#the cards want me to fuckin transition i guess!!!!!

[shineyfish]

Me: oh I'll do a card pull for funsies, see if there's anything I can get for the new year

The cards: YOU NEED TO TRANSITION. NOW.

Upright 8 Of Cups - Action, change, journey

Reversed High Priestess - Hidden Motive, Ignorance, Confusion

Upright Death - Transformation, Transition, Necessary Change

[sentientgopro]

Okay, so I know this might sound odd, but I kinda want to keep track of how my feelings have been changing seeing as my life just turned upside down a few days ago. Something feels weird about keeping a note to myself, idk why, For some reason I feel kore comfortable posting it to the internet. Well, I guess that is kinda the point of a blog? Anyway, if youre seeing this but not my last post on Monday, I think I cracked on Sunday Night.

That first post was comprised of how I was feeling Sunday Night- Monday Morning (10/11 Dec) and, well, I'm not going to repeat it. Monday was... weird. I didn't feel great, although thats not significantly out of the ordinary, but I was facing a difficult question I would rather not have to answer, especially when the obvious conclusion was such a difficult one to follow through and act on. It was a question Id rather die than face.

Monday evening was when I decided to start truly planning for the possibility. I may not know If Im right yet, and depending on how hard it may be, I was wondering if it was even worth it. Then I had a look at some trans timelines, and asked people about HRT options, and that was what changed my fuckin life. It was then that I saw how real this was and just how possible this was. The realisation that this was on the cards for me (after a 2 year wait) made me feel really fucking good. Like best Ive felt in a long time. Ive been running on fumes, a list of people to outlive, and "My cats would miss me" but this provided a positive reason to keep going, something to look forward to. For the first time in ages, I wanted to Carry On, not just felt like I had to. And this feeling/ realisation also helped in validating my feelings, that Im not just making it up.

And then came tuesday. The best day Ive had in a long time. I've heard people say "Transitioning may not solve all your problems, but it can make them feel worth solving" but I realised I had that in reverse. My problems are affecting my academic success, so to get out this house and get to Uni, I need to start fixing/ overcoming those problems. My problems feel worth solving so that I can get to transition. I got more done that day and focused easier than I have in a long time.

Later into Tuesday, I considered what my future could look like now. How might it affect other parts about me? I considered my Aroace identity, might it affect that? And I quickly realised I might not be Aro. Why could I see myself happily in a relationship in the future, as a girl, but not as a guy? Hell, I took the idea out of relationships, and realised I couldn't see a happy future at all as a guy. Ive known this for a while, and kinda brushed it off as "Modern society sucks ass" and "Who knows what the future holds" and shit like that, but if that was the case, I wouldnt see a happy future as a girl, which I do. This was another big help in feeling that Im not mistaken about my feelings, and also helps to explain why Ive always felt a little conflicted on my Aromanticism, because it wasn't. As for now, until I can transition, the label still fits. I still think Ill be Ace either way, but I cant know that until the time comes. It doesnt really matter, those labels can be pretty fluid, I shouldnt stress over it. The key takeaway here was that it seemed that Dysphoria was stopping me from wanting a relationship. Perhaps I was wrong about not feeling dysphoria, I think i might just have not been noticing it or understanding it.

I'm caught up to today, which hasn't really seen major developments. I acknowledged the fact that Ive been kinda subconsciously viewing myself as more feminine for years now, but I dont feel like that thought significantly leads anywhere beyond reinforcing how I feel. Most of my thought on this went towards music and lyrics, as now I have a whole new dimension of meanings to find in songs, completely changing how I see alot of them. For example, one song, that I havent been able to find any meaning to until now, has these lines across 2 different verses:

"I need time to break all the mirrors,

But my mind is in pieces and not ready to make it clearer,"

and

"Time to make it all clearer,

And if time never ceases I'll be ready to break the mirror"

After a quick google, the idea of "Breaking a mirror" means bad luck for years, before being okay, which can be interpreted to have fairly heavy parallels to a transition. The first version talks about needing to go through this period, but not being able to or not being ready. As much as I say I cant transition bc of living eith my controlling and transphobic parents, I also know I would not be ready to do it if that wasnt the case. But, as in the second version of these two lines, once I can make it all clearer, If I can just hold out until the end of the two years, if time keeps passing, I can break the mirror.

There are other parts of this song I like and find (questionable) trans meanings in, but these parts stand out. Song is "The Gift" by Kevin Sherwood and Elena Siegman for anyone wondering, I'd best describe it as Melodic heavy metal, heavy instrumentals courtesy of Kevin and beautiful vocal melody courtesy of Elena.

So that was pretty much my day today, finding little bits of meaning in various songs I already listen to. Although its only 2:30PM, there may be more to come later. Regardless, now that ive caught up, Im just going to be keeping every post as its own individual thought or topic. If you did actually read through this, thanks I guess? I dont know why I feel more comfortable writing this here than a private note. Ill only tag this with 196 because eh, why tf not.

[cosmic-navel-gazin]

I wrote the thing

spoilers below

The fact that the crash is saved til the very end of the film! God fuckin damnit I applaud that decision with my entire being.

Just-

the restraint.

The restraint you've got to have as a writer, as a director, to not use that trump card till the very very end. This is what people coming to see your film are craving for after all. This is what will sell tickets. We crave the destruction, we have that morbid curiosity.

But no. You are denied it for almost two hours. Which brings me to-

-THE BUILD UP TO THE CRASH!

You're teased about it the whole film with little snippets here and there, to the point that when you start feeling the ending coming, you've just given up on the fact that they're gonna show the crash to you. The film's focusing on the aftermath/what happens after the crash after all, and it's ok, you're (hopefully) invested in Max and Carla working through their trauma and have forgotten about this need to see the crash itself.

And then Bam!

Here's it is, you've wanted to see it the entire film and now that it's happening you're dreading every minute of it as it builds. Part of you doesn't want to see it now but here it is in all its horrifying splendor, now that Max is divested from his fugue state of (preconceived) invulnerability. All that delayed unprocessed trauma is here and it hits both Max and the viewer like a truck.

This isn't "a disaster film". The structure of it, the build-up and pay-off (the crash being juxtaposed with the 🍓 is sooooo goooooood), that's such a big part of what makes the crash so powerful. Like all good things I guess.

OH!

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT THE ACTUAL CRASHING, WITHOUT THE BUILD-UP, IS JUST LIKE

A MINUTE LONG!

O . N . E M . I . N . U . T. E

IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE A MINUTE LONG! IT MANAGES TO BE SO POWERFUL IN SPITE OF THAT, OR PERHAPS, BECAUSE OF THAT! That small window of time means that every shot, every detail, and the way everything's edited together counts. And fuck is that small amount of time used to its fullest.

I am still in shock that it's one minute like. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the timestamp of subsequent watches. One minute in this two hour film (almost 4 minutes if you count the bit before the crashing, with Max walking down the aisle to sit next to this kid ).

It's the cinematography.

It's the editing.

It's the way John de Lancie is desperately clinging to Jeff at the start, reluctantly and slowly letting go of his arm and hand, knowing what's gonna happen to him (or "how" it's gonna happen to him).

It's the fact that there are no sound effects during the crash, only Górecki - Symphony No.3 "Symphony of Sorrowful Songs", 1st Movement, when the "crash proper" happens, against the complete chaos on screen.

It's that a lot of the more horrific imagery is suggested rather than outright shown. A body will be sucked out of the plane in less than a second before you have time to process. It's the implications. It's the leaving room for imagination and for you to come to the conclusions.

It's how this whole segment transitions from a more realistic depiction to the abstract as we get closer to death! It's THIS!

It's probably a hundred other things too.

Watched Fearless 1993 and it fucked me up fam

more than I thought it would

[hoe4almondmilk]

Safety Net: Chapter 2

Present! Carol Denning/Reader 

It’s been three days since you’ve been at max and it’s been honestly quite awful. You stared at the tray of food in front of you poking at it with your fork instead of eating it, you weren’t hungry and you were restless from not being able to sleep. Who could even sleep here? The lights are on constantly.

“Making art, (L/N)?” you looked up to see who the familiar voice belonged to, it was Piper with her fiancée Alex. Piper was starting to become a little more tolerable now that she was reunited with Alex. You were happy for them and honestly glad to have them here with you even if you were never particularly close with either of them during your time up at camp. 

“I don’t know if I’d call it art but it’s something.” you chuckled, continuing picking at the food. “I miss camp, I feel like I'm always on edge here.” 

“I definitely agree with that, sleeping with this fuckin broken arm hasn’t been pleasant.” Alex replied as she began eating her food. God, you almost felt nauseous watching someone eat. Food disgusted you right now. “You’re not pulling a Sister Ingalls are you?” Alex asked half jokingly but also sounding a little concerned.

“No, I just haven’t had much of an appetite lately, I feel sick looking at food, it’s probably just my anxiety. Also the food here looks repulsive..” you sighed. 

“I don’t blame you, I would feel anxious too if I was sharing a bunk with the head of C-Block.” said Piper.

You turned your head to the left over where Carol was, she was playing cards surrounded by her posse. You and Carol haven’t really spoken much or been around each other since she basically scared you off the other day. It was kind of an unspoken rule, if Carol was in the room you stayed out of her way and hung around somewhere else until she came out which was pretty often since she was mostly out here playing cards. You were so deep in thought you forgot you were still looking in carol’s direction when you snapped back to reality you saw her staring straight at you with an emotionless expression, you quickly looked away. 

“She’s actually not that bad, I mean besides telling me to get the fuck out the other day. She’s quiet and clean. except for when she’s looking at those magazines of men, that’s when it gets a little uncomfortable. I feel more sorry for you being bunkmates with Badison, Chapman.” you chuckled as Piper’s eyes rolled hearing her roomie’s name. 

“Oh please don’t get her started, it will never end.” Alex groaned, rubbing her temple with her functioning hand. 

“She’s giving you trouble?” You asked, actually concerned. 

“Trouble doesn’t even begin to describe it. She’s a bully!” Piper exclaimed. “There is something deeply wrong with her.” Piper was normally a pretty dramatic person but you knew she wasn’t exaggerating when she was talking about Badison. You’ve only known Badison for a few days but there really was something wrong with her. 

“I think there’s something deeply wrong with everyone here.” Alex replied. “They’re in maximum security for a reason.” 

“I wonder what Carol did.” You said thinking out loud. “Everyone obeys her, shit even Badison is scared of her.”

“All I know is that one of her girls, Creech, is my bunkmate and I want no trouble.” Alex said, continuing to eat her food. 

“Aw, look at that, all of the new cookies eatin’ together. What is this a fuckin pride parade?” you recognized that god awful bostonian accent, it was Badison as she began to sit down at your table. 

“Well you know what they say about us gays, we hang out in flocks.” Alex replied sarcastically. You couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.

“I would’ve never guessed you were a carpet muncher, Mouse. I guess you learn something new everyday.” said Badison. “I better be careful, don’t want you developing a crush on me or anything.” 

“I’m picky with my women, you have nothing to worry about.” Your eyes widened realizing you said that out loud. It would’ve been an awkward silence if it wasn’t for Alex’s small chuckles.

“Oh you’re a funny little thing, now aren't you?” Badison replied, still shocked by what you just said.

“I meant that I'm not really interested in dating while i’m in prison, you know?” you said trying to cover your ass for what you just said. 

“I got what you meant.” Badison said slowly coming closer to you. “You should really be more careful with who you smart off too though. Don’t wanna start off on the wrong foot with anyone here. Remember what I said on your first day. We can make you want to live or die.” Badison whispered and walked her way over towards Carol.

“I’m so fucked.” You said worryingly.

“Badison’s not gonna do shit, she just wants to scare you two.” Alex said, trying to comfort you. 

You nodded. You looked over your shoulder once more to see Badison next to Carol as she played a card game with the other girls. You couldn’t help but feel a small pit of worry in your stomach. 

Later that evening a few hours before lights out, you decided to go take a shower, something you had been avoiding for the past few days. It’s not that you were unhygienic, it's just you had been slightly depressed from the big transition of moving from up the hill to down the hill. 

You took a quick look around the shower room, thank god it was empty. Empty showers were a rarity in any prison. 

It was when you were washing your hair that you heard a couple of footsteps walking in. Well, that was a nice five minutes of peace and quiet. You ignored it and continued to rinse the shampoo out of your hair. Suddenly, you felt an arm wrap around your chest and something pointy and sharp being pressed against your right jugular. 

“If you scream, I swear to god I will push this into your neck. You got that?” You nodded trying to hold back your tears. The arms around you flip you over and you’re faced to see two of Badison’s friends Eckelcamp and Teng. 

“What did I do?” you asked quietly and shakily, almost choking trying to hold back your tears. You’ve mostly kept to yourself this whole time here, actively trying to avoid any trouble, you certainly don’t remember doing anything to these two. This is the first time you’ve even spoken to them.

“You disrespected Badison, bitch.” Eckelcamp said, still extremely close to your face. She wrapped her hand around your neck tightly with the shiv still firmly pressed against your neck. You were barely able to breathe. “Next time Badison talks to you, have some fucking manners.” she said slamming your back hard against the shower wall. You did your best to hold back a yelp. Getting stabbed in the neck with a dirty shiv was not the move for today.

“Next time you see her, apologize.” said Teng, “We’ll be watching. Let’s get out of here before a CO comes.” 

Eckelcamp nodded in agreement and looked at you once more and yanked your hair pulling you down to the hard wet tile of the bathroom and left. 

You waited till you heard their footsteps disappear to crawl into a ball and sob under the now cold running water of the shower. So this is what Badison meant when she said live or die. Your hands gently rubbed your possibly bruised neck. You finished your shower and got dressed before anyone walked in and saw you like this. 

Once you returned to the common room, your eyes scanned the room for Badison. You looked over at Carol’s table, her usual spot but she was absent. You met eyes with Eckelcamp and Teng. Ignoring them you made your way to Badison and Piper’s cell. You really hated the fact that you were being practically forced to apologize to her but this bitch was not worth a stab in the neck with a dirty shiv. 

Once you got to the cell you saw Badison laying on her bunk and Piper in hers reading a book. You lightly knocked on the open door. 

“Hey, (L/N).” Piper said smiling but her smile quickly faded almost as if she could sense something not right with you.

“Hey, Chapman.” you smiled trying to not seem suspicious, as much as you liked Piper she had a tendency to involve herself in situations that she didn’t belong in. 

“The fuck do you want, Mouse?” Badison asked sarcastically as she laid up from her bunk. She knew exactly what the fuck you wanted. 

“I was wondering if I could have a word with you.” You asked. “Out here. In Private.”

“Whatever you need to say you can say it here with me and Gapman.”

“Please, Badison.” You were trying to hide the impatience in your voice. Piper was already looking at you suspiciously. 

“Only because you said please.” Badison said she climbed down her bunk making her way out the bunk. 

You walked over under the stairs. “I wanted to formally apologize to you for disrespecting you.” You said trying to sound sincere.

“I see you met Eckelcamp and Teng.” She chuckled looking at your neck. “Oh, those are gonna be some ugly bruises tomorrow.” 

“It’s not like I have anyone to look beautiful for here.” you said rubbing your neck.

“Aw, you don’t wanna look pretty for your lesbo girlfriends.” Badison said, as she made a pouty face.

“You mean Chapman and Vause? Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we’re dating eachother.” You were actually confused. Was she actually that dumb?

“What?” She looked visibly confused. “Anyway, That was a shitty apology.”

“What do you want from me, Badison?” You said already fed up.

“I don’t like you. I can look past that though if you fill up my commissary for the next two weeks. Don’t be stingy with me, (L/N). I know you got plenty of money.” She said with that sleazy fucking smile.

“Fine, deal.” You really didn’t want to do this but you also didn’t want anymore trouble with Badison or the rest of Carol’s gang.

“I accept your apology.” Badison said.

As you were about to turn around to leave you felt Badison’s foot slide under yours causing you to trip and fall hard on the ground. You heard Badison let out a loud laugh. You could feel your eyes well up with tears again and this time you didn’t even bother to stop them from flowing. Let them see you cry, you didn’t care anymore. 

“Oops.” Badison said as she continued to laugh.

“(L/N), are you okay?” You heard Piper's voice as she tried to help you up. You must have hit the floor hard enough if Piper heard you fall from her cell.

“I’m fine, Chapman. Just go, don’t make this worse for the both of us.” You snapped as you stood up from the ground. You wanted to yelp from the shock of pain that shot through your body. 

You looked over to see everyone at Carol’s table laughing, except for Carol. Your red puffy tear filled eyes locked with hers for a second. You looked away embarrassed. You hurried as fast as you could up the stairs to your cell. You wanted to lay down and hope you woke up from this fucking nightmare.

As soon as you reached your cell you climbed to the top bunk and crawled up into a small ball and just sobbed. You hated being seen as weak here. You didn’t like giving these people that power over you but you couldn’t help it. You were so wrong on your first day, you were finally beginning to crack. You weren’t sure how long you were crying but your sobs finally turned to small sniffles. 

“You new cookies really do crumble quickly.” You heard that stern cold voice say. You lifted your head up to meet eyes with Carol. This is the second time she’s ever actually spoken to you. You quickly wiped your tears away. “Are you gonna say something or are you just gonna keep looking at me all pitiful?” Carol said as she leaned against the wall of the cell with her arms crossed. 

“I don’t really have anything to say.” You continued to sniffle. “At least not without having to worry about getting shanked in the shower.” 

“Oh, so that explains your neck.” Carol chuckled.

Damn was it really that noticeable already?

“I thought you would’ve known, your girls are the ones who did it.” You replied with a slight attitude putting your head back down. 

“Whatever Badison has the other girls do has nothing to do with me.” Carol replied. 

“I’ve been here for three days and you’ve never bothered to speak to me. Why the sudden change?” You asked. 

“Am I bothering you?” Carol replied almost as if she was slightly offended.

“No, you’re not. Sorry, that sounded a lot ruder than it did in my head.” You rubbed your eyes, Please don’t beat my ass. You prayed. You had enough ass beatings for the rest of your sentence.

“I’m talking to you because I believe you have potential, (L/N).”  Carol said with a slight smirk.

“Potential?” You asked, confused. What the hell does she mean by that?

“I want you to work for me. I can tell you’re smarter than most of these other girls here. It also makes sense considering the fact that we are sharing a cell together.” Carol said. She did have a point. Carol was not someone to be enemies with. 

“I mean I guess. Look Carol, I’m just trying to keep my nose clean, do my time and-“

“And what? Avoid getting in any trouble? What happens if you get into another disagreement with another inmate and she starts a fight with you? You’re gonna get fed up with being someone’s punching bag and you’ll fight back. The COs aren’t going to see it as self defense. They’ll happily throw you into the SHU and add more time onto your sentence. Stick by me and I’ll make sure Badison or any other girls never lay a finger on you.” Carol did make a good point. “See me as a type of safety net, if you will.”

“Can you give me time to think about it?” You asked not sure if you would be able to do it.

“The offer is off the table then. Continue getting your ass beat. It’s not hurting me.” Carol said, trying to hide her annoyance. 

You sat and thought about it for a minute. You knew you weren’t going to be able to just continue getting beat on. You were going to break at some point. You looked up at Carol and took a deep breath in. 

“Okay, I’ll do it.” You had three years left on your sentence, that’s not a lot of time, you could do this. 

“Shake on it.” Carol said coming up to you with her hand out. 

You looked at her, a small smile forming at the corners of your lips. “Okay, boss.” You said as you shook her hand.

“Sit down here kid, I’m gonna show you how to play Bridge.” Carol said sitting on her bed as she began to shuffle a deck of cards.

“Bridge? Is that the game you’re always playing?” you asked as you slowly began to crawl off the top bed. Trying to ignore the pain in your sore arms and legs.

“Yep, It’s best I teach you now, you’re going to be playing a lot of it.” Carol said, laying out the cards in front of you as you sat down. “Shall we begin?” 

What the hell am I getting myself into. You thought to yourself as you watched Carol explain bridge to you.

Chapter 3 here

[byhaeseong]

━♡ guess the 23 YEAR OLD SEPTEMBER baby just arrived to dallyeog! it makes sense, because MOON HAESEONG is just as MELANCHOLIC as the month of SEPTEMBER. wait, why do they remind me of NAM YOONSOO? beyond that, they seemed CHARMING & KEEN upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of TEMPERAMENTAL & DESTRUCTIVE though. i hope they get acquainted here in APARTMENT 9 / FLOOR 4 ; HE seems to have a lot going on with HIS job as AN ELECTRICIAN.

okay,,, let’s try this again. i’m chey (21, she/her, gmt-5) & i’m here to introduce you to dallyeog’s september baby  —  moon haeseong. i personally view september as a month of transition/change, so that’s how i’ve chosen to portray haeseong. he’s been through a lot so far and the leaves of his life are beginning to change color and fall off; hopefully, he’s headed towards a brighter spring, but he still has a long way to go. you can view his (unfinished) stats page here, his pinterest board here and learn more about him below the cut!

personality.

virgo   /   the virgin.   guarded, critical, defensive, impulsive, tense, intelligent, kind-hearted, bold, hard worker, reliable, playful. haeseong values privacy over anything else. he can’t stand overbearing types who feel the need to know and see everything, but at the same time, he can be like that, too. but hearing that he’s hypocritical rarely surprises anyone  —  he has a tendency to criticize certain behaviors in others, but excuses the same behaviors in himself because he feels like he’s justified with how he acts. it’s difficult to get close to him and ever more difficult to get him to open up about himself, as he always seems to be on guard, like there’s a threat lying in wait. nonetheless, he’s a kind-hearted guy underneath all that tension, criticism and anger and it shows in small ways, such as how he goes out of his way to help his neighbors and always sticks to his promises. once you’ve made a friend of him, he’s honest, funny and playful. he likes to laugh just as much as he likes to make others laugh.

history.

he was born into a well-off family, but his parents were the overbearing types that he absolutely can’t stand, so he often felt suffocated. he hated how controlling they were towards him and how manipulative they were towards people who worked with/for them, so he ended up running away from home at sixteen and dropping out of school.

parents begged him to come back, tried to bribe him and then threatened to cut off his card  —  he didn’t listen to any of it, didn’t really care, and once he started getting into legal trouble a couple months later, they disowned him.

legal trouble as in destruction of public property, vandalism, underage drinking, displays of violence. has never done anything that could get him in long-term trouble, but has stayed in trouble p much non-stop since 2013.

has problems controlling his anger, which is what usually leads to him doing things he shouldn’t. all you gotta do is look at him wrong and he’ll smash the windshield of your car. i would not suggest testing this..... </3

anyway! he lied a lot to get part-time jobs, learned how to be independent and how to take care of himself quickly. pretty much always got fired for getting into legal trouble and his bosses just didn’t wanna deal with....... that.

he’s FINALLY! finally trying to move past all of that, though. moved in to the dallyeog apts with the intention of starting fresh in a place where no one knows him (hopefully,,,,) and got his current job as an electrician, which he needs to stay out of trouble if he wants to keep. he def wants to keep it because it pays a lot more than the night shift at a convenience store u know

MAYBE he’s in legal trouble rn though...... MAYBE he’s on probation and has to do community service every fuckin weekend if he doesn’t wanna go to jail again.....

who can say for sure? ask him about it and he’ll get snappy, so there’s no telling.

other.

i’m a big fan of associating characters with songs, so some that i associate with haeseong are:  landfill by daughter, shaylee, shanel by hot mulligan, i think your nose is bleeding by the front bottoms, cotton candy by yungblud, i know places by taylor swift, thank me later by onlychild, sps by hot mulligan, randy, i am the liquor by free throw, start again by dinosaur pile-up and ready for more by sea girls.

despite having problems with anger and being guarded, he’s by no means a recluse. in fact, he loves to be around people & almost always seems to be in a relationship, although they hardly ever last. 

in regards to his neighbors, though... he prob does try to keep his distance from them just bc he knows how easy it is to get pissed off at a neighbor and he does NOT wanna do anything to ruin his rep.

if you have any electrical issues in your apartment, feel free to ask him to take a look. he’ll p much fix anything for free if he knows how. kind of out of the goodness of his heart, kind of just bc he needs people to like him and ~trust him~ in case he gets into trouble again and needs to be bailed out. mf has no family who would come and no close friends.

he’s also 187cm so if you need to reach something, he’s ur guy.

probably ruining his apartment by smoking cigarettes inside but please don’t tell the landlord.

genuinely wants to be good. wants to be good so so desperately, doesn’t know why tf he has to be so destructive and cause trouble all the time. kinda hates himself for it on the dl but we don’t talk about that

[cviperfan]

Okay so partially motivated by how many references there were in SPoP and largely bc it's been in my backlog for years and I remembered the whole thing got uploaded to youtube a while ago, I finally got around to watching Revolutionary Girl Utena for the first time so time for some hot takes

2 clarify I did see the movie about around 2000 which was my introduction to the series, and I did see like 1 episode back in anime club (over a decade ago now tbh) but for the most part I went into this with only a vague sense of the ending and offhand knowledge of a few of the weird comedy episodes so this was mostly a blind watch

Before getting into #spoilers I will say that this ended up being an easy Top 5 and that it's definitely still worth watching (fair warning for the very frequent rape and incest (and sometimes both)), especially if you've somehow also avoided most of the context of this show like me, and it really is one of the rare Nothing Else Like It kind of show (though it has roots in older shoujo like Rose of Versailles and modern stuff like Revue Starlight have picked up its lede)

Okay spoilers from here on

I really only kinda have vague memories of the more knightly take on Utena from the movie so Series!Utena having this powerful Dumb Jock Energy threw me

Like she's out here invoking the Air Bud Rule from minute one

This bit where Akio is going on about some Important Life Lesson thing and she's just fuckin

crab walking im

what a hero i love her

I have always kinda been more partial to shoujo than shounen bc the sense of like emotional urgency and the heightened exaggerated feelings are just more compelling to me narratively and what Utena does spectacularly is really drive that to fucking 11 and it permeates every aspect of the show

Like the melodrama of it all is so shameless and it's so committed to letting its visuals and music drive the mood and emotional intensity of its stakes that they kind of speak for themselves and demand to be taken on their own terms rather than having clear or rigid interpretations

Like it's kind of a situation of "yes most of what you're seeing ties into the show's bigger themes and characterization but also you can just vibe to the spectacle as well" like even when it's not on the Dueling Arena there's a theatricality underlying everything that pairs perfectly with the spirit of shoujo even as it... not necessarily contradicts it, but challenges it in some ways and also wants to coexist with it?

And I think that's the interesting thing how it wants to tackle some of these arch concepts tied into the genre while also being deeply intertwined with it.  Like it really is a Product Of Its Time in so many ways but it also feels somehow timeless and transgressive in others even now?

Like part of me would be interested to see a remake that took into account 23 years of conversation about how much perceptions of gender and sexuality have changed but at the same time would it lose some essential part of itself in that transition?  idk potentially

Also lbr a hypothetical remake wouldn't even attempt to revise anything it would just redo it thus making it pointless

So I know this has been a thing that's been brought up before but seeing it play out dang RGU and NGE really are just companion pieces to each other huh

Subverting the themes and narrative arcs of their respective genres, mysterious quiet girl who's directly the key to everything, the ritual of action setpieces rendered as Actual Ritual in the story, banger OP, comphet ruining everyone's lives

Also they really don't have much in common comparatively but I'm definitely seeing pieces of Utena in Kill la Kill too?  Particularly how Mako's arc feels like a fleshing out and expansion from the archetype divergence Wakaba got in that one ep (I can't believe klk was the utena/wakaba au fanfic)

Speaking of which damn he is a sleazy bastard and a gross predator but ngl Akio can Get It he and Ragyo are basically the same character and I guess this is just my type apparently???? oops

Like I'm recognizing how like really awful he is but also you really can't blame Utena for crushing on him he is super hot and charming

aside i lost it at the audacity of "well even tho i am a man like twice your age (AT LEAST) and took advantage of the situation and also i am clearly not the type to take no for an answer since you didn't reject me you're basically just as bad as me" bruh

The Black Rose Arc is... interesting bc like it borders on superfluous with how it resolves and yet the introduction of a "monster of the week" type power rangers element specifically built to expand on the secondary cast is a pretty inspired choice

again my primary point of introduction to the series was the movie which is basically a remix of the Student Council arc so when I got to 12 I was like wth are they gonna fill the rest of this with? WELP

What I really like about it is that usually this kind of setup-- the 'character is faced with their dark inner thoughts they shy away from and they become a short-term enemy' deal-- ends with the char in question coming to terms with this and overcoming it to become a better person

but here it's just like... they lose and then they just gotta... sit with that, forever.  Like it doesn't really change the status quo of their relationships w/ utena or the others but it does just stick around for them and now the audience knows that about them too.  like sometimes you just can't take that shit back.

Utena's relationship to queerness, having heard about it tangentially for years but seeing it play out now is also interesting bc while in the grand scheme it doesn't feel necessarily any more ahead of its time than something like Cardcaptor Sakura there is a casualness to it that's distinct

Like for the most part it's either kind of the tangential fluff that even then was part of shoujo as a standard but then there's also stuff like the Akio/Touga or Touga/Saionji hinting or Kozue's casual pass at Anthy in addition to the maintext Juri/Shiori push-pull and ofc the subtext-but-maintext Utena/Anthy threads

I wanna take a moment to talk about Juri bc of how kind of in the spirit of the show itself it plays things both with and against the grain with her

Like she's a Tragic Lesbian which is nothing new but usually this character type (and Distinctively Lesbian characters in general) in anime/manga tend to be portrayed as being very predatory, invasive and either played for laughs or to repulse the audience, so the degree of empathy RGU shows her in 97 is rare to see even now.  

Like there is a "safeness" to her bc of how unattainable Shiori is (though their arc ends in a decidedly ambiguious way), but it doesn't really feel like she's getting the short end of the stick over the more straight-leaning characters bc arguably all of the relationships here are defined by an aspect of chasing the unattainable, echoing Utena's own quixotic search for her Prince, and her choosing to remain closeted feels realistic *especially because* of the surrounding context of how heteronormative the world she exists in is.  Like the character is aware of that and is navigating it in a way that feels honest

Speaking of which it's interesting how the reveal of Juri's pining for Shiori in Ep 7 echoes the bigger reveal of Utena/Anthy bc of how it plays up this heterocentric love triangle or at least it seems to be but then the cards are on the table and no that's really not what it is at all, and it feels significant that after spending most of the series naively oblivious to Juri’s feelings and what she wants out of a relationship with Shiori that Utena finally Gets It in Ep 37

Is it a coincidence Juri actually gets to be the one to point it out? No

Speaking of triangles big ups to the Ruka/Juri/Shiori one honestly bc of how hard it commits to the unknown third result of a LT where absolutely no one comes out happy and it actually works even with the handicap of Ruka basically coming out of nowhere just for these two episodes

Like all three of them want the one person who's absolutely never gonna love them back and that's just rough buddy and isn't that kinda the show in a nutshell

So the thing that struck me about Utena/Anthy and how it plays out is how subtle it really is.  And that does make sense bc while f/f teasing/subtext again was part of shoujo before it's quite a different thing for the heroine to ultimately reject her 2 male love interests and choose a life with her female best friend, esp in nineteen ninety seven

Like I think you can argue that Ep 12 feels like The Moment where What Their Relationship Is, Definitely shifts and that possibility is suddenly there, and then it doesn't come back in a big way until the ending but there are tiny glimpses throughout where you can see that working in the background if you’re really paying attention

Small things like Anthy's flashes of unspoken jealousy, Utena fretting over her even when she's in bed with Akio, and part of that is coming from going in with a knowledge of what the endgame is and keeping an eye out for it.  I can hardly imagine being a viewer during the og broadcast and then ep 34 comes and suddenly the intent is made clear and our understanding of the inciting incident gets all flipped turned upside down

And to a modern viewer I can get coming into this for the first time and being frustrated at just how close to the chest it gets played, but that's also kind of the only way it gets to happen at that point in time?  But I think it ultimately is effective and vital to their individual arcs and dovetails nicely with the themes of the show

Like I remember hearing that original manga creator Chiho Saito was pretty against their paired ending, but with a lot of convincing from Ikuhara ultimately came around to it, and it's hard to imagine the anime's ending working any other way and being nearly as impactful

And there is something really beautiful about the bucking against the established idea of yuri relationships being a childish concept that gets left behind in order to 'grow up' actually becoming the impetus of their own journeys into adulthood and eventually back to each other, and it’s hard not to feel a little disappointed that for this Bold Step and declaration for the future that RGU takes that while yuri is more common than ever it largely continues to exist within the realm of schoolgirls and something to be left behind in adolescence like for RGU’s faults and shortcomings it saw this world of possibility in moving forward, while the genre largely elected to stand still

And it really speaks to either the timelessness of the show or how much the queer experience has remained constant that even with a tragic ending, that hope, or rather the promise of their reunion, feels bold and defiant and genuinely uplifting even now

Like the moment where just before they reach out to each other one final time, and their voices as children speak out to each other, as if finally fulfilling a promise they barely remember, I really did just start ugly crying

Lastly some assorted closing thoughts--

-Touga?  Punk.  Guy really takes advantage of Utena's whole prince thing to manipulate her, ends up losing to her in the rematch and then fucks off to mope for like AN ENTIRE SEASON then pops back up "oh yea im in love with her literally nothing else about my behavior has changed tho" like lmao you tried i guess

-Also i know Touga's design is p stock standard bishounen ojou-sama type but god this is all i can think about when I see him

- Green Touga Saionji is a bitch-ass motherfucker but like he at least tried more than anyone else so uh that's something I guess?????

Like the guy clearly has some unresolved feelings about Touga so i'm inclined to be sympathetic bc wow poor choice my dude but also... bitch-ass motherfucker

-Nanami really went through this thing for me where it's like... she's a brat and a shitty person but it's also hard to really dislike her bc she does get what she deserves most of the time and also she gets kinkshamed more than most of the cast despite none of them really having a high ground over her lol

-Miki did nothing wrong (aside from like the implied incest but that's also like... half the relationships in this show uh)

sidenote I can completely see the notable excess of Incest Subtext/Maintext being intended as like... A Thing to comment on how common it is within shoujo and also tying in to like the bigger themes of Growing Up bc the idea that you’re chasing after your own damn siblings betrays some freudian inability to mature or whatever but tbqh it doesn’t always feel like the show knows the line between commenting on this and indulging in it and RGU is very indulgent by its own nature so I really can’t blame people put off by the show as a whole bc this is an area where RGU is largely indistinguishable from its genre peers

-Juri really did nothing wrong tho also props for having the best duels

-FUCK SHIORI THO for eel 

so obviously i have not seen the show up to now but I've been in yuri circles for a long time so I knew about Juri/Shiori and my perception of it had always been "oh it's one of those kinda messy with complicated feelings" kinda ships where the drama is a big part of the appeal and that's true but like

the actual nature of it I did not realize up to now and OH SHIORI'S REALLY THAT BITCH HUH

So not only does she date that one anonymous guy specifically to spite Juri unaware she doesn't actually like him BUT THEN WHEN THEY GET REUNITED SHE'S JUST LIKE LOL IT DIDNT MATTER BUT HEY WE COOL RIGHT *AND THEN* when she finds out about Juri's feelings she's like HELL YEA I CAN HANG THIS OVER HER HEAD FOREVER FUCK HER

***AND THEN*** when she gets some karma after Ruka dumps her ass she airs her dirty laundry out in front of EVERYBODY like Juri hasn't been dealing with this shit like an absolute champ the whole time like?????

Like ok i get that there's the sad longing drama there and usually that's my jam and the show itself seems to end on kind of an ambiguous note and the follow-up manga from this year seems to leave it as kind of a "maybe" but I'm sorry get Juri a better GF 2020 she deserves better

I saw some Juri/Wakaba going through the tumblr tag for the show and honestly that's some big brain shit I'm here for it

Also now knowing exactly how this dynamic operates it really makes that Jasper/Lapis reference pic one of the SU crew drew of them read very.... interestingly???????? (tho Lapis' design reads a lot closer to Kozue and that's probably a closer personality analogue too)

-I love that thing in ep 37 where the whole SC is just very casually like hey utena if the whole revolutionizing the world thing with anthy doesn't work out uhhh call me im free haha just kidding unless...? lmao

-I'm pretty uninclined to try to pin precise sexuality HCs to characters for series this old where the ambiguity is part of how its danced around like partly coming from my own experience I'm inclined to read Utena as bi but that really is just coming from me?

But on the other hand literally every time a guy is like "i love you utena come be happy with me and we can love each other forever" she's like "k" after having left them on read for a day and disconnects from them entirely so lesbian going through comphet is a pretty valid read i think lol

-Lastly I think it’s pretty interesting but validly frustrating how fast and loose the show’s relationship with dream logic and non-traditional storytelling really is like when the shadow girls show up I was like “oh this is a greek chorus thing and it’s meant to reflect on the themes of the episode” (or uh in the case of exactly Ep 29 to break from tradition and explicitly tell us what a characters deal is lmao) but then no actually turns out they’re actually real characters who exist within the show too fuck you

ANYWAY I really did love this show and felt like I got a lot out of it despite it being pretty infamously hard to decipher but the ways it's inscrutable appeal to me specifically so very happy with this I'm gonna be thinking about it for a while

[thrumples]

SPN S15 Live-blogging: Episode 1

spoilers under the cut

- i’m only on the intro. what the FUCK is up with this editing?? - it’s just zooming in on people’s faces with this fuckin wack song playing in the bg - this makes the s14 finale look like a joke - ok here we actually go - 1:49– it opens on jack’s burnt out eyes that’s fucking disgusting - 1:55– im sorry i really can’t take this seriously with this song asfkskskshsdhskskjlsh - 2:40– bro wtf how strong is cas?? he just Yoinked jack’s body up off the ground with like no effort - man i. i really can’t take this shit seriously with this song - 3:13– ok we finally got to the intro. i actually kinda like this title card, it’s very glowy - 3:30– askfhsks these zombies are just. Striding right up to the crypt door. no dramatic stumbling or anything they’re literally just walking. they are making some neat zombie noises tho - i miss when this show used to be good - 4:27– i forgot to turn my subtitles on until now and then was smacked in the face with “cass” - 5:31– what is up with this random camera zooming - 5:54– dean stop shouting - i got so used to the wonderful writing of good omens that i got kinda knocked off my feet here with how much this show has gone downhill - 7:02– WOAH HANG ON HANG HANG ON JACK WTF ARE YOU DOING - “hello!” BRUH IM LOSING IT - he’s a DEMOn AKDHAJSGSNSISGAKHSKBSKH - 8:01– “my name is Belphegor” bruh WHAT is going ON - “you’re an abomination with that stupid dumb trench coat” he’s not wrong the olive green makes him look terrible - 8:35– those sunglasses, i can’t take him seriously in those sunglasses man - 9:50– *angrily* “we are not twinsies” i really didn’t think i’d hear cas say that - bel looks like he just came back from the area 51 raid - 11:10– oh they’re all dead! fun - 11:38– bruh that transition i can’t even deal with this goddamn show anymore - 11:52– this is not how regular teenage girls talk to each other - 11:56– tHats not how cellphones work either - 12:16– “divorce is awesome” - 12:43– when did this show start getting worse? i think it was season 6 - it certainly keeps getting even worse - i feel like i’m watching riverdale - also what’s up with all these disney ads - 13:48– the subtitles call him Bel and since i can’t remember or pronounce his actual name that’s the only way i’m gonna refer to him from now on - 14:42– ooh! red paint! - 14:48– whoever is in charge of the music for this show should be fired - 15:22– AW HELL YEAH WOMAN IN WHITE WE GOIN BACK TO THE PILOT EPISODE BABEY - 15:46– why does jared constantly look like he’s about to start crying - 16:17– that is a BIG ASS GARAGE - 17:00– i feel like that kid should be freaking out a whole lot more than she actually is - like she’s just kinda crying, if i was in that situation i would be curled up in a ball on the floor screeching - 17:31– this feels like a car ad - 17:45– sir please stop snarling you’re making me uncomfortable - also is he wearing a sock on his head? - 18:25– well fuck that i guess we don’t get to see what happens - 18:54– crowley jr - 19:53– can bel, like,,,, see? he doesn’t have eyes but he saw dean put the gun away,,, - 20:10– “so people are like, crazy good-looking now, huh?” bel you’ve just become my new fav demon - 20:19– dean that was the exact same reaction i had - 20:46– is bel bi - 21:15– “he was our kid” - idek what i wanted to write for that i just wanted to put that down - 21:53– yknow sam most people don’t like it when you just. open their doors and come in with a shotgun - also why are these people leaving their doors unlocked - 22:07– these houses are extremely cookie-cutter, they have the same furniture and everything - also wtf is up with these random pulsating noises i can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a heartbeat or not - 22:37– oh look more red paint - wait is this the house with the sockhead clown? - 23:04– so the ghosts just kinda. only showed up in this one specific town huh - don’t some of them have relics that they’re supposed to be attached to? - also this is completely off track but uhh WHO REMEMBERS THAT GHOST FROM SEASON 1 THAT THEY TRAPPED IN THE SEWER BUT NEVER KILLED?? BC THAT MF IS STILL FUCKIN THERE - 23:22– bloody mary just looks like she’s wearing a shitty Party City costume - 23:53– bruh how did those two get up onto that shelf in the time before the clown got into the garage?? - also how long have they been up there?????? - OH SHIT THE CLOWN i definitely didn’t see this coming - /s - 24:36– oh shit sam actually got cut - also quit singing dude you’re off-key - 24:47– AYY CAS COMIN IN TO SAVE SAM’S ASS - hang on my subtitles stopped working - 25:22– “move your exquisite ass Please” - 25:45– oh we got s4 references - 26:30– “wait every door? even the cage?” WHAT - WAIT HANG ON - THAT MEANS - ADAM!!!!!! - 27:07– alright cas i’m pretty sure you just completely shifted this woman’s spirituality - 27:30– sam you can’t just talk about shooting god in front of other people - 28:00– uhhhh eXcuse mE was that DEMON SAMMY - sam: receives a mortal wound that contains properties he’s never seen before - also sam: “i’m fine” - 28:43– oh no something’s about to happen to this poor sheriff - 28:48– I HATE IT WHEN IM RIGHT - 29:27– goddamnit what is up with these stupid pulsating noises?? - bel: sees dead body - bel: “cool” - also i’ve gotten the same migrane medication ad like three times while watching this - 30:05– i guess you could technically call this town a ghost town now - 30:54– lmao that throw looked Super fuckin fake - 31:01– *menacingly shimmies toward ghost with shotgun* - 31:03– “it’s okay, it’s just one ghost” how do i know that something’s gonna grab that kid and drag her right into that pond - 31:26– ASJSHSKHJSYBKSJSK cas just looks so pissed off about being shot - 31:40– local demon thinks he can deter a spirit by saying “bad ghost” - 32:16– well technically i was wrong and right bc something came out of the pond but it grabbed the mom - also is this kid okay? - 32:36– bel says “anime” - 34:14– hey sam maybe you should check how many shotgun shells you have left before you try to take on 4 ghosts at once - better yet why don’t you RUN OVER THE LINE WHERE THEY CAN’T KILL YOU - 35:02– ghost: *screams in sam’s face bc it’s mad that it’s stuck* - sam: “shut up” - my video quality just hella dropped in the middle of an ad break i hope this doesn’t last - nvm it’s cause i’m on the wrong internet lmao hang on a sec - 36:23– why does no one let cas do anything - 36:38– are they about to kiss - 36:45– nope dean just wanted to be a dick - bel says what we’re all thinking - 37:48– can we like. make sam get an x-ray or something to see if the bullet is still in his arm - 37:58– dean you are spilling that disinfectant All over the car trunk - 39:04– dean’s getting existential - 39:52– sam: “for the first time, it’s just us” - cas: do i look like a joke to you - also i think my subtitles are broken - 40:46– AYY MORE PILOT FLASHBACKS

final thoughts: that was,,, kind of a lot better than i thought it would be? the first ten minutes were kinda shit but then Bel showed up and absolutely made my day

[dungeonsanddragonsfifthedition]

tazchat: you don’t gotta be the damage sponge all the time

The Gang Fucks Up So Bad Just Like So Bad Y’all Like All Of Them Fuck Up

i forgot that this one just opens on a fuckin scene like griffin hatecrime mcelroy wanted me to suffer

barry liked legato. lup liked tesseralia. lucretia liked the beach year. magnus enjoys the feeling of dying. but his favorite? PUPPY TOWN. and davenport’s a bummer and says “home” was his favorite.

no words, no melody, just static.

“you’re singing static—“ “i’m singing—that redheaded kid, the singer, at the conservatory.”

what the fuck is going on, is this fisher?

sorry the fucking. announcer at the beginning has got me back on my lucretia and magnus as parallels bullshit. talkin bout protection. talkin about bearing that weight; they’re not strong enough, i have to be. like objectively i feel that magnus is the most likely to do What Lucretia Did and i feel like there’s fridge justification there in the inherent recklessness of young humans (lucretia being ~18 and magnus being ~20) but also. they really are just two sides of the same coin. i love it.

Glimmers Of Hope!

magnus somehow becomes an artificer like in spite of Not Being A Mage... god what a boy

MAGNUS HAS ONE ASSET, HE WAS TOO BUSY GETTING SO MANY BONDS. aw taako gives some over actually. they’re good buds. and merle gives another. aw. Now I’m The Baby Of The Bunch But I Brought Two Friends Along

“we need to lean into the dramatic irony”

justin is so good at making up weapons holy shit. HIGH FANTASY magic glaive. BEJEWELED. camelcase.

merle gets a stick that gives him advantage. fuck yes. also. i’m about to lose my mind at justin’s will forte impression

magnus’ helmet. it’s got ram’s horns which is all to say tiefling julia confirmed. and then a fucking necklace.

A Wizard’s Duel as a lup song confirmed

griffin said “umbrella,” and justin said “OH FUCK YOU.” like did he not realize.

“you look like a clown.” “yeah, like a cool clown.” “don’t play the pennywise card, like you always try to.” “well, there’s no accounting for taste!”

STRAT MEETING!!!

magnus bein scared by barry’s lich form is canon.

“IT’S THE CRAVEABILITY.” “fine. sure, the craveability.”

UNless unLESS

but it won’t work!!!

lucretia doesn’t want responsibility for this!!!

magnus doesn’t wanna hurt the world!!! but this is better than the alternative

YOUR PLAN WON’T WORK EITHER QUEEN

and lup just shuts her down immediately jesus christ

“you don’t know that! you don’t know what i’m saying!” baby :’(

“I love good shield. I wish there was a third option where we could just fight it and kill it, but, uh. I don’t wanna decide for a world—either of ‘em.”

“the meat shield here can protect us“ / “what the fuck are you talking about.”

Lucretia Will Remember This.

“lucretia i promise you on my life, on my second life, this’ll work!

“i cannot WAIT to find out what these seven items are.”

HOW DID HE MAKE THAT FUCKIN CUP.

they really got it in an HOUR on toril damn

PLANTFUCKING JOKE

echoes of home on it and i am still on my angus is faerûn’s equiv of lucretia bullshit please make me talk about this dumb fucking joke theory

magnus’ dumb ass gets lost because he forgets he’s mortal and forgot water and shit. baby boy. and then he meets a dad and a baby, and he accidentally founds a city. fuck yes.

HEY EVERYBODY THERE’S A COOL ROCK IN THIS WELL TELL EVERYONE FOREVER

the gaia shaft, in gold’s cliff. hard same clint

like canonically the majority of people on faerûn search for the relics so i think it would be Interesting (Fanservice) if we saw moments w/ carey killian avi jules johann hurley sloane in this bit but whatever griffin

back when this aired, i had totally forgot about lucretia’s speech post crystal kingdom which is NEARLY WORD FOR WORD this griffin monologue damn

YOU DON’T SEE ANYTHING CHANGE, AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM. WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW HAUNTS YOU.

okay so they spent 11/10.5 years apart. that’s what we have.

my morning cuirass is SO GOOD. good joke travis.

that barry thinks fantasy mmj is “bumping” is all you need to know about him

magnus doesn’t know what to do next!!! he’s fuckin aimless!!! baby

leland palmer and merle highchurch are the same character

YOU GOTTA DANCE EVERY DAY! best dad.

lucretia is distressed as fuck. she and lup are hanging out and just being Sad Girlz.

i just stopped learning math! i have to learn math again! i have to make life! it just—seems weird.

“you’re my family.”

“everybody else, except for the six of you, everybody else was dust. talking dust. so, yeah, i started worrying a lot more about me, because what was the fucking point.” that speech gets me every time good job justin

oh fuck it was 10 years apart!!! only a decade!!! so lucretia is ~20 when the forgetting goes down and magnus is ~22 when he meets julia. the younger human ages really fuck with me!!!

sometimes there’s just. decisions!!!

“i wouldn’t have made it here without you. we don’t say this enough—thank you.” that was the last conversation you ever had with your sister. when someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. i am no joke crying on the metro.

back soon!

and we see lucretia.

Here Fuck This Gnome: The Very Sad Sequel

“holy shit. i think it’s my birthday.”

“—wait—wait—you’re—where am i? you’re merle—“

kill me.

a dungeon in the felicity wilds. fuck!!!

“who?” IMPROV LINE OF THE CENTURY!!! JESUS. LIKE A FUCKING BUS HIT ME, FIRST TIME I HEARD THIS.

HE STRAIGHT UP KILLS A DUDE!!!

it’s a duck!!! 🦆

SHE’S CRYING!!!!

“god magnus, no, you weren’t supposed to—“ “what?” “i’m gonna find you a place where you can be happy again, it’ll only be a little while, and then you’ll remember—“ “who are you—“ “please, please, i love you, all of you, i’m sorry.”

the fucking static as it transitions into “lucretia...” poetic cinema

griffin is audibly tearing up talking about lucretia. “miserable, and anguished, and shut off from the world, that misery could be altered too.” NOT BY PLACING IT ON YOUR OWN SHOULDERS!!! GOD!!!

the beach—you thrived. at peace.

the years that followed gave you joy beyond measure.

everyone in the world deserved to be around you, and you deserve it too, to be recognized! and you are so, so loved.

she spent all of her spare time looking for lup!!! she couldn’t bear her absence. i’m weeping. i’m genuinely weeping at this.

okay so. bulwark, then wonderland, then maureen, then the bureau, then eggbabe. that’s the story.

FEW PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED HAVE EXPERIENCED SUCH LONELINESS.

she could finally bring you home.

that is a BALLER COOKIE.

“we’re also getting closer as people, i guess.”

YOU GOT FAITH, IT’S FAITH IN YOU.

a radiant smile full of joy and relief—a smile you see now, as magnus, alive again, bursts into the room.

THIS IS IT!!!!

[parasocialpod]

Conversation Cards! - Transcript

Follow along with the episode here if you’d like to!

Alex: If you haven't heard about Anchor, it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain. It's free, there's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast, right from your phone or computer, and Anchor will distribute your podcast for you so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and many more.

You can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything that you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the free Anchor app, or go to anchor.fm to get started.

[Intro music]

Alex: Hi, I'm Alex.

Nick: And I'm Nick.

Alex: And this is Ice Cream Parasocial, a podcast that covers as many different topics as there are flavors of ice cream.

Nick: And today I wanted to start out by kind of slapping myself on the wrist and slapping Alex on the wrist too.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Because we never talked about our pronouns.

Alex: Yeah, we've been bad queers.

Nick: We are bad queers.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: But so I use he/him pronouns. Um, I've been kind of thinking about throwing "they" in there lately, but that's a topic for another day. Right now, it's just he/him.

Alex: Yeah, and I use they/them pronouns. And Nick has a he/him pass for me that other people don't really get, except I don't know, maybe like my mom. [laughs]

Nick: Right.

Alex: And it's weird. I've been using he/him pronouns for a really long time and then transitioned over to they/them super recently. And it's one of those things where it feels kind of weird to have Nick not use he/him pronouns for me. Um, so like, I guess I just also wanted to clarify a little bit, that like, if you see him use he/him pronouns for me on like social media or here or whatever that's not him being a dick. That's like my preference also. Um, but also they/them is very cool. [chuckles]

Nick: Alright. Cool. We finally got that out of the way. I-

Alex: We've done it.

Nick: I feel so bad that it took three episodes.

Alex: I know, I can't believe us. [laughs]

Nick: I- I just didn't think about it. I got so excited about doing the podcast and, you know, getting these episodes out, that like. We never really introduced ourselves. [laughs]

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: Like genuinely.  I guess I never really expected that anyone outside of our very close friend circle, would ever actually listen to it. But now- and I also didn't really expect that we would ever do more than one episode. [laughs] But here we are recording episode three and I know that it's still mostly friends and family that are listening, but I have hope that we'll get new people in, too.

Alex: Like at some point, at least.

Nick: Yeah, at some point.

Alex: And they should know our pronouns.

Nick: And they should know our pronouns. And if our pronouns ever change, I've got them up on the Twitter and Instagram, as well as on our personal Twitter and Instagram profiles, we usually will have those up to too.

Alex: Yes. And by usually that's pretty much like always-

Nick: Yeah. I don't-

Alex: -all the time.

Nick: -know why I said usually. Those, those will usually be correct.

[laugh]

I guess. But they will always be up. It's very important to not just assume someone's pronouns.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: So I wanted to throw that in as a quick little, uh, aside of what our pronouns are.

Alex: Mhmm!

So Nick and I used to, um, back when we lived in Indiana, we used to go to like the cutest little ice cream shop called BRICS. If you live in Indianapolis, you should really go check it out at some point that probably isn't like, you know, like a global pandemic. Um, because they are absolutely adorable. We'll have to post on Instagram a picture of our dog Winston.

Nick: Yeah, that's my favorite picture in the world!

Alex: Yeah, it continues to be the best picture that exists of Winston, uh, at their like outdoor ice cream window ordering himself a dog ice cream. But they're the cutest little, like local ice cream place. And they have these little conversation cards and every time that Nick and I would go on dates there we'd do like conversation cards with each other. Like literally, even after we've been married. We just think it's really fun to always be finding out things about each other, because stuff always changes, and sometimes you don't even know about that. So we made a conversation card episode.

Nick: Yeah, I pulled together- uh, I said up at the top about 30 and it ended up being 33. I highly doubt that we're going to get through all of them. So what I'm gonna do is I've got a random number generator pulled up and we'll just kind of do that to answer, uh, questions. And if you want to play along at home, feel free to send us some of your favorite questions and answers to said Twitter and Instagram, or even comment on the YouTube video some of the answers that you have to the questions that we ask, because I would love to have more conversations with people about what we do on this podcast.

Alex: [Chuckles] Yeah!

Nick: Let's start with question number 25.

Alex: All right. Number 25 is: "Who do you feel like you know, even though you've never met them?" Oh, this is perfect for this podcast.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Yeah. So, uh, basically what this is, is the definition of a parasocial relationship, which is the point of this podcast is to build a parasocial relationship with people.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: And kind of, I guess, also rip on parasocial relationships that people have with people that they've never met.

Alex: This is so ironic, taking something from an ice cream shop that we used to go to and our first question immediately being about parasocial relationships. Truly.

Nick: That's the podcast! That's the name!

Alex: The- they said it! They said Ice Cream Parasocial!

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: Oh I just hit my microphone with my glasses. Oh God. But yeah. So, who do you have parasocial relationships with, Alex?

Alex: Ooh that is a really hard one. Oh my gosh. Do you have an answer off the top of your head?

Nick: I did when I wrote the question down, but... God. I.. Shit.

So, I have-- Goddammit I don't want to talk about my bad memory in every single episode.

Alex: [Chuckles]

Nick: Um... but of course now I can't remember anybody's names. But there's definitely a lot of people in the disability community on Twitter and Instagram that I have really intense parasocial relationships with that I've never even spoken to at all, but I'm just like wow, I'm so proud of them. They seem like such genuine-

Alex: My best friend...

Nick: Right.

Alex: Yeah I feel like it tends to happen to me a lot with um I feel like... niche creators? Not necessarily quite as much with  big big creators like YouTubers and podcasters and things like that. I never really have a moment where I'm just like, you know, [laughs] This is really telling on myself that I'm just like big celebrities I'm just like Oh yeah fuckin' Alex Goldman from Reply All did something and I just think that he is so cool and he's my best friend. [laughs]

Nick: Right.

Alex: You know? Like I feel like I don't have as parasocial a relationship with people that are like big big creators but then even if it's like 1 million or under followers or so I'm just like yes I am one of their million best friends.

Nick: Right, yeah and I mean in this day and age under a million is small. Which is so funny or even you know be- having around a million subscribers on YouTube or something is small. There's so many people that have like 20, 30 million at this point that just like ah, 1 million is not that big. It's not that big of a deal.

Alex: Yeah...

Nick: One of mine, probably one of my biggest ones that like I feel like I know her so well but like I don't even interact with her on anything, typically. Every once in a while I will, but um, Annika Victoria.

Alex: Ooh! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Nick: Um, and if you don't know who that is, she does crafting videos and sewing videos on YouTube and also does a lot of stuff about disability. I can't remember what, um, what exactly her disability is, but it- A lot of the things that she goes through are very similar to a lot of things that I go to-go through and so it's very much just kind of like "Oh we're both wearing our migraine glasses today!"

Alex: Twins!

Nick: Right. [laughs] Hashtag twinning! You know and she'll make these posts about dealing with disability and dealing with chronic illness and I'll just be like "Oh me too, man." And I'm just like yeah I know so much about you but I don't. [Laughs]

Alex: Yeah... I feel like um, I feel like I finally have one too which is definitely a kind of commentary slash a little bit like leftuber. Quinton Reviews is definitely probably my biggest parasocial relationship person. Um, and I feel like it's very similar it's also like somebody that's very open about like his mental health stuff that he's going through is a big thing, and like life changes and stuff like that which I think is like a really good thing to do and I find that super admirable. But it's stuff that's very identifiable for me so I'm just like alright time to go hang out with my pal [laughs] and I'm just like "Oh wow yeah, we're both going through mental health things at the same time" or like I dunno, job changes or general disillusionment. It's so easy to just kind of have those things build up.

Nick: Yeah, I think that I definitely had more parasocial relationships when I was a teenager because now I'm really scared to kind of interact with people not just people that you know seem like they're celebrities but just in general I'm really worried about coming off as like creepy or weird. And so I just don't but when I was a teenager I didn't really think about it at all, I'd just you know hop into the Twitter replies with my favorite author and we would just have a little chat but now I'm like, I'll have something to say I'll type it out and I'll delete it and I'll walk away.

Both: [chuckling]

Nick: And then so I feel like that kind of demolished a lot of the relationships that I otherwise would have, I guess.

Alex: Yeah and it definitely is really interesting sort of figuring out the like delineation between like a parasocial relationship and what isn't in the age of like, when you can like talk to creators just sort of whenever? Um, depending on who the creator is, and how open they are with their audience or like what their boundaries are I guess.

Nick: Mmhmm.

Alex: Um, and it's just super interesting figuring out that kind of thing, especially when it comes to people that have Discords, or people that do like Twitch streams where it's just like... I feel like part of the reason why I had to have this such a second thinking about the question is that it's just like, does it count as parasocial if like, we're mutuals on Twitter? Or like, if we interact in like their Discord all of the time? Like, I don't know! Like, ahh! Like, I mean I've met them like they know who I am. [laughs]

Nick: Right.

Alex: You know? And then it's just like, oh well I guess, somebody that I haven't met that we've interacted like a couple of times but very tangential would be Quinton Reviews.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um. But it's so weird even figuring out like, the lines of I don't know if that's like defined that way anymore.

Nick: Right. Yeah, I think that we talked that one to death enough.

Alex: Oh yeah for sure.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: We're really not even that far in, but I'm just like okay it's time to move on, there's 33 questions.  Number nine.

Alex: All right, number nine! If you were reborn in a new life, would you rather be alive in the past or the future?

Nick: Future.

Alex: Future.

Nick: Are you fucking kidding me?

Alex: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Get me out of here.

Nick: My fucking disabled queer ass? Yeah no.

Alex: Right!

Nick: I'm gonna to go to the future and hope that it's ... [sighs] marginally better.

Alex: Right! Absolutely. Yeah, like I want to go... 100 percent the future, like, my disabled queer ass?

Nick: Right.

Alex: Let me out, dude.

Nick: Right. Like, I want to be in the time where like, I have access to things. [Laughs]

Alex: Right, I would love to be in the time where people have rights and shit. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. W-well... [chuckles] yeah. Hopefully in the future that happens.

Alex: Yeah, at some point.

Nick: Always moving forward! Hopefully...

Alex: Eh...

Nick: Hopefully.

Alex: Hopefully.

Nick: Anyways! Moving on to number 27! Um.

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: What's the grossest food that you just can't get enough of?

[Laughs]

That will hopefully become like, the only food in the future.

Alex: Oh my God. Oh that's tough, I love nasty shit.

Nick: You love disgusting shit.

Alex: I love the worst things. Um, do you want to go first so I can pick which nasty shit?

Nick: I don't really like a lot of gross foods. Like, I have such a limited diet because a.) I eat like a child, and b.) I'm vegan. And so like, it's just a lot of vegan chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. Like...

Alex: You've expanded out a lot, you can give yourself credit.

Nick: Yeah I've expanded out quite a bit.

Alex: Like it's not gross, but you've expanded out.

Right.

Nick: I think that the grossest food that I couldn't get enough of was Taco Bell, and I'm so glad that like I know that they have some vegan options and like technically you can order stuff to make it vegan, but I am so glad that they don't have a lot, because otherwise I'd be in a lot of trouble. [Chuckles]

Alex: Oh yeah absolutely.  I feel like the grossest food that I can't get enough of... if I'm going like, for genuine like other people probably would be like "ugh," [laughs] like "why would you... why would you put that in there",  I would probably have to say... for some reason lately, since we've been vegan, I cannot stop eating soft pretzels. Because I found out that  the um microwaveable soft pretzels that you can buy are vegan, and so I just cook them all the time. And I just like season them in a bunch of different ways, and I'll just eat them with like soup, because it's bread [laughs]. And so you'll like, walk in on me at like two in the morning and I'll just be eating like soft pretzels like a little goblin in the nighttime. For grossest food in the sense of just like... you know, um, God has abandoned us but I don't particularly care, uh, but I feel like a lot of--

Both: [Laughing]

Alex: But I feel like a lot of people would probably really enjoy this if they knew it existed. So, another little local restaurant shout out. In Portland there's a restaurant, that is probably my favorite restaurant, that's called The Homegrown Smoker. And they have a lot of bullshit that I love. Just peak vegan bullshit. And they have this uh, this thing [laughs]. It's like, a burrito... like, wrap-type thing, that's called "mac no cheeto", and it's smoked soy curls with barbecue sauce, grilled peppers and onions, mac and cheese-- uh, like vegan mac and cheese-- barbecued beans and like, a flour tortilla. And again, God has abandoned us, but honestly I'm fine with it, I made my choice.

Both: [Laughing]

Alex: Anyway Homegrown Smoker is open for takeout. So like.

Both: [Laughing]

Nick: That's so funny.

Alex: They have a lot of really good vegan comfort food and I really recommend them.

Nick: Oh, they do. They're-- they're really, really good. Um... Number 14, "what social stigma does society need to get over?"

Alex: [Laughs]

Nick: Uh institutionalized racism, perhaps?

Alex: Yes, absolutely, good God.

Nick: Don't know if that's a stigma, but like, can we just fucking stop that shit?

Alex: Right! Literally. I feel like another social stigma is like, acting like being called out on something, or like being corrected on something, means that like you're a bad person.

Nick: Absolutely.

Alex: Or I guess, just like acting like, you know, calling someone out on something that they did means that they're like, irredeemable. Cause like, I always kind of have this attitude about it where it's like, if somebody criticizes you on something or like give us constructive criticism, then that means that they think you can change.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: And I think that that's kind of.. I don't want to say a compliment, but it's kind of, you know, them putting faith in you to like, listen to them. And I think that you know, there's this whole stigma around it where it's just like, "Oh you said that I said something racist, and that just means that you think I'm a bad person." And it's like, no you know a lot of the time that means that they think that you're capable of changing and like not doing harm anymore. Um.

Nick: Right. They believe that you can get better.

Alex: Yeah! And so it's just like, I would love for people to be able to get over the social stigma of like, that kind of... um... defensiveness?

Nick: Right. Yeah. Cause it's like, there definitely is a big issue with internet culture right now, with "cancel culture"--

Alex: TM.

Nick: TM. But a lot of the time, what people are calling "cancel culture" is really just people asking for people in more power to do better, because we believe that they can do better.

Alex: Yeah. And like, for accountability.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: And it's just like, things would be overall so much better if the attitude towards that was more of just like a "Oh shit. Thanks for letting me know. Now I can like, go be better, uh, and do less harm, and like, thanks for like, believing in me I guess."

Nick: Right. Absolutely. All right, let's see if we get a, uh, not as heavy one. [laughs]

Alex: I know. [ laughs]

Nick: Oh God. Number two: "what makes you the angriest?" [

Laughs]

Oh shit. [laughing] Oh no. Oh no.

Oh okay. I...

Alex: I kind of want to go for current, just because overwhelmingly, like, just overarchingly feels like a lot.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Oh man. Current is also very hard.

Nick: Right now what makes me the angriest is when people refuse to wear face masks, and they have literally no reason to not wear one. Like just fucking wear one. It's not that difficult.

Alex: Right. Like, that's what I was gonna say too. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. It's just it's really, really frustrating having... so here's what happened to me. Right As everything was starting to kind of get shut down, and everything was like "oh yeah we're just going to be closing our place for two weeks, so that like things can kind of die down," all the way back in March, my job closed down permanently. We all got laid off. The place got completely shut down. Since that day I have not left my apartment except to take my dogs outside. I have not gone anywhere, I have not risked it. I have asthma. I... you know, I... until very very recently I didn't have health insurance. I just didn't want to risk it. I have been in my apartment since March. It is now September. If I go out, if I start having to go out and do things and I get sick because some asshole decides not to wear a mask I will find them and I will kill them. That is a fact. I will be so pissed If I have spent almost all of 2020 just holed up in my apartment just for somebody that is slightly uncomfortable with wearing a mask to get me sick.

Alex: Right?

Nick: You know?

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: Like,  oh that's really cool that you got really sick of being in your apartment after a month. I've been here for like six now? Uh? [Laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally! And it's just like, that's something else that really gets me about it is that it's like, people act like... I don't know, as somebody that has dealt with a lot of mental health stuff for a super long time, it's so irritating like seeing people just be like "oh well I got sad, so I decided to go to a party with a hundred other people because I was sad." And it's just like that's when you see a therapist. Like, it's like, I know that access is hard, but it's just so frustrating.  And I don't know. Just the whole mask thing too is so frustrating, because it's like, there's so many like intersections at which you know, COVID affects people? And it's like it's so very much like... you know, it's like a race issue, and a disability issue, and a class issue. And like people just sort of like, ignore all of that? Like, you know, it's like an ageism issue as well. And it's so upsetting when people just sort of act like it's like, one bad thing. Um.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Like just like, one singular bad action. And it's just like, ugh. I just especially don't like it when people that try and act really socially conscious are like, "oh like it's just like one time like it's just like this one time."

Nick: Right. Like the thing that I... I'm not gonna name names, because I don't want people to go in and cancel them but mmm. A lot of big creators I had to just go through and unfollow them on everything because I kept seeing this trend of like, people posting pictures and then at the very bottom of the caption being like "mask removal was allowed for photos!" And I'm just like... cool. Uh. [Laughs]

Alex: Just cause it's allowed doesn't mean you should.

Nick: Right. Just cause it's allowed doesn't mean you should, and also like, if you can't take a good picture outside while wearing a mask like that's your fucking issue.

Alex: Get good? [laughs]

Nick: Get good! Like I just-- just get a cute mask! I have-- I have two that I really really love, one that's like got constellations on it and one that's got dinosaurs on it, and they're both glow in the dark, and they are so fucking cool! You know?

Alex: It's fucking dope! Like I don't understand that shit. And it's like, the perfect little like... post-apocalyptic vibe. Like you can get masks that match like, every vibe under the sun at this point. Like there's no-- you can get masks that match like, bandanas for your dog!

Nick: Right!

Alex: Like? [Laughs] No excuse.

Nick: Yeah. And if you're having issues with breathing with a mask on, there's a lot of different things that you can do. There's this one... there's this silicone piece that you can put on your mouth, and I'll link it in wherever I can, that helps keep the fabric away from your mouth that Alex uses a lot. And I don't like the feeling of it on me as much, but you know, that can really help with getting airflow and keeping the fabric off of your face If you don't like having the fabric on your face, and you know, there's-- I super super do not recommend buying any masks from any store. Because those ones we've had huge issues with, but then buying them from Etsy, y'know, getting them handmade, they're better quality. They're a lot more breathable. They're a lot more comfortable. And if all else fails, a lot of stores online now have the disposable masks that are super breathable now, you know. Like all of that stuff has kind of caught back up.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: So, you've got options. You-- it doesn't have to just be that you've got this, you know, 20 layer piece of shit taped to your face. You know? [Laughs]

Alex: Right! Literally! And it's like, you know, it's another one of those things that, kind of like with vaccines, like there are a small percentage of people who like, you know, for whatever reason whether it's like access issues or like some sort of like medical thing like... can't? And it's like, you know because of that small percentage of people, like, you should extra extra be wearing a mask.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: And it's just so frustrating to me to see like, people that have the money that like are able bodied um just like... not doing it? It is so frustrating.

Nick: Right.

Alex: Cause it's like, you know, there's people that are like... that like, don't have a way to like wash fabric masks or like buy disposable masks, and it's just like so that those people don't get sick then you should extra be wearing a mask. Like. Aah. You know what I mean?

Nick: Right.

Alex: So many feelings about masks! [Laughs]

Nick: And it's also-- something that I had to do when I first started wearing them even, y'know, just to take the dogs out, is wear it for 30 seconds, take it off, and then... you know, and work on getting the length of time that you can wear it up. Cause when I first started wearing masks-- granted I was wearing these like really cheap shitty ones that we got from Whole Foods or something-- and I couldn't. I could not wear it for more than 30 seconds. And so then, you know, the next time that I wore it I would put it on, I'd wear it for 45 seconds. And over time that started to grow. And then buying a mask that was handmade. And then I will also link to the store that made my favorite masks  in the description, in shownotes and stuff.  That, y'know, that made it so much better. They were so much more breathable, and so much more comfortable. You know, so test out different masks. If you're having a lot of issues with one, try out a different style, try out a different company. Like, try getting the little like, silicone muzzle I guess, you know, that you can put under it to keep it away from your face, and build up that time. You know?

Alex: Yeah! There's a lot less difference in price than I thought there was going to be--

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: Um, like, to get the fabric masks that are like accordion-style that I've found a lot more comfortable, and like breathable, then the um other ones that we'd been using that were more like fast fashion. It was like, I don't know, I think they were like eightish dollars? Something like that?

Nick: Yeah. They were still under $10.

Alex: They're still under ten, which I think was around or below the price of the uh like masks that we'd gotten from Whole Foods that are a lot less breathable.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Um. But that's just my little take. Like the ones from Target are real shitty.

Nick: Ah yeah.

Alex: Um, and they were less expensive, but again it's like, do you want to wear something that doesn't fit super well and is awful to breathe in and as maybe like $2 cheaper? But again I don't know. That's just a little onion.

Nick: Just wear a mask, like, please. This thing isn't over just because you want it to be over. I want it to be over.

Alex: So bad.

Nick: I haven't left my apartment at all in six months. I would love so much to leave my apartment.

Alex: I just want to go thrifting.

Nick: Right? I just want to go to a thrift store and like not buy anything and just look at it all. You know, like?

Alex: God.

Nick: Anyways.

Alex: Anyways.

Nick: Wear a mask. Next question.

Alex: Next question.

Nick: Number 33. [Chuckles] What profession doesn't get enough credit or respect?

Alex: Oh God. [Laughs]

Nick: Teachers. [Laughs]

Alex: Ooh that's a good one. That is a good one. Oh this is hard. Cause I feel like there are a ton. Um. Fuckin'...

Nick: I can also put in here a profession that gets too much credit and too much respect!

Alex: [Laughing] Uh...

Nick: Cops!

Alex: For-- Definitely agree with that one!

Nick: [Laughs]

Alex: Um... for not enough respect I would definitely agree with teachers, and I would also throw in any sort of like, frontline like customer service, food service, like, retail workers.

Nick: Oh yeah!

Alex: Um... that's one of those things that I have so many feelings about, because I feel like that is the peak example of like transferable job skills that like, everyone is just like "oh that's like an unskilled job." And I'm just like, as someone that sort of, like, transferred those job skills into like healthcare, fucking... deescalation, man! [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Deescalation is a huge one.

Alex: Multitasking, oh my God.

Nick: Yeah.

Alex: Multitasking and deescalation. Like?

Nick: Being able to keep your cool in a high pressure situation.

Alex: Right? Like shout out! And like for absolutely no pay. Like. Ahhhh.

Nick: Yeah, like going back to uh, the whole wearing a mask thing, there was this video-- I didn't watch the whole thing, because it made me anxious to watch-- But there was this guy who was refusing to wear a mask and he was going into a grocery store, and the-- there were like five people that worked there that, God I hope were upper management type people, but um-- he was screaming, and he was in their face, and he was cussing at them, and they were all so calm. Like, the one person that was taking the video was not being calm, but I don't know if they worked there. But the people that, like, were in the video that clearly worked there were so calm and just "have a good day sir. Have a good day sir. Mhmm. Yeah, you have a good day. Okay. Bye bye. Have a good day." And I'm just like, I... oh, I would have broken down. [Laughs]

Alex: Right. Absolutely.

Nick: And just like, I know for a fact that those people did not get paid enough to deal with that bullshit. [Laughs]

Alex: For sure! My God.

Nick: And that's something that I've seen before. Like at my very first job actually, where like this dude was going off about something, and my manager just pulled that like "alright. Yep. You have you have a nice night, sir."

Both: [Chuckling]

Nick: And yet, for the most part, we as a society... um... we'll sit there, and be like "yeah those people, like, they don't really do anything. They just ring stuff up, and they don't deserve to have a whole like-- you know. If they actually needed money or if they were real adults, they would have real adult jobs!" And I'm just like, you expect a teenager... [Laughs]

Alex: Right?

Nick: To do that shit?

Alex: Right? Or even just like people who have such a lack of awareness where they'll just be like, "Oh yeah they should have like a real adult job. Like all of the jobs that require a bachelor's degree but still pay $12 an hour for some reason."

Nick: Right.

Alex: Even though to get a bachelor's degree, half the time you have to drop tens of thousands-- if not more-- of dollars that many people don't have. [Laughs]

Nick: Right. Just to then work a shitty job for the rest of your life that has nothing to do with that degree so that you can pay off that degree.

Alex: Right. Woo!

Nick: It's great. It's fun. Anyways, uh everybody needs to be paid more, except for cops who need to be defunded.

Alex: Yes.

Nick: Fact.

Alex: Absolutely. Except cops, who should be defunded and also quit their jobs.

Nick: Yeah 100%.  

Okay, now a genuinely fun one.

I kept I kept hoping that the next one would be like a fun one, and then it's just like Oh No, no, no, no, no we're gonna fight today. [laughs]

Alex: It's time to fight!

Nick: Uh, if you were a superhero what powers would you have?

Alex: [laughs] Oh my God. That's so funny Uhmm I feel like If I were a superhero I would love to be able to shape shift.

Nick: Mm Shapeshift is a really good one.

Alex: My fucking nonbinary ass, are you kidding me? [

Nick: Especially if you can shape shift into things that aren't real.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: Or even if you can shape shift into things that are real, you know? Being able to like turn into a bird and fly. Yeah, shape-shifting is mine too  'cause I feel like my first thing that I want to say is to be able to fly 'cause I've always wanted to fly, but also thinking about my chronic illness I would never be able to because I can barely walk. How am I supposed to- [laughs]

Alex: Oh...

Nick: You know? [laughs]

How I supposed to go out and  fly around and have fun with fibromyalgia? Like all I'm thinking now about that is that my wings would be in pain too.

Alex: Oh God! [ chuckles]

Nick: And that's just ugh. But if I could shape shift, maybe I could shape shift into somebody with a working body! [laughs]

Alex: Yeah that's what I was thinkin' if it's real cold out maybe I could shape shift into someone who's joints are functional [laughs]

Nick: Right!

Alex: Or you know whatever.

Nick: No kidding! Okay Well that was a fast one. Let's see what number 19 is.

Alex: In the past people were buried with the items that they would need in the afterlife. What would you want to be buried with so that you could use it in the afterlife?

Nick: Hmm... My dog? [laughs]

Alex: Awwwww

Nick: I want my dog. I would like my puppy, please.

Alex: Oh that's really cute. That's a nice one.

Nick: It like all I can think of 'cause I'm like... I don't know, it depends on what the afterlife is like, you know?

I guess he's not- my dog's not an item.

Alex: Yeah that's true. Like what does the afterlife have already? 'Cause I wouldn't want to like show up to the afterlife with my laptop and then it was like "no wifi in the afterlife."

Nick: Right. I guess uh, my mobility aids would be great?

Alex: Just in case.

Nick: Like, I just honestly I love them so much, that like even if in the afterlife none of that exists,  I almost feel naked without them. And I feel like I would feel naked there too, so it's just like I'd like to have my cane just so I can-

Alex: Just in case!

Nick: Just to hold on to it.

Alex: Just to have.

Nick: And then also it's a weapon so I can beat the shit out of any demons that are trying to-

Alex: [laughing] Assuming that you go to hell?

Nick: Listen. [laughs]

Alex: [laughing] Oh my god. My brain just keeps getting fixated on like the Nintendo switch, so I guess I'm taking the Nintendo switch.

Nick: Just hope to God that there's power.

Alex: Yeah, just hope that there's electricity in the afterlife.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Alright Let's try... Oh! Number 10: Would you rather be the funniest person in the room or the most intelligent?

[ I'd rather be the funniest. I don't-I don't want to be smart I want to be- I want to be a himbo! [laughs at his own joke like he's funny]

Alex: Right! I would also rather be funny, because I feel like you can always become more intelligent but I feel like to be funny like that is such a hard thing to learn. And also [quietly] intelligence is kind of an ableist concept.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Intelligence is a hundred percent an ableist concept. You're absolutely right.

Alex: You know, and also being the most intelligent I feel like would kind of more alienate people um depending on how you express yourself as a person. 'Cause either like you just know a bunch of stuff and you don't want to talk down to people so you just don't really do anything with it Um or you like I guess you could like teach people things which is something that I guess could be worthwhile but I don't know if you're like the funniest person that you can have a lot of friends and just hang out and learn things from each other. And I think that that's neat, just being able to like bond people and bring people together I would love that.

Nick: Yeah, that's a really, really good sentiment.

Uh, let's see what number 29 has! What's the most recent show you've binge-watched? Korra.

Alex: Oh yeah! I wouldn't really call it binge

Nick: We're watching like an episode a night.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: The last one that we binged was The Umbrella Academy.

Alex: Yes!

Nick: Season two.

Alex: Which I cannot physically stop thinking about.

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Yeah We've been able to pace ourselves a lot more with Korra, but with The Umbrella Academy it was like two or three episodes a day. [laughs]

Alex: Exactly. It's yet another example of the thing where Nick tries to get me into something for a really long time and I'm like "Oh yeah, I'll-I'll check that out. Like, yeah we can check that out soon." And then we finally check it out and then he instantly regrets getting me into it. [laughs]

Yeah.

Then it's just like a giant alarm goes off in the middle of the apartment and it's just like special interest alert!

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Then I just don't shut up for like four months [laughs]

Nick: Right, oh man.

Um we

Alex: had a bigger fan base I feel like by like episode five or so someone could have a 15 minute compilation That's just me talking about The Umbrella Academy.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: But that's for another day.  

Nick: Um Moving on to number 30: What outdated slang do you use on a regular basis?

Alex: Oh that one's hard because I feel like outdated is a difficult term in the internet era. [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, 'cause things get outdated almost immediately.

Alex: Things get outdated almost immediately, and also I- as like a counter argument I feel like nothing is outdated because of irony.

Nick: Yeah, that's very fair. So I guess what did you start saying ironically that now you can't stop?

Alex: Ooh... oh that's hard. That is really hard, I feel like um, probably [chuckles] the thing that I started saying ironically that now I can't stop is definitely "What's up gamers!?"

Nick: Oh, yeah!

Alex: I say that way too much. I say it to the pets all the time.

Nick: [loudly] What's up gamers?!?

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Like, especially when I'm really tired I'll go like pet one of the dogs and I'll be like "What's up gamer?" [laughs]

Nick: Yeah, that is- that is uh, true. I've seen it so many times.

I feel like it's definitely something that I say more to the pets, anytime that I say something ironically, and I can't- now I can't remember anything that I say to them. I never speak to them.

Alex: You never address them.

Nick: Me and the dogs, me and the cats, we are not on speaking terms.

Alex: [laughs] Not since the incident.

Nick: Not since the incident.

Alex: [laughing] Oh God.

Nick: Not since the knife incident.

Alex: Oh God!

Nick: Which will hear about in a future episode where we discuss our pets Oh, Um, Yeah I don't know I- I feel like I started calling everyone man which is kind of outdated slang?

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: Even though like I don't know why I started saying it but I was just like "Listen, man."

Alex: Yeah I feel like you say a lot of kind of like seventies, eighties hippy shit

Nick: Yeah I love

Alex: it.

Nick: That's Because I am a hippie from the seventies, eighties.

Alex: Yeah, I feel like you watch a lot of like van tours on YouTube-

Nick: That, yeah.

Alex: Of People that are definitely older hippies and I think you kinda like pick up on the slang sometimes, and I love that.

Nick: Yeah I- that is very, very accurate.

God now the number generator is starting to pick up the same ones over and over again. Okay Here's What should- maybe will be a quick one. Uh, which way should toilet paper hang? Over or under?

Alex: Um I have never had an opinion on this I don't know why it's so important. [laughs]

Nick: [laughing]

Alex: I'm the

same.

[laughing] And that's why we work as a couple!

Nick: Like, I guess over? This is going to be the first thing we get canceled about!

Alex: I know right?

Nick: Is putting out our toilet paper-

Alex: I know.

Nick: -opinions

Alex: Putting our shit out here.

Nick: 'Cause the genuine answer is it doesn't fucking matter.

But I guess my preference is over?

Alex: Yeah Like I guess technically...

Nick: 'Cause it's easier to pull?

Alex: Yeah Like I never really noticed. I guess over, because it's harder for the cat to reach.

Nick: Yeah. Anyways, uh...

Both: [laughing]

Nick: Oh, number 20: Where do you get most of the decorations for your home? Thrift stores.

Alex: Thrift stores.

100% thrift stores.

Nick: Yeah, or given to us for free.

Alex: Thrift stores, given to us for free by friends, and sometimes like Halloween Stores.

Nick: Yeah, our oldest and most treasured decoration is from a Halloween store.  Because when we first moved in together, it was early November years ago.

Alex: Yeah.

Nick: And that was something that you brought was our eat drink and be scary sign.

Alex: Yeah!

Nick: And everywhere that we've lived that has gone into the kitchen, and it will go into the next one.

Alex: Absolutely.

Nick: I'll go ahead and lead that into another one without doing the random number generator. What would your dream house be like?

Alex: [chuckles]

Nick: Mine is a van.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: I'm not even play around. I like, before... it-it's one of those really frustrating things where like I don't know if I actually learned about something before it became a trend or if I was just like getting swept up in it with everyone else but feeling like I wasn't, you know? But for the last year and a half we've been talking a lot about buying a van and traveling around. And the more that I look into it the more I'm just like yeah this is all I want.

Alex: Mhmm!

Nick: And you know I guess like my dream house house would definitely be a tiny house where I can reach everything that I need to reach from one spot.

Alex: Yeah I would definitely agree with the van thing and the house thing. Um, so that I can have a unique answer, I would definitely say dream house would be just a nice little commune I just want to have like a timy- tiny house commune with a bunch of cool people just kind of out in nowhere and totally self-sufficient, not bothered by anybody. 'Cause I'm the- very much the type of person where I am more of like an I guess like when we're like living somewhere stationary tend to be more of like an urban person but not by choice more by virtue of just being reliant on the city. Like I feel like that if everything was cool, I would very much be more of a country non-binary. [laughs] But just because of like social stigma and everything it's just like "Yeah fine, I guess I'll just go with be with all the other gays." So I've always thought that it would be so cool to just have like a nice little plot of land with a bunch of other people, and we're all just chill. [

Nick: That definitely is like My Ultimate Dream for if we ever do want to kind of stop moving again. And I mean at this point being stuck in the apartment for six months all I want is to move and never stop moving. Um, which is why I'm so in love with the idea of getting a van. But you know if and when we decide to settle down that is my ultimate dream is to have a really accessible really queer tiny house commune.

Alex: Yes!  

Nick: I just think that that would be so nice. I definitely really miss having roommates. I really miss having our last roommates, especially with us being able to be separated a little bit. And so I'm just like man, all I want is to just have like this huge, huge plot of land where everybody gets to have their own little little house, little space, and you know we can get together if we want to. We don't have to.

Alex: Right We all just like... ugh so nice.

 Nick: Everybody has got like things that they need to do that You know they get to pick out the thing that-

Alex: is like accessible to them and like that they kind of enjoy doing and just love it just love- you love to see it. We all maybe have a bunch of dogs, and I just love

Nick: There's just too

Alex: many

Nick: dogs.

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: Okay This generator literally just keeps picking the same things.

Is there- is there one that you want to answer?

Alex: Let's see..  Oh sure, um let's do 24 maybe, which is: what's the most creative use of emojis you've ever seen?

Nick: Oh my God! She-ra, the creator of She-ra, Noelle Stevenson, every single season... Whenever a new season of She-ra would come out , She would tell the story of the season on Twitter just using emojis. And it was so cool to go through and watch that season and go through the emojis and be like "Oh that's what that meant, and that's what this meant!" It was

Alex: Oh like trying to infer what would happen next is like the best!

Nick: Yeah, like seeing a little claw emoji and being like Oh something's going to happen with Scorpia!

Alex: Yeah, Oh my God. That's what I was gonna say too If you didn't. I was just like I really want to get a chance to talk about that for a second, 'cause I love that shit.

Nick: It was so good. Um Let me see let me see let me see let me see... Let's do a couple of quick fire ones that are right in a row. Summer or winter?

Alex: Uhh, winter.

Nick: Really?

Alex: Um depends on where.

Nick: Ah, that's fair. Winter here in Portland is really nice, winter in Indiana is not nice.

Alex: Winter in Indiana can go kick rocks.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: Made of solid ice.

Nick: Mhmm.

Alex: But summer is-  I don't do well with heat.

Nick: Yeah that's fair. I think it's really funny because I was born in August, and also with school always having summer off I have this idea in my head that summer is so much better. That's when my birthday is, that's when I don't have anything that I have to do, but like as an adult that's just not true.

Alex: Right! It's so funny because I just realized that I feel like I have the opposite thing with winter, too. Because like you have a summer birthday and  you have school being off and everything like that. And then, I have the exact opposite thing where I have a winter birthday and I grew up with sort of like a hybrid of like holidays. Where I grew up uh you know I'm  Jewish, and then I also had the side of my family that would celebrate Christmas, so I got to have both Hanukkah and Christmas. So I had basically the like you know winter version of summer break.

And

Nick: that, that definitely says a lot.

Alex: Yeah So both of those make sense to me, actually.

Nick: That's funny. But then I think that even the third honest best answer is fall.

Alex: Oh yeah, naturally. Fall and spring are very much where it's at.

Nick: Yeah but between summer and winter... Depending on the place. Here in Portland, I would definitely say winter.

Alex: Oh yeah.

Nick: Uh, 50s or 80s music?

Alex: Eighties music.

Nick: Same.

Alex: No doubt.

Nick: Piercings or tattoos?

Alex: Tattoos.

Nick: Yeah, same. Tattoos are 1,000 times better. Like, piercings are great but tattoos are just...

Alex: Oh yeah absolutely. Piercings are nice because they're way easier to kind of just like play around with, you know? 'Cause people sort of make it seem like one of those things where they're equal in their permanence, but I've had different peircings where it's just like you can just sorta do whatever. It's fine.  But I really like the emotional significance of tattoos um and piercings can also be significant; Don't get me wrong. I just love like the it's like kind of a mindfulness moment to get a tattoo, and I love that. And it's also just so cool like standing in the mirror and being like shit that's on me! What, that's crazy.

Nick: Right. Alright, let's do one last one that I feel like would be funny. Where are you not welcome anymore?

Alex: [laughs]

Nick: My answer I love, because it doesn't matter because the place got shut down.

Alex: Oh, I love that. Oh I love that so much. Honestly my answer also, I feel like- [laughs] It's so funny that that could um apply to multiple things.

Nick: Oh yeah.

Alex: That does apply to

Nick: Those businesses that I'm not allowed at have been shut down, so...

Alex: [ laughs

Nick: Sounds like, uh, their fault not mine. [chuckles]

Alex: Right, um, I would say probably the place for me doesn't matter because the dude got fired, so... [laughs]

Nick: So fuck that guy and- [laughs]

Alex: So fuck you Frank.

Both: [laughing]

Alex: He's not going to listen to this, that's fine.

Nick: Yeah, even if he does there's no tracing that.

Alex: Oh yeah absolutely. There's a lot of shitty Frank's in the world.

Nick: [laughs] All right so fuck you, Frank. This has been Ice Cream Parasocial.

Alex: [laughs]

Thank you for joining us again this week!

Yes And uh once again if you have any like particular answers to these sorts of questions that while we were talking you were just like "I really want to talk about this." Feel free to like tweet them at us or comment on our Instagram or anything like that .

Nick: Also if you have any questions that you would like us to answer go ahead and send those over. Uh, I think it would be really cool to do an episode where we do just answer questions that people have for us. So you can send over your answers and questions to our Twitter and Instagram which are both @parasocialpod and we are Ice Cream Parasocial on YouTube, and you can go ahead and comment there as well.

Alex: Absolutely!

Nick: We'll see you next week!

Alex: Bye!

Nick: Bye!

[quickchangeartist]

92 Questions Tag

Tagged by: @shadowbanish (thank you! <3)

Answer the questions and tag 20 people.

Shit, uhhhhhh... I dunno about 20. That seems like a whole hell of a lot. @ammonia-jane, @manticorefruit, @pink-reindeer, @ghartokpadhome, @ashadahlen, @ashtraska, @onepartpartyonepartmachine, @happilynerevarafter, @relvinmeru, @julei-zu, @aforgottenchampion, @jerallmountains, @sonofqueen, @hardbittenhearts, @aramis-stilt0n, @snowelves, @automatomicatomaton, @dunmeritude, @sithisit, @chameleonspell HEY WE DID IT (Disregard if you want, tho, cos this is a lot of questions and all)

THE LAST: 1. Drink: Tea, with a lot of sugar and milk. 2. Phone call: @ammonia-jane, actually, because I’d missed the bus and made myself late.  3. Text message: “A miserable pile of secrets.”  4. Song you listened to: “Maker Of My Sorrow” by Eliza Rickman 5. Time you cried: Probably yesterday morning, or the night before.

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Like, gone on two dates or dated them, broke up, then dated them again? Either way, yes. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Oh man, yeah. Many people I’ve kissed have not been good at it, regardless. 8. Been cheated on: Yeeeeeaahh actually that sort of happens a lot? I often wonder about that, and whether that’s why I just plain don’t much mind being fucked around on, maybe I just see it as a natural consequence. Or maybe I’m just poly and I shouldn’t overanalyse the whys so much. 9. Lost someone special: Yeah. 10. Been depressed: Bruh. Come on, now. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Lol. Yeah. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. Red 13. Black 14. That sort of deep reddish purple that you only get on certain kinds of plum at very precise times of the year. IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yeah! I’m really bad at keeping them, though. 16. Fallen out of love: Nope! 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Nah. Either they cover shit up properly, or I’m just not that interesting to talk about. Also, I’m pretty obtuse to be fair. 19. Met someone who changed you: Not in the last year, but they’re still around?20. Found out who your friends are: I wasn’t in doubt? Damn, some of you must have much more drama-filled lives than I do. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Idk? Probably. I think I gave @manticorefruit a smooch on their hat the other week. I kissed Voltaire after a concert a month or two back.

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: I don’t really know? Probably not more than half, though. 24. Do you want to change your name: I planned to change to my current name, Daniel, for the duration of transitioning, then change to Casimir once my surgery was done with. Then a friend of mine turns up with a Friendship Tattoo with ‘Daniel’ right there on his forearm and I’m just like. Welp.  25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I hung out at my mate’s place and drank gin and ate a delicious earl grey-flavored cake with “Happy fuckin’ Birthday aye” written on it in purple icing. That cake lasted for two weeks, it was enormous. 26. What time did you wake up: It should be 7am, lately it’s between 10am and 1pm because life is a series of mistakes. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Probably something unspeakable. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: For @ammonia-jane to go to Texas so she can come back. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: She’s literally right here. My cat is sitting on her and she’s reading my old report cards from school 20 years ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Oh my fucking gods, where to fucking begin... How about I go back to being 17 and happy and not yet so crushingly mentally ill. That or give me $100,000. 31. What are you listening right now: My cat purring, also “The Wayward Wife” by The Merry Wives Of Windsor. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ...Shit, I don’t know. Maybe I haven’t?? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My real estate agent hasn’t returned my emails OR my calls in going on a month now, despite sticking a demolition application notice on my damn lawn in the dark of night. Shitweasels. 34. Most visited Website: If not Tumblr, then probably UESP. LOST QUESTIONS 35. Mole/s: I think there’s one on the back of my neck maybe, and there’s one on the underside of one forearm. 36. Mark/s: Like... A bunch. Scar across my shoulder, scars all over my fingers and hands, big scar on my left thigh, nick on one wrist and between two knuckles on one hand I’ve had as long as I can remember, big flat scar on the sole of one foot, freckles on my shoulders (the ones on my face and forearms faded a lot when I became a Basement Goblin but the ones on my shoulders were from a SEVERE sunburn so I figure they’re there to stay), my stretchmarks are invisible now but holy fuck am I still super self-conscious about them, etc etc etc. 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a vet surgeon so much. 38. Haircolour: Right now? Henna-dyed red, it’s sort of brick-red now. 39. Long or short hair: I have a mohawk that’s long enough to reach the small of my back. So... Both? 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Sure <3 41. What do you like about yourself: My hands are pretty and I can do lots of things with them, like blacksmithing and carpentry and rude gestures. 43. Bloodtype: I THINK it’s O-? I can’t remember right now. It’s on some paperwork somewhere around here. 44. Nickname: Dan No, Dan Pls, Dan Would You Just Stop 45. Relationship status: I think they’re both going pretty well? 46. Zodiac: Aries  47. Pronouns: Neither He/Him/His or They/Them/Theirs feels ‘right’ but because English is a woeful pain in the ass, I’ll accept either of those. 48. Favourite TV Show: Right now it’s American Gods. 49. Tattoos: SOON. Once I get a new spot to live sorted out, I got some promises to keep. 50. Right or left hand: Right. 51. Surgery: Broken wrist, had a chunk carved out of my foot, had my thigh cauterised shut because I kept tearing the stitches and I decided I didn’t care. Had some bits and pieces extracted. Had broken tooth bits fished out of my jaw. At some point in the future there’ll be major chest surgery. 52. Hair dyed in different colour: SO MANY. I had to cool it with that once I started getting scared of my hair falling out. I used to be Billy Idol peroxide-white, though, I think that was the worst for it. 53. Sport: I don’t sport? I like watching Swordcraft battles. I think that’s a sport. 55. Vacation: The Murray River, up around Sunraysia, about 12km downriver from Loch 11. Not that I’ve thought about it at all. 56. Pair of trainers: I don’t know if I have any, actually. I wear my boots to death, though, they need resoling now I’ve ground the heels hollow again. MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: Right now? Kabana and some baked beans. Whatever I could find in the kitchen. 58. Drinking: Cheap coke. 59. I’m about to: Write something, I hope, if my brain stays still. 61. Waiting for: Word back about the last rental lease we applied for. 62. Want: Not gonna lie, I would pay $50 for someone to come lie in bed with me and tell me it’s gonna be okay while we spoon and watch American Gods. 63. Get married: Afraid I can’t. Australia’s fun like that. 64. Career: *distant, bitter laughter* WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person. It’s hard to screw up a hug, though. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: Depends on what I intend to do with them 68. Older or younger: Older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms, I have such a weird envy thing for good shoulders. 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, because holy shit I am all nervous all the time and loud is bad for me 72. Hook up or relationship: Hmmm. I mean, both have their pros and cons. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I am naturally really cautious, so hesitant, I guess. HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: Yep 75. Drank hard liquor: Yessir. I got a bottle of gin beside my chair at all times, lately. Beautiful Tanqueray. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I don’t have either, though I probABLY REALLY SHOULD 77. Turned someone down: Yeah, it was so awkward. Poor thing, really. 78. Sex in the first date: Why wouldn’t I? 79. Broken someone’s heart: Ayyeh... Yeah, pretty often. I’m kind of garbage. 80. Had your heart broken: Yes. 81. Been arrested: No! A low bar, I know, but something I’m proud of. 82. Cried when someone died: Still doing it, now and then. 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes. DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Hah. I believe that other people believe in me and I don’t want to disappoint them, how’s that? 85. Miracles: In a way. I don’t think of them as miracles, though. 86. Love at first sight: Not the kind of love that ought to last. 87. Santa Claus: Nah 88. Kiss on the first date: Hell yeah smooches. 89. Angels: How christian-specific of you. OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: I always hated the idea that asking that question was normal and acceptable. Just makes other friends feel inadequate. 91. Eyecolour: Blue-grey, there’s a bit of brownish-gold around the middle I got from my mother. 92. Favourite movie: The Man Who Fell To Earth. It makes me cry a lot. Or Showgirls, because I cannot watch it without laughing, it’s a trainwreck that never stops giving.

[wwesmutdonedirtcheap]

I Hate That I Want You

Request - Reader is assigned to be Baron’s manager and neither one are happy about it. - Anon. Mostly Smutty, Kinda Fluffy.  Took a little page out of Miz’s playbook for one scene, you’ll know which one. ;)

@blondekel77 @wweismyguiltypleasure

@lavitabella87

@writergrrrl29

@charlitflair @lip-sync @emmarablack @lunaticfringe216 @amberhere-hi @thatonegirloncealways @queenreignsempire @debeauxmots @kittencutie245 @ilovesamizaynn @banrioncethlenn @screamersdontdance @redalternativefirefly @filthy-parade @welshwitch5 @nickysmum1909 @msgem @uberduber-loulou @cutester  @harleyquinnnikki @lclb12 @imagines–assemble @wrasslin-rollins @xenofi  @daywalker666 @heilisk @racheo91 @lilmisscrisis  @alexispoo

@wrasslesmut   @hardcorewwetrash

@ashleyvc88

@caramara3         @underwaterwonderwoman

@skyemeetsreignsmain

@shadow-of-wonder

@randyortonstattoos

@50-shades-of-roman-reigns   @sarahmatthews7     @hiitsmecharlie

@tooweirdforlifex  @covergirlcollarbones  @valeonmars  @daintymissdevitt

@dolph-wwe   @pjanina13   @enzoshair   @emmarablack @legitlunatic

@ashleymarie2021 @fangirltrash-25  @phlebotomyprincess1  @devittslegos

@avixenwrites     @iloveenzoamore     @theitscammy     @thatonegirloncealways     @finnbalorsbabygirl     @lavitabella87   @thedeboniardevistation   @fmlallthewayup    @itsjustemillly  @karaboomhower   @msgem  @iceninekiller-blog-blog    @littledeadrottinghood

@bizclizbaybay

“You have to be joking. What did I do to deserve this?”

Shane laughed and ran his hand over the back of his neck.

“Nothing, I just think that adding something new to Corbin’s image might help vamp up his appeal that’s all.”

“But he’s a straight up asshole out there,” I shook my head “I’m not! It doesn’t even make sense to put us together.”

“That’s the beauty of it,” he shrugged “I think the audience is going to love the fact that you two can’t agree on anything.”

“This is the worst idea you have ever had,” I huffed, folding my arms across my chest.

“McMahon!”

I heard Baron’s booming voice as he walked down the hall and turned into the room we were standing in.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“You should think twice before speaking to me that way,” Shane pointed a finger at him.

“I don’t need her,” he scoffed, motioning to me “I’m supposed to be the lone wolf. I’m designed to be on my own. Now I gotta carry her too? Getting in my business? I’m supposed to be going for the title soon and she’s gonna be out there for it? Doing what? Helping me win? That makes me look weak as shit.”

“It’s final,” Shane turned to pick up some papers lying on his makeshift desk “No more discussions. You’ll meet with Creative tonight to work out the details.”

He left us alone, glaring at each other.

“You stay out of my way, you got me?” Baron growled before turning to leave me alone.

I had been with the company for a little over three months. I had gotten the job based on my friendship with Shane, who I met as an intern in the corporate office. I had become one of the backstage interviewers but for some reason Shane thought thrusting me into the spotlight would be a much better idea. I hated it.

First of all, interviewing someone backstage paled in comparison to actually performing in a storyline in front of the crowd. Second, of all the people to pair me up with Corbin was probably the worst possible choice. He was arrogant and selfish. The times I had interviewed him, he had an heir of being too good to talk to me. Not to mention he towered over me, making him even more intimidating.

Creative set up the whole storyline for us. We would have a segment with Shane and Daniel, where they put us together in an effort for Baron to get along with and trust someone. Baron of course was supposed to go off, which he did. I was supposed to cower and plead for them to pick someone else, which I did. None of it was acting in the least.

“You wearing that?” Baron looked me up and down as we stood backstage.

“What’s wrong with it?” I looked down at the shimmery white dress and boots wardrobe had dressed me in.

“Doesn’t go with my image,” he snarled.

“It’s not supposed to,” I rolled my eyes “You’re missing the whole point.”

“No I’m not,” he ran his hand through his wet hair “The point of this is there isn’t one.”

I let out a sigh and stared to pace nervously behind the curtain.

“Just stay behind me and out of my way,” he glanced over at me.

“Whatever,” I whispered, more to myself than to him.

The audience had mixed reviews. I was a fan favorite as far as interviewers go and Baron was one of the biggest heels in the company. I think most of them were just as confused as we were.

After his entrance, I came out behind him. As we walked down the ramp, we were supposed to be arguing since we had just found out about our arrangement. That was easy.

“This is fucking stupid,” Baron spat at me “You can just go have a seat over there in the crowd.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled, finally finding some sort of voice to combat him “You need me now.”

“I don’t need anybody,” he ran his hand over his chin

His match was against Dolph and he easily dominated him. It took less than five minutes to get him into the End of Days and pin him for the count. Baron slid out of the ring before I could climb in and walked off, leaving me alone. The fans booed him and he waved them off.

This went on for several months. As the days went by, he became less and less annoyed with my presence. His insults subsided into mere snarky comments. I tried to stay out of the way as much as possible, although occasionally I was asked to provide distraction. At first Baron hated that, but we were becoming somewhat popular with the fans because of our constant banter. That helped move him up the card and he accepted that part of that was because of me.

“You ready?” he looked over at me as we stood, waiting to go out for his contract signing with AJ for his title match at the next pay-per-view.

I nodded, looking down at my outfit. Over time, I had transitioned into outfits more in tune with his look. I had on a tight pair of black skinny jeans and a ripped white t-shirt. His jeans matched mine and he had on his latest t-shirt with the sleeves cut off.

“Vast improvement from where we started,” he smirked.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I smiled up at him.

It was one of the first times we had ever smiled at each other and I felt a little flutter in my stomach.

Butterflies?

For Baron Corbin?

We made it to the ring, where AJ and Daniel waited with the contract table. Daniel, trying to keep things politically correct, started out by discussing the ever growing feud between them over the last few months.

“You can quit talking, Daniel,” Baron picked up his mic “Just show me where I sign.”

AJ reached for his microphone and a pleased smirk came across his lips.

“You think you got my number, don’t you Corbin? Let me tell you somethin’, you don’t hold a candle to me. I am the best wrestler in the world and it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than an End of Days to keep me down. You got me?…Besides, the only number you have around here is Y/N’s since you sleep with her every night.”

I felt my jaw drop. That wasn’t in the script. Not even in the plan at all. We weren’t supposed to be anything but business partners.

I saw Baron’s jaw tighten and he picked up the table tossing it aside. Daniel slid out of the ring.

“She’s pretty damn cute though, I gotta admit,” AJ motioned to me “I guess if I was in your place, I’d be gettin’ it to.”

Baron lunged for AJ, his fist connecting to his jaw. AJ fell backwards and the two of them started fighting. Only, they were really fighting. AJ’s lip was busted open and before long, his head was too.

Referees filled the ring, trying to rip them apart.

Baron had been busted open on the side of his head, blood running down his neck.

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth Styles!” Baron screamed when they were finally pulled apart.

“You hit that! You know you do!” AJ taunted him.

I stood in the corner, unable to move or say anything. What in the hell was going on?

Baron lunged for him again and grabbed him by his hair, slinging him down and getting on top of him again, his fists pounding AJ’s face.

“Don’t you ever talk about her like that again!” Baron shouted.

They were finally pulled apart for good, AJ needing help to get backstage.

The audience had been going crazy the whole time. Suddenly, chants of Corbin filled the arena. They were actually cheering for him. He had suddenly became a face without even knowing it.

“Come on,” Baron grabbed my hand, helping me out of the ring and backstage.

“Corbin!” one of the medics motioned him into a room and immediately started cleaning up the gash in his head.

“Staples?” Baron asked.

“Oh yeah,” the medic laughed “I’ll be right back.”

I stood beside the table he was sitting on, unable to speak for a minute. Finally, I found my voice.

“What was that?”

“Styles is a dick,” he grimaced, running his fingers lightly over the wound.

“But, you didn’t have to do what you did,” I walked closer to him “I mean, you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you,” he grunted from the pain “Besides, I have to defend you out there.”

“That wasn’t part of the show and you know it.”

“Maybe it wasn’t,” he looked up at me “I couldn’t stand there and let him talk about you like that. You’re not some fucking slut.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled shyly “For defending my honor, I guess.”

“Yeah, no problem,” he groaned.

The door opened and I was ushered out so he could get his staples.

Daniel came down the hallway, eyes blazing.

“What the hell was all that?”

“AJ started it,” I leaned against the wall.

“He disrespected you and I apologize for that,” Daniel stood in front of me “He will be dealt with accordingly but Corbin went crazy out there. He’s gonna have to be fined.”

“Fined?” I sank my head back against the cool tile of the wall “What about his title shot?”

“It’s still on,” he sighed “The crowd loved it. Styles is irate but I think we’ve calmed him down.”

“I’m sorry, Daniel,” I sighed “I didn’t know that…”

“Not your fault,” he ran his hand over his beard “Looks like Corbin has gotten a little attached to you after all.”

“Who would have believed he was capable of feeling anything for anyone?” I laughed lightly.

My mind was racing. He had risked getting his title shot taken away, for me. All because AJ said some disgusting things, he had charged him like a bull.

I had to admit it was kind of a turn on. My stomach had the butterflies more than ever.

Daniel patted me on the shoulder before leaving me alone. A few minutes later, the door opened and the medic came out.

“He’s all stapled up.”

I went back into the room and grimaced at the five staples that had been placed along the side of Baron’s head. It looked so painful.

“How bad does it hurt?”

“Not that bad,” he shrugged, sliding off the table “He gave me a shot of morphine first.”

“That would explain part of it,” I laughed.

“Look,” he walked closer to me “What AJ said, don’t listen to it ok? I mean, you’re a fuckin’ saint for putting up with me the last couple months. Honestly, I didn’t expect it.”

“Expect what?” I looked up into his eyes.

“I didn’t expect to actually start to care about somebody besides myself,” he finished, before walking out the door.

I got back to my hotel room later than usual. I couldn’t shut off my thoughts so I kept walking around aimlessly.

Did AJ really think we were fucking?

Did Baron actually have feelings for me or did he just hate me less than everybody else?

What in the hell was going on in my life? It used to be so simple.

This was all Shane’s fault.

Should I be thanking him or threatening him?

When I stepped off the elevator, I was surprised to see Baron sitting on the floor in front of my hotel room. His legs were drawn up, with his arms stretched out on them.

“Where you been?” he looked over at me.

“I just, uh, I went for a walk,” I wrapped my pea coat tighter around myself.

“I was kind of worried about you,” he stood up.

“Really? The Lone Wolf worried about somebody other than himself?” I kidded him.

“Stop,” he reached out and put his hands on my shoulders, preventing me from getting to my door.

“What?” I did my best to lick the nervous smile off my lips.

“I’ve been thinking about what I did tonight,” he tightened his grip “I couldn’t figure out why I did it…Why I got so fuckin’ mad…”

I wanted to say something but the butterflies were distracting me.

“But I figured it out,” his hand slid up to the side of my face “It’s because of you. It’s because there’s something about you that makes me want to protect you…Don’t get me wrong, you make me mad as hell…”

I laughed against his hand.

“But that’s ok,” he licked his lower lip “Cause I think it’s kind of hot.”

“Hot,” I repeated, my eyes darting all over his face.

“Yeah,” he tilted my chin up “Everything about you…It does something to me.”

He tilted his head down and I stood up on my tip toes so our mouths could meet. His thumb traced circles on the side of my face, as his tongue pressed against mine. I heard him growl into my mouth as our kiss deepened and I instantly felt a rush between my thighs.

His mouth parted at last and a little smile crept up one side of his lips.

“Good night,” he said in a hoarse voice, drawing his hand away from my face and walking down the hall.

I couldn’t sleep. I literally could not get that kiss out of my head. Tossing and turning could only last so long before you went crazy.

At three in the morning, I got up and slid my robe over my silk tank top and pj shorts. I padded down the hall to the single room I knew Baron was staying in and knocked on the door.

A sleepy eyes Baron, dressed in only a pair of sweat pants that hung low on his hips opened it. His hair was tied up in a bun on the top of his head.

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” I managed to get out, my voice shaky with nerves “About you kissing me and…”

He pulled me by the waist into his room and shut the door.

“You want to stay with me tonight?” he looked down at me, his tone serious.

I nodded, biting on my bottom lip.

“Fuck,” he breathed out, his hands taking my face and his perfect mouth finding mine again.

I moaned softly against his ear, as he started trailing kisses down my neck and throat. His tongue gliding along my skin.

“What you did tonight,” I panted, as his hands slid my robe off “It was so fucking hot.”

“That motherfucker better keep his mouth shut,” Baron picked me up.

I wrapped my legs around him and he lightly pressed his forehead to mine.

“How did this happen?” he growled, his mouth going back to nibbling on my neck as his hands slid up my sides.

“I don’t know,” I gasped, as he moved us toward the bed.

He lay me on top of his already slept on sheets and crawled in beside me. We rolled over to face each other, his hands roaming all over me.

“I don’t care about people,” he insisted, his fingers sliding over my stomach underneath my top.

“I know,” I nodded, my hands gliding over his bare chest.

“Why do I care about you?” he nipped at my lower lip with his teeth.

“I don’t know,” I gasped, his fingers hooking into my shorts and wiggling them off me.

“Shit, I do,” he almost seemed mad at himself “I fuckin’ do and I can’t stop.”

My panties and shorts were tossed to the floor. His warm fingers slid along my pussy and I moaned when he started to massage my aching clit.

“You’re wet,” he growled against my ear “I did that to you?”

I nodded, unable to say a word as he increased his pace.

“That feels good?” he bit at my earlobe “Tell me.”

“Yes,” I managed to moan out “Please don’t stop doing it.”

He laughed against my neck, sliding three fingers inside me.

“Oh god,” I moaned, leaning against his body.

My teeth grazed the top of his shoulder and he hooked his fingers sharply.

“Fuck,” he groaned, his eyes glued to my face.

I felt that familiar feeling of release approaching and I threw my head back.

“Baron, please,” I squealed “Please don’t…”

He increased pressure on my clit and I felt myself contract around his large fingers.

“Shit,” I gasped, sliding my nails down his chest.

“That'a girl,” he brought my mouth to his as he eased out of me.

I roamed my hands down his stomach and pushed his pants down.

He laughed, taking them off and rolling me over on my other side. He hooked my leg up over his hip and pressed his warm mouth to my ear.

He eased into me and I heard him gasp in pleasure. His breathing increasing immediately as he began to thrust inside me.

Baron’s hands came up to roam over my breasts in my top and his fingers twisted my nipples.

“Fuck,” I leaned back against him, his mouth going to my neck.

I felt him suck a small patch of flesh there and then smile against it proudly.

His hands then roamed down to my hips, digging into them and thrashing me against him.

“I’ve never had a pussy this tight,” he gasped “Fuck, you feel good.”

“Like you said, I’m not a slut,” I panted, as I felt one of his hands grab hold of my hair.

“No you’re not baby,” he hissed between his teeth “You’re just mine.”

I felt his mouth glide along my cheek, as he tugged me by my hair closer to him.

“That all right with you?” he whispered in my ear.

“Yes,” I squealed, as I felt both of us nearing our climax.

His hips slapped against me so hard that I thought he might break me. Finally, I clamped down around his dick.

“Shit!” I moaned, the sensation of it so strong that I almost passed out “Baron, oh my god!”

“Fuck,” he grunted, pulling out of me.

I felt his cum hit the back of my thighs, as he tried to avoid getting it on me to no avail.

I gasped for air, managing to roll over to face him. He was panting too, trying to get oxygen back into his lungs so he could speak.

“That…was…amazing,” I managed to breathe out.

“Fuck yeah,” he gasped, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me close.

“When you win that title on Sunday, I think you should kiss me in the ring,” I giggled.

“Already planned on it,” he growled, drawing my mouth to his again.

[writingcommons-blog1]

“Major Defect” by Nicole D.

NICOLE I could never, in the six months I had worked for Menards, understand why it was necessary to roll the entire defective product bin all the way to the back of the store when there were only three or four items sitting in the bottom. I mean, honestly, what’s the harm in letting them chill in there overnight so we can fill it up the next day? It would make way more sense to roll it back when it was full, but I digress. It wasn’t my job to dictate these kinds of things; only to move the damn things.  

Two people, each from different alternating departments, were assigned to take the two large bins back to the trash compactor. On the day this story began, the plumbing department and the cashiers fell victim to the rotation. After [not] much deliberation amongst the front-end managers, yours truly was selected to take one for the cashiers. Along with me was a young man, about my age, named Tyler. He was your typical guy who could invoke a ‘holy shit, he’s hot’ reaction from a number of women, myself included. Nothing like a tall, slender man with reddish brown hair and just enough facial hair to call a goatee to get you motivated. Come on, if that wasn’t going to motivate me to take one of those huge defect bins across the entire store, nothing was.  

“Are there really only a couple things in this frickin’ bin?” he groaned. 

“Yea, but sadly we still have to take them back,” I shrugged. I could feel my face was on fire and yet, no matter how much I tried to look down or avoid direct eye contact, somehow I still felt like it was obvious. 

“Oh, I am not taking that back with just that shit in it. Wait here.” 

“Um - ok,” I muttered as he walked away. Those cowboy boots made his ass look great, not that it was important, but damn was it a good view to pass the time while I waited. As I stood there I could hear footsteps approaching behind me. Since everyone was hustling around the store trying to get closing duties done, I didn't think anything of it until someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turn around to find the assistant manager of the cashiers, Nathan. 

"Hey, who did they send from plumbing to take the defect bins back with you?" he asked.

"Tyler, why?"

"Oh, I was just curious. Are you two friends?"

"We just met, so I wouldn't quite say that."

"Ok, well I just wanna let you know that he's gay."

Gay? Well fuck. Skip to the third strike guys, because I'm already out. At the same time, however, I was really curious as to why Nathan was telling me this. 

"Wow, ok. Is there a reason that is important to this conversation?" I asked.

"Everyone knows. Just wanted to keep you in the loop," he replied before walking away. Hearing his explanation really didn't provide any kind of closure to my question, but it did get me thinking. If Nathan is telling me that Tyler is gay the first time I ever get to interact with him, then how many other people talk about his sexuality behind his back? Nathan met his girlfriend down the entryway and I could see them talking and looking back at me. I guess that answers my own question; it must be everyone.

Minutes later he returned with a car full of dirty and broken parts that had pink defect stickers all over them.  

“What the hell is this, Tyler?” I laughed. 

“If there is actually shit to take back, I’ll take it back. There wasn’t any, so I found some. Just call me Major Defect!” 

“How did you get all of this?” I asked through the laughter at his new nickname. 

“I have my ways, Boo,” he said with a wink. I got all giddy inside because now I had a pet name. I guess we are friends. 

“You are a lifesaver, Babe.”  I could get away with saying that, right? 

“Babe?” he asked with a confused look in his eyes. Damn, I guess not. 

“I call all my friends that, male and female.” 

“Oh, cool then. I have never known anyone who actually does that!” 

“Really? I’m from a small town, so we call everyone Babe and Honey. Baby is for significant others only.”  

“Believe me, I had never heard of anything like that until I met my boyfriend, Casey. He calls everyone ‘Dear’.” 

Boyfriend? Nathan wasn't kidding, I guess. 

“Wow!” I exclaimed with a super fake smile. “I use that one too.”  

At this point I was pretty bummed. Not because I had realized that I was talking about the insane hotness of a gay guy, but at the fact that I now knew everyone in the entire store knew and was talking about it. At least, on the bright side, a hilarious friendship blossomed from the fun, albeit embarrassing, experience.  

TYLER "Hey Boo!" I shouted from my desk in plumbing. Nicole was bringing some returns back from the service desk. Her arms were full of PVC pipe. I was on my way out to have lunch with Casey, so I went over to her to have a quick chat.

"Hey Babe," she said, "what's up?"

"What are you doing tonight? I know you procrastinate just as bad as I do, so you won't judge me for this. Christmas is only a week away and I need some help getting my tree home and getting ready. You in?"

"I am into it, around it, and all up in it! I'll follow you home after work."

She was smiling at the idea, her smile almost as bright as the single diamond in the center of her cross necklace. Suddenly I began to think about last Christmas. Casey tried to call his mother about coming home for the holidays. She simply told him that it’s Jesus’ birthday and Jesus doesn’t approve of homosexuals. Apparently being gay means you can’t celebrate Christmas now. 

"That sounds great, but there is something I need to ask you."

"What is it?" she asked.

"Are you religious?"

"Well that's a bit random, but yes, I'm Christian."

"Shit," I muttered. Casey is going to hate me for being friends with her. Now what?

"Don't tell me you're going to lump me in with all the gay shaming sign holders."

"No, it's just my boyfriend Casey. He's going to be home tonight and he is very anti religious."

"What led to that?"

"Let's just say he had a really rough transition when he first started college here."

"Oh, that's too bad. I just won't mention anything about God around him. Not my lover, not my life," she said. I have always loved how non judgemental she is. That's probably why we are such good friends.

"Ok, and don't say anything about being Christian or going to church either. He hasn't ever met a Christian who doesn't immediately tell him he's going to hell," I explained.

"Well then we will just leave that out when you introduce us. If we decide to tell him, maybe then we just shouldn't lead with that information. Save it for later on after he likes me." 

I like the way she thinks.

"Awesome, well I have to get going, Casey is actually coming by to pick me up for lunch.”

"Alright, have a good time!" she waved and carried on with her PVC pipe stocking. Not even a few moments later I noticed Casey coming in the front entrance. He jogged over to me and gave me a hug. 

"You ready to go?" he asked me. 

"Of course! Shall we make our way to our extravagant McDonald's lunch?" He chuckled and put his arm around me as we started walking out the door and towards the car. 

As we were in line at the restaurant making our order, a woman stood by her husband staring daggers at me and Casey. She looked like the typical soccer mom. The type who would immediately pull the "my husband is a cop" card, or something of that nature. Her hubby was pretty buff looking, so I wouldn't have been surprised. They were both wearing shirts that were from a church of some kind and covered in scripture and crosses. I turned around to see Case with our bag of food ready to go. We made our way out the door and started walking across the parking lot to our car. He put the bag on the roof while he dug through his bag to find his keys. It seemed like it was taking forever. 

Suddenly we heard tires screeching directly behind us. Lo and behold it was that same couple from inside pulling out of their spot and headed right past us. Next thing I know I felt a sudden bomb of freezing cold substance all over my torso. I looked up at the car and see the husband sticking his middle finger out of the window.

"Fuckin' faggots!" he shouted at us, his wife cackling in the passenger seat. As they drove off into the distance, I noticed a plethora of "I love Jesus" and "He is risen" bumper stickers. That explains the shirts, I guess.

Casey nearly charged after their car, but I threw an arm in front of him before he could gain too much momentum. He slapped me upside the head and scolded me for getting in his way. He always does things like that, so I try not to get on his nerves, but sometimes you do what you have to do. I looked down at myself, covered in what I believed to be a chocolate milkshake of some kind. Most people would think this would have been hard to explain to their coworkers, but they gossiped about me enough. I'm sure they could put two and two together. 

"Let's go. I should get back to work," I muttered quietly. Casey shook his head and walked over to the driver side. 

"I saw those stickers on their car," he said. "Those damn Christians will never accept us, you know that."

"I only stopped you because I don't want either of us to go to jail," I said. "And you don't think they should go to jail for half the shit they do to people like us? They are all the same, Tyler, and that's just the truth. They don't want to accept us or befriend us. They want to change us, hurt us, or even kill us," he said as he started to tear up. At that time I could only assume he was having flashbacks of his mother. 

We made our way back to Menards and once we arrived, I let out a big sigh before heading to the entrance. I turned to wave goodbye to Casey. Before I even get to the door I saw Nicole pushing carts from outside. She took one look at me and gasped in horror as she ran over and began asking me what happened.

"Just more faggot haters," I sighed. 

CASEY I waved as Tyler got out of the car and made his way inside with who I could only assume was Nicole. He talks about his friend at work named Nicole who has a collection of western boots. This girl had a very nice pair of American flag pattern boots, so I was sure it was a safe bet to assume it was her. I knew I should get out and introduce myself or at least wave as I drive by, but it wasn't a good time. I couldn't stop thinking about those stupid Jesus freaks in their stupid car with their stupid bumper stickers. Man, the whole thing was so stupid! I couldn't help but wonder if they didn't consider us human beings. 

The seething anger I was feeling took me further back into my memories from when I first moved here. Starting community college and being bookchecked by anyone and everyone who knew I was gay. I thought bookchecking was just a middle school thing, but I guess not. At least it wasn't anything I wasn't already use to. Even growing up things were really tough. Coming out to my parents was probably the worst. I'll never forget when my mother looked me in the eye and said "I will not have a gay son". At that point, I wasn't her son anymore and I went to Tylers. We lived together from that point on. 

Upon pulling into the driveway and getting parked, I sat back and just closed my eyes. I tried with everything I had to get out of this headspace and into a more positive mood. I was going to meet Tyler's best friend and then we would all decorate the house for Christmas. We both always had a hard time making friends, for obvious reasons, so this was actually a pretty big night. With that in mind, I went inside and began to make plans for dinner. 

NICOLE That evening, after we both finished our shifts for the day, I followed him home with his Christmas tree strapped on his roof and through the windows. As we pulled into his driveway, I caught a glimpse of who I thought to be Casey in the living room. He looked through the window and started jumping and clapping when he saw Tyler’s car. They waved to one another before he caught a glimpse of my car parking behind his and let out a big smile. Let the fun begin. 

We walked in and headed straight for the kitchen where we found Casey standing. He was dancing circles around the hardwood floors grabbing various pots, pans, and utensils to get ready for dinner. When he stopped and saw me, he glanced down at my Menards vest and realized I was Tyler’s coworker.  

“Oh my gosh, you must be Nicole!” he exclaimed as he threw his arms around me.  

“I’m guessing you must be Casey,” I chuckled awkwardly.  

“I’m so sorry Honey, we’re huggers here. I didn’t mean to catch you off guard."

“No, I love it! That means I’ll fit right in,” I giggled along with them. I was so excited because things were going great and I was really hitting it off with Casey. That's when my phone rang. It displayed "Pastor Larry" on the screen with a big picture of him during his Easter Sermon from earlier that year. I could feel Casey's stare before I even looked up to see it. 

"You’re a Christian?" he asked in a sinister demeanor. 

"Yes," I choked.

CASEY Without so much as a second thought, I grabbed a frying pan with my right hand and held it high in the air over my head. Then, with my left hand, I grabbed a spatula and pointed it at Tyler. From that point on it became an extension of my arm as I continued to use it in my gesturing.  

“You brought a Christian into this house?!” I shouted, pointing the spatula towards Nicole while staring angrily at Tyler with red, watery eyes. Honestly, for a hot minute, I felt scared for my life. These are the people who have attacked and ridiculed me all my life, and she was one of them? How dare Tyler bring her into our home!

“Whoa whoa whoa! Calm down, Casey, she’s cool! She’s one of the good ones!” Tyler shouted.

“Casey stop!” Nicole screamed. Tyler and I stopped in our tracks and turned our eyes directly to hers.  

“Yes, I’m Christian," she stated "but no, I don’t give a flying fuck if you like men or women. It doesn’t matter what I think, or what anyone thinks, whether they are Christian or not. Do what and who you want, I’m not going to tell you any different.” 

I lowered my kitchen utensil weapons and looked at her. I wondered if she could feel the inquisitive look I was giving her through the tears I could feel building in my waterline. Could she feel all the years of pain and suffering people like us have endured? I was still shaking with tears rolling down my face.

“It says in your precious Bible that people like us are an abomination,” I sniffled, “I just don’t understand how you can defend something like that and consider yourself chill enough to have gay friends.” At this point I was on a whole new level of anger.

“It also says in that same Bible that a woman who is not a virgin on her wedding night is to be taken to her father’s house and stoned to death. Do you think that nearly as many people would be married today if we still enforced that rule? There is a verse that says only the person who is without sin may cast the first stone. I’m not perfect either.” 

“You’re not an abomination like you people think we are. You’re not lesbian.” 

“Alright,” she snapped, “first off, I am not a part of some cult that you refer to as you people. I understand why you’re on guard, I do, but you’re overgeneralizing. Second, no I’m not homosexual, but I have sinned plenty according to that book. I’ve had relations out of wedlock, I’ve consumed alcohol underage, and I’ve certainly gone through times when I did not honor my mother and father. I’ve been  jealous and lusted after things I shouldn’t. Those are all sins according to the Bible, so if you want to have a stone throwing match, who goes first?” 

I stared her down through my angry tears.  

“There is nothing wrong with the way we are! We aren’t defective because we’re gay!” I shouted in intense agony. 

Suddenly, like breaking the tension in a depressing romance movie, I grabbed my coat and left the house after slamming the door behind me. I don't know who to blame right now, Tyler for bringing someone like her into our home or Nicole and the rest of her kind for everything they had ever done to us. My seething anger continued to grow and grow. I'll figure something out. 

TYLER Eventually Nicole and I found ourselves on my living room floor watching football and making decorations for the tree we had just set up. I let out a small sniffling sound, but it sounded more saddening than it did like a cold. I'm not a very good actor, apparently, because she clearly noticed. 

"Tyler, are you ok?" she asked, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"I'm scared and I don't know what to do," I confessed to her. "I have no idea if Casey is ever going to get past this, but at the same time I know I didn't do anything wrong. We couldn't plan for that! He's had such a rough life and this kind of thing really gets to him. What should I do?"

"Stop blaming yourself, for starters," she demanded, "and after that just live your life. He has every right to be on guard, you both do. After everything you guys have been through and still put up with every single day, there is nothing wrong with that. Personally, even as a Christian, I don't care what other people do because my choices are what determine my life. Why should I make a big deal about what other people are doing that I can't control?"

I began to cry with my face in my hands.

"Do you think he'll come back?" I choked. 

“I'm sure he will."

Later that night, after Nicole was gone for the night, I began to pick up our little arts and crafts mess. The place was quiet, which was not something I had ever planned on having to get use to. As I was walking through the living room cleaning up, I stopped by the Christmas tree to look at the ornaments. Right at my eye level there was a photo ornament with a picture of me and Casey on our first date. I felt a tear fall down my cheek, but I quickly wiped it away and continued working. 

All of a sudden the door flies open and I hear someone stomping up the stairs. It's Casey. Before I could open my mouth to welcome him home or ask if he was ok, I feel his hand on my throat.  

"Why would you do this to me?!" he screams in my face. 

"What are you talking about?" I choked out despite his hand on my neck. He releases me.

"Don't play dumb, Tyler. You knew she was religious yet you still invited her here. To a house with two gay men living in it."

"You heard for yourself, she doesn't care what we do!"

"That's what they all say! They say that 'only God can judge' and that it isn't their place to criticize your decisions, but that really doesn't apply to us. Everyone has already judge us and made it abundantly clear. We are going to hell and that's that, obviously."

"Would you stop it, Casey?" I pleaded. "She isn't like that, and had you not acted like a complete psycho and got to know her you would know that." 

"Don't call me a fucking psycho!" he shouted. After having barely finished his sentence he pulled back his right arm and launched his fist directly into my face. My right eye suffered the most. He continues his assault by pushing me down on the floor and pointing his finger in my face as he continues to yell about Nicole. I struggle underneath him, but manage to slip a leg inward and push it into his stomach, triggering his release of me. 

As he laid back on the floor, one hand on his pained midsection, I tried to reason with him. Before I could get more than half of a word out, he is storming into the kitchen. I troll behind but stay on the opposite side of the room, hoping he will calm down. He stood over the sink with his arms on the counter and his head down. I could hear him gasping for air between sobs, so I assumed he was collecting himself, but I was wrong.

Next thing I know he has one of the empty pickle jars I use for planting in his hand and he is charging after me with it held high over his head. I barely blinked before he smashed it into my head. Shattered glass was now strewn all over the kitchen and small red drops fell to the floor beneath my head as I tried to rise. I put my hand up to him.

"No more!"

Casey yanked me off the floor by my elbow and pinned me against the wall, his free hand on my throat. At one point I could almost feel my face turning blue. He leaned in real close to me and whispered something awful.

"When they come for you, do you really think she'll stay on our side?"

I knew exactly what he meant. That eventually push will come to shove and things will be at their point of life or death based on my being gay. He thinks that the religious folks will all stick together, no matter what they think individually, because of the God they worship. That's what he thinks about Nicole too. 

I feel a falling sensation as he lets go of my neck and I am back on the ground, curled up in agony. I tried to crawl my way to the living room to get my phone, but alas, I only made it to the staircase railing. Casey stood over me and then, as he smirked and shook his head, took his foot and nudged me just far enough to where I helplessly fell down the stairs. Once I reached the bottom I appeared to be a limp, lifeless body with my hair damp from the dripping blood. 

"Don't go anywhere," he chuckled maniacally, "I have some things I need to get."

I laid there helpless, of course, and obeyed his command. Not because I was intimidated or because I wanted to, but because I couldn't move. A little while later he comes down the stairs with multiple bags in hand. He opens the door, slamming it right onto my head that he had already damaged with the pickle jar, and looks down at me.

"You'll understand someday, but by then it will be too late for you." Needless to say, after he finally finished with me and left with his things, we were over. 

NICOLE "Tyler, what happened?" I yelled as I dashed over to him. His right eye was black, he also had cuts across his hairline and one on his bottom lip. Don’t get me started on the various bruises, or at least the ones I could see.

"Casey happened."

"Wait, he did this to you? I swear, if I see that boy again I'm gonna - "

"Don't bother," he said. "He's long gone now. We're over."

"I'm so sorry this happened, Babe. I never should have gone over. How can I fix this?"

"Stop blaming yourself, for starters," he smiled, using my own words against me. We both started chuckling, but not for long. Nathan and his girlfriend were approaching from down the aisle. 

"Heeey Tyler," he said, mocking him in the stereotypical "gay" voice. "What happened to your eye? Infection from the money shot your boyfriend gave you?"

Tyler lunged at Nathan, but fell short after I threw myself in front of him to hold him back. 

"Fuck off, Nathan!" he screamed, tears beginning to fill his eyes. 

"Whoa, chill! I was just concerned for your eye is all. No need to get all pissy about it," he chuckled, his girlfriend laughing along with him as they walked away. Tyler covered his eye with one hand and held his left out. 

"Do you have any concealer or foundation I could use to cover this up?"

"Of course," I reached into my purse and gave my concealer and a mirror to him. As he begins to cover up his black eye, I feel horrible for what just happened, but even worse for it happening every day and not being able to do anything to stop it. He was my friend, and he was suffering, but I was powerless to end it. I knew this was a huge problem in the community and in the world, yet I never realized just how much it affects everyone involved. Even the heterosexual friends of those who are LGBTQ are hurt, and I can certainly feel that now. That pain for Tyler and that pain for Casey, despite what he did. "I didn't realize things were this bad just because you are gay," I said to him. He hands me back my things and looks me in the eye.

"Most people don't, that's why it's such a problem in this world."

I begin to tear up along with him. We hug each other tightly. 

"I hope you know that you're not alone in this. Seeing these things and hearing about everything you've been through hurts me to hear it," I said to him. "Just remember, being gay is not a defect. You're perfect the way you are." 

Suddenly we hear our names called over the PA to take defect bins to the back. "Not a defect, huh?" he chuckles as he races to the bins and jumps up to sit on the side of one of them and do a superhero pose. "Then why do they call me Major Defect?"

We both busted out laughing.

[kitemist]

switched at birth season 5 episode 10 / series finale thoughts with spoilers

live reactions included.

Overall, I’m almost sobbing like the rest. Goodbye to this show I both hate and learned to love. <3

To be honest, even though I have been shitting on this show since I live reacted every episode of season 5, and some ever since I first saw it on netflix, it was in fact the first show that I bothered to binge a lot on, besides some 1 season anime, I am actually partially unprepared for this. Like, some parts have been nice actually. You got deaf representation(I am aware that it’s not the best, but it’s better than Hush), going into difficult subjects like rape, alcoholism, addiction, death, and trauma, and aside from all the romance, some drama that does in fact make sense and engages the audience into it.The writers may have no idea how deaf people actually work in real life, but the characters feel real aside from that. The camera people may have no consideration for some of the signing scenes, but they have great composition and lighting use other times. The music? Even though that’s not for the deaf audience, it is very engaging and the songs are always great choices. It’s a well made show, with lots of leaks, but it was well constructed.

My own personal experience with the deaf community, with those two sign language classes, seeing a deaf rapper(probably Sean Forbes) in person, going to a deaf convention and everyone still liked my hat and I bought a print from a deaf artist, was amazing. ASL class was instantly my favorite and I made new friends, and picked up new skills. I need to pick up again for sure, I still have the textbooks. It was very unique, and something you can never get from the hearing community. Some things you just DON’T REALIZE are extremely audio centric until you mute everything.

I’ve already been partially flooded with some spoilers thanks to the official twitter. Even though this is the finale, just like any other episode, it needs to chill. It retweets literally everything in their hashtag.

A shot of Daniel Durant? I hope you ALL are coming here. Well, not 100% everyone, but Vanessa Marano did say that a lot of other actors who weren’t working did come that shooting day, and even her sister (who sang an alternate theme song for Miraculous) came along too.

5 years ago? You’re IMMEDIATELY cutting so some things from season 1? That sure can get the flow going. 

Wow, Mom and Regina were sure bitches to each other. Regina being overly modest.

And back to the present without any other transition card.

Yeah, Mom confirms that they were bitches to each other.

This finale was directed by Lea Thompson, who is Mom. She also directed the episode where Alie came along. She is a good director, I’ll give her that. Somewhat.

So is Regina going back to Eric? Fuck.

Of course it would be the Alie pictures, because Emmett couldn’t control composition when it was himself being in front of the camera.

And Dad ruins all the fun. Such as that electric bill.

So Travis is going out again.

Yeah, that disaster which YOU thought of, and FORCE KISSED her, Travis.

Seeing this next shot of Daphne and Iris irritates me, because Daphne claims that Chris took the biggest fall for this cause, giving up the game and getting arrested. But Iris almost died and that was enough to get some big shots to move their asses. Iris gets that award. Not Cocky Chris.

Mingo continues to jump onto race to race. I still think he’s a racist. And an ass. He deserves NOTHING. Maybe you SHOULDN’T have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t have ANYTHING!

Good job coming up front about it.

And now the only conversation you two can have now is about your relationships away from each other.

It’s been what, months or something, and you still are calling her RED. God DAMMIT.

Yeah, how crazy would that be that an ATHLETIC TRAINER and a DOCTOR are going to be together, specifically you two?!

Toby has absolutely nothing aside from music. So Dad is bashing Bay for not having a backup plan for not getting into college that one time, and for not paying her bills, but lets Toby off the hook when he flies off to fuckin ICELAND and getting married, even though the first one tore him apart and the second one, although making less sense than the last one, is having difficulties since they are in the situation of taking care of a child which they have no idea how to do, and learning is hard. And not only that, Toby completely ditched college!!!

“Don’t you worry Eeyore. We’ll find your tail.” <3

Okay, Luca wants to hop onto the ride. From twitter, I know Regina just feels so inclined to tell him because she loves both of them, doesn’t she?!

“Let’s do it.” After thinking about your intense makeout session!?

“Tattooing has a long history of saying ‘screw you’ to society.” This show has never said anything truer and it’s about TATTOOS. You’d expect it to be about, i don’t know, DEAF PEOPLE?

If Bay tattoos a celebrity, then she’ll explode much like badass tattoo lady. Is that the case?

Daphne has a CART but looks to his lips the majority of this scene.

6 week paid internship. The only possibilities are Mingo and Daphne because this show.

THIS IS LITERALLY YOUR FIRST CONVERSATION, MELODY AND REGINA, THIS ENTIRE SEASON!!!

Melody is right. Which Regina isn’t doing because she’s just as if not more impulsive than her daughters.

And first time we’ve seen Melody’s boyfriend. in...forever. And he does not interpret for Regina. Or, doesn’t know to.

Yeah, thanks to neuroplasticity, you excel at all 3. Magically. Along with your magical lipreading.

You don’t like making art with other people, only OF other people. To be fair, that is in fact what photography is. Making art out of other people and other things.

Both of you are lone wolves. Emmett is...well, self-centered but not arrogant or egocentric. Bay is impulsive and can be violent. So you both have to be. But you both are magically compatible because reasons.

Yeah, you need a change. Actually, a lot of these characters can use a change. You’ve been sitting in the same city for 5 years, after all.

You’re gonna mirror this line from 4 seasons ago, from the promo. Also, 5 years ago, you were just as good at acting, Marano.

A second test...?

JOHN KNEW TOO?! THEN WHY--WHAT--WHAT THE FUCK

WHY

Yeah, you read lips TOO WELL.

Well fuck you too

Okay you have masks and it’s pretty audio centric. But you didn’t consider anything else to her face. Is mingo only going to get the job only because he can hear? He SUCKS at school, focusing, pushes his own body too much to care about anyone else’s, and he’s a horrible person!!

First conversation between Daphne and Emmett ever since..season 3? No idea. But it felt longer than just last season.

There’s the neck tattoo. And from this, I guess her disease is magically cured.

Also, how is Emmett taking pictures? You’ll have to crank your ISO so high all your photos would be a sandbox!

Is Dad purposely trying to avoid this conversation? That just confirms it.

Dad is so awkward right now trying to get around this.

And now Travis and Melody. Well, I guess her birthday doesn’t count because it turned out violent.

NATALIE!!! I MISSED YOU

Daniel Durant got kicked out because he was gay, huh?

Yeap.

Awww, season 1 moments. Gold old wilke who cared about making out more than anything else.

UM..THANKS NOELLE?

THANK YOU INDEED

You mean you WERE  in love with someone else. Luca was your boy toy until he unexpectedly came back!

Luca is bashing her for being unloyal to him, while he was lying so many damn times because reasons. Shut the fuck up Luca, no one deserves you anyway.

Hi Mom? ;v;

Yelling in her face because this is what all hearing people do when they have no idea how to deal with deaf people.

Thanks mom ;w;

This is how to be patient with someone with down syndrome huh...hmm.

Kara sort of did this to me, but not in a condescending sort of way. It was a way to quiet me down at Phoenix. Thank you, Kara.

Well, you and Mom did NOT try hard at all. Because Art thief’s big shot dad was too much for you to handle after ONE conversation.

After landing in something she finally wants to do, Travis wants to drag her along because..reasons. and it was Travis's own choice to go to china, not hers.

Well, that’s a stereotype breaker. Down syndrome people can have down syndrome caretakers. Toby’s really nice about that.

First conversation between Daphne and her mom since the racist outfit.

And John couldn’t stand it. Great. He can’t stand ANYTHING!

Yeah, women are tough. Just not you, Regina, partially. Kathryn took no shit at all, while you didn’t let anything good happen to you because you victimized yourself.

Every relationship is different, even in this show. But all of them, in this show, are crap.

What else are you expecting, Mom? You’re quite the digger.

;n; thanks dad.

Bay. What are you doing with this mirrored line.

Come with them, Daniel. It’s a much safer place.

Aw, Toby and Lily. Dorks.

Bay has grown up so much here and I am proud. ;v;

YEAH. THAT FUCKING ACT.

YEAH, FUCK THAT GUY

Will!!! ;v;

wait WHAT

okay...this was the path that grandma wanted angelo to take.

this should have happened SO LONG AGO

yup. hey, daniel. :3

WHAT? PASSING ON GALLAUDET? FOR HIM? ;W;

</3 ;n;

LUCKY YOU BECAUSE THIS IS HOW THAT SHOW WORKS.

Well, You ARE a jerk, no matter what you seem, mingo.

You two are the dumbest.

no you do not.

well. not like daphne had anyone else.

hey, what a spot to meet up at. seems so familiar.

“he was my first love.” i didn’t like this ship, but ;v;

aww, a montage.

OH FUCK THIS, REALLY

Well. Looks like you can be the first good ex’s. In the history of switched at birth. What a nice ending scene for them. See you around.

So many scrapbook pictures...

Hey dad, what do you want.

well, thanks dad.

Regina’s leaving, yup.

Is bay the most shaken up? ;w;

</3 DON’T DO THIS TO ME.

If we never met..well..i would both love it and not like it.

THANKS, PERSISTENT VANESSA MARANO, FOR ALWAYS FINDING YOUR BIRTH PARENTS.

DAD </3

I THINK THE ACTORS ARE ALL CRYING IN REAL LIFE FOR THIS? </3

SHUT UP BAY ;v;

JUST EAT ALREADY--

OKAY, THE COMET.

Let’s all go out now.

Heh. the iconic shot.

We’re all here now.

What a beautiful shot.

</3

Holy SHIT. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted, but this was enough loose ends tied up for me. What a beautiful ending. I couldn’t have asked for a better one even with these loose ends. All our characters are happy, and we can leave off with a good note. Thanks, Switched at Birth. I will and won’t miss you.

I’ll give you 9.4/10.