#the damn personality disorder's name is the problem here

[lottieurl]

one of my controversial opinions is i won't stop using the word narcissist in a way its been used my whole life because of a psychiatric label/diagnosis that shouldn't be called that in the first place

[othernicknameisgaslighter]

Incorrect HXH quotes with y/n

1. Gon: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life Killua: Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years! y/n: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this! Leorio: I knew I lost that potential somewhere! Kurapika: My moral code, is that you? Gon: ... Gon: I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my dad left me but do you guys need a hug?

2. Kurapika: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do? y/n: Have everyone stand. Gon: Bring three more chairs! Leorio: The most important ones can sit down. Killua: Kill three.

3. Gon: What does 'take out' mean? Killua: Food. y/n: Dating Kurapika: Murder Leorio: IT CAN MEAN ALL THREE IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD.

4. Gon: Where's Killua, y/n, and Leorio? Kurapika: They're playing hide and seek. Gon: Where? Kurapika: I don't think you get how this game works.

5. Gon: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? y/n: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Gon: Three of us saw it, y/n. How do you explain that? y/n: *points at Kurapika* Sleep deprivation. *points at Leorio* Paranoia. *points at Killua* Delusional personality disorder.

6. killua, talking about y/n: WHAT THE FUCK I WAS ARGUING WITH THEM AND I SAID “OOH YOU WANNA KISS ME SO BAD” AND GUESS WHAT? THEY DID. THEY KISSED ME. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO I DO.

7. y/n: Are you ready to commit? killua: Like, a suicide attempt *flashback to the train* or a relationship?

8. y/n: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. gon: Wow. They sound stupid. y/n: But he's not. He's really smart actually. Just dense. gon: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” y/n: I guess you’re right. Hey gon, I love you. gon: See! Just say that! y/n: Holy fucking shit. gon: If that flies over their head then, sorry y/n, but they're too dumb for you. y/n: gon.

9. y/n: My hands are cold. kurapika: Here, let me hold them. y/n: My lips are cold too. kurapika: *covers y/n's mouth with his hand*

10. y/n, trying to flirt with kurapika: I think both of our families suck.

11. Killua: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars. y/n: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

12. Store Worker: Would a Mr. Killua please come to the front desk? Killua, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem? Store Worker: points to y/n and Gon Store Worker: I believe they belong to you? y/n and Gon, simultaneously: We got lost :( Killua: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

13. y/n: Killua and I don’t use pet names. Gon: I see. Hey, what do bees make? y/n: Honey? Killua: Yes? Killua: Gon: Don't ever lie to my face again.

[breakandbuildfiction]

Another Rant About DPxDC Tropes

I didn’t write out all my thoughts on everything in the DPxDC fandom last time, so I decided to write this follow up with some more of them. This time I will primarily be focusing on how people go about using specific characters and their inter-character relationships.

Watering Down and Glorifying Female Characters:

I’ve noticed that this is a theme across a LOT of not only DPxDC fics and prompts, but across a lot of the fanworks for the individual franchises. People will ignore the flaws and shortcomings of female characters and overblow their positive traits purely to make them look more badass or scary compared to the male characters or to make other characters relient on them. Here are some examples:

Poison Ivy: People like to write Poison Ivy as some cool bad girl bent on environmentalism, that she’s pricily but full of ‘cool aunt’ energy. But they ignore the fact that her entire thing is drugging, mind controlling, sexually assulting, and murdering people in the name of environmental terrorism and in some itterations global genocide. She is not by any means someone a hero should be chill with outside of absolutly desperate situations, and even then she should be the second choice after Swamp Thing.

Harley Quinn: She is literally a psycopath suffering from an obsessive love disorder– that she has done a great deal to overcome– who has no problems maiming, crippling, and killing anyone who gets between her and whatever it is she wants at the moment. At her most ‘restrained’ she is working with Batman to hunt down the Joker– with her intent being to kill him– or is on the Suicide Squad taking some weird comfort in being around equally fucked up people and being assured in the knowledge that her murderous tendencies are being used for some level of ‘good’. She was also a very shitty psyciatrist who in many itterations slept her way into passing college and didn’t even last a full year as a lisenced practitioner before joining the Joker. Yes she is trying to be a better person, but she is NOT by any means a good person.

Black Canary: I think the thing I dislike most about how people treat Black Canary is that they hyperfixate on the pseudo-mom characteristics and emergency therapist role she was given in the Young Justice cartoon. I’ll admit that I haven’t read a ton of her comics, but I HAVE read some and I have watched the Justice League Unlimited cartoon as well. With that in mind I feel like people are tragically focusing on the wrong parts of her personality. She is shown to be stand offish, headstrong, confrontational, brash, and manipulative. She isn’t hero-mom coded, she is a femm fatal back street brawler who is fully open to playing off her allies ego to make them do what she wants if she can and leveraging her power and skill at violence to get what she wants. Yes she is a hero and yes she has a softer side, but god damn!

Wonder Woman: This actually goes for all Amazons of Themyscira but here it goes. Wonder Woman grew up in an extremely isolationist, xenophobic, and misandrist (Even if you ignore the run that said the island’s inhabitants are all literal murdering rapists who drown babies. I don’t think that run has been canon for a while anyways.) island nation that was literally blessed by the gods to never have to deal with things like political upheavals, drought, famine, foreign relations, or any other complexaties that real countries have to deal with. Now, to her credit, Wonder Woman isn’t NEARLY as bad as some of her countrywomen, but that doesn’t mean her upbrining hasn’t influenced her worldview and she certainly has never condemned the policies of her nation. She doesn’t treat men as scum outright by any means, but she DOES ignore the shortcomings of women and sees most if not all the troubles of the world as being the fault of the male sex. Just because the woman is empathic does not mean she isn’t a bitch. Also, base Wonder Woman would and has been dogged by base Superman many times. She is maybe the fourth or fifth most powerful JL member goes by base state abilities behind Superman, Martian Manhunter, Shazam, and maybe the Flash. That said, there are forms of Wonder Woman who would make all other base state JL members look like preschoolers pretending to be tough.

Jazz Fenton: Jazz is not a good psychologist or therapist in her teenage years. If you want to age her into her mid-twenties or later after she goes through a proper program, then by all means make her better at helping people with mental and emotional issues. But as a teen she is god aweful at those things. There is a grand total of ONE instance where she showcases actual skill at being able to pin down and identify someone’s issues and that was with Freakshow, whom in that very conversation she admits to having grown up with many of the same feelings he did regarding envy of ghosts and the attention people in her life give them. She never figured out Danny was a hero due to her skill at psychology or determining the cause of his stress, she stumbled onto him transforming after days or even weeks of forcing herself into his business and him asking and then demanding her to leave him alone. Not only this but, and I feel like this should be a very big thing with how much people love to shoehorn in trans-Danny stuff, she routinely calls people by the wrong name even when corrected by others and is told to her face by the people she is misnaming that she is wrong. Some of her names are even dehumanizing like calling Skulker ‘Ghost X’ like he’s nothing but a test subject!

Also, while I’m pretty sure she would qualify as a skilled CQC fighter, I don’t think she ever improved her aim. So while having her judo throw someone or deck them in the schnoz is good, she would probably miss if she had to shoot anyone with a Fenton Blaster at anything further than point blank range. And no, the Peeler doesn’t count, that shit was a full on mechsuit and shots that had a margin of error bigger than a car.

Valerie Grey: This one is a big one for me and probably the big reason I wanted to write this entire section so here it goes:

Valerie Grey ain’t SHIT as a hero.

Now, as a character, she is perfectly fine. She has a full arc with reasonable and understandable reactions to various events that shape her growth as a character. Granted these events make her into a shoot-first, speciesist, possibly slur-throwing, self-righteous, asshole for a while (you know how the ACAB movement sees cops? That was Valerie for a long time, just without government backing and with an oligarch sponsor instead.) but she did eventually get better after the whole thing with Dani and finding out that Vlad is Plasmious. So again, as a character she is good.

As a HERO however, she is really freaking bad. We never really see her do anything major after her revelation with Dani and before that she never actually wins any fights. Danny is always so far out of her league in fights that the only reason she isn’t dead is because he knows who she is under the mask and holds back because he doesn’t want to hurt her. He was capable of blowing up her original suit in a single blast for crying out loud! And even in her second suit he barely had any trouble keeping pace with her WHEN HE WAS ACTIVLY TRYING NOT TO HURT HER! We also never see her defeat any named ghost, I barely remember her even fighting anyone other than Danny, and she is overall just fodder as far as combat goes.

She isn’t scary, she isn’t intimidating, she isn’t the type of girl who could ‘kick Danny’s ass’, she is at best a pissed off woman with a lot of guns and fancy gadgets who thinks she's hot shit despite never winning a significant fight. 

Heroes are friends with all the Rogues… Except Joker:

Just… why? Why do people want the heroes to be friends with mass-murdering nutjobs? Be it Danny with Ivy who is basically Undergrowth with tits and a pulse, or Tucker with Technus, or Tim Drake with Harley Quinn it doesn’t make any sense! This isn’t a case of ‘Oh, when they aren’t on the job they are cool people’ like with Flash’s rogues. Nor do they have admirable moral codes or anything else. That kind of stuff is exclusive to Flash’s gallery. Why does everyone write hero or retired Danny as being friendly with villains and thinking they are cool people?! Killer Crock has a tragic backstory but he EATS PEOPLE. Scarecrow makes stuff you could call ghost drugs but he conducts routine chemical weapon attacks on civilian populations! Deathstroke is a pedo or groomer in at least two major timelines! Ra’s runs a cult that kills its OWN MEMBERS whenever they fail near-impossible tasks! Just because they aren’t as full on 24/7 creepy fucker murderers doesn’t mean they are any better than him!

On that note, why do people insist on having Sam idolize Poison Ivy or Jazz admire Harley Quinn? I don’t have a high opinion of Sam and how she goes about her activism and forcing her lifestyle and beliefs on others, but she doesn’t go around drugging people, stealing their money, forcing them to ruin their families, and then killing them! And I like to think that even if Jazz isn’t a good psychologist she would have better taste than to idolize someone who broke a very basic tenant of mental health professionals by getting too attached to her patient and went on to COMMIT MASS MURDER and help TORTURE PEOPLE in an effort of turning on her psychotic boyfriend! 

Hating Superman on Kon-El’s behalf:

I get that this trope stems from season 1 of Young Justice, which I will freely admit is an amazing season of a very good show, but I think people forget a few things: 1, Superman’s hatred/distrust of Conner manifests in avoiding him at all costs, not being rude or badmouthing him or anything of the sort, he just doesn’t want to deal with him and what Conner represents. 2, Superman grows out of his hatred/distrust of Conner in like, a year. It was an initial kneejerk reaction paired with extreme awkwardness and distress, but his stance on his clone-son with Lex does get better. And 3, the one who actually hates clones is Supergirl, Kara Zor-El. She straight up gave Conner his Kryptonian name and told him TO HIS FACE that it meant ‘Abomination in the House of El’. She basically named him a slur and said that was all he was. And as far as I am aware, she never apologizes for this nor does their relationship ever really improve beyond ‘we will work together if we absolutely have to’.

Dani and Dan call Danny ‘mom’ ((CONTENT WARNING: Mentions of SA!!!)):

Okay this one is a bit weird for this rant because I will freely admit that depending on if certain other tropes are used concurrently to this one, it makes sense, but by default I say it doesn’t. Ignoring how Danny is by default and in most cases male, his contribution to the ‘conception’ and gestation of Dani or Dan’s clone body (if you ignore A Glitch In Time and have Dan in his original body, Danny still didn’t do any gestation or anything, but things are admittingly different) only went so far as providing some DNA. Vlad did the whole cultivation thing and making sure the decanting happened safely and all that good, very important, stuff. So wouldn’t Danny be the dad in this scenario? Since the equivalent to a regular birth here would be Danny hitting and quitting with Vlad (que barfing reflex at the thought of Danny/Vlad stuff) purposely getting a baby made without Danny’s knowledge for his own benefit and desire for a child? Even if you go by the more accurate real life correlation to SA, Danny still played a male role here because he didn’t carry/grow the baby/clone.

The only reasons I can see for Danny to be labled the ‘mom’ in this situation are; Danny is more nurturing than Vlad– which by a sexist standard means he’s the maternal one–, Danny was the victim in the unauthorized baby making and is thus in the female role– again, a sexist standard–, or because people think ‘single parent’ and immediately assume ‘single mother’. (To be clear, I know that statistically women suffer all forms of SA far more often than men, which is beyond terrible, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen the other way around as well.)

Now, to be fair, if you are also doing trans-man Danny, none of this holds weight and them calling Danny ‘mom’ could stem from that, or because saying Vlad had a kid with a teenaged trans-man makes Vlad look SO much worse and by calling Danny ‘mom’ they are trying to imply that kind of narrative. Which is not a terrible way of writing a story where Danny, Dani, and Dan all hate Vlad, go for the throat and make him look as bad as possible if that’s your goal. I’m just saying that in the default state of Danny being male and Vlad being the one who looked over the cloning pods, Danny is the dad and Vlad is the mom.

[nikkiiiscute]

Eddie Dear Character Analysis TW: Mental Health, Sharp objects, Mentions of war, Death of parent.

Y'all better thank me for this analysis cuz I can feel the Carpal Tunnel comin'

He's clumsy to the max - He says it himself that he ran into 3 walls (FOURTH WALL REFERENCE!?) not to mention there's a gag where sometimes He and Frank bump into each other 😏. His Clumsiness has caused his Mail Contents to spill, many times: a Picture shows Frank Frankly using his Butterfly Net to help collect Eddie's dropped envelopes.

Mail Courier is a government job? - Prepare to be hit with a bold hypothesis but what if Eddie was isekai'd into Welcome Home? I feel like you can go in and out of the Puppet World so, everyone got isekai'd here? Look, I feel like some dude in / outside the puppet world is paying this dude and probably everyone that has a Job.

Nice skill set dude - Eddie solos the Arts & Crafts segment, meaning he has the best Hand Coordination and Dexterity to handle delicate paper and sharp tools. It's worth theorizing over that Eddie is always there when an obstacle requires manual labor to overcome (according to his bio). So we have a Government Employee that doubles as a Day Laborer, BUT he is also a specialist in Communications Technology - The Restoration Project News Page jokes that if Eddie Dear was with them, he might be able to help program the Website better. So an IT Technician as well? Well damn Ed, Nice Skill Set bro.

Eddie has PTSD? - Okay let's go back to the theme of Mental Health, Eddie might have undiagnosed PTSD (recognized as a mental disorder only in 1980), and possibly is suppressing his own memory, why tho? A bit of a stretch TBH, but if we can see what kind of Person he was, as in a Human Being, not just a mindless puppet he might be something else, but maybe we can guess why.

Ethnicity Analysis Time!!! - Eddie is the most Humanlike in body Proportions, the dude is built like a Marine like damn no wonder he has simps! He also has the most realistic body colors: Ruddy Orange Skin and Red Hair. kinda like the NPCs in Gerudo Valley from Breath of The Wild. For y'all who don't know, Ruddy Skin basically means that you look like ya got sunburned. Ruddy Skin and Red Hair are Traits of Orient-African Descent, or Afro-Irish Descent and y'all already know he has a Southern Accent.

Eddie's Story - Eddie Daor was born in 1942 but due to him having ruddy skin, His mother unfortunately died at birth, I have a headcanon that maybe Eddie blamed himself for his mom dying. Skipping to 1953, at 17 he enlisted into the military as a Communications tech to leave behind his memories about his mother. 2 years later, he reunited with his childhood sweetheart Frank Franklin who was working as an entomologist at a university (Analysis on them later) then in 1969 (before the show debuted) He married Frank in secret. in October 11 1969 He, Frank and some friends you know were isekai'd into the show by the Creator Ronald Dorelaine, transforming into their puppet counterpart with his real name switched out to Eddie Dear instead alongside everyone else, It was covered up as the cast being hired to puppeteer the iconic puppets. On ????? 15 1974, welcome Home abruptly ended along with the cast as the crew and the cast were found dead and an even bigger problem, Ronald Dorelaine was reported MISSING and presumed dead.

Wooooooo! Eddie had it rough tho :( but good thing when it comes to friendship he always deliver! Thank you for reading this character analysis :)!!!!

[joshscrookednipple]

Cupid Screwed Up: Chapter 2

Summary: What happens when two rivals who chants even be in the same room together get paired up as soul mates for the rest of their lives..one thing they do know is that cupid screwed up.

Pairing: Josh Kiszka/Female OC

word count: 2,682

Warnings: Shitty editing, Vulgar language, angst, asshole josh, seizures, ambulances, mentions of negative body talk. (as always let me know if i missed anything!)

Not edited !!

A/N: before you read this here are a few things you need to know-

FND (functional neurological disorder) refers to a group of common neurological movement disorders caused by an abnormality in how the brain functions. some of the symptoms are-

Weakness or Paralysis

Abnormal movement, such as tremors or difficulty walking.

Seizures or episodes of shaking and apparent loss of consciousness

Episodes on unresponsiveness

i got diagnosed with FND about a year ago and i wanted to put a little bit of myself into Tara, feel free to message me if you have any questions. Enjoy!!! :)

have you ever seen those commercials where people screw up the most simple and idiotic tasks?

yeah

thats basically what happened here.

let me give you a little recap of what happened after i found out my impending doom. (aka getting josh as my perfect match) in bullet point form.

* i cried

* i threw my phone across the room and cracked it

* i stopped to feed clawdia because she looked hungry

* cried some more

* threw some more things

* surprisingly fell asleep

and now it’s the next morning and i’m matching my ass to the C.U.P.I.D headquarters and set things straight. i pull into the driveway that itself, probably cost a million dollars.

i step out of my car when i see another one pull up by me. i bet you can never guess who it was.

“So eager to see me aren’t you bunny?”

Wow. who would’ve guessed.

“i’m here to tell this fucking dumbass company that they fucked up our matches, not to tell them i want to conceive your kids and push them out of my fucking pussy this very second

he just stares at me and i swear i can see a glint of..something in his eyes but as soon as it came it was gone.

he locks his car as starts walking towards me which leads to me walking faster.

“You wound me bunny!!”

“at least Jake had the kindness in his heart to apologize to me last night. i heard he has a match..alexis is it? how does it feel that your twin brother is higher up than you” i spit out with my back still to him and a smirk on my face.

“yeah well if i had a match i couldn’t fuck all the girls i have been”

oh my god.

ew

i ignore him and open the door and..jesus it’s like i walked into one of those young adult dystopian movies. the floors are pristine white..well the entire building seems to be white with light red accents. fitting.

people were swooping around getting personality tested for their perfect match, some meeting their matcha for the first time. all of them seem so happy. i walk up to the front desk and the lady whose name tag i read says “Valentine” turns and smiles at me with this obnoxiously big smile that has obnoxiously perfect teeth.

“Welcome to C.U.P.I.D headquarters? do you have an appointment” she smiles stupidly at me and tilts her head.

“well no i-“

“did you call in before hand?”

“no-“

i can hear the snickers of my rival behind me.

“name and occupation”

“Tara and i really don’t see how-“

and of course she interrupts once again

“how did you find out about us?”

that’s when i lost it.

“how the FUCK would anyone not know about this place? it’s not like you all have advertisements fucking everywhere or anything!! sometimes i just want to shit in peace without having to see your fucking eyes staring into my god. damned. soul!”

i’m breathing heavily and i lick my lips looking at her expecting her to finally just maybe stop asking me stupid questions and worry about the real problem.

“you seem upset, do you want to do some breathing exercises?”

i throw my hands up in the air and josh is doubled over, his face red from him trying not to laugh. he’s clearly going to be no help so i turn back to valentine who i’m half convinced is a robot and take a deep breath.

“look” i start “i think you all made a mistake with my match. i go matched with this used paper towel back here, and i’m sure it’s a bug in the system but i would really appreciate if you would go and change it please”

i finish and give her a forced smile and a few minutes of silence goes by before she finally speaks

“there’s nothing we can do, C.U.P.I.D has a 100% acceptance rate”

“well apparently fucKING NOT”

a few heads turn to look at me and okay maybe just possibly i was over reacting but you don’t understand how dire this situation is. i grab my purse and push open the doors and gulp in a deep breath of air.

not even a minute later josh is by my side

“you should give up drawing and go into theatre bunny”

“fuck off”

i pull my jacket tighter around me when i look at my phone. greta it’s December 1st which means it’s the dreaded date night. i go into my car and slam the door before putting my head on the steering wheel.

one secret that i’ll take with me to the grave is that i have a debilitating crush on josh when i was in highschool, i mean god he was so fucking awful to me but at least he gave me SOME attention, my dad was always out with one of his side pieces and my mom would hide in her bedroom crying most nights. C.U.P.I.D swears by their 100% success rate, but if that was true why would i have to fall asleep to the sounds of my dad threatening bash my moms head in. is that truly what love is? because if that’s their definition of it, they need some serious fucking help.

the drive home was quiet except for the barely there self help podcast that was coming out of the radio of my car. i pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex and trudge up to my room, which felt like it took forever. as soon as i unlock the front door and open it i see sam sitting on the couch with maggie straddling his hips and their both in what seems like a life or death make out session. i slam my keys on the counter which makes sam jump slightly and for maggie to pull away and give me a huge grin.

“There’s my favorite girl! Are you so excited for your date with josh today” she coos and looks over sams shoulders at me

“just thrilled, also next time text me when you and long legs over here are going to fuck on the couch”

sam shoots his head around and smirks “i’m supposed to be the one giving nicknames bunny”

“actually Danny gave me mine, nice try” i laugh and ruffle his hair before going into my room and stand in front of the mirror before looking at my phone screen. it’s currently 12:30 in the afternoon which means i have about five and a half hours until the god forbidden date. i curl up in a ball in my bed and let myself fall into a dreamless sleep.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I groan and sit up, stretching my arms up and rubbing my eyes before turning my alarm off. 4:30. that means i have to force myself out of bed and start getting ready. i use all of my strength to force myself out of bed and i rub my eyes and pad across the soft carpet into the cold bathroom and turn on the shower head onto the hottest setting before peeling my clothes off of my body and step into the shower that could be accurately described as bathing in lava. i quickly run through my shower routine, when i finish i throw my ratted robe on and throw my hair into a towel and that’s when i feel it start, i look down at my legs and see them shaking like how you see a leaf shake outside in the winter.

one of the first things i told Maggie about when i moved in was about my Illness, it’s called Functional Neurological Disorder..or as the doctors like to say..”something that’s all in my head”. i’m living with FND is like living in a constant hell, i don’t know if i’ll wake up with my arm paralyzed, or having a shaking episode. but you learn to adapt. i was diagnosed at 17 and got my first pair of forearm crutches* when i was 21 and found myself using them more often than not, but thankfully my medication has been keeping my shaking at bay, which is why my heart drops when i see my medicine container is empty.

shit.

i forgot to get a refill. i’ll be fine though. i always am.

i take a few deep breaths before doing a very quickly ran through curl routine and put on a swipe..or two..or three of mascara and smudge on my favorite deep red lipstick before grabbing my favorite dress, it’s a black velvet dress that goes mid thigh, i pair it with black tights and my platform doc martens and throw on a jacket to battle the cold water and rush out of the door and to my car. i have thirty minutes before i have to make it to the restaurant and luckily it’s right by my pharmacy, so i’ll just go in and grab my medicine and then go to the date and try not to kill Joshua. perfect plan.

until it’s not.

“that’ll be $250, do you want to use cash or card”

i almost have a shaking episode right there. i stare at the lady behind the pharmacist desk and hope, and pray for her to say this is some sort of sick joke.

“i don’t-“ i stutter and look at her “i don’t have $250..i barely have enough money for gas”

“i’m sorry ma’am but there’s nothing i can do” she apologizes and smiles a sad smile at me.

i look down at my shaking hands and chew on my lip and try to force back the tears that are threatening to fall down my cheeks. Maggie and Danny are the only two that know about this..so if anything goes wrong i can just call them. everything will be okay. right?

i leave the pharmacy and decided to use the fresh air to my advantage and walk to the restaurant when i see josh standing outside, his cheeks and nose pink from the cold. he’s kinda cute when he looks like that.

no he’s not Tara, snap out of it.

“your late.” he states and i look at my watch and roll my eyes

“only by two minutes, im going inside, you can either come with me or freeze your dick off out here”

he huffs and follows me inside where the hostess was clearly giving him “fuck me” eyes as she leads us to our table and takes our order, in which the whole, except when i order my food, she’s talking to josh.

after she leaves this smug bastard leans back in his chair and smirks “maybe i’ll take her home tonight, i mean did you see those tits?”

i scrunch up my nose and stab into my complimentary salad that little miss sexy had served us before she left.

“you could have tried a little harder on your appearance Bunny, people will be taking pictures yknow”

“says you” i huff as i push around my salad with my fork

“maybe i’ll just leave with our hostess and leave you here to wallow in your own self pity”

i decide my best course of action is ignoring him. but when do i ever take the best choice?

“why do you think these things about me” i whisper, my voice barley eligible.

the demeanor in him shifts and he, just for a moment, looks regretful for what he said. obviously that doesn’t last long.

“do you want me to lie to you Tara?”

that’s what gets me, that’s how it all started.

i push myself from the table and run into a single person bathroom and let my body fall down the wall. it starts with my right arm.

then my hands.

and legs.

and suddenly i’m having a full blown shaking attack, to those who don’t know what FND is, it would look like i’m having a seizure.

a sob breaks out from my lips as i fumble with my purse and until i finally grab my phone and click on Maggie’s contact and try to call her

1 ring

2 ring

3 ring

hey this is maggie! i’m out right now please leave a message at the beep!

beeeeep

i bite my lip and blindly click on danny’s contact, praying that he picks up.

1 ring

2 ring

“Hello?”

“d-danny” i mutter as i put my phone on speaker, not being able to hold it

“Tara? what’s wrong? aren’t you on your date?”

i mean he wasn’t wrong.

yes i was on my date, but i was also on the floor shaking so hard it feels like i might tear a hole into the floor.

“i am- but i ran out of my medication and i’m shaking- it hurts and it’s okay if you can’t come over but-“

“i’ll be there in five minutes”

that’s all he says before he hangs up.

Danny barges into the restaurant and starts passing josh’s table.

“Danny? what are you doing here” josh stands up, grabbing danny’s arm which causes danny to whip around and for josh to take a few steps back.

“what did you say to Tara” Danny asks

“what-“

“what did you say to her”

“nothing i-“

“well whatever you did. good fucking job”

josh furrows his eyebrows and follows a frantic danny to the bathroom, only to see me half laying down, half sitting up, shaking, and fading in and out of consciousness. danny quickly sits down behind me and pulls me in between his legs so my back is pressed up to his chest and my head falls back into his shoulder.

Danny was probably one of my best friends in every sense of the word, he was always so calm, gentle and..nice.

“hey bunny” he whispers as he brushes some hair from my face “i need you to stay awake for me pretty, you know if you pass out we have to call 911, and i know you don’t want that”

it’s true, whenever i pass out during a episode, more often than not im taken away in a ambulance and taken into observation for one to two days, it always helps when i get a cute paramedic though”

“s’fine” i mutter even though it was not fine, i let my head fall to the side and see josh staring at me with wide eyes and i give him a slurred smile “go see the hostess”

those are the last words i say before i black out and hear Danny curse.

“call an ambulance Josh” Danny orders but josh, looking like he’s frozen in time doesn’t follow his orders.

“JOSH” Danny yells again which seems to snap josh out of his trance before he calls 911 and soon enough paramedics are surrounding me and getting me on a stretcher. once i’m gone danny looks at josh

“i hope whatever you said was worth it”

“what happened to her- was it a allergic reaction or-“ josh stutters before danny huffs and cuts him off

“no you intolerable ass crouton, she has a disorder where if she gets too stressed or upset her body basically shuts down”

danny had never scolded josh to this extent and he couldn’t help but feel like a child being caught stealing a cooking by their mom, all he can think to do in look down at his hands.

“now what i’m going to do is go to the hospital and make sure she’s not alone, you can either come or stay. the choice is up to you”

danny leaves and josh just stands there looking at the spot where i had originally laid.

why did he say those things?

did he really think those things? no go course not.

it’s more of a coping mechanism he thinks. s way to keep his walls up.

but on a friday, on december first at 7:57, his walls has caused you to go to the hospital.

C.U.P.I.D’s 100% success rate my ass.

[cr1mson5returns]

No rest for the wicked, I suppose.

Uh, so I'm. Not well right now.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in 2019. It took a psychological evaluation to do it, because there was so much diagnostic uncertainty with me. I bounced between a couple of diagnoses before they did the deep dive and came up with BPD. And it was a relief, really, to just know that there was a name for it, that I wasn't alone or the only one, that there was a path forward for treatment.

But, well.....it's only gotten worse for the last few years. And on my third hospitalization, I was asked if I had significant childhood trauma, and I said, "No, of course not. It wasn't that bad."

But it was. It was. And when I cut off contact with my family in May, I thought, stupidly, that things would get better then. That I'd be alright, feel alright for once. But actually my brain is Doing A Remember and that shit is so painful, y'all. I do not have any fucking idea what I'm supposed to do with myself and my life right now, in this moment, after having a truly impressive come-apart breakdown where I just about experienced a psychotic break. And in the middle of it all, all I could think was: "I don't want my mom, not really. I just want a mom. I want to be held like someone's daughter, by someone who thinks of me as a daughter. But I don't have anyone."

It's been truly awful all these years to feel so completely worthless and unlovable. It was absolutely nothing - a pittance, a small sliver of sadness - compared to the settling of the realization, today, that everyone who ever told me that my parents loved me in their own way, whatever way they were capable of loving me in, was absolutely fucking incorrect. They hurt me, intentionally. They tore me down until I stopped seeing myself like a person, intentionally. The minute I became someone who was no longer a child, naive and dependent, I became something they couldn't love. Didn't love, really. They knew they were hurting me, and when I tried to bring it up to them, it was always about the money they spent on the hospital bill when I tried to kill myself in school, or the way that my mom actually had it worse than I did because she was so depressed after the attempt. Screamed me down onto the floor until I was sobbing when DCF showed up, demanded to know what I'd said and to whom. And when I had the audacity to be gay, it was over for me, really. They simply couldn't keep it up any longer. And now I'm sitting here and simmering in the ugly realization that none of it was love. Not a damn bit of it. You don't intentionally hurt someone you love, over and over, until they stop thinking of themselves as a person and start thinking of themselves as a cosmic mistake.

All I ever wanted was to be acceptable. Digestible, I guess, never too unpleasant to swallow up in bite-sized pieces of what I was expected to be. I couldn't ever manage it, and now I'm so afraid of finding out things about myself because what if people don't like it? What if I'm no longer the digestible little pieces I once was, what if I step into something that is all too bitter and easy to choke on, something to spit out? Like chew, or cow's cud, or the phlegm in your throat after a cold.

All I ever wanted was to be loved like my sisters are loved. And it did not happen, and it will not happen, and I have finally settled that thought into my gray matter and it hurts. It hurts. And all these times that I have ever thought that I would end it all, that I would just check the fuck out for eternity and never have a problem again, it all just pales in comparison to the solemn knowledge. They did not love me, not when I became an individual. This was not love. It was not normal or acceptable. I was not just some dramatic ass teenager who couldn't handle a little discipline. I was not wrong.

I'm safe, now. Tonight. Not about to take myself off the face of the Earth, not because of this. So many people would be upset if I left, and frankly, I'm so spiteful and resentful at this point that I want to annoy the shit out of anyone who would gain something if I was gone. Am I the archenemy of the family? I guess so, motherfucker, and I do love playing the villain. I'm real good at that.

Anyway, I'm going to find some path forward, through this, out of this. Wherever it goes. I want to be a musician again, somehow. I don't know how I'll accomplish it yet. I have time to think on it. Because I'm not killing myself over this. I refuse. I came so far from where I was and I will not bow down to whatever awful little urge arises in me to just be done forever. Morgan would kick my ass for it, and so would my granddad, probably. He'd team up with Morgan to try to convince God Himself to please let them be ghosts, just for a bit, just to make a point to someone. Grandma would tell me how much she had hoped I would get better, how much she had been rooting for me to live a better life than I had. I'm not wasting away with the sorrow, not this time. I won't let that happen again. I'm angry, and hurting, and today it felt like my entire chest was hollow and my lungs were about to collapse, but one day I will be better than where I am now. It will happen.

But it can't if I let go right now. So I won't let go.

[princess-of-thebes-1995]

Too Beautiful To Be Real

Halil Ibrahim Ceyhan x Bipolar Reader

Summary: A lonely and depressed young lady plagued with multiple mental illnesses and poverty feared she would soon take her life during the pandemic. Life changed for the better when she made a new friend from social media. A Turkish Actor named Halil wants you to live but as he speaks to you, he wants to be more than friends. Will your mind stop playing tricks from preventing true love? Trigger Warning: Depressing life situations ahead such as the current Pandemic, death of friends, and lack of helpful resources due to poverty.

You are warned. Suicidal thoughts and mental problems.

Chapter One: Squidward.

Another day. Another Migraine. You used to think Squidward's negativity was funny as you watched that popular cartoon show as a child. Now, as an 18 year old adult, who finally moved away from a dysfunctional family, you understood Squidward's pain. You felt pity for him instead. You also felt pity for yourself too….

Life became more unbearable thanks to Covid. Lack of job and social distancing made you and others more poor and lonely. The news reported the rise in mental disorders. The 

Lack of jobs and crimes were the worst. Your two close friends recently passed away. One committed suicide and the other died from pneumonia. Your heart was broken too many times in the past by fake friends. You shield yourself from getting a best friend. Now, you regret your decision. Damn your childhood paranoia. Your two close friends were gone forever.

Here you were. Not to square one. But far worse. More lonely. You did not think it was possible. Your insurance was kind enough to give you free medication and access to a psychiatrist. But, you wanted someone to talk to. Professional help. Not a random person who will give you bad advice. You could not afford a therapist. They were too expensive. Even if you managed, you didn't want to spend money. After all, you worked hard but were given minimum wage. You can buy permanent items with the money to speak to a therapist for an hour. Not worth it. Too expensive.

You looked down at the cheap Obama phone in your hand and downloaded the Whisper app. You wanted to pull some weight off your chest. After completing your profile you typed your first whisper. "I have been having strange thoughts of ending it all."

You blew an exhale. The release of some of that negativity made you feel a little better. It was time to sleep. You swallowed your evening pills and laid down on your bed. Working as a laundry cleaner in a linen factory was long and tedious. Just like Squidward. Nowhere to go thanks to the curse of damn money. 

[reelovesbuckybarnes]

I hope that you all are not gonna get upset with me for tagging you in this but i seriously need to get this off my chest...

It was about 3,4 months ago if i can remember correctly... i lost 2 rp partners due to me that had accidentally broke their rp rules. I never meant to do that cos of jealousy in rp as well as due to my mental health cos sometimes i do snap.

And one of their friends had started to send me threats on my asks and on my inbox telling me to fuck off and that i am such a damn drama queen . I suffered actually and i nearly gave up roleplaying because one of their friends warned them about me etc. all because i had accidentally broke their rp rules.

Some even blocked me. Called me names... i was really going through such a rough time. I had sleepless nights, i lost an excessive amount of weight, i was completely stressed out.

And the real life me...

I suffer from a disability problem disorder. I have no friends in real, the neighbors don't like me calling me a crazy person and laughing at me, I wear glasses and i am also not the glamorous type that wears makeup or wearing high heels getting all dressed up. I am just a plain 41 year old woman that looks so young for my age (some say that i look like a 17 year old).

Anyway...

Also this year i have come out as bisexual. But i can't tell my family about it, they don't always appreciate me and they treat me like a kid. And my late dad would be turning in he's grave if he knew that me he's youngest daughter is a bisexual. My mom,older brother and sister don't even know that i am bisexual and there's no way in hell that i will ever tell them that.

But one thing is for sure...

I am so proud to be a bisexual and ain't nothing is gonna change that, ever...

In real life i am a loner, and i am back into roleplaying again cos this time i have found the right rp guy and that is @the-tj-hammond ❤.

And reading the amazing fanfictions also helps me. Music calms me too it takes me into another place and time like i feel that i can be myself.

And also i have such wonderful friends on here too . I thank you all for being such great and dear friends to me and to also keeping up with me as well .

I love you all...

And yeah i still go for therapy sessions. That helps me too...

So yeah ...

That's all about me.

For now.

@jessybarnes @asipofwineandfandoms @scentedkittenperfection @j-bucky-barnes-anon @ghost-wolf34 @jobean12-blog @the-tj-hammond @ask-scott-lang-whatever @nessiesbarnes @theamberstark @superdcchick

[plum-pitt]

More rottmnt headcanons!!!!

This time for my silly billies, or more accurately, the main cast outside of the teetlz. I’ll probably have less to say on them than the core four, but there’s a few things about these goobers i’ve just GOT to throw out there. Oh also go look at my previous post in this series (this is where i talk about the turtles!) if you haven’t it’s pretty neat. psst! i’ve got another in the works going over character dynamics so keep an eye out for that

Casey Junior: Typically goes by CJ to avoid confusion, whether the J stands for Jones or Junior is up for debate. Trans fella, He/Him. I think about elderqueer!Future Leo helping him figure his egg shit out in the middle of the apocalypse all the time and it brings me great joy, (Watch Future!Donnie whip out old recordings of leo’s crackly ass second puberty voice whenever CJ gets insecure about his💀). Spends half his time in present day NYC seeing people’s faces and going “Damn, did i watch that person die as a kid or am i trippin?”. Since his name got shortened to CJ, a lot of people have taken to shortening it further to “Cee-j” which ended up inspiring his vigilante name; Siege. (I’ve literally never seen anyone try to give any Casey’s vigilante persona an actual name before so there ya go, no further reasoning beyond ‘it sounds cool’). Got adopted by Future!Casey, after being taken to a resistance base camp by his mortally wounded Bio!dad who basically dropped dead on arrival. (Hey it’s like Links backstory in ocarina of time but like- he gets a mom and 4 turtle dads instead of a tree)

April O’Neil: bisexual but with a strong fem preference, and She/Her! Naturally gravitated towards the field of journalism because unlike her previous jobs, being surrounded by weird shit is actually pretty beneficial when you’re trynna report on interesting stuff! It’s actually this shift in career focus that helps her feel less insecure about how weird her life, and by extension, she, is. I mean hey it’s payin the bills, hard to resent that. The first turtle she met was Donnie, the guys were playing basketball when Don missed a pass and the ball bounced away so he had to go get it, only to run into April for the first time. Ofc the first thing she pointed out wasn’t his emerald complexion or stinky sewer smell, but that he was wearing jupiter jim merch, and the rest was history. The turtles all feel bummed about how busy she is since going to college, but want also support their big sis too much to make a stink about it, they know she misses them too. I like to think Leo just portals into her dorm sometimes and her completely normal ass roommate who came from out of town just had to deal with that with 0 explanation given.

Splinter: This right here is a textbook example of an eternal disaster bisexual in action. Jesus fuck this rat can fit so many mental disorders in him. His combined mommy and daddy issues ensured he’d only romantically pursue the most red flag ridden mfs on earth for all time *cough cough* BIG MAMA *cough cough* Because he had bad vision problems post mutation (Rats actually have really bad eyesight irl so i feel like that could be a side affect of being mutated into one) he went out of his way to properly color code the turtles early on so he wouldn’t mix them up. When he first took in the turtles his ass did not know they were sentient (his only points of comparison for them were Draxum’s feral lab experiments) and basically treated them like more like pets up until Raph started talking and he realized “oh shit i’m a father of four now fuck” (this is also why he called them colors to begin with, their names didn’t matter too much if they couldn’t understand them) Once he figured out they were actually kids he finally gave them real names, but he still calls them by color out of habit and now they’re more like silly nicknames. Everything his kids think they get away with without him knowing he 100% knows about. He may be past his prime but his ninja instincts and dad bullshit detector are sharp as ever.

Cassandra Jones: Raging, feral, She/Her, lesbian. Adhd, emphasis on the H. Has at least 1 parent but they are not very active in her life, i mean at least i hope not bc goddam if they’re knowingly letting their kid lead a gang of girlsscouts and get wrapped up in a murder cult then i’ve got some serious questions. Look to Lieutenant and Brute as pseudo parental figures, though it’s largely unreciprocated even if they do somewhat care for her safety at the very least. One of the very few people (outwardly at least) to not at all be changed by the apocalypse. She’s still just as if not more trigger happy and crackheaded during the end of the world than she was before, she is nothing if not consistent. Willingly signs off on Future!Donnie giving CJ the chainsaw hockey stick at like 5 years old, it’s only Leo stepping in to nip that at the bud that prevented that disaster waiting to happen. Adopted CJ basically onsight. She was the one there when his bio-dad showed up and died right in front of the base, saw the baby, scooped him up, and that was that.

Draxum: This man a walking queer coded disney renaissance villain and u think i’m NOT gonna hit him with the gay stick? blasphemy. He/Him, also i read this fic that made him Tamil and i fucked with it heavy so now it lives in my brain rent free. (Go read the But First They Must Catch You series by mudlarkspur on ao3 it’s like my favorite separated au of all the ones i’ve read and i’ve read A LOT of those mfs). Definitely was a lil bit smitten w Lou Jitsu, at least before he rocked his shit and destroyed his life’s work weather or not this starts rearing its head again following his reconciliation with a certain rat man remains to be seen. Began training Mikey in the mystic arts post movie to help him control his powers but eventually somehow also acquired Donnie as a protege (They bond over their shared love of terrorism). Hes not very good at dad stuff like showing affection, but his way of showing it definitely entails giving them the knowledge and skills to take care of themselves should the need arise. Made peace-ish with Leo post movie, after a lengthy dr feelings sesh, Leo still brings up the roof incident all the time though just to fuck with him bc he’s a petty cunt whom i adore.

Aight that’s all i got for now, lmk if you wanna hear about any other characters or just share your own headcanons!! It brings me joy

Have a good day :3

[praphiteyes]

A little while ago Praphit Productions had two Mental Health Awareness meetings. We covered a lot of Q&A. Here's some of it.

1) Mental Health Def: a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being.

1A) Mental Illness Def:

1B) There are different types of mental illnesses/disorders and varying degrees of severity. Ex. Circumstantial or Clinical or even spiritual (based off of one's beliefs) OR more serious ones.

1C) The serious stuff

2) Taking care of ourselves

a) Times of personal checking/awareness - ex. If you had a third arm growing out of your butt, you might decide to get that checked out. It's not something that you'd ignore. So, don't ignore emotion/mental issues either.

b) Figure out what the problem is (might require professional help to do so).

c) Figure out a plan to deal with that issue (a method that's most comfortable for you).

3) Mental Health Awareness:

a) An Economic Crisis b) Social Media c) Overall Health

4) NAMI is a great place to start

5) What the crappity crap is "Deeply"?

Pretty much, It's Praphit Productions' Mental Health Support Community. The name comes from the bible (1 Peter 4:8) - that we would love another another "deeply".

The goal is to intentionally create a safe space for people to gather (online and in-person) to share life and serve/love one another. That's what the Church is supposed to be doing anyway, but… you know how that goes :) So, if you happen not to have that type of support in your life, the idea is that you could find it at DEEPLY.

6) People who believe that others mental health problems aren't real problems. Honestly, those kinds of people are a big part of the Mental Health Crisis in our country. Any medical professional IN THE WORLD would tell you that mental health issues are real, and need to be taken seriously.

So, at this stage in human social evolution, if one says that they don't believe in such things, then they're being willfully ignorant ("damned fools" as the bible might say:)

Scripture (one of many proverbs on foolery): Proverbs 10:8 -

"The wise in heart accept commands,   but a chattering fool comes to RUIN."

Stand your ground (wisely). Try to enlighten them (graciously and wisely) if opportunity allows. But, DO NOT partake in their RUIN.

7) Hollywood's responsibility?

I would say that they only have a responsibility to try to entertain us. It's our responsibility (every one's) to educate ourselves and then act and teach accordingly with that knowledge. BUT, if you find a Tv Show, Book, Movie, etc that is portrays those struggling with mental health issues in a good light, maybe pass those on. In the same way, if any shine a bad light on those struggles, perhaps send out a warning.

Maybe Hollywood could do better in regards to warnings.

8) Can religion help? - Depends. In some cases, religion births or assists in trauma leading to mental health issues. However, I can speak for myself in saying that without my faith in Christ, I would not be able to endure my own mental health battles. So, to answer the question - YES, but tread with caution.

9) Safe Work Places for Mental Health Struggles

Good luck with that. I mean that… perhaps you'll find a safe place like that. But, businesses are about making money, not the worker's personal well-being. Whether they should be or not is up for debate. This is why it is wise to take your mental health seriously, and to be diligent in managing it. If you don't, you might find that it's hard for you to keep a job, or at the very least to be as productive as you know you could be.

10) Creative ways to cope - There are a variety of ways. The best place to start though is with a support group. (If you can't find one, you can start with DEEPLY:)

Talking out your issues will hopefully lead to others being there for you and perhaps sharing some things that have worked for them or those that they know. Be patient as you try what works best for you. But, PLEASE KEEP TRYING. I believe that wise and earnest trying with equal succeeding.

[macamonium]

Love neurodivergence not even the recent wave of self recognition in autism and adhd and the like … which is AWESOME !!!!!!

I mean also developmental disorders and the marginalized of social interaction and the shunned and the shamed and the weird and disgusting and blunt and the old and the FREAKS!! The ones the kids are taught to laugh at in the street ……. You know?

Even as I type this I don’t give a fuck. Syntax be damned looking like I’m crazy be DAMNED! You know what I mean. You bridge the gap to me. Because you love me - you don’t even know me, you know a person wrote this, and you take effort to close whatever communication gap exists (which is always a little, by way of nature, but SO MUCH LESS INSURMOUNTABLE BETWEEN NEURONONCONFORMISTS THAN THEY MAKE US THINK! We aren’t helpless, WE GET EACH OTHER!!)

Writing this because I passed a woman on the street, met her dog (not HER dog, she insisted, my friend. I don’t own him, I don’t walk him, we walk to together and I’m honoured) and talked a long time about bullshit university. University tennis dicks at the school court shelling £24 pound membership rates pick on her, refuse to let her dog chase balls, or even give ONE away to a sweet sweet puppy. She said once to one “I know your problem. You miss your mothers tit” and I HOOOWLLLEDDDD when she said that!! Fucking killer. Hope I have the courage like that one day.

Anyway we were talking, offered names, she’s speaking mine the whole time as she talks, I forget hers. Want to remember, but can’t. Brain doesn’t hold information almost at all. It’s a struggle, you know it too, eh? Reading this far you neuropunk

Asked her at the end, “by the way, you know, I’m terrible, terrible at remembering names. What’s yours again?” And she tells me. I don’t remember but that’s NOT THE POINT EVEN!!! HOW COOL!!

I said by way of lifelong shame, after she told me, “I’m so sorry, it takes me two or three times to get it you know, solidified in here” pointing to my head

And what I was thinking to myself saying that is, “you wouldnt actually have trouble remembering if you gave a shit. You’re just being trash to this wonderful soul of a woman and her dog. Giving yourself the leeway of ‘three times,’ eh? Garnering the pity?”

But guess what. I FORGOT AGAIN!!!! I thought I was a monster and I was only asking for support. And neuropunk to neuropunk she gave it readily. She said of course darling I know, it’s _____. Starts with an A, two syllables that I can remember.

Neuropunks don’t shame. We are wonderful. Trannies know we’re limited by our bodies but no less for it, neurofreaks know we’re limited by our minds but no less. Never never less, no matter how much EVERYTHING ! screams at us that we are. WE know we’re not. Between us the truth of our deservingness reveals itself and it always will.

Point is, I gave myself the leeway of “three times” and forgot the third time, because I thought I was manipulating her and garnering pity when I actually just KNOW MY MIND!! Three didn’t come from nowhere. I know how my mind works and it’s the shit they say about us that makes me think I don’t.

Can’t remember what the point of this post was and can’t be fucked to be “ “ “ coherent “ “ “ at this particular moment in time. I KNOW MY NEUROFREAKS KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! I love you all and I hope you love yourselves. I’d know what you mean.

Her dogs name was Scout too. A border collie, softest thing in the world. She really really loves him

[transmascnepetaleijon]

uuuughhhhhhhhhhhh

[fearofahumanplanet]

Updated Intro

My Cluster B-exclusive 18+ Discord server can be found here!

Yeah, so my first intro was Bad and I've gotten so much more involved on this site than I thought I would - so it's time to wipe time and do it all again!

Hello, I'm Jane Doe (not my real name - you'd be amazed how many people think so, but really, it's not). I'm a writer and a mouthy sufferer of several personality disorders, and both of these things have kind of become the focus of this blog (bc I can't help but vent in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping).

General Taglist: @aohendo, @athenswrites, @impaledlotus, @bardic-tales, @carefulpyro, @marinesocks, @writingpotato07, @hey-its-quill

MASTERLIST AND WIP INFO AT THE BOTTOM OF POST

This blog contains NSFW (18+) content - I don't really impose any limits on my writing, and it is and has always been an outlet for my trauma! You have been warned.

THIS BLOG IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A SAFE PLACE FOR ALL LGBT+ & QUEER PEOPLE, ALL CLUSTER B DISORDERS (INCLUDING NPD & ASPD), ALL DISABLED PEOPLE (PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY), ANYONE OF ANY RACE, ETC. IF YOU'RE A BIGOT IN ANY REGARD, FUCK RIGHT OFF.

Now that we're through with that...

A Little About Me

I am twenty-one years old & Irish-American, I use she/her & it/its pronouns, I am hella LGBT, and I am a loud & proud anarcho-communist

We are a system that suffer from a combination of severe symptoms from all Cluster B personality disorders, but most severely borderline personality disorder (BPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Outside of those I also suffer from dependent personality disorder (DPD), bulimia nervosa + ARFID, chronic insomnia, major depressive disorder, agoraphobia, CPTSD, and am autistic, & with this blog I have decided to make it everyone else's problem :P

I am open to DMs, asks, & tag games at all times! But I may take a bit to get back to you

If you'd like to beta read or just read any of my WIPs, let me know! I usually share PDFs when at least a couple drafts are finished

I have been studying English for about as long as I've lived and writing for about eight years, and I'd like to think I've become pretty damn good at these things. I love beta reading and helping to edit other people's works, so if you have a WIP and you'd like some help, feel free to contact me (ESPECIALLY if it fits snugly into my interests).

Outside of writing, I have a deep love for horror movies & games, video games (especially first-person shooters & roguelikes), HEMA, reading (of course), punk & metal music, snakes & dogs, psychology & philosophy, and staying awake long enough to make inadvised chaotic decisions without a worry. Recommend me music of any kind, please!

I have also devoted almost a decade of my life to studying mythology, theology, history & culture all around the world - I find these things endlessly fascinating, brilliant, and inspiring, and I am always eager to find out more about foreign cultures! If you need any help regarding mythology/theology (basically anything there) or specific parts of history (ask!) feel free to message or ask me!

Stuff Regarding My Writing

I am an all-around speculative/weird fiction writer, though I am willing to try literally anything if the idea intrigues me enough. That being said, almost all of my work returns to horror eventually, as it is my beloved and my most faithful muse. Besides horror, some of my other favorite genres to write include dark fantasy, urban fantasy, historical fiction, noir, & cyberpunk.

My writing style itself is a mix of a more casual style with more complex words & obscure references mixed in. My work tends to be quite bleak & dark in content, as it started as a coping mechanism for my trauma, but I don't believe in grimdark stories and I work to make sure there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, however dim. There is also, very frequently, stylized and detailed gore & elaborate, over-the-top action in my work.

My writing takes a very psychological, character-driven bent at all times - I feel no shame in having simpler plots so that I can focus on the mindsets of traumatized and fucked-up people. Mental health is a primary focus in all of my writing, and I tend to feature antiheroes or legitimate villains as protagonists.

Black-and-white morals are a thing of fiction in my work - with the rarest of exceptions, I strive to discard "good and evil" as constructs entirely and write human beings instead.

I usually write female protagonists and/or protagonists of marginalized & underrepresented groups. Everything I write will have some LGBT people somewhere, it's a guarantee.

Thanks to my areas of study, I also write a lot about mythology & theology - good luck finding a single project of mine that doesn't sneak in a reference to some god somewhere, if not straight up including them. I also really enjoy ancient literature and will frequently incorporate references or quotes from older epics. Drinking game: Take one shot every time I reference Dante's Inferno in something (don't actually do this for your own safety)

While my settings & stories tend to be very fantastical, I always seek to ground them in reality as much as I can and give them a grittier feel - combat in my stuff is a lot less cartoony and a lot more focused on broken bones and bloody bodies. I also write HEAVILY about real-world politics with an explicitly leftist anarchist view, so if that's not something you're prepared to deal with, I'd advise you turn around now.

My Current WIPs...

Karma Killer (full post here) - Slasher, Psychological Horror. In the fictional mountain town of Lake Leer, Colorado, a bullied teen named Kora Lynch is driven to suicide, only to be saved by a wrathful goddess and given a kabuki mask and the ability to know anyone's sins with a mere glance. Indebted to her new lord, Kora takes up the name of "Karma" and begins tormenting the people who drove her to die - only to start losing herself and her ideals with every bloody body she leaves behind her.

The Serpents They Stone (full post here) - Mythological Urban Fantasy, Cyberpunk. In an alternate version of our world where gods lived alongside humankind and brought them to a new level of technological prosperity, the dreaded World Serpent Jörmungandr reveals herself to have survived Ragnarok while rescuing her villainous old flame, the Phantom Queen Badb. Quickly finding herself pursued by the entire world for the prophecy that promises she will end the world, Jörmungandr dedicates herself to saving Badb from the "Black Pharaoh" that enslaves her - even as Badb is forcibly driven to remain sinister and create chaos.

Miasma (full post here) - Historical Dark Fantasy. Based on the Anglo-Norman invasion of Ireland & the later Black Death, the island of Ériu is besieged by the foreign Anglii and their High King is killed. His daughter, Hail, dies with him, but she is resurrected by the serpent goddess Corchen with one objective - to kill King Godric across the ocean, no matter the cost. Her mission soon intertwines with that of a mysterious plague doctor's, who seeks to stop an oncoming plague - one that could spell the end of all life.

Short Story Masterlist

D.N.R. (Character study about BPD) (full story here)

Ghost (Dungeon-punk horror) (full story here)

rusted from the rain. (Folk horror) (full story here)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

an objectively correct rating of the hottest incarnations of King Shark, in honor of the The Suicide Squad trailer drop

this one’s a LEGO, so obviously he’s not hot, but I think he’s worth mentioning because it’s nice that he does a little dance with his shark friends! also, look at that confidence. that’s a man who’s having a good time and loves his shod (shark bod), and we love to see it!

DC Superhero girls is a lot of fun, but jesus christ - they made my man look like a Land Before Time villain.

few characters escape the Arrwoverse unscatched, and unfortunately that includes King Shark. in the Flash Season Zero comics he just looks like a straight up pool toy. then again, this is a mutated scientist named Shay Lambden and not our good good boy Nanaue who’s the son of the Shark God, so I guess you get what you pay for.

he didn’t fare much better in the TV series proper, which unfortunately rendered him as a CGI monstrosity who got his ass handed to him on a platter by Gorilla Grodd. I will give him a little credit for undoubtedly eating up a tremendous chunk of the effects budget every time he (pun intended) surfaces.

allow me to preface this by saying I like Assault on Arkham, I like how John DiMaggio plays the role, and I even enjoy his relationship with Killer Frost. but oh my god, why does he look like this? this isn’t a shark, this is a man with problems disorder. NEXT.

credit where credit is due: this is a powerfully slutty outfit, and I appreciate the dedication to showing off the shabs (shark abs). but from most angles his face just ends up looking goofy (second image included for reference) and frankly? not enough teeth.

it seems like the character designers at DC Universe Online couldn’t decide if they wanted King Shark to be hot or scary, and tried to have it both ways to devastatingly lackluster results. this is just a really ugly King Shark.

ah, the movie that prompted this list in the first place!  I’m keeping an open mind for 2icide Squad, but based on the trailer alone this King Shark seems just a lil too doofy for me. I’m glad he’s having a good time wandering around eating people! I hope he has a lot of fun doing unspeakable acts of violence! but alas, I have no desire to smooch him.

this doesn’t do much for me personally, but I appreciate how much is going on with his design in the Young Justice tie-in comics! also I don’t think he was strictly a villain here, he mostly just wanted to eat people who committed fantasy racism against Atlanteans who are fish people. obviously boo for the death penalty and all that, but he made a few points and wore some cute little booty shorts while he was at it.

Stjepan Šejić’s King Shark has what the DC Universe Online King Shark desperately wanted. he’s hot but in a way that feels kind of lazy, so human that finding it attractive feels like playing on easy mode. nipples are a bold choice, and not necessarily in a good way. still, points for the distinctive look of the hammerhead and the tight pants suggesting that this King Shark actually has something to cover.

I have to mention this particular image just because I will literally NEVER get tired of the trope where a big hulking monster-looking character is revealed to be curious, sensitive, and maybe even a bit academic when he’s not ripping people in half. excellent work, love to see it.

I LOVE a chatty King Shark, and more importantly Gail Simone loves a chatty King Shark. it may not be the most inspired design in his colorful history, but damn if Gail can’t make anyone and anything charming. nice simple outfit + winning sense of humor = this King Shark can’t lose.

leaving aside the fact that he spends his entire debut attacking Superboy at his twinkiest, which feels a bit homophobic, this outfit really goes off. STRONG first impression from Mr. Nanaue here, I can tell he’s feeling himself.

I don’t even play video games, but the entire trailer for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League is sexy, and its version of King Shark is not exception. it’s not the most inspired design ever, but I like it. his snout says shark without being so big it’s goofy goofy or stopping his from being expressive, I enjoy King Sharks that are clothed, and the tattoos are a nice homage to his Polynesian voice actor. plus, I love when King Shark is actually smart enough to be bitchy and banter with his teammates.

the animated Harley Quinn series has a really different take on King Shark, and it’s one that I like a lot. he’s a soft friendly nerd who happens to be a big shark man! look at that smile! and even better, he’s maybe the only version of King Shark who doesn’t seem actively dangerous to have sex with. 10/10, I would date this King Shark.

this guy was always going to be the winner. design is incredible from top to bottom, blending his shark and anthro elements with incredible precision and tying it together with a crop top. sex appeal aside, this is genuinely appealing character design. and he’s queer, which we all know automatically adds a +100 to your sexy score! unlike the previous honoree he seems EXTREMELY dangerous to bone down with, and I guess that’s just a risk I’m willing to take. I don’t I agree with John Constantine often, but I too would let this King Shark rail me.

[potrix-the-queerschlaeger]

joy in my heart - chapter 1

Or; What if Johnny had been forced to step up? [On AO3.]

 February 5th, 2002

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Johnny glances away from the awkwardly shifting nurse, over to the empty hospital bed. The sheets are rumpled, one of the tabloids Shannon loves to hate lying open on the pillow. Her favorite mug, the tag of the tea she’s started drinking against the morning sickness hanging over the rim, is sitting on the bedside table. “To the bathroom? The cafeteria?”

“Mr Lawrence,” Shannon’s doctor speaks up, and the pity in his voice that he doesn’t quite manage to hide makes something heavy settle in Johnny’s stomach, “your girlfriend left the hospital earlier this morning—”

Johnny’s shaking his head. “No, she—she gave birth a day ago? She—”

“Ms Keene discharged herself, against medical advice, about an hour ago.”

Before Johnny can even begin to wrap his head around any of that, there’s a soft knock on the door. The nurse goes to open it, gesturing for the woman on the other side to come in. She’s got a clipboard under her arm, and a no-nonsense expression on her face.

“Ah, right on time,” the doctor greets somberly. Then, addressing Johnny again, he says, “Mr Lawrence, allow me to introduce you to Mrs Porter.”

“Mr Lawrence,” Mrs Porter says, with a curt nod. “Francis Porter, Child Protective Services. Why don’t we take a seat?”

In his crib, Robby starts crying.

(Watch out for the break!)

 February 14th, 2002

They won’t let him take Robby home.

Johnny’s sitting on the old, dirty carpet floor in their—his, now, he supposes, with Shannon fucked off to who knows where—shitty little one-bedroom apartment, his back against the couch, and a mostly empty bottle of the cheapest whisky the gas station had to offer on the coffee table in front of him.

The foster family they’ve lined up has experience with babies like Robby, they���d said.

It’s too early to tell if there is going to be lasting damage, they’d said.

We can refer you to people who know how to help, they’d said.

No one is trying to take your son away from you, they keep saying.

Yeah, right.

Johnny reaches for the bottle again.

“Happy fuckin’ Valentine’s Day, Shan.”

 April 21st, 2002

Robby is asleep. He’s asleep in some strange woman’s arms, tiny chest rising and falling steadily, looking so damn peaceful—

Johnny turns around and walks away, ignoring Mrs Porter calling after him.

 June 13th, 2002

“Please, Mr Lawrence,” the guy who stole Robby, who’’s telling him he can’t see his own fucking kid says, blocking Johnny’s view into the house, “you can’t be here, not unsupervised. You know you can’t.”

Johnny takes a step forward, swaying on unsteady feet. “I just—I just wan’ to—only for a minute. One minute, okay? ‘S all I’m askin’, okay?”

In the distance, Johnny can hear sirens.

He blacks out before the cops arrive.

 July 8th, 2002

 “Fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (FASDs) are a group of conditions that can occur in a person whose mother drank alcohol during pregnancy. Symptoms can include an abnormal appearance, short height, low body weight, small head size, poor coordination, behavioural problems, learning difficulties and problems with hearing or sight. Those affected are more likely to have trouble in school, legal problems, participate in high-risk activities and have problems with alcohol or other drugs. The most severe form of the condition—”

Johnny doesn’t bother putting  the book back before he stalks out of the library.

 July 9th, 2002

“My name’s Johnny. I’m—I’m an alcoholic? That’s what you’re supposed to start with, right? My kid, uh, Robby? He’s the reason I’m here, I guess? He’s not staying with me right now. For obvious reasons. His mom’s not in the picture. I—look, I don’t really know what the hell you want me to say? I just—I just want to see my kid, man.”

 August 4th, 2002

Robby is six months old. He looks at Johnny with big, curious, familiar blue eyes, thumb jammed into his mouth. He’s drooling all over his sleeve, wispy blond hair sticking up wildly from the nap he’s just woken up from. He’s still got pillow creases on his chubby little cheek.

“He’s been doing really well lately,” Helen tells Johnny, with a soft little smile. She bounces Robby, smoothing back his hair. “Isn’t that right, honey? Are you ready to say hi to your daddy?”

Johnny’s heart is in his throat.

His hands fumble, for a moment, when Helen passes Robby over, before he manages to settle on under Robby’s butt, and the other on his back. Slowly, carefully, Johnny lifts him out of Helen’s hold, pulling him close against his chest.

Robby makes a cooing baby noise, still staring at Johnny, and curls his free hand into the collar of Johnny’s shirt.

Johnny is holding his son.

For the very first time.

He is never letting go again.

Ever.

 October 25th, 2002

“—crying for, like, forty minutes now? That can’t be normal? Right? I’m—what the hell am I doing wrong, he won’t stop—”

“Johnny.” Helen, in Johnny’s less than expert opinion, sounds way too calm, considering the situation at hand. “We knew this was going to be an adjustment for him. First overnight visit with you, in an unfamiliar apartment, a complete deviation from his usual routine. He’s probably just a little confused.”

Confused because he’s staying with his deadbeat, piece of shit father.

Right.

“He’ll be fine, Johnny. You’re doing great,” Helen reassures him, as if reading his mind. Johnny squints suspiciously. “You’ve bathed him, fed him, changed him—”

Whatever she says after that, Johnny doesn’t hear, since Robby decides to add flailing to his sobbing, and yanks the phone right out of Johnny’s grasp.

“—some calming music,” Frank is suggesting, when Johnny manages to jam the receiver back between his ear and shoulder. “Helen is partial to ‘Stuck On You’, but anything slow will do, in a pinch. Put on some music, walk him around, bounce him. You’ll be fine.”

Music. Yes. Okay.

That’s definitely doable.

Only.

“Wait, Lionel Richie? What the hell have you been teaching my kid, oh my god, and they let you be foster parents? Unbelievable—”

“Johnny.” Helen’s clearly trying to hold back laughter, and not doing a very good job of it. And that, somehow, is enough to finally make Johnny listen. Really listen. She wouldn’t laugh at him if Robby was in actual danger. “You will be fine. Both of you. All right?”

Johnny doesn’t own anything Richie, obviously, but one of the boxes he hasn’t unpacked yet is stuffed full of all his mom’s old tapes. He rummages through it one-handed, while Robby attempts to make him go bald prematurely, until his fingers land on an old, well-loved copy of ‘Rumours’.

“Definitely beats Richie,” Johnny murmurs, and pops the tape into his cassette player.

Robby is probably just startled, when it starts in the middle of a not exactly slow song, but he does finally, blessedly, stop crying. He still looks like he’s thinking about it, though, so Johnny hugs him a little tighter, and starts singing along.

All I want is to see you smile. If it takes just a little while. I know you don't believe that it's true. I never meant any harm to you.

 February 4th, 2003

They’re celebrating Robby’s first birthday at Helen and Frank’s house.

There isn’t a huge crowd present, but Johnny had still been surprised at how many familiar faces were there to greet him.

“Like we’d miss this,” Tommy had scoffed, elbowing him in the ribs, while Jimmy’d nodded along. “Nowhere else we’d rather be, man.”

Bobby had just pulled him into an almost bone-crushing hug, and whispered quietly, “I am so proud of you, John.”

Because making someone cry at their kid’s birthday party was, apparently, a thing priests did.

Johnny is sipping his apple juice, squished onto the couch between Bobby and Tommy, when there’s a dull thud from the other side of the room. Helen is standing right by Robby, who’s looking mostly confused as to why he’s on the floor instead of toddling towards the gift table, frowning down at the carpet as if it’s personally offended him.

Then, his lower lip begins to wobble.

Helen is right there. Frank not five feet away.

Robby looks up at her, at Frank, then over at Johnny. Lifting up his arms, eyes wide and wet, he demands, “Dada?”

Johnny’s never moved faster in his life. “I’m right here, buddy. I’ve got you.”

[writingtoforgetreality]

Speak Of The Devil (Malcolm Bright x Winchester!Reader) | Prodigal Son/Supernatural Crossover

[Prodigal Son-Masterlist], [Supernatural-Masterlist]

Summary: What started as a normal case for the NYPD ended in you needing help from your family. Malcolm had never met your brothers & they had no idea you were dating. Things were bound to get complicated, it was inevitable. Still, you had to focus on this case before another person got killed.

Words: 5,557

Warnings: spoilers for 2x02 (doesn’t follow the actual plot obviously), murder, demons, language, confused Malcolm, lil hint at Destiel (barely there, could be missed if you don’t pay attention - sorry, I couldn’t help myself), I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun while writing something

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

The NYPD was assigned to solve a “creepy ass case”, as JT so lovingly put it. As Malcolm & you got to the crime scene, you understood what your fellow coworker had warned you about. Ugh, you hated churches with your guts. Well, that was not entirely true. But whenever a murder happened on a holy ground, nothing good ever came out of it. That was what you experienced before you started working for the police. Before that…you also worked for the police somehow? Just, they were not aware of that & you might have done some criminal things. For the greater good, though! Your brothers & you had saved thousands of people. They still did. You just needed to get out of this life & see if there was more for you to achieve. And there was. Not only did you find a great family who was also your team, at the same time you found Malcolm, your boyfriend.

Back to the case. Walking into a crime scene had always been bizarre to you. It showed you how close you still were to murder, even though you promised your brothers to distance yourself from it entirely. Technically, you did. This was different, though. At least you told yourself so. Gil, JT, Dani & Edrisa were already inspecting the scene when you two walked in. Oh no. This could not be good. The image in front of you seemed familiar & if it were not inappropriate to roll your eyes at a dead person, you would do it. Gil briefly explained the situation to you. Apparently the victim had been a member of the church for 30 years. The Lieutenant & Malcolm interrogated Sister Agnes. She was the one who found the body. There was another thing bothering you, so you did not really pay attention to whatever she was saying. Your focus was solely on JT, who had been through way too much to stand here & act as if everything was fine. A slight touch on his shoulder made him turn his head in your direction.

“Hey, you okay?” of course you were concerned about him. He was family, after all.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” he brushed you off as if he did not know what point you were trying to get across.

“Really? Because usually when Malcolm says he’s fine…well, he’s everything but.” a chuckle lightened the mood a little. You had to keep a closer eye on JT for the time being. Just in case.

“Our victim here performed an exorcism.” Malcolm’s statement let your eyes snap back to where he was standing. Edrisa smiled excitedly at him. This woman…She was the sweetest soul. Could be annoying, too. But in a sweet & loving way. Maybe she should turn down her excitement for murder. Who were you kidding? Your boyfriend was probably worse when it came to that. Wanting to have a closer look at the book Malcolm was referring to, you put your gloves on & carefully walked over to him. Trying not to mess up any possible clues left behind by the killer.

“Can I have a look?” you gestured to the small book & Malcolm handed it over to you. Shit. If you remembered correctly, there was a similar one back at the bunker. A look inside the pages confirmed your assumption. No need to freak out right away. There were tons of crazy people out there. Just because of this murder in this church & this book did not mean that there was anything supernatural involved. You just hoped it would stay that way. For everyone’s sake.

Your face fell when Edrisa said that there was a note left behind, written in blood. To the others, it looked like a sign without meaning. It looked familiar to you but you could not quite pinpoint where you remembered it from. Sister Agnes’ words made you stop in your tracks.

“Abaddon.” she breathed out. Sure, why the hell not? Okay, maybe this case was something for your brothers. But wait a damn minute…last time you checked, Abaddon was stabbed with the First Blade. She could not possibly be back, could she?

“Now we know our killer’s name.” Malcolm’s words gained the attention of the entire team. There was no way he had everything figured out already. You knew he was a great profiler but even that would have been too fast for him.

“Oh? Who is it?” Gil asked intrigued.

“You know.” Malcolm paused for a few moments. Probably for dramatic effect but what did you know? “The devil.” you could not help but laugh at his words. Great, now everyone was looking at you weirdly. Oh, he made a joke. Of course he did. Sometimes you forgot that you were not an active part of the hunting life anymore. A few coughs from you stopped the awkward tension in the room. At least a bit.

In no way did you want to defend Lucifer. He had made your life literal hell one too many times. But even he would not go as far & do something as cruel as this. Again, last time you checked, he was dead. But death did not agree with Lucifer. How many times had he died? You probably should not be the one to judge. You were not better by any means.

Excusing yourself to get some fresh air, you grabbed your phone out of your pocket. Hopefully he would pick up. It had been a while since you last talked. The phone rang & rang & slowly you lost hope. Maybe he really was mad at you for being radio silent for so long.

“(Y/N)?” his voice startled you slightly.

“Sam! Uh, hi.” suddenly you turned shy.

“It’s so good to hear from you! How are you?” he was happy that you decided to call after so long.

“I’m good, thanks. Actually, I need to ask you for a favor…” you started.

“What is it? Everything alright?” Sam was growing concerned. Back then, you hated relying on another person, too stubborn to ask for help, because you wanted to do everything on your own.

“There’s a case here in New York…I believe it’s your kind. And I genuinely don’t think I can deal with this on my own.”

“But you’re safe, right?”

“I am, as safe as one can be.” you chuckled. Working for the police & all that. Not that you would tell Sam on the phone. If they were to come by, he would find out sooner or later. “I’ll send you the details, alright? Be here as fast as you can.”

“Okay, no problem. Take care, okay?”

“You too. See you soon.” wow, you were about to see your brothers again. Hopefully everything would be fine & nobody would rip your head off.

“See you, (Y/N).” Sam ended the call & you let out a breath you did not know you were holding.

The phone call should stay a secret for the time being. People breaking out in panic was everything but convenient. Besides, you did not need your team looking at you like you were a lunatic. Malcolm explained possession trance disorder when you joined everyone again. How could one human being know so much about so many unimportant things? Like, this man was a human dictionary. Looking over at Gil, you had to grin by how hard he was trying to make sense of what Malcolm was saying. Gil noticed you staring at him & gave you a look. The one that made you not want to mess with him. Still, you laughed shortly, you could not keep it in any longer. Malcolm gave you a questioning look but you simply shrugged him off by a wave of your hand.

The last interrogation of the day was with the guy who was currently doing the painting job inside the church. Unfortunately, you did not get any more information. Everything he told you, you had already heard from the others. Basically, after interrogating everyone, you were certain that this was not a common case for the NYPD. And you were more than happy that your brothers were on their way to come over. How would you explain any of this to Malcolm? He knew you had two brothers but you had also told him that you were not necessarily talking, only when it came to emergencies. Great, Malcolm would freak out. Even more so than normal, probably.

“Why do we have to visit your father again?” you shot the question at Malcolm as you were walking over the psychiatric yard, looking for Martin. He rolled his eyes at you, exhausted by your constant questioning.

“I’ve explained it a thousand times, (Y/N).”

“Well, I don’t see how any of this is connected to him.” you argued. Whenever Malcolm had the great idea to visit his father, you tagged along. Simply because you knew it was always hard for him & you wanted to support him wherever you could. Right now, though, you were losing your patience. After all, you knew the cause of this case. But your brothers had yet to arrive so you should play along for now.

“Malcolm, my boy. (Y/N)! Always nice to see you.” Martin started, excited to see his son accompanied by you. The first time you visited Martin, he took an immediate liking to you. Probably because he could see that you were good for Malcolm & his son meant the world to him. Still, he was a narcissistic psychopath. Remembering clearly how he had told you that everyone had flaws during your first meeting. Ah, good times.

“I wish I could say the same, Dr. Whitly.” a sarcastic smile plastered on your face. From then on, you let Malcolm do the talking, not really paying attention to what he was saying. Your thoughts were with your brothers, hoping they would get their asses here quickly before you had to endure more of this bullshit. It was frustrating when you knew how to solve this case but there was nobody you could talk to, not about this. Malcolm desperately tried searching for a non-supernatural explanation. Of course he did. And you just stood by, not being helpful at all. Malcolm did notice your quietness but did not comment on it. Not when you were with his father. He would ask you later today, when you were back at home.

Sam sent you a message earlier today, asking for your address to meet up. This meant that they would not take much longer. The knock on the door was confirmation enough. Malcolm walked over, ready to open it & you did not have enough time to warn him. Oh, this was bound to be fun.

“Uh…Hello?” Malcolm, everyone. Great first impression.

“You’re not (Y/N).” you could make out Dean’s voice. Walking up to where Malcolm was standing in the doorway, you looked over his shoulder & smiled at your brothers. They really were here, it had been too long. Softly pushing Malcolm out of the way, you pulled both of them in a long overdue hug. It was only then when you realized how much you had missed them. Malcolm observed the interaction from afar, confusion obviously shown on his face. Right now, you could only focus on the men in front of you, though.

“It’s good to see you guys again.” smiling widely at them. Sam nodded at you & even Dean could not hide the small smile that was forming on his face.

“I’m sorry…Can I help you guys?” Malcolm spoke up, waiting for answers from either you or the strangers that now entered his apartment.

“No, but we’ll help you.” Dean walked over to Malcolm & patted his shoulder.

“Sam, Dean. This is Malcolm. Malcolm. These are my brothers.” you awkwardly introduced them to each other. Malcolm’s mouth hang open & he could not form a coherent sentence.

“Nice to meet you.” Sam held out his hand & it took Malcolm a second to shake it.

“Your brothers?” Malcolm whisper-yelled.

“Yeah?”

“And what are they doing here?” it was not his intention to sound rude, you knew that. Yet, he seemed rather frustrated because you clearly knew they were coming over but decided against telling your boyfriend.

“Remember when I told you that they had a similar job to ours?” Malcolm nodded at you. “This case we’re working on…that’s one of their kind. We wouldn’t be able to solve it without their help.” you tried explaining.

“We have the best working team out there! Of course we could’ve solved it alone!” but you simply shook your head at him. He would understand sooner or later.

Sam & Dean sat down on the expensive couch, Dean putting his feet on the coffee table. Good thing Malcolm did not care too much about his furniture. Malcolm & you brought drinks from the kitchen & sat across from them. Dean only eyed Malcolm, though. The inevitable was about to happen, you just hoped Malcolm would deliver accordingly.

“Who the hell are you?” he was judging Malcolm & neither Sam’s elbow nudging him nor your dirty look changed the way he looked at him. What could you say? Dean was very protective of you, even after ages of not talking.

“Malcolm Bright, profiler for the NYPD.” that made the brothers’ eyebrows raise. Thank God he did not let slip that he was the son of a serial killer.

“You’re working for the police?” Sam eyed Malcolm, now being confused as to why you would get them involved with the police even though you were aware of what they had been through.

“Well, yeah. I mean, (Y/N) & I met there.” Malcolm reasoned. Great, the cat was out of the bag now.

“Seriously (Y/N)?” Dean looked…disappointed?

“Okay, wait a minute. Let me explain!” Sam & Dean nodded at you to continue. “When I left you guys, I really tried to leave this life behind. I did. But I still wanted to help people. So…one thing came to another & then I was part of the NYPD &-“ you were interrupted by Dean, of course.

“And slept around with this guy?” Dean looked Malcolm over & you rolled your eyes at him. Malcolm looked offended but stayed silent.

“This guy is my boyfriend. And his name is Malcolm.” you defended him. “And I asked you to help me with this case, not with my dating life.” looking at Dean sternly, he nodded at you & apologized. He could get caught up in the heat of the moment but you had more important things to focus on.

Throughout your talk, Malcolm sent you questioning looks every now & then. You brushed him off, telling him you would explain it later. Sam & Dean got the message & tried keeping the talk casual. Clearly, your boyfriend did not know about the supernatural & it would be better if it stayed that way.

“Okay, so tomorrow, we’ll talk to Norman & see what we can find out.” Malcolm concluded after some long confusing hours.

“Sammy & I need some sleep after that long ass drive anyway. We’ll be meeting at his house first thing in the morning. Don’t be late.” when he said that, he stared at Malcolm. Rolling your eyes at his childish antics, you slapped him lightly on the chest.

“Do you wanna stay here for the night?” you asked when they were walking to the front door.

“Um, no. We’re checked in at the motel a few blocks down. Besides…” Dean gestured wildly with his hands. “This entire apartment looks too luxurious for us. How did you get so much money anyway?” Dean asked, again motioning at the expensive looking apartment.

“It’s actually Malcolm’s…I moved in not too long ago.” explaining to both of them. Sam nodded, looking satisfied with your current living situation. Dean, of course, had another thing to comment on.

“Oh wow, (Y/N)…Good catch.” winking at you, you shoved him out of the apartment, shaking your head.

“Good night!” you said before closing the door behind them, letting out a long sigh.

“Your brothers are…nice.” Malcolm started. You winced at his choice of words. In your head, it all worked out way better.

“I’m sorry, Mal…They can be quite protective.”

“No, it’s fine, I get it. They’re, uh, very into this religious thing, huh?”

“Oh, you have noooo idea.” you chuckled.

“Why didn’t you tell me they were coming by?”

“I don’t know…I guess I didn’t want you to think that you’re not good enough for this case.”

“But?”

“But I need you to trust me when I tell you that Sam & Dean are the ones who should handle this one.”

“I trust you, you know that, (Y/N). But you have to give me permission to say “I told you so.” when we solve this case without their help.” Malcolm held out his hand for you to shake.

“Deal.” you smiled at him. Your brothers & boyfriend might not become best friends but you did not expect them to. All you wanted was to get rid of whatever killed that priest. And you knew that the supernatural feared Sam & Dean. This would be over soon.

“You sure these are the same guys who were at our apartment yesterday?” Malcolm whispered to you when you were approaching two men in suits. Not their usual flannel attire, they were working a job after all.

“Just play along, alright?” Malcolm nodded at you. He promised to trust you on this & you seemed like you knew what you were doing.

“Detectives.” Dean greeted you.

“Shut up.” you threw back almost immediately. Sam & Dean laughed at your comment.

“I missed you, lil sis.” Dean said with a genuine tone, one that made you smile wildly.

“Alright, let’s do this.” Sam knocked on the door, waiting for it to open. They introduced themselves as FBI & showed the woman in the doorway their badges. Shooting Malcolm a look as if to say “Don’t ask.” & he just acted as if he had not seen this. The woman led you upstairs to a room. She warned you to not cross the salt lines. All of you nodded. Well, all but Malcolm. The poor man could not understand a thing. Sometimes you wished you were this innocent when it came to cases like this. If it were not for Malcolm, this would have felt like the good old days when you spent your time solving case after case with your brothers. Yeah, it had been dangerous & exhausting but you still liked being a hunter. Also, the three of you were one hell of a team.

The door opened & you were met with countless geometrical lines made out of salt. Because a simple circle would not do the job or what? Fucking show-off. Careful not to mess with the salt, the four of you stepped inside the dark room. Norman’s back was facing you. While Sam & Dean simply took in the room to check for any indicators of anything supernatural, Malcolm started interrogating Norman. You signaled the boys to let him do his job.

“The salt keeps him out.” suddenly, Norman’s voice was way deeper than when he first started talking. Weird guy. Still, you did not think it was him.

“Who?” Malcolm asked in a calm voice. He was good at this. Even though he almost always got himself killed.

“The demon.” Norman said. What the hell was wrong with him? Malcolm turned around to you & found the three of you rolling your eyes. Really desperate if a person wanted to be a demon.

“He’s clearly mentally ill.” Malcolm stated quietly.

“Oh, really?” you sarcastically shot back. Who would have thought? Malcolm started lifting one of his foot, meaning to cross the line.

“Mal, wait. Don’t.” you warned him but when did Malcolm ever listen? You were not sure how Norman even noticed Malcolm crossing the line, his back was still facing you after all, but all of a sudden things escalated. Apparently, Norman thought Malcolm was a demon. He was everything but, really. He just had some demons to fight but he was not one. Norman was grabbing a lamp, wanting to attack Malcolm with it but you got everything sorted before anything bad could happen. Norman was on his way in the hospital & you were just glad that everyone was fine.

When all of you were outside the house again, Sam & Dean looked annoyed.

“Dude, we wasted time with this madman.” Dean started. “That’s bullshit.”

“Dean, stop.” you cut him off before the situation got too intense. “He was the only suspect we had. We couldn’t have known he was mentally ill.”

“We should check out the church tonight.” Sam suggested.

“Why at night?” Malcolm asked curiously.

“Oh, look how precious he is.” Dean mocked. If he kept acting that way you might as well salt & burn his bones next. Turning to Malcolm, you tried reasoning with him.

“Because we can’t risk people watching us. Not when we’re doing this.” Malcolm understood but he also planned a lot of questions for when you were back home.

“Alright, we’ll meet there later. Dean & I will take care of everything we might need.” Sam said before walking off to Baby.

“I see you took great care of her.” nudging Dean, motioning at the beautiful ’67 Chevy Impala. Another thing you had missed dearly. Countless nights had been spent in the backseat, you associated this car with a lot of happy memories.

“Always.” Dean smiled at you. “Baby misses you, too, you know?”

“I’m sure she does. After all, I had the brains. Of course she misses my smartness.” Dean shook his head at you, rolling his eyes at the same time. Saying goodbye & turning around, Malcolm gave you a look.

“What?”

“Baby? Her? You sure you were talking about the car?” oh, that was bothering him. Now you understood.

“It’s a long story.” you laughed & gave him a kiss on the cheek before walking past him. He let out a short laugh & smiled at your actions.

“(Y/N)? I think we should talk.” Malcolm started shortly after you entered your shared apartment.

“Oh no…that’s never a good sign.”

“What’s going on here?” you could tell he was serious. Fuck, you hated lying to him. One of the reasons why you had barely mentioned your brothers was to avoid questions you did not want to answer. It was now or never. Telling Malcolm to sit down, you were about to start at the very beginning. There were still a few hours left before you had to be at the church, might as well use it appropriately. Hopefully, Malcolm did not decide to leave you after opening up to him.

“So…you’re telling me that monsters are real, your brothers hunt them down & you used to help them before you left.” you nodded when Malcolm tried processing what you had just told him. “And my girlfriend saved the world more than once.” he concluded.

“Pretty much, yeah.” he was silent for a few seconds. That would be the moment he would ask you to leave.

“My girlfriend is a badass.” Malcolm mumbled & started laughing then. You joined in.

“Really? That’s all you have to say?” you questioned, not really believing that he dealt with it so casually.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m freaking out.” he confessed. “You know, makes me think of all the cases we couldn’t solve. Maybe we weren’t successful because of…supernatural beings playing a part. But honestly, it’s just another thing that got added to my plate. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Mal…”

“No, really. I mean it. Besides, now I know that if I ever meet a monster, you’re here to fight it off. Or your brothers. If I were a monster, I’d be scared as shit of them.” Malcolm finished & you laughed, throwing your entire body back on the couch. That actually went quite well? At least something positive.

Churches were creepy in general. But churches at night? That was a whole other level of madness. You met Sam & Dean at the Impala, Dean’s face buried in the trunk, looking for suitable weapons. Malcolm had promised not to question your actions & you were thankful for it. Because you had other things to focus on. Dean handed out weapons which you gladly accepted.

“Mal? You gotta promise me to stay behind.” concerning eyes met his & he knew better than to argue with you. Malcolm gulped but nodded anyway.

“You ready to do this?” Sam asked.

“I am but I think (Y/N)’s a little rusty.” Dean commented.

“Just...let’s get this over with…” rolling your eyes at Dean, you hated to admit that he was most likely right. You had not been on a hunt in a very long time but you knew you could fight when push came to shove.

The four of you entered the church silently, weapons at ready. After walking around for a while, Dean lifted his hand to stop you all. Trying to get a better look at what made him freeze, you were shocked when you saw Jonah, the painter, pacing these holy grounds. Why did you not think of him? It was quite obvious, really. Maybe you were getting rusty.

“Well, he is a demon, no doubts, but he isn’t Abaddon.” Dean spoke, quietly enough as to not get caught. “So if you guys distract this son of a bitch, I can catch him off guard from behind & stab him.”

“No, wait. You can’t kill him, Dean.” you argued. There was still a possibility of a human being somewhere inside.

“What? Why?” Dean turned towards you & tilted his head in confusion. Sighing out, you tried to talk some sense into him.

“Let Sam do an exorcism. We don’t know if Jonah’s still in there.” Dean thought about this for a few seconds but nodded afterwards. Sam grabbed an old lore book with the exorcism inside. He remembered the words by heart but better safe than sorry, right? Your plan was to stay hidden, the church was dark enough to do that without getting caught.

The demon was confused when he heard the first words of the exorcism, already struggling to stay inside Jonah. Good, he was not a strong one. Malcolm stayed close with you. Sam & Dean each took one side of the church, just in case something went wrong. Sam continued with the latin words & the demon was unable to move anymore. He was trapped in one place. That was when all of you made yourself shown to him. Hopefully, Jonah was still alive in there. If not, you had a lot of explaining to do. You already had but another dead person would make everything even more complicated.

“I AM ABADDON!” the demon screamed & you noticed that he barely had enough strength to stay in Jonah’s body anymore. Malcolm stayed in the background, simply observing & letting you do your job.

“I’m sure you wanna be, pal.” Dean got closer to the demon but not too close for it to be dangerous. “But we got rid of her a long time ago.” and it was true. Abaddon’s death was years ago. Why this demon thought to be her? You were not sure. But you also did not care. You just wanted this to be over. Sam finished the ritual & black smoke came out of Jonah’s mouth. After that, he fell to the floor & all of you ran over to him. Malcolm checked for a pulse & nodded when he felt it. Letting out a breath, you were glad that you could save him. Grabbing your phone out of your pocket, you dialed 911 & called Gil right after.

In no time, cars were surrounding the church. Sam, Dean, Malcom & you were standing in a small circle outside. Gil approached you.

“What the hell happened? And who the hell are you guys?” the second question was directed at your brothers who coughed a little, not knowing how to answer. Time to sell a little fake story.

“Gil, these are Sam & Dean, my brothers.” Gil shook both men’s hands.

“Didn’t know you had brothers.” he noted.

“Long story…Anyway, they came to visit & stayed at our apartment. They kinda overheard Malcolm & I talking about the case. Sam, here, has the brains-“

“Hey!” Dean feigned hurt at your words.

“And he pieced everything together. We didn’t wanna waste time & before I even had the chance to call you, we had already caught him.” as soon as you finished, Malcolm joined in to help with your little white lie.

“Jonah was poisoned by the lead in the paint he was using. It can cause dissociative behavior that can be mistaken for possession.” thank God for Malcolm “Human Dictionary” Bright. Gil could not argue with this so he simply went back over to the rest of the team. Nice job.

“Thanks guys.” addressing Sam & Dean.

“So that’s it, huh?” Sam asked, sad that he knew he had to let you go again. Yet, he supported your decision.

“Hey, Malcolm?” Dean looked at him. “I wanna show you something, come on.” Malcolm followed Dean to the black car which left you alone with Sam.

“He’s gonna kill him, isn’t he?” Sam laughed at your words.

“Possibly.” then he turned serious again. “I miss you.” Sam confessed, his jaw clenching.

“I miss you, too, Sammy.” looking up at him, you continued. “And I’m sorry for disappearing off the radar. It’s just…when I left, this entire starting new thing took more time than I thought it would.”

“I get it & I’m not asking you to come back with us. I can see that you like it here. You’ve finally found your happiness & by the way Malcolm looks at you? He’s utterly in love with you, (Y/N). Take care of yourself, okay?”

“I will, I promise. You, too. Call me when you’re starting the next apocalypse.” you joked with him. He then pulled you into a big hug, one that you had missed so much. Sam always gave the best hugs.

“What is it?” Malcolm asked Dean, nervous as to why he wanted to talk to him alone.

“Look, man, (Y/N)’s my little sister & I’d do anything for her. So if you ever hurt her…know that I’ll beat the crap outta you.” Malcolm gulped but found enough courage to answer him.

“I love (Y/N). I’d never to do anything to hurt her. I get why you worry, I do. But she’s safe here. I promise.”

“Hey Dean, go easy on him.” their heads snapped in the direction your voice was coming from. By the smile on your face, he knew you were joking. Sam & you reached the car.

“I’ll miss you.” approaching Dean, you were more than satisfied when he opened his arms for you to pull you into a hug. He pressed a soft kiss on top of your head before releasing you again.

“Malcolm promised me to keep you safe.”

“Did he now?” turning around, eyeing your boyfriend with a smirk.

“Check in with us, okay?” Dean grew serious.

“I will, I promise. You guys take care of yourselves, okay?” both men nodded. “Tell Cas I said hi. How are you two doing anyway?” you stopped briefly to wink at him which made Sam chuckle quietly. “And bring him next time.”

“Alright, goodbye.” Dean said, laughing at you, Sam joining him.

“Bye, guys.” you waved at them when they got into the car.

Leaning into Malcolm’s side, you could feel his arm sneaking around your waist to keep your close. For a few moments, you stood there in silence, watching the Impala slowly disappear out of your view.

“Do I need to be jealous of this Cas guy?” Malcolm asked all of a sudden & you broke out into laughter. His confused face was hilarious.

“Trust me, Mal. If you meet him, you’ll know that there’s no need to be jealous.” tears were threatening to escape your eyes. The simple image of you & Cas together made you laugh out loud.

“I guess I need to trust you on that.”

“Hey, remember what you said when you thought we wouldn’t need help solving this case?” you asked him, changing the topic entirely. His face showed you that he did, in fact, not remember.

“I told you so.” you smirked at him, enjoying how his smile slowly faltered. Rolling his eyes at you, he wanted to say a witty remark. You knew what he was trying to do but before he had the chance, you silenced him with a long, soft kiss. That always managed to do the job. Pulling away after a few seconds, you lovingly stared into his eyes. This moment could have been overly romantic. If it were not for you putting salt into his wound.

“I told you so.” repeating your previous words, you walked away from him, sarcastically smiling as you did so. You were right about this & Malcolm prepared himself to hear the same words over & over from now on.

Published (04/15/2021) by Cathy

Tags: @thefictionalgemini, @prodigalsonlovingbisexual, @octopus5555, @claudiaparker30, @the-unknown-fan-girl, @popcornanon, @jasminetea-andpaisho, @anatanotegami, @blackandwhitejoker (thanks for your support <3)