#the dread the isolation the depression. the way that his parents treated him

[petorahs]

this literally proves that Makoto had less than pleasant thoughts about life after his parents died like I literally almost cried reading this response... everytime I feel like I'm reading too much into his character I'll remember this. "Because I know how it feels."

for context, Ken in the remake has a particular aspect in his character emphasized... [under read more are spoilers for his first two linked episodes, as well as discussions of suicidal ideation and depression].

in the original, it was made explicitly clear that Ken was going to avenge his mother's death by killing Shinjiro (who was as he deemed responsible) and then killing himself, because life will have no meaning to him beyond that. he's also a kid in elementary school.

in the remake, we find out that this manifests in several ways. first, he does not allow himself to enjoy things anymore, because that would mean he'd be too attached to his life he's going to throw away soon. when Makoto treats him to a hearty meal, he pauses after exclaiming that "it was delicious!", and that he "can't say things like that". food, one of life's simplest joys, has to be paltry to him. he has to focus on the mission. kinda like a robot.

secondly, he frequently regards things with a set time limit. a classmate invites him to the soccer team in October, but he declines (he was planning to kill himself on the 4th of that month, sorry, can't make it). he asks for Makoto's help to take care of his beloved pet hamster, because he knows he won't be around to. he's literally taking care of his own unsettled affairs like a dead boy walking. not making promises he can't keep (a lovely parallel to Shinjiro's upright advice to not break promises in his own 1st linked episode)

from this it can also be seen that Ken's obsession towards wanting to "seem mature" translates to "not wanting to be a burden", because no one took his problems seriously. just because he's a kid, doesn't mean these thoughts can't plague him. it's also because wanting to die makes people feel like they're taking up too much space. so, to do everyone a favor, disappearing would be optimal. (source: my own old thoughts...)

a common thought process of depressed people is indifference to their own future, like "I don't know if I'll make it past 20 years old" for example. Shinjiro and Ken both have said a variation of this. they know neither of them are making it past October 4th. they have a ticking clock over their heads at all times.

and... apparently. what gets me is that Makoto of all people understands this. understands exactly what Ken is going through. that feeling of needing to isolate yourself because "they won't get it" or "i'm just a burden", of needing to be calm cool and collected at all times, of not caring about the future because you don't see one for yourself, that life literally has no meaning and there's no purpose to it- Makoto understands what it feels like to be overwhelmed by that much dread.

he's empathetic and kind, but has awkward ways of showing it. he extends his hands to those that are in clearly bad shape when no one wants to. that's the kind of character he is, and I won't believe anyone who tries to say he doesn't have one... :")

[matrixwhore]

Claudia is a case in black children who are adopted into wealthy families who suffer mistreatment and abuse that’s overlooked by the sensationalism of having been saved from something. Where the power of wealth remains in the hands of the patriarch who gives her gifts, but calls her ungrateful for being unhappy with how she’s treated despite the material advantage that comes with being in a rich household (as if that should or ever could make up for her suffering). where vampirism does not elevate her from being black like Louis and being a black girl something she experiences in alienation within this hellish nuclear family. Where her denial of power is immortalized in her being turned at fourteen and expected to fulfill unfair expectations (to remain their child forever or replace Louis’ sister and make up for his sins. even tho her very existence as a vampire is one of his sins) beyond what she ever could. Lestat is most honest about this when he constantly points out that she was taken from a nothing life (i’m paraphrasing). How she wouldn’t even be this, what she is now without them, unwilling to consider the immortal torment and dread of existing as she does. unwilling to acknowledge what was taken from her. even if she was to die there might have been peace in that, which is absent from the life of a vampire. doomed in longing to fill the void of never dying and never truly living. stripped of her humanity more so than they are bc she was so young and had not established enough of a human life to hold on to. Plus she’s completely isolated and no longer able to socialize and make friends/have romance, which we’ll see later.

she’s meant to fulfill the full potential of her gifted “good fortune” lil miss magnolia in a way that reflects her parents/her maker that “saved her,” but they are broken, so to is she—forever a shattered mirror, in which they are angry (Lestat) and too depressed (Louis) to acknowledge their own reflection.

Claudia forever trying to consume the power she is always denied. fuck the police indeed

i think it’s safe to say Louis would let Lestat give him information when he was ready to share. he doesn’t seem to ask questions. Claudia really highlights Lestat’s withholding. she really wedged in between all the cracks in their foundation and deepened them. she’s observant and curious is ways that threaten Lestat. and she doesn’t back down.

Louis tryna tell a grim lie this time only its Claudia’s jubilance that exposes that something isn’t all the way right. this one of my fav scenes.

the look on Lestat’s face when he about to eat the undertaker does things to mee!! i’m so sorry 😭

Louis in the red satin pajamas looking back at Lestat like that before they get in their own coffins only for Lestat to sneak into his when they think Claudia not looking.

Louis freak meter up

Lestat aint waste no time. it’s been too long. barely waited ten seconds before switching coffins.

Louis looking like he think it’s funny Lestat even getting in his own coffin to begin with.

y’all some sickos!!!

poor claudia 😭🤭

this little “i missed you”/“you missed me?” exchange still the cutest fucking thing. why are they like this??

Louis look so good in this pink shirt omg. i love that his outfit sort of mirrors Claudia’s. his suspenders to her overall straps. and they’re both in stripes. tho hers are a lot softer and less defined.

from “you gotta be careful where you dig” to Claudia tormenting Lestat with the memories of Nicki and Magnus’ deaths. i love a ruthless princess.

Claudia releasing the firefly after acknowledging that she understands she shouldn’t pry into what Lestat is hiding. Only she not gonna stop prying and observing. she not gonna be held and kept in the illusion of a glass jar something something about how the truth will set you free and all that.

Louis trying to believe Lestat is faithful to him just like he tries to like the flavor of blood from a fish. (Claudia can see, however, that something is fishy—im sorry)

Louis: and then you

thinking about that post about Louis setting feminism back by having a baby instead of working 😵‍💫

iwtv ep 4 rewatch thoughts

ep 4 starting with a sunrise bc the baby trap—the vampire Claudia—is the start of a new dawn in hell. only just like paul, she’s dead too…

ive shared some thoughts on this opening scene here

it breaks my heart that the first time we see the library with all it’s threads to Louis’ humanity/past (the books, the bench, the rocks etc. etc.) is when we’re properly introduced to Claudia given all she represented in Louis’ undead life. He brought her home to make up for what he was losing in the natural world/humanity (his sister/family etc. etc.) and to make up for his sins. but neither could ever truly live under his expectations or be what he needs (to no fault of theirs. tbc i don’t believe Claudia should have had to be what he needed). Claudia expected to play the role of their eternal child could not survive in their castle of lies in her own truth. a real magnolia tree could not survive within the confines of his penthouse coffin of self imposed (and maybe also imposed/enabled by Armand) delusions.

a magnolia tree is said to symbolize luck and stability (according to my quick google search) it’s first introduction in the show is being juxtaposed against the introduction of a character who suffered terrible luck and whose outcome contributes to Louis’ emotional instability. truly dreadful times.

the pink flowers symbolize: grace and femininity as well as joy, youth and innocence which reflects how Louis wants to remember Claudia i think. also the fact that it symbolizes Grace makes me want to be shot into the stratosphere. like please 😭. This is the pain with the vampire show.

i like the joyful and hopeful tone of the soundtrack as we dive in and get to know who she was. it really doesn’t give away what’s to come. it really speaks to the positive shift her addition to the rue royal townhouse brought, even though there was something much more grim happening beneath it. it also juxtaposes Daniel reading out a passage from her journal that is also bitter against the sweet feel of the soundtrack.

i also like that when Daniel picks up the journal that describes Claudia feeding from POWs there’s a wide shot that includes a blurred branch of the tree. which makes me think about that innocence symbolism in regards to how Claudia and her fate is viewed. Every decision that was made for this scene is encouraging/seducing the viewer to have a nuanced approach in how to we perceive Claudia before we get to the grit of it. Just like Louis/Rashmand encouraging Danny to start from the left—the sympathetic beginning—like i spoke about in the link above.

we see a quick shot of a drawn image of a bell in the journal Daniel picks up to read. bells are usually rung at the beginning and/or the end of something. in this case it is both the beginning and the end as we are introduced to Claudia when she is already dead.

and as we transition into Claudia’s pov Daniel takes the journal closer to the magnolia tree in a shot where the branch is once again blurred in the foreground.

[lemongogo]

[popculturebuffet]

Ducktales Reviews: The Lost Harp of Mirvana!

The ducks head under the sea, no accusations just friendly crustacians under the sea.. along with some sorta monster, mer hippies voiced by voice acting legends and della being unable to enjoy any of this because she’s hiding back at the sub. Take a dive under the cut. 

I’ll confess this wasn’t one I was even remotely excited about going in: I’ts not that I thought it’d be bad: the series is at it’s peak right now, I figured i’td be entertaining like last week, it just had the misforutne of being right before we finally get Daisy next week, and recent episode solicits for the two afte ronly made it worse: Fenton’s third episode (hopefully he gets two this season), that’s also hueycentric and will hopefully make gyro less dickish, and a wrestling episode because i’m a casual wrestling fan and huey having to play the heel against a norse snake god sounds fucking amazing. SO yeah “Hippie mermaids and Louie being suspcious only to oh no be proven wrong about being suspcious” as I predecited the episode would go sounded boring in comparison.  But i’m not afraid to eat crow... metaphorically, literally I don’t want to eat a crow it’d taste miserable and I don’t want to eat this crow because I love him.   

But on dreading this ep.. I was blown away. Part of it is low expectations: I had really none other than “it’ll be decent” going in, but that only carries you so far. No this episode was fantastic, adressed a problem i’d had since “Timephoon!”, if not earlier, and had some great guess casting. It was a throughly enjoyable, funny episode. Will it probably end up on my faviorites list like the premire duo might? no, but it’s still damn good. Let’s get into the why shall we Our story this week is fairly simple: The Ducks are headed under the sea to find the lost harp of mirvana, sans Launchpad because he had to go help an ex girlfirend, hang out with darkwing, it was his day off, they had enoguh characters to juggle as is, he got his head stuck in a jar again, I dunno. But refreshingly Beakly is present! Seriously this IS something I wanted since season 1: her coming along with the family more. She rarely does, which makes some small sense given she’s the housekeeper but has made less and less since they have a ghost butler and sh’es family at this point.  I get she has to earn her keep and what not, and wants to show up her ghostly rival, but come on. Thankfully they have come on and while i’m not sure if it’ll be a common thing going forward, it IS nice to have her for this one.  The story itself is nicely divded once our heroes run into the mirvanans themselves, zen mermaids, our focus ones voiced by  hyden walch and greg cripes, who you may know as starfire and beast boy from the teen titans cartoon... andtheotherone... as well as voicing Princess Bublegum and 2k12 Michealangeo respectivley. I Love these two and it was a treat to have them voice mermaid hippies.  Our party quicklky splits up into three plots that converge at the end: Louie, being naturally suspcious after nearly being sacrificed by seemingly benevlonet societies 20 something times (and Dewey having 71 according to the tally given this episode that I painstakingly counted. The boy is one braincell starved for attention) is suspcious this is a midsommar type thing and he’s in the middle of some sorta death cult as usual, while webby, a trusting soul, belivies nothing is wrong and the mer people are genuine, with Beakly backing her up despite seemingly going against her nature.  Now this plot alone seems stock for any show, but works here since it’s rooted in character; Louie sees all the angles and thus all the cliches adventurers run into. He’s been at this for at LEAST a year, he’s seen just enough to get how a certain story will probably go and being a grifter by nature, he dosen’t trust easy to begin with.  In contrast while Webby CAN be suspcious, her being naturally trusting has also been part of her character from the start.  She genuinely TRUSTS people and gives them a chance first and unless their a clear enemy of scrooges, will not turn her back on them. This is best shown with her relationship with Lena: even AFTER getting clear evidence Lena was a  spy the whole time, and even without the evidence that after a certain point it was a lie, she refused to fully belive Lena had betrayed her... and was rewarded with Lena giving her life for webby. She trusted Violet even after Violet had been hiding her intentions and had a dangerous magical artifact from her arch enemy on her, and was again rewarded this time with Lena coming back and getting another lifelong friend out of the deal in Violet. Webby has a faith in people that pays off more than not..t hough we’ve also seen that faith backfire, mostly in scrooge as scrooge is a flawed man and has serious issues, whether it’s a combination of flu and gaslighting driving him insane, or him lashing out at her at his weakest moment. Her optimisim both fuels her and has made her life better but has sometimes blindsided her to the flaws in people, especially her hero. It’s as bojack horseman put it “When you look at life through rose colored glasses, you miss all the red flags”. What keeps this intresting as the two go into an off limits danger cave to find out what’s inside, Louie to find proof he’s right and Webby to go with him to prove he’s wrong, is Beakly. After saving the two from a monster, Beakly keeps boosting webby..then privatley admits as the audience probably guessed she’s also deeply suspcious and simply dosen’t want to shatter her niece’s worldview until they have evidence. And this is where that thing I wanted comes into play: see last season during “Timephoon!” beakly is directly conrasted as a parent with Della, having raised two children and being wiser. And while she was in that moment.. Beakly isolated her grandchild, and basically kept her in a guilded cage while training her to be a weapon out of fear of loosing what little she had left. LIke with Donald’s smothering parenting, it’s understandable, but it should be adressed.. and this episode does, but thankfully dosen’t make Betina unsympathetic either: Every parent, or in my case uncle, has to lie once in a while, especially now with the Covid-19 pandemic. It’s natural. But Betina has gone overboard to try and protect Webby’s inoccence.. and it’s backfired. Not preparing her for scroog’es worse behavior lead to him outright destroying her during “Last Crash of the Sunchaser” when he temporarliy disowned her.  And here it leads to a damn powerful scene with great acting from both Toks and Kate . The trio find the harp, voiced by Rhetta aka Donna from parks and recreation, whose basically the harp from the “raiders of the lost harp” episode of the original, the first episode of said show I ever saw and a classic about a harp that would melodically say “no no no, your fibbing fibbing fibbing” when someone lied, which this harp does, if not every time. She reveals her former owner, the king of mirvana who the hippies build their society after his example, basically ducked repsonsiblity while things fell apart and spent too long underwater (the mirvanans can also walk on land) and became the monster from earlier, and the rest will share his fate if not told

The powerful part comes when Beakly tries to lie.. and the harp keeps shutting her out till she’s forced to admit the truth: you can just.. feel the pain coming from the poor woman, and webby folds into a depressed state. Naturally Louie realizes, once they get back to the rest of the family, more on that in a second, and seeing that the mermaids did NOT realize their king was a monster nor plan to feed them to him, webby was right and tells them to have hope and that the society they built IS valid even if their king was a dipstick, he rebuilds webby and after everythings wrapped up webby and beakly apologize and hug. It’s a damn good plot even if the “Louie realizes he was wrong and wasn’t right abotu them being evil” parts were predictable.. it worked due to the excellent character work, with Louie also realizing being a cynical dick is kind of obonxoious. A damn strong a plot The subplots are also rooted throughly in character while still being entertaining,especially once the a-plot gets heavy towards the end: Della in the c plot stays behind because she’s afraid of fish, only conquering it breifly at the end to help her family and punch a man in the face, but it’s nice to not only see some new bits to her as well as some neruosis of her own. She is donald’s sister: he can’t hog all of it for the two of them.  The main subplot though centers on the remaining family trying to earn their way to the harp by doing zen arts and crafts and works due to character: Donald becomes a hilaroius zen master in moments (though earlier he rebuffed a gently pat on the chest by the lady mermaid, though given she’s super pretty and he’s, for now, single and has been for a while.. jsut go for it. You’ll probably get a three way with the other one (who isn’t my type but it’s more the man bun than anything. Loose that and.. yeah i’ll be int hat mer sandwitch), but I digress, Donald finds inner peace, likely because well. he WANTS IT. He wants to be happy and calm, even if the world smacks him in the face and tells no. Granted said peace is disrupted in the most hilarous way possible simply by Huey telling him they think his barbeque is merely okay, but he deserves credit. The boys also quickly find it, Dewey making a mermaid tail with hot rod flames and huey making a woodchuck one but what makes the subplot is that scrooge..c an’t. He hates this society, he hates hippies and he LOATHES self reflection. It’s like this society was magicaly generated to piss him of and i’ts wonderful to watch.  And as a quick aside bit before we go Rhetta is awesome as the harp, not the parks cast member I woudl’ve chosen as my first round draft pick for the series but she does greatly and has great timing (especially when Louie talks about selling her) and it was nice to see a bit of my first ducktales experince come back in an intresting new way.  Overall this episode was a VERY plesant suprise, and taught me to be more open to an ep in the future even if it dosen’t look like it has a huge personal draw. It was excellent.And now before I go i’ve decided each week, especially now we have a enough, to put the episode in the ranking of each and every episode this season and placing them in comparison of one another. I might do a list ranking the first season and second seasons on their own for fun. But for now here’s season 3 so far, so you can see where the ep stacks comparitvley: 1. Quack Pack! 2. The Challenge of the Senior Junior Woodchucks! 3. The Lost Harp of Mirvana! 4. Double O Duck in You Only Crash Twice.  I”ll see you next week for DAISY AT LAST, the return of my boys the cablleros and some suprises and pies of all sizes ashurldy. Until then, courage. 

[carefreetrainerjules]

TIMELINE/STORY

- Age 10 -

10 years old was an important age for young trainers and that they could take the first step into choosing what they wanted to be. Many chose to be Pokemon Trainers, Coordinators, etc. while others chose to be Pokemon Breeders, Doctors, etc. Growing up in Hoenn, Juliet was a massive fan of Pokemon Contests and try to attend as many rounds as she could with what her parents would allow. Shining brightly on stage with Pokemon, she wanted nothing more than to stand on the same stage with her future Pokemon standing behind her as they brought smiles and laughs to the audience watching them.

She begged every day to her parents to let her pursue this path, but due to money problems and lack of faith from her parents, she never got to see this dream realized. To give her parents a little bit of credit, it’s not that they didn’t want her to pursue what she wanted, but in their eyes, being something other than a Doctor was financially unpredictable so it was a case of parents doing what was best for their kid.

- Age 11 -

Juliet spent a year deciding what she really wanted to do if being a Pokemon Coordinator was out of the question. She knew in her heart that she wanted to have a Pokemon team of her own, which is then she entertained the idea of being a Pokemon Trainer. Her parents wouldn’t have to spend money on costumes, and she’d have the freedom to explore her region to the fullest all on her own. It took a lot of convincing since her parents were over-protective, but seeing as how they couldn’t support her dream of being a Pokemon Coordinator, they thought it was only fair to let her try to be a Pokemon Trainer.

With new found support and confidence at finally being able to do what she wanted, she received her starter Pokemon who would go on to be her companion for life and best friend - a Mudkip who had been disowned by an abusive trainer, whom she named Hajime. Needless to say, he didn’t behave well, either ignoring commands or lashing out angrily when she would scold him lightly. But, she kept her cool and was patient with him. After all, they weren’t that different from each other. They both knew how it felt to have people not believe in them. So, they spent weeks bonding as a Trainer to Pokemon until slowly, Hajime was able to shake off his disobedience and follow commands. He eventually evolved into a Marshstomp and then a Swampert, and by the time they reached the Elite Four, Juliet developed a strong bond with her team that consisted of Swampert (Hajime), Flygon (TIki), and Pikachu (Odin). It was pretty unconventional to have a small party of Pokemon for the Elite Four, but she believed they were strong enough to overcome the odds and they trusted her in turn for believing in them. This was her way of proving to her parents that she was strong and that she could prevail if they just believed in her.

And they succeeded. After a close battle, she had become Champion of the Hoenn region, much to the delight of her family and friends. But above all else, she was the most proud of her Pokemon - they were the reason she was able to get this far. But the initial glamour of being a Champion didn’t last very long.

- Age 12 -

Her rise to Champion was mostly positively regarded, but it was hard to ignore the people who accused her of cheating or showing off because of how many Pokemon she used and how young she was on top of it to pull it off. She has always believed that it’s not how many Pokemon you have, it’s how you use them that matters, but that didn’t stop the naysayers from twisting her words in a way where it sounded like she was calling those who had a full team were weak or not smart. Her family, friends, and people who were her fans tried to remind her to not listen to what they had to say, but every challenger she beat who wanted to take her title made her feel defeated instead of accomplished. Keep in mind, she’s still a kid. Any kid on the cusp of puberty is already so vulnerable to comments that bring their self-esteem into question. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t take it anymore. Not only was she being doubted, but her Pokemon by extension were feeling it too and she didn’t want them to feel awful anymore because of her. She unsurprisingly lost and lost her title as Champion.

She thought she was finally free of being under the spotlight, but her loss still brought about comments saying they were glad there was a new Champion and how glad they were that she was ‘finally put into her place’.

Juliet spent weeks isolated in her room and she would refuse to come out even if her friends wanted to invite her to play or her relatives were visiting. Especially with family, she always dreaded questions of what her plans for her future were, or telling her to suck it up and move on. She didn’t know if her family would actually say those things, but in her wallowing of self-pity, that’s what her mind thought. The only company that she allowed was her Pokemon, because just like her, they were feeling depressed as well.

The only one who was able to bring her back to her normal self, was her aunt, who invited her to travel with her around the world. Her aunt was one of the few family members who supported her unconditionally and always looked out for her happiness. Travelling brought back her carefree spirit, but it wasn’t enough to dispel the doubt in her heart that showed itself every now and again.

- Age 15 -

Over the three years of travelling with her aunt, Juliet eventually started to travel on her own but not before at least repaying her aunt back by helping her around her inn in Lavaridge Town in Hoenn for a few months. She earned quite a bit and set off on a world-wide journey of self-discovery. During her travels with her aunt, she learned to be independent and self-sufficient, which made it easy for her to adapt to the wild life in between towns.

- Age 17 -

Juliet was joined by three more travel friends and companions who were from Kanto and Johto. During their travels, they participated in many tournaments at the Battle Frontier, Battle Subway, Battle Tree, etc. Her love for competitive battling came back, but not to a point where she thought about pursuing greater heights like becoming Champion again due to her anxiety over the outcome of what happened when she was younger. She had thought about becoming a Pokemon Coordinator like she wanted all those years ago now that she made a decent living through her winnings, but she wasn’t quite ready to be in the spotlight after all these years.

Her Pokemon team eventually filled out with Chandelure, Decidueye, and Sylveon, on top of her Pikachu evolving into an Alolan Raichu during her time in Alola.

- Age 19 -

Her friends traveled to the Galar region after hearing about the famous Wild Area, a huge untouched stretch of land in the middle of the region that flourished with different habitats and ecosystems of Pokemon, but riddled with these markers called Power Spots. They had a basic idea of what Dynamaxing was and that activated Power Spots housed wild, Dynamaxed Pokemon that trainers could challenge themselves against in an event called Max Raid Battles.

After completing a few, and seeing how there were countless of Power Spots still scattered all over the massive Wild Area, their mutual excitement over Max Raids gave them motivation to stay in Galar much longer than when they stayed in other regions. Juliet jokingly created a Pokegram account as a means to document their Raids, which unexpectedly blew up with supporters and followers all over the world. On one hand, it made her happy to see the sheer amount of support people had over their teamwork and synergy, but on the other hand it made her afraid that people from the past would catch up with what she was doing to ridicule her. Luckily, no such thing happened but there were a few trolls and the like who insulted their strategies or would personally insult one of them - but now that she was older and had close friends who had her back, it was easier to dismiss the negativity that came their way. They were just having fun and it made them even happier knowing they had fans who were having fun vicariously through their streams and recordings.

They eventually named their team, Prism.

- Age 20 -

Their booming popularity caught the attention of Professor Magnolia, who specializes in the Dynamax phenomenon with her grand-daughter Sonia. In order for her to strengthen her research into Dynamax and Gigantamax, Magnolia hires the group to be her field researchers, where they’re tasked with sending her specific Pokemon or Pokemon that are capable of Gigantamax. As a result of their new job, they settled down in neighbouring flats in Wyndon.

Since the Pokemon that appear in Power Spots are random, they don’t spend time in the Wild Area for days on end, which means they have days in between of free time. As a result, Juliet works part-time at the Battle Cafe as a Barista to fill in her days off and oversee the Cafe Master’s battles. Over her time at the Battle Cafe, she has lent an ear to the troubles and struggles of her customers to the point that regulars refer to her as the ‘Cafe Therapist’. She’s not too fond of the title considering she doesn’t have any formal training as a therapist, but she let’s it slide because she finds comfort in knowing that people trust and rely on her enough to talk to her about their bad days. She also saves her tips for any trainers and kids who can’t afford a drink or snack so she can treat them.

The culmination of self-doubt, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, etc. molded her into a trainer with a caring and generous heart who just wants everyone to know that there’s someone out there who is always looking out for them and wants them to be happy. Carrying other people’s burdens is her way of coping with her own insecurities. Even though she is happy to be in a place where she’s financially secure and is making a positive impact on people’s lives, it might take a bit more time until she can look at herself in the mirror and say, “I’m proud of how strong I’ve become”.

[rowxngreen]

18 years old from tucker, atlanta and has lived in atlanta for 18 years . currently working as a computer repair person/staff at his family’s store in marietta [ kit , 25 , mst ] | @atlanta-rpg​

tw: self harm, depression, sexual assault, substance use

Age: 18

Gender: Transmasculine, he/him

[Boxcar - Jawbreakers] - “Uhhh, shit, I guess if I had to pick a theme song it’d be Boxcar. I like the whole vibe of it, like, calling out punk purists. Punk should have no room for purism. If you say you’re a punk and you’re not a nazi, cause in the words of Dead Kennedys ‘nazi punks fuck off,’ you’re welcome. That’s what the whole point of punk was, dude. It’s the ultimate counter culture movement ‘cause it welcomes fucking everyone unlike mainstream culture.”

D.O.B: February 14, 2001

“Why the name Rowan?”

“So, like, originally I was named Hannah. Which is totally a bullshit name and when I met my forever family I decided to give myself a new name and I wanted it to be all nature-y because they all had nature names. They like helped me look and I found Rowan and read this folklore about how a rowan tree was where the devil hanged his mother and I knew right then. That was my name.”

Ethnicity: Half white, half mestizo

Enneagram: 8

Relationship Status: single - “Single and definitely not ready to mingle. If it happens it happens but I sure as hell ain’t seeking it out and I don’t think it’s gonna happen anyways so it don’t fucking matter.”

Sexual Orientation: Unsure  “Yeah, I don’t really wanna think about sexy shit. I was raped as a kid, I’m not especially into remembering it. And all this sexual orientation shit makes me remember it.”

Appearance:

Height: 5’0

Build: Smaller than he looks from far away. He’s actually really tiny. And he hates it.

If he wasn’t so intimidating he could be cute. With a small stature, high cheekbones, a cocky swagger and big brown eyes he is definitely attractive. But the scowl that takes over his features whenever he’s around someone he doesn’t trust and the aggression that seems to exude from every pore disguises that attractiveness pretty well.

Ripped flannels paired with crop tops and t-shirts layered with fishnets are among Rowan’s signature looks. There’s something decidedly sexual about how he dresses but he doesn’t seem to register that. He just wears what he likes and hopes will scare people. He displays his self harm scars like a badge of honor – or insanity. They seem to warn: I AM UNSTABLE, DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME.

Look at Rowan the wrong way and at the very least he’ll gnash his teeth at you. At the most he’ll pull a knife on you and threaten to gouge out your eyes if you ever look at him again. He claims he tried to once but that’s unlikely. He would be in jail if that was the case. …right? Better not to risk it.

History:

Rowan was born to a teenage mother in an abusive household.

When Melissa Webber got pregnant at only age 15 she knew she would be in trouble. Her father, Frank, wouldn’t approve. Melissa kept it from the man as long as she could. Eventually, of course, he found out. Frank was livid. Melissa was banned from leaving their little trailer, she was banned from seeing her friends, and she was even banned from seeing her boyfriend of just over a year and the father of her baby.  She was to be homeschooled for the rest of her high school career so, in the words of Frank, she could no longer “be a slut.”

Her baby was born on Valentine’s Day in a house with no love left. Melissa’s mother had died when Melissa was only 11, and it often felt like she took any warmth and care that had been lingering in the corners of rooms, hidden among the shadows with her. How funny then that Rowan, initially named Hannah Jane, was born on Valentine’s day.

Frank’s anger and the isolation he forced on Melissa eventually pushed the girl to run away. Rowan was only 6 months old. She initially swore she would be back for her baby when she had a safe place to stay. She never came back. Before Melissa left, Rowan had been largely ignored by Frank. Now, however, he became the scapegoat. Melissa hadn’t left because she was isolated from the world. Nor, apparently, had she left because of the intense abuse she faced. Instead, according to Frank, she had left because the baby had ruined her life.

Frank turned this rage on the baby. Rowan’s earliest memories involve him being tied onto a tiny children’s chair for hours because Frank didn’t want him to make a mess in the house; Frank coming into the bedroom at night to ‘visit’ with him in a way that, to this day, has left Rowan extremely anxious about sex and sex repulsed; Frank holding his hand against a hot burner to 'teach [him] a lesson’ (Rowan was never told what the lesson was); having his face pushed under water in the bath to stop him from crying; and other acts that could only be described as torture. Rowan lead an extremely isolated life for the first several years of his life. He was homeschooled, like his mother, and besides Frank and a handful of Frank’s friends he was largely alone. Most of his socialization came from the television. Frank justified this by saying school was how Melissa got pregnant so he wouldn’t “make the mistake of sending another one there to be a slut.” Instead rowan was kept inside the house during school hours.

It had been noted that Frank was capable of abuse and neglect when Melissa was little (she had spent several months in the system when she’d come to school with visible bruises as a child), however, for the first 7.5 years of Rowan’s life, overworked and under-competent social workers consistently overlooked the abuse in the Webber household. Eventually one of the social workers noticed and cared enough to go through the proper procedures to get Rowan out of that living situation. She reported it to her supervisor and a full scale investigation was launched. The abuse was soon discovered through talking to and examining Rowan and Rowan was removed from the situation. For the first time in his life, he was safe – though Rowan did not know what ‘safe’ meant or felt like yet.

Rowan was given a temporary placement in the Green household, because, at the time, the Greens were acting as an emergency house for children who had just been taken away from their parents. He was only supposed to be with them a week but the Green adults fell in love with the skittish, self reliant child they had taken in. They asked for him to stay with them and began the process of adopting him soon after.  It took a long time for Rowan to realize he was safe and he was loved. For months he put up with people touching him because he was afraid that if he spoke out he would face some sort of punishment. For months he distrusted everyone in the Green household despite how much they loved him. He was always wary, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to be hurt again. He was placed into therapy when he was young and has gone off and on since.

The Greens are a stereotypical homeschool family. Rowan was kid number 11, they own their own business and they bake their own bread. Mr. Green is a carpenter and Mrs. Green runs the little gift shop + bakery in Marietta. There were so many siblings that the older ones had to help care for the little ones when the younger ones were little. To this day the entire family is very close knit and the older siblings constantly rely on the younger ones to watch their children.

The Greens practice a form of schooling called unschooling. It is a child-led education where children get to decide what they study and when. Additionally, they’re what’s called whole-life unschoolers and the green parents take a stance on parenting where they don’t give their children orders. They talk to them and treat them as if they are capable of making their own choices and decisions, except when it is something that puts their health at risk.

Rowan thrives with that educational setting. He learned to read so he could use his brother’s computer, he learned math while cooking and found it fascinating so he learned it more in depth, he learned how to build robots and how to break into the coding of popular websites well enough that he even figured out how to monetize it when he was 12 (he tests websites for weaknesses and when he finds them he points it out and gets paid to do so). He learned how to play keyboard and guitar and began recording and publishing his music on Soundcloud and Youtube.

Within a few months of living with his new family, his new dad built him a beautiful, fully enclosed, treehouse in the large tree in their backyard. Rowan loved it so much he lived in it for almost a year only coming in to use the bathroom or on the most sweltering days when his family insisted he stay cool inside. He took his baths in the kiddie pool since he lived “outside in [his] own house now.”

Around this time he got a pirate costume and a knight costume. He changed his name to Rowan and began to trade off between wearing those two costumes. When he was in the knight costume he insisted on being called Brave Sir Rowan. When he was a pirate he insisted he was Cap’n Ro.

For a period of Rowan’s life you wouldn’t know he went through the abuse he went through. He seemed happy, healthy, well adjusted.

And then puberty hit.

With puberty came deep gender dysphoria. Suddenly his body was changing in ways he hated. He was developing curves and stopped growing. All the mental illness his family thought they had under control resurfaced along with a large new helping of self-loathing triggered by dysphoria.

Rowan began to self harm. It started small. He would lie in bed and fantasize about cutting off the parts of him that didn’t look right when he saw himself in the mirror. One night, he crawled out of bed and grabbed a kitchen knife and tried cutting his breasts just to see if it was possible. The scratch was so small it didn’t bleed. But, relief flooded through him. He was able to breathe and the crushing weight of dread had let up just a bit. He stopped crying and crawled back into bed and slept well for the first time in weeks.

Whenever he was upset he began to run to the sharp sting of a blade. He stole a pocket knife and a pack of razors and hid them in his treehouse. His family discovered the harm almost a year after he started. By then the little scratches had turned into proper injuries. He was immediately sent back to therapy and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria soon after. 

Rowan socially transitioned. It helped a little bit but pandora’s box was open. His brain had tasted self destruction and it was hooked.

The last several years have been a slow but steady spiral downwards. He made friends with other sad, breaking kids and they broke together. They began to experiment with alcohol and substance use young, Rowan would swear he’s fine but whenever you put alcohol in his hands he binge drinks to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible. Whenever there’s a chance for him to get high off something new he takes it, barring only the most stigmatized of drugs.

Somewhere during this spiral he realized the easiest way to make people leave him alone was to scare them. So he began dressing in ways he thought would scare them and carrying himself like at any moment he could snap.

Personality:

“Sometimes I wonder what his life could have been if he had come to us as a baby and if we had known about his gender. You should have seen him when he was little. He was such a cute kid and was so passionate about, well, everything. And he’s so smart it’s intimidating. But then he hit puberty and we all lost what little stability he had. Last time I talked to mom, I heard he set a trashcan in the park on fire while he was drunk or high or both and it breaks my heart because I know he’s a good kid underneath it all. He’s just a good kid who’s really struggling right now. I hate it because I can’t even trust him to be alone with my kids anymore. What if that comes out around them and he hurts my crew?” – Clay Green, older brother.

“Rowan likes to act like he’s tough shit but he’s not. He can’t sleep unless he has his favorite stuffed animal with him and once I saw him crying over the sounds sloths make. The tough guy act is just that. An act. I mean, look at his cat. He only has the thing because he saw it was scared and got gentle with it. And now he’s the only person that cat tolerates and he has it perched in his tree house half the time so you can’t even go up there if you’re not him. Which, like, not cool when your little brother is practically sprinting to a drug addicted future and you really should be making sure he doesn’t have the worst of it in your parents house.” – Rosemary Green, older sister.

At first interaction it’s easy to think Rowan is all rough and ready to fight. And that’s exactly what he wants you to think. His fighter persona is designed to scare anyone who would hurt him away. Give him some time and a little patience and it becomes obvious that Rowan is much more complex than that. Rowan is confusing. There are so many elements to him that it’s hard for any one person to get a full picture of him.

There’s his brash fighter side – the part of him that stabbed a child for being mean to his sister once. There’s the sweet side of him that takes lost animals and lost people under his wing and cares for them when they can’t seem to care for themselves.

There’s the engineer part of him that builds useless robots constantly just because he’s bored. There’s the witch part of him that has an altar in his bedroom and that celebrates every pagan holiday he knows about so none of the gods feel left out.

There’s still a childlike part of him that hangs out in the tree fort his dad made him as a kid and still holds conversations between his stuffed animals. There’s the teenage part of him that’s looking for any substance to numb the pain of becoming an adult coupled with the pain of his past.

There’s the creative part of him that comes up with bizarre ideas for robots, off the wall pranks (like leaving loaves of homemade bread all over someone’s living space) and interprets almost every song he likes into his own version. And then there’s the part of him that named his cat “Cat.”

Rowan is nothing if not complicated and confusing. He doesn’t mind that though. He’s used to being the smartest person in any room he’s in but he doesn’t make it a big deal. He just watches everyone else and works on mentally figuring out how to fix the coding of whatever website he’s working on at the moment.

He doesn’t love easily but when he loves he loves deeply and unconditionally. If you find yourself lucky enough to be one of Rowan’s chosen few know you will have him on your side for life. He’s ride or die with everyone he cares about.

Hobbies:

Robotics

Singing (he actually has a really good voice)

Collecting stuffed animals

Programming

Baking (he works at a bakery but he also just enjoys it)

Sloths. They’re his favorite thing in this world and he is almost obsessive in his quest to see sloths, collect sloth mementos, and learn sloth facts.

Trivia:

Rowan has a car named Bloody Mary. It’s an old fashioned VW Beetle he spray painted black and red. He got a beetle because he “wanted to inspire violence in children.”

He’s really good with anything that uses his hands. Baking, playing guitar, building robots, etc. If it’s a hands-on, kinesthetic task Rowan excels at it.

He is terrified of butterflies and giraffes.

He collects stuffed animals so intensely that it can be hard to walk in his bedroom because there are so many stuffed animals lying around. He sleeps with a build-a-bear every night who he’s named Floyd and a stuffed animal of the Peanuts character Woodstock (who he has named Oscar).

Health:

Rowan downplays how he’s feeling most of the time. The physical abuse and neglect he faced as a child left him with chronic pain. He doesn’t mention it very often. He doesn’t want to admit to any weaknesses. If you watch him closely enough you’ll notice him rubbing his joints or squirming in his seat. Those are his biggest tells with his pain.

At 7 he was diagnosed with dyslexia and he still struggles to read and code (coding is worth the struggle, reading is not). At 13 he was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Besides changing his pronouns he doesn’t seem too interested in transitioning (he’ll tell you he doesn’t see a point but in reality he’s afraid of the medical procedures involved). At 15 he was diagnosed with mood disorder not otherwise specified. He was given medication that he promptly threw out but he still attends weekly therapy sessions to try and help.

He doesn’t think it’s doing anything but sometimes it’s just easier to go along with the things expected of you.

Connections:

Bandmates: Rowan can either be the lead singer, guitar or bass/keyboards but the band should definitely be punk/post-punk influenced. I’m super broad within that. Want a sound closer to Pale Waves? Cool, sounds good. You into The Smiths and want that dance depression? kk, you got it. you into old school punk and want melvins vibe? coolcoolcool, love to live hard dude

Friends: Rowan might be a little shit but he’s a little shit who has a handful of friends. Because he’s the youngest sibling in his household, he gets along with older people really well.

Mentors: This lost teen needs people to look up to. It takes a lot to break through to him but he needs someone who’ll try.

Adversaries: These are people who rowan Does Not get along with. This can be for personality reasons or just simply because they try to keep him out of trouble and he wants very much to be in trouble.

Biological Dad: I love the idea of Rowan’s dad watching from the sidelines and watching Rowan grow up but not being able to legally reach out until Rowan is an adult. NOTE: Rowan’s dad needs to be hispanic. Rowan himself is half hispanic and it’s not on his mom’s side bc I wasn’t about to make the brown people abusive and add to that stigma.

Reluctant Romance: Rowan doesn’t want to date. He really doesn’t. BUT! I love the idea of him falling for someone and someone falling for him. I’m even down for an uncomfortable age difference so long as that’s acknowledged in plot. ;)

[pisati]

I skipped some of the ones I didn’t have a reply to;

I was anxious, but they knew they helped me. I was fine when I had company. I could go for walks, or just sit and watch while they played games I couldn’t keep up with. I was the relaxed fun one that could host games of Cards Against Humanity and Clusterfuck; the cool girl, who didn’t really want to drink but it was okay because I was underage anyway. I was cute, I was smart. they were drawn to me in a different way than I was drawn to them, but somehow we ended up close.

in what way were they drawn to you and vice versa? are you talking about the 2 guys or your friends in general?

those two were the ones I was closest to, so mostly I’m referring to them. I couldn’t say how they were drawn to me; I guess they thought I was cute at first. I was rooming with one of their friends at the time and I was involved with orchestra, which... I think they were all music majors at the time too. so I saw at least one of them in rehearsal 4 times a week. wasn’t too long before we were all hanging out and I kind of got absorbed into the friend group. 

I was drawn to them for different reasons. they were nice to me. offered to hang out. A knew my anxiety was bad and offered to hang out when my roommate was at work, because being alone made it so much worse. he’d come over and we’d watch a movie, or I’d go to his apartment and we’d do our separate homework together, watch something, listen to music. it was so nice. those times were what I missed most. I had a big ol crush on him at the time, but just getting to spend the time with him as a friend was so, so nice.

T also offered to hang out when my anxiety was bad. he told me he wouldn’t mind going on walks if I needed it; later he remembered his offer and asked for my number. one night he’d come to hang out with a bunch of other friends; I was hosting a Cards game night. he got a little drunk; I knew what he was after. my roommate warned me he was a charmer. but that night we stayed up all night just talking. we both had insomnia. we talked about everything, and we both had such a calming effect on each other. I couldn’t have panicked around him if I wanted to. he knew he only meant to hook up, but he told me later he was caught by surprise with the feelings. I’m not his usual type, apparently, ha. I thought he was funny. sweet. naturally charismatic. the kind of person people are naturally drawn to. I still have a ton of respect for him. his wife is a lucky lady.

they knew I had my issues, but maybe they thought it was just, I don’t know, Depression Lite™, compared to the anxiety. but even that wasn’t too bad when they were around. I had my moments, but I thought they knew we could always talk through it.

so things were “okay” before you left? you had depression, anxiety but it was manageable, especially with social support

things were okay before I left. not great, mental-health-wise, but when I had friends around and felt like I was cared for, I could deal. I had friends, I had the best grades I’d ever gotten in school, and T absolutely would have dated me if I stayed. I felt about as good as I could feel, with the anxiety. 

then it hit hard. I left. I spiraled. I’d go up to visit, but it would sometimes hit me that soon I’d have to go home and be alone again and I couldn’t help feeling the worst existential dread.

do you feel like you’re somehow defined by your friends? talking about existential dread, i wonder if you have “who am i” moments when you’re not with your friends. does their perception of you as “the cool girl” give you a sense of identity (as “the cool girl”) which goes away when you’re not around them?

I think before, my feelings felt a little defined by them. I still say I feel most myself when I have good friends around. I’ve had a lot of existential moments alone. but I don’t think I ever put on a face for them, or changed anything fundamental about myself. I’ve always tried to be myself. if they didn’t like me as I was, they wouldn’t have been my friends. hence why I don’t really have friends here. and that’s fine. I don’t need anyone to like me. that validation is nice, but I know I’m not a terrible person. it’s just... where I am. I do think I pushed myself in some ways, doing certain things or telling myself I felt certain ways, which was a mistake, but I never did anything I wasn’t okay with.

I felt like shit when I was alone, but I never lost my sense of self. I was the same person after I transferred schools. I just didn’t want to feel shitty again. I didn’t want them to move on and leave me behind. that was the first time I ever really felt comfortable with people, with having friends. I didn’t want to lose it and be stuck here with nothing again, like I was before. the loneliness brought out the worst of the depression monster, and everything that comes with it. I’m sure you know what I mean. it wasn’t that I tied so much of my identity to my friends, it was that I finally had something good, and I felt really awful when I didn’t have it. maybe something like cocaine, ha.

I felt hollow, I felt sick. I’d numb out, I’d cry. they hurt me, too, really bad. in different ways. they just didn’t get it. what happened to the Cool Girl? why couldn’t I accept that none of it meant anything and move on? they still wanted to be my friends, why wasn’t that good enough? why was I so upset?

you seem conflicted about feeling things. why shouldn’t you be upset? if they hurt you as bad as you say, why wouldn’t you be upset?

I asked myself that a lot. I felt my pain was justified. but they acted like it wasn’t. A especially got upset with me because I knew he didn’t have feelings but I was “acting like he was cheating on me” when we weren’t anything to begin with. after a few years, the way we were together? he could have just called me his girlfriend and wouldn’t have had to do anything different. we were so close, of course people naturally assumed. our parents did. our friends did. but he acted like it was a personal offense that anyone should think so. we had a very complicated relationship, and I was confused and hurt. but I learned a few months ago that he probably has BPD and a whole mess of other things going on, so... that could explain a lot about how he’d pull me in and push me away. I’m learning to forgive him for how he treated me. he didn’t even know how bad it was. but it definitely hurt. he knows that. T I think was rightfully annoyed with me. we were upfront with each other, we had an end date. that was it. he was allowed to date other people. I got upset because he had only just told me he wasn’t in a good place for a relationship where he was in his life, and suddenly he had a girlfriend. suddenly he was telling A he just “put up with me”. I thought he had feelings, because he said so, but who even knew anymore. I was very cold with him, though he tried to be friendly. I hated the idea that maybe he didn’t actually do anything wrong. I just needed time to get over it. and I did. we’re still cool. even though that did hurt. 

they didn’t get why leaving hurt. why being alone hurt. why feeling used hurt.

what do you think this says about the type of people they are?

they’d never been alone before. they’d never had to leave everyone they cared about. they always had good friends around; even if they pretended people didn’t care and isolated themselves, they knew they were doing it to themselves. they knew I was sensitive. but I think they tried to be careful around me because they thought being too blunt or something would just hurt me more. I wouldn’t have known what to do with me either, I’ll be honest. but, you’re right, it does really sound like they didn’t actually give a shit.

my first semester after I transferred, I thought people were forgetting about me. I remember talking to A on messenger one day; seeing “seen at ___” and no response. curling up in bed, starting to shake. cry. please. please. please. just. don’t leave.

are you quick to jump to the conclusion you’re being ignored/forgotten? there are often other reasons for being left on read

I am, and I don’t know why. my friends sometimes need to reassure me they’re not going anywhere. I don’t even know how many have actually left. I know there are plenty of reasons people leave you on read; I’m much better about it now. that specific instance was from when I was still coming out of my horrific anxiety; I had just started at my new school and everything was still new and scary. I didn’t think he’d just up and stopped talking to me forever in that moment, but I think I kind of “what-if”-ed the future a little bit; envisioned a scenario where he just didn’t talk to me anymore. and it terrified me.

I do know better now, though, I promise, lol. a few people that don’t matter have just up and stopped talking to me, but, ya know? they don’t matter.

I’d count down til I could visit next. that was what kept me going. just knowing that in three months, I could have a few precious days to feel like a person again. use my voice again. but I’d always have to come back.

i think the core of the issue is hinted at here. “to feel like a person again” tells me a story of a girl who has attached her sense of identity to unstable, external sources outside of herself rather than stable, internal sources inside yourself that you can nurture and depend on

not my sense of identity so much as my feelings. when I was around friends, I had people to talk to. I could get out of my head. the whirlwind of thoughts and anxieties and what-ifs and everything quieted down. it was always worse in my head. it still is. when I visited and I looked ahead at having to leave, having to throw myself into this rut again... I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to come back. I craved the comfort. the feeling of normalcy. nothing was as fun alone. I couldn’t watch TV shows for at least a year after I transferred, because it reminded me of being with friends and it just wasn’t as fun alone. I had to fight with myself to quit being miserable and just... learn to be okay alone. watch the TV shows. go to the store and buy groceries. keep busy without unraveling completely because company just wasn’t possible right now. would I rather continue to be miserable, or accept the situation? I think I chose right. 

I felt stupid. maybe I was just overreacting. I stopped letting them know how I felt. visits weren’t the time or place to get sad. nobody wants you around when you’re sad. nobody knows how to deal with you. they don’t get it. they won’t get it. they’ll just complain about you. don’t give them anything to complain about. maybe they’ll want you around then.

this section is so conflicted. these people don’t understand you, complain about you, etc, yet you want them to want you around. it sounds like a big price to pay…but what is it you’re paying for exactly? that sense of identity? validation?

maybe validation. you need to understand, these were the first and only good friends I really had in my life. I have never known a healthy relationship. my parents didn’t have one, my mom’s parents didn’t have one, my parents didn’t really have or keep friends, none of my friends growing up were ever good for me (I have hella stories about my best friend here, but that’s for another time. or maybe not at all)... not to mention I moved schools in both elementary and middle. I didn’t even have anyone stable in my life, let alone anyone positive and healthy. I met a group of people in college that were fun to be around, who didn’t pressure me, who liked things I liked, who assured me they liked having me around even if I didn’t drink or smoke like they did... I would have done anything for them. a few people I still miss to bits. I almost moved to Pittsburgh this summer and I’m actually sad I ended up not going, because the friend I planned on rooming with is an actual angel. literally one of the sweetest people I have ever met. it just so happened that two of the people in this friend group put the moves on me, and I became much closer to one of them than anyone else. I don’t know why they said what they said. I’ve heard them complain about other people in the group as well. I think we all have our frustrations with each other on occasion. I like to think they talk it out; they do seem like the kind of people that are able to do that. I know when we air grievances on festivus we’re all upfront with each other. though I do wish it happened more. I guess I wouldn’t know if it did, I’m just not around. nobody’s taken any issue with me in the last two years, and the year before that I’m pretty sure I heard a few times “you need to come out of your shell more” “we care about you and you’re hard on yourself; stop it”. so. I don’t know how often anymore anyone talks behind my back. I haven’t given them reason to. but it really gutted me when it did happen. it is hard, though, because I do still feel like I have to be on top of my shit when I go visit. it’s not changing myself for them; it’s just... putting the feelings in a little box and dealing with them later. if at all. 

just. box it up. it doesn’t matter anyway. sometimes it makes you sick to your core. but if you take a few deep breaths and make yourself stop crying, it goes away. it all stops eventually, if you make it.

this isn’t healthy. suppressing emotions like this might work in the short term but in the long term it becomes highly destabilizing as you become more and more emotionally numb and fractured

ya I know but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don’t know if I just told myself I was cared about, or if I am. they say I am. I’m still invited to friend group things. they seemed happy I could get an early pass for farm jam this year. T told me at festivus during grievances (which nobody had many of at all) that he’s really glad that despite everything I still made it up for new years and festivus; A nodded sharply in agreement.

let’s not wait around for signs like this that we matter. let’s not wait like patient dogs for scraps from the dinner table. let’s envision our importance irrespective of how others see us, okay?

maybe not so much that I matter; I know I do. but maybe like... signs that I didn’t fuck up so bad that they don’t want to deal with me anymore. it would suck if that happened one of these days, but I could deal now, I think.

T hasn’t talked to me hardly at all this year, though he said he knows he’s bad at reaching out. I thought he was just sick of me.

does it matter if he’s sick of you? i’m sick of a ton of people, aren’t you? does it matter? does this define you?

no. it doesn’t matter. but it would suck if he had a problem with something I did, never brought it up to me, and then cut me out of his life. I respect him a hell of a lot, and I like to think he respects me as well. at least enough to tell me when I fuck up.

after his wedding, after I told him that was my last straw with A. is it because I’d just shoved everything down? because I’ve stayed out of sight? do they like me better when I pretend I’m fine? I don’t think I’m pretending. I make things be fine.

things don’t seem fine to me

as fine as they have to be. at least they were, til you made me think about it. gross.

I don’t know what to think. what to trust. I don’t know how they see me. saw me. it felt like it would change based on my moods.

you’re caught in an unstable feedback loop here. if your mood is unstable then their reaction to you will in turn appear unstable. if you’re happy then they seem to like you, if you’re sad then they seem apathetic. if your mood depends on how they react to you, then your mood will worsen. and so on, down the rabbit hole

right. but I also can’t be on 100% of the time. I’m not a sunshiney, peppy person. just not who I am. they used to get cold with me when I’d get upset, sometimes. I do remember a few times when we tried to talk it out. A especially. he’s seen a lot more of my moods. once sitting on his bed crying. he talked me through it. once after I learned T had a girlfriend; he knew, but he didn’t want to be the one to tell me. I came back to his apartment after talking to T with tears in my eyes, and he acted like he didn’t know; he knew. but he sat down with me and held me and told me some things I still remember even now. there were times when he was the voice of reason I needed; there were times when we did try to be healthy about it. but it does stand out the few times I was upset and there was nothing anyone could do about the situation. they didn’t know what to do. so they just... didn’t do anything.

I can’t beat myself up over little things, but what do I do when it feels like little things get me put in the doghouse?

the language here, to me, indicates how you see yourself - almost as a pet. you’re not a dog and there is no doghouse. if they try to treat you as you are and send you away like a scalded puppy then it’s time for a new friend group

I think this is more how I feel than how they treat me. I do sometimes exaggerate things in my head. it’s hard to know what people think when we don’t talk about it, but I also don’t want to be constantly asking my friends if they hate me because of one misstep. that’s not cool either. I try not to let it show how much these things worry me, because it seems neurotic. it feels neurotic. I don’t want to have to worry. I know with good friends it should never feel like a question that needs to be asked. 

when they won’t talk to me about what I seem to have done wrong in their eyes? I’m more than willing to talk through it; I’ve never been unreasonable.

you’re unreasonable to yourself all the time. you treat others better than you treat yourself

maybe unreasonable to myself, but not unable to reason. I feel like you’ve seen that by now. maybe it takes a while for me to internalize reason, but I’m not so stubborn that I refuse to try looking at things another way. I do want to learn to be kinder to myself. to trust that people do like me and care about me and want me around. 

I’m not crazy. I just feel things really deeply. but I sure as hell feel crazy when I think I have a place and feel cared about, and find out they talk behind my back. how do they see me?

you’re not crazy, you’re human. there is a laser-like focus on how others see you. your happiness, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth are 100% put in the hands of others. all of your eggs are in one basket, and when that basket develops a hole, you’re screwed

I don’t think I care as much how they see me anymore. I do care a little, but I’ve been hurt enough. if they think I’m terrible and don’t want me around anymore, okay. that’s just, like, their opinion, man. I’ll fuck off. I know how to be okay by myself now. but you can’t tell me it’s not jarring to feel secure with your friends, and then learn what they’ve said about you when you’re not there to hear it. it hurts. I have to wonder if that’s how they really see me, why they won’t just tell me. if I’m doing something that bothers them, why they’d rather complain to each other about it than bring it up to me. I wonder what it is I’ve done that’s made them so uncomfortable with speaking candidly with me. 

I took what I could get. I made mistakes. just to get it over with. just to know what all the fuss was about. I had a crush on A, I thought he did too. I was over the moon with the possibility. possibility. that was when I got slapped in the face with hookup culture. I didn’t realize people actually did that without feeling anything. I didn’t.

hookup culture isn’t for those of us with sensitive hearts. a lot of people just wanna get off. with whoever, wherever. they can just have sex with whoever and walk away whenever they want. it’s purely physical. sometimes they allow for this because they’re emotionally invested in someone else. so they’ll have a girlfriend but then use a girl on the side for physical stuff. it’s exciting for them but it’s nothing more than cheap sex and adrenaline. others turn to this because they can’t develop a relationship beyond the purely physical because they’re emotionally damaged

for some of us it’s more an emotional experience. we bond and develop strong feelings for whoever we hook up with. if we’re careful, we develop a friendship first which may blossom into a sexual relationship. for me, that’s the preferred course of events. it feels natural, feels good. friendship comes first (pardon the pun)

ha. yeah, I’m definitely in that camp with you. that was how it went; that’s how I prefer it goes anyway. 

then T swooped in. scooped me right up with that charm, and I told myself I didn’t care. what was another one, at this point? just fuck me up.

so now that you do feel fucked up, do you regret thinking that way? will you treat yourself better in future, knowing that this is the outcome?

well, this one didn’t actually mess me up as bad. at the time, I was expecting it to be another hookup. I’d already been hurt by a few people at that point (a few I’ve never mentioned; they weren’t important), and after the first debacle with A, I figured, well, fuck it. whatever. this one ended up being the most healthy. not saying it really was healthy, but it was more clear-cut than anything else. he had feelings, I knew it, I had feelings, he knew it. if I hadn’t been leaving in a month and a half, we wouldn’t have had any hangups.

the ones that did mess me up, though... I don’t know that I regret thinking that way. I regret the circumstances that caused me to think that way. just, one after the other, feeling like I wasn’t good enough no matter what I did. I stopped caring what happened to me. looking back I wish I hadn’t done any of it. I would have been a lot better off emotionally. I used to be able to feel things! I used to be the biggest sap. I would have been the best girlfriend to any one of em, if they’d deserved me. but I didn’t know up from down as far as healthy relationships go, so live and learn I guess.

at least we were clear with each other. I’ve only been cool with his now-wife because he never let me think he didn’t respect me or my feelings. sure, it hurt, but it was easier to deal with.

you spend a lot of time dealing with being hurt instead of getting yourself out of hurtful situations. why do you stay in them?

it always hurts to watch someone move on. but the other situations? I don’t know. I guess I figured it was better than being alone. I know now that that’s not true, but you couldn’t have told that to cripplingly-anxious 19-year-old me. I finally had friends and a boy that was interested in me?? hell if I’m letting that go. 

I like to think I know better now.

A took his opportunity once he knew that was over. I thought maybe he changed his mind; he hadn’t. I asked why. shrugs. “you’re hot”. I heard it echoed years later. it’s hard to know what means anything and what doesn’t. it felt the same to me. or maybe none of it meant anything. I’ve mistaken a lot for love.

love is unmistakable. it has nothing at all to do with sex or anything physical. it is a pure, clean, incorruptible feeling. your heart swells and you feel an unconditional affection and an undying desire to protect a certain individual. you want to see them happy, you want to support them no matter what. they feel like home. they make the ice around your heart melt and they make you believe in the beauty of humanity. if you’re on the receiving end of this emotion you’ll know all about it. it’s so much more than “you’re hot, let’s fuck”

the way you describe it, I think that’s how I felt. I don’t think I ever had it reciprocated. I always wondered. if you have to ask...

it wasn’t just that he thought I was hot. I was one of his best friends too, like he was mine. he told me once, he thought I was great. funny, smart, witty; all these other adjectives he threw at me. the year after the Big New Years Fiasco of 2014-15, he held my hand as I drove us home and told me I was wonderful and I didn’t deserve what he did to me the year before. but he just didn’t feel this ~spark~ with me that he felt with other girls he wanted to date. sounded like a bunch of bullshit to me, but whatever. to him, that’s “just a thing that friends do sometimes”. I don’t want to know what other “just friends” he has. it very well could be that it was just me for a long time. or maybe the others were just hookups and I was the only one stupid enough to stick around. 

also from 2015: “the thought of anyone touching me repulses me. if anyone showed me any kind of affection I’d probably start bawling. not in the “oh god finally” way, but in the “oh god you’re going to leave or you’re going to hurt me please don’t start this” way”

people can’t hurt you. you can only hurt yourself by placing so much importance in the hands of people who don’t deserve to have that kind of faith placed in them

that’s an interesting perspective. I want to agree, but I’ll have to sit on it a little more.

maybe I thought they deserved it. my perspective at the time was very, very limited, remember.

sometimes it makes me feel sick. the second I realize someone’s interested in me, now. I’ll show them the worst of me. I’ll try to run them off. I’ll try to convince them I’m not worth their time or effort. clearly I’ve never been. why not put up a warning sign, spare you the energy? it’s hard to know at this point if it’s out of kindness to others or to myself.

it’s kindness to neither. you’ve painted a picture in which they leave you and you mistake it for reality. the anxiety of having faith in them drives you crazy. you have no control over the situation. you soothe that anxiety by taking control back: you’ll try to make them leave. better to have the certainty of killing it yourself than the anxiety of letting it live

yeah, I do have issues with lacking control. that’s actually where a lot of my fears come from, believe it or not. my emetophobia? I can’t control if I’m gonna throw up or not. if I’m sick, it’s gonna happen. and Boy Howdy do I not like that. I think a lot of my traveling anxiety has roots in control and a deep-seated fear of new things. it’s interesting though, I don’t know if I’ve ever thought about this from a control perspective. maybe I have and I forgot. but I really would rather have the upper hand than let myself get hurt like that again. but, back to the previous reply.

do I think I’m sparing myself? why would I still have this vague hope if I really didn’t want it? I think I do want it, but my instinct is to push. just, go away, leave me alone. I’m afraid I’m going to be alone forever, let this self-fulfilling prophecy work itself out.

you’ve placed so much importance on falling in love and being with someone. a relationship is something that’s nice to have. it’s warm, it’s tender. it’s something that most people want. at the moment, i think you see it as something you need. something you absolutely need otherwise you’re not worth very much. that’s no the foundation for a relationship. a stable relationship comes from a mutual desire to be together. not a need, never a need

maybe I did feel like that at one point. I did feel the most content I’ve ever felt when I had T around. it wasn’t head-over-heels, it wasn’t infatuation, it wasn’t any fireworks show. it was just... calm. content. wanting to be right where I was. I miss that feeling a hell of a lot. 

but I don’t feel like I need it right now. maybe a bit of my self-worth was placed in it a few years ago, but I’m doing alright now. I’ve done pretty alright without it. I know I feel a lot better with that contentment, but whatever. it’s not a huge deal. I told you I’ve never dated anyone; that hasn’t changed. I never dated whoever just to be in a relationship. I hardly even talked to anyone like that since I left my old school. I had a hope that maybe I’d happen upon it again, but I wasn’t actively seeking it out. I didn’t let feeling lonely distract me or bring me down [too much]. I focused on school and my career. I don’t regret that. but I’m sure I could have felt better while I went about it. 

I wonder why I flip around so much with how I feel. why I worry that one little misstep will send people packing. why I’m not reassured by kindness. am I actually numb? it’s exhausting, trying to think about it. I don’t want what I had before, I want what I felt before. but I get scared. I feel needles shooting down my spine. how is it so easy for other people? why don’t I trust?

you know why. because you’ve been in emotionally damaging relationships with people who used you

I mean, yeah. but why should that make me so confused? it’s pretty cut and dry, looking back. maybe I’m asking myself why because I was made to feel like this wasn’t a big deal. I shouldn’t have been so hurt. but... I was. so. I don’t know, I don’t have the best gauge on how bad it messed me up. I’m guessing it was Pretty Bad. 

someone could want me around, talk with me about anything and everything, look into my eyes and kiss me so gently, rub my back and kiss the back of my neck just once, hold me close all night… and it’s hollow. empty. how in the fuck do you know? how do you make it not feel meaningless? a friend’s band’s percussionist slowly put his hands on my hips during a set at farm jam, pulled me close.

stop falling for this shit. we men will put our hands on any girl who seems remotely willing. when we’re done, we discard you. please understand that if you want to find meaning, you have to start extremely slowly. you start with friendship, not with hands on hips. as the weeks and months pass in your friendship then it will grow and flourish very naturally and of its own accord. that’s where meaning comes from

oh, I know. believe me. I didn’t think that it would be anything. I’m almost 100% sure now that that was self-harm. I don’t know what I expected to gain from it. probably nothing. just wanted to be dumb for a minute. do something real stupid. who cares. another one of those “fuck it, what’s another one?” deals. 

how can you be both repulsed and intrigued? I went back to his camp with him; I wanted to push myself. I wanted to. but I knew it was nothing. why wasn’t I afraid? it made me feel sick; why did I want to? do I see it as hurting myself? I certainly don’t think it’ll help.

because you liked the attention. everyone likes attention. i feel you had to override your gut instinct here - you literally felt sick. that tells you all you need to know

yeah, that.

I’m scared and confused. I think I know it’s simpler when it’s clear. I’m afraid of feeling more than them, of them feeling more than me.

i don’t think it’s a competition. who cares if they feel more or less than you? feel what you feel and let the chips fall where they may

I don’t mean it as a competition. I just mean, like... if it’s imbalanced, in my experience, someone gets hurt. I feel like I’ve only ever had more feelings, and they went and hurt me. I fear that I’d do the same with the tables turned. but that could just be a fear that stems from my never having any healthy relationships. I don’t know how these things work. 

maybe my big issue is trust. I want to feel wanted, liked, blah blah. but I won’t let anyone tell me they feel that way. I don’t trust it’ll last.

okay, so don’t trust it will last. that’s fine. if you’re right, then no harm - you knew it was coming anyway. if you’re wrong, sweet! you trust the person! it’s win/win. the right person will actively earn your trust, month by month, year by year, decade by decade

and if I don’t trust them? wouldn’t you get sick of someone not trusting that you want to try for them? even if you tell them, they still don’t believe you? I suppose you’re right, though, if it is the right person they should be willing to try and continue to try. I guess I’ve never really had that either.

I’ll do something, inevitably, and they’ll be gone. someone better, less fucked up, will come along.

sounds like you’re painting more pictures of the future, and they’re not pretty. better to paint nothing and let things happen of their own accord

that’s the anxiety. always making shit up. I’m glad I don’t have the energy to do this as much anymore. it’s still in the back of my mind. I guess I do need to learn to just not expect anything. 

inevitably. I want what we all want, but I also don’t see it as a real possibility for me. it’s what happens in movies. it’s what happens to other people. sure, I love, I care. I know I can. but is it ever good enough? I’ve tried so hard, I don’t know how much harder I can try. is it ever good enough?

you sound like a lost puppy doing tricks for its master to win affection. stop trying to win over the hearts of people. stop bending over backwards for people. stop placing your self-worth in their hands. you are suffering and suffering deeply

I have suffered deeply. thankfully I haven’t been as close to anyone in years as I was before. I haven’t really had anyone to try so hard for. it gave me a lot of time to reflect. a lot of time to repress, too, which is unfortunate. but I did learn I need to stop trying so hard unless I’m sure I get some reciprocity. I just. I hope it’s clear that I never had anyone interested in me before. hardly even as friends either. they gave me half an ounce and I gave back ten pounds. that’s just how I was. I didn’t regret caring so much. honestly, I still don’t. I had a lot of love to give, and if they wanted to step on it that spoke more to their character than mine. my problem was that I watched them step on it and I stayed anyway.  

I just have a lot to learn, I guess. I went through so much unhealthy, painful shit, because I didn’t know better. I thought that was just how things were. I had no reference point, though I’m sure I knew I wasn’t happy with some things. I held on to a lot because I didn’t want to be alone; I didn’t have anything better to move on to. I can’t complain about the friendships. those genuinely have been some of my best memories and experiences. but the pesudo-relationships, FWB-type-situations-turned-friendships? that’s what’s weird. hard to deal with. 

the last 4 and a half years have been very quiet. whatever weird situation I was involved in with A lasted for 2 and a half years, but we only saw each other every few months. we’d agreed on no feelings, but he knew it was hurting me. so that was that. I kept up with school. I tried the okcupid thing for kicks, maybe I felt some sort of optimism about it, but it mostly made me feel sick. I deactivated that thing so many times. I’m not even sure what I wanted out of it anyway. if you aren’t making friends or meeting people “organically”, how else do you do it? if there were an okc for friends I’d have been on that shit too. I missed company, more than anything. feeling a genuine connection to someone, being able to talk to them, knowing I didn’t have to put on a face. thinking back, I’m sure it was my own feelings more than what other people did or said that hurt most. 

I forgot where I was going with this. I’m tired. but uh. yeah. 

you wanna skype some time? sure would be easier than long rambly posts. 

[morsmordrehasbeensaved]

♔ MY SELF-WORTH IS NOT DETERMINED BY OTHERS ♔

✤  Remus Lupin. ✤  Gryffindor / Seventh Year. ✤  Halfblood. ✤  Order of the Phoenix. ✤  Open character.

After the bite, things were different. People who knew were suddenly afraid of you. You were afraid of you. It felt vile, to be this kind of creature. You hated it, you hated yourself. Who could love such a thing? Could such a thing even return their love? It turned you cruel, thinking the world despised you ━ until you met people who didn’t. Despite your affliction, they loved and cared for you, went to the ends of the earth for you and you felt the exact same way. And that was the changing point, you found what it meant to love. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t show the enemy your teeth every now and then.

BIOGRAPHY.

Trigger warnings: Self-harm, Depression

Remus John Lupin, even from a young age, had known of the evil that lurked in the shadows, the sounds and stories of the dark creatures who stalked the earth, and he knew of the mystery that shroud the things that go bump in the night. His father was an expert in such things after all, and what was there to be afraid of when your father, your hero, knew the secrets of every last monster and assured you that you were safe from them all? Perhaps that was why he slept so soundly that night, even at the tender age of five years old, when Fenrir Greyback slipped into his room from the window and changed Remus’ life forever. His own screams and the sting of claws in his skin and the bite on his shoulder were some of the most vivid memories he had of his childhood and they were the memories that replayed in his mind each night of the full moon where he became the monster of his own worst nightmares.

His condition had a name; lycanthropy. At least, according to some. Others termed it werewolfry, but Remus didn’t much care what it was called. Though his father could explain every facet and nuance of the condition to a scared and confused Remus, who now jumped at the very sight of the moon in any phase, Lyall Lupin, the famed expert in dark creatures, could not cure him. Neither could the hundreds of healers the Lupins took their son to, desperate to reverse the effects. Spending nearly everything they had and coming up empty-handed, it was devastating for Lyall and Hope when they finally accepted that there was nothing to be done and that their beloved son would be forced to live with this condition for the rest of his life.

Hope Lupin handled the news surprisingly well, though Remus suspected this was partly because she didn’t quite understand the condition as well as Lyall, but she always did have a particularly optimistic attitude even at the darkest of times. Her arms were always open, ready to pull Remus into a hug or sneak him bits of chocolate when he was feeling especially low. But despite her warmth, she could never fully ward off the chill deep in his bones at the approaching full moon. Still, she encouraged him to count his blessings and to find the silver lining behind every grey cloud and promised him that he was no monster.

Lyall Lupin had handled the news of his son’s lycanthropy much harder. Perhaps that was because he knew of the discrimination his son faced in the wizarding world, and the trials of his future. How could his son ever complete a proper education, find a job, or even someone to love him? Remus’ lycanthropy turned his father into a bitter man, the weight of his own guilt crushing as he took the blame for the attack when his son was so small. If only he hadn’t spoken out so publicly against Fenrir Greyback, if only he had placed additional protective charms over the home, then perhaps his son would not suffer from the monster he held inside. It broke his heart each night of the full moon to pull his frightened son out to the shed and lock him inside, listening to his screams as his sharp teeth and claws tore at his own flesh in his frustrations at the transformation and the confinement.

Each morning after, Lyall would unlock the doors of the shed, pull his son into his arms and weep with him before taking him inside to tend to his wounds. Hope would be just inside, dark circles under her red eyes from a sleepless night of listening to her little boy’s screams. Remus could see the burden resting on their hearts and at first welcomed their loving embraces, their gentle hands tending to his self-inflicted wounds, and the small pieces of chocolate they gave him with the promise that it would make him feel better. After a few years, however, he grew tired of the routine. Out of pain, fear, and confusion he would push their gentle hands away and lock himself in his room. A monster in a cage, he supposed. That’s what he was, wasn’t he? It was what he saw in the mirror anyway. He hated it, he hated the monster and the bitter resentment building inside of him. The shattered mirror couldn’t bring him seven years of bad luck when he was already living in hell.

Receiving his Hogwarts letter was not the joyous experience his classmates gushed about now and then when they recalled their fond memories. He only remembered his father’s hand on his shoulder, a choked apology, another warm hug from his mother and the bitter disappointment of losing something that he was supposed to have. Lyall promised homeschooling, that it would be safer and he would teach Remus everything he knew, but they all knew it wasn’t the same. The real joy came with Professor Albus Dumbledore’s visit where he assured the Lupins that Remus would be able to attend as any normal boy, with a few special accommodations to address his condition. Normal. Remus Lupin could be normal. With a chance for a fresh start amongst peers who knew him as nothing more than another student, Remus had eagerly promised Professor Dumbledore to do whatever was necessary to ensure the safety of the other students in order to attend.

Remus knew he was different from the other boys in his dorm or the rest of the students sitting around him in the Great Hall, however, and the weight of his secret was heavy on his shoulders. The fear of how his friends might react should they realize what he was, was even heavier. In second year, when Peter, James, and Sirius uncovered his secret, Remus had feared his time at Hogwarts was over. It wouldn’t be long before everyone knew what he was, parents would write to the school to have him removed, and he would return home to his lonely isolation. It had come as a shock to him when the other boys didn’t run from him in fear, nor did they share his secret with anyone else. Instead they carried his books when his arms were too weak to lift them himself, they shared their notes when he fell asleep in class out of exhaustion from being up so late, and they covered for him when other students questioned his frequent absences or the marks on his skin.

Never before had Remus Lupin had friends like this, who saw his condition as nothing more than the occasional ailment. They overlooked his greatest flaw to see him for everything else that made him who he was. He did like charms class, and of course he knew what that creature was on the DADA exam. His favorite color was blue, and he didn’t think pumpkin juice was gross. He was a person, maybe a little different, but wasn’t everyone? Even the Prewett twins who were absolutely identical in looks had their own unique personalities and struggles as well. It was at Hogwarts that Remus Lupin realized that his struggle, though apart of him, didn’t have to define him.

In fifth year when his friends, his brothers, managed an incredible magical feat to become animagai did Remus find that the monster within could be tamed. It was only when locked away in isolation did his condition lead to frustration and rage, which manifested itself in the wounds he suffered for years. But with the company of his friends, and the freedom of the grounds of Hogwarts in the moonlight, he found that he was much more in control than he had ever believed he could be. Of course James and Sirius were able to keep his actions in check should they stray too close to the village, but after countless nights roaming the grounds and without a single fatality or injury caused by Remus, he found he was growing more comfortable in what was once his dreaded form and thus more confident in himself.

Remus had found his silver lining. For too long he had merely been coping with his condition, enduring the worst of it and trying to move on with his life otherwise. He had been successful in such endeavors, able to find happiness and peace despite his condition. To realize his friends had embraced his lycanthropy, and found a way to celebrate what made him different, well Remus realized that he didn’t have to merely cope any longer. For once, he didn’t dread the nights of the full moon, he looked forward to them. What had been his greatest fear for so long was something he actually enjoyed. Moving forward with a new confidence and a sense of true belonging, Remus flourished at school. He joined clubs, made other friends, he was even appointed as a Prefect. If he could do all of that, he supposed anyone could and he dismayed at the way the muggleborns and his fellow half-bloods were treated. He’d known discrimination for far too long and resolved to fight against it, eagerly joining the Order with his closest friends. After all, if his differences could be accepted and celebrated, shouldn’t everyone else’s?

CONNECTIONS.

JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK & PETER PETTIGREW ━ Marauders, best friends. AMELIA BONES ━ Partner up sometimes to do Prefect rounds, friends. ZHENYA SELWYN ━ Used to be friends with, doesn’t know what happened, misses.

THIS CHARACTER’S FACECLAIM IS ALFIE ENOCH (SEMI-NEGOTIABLE).

[tarisilmarwen]

I am full to bursting with rambles about the romances in my own stories so congrats Tumblr, you are now my writing dump box.

I will babble a lot.

Adventures of the Sea Siren: High fantasy, sea-faring adventures.

Fen/Maeve-- Main couple.  Captain Farrell “Fen” Armant is a newly reformed ne’er-do-well pirate.  Lady Maeve Endeleva, noblewoman of the Tarshaani court, was the one to convince the Calif to pardon him, moved by some strange pity.  He does not make that decision easy for her early in the story, being kind of a pain in the ass and slipping back into old habits.  They clash a lot initially but eventually come to have a friendship that blossoms slowly into love.  Married at end of the series.

Fisrock/Tabitha-- I think they were supposed to be my already together stable happy married couple, lol.

Evander/Cappy-- Junior member of the crew and apprentice mage Lady Maeve picks up later on their adventures.  They crush on each other.  It is cute.

Allemant/Rura-- Teased.  Ship’s scientist/inventor guy and a Mysterious Waif they found frozen in ice.  I suppose the appeal would mostly be Allemant’s utter science nerdy glee in figuring out how she worked (she’s not exactly human).

Relligon/Aisha and Relligon/Nashiko-- Teased.  Loyal bodyguard of Lady Maeve’s with either another member of the crew or a local girl they picked up with Rura.  Don’t think I had anything major planned with them, maybe just little teases here and there for both of them.

Venderick/Rowena-- Villain couple.  Hella unhealthy in the end but they seem genuinely enamored of each other at first.  It does not end well.

Artelia: Queen of Eevalond: High fantasy, kickass single mom queen rules a country and fights evil ‘n stuff.

Haegan/Artelia-- Loyal soldier/guard and the queen herself.  Artelia did genuinely love her husband and misses him terribly but has been rather lonely since he passed.  Haegan is always there and caring and supportive and has been nursing an affection for her for a while now.  The UST is real.

The DM Can’t Roll For This: Comedy.  Local D&D-type chapter finds their real life problems seeping into their campaign.

Kenji/Helena-- Main girl and dorky sword nerd newbie.  Helena awkwards all around him and he’s mostly either oblivious or hilaritized.

Bruce/Rika-- Married couple that games together.  They play as two tanks with Belligerent Sexual Tension.  IRL they are adorably smoopy.

J.C./Casey-- Perpetually shy Shrinking Violet and oversensitive drama queen.  She eventually develops the spine needed to ask him out.

Eternal Skies: Sci-Fi/Steampunk, advanced city is isolated out in the middle of a seemingly endless ocean.

Levi/Aya-- Loyal bodyguard and the Empress of the city.  The idea for the story first came out of a dream but frustrations with the outrageous injustice that was Aldnoah.Zero’s Slaine/Asseylum not being a thing reignited my deep and burning thirst for Bodyguard Crush ships so I revisited this idea and that kind of relationship dynamic fit right in with them, lol.  Levi’s family tried to leave the city once, caught themselves in a storm, they drowned, the then-princess Ayalin saved him.  He is hopelessly devoted to her and constantly worries about her safety.  As well he should, given that Aya is sometimes reckless and prone to battling bouts of crippling depression.  He doesn’t know it, but she’s loved him nearly as long as he’s loved her because he, in her own words, was “the first person who made me want to live”.

Jobei/Hiriko-- Teased.  Jobei lucks into the airship guard via a chance meeting with Aya, and Hiriko sort of becomes his trainer.  She’s intense and scary and very intimidating sometimes but he kinda likes her.  She comes to be kind of fond of him too, though she’d never admit it.  I still don’t know if I wanna make it canon or leave it up in the air yet.

Four Seasons Warriors: Magical Girl type series, themed around the four seasons.  (Duh.)

Sean/Soldad-- Stable couple that gets together early on.  Sean is in theater.  For some reason I always read his dialogue in a British accent, I should do something with that.  Soldad is bubbly cheerleader type.  They are full of playful banter and when she eventually confesses to the Masquerade he takes it rather well.

Chase/Autumn-- My Slap Slap Kiss couple.  Chase likes to flirt with her and she gets so confused and offended and “What is this thing called human flirtation my files contain no such data.” and acts prickly to him sometimes but then sometimes is like, “Two can play at this game, Mister.” and banters back.  For the most part he’ll shrug and back off when she’s in NOPE mode but when she teases back he’s like, “OKAY WAIT I’M SO CONFUSED.” and they basically bumble around accidentally being good supportive friends to each other in their low moments until they finally have to have the dreaded, “Okay what is this relationship exactly?”  Which starts as an argument but ends with kisses.  I mostly have it to add lulz. :)

Mitsuki/Lina-- Mitsuki is a shy nerdy geek type and Lina is the cool stoic big sister of the group.  So a big Geek Boy/Stoic Girl dynamic here.  They have a Meet Cute early on and Mitsuki is hopelessly crushing on her for much of the story.  Lina is oblivious to most of it but tolerates his hanging around, as it keeps the bullies off him.  She gets a temporary love interest (Sedaris) that is the polar opposite of Mitsuki--tall, charming, good with words, classically handsome, basically fangirl bait--and falls for him pretty quickly but PSYCH! turns out he’s evil and just wants to kill her.  Mitsuki is a really supportive shoulder to cry on and she warms up to him soon after that.  They get together about three-quarters through.

Adam/Elsie-- Elsie is cripplingly shy and timid and has had a crush on him forever.  He’s oblivious.  He remains oblivious until Trickster, a flirtatious villain with a thing for Elsie, involves him in a hostage situation.  They get together.  His (almost) death triggers her super-powered form.

Trickster/Elsie-- One-sided on Trickster’s side.  He likes to flirt with all the girls and annoy them but Elsie he particularly takes a shine too.  Hypnotizes her into serving him once.  It doesn’t stick.  Continues to try and get under her skin whenever he can.

Trickster/Brittney-- Brittney is actually a clingy jealous ex of Chase’s.  Through some odd events she falls in with Trickster, and they hit it off... remarkably well.  To the girls’ chagrin and disgust.

The Geek In Glass Slippers: Basically Cinderella at Comic-Con.

Chris (Leonid)/Cindy-- Like a lot of modern Cinderella retellings, I had the prince and the Cinderella equivalent meet before the ‘ball’.  They were actually friends in high school.  Then he went off and got rich and famous. :D  They’re just your basic nerd couple really.  She fights his fangirl army in the climax.  It is awesome and hilarious.

Gutter Glamour: Steampunk/Historical Romance, three brothers gotta get married before their grandpa kicks it in order to secure their fortunes.  Family drama and fiendish plots ensue.

Evander/Rita-- Main couple.  Rita was a homeless urchin Evander encountered in the streets and treated to lunch.  Having no luck finding a wife elsewhere, he returns to her the next day and proposes marriage.  They are awkward dorks together.  It is precious.

Sebastian/Vivian-- Evander’s more responsible older brother and his spacey artist girlfriend.  They just recently got engaged at the start of the story so his search for a bride is over fairly quickly, lol.  They have a baby partway through the story.

Destan/Lilian-- Lilian, a prim and proper seamstress, doesn’t think all that much of wild, trouble-making Destan when he comes to call and begs her parents for her hand at first.  But she can’t deny she’d be marrying well so she doesn’t put up much protest.  They become rather... comfortable with each other over the story.

Aidelaird/Evaline-- Happily married couple.  They are so sickeningly in love it is almost revolting.

John/Penny-- Past relationship.  Penny passed on before the beginning of the story.  She and John had a nice little Sunshiney Optimist/Grumpy Grouch thing going on.

Farraday/Tamara-- ‘nother happily married couple, mostly got a Savvy Guy/Energetic Girl dynamic.  And hella kids.  Tamara wears the pants in the relationship, and Farraday is most just constantly amused by her antics.

Donovan/Cherise-- Yet another married couple although much less happy, lol.  Both schemers and plotters, Donovan is still hung up on Evaline, who rejected him in favor of his older brother way back when, and Cherise is a crafty seductress whose womanly wiles play a big role in her manipulations.  She initially snared Donovan in an attempt to get away from her family, only to have Donovan wind up working for her family’s company out of resentment at his own family.  So their relationship is a bit, uh... frigid.  And complicated.

Devin/Tia-- Hella unhealthy.  Devin only married Tia to fulfill the requirements for Grandpa John’s will, and thus inherit the family’s fortune.  Tia tries her best to be a good wife but Devin isn’t interested in being loving or kind.  Protagonists break them up and pointedly keep her in the family and ostracize Devin.

Haegar/Ianna-- Antagonist couple.  A more stable and cooperative version of Donovan/Cherise.  Their machinations and schemes work more harmoniously with them as a cohesive team.

Nolan/Ingrid-- Semi-sleezy politician and snobby upper-class lady.  Despite said character flaws they’re rather happy together.

The Protectoress: High Fantasy/Gateway Fantasy.  Every hundred years an asteroid fragment carrying an ancient evil immortal despot comes to terrorize and destroy a magical realm.  The power to stop him reincarnates into a partner team of a Chosen One from that realm, and a Protectoress from ours.  Story is about the last partner team.

Ren/Lori-- The Chosen One and the titular Protectoress.  Mostly inspired by MeruPuri and also just because I have a thing for relationships where the older member is sortofkindofbutreallynotreally a surrogate parent/guardian to the younger member.  So Ren starts getting hot as he gets older and Lori has this moment of, “Well look at YOU!”  They have a simmering kind of slow-burn chemistry, Lori naturally feels very protective of him (and not just because her inherited magical powers make her feel that way) and comes to care about him a whole lot, but holds herself back from pushing anything until Ren is older and actively starting to pursue his own feelings for her.

Sakura Squad: Sci-Fi war drama IN SPAAAAAACE.  Protagonists become a mini propaganda shoujo heroine squad to inspire hope in the masses.

Keiji/Aiko-- Aiko is smitten at first sight and has a lot of trouble making herself coherent around him.  He mostly just thinks she’s cute at first, and brings a good vibe to the team, but unconsciously starts taking steps to protect her in combat.  His freakout when he learns about her secret Sakura Squad doings are partly motivated by his fear of her dying.  Through some close calls they quickly warm up to each other and get together towards the end.

Ryuuki/Masayo-- Ryuuki is the fangirl-bait ladies’ man who is always flirting with the girls on the team, but finds himself inexplicably flustered and awkward around shy mousy timid Wrench Wench Masayo.  She’s oblivious to his affections and her own feelings for most of the story.

Tarou/Kiyomi-- They have a supportive, friendly, playful banter kind of friendship.  Always kind of low-key flirting with each other.  Kiyomi fervently denies that they’re anything but friends but they’re caught later making out in a closet.   It is hilarious.

Shiki/Kaname-- Happy stable married couple.  Kaname wears the pants hard.  Sunk at the end when Kaname dies in battle.

Starship 227: Sci-Fi.  Elite investigative team for the galactic government fly around in their spaceship and have adventures and stuff.

Arden/Kina-- Ship captain and cute resident nurse.  Arden also has a female first mate that you’d think he might get together with in a Slap Slap Kiss fashion but nope, they just don’t like each other and are also half-siblings oops.  Arden is constantly hitting on Kina or looking for excuses to see her and she’s somewhat oblivious at first but soon grows to have feelings for him as well.

Squadron 15/Haven Academy: Your basic superhero high school.

Redbird/Firelily (Aiden/”Lily” Keliannar)-- Main couple.  Very Brooding Boy Gentle Girl.  Redbird is awkward as hell around her and she makes him go all blushy but he can be real sweet and protective and caring and she just warms up to him more and more over the story and becomes protective over him too and there’s a lot of mutual caring and concern for each other.  They get together later.

Shard/Vapor (Cliff/Shawna)-- Shawna’s dated around and actually has a boyfriend at the start of the story, whom she breaks up with because he’s a ~dramawhore~.  Shard lowkey has a bit of a crush on her the whole story and she doesn’t exactly discourage him and jokes about how she should totally date him all the time.  Eventually he realizes he really likes her and plucks up the nerve to ask her out.  He is huge and she is tiny and it is cute.

Quickster/Silkworm (Miguel/Kimiko)-- Just cute kids who like each other being cute together and going on fun dates.

Captain/Illusion (James/Janet)-- Team Dad and Team Mom.  They have a playful, comfortable sort of relationship and just like to spend time around each other away from the craziness of their “kids”.

Captain/Sketcher (James/Ellie)-- Teased.  Not emphasized much but hinted on occasion that Sketcher has a crush on him.  It never develops into much and she forgets about it quietly as the story goes on.

Crimson Ray/Silver Shield (Leonid/Alisa)-- Sweet good-natured nice boy and sweet good-natured Ill Girl.  They are lowkey and quiet and very heartwarming.  Also endlessly tragic when the ship is sunk with Alisa’s Heroic Sacrifice to save the city.  I milk the angst for all it’s worth.  It is almost mean.

Flint/Solar (Andrew/Doris)-- Happy married couple.  They kind of needle and poke each other playfully and make each other flustered.  It’s cute.

Nighteagle/Cosmar (Douglas/Zoe)-- Stoic introverted Angsty McAngsterson and the bubbliest, sunniest, most energetic ball of energy ever.  Cosmar has a massive, not-so-secret crush on him and it confuses and baffles the hell of out Nighteagle.

White Eyestones: High fantasy war drama.

Indin/Elarin-- Happy married couple.  They have their rough patches but they smooth them out quickly.  Sunk when Indin dies halfway through the story.

Elsiron/Thelnaela-- This one was almost kind of an accident?  Lol IDK I just really liked writing Thelnaela being all teasing and playful around him and their banter almost wrote itself and I was like, “Ah yes.  This should be a thing.”

Winds of Ikilia: Fantasy quest in an asian-inspired world.  To try and win a war against an evil empire a crown prince kidnaps a young tribesgirl with mysterious powers.  Her friends come after her to rescue her.  They have adventures.

Kai/Nadi-- Main couple.  Hella cute.  Been friends since childhood, get matched by the matchmaker early on in the story.  Have a very deliberate Older Girl/Younger Boy thing going on.  They spend a lot of time being worried about each other and having playful banter and saying heartwarming things to each other that make my character Tiri groan and roll her eyes.  Decide to start officially referring to each other as betrothed and fiance partway through the story.  Married in the epilogue.

Ainusan/Ta Lian-- Oh gosh this is... *giggles*  This is actually kind of a running gag.  See my protagonist Nadi once disguises herself as a noblewoman while she’s looking for her friend and Prince Ainusan comes in and basically confuses her for Princess Ta Lian and is rather impressed by her spunk, being that he thought she was more of a ditz.  Ta Lian herself hears about his poor first impression of her later, from Nadi, and is so OFFENDED and ANNOYED and “That jerk I liked him!” and from then on I basically just make cracks about how they should totally get together.  And then the payoff comes in the epilogue where I reveal that they totally did.  I did it because it was funny.

Ainusan/Kiria-- Teased.  Little bitty hints here and there that Kiria has a tiny crush on him.  Nothing major.

San/Tiri-- Teased.  Tiri likes to flirt at him and he sometimes banters back.  Doesn’t go anywhere but provides much lulz

San/Kiria-- Also another case where little hints are dropped that Kiria has a crush on him.  What can I say, she likes dem older boys.

Korda/Keyla-- Married couple.  Nadi’s parent’s.  No big.

Wings: Magical girlfriend story.  Fairy family gets stuck living with normal human family for a while.  Their kids fall in love.  Drama ensues.

Hideki/Elaina-- Main couple.  It’s pretty much love at first sight for Hideki, and he immediately wants to ask her out.  She’s thrilled at his attention and forwardness and caring and becomes super protective of him and they are basically adorable at each other.  They get married partway through, in a magic ritual that will serve to protect him from fairy machinations.

Kubo/Haruna-- Married couple.  Hideki’s parents.  Not much else to be said about them.  They’re stable and healthy and long-suffering together.

Oberon/Titania-- Their marital problems are the driving background noise behind literally every single problem the two families ever have.  They seriously need counseling.

Ronan/Amara-- Married couple.  Elaina’s parents.  Amara had a lot of bitterness in her heart from a previous first love (a human, ordered killed by Oberon when he found out because he’s hissy about fairy/human relationships because Titania’s a cheating skank with them) but Ronan managed to soften her and help her find a measure of healing and happiness.

Tallas/Elaina-- One-sided.  Tallas is a fairy noble who has a creepy interest in Elaine and has on one occasion tried to ask her father for her hand.  Ronan sensed he was bad news and vetoed that right away.  Amara was later approached with the same offer and told Tallas where to shove it.  He persists in trying to woo her himself but she’s not flattered or interested and he basically slips more and more into an adolescent hissy fit of If I Can’t Have You, outright brainwashing and threatening Hideki in one case.  Roundly thwarted in the end.

[cnscenterofaz-blog]

ANXIETY SYMPTOMS IN TEENS

Contrary to popular belief, anxiety is actually pretty normal during adolescent and teenage years, for this period serves to be the most stressful stage in a person’s life. This is understandable for these years tend to be the most explorative and confusing years in one’s life. Normally, anxiety serves as a coping mechanism stimulated by the brain to deal with feelings of uneasiness during stressful situations. For most people, it is a normal phase that will dissipate over time on its own. However, some people experience severe anxiety which can negatively impact his or her life; symptoms start to hinder these people from socializing and participating in various activities. Overwhelming feelings of anxiety will then start to develop into worse conditions giving light to anxiety disorder, depression, or even phobias.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, almost 25% of teenagers, aging from 13 to 18 years old, have an anxiety disorder; while, 6% have a more severe anxiety disorder. This is a pretty hefty percentage rate, which should be given attention to by parents or other parental figures, for this can heavily affect a young person’s mental health as he or she grows. Unfortunately, symptoms of anxiety disorder can be very difficult to spot especially on teenagers. Oftentimes, signs and symptoms are mistaken to be brought upon by hormonal changes. Luckily, there are tell-tale signs that you can watch out for.

Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety

Mental Changes

People with anxiety disorder often manifest personality changes. Aside from extreme feelings of nervousness, dread, and worry, individuals will tend to display the following:

Fatigue

Extreme fear

Restlessness

Irritability

Difficulty in concentrating

Unexplained outbursts  

Social Changes

Anxiety can also relatively affect your teen’s relationship with others. If your teen starts to act detached from family or friends, there is a problem. Observe for other signs such as:

Isolation

Avoiding participation even in favorite activities

Detachment from friends or even family

Frequent refusal to go out

Physical Changes

Aside from a change in mental state, anxiety disorder can manifest itself in various physical conditions as well. Most of the time, these symptoms are dismissed as complaints but pay attention to the frequency or pattern. The following are red flags that you have to watch out for:

Frequent headaches or migraines

Gastrointestinal problems

Changes in eating habits

Complaints about not feeling even without medical issues

Other Symptoms

In severe cases, symptoms can become extremely obvious which will be manifested through sleep disturbances, insomnia, and panic attacks. Oftentimes, parents dismiss panic attacks as tantrums or unreasonable outbursts. But, panic attacks are distinguishable by the following signs:

Rapid heartbeat

Trembling or shaking

Sweating or cold sweats

Upset stomach

Dizziness

Chest pain

Numbness in arms and legs

Tingling sensation in muscles

Difficulty breathing

Other Disorders Related to Anxiety

Aside from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), your teen can suffer from other mental health issues that can develop when his or her condition is left unchecked.

Separation Anxiety

This is a condition wherein a person feels scared of being separated from home or figures with major attachments. It might seem like a non-threatening condition, but it can lead to severe anxiety and even depression. It is often manifested through unwillingness to separate from certain people or leave home. This will lead your teen to further isolate himself or herself from other people. Separation anxiety also has a tendency to amplify feelings of insecurity and loneliness.

Panic Disorder

In extreme cases, panic attacks can become recurrent. In a way, anxiousness regarding panic attacks will start to trigger more panic attacks; this may even lead to physical or psychological harm. This will also develop unwillingness to socialize and engage or participate in activities due to fear of anxiety attacks.  When left untreated, panic disorders can lead to agoraphobia.

Social Phobia

As the name entails, this is the development of fear in associating and mingling with others. It also includes fear of embarrassment and humiliation in social situations. In severe cases, the person may find it difficult to execute normal day-to-day activities due to fear of socializing.

Effects of Anxiety on Teens

Anxiety disorder and other disorders associated to it are manageable by therapeutic approaches. However, these concerns have a long term effect on teens if left unchecked. It can significantly impair a person’s daily life. Effects of anxiety disorder include the following:

Behavioral problems

Poor academic performance

Frequent absences in school

Dropping out of school

Low self-esteem

Substance use and abuse

Alcoholism

Misdemeanors or committing of petty crimes

Persistence of anxiety disorder in adulthood

What can you do?

If you have observed that your teen display most of the signs and symptoms listed above, you can opt to ask for professional help. Aside from this, you can help in simple ways such as giving support. You can also encourage your teen to participate in activities or social gatherings. Friends can also play a big part in treating anxiety disorders; encourage your teen to make friends. Last but definitely the most important, you should spare some time to lend an ear to your teen. In most cases, anxiety disorder is caused by extreme worrying over circumstances that he or she is experiencing. Proper guidance and support can considerably help him or her.

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