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allandoflimbo · 2 years

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Ashens (Part 35)

Summary: She falls in love with Bucky Barnes from the moment she sees him. Bucky, still in love with a woman from his past, hates Y/N and plans to make her life miserable. To both their dismay, they are assigned together to go undercover into The Capitol for six months. There, they develop a heartbreaking friend with benefits agreement. Dystopian.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Rating: M for Mature, E for explicit. Enemies to lovers trope, sharing a bed trope, friends with benefits trope, temporarily unrequited love, heavy and angry sex, heavy on the angst, and very strong language.

Back Then…

[When they had gotten back to his apartment, he had her against his door and his lips were on hers.]

This was it.

He grabbed her gorgeous legs, pulling them around his waist.

That seemed to have done the job perfectly because he felt himself growing hard for her.

“Please.” She pleaded desperately over his lips. He pulled away from her for a second and just stared at her beautiful face trying to take it all in. Reality hit them like a truck as he caressed her cheek with his thumb.

This was goodbye, for at least a little while.

He leaned in slowly, and this kiss was different. It was love and care, but it had so much need behind it. A need for forever.

He felt tears building behind his lids as the thought of never getting the chance of holding her like this ever again tried to take over his brain. She tightened her legs around him, her hands going to the straps of his belt.

“God, I missed you, Daisy,” He moaned against her mouth. He brought his right hand between her legs, pushing her panties to the side. He slid one finger from her clit down her slick slit and her head fell back with a thud against his door. She groaned out loud at the sensation that wracked through her body, “Missed the sounds you make. I love you so much.” He growled against her.

She ran her hands through his hair and pulled his face away from her neck to kiss him deeply again. She nodded against him as her hips met the rhythm of his hand, confirming that she felt the same way.

“Please take me, James.”

He walked them over to his bed and gently laid her down. She stared up at his lustful eyes, her lips swollen from his kiss, and her dress bundled up at her waist.

Bucky didn’t waste two seconds to pull it off her. Next, she helped him pull off his uniform jacket and shirt, revealing his gorgeous abs that she wanted to lick over with her tongue. Next, she removed his pants.

She slowly tucked her fingers into the underside of his underwear as she bit her lip. It was obvious that she was teasing him.

“Just take it off.” He ordered.

She did as told and practically whimpered as his hard cock was revealed to her. She sat up and reached behind herself to unclasp her bra.

When he saw her perky breasts, he leaned down and kissed her once more. The first time they had sex it was different. It was innocent and timid, but now that he knew her body and she wasn’t so shy anymore, it was more carnal. The first time was about opportunities and their future. But this, this felt like goodbye.

“I can’t wait, Daisy. I need you. He confessed as he laid her down all the way. She nodded against him, understanding.

He stretched out his left hand to hold onto the headboard while the other grabbed his pulsing shaft. She spread her legs and he slid into her with a long moan.

He looked down at her and watched as she arched her neck back in pleasure, the nails of her left hand digging into his sides.

“Faster.” She moaned.

The other thing that was different about this time was how fast it was. The first time it lasted for almost an hour, they had made love in the most sensual way that left his skin crawling. This time they were both so close so fast, they just needed that release due to being away from each other for so long.

She was practically screaming as he fucked her fast and oh so deliciously into the bed below her. It was so good that after only a few minutes she was looking down at the spot where they both met, her lips formed into a perfect o.

She started nodding quickly, “I’m gonna cum.” She cried. Bucky groaned as he twitched inside of her, his pleasure growing just as strong as hers. He was right behind her. He put his other arm up on the headboard too, letting his restless hips do all the work.

All that was heard in the room was the sound of skin slapping on skin and their moaning.

He picked up his pace as he stared deeply into the blue orbs. When she shut her eyes she let out a silent scream, and he felt her clench around his cock.

That did it for him, “That’s it. That’s it.” he whimpered.

He increased his speed until he felt his own end approaching, and it was going to be strong. When it did, he groaned, tightening his grips on the headboard, making it bang against the wall behind them. He continuously slammed his hips harsh against her.

“Fuck.”

He groaned slipping out of her. She watched in awe and as he stroked himself so fast his hand became a blur - little spurts of white falling over her pretty tummy.

His eye drifted back to her face and he watched as a smile played on her lips. Her face was extremely flushed as she bit her bottom lip in a way that made him want to take her again. He chuckled lightly. It made his heart heavy, and he knew that now was the perfect time to ask her what he had been wanting for the last two years.

He let go of the bed and laid himself next to her. He placed his left hand above her hand and the other on the side of her face. They watched each other in complete love before he kissed her long and hard.

When he pulled away, she felt him slightly shaking and noticed the look of nervousness in his eyes. She swallowed hard.

“Daisy,” he whispered. He traced her features with his hand, and just like that the fear escaped his eyes, and instead of scared he was now feeling complete love and he was ready because knew this is what he wanted forever. He wanted her.

+ + +

Now

“You know I don’t mean to put you on the spot, right?” Will asks you as he sits next to you on the bed.

“What do you mean?” You ask, genuinely confused.

“Like when I came in here the first time questioning you about Barnes.”

You let out an annoyed groan.

“Stop—“

“No, please, let me explain myself. Please, Y/N.”

The look he was giving you was too kind to pass up. Damn you for being such a nice guy.

“Fine. Talk.”

He put his plate of tomatoes down and turned to fully face you.

“I know you, Y/N. You know I do. I know you well enough to know you are trully happy right now,” he gives you a small smile, “You’re so happy. I hadn’t seen you this happy in years.” You can’t help but smile yourself.

“I am.”

“I know. I know you are.” He nods and then takes your hand into his, “You know I’m not one for gossip. I don’t like to hear drama unless it’s from the direct source.”

“You always were bit of a sap.”

He smirks.

“Sure, but it’s true.”

“Alright. What gossip did you hear.”

His eyes search yours.

“After I became better friends with Jess and Steve, I started asking more questions about your mission. Simply because you were my best friend and I was so worried about you and was overall curious. I know it was your dream to always go on an avenger mission but this was different, ya know? So I asked.”

“Sure.” You nod, understanding.

“They told me how strong you were, how you stood tall on two feet, how you stabbedd a guy through the chest, and all this amazing stuff about you, and I thought to myself,” you couldn’t help the perk of your lips as he told you the story, “that’s the girl I know.” Something happens to his tone as he says the last part. He almost sounded sad, “Bucky was well loved, too. I also heard great things about him. It helped me sleep at night, knowing you were in safe hands.” He jaw tenses at that. His words were nice, but his posture was off.

“I was. I was safe.”

“I know that too. You’re here with me now, aren’t you? He saved you.”

Will tugs a strand of your hair behind your left ear, his eyes on it as they pull away from your gaze.

“Tell me what you are thinking, Will.”

“I know you also had a tense relationship before you left,” you can’t help the scoff that leaves your lips, “I know you were always a sucker for those enemies to lovers tropes,” You smile at that. He continues to play with that strand now dangling neard the bottom of your ear, “Just tell me he didn’t hurt you. That’s all I need to know,” your whole demeanour closes in at his words, “I know he’s a good guy and all that, but knowing you andd the kind of person you are and seeing how much you’ve changed in ways only I can probably tell, I need you to tell me.”

You tense up at his words, pulling away from him. You grab his hand next to your face and you place it down on the bed.

With hard eyes and a cold tone you say:

“He never touched me like that.”

His insinuating words hurt, but at the same time you couldn’t help but feel emotionally transparent. You couldn’t help but feel nude in front of him. You were a changed person since you left, but it wasn’t because of Bucky.

No.

“You need to stop playing games with my heart,” you whimper out, “You think I’ve been able to handle this? I met you, I saw something good in you, I saw a good man, and you belittled me, but I still liked you for it because I knew that couldn’t be the real you. It couldn’t be. And then I tell you I like you and you go to using me every day like I’m,” the memories hit both of you like a freight train and more tears cloud your vision, some leaking over your cheek bones, “like I’m some kind of fleshlight. Like I’m just some wet hole to make you get off,” you growl, thinking about all the times after sex when you had wanted him to hold you and tell you he was lying when he said he didn’t feel the same way, but he never did, “Don’t you see what that did to me? You said Hydra messed you up? Look at what you did to me! I’m the aftermath of your doing. I was never like this before I met you!”

Will kept giving you that look. Like he could read you inside and out.

“I don’t mean physically.“ He says quietly.

You could feel the tears gathering in your eyes. They blinded your vision. Will soon became nothing but a blurry shadow.

“No. Sure, we both had our arguments, but our relationship was stable. Healthy. Tender.” You whisper, voice wavering.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

You could practically feel your molers smash together at this point at how hard you were trying to keep your composure.

“I know.” Is all you can say, “but there is nothing to tell.”

Will stares at you for one more beat before finally nodding his head.

“Alright.” He brings you in for a tight hug, and it’s when his hand comforts you by running up and down that you finally let the tears fall free, “Then I’m sorry my judgdment was off.”

You close your eyes tightly together.

You loved Bucky with all your heart. Sure the months at the capitol were rough and not an easy experience, but he loved you.

You loved each other. Deeply.

+ + +

Daisy had let him into her home four hours ago, and he had been in the same spot, that overlooked the city, for three and a half.

He knew he needed rest, but his body would have to do it sitting down because it was not ready to deal with what had just been revealed to him.

Daisy was alive.

Just over five months ago he thought he was still madly in love with her, then he’d slowly moved on, finding love somewhere else. Then he’d make the connection that all the time he’d spent thinking about Daisy, he was possibly tricked into falling in love with someone who actually worked for Hydra.

It was too much.

He’s slighy bent over on the ouch, his eyes on his clapsed hands between his knees.

He sees her shadow walk past him and into her kitchen for the umpteenth time that evening. He could predict what she’d do next and he’d be right.

Sink will run.

He hears the sound of the sink running and then a cling of porcelain plates.

It was too domestic for him.

The sound of a home. A sound of the present.

All of it was odd.

At least it felt like the fever was somewhat dissipating. He now only felt fatigue, no more nausea or feverish. He tries to ignore her when she walks back down the hall way again, gone for a few minutes, and continues to ignore her when she finally sits down diagonal from him on the other couch.

“How are you feeling?” She whispers. He only scoffs. He rubs his forehead and temple with his thumb and pointer finger, “Bruce is already asleep. He said you guys had a very long walk here from where you are camped. You should get some sleep, too.”

He doesn’t know what it is. He doesn’t know if it’s the exhaustion, the confusion, the overhleming and mixed emotions, or if it’s Daisy’s disregard for how strange this entire situation is.

He looks her dead in the eye and moves up on the couch until they are closer in proximity.

“I don’t fucking need you.”

He watches her fallen and stunned expression. He leans over more, this time letting his eyes drift to the floor, and runs both his hands over his face.

“Mommy?”

The little voice nearly breaks his heart in two. And when he raises his head, chin leaning on his hands, his heart breaks even more.

There’s a second of silence before Daisy responds.

“Mommy will be right there, sweetie.” Her voice shakes when she says it.

Looking dead in Bucky’s eyes is a little blonde girl with dark green eyes. In her left hand is a little pink bunny with long ears and long arms; raggedy. She holds the bunny tighter to her chest, almost looking intimidated by Bucky. Before Bucky has the chance to figure out if he should attempt a small smile despite his harsh words at this girl’s mother, Daisy gets up and makers her way to the little girl, completely getting in the way of his sight of the girl.

Bucky’s eyes drops to the ground.

She says his name softly and he looks up to meet her eyes again.

“I didn’t know she was there.” He says softly with genuined regret. Daisy nods. Bucky’s stare moves from the ground to his hands. He’s silent for a few long seconds as he starts picking at his fingers before he speaks again. “I have so many questions but, I can’t seem to formulate them.”

“Take your time.”

He can’t help the grimace on his face at her words as he looks up to finally meet her eyes again.

Her response is almost comical to him.

“No. Don’t you get that?” He whispers harshly, “I don’t know anything about you that I thought I did. Or about life in general. I don’t know how long you’ve even been alive, but I’m guessing you’ve been awake a lot longer than I have since this entire time you had a whole husband and kids.” He narrows his eyes at her, “it might’ve been a couple ten years for you since I last saw you, but for me it felt like just yesterday.” Daisy runs a hand through her hair. He lowered his voice as he asked the next question, to not cause a commotion in the living room. “Are you hydra?” He searched her troubled eyes as he asked her the same question she had already asked, “You know who I am so don’t even bother lying to me.”

She slowly shook her head.

“I told you. I’m not.”

He couldn’t help the anger he felt. He didn’t know why he was angry. Her not being Hydra was a good thing afterall, but he was. He quickly shook his head and grabbed his strands with one hand.

“I don’t —none of it makes sense. Some of it just doesn’t add up. I know I’m troubeld, but not that much.”

Daisy looks down at her own hands in her lap.

“My father was,” she starts softly, “He took me when I was waiting for you to come back,” she looks up at him, “I was waiting for you to come back. I loved you deeply.” Bucky’s eyes drift away from hers at her words, “The murder article was fake. I was taken from my apartment, blindfolded. Papa paid off some guy to write it up and publish it. I then woke up in Siberia.” Bucky’s face fell with each word, his skin paling, “I don’t want to lie to you, and if you remember as well as I know you do, you know that I knew my family wasn’t completely innocent. But I didn’t think it was Hydra. That never even entered my mind.”

“You thought about me even once?”

“Whenever I was conscience I thought of you constantly. You were my first love. And I chased you down. I did. I tried.”

“But you clearly stayed with them. You got as far as taking this city and living in it as Hydra. You’re complicet. You’re own husband, even. You married into it. You didn’t have any issues staying with them.”

“Can you hear me out, James?”

Bucky ignores her.

“Your son—he has the serum. That’s how he survived,” Daisy could see the wheels turning in his head, “but you clearly also have it. I know it’s not it but, he isn’t…”

“He’s not yours. Neither is Sophie.” she could notice his body relax slightly.

Daisy notices this.

“I’m deeply sorry for all of this, James. I wish I had found you sooner. I wish none of this happened this way. Hydra ruined our life. They took yours away.” Bucky swallows hard, “I had been in cryo on and off for sixty years. I was awake, though for most of the eightees and ninetees. After my father died, they needed more help spawing.”

“Spawing?” Bucky says in disgust.

“Yes. Give them super children that they could later experiment on and do who knows what else.” Her voice broke and Bucky opened and closed his hands.

“It never took. It might’ve been the men they chose, who knows. After some time, they gave up. I was put back under. I was woken up about eleven years ago. I met Ashen when I was still held captive. I woke up delirous one morning and thought I had been saved. He convinced me of so. For years I was convinced. He took me away where he helped me build a life again in Chicago. I never suspected a thing. Maybe it was my ignorance to thinking things could ever go bad again. Maybe I refused to beleive it. But we fell in love. It was mutual and genuine, despite his big lie. We married shortly after,” Bucky’s eyes go to her empty ring finger, “We had Sophia and Ashens. After that is when he started hitting me.” Bucky watches as her body language closed it, almost scared of herself. She began fidgeting with her sleeve, “It got bad. I no longer loved him, but for a while I did. We had genuine feelings for each other and I tried to get him to leave Hydra but he didn’t. I guess he used that annoyance of me trying to tell him to leave, on me.”

Bucky sat there in silence as he let it all sick in.

“So it was real? Us?”

She squints one eye at him and side of her lip twitches.

“Of course, James,” Bucky nods to himself as he takes in the information. But where did that put them now? He can’t help the questions that come to him at once, “We were young and in love. We were kids.”

“Kids that never got to properly grow up.” He says under his breath.

“If it’s any concilation to either of us, I have two beautiful children, one of which you’ve already saved from the life I’m trying to escape, and you,” their eyes meet again, “You’ve grown. You’re a hero. An Avenger.”

Bucky swallows the knot in his throat.

“I—” he can’t help it but he looks away, “I mourned your lost for years. I didn’t want anyone else for the longest time, and that got in the way of so much,” his voice breaks, “but this was recent for me and that’s the thing. You,” he looks back up at her, small tears in his eyes, “You’ve been living for so long and you had time to come to terms with everything, even as messed up as it was, and I get that,” he licks his lips and scoffs, looking back down at his hands, “but I’ve only had about five years. And I know that’s a long time to keep thinking about someone you need to move on from, but you were the last good thing I remembered.” The weight of his words are heavy on her and she physically deflates, her shoulders sagging forward. “I think it’ll take time again to just digest all of this. Disgest the fact that what happened between us happened and that were are now where we are, especially when I thought you were dead. It’ll take time.”

“I understand completely.”

Bucky takes a deep breath, finally feeling a little less tense than a few minutes ago.

“I want to ask you a favor, if I’m allowed to.” Daisy says quietly. Bucky narrows his eyes at her, “Me and Sophia. We’d like to leave here. I’m sure you and your team have something else planned, but we would like to stay with you and your friends, away from hydra as much as possible. We want safety, and I’d like to be reunited with my son.”

“Of course. That won’t be a problem.” Bucky says without hestiancy that he can’t control.

Daisy smiles softly.

“I’m not sure if you’re feeling better yet, but I did make some soup for supper. If you’re hungry.” Daisy asks gently.

Bucky feels his stomach turn a little, but also perk up at the sound of food.

“Sure. I’ll have a little.”

Bucky follows her into her kitchen area. He doesn’t take a seat at one of the barstools facing the island, but instead stands to the side next to the pot where Daisy quickly fixes him a plate, not even giving him time to offer to do it himself.

It all still feels so odd, especially watching her like this. Alive and, again, so domestic.

“Please sit.” She says kindly as she covers the pot and grabs the filled bowl off the conter, placing it down on the island.

“Thank you.” He thanks her, grabbing the spoon she offers him.

Bucky eats for a few minutes in silence as Daisy finishes putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. He rushes to drink the last of his soup and then walks up to her sink. He grabs the still soapy sponge with the one metal arm and tries as best he can with the one arm to clean it. It’s not working out as he gets water all over his shirt.

Daisy lets out a small chuckle.

“I know you’re trying to help, but you’re the one that needs it right now, James. What you need is rest.” She takes the bow l form him and quickly washes and rinses it. She looks over at him, “How’s it looking?” Her eyes go down to his flesh arm.

He clears his throat and slowly takes a step back. He rolls up his sleeve.

The dark green from before is now a lime color and the veins that were darker, now almost back to their purple and blue shade.

“It looks better.” He says, almost in disbelife.

“Good.”

He nods and rolls the sleeve back down.

Their eyes meet once again after the bowl is drying upside down in the rack.

“You’re still the same silly guy I remember.” She says lightly and with a sweet voice.

+ +

“That girl you came with, the one off the video feed, I don’t recognize her from the team.”

Bucky’s heart swells and he feels butterflies in his tummy.

“No, yeah she’s not an Avenger or an agent.” Daisy frowns at that.

“She’s just a civilian? Isn’t that a dangerous move for the mission and for her?”

Bucky nods.

“Yeah, it was. I was worried when they told me she’d be the one to come along. I was so scared I would lose her.” Bucky vents.

Daisy notices his choice of words and the emotion behind them.

“She’s special to you.”

Bucky smiles.

“Yeah. Yeah, she is. She’s my girlfriend. After I finally moved on from you, I fell in love again.” He says slowly and quietly.

Daisy gazes at him tenderly.

“I’m so happy for you. She’s beautiful.”

“She is, yes,” he takes in a deep breath, “she’s my best girl.” Daisy notices as Bucky’s smile drifts away and he starts biting at his bottom lip.

“You okay?” “Yeah, I just get worried when she’s not near me. I trust Steve to keep her safe, but I still get scared.”

“I’m sure she’s fine, and counting down the days to see you again.”

“We’re having a baby,” Bucky says quickly. Daisy’s mouth is agape at his sudden declaration, “I was already so paranoid about her safety before, but now, it’s even more and I didn’t think it was possible to surpass my level of fear that I had.”

“It’s natural, to feel that kind of protection over your child. Unborn or not, it’s your baby.”

Bucky bites his bottom lip at the beautiful words.

“Well, this might mike this next part easier then. There’s something else I need to tell you,” Bucky narrows his eyes at her, “All of you.”

“Say it.”

She takes in a deep breath. “When Ashen got ahold of The Capitol and all the intel, it was discovered a secluded city just outside of Manchester, Vermont,” Bucky’s eyebrows furrow together, “They called it Doma. It’s isolated, uninhabited, suposedly fully stocked, safe, protected just as much as the city. Unsettled. A town nobody knows of that is ready to rebuild life when life is ready to be rebuilt.” Bucky sat up taller at her words in disbeliefe.

The thought of him helping his family grown in some kind of normal life sent a tremor through his heart.

Hope.

“You mean, like a regular town? Safe-safe?”

“Yes,” she nods, “Appearantly, Ashen was planning on later telling all the other Hydra members about it once he knew it was a good time to start going outside the wall again, but he’s gone, and we have the cure, and we have a group of you ready for that life. I’m sure your baby would love warm crib and a shot at normalcy.” Bucky couldn’t control his emotions. He quickly brought in Daisy for a tight hug, “And you, you could finally live that life you’ve always wanted.”

+ +

You desperately shook your head back and forth.

“Not yet. Not yet.” “Y/N—”

“She’s not fully developed! It’s only been a few months, she won’t make it. And Bucky—we need him. He’ll be here soon, just a few more days.”

Will gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

“Everything will be okay.” He whispered kindly into the side of your head.

You sniffed, gripping the sheets tighter into your fists. With that you took one more deep breath and finally laid down. Everyone stood around you, trying to prepare for the inevitable.

+ +

+ + +

Things took a turn for the bad later that same evening. You weren’t sure what was happening, nobody really did, but you knew it wasn’t good. It certainly didn’t feel good.

You sat on the bed, both arms stretched on either side of you, as you took in deep breaths to try to help ease the sharp pain you kept feeling in your uterus over and over again.

Will sat on your left as he rubbed your upper back, his heart breaking in two as he watched you toss and turn in pain.

“We’re here!” Jessica ran into your (Bucky’s) tent, with Steve in tow. Steve’s face fell as he watched you wince and grit your teeth.

He walked up to you and kneeled down in front of you. His eyes fell down to your tummy.

“It’s grown twice in size since earlier today.” Will explains, heavy concern tainting his voice that left you even more on edge.

You met Steve’s eyes. He looked at you in pity.

You knew the look on his face and you started shaking your head back and forth.

“No. Not before he’s here. We have to wait for him.”

“Y/N…” steve whispered.

“I’m not even six months along yet. It’s too soon!” You winced and groaned, closing your eyes tightly together as another sharp pin rattled through your uterus.

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