#the chart is pretty much just the names and job/quick description i think

[italianpersonwithashippersheart]

Just checked out Red Peafowl's instagram, I think they are going to release characters and/or ships videos until the 25.

I need some official translation so much.

It's so frustrating that their marketing is one working for me, and two working for me without me having an official translation.

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[dalamjisung]

listen to me ✿ park jinyoung

word count: 2759

genre: angsty fluff

pairing: reader x park jinyoung

description: when hearing becomes an issue, and you work as a producer, what will happen?

You met him the most cliche way possible– giving him tips on how to open his mouth wider. And no; not like that. You had just been put in charge of Got7’s new album and if you managed this right, you would reach a whole new level in your career, so when Jinyoung shows up late for recording, and still manages to get the song wrong, you can already picture your promotion going down the drain. In the end, you stay back with him so that you can give him some tips on how to properly sing the tricky part of his lines– it works, and you, once again, have hope. 

He asks you out on the same day the final album is released– good timing is everything, he says with the smile of a person who has the worse timing in the world. Everything is wrong; he’s playing a song you hate, in front of the members you kind of know, kind of watch from afar, and his manager is gasping in the corner, already thinking of the mess this will create– but you still say yes. What follows is a series of dates and sneaky kisses and is only two months of that nonsense until you two are officially and publicly  dating. As you get to know them better, the hyung line starts to adore you, and the maknae line calls you noona, making you feel as if you were a part of Got7 too. 

It’s now been a year, and you are all family. Jaebeom relies on you to share his more recent songs, and BamBam and Yugyeom cry on your arms when it gets too hard. Youngjae often looks for your opinion on his vocals and Jackson and Mark sends you daily memes to coach a morning smile out of you. And Jinyoung… well, Jinyoung is the love of your life, and you are his. And maybe that’s why he notices the quick pained faces or the light touches to your right ear. He sees you flinch out of nowhere and tilt your head to the right, shoulders tensing up and relaxing right after; and he specially notices how, suddenly, you’ll frown when a song was too loud, or too low. You start asking people to repeat things, missing details on songs, and even missing work. 

Something is up and you aren’t talking, so Jinyoung does what Jinyoung does best– interrupts you in the worst time possible. You are just leaving the practice room with BamBam and Yugyeom when he grabs you by the shoulder, dramatically looking into your eyes.

“Jagiya,” He calls, voice a little too emotional, face a little too serious; you know you won’t like this right away. “What’s going on?”

“Uh,” You frown, not really understanding the question. “I was just helping BamBam and Yugyeom with the choreography for–“

“No, not that,” Jinyoung sighs. “What are you hiding?”

“Excuse me?” You gasp, surprised he’d ask you that question in front of his members. “Ya, Park Jinyoung, I don’t know what you are insinuating but–“

This time you interrupt yourself, flinching at the sudden ringing in your ear.

“That!” Jinyoung screams, making you take a step back. “It’s been weeks of that and you haven’t talked to me and I’m worried!”

“Hyung,” BamBam says, voice lower and eyes wide in panic. “Stop screaming! There’s something wrong with her ear.”

Jinyoung apologizes quickly and grabs your hand, pulling you in for a hug. You moan and groan in pain and, differently then the last times, the ringing doesn’t stop, it gets stronger. 

“Jinyoung,” You call and even your own voice sounds distant. “Babe, I need you to calm down and listen to me. Are you calm?”

He nods, sweat trickling down his face, and you think you’d never loved him more than at that moment, watching him push his panic down to help you the best way he can.

“I need you to take me to the hospital,” You say– or whisper, you are not sure anymore, voice sounding more in your head than out. “This is not good. It’s not stopping.”

“Yugyeom,” You turn to the maknae, watching him nervously shift from side to side. “Call Jaebeom and explain why Jinyoung is not going to make it to vocal training.”

You look at your boyfriend again and his face is set with determination. He is Jinyoung again; not your Jinyoung, but stage Jinyoung– calm, collected, and secure of himself. You can practically hear him panicking inside his mind, but on the outside, he’s got it together. And you really needed someone to be calm, because your own panic is starting to grow and it’s visible. 

“Babe,” Jinyoung holds you as you two walk out of the building in a hurry; you are breathing too fast for someone who was so calm a few minutes ago. “It’s going to be fine. You are going to be fine.”

“No,” You cry out, allowing the panicked tears to fall. “No, no no no I’m not going to be fine! My ear is acting up and my hearing is my job!”

“Y/N, you are going to be okay!” He insisted, going way faster than he should in the small street. “I’ll make sure of that.”

The line in the hospital was long and you two waited diligently, his hand on yours, rubbing comforting circles in your palm. As you two wait, your panic grows, and other emotions start to rise. You feel angry, for not bothering with the ear pains that arose months ago. You felt sadness, for the possibility of something like this making you lose not only your job, but your passion. You also felt gratitude, for your boyfriend who is doing his goddamn best to help you and be the safe haven you need. You felt guilt, despair, exhaustion. You felt everything. 

“Ms. Y/L/N,” A nurse calls after an hour of waiting. “The doctor is ready for you.”

“About damn time,” Jinyoung grumbles and you elbow him, knowing how scary he can get when crossed. 

You walk through white halls, just to be left inside a white room. The lights seemed to be shinning too bright, and the space seemed to be getting smaller, and you feel as if you are about to lose your mind, and it’s at that exact moment that a screaming Youngjae walks through the door. 

“Y/N,” He shouts, running to you and embracing you. You chuckle and cry at the same time, hugging him back. BamBam and Yugyeom come in next, telling their hyung to lower his voice. “We got so worried about you. As soon as BamBam and Yugyeom told Jaebeom hyung, we all came running!”

“Where is Jackson?” Jinyoung asks, bitting his thumb nail, a nervous habit of his. You smile softly at him, understanding why he wanted his best friend present– there was only so much he could handle before he also needed some support. 

“Outside,” Yugyeom sighs. “He was crying too much so JB hyung and Mark hyung stabbed back to calm him down before comin–“

“Y/A!”

The scream was so loud that you even think your hearing is back. Jackson’s face is puffed and red, and you can’t help but laugh through your own tears. You looked around, just as the final two members show up, and you smile. This was your family, and you loved them to death– even though, contrary to Jackson’s apparent belief, you’re not dying. Jaebeom and Mark are next to Yugyeom and BamBam, comforting them as they all look at you, offering encouraging thumbs ups. Youngjae is quietly sitting on your bed, texting updates to their manager, and Jinyoung is too busy comforting Jackson and explaining the situation to notice you staring. 

“Jackson,” You call softly, kneeling down in front of him and holding his hands. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine, okay? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, it’s just some ear infection or something.”

“How do you know?” He asks, rubbing his eyes and you coo at his innocent face. 

“You know me,” You tease, winking playfully. “I’m a stubborn bitch.”

They all laugh and you are glad you can still hear those. People always see Jackson as a happy person, someone with a light smile and jokes galore, and that is partially true– he is a very happy person, but only when he is happy. That is the true mistake of many; Jackson isn’t immune to sadness or exhaustion or anger. He is just a young man that feels things intensely, and you were overwhelmed with love for your friend to know he loved you that much. 

“Jacky,” You hug him. “I’ll be fine. I have you guys, after all.”

“Always, noona,” Yugyeom smiles and hugs you too. It soon turns into a group hug and that is what the doctor walks into. 

“Excuse me,” She smiles. “My name is Doctor Jung and I’ll be examining you today. Now which one of you is Ms. Y/L/N?” 

Her joke gets to the boys and they clear the way for her.

“So what seems to be the problem today?” She asks looking over your chart. 

“Her ear, Doctor,” Jinyoung quickly answers and you pointedly look at him. “Right ear.”

“For how long?”

“… the bothersome noise or the pain?” You ask quietly, aware of the effect of your words over the boys. 

“Both,” Dr. Jung says and looks at you.

You can feel the stares.

“The bothersome noise has been happening for about a month,” You sigh and shut your eyes tight, ignoring the gasps and the angry shouts. “The pain has been growing for a week.”

Everyone is questioning you as the Doctor tries to get her facts and examine your ear, except Jinyoung. You get anxious, knowing that he was only waiting for the Doctor to leave to explode. And that’s exactly what happened.

“What the actual fuck, Y/N?” Jinyoung seethes as soon as the door closes. “What. The. Fuck?!”

“Jinyoung, I’m so–“

“No,” He shouts, eyes squinted and sad. “Why didn’t you talk to me? I was right there, sleeping next to you for a whole fucking month and you couldn’t tell me you were in pain?! Do you not trust me or something?”

“That’s not it!” You shout back, desperate to explain yourself. “I just couldn’t! And it’s not about trusting you, before you say something as absurd as that again. I just thought it wasn’t that serious…”

He looks at you in disbelief. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” You cry out. “I feel dumb as it is! It started getting worse but I was so busy that I didn’t really care and–“

You are interrupted once Jinyoung walks out of the room. Sighing, you rub your face tiredly– you already felt dumb for not really thinking it was anything, now you just feel bad for talking to your boyfriend before; it just didn’t go through your head, in between comebacks and albums and beats and songwriting– it didn’t feel important enough. Jinyoung was busy, too, and you didn’t want him worried about nothing… except this wasn’t nothing.

“He hates me,” You whine. “I fucked up.”

“Nah,” Jackson says. “He’s probably angry at himself, to be honest. Thinking that he did something or said something that made you think you couldn’t talk to him…”

“Are you serious?” You ask, shocked. Jackson knows Jinyoung on the back of his hand, and you trusted him. “I need to go talk to him! I need to find him, oh my god, I need to find him.”

Dr. Jung chooses this moment to walk in, followed by another doctor. 

“Miss Y/L/N,” She starts carefully. “This is Dr. Han, and he’s here only so that I can get a second opinion.”

A second opinion? Was it that bad? You cover your mouth with your hand, as if that would stop the waterworks from starting up again, but you were crying before you could even think about it. 

“Is everything wrong?” Jaebeom asks, taking the lead as usual. “Besides the obvious, I mean.”

“We are not sure yet,” Dr. Han says, looking through the otoscope into your ear.

“Can you tell us anything, Doctor?” Jaebeom asks, holding your hands and shifting his gaze nervously to the door. Me too, JB, you think. I want him here too.

“Not yet,” And they leave again.

You are stoic when Jinyoung comes back, looking calmer. He looks around and notices the extreme tension in the room, watching you stare mindlessly at the wall while the boys whisper to each other. He approaches his younger members just to hear something about how serious this could be. Regret washes over him like a tidal wave; he left thinking that it would be best to take a breather before making you more nervous and anxious with a stupid fight, but he seems to have missed something important. 

“Y/N,” He calls, but you don’t move. “Babe.”

You blink fast, snapping out of your trance, and looking at him with a small smile. 

“No information yet,” You mumble, voice low while trying to hold back the tears. Jinyoung also notices how your shoulders are tense, and how you flinch every now and then; and yet, you still had a smile on your face.

“Guys, can you wait outside?” He asks opening the door and pushing everyone out. Once is just you two, you start breathing deeply, loud enough for him to be alarmed. “Babe, you’re going to be okay. Do you hear me?”

“Is that supposed to be funny?” You screech, burying your face in his neck as he holds you tight. “I’m sorry, Jinyoung. I should’ve talked to you; I should’ve said something!”

“You should’ve,” He sighs kissing your temple. “But it’s okay that you didn’t. You thought it wasn’t anything serious, and it isn’t. You will be fine, Y/N, for better or worse. We got you. I got you.”

You nod, sobbing hysterically in his chest. “I’m terrified.”

The boys walk in as Dr. Jung does, all rushing towards you. 

“Bad news,” She says with a tight lipped smile. “Is that you have a really bad ear infection. I called Dr. Han is because he is able to discern which infection so we can properly medicate you with the right antibiotics. The inside of your ears are really irritated, but the right one, specifically, seems to show signs of possible risk to your ear drums.”

Jinyoung holds you tighter.

“But fortunately, we saw none.”

You felt as if you could breath again. The whole room lit up, the boys laughing in relief and hugging each other. 

“Your eardrum looks perfect,” She smiles. “But we do recommend you stay away from anything that further infect your ear… such as earphones.”

You gasp. “But then I can’t work!”

“You need a couple of days off, anyways,” Mark shrugs. “Nothing’s wrong with that.”

Dr. Jung laughs and passes you a box of pills. “These antibiotics are strong, so please take them after every meal, three times a day. You might feel a little nauseous, and in that case, you can take–“

Her voice fades away; you are not listening anymore, and not because you can’t, but because you are so incredibly overwhelmed with happiness that all other sense shut down. You look at Jinyoung and you observe his focused face as he carefully listens to everything your doctor says. 

You leave the hospital in a wheelchair, by Jackson’s wishes, and you can hear everyone laughing, even if a little muffled. And goddammit, you are glad. You are glad to hear Jinyoung shouting at Jackson for not being careful as he hits the curb and you are thrown out of the chair. You are glad to hear Youngjae’s screams are he sees you tumbling to the ground, and you are glad to hear Yugyeom whine at BamBam’s joke about you having to go back to the hospital. But you are particularly glad, at that moment, to hear Jaebeom and Mark screaming at everyone to get in the car, because it’s time to go home. 

You sit next to Jinyoung, holding onto him at all times, and you feel his breath on your ear as he whispers.

“Hey,” His voice is honey and you love it. You turn to face him, eyes on his. “Listen to me.”

And the moment is gone and you swear you could choke him right there and then. 

“I love you.”

--------------------------------

and this fic completes all got7′s members! what do you think? let me know :P your comments and feedbacks mean the world! love you all and thank you for the constant support <3

[youareiron-andyouarestrong]

Please could you write some Rebelcaptain + jewelry?

At first, Jyn thinks it’s some kind of bolt. 

Maybe a washer. Or a lug nut? Cassian’s always pocketing some little artifact or spare parts around their quarters; a just in case sort of thing. She’s not about to admit she finds it cute or anything like that, but as a habit it’s grown on her. Since she’s allowed to be the only one who can rifle through Cassian’s things at will. She can count on Cassian to have just about anything stored away in one of the nooks or crannies that pocket the Rebellion, or their quarters. 

But upon closer inspection, Jyn realizes the object she’s holding can’t be some kind of part; it’s both somehow too flat and too rounded. It’s made out of a dark gray gunmetal looking material, it sits in the palm of her hand with a pleasant weight and heft. It also has little glittery streaks in the curvature of the band, the chances of it being some kind of mechanical part is unlikely. 

She’s still staring at it in confusion when Cassian comes into the room behind her, already riffling around for extra datapads or whatnots, when he says casually, “I’m going to send Kay to the quartermaster’s, you need any--”

His voice dies away when Jyn turns to face him, her hand outstretched. “What’s this?” 

Cassian looks at the object in her hand, and then at her face, his own expression immediately wiped clean of any expression. “You--you don’t know?”

“I’m asking you,” Jyn says, still holding out her hand like some kind of damn stuffed dummy. 

Cassian blinks once and Jyn sees a flick of his tongue dart out; one of his sure tells. Other than that, absolutely nothing shows on his face but careful neutrality. “It’s--it’s a band. A marriage band. It’s for when two people--”

“I know what a marriage band is for,” Jyn says, now making the shift from puzzled to slow growing irritation. “It’s mostly a Core world thing. Why do you have one?”

She’s not--she’s not jealous, or anything equally immature or stupid, but the thought of Cassian having a marriage band for someone else--she wants to go out and bash some heads, leave some kind of destruction in her wake. Even if it’s just for a job, or a cover, he isn’t allowed to belong to anyone but her. 

Cassian’s careful blank spy face is now becoming his genuinely baffled face, a favorite expression of hers. “Why do I--Jyn, why do you--”

Jyn is still not getting it, when she looks down at the ring in her hand and then it falls on her like a ton of space junk--

“Oh.” She sounds utterly stupid. “Why would--”

“It’s--” Cassian’s ears are turning red, a sure sign of imminent mortification. “It’s a custom on Fest, for bonded or married couples to wear band, I still have my father’s, but that one I had made for you--”

Jyn is gaping. She knows she’s gaping like an absolute fool, but she can’t seem to stop. “You had it made for me?”

“Well,” Cassian splutters, “who else would I make it for? How do you not know a marriage band when you see one, didn’t your parents--”

“They didn’t have them,” Jyn says, too overwhelmed to say anything else, “At least, I’m pretty sure they didn’t, but I don’t remember. I think they had sashes or something instead.”

It feels utterly ridiculous, to be standing here, reminiscing on how her parents displayed their marriage, when she’s holding how apparently, Cassian’s people displayed theirs. The ring is growing warm in her hand, and she finds herself curling a fist around it like someone might take it from her. 

They’re now staring at each other, the air between them as thick as durasteel, when Cassian speaks again, very slow and careful, “I had that one made for you, a few months ago. You were on point with the shock troopers. I was planning to offer it to you after the war, but--”

He doesn’t need to finish the sentence. Who knows would be the best possible description. “Do you--is it okay?” he asks, sudden anxiety showing. “I can have another one made if you don’t like it--”

Jyn clutches her fist to her chest, suddenly and purely ready to fight for this little thing. “No!”

“No, you don’t like it?” 

“No, I--” Jyn takes a deep breath, forcing herself to speak clearly. “I like it.” I want it. “I just--I didn’t know what it was for.”

She can see some of Cassian’s anxiety fading from his face, and hope as sharp her knives. “Can I--can I see it? It might not fit, I’ll have to get it fixed--”

“Please,” Jyn mutters, finally opening her hand to reveal the ring again. As if he doesn’t know the exact length and circumference of every one of her fingers. 

The band sits there still, gleaming dark and promising against her calloused palm and the dark leather of her half glove. Still feeling like she’s having an out of body experience of some kind, she offers it to Cassian, who accepts it as delicately and carefully as if it’s glass, or a bomb. He takes her left hand, removes her fingerless glove and tucks it casually in his free hand, and slides the ring on the fourth finger. It sits there, tucked smooth and perfect at the base, what she realizes are tiny gold and silver and even green flecks. Stardust, she thinks, stardust in my band and thinks if she cries right now, Cassian is never going to recover. Hell, she won’t recover.  

“A perfect fit,” Cassian murmurs. “That’s good. Saves me the trouble of having it resized.”

He sounds utterly casual, like they’re discussing star charts or the mess’s dinner menu, but she looks into his face and what she sees there makes every breath of air desert her lungs. Before she can do something utterly disgraceful, like cry or throw her arms around him and climb him like a tree, she asks, “What about yours? You said--you said you had your father’s.” If she gets to wear a band declaring who she belongs to, than so does he. Jyn’s all for equal opportunity claiming here.   

He blinks, and then reluctantly releases her hand to go to one of his hiding spots (a new one, Jyn is quick to note, for future reference), and comes back with a ring that is an exact copy to the one on her hand currently, only clearly meant for someone’s much bigger hand and wider fingers. She can feel a blush coming up in her cheeks like a signal flare, but she reaches for it and he lets her take it, and take his hand in hers too. He offers her his left hand and she carefully put that ring on him, just like he did hers, on his fourth finger. It fits him perfectly too. 

“Why that finger?” she whispers, staring at it, overwhelmed. 

“On Fest, it was said humans are supposed to have a vein that goes all the way to their heart beginning on that finger,” Cassian says. He’s gripping her hand now and seems in no hurry to let it go. “I’m sure the other worlds have different reasons.”

Jyn nods, not really aware she’s doing so, staring transfixed at the ring. “You know--” she looks up at him, their rings warming on their hands, “It’s not official until we sign a paper. With witnesses or something.”

Cassian nods; probably he knew this already. “Do you want it to be? Official, I mean.”

Jyn thinks about it. Everyone she’s ever loved has left her. Her parents, Saw, the Partisans. But not her people. Not Cassian. She thinks about her life with him, and the one she had without him, and realizes she would gladly burn down the galaxy, smash the Emperor’s throne to pieces with her bare hands, before she ever willingly conceded to living without him. 

Cassian is still holding her hand. Ever patient, ever steady. My strong right arm, Galen Erso had once said to Lyra, when her parents thought she was in bed and could not hear. 

“Yeah,” she says, returning the grip on his hand. “Let’s make it official. I don’t know how legal it can be, though, since we’re both technically criminals--”

Whatever dubious legality she wants to explore has to wait for a later time. Cassian is currently kissing whatever’s left of her brains out. 

*

In the end, it’s made official in a remote little office off Command Center. Bodhi is there, Baze and Chirrut, and Kay. Mon Mothma is there too, incredibly and so is Draven. Leia Organa performs the ceremony since, as she points out, she’s still legally a princess and no one can contest her word. 

They wear their usual clothes, only Cassian has on his best jacket, and Jyn wears a neater shirt. They use Alderaanian vows, because neither of them can remember what words they used on their respective home planets. They swear to love the other, to stand by them, to defend them, to give them the first bite of food and the last sip of the cup. They pledge their hearts and their bodies to each other, the names they will cry out in the night. They vow to stay by the other’s side, until darkness falls and the breaking of the worlds. It’s exactly the kind of overblown sentimentality that makes Bodhi cry and Baze sniff suspiciously, as Kay mutters about the unlikeliness of all these promises. 

They have to exchange the rings again as part of the ceremony, to make it official, and more important than that, they sign a legal document, declaring in the eyes of the soon-to-be Galactic Republic and Planetary Alliance, Cassian Andor and Jyn Erso are each other’s. No one else’s. Not the Empire, not the Rebellion. 

This is enough, Jyn thinks. This is enough for me.   

[kiss-my-freckle]

The Apothecary

8x5 episode description: “The task force investigates an organization of bank robbers with a special expertise in stealing from other criminals. An old blacklist case resurfaces.”

My suspect: The Apothecary 

Reasons why:

1. Red’s collapses. 

The timing is perfect because it’s like a reverse of The Apothecary’s episode. Instead of suspecting Dembe of poisoning him, Red’s first collapse came at a time when Dembe’s imam was abducted. Red has no reason to suspect him, which removes their need to do an exact repeat. 

Snakes -

The woman’s snakeskin boots as she entered the room. 

"The lab did find one distinct element in the molecular structure of the drops taken from Robert Dahle’s apartment. A peptide unique to the venom of Bungarus flaviceps, also known as the red-headed krait."

Jennifer's reference in S6 that reminds me of Liz's reference in S4 and ties in Red's reference in S2.

"I'm the snake in the grass."

"I’ll do my job, but I am done cozying up to that snake."

"Our fake father's a criminal, and our real one's a snake."

Orion Relocation Services + Fate - 

There are other seeds, like Dembe standing by the Orion stained glass window. 

The Hunter and his arrows. This made me think of The Deer Hunter and Liz's marionette comment, which she first mentioned to Ressler in The Longevity Initiative (2x17).

This also pulls in Keenler’s Capricorn Killer soundtrack.

♪ What arrow? At what angle? And what angel? ♪

And I already know Agnes is that angel because she was referenced twice, by the woman from Paris and Skip Sutherland.

“She’s an angel.”

“For a surcharge, I’ll even watch the cherub.”

Red’s Stairway To Heaven comment. "Who the hell's Elizabeth Keen?" because Liz was wrong. "I'm expecting a little devil of my own." As Red already warned us she would be. "What makes you so sure you're not wrong this time?"

My question is, what the hell happened? You did. You and Agent Ressler.

All that glitters is gold + Like I said, silver linings

Red’s symptoms, which mirror that of his original poisoning, only it’s more like an ongoing attack rather than a one-shot. I think they’re getting the formula wrong because The Apothecary didn’t have Red’s medical file. Kate only needed so much from him anyway because of her skill set. 

“Well, just that whoever poisoned him knew his medical history - intimately. The toxins were uniquely designed to target his body chemistry.”

She attended medical school and she knew of Red’s medical history.

"Your tremors are gone. But not the underlying condition."

His tremors were gone because he wasn't drinking the wine.

"Fun fact - Li Qing Yuen ate wolfberries every day of his life and was said to have lived to the ripe old age of 256."

The tests -

“We thought, at first, you may have had a series of mini strokes. But the MRIs, the EEGs, they ruled that out.”

“Vitals are - okay. Pulse. You need an MRI as well as a CT-scan.”

The medical file -

“There were no medical records, nothing about Reddington on file.”

“About my chart.”

The wine (with both his collapses) - 

“An old blacklist case” for an “old friend”

“Elizabeth, I found the wine that was used to administer the poison.”

“What? Everyone knows wine is dehydrating.”

The difference in doctors -

Dr. Clemons: "Not for her."

Dr. Stark: "Someone she cared about."

For the same reason the woman from Paris didn't turn to Norman Devane for herself, Red didn't turn to Spalding Stark for himself. He's trying to donate to someone he's related to, someone he actually cares about. That's why Red isn't collapsing, having tremors, or showing signs of vision and/or hearing impairment when he visits Dr. Stark, only when he visits Dr. Clemons. He's seeing two doctors for two different reasons. That’s why Dr. Stark purposefully stated that he doesn’t test on children. He’d experiment on Red because technically, he’s considered terminally ill. He has a running hit on his head. Dr. Stark would provide Red with hope of saving his future - Agnes, his granddaughter. Agnes runs opposite Ames in The Pharmacist. That’s why Red is financing Stark.

“My - My daughter’s pregnant. I want to see my grandchild. I can get you the money.”

Just as he financed Dr. Shaw to save Liz. 

2. Elodie killing her husband. 

Taking note how Aram's dialogue to Elodie's dead husband mirrors Red's comment to Tom in 5x8.

"I, uh - I know this is super awkward. But I think this might be in your best interest."

"I’ll say this for you - you’ve always believed that you were acting in her best interest."

As well as Red’s comment to Kate.

"And yet, I know you believe what you did was best for Elizabeth, which is why I brought you here."

Aram's comment... lol

"Quick stick. Oh, God. Oh."

This ties in Liz's second memory wipe. “You were drugged. Propofol, Tramadol.”  imo, the reason they've been mentioning Tom so much lately. 

Add in Elodie's comment -

"Who comes up with all the nicknames? General Shiro. The Pharmacist. The Apothecary.”

And Aram’s -

“You used me. You got me to open up to you. That’s why you kept asking about Blacklisters. To seduce me into giving you a murder weapon.”

3. “stealing from other criminals” like Red’s statement to Marvin.  

"I shouldn’t be surprised. We’re criminals, after all. It’s in our nature to betray."

Judas hits back to The Pharmacist (Dr. Stark). 

“I’ve always found stories of betrayal to be so compelling, so tragic for all those involved. Judas, Iago, men who were beloved by those they’d betrayed.” 

♪ There is a judas among us Nobody here we can trust There is a judas among us ♪ 

4. Marvin and Becky.

This is a man who already lost a son to suicide.

"They tracked him down, of course. Returned the child to his mother. Marvin was disbarred, convicted, and incarcerated. A year later, Timothy hung himself. He was 15."

Went to prison for three years because of his work with Red.

"He forced the FBI to release you from prison a week before your parole so that you could become his accomplice and help him escape during a police standoff. You had a new fiancé at the time, a whole life waiting. What do you have now, Marvin? Alone, on the run til you die?"

While incarcerated, lost his chance to have children with Becky.

"Becky hit menopause while I was in that bird cage. We wanted kids, but if you must know, I had performance anxiety during our conjugal visits."

The bird references are everywhere. Atticus at the mental hospital. Red wanting to hear the birds sing in Isabella Stone's episode. Agnes and her cuckoo clock. Mato and his cuckoo clock. Red wanting to hear the bird sing in Miss Rebecca Thrall's episode. 

"Because I am working in a toy store!"

Then Marvin went to work in the toy section, which likely upset him more, but it's as close to kids as he'll get. It’s also likely he did time with The Apothecary (Asa Hightower) because they took the death penalty off the table in exchange for curing Reddington. 

"I’m here because I need information about the prison where you served. Wallens Ridge, something’s happening inside those walls, and I need to..."

"You take the death penalty off the table, and I’ll tell you how to cure Raymond Reddington."

The father Asa became, the father Marvin wishes he could be. Asa raping his wife pushes to Hannah Hayes' episode.

5. My predictions for Ressler.

I already did a full-length post on my predictions for Ressler. Not sure where it is and I don't feel like looking for it, so I’ll keep it basic. Ressler went with Red to Dr. Stark’s lab FOR A REASON. Red’s two-for-one sale will become his two-for-one investment. “This is gonna be a gas.” Damn right, it is. Ressler’s gonna look at Red’s medical file in the hopes of helping Liz, only to find out Red is Katarina Rostova aka N-13. Then Red is gonna threaten Ressler with fire just as he did Minister D because it’s all about those blackmail dialogues - found in Minister D and The Informant, as well as the one Garvey handed to us with the bones. Add in Dom’s warning to Liz in 8x2 because knowing is enough. 

“I don’t bite. Unless you ever utter my name. In which case, I’ll gut you like a fish and feed you to the lobsters.”

While Red is threatening him, Ressler’s gonna talk his way onto Dr. Stark’s table like Norman Devane was, only it’ll be for a DNA test to see if he's the father of Agnes. “Because I honestly don’t want her to worry. Whether she does or not is ENTIRELY up to you.” This will be what saves his pretty face from fire, and follow through with Tom’s 4x8 iou. Because Agnes is a Ressler, not a Keen. imo, Ressler’s gonna save two people - Red and Agnes. Red’s two-for-one investment simply by bringing Ressler to Stark’s lab. Because Red knows Agnes is in need of a donation, but he has no idea he’s being poisoned. Ressler’s gonna realize Red is being poisoned, while Red is gonna realize Ressler is the father of Agnes. The not-so- cliché future in-laws. 

The Apothecary hits in so many directions.

[its-a-writer-thing]

Character Guide – What Your Character Experiences While Leaving the Military

As I blundered through yet another wave of revisions for my sci-fi/fantasy WIP, I had an epiphany which, reasonably, should’ve come when the project first began. But didn’t, as all glaring plot holes don’t.

Here I have a soldier-esque character, whose background and experience affects huge swashes of the plot. I’ve nailed down what happens while they’re with the military; I’ve nailed down what happens several years after they’re out. But what about that transitional phase? What did they do there? What would they feel? For that matter, rent exists even in a rundown sci-fi/fantasy – am I looking forward to a played-for-laughs convenience store job, or could my character arguably rocket into a steady position somewhere they like?

Good question.

The answer to those question(s) – and yours, if you’re asking them – took some research, and finally resulted in reading “Leaving the Military: Life After Resettlement; How to Get a Job That Doesn’t Suck,” by Chris Hitchens. What makes it a great resource? Unlike many an article I read and books I checked out at the library, it doesn’t just dive into “hut hut hut get a job here we go!” It takes time to evaluate what may motivate servicemen and women to leave the military, what they might experience in response from their peers, and what an emotional experience it really can be.

In this article, I’ll walk you through the main questions and considerations this book brought to my attention and then answered… so you can write better military characters, figure out that transitional phase and weave it into the plot, or hey – learn what your or a loved one’s options are for exiting the military!

Let’s dive in.

The Five Stages of Grief Apply

My MC doesn’t care much for her military-esque group, especially not at the end of their service. So I always assumed she’d bounce back pretty quickly, and move on to the next stage. However, it’s important to consider that – whether or not you liked something, if it took a huge place in your life, you will feel its absence. Either your character LOVED the military and misses the camaraderie, the structure, the sense of doing good, or any number of things… or they hated the military, but they miss the routine, the sense of direction (even if they disagreed with the direction), or the security of that career. You can’t spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at something and not feel a gap when it’s vanished.

So your character will sense that pit, a pit which is grief in some small or great capacity. Do they fill it up with something, like a distraction? How fast do they go through the stages? Do they skip some stages? Do they go back to the career for a time, draw out the ‘quitting’ process, or do they cut it entirely? No matter what they feel – they will feel something. Nail down what that is!

Civilian Jobs ARE Different From Military Jobs

This is what I’ve heard from most ex-military I’ve spoken to, and this book emphasized it again – officially making it earn a place in my ‘transitional notes for MC’ category. Civvies don’t act like the military, and neither do their jobs. Not only is there less of a strict hierarchy and a lot more (what will be perceived by your character as) disorder, but their values will be different. The military is very goal-oriented, with a task at hand that needs completion. However, a civilian company may be sales- and profit-oriented, motivating them to cut corners or bend quality to achieve that.

No matter what job your character takes up, there will be differences in the company culture as well as the general structure of their new job. The important thing is to identify what your character could and couldn’t tolerate. How does your character feel about this? Do they do something to improve or worsen this? Would it cause them to adapt, or rebel? How important is the job to them? Are they invested in this new team?

Military Skills Do Translate, But Not (Always) Directly

Your character may not create an organizational chart of their strengths and weaknesses, but I recommend that you do. What did they enjoy about their previous career, and what did they hate? What were they good and bad at? This is what narrows military talents into civvy talents like ‘team building’ or ‘unsupervised discipline.’ If your character was a fantastic pilot, then maybe a civilian flying career would be a great choice; or maybe all that skill at multitasking will make them incredible at running a tech company.

This sort of thing can also serve as an excellent way to disguise your characters’ past. Who would suspect an accountant of being an ace tank mechanic? Well, their photographic memory always came in handy.

It’s important to remember your character has real talents – but they haven’t been labeled in the way civilians categorize talents. Marksmanship doesn’t look as typical on a resume as an English degree, but can still be useful. They could be an instructor, could be excellent at sports, could work with the parks department – any number of choices.  

The Lingo is Different

Even if your character finds their way into a secure civilian job, there will still be differences to overcome, mainly in the language. The Army, Air Force, Navy – you name it – operate through a series of shorthand and code words, some not as fancy as you’d imagine, while others downright unintelligible. As Hitchens outlined, even ordering a drink can result in a language barrier, since “Tea, Standard NATO” doesn’t mean “Tea, white, two sugars” to most people.

That doesn’t mean your character runs around shouting “ALPHA DELTA NINER” like a loon, but think of it like this; how often do you translate “Big Mood” to “I feel the same way” when around your grandma? The military has their own ‘meme speak.’ Keep that in mind, and you’re on the right path.

Your character will feel ostracized in the little ways and forced to adjust, which may further their feelings of grief (however intense those may be). Do they adjust quickly? Do they make a conscious effort or let it happen naturally? What do they feel after several months of immersion when they run into a fellow ex-military who knows the lingo? What happens if they’re trying to disguise their past, but keep sliding distinct terms into their speech by accident? Does it hurt their productivity at their job or social life at all?

A Quick and Successful Leap Requires Preparation

Most of us sail out of high school and into the job market, where we flail for a period of time. But that’s expected, because we’re new, right? If your character is fresh from the military, they’re likely past that newbie age group, but are still faced with the same problems. Very little (if any) civilian job experience, an outdated (or nonexistent) CV, and rusty skills (at best) for job interviews. Now, this can be the set-up for a played-for-laughs job at the local grocery store, should you character be the kind who takes things slowly or instinctually.

However, if you want to skip your character to the higher end of the career spectrum – or if they themselves wouldn’t be content with taking it slow – then it’s important to be aware of one thing: making that happen takes preparation. More than probably anyone else leverages to get a job. They’re behind the eight-ball and need to make it up fast. So, this means using some of that military know-how and putting it to good work.

What is the opposition? How to best take it down? Does this mean highlighter pens and a list of keywords from the job description to tailor your CV? Does this mean rehearsing job interview questions? Does this mean thoroughly researching positions online (or cornering other employees under the guise of a drink, should your character be the cunning and over dedicated type)? Keep in mind that, during this transition period, either they will take it slow and adjust gingerly, as most do when they first enter the job market. …Or, if they wouldn’t be content with minimum wage, they will need to actively raise themselves above this – abnormally fast.

All in All

Leaving the military and taking up a civilian life isn’t as simple as ‘sign your name here, you’re a civilian, good luck’ and then immediately diving into a regular life. The transitional phase exists either in a large and dramatic way, or a smaller but still influential manner. Allowing your character to experience this can help round out their personality and create ties from their past to their present in subtle, crafty ways. Even more-so, keeping this in mind can allow you to portray a character of their nature and situation more realistically, so they resonate as human beings.

I touched the high points, but be sure to read the official “Leaving the Military” by Chris Hitchens for a more thorough look. Support a fellow self-published author and give a read! It’s an introduction to the namesake experience, and one of an ongoing series. I’d recommend it as a great resource for a military character – or hey, for an actual member of the armed forces, if you know someone who’s bringing their career to a close. It’s short, funny, and contains actionable tips

Happy writing!

[chiwoopsie]

That tag where I answer 10 questions and ask 10 more :)

tagged by the great @s-lay-ing (I couldn’t not answer your questions hehe thank you thank you!)

i wanna get to know some new peeps so i’ll tag​ @scoupsadaisy @yayayaimma @bbaksu @sebongteen-trash (only if you want to ofc!)

My 10 Questions For You

top 3 songs you would recommend to a non-kpopper

What is your 2019 resolution, if you have any?

Last thing you ate?

Song/MV that got you into the kpop

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and with who?

Favorite thing to do when you have a day off

What would you give your bias(es) for Christmas?

You won the lottery! Who would be the first person you tell?

Sweet or savory?

If you saw your favorite group on the street, what would you do?

1. Is there something you would change about t*mblr?

WHAT A WELL TIMED QUESTION but i’m going with my pre-community guidelines answer to make this short >> i’m agreeing with cloud about letting sideblogs send asks bc why isn’t that a thing?? and just the whole mobile app in general lol..like why can’t i see my tags in some of my posts and why can i never post things without running into an error message on there :// OH YEAH and can it not delete my links when i edit my description on mobile? thanks 

2. Your parents/siblings/very close friends get offered a tour around europe with no cost for a month or so and they ask you to come w/ them. Considering your current status, what would you do? 

Well I’m graduating uni in a couple months so if we could go then, I would be very down! But I would also probably feel the anxiety of needing a job and financial stability throughout the whole trip rip Also I don’t think I could travel w/ my parents rn bc we did go to europe for a while this summer and although I love my them a lot, I would rather travel with my sister or my friends for the time being :)

3. Your fam/dorm decides to do a garage sale. Within a quick look into your room, what would you give up for sale?

My college textbooks

4. In your personal opinion (aka not based on the trend or whatever), name artist of the year, song of the year, video of the year, album of the year.

Artist of the Year- MONSTA X 

MX IS HAVING THEIR M O M E N T RIGHT NOW  and korea needs to pay attention! LIKE THEY RELEASED THREE (2 KOREAN, 1 JAPANESE) ALBUMS THAT ARE A++ WITH BOMBASS MVS/TITLE TRACKS, PROMOTING THEMSELVES LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WITH THE WORLD TOUR AND NOW JINGLE BALL AND ARE DOING IT WITH SO MUCH ENTHUSIASM EVEN THOUGH THEY MUST BE SUPER EXHAUSTED FROM WORKING NONSTOP THIS YEAR. And not to be that person but seeing them last year and then this year in concert really hit it home for me how much they’ve improved as artists and performers (not that they were bad to begin with) so in an ideal world, I would give a big award to Monsta X ❤❤

Song of the Year- Shine by Pentagon (lol sorry cloud)

it was a debate btwn shine or love scenario for me but shine did a lot more for pentagon’s popularity and name recognition than love scenario for ikon i think (since ikon already had ~ikonic~ songs like my type, rhythm ta, etc). The song itself is cute and really easy to get stuck in your head but not in an annoying way?? Plus the choreo made the hammer dance a thing (at least in my mind) and the way it rose up on the korean charts was p cool :)

Video of the Year- Help Me by NU’EST W

ugghhh so many candidates but the help me mv floored me with the overall visuals and cinematography and someone pls tell me that im not the only one who thought of minhyun when the door opened in the last scene lmao

Album of the Year- Love Yourself: Answer

I was late listening to it but after I got started, it was literally on repeat for at least a month. Just the way the album’s organized after ‘起承轉結’ makes the flow of songs from one to another is so perfect and all the songs were so good and it’s just really great 💗

5. Do you have a hobby/personal custom of yours?

uhm i read? that’s like the most boring hobby ever but i have been reading more lately than i have done over the last couple years, although I still have trouble finishing them..But I’m currently reading a book about the rise of China’s noveau riche and basically how capitalism functions in a country ruled by the Communist Party and no one wants to know how nerdy you are megan so just say you like reading and move on to the next question

6. Name the most a mischievous thing you’ve done

i dont do mischievous things OKAY BUT FORREAL I HAVE A REALLY BAD MEMORY WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS SO NOTHING IS COMING TO MIND RN :0000

7. a kpop group/artist you WISH comes off hiatus in 2019? 

f(x) and i’ll throw in pristin (ALL OF THEM) for good measure

8. recommend me ten songs 

(i don’t think we have the same tastes rip but here’s basically the songs that didn’t make it on #11 😅)

loved by highlight

one of those nights (feat. crush) by key 

right now by amber

regular (english version) by nct 127 

april fool’s by jimin (jamie) park

gone by changsub

lady by exid

roller coaster by chungha

piece of peace, pt. 1 by j-hope

no gravity (piano version) by yoon mirae

9. is there a fandom related activity you wish you were good at?

hmm i’m really curious how ppl do gfx actually..like they’re always so pretty and creative and i’m always in awe but i don’t think i have the artistic mind for it. Also, writing fics is also something I respect and lowkey wish I was good at (even tho I never tried lol) since I find the process of transmitting my thoughts onto paper really difficult and it takes me forever to write stuff in general

10. a kp*p song from this year that everyone swears on but you’re not that on board with it 

favorite by loona?? i know a lot of ppl here on the tumbles love loona but their style of music doesn’t really hit it for me..

11. top 10 kpop songs of 2018?

in no particular order:

boss by nct u

la vie en rose by iz*one

countless by shinee

running to you by seventeen

destroyer by monsta x

trivia:seesaw by bts 

i’m so sick by apink

just do it by booseoksoon

she’s in the rain by the rose

bad boy by red velvet

[survivingsusac]

I get Botox next month

Caught your attention with that unexpected title, did I?

First of all: I’ve been MIA for a while because I’ve been lightening rod focused on my A&P class this pandemic summer session. Sorry not sorry. But this means with so much time passing I have an update!

So I finally got to meet Dr. Walks His Cat last Tuesday. Which I know I should stop calling him because he has an actual name and he is a spectacular neurologist. But Dr. Walks His Cat is what he will forever be known as. Especially one he showed a picture of Cecelia, his GORGEOUS maine coon mix. ‘Cuz yeah, I totally brought it up to him. He had me putting my shoes back on after some reflex evaluations and I was like, “While I finish up here, I read in your Sutter profile you travel and walk your cat. What’s this cats name and what are they like?” So naturally he pulled out his phone and showed me a picture.

But aside from the five minutes we spent showing each other pictures of our cats, he spent two hours with me. Getting to know my medical history from ME, not just my charts. Getting to listen to my symptom descriptions and learning about my concerns and hopes. He told me he read a reread an article written by Robert Rennebohm, a doctor who worked with me 2 years ago for his research. I let Dr. Walks His Cat know I have like five copies of it printed out at home for when I encounter doctors who have no flipping clue what Susacs and I have to teach them. But Dr. Walks His Cat already had it with him and we referenced it a couple times throughout our conversation.

We talked about the Branch Retinal Artery Occlusion in my right eye and how my eyes have compensated for that minor loss of vision. We talked about my corpus callosum thinning and why and he sends orders for a fresh MRI. We talked about my memory retention remediating for the most part and how my coping behaviors have made that happen.

Then we get to my gait, or walking. This is why I was refitting my shoes when I asked about his cat.

Dr. Walks His Cat did the same reflex tests on my lower leg that I have become used to doing since I started being seen by the right doctors for the correct diagnosis. But then he also did some new ones to observe how the reflex then takes forever to relax. He’s all, that delayed reaction is from the spasticity. Put your shoes on let me see you walk down the hallway.

*insert shoe installation and cat conversation* I walk about 20 feet down the hallway and back.

Then back in his office he describes what he observed in my walk. Then about how the spinal cord sends signals to the leg muscles to contract (which is why it takes so long for the reflex to relax) and mine is sending extra unnecessary signals which lead to my fancy scissor walk spastic gait. He does an actually really good job using layman’s terms to describe a muscle contraction. And my brain, in full on AP mode is translating: lumbar plexus…sarcolemma…myosin heads…actin binding sites. Andrew would be proud. I should text him and let him know. Turns out Dr. Walks His Cat buried the lead though. There’re treatments for that.

“Please do not say Baclofen. I am never doing that again.”

*insert tale of UCD neuro immunologist who didn’t respond to my cries for help for a month*

Turns out Dr. Walks His Cat says that, if I chose to, I can have Botox injections in my calves and he says that it has helped some of his other patients with spasticity. He talked about where he would not do it (hamstrings) and where he would do it (gastrocnemius and the sartorius). You know how using Botox on a person’s face is meant to stop the facial muscles from contracting so that they don’t give themselves wrinkles? The whole idea is to do that but to my legs. Supply enough of the “stop that contraction” Botox injection to stop them from unnecessary contraction but not stop them from actually working.

I’m like, SIGN ME THE HECK UP, DUDE!

Then I asked how similar it is to the sensation when you get an immunization like a flu shot? It’s less fluid volume than in an immunization, and a similar feel in relation to pain tolerance. And he warned that he administers Botox injections conservatively to avoid negative reactions so it’s possible that I may not notice a response with this initial treatment. Implying that I may need to go back for another after some time to see if we can find the ideal dosage for treatment.

Then he asks if he can take over my IVIg Rx from UCD Dr. Apperson so that everything is managed in house by Sutter Medical Center. Yes! You most definitely may do that amazing thing you just brought up that I was going to beg you to do anyway!

I go back in 29 days to get my first Botox injections. I have to keep stopping myself from believing that it’s a true fix for all the pain I’m in all the time and the struggle it is to walk. I actively stop myself each time I start thinking, it’ll be so nice to get out of bed and not hurt once I get the Botox therapy. It’ll be so nice to walk normally again, jump during work outs (I’ve modified out all plyometrics), and move quickly in emergencies.

NO, AURORA.

This Botox isn’t a guarantee, even Dr. Walks His Cat said that I may not notice a difference, and pointed out one patient had to use a cane because she got Botox in her hamstrings in larger volume than she ought to have. Cool your jets, Aurora. Stop jumping the gun. But I still left excited. I am walking out the hospital door and my mom/rock calls me. “Are you coming home yet?” I had my final exam to take for class and we had an hour drive to get to our camp site for the next two nights. None of us expected me to be gone for so long so she was feeling antsy.

Then I get a notification from UCD’s MyChart app on my phone that I have a video appointment with Dr. Apperson coming up. I didn’t make this appointment, so I start reading all this stuff attached to the notification to find out what the heck it is. Nothing about what or why. BUT. There is a sentence that says I am acknowledging by pushing this that I accept that UCD has the right to hospitalize me if they see fit to do so.

Now, you guys haven’t heard this story but back in February UCD hospitalized me. For walking. It was never validated to my insurance and I WONDER WHY (!?!?!). Then we have Sutter’s Dr. Walks His Cat who’s just told me that he may have a treatment that could repair my walking. So, I am not going to leave hospitalization liberties up to UCD. I cancelled that appointment real quick. I got a phone call the next day from Renae at UCD saying she got notified that my appointment was cancelled. I told her, “Yup, that was me. I didn’t schedule it and I have no idea what it’s for. Plus I just saw a neurologist who said he is going to get the IVIg prescription Dr. Apperson manages transferred to him, so I went ahead cancelled it when MyChart told me about it.”

She made a note about that in my UCD records.

Doctors and their associates have made so many notes about me in their records. It’s why Dr. Walks His Cat told me he had so much to read about me in the two weeks leading up to my appointment with him. But it made for and extremely thorough, HELPFUL, and much appreciated appointment.

felt rejected when he first said no, I don’t have time to meet with Aurora. But Dr. Walks His Cat explained why he couldn’t accept a new patient and first and then why he changed his mind. Turns out Rheumie T sent him a personal message pleading why he should specifically accept MY case to his patient load. And that was the clincher for him that I would become his patient; he said he wouldn’t tell his colleague no.

This makes me even more grateful for my pretty stinking cool Rheumie T and her work to get me the treatment and care I need. I need to send her a thank you card. I’ve talked about needing to send one to my GP, too. SHOOT. All my Sutter doctors need thank you cards!

If you have health, enjoy it. If you want more health, I encourage you to fight for it. And for the love of tacos and everything that is delicious, social distance yourselves!

Surviving Susac,

Aurora

[shsl-seinen]

45 questions...now that endgame has commenced

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Nope! She has no siblings and her mother’s gone up and left when she was young, so the closest she’s with is her father, whom of which she regrets not cherishing him enough before getting trapped in VR hell, so whoops! Sucks for you, Ai! (EDIT: I MISREAD THIS SLIGHTLY SO YOU GET EXTRA INFO ON AI’S THOUGHTS ABT HER DAD LOL) Speaking of mom…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

Uhh not too well NOWADAYS, considering she left when Ai was young, but they spent time together watching TVs dramas and comedies and playing with Ai’s toys together and such, as Naoko (her mum’s name) was a stay-at-home mom. Nowadays Ai wonders how she is (in a bit of a more spiteful sense but…maybe it’s in a different sense now.) since she KNOWS her dad’s pretty lonely and a bit distraught for being left with her daughter (that resembles her a little too well, down to appearance, acrid tongue and drama love). …perhaps she’s forgotten about Ai and Yosuke by now. Speaking of THAAAT…

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Well, pretty distant and a bit one-sided, unfortunately. They were like any other cute father-daughter pair up until Naoko left, then Yosuke (dad’s name) became a bit distraught with being left a single dad. (He works as a nurse at a hospital!) Still, he took care of her nonetheless–then Ai started to become distant by middle school. Her working on her drawings and getting bullied and developing a bit of a sleazy, drama-loving personality and all–it REALLY started to hit by high school. Even if Ai was raking in cash with her manga and giving a portion of it to dad to help financially, she basically kept cooped up in her room and their interactions were mere greetings. Heck, she mostly ate meals in her room! A shame, really.

Edit: Regret. She…she feels regret.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

THIS was a toughie. Perhaps one major thing was seeing Shoko Yazawa, the girl she indirectly gossiped about being a compensated dater, commit social suicide and basically disappear from Kameoka. She just…doesn’t feel comfy thinking about how she might actually be dead and how something that might have not even been true at ALL possibly cost her her social life. She may like drama, but she feels lies makes it…complicated? I can’t find the right word. Everything’s more authentic when it’s true and real, Ai feels.

EDIT: Cody’s deletion. It gave her the feeling that they very well may just be erased off the face of the Earth without feeling anything, in the blink of an eye. Mostly because, spoiler spoiler, Ai glitched out in the hospital space just like Cody but got spawned in a different area rather than deleted. So. Yeah. Scary.

EDIT 2: I GUESS DYING AND WHAT FOLLOWED AFTERWARD WAS AN EYE OPENER

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

Out of game: strawberry gum/various candies, her phone, a spare pen/pencil or two just in case~! Not like she’d need to carry stuff in her pockets–she’s mostly a shut-in anyway!

In Telos Hell: Her ID, and…er, that’d…probably be it. I didn’t think this very through. In the case of what she often CARRIES (like, in her hands) it’d be snacks like pudding or candy and her sketchbook, I suppose.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Erm…this took a while to answer since I never thought that Ai would have dreams–I lowkey imagined her to be one of those dreamless sleepers. Y’know, granted she doesn’t get much shut-eye in the first place? But I suppose her dreams often involve her being a shadow or a ghost of some sorts in a bit of a beat-up town, just watching the town go on (robberies, theft, murder, or just…regular things like a couple arguing or girls gossiping) as no one notices her.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

This goes just as above, but I’ll list it out anyway: I feel something along the lines of all eyes and blinding lights always being on her wherever she tries to run, and all mouths (her classmates, her fans, her patrons her dad, her mom, Shoko) always speaking of her, revealing her gross nature in contrast to the mysterious but ladylike (??? I guess?) mangaka alias she pretends to be online. Maybe hands would be holding her down so she can’t run and has to face all the lights and all the people.

I figure she doesn’t have nightmares often, since, again, she doesn’t get much shuteye, but…ha

EDIT: Glitchy erasure has probably haunted her a few times nowadays.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Nope.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Pretty much! She didn’t grow up POOR but things were probably pretty tight at one point in her life, considering Yosuke soon became a single working dad in the middle of Ai’s childhood. As soon as she started raking in that Sweet Sweet Manga Cash, however, she was happy to set out a portion of her money for her dad, so they ended up okay and a little well off! (Not rich but u get what i mean, hopefully)

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

More clothing–she just feels better that way.

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Hoo-wee. It’s…a liiittle hard to say.

Tora chapter 2 was a doozy, but she wasn’t as scared then as she was, say...witnessing Cody getting erased, or glitching out HERSELF way back in ch7 when she was in the hospital space. She just felt...terrified, feeling like she’d suddenly disappear without another word, AND without feeling anything.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

Whenever she’s in her room, not disturbed by anyone, just browsing through social media idly with snacks on standby. Or asleep, considering … help this girl

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

She really isn’t…at least, she thought she wasn’t. She’s gotten pretty used to the sight of blood as a kid, when she’d gotten the occasional bloody nose from bullying back in her school days, and ofc with her job revolving around illustrating violence and sometimes GORE, you get immune to it!

At least, you think you do. As quoted from what I put on that FE AU spreadsheet a longass while ago “Gore looks much…mushier than on paper.”

Ryouji’s dead corpse was a nice ‘ol REVELATION for Ai. Since the closest thing to shit like that was descriptions of shit from the hospital (thanks nurse dad) and anatomy charts and guro art she’s browsed, seeing a REAL corpse in such a situation was…a game changer.

At this point, Ai’s a bit immune to it lol. So many bodies, yanno? She’s now…scarily used to it. Of course, the nature and customization of the executions are…unnerving to her, sometimes. I’m talking to you, Ryouji, lmao (She’ll probably still be pretty unnerved if she…ever…wants to go back to drawing manga tho…I don’t think she will. She’ll take a longass break.)

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Depends, I would think. Ingame: faces, but out of game, since she doesn’t really care for her classmates and real people and shit, she remembers names more. The internet is a far more vast place, after all.

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

This is hard because I don’t think about this often myself

I guess she IS? She enjoys having things like snacks and desserts and tech around her, but she’s mostly just preoccupied with drama, relationships, fights and…people, I guess. I don’t have a good answer for this.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

I was about to say neither and point at “enjoyment”, but I guess…that could…sort of align with happiness? You can’t be a mangaka forever, and WHAT ELSE is she good for? Ha. She’d rather sit back and simply be able to enjoy a show rather than idealize shit like that. Life’s a show you can’t waste a minute to wake in!

…mm.

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

Dolls, probably. Y’know, er…the equivalent of Barbie dolls, I guess? I can’t go too into depth since I haven’t fleshed out her childhood all too much, but…dolls seem accurate for her. She’d like dressing them up, decorating the houses (if that was a thing…?) and sometimes even playing pretend with them, I’d imagine–and Naoko would honestly play along with her, I’d think!

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

She admires the pettiness ambition of people around her, really. Just…seeing the lengths people would go for their goals, good or bad.

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Like I said, she was literally alienated at the concept of people caring about her and her wellbeing.

Said alienation, initial refusal to accept praise of her, AND general nasty/careless/joking attitude, as well as her constant self-deprecation is a pretty fuckin’ big downer in relationships. Hell, part of her attitude already drives people away, she knows–might as well show she’s self-aware of it right?

…it’s definitely cost her potential friendships. Lots of ‘em.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

Depends. …mostly the latter though. She knows she’s a piece of shit but occasionally she sees some people and goes “ok at least I’m not them tho lol”. Sorry Senji, Ryouji, some others I probably forgot to mention here. I still love you.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

Oh hell yeah she thinks she deserves it. Karma, baby! Gotta love it.

What does your character like in other people?

Pettiness, wittiness, cunning, the ability to take a joke and make a joke–people who are laidback and careless enough to not be easily brought down. ok look masashi “hee-haw” oichi is a special case here, she thinks hee-haw is annoying but ill be damned if she doesnt eventually get used to it and admires masashi’s directness

What does your character dislike in other people?

Pettiness done WRONG to look like absolute immaturity…and on that note, people acting like loud immature brats in general, people who hold huge grudges over small and/or past events, haughtiness, tryhards (ok yes she can be a tad hypocritical but she’ll swear there’s a difference), people who (in her words, probs) have “sticks up their asses”…you surely get the gist.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

LMAO NOT QUICK @ ALL (especially in a game like this) she can drop trust pretty quickly tho ;0

…once you do end up gaining her trust, though, it’s strong with just a liiitle bit of doubt. As soon as you break it tho, her trust in you AND others plummet down the fucking toilet so lol

EDIT: ok so i’ll be honest now that it’s endgame, the reason she seems more willing to believe lies in others than she probs should is that she believes in predictability and also me myself, the mun, am Fucking Dumbass and fall for the lies myself, so if i can’t see past them even if Ai in-characterly Can, then im sorry my dudes im Fucking Dumb :’O

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

Pretty quick, but she won’t necessarily voice it until she has a good opportunity. If they’re close to her, and she trusts them, she won’t suspect them unless shit seriously starts pointing to them, then it starts getting 👀👀👀

How does your character behave around children?

[ai voice] i think the fuck not, goodbye

She doesn’t…handle children well.

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

haha……………..she doesn’t (usually)

She literally watches drama from afar, you think she wanna get involved in shit?

…when she does deal with it, she replies as bluntly and honestly as possible so she can get it over with. confrontation? no thanks lol

…maybe she’ll add some sass when she finds a good opportunity if she wants to make the confronter feel like a dumbass or smth, or if it starts to piss her off.

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Ai…knows that violence in a losing battle for her. She’s weak. (….listen ryouji was already down in that one trial, ok) If a punch is thrown, she’ll either dodge and run, or take it and scuttle, tbh.

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

She didn’t really have those types of dreams as a kid, really?? But maybe her drawings as she grew up started to make her think of being an artist. And…well, it DID come true, right? …with, y’know, the cost of tons of potential friendships. And other shit. ha

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

Well, ONE thing is wasted opportunity, which is why, as you saw, Ai was PISSED at Ryouji when he was the chapter 6 culprit.

…okay, that’s very exaggerated for being listed and something “repulsive” to her, but…disgusting? ye.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Same spiel as the calm one, if you scroll up: in her room back at Kameoka, no one bothering her, the sound of rain and muffled thunder rumbles outside as she scrolls through the internet, snacks at her side while feeling cozy af in warm clothing/probably a blanket over her.

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

I can list a few, actually! A certain text conversation between Andrew and Ai during Chapter 6, CHPT4 MONOTHEATER IN TORA AND CHPT5 MONOTHEATER? IN TELOS I BELIEVE? Because there was a very down, depressed vibe goin’ on–mostly the reaction of the deaths and all that, and the feeling that…everyone’s in despair. And tense. It’s infectious, unfortunately.

…and also, er, tora chpt2 trial. You Know,

EDIT: Cody’s erasure lol

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

SELF-DEPRECATION, BABY ;0

Nowadays, thanks to the magic of Character Development, she’s starting to see that she can improve. So she does the third one more, now.

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

She’s definitely the type to keep trying a certain method a few times before moving on in frustration.

How does your character behave around people they like?

Laidback, and more open, with banter all around! If you’re someone she likes who has…made an impact on her (like Holly acting like a big sis for her, thanks holly ily) then she’ll still make jokes but not be as biting! She’ll try to be more lightheartedly jokey rather than have each joke be a diss.

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

Prepare for disses, eye rolls and snappy attitudes…or, er, just straight up disrespect and igonring.

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

Protecting their status, most likely. She…has no honor, really.

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

*ahem*

abscond

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

Nope! Never been bitten, and she certainly doesn’t plan to!

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

General respect and decency whenever she DOES go out for, say, groceries at 7/11 or something. She’d generally like to leave asap when she goes out though, so she does sometimes ask to, like, quicken the pace. What did the service job people ever do to her, anyhow, besides like, possibly make her wait? No disses here, thank god

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

Ai feels she doesn’t…deserve a lot of things she has, and definitely thinks that a lot of kids in Telos don’t deserve the shit they get thrown at them either (but, yes, there are some who she thinks do get what’s coming for them, but not many), so it’d be the latter, I suppose.

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

Nope. Easy answer.

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

…not dependent, but…there’s one person who does a pretty good job trying to be one for her. (Spoiler alert it’s Holly, god bless this water polo player I love her so much get better soon athena ur great ily)

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Pretty goddamn difficult. She thinks of it as a bit of a hard thing to say herself, but agrees it’s something thrown around way too much nowadays–which is, in part, why it’s hard for her to say. (Also she’s never really gotten it from anyone except her parents ha) Ai doesn’t and wouldn’t say it in general (unless it’s joking with friends but even THEN its rare bc Got Damn can’t have too much hypocricy) since it’s a bit overused in society and seems like a throwaway term w/o meaning. When she DOES wanna say it MEANINGFULLY, she’d really want to MEAN it, which is hard with…the kind of mindset she has on the word.

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

She doesn’t know!

Which is exactly what scares her.

Not like she thinks about it often, though! (er…well…maybe she does now.)

Nor does she want to. :)

EDIT: this still goes unchanged but it goes to show, uh...what she might’ve thought when she was “dying” at the time.

[trashandstimcaf]

Niccus Character Intro

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Niccus Glitz

Reason or meaning of name: It’s flashy and attention grabbing

Character’s nickname: Nic, Jackass, Hey don’t you owe me credits

Reason for nickname: He’s an ass with a bit of a fondness for high stakes

Birth date: unknown

Physical appearance

Age: 26

How old does he/she appear: Early 20s

Weight: 250lbs

Height: 6’5

Body build: Broad shoulders, narrow waist, and very buff with a nice butt

Shape of face: Rectangular

Eye color: Purplish Blue depends on the lighting really

Glasses or contacts: he’s that asshole with 20/10 vision

Skin tone: Light Green

Distinguishing marks: His Mirialan facial tattoos and rosy cheeks

Predominant features: A big ol lantern jaw

Hair color: Greenish Black

Type of hair: it’s thick and wavy

Hairstyle: Big overdone pompadour

Voice: Smarmy

Overall attractiveness: He thinks he’s very attractive

Physical disabilities: none

Usual fashion of dress: like is a 50’s greaser wandered into swtor

Favorite outfit: Bold Hellion armor

Jewelry or accessories: he has a flip comb

Personality

Good personality traits: Highly affectionate and good humored

Bad personality traits: Greedy, bombastic, and cut throat

Mood character is most often in: Highly amused with himself

Sense of humor: What if i just ruin everything at once while saying a dumb one liner

Character’s greatest joy in life: Credits, Risha, Being with his moms

Character’s greatest fear: Dying in obscurity

Why? His mother was an infamous pirate that he strives to be like failing her memory terrifies him

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? Losing his crew

Character is most at ease when: He’s running a scam or gambling or even better both at once

Most ill at ease when: When he’s trying to be sincere

Enraged when: Someone steals his shit (looking at you Skavak)

Depressed or sad when: He thinks about his moms, he misses them

Priorities: Getting rich and getting laid

Life philosophy: Eh fuck it

If granted one wish, it would be: To be so damn rich he could buy the cartel, the empire, and the republic

Why? He strives to reclaim the Glitz name from the smear campaign done by the empire to downplay the damage his mother had done to it

Character’s soft spot: Languss Tuno, Bowdarr, Risha, and Akaavi

Is this soft spot obvious to others? Yep he’s pretty open with his affection

Greatest strength: He’s got the skill to carry him through when luck fails him

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: His obsessive search for fame and fortune has pushed away many people

Biggest regret: He feels like he didn’t tell his mom he loved her enough before she was killed

Minor regret: Not smacking Corso upside the head more

Biggest accomplishment: Claiming Port Nowhere as his own and becoming a Pirate feared by both the republic and the empire

Minor accomplishment: Convincing Risha to marry his dumbass

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: None

Why? He owns his failures so it doesn’t hurt when it’s thrown in his face

Character’s darkest secret: He was sad that Darmas betrayed him

Does anyone else know? Nope he keeps that to himself

Goals

Drives and motivations: stupid amounts of fame and wealth

Immediate goals: get rich

Long term goals: get really rich

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Rob the empire and republic blind

How other characters will be affected: He’s pissed off plenty of sith, jedi, and bureaucrats

Past

Hometown: a space ship

Type of childhood: mostly spent on the run with his mother learning to shoot quick and talk quicker

Pets: A little reprogrammed probe droid

First memory: His mother pulling him into her lap and showing him how to steer

Most important childhood memory: His mother’s ship getting shot down in a dogfight between republic and empire ships

Why: It’s when his childhood ended for him

Childhood hero: His mother Ramilia Glitz

Dream job: Pilot

Education: Spotty he can fix a speeder, cheat at cards, shoot a blaster and patch up himself and crew after a fight, but his reading is pretty basic and his math is pretty much confined to adding and subtracting

Religion: He thinks the force is for the jedi and the sith to kill each other over

Finances: Depends his adopted mother’s where a smuggler and bounty hunter so income was spotty as a kid

Present

Current location: His Ship

Currently living with: His Crew

Pets: Same little droid

Religion: still thinks the force is for pompous jackasses with laser swords

Occupation: Smuggler

Finances: Changes day by day he’s a bit of a spendthrift

Family

Biological Mother: Ramilia Glitz

Relationship with her: Niccus worships her memory at this point, but before she died they were very close

Biological Father: Unknown

Relationship with him: Gives not a single fuck about him

Adoptive Mothers: Bantara and Telkali

Relationship with them: He loves them and would bring them several moons if they asked. He learned most of skills in fighting and basic medical care from the two women.

Spouse: Risha

Relationship with him/her: He’d die for her if necessary but he’d prefer a plan that gets them both out alive because he’d like to hear her call him an idiot for the rest of what he hopes is a long life

Children: none but took Guss under his wing

Relationship with them: He adores Guss’ ambition and appreciation of a good scheme

Other important family members: He considers Bowdarr and Akaavi to be family

Favorites

Color: Red

Least favorite color: Light Blue

Music: Anything with a beat that he can dance to is a okay with Niccus

Food: He’s not picky

Literature: He’s not big on reading unless it’s speeder schematics

Form of entertainment: Gambling

Expressions: Take a long walk out a short airlock

Mode of transportation: His space ship or custom built speeder

Most prized possession: His blaster

Habits

Hobbies: Playing cards and flirting

Plays a musical instrument? no

Plays a sport? No, what if he messed up his hair

How he/she would spend a rainy day: inside macking on Risha

Spending habits: Buys a lot of frivolous shit because he can

Smokes: sometimes

Drinks: yes

Other drugs: sometimes

What does he/she do too much of? Drinks a little more than he should

What does he/she do too little of? Consider the consequences of his actions

Extremely skilled at: Shooting, flying, and if you ask him flirting

Extremely unskilled at: Shutting up, reading, not being a jackass

Nervous tics: pulling out his flip comb and running it through his hair, licking his lips, pulling at his ear piecing, and clicking his tongue piercing against his teeth

Usual body posture: Relaxed and open

Mannerisms: hooks his thumbs into his belt loops often and preens too much

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Joyfully pessimistic

Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert

Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil

Logical or emotional? Emotional

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? A complete slob

Prefers working or relaxing? Chillin like a villian

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? He’s a big pompous jackass

Animal lover? Sure if they don’t cramp his style

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: He’s hiding a very scared man under the 50 layers of narcissistic jackassery

One word the character would use to describe self: Fantastic

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: A man of action and excellent taste. With an ass to die for and a luscious locks. He’s just stupidly good looking and it's a burden he must bear.

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? His clever wit

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? He’s just so damn pretty

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Everything

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Nothing

How does the character think others perceive him/her: As a charming lovable rogue

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Nothing

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: Depends on how attractive he finds them

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Not often unless it’s to run a scam

Person character most hates: Skavak, Rogun, Darmas

Best friend(s): Risha, Akaavi, Bowdarr, Guss, Theron, Lana, Koth

Love interest(s): Risha, Theron

Person character goes to for advice: His moms

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Guss

Person character feels shy or awkward around: Theron and Risha make him a little twitterpated

Person character openly admires: Risha, Lana, Senya

Person character secretly admires: Scorpio

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: All his moms

After story starts: All his moms, Risha, Theron, Lana, and Koth

[simonmeadows]

CHARACTER CHART:

Character’s full name: Simon Benjamin Meadows Reason or meaning of name: The name has greek/Hebrew roots and basically means “He (God) has heard”. In his case, however, the name came from his deceased Grandfather. Character’s nickname: No known nicknames have been given to this date. Reason for nickname: Birth date: 20th April, 1990

PSYCHICAL APPEARANCE: 

Age: 29 How old does he/she appear: Depends on whether he shaves or not, but around 26-28 Weight: - (i never bother with this part sorry) Height: 6′2 Body build: Broad shoulders, look far more fit/athletic than he is. Shape of face: Soft, oval/round Eye color: Blue Glasses or contacts: None Skin tone: Caucasian Distinguishing marks: Light freckles Predominant features: His eyes, he has a unqiue shape along with his eyebrows. Hair color: Dirty blond Type of hair: Flat Hairstyle: Short, messy  Voice: Garrett’s own (bc unf) Overall attractiveness: This would be biased to answer so I’ll let you rate him on your own. Physical disabilities: None, atm ;) Usual fashion of dress: Casual, t-shirts/sweatshirts and whatever pants he can find clean. Favorite outfit: Simple one colored t-shirt, jacket and dark colored jeans. Jewelry or accessories: None

PERSONALITY:

Good personality traits: Helpful, open-minded, supportive Bad personality traits: Unlucky, paranoid, prideful Mood character is most often in: Mostly helpful and chatty, a little tired at his worst. Sense of humor: Dark, ironic and sarcastic Character’s greatest joy in life: His daughter Character’s greatest fear: Losing the little he has/not being enough Why?: Due to his parents' constant habit of ripping everything he cares about and for out of his hands and because of emotional/mental abuse. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?: Losing his stability, mostly Hayley. Character is most at ease when: He’s home or out doing things with the people he loves and cares for. Most ill at ease when: Stuck with his parents, especially his father. Enraged when: Something unfair happens to him, Hayley or a close friend of his; or when his father starts to demand impossible tasks out of him/demand too much. Depressed or sad when: He’s tired/had a fight with someone. Priorities: Hayley Life philosophy: He doesn’t have one. If granted one wish, it would be: To cut off contact with his parents and gain full custody of Hayley.  Why?: Because it would remove at least 70% of his overall stress and pressure.  Character’s soft spot: Children, cooking  Is this soft spot obvious to others?: Children are, cooking not so much as it’s a new hobby he picked up after Hayley’s birth. Slowly building his skills!  Greatest strength: His ability to get back up after a harsh experience. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Is easily stressed out, panics when it gets too much and his daughter, of course. Biggest regret: His teenage years. He was quite an asshole during high school.  Minor regret: Not trying harder during high school. Biggest accomplishment: Finding a form of stability for himself. Minor accomplishment: Actually graduating from the University with a degree. Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: His criminal records and dyslexia.  Why?: Hm, wonder. he has a pretty heavy stigma around his dyslexia as well. Doesn’t want to acknowledge it.  Character’s darkest secret: His actual relationship with his parents. Unless you’re involved with them/know about their closed-door behaviors he’s not gonna breathe a word about it. Does anyone else know?: His aunt and cousins + old babysitters/employees.

GOALS:

Drives and motivations: Making sure Hayley has a stable childhood. Immediate goals: Get better at cooking, learn some further life skills!  Long term goals: Same as drive!  How the character plans to accomplish these goals: By powering on and becoming a better parent. Keeping Hayley away from her mom and his parents is another.  How other characters will be affected: Thus far, no one beyond Simon and Hayley. 

PAST:

Hometown: Montréal, Canada Type of childhood: Wild/Unstable Pets: None First memory: Often recalls himself playing in the backyard of their mansion, digging around in the dirt and pulling up plants, much to the gardener’s disliking. Most important childhood memory: "I think that would have to be my first Christmas at Merveille Hotel. I was six and my parents had decided to go out of town for the weekend so I was stuck with the staff during the day. Yes, my parents paid someone from the staff to babysit me whenever they left, always someone who wanted to spend two days in a big house and make a quick buck. Anyway, Christmas at that place is just… amazing. Lights everywhere, people who are dressed up to entertain kids, live shows, candy and food in masses and it’s basically heaven for a six-year-old. I spent the day following my babysitter around and her family came by during dinner and we sat together around the main family table – I remember everyone laughed, awe:ed at the live music and I ate so much I didn’t even own the will to drag myself home. Sadly enough she quit her job only a few months after that… but I still appreciate that she had the heart to treat me like a person. I’ve always lived to give Hayley that same feeling whenever a holiday comes around.” Why: It reminded him of everything he wanted to have and it’s the feeling he often lean on during his own parenthood journey as he wanted Hayley to have the same reasons to smile and feel at home. Childhood hero: The typical 80′s - 90′s action heroes. Dream job: None, wasn’t allowed to have one. Education: Has a business degree. Religion: Atheist Finances: Wealthy

PRESENT:

Current location: Perfection Valley, Nevada Currently living with: His daughter Pets: None (but Hayley always ends up with a cat named Thomas omg) Religion: Atheist, but wouldn’t mind discussing religion if it happens with the right person Occupation: Waiter at Saloon Finances: Lower to middle class

FAMILY:

Mother: Patricia Meadows Relationship with her: Bad, if she’s drunk she can’t even remember his name. Father: Benjamin Meadows Relationship with him: Bad, strict. Siblings: None Relationship with them: Spouse: None.  Relationship with him/her: Children: Hayley Meadows Relationship with them: Close, not about to change. Other important family members: His aunt, two cousins

FAVORITES:

Color: Yellow or green Least favorite color: Pink Music: Rock and electro Food: Hamburgers Literature: HAH. (Has literally never finished a book) Form of entertainment: Social activities Mode of transportation: Car or by foot Most prized possession: Besides a few pictures Hayley’s made, most of his possessions are fairly new.

HABITS:

Hobbies: Cooking Plays a musical instrument?: No Plays a sport?: Used to play basketball How he/she would spend a rainy day: Watch a movie with Hayley, play around with some new recipe he’s found. Might even take Hayley outside if the rain isn’t too rough.  Spending habits: Slim, he has learned to value money quite a lot. Smokes: No Drinks: Recently started again Other drugs: No What does he/she do too much of?: Worry What does he/she do too little of?: Make choices of his own Extremely skilled at: Nothing, he hasn’t been allowed to really discover anything to such a degree. But he has things he’s slowly working up his skills with. Extremely unskilled at: Math, processing information, focusing on too many things at once. Nervous tics: Avoids eye contact, laughs Usual body posture: Straight, feels confident and open.  Peculiarities: None

TRAITS:

Optimist or pessimist?: Tries to be an optimist Introvert or extrovert?: Extrovert Daredevil or cautious?: Used to be a daredevil, is now something in between. Logical or emotional?: Also in the middle, depends on why or what Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?: Very messy Prefers working or relaxing?: Both! As long as the work is right. Confident or unsure of himself/herself?: Acts confident, is unsure. Animal lover?: Not quite. Scared of dogs. 

SELF-PERCEPTION:

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Due to abuse, Simon doesn’t value himself highly. He’s not proud of the person he used to be and often thinks people can spend their time more wisely than with him. One word the character would use to describe self: Stupid One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: Simon would describe himself as unstable, but reliable to those who matter to him. Insecure, but confident enough to establish his part in this world as a hardworking father. He wouldn’t call himself bright, but he’d tell you that he tries – even if it might not always be enough. He’s a man constantly learning from past mistakes and someone ready to fight for a better future. What does the character consider his/her best personality trait?: His newfound compassion What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait?: His paranoia What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic?: His face, it has gotten him far What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic?: Nothing, really, he’s actually pretty confident when it comes to his looks. How does the character think others perceive him/her: Outgoing, positive and helpful What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: His attitude against himself

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS:

Opinion of other people in general: They’re fine, often fun to be around. Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others?: Opinions, no, emotions, yes. Person character most hates: His parents Best friend(s): Audrey Wright Love interest(s): None atm Person character goes to for advice: Audrey Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Hayley Person character feels shy or awkward around: None atm Person character openly admires: People with a good spirit, those that mean well and care for others. Person character secretly admires: People who seem to have their lives together Most important person in character’s life before story starts: His cousins, they’ve always been pretty tight and it was a welcomed break whenever they came to visit.  After story starts: Hayley, Audrey (maybe some more later on!)

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Hayes Contract, Iginla Retirement, Larkin, Giroux, Wilson, and More – July 31

  It’s almost here! Tomorrow is the day the 2018-19 Dobber Hockey fantasy guide is released. There are projections, articles from the Dobber team, and a whole host of other fantasy goodness for readers. Be sure to head to the Dobber Shop and get yours early.

*

A special thanks to the contributors here at Dobber Hockey for making Bubble Keeper Week a resounding success. They do a great job of researching the topics necessary for our readers to succeed in their leagues and covering this topic seemed to help a lot of people make some tough decisions. Or at the least, helped provide a much-needed second perspective.

And thank you to the readers. I know there are some people that just like to avoid hockey for a couple months and you guys hopping into our comments, asking us questions on Twitter, and perusing are articles is what made the week as fun as it was.

*

Jarome Iginla had his retirement press conference yesterday. Rather than rambling on (pun intended) about his career accomplishments (I’ve already done that), I thought this was an interesting story to come out from Sportsnet:

Brian Burke just told me on-air that before signing Jaromir Jagr last season, the Flames had long talks about bringing Iginla back, but chose to sign 68 instead.

— Faizal Khamisa (@SNFaizalKhamisa) July 30, 2018

Hindsight is obvious now considering how things worked out with Jagr but it would have been cool to see Iginla have his final season in a Flames uniform. He would have been limited, sure, but seeing the send-off the Sedins had in Vancouver was special and it would have been just as awesome to see Iginla do the same.

*

According to Elliotte Friedman, Cody Ceci is asking for $6-million in arbitration while the team offered $3.35-million. Splitting the difference, barring a deal between now and the conclusion of the arbitration case, cap leaguers can expect Ceci’s contract to be about $4.6-million or so this year. He could be worth that in real-time stats leagues but is certainly not worth that in leagues that don’t count hits and blocked shots.

*

There was an interesting article over at TSN yesterday from Travis Yost. He contextualized Brock Boeser’s rookie season to see what kind of comparable seasons there had been in the past. The name that topped the list was Patrik Laine. He then looked for comparable 2017-18 seasons for Laine and Boeser’s name topped the list. I encourage you to read the article to get the entire context, but Boeser and Laine were the closest comparable names for both.

That’s not what interested me, though. What interested me was the second name on the list of comparable seasons for both Boeser and Laine: Alex DeBrincat.

As Yost mentioned, having a season like they did will produce similar names. Nonetheless, seeing DeBrincat’s name listed alongside two players on the verge of superstardom has me excited for what DeBrincat could bring in 2018-19. 

*

Reading Cam’s Ramblings from yesterday, I agreed with him on one point: keep an eye on Kailer Yamamoto. I know the team signed Ty Rattie and Drake Caggiula, but there’s a very real possibility that both Yamamoto and Jesse Puljujarvi are the right wingers on the top two lines this year.

Yamamoto showed very well in his nine-game stint even if he didn’t find the score sheet. The line generated a lot of chances and sometimes players are just snake-bit for a couple weeks. Puljujarvi was better than people realized last year, he just didn’t get a real opportunity to shine.

I’m excited to see the line combinations they go with in camp. It seems very plausible something like RNH-McDavid-Yamamoto and Rieder-Draisaitl-Puljujarvi is run as the top-6. Maybe they do stick with Rattie on the top line to start but I don’t see it as a long-term solution. There may not be a need to draft either Yamamoto or Puljujarvi in most fantasy leagues, or Yamamoto at least, but be quick on the waiver wire.

*

Kevin Hayes signed a one-year, $5.125-million contract with the Rangers on Monday, avoiding arbitration. He’ll be a UFA after the year so it seems like he’ll be a deadline asset to trade. That’s a lot for cap-league owners, though.

*

Replying to a comment the other day in my Ramblings about Evgeni Dadonov made me realize something: Dylan Larkin had 63 points last year, and only eight of the came on the power play. Not only that, he was the first forward in a decade to tally at least 63 points while shooting under 7 percent. The last forward under the age of 25 to do it was Brad Richards in 2002-03. That’s not actionable fantasy information, I just found that interesting.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see Larkin having a monster season this year. He had a career-best in individual points percentage but the level he found himself shouldn’t be a concern. He was at about 73 percent and the top playmakers and producers in the NHL, names like Kopitar, Panarin, MacKinnon, Hall, and Gaudreau found themselves in the 70-80 percent range. If the belief is Larkin is a burgeoning star (that is my belief), his IPP level isn’t a concern.

If that shooting percentage rebounds (it will; he can’t shoot 3.7 percent on the power play again), and he can boost his PP production overall, there could be a huge year coming. As always, the caveat is that my personal projections won’t be finished for another month (I don’t know how Dobber does it) but if Larkin pushed to be nearly a point-per-game player this year, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. He’ll probably be on a lot of my teams.

*

For as little there is to talk about hockey in late July, this tweet from Dobber kicked up a pretty good debate:

Claude Giroux is 30 years old. He will most certainly reach 1000 career points before he's done. Hall of Famer?

— Dobber (@DobberHockey) July 27, 2018

The topic of Hall of Famers from the current generation is one I’ve been thinking about lately. There are slam-dunk cases which don’t warrant discussion like Sidney Crosby, Alex Ovechkin, Jarome Iginla, and the like. It’s the borderline guys who bring the debates. Guys like Giroux, Dany Heatley, Jason Spezza, Rick Nash, and Marian Gaborik. Before you yell at me, I’m not saying those guys are all Hall of Famers. I’m saying after the obvious cases, there are maybe 20 guys worthy of at least a discussion. They are some of the names on that list.

Anyway, back to Giroux.

He was late becoming a full-time NHLer, with his first full season coming at the age of 22. Was it really his fault they let him toil in the QMJHL and AHL before bringing him up? He had 48 goals and 112 points in 63 games in his D+1 year and 38 goals and 106 points in 55 games in his D+2 year. They had him start 2008-09 in the AHL and he was over a point per game for nearly half the season. While I don’t know the circumstances around keeping him off the full-time roster for so long (maybe Philly fans can shed some light in the comments), he appeared ready offensively long before he got to the NHL for an 82-game season.

Over the last eight years, he ranks 2nd in points (only Crosby is ahead), 5th in points per game (ahead of names like Ovechkin, Tavares, and Getzlaf), and 1st in assists. Those are very impressive numbers that span nearly a decade.

There’s always the question of hardware. There are zero MVPs, zero scoring titles, and zero Cups. Those things matter to HOF voters. If the Flyers win a Cup in the next few years, this is a different conversation for a lot of people.

The final sticking point is usually one of whether he was considered one of the top players of the sport at a given moment. I think some people might remember the Baton Has Been Passed arguments from years ago which were always silly. Giroux did have a five-year span (2010-2015) where he led the league in points. Guys like Crosby and Ovechkin were certainly still the impact players ahead of him, but of the non-generational players, it’s hard to look down your nose at a player who led the entire league in scoring for five years.

A final determination cannot be made right now, obviously. Giroux is heading into his age-31 season and there’s no telling what the future holds. What if he puts up a couple more 90-point seasons? What if he puts up a couple more 90-point seasons *and* adds a Stanley Cup? Or maybe he continues hardware-less for his career, 2017-18 proves an anomaly, and he returns to the production levels of 2015-17. Regardless, where he stands right now, outside of the guys that are clearly HOF-bound, Giroux is at, or near, the top of the next tier.

*

I guess it’s time to weigh in on the Tom Wilson contract.

The first thing that jumped out at me: there really aren’t (m)any comparable contracts. We are looking for the following conditions:

Early 20s and an RFA

Low career goal totals

Low career point totals

High career PIM totals

Stanley Cup

Long-term contract with a significant cap hit

That’s why when I see a name like David Clarkson thrown about, it doesn’t really apply. He signed his deal after his age-28 season as a UFA. You can’t really use guys like Antoine Roussel, either (though seeing what he signed for as a UFA should give you an idea about the value of Wilson’s contract). There was this tweet from Jeff Veillette:

Chart for an upcoming @faceoffcircleca article: Here is how Tom Wilson's point production stacks up to what @CapFriendly feels are the most comparable contracts to his in the cap era, and how those players produced leading up to their deals: pic.twitter.com/agZ2nubbpr

— Jeff Veillette (@JeffVeillette) July 29, 2018

None of the players on that list fits his description to a tee, but one sticks out: Andrew Shaw.

Shaw signed his deal with the Habs after his age-24 year, had never cracked 40 points, had one 20-goal season, and had two Stanley Cups. His contract was for six years at $3.9-million (which, again, despite cap increases, should tell you the value of the Wilson contract).

Anyway, that’s where the argument gets lost. The argument isn’t whether they are NHLers. Both Wilson and Shaw are good enough on talent alone to be on someone’s third or fourth line. The question is whether they are 100% worth the value of the contract, or 80% of the contract, or 60%, or 50%. Saying, “maybe they overpaid by $1.5M or $2M a year but it’s not a big deal” misses the point. Washington is a team with $1.1-million in cap space. Next year, they have over $67-million in commitments with just 13 players signed and Jakub Vrana, Andre Burakovsky, Chandler Stephenson, and Christian Djoos as RFAs. It’s a very real possibility that in 300 days they’ll need that extra $2M in cap space.

Again, this isn’t a “he’s not an NHLer” argument. He’s the prototypical cap-era fighter. A guy who can both throw punches and play with skilled players while not being an anchor to that line. The question is whether that particular skill set is worth nearly $5.2-million a year and whether it might cost them the ability to sign someone like Burakovsky in 10 months. We’ve seen this happen often recently with Cup champions. Players get signed to long-term deals and then when the cap crunch comes they get bought out, traded for another bad contract, or shipped out of town with a young player and/or draft picks to rid the team of the contract.

The Caps have their Cup in the Ovechkin Era. It really doesn’t matter what they do for the next decade. They could be a lottery team for years and the fans will always have this one magical year. And maybe Wilson takes another step in development, though at the age of 24, most players are pretty much done developing.

For fantasy, cap owners will have a decision to make. In leagues that count hits and PIMs, he’ll probably still be worth his contract. He’s one of the elite in both categories, and if he can continue to provide double-digit goals and 30-some points, it’s worth it. In leagues that don’t count hits or PIMs (especially both), he’s not worth it.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-hayes-contract-iginla-retirement-larkin-giroux-wilson-and-more-july-31/

[maciaslucymua-blog1]

How I Got Started with Herbs (and You Can, Too)

New Post has been published on http://www.healthgoesfemale.com/how-i-got-started-with-herbs-and-you-can-too/

How I Got Started with Herbs (and You Can, Too)

When my daughter was a baby, she had chronic diaper rash.  (And eczema, and diarrhea, and….)

I didn’t yet know anything about natural health.  At all.  We ate fast food, and packaged meals.  We had lots of over-the-counter (OTC) remedies around the house that we used any time we didn’t feel well.  I had absolutely no clue.

I tried everything to help her diaper rash, which would start with a bright red bottom, and progress to open, bleeding sores.  I slathered her butt in the white cream constantly, let her go diaper-free when I could, switched her into disposables until the rash cleared and cleaned my cloth diapers well.  Nothing really worked.

I did what all good parents do — I took her to the doctor.  I showed the doctor the rash.  The doctor took a cursory glance, told me it was bacterial, and prescribed an antibiotic cream.

I filled that prescription, and put the cream on her that night.

The next morning, not only was her diaper rash not any better — not even slightly — but the her eczema had flared up a lot.

I was disgusted.  I threw the cream in a drawer and never used it again.  I was sure that I could come up with something that could do a better job than that.  There had to be a better option, that actually worked, and that did not make things worse!

Looking for a Better, More Natural Option

I knew nothing about herbs.  I searched online, trying to get a feel for what my options were.  I came up with comfrey leaves and calendula flowers being good for skin healing.  I knew nothing else about them…but decided to go with it.

I made a ” tea” with water and herbs (totally guessing on all of this), then blended it with sweet almond oil, beeswax, shea butter (to make it thicker), coconut oil (because it was anti-bacterial and anti-viral), and lavender essential oil.  It wasn’t perfect — I later learned that using water was a bad idea, because it could separate or mold without other ingredients in it, but, it was the only way I could think of to do it.  It felt super weird to use a thin, clear cream instead of a thick, white cream like I’d always known…but I had to try.

But it worked.

It cleared up the rash in one diaper change.  It didn’t stop it from coming back, because it turned out she had a bunch of food allergies that were causing the chronic diarrhea, which led to the rash.  Once we cut those out of her diet, we were able to heal the rash for good.  (That’s a long story �� you can read about it here, with an update here.)

That was my very first foray into using herbs.  I had no clue what I was doing, no one to guide me, nothing at all…and still I found something that worked.

(If you’re curious, this is the diaper rash salve I make and use now.  It works, too, and I promise it’s easy.)

How I Got Started with Herbs (and You Can, Too)

I learned more about herbs over the next several years.  It was a lot of trial and error.  I searched online when I needed something, and began to gather a list of things that worked.  I started buying herbs in bulk, first in tiny amounts, and later in large amounts.  I regularly have 10 – 15 lbs. of different herbs in my kitchen now!

It was hard to learn all the herbs I could use, how to use them, how to prepare them…and more.  And I still often feel like I’m only at the tip of the iceberg on herbal knowledge.  I hope, someday, to study for a Master Herbalist certification…but that will have to wait awhile longer.

Trial and error wasn’t a terrible way to learn.  But a lot of people aren’t really into that.  It’s nerve-wracking, to be with a kid who doesn’t feel well and not know what to do.  To worry about if you’re doing the right thing…or if you could even be hurting your child by misusing herbs or essential oils.  A lot of moms, despite really wanting to get into natural remedies, just won’t take that risk.

I totally feel you.

I’m a self-starter, an experimenter.  It’s just kind of my personality that I don’t let anyone else tell me what to do (sometimes to my detriment!) and I always have to learn the hard way.

But many of my friends, they’re not like that.  They want a plan to follow.  They want to know exactly what they’re getting into.  If someone hands them a book and says “Make the recipe on page 30, and use it like this,” they will do it.  They need clear directions, and a few successes to get them feeling comfortable with natural remedies.

Is that you, too?

I can help!

The Ultimate Herbs & Essential Oils Bundle

This is a really cool collection.  It’s called the Ultimate Herbs & Essential Oils Bundle.  It’s a very focused library of herbs and essential oils resources from beginner to advanced.

There are 21 different resources in this bundle.  Some of which I’m using for myself, to learn even more!  (I’ve already begun the Vintage Remedies ecourse, Herbs & Oils: Beyond the Basics, which is normally $197.)

Today I want to highlight just some of the most basic stuff.  The stuff that you need to get you started and feeling confident in treating sniffles, coughs, and similar things…right away.

Safe EO Labels

This bundle includes a set of 30 essential oil safety labels, created by Lea Harris, certified aromatherapist and one of THE top EO safety experts.

Each label tells you:

Whether it can be used on children, during pregnancy, while breastfeeding, and or dogs and cats (inhaled and topically)

Maximum ‘strength’ for topical use (correct dilution)

Shelf life

Contraindications for use

Latin names

  These are labels you could easily print out and wrap around 10 – 30 ml bottles so that safety info is immediately at hand.  Or, slip the entire sheet of paper into a folder, or clip to your fridge.  No need to look up safety info in many places or wonder!

Value: $19.99

Essential Oils: Separating Myths From Truths

This is written by Kristen Smith, who’s currently studying to become an herbalist.  Plus, I’ve met her and some of her children in real life and she’s very sweet and very passionate about all of this.  She showed me an awesome little nursery and herbalism store!

If you’re confused about essential oils, and don’t know who to trust, this is a great book.  Kristen is not a rep for any EO brand, and does not discuss any brands in the book.  It is completely coming from a neutral point of view.

This book addresses such commonly-heard phrases, like:

Therapeutic-Grade Oils

Scent Indicates Quality

There’s No Research

It’s All Placebo

Pure & Natural Means Safe

There’s an Oil For That

Flavoring Water with Oils

Perfectly Safe for Moms and Littles

…and 17 more

  Basically, if you’ve heard it passed around as “advice” on social media, it’s addressed in this book!

Value: $9.95

Common Sense Home Remedies, #1, #2, and #3

Laurie Neverman of Commonsense Homesteading wrote these short books.  I haven’t met Laurie in real life, but we are friends on Facebook and I really enjoy her humor. 🙂

There are three of them, each focused on one specific topic.

#1 — Skin Remedies

Perfect for summer!  Starts with sunburn remedies (a whole bunch of them).  Then, it’s bites and stings.  After that, splinters, warts, acne, and even dry skin!  (That last one is probably better for winter.)

#2 — Tummy Troubles

This is possibly better for winter (which will come before you know it), but is really good year-around.  There’s help for upset stomachs, acid reflux, nausea/vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, and gas.

#3 — Head, Throat, and Chest

This book is excellent for the winter yuckies!  There are sections for headaches, canker sores, earaches, sore throats, coughs, and congestion.

Each of these books is laid out with several remedies listed very simply in each section, with a description of how, when, and why to use it.  They’re very folksy, down-home type books — not medical advice, but what you really need to know to treat the “basics” at home, naturally.

Value: $8.97

The total value of just these three resources is $38.91.  They’re only three out of twenty, including that almost-$200 ecourse I mentioned above.

The bundle sells for only $29.97…which is a total steal, whether you’re really only interested in these three books, or if you were interested in several others.

There’s also DIY Lavender Creations.  This one is neat, because it focuses heavily on just one herb.  It has sections for facial care, body care, hair care, bath recipes, cleaning recipes, recipes (food) with lavender, anxiety and stress remedies, headache remedies, sleep, crafts, and more!  It’s really thorough.

Just a small sampling of the recipes/remedies you’ll find:

Foaming Facial Cleanser

Lavender-Clay Face Mask

Dry Shampoo

Lavender Body Oil

Soothing Bath Salts

Bath Fizzies

Lemon-Lavender All-Purpose Cleaner

Moth-Repellent Sachets

Honey Roasted Chicken with Lavender

Lavender-Infused Chocolate Truffles

Quick Apple-Lavender Jelly

Raspberry-Lavender Soda

Calendula-Lavender Healing Salve

Insect Bite Soother

After Sun Spray

Simple Lavender Soap

…and tons more

  It would take you a year or more to actually try all the recipes in this book!  That’s pretty action-packed.  It retails for $5.99 (which is way too low for all that’s in here!).

Mama and Baby Herbal Wisdom

This is my brand-new book, not available anywhere else!  It’s all about herbs and natural remedies that are safe during pregnancy, and with our most precious little ones.  I’ve been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for over 9 years now, so I pretty much only use herbs that are pregnancy and breastfeeding-safe!

In this book, you’ll find beginner info, like the 10 easiest natural remedies chart (using things you probably already have at home), plus how to make salves, tinctures, teas, and other basic preparation.

And, tons of awesome remedies, like:

Herbal Magnesium Lotion

Cramp and After Pains Tincture

Simple Pregnancy Tea

Postpartum Recovery Tea

Nipple Butter

Mastitis Salve

Colic Tincture

Teething Tincture

Good Night Lotion

…and more!

  Some of these are my favorite.  We use the teething tincture and good night lotions often!!

The book retails for $7.95.

The Bonus Offers

In addition to all of these books (plus several I didn’t mention), there’s an offer for 50% off your order with Golden Poppy Herbs.  What’s neat about this store, is that they sell their bulk herbs in 1/2 oz. quantities, so you can get tiny amounts to try and not commit to having a ton of something around if you don’t know that it will work for you.  It’s a pretty good deal, to get 50% off too!

That bonus is available to anyone who purchases the library.  But I’m also offering an additional bonus, that is exclusive to Modern Alternative Health readers!

This bonus is a short set of printables.  They’re your cheat-sheets to using natural remedies quickly and easily.  The pack, which is called the Quick Guide to Natural Remedies, includes:

Tummy Remedies

Respiratory Remedies

General/Misc Remedies

When to Call the Doctor

  Nothing in here is medical advice, it’s based on my own experiences as a mother of 5 children (and some advice I received from some excellent doctors I know). 🙂

The Bottom Line

So basically, what you’ve got here is an awesome package.

16 awesome books + printables + ecourses + bonuses (buy here).  It’s worth hundreds…but it will cost you only $29.97.

Seriously, don’t waste your time experimenting and hoping for the best like I did.  Why would you, when you have this amazing collection at your fingertips?  You’ll have the info you need, right now, to help your family to better health.

If you’re not quite convinced that natural remedies are better — maybe you think they’re a good idea, but when your little one really isn’t feeling well, you still reach for the Tylenol — definitely come back on Friday.  I’ll be explaining why that’s not a good idea, and why we don’t use any OTC medications anymore.

Of course, this collection is the perfect answer to “what to do instead,” so no worries! 🙂

Do you use herbal remedies yet?  Why or why not?

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[wz2sseo]

18 SEO Tactics That Require Just 30 Minutes Every — SEO NYC & Digital Marketing

I feel SEO comes with a reputation for being meticulous and painstaking.

And perhaps that is accurate to a certain degree.

The initial phases of an search engine optimization campaign can, in fact, be grueling.

There’s on-site everybody’s favorite — SEO that is technical, also — SEO SEO.

So it may be sort of a nuisance.

There’s a large number of “fast fix” SEO approaches that take hardly any moment.

Many could be performed within 30 minutes.

Now, I’m not going to inform you that any specific technique will bring about massive results by itself.

But they may have a considerable impact and provide your search engine optimization campaign a nice boost, when done together with one another.

So let’s get right down to it now.

Listed below are 18 SEO tactics that will take you more.

1. Get installed on Google My Business

Local SEO is important, especially if you’re a business.

If you’ve been skimping on this component of SEO, you will want to devote a few minutes setting up a watch on Google My Business.

This enables you to edit all the info verify contact information, add images, track reviews, and much more.

This may give you a enormous edge over competitors who don’t capitalize on this strong resource.

2. Optimize your profile

Already have an eye on Google My Business?

Why don’t you devote a while sprucing it up and making certain that everything is “just perfect?”

Listed below are

Be certain all your organization advice is up-to-date

Add additional information such as hours, parking location, menu information, etc..

Pick certain categories (e.g., “fresh organic grocery shop” rather than just “supermarket”)

Change any amateurish looking images with broader, more professional ones

Encourage loyal customers to depart reviews

3. Get installed on Google Hunt Console

I adore Google Hunt Console!

If you are not using it, then you are leaving money on the desk and not getting the most.

Here’s a screenshot describing exactly what Google Search Console is: how

Although there is a wide array of features, here are some things you can do to improve your SEO:

Check who’s linking to your site

Check index standing

Monitor crawl errors

Manually submit new articles to be booted

4. Check your site’s rate

I am positive that you know precisely how critical site speed is.

It only takes a few seconds, and it will give you information on what you could do to speed this up.

Here’s the advice I got when I did a speed test for Quick Sprout:

5. Check your site’s mobile-friendliness

I believe that it’s safe to say that smartphones are a trend.

In reality, many experts labeled 2016 as “the tipping point” for hunt, when it eventually eclipsed search.

Research discovered that the average American spent 87 hours surfing in their smartphone in August 2016.

This will enable you to know what shape your site is in and also what measures you want to consider (if any) to solve any difficulties.

6. Improve URL construction

You’ve been blogging for awhile, possibly years.

Back in the day, you did not pay all that much attention to your posts’ structure.

Because of This, they seem something like that:

It is reasonable to say this isn’t going to do and it’s going to make it unnecessarily hard for search engine robots to decipher the significance of your articles.

To make your site more SEO-friendly, go back and enhance these URLs so that they seem like that:

7. Improve mediocre titles

Coming up with epic names for blog articles can be a little tricky occasionally.

Perhaps in the past, you ended up buying less than stellar names.

A fantastic way is to look over your articles to recognize.

Simply enter your search phrases, and it will generate 700 potential titles with a single click.

Here Is What happened when I entered “content marketing:”

8. Study AdWords ads to Boost titles and tags

Enter a keyword in Google, also check the ads that pop up out.

Look for awesome backup that you could possibly use for tags or titles.

Here.

He hunts for “glass water bottles” and comes up with these ads:

From there, he comes up with such phrases:

BPA-free

Keep you comfy

Durable

Reusable

So, why is this so wise? Think about it.

The phrases used such as these would be the result of extensive A/B testing, so that you know they receive clicks and conversions.

By incorporating you can save yourself an immense quantity of time and energy.

9. Locate dead links

Broken or dead links can be a real buzzkill.

Not only can they be disruptive to the visitors of your website, but additionally they won’t do.

However, You can identify any of these links

Type in your site’s URL, and it’ll do the job for you.

Go back, and then make some necessary repairs.

10. Do some inner linking

In a post on NeilPatel.com, I mention that I wrote a blog post every day for five years and gathered hundreds of articles.

But I made a mistake. Any of my articles that were relevant and I never connected!

Fortunately, I figured out simply by linking new articles to ones that my SEO can enhance.

I highly recommend taking a little bit of time to put up some inner links if you created the same mistake with your older content that I did with mine.

Even a 30-minute session must render your SEO in better shape than before.

11. Find link opportunities on Alltop

If you are unfamiliar with Alltop, it’s basically a directory where you can discover some of the world articles in one location.

Here Is What pops up when I input “content marketing:”

What you wish to do is spend a little time looking for link prospects.

Search in your business to see whether there are some bloggers with whom you can build relationships.

12. Find link opportunities on BuzzSumo

It is possible to use the same procedure .

Enter your search term, and you’re going to get a list of results.

Here Is What I get with “content marketing:”

From there, click on “View Sharers” on any articles that interest you.

You view a list of individuals who shared that post.

These can all be people with whom you may choose to form relationships, which could eventually translate into link-building/guest-blogging opportunities.

13. Offer your lower-ranking webpages a boost

I am sure that you know that having articles standing is worthless.

When there is a post ranked say # 42, it may also be ranked # 20,000,000.

Here is the way to enhance that.

Identify a few of your articles ranked on Google’s third or second pages.

These have gained some degree of traction but need a small boost to get on page one.

To get that boost, install some inner links.

From time to time, that is all it takes to receive them “over the hump” and on prime search engine real estate.

14. Goal two major business sites

This may be an old school tactic, but it could still end up being rather fruitful.

It involves locating two A+ business sites you had been unaware of.

As soon as you find them, render a few opinions that are awesome with a link.

On top of this, I suggest observing and subscribing some on Twitter with all the hopes of building relationships.

15. Claim your Bing list

I feel a great deal of marketers discount Bing.

It is like comparing David in terms of search engine market share to Goliath.

Bing receives a percent of overall searches.

Bing’s talk of the research market grew over Google’s this past April. To be accurate, Bing’s market share rose by 0.2 percent while Google’s dropped by 0.2 percent.

Google’s overall share of the US background search market has dipped below its previous 64 percent to 63.8 percent. Microsoft’s share of background search is now sitting at 21.6 percent.

Can Bing be overthrowing Google any time soon? Likely not.

But by claiming your Bing record there is still SEO juice to be had.

Sign up for Bing Places to claim, complete, and verify your record.

If you’re a more community organization, this may be especially useful.

16. Write detailed descriptions for videos

Do you place any videos?

If this is so, you may be passing up a golden prospect.

What I really mean is that you are probably failing to extract all of of the search engine optimization potential.

And this boils down to descriptions.

Writing a description such as this:

Brian Dean recommends leaving a 200+ word description such as this:

Not only will this help your rank improves but it can improve your ranking.

And it does not take that long.

17. Turn a standard post to some long-form post

By saying the truth that long-form content ranks better than, say, a normal post, I am not going to insult your intelligence.

But here’s a nice little trick that you can perform with content.

Start looking under 1,000 words, that is pretty good but never lived up to its potential, for a post that is shorter.

Then spend 30 minutes “up it” by adding more content, charts, charts, images, etc.. until it’s bona fide long-form articles.

18. Spy on competitors

In the end, it’s time to tap into your inner James Bond.

By doing this, I suggest “spying” on a few of the key competitors.

Just visit SEMrush and kind in their URL.

Within minutes, you can find info

Top natural key words

Organic position distribution

Backlinks

Best sourcing

Indexed pages

This will provide you with intel that enable you to be effective and could guide your search engine optimization effort.

Conclusion

SEO does not have to be back-breaking, mind-numbing work.

There is an abundance of SEO jobs that are smaller you can easily complete in 30 minutes.

Can allow you to measure up your SEO without an quantity of effort.

When you’re doing many (five or more), it can possibly lead to a significant breakthrough.

Have you got some other fast and effortless search engine optimization approaches up your sleeve?

from SEO Consultants – wz2s.net http://wz2s.net/18-seo-tactics-that-require-just-30-minutes-every-seo-nyc-digital-marketing/