#the breakup/moving out double whammy

[magniloquent-raven]

I keep having thoughts about what might've happened to Tommy to get him that spooked about the moving in conversation, and I figure maybe the last place he lived was an ex's house, but that's not the whole story.

And the place he's in now, it's important to him. There's a lot of reasons he freaked out that night talking to Buck, and a big one is the thought of giving up that little space he carved out for himself after the last time he got his heart broken. Because it wasn't just a breakup, it blew up his life. Maybe he came home to find his ex with someone else, maybe the guy just kicked him out with no warning and no explanation. Tommy spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why he wasn't good enough, throwing himself into work and not telling anybody he was living out of his truck.

He didn't really think of it as being homeless. He had his stuff, his job, he showered in the locker room and spent his weekends at the laundromat combing through realty websites and apartment listings. It wasn't like he was sleeping in a cardboard box or anything, he was...fine. Mostly.

He doesn't realize how Not Fine it was until he's three months settled into his new place, and he just spent four hours looking everywhere for a charging cable he's only now remembering got stolen out of his truck the day after his ex dumped him. It all hits him at once, and he breaks down.

The next few years are spent building. Turning the house into something that feels like his own. But using it to isolate himself. It's his, and no one else's. And that's what it will always be.

[demoralizedreprobate]

January 1992 WWF magazine article. Is there anything wrong with the Rockers?

transcript below the cut

(1)

If you've noticed something different about Rockers Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty lately, there's a reason. WWF Magazine has discovered that friction and possibly even anger have developed between the two young athletes known as the "Masters of Motion." Personal differences have disrupted the tag team that has had perhaps the smoothest coordination in the WWF, and the dissension between the two men may have repercussions on their performance in the ring.

As of this writing, the impact has been subtle. But our investigative reporter- who, for reasons of confidentiality goes unidentified- has been observed carefully. The lightning tag that made the Rockers famous have slowed ever so slightly, but enough at times to lessen their effectiveness. On an increasing number occasion, one or another Rocker has been left in the ring to weather a storm that could have been avoided by a swift tag out of trouble. Tags have been missed, something that never happened before. It is difficult to say for certain, but it appears that the partner who is out of the ring sometimes seems distracted and thus misses the opportunity to receive the tag. It seems that the timing of the duo's moves has been slightly off, but given their great athleticism, it has not had the adverse impact that it might have Nevertheless, a sharp eye ca detect a change.

Most obvious to our reporter has been the effect upon a Rockers' trademark- legal double-teaming. After a tag, the ember of a team who has bowed out has five seconds to vacate the ring or be in violation of the rules. Swift as lightning, the Rockers have made the most of those precious seconds, hitting opponents with a legal double whammy-

(2)

-so speedy that some critics have thought it a foul. That has not been the case. It's just that the Rocker are so fast that together they can do in a flash what takes several minutes for most teams to accomplish.

We have tried to determine the source of the friction between Jannetty and Michaels who, as we went to press, deny it exists.

Both Michaels and Jannetty are aggressive, active, high-spirited young men with a zest for life, quick tempers and great pride in themselves. Each has an ego. Each strives for accomplishment. Each wants recognition. Therein could lie in the seeds of the problem. Have they been too close? Do they feel they feel they need separate identities?

Marty Jannetty and Shawn Michaels of the Rockers may be headed for a breakup. Although on the surface they still seem to be working smoothly as a tag team, expert eyes have picked up slight miscues when Michaels and Jannetty are in the ring, highly uncharacteristic of the Rockers.

(3)

Perhaps each is losing his identity to the other . That's understandable. In many ways, they are like twins. Their style in and out of the ring is identical.

Given each man's spirit of competition, is it not fate that they will compete with one another?

They have competed bot in and out of the ring. We have found out that Jannetty and Michaels have argued heatedly about the contributions of each to the team's success- and about their failure to achieve the pinnacle of greatness- the WWF Tag Team Title. Heard behind closed doors: "You're holding us back. I'm doing it all." The speaker- either Jannetty or Michaels- could not be identified.

This kind of discord does happen in even the most successful WWF tag teams. It's a rough road, wearing and often brutal. WWF wrestlers are proud and aggressive individuals. They must be to survive. Being a member of a team demands that some of these qualities subverted for the betterment of the duo. The great teams smooth it over. Just listen to Hawk and Animal of the Legion of Doom.

"Sometimes after a tough match we're so wired up and have been so banged around that we get testy with each other," says Hawk. "But in the end, this goes by the boards. We survive because we put differences aside and work together."

"As any tag team knows, I live by him and he lives by me," says the Animal. "We stick together or go down together. It's the law of the ring. Outside the ring we're close but we still go our own ways."

Jealousy and competition with one another may spell the end of Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty as a tag team.

It appears that Jannetty and Michaels have also had trouble outside the ring. It's no secret that many young women idolize them. They both have many female friends. So why do the Rockers argue over which of them is most appealing to the opposite sex? It makes no sense. But they do, sometimes to the boiling point. Possibly it could have to do with their competitiveness and aggressiveness.

Without a doubt, you can attribute some of the Rockers' problems to youth. But we feel there is more to it. Someone is rocking the Rockers' boat. And if you rock the boat too much it sinks. If the boat loses control, it hits the beach, smashes into the rocks and then splinters into pieces. Are the days of smooth sailing over for the Rockers?

[extraterrestrialechos]

Ed treats him as different than them too. That’s why even when Ed is teaching, he’s mostly just having a good time while he can.

I definitely agree yes, in terms of Ed, he does see Stede as apart from their world even as he teaches! I think the story is set up to show him how much he’ll have to sacrifice, himself, but yeah, he’s not Stede’s #1 pirate guy, for a lot of it he’s there for a good time not necessarily for a long time (hence he almost leaves at the start of 7).

There are a lot of lenses you can put on in meta so I’m on a discord where I’m like, “Oluwande and Stede’s friendship is so important to me” and I have friends whose perspective I’m not arguing who are like “lol Oluwande only barely puts up with Stede” so I am disclaiming that in various cases multiple readings can be equally valid when surveying 5 hours of television BUT

From the start, Olu is the guy who acts like Stede could maaaybe make a good captain (someday). From appreciating his stories, to him and Jim teaching him stun moves and being super patient about the fact that Stede doesn’t see he and Jim didn’t choose this life, to telling him how not to die when the British are on deck and the crew will come to him next, to with Jim explaining to him when you kill someone’s you die too, and listening to Stede all night after the breakup while resting on his couch — their interactions culminate with Olu being the one who races through the ship to get the plant in time, to save Stede’s life.

I read it whereas Lucius is Ed’s gay Jiminy Cricket, Olu is the guy in Stede’s corner giving him life advice like a beleaguered boxing coach.

I have friends who read his “Fuck me” at the end as “Not this guy again” whereas I read it as him being stunned Stede keeps coming back like a weighted clown punching bag bobbling back up and he’s shocked he’s the one rescuing them but not vexed.

(One thing that will be a hard sell for me is if Olu doesn’t remain captain because I feel like they made such a clear and concise case there for why he earned it. I’d love to see Stede really putting himself in a learner’s position but maybe determined to be his first mate in a hapless, sometimes inconvenient, but increasingly competent way.)

--shout out to Buttons ofc but I'm not sure precisely where Stede is situated in the reality he's occupying.

.

About Episode 9, I (again with the possibility for multiple interpretations) read it as him being immensely distracted Mary had reported him dead from the moment he learns that forward and shaken to soon see Edward folding socks in domesticity. We’re shown his stunned and confused expressions.

After the beach scene in the night it’s revealed to us that he’s nursing a double whammy of believing he both “defiled” his family and “managed to bring history's greatest pirate to ruin,” his inner thoughts articulated by a drunken Chauncey to Stede's heartbroken but vocal and full agreement.

So, at least in my personal reading, I understand it that Stede had begun to detach himself from Edward via his own neuroses and gnawing guilt from the moment his name was called in line as his life of fantasy adventure vanished into hard reality, wherein looking over the bed only deepens a distress that had already manifested.

I have watched Episode 8 possibly more than any other episode and it's so vital what Jack's saying and what he thinks he's doing, which is completely centered around pointing out Stede's from outside their world and pointing out Ed he's wallowing in unsustainable excess.

Jack: Just for the two of you, huh? Hornigold'd shit himself.

Jack: That's a real pirate! Not like one of these store-bought types.

We're soon provided the information Jack genuinely believes he's been acting with Ed's full support and consent since back at the dramatics on deck.

Jack fully believes he shook Ed out of whatever weird, seemingly uncharacteristic funk Ed has gotten into.

Jack: Best thing that could've happened to you, if you ask me. Like when I heard that you'd shacked up with him, I said... Ed: Where'd you hear that? You didn't just happen upon us, did you, Jack? Jack: Took you long enough. The old Blackbeard woulda seen me comin' a mile away.

Jack: I figured you were on to me when I lured you to Blind Man's Cove, seeing as its distinguishing feature is that... Ed: It's impossible to make an escape.

Ed, otoh, had a good reason to want to show Jack, who he cared about, they could both be a part of Stede’s love in — he wanted to believe that there was room for Jack in muppet land, and a different future for both of them than they’d ever imagined.

That was so far from Jack’s reality he never conceived it was happening and believed they were co-conspirators in a completely different series of events from the one Ed was living.

Chauncey makes a similar point to Jack's in the next episode:

Chauncey: I'm afraid the offer doesn't extend to you, Bonnet. After all, the King was only referring to real pirates. He's from my world, not yours.

That Stede isn't part of the fabric of that world is pivotal to the thrust of the thing, because it's not just about Ed and Stede. The crew, who Oluwande assured in the first episode would come to kill Stede next if he didn't say he killed Nigel on purpose, and who'd all just reassured Jack would probably still mutiny on Stede in the future, decide at this moment that Stede, admittedly a work in progress, is worth standing up for.

And shortly after, Ed chooses to give up everything he's worked so hard his whole life for, a career and huge prestige and "more riches than you can shake a fucking stick at," to go into an unknown, barefaced future with Stede.

Despite Jack not believing Ed would throw away what he built from nothing, what they were stabbed and ground down to nothing and treated like dogs for a chance to aspire to, despite that Episode 8 exists to let Ed see the risk he's taking.

Throughout, Izzy builds up reminders of the bonds he forged with crewmen who believe in the him he chose to show them that he has to choose to separate from:

Ed: No, Izzy, we're not doing this. Izzy: No, you're not doin' this, so I must.

Izzy: Remember though, you said when you made me first mate, "Above all else is loyalty to your Captain." You're my captain, and I was never gonna stand by and let you destroy yourself for that... twat.

Izzy fully believes throughout he is doing what Ed (who at the start of this had repeatedly, disturbingly expressed suicidal ideation in Episode 4 leaving us with two long shots of Izzy standing stunned and shaken after he walks out) pledged him to do. To hold the outfit together and keep Ed's reputation secure.

There's nothing nefarious about the sad henchman sitting in prolonged denial.

Izzy: The plan is very much alive. He promised me.

But Fang and Ivan have now seen through the thing, too, and so they remind Ed of the sacrifices they've made to be a part of this outfit the three together. And still Izzy is careful not to speak in front of them when he offers to help secure their normal,

Izzy: I'll happily end it.

We can assume here, and when Ed couldn't do it and Izzy steps in, that what Izzy knows after all these years is Ed doesn't kill people face to face. How many other people has he dispatched to shore up the occasional slack for the continued honor of sailing with the most brilliant sailor he's ever met?

It is my strong opinion that diminishing these character’s belief in the Ed they’ve known for years and the loyalty they display diminishes the enormity of the choices we see Ed make and risks he taking putting his life and heart in Stede’s hands.

These are men he chose to forge bonds with through his own actions, and the resistance to change they put up comes out of having traveled well worn paths with the Ed who made himself king of the ocean who is suddenly exhibiting erratic and, to them, totally unprecedented behavior.

Ed returns to an Izzy whose faith is at last broken, and swiftly and expertly resecures his place of power. Even devastated himself that his start at a different life a part of him privately yearned for left him so completely bereft.

[certifiedtrashmouth]

spotify wrapped 16 and 24 :)

TRACK 16 & 24 - what if i love you by gatlin & bad omens by 5 seconds of summer (eddie munson x reader)

a/n: ooooo a double whammy!! i’m actually impressed with how well the two of these fit together. definitely giving two different perspectives on the same relationship. alsooooooo.... this is one that if anyone wants a part 2..... i'd definitely be down to do since i thought about including some good old-fashioned makeup sex :-) (it just got a lil too long to include it there in the end)

“and am i being too nice, dropping it all just to see you tonight?” 

“we go ‘round again, we jump back in bed. that’s what you do when you love somebody.” 

Hawkins was a small town. The day Eddie Munson finally went on his first date since your breakup, you were bound to hear about it. It was simply inevitable. But you had never expected having to see it happen, rather than just hear about it. 

You were out for coffee with your best friend, listening to her rambles as she caught you up on the town’s latest gossip, when her gaze lifted to the door where the bell had just signaled new customers and her entire demeanor changed. 

“And then, I told her-” she pauses mid-sentence, eyes widening before they land on you, going impossibly soft, “Oh dear.” 

“You told her, ‘oh dear’? That’s not a very appropriate response,” you laugh softly, heart not in it. Your eyes were glued to your cup of coffee before you that had long since gone cold. 

Her silence is what gets your attention, forcing you to finally look up and see the wounded look she’s sending you. 

Your stomach drops, “What?” 

You turn, impossibly fast, in your chair to catch sight of what had elicited the reaction. She tries to reach out and grab your arm to stop you but she’s too late - you catch sight of him, of her, before her nimble hand even stood a chance. 

“Oh.” 

It’s the only response you can muster when you see them. He looks happy, and you wish that it didn’t stir such bitter emotions in your chest. But you’re still hurt, still reeling, from when he broke it off. Him. Not you. 

You suppose, considering that, it makes sense that he’s the first to move on. 

You just never expected to watch it happen in real time. To watch him stand there, some blonde hanging onto his arm and every last word. To watch his smile spread as he whispered to the girl, the tell-tale signs of his nervous flirting present. You should know - you were once on the receiving end of it all. 

It doesn’t take him long to return your stare. His eyes are glancing around the room, but they’re drawn to you almost immediately. You watch as all the color and charisma drains from his face. 

“Y/N?” your friend attempts to regain your attention, “Y/N.” 

Her hand on your forearm is what makes you break eye contact first. You recognized the girl; she was a frequent at the Hideout. You’d seen her at numerous shows. It made sense, really, for him to end up with someone like her. You told yourself you couldn’t be mad. You told yourself you couldn’t be jealous. 

But it all burns the same, even as you try to focus on your friend’s words, who’s only goal now was to distract you. It still strikes you like lightning down your spine every time you hear the girl’s giggle at another one of his bad jokes. All you can do is wonder if he’s using all the same lines on her as he had once used on you. 

You don’t look back again. You never catch the mirrored heartbreak in his own eyes. 

Later that evening, you’re back home. You’ve gone through a meticulous night routine you only saved for special occasions: a ridiculously long, hot shower, an over-abundant face routine, an indulgent glass of wine or two. You do everything in your power to distract yourself and erase the memory of Eddie with the blonde girl. You don’t even know her name, but you fear you’re coming around to hating her. 

Jealousy. What a nasty, awful emotion that leads to such nasty, awful opinions of others. 

You almost don’t hear the sound of your doorbell as you light a few candles in your room. New ones, ones you’d bought after the breakup. They weren’t the usual kind of scent you’d enjoy, nothing sweet about them, because those were the kinds that Eddie also loved. 

When you don’t answer to the doorbell, the random visiter resorts to rapid knocking, and that does get your attention. The succession of pounding becomes incessant as you rush to the front door.

“Coming! I’m coming, jesus christ,” you mumble under your breath as you finally reach the door, not even bothering to check who it was through the peephole. 

The last person you expect to see in your doorway is Eddie. 

You can’t speak at first, staring at him in shock. Your tongue and hands become foreign things that make no move to do so much as greet him. 

“Hi,” he nervously breathes out, doe eyes as wide as yours, almost as if he didn’t expect you to be the person on the other side of the door despite the fact that this was your apartment. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets as he nervously rocks on the balls of his feet, “Can I, uh- Can I come in?” 

You’re still speechless as you step to the side, motioning for him to enter the threshold. 

How many times have you played out this scenario in your head for the last month? How many nights had you helplessly wished that he would show up on your doorstep, a fist full of red roses and mouth full of apologies? 

It’s odd watching him look so out of place in your living room, given that just a month ago, he had fit in perfectly. He’s stiff as he sits on the edge of your couch rather than flopping down as he used to. He fiddles with his hands instead of reaching out for you as he once would. The stark contrast is heavy and deafening. 

“Would you like anything to drink?” you nervously spit out once you close the door behind you two, unsure of what else to say and letting you polite mannerisms take the reigns, “Water, coke, beer? I think I still have some beer in the fridge from-” 

You cut yourself off, a lump in your throat preventing you from finishing that sentence. 

From when we were dating. 

“I’m good, thank you,” he shakes his head, and those messy curls of his are falling in waves around his shoulders. They look frizzier than they had the last time you ran your fingers through them, “I actually came to talk.” 

Oh, God. 

Having an ex show up unannounced to ‘talk’ could never end well, especially not when you were still reeling in the aftermath of the relationship. You thought a month would be all the time you need to heal, but as you stand in front of Eddie, you feel every wound rip itself back open. You feel as though you’re bleeding out, all over the hardwood floors of your living room, and you’re the only one who can see the blood. Eddie is clueless - it’s not his problem anymore. You’re not his problem anymore. 

“Right, of course,” you whisper before clearing your throat, “Talk. Yeah, we can talk.” 

He looks up at you before his eyes subtly flit to the empty seat on the couch beside him, a silent motion for you to sit. You listen, and he waits until you’re settled to continue, “Right, so… obviously, you saw me today.” 

Your stomach twists painfully. You have to pinch the skin on the back of your hand painfully hard to keep from screaming out loud, because of course, he wants to talk about the fact that he’s moved on. 

“Yep,” you awkwardly nod, chewing on your inner cheek. 

“Please look at me,” he finally sighs, and it’s only then when you do exactly that, that you see this isn’t a bragging moment. He isn’t here to inform you that he’s won, that he’s moved on and doing lightyears better than you ever could, “It isn’t what you think it was.”

“What was it then?” you croak, letting your emotions finally get the best of you, “Because it looked a lot like a first date to me. Which, don’t get me wrong, is fine. She looked nice, I guess. And it’s fine if you’re moving on but-”

“All I could think about was you,” he blurts out, efficiently cutting you off, “Fuck. All I could do was think of you, and compare her to you. She was telling me all about her childhood dog, and all I could think about was how you’re a cat person. She ordered her coffee and all I could think about was how her order would be too sweet for you. She told me a joke, and all I could think of was how your jokes were funnier. Every single thing she did, every single thing she said - it all led me back to you.” 

As he finishes his speech, he’s breathless. You both stare at each other for only a moment, letting his words settle into the silence engulfing the two of you. 

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t fair,” he whispers, and you both find yourselves scooting closer to each other, “I know I called it off. But you know I had my reasons.” 

He did. You both knew exactly why it all ended how it did.

You couldn’t tell him you love him. Six months went down the drain all because you couldn’t say three little words. He’d been patient, waiting two months after he first said the words, eager to hear them fall from your lips. But for the life of you, you could never bring them to roll off your tongue - every time you tried to say them, they got stuck in the back of your throat, dying without so much as a whisper. It wasn’t that you didn’t love him - God, you loved him so much it nearly broke you. And when he ended things, you only realized it more with each morning dawn that would break without him by your side. You had tried to show it in your own way. You had tried to tell him through soft traces over his lips every time you woke up before him, with small gestures like getting him something from the store just because. You’d tried to pour the silent confession into every kiss and every compliment you impulsively gave him. 

But it wasn’t enough; he had needed to hear those words from you, and you hadn’t been able to give him that. 

“I know,” you say, voice faint and broken as your eyes flutter shut, “I know, and I-I’m sorry.”

The fight that had ended it all replayed in your head, clear as day. 

“Why can’t you say it?” he had cried, “Do you not love me?” 

“It’s not that,” you had begged, “I do. I promise, I do.”

“Then say it. Please.” 

When you hadn’t complied with his simple request, it was over. He left that night, you assumed to never return. It’s funny how once he was gone, it all became painfully clear - you loved him. You love him. All the feelings remain as he sits in front of you, looking as broken as you felt in the moment. 

You think if he asked you again, you’d be able to say it this time. You’d finally find the words after all the sleepless nights and all the terrible regrets. But you had always assumed it was too little, too late. 

“Did you love me?” his voice cracks in the slightest as he asks the question, “You don’t have to say it, but I need to know. Did you really mean it when you said that you did?” 

The acceptance of defeat is so clear in his face, your heart is breaking all over again. 

He doesn’t expect to hear those three words, but he wants closure. Maybe he’s convinced that if you say you didn’t, that that’s why the words never came fell from your lips, that he can finally move on. 

But he’s asked you again, and this time, you refuse to let the words fall victim the tomb of your mind. 

“Yes,” you start, and you watch him tense, looking down at the floor as he grips his hands together impossibly tight. All you focus on is his white knuckles as you whisper out the three words you both needed to hear, “I love you.” 

He chokes up, head shooting up as his eyes find yours, “What?”

“I love you. I loved you. I will continue to love you,” your voice is stronger as you repeat the words over and over, your chest suddenly light, “Eddie, I’m so sorry I never said it when you asked. I swear, it’s not that I didn’t. I just- I was fucking petrified, you know? Every time I wanted to say it, I froze, but I do. I love you. I love you so much that I don’t know what to do with mys-” 

He cuts you off, surging forward and kissing you hard. The space between you is erased as he grabs your hips, pulling you to him quickly. His hands cradle your face with such care, you could cry if you focus on it too much. 

“Say it again,” he pleads, pulling away with a gasp and staring into your eyes, “Please,” another chaste kiss is pressed against your wet lips, “Say it again.”

“I love you,” you say it with ease this time. A smile breaks out across your lips as you straddle him, and a grin to match lights up his own face, “I love you, Edward Munson. So goddamn much.” 

You mean it. You always meant it, but you understand now - hearing it outloud is so much better than the silent confessions. 

He takes a careful hand, threading it through your hair as he pushes it back from the side of your face. 

“In case you haven’t noticed, I love you too, you fucking idiot.”

[meibemeibelline]

highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

 “I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #267

“you can take my heart, you can take my breath - when you pry it from my cold, dead chest.”

When did you last talk to the last person you kissed? Last night. Do you think people have any misconceptions about you? Oh, I'm positively certain. What’s something you wish you could understand better? There are a great many things, but the first that came to mind are certain political/moral beliefs that I REALLY do want to understand, but I just don't. When was the last time you cried really, really hard? About a week back when I woke up shrieking and sobbing from a nightmare about Dad. Have you ever injected a drug? No. How many people have you liked in the past 5 months? I've been COnfuFSSeD!!!!!! Are you currently in a relationship? Nope. Probably for the better. Have you ever touched a dead body? Animals, yes. I may have at an open-casket wake, but idr. I was young. Ever played Grand Theft Auto? Nope, but oh man, good memories of those stupid games with my neighbor back when I was younger... He loved that game just to fuck around, and I liked watching. Then Jacob and Jason played it together at the apartment a lot, and those are warm memories, too. The last male you spoke to … is he attractive? That would be my 3-year-old nephew, so it'd be fucking weird to call him that. He's one handsome little boy, though. We all know he's gonna be a lady killer one day. If your ex called right now, would you answer? Yeah. Is there a dictionary on your bookshelf? I don't even have a bookshelf. Do you have any pet names for the person you love/like? Not anymore. Who was the last person you had a serious conversation with? What is your honest opinion of that person? Mom. I love her to death. Who was the first person you dated? What is your honest opinion of that person? Aaron was my puppy-dog love, and I have not the slightest clue what he's up to now, but I have faith he's kept that good head of his. Ever fallen in the shower? I've passed out while getting *out* of it. I've slipped a number of times too, but not truly fallen. Do you think that things will get better? For me, I genuinely don't know. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes, by my cousins' friend's pool for a b-day party. It was cool. Their house was fuckin' wild. Movie theater inside and all. Is your dad bald? Just about. His head is just mostly shaved. Have you ever slept at a member of the opposite sex’s house? I mean yeah, all the time when we were together. Have you ever hooked up with someone to hurt someone else? Wow, no. I don't do "hook-ups" anyway. Do any of your relatives actually pinch your cheeks when they see you? No. Have you ever made a member of the opposite sex cry? Ugh, yeah. Do you know the last person you kissed's parents? Yes, I adore them. Do they like you? I think so. Name a couple things you can cook. ... Literally just scrambled eggs, if you mean something pretty much from scratch. Well, I could probably still do pasta if I read the box. Who was there to help you last time you were puking? My mom. I am absolutely terrified of vomiting, so she's kind enough to somehow manage to stand in there with me and talk to me. Are there any boxes of tissues in your room? What’s the design on it? No. Are you in high school? When are you done? No. I graduated in 2014. Are you embarrassed to say if you’re a virgin or not? More like confused and awkward, because I genuinely DON'T know for sure. Have you ever met someone you thought you’d be with forever? It was  "certainty" to me. That's partially why the breakup was so traumatizing. I MEAN IT when I say my brain couldn't even fathom the idea. It was "impossible." It simply couldn't happen. Then it did. ^Where are you two now? We haven't spoken in three years. Has your best friend ever been in love? Yes. What was the last magazine you bought? I've never been a magazine person. Will the last person you kissed get you anything for your next birthday? *shrugs* Do you think Family Guy is funny or just stupid? It can be both. Have you ever stayed with someone who treated you like shit just because you liked them so much? NO SIR-EE. You'd never see me stay with someone who treated me badly. Would you date someone all your friends and family hate? If I REALLY liked them, but if everyone hated that person, I would seriously consider why that is. Are you already looking forward to your wedding? Ha ha, not really, in most ways. Like, I hate getting all fancy and such. Have you ever spit on someone? No. Would you rather cuddle or make out? I MEAN, that depends on the mood??? Has your best friend ever been cheated on? No. Do you text with one hand or with both? Both. Are your parents left or right-handed? Right, to my knowledge? What was the last photo you took of? Something on FB I wanted to show to Sara. What topic always interests you and you will never tire of? C R Y P T I D Z Are you more or less tolerant than the average person? If you mean of varying beliefs, stuff like that, definitely more. If someone were to rate your life, what film certificate would it receive? PG-13 or R, idk. Actually, probably R for all they profanity lmaooo. Do you mind eating cold fries or are they disgusting? Ewww. What song makes you cry? What about it makes you cry? I physically cannot listen to "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin because of Jason joking at prom that the music sucked and we could dance to something like that, then once he took me home, I played it from my iPod over his car speakers and we danced in the headlights of his truck and it all felt like a fairy-tale. I'm emotional just typing it and it makes my stomach hurt, so moving on. If you could remake a movie, which movie would it be? Silent Hill: Revelation. As a fanatic over the series, I enjoyed it decently, but, objectively, it sucked and was ALL over the place. How about if you could rewrite a book's ending, which one? Why? I don't think I'd change any. Maybe a clearer answer to The Handmaid's Tale, but it's still g. What colour hair does your sibling(s) have? Brown, except Misty and Katie. Theirs is black. What gemstone would you like on your wedding ring? A dragon's breath opal or rose gold would be gorgeous. What are you looking forward to in the near future? We're throwing my little sister a surprise graduation party at our older sis's house. Thanks to the quarantine, her senior graduation isn't *actually* happening, so. How is life going for you, anyway? Be honest. IT KINDA S U CKS!!!!!! What time did you get changed this morning? I haven't changed out of my pj's. I almost never do (besides obviously after a shower) because I have nowhere to go, like ever. Have you met somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yeah. Have you ever dressed up as a Disney character? Which one? Maybe as a kid? Have you ever played chess? If so, are you good at it? I’ve never played it. If I wanted to buy you a chocolate bar, what kind should I NOT get? Ew, Snickers. Of all your close friends, who have you known the longest? Sara. What was the last song you heard, that made you feel emotional? Hm. Maybe "Disguise" by Motionless In White. I wonder all the time if that's how Jason felt. Plus it's his favorite band, so that's a double whammy. When was the last time you took a selfie? Maybe about a month ago. As a child, did you ever have any scented gel pens or markers? Oh, I remember those! Yes. Name an alcoholic beverage that you dislike. Hell, most that I've tried. I hate strong stuff. Can you recall the last time you were on a dancefloor? When I was shooting someone's wedding last year. Do you own any color-changing mood jewellery? No, I have zero faith in those. What was the last thing you heated up in your microwave? Ummm pizza rolls, I think. What was the last flavor of ice cream you had? Moose tracks. Do you have an online game that you play often? I play World of Warcraft daily, and I enjoy the Dragons of Atlantis app a few times a day. I was into it when it was still a game on an actual website, and I more recently downloaded it on my phone. What’s your favorite cookie? Soft chocolate chip... yum. How long would you have to date someone for before moving in together? I think this depends very much on the relationship, BUT LIKE, definitely not TOO quickly because you need to test the endurance of the relationship. I'd at the very least give it a year and seriously consider how healthy the relationship is. Moving in with each other shouldn't be an impulsive "this is working great omg I love him/her let's do this!!!!". What's your favorite kind of sushi? N/A How much was the last bill that you paid? I've never paid a bill... wow, that's sad. What was the cause of the worst low point you've had in your life? A very abrupt, traumatic breakup. What are some of your favorite types of cheeses? Really just American. When did you last feel like your privacy was invaded? I'm not sure. Do your parents volunteer anywhere? No. Do you own more than 50 books? I have my Warriors books stocked somewhere. Probably in the attic. Do you have a bachelor's degree? Bitch I wish. How old were you when you became financially independent from your parents? I'm 24 and still aren't independent. Does your kitchen have an island? No. Have you ever bought or sold something on Facebook Marketplace? No. Do you know anyone famous enough to have their own Wikipedia page? No. What was the last appointment you had? With my psychiatrist over the phone because yeah quarantine. Why did you last feel like crying? I woke up from yet another nightmare. I'm so, so tired of them. They make me dread sleep. Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? If it truly is private, yes, and secrets, absolutely. What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? "I... don’t think I’d like to be friends with people who have a habit of bringing up 'negative' things about me." <<<< This. Do you often "jump" to conclusions? ONLY ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What about the world do you wish you never found out? Christ, there's a lot. For some reason, the first thing that came to mind is the dogmeat trade in Korea. A girl in my first semester did a presentation on it, and just... wow. I never had the slightest clue it was a thing. Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? No. Does someone's background affect whether you'll be friends with them or not? Well, yeah. I'm not gonna be friends with a rapist or something. How about their religious background? Depends on if they push that shit on me or not, as well as things they believe. If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? NNNNNNNNNOPE. Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? There are so many tea/coffee questions in surveys... and no. I don't like either. Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? No. Do you wish that magic was real? Well, it depends on what the magic is. Do you prefer fire or ice? Fire is cooler. Do you rap along with rap songs? No. When happy, do you become more talkative? WAY MORE. Bowling or sailing? Why? Never sailed before, but bowling is fun. Especially with the lights off but all the neon and signs lit up. Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? THE FRONT!!!!!!!!! Sitting shotgun and being able to control the music is everyTHIIIIIIIIIIIING. How about in a train? On the bus? I don't really have a preference here. Do you care about politics? I should... Are you offended easily by non-politically correct language? No, honestly. Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? Definitel too far. Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one(s)? No. Do you know anyone who is scared of you? No. I am so unintimidating. Do you like watermelon? Not really, no. Can you remember the month of your first kiss? April or May, p sure. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? Uh. I dunno, man. Do you have a photo album? Mom has tons. What was your biggest fear as a child? Thunderstorms. I was fucking terrified. Can you remember all your past teachers' names? The majority. Do you find people taller than you intimidating? Generally tall men do, but not always. What's your favorite thing about your country? We have a lot of freedom. What's your least favourite thing about your country? We're greedy as fuck. What websites do you have bookmarked? I have a few on my personal laptop, which I don't have access to now so can't recall well. What TV show scared you as a kid? Courage the Cowardly Dog... though I watched it anyway lmao. What is one thing you regret having done or not done in your life? There's a lot. Let's not focus on it. Which parent do you identify with the most? I guess Mom. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? laskdjflawe admitting I RP is almost ENTIRELY IMPOSSIBLE to others, especially in-person. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Politics, 'cuz that's shit that seriously matters and affects the world. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? Probably an old friend who's an award-winning, quite successful photographer here in the state. She's shot fashion and model stuff professionally. She's absolutely gorgeous, does the coolest stuff... What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Good Lord, I know so many. "UR A WOMAN NOW" by Otep is one, then there's "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade, "Cancer" by My Chemical Romance... wow, I'm so surprised they're not just rushing to me. How about the sweetest song? Biiiiiih "Here For You" by Ozzy Osbourne laskdjfk;awe Do you know how to play dominoes? No. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Exotic/endangered animal meat. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? Uhhh I'm really not sure. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? Shane Dawson is MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? Many things.

[jeantue]

SLAIN by guitars

I love guitars! Though as a guy in a band, I usually think of the song first and the guitar second. At least that was the case up from my Pie days through Verst’s last album Starship Crash. But leading into our new album David Slain, that started to change. The songs on this new record are built around riffs and I did stuff with the sounds just to make the guitar louder, more cathartic, and more over the top than ever before. I don’t know why. It’s just the way I felt. Anyway, here are the guitars we used to record Verst's David Slain LP..

Rickenbacker 4003 Bass

Since he bought it a couple years ago, John Parsons has played only this instrument. I've never seen anything else in his hands. He just loves it. 

JP's ricky sounds incredible, and stays in tune like an absolute champ - much better than you'd expect for such a lightweight bass. Like any stock Rickenbacker bass, it hummed quite a bit when he got it, because the single coil pickups do not come with reversed polarity. I have no idea why Rickenbacker doesn't set them up in humbucking mode. Weird. Anyway, I tried to do the polarity mod myself, but realized pretty quickly that there was a possibility that I was going to damage a pickup irreparably. So I backed away from that, and John had Chris Barnett do it. Now it doesn't hum when both pickups are selected. I don't think John ever sets it any other way. The both-pickups sound seems to be his jam and I just love it. 

Speaking of Jam, Bruce Foxton played his Rickenbacker through Marshalls and it sounded like God’s piano.

I just see that bass and famous Ricky players come to mind - Lemmy, Paul Gray, Paul McCartney, Bruce Foxton, Lou Barlow.. the list goes on. I think that in order to play a Ricky you really need to be a BASS GUITAR player, not a low end or clean player. I suppose you could use it as a slap pop machine, but with no gain loading from the amp, it's a pretty thin sound. But run it through a cranked up tube amp, such as John Parsons' 200-watt Hovercraft, and you are on your way to achieving a very rich, thick, punchy, piano-like tone. Now that we have only one guitar in the band, there is a huge amount of space for John's bass to own. His Rickenbacker really does that space justice. You can hear nothing but this bass in the first couple minutes of Secret Sea.

That’s Paul Gray on the right here with The Damned. Gray’s extremely sick Rickenbacker tones and guitarish playing can be heard on The Black Album, Live at Shepperton, and Strawberries.

1993 Gibson Les Paul Custom

This guitar is the living document of just how far my Les Paul obsession has gone. Last time I wrote a blog entry, I said that I was obsessing over a cherry sunburst Custom. Then voila. LOOK at the thing. 

It's gorgeous. And it plays like a big heavy brick of butter. Smooth as hell. Resonant, but not overly midrangey. It is so heavy that the notes it produces are like icebreakers smashing and cutting through a mix like so much glass. I'm pretty much playing this guitar 95% of the time and it pretty much comprises about that much of the guitar on the album, so I guess that makes me a real Les Paul guy. For all the fighting and ergonomic crime involved, it is so addictive and sounds so powerful that I just can't put it down. It’s the best instrument I’ve ever had.

While I was thinking about this album, and wanting the guitars to fucking completely take over, I kept going back to Iggy Pop's Raw Power - the sound of James Williamson's LP custom through a dimed Vox AC30. It’s so huge and in-your-face. I realized pretty quickly that the stock 90s pickups that came on my Custom were too heavily wound, too dark. The key to Williamson's sound is the brightness, the presence. So I got some fantastic pickups for this guitar - some Throbak PAF-style things that give it a holographic, smoky brightness. Man, that hit the spot. Because in a big way, I was tired of polite and pretty sounds. I wanted this record to be an aggressive guitar album. I wanted weaponized guitar. The LP Custom seemed to force all of that to happen anyway. My challenge was just to capture those sounds and mix them in a way that didn't puss out. 

James Williamson wielding a generator of raw power back in the day.

I also changed the tuners on this guitar, from the big fat stock Grovers to Schaller knock-offs that I found on eBay. They're not quite as good as real Schallers, but they're much better than the Grovers. I don't know why people like the Grovers. They're heavy and they have all this unnecessary, undignified lash in the way the gears mate up and move. Now the guitar is incredibly stable. I can often play 4 or 5 songs with string bends and everything and it's still in tune. I love the dependability and stability of it. And that's a change for me, because in the past, one thing I've loved about Jazzmasters was their very unpredictability and the cool pitchy wooziness you can create with them. Now when I want to do that with the Les Paul, it all has to be in my left hand - not in a whammy bar or from waving the neck around. It's a different way of playing and I think it makes me a better, more deliberate player.

Homemade Stigmata Jazzblaster

For the first time since I started playing a Jazzmaster (1992?), my Jazzmaster took a back seat to another guitar - the Les Paul. But I did have to pull out the Stigmata. This is the best Jazzmaster I've ever owned, just incredible. And I made it! (See my old blog post about it). It is a weapons-grade Jazzmaster, with all top shelf bits, and it's black with that anodized aluminum pickguard. It's all business and looks like some kind of weapon. It just so happens that it plays beautifully and has incredible halo of harmonics ringing off the string lengths after the bridge. Somehow all those dimensions lined up perfectly to make that happen. And the light swamp ash isn't too light on this one. I think it's too light on the red Jazzmaster I made, but that's a topic for another post. Sadly, I sold that red guitar. 

Even though I am still more comfortable playing a Jazzmaster than a Les Paul, I only played the Jazzblaster guitar on a handful of songs on this record.. Sick Pretty Pilots, Laid Off For The Summer, and (Nice). There are songs, like those, where the Jazzmaster sounds better, either because you can hear the notes of the chords more clearly, or because a whammy bar is needed to do the parts justice. When we rehearse, sometimes I stick with the Les Paul all the way through, even on those songs. But I don't think I'll ever get away from the Jazzmaster for shows and recording. It's in my bones.

Homemade Telemaster

"Burnt candy grind" is how my brother Matt so vividly describes the incredible and unique sound a Tele can produce with its bridge pickup and the right kind of bright clean amp setting. This is the sound you get just before breakup, when the tubes are loading up some compression, but not breaking up yet, bass is set on 0, treble is on 10. The first three Echo and the Bunnymen albums are rife with that sound (example: Do It Clean). I kept hearing some Will Sergeant style chords over the final ending section of Sick Pretty Pilots. For as long as I've been into EBM you'd think it would have been easy for me to get the sound. But I'd tried several times to get it right, using different guitars or having Mike play it on his Telemaster, and none of that quite worked. 

Will Sergeant doing it right.

I finally got it right myself with my own Telemaster and a 70s silverface Fender Twin Reverb. Right when I hit record and it was sounding perfect, Christine and Eli came home and I was already late making dinner for them. So I just finished my one take, saved the file and that was it. But it was the perfect sound and take. Luckily, finally.

I guess the neck pickup isn’t quite aligned, but it’s still a cool guitar.

2014 Fender Johnny Marr Jaguar

This was not my guitar. I don't like Jaguars very much because of the short scale and the brittle-sounding pickups. But sometimes, that's just what's needed, and Fender did a really sweet job on this model. This guitar belonged to Brian Shultz, but I believe he has sold it by now. Brian is a super cool guy with fabulous taste in guitars. We share rehearsal space with him. I used his Jaguar for the left-channel rhythm guitar in Bath Salts & Me, where I needed a single coil sound that would provide just the barest but still great-sounding sketch of the chords and rhythm. 

Squier Bass VI

This is also Brian Shultz' guitar. I used this to fatten up the power chord refrains in Bath Salts & Me, because it can actually dip down for the low D-flats that are in that part. It's in there sorta subliminally in the left channel, slamming through a Marshall Super Lead with the volumes on about 6.

Not quite sure what one would accomplish with the whammy bar on this thing but it must be fun to try.

"Plastic Hippie Values" - 1977 Yamaha FG-345 Acoustic (wounded)

Poor Plastic Hippie Values! A couple years ago I took it on a Summer camping trip to the Southwest where it was basically roasted in the back of my pickup truck for a week. Stupidly, I tried to adjust the truss rod while the neck was in the throes of warping and swelling. The truss rod snapped. So now the neck is permanently bowed inward and the guitar has painfully high action. This is my only acoustic guitar, unfortunately, so it's all I had to use to double the arpeggio parts in the choruses of Plastic Cow. 

Sometimes I create parts I refer to as "music box" sections, where several layered guitars play the same or interlocking arpeggiative parts together to form a machine-like arrangement. It reminds me of a music box or player piano because of how prescriptive and interlocked the parts are. I don't know if that's how it comes across to other people when they hear the recording. But playing that particular part up around the 12th fret with some strings ringing open on this super high action guitar was really difficult. It's already the kind of part that I have to learn by muscle memory and not think about while I play it, or I'll screw it up. The high action made that all the more difficult to do. 

Here’s a very little Eli back in San Leandro with Plastic Hippie Values and a couple Jazzmasters I don’t have anymore.

I do have an emotional attachment to this guitar, because it is the only acoustic I've owned in my adult life and I've had it since around 1991. But replacing a truss rod is very expensive, certainly costing more money than the guitar is worth. And what I really want for an acoustic guitar is a vintage arch top, like a Gretsch or Gibson. I'm not really an acoustic person anyway, so I don't know what I'm going to do.

[psychicmedium14]

How to avoid a cosmic fail. Mercury is about to go retrograde on August 12. Again. And until September 5, we’ll all have to weather this signal-scrambling cosmic event. The AstroTwins help your sign avoid a cosmic fail, so, uh, don’t do this. Aries (March 31-April 20) You love adding your two, even three, cents to any lively discussion Aries—and don’t let anyone ask you to stifle your strong opinions! But with Mercury retrograde in yoursign this time, you could come across as heavy-handed and domineering. Your ego is not your amigo, Ram. Aim for understanding instead of battling to be right. Otherwise, you could start a war on Twitter. Taurus (April 21-May 20) Energy vampires don’t always appear in obvious form, Taurus, nor do they respond to the old garlic and cross routine. So beware, Bull, or you could get drained dry by the perpetually freaked out friend. As she keeps digging herself deeper into the hole, you exhaust yourself picking up the pieces. Set boundaries to preserve your sanity. And repeat after us: I will not stage an intervention before May 3. Gemini (May 21-June 20) It’s not exactly a struggle for oh-so-charming you to gain VIP entry to the cool kids’ club. But at what price? The lure of status could sweep away your good senses, Gemini. (And yes, we know…open bar…) Don’t ditch the people who have earned their loyalty points to gain insider status with a new squad. Real friends are hard to come by. Cancer (June 21-July 20) Like signmate Solange, you deserve your seat at the table—good old boys’ club, whatever! But with this Mercury retrograde falling in your tenth house of men, things could go awry with the guys. Don’t share your trade secrets with a “bropropriator,” or spend a paycheck on golf clubs just to fit in. But don’t make assumptions either. That dude in the baseball cap might actually be a feminist too. Leo (July 21-August 20) Life is performance art and occasionally live theater—at least in the world of a flamboyant Leo. And with that come the costume changes. But with Mercury retrograde in your ninth house of diversity, take extra care not to step in the cultural appropriation trap. (Leo Kylie Jenner has certainly caught flak for her cornrows.) And sorry no, you shouldn’t buy a full headdress for festival season. It’s not an “homage.” Virgo (August 21-September 20) With Mercury as your ruling planet, you have a PhD in retrogrades. You know better than to send a drunken Snapchat or email your boss or bae without a copy editor’s review. But with Mercury backing up through shade-throwing eighth house, you could shoot some daggers with your eyes. Don’t burn bridges with a “subtle glance,” fix your face, Virgo! Until May 3, keeping your expression cordial is a wise political move. Libra (September 21-October 20) Time heals all wounds, or so they say. And as a peace-loving Libra, you’re generally eager to extend a post-breakup olive branch to an ex. But don’t! With this Mercury retrograde going down in your relationship house, reconciliation efforts could go all wrong. Take off the rose-colored glasses. That unappreciative stoner who never bought you a damn meal was not “the one that got away.” Do not be a romantic revisionist, Libra, or you could mess up a good thing you’ve got going on in the present. Scorpio (October 21-November 20) Good help is hard to find—especially when you have the exacting standards of a Scorpio. And during this particular Mercury retrograde you will have zero patience for bad service or sub-par work. But hang on before you read the waiter at your favorite restaurant or cut a colleague down to size. You might be justified, but you’ll wind up looking like an asshole. Rewind and be kind. Everyone deserves one gentle warning, Scorpio. Sagittarius (November 21-December 20) Spring is in the air and you’re feeling fine—justifiably so! And people keep showering you with compliments, a confidence boost that might lead you to livestreaming your life like a VH-1 reality show. But with Mercury retro in your fame zone, your messaging could be off. Stop the cameras and work on your branding. Schedule a photo shoot for after May 3 when Mercury corrects course and spares you a citation from the fashion police. Capricorn (December 21-January 20) Your sister’s going through a breakup. You dad needs dental surgery. A cousin is flying in from out of state and needs a place to stay. Capricorn to the rescue? Uh-oh. With retrograde Mercury muddying the waters in your home and family zone, family could quickly turn into your f-word. Take off the cape and de-plane from your invisible jet, Wonder Woman. Sometimes it’s enough to simply say, “I understand” instead of rushing in to rescue all your relatives and exhausting yourself in the process. Aquarius (January 21-February 20) Stop! Don’t send that Snap! This Mercury retrograde is a double whammy for Aquarians since it’s muddling messages in your third house of communication. When it comes to all mobile communications, make sure you’ve checked the right recipients. Like, are you sexting Daniel…or Dad? Bitching about your boss…to your boss? This could get embarrassing. Rule of thumb(typing): Don’t put anything racy or snarky in writing until after May 3. Pisces (February 20-March 20) Oooh, look at what’s being wheeled out at all the boutiques—floral print dresses for days! You never met a sale rack you didn’t like, Pisces. Or a consignment shop or antique outpost. But with Mercury backspinning in your finance house, avoid any “final sale” purchases like the plague. You might get stuck with a shrunken festival romper or a wrong-sized coffee table. Make sure to measure. It doesn’t matter if it’s Midcentury if it doesn’t fit through your apartment door!

[aestheticodium]

Bad Luck

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here. I feel like I need to vent somehow. And no one would really understand so I can’t go to anyone. The past couple weeks have been awful. Two things happened that sucked. And they happened one after an other. Like a double whammy of life just shitting on me. Lets start with the latest one. 

So my dad has been battling cancer. It went away for a while then came back a few months ago. Doc said some chemo and radiation and it would go away again. But it didn’t go away. So now my dad has to go through surgery. He has to get the cancer cells removed from his throat. To do so, it requires a few different surgeries. He has to get the main one which is cutting into the throat and then removing the cells. He has to do one where they remove some muscle from his chest and put it on his throat to replace what they took out. Then he has to get a hole made so he can breathe since the procedure will cause his throat to swell which in turn closes his windpipe. Then he has to get a feeding tube attached so he can eat since he can’t swallow anything. 

This is going to be so stressful and I’m already stressed out from school and work. And what if this doesn’t work. He’ll be going through all this pain for nothing. This is just shitty. Like why does it have to be my dad. He’s too nice. He doesn’t deserve this shit. And what if I lose him? I already lost my girlfriend. I don’t want to lose my dad too.

This brings me to the other event that happened. My girlfriend left me. It was bound to happen. We weren’t working out. We constantly fought and made each other miserable. I think our personalities just clashed too much. We worked extremely well as friends. But dating just didn’t work out. I just wish the breakup didn’t escalate so badly. I also wish she didn’t break up with me through text but whatever.

When she broke up with me she was nice about it. She was saying sorry and how we just didn’t work out and how she didn’t want any issues. So I was like okay this blows but she’s at least being nice. Then she started being mean and a bit vindictive. She told me not to apply to a liquor store chain she works at because she doesn’t wanna work with me anymore. That’s understandable but it’s not really her choice. She isn’t dating me anymore. But she then stated how she talked to the managers and told them not to hire me. Then told me how she would do everything in her power to make sure I don’t get hired.

Let’s think about this for a second. This is very vindictive and very petty. She broke up with me and yet is acting like this. I need another job to make ends meet and that liquor store would’ve been the easiest route to fix my problems but she had to go and do that? Why? It’s just hateful. I wouldn’t even be at the store she works at. I would be at another one. I would make sure of that just because I don’t want any issues. Plus my friend John, who also works there, would make sure the managers wouldn’t put me at her store. Plus there’s no way they would do that. It’s a situation that would potentially cause issues. No manager would allow that. It’s just not logical.  

So after she did that I just didn’t respond. I wasn’t going to give in to that and I didn’t want any fights. I planned on getting my credit card from her cause she still had it. At this point my friends already knew. And they weren’t happy. But I told them not to do anything cause I don’t want issues. One of my friends told me he would go in and get my credit card for me. Cause if my ex is being vindictive she would most likely say something when I got my card and if she did I would probably react badly because breakup. It’s logical so I agreed. But I warned and said she might mention you getting the card instead of me. It’s just how she is. So my friend tells me if she says anything he will go off on her because she has no right to say anything cause she broke up with me so she shouldn’t act like that. 

I hoped she would be more mature and not say anything cause I didn’t want issues. But nope. She ended up texting me saying “Next time you want something get it yourself don’t send someone.” My friend was next to me when she sent it. Instantly my mind went “fuck. but maybe he didn’t see?” So I look at him and he’s looking at my phone then looks at me and just goes to where she is. So now I’m just like “fuck this is what I was trying to avoid.” And he just went off on her. About the lying, the being mean with the breakup, and just how he felt in general. It was bad. I didn’t want that to happen but what was I gonna do. 

Then later on she asks me for her stuff back. I agree but I was gonna bring someone with me just in case I lost my cool. But she didn’t like that. Maybe didn’t wanna get yelled at again. Maybe she though I told my friend to do it. Who knows. I still have her stuff. I put it in a bag just in case she ever wants it back. It’s been a week or so though so I doubt she still wants it.

I should probably clarify on the breakup and why it happened. We were just arguing a lot. I feel like we just didn’t have the patience for each other anymore. We tried to work it out before but it just didn’t work. She kept saying I never tried and that she gave me chances. But I did try. 

I’m a very blunt person and I get angry easily. I say how I feel and I don’t mince my words. She didn’t like that which is understandable. No one wants to be with someone who is stressed and angry a lot. It pushed her away. I should’ve fixed it sooner but by the time I was starting to understand why I did what I did, it was too late. 

When I was asked about the breakup and people ask why she was saying I didn’t try because she was posting that on various social media. People would question it. Like one person told me, “You didn’t try? Is she fucking serious? You took days off from work, which is money you needed, to go all the way to New York and make sure she drove down okay. You took her to work for almost a month because she didn’t have another reliable form of transportation since her card broke down. You made more time for her than you did for your friends. You did all this and she still says you didn’t try? That’s not trying, that’s fucking dedication.”

My friend is right in a way. She probably doesn’t see it but I did a lot. But from another standpoint, it probably just wasn’t enough to her. She most likely wanted more than what I could do. She most likely views me as this dickhead who just never cared. But that’s not true. I always cared. Yeah I’m blunt and angry but I always did stuff that showed I cared. It just wasn’t enough I suppose. Maybe I just wasn’t enough.

Toward the end of the relationship she started lying. She lied about being at some guys house. She lied when my friend yelled at her saying we’ve been broken up even though we just broke up the day she was being yelled at. The fact she lied about being at this guys house is just sketchy. She claims she didn’t cheat but how am I suppose to believe her when she lied about it. What’s to say she isn’t lying about not cheating. It’s not something someone would admit. But I guess it literally doesn’t matter. We’re broken up and she lied so it doesn’t matter what she did.

Regardless of everything that happened I still miss her. I shouldn’t. I definitely shouldn’t not after the lying and being sketchy. But idk. I think back on the good memories we had and it just makes me miss her. I wish things were different. I wish she didn’t lie. I wish she didn’t just have the mentality of “I do whatever I want”. I wish I got a hold of my anger better. I wish I could’ve done more. I was gonna try and stop her from leaving but I just didn’t see a point. No matter how much I just wanted to fix things, she clearly didn’t want to. She just wanted to be done with me. And it sucks. I just wish she doesn’t see me as this monster. Some massive asshole. Cause I really did try. I really did love her. Hell, I still do love her. Idk when it will stop. I hope it stops soon. It hurts a lot.

Even through everything that happened I still wish her well. I hope her life is amazing. I hope she gets what she wants. I don’t hate her. Quite the opposite. Deep down I know she’s a good person. She just has some things to sort through. So I really hope her life continues to be good. I hope her parents keep trying and treating her kindly. I just want her happy. 

And that’s what I don’t think people understand. Yeah she was acting shitty but I did too. I wasn’t great either. So I hope she learns from this. I’m learning from it. I don’t think I’m meant for people. Idk. 

I was thinking maybe suicide. Maybe just kill myself that way no one ever has to deal with me again. But there’s still things I want to experience. So i’ve been thinking of just moving away. Get away from everything and everyone. And then just not date or befriend anyone. It’ll just save everyone the trouble. 

This ended up being much longer than I anticipated. But yeah, I just hope my dads surgery goes well. And I truly hope my ex finds happiness in whatever she decides to do. She’s a good girl and I hope someone else will be kind enough to realize this despite her behavior and treat her better than I could.

[hank0d12-blog]

5/24/2017

First off, I don’t think that using a blood sucking flee is really a good way to convince anyone, let alone a pretty and intelligent woman, to have sex with you.  I mean, really, a bug and blood are both pretty big turn offs, so using them together is like a double whammy of bluh.  But, that being said, I think that this poem is trying to say that since the flea has bitten both of them, and that their blood has mixed into “one blood made of two”, then they are “more than married”.  And he continues (as I’m sure blood mixed inside a flea didn’t help his case) his argument by saying that “so much honor … / will waste, as this flea’s death took life from thee.”  Here, I think he is saying that since the flea has died (she probably killed it), then its life and honor are going to waste if she doesn’t have sex with him. He says the flee is not guilty of anything, as it was just doing what it does by biting them, and because of this, he seems to be arguing that them having sex would be a way to honor the flea’s sacrifice and duty.  Honestly, I can’t see how this argument won’t get her to go home with him.

Donne argues that his absence is not worth mourning because it will make them stronger—and it will make them stronger together.  He says “Though I must go, endue not yet / A breach, but an expansion”, implying that his wife should not see this separation as a breach of their love, but an expansion of their relationship.  They are farther apart, but he argues that if their souls are split (which he says they’re not) then they’re split like the needles of a compass, where one only moves if the other does—so they’re basically as close to being one as they can be.  He also says that “Thy firmness makes my circle just, / And makes me end where I begun” which implies that by his wife not mourning his absence and remaining firm in her stance, his absence will seem much shorter than if she were to fall apart and mourn the whole time.  Donne compares their relationship to two feet, each of them being a foot, and says that her foot staying firm will cause his to run a circle and end up right back where he began.  Basically, as long as he knows she is patiently waiting for him, he will always come back to her, which to me is really sweet. Donne’s most important point, to me at least, is where he says “Dull sublunary lovers’ love / (Whose soul is sense) cannot admit / absence, because it doth remove / Those things which elemented it.”  To me, this means that if two lovers who are apart admit the absence of the other, then they are removing what makes love.  Love is about a deep connection between two souls; so deep, that one is never truly absent from the other, but just a little farther away than normal.  Two souls that are in love always know that the other is out there waiting for them, so mourning the distance means admitting that one soul is gone, and to Donne that is the same as saying there is no connection.  Donne uses this poem to say that their souls are always connected, regardless of distance, and that by not mourning his absence, the connection between their souls—the love—will never leave.

I think that Byron is basically breaking up with a girl in his poem. I would assume this is a girl he’s been with mostly at night, and now he’s telling her that they will not be able to do it anymore.  He first says that “the heart be still as loving, / And the moon be still as bright” to say that they may still love each other, and that the nights may still be fun. Then he says how the “sword outwears its sheath” and the “soul wears out its breast” to convey that they have worn out this relationship despite how their love is still there, and how the nights are still fun.  Then he hits her with how “love itself [must] rest”, almost like he’s saying that he needs a break from loving her so much.  Finally, he says that the day comes too soon, as if he enjoys it at night, but by the time day comes, he’s over her.  He does all of this to basically say that they can’t continue this relationship, but I think he’s trying to leave it open for the possibility of getting back together.  As for the alignment of this poem, I think this poem draws elements from both The Flea and Valediction, but that it really aligns more with Valediction.  It takes the womanizer element from The Flea, as the narrator of Rovin seems to mostly be concerned with their relationship at night when they’re most likely having sex; but it takes the sentiment of the message of bad news from Valediction with how much effort the narrator is trying to put it to make it sound like the situation is not as bad as it is (the separation in Valediction and the breakup in Rovin). Basically, I think that Rovin has a narrator who is somewhat sympathetic (or pretends to be) but is still delivering bad news, which is basically the same as the narrator from Valediction.  However, I think the narrator in Valediction was probably a bit more genuine with what he said.

[balancednotclean-blog]

Factors and Patterns Leading to Binge Eating

One of the most difficult mechanisms to tackle in destructive behaviours such as disordered eating is its cyclical nature.

It can feel inevitable - at some point, the behaviour will come around and befall us again, and we’ll get trapped in compensatory measures in the aftermath.

However - what if we view that cycle as an opportunity (albeit an unfortunate one) to notice the patterns leading to a particular outcome?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a researcher, nor a doctor, or registered dietitian. Although I have a desire to study and I am on track to obtain the qualifications necessary to provide professional help, I am not currently. Question, question and question again everything I say, and do not let the advice of somebody on the Internet deter you from seeking presently qualified professional help.

Before we start, I’m going to define what I have experienced as a binge (and what I have experienced a simple overeating).

My definition of binging:

Binging is uncontrolled eating for illogical reasons - not for physical nourishment or even just sensible pleasure. When happening chronically, it is a key indicator of an eating disorder.

My views on the differences between overeating and binging:

Overeating, although it may be accompanied by specific emotions or eating beyond fullness, tends to be a sporadic event where we focus on the pleasure of eating in a particular moment in time. Such events may be celebrations, after drinking alcohol, or because we had a bit of a bad day and wanted to #treatyoself. Although it may have been undesirable, it’s not really the end of the world and doesn’t usually create a cycle (if you just move straight on from it).

Binging, on the other hand, has reasons more deeply hidden from our daily thoughts. It is often hidden and ritualistic, and foods may be consumed that aren’t ours or aren’t even tasty to consume. Fullness is ignored or even used as fuel to feel pain.

The pleasure is not savoured and is instead rushed or used as an attempt to escape mental unrest we haven’t resolved, and tends to stem from a place of negative thought (rather than positive or slightly negative, like overeating by diving into a pint of ice cream after a breakup).

Although I do not like to quantify binging, I do feel the distinction between overeating and binging is one of degrees. Eating a few too many slices of birthday cake is wholly different from devouring raw flour as a means of punishment.

Learning to distinguish the two is pretty important, however I feel the response to the two is very similar - because how we respond can affect whether a cycle is created (or perpetuated).

I’ll now list and talk through different pressures I feel lead me to binge.

Physiological (body, physical) Pressures

Although I am a strong believer that binging is mostly emotional for me (as it links to my eating disorder), there have definitely been instances when it has been wholly physical.

By this, I mean my body was quite literally starving for food. As a result, the urges it leads to are very strong, and cause an ‘overreaction’ - leading me to eat way more food than normal as a survival mechanism.

I think it is important to isolate physical pressures first, as even if they are not the main cause, they can definitely exacerbate the problem.

I’ll list them first and then I’ll talk them through.

chronic and/or extreme undereating / calorie deficit, including restriction following an excess food episode

being underweight and/or ‘underfat’

menstrual cycle

lack of sleep / rest

lack of nutrients

exercising too much (without adequate nutrition/rest)

Chronic and or extreme undereating / calorie deficit

Examples: long periods of dieting (if poorly managed, bodybuilding contest preparation could definitely fit here), restrictive eating/exercise patterns.

You will notice I’ve mentioned chronic and/or extreme. By chronic, I mean carrying on for a long time (many weeks, maybe months or even years). As for extreme? I am referring to dramatic reductions in food intake, probably over a much shorter period (after a few days, maybe only even one day).

I found out on this here Internet some time ago that there’s a hormone called leptin and a hormone called ghrelin. When ghrelin circulates you feel hungry, when leptin circulates you feel less hungry.

Extreme calorie deficits (burning way more calories than you consume) will dramatically increase your appetite as it shocks the body. Your good old pal ghrelin is the reason for that, because extreme reductions in calorie intake fire off warnings in your body that food might be in short supply… and as food keeps you alive, it makes you hungry to get you looking for it.

As for chronic dieting/undereating/restricting? Even if dieting slowly and carefully, it will slowly deplete leptin levels. Why? Your fat cells secrete leptin, particularly in the presence of adequate amounts of carbohydrate. If leptin levels are low and ghrelin levels are high, your body will want food.

How can the above lead to overeating, or even binging?

They won’t necessarily always (as it could be due to a phenomenon known as reactive eating/extreme), but they definitely increase the likelihood.

Strong physiological signals from your body may exacerbate any thoughts surrounding food you already have, and restriction may become associated with excessive consumption as a means of compensation. Essentially, by undereating for a long time or stupidly following some wacky fad diet, your body makes you crave food, particularly if your behaviour is cyclical. I know for sure I've fallen in this trap in the past.

If you’re prone to binging (which I still dispute as having mainly physical causes, I think it’s more emotional), the physical hunger in combination with any mental factors could be a tipping point for a binge to begin.

The real double whammy, though? Compensating for overeating or binging by returning to a restrictive diet is likely to cause it to happen again.

How do we minimise the influence of this factor?

Eat slightly more calories every day. Think about it mathematically - the number of calories that an over-eating episode or binge may take up is likely to either be the same or more than an increase in your daily calories throughout the week.

And, to be honest, if you’re chronically undereating, there will be impacts to your body beyond binging. It is a clear indicator of disordered behaviour if you’re in a binge/restrict cycle. Seek help from your doctor. A registered dietitian may be your best bet.

The world will not end if you do not restrict to make up for a period of too much food. You will be much better off to sort out your relationship with food and bring your diet back to equilibrium.

Go for slower progress, with scheduled breaks and small increases in calorie intake to offset any hunger hormone shifts. It’s a more sustainable method as well. Quick fixes never work.

Desperation to lose weight is always a warning sign. Consider why you feel this way.

And PS: if you’re ill or injured, get yourself at least on maintenance calories so you can get better. Period.

Being underweight and/or ’underfat’

I’ll keep this one short, as it’s very much linked to the above factor. Remember how leptin is secreted by fat hormones? If you have too little fat on your body for what your body deems your 'set point’, it will make you hungry so you eat more to gain some of fat back.

Psychologically, if you’ve used extreme restriction to reach this point, a kind of 'floodgate’ effect may occur. Although referring is necessary, it is again important to seek medical advice as to where your body is currently and how to reach a point of health again whilst learning balanced, structured eating patterns.

Menstrual cycle

This is also an important point when considering menstrual health in women - inadequate levels body fat is likely to slow or even stop your menstrual cycle. Your menstrual cycle is key to fertility, bone health and the general equilibrium in your body post puberty and pre menopause.

Different stages in your menstrual cycle may also lead to altered hunger patterns. Craving fats is stereotypical but actually extremely common. My advice? Track your periods, track your symptoms and work out where you are in your cycle. If your periods are absent or irregular, ask any other female members of your family what is normal and seek medical advice. Although not having periods may be convenient, in the long run it can do more harm than good.

Lack of sleep/rest

In a recent study, participants of both normal and obese BMIs were sorted into either a control condition (allowed to sleep for eight hours) or sleep deprivation condition (not allowed to sleep at all).

Using fMRI, blood flow (and thus brain activation, as oxygen and sugar demand is increased in active areas of the brain) was measured to determine differences in brain activity between the sleep deprived and control groups. Macronutrient intake (protein, carbohydrates, fats (which all add up to total calories)) was also measured.

What did the study find?

Although after the sleep deprivation period both groups ate the same number of calories (accounting for baseline measurements before the study), the group that was sleep deprived ate proportionally more from fats. Protein intake remained the same, but carbohydrate intake was reduced versus the control group.

Plus - the sleep deprived group ate extra calories whilst they were kept awake. Boredom and tiredness probably both were influential here.

And - a region of the brain known as the salience network - significantly correlated in activity with the increased fat and decreased carbohydrate intake of the sleep deprived group.

The implications of this?

Lack of sleep may cause you to eat more - and crave particular food sources. Although not covered in this study, it would be reasonable to assume that prolonged sleep deprivation (even if in smaller quantities rather than total sleep deprivation) could accumulate and lead to an increased food intake - especially from fats.

And, perhaps in a non-laboratory setting, the comfort of your own home and lack of observation could increase this impact even more.

I know that whenever I am tired, chocolate and nut butters were definitely on my radar.

The take home point? Try your best to get to bed at night to get enough sleep for you to feel rested and can give your body a chance to repair. Failing that, stay away from the kitchen at night, and again seek medical advice if your sleep is of concern.

Lack of specific nutrients

Although your calorie intake may be sufficient, the balance of nutrients that your diet is comprised of may not be.

Anaemia, for example, is a lack of iron. Without iron, your body cannot produce enough red blood cells, as they contain iron in the haemoglobin groups within each cell. Anaemia results in tiredness and muscle weakness.

If it’s always a specific food you seem to be fixated upon, question whether there is something your body may be lacking. It may not even be particularly highly concentrated in the food you’re after, but including more of particular foods on a regular basis.

If you’re following a diet that is banning particular foods? Unless you are medically unable to consume a food (such as if you are coeliac and cannot eat gluten), I would highly advise reassessing your diet.

As much as team #IIFYM may look like it only consumes PopTarts and chocolate bars, it’s important to get micronutrients as well. They regulate how your body works - which is arguably more important than what it looks like.

The 80/20 rule is a good guideline - if you really don’t know what to eat, try and get about 80% of your diet from a variety of lean proteins and vegetables in combination with extra carbohydrates for your activity levels. Have some fats, such as from dairy, dark chocolate and oils, for hormonal, brain and joint health. The remaining 20%? Enjoy sensible portions of foods you like, or just give yourself leeway to enjoy some sociable eating.

It’s better to have regular, sensible, smaller or at least planned portions of your favourite foods rather than going crazy and binging on masses of it all at once because it’s a 'cheat day’. That’s where IIFYM can work well in the long term - if it is used sensibly.

You can’t cheat on food. Food ain’t a monogamous relationship. Your broccoli won’t get jealous if you eat a bit of chocolate every day too.

Adultery is a concept best reserved for people, not foodstuffs! And although it is perhaps easier said than done to just the

Exercising too much

And we are at our final physical factor - exercising too much.

To clarify, I especially mean exercising:

too much too soon (aka trying to train like an Olympian when you’re a New Year’s Resolutioner)

not fuelling your body sufficiently for workouts

not resting when injured or sick

as a compensator for eating 'too much’

Am I implying here for you to stop exercising? No.

I’ve actually changed my mind on this from the past. I used to think that if your exercise was in any way linked to an unhealthy behaviour, it needed to stop. However, now, I think a more moderate approach is more effective.

Consider the kinds of exercise you are doing, and how much. Consider whether you truly enjoy it, and what your goals are.

Build up volume and intensity slowly. Exercise creates benefits through adaptation and increased volume over time - not all at once. Doing too much too soon is likely to backfire in illness, injury… or excess food intake.

The only example where going 'cold turkey’ may be necessary is if your body is in a situation where it is not healthy enough to partake in exercise, such as if you are extremely underweight.

Getting out of the routine of exercising after over eating may also be important in breaking the cycle (especially as that can become a psychological crutch, but more on that in subsequent sections).

Building a routine takes time. You might want that 'summer bod’ now, but quite honestly, when summer rolls around, you will have a body that is in summer and hence a 'summer bod’. That may sound infuriating, better to start slow and be consistent. There is no finish date when it comes to health, especially as a healthy life will generally be a longer one!

As for a proper diet whilst exercising - carbohydrates, stored as glycogen in the muscles, are the primary source of energy for activity. Yes, you can be 'fat adapted’, but don’t even get me started on that.

For exercise, carbs are energy, protein is for repair and muscle building, and fats are for hormonal health and repair. Balance all - eliminate none. An especially important mantra if you’re prone to binging.

The key thing about ALL of the physical pressures and patterns leading to overeating or binging? Your body sets it up so your body does not get damaged, stressed or run down.

Eliminating damaging behaviours is therefore key to at least reducing binges. As for overeating? Physiological factors will nearly always be a precursor to overeating especially (except for social occasions).

To really tackle binging, though, we will have to look in the mind as well.

Logical (overthinking, analysing) Pressures

The mind is a complex thing, as we all know. I like to think that we have an emotional mind and a rational one. That rationality - using reason, assessing evidence - is what we will look at here.

information paralysis

unclear or lack of conviction in your goals

planning food too much/too little (depending on whether you like structure in your day)

perfectionism / absolutist thinking

sudden obsession to play with food, whether that is making a recipe or rearranging the cupboards

Information paralysis

This is where we have so much evidence in conflicting areas that we don’t know how to act, or we’re so hung up on discovering the 'how’ that we never end up implementing it.

My aim with this post was to put all the 'how’s’ and 'why’s’ in one post, so that it was a singular source of corroborated support. I still worry it may be a lot to take in, though.

However, when I am talking about information paralysis in terms of binging, I mean how some people can be caught up on researching food, diets and nutrition so much that they never really know how to eat.

For example, intermittent fasting. Huge quantities of food are consumed in one sitting, usually towards the end of the day. Although evidence has been touted as to the physical benefits of this style of eating:

Most of this has been conducted on males. Males and females are, quite plainly, not the same.

This style of eating may reinforce eating a lot of food in one go, rather than eating more flexible meals throughout the day.

I personally tried it… and although anecdotal evidence hardly constitutes evidence, I was irritable, ended up binging more than ever, broke out in spots, lost strength and delayed my period returning. It took me several months to wean myself off of it again, and by that time my binging had become far worse, far more out of control and far more impactful upon my psyche and physique.

AKA: I’m not a fan (and I’ll divulge more why in future), and I feel physiologically it screwed me over as a teenage female, and mentally it dug me deeper in a hole of disordered eating. It was like trying to put a plaster on my skin for internal bleeding. I shouldn’t have tried it.

Likewise, other diets such as low carb, high carb low fat, gluten free, paleo… they’re all floating around with various success (and failure) stories and all kinds of books and fads being sold off of the back of them.

Information paralysis can make us feel like we don’t know what option to choose, as so many conflict.

Your body will have requirements I am unable to guess through a computer screen. Your body will have differences and uniqueness and nuances that any fad diet just cannot comprehend.

Consult medical advice before attempting an elimination diet. For most people, it is quantity of a particular food causing issues, not the presence of the food itself (unless it’s a source of food poisoning or toxic metals, but let’s be honest now - a slice of cake isn’t going to kill you).

If you feel paralysed by indecision, cross out all of the options and start fresh.

Eat for yourself. Eat for YOUR goals. Discover what works for you rather than what has worked to fill the pockets of some fad diet creator.

Nutrition is actually very simple. Don’t let your mind overcomplicate it. Here are 10 points that are quite honestly all you need to know. You can combine this with the 80/20 rule already covered.

Eat a wide variety of fruit and vegetables

Try and eat a source of protein in every meal

Eat slightly more of each food group if you are active

Protein helps to repair and build muscle tissue

Protein, carbohydrates and fats all contain energy (calories)

Eating more calories than you expend will cause you to build new tissues (gain body weight)

Eating fewer calories than you expend will cause you to lose weight

Eating about the same calories as you consume and expend will cause you to maintain your weight

Weight will sometimes fluctuate due to water, poop, hormones and other factors unrelated to actual body tissue mass

You can be calorie conscious without strictly calorie (or macro) counting

Unclear or lack of conviction in your goals

I know for sure that goals motivate me.

However, I am also prone to start picking apart my goals (especially if I get stuck in a philosophical, existential crisis of 'life is pointless’!).

In Jamie Alderton’s new book Mindset with Muscle, he uses the acronym FOCUS.

Focus on One Course Until Success.

It can be so easy to logically pull apart our goals, especially if they seem to be based on abstract concepts like attractiveness or wealth or anything like that.

But, if life is pointless… That means we can find purpose in anything we deem worthwhile. It doesn’t have to be anybody else’s definition.

It is OK to have goals regarding your appearance, athleticism, health and or food.

Whenever I have felt like sabotaging my goals because I feel them to be pointless, I remind myself that would be even MORE pointless.

You don’t have to punish yourself. I don’t have to punish myself. Although it is difficult, try to direct your logic in a positive direction. There is a reason I write blog posts like this :-).

Planning food too much/too little

I find if I do not plan my food, I find it hard to eat balanced, well rounded and satiating meals.

However, I have also taken months off of planning food over the last 6 months in order to prove to myself that I don’t need to strictly plan food either.

It’s all a balancing act. Planning doesn’t necessarily have to mean using a tracking app like MyFitnessPal - it could be writing a shopping list to ensure you have ingredients for tasty, warming dinners, for example. It could also be a fairly structured meal plan that prevents you getting 'decision fatigued’ (feeling burnt out from all of the food choices, similar to 'information paralysis’).

Planning too much can also cause fixation upon food in some people. It may be that dropping planning and tracking entirely is the crux of it for you.

In my experience, the more I try to rely on convenience snacks like protein bars, the worse I feel. I much prefer a well rounded meal, whether that was tracked and planned or picked intuitively (either way doesn’t really affect me).

Plus, having nice food planned can be a good way of preventing a feeling of restriction.

Unfortunately, a lot of this requires practice and isn’t a case of a quick fix. But here is what I have found helpful:

plan your food from the last meal first

if you are exercising, plan food around that next (such as a protein shake, high protein meal afterwards or carbs beforehand)

next, plan your fruit and veg intake

remember it is ok to eat the same meals on consecutive days - prepping several portions of meals in advance can save time and (mental) energy

slot in some your favourite things, whether that is your favourite oat topper, chocolate or any food you really like

extreme measures never work

At first, whilst my binges were still really common, I decided to ditch going for specific macronutrient (and so calorie) targets and instead focus on nutritious meals at scheduled times.

Snacking never really satiates me, whereas bigger meals do.

Although I was still hurting and feeling like I had to lose weight because of the amount I had gained from binging, realistically, my mind had to be in a stable place before I even attempted to lean out again.

It’s all a learning process - but every positive step IS important. And although, at the time, I would often feel like my progress was undone by my next binge, introducing newer and healthier and more balanced habits was slowly reducing both the frequency and extent of each binge.

You can do this. Give yourself time.

Perfectionism / absolutist thinking

Perfectionists want things to go strictly to plan every time.

This is where planning could definitely backfire - especially if something spontaneous happens that sends us off track.

Or, if we eat slightly more than intended, that 'absolutist thinking’ (thinking in on/off, this or that, black or white terms rather than relative, shades or degrees) could cause the “Oh **** it” mentality, inciting a binge.

I am a huge perfectionist. But I used to be a gargantuan perfectionist. Especially when it came to things like grades, and food.

But you know what?

Perfection is unattainable. Perfection does not exist. Perfection is not helpful. Perfection is not who I am. Perfection is a load of ****.

The more you strive for perfection, the further from it you fall.

Having 'slightly too much food’ doesn’t make you or that day a 'failure’ or a 'binge day’.

It’s just a day where you ate slightly more food.

Re-categorise and re-analyse how you define success and failure.

This has been one of the roughest and toughest aspects for me, but since I’ve been mentally slapping myself and telling myself to 'get over it’, days where I eat slightly more than I initially intended have become less of a shock. It’s no longer two circles of 'ate the right amount’ or 'ate too much’ - it’s a Venn diagram, with the overlapping part saying ’**** happens, get over it’. To a certain extent, that mindset is also helpful the day after any binges - I have to move on.

And, as a result, days with extra food have become less likely to trigger a binge, and the days after binges have been less likely to trigger another one.

Practicing this hurts like hell. But getting through each time makes it easier the next time.

Sudden obsession to play or interact with food

A particular pattern I have noticed is when I have ever been particularly fixated around food (whether that was due to my anorexia or binging years later), I would do obsessive, ritualistic things like reorganise food cupboards, sort foods and manically attempt to create things with said foods.

I would also feel the need to 'use up foods’ as they were making me anxious.

I think this is somewhat linked to control. Although I see control as a more emotional concept, I think rationally I was trying to dissipate the feelings of anxiety by 'displacing’ or 'removing’ the foods causing that anxiety.

To stop this, here is what I did: 

at first, I stopped buying the anxiety-provoking foods entirely

I then bought smaller portions of the food, so that not too much of it was ever in the house at once

I then bought larger portions, but asked my parents to keep them I a room out of my knowledge. They would have to get it for me

I then bought bigger quantities smaller portions, but kept them in a room away from where I would normally see them (but I knew they were there)

I also opted to try more meals out and not cooked by me

I have most recently bought larger portions of foods with me knowing where they are, however I still am open with my parents if I feel as though I may binge upon something

The above steps have taken a long time, l’ll be honest. It’s hurt a lot as well, as with every stage binges still happened along the way.

But I slowly regained control by at first relinquishing it and accepting that my relationship with food had gone completely haywire.

Your brain may try to make you feel ashamed. It certainly did to me. But use your logic positively here - there is nothing shameful in accepting your problems and working to fix them.

Set smaller goals, rather than thinking “today will be the last day I binge” - it might not be. Setting expectations for ourselves can sometimes backfire, especially if our confidence is low.

Focus on one thing at a time. Being open with those who support you may be a good start (maybe show them this post?).

By the nature of my posts, you may have guessed that using reason and logic is what I prefer to do. But, I actually think that this has been my downfall in some ways. By focussing so much on logic, I have ignored my emotions. This brings me onto the next part of this post - emotional pressures.

Emotional (controlling, feeling) Pressures

Dealing with the emotional side of disordered eating behaviour is difficult, probably because it’s one of the hardest factors to really measure. I honestly think there is something to learn every day about our emotional health. And, although it may be painful, digging up and reflecting upon the emotions that led us to act in the way we did may be the real key to ending disordered patterns for good.

Why? Although physical factors may make us vulnerable to certain actions, once physically corrected, the behaviour should go away. However, habits can emotionally and subconsciously attached to us, and we may even feel that these feelings are parts of our identity.

Changing how we feel can be really hard. It requires support and motivation. So, again, if you have not already, I encourage you to seek professional help. I am only a teenager. As much as I wish I had the answers to fixing everything, I do not.

But, I will attempt to share what I feel has at least improved my situation. I have reached points of utter, soul crushing despair because of my binging (as you may have read before on my blog)… but I have managed to make progress by considering the following points.

feeling out of control

difficulty in expressing emotions

comparing myself to others & self worth

knowing food won’t solve any current issues, but still feeling compelled to abuse it (lack of healthy emotional outlets)

Feeling out of control

Feelings of control tend to be a huge factor in disordered eating behaviour. When everything else feels lost and beyond our grasp, food is something we can change (or at least distract ourselves with) in the present.

The most important, yet scary, thing I have kept reminding myself is that life will happen whether I binge or not.

And, in the long run, binging makes me feel more out of control.

I’ve instead tried to focus on other repetitive, sometimes obsessive, but less damaging tasks like doing my nails.

I can control how I shape and care for them, and the outcome of that is at least positive, even if it still acts as a distraction.

I go into a similar trance when doing my nails, or my eyebrows, or blog maintenance, as when I am binging in a trance.

It’s hard to get started on these things. But put distractions out in the open, so you can see them in the physical world just as much as (or more than) food may be visible.

Over time, I have got myself out of the kitchen when I am feeling stressed, and expending that stressful energy upon something more positive instead.

Difficulty in expressing emotions

When I realised that food was my emotional outlet, it was a kind of defining moment. I didn’t quite believe it.

It is true, though. I have had a lot of problems in lowering those barriers to other people and even myself. Rather than letting myself feel emotional pain for whatever reason, I would inflict physical pain (through binging) that would have a distracting emotional effect later (because of the guilt and regret).

This is where moving on from a binge is important, I think. Because if you move on, those other emotions - guilt and regret - can’t distract you and sap you of energy. It puts you in the position to truly focus on the underlying problems facing you.

I actually think a lot of my underlying problems revolve around my sexuality. I have often wondered if I am asexual. I do not feel physical (or even romantic) attraction to other people.

Yet, upon further pondering, I honestly think this is because I have felt so insecure about how I look and who I am that I have shut off every ounce of me that could be attracted to another human being.

I remember telling myself when I was younger - only seven or eight - that nobody would ever love me because I was ugly, so there was no point in me ever liking anybody else (this was the kind of age when primary school kids were playing kiss chase and had pretend boyfriends and girlfriends).

As I’ve grown older, I’ve found it difficult to talk about relationships, and forming them has been even more impossible. Even when other people made it clear they were interested, some kind of intrinsic fear of rejection, inferiority and shame would bubble up.

I would also hide feelings like anger. Through therapy, I discovered my anorexia was caused by me being angry at being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (as it completely disrupted my life). This knowledge helped me to regain weight and recover.

By being completely frank with my emotions and insecurities, I feel binging has slowly begun to lose its hold. The binging was a symptom, a defence mechanism, a protective measure or barrier to shield the emotions I felt were inappropriate to share underneath.

But they aren’t inappropriate. They aren’t shameful.

I just shared them with all of you.

So although I am not completely clear and well practiced at sharing my emotions, over time, I have become better at it.

Fundamentally, it has come down to breaking down those belief systems that had me convinced that there was no point in confronting those thoughts.

Confronting those thoughts is key.

PS: I have been better able to analyse my own thoughts due to past experience with therapies like CBT. Professional help is again an important thing to note here. However, there are mindfulness courses readily available nowadays too that may help you reach the more uncomfortable thoughts you may have been hiding away in your mind.

Comparing myself to others & self worth

As helpful as I have found social media, at times, a step back from it has been my best step forward elsewhere.

I felt a need to post a lot. I felt like I wasn’t inspiring enough. I felt like people wouldn’t like me because of my binging. I felt like my binging made me a recovery fraud. I felt like people would laugh at me. I felt like people would ridicule my body.

By taking a small step back for a while, I reminded myself it’s OK to just focus on me and what I want.

I went to parties. I relaxed a bit. I got through some of the toughest months of my life.

No matter what somebody has or hasn’t achieved compared to me, nobody else in this world has the exact combination of factors that make me who I am. Their progress is therefore uncomparable to mine, so it’s pointless to beat myself up through it.

My eating disorder has always been a means of punishment, as well. Back when it was anorexia rather than binging, I hated my body - and starving myself was a punishment.

Binging had become that punishment, like I was trying to 'put myself in place’ and convince myself that I wasn’t worth anything.

How did I start to change this?

I became more open about my feelings. I confronted my shame, and confronted my brain. I told myself that, so what if other people don’t like me? So what if they reject me for these feelings I share?

I also began to reinforce more positive statements on a daily basis. For a time, I had a post it note by my bed that had positive statements on, such as “I value my goals”. Every day before I went to sleep and every day before I woke up, I saw it.

Over time, I began to believe it. And although self doubt can creep up and drag me down again, it’s happening less often. I am becoming better at reminding myself of my worth.

Knowing excess food won’t solve anything, but still abusing it

Perhaps the hardest thing I have had to deal with is being aware of absolutely everything above, but still feeling compelled to go for food.

Still feeling compelled to go to the kitchen. To munch endlessly. To engage in behaviours.

But the more progress I make in every area, the more this influence weakens.

The longer I can go without eating binging. The longer I can go without feeling that sorrow and lack of control.

I think voicing my feelings, sharing my journey and being unabashedly open about it all has made a real difference in this way.

And sometimes, also realising that I’m an addict - with an emotional dependence, really wanting that fix.

This is why every step is a positive one. Every step weakens the grip that binging has had upon me. Every step makes this compulsion weaker and less convincing.

So although I know I will probably binge again at some point, I also know that there will be more days that I won’t need to. It won’t even cross my mind. It won’t even be a concerted choice - I will just feel so great I do not need it at all.

Even when my brain tries to convince me I’ll never be a good personal trainer, I’ll never be good looking, I’ll never look like this, that, or the other… I have got through so much. The control food has had over me has weakened considerably; as even when other stressors have been present in my life, I have built up my hardiness to face them without falling into my eating disorder’s grasp.

Emotions can be fickle. But, they are important, and shouldn’t be ignored, instead, they should be constructively validated and expressed. I feel they are key to solving my binging for good.

This has been an absolute behemoth of a post, but I hope it has been of useful insight.

If you are struggling with binging, I will reiterate again the importance of acknowledging how your binges don’t sum you up as a person. You are more than your struggles, and you can overcome them. Although you may feel shame, grief, regret - try not to let those feelings make you hide. Blogging, or just scribbling on some paper in real life, could be a good first outlet for you.

Focus on one goal at a time. Binging can be really hard to stop, and to be honest, I’ve acknowledged that I’ll probably do it again in the future. But in saying that, in knowing that, I also realise that my eating disorder needs me more than I need it. Just like my anorexia years ago, it feeds upon misery and perceived failure. Yet, with every step, every little bit of progress, I am weakening its grip.

I started by trying to minimise the physiological pressures in my life, such as lack of sleep, that made it harder to cope emotionally and logically. Taking a step back from yourself and imagining your body is a Sim or a personal training client or something made this aspect somewhat easier. This slowly made it easier for me to start to confront my emotions.

Binging is a symptom, rather than the problem itself. Food, in itself, is not the problem. Observe and take note the patterns that lead you to behave and feel in particular ways.

Although it may sometimes feel hopeless, you can make progress.

And that progress is what we need - not perfection.

Most importantly of all, no matter how bad it gets, don’t quit. You never know how close you are to your next breakthrough. Change can take a long time… But a long time is better than never at all.

[tommykinardismyautisticbbg]

Did i need to see this today😭

I keep having thoughts about what might've happened to Tommy to get him that spooked about the moving in conversation, and I figure maybe the last place he lived was an ex's house, but that's not the whole story.

And the place he's in now, it's important to him. There's a lot of reasons he freaked out that night talking to Buck, and a big one is the thought of giving up that little space he carved out for himself after the last time he got his heart broken. Because it wasn't just a breakup, it blew up his life. Maybe he came home to find his ex with someone else, maybe the guy just kicked him out with no warning and no explanation. Tommy spent weeks, months, trying to figure out why he wasn't good enough, throwing himself into work and not telling anybody he was living out of his truck.

He didn't really think of it as being homeless. He had his stuff, his job, he showered in the locker room and spent his weekends at the laundromat combing through realty websites and apartment listings. It wasn't like he was sleeping in a cardboard box or anything, he was...fine. Mostly.

He doesn't realize how Not Fine it was until he's three months settled into his new place, and he just spent four hours looking everywhere for a charging cable he's only now remembering got stolen out of his truck the day after his ex dumped him. It all hits him at once, and he breaks down.

The next few years are spent building. Turning the house into something that feels like his own. But using it to isolate himself. It's his, and no one else's. And that's what it will always be.