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yelena-bellova · 1 year ago

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Heartfirst: A Ted Lasso Story - Chapter Six

Chapter Six: The Devil You Don’t

Plot: Y/n considers making a change and Richmond squares off against West Ham United.

Word Count: 4.5k

Warnings: f!reader, language, (16+)

A/N: Missed therapy today, finished this. Silver linings, everybody…lol

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Y/n sat at her dining room table, staring at a single piece of mail. It was from her rental company. They were informing her that it was that magical time of year. She could either choose to sign for another year or vacate. It was a decision she’d been putting off making.

Living in downtown London didn’t make much sense now that she worked at Richmond. The commute was longer and God help it if there was traffic. Y/n lacked the social life she’d had in college and she had no partner to stay near.

There was no longer anything tying her there.

Moving to Richmond meant she was fully committing to the club. She’d kept one foot out the door since arriving, knowing that things could go downhill at any moment. But it had been nearly three months and, though challenging, she had no reason to leave or believe she’d be fired. Was it time to stop holding her breath?

She couldn’t make a decision from her apartment. She had to get out.

Grabbing her keys and purse, Y/n left her building and hopped in her car. She made the drive to the last place she’d expected to be on her day off, but the only place she felt like being.

In the heart of Richmond, Y/n parked on the curb, just near the Crown and Anchor. There was a coffee shop around the corner from it that Keeley had recommended to her. It seemed as good a time as ever to try it and take a stroll around the neighborhood.

Something about Richmond that differed from London was the atmosphere. It felt very small-townish, while still being a decent sized borough. The people were kind, greeting each other as they walked past. Men tipped their caps. Children ran free in the park. Couples strolled hand in hand. Y/n had never been a Hallmark movie kind of girl, but it felt like the only comparison to be made. The city seemed to wrap its arms around its people, giving them a safe place to end each day.

Sipping what turned out to be one of the best coffees she’d ever had, Y/n contemplated it all. All practicality aside, and she could barely admit it herself, but she almost, kind of, sort of, possibly, maybe…wanted to live in Richmond.

She made her way towards the park, watching kids burn off their weekend energy and families taking their infants on morning walks. What she hadn’t expected to see was anyone she knew. A few feet away, Jamie was doing sets of burpees while Roy sat and watched. Out of politeness, Y/n had nearly approached when Jamie bent over, letting the contents of his stomach empty.

Roy sensed someone was near and twisted to find Y/n standing behind him. As awful sounds escaped Jamie, his coach smiled, as much as Roy Kent did smile, and nodded, “Morning.”

Y/n watched the scene with reserved concern and wild confusion. “Should I be worried about any of this?”

“No,” Roy answered, taking a bite of his breakfast sandwich in the most unbothered fashion, “He’s fine.”

Jamie’s body finally let him breathe and he glanced up, spotting Y/n. He gave her a quick nod before resuming his workout.

Y/n’s brows stayed creased as she raised her coffee cup to them, toasting the strange moment. “Okay,” she said, leaving them to the rest of their day.

There was a part of her brain that told Y/n it was crazy to move even a mile closer to the insanity that was AFC Richmond. Living further away gave her a barrier, an extra layer of protection. If she came to live there, she’d lose it.

And the other part of her mind decided that, much like with the job, it might be worth putting up with.

—————————

The next day, Y/n stopped by the KJPR office to grab some papers from Keeley. Something about an endorsement deal for one of the boys.

“Oh, I wanted to tell you,” Keeley said before Y/n headed back out, “Our backer’s coming to town and wants to come to the West Ham match.”

“Okay,” Y/n said, “Great.”

“And they want to meet us,” Keeley continued.

“Okay,” Y/n repeated with a shrug.

Keeley paused, waiting for some reaction that Y/n wasn’t giving her. “And I’m sort of freaking the fuck out,” she finished.

“What’s there to be nervous about?” Y/n asked, holding the folder of papers to her chest, “Corporate bigwigs are all the same. They’re barely even interested in meeting the people that make them rich.”

“Yeah, but I’ve never met any,” Keeley gestured to herself, “This is all new and I don’t know what I’m supposed to wear or say or do.”

As much as Y/n knew Keeley and her came from different backgrounds, they’d developed such a solid work relationship that Y/n sometimes forgot she’d never functioned in the corporate world.

“Look,” Y/n said softly, taking a seat across from Keeley, “It’s polite chitchat, making sure they’re having a good time and maybe dodging a few bad attempts at flirting if it’s an older guy.”

Keeley’s pouted lips finally cracked and she chuckled.

“It’s not a big deal,” Y/n reassured, “Really. Just be you and you’ll charm the metaphorical pants off of them.”

Keeley smiled as she reached over the desk and threw her arms around Y/n’s neck. Y/n nearly stumbled in her heels and grabbed onto Keeley for balance.

“Thank you,” Keeley said over Y/n’s shoulder.

A hug certainly crossed all professional boundaries Y/n had set up. But Keeley needed comfort more than Y/n needed to feel protected, so she patted her boss’s back and let it happen.

—————————

The big day had arrived.

Richmond vs. West Ham.

Y/n was up early, even though the match wasn’t till the afternoon. She went for a morning run, got a tea and returned home where there was nothing to do but anxiously fidget till it was time to get ready.

This wasn’t just Greyhounds against Hammers. This was Rebecca against Rupert. Ted, Beard and Roy against Nathan. All of AFC Richmond was being watched. And while Y/n was practically invisible, she was feeling the same pit in her stomach as if the tabloids were speculating about her.

Pulling up to the stadium, Y/n was in awe of its size. It was at least three Nelson Road Stadiums. She headed through the side entrance where VIPs and press came through and spotted Rebecca and Keeley waiting for her.

“Alright,” Y/n announced her presence as she passed through the metal detector, “Here we go.”

Keeley turned to Y/n, “You think I look alright, yeah? Good enough to impress Jack?”

Y/n scanned Keeley’s outfit, it was one of the first times she’d seen her out of her signature shade of pink. “You look great,” she replied.

“Shit, I’m nervous,” Keeley confided in the two women, “I think I need to go and reapply my lip liner.”

Something about the way Rebecca nodded and told Keeley they’d see her in the suite told Y/n there was more to her words.

“Men can have codes for the loo,” Rebecca shrugged, sensing Y/n had picked up on it, “Why can’t we?”

“Oh, that’s brilliant,” Y/n’s head whipped around to follow Keeley.

The two women shared a laugh before turning towards the escalator. Rebecca froze after her first step step and Y/n bumped into her, grabbing onto her boss to barely keep her balance.

“Hey, Rebecca,” Rupert greeted, a gorgeous, young blonde on his arm.

“Rupert,” Rebecca was quick to reply.

Y/n caught herself before she gave her shock away. This was Rupert?

“Wonderful to see you,” the man replied warmly, undertones of ice seeping through.

“Bex,” Rebecca nodded to her replacement, “Love the new hair.”

“I haven’t changed my hair,” Bex replied in confusion.

“Nor should you,” Rebecca saved herself, “It’s perfection. Uh, may I introduce our newest member of AFC Richmond,” she gestured to Y/n, “This is Ms. Y/n Y/l/n.”

Y/n hesitatingly stepped forward, trying to mask her disdain under a smile. “Lovely to meet you,” she shook Bex’s hand first before Rupert’s.

“Lovely to meet you,” Rupert replied, his eyes sliding down Y/n’s figure before coming back up to meet her eyes, “How are you liking Richmond?”

Any negative thoughts Y/n had about the job or her co-workers left her head. No ammunition could be given, nor was she going to let the man who was checking her out while holding his wife’s hand feel validated in anything.

“It’s exceeding all my expectations,” Y/n lied with a grin that could have fooled anyone.

“Ah,” Rupert smiled back, watching his ex-wife’s new hire like a bird did its prey.

Rebecca could sense the additional discomfort and changed the subject. “So, how’s the little one?”

“Oh yeah, Diane,” Rupert replied proudly, nearly coaxing a liquid-less spit take from Y/n, “She’s already walking. Can you believe that? Yeah, drooling and pooing around the house.”

“Takes after her father,” Bex spoke up.

Rebecca managed to maintain her composure better than Y/n, who made sure to share the laugh with Bex.

Rupert looked less than thrilled with the joke and moved on quickly. “Well. Hey,” he looked back to his ex-wife, “Take it easy on us today.”

“No promises,” Rebecca said as the couple walked off.

Standing a bit awestruck at the barely concealed audacity of Rupert, Y/n stood beside her boss, trying to process the interaction.

“Thoughts?” Rebecca asked.

Y/n paused to think over her reply, “I feel like I need to strip out of my skin.”

“Yeah,” Rebecca breathed, “That’s about right. Let’s go.”

With that, they headed for the elevator up to the suites. While riding up, Y/n said a prayer to the higher power of football that the Greyhounds would be particularly ruthless on the pitch. A man like Rupert could not be allowed a win.

Up in the suites, Rebecca and Y/n spotted Higgins standing with Barbara, Shandy and a short haired brunette woman.

“Ah, Y/n, Rebecca,” Higgins flagged them down, “May I introduce, Ms. Jack Danvers.”

Once again, just barely concealing her surprise, Y/n immediately went into business mode, firmly shaking Jack’s hand.

“It’s great to meet you, Jack,” she smiled.

“You as well,” Jack replied, her lips forming an ‘o’ after, “You wouldn’t happen to be the same Y/n that headed up the managerial team at Microdom, would you?”

Y/n’s eyes widened, “I would be.”

Jack chuckled, “Gary Lawson’s a family friend. He sang your praises over a dinner once.”

“Well, nothing pairs better with red wine and chicken than talking about your employees,” Y/n quipped, dropping Jack’s hand.

“On the contrary,” Jack smiled, “I feel much better knowing the money’s going toward hard-working hands.”

“Hard-working,” Barbara spoke up, grinning uncharacteristically big, “Absolutely. She’s a wonder.”

Out of all the odd moments so far in the day, a cheery Barbara was the strangest, Y/n decided.

“Oh, yes,” Rebecca placed a hand on Y/n’s shoulder, “Y/n is extraordinary. One of our hardest workers.”

Y/n smiled up at Rebecca, she wasn’t used to her bosses being so willing to help facilitate her success.

“Well, Keeley’s really the one you need to meet,” Y/n passed the kindness on, “The brain behind the whole operation.”

“She’s absolutely fantastic,” Rebecca added.

“Oh, here she is now,” Barbara grinned.

Y/n and Rebecca split to make room for Keeley.

“Keeley?” Barbara gestured to her boss, “This is Jack Danvers.”

“Hello,” Jack stepped forward, “I believe you have something of mine.”

“Oh, fuck,” Keeley exclaimed, “You’re Jack? This is a bit embarrassing.”

Y/n could only imagine what that meant.

“Yeah, we all thought you were a man,” Shandy interjected.

“Yeah, that too,” Keeley agreed.

“It’s like that old riddle,” Higgins added.

“What riddle?” Rebecca asked.

“You know, always a tricky one, this one,” Higgins continued, “A father and son are in a car wreck. Dad dies instantly, the son is rushed to an emergency room. A surgeon walks in and says, ‘I can’t operate on this boy. He’s my son.’ How is it possible?”

The women all gave various answers, none of which Higgins had been waiting for.

“Right, yeah, I guess that’s a bit dated now,” Higgins recovered, “So, I assume ‘Jack’ is short for Jacqueline right?”

“No, it’s short for my father wanted a boy,” Jack answered.

0 for 2, Higgins turned to the group, “I’m gonna go and sit down now, outside. Now.”

Y/n stifled a laugh while Rebecca invited Jack to get a drink, Barbara trailing very close behind them. Y/n hung back with Keeley and Shandy.

“Barbara’s obsessed with Rebecca,” Shandy leaned in to tell them, “I hope she doesn’t try and kill her and wear her skin as a suit.”

Shandy raised a knowing eyebrow before heading off to join the women at the bar, leaving Keeley and Y/n dumbstruck.

“What the fuck?” Keeley whispered.

“Hey,” Y/n nudged Keeley with her elbow, “Breathe.”

Keeley squeezed Y/n’s arm in silent thanks as they went off together.

—————————

It wasn’t until the Greyhounds came onto the pitch that Y/n truly felt the sympathy nerves. Finally enjoying attending the matches mixed with finally having experienced Rupert’s arrogance and assholery had sparked a flame within her. It was a fraction, she suspected, of what Rebecca felt.

Throughout the game, Richmond held their own, but couldn’t seem to get past the Hammer’s defense. Zoreaux, who was going by Van Damme for unknown reasons, managed to block a goal. At one point, Jamie attempted to make a goal himself when it was clear an extra pass should have been made to Zava.

“Zava was wide open,” Rebecca exclaimed as the ball bounced off the net.

Y/n sighed, remembering her and Jamie’s conversation earlier in the week. That one was entirely on him.

Nearing the end of the first half, the Hammers managed to sneak one more goal past the Greyhounds, securing a 2-0 score. Y/n watched Ted, Coach Beard and Roy panic from their side of the field while Nate Shelley screamed in victory.

“Shit,” Y/n muttered, sinking back in her seat. She glanced out the corner of her eye to where Rebecca’s eyes were trained to see Rupert, arrogantly giving a shrug.

Rebecca grabbed her purse and stood to her feet, purpose in her movement. “Excuse me,” she growled.

Y/n tucked herself in as her boss stalked down the aisle, she knew better than to stand in Rebecca’s way when she was on the hunt.

Halftime passed with polite conversation between the KJPR team. A perky Barbara was something neither Keeley or Y/n were used to, but they adjusted. Most of the time, Y/n was spent in anxious hope that Shandy wouldn’t say too much and plant any seeds of doubt in Jack’s head about the company’s abilities.

When Rebecca returned, she looked to be in much better spirits. Y/n waited expectantly for an answer, Rebecca simply smiled and settled back into her seat.

The coaches returned to the pitch.

West Ham next.

Then Richmond.

Even with a great distance between them, the anger was visible in each of the Greyhound’s posture. They stalked past Nate, their former kitman, as if they were just barely holding themselves back from jumping the man. The moment was ripe with every kind of bad energy.

Then it got worse.

The Greyhounds became feral on the pitch. They were straight up attacking the Hammers, earning themselves red card after red card.

“What the fuck?” Y/n mumbled. This wasn’t the type of ruthless she’d wanted them to be.

Dani, the human embodiment of sunshine, was practically spitting on the other players. Sam, an actual angel, got uncharacteristically aggressive. Richard downright hurled the ball at one of the Hammers. Isaac had to rip him away. Richmond had lost three players due to the display of pure rage.

Y/n glanced down at the coaches as Isaac proceeded to shove one of the Hammers to the ground. Ted had his head in his hands. Nate Shelley was looking on smugly. What the hell had happened during halftime to inspire this behavior?

Finally, the match came to an end, 4-1. Zava had managed to score one goal and West Ham had snuck in two more amidst the chaos.

“Shit,” Rebecca muttered, spotting Rupert victoriously hugging his wife while locking eyes with his ex, “Shit. Shit.”

Keeley tried to stop Rebecca from leaving, but she needed to be alone to lick her wounds. Y/n glanced over to Higgins who puffed out his cheeks with a heavy breath.

“Right,” Y/n turned to Keeley, who was trying to make cheery conversation with Jack and Barbara, “Want me to handle interviews?”

“You sure?” Keeley asked.

“You stay here,” she nodded towards Jack, who was talking to Barbara, “Make us look good. I’ll deal with the rest.”

“Yeah, probably best,” Keeley agreed, “Thank you.”

Higgins and Y/n set off downstairs to the locker room to collect the players they needed.

“Probably best not to pick any of the boys that got red carded,” Higgins suggested as they headed down the hall.

“Oh, I’m not picking any of them,” Y/n retorted with barely concealed frustration. She knocked on the door and opened it a crack, “Everybody dressed?”

When there was no reply, she opened the door and took a step in, coming face to face with the team. They were all wallowing in various degrees of shame and rage.

“Hey, Y/n,” Ted said, lacking his usual enthusiasm, “Who do you need?”

Y/n scanned the faces that cheerfully greeted her each day. Some, like Colin and Sam, avoided her watchful gaze. Jamie watched her expectantly. Quite frankly, she didn’t feel like dealing with any of them.

“Zava,” Y/n turned to the star player, “Do you mind?”

“I do not,” he replied, rising and joining Y/n in the doorway. He didn’t leave until he looked back on the team once more, shaking his head like a disappointed parent. Y/n didn’t bother to hide her dismay either as she shut the door.

—————————

With Zava having done his interviews and Ted having addressed the press himself, Y/n could retire for the day, though relaxing was a ways off.

She came back to join Keeley and Jack, who were sipping champagne and chatting. Hopefully Keeley had made them look a lot better than what they’d presented.

“All good?” Keeley asked.

“As good as we can be,” Y/n answered, coming to stand beside Jack, “Whatever Keeley’s told you about how the team usually carries themselves, I’d like to second it.”

“Loud and clear,” Jack smiled.

Shandy came through the press room door, “Well, that was a shit show. Anyway, good news. Bantr’s trending.”

“It is?” Keeley asked.

“Yeah,” Shandy answered, “Pretty sure the change to the bio line helped.”

“Wait,” Y/n interrupted, exhausted by the day, “We changed the bio line?”

Keeley looked just as surprised as Shandy held up her phone. Her eyes widened as she took the mobile, before passing it to Y/n.

It read: Wanna Bang a Celebrity?

“Wha…” Y/n failed to form words.

“Who did this?” Keeley asked.

“I did,” Shandy answered proudly, “This afternoon after I uploaded the vids. You’re welcome.”

Y/n was too tired to mask her horror, she didn’t even have the strength to try. As Keeley tugged Shandy a few feet away, Y/n stayed beside Jack and lifted the corners of her mouth.

“We’re, uh, all a little off today,” she explained.

“Well, you’re hiding it very well,” Jack whispered, lightening the mood.

As soon as she saw Shandy’s face change from pride to offense, Y/n knew she couldn’t stay any longer. She was frustrated, tired and had plans for the night that needed her more.

“It was lovely to meet you,” she bade Jack farewell, “Give Gary my best.”

“You as well,” Jack smiled. The one takeaway from the day was at least KJPR’s backer wasn’t an asshole.

Y/n nodded to Keeley and avoided eye contact with Shandy as she left the press room, hastening her steps as soon as she was out of the room.

—————————

There was an unspoken understanding at the Crown and Anchor. It filled each weekend Richmond played. If they won, it would stay busy all night. If they lost, it emptied as soon as the tabs had been settled.

Suffice it to say, Y/n was sitting in near solitude.

She sat at the bar, picking at an order of chips and going through one-sheets. There were a surprising amount of apartments available in Richmond and she was overwhelmed by the options.

“All good, love?”

Y/n looked up to Mae, who was bringing her a fresh glass of water. “If you’re referring to the food, it’s great. If you’re referring to the-“

“We’re not speaking of that,” Mae interrupted, shutting the topic of the match down. Y/n had come to learn the bar owner took her Greyhound games as serious as life itself.

“I won’t fight you,” Y/n replied, going back to flipping through her papers.

“See you’re looking for a place,” Mae pointed towards the sheets, “I take it the job’s working out okay.”

Y/n snorted, “All evidence contrary to today, yes, it’s working out.”

“I told you,” Mae said with the pride of someone who knew how wise she was, “Just had to give it time.”

Y/n laughed a little, “I’ll learn to trust you eventually.”

Mae matter-of-factly nodded before leaving her patron be.

Y/n flipped through a few more papers, each property bleeding into the other till they all looked the same. She was ready to let her head drop to the counter when the papers in her hands suddenly became illuminated. She traced the light behind her, coming face to face with a blinding bulb.

“Fucking hell,” Y/n cursed, covering her eyes. She rubbed them until she could see again, Jamie’s silhouette coming into view, “What are you wearing?”

“Can’t run if I can’t see,” Jamie answered without feeling like like any further explanation was necessary.

“Why are you running at 8 o’clock?” Y/n asked in confusion.

“Three workouts a day,” Jamie replied, “Roy’s got us starting at 4AM.”

“Well, there’s light in here, so…” Y/n gestured around them.

Jamie switched off the headband’s lamp and took it off, smoothing his hair down after. He pointed to the stool beside Y/n, “You waitin’ on anyone?”

“Please,” Y/n gestured to the spot, she was too tired to fight against company.

The pub was quiet enough that the chances of Jamie being spotted didn’t require him to hide in a booth.

“I’m assuming this unholy schedule doesn’t pertain to the whole team?” Y/n asked, already suspecting Jamie’s motivation.

“Eh, no,” he answered, crossing his arms across the bar, “Just me.”

“Uh-huh,” Y/n replied just as Jamie flagged Mae down and asked for a water.

“Roy’s got me on a diet,” he explained when he caught the confusion on Y/n’s face, “Only one drink and only if we win a match.”

The five letter word had them finally meeting one another’s eyes, waiting for the other to address the benched elephant in the room.

“Right,” Y/n let the sheets in her hand fall on the counter, “What the fuck happened today?”

Jamie exhaled, rubbing a hand across his face. There was so much history behind the events of the match, he wasn’t sure where to start.

“You know that sign in the locker room?” Jamie gestured to the space above them, “Above the coach’s office?”

“The ‘Believe’ one?” Y/n replied.

“Yeah,” Jamie folded his arms again, “So…it’s a whole thing but, it means a lot. And when Nate left,” he inhaled to go over that bit of the past, but Y/n stopped him.

“I know who Nate is,” she said. His smug smile was still burned into her brain from earlier in the day.

“Right, so,” Jamie sighed, his tongue poking at his cheek in frustration, “We won last season, Nate stormed out and quit. But Roy and Beard put on this video for us during halftime of him…tearin’ up the sign.”

Y/n rested her head on her hand, listening intently.

“And…” Jamie grasped at the air, “It’s a big deal. To us. To the team. And I think we all just feel…” he paused, “Fuckin’ betrayed or somethin’. That he turned on us. But that sign…” Jamie shook his head, “Fuckin’….”

During her various trips to the locker room, Y/n had noticed the yellow and blue paper. She hadn’t thought anything of it, just another motivational decoration. She hadn’t realized that it held such a deep meaning to the team.

“So the solution was to get…” Y/n shrugged, “What was it, four red cards?”

“Hey,” Jamie pressed three fingers to his chest, “None of ‘em were me.”

Y/n chuckled, Jamie had managed to stay on the field the entire time. She suspected that might not have been the case a few years prior.

“I get it,” Y/n nodded, “Team loyalty. I mean, I think we’d all have preferred you channeled your anger a little more productively, but…”

Jamie bobbed his head, shame over how they’d dealt with their feelings had begun to set in over the last few hours. But he still couldn’t say he regretted it. Not fully.

“Well, Sky Sports is going to have a field day with you all,” Y/n sighed as she fished through her chips.

“All they’ll be talkin’ about is Zava,” Jamie made his voice more nasally when he uttered the name, “Since he’s the only one of us you wanted today.

Y/n quirked an eyebrow at him, “Well, I was slightly worried that Isaac might dropkick the camera man or Dani might bite a journalist or something.”

Jamie twisted his lips, half-smiling. He couldn’t fault her that.

“Let’s just categorize this day in the ‘suck’ column and move on,” Y/n said, slipping a one-sheet to the back of her pile.

“I’ll second that,” Jamie agreed, stretching his neck to look at the papers, “What’re you looking for a place?”

“Yeah, figured since I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” Y/n tried to organize the pile somewhat, “Might as well cut down on the commute.”

Jamie held out his hand for the paper in Y/n’s. He examined the square footage, but mostly the street name.

“Oh, this is a shit area,” he commented, reaching for the Sharpie Y/n had laying nearby.

“I don’t think there are shit areas of Richmond,” Y/n shot back, watching as Jamie made a large ‘x’ across the picture of the apartment, “Wait, what-“

“I’m saving you from overpaying for a crap flat,” Jamie capped the marker and gestured for the other sheets, “Lemme see the others.”

Y/n looked between him and the pile, confused as to what was happening.

“C’mon,” Jamie wiggled his fingers.

She slid half the stack across the bar to him, keeping the other half for herself.

Jamie began to read the details of the first listing over. “This one’s on the other side of town,” he stated.

“I don’t care about that,” Y/n replied, “So long as it’s in town. Plus, it’s got a balcony.”

Jamie held up the next paper and compared the two. “This one’s shit too,” he reached for the marker again, predicting Y/n’s reaction, “Just trust me.”

The two of them sat at the bar, scooting their stools together until the pile had been thinned out and the day had ended more pleasantly than it began.

————

Heartfirst Taglist: @lalla-04p @optimisticsandwichgladiator @makingmunson94 @taytaylala12 @storysimp @sokkigarden @lightninginab0ttle @poohkie90 @alipap3 @verra-nerevarine @shineforever19 @spaceagechimera @burnafter-reading @qardasngan @cyberpvnk-enthusiast @sogoodtoheritsvicious @buckybarnex @angelsunflxwer @blueanfield @thewildestwonderland @sabelcities

#ted lasso fanfiction #ted lasso fanfic #ted lasso fic #ted lasso imagine #jamie tartt x reader #rebecca welton x reader #keeley jones x reader #ted lasso x reader #heartfirst

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playingdxngerous · 1 year ago

Text

fresh start

18+ minors dni

Warnings: cheating*, eventual smut, swearing, SLOW BURN, p in v, slight angst, arguing, Jake is very cocky, jealousy, pet names, oral f! and m! receiving, fingering f! receiving, masturbation, fluff at the end

Word Count: 4151

* I do not condone cheating, and I think it is an awful thing to experience or do to someone. Please do not cheat on people. This is just a fanfic :)

also i did not proof read absolutely any of this so if you see a mistake then ummm no you dont!

Your two month anniversary is today, or was today, in this case. Just when you thought things were getting better in your new relationship, it all started going downhill. Never in your life did you think you'd get broken up with on your anniversary. So much time wasted. It's for the stupidest reason too. Your (now ex) boyfriend James claimed over a phone call that he has been slowly losing feelings for a week or two and needs time away. Everyone knows what that means. There's another girl. Someone better, prettier.

"Fuck you!" You yell over the phone in your parked car. "You'll never be as happy as you were with me and you fucking know that, James. You know that." You hang up the phone before he can respond, tears streaming down your face. You look down at the outfit you had put on before driving over to his house. A red satin dress with lingerie underneath. You'd been planning the night out together for a few days now. He was going to take you to a movie, out to eat, and eventually back to his house before the two of you exchange gifts. he never even got to see you in your new dress. The asshole broke it off with you just before you reached his neighborhood.

You turn on music to distract yourself, yet nothing works. Guess I'll just get fucking blackout drunk tonight, you think to yourself. You quickly back out of the random parking lot you were settled in and speed to the nearest bar.

Pulling into a parking space you wipe off your tears and reapply mascara. You put on red lipstick and step out of the car, no cares for what happens to you tonight.

The bar is familiar, since this is where Jake used to take you. Jake. As if your day weren't bad enough, memories of your old relationship flutter through your head. Playing guitar, hooking up backstage, secret dinner dates where you both tried to avoid fans seeing you together. You were in love, more than you could ever be. More than you thought he would ever be. You were clearly wrong, as one day touring apparently "became too much" on him and was the reason for the breakup. About a month later the tour ended, and he found a new girl named Elena. This is when you decided to force yourself to move on and meet James. Your savior, you thought. He strongly resembled Jake. Maybe that's why you fell so hard for him too. Long hair, raspy voice, played guitar. Even his name is close to Jake's. A complete carbon copy of him. Enough with the exes, you think as you open the door to the bar with a deep breath. Tonight you can forget both of them even existed.

You walk to the barista and order a drink, asking for anything strong. She's middle aged, tattoos lining her arms and neck. She has that rare beauty to her, the beauty you'd find with a trashy addict husband. The beauty you'd find riding a motorcycle late at night. She brings you a surprise drink, winking at you before saying this will definitely get you some guys on your finger tonight. Little does she know that you secretly wish you never met any guy in your life anymore. You down the drink in one sip, the taste burning your throat. Just as you begin to ask for another shot of something, a spine-chilling voice interrupts you.

"Hey pretty lady," Jake Kiszka directs to the barista. "I'd like whatever this girl just got," he says pointing his thumb to you.

"Just one? Don't want to offer her one?" She smiles at you.

"No thank you." You quickly respond to her. "I should probably get going."

"I've got a date over here somewhere; I can't be buying random girls drinks. Don't know where the hell mine is though." Jake says. "Don't know if I give a shit either..." He mumbles under his breath.

"Be respectful for once you prick." You say directly to him, not expecting it to actually come out of your mouth.

"Oh yeah?" He downs the shot with no face. "What will you do about it? Start making out with someone who looks just like me? I've seen him before y'know. You could've gone for someone slightly different than me. Guess you were just so crazy for me you couldn't stand a simple break while I was on tour." He shrugs his shoulders. Anger rises in your stomach as he lies straight to your face. The worst part is that he's not even drunk. You've seen him tipsy, and you know for a fact he is complete sober right now. These are sober words hitting you directly in the heart. Being broken up with was enough, but this just makes it way worse. It takes everything in you to not punch his cheek and leave a mark for his precious little Elena to kiss.

"Go back to your fucking girlfriend." You grunt through your teeth. Your hands unclench to reveal little marks from your red painted fingernails. "And it wasn't a break. Don't ever say that again. You broke up with me to fuck her a month later. You lost feelings, not me. I would've stayed. I did stay. I stayed until your player ass found her. I hope she's happy with you."

"She is." He says and walks away into the crowd. You see Elena grab him around the neck with a confused face. He shakes his head and smiles, leaning in for a kiss. He widens his eyes as they practically make out, staring right at you.

"You wanna dance?" A random guy grabs your hand and scoots up to you. You turn to Jake, who is still intently staring. However, his face now portrays anger and jealousy rather than pettiness.

"Sure, why not?" You smile widely and wink in Jake's direction. A song you've never heard plays out of the large speakers spread across the room and you struggle to stay up to tempo with your new date. You wait impatiently for the song to end, excusing yourself when it finally does.

You walk around aimlessly, trying to find the bathroom. As you take a turn down a hallway to find it, Jake is leaned against the wall as if he were waiting for you.

"Can you leave me alone for five minutes and just let me breathe?" You almost yell.

"I don't think James would like to know you're out here drunk and dancing with random men. Dressed like a slut and all."

"I don't care what he thinks anymore."

"Oh, so I should text him on Instagram and tell him?"

"I don't think Elena would like you sneaking off to talk to your ex by the bathroom either." You say, putting extra emphasis on her name.

"I'm sure she's doing the same. The bitch just let some dude buy her a drink. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already in his car by now. Wouldn't be the first time. I haven't even seen her since you saw me kiss her."

"And you don't care at all?" You ask, genuinely confused. If James ever did that to you would lose your mind.

"You think I care about her? She's with me for the sex. I'm a fucking rockstar, what do you expect. You really think I love her like I did you?"

"Jake why would you bring that up?" You say almost sadly.

"You never answered my question so why should I answer yours." He claims.

"Okay fine, what was the stupid question."

"Does your copy and paste boyfriend not give a shit that you're out here with other men?" His eyebrows raise.

"He broke up with me."

"What?"

"He fucking broke up with me! Is that what you so desperately want to hear?"

"Why did he- Why would he..." He trails off in confusion.

"Why don't you ask yourself that Jake. Seems like you two have something in common." Tears start to pool in your eyes, so you turn your heel to start walking away. Jake's warm hand grabs your hip, pulling you in to a hug. You can't help but stay there for a second. Thankfully, reality begins to kick back in and you push him away.

"Go find Elena. Take her home. Give her a fucking night to enjoy because God knows I won't enjoy the rest of tonight. Give her everything you ever wanted to give me, everything you did give me. Give her your love. And don't ever hug me again unless you mean it. I'm tired of people holding me in and breaking my goddamn heart." You utter.

"Am I not making it oblivious enough?" He laughs.

"Jake what are you on about now?"

"I don't want her sweetheart." He moves closer to you, making you tilt your head to now keep eye contact. Your heart sinks at the pet name.

"You don't mean it." You whisper.

"Do I need to prove it to you that I mean it?" He smirks.

"I'm not going to let you cheat on her." You croak. He turns you around to face the crowded room behind you, his hands resting gently on your hips once more. You scan the room and immediately find Elena on the lap of some guy at the bar, kissing him harder than she was with Jake moments ago.

"Oh my god Jake I'm so sorry she's doing that to you." You feel genuinely bad for him, as you know it must be hard to witness that.

"Like I said darling, not the first time. So, are we going to get going or what?" Your head and heart pull to opposite sides of your answer. As much as you want to say no, it's so hard to decline an offer like this. You and James' relationship is already in shred, and you've almost completely forgotten about it because of Jake. It's so easy to just say 'yes'...

"Jake we can't. It's not right." You finally respond. Slight regret fills your head.

"What about it isn't right? Neither of us are in a loving relationship at the moment. Mine is falling apart hour by hour and you don't even have one at all. I think you're just scared you'll enjoy it too much. You miss me too badly. You miss the way I feel in your pretty pussy. The way I taste. The sounds of our moans together." His voice gets quieter as his sentences go on, stepping closer and closer until your chests are touching.

"Fuck me, Jake." You whisper.

"Is that a yes? You know I won't ever force you." He pulls away a little, making the wind blow cold between you.

You scoot back to him and grabs his neck. "Yes Jake. I want you so badly." He smiles and kisses you slowly. The shape of his lips brings back memories of your relationship. The same lips you'd kiss for hours at a time, so often. He must sense it too, as each second he kisses hungrier and faster. The capricious night runs through your thoughts. How over an hour ago you were crying on the phone with James, and now you are making out with your ex as his girlfriend finds someone else to toy with right behind you, no care in the world.

He slides his tongue against your bottom lip, starving to taste you. The sweetness of his spit mixes with yours and you try to forget that Elena had just tasted the same thing recently. He seems to notice your overthinking tendencies and pushes you against the nearest wall, placing his thigh between your legs to distract you.

"We're in public," you laugh as you pull away from his swollen lips.

"Let's go then," he smirks. He walks quickly through the crowd, flipping off Elena as he walks past her. You grab hold his hand and smile, staring straight at her as she goes back into her kissing session. You make it outside, the chilly air giving you goosebumps. Jake gives opens the door for you, giving you a blue jean jacket from his backseat. You put it on, his scent overwhelming you.

"And you're absolutely sure you-" He begins before you interrupt him with a short peck on the lips.

"Yes Jake." He nods and puts the car in reverse, grabbing your thigh once you make it on the main road.

"My house?" He asks. You nod, not wanting to go into your room and allow him to see the hanging polaroids and framed picture of you and James. He squeezes your thigh in response. The drive ends shortly, and you notice that his hand is way further up than it started.

He gets out of the car and opens the door, guiding you through the familiar house to his bed. You sit on the edge and he leans down in front of you, taking off your red heels.

"Oh what a gentleman," you tease as you crawl back against the headboard, letting him hold himself up on top of you.

"Mhm," he moans, leaning in for a desperate kiss. "I've missed your lips," he says while pulling away. Your heart sinks at his claim, yet you know it's way too soon into your breakup to catch feelings for your ex once more. Guilt takes over you. Two months isn't that long, right?

"Why Jake? You've had Elena for a while now. Why do you miss me?" You ask.

"I don't know how I can make it clearer that I never liked her like I did you. You were and still are so special to me." The sentence drops your heart even more, your butterflies almost making you nauseous. "You probably don't feel the same though, and I guess I understand why." The thought rings in your mind. Did you ever love James more than Jake? James was easier to be around, as he was always less busy. He didn't have such high expectations on him. Maybe that's why you loved him so much. He was the part of Jake you wanted to be around. He didn't have a huge job where he was never home. He wasn't touring the country. He was actually able to show you affection. And the biggest part, he looked very similar to Jake...

"You don't know that," you finally manage to speak.

"You liked me more than James? After what I did?

"Jake...: You whisper, grabbing his arms. "I was absolutely in love with you. We were together for so long. It's difficult to compare that to a two month relationship." Jake smiles in pride and kisses you passionately. His tongue glides across yours, making you forget the whole conversation about James. Tonight was a night to forget about him, and that's what you're going to do. "Make me forget about him," you say out loud without even realizing. His eyes spark, starstruck by your request.

"I'll do anything you want sweetheart." He smirks, covering it by biting his lip. Your face gets hot by the minute as he reaches his hand up and cups your tit. While squeezing, he begins to suck on your neck. A red spot remains as he moves away, which shows that you are his for the night. Remnants of him will stay on your body, giving proof of the sins. You don't care though, in fact, you hope James sees somehow. You want him to know how you feel. You want him to know that you chose Jake over him. Not in a way to make him jealous, but to show him what he missed out on. To show him what he will never have again.

"You're so sexy in this dress," he rasps. Your mind flips to the lingerie you have on under it, originally intended for someone else.

"It would be better if you took it off, in my opinion," you tease.

"Oh yeah?" He raises his eyebrows, slowly pulling on the shoulder straps. "Do you really deserve that special treatment, princess? I shouldn't make you strip it off in front of me?"

"Jake please," you whimper. Tonight will be a long night.

"Use your words," he lifts up your chin with his index finger, looking you in the eyes.

"Fuck me," you moan. He slides the straps down further, and you help him slide the dress down your legs. A pink matching set lines your body, making him noticeably hard through his jeans.

"Dressed up for your little boyfriend huh? Too bad he's missing out on this." He slides his fingers across your clit, the fabric of the lace covering it. "So wet and desperate for me. I hope he's so jealous right now." One more word from Jake and you feel as if your heart might stop. "I need you so bad baby please," you squeeze your legs together in order to relieve some tension. He notices and pushes them apart immediately. "Please Jake."

"I think I'd rather listen to you beg for me all night." He kisses your stomach, trailing down to the top of your panties, gently pulling on them with his teeth. He looks you in the eyes and stops midway. Running his hands up your body, he unclasps your bra. You become tired of waiting and start to rub circles through your panties. He grabs your hand and puts it behind your back, clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

"Be patient, love." He centers his attention back to where he was initially, pulling down the lace bottoms fully. All of a sudden, he glides his tongue flatly across your slit. Electricity shoots through your body. He is doing this simply for you to feel pleasure, not him. You forgot how good this felt, as James only ever cared about if he was going to finish or not.

"Feels so good," you mumble.

"We just started baby," he smirks as he moves his head back. His tongue gains speed with every flick. He sucks on your clit, moans forcing their way out of you at the touch. You grab his brunette locks and watch as he devours your cunt. A quiet moan vibrates off his tongue as you pull his hair.

"I'm so close," you practically yell. He brings his fingers up to his mouth, sliding one into you to get you used to it. He sadly moves his head away and raises up to kiss you as he fucks you with his finger. He slides one more in shortly. "Fuck baby go faster I'm so close." He menacingly slows down and bites your lip as he ends the current kiss. He positions his tongue back over your clit and continues to push his fingers into you, curling at just the right spot.

"Jake!" You shout his name like a prayer as you release your orgasm onto his fingers.

"You did so good princess," he cups your jaw with his hand.

"My turn," you say as you attempt to catch your breath.

"What?"

"Lay down." To your surprise he turns over and actually lays on his back. He used to hate letting you be in control. "Going to fuck you better than that bitch Elena ever did."

"Won't be hard to beat," he laughs. He unzips his jeans and pulls them off, throwing them on the floor nearby. You help him pull his shirt off and run your hands down his chest to take in the moment. You've really missed this, no matter what your mind tries to convince you. You take his dick in your mouth, letting your hands cover the rest of his length. You start to pump with your mouth and get faster as he whimpers underneath you.

"Condom?" You ask. He reaches into his nightstand and rips one open with his teeth. You help him slide it on, then crawl up to straddle his waist. With his help you begin to ride him, butterflies filling your stomach. Whimpers escape from his lips. He grabs your waist with one hand to guide your hips back and forth as you bounce, his other hand squeezing your boob. Another orgasm rises in you.

"I'm going to cum baby keep going," he reassures you as you start to slow down. Tired from all the movement, you pull off and take the condom off, sucking his dick once more. You rub your clit, his face alone almost sending you over the edge. "Fuck," he sighs as he releases into your mouth, watching you swallow him. He looks down and sees you touching yourself. "Desperate for another?" Your face gets hot at his observation.

"What if I am?" You tease. He flips you on you back and immediately starts to fuck you with his fingers. You're taken by surprise, but you love it more than anything. He curls as he slowly pumps them at just the right place and speed.

"C'mon baby finish for me." His words unravel the knot in your stomach, causing you to cum on him once more. "Good girl," he mutters before sucking you off his fingers. He kisses you longingly, then makes a trail of pecks to your neck. "Next time you think of that asshole ex of yours, I want you to remember what that kiss tasted like. What we taste like."

"I'm all yours now Jake."

"I know you are," he replies while walking to his drawer. He pulls out a pair of plaid pajama pants and an old band t-shirt, putting them on in front of you. "Are you staying the night?" The question rings in your head. Why is he asking you? Why do you want to stay the night with your ex? Why did you do any of this?

"If you don't mind," you respond before thinking. He reaches in and grabs you similar clothes to his.

"Of course not. Do you want anything? Water or snacks?"

"Just you," you grin. He turns the light off and climbs into the bed with you once you have put the clothes on. His body lies inches from you, not daring to touch you or else feelings might form again. Uncertainty of your own feelings stream throughout your thoughts. "Jake?"

"Yeah?" He turns over to face you, moonlight barely shimmering down on him from a window.

"Are you going to go back to Elena and act like this never happened?"

"After seeing you so vulnerable tonight I don't think I could ever look into her eyes again. I really missed you." He places his hand on your cheek. His thumb unconsciously moves back and forth.

"Does this make me a bad person?" You ask silently.

"Why would you be a bad person?"

"James," you say shortly.

"He clearly deserves this. I don't to assume anything or hurt you, but he's probably out fucking some girl right now. I don't see why he ever would, you're the best girlfriend anyone could ask for." He speaks from experience.

"It's not just that though."

"What is it then?" He furrows his eyebrows.

"I'm catching feelings for you again. They never completely left to begin with. When we broke up, I found James, yet his only job was the replace the hole you left in me. I wanted you. In the back of my head, I have for the whole two months leading up to today. I never got over you, I never will. I understand if you don't feel the same way, I just needed to tell you sooner rather than later. That being if we ever even talk again after tonight."

"I feel the same way love." The name makes your heart pump faster.

"What does this mean for us?" You worriedly ask.

"I think it means we need to take things slow if we ever want to go back. You just need-" He says before you interrupt.

"So you do want to go back?"

"Is that bad?" He questions

"I want to as well, so I guess it's okay." You smile.

"We can have a fresh start if we just pace it right. Rushing into a relationship the same day you got broken up with probably isn't a good idea. Tomorrow I will make breakfast and let you sleep in. We can act however you want, no label."

"That sounds perfect," you yawn.

"Good," he smiles. You lean and kiss him on the cheek. He pulls you closer, yet leave a gap in between you just in case. You scoot in, wishing to be as close as possible. He hugs you and runs his hands up and down your back. You slide a hand up his shirt, craving his warmth in such a cold room. Eyelids getting heavy, you close your eyes and dream about a fresh start with Jake Kiszka.

#jake kiska fic #jake kiszka #jake kiskza x reader #greta van fic #greta van smut #jake gvf #fanfic

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asmo-d3us · 4 months ago

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Marauders Era Characters on the 4th of July

James Potter - Snack Duty

His job is to go to the store and buy the fireworks with Peter.

Is the type of dude to sneak into the kitchens when no one is there and eat the snacks before anyone catches him.

When the fireworks start he’s all hyped up but right when they reach the big ones and the loud ones he starts shitting his pants in fear.

Is the type to watch someone light a firework from 6 miles away, or drag people 6 miles away so they don’t get hurt.

Barty aggressively scares him with the fireworks until he’s screeching and Evan + Regulus find it hilarious.

Sirius Black - Cooking Duty

Is on cook duty with Remus.

Slaps everyone’s hands when they try to get smth out of a plate/bowl. He acts like he doesn’t see James when he does it.

He’s the one standing dangerously close to the fireworks.

He’s the one blasting music that the whole neighborhood can hear over the fireworks.

Tells James to buy the big and loud ones, but he saves them for later when Regulus isn’t there bc he knows he’s scared of them.

Is having a romantic time with Remus and they keep getting interrupted bc the kitchen is right next to the stairs that lead to the rooftop.

Remus Lupin - Cooking Duty

Bro is passionately cooking, he’s not even that excited about it being 4th of July.

Every time the good neighbors start doing the fireworks he starts hooting and cheering.

Tells Barty and Marlene how to angle the fireworks bc he’s a smartass.

Misses all the good fireworks and it drives his friends mad.

Eats everything he made and asks if it tasted good, and they all glare at him bc he didn’t leave any for them to try.

Peter Pettigrew - Snack Duty

He just has the best taste in snacks.

Everything that Remus and Sirius are making was HIS idea, and the things HE bought. But of course, he never gets any recognition.

Is munching on a bowl of popcorn, watching the fireworks go off and giggling at the manic laughter emitting from Barty.

He just minds his own business, watching the fireworks until the very end.

When they completely stop, he turns around to check on everyone else and see if they enjoyed their time, and he realizes that they had left a while ago. (I know they wouldn’t do this, I’m just adding angst).

Lily Evans - Organization Duty

She’s the one putting the food and snacks in good plates and bowls, making sure there’s a table set outside with chairs, checking multiple times if it’s safe.

Repeatedly looks around the curb just in case there’s a cop. When she hears the sirens she starts panicking and Mary tells her to calm her tits down.

When she notices someone (Remus) is eating all the food, she zooms back inside to get more for refills.

Whenever there’s a loud firework she closes her ears, Regulus notices this and feels a sense of relief knowing he’s not the only one who’s scared of it.

Mary Macdonald - Lounging Duty

She’s the one bringing the stools and tables and setting them outside. She also brings out the drinks, and makes sure everyone’s comfortable.

She puts up warning signs against traffic cones in the ‘firework zone’ for dramatic effect. It basically means it’s the ‘do not disturb insane Barty who is quite literally playing with fire’ zone.

She doesn’t help at all. She claims she did but she just pulled out the tables and chairs, and sprawled in the most comfortable one.

Marlene McKinnon - Firework Duty

Is helping Barty with the fireworks. It goes great at first! They’re high-fiving when it’s a good one, patting each others backs when it’s a bad one, until it goes downhill..

Barty begins to laugh like a pyromaniac, which tbh, he most likely is. Marlene is concerned and makes her way out of the ‘firework zone’, and sits next to Dorcas who laughs at her expression and claims that it’s ’him being normal.’

For the remainder of the night, she’s just sitting there, all grumpy in the hands of her soon-to-be-wife, and glaring at Barty bc even when they were childhood friends he would never let her enjoy the ‘firework zone’.

Unbeknownst to Dorcas, Marlene actually does know this fact abt Barty, it’s just that James, Barty, and Marlene agreed not to speak about their childhood memories with anyone else.

Dorcas Meadows - Lookout Duty

She’s not even doing her job. She gave up when Lily kept bothering her and peeking her head around her shoulder. Anyway, she’d much rather sit with her girlfriend.

Pandora notices that she’s lacking so she just stares at her with disappointment.

Is munching on the snacks with Remus and acts like she didn’t eat a single thing when everyone realizes the food/snacks are gone.

She enjoys observing Barty and his insane episode. It fills her with love, because that’s her best friend. That’s someone she’ll love forever, and burn down buildings with.

Regulus Black - Face Your Fears Duty

James told him he must face his fears, and become stronger. James told him to ‘show’ his parents that they no longer control him, that he isn’t scared anymore! So Regulus does.

At first he shuts his eyes so he doesn’t see anything while he sits next to James and his brother, and then he begins to shake, which alerts James, and he begins to side-hug him.

It gets worse, but he stays strong. He starts to close his ears, the only thing he feels is the rumble beneath his feet, the distant BANG of the nearby fireworks, and his best friend’s manic laughter.

And—not in a bad way—but he thinks the thing that grounded him was not only James’ comforting arm around him, and not only sitting close by his brother, but the muted screaming of Barty, the muted laughter of Evan, the dancing of Pandora, and the adoration in the eyes of Dorcas.

He doesn’t close his ears on New Years after that.

Barty Crouch Jr. - Firework Duty

He will admit, he did let the sight of the fire, and the feeling of having control over the fire, take over his senses.

No worries, he apologized to Marlene when they stepped inside.

The adrenaline of being able to control the fire was overwhelming. The feeling of controlling something so dangerous was addicting.

But it wasn’t the thing spurring him on, no, it was the sound of his boyfriends laughter, the cackling of Dorcas, the dramatic dancing of Pandora around the ‘firework zone’, and the determination pumping in his veins, screaming at him to reverse the fear living in Regulus.

Didn’t even stop for a bathroom break, for any snacks, no. This man was competing with the neighbors on who has the best fireworks. This happens every year and everyone enjoys this competitive rivalry.

It’s obvious how much I love The Pantheons.

Evan Rosier - Royalty Duty

It’s his and Barty’s house so he’s getting royalty treatment. (Barty forced this upon everyone).

Just stands there nearby the zone, arms crossed and a dazed smile on his face. The sight of his beloved and wild boyfriend was intoxicating. He looks prettier than the fireworks, he thought.

Would NOT take his eyes off of his lover. He was smitten, and everyone could notice.

He would occasionally laugh at Dorcas’ jokes or her own laughter, reluctantly join Pandora in her dancing when she’d drag him with her, and once-in-a-while send a comforting, yet knowing smile to Regulus.

Pandora Rosier - Princess Duty

She gets princess treatment. She is queen. She is icon. She is oxygen.

Most definitely smoked a lil’ beforehand, if you know what I mean.

Dances around the group, and mostly around ‘the zone’. She sometimes grabs Evan and forces him to dance with her, which he does. Just for her.

The whole time she’s dancing, occasionally puffing, and slipping some snacks into her palms when she passes by the table.

She enjoys seeing Barty so happy and in his element, and she enjoys the lovesick expression on her brothers face even more. Not to mention the hilarious jokes of her best friend Dorcas and the vanishing fear of fireworks in her best friend Regulus! The squeals of James, the inappropriate music blasting of Sirius, the major appetite of Remus, the worry in Lily, the laziness of Mary, and the pout on Marlene’s face.

She couldn’t have asked for a better day.

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rosesraleigh · 10 months ago

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Character name: Rose Eleanor Raleigh

Age: 28

Gender identification: Cis female

Preferred pronouns: She/Her

Residential area: Celestial Drive

Occupation: Line Cook at Titan Grill and Restaurant

Time in Starlight Oaks: 2 months

TL;DR: originally from brooklyn, recently divorced, line cook when she's talented enough to be cooking high cuisine, in her trainwreck and rock bottom era, enjoying the freedom of no longer giving a fuck

FULL BIO

tw: parental abandonment, cancer, infidelity

Rose Raleigh was the result of a quarter-life crisis.

Her mother, Alma, during a nervous breakdown of sorts, ran away from her husband and two children and landed herself in Brooklyn, New York while having what she described as “a nervous breakdown about her impending 30th birthday”. In a matter of weeks, after meeting him in the family diner where he worked, she was shacked up with Donny Raleigh in his apartment over the restaurant – named ‘Rosie’s Table’, a neighborhood staple. It wasn’t more than a month later that Alma was staring down two pink lines on a pregnancy test in Donny’s bathroom.

Her third child was on the way.

Fast forward to roughly eight months later, and Alma had had a change of heart about Donny along with her husband and kids back in Vancouver. Unceremonious would be the best way to describe her exit from the hospital after giving birth to her baby girl, jumping on the next flight out to reunite with her “real” family.

Donny didn’t think twice about what single-fatherhood would mean – the guy was all in. He raised Rose (named after his mother, the diner’s namesake), in the apartment above the diner. Rose grew up around the sizzle of the fryers and the smell of grilled onions; Sunday brunch regulars gossiping over endless coffee refills and hungover college students begging for a bacon egg and cheese even though they were a buck short. As soon as she was old enough to refill a ketchup bottle and roll silverware in a napkin, Rose was on the payroll.

She wanted connection desperately, and it was so easy for her to find in the kitchen. Rose loved the feeling of nourishing people, being a part of their daily routines and special events by proxy of the food that she made for them. She soaked up every foodie blog she could stumble across – Donny even sprung for the extended cable package so they would get more cooking channels. It wasn’t a shock to anyone when she set her sights on The Culinary Institute of America.

(Good thing Donny had been setting aside a portion of his tips since the day she was born.)

With a huge send off at a neighborhood block party, Rose waltzed out to TCIA…and quickly realized that she was in over her head. However, failing and disappointing everyone in the diner who believed in her was not an option. With dedication and stubborn will (and several unhealthy coping mechanisms), Rose came out the other side with her degree in hand and a world full of potential at her feet –

And ended up right back in the comfort of her father’s kitchen.

It was there that she met Greg, the son of a local plumber who was allergic to pickles (hence why she remembered his order). One date turned into two, two went on to twenty, twenty led to moving in together, which led to a wedding.

Two weeks after he walked her down the aisle, Donny was diagnosed with lung cancer.

For the two years nothing seemed different, aside from a cough and chemo (which still wasn’t enough to stop the guy from smoking). Then he needed to wheel oxygen around with him – that added two more years. And then things went downhill fast, and Donny was bedridden and in a hospital more often than not. Unable to handle the operations of the diner anymore, he signed ownership over to his daughter – but medical bills continued to pile up and additional treatment was needed, and then eventually in home hospice care.

Rose sold ‘Rosie’s Table’ to cover the expenses. And Donny died the next day.

The two weeks later, on the last day the diner was open, Rose ended up fucking a busboy over the prep counter after closing. Greg ended up seeing the security video.

Things went downhill fast.

Divorce papers signed a few short months later, Rose needed to get the fuck out of New York. Fuck that, she needed to be on the other side of the country.

She ended up in Washington, remembering her father saying that was where her mother lived. At the current time, Rose is still too scared to reach out.

Instead, she pours herself into her position as a line cook – smoking out back like a fiend, doing a line or two mid shift, and wondering how the hell she got here.

PERSONALITY

Two positive traits: Driven and visionary

Two negative traits: Impulsive and sharp-tongued

FUN FACTS

never call her ‘rosie’

when left to her own devices, mostly eats microwavable meals or egg dishes (scrambled, fried, omelettes)

speaks spanish and french

very obvious new york accent when she’s working in the kitchen, or pissed off

doesn’t keep up on a lot of shows, except for depression binges of real housewives and other bravo shows

starting to playfully dabble in illegal substances

has a talent for wine pairings with fancy food yet keeps franzia in a box at home

CONNECTIONS

WANTED CONNECTIONS

coworkers/people in the service industry to keep the same weird hours as her

neighbors

messy hookups because she’s definitely in her chaotic era

perhaps friends who have adopted her weird little self since she came to town

eventually i’d like to dabble in the concept of her finding her half siblings, so if you have a character that could fit into that i’d love to hear it!

#starlight.intro #intro.

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aita-blorbos · 9 months ago

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AITA for forgetting that my friend’s mom is dead?

i (20f) dropped out after two years of college and returned to my hometown for the first time since. my best friend when I was little (also 20f) and I have drifted apart over the years, but especially since I went off to college. she’s been through a lot, so it makes sense that she’s prickly. but since I came back to town, it feels like she totally resents me.

a couple of nights after I came back, some people in the neighborhood threw a bonfire party in the woods which me, my friend, and two other friends went to. we all kind of went our own separate ways in the party, and I got super anxious being in a situation like this, especially since my ex from high school was there and things didn’t exactly end on good terms with him. to deal with that, I ended up getting super drunk and called everyone’s attention to me giving a very drunk fuck-the-world speech, which ended with me puking on my high school ex who did literally nothing wrong. my friend seemed disappointed but unsurprised by this, and offered to drive me home as there was no way I could get there by myself.

in the car on the way back, I, still drunk, tried to apologize to her and talk to her about what’s been going on between us. but I fucked it up really bad, because of course the only time I could get the courage to talk to her was when I was wasted. my thoughts were really concise and profound, trying to ask her what I’d done and what happened to how we used to be, but my words all slurred together when I tried to get them out. at one point, I stopped myself from puking again and asked her to apologize to her mother for me if I did. I’d totally forgotten that her mother died senior year of high school and how badly it hurt her, and my attempts to apologize came out incoherent and dickish and rude.

this totally sets her off, asking what happened to me to make me spiral downhill so fast. i used to be smart, used to be fun, and now i’m a college dropout when she would have killed to be able to go to college at all instead of stuck in this town just like everyone else. she called me out on all my shit, so i started bawling, but even though i was sloppy drunk and unable to communicate with her, she still helped me inside and put me to bed. i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since it happened, and I don’t know how to feel. AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

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bergeronprocess · 18 days ago

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10/24/24

Once again I am looking towards Drew Magary for inspiration. In his latest Jamboroo, he starts by asking: Let’s Remember Our Cars. https://defector.com/lets-remember-our-cars?giftLink=ac2b35bae9bbd5319d729ac26c876081

Well, don’t mind if I do!

My car history is pretty short so far. I’m 35, going to be 36 in a couple of months, and I have only owned 3 cars to date. However, I’m going to start my car history with a car I did not own.

CAR NUMBER 1

Back when I was a senior in high school in 2007, I was getting tired of the school bus life. The afternoon bus driver was a German guy with a short fuse and he would literally stop the bus to yell at kids for misbehaving. Meanwhile I’m just sitting there listening to my iPod, not causing any trouble, just wanting to get home already. The bus also stopped at the entrance to my neighborhood because I lived in a gated community, which is a phrase that makes it sound way fancier than it is; it’s a condo complex of small but cute condo homes built in 1983, my mom’s a teacher, we are not flush with money. I would need to walk from the stop to my house, which involved going up a hill because this is Atlanta and everything is on a hill.

I even decided to stop taking the bus altogether and take the MARTA bus home instead. It stopped at the intersection closest to my school, but the stop by my house was not super close either. I would need to walk downhill to get home. Plus, taking the public bus costs money.

My best friend growing up was named Caitlin, and her older sister is Chelsea. Chelsea is a year older than us and was always a year ahead of us in school, so when I was a senior, she was already off to college. She went as far away from Atlanta as you can do while still being in America - she went to the University of Hawaii. To this day she still lives in Honolulu! When she left for Hawaii, she left behind her car, a gray first-generation Kia Sportage 3-door soft top convertible.

If you’re picturing a sporty convertible car like a Corvette or something, put that thought out of your mind. This was a very tiny version of an SUV or crossover or Jeep. Caitlin’s mom warned me that trying to take off the soft top was extremely difficult to do, so I never actually tried. The radio did not work, so the only way to enjoy music while driving was to play CDs. I burned lots and lots of mix CDs! One time, my mom offered to drive the car up the street and fill it up with gas. Unfortunately the mix CD I had in the car at the time featured the song “Hit ‘Em Up” by Tupac, which is…a very explicit song. When she got back from the gas station, she was a bit surprised to hear that song! Sorry, Mom.

That little car served me well for most of senior year. I wanted to use it in my homecoming parade to represent the school’s chapter of Young Democrats, but then the parade was canceled due to inclement weather. Parking at my school is notoriously difficult because it’s an old building, so those of us who couldn’t secure a parking permit would park on nearby residential streets. I chose a less-crowded street because the idea of parallel parking stressed me out, as it still does to this day.

As my graduation date drew nearer, though, I would soon have the opportunity to own my first car.

CAR NUMBER 2

I was with my dad the day he bought this car, not knowing it would become my car a few years later. We went to Saturn of Gwinnett and he purchased a red 2002 Saturn SC-2 coupe that was nearly new - a customer had purchased it totally new, but then changed their mind and sold it back, so it was basically new but without the new price. When I was learning to drive, and spending weekends with my dad, he’d take me out on the road in that car. I would often play The Killers’ debut album. I did a lot of my learning to drive in that Saturn!

During my high school years, one by one my dad’s family members died. My grandma, my grandpa, my uncle, all gone within a matter of years due to various cancers. My dad was the executor, settling all the estates, and that meant he was able to take possession of my uncle’s Buick sedan. Uncle Bill was a Buick man through and through. He’d lease a new one every year or two and then it was on to the next one. He was no rich man - he worked at the steel mill in town, the pollution from which probably contributed to his death - but he loved his Buicks.

With Dad taking over the Buick, he gave me the Saturn, and it became the first car that ever had my name on the title. I started driving it at the end of my senior year, drove it all through college and drove it until 2013. I decorated it with bumper stickers, I used a cassette adapter to play my iPod through the radio, I loved its quirky third door that could only be opened if the driver’s door was open. When I moved out of the college dorm after freshman year, I was able to stuff everything from my room into that car and drive back home in just one trip. I drove that car, with Caitlin in it also, to Borders Bookstore for the midnight release party of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - an end of an era. This was the first car I ever drove to my office, where I still work now!

However, the car did have some issues. It hydroplaned really easily, and Atlanta’s streets often develop really big puddles if it rains really hard, so I had to be very careful in the rain. The sunroof leaked at one point, creating ugly staining on the top of the door frames. My friend Amanda’s then-boyfriend Joe was a car guy and he sealed up the sunroof, fixing the issue but also removing the functionality. Then, in fall of 2013, a bunch of issues developed at once. Considering the potential cost of repairs versus the high mileage, I decided it was not worth it to throw good money after bad. It was time to trade this car in while it still had some value and move on to Car 3.

Coda:

If I’m remembering the location of Saturn of Gwinnett correctly, it’s now an independent car dealership called Atlanta Luxury Motors.

There was also a Saturn of Decatur dealership closer to home. For a while after that, it was some weird independent place, but now? Now it’s Stivers Decatur Subaru, where my husband works, and we’ll come back to that in a bit.

CAR NUMBER 3

In fall 2013, my mom’s car - a white 1996 Toyota Corolla, the other vehicle I learned to drive in, and which she had bought new 17 years previously - was also reaching that Good Money After Bad point. The head gaskets went, and I think some other issues developed too. After a frantic call to her older brother for advice, he said it was time for something new, and she purchased her current car: a gray 2013 Kia Rio.

I was impressed by the experience she had at the Kia dealership, so I decided to go there first when I was shopping. Though I did also stop by a couple of other places, including a CarMax where the A/C must have been malfunctioning at the time because it was uncomfortably warm inside and smelled like feet, I ended up returning to that Kia dealership and purchasing the first car I had test-driven: a dark gray 2012 Toyota Corolla LE. I’m pretty sure it had previously been a rental car because it had red-white-and-black No Smoking stickers in two different spots on the center console and stickers inside the driver’s side door that detailed the service intervals for cars from many different brands.

I DROVE that car! It went on multiple road trips as far away as Cincinnati in one direction and Orlando in the other direction. It had Bluetooth, so I could play my music that way, and the radio display had two whole lines of text (though it did not know what to do with Japanese text). It was great on gas, a smooth ride, never gave me many issues. Well, aside from a botched recall in 2020 that left me without airbag functionality for months on end. Since it was 2020, though, I wasn’t really going anywhere. I also needed the alternator replaced at one point.

That car was surprisingly capacious, too. It had a big trunk! I carried a few big-ticket items in it at one point, but the biggest-ticket item by far was a whole entire transmission that my husband purchased for his project car. I also really tested its passenger capacity once when I drove my mom, two of my aunts and my cousin around town for a day. It was up to the task, no matter what the task was.

It’s also an extremely common car. A person three houses down from us owns the exact same car and I see plenty of them around, to the point that I would call them out as such: a Fraternal Car Twin was a 10th generation Corolla in a different color or a dark gray one that was not an LE trim level. An Identical Car Twin, though, is a dark gray LE 10th generation Corolla. I often joked about seeing if there’s a Facebook group just for people with the exact same car as me. If so, it probably has a million people in it at least.

When I first met my now-husband in 2015, he bought a box of Toyota oil filters so he could do oil changes for me at his work. He never did get all the way through that box of filters. I used to say that I was going to drive that Corolla until it fell apart, at which point he would put it back together and we’d keep on going. I would see news articles about Toyotas with extremely high miles - 300k or more, and there’s a million-mile Toyota out there - and say “goals”.

But sometimes a golden opportunity just falls into your lap and you can’t say no. Enter Car 4.

CAR NUMBER 4:

This story actually starts all the way back in 2018, when I went to the Atlanta Auto Show with my husband. The Subaru area of the show included a fenced-off area where you could play with or perhaps even adopt puppies, in keeping with the brand’s reputation as being the car for pet people, as well as their latest models. I took a photo of, and briefly sat inside, a shiny new dark blue Impreza hatchback and declared it my dream car. Later on Facebook, I captioned the photo something like “Oh, you’re so pretty, but you’re too pricey!”

Six years later, my husband’s coworker was asked to do the Certified Pre-Owned inspection on a (not dark) blue 2022 Subaru Impreza hatchback. The dealership’s receptionist had traded it in for a new Subaru. He messaged me a picture of the car and said something like “Look what my coworker is doing the Certified Pre-Owned inspection on. I know what you’re going to say…” assuming that I would say it’s so pretty but no thank you.

I think he was surprised when I said “Hold on a second. Tell me more.”

I’ve always wanted a blue car. I really wish the Corolla had been blue because its blue finish was really pretty. And since 2015, I’ve had a front-row seat to the offerings of the Subaru Corporation, so I got to know their lineup pretty well.

The car passed the inspection with flying colors and I even got to see the full inspection report. The technicians have to check on about 150 different things! It’s very extensive.

So, I cleaned out my Corolla and drove it down to my husband’s work one fine Saturday, just a couple of days after the Impreza was on the inspection lift. A few hours and one test drive later, it was mine!

I’ve only had it for a couple of months so far, but it’s a fabulous little car. The hatch is surprisingly spacious, as is the back seat - I think I read that it leads its class in backseat room. I now have a touchscreen, blind spot monitoring, a backup camera (a feature I always wanted in my Corolla) and adaptive cruise control. The car automatically turns on the headlights for me and starts up keylessly. I’ve even gotten used to the gas cap being on the right instead of the left.

I’ve put it through its paces for passenger capacity by driving my husband, mother-in-law and brother-in-law around. All passengers reported a comfortable ride, which could not be said about the backseat of the Corolla. We plan to use it on a road trip up to Cincinnati for Christmas. The car has not yet needed any routine maintenance, but I happen to know exactly where to take it when it does.

Recently, my photos from that 2018 auto show resurfaced in my memories - and I smiled, because I was able to make my dream a reality.

Now, if you asked my husband to do this Remember Some Cars exercise, he would go on quite a bit longer. Mechanics tend to drive cheap cars that they fix up themselves, but have more turnover. His car history has many more chapters than mine. But even though mine is a short book, it’s still a good book!

#daily writing practice

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casspurrjoybell-33 · 8 months ago

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Wreckless - Friday Afternoon

*Warning Adult Content*

Finnegan

What a week.

What a busy, frustrating, exhilarating week.

Sunday was great.

We had breakfast at a bakery on the boardwalk and got delicious coffee to sip while we walked.

Eventually though we had to come home and that's when it all went downhill.

That's not true, Sunday evening was fine.

Work is when it got crazy.

I don't know I did on Monday because I accomplished nothing even though I spent the entire day running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Tuesday was booked solid with meetings and a few interviews.

Wednesday I spent the morning finalizing a bid and spent the afternoon in DC.

I got stuck in the worst traffic I've ever seen on way home due to an accident and didn't get home until almost nine.

I don't want to talk about yesterday because Megan wasn't here and that turned almost impossible day into a complete shit show.

It's almost one o'clock on Friday and I haven't eaten lunch yet but I have no time because Emmett and I are looking at two houses this afternoon and we have to meet the realtor at the first house at three.

I have five hours of work to do before then and a twenty minute drive.

What I'm about to ask him to do will make his day much harder but it's the only way I can see myself making it.

Finnegan Walker: Emmett, any chance you can pick me up and bring me something to eat? Need to work and eat on the way to the house.

Emmett Locke: You're lucky you're cute. Of course. I'll be in the parking lot at 2:35.

Finnegan Walker: Thank you.

That makes everything a little more doable and I manage to only be seven minutes late getting downstairs.

"Thank you Emmett, glad you have the day off."

"It's no problem, darling."

I try to do three things at once on the way to the house because I want to see the neighborhood, I have to eat something before I pass out, and I still have an email to finish.

When we pull up I look at Emmett.

He puts the car in park and looks at me.

"I hate it."

He laughs.

"It's a bit more, uh, rough than the picture looked but maybe the inside is great. We're here, let's give it a shot."

The house needs to be shot.

This is why I didn't want to look at anything too cheap but the picture of the kitchen had me convinced to try it.

The realtor is already there and opens the door as we walk up the crumbling sidewalk.

We walk through and yes, the kitchen is nice although on closer inspection the finishes are cheap and what I thought was a nice backsplash is actually just some sort of wallpaper or something.

I thank her for her time and politely tell her that she would waste a lot less of her time if she put more accurate pictures online.

"I can't believe you said that," Emmett says, chuckling, as he buckles his seat belt.

"Well it's true. This is why we need our own realtor. She would have checked this place out for us and known it's... well not what we wanted."

"But that takes all the fun out of it, Finnegan. Besides, I love seeing other people's houses, I have this weird fascination with how other people live and I love architecture."

That's news to me.

There's still a lot about him that I don't know.

"Besides, the next house should be great to balance out this one."

The second house is adorable.

It's also next door, literally next door, to a drug store that's open 24/7 hours a day.

Not three hundred feet away is a fast food place and just down from that is the hospital.

An ambulance flies by before we even get out of the car.

"Emmett, you need to be more specific. The house looks cute. The neighborhood... no."

"Next time we'll use google street view. The realtor's here, we have to go in."

"We do not, that's what phones are for."

His sign is on the front lawn and I call the number, politely telling him that no one wants to live next to a drug store and their asking price is ridiculous.

Location, location, location.

Well today was a bust.

I rushed around and left work for nothing.

"I should go back to work."

"No you shouldn't. I have no doubt that you're going to work tomorrow so take the evening off, Finnegan. Quincy and Rhys invited us to their place for dinner. I told them we'd have to see with the house viewings but"

"Let's go."

It's rude to interrupt but YES.

"Please?"

I need to change first... I'm still in my suit.

"Hold on."

He's amused.

"Let me text him real quick."

Soon we're off, heading towards our house.

His cell-phone chirps on the way and he lets me grab it.

"He says they'd love to have us and they're both already home," I read.

"Let him know our eta, so he can plan dinner."

"I'll take care of that while you change. No way you're wearing a monkey suit to play with Rhys."

He's so thoughful.

"Thanks Emmett."

Half an hour later we're on the road.

We've been asked to bring a six-pack and some chips and they're now nestled in the trunk.

"We're gonna see Rhys."

He looks over at me quickly and smiles.

"Yes we are. It should be a fun night."

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cnstv · 10 months ago

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1/7 Spent half an hour shoveling out J's car in front of her house so we could drive to the diner. The snow was about two feet high, all around the car, and for much of it I had to walk across the street with each shovel to empty it on the other side. When we got back from the diner, another car was parked in that spot. Technically legal, oh yes, it's a public sidewalk, and yet, anyone can see that it's the spot of whoever lives in that house. What a dick move. We fantasized how that car would get accidentally scratched by a key sticking out of someone's bag, or somebody pouring hot water over the windshield to make it crack. As a more pedagogical approach, I was about to shovel a big heap of snow onto that car's windshield.

We were lucky to realize our pettiness. It's the stuff that sows animosity in a neighborhood forever. We could park across the street in the snow, using the downhill slope to help us get out of it if necessary. If we had been in need of a parking spot in a neighborhood that was fully snowed in, we would have done the same as that driver.

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hikeofthemonth · 1 year ago

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October 2023 Mangum Dental Hike-of-the-Month Piglet Loop at Thumb Butte Prescott, Arizona

Distance: 3.9 miles

Difficulty: Easy

Elevation: 367 feet

Parking: Trailhead is at the main Thumb Butte Parking Area just off Thumb Butte Road. There are restrooms, water, and a $5 National Forest Fee, or you can use your National Parks Pass.

Directions: Take Gurley West from the Courthouse Plaza for 1.5 miles. The road changes to Thumb Butte Road and continues for an additional 2.0 miles. Pass the painted crosswalk at the base of Thumb Butte and turn right into the parking area.

Summary

This hike provides some of the best views of Thumb Butte of any in the Prescott area. There are also views of Granite Mountain and a glance at the San Fransisco Peaks. Start on Trail #315, Water Tower, located directly next to the campground host trailer at the northeast end of the parking area. The trail starts a gradual uphill, keep an eye out to the right for the water tower. After 0.9 miles, take a right when the trail meets the #317, Ridgetop Trail. After 0.1 miles, the #317 ends at a gate leading to a neighborhood and Trailhead Drive. Turn left onto trail #328, Piglet Trail. This connecting trail was added in 2017 by the "Over the Hill Gang." This section is 0.6 miles downhill to connect to the #316 Pine Lakes Trail. Most of the previous trail was semi-exposed, but take a right on the #316 and hike in the shaded canyon, now hiking slightly uphill. This hike has only moderate elevation gain with plenty of twists and turns to keep it interesting. Hike on #316 for 0.8 miles and turn left on trail #317, Ridge Top. This stretch is 1.2 miles heading south and has the best views of the iconic Thumb Butte, which looks over this trail area like a sentinal tower. This area is semi-exposed and climbs gently until it intersects the southern portion of the #316 Pine Lakes Trail. Turn right and hike downhill about 0.2 miles to the parking area. The highlights of this hike include the views, birds and wildlife, and excellently maintained trails. Sometimes, this area can be moderately busy with hikers and mountain bike riders. The views of Thumb Butte give the advantage of hiking this trail counter-clockwise.

Mangum Dental is a family dental practice established in Prescott, Arizona, in 1978. We work diligently to earn your trust with a smile. More information about Dr. Brett Mangum and Dr. Jim Ransdell can be found at www.mangumdental.com. Also, find our hike of the month archives on our website.

Other trails Willy Nilly Link to Hiking Spree Map

#hikeofthemonth #hikeprescott #mangumdental

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timeoverload · 1 year ago

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I woke up super early today even though I was up late last night. I didn't want to just sit around this morning. I decided to go drive around for a while before it got too hot out. I went and got myself breakfast.

I also drove through our old neighborhood. I can't believe how big the trees are out there now. When we lived out there, there were still a lot of undeveloped plots of land but it looks a lot different now. I drove by the house my parents built together. It makes me happy to see that there's a family living there and they have taken good care of it. I've never met them but I hope they are doing well and that they have had a better experience there than we had. Sometimes I miss living there and wish we wouldn't have had to move. It was a nice house but I feel like the land was cursed or something. Everything started going downhill after we moved in there and my mom started to get sick around that time. I had a lot of traumatic experiences in that house so it was probably for the best.

The reason I woke up so early was because I had a dream about my grandpa (my mom's dad). It wasn't a bad dream. I was in his old house except it didn't look exactly the same. It was furnished a lot nicer. He looked a lot younger and I talked to him but I don't remember what he said. He seemed very happy and was laughing about something. His laughter was always contagious and I miss hearing it. I miss him and I miss when he would come to see us all the time.

I decided to go to the cemetery this morning too. I tried to find his grave. I walked around and drove in circles for a while and I couldn't find it. I was frustrated because some of the sections aren't clearly marked. I had to give up after a while because it was getting hot and I got tired. I also didn't wear sunscreen and I didn't want to get a sun burn. I am going to try to find it another day.

I did go to see my other grandparents and great grandparents. Their graves are super easy to find and I knew exactly where they were. I sat there for a while. It was a little eerie because I got a notification on my phone the moment I sat down in the grass next to them. It made me feel like they were there but it didn't scare me or anything. When I got back to the car, I turned my music on and it was on shuffle and I kept hearing songs about heaven. I also saw a group of 5 geese right after that and I think someone was trying to send me a good message. I guess I try to find meaning in a lot of the experiences I have.

I'm not sure what I believe in anymore. I used to be very religious and label myself as a christian. I went to church all the time. I consider myself to be agnostic now but I'm still a spiritual person. I would like to believe that heaven is real and that our souls go somewhere after we die. I want to believe that there is someone watching over me and protecting me. I believe that the universe is mysterious and I'm not sure if we will ever understand everything.

I have been so emotional and teary-eyed today. I decided to increase my lamotrigine last night and I haven't noticed a huge difference yet but it will take some time. I don't want to be a monster. I still feel horrible for being so nasty on Friday. I'm sorry again. I know that saying sorry sometimes isn't enough and I can't take back the things that I've said. I am still angry with myself. I know I'm not a bad person but I have felt like it recently. I'm trying so hard to be good and happy despite the circumstances I'm in currently. I'm only human and I know I have a lot of flaws. I make mistakes all of the time. I am doing my best to learn from them and avoid repeating them. I know I have a big heart and I have a lot of love to give.

I have devoted almost half of my life to caring for others through the jobs that I have had. It hasn't been easy but I know that my mission in life is to help other people as much as I can. I truly want to make the world a better place and I wish had the power to do that on my own.

I worked in the nursing home for a while and I had patients that were incredibly mean and violent towards me but I still gave them the best care that I possibly could. A lot of them couldn't help it because they were suffering from alzheimers and dementia. They didn't know what was going on so I couldn't be upset with them. When I worked in hospice, I sat with dozens of people while they were dying and held their hand when their families wouldn't come to see them so they wouldn't have to die alone. Death isn't always peaceful and it's so hard to see people like that. It broke my heart and no one deserves to suffer like that by themselves.

I need to step back sometimes and think about those memories and remind myself that I can't take my life for granted. I am very lucky to be here and it's a miracle that I'm still here. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone and I need to be thankful that I have been given the opportunity to exist.

I wanted to be a nurse so badly but I couldn't handle nursing school and it's a really tough job. I can't handle working directly with patients anymore because I'm autistic and I have a hard time socializing. It was difficult for me to go home at the end of the day and not think about the things that I had seen and it got to me after a while. I did my best anyway. I also understand why some nurses and doctors aren't very nice because they have seen a lot of bad things. They work very hard and I really admire those who are able to get up and do that every day. Working in the medical field is very hard in general.

I hope that I have at least helped indirectly improve the quality of life for thousands of people over the past 7 years by ensuring they don't get an infection from their surgery. As far as I know, the infection rate for eye patients is very low and it's because I care so much about what I do. I know I complain about it a lot but I think I am just burned out. I still try to put 100% of my effort into everything even when it gets tough and I'm tired.

I know that not everyone can see the good in me that but it's ok. I understand. I can't force anyone to like me. I can't expect other people to consider how hard I've been working all this time. I will keep trying my best to be sweet and kind anyway because that's who I really am. I need to stay optimistic and hopeful for the future. I know things will get better in time and so will I. I just can't give up.

I feel like I have been thinking too much today and I need to try to shut my brain off for a while. I took a shower and put my pajamas on already even though it's only 3:00. I think I am going to have to go to bed early tonight. I hope that tomorrow is a better day and that I can make the most of this week. I am only planning on working 2 days so I suppose I can look forward to getting some things accomplished around here. I am going to stop rambling now so I hope everyone can enjoy the rest of their day. I hope everyone has a good week. Thank you for listening.

#personal

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