#the credit card company who I’ve never once wronged: FUCK YOU STOP SPENDING YOUR OWN MONEY LIKE THAT ITS SCARING THE FRAUD SYSTEM

[badolmen]

I’m really frustrated my card got locked on Friday - I’ve been going through donating $5 to roughly 12-14 campaigns for weeks now but this week it gets flagged as potential fraud? Not only that the company is closed on the weekends so I have to wait until Monday to unlock my card (if I was still living alone and had to buy my own groceries/pay for gas I would be in trouble).

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twenty-One

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: as someone who is physically incapable of reading fics and other long tumblr posts line by line and word for word, i think it’s so fucking cool that a bunch of you regularly, excitedly read what i post. i would not blame you at all for skim reading. thank you.

***

The majority of Cassian’s life was spent battling with the fact of his own existence. First he was fatherless, then motherless, then homeless. Being taken in by Rhys’s parents, who bought him nice clothes and nicer gifts, was like putting a bandaid over a stab wound. It couldn’t change the questions that made up Cassian at his core: was he equal to everyone else in this world, or had he been born inherently inferior? Did he deserve the same happinesses that his friends so carelessly reaped, or should he step back and know his place?

The older he grew, the more he grappled with those questions—until the night he learned who his father was, and the truth behind his existence. That he was likely a product of rape. Nearly driving himself drunk off a mountainside in Monte Carlo was enough to make him realize with a startling clarity: he couldn’t keep asking himself the same questions for the rest of his life. At some point, he was going to have to buck the fuck up and make his peace with the world, whether he believed he deserved to be in it or not. And though it might have taken him a while to reach that conclusion, Cassian can proudly say he did it. Not long into his post-college years, Cassian finally grew up.

By twenty-seven, he was secure enough in himself and his place in the world to not have to deal with those doubtful voices every waking minute. His life was figured out, and his ego was unshakeable. Until Nesta Archeron entered the story.

Now at twenty-eight, Cassian is again unsecured—this time in a less tragic but more confusing way. Because everything he thinks he knows about himself, about life, she insists on proving wrong.

Including the issue of celebrating his birthday.

“I feel like I should have asked this earlier,” Cassian mutters to Nesta as they stand in the cozy resort lobby, “but why is Az here?”

Nesta looks both humiliated and resigned when she mutters back, “He wouldn’t pay for the resort unless I let him come with us.”

“At that point you should’ve just let me pay, babe.” He watches Azriel’s back as he chats up the lady at the front desk while getting their room keys.

“On your own birthday? It would have ruined the point,” Nesta says.

Cassian doesn’t retort that having his brother present at their couple’s retreat also ruins the point. He’s sure she already knows.

Nesta’s reaction when Cassian told her that he didn’t celebrate his birthday was unforgettable.

“No one in our inner circle really cares about birthdays,” he had shrugged. “Feyre’s birthday is the exception because she’s sort of the outsider, and Rhys will find any excuse to worship at her feet. But the rest of us? I don’t know, it was never a big deal.”

As someone who’s never skipped a birthday once in her life, even when she was isolated and ignoring her family’s phone calls, Nesta took this as a personal offense. “I need to get you out of this cabin,” she stated.

Which brings them here, to Colorado’s finest ski resort situated high in the Rocky Mountains. The lobby is littered with overstuffed armchairs and a crackling fireplace, and huge windows look out over the blinding white mountains.

Az starts heading their way, key cards in hand, when Cassian suddenly turns to Nesta. “We need to find him a woman,” he whispers.

“What?”

“We can’t let him third wheel with us for the whole weekend. We’ll never get time alone.” Cassian is set on this new plan, already scanning the lobby for women around Azriel’s age.

“I agree, but—”

Azriel reaches the two of them, tossing a room card to Nesta. “You can stop talking about me now. I’ll be spending most of my time hitting the slopes.”

Cassian and Nesta mumble a halfhearted, “We weren’t talking about you.”

He narrows his eyes at them. “Uh-huh. Just remember whose credit card this is going on.” Picking up his ski gear and duffel bag, he turns for the elevator.

Nesta frowns up at Cassian once Az is gone, more adorably than she probably intends. “Do you think he’s upset?”

He scoffs. “We should be upset at him.” He doesn’t want to have to worry about his brother while he’s on vacation, and Az definitely wouldn’t want him to worry either, but it isn’t something that can be helped.

Despite his irritation, he might go skiing with Az later this afternoon. Just to keep him company.

***

Nesta will give it to Azriel—he’s a man of fine taste, and also generous with his spending. She originally wanted a normal room for her and Cassian, preferably the cheapest one, but Az went behind her back and upgraded them to a fully decked out penthouse suite.

“This is too much for just a weekend,” she tells him over the phone while Cassian is in the bathroom. “How am I supposed to pay you back for this?”

“Why would you pay me back?” he says dismissively. “I’m rich.”

When Nesta tries arguing with him, he only replies, “I don’t take money from poor people,” and hangs up on her.

Which leaves Nesta to enjoy the four-spray shower and heated bathroom tiles free of charge. By the time she comes out of the shower, Cassian has already left with Azriel to hit some slopes before dinner, though not before leaving her a note promising to teach her how to ski tomorrow.

Nesta doesn’t even get to unwrap her towel from her body before realizing her phone is ringing incessantly, all the way from the other side of the suite. Jogging over to the living area, Nesta answers Emerie’s call. “What’s up?”

“Where are you?” Emerie greets without introduction.

“At the ski lodge?” Nesta answers, confused. “I already told you, for Cassian’s birthday.”

“I know that,” Emerie hisses. “I mean what room are you in? This place is huge.”

“Wait—you’re here?” Nesta looks quickly around herself, as if Emerie will pop up from behind the couch.

“Not just me. So is Gwyn.” Nesta hears rustling on the other side of the line, and then Emerie saying from a distance, “Answer for your crimes, Gwyneth. Say hi.”

A new, clearer voice comes over the phone. “Hiii, Nesta.” Gwyn sounds weak, like she is not having fun at all.

“What the hell do you two think you’re doing?” Nesta demands.

“Well, it’s a long story and I need to see you first. Also, I have to pee. Where is your room?”

Five minutes later, Gwyn and Emerie are sitting obediently before the roaring fireplace in Nesta and Cassian’s suite.

Now fully dressed, Nesta stabs a finger at Emerie. “Explain.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Emerie says indignantly. “Gwyn barged into my place at eight in the morning and dragged me all the way here—”

“It was an emergency!” Gwyn tosses her hands in the air. “It still is an emergency. That’s why we’re here.”

“I’m here because Gwyn is scared of traveling alone,” Emerie interjects. “And driving on highways.”

“Guys!” Nesta snaps.

Gwyn makes a whining sound of defeat and drops her head into her hands. After a long moment, she speaks. “He asked if we could go to dinner together. Like, right to my face. And I panicked and said yes, because I couldn’t think of a reason to say no, but obviously I can’t do that. So this morning I cashed in my sick days and told him I was going on vacation for a whole week.” Gwyn looks up at Nesta with pleading teal eyes. “Please can we stay here the whole week?”

Nesta stares at Gwyn, feeling like her brain was just sucked dry. “First of all, who’s ‘he’?”

“Max!” She stands in her outburst. “The love of my life. The man who works on the fourth floor of the library. Do you pay attention to the groupchat at all?”

Oh yeah, that guy. “You came all the way here,” Nesta drawls out slowly, “so you wouldn’t have to have dinner with your crush?”

“It wasn’t just any dinner.” Gwyn flops back onto the couch. “It was a date. I can’t go on a date with him. First dates lead to second dates, and second dates lead to—sex.” She whispers the last word.

“Really?” Emerie frowns, not missing a beat at the mention of Gwyn’s deepest fear. “What kind of dates have you been having?”

“I haven’t been having any dates,” Gwyn says. “Why, how long do you usually see someone before doing it?”

“First date, at most,” Emerie shrugs.

“No,” Nesta steps in, sending Emerie a bewildered look. “Gwyn, you’ve known this guy for a while now. If he’s half as decent as you think he is, he won’t expect sex by the second date. And even if he does—”

“What does it matter?” Gwyn wails. “It’ll come up eventually. And when it does, he’ll think I’m a freak.”

“He won’t get a chance to think anything before I kill him,” Emerie says, eyes darkening.

Nesta says nothing, knowing this is something she can’t advise Gwyn about. Whether or not Gwyn chooses to share her past and unresolved trauma with another man, and whether or not that man reacts in an unshitty way isn’t something Nesta can determine. So she just states for the record, “You’re not a freak.”

“But it’s what he’ll think.”

“Then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place,” Nesta says firmly. Even though she knows better than anyone that it isn’t always that simple.

Proving her point, Gwyn scoffs and looks away. “You don’t get it.”

“What I really don’t get,” Nesta says, “is why you took your lie so literally. Why did you come all the way out here instead of hiding out at home for the week?”

“Merrill sees and knows everything. I can’t lie to her.” Gwyn cringes. “If I stayed at home, she would sniff me out as soon as she got me on the phone, and then I’d really be screwed.”

Nesta cocks her head at Gwyn, squinting her eyes in something akin to fascination.

“I had the same reaction,” Emerie pipes up. She shakes her head at Gwyn. “I’ve never met a more melodramatic idiot, truly.”

Gwyn curls into herself on the couch, looking ashamed.

Nesta sighs sharply, then whips out a hand. “Give me your wallets. I’ll go downstairs right now and see if I can book a room last minute.”

Emerie sits up at that. “Uh… I’m not sure I can afford a place like this.”

“Neither can I,” Nesta says. “That’s why Azriel paid for all of us.”

Gwyn’s eyes go comically round. “Azriel’s here?”

“Unfortunately.” She snaps her fingers at both girls. “Credit or debit, now.”

“So… I’m assuming we can’t just share this huge suite with you guys, huh?” Gwyn says hesitantly.

There might be actual flames in Nesta’s eyes. This is Cassian’s birthday, goddammit. Cassian, who hasn’t celebrated a birthday since he was eleven. “Please don’t push me.”

Gwyn and Emerie, very reluctantly, hand their cards over to Nesta. Emerie hands over two, just in case.

In the end, Nesta doesn’t use any of their money, but charges the new room to her own account. She’ll work it off by putting extra hours into Night Court, she tells herself.

When she returns to the penthouse suite, she spies tracks outlined in melted snow at the doorway. Shit. She barges inside to find Cassian and Azriel standing in the middle of the living area, with Emerie looking awkward on the couch.

“Uh, we just got back—” Cassian starts.

“I can explain,” Nesta interrupts.

A faucet turns off in the distance, and Gwyn peeks her head out of the bathroom door.

“Oh, shit,” Azriel says in delight. “Freckles is here too?”

Gwyn looks like she’s about to turn right back around to the bathroom. Nesta and Cassian both throw Az a baffled look, but Nesta says, “I can fix this. I’ve already fixed it.” She goes over to Emerie and hands her a key card. “You and Gwyn are going to stay on the first floor, and you won’t bother me or Cassian for the duration of our stay. It’ll be like you’re not even here.” She whips toward Gwyn, who still hovers near the bathroom doorway. “And at the end of this weekend, you’re going back to work like the adult you are and taking care of your shit.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Gwyn says quietly, lowering her head.

Cassian comes over to Nesta, whispering, “So, you didn’t invite them to keep Az company or anything, right?”

“I can hear you,” Azriel says.

“Of course not,” Nesta whispers back. “That’s a terrible idea.”

“Really? Because I thought it was kind of convenient—”

“I can still hear you,” Az repeats.

“So can I,” Emerie nods.

“Shut up,” Nesta hisses at the both of them. Grabbing Cassian’s still-gloved hand, she drags him upstairs and away to their bedroom. When the door shuts behind them, she turns to him and blurts, “I’m so sorry.”

Cassian only laughs, taking his ski jacket off and brushing away the wet snow from the back. “I’m not.” He tosses his jacket and gloves over a chair and approaches Nesta, tugging her closer by her oversized turtleneck. “And what did I tell you about wasting your apologies?”

Nesta doesn’t care. “I ruined your birthday.”

“My birthday’s not until tomorrow,” he says with a straight face. “But honestly, I like this a lot more than just you, me, and Az. At least he can’t third wheel anymore, right?”

She shakes her head insistently, frustration boiling in her blood. “Everything’s going wrong.”

“But you solved our problems.” He finds Nesta’s clenched fists and unfurls them with gentle hands. “You got the girls their own room, and now Az can be distracted with those two. We can still be alone. We win.”

Nesta purses her lips, unconvinced, when Cassian adds, “But seriously, though—what the fuck are they doing here?”

She exhales deeply, letting her head drop forward onto Cassian’s chest. “I don’t know,” she mutters. “Gwyn panicked about some personal stuff and thought it was a good idea to come to me. I don’t want to make her leave, though.” Gwyn is being stupid right now, without a doubt, but Nesta won’t abandon her. Neither will Emerie.

God, having friends sucks.

Cassian threads a hand through her loose hair and hums. “Gwyn was smart for coming to you.”

***

Dinner is held outside in the snow and cold, but everyone bundles up and sits down at a table that surrounds one of the multiple fire pits in the courtyard. Cassian convinced Nesta to let Gwyn and Emerie hang out with them for the weekend, because what else are those poor girls supposed to do, and now the women babble over each other as they decide what to drink.

Cassian sits back and takes it in, the sight feeling heartwarmingly familiar and strangely brand new at the same time. Nesta ends up being the one to order everybody’s drinks, and once the waiter scampers back inside, Gwyn releases a terse breath. “Sometimes I still get scared of that tone.”

“I’m always scared of it,” Az mutters, eyeing Nesta from the corner of his eye.

“What tone?” Cassian laughs. He knows Nesta is still a little wound up from her plans going off the rails, but she hasn’t done anything scary.

“I’m used to it,” Emerie says through a mouthful of fries, “but I think that waiter almost cried.”

“That’s how I sound all the time.” Nesta shrugs, sitting back.

“What tone?” Cassian repeats.

Nesta clicks her tongue impatiently. “You know how I talk. I’m straightforward.”

“And harsh,” Azriel adds. “Even aggressive.”

“Watch it.” Gwyn turns stern eyes onto him over the fire pit.

“I have no idea what you all are talking about,” Cassian says. He turns to Nesta. “You sound perfectly normal to me.”

She narrows her perfect brows at him, and Emerie laughs, “I don’t know if that’s romantic or ignorant.”

But now that they’re discussing it, Cassian does distinctly remember Nesta having a sharp edge to her words while they were getting to know each other. Did it disappear over time, or has he really stopped noticing it?

He doesn’t get to think about it before their drinks arrive, followed soon by a dinner of fancy sandwiches.

Cassian cuts his beef sandwich in half and gives the other half to Nesta, and she does the same with her turkey sandwich. They eat and drink around the crackling fire, laughing and talking about tomorrow’s plans (“It’s not your birthday, Azriel,” Nesta says. “Stop asking about gifts.”). Cassian and Emerie talk idly about video games over wine, and even though it isn’t really his thing, he can see her excitement over it and gladly indulges it.

Once everyone is finished eating and is slightly drunk, Gwyn pulls a small sleeve of crackers out of her puffy jacket, followed by a fun-sized Hershey’s bar and a handful of mini marshmallows.

“What are you doing?” Nesta says.

“Making dessert.” Gwyn builds a mini s’more and places it carefully on her fork so she can toast it over the fire pit. When it’s done, she leans forward even more to try to put it on Nesta’s plate. “For you. Thank you for letting me and Emerie stay.”

Nesta jumps, catching the s’more with her plate and batting Gwyn away from the fire pit at the same time. “You’ll set your hair on fire,” she hisses.

Gwyn’s hair remains safe, but now Cassian catches his brother watching Gwyn amusedly from the corner of his eye. “Can I have one?” Az says.

“I’m all out.” Gwyn says while building another s’more, refusing to meet his eyes.

Cassian and Nesta share a look, a hundred words thrown back and forth between them in that glance. She scoots her chair closer to him to slip her cold hands into his warm ones, but while the conversation carries on around the table, she leans in and whispers, “I’m not a busybody but…”

“I am,” he whispers back. “Az is being weird, weirder than usual.”

Nesta nods. “I’ve never seen him so—outgoing.”

Neither has Cassian, but before he can mention anything else, he looks up to find that Gwyn and Azriel’s seats at the table are empty. “How much did those two drink?” he breathes.

Nesta follows his gaze, seeing what he’s seeing: Azriel and Gwyn wandering clumsily around the snowy courtyard. Or rather, Az is trying to chase Gwyn down for a s’more, while she clutches her mini marshmallows to her chest and vehemently yells, “They’re mine!”

Meanwhile, Emerie is half asleep at the table.

Cassian watches as Gwyn nears the towering fir tree at the center of the courtyard and slips. Az shoots out a hand to catch her, but not before her ass hits the stone, hard. He pulls her back up, no longer fooling around, and Gwyn rubs her butt in pain.

Cassian suddenly feels Nesta squeezing the life out of his hands, and he looks over to find fury written across her face. For a heartbeat, he feels worried for Az.

“Go deal with him,” Nesta says lowly. “Before I do.”

Not needing any more words to understand, he stands out of his seat and heads out into the courtyard. He doesn’t know why Nesta thinks Gwyn needs protecting, but it makes him feel protective himself. Approaching the duo, he sees that Azriel finally acquired the leftover s’more ingredients from Gwyn.

“There’s only like half a cracker left,” Az mutters to himself, shaking the baggie.

“Is he bothering you?” Cassian asks Gwyn, who still looks grumpy over losing their skirmish.

Whipping her head to Cassian like he’s her savior, Gwyn nods furiously. “Please make him stop.”

Cassian turns to Azriel with rage in his eyes, a clear What the fuck do you think you’re doing?

But Az shakes his head in denial. “It’s not like that. Look, she’s smirking at me!” He points over Cassian’s shoulder.

When Cassian looks, Gwyn is already walking back to the fire pit, holding her bruised ass.

Az starts, “What a fake little—”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Cassian interrupts. “Yesterday you’re crying over Elain and today you’re flirting with Nesta’s friend?”

Azriel goes serious, his face turning colder than the night air. “How do you know about Elain?” he says gruffly.

“Everyone knows, Azriel.” Cassian stares down his brother, wondering if he’ll finally get him to get his head screwed on straight after these past weeks of secretive bullshit.

Azriel sets his jaw, but a muscle there ticks.

“Will you finally at least tell me what’s going on in your head?” Cassian pleads. “Because I can’t keep guessing.”

Azriel glances toward the dinner table, as if checking to see that no one is paying attention to them. Looking back, he inhales a breath. “You want to know why I left Velaris?”

Like Nesta, Azriel is not one to quickly make himself vulnerable. So there’s no blatant emotion in his voice when he says, “I started seeing her at the end of summer, not long after she broke up with her ex. And it was so…nice after every other relationship I’ve been in has gone wrong. We kept it quiet, and because of that, it was peaceful.” Azriel’s eyes meet Cassian’s twin ones, and he smirks without humor. “But you already know what that’s like, don’t you?”

He does. Cassian crosses his arms, waiting for Az to continue.

“Anyway, we had a good run. For a long time, it was mostly just sex, but I liked her. I liked her a lot.” Az kicks at the snow-dusted cobblestones. “Then Christmas came around, and Rhys found out.” His face darkens as he remembers, and Cassian stiffens, knowing what’s next isn’t good. Sometimes Rhys forgets the boundary between boss and brother.

“He didn’t say anything about it to Elain, of course,” Azriel says. “But he dragged my ass aside and gave me this huge lecture about us using each other as rebounds. Said ‘Feyre’s sister’ deserves better or some shit. I told him there was more to it than that, but he wouldn’t listen. Instead he brought Vanserra & Co. into it, like his business matters had anything to do with me and Elain.” Azriel’s eyes crinkle at the corners in a puzzled way. “So I got to thinking, ‘why would he bring the Vanserras up?’ He made it seem like such a big deal.” The toe of his boot digs a hole into the ground.

Sympathy churns alongside anger in Cassian’s chest for Azriel’s situation, anger at Rhysand for crossing that line between brothers. He’s only momentarily grateful that Rhys never tried doing something similar to him and Nesta.

“I thought she was over that other guy, Lucien,” Az continues. “But maybe she’s not, if Rhys is so concerned about what Lucien’s stepfather thinks. Anyway, that’s why I ran. Because I knew she liked me, but I also knew she didn’t love me. I didn’t want us to cause all that trouble with Rhys just to end up backed into a corner one day, having nowhere else to go because she loves someone else and I’m just a rebound. It would be awkward for everyone involved.” He scratches the back of his neck. “It’s mostly my fault, for always chasing after women I can’t have.” He finally looks up at Cassian. “When you talk to Elain, does it sound like she hates me?” The question is quiet, straightforward.

“No,” Cassian answers, voice rough. Even if Azriel wants to hide his feelings, Cassian won’t. “She doesn’t seem like she hates you. I don’t even think she’s mad at you.” Concerned, anxious, upset—that’s Elain as far as he knows.

“She should hate me,” Azriel says. “She should get pissed, burn my old clothes, and swear to never talk to me again. That’s the only way she can move on.” Maybe even move back to Lucien, is what goes unsaid.

Cassian isn’t so sure about that. Even as he feels for Az, he thinks both of his brothers should get slapped upside the head for how they’ve been acting lately. He won’t be the one to do it, but he might get Nesta to relay a message to Elain. It’ll be the same thing. “I’m sorry,” he tells Az instead. “I know I’ve been hard on you lately. When we get home, I’ll start doing better.” He claps Az on the shoulder and squeezes.

Azriel surprises him by scoffing, looking away in disbelief. “Wow, being compassionate is really a full time job for you, huh?” He claps Cassian’s shoulder back, pulling him into a sudden hug. “You’ve already done more than enough,” he says into Cassian’s ear. “Go to your girlfriend and take a rest.”

Taken aback, Cassian nods and pulls away. He’s about to turn around and leave when Az says, “By the way, I wasn’t flirting with Gwyn.”

Cassian raises a brow. “You were definitely doing something.”

Az rolls his eyes. “I’m not giving her anything she can’t handle. But in case you haven’t noticed, I have no interest in other women right now.” He makes a face. “Especially not her.”

Cassian chuckles. “I believe you. It’s Nesta you need to worry about.”

“Whatever. I’m not scared of her.”

That makes Cassian laugh even harder, but he turns around, ready to go back to said girlfriend. As he nears the fire pit, though, he finds that Gwyn is already there and cuddled up to Nesta. On Nesta’s other side, Emerie now sits in Cassian’s chair, asleep on her friend’s shoulder. He stops in his tracks.

Cassian wasn’t lying when he told Nesta that he was happy about their changed vacation plans—he believes the more the merrier, and he loves these people. Yet he can’t help but wish the two of them could be alone for just one day. Only one.

God, sometimes having friends sucks.

***

a/n: this is a two parter so next chapter we’ll finally be getting more nessian alone time

tagging: @hellasblessed @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @wannawriteyouabook @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @planet-faerie @shallowhighwaters @ghostlyrose2 @chosenfamily-valkyriequeens @rarephloxes @readiajin @nessiantrashh @live-the-fangirl-life @ifinallygavein @xoblivisci @sjmships @jungtaekwoonie-is-life @lysandra-tiara @lanyjoy-13 @frosted-crackers @post-it-notes33 @loosingdreams @fromthelibraryofemilyj @18moneytoad @dontgetsalmonella @champanheandluxxury @togreblog @arinbelle @ladygabrielli1997 @meridainthedisneyland

[redlavendertea]

Rhinoceros Inc.

Have you ever wanted to get out of a work or school obligation, but didn’t have a genuine excuse? Have you ever wanted to get revenge on someone who did you wrong - but not too much revenge? We here at Rhinoceros Inc. have the perfect solution: a cold. Yes, that’s right - with just a few clicks of the mouse, you can purchase your very own cold, to infect yourself, or another person of your choosing.

We offer mild, medium, and severe packages, with customizable symptoms and duration. Click here to place your order!

Chrysanthemum Wu, Cold Psychic, has a really annoying roommate named Giselle who won’t stop throwing herself elaborate birthday parties in their tiny apartment. In a fit of annoyance, she orders up some revenge from Rhinoceros Inc., a mysterious online retailer that promises to give a cold to a chosen target. To her surprise, it actually works - but who or what is Rhinoceros Inc.? Could Chrysanthemum have finally found other people with cold-based powers? Author’s Note: A long time ago, I saw a post that mentioned the possibility of buying colds on the Internet. I thought that idea was amazing and decided to run with it…and apply it to my OCs. There’s definitely a lot of snz here, but it’s also fairly plot heavy.

This is part one - part two will come if and when I feel like it, which depends both on my schedule and how interested people are in part one. It’s about 5k.

ko-fi | commissions

~`~`~. For the past week, Chrysanthemum’s apartment has been exploding with people.

Her roommate Giselle had a birthday this week, and according to Giselle, birthdays are to be celebrated for at least a solid week. One day, she had her six siblings and thirteen cousins over to drink Midori sours and watch Project Runway, the next she had twenty high school friends over for a dance party, and the day after that it was her college buddies watching American Horror Story and smoking weed. When Chrysanthemum decides she’s had enough of this shit, Giselle’s adult kickball league is watching videos of their previous games and screaming at them. They are planning on having a pillow fight soon. Chrysanthemum has been invited to participate, but given that it’s 2 AM and she has an opening shift at the tutoring center tomorrow, she isn’t into it. What she wants is for Giselle and her friends to shut up and go home. There’s another party scheduled for tomorrow - this one involving a croquet course that Giselle is planning to set up in the living room. Likely, the parties won’t end until two or three days from now. Giselle never once asked if Chrysanthemum was cool with this, and she’d completely ignored her suggestions that perhaps some of these parties take place outside of their tiny apartment. “It’s cold out!” she’d complained, crossing her arms and pouting. “I don’t want to be dragging a bunch of people around in the middle of the night when it’s less than ten degrees outside - we’ll get sick!” Chrysanthemum had wished that they would - or at least, that Giselle would. That would put a halt to the never-ending parties pretty quick, and even if it didn’t, it would at least feel good to see her be inconvenienced in some way after all the noise and distraction she’d forced Chrysanthemum to endure. Unfortunately, that wasn’t happening any time soon. In fact, Giselle would not be getting any illness until late September, a full five months from now. Chrysanthemum herself was going to be catching two colds between now and then, and a third one when she’ll Giselle’s cold thanks entirely to the latter’s failure to clean up her dirty tissues, so that pisses her off too. She can’t sleep while listening to the thwacks of pillows and the shrieks of Giselle’s friends, so she ends up laying in bed scrolling aimlessly on her phone. A strange link catches her eye, and she clicks on it - Colds For Sale. It’s probably something about winter clothing, but the word ‘cold’ gets her attention. When you're a psychic who predicts when other people are going to get sick, you can’t help having that word on your radar. Have you ever wanted to get out of a work or school obligation, but didn’t have a genuine excuse? Have you ever wanted to get revenge on someone who did you wrong - but not too much revenge? We here at Rhinoceros Inc. have the perfect solution: a cold. Yes, that’s right - with just a few clicks of the mouse, you can purchase your very own cold, to infect yourself, or another person of your choosing.

We offer mild, medium, and severe packages, with customizable symptoms and duration. Click here to place your order!

Chrysanthemum blinks. She had to have misread that. You can’t buy colds online…can you? She clicks the link. There’s a list of cold symptoms with boxes that you can tick off next to each one, a box that asks for how long you want the cold to last, a box for the intended victim’s name, a box for the date the cold should start, an option for an immediate or gradual start, and a box asking for any extra information. Hovering over the mild, medium, and severe options reveals that the mild package creates superficial symptoms that don’t leave you feeling too bad - perfect, it claims, for getting out of obligations. The medium package creates a genuine feeling of unwellness and requires rest to get over, while the severe package will knock you out completely, and should only be used with the utmost caution. Beneath all that is a disclaimer stating that the colds are not contagious, and that the company cannot be held responsible for the stunning range of consequences and complications that could arise. It also includes an advisory not to use this on children, the elderly, or those with health issues. Beneath that are payment options.

This seems like…a real thing. What the actual fuck. Against her better judgement, she finds herself checking off the boxes next to sneezing, congestion, runny nose, blocked ears, sore throat, coughing, and fever. She considers choosing the severe package, but opts against it - she doesn’t hate Giselle that much, and she doesn’t want to end up killing her by mistake. Medium it is, with eight days worth of symptoms, for Giselle Leblanc, starting tomorrow morning with all symptoms beginning as soon as possible. In the “additional information” box she writes: make it the worst kind of medium possible. This is harsh, but if there's any chance of any of the upcoming parties not happening, she’s taking it. She takes her credit card out of her phone wallet, pays, and gets a cheerful confirmation that her order has been processed, and her product will be activated this morning at 6 AM. There is a high possibility that she’s just been scammed out of $29.99 - after all, if it was going to work she’d be able to predict it, right? If nothing else, the spite she felt while making the order makes her feel better about the shouting coming from the living room. ~`~`~

The next morning around 7:30 AM, Chrysanthemum wanders into the kitchen, and sees Giselle sitting at the kitchen table by herself. The friends who didn’t bail last night are still asleep on the couch or on the living room floor, but Giselle is wide awake, clutching a tissue and sniffling.

Her late-night purchase couldn’t have possibly worked, could it?

Giselle’s breath hitches for nearly five full seconds before she sneezes - “hhph-phchuu!” into the waiting tissue. “Bless you,” says Chrysanthemum, too embarrassed to look Giselle in the eye. She starts brewing coffee and pops a slice of bread into the toaster. Giselle mumbles a congested thank you, then blows her nose so hard it squeaks. “You sound…not great.” Chrysanthemum tries her best to look deeply absorbed in the process of spreading nutella onto on her toast and slicing up strawberries to go on top. “I thidk I have a cold. Snff. I was fide yesterday, but I woke up around 6 super stuffy. Snff. This is such bad timing too - I’b having my coworkers over for croquet add finger sandwiches today, but I’m so not up for doing the prep work—hhnngh-shiew!” She pulls another tissue from the box beside her and blows. “Do you thidk you’d be able to help mbe out?” “Don’t think so, no - I have work in the morning and I’m meeting up with Marti afterward.”

“Oh, come on Chrys, it’s for a party! Snff. Cad’t you take the day off and help me?” Giselle bats her eyelashes, then dissolves into a coughing fit that leaves her rubbing her throat and grimacing. It’s likely exaggerated for sympathy points, but she does genuinely look pitiful. Chrysanthemum almost gives in - after all, it’s entirely her fault that Giselle is sick - but then shakes the notion from her head when she realizes how genuinely absurd the request is. Take an entire day off of work to set up a croquet set for a party that she doesn’t even want Giselle to throw? Hell no! She refuses again, earning herself a protruding lower lip and crossed arms. “Well, if you cad’t call off of work, cad’t you at least skip meeting Marti and come help mbe afterward? Everyone’s coming at around four, so we’ll still have a good four hours — hyahhhSHIHH! Eckh’sh!” She snuffles into another issue and massages the bridge of her increasingly pink nose. “I feel awful - don’t you care about helping me?” “If you’re that sick, shouldn’t you do a raincheck on the party anyway? You won’t have much fun, and you’ll get all your coworkers sick.”

This is technically not true, but like hell is Chrysanthemum going to tell Giselle that she bought her cold from Rhinoceros Inc. “You dod’t understand, I’ve beed hyping up the party at work for the past month! I’b dressing up like Alice from Alice In Wonderland! My boss is supposed to be the red queen. Snff. Also, Cody’s going to be there! I can’t…pass up…snff…chadce to…spend time with…HGHHSHIEW!”

Giselle flops face first onto the table and groans, while Chrysanthemum takes a bite of her toast and pats her on the head. “I don’t think that Cody is going to like you more if you sneeze all over the place and give him your cold,” she says. “I guess you’re right. Snff. I’b just so disappointed. I put so mbuch effort into making sure that everything would be perfect for my birthday and ndow it’s ruined.” Tears well up in her eyes. Chrysanthemum doesn’t feel sorry for her, but for a brief moment she feels like she probably should. That feeling completely disappears when Giselle leans over and sneezes all over Chrysanthemum, spraying her with mucus and spit. Giselle apologizes, but chases it with these words as she’s dabbing her nose: “I guess if you end up catching mby cold you kind of deserve it, since you refused to help mbe.”

“Um, okay, I guess I should start looking for a new roommate if that’s how you’re gonna be…” This is said more out of obligation than genuine feeling - while she’s irritated with Giselle for doing something so gross, she hardly has the right to complain when she engineered the whole situation. “I’m going to change into something not covered in snot, then finish getting ready for work,” Chrysanthemum says. Which I have to go to so I can pay my half of the rent on our apartment. You just sit here and blow your nose or whatever.”

~`~`~

Work is a mixed blessing. Chrysanthemum knew she would be able to leave early because she’d predicted that her last student of the day, a college junior who had been pulling all-nighters to finish a 20-page research paper, would be out with a cold. She had not predicted that one of her other students, a sophomore who had been trying to get her number for the past six weeks, would have no idea how to put together a basic five-paragraph essay, and would end up crying in her arms about how stupid he was…and then asking for her number again when she pat him on the shoulder and said something vaguely reassuring.

Dealing with other humans has completely drained her, but hanging out with Marti doesn't count as dealing with other humans. She has to tell somebody about Rhinoceros Inc. - Marti is the only person she knows who won’t judge her. She probably won't believe her - she used to be skeptical as fuck about Chrysanthemum’s powers until she proved them - but she’ll at least listen and try to offer something resembling a solution.

They meet up at Argo Tea and get lattes and cookies, then scout out a seat with outlets so that they’’ll be able to charge their phones. Marti is wearing a lime green bomber jacket covered in black lightning bolts, motorcycle boots, and a mini skirt. Her green lipstick smears off onto the chocolate when she takes her first bite of cookie.

“You look cute,” says Chrysanthemum. “Coming from someplace important?” “Tazhane,” sighs Marti, as if that’s a place, not a person. “We had a date. I wanted to make sure I looked good.” “I’m sorry to interrupt your date.”

“She had class, so it’s no interruption - and anyway you know I can always make time for my girl.” She flashes a smiles, then wipes the crumbs from her mouth. “So what’s up? You just need to vent about the never-ending birthday or is there something else going on? Did you manage to talk to Stella?”

“I did not manage to talk to Stella.” Great, that’s another thing she has to be upset about. Why, exactly, would that sweetheart want to spend time with some asshole who spends $29.99 to make her roommate miserable? “It’s about the never-ending birthday. I think I might have put a stop to it, but it’s kind of…insane. And magical. You probably aren’t going to believe me, but just hear me out, okay? I’ll buy your next latte.” “You don’t have to bribe me to listen to your weirdo shit, but if you want to buy me a latte out of friendship, I’ll take it.” Marti leans over, hands curled under her chin. “Is it the psychic thing? Did you predict I’m gonna catch another cold?” “It’s…cold-related, but it’s not a prediction. Not a new one anyhow - I already told you you’re going to get one around mid-June.” “Right, right, that’s why I decided not to go to that Cake concert. See, I’m actually taking you seriously now - see what a good friend I am? You should buy me two lattes.”

Chrysanthemum pushes Marti on the shoulder, then says, “I’m being serious, Mar. Have you ever heard of Rhinoceros Inc.?” "I have not. I guess since you said this has something to do with colds it’s rhino as in nose, not rhino as in a friendly horned jungle buddy?” “I’m pretty sure rhinos don’t live in the jungle. Anyway it’s a website where you can buy colds and give them to people. I bought one for Giselle because her birthday extravaganza was driving me up the wall, and it actually worked. Like she woke up this morning sneezing all over the place.” Marti nearly spits out her drink, then starts coughing lightly. “Um…nani the fuck, Chrys? You purchased a cold? Do you mean you like…bought viruses off the Internet? Because I’m pretty sure that’s extremely illegal and you could go to jail if someone found out.” “No, they didn’t send me anything - the site doesn’t explain how it happens. I just paid $29.99 and it happened magically. I was pretty sure it was a scam, but it was super late and I was tired and pissed off so I decided to do it anyway. Here, look at the site.” She pulls it up on her phone, which she hands over to Marti. Marti scrolls through the site, brows furrowed. “This sounds like some really detailed bullshit,” she says, biting her bottom lip. “But you believe it?” “It’s not any weirder than me being able to predict people catching colds. If I exist, why couldn’t this? Maybe there's someone out there who can psychically give people colds.” “If there is, you want to meet them, right?” “Of course I do! I’ve always wanted to meet somebody else like me. Having powers nobody else believes or understands is one of the most isolating things in the world.” Chrysanthemum tries to keep the hurt out of her voice, but it doesn’t work. Marti sighs. “Okay fine. Look, I’ve felt bad about not believing you in the past, so I’ll help you out - but you’re buying my next five lattes. The first thing we have to do is prove it. Giselle could have easily gone on your laptop while you were sleeping and saw what you tried to do, then faked a cold to try and mess with you. I think we should order colds for ourselves. That’s the only way to know for certain if this is real or if it’s a hoax.” “I don’t exactly have another $29.99 to spare, let alone twice that…” “Whatever, we’ll just put it on my credit card and you’ll pay me back later. We have to get to the bottom of this, don’t we? Anyway I’d say we should each pick different symptoms, that way we can see whether we both get the symptoms we choose. I’m going to have to pick medium because it’s not going to be distinguishable from my allergies otherwise - you can pick mild if you want, though.” “No, it’s only fair that I suffer with you.” “That’s my girl!” Marti leans over and rubs Chrysanthemum’s shoulder, wrinkling her pale pink sweatshirt. “Alright, I’ll take sore throat and cough - I’m already kind of sniffly from the pollen count, so I don’t want to mix up the results. You can take all the nasal stuff. Let’s choose delivery within one hour with one day of symptoms, sound good? That way we can get back to my place and be sick in peace.” The two of them place their orders, then start packing up their things and heading to Marti's apartment.

~`~`~ The two of them lay in Marti’s loft bed, Marti wearing her Sword Art Online t-shirt and her black pajama pants, Chrysanthemum wearing Marti’s Sailor Moon t-shirt and Marti’s pink pajama pants, her hair in Sailor Moon buns because if she’s going to be sick she may as well be cute. On the bed beside them is a fresh box of tissues and a bag of cough drops, just in case. It is deeply bizarre not to know whether or not a cold is coming. Chrysanthemum has been able to predict every illness she’s experienced since childhood, and every illness Marti has had since they first met in high school. Whatever these people are doing defies her ability to predict it. They stare at the timer on Marti’s phone, which is counting down from the moment they placed their orders.

Ten seconds left. They count down each of them, hearts pounding in their chests. When they reach zero, it seems at first like nothing will happen. Chrysanthemum feels fine, and Marti says that she feels fine too. Maybe the whole thing was a coincidence - Giselle just happened to come down with a cold. Or maybe Giselle had seen the order and was putting on a show, and Chrysanthemum was going to catch hell for it later. Just as she’s about to write it off completely, a wild itch zigzags through her sinuses. Her breath hitches, her eyes slam shut and then she bolts upright in an explosive “heshhooo!”

She plucks a tissue from the box and blows her nose. After taking a few experimental sniffs, she realizes that her nose is now quite congested. One nostril is completely blocked, and the other is flooded with mucus. She blows her nose again, dislodging some of the snot. After a few moments of snuffling and sniffling, her nose starts itching again, and she lets out an itchy quartet of sneezes. Once her own explosions have stopped thundering in her ears, she notices that Marti is coughing into the crook of her elbow. It sounds phlegmy, crackly, and painful. “I thidk it worked,” says Chrysanthemum, sniffing into a fresh tissue. Still coughing, Marti offers a thumbs up. “So…what ndow? HyeshhhIEW!!” That sneeze gets muffled by the crook of her elbow. “Should we try add get id contact with the company? I’b sure they won't be willidg to explain how they do it, but maybe they’ll be a little mbore willdg to answer questions if they know I’m a cold psychic.” “Are you sure you want to just put that out there?” rasps Marti, unwrapping a cough drop and popping it into her mouth. “What if they’re some kind of shady government organization who will kidnap you as soon as they find out? Actually, what if it’s some kind of sting to capture people engaging in bio-terrorism and we’re going to jail because we bought the product? Shit, I really should have thought this through.” “Come on, this isn’t ad anime. Snff. It’ll be fide. Snff. Oh my god I’b so stuffy.”

Though she says this, Chrysanthemum’s heart still pounds as she pulls up the Contact Us link on her phone. She grabs Marti’s and and presses her cheek against her shoulder. “There’s a chat option. Snff. That’s probably a good idea. Snff.” They’re informed that a Rhinoceros Inc. representative will be with them shortly. After a few minutes - most of which Chrysanthemum spends blowing increasingly thick gunk out of her nose - someone named Hannah connects.

Kingston: Hi, this is Kingston. :) How can I help you today? “Pick a fake name!” hisses Marti. “Kingston’s probably a fake name too.” “They already have my name and yours because we’ve placed orders with the…ehhh….ehht-CHIEW! Ugh. Snff. If we were going to be anonymous we should have tried to do it sooner. Snff.”

Chrysanthemum: Hi! I’m a recent customer and I’m blown away by your product. It’s truly incredible. I was wondering if you could answer some questions about how it works? Kingston: I’m not authorized to answer questions about our process, but I can refer you to someone who is. May I ask what your question is so that I can get you to the right person? Chrysanthemum: I just want to know how it works. I can predict when people are going to catch colds, so if there’s anyone out there who can do something in the same ballpark, I want to know about it. Kingston: Just one moment please. Kingston has disconnected from the chat. Hannah has connected to the chat. Hannah: Hi, this is Hannah. I’m authorized to answer questions about our process. Before we proceed any further, I’d like to inform you that our conversation encrypted, and that you will not be able to save the information shared here. Chrysanthemum is pretty sure that she can bypass any encryption by taking a screenshot, but she isn’t going to say anything. Actually, for all she knows about technology an attempt would just set her phone on fire. She keeps reading after scratching her tingling, itching nose. Kingston informed me that you can predict when other people are going to catch colds - were you able to determine whether or not our product would work before using it?   Chrysanthemum: No, I couldn’t. This is the first time I’ve ever been unsure about anything cold related, so it was a strange experience. Hannah: I see. What would you like to know? “Shit, what should I ask? Snff. Cad I just come out add ask how they do it?” She grabs a fresh tissue and dabs at her nose. After Marti finishes dealing with a coughing fit that sounds harsh enough to blast a hole through her ribcage, she tells Chrysanthemum to get on with it already. Chrysanthemum: I want to know how you’re able to give people colds. I’ve waited my whole life to meet other people who were anything like me, so if there’s anything that you can tell me, please do. Hannah: We will tell you - if you sign a nondisclosure agreement. I’ll forward it to you momentarily. Please initial in the marked boxes and send it back to me. It takes Chrysanthemum longer than it should to handle the signing, because her nose is so itchy and drippy and swollen that it’s difficult to focus on anything else. She snuffles into a handful of wet tissues, then unleashes a volley of sneezes into a fresh one. “Goddabbit,” she mumbles through her unshakable congestion. “We shouldn’t have bought bediums. Snff. I’b afraid of what the severe versiod is like—hyekkCHIEW! ASHIHH! EH’SHuHH! Ugh!! Okay, I have it signed. Snff.” Hannah: Alright. Here’s the information you requested. We have a small staff of employees who are able to remotely generate cold symptoms in a person, as long as they have their name. The exact mechanism of this ability is unknown - only that it appears to be an inborn psychic ability. Our founder provides rigorous training for employees to ensure consistency and quality of service. Chrysanthemum: Are you able to do this? Hannah: Yes - most of our employees can. Chrysanthemum: How did you find out that you had this power? Hannah: As a little girl, I got angry with my younger brother for pulling my hair, and I wished for him to catch a terrible cold, and he did. I assumed it was a coincidence, but I kept wishing colds on people who annoyed me and getting the same result. Hannah: You said that you have cold prediction abilities - how did you discover this ability? “Damn, this bitch is petty,” rasps Marti. “Then again she’s not the one spending $29.99 for the same effect, so.” “I’b the queen of pettiness. Snff.” Chrysanthemum: I’ve always known. It took a long time to realize that other people couldn’t predict when they were going to catch a cold, and even more time to get anyone to believe me - but I've always known. It’s useful to an extent, but it’s also really hard. I don’t just learn about people’s colds, I learn about all the circumstances surrounding them. So I have all these little windows into the lives of people I barely know. Sometimes I learn some really sad things and I want to help but I can’t. Also, sometimes I find out that someone is going to get really messed up because of the cold they’re going to catch, and I know exactly to help them avoid it….but I can’t, because they’re not going to believe me. “Awww…” Marti reaches over and squeezes Chrysanthemum’s shoulder. “You need to tell me stuff like this, okay? I’m your best friend. I know I’m not always cool about it but all you gotta do is yell at me and I’ll get it right eventually.” Chrysanthemum nods, and returns Marti’s shoulder squeeze.

Hannah: I sympathize. I don’t have your predictive abilities, but being able to make people sick on command is hard. You feel guilty, especially when there are consequences that you can’t predict. I’ve landed people in the hospital before without meaning to. Working Rhinoceros Inc. has been a great way to get my powers under control and use them constructively. Chrysanthemum: Is this business really constructive? Don’t most people use it for revenge or getting out of things?

Hannah: Yes - but that’s not the only reason. People have used it to stop others from making terrible life choices, for enhancing their sex life…all kinds of reasons, really.” “HEHKCHH! Snff.” Chrysanthemum nearly drops the tablet with the force of her sneeze. Hard to ibagide this kind of thidg enhancing anyone’s sex life. Snff.” “You’d be surprised Chrys, people like all kinds of wack shit.” Marti grimaces, rubs a throat that’s probably painfully raw inside. Chrysanthemum: Yeah….sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your business - I just spent like $90 on it so I have no right to talk. Look, would it be possible for me to come by sometime? I don’t know where you guys are located but I’m fascinated by this. I want to meet you all in person. Maybe there’s even something I could do to help out.

Hannah: Yes - but you’ll have to pay for travel expenses yourself. We’re located in Brooklyn, NY, would you be able to travel there? Chrysanthemum: Yeah, I live in Bensonhurst. Just give me an address and I’ll be there. “Oh mby god Marti - I’m actually going to meet these people! Snff. You have to come with me. I’m too scared to do this myself.” Chrysanthemum clings to her friends’ arm. “Please please please you’re my best friend you have to help me.” “Mmm…okay. But maybe we should get Giovanni and Augustin to come with us?” Her voice peters out, and she gulps down half a bottle of water to get it back. “We should probably take some intimidating white dudes with us in case things get hairy.” “Augustin is the least intimidating white dude I’ve ever met —wait hang on…” Her sinuses spark with itchiness, and she sneezes into her Sailor Moon t-shirt — “HiiehCHIEH! Ugh, I’b glad we only have these symptoms for adother day, this sucks. Snff.” “Chrys, focus up - we need Augustin. He might look like a flimsy little homo but when he pulls out his professor act he’s terrifying! Who do you think is going to talk to the cops and get us out of trouble if it comes to that? Not my Mexican ass and not your Chinese ass that’s for damn sure.” “There aren't going to be cops, Marti. Snff.” “You do not know that. I’m not taking any chances. We’re inviting them.” Marti trails off into a fit of hacking coughs, then reaches for another cough drop.

“Okay, fide. I'll text them once we hash out the details.” She sighs, pressing her face into Marti’s shoulder. “I’b just so happy to have finally found other people who are like me.”

“Yeah yeah you big sap, I know. Let’s get this all worked out, okay? And then lets order in some ramen or something - I need soup or my throat is going on strike. You’re staying here tonight, right?” After heaving another sneeze into a rapidly grabbed handful of tissues, Chrysanthemum says that she is.

[babaleshy]

Time for me to rant. If anybody is morbidly curious about what it’s like to live with Trump supporter parents where one parent basically projects himself onto Trump, you can click the thingie. But the context of how this is different from other times I’ve bitched about my folks on my old account is we’re not starving for once. We actually have some money and are trying to get some shit together so we can take care of the urgent needs such as fucking house repairs and shit.

So... We live on a farm. I won’t say where, but right over the hill is a goddamn oil pad. My parents aren’t rich or anything from the oil rights, but I am reluctantly admitting that we are finally getting some money in to where we could repair our tub so we don’t have to risk blisters from pulling a DIY string to turn on the cold water through a ventilation duct because the faucet is fucked. We also got the train to our tub fixed so that way when we shower, we’re not standing in filthy-ass water that can’t drain properly no matter what we shove down the drain to fix it with. We had to replace the entire drainage system for both bathrooms.  Yes. Both bathrooms. The second one is just a toilet and a sink but that sink had the same clog problem due to YEARS of rust build-up because there’s so much goddamn iron in our well water, which my dad states is “actually water coming in from a flooded mineshaft,” and at this point, it would not surprise me if he was right for once.

We also finally got new working vehicles we don’t have to keep taking in for repairs we can’t afford in hopes we can make it to the grocery store or in hopes my mom and my husband can make it to work. Still 2 vehicles, but they are much newer than what we had before (I’m not car-smart, so I couldn’t tell you what years they are or whatever).

My mom also finally paid off all of the credit card debt we were drowning in. This includes both of mine we were forced to use and max out and never make payments on because we couldn't afford to eat several times. That’s about $3k in the hole if you include late fees and interest on TWO credit cards under MY NAME. Because we didn’t have money on us so we could fucking eat.

We are hoping that soon we can get all of our teeth fixed. My husband and I have wisdom teeth in dire need of removal. All of his are rotten, one of mine is rotten but all four are crowding my teeth, all four of us have cavities in our teeth we’re doing our best to keep from getting worse. So the next logical step is teeth. I’m trying to apply for Medicaid but now apparently you’re required to do that over the phone, now and I need a day during the week where my husband has off so I can get some help with this phone call (long story, I just have trouble with phone calls). We also really hope we can find a dentist and oral surgeon NOT IN THIS AREA. A BIG REASON WHY HALF MY TEETH ARE FUCKED IS BECAUSE OF PURPOSEFULLY BOTCHED JOBS BY AN ASSHOLE DENTIST SO YOU’D KEEP GOING IN AND HAVING YOUR FILLINGS RE-DONE.

But hey! We’re doing financially better, now. Especially since my mom plans to give me birthday money this year, and my parents don’t seem to have a problem with paying (if necessary) to help me get tested for dyslexia.

With all of this good news, you’d think my dad would be just tickled, right?

Nope.

He bitches about spending money. He has a mole hill of money he sees as a mountain and he wants to sit on it and never spend it. He bitches anytime spending has to take place. At all. He parrots any and all things Trump promotes and shit. My dad wants to be Trump. My dad is racist, thinks Mexicans are invading America to take our jobs and rape our women and murder Americans (same with any non-white refugee from anywhere), he thinks the military doesn’t get enough support of any sort, with his excuse being “we need to make sure we can show the world we can destroy it at any time we want to so the rest of the world respects us.” Btw, he equates fear with respect. There is no debating him. I’ve tried.

My dad says if he is somehow convinced his xtian god isn’t real, then what’s the point in being a good person? He’d start killing everybody just because there would be no god to judge him. THIS IS THE SIGN OF A MENTALLY UNHEALTHY, UNSTABLE, UNSAFE INDIVIDUAL. Luckily, my dad is actually all talk 99.9% of the time. My dad is lazy, and even states that his ideal life is to sit in an apartment without ever having to move, and he’d have servants at his beck and call. He actually tried several times to convince my mom to move into an impoverished part of the south intentionally because “we would live like kings with the money we’ve got coming in right now.” He’s full of shit because it actually isn’t that much money. It’s just that we can stop starving. (For context, my mom wants to move north ever since her mom/my grandma died because her sister is all she has left and she lives up north, and since Kent State is up there, I’m fine with that.)

My dad wants to sit around and be lazy and absorb any and all conspiracy theories on YouTube that appeals to his fucked up worldviews on a device he claims to hate and wishes never existed. He also bitches about having to drive my husband around, who “should have gotten his permit and license by now” despite the fact that he finally got new glasses after 10+ years of not being able to afford to upgrade his prescription and needs to get used to his new vision. My dad is convinced that because he willed himself through his own problems that literally everyone else can do the same. My dad is the most self-centered adult outside of celebrity-hood I’ve ever seen. My husband has anxiety because being behind the wheel of a machine that could easily kill people freaks him out, and he’s not sure if he can see a counselor for managing his anxiety on a regular basis is going to be possible right now.

My dad thinks my husband works at a retail video game store to support his hobby and nothing else “because of all the damn games and statues he keeps buying” when my dad likes to ignore the fact that employee discounts, clearance sales, trade-in credits, and special deals exist. 

My dad is a miserable old bastard, and because we’re in the same situation as him, he cannot stand how we enjoy ourselves to make the most of it. Misery loves company, and he can’t get past the fact that his life changed forever when he got hurt and permanently disabled at the steel mill back in ‘95. He has since then refused to accept what has happened to him, and would rather be a miserable piece of shit and take down anyone else nearby with him. Which could be why he bitches about having money he can spend, now.

And he does all of his venting at my husband. I know my dad is trying to goad my husband into saying or doing something stupid so my dad has a reason to either kick us out or be physically violent. My dad doesn’t like the fact that my husband isn’t a fucking idiot. My husband grew up with a family full of anger-filled assholes. He knows the ropes as much as I do. And the fact that my husband sticks up for me while I’m not around shows to my dad that my husband truly does love me, and wouldn’t only stick up for me while I’m around. He has called my dad on his shit quite a bit when I’m not around. My dad HATES that he can’t dangle the indirect message of “you’re all by yourself, no one else thinks you’re right” above my head. And ever since my husband started routinely calling my dad out on his shit, or defending me when my dad bitches about me over stupid shit, my dad has backed off me for the most part.

My dad wasn’t counting on me getting married to a good man. My dad previously equated good men with financial wealth. Turns out my dad was proven wrong, and he can’t stand it. That fucker is the whole reason why I have had so many self-image insecurities (and still do) and my dad can’t stand it that my husband isn’t joining him on mocking me. My husband tells him to fucking stop. My dad dares not do it in front of my mom, because she tells him to stop.

My parents aren’t in a very health marriage. There’s more footage of convincing evidence of Bigfoot than there are times my parents did something together because they love each other, and I’m not talking about anything expensive, either.

Mom sleeps on the couch because she told me she can’t stand his snoring. However, I remember my mom once telling me that my dad “doesn’t have an ‘off’ switch with his libido” so I’m guessing that’s another reason why.

Both of them sit in the same room on opposite sides of the room (mom on the couch, dad in the busted-ass armchair) on their devices (mom on her tablet and/or phone and dad on the computer that’s by/in front of his chair), only talking to each other about certain articles they read, and not much else. They’ll occasionally watch something on the TV together on Netflix or Hulu but that’s about it.

Mom wanted to live on a farm and raise horses ever since she was a little girl, and through manipulation and the excuse of 4-H projects through me and my brother, she finally got her wish. And my dad is against having any animals of any sort. All he does is bitch about them. He also bitches about how much country my mom listens to (and I can’t blame him there; my mom is the whole reason why country music is the bane of my fucking existence).

Aside from boinking to have 2 kids and mourning over the loss of one of them, my parents have very little in common. I have no idea how or why they got together other than my dad made my mom laugh and didn’t break her jaw like her ex-husband did, my dad had 3 exes and wanted to make the 4th one count, and my mom found out she was pregnant with me before dad proposed (I’m GUESSING knocking my mom up is what made them decide to marry, I dunno).

My mom has (VERY FEW) redeeming qualities, so I take advantage of her mama bear nature to ensure I’m safe under the same roof as my dad. I’m unintentionally appealing to her desire for a farmer-daughter by wanting to garden, though I made it very clear I will never be responsible for farm animals again. She also doesn’t mind the fact that she’ll never be a grandmother to human babies. I’m willing to bet it’s because she never wanted me and doesn’t blame me for not wanting kids of my own. She gets points for not being exactly like her own mother, but I could’ve used some meaningful and caring mother-daughter bonding instead of the distant I-see-you-as-a-burden-now-that-we-are-living-in-poverty treatment I got growing up.

I could point all of this out to my parents, and they would rather spend more time coming up with excuses or redirecting the blame instead of, you know, APOLOGIZING FIRST. And I say this because I have brushed on the topic before and they got SUPER defensive about it.

I was an accident, they got married probably so I wouldn’t be born out of wedlock and so their respective families wouldn’t look down upon them, they thought they had this and had a second kid, a year to two years later dad gets hurt at the mill and we’ve been impoverished ever since but because boys bring more promise of success than girls---especially girls who are different like I was and still am---my brother was automatically the favorite. And I was always screamed at.

Boy would I love to see a therapist instead of a one-hour visit with a counselor trying to figure out as much of why my brain is the way it is once a friggin’ week. Not blaming the counselor, because he’s awesome. But my counselor did say that he’s actually a bit surprised but glad I’ve figured out some way to live with this. It’s because I know how they act, how their minds work, how they would react if I said or did this or that. Having all of this free time and being alone with my thoughts because my husband works his ass off for pennies only for my dad to try and make him spend money on necessities instead of spending his own goddamn money has allowed me to think about and even analyze my own parents; how they act, why they act this way, why they’ve acted that way, etc.

I do consider myself lucky that they aren’t worse than this. My mom is actually much more understanding with me, now, and that’s probably because I’m the last child she has left. So I guess after living in a shit or unhappy marriage and working her ass off to raise two kids and then losing one, she tries to be the good xtian mother and be thankful for what she has now. It’s a guess, though. The whole thing could be a facade for all I fucking know.

Dad’s all talk, but because his tone is the same whether or not he makes his shitty, stupid jokes, or can’t keep certain thoughts to himself and feels the need to say them aloud (SUCH AS POINTING OUT I HAVE CLEAVAGE LIKE IT’S SOME “OMG WOW YOU HAVE BOOBIES NOW AFTER HIGH SCHOOL” IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY COLLEGE IN MY EARLY TWENTIES THANKS DAD THAT WAS CREEPY WHAT THE FUCK), it’s hard to tell whether or not he’s serious about some of the shit he says.

He projects himself onto Trump because he wants to BE Trump. Trump says if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d date her. I wouldn’t be surprised (I’d still be creeped out) if my dad said something similar. And he has tried to talk about my appearance and how I could make money with it such as a pin-up cosplay calendar because apparently I “look so attractive” while at the same time he shames me for having “skin so pale my legs blind him from reflecting so much light while I wear shorts.” And when I call him out on it, he genuinely thinks he’s done no wrong. My dad is pretty much Trump Lite, and it’s creepy.

But I know the fucker. I can play at his fucked up game, too. All I gotta do is talk about periods or vaginas, because suddenly when his daughter talks about, you know, being a human, suddenly it’s just too much for him.

And he hates I can play this fuck-ass game with him.

And I’m glad he hates it.

Because it’s evident he will never see himself in the wrong. He never has, never does, never will. Because he’s got one excuse or answer after another, and when he runs out, it’s time to drop the conversation before he gets pissed and ruins the night for everybody.

So I’m glad I’m good at playing this game back at him and being damn good at it. That’s what he gets for being a piece of shit.

[tagloff]

So I maybe, might have, started a family fued to the point where I won’t be expected to go home(parents) ever again when either my mother, sister(s most likely) and nephew(who turns 2) are home. Keep in mind there’s other background reasons and tensions between me, my sisters and my mother that they think im actually to stupid/simple minded to know that are there/noticed/remembered.

It starts with my nephews birthday party, our mother being filipino and my sister being shit with money and a spoiled rotten brat. Birthdays and parties are over the top, especially the food. You do it in any way you can, in bulk. For my sister, that includes ‘stealthily’ driving our mother up the wall by pointing out ‘nice ideas’ for the party and being to poor to go thru with them so the Bank of Mom comes out and pays for everything.

The -moment- she learned I was coming home unexpectedly for the party I was recruited for decorations and food service.

I spent 4 days mediating my sisters half illiterate text message ‘orders’ for my mother to do the shopping in the big city while she’s supposed to be spending time with me, bonding(because we both work static shifts and my off days never correspond to hers), and then translating and re-translating my sisters texts because my mother has english for a second language, and she gave up on reading both of those languages once she graduated highschool.

I spent those 4 days stressed out of my mind because my mother can also -not- drive in the city and insists her glasses are only for reading and upclose vision(like the rear end of the car in front of you and the sign 20 feet away is my argument). She almost caused 8 direct accidents, broke traffic laws 19 times, and somehow missed the fact that there was a concrete median(with a honking stop sign) dividing 4 lanes of traffic and -turned into the oncoming lane-. 

Once home, im immediately put to work finishing off the games, organizing the supplies and repacking everything for transport to the community space it was being thrown in. Im also guilted into having to spend over $50 on last minute essentials that everyone always forgets, like the tape, the scissors that immediately go missing after you use them, the drinks, plates, chips, etc.

The day of the party, she flips out about the decorations needing to be put together which im then set to do. Then she insists on using the mini helium tank to fill the balloons - but she can’t be bothered to figure out how to tie the knots herself.

I’ve also had to organize all the food, put up all the decorations, let my mother have a break and take the camera so I take over running the kitchen of timing when to put out the food so it doesn’t dry out, get cold, get warm, actually get cooked.

Then, once the parties over, because I didn’t want to spend 3 hours cleaning the place, I also repack up all the leftovers, repack all the supplies & decorations(25% of which didn’t get used), organized by what goes where and Still having to put everything away all the leftovers that were staying with our parents because they were busy trying to put an over-exhausted, over sugared, screaming toddler to bed.

Then today, the day after the party, while catching a ride back to my own city, I get an ‘order’ via text, to use my loyalty points from work, to buy her a new printer because she’s to shit broke to get one for herself because she needs to print off papers for daycare.

I told her no, im not, and reply back that our parents have a working printer they never use(not good enough and ink costs to much to replace), and that the public library lets you print off whatever for 10 cents a sheet and that would get her thru the week till she could get her own printer until she got paid again.

Her reply is to curse me out for not understanding the point, that she doesn’t have the time to do that, she’s working till 5 every day, she can’t do that with her kid(which she doesn’t have for the week because our parents have him), etc, etc.

Having enough, I finally lose my temper with her. The girl who borrowed my credit card, drove it up so high that I had to declare bankruptcy and who couldn’t be bothered to pay the light bill that she was responsible for so that I had to pay 3 shut off notices on(1500 -each-), and -never- been paid back or thanked for doing so.

As an Introvert, my temper is a slow, simmering burn. I keep it all inside like a festering wound and I try to let it go. For my mental health and keeping the peace, I bite my tongue a lot and so I can’t speak my mind, ever, about anything, to anyone of the family. Politics, religion, fashion, views on gender and sexuality identity, I do -not- get to share with my family just to keep the peace and keep my relationship with the rest of the family congenial. My repayment is that im tech-support(both emotionally and the technological meaning), and seen as a pathetic waste of time. So I do what I can to avoid them, not that it’s hard, they only bother to call me for tech-support, and only come see me when they’re in town to go to costco.

She’s been coming into the city which she can’t afford, using me for my costco card access, and lately hot cotting in my apartment while im working nightshift. The last time she was here, she didn’t pick up her dogs shit in the backyard, her dogs pissed on all my towels(they’ll wash out, just do them separately - they did not), she left an entire bag worth of trash(take out and packaging) all over my apartment that I was still finding 2 weeks later.

So, I uninvited her from my apartment. I told her you don’t get to expect me to use more of my money, employee discount, loyalty points or time to get you shit you should already have and then turn around and curse me out for saying no, because she can’t be bothered to be ‘inconvenienced’ to go to a public library after work(and they are open after supper hour) for her own kid, or to ask a friend to borrow their printer when she has, like, a hundred of them out there as she likes to brag to me about. Then she started calling me childish, immature and start trying to curse me out again in text messages.

Blocking her on mobile, emotionally just -done- with this day(because im driving back to the city with our aunt who’s even -worse- about driving than my mother), I text our mother to let her know what went on, my side of the story, the screenshots of the conversation, and that I wasn’t talking about this again for a few days till I calmed the fuck down.

Only for my mother to read my sisters texts wrong, take my sisters side that “she didn’t mean for you to buy it or use your own points, she wanted to know if you had ** and if you could use points for it, and that she’s transfer the points(which my sister knows as having worked for the same company once, that as an employee of the same company that I’d get fired for)”. 

Which is bullshit, “use your points” is unmistakable, unless you failed basic english grammar. Putting any word that beings with a ‘y’ in that text could only mean {to use my(text receivers} points’. If she meant use -her- points, it would have been “use my points”. She never mentioned transferring points to me at all. Mom, who’s english grammar is so poor she sometimes has to clarify with me on english screen-captions in movies, and who has had to play editor and translator for -anything- she ever has to write up(including her homework for her nursing courses and upgrade units), sided with my sister.

Bullshit. I said no. That’s not how english works. If she’s trying to play this off as a text misunderstanding, I called bullshit and that im at my last straw with her anyways. To misunderstand that text would mean that she’s illiterate and has no business texting, ever.

I can get where both my sister and our mother is coming from, I honestly do. I know they have their mental health issues like anxiety, overly stressed, spoilt rottenness, etc. But for my mental health and sheer sanity, I’ve reached the end of -my- rope. 

When do -I- matter? If I have to take into account -their- feelings, mental and emotional dysfunctions, etc, when does -my own problems- get taken into account? Never, because when I bring it up they call me a liar, that im bullshitting them just to make myself feel important, that I don’t have my own issues with stress, anxiety, acute fatigue and medication side-effects that mean I act like a sloth when im on my meds because -im on my meds- not because im lazy. That im not important enough because I don’t have an independant job, or a welling paying one, a relationship or given them grandbabies. That the -only- thing they can claim about me is that I’ve been living on my own for years and never ask them for anything.

Well I’ve got news for them. I can afford to, and will -enjoy- cutting out every toxic influence in my life. Blood kin to me or not, that does -not- give them any excuses, it actually makes them -worse-.

[terselylove]

35 Mistakes You Will Regret Making Today, Tomorrow, And The Next Day

1. Take your days off, take your sick leave, and most of all save up money and take your vacations. Companies want you to think you are invaluable to them but in the end they will let you go and forget you as soon as you are gone.

2. Keep a close eye on your relationship with substances. Many of you will have serious problems with them and won’t realize until you’re in very deep.

3. Always watch how your love interest treats other people. The day will inevitably come when that person will treat you the same way.

4. Don’t waste time being “anti.” I spent a lot of time in high school looking down on people’s choices of music, movies, hobbies, friends, etc. I said things like, “They only like it because it’s popular. This thing I’M into is clearly better.”

I was a bit of a dick and later I realized it’s ok to let people enjoy things that I don’t. I wasted a lot of opportunities to learn new things and make new friends because of that attitude and I regret it a lot.

5. Avoid staying in a job where you’re totally bored or hate facing it every day.

Some people stick with it endlessly because “it takes too much effort to find something new” (or because they believe an alternative will probably be no better in the long run than where they are).

6. Take risks young, before you have kids, because then you are taking a risk on your family too. Plus risks are super fun and empowering when all the consequence is on you! After kids then the exhilaration becomes guilt. Not as enjoyable.

7. Triple redundancy… back up ALL your photos, videos etc, I lost about a year of photos which included a couple of big life events, mostly I backed up but got sloppy.

Cloud storage is very cheap but don’t rely on just that, put it on a hard drive as well and a few other places.

Also for those who are a little older check all those old DVD/CDs you burnt as they’re degrading and data is being lost.

8. Don’t date someone because you are lonely. Date someone because you see a future with them.

9. Not forgiving my best friend for something really minor. I stopped talking to her, even though she apologized a million times. Now, I don’t even know where she is anymore. She was a really good friend, and I was an asshole.

10. Don’t eat out of boredom or to make yourself feel better when you’re down. A slice or two of pizza on occasion is OK; a whole pizza, not so much. Also, go easy on the sugary drinks and alcohol.

11. Not breaking up with a guy immediately after he hits you for the first time. I’m sorry doesn’t press the reset button.

12. Do not lie to your S/O. They’re supposed to be your best friend. If you lie, trust will break down, the relationship will start to suck, and then you will end it due to their seemingly unwarranted paranoia, or they will end it because they cannot trust you.

13. Don’t self harm, or do drugs. If you have a crush and it’s obvious they don’t like you back, get over it. If you think you or a friend may have depression or any other mental disorders, please get help. If you’re thinking about suicide, DO. NOT. DO. IT.

14. Marriage and children are not for everyone. It’s bliss for some people. It’s absolute carnage for others.

One glove does not fit everyone. If you are happy and content being with yourself. Accept it, enjoy it. Don’t let the world let you take on a responsibility that has no expiration date.

15. When you get cheated on, don’t try to fix it and give a person another chance, just leave. It will hurt and it may seem that what i am saying is pointless but you will thank me soon and also after you get cheated on. Work on yourself first before looking for another one because if you rush it you are more likely to fail.

16. Not putting effort and the focus that was required for school. Yes, I’ve ended up doing extremely well for myself within a few years after high school. But I sure as hell wish I actually paid attention. I thought it was cool and fun to just hangout with a bunch of losers who would smoke weed all day and accomplish nothing. Late into senior year is when I made the change, although late on the school part. I began finding new people that were purely dedicated. It rubbed off on me, and now I can say that I’m glad I had a moment of true realization.

17. Love is a two way street. Not realizing that lead to many, many relationships that should have ended but didn’t because of the fear of being alone. On a related note, the fear of being alone is both real and powerful.

18. Don’t marry the wrong person. And don’t marry the wrong person’s family. That’s right, when you marry someone, you also marry their family. When I married, we lived hundreds of miles from her family, so I didn’t know them well. Things changed, and we were living within 5 miles of her family. Disaster struck.

19. Don’t show loyalty where it isn’t deserved, that applies to people, brands, companies you work for.

20. Don’t put too much thought into what people think about you. Just be a good person and have good intentions and realize that you can’t please everyone.

21. Don’t associate with those that don’t have your best interests at heart when it matters.

That usually becomes quite evident when you do something that they don’t like, they start to pick holes with everything to try and manipulate you back, or they just generally aren’t there when you need help.

22. Learn to communicate effectively. Seriously. You’ll lose good people from your life if you can’t do it right, so learn.

23. Credit cards are not free money. You may need one to build credit but be careful how much you use it, and pay it off every month. It’s so easy to charge “just this one little thing” over and over until the card is maxed out.

24. Take care of what you have before it becomes what you had.

25. Working in a family-owned business (as an outsider) can go really fucking south. You will get the silent treatment, in the worst-case scenario I’ve experienced. There will be loads of clique behavior and just the general vibe of “if we weren’t shorthanded, we’d have kept it in the family”. In general, there will always be underlying tension and loads of unprofessional behavior. I’m personally never doing it again, if I can help it.

26. Brushing your teeth might seem minor but if you don’t holy shit its finna come hit like a truck. And also makes finding a soulmate a whole lot easier.

27. If your grandparents/older relatives are alive and well, spend some time with them, call them to say hi, just check in with them. When they are gone you’re going to be the one left with regret, not them.

28. If the group of people you’re hanging around at school (or elsewhere) always make fun of you in a “joking” way, stop hanging out with them. If everybody gets their share, then it’s alright but if you’re the butt of every joke then it’s not really friendship. You’re just a lightning conductor for all their insecurities. Have some self-respect.

29. If you are pregnant and think something is wrong, please, please, PLEASE find a doctor who will listen. My last pregnancy, I was in excruciating pain, losing weight and wasn’t hungry. My OBs brushed off my concerns, just saying every pregnancy is different. I was in the ER twice with upper abdominal pain. Neither time did they check my son. I had undiagnosed HELLP Syndrome. Because the doctors wouldn’t listen, my son died. You know your body. Don’t let doctors ignore you.

30. Read your insurance policies. Know what’s in there and if you have enough or too much coverage.

31. If things come easy to you and you can pass all your classes in high school on tests alone, don’t. Do the homework, even if it’s just tedious busywork. Keep all your handouts organized and neat. Do projects and papers step by step. Once you hit college (especially in upper level stem classes) you’ll regret not having made those habits earlier. High school isn’t about learning material as much as it is teaching you HOW to learn material.

32. For the love of everything that is good, don’t ever take up smoking. Doesn’t matter how good that nicotine rush feels, sooner or later you’ll end up regretting it, and quitting is… well, a bitch.

33. Don’t ever think you still have some “fun time” left and avoid your responsibilities. It’s a slippery slope.

Like, it starts by thinking “oh, I got a few more hours before I have to worry about that report” and gradually turns into “I’m only 21, what’s the deal if I need one more semester to finish school?”. And then you wake up one day and realize you’re 24, all your friends have graduated and you’re still jerking off.

34. When picking a career it’s best to focus on what you’re actually good at than something that just sounds more interesting. Regrets have been made.

35. Follow your intuition. We are animals that have been taught to ignore our instincts. Following my instincts has save my life before.

[c-rankin93]

SHE'S NO YOU - Ch.3

A/N: This chapter is more about family as you soon will tell. And you get to see a sneak peek into Finns head. --- CHAPTER THREE: SMILE FOR THE CAMERA --- RAE POV: "He did what!" I was currently at my parents house in Hoboken, New Jersey lounging out in the family room with my eldest brother Robert. My parents were playing in the backyard with the grandkids except my eldest nephew Tomas who was in the kitchen with his mother Maria- Robert's wife of 20 years. Robert was the only one of my three brothers that still resided in New York, as a Family Lawyer he took his job very seriously. He help me with my divorce and the custody battle I had to endure during Finn and I's separation. He was (and still is) overly protective of me. He and Finn had been great friends, and over the years we took family vacations together. But the moment I finally revealed what happened between Finn and I, he became even more overbearing, and even vengeful towards a certain someone. I guess he was hurt, a friendship destroyed and a little sister broken. It was a beautiful disaster. Julian the second oldest is currently living in San Francisco with his four year old son Parker. He went through a nasty breakup from his ex-wife Becca 6 months ago after finding out she was embezzling money into an off sore account of her estranged lover. His small doctors practice nearly went bankrupt due to the money loss but our parents stepped in and helped him financially to stay afloat. Becca was currently serving an 8 Year sentence in prison and her mysterious lover disappeared with nearly $500,000. He decided to stay in San Francisco and continue on with the life he built with his son, but frequently visited New York. Mark, the youngest of my brothers was also over the other side of America as well, pursuing his dream in Los Angeles. He packed up and left straight after high-school with the families support to become an actor. Over the years he has done well for himself, after staring in small commercials, then he moved on to TV drama, before getting his big break at 26. He stared as the supporting roll in one of Hollywood's greatest movies. He got noticed, then got famous. He kept to his bachelor life style, and I didn't ask him about the different women he was photographed with. I had just explained to Robert what had happened this morning over breakfast and what Olivia had said to me. To say he was mad was an understatement, he had practically choked on his beer the moment I told him about my uninvited guests. "Yeah well I can't stop him from seeing Josh on his birthday can I? But did he really need to bring her?" Robert understood my emotions. He was the only one out of my entire family that knew what really happened, between Finn and I. "Yes you damn well can Rae! That is your house, your property and if you don't want someone there you can tell them to leave. Invite Finn in sure but kindly remind him to leave his baggage at the door" Robert fumed and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my lips. "I'm seriously Rae, don't let him walk all over you! That asshole needs to be taken down a peg or two" I sighed knowing that the more I talked about the situation, the more angry my brother would get. So in true Rae fashion I changed the subject. "So anyways! Are you excited about Tomas starting collage next year?" My eighteen year old nephew was a prodigy of his old man. I knew one day he would be a brilliant lawyer and husband, it was just a matter of time. Robert beamed and the mention of his eldest boy. "Of course! The kid got into Harvard for fuck sakes" he laughed, "not even I did that well. I tell you what, I can't wait to see him successfully one day". That was just typical Robert, he was the kindest man you would ever meet but if you messed with his family he would back hand you quicker then a women at a black Friday sale. "You know Elissa and Emery are going to be artist just like there momma" his daughters Elissa, 15, and Emery, 10, were splitting images of there beautiful mother Maria. Both had dark chocolate hair and golden brown eyes, they could never do anything wrong in Robert's eyes because they looked to much like their mother. Who was a pretty well known artist in New York, both girls had talent but in different areas. Elissa enjoyed painting faces and was brilliant at it, she has won numerous awards at school. And Emery loves mixing colour, some would call it abstract but to her it was just pure fun. "I've got my work cut out with them don't I?" Robert mused taking a long swig from his beer bottle before sitting it down on the coffee table. "No, more like you've got your work cut out with Robert junior over there" I pointed wards the glass doors that looked out into the backyard just as the Feisty little 7 year old crash tackled his grandpa with the help of Ruby who was laughing along. "Military school" he mumbled. I laughed, little Robert had always been upto no good, but he did it in the most innocent way. "Come on" I slapped Robert's leg then stood up to stretch, "we better go join the others instead of having our bitch and moan session. I'm sure mom is running around out there with her new camera trying to take photos". Laughing, we reminst about the first few weeks after Karim had brought her the camera, let's just say she went through two 16 gig memory cards, and hundreds of dollars worth of prints. -- I kissed the top of ruby's head, her eyes were already fluttering shut which didn't surprise me. Flicking off the light, then walked out of the room. Goodnight my princess. I walked down the hallway to Josh's room and poked my head in. He had already passed out, soft snores echoed in the room. I quickly tucked him in, kissing his soft brown hair. Goodnight my little man. Today was a big day, after the little spat I had with Finn the rest of the day went off without a hitch. Ice skating was a blast with Chloe, and her kids, Harry and Stephen. It was the first time in years I had stepped foot on ice and having two little humans depend on me to keep them upright was quite amusing. After that we had a nice long walk through central park before dinner and cake at mom and Karim's house. They kids had enjoyed the company of their 4 cousins, and I couldn't help but smile at how close they were. It made me wonder if they were as close with Finn's family as they were mine, especially Finn's 4 year old neice Sophia. I grabbed an ice cold beer out of the refrigerator and possistioned my rear end nicely on my plush couch. I chose to leave on whatever TV show that was already on, and continued watching without paying attention to what was happening. As the credits rolled by I heard a loud knock on the door. Sighing, I took the last few sips of my beer and shuffled towards the door. Gregory was standing there with a dopey smile on his face and a large blue box in his hand. He bent over and gave me a peck on the lips. A smile curved on my face the moment he wrapped his arms around me. We walked back toward the couch, not leaving an inch of space between us. He bent forward placing the blue box on the table quickly and wound is arms back around me. "How was your day beautiful?" Gregory whispered nibbling on my ear lobe. "It was good! Joshua had a great day and passed out as soon as he got back home. How was your day?" I replied choosing to keep my encounter with Finn out of it. "Oh it was fine, sold a penthouse in Manhattan today. It came with a nice fat commission to which I plan on spending on you. Maybe a weekend to Hawaii?" He continued to kiss my neck. "Oohh... well maybe one day we can enjoy that lovely vacation. And thank you again for today! I know you wanted to enjoy Joshua's birthday with us but thank you for letting me have this time with th-". He kissed me softly on the lips to shut me up, no doubt I was rambling on once again. "Its fine sweetheart. I got a sale and you got time with your kids, Plus we have tomorrow. And tonight..." he wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips. My body was dragged upon his and our lips crashed together. It had been weeks since we had last had sex and I was more then ready for him. I needed him right now, I needed to forget for a moment, I needed to feel that earth shattering orgasm. I needed to feel human again. -- FINN POV: I had dragged myself from the comfort of my silk sheets at 5am this morning. Olivia had managed to stick to her side of the bed last night thank God, I hated waking up with her short blonde hair tickling my face. Putting on my joggers and a t-shirt I laced up my sneakers and walked towards the kitchen to have a quick shake before heading to the gym down stairs in my apartment. This was my Daily accurance, I needed to exercise before I sat in my office all day behind paper work and my laptop. Running my own company was hard work, long hours and no sleep. I had been living this way since I graduated college, the only balance I once had in my life were my kids and wife. But now that had all changed because of Rachel. We had just gotten back from Aspen Monday night after I had taken Olivia and her God awful family away for her birthday. I had nearly cancelled after the ruckus Olivia had caused with Rae in front of my kids on my son's birthday, but I knew if I did that the nagging would increase and i wasn't in the mood for that. I stepped onto the treadmill and started off at a walking pace, letting my muscles warm. Her beautiful face flashed though my head, her creamy skin, the hairpin curve of her plump lips, her button nose, her silk like hair- fuck! My body tumbled to the ground hard, I had missed a step which caused me to trip all because I was thinking about her. Not my girlfriend that laid asleep in my sheets, but my ex-wife. Pulling my legs to my body in frustration and leading my elbows on my knees I looked to the ceiling still thinking about her. Over two years since I had touched her intimately, kissed her lips... My heart still ached everytime I saw her, but I couldn't show her how much she ruined me. No, instead I channelled that built up frustration into pure hate towards Rae. I couldn't help it, she took away my kids, my life, my fucking air. I groaned picking myself up of the hard floor and turned off the treadmill. I made my way over towards the boxing bag, forgoing the gloves I collided my fist hard into the bag. Memories of the night my world came apart washed over me, it was a disease I couldn't fight. 'Rae, honey. I'm home' Smack! My fist collided with the solid leather. I felt nothing. 'Rae?' Smack! 'Kids?' Smack! 'Hello? Anyone home?' Smack! Smack! Smack! Then I distinctly remember the words scribbled on a yellow post-it note in Rae's hand writing, along with the divorce papers. 'Fuck you' Smack! --- Grimacing I looked at the paperwork that had piled up in front of me, red tags with sign here scribbled across them poked out. It would take me all day just to read all the new contracts I was taking on in the new year and according to Olivia my deadline was only 4 hours away. "Olivia" I buzzed through the intercom. "Can you ring Archie and tell him to come to my office immediately". "Of course Finny" she replied. A grimace shuttered through me. It was a nickname she had picked up just after we started dating, it was a habit I thought she would break but I was beginning to loose hope. No more then 15 minutes later Archie lazily strolled through the door not even bothering to knock. "I was summoned" he announced grinning. "Yeah, clear your schedule. I need you to help me read through these contracts so I can sign them off. Apparently Liv decided to leave this to the last minute and I have-" I looked towards my watch. "3 hours and 44 minutes to get them done before they are sent to your department to be organised into financial groups" I signed. It was only 9am and I was already exhausted, I had no idea how I was going to finish this in the time frame I had. There was atleast 40 small business contracts to sort through, but if there was anyone I knew that could help me it would be my brother, Archie. "Fuck man! Why do you let her do this shit?" He groaned typing away on his phone, no doubt messaging his assistant Charleene about the turn of events. "Don't start" I growled flipping a page before signing. "I'm just sayin-" "Enough!" I yelled slamming my hands down on my desk. "Christ Arch, I know Ohkay... I know". "Look I'm sorry I shouldn't of said it, but your not happy man. You haven't been since-" he stopped before he finished, no doubt he saw the pain flash through my eyes. Archie picked up a contract and started to flick through it, awkward tension permeated the air. To say my family where welcoming of Olivia was an understatement. They had all adored Rae, especially my parents who treated her like a daughter. When they asked me what caused the divorce all I could do was shrug, I had no fucking idea so what was I to tell them. They took my silence as an admission that I had fucked up somewhere, that I had wronged her but all I did was love and cherish that women. Of course Ma and Archie had tried to contact Rae but she had obviously blocked their numbers, after 4 months they gave up trying just like I did, when bent Olivia over my desk and fucked her. That was the night I finally understood that my marriage was over, the life I knew before was gone and the women I loved more then life itself had left. "Since my wife left me?" "Finn" my brother sighed, rubbing his hand through his hair. "Have you even asked her why she left?". I shook my head in honesty. I had tried to talk to her but my pain turned into misery, my grief turned into anger and the only way i could express myself was by yelling at her. "Maybe you should" Archie replied, picking up another contract. "You don't think I have? I tried for months to get her to talk to me. The most I got was a slap to the face and her repeating how vile I am. Fuck, I don't know what happened. I-... It been 2 years and I still love her..." "You have the kids tonight right?" I nodded. "Well when you drop them off talk to her..." Thats better said then done I thought. --- @i-dream-of-emus @milllott @eveerez @lily-pop-2 @arathewallflower @hey1tskat1e @I88cym @mmfdfanfic

[tgr489]

30 things...

So I’ve thought about this somewhat and trawled a few sites to see if I’m ahead of the curve on things and below are a few lists that the web throws up. Have added some helpful colour coding as to what I’ve done, not done, or have got part way there. Enjoy…

 Here is your Bucket List: 30 Things to Do Before You Turn 30:

1. Travel somewhere you don’t know the language. 

Going somewhere you can’t easily communicate with other people is terrifying. But not only would it enlighten you and make you savvy to another culture, it would also force you to really learn the language — something we’re rarely forced to do. 

I’d say the majority of places I’ve travelled to, and around, I’ve not known the language, initially. If you’re staying anywhere for anything longer than a few weeks then you need to pick up some local basics, it’s just plain rude otherwise, general pleasantries and basic ordering of sustenance will go a long way to not annoying the fuck out of the person your conversing with. Us westerners can score damn high on the annoyance scale, and I’ve seen the shout loud and slow enough to know the stereotype is true. I know enough to not be without food, beverages and substances in any country that speaks in Spanish (LatAm), French, Dutch, Thai, Malaysian. 

2. Date someone who isn’t your “type”.

You will learn and grow from being around people who are different from you. Maybe the relationship won’t work out in the end or maybe you’ll meet your future spouse. At any rate, you’ll either have a great time or a terrible time, but you will learn from the experience.

I don’t really have type of girl I go for, or I do but I’m less conscious of it and don’t single it out. I lived with this guy back in London who was obsessed by girls with big boobs and would always seek them out whenever we were out, but when it came down to it his obsession for him tongue tied which prevented him from actually getting together with anyone which fit the bill. Such a shame for him 

3. Start your 401(k).

Retirement might be a blip on the map but it will be here before you know it. Do yourself a favour and start saving now. Especially if your company offers matching. Grow money, grow!

This is true. To be smug and somewhat boring I’ve had a pension/super/old age fund since I was 18. That’s what happens when you’re surrounded by family involved with money, and how to grow it and more importantly, protect it. Start early enough and it’ll hopefully be big enough to keep the party going well into your 90s.

4. Take a risk: Go bungee jumping or skydiving or swim with sharks. 

I’m talking to you non-adrenaline junkies and typical stay-at-homers. Get outside, put yourself in the hands of trained professionals, and experience that exhilarating feeling of being this close to staring death in the face.

5. Start investing.

This is a risk in itself. Learn enough to invest some money or have someone else do it for you. No risk, no reward. 

This kinda goes hand in hand with 3.

6. Form your political opinion.

We live in a politically turbulent time. It’s up to us to educate ourselves and advocate for what we believe in. Many people shy away from political discussions but by having them, you’ll come out with new, more well-rounded knowledge and, hopefully, will get to know your own opinions better.

Politics are bullshit. I’ll say no more.

7. Stop holding grudges. 

Past grievances are overrated. You don’t need negativity in your life and you definitely don’t need it over something that happened years ago. If you need to, unfollow of block the involved parties on social media. Don’t “hate follow” someone just for the heck of it. A grudge only affects the person holding it.

8. Start a collection. 

Something fun, quirky and totally you. Be passionate about it but don’t be a hoarder! My collectable of choice is mugs. They take up a lot of space, but they are something I use daily and always bring back memories from places I’ve visited.

This is a bit weird. Reminds me of one of my school friends’ grand parents who had this thing for tea plates. They started out as mere decoration in the kitchen but slowly spread into the dinning room and then hallway in a bid to conquer the house. I do have collections of sorts, things like sneakers and cameras, but I consider these to be practical as I live in one and use the others a lot.

9. Take a cross-country road trip. 

Particularly if you are in the United States. You’ll get to experience many different nuances of the country and you can support local mom-and-pop businesses. Pro-tip: avoid the highways for the best scenery.

Did a US road trip last year with Elise when I moved to Cali, and have done a few in Europe and Australia.

10. Pay off your credit card debt. 

No one wants this to begin with, but you have a chance to start off your thirties with a clean financial slate if you play your cards right (or in this case, not at all). Debt can not only be financially devastating for building the future you dream of, but it can also be tough on your confidence.

I hardly ever use my credit cards but when I do I pay the balance every month.

11. Go see live music you love. 

There’s something so special about seeing your favourite artists live. They aren’t going to be on tour forever, so buy the tickets and make the drive. You won’t regret seeing them live.

I see live music a few times every month

12. Set an annual reading goal. 

I could bore you with the list of benefits of reading, but I won’t (but if you’re curious, we’ve got some right here). Go make yourself a Goodreads account and set yourself a reading goal to accomplish each year.

I think I read a lot already, as in I’ve always got one or two books on the go. Sometimes I read prolifically, other times maybe a couple of pages a week. I think setting a target would put too much pressure on me.

13. Overcome a fear. 

Sometimes your fears hold you back, but don’t let them. Take steps to overcome your fear of public speaking or heights. Once you know you what you are capable of, anything is possible.

The only fear I’m really conscious of is growing old, so overcoming that will I guess happen in time, not something that’ll happen in the next week. I’m sure everyone has this fear at some point because no one really wants to be frail, piss stinking and relying on everyone else to do shit for you. 

14. Get a tattoo. 

Permanence is scary, so make sure it’s something that really represents who you are at this point in your life, particularly if you’re prone to regret. Make up your mind, do your research and go for it. If tattoos aren’t your thing, there’s always fake tattoos you can wear for a few days or a piercing you’ve always liked that you can eventually remove. Check out our Guide to Surviving Your First Tattoo!

Have 4, maybe time for another. Designing that tat for Lily did have me thinking about it for a short while.

15. Join a club. 

And I don’t mean the list of resume-fluffing ones you joined in high school and college. I mean ones that you are really interested in and passionate about.  For example, try and join a running club or a book club. Maybe you’re into intramural volleyball or something else entirely. Either way it’s a fun way to meet new people and spend some time on a hobby!

16. Treat yourself to something really expensive. 

…and pay for it in cash. Whether it’s a trip of a lifetime, a new computer, a Chanel handbag or a weekend away at an upscale resort and spa, you totally deserve it for working hard. If you don’t have the cash now, start saving! Make yourself a savings account called “Treat Myself” and transfer $20 a pay-check until you have enough.

What’s really expensive? 4, 5, or 6 digits, or even 7? This is a relative thing but using the writers theory above would see someone waiting a while to buy anything. Does Vera Visa come out to play and then pay it off by the time you retire? I used to obsess over having a Rolex, a Traveller model to be exact. They’re vintage and not flashy in any way, have no diamonds and they’re not gold, just stainless steel with a coloured green face. Simple and elegant. At that time they were around $20k, would be nice to walk into a shop and lay that wad down. But I do actually have a small collection of watches already, to go along with 8 above, that I never wear, primarily because we are surrounded by clocks and second I can never be bothered to go to the jewellery store to get the batteries changed when they die. So I used to just move on to the next one. Without looking I think I have about 7 G-Shocks, an Ebel, a Storm and a Seiko. The last one is special because it was my fathers and the only thing I wanted when he died, because he was wearing it at the time.Maybe I should look at that Rolex again, or look into some more art.

17.  Be the first person to apologise.

It’s hard to admit when you are wrong. But it’s usually for the greater good. Saying “I’m sorry” is something we learn as children but don’t often implement as adults. Apologise when you’re in the wrong.

18. Run a marathon. 

Pushing yourself physically is not only good for your body but good for your mind. And plus, you’ll feel really awesome with your medal. We’re capable of far more than we think we are — and this is your chance to prove it to yourself!

Not enough time to train for this, but I’ve flirted with the idea, although I have reservations about putting my body through such torture. I know 2 people that have run one and they both say never agin. I guess it’s an epic accomplishment but there are far more things to achieve than seeing whether you can continually run for 26 miles. Climb a mountain is far better especially if you can board down it after!

19.  Forgive yourself for mistakes.

Realising you made a huge mistake by passing over an amazing job offer might seem like the end of the world, but it’s not. Forgive yourself and move on. This goes along with letting go of grudges–don’t hold them against yourself.

This is so true. I beat myself up at the start of the year thinking I’d made a big mistake moving to LA only to be leaving after a few months, and I still kind of hang on to it a bit. I think I feel more pain for the girl I unceremoniously dumped to pursue that dream, even though she’s OK with it now (we are on talking terms and see each other around every now and then).

20.  Learn how to cook.

I’m not saying you should aspire to be Ina Garten; just learn how to make a few fancy dishes for one of those special occasions. They might come in handy sooner than you think. Knowing how to make risotto is a great recipe to always have in your back pocket. It’s easy one you know the steps and can be made in any variation based on the ingredients you have on hand.

I think by the time anyone reaches 30 they know how to cook, if not they must still live at home a la Norman Bates. This is one thing I really love doing, as I use it to de-stress, and the more people I have to cook for the more satisfactory the experience.

21. Eat really expensive food. 

Treat yourself (and maybe your significant other) to a meal at one of the world’s top restaurants. Find out what all of the fuss is about and indulge in food made by someone who invented the cooking method.

I agree. When you go to an expensive restaurant and the food is fantastic with unnoticeable service it’s something to behold. Thing is not everyone like to go out a blow several hundred $ on a meal, no matter how good it may be. Don’t get me wrong I don’t dine out 5* often but I do for those special occasions.

22. Pay it forward. 

Ever had someone help you out when you didn’t ask for it? Even if you haven’t, you can still start a chain of positive events by paying for someone’s coffee or helping them change a flat tire. Positive momentum is a powerful thing, people!

I’ll attribute this to Karma, which I’m a big believer in, help as many people as you can through life and it will pay you back in spades when you need it. Even if it doesn’t, or you don’t believe it does, being kind and helping people is the thing we need to do more of as a species. A story - About 18 months ago I went out for a relatively expensive meal with Elise, which I’d booked because I wanted to impress her, there was a tramp walking towards us as we were making our way home. As we got closer I could feel Elise tighten up as she knew as well as I that he was gonna tap us for some change. As he closed in on us I could see that he wasn’t much older than us, but was obviously freezing cold, it was December after all. I had this sudden feeling that I had to help him, it was cold and I was going home to a warm apartment and comfy bed, he was gonna be sleeping where? I took out my wallet and gave him all the notes I had left, about $100 and told him to find somewhere to get warm. As we walked away Elise was annoyed that I’d given him the money saying that he’ll just spend it on drugs and drink. I hoist told her that may be the case but that’s a reflection of his character rather than mine and I helped him as best I could at that moment in time and I can’t be responsible for him beyond that. She didn’t buy it and just said I’d wasted my money.

23. Attempt to break a world record. 

In the Guinness Book of World Records, of course. There are records for everything, so round up your friends and give it your best shot. Even if you don’t quite break a record, it’s still a pretty cool memory to have.

Can I be the first person to OD on weed? That would be a world record for sheer quantity consumed.

24. Attend the Olympic Games.

Whether it’s Winter or Summer, you’ll never regret being in the presence of the world’s elite athletes and having the opportunity to watch history in the making.

I think if I was in a city when this was on I’d go, but I’m not gonna travel to one specifically for the event 

25. Pick a cause and be passionate about it.

Whether it’s cancer research or clean water, donate and make efforts to help others and advance your cause. Don’t just say you’re interested in a cause, go live it and be it — volunteer your time, fundraise or donate. Change doesn’t happen by sitting at home on your couch.

How to pick a cause when there are so many that need help. I’ve volunteered occasionally in the past and it has been good fun but I’ve never tramped off to some remote location to dig wells or anything like that. One of my friends work for Operation Raleigh and always says how much he loves his job, but whilst he works for a worthwhile organisation he does receive a salary so it’s kind of cheating. I will make this a goal to do  more of especially as the planet is on the brink and stuff needs to be done about it.

26. Make your family tree. 

There is no history more interesting than your own–figure out who your ancestors were and how they impacted the world and your own life. What you find out might surprise you. Take it a step further and record your family’s complete medical history. This will not only come in handy for you, but for future generations are well.

I’m not sure I need to know who my ancestors were, it won’t serve any purpose, unless I’m in line to throne and near the top of the list, but I doubt that very much. What I know about  my family is that both my paternal grandparents died before I was born, he was a doctor and she was a housewife. My maternal grandparents were never together, he bailed as soon as he became a father and she eventually turned into an alcoholic so my mother never spoke to her. Both my parents were only children so there’s no expansive collection of relatives for me. However, I do have 2 half brothers from my dad’s first marriage, but they’re much older than me and they openly dislike me and always have. I’m kinda glad I never see them any more because they are a right pair of wankers. Their dislike of me turned to hatred when my dad left me pretty much everything in his will, but that wasn’t my doing so not my fault. I wonder if it still bugs them or whether thy employed number 7 above.

27. See a Broadway play. 

Or a Cirque show or Blue Man Group.  Put on your best dress or your tux and live it up.

Everyone should go to the theatre more, and I’ll put myself in this camp. I do go a see shows when there’s a story that sounds captivating or an actor I really wanna see, but I don’t go enough. Time to change up.

28. Work a menial job. 

A job where you know you won’t advance but also requires tipping. You’ll gain a better appreciation for people you come across in your future who count tips as the largest part of their salary. If this doesn’t fit into your career plan, try picking up a second job around the holidays — you’ll appreciate the extra income and you’ll gain some eye-opening experience for those who work for minimum wage full time.

I have done so many of these it’s laughable. Packing pineapples, cleaning windows, waiting tables, sorting trash in a recycling centre to name a few. All of these jobs were essential at the time to make money to live and in some of them I met the best people, really down to earth types just trying to make ends meet.

29. Become a connoisseur in something. 

Whether it’s cheese, wine, tea or coffee, your garnered knowledge will always help you make small talk but also enrich your life in ways you haven’t even imagined.

I am a connoisseur of weed and whiskey amongst many other things but they would be my faves.

30. And finally, make a list of 40 Things to do Before You Turn 40.

If only because it’s fun!

I guess I have time to do this so I’ll start it at some point.

Here’s another list I found with a few differences but has the same general theme 

1. Take care of my body 

I think I do this, but I smoke too much weed and probably drink to much, because I binge, so I know I can do better. I do ride my push bike pretty much everywhere, even when I’ve had a few, which is bad and not really taking care of my life. But don’t ride when it’s raining because the odds of accident are increased, then I walk, even if I have to get uptown.

2. Visit Amsterdam 

Yep, everyone should

3. Aprender Español (Learn Spanish) 

4. Take a creative _____ class 

Have started my sewing group thing. The first results are disappointing but I will fulfil my obligation and post a photo of the pouch I made, much to my shame. 

5. Publish an eBook 

These entries are kind of an eBook. My shrink thinks my back story is fairly interesting and sometimes entertaining so I’ll put some of it up as the need arises to provide perspective.

6. Go on a road trip in Europe 

7. Make a cheesecake for the first time 

Yes everyone should try this, then go buy one that is actually any decent, because I’ve never known of anyone to make a great one first time

8. Host a dinner party 

9. Send a postcard from every trip I take 

This is actually a good idea which I do not do any more. I keep postcards around forever. You generally know when someone is away because it’s all over FB or Insta, but postcards are a surprise and a tangible thing that a friend will hold in their hands and possibly stick up somewhere as a reminder of you.

10.  Plant a tree 

11. Have a morning routine 

What defines a routine? I pretty much do the same thing every morning before I leave the apartment, with the odd exception of when I can be bothered to box up any food left over from a previous dinner, I get up, make a coffee, if there’s none, drink coffee whilst staring out of the window and casually looking at newsfeed, chat with anyone who’s around, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, pack bag, go. If the journey to work is included in a routine’ I don’t think I want one. I like mixing up my ride to work along different routes and with some stops along the way for breakfast and more coffee. Isn’t variety the spice of life?

12. Turn off the internet’ 

This is definitely something I need to do. Those days away on the ayahuasca where I had to surrender my phone were amazing, once I’d gotten over the initial shock. But for me that fear was more about the lack of a music player over not being connected to the web. Even when those things are in your pocket they are a distraction, and being without that device really connected me with those around me. 

13. Learn the art of cocktail making 

If you can’t mix some simple cocktails by the time you’ve hit 30 you simply haven’t lived. Surely everyone had a favourite or more, and when you do you learn how to make them, no?

14. Jump more often (and get better at it) 

I have no idea what the fuck this one is about. Jump where? Off, on, out, into anything? 

15. Take a spontaneous trip 

16. See more live music & concerts 

17. Attend more unusual & creative performances 

Does nude neon life drawing count?

18. Read___ 

19. Decorate my bedroom 

20. Try a fast/meditate

21. Write more often in a journal 

That is what this is supposed to be but I think I’m not writing enough, or maybe too much but not enough entries…

22. Explore my own city 

23. Practice photography skills 

24. Take weekends off 

25. Use my hands more often 

Have you ever tried not using your hands as much. Once, after trying to brush my teeth using my feet I realised everything else was going to be impossible so I went back to bed.

26. Buy more souvenirs (for myself and others) 

No No no. No one needs souvenirs. They are tat junk that fill up peoples lives with utter shit. They are generally plastic and will almost certainly end up getting trashed and going to landfill or for incineration.

27. Read more news (but don’t get stuck in it) 

28. Take a trip to visit someone I know 

29. Give a talk or presentation 

I present concepts and tell stories all the time, it’s my job

30. Do 30 days of something! 

I did lent, wahey!

And this is a list I found targeted for the girls

1. Travel solo. 

We cannot stress how valuable this is, even if you're in a relationship. 

2. Take a class to learn a new skill. 

Doesn't matter if it's pottery or pole dancing. 

3. Master cooking at least three dishes. 

And mixing three cocktails. (Without needing to panic-Google the recipe.) 

4. Run a half marathon. 

Or just walk it. Either way, sign up. 

This is a bit more like it, a half is easy

5. Go skinny dipping. 

Do this often. 

6. Learn to speak another language. 

7. Learn how to read a wine list. 

And seriously impress your friends and future suitors forevermore. 

8. Throw yourself a birthday party. 

Because, if you want something done right... 

9. Get private health insurance. 

Because if you don't have hospital cover by 31, you'll pay a loading fee once you finally do get your sh*t together and sign up. 

10. Get your super in check. 

Snoozy, but it's important to consolidate and start making contributions. (Future You will thank you.) 

11. Invest in a good quality bag. 

You carry it every day, so why not? 

Does good quality equal expensive? I treated myself to a lovely smart mulberry satchel bag once in a bid to look a little more professional. Was good until the strap broke whilst I was riding to work one morning and the contents ended up strewn across Madison Ave, with my laptop broken beyond repair. After much arguing Mulberry actually replaced the laptop so the outcome was favourable, but it took months. Now I just use my heavy duty Burton backpack. Has a life time guarantee against wear and tear so this is ideal. Plus as a guy I don’t need a bag as an accessory. The girls I live with have far too many bags, by their own admission, and spending a couple of g’s on something that won’t even fit a laptop seems rather a waste of cash to me. 

12. Take a grown up weekend away with friends. 

Even if you end up getting wasted on the wine supply.

13. Go camping. 

Not glamping, either. We mean legit, set-up-your-tent-yourself-and-suffer-through-the-mozzies camping.

14. Learn to meditate. 

And "namaste" your way to a better life.

15. Learn about politics. 

You should know the difference between the Senate and a socialist.

16. Take a road trip.

Whether solo, with bae, or your best m8s.

17. Pay off your credit card/personal loan/HECs debt. 

The feeling will be priceless.

18. Treat yourself to a fancy dining experience. 

As a reward for 17.

19. Volunteer for a cause you believe in. 

Not just as a one-off, either—make it a regular thing.

20. Live abroad. 

If only for the hot foreign strangers.

21. Cross off some of the classics. 

Add Charlotte and Emily Brontë, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, Maya Angelou, Joan Didion and Anais Nin to your reading list, stat.

22. Take control of your sexual health. 

Which means finding the right birth control for you, and making time for regular STD checks, among other things.

23. Do something that scares you. 

Swimming with sharks, skydiving, even just going to the top of a really tall building if heights freak you out.

24. Ask for a pay rise. 

Even if it falls into the above category. Actually, especially if it falls into the above category.

25. Have savings. 

Because having financial freedom is so, so important. (Also money can buy you fun things like holidays and cars and doggos.)

26. Find a mentor. 

If you don't have one in your workplace, reach out to someone in your industry via LinkedIn and see if they'd be open to you shouting them a coffee.

27. Start and finish an educational course. 

Whether it's finally finishing your uni degree, or upskilling yourself in something like coding.

28. Find your 'thing' in exercise. And do it regularly.

29. Be able to ask for what you want in bed. 

Yes, even that.

What is ‘that’ ladies?

30. Start taking your health seriously. Because if you don't, who will?

On the whole the lists show that you need to be taking more control of your life and know what the fuck you’re doing. You should be getting more experiences in your life with some spontaneity added for good measure. I consider myself lucky enough to have achieved more than most, but I don’t want to brag about it. I could’ve sat back, done very little and still been comfortable, but the world is a wonderful place and the people on it can be even better and removing yourself from the comfort zone enables you to be more accepting of everything. I did expect to see lists of some pretty wacky far out shit, which I’m sure everyone has a bit off in their lives, but I suppose turning 30 is meant to mean starting to put the more foolish things behind you. I agree with it a little but I still want to be doing the things I’ve done in my 20s well into my 40s. Call me sad for not wanting to grow up but it’s true, I don’t so I will cling on to as much as possible for as long as I can. Will be making my 40 before 40 list over the next few months but I have plenty of time to write and fulfil.

My birthday is now less than a week away and I’m now starting to review my annual resolutions, which have panned out somewhat different to how I envisioned.

Enjoy the week peeps.

[batshitbetty-blog1]

Multicontinental Madness

Fucked up dream time! 

This one's a wild ride, so hold on to your hats. It starts with me in London, checking into a hotel.  That goes well enough, but then I'm given complex instructions on how to get to my room.  Apparently in this hotel, the elevators only run between one floor and the next, and you have to switch elevators on every floor as you go up.  Of course, the elevators aren't centrally located, so you have to tour each floor before you can move up.

In my wanderings, I passed a floor with a tropical "natural" pool, including a bar halfway in, on one floor.  The next floor was a massive library with rooms around the edges.  Then came the "roof," even though it was stacked in the middle of all the floors.  Somehow the sky above was open and the sun was shining, regardless of the fact that it wasn't actually the roof of the building.

The next floor was a labyrinth of thin hallways with evenly spaced shower heads, most of which were in use by other hotel patrons.  I wound my way through it looking for the next elevator, and eventually rounded a corner and came face to face with a naked guy who, in spite of having a gym-toned body, looked incredibly insecure being naked in a maze full of other naked people. 

I decided it was incumbent upon me to boost his confidence, so I nudged him backwards with several shoves on the chest, dragging my luggage behind me the whole way, until he was backed up against a sink.  I then manhandled him in some way, but I couldn't tell you how because the dream actually went fuzzy while this was going on, like blocked porn on a hotel TV in the 90s.

This led to me being kicked out by a bellboy.  I managed to find a taxi, and when the driver asked me where I was headed, I told him I didn't know and explained what had just happened.  He nodded sagely and told me this particular hotel was known for that, and that the guy I'd manhandled was actually a hotel employee whose job it was to roam around that floor in the buff to trap patrons into acting inappropriately.  

The driver decided to help me out and called the hotel, using the voice of the front desk clerk, and explained that my ban had been lifted and I was to be allowed to check into my room as planned.  He refused to take any money from me, saying it was only the right thing to do in response to the hotel's unethical business practices.

Knowing all this didn't stop me from repeating this cycle with the same dude on the same floor and getting kicked out three more times.   Somehow, each time I got booted, the driver was still there.  He'd sigh, call the hotel, and pretend to be someone of increasing importance to get me back in, generally by pointing out that I had done the responsible thing and fuzzed out my interactions with the hotel's boy toy to avoid directly offending any other patrons.

When that cycle ended, I found myself in a huge building that was a cross between a shopping mall and Hogwarts.  I had been brought in as part of a special tour and presentation to the kids who, depending on which section they belonged to, were either students of the school or the children of shopping parents who had been dropped off at day care.   There were to be three different groups of kids seeing the presentation that day, and we were just getting the first underway. 

The tour included a look into several classrooms and shops, and was interrupted by a random staircase flood.  We were advised to stand at the outside edge of the staircase to avoid the water.  I managed to stand on the wrong side for long enough to get soaked from the waist down, but after I moved to the right side, some guy from up ahead came crashing down in a wave of water and profanity. The tour ended up back at the day care center, where all the adults present were supposed to teach the kids about certain concepts they'd use at some point in their future lives. 

I noticed then that there were more adults than I had thought there would be, and enjoyed knowing that I'd be spending less time talking with all the extra people.  The facilitator came around and handed me an otherworldly-long clipboard.   In exchange, I rooted around in my pocket and came up with a used handkerchief to give her.  She seemed pleased to get it - she wasn't in any way grossed out over it. She then asked me to explain the concept of an equitable transaction to the kids. 

I pointed out to them that she had given me a clipboard and I had, in turn, given her the contents of my nose.  We had both gotten something we were pleased with out of the deal.  Therefore, the transaction was equitable.

As we were gearing up for round two, the dream shifted again.  I was back home this time, just coming home after a day at some unspecified job.  The neighbor's portion of the duplex was on fire, so I had to park up the street and walk a bit to get home.  (No, it didn't bother me that the building I lived in was on fire.  It seemed logical in this dream that the fire would respect the boundaries of property ownership.)

Oh, and I was naked. With nothing but a plastic shopping bag to preserve my modesty, I legged it up the street and into my house.  On climbing the stairs, I found that, while I was gone, Mom and a couple of her sisters (who I didn't recognize at all) had completely remodeled the second floor of the house.  They made judicious use of the theory behind Pratchett's L Space, because the inside was now several times larger than the outside. 

The whole area had been redone in dark wood and my bedroom now occupied an L-shape at the front of the house. I kicked everybody out so I could get dressed privately, even though I no longer had a closet.  Then I wandered into my bathroom to pee, and found that it had been redone in such a way that different objects somehow occupied the same space at the same time. 

The sink was now in a little cubby on its own.  My toiletries were stored behind the mirror in a cabinet that could only be opened by properly twisting one of several coat hooks mounted on the glass.  Next to it - at first glance, anyway - were two toilets.  One looked like it had been ripped out of a wheelchair accessible stall in a hideous public bathroom, and the other looked like something out of the future that I was afraid to touch because what if it came with the three shells I never bothered to learn how to use?

The bathtub was new and much bigger, with three different drains and several jets.  I tried running the faucet just to watch it in action and it suddenly started leaking rust from a tiny, uncaulked bit on the back side, so I turned it off.  I also found a light that delayed for a minute or so before turning on after the switch was flipped.

So I got situated and started to pee, when I hear a voice to my left talking to me.  Not only did someone shove the door open to talk to me while I pissed, but - of course - it turned out to be the naked guy from the London hotel, only with clothes on this time.  I don't remember what we talked about, but damn if it - both the conversation and the stream of urine - didn't go on for a very awkward length of time.

Finally done with the bathroom, I wandered out, only to see that where the toilets had once been there was now a set of shelves.  On those shelves was about a six year supply of loofahs, all of which carried different scents.  I raised an eyebrow and left the room. Then I found out that Mom had also upgraded our internet package while I was gone, and it needed to be set up.  She also handed me a "savings card" the cable company had given her to go along with the new service and asked if it was worth keeping.  I read about it, and found that for the low price of $48.00 a month, we could get a statement credit of $16.85 once every two years.  I threw the thing in the trash.

I suddenly remembered I'd left my car up the street and left to go get it now that the fire department and whoever else was out of the way.  On the way out through the garage, I saw that Mom had upgraded her car.   It was still an SUV, but now it was black and looked like something you'd expect to see the A Team rolling around in if they were a bunch of soccer moms in a Batman movie. As I'm walking up the street, I realize in a flash that Cami and Quincee have gone missing, so I fished their collars and leashes out of one of my pockets and start the hunt. 

Before long, I run into a street urchin who asks what kind of dogs I'm missing.  When I tell him they're a couple of yellow labs, he points to a tent on a street corner a bit up the street, where the girls are rooting through people's food.   Oh.  And Quincee, for some reason, is now a German shepherd. They're madly excited to see me, and in my haste to get them home I slip the wrong collar on the wrong dog. 

This apparently signals to them that it's time to go on an adventure, as they take off like sled dogs, dragging me along behind like I'm on a sled.  Suddenly we're in San Francisco, and I can't get the girls to direct themselves toward home. I lose them again, me and the street urchin running madly behind them.

We caught up with them under a bridge, where they were being chased in a circle by a cop on a motorbike.  Cami finally turns and jumps up to shove the cop off his bike, and then both dogs leap over construction mess to be intercepted by a couple of frat boys on bicycles.  The frat boys catch them and give the leashes back to me, and then we're off on another wild ride. They end up rounding a corner and flying down a massive staircase toward the beach.

This is when I woke up, probably because there was no way in hell the imaginary sled I was stuck to would survive a trip down that incredibly long, steep staircase. Been a while since I've had a dream like this.  What I lack in quantity, I make up for in quality.