#the bachelor Serena p

[satorena]

❛ UNPROFESSIONALISM ! ❜

⟡ content warnings. explicit content. foul language. ceo!satoru. secretary!reader. mentioned past flings. fondlīng. fīngerīng. afab!reader. p in v. unprotected. brēēding. squīrtīng. gojo satoru is his own damn warning. 4.9k.

⟡ serena's note. oh if y’all knew the lengths i went thru just to post this damn fic. . .

“ugh, this is such a painnn!”

“the sooner you finish your paperwork, the sooner you’re off, sir.” you sigh, arms crossed over your chest. you’re used to your boss’ childish antics by now, having worked side by side with him for nearly a year. you check the time on your watch, “work ended about half an hour ago— you might want to hurry up.”

“but y/n!” he drags out your name, voice all whiny and pitched in a telltale manner. he pushes himself off away from his desk, chair rolling back from the impact as he lolls his head back. “this shit is sooo lame. didn’t i hire nanamin to take care of the boring stuff? how come he isn’t here handling this god forsaken load of terrorizing agony?!”

you click your tongue, clutching tighter at the clipboard in your hold. you wonder if he’d been dropped on the head as a child, his lack of self-awareness so painful it makes you reconsider if the check at the end of the week is ever worth it. “he’s scheduled the week off to keep his wife and newborn in check. he signed off about a month ago.”

he snaps his head up so quickly, you’re positive he’s gotten whiplash. gojo blinks at you through big blue eyes and snowy lashes, a dumbfounded look on his face. he lifts his index to scratch at the corner of his lips, and cocks his head to the side, “ahh. . . ‘s that right? wait— nanamin’s a dad?!”

you feel the vein in your head inevitably tick.

“sir,” you let out an exhausted sigh, completely baffled by his ineptitude. he must purposely choose to do this to you, there’s simply no other explanation. “we attended his wife’s baby shower a few months ago—the one you mistook for a bachelor party and had me escorting the escorts back home.” you lift your pointer finger, brows cinched as the memory burns into your mind. he tilts his head to the side, affirming the idea of his cluelessness even more.

you raised a second finger, “we showed up to the hospital to congratulate them on their baby— and you got them that ridiculous cutout board of yourself that sings when you press on the—”

“the button on my dick, yeah!” gojo cackles as if it’s the funniest story ever, as if you hadn’t need to dump a bucket of water on the cutout figure to get it to shut up before he could get his company sued for emotional distress.

you huff, the stressful reminder of that unfortunate day having you anxiously tugging at the hem of your skirt, “yep. that’s the one.” between the baby’s obnoxious cries and exaggerated mecha-gojo moans, you’d rather not think about that encounter.

“and this whole time i figured she was his sister,” gojo snorts, wiping a faux tear from the corner of his eye. he sighs when his laughter dies down, and pulls him chair back into his desk. “man, his wife’s a babe. guess that explains why she looked at me all crazy when i called her fine the other day.”

“you sure that’s the only reason?” you mutter under your breath, the insult flowing off your tongue so naturally that you couldn’t help stopping it, even if you wanted to. that man was all kinds of deranged, his ego and head much bigger than it needed to be.

“ouch, that’s mean, doll.” gojo pouts, clutching at the material of his blazer above his heart. the back of his free hand lands on his forehead as he dramatically leans back into his seat. his eyelids shut tightly, “you’re wounding me. ‘m too young to die. i can’t go on like this— tell my mother i loved her. sign off my will for me, wouldya? make sure to terrorize nanamin some more. oh, and empty out all my search histories. wouldn’t wanna ruin my reputation. and get rid of my porn magazines beneath my bed. ‘ve got some pretty nasty stuff there. and check up on my kid every now and then. and—”

“alright, alright. i apologize.” you cut his rambling off before it spiralled into something far worse. there’s a full headache throbbing at your temple, your feet ache from your heels, and your stomach rumbles in hunger. you’re ready to go home now, but that won’t be possible unless your big man baby of a boss finishes up his task. “i’m sure you’ve a very suitable man. many would be grateful to have you. my apologies, sir.”

he peeks through an eye, a smug smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. his beaten-puppy look is quickly replaced by one you know far too well now— the look he gets after beating his rival company in terms of stock. the look he gets after successfully shitting on his higher ups. the look he gets after getting you to cum on his fingers after a long day— you’ve stroked his ego. “i’ve trained you well, princess. always flattering me, ohh, however did i get so lucky?”

whatever have you done to get so unlucky? “time’s ticking, sir. you can’t afford to pick up megumi late from practice again.”

“nanamin’s wife might be a babe, but you’re a gem, y’know?” your boss entirely ignores you, leaning his elbow onto the pile of work he’s now completely erased from his existence. he leans his cheek into his palm, fingertips tapping at the side of his head. “one helluva girl. i mean it— i really lucked out with ya.”

you cross your leg over the other, shifting your hips over the suede material of his couch. you recognize the sultry undertone to his voice, and your clear your throat, “is that so?”

gojo chuckles, flashing you all thirty two teeth, “i mean it’s not everyday you find a woman with your patience. god, you must be in love with me or something.”

you roll your eyes, despite the small smile that creeps up on your lips, “that’s certainly not why i stayed,” which wasn’t entirely true, but it’s not as if you haven’t inflated his ego enough today. “you may be a handful but your pockets sure are generous.”

“wouldn’t kill you to make a guy feel good about himself from time to time, ya know?” he fiddled the black pen between his fingers, twirling the object from knuckle to knuckle. he pauses when you don’t answer, noticing you noticing his finger movements. and so he proceeds with a smirk, “you’re always so tense all the time. . . tell me, when’s the last time you’ve been properly fucked?”

you nearly lose the grip on your clipboard at his audacity, the question throwing you off guard. though, you quickly keep composure— a fierce facade that’s always labelled you as the calm and collected kind. though, you’re doubtful it worked against your own boss.

“that’s an unprofessional question, sir.” you grit through teeth, nails scratching at the wooden back of your board. highly hypocritical of yourself, as you’re absolutely no better than he is— having already opened a window of no return that fateful night you accepted his invite to come inside his home.

“pretty sure we’re past unprofessionalism.” he pushes himself off of his desk, rising to his feet. your eyes trail his movements, from the index finger that hooks at his tie to loosen the knot, to the cock of his head to the side that has his hair bouncing, to the sound of expensive shoes clicking with every stride closer to you.

his presence can be oddly intimidating at times— you’ve noticed while working with him for a while. there’re moments like whenever he steps up on a podium in front of thousands of people, or when the elevator doors slide open and presents him to the building. despite his childish antics, he exudes an aura so enchanting that serves as reminder of that at the end of the day, he’s the boss.

you swallow, eyes following his lean figure until he stops right before you. it’s hard to read him in moments like these, when he’s so unlike himself (or maybe finally truly himself). his hands sit in the pockets of his slacks, legs parted enough to entrap your own legs between his, as he tilts his head forward. his irises darken behind tinted shades, bangs curtaining the raise of an eyebrow.

“unprofessional?” he repeats, and your eyes narrow at him, subconsciously gripping at your board tighter. it’s the only thing that you seem to have control over, since it clearly wouldn’t be this conversation. “you mean like that time i had you creamin’ all over my fingers in the back of my car? or unprofessional like that time you bent over my desk and came all over my face? or was it that night when i had to tie your hands together to keep you from runnin’ away?”

your gaze flickers away from his, the heat of embarrassment creeping from your neck all the way to your face. he wasn’t wrong— your relationship with him had passed morally ethical the moment you pulled him in closer to kiss you instead of pushing him away.

“we’re still at work.” you quip, the last bit of resolve tattering away the longer you feel his eyes on you. your roll your ankle nervously, thighs tightening against another.

“work ended half an hour ago sweetheart, remember?” he reminds you, voice as taunting as ever, and you sure as hell don’t need to see him to know he’s smirking. right side of his lips pulled with a moon crescent dimple on the side— he’s making fun of you. “forgettin’ already? can’t have my adorable secretary so overwhelmed that it’s meltin’ her brain. that should be my dick’s doing only, of course.”

you click your tongue, eyes casting back up to stare him dead in the eye. naturally, he’s already meeting your own, with the same damn smirk you’d predicted, “you have paperwork to finish, sir. better get on that quickly.”

“oh?” he laughs at your command, pulling his hands out of his pockets to rest at his hips. he runs his tongue against the top row of his teeth, and you hate the way your mind instantly travels back to days prior when you’d once had that same tongue working in and out of you.

he hums in faux thought, tapping his index against his chin. his lips fall into a pout before instantly stretching back to its default state, his infamous smile, “i suppose you’re right. come help me finish then, hmm? teamwork makes the dream work.”

you’re skeptical— you know him too well, but you’d rather divert the focus of attention from you to those papers. anything to prevent your mind from wandering off further into endless unprofessional possibilities. “lead the way, boss.”

he curtsies dramatically as you rise to your feet, stomping over to his desk. you notice he’s got shit done, and you’ll most likely be here for a minute. and so, you stand next to the chair he’d abandoned and pick up the pen, waiting for him to sit so you both could get started.

only you should’ve known you’d fallen right into his trap the minute you agreed to his ridiculous offer. you feel him pressed up behind you, lurking over your shoulder to study whatever you had going on. he’s unreasonably tall, frame so large it has you feeling frail in his presence, and his cologne so strong you feel it already clouding your judgement.

damn it all.

clicking your tongue, you tilt your head to the side to narrow your eyes, “well? are you not going to sit?”

gojo blinks at you, “how come? i enjoy the view here much better anyway.”

you roll your eyes, before turning back to his desk. he was a complete idiot if he thought you hadn’t already anticipated his next moves. the more your wrist flexes, mumbling the words you read on your sheets as you write them down, the more you felt him. you could feel the back of your thighs meeting the from of his, you could feel his bulge rubbing at your ass, you could feel his warm breath fanning at the slope of your neck.

damn it all.

“sales have risen to a—ahhn!” your pen falters in your grip, scribbling on the white sheet as it hits the desk. your eyelids shut close, teeth clamping down on your bottom lip as a warm mouth kisses at that sensitive spot behind your ear. your palm lays flat against the surface of the table, side by side with gojo’s, body tensing as his mouth trails down lower.

“oh you bastard,” you mutter, shaky hand attempting to grab the pen in an unsteady hold. his chuckle rumbles deep from his chest, and you feel the vibrations against your back. you’re determined to stand your ground, despite the urge to push your hips back into him. he may have soft lips and an annoyingly hot voice, but you would not falter— no matter the moisture of his breath sending shivers down your spine.

you think you have it set in stone, the pen in your hold— albeit unsteady— despite his large hand creeping up your thigh. every trail of his touch leaves an electrifying feeling, and you’re sure he’s noticed your trembling knees if the way he subtly slid his leg in between yours to keep you steady said anything.

it’s when you’re ready to scribble out your mistake to replace it that he decides to plunge his canines to your jugular. the moan that erupts from you is squeaky, your hand clutching tightly at the pen as your back arches into his chest from the painful pleasure.

gojo nibbles and sucks at your skin, running his tongue over the throbbing area to soothe the pain, fingers trailing closer to your now aching core. you’re positive your skirt has now hiked up with how much your hips are pushing back into his, head lolled forward.

“aweee, what’s the matter sweetheart? ‘s too much for you already?” gojo coos, sultry voice sending chills from the shell of your ear down to your core, finally slipping his hand inside of your skirt. his fingertips brush at your clothed clit, the material of your thong shamefully damp in arousal. you huff, nails scratching at his desktop when his index and middle finger rub painfully slow circles at your clit. “but we’ve barely done anything? tsk, can’t afford slowing the company down because you’re too distracted to focus.”

your thighs and arms threaten to give out, body heating with lust and desire. you want to say you hate this, that this is against your typical work ethics, to tell him to fuck off and do the work himself. but the focus on your pussy really has you melting puddle, bottom lip tugged on to suppress any louder sounds to escape.

“y-you’re the worst.” you complain, though it fades into another moan when he pushes his thigh up in between your legs. you’re internally thankful, because had this gone any further, you’re certain you would’ve sunken to the floor.

“love you too, pretty girl.” he presses a kiss at your jaw, fingers pushing past your panties. fuck any resolve you’d held onto— you chuck the pen far away, planting both palms down as you allowed him to take control. every rub of his fingers at your clit had you dripping down his thigh, to where your hips shifted and rolled down his leg, dragging out that blissful heat in your gut.

“givin’ up already? y’didn’t put much of a fight this time, can’t say i’m a disappointed.” his free hand grips at your thigh and trails up to your hips, resting at your flesh to guide you down his leg. he’s all too enthralled by your sensitivity, gaze zeroed in on your expressions— from the slackness at your jaw to the way your brows furrow.

“just h-hurry up already,” you grit, eyelashes fluttering as your eyelids lift. your gaze meets his instantly, and gulp at the hungry look in his eyes. his skin is already flushed pink, lips parted as he pants heavily. “you’re no—ngh, better than i am, dickhead.”

“well aren’t ya damn mouthy,” gojo acknowledged, though clearly unbothered, as his fingers pinch at that bundle of nerve. you gasp, cunt clenching as it leaks more of your essence down on him. your head drops back against his shoulder, the slope of your back curving as you grip onto the closest thing in your vicinity— the hem of his blazer. “hm, whatever happened to my obedient secretary? always so polite and respectful, don’t tell me i haven’t trained you enough?”

“m-maybe you haven’t,” you pant, chest heaving as you feel his fingertips teasing the entrance of your folds. they’re slow movements, applying just enough pressure to ignite the spark in your guts but not enough to leave you wanting more. “can’t even do your damn j-job right and you call yourself boss? hah, wonder if mister geto would have this issue— fuuuck!”

“low fuckin’ blow, sweets.” gojo chuckles darkly, now two fingers knuckle deep in your cunt. he wastes no time to plunge himself inside, knuckles rubbing at your velvety walls. you clamp down on his digits, desperate to keep him in for the sake of that orgasm you craved. “and here i was ready to put this pretty pussy in my mouth. you’re dickless for a few days and catch an attitude wimme? that’s cold, baby.”

“dickless?” you cock a brow, teeth gritting as you focus all your energy left on delivering your next line. he always got so cocky whenever he had a slight advantage. “a-according to who—ooh, god, shit!”

“ooh god, shit!” gojo mocks you, a third finger now joining the others. he scissors your cunt open, the slick of your arousal simplifying the slide in. you’re dripping down to his palm, so wet despite the front you’re putting up. he knows you love it whenever he angles his fingers at this angle, the one that has you knees weak and ready to fold. “face it sweets, i’m the only one who treats this pussy the way it deserves. see how well she responds to me?”

and you wish you could negate or deny him, but unfortunately, you both know he’s correct. he’s only got his fingers inside of you and you’re already at your limit. your hips eagerly chase his fingers whenever he pulls out just to thrust them back in, the pad of his thumb drawing infinity signs at your clit. your tongue feels heavy in your mouth, knot in your tummy tightening from the stimulation.

“nghhh, ‘m gonna cum,” your hand slides down the slope of his forearm till where his wrist begins. you claw at the bone, clutching and grabbing at him eagerly. damn him and his damned fingers— driving you to mush with all six inches. “more, hah, need more— gimme more!”

“manners, pretty baby.” gojo coos at your ear, despite upping his pace. his hands reach all the right spots, pussy desperate to hold out to his fingers as they fuck your cunt open, soaking the digits in your slick. “c’mon girl, what’s the magic word? i know you’ve got it in you.”

“p-please! pleasepleaseplease—” you’re cut off by your own gasp as the dam in your stomach finally breaks. you leak on his fingers, squirting your juices as your muscles convulse, walls entrapping him in. your back arches away from him and you grasp at anything in your reach, your mouth gaped. you’re cussing like a sailor, vision blacked out beneath your eye lids as your hips twitch and stutter against gojo’s ruthless pace.

your high washes down, as you lose feeling in your limbs, falling face down to the desk. your skin is moist with heat, mouth parted as drool coats the abandoned paperwork beneath you. your body twitches with oversensitivity, thighs quaking as your last few spurts spray all over gojo’s thigh.

“don’t tell me you’re all worn out from a little foreplay?” your boss teases, his free hand delivering a blow onto your ass cheek. it recoils as you jolt, snivelling like a baby. you hear the sound of his belt unbuckling, slacks falling next and pooling at his ankles. the next few moments happen in a blur, but sooner than you’d realized, you’d been turned onto your back with your legs propped over his shoulders and your folds were being played with again, the overstimulation having your toes curling in your heels.

“anddd there we go,” gojo strokes at his bricked cock, your essence serving as lube to coat his dick. he drags his fist from the base of his shaft to the tip, both your fluids and his pre cum mixture softening the jerk. “you fuckin’ water park. jeez, maybe i should plug this tiny cunt to prevent any further leakage, yeah?”

“fucking hurry already!” you don’t whine, or so you hope, though the grip of your legs at the back of his neck does tighten. with your skirt hiked up and your panties pushed to the side, gojo has a clear view of your twitching pussy, a hole designated intentionally just for him. he can already feel the cum in his balls ready to burst and fill your womb.

“and back to mouthy she goes,” he chuckles, using the leverage of his hand at his cock to slap his dick at your folds. the impact causes you to whimper, your hands clutching at the border of the desk. you wish you could wipe that smirk off his face, but fuck if the way he didn’t rub himself against you arouse you in ways that would surely haunt you after the orgasmic high faded away.

“take a deep breath for me baby, kay?” gojo instructs, thumb brushing over the skin above your hip bone, and before you’re able to retaliate, he slides in his dick.

his length is nothing to scoff at, and although you’ve already dealt with it in the past, all that prepping he’d done earlier seemed in vain. he bottoms out quickly, balls deep into you cunt. both your moans blend in harmony, overlapping one another as you settle with the aching stretch. your pussy clenches around his cock uncontrollably, both eager to push and pull him away.

“shittttt,” he whines throatily despite the huge grin on his lips. the flush pampering his skin has gotten significantly deeper, pale brows furrowed to the centre of his forehead. his hands grip at your plush thighs, fingers digging deep into your skin, surely enough to leave bruises. the bastard— he knew you’d be forced to wear your own slacks tomorrow to avoid suspicions.

“no fuckin’ way ‘m already set to bust— hah, fuck, what in the magical pussy is this?” gojo groans, snowy hair bouncing with his head thrown back. the tighter you grip at his cock, the tighter he grips at your thighs and the deeper his breaths are.

you push yourself up to your elbows, giggling at the irony of the situation. “already huh? so it wasn’t the liquor’s fault last time.” surely you were no better, entirely stimulated and body excreting all kinds of fluids from all over, but the ball was now in your court, and you planned on taking advantage. “s-should’ve known.”

naturally, he doesn’t rise to your bait, instead moving his hips away from yours, slowly dragging his cock out until the only part left in your cunt is his pink tip. “don’t make me make you eat your words, sweets.”

you raise your hand and rest it right above his pelvis, eyes set straight on his. you’re both clearly eager and ready to go, but you still had your dignity to uphold. you drag your palm upwards his torso, nails trailing up his button-up top teasingly before clutching at his tie. with the strength left in you, you yank him down and closer to you.

the shift in position stirs his dick in your cunt, knees now pressed closer to your chest. he hovers over you, a newfound look in his eyes you aren’t ready to divulge into—he was a very expressive man after all. both your lips ghosts one over another, breaths hot and mingling. you feel fuzzy, all senses fucked but collectively drawing at a same conclusion: wanting him to fuck your brains out on this desk.

“fuckin’ hell that was sexy.” it almost comes off a whisper, his tone breathless as his eyes bare deep into your. you feel the warmth of his hands fading away in favour to cup at your waist.

you tilt your head to the side, nose grazing against his. your fingers fiddle with the hem of his tie, despite never breaking the eye contact. “you gonna rock my world now?”

nothing more has to be said as he engulfs your mouth into his, knocking the wind out of you. his tongue explores the warm cave of your mouth, no inch left untouched. you moan and kiss him back just as eagerly, sliding the hand from his neck tie to his nape. your fingers thread through his soft locks, nails scratching his scalp and tugging at the roots.

he whimpers pathetically, the pain sending courses of arousal straight to his dick as his hips slam right back against yours. his thrust is rough and deep— leaving you gasping, as he takes the opportunity to kiss you even deeper while simultaneously working on his strokes.

the curve of his cock reaches even deeper than his fingers could manage, rubbing at your gummy walls and stretching them even wider. the sounds of your bodies connecting, your skins slapping, both your fluids mixing— everything felt so wanton, so filthy. he was everywhere, so far in your stomach you swear you could feel him in your throat.

the stretch of his cock at your pussy sent a fiery feeling spreading towards all of your limbs. the squelching of your pussy tightening and clenching at his dick filling the room. he soon picked up his pace, railing into you with every fibre in his body, loving the way your body bounced up in reaction to his thrusts.

“s-shit, oh fuck— don’t stop, ngh, right there!” you begged, throwing your head back against the hard surface. you’d given up on trying to keep your eyes open, the intensity of his dick ramming into your guts so fierce, you’d never felt anything like it.

he takes a sharp inhale of breath, followed by a whiny exhale. you were driving him insane, your sloppy cunt greedily clamping on his dick as if it were its lifeline. “suckin’ me in so tight, shitttt baby, ‘s like you want me to fill this perfect pussy full of my nut.” he dives his tongue deeper into your mouth for extra measure. you’re in a turmoil of multiple emotions at once but you kiss him back— until your lips feel tender and your mouth tastes of his breath.

he was annoyingly intoxicating, whether you wanted to admit it or not. your body spoke every word you were ashamed to say, responding with his own almost too perfectly.

when he slips his thumb to toy at your clit, your toes curl in your shoes and you’re accustomed to the oncoming feeling all too well, nails clawing at his skin. your words come out all fumbled mixed with tongue and drool, “s-satoru, i— ‘m gonna, don’t you stop— fuck ‘s too much— hnng!” you pull away just slightly, eyes all dazed as they roll to the back of your skull.

“shit, oh shit, me too,” he swipes at the drool dribbling past your mouth. from there, he plants more kisses at your skin, nibbling at every inch of you. he’s rutting like a madman, pace unforgiving as he focuses on that same spot that has you mindless. he finds you prettiest when you’re this way— all obedient for him. “my pretty girl— where do i— fuck, where—”

“inside.” as if you’d wanted to kill him, just as quick the word left your lips, he emptied his balls in your cunt. he sobs, his orgasm wracking over his entire body as he slams and fills your pussy full of him. the mixture of sounds is downright sinful, and whether it’d been the focus on your clit or his inhumane stamina, you soon met your similar end.

you cream on his dick once more, legs trembling as your second orgasm washes over you. your mind gone dumb, you do nothing but lay as you take the pounding inflicted on your worn out pussy. with each stroke you see stars, breasts juggling at the match of his pace. it’s damn near painful, but in the best enjoyable way. you feel yourself getting fuller by the second as you spray more of your arousal onto him.

the high eventually comes down for you both, the room reeking of sex. you’re both panting heavily, muscles twitching from overexertion. you couldn’t recall the last time you’d been fucked to the point of a momentary blackout— but you’d be damned if you’d ever let him know. he was too busy crying over your cunt anyways.

after a moment of silence, “. . .shit.”

“what?” you hum tiredly, rubbing the back of your hand to your tired hands. god, you could barely muster enough energy to do just that. what did this man eat?

he skips a few beats, before sheepishly chuckling, the hand that’d once been tracing patterns at the skin of your thighs now moving to your side. your gaze follows his movements, and it’s only when he retracts his hand does your heart sink to your chest.

“we definitely fucked these papers up.”

. . . shit.

io baby.. if you ever end up reading this i did it :c

[girlsgonemildblog]

Mass Exodus - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 7 Recap

Image from abc.com

The first two minutes of this episode were the same as the last two minutes of the previous episode, with Heather interrupting Matt and Pieper. When Pieper informs the other girls of what is going on, mass-hysteria begins over the prospect that Matt will ditch them for this new girl he doesn’t know. It is honestly concerning how insecure these girls are in their relationships with Matt when they are preparing to get engaged to him in three weeks. Pieper freaks out more than the others, which is especially bizarre considering the fact that she already has a rose from her one-on-one.

Heather explains herself to Matt, saying that (allegedly) Hannah Brown sent her because she thought they would be a perfect match. I am skeptical of this story, however, because it makes no sense that Hannah wouldn’t have introduced them before Matt even applied for the show. I prefer the (much more plausible) theory that this whole thing was set-up by producers.

Matt tells Heather that he needs a moment to think, and she goes to speak with the other girls, who immediately attack her because of course they do. Chelsea, Serena C., and Jessenia give her the third degree about what she’s doing there, and the irony of Jessenia bullying a new girl (the very thing she condemned MJ for doing) was not lost on me. Ultimately, Matt sends Heather home because obviously that was what was going to happen. But at least Heather secured her spot in Paradise.

At the rose ceremony, Matt sends home Chelsea and (thankfully) Serena C. This leaves only eight girls; Kit, Michelle, Bri, Serena P., Pieper, Jessenia, Rachael, and Abigail. Of those remaining, only Jessenia and Abigail have not had one-on-ones.

Despite this fact, the first one-on-one goes to Serena P., who gets to join Matt for a class on tantric yoga. Serena P is exceptionally uncomfortable the whole time (which, like, valid) and expresses that she’s not even into standard PDA, which I very much agree with. Matt, who has likely never not had a girl falling all over him, begins to think he is being friend-zoned by someone who gave up ten weeks of their life and came on a reality show to compete against 30 other people for the chance to date him. At night, the two discuss the potential of Matt meeting her family next week for hometowns but don’t seem to actually fortify their relationship in any meaningful way. Matt still gives her the rose, though.

There seemed to be no day-portion for the group date, as only a cocktail party is shown. In their private discussion, Bri tells Matt how she quit what she referred to as her “dream job” to be on this show. Quitting your job for a man is bad; quitting your dream job for a man you’ve never met is terrible. And if I were Matt, that would be a red flag for me.

Abigail, whose presence on the group date means she will not be getting a one-on-one before hometowns, confronts Matt and asks him if he sees a future with her. He admits that because they had such an instant connection on night one, he got overly comfortable in their relationship and pursued others to the point where they progressed past his relationship with her. Unfortunately, he walks her out and sends her home.

Kit then takes Matt aside and has the exact opposite conversation to Bri’s. She tells him that she has 5-year-plan and wants to focus on her career and traveling before settling down and starting a family. I think it’s fair to say that absolutely no one thought the 21-year-old was ready to have kids. She leaves the conversation feeling confident that she will be getting the date rose.

For some reason, he gives the rose to Racist, I mean Rachael, despite them having spoken about nothing of importance during their one-on-one time. Matt and Rachael then leave the others and attend a private concert of Aloe Blacc, which was shocking because usually, only nobodies perform on this show.

Later that night, Kit goes to Matt’s place and breaks-up with him. She says that hometowns are not for figuring out the relationship, and he deserves someone sure of what they want. Based on their relationship on the show and the way he spoke about her on the “Chicks in the Office” podcast, I genuinely think that she may have won if she had not sent herself home.

The final one-on-one is with Jessenia, and the activity is “stunt driving.” While the set people did a lot of work to make this date look cool, at its core, it was doing donuts in a parking lot in a Dodge Charger, like they were 16-year-olds from a fly-over state in 2005. At night, Jessenia tells Matt that she is falling in love with him, and he replies with the worst response of all time, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Needless to say, she does not get the rose and is sent home.

The episode finishes with another rose ceremony with only five girls left. Pieper is the only girl sent home, meaning next week we will be meeting the families of Bri, Serena P., Michelle, and Rachael.

[thebooklife]

everyone is saying matt’s season is the worst ever but literally peter’s was sooo much worse like even arie’s was worse lol

[terrainofheartfelt]

Fic: (the more you say) the less I know

It is my goddess' (Jane Austen) birthday today, so I thought why not share the beginnings of this au I've been knocking around since S (@strideofpride) peer pressured me into writing it.

I want to get further along before I post to ao3, but for now, enjoy some dair + p & p (enemies to lovers²) and let me know if you like it <3333

(in addition to the novel and the 2005 adaptation, this is also heavily inspired by The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that New Yorkers in possession of a huge fortune will use any excuse to throw a party.

Which is how Dan finds himself here, in East Hampton at a party hosted by friends of his stepmother’s, thrown to mark the occasion of their divorce.

“Kind of a bold move for the Shepherds, don’t you think?” he’d said to his sister Serena when Lily had announced that they would all be going.

“Oh I don’t know,” Serena had mused, “why not go out on a happy note, you know?”

That was Serena, perpetual and persistent optimist. She’d been like that ever since Dan had known her, when her mom and his dad started (or technically more like restarted) dating when they were in eighth grade. Though Dan tended to be more cynical in nature, he and Serena had become fast friends, and have been close ever since.

He was often mystified, though, at her persistent sunshiney disposition in this world that his dad had married their family into. Oh well, at least if he had to go to these sorts of parties, it was nice to have someone like Serena having his back.

“Remember, Serena, darling,” Lily whispers fervently as they arrive at the Shepherds’ summer home (Dan wonders which of them it belongs to now), “be sure to introduce yourself to our new neighbor tonight.”

Dan rolls his eyes, but thankfully Lily doesn’t see, as she and his dad are immediately roped into a conversation with other attendees. His younger siblings, Jenny and Eric, have already disappeared into the crowd.

“Isn’t it bad karma to try and set you up with a guy at an event celebrating a failed relationship?”

Serena only laughs at him, steering him towards the bar. “It’s hardly a set-up. He’s new in town. Mom just wants us to be friendly.”

“Yeah, right, like Lily isn’t already picking the centerpieces for your wedding and divorce party.”

His sister rolls her eyes, “Such a pessimist,” she says lightly, taking a sip of champagne.

He hums, a semblance of agreement, slumping dramatically against the bar. “Only the deepest love should lead to marriage, S. Which is why you’ll end up with the husband and the 2.5 kids and I’ll be the bachelor uncle.”

She arches a perfectly shaped eyebrow, and says knowingly: “One day, Dan Humphrey, you are going to fall so hard for someone and then you’ll be eating your words.”

He chuckles and shakes his head, taking a sip of his drink. It’s not that he’s opposed to marriage. His dad and his stepmother have been blissfully happy together for more than eight years now, and despite being woefully incompatible on paper, they work.

Dan would like to fall in love like that, he supposes. But there’s a part of him that lost that crucial little bit of faith when his parents broke up, and every love, every crush he’s had since has chipped a little more of it away. Sometimes he wishes he could be more like Serena, with her unwavering faith in people.

But for now, he’ll hide behind his biting wit with his other best friend.

“V!” he exclaims, waving her over, “thank god, somebody here I actually know.”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Serena mutters, smirking around her glass.

“Hi!” Vanessa greets the both of them with a hug. “Finally, the jitney took forever. I was late getting to your house, so I changed at the speed of light and decided to meet you here.”

Vanessa, Dan’s best friend since first grade (depending on who you ask, Vanessa jokes that he wasn’t promoted until third grade after they costarred as the Clauses in the elementary school Christmas play), is—like Dan and Serena—a recent college grad, and had come up to the Hamptons to crash with the van der Humphreys and provide some solidarity in the liminal space of what the hell comes next.

“Sounds like you need a drink!” Serena chirps, “And then you and Dan can proceed to hide in the corner of your choice.”

“She knows us too well,” Vanessa says solemnly, clinking her newly acquired champagne flute against Dan’s.

“Look alive, kids,” says a familiar voice over Dan’s shoulder, “the new guy is here.”

Dan whirls around to see his little sister, Jenny, and Serena’s little brother, Eric, who had seemingly appeared out of thin air. They tend to do that.

“V!” Jenny squeals, a completely different register from her previous sentence, throwing her arms around the other young woman’s neck.

“Hi!” Vanessa squeaks back, rocking Jen back and forth before releasing her. “So who’s New Guy?” she asks, curious.

“Do you mean Lily’s latest hyperfixation?” Dan counters.

Serena thumps him on the arm. “Someone just bought the house next to ours. Mom just wants us to be neighborly.”

“Mom just wants you to lock down the new eligible bachelor in town,” Eric mutters into his glass. Serena narrows her eyes at him.

“Can we even call him a neighbor if there’s at least a mile of beach in between our house and his?” Dan asks rhetorically.

“We’re all neighbors in Amagansett,” Jenny singsongs, parroting Lily from the brunch table this morning.

Vanessa watches their back and forth, entertained, then asks, “So who is he? Your new not-neighbor?”

“Ten o’clock,” Jenny indicates with a jerk of her chin, and the whole group turns to look in that direction. “Could you be more obvious?” she grumbles.

“His name’s Nate,” Serena offers quietly to Vanessa. “Nate Archibald.”

Vanessa nods, making a mildly impressed face. “He’s not unfortunate-looking.”

Dan snorts in amusement. Though she is right. Archibald is good-looking, in that prep school, All-American jock, golden boy way. The last guy Dan had dated at Yale had been that way, too. They’d had nothing whatsoever in common, but it had been fun while it lasted.

“Just graduated from UCLA,” Jenny continues rattling off the new guy’s stats, “something went down with his dad during the last financial crisis, but he’s apparently unscathed because he’s really, really rich.”

“Buy a beach house in the Hamptons kind of rich,” Eric confirms.

“Is that why Lily likes him?” Vanessa jokes, “Aren’t you rich enough already, S?”

Serena rolls her eyes.

“He’s also a van der Bilt,” Jenny adds eagerly, “very big name.”

“Depends on who you ask,” Dan mutters under his breath, and Vanessa laughs. “But wait,” he adds, who are the sour-faced people he’s talking to?”

His family zeroes in on Nate Archibald’s companions: a young man, looking to be the same age, with sharp, almost harsh features and dark coloring, both accentuated by his disinterested expression; and a young woman, short in stature, with long chestnut brown hair and a delicate heart shaped face. She’s quite pretty, Dan thinks, even with the disapproving look as if she smells something rotten.

“The guy’s Chuck Bass,” Eric answers, paying no mind to Dan’s jibe, “inherited a Manhattan real estate company from his dad, but in a like, lets his business manager do everything while he travels and parties, sense.”

Vanessa makes an unimpressed face, “What a catch.”

Dan ducks his head, shoulders shaking, while Serena muffles a laugh into her hand.

“And that’s Blair Waldorf,” Jenny jumps in eagerly, “her mom is one of my favorite designers. And Blair—she’s just graduated from La Sorbonne. In Paris.”

Okay, now that’s kind of impressive. “Good for her, I guess.”

“She dated a prince for a while,” Jenny adds.

“Ooh, from where?” Serena asks.

“Monaco. Like Grace Kelly.”

“Eh,” Dan shrugs, “less impressive.”

Eric chuckles at that, and Jenny shoots them both a look. “But her last boyfriend was some British lord. He owns half of Derbyshire, whatever that is.”

“The miserable half?” Dan asks mildly, and Vanessa snorts into her glass. “Wait—how do you even know all this?”

“Gossip Girl,” Jenny supplies, matter-of-fact.

“Who?”

Jenny huffs out a sigh, then takes out her phone, pulling up a website, “You guys have been away from New York for too long,” she grumbles, holding up the screen so they can see.

“I haven’t,” Vanessa arches an eyebrow.

“Oh, you know what I mean,” Jenny waves a dismissive hand. “It’s proven very helpful though.”

Dan frowns at the screen until his memory clicks. Gossip Girl. Right. The one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite, like Page Six without a conscience. Dan’s experience with the site had been very limited. Serena had ended up on there once, after their parents were first married. Something about a field trip to an aircraft carrier, a white sundress, and a freak rainstorm. But after that, Lily had transferred all the kids to a prep school on the Upper West Side, and apart from a few errant posts through the remainder of high school, that seemed to effectively kill Gossip Girl’s interest. And with Serena in Providence and Dan in New Haven for the past four years, neither of them had much thought of life back in New York.

Jenny, however, was halfway through the fashion design track at Parsons, and therefore up to her neck in socialites and their online presence. Useful when they’re sniffing for intel on a new neighbor, but Dan sometimes worries about his little sister and the world she’s dived into headfirst.

“So,” Serena ventures, “is she dating him?”

Dan glances at Serena. So much for being casually neighborly.

“Nope,” Jenny chirps, “they’re single.” She waggles her eyebrows, “The both of them.”

“And now Mom is on the approach,” Eric catches, gesturing to Lily, her arm hooked through her husband’s, tugging him forward to greet the slightly-less-mysterious Nate Archibald. They shake hands, exchanging pleasantries, while the pair flanking Nate look even more discontent, if that were even possible.

And then Lily glances their way, and her kids turn abruptly to act as if they were looking at anything but them.

“They’ll be over here any minute now,” Eric reports, knowing how his mother operated at events like these.

Vanessa chuckles, nudging Serena’s arm, “Get ready, S.”

“Lamb for the slaughter,” Dan mutters, and both his sisters and Vanessa thwack him on the shoulder.

“Be nice,” Serena chides, then straightens up, smiling, in her classic, charismatic glow. If Lily hadn’t been leading him over, Archibald would likely be drawn to her anyway.

“Oh, good,” Lily exclaims, “you’re all in one place.” She pauses to give Vanessa a cheek kiss hello. “Nathaniel, our kids: Serena, Eric, Jenny, and Dan. And Vanessa, who’s as good as family.”

“It’s so nice to meet all of you,” Nate says, with a grin that could give Serena’s a run for its money. Good thing they’re both loaded.

Nate’s brunette compatriots are still less than enthused, but the three of them appear to travel everywhere together.

“Nathaniel here says he’s been on the west coast,” Lily supplies, “but is spending the summer back here in the Hamptons, isn’t that lovely?”

“You a New Yorker?” Rufus asks, friendly.

“Born and raised,” Nate confirms, “I went away for college, but I’ve missed the east coast, you know?”

“I love your house, by the way,” Serena says, “I’ve driven by Netherfield a thousand times over the years, and I always think it’s so beautiful.”

“I used to drive by it, too,” Nate confesses, smiling even wider, “that’s kind of the reason I was tempted to buy.”

“It used to belong to that novelist, right?” Dan asks. “I bet the library is amazing.”

Nate’s eyes flit to him, blinking, as if he’d forgotten there were other people nearby, the young woman—Blair—glances over at him too, assessing. “It is,” Nate admits, looking a little sheepish, “it’s kind of wasted on me sadly.” His eyes widen, then travel back to Serena, “I mean - I do read, but…”

“I love to read, but there always seem to be other things to do,” Serena offers helpfully.

“Yes, exactly!” Nate agrees with a laugh.

“You know,” Serena continues, “there’s a group here that does a book club every summer, and I’ve been thinking of doing it, to be a practicing reader again.”

Nate nods, “That sounds like a great idea.”

Dan’s gaze flicks between the two of them. He and his siblings had been cracking jokes about Lily setting Serena up with the neighbor ever since he came to town, and it was actually working?

There’s the sound of a throat being conspicuously cleared over Nate’s shoulder, causing the man to shake his head, as if coming out of a trance, and he finally introduces his friends to the van der Humphrey crowd. The pointed, taciturn nature of their indifference might be offensive if it weren’t so funny.

After that, when their crowd scatters into the rest of the party, Serena and Nate are nearly inseparable for the rest of the night, sharing drinks and smiley conversation.

He watches them for a beat, still occupying the same corner of the party, then watches Lily watching them, practically glowing in triumph, causing a stirring of uneasiness in his gut. It’s not that Dan wants his sister to be unhappy, it’s just that she’s never been one to go along with her mother so easily, especially when it’s about her love life.

These parties always follow the same pattern, as does Dan at these parties, and it’s not long until he and Vanessa find a secluded spot to share the joint she’d brought with her. They never get too blazed to raise any alarms (not that his parents had room to talk, after he and his siblings had come home from his high school grad after-party to see them both stoned on the living room floor), but it’s nice to take the edge off, and with him having been in New Haven and V in Greenwich Village, it gives them the perfect chance to catch up.

They’re giggling over a story about the latest antics of Vanessa’s friend Paul when they hear footsteps coming over, threatening discovery of their hiding place behind the Shepherds’ hydrangea bushes.

“It smells like a good time over here,” they hear someone joke. It’s Nate Archibald, Dan realizes, and he mouths the name to Vanessa, stubbing out the joint and placing a finger over his lips. She clamps her hands over her mouth to smother any laughter.

“Typical,” a smaller, shriller voice answers, “some things never change here, do they?”

“Oh come on, B,” Nate teases, “live a little. This is a party.”

A scoff travels through the hydrangeas, “Some party. Were these things always so starved for good company?”

“I think we’ve met some great people tonight. And great-looking people, too.”

“You have been chatting up the only attractive person here. Typical Nate Archibald luck.”

“I don’t know,” he says, in a sing-song kind of tone that oddly reminds Dan of Jenny, “Serena’s brother seems pretty nice, too.”

Dan points at himself, wiggling his eyebrows at Vanessa. She rolls her eyes.

Then Dan hears another scoff. “As if. More like barely tolerable. I prefer that a man not have hair like a muppet, thank you very much.”

Dan makes a face, gesturing to himself defensively, as if to say Who? Me?

“Serena speaks really highly of him,” Nate says, voice mild.

“She’s family, darling, she probably feels obligated. How great could Humphrey be? He’s from Brooklyn, for god’s sake.”

There’s a brief silence, and Dan wonders if the two on the other side of the flowers are staring each other down, like he and Vanessa do when they have a disagreement about the work of Eisenstein or Morrissey.

“Look,” Waldorf says, “you should go back in. Enjoy Sunshine Barbie, but I think I’ll go back to the house.”

“B,” Archibald’s voice turns pleading, “another half-hour? Please?”

She lets out a long-suffering sigh, “Fine. But I’m off babysitting duty, so you keep an eye on Chuck.”

There’s a rustle as the pair walk away, leaving Dan and Vanessa alone again, mystified at what they just heard.

Vanessa pats his leg comfortingly, “Count yourself lucky. If she liked you then you’d have to talk to her.”

Dan snorts. “Small mercies.” He pushes himself to stand, then offers his hand out to his best friend, “Come on, let’s track down those bacon wrapped dates.”

“Oh my god, yes,” Vanessa agrees, letting Dan pull her up, then leading the way to rejoin the party.

Once they’ve availed themselves of refreshments (subtly of course, Dan may be a muppet from Brooklyn, but he’s not an animal, and not Animal, the muppet either), they spot Serena and Nate again, this time in conversation with Dan’s parents. And Waldorf. That alone would make Dan want to steer clear, but Serena is shooting them clear “Save me!” eyes, so Dan and Vanessa have to intervene.

“...there was that lovely young man you met at Brown, remember, darling? He was a songwriter too, right?”

“I think...” Dan has to swallow back a laugh at his dad’s expression, Rufus clearly struggling to remain diplomatic about the talentless ex-boyfriend in question, “he certainly did have a lot of...enthusiasm.”

“I remember he did write you some songs.”

“And we never saw him again,” Dan interjects lightly, catching Serena’s look of gratitude,

Nate laughs, good natured, but his friend Waldorf tilts her head, eyes narrowing inquisitively. “I thought music was the food of love.”

Dan nods in concession, gesturing to his parents, the retired rock star and his alleged muse. “For a strong, solid love, sure, but if it’s just a passing fancy I’m convinced one terribly written ballad would kill it stone dead.”

Waldorf arches an eyebrow, pressing her lips together, apparently unamused. “Then what should someone do? If they want to encourage affection?”

“Nothing so complicated,” Dan shrugs. “A drink, a conversation, maybe a dance.” He pauses, pursing his lips, “Even if the other person is ‘barely tolerable.’”

The look on Waldorf’s face is every bit worth it.

The night ends soon after, at least for Dan, having seen enough of the town’s new arrivals, of his whole family’s apparent fascination with them, of the Shepherds rejoicing over their split, of New York high society as a whole. He and Vanessa persuade Eric to drive them home, Jenny calling shotgun, and stopping for tacos on the way. The four of them give their respective reports of the night, laughing with their mouths full, and even with encountering someone as dour as Waldorf, Dan wouldn’t call the night a total wash.

[cellsshapedlikestars]

Hello, it's me again!

You are chosen to be in The Bachelor/rette, who is your Bachelor(ette) and who are the other girls? Or people, you can be diverse! Also... Do you win?

I've actually discussed this with my friend before - no, I don't think I would win. I'm not the kind of person who jumps to an engagement that quick (nor am I that interested in marriage), and I'm like the least publically affectionate person ever, so I would definitely be out night one (or go on Paradise, which I'm all for).

As for who my Bachelor/ette would be?? I would choose Nick Viall, because he gives zero shits anymore and has no respect for the franchise and he's hilarious. Also Mike Johnson. Mike was ROBBED of Bachelor, I will fight anyone and everyone about this. I have tweeted exactly 3 times in the last 5 years, all of them about the Bachelor, one of those to complain that they didn't pick Mike.

Like... UGH. LOOK AT HIM.

(go follow Mike on insta)

Noooo instead they chose fucking PETER. Anyway, I'm done ranting.

(I'm also weirdly obsessed with Michael Garofola who I don't think was ever close to being Bachelor. I don't understand my love of him, he's just adorable.)

If I were on a Bachelorette season... I'm way less judgy of the women so I think its harder to choose my absolute fav.

Bachelorette seasons I'd go on: Tayshia, Katie's doing great so far, Rachel, I'm really looking forward to Michelle (I liked Hannah and Jojo fine but I would want to date neither if that makes sense. I don't know if I'd actually date Tayshia, I think she's fairly conservative/religious? But she's so fucking pretty and I don't actually *know* if the religious thing is true. And she seems really nice and fun). I didn't watch Kaitlyn's season, but she also seems fun af

Bach Nation women I love who would be other contestants: Demi, Serena P, Lily from the NZ Bachelor, Ashley Spivey, Bibiana, Alexis, Corinne for the drama... There are so many and I'm absolutely forgetting a bunch. Like I'm blanking right now. But honestly most of the Bach girls I think I'd be ok with, barring a few.

Bach guys to be other contestants: Tre, Andrew, Catboy from the current season. Ivan from Tayshia's. Derek Peth maybe? I think I just love him solely for the scene of him softly crying in the limo to Don't Cry for Me Argentina after he was eliminated. Wills & Wells. Jordan for fun. Courtney from the Australian Bachelorette. Again, I'm blanking on other guys that I loved and would love to hang out with.

Anyway, this is too long of an answer but I feel like you all should know by now that I can and will talk about the Bachelor FOREVER

[javabachelor]

No matter the weather, Bachelor Pad Magazine is here for you! It’s the sensational Sable Sin Cyr from way back in issue 8! (Photo by Serena Star Photography!) Is this issue part of your collection? #sablesincyr #serenastarphotography #bachelorpadmagazine #pinup https://www.instagram.com/p/B79bIUUAqds/?igshid=1hdwtggxnwh4j

[tabloidtoc]

Us, October 7

Cover: Brad Pitt is in love again 

Page 2: Red Carpet -- Margot Robbie’s masterful style 

Page 4: Who Wore It Best? Zendaya vs. Michael B. Jordan, Hailee Steinfeld vs. Minka Kelly 

Page 6: Kirsten Dunst vs. Jennifer Aniston, Olivia Palermo vs. Lana Condor, Olivia Holt vs. Gigi Hadid 

Page 8: Loose Talk -- Thomas Middleditch, Katy Perry, Jennifer Garner, Kendall Jenner, Ryan Reynolds 

Page 10: Contents 

Page 12: Emmy Awards -- Phoebe Waller-Bridge 

Page 13: Sandra Oh, Milo Ventimiglia and Rachel Brosnahan, Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner, Billy Porter 

Page 14: The cast of Game of Thrones, Jharrel Jerome, Amy Poehler and Natasha Lyonne 

Page 15: Busy Philipps and Michelle Williams, Alex Borstein, Laverne Cox 

Page 16: Sam Rockwell, Zendaya, Trend of the Night -- pink and red -- Taraji P. Henson, Marisa Tomei, Mandy Moore, Susan Kelechi Watson 

Page 18: Behind the Scenes -- Ben Whishaw, RuPaul

Page 19: Maya Rudolph, Kerry Washington and Sterling K. Brown, Jon Hamm and Taraji P. Henson 

Page 20: Hot Pics -- Mariska Hargitay, Adam Rippon, Jennifer Lopez 

Page 21: Yolanda Hadid and Kris Jenner, Brie Larson, Sam Smith and Renee Zellweger 

Page 22: Purrfect Pairs -- Beth Stern and Mama Edie Sunshine, Keegan Allen and Tyn, Mayim Bialik, Kat Von D and Piaf, Drew Barrymore and Lucky, Please Adopt, Don’t Shop 

Page 24: Hey, Mama -- Kourtney Kardashian and kids Penelope and Reign, Serena Williams and daughter Alexis Olympia, Kylie Jenner and daughter Stormi, Gabrielle Union and daughter Kaavia, Alessandra Ambrosio and daughter Anja 

Page 25: Chrissy Teigen and daughter Luna, Jana Kramer and son Jace 

Page 26: Stars They’re Just Like Us -- Sarah Jessica Parker, Emily Ratajkowski and dog Colombo, Jane Fonda 

Page 27: David Harbour and Lily Allen, Ariel Winter, Jordana Brewster 

Page 28: Love Lives -- Jennifer Lawrence and Cooke Maroney married at city hall 

Page 29: The key to Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas’ longevity, Rihanna and Hassan Jameel are so different but their personalities mesh, Sarah Hyland is an anti-Bridezilla 

Page 30: Woman Crush -- Drew Barrymore 

Page 32: Hot Hollywood -- Nicole Kidman fighting Scientology for her kids 

Page 33: Leah Remini just found out her father died in August, Demi Lovato and Mike Johnson couple to watch, Charlie Sheen was set to compete on Dancing With the Stars in exchange for a pilot with ABC but bowed out 

Page 34: Kenya Moore and husband Marc Daly split, Jenna Dewan expecting her first child with boyfriend Steve Kazee, Real Life Partners Take the Stage Together -- Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, Rose Byrne and Bobby Cannavale, Andy Karl and Orfeh, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, Megan Mullaly and Nick Offerman 

Page 35: Carter Family Feud -- fears for Aaron Carter, VIP Scene -- Ashlee Simpson Ross, Rose McGowan, Jesse Metcalfe, John Mayer, The Jonas Brothers, Viggo Mortensen, Terry Crews and Rebecca King, Miley Cyrus and Kaitlynn Carter, Liam Payne 

Page 36: What’s in My Bag? AJ Michalka 

Page 37: Five of the women competing on The Bachelor are pageant queens 

Page 38: Cover Story -- Meet Brad Pitt’s new girlfriend Sat Hari Khalsa 

Page 41: Charlize Theron was too much like Angelina Jolie 

Page 42: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle jet-set to Italy to watch their close friend Misha Nonoo get married 

Page 46: Everyone Likes You When You’re 23 -- Timothee Chalamet, Zendaya, Ashton Sanders, Lili Reinhart 

Page 47: Dove Cameron, Tom Holland, Noah Centineo, Sophie Turner 

Page 48: Style -- Hair Accessories -- Zendaya, Hunter McGrady 

Page 49: Ashley Graham, Alessandra Ambrosio 

Page 50: Beauty -- lips -- Lili Reinhart, Jessica Biel 

Page 51: Constance Wu, Katherine Langford 

Page 52: Finn Wittrock on Judy 

Page 54: Entertainment 

Page 55: Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Ariel Winter on the end of Modern Family

Page 58: Fashion Police -- Dascha Polanco, Alessandra Ambrosio

Page 59: Ellie Goulding, Natasha Lyonne 

Page 60: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me -- Keith Morrison 

[mandykeez]

Once upon a time I earned my Bachelor’s (would you like fries with that?) degree in music, took a telemarketing gig that I despised, then made a last-minute unplanned stop on my way home from work one day to Villano’s Music in Lombard to see if they needed a piano teacher. The first person I saw was this rockstar named Steve, red Capezios and all, and the rest is history. Today is our 30th wedding anniversary! We ended up opening our own store before we married, took forever to actually get married, then another forever to have Serena, and here we still are, maybe a little worse for the wear but hey it’s only rock & roll and we like it! #steveandmandy #30years #happyanniversarytous #parkaveguitarz #stevesleez #mandykeez #soulmate #icantbelievewevebeenmarried30years (at Park Ave Guitarz) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWnjrGXg5y1/?utm_medium=tumblr

[girlsgonemildblog]

What the Fuck Does “Sees My Heart” Mean? - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 3 Recap

Image from abc.com

This week picked up right where last week left off with Sarah “fainting”. I put fainting in quotation marks because based on how she acts throughout the rest of the episode, I seriously think she may have been faking it. (We all saw Bridgerton, sweetie.) I am not alone in this thought, either, as Anna and Victoria also indirectly accuse her of feigning her faint.

Sarah is totally fine and apologizes to the other girls for wasting time (her first apology of many). The rose ceremony carries on, and five girls are sent home; four irrelevants (Alana, Illeana, Kristin, and Sydney) as well as enemy-of-the-plastic-crown, Marylynn. Victoria’s talking head tells us that now that Marylynn is gone, she wants to get rid of Sarah next. Victoria is like a sniper picking the girls off one-by-one until she is the last woman standing (of course, she might meet a speedbump when she realizes Matt hates her).

Image from Twitter

The first date of the week is a group date, and to not-at-all-subtly advertise Chris Harrison’s new erotica-novel, the girls are tasked with writing self-insert fan-fiction about Matt. To top it off, they must read it aloud in front of each other, Matt, Chris Harrison, and previous contestant, Ashely I.,  as well as all the other girls who weren’t invited on the date. Katie, the girl who brought the dildo on night one, got really into it, as one would expect, and Victoria’s was so dirty that entire sentences need to be bleeped out. What we did hear included choking and hair-pulling (we do not kink shame here).

Sarah, who was not even on the date but was forced to watch from the sidelines, begins to fall apart. She says it’s hard for her to watch the other girls “be intimate” with Matt. By “be intimate” she means, “stand on stage while giggling over poorly written, nameless, third-person erotica.” I wonder if Kendall Jenner got jealous over fan fiction when she was dating Harry Styles.

The audience girls are dismissed, and we move on to the night portion. Don’t think this is the end of Sarah, though. No, she crashes the group date to tell Matt that him dating 20 other girls is hard for her. No shit. I love how every season, there seems to be one contestant who was not told the concept of the show before they started filming.

Unfortunately for Sarah, she picks the wrong girl to interrupt. Katie takes no shit. First, she goes to the other girls and lets them know what is going on so that they can all join her in being angry. Then, she returns and repeatedly checks in to make it clear to Sarah that she is not stealing all the time. As Sarah is (finally) going to leave, Victoria finds her out front and tells her that it was selfish to interrupt the date.

Image from knowyourmeme.com

Then, Katie comes out and much more eloquently explains to Sarah how her actions were rude. Rachael ends up getting the group date rose; I don’t even remember her and Matt talking, but I guess they did. Here’s her photo in case you (like me) forgot what she looks like:

Image from abc.com

 Anna (pictured below) then tells the camera that she has not spoken to Matt once since arriving and blames Sarah for this. It’s been three weeks though, at some point, it’s on you, Boo. She better get her time in at the cocktail party, or it’s curtains for her. 

Image from abc.com

The next day, Serena P. gets a one-on-one. When Matt arrives, he decides the best way to start a date with another girl is to go jump (literally) into bed with Sarah. Sarah then gives a class on Emotional Manipulation 101 and essentially makes Matt beg her to stay. To call her “needy” would be an understatement.

Image from abc.com

For the date, Matt and Serena (above) go horseback riding and then have a lovely picnic surrounded by nosy donkeys. It was adorable. Serena teaches Matt how to make the perfect charcuterie board, confirming that she is ready for the influencer lifestyle that comes from being on The Bachelor. Of course, based on his tweet last night, Matt might need another lesson.

Image from Twitter

During the night portion, they discuss past relationships, and Matt confesses that he doesn’t think he has ever been in love. Serena tells him that right now, she is “falling in like” with him but could see herself falling in love with him down the road. I like her, as does Matt, but this comment does make me worried that she might be too normal for the show. Matt gives her the rose, so she is at least safe for the next week.

Back at the chateau, Sarah, who had been hiding in her room all day, tries to sit down with the girls and apologize for the previous night. They are having none of it. When she remarks that she has made friendships with some of the women, Victoria asks, “who exactly are you talking about?” No one defends Sarah. She attempts to explain why she did what she did and how she is seriously considering leaving, but she also wants to pursue things with Matt. The girls tell her if she does choose to stay, they will make sure she does not feel welcome.

The next morning, Katie finds Sarah crying alone in a room (she put on a full face of make-up to do this). Katie tells Sarah that she needs to make a decision. If she is leaving, she is wasting Matt’s time that he could be spending with girls who are serious about the process. Katie also points out that if Sarah does have a strong connection with Matt, she needs to explore it until its end because Katie does not want Matt wondering “what if?” or to be Matt’s backup plan. Sarah opens up to Katie about how her dad has only a few weeks to live, and kudos to Katie for not asking her why she would even come on a reality show in the first place then.

Sarah eventually decides to leave, and Katie goes to the other girls to fill them in. Without giving any details, she explains that Sarah had other family stuff she was dealing with and that they all should have been nicer to her. If Katie doesn’t win this season, she’s my pick for Bachelorette.

Sarah goes to tell Matt good-bye, and he again begs her to stay (not good for the other girls). Despite her having assured Katie that she wasn’t leaving because the girls bullied her, she tells Matt that she was chased out by some “really nasty” people still left in the house. She doesn’t do him the courtesy of naming names, though, which means the next week or two will 100% be a witch-hunt. Matt then walks her out in the weirdest way possible.

 As she (fake) cries in the car, she tells the camera that she knows Matt let her go because he “sees her heart”. 

To summarize, the reasons Sarah said she was leaving were that she couldn’t stand watching Matt with the other women and because the other women made her feel unwelcome. Not because of her dying father, just so we’re all clear. Unfortunately, I doubt this is the last we’ll see of her this season.

[abbbbsolutelynot]

Do y’all think Kendall will come between Joe & Serena? 🥴 Recap on Youtube now, link in bio. Huge shoutout to my special guest hosts, @laughingatleighann & Crystal! We had a blast 🧡 Be sure to catch the first half of our convo on their channel: Bachelor Recaps & the Occasional Vlog 🤩 #bachelorinparadise #bip #bachelor #kendall #serena #bachelornation https://www.instagram.com/p/CT43MviFkI7/?utm_medium=tumblr

[fuzzford]

Bachelor in Paradise recap: 'They should've kept paradise outside of Paradise'

Happy Labor Day, rose lovers! To mark the end of summer, Bachelor in Paradise has an extra-juicy episode for us.

But before we get into all of that, I must ask a question raised by the never-ending opening credits: Why does Chris C. need the C when there is no other Chris on the beach? Harrison is gone. Is another Chris coming? Serena dropped the P as soon as Serena C. left. What gives? เว็บพนัน

[javabachelor]

Going to the Bachelor Pad Magazine archives for this one. It’s the beautiful Maria Bella from issue 14! (Photo by Serena Star!) @mariabellamia01 @serenastarboudoir #mariabella #serenastarphotography #bachelorpadmagazine #pinupgirl #pinup #girliemagazine #ilovebachelorpad https://www.instagram.com/p/BsVsx6bg1A5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1g3gtrh7h6yxv

[tabloidtoc]

Life & Style, February 18

Cover: Mila Kunis trapped in a bad marriage to Ashton Kutcher 

Page 1: Please don’t wear fur 

Page 2: Contents

Page 3: Say What?! Ryan Reynolds praising Emily Blunt, Idina Menzel on the Tooth Fairy, Claire Foy, Anne Hathaway on her son hating her voice, Chrissy Teigen on garlic 

Page 4: Top 10 SAG Awards Looks -- Rachel Weisz, Constance Wu, Laura Harrier, Cara Santana, Amy Adams 

Page 5: Emily Blunt, Lady Gaga, Emma Stone, Yara Shahidi, Mandy Moore 

Page 6: Twinning -- Jamie Lee Curtis vs. Timothee Chalamet, Sylvia Hoeks vs. Zendaya Coleman, John Krasinski vs. Chris Pratt 

Page 8: Jenni “JWoww” Farley’s divorce gets nasty 

Page 9: Sober Kelly Osbourne embracing her curves, Throwback -- Jennifer Garner, Biggest Spenders of the Week -- Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, Future, Kylie Jenner, Celine Dion, Cardi B 

Page 10: Viggo Mortensen’s secret love affair, Ryan Reynolds’ daddy-daughter date, Whose T-Shirt Is It? Kendall Jenner, Rita Ora, Kate Beckinsale, Kristin Chenoweth, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry 

Page 12: Anne Hathaway has vowed to stay sober until her son is grown but she could have used a drink when recent film Serenity flopped 

Page 13: Bachelor in Paradise’s Tanner and Jade Tolbert expecting baby no. 2, Cameron Diaz and Nicole Richie’s girls’ night out, VIP Style -- Kristin Chenoweth, Pete Davidson, Naomi Watts, Teresa Giudice, Hailee Steinfeld, Hilary Swank, Alan Cumming, Bobby Flay 

Page 14: The Week in Photos -- Celine Dion 

Page 15: Animal Planet’s Dave Salmoni with a zebra and Tracy Morgan on Jimmy Kimmel, Ed Helms and Demi Moore 

Page 16: Serena Williams and daughter Alexis, Cara Delevingne, Busy Philipps and Chris Sullivan of This Is Us 

Page 18: Alex Pettyfer, Angelina Jolie and daughter Vivienne, Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager and Blindspot actress Jaimie Alexander 

Page 19: Taraji P. Henson with fiance Kelvin Hayden and Mary J. Blige 

Page 20: Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell with Andy Cohen on WWHL, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin, Khloe Kardashian 

Page 22: Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow on The Ellen DeGeneres Show

Page 23: Pete Davidson, Sienna Miller and daughter 

Page 24: Rita Ora, Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson, Avril Lavigne and Macy Gray 

Page 26: Stars Behaving Badly -- Jamie Foxx, Kate Hudson, Jaden Smith 

Page 30: Kourtney Kardashian’s new man is David Dee Duron 

Page 31: Chris Harrison’s new girl Lauren Zima using him for fame, Rami Malek and Lucy Boynton living together, Romance Report Card -- Alex Rodriguez, Jessica Biel, Taran Killam 

Page 32: Anna Faris wants her boyfriend Michael Barrett to propose after her ex Chris Pratt got engaged to Katherine Schwarzenegger 

Page 33: Debra Messing’s dating dry spell, John Cusack is on the celeb dating app Raya 

Page 34: Cover Story -- Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher marriage problems 

Page 38: Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan fighting over daughter 

Page 40: Sandra Bullock secretly married 

Page 42: Lady Gaga and Margot Robbie over feuding over Bradley Cooper, the same roles, red-carpet snubs and who is Hollywood’s newest golden girl 

Page 44: Fab at 50 -- Cate Blanchett 

Page 45: Catherine Zeta-Jones 

Page 46: Gwen Stefani, Ellen Pompeo, Jennifer Lopez 

Page 47: Renee Zellweger, Jennifer Aniston 

Page 48: Who Lives Here? Tia Mowry-Hardrict

Page 50: Entertainment 

Page 51: Star Review -- Teddi Mellencamp

Page 52: Valentine’s Gifts -- Karlie Kloss 

Page 55: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively 

Page 56: Beauty -- Emily Ratajkowski 

Page 58: Beauty Crush -- Rachel Brosnahan 

Page 60: How She Got That Body -- Kate Upton

Page 62: The Fabulous Life of Taylor Swift 

Page 64: Diva or Down-to-Earth -- Alessandra Ambrosio, Alec Baldwin and son Rafael, Ben Affleck 

Page 66: Social Stars Posts of the Week -- Mandy Moore and Jon Huertas and Eric Baker and Faithe C. Herman of This Is Us, Jennifer Garner, Kourtney Kardashian and Luka Sabbat and Fai Khadra, animal activist Ricky Gervais 

Page 67: Khloe Kardashian’s daughter True, Dua Lipa, David Beckham and Karlie Kloss and Jonah Hill 

Page 68: Horoscope -- Aquarius Jennifer Aniston, They’re Not Together But They Should Be -- Gemini Iggy Azalea and Libra Eminem

Page 70: Made Ya Look -- Meghan Markle and Prince Harry 

Page 72: What I’m Into -- Gus Smyrnios

[hummingzone]

Thomas Brings the Drama With Tre and Serena P. on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

Thomas Brings the Drama With Tre and Serena P. on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

Déjà vu alert! Thomas Jacobs had to face his controversial past during the Tuesday, August 24, episode of Bachelor in Paradise. First, the cast learned their new guest host was Lance Bass. He introduced himself by playing ‘NSync’s “It’s Gonna Be Me” on a boombox. He then announced that new men would be arriving soon as control of the roses shifted to the women. The first to come in was Thomas,…

[girlsgonemildblog]

There’s No Place like Nemacolin Resort and Spa - The Bachelor, Season 25, Week 8 Recap

Image from abc.com

There are only four girls left (Michelle, Serena P., Rachael, and Bri), which means we have officially arrived at Hometowns Week. It somehow feels both like it took forever to get here thanks to the exhausting drama and like we got here way too quickly, thanks to there being 36 contestants and TEN remaining at the beginning of the previous week. Due to that pesky pandemic, traveling across the country (and to Canada) in one week was not an option for Matt, so all the girls’ families had to come to him.

The first girl up was Michelle. When Matt and her meet, they discover that they are wearing matching outfits, once again proving that they are soul mates. Michelle has planned a bike ride for them, and the producers secured adorable bikes with wicker baskets. I cannot ride a bike and therefore I was quite jealous of how romantic a bike-riding date seemed.

Their ride ends at a huge lecture hall (seriously, what DOESN’T Nemacolin have on property?) and on the projection screen is a zoom with Michelle’s elementary school students. I am not too proud to admit that I cried when I saw this. The children do not hold back at all, laying into him with questions like, “Have you kissed?”, “Do you want to have babies?” and “Are you going to give Michelle a rose?”. There was also my personal favorite to ask when meeting a new guy my friend is seeing, “How many girlfriends do you have?” Matt handled the third-degree like a pro, and the kids seemed to give him their stamp of approval.

That night, Matt met the family, and Michelle’s dad had the best voice I have ever heard. While speaking with his daughter alone, he asks if she would say yes if Matt proposes, and Michelle nods without hesitation. Mr. Michelle’s Dad then speaks with Matt privately and asks him if he is in love with Michelle. Matt responds that he is falling for Michelle, but he is not going to tell her he loves her until he is ready. What Dad doesn’t know, though, is that Matt has told other girls (namely Rachael) that he loves them, so this is a bad sign for Michelle.

After meeting the family, Michelle and Matt go outside to talk one-on-one before saying goodbye. Matt mentions that he is willing to move to Minnesota for her, and she tells him that she is falling in love with him. Matt responds with what Michelle described as “a positive smile,” which I guess is a bit better than the “thank you for sharing that with me” that Jessenia got.

The next day Matt has a date with Rachael, who, for some reason, decided skydiving was a good idea. As they’re about to board the plane that they’ll be jumping out of, Matt asks, “what could possibly go wrong?” Call me superstitious, but that is just BEGGING for a parachute not to open.

Nothing that bad happens, but Rachael does take quite a tumble while landing (you can see the slo-mo here), which may have been caused by the fact that her guide was a child.

Picture from Twitter

Matt rushes to her side and has a full existential crisis over thinking she was dead, and Rachael just stares at him like, “Dude. I’m fine.”

Before they even meet the parents, we see her dad expressing his doubts that they could have fallen in love so quickly. Rachael hopes that Matt will ask her dad for his blessing (further evidence that she is not aware that it is not 1950), but it’s probably fortunate Matt didn’t do this since it seems unlikely her dad would’ve given it. When they are saying their goodbyes, Matt tells Rachael he didn’t ask because he doesn’t want to ask everyone’s parents just to check a box (unintentional ricochet shot at former-Bachelor, Colton), but when he is sure, he will call her dad and ask. Rachael is disappointed to learn that the other three girls aren’t being strung along just for content.

The next morning, Matt meets up with Bri to go off-roading in a neon-green Jeep as a callback to their first date when they wiped out on ATVs. At night, Matt meets Bri’s mother and her best friend, who is also named Bri. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they react to people with the same name as them. Personally, if I meet another Maddie, I immediately hate them. There can only be one.

Bri’s mom also brought Bri’s newborn sister, and Matt was TERRIFIED of the baby. When Bri speaks with her mom alone, they have a beautiful conversation, and her mom tells her that, worst-case scenario, they’ll be mending a broken heart together. Wow. I fucking love moms. I’m emotional just thinking about that line.

As they say goodbye, Bri tells Matt she loves him, and he answers with another version of “thank you for sharing that with me.” It might be curtains for Bri soon.

Serena P. is the final date. Her Canadian heritage is very important to her, so she (read: a team of production assistants) creates a mini-museum to teach Matt about Canada. She was adorably excited. Activities included pointing out her hometown on a map, reviewing flashcards of common Canadian slang, and tasting traditional dishes like poutine and nanaimo bars. The date was so cute that I am currently eating poutine as I write this, in Serena’s honor. They finish with a game of one-on-one hockey.

At night, Matt meets Serena’s family. Her mom is wondering what made Matt pick Serena out of 30+ girls. I know my parents would also be like, “why would you pick her?” if I was ever on this show. When Serena talks to her sister alone, she tells her that she is falling for Matt but not yet “in love” with him. Then her sister does what only a sister can do and calls her on her bullshit. The sister tells Serena that she can tell something is missing because Serena clearly isn’t smitten and says she knows this is due to Serena overthinking. Serena then talks to her mom and breaks down, talking about how her last relationship left her with baggage, and now she overthinks everything. She then says, “I want to be out of my head for like five minutes,” and dear lord did I feel that.

The next day, Matt is left with the feeling that something isn’t right with Serena, so he goes to talk to her before the rose ceremony. They have a conversation, and Serena admits that she just doesn’t feel like Matt is her person. They break up, and she then walks him out, like the queen she is.

Now that there are only three girls left, the rose ceremony is strictly ceremonial. Before it begins, Matt admits to the girls that Serena broke up with him (usually the Bachelor spins it to save face) and says that these roses are important to him, so they better take accepting them seriously. All three girls get a rose, obviously, and Bri starts to question why she got the last one and if it means her relationship is in trouble. I want to say she’s just overthinking it, but I do have to consider that he didn’t say he was in-love back. Unfortunately, we will have to wait two weeks to find out, as next week is the Women Tell All. Lord help us.

[m-00kie]

‘BIP’: Grocery Store Joe Fears He’ll ‘Lose’ Serena P. As She Goes On A Date With Thomas

After falling for Serena P. on 'Bachelor in Paradise,' Joe Amabile had to sit back and watch her date another man on the show's Aug. 24 episode. source https://hollywoodlife.com/2021/08/24/bachelor-in-paradise-thomas-serena-p-date-joe-amabile-recap/