#the doogies are still almost real to me

[sandymybeloved]

Did anyone else have a recurring monster in their nightmares when they were small, not a recurring nightmare, a monster who would appear in almost all your nightmares? because I have never met anyone else who did

Mine were the doogies, and even though I haven't dreamt about them since I was 4 or 5 I remember them vividly. Doogies basically look like giant anthropomorphic shaggy dogs who had only one motive, to kidnap my bunnies (stuffed animals i used to not be able to sleep without) and kill me (the stealing of my bunnies was by far the worst one).

I was vigilant about doogies growing up, I had two bunnies, Rough, my favourite, and Tickly. I used to offer tickly up as a sacrifice so the doogies wouldn't take Rough, first by positioning her on the bed where the doogies would see before i went to sleep, then when i was a little older, i realised the doogies would be able to tell Rough was my favourite and would want to steal him instead, so their positions would swap. It was vitally important to me that the doogies not take Rough, even if I had to sacrifice Tickly to get it.

The one thing that could stop the doogies was screaming, it would make them leave. In reality obviously I would wake me up or get my parents to wake me up, but for a 3 year old to whom the doogies were very real, my screaming frightened them away.

There were also good doogies, they worked in some sort of factory and I only ever had one dream with good doogies in. They were all coming in to work in the factory and one of them, I think she was my age, came up to talk to me (I was trying to sleep in the bed in the entrance, it was a dream, the story doesn't have to make sense). Anyway, it turned out this doogie was not infact good, it was an evil doogie, it bit my ear off and I woke up.

Sometimes doogies would sneak into my bedroom, sometimes they would teleport me to the cave they lived in, no two dreams were the same, but I had them constantly, the doogies were my nightly terror, to the best of my memory i've only ever had two nightmares that weren't about the doogies.

The thing that finally defeated the doogies was trapping them in a shoebox. When I was around 4 my parents got me to draw a picture of them, and put it in a shoebox, this made the doogies climb out of my head and into the shoebox, and once they were all in there, it got taped up tightly. The nightmares didn't stop right away but they did become less and less frequent from then on. The shoebox lived in the shed, and then the garage after we moved, and now its in my room. I will never open it, I could never betray my 4 year old self like that, keeping that shoebox shut was a matter of life or death for her, and so for her sake I can never open it willingly, no matter how much I might want to see what i drew.

[thefirsthogokage]

So, this Doogie Reboot, Doogie Kamealoha, M.D., I wasn't actually going to talk about it, but I'm going to.

Not spoiler-free

Seeing the opening sequence with the guy who's leg she saved, and remembering the first episode of Doogie Howser, I got teary eyed with nostalgia. So, that was nice.

However, I'm really annoyed that she was nicknamed after a character and not a doctor her doctor mother had heard of. The age milestones are the exact same, which frustrated me over this even more. But the part that gets me is that no one is calling out how this day is almost exactly the same thing Doogie went through on his 16th birthday. If he's a character in a show these other characters watched, they would see that. But...ugh, I remember what happened in that episode, even though it's been years: Sad times are coming.

All I can say is I hope NPH does still guest star on this show as a patient and gets to meet the kid doctor nicknamed after his character and some meta jokes ensue. Because that will be the only thing that will even remotely satisfy me after the missed opportunity that is:

Howser ended up in Kamealoha's ER as a patient. He hasn't been a doctor for years, he had left medicine behind a long time ago. He became a writer, - as NPH wanted, - and got married and had a couple kids. Howser needs treatment for something pretty severe, and Kamealoha makes her recommendation. His kid is there with him, and wants a recommendation from an "adult doctor". Howser says he trusts Kamealoha because he was her 30 years ago. Sentimentalism and moving talks between the two ensue later.

God it would have been so good. I am so sad at this missed opportunity and will never get over it.

Ok, back to watching the episode after catching up...

I am definitely impressed with the lead's acting. While NPH really impressed me for a teenage actor, Payton's face is wonderfully emotive and she's doing a fantastic job.

And unfortunately they do this thing where even though the cast has chemistry, and the family feels like a real enough family, they say things between each other like they haven't known each other for years. Like the mom explaining what an Irish Catholic is like to the dad. Or just the lack of professionalism from the mom in the beginning with interacting with Doogie. Like they have never been in the same place before. Just, not a great way to introduce your characters. I wish I could have re-written some stuff for them.

It is nice to see some more 90s nostalgia with Barry Bostwick playing the elderly patient. But also sad, because I know how this goes, and he had such a beautiful performance.

The mom lasted an hour doing chest compressions? I call bullshit. That was a huge exaggeration. Not only would she have lasted that long, I'm pretty sure someone would have pulled her off of the patient and told her that was enough.

Concluding Thoughts: Annoyed with how similar the plot was, and the introduction of things about the characters by having them explaining themselves to people who already know them, but the acting was great, and the writing in general was great, and the setting is aesthetically pleasing. So, I'll keep watching.

[cutiepisenpai]

Gifted part 8

Spencer Reid x F!Reader Warning: Slight angst, fluff Since the team didn’t have an active case, Hotch told them to take the rest of the day and the next day off unless they got called in. Spencer took Y/N home and he wanted to make sure she was okay so he went all the way to her door. The ride in the elevator was strange, he had taken this ride so many times and yet everything about being with Y/N now was like the first time again. When they get to the door, Y/N unlocks and opens it turning around to face Spencer. “Do you want to come in? I can um show you the first episode of the show I mentioned.” Y/N asks. “You should probably rest instead of trying to watch tv.” “Ugh I’m so tired of being told to rest. Rest isn’t going to fix anything. And if anyone should be resting it you. Like when was the last time you got a full night's sleep?” She rants. “I try to sleep but I can’t. The last time I slept the entire night was before you got shot.” He says low, almost a whisper. “Why would that stop you from sleeping? You didn’t get shot?” she asks. “Because I love you! And I was worried about you! And you didn’t remember me and I couldn’t do anything about it.” he yelled in a strangled voice as tears began to fall, all the sorrow and frustration he had suppressed coming to the surface. Y/N’s heart hurts for him. Everyone avoids mentioning anything about their relationship, never saying anything about them being more than friends. She had her inkling but now she was sure of it. She steps closer, reaching out to touch him but hesitates before wiping the tears as they fall, “Let’s go inside.” She leads him in to sit on the couch and she takes a seat next to him rubbing his back trying to console him. “You can talk to me about anything. I might not remember what things were like before but I’ll always be here for you.” They sit together eventually falling asleep on the couch.  

Spencer was the first to wake up a few hours later. The apartment was dark sun having already set, yellow street lights shown through the curtain. He felt a comforting weight on his chest and when he looked down he saw Y/N sleeping on him. It felt so normal to be here with her like this he rubs a hand up and down her back. His hands make their way up to her head scratching at her scalp and lightly behind her ear and she smiles in her sleep. Her smile brings him so much joy, “I miss you so much sweetpea.” He says. She turns in her sleep and mumbles, “I miss you too honeybee.” His heart swells. She does remember not consciously but somewhere in there she remembers him she still loves him. Finally relenting and enjoying the memories he had with her he relishes in the feeling now. She shifts eyes opening to look up at him and for the first time in a long time she doesn’t look at him like a stranger, “Whatcha staring at creep?” She asks giggling. He had never been so happy to hear her call him a creep, “You are beautiful.” He smiles back at her. “Even with this large bruise?” She asks pointing at her eye, he takes a hold of her face gently swiping his thumb over the bruise. When she doesn’t move away from his touch he leans forward placing a gentle kiss on the bruise. Her eyes flutter shut relishing in the feeling even when he pulls away, it’s the most real anything has felt since she woke up in the hospital. “Can I ask you a favor?” She asks. “Yea, anything.” “Can you tell me about before, honestly tell me.” “Yea um yea I can do that. On your first day at the BAU I met you riding up the elevator…” He smiles thinking about it, “When we got out and walked into the bullpen my eyes were glued to you. I was being so obvious and then Morgan noticed and teased me for it. I was such a nervous wreck around you I couldn’t even talk you every time you talked to me I would get lost in your voice.” When he looks into her eyes and sees the tears forming, “Why are you crying?” He asks “I wish I remembered. The way you talk about it I really wish I could remember everything.” He wraps his arms around her pulling her against his chest kissing the top of her head, “Don’t worry even if they don’t come back we can make new ones. I’m just happy you know.” They lie there together until Y/N’s stomach growls, “Shush” She says looking down and Spencer laughs at her reaction. “We should probably eat dinner.” He says. “I don’t feel like cooking.” “We can order something.” “Sounds good” They end up up ordering chinese food and Y/N makes fun of Spencer for not being able to use chopsticks. After dinner they watch the first episode of Doogie Howser M.D. because how could they not. 

That night when Spencer went home instead of sleeping like he should, like he told Y/N he would, he started researching ways to recover memory. When he looks over to the clock and sees the time he runs to take a quick shower before gathering all the stuff he spent the night finding and going to Y/N’s apartment. “What’s all that?” Y/N asks seeing the bags Spencer is carrying. He sits the bags down pulling articles and items out setting them on the coffee table. “I did some research on memory recovery and I have some things you could try.” He says. “Is that why it looks like you didn’t sleep? Maybe you should have slept instead the chances of any of these working is slim.” She says sitting down next to him. “It doesn’t hurt to try right?” He asks. He starts to look so disappointed and she can’t handle it. “Ok fine, but please stop looking like a kicked puppy.” “Okay so exercise, a healthy diet, and sleep are by far the most important, but other than sleep you already have a good grasp on the others.” He says. “Hey I sleep just fine when I’m not being called into work.” She says defensively. “The dark circles under your eyes tell a different story.” “Really? This coming from you. I’m pretty sure your eyebags are damn near permanent. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.” She says poking at the bags under Spencer’s eyes. “Anyways other things that might also help are meditating, writing in a journal, learning a new skill and puzzles. I’ve got crossword and jigsaw puzzles to start. We can also play chess.” He starts rambling about the benefits of using these tools to strengthen her memories. “You do know these all help retain memories right, not regain them.” “I know” He says, there’s that look again. “Ok I’ll make you a deal if you sleep more I will try these and see if they improve memory.” She offers her hand pinky out. “A pinky promise? We’re adults.” She continued holding her pinky out for him with a look, a look he is familiar with that means she is being serious. He wraps his pinky around hers grasping tight and she smiles, he loves that smile. When they let go she reaches over to pick up the book with the crossword puzzles. “I have a preference for word searches.” She says opening to the first page pen in hand. “I know you do but you need a challenge and you can figure out a word search just by glancing at it.”  She sticks her tongue out at him in response. 

The rest of the week goes well. Spencer checks in with Y/N everyday asking about how the meditation and journaling is going. She checks in with him to make sure that he is in fact sleeping. While they were on a case they did crosswords on the plane and during the little breaks they had Spencer would quiz her on any amounts of random information. The team enjoyed watching the two laugh and joke and even argue again. Morgan, Prentiss, and JJ are driving back to meet up with everyone else. A phone call comes in from Garcia, “Hey Baby Girl, what’s up, any new information.” “Me no but that’s not why I’m calling.” Garcia says. “Not that we aren’t happy to hear from you but what’s up?” Prentiss asks. “How are our love birds? She asks, voice full of hope. “They are doing just fine.” Prentiss answers. “That is not what I mean, JJ said they were acting normal again.” Garcia says. “Well on the plane they were sitting together again arguing over a crossword puzzle. She brought him snacks and made him limit his coffee. Earlier he kept asking her random questions and she got tired of it and glared at him.” JJ explains as they all chuckle. “I’m so happy. I don’t think I would have been able to take watching them apart.” Garcia says. “Well you can’t force anything just have to let it happen.” Morgan says. They hang up when they reach the local police department pulling up at the same time as Hotch and Rossi. When they walk in they are surprised at what they see Y/N is sitting on a table looking up at Spencer who appears to be yelling at her. Initially they are concerned until they see Y/N burst out laughing at a very frustrated Spencer. He storms off as Y/N tells him to wait still laughing. “What happened?” Morgan asks. She is still laughing tears streaming down her face from laughing so hard. When she finally stops laughing and catches her breath, “We were discussing Dr. Who and I asked how he could watch a show with improbable science. To which he argued that it’s not all that improbable and if I actually watched that I would know. And I said how would he know if I watched it or not and he said he already tried to get me to watch it. And I said Oh I remember that and now he’s mad that I finally remembered something and it’s that.” Y/N rambles. “Wait you remembered something?” Hotch asks. “It’s kind of fuzzy but that was the clearest a memory has been.” The team is happy to hear the good news. Y/N is happy as well. The memory itself was strange, kind of blurry tunnel vision like and she hated to admit all the mind strengthening techniques Spencer mentioned probably helped. “Do you want to talk about it?” Hotch asks. “Not in the slightest. Any new information.” Y/N asks. The team delves into discussion of the case. 

After arresting the unsub the team is packing up their things at the hotel waiting for the jet to be ready. Spencer hears a knock at his door, when he answers he sees Y/N. “Hey can I come in?” He moves to let her in. “Are you still upset?” She asks. “I wasn’t upset.” He answers. “You haven’t said a word to me since then.” “I just.. Why is that the first thing you remember?” and she shrugs. “Why does that bother you? I thought you would be happy. You know after working so hard to help me regain my memories.” “That isn’t how I want you to remember things. An argument.” He says. She chuckles placing a palm on his face, “The details are a little fuzzy but even I know that is not a bad memory. It may have been an argument but it was light hearted.” She says with a smile. Spencer can’t stop himself from smiling, “Can I kiss you?” She responds by standing on her tiptoes bringing her lips to ghost over his, barely touching. Spencer doesn’t move, he waits for her. He could hear his heart beating in his ears, drowning out all other sounds. She felt warmth when she fully pressed her lips against his, it was soft and delicate. The smell of coffee and peppermint floods her nose. He grabs her waist pulling her in closer to him and feels her smile against his lips and he smiles back. When they pulled away they smiled widely, “I have waited so long to kiss you again.” Y/N opens her mouth to say something but is interrupted by Morgan walking in. “Hey are you ready….” He doesn’t finish the sentence he just turns and walks out of the room shutting the door behind him. Y/N and Spencer just laughed at the situation sharing another quick kiss and going to meet up with the team. When they got downstairs to get in the SUV’s and head to the jet the team were all huddled whispering and giggling. They knew exactly what they were talking about, “What is this high school?” Y/N interrupts them. “I don’t know lovebird, why don’t you tell us.” Morgan quips backs. Arriving at the tarmac and boarding the jet Spencer and Y/N are inseparable holding hands the entire way. They sit next to each other and can still hear the snickers around them. “Don’t listen to them, they’re just jealous.” Spencer whispers into her ear and she giggles in response. They sit together, hands intertwined until they fall asleep on the flight home.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

AWAE 2x4 rewatch: thoughts and reactions

See, this is the kind of cold open that I like, not like last time. I never figured that one out. But let’s not dwell on that. I’m here for 2x4, so let’s dive in.

Oh, so that’s the one with the Lady of the Lake? I’m sure this will be great to watch.

Of course Eliza Barry would spoil everything. I would have liked to see this play out. Of course, not like in the book, since Gilbert isn’t there, but somehow. See, this is why I didn’t remember this reenactment happening. Because it never really happened.

The consequences of whatever happened to the gold rush thing are still present, as is made obvious by the conversation the Barrys just had.

Why on earth would Anne take Matthew’s private correspondence, and why would she read it to the girls?  Oh, yes, because she’s Anne. She can’t help being Anne, you know.

“... with the kindest, most wonderful man...” - true, Matthew is that.

Matthew really doesn’t have the words - at least not the words needed to give the love talk to Anne, which he thinks she’s asking for... but still, in Matthew we trust.

Give Jerry instructions about the hay? About how to do the job he’s been doing for quite a while now? Ok, this is just looking for excuses.

I see Gilbert is still experiencing Trinidad. I thoroughly enjoy looking at scenes like that.

“there might be gold on your land and you’d rather move coal” - to be honest, there’s way more money in that coal than in the “gold” in Avonlea. so Gilbert had better stay where he is and move his coal. He’d be better off that way.  

Yeah, and would a man spit “danger” up like a garden hose? I thought so.

And now Anne is answering the letters in Matthew’s name? How Anne of her!

So now Diana and Minnie May will be home-schooled in etiquette? Well, I guess one of them is ahead of the other, but Minnie May will surely be the one that comes out more prepared for real life if thing s go as they’re going right now.

Also, that was kind of cruel. “Childhood is over.” For Diana, that’s a teeny tiny bit more acceptable taking into consideration the times this takes place in, but for Minnie May? She’s like 5, maybe 6 or 7. This is just cruel. And I’d bet Diana would rather read books than balance them on her head while curtsying. But being a proper lady is a number one priority, isn’t it? 

I see what Nate did is  taking its toll on Marilla, and she’s taking it worse than everyone else. It’s understandable why she would feel that way, but what’s with the Cuthberts (and the honorary Cuthberts - I mean dear Jerry, of course) blaming themselves for what that sick bastard (does this count as a swear word? There’s no swearing on main, but I reckon I’ll allow this one. My clean words is not enough for Nate.)? It’s just not right. 

Oh, that’s the one where Anne dyes her hair green. Good. I figured it was high time for this episode to come along. After all, her hair grows out to half its previous length by the end of the season, so it had to happen already. Let’s see.

Anne and her tales would be a way better seller than the man who sold her the hair dye. 

You know, Anne is right about old things being special and full of life. I wholeheartedly agree that they have so much more in them than new things. But when it comes to books, for instance, I love new and old ones the same. Wait, who’s talking about books? Oh, I am, of course. I must still be hung up on Diana balancing one on her head. 

What does Marilla have against Italians? I’d really like to know. 

Oh, so this is not where he sells her the dye? Maybe later in this episode? We’re not even halfway through it yet. 

Gilbert is answering Anne’s letter. No ink stains on his side, I see, because he’s using a pencil instead. Wise. 

And the correspondence with Jeannie continues as well. This will end up in tears and possibly the “depths of despair”, but at least she’s enjoying it for now. 

Ah, Cole is here. This promises good things, even if he just does regular stuff. 

Oh, poor Cole. He feels he’s not man enough just because of who he is. But it’s not true. He’s a lot more of a man than certain people he shares a classroom with. And I’m not even talking about the students alone. Ah, speaking of the devil, there’s Phillips. 

Is this when Anne’s “agent of love” antics will be found out? Yes, it seems so. Well, it was good while it lasted. Gosh, it’s rare for Matthew to speak with such a tone, but it sure is scary. Maybe that’s exactly because it’s rare.

Ouch. Jerry did nothing to deserve getting screamed at just for asking an innocent question. But Anne does that sort of thing sometimes. And she’s hurt too, so it’s understandable.

Oh, it’s the fox. This sure is getting interesting. But it’s so heartbreaking to hear that Anne thinks Matthew of all people doesn’t love her any more. She should know better than that. 

Gosh, what’s with everybody? Why is Diana yelling at poor little Minnie May about fishmongers and marriage? MM is too young for any of this business. She’s too young to have her childhood taken away. So is Diana, to be honest. 

Minnie May is once again asking the real questions. “How come no one loves each other anymore?” I’d like to know that too, you wise little one. But if this is enough to break her mother’s stone cold mask, it would be nice. 

She’s done it. Minnie “God” May has made her mother realise a thing or two, and now Eliza is doing that for her husband. This is beautiful. 

There we are. Bash doesn’t even know Anne yet, and he’s already captain of the Shirbert ship. I love this. 

Oh, that’s the one with the baby delivery. This is when Gilbert finds his vocation. Here’s an extract from my diary from when I first watched this same episode:  I’m watching Anne with an E, episode 2x4, and I have to say Gilbert helping a woman give birth is one of the most heroic things I’ve seen in fiction lately. If Anne could have seen it, she would most certainly have thought of it as one of the most “romantical” things that can happen. Although I’m not sure the scene is the best thing to watch before bed… That’s all I’ve got to say. There’s nothing new I can add to it. 

Ok, I have got something to add after all. “You get that white man away from me!” speaks volumes about the relationship POC had with white people back then (and somewhere still have, quite unfortunately). All I’d like to say to poor Ruth here is that she’s got nothing to be scared of, but sadly, I can’t. I’ll have to let he find that out herself.

“He’s my brother and I trust him.” I already knew that Bash felt that way about Gilbert, but it’s beautiful to hear it out loud. 

The way Gilbert talks to Ruth about his own birth reminds me somehow of Dr. Doogie Howser, from another show I love almost as much as AWAE. I wonder if it’s because of their similar ages adding to the similar methods.

There. I believe she’s sure now that she can trust Gilbert. I’m glad dear Ruth saw that all white men are not the same. 

Doc. I bet Gilbert likes the sound of that. I’m so glad for him.

“She’s certainly been blessed with a life with you at Green Gables.” These words of Jeannie’s couldn’t be any truer. But I also believe Anne is a blessing for GG in return.  Also, in a way, her “agent of love” was successful. 

I’m so glad to see the Barrys goofing off and having fun for once. They truly needed that. I hope they do it more often, even if it’s not on screen. 

“I have you.” This was so beautiful of Matthew to say. Sure he doesn’t speak much, but when he does, he says the right words. You’ve got to love a man like that.

Oh, the locket(s)! This is truly beautiful. Sure this episode was lagely depressing, but it paid off in the end.

Let’s sum up this episode: Eliza Barry gets parenting wrong; Anne takes over Matthew’s previously non-existent correspondence with Jeannie; being a proper lady and being a man; the aftermath of Nate’s crimes; not the one where Anne dyes her hair; the Shirbert ship is sailing in letter form (although it’s “not a love letter”) and has a captain now; Minnie May is God; Gilbert discovers his vocation by delivering a baby; in Matthew we trust; the Barrys learn to live fully; the DiAnne lockets

[mksc77]

Andy sat up and rubbed his eyes as he watched Sharon bustling around the room, getting dressed and gathering her things like the miracle of life wasn't usually a long and agonizing process. "Uh...Sharon...Why don't you at least wait for Emily to call and see if she has an idea of how close she is?" He said sensibly. "It can take hours."

"Oh, really?" Sharon asked with feigned surprise as she pulled her hair up and secured it with a clip. "I had no idea!"

Andy ran his hand over his face, not in the mood to argue. He'd walked right into that one, and he knew it, but it seemed a little ridiculous for someone who was well aware of the fact that labor wasn't typically a quick process to be running around like a chicken with its head cut off in the middle of the night like she might miss something if she didn't leave right now. "I know you know that, obviously, but you might want to make sure you'll be able to get in. I know Emily said you probably wouldn't have any trouble after visiting hours, but that might depend upon who's working at the time. She does have to get approval, and you don't want to rush to the hospital just to sit in the waiting room for hours."

"I guess you're right..." Sharon knew there was no way she'd be going back to sleep, though, so she quickly finished getting herself ready and turned the lamp back off. "Go back to sleep. Call me when you get up in the morning." She kissed Andy's cheek and left the room. While she was waiting for Emily to call, she went to her and Emmett's bedroom to gather any last-minute items Emily might've forgotten. Her bag had been packed for over a month, but she still could've left behind some things she wanted. In their haste to leave, they'd left the damp sheets on the bed, so she stripped the bed and put the sheets in the washing machine. After packing a small bag with extra towels, hair ties, makeup wipes, her robe, and a few other things, she put fresh sheets on the bed and straightened up the bedroom and bathroom. Once that was done, she dug through the small fourth bedroom that had been taken over by baby stuff in the last few months. When she found the little rock 'n play that Emily was going to try for the baby to sleep in first, which her friends had sworn by, she set it up beside their bed and went back to the other bedroom to move the washed-and-waiting newborn clothes into Emily's and Emmett's room. After checking her phone for the thousandth time to make sure she hadn't missed a call and that it wasn't on vibrate, she gathered some newborn nightgowns, swaddles, pacifiers, and a couple of other things to have out and within easy reach for the first few days. With the baby stuff out and the cradle-like device beside the bed, the baby's pending arrival became a lot more real, and Sharon couldn't help but let out a tiny squeal as she looked around the room. She was going to have a new granddaughter under her roof in the next couple of days, and she couldn't be more excited about it.

When Emily finally called and confirmed that Sharon would be allowed to visit, she didn't waste any time getting to St. John's. She would just have to call the unit and use the Emergency Department entrance. Emily had debated between St. John's and Cedars, but one of the perks of having her first baby at 35 was that several of her friends had not only started having children, but that she had at least a couple of friends who had used one of the hospitals, and some had used both and could compare the pros and cons. Between her high school and college friends, she still had several in the LA area. "Mom, I told you not to speed!" Emily chastised when Sharon came in her room. "I just got the epidural, and they haven't even given me Pitocin yet. It's going to be a minute."

"I know, but I remember how frightened I was when I went into labor with you. Your dad was actually great during it, but I still wished Mimi could've been with me." Sharon put her things down, sat on Emily's bed, and brushed her hair back from her face. "If you want me to leave at any time, I will, and I'll understand."

"I am glad you're here. This hospital's visiting hours aren't as strict as Cedars, and that was a huge selling point," Emily admitted. Her friends had also told her that St. John's was just as good as Cedars, but that it wasn't as busy and felt more personal. "You wanted Mimi?! I can't imagine that. Not, like, in a bad way, it's just hard to think about you wanting your mom."

"I know, but I was more frightened and in more pain than I had ever been in my life. My hormones were all over the place, especially after you were born, and I don't think I'd ever been so happy to see my mom as when she got to LA the day we brought you home."

"Em, you're having a contraction," Emmett interrupted.

Emily shrugged. "Could've fooled me. This epidural is no joke. I can't even feel my feet."

Sharon got up and stood beside Emmett. He was watching a machine that was hooked up to Emily. "How can you tell? That shows when she's having a contraction?"

Emmett nodded and pointed at the screen, explaining to Sharon what one of the nurses had told him about what was on the screen. Once she understood what she was looking at, she watched it for a few more minutes before unpacking the extra things she'd brought for Emily and the baby and putting them with their other things.

"Oh, thanks, Mom, I meant to grab that stuff before we left," Emily said as she watched Sharon unpack.

"You're welcome. So, what happened? Were you having contractions at all last night, or did you just wake up and realize your water had broken, or what?"

"I felt fine last night, but I woke up at about midnight with a contraction. They weren't that regular and didn't hurt too bad, so I just read for a while. Emmett woke up a couple of hours after I did and was begging me to go to the hospital, but then my water broke not long after that."

Sharon nodded. "How much have you dilated?"

"Six centimeters. I thought the last contraction I had before I got the epidural was going to kill me...Did you have epidurals with us?" Emily winced. "I can't imagine doing this without being numb from the neck down."

"I didn't with you. I think they were pretty common by then, but no one really talked about childbirth to one another like they do now, so I didn't know much about them. By the time I couldn't take it anymore and asked for one, it was too late, because you were about to be born." Sharon gave Emily a wry smile. "With Ricky, I asked for one the second we got to the hospital. My nurse forgot to give me a catheter, and I didn't know to expect one, so I didn't ask. I guess I didn't really think about not being able to feel anything. I wanted to die when I peed all over Dr. Hughes. I only saw him once or twice before Ricky was close to finally deciding to come out, but he was the lucky one who was there at the time." Sharon's face flushed when she remembered Emmett was in the room. He was still glued to the screen that was monitoring Emily's contractions. "Sorry, Emmett. You're so quiet, I almost forgot you were over there."

Emmett shrugged. "That's not even close to the most disgusting thing I've heard since we got here. You're good."

Andy stopped by on his way to work soon after 8:00 that morning and placed a vase of flowers on a table before kissing Emily on the cheek.

"Thanks, Andy. They're beautiful."

"It was the best I could find at 8:00 in the morning," he said apologetically. "How are you feeling?"

"Blissfully numb."

"I imagine that's a good thing."

Sharon was back in front of the contraction monitor, peering closely at the screen and following the measurements with her finger. She was oblivious to Andy's arrival, despite the fact that she'd talked to him on the phone less than an hour ago and knew he was stopping by. Emily got an ice chip from the bowl beside her bed and pelted it at Sharon. "Hey, Dr. Quinn. We have a visitor." She rolled her eyes at Andy. "Mom and Emmett are obsessed with that contraction thing. I couldn't care less whether I'm having one, but they think they have to tell me every time."

Andy nodded. "That sounds about right."

Sharon jumped when the ice hit her cheek. "Wha—Emily—oh, hi, honey."

Emily's doctor came in to check her progress then, so Sharon and Andy stepped out into the hall. He had examined Emily more often than he normally would have during labor because of her 'advanced maternal age.' "I thought her doctor was a woman," Andy whispered as they left the room.

"She is, but Dr. Jensen was the one on call in her office when she went into labor," Sharon explained.

"Is he really a doctor?! He looks like he's twelve! We've got to find someone who's been out of medical school longer than two days—"

"Andy, he's a great doctor," Sharon said, looking amused. "Emily had to have an appointment with all of the obstetricians in the practice, since there was a possibility of someone besides her own doctor delivering the baby. She really liked him."

"But how long could he have been doing this?! I'm sorry if I'm a little concerned about having Doogie Howser deliver my granddaughter!"

"My god, Andy, would you rather do it yourself?"

"I've probably delivered more babies than he has!" With being in patrol for a few years when they started out, both Andy and Sharon had delivered a couple of babies, but the necessity for that had been rare for both of them. "He's probably too caught up in some hospital romance to even focus on Emily! What, you're the one who made me start watching Grey's Anatomy! This place is a romance war zone!" Andy said after Sharon gave him an odd look.

A few minutes later, they were allowed back in the room. "I'm serious, Sharon, Em needs a more experienced doctor! All you've talked about is how this isn't a typical delivery, with—"

"Andy, if the next thing out of your mouth has anything to do with my age, you're getting the ice," Emily warned, holding up the bowl of ice chips.

"I don't recommend it. She has a pretty good arm," Sharon advised.

"Okay, but seriously, can't you ask for someone who's delivered more than five babies before?!"

"I've actually delivered over a thousand," Dr. Jensen informed him, coming back in the room to get something he'd forgotten. He gave Andy a reassuring smile. "Don't worry. I'm not as young as I look, and I'm perfectly qualified." A horrified expression came over Andy's face when the doctor came back in, and Sharon, Emily, and Emmett burst into laughter.

The rest of the chapter is at ff.net

[oraclesoftime]

Futures Known But Unspoken

CHAPTER 30 Missing 2014 They rode the horses late into the night, but after a while Thorin finally deemed it was okay to have a break. Belle practically fell off the horse, it was tad bit bigger than the pony they had rode during the beginning of their journey. Lane snickered as she got off the horse next, “Still don’t have a grasp on how to ride a horse?” “Hey, Benny is taller than Spirit…” Belle grumbled, “At least my butt doesn’t hurt.” “Why do you keep naming every horse we ride?” Lane said as she rolled her eyes. “Because I like too!” Belle stated patting the horse’s nose, “It helps me relax around the animal… ”“And this is why I think you’re weird,” Lane countered. As the company settled for the night, Belle asked Lane how she was feeling. “I’m fine, Izz.” “Are you sure?  I could make you more tea…” “If you make me drink more of that nasty grass water, I will punch you. In your wounded shoulder,” Lane growled. “You wouldn’t dare, like come on Lane!” Belle groaned, “Just cause your stitches are out, doesn’t mean you’re a hundred percent!” Ori was tending to the fire as the two woman bickered, Dwalin bringing more wood for the fire. Belle continued to pester poor Lane, only for the taller woman to shout, “I’M FINE IZZ, NOW LEAVE IT ALONE!” At the moment the fire they were sitting by popped and crackled loudly as Dwalin added more wood to the fire. Belle jumped in her seat, making Lane snicker, “Well, that added to the atmosphere.” Belle took in a deep breath, “That scared me…” Lane laughed softly as she stared into the fire. Belle leaning her head against Lane’s shoulder. As the night continued, Belle felt an itch in her shoulder, but couldn’t reach it. She frowned, just before Oin appeared, “May I have a look at your stitches Lass?” Belle made a face, she hated having someone touch her wounded shoulder, considering she was super embarrassed at how much of clutz she had been and any slight touch hurt a lot. She sighed though when Lane gave her a pointed look. It was a look Belle was familiar with, especially after their time at Beorn’s and Lane had to hold Belle down at least twice for more salve to be applied. Belle nodded tiredly as she allowed Oin to unwrap her shoulder. Belle couldn’t see it, but Lane watched as Oin went to work, the taller woman whistling at the sight. “It’s really inflamed Izz…” Lane commented, “Are you feeling any pain? Fever?” Belle shook her head, “No.” “Just means she’s healing lassie,” Oin said as he placed more salve along Belle’s wound, “It is healing nicely...but I fear it will scar.” Belle sighed heavily, “Oh well. Not the first scar, I have kind of come to terms with it…” “It’s your little badge of honour,” Lane said as she gave Belle a smile, “You could always say that you got it fighting a troll or something, saving a damsel in distress.” “Damsel in distress?” Belle repeated, cocking her eyebrow at her friend, “Who the heck would that be? ”“Your future husband?” “And why would anyone in middle earth need me to save them?” Lane snickered, “You said it not me…” “I’m just saying, I don’t see me playing the prince, not to mention almost all the people we know are badass,” Belle stated as Oin finished wrapping her shoulder. “Ye be more a Princess,” Dwalin commented then cleared his throat. Lane laughed, “Princess Izz, this isn’t Disney.” “Dis...ney?” Dori questioned curiously. “It’s a term we use to call the stories of all sorts of Princesses and Heroines…” Belle explained, “The man who used to tell these stories was named Disney.” “Strange name,” Bofur commented.Belle giggled, “It is…” Lane gave Bofur a shit eating grin, “Not as weird as someone else’s I know,” she gave the dwarf a look. Bofur made a face at Lane as the taller woman laughed and Belle rolled her eyes at her friend as she said, “Besides, I’m not going to marry a prince or anything, so I’m no Princess.” “Well, what about that Mr. Leggles fellow?” Bilbo commented, “I thought he was a possible suitor? Or does he not know you fancy him?” Lane busted a gut as she leaned over laughing, holding her sides, “Oh man, Bilbo…” “What? What did I say?” Bilbo asked as Belle looked at him with surprise. “I can’t believe…” Lane gasped for air. “Bilbo...I think you’ve been hanging out with Lane too long,” Belle explained gently trying not to be angry with the Hobbit for slightly making fun of her ability of wooing men. Bilbo blinked in surprise at Belle’s comment, while Lane continued to snicker, “Who would you recommend Bilbo? A Dwarf?” Bilbo looked around the large groups of dwarves. He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “That is not my place...I am not Lady Isabella’s father.” Both women started laughing at the serious tone of Bilbo’s, even some of the dwarves joined in the laughter as well. At the back of Belle’s mind though, Bilbo mentioning that he wasn’t her dad, caused her to miss home a tiny bit, a sense of longing taking over. Balin gave Belle a gentle smile, “Lady Isabella would make a fine wife, she has a lot of good qualities.” Bilbo nodded, “Yes, she is quite the amazing cook. Lane would make a fine wife as well,” Bilbo was trying to include Lane, “She’s got a talent with needle and thread.” Belle burst out giggling as Lane replied, “Yeah, that’s not happening. Not interested in marrying anyone.” Bilbo gave both women a confused look, as Bofur chimed, “Don’t ye’ want to wear a weddin’ gown like all the lassies?” Lane threw a rock at Bofur as she answered him, “I’m not like all the lassies. If I end up in a committed relationship with someone, why should a piece of paper be so important and change anything? It’s redundant in my opinion...” Before the situation could get out of hand, Belle looked over at Bombur who had a spoon in his hand. She smiled at him and asked, “Bombur, how’s supper coming?” “It is ready,” Bombur replied. Everyone grew silent as Belle helped Bombur hand out the bowls of stew. The topic of marriage and gowns lost in the sound of everyone eating the stew. Later that night as everyone began to relax and set out their bedrolls, Belle’s longing for home grew. They’d been in Middle Earth for so long now, Belle was beginning to wonder if her family missed her or did they give up on searching for her? And what about Lane’s family, were they worried? Or did they think she was off galavanting with someone? To be quite honest she wouldn’t be surprised if they thought she was with Doogie, the man had a habit of randomly running away with the taller woman for long stretches of time. Belle stared up at the sky, they weren’t far from Mirkwood now and aside from the excitement of seeing Mirkwood Elves, Belle’s heart couldn’t bear the fear of seeing a giant spider. The ones back home, which were much more smaller in comparison, always gave her quite a scare when she saw them. She was not ready nor thrilled about possibly meeting the giant ones in person, officially. Belle tried to clear her mind, tried to focus on something aside from eight-legged creatures. She tried to focus on memories of home. Of her Grandfather’s homemade stew, of her mother’s loud voice calling for her to do a small chore. She tried to recount the number of different flowers she had helped place in her Grandparents’ garden - the garden she cared for even after her Grandma had passed. At some point, Belle completely drifted off into a deep sleep. She knew she was dreaming and yet it felt so real. It was quiet around her as she turned in circles, looking at the large trees surrounding her. She was in a forest area, perhaps this was from all the travelling. It had happened to her in the past, her dreams would sometimes take on the images of the world within her reality. All of a sudden, the sound of running water could be heard in the distance. Belle realized she was standing on a path, and the sound of water drew out her curiosity. She followed the path, the ground feeling almost like soft sand on a beach - it seemed her dreamself didn’t have a pair of shoes. The path opened up and lead to a small shore line, where in front of Belle was a gorgeous waterfall, cascading into a fairly large lake. Belle couldn’t help the small grin spreading across her face as she stuck her bare feet in the cool water. The lake was crystal clear and listening to the waterfall was sending a soothing feeling through Belle. Out of the corner of her eye, Belle noticed something moving in the water.  She squinted trying to get a more focused look on the thing moving. Belle didn’t feel frightened although she wondered why, she wondered why she felt calm and at ease? Something rose from the water, Belle blinked in utter surprise. Shaped from the water was a version of Belle, expect younger? Why did the water turn into a younger version of herself?  Why was at least five year old her standing before her? The water waved at Belle to come forward, Belle mindlessly stepped forward and then the small her disappeared. Belle looked down at the water and an image of Legolas appeared. Belle felt her face heat up at the sight of the elven prince, she knew she might meet him in person, but this image made her nervous. How would she act in front of him? The image continued to play, like a video, it showed Legolas speaking with his father as Thranduil killed the orc who would have spoken about the darkness. Belle couldn’t believe as the images on the water continued. Belle watched as Legolas found Tauriel and spoke with her about not getting involved. Belle knew that in the books Tauriel didn’t exist, but she was glad she had been in the movies. Tauriel talked sense about being part of something bigger and that spoke big in Belle’s core. She had always wanted to be part of something. The water rippled and small Belle reappeared, she smiled and Belle spoke to her smaller water self. “Do you remember what being home felt like?” The water Belle didn’t reply, but showed Belle one more silent image - Belle was beginning to think her dreams were messed up - showing her family and the times they had fun. Belle smiled happily and turned her gaze back to the water Belle, “Thank you…” Belle whispered gently, before her dream world began to fade. “Lady Isabella?” Bilbo spoke gently as he shook her shoulder slightly, “It’s time to get up.  We’re heading out soon.” Belle groaned, rubbing at her eyes and then began to stretch. The sun was just appearing in the sky, birds singing loudly and Belle couldn’t help but want to pull a Fiona from Shrek. The birds seemed so loud this particular morning. Maybe it had been the comment Kili had mentioned a few days ago about Lane and her performing for them. She should have gotten over it, but it was still on the back of her mind, she had grown quite fond of the group and the knowledge she had hurt her. Belle sighed heavily as Lane grumbled and groaned next to her, “I hate mornings…” Belle yawned before saying, “You would think we would have gotten better at mornings…” Bilbo chuckled, “You both really don’t like getting up.” Lane grumbled as Belle spotted Bombur packing up the pots and pans. She had finished packing her things and walked over, “Bombur, can I help you?” Bombur looked surprised, “It’s alright My Lady, I am almost done. Thank you for the offer.” “Okay,” Belle said and returned to where Lane and Bilbo were sitting. Belle rubbed at her eyes and Lane cocked an eyebrow, “Didn’t sleep?” “I did...but I just feel like I walked a thousand miles or something,” Belle shrugged, “Or I’m slipping back into old habits of hating mornings.” Lane shook her head at Belle and snickered as Bilbo offered Belle an apple. Belle took the apple giving the Hobbit a gentle smile, “Thank you Bilbo.” “You are most welcome,” Bilbo replied giving Belle a smile back. Thorin began to bark orders at everyone to get on their horses and Belle sighed, “Time to get going I suppose?” Lane nodded as the women headed to their horse, Belle patted Benny’s nose, “Ready to go Benny?” The horse snorted and Belle giggled as the breath warmed her face. Belle heard a chuckle, she turned to see Gandalf already on his horse, looking down at her, “I recall when you once feared a certain pony that you had to ride, and Lane here made you walk…” Belle was about to comment when Lane snickered, “I’ll do it again if she bitches about being on this horse.” “We don’t have time for you to kick me off a horse because I complained,” Belle pointed out before sticking her tongue out at Lane. “Better be careful Izz, I’ll bite that off,” Lane threatened with a wink. Belle’s eyes grew wide, “You wouldn’t dare!” “Don’t tempt me…” Lane grinned, shooting forward and giving an audible snap with her teeth. Chuckles echoed around the women as Belle took Lane’s hand and got up on their horse. Belle patted the back of the horse’s neck as Lane took the reins and moved Benny in the direction they needed to go. The group began to pick up the pace, Belle closing her eyes and just enjoying the damp air. A light mist of rain began to fall, not enough to make everyone soaked, but enough to hear Lane grumble, “Why can’t we have one nice semi-cloudy day.” “Because mother nature loves getting me soaking wet,” Belle replied. “Kinky,” Lane chuckled as Belle elbowed the taller woman. “Me next~” “Not in that way Lane!” Belle sighed and allowed her gaze to look around. She pondered for a moment and then said to Lane, “I wonder how close Beorn is...he’s out there or supposed to be right?” Belle couldn’t see Lane but she nodded, “He’s supposed to be at least…” “I hope he’s staying safe,” Belle stated gently, “I wouldn’t want to see him get hurt.” “Beorn is a badass,” Lane stated with a small laugh, “He’ll be fine Izz.”

[trendingnewsb]

5 Signs Hollywood Has No Idea How College Works

As Millennials are set to become the most educated generation in history, it has never been so important to properly prepare young folks for how college truly works. Which is harder than you might think, because Hollywood is constantly filling their smartypants heads with the wrong information. For example …

5

“The Dean” Is In Charge Of So Much Less Than Movies Think

Ah, the dean — the end-of-level boss any fun-loving college kid has to deal with at some point in their education. But are they really gods on campus, Judge-Dredd-like adjudicators who wield absolute power over the lives of their students, kicking them out for the slightest infraction / date rape?

In Monsters University, Mike and Sully are immediately expelled by Dean Hardscrabble for their spooky hijinks without so much as a tribunal or a conversation with the university president.

Disney/Pixar And they become the best scarers, so college degrees are basically meaningless.

In Animal House, whenever one of the Deltas’ “pranks” goes awry, it’s always Dean Wormer who arrives to deal with the situation.

“Hey, why are you going over our grades with us instead of our academic advisors?”

The dean in Necessary Roughness is in the process of shutting down the football program of a major college, which would be a feat slightly more impressive than teleporting the entire school to another dimension. Hell, the dean in Patch Adams has the power to punish Robin Williams merely for being too happy.

Read Next

Affleck Seems To Think It's Ok To Joke About Harassment Now

But in reality, the power of these administrators isn’t that big of a deal, mostly because there are so. Many. Deans. The title of dean is often honorary, and deanships come with so few actual responsibilities that schools hand them out like particularly easy scout badges to their senior staff members. In plenty of colleges, there are now deans for every silly department. In real life, if a club/frat/sorority was doing dangerous or stupid stuff, they’d probably have to deal directly with a faculty advisor, who would then probably report to some kind of designated disciplinary group, who would probably then report to some other board. Even worse, there are real deans out there who hate that they’re now deans instead of professors, because they’re totally unable to do anything they wanted to. The red tape they thought a dean could clip had more red tape behind it. So sure, don’t fuck around with a dean, but mostly because they’re likely miserable enough already.

4

These Days, Everybody Can Get Into College

According to Hollywood, the first major hurdle a college kid faces happens long before their first keg stand: admission. Waiting on the envelopes that decide your future can be so nerve-wracking! The tension! The drama! The disappointments and triumphs! Of course, it wouldn’t be as dramatic if those kids could simply turn to one of a hundred other colleges that are sure to accept them — which is exactly what they can do in reality.

Getting into college has literally never been easier in the entire history of higher education. By some estimates, there are up to 44 percent more seats available for every student who wants to go to college in the United States. Sure, it’s still a total crapshoot to get into prestigious universities like Harvard or Yale. But that pretty decent college two blocks down from your favorite Burger King? Walk in with a credit card, and you get as much learning as your brain can handle.

So consider the lead in Accepted, who, thanks to his straight-C average, is unable to get in anywhere, and thus constructs an entire fake school in order to fool his parents — a ruse which includes completely renovating an abandoned hospital(!!). The movie is set in Ohio, which has a number of schools that would probably happily take our poor hero. For example, there’s the nearby University of Akron, which has a 97 percent acceptance rate.

Universal Pictures Which is even more shocking when you consider that 5 percent of all applications are nothing but feces smeared on the form.

Glee is another show set in Ohio that bafflingly overlooks this. At one point, state-championship-winning quarterback and glee club leader Finn has a chance to play a football game in front of a scout from Ohio State, but his chances of wooing the school fall through when the scout ends up much more enamored of another player. So instead of accepting an almost guaranteed spot at a large number of Mid American Conference schools (or even Division II or III colleges in Ohio, including football powerhouse Mount Union), Finn gives up on the idea of college altogether and joins the Army, where he poetically winds up shooting himself in the foot.

Pfft, name one current pro player who went to a MAC school besides those 74.

3

A Fancypants Letter Of Recommendation Doesn’t Mean A Damn Thing

When it comes to letters of recommendation, Hollywood seems to think that colleges have the same mentality as a street gang — the only way you get in is if someone cool vouches for you (also, if you want to get into Harvard, you need to kill a snitch while the dean of admissions watches). A letter of recommendation is a guaranteed way to stand out from all the other applicants. Unfortunately, because Hollywood has convinced everyone it’s so important, it no longer is.

Partially as a result of too many misleading TV plots, the recommendation letter market has become completely saturated. Many colleges now receive thousands of letters a year. It’s nuts. This is especially the case for the Ivy League, where every other kid’s dad is golf buddies with someone in the Fortune 500. In 2017, a former Dartmouth admissions counselor admitted that even letters of recommendation from former presidents and olympians all blur together after a while. In fact, the one that’s made the most difference was from a school custodian whom a student had become friends with.

So why does Hannah Montana’s older brother Jackson feel the need to slave away for his next-door neighbor? He wants a recommendation letter, and ends up giving his neighbor massages and pedicures and doing his laundry. Even their dad gets dragged into it, forced to go on a date with the neighbor’s obnoxious sister. In the end, Jackson rips up the recommendation letter, which in reality would alter his chances of getting in about as much as ripping up the college janitor’s second napkin while he’s eating at Quizno’s.

And it’s not like Hollywood writers seem unaware of how pointless these letters are, given how often they let their characters fuck them up to make a point. When Doogie Howser has to write a recommendation letter for his best friend Vinnie, he winds up screwing him over by badmouthing his achievements. This doesn’t (as Hollywood tells us) destroy their friendship and Vinnie’s future, but happily teaches Dougie a lesson in friendship. Meanwhile, Me And Earl And The Dying Girl ends with the titular dying girl posthumously explaining in a recommendation letter to a film school why the titular “Me” had missed so much school — to hang out with her, a dying girl. If terminally ill people could guilt NYU into accepting C-students, a lot more Make-A-Wish kids would receive bribes to write recommendation letters.

2

Parents Are Going Back To School Alongside Their Kids, But It Ain’t For Wacky Shenanigans

Yet another hilarious plot device! Dad moves into college with his son, they get closer than they thought they would, and hilarity ensues despite the implication that the “adult” in this situation seemingly has nowhere else to go. Surprisingly, Hollywood kinda gets tidbits correct here and there on this subject — it just completely misses the point of second chance education.

In An Extremely Goofy Movie, our ol’ pal Goofy loses his job and finds out that he needs to go back to college in order to reenter the workforce. Forget about the fact that he was more or less a line worker in a factory; it sets up the entire central conflict that both Goofy and his son Max have a lot of learnin’ to do about each other.

Over in Arrested Development, Michael Bluth chooses to move in with his son George Michael at Cal while attending the University of Phoenix online. The forced close proximity that the duo used to value when living in the attic of the model home has now become a point of tension in their lives.

So the reality is somewhere in between. Parents are now taking more unique routes to further their education, be it part-time evening classes at a local college, or online classes, or even specialized certificate programs. They’re going back to school at higher rates than ever before. What they’re not doing is making much of an attempt to get into wacky shenanigans with their kids. They’re goddamned serious about this education stuff, with plenty of college kids pointing out that their parents are often working harder in classes than they are.

Weirdly enough, a number of parents are going back to school so that they’ll be better equipped to help their kids with homework. Math is hard, guys.

1

You Can’t Get Randomly Hired As A Professor

Being a college professor must be a sweet gig, right? You work few hours and earn crazy amounts of money, and if you land tenure, you’d have to set a student on fire before you could get fired. So it makes sense that a bunch of smartypants protagonists get to become professors at the end of their stories, retiring from hijinks to inspire the next generation of all-white genius heroes.

This happens to sort-of-alright architect Ted Mosby. After losing his job, as a consolation prize for being stood up at the altar, his love rival pulls a few strings and gets Ted a position teaching architecture at Columbia University. Columbia University. Because he knows a guy who knows a guy. We’re not even entirely sure Ted has more than a bachelor’s degree.

In the penultimate episode of Girls, after fans have spent an entire season worrying about her future, Hannah gets also gets this last-minute parachute thrown at her. Thanks to her being a “hot shot” writer, a cool upstate New York college has offered Hannah a job teaching “the internet” to kids who were probably contributing to BuzzFeed before she even figured out how to pick another background for her WordPress blog. Still, the job is steady (with benefits, she proudly exclaims), and will allow her to amply provide for herself and her newborn infant. We know people want their characters to get happy endings, but this is about as believable as Hannah becoming god empress of Mars because the head of NASA liked one of her tweets.

In real life, random goobers have a precisely zero percent chance of being given a steady gig teaching college. Becoming a professor is a difficult and costly process. Almost every position in academia goes to PhD graduates who have spent their entire education desperately trying to make sure they’d never have to look for a job in the real world. And if their discipline is in the humanities (as it is with writer Hannah and architect Ted), even a doctorate only gives these nerds about a 50/50 chance of landing a job in academia.

But even taking into account sitcom characters’ leprechaun levels of luck, wanting to get into teaching college isn’t that good of a career move. Starting professors make little over poverty wages, get no health benefits, and their job longevity is worse than that of a Bond villain. There’s no stumbling into that bad a deal; you have to be really committed to not wanting to become a Starbucks barista.

Isaac is still way too proud of his college degree. Follow him on Twitter.

You probably think we’re going to just link to that college sweater from Animal House and we just did, BUT you could really use a 6-pack of air freshener if you’re in a dorm. Thank us later!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.

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[trendingnewsb]

5 Signs Hollywood Has No Idea How College Works

As Millennials are set to become the most educated generation in history, it has never been so important to properly prepare young folks for how college truly works. Which is harder than you might think, because Hollywood is constantly filling their smartypants heads with the wrong information. For example …

5

“The Dean” Is In Charge Of So Much Less Than Movies Think

Ah, the dean — the end-of-level boss any fun-loving college kid has to deal with at some point in their education. But are they really gods on campus, Judge-Dredd-like adjudicators who wield absolute power over the lives of their students, kicking them out for the slightest infraction / date rape?

In Monsters University, Mike and Sully are immediately expelled by Dean Hardscrabble for their spooky hijinks without so much as a tribunal or a conversation with the university president.

Disney/Pixar And they become the best scarers, so college degrees are basically meaningless.

In Animal House, whenever one of the Deltas’ “pranks” goes awry, it’s always Dean Wormer who arrives to deal with the situation.

“Hey, why are you going over our grades with us instead of our academic advisors?”

The dean in Necessary Roughness is in the process of shutting down the football program of a major college, which would be a feat slightly more impressive than teleporting the entire school to another dimension. Hell, the dean in Patch Adams has the power to punish Robin Williams merely for being too happy.

Read Next

Affleck Seems To Think It's Ok To Joke About Harassment Now

But in reality, the power of these administrators isn’t that big of a deal, mostly because there are so. Many. Deans. The title of dean is often honorary, and deanships come with so few actual responsibilities that schools hand them out like particularly easy scout badges to their senior staff members. In plenty of colleges, there are now deans for every silly department. In real life, if a club/frat/sorority was doing dangerous or stupid stuff, they’d probably have to deal directly with a faculty advisor, who would then probably report to some kind of designated disciplinary group, who would probably then report to some other board. Even worse, there are real deans out there who hate that they’re now deans instead of professors, because they’re totally unable to do anything they wanted to. The red tape they thought a dean could clip had more red tape behind it. So sure, don’t fuck around with a dean, but mostly because they’re likely miserable enough already.

4

These Days, Everybody Can Get Into College

According to Hollywood, the first major hurdle a college kid faces happens long before their first keg stand: admission. Waiting on the envelopes that decide your future can be so nerve-wracking! The tension! The drama! The disappointments and triumphs! Of course, it wouldn’t be as dramatic if those kids could simply turn to one of a hundred other colleges that are sure to accept them — which is exactly what they can do in reality.

Getting into college has literally never been easier in the entire history of higher education. By some estimates, there are up to 44 percent more seats available for every student who wants to go to college in the United States. Sure, it’s still a total crapshoot to get into prestigious universities like Harvard or Yale. But that pretty decent college two blocks down from your favorite Burger King? Walk in with a credit card, and you get as much learning as your brain can handle.

So consider the lead in Accepted, who, thanks to his straight-C average, is unable to get in anywhere, and thus constructs an entire fake school in order to fool his parents — a ruse which includes completely renovating an abandoned hospital(!!). The movie is set in Ohio, which has a number of schools that would probably happily take our poor hero. For example, there’s the nearby University of Akron, which has a 97 percent acceptance rate.

Universal Pictures Which is even more shocking when you consider that 5 percent of all applications are nothing but feces smeared on the form.

Glee is another show set in Ohio that bafflingly overlooks this. At one point, state-championship-winning quarterback and glee club leader Finn has a chance to play a football game in front of a scout from Ohio State, but his chances of wooing the school fall through when the scout ends up much more enamored of another player. So instead of accepting an almost guaranteed spot at a large number of Mid American Conference schools (or even Division II or III colleges in Ohio, including football powerhouse Mount Union), Finn gives up on the idea of college altogether and joins the Army, where he poetically winds up shooting himself in the foot.

Pfft, name one current pro player who went to a MAC school besides those 74.

3

A Fancypants Letter Of Recommendation Doesn’t Mean A Damn Thing

When it comes to letters of recommendation, Hollywood seems to think that colleges have the same mentality as a street gang — the only way you get in is if someone cool vouches for you (also, if you want to get into Harvard, you need to kill a snitch while the dean of admissions watches). A letter of recommendation is a guaranteed way to stand out from all the other applicants. Unfortunately, because Hollywood has convinced everyone it’s so important, it no longer is.

Partially as a result of too many misleading TV plots, the recommendation letter market has become completely saturated. Many colleges now receive thousands of letters a year. It’s nuts. This is especially the case for the Ivy League, where every other kid’s dad is golf buddies with someone in the Fortune 500. In 2017, a former Dartmouth admissions counselor admitted that even letters of recommendation from former presidents and olympians all blur together after a while. In fact, the one that’s made the most difference was from a school custodian whom a student had become friends with.

So why does Hannah Montana’s older brother Jackson feel the need to slave away for his next-door neighbor? He wants a recommendation letter, and ends up giving his neighbor massages and pedicures and doing his laundry. Even their dad gets dragged into it, forced to go on a date with the neighbor’s obnoxious sister. In the end, Jackson rips up the recommendation letter, which in reality would alter his chances of getting in about as much as ripping up the college janitor’s second napkin while he’s eating at Quizno’s.

And it’s not like Hollywood writers seem unaware of how pointless these letters are, given how often they let their characters fuck them up to make a point. When Doogie Howser has to write a recommendation letter for his best friend Vinnie, he winds up screwing him over by badmouthing his achievements. This doesn’t (as Hollywood tells us) destroy their friendship and Vinnie’s future, but happily teaches Dougie a lesson in friendship. Meanwhile, Me And Earl And The Dying Girl ends with the titular dying girl posthumously explaining in a recommendation letter to a film school why the titular “Me” had missed so much school — to hang out with her, a dying girl. If terminally ill people could guilt NYU into accepting C-students, a lot more Make-A-Wish kids would receive bribes to write recommendation letters.

2

Parents Are Going Back To School Alongside Their Kids, But It Ain’t For Wacky Shenanigans

Yet another hilarious plot device! Dad moves into college with his son, they get closer than they thought they would, and hilarity ensues despite the implication that the “adult” in this situation seemingly has nowhere else to go. Surprisingly, Hollywood kinda gets tidbits correct here and there on this subject — it just completely misses the point of second chance education.

In An Extremely Goofy Movie, our ol’ pal Goofy loses his job and finds out that he needs to go back to college in order to reenter the workforce. Forget about the fact that he was more or less a line worker in a factory; it sets up the entire central conflict that both Goofy and his son Max have a lot of learnin’ to do about each other.

Over in Arrested Development, Michael Bluth chooses to move in with his son George Michael at Cal while attending the University of Phoenix online. The forced close proximity that the duo used to value when living in the attic of the model home has now become a point of tension in their lives.

So the reality is somewhere in between. Parents are now taking more unique routes to further their education, be it part-time evening classes at a local college, or online classes, or even specialized certificate programs. They’re going back to school at higher rates than ever before. What they’re not doing is making much of an attempt to get into wacky shenanigans with their kids. They’re goddamned serious about this education stuff, with plenty of college kids pointing out that their parents are often working harder in classes than they are.

Weirdly enough, a number of parents are going back to school so that they’ll be better equipped to help their kids with homework. Math is hard, guys.

1

You Can’t Get Randomly Hired As A Professor

Being a college professor must be a sweet gig, right? You work few hours and earn crazy amounts of money, and if you land tenure, you’d have to set a student on fire before you could get fired. So it makes sense that a bunch of smartypants protagonists get to become professors at the end of their stories, retiring from hijinks to inspire the next generation of all-white genius heroes.

This happens to sort-of-alright architect Ted Mosby. After losing his job, as a consolation prize for being stood up at the altar, his love rival pulls a few strings and gets Ted a position teaching architecture at Columbia University. Columbia University. Because he knows a guy who knows a guy. We’re not even entirely sure Ted has more than a bachelor’s degree.

In the penultimate episode of Girls, after fans have spent an entire season worrying about her future, Hannah gets also gets this last-minute parachute thrown at her. Thanks to her being a “hot shot” writer, a cool upstate New York college has offered Hannah a job teaching “the internet” to kids who were probably contributing to BuzzFeed before she even figured out how to pick another background for her WordPress blog. Still, the job is steady (with benefits, she proudly exclaims), and will allow her to amply provide for herself and her newborn infant. We know people want their characters to get happy endings, but this is about as believable as Hannah becoming god empress of Mars because the head of NASA liked one of her tweets.

In real life, random goobers have a precisely zero percent chance of being given a steady gig teaching college. Becoming a professor is a difficult and costly process. Almost every position in academia goes to PhD graduates who have spent their entire education desperately trying to make sure they’d never have to look for a job in the real world. And if their discipline is in the humanities (as it is with writer Hannah and architect Ted), even a doctorate only gives these nerds about a 50/50 chance of landing a job in academia.

But even taking into account sitcom characters’ leprechaun levels of luck, wanting to get into teaching college isn’t that good of a career move. Starting professors make little over poverty wages, get no health benefits, and their job longevity is worse than that of a Bond villain. There’s no stumbling into that bad a deal; you have to be really committed to not wanting to become a Starbucks barista.

Isaac is still way too proud of his college degree. Follow him on Twitter.

You probably think we’re going to just link to that college sweater from Animal House and we just did, BUT you could really use a 6-pack of air freshener if you’re in a dorm. Thank us later!

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