#the bad news: my stepdad has covid. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

valkerymillenia · 3 years ago

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Do you know how messed up my life has been? Someone said I had to be making it up because no one person could have that much bad luck, but guess what? My whole life has been damn cursed, nothing has ever been great, lately it's a just a case of that bad snowballing out of proportion.

I need to vent, so just in bullets points, let's sum up the things that happened in my life just since covid started (can get a little triggery).

-my workplace (a national magazine) shut down and i lost my job (and as a writer and translator I got paid by each article and not a salary so not entitled to unemployment)

-my part-time (at a spa) went bankrupt because the owner just wanted an excuse to move away (also couldn't get unemployment benefits)

-cousin committed suicide

-our house debt piled up due to unexpected maintenance on our building and continued to pile with interested and every new yearly fee

-all my saved up money i wanted to use to get my driver's license went to the house debt and only made a mild debt

-pandemic started

-dad went through surgery to see if he could walk again (which ultimately failed) and became exclusively dependant on me, he's also deaf so i have to handle every single one of his official issues to serve as translator

-an old abuser started trying to reconnect with me

-dad got denied governmental aid

-mom and stepdad both got covid and i was too far away to help, end up using what little money i had again to make sure they had food and medication

-dad got caught driving without a valid license (due to a misunderstanding) and got a gigantic fine and sent to court

-we ended up survive on 300€ a month from my dad's disability plus any tidbits I can freelance

-car broke down and needed a new radiator

-my uncle/godfather died of covid

-my cat died

-car broke down again, needed a new battery

-dad gets denied retirement pension for the decades he worked abroad

-i had to stop my medication because i couldn't afford it, I'm in agony

-one of my doctors dislikes me and is very ableist and blocking a chance i could get government (financial) help for my health

-we accumulated another debt with a cable company that is not our fault, it's the new company's fault but no matter what we do or how we complain all our evidence gets ignored and we can't afford legal help to go to court

-my sister had a massive breakdown and had to be put on disability, immediately got fired and I worry for her deeply

-at the same time my bf also had a massive breakdown and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD (again, I'm worried)

-my gf was told to leave her house because her landlord is sick of dealing with tenants and wants to sell the building, she has until the end of the month and still hasn't found a place

-my little cousin, who I'm very close to, contracted meningitis, had brain surgery, was in a coma for weeks (right through Christmas and new years), woke up unable to speak or walk properly, after more weeks of treatment he was released only to immediately return for more surgery due to acute infection, I've been distraught and I desperately want to see him but i can't afford the trip atm

-dad received the court sentence of 6 months suspended license and 400€ fine that we still can't pay

-DMV stone walling us for 8 months and counting (over just for a simple test to fix my dad's license)

-TV broke

-car broke down again, multiple broken parts this time, close to 500€ for repairs

-my aunt's Alzheimer's progresses so much that she no longer recognizes anyone

-my biological father has massive heart failure and is currently bedridden and likely dying but i can't go see him because he lives in another continent and i can't afford to eat, much less go see him one last time

-all debts still crushing us and piling up because we are literally surviving on scraps

And these are just the big ones, there's so many other small things just crushing my spirit. My confidence is dead, I haven't done any of my hobbies (except writing) in years, I have nothing good to look forward to, I'm sick but all i do is take care of everyone else.

I'm just at the end of my rope, ok?

#rach rambles #venting #bad luck #FML #no really fuck my life

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bots-and-cons · 3 years ago

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Ramblings part ???

I had a meeting with my job/study counselor today and I applied to some schools. I was so freaking nervous for it and I still am since there will be an entrance exam I will have to take if I happen to get into one of the schools. The exam would be at the start of November and then there are also interviews and stuff from the school. If I do get to a school, I would have to move and that’s a whole other hassle on it’s own, but we’ll see. I kinda hope I don’t get to any of the schools I applied to, even though it would obviously be good for me to go to school again. If I don’t get to any of the schools, I would just apply again in the spring when there are more options. Like a fuck ton more options. At least it’s done now, and I don’t have to worry about it.

I haven’t really been able to write much, because I haven’t slept enough in the past two weeks. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares and it’s really annoying, sometimes it gets so bad that I wake up at night in a bad panic. I’ve been trying to help my sleeping with some meds, but I don’t really have anything specific for sleeping except melatonin, and that doesn’t really help with the nightmares. I do have my stronger anxiety medications, but I don’t want to use it all the time, because that’s not how it’s supposed to be used and you can get addicted to it pretty easily.

I’m worried about my younger brother T. He hasn’t been to school much lately and when he does go, he comes to my apartment after lunch and doesn’t go back to school. T and my dad have some issues too and I hate that I can’t help them resolve their problems, even thought it’s not really my job or anything. My other brother E, started school at the beginning of August in a different town, so he lives at the dorms there during the weeks, and comes back to my apartment, where he lived before the dorms, for the weekends. E really likes his new school, and he is doing a double diploma, (at least I guess you would call it that in english), so he is studying himself an actual profession, like specializing in something, and doing high school at the same time. He isn’t sure if can finish the high school part but he’s gonna try.

I worry about my family a lot, and it’s nerve wrecking that I might have to move away from them, since even though I live on my own, I still live close to my dad and T and less then an hour away from my mom, my stepdad and my two youngest siblings.

My best friend has been sick for like two weeks now, it’s not covid-19, she has been tested a few times for it already since she isn’t getting better, but it isn’t really anything serious, just a low fever and some headaches. It suck that I can’t see her and but we’ve been texting and keeping in touch. I miss talking shit with her, and because both of us dislike talking on the phone, we haven’t really been able to do that much. I’m just waiting for her to get better, so she can come visit again.

In conclusion, I’ll try to write more, but it’s a slow process, because of sleep depravation and stress, but you’ll get content one of the coming days.

#ony speaks

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do-i-love-jaal-today · 3 years ago

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Hullo! Aki here. It’s been awhile since I made a personal post, and it’s really only just because I wanted to ask a question...

Would people be alright if I linked my Ko-Fi here?

It ties into a lot of personal stuff that I’ll bring up under the cut, but the TL;DR is: I’ve been unlucky in finding a job. My writing commissions haven’t been going well, either. I can’t go back home for very important reasons. My stuff got stolen, even. Anything would be helpful. (But I also don’t want to just put it there and stress out my followers who didn’t come here for another “please help me” post. Seriously, I wouldn’t judge ya’ll for that.)

So... I’m basically asking, “Would my followers be comfortable if I asked for help?” (I would also be more than happy to do commissions in the world of Mass Effect, for those who’d want something in return.)

...And yes, this is why I haven’t gotten to asks in a long, long while. I’m so sorry about that! OTL

So... I’ll do my best to summarize!

In November 2020, I tried to talk to my mom about some shit the stepdad was doing. (He says a lot of racist... All-phobic shit. Like, xenophobia, transphobia... It’s a lot. I’ve quickly grown to dislike him and avoid him at every opportunity, as talking to him usually ends up in him upsetting me in some way.)

This led to trying to talk about me being nonbinary...and it quickly went from bad to worse. I broke down (in a way that’s embarrassing now, but in the moment, was raw in the heartbreak), my mom didn’t say much aside from saying “they/them doesn’t make sense as pronouns” (she’s now trying to gaslight me and saying I “remembered it wrong”; sure I do), and when stepdad got involved... Well. Worse.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend (and his dad) since. And while the loss of my babysitting job (as well as my then-writing commissions) at the time helped me get money from unemployment... I no longer have that.

I’ve been trying to do online therapy with little effect. (My first therapist encouraged the narrative that maybe “stepdad would’ve been more accepting” of me had I accepted him (he was- and is- incredibly religious and it made me uncomfortable....y’know, bc he used it to justify stupid shit).

I’ve been bouncing between home (here, w/ my bf) and my dad’s apartment for months now. (I haven’t been keeping track; I’m not allowed to stay at the house. His dad doesn’t want me there alone, so I have to go elsewhere during the day.)

My suitcase and an armful of my fave clothes got stolen from my bf’s trunk, as well as my microphone (for VA // VO work) and camcorder (it was in the suitcase). His trunk has a habit of popping open at random...

As mentioned offhand before, I’ve been gaslit by my mom over this. ✌ Saying that being told (by my friends) that she’s a gaslighter was the “worst thing ever” to happen to her. 🙃 Sure, ma’am.

Not long after I talked with her (and rolled with it out of habitually “keeping the peace” and she might still receive my mail on occasion), I had to be the adult with my dad... (He got upset that I told him I wanted to stay 4 days over when my bf got dragged out of state by his dad. I didn’t ask, so he got huffy with me. I ended up staying by myself in a hotel those 4 days...and then had to be like, “Oh, I see. I’m sorry I misunderstood. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t realize I said and not asked...”)

(It feels like complaining to talk about some of these...but I’m already depressed + anxious. I’m also autistic. This whole year, combined with COVID... I’m at my wit’s end. I could sleep the day away and cry all damn day if I had the time. I’m so, so tired. Even if I “need” to be an adult right now and it’s only logical that I step up to the plate with my parents as an adult all my own... It’s so difficult.)

...I hope this made sense! I’m just... In need of help.

If anyone wants to know where their money would go, it’d primarily end up:

food

apartment

+ things for the apartment

saving up for an iPad + pen (I’m debating if I want a new tablet or if I just wanna....start drawing on iPad)

getting another microphone (so I can apply for VO // VA jobs)

clothes

a comfort item (just one!! I’m waiting to buy a plush of a comfort character I can take with me to and from my dad’s house to help keep me sane)

But...yes. Is this something people would be okay with? Or should I just...not do it? (PLEASE know it’s ok to not be comfortable w/ this! This blog has been about ya’ll from day 1 and I’m not gonna stop now, even amidst all of this.)

#AkiMod speaks #transphobia tw #[ask to tag]#[idk if I need other tags here tbh]#[pls let me know if I do!!]#[there's asks I want to get to at some point...]#[but man.....I've been drained]#[and so so tired lately]#[it's been hard]

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sarahwyland · 4 years ago

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It’s sick that there’s a version that Nick walks out on his kid or where Sabrina refuses to let him see him or her. It’s an AU I know you like writing angst, but keep the characters in character from who they are based on. Deeply saddened and just offended. Nick wouldn’t walk out on his kid. Nor would Sabrina refuse to let him near said kid. If you’re going to write the single fic go with the other.

I’m sorry you feel this way and I’d like to talk a little more about this fic idea because of some of the comments I’ve received about it. This is lengthy, but I feel it’s important, as a writer and a person, to dig into this more.

I do like to write angst. I like to explore the darker parts of our characters. Because they all have very dark sides to them. That’s what drew me to Sabrina - the depth and dimension of some of these characters and the boldness of the stories they told, particularly in parts one and two.

We like to focus on the love Nick and Sabrina have for one another, the attraction, the connection. But Sabrina has faced loss, abandonment (who else’s heart broke when Edward said he didn’t want her?), and Nick has faced a world of trauma, shown a tendency to lean on alcohol and drugs to cope. Hell, he committed suicide. Some view that as a grand romantic Shakespearean gesture. I don’t. I view it as someone who a hurt and darkness they couldn’t conquer. Sadly, I think we all know people who have lost their lives because their internal struggles were just too much. My mom’s favorite cousin is one of those people. He suffered from deep depression and PTSD. My stepdad’s nephew is another. He was transgender in a family that “doesn’t believe in that.” I will go to the mat over mental health, over access to care, and the stigma around speaking up when you’re hurting. Advocating for mental health is a big part of my life you don’t necessarily see on Tumblr.

As a writer, those dark sides, those things we each have in us, no matter how sunshine and daisies we are, are what gives our characters dimension. It’s what gives them an emotional journey and makes the reader/viewer want to root for them - or hate them. It’s what makes you look at a Nick or a Sabrina or a Prudence or a Zelda and see yourself in them, the good and the bad. I won’t apologize for exploring these darker parts or for tossing around thoughts and ideas with my “internet friends” about stories I may or may not share.

If this version of this story ever sees the light of day, it will likely not be in this fandom. I only wrote a handful of pages, exploring as I tend to do. At this point, I’ll give the characters new identities and write a manuscript or a pilot that will either live on my laptop forever or land me a Netflix deal.

On a more personal note, I, like many of you who also write, tend to “write what I know.” I know a lot about addiction and mental illness, not as a professional, but as a person who has been deeply affected by it. I have anxiety that tends to manifest itself at the most inopportune times. I’ve had panic attacks that have put me in the ER. I’ve alluded to the suicides that stemmed from depression my family has experienced.

A lesser known but not secret fact about me is that my dad, who I love and adore and will swear hung the moon, is an alcoholic. He’s been in the hospital due to alcohol withdrawal twice in the last year. The first time he nearly died. Delirium tremens (DTs) is a terrifying thing to witness. I imagine it was even more terrifying for him to go through. Two weeks ago, while I was posting prompts and updating ‘The Hunted’ and lamenting how I’m going to shoot a short film in a pandemic with all the COVID rules, I was also fielding calls from the other side of the country from my dad’s doctors, giving me updates and discussing his treatment plan moving forward, AA meetings, psychiatrists... I also had to sign an advanced directive for him - just in case.

I see him struggle with his addiction. I also watched him stay sober for more than 20 years, only to relapse when he lost his sister to a nasty battle with cancer a few years ago and then struggle to regain that sobriety. He’s a good man who works hard, has done well for himself, loves his family, takes care of his 93 year old mother, calls me to ask if i’ve remembered to get my oil changed (the answer is always no), but he’s also an addict and he’s done things I would have never thought he’d do while under the influence. Even 20+ years sober, he was always an addict.

And so, this very long note to say this fic would have been bigger than “Nick left his pregnant girlfriend.” It would have been a story about a man who has struggled with addiction, who made mistakes, who still carries the love he had for a girl with him in hopes that he can redeem himself in her eyes and be the man he so wants to be, and about a girl who faced loss and heartache at a young age, who tried with all she had to help the man she loves, only to learn the very hard lesson that you can’t help someone who isn’t ready to be helped. It would have told a story about overcoming those obstacles and making a life from the ashes.

You probably didn’t bargain for this long of a response, probably didn’t bargain for an answer at all. But for reasons I can’t wrap my head around, this single mom fic idea that’s popped into my inbox a few times over the last year from various folks causes chaos (no pun intended) and I felt the need to explain the rational behind a story that I doubt I’ll ever publish in this format.

I always encourage sharing of opinions. But I also encourage the sharing to be done with grace and kindness and for criticism to be constructive, feedback helpful. My inbox is open.

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faeriesuns · 4 years ago

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have anything to distract me or make me feel better about myself? just got really embarrassed to the point of feeling ill and i can't stop thinking about it

Hmmm I'll just ramble if that's okay with you, hopefully it helps 💚

so I'm doing 3 embroidery projects right now and I'm still really new to this craft and it's just. A Lot. I'm doing a llama one for me grandmother bc of an inside joke, I am doing one that says Blessed with flowers around it for my other grandma, and I'm making a hopefully cute project for my best friends birthday. I am using a lot more embroidery thread than I thought it would take

But I really do enjoy it, even though I don't have much time to do so during the day. Luna, my puppy, is still very young and needs almost constant watching.

One of my grandma's is 83 years old and I'm working mostly on her project because I'm paranoid that she's gonna die soon. Hopefully not and hopefully it's just my paranoia, but she is very old and still works a lot. I worry about her very much

Oh I was also talking to my mom and in the fall I am going to go to GED classes and finally get a highschool diploma (≧▽≦) I'm really insecure about being a highschool drop out. But I need to get it done. I wanted to do it last year but covid hit and they were only doing online classes. I hate online classes they just don't work for me, so I didn't get it done last year

Next year my mom and I are moving into my stepdads house and he's been doing repairs and stuff for my room in the attic. I'm super excited to move and be able to paint and decorate my room. I'm just really sick of living in the house we are currently in. It has some bad memories

I am currently thinking about painting the walls sage green and maybe with copper accents (?) and I'm thinking about buying mushroom lights. Idk we won't even be moving until next year and I haven't even seen my room yet so I don't really have an idea of what it looks like. I'm just super excited!!!

Hm....oh I took Luna out back to potty and there was a momma duck and her little duckies following her. I hope she's okay, we don't live by any open water like a lake. I think they need those to survive? Maybe not I'm not sure

I got a new psychiatrist and I don't think I like her very much. The um.. company (?), that handles my meds and therapist are always having people leave or only work there for three months, so I have to repeat my life story everytime I see a new psychiatrist. But she's the only women left so I'm not gonna ask for a different one. I just don't like her vibes. I love my therapist though she's so sweet and encouraging and she's interested in my hobbies and life and I am just really glad to see this women, she makes therapy funny and less stressful. I am a bit sad about not being able to continue seeing her after we move.

Hmmmmmmm......

Last night I made enchiladas for dinner following my mom's instructions and it was fine but my mom's is a lot better. That reminds me, tomorrow I need to clean the kitchen

Oh!!!! Tomorrow I am getting my 2nd vaccination!!!! I am super excited about it, and I have a cute outfit that I'm gonna wear tmrw

I really want to learn how to crochet but I just don't have the time.

Oh I am looking on Etsy and I think I'm gonna buy some hair beads and spirals, I think they are super pretty

Oh!!! I got hair dye so I need to dye my hair soon. The color I'm using is coppery red. It's very coppery I like it

Sorry I think this is all I can say

I really hope I managed to distract you. I hope everything works out 💚

#gracie talks #asks #thanks so much for the ask!

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oregon-barbi13 · 3 years ago

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So Far

We have had a lot going on in our lives. So We went up to Kamiah, Idaho just before Father's Day. We surprised my father in law with the visit. It was nice to see his reaction. :)

Well during our visit we helped friends move, which was no problem really, many hands make for light work. Tuesday we hung out with just dad and mom and we went sight seeing and fishing. Akasha and I didn't end up doing a lot of fishing, we spent our time fighting a drift wood tree.

We headed home on Wednesday. Which wasn't all bad, I got a phone call asking if I'd be interested in a job at a local grocery store, which was awesome. I interviewed Thursday morning. Great! Then we were about 45 minutes from home when we got the second phone call. It was Akasha's Grandma. Seems Grandma's sister and brother, my daughters Great aunt and uncle have COVID-19 and are in the hospital. Grandma might have to go in too. Auntie had to have surgery and she had to be brought back. Grandma hung up the phone.

My daughter told us what had happened and what it meant. It meant no Father's Day, it meant no possibility of good bye. and most important, it meant no closure. Thursday, I interview, I got the job. Thursday we got a call about Grandma going into the hospital. Friday rolls around and still no word. Saturday, my daughter goes to my sister's house. Her cousin is helping keep her mind off the crap that's 100% out of her control. Well, that evening I got a phone call that Auntie had to have a second surgery and she wasn't doing too well.

Sunday, we got the dreaded phone call. Auntie had passed away at 3 am. My daughter was pretty upset, honestly I would've been more worried if she hadn't reacted at all. We went to church and her bonus mom Debby called me. "Hey is there anyway Akasha could come over, I'm sure it would brighten her father's day?" Sure no problem. I know my ex well enough that when he shuts down and he goes inside himself it's dangerous. It's the same for his daughter. They have very explosive anger.

So my daughter stays until Tuesday evening. Wednesday she goes to Girls Camp. I go to work. My husband is left to do the running around. Taking girls to their activities and our Bug to gymnastics etc. Well I asked him to bring the girls to work so I could see them. He was running nearly an hour late. I was worried, but he finally showed up. He came in clearly physically upset. I asked him what's up? He answered with "Can you please take a break?" "Yeah of course, just as soon as my co-worker gets back from her break" "Okay thank you". Now ya'll my husband doesn't normally say thank you for something like a break... unless it's something super bad and super serious. So now I'm on high alert.

Well come to find out my mother in law has been back in here where we live for quite some time. And Wednesday just happened to be convenient enough for her to tell her son that his stepdad has three different cancers along with colon cancer. I'M AT WORK! I cannot deal with this right now. My life is falling apart because of what's going on with my ex in laws. I can't handle this too.

Now, I'm sitting here and I am trying desperately to figure out why and how families can be so heartless. My mother in law/that family, has done this to my husband EVERY SINGLE time someone from "THAT" side of the family has died. They tell him, "Hey so and so has only so long left" full well knowing that had they just picked up the phone sooner my husband could've had more time with whoever it was. Instead they leave him with the guilt of not spending enough time. They did it with his grandmother, his grandfather and now his stepdad. It pisses me off to no end.

How can you be so heartless? To tell someone "Hey, so and so is dying" and then not check on him? Not take the time out to see how it is effecting him? Do you think that that kind of news won't effect him? Do you think that he's just as heartless as you? My husband has spent the better part of 20 years in a love/hate relationship with this stepdad. I feel like that is the way it is with every stepparent relationship. It's a love/hate depending on mood or even time of day.

So to tell someone something like that and then just drop them like a hot potato is bullshit in my opinion. Makes me just irritated. To top it off they told my husband, "Don't tell your father or your brother" Don't tell the two people that will give you the support that you need. Don't tell the two people that can help you work through you're emotions. And make sure your wife doesn't tell a single soul either, because she has Facebook.

Yall, the last time I actually hung out on Facebook, ugh, it's been a minute. I have better things to do with my time. Anyway. I'm trying to process.

None the less, because it is me and my husband's relationship and we've been together going on 13 years, I have gotten to know my husband's patterns pretty well. He bottles his emotions up. He bottles em up because ain't nobody gonna help him work through them.

So we ended up fighting pretty bad yesterday (Friday). I always feel bad when he and I fight. I never want to hurt him. He never wants to hurt me. We are both still learning. We're learning effective communication. We're learning how to say certain things and we are also learning to how validate each other's feelings. We grew up in a time that our parents scheduled fights, made sure the kids weren't home so they could make up as loudly as they needed to later.

So we fought. Now, I don't care who it is, every single person who's been in a fight with me knows how physically draining it is. I say some pretty hard to swallow truths. I am not Willy Wonka, I don't sugar coat anything. When you are being stupid I will call you out on it. When I have had enough I will leave or I will simply smile and say, "Are you done yet?"

I don't fight fair either.

To watch my husband be in such pain that he would rather be cruel to me than to open up to me and simply state, "I am no okay, I'm hurt because people seem to think that this kind of thing doesn't effect me and it does very deeply." Men! *insert eyeroll* So, I called his brother, ya know, the one we're not supposed to tell. I called him and asked him to just be there for his little brother right now, because I have a different way of looking at this whole situation than they do and neither one of them likes it.

I am of the mind that hey, you get what you get and don't throw a fit. If you are a shit human being in life and you KNOW you are a shit human being and you don't try to change it, instead you use the slogan, "Eh, I'm too old to change my ways" screams you are a narcissist. That is totally unacceptable. For someone to sit there and tell another human being that they aren't allowed to grieve with someone who understands them is also unacceptable. To try to control someone's life the way they've tried controlling ours.

Look I am all for respecting someone's wishes, but when it comes to cutting someone off from the only support they have, how can you do that to someone? And for what? Because you have a grudge? Dude you're dying drop the bullshit mask and fucking die in peace. Let shit go!

I'm sorry I have rambled on enough. But there ya have it. A look at what's been going on in my life thus far. I just simply wish everyone a day. Have whatever day you think you deserve. I love you all.

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junior-goddess · 4 years ago

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Ok, so a few months ago I tried to confide in my mom about how my supposed best friend had earth-shatteringly betrayed my trust and exploited a traumatic experience for me, and her response was “oh, I forgot. Anytime someone does or says something you don’t like they’re ‘being mean to you.’” and this honestly was such a stab in my heart (which I let her do to me repeatedly bc I yearn for her love and acceptance, but that’s another issue). She is constantly manipulating and gaslighting me, invalidating my feelings at any and every chance she gets. So now set the stage for tonight with this memory fresh in your mind.

At dinner every night for over a week my stepdad has asked how we’re all feeling about thanksgiving (specifically if we’re comfortable with my brother and his girlfriend, and my stepdads three kids plus one of their partners coming to dinner). We have all said we’re okay with it, every night for a week (I’ll get into why later). The household is currently me, my little brother, my mom, and my stepdad. I nanny once a week and my little brother leaves once a month to buy food for his lizard. That’s all we do, but my parents are different. My mom has 20 different students come to our home each week for private instrument lessons (she did stop for like a month and a half at the beginning of the pandemic), with both parties wearing masks, washing hands when they come in, and sanitizing doorknobs and instruments in between each student (not good but could be worse). My stepdad has not changed his work routine in the slightest and goes in to work 5 sometimes 6 times a week. Most of his department (sales) works from home at least partially, but he claims he can’t because he has to do inventory (which is maybe 4 hours of his entire work week). He’s had 2 ‘scares’ and one test since the pandemic started because he was potentially exposed to the virus from his coworkers when they were in office, but everything was negative. He didn’t disrupt his work routine for this and still went into the office daily.

In addition to this current schedule of our work lives, each potential thanksgiving guest group has been over before during the pandemic. My brother and his girlfriend have visited twice from the next state over. They do not leave their house other than grocery runs and the visits to us. My step sister A has been over once or twice for dinner. My step brother has come over once a week+ since the start of the pandemic, despite having several ‘scares’ (he is a hypochondriac and also just dramatic. All of his tests have been negative). He still goes in to work every day and sees his friends. He claims he wears a mask during all of this socializing but I would be willing to bet serious money that that’s a load of bullshit. My stepsister B and her boyfriend have been over once or twice since the pandemic began as well, but we are pretty confident they make no health concious choices and know they do not wear masks the majority of the time. They claim they already had COVID (despite testing negative when they thought they were sick and ignoring the possibility they could get it more than once). And once during September we had all of the mentioned parties at our house for lunch. We were seated outside but still right next to each other. And at no point during any visits have either my siblings/step siblings worn masks, even when it was all 10 us in September.

So now the issue is, my brother wants to come see us for thanksgiving with his girlfriend. My mom has okayed this but stepdad doesn’t trust stepsister B and her partner so now wants to cancel any visits to make it ‘fair’. I want to see my brother and honestly don’t give a fuck about the step siblings. My stepdad has been trying to ‘convince’ us to tell him to cancel thanksgiving so he can do it without feeling bad, making it just the 4 of us in my household. He told us the state my brother is from ‘has gotten so bad they’re completely shutting down again’ which we (we being myself, my mom, and little brother) know isn’t true and that they’re being preemptive to combat any surges because of the holiday. Since he couldn’t convince us that way, next he brought up that cases are surging in my state with over 7,000 new ones yesterday, which while true, is misleading because those cases are mostly on the other side of the state from us. Our area is doing relatively well. Next he tried to say that even his boss cancelled his thanksgiving, but left out the fact that their holiday was going to have over 30 people there from all over, and has now been cut to just their household, which is not much smaller than our group. And In his final attempt to sway us, he said 2 of his coworkers just got it, but failed to mention that they were in a different department on the other side of the building that he’s had no contact with.

So after a week of him asking us and lying and making himself anxious, I explained to him that I still wanted to see my brother and failed to see how he was going to tell him he couldn’t come. To me, my stepdads not taking the appropriate precautions because he still goes in to work when he doesn’t have to and wears a mask everywhere but his desk, yet has still been exposed now 3 times. More than that, he’s had each member of the family over separately, AND EVEN ONCE ALL TOGETHER. If he was really that worried he wouldn’t have done any of those things. I didn’t really have a say in any of the other visits, but he asked how I felt about this one and I was honest. We’ve already done it, and if he doesn’t want his kids there at thanksgiving bc he doesn’t trust them, then he shouldn’t punish my brother for that and he needs to work it out himself.

Well, apparently he felt like I was making fun of him and making him out to be over reacting (which I think he is but whatever) and that hurt his feelings. So my mom came down to my room to condescend to me and tell me. I don’t think I was rude, sarcastic, angry, or mean in anyway. I was just being honest about how I felt and why, and I relayed it respectfully (not it like a tone or anything). I told my mom I didn’t understand why he accused me of making fun of him, and, get this, this woman said to me “well those are his feelings. You hurt his feelings”. Like, ARE YOU KIDDING?

So basically this was just a novel length explanation to why I’m now boiling with rage. I really need to know if I’m right and she actually is being pretty fucked up, or maybe am I over reacting? I honestly can’t tell, all I know is I’m offended and upset with her for treating me like this.

Also, I don’t think I was mean to my step dad at all. Does it sound like I was? Do I need to apologize or something? My mom is so passive agessive and she’s the only one who raised me so I genuinely do not know or recognize anything below absurdly mean and horrendous behaviors.

If anyone can offer some insight/clarity to this situation from an outside perspective that would be fantastic. And any tips for surviving until I get a job and can move out (other than killing myself :) ) would be greatly appreciated.

Tldr; I hate my parents and want outie

#personal

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eternaleve · 4 years ago

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Watching A Broken Frame music videos for the first time!

Carrying on with my Depeche Mode video rewatch project with the vids for A Broken Frame (first post is found here https://eternaleve.tumblr.com/post/624649762286780416/ive-spent-the-course-of-covid-lockdown-cycling)

I looked through my vinyl and found I did not steal my mother’s Depeche Mode singles from this album (I only stole all her Elvis Costello and Joy Division and a bunch of Japan singles which I suspect she snuck to me in hopes of making me like them) but they are all mysteriously gone. My abusive stepdad recently moved out and I have thoughts about what property he took, but this just seems petty.

Anyway, let’s talk about A Broken Frame! Vince Clarke left the band to go and be the Paul McCartney of 80s electronic music, forming Yazoo and Erasure. Apparently he did not like success and touring and stuff, which is far because it’s a lot of pressure, so he’s out and Alan Wilder is in after responding to an ad in Melody Maker. Remember music journalism? He joined as a tour keyboardist and appears in the videos for the album, but didn’t contribute to the album.

A Broken Frame was released eleven months after Speak & Spell, which doesn’t seem to be enough time to me for a band to create another whole album's worth of material. It just seems that a band spends a few years perfecting their sound and a selection of songs, and then a record label says, ‘Great! Now do the same thing, but in a much shorter timeframe, under much more stress, and in snatched moments between being shuttled from gig venue to gig venue!’. I understand there’s a ~hype train~ that music acts have to follow, because bands can slip out of notice so fricking quickly, but the pressure does not seem set up to maintain the mental and emotional well-being of people. I’m sure nothing like that will happen in the history of this bad though!

This album cover is considered one of the world’s greatest photographs for a reason. It’s stark and beautiful and has echoes of socialist realism and is just a really striking image. I don’t know who has final say over art direction in the band but whoever does has a great eye for images. The picture is taken over by Duxford and as I’m from the Midlands I have been to Duxford on a hundred school trips (it has a big air centre with WW2 planes and things and bits of the Berlin Wall), so I’ve probably been past this field an uncountable number of times without even realising it.

See You (Jan 1982, No 6 UK charts)

I like how it looks like fuzzy felt. It feels very, very different from the singles art from the last album, I guess to indicate a clear difference in direction? Maybe? This is the first single for the band written by Martin Gore and starting his reign as songwriter.

All the music videos for this album were directed by Julien Temple and are Not Liked by the band. I generally quite like Julien Temple’s work and watched a lot of it as a teen (stepdad being hugely into the Pistols), so I am intrigued to say the least how these will turn out to be.

This does give me a bit of a nostalgia kick for an old-fashioned style train station. It’s pretty much what my home station used to look like before everything was privatised, bought out by Virgin, turned bright red and full of commuters. I like how the station sparks to the beat of the music and that someone okayed an actual spending budget for this time around.

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE STATION THE PHOTOBOOTH IS HAUNTED

Not going to lie, this looks 100% like my Dad’s first ever passport photo. I like the addition of the bowtie. It adds a real ‘First Communion’ vibe to the whole look. The nose stud… well, I had a nose stud at the exact same period of my life. Same age too, I think, only mine stayed around a lot longer when it definitely should not have done.

It was at that moment he knew he had made a grave mistake in confronting the ‘Telephone Box Killer’ on his own.

Insert a standard ‘Original Selfie’ joke here. The use of the photobooth gives a cute little through line in the video, as well as giving other band members a chance to be present. I remember using photobooths to take fun photos, before they started costing so much goddamned money and put them only in the most inconvenient places. I still have a bunch that I keep in my purse.

… And now everyone’s working an office job? To show the passage of time? Or because it’s now a bit with music, so we’re showing the use of keyboards through office equipment that sort of requires you to make similar hand movements?

Something, something, statement about technology? The photobooth theme was fine! It was cute! It said something about the regret and passage of time from teen to young adult romance! Why are there now a lot of calculators?

Just in case you forgot - the single’s out now. Wink, wink.

But let’s go back and check in with our corporate overlords. Bob, how are you doing on the spyware floor?

… is this Julien Temple? Is it a music video within a music video? Did he put himself in the video? Could this part not have been done by a member of the band? Like, y’know, that new one who was clearly added in partly through this video?

I like the main core storyline of the video - thinking about a past relationship and then happening to run into them again unexpectedly - but I can see why this is perhaps not well thought of. Next one!

The Meaning of Love (April 82, No 12 UK charts)

This reminds me a lot of the cover for the first Adrian Mole book which was published the same year. It does not match the first single at all or the album, but I guess the album art was yet to be done? Or maybe two different departments handled them, because I would have gone with a different single cover if I knew that one of the greatest photographs of all time was in the wings for the album.

Reader, my heart dropped. I knew we were in for some deeply 80s bullshit. And, like, not good 80s bullshit.

This is the lounge act in the cruiseship of my nightmares

Martin Gore there looking like 99% of the lesbians on the DIY punk scene.

What the fuck is going on?

What, and I must reiterate, the fuck is going on? Are those pies? Pie eyes? Pie eye glasses? What does it mean?

Now’s not the time for your science homework, it’s time to film a music video.

Great, I know what image will be repeating in my night terrors tonight. Martin Gore’s face earnestly singing at me from the depths of a paramecium.

THIS JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE. THERE IS NO SITUATION ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET MADE BETTER WITH PUPPETS.

No, my night paralysis nightmare will be Dave Gahan’s face turning into a fucking pie over and over and over again.

Oh, I see, the Meaning of Love is that your wife will turn into a bitter harpy that won’t let you live your dream and also your life is ruined because she keeps letting the puppets sleep in the bed.

I guess the video has a sort of XTC vibe? It does remind me of the video of ‘Making Plans for Nigel’, which I do like, but also this video is fucking awful should be seen to be believed. I liked the band’s awkward choreography which was four men showing how much they did not want to be doing any of this.

Leave In Silence (August 82, No 18)

The font is nice. That’s about all there is to say for this. It doesn’t match the other two singles. I’m not saying everything has to be matchy-matchy, but it is nice to have visual similarity and consistency. This looks like the record label gave up on trying.

Okay, so we’ve got the album art sorted and starting out with a - I guess you could call it ‘low rural farming vocalisation’, and neither of these two things match the other singles or music videos, which have had a very poppy, teen girl, Smash Hits vibe.

This week on The Generation Game, you could win a stainless steel bowl, a cuddly toy, and the lead singer of Depeche Mode!

This video started with a group of people vocalising while pouring out grain and looking very plaguecore, now we’re all playing around on a conveyor belt because I think Julien Temple has run out of ideas and is being artsy and surreal and weird to cover that up.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m sad to say that ‘The Fanciest Little Cowboy’ competition will not be running this year due to a lack of other contestants. This is a very fancy Little Cowboy though.

…. I…. what?

I have seen many bad, bad, bad cursed images in my time, but this is going straight up to the top. What the fuck does this say about the song? The band? The image the record label is trying to project? This pointless weird imagery for the sake of being pointless and weird.

It’s okay, Jess. Bright Red Martin Gore can’t really hurt you. Only haunt you.

And now spacehoppers. Because of course spacehoppers!

The players from Pathologic show up to make a cameo appearance, matching nothing in the video, and seeming wildly out of place with everything else. Pick a theme or story, Julien! It is EITHER the Generation Game OR a terrifying children’s show OR guttural Soviet inspired plaguecore. You can pick one! Not all of them!

The Blue Man Group really had a rough start. The wheat is… just there. Because I guess Julien Temple couldn’t think of how to organically weave it an advertisement for the album. So there’s just a bundle of wheat for no good reason.

By this point, same, mate. That is the only reaction I am having.

These videos were… not great. I think ‘See You’ is the best and most cohesive - it tells a cute little story that ties in with the themes of the song and provides an emotional resonance. And then things just go off the bloody chain a bit. They get weird and experimental in a way that does not work in selling the band or the song. They seem pretty disconnected from what a music video should be and Julien Temple seemed to just run out of ideas by ‘Leave In Silence’. C- Mr Temple, must try harder.

And then onto Construction Time Again! ... well, when I get round to it. In a few days maybe.

#depeche mode #a broken frame #i'm making myself laugh at least #see you #leave in silence #the meaning of love

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ahnsael · 5 years ago

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I’m going to try to come back to tumblr. I left for a bit because it’s been rough with all the virus posts. I get that there are so many of those posts because it’s pretty much the main thing right now, but I can only take so much.

For now, I’m going to use Xkit to turn off reblogs.

There’s only so much I can handle right now. I’m two panic attacks in and while #2 wasn’t as bad because I knew what it was (the first time I literally thought I was going to drop dead before the ambulance got here, but on #2 I knew not to take medical resources away from someone who may need it more than I did after knowing that I wasn’t actually dying like I thought I was the first time). So while I want to be informed (most of you know I’m a news junkie, but I’m literally under doctor’s orders to limit my news intake), I have to try to limit things.

But I’ve missed you all more than you can possibly know.

I would appreciate any posts about the virus being tagged with either #coronavirus or #COVID-19 so I can limit my intake.

I’m not saying that I will not post about it myself, but I will tag my posts in the same way as I did before I needed to back away for a bit.

But you are my friends, and not having you in my life has made my life less enjoyable. So I need to try to be a part of your lives as well. I just...need to step lightly. If I see a post that may send me over the edge, I need to skip it if I realize what it is before I start losing it. But any warnings about it being about this thing would be VERY welcome. I know the coronavirus has kind of become the Voldemort of our time; some people don’t want to use the name when they talk about it. And I absolutely get that.

We are in unprecedented times. And I honestly don’t know how to handle it. My brain is all over the place right now and I don’t know whether I’ll be okay or not in the long run, mentally.

We’ve faced widespread viruses before (I thought the plural would be “virii” but a web search after the squiggly red line under the word I searched it and apparently it’s “viruses”), but it’s never been like this in my lifetime.

Some of you have reached out to me in messages, email, or on other sites, and I cannot tell you the amount of love I have for you. And, honestly, for those of you who are just tumblr friends who don’t know me elsewhere, I have love for you as well. Some of you who have reached out are practically strangers to me, but I follow you on here because your content is important to me as it fits my interests.

But I’m picky about who I follow. Tumblr, for me, is about relationships. I come here because I have friends here. And once in a while, I make a new friend. Some I get to know better than others. But I don’t just accept anyone into my circle. If we’re friends here, it’s because I genuinely like you.

So be gentle with me. I’m two panic attacks into this thing (the first landed me in the hospital because I had never had one before and genuinely thought I was dying within minutes). The second, while not good (and had me use one of my five pills meant to abate such a thing -- I still have four left), I at least understood what was happening and didn’t involve paramedics.

But...I do need to be careful. I don’t want another panic attack. I had never had one before last week, but...if you haven’t had one, I’ll just say they are SCARY AS HELL when you’re having one. Again, I spent hours in the hospital (and, under current circumstances, unable to even have family visit me), and I’m very fortunate that a panic attack was all that it was, but...if you haven’t had a full-blown panic attack, it’s SCARY AS HECK.

As in, I was once robbed at gunpoint and thought the guy was going to shoot me. This was scarier than that. I cannot overstate how much I thought I was about to die. I even told Facebook that I was probably done for. I could barely even move my hands (apparently that was from hyperventilation) but I have co-worker friends on Facebook and wanted them to know why I wasn’t at work whenever we are able to reopen. This is literally what I posted at the time:

I struggled before that to text my little sister to tell her that I loved her, after saying it to my mom in person. I literally thought it was my last chance to say it to both of them, and while I have more friends here than on Facebook, it was toe coworker thing that made me choose to post what I thought was my final goodbye there instead of here. I didn’t have the strength or the control of my hands to try to make a second post here. As I said, I thought I was going to drop dead before the ambulance got here.

Stepdad and Mom tried to get me to sit down, but I refused -- I honestly thought that if I let myself sit or lie down, I would never again stand up. Willing myself to stay upright, I thought at the time, was the only chance I had. I didn’t even want to get on the gurney for the ambulance ride for the same reason, but it’s not like one can stand up in an ambulance (and while it wasn’t a “lights and sirens” ride, the driver took curves and I almost fell off the gurney a couple times -- my legs were strapped in, but not my upper body, and I had to brace myself a few times to keep from falling off).

I was SO happy to be able to text my mom and my little sister to tell them that I was going to be okay and able to come home that day (last time I was at this hospital, it was for three days and two blood transfusions).

My sis had texted after my initial text to say that there was SO much that she wanted to say to me (which she has since said) but that she didn’t know whether I would have been able to reply (for the first bit, I would not have been physically able to -- it was all I could do at the time to send her the “I love you” message but I would rather die trying to tell her that than to leave it unsaid), or if I would be able to due to being in the hospital (and for the next couple hours, that WAS the case, even after my hands stopped seizing up and shaking uncontrollably).

I mean, I had an Evil Stepdad with a gun. I’ve been robbed at gunpoint. And yet this still stands out as the scariest moment of my life.

Maybe that makes me a wimp. Maybe it doesn’t. But tumblr has been my go-to social media for at LEAST a decade (granted, I have switched accounts once or twice).

I cannot get through this alone. And while I have Twitter and Facebook, both are mostly Disney (and on Facebook, the addition of coworkers). But y’all, my tumblr friends, know me better than anybody else. So I appreciate your support during these times, which some of you have already shown.

As a favor, I ask that you tag relevant posts with #coronavirus and/or #COVID-19 so I can limit how much the current situation affects me. If you miss one here or there, I get that. But while I like to keep informed (most of you know that I’m an absolute news junkie under normal circumstances and that I’m usually on top of things), I’m literally under Doctor’s orders to try to avoid news right now, but I also want to know the basics.

I’ve lived through an abusive stepdad who once tried to kill my mom. I’ve lived through natural disasters. I’ve lived through a LOT. I could probably come up with better examples if I had the mental energy. But I’m at my breaking point, and I’ve crossed that breaking point twice now and it would be a shame if I put myself over that edge again when there are so many other things that can do so.

I’m tentatively back, because I miss all of you. But that could change, because I need to take care of my mental health and avoid going over that edge again. Twice is MORE than enough.

No matter how you take this post,,whether you still support me or think I’m being a wimp, please be kind to one another in general and STAY HOME when you can (and when you cannot, PLEASE practice social distancing -- it’s only by us taking this seriously and supporting each other that we get through this).

And I mean this with absolute sincerity: I thank each and every one of you for being a friend. If we are friends here, we are friends in real life as far as I’m concerned. And the reason I’m friends with you is because you make my life better by being a part of it.

#coronavirus #COVID-19

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years ago

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09/19/2021 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 30:12-33:9, Galatians 5:1-12, Psalms 63:1-11, Proverbs 23:22

Today is the 19th day of September welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I am Brian it is wonderful to be here with you every day, but on these days when we’re starting a brand-new week together we can think about all that hasn't happened yet, and it's…I mean you can do this every day, every month, but it's a fresh start and we get to choose what this week is going to look like. And let's choose wisely by continuing our journey together around the Global Campfire and taking the next step forward together. That leads us back to the book of Isaiah. Today Isaiah chapter 30 verse 12 through 33 verse 9. And we will read from the EHV, the Evangelical Heritage Version this week.

Prayer:

Thank You, Father for Your word. Thank You for bringing us this far. Eight and half months now. And every day You have been faithful, every day You been patient and kind, every day You have walked with us through all of the things that we get ourselves into and all of the things that come our way, that were unexpected. You are always present, and we are grateful. And, so, come Holy Spirit as we begin this brand-new shiny sparkly week. Lead us into all truth. Lead us on the narrow path that leads to life. Be a lamp to our feet and a light to our path, we ask in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hey, DABbers this is Micah in Awe Kansas City. Today I was watching this show about mothers in jail and it really had made claustrophobic feeling for them and just felt this pressure and pain they had of not being able to do anything in there and it got me thinking about believers that could be locked up unright…unjustly and just everybody in jail but especially our brothers and sisters in jail, how much of a mental struggle that would be. And I remembered there was a scripture that said we should be praying for our brothers and sisters in jail. I found it. I want to read it real quick. It's Hebrews 13:1-3. Well…this isn't the exact __ spot but anyway. Keep on loving one another as brother and sister. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers for by doing…so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison period and those who are mistreated as if those of you yourselves were suffering. So, today I just want to ask all of you to join me in a movement to pray for our brothers and sisters in jail and even for unbelievers in jail, that God would draw them to himself. And I believe with many prayers going up God can…God will move some things around and maybe we can get some of these people set free. Let's pray particularly for that. Lord we ask this morning or whatever time it is for all these people, we ask that you see these people's cause and see their plight, see what they've done. And we ask for mercy Lord. If they're innocent or if they're not deserving to be in jail for this longer a period, we ask for you to set them free spiritually, supernaturally, send a way that they can be set free and encourage them over their Lord. In Jesus name we pray...

Hello, my beautiful family this is Suzanne calling from Albuquerque. I am calling because I heard Victor from Nigeria call and for whatever reason your plea to be able to come back to the Lord really touched me. You have found the right place. We are home and I just wanted to encourage you to keep listening. This has been one of the most beautiful things that's happened. I mean it's really transformed my life listening to Daily Audio Bible. I had been around for well over 10 years. I lost count after seven years. And I just…it has helped me become so grounded and helped my…my confused mind just to have a much clearer direction. And just to be able to listen to this when I get up in the morning and I'm getting ready for the day and sometimes I'll go back and listen to the certain things later. Sometimes I miss it but then I just try to listen to two the next day or…but I just…it's been such a blessing. And, so, you have found home and we are opening our arms for you. Just know that we are supporting you and listening and loving you. And I know that Jesus is so…there was no accident you found us. So, welcome home brother, Victor in Nigeria.

This is __ from __ again. I just wanted to call in with a praise report. My wife contracted COVID. I've been through a lot of health issues. I have COPD bad. I'm on the highest dose of Trelegy before oxygen. And ss soon as she contracted COVID, found out she was positive she got her brother, and she was crying. Shes’…tell her brother we've been married 32 years and that she was gonna lose me, and the whole family thought that they were going to lose me. And everybody prayed about it, and I ended up not having it as bad as she did. I just think that the Lord works in mysterious ways and I think He's got something for me planned. I don't know what it is yet but whatever it is I'm more than willing to do it. And then her, my wife's father has COPD really bad too and we really prayed for him. He…he went into the hospital but now he's out of the hospital and he's doing well. I just…I just think that's great and that's just a…the way the world works because. He takes good such good care of us. I just wanted to share that this morning. And I wanted to everyone to know I'm praying for ‘em and I love my DAB family.

Good morning, everyone actually afternoon, or it could be evening where you are at. This is Christy from Kentucky. I wanted to call and share something that happened today that was so beautiful. ASnd I'm like Lord I just want to share this with people who will understand, and I know that my family will understand. I've been having a rough couple days. I guess I’ve got just kind of the Blues a little bit from wondering, is this ever going to end? I'm one of those older individuals that have chosen to isolate and really just try to spend time with the Lord and use this time like turning lemons into lemonade. And but the last couple of days I've kind of been weary. Well, this morning when I got up I went in to make myself a cup of coffee and all the sudden the most beautiful fragrance filled the kitchen and I looked around to see if maybe my husband had, you know, lit a candle or just trying to figure out where this beautiful fragrance was coming from and there was no answer. And then I knew. I knew what was going on. I had the most beautiful moment and it had something playing on my phone and I turned that off and I asked my little Google home hub just to play some worship music. All the sudden this music came on. It was called “back to the altar” __ worship __ and I had the most beautiful moment in the presence of God. And that fragrance, that fragrance, so beautiful. And I just wanted to call and thank the Lord for that moment. I needed to be refreshed. He's so faithful.

Good evening family this is Penelope on Louisville KY and I'm calling this evening to ask for prayer for a dear friend's son. He was shot on Labor Day weekend during a road rage incident, and he is in critical condition in the ICU, and he is an induced coma as they try and allow the swelling in his brain to go down. He was shot through the eye and the bullet passed through his eye and out the back of his brain. And they of course don't know the extent of damage. His skull will need to be reconstructed but he's definitely lost that eye. And it's one of those situations where you are really not sure what to pray. And, so, I'm asking for prayer for miraculous healing and for restoration and for redemption and for the…for his whole family, for my friend who is his stepdad but who has raised him since he was a toddler, for his mother, for his younger brother, and for his grandparents, just for the whole family. They are just all devastated as you can imagine. And…but especially for Rob. He was raised in church as a young child, but I don't know what his relationship with the Lord has been like over the last decade or so. I don't…I don't know. But my prayer is that if he has not accepted Christ as a savior that that will happen. Thank you, family.

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philosworkbench · 4 years ago

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Solopreneurs: What’s your fastest Shower, Ship, Succeed story?

Maybe this term already exists. I have no idea. But here’s what I want to talk about: I had an idea for a new class while in the shower yesterday. I announced I was doing it today. It starts in two weeks. In six weeks, I’ll have a pretty clear picture of how successful it was. That seems like a turnaround that solopreneurs are uniquely positioned to create.

Backstory: My COVID vs. Career Crisis

Disclaimer: My family and I have been extremely lucky during COVID. No one has been sick and no one in my immediate family works in healthcare or has a job that requires going in-person work. So, I’m using the term “crisis” with a tremendous amount of privilege. Still, it decimated my industry and how I used to earn a living.

That all being said, when COVID hit, I lost four months of work in one week. It created a huge void in my life. My entire career was built on live: live training and facilitation using IMPROV. I curled up into a ball and started questioning everything I had done in my life. What did it mean? What was at the center of it. About 6 months and 100,000 words (written only to myself) later, and I had the conceptual model for the PLAY Polarities. It was exhilarating. I had an idea of value that I could share with the world. Something of mine that I could sell myself. Only one problem. I didn’t devise the product. Okay, cool. Here’s a model. Everybody has a model. No one pays for an idea. They pay for an application of an idea.

So, simultaneously as I began telling people at PLAYdates (then TDCocoa) about the idea, I began thinking about ways to productize the insights I had assembled. What’s the coaching package? What’s the training program? Etc.

I think about monetization a lot. Between my cozy white male Gen X upbringing and my life in improv, I didn’t get a lot of good ideas about how to make money happen. As a kid I was told by parents and guidance counselors: “just get a general liberal arts degree and you can do anything.” I even once suggested to my stepdad that I might get a degree in public speaking (which turns out would have been hugely valuable as I spent a lot of time as a presentation skills coach). His reaction?

“Why would you get a degree in how to say something instead of getting a degree in what to say.”

Somehow he thought that was a bad idea but didn’t bat an eye as I selected my major in philosophy. PHILOSOPHY.

From there I went into improv where the general approach to everything is, “let’s just help each other out and everything will be fine.” That’s why the only financially successful improvisers are the ones you recognize on TV or the ones with good day jobs. “It’s a mug’s game.”

Don’t get me wrong: improvisation can help you immeasurably as an entrepreneur. I just didn’t know it and never applied it that way. So, consider it a “mod.” Improv doesn’t necessarily help “out of the box.”

So, I did what I always do and why I’ve devoted myself to facilitating transformational self-improvement -- I started reading books about it. How does one become an “entrepreneur?” How does one “monetize” their intellectual property into a service? How does one “productize” their services into clearly defined products?

That brings me to a nice hot shower.

SHOWER: Surprising Yourself with the Big Idea

I’ve been racking my brain about lightweight products to monetize the PLAY Polarities. I turns out that it’s not enough to say, “I do coaching, training, and consulting.” People don’t just start throwing money at you. You have to clearly identify problems and try solving them.

So you discovered a model that seems to organize individual, team, and organizational improvement priorities. Big deal! Who needs that? Do they know they need that? What are they going to do with that knowledge? How can it make or save them money? I.e. WHY SHOULD THEY PAY YOU?

I’ve been beating my head against the wall about this for weeks. And, without exception, each monetization strategy I come up with occurs to me in the shower. It just pops into my head.

“Eureka! I should do this!”

Disclaimer: My spouse and I are watching the TV show, Eureka, right now. That may be a factor.

So the idea for this new class hit me. I would lead a live, virtual class, reduce the rate in exchange for participants letting me record it and turn it into assets for an asynchronous eLearning.

Okay, but if I’m going to do that, before everyone gets too busy returning to the “real world,” I should do it QUICKLY.

“Like April?” says my Shower Daemon.

“Yes! April!” I reply. And then immediately face anxiety. How do I do that?

SHIP: Lessons from Volunteer Carpentry and Seth Godin

Something else I had to learn on my journey to unexpected entrepreneurship? Execution. Yes, my new company is as an assassin.... ON THE DANCE FLOOR! (Jumps up and down, shakes hips, trips, falls, farts.)

I had to learn what Charan and Bossidy talk about in their book, unsurprisingly called Execution. So you have great ideas? Great. What will you do about them? You plan to sell? How will you sell? How many dials? How many LinkedIn messages? When?

Execution is the lifeblood of business. It’s almost too simple to recognize it’s profundity. Yes, duh, to do something, you must, you know, do something. When I tell you that that simple truism has sabotaged most of my professional life, believe me.

As the Apostle Paul says, “The good that I would do, I do not. The evil that I would not do, I do.”

Or, in the Revised Matt Elwell version, “The work that I wish I would do, I procrastinate about. The desk that doesn’t need to be reorganized for the 80th time, I reorganize again. This is, in fact, the perfect day for it.”

As I said in a PLAYdate this afternoon:

Most people get to the starting line and GO! I get to the starting line and keep trying to redraw the perfect starting line. Job one for me is cultivating the habit of running imperfectly.

So, against every instinct, I announced my class on today’s PLAYdate using a slide I created while the participants were in their breakouts.

There are two places. The first was Habitat For Humanity. I was no carpenter, but my home church had a long history with HFH and I loved the few mission days I spent with them. I learned a lot about handling wood and framing out a house. I learned how to “talk to the nail,” making small adjustments to how you struck the nail to encourage it not bend as you encountered resistance. As someone who was pretty much written off in gym class as an irredeemable fat nerd, this was something physical that I felt competent about.

However, because I felt competent, I started wanting everything I did to be perfect. To garner the compliments and validation that meant so much to me as I started. But no. that positive reinforcement started waning, and people instead started looking at me with their heads cocked to one side. I was taking too long.

That’s when I learned a saying I’ve tried to remind myself of my whole life:

“You ain’t building a piano!”

(This was said to me in deep southern New Jersey, so it was more like, “Yuh-aint-buildin’-uh-pian-urr!” And then someone threw a piece of scrapple at me. True story.)

That simple sentence reminds me that I have made a habit, perhaps a compulsion, of fretting over details most people won’t notice. I’ve often excused this by telling myself that I’m an artist and therefore, I’m not just filling orders.

If you’re prone to excusing your own poor time management in favor of artistry, consider this. Are you making a statement about your art with what you are doing, or making a statement about your fear with what you’re not yet doing? Are you really saying something with the detail you’re burning hours on to get “just right” or are you allowing yourself to avoid something that really does present the greater artistic challenge.

As Stephen Covey observed, “avoid being ‘right in the thick’ of thin things.”

That’s my Habitat for Humanity story. My other influence, which is a much shorter story, is Seth Godin. You can still get his ShipIt Journal for free on his blog. And if you have something worth doing, I would suggest using his guide to help you do it. In Godin’s characteristic manner, he helped me realize how much of my failure to execute was motivated by fear.

If you’re terrified of failing at something, your brain will make sure you don’t, by making sure you never really try. Basically, you brain exists to keep you alive. We’ve evolved to not do things that can endanger our aliveness by experiencing and avoiding pain. So, if you’re afraid of failing, you are experiencing a kind of pain. Brains hate that noise. QED: you never quite get around to it.

So when I’m not channeling the kindly old South Jersey carpenter who said, “you ain’t building a piano,” I channel Seth Godin who calmly informs me through his immaculate demeanor and trademark spectacles, “just get it shipped.”

Telling people about my class today was me “throwing my cap over the wall” to make sure I did what I said. I’m already scared thinking about it. But now it’s a fear of not getting it shipped, not of not getting it perfect. That’s the fear I want.

SUCCEED: Coming Soon?

In improv we have a “rule of threes.” It’s integral to comedy:

Offer something

Add something else which, by its very following of 1, begins to create a possible connection/story

Add a third thing which, by association with the other two things, clarifies the connection and resolves it or launches us on a trajectory

Depending on that third offering, you either have a joke or a scene, but either way, you have a good chance a comedy.

Either way, the third thing is where we start seeing “the product.” The thing thing is the embodiment of “oh, I get it....” For example:

If Player A nods to Player B and says, “Cat” and Player B nods back and says “Dog.” Then a lot can happen.

Player A can say, in a business like manner. “Are any other animals joining us at this business meeting?” Immediately, a lot becomes clear. These people are playing animals. They’re doing some kind of animal business. Hilarious.

Player A can say, “Oh, I love dogs! Isn’t the vet here, great?” The two make small talk while their pets are getting treatment. Eventually, they fall in love. (Player A and Player B. Not the pets. Or Do ThEy!?)

Or, Player C can enter and offer a warm, “Hey, Dog!” to Player B and sit down next to them. Then, they can turn and nod in the direction of Player A with a curt, even cold, “Cat.”. Player B can respond happily, so grateful to be acknowledged. Player A can respond to the frosty greeting in a way that makes Player C visibly shiver: “Helloooooo, Mouse.”

No matter which of those scenes interests you, they would all interest someone. In an audience of 150, at least a few would walk out the door of the theater that night and say, “that one was my favorite. That group was so good. Let’s come back here soon!”

Three beats makes a product. Three beats is something people will buy, buy again, and tell their friends to buy. Three beats is success.

As I embark on this journey of Shower-Ship-Succeed, I think about what I need to get to my third beat. And what occurs to me is a clear picture of what success looks like and a practical understanding of what I need to do in myself, in my actions, in my systems, and in my relationships to make that success happen.

Some people might argue (and they might be right) that you shouldn’t get to ship without having a clear picture of success. And maybe they’re right. But don’t let that stop you from starting the creation or “shipping” process. In fact, I’m finding that all three of these states are iterative. You don’t so much go linearly from one to the other.

You have your “shower moment.” Hopefully, you listen to it and start to work on it. You start getting ready to “ship.” I call that whole process “shipping,” not just the putting-it-on-the-shelf-with-a-price-tag part. As you do that, I believe you get a vision for what this will be and who will like it and then you can start asking why they would pay for it, and that can start you on this cycle.

That might be a question that sends you back to the shower for more.

What about YOUR Shower, Ship, Succeed story?

I started this post with a question and then all this stuff just flowed out. (Hooray, my gift of making first drafts five times longer than they have to be!)

Here’s what I want to know: Have you ever, as a solopreneur, or just a creator of anything, noticed a rapid procession from initial idea (Shower) to making something (Ship) to having a desired result (Succeed)?

What was your fastest time?

What helped you get it done so fast?

What slowed it down?

What did you have to overcome -- in the project and in yourself -- to get it done?

Now that I’ve said all I could possibly say, I’d love to hear your stories!

#entrepreneurship #solopreneur #ship it #seth godin #improvisation #improv

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harryfeatgaga · 4 years ago

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omg the vaccine talk reminds me my grandma is getting her vaccine on friday !!! i’m so excited it seems like something so silly to be excited over but the amount of anxiety i’ve had about the possibility of her catching covid (she’s very high risk and classed as extremely clinically vulnerable) has been unreal and my stepdad should also be getting it in the next couple of weeks !! (he’s also extremely clinically vulnerable)

it’s just such a relief that there seems to be a light at the end of the very long, gloomy tunnel we’ve all been stuck in the past year

anyway sorry for rambling i just wanted to share the good news !! love you miss paige i hope work wasn’t too bad and you’re feeling good today! 🧍‍♂️❤️

yay!!! it is exciting honestly! im glad! I hope my mom can get it soon! my state is saying beginning of feb her age group can get it! and im getting at work on monday! thank you bby you too!

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bbcbreakingnews · 4 years ago

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News24.com | Covid-19: ‘I refused to let go’ – nurse pulls through after being treated at hospital she works

A KwaZulu-Natal nurse who contracted Covid-19 was treated in the very hospital she works.

She says her perspective on patients has changed after realising the little bits of help counted for a lot when she was unwell.

47-year-old Nimmi Biswardutt said a promise made to her sisters and the love for her family kept her fighting spirit going.

A Pietermaritzburg nurse who contracted Covid-19 says being a patient at the very hospital she works helped her realise the little things nurses do, count for a lot.

LIVE | All the latest coronavirus and lockdown updates

Nimmi Biswardutt, 47, a nurse in the cardiothoracic intensive care unit (ICU) at Mediclinic Pietermaritzburg, said her days normally consisted of helping doctors, patients and in general giving back to people. But after contracting the deadly virus, the tables were turned on her.

Her outlook on her industry and the value of the work herself and other nurses do was put into perspective after realising something was amiss earlier this month.

Alarms bells went off when she suddenly lost her sense of taste and smell.

“I could not taste anything and would shiver and had generalised body pain. That’s when I realised something was not right and that I should phone my physician.”

Her doctor told her she had to immediately get to him so tests could be run.

“That’s when it all began.”

Biswardutt said on 9 July her symptoms worsened.

“I just started vomiting and was not feeling well. I really did not want to go into hospital, but my doctor told me I had to because I am a diabetic. I went in and unfortunately, my chest X-ray did not look good and I had to be admitted immediately.”

ALSO READ | Covid-19 peak expected late August, with SA economy to recover in 2 years

She added she needed oxygen and other vital hospital treatment.

“My doctor said he was not taking any chances.”

I didn’t want to die in hospital

Biswardutt said she was apprehensive about being admitted to hospital because of what she witnessed as a healthcare professional.

“You hear about healthcare workers and how so many are getting the disease and I had seen friends in ICU just not getting better. With the new policy regarding visiting, I just didn’t want to be alone and away from my family.”

Biswardutt added the day she was diagnosed, she realised her daughters were also positive.

“My eldest daughter was with me when I was admitted on 9 July, and I could see she was flushed, not doing well. She didn’t want to leave me alone in the ER.”

She said she also just wanted to go home and help her children.

“I knew how they felt. I just wanted to be at home with them. I was lucky that the smallest did not show symptoms, but I was worried about my eldest because I could see she was not well.”

READ | KZN woman ‘heartbroken’ after losing mom, fiancé and stepdad to Covid-19

Luckily, her husband did not contract Covid-19.

“She [the eldest] was not as bad as me and could isolate at home. My husband took her home and took care of them. He got them medication and was so great in keeping them OK.”

As a nurse, I got a new perspective

Biswardutt said she was quite anxious during her hospital stay which lasted from 9 to 20 July.

“I just wanted to know my girls were OK. I was also very emotional. I kept asking myself why I picked it up. We are so careful at work. We’ve worn the right PPE, I’ve been taking multi-vitamins and eating healthy and not going anywhere. It’s so lonely not having your family visit. Video chatting helped.”

She added being a patient and not a nurse was eye-opening while being treated for Covid-19.

“When you are on the other end, you don’t realise how weak and vulnerable you are. For example, waking up to have a shower was such a problem. I had to sit on a chair and try to get my breath and as soon as I go into bed, get back onto my oxygen. I was so tired I could not even do anything. I would just dose off immediately because I was so weak.”

Nimmi Biswardutt with her daughters and husband

Supplied Mediclinic Pietermartizburg

Nimmi Biswardutt, a professional nurse contracted Covid-19 and was treated at the very hospital she works at

Supplied Mediclinic Pietermaritzburg

Biswardutt said she relied completely on her fellow nurses.

“My colleagues were so unbelievable. It was the small things. You are so vulnerable and weak, the care that you get is so important. Something small like just passing me water was a big deal. The love and care that I got helped me pull through.”

She added being a patient at the hospital she worked at helped her appreciate “people and the things in life that you have and the simple things you can do”.

“When those things are taken from you, you realise how much you take for granted. Being on the other end, it was so nice to see the love and compassion the nurses had for me.”

She said the little things counted for a lot.

“Just helping me to the toilet, bringing your water closer, helping me to shower – I mean, all you want to do in the morning is get into the shower and it was so hard to even do that. And then someone helps you to freshen up and put you back in bed. You don’t forget those moments.”

Biswardutt added: “Being a patient, it makes you think of the things you do for your patients and how you can do things differently. We always do our best and try our best to make our patients comfortable. When you experience this, you realise the simplest things you do for people matters the most.”

The pain and poor breathing were too much

She said the worst part of her hospital stay was her third night.

“It was a Saturday night. The generalised body pain that I had would just not go away. It was so intense, all this despite the medication intravenously given to me including anti-inflammatories and pain killers.”

Biswardutt said she maintained her mental fortitude by keeping to a pact she and her four sisters had made.

“Between the pain and trying to breathe, it was too much. My greatest fear was dying in hospital. I am only 47 and I just refused to let go. I lost both my parents when they were 50 and my sisters and I always said to each other, not before 50.”

She emotionally added: “I just said I was not going to let this take me. I was going to fight and overcome it.”

My family also pulled me through

She said her will to survive for her daughters also helped her pull through.

“I said I am never going to let them be without their mother. And I said I will never let go of my family. I just prayed to God and said you can’t let me down.”

Biswardutt said being released from hospital was an incredible feeling.

“I was so overwhelmed. I could not wait to leave. I could not wait just to come home. I was so excited when my doctor said I was going home. I was just so happy to see my family and to know that everything went well.”

She said her daughters did not show many symptoms.

“The little one did not exhibit symptoms, but the big one had a bit of a tight chest, but that has all subsided now.”

People should abide by regulations

Biswardutt said the public should know that not wearing a mask, not staying home and not keeping a distance from others “is not worth it”.

“Protect yourself and protect other people. Don’t be selfish, you don’t want someone else to get sick. You don’t want someone else to suffer and be in pain. After experiencing that, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.”

She said the rules were simple.

“Don’t put people through this pain. Just wear your mask, sanitise, stay at home and keep your distance. That is all you have been asked to do. Nothing else.”

Stay healthy and entertained during the national lockdown. Sign up for our Lockdown Living newsletter. Sign up and manage your newsletters in the new News24 app by clicking on the Profile tab

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#AFRICA

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