#the corn chip chronicles

[shadamyfan1923]

Would you fight God for a corn chip?

Hmmm........you know, I'm not sure if I'd be able to take on God, especially if my prize was a singular corn chip......however, I'm prepared to die trying.

[emilyrox]

Would YOU fight God for a corn chip?????

Looked at my corn chip chronicles tag and decided to uno-reverse me, I see.

Yes, I 100% would. It would be hilarious.

[dystini]

Indycar Driver Lore

Indycar Driver Lore Masterlist

Josef Nicolai Newgarden

His name was originally Joseph Edgar Newgarden but it was changed when he was 6

Birthdate: Dec. 22, 1990 Hometown: Nashville, Tennessee Residence: Nashville, Tennessee Height/Weight: 6’0/177lbs

Rookie Year: 2012

Team: Penske

Follow him on: Instagram Twitter YouTube

Career Stats

2012: Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing - 23rd Overall 2013: Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing - 14th Overall 2014: Sarah Fisher Hartman Racing - 13th Overall 2015: CFH Racing - 7th Overall 2016: Ed Carpenter Racing - 4th Overall 2017: Team Penske - 1st Overall 2018: Team Penske - 5th Overall 2019: Team Penske - 1st Overall 2020: Team Penske - 2nd Overall 2021: Team Penske - 2nd Overall 2022: Team Penske - 2nd Overall 2023: Team Penske - 5th Overall

Cohosted (as of 2024 on indefinite hiatus) fan-favorite behind-the-scenes video series Bus Bros with teammate Scott McLaughlin. Bus Bros Playlist

Behind-the-scenes race weekend videos. Admit1 playlist

SRX - 2022 Nashville, 2023 Motor Mile

IMSA 2023 - Tower Motorsports - Daytona 24 | Porsche Penske Motorsport – Petite Le Mans 2024 - Porsche Penske Motorsport – Daytona 24 win

-a versatile athlete, who appeared on a 2016 episode of “American Ninja Warrior” with other NTT Indycar Series drivers and has participated in the NFL Combine and the Indiana Pacers Slam Dunk contest. He played baseball and basketball before turning to racing. -Listens to R&B and dance/EDM and is a fan of Twenty One Pilots, The Weekend, Skrillex, and Diplo -Avid gamer; is a brand ambassador for Forza Motorsport and is featured in voiceovers for multiple versions of the game, including Forza Motorsport 7 -Is an outstanding ping pong player and hosts an annual celebrity ping pong tournament around the Music City Grand Prix. It serves as a fundraiser for SeriousFun Children’s Network -Enjoys rock climbing and most outdoor activities; an avid Forza player

-cannot resist chocolate chip cookies or brownies

-doesn't like heights

Iconic/memorable moments

The rainbow cake deep throat at 15:00 "I may just put this in my crotch." 11:55 (keep watching for shirtless, sweaty Josef) Pullups with chains around his neck 0:15 (plus other drivers working out and highlights) The infamous Milk Gimp Indy 500 ad (viewer discretion advised) Drivers of the Corn - starring: Simon Pagenaud & Josef Newgarden BUS BROS Episode 12: We Got You My Favorite Summer Salad! (Because the world needs Josef Newgarden squeezing the life out food to make a salad.) starting at 0:50 Josef and Sage Karam at the 2015(?) NFL Combine 2022 INSIDE THE RACE // JOSEF NEWGARDEN Josef Newgarden shares BBQ Turkey Burger recipe LET THERE BE MILK. IndyCar off-season training hits different. Indy 500 Champ Josef Newgarden Shows Us His Workout | Train Like | Men's Health Josef Newgarden and James Hinchcliffe Visit Space Camp 2023 Indy 500: Josef Newgarden Victory Celebration Speech Josef Newgarden relives 'the worst wreck I've ever had' at Texas | 'I Survived' | Motorsports on NBC Josef Newgarden, Scott McLaughlin are teammates, friends, competitors | Motorsports on NBC PLAYING THE NEWLYWED GAME WITH THE BUS BROS: SCOTT MCLAUGHLIN & JOSEF NEWGARDEN!!!! Josef Newgarden: Defending a Championship Google Search - Josef Newgarden IndyCar Chronicles with Josef Newgarden INDYCAR 101: Driver Fitness with Josef Newgarden Josef Newgarden and Simon Pagenaud | No. 1 Josef Newgarden III (Incognito 3) INDYCAR FANswers: Josef Newgarden INDYCAR Travels: Josef Newgarden in Milwaukee Josef Newgarden Undercover

The INDYCAR Off-Season with Marco Andretti, James Hinchcliffe, Josef Newgarden and Conor Daly IndyCar: Robin Miller with Josef Newgarden at Road America Driver Josef Newgarden Red Carpet Interview from the INDYCAR Championship Celebration Josef Newgarden | Christmas Movie Quotes Reddit Asks Josef Newgarden Anything! 2022 Edition Reddit Asks Me Anything! Part 1 Reddit Asks Me Anything! Part 2 Josef Newgarden goes INTO THE CROWD to celebrate his Indy 500 victory! James Hinchcliffe talks donuts, mac & cheese and chocolate with Josef Newgarden , Romain Grosjean Will Power and more. Josef Newgarden and Scott McLaughlin | Hot Seats with Hinch

2024 Cheating scandal Team Penske hit with penalties over Push to Pass use; O’Ward declared St. Petersburg winner How Team Penske took push-to-pass beyond the limit

Penske Perfect and Details Matter are two phrases often used in conjunction with the Penske organization. And when they can be used to dunk on Ferrucci, all the better.

Josef is a perfectionist. This is a combo of his highly competitive nature - which has been said about him from a young age - and the Penske Perfect motto which he has taken to heart. He is highly critical of himself - getting very down on himself if he makes a mistake and taking the blame for things not wholly under his control. But he tried to maintain a genial if slightly arrogant image in public. He slips sometimes - there have been a few angry Twitter interactions that he later apologized for and on occasion after a race, his temper will get the better of him and he'll say things he probably shouldn't.

He can be goofy as hell as seen on Bus Bros. Scott McLaughlin has brought this out of him since becoming teammates. Josef has said that Scott makes him feel more comfortable being his real self.

I would be remiss if I did not point out Josef's thighs. He is a specimen in general but those thighs should get special attention.

Fanfic Lore

Frequently paired with teammate Scott McLaughlin. As of 2024 there has been a cooling of their friendship as Josef pulls back to focus on racing/the championship.

Historically paired with Conor Daly. They raced together in karts and lower-series cars.

[clairethecutepup]

Fazbear Frights (The Fanfiction Chronicles): In Your Dreams... (Ch. 1)

Fazbear Entertainment performs a business collaboration with Bogosoft, who is involved more in the comic and video game industry. The partnership involves a promotion on both ends: Bogosoft makes their latest platformer idea reality, while Fazbear Entertainment agrees to feature animatronics based on Bogosoft's characters. The characters in question are from Bogosoft's latest and retro throwback hit, Corn Kidz 64: the one-horned goats, Seve and Alexis. Two characters that are of great interest to Claire, the current night guard of the lucky location. Even if it’s just as animatronics instead of the real deal, it's always a dream come true to have your favorite characters brought to life! However, it'll always devolve into a nightmare when you become their favorite person...

[Chapter 1: Starting the First Sleepover…]

Claire considers herself blessed, though odd it may be. The factory was supposed to be her safe haven from jobs that'd otherwise force her to face customers, but mass layoffs ensued from diminishing sales. Claire worried she'd have to stick by the idea of choosing more... drastic options, should she have ever been faced with the threat of returning to that Hell. There was a reason it would often follow: "Retail." Of course, it goes double for working through a pandemic, which cemented Claire's dark promise to herself. Luckily, there was that "blessedness" of her situation currently: a job as a night guard, than another hapless soul behind a counter or where else she'd be vulnerable to further abuse-- including physical. Yes, a guard still had physical threats to consider, but she'd be allowed to harm them in return without as much consequence.

Then again, she's "guarding" a pizzeria, not a bank nor museum that'd tempt the eye of many a thief nor other malicious intruder. It was tricky to adjust to a new sleep schedule, having been so used to waking up with the sun, but the moon would soon have her as its companion instead. To make it less of a chore, Claire just pretended she was a werewolf who's ready to face another night of defending her den. Who ever said growing old meant growing up? Fortunately, night became less scary, the more she felt used to its presence as darkness. It honestly wasn't all that different from the vacant and darkened landscape of early factory day mornings.

Claire became used to things, soon enough. However, there was one change that'd come: in addition to the standard Fazbear quartet of Bonnie, Chica, Foxy and Freddy himself, there'd be two new characters. Claire recognized them from that new and retro-styled video game, Corn Kidz 64: Seve and Alexis, the one-horned goats. Apparently, Fazbear Entertainment had decided on a collaboration with Bogosoft, the goats' creator: another "retro" title would be made of Freddy and friends, and that promotion on Bogosoft's part would be met with the promotion of their brand through this new attraction. Why, the in-game "Dreem Soda" had also been added to the menu and “Pizza Nachos” (just cheesy chips with pizza sauce and pepperoni), to further complete the tie-in to one another. Claire felt excited, when she first saw that stage under construction and came across the article on her phone that detailed everything. True, she could have simply satisfied curiosity by means of a simple, "What's gonna be added there?" but human interaction is risky business. Even before all of... that retail stuff, Claire still kept to herself more than anything.

Eventually, the proper stage for the new animatronics would finish, and the unicorn-esque duo arrived. When doing her rounds that night, Claire's heart beat with excitement as she got closer to that area of the building. It was more efficient to take her time during the "on foot" part of her security job, as the cameras couldn't always show everything. Plus, Claire wouldn’t be a very good guard if she just ran to the place that caught her eye over personal interests, rather than reasonable suspicion. But soon enough, she finally arrived at that little stage built just for them: the checkered floor of a square, the painted red background that sat behind a fence painted over it, and the gothic goats themselves that stood front and center. Seve remained frozen in his typical grouchy frown, while Alexis smiled at nothing as a happy statue. They were one of the few times where a character avoids looking terrifying in a realistic and three dimensional plane, even when that appearance is accompanied by the black joint indents and vacant eyes of an animatronic.

Claire steps onto the stage herself, wanting to get a closer look. She always wondered what it’d be like to actually meet some of her favorite fictional characters. It’s a true testament to Claire’s short height, when Mr. 3’ 7 and Ms. 3’ 8 reached the woman’s flatter breasts. Combined with the youthful and round face, it’s no wonder her ID became her best drinking buddy-- or shopping buddy, as bars would never be ideal to her. Claire walks around the duo a few times, taking in every last detail on how they might’ve been if they were real people (animals?). Claire gets the weird idea to hug them, especially Alexis, but that’s both unprofessional and possibly a bit dangerous: they were designed for performance, not physical contact, so Claire’s little but buff arms could bust something. Still, a tiny hand would reach out and satisfy its curiosity of how soft Alexis’ “fur” was. Very, to the point where Claire could imagine herself wanting a blanket made out of the same material.

Claire walks back in front of them, wondering what their show would be like. It’d probably be something akin to Freddy and crew’s, except less about musical numbers and more about the banter. Something about the article claimed “interactiveness,” so Claire imagined AI could be involved to make the characters seem even more lifelike. What kind of conversations would she have with them…? Well, if she could even muster the courage-- even if these weren’t actual beings who could judge her as a creepy or unpleasant fan. Claire even wondered if she would count as a “loser” or “creep” regardless for sharing a child’s level of interest in fictional beings… Claire couldn't help it, though! Seve was just so cool, and Alexis had a friendly and bubbly air that made her a comforting character. If only Claire could follow Alexis' example or be Seve, except a wolf instead of a goat.

Well, Claire couldn't stay on stage with them the whole night, she still has a job to do and more pizzeria to inspect. Once again, nothing seemed out of place and it's time to return to the office cameras. Claire stopped by Seve and Alexis' stage once more. She couldn't help but approach again, just for one final look and slight wonderment of what they'll be like as part of Freddy's. Maybe she could watch their performance and finally get an idea of what they sound like, outside of the in-game baaing? Jeez, all of this obsessiveness on her part made Claire wonder what it would be like for a fictional character to become real in general... How creepy would it be to appear in a world where everyone somehow knows all about you and especially wants to cling to you? Well, at the very least, Claire could convince herself she's not a full-on "loser creep" over those character-based interests: she wouldn't be acting like this if they weren't just lifeless animatronics, for one thing.

Claire looked down at Seve one final time, her tilted head filled with the idea of him trying that new "Pizza Nachos" item-- possibly from personal consolation, after Alexis forced him along to Freddy's to admire the animal band and play the games here. Claire could totally imagine that sort of adventure for them... But what she didn't imagine was Alexis' eyes staring at her. Claire thought something seemed odd in her upper peripheral vision, making her own eyes shift upward on her still-lowered head. Alexis' magenta eyes shift forward again, only barely preventing true eye contact with Claire's big blues; however, Claire didn't need the eye contact to know what she saw, what Alexis just did when she's not supposed to be active...

Claire jumps off the stage and looks back, specifically at the doe. She knows it's not sleep deprivation, she's far too used to working this nightly shift... Alexis was staring at her and tried to act like nothing happened. Claire tries to process the scary event… Was Alexis not fully off and thus has some "detection" mode on for people; but then, why did she look away like she didn't want Claire to notice? And what about Seve: was he secretly staring at Claire, too, just doing a better job of secrecy?

Claire didn't think she was in any actual danger... Seve and Alexis wouldn't be designed for such a thing, especially not when even their horns would be plush more than actual bone. She walks closer again, making sure to not only stay out of arm's reach but any pouncing distance, as well. She repeatedly flicks her flashlight in Alexis' eyes, trying to provoke another response. When she doesn't get a response, Claire gets another idea to absolutely be sure: she pretends to go on her way, but peers around the corner to see if they... Well, could be "shy." Claire couldn't rely on the camera for a secret view, since Seve and Alexis' stage was in one of the blindspots that made periodic patrols necessary. It's not exactly like two animatronics, who aren't even Fazbear characters to begin with, would be high enough priority for their own personal camera.

Claire's heart sank further than she did behind the corner, when Alexis moved again: her head turned slightly, the rest of her robotic body remaining immobile. Claire couldn't hear them, but she saw the moving mouths that indicated speaking...

"I think she saw me, Seve..."

"Why did you need to move anyway...?!"

"I got nervous! She kept circling us like she knew something..."

"She was just curious or somethin'..."

"But it seemed like an 'I'm onto ya!' kind of thing...!"

"How the heck would she know anything...?! Hmph, she probably does now... If we get scrapped, I'm blaming you."

"Seve...! She's watching us..."

The robotic buck snaps his head toward where the other's gaze fell, the rest of his own body not needing to move either-- despite the 180 degree turn. It was faint, but Claire's little blonde bob cut and pale face managed to stick out from the surrounding darker colors.

"Hey, freeze!"

"W-What are you--?!"

"--Something that's better than just hoping she stays quiet!"

The animatronics could walk?!! No, RUN-- SOMETHING CLAIRE NEEDS TO DO!! She can only think of fleeing to the office and shutting the door. Seve was fast, despite his shorter legs, but Claire managed to reach the left doorway and press the button. She barely had seconds to spare... Then, she runs to the other door and shuts it, just for safer measure. She perfectly replicates a scared child hiding under their bed, as she crawls under the desk and hugs herself. Did she fall asleep and this was some nightmare...? After all, there's no way someone would need to worry about animatronics harming them in real life, right? 

"Hey, open up!" Seve's roars accompanied his pounding, "Don't make me break this stuff down-- I'll find some way to!"

Seve might've been a great deal shorter, but Claire worried size wouldn't be everything... For starters, what if he didn't feel pain, unlike her? At the very least, he could still reach and hit her skull... 

"Let me try, Seve..."

"You; the heck are you gonna do?!"

"Well, she's not gonna open up and’ll definitely tell on us, if ya keep scaring her like that!" Alexis then leans against the door, pressing her cloth face on it, "Uh, excuse me, Miss Security Guard...? I know it's really weird and maybe even scary to see us moving and talking... But we're nice, I promise!"

Claire doesn't know if she can trust them... Seve, for one thing, can be quite punch-happy if he's provoked enough, and she’d imagine his robotic twin being similar. Cloth or not, she'd imagine it'd hurt.

"Come out, pretty please...?" Alexis still tries, "Uh... I'll give you some candy?"

"'Candy'?!" Seve repeats, "That's the best you got?!"

"... Everyone likes it?"

Claire looks at the clock: she's got a few more hours to go and she's not sure if she can stay in here for that long. Not just for bathroom-related matters, but also because the office wasn't designed as Fort Knox: the idea was just to make it harder to get inside, not impossible. Maybe she could call the police and claim that someone had broken in and was trying to "leave no witnesses"? She was honestly a bit scared of Seve and Alexis returning to normal when someone arrived, however... That'd be an awkward explanation to give.

"Just keep her in there..." Seve walks away, "I got an idea..."

Claire just remains in her huddled position, as Alexis keeps trying to coax her into opening up. Then, the sound of the ventilation shaft gets Claire's attention: Seve lifts the grate open and enters her office. Claire doubts she'd be able to reach the door Alexis isn't behind in time, plus she doesn't know if the doe actually moved there; so the poor kid just stays hidden behind her chair and under her desk. Seve just looks at her, as he opens both doors and lets Alexis enter through the left one. They approach the chair that Claire believes will save her: Seve has his arms folded, and Alexis more gingerly holds her hooves together and with a friendlier smile.

"Uh, hiyah..." Alexis waves, "Sooo... Uh, yeah, it seems they, er, accidentally made us alive?"

"Accidentally alive"? Claire wasn't sure how someone "accidentally" creates apparent life... Okay, technically it is possible, like when people have too much to drink-- but there's a clear difference between "surprises" and artificial intelligence becoming artificial life! Claire would've been far more comfortable with the notion, actually, if she wasn't afraid about what might be done next to keep things a secret... If Seve would chase her down like that, perhaps even death could be a solution here if desperate enough? Sure, Claire found no reason to be scared of what happens to all eventually, it was more so the likely anguish during the process that terrified her. Claire just stays behind the chair, gripping it with both hands and wondering how effective her flashlight would be for makeshift clubbing.

"I promise we won't take over the world or anything!" Alexis continues, "We can't even leave the pizzeria... So, maybe you could just pinkie promise or something to stay quiet?"

Alexis offers her wiggling one, making Claire shrink back.

"... Okay, this ain't gonna work..." Seve rolls his eyes, fighting Claire for the chair, "Plan B: we just knock her out, now gimme that flashlight and get outta there!"

"Seve, that's not gonna help!"

"You can help by holding her down and helping me realize when she stops moving."

"Shoo, go on, shoo..." Alexis waves him away, "Let Ol’ Lexi take care of everything!"

"After Ol' Lexi caused everything by having to friggin' move?"

Alexis just pouts and points, making the buck roll his eyes and walk off with hunched shoulders. Alexis then kneels down and smiles at Claire again.

"Seve's just silly, we won't actually hurt'cha!" Alexis raises her pinkie again, "See? Pinkie promise! Just like you could make one to...? I'll even let you touch my face again, if ya want!"

Now Claire feels like the creepy one... But how was she to know they were sentient enough to require consent? But anyhow, despite Seve's more aggressive demeanor, the animatronics were acting pretty much in character... So, maybe Alexis wouldn't hurt her? It's not like she's exactly able to escape right now anyhow-- and she doesn't dare risk Seve's wrath with some immediate flashlight-clubbing! Claire reaches a shaky pinky out, careful to prevent her wrist from suddenly being grabbed and herself yanked by it. Soft, fleshy digit wraps around hard, plastic digit. 

"See? It's a promise!" Alexis giggles, "We won't hurt you, and you can't tell anyone!"

Claire just nods, wondering what to do now. She didn't trust Seve to stick by that promise-- even though she didn't dare squeal about this. Claire then perks up, as Alexis' pinkie-promising hoof gently moves up her tiny hand and holds it, rubbing the palm with a thumb.

"You're so soft," Alexis giggled, "... Can I hug ya?"

Claire didn't fully trust her yet, but she suddenly found herself pulled out by just that gentle hoof. Alexis catches her, Claire now standing evenly at the other’s height by being on her knees. It felt more like being enveloped by a stuffed animal than a robot. Alexis giggles again and squeezes Claire.

"You really are soft..." the doe wags her tail, "I could hold you forever."

Claire looks at Seve, who growls and presses a plastic finger into her nose. Yeah, Claire definitely wouldn't say anything... Alexis then presses Claire's head against hers, her plastic grin wide as it possibly could be.

"I like ya..." she giggles, "Say, why don't we be friends? You know we're alive, sooo..."

"Why?" Seve asks, "I doubt she even likes ya herself..."

"Come on, Seve, you can never have too many friends!" Alexis then leans into his ear, "Plus, she might be less likely to tell on us if we're friends..."

Claire could still hear that, since her head was still against Alexis'... Seve just rolled his eyes at the notion, but he didn't seem too interested in arguing. Alexis finally releases Claire, who's past the point of running and just accepting things, as they all sit together in the office. Alexis wanted Claire to tell her everything: what it's like to be made of flesh and bone instead, what it's like outside the pizzeria... Claire gave the smallest and simplest answers she could, avoiding eye contact and trying to work up the courage for her own questions. Luckily, Alexis already had that base covered.

"So, I guess it's only fair to say some stuff about us, too, huh?"

Claire lifts her head, finally making direct eye contact.

"I bet you were curious," Alexis giggles, "So, wanna know anything about us? I can start by telling you I love animals, like how it'd be super cool to have those adorable little stuffed animals of Freddy and everyone!"

“... When did you become sentient…?”

“Hmmm?” Alexis leans closer, aiming an ear at her and holding a hoof beside it, “Speak up, I can’t hear ya.”

Claire repeats it, making Alexis lean back and tap her chin.

“You mean: ‘When did Seve and I start being alive’? Umm… I guess the first time we opened our eyes.”

It was a rather strange experience for the two… Just endoskeletons with functional eyes, taking in their surroundings and the beings within it. Neither had any idea that the identical, metallic frame of a face sitting across them would become their friend. Their ONLY friend… The two always had a feeling that if they made their “advanced technology” a bit too obvious, they’d probably be in some deep trouble. Not all people would just follow Claire’s example of simply running away… Though, everyone behaving more terrifiedly than hostilely would still be quite lonesome, even if the goats remained with each other.

They were curious as to what they are and what they’re apparently meant to become: whenever alone, they’d examine and test their latest parts-- from new voice boxes, to their new and operable hooved hands. Of course, Alexis couldn’t resist playfully booping Seve’s snout, prompting the other incomplete endoskeleton and body to smack her hand away. Eventually, they’d be finished and take in the full extent of their given identities: no longer were they simply the replicated minds of Seve and Alexis, but the actual goats in the flesh-- or cloth. 

Unfortunately, they never had much to do when finally left alone. Sure, they could make what little conversation they could or Alexis would amuse herself with Seve’s annoyance; but they couldn’t risk doing too much nor get too engrossed overall, lest they risk being walked in on and face who-knows-what. However, there was one way they could frolic together and amuse themselves safely: the dreams they managed to share. Claire guessed she could see it: if Seve and Alexis had enough sentience to form memories and engage with her like this, then it wouldn’t be too farfetched to imagine their artificial intelligence as advanced enough to replicate a brain’s dreaming projections. But what does an animatronic dream of…?

“We have lots of adventures when we dream!” Alexis explains, “We can go to all sorts of places and do all sorts of things! I even got to be a cumulonim-bush: it’s a big, fluffy cloud, but it’s made of leaves instead!” she then widens her eyes, before smooshing Claire’s face in between her hands, “Wait, if Seve and I can dream together, maybe you can join us, too! We can be ‘dream buddies,’ on top of friends!”

Claire blinks in response, trying to comprehend that. She knew it was possible to dream about other people, but could you really share a dream with someone? Not to mention, sharing a dream with two “someone’s” like them.

“Oh, let’s try it right now!”

Claire’s eyes widened at the suggestion.

“I don’t wanna…” she whimpered, “I’ll get in trouble ‘cause I slept while working…”

“Not if Seve and I can help it,” Alexis giggles, “Come on, let’s try it!”

“I can’t sleep, even if I wanted to…”

“Just leave it to me! Um, let’s see…”

Alexis lies her horn against Claire’s forehead, shutting her eyes tightly and straining to have some manner of effect. Perhaps the real Alexis could’ve had some effect with that horn, but not some robotic copy.

“Uh, I don’t think it’s working…” Seve points out, “Besides, do we really need to include her?”

“It’ll be fun, Seve!” Alexis assures, then looks at Claire, “So, is there anything that helps get ya sleepy?”

“No, I can’t…” Claire whimpers, “I gotta stay awake…”

In all honesty, even if she was allowed to sleep, Claire didn’t trust these two enough with her semi-conscious body.

“Aww, but I wanna see if we can…” Alexis pouts, then grins, "Oh, maybe we could get you a glass of warm milk or get you your own stuffed toy to sleep with!"

Claire bites her lip, realizing "No," meant: "I just need help making it a 'yes' instead!" She just shakes her head at the robot, who kept spouting off various ideas on how they could become "dream buddies."

"Oh, I've got it!" Alexis finally gasps and pulls Claire from chair to knees, "Sometimes, people get sleepy when they're rocked, right?"

Seve rolls his eyes, "You gonna sing her a lullaby, too, Mom?"

Claire grimaces at the thought, uncomfortable of being treated like an actual infant... It doesn't matter what makes her uncomfortable, as long as it makes her sleepy, however. In that stuffed animal's hug again, Claire sways back and forth, while Alexis hums and rocks on her heels. She's careful not to do it too quickly, thus sickening the other or making them fall onto each other. The tune she hums sounded familiar, reminding Claire of their originating game's music: specifically, it was a tune that felt better suited for climbing a certain anxiety-inducing tower whose fitting name contrasted with the gentler and soothing melody. Seve facepalms, disbelieving of how Alexis is actually going through with his sarcastic suggestion-- more or less. He'd better keep his yap shut, or this poor lady might actually find herself set in a crib afterwards... But then, his eyes widened at quite the surprise: Claire's own eyes actually grew heavier with each soothing sway. Soon, reality became a fleeting memory...

When Claire opened her eyes again, she stood in a strange new area: it seemed like a giant playground of sorts, with playful equipment and the surrounding fencing on the upper cliffside. However, this area was far from the innocent nature of most ones: the sky was a reddish purple, there was a desolateness outside the fencing, and there was a giant pair of dentures with a top hat and eyeballs. That last one especially creeped Claire out...

"Wow, it worked, you're really here!"

Claire turned around, facing the caprine duo; however, despite still standing no taller than before, there's a clear difference to them now… and herself, as well.

[End Chapter]

[lizzygrantarchives]

The Guardian, June 12, 2014

Lana Del Rey has been through the wringer since her breakthrough success led to a vicious backlash, which shows in the 'narco swing' of her brooding new album Ultraviolence – and the fact that she can't stop talking about dying.

"I wish I was dead already," Lana Del Rey says, catching me off guard. She has been talking about the heroes she and her boyfriend share – Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain among them – when I point out that what links them is death and ask if she sees an early death as glamorous. "I don't know. Ummm, yeah." And then the death wish.

Don't say that, I say instinctively.

"But I do."

You don't!

"I do! I don't want to have to keep doing this. But I am."

Do what? Make music?

"Everything. That's just how I feel. If it wasn't that way, then I wouldn't say it. I would be scared if I knew [death] was coming, but …"

We're in New Orleans, a city not known for peace and quiet. A couple of blocks from Lana Del Rey's hotel lies Bourbon Street, the scene of drunken rampages from morning till night. Head in the opposite direction and you can expect to be assaulted by the vibrant brass of the French Quarter's street jazz musicians. Even inside Del Rey's elegant suite there is carnage: suitcases half-exploded; bags of corn chips strewn across the floor. Even her laptop has been doused in tomato ketchup, temporarily thwarting our attempts to hear songs from her new album Ultraviolence. "Ewww," she says, baffled as to how a condiment could have found its way inside the power socket.

And yet when we move outside to sit on her balcony, the scene is transformed into complete calm. "This place is magical," she says, sparking up the first of many cigarettes. So serene is the setting, in fact, that it takes me by surprise when Del Rey begins to tell me how unhappy she is: that she doesn't enjoy being a pop star, that she feels constantly targeted by critics, that she doesn't want to be alive at all.

"Family members will come on the road with me and say: 'Wow, your life is just like a movie!'" she says at one point. "And I'm like: 'Yeah, a really fucked-up movie.'"

Throughout our hour-long conversation she keeps returning to dark themes. Telling her story – a remarkable one that involves homelessness, biker gangs and being caught in the eye of a media hurricane – also involves working out why a songwriter who has sold more than 7m copies of her last album, Born To Die seems so disillusioned with life.

Perhaps the logical place to start, then, is with the extraordinary reaction to Video Games, her breakthrough song in 2011. Arriving seemingly out of nowhere (although Del Rey had been posting her songs and homemade videos for some time), the video's Lynchian creepiness cast a spell on almost everyone who saw it, causing the song to go viral. Yet no sooner had the plaudits started rolling in (the Guardian voted it the best song of 2011) than Del Rey was placed under the intense scrutiny of endless blogposts and think pieces, with critics poring over her past for evidence of fakery: was her carefully studied aesthetic for real? Was she really just a major label puppet? Had her dad funded a previous bid for fame? Were her lips the result of plastic surgery? Was she really born as plain old Elizabeth Grant rather than emerging from the womb fully formed as the popstar Lana Del Rey?

I ask how long she got to enjoy the success of Video Games before the backlash arrived and she looks surprised. "I never felt any of the enjoyment," she says. "It was all bad, all of it."

Del Rey says she's not scared to put another record out because she "knows what to expect this time", but during the two-and-a-half years since Born to Die came out, she has often dismissed the idea of a follow-up because she'd "already said everything I wanted to say". So what changed?

"I mean, I still feel that way," she says. "But with this album I felt less like I had to chronicle my journeys and more like I could just recount snippets in my recent past that felt exhilarating to me."

From the handful of songs I get to hear at the hotel, it's safe to say the new material has plenty to get the bloggers worked up about again. Sad Girl, for instance, talks about how "being a mistress on the side, might not appeal to fools like you".

She laughs when I ask where the inspiration came from: "A good question. I mean … I had different relationships with men, with people, where they were sort of wrong relationships, but still beautiful to me."

By wrong does she mean being the other woman?

She laughs again and looks away coyly. "I mean, I guess so."

It's not clear if Money, Power, Glory was originally written just to rile her detractors but it makes a decent stab at it by warning: "I'm going to take them for all that they've got."

"I was in more of a sardonic mood," she says of writing that song. "Like, if all that I was actually going to be allowed to have by the media was money, loads of money, then fuck it … What I actually wanted was something quiet and simple: a writer's community and respect." She talks about that frequently: craving a peaceful life in an artistic community, away from the glare of a media that "always puts an adjective in front of my name, and never a good one".

Like the woozy soft rock of the album's teaser track West Coast, many of the songs on Ultraviolence are slow-tempo and atmospheric, ditching the hip-hop trappings of Born To Die for what she and her producer – the Black Keys' Dan Auerbach – call a "real narco swing". Del Rey originally thought she had completed the album back in December, but after meeting Auerbach in a club and dancing the night away with him she realised she needed to record it all over again with his looser techniques – adding a more casual, California vibe to the sound by recording in single takes, with cheap microphones bought from the drugstore.

It wasn't all plain sailing. One track, Brooklyn Baby, had been written with Lou Reed in mind: he'd wanted to work with Del Rey and so she'd flown over to New York to meet him. "I took the red eye, touched down at 7am … and two minutes later he died," she says.

If the critical sniping had died down, then Del Rey was finding her life invaded by other, more intrusive, means. In 2012, her personal computer was accessed by hackers and all sorts of information started to appear online: pictures, financial details, health records, not to mention her songs. "All 211 of them," she sighs. "Just one more element of the unknown in my daily life." She says she has no way of knowing who currently has access to several years' worth of material, and no way of controlling the slow-drip leak of them online, including songs written for other people and at least one – Black Beauty – that was originally scheduled for Ultraviolence.

Indeed, when you start to look closely at Del Rey's past three years, it's not hard to understand why she might feel burned by her experience of stardom. You're also forced to wonder why the pop stars who attract the most vitriol are so often solo female artists.

"People ask me this all the time," she says. "I think they think there's an element of sexism going on, but I feel that it's more personal. I don't see where the female part comes into it. I just can't catch that feminist angle."

I mention some current examples of musicians getting picked over in the spotlight: Miley Cyrus, Lorde, Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, Sinéad O'Connor spring to mind.

"Well maybe those people are true provocateurs," she says. "But I'm really not and never have been. I don't think there's any shock value in my stuff – well, maybe the odd disconcerting lyric – but I think other people probably deserve the criticism, because they're eliciting it."

What about her video for Ride, in which she hooks up with a succession of older guys from biker gangs (it received criticism for, among other things, appearing to glamorise prostitution)?

"OK," she concedes. "I can see how that video would raise a feminist eyebrow. But that was more personal to me – it was about my feelings on free love and what the effect of meeting strangers can bring into your life: how it can make you unhinged in the right way and free you from the social obligations I hope we're growing out of in 2014."

How much did that video reflect her actual life?

"Oh, 100%"

Hanging out with biker gangs and going off with different guys?

"Yeah," she says, looking away again with another awkward laugh.

For all the accusations of being a fraud, Lana Del Rey seems to have lived a more rock'n'roll existence than your average pop star. She talks of teenage years spent "displaced … I didn't have a home, didn't know my social security number" and says she wasn't in contact with her parents for about six years. Which must have made it extra galling when accusations came in that her career was funded by her father. "It was the exact opposite of that," she says. "We never had more money than anyone we ever knew in town. My dad was a well-loved entrepreneur – he was interested in the early dawning of the internet in 1994 – but it wasn't anything that ever translated financially." When those stories first emerged in the wake of Video Games she says she wasn't even sure what her father was doing with his life: "And I don't think he was too sure what I had been up to either. So it was interesting that they sort of fictionally put us side-by-side together and involved him in that story."

Del Rey likes to describe the more tumultuous periods of her life in romantic terms: she says she'd often spend her nights wandering around New York – "West Side Highway, Lower East Side, parts of Brooklyn" – meeting strangers and seeing where the night took them. "I was inspired by Dylan's stories of meeting people and making music after you met them. I met a lot of singers, painters, bikers passing through. They were friends, or sometimes more. All people I was really interested in on impact."

It sounds pretty dangerous.

"Yeah, I was lucky, but I also have strong intuition."

Does she still do it?

"Sometimes."

Does anyone ever say: "Hang on … you're Lana Del Rey!"

"Sometimes they do. About half the time they do, half the time they don't. If they know who I am I can just leave, or I say it's not a big deal, I'm just a singer."

Are they not surprised to see you out wandering the streets?

"If I'm in LA then maybe. If I'm in Omaha, maybe not."

When she was 18, Del Rey's darker experiences – she has talked about being alcoholic – prompted her to take up outreach work helping those addicted to drugs or alcohol. It's something she describes as her true calling and something she still does when she gets the chance.

"I live in Koreatown on the edge of Hancock Park [in LA], so I do different things where and when I can. It's not just people with mental illness on the streets, but also people who, throughout the years, have lost identification information, that sort of thing. And I know what to do, I know how I can help, because I was that person."

She says it feeds directly into her music. "A lot of my songs are not just simple verse-chorus pop songs – they're more psychological." She talks about tempo, and how she likes to reflect her mental state through a song's speed: "When I played [the label] West Coast they were really not happy that it slipped into an even slower BPM for the chorus," she says. "They were like: 'None of these songs are good for radio and now you're slowing them down when they should be speeded up.' But for me, my life was feeling murky, and that sense of disconnectedness from the streets is part of that."

She longs to be regarded as a serious songwriter, which is why those early accusations of fakery stung her so badly. Yet Del Rey only really needs to take a step back to see how well things have gone for her since she rode out that initial storm and began accruing the critical respect she feels she deserves. Outside music, too, her life appears relatively settled, even if she does describe her relationship with fellow musician Barrie-James O'Neill intensely: "We have a difficult road. He's a very dark character. He has months on end where it's a really dark stretch of writing and waiting, he has his total own world so …"

She falls silent. A waft of brass floats by and mingles with her cigarette smoke. I think about her live shows, such as the outdoor one she's due to play later that night, during which she'll respond to the constant screams – her fans are too busy taking photos to applaud – by letting her band jam away for 20 minutes while she wanders the photo pit, posing for selfies with fans in the front row. Surely during those moments she must love what she does.

"No," she says. Then after another drag from her cigarette she looks down towards the busy street below and says. "I don't know what I think. All I know is that, right now, I like sitting here, on this terrace." She leans back and, for a moment, looks completely content in the silence.

Ultraviolence is released on Polydor on 16 June. Tim Jonze's trip to New Orleans was paid for by Polydor.

Originally published on theguardian.com with the headline Lana Del Rey: 'I wish I was dead already'.

Following the article’s publication, Lana Del Rey shared subsequently deleted tweets criticizing the piece:

Read The Guardian’s response here.

[kawaiidoodles95-blog]

Plot for The Monster Chronicles series: basic summary.

This is a almost completely different version/AU of Stranger Things. Very little is the same.

Henry and his crush Ariana live in a lab. It is located in the middle of a forest and valley. No civilization is here, it’s just forest and beautiful views. Every day seems like an average human lab. Experiments, soggy corn chips (that gods like for some reason,) you get the gist. Everything was normal… until it wasn’t. Henry accidentally released a world-destroying god, his crush goes missing, and everything is a mess. The lab is just falling apart! Out of guilt, Henry and his crush run away and go out to live in the wilderness. The dark, weird, unforgiving woods. Somehow, even with bounty hunters, very hostile bears, and other cray stuff, Henry and Ariana escape. They meet friends along the way (including Henry’s own sister,) they continue helping each other, and the number one thing… survive. That’s the hard part. But… oh no, they got captured by one of the Bounty Hunter groups: The Monsters of the UD. They take them in, and surprisingly don’t turn them to Chroma. Instead, the monsters keep them in the Upside Down. Henry meets even more friends there. Together, will they be able to stop Chroma?

At least, they will, unless Chroma merges with Randy.

And that’s exactly what happened.

Through tough and thought, the team was able to somehow escape. Henry finds out eventually that this was all his coma. But does Henry decide to die or go back to the way he was, in Hawkins, where he was? It’s up to him.

[necromancy-enthusiast]

I've been screwing around on my 3ds a lot so I figured I could use another Koei Warriors game on there, and since there aren't any Dynasty Warriors entries on the 3ds and it's been forever since I've touched Samurai Warriors, I might as well get the Chronicles games. Pretty much everyone in these games is at least a bit terrible (it's a series about a bunch of catty nobles who are vying for power and having wars over it, not to mention most of them would sell each other to satan for one corn chip, what do you expect) but they tend to not be very honest about that. However, there are exceptions. One of my favorite instances so far is these two basically calling each other assholes and then bantering about it like they're chatting about the weather.

[zee-the-zebra]

Would DR Characters Fight God for a Corn Chip?

Hey @emilyrox! I made another one! Now even longer.

THH Cast

Makoto: He'd somehow convince god to give up the corn chip willingly.

Byakuya: Would think it's beneath him.

Kyoko: Probably not.

Hiro: Absolutely not.

Aoi: There's a possibility, albeit a low one.

Toko: No.

Syo: Hell yeah.

Leon: He'd say he would, but run away.

Sayaka: No.

Chihiro: No. In fact would probably try to stop Mondo.

Mondo: Yep.

Taka: Helping Chihiro stop Mondo.

Hifumi: No.

Celeste: Same as Byakuya.

Sakura: No. Would probably convince Aoi to back down.

Mukuro: No.

Junko: She'd fight god because she's bored.

SDR2 Cast

Hajime: Wouldn't but just wonder how he let this happen.

Fuyuhiko: Would fight god because they called him short.

Akane: Without hesitation.

Sonia: Probably not on her own. She would with Gundham tho.

Kazuichi: Definitely not.

Teruteru: No.

Twogami: No.

Mahiru: No. Would stop Hiyoko from trying.

Peko: No. Would stop Fuyuhiko from trying.

Ibuki: 50/50 chance.

Hiyoko: Yes, while kicking and screaming the whole time.

Mikan: Says she won't but probably could.

Nekomaru: He wouldn't stop Akane. He'd help her.

Gundham: Absolutely.

Nagito: Probably not, but he may on accident.

Chiaki: Too tired to care.

Izuru: He is the god But no, he'd probably just wander off.

UDG + DR3

Komaru: No

Masaru: Yes.

Kotoko: Yes.

Nagisa: No.

Jataro: No.

Monaca: Would get someone else to fight for her.

Hiroko: No.

Yuta: Maybe?

Kanon: More likely than Yuta.

Juzo: Absolutely.

Kyosuke: He might.

Chisa: Would have to stop her two dumbass friends from trying.

Ryota: Too overworked to try.

NDRV3

Shuichi: No.

Himiko: No. Would stop Angie and Tenko.

Maki: No. Would stop Kaito.

Rantaro: No.

Kaede: Maybe?

Ryoma: Wouldn't even dream of it.

Kirumi: Possibly.

Angie: Would fight god for fun.

Tenko: Would fight god for no reason.

Korekiyo: Would rather talk with god.

Miu: Says she would, and would probably try before running away.

Gonta: Usually no, but would fight god if they hurt his friends.

Kokichi: Says he could, then immediately hides behind Gonta.

Kaito: Probably.

Kiibo: Could, but won't.

Tsumugi: Probably not.

[emilyrox]

wait wHAT-

Would you fight God for a corn chip?

No but i would sell you for free

[completeoveranalysis]

[1]

There’s probably a lot in there I should be thinking about, but in my spite I’m only honing on the fact that if Fei Waig Reed is second only to Clow, would that make him Third Overall compared to CCS Sakura? 

Also where does Yuuko rank on this chart? Evil Wolverine said something way back about comparing Yuuko to Clow, so I assume she comes close if not quite matching. 

ALSO WHAT ABOUT TOMOYO. BECAUSE THAT IS A QUESTION THAT SCIENCE DEMANDS. 

OK 

SO MY EARLIER PANIC OVER THE SEAL BREAKING WASN’T ENTIRELY MISPLACED. 

BUT IF LAVA LAMP’S SOUL FRAGMENT IS GOING BACK TO HIM, THEN WHAT HAPPENS TO SYAORAN. 

DOES HE CONTINUE AS HIMSELF. 

OR DID HE ONLY EXIST BECAUSE OF THE SOUL FRAGMENT. 

THERE ARE LOTS OF QUESTIONS. YUUKO PLEASE I NEED AN ENTIRE MANUAL OF SOUL SPLITTING AND CLONE MAGIC AND SEALS. 

I WILL TRADE YOU ONE CORN CHIP.

[recurring-polynya]

I love your RenRuki Knight x Princess artworks so much, and I literally can’t stop thinking about them! I gotta know, do you have any headcanons about the Medieval RenRuki AU? Some ideas as to how their relationship develops in that AU? 👀

Aw, thank you! 😘 

So, to tell you the truth, the reason I drew it in the first time is because I didn’t have any ideas for a narrative 😂 but I will try to put together what vague thoughts I have. Forgive me if this is a little freewheeling.

Renji’s armor obviously takes some notes from his So-oh Zabimaru form, but it’s also Heath Ledger’s armor in A Knight’s Tale, which is one of Mr. P’s all-time favorite films, and I feel like this AU has the same general vibes (namely that it is about a bunch of dirtbags pretending to be fancy and also there is a lot of jousting + electric guitar action)

The political structure is kind of like in Chronicles of Prydain, where there are a number of kingdoms of varying sizes ruled over by one High King. Byakuya rules over one of the larger and more powerful kingdoms, but back when he was still the Heir, he was one of the Hottest Shit Jousters in the realm. People were literally throwing themselves on the ground and weeping in the streets when he fell in love with and married some cute peasant girl and adopted her kid sister. (Is Hisana alive in this AU? Reader’s choice)

Byakuya had a terrible reputation for going through squires like corn chips.

Local Village Boy Renji, heartbroken over the loss of his best friend, pours himself into the noble goal of Becoming The Greatest Squire Ever. He takes every odd job he can get from the blacksmith and the stables. He does push-ups. He hangs out at the tavern where the lower ranking knights hang out and Gets Tips. 

I cannot emphasize enough that at this point, no one wants to work for Byakuya. There is a tournament coming up and he’s getting really worried that he’s going to have to carry his own stuff when this beefy peasant shows up and shouts “PLEASE I WANT TO BE YOUR SQUIRE” and Byakuya is like “Can you lift things?” and Renji is like “I WILL BENCH PRESS YOU RIGHT NOW” and Byakuya is like “please don’t, you’re hired.”

So, what’s Rukia been doing this whole time? Well, boring princess stuff, mostly, but the one highlight of her life is that Rukia loves tournaments. She knows all the knights and their stats and has a lot of Ideas and Opinions. She is constantly five seconds away from disguising herself and signing up for tournament, but she’s 4′9″ people would figure it out.

Anyway, when Renji shows up, obviously she’s happy to see him because he’s her old friend and she’s been really lonely, but also she now she gets to live vicariously through him. Having achieved his first goal, Renji reveals that his secret, next goal is to study Byakuya’s every move and become a knight himself. Rukia is down with this, mostly because he teaches her everything that Byakuya teaches him, so they can practice together. In return, Rukia teaches him stuff about manners and politics, which ends up being a lot more useful than it sounds. Obviously, there are some misunderstandings, in the sense that Renji thinks the only reason Rukia hangs out with him is because she’s a tournament superfan, and Rukia thinks he primarily puts up with her because she’s helping him achieve his goal (completely failing to realize that there is a third, even secret-er goal). Even in an AU, they are morons.

Anyway, the art all takes place the first year after Byakuya has taken the throne and feels it is no longer appropriate to personally compete in tournaments, and lets Renji compete under his house banners. (Obviously, his cousins are distressed, but that’s what they get for being bad squires)

Renji is very competent, but he’s under a lot of pressure to prove himself an adequate successor to Byakuya, who again, is regarded as the GOAT.

Oh, did I mention that some orange-haired kid shows up on the circuit this season out of absolutely nowhere and is kicking everyone’s asses? Yeah, all of this is most likely taking place as the B-roll to some Ichihime Princess-Knight AU.

In the end, the true valor is the friends we made along the way or some crap and Ichigo gets his kingdom reinstated (or whatever the hell he was doing here, this is out of my scope of work), Rukia and Renji admit their feelings and at some point Byakuya gives Renji an exceedingly mealymouthed bit of praise. Roll AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long.

More trivia: the pose in this one was inspired by this scene from Romeo + Juliet, a film that is burned extremely deeply into my psyche. I would have liked to try doing the lighting, but it looked too hard and I didn’t have the emotional capacity for it at the time. 

Oh! I almost forgot? You wanna see the alternative version of the sketch where Rukia is doing excited hands?  Here’s the alternative version of the sketch where Rukia is doing excited hands. Can you believe I drew extra hands that I didn’t even use for this?

[ultimatefangirl94]

I have survived the first week of classes!! Got 3 wins and 2 misses but the last miss (the blueberry muffins) were intentional as we were learning how different amounts of baking powder can affect a recipe or if you switch baking powder with baking soda. It was a good week and can't wait for all the rest. The scones just didn't taste good at all but I'm not a scone person so eh whatever.

[emilyrox]

Raspberry (preferably in the name of attaining cornchips) and Lilac uwu

The cornchip will be ours 😎

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

What if someone other than Visser Four found the Time Matrix?

I actually think that like 95% of the canon characters, if they stumbled on that thing and knew what they’d found, would back away slowly and not touch it.  Like, five out of six Animorphs take one look at the Time Matrix and go “no siree, not for me, I’m not fucking with that thing.”  Only Tobias even considers the possibility that it might be a good idea to try and use it to change the past (must be genetic), and he’s almost immediately shouted down by the others.

If we look at minor characters, there’s an interesting motif of people recognizing their own limits and giving up excessive power.  Erek has the ability to annihilate armies for a single day, and then gives it up.  Aftran in essence gives up all of her power to protect Karen.  Even Alloran says he wants to destroy the Time Matrix, not use it.  (Admittedly, this is Andalite Chronicles Alloran, who understands that there’s such thing as a weapon too powerful to use responsibly; Hork-Bajir Chronicles Alloran might be a different story...)  Even Drode expresses some measure of fear of the thing.

Elfangor’s the only one who possibly expresses any interest in using it multiple times.  He leaves it untouched for 15+ years, and whether he’s making a desperate bid for it at the time of his death kind of depends on how you read the opening of MM3.  And even then, Elfangor regrets some of his decisions with that thing.

So... who would use it?

Toby’s a definite maybe.  She’s in need of power to protect her people, and isn’t afraid to be somewhat ruthless in the process of securing that power.  Given her seer-powers, the end result could be... less terrible than when Elfangor and Loren and Esplin all used it, anyway.

Esplin... probably wouldn’t, actually.  He seems every bit as freaked out by the nightmare-world he makes with Elfangor and Loren as they are, and he’s a slow learner but he does learn.

Estrid’s also a maybe.  I think if she thought it through and did some statistical modeling about just how terrible it could get, she’d refrain.  But if she was talked into it, or did it on impulse... watch out.

Edriss 562 would sell out the entire universe for a single corn chip.  She would be all over that thing if she found it, would be wildly in denial about her compounding fuckups, and would have annihilated all existence for every creature that has ever been conceived in the time it took for Eva to go “maybe we shouldn’t.”

[reblog-house]

Ooohh boy here we go

So this is Stacci, nicknamed "Clover" (which she absolutely hates) by her girlfriend Kima because of her short height and green clothes. She's horrible at coming up with insults, so she just tugs at her own hair in response. She's the captain, and is a bit of a hothead. She's the "Kevin watch the light, dude" vine, except she'd 100% do it on purpose.

This one's Kima. The Cook, 85% of Stacci's impulse control and also First Mate, even though she doesn't really intervene that much. In fact, she calls Stacci "Clover" in order to rile her up, because she knows Stacci wouldn't be able to do anything. She has the power to transform fully or partially into a mosquito, and has found a way to transform her limbs into mosquito mouths. She used to work as an assassin, and is now trying to redeem herself in her eyes.

Ah, Bliss. A Tontatta Doctor and Tailor with the power to heal people/mend things proportionally to the strength he uses to damage them. So a pretty good fucking healer, since, y'know, tontattas are DAMN FUCKING STRONG. The only downside is that Everything he tries to hurt gets strengthened instead, so if he's ever in a position in which he has to fight or break stuff, he's fucked. He'd love to break someone's neck, though. Wants to prove his value. Easily became best friends with Noboru.

Noboru, a tiger mink who ate a devil fruit that lets him transform fully or partially into a harpy eagle. Yes, those things right there are his wings. He's the Gunner and Navigator of the crew. Ever since he ate that devil fruit, he's had the ability to sense the magnetic fields of a near-by island, basically making him a sentient log pose. Despite his appearance, he's a total softie.

Finley from the longarm tribe was primarily a Merchant before joining the crew, after which he also got the title of Chronicler and Quartermaster. Also the closest thing they have to a Scholar. Annoyed 24/7. Gets along the best with Douna, would sell Minimas to Satan for one (1) corn chip. Doesn't know how he got there nor why he's still there but he is.

Douna! She's the Lookout and Helmsman of the crew. She's very driven and observant, and is able to climb anything she sets her mind to. Whenever they need someone to infiltrate some place, she's always the first option given her inconspicuous appearance and ability to listen in without ever being caught. Can relate to Finley, but has learnt how to deal with them (earplugs).

Mirjana is the Beast Tamer of the crew. Not an essential position in any crew, but a good one to have nonetheless. Being a third-eye raises by the Kuja village, her ability of "The Voice of All Things" is pretty evolved, and she uses it to her advantage. Because of that, her goal is to tame even the wildest of creatures and monsters. She's also the Barber of the group, given her love for sculpting her hair into different shapes. The same enjoyment also comes whenever she stylizes another person's hair.

Rako, a catfish fishman with the roles of a Riger and a Striker. He's very easily distracted and lazy, but never backs down from a fight. Grew up in Fishman Island but decided to move some time before he met Stacci.

Minimas, the textbook definition of a bubbly personality. Will Try to Hug You (yes, you, Finley. Don't try to resist). Has the power to make everything she touches (minus herself) lighter. Because of that, she's found that repair-work and construction of large objects is her specialty. She's the Shipwright, but she's never down from an opportunity to help around the crew.

And finally, Jackson. He's got a really odd sense of humor and never knows when it's an appropriate time or not, unless he's serious. When he gets serious, all traces of fun leave and all he's left with is determination and strategic mind, which is the reason why he prefers to work from the sidelines. He Jokes The Pain Away. Originally self conscious of the port-wine stain on his face, but after his epithet was coined after it, his birthmark became a symbol of his strength instead.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

47 Gluten Free Sweet and Savory Recipes for Cooking with Kids

New blog post! If you're like a lot of families right now, you're spending more time together than you have in a while...which means now is the perfect time for cooking with kids and finding kid friendly recipes!

Personally, some of my favorite memories from childhood involve cooking and baking with my parents. When I was young, it was a tradition for Dad and me to bake my cake together, and while we had a few less-than-ideal results, the memories are definitely very sweet. And if you want to start the same tradition in your own house, these 47 kid friendly recipes are the perfect place to start. In particular, this round up includes 18 savory and 29 sweet recipes that kids will enjoy cooking and/or eating with you. Whether you're looking for recipes that are keto, paleo, low carb, low sugar or vegan, there are also plenty of options. So let's dive right in to these cooking with kids recipes!

Gluten Free and Savory Cooking with Kids Recipes

1. Chickpea Squash Fritters (Vegan) - Piping Pot Curry

If you need kid friendly recipes that are also loaded with hidden veggies, these vegan fritters are a tasty place to start.

2. Egg & Potato Breakfast Muffins (Grain Free, Dairy Free, Whole 30) - Raia's Recipes

These are easy to make and even easier to eat on busy mornings.

3. Rainbow Vegetable Tortilla Wrap (Vegan) - Recipes From a Pantry

Your kids will have a blast cutting up the veggies of their choice to make this colorful and easy gluten free wrap.

4. Paleo Chicken Tenders (Low Carb, Keto) - Allergy Free Alaska

These chicken tenders are much healthier than their traditional counterpart but still addictively delicious.

5. Loaded Potato Wedge Nachos (Paleo and Vegan Options) - Casey the College Celiac

If you bake these potato wedges ahead of time, your kids can have a blast covering their wedges with whatever nacho toppings they want!

6. 3-Ingredient Tuna Salad - High Chair Chronicles

Tuna, mayo and a surprising third ingredient combine for a delicious and simple gluten free sandwich filling everyone will love.

7. Creamy Baked Mac And Cheese (Nut Free, Vegan) - Wow Its Veggie

Mac and cheese GOALS...whether you have kids or not!

8. Crustless Pizza (Low Carb, Keto) - Low Carb Yum

No crust, no problem. This ham and cheese combo is just as delicious without it.

9. Cornbread Muffins (Dairy Free) - Hot Pan Kitchen

These gluten free muffins are soft, slightly sweet, moist and very kid friendly!

10. Simple Homemade Salsa - Simply Full of Delight

I know one toddle who eats salsa on its own with a spoon...but even if yours doesn't love salsa quite that much, this is delicious with gluten free chips.

11. Vegan Potato Cakes with Carrot and Rice - Little Sunny Kitchen

Leftover mashed potatoes, rice, carrots, onions, and parsley combine into a "cake" that kids and adults will love.

12. Broccoli Cheese Nuggets - Joy Filled Eats

Because what kid doesn't love nuggets of some sort?!?

13. Socca Flatbread (Grain Free, Vegan) - Emma Eats and Explores

This gluten free flatbread only calls for four simple ingredients, and you can stuff or top them however your family likes!

14. Avocado Deviled Eggs (Keto, Low Carb, Vegetarian) - Tasty Galaxy

Serve these with ham so your kids can enjoy green eggs and ham, no food coloring required.

15. Pizza Eggs (Keto, Low Carb) - Peace, Love and Low Carb

Eggs are transformed into an easy and delicious pizza with some creative toppings and seasoning.

16. Healthy Bell Pepper Nachos - Momables

These are "nacho" your traditional nachos, but they're still super tasty!

17. Oven-Baked Healthy Chicken Nuggets - Goodnesst

Rice flour, corn flakes and an egg combine to give these healthy chicken nuggets an addictive crunch.

18. Sausage Balls with Cream Cheese (Keto) - Wholesome Yum

These keto sausage balls are as easy to make as they are to get addicted to, so consider yourself warned!

Gluten Free Sweet Cooking with Kids Recipes

19. Secretly Healthy Sweet n' Salty Trail Mix (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac

Get your kids involved in the kitchen by having them help you pick out what ingredients to add to their special trail mix.

20. Easy Flourless Peanut Butter and Jelly Thumbprint Cookies - Mash Up Mom

Kids will love how hands-on this four-ingredient recipe really is!

21. Sweet Potato Muffins (Vegan) - Cass Clay Cooking

Gluten free oats, sweet potato and spices combine into a kid-friendly recipe that's especially delicious with nut butter and chocolate.

22. The Fluffiest Waffles (Dairy Free) - Eating on a Dime

These gluten free waffles are crisp on the outside, soft on the inside and one of the best kid cooking recipes you could pick for a lazy Sunday morning.

23. Banana Donuts with Chocolate Coconut Walnuts - Fearless Dining

These gluten free donuts actually have pretty healthy ingredients, but your family won't be able to tell!

24. Maple Walnut Cookies (Paleo, Vegan) - A Sweet Alternative

These cookies are actually super nutrient-dense and the recipe is simple enough for little hands to help.

25. Taste the Rainbow Bliss Balls (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac

Kids will have a blast playing around with the superfoods that give this gluten free snack so many fun colors.

26. Healthy Snickers Ice Cream Bites (Vegan) - Rhian's Recipes

Because who can resist ice cream flavors and getting to play around with melted chocolate?

27. Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies - Ripped Jeans and Bifocals

Because what's a better recipe for cooking with kids than a classic chocolate chip cookie?!?

28. No Bake Chocolate Covered Coconut Balls (Vegan) - The Simple Cooking

No baking needed, easy ingredients and a super tasty result.

29. 3-Ingredient Blueberry Cheesecake Bagel (Egg Free) - Casey the College Celiac

This gluten free bagel recipe only calls for three simple recipes, and your kids can have a blast shaping the bagels before they're baked!

30. Peanut Butter Protein Balls (Vegan Options) - Texanerin 

This gluten free snack recipe is so simple, your kids can make them on their own!

31. Frozen Chocobananos - Bacon is Magic

Your kids will need help melting the chocolate, but after that, they can go wild with their choice of toppings.

32. Easy Coconut Oil Chocolate (Dairy Free, Vegan Option) - Eats Amazing

Watching this healthy chocolate form will feel like magic for young bakers.

33. Chocolate Chip Pancakes - Fab Food 4 All

The gooey chocolate center ensures that your kids will gobble these pancakes right up.

34. Thin Mint Cookies - Well If She Can Do It

If your little one is bummed that Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies aren't gluten free, these are the perfect family baking activity.

35. Mini Apple Pizzas (Vegan) - Veggie Desserts

Kids will have such a fun time decorating their own fruit pizzas.

36. Super Easy Raspberry and White Chocolate Muffins (Dairy Free) - Super Golden Bakes

A dairy free muffin recipe for kids who really want to get busy in the kitchen...

37. Dye-Free Coconut Rainbow Cookies (Vegan) - Casey the College Celiac

These gluten free cookies only call for simple ingredients and are colored naturally with superfood powders and spices. What kid doesn't want to taste the rainbow?

38. Super Fudgy Brownie Cupcakes (Vegan) - My Pure Plants

You measure the ingredients and your little one can pour and mix. As always, just make sure you use gluten free oats.

39. Soft-Baked Almond Flour Chocolate Chip Cookies - Kitchen Treaty

Kids will definitely give these soft gluten free cookies two thumbs up.

40. The Best Healthy Gummies - Marathons and Motivation

You only need three ingredients to whip up these healthy gummies with your kids.

41. Lemon Coconut Energy Balls (Refined Sugar Free, Vegan) - Natalie's Health 

Your kids will love how hands-on this recipe is as they roll their own energy balls.

42. Chocolate Pecan Cookies (Keto) - All Nutritious

These cookies only have 3 net carbs per serving, and are the perfect treat for a family following a low carb diet.

43. Strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups (No Added Sugar) - Served From Scratch

Your kids will have as much fun making these fruit roll-ups as they do eating them.

44. Cookie Dough Pumpkin Pops - My Joy-Filled Life

Because what kid (or adult?) doesn't love a tasty treat they can eat off a stick!

45. Easy Keto Blueberry Muffins (Paleo Option) - Here to Cook

You can make these keto muffins in just one bowl if you need to, and the crumbly texture will win all eaters over.

46. Apple Slice Donuts - Crafts 4 Toddlers

Apple slices get an upgrade from a homemade frosting!

47.  Best Chocolate Fudge Recipe (Vegan) - Happy Kitchen Rocks

This fudge recipe doesn't call for any condensed milk or sugar, and is easy enough to make that your kids can join in.

The Bottom Line of Cooking with Kids and Kid Friendly Recipes

Now that you may be enjoying more time with your family than ever before, I hope that this list of recipes gives you some ideas of how to spend your evenings in...once you figure out which kid-friendly recipe you want to try first, anyway. ;) And if you do end up trying any of these recipes, be sure to tag me in your photos on Instagram (at @collegeceliackc) so I can see and share! What's your go-to recipe when cooking with kids or for kids? I'd love to hear in the comments!

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