#the blog has just been sitting here chilling for awhile now

[daveeddiggsit]

No Return

Note: so this is not a new fic. i actually posted it back in 2017 (but deleted all my smut from this blog about a year afterwards haha we love being impulsive). but i’m over myself now, so i’m reposting! a lot of you have been asking about it, so... here you go. posted for all of y’all to enjoy again.

Word Count: 4.7k

Pairing: Daveed Diggs x Reader

Warnings: smut. cursing.

Summary: Diggs loses a bet which results in him owing you a lap dance.

Parties at Rafa’s place were always the best; the drinks were great, the music was amazing, the atmosphere was never dull, but the best part about them were the incredible people that made up each one; you were never bored. There was always something to do whether you were talking to people, dancing, playing drinking games, or just drinking in general. And that’s why whenever you were told that there was going to be a party at Rafael Casal’s apartment, you never turned it down...even if you ended up showing up late.

“Well, look at who finally decided to show up.” You heard a familiar voice say as you walked through the door to Rafa’s place. Daveed grinned widely at you before he slid an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to him as you walked deeper into the apartment. “My favorite!”

Daveed was one of your closest friends and if you were being honest, it would have been a lie if you said you didn’t want him to become something more than that. The two of you often flirted and were constantly together (these occurrences happened so often that there were many times people believed you were dating), but neither of you had made a real move. You knew how you felt toward him, and he was giving you signs that he felt the same way, but no true actions were made by either party. So that’s why it stayed the way it was between you two: just close friends who often flirted with each other.

“Aw, I’m your favorite?” You asked, raising your voice so he could hear you over the loud music that was pumping through Rafa’s speakers.

“Uh, yeah,” he stated as if it was obvious, “but don’t tell anyone else. It’s a secret between you and me.” He whispered in your ear as you entered the kitchen.

Yeah, he had definitely downed a few drinks before you got here.

“Diggs, I’m pretty sure everyone heard you when you shouted it.” You laughed as you plucked the cup half-full of alcohol from his grasp, draining it of its contents. He pouted at you once you handed him back an empty cup.

“Y/N, hey! It’s been forever since I’ve seen you!” Adrienne said from beside Rafa who was pouring out a few drinks.

“Hey!” You pulled away from Daveed’s grasp to give her a hug. She’d been away in Canada for the last few weeks shooting for a new project she was working on. “I’ve missed you! Why’d you have to leave me alone to deal with these boys for so long?”

Adrienne laughed while Rafael furrowed his eyebrows.

“Oh, so you didn’t miss me? I see how it is, Y/N, I see how it is.” He feigned hurt, before pushing a couple of newly filled cups towards you and Daveed.

You rolled your eyes at him. “We had lunch a few days ago, Cash, it hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen you.”

“But so much has changed since then.”

You chuckled before taking a sip. “Like what? Did you finally finish that song you’ve been working on?”

“No.” Rafael replied before he smiled at Adrienne beside him. “Unlike Diggs, I am no longer a single and lonely Bay Boy.”

Daveed’s eyebrows furrowed as he cocked his head. “Yo, who said I was lone—?”

“You guys are finally together? Oh my god, congrats!” You cut in with widened eyes.

They both grinned at each other before Rafa leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“Aww,” you gushed, “you two are couple goals already.”

A few seconds passed before you felt Daveed’s arm drape around your shoulders again.

“You know, we could be couple goals too.” He said, looking down at you with a smirk.

You rolled your eyes, pushing him away. “Ha, you wish, Diggs.”

You laughed it off because you knew he was too tipsy to be serious. He always flirted with you like this, but why did this time feel so different?

A few drinks later, you were beginning to feel the familiar light-hearted, buzzing feeling course throughout your body, giving you a boost of energy. You had drifted away from Daveed and Rafa to roam through the house and catch up with people you hadn’t seen since your Hamilton days. You were talking with Adrienne and Ari when you heard your name being called from behind you.

“Aye, Y/L/N!”

You turned your head to see Daveed standing next to a table a few feet away. 

“Diggs!” You responded in the same playful tone.

He grinned at you before waving you over. “Come play Flip Cup with me.”

“Really?” You quirked an eyebrow. “You lose every time you play against me, D.”

“I’m feeling confident today. I’ve been practicing.”

You tried not to laugh as you rose from your seat and approached him. “Practicing?”

“Bruh,” Rafa snickered at his friend from the other end of the table. “You played a few games before this and won two in a row. That ain’t practicing.”

You let a smug grin show up on your face as you glanced back up at your best friend. “Daveed, I am the queen of Flip Cup, okay? You can’t beat me. Nobody ever has, and nobody ever will. That’s a fact.”

“I’m pretty sure I can beat you today, Y/N.” He said bluntly. Wow, he was forward when he was drunk. “I have a good feeling about this.”

“Ha,” you huffed out a laugh, “wanna bet?"

“What do you propose, oh mighty Queen of Flip Cup?”

You thought for a second. What was something you knew would make him think twice about challenging you? Something that would make him step down from this newfound cockiness he embodied.

When the idea formed in your head, you sent him a sly grin. “Winner gets a lap dance from the loser.”

You distinctly remembered an earlier conversation with him where he stated that he couldn’t dance. You knew it was untrue due to the times you’d seen him dance at the club or during some of the numbers in Hamilton, but you also knew that the wager wasn’t something he’d necessarily jump on (despite the confidence boost the alcohol had supplied him).

Rafa led the mini crowd that had formed around you in a chorus of “ooo”s.

“Deal.”

You looked up at Daveed in surprise. You hadn’t expected him to agree to the terms so easily.

“Diggs, that means if you lose— sorry, when you lose, you have to give me a lap dance.”

“I know.” He said seriously.

“And you’re good with that?”

“If it happens, which it won’t because I’m gonna win, then yes.” He stated, his mouth forming into a confident smile. “I’m good with that.”

Fine, he wanted a challenge? You were going to give him one.

“Alright, then.” You said, narrowing your eyes at him. “Game on."

⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆

Daveed lost. Badly.

So badly, in fact, that you actually felt bad for him. So you tweaked it so it was the best out of five games...and even then, he still lost.

Oh well, it’s not like you didn’t warn him.

When the third game ended and Daveed realized his defeat, he threw his head back and groaned.

“Aww, don’t be such a sore loser. You lost fair and square, Diggs. ” You teased with a smile, wrapping your arms around his torso to hug him from behind. “I warned you. I told you I was the queen of Flip Cup, but you didn’t listen.”

“Those cups were rigged, Y/N.” He stated, turning around in your grasp so he could hug you back.

You laughed, rolling your eyes. “Say whatever you want to make yourself feel better. Nothing’s gonna change the fact that you owe me a lap dance.”

He was quiet for a moment before he murmured something. “You know I can’t dance, right?”

“First of all, yes you can. And secondly, lap dances are different, Diggs.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Yes they are. And if you don’t think they’re different, you dance at parties all the fucking time. You should be able to handle an easy lap dance.”

He lifted his head back up from your shoulder to look down at you. “But Y/N...”

You let out a laugh before you patted his cheek lightly. “You dug yourself into this hole, loser. Guess you’re just gonna have to figure it out because you’re not getting out of this one.”

⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆

The next day you woke up to someone knocking on your door. In sweats and an old t-shirt, you made your way over to unlock it, squinting your eyes to adjust to the bright light. The slight hangover you had wasn’t really helping you get out of your groggy state.

“Daveed?” You asked, realizing who your visitor was once your vision adjusted. “What are you doing here so early?”

He was dressed in a yellow Oaklandish tank top that showed off his toned arms/shoulders and dark blue jeans with a brown belt buckled just enough to let them sit loosely on his hips. You also noticed that he decided to rock his glasses today.

You snapped your eyes up to his and away from his figure that left you breathless. You totally had not just checked him out.

“If your definition of early is 2 o’clock in the afternoon, I think you may need to reevaluate some things and consider fixing that sleep schedule of yours.” He replied with his lips turning up into an amused grin.

“Shut up, I had a late night last night.” You mumbled, turning around to walk away, leaving the door open so he could let himself into your apartment. “And you did too. I’m surprised you’re not asleep right now.” You glanced back at him to see him shrug.

“I had to meet Bill and Jon at the studio at 10. I’ve been up since, like, 9:30.”

“Damn, Diggs, you’re gonna have to teach me your ways.”

“Caffeine.” He chuckled, putting on his signature grin. “It works miracles.”

You returned the smile, before sending him a curious look. “So, why are you here? Not that I mind or anything, it’s good to see you, but you haven’t been over in like a month and a half.”

“Exactly! It’s been awhile since we’ve hung out alone, so I thought it’d be dope if we chilled and watched movies or something.” He replied before he went to ramble on. “I mean— only if you want to. If you’re really tired, I can leave so you can get some more sl—”

“No, no, it’s fine! That sounds great.” You cut him off and placed a hand on one of his toned arms to reassure him. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah!” You responded. “Just let me take a quick shower and we can start in like 20ish minutes.”

“A 20 minute shower counts as a quick shower?” He questioned with a teasing look.

“Yes,” you said, “or would you rather it be 45ish minutes?”

“20ish minutes is good. Have fun with your quick shower. Though, I think it would be more fun if I joined.” A tiny but noticeable smirk made its way onto Daveed’s face.

You laughed when he sent you a playful wink, dropping your hand from his arm to walk towards your room. “You wish, Daveed Diggs.”

“You have no idea.” He mumbled under his breath (inaudible to your ears) before he let his eyes follow your retreating figure.

“Maybe you could set up the movie in the meantime? It’s your turn to choose. The remote’s on the coffee table and you know where the popcorn and shit is in the kitchen. I’ll be out soon. If you need anything, yell.” You said before closing the door to your room.

Daveed sent a thumbs up in your direction even though he knew you couldn’t see it before he made his way to your living room.

Little did you know, Daveed had something else planned.

⋆﹥━━━━━━━   ♛   ━━━━━━━﹤⋆

When you emerged from your shower, you quickly dried yourself and combed through your now damp hair. After that, you exited your room and entered your living room to see that it was completely dark. Confused, you surveyed the room to look for your best friend, but there was no sign of him at all.

Did he leave? If he did, he didn’t text you or anything to let you know.

“D?” You called out, walking further into the room.

With each step you took, the more you realized how this seemed like a scene from a horror film. You weren’t a fan of them, but a few months back Daveed and Rafael had pretty much forced you to have a scary movie marathon with them.

“Daveed Diggs, I swear to God. If you’re trying to scare me right now, I will—”

You squeaked when a pair of arms snaked their way around your waist from behind. Daveed’s voice had come seemingly from out of nowhere. “You’ll what?”

“Kick your ass.” You glared at him, quickly turning around to push him away. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”

He laughed, smiling brightly. “I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“No, you’re not.” You grumbled, moving to sit on your couch. Daveed followed you.

“You right. It was so worth it.” He grinned at you, causing you to roll your eyes at him. You tried to stay mad at him, but it was damn near impossible when he was looking at you like that.

“We’re not friends anymore.” You stated, crossing your arms.

“What, why?” He asked, his grin dropping into a pout.

“You were mean to me, Diggs! How dare you scare me in my own home!” You were laughing internally.

“Okay, fine. I’m sorry for real this time. What can I do to make it up to you?”

When he asked, you contemplated it for a few moments before you looked up at him with a smirk.

“What?” He asked.

“Well, you still owe me that lap dance…”

He groaned, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back on the couch. “I thought you forgot about that.”

“Nope.” You said, your smirk forming into a smug grin. You had the upper hand now. “How could I forget you losing a bet against me, resulting in a lap dance from the great Daveed Diggs himself?”

After a couple of seconds, he sighed, opening his eyes and tilting his face towards you. “If I do this now, will I win back your friendship?”

“I’ll think about it.” You said, causing him to give you a deadpanned look. You laughed before you spoke again. “Yeah, I guess we could be friends again. But it has to be good.”

Daveed sighed again before he straightened himself up. “I don’t even know how to give a good lap dance, Y/N.”

“Improvise. C’mon, D, you’re great at improv. Treat it like you treat a freestyle. Just go with the flow.” You smiled widely at him.

“Fine.” He said, getting up from his spot next to you. “But I’m only pulling through with this because I like you.”

“Aww, you like me?” You asked teasingly to mask the actual feeling that was coursing through you. You continued to grin at him as he pulled out his phone to scroll through his music library. When he finally settled on a song by The Weeknd, he turned to you once he pressed play.

“Do I start now?”

“Yes,” you laughed. “C’mon, you know how a lap dance works. You’re not a novice when it comes to these things, stop fucking around.”

You could see him smile and rub his arm before he looked away for a second. When he started to slowly sway to the beat of the song, it was extremely hard for you to stifle your laugh. Your best friend was about to give you a lap dance and you could not take him seriously.

He continued to dance to the beat for a bit as he stared you down with a smirk. He was doing this shit on purpose. He was joking around until you couldn’t contain your laughter any longer.

“Diggs, I can’t take you seriously like this. I can—” You wheezed. “I just can’t.”

Your laughter and the slow, sexy beats of the music were the only audible things in your apartment until Daveed spoke again. 

“Are you ready for me, Y/N?” His smooth, low voice washed over you.

You let out yet another giggle. “Don’t make it sound so sexual.”

“It's supposed to sound sexual, Y/N, it’s a fucking lap dance.” He chuckled, now standing directly in front of you.

“Alright, show me what you got, Bay Boy.”

You continued to laugh at him as you watched him, but the moment he straddled your lap, you stopped. His arms were on each side of your head, using the couch to steady himself over you as his hips began to slowly grind against you. That’s when the atmosphere in the room completely changed.

Your eyes widened slightly when you saw him bite his bottom lip in concentration. When you envisioned Daveed giving you a lap dance the night prior, you didn’t think it would be like this...it was flustering you more than you thought it would. Before you knew it, you were struggling to control your movements. Your fists were clenching and unclenching as you so desperately tried to keep them anchored to your sides.

As if he had read your mind, Daveed murmured, “You can touch me, Y/N. Don’t be afraid.”

If you weren’t turned on before, you definitely were now. His gravelly voice paired with his hot breath right next to your ear caused you to shiver, making goosebumps appear across your entire body.

Then, you finally let your hands wander. They traveled up his chest to rest on his shoulders, then back down again to move under the hem of his tank top so you could feel his bare and strong torso. Sure it was a bold move, but the more and more Daveed grinded on you, the less and less you cared. When his tank top rode up to the point where you could see all of his abs, he paused to stand up and quickly get rid of the article of clothing before he came back to straddle you again. 

Your heart was beating wildly in your chest as you looked up at your best friend. He looked undeniably attractive when he was on top of you shirtless and with his glasses on. Every feeling you had ever felt for him came crashing down on you at that moment and that’s when you just about lost your self-control. Part of your brain was screaming at you, saying that you were about to cross a line that you could never cross again...but at the same time, all of your cares had disappeared.

You used your newfound courage to cup Daveed’s face in both of your hands and pull him into a deep kiss. He gasped softly, surprised at the sudden contact, but quickly eased into it. 

You had just passed the point of no return.

You didn’t know what to expect when you decided to kiss him, but it was better than you could have imagined. When you pulled back, his mouth was slightly dropped in awe and one of the sides slowly twitched up into a soft smile. (It was kind of adorable.)

“Daveed, I like you.” You blurted, short of breath.

His face broke out into a full grin. “I like you too, Y/N.” 

“No,” you shook your head, moving your hands from his cheeks down to his shoulders. “I mean like— like like you.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “I mean, I figured given what just happened a few seconds ago. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

You shrugged, breaking eye contact with him. You subconsciously traced one of your thumbs across his collarbone. “I was afraid of rejection, I guess.”

“Are you serious?”

“What?” You asked, sounding offended.

Daveed caught your gaze again, pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear. “Y/N, I’ve had like the biggest fuckin’ crush on you since Ari introduced us.”

“Wait, really?”

“Mhm,” he hummed. “I’m actually really surprised you didn’t notice.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about your crush earlier, Diggs?” You voiced, giving him a pointed look.

He gave you a shy smile when he moved off of you to sit beside you, still facing you. “Same reason as you.”

“You know what? I’m not even mad about not knowing sooner.” You said. “I’m glad we found out like this.”

“You’re just happy I gave you a lap dance with my amazing skills.” He teased with a laugh of his own.

You laughed again, and pushed at his chest so he could lay on his back and let you crawl on top of him to straddle his waist. “Not gonna lie, I didn’t think you had it in you, Diggs.”

His jaw dropped completely as he looked up at you. “But you said that I could do a lap dance when even I said I couldn’t!”

“That’s true, but to be fair, I never said you couldn’t do a lap dance. I just didn’t think you’d do as well as you did.”

Your response brought yet another smile to his face as you leaned closer to him. “I’mma take that as a compliment.” He said softly.

At this point, the song Daveed had chosen had ended a while ago and the lap dance was long over.

“Good.” You responded before you kissed him again.

This one was different from the first. It started off soft, but quickly turned passionate and heated. As your mouths moved against each other, Daveed’s hands moved from your hips up to the hem of your shirt, his fingertips grazing your bare sides, leaving goosebumps in their wake. The only word you could use to describe this feeling was just complete bliss.

When you reached down to Daveed’s belt buckle, he shivered, causing you to smile against his lips.

Then he pulled away, panting. “Y/N…” he breathed. “Are you sure about this? You don’t have to— fuck.” He cursed as you pulled back completely to unbuckle his pants. “I don’t wanna push y—” 

“Daveed,” You said, before pausing quickly to put a hand on his scruff, tenderly moving your thumb to caress his cheek. “I’m absolutely sure about this. Now please, shut the hell up so I can blow you.”

You smirked when you saw his eyes widen and when you crawled off of him to go in between his legs, you heard a quiet, “Okay.”

Wasting no more time, you removed his jeans and boxers to free his erection. You could see Daveed’s chest begin to rise and fall quicker when you took his length into your hand and pressed a kiss to the tip of it.

“Oh, shiiit.” He drawled softly when your mouth wrapped around him, slowly sucking your way down as far as you could. As you began to bob your head up and down, Daveed’s breathing increased with each suck and occasional flick of your tongue.

Now, he was fully panting. He lifted his head up to look down at you, causing him to groan. After a minute or two, he brought a hand down to move some strands of hair out of your face.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he babbled, “I...I shouldn’t...oh God, I shouldn’t be this fucking close.”

You slowly pulled off of him and he brought you back up to kiss him again.

“You,” Daveed breathed against your lips, “are way too fucking good at that.”

You grinned.

“And,” he continued, “this clothing situation is a bit unbalanced, don’t you think?” 

His thumbs grazed the waistband of your sweatpants. When you nodded, you pulled them down along with your underwear. You moved off of him to take them off completely and remove your shirt and bra, leaving you just as bare as he was.

You climbed back on top of him, straddling his washboard abs, when he ushered you to move up. You obeyed, moving forward an inch or two, but Daveed shook his head and grabbed your thighs, moving you himself.

“Daveed, what are you doing?”

“Returning the favor.” He said simply, bringing you over to his face.

“Oh,” you breathed when you felt his tongue lightly touch your clit.

The man’s mouth worked miracles from between your thighs. Daveed kept you still above his skilled tongue, occasionally giving your ass a squeeze.

“D-Daveed,” you gasped, your mouth forming a perfect ‘O’ as his tongue lightly circled your clit before he brought fully into his mouth to suck gently.

This was the best head you’d gotten...well ever, actually. He wanted you to feel the best you’d ever felt and he definitely achieved that.

Before you knew it, you were reaching your high, climaxing as you shouted Daveed’s name, not caring how loud it echoed throughout your apartment. When you crawled back down Daveed’s body, the two of you shared a sloppy kiss as you both breathed heavily.

Although you just came, you weren’t completely satisfied. You still wanted him... needed to feel him inside you.

You moved to position yourself above his cock, but he made you pause before you could do so.

“Y/N, stop,” Daveed panted. “Condom.”

“Don’t need it.” You replied quickly. “I’m on the pill.”

“Oh, fuck yes.” He replied, releasing you so you could resume what you were about to do.

You breathed out a laugh before you slowly sank down onto his length, making both you and him release a groan. 

“You are so fucking gorgeous,” he gasped. “You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.”

Your fingers ghosted along his stubble-ridden jaw. “I think I have an idea.”

When you adjusted to his size, you began to bounce and he helped you, meeting each of your thrusts as he guided your hips onto him.

Your lips met Daveed’s yet again and you captured every moan that fell from his mouth, he did the same for you. As your pace quickened, so did each grunt, pant, and moan. You felt your pussy begin to clench again like it had when you came before.

“I’m gonna come,” Daveed said quickly against your mouth.

“Fuck.” You groaned. “Me too, D.”

“Come for me, sweetheart.” He breathed, bringing a hand up from your hip to cup your cheek. “You can do it.”

And you did.

Your walls clenched around him and you gasped, letting your orgasm wash over you in waves. Daveed came shortly after you, and continued to thrust, riding the both of you through your highs.

As you came down and pulled yourself off him, you collapsed, exhausted, halfway leaning on him and halfway laying on your couch. You moved a hand up to rest on his chest again, closing your eyes in bliss as you relaxed against him.

After a minute or two of silence, Daveed broke it.

“Wait, so...does this mean we’re friends again?” 

You looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. He was still on that? Wow, what a dork. “After this? Everything that just happened?” You asked bewildered. “God, I hope not.”

“Fine,” he said letting his signature bright smile show up on his face, still breathing heavily. “More than friends?”

Your heart fluttered in your chest and you grinned widely back at him. You leaned up to softly kiss his jaw before you gave him your answer.

“Way more than just friends, D.”

[violetnotez]

Is the this the longest fic Ive ever written? Yes. Does it suck? Also yes. Will nobody read it because it makes no sense but Im still going to post because I wasted way too much damn on this thing? TRIPLE YES.

Word count: 10.4k words (she thicc)

Genre: Angst and Fluff, sfw

AU: Fantasy AU!, Hanahaki disease

Prompt: “How could your keep this from?”

Warnings: blood

Summary: You are born into a worls where you must marry your best friend, Prince Shoto, in order to unite your kingdoms in harmony. You are happy to marry your childhood friend and love, until he leaves for a quest unannounced, and you are left questioning if you really want to marry him. Once he returns a few weeks before your planned wedding, you begin to not fall in love with him, but one of his comrades- the barbarian, Bakugo. 

*this is for the even for @bnhabookclub​! Heres the link to the post if your interested!

Again. welcome to the shitshow that is my blog. read at your own risk cause this gets REAL WIERD REAL QUICK

Petals-all you could see were the petals.

Your mouth and  throat felt so dry, your forehead damp with sweat as your back convulsed painfully, raspy coughs wracking out of your chest as you forced the petals out of your body.

They were so pale, like creamy vanilla, a stark contrast from the droplets of your blood splattered on the delicate buds.

You quickly reached for your handkerchief, wiping the residue off your dry mouth in fear of it dribbling on to your white dress-your wedding dress. Your hands were shaking, unable to cry any more tears at your misery-you had come to terms many weeks ago that you were going to reach an unhappy end.

Why did it have to be him?

----------------

You were the princess of your kingdom, destined to marry Prince Shoto of the neighboring kingdom. It was something you two had been accustomed to from birth- in order to connect  the two kingdoms and end the quarrels between the two civilizations, you had to marry. It would be a harmonious marriage: Prince Shoto was kind, soft spoken, and a natural born leader. You two had been wonderful friends as siblings, your fathers putting away their troubles in order for you two to get along. They were hoping that by making you friends at a young age, you would learn to grow feelings for each other.

 For a time, it worked-you had fallen for Prince Shoto, his soft yet powerful demeanor making you  blush each time you remembered him, your young hands writing your name with his last in your journal like a prayer. At 13 you already began to count down the days until you would turn 18, because on that day, you were set to marry your predestined lover- Shoto Todoroki.

For years you had felt so lucky you were blessed with such a sweet boy to be with, being able to live out your lives harmoniously and in peace, something both your parents didn't have the luxury to have. It sometimes left you feeling frustrated- Shoto was truly kind, but very quiet about his thoughts. Your love felt one sided, Shoto seemingly only tolerating you because he had to. 

Once he got older, he became more distant towards you, clearly wishing to rebel against his father’s wishes by being distant towards you. It hurt you immensely to see your best friend and crush plainly reject you, but you still held on to the hope that you two could be happy with each other. Yet all that changed when the Prince had left for a quest.

He had been gone for what seemed like an eternity and for a time, you were extremely worried. You could barely focus on your studies, only imagining your poor friend somewhere cold, hungry, and alone. You knew he would be fine, he was a resilient fighter, but yet you couldn't help but allow the worrisome thoughts to collect in your brain. After news that the Prince was in a neighboring kingdom, safely traveling with a young boy, a witch, and a warrior, you felt at ease- with all those comrades, he was sure to be safe. You finally breathed a sigh of relief, able to calm your anxieties after a long time of being unable to.

 Information continued to trickle in, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it always stated that the Prince was spotted safe and sound. You took solace in that information, and for awhile, you began to worry less and less about Shoto, until he was barely a memory.

During that time, you had begun to take on the habit of reading. Before it was a task you simply did when forced or extremely bored, only reading books and stories from your own kingdom. 

With so much extra time on your hands waiting upon the Prince to return, you began to learn of other stories, ones that were trully a delight to you: stories of nomads who traveled the country and did rituals to bring them fortunes, women who sold potions by gathering mystical ingredients from the woods, people choosing their own destines and their own paths. It intrigued you- from birth you had one mission for your life: to unite your kingdoms. Once you married Prince Shoto, your destiny would be complete: and then what would you do? You had no other purpose, except being a symbol of that peace for the rest of your life, sitting pretty on a throne until your last breath. 

It began to eat at your insides, gnaw at your conscience that you were merely a pawn in your father’s legacy. You could now fully understand why Shoto had been so defiant: he had realized the truth of his life as well.

Slowly, you began to learn to dread instead of anticipate your wedding day. With the Prince being gone, it was sending quite a ruckus in your home, your father more annoyed with each passing day that the Prince had not come back. You, on the other hand, rejoiced. The kings had both agreed at your times of birth that if anything happened to either child before your 18th birthday, the agreement would be cancelled and the marriage no more. They would rely on their children to fix their broken ties. 

You had just turned 17, the mental clock beginning to tick  in you and your father’s minds, as the Prince still wasn't back form his quest. Just a few more months, and you would both have your wishes: Shoto seemed to have no interest in marrying you, and why should you even for that matter? You two truly didnt love each other- your friendship was a hoax your fathers had created in order to save their own legacies. Your love for each other was man-made and a lie. Just a few more months, and you'd be free of this terrible fate.

------------

The day you turned 17 and a half, you were busying yourself on your plush pink bed, reading another novel about free spirited women in a far off land.

“Princess y/n,” your hand maiden opened the door quietly, afraid of disturbing you, “the King would like to speak with you.”

You gave your shy handmaiden a small smile, delicately marking the spot in your book as your feet landed on the cold floor. 

“Thank you,” you replied, “Ill be there shortly.”

You entered your father’s study, his feet stomping the room heavily as he paced in deep thought.

The room was grand, a golden chair sitting in front of an old ebony desk, the room surrounded by maps, battle plans, and bookcases full of legends of stories written long before your time. Light flitted through long windows against the wall, looking out to the rural countryside and a matching red carpet run the lengths of the stone floors.

Your entrance seemed to have disturbed your Father’s train of thought, his head instantly looking to see who had interrupted him. Once he saw it was you, he sighed, greeting you with a tight smile.

“You wished to see me Father?’ you asked politely, your fingers tugging nervously at the sleeves of your dress. Your father never called upon you unless it was extremely important- had you done something wrong? You wracked your mind for any actions that would had been unwise for your father to find out, but to your surprise, you couldnt think of a single thing you had done.

“Yes, yes,” your father said hastily, waving his hands toward a small wooden chair at the foot of his desk, “please-sit. We have much to discuss.”

You sat on the hard chair, a chill traveling your back as you watched your father sit in his plush throne, his face clearly tired.

“As we all know, Prince Shoto has been on a quite a long quest for some time,” your father began, his voice deep with annoyance, “and has not come back. And with your 18th birthday fast approaching, and it worries me that the boy wont be back in time for your marriage. I have talked to King Todoroki about my worries,  who also had the same fear, and he promised to bring the boy back and end his little shenanigan. But Shoto refuses to leave until his quest is complete.” 

Your father took in a deep breath through his nose, his face a mix of anger and agitation.

Your heart beat excitedly- the prince wasnt coming back? The news bounced happily inside you, giving you some hope that you needed- that must have been why he had gone on that quest in the first place! Even though you were excited, you felt a tightness in your chest- you were childhood firend after all. He really didnt like you that much that he felt he had to run away?

“Oh dont look so solemn daughter,” your father comforted, his voice soft with sympathy,” Shotos father allowed the boy to finish his quest in 5 months’ time, and he is forced to return to his kingdom. In the meantime, we can not forget the whole reason for your marriage like young Todoroki has- you must connect the kingdoms in order to bring harmony.``

“Which is why,” your father added, “we must begin to plan the wedding.”

Your head shot up, the feeling of shock flooding your body. It was still going to happen? Your body began to feel heavy, your father's words fuzzy against your ear- you didn't want this, any of this. You felt trapped like a songbird in a cage, unable to scream out what you desperately wanted to say: if he didnt love you, you didnt want any part of this.

Your father seemed to not notice the look of terror on your face, continuing to inform you of his plan. “We already have sent out invitation to relatives and noblemen in other countries, as well as begin to plan out the festivities. It will be a 3 day event, full of food and parties and, of course, the celebration of our kingdoms coming together. The closer to the date, we will begin to need you for fittings of your dresses as well as rehearse your wedding vows and such. I promise I will make this as wonderful as I can, for you are my only daughter.” 

The king smiled at you, wrapping your stiff body into a hug. You could barely feel his embrace- the world was numb to your screaming mind. You wished upon everything in you to end this, to make this all go away, but you knew you couldn't- you would be forced to do this whether you wanted to or not. 

You simply nodded your head to your father’s parting words, and then ran to your quarters, shutting the door and ceremoniously throwing yourself on your bed in defeat.

--------------

For days you felt numb and broken, all fight leaving your body. You watched as all your handmaidens and servants ran like chickens around the castle, preparing for the enormous festivities coming in close time. You were a good and proper princes, silently placid and allowing everything around you to happen.

 Flower arrangements, samples of sweets, and  fabrics for your dresses all came to you, and you agreed to all of them or just randomly choose. You could care less for your “special day”- the only thing you could truly hope for was prince Shoto ignoring his father’s wishes and not coming back.

That, of course, was a wishful fantasy. You were having a blissful dream when your hand maiden barged into your room, clearly too excited to be considerate of your sleeping state.

“Miss y/n! Miss y/n! Oh please wake up! There is most wonderful news!” she cried excitedly, gently pulling the covers off your body, “You must get ready at once!”

“Prince Shoto- he is back from his quest!”

---------

The whole of the kingdom rejoiced at the news, since he had arrived a month before the wedding. He was here, ready to marry and unite the kingdom. That was all that truly mattered.

Your handmaiden dressed you in your most elegant gown, the icy aqua color bringing out the rosiness of your cheeks, as she placed pearly ornaments in your hair. You felt like you were being presented as a gift to the Prince, a reminder of what he was destined to do. You sighed, dreading having to reunite with your once friend and secret love.

Shoto was standing in the ballroom of your castle, very accustomed to it since you both played here occasionally as children. He was used to the golden floors and the crystal chandeliers the sizes of boulders, all hung gracefully in a row on the ebony ceiling. Him and his company were standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the polished staircase cascading towards them.

He looked at his new found friend’s faces, their expressions clearly in shock. Izuku, his face ruddy with dirt and his cheeks aflame from nervousness as he twisted his shirt between his fingers (a nervous tick Shoto had noticed).  Uraraka gawked at the room around her in awe, her wide eyes drinking up the scene in front of her. Bakugo was least impressed, his arms crossed in front of his exposed chest and his eyes formed in judgmental slits.

 Shoto had told the others before why he had to go back, but only after the quest was over- he wanted to help his new found friends, and after promising to help them in their battle, he would have felt extremely guilty leaving them behind. 

Their reactions were mixed when he revealed he had a marriage in a few weeks time- Izuku was clearly shocked yet in awe hed be marrying a princess, while Uraraka seemed to find the situation romantic. Bakugo simply laughed, mocking him from being such a “sissy” for actually getting married in the first place.

Shoto was feeling conflicted inside at the moment- it had been so long since he had last seen you, and when he had, he was less than kind to you. He was quiet, distant, and quite petty about the whole situation of your marriage. You had turned barely 17 when he left, his young body desperate for some adventure and resilient to his father’s wishes. He merely saw you as a nuisance, someone in the way of his freedom. He knew it was unkind and unjustified, you didn't know what was going on inside him, but he was angry nevertheless and desperate to leave. So when he was approached by young boy in need of a friend for his quest, it was hard to resist the offer.

But as nights when on and he had time to be alone with his thoughts, his mind always seemed to travel to you. The way you giggled, your laughs sounding like chimes in the wind, or how your smile always seemed to make his skin tingle with warmth.

 You were always a strange girl, but always in the best way, daring Shoto to races even thought your father said it was “unlike a princess to do so” or trying to braid Shoto’s mix-matched hair.

 He would never forget the day he had allowed you to do so, your nimble fingers soft against his skin and making him burn up from nervousness. Your touch was so calming and soothing, your small compliments and soft voice sending his soul soaring with pleasure. It was then he realized he had loved you for you, not because he was forced to.

Shoto felt guilty for forgetting those cherished memories in his fits of anger, but he had agreed to help Izuku and he vowed to not give up on that promimse. Months went on, and Shoto couldnt tell how much time had passed: he only hoped you were doing okay without him. 

It wasnt until his father had came to collect him that he realized how short he was on time. He had still stuck by his friends, yet the constant reminders of your wedding was in the air, haunting him. They would travel through kingdoms, the whispers of this event following him as the townspeople began to talk. It was a wonder his friends never caught on except him, only to find out weeks before your wedding.

Now Shoto was standing in the ballroom, feeling quite nervous- he hadnt seen you in so long….would you look any different? He was certain your beauty had grown by then, the thought of you looking older and more womanly bringing a blush to his cheeks. How would you see him? He had become quite a different person on his quest, his body becoming more hardened from battles with bandits and the harsh life of travelling. Would you feel the same for him still? Were you just as excited as you were so many years ago to finally be together?

Shoto heard the clicks of shoes on the wooden floor, a man with the straightest back he had ever seen standing proudly at the steps of the stairs.The man took a deep breath, his voice traveling through the room as he announced your arrival to the group of travelers. 

Yet Shoto didnt hear a single word he said- he was enraptured by your beauty. You had seemed to turn into a fine young woman since he had last seen you, your curves accentuated by the tightness of your gown, the blue complimenting you perfectly. Your hair flowed in soft ringlets on your back, the pearls in your hair like stars. You were an angel blessed to this planet- an angel he was destined to marry.

The only thing that was worrying him was your expression- he had expected you to seem so much more lively, welcoming the bright smile you would always give him when you saw him. But now, your face was gone of any warmth, looking almost numb to the situation as you looked down at the group.

You traveled down the stairs, hating the way your name sounded in the announcer's voice. This was all so cliche- the Prince comes from a quest, and there is the Princess, simply a prize for his hardwork. A trophy of sorts for doing a good deed. Why did it have to be this why? Why couldnt you feel anything? The world had felt so cold for so long, feeling trapped due to the lack of control you had. Everything had seemed to loose its splendor and color, your vision for weeks turning gray in sadness-

Until you saw him.

The ash blonde boy, his hair unruly and his eyes a bright red like blood. He was clad in strange clothes, like a barbarian, his chest completely open and showcasing his taut muscles. You were intrigued by him- you had only seen likes of him in books and stories you read. He was so different, so menacing, and you wanted to know more. He was the only thing you could focus on, not taking any time to look at the others in the group, including Shoto.

Shoto was the first to reach you, unafraid to approach you like the rest of the group as you reached the bottom of the steps.

“Y/n-” he said, his voice deep and airy, “you look-wonderful.”

You gave him a small smile, but it made his heart sink- you didnt look happy at all. It seemed forced, far from the bright grins you used to send his way all the time.

“As do you, Shoto. You look quite different from when we last saw each other.”

You quickly turned your attention away from him, focusing on his new comrades instead.

 “I assume these are the young heroes that accompanied you on your journey?”

“Y-yes!” the young boy with the unruly green hair stuttered, nervously bowing his head. He was quite adorable in a way, his small stature and freckles dusted on his cheeks giving him a child-like quality (even though he was most likely your age). “My name is Izuku Midoriya!”

You gave a reassuring smile to the young boy, trying to make him feel comfortable.

 “It is wonderful to meet you Izuku.”

You began to walk towards the girl know, her pointy yet colorful hat signaling that she was a light witch, a sorceress who used your powers for good.

The girl shimmied in her dusty boots, clearly as nervous as the boy. She lifted the corners of her cloth dress, bowing slightly. 

“My name is Ochaco Uraraka, your highness,” she smiled sweetly, her cheeks dusted in a pinky glow.

“Ochaco…” you mused over the name, its sound foregin yet light on your tongue, “you are a light witch, I assume?”

“Yes, yes I am!” the girl practically squealed, relief seemingly flooding her face. ‘How did you know?”

You giggled a her amazement at you, completely unaware apparently that she had the most witch-like outfit you had ever seen.

“A lucky guess,” you shrugged your shoulders playfully as you began to walk again, your heart beginning to race as you edged toward the barbarian.

You stopped in front of the man, his stature a head taller than yours. You eyes looked slightly up at him, your cheeks reddening- he was much more handsome up close, his rugged features making you feel breathless. He un-apologetically judged you with his vermilion eyes, looking you up and down with scorn.

Why did you find that so attractive?

“And you are-” 

“My name is Bakugo.” he instantly interrupted you, his voice deep and velevty like syrup, “thats all you need to know.”

“Bakugo?” Your brain searched for any name similar to that, but found none- this boy was definitely a foreigner, most likely from far off lands you could only dream of. You had no idea why he followed Shoto back to the kingdom, but you were happy he did- he was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

“A warrior, I assume by your garments,” you nodded, your eyes trailing to his torso “and by the looks of your scars, an experienced one.”

He scoffed at your observations, his eyes rolling in his sockets.

“For a princess, your eyes wander a damn lot. But yeah- Im hella of a good warrior. Best in the kingdoms.”

You cocked an eyebrow at his language, your cheeks red  by his comment. He was so unapologetic and rude, yet- it was intoxicating to you. 

“I’m glad to here that.”

Shoto was eyeing you sadly the whole time- what was so different between you two? Why did you seem so welcoming to the others but so distant to him? His face began to turn red with fury as he watched you interact with Bakugo, the way Bakugo insulted you so plainly and cockily making him want to yell. He watched as your face had light up for just a moment when you spoke with him, something Shoto didn't get the luxury to experience. 

He also noticed what Bakugo had vocalized- you eyes did wander when you looked at him. Shoto at first tried to rationalize that you were simply being curious, since Bakugo was definitely a strange sight for you, but the way your cheeks blushed and you smiled so warmly at him made him think otherwise.

 What did you see in that barbarian that you didnt with Shoto? 

You looked again at the odd group, taking a deep breath through your lungs.

“I want to congratulate you all for your successful quest,” you began, the lines slightly rehearsed, “and as thanks from my father for bringing back Prince Shoto, he would like to welcome you all for dinner tonight. We  would love to hear all about your journey then,” you then snuck one last look at Bakugo, his eyes boaring into yours. It was making you feel a warmth inside that you had thought long ceased.

You instantly looked down at your hands, your cheeks feeling hot. You knew this was wrong- you shouldn't feel smitten for any other boy, especially this warrior, yet you couldnt help it- you were entranced by his resilience and the freedom he had, something you could only dream of. 

“If youll excuse me, I have - things to attend to. It was a pleasure to see you all” you gave the group a tight smile, turning your back quickly from the group to follow your handmaiden back to your quarters.

Shoto watched you until you were gone, his heart beating painfully. He wished he could run up to you, grab you by your wrist and ask you what was the matter. It was still him, your friend for all those years, and you were still you, his love and his best friend. Were you beginning to forget, like he did? He felt his stomach drop painfully at the idea- he would ask you, tonight. He would figure out what had happened between you two, and fix it.

--------------

You were now at dinner, sitting stiffly as you moved your food around your plate, your tight corset making you feel un-hungry. All night you had been detached and quiet, feeling almost sick by your surroundings. Your father was overly outgoing to the guest,giving you side-eyed glances and trying to enter you in the conversation. You would simply smile and nod, occasionally throwing in a comment before returning to squishing your food between your utensils.

The only time you ever seemed interested was when Bakugo would speak. His comments were all snarky and rude, completely self centered about how strong or intelligent he was.

 He was constantly proving his worth throughout the dinner, taking over the story of their journey when he saw fit, making sure everyone knew he was the most capable one of the group. It was obscene, his remarks, his language, even his personality, but- you were intrigued by it. The only person he had to listen to was himself. It was so intoxicating to watch him talk, to hear what other remarks would leave his mouth. Whenever he spoke, you stood up a little straighter, taking time to take in any information he gave about himself and immortalize it  into your brain.

Shoto had felt awkward the whole meal, not knowing how to gauge your emotions. You seemed so distant, as if a stranger was sitting next to him. He wished he could enter your mind, detangle all the emotions and thoughts that were keeping you from being yourself around him. There was no laughter, no genuine smiles, no happiness came from you. This bothered him- you were usually so cheerful. His nervousness was eating the inside of his stomach, as his mind still couldn't figure out how to approach you after dinner.

“-and the wedding will be a three day celebration, full of festivities,” your father continued boisterously, his voice booming embarrassingly around the room, “Shoto and y/n will be the main attention, of course, over 200 noblemen will see them share vows-”

The sound of your chair pushing away echoed throughout the dining hall, making the whole group look to you. You cleared your throat delicately, a hand resting on your chest.

“Excuse me for my rudeness, but Im feeling- unwell,” you sighed a quick smile.

“Are you alright, do I need to-” the king asked, his eyes full of concern as you shook of his worries.

“Oh no, Im completely fine- just a headache,” you gave a pained smile, “I hope you all enjoy the rest of the meal.”

Shoto watched you walk away, desperate to make sure he knew which way you went in this large castle. He instantly pushed away from the table as well, rising quietly. 

“I- uh-am full, thank you for the meal,” he bowed to the King slightly, placing his napkin on his plate as he rushed out, confusing the group that was left.

Izuku and Ochaco looked at each other, their cheeks red with embarrassment and shock as they looked at Bakugo, who was clearly not bothered by the disturbance. Ochaco then looked at the king, who was clearly confused by the whole ordeal, as an awkward air lay heavy on the table.

Ochaco hastily took a large bite from her plate, filling her mouth with food- “MMMMMM!” she exaggerated, trying to start up conversation again, “I LOVE the ham!” 

------------

Shoto ran around the castle, looking through every corridor and door, searching for you.His head was racing, trying to organize his thoughts in his minds. He needed to figure out how to speak to you- should he act normal, like nothing was wrong? Should he be formal and see how that went? Angry? Upset? He didnt know how to approach you, but he knew he had to do it.

 He finally saw your gown turn an empty hallway, his feet picking up pace. He quickly was able to catch up once he could pin point your location, his hand wrapping around your wrist in order to stop you. 

 You felt slender,cool fingers wrap around your skin, making your body run cold. You instantly jumped by the sudden touch, all breath leaving your body as you turned around quickly.

Your wide eyes met the mix matched orbs of Shoto, a small pang of annoyance filling your body from getting so scared.

“Shoto,” you replied breathlessly, slightly happy though it was only him and not somebody else that had grabbed you.

“I-uh-y/n,” he replied back, his mind going blank.

He let go of your wrists, his hands resting at the side of his body. “I-Im sorry to scare you like that,” he apologized, “I just- wanted to speak to you. If you’ll let me.”

You looked at the boy, his eyes now averting yours, probably from nerves. You decided to listen, turning your body to him. 

“Apology accepted,” you said plainly, “What did you want to speak about?”

Shoto drew a blank- what did he want to talk about? He loved hearing your voice, finally only reserved for him, but yet you seemed preoccupied. Distant. Like you were on another world and not truly there with him.

He stared at you lightly, looking extremely conflicted. “I-I wanted to talk to you about what happened while I was gone.”

“You explained quite plainly what happened on your journey,” you replied, clearly not in the mood to talk, “I applaud you for your bravery, it must have been quite a difficult journey-” you gave him a small bow, your eyes gone of any warmth. “I really must go to bed, Im sorry, but i do feel-”

You began to walk away again, Shoto desperate to keep you near him. He walked in font you, blocking your path.

“You didnt here me correctly-” he changed his wording this time, trying to be as specific as possible. “I want to know what happened to you while I was gone.”

You eyebrows turned down in confusion. “What are you trying to say Shoto?”

He swallowed, trying to clear his dry throat as he licked his lips, conflicted. 

“You seem-different.”

“Its been a year and a half since I last saw you, Shoto,” you reasoned, “of course Ill be different.”

“Yes, but-” he paused, “youre too different. Youre not the same y/n I knew.”

“Why? Because Im not following you around like a love sick puppy?” Annoyance began to bubble inside, feeling attacked by Shoto’s words. “Because I finally got over the fact you didnt love me ? You dont have to pretend Shoto, I know full well you only see me as a nuisance.”

Shock flooded Shoto’s system as your icy words pierced his skin. What happened to you? Yes, he was rude to you before he left, but he didnt feel like that anymore. That was a simple phase, were you going to define him by that?

“I dont see you as a nuisance, y/n.”

“Really?” you scoffed at his words. “then tell me why your father had to go out to find you twice before you finally decided to come back?”

“I made a promise to my friends. I had to finish my quest before-”

“You had a promise to me, Shoto!” you yelled exasperatedly, your heart bursting with hurt. “To your family! To my family! Our people! What was so much more important than that?”

“I was so worried about you Shoto, terrified for you. Those first few months I couldnt think of anything but you.” You were beginning to reveal a lot, too much, but the emotions, the hurt, the anger, was flooding out of you like a broken dam and you couldn't stop it. 

“But then I realized that you didnt care for me. You thought I didn't notice how you gave me the cold shoulder those last few months? How you ignored me,  only gave me quick answers, acted as if I was just a pest following you around? I remembered all of it, and then I realized- you left because of me.”

“You left because of me, didn't you, Shoto?” your voice was harsh and crude like metal, stabbing into Shoto’s conscience.

He stayed silent- how could he say anything back? Your words were making him feel small and foolish- he should have known that you would have noticed his change in demeanor, just as he noticed yours.

You smiled painfully at his silence, feeling a fresh cut of pain slash inside you. “I knew it.”

“Y/n, I-” There was so much he wanted to say, things he wanted to take back. He didnt want this meeting to go like this- with you even more distant to him. Out of all the possible outcomes, this had to be the worst one. 

“Dont even try to backtrack Shoto, I know the truth now,you just confirmed it.”

He knew he was less than kind to you before he left, but know it wasnt like that anymore. Why were you so angry?

“Fine-yes-I left, and it wasnt right,” he admitted, his voice deep, “but Im back. Why are you putting my old self against me now?”

“Because I couldn't for the year and half you were gone! I-I loved you Shoto, and you-”

“You dont love me anymore?” Shoto looked down at you sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. It felt like his heart was breaking in two, the way those words spilled out your mouth so easily making it sting even more.

You swallowed, filling a pit grow in your chest. Everything felt so cold, so empty. This was your best friend- why couldn't you just be nice to him? You thought you had gotten over all this.

“You dont love me-so  why should I love you?” your voice was barely a whisper, cold and empty in the frigid hallway.

Shoto stared down at you, his voice caught in his throat. Did you really believe that? That he didnt love you?You had been friends since children- you really thought all those times, all those days you played together, were all fake? Who even were you?

“I just want you to know,” you spoke, your voice monotone and  icy,” Im not doing this for my father, or your father, or even you. Im doing this for my people and thats it.”

“It” meaning the wedding.

Tears began to prickle your lashline, confusion flooding your numb body as you began to walk away from Shoto- 

you hadnt cried in what seemed like forever. 

Why were you now? 

“Y/n, please, can we just talk-” he tried to reason, harsh with desperation. 

“No.” your voice was plain in its tone that you were done with the conversation.

 “Im just curious Shoto- why did you come back? Because if I had the luxury to have all that freedom, to be free for once- I wouldnt.”

Shoto’s heart felt broken  as he watched you walk away, your dress ruffling as you continued on your path. He felt defeated, confused, even angry- what had happened to you since he had been gone? Did you really hate him that much? What did you mean you had no freedom? More questions flooded his mind than what were answered, but he now knew one thing- you didnt want anything to do with him.

As Shoto’s was returning to his corrdiors sadly, you were lost in thought, just feeling- empty. You didnt feel sad, or angry, or even spitefu anymorel. Just- numb to the world. You could walk for miles and miles it seemed and you wouldnt feel a thing. 

Why was that? Why were so mean to your long lost firend? You should be hugging him from happiness and relief-not meeting him with coldness and hate. 

As you were lost in thought, you didn't even notice yourself running into a person. Your hand instantly reached out, meeting soft yet rough skin. You looked up in confusion ,and your breath hitch- it was the barbairan, his vermilion eyes like rubies as he stared down at you in scorn.

“Oi, watch were your going you damn princess,” he scolded,pushing you off him gently. You stumbled slightly, trying to get your footing right- you had run in to him, you had even touched him. If you were feeling alright, and if the circumstances were different, you could practically squeal. “Youre gonna hurt someone.”

“Did I hurt you?”  

He scoffed at your comment. “Like you could ever hurt me,” his voice was deep and velvety, his comment sending shocwaves into your system. The reply was prideful, yet it could have been- sweet. Kind, in a way in a different light- maybe he meant it like that?

“How do you know that?” you blurted out, a small smirk crawling across your lips.

You just wanted him to talk more, to hear that velvety voice directed towards you- but you were close to flirting with him. What were you doing? What was going on with you? 

One second you were chewing out your life time friend weeks before your wedding, and now you were being smitten with a random man you didn't even know.

He chuckled slightly, his canines glinting. “Your a fucking handful, arentcha?”

He eyed your wobbling feet, as you still were finding your footing slightly.

“You clearly cant walk right-you feeling fine, because Im not gonna be the one who carries you-”

“No, no , Im fine.” you reassured, your cheeks rosy. ‘Thank you for catching me.”

“Youre the one who ran into me.”

“You could have just pushed me off though, you seem like the type to do that,” you gave him a cheeky grin, it disappearing when you heard a slight growl come form him.

“The hell you mean princess?” he was trying to be menacing, but you could tell there was something behind it- he was curious. You loved how he called you “princess”, making it sound like a pet name than  a title.

“Your a lone wolf, are you not? You are strong, independent, free-” you began to list off, your eyes focusing on his, “you follow your own code and beliefs”

“Damn right I do,” he agreed, your heart soaring that he looked so proud of you for describing him so perfectly. “-which is why Im confused as hell that half-and-half prince is allowing himself to get married.”

Ouch.

The small amount of hope that Bakugo seemed to like  you had quickly got destroyed, feeling hurt flood your body. You quickly tried to shake it off, so Bakugo couldn't see it on your face.

“What he even want to talk to you about anyway?” The boy shifted in his stance, his muscles moving with his movements.

You gulped, guilt filling your body- Shoto, the one who had just fought with. You couldnt tell this boy what had happened- that was private, and really, it was embarrassing.

“Just-uh-about-” you stammered, your cheeks red as you searched for a lie.

“Ugh, let me guess, you two were trading spit werent you?” he interrupted in disgust, taking your red cheeks as a sign you two were doing something unholy in the hallway. 

You swallowed, licking your lips as you gave him a tight lipped smile. You were just going to follow along with Bakugo’s line of reasoning- you didnt have any other better ideas. 

 “Y-yep, just- please dont tell anyone?” 

He gave a bitter laugh, his voice booming against your ears. “You guys cant get dirty? I guess that makes sense, since you all our royalty, cant be having any scandals-”

“Do you promise?” you rushed him, now feeling uncomfortable- if anybody heard you and Shoto were kissing in the hallway, and you two were really arguing-

“Yeah, dont worry princess, youre secrets safe with me.” 

You sighed a breath of relief, feeling your heart jump at the smirk the boy sent your way.

“Thank you- I- uh- best be going now,” you stammered, rushing past the warrior, “have a nice night Bakugo.”

You rushed to your room, your heart feeling on fire. Your hands were shaking, your mid racing- all you could think about was that boy. Your world had seemed so dark, until he showed up. His rude responses, his chaotic personality, his snarkiness, that overly prideful speech, his freedom- it was so intoxicating to you. You felt your heart pumping against your chest- you hadn't felt this alive in so long.

You suddenly felt very sick, your head feeling drowsy- maybe you were actually catching something, and thats why you were acting so strange? You were gasping for breath it seemed, your corset making it hard to breath. I felt like something was tightening around your chest, small prods poking into you from the inside- it was a strange sensation, one you did not welcome in the slightest. You stumbled to your bed, holding on to the post as your lungs felt tight with no air, liking something was blocking your passageway. Coughs began to erupt out of you, wracking your body until you finally felt you could breathe. You sucked in a deep breath, welcoming the sweet night air, your chest still feeling tight. You looked down at the ground, trying to slow your stammering heart, until your eyes feel upon something new- a single white petal, resting softly on the ground.

------------

After that night, You became obsessed with this boy, learning bits and pieces from him though conversation you had overheard from Shoto’s friends and workers inside the castle. You learned he was from an extremely far off land, past even the Mountains, which surprised you. He lived alone, and apparently had a dragon as well. He had  gotten in many fights due to his overly prideful personality, which was why he had so many scars decorating his taut body. Your handmaidens seemed to look at him with annoyance, saying he refused to wear anything “civilized” and would plainly cuss them out if they even set foot in his room to clean.

You knew he had a softer side though- he had kept your “secret” safe, right? You heard nothing around the castle about any make-out session or argument between you and Shoto. That little act made you feel special in someway- maybe he had a soft side for you?

Whenever you would feel yourself getting sucked into the sadness of planning your wedding, you’d think of fantasies with that barbarian boy. Him taking you in the middle of night, taking you far away from this place. His hands placed around your waist, that snarky smile looking down at you again.

 Seeing him walk around the castle grew a desperation and love in your body, watching his handsome face stare around the rooms, his voice loud and prideful- you wished he could look your way, acknowledge you again. His vermillion eyes sent fire into your soul whenever you closed his eyes, his face being a beacon of warmth in your life.

Yet that beacon of life was killing you from the inside- every day and every night you fantasized about Bakugo, the sickness taking over you grew worse and worse. The closer you got to your wedding day, the worse it felt, the vines inside you prickling at your soft organs. They were growing, you felt it, as you coughed up more and more petals. 

For a few days you had no idea what was going on, fear striking you as you wondered if you should ask to see a doctor. But you decided to do your own research, scourging through books until you found your sickness: Hanahaki. The the mythical disease for unrequited love. It was quite rare, but it came to the most lonely, delusional, and desperate of lovers.

 It made sense, really- it all started when you talked to Bakugo, after falling in his arms. It hurt he didnt love you back- but why should he? One run-in shouldn't make people fall in love with each other, but somehow it made you. You welcomed the pain alittle, as it was a reminder you still had some feeling other than emptiness inside you. It also terrfiied you- you were supposed to be in love with Shoto, not some barbarian from a far off land you barely spoke to.

  How had this happened, how could you let this happen?

Even if you did tell others you had Hanahaki, they would point the finger at Shoto, calling him cold and callous for not loving you. You were the one who was the cold one, pushing your old friend away. Even if you felt some residue of anger for him, you wouldn't put him through that- he didn't deserve it. You let this disease do its course- if it went away youd be freed, knowing that Bakugo loved you back, and if not- well, you’d figure that out when you got there.

You had barely talked to Shoto or even noticed him since that night, not realizing the amount of worry he felt towards you. Everyday that went by he noticed how sick you looked, your skin paling and you eyes losing any life. Every cough you tried to hold back he noticed and it rang in his ear like a terrible siren- there was something wrong with you.It ate at his insides, his fear of you pushing him away again making him scared to ask what was wrong.

------------

It was now the night before you wedding and you were feeling less than hopeful. You were supposed to be lively and happy, as your father had thrown a party to celebrate the events of the next day, yet you had no energy left in you to dance or socialize. You stayed in a dark corner, trying your best to blend in and not be noticed.

 The coughs were not leaving, and it felt like your chest was being constricted until you could barely breathe. The annoying tickle of a cough was constantly at the back of your throat, as you tried to keep the petals at bay. You were miserable.

“Princess, are you doing alright, you seem a little- pale? Do you need some water, or maybe fresh air,” the young witch Ochaco approached you, her rosy cheeks and bright eyes looking at you.

“Hello, Ochaco,” you greeted, your smile strained, “you know-fresh air would be nice.”

The sweet girl smiled at you, gingerly taking you by the crook of your elbow and out of the ballroom. The fresh air was rather nice, soothing your hurting brain and your sore lungs. You two walked in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind was shifting around, thinking about Shoto and what would happen tomorrow. It hurt too much, though- you still were both not at speaking terms, and now you had to be promised to each other for eternity. The thought made your throat itch even more, and instead, you  switched to own of your many fantasies of Bakugo that brought you some comfort.

“So, how are you feeling? Nervous, excited, scared?” Ochaco asked gingerly

“About what?” you asked, looking at her with curiosity

“Uh,um-your wedding,” she giggled nervously, her cheeks growing red again. 

Oh-you cursed yourself for getting to invested in your fantasy, feeling embarrassed for thinking of Bakugo and not about Shoto.

You really didnt know how to answer her question-You felt yourself dreading it-how could you tell her that? But you didnt want to lie to her- lying to her would be practically evil, like giving a child a promise and not fulfilling it.

“Its expected of me to marry him,” you reasoned out carefully, “Ive been thinking of this day since I was a child.”

She gaped out you in awe. “Really?That early? In your kingdoms is it a tradition to marry from each other’s kingdoms?”

You gave her a wihsful smile. “Actually- no, it isnt. We’re the first ones.”

Her brown bob fluttered against her cheeks, her eyes staring up at you in confusion.

“I-if you dont mind me asking,” she asked nervously, “why is that?”

You sighed, giving her a small smile.

“Its kind of a long story….”

------------

“Long ago our two kingdoms began to quarrel against one another. But that happened years back- we still continued to fight against each other, and quite frankly, we forgot about why. We just knew we hated each other and wanted to see the other fail. My father had always said to me that my mother wished for her children to be born in a peaceful kingdom, yet my father’s pride prevented that from coming true for her.

“Until the day I was born- my mother, sadly, died while giving birth to me. My father now had no queen, and really, no future ruler, since I am a girl and only men can become ruler in my kingdom. In his grief, he began to feel sympathetic, I suppose- he knew King Todoroki had a young boy who was barely turning 4, and my father got an idea. He travelled to his kingdom, and somehow was able to talk King Todoroki into an agreement.” 

“In order to end the suffering of our two kingdoms, Shoto and I would marry once I turn 18, in which would bind our kingdoms forever in peace, with Shoto as ruling over both.”

Ochaco breathed out a large sigh, giving you a conflicted expression.

“So-thats why you two are getting married? Its arranged?”

You looked at her in confusion-“Didnt-Shoto tell you that? I thought Bakugo at least knew-” 

“Bakugo?” Ochaco blinked a few times, clearly puzzled. “Bakugo just thought it was quite, well, wierd Shoto was getting married- Bakugo is just a lone wolf who cant understand love I guess-”

You strangely felt angry at her words- how could she even say that about him? Yes, he was cold and callous at times, but how could she know he couldn't at least love? You knew he had to at least have some way of having feelings for another person, you had to at least hope for that-

“-it must be why he left last night,”

You stopped in your tracks, feeling a ton of bricks pound into your chest. 

“He-he left?

“Um yeah! Something about being ‘bored waiting around for a stupid’- oh my gosh, y/n are you alright!?” 

You were coughing up quite alot, your lungs dry and painful as your heart tore in two. He-he left. Without you. Without even a goodbye. 

After all that daydreaming, all that hope, that dedication to him, hoping he would notice you- he left. He never loved you, and you knew it- you were just so desperate for someone to take you, to teach you how to be free. 

You wanted him to teach you, to see potential in you that you could be just as defiant to the world as him. 

Uraraka wrapped her slender arms around your body, patting your back softly to help you rid your body of whatever had attacked you. It was taking everything in you to not let a single petal fall out, the itching in the back your neck unbearable as your heart beat agonizingly against horribly. 

You felt a few silky petals slip out of your mouth, soft against your dry tongue. Miraculously, Uraraka didn't suspect a thing- most likely from the darkness she couldn't see the disease overtaking you.

You gulped desperately for air, finally getting a hold on your lungs. 

“I-Im fine,” you panted out, raising from the floor on shaky knees. “Thank you”

Urarka gave you a pointed look, clearly not convinced. “Of course, but are you sure? Do you need water, or maybe I should get Shoto-”

“No!” you yelled out, covering your mouth in case of another attack.

You felt a little guilty for yelling at Uraraka so harshly, her wide eyes looking at you in shock-you just couldnt bear seeing Shoto when you were grieving over a lover that was never yours- and apparently dying from it too. 

“No, Im fine, really,” you said more calmly, trying to be reassuring, “lets, just- walk back, if thats okay-”

“Yes of course! Ill walk you to your room, just in case you get sick again-”

You two walked in silence again, you mulling over your broken heart as Uraraka watched you in worry. You two passed the ballroom, everyone seemingly enjoying themselves and not noticing you two as you lead the way to your room. 

You stepped up to the door, your hand grasping the doorknob until you paused, a question entering your mind. You were still confused why Uraraka said she didnt know your marriage was arranged-you would have expected Shoto to have told his group after saying he was getting married. 

Was he embarrassed by it, that he was marrying you?

“You said you were surprised to here our marriage was arranged,” you asked quietly, “Shoto never told you?”

Uraraka shuffled in her pink boots, her shoulder hunched close to her chin.

“He-uh-no,” she breathed out, “he said he made a promise to marry a girl he loved.”

-------------------

Morning. 

Daylight.

Wedding.

You should be feeling happy, excited, optmistic-you had been imagining this day since you were a child. But now, all you could feel was a coldness you couldnt seem to shake off- after your talk with Uraraka last night, you felt so confused.

The person you “loved” had never loved you, leaving you sick and hurt.

The person who did love you, you most likely pushed away to the point where they didnt love you anymore.

You couldnt even understand your emotions yourself. All night your sickness wouldnt leave your poor lungs alone, making you cough uncontrollably all night, the petals piling up around you.

You wouldn't allow anyone to see you in the morning, snatching your wedding dress from your hand maidens and putting in yourself. You fixed yourself up, trying to make yourself look as lively as possible, but it seemed impossible- you felt too empty inside to really put your heart into it.

Another round of coughs attacked your chest, a single petal dribbling out of your mouth, along with a speckle of blood. It dripped on the inner folds of your creamy white dress- easily disguisable if you made sure it was covered- yet it made you begin to cry.

What was going on? Why did you have to do this? Why were you still sick?  

Your knees hit the cold floor, wave after wave of tears and coughs struck your body in a terrible symphony, the petals piling up on your dress. 

You couldnt take it anymore- this sickness was going to have to take you, because you had no energy left to fight it anymore.

You felt a knocking on your door, the sounds harsh against your temple. You sniffled, one last cough feebily spilling out of your bloodied lips.

“Go away-I promise Ill be out soon-” you began sadly, until you heard the door swing open.

You looked up, your face in shock as you did not lock eyes with your handmaiden, but with Shoto’s.

He looked around the floor, noticing the bloody petals, his face completely torn-he knew what was going on.

Shoto stared down at you, his eyes boaring into yours-he knew something was wrong with you. He had came by your room in hopes of fixing your relationship before speaking your vows, working up the courage until he heard you crying. No matter what was between you two, he wouldnt let you go through pain by yourself.

Now he watching you cough up your life, those sickly petals flowing out of you, each one taking a toll on your body.

He gasped out your name, the words like honey as he sat next to you on the floor. You looked so beautiful in that white gown, like an angel from heaven. 

But the paleness of your skin, the bags like bruises under your eyes, the blood on your lips- it all reminded him that you were human, and you were hurting inside. He reached for your hand, his fingers grazing your skin-so cold- but you pulled it away quickly.

“Please, dont Shoto-” you whispered hoarsely, “Im-”

Another wave of coughs wracked at your chest, this time the rasps painful against your chest as the vines squeezed. 

Shoto didnt know what to do- how could he help you? There wasn't anything he could do to help, except watch his best friend and love slowly cough her life away. A few petals cascaded out of your mouth, adding to the piles as you heaved air back into your lungs, your knuckles white.

“How, how could you keep this from me?” he asked sadly, ignoring your pleas and pulling you into his lap.

You felt how warm he was, and realized- he did love you. He had been there for you as a child, and he was here for you now, comforting you in your worst moment.

Your heart felt like it was exploding as tears cascading down your face, salty and warm against your skin.

“How-how could I Shoto?” I shuldnt have been so mean to you,” you sobbed, “Im so sorry, so sorry, this is all my fault-”

“Please, no, dont be sorry,” he said softly, his arms cradling your body, “we both have our own faults. I shouldnt have left you for so long, and Im sorry for that, I-” he gulped, his heart beating harshly against his chest.

“I-I do love you,y/n, I do.”

You picked up your head, forcing yourself to look at him- he was so handsome, his mix matched eyes softly looking down at you- he was still the little boy you knew from a child, though, always so calm and sweet.

“I know, Shoto, I just, I-” you gulped, fighting to keep the coughs and sobs at bay.

He sighed, feeling his heart sink. 

“You loved Bakugo, didnt you? Thats why,” he motioned to the petals, “this is happening to you.”

You gave him a shocked look, your eyes wide and glassy. You forgot how observant Shoto could be- you felt your cheeks grow red, realizing now he must have known by the way you stared so much at Bakugo.

“Was-it that noticebale?”

“Y/n,” he sighed, his chest feeling heavy, “very.”

You giggled at his remark, feeling strange for laughing for once. But Shoto was so abrupt with his words, it always made you laugh at his remarks.

 Shoto’s heart soared at your laugh, the sound like chimes against his ears. It died down, the room quickly feeling closed in again.

“I just dont want to do this. I-I want to be friends again. To figure out who were are, without us being forced to be with each other.” you sighed, your heart rattling against your chest. “ I-I want to be with you and marry you- when we decide. Not my father, or your father- I want to be free to choose.”  

You turned to Shoto, your hands touching his cheek.

“I-I did love you-and I still do-Im just so confused, and trapped, and-”

“You just want to be your own person,” he finished your sentence, his voice so much stronger than yours.

He looked down at you, his face surprisingly smiling.

“I think I may have arranged that,”

You jumped up, your face in shock. “H-how? Tell me!” you squealed, not unilke a child, your eyes wide with anticipation.

Shoto grinned at your face, loving how excited you could get so quickly.

“Do you remember my oldest brother?” he asked

“Of course I remember Natsuo! He was always so kind to me as a child,” you reminenscenced, “but how is he going to help us?”

“Well, as it turns out, I spoke to our fathers and my older brother,” he said, a small grin on his face, “they agreed that my brother could rule both kingdoms in my place. By himself, and my sister will accompany him if he ever needs help.”

You sucked in a lung full of air, unable to believe what you had just heard-

 “So that means-”

“We are free to  do what we want now.” 

You yelled in happiness, happy tears cascading on your face as you wrapped his body around yours, “thank yous” spilling out of your lips.

Shoto hugged you back, smiling sadly- he had to admit, it was hard negotiating that new deal. After the night, that remark of how you didnt feel “free” stayed in his brain, haunting him until he found a solution. Knowing it would make you happy made it worth it- even if that meant you could leave him now. He loved you, but if that meant you could be happy with or without him, he would be content with the knowledge that you were finally able to be your own person.

“You can now be yourself,” he said sadly, his eyes staring down at the floor, “and even if that means you do not love me, I accept it. You dont have to feel guilty.”

You looked at the poor boy, his eyes shaded as his bi-colored locks cascaded onto his foreheads. You felt a warmth fill your chest, the sensation soothing and calming as the tightness in your lungs dissappeared. The tickling in your throat seemed to wane slightly. Your hand found his as his eyes instantly rose to meet yours.

“I wont feel guilty,” you smiled gently, “I want to be free- with you.”

Taggings: (if you want to be added, just shoot me an ask or a reply on this post and Ill add you on to my future fics!)

@freckledoriya​ @orokayagi​ @leeeah-loooser​

[hopeshoodie]

I feel so bad letting this sit for so long, but better late than never I suppose! Thank you to literally everyone who tagged me in this. Literally every time I see these posts it makes me grin like an absolute dope at my phone. This is one of the best fandoms I’ve ever been in. I know I joke that I’m just sitting in my corner making garbage, so thank yall for making the room my corner is in so lovely.

So here’s a shoutout to the people who made my 2020 better. If I’m following you (from my main @hyperspacial because despite being on tumblr for nearly a decade I still hardly know how to run a sideblog) I 100% like you. I’m sorry if I forget to tag people :( Also this is about to be a long ass post- don’t feel obligated to reply or like or whatever just because you’re tagged :P

@garyandhisnan. I just…. I adore you. Highkey would walk to the ends of the earth if you asked. Your writing, your posts, everything is top notch (and you’re an awesome person to boot which like… shouldn’t be allowed). Thank you for letting me rant about American late-stage capitalism and all the other nonsense I flood your inbox with. If yall aren’t following them, go do it now.

@deuchess  

@ariendiel Why you would want to collaborate with me, ME, of all people? Still astounds me. I pinkie promise we’re gonna do it though, and it’s gonna be so good. I’m so excited. But seriously, your fics are some of the only ones that I can keep coming back to. Your writing is *chefs kiss* and your edits/moodboards are literally so pretty. I love your blog and I cherish you, you slut cheat.

@kiki-the-creator same brain saME BRAIN SAME BRAIN how do we have the exact same brain!? Your fics literally are the best thing this fandom has produced- I come up with these half baked concepts, you make them actually good, then I play dollhouse with them over and over again in my head forever :3 That Erikah fic? Literally every Marisol fic you write?? I love them. Also you’re highkey so funny and ugh. Te adoro.

@bubblelaureno you’re literally too good for me. For real. I’m sorry I’m so shitty about keeping up to date with fics and edits, you deserve way more than my shitty memory and my 2 second long attention span. Your blog is literally a beacon of positivity and it’s absurd how much I admire your drive and your analytical way of thinking. This fandom is so lucky to have you.

@codename-mango controversial yet brave opinion- your blog is the best LITG blog on tumblr. Your headcanons, your jokes, your route overviews? All immaculate. Even your reblogs are the best of what everyone else is posting. You’re the only reason I have notes, and I appreciate you sm.

@oneflewoverthecuckoos my comment to mango is controversial only because if not her, then your LITG sideblog for sure. For a ‘Lucas’ blog, the diversity of content and LIs you talk about is refreshing. I fucking love seeing people talk about non-LI characters.

@inthenewblood thank you for letting me bitch about the reddit oml it’s needed. Also having someone to be salty with? A new but not unwelcome experience lmfao

@noahssidechick you are literally so sweet oml I treasure our chats and the pictures of your dogs. You bring such a chill and earnest vibe to the fandom and ugh, I’m so glad to have you.

@fuseboxmusebox I feel like you’re so consistent in the fandom, like you were here when I first joined and you’ll be here after I inevitably lose interest and leave. Your reblogs are top notch, the takes are even topper notch, and it wouldn’t be a ‘litg blogs that made me happy’ list without you.

@crvsh-culture I will never not sing your praises. I love your blog, I love you perspective, I love your vibe. I consider you a friend even though we’ve talked like… once.

@radiantdae your artbreeder edits were the first thing in the fandom that left me genuinely astounded. Like holy shit they were so good. Kassam??? That was a REAL MAN. Obviously the stuff you post now is really good too and your blog is excellent. But tbh when I think of the LITG fandom, the first think I think of is your artbreeder pictures. Also your ‘filipino words that make me think of the islanders’. I still think of that often. 

@therealityofthematteris seeing you in my notes makes me smile every time. That’s basically all, just needed to say it lmao. Also if anyone has almost convinced me to start playing TWC, it’s you and Seliné.

@bellarxse my dash would be dry af without you. Same with TWC- I’m so tempted to play because of your posts (I have it downloaded on my phone but like…. I haven’t finished a single route in Arcana and starting a new thing is overwhelming). But also your prompts are one of the few things that makes me want to write lmfao.

@lahelakoh I feel like I’ve said it before but your posts SEND me oml. The tiktok references, the chaotic energy. Both the taste and the flavour is immaculate.

@kiwi-tai we haven’t talked that much but oml I love your content so much 15/10

@confused-inalltheways-human you’re literally so cool and I think about that Harry fic all the time. Am I ever gonna get around to writing it? Probably not. But it was such a good idea. Also thank you for lighting up my notification.

@oceanatydes you come here, you post literally spectacular content, and then you peace out like bruh I wish I had your mind. I adore your edits, but my favorites are your posts/headcanons.

@voile-de-lune your aesthetic is everything I aspire to be and your headcanons/edits are such a refreshing take on characters that we’ve all gotten so stale with. I still live for that Rahim moodboard you made. Also your headcanons are so fantastic.

@lasswithumor this fandom desperately needs more Carl stans, thank you for doing the lords work. Also I highkey stalk your blog on a regular basis jsjsjsjsjsjs every chat we’ve had has been lovely and ugh, you’re just lovely

@bobbysapron your vibes are literally so immaculate. I know it’s been awhile since we chatted but I highkey adore your content and ugh. You’re such a cool person.

@beebips I feel like you’ve vanished off my dash, but you made up for it with that 3rd chapter of The Other Side of Seventh Ave made up for it.

@nerdferatum I don’t think I’ve ever breathed a word in your direction but oml you’re so sweet and supportive and every time your posts cross my dash I *pleading emoji*

@mrsgaryrennell I’m still agog that we’re mutuals because like… You are so talented. It took me waaaayyy too long to get into Blue and Hazel but now that I have… It’s highkey better than the actual season skskskskss

@kingkassam Like the above, you are waaaayyy too cool to be following me sksksksk. I’ve still got a few edits you had ideas for in the pipeline, and highkey the Kassam icons you requested are my favorite edits I’ve ever made. I live for someone else playing Matchmaker.

@hermitclaw  hello?????? You’re so funny what the FUCK are you doing following me. Ik you don’t post that much anymore, but every LITG you grace us with is a knockout. It feels unreal when you reblog my stuff. Basically the same to @mchamster. Like you’re both so funny and have been in the fandom for so long that it fully feels like royalty whenever yall interact with me.

@ravenadottir I am fully unworthy to even mention your name but oml. Your guides are the only thing that help me retain information about the season, and your recent outfit edits? Oh my god they’re so good. Hope’s especially, with the brightly colored swimsuit, left me absolutely speechless. You’re just above everything in the fandom and I admire that so much. Plus you really don’t have to flex that hard in your fics, and yet-

@smaiihands saving the best for last because you are one of the single most talented people in this fandom. Your art is the strongest life support for the fandom and like I know we haven’t talked in awhile but you’re also such a dope person. So.

And a big shoutout to all the people I follow who I don’t talk to but have nothing but good vibes. I appreciate yall way more than I can articulate: @richhdesire @needsomesorrel @ficticiouspastry @cranesandshipyards @litg-ish @princesslove19060 @fictitiouspastery​  @icedcoffee-please @demons-dogs-and-puns @sparklydinosaurr @mountainmanxoxo  @diamondsdiary @bucket-bill@another-lottie-simp @bobbys-darling @cyn-onlyyou @mikcove @officialpapa-johns @Amaxn @dxncingthroughlife @myfictionalobsessions  @screw-u-vaanu @kittidot @chichiguitarist123 @myfictionalobsessions @Azibear @amelia-w @lilithlibrxa @litghoe @priyas-tiddies @daisybarks @ajs-wife

At this point this post is just a directory of the LITG fandom lmfao but genuinely. Thank every single one of you. 2020 was hard as shit, but I’ve been hyperfixated on LITG for like a year and I treasure your content sm.

[thran-duils]

In My Head

Title: In My Head Summary:  Fem!Reader x AU!Castiel. Set in the apocalypse verse, the reader is at the whim of her angel captor Castiel who has long figured out that some tortures are more effective. Words: 1,497 Warnings (for the fic in entirety): Extreme dub-con, smut, angst

Masterpost

Flipping the page in the worn book, you read on. The leather-bound book was barely holding on to its binding and you handled it like porcelain to prevent from losing one of the last solaces you have left in the world.

“Don't laugh at the spinsters, dear girls, for often very tender, tragic romances are hidden away in the hearts that beat so quietly under the sober gowns, and many silent sacrifices of youth, health, ambition, love itself, make the faded faces beautiful in God's sight. Even the sad, sour sisters should be kindly dealt with, because they have missed the sweetest part of life, if for no other reason.”

This passage in particular was one that stirred emotion deep within you. You were sacrificing quite a lot being here.

Your relaxation was cut short as the sound of heavy footfalls on the hardwood outside the door caused you to freeze. There was no mistaking his presence now that you had become all too acquainted with his mannerisms. He was shifty, but all too predictable just the same.

His voice sounded outside the door, telling the guard outside to take leave. The air shifted as the door swung open behind you, his ominousness bearing down on you even now just by occupying the space.

Closing the door behind him, Castiel – your captor – moved into the room further towards you where you were sitting on the ground in between the bed and your dresser. He stopped at the end of the bed, turning his head to the right, spotting you. His lips curled into the familiar cruel smirk.

“Hmm,” he hummed, facing you fully. “That cannot be as comfortable as lounging on the bed.”

You said nothing, gripping your book protectively.

“Come now,” he snapped his fingers, pivoting on his heel. “I don’t have all day.”

Quickly, you pushed your book beneath the bed, hiding it from view. He of course knew you had it but without it in sight, you believed it better protected from any ‘lesson’ he wanted to impose upon you for any imagined slight.

Standing next to the bed, stealing quick glances at him as he shrugged his jacket off, pulled his gloves off with care, preparing for this latest assault. You had learned awhile ago that fighting him was not an option; it only left you with bruises and him bringing back ‘trophies’ of your friends in retribution for your disobedience. An ear there, a finger, even once an eye of who he claimed belonged to Erik. The deep brown color of the eye matched the friendly eyes Erik possessed and Castiel was cruel enough to do such a thing. Sacrificing your wellbeing to prevent further torture of your friends at your expense was the only way you saw yourself helping anyone anymore. So, you let him do what he liked most: breaking you. Over and over.

Only in a new way than he had started with.

Castiel came toe to toe with you, his bare fingers hooking underneath your chin to tilt your head up to look at him. He was shirtless, his belt undone already.

His lip twitched, staring deep into your eyes. Lightly, feigning politeness, he commented, “It’s been almost a week. Did you miss me at all?”

“No,” you told him firmly. It did no good to lie; he knew the truth. And there were few things that infuriated him more than lying.

Chuckling amused, his fingers slid quickly to grip your jaw tightly, causing you to wince. “My, my, no love lost between us, is there, my sweet?”

You said nothing as he moved his free hand to ghost along your frame, his hand coming to your hip. His hand moved further to cup your ass and you gasped softly as he yanked you to his eagerly awaiting kiss. His kisses held no tenderness behind them, only lust. You were surprised he could feel anything at all. Your dress was pulled away from you, leaving you nude. He laid a few more rough kisses, nipping at your nose as he pulled away.

“Mhm, I daresay I did miss you. The taste of you, the feel of you…” Castiel murmured as he tore his belt off, tossing it aside, his fingers then finding the zipper on his slacks. Bare as you, he was on you again, scooping you up into his arms before tossing you unceremoniously onto your back on the bed. “Your acquiescence is a treasure.”

The bed creaked with his weight as he pressed down onto you, his lips crashing into yours again. His cock brushed your thighs, hardening as he took your bottom lip into his, biting down roughly. You whimpered in pain, much to his pleasure. Pulling away, his eyes were dark.

“So delicate,” he snickered. “I must remember to treat my sweet with care.”

His fingers slipped past your folds, his thumb finding your clit with ease. You feared sometimes now that he knew your body better than you did; he had certainly touched every crevice and crook, physically and mentally.

Castiel was careful then, gentle even. That is what made it all the more worse when you responded to his touch, arching your back as you grew wetter beneath him. He was watching you, a lascivious look painted on his features. He pinched at your nub and you keened; he responded with twitch and a smirk as he basked in controlling your actions.

Angels were supposed to be good, that was what you had always been taught. But it had been all wrong; angels were cruel, domineering. And Castiel was one of the worst. Unfortunately for you, he had not decided to kill you after torturing you for information. He had kept you for himself, finding pleasure in torturing you other ways. Every orgasm was another notch in his bedpost and a kick to your gut whenever you came down from the high.

When you came on his fingers, he pressed his lips to yours, suffocating you with a bruising kiss.

“Well done, my sweet,” he cooed, peppering kisses before pulling away and lining himself up with your entrance.

“Pl—” you tried to beg before crying out as he buried himself in you to the hilt without any build up.

He groaned loudly, fully seated inside you. Adjusting himself, he pressed your legs up, your knees at his sides. Tears stung your eyes, your walls still sensitive as he slowly pulled out, his eyes boring into you as he did so. It got him going to draw any type of emotion out of you, positive or negative.

He slowly built up pressure and speed, hands planted on either side of you. Following his rhythm, you tried to fall away and into the feeling. Another lesson you learned quickly was that he had all the stamina in the world, you could not outlast him. When had you tried to avoid cumming on his cock, he had left you sore for days; it had hurt to sit properly. You had lost count of the times you had trembled beneath him, lost in your pleasure and subsequent over washing shame.

The room was filled with skin slapping against skin, his grunts of effort echoing in your ears. You panted, feeling the coil tighten in your stomach every time his cock brushed your core. Castiel knew, he always knew. His gaze raked over you, your breasts bouncing with each thrust, a wicked smirk on his face.

A choked sob left your throat and your fingers curled into the blankets, knuckles white, as your legs began to shake.

You heard him praise over the roar in your ears, “There you are, my little fledgling.”

Castiel pounded into you, relishing in your climax around him. The pain from his death grip on your hips was barely registered by you as you went limp, shuddering from the continuous waves. He finished inside you with a long, loud groan.

It did not take him long to leave you cold, the air chilling the sweat on your skin.

Slipping back into his clothes, Castiel turned away from you, humming jauntily under his breath.

Adjusting, you pushed yourself off the mattress, moving off of the bed. You wrapped your arms around yourself, waiting for him to turn around again.

When he did, he beamed, “You are so well behaved.” His heels clicked on the hardwood as he approached, closing the space between you. Resting his hands on your shoulders, he peered down his nose at you. “I suppose you have earned that shower.” He gave you a long, soft kiss on your forehead. Against your skin, he breathed, “Wash up. Relax. I do hate leaving but you know I will be back soon, my little fledgling.”

The dark chuckle confirmed what you already knew.

He knew he never truly left you alone. He was always in your head, toying with you even after the door closed behind him. That was his design.

~~~

CASTIEL FOREVER TAGS: @willowing-love @perseusandmedusa @greenappleeyes @afanofmanystuffs @earthtokace @shikaros-blog @marisayouass @splendidcas

[suitcasesandsalamanders]

(dw about the ask, its all good mate)

you know the way that every fandom has that one headcanon about that one character that everyone accepts as canon even though the creators never said anything about it? because i havent really seen one for fantastic beasts.

therefore i believe as a community, we can all mutually agree that tina is a raging bisexual. in this essay i will

also hey! another autistic here 👉👈 ive kinda been stalking your blog for a while, and as an avid tina simp im so so happy someone else is giving her the love she deserves. im also curious if you have any hcs in general :0 personally im a firm believer in sapphic!tina and enby!newt (which i may or may not be writing an essay on why i believe in this lol) and also newt being on the spectrum. as for tina, honestly i didn't really think about it before, but to be honest i think she might be showing a few signs of asd or adhd 😳 anyways im rammmmbliiing so bye! have a good day my comrade <3

hey anon where’s the essay where is it i need it right now.

there’s a lot here so this is def gonna be in my drafts for a bit so i can get to everything here we go.

I THINK TUMBLR LET ME TYPE ON THE ASK YOU CAN IGNORE THAT LOL I CANT REMOVE IT

first and foremost thank you for resending your ask! i’m so used to having things in my drafts that hit delete i’m so used to edit😔

1. i’m so glad you agree that tina is bisexual!!!! once again i thought i was projecting but at the same time if i was i’d hc her as ace too which i don’t. like she just gives off that vibe. it’s the 1920’s she’s wearing pants. you know who would do that? people who are attracted to women and men.

2. i’m very glad to meet someone who loves tina too :D she deserves better and it’s super weird that she gets treated so badly. like right off the top of my head i can think about a certain post. tina haters are cringe and fail. i’m tired of people treating my wife like that🙄

3. as for headcanons i can’t really think of anything of right now mostly because i’m in class and there’s lots of talking. i know i made a hc list for tina awhile back i’ll have to find it bc some of those went hard af

4. YESYEYSYSYEYSYYSS TO ADHD TINA YESSSSSSSSS. i’m diagnosed w both autism/adhd which i did not know was possible. i thought they’d cancel out but nope :( and the idea of tina chilling and then all of a sudden being like ‘if i don’t go run 15 laps i will die someone help’ is so funny. i started hc her w adhd after cog i was like ‘? why is tina going everywhere does she ever sit still. ...wait. i also cannot sit still i am everywhere. she has adhd.’ also her stuggling to read newts letter is also a funny but relatable thought lawl

i’m sorry this ask has taken so long to be answer :’( i also try to take my time to answer so that way you get the best answer!!! also never feel sorry about rambling i ramble so much in here you could feel a novel. anon if you ever wanna talk feel free to keep sending asks or dm me! i love talking with ppl :D love you and i hope ur day is swag

[all-hail-the-witcher]

Idk if your asks are open, but, "I thought I could trust you" with ralbert???? Owo

…okay so….

hello everyone. oh boyyyy

so this fic, well, its a Bit of a train wreck. well, maybe kind of not? but theres a story and im going to tell it anyway.

Once Upon The Beginning Of Last Semester Sometime mikey and i were like “lol lets Finally have an angst off !!” and we had you guys pick prompts and were like okay bet lets Do This. and i came up with this completely wild crazy idea and was like “okay this is going to be Great.” well, spoiler alert, i got a few thousand words in and realized that it was Not what i wanted so i rewrote it and came up with a new plot. and then i got Stuck.

meanwhile, mikey had finished his fic like Weeks before and was like “saph cmon are you gonna finish it?” and i was like “uh maybe yeah” and i tried and failed. and tried and failed again. and then life smacked me in the face for awhile. and then mikey was like “okay im just gonna post mine cause i kinda like it and you post yours when youre ready” and he did. and its very good. and im kind of glad we didnt have a competition cause he could have won.

you can read his fic here (and i recommend that you do cause its some Grade A Mikey Angst) although if your someone who has a fear of someone leaving you because you cannot/will not give them sex i would suggest not

and so. that fic sat in my drive for several months. and then my short story writing teacher was like “you need to submit a 4th short story!!” and i was like “well shit the world is ending and im out of ideas!!” and then i remembered this beauty. in all its glory. half finished. actually less than half finished. it was a mess. a whole disaster. and i left my planning sheet at school, so…

but i hunkered down and i ground out some half decent garbage, complaining the entire time to mikey (thanks for listening to all that by the way) and finally, last night, at 1am, was the proud owner of this.

its not the best thing ive ever written. and its obscenely long. but it is finished. and actually edited. and also turned in to my short story writing teacher but were not going to talk about that. its also vaguely based off of several fall out boy songs. and this prompt. which has been sitting in my ask box for At Least a year. 

its essentially the epitome of This Great British Bakeoff Meme:

so. now that ive essentially written a fic about my fic, i give you This:

_____

Dusted

ship: ralbert

genre: angst no happy ending

warnings: violence, implied and referenced character death, alcohol, unknowingly being drugged, concussions, head injuries, weird hallucination type things, betrayal, loss of mother, anxiety, panic attacks, near death experiences, i think thats everything. also its based off of fall out boy songs. that should tell you everything you need to know.

words: 8108

editing: actually yes !!!

_____

due to the sheer Length i posted this only on ao3 to not clog up peoples dashes and theres a lot of italics and i didnt wanna do it all by hand cause tumblrs dumb okay. (also since its tagged as major character death it shows up with that Potential Adult Content thing. theres no sexy times i promise, ao3s just doin me dirty)

also yeah i made a new ao3 acc, expect more on there in the future

read the monstrosity here

_____

well this has been The Strangest fic posting of mine essentially Ever.

what did you think tho?

comments are always appreciated, hmm to be on the taglist!!!

tag list

@fairly-awkward-trashcan

@sun-kissed-star

@racetrackcook

@ughwaitwhat

@aw-jus-let-em-try​

@voice-foundshoe-lost​

@stopthe-presses

@ridin-in-style

@pinecovewoods​

@i-got-no-clue-what-im-doing​

@getchapapes

@be-more-chill-evan-hansen​

@stellar-alpaca

@saxoph-ella

@smolcanadiankid​

@disney-princess-sized​

@the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog​

@spot-conlon-king-of-brooklyn

@have-we-got-news-for-you

@thatfancyclam

@myidkwhatmynameisblog

@legoflambwrites

@not-a-scab

@albertdasillvaprotectionsquad​

@entschuldigung-bitches

@thebroadwayaesthetic

@tea-and-theater

@seasickdolphin

@auspicioustarantula​

@newsies-of-ny

@mrs-higgins

@spot-me50-papes-deactivated2020

@papesdontsellthemselves

@deathcast-s

@the-poodles-of-pulitzer​

@hopefully-not-the-ghostbusters​

@humanracoon

@irondad-spiderson-duo​

@albert-eats-cookie-cake​

@nico-nat

@localfakeitalian

@carryyourownbanner

@writing-makes-me-antsy

@racetrackyeetgins

@panpervinca

[mcnypieces]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme

fill out & repost ♥  This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK ( They’re missing out )

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK ( It’s subjective )

Are they underrated? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO? ( This is... also subjective. )

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL

How strictly do you follow canon?

     As closely as possible, considering there’s not very much to work with in regards to his canon to begin with. There’s a lot of freedom in picking up any kind of minor canon character. I look mainly to expand on what little is present. I adore fleshing out even the smallest ideas so having something I can comfortably build on is great.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.

     Pica is loyal, beyond anything. Strong, well-built, and never wavering. Regardless of the situation, he is always on task, diligent to the last moment and perhaps longer. Devotion and collected functionality make a grand guardian. Always acts as a pillar; a collected foundation of a man centered around dedicated familial values. Being in contact with stone makes him nigh invincible, granting him not only the protective assimilation but the literal stature and appearance of a stone goliath given enough material. Strategic with respectable swordsmanship, constantly protective of what’s important. He’s nice on the eyes, quiet, and a good listener. There’s order and beauty laced within all that cataclysmic chaos just waiting to be found. 

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).

     Distant, stoic, absolutely terrible with expression that isn’t hateful and violent. Pica is very strict, lacking a sense of humor. His voice is extremely disruptive. The smallest remarks set his short fuse alight and it burns on and on until there’s nothing left. That murderous intent settles for very few things, and getting him to open up is a long, grueling process. He’s self-conscious but in an overbearingly cocky way, in that pride often masks everything genuine. He thinks very highly of himself and looks down on other people constantly. He’s uncooperative, constantly wrapped up in solemn business, and heavily against indirect methods. Abrasiveness is a weapon and he uses it without remorse. Stubbornness and general unwillingness to speak with strangers make attempting to converse with him the equivalent of talking to a wall. Pica is impatience, wrath, and apathy tied together with coarse cobblestone.

What inspired you to rp your muse?

     As odd as it sounds, I found certain parts of Pica relatable in very specific, personal ways. People never took me seriously when I was upset because I was so small ( sometimes they still don’t dskdsks- ). For awhile when I was younger my voice was really deep and hoarse due to adenoid issues. Speaking in general was hard, because breathing was hard. It made me sound very masculine, especially over any kind of voice-only system. Normally adenoids aren’t an issue at that point because they’re vestigial and tend to essentially be shrunk down to nothing. But something ( probably fighting off infections and never shrinking/bad allergies, nobody knows ) blew mine up and they were blocking 3/4ths of my airway for ages without anyone having any idea what was going on until it got bad enough to the point it was obvious something was wrong. I couldn’t have any stuffed animals in my room because it was legitimately dangerous and a lot of my non hypoallergenic stuff had plastic covers on it. Made me really sad. Eventually they were surgically removed, and it cleared up my breathing and in time my voice was relatively normal. Before then, nothing felt worse to me then than struggling to breathe trying to defend myself in tandem with all the emotional stress it brought on me. 

     I was always quiet and distant otherwise, and a lot of people thought I was just weird and unapproachable ( unless you wanted a laugh, anyway ). There were days before I made my small group of good friends I’d just spend sitting under the stairwell up against a wall eating lunch by myself. I’m probably one of the few people that listened to Pica talk for the first time and didn’t immediately burst into laughter. I didn’t completely click with him at that point, but watching that one little thing turn into a running gag constantly coming back to undermine everything else that was amazing about him really set my feelings in stone... pun completely intended. I’ve loved him ever since. That inspiration and adoration has only grown with time.

What keeps your inspiration going?

     Quite a few things. Aside from the constant love pouring from my being, I love looking at highly detailed stonework. It’s beautiful. Scrolling through rolling mountain landscapes, listening to certain songs, daydreaming in between sentences. I never really lose inspiration for Pica. Something new hits me every day in the most mundane tasks. A lot of it does go unshared, but some of it is personal and other times I simply don’t have the energy or reason. Very well I could be brimming with inspiration for him all day and have nowhere really to put it without excess. Getting opportunities to do so really makes me smile, though. It’s amazing how much being invested in a character will keep your inspiration at an all time high even when you’re having a rough time. Sometimes all it takes is just an extra comment from someone else or an occurrence or some kind of image to put you right back on track. For me, seeing any kind of lovely stonework or abandoned, run down places really sets my inspiration for him in motion.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO ( I would hope so! )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO ( I’m always thinking of new ones! )

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO ( It’s been awhile, though... )

Do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES!! / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO 

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO ( Generally speaking, I try to be! )

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?

     Actual criticism, yes. I don’t mind it. At the same time, however, I’m really just here to have a good time ─ as is everybody else. Growing and developing my writing is always a bonus when I’ve the experience here in an environment I’m comfortable with, but critique isn’t exactly something I go hunting for. I’m here to write the characters I love and adore and honestly, sometimes, it’s better to have the freedom to do things as you wish without the worry of receiving it, no matter how well-intended it may be. It’s all chill times and good vibes doing what we enjoy most.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?

     Absolutely! I love randomly being sent things that keep me thinking with any character. I’m always looking for little intricacies and tidbits to really bring them to life. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to think of something appropriate but I always appreciate the brain candy when it comes to new details! It goes without saying that I’ll happily accept anything that gives reason to my constant, aimless musings related to Pica.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?

     Yes and no? I always love hearing other ideas on why someone else’s headcanons differ from my own. For all I know it might be enough to change my mind or, at the very least, give me a different perspective on something I’ve never thought about before. I’m always curious about stuff when it relates to a character I love. As long as they’re not rude about it and we’ve talked to the point it’s not out of the blue, it’s okay. On the other hand, it doesn’t really matter if someone disagrees. We all have our own headcanons and it’s very easy to be respectful about them. Despite what has already been said, there’s a high chance I’m going to keep to my own headcanons as they are regardless, because I put a lot of thought and heart into them. Someone disagreeing with them at face value isn’t going to make me up and throw all that work in the trash just like that.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?

     That’s okay. There are plenty of different ways to interpret a character. People are allowed to like and dislike whatever portrayal they so choose, so long as they’re not bashing anyone outright. I would much prefer that be something that’s kept to oneself, however. It’s very easy to simply ignore something you don’t agree with, and it’s just as easy to be kind about things when expressing your own thoughts in comparison with theirs. Plus, there’s always making your own blog and writing whoever however you please! Someone out there is bound to enjoy whatever portrayal you prefer. ♥

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?

     Not personal, certainly, unless it was somehow directed at me personally. It’s very understandable. There’s a lot of potential present for actual progressing development, but on the surface Pica is very dislike-able. It’s very clear his purpose was to act as a stepping stone for another major character’s development and there wasn’t much left beyond that. Of course it’s always a sad thing being hopelessly attached to a character like that but as an avid lover of what are often viewed as very minor, niche characters, it’s something I’m very much used to. Perhaps not intense hate in every case, per se, but underappreciated. It just so happens that Pica is... not exactly a good person, putting it kindly. But that’s just another reason I love him so much as a character.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?

     Sure! Though chances are I’ve probably already noticed at that point and have been embarrassed about it/fixed it. I’ve probably made many over the years and also not realized it. Most of the time it’s something minor anyway, and a lot of people just naturally read it as it’s supposed to be read. So there’s no trouble!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?

     I’d certainly like to think so! I tend to be very patient and accommodating. I wholeheartedly stand beside the idea that RPing is meant to be fun and enjoyable and not something that causes more stress. People should take their time with things and set their own pace. Being comfortable is part of what makes RP the wonderful hobby that it is. Really that applies to any hobby, but there are many little things that can turn someone away from doing something they love at any given time. There’s nothing that would hurt me more than unintentionally making something someone enjoys a chore for them. I try my best to make sure everyone knows that I’m really just a chill little bun having a good time doting on characters I love. Pica might not be cordial, but I certainly try to be!

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

     🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

tagged by. @tenyxshx ─ thank you flamingo nerd ♥ ilu

[pxppinmolly-archived]

( mean anon ) the fact that molly has a mommy kink is a fact that constantly haunts me and keeps me awake at night. i have a new sleep paralysis demon and it is molly sitting on my goddamn chest talking about how nice her sexual partners have been to their mommy, and for this i will never forgive you.

but really though! i think you're one of my fav rp partners? maybe thats a lil odd to say considering we havent rped much recently ( and you can absolutely blame my muse for that. miranda is a fickle beastie and she stares at the asks youve sent and then decides to wander off to hunt damien for sport or just stare at a wall for several hours ) but youre legit just!! a pal!! and youre one of the few people on here where, even if i dont have a personal horse in the race with a muse, ill still check in on your blogs and see what youve been writing, because you legit just have that kind of talent!! its the rough equivalent of us just sitting silently in the same room, not needing to make conversation, and I LOVE THAT.

hell, i know i followed your molly to begin with bc of your monprom ocs, and i havent regretted it! you put so much thought, effort, and love into your molly, that im taken away every time you refine another little aspect of her, and i love that! even in sillier headcanons or more cursed ones, its the little things that really bring her to life to me, with such a perfect balance between her lighthearted bubbly side, her trauma and the weighter parts of her character, and her viciousness and darker sides that just shows how well-rounded she is and how well all these parts of her come together to make her who she is!

so although i know we dont rly talk much, i am just sitting back here giving you a thumbs up, excited to see what you have planned next!!

Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace Until 2021

INSTEAD OF GOING INTO UR INBOX TO GUSH LIKE I WAS GONNA I WAS

I’MMA DO IT HERE BECAUSE YOWIE!!!!!!!!!

I absolutely 100 percent feel the same way, first and foremost, about the whole like. Us chilling in the same room w/o saying shit but being like. Nods. Thumbs up. Yahoo!!

I ALSO APOLOGIZE for not writing too much with you because Molly tends to also be. Fickle and sometimes shit with Miranda can be VERY HEAVY and so it’s a big fish (ha) to tackle so I take awhile and then forget and get lost in the metaphorical sauce. And with my OCs well - they come and go KSDJF

BUT REGARDLESS? We could never write and I’d STILL be here giving likes and thumbs up with your content because I LOVE the things you give and produce, not just for Miranda but for her family, her kingdom, the world building in general I suppose I should say, and also your muses like Milo and Polly!! You add such  ADEPTH AND DIMENSION to arguably 2-D characters and it’s something I absolutely admire and look up about you with!!

SO with all that said, any sort of praise coming from YOU is always something I take to heart and appreciate SO SO SO MUCH because you are SUCH an excellent writer and character builder. It’s like if God came down and was like “are ya’ winnin’ son ? you’re doing great.” ASOLDKFIJ

also that first bit is gonna get framed and put above my bed <3 thank u

[ritacaroline]

Starshine                Ch. 60     Jimmy Page          Fan Fiction

The band and crew and wives flew out to Germany in mid - November. They had two weeks of dates scheduled in three different cities. Jimmy had made sure 

that Jill would be well taken care of, avoiding any exertion to her body. 

Once landed, they were all driven to the gorgeous hotel. A high quality, high service, glorious old fashioned hotel. Jimmy and Jill had a huge suite, huge living area room. After everyone had gotten comfortable in their rooms, the band and their wives congregated in a huge common area in the main floor of the hotel. They ordered some foods to try along with various types of German beer, to go along with the other alcohol they had brought along. All were sitting around the big table.. It was dimly lit and a touch of spookiness in there. Darkly stained wooden walls with taxidermized animal heads hanging about. Deer, fox, rabbits, wild foul. Gave a light chill to the décor. Some how the subject of ghosts and spirits took over the conversation. A few real life stories were told. All were getting a little spooked. Percy asked Jill what had happened to her parents, since he knew they had passed on when Jill was about 18. She had never mentioned much about the details, but now, she felt more comfortable to share it. She had known them all for about a year now. And there was plenty of closeness. Jill had met Jimmy right after Thanksgiving the year before.

They all tossed back a few brews. She began to explain to the group, that when her mom was still alive, before the accident, Jill and her Mom had an on-going chronic argument. It was about the fact that their mom coddled Jill’s younger sister. Jill complained that her parents were just so lenient and easy to squeeze money from, for her younger sister. Any whim that struck Hannah, their parents would be steps away agreeing to it and ready to fund it. Jill complained that, they were not this same way with herself when growing up and that they needed to change their ways. Needed to harness the open flood of leaking cash from them to Hannah. Her mom argued, “Well, we’re getting older now, and what if we don’t have that many years left. Why not use our money to provide fun for our girl ??“ 

That’s when Jill came out with the sentence she currently regretted . It was :

Jill : Well,…. if you only have a short while left on this planet, then why would you spend your time wrong ?

A day later, Jill received a call telling her that her parents had been killed in a traffic accident. She was in complete anguish. To top it off, her last conversation ended rudely between herself and her mother. No “I love you.” Just snarky comments. 

Jill continued

Jill : Ok. So about 2 months later, I was alone in my apartment. And I was thinking.about the last conversation I had with her. I was reliving it in my mind. I would hear it playing in my head, her part of the words. Then I would speak out loud, my words, reciting my part as best I could remember. 

 Just as I was reliving my last line, I was also sitting down into my chair at the table. So, while saying “do you want to live your last year wrong ?“  At that exact second, I landed into the chair, my hair got entangled on a latch on the door behind me. It yanked my hair so hard that I saw stars from the pain. When I looked at what had grasped my hair, there was actually a tuft of my hair, pulled out, stuck in that door latch. A segment of my hair had been torn right out. And it hurt like hell. My thoughts immediately went to - that was my punishment for saying something mean like that to my mother. Either she personally pulled it, or maybe someone else in the afterlife did. As payback for my rudeness to her.

Clare : Holy moley. You just gave me chills with that one. 

John Paul : Yeah me too. 

Linda : My hair is standing on end.

They were all seated at a long table with bench like seating. 

Jimmy just stared with his mouth partly opened, in awe. With a knitted brow and with troubled intensity.

Jill : Jim ? Are you okay ? 

Jim : (tuning back in to reality, suddenly.)  Oh, …yeah. Yeah. I just never heard you mention that event before. It’s totally intriguing. And especially since you nearly never speak about your parents.

He put his arms around her and held her against himself and kissed her lips and the side of her face.

Jill : I’m aware of that. I don’t like thinking about it. Or talking about it. I just don’t.

Jim : There’s nothing wrong with that angel. Whatever feels right for you.

Jill : Thanks.

Jimmy used his other hand to press her head against him and kept kissing her forehead and side of her face. She loved his sensitivity and caring. She absolutely adored him. He made her feel so protected and loved. 

Percy : Ok then !  Anyone have a funny story ? 

Bonz : At the farm, we have a goat. It’s totally crazy, but this goat has become seriously attached to the dog. The dachshund !! They follow each other around, have become utterly bonded like soulmates. Ginny doesn’t care to mingle with the other goats. It’s a sight to see, so funny, ya know. 

As he continued, Jimmy whispered to Jill, “Babe, do you want to go upstairs, lay down for awhile ?  Or possibly off to sleep for the night, girl ? It’s been a long day for you, my love.”

Jill : Yes, I need to. I’m thankful you’re watching over me. 

Jim : Yes, I’m doing the best I can.

So they said goodnight and headed for the elevator to their suite.

Once in there, he helped her get undressed and into a nightgown. He put her into the bed and covered her with a warm blanket. He got his clothes off and turned the lights off. Only the light from the fire in the fireplace lit the room. He lay down next to her, snuggled up against her, kissing her face. Placed the blankets around himself too. It was so warm and comfortable, they were both fast asleep within moments. 

Next chap 61 :  https://ritacaroline.tumblr.com/post/189118792356/starshine-ch-61-jimmy               

Chapter Index for “Starshine” is located at bottom section of Ch.1 ,  click here :

https://ritacaroline.tumblr.com/post/184383708541/starshine-ch-1-jimmy

Link to “In The Light” - original fan fic -https://ritacaroline.tumblr.com/post/173286165501/in-the-light-jimmy-page-fan-fiction

JimJam Mistresses :      @tremble-and-shake @ledoftherings @gimmeeshelter @adonna1964 @justanotherzosofangirl @starchild0985 @girlofthemoon75 @bonscottintheimpala @12909168 @jjullz @cherryfloyd @tenementcrazylittlefruitcake @save-me-from-the-gallows-pole @marauderofworlds @ultrabitchystudentperfectionus @satanspizzadeliveryguy @misspenylane @catherine0627   @page-daddy  @yerawizardjimmeh @jimmyypagey @magnetacuddles84  @ledxzeppelin   @luvejimmy @how-many-more-times-blog @loveinher-eyess   @miniaturewinnerwonderland @http-jinx   @basementmermaid @crying-over-rock-legends @cherrrywitch @scarletrossetti @miamorjimmypage @jimmypageismylife @pennylane1968 @jlmmypage​  @flappypage​  @gamermattias-blog                                 @generouswitchrebel   @ countcranky  

*Please advise if you would like to be tagged or untagged

[let-it-raines]

Betting on the Bullseye (26/30)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a drunken bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush - if you can call him that - to be her date to her office’s annual fundraising gala for Boston’s Children Shelter. Killian Jones is that celebrity. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost all because of the ridiculousness of the situation. 

What she doesn’t expect is for him to say yes.What she truly doesn’t expect is to actually like the man.

Rating: Mature

A/N: This has turned into one of my favorite stories, so if you guys have to force me to give you the new chapters, don’t be surprised. They’re all just chilling in my documents ❤️

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26

Tag list: @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @artistic-writer @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @notoriouscs

“Have you seen my nude heels?”

“Have I seen you nude?”

“My nude heels.”

“Swan, I have seen you nude. Are you okay? I feel like you should remember things like that.”

He doesn’t hear back from her until suddenly she’s walking out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom with her arms crossed over her chest, already dressed in a red skirt and tucked in white blouse with sleeves that flow from her elbows. He’s not really looking at her elbows.

“Well you’re certainly not nude,” he sighs, thumbing a page of his novel and flipping it over. “That’s only a little disappointing.”

She clicks her tongue before she starts tapping her foot on the ground, her lips continuously parting and closing like she can’t decide just which way she wants to tell him off.

Living with her is the joy of his life.

“I asked if you had seen my nude heels, not if you had seen me nude.”

“Well that makes a hell of a lot more sense.”

“You need to get your hearing checked.”

“My hearing is fine, love. The walls are thick, and you’ve got your music playing. Plus, I was concentrating on this novel. I think the murderer is about to be revealed.”

“Killian, I promise I will listen to you talk about whatever you want when I get home from work, but I’m running late and need these shoes so I don’t look like a bum for my presentation.”

“Alright, alright,” he mumbles, sticking his bookmark on the page and throwing the covers on the bed back so that he can climb out and help her look for her shoes. He probably needs to get ready for today as well, but it’s usually easier to wait for Emma to be mostly ready before he starts moving around in the bathroom. “So the nude ones, then? Your black ones would look nice with your skirt.”

“Ruby borrowed them.”

“Ah,” he sighs, walking into the closet and over to her shelf of shoes to try to look for them. They have to be here. He cleaned the living room yesterday when he was finishing up some of their final touches of unpacking so that they could start decorating for Christmas, and they weren’t in there. It’s a never-ending cycle, but he’s enjoying it. “They’re up at the top with your boots, Swan.”

“What? They are not.”

“They are,” he points out, reaching up to grab them out between two of her riding boots. “You probably just looked over them in your haste.”

“You had to have put them there. I wouldn’t have. It’s up too high.”

“I promise you it wasn’t me.”

“It had to have been you.”

“Fine, we can say it was me if you put the shoes on and stop freaking out about them.”

“Sorry,” she huffs, taking them out of his hands and sliding them onto her feet, using his shoulder to prop herself up. “I’m nervous over this final presentation for the gala next week. It’s so far and above what I do on a daily basis, and I’ll never understand why we didn’t hire an event planner after how well it went last year.”

“Because you cost less.”

“True, but I don’t like that answer.”

“You’re going to do wonderful,” he promises, placing his hands on her hips and pulling her closer so that he can brush his lips against her cheek, letting his nose inhale the flowery scent of her perfume that she’s spritzed on her collarbone. It’s new, and he’s rather fond of it. “You’ll kick arse like you do every time, and then instead of stressing out about it, we can go and enjoy the night.”

“I don’t remember asking you to be my date.”

“I figured it was assumed,” he murmurs against her neck, teasing her with the way she cranes her head to the side to give him more access, the smallest of moans escaping past her red-painted lips. “Though if you want to ask me out again over a video, I’d be okay with that. You can even wear your sweater.”

“I’d only do that if I lost a bet, and I’m smarter than to do that now.”

“How quickly they grow up.”

“You’re – ah – ridiculous.”

“I know,” he whispers before gently biting her neck, pulling back only after he’s gotten a firm squeeze of her arse. “You look beautiful, and you’re going to have a good day today at work. I’m sure of it.”

She reaches up to mess with his hair, pushing it back off of his forehead while her lips are pressed together in a kind smile. “How?”

“I can feel it in my bones.”

“I think that’s the cold weather.”

“Go to work, Swan. I need you to financially support me while I lounge around at home all day.”

“What are you doing today?” she asks as she steps back from him and over to the case where she keeps all of her jewelry, picking up her pearl necklace and clasping it over her neck. “Do you have any plans?”

He does, but he’s not about to tell her all of them.

“I’m going to go to the gym to work out for awhile before running a few errands and coming back here to clean up and to get some more decorations put up. I’ll save the tree for us to do tonight. I might go meet David for lunch.”

“That would be nice. I’m sure you love sitting at his messy desk at the precinct.”

“We go out, thank you very much.”

“I’m sure you do,” she hums, putting an earring in. “Well, have fun. Give him all of my love and invite them and the kids over to lunch one night soon. Like, next Sunday or something.”

“Won’t we be exhausted from the gala?”

She shrugs. “So we invite them over for late lunch or early dinner. This month is super busy with work and the holidays, and I don’t want to let anything slip.”

“You’re not going to.”

“Thanks, KJ. Alright,” she sighs, slapping her hands against her skirt, “how do I look?”

“Beautiful. Go kick some arse.”

The moment Emma leaves the apartment, he quickly gets dressed in some of his gym clothes, pulling on sweatpants and a jacket over his shorts and t-shirt to combat the cold. Emma says it’s not too bad, but he’s not used to this weather yet, not at all, and he knows it’s only going to get worse. He remembers when he came in for the gala last year, in the few times that they were outside, he was freezing. It wasn’t even that cold, the winter chill not nipping at his nose quite yet.

He’s been listening to a few too many Christmas carols.

It’s also been a long time since he lived somewhere with weather like this. England was a bit similar, but it’s been…sixteen years. He’s practically been gone for longer than he lived there.

That’s an odd thing to think about.

It’s a quick drive to the gym now that he has his car here, having had it shipped to Boston instead of driving it across the country, and he spends the next hour running, letting his legs burn and his lungs gasp for air while his entire body drips in sweat. He needs to find a trainer here in town, but it can mostly likely wait until he has to start prepping for Life After, which is so close to what Emma had suggested for the movie title and yet so far. She’d been damn frustrated when he told her the title they were officially going with, but there’s always time for them to change it. They might not require him to train much for it, especially since he’s playing a father who is likely going to spend most of his time indoors grieving, but he never knows.

Plus the script is being written for the next Superman movie, and, well, his suit is indecently tight. It’s not so much about looks for him but for comfort. How he managed to score that roll, he’s got no clue, but damn it if it’s not fun to do it.

That’s his mindset with everything he does if he’s honest with himself, though he does think he’s becoming rather adept at historical and fantasy pieces. He’d like to do something like Highland Waters again.

So he runs and runs and runs until he knows that he has to stop. He doesn’t want his legs to be like jello tomorrow, even when he’ll likely only work on his upper body, so he does eventually stop and head to the showers, letting the cool water rinse him off before he gets dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt, lacing up his boots and pulling a beanie over his head before he pays for a few more hours for parking and walks the seven blocks to David’s precinct, pushing through the double doors and waiting in the lobby as he pulls his phone out.

Killian: I’m in the lobby.

David: Give me ten minutes to finish up this paperwork, and I’ll be right with you.

So he finds a seat in the corner of the lobby, tugging his beanie off and shaking his hair out, letting it dry a bit more as he thumbs through his phone, reviewing the list of jewelry places he’s found and the pictures he’s saved to his phone. It’s been a bit of a covert operation managing to find a ring. He’s only told David and Liam. He thought about telling Mary Margaret, Ruby, and Elsa a million times so that they could help him, but honestly, between the three of them, one of them would definitely let it slip to Emma. They all talk to her so often that he knows it would slip. He and David talk to her as well, but he had to tell someone who lived here. Plus, David already knew from Emma’s birthday dinner.

Lying to Emma is difficult, but there’s no way he could lie to her about reasons for flying back to California to get Elsa or Liam to help him look at rings.

She’d spot the lie in a second with her superpower and uncanny ability to know just when he’s telling the truth and when he’s not.

And she definitely knows him far too well that she’d realize something was up with him. So he doesn’t lie. He simply…leaves things out.

It’s a fine line, especially when Emma has put her trust in him after having others betray that trust, so he doesn’t want to do that, even if this is a good thing. He’s not cheating on her or hiding a family. He’s not doing something to hurt her, and he doesn’t want her to think that he is.

There’s the element of surprise as well. They’ve talked about the future, how they want one, so this won’t be out of the blue, especially with what Anna told him after Thanksgiving. He simply wants to be able to do something romantic for Emma…not that he knows how he’s going to propose yet.

He wants to have this ring in his possession and not need to sneak around Emma. The tenseness in his shoulders will go away, and absolutely everything will be fine. He’s got no bloody clue how people do this. That’s another reason he’s told both Dave and Liam. They’ve both been through the exact same thing, and it seemed to work well for them.

Support in numbers and experience, he guesses.

“You look familiar,” a woman starts, and he startles a bit as he looks up at the older woman sitting across from in, her legs crossed at the ankles as she taps her fingers on the chair’s arm. “Do I know you? Do you work with Lance?”

“I don’t think so, love,” he says, flashing her a smile, “but I do get that a lot. I believe I’ve just got one of those faces. Is Lance your son? Does he work here?”

“My grandson. He’s a forensic analyst. Just started. He’s supposed to take me out to lunch today.”

“That’s sweet of him.”

“He’s a sweet boy. Are you meeting someone for lunch or are you here to file papers or something? Have you gotten yourself in trouble?”

“No,” he laughs, amused by this woman’s concern for him and if he’s gotten on the wrong side of the law, “I haven’t. I’m meeting a friend.”

“For lunch?”

“Aye. I’m taking him to lunch since he’s doing a bit of a favor and helping me with something for my girlfriend.”

He doesn’t know why he’s sharing this, but he figures it can’t hurt to talk to an elderly woman who has absolutely no idea who he is, even if she does recognize him on a certain level. She seems kind, and he realizes that he didn’t ask her what her name is when they started talking. He should have, but he might be able to coast by without it now.

“I should have known a handsome young man like you would have a girlfriend.” He winks at her, making sure to really exaggerate his movements. “Oh, lass, you flatter me, but don’t try to hide your disappointment that I can’t take you out on a date. I can see it written all over your face.”

She throws her head back in laughter, all of the lines on her face scrunching up. “I don’t think my husband would be very happy, but then again, he’s not as handsome as you are.”

“Well, I promise I won’t tell your husband that you said that if you don’t tell my girlfriend that I practically asked another beautiful woman out on a date.” “Oh I don’t know. I think it might be good for George to hear that he needs to be sweeter to me. Is your girlfriend good to you?”

“She’s wonderful,” he gushes, totally amused by the situation he’s found himself in. “I’m actually taking one of her best friends to go with me so that I can find her an engagement ring.”

“Truly?”

“Truly, love,” he promises, reaching over and holding out his hand so that so he can shake hers, figuring now is as good of a time as any to introduce himself since this woman is one of three people in the world who knows that he’s getting engaged (hopefully). “My name is Killian. It’s been a pleasure to meet you.”

“Sarah,” she smiles, squeezing his hand before letting go. “It’s been lovely talking to you. I’ll have to tell Lance to be as kind as you. I hope your bride says yes.”

“Ah now, Sarah, she has to say yes to the question before she’s my bride.”

“With a face like yours, how could she say no?”

“If you keep charming me like that, I’ll be asking you to marry me instead of Emma.”

He smiles at her one last time while she continues to laugh before getting up and walking to the other side of the lobby, waiting by the door that David should be coming out of any second now. He could have stayed talking to Sarah, but he’s a bit anxious to start looking at rings. He does have other things he needs to get done today, decorating included, and he only gets David for an hour and a half. He’ll have to do everything else alone.

The doors swing open three minutes later, David coming out as he shrugs on his jacket, and he flashes him a smile before David pulls him in for a brief hug.

“You ready to do this?”

“I’m ready.”

He almost says “I’m ready, Freddie”, and that’s when he knows that he’s past the point of no return on picking up on Emma’s speech patterns. It’ll only truly be bad when Emma starts calling people lass and love.

Sometimes she calls him “my love.” That makes his heart swell three sizes.

Maybe he is a bit of a sentimental fool.

He doesn’t mind.

When he asks, David fills him in on Mary Margaret and their kids, telling him all about how excited Leo is for the upcoming holidays and sharing far too much information about Brody’s growth and bodily functions, but the man is taking time out of his day to help him find a ring. He can listen to him talk about his kids, even the things that are a little too much information. Dave is simply a proud husband and father, and Killian can only bemoan him a little bit for it all. As long as he doesn’t keep talking about bathroom habits, of course.

There’s only so much he can handle.

Something very obviously gets twisted in one’s mind when they have kids to think that other people want to hear about how often they use the toilet…diaper.

This is not the thought process he should be having right now.

It only takes a few minutes for them to hop on the train and get to Bond and Green. Parking has been hellish lately, so even if they could have taken either of their cars, it takes up too much time to walk to their lots, work their way through traffic, and then find new spots. This is the place he’s most wanted to go to look at rings, and he’s in a hurry to look over it all. There’s one he found online that’s an oval cut with a halo surrounding it (he’s now pretty much an expert in rings now), and he wants to see it.

“Why do I feel like they’re watching us?” David asks him as they peruse the cases, thick glass covering every type of sparkling jewelry that he can think of. There’s an entire case of broaches, and he wonders if people still wear those.

He wonders if they ever.

“Because they are,” he answers simply, his eyes glancing up at the sales assistants watching them before he looks back at a few sapphire rings. “They want to make sure we don’t steal anything.” “I’m a detective.” “They don’t know that.”

“I have on my badge.” “It’s underneath your shirt, Dave,” he laughs, pointing out a diamond ring in the case and ignoring David’s offense that anyone could ever possibly think that he could be a thief. “Do you like this one?”

“It’s nice.”

Nice isn’t what he’s looking for.

He’s known that he was stressed about this whole thing, known it for the weeks that he’s been thinking about that, but he didn’t honestly feel it until right about now with all of these options in front of him and none of them seeming right.

Emma deserves right.

“I don’t think it’s very Emma, though,” he sighs, eyes glancing up again at the saleswoman who’s been following them behind the cases. “Excuse me,” he glances down at her name tag, “Mallory, do you have any like this, with the oval cut, but with a gold band?”

“We have a few that I can bring out from the back if you’d like.”

He curls his lips up into a smile, some of anxieties calming. “I’d like that.”

Mallory nods her head and walks away, disappearing behind a door that he assumes is where they keep the nicer jewels. He imagines that the security in this place is wonderful, but it’s likely smart to keep some things in the back. He really doesn’t know. He’s never bought an engagement ring before. It’s always been earrings or a necklace, and those seem to be a little different than this.

No, those are different than this.

For one, there’s far less security.

For another, there’s far more meaning in an engagement ring.

“You’re vibrating out of your skin, Jones.”

He rolls his eyes at David. How the man romanced Mary Margaret he’ll never know. “I’m excited. I want to find a ring, get it sized and, and then have it with me. Do you think if we don’t find anything today I should think about customization?”

“I think you should look at all of the stores beforehand and then maybe. Do you know when you want to ask Emma? If you keep it a secret for too much longer, she’ll figure it out. She would have been the best detective in the city had she gone that route.”

“Aye, she’d be a hell of a lot better than you,” he agrees, tracing his finger over the glass case at some sapphire earrings he might get Elsa for Christmas. He’s got to get his gifts together as well. It’s difficult when no one says what they want. Maybe he’s bad at gift shopping. “And if I can, sometime before Christmas. I don’t know. It just feels…right. We met this time of year, and I think that’d be nice. Not on Christmas, though. I think it should be a separate day, and I was kind of thinking before my family flew in. I have a feeling Anna would somehow find the ring even though she wasn’t looking, and she’d definitely tell Emma.”

“There’s less than a month until Christmas,” David points out, tapping his fingers before checking his watch. They’ve only been to one place, and they’re nearly out of time.

“I know. I should have started looking back in October, but life was so busy with the move and with all that comes with it. I’m probably crazy for doing all of this.”

“Being crazy and in love are kind of synonymous, but it’s in a good way.”

And there’s a bit of the romantic Dave that likely helped him court Mary Margaret.

“Look at you acting a bit like your wife,” he laughs, his fingers tracing the case a bit more while Mallory continues to take too much time in the back. “That happens more and more every time I see you.”

“I’ve been with Mary Margaret for eight years. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It won’t be weird until she starts being realistic like me.”

He briefly wonders if he and Emma have picked up on each other’s tendencies and speech patterns too quickly, but he brushes it away. It’s not an important thought, and he’s rather fond of Emma telling him “it’s a plan, Stan.” It means she’s happy and willing to play around.

“The world will be ending if there were to ever happen.”

“Alright,” Mallory sighs, walking out the door with a black case of what he assumes are the rings, “so these are all of the ones with the similar oval and pear shapes that you’ve been looking at but with the gold and rose gold bands. I put a few different ones that you might like too.”

“Thank you.” His eyes scan over the box quickly, each ring getting a little of his attention. He definitely likes the gold better, thinks Emma will too, and when his eyes scan over a singular oval cut diamond with a gold band, he knows that’s the one he wants. It’s stunning but it’s simple, and that’s what Emma likes. And somehow he knows just like every cliché that’s ever been written. “Do you think she’ll like this one?” he asks David, pointing to the ring.

“Yeah, I think she will.”

It takes longer than he expects to fill out the paperwork for the ring, and while for a brief moment he considers going to other shops, he’s sure on this one. He’s done enough research to know, and he’s got this gut feeling that he’s planning on trusting. So he fills out the insurance, pays for Emma’s ring (bloody hell is that insane to think about) and the earrings for Elsa, and then makes his appointment to pick it up once they’ve sized it for Emma. It’s all a bit of a blur, which likely shouldn’t happen when he’s in the middle of one of the most important decisions of his life, but David assures him that it’s normal as they leave the store and grab lunch to go since they’ve run out of time. It’s the least that he can do for David coming to help him when he should be working.

After he and David part ways at the precinct, David going back to work and Killian walking to his car still in the garage at the gym, he pulls his phone out to text his brother, knowing that Liam won’t answer a call while at work.

Killian: I’ve bought a ring and will pick it up after it’s sized in a few days. Hope you’re having a good morning!

He stuffs his phone in his pocket and hurries the rest of the way to his car, excitement bubbling over him so that he walks a bit more quickly than usual. Maybe it’s relief, maybe it’s nerves. He really doesn’t know. But as the day goes on, as he goes grocery shopping and picks up dry cleaning (one of his favorite things about living in Boston is the fact that he has more anonymity than California and can do things like picking up his dry cleaning without too much trouble), everything starts to settle. The nervous beating of his heart becomes steady, the erratic tapping of his fingers becomes measured, and he’s able to simply focus on what is ahead of him to do for the day.

And maybe a bit for his entire future.

He’s got to stop watching soap operas during the day.

The rest of his afternoon is spent hanging wreaths on their exterior doors, adding baubles and accents to them to brighten up the plain green. He notices that none of their neighbors have done anything outside, and he wonders if they’ll be the only ones to do it. Then again, they’ve lived in this building for over a month now and despite many efforts, he still hasn’t met anyone who lives on his floor. Maybe they’re not interested in decorating for the holidays. Maybe they don’t celebrate them. It doesn’t matter to him. He’s going to leave the wreath up.

His phone starts ringing in his back pocket, and he quickly pulls it out, sliding his finger across the screen and hitting the speaker button as Liam’s voice booms through. “So you bought a ring? Are you feeling like Gollum?”

“That may very well be the nerdiest joke you’ve ever made.”

“You and I both know that’s not true,” Liam laughs, the gentle thud of a door closing clicking behind him. “All jokes aside, you’ve bought it?”

“I have, so I guess that makes it all pretty official.”

“My baby brother is all grown up.”

He scoffs at Liam’s condescending tone, and even though Liam can’t see him, he rolls his eyes while he shuffles through a box of string lights to find some to put out on the balcony and in the bedroom.

“Is this what finally makes me a man in your outdated ways?”

“Possibly. So how long am I going to have to keep this from my wife? I already deleted your text because somehow she’ll see it from across town.”

“She has superpowers, that woman.”

“And figuring out my lies is the main one.”

“Maybe if you didn’t lie to your wife so much.”

“Oi,” Liam laughs, the sound of a can popping open mixing in with the laughter, “you know what I mean.”

“Aye, I do.” He turns the phone off speaker and presses it between his shoulder and ear before he grabs three boxes of white lights and pushes out onto the balcony door, gooseflesh rising across his arms almost immediately, all of the warmth of inside fading away. “I’ll hopefully have asked before you all come in for Christmas. I’m not…I have no idea how to ask her. I know what I want to say, but I haven’t figured out all of the logistics of it.”

“I’ll let you in on a secret. It’s never going to go like you plan. And your speech, whichever one you have in your head, you’ll remember to say about one sentence out of it.”

“That’s how it went with you and Els, right?”

“Elsa didn’t even let me ask the question.”

“She does like to take charge.”

“You have no idea.”

“Oh God no,” he groans, his eyes scanning the balcony to try to figure out just how he wants to set up the lights. He thinks stringing them around the top of the trellis and down the sides will work since he can’t really hang them on the glass railing. “I love you, but that is not something I’m going to talk about with you.”

“Your mind is dirty, brother.”

“The tone of your voice was absolutely salacious.”

“It was perfectly innocent.”

“I don’t believe you’ve ever been innocent.”

“I am as pure as the driven snow.”

“That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Well, according to you I lie to my wife all the time.”

“Because you do, and you’ll continue to until I ask Emma.”

He’s eternally grateful for a lot of things, but in this moment, there’s nothing he’s more grateful for than the fact that he stopped speaking when he did. He didn’t see Emma come into the apartment through his view from outside, and he definitely didn’t see her make her way outside. She’s already changed into her pajamas, warm flannel and thick socks covering her from head to toe. He has no idea how long she’s been home, but he could have ruined absolutely everything there.

Every cent that he’s worth comes from acting, and he can’t manage to act in his personal life when he really needs to.

“Who’s that?” she mouths, crossing her arms over her chest and walking further toward him.

“Liam,” he says aloud, opening his right arm and letting her come to stand beside him, tugging her close and kissing her temple in greeting. She’s warm, so much warmer than he is. He hasn’t even put the lights up yet.

“Why are you saying my name?” Liam asks, his voice raising in pitch.

“I was telling Emma who I’m on the phone with,” he explains, rubbing his hand up and down her waist. He’s not sure if it’s to warm him or her up.

“Tell him I said hi.”

“Tell her I said hello.”

He chuckles at that, their timing of their demands almost identical. Emma and Liam are two peas in a pod for two people who had a bit of a rocky start. It was all Liam’s doing, but everything seems to be fine now.

“Emma said hello,” he tells Liam, knowing that Emma can likely hear the conversation now. “I’m going to let you go, okay? Text me later. You still haven’t told me what I need to get Aiden for Christmas.”

“Preferably a new aunt.”

He practically drops his phone at that, the glass screen only saved because he does manage to get his bearings. Man does he hope that Emma did not hear that.

She probably couldn’t over all of the hysterical coughing that he’s doing.

Has he officially turned into a madman.

“Bye,” he coughs, not able to get anything else out even with the way that Emma is patting his back.

“Are you okay, KJ?”

“Y-yeah,” he sputters, trying to take a few deep breaths before he looks down at Emma, dipping his head to quickly slide his lips over hers. He can briefly taste chocolate, which means that she stopped for a milkshake on the way home. He’s not sure if that’s a good sign for her day or a bad sign. “Hello, darling,” he mumbles, greeting her properly. “How was your day? How did the presentation go?”

“Can we go inside to talk about it? It’s nothing bad. I’m just really freaking cold and want to sit down on the couch. Besides, I don’t think you’re ever going to get these lights up tonight.”

“I could.”

“You’re not going to.”

He nods before they walk inside, Emma’s steps hurrying until she’s inside first, practically jogging down the hallway to the living room, grabbing a blanket out of the basket and curling up into her favorite corner of the sofa before he even manages to get into the living room. She’s either full of energy or really got that cold in such a short amount of time. Emma should most definitely be used to this weather, but she is cold natured.

“So,” he hums, plopping down on the opposite end of the couch and sticking his feet next to Emma’s legs, “how was your presentation? Did you crush it?”

“Like Fat Amy.”

“Yeah?” he laughs, his eyes crinkling at her reference. He’s so damn proud of her all of the time, but he’s mostly happy that she likely doesn’t feel as much stress as she has been, even if the gala is still a little over a week away. “You’re amazing, Emma.”

“I know.” She winks, but he still sees the blush rise on her cheeks. “But thank you. I’m so damn excited that it’s over. I mean, I’ve still got the actual gala, but I’m only in charge of a little of that. But John and Ella gave the stamp of approval on everything. I’m free, baby.”

“So celebrations are in order then?”

“If by celebration you mean some hot chocolate that you spike with your good rum, then yes.”

“You’re not interested in decorating the tree?”

“Maybe after I’ve had something to drink. And eat. And maybe after a nap. Ooh, and after catching up on Superstore.”

“So never?”

She reaches forward and grabs his toe, wiggling it a little bit. “Later. I promise we’ll decorate later. You know how I feel about Christmas now.”

He does, and they do.

It’s slow going. Emma takes awhile to get up and get her drink, her exhaustion from weeks of stress hitting her the slightest bit, but once she’s had her hot chocolate (rum included) and watched two and a half episodes of Superstore, she gets up off the couch and they start decorating the tree. With the two of them, it doesn’t take long. Really, it’s pretty quick, even if Emma keeps leaving giant spots in the tree without ornaments. But it does get done.

As do the lights out on the balcony, the white glow covering the trellis. It mixes in with all of the lights of their other apartments and some of the boats down below, but really, all he can think about is the fact that if he can manage to get Emma out into the cold again, this would be a nice spot to ask her to marry him.

Then again, if he truly thinks about it, it doesn’t really matter where or how. He thinks it’d be just fine to ask her like they are now, curled up on the couch with Emma’s head resting on a pillow in his lap while he threads his fingers through her hair, lulling them both to sleep with the comfort of it all.

[ain-t-bovvered]

SEASON 14 FINALE

bunch of tired and caffeinated Europeans ( plus a sleepy American) scream together, and then die and try to get on with their day ( lol AS IF)

Hello and welcome:

@purpleskiesandcherrypies  (Nat)

@dean-winchesters-bacon  (Kat)  

@waywardbaby  (Zee)

@ain-t-bovvered  (Giulia)

     * MASTERLIST of season 14 commentary *

CRY WITH US

Giulia: JOHN

Kat: THE FEELS OFF THE BAT

Giulia: OH THERE IT IS

Zee: Carry on.

Zee: Perfect

Giulia: DONT Y CRY NO MOOORE *air drumming*

Zee: Michael pigeon

Kat: AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Giulia: *headbanging*

Nat: You and Michael trapped for eternity wink wink

Giulia: But I flew too hiiiigh

Giulia: I CAN T

Zee: I am Winchester

Giulia: literal chills and also didn’t need to see those fingers again

Nat: ya right

Kat: If I have to see that thing with Nick’s fingers again....

Zee: They’re mocking us

Ok but Jack is fucking scaaaaaary here alright. I don’t like being afraid of my son.

Giulia: Those glowy eyes tho

Nat: ok but that shot is good

Giulia: I HAVE [1] FEAR

Dean *in Jensen JiB10 voice *: we’ve done fucked up

Kat: JACK BABY NO

J: You LIED!

Giulia: OH FUCK

Zee: Jack stop

Nat: FUCKING TANTRUM MAN

Giulia: GREAT OFF TO A GREAT START well at least he didn’t kill them all already. He definitely could have

AAAAAND he flew away.

Nat: Ya, I think I have to leave I have an appointment to shoot myself

Zee: Stay coward

Kat: SIT YOUR ASS DOWN

Giulia: Nat !hold the door for me

Kat: DON’T MAKE ME GET THE ROPE

Zee: I’ll tie you both. Shut up

C: You should never have tried to lock him away.

Giulia: YES TELL HIM CAS

D: You know what? You're right. I never wanted to put him in that damn box. I wanted him dead.

Giulia: NO DEAN

Nat: Dean, you don't mean it babe

Giulia: NO

D: He's dangerous, Cass, and you knew it! You've known it for a long time! But that's okay. You know why? Because me and Sam, we've killed just about everything, there is. And this -- Jack -- oh, we'll find a way. Because he's just another monster.

Zee: Dads fighting

C: You don't mean that.

D: The hell I don't.

Giulia: THE TENSION *licking lips*

#PRAYFORSAM

                          #PRAYFORME

SOUL BOMB

Giulia: NO BAD IDEA

Nat: YOU SHUSH YOUR MOUTH

Giulia: i mean good idea BUT BAD

S: Okay.

D: Sam, I know this isn't easy, okay? He -- I know how much he meant to you. He meant a lot to me. He was family.

Nat: I wanna cry, Sammy, let me hold ya

Giulia: we are gonna do the ugly thing

Zee: Sam’s face gonna stay like that forever

Giulia: Of course it’s not the first time

Kat: If I’ve said it once I’ll say it again. Jared’s acting is A+ this season

Giulia: This doesn’t look good

Kat: Oh jack

Zee: Oh hello

Kat: No babe

Nat: My god but Jack needs to be contained. Someone should show him the waaaaaaay

Giulia: SNORTS i read that in Jared’s dumb voice

Nat: I WROTE THAT IN JARED'S DUMB VOICE SO

S: She thinks it's dangerous and insane.

well she right

*Sam aggressively getting out the car*

Zee: Nerds

S: Takes one to know one.

Giulia: WE VE BEEN KNEW. DEAN’S A NERD

D: Okay. All right, yeah. But I'm nothing like these, uh, you know, gaggle of Zuckerbergs.

Kat: The cutest little nerd

Sammy...my smart baby

Nat: Yeah, but I'm not...uh..

Dean with his charming smile on

D: Hi. I'm Dean Winchester, and I'm looking for the devil's son.

Giulia: AHAHAH

Zee: What?

Giulia: oooh

Nat: OH NO

Giulia: Right

Nat: He can't lie

Nat: BUAHAHHAHAHA AWKWARD BEAN Oh my god

Giulia: Oh wow Jack should have done that at the starts of the season

D: I meant [Clears throat] I'm Dean Winchester, and I'm looking for the devil's son. This badge is fake.

Giulia: AHAHAHAHAHA WHAT

Kat: D Y I N G

S: Well, it's like you said. [Chuckles] It's Celine Dion. I mean Celine Dion. It's Celi-- [ Stammers ] Dean, every time I try and say "Elvis,"  it comes out --

Zee: Sad horrible truth

Nat: Imagine that happening

Giulia: Das me

Kat: The I hate everyone guy is me

Nat: I HATE EVERYONE.  I feel that dude

Giulia: Meaning this

Nat: OH MY GOD DIG AT TRUMP.  I AM LIVING

Giulia: That thing needs to happen tho

Kat: Dying over the Trump part

Giulia: Trump soul deal CONFIRMED

Misha wrote this part

Giulia: BECAUSE Y ALL LIED TO HIM

Nat: Also why are they both so pretty

Zee: Stapler queen

Giulia: I AM THE [CENSORED]

Zee: What is Cas doing ??!!!

Giulia: oh the cage

Nat: I'm just like...crying in my coffee now

Giulia: GASPS

Zee: Chuck!!!!

I love Rob with all my heart.

Nat: Ya, now you show up huh

Zee: About fucking time

Kat: 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

C be like......heLLo fAtHEr

Giulia: No jack

Nat: Ah babe no why you go to your grandma

C: God

G: .....EH

C: Chuck

.G: There you go.

Giulia: Hi chuck bb

C: How are You here?

G: You called me?

Giulia: OH SHUT UP NOW U ANSWER

Nat: Jack's a problem. YA THINK

Zee: He’s a problem. Ya think?

Giulia: Ooooh that’s bad

Cass is like .... *protective father activated*

Nat: Oh no, don't tell him

Zee: Puppy eyed jack

Zee: Bad eyed jack

D: When people can't lie, the Internet gets real quiet.

Dean Winchester ep. 14x20

D: yeah, guess your life isn't so perfect after all, EightPackMommy.

S: What?

D: Yeah, she's got this blog. Yeah, you know what? Your kids aren't that cute. And that gluten-free popover looks like crap because there's no gluten in it. [ Chuckling ] You know what I mean?  I'll stop talking.

Kat: Dean’s an insta stalker lol

Giulia: AHAHAH

Zee: Jesus

Nat: My god Dean, stop talking

Zee: Three yoghurts. Seems legit

Nat: I just wanna be loved.  I feel that too

Giulia: That crying lady. Das me

Kat: I change my answer, that’s me lol

G: You see, this is why people need to lie. Keeps the peace, you know

C: Seems like an odd stance for...you.

G: I'm a writer. Lying's kind of what we do.

Cass, having none of it : SAM!? DEAN?!

Giulia: I WANNA SEE DEAN INTERNET CHRONOLOGY

Nat: What's a dad bod

Nat: how to remember what i did last night

Kat: Porn

Giulia: what’s Bi

Nat: hot chicks in kansas

Nat: hot men in kansas

Nat: hot pie in kansas

Giulia: hot in kansas

*God casually walking in*

Dean : adwbrgoidqifhowhdiahf whet

G: HEY GUYS

Sam: adhouehfwoihegwpirhgjsadjaijd

G: I know what you're thinking - it's been awhile, and I still look pretty good.

S: No, that's -- that's not what we were thinking.

Giulia: YAS DEAN! 

a sec later 

….OH

Nat: NO NOT THE GUITAR

Kat: I bet Jensen has fun doing that

Giulia: damn Chuck chill

Dean mentally: I REGRET EVERYTHING, BUT ALSO NOT

G: So.....how’s things?

Sam, Cass, and Dean: MAJOR BITCHFACE

Kat: Ugh Chuck SHUT UP

Giulia: WE ALL HAVE QUESTION BITCH. CHUCK U FUCK

G: I built the sandbox -- you play in it.

Zee: How bad do they want to sucker punch him?

G: You want to go up against -- what was it? -- the "British Men of Letters"? Okay. Little weak, but okay.

Giulia: Little weak but ok

Nat: I totally read suck and punch him

Giulia: Chuuuck my fucking god

Zee: And the other apocalypse

Giulia: Oh that’s when he steps in

Kat: Jensen’s fucking model face

Zee: Accurate

Nat: The world kinda went insane... ya think?

Giulia: WHAT

Kat: Queen is a lizard I knew it

Zee: Baffled moose

Nat: "I'm god Sam"

Giulia: I M TIRED OF PEOPLE SNAPPING FINGERS

Nat: So he could actually fix jack too  If he wants to

Giulia: i wanna punch god

Kat: I’m having such a hard time rn. I need to leave ( giulia: this bitch already knew just fyi)

Nat: Dean stop pouting, you are distracting me

G: Not really....but you can

Dean is like....what the fuck ?

Zee: Dean needs to shut his face

Giulia&Zee: What The fuck

Kat: Pretty gun

Giulia: GOD U NERD

Zee&Nat: Equalizer

Nat: The hammer what

Giulia: TIME

Zee&Kat: Hammurabi

S: So you've had this the whole time and -- and we're just now getting it?

Giulia: sam asking the right questions

G: I just made that sucker.

S: So you don't even know if it works.

G: If I say it'll work, it'll work.

Kat: Eye for an eye ( edit notes 24th May....you fucker, I just now noticed)

Nat: Hey, can I punch god? Am I allowed to punch god?

Giulia: Oh i don’t like it

Nat: It doesn't use bullets

Sam is so done

Giulia: I really don t like it. Let me guess, Someone has to die

Nat: Dean, shut your fucking face

Listen...Cas should have understood that ok?

Kat: I swear they made them dumber

G: Uh, whatever happens to the person you're aiming at also happens to you.

Giulia: ...there it is

Kat: Eye for a fucking eye

Nat: NO

Nat: I MEAN OF COURSE DEAN WANTS TO DO IT

C: I don't understand why we're talking about killing Jack.Y-You can fix him.You can -- You can restore his soul.That's why I called you.

Giulia: CAS ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

S: You're God.

Nat: I MEAN WHY ARE WE EVEN WATCHING

G: I mean, after what he did?

ooooh Chuck you bitch , don’t use mama Winchester come on , that’s low

Kat: Fuck you Chuck

Giulia: why is everything that complicated.

Giulia: CASS BABE

Nat: DON'T INTERRUPT YOUR BOYFRIEND. DEAN SHUT UP

Zee: Cas is beyond pissed

C: And Billie said the only way to defeat Michael was to lock you in a box

Giulia: DEAN NO. oooh cass is pissed

D: Now, I know you don't like it, and I don't really care. 'Cause you just heard it from God Himself that this is the only thing that can kill Jack,

Zee: Grounds for divorce

D: so either get on board or walk away.

Cas walks away.

me: YOU ARE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

Kat: The fucking smirk

Giulia: What’s that face Chuck tho?

Nat: No, I mean, do we really have another death as a cliff hanger

Kat: 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐

Zee: Of fucking course

Giulia: I FUCKING KNOW  i mean must mean something

Kat: I could spoil but I won’t

Kat: BRO TALK

S: This is where you tell me you're gonna pull the trigger?

Giulia: Thanks dean we knew

D: Yeah, it is.

Nat: Sam, did you think that Dean wouldn't do it? I mean, come on you were in the last 14 seasons too

D: He killed our mom.

Giulia: OH BOO HOO

Giulia: dean come on

Zee: Rational Sam

S: But, Dean, we haven't even tried to save him.

D: He actually blamed Mom for what happened.

S: He doesn't have a soul.

Giulia: Thank u sam

S: I'm the one who brought him back, and I brought him back because he's family.And then he came back, and he burned his soul off to save us 

--you and me.And now what? You.. Now you -- you want my permission? [ Stammers ] You want me to say I'm cool with losing him and losing you all at once? 'Cause I can't do that. I won't say that, 'cause I... No. I've already lost too much.

Giulia: HE DID THAT. SAM...BABY, I’M SO PROUD OF YOU.

Nat: Hey, why do we let ourselves get hurt all the time when we actually know that Dean's going to wanna go through with it

Giulia: why does it feel like Dean is a fucking train going straight and not looking at anything else? Because we know it’s wrong, and we know dean knows it ‘s wrong

We know that dean knows that he knows it's wrong but he won't accept that he knows that it's wrong

Zee: Have you been watching this show bb?

Nat: No, I think I've never watched it

Giulia: What’s a supernatural?

Cas angry af

Giulia: not gonna lie, got a little sweaty there

Giulia: Look at cas hugging his boi with no hesitations

Kat: Ugh back to Chuck

Zee: Is that really chuck tho?

Giulia: U know? Got a feeling too

Nat: Ya, I think it's not Chuck, honestly

Nat: It's all kinda wrong

Giulia: Feels that way

Kat: Ugh I wanna scream at y’all

Nat: It's probably the empty. i don't know

Kat: I am actually screaming at y’all, just not typing it out

Nat: or an evil version of god

Nat: Chuck wouldn't sacrifice Jack and a Winchester

Giulia: Chuck god damn it ( later note: LITERALLY)

Nat: Anyway, anything to keep Sam safe, right?

G: One's in reverse. In one, there's no yellow. One -- One of them's just all squirrels.

Giulia: But I wanna see all their versions tho

S: So, Michael said that you create these worlds and you just toss them away like failed versions of some book.

G: And you believe him?

S: Was he lying? Is that what you're doing to us?

G: you and your brother, of all the Sams and Deans in all the multiverse, you're my favorite. You're just so interesting.

Sam is like .....that’s creepy

J: I used to hate myself for it. But I don't feel that way anymore.

Giulia: Can I hug my son ??????

J: I don't feel anything.

Giulia: LET ME HUG HIM

Nat: Aw bb didn't kill his grandma

Giulia: Thank god he didn’t kill her. Oh wow

Zee: One type of Winchester pain is not enough for you ?

Kat: All this Sammy-ness

S:  Do you watch us? When you're not here, are -- are you... watching us?

G: I mean, you're my favorite show.

Giulia&Zee: I MEAN SAME

S: Why, when the chips are down, when the world is -- is failing, why does it always

Zee&Giulia: You’re my guys

Giulia: Ooh Sam I love sam this season ok

Zee: Scared god

Kat: So damn good

Nat: I WANNA PUNCH CHUCK SO BAD LET ME PUNCH CHUCK

Giulia: This

Zee: Get in line

Kat: YOU JUST FUCKING WAIT

Giulia: I’m coming with u

Kat: EVERYONE BEHIND ME OKAY . NOT HELPING KAT I GET FIRST CRACK I’M NOT TRYING TO

Giulia: Please give Jack his soul back sobs

J: All I ever wanted was to be good.

Giulia: OH NO

C: We just need time to fix this. We need to go somewhere safe, somewhere where no one can find us.

CATCH ME SOBBING BECASUE CASTIEL LOVES THIS BOY SO MUCH

Zee: Misha ffs. Shut your face

[ an angry Dean appears]

Zee: Oh perfect

Nat: Ya, sure boyfriend has a tracker on yo phone cas

D: Cass, step aside.

Giulia: I DON T LIKE THIS. hate this HATE THIS

Cas putting himself in front of the most powerful being. LOL SOBS

Zee: Detest

C: RUN

Giulia: HATED THAT TOO

Nat: WTF

Giulia: dean no

Nat: DEAN

Giulia: Oooh he so doesn't t wanna do that. HATE THIIIIS

Nat: not like that

Giulia: my heart I can t breathe

Nat: That back tho. SHUT UP NAT

Giulia: Those thighs tho. SHUT UP GIULIA

WHAT IS THIS STRESSFUL MUSIC

Nat: SAMMY

Giulia: HELP  LET ME BREATHE

Nat: MY GOD

Kat: RUN SAMMY RUN

Giulia: NO HALPP I CAN T

J: I understand.

D: *Eye twitch*

Nat: DEAN YOU HEAR HIM YOU JUST STOP

Giulia: MY HEART IS POUNDING

Zee: Mine stopped

*wild God appears*

Giulia: SHUT UP JACK

Oooooh Dean is so conflicted

Kat: CHUCK SHUT YOUR FACE

S: You're enjoying this.

Giulia: SHOOT CHUCK

G: shhh

Kat: HIS FAVE SHOW

Nat: Chuck's enjoying this

Giulia: MY GOOOOD

Nat: fucking hell

Giulia: SHOOT CHUCK

Nat: OH MY GOD I FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE

Kat: THE TEARS IN DEANS EYES

Nat: BREATHE NAT BREATHE

Giulia: WHAT IS BREATH

Question....What the fuck is Castiel doing anyway???? WHERE HE AT?

Nat: I THINK I STOPPED BREATHING

Kat: BREATHE BABE

Giulia: OH THANK GOD

Nat: OMG I'M CRYING

Oh there , Cas is back

Giulia: OH CHUCK

Kat: GET READY TO SCREAM

G: No! Pick it up

Zee: Wtf?

Giulia: no NO WHAT

Nat: WHAT

Giulia: OH COME ON

Nat: WHAT?

Giulia: OOOF COURSEEE

Nat: CHUCK

Kat: CHUCK IS THE FUCKING WORST OKAY

Giulia: THE BOOKS

Nat: NO YOU FUCKING PRICK

Giulia: snorts CHUCK WTF

D: The hell, Chuck?

G: This isn't how the story is supposed to end. Lookit, the -- the -- the gathering storm, the gun, the -- the father killing his own son.This is Abraham and Isaac. This is epic!

Nat: NO OFFENSE? OH HE SAID THE WRONG THING NOW

Zee: Can’t process

G: So pick up the gun. Pick it up...pull the trigger...and I'll bring her back.Your mom.

Giulia: CHUCK NO U BITCH

Nat: WHAT

Zee: WHAT?

D: No. My mom was my hero. And I miss her, and I will miss her every second of my life, but she would not want this.

Giulia: OH THANK U DEAN

Kat: DEANS BETTER THAN THAT YALL

Nat: HEY, SOMEONE FUCKING SHOOT CHUCK OR I'LL DO IT

Zee: CHUCK IS SUCH A BITCH

D: And it's not like you even really care.

Giulia: YES DEAN

Giulia: This is really biblical tho

Nat: It's like the Truman show

S: Just sitting back and watching us suffer so we can do this over and over and over again -- fighting, losing people we love? When does it end? Tell me.

Giulia: YAS SAM

Giulia: Yas you go

D: 'Cause this --this isn't just a story.It's our lives! So God or no God,you go to hell.

Nat: TELL HIM BB

Oh hey....God chuckling never looked scarier

Giulia: NO

Kat: AND THERE'S THE SCREAMS

Giulia: NOOOO

Nat: NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Giulia: WHAT THE FUCJ

Nat: WHAT

Giulia: GEOWNDNSKCJA FHSISNDBSKAL JACK

Nat: SHIT

Giulia: N

Kat: SAMMY BABY NO

Giulia: NO SAM

Nat: OSHGOIEWAHGOIEHGPOIEWHGLIRHGLFDNLKDNGLKSNGLDSNGLKDSNSD

Kat: ALSO YES

Nat: DSLNFLISAGLDSNGLISANGLSNGLSNGLDS

Giulia: OH THANK

G: Story's over. Welcome to The End

Kat: HERE IT COMES

Giulia: NO

Zee: WHAT?

Kat: PEOVOWOGOGOAOFGOOAVKELKskv

Nat: YOU DONT FUCKING DARE

Kat: FINALLY YALL BITCHES GONNA SEE

Nat: NLDSKNSLKDNFLSNFLSDFSIEJIESJFLSKFD

Giulia: SINCE WHEN CHUCK IS SUCH A DICK

Nat: LSNGLISNLKDSNLKSANFELIEWFSKNFLKDSNGLKDSNF

Giulia: JACK

Nat:SDLHOIDSHOEWHRLWNVLKDSNVLKDSANGLSIDHOIHGODSHFSLNHFLDS

Giulia: JAAACK I CAN T

Zee: What the fuck is going on??

Nat: I CAN NOT ENGLISH

Giulia: CAS’ FACE.....I CAN’T STAND IT

C: He's a writer. Writers lie.

Kat: WRITERS LIE

Giulia: HATE THAT

Nat: WRITERS LIE

Giulia: NO

Nat: WHAT NO

Giulia: PLEASE

Nat: JACK

Kat: JUST WAIT FOR THIS SHOT

Nat: NOOOOOOO

Giulia: MY BABY

Zee: This hurts

Kat: THROUGH THE DAMN EYE

CRY WITH SOME SOUNDTRACK

Giulia: WHAT THE FUCK

Nat: FUCK NO

Nat: WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG

Giulia: THIS SONG

Nat: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH SPN

Giulia: WHY IN THE EMPTY

Kat: THE MUSIC ID FUCKIG PERFECT

Giulia: NO

Zee: Can they stop with the song?

Nat: HE'S IN THE EMPTYYYYYYY

Giulia: THAT IS CREEPY

Kat: BILLIE

B: We should talk

Giulia: WHAT

Kat: WAIT WAIT WAIT

Nat: OH

Giulia: IM SORRY WHAT

Nat: She doens't want Jack to stay ded

Kat: WPOGLWOVOAOFKWKSKFLEOVOEKVKWLOGOGKSKC

Nat: I like Billie

Giulia: THE FUCK IS THIS

Zee: What?

Nat: what happens . Souls from Hell

Giulia: GOD WAS NEVER ON YOUR SIDE

Kat: JUST YOU SEE

Giulia: IS THAT THE ONE FROM THE FORST EP

Kat: WOMAN IN WHITE

Nat: It starts all over again

Giulia: FUCK

Kat: THE CLOWN

Giulia: NO GACY

Kat: BLOODY MARY

Nat: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Giulia: OH FFS

Giulia: JFC

Giulia: JESUS

Giulia: FUCKING

Giulia: CHRIST

Kat: EVERYTHING THEY EVER KILLED IS BACK

Nat: EVERYTHING'S JUST A GAME FOR CHUCK AND I HATE HIM

Giulia: CHUCK U FUCKING ASSHOLE

Kat: SEE I TOLD YALL CHUCK IS THE WORST

Giulia: WELL THIS IS FUCKING CREEPY MY GOD

Kat: THEY DONE MADE GOD THE ULTIMATE BADDIE FOR THE LAST SEASON

Giulia: IRON. Grab all the fucking IRON

Nat: But to kill them all again they would need more than one more seasons tho

Nat: I MEAN...

Giulia: LOVE IT

Kat: Nah they just going to have to do something epic

Giulia: GOD WAS NEVER ON YOUR SIDE

Zee: Appropriate

Nat: they can shove epic in their ass

I

STAN

TFW

Kat: PERFECTION

                      [ after credits comments]

Giulia: WHAT WAS THAAAAAT

Giulia: OOOH GUYS

Zee: Thanks Satan

Nat: YA ......SO

Kat: See not so much crying as just being mad af

Nat: WELL

Giulia: APOCALYPSE WORLD 2k19. IS THERE GOING TO BE APOCALYPSE AGAIN BECAUSE IM HERE FOR IT

Kat: WE DON’T KNOW

Nat: Alright me has to work I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO WITH MY FEELINGS THO

Giulia: GOOD LUCK

Kat: NNNNOOOO SCREAM WITH US

Giulia: DON T STEAL YOGURTS

Kat: OR STAPLERS

Zee: How can y’all still write ??

Nat: I'M THE KWEEN OF STAPLERS

Zee: This was all kinds of fucked up

Kat: Because I’ve been processing for hours

Nat: Good luck with your day babes

Giulia: Ya know imma make that gif with little dean heads and the caption: [CENSORED]

Kat: Can you put my head on hers lol

Giulia: No imma put [CENSORED]

Giulia: That song is gonna be on repeat till next season tho

Kat: But but

Giulia: Because it’s the fucking truth

Zee: Salty this early?

Giulia: And honestly ...that chuck was weird tho I didn’t like him

Zee: Agree

Giulia: That’s why I thought he was not OUR chuck. I’m not that mad at Dean anyway. He did good. Baby….you did good.

Kat: He’s finally showing his true nature

Giulia: But Sam and Cas have my ass ok. Good fucking morning writers. This season I mean. Yeah we all know D. E. A. N. But this season they wrote Sam and Cas in a real emotional way and i can t. Like not just supports to dean character but their own. Loved it

Zee: Who has the rest of you ?

Giulia: Myself. I’m my own woman

Zee: Perfect.

Giulia: And I must say, i did actually liked this end

Kat: I do too More than I thought I would

Giulia: And boy do I want apocalypse world back

Giulia: Also this thing about that chuck. Just reinforce my idea that Cas is going to choose to be human.

Zee: What're six months?

Kat: Makes me wonder how long they knew 15 was gonna be the last

Giulia: Before season 14 , pretty sure. Or at least at the start. Like...they played too much on the letting go and be grateful for the time we had shit

Kat: I think so too

Zee: Imma leave too. Spending the day in the city

Giulia: Same, Spending the day crying

.

.

.

Thank you all for staying with us during this painful season.

See you in season 15, which will be even more painful, but he-heey we are used to it ....right?

. @wayward-angelgirl @destiel-honeypie     @mariekoukie6661     @dragontamerm      @closetspngirl   @rainflowermoon    @mattiecat      @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee2   @jacks-word-of-the-day     @4evamc       @dammitsammy     @legendary-destiel   @winchesterprincessbride    @destielhoneybee    @castiellover20   @jacks-word-of-the-day  @ravenhg @evvvissticante  @legendary-destiel @dustythewind 

[familyvisionis2020]

Day 6 - The Drive Home

Today was the last day of tour. I wake up in the morning feeling guilty because I have a groggy memory of waking up around 8 to go to the bathroom, Paul was waiting to go, but when the person came out I just fronted him (a word I just now remember from elementary school, cut in line, but southern), used the bathroom and went back to bed. Rude. I am wiping the cold from my eye, taking in the undecorated walls of the apartment, and Jeremy comes from down the hall and says ‘Did you get the memo? Louisville cancelled. Tour’s over.” I said ‘fuck’ and processed it. I feel sad for Jeremy and John and Kabir because I know they wanted to play this last show in Kentucky. It’s not that I didn’t, but also for the last three months and for especially the last month I have been feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about this tour, about feeling out-of-control, about being away from loved ones at home, about being available to show up for people in my life, about completing regular routines of hygiene and spirituality and task completion that make me feel boring and comfortable, both. Touring stirs up dredges of the tea leaves that I had let settle into a fine filmy sediment at the bottom of me. I manufactured a jello mold two years ago and poured myself into it: regular 9-5 in the legal field as a means and precursor to law school, then diligent study for 3 years, then a professional career, abandoning the party life, abandoning trespassing in abandoned buildings, abondoning the luxury of resentment and unproductive time, trying to cool and firm into something reliable, serviceable, dependable, available, a resource people could draw from for once, rather than a leech or slug. And when I go on tour I take that jello mold out of the fridge and it holds its shape but also it warms and the longer I’m out the more liquidy it gets and sloshes over the sides and so forth. So I’m ambivalent because I like what I have to offer to this band, I like the physical process of drumming and expressing myself in the context of music and being a member of a band, but also I feel like I’ve kind of chilled enough and it’s time to settle down. And I’m at a way different point in my life than the other guys in the band it seems like, for the most part. So anyways all this to contextualize the fact that the news of tour ending even earlier than early honestly makes me feel relieved, if not happy, and so then I work to temper that boosted mood for the sake of grim decorum befitting a tour taken before its time. 

All our stuff is locked in the venue from last night and we learn we won’t be able to pick it up until 1pm and so we have about 4 hours to kill in the apartment. Phillip puts on a pot of coffee that will turn out to be some of the wateriest on record, but still, a super kind gesture, and then he also puts on The Wire on HBO Go and we just settle in on the couch and watch for awhile. Some of the scenes are familiar, there’s something seductive about this show, and it brings me back to the precise moment of Summer of 2013 right before I moved to Philadelphia right after I got evicted from the squat/music venue I had been living in that winter and spring, I watched all episodes of The Wire on DVD on Matt Martin’s couch at 3 Pomroy and felt deeply depressed. It ranks up there with when I watched all released episodes of The Office in bed in the winter of 2009 after my girlfriend broke up with me, in terms of memorably devestating life phases offset by the amniotic fluid of full-series of TV. So we watch The Wire and I find myself not too inclined to sit and watch and I want to write so I sit at my laptop on the table nearby and write an email to a female (sorry) but I actually do and its purpose is to make her smile and bring some levity and play and purple prose to a moment in her life that, from how she tells it to me, is just so heavy, nightmares and waking horror and a future that feels like it hangs by a thread. so I’m glad to spend time showing up for her in this small way rather than watching The Wire, and also I write yesterday’s blog post, another activity that feels sort of like a pittance but also like: doing-writing is something I have been putting off, in phases and seasons, for my entire adult life, because to me nothing ever matters enough to write about, or if it does my perspective is deficient, or my research inadequate, or my skill incommensurate with the subject matter, or it won’t properly reflect my feelings, or any number of self-sabotaging excuses to not do this thing I so love doing, and love sharing. So for me, writing this blog is a very meaningful and special act of reclamation of a personal mode of expression that constitutes a break in my winter’s depression and what feels like a new phase of happiness, of believing-i-have-a-future, of feeling more authoratative and qualified to know and describe my own experience in a lifetime marred and dampened by dissociation, oblivion, amnesia, and fugue. So it feels like nourishment to get some paragraphs done and to move slow through my days, get them onto the page.

The Wire grows tiresome at some point and Jeremy fires up the PS4 and then the PS3 looking for games but none are multiplayer and so eventually he settles on Skyrim and starts from a new file. Me personally I love watching let’s plays and this is as good as TV. There was a moment last tour when we were in this strange small town in Connecticut called Torrington (the town all touring bands are required to go to, we also joked), in this town Jeremy was describing the sort of surrealness he experienced there and he said he felt like the townspeople in Torrington were like NPCs in a FPS RPG like Skyrim wherein you would go up to people and press A to talk, say ‘What news?” and that I thought was really funny then, I like his sense of humor. Really Kabir and Jeremy and Royal represent this sort of humor that is to me equal parts razor wit, cleverness, timing, accents, absurdity, and broad conceptual placticity, all for the most part very clean too, never or at least rarely blue (you’re gonna inevitably make a D’s nuts joke and that’s just that). And during happy times I am so grateful to be nearby this humor and during less happy times I get self conscious about how great their humor is and how I sometimes feel like I don’t measure up. But that feeling doesn’t weigh for long. Skyrim is fun to watch, it kills some time, we all take turns trying to kill wolves with swords before Jeremy finally does it, there’s a dragon, we loot corpses, discuss Bloodborne and Dark Souls and comparable games. A lot of the main media activity in this group is discussing how a given media relates to another media, Kabir and Jeremy and John know it seems like everything between the three of them when it comes to record labels, band narratives, artist’s hometowns, etc. So we play Skyrim for awhile, and then eventually it’s time to go to the venue and we drive back to The Salty Nut, load in all our gear, do a final sweep, and say our goodbyes and thankyous to Phillip. We return to the Bandido place one last time for one last round of free local Taco Bell which we absolutely scarf and are very vocally grateful to the people for giving it to us for free again, it’s clear they really put effort into being hospitable to touring bands here, at least through Phillip. His band, Thomas Function, was signed on Fat Possum Records, which also had bigger indie acts like Jay Reatard (who Phillip tells a story about him demanding $50,000 in cash for a show fee to feed his coke and heroin habit, Reatard died at age 29 from cocaine toxicity with alcohol also), The Black Keys, Andrew Bird, Wavves and Soccer Mommy, but which Kabir postulates has most of its success due to having signed octogenarian southern blues legends like R.L. Burnside and King Ernest and raking in royalties from what Kabir speculates is due to poor management of the estates of these dead leagends who each had more than a dozen children. It’s truly fascinating for me to hear how deep and complex the analysis of music these guys have is. When I feel insecure, which is often, I tend to veneer these sorts of expertises and shibboleths among music-heads as snobby, elitist, exclusionary, petty and asinine. But I think most of that comes from a fear that I lack the insight, cognitive absorbency, and passionate research skills to collate and catalog data about artists in the way these people do, the way my bandmates do. I feel inspired to take time to dig deeper into the musicans I love, to make them real to me, to get a sense of their story, their lived experience, for the sake of corroding the mediation between us somewhat, or at least polishing the media membrane. 

I volunteer to drive for the first half of what will end up being about a 10-hour drive back from Huntsville to Chapel Hill. We go to a Whole Foods in Huntsville upon Kabir’s insistence where I purchase a nootropic snakeoil energy affair in beverage form, Kabir gets hot coffee and a La Colombe Draft can of latte, Jeremy gets a kombucha made from yerba mate (“best of both worlds” he says), John black coffee as per, and Kabir also buys a slice of Tres Leches cake in a clear plastic to-go clamshell: “they can take away my tour, but they can’t take away my tres leches.” Later he’s eating it in the van and he accidentally spills some on himself and he says “shit…spilled some on myself. oh good, it was only one leche” which to me is so funny and perfect humor and just like kind of a paragon of the kind of joke I so treasure from this friend group. Another is when Jeremy and Kabir are recalling a favorite running joke from two tours ago, wherein they were in Philly, home to the famous Schuykill River (pronounced skoo-kill, at least when i lived there, at least around the non-indigenous people i knew), and while there they would affect this blaring Brooklyn accent, deployed heavily on this trip as well for basically any purpose, but back then they would say “UGH MY SKOYKL IS KILLING ME” like Schuykill was lombago or sciatica and also would say “YEAH LET ME GET A KWATA POUND OF SKOYKL ON RYE” like it was a deli meat, and they laughed and laughed. Also they liked doing rhyming jokes like last night there was a chair nearby the combo amp Tired Frontier was going to use for their set and Kabir goes ‘amp on the chair, tone everywhere’ and then I say ‘amp on the ground, makes a bad sound’ and then I tell Jeremy later how Kabir would put me in good spirits whenever I was describing to someone how my LSAT score is very competitive but my checkered past makes the acceptance process a little less than straightforward, and Kabir would see I was getting kinda down and anxious, and he would say ‘You gotta break the law before you make the law,’ and we all laugh and I love that, the function of humor as balm, salve. I want to wield my humor like that.

The drive back is fine, some sprinkles, nothing major, clear traffic for the most part, I feel like I have a good command of the van, keep it around 75 for most of the trip, feel smoth and confident switching lanes, passing, etc. We do another two NYT Wednesday classic crosswords together, Kabir is getting probably 40% of the clues, me maybe 30% Jeremy and John the other 30%, Kabir will just to YEAHHHHHHHH after getting a clue and I start doing that too after Jeremy says “X down, ‘on the table’ 15 letters,” and I say UPFORDISCUSSION after only a couple seconds and it fits and is correct and I feel like a damn genius and we’re all laughing and kind of praising each other half-jokingly for being strong beautiful geniuses who also we know songs. This is a great passtime and the drive flies by and before I know it we’re in Western NC just outside of Asheville and we make a stop to refuel the tank and get dinner. We decide on a Waffle House across the street, not wanting to venture too deep into Asheville for something healthier and better because of the time and money it would likely eat up, Kabir says that FEMA uses the closing of Waffle Houses as a bellweather to indicate the severity of a given natural disaster. We go inside, the waitress says ‘ya’ll aren’t from around here are you?’ in a way that I take to be hostile and I suggest that to the guys and they seem like maybe slightly offput but not very much and we decide not to abort and I later feel foolish because I think I am doing this thing where I become excessively vigilant or sensitive to a perceived slight to a friend who is brown for the putative purpose of interceding on their behalf against racism but what’s actually happening is if someone was racist to them they could just stand up for themselves and make their own call regarding their own comfort or lack thereof and I would do better to act less motivated by white guilt when avoidable. That passes, it’s fine, we eat hash browns and waffles and eggs and grits and toast and cover everything in tobasco and tip well and get back on the road, John takes over for the final stretch. 

I return a call from Marty and catch him up about tour being cancelled and we discuss our fears and hysteria and cancellations and reaction and so forth. Marty remarks that he is a gravedigger during the plague, which is the best possible job to have. It’s not a joke because he actually drives a backhoe working for a cemetary and digs actual graves, super weird and eminently punk/goth and kind of a curiosity but really perfect for the lead singer of one of the South’s premiere punk bands, especially after his being fired from the swish cafe he worked at in Richmond before that. I love Marty and catching up and it feels good to hear his voice. After I get off the phone it sort of becomes campfire spooky story time in the van with everyone proffering their take on the panic, market failure, the likelihood of Capitalism as a superstructure to require perpetual growth even at the peril or death of its working class, the superior response to covid that South Korea and Norway seem to have mounted, a lot of fear of financial insecurity. Eventually this digresses to talk of touring, and the guys discuss all manner of various routes throught the South, Midwest, Northeast, plains states, PNW, Mexico City, Jeremy says ‘I can get us a show in Colombia’ which he can, Argentina or Venezuela through a mutual friend, then Europe so long as the label foots the bill for the plane ticket, then Japan, setting up camp on Honshu would make it easy to hit TOkyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Nagoya no problem, except where exactly are people playing shows? there’s gotta be somewhere all these Japanese Noise and Hardcore bands are getting gigs, and then from there of course it’s not hard to get to Australia, John knows a band there, and they go all around the world and this is stressing me out a little bit, only because I wonder about how much they think I would be involved or want to go on such a theoretical tour, and the answer is I don’t 100% know. Part of me wants to say this is my last tour, lean all the way in to law school and leave behind this chapter. Part of me feels like it’s better not to make a hard and fast statement like that because what if the economy collapses and for some reason school is a no-go but being in the band becomes the most plausible source of income or something. I get anxious and psych myself out and quiet down and feel foolish and wish to be home. I fantasize about my future life of stability, but I second guess myself because I just don’t know for sure how my life will be, and want to be careful to work toward the goals I think will be the most fulfilling, self-actualizing, spiritually nourishing, healthy for me; I also want to not forsake the friendships and bonds I’ve forged in these weird intimate moments in the van with the guys. I have the wherewithal to know that nobody is requiring me to make a decision right this second, and that as time passes it’s likely that the best course of action will be revealed one way or another if I can keep from panicking. So I watch videos of the 2019 Classic Tetris World Championships on my phone, eat two candy bars, watch videos of a streamer named Wumbotize play the latest Tetris game, Tetris Effect (2018, PS4, PC), and am pleasantly awed by how crazily far the skill curve of that game has shot up. I have some time ahead of me that is completely free, which is so nice. Before I know it I’m back home in my clean apartment which is tidy like a tetris field at the beginning of a new game and I get into my bed and lay down flat and if my bed is the well than the line of me clears and the well is clean, smooth, primed, for whatever falls tomorrow. 

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, KAT! You’ve been accepted for the role of PUCK. Admin Rosey: There's nothing that thrives more in Verona than chaos and Kat, that's exactly what you brought us - a character that exudes nothing but pure and utter chaos. Your para sample highlights perfectly the best and worst of our beloved Puck and his unapologetic satisfaction in being the best at being the absolute worst. Verona has endured many things but it has yet to endure Puck - and honestly I'm not entirely sure it will. Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Kat Age | 24 Preferred Pronouns | She/her Activity Level | I think I’ll be able to get on quite a bit! At least two or three times a week, but likely more! Ya girl dropped a whole job ya YEET Timezone | EST How did you find the rp? | I originally came across it in the lsrpg tag, also I miss y’all :( Current/Past RP Accounts | These are links to inactive past accounts! https://neosy.tumblr.com/ https://grchcmisms.tumblr.com/ https://99gael.tumblr.com/ https://halogenq.tumblr.com/ https://odinbellc.tumblr.com/ ;)

In Character

Character | Puck, Pavel Lam

What drew you to this character? | beautiful chaos and twisted humor, a spring in the step of a child-like demon, all soft face and sharp features. they live life as if there are a lack of consequences, laughing in the face of harbored restrictions and societal rules. they swindle, steal, and slice, color the world with trickery and a wicked grin. they’re absolutely flavorful, chocolate cake with bitter, poison icing, long sticks of candy cane that are licked too sharply pointed.

similar to the likeness of peter pan, of trickster gods, and all devil-may-care figures. he is forever a boy, but parading as a man, selfish and big-headed. i see potential dripping from the deepest of crevices, his heart burrowed in armoured steel, tasteless victory.

what draws me to pavel lam? sweet, sweet chaos fed to me like grapes from adonis himself. let me unleash the beast of my writing in all its absolute, unruly nature. let me shatter glasses of whiskey by chucking them towards my fireplace as i express all the ways he can shred plans like priceless documents. i crave blood-stained teeth and busted knuckles, the dance of a jester as he makes away with all the kings gold. the clanking of chains and countless rings adorning fingers, gluttony and swallowed sanity. dear god, what doesn’t draw me to this character?

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? |

i. pride he shrugs, his silhouette not at all coy nor a picture of interest, but on the other side of a turned back there are gritted teeth and balled fists. he supposes it’s the curse of a person forced to work for their success, scramble and claw for riches. nothing tears him apart like a lack of respect, ironic and hypocritical from someone who can’t recall the definition of the word most days. he cannot stand being discounted, or ignored, more likely to smile at a drink thrown in his face than a turned back. his pride will eat him alive if he lets it, will consume him whole without mercy, and he cannot let them know how much it bothers him. he keeps secrets and lets blood pool his mouth from having his teeth sunk too harshly into his tongue. he can only clench his jaw so tight before something begins to splinter, a comment or a jest just an inch too far, just a little too close to home and something is bound to snap; an aging dam that still struggles against the weight of its burden.

tread lightly, or beware of the snakes in the long grass.

ii. greed it’s never enough, not all the riches in the world, not the most dangerous task nor highest penthouse. they can’t be sated by grandiose or any price tag, though such things are very well accepted and stolen. he will take all that is offered and more, refusing to reject any task that seems of interest, anything that feels as if others would turn it down out of fear or otherwise. these are the things that get people killed, and still he only laughs, the sight of his own blood lighting mirth and distaste. he feels no pity for himself, no self-preservation active in his mind or body. it’s only a matter of time before he finds himself in a situation that he even his wit and silver tongue cannot get him out of. danger signs do not flash so brightly to him, the dense fog filling the road in a blind search for glory and gore, his fingers grasp in the darkness and he plays it all as a game.

once and awhile, headlights cut through the mist in a warning.

iii. shame at night his muscles twitch and ache in sync with the pain in his chest, stood in his bathroom mirror with smudged glamour and horrid eyes – hurt, and disdain for his hurt. who is this person in the reflection? weak, and caked with dirt, hideous, with weighted skin under dull eyes that look pitifully vengeful? at night he stays out to avoid the man he shares his apartment with, the one who glares at him through the framed glass in his bathroom, the sleepless monster that feels everything he ignores, drunk and full of nightmares so that the pavel who works and the pavel who socializes can laugh and spit and jeer. the man who cowers under sheets and stares at blinking clocks is human, disgustingly so, and he rots and rots until he pulls his arms through decadent sleeves embroidered by gods. he does not cry, but seethes, and then he pulls himself together, all intoxicated and wild, the character, the jester, the mercenary.

he plants his hands on the cold porcelain edges of his sink, locks eyes with the reflection he sees, and laughs as if mad.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | you know me, the more pain, the more suffering, the more gain. bring it y’all.

In Depth

In-Character Para Sample:

he sits in the backseat of a parked stretch hummer with his legs spread in a dramatic fashion, leaned back in his seat with aloof expressions, careless posture. it’s not his car, but he dominates the atmosphere, the perfect center of attention, the other man’s eyes steadily on him, as it should be, as he intends for it to be. silvers drip from him, a newfound love of chains and jewelry, pretty and powerful. he looks unimpressed, perhaps playing his version of coy as he says, “okay, you have me here, now what on earth are you going to do with me?” all sharp teeth and glinting eyes, a modern day dionysus filled with lies and mirth, devilish words with a darkened tone, he leans forward, his elbow on his knee and his chin in his hand. pavel smells of fortunes, far from the street rat in rags, far from desperate but perpetually greedy, his grin so sharp it practically glows in the dark, could easily be imagined floating in midair, hovering above the leather seats.

they’re only here to play games, fingers gleaming with rings and itching to touch, to sully, to disrupt.

in instances like this they feel perhaps immortal, catching the light of the car overheads, the glare and tinted windows blocking the blackness of the late night outside. yes, mother, a child not designed but merely thrown together, a sloppy collection of limbs and blood becomes something beautiful, something frightening, so very terrible. a boy who had to struggle for money now carries himself as if he has had it his whole life, so comfortable in luxury, shrugging at expensive things and putting his shoes on the interior of italian leather.

“you know what you’re here for.”

pavel’s lips pull back in a wicked smile. the knife digs into the bottom of his calf in his boot.

it’s all too easy to play a part; pursed lips, crossed arms, sunglasses perched on the end of his nose. he appears petulant, perhaps wanton, poorly postured at a gala. expensive clothes but in an under dressed manner. he caught the targets attention immediately, an old married man with a high price on his head, a chunk of gold hidden in his chest, a new rolex behind his temples, and that’s all he sees now, not blood beneath flesh or rolling veins. if he is inhuman, then so is the man, objects for objective purpose, paid for in cash and carnage, a handsome face with chilling features.

he whispers lies and gets pretty words in response.

he likes it this way, business perceived as business, no fluttering eyelashes and personal questions, just the words of ‘roll over’ and a ringing, gawky laugh in response.

this is what war looks like to him now, red tinted club lighting and soaked underfoot, sleight of hand and golden letter openers, expensive bottles of wine and chandelier shards etched into skin. he suits this as well as he did sloppy street crimes, officers never minding the homeless man on homicide scenes; now they turn their backs to boys with expensive things, petty and spoiled, they assume, not worth their time. he climbs into the other man’s seat easily, a swing of legs over hips, knees fitted and he leans forward. it’s then that the feeling inside the car changes, near imperceptible to the eye but distinguishable by the way the man suddenly squirms, feeling less in control still, suddenly trapped. pavel gets close, faces nearly touching, eyes all humor. “what’s wrong? you wanna be on top?” he laughs, and the man pushes his chest, trying to get him off but pavel tightens his grip, fingers pressed tightly to the top of the seat on either side of the man’s head. “this is what you wanted, isn’t it?” he feels the panic, the surge in energy, and it’s then, in one quick motion, that he unsheathes the knife and plunges it into ribcage.

he still does his best work with messy murder, pulling the knife out and slamming it into the man’s chest a second time, the leak of blood getting on his clothes, pants and undershirt black for good reason.

blood runs red yet appears inky in the under-lit vehicle, seeping out of wounds like tar, a monster escaping a body first in slow motion and then all too quickly. bodies get cold fast to him, his interest only spanning how long it takes for the light to leave your eyes before it’s on to the next. not a minute to waste, unopened bottles of champagne lay waiting to pop, showers of wine and new gadgets and shiny things to replace the new gaping void he feels in the cars interior. it doesn’t make him quite nauseous, but something inside him rolls. disgusting. boring.

he removes his long white over shirt now tainted with red and discards it on the floor of the vehicle carelessly, leaving a black wife beater on his person and opening the door, one leg sliding out in front of the other. he stills just a moment outside the gaudy vehicle, allowing only a moment to pass before the dull click of a lighter.

Extras:

playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6BpLUvLJ5B0AShSPXzf4sT?si=xZj_nNlVTWOQqzk3K2S_Ig hc: owns gucci slides unironically

[drybonesawaken]

Oh man, it’s been awhile since I’ve had time to really pause, take a breath, and reflect...

It feels like I haven’t truly been able to sit down and organize my thoughts for upwards of two or three months now, so this will be my time for that. It’s either gonna be a super long post - or I’ll split things up, we’ll see...

I came into this semester thinking that it would be really easy. All the classes I took were supposedly easy A’s, I had already taken the hard EECS courses, so this was supposed to be an easy semester where I could focus more on other things. I really couldn’t have been more wrong. 

This semester has been hell, but it’s also been such a big learning point for me that God really is the provider of all things, good and bad. I got through my semesters with ‘relative’ ease last year not by my own strength, but really by God’s. I do remember so often praying these words of ‘God, give me the strength to continue’ and so on last year, but because this year I felt like I didn’t need it given the lighter workload, those prayers disappeared. And with them, I realize now in hindsight, so did my source of strength. I’m truly humbled by how obvious my insufficiency is from this semester alone - that I thought I could do it without God, when in reality it was Him carrying me on His shoulders all along before. 

That being said, it’s still been a process to try to rely on God’s strength. It’s sort of a snowball effect: relying on myself and failing at what I do leads to less open time and more anxiety, which leads to less time spent with God and less trust in Him and so on and so forth... I’m really hoping that with break just around the corner, I’m going to be able to re-establish a routine of daily time alone with God. This semester isn’t over yet, but it’s about time the tides turned on this battle.

I’ve been praying a lot about my future. Why do I put so much of my hope in knowing and being sure of my future? It’s hard to trust God and hard to believe that He’s for me. Even though I know it. But I guess I don’t. Gah

But yeah, I feel like so much of my uneasiness in everyday struggles comes with not knowing what I’m going to be doing in the summer, or not knowing what next year holds for me after I graduate. Not much to think about here - just that I need to let go and trust lol. 

LIFE group this year has been...hard. It’s honestly so shocking to me that I haven’t even blogged about it thus far, because it’s been such a big issue in my life for the past couple of months. 

Well, as a disclaimer, I do enjoy a lot of the times that I get to spend with LIFE group. I think they’re a fun group of people, and although I don’t really click with most of the people, I still enjoy the fun that people have. A lot of them have already gotten pretty close (especially some of the freshmen), and it’s cool to observe those things and see God working in those ways. 

But personally, oh man. (Okay this is supposed to be a reflection but I’m just gonna rant for a bit.) It sucks. There’s three guys older than me, two are leaders and the other is someone who is leaving next semester. There are no other guys the year above me or my year, and the two the year below me are both people that I would be investing in (as opposed to having more peer-like relationships with), not to mention that they rarely show up. It’s hard to muster up the energy to go to LIFE group because I know that sometimes, I’ll have to be the one to guide the bible study conversation in my small group. It’s hard to find the will to go to a group of 15 girls and a few freshmen. It’s hard to want to talk to people and not just sit somewhere and stare into nothingness. I haven’t mentioned this before, but I committed to not looking tired, even if I am, while I’m at LIFE group this year. It’s hard to have back to back to back classes, and then to find the energy to passionately teach a class full of grad students who don’t want to be there, and then to go straight to LIFE group and put on an excited and energetic face for people who don’t talk to you unless you approach them first. Okay this was definitely more dramatic and exaggerated than the truth and what I feel 99% of the time. But it also feels good to just let off some steam. Good thing nobody in my LIFE group has this blog... :^) k yeah I’m really pessimistic today

All in all, it’s just been hard to find the time to get to know people, and hard to find the energy to socialize with people I don’t already know well during fellowship times, which is the majority of LIFE group, including all my leaders lol...

Anyways. Enough complaining. Sure, it’s been hard, but it hasn’t been that hard. I’ve still been trying to invest in different capacities, but I also realized that the way I invest in LG this year is drastically different from the ways in which I invested last year. So yeah, I ended up spending a lot of time praying about how to invest in LG this year. Surprisingly, a lot of my convictions turned out to not be about LIFE group at all. But more about that later...

I realized that the biggest way I’ll be investing in the different relationships in LIFE group this year are going to be in my LCGs - I may not have the time to get to know everyone in LIFE group, but at least for my two LCGs, I can commit to really investing in them and growing with them. I’ll be honest, this has been hard too.... They’re both young freshmen, and let’s just leave it at: they don’t get along. I think both have a pretty strong church background, but both also have pretty warped understandings of the Gospel and what it means in their lives. Not to say that that’s bad at all - this is probably more common than not - but it means I have to be pretty careful about what I say during my meetups so as not to cause everything to come crashing down at once: we’ll tackle each problem one at a time lol. And uh, also. One of them is very hard to be patient with. I really thought that I was a pretty patient person. My limits are already being exposed, and I’ve only met with this dude like two or three times. Oof, God is really gonna grow me in patience this year LOL

I was invited to LG Core again this year, but I honestly debated about it for so long before accepting. I didn’t think I had the time, and it felt like I was soaking up the leaders’ resources that belonged elsewhere...anyways, that’s a topic for another day. I think I’m going to be treating Core as a good way for me to build relationships with some of the other sisters in LIFE group, since I’m the only guy doing it. Will definitely help me with being more comfortable during regular LIFE group times as well. And, I also just actually really enjoy spending the time with them, so Core sounds like it will be pretty chill!

So uh. In September I was praying about LIFE group. Then God was like hey you should go on missions. I was like ???????

But I’m going on missions now. 

I was really struggling to understand why God placed this sort of calling in my heart - looking back on freshman missions, sure it was something I enjoyed and a memory I really cherished, but it wasn’t really something I was planning on doing again. Kids are really not my thing. And as I prayed through this decision, I realized that God is planting seeds of investing in the next generation in me. Freshman missions doesn’t have to be about working with kids in Chicago for me, but rather the focus is going to be the relationships I build with all the freshmen during training and afterwards. So yeah, I’m not looking forward to Chicago. But I’m looking forward to all the time spent with the freshmen. And also the time with other people I’ve heard (through the grapevine) that are going to be helping/leading this year... heh

With this commitment, I’ve also circled around and prayed a lot about what classes to take next semester to make sure that I can 1) graduate, and still 2) have a lot of time to invest in meeting up with people and investing. It’s gonna be a lot of fun!

(mini disclaimer because idk who reads this blog now that it’s public: if you go to my church please keep this private for now, missions stuff is still not yet public knowledge...thanks!)

I realized this semester that I actually react really really really really poorly to stress. Did I mention REALLY poorly? yeah. The only reason I didn’t think so before is because I don’t get stressed very easily, if at all. But this semester, I was stressed. And then I was super cranky and emotional and introverted and irritable and I had a lot of negative thoughts and it wasn’t good. I don’t know how to grow in this. Practice by being stressed more?

??? No? 

So how do I grow in this lol. Other than praying...

Okay there’s more that I’ve been thinking/reflecting about but it’s bedtime. This was sort of just a huge garble of thoughts but I think it was really good for me to write things out and I can feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Don’t really expect people to read through, but if you somehow happened to, here’s another small thing that I’ve been thinking about, I’m sharing just for you:

Have I ever mentioned on this blog that this past summer/semester I have been thinking about dating? Well, good thing I am too busy right now given all this other stuff ^^^. Clearly my heart still has so many issues, I’m not ready anyways LOL...

okay there will probably be more on that in the future months/years but definitely after missions lol (I don't have time before) thanks for reading!

[rxcusant]

HOW I RUN MY BLOG

SPEED

i do my best! generally i just try to keep the pace going but im also a turtle with very bad attention span. like everyone sometimes i have more muse for certain threads and i try to tackle those first. otherwise i?? just try to keep the ball rolling.

REPLIES/DRAFTS

imma be real here chief. I don’t use my drafts. If i put my replies in drafts i will NEVER get them done. so i either Like them or i rely on my memory fkjhgkd  i usually reply in later evening/night hours tho! I’m ATROCIOUS at replying during the day time and its just a lot easier on me in silence with no one around. I try to reply the day after my partner does but sometimes stuff happens and i get to it the next night lmao

STARTERS

I don’t mind doing them and I usually volunteer to! But Im also happy whenever someone else does cAUSE ITS ONE LESS THING FOR ME TO DO L M A o..,,, If theres one thing I noticed Im bad at tho its responding to one-liner starter calls cause i just... spit 2 paragraphs back kjfdghj and they usually end up going no where and it makes me kinda sad. But Im gonna keep liking them cause i wanna interact with people!!!! and those calls always pop up on my dash!!!!!

INBOX

listen here young man my blog is almost 5 years old. This inbox is CLUTTERED....... i try to answer everything as best i can tho!! But, as i will keep saying, I HAVE BAD ATTENTION SPAN and if i forget its not on you!! admittedly sometimes i dont know how to respond so i’ll leave it to stew over but... i end up forgetting anyway. By then i just delete it if its been awhile.

SELECTIVITY

I’m only semi selective tbh I don’t have High Standards or anything djfhkgjf I like an active dash and I like meeting people!! Im coming off a year long hiatus and I still feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface with following people in this community.  If you really wanna know tho I don’t like following if your blog is nothing but ask memes or if youre about is just Off The Wall Crazy that i feel winded after reading it and im not sure i can see us interacting. I’m chill i swear As a side note, I do not follow personals back. 

WISHLIST

[takes out a very long scroll that unwinds and scrolls out the door and keeps going for miles] Well, now that you’ve asked -i want sorikai content..... i want sokai content....... i want soriku content....... i want trinity trio content........ i want the misery that comes with being snorts friend. i live for that. I live for riku and kairi lamenting over trying to save their best friend whos actively avoiding seeing them as much as it pains him cause he doesnt wanna get them hurt hhhhhhh I WANT THEM SNEAKING BEHIND THE SCENES SEEING EACH OTHER CAUSE THE FRIENDSHIP IS TOO STRONG AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER TOOMUCH TO BE APART AND EVEN XEHANORT CANT DO THAT TO THEM  -I WANT..... ORGANIZATION RPS......... i want!! soranort to interact with all the other vessels!!! there is SO MUCH TO DO HERE!!! Get under his skin, remind him hes gonna beat the light out of precious friends, just!! fuck with him man. Sora will snap back and stick to his guns and make for one big sass fight. Cmon sora was LITERALLY THEIR ENEMY FOR ALL THE GAMES AND NOW HES FORCED TO SIDE WITH THEM theres a lot to do here!!!!!!!!!! And if sora does what he does best and worms into their heart and they become friends?? ALL THE BETTER!!! one of my FAVORITE old relationships on this blog was with saix! it was great!!!!!! im starving out here pls give me organization rps -v...vanitas........ listen i know i rp vanitas too but SOME OF MY FAVORITE RPS ARE WITH OTHER VANITAS BLOGS...... we can work it out man, we can plot it out, i just rEALLY LOVE OTHER VANITAS BLOGS A LOT OK its really fun seeing another vanitas tear down sora that isnt myself. Im just eternally nervous about approaching other vanitas’s in case theyre like NO I DONT WANNA  DO THIS so i sit in silence watching from afar  -DISNEY!!!!! DISNEY!!!!!!! RPS!!!!!!!! DISNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LIVE FOR SORA SEEING HIS OLD DISNEY FRIENDS AGAIN AND THEYRE LIKE “hey what happened” aND HE LAUGHS LIKE “HAHAHAH NOTHING I SWEAR IM FINE HOW ARE YOU THO” OR ALTERNATIVELY DISNEY THAT ISNT IN KH, LET SORA MEET THEM NOW WHEN HES ON ORG MISSIONS ‘go do recon sora and stay in the shadows pls’ ‘okay! [immediately goes and makes 10 friends] -crossover friends!!!! i also live for Sora meeting people who dont know ANYTHING about his bullshit or KH’s bullshit and they steadily overtime see how hes not doing so well until he has to explain OR keep dancing around it because its always better that theyre not involved in all this [this one is hit or miss cause i only follow series im familiar with BUT i can make exceptions jkfhg] -vanitas meeting people similar to him. Before i reset my blogs relationships vanitas aCTUALLY HAD A FRIEND but it was only because they were both tools living with someone elses face and they punched each other to say hello kdjfhgkdj but i like exploring what happens to vanitas when you give him the warmth he spent 4 years feeling from ventus & longing after in the badlands according to the bbs novels. Vanitas is a terrible abomination but goddamn do i love watching him short circuit when someones not treating him like shit. then he gets extremely confused and angry and [chefs kiss] fun. -this is already really long and while i always have more in mind ill stop here

HONEST NOTE you want some honesty????? you want some BRUTAL HONESTY??? I am in a constant state of anxiety people will be disappointed i dont follow the herd with Popular Soranort Headcanons. like they come here expecting one thing only to see thats not what rolls here. Granted I don’t look at or know the Popular Soranort Headcanons because they made my anxiety spike more, im just ??? Its a weird feeling. Im not here to please people because how I choose to write soranort is all up to me and I love him. Its just... a super funky feeling. Theres a reason i took my hiatus but thats all im gonna say.  Im also always worried about my vanitas portrayal since hes just a Lost Soul at the moment with no goal or path or outlet and therefore doesnt really follow his canon self’s personality or behavior.

tagged by: nobody i live in a kingdom of thieves tagging: you! and you! and especially YOU

[squishysvt]

Best Friend! Yuta

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N i havent posted in like 5 years and i have no excuse and this wasnt even requested but there is an extreme lack of yuta content and i decided to make it myself smh ANYWAYS i liked writing this a lot and feedback is encouraged!!! lov u lil squishies muah <33 -Admin Madi

ALSO this was inspired by this post from @xuxi-rolls and this post from @youaremychwingum which are both amazingly cute blogs and people so go check them out!

Backstory first! You two met in the 3rd grade when he was deep in his anime phase and you were obsessed with collecting erasers that were shaped like weird things such as lipstick tubes and paintbrushes

Yuta stole the paintbrush one and started using it like a sword like a character from his fav anime and boy when you saw him do that were you were like “im gonna do it. Im gonna kill him”

You literally stomped your lil sketcher clad feet over to his desk and YANKED that shit from his chubby fingers with zero remorse

And he started crying and you felt bad and were like “well fine you can have it i guess”

And he immediately stops his FAKE crying bc hes a snake and sticks his tongue out at you as he snatches the eraser back

And you went into full Attack Mode and you two got into a small fist fight and the teacher had to break it up it was nasty

Anyways after you two went through the next year having some major beef, yuta apologised bc he’s a gentleman and even bought you a new eraser!

It was shaped like a dinosaur and you loved it so much that you instantly forgave him bc you didnt have an eraser in that shape yet!!

And he was beaming after seeing ur face light up like that and proudly pulled a matching dino eraser from his back pocket and was like “we match!! We can be best friends now!”

And you Loved that idea you were like yes okay first order of business: more erasers

Anyways you two just instantly clicked bc ur sense of humor was v v similar and life became so much more enjoyable with having him there to share the experience with you

Throughout ur many years of friendship, Yuta had always wanted nothing more than for your friendship to be comfortable, honest and loving

You’re the one that he rants to, gushes to and confides to so your friendship to him is so precious

And as you grew older and gained more freedom, both of you started to do more things outside of school like go on late night drives, go to the movies, amusements parks and out to eat every other day

And it became natural and routinely that going days without one another felt weird??

And you and yuta have discussed the idea of maybe you two being soul mates, but in a completely platonic way

Like you were two halves meant to come together

And yuta liked to reinforce this idea bc when it comes to being lovers, you shouldn’t be looking for your other half, but rather looking for the person who already makes you feel whole

And so when y’all graduated from high school you immediately got an apartment together!

It’s definitely not very fancy or anything since you both only had part time jobs here and there during the school years and summers, but it’s better than nothing!

And although yuta and you are similar, your styles are where you really begin to differ

While he wants to have pictures of mountains and gardens hanging on the living room walls, you would rather have mirrors shaped like suns and fairy lights behind the couch

And obviously after some friendly banter, you come to an agreement that a painting of pretty outside scenery at night would look great with some fairy lights to compliment it!!

And so your apartment quickly becomes a mesh of your style with his and it’s oddly nice?? Like who would’ve thought that yuta’s knick knacks from japan would look so cute next to your family photos

It’s a two bedroom apartment but you both end up sleeping on the couch in a heap more often than you’d like to admit

You’re both in uni doing ur own things so when its time to come home and relax, you’ll find yourself curled up next to him on the couch with your laptop open and writing a paper while he’s munching on some snacks and watching a game of soccer he missed bc of classes

And you’ll quickly fall asleep bc papers are boring!! And yuta doesnt want to move bc your laying on him and doesnt want to disturb you so he’ll just quietly cheer to himself when his team scores and eventually falls asleep

But sometimes he has no problem lightly shoving you off and going to his own bed bc the couch isnt really that comfortable and hurts his back after awhile, but he brings your duvet out so its more comfortable for you at least

And although you two are pretty much joint at the hip, your bedrooms are private from one another

Like its nice being with yuta, but its also very important that you have time to yourself and so neither of you are intrusive when the other person is in their room with the door shut

If either of you need anything you’ll just shoot each other a text or quietly knock on the door rather than just barging in which is something that both of you really appreciate

And you obviously have other friends besides yuta that you love dearly! And you make sure that you get to see them often and that yuta goes out with his friends too bc its easy to get sick of each other no matter how much you love one another

And this makes for your friendship to be healthy! Which is like, the most important thing bc being your own person is important and having close relationships/friendships is also important! But its easy to get too attached and end up hurting yourself down the road

And yuta is aware of this as well and so it makes things a lot easier bc he knows when you need your space and when to distance himself if he needs it too

But living with yuta is a lot of fun!

He likes to cook sometimes so you’ll always have a full tummy with yuta around!! And if he's not in the mood for slaving over the stove, he’ll just make some instant noodles and call it a day

He really tries to make as many traditional japanese dishes as he can so he can have a slice of his home whenever he’s feeling down, and he just really enjoys sharing that part of his life with you too

Undoubtedly his favorite part is when he gets to hand feed you with a spoon and witness the look on your face as you chew bc it’s really rewarding for him

Sometimes your schedules kind of clash on days so whenever he’s home and you’re in class, he’ll make food for himself and leave you tupperware containers of food in the fridge for you to heat up when you get back bc he knows you’ll just crash and not eat which is really bad

And yuta cares about ur health!!! He’s attentive as heck!!

But you’ll do the same thing for him, and even if you aren't a world renowned chef, you’ll lay cash on the counter for him to call in a pizza or something quick

If you know he’s been craving something then you’ll leave the number for the place next to the money you leave so it makes ordering a bit easier for him!

Also, yuta is very organized! Sometimes he’ll throw his jacket here and there or have some things where they shouldn’t be, but yuta really likes having a clean and tidy apartment!

He hates doing the dishes, but he’ll literally do anything else

He likes to vacuum for some reason you dont know but you’re like okay have at it! One less thing i gotta do! And he’s really happy once he’s done bc BAM you have clean floors

And you’ll just be sarcastic about it but in a loving way and he laps that shit up bc sarcasm!!! His second language <333

You two have a nightly routine that ensues when neither of you are busy the next day so  you’ll watch a movie on netflix you’ve been eyeing together and crash

Sometimes when yuta gets home on these nights you’ll still be in the shower or getting ready for bed, and yuta will come in and sit on the counter and you’ll talk about your day and just chill while shampooing ur hair (which yuta is obsessed with btw..he loves touching and playing with it)

But he’ll just be there,,listening closely and telling you about his own day while drawing squiggly images on the mirror like hearts and stick figures holding hands (its always you and him, but when you ask, he insists its him and winwin)

And you laugh bc boy does ur bff ever have a massive crush on sicheng!!

But yuta is just cute and likes your platonicness with him

Bc he really does love you! People often ask you two if you’re dating and you can see why people would ask that bc you and yuta are super close, but it’s also kind of an odd thought to both of you bc yeah you love each other but,,,not as lovers

And so you’ll laugh it off and talk about it afterwards bc you really cant see each other in that light because you tried dating in high school and it just felt kind of weird

Yuta loves to tease and joke around with you, sometimes be a little (read; lot) sarcastic with his jokes but he really does care about u and thats how he shows his affection!!

He’ll hold ur hand when ur out at the grocery store or shopping together and likes to pat your head and plays with your ears but thats about it for physical affection!

You’re emotionally bonded more so than physically which is not a bad thing uwu

Yuta finds it kind of hard to openly joke around to the same extent with others as he does to you and knowing this makes you feel really special

Like yeah!! Thats right!!! Im his best friend!!

Yuta also LOVES to dance with you

It doesn’t matter if it’s serious or not, he will not hesitate to pull you up onto ur feet and have you dancing with him

ESP to sistars shake it! Y’all have so much fun when that song comes on

At first this was embarrassing but then yuta would just NOT stop shaking his butt so you were like oh well lets both look cutely dumb i guess

And you’ll get noise complaints a lot bc the walls are thin and you’re moving around, creating a lot of noise and you feel especially bad when this is all happening at like,,,3am

Anyways you live kind of a fast pace life so whenever you gotta be somewhere you kinda fly out the door with ur feet shoved into ur shoes with the backs down and yuta will silently come behind you and remind you to slow down and will bend down and personally make sure they’re on properly so you don’t trip and die

It annoys him sometimes bc you should be taking better care of yourself and he’s not always going to be there to look after you and that worries him!!!

To allow him to sleep a little better at night, he bought you slide on shoes that you can easily shove on and fly out the door so he won’t have a heart attack at the thought of you falling down some stairs due to the hastiness of which you put your sneakers on improperly

And he’s also the one who is like “hey its been a couple of months so i bought you a new toothbrush bc dental hygiene is important” and you’re like “okay nice i just bought some new toothpaste on sale the other day, it’s minty so i think you’ll like it”

And this is how you two co-exist in ur shitty lil apartment

Yuta is also into soccer so you always make sure to go and support him at his games! Even if they’re just practices or whatnot, you’ll always be on the bleachers cheering for him!

Which yuta LOVES because he’ll point you out to his teammates and be like “thats my best friend, ugly, right?” and they’ll just laugh bc of his teasing and they can tell you two really get along

And yuta is uwu x100 at this

Anyways yuta likes to show off and do fancy tricks like sliding on the grass to get the ball and he’s all dirty when you get back to ur apartment together and you wont let him touch anything bc that means more cleaning which neither of u have the energy for

So you’ll basically make him take VERY large and wide steps towards the bathroom so he can shower and leave minimal dirt behind as he does so

And then he’ll come out of the shower with wet hair and clean up the tracks he left with a paper towel but he’ll go in circles for a good 30 seconds wiping up dirt and then water from his wet hair

And you’ll observe him and laugh for a bit before you’ll drape a fluffy towel over his head and he’ll pretend to be scared and ask who turned off the lights

To which you nudge him and call him a dork, but when he takes the towel off and get to look at his face, you tell him he did a great job at the game and his eyes will change from playful teasing to filled with genuine love in .5 seconds and he’ll instantly wrap you in his arms

And you’ll find warmth in his embrace and wonder why he smells so good and then you’ll realize he’s using your shampoo

You’re like okay well, sigh, whatever its okay bc hes cute i guess so we can share

And then yuta will pull away, give your head an affectionate pat and go work on a paper or something due for school

Which you both do a lot of late night paper writing sessions and so when he tells you he’s retreating to his room for the night you’ll go and cut up some fruit and gather some snacks he likes and bring them to him before he becomes too absorbed in schoolwork

And he does the same to you except he brings you a lot of water since its “important to stay hydrated~!” and will cover you in his favorite blanket bc he claims it “helps you write better papers”

And you arent allowed to refuse bc one time you tried to and yuta was like “okay well i guess i’ll be moving out then” and you’re like okay i know you’re joking but its hot in here i dont want to have a blanket on me

And yuta starts to dramatically pick things off of shelves until he’s saying things like “i’ll be out by morning since im not appreciated” and you’re rolling your eyes so hard you think they’ll go to the back of your head but its like okay fine thank you for your magic blanket houdini

Yuta just winks at you and does a theatrical bow before putting everything back and leaving you to write your magical paper

ANYWAYS thats what most nights are like, full of playful banter and fun talks

You also both THRIVE off the dollar store which is literally everything bc you two get so excited going in there!

They have everything so its like?? This place is my Second Home and i Love it Dearly

And yuta likes to buy candy there since its so cheap and one time when you were looking for a new broom, he wanders off and comes back with his hands behind his back and is like “guess what i found!!!”

And this is nothing new because yuta gets excited about the cutest things so you’re like “gum?”

And his smile gets all wide and bright like i KNOW you know the one im talking about, it’s literally kept me alive for the past 18 years

And he’ll bring his hands out and WOW ARE THOSE ERASERS THAT ARE SHAPED AS SMALL ORDINARY OBJECTS??

And you just want to CRY bc thats literally the sole being of your friendship in his HANDS!

Yuta is proud as heck and buys two matching ones for you two and they’re of paintbrushes in honor of the one he snatched in the third grade!

Which makes your heart so happy and content

But thats the effect yuta has on you! Someone who always manages to have you smiling and happy with life

But he does end up buying candy bc its basically your duty as a human to buy some expired candy from the local dollar store

And yuta really loves the flavor blue raspberry, esp if its sour and he finds a bag of sour jolly ranchers and goes nuts

And he picks out and religiously eats only the blue ones, a red one makes the cut here and there, but you’re like?? Yuta?? Can i atleast have ONE? And he rarely ever shares but its like okay whatever enjoy your cavities heathen

And you’ll clown the shit out of him bc his tongue is blue, his teeth are blue and the area around his mouth is blue and you cant just let that pass

And he’ll laugh when you try and come up with palpable things to call him, and when you’re both giggling uncontrollably, he’ll try to kiss your cheek bc he’s all sticky and he knows that would drive you mad

And its the same with his fingers bc theyre all blue and sticky too and he’ll hold your hand so hard that your fingers stick together and youre like yuta!!!! But you really secretly enjoy it

And then you’ll go home with bags full of god knows what and struggle to find places for everything but its okay bc the memories that come with the plastic bags and erasers from your childhood remind you why you love yuta as much as you do

Can you tell i love yuta yet or is this au too vague <3333