#the anger will always be justified but its clear they all feel a little guilty about it. some more than others

[mxdotpng]

though i don't think it's right to say the party didn't like luke before he changed. there are a lot of times where its obvious they do have some sort of attachment to him even if its obscured by how annoyed and/or frustrated he makes them. like when luke went back to baticul for the first time and everyone was trying to cheer him up and go sightseeing together, or when they were worried about him during their trip to choral castle. they were rightfully biased, as they saw the forefront of his behavior, but if they hadn't liked him at all they wouldn't have agreed to travel with him again, nor would their feelings after akzeriuth be so personal.

[anomalouscutie]

idk. i never want anyone to worry bc i feel guilty about making people worry but i do recognize that i used to isolate so i could kill myself without it being an issue, and on some level that still rings true, and given that im now living alone it really wouldnt be too difficult and my direct impact on others would be as minimal as its ever been. which unfortunately does make the prospect all that more tantalizing. and its all made worse by the fact that im calm when i think all of this, theres no immediate anger or sadness i can point to to justify why this is so easy to consider, and i think i should be able to talk myself out of it because i feel relatively clear of mind. but im just not really sure i want to, ultimately i value my life very little and the idea of trying to get better doesnt seem impossible but i think ive been alienated from my own humanity and desires for so long that i cant imagine ever being glad to exist? i think there is something intrinsic to my life specifically that makes me inherently unworthy of living, and despite everything i struggle to imagine anyone feeling anything more to the news of my hypothetical death than ambivalence or faux concern. oddly the idea that people would forget me is a comforting thought rather than anything else, which makes sense i suppose given that the inverse has always been burdensome. idk. realistically speaking i will most likely die by suicide at some point its just a matter of making sure theres enough thematic relevance for it to be a fitting climax. which i know is like objectively insane to say but idgaf im not a person i just exist for the sake of others and in this case its knowing people would be better off without me and planning a well enough timed suicide that it makes people laugh or something at the very least

[bloodyshadow1]

Watched season 5 of big mouth because the show's a guilty pleasure. It was funny and I liked most of it.

Surprisingly I liked how they did Nick's storyline even if I didn't like the storyline itself. I dreaded since the trailer his plot this season since our seemed like they were just going to do a crush storyline again with him pinning over her the whole season, with them maybe getting together in the end or future. But they didn't,they nipped it in the bud quickly, made it clear that it wasnt going to happen, and never rewards nick for his behavior. Jessi finally snaps and gives him a harsh public verbal beatdown of how they'll never be together because he again tries to ambush her with a grand gesture instead of accepting the rejection. Nick becomes a little dick filled with hate towards her and towards everyone, but the show surprisingly never takes his side.

He's constantly blaming jessi for what happened when it's clear it's not about him. She's not leading him on which missy (his current partner in hate) points out that nick ambushed her trying to get her to love him and while harsh she left him have it. He makes her "affair" with Ali blaming her for not telling him that she liked Ali instead of him. I didnt like watching his parts because he's a little asshole, but it's okay because the show makes sure the audience is aware we arent supposed to be on his side. I will say my complaint would be its almost like season 4 taken to an extreme, too the point if redundancy. I almost wish they left nick in a bad place in season 4 because it could have smoothly transitioned into his behavior in this season. They put him in a good place at the end of season 4 only to make him this way in 5, even the end feels them same with him meeting another version of himself and finding some comfort with him.

Andrew didn't do much this season, most of his obsessive and creepy behaviors only last the one so with the teacher. The rest of the time hes trying to be sensitive and comforting but mostly backfires, but does yield some good wholesome moments.

I really liked Missy's storyline. Like nick she becomes full of hate, but unlike him she has more valid reasons. Between jessi taking over her meeting, then blowing her off when she demanded an apology, then having her cool older cousins be mean to her, then having her parents refused to see the problem shes going through leads to a perfect storm where she becomes a malicious monster. The show does a good job of showing that while her anger is justified her behavior isnt. She is wrong for posting untrue insulting rumors about Ali and jessi, but the show makes it clear Jessi and her cousins were also wrong for how they treated her. She starts to get better when she gets genuine apologies and apologizes to ali. She realizes she doesn't like how being hateful makes her feel and it becomes a healing process.WE also got to see a more postive caring side of mona which was nice.  She is still a mess and a dumpster fire, but you can see how she does care about Missy, like the other monsters, and doing her best to try and help however she can

Jessi s arc was also great her and Ali were cute and her struggling with her crush and friendship with her and choosing to be a good friend for now. The show does a good job making sure to never endorse her behavior towards missy and samira as anything but shitty, and doesn't make it okay that it's because she's struggling with her new found bi/pan ness. Which the show also does a good job recognizing that, as she still has her crush on Judd, she isnt a lesbian just because she also likes girls. All in all jessi gets to be complicated, she gets to be the hero, the villain, the victim and more growing from it.

The other storylines are fine, Jay is a little freak as always, but he gets put through the timer this season. I think he's cute with Matthew, but I'm just neutral to it since I don't think they're going to last, even if the show keeps them together. Lola is similar, her life stuck and im sympathetic to the little monster, but her behavior is unacceptable and im glad she and Jay didnt get back together. I also liked nicks parents dont and diane got character development. They were always pretty good open parents, but they were advisability always to open. It's okay to be sex positive, but also worry about your kids having sex. It's also hard to be in a relationship with some one likr elliot whois so positive and nice, it becomes stressful because it makes it harder to talk about the difficult stuff as a romantic partner because he seems so calm and stress free.

Overall the season was good, I'm glad they toned down some of the gross humor that they seemed to double down on last season. It was pretty repetitive but good.

[nanasparadise]

Can you do (aged up of course), Yandere Narancia x reader. [p.s can it include any of these prompts? “ Stop denying our love! Stop denying our future together!! ”, “ Please don’t cry. Show me the smile I love so much! ”, “ You can’t escape my love.”,” You will grow to love me back, I just know it!“] Thx so much <3

“You can’t escape my love”

“You will grow back to love me, I just know it.”

Hiya anon! I hope you enjoy it! <3 

Summary: Your boyfriend doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries and keeps harassing you, until he stands in front of your apartment’s door...

TW: cyber harassment, implied stalking, gaslighting, mentions of a panic attack, toxic relationship, noncon touching, curse words, MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY/MINORS DNI

I do not condone any yandere behaviour in real life.

Narancia has been aged up, no minor content on my blog!

Word count: 2155

“No escape” Yan! Narancia x gender-neutral reader 

 Bling. Another one of… how many messages again? You have stopped counting a while ago. An exasperated sigh escapes your lips, wondering why you haven’t turned off the volume yet. Why is he so unrelenting? Annoyed, you take your phone in your hand, staring at the twenty-five texts Narancia has left for you. At first, they have started off innocently, asking you about your well-being and your day. But as time has passed, the messages have begun becoming more invasive and have ended up being straight-up creepy. 

“Why aren’t you answering me, did I do something wrong?” 

“Stop being so stubborn, I know you want to be with me, too!” 

“I’m always near you, you’re aware of that, right? You can’t escape my love.”

 An icy shudder travels down your spine while reading the last two sentences. Fear clenches around your heart, making your chest feel heavy, your breaths short and laboured. 

“’’Try out this dating app!’ they said, ‘It will be fun!’ I see where this fun has lead me to”, you think gloomily. Why on earth did you ever sign up to that damned app and had to match with Narancia? You curse yourself, curse your naivety for having expected to encounter there a nice and healthy relationship.

The only thing that has waited for you is an obsessive stalker you can’t get rid of. Of course you didn’t realise Narancia’s disturbing nature at the beginning. No, you thought of him as sweet and energetic, although a bit tiring. Your first dates were pleasant: you went to a fair, sharing candyfloss and laughter between you, to a restaurant, where the Italian nearly choked on his pasta out of excitement, to a spring picnic at the local park, bathing in the gentle sunlight. It all seemed so beautiful to you back then, so innocent. But quickly, things have changed. 

Narancia has become increasingly clingy to you until it started feeling as if he was glued onto your hip. Oh, you want to go grocery shopping? He’ll come with you and help you carry your bags! You’re planning on visiting your family on the weekend? He’ll join you, he has been dying to meet them anyway! 

Setting boundaries with him was extremely challenging. Every time you hinted that you’d rather like to spend some time alone, he nearly threw a fit, taking your words out of context and twisting them around. 

“So you want to toss me away? You don’t think I’m important to you?”, he shouted at you, tears of anger forming in his eyes. Back then, you didn’t notice his gaslighting methods, felt guilty for prioritising yourself. But now, you don’t want to hold yourself back anymore. There isn’t any reason for you to justify yourself, especially not to someone who clearly has no right to intervene in your life like this. Your gaze travels back to your phone. All these messages, these implications, are proof enough of his unhealthy attachment to you. Hell, he even admitted following you! No matter how much you enjoyed your time together, you can’t let Narancia continue with his creepy behaviour.

Quickly, you type a text, telling the Italian that if he goes on invading your privacy, you’ll block him. For a few minutes, sweet silence dominates your living room. 

“Maybe he finally got it”, you muse hopefully. 

Bling. There goes your hope. 

“Are you messing with me? Why would you write that?! Please, stop with these jokes, we can talk about this!” Another sigh comes out of your mouth. 

“No Narancia, we actually can’t. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell the whole time, but it seems you don’t understand. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna block you for now, otherwise I’ll go insane.” 

With these final words, you block his number. Relief washes over you as you realise that the Italian can’t harass you anymore. 

“It‘s kind of sad how things have turned out”, you mumble to yourself. Though you do feel some regret – after all, the two of you had shared many beautiful moments together – you abruptly stop your pondering. “No use to cry over spoiled milk, Y/N. If he keeps treating you like this, it’s best to get away from him.”

Little did you know that Narancia isn’t letting you go that easily. The following days, he kept reaching out to you towards multiple phone numbers. Every time you blocked it, a new one popped up. At this point, you’ve simply stopped using your phone altogether, only relying on the device if it’s inevitable. In those cases, you’re helplessly exposed to the unnerving messages of the young man. The latest one keeps haunting your mind, initiating your anxiety. 

“I’ve been really patient with you, Y/N, but this little game is making me lose my temper. I’ll be seeing you tonight and then we settle things straight. You will grow back to love me, we’ll make up again, I just know it.” 

Nervously, you eye the nearest clock in your flat. 8 p.m. What does Narancia consider ‘tonight’? Will he even come? Are you able to face him right now? 

“Oh god, I need to go”, you whisper desperately, nausea manifesting itself in your stomach. You could crash at your friend’s place, you’re sure they’d understand your situation. Quickly, you gather all your important belongings, ready to flee, as a loud knocking on your front door followed by an all too familiar voice interrupts your escape. 

“Hey Y/N, could you open the door for me, please?”

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. You mutter an incoherent string of curses. Petrified, you just keep staring at the door, not daring move a single muscle in your body. 

“If you don’t open the door yourself, I’ll just break it in, you know?”, Narancia shouts on the other side. The casualness of his tone scares you even more. 

“How can he just be so blasé by his behaviour? Doesn’t he notice how wrong his actions are?” Actually fearing the Italian might damage your property, you accept your defeat and slowly walk up to the front door. Hesitantly, with shaking hands, you unlock it and pull the handle down. Nervousness creeps up on you, making your palms grow sweaty and your heart palpitating erratically. Soon – too soon for your liking – you meet a pair of familiar purple eyes. To your surprise, Narancia smiles upon seeing your face. 

“Hi babe,” he greets you, carefree, “I’m so glad you opened the door for me! You have no clue how much I’ve missed you!” Without even waiting for you to invite him in – which you definitely wouldn’t have done – the young man marches into your flat, invading your privacy even further. Suddenly, two arms wrap around your middle and pull you close to the young man’s chest. Your breathing falters at the abrupt touch. “It’s alright, it’s only me, Y/N”, Narancia tries to comfort you. If only he knew that his presence currently gives you anything but comfort…

A few moments later, you find yourself sitting on your couch next to him. Narancia flashes you a seemingly reassuring grin all while you keep fiddling with the sleeves your shirt. You blankly stare at the floor in front of you. Even though Narancia’s behaviour is conveying sympathy, you couldn’t get rid of the intuitive feeling that this is all but a façade to lull you into a false sense of security. Who knows what he could do to you? Despite his overall sweet and fun nature, the young man doesn’t shy away from using violence if you test his – admittedly little – patience. His numerous messages flash up in your mind again. You’re painfully aware now how he made it clear that you’ve clearly missed your opportunities of being in his good graces. This realisation pushes you nearly over the edge, being on the brink of a panic attack. Would Narancia really hurt you? 

“Look Y/N,” the sound of his voice interrupts your train of thought. A little startled, you immediately straighten your back and glance at his form next to you. The young man’s hand finds its way to yours, stopping your fumbling by securely grasping it. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, but what’s wrong? Why did you just ignore me like that?”, Narancia asks you. You don’t miss the hint of annoyance in his voice, indicating his true feelings. Though anxiety still has a hold on you, you try your best to fight against it and tell him the truth. After all, it’s not like you could escape this situation anyway. So you take a deep breath in and out again, before you spill your following words. 

“Well, I know you’re more of a clingy person Narancia, but what you’re doing is unhealthy. You can’t expect me to give you my full attention all the time. And you definitely can’t follow me around! It’s just creepy and wrong. You know that’s considered stalking, right?”

The Italian stares back at you incredulously. You wonder what’s going on in his head right now. 

“You gave me no other choice, Y/N! How am I supposed to see if you’re doing alright if you deny me like this? You really think me worrying about you makes me some deranged criminal?”, Narancia barks angrily back at you. The grip on your hand tightens. Listening to your previous gut feeling, you immediately retrieve your hand from his all while scooting away from him to gain more space between you. The dark-haired man’s jaw visibly clenches at your action, disapproval glistening in his eyes. Of course he would use his gaslighting tactics on you, he always does when things don’t go his way. Cautiously, you think for a while of what to say, not wanting to trigger Narancia’s wrath any further. 

“It’s not the fact you worry about me, it’s the way you choose to show your concern. Narancia, it’s not okay what you’re doing, you’re actually making me feel very uncomfortable, even right now. Plus, you’re blaming me for your behaviour, which is, again, not acceptable”, You carefully reply, hoping to talk some sense into him.

He makes you uncomfortable? Narancia can’t comprehend your words at all. He’d been worrying himself sick the last few days, trying to reach out to you as best as possible while you cruelly kept on ignoring his countless messages. But he is supposed to be the bad guy now? The Italian scoffs intensely at that thought. He can feel the anger gnawing at his guts, ready to be released. 

“You’re being ridiculous, Y/N,” Narancia reprimands you, “can’t I show you anymore that I care? That I love you? Even after you’ve blocked and ignored me? What do you expect me to do now, to just let you go?” 

“Actually, I do,” you peep quietly, “I can’t continue with this madness. If you don’t want to understand and listen to me, then it’s best for you to go. Now.” Your voice grows stronger with every word you utter, finally regaining your confidence. Meanwhile, Narancia’s heart sinks to his stomach at your statement. Do you really want to leave him? 

“No, no no no Y/N, you don’t mean this, right? You wanna stay with me, don’t you?” 

“No, I really don’t think I do, not after you’ve shown me your true colours.” 

With a force you don’t expect, Narancia pulls you suddenly against his chest again. His arms cage you in, leaving no room for you to move at all. 

“This is just a misunderstanding,” the young man keeps repeating like a mantra while tightening his grasp as if you could dissipate into thin air if he didn’t cling onto you, “It’s normal for couples to fight from time to time, it’s fine. We’re fine, right? You wouldn’t abandon me for real, would you?” 

“Narancia, I –“ you try to intervene, but your attempts remain futile as he cuts you off quickly. 

“No, you’re not going to leave me! I’m not letting you. Look, this is but a silly fight, you’re not going to toss away our relationship for that, are you? Just remember all the beautiful moments we shared together, how happy I can make you, if you just let me!” Narancia nuzzles his head into the crook of your neck. “I love you, Y/N.” He eagerly plants kisses onto your skin, making you shudder and whimper helplessly. Your eyes grow bigger, your breath quickens as you desperately look for a way to escape this situation, to escape him. 

“I love you more than anything in this world. I’d gladly give up everything if it meant to spend every second with you by my side. No one can love you like this but me. Remember that next time you’re thinking I’m going to let you off the hook”, Narancia whispers in your ear, the underlying threat being crystal clear to you. No, you aren’t going to escape from him any time soon…

[youwontlikethisblog]

Adriana Arboleda

I find this episode so interesting and since I like to avoid many things, I've put off writing this post because I just don't know where to start.

Previously:

Armando was visibly upset when they mentioned the wedding in front of Betty, it was purely because he didn't want her to once again feel guilty and break things off. While at the same time he overheard a conversation with Nicolas and Betty that sounded like she was jealous and mad at him for "cheating" on her and that he was a bad boyfriend.

This feeds the distrust that Armando has towards Betty's fidelity and his insecurity regarding their relationship(and his role in Betty's life) as well as his rivalry that he has against Nicolas.

Betty was visibly upset with both Nicolas and Armando. For one because Nicolas really is a huge reason as to why Armando feels a certain distrust. As much as I find Nicolas endearing there's many things that annoy me from him. For example the fact that he continues to find ways to converse with Patty even though he knows that Betty doesn't like it, especially that she doesn't want Patty to know anything regarding where he works at and what he does, but Nicolas; to impress Patty, always brings up the topic of money to make himself more desirable. Yeah he's insecure and he wants to get her attention but that doesn't excuse his crappy behavior as Betty's best friend, someone that he considers as his family. That adds so much pressure, distrust, and resentment towards Betty and Armando's relationship. Yes Nic wasn't aware that they were in a relationship to begin with but Betty often times told him, reminded him, and got upset with him for telling or talking to Patsy Pats about Terra Moda or what he does for a living and the dangers of that information getting out.

Two: that Armando is getting married. For one it makes her feel inferior, that their relationship isn't as strong and that Armando isn't serious about her like she is of him.

Armando had convinced Betty to continue the affair, despite the fact he's getting married. He told her it was only for show, that he'd continue with the preparations of the wedding but call it off last minute. Mario had told him that he needed to get Betty on their side because she was the only one that could embellish the balance for the board meeting this is when we start getting the trails to the letter and why Betty rationalized Armando's behavior after reading the letter.

However that isn't the real reason as to why he goes to fix things. It's what he uses as an excuse to justify why he goes to fix things with Betty. Mario, to get him to do this, weaponized what Armando had told him earlier that day about what kind of relationship Betty and Armando have. Had Armando not shared any of what he did he wouldn't have had any ground to continue to manipulate him.

Currently:

It's the morning of the day AA arrives to Eco Moda. When Betty exist her office she sports a huge smile and greets Armando, who is absorbed by her presences and very content. His eyes follow her through his office as she moves around it and just the same, Betty's eyes are on him, barely noticing Mario. When she does, as she's about to exit the office she greets him, we see Armando with a smile just absorbed by her until Mario speaks and he composes himself to act like that didn't make him happy, joyful, at peace, etc...

Why does AA hold such a significance here?

Armando is now slowly accepting and willingly understanding his feelings(he does try to justify them as something else at times). Betty says she has felt this through his kisses and his affection towards her, that she knows that he loves her now and that he is faithful to her-when it comes to Marcela.

However as she said the previous night as she wrote in her diary that she isn't so sure about his love or fidelity when it comes to his true vice; the models. Models like AA.

Jealousy isn't something healthy in any relationship, even when media tries to paint jealousy as this normal and healthy thing that every person experiences, it's not.

In the previous post I mentioned what the definition of Jealous/y is. It's a combination of feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, or resentment but if you look up the definition of it it says "concern over the relative lack of possessions-"

Sometimes it isn't an object, rather a person, however the issue lays within the fact that person who feels the jealousy views said person as an object rather than a human. Armando's jealousy is possessive, insecure and resentful however Betty's jealousy is of inadequacy and insecurity. She doesn't feel resentful towards Armando for being attracted to "beautiful" women. She expects that from him.

AA represents Betty's insecurity as a woman in a physical form. When Betty finds out AA wants to see and speak with Armando privately she tries to stop that from happening, contrary to the past when she'd help the man out, this time she tries to stick to "he said he doesn't want to be bothered" but when Armando realizes who wants to speak to him he ignores his duties as the president of the company and the importance of him being in said meeting for the future collection, which will help Eco Moda be able to pay off its debt. Betty knows this so when she sees that Armando doesn't stop to think, at least of the company, much less consider her(the true nature of her anger), and that he is an easy prey or weak idiot to women like AA she gets angry at him but her jealousy lays where she feels the most insecure.

Armando forgets of Betty and how happy he was when he saw her that morning. Now all he can think about is AA.

AA is the symbol and the token object of Armando's weakness: seggs with society's "perfect" women. He places this "need" of his above anything, his responsibilities as president, as an engaged man, and as someone in an committed and mature relationship.

I find Mario's behavior interesting in this scene however. He stares at Armando with raised eyebrows and a frown on his face, contrary to before where he was trying to keep himself from laughing, however freaked out over Armando's feelings, this time he's annoyed at him.

I keep trying to figure out why he'd get annoyed at him for this. In this scene Betty is behind Mario, where Inesita and Armando have a clear view of her. Betty is trying to stay composed and not let the personal seep into the impersonal so Mario hasn't seen her. Yes we're fully aware that Mario is a man that is extremely detail oriented when it comes to human behavior which gives him an advantage to manipulate people and get whatever he wants out of them so he can simply assume, by Betty's tone, that she isn't pleased by this. However this scene and Mario's behavior is very much unlike him.

This is my speculation, not what we are being told.

Maybe based on how Armando had spoken about his relationship with Betty and his feelings for her, Mario was annoyed at Armando for his behavior like saying "How can you say you cherish her and that you love her as a friend and then do this to her? And yet I'm the terrible one? The one that doesn't understand why the plan is wrong? The one with iron skin?" or one could simply point out that Mario didn't want to get stuck doing most of the work in the meeting while Armando went off to spend time with a hot woman.

Later when Betty agrees that they should take a break, when Betty exits the office(I'm skipping that scene for now) and Mario is walking up to it he asks her if Armando is still in there, she tells him that he is and with AA. Mario then says he shouldn't go in there and interrupt them then but he notices Betty's demeanor and asks her if she's alright.

Betty doesn't look at him, she doesn't pay him attention. She doesn't even make eye contact with him so again Mario behaves naturally.

Of course he pretends to be unaware of the relationship Armando has with Betty. He says he won't go in there and interrupt them, but he pays close attention to Betty.

We're all fully aware that Mario would be capable of seducing Betty. He lacks all the moral and ethic rules to not do that. Mario is a villain, a well written one. So his behavior here is just odd imo.

I do believe and know based on his character, that Mario is also annoyed at Armando for screwing up once more, therefore jeopardizing the company and all that it implies. However, take into consideration what happened the previous day. Mario isn't stupid, he is way too smart. He knows that Armando deeply cares for Betty, he's known this all along though he has also tried to deny any true motive of Armando caring for Betty because she's ugly and he knows his best friend and only uses Armando's feelings towards Betty when it benefits him. He knows that Betty is important and special to Armando. Unlike Marcela.

Mario pointed this out the previous day when he told him that he[A] had made love with Marcela in the past but that from what Armando had shared it had never been sweet. He is fully aware that Betty is vastly different to all the other women Armando has been with and it's not only because she's "ugly" but because Betty is of extreme importance and significance to Armando.

Does Mario disprove of Armando's behavior towards AA being in Eco Moda? Yes.

For two reasons: One that Armando is screwing up the plan again. Two that Armando is a hypocrite who gets mad at him for making jokes about their relationship but then he goes and does that, (which is an even bigger disrespect to Betty, Armando's Betty.) all while constantly telling Mario that he is scum because he feels no guilt while he does.

Does Mario care about Betty's feelings? No and if he does it's not enough to make him have a change of heart because what he truly cares about is remaining in the social statues he's on with being the wingman of Armando.

Again even if he did care a little about how Betty feels it's not enough for him to re-evaluate his role in the plan and what comes above that is Eco Moda's ownership but it gives him more intel on how to manipulate Armando. In the meeting board, when he finally got a view of Betty when she went to sit back down at the table, Mario examined her quickly, did so as the meeting continued, glancing at her, studying her.

Resuming to a chronological order.

As Armando leaves to his office to speak privately to AA, Betty stays behind in the conference room with Inesita and Mario where as Mario said, she looked broken and not her computer like self.

Once Inesita suggest they take a break Betty says she'll go to her office, to which we see Mario with his worried expression, look at her and then turn to look towards Armando's office doors in a silent plea that Betty doesn't catch him indecent.

In their office, Armando is busy talking with AA so Betty doesn't catch some indecent Armando, but because she knows him, she knows that he's capable of acting like everything is normal. When she looks at AA she looks her up and down, insecure in herself as a woman with such a woman in the same room. Armando in this scene is absorbed by AA's body, a contrast to when he was absorbed by Betty's presence(that includes body). Barely paying attention to Betty and speaking to AA in an informal and casual way, something he doesn't even do with her. In some places in Latin America speaking formally is a sign of respect and impersonalism. When you speak more casually it implies a personalized relationship with someone: meaning that they have a more deeper connection than someone you work with, a friend, a family member, a lover, etc. Betty and Armando aren't even on that and they've had seggs.

Betty takes note of this, again, this now moves on from her simply being insecure as a woman to now being mad at Armando for behaving this way.

Once Betty exits the office to go grab their refreshments she overhears Armando call AA espectacular

Whenever Betty is mad she always places her hand to her hip. As she stops to talk to Marcela she does this, again implying her anger towards Armando.

The last thing I'll note about this whole AA thing at this time is how both Betty and Marcela react. Marcela goes into the office fuming, throwing shade and whatnot to display her jealousy towards AA and her possessiveness towards Armando, however Betty only displays her anger towards Armando while very minimalistically showing her jealousy because of AA.

Marcela's anger was targeted towards both of them while Betty's was towards Armando.

Later that day after AA leaves, Betty remains angry. When Armando tries to apologize for yelling at her, Betty ignores him and tells him they need to get back to work.

Armando not only made her feel insignificant as a woman but he also said she got on his last nerve, tell me you wouldn't feel bad about yourself and be mad at the person who did that.

Obviously Betty feels inferior to AA. Who wouldn't if we're being honest? She's hot. Again when it comes to Betty it isn't hard to understand or sympathies with her over this.

However lets just remember that Betty has always felt insecure and inferior as a human being and a woman.

Insecurity presents itself in many ways. For some it could be them acting loud and obnoxious, like Armando. For others it could be them never asking for anything or expecting anything because they believe they don't deserve anything, like Betty.

Slowly however, her relationship with Armando has built her self-esteem. She walks a bit taller, she doesn't have such a tremble in her voice anymore unless she's speaking to Marcela or Daniel. Even on this day she dresses differently. She sports a more juvenile outfit, there's a glow to her. Though her clothing isn't form fitting or revealing, she has changed her clothing. Even now since they started to date she doesn't wear the super long skirts with the very boxy blazers from the shoulders or the clothes she wore at the start of the show. She wears the green dress, the yellow, red, and black dress often and the green skirt suit(the olive green one with the skirt that's shorter than all the other ones she wears).

In the past, on one of their first dates, Betty joked that she was ugly and Armando got upset with her, told her that he didn't like that and that she needed to respect herself. Ironic ain't it?

Armando's sole attention has given her a boost of ego, but his confirmation the night they sinned(lol) that he too felt what she felt for him, which was desire, has helped her a lot. Again to recall what her first time was like, this second time around it built her self-esteem. Especially because since then Armando hasn't been able to keep his hands to himself whenever Betty and him have been alone together, out of office hours.

(Currently listening to the YSBLF playlist on Spotify and honestly I just wanna dance)

The previous night though aware of Armando's fidelity to her when it came to Marcela, which was why she said she felt no jealousy or the likes in regards to that relationship(outside of guilt) she still is very aware of Armando's s. addiction tendencies. It isn't only a matter in which Armando is weak to women like that that even when he doesn't want to cheat on Marcela or whomever, he still falls for their manipulative or even pushy tactics to get him to sleep with them.

Let's not forget that Betty knows Armando and his behavior when it comes to the Models because unlike Marcela who has only seen snip bits when she stands behind him when he's flirting, Betty has seen it and heard it all from Armando. She has been in the room when Armando and Mario discuss how to get away with his affairs, she has seen him in action, she has even heard and seen the way he plays women. However Betty lacks the knowledge we have of Armando's seggsual affairs.

What does this mean?

To Betty, this weakness of Armando is solely based on the body of the women he is sleeping with(which are all A Grade) and though to some degree this is true(his obsession with perfection etc.) there's more to it. Armando, aside from having slept with her and saying he desired her, has never acted eager to jump her bones or expressed it like he has about all the other women he has been with. He has never made her feel validated as women for her body, though she knows he has an emotional attraction to her, she doesn't believe he has a physical one(I'll get to that scene in time ok! for now I'm talking about it like they haven't screwed again) for her, or at least one that matters. So when she sees AA in the office and she looks her up and down Betty compares herself, not as Armando's girlfriend, but as a woman in general.

For us women looks are the most important and most valuable thing we're told we have. Without them, what are we?

When you grow up being the "other" of society standards for women you grow up with no self-worth. Comparing yourself to others becomes second nature. We know Betty has said she grew up lonely, only Nicolas was her friend, kids in school made fun of her. She never had this moment when she looked at herself and was at least okay with what she was staring at. The contrary, she hated it but learned to tolerate it. Her self deprecating jokes were her acceptance of it, her way to cope with the way the world treated her. It was for her to be able to not care as much about it. However the way people treat her based on her looks still stings and this time it's a lot more.

Could you put yourself in her shoes? All your life you go about it feeling lonely, ugly, unwanted, inadequate, etc. and one day after so much heart ache, a terrible relationship that left you emotionally disfigured and scarred, a man that is desired by so many women AND men, who is "educated", "smart", handsome and has a good sense of humor pays attention to you, how would you feel?

Realistically speaking; a lot more insecure.

Some people hate themselves so much that they hate when people take notice of them because it's like saying "you have terrible taste if you like me, therefore you are not as great." Burdening someone with your own self-hatred. Betty has shown this in the past, when Armando first started to pursue her. She asked him time and time again why he'd be interested in her or notice her because a man like him could never notice her as more than just his employee.

AA is the incarnation of Betty's own dilema. Her self-hatred and insecurity as a woman because in her eyes she lacks beauty. Body wise she doesn't have Meat on her bones, she has frizzy wavy hair, doesn't wear makeup and has one eyebrow plus a mustache. However, despite this, Armando has fallen in love with her and in a matter of seconds this is shattered.

Armando forgets who Betty is for him. He forgets what he feels for her, the importance and significance of her to him and his life and is enveloped with the idea of AA wanting to speak to him and not in this "fanatic" manor but as a man wanting to conquer. Betty's ego isn't only hurting but she(in complete) is hurting by this. Next to Marcela she knows she is the one to hold Armando's heart and now his desires, but next to women like AA, she is insignificant not just as a woman, but as a person in general.

Especially after Armando yells at her, after a long time of not doing so, he yells at her in front of AA, he forgets Betty is even in the room or in the world. While with Marcela he tries not to bring her up or the subject of the wedding because he knows it hurts her(visibly kept glancing towards her office when AA was asking about it, confirming that whenever he seeks her comfort when she isn't with him in the room he'll be facing or standing by her office), he doesn't even consider her when AA is the room. She's heard him say he'd forget all of his commitments and relationships and run away with AA and marry her, just that day she saw him kiss a picture of her and basically make out with it.

She believes that unlike Marcela, AA is real competition because she's hawt(even though Marcela is hawt too) however she knows that Armando isn't in love with Marcela or even interested in her for that fact but she knows that Armando is of AA. However again because Betty is so insecure as a woman she believes that she isn't even in a competition with AA, because if AA wanted to, she'd take Armando and he wouldn't even put up a fight, he'd go willingly on the first attempt. Add that to Armando saying that Betty gets on his last nerve?

He dug his own grave.

One could ask how is it possible that Armando didn't pick up on Betty being jealous?

For one because Armando has only experienced Marcela's jealousy which is loud and arrogant. She throws shade, she yells at him, she demands from him. Betty doesn't do that. She interrupts his one on one time with AA by entering his office and looking for some paper work. She drops a box full of things to ruin any momentum he could be building with AA. Her jealousy is displayed in quiet and timid ways. The one time it she makes it "loud" enough is when she hears Armando flirting with AA and steps out of her office and stands in the middle of them, until he notices her, but then, after she bumps into him, he yells at her. You can tell right away this isn't just like when he yelled at her in the past that it made her want to cry(I mean who doesn't want to cry when they're being yelled at) but this time it was something that hurt her deeply. For the reasons mentioned above.

And two because he's clueless. Though in the past episodes we have seen Armando learn to be in sync with Betty's feelings and make an effort to be attentive and understanding, all of that work of his is thrown out the window when AA appears, making Betty not only feel inferior and insecure as a woman in general but making her feel like she's nothing, not even in a "my fav. employee" type of way. He makes her feel worthless as his girlfriend.

This is when the hurt moves on to anger.

Anger at herself and anger at him for making her feel this way.

When the Love Guru brings all of this to his attention, Armando has a face of realization.

He truthfully thought Betty was just being her unaware and naïve employee self. The one who trips, who doesn't back up her files on disks, y'know, the one she was at the start of the novel. He doesn't think that Betty is acting out in jealousy because again she doesn't act like Marcela does.

When he finally realizes this thanks to Mr. Dimples, we see the sudden "oh crap" face. Like it all made sense and he knew he messed up.

It's interesting to see how these scenes play such a huge roll to Betty finally speaking up in the relationship later that night.

Sorry this post took so long for me to write. I wanted to fully understand the huge significance of Adriana Arboleda as she has been one since the start of their affair, unbeknownst of Betty.

[impala666]

The One With Mrs. Bing Part Three: The Truth Always Comes Out

Last Part (Part Two) Friends Rewrite Masterlist

It was the next morning and Joey and you were sitting at the table having breakfast and coffee while Chandler was still sleeping. He had gotten back later last night and wanted to get some sleep before your mom came over before she left again to continue her book tour. “Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” You asked Joey as you took a sip of your coffee. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?” Joey asked you.

“I don’t know, just last night before we fell asleep you were acting kind of weird and when you woke up you were being weird. I just want to make sure everything’s okay.” You shrugged, looking at him sweetly. It was killing Joey that he didn’t tell you what he witnessed last night. You already had such a tense relationship with your mom, he just didn’t want to make it worse after the both of you seemed to get along last night. He just didn’t want you to hear that Ross had kissed your mom. 

“Yep, everything’s fine.” Joey smiled as he got up and walked over to place a kiss on your forehead before he walked over to fill his coffee mug and you got up and made your way to the bathroom. 

Joey watched as you walked to the bathroom and closed the door when he heard a knock at the front door. “Hey, is Chandler and Y/N here?” Ross asked Joey as soon as he opened the door. Joey nodded and gave his answer, when he looked over his shoulder to make sure that you were still in the bathroom he felt Ross tug him on the front of his robe. 

“Come here,” Ross commanded as he tried to drag his friend into the hall so the other two people that would be very upset at him didn’t hear anything. “Okay, about last night, you know? You didn’t tell Chandler or…” but Joey shook his head before Ross could finish. “Okay! Because I’m thinking we don’t need to tell them. It was just a kiss, one kiss.” Ross rambled, begging Joey not to tell his best friend or his girlfriend. “Right, no big deal?” 

“Right, no big deal,” Joey played along until he just couldn’t hold it in any longer. “In bizarro world!” Joey just stood there shaking his head at the man. “You broke the code!”

“What code?” Ross asked him, honestly having no idea what Joey was talking about. 

“You don’t kiss your friend’s mom!” Joey explained loudly for him. “Sisters are okay, maybe a hot looking aunt, but not a mom. Never a mom! And don’t you even be thinking about it with Y/N,” Joey threatened after he mentioned the thing about sisters. That situation was different. Ross just shook his head and held up his hands in defense signalling that he would never do that. “But not a mom! Never a mom!” The both of them were so caught up in their conversation they didn’t see the door to the apartment open and see Chandler stepping into the hallway to grab the newspaper. Causing both men to jump an inch into the air a scream of fright. 

“What’re you guys doing out here?” You heard Chandler yell so you couldn’t help but look to see who it was, and it was Joey talking to Ross who must have knocked at the door just a little bit ago. 

“Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning Raquetball game, but apparently someone overslept.” Ross explained looking between the three of you and smiling weirdly with his eyes darting from Chandler to Joey and then to you. And Joey just smiled sweetly, a little too sweet in your opinion. 

“Well, you don’t have your racquet.” Joey pointed out to him, trying to get him to admit what Ross did to the both of you, not that he was helping the situation at all. 

“No. No, I don’t because it’s being restrung.” Ross overly explained to the both of you. However, when Ross looked at you you were just staring with narrowed and suspicious eyes, which was causing Ross to sweat a little bit more. “Somebody was supposed to bring me one.” He quickly joked as he pointed over at Joey, his supposed Racquetball playmate that you knew nothing about. 

“Yeah, well, you didn’t call leave your grip size.” Joey knew that he could go all day, unless you were looking at him and Ross that way you were now. He could crack at any moment. But what left his mouth made your face drop in confusion and slight disgust. 

“You guys spend way too much time together.” You just shook your head at them as you made your way back into the apartment. Chandler nodded his head in agreement and followed you back inside as he closed the door behind him. 

“Okay, I’m scum.” Ross told Joey as the door closed. 

“Ross, how could you let this happen?” Joey asked him in anger. “Now you have me lying to my girlfriend who already has problems with her mom. This just going make everything worse for them.”

“I don’t know. It’s not like she’s a regular mom, you know?” Ross justified his reasoning. “You know, she’s sexy.”

“You don’t think my mom’s sexy?” Joey couldn’t help but ask. 

“Well, not in the same way.” Ross turned to him. 

“Hey! I’ll have you know Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright. You think it’s easy giving birth to seven children?” Joey felt the need to defend his mother, not realizing the kind of conversation he was having.

“Okay. I think we’re getting into a weird area here.” Ross needed to point out. “And no I don’t like the idea of you lying to Y/N and I don’t like to either. But Y/N is an adult and can figure this out herself.” But he quickly stopped talking when Monica and Rachel’s door opened with Rachel in nothing but a robe walked out with Paolo causing Joey and Ross to jump out of their skin, while Joey can feel a slight anger come over him for what Ross was saying. “Hey,” Ross greeted them.

“What’re you guys doing out here?” Rachel asked them, wanting to have her moment alone with Paolo. 

“Not playing Racquetball.” Ross explained even though Rachel wasn’t even there for the excuse Ross and Joey gave to you and Chandler. 

“He forgot to leave his grip size.” Joey told her laughing himself. 

“He didn’t get the goggles.” Ross just kept going. Joey patted himself on the head as if he couldn’t believe how stupid he was to forget such an important thing. 

“Well...sounds like you two have issues.” Rachel laughed at how weird their problems seemed to be. As Rachel led Paolo over by the stairs Joey and Ross couldn’t help as they both said their disgustingly sweet goodbyes to each other and kissed right in front of them making Ross die on the inside. 

“Do they wait for me to do this?” Ross asked Joey, to which he just shrugged. 

“Are you going to tell them?” Joey asked as he followed the guilty man into Rachel and Monica’s apartment. 

“I’m not gonna tell them. Why would I?” Ross asked Joey as he got himself a drink from the fridge. 

“How about, because if you don’t their mother might.” Joey pointed out the obvious. Ross ‘ohed’ not even thinking about that possibility. 

“What are you guys doing here?” Monica asked as they made their way to the kitchen and noticed the both of them in her home. 

“He’s not even wearing a jock strap!” Joey defended out of the blue. 

“What did I ask?” Monica asked, not clear on how that sentence had made its way into the conversation.

******

You were leaning against the counter while Joey stood on the other side making himself a sandwich. It was later in the day and Ross said that he had something to tell both you and Chandler. If you were honest you were jealous that Chandler had the chair, you felt like someone had knocked the air out of your lungs. “Oh, my god.” Chandler mumbled. 

“You guys are my friends and I just had to tell you.” Ross sympathized to the both of you. 

“I can’t believe it.” You finally managed to say a few words of your own. “Paolo kissed our mom?” You looked up from the ground and finally looked to Ross for some answers. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink.” Ross chuckled to you. “You know how he gets when he’s dru…” Ross’s words fell forgotten when he looked over your shoulder when he noticed Joey glaring at him as he made his sandwich which caused Ross’s guilt to take over his conscious. “Alright, I can’t do this. I did it. It was me. I’m sorry. I kissed your mom.” Ross told both you and Chandler finally coming out with the truth. 

“What?” Chandler asked as he got up from his chair. You managed to step away from to counter and step forward and stand next to Chandler which was scaring Ross a little bit. 

“What the hell, Ross!?” You yelled at him, as out of the corner of your eye you saw Chandler’s face growing red. 

“I was upset about Rachel and Paolo, and think I had too much tequila and Nora, um Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was just being nice you. But nothing happened. “ You could hear Ross saying words but none of those words were making this situation any better. “Nothing happened, ask Joey.” Ross said without thinking and the hurt on your face got a little deeper. But Ross could see you turn to face Joey while Joey was trying to get Ross to shut up by shaking his head. 

“You knew?” You asked Joey, and everyone could see the slight fear on his face.

“You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.” Joey stammered, trying to change the subject. But all you could do was scoff and shake your head at how he was trying to avoid the situation. 

“I spent the entire day with you, why didn’t you tell me?” Chandler managed to ask as he made his way over to Joey. It was surprising Chandler got anything based on how much you wanted to yell. 

“Hey, you’re lucky I caught them. Otherwise, who knows what would have happened?” Joey told the both of you to try and look on the bright side. 

“Thanks man, big help.” Ross joked giving Joey a thumbs up, but immediately stopped when you turned to glare at him which was stronger than any words you could have spoken. 

“I can’t believe this! What were you thinking!?” Chandler yelled getting dangerously close to Ross, he almost looked like he was about to punch him. And you have never seen him punch anyone. 

“I wasn’t,” Ross tried. But Chandler wasn’t hearing any of it, he was just seeing red. 

“You know, of all my friends no one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.” Chandler had to point out. 

“I know.” Ross told him. 

“I can’t believe you did this.” Chandler turned his back and made his way to the door. “I’m still mad at you for not telling me.” Chandler made sure to mention to Joey as he tried to make his way into the conversation. But as Chandler made his way to the door he didn’t want to hear anything they had to say. “Let me slam the door!” Chandler yelled to get everyone stop as he closed the door. 

“See what happens when you break the code,” Joey pointed out to Ross with you still in the room.

“I knew you were acting weird and I asked you and kept saying that it was nothing.” You finally said as Joey made his own way to the door. With that said you just looked down at the ground and shook your head as you made your way to hide in Joey’s room. You even ignored the both of them when Ross and Joey called out for you. But once you slammed the bedroom door, Ross called after Joey when he got to the door. Joey held up a hand for Ross to shut up before he slammed the door himself. Leaving Ross to stand in the living room trying to think of where he had to go from there to make all of this better.

[yellowbluemoonshine]

There is always the idea that villains need to be punished for what they did but... when you see someone like Shigaraki, what could be more of a punishment than what he suffered? And more than that, how could the society jugde him when they are for a big part responsable of what he has become? When Shigaraki says that he can't forgive anyone, I can't help but agree: how could he forgive when nobody recognise they have wronged him, when they don't admit he is THEIR victim?

Definitely agreed, anon.

First, this role is literally forced on him by people around him.

Even when he was 5 years old, he wasnt allowed to be the person he wants to be. He wanted to be a hero but his father punished him for it.

After his family’s tragic death, he became a tool of manipulative, selfish man. AFO literally groomed him to be force of destruction, he made him believe that this is the only way for him.

AFO literally punished Shigaraki when he cried and hold his feelings (calling him pathetic to make him feel guilty for being a disappointing is also punihsment too) and praised him when he killed people.

Then, every hero and villain he met dehumanized him again and again. For everyone, Shigaraki is someone who enjoys from destruction, empty, cruel guy, he is not even a person. Again and again, Shigaraki is not allowed to be his own person.

Heroes dont listen to him cause Shigaraki has to be bad guy so that heroes can be good guys. If Shigaraki is monster, they can justify their violence. This is how villains are treated in society. And Shigaraki is one of the biggest examples of it. Even though, heroes have many proofs to believe that Shigaraki is victim.

Everyone around Shigaraki already decided the role Shigaraki play for him, his life, his narrative is always controlled by others. He himself even believes that he is monster cause everyone around him says so.

Not only this role forced on him but also his biggest motivation and desire literally relate to what happened to him.

Shigaraki’s biggest motivation is comes from his pain, death of his family, like how he will never feel okay. This is why he is doing what he is doing cause he literally have no idea how to handle his pain.

Shigaraki’s life is full of pain. He was traumatized againd and again. He was groomed in very unstable and dangerous environment. Treated as monster that needs to be destroyed. When he finally a little far away from his abuser AFO, he still did what he wants him to do and eventually came back to him to surgery, he almost loose his humanity and his will.

And Shigaraki’s biggest desire is freedom cause his life and his choices taken away from him. Shigaraki again and again chose freedom cause he doesnt want the role everyone forced on him. He feels trapped and full of anger cause he is completely not okay with his current life.

Shigaraki is trapped in cycle of abuse.

Step 1;

He holds his negative feelings inside of him, until he reaches his breaking point. He hold himself cause he hasnt taught how to handle those emotions healthy way.

Step 2;

He reaches his breaking point and lashing his feeling out to other people. Killing them, harming them, destroy things etc. He is lashing out cause thats how he has been taught. After lashing out, he somehow reliefs a little and feel empty.

Step 3;

After remember what he did to others, he feels exteremely guilty and starts punishing himself. He is harming himself, thats the way of Shigaraki punishing himself. Punishment is always part of Shigaraki’s character.

Step 4;

Harming himself eventually led him to feel unfair and he starts to feel angry again, he hold those feelings so basically we returned back to step 1, again.

Shigaraki is literally trapped with this cycle and cant get rid of it. This is why he almost always contracting with himself.

First, someone/something hurts him and Shigaraki fights back,

he fights back to get rid of this cycle cause he wants this pain to be over. He wants freedom thats why he rejects giving his will to AFO, this is why he get rid of hands.

But eventually, he still thanking AFO, doing what he wants

and taking hands with him again cause he doesnt believe he deserves freedom.

Basically, Shigaraki wants freedom, he wants to be saved but he cant fight for his freedom cause he himself believes he doesnt deserves to be saved, to feel okay. This is the biggest proof of that he feels exteremly guilty from what he did/does.

He literally escapes from cage to another cage, in this picture.

Shigaraki is trying to escape from his cage but he doesnt believe he deserves to feel good, this is why he turns back to the cage. Thats the reason he accept the surgery of Ujiko. So basically, his mindset is already like a prison and it harms him a lot. And as long as he believes he doesnt deserve anytihng good, he cant get out that prison. But Shigaraki feels guilty, this is why he believes that. Shigaraki doesnt even see himself as victim cause noone else does.

This is why Shigaraki cant get out of this cycle, this prison and this is why it so important that someone reaching out to him. He is a victim, a person and he needs to be seen as like that by someone.

And Shigaraki’s story is all about how different his life would be, if only someone reach out to him. Again and again, theme of his story is there were people who could’ve helped him but they still didnt do anything for him. Shigaraki can be saved but everyone already believes that he is irredemable, they wont even try to reach out to him.

How can Shigaraki forgive those people when they constantly turned a blind eye to him?

Even when Shigaraki show his true face to them, trying to talk and reach out to them, they still ignored him. Shigaraki is trying to explain himself to heroes cause he still waits for heroes to save him in his deep.

The biggest proof of that there is a hope for Shigaraki is that despite his background, the way he treats league and he tries to break this cycle. The way Shigaraki treats his comprades literally turned league to found family for people like them. Shigaraki was raised to destroy but he is the reason that people in league are slowly healing from their trauma. He also fight against the unfair society that let them fall at first place.

Shigaraki is blowback of society. Though, AFO would kidnap Shigaraki anyway but he is still failure of heroes. If Allmight didnt make society ignorance, people wouldnt ignore Shigaraki. If society was designed to rehabilite villains, then they would understand his victim and try to reach out to him. They could’ve do that easily in USJ arc. If Nana never abandoned his son or Gran Torino and Allmight tried to check him out, AFO wouldnt capture Tenko. etc etc etc. Society and heroes failed Shigaraki and let him fall from the cracks of society

 If Shigaraki is victim of society, heroes, then, society,heroes should take responsibilty for the victims, not just destroying them.

And Shigaraki isnt just blowback of society, his actions also waking people up. Story made it clear, society is not good the way it is and heroes dont even try to change it. Yeah, destruction isnt really solution and murder is bad but at least, Shigaraki’s actions will change things. Society wil start to change for better cause Shigaraki, the shadow of society is calling them out.

And again;

if society is the one who is responsible for Shigaraki became who he is, then how they can have a right to not forgive him?

(Though, Deku doesnt really know things here but hope, he will eventually understand.)

The one who made a choice wasnt really Shigaraki, it was people around him. First, he was outcasted and became their victim. Then, they forced a role for him. When he played his role, they punished him for it. Shigaraki was put in an impossible sitution and he was expected to handle that sitution. Who is the one really at fault here?

Everyone blames Shigaraki cause thats easiest way. Even though, Shigaraki didnt have much choices in his life but somehow its still his fault and the ones who could’ve helped him, the one who can help him chose to not help have a right to not forgive him.

So basically;

1-

Society and heroes already failed Shigaraki and directly responsible from his fall. There is something they could do, there is something they still can do about Shigaraki but they constantly choosing to dehumanize him.

2-

Shigaraki constantly fights against the people who dehumanize him for his humanity. At least, he is doing his best cause he doesnt want to stay like this.

3-

He is trying to change things to break this broken cycle, both for himself and in his deep, society can be better place for people like him, victims, outcasts.

3-

There is no point of killing Shigaraki since society creates its own villains, then they would create another Shigaraki anyway.

4-

Shigaraki already feels exteremely guilty from what he does. (This is the reason he is so suicidal cause he sees no worth about his life.)

5-

Shigaraki’ s life is full of pain and trauma. He is already treated as monster in his current sitution.

So whats the point of killing him or sending him the place like Tartarus? When society is the one responsible for him the way he is? When he already feels guilty? When he already live his life like a prisoner? When he already have a life full of pain and treated as thing? There is literally no point here.

So what i am hoping is in the end;

He should live cause he deserves to healing and living his life as an invidual. He should be in a place more like mental hospital cause he has severe mental illness and he definitely needs help. He also needs/deserves to live in healthy environment so he can finally heal. Even in the end, if he stays in prison, prison should be pretty human place. It would be better, if he is with with league cause those people are healing when they are together.

Though, i still hate the idea of him being in prison, even though he killed many people cause his life is already like a prison but i dont know author would do that.

Also, i also believe that more than Shigaraki, society is the one that owes him apology, not really other way around. Since he is their victim. Though he is really kind and forgiving person in deep, he might forgive them but i dont want what happenned to him to be ignored so i truly hope heroes, society, story pays him well cause its just so sad and unfair. He deserves better.

Also, i truly believe Shigaraki can help Deku and heroes a lot about outcasts since he can reach out to people who wasnt saved by heroes. So if they work together, Deku can be a hero who saves everyone and Shigaraki’s dream of becoming hero can happen since he is helping outcasts. Also this can be another a way of paying his crimes too.

Shigaraki would willing to do this cause all he wants is better society, just like Deku, in his deep. And also his biggest desire is to be an invidual. To be the person who he wants to be. He still wants to be a hero cause in his deep, he cares about greater good too.

Shigaraki is always a character who is meant to be saved and there is a reason that he is parallel with Deku. I hope he also gets the happy ending he truly deserves. We will see. It kinda became messy post cause i am kinda tired. Well, just my opinions, :))).

[zetalial]

Damn I apparently need to ramble about Yato and Yukine... So, this will be about the first season of Noragami and the rocky start to their relationship.

So Yukine is our main introduction to a regalia (though Tomone/Mayu first shows a few bits about the mechanics as well) but it’s quite apparent that he and Yato do not sync well at all (at first). Throughout several episodes we’re basically witnessing the deterioration of their bond until it goes as far as the ablution, where they’re both literally killing each other from the toxicity of their bond. 

And that’s great because their relationship had been incredibly flawed from the start and its treated very seriously. Much of the earlier comic relief comes from how Yato is so irresponsible and has no followers but still treats himself like a big deal and even expects as much from Yukine. 

The above image is one of the very first interactions they have together and Yato’s trying to be firm and in charge while Yukine is completely unimpressed. Yato clearly doesn’t really know what he’s doing and that becomes clearer as we see a few more Regalias and their masters. 

Tenjin is probably who Yato’s secretly trying to be like, as all his regalia greatly respect him and he’s quite strict with them, not tolerating any stinging or other bad behaviour but otherwise being generous with them. Unlike Yato though, Tenjin can easily provide for his regalia as he’s so wealthy and is able to treat them well. He doesn’t need to demand respect. Yato meanwhile, has none of this so this approach simply doesn’t work at all. 

Then there’s Kofuku and Daikoku and their relationship seems completely reversed as Daikoku - the regalia - is the one who appears more in charge, who takes care of Kofuku and keeps her out of trouble. He knows what she’s like, prone to spreading her misfortune and causing trouble. He cares for and respects her - and she is more intelligent than she initially appears and they’ve got a very good relationship. Now Yukine is only a young teenager and new to their world so this sort of relationship would be a little strange but if Yato had pleaded more as someone who needs help and values Yukine - ideally as more than a weapon - then things wouldn’t have fractured so far.

And lastly there’s Bishamon - she treats all her regalia like a family. She is extremely protective and motherly towards them - to such an extent that this takes a great toll on her. Her main aim with taking them in is to help them and she doesn’t regard any of them as tools even though she has an arsenal worth of them. She treats them like human beings and they love her in return. Their respect and obedience derives from the fact that she respects and cares for them so she doesn’t need to demand obedience. 

Still, not all is lost for Yato and Yukine - Yato does genuinely like him even if originally he chooses Yukine out of need.

Sadly, Yato isn’t too good at really expressing this for all he talks. He notes that Yukine’s a great regalia - great for fighting, great at drawing borderlines but that’s valuing Yukine just as a tool to be used, plus he doesn’t give Yukine all that much back in return. Yukine always seems really happy with these compliments by the way - he likes being told he’s a good regalia, even if its not enough to save their relationship on their own. 

If anything though, Yukine starts to view him as more of an obstacle. See the scene where Hikori suggests that Yukine come sleep over at her house. Yato objects to this - he cites that staying over at her house is going to lead Yukine to feelings of lust and tempt him. Yato’s not wrong here. But he frames it as him feeling stinging pain everytime Yukine has immoral thoughts so his objections seem very selfish in nature - the reason Yukine should avoid doing wrong is because it hurts Yato, not because of what a dangerous slipperly slope giving in to temptations can become for Yukine and the others he’d end up hurting. Reasoning Yukine might actually respond to. 

The worst part is that Yato does have better reasons relating to Yukine’s wellbeing. He explains afterwards to Hiyori that shrines are protected grounds so its far safer to stay at them. And he notes that Yukine is afraid of the dark - Yato actually does know and pay attention to Yukine’s fears and he is looking out for him. He just doesn’t make this clear to Yukine because he’s so busy trying to demand respect purely because of his position. His constant presence is a pain rather than the protection Yato does intend it as.

And then Nora helps make things worse - she tells Yukine that he’s worthless right at a time that Yukine’s really struggling with his loneliness. Nora would always be a problem for them but some of Yukine’s worries could certainly have been quelled. Yato is very quiet about his past, especially to Yukine but had he shared a bit more, he could have explained how he absolutely doesn’t want to use and rely on Nora again - as she’s far too dangerous and would tempt him towards evil. Yukine would have felt more secure in his role knowing this. Explaining that he was once a god of Calamity might have seriously helped Yukine to understand him a bit better. But Yato is rather reticent about his past.

So their relationship starts massively degrading and it soon becomes serious. Yukine starts acting out more, stealing, lying, destroying as he tries to deal with his growing loneliness. Yato is being too distant, becoming the person who calls him out on his misdeeds while being curiously quiet on the extent of his pain. Yukine doesn’t intend harm on him, not really, it’s his general existence that makes him so bitter.

The issue is that their bond is such an unequal one, when Yukine finally sees the extent of the blight, he is honestly upset and taken aback. It’s not fair that his anger should have such devastating consequences for someone else. He does feel guilty about it, even if he doesn’t want to deal with it. He doesn’t feel like he’s done anything that wasn’t justified by how he felt.

When asked what’s he’s done, his response is basically: nothing all that much.

Oh and a good does of anger for good measure. 

Yato meanwhile is still trying, he has been trying to be patient with him and doesn’t behave so selfishly when he refuses to abandon Yukine, instead willing to risk the ablution for him, even though its dangerous. 

It’s a painful experience for both of them but they come out so much stronger for it afterwards. They talk to each other when things bother them, they tell each other things and their relationship has evolved into a sort of close-friendship that only becomes better as they learn more about each other. Distinct from all the other regalia bonds we’ve seen so far but I think they view each other more like equals now. 

Anyway, this was an angsty little arc but I really enjoyed the evolution of these characters (I just love seeing my favourites put through pain :(. They’re both my absolute favourites. 

[tarotwitherica]

Pick A Card Reading: A Love Reading for December

Hello beautiful people! This is my first time posting a reading here and I’m super excited. I’ve been practicing tarot for almost a year and have fallen in love! I’m always super shocked when readings fall into place and the readings are just effortless. My jaw literally drops, and I hope I can do the same for you lovelies!

This is a reading for all of you that are in a relationship, single, or have their eyes on someone. This reading could also apply to platonic relationships and friendships or family. I hope that this resonates with you! It is my first time posting a reading here, so please leave some feedback or comment on things you liked/didn’t like. So, please pick a card and let’s see what’s in store for you!

Pile 1: 

This was one of those piles that screamed at me! Pile 1, set your priorities straight! Is there someone or something that’s disappointing you? I feel like you are walking through this relationship in some sort of illusion. And you’re not seeing it clearly. With the Three of Pentacles and the Six of Pentacles, there is something big going on in this relationship. What you’re not seeing or not learning or acknowledging is this one-sided charity. A lack of commitment or teamwork. Is someone being selfish to you? I see a lack of harmony or balance in this relationship. You are giving and giving and not receiving anything back. Someone is taking advantage of you, Pile 1. You are innocent to this problem, and a little too naïve maybe. The Fool almost looks like he is walking right into this situation blinded and carefree. There is a possibility that you might not see what is blatantly being presented to you by Spirit.

Spirit asks you to pay attention to your pain and frustration with this person. What’s affecting your life negatively? What’s causing you sadness and pain? Are you being betrayed or taken advantage of? And once you identify and acknowledge its source, that will be your Tower moment. It is when the disillusionment and inner awakening will reveal itself to you. No one will walk all over you again. It might feel like it’s more damaging than healing, but trust the process. This sudden change is happening for you - not to you. You have the willpower and inner strength to push through this discomforting time. 

With your oracle cards, Spirit asks you to let go of things that no longer bring you happiness. To detox your mind, body, and spirit. What inhibits you from being your best self and showing up for yourself? Let go of those things, Pile 1! Let go of your self-limiting beliefs. Let go of what holds you back. Let go of pain and fear. You deserve so much in this world! Spirit also asks you to gain some perspective. You’ve been clouded with your emotions and thoughts about this situation or person. Detach, detach, detach! In order to gain perspective, sit in your seat of Consciousness. Be the observer of those emotions and thoughts. Let them come and go. Become nonreactive. Don’t attach to any outcome that serves your benefit. Just be mindful and aware of what comes to mind. Only then will you gain a clear vision and open mind. Lastly, release and shed yourself of devoid and passionless work or relationships. Notice where you put all your time and energy, and let go and conserve it where it doesn’t belong. Give room for new life. Make way. Because something else will take its place that truly belongs.

Your spirit animals are the Vulture, Lion, and Horse. You need to do some dirty work and clean up some messes or negativity in your life. It needs to be purified or brought back into balance. What you thought was a misfortune or tragedy is actually a blessing. Here you will gain clarity and wisdom. This is a period self-transformation. Be observant, stealth, and precise in your words and actions. Don’t waste your energy or resources on things that don’t deserve them. You are special. So step into your power, pile 1. This is not at time to run away from your problems. Confront them head on. Hone in and collect your energy. Use your physical stamina and mental focus to free yourself from this problem.

The tea leaves above are things that may be coming your way in the month of December! I hope you enjoyed your reading! Remember to take what resonates and let go of what doesn’t.

Pile 2: 

The back of the deck energy for this group was the Nine of Pentacles in reverse. I feel like there is some sort of dependency going on in this relationship. Whatever the case may be, there’s a lot of dissatisfaction with it. You currently feel like your relationship is at a stand still. You might actually be separated from your person. There’s a sense of hopelessness. I pulled some clarification cards and received the Queen of Wands and the Knight of Cups. Perhaps you or your partner has their eyes on someone else? Maybe there was emotional cheating at play? Regardless, Spirit wants to remind you that you are powerful and beautiful/handsome. You are passionate and visionary, and are the master at creation. This situation has made you feel very reliant and dependent on your person because you don’t want them to go anywhere. You’re depressed or stressed. And there’s a lack of communication going on. But whatever it is you feel you need to do, act now. There’s a swift change coming, a change in energy. Maybe even a message from a person. And you need to take that opportunity before you miss it. Before you’re stuck again. Avoid laziness and procrastination at all costs. Create your own goals. Become the independent, badass you are! Seize this opportunity, manifest your dreams. Lay the groundwork, and follow through!

Moving on to your oracle cards, Spirit asks you what you’re suppressing or denying about yourself or a situation. They will surface eventually. And they are your shadow aspects. Parts of your subconscious that are contained by shame or guilt. What are you guilty about? Or not proud of? Or what is a secret dream of yours? Maybe you need to acknowledge and accept those parts of you. Only then will it be easier to accept others. Be innocent and gentle with yourself. That shame and guilt shapes your personality and character. And those layers compound with anger and fear. It blocks your life force, your vitality. Release that shame. Reawaken the truth of who you really are. See every moment with fresh eyes and a clear mind. Get rid of those filters that inhibit light and love from coming through. In December, you also could come into contact with a sudden and quite dramatic change that you have no control over. It will shake up your foundation of security and what comforts you. Its purpose is to reassess your direction in life, or question your relationships with certain people. Make adjustments quickly and don’t cling to what was, but move forward with open arms and what is yet to come. 

Pile 2, your spirit animals are the Butterfly, the Firefly, and the Black Egg. December is a period of great transformation for you, and specifically for your relationships. Be patient and kind to yourself in this period, and use your friends as support. As with that swift change coming in, the Firefly is pure, radiant, and illuminating. You will find a moment of inspiration or awakening that quickly fades if you don’t catch it. Be ready. And speak your truth. Don’t involve yourself with confusion, excuses, or lies. What do you know to be true about yourself? The world? Don’t repeat stories to try to justify your subpar behavior, or convince yourself otherwise. When this cosmic animal shows up, it’s time to speak slowly and clearly. And not from an unsure place.

The tea leaves above are things that may be coming your way in the month of December! I hope you enjoyed your reading! Remember to take what resonates and let go of what doesn’t.

Pile 3:

You either have been struggling with anxiety or you’re currently dealing with it. Something was/is bothering you and causing you a lot of misery. But in the month of December, you’re coming out on top. You’re achieving what you were stressed out over with the help of friends and family, those that love and support you. You are a natural born leader, Pile 3. Growing and prospering is your element. You are a creative visionary. You have recently leveled up or matured in some way with your love life. Looking ahead at the Knight of Cups in reverse, you are probably finally getting over this person this month or by the new year. They were a heartbreaker, a liar, or a cheater, or all of the above! Someone from your past is finally being left there. You’re letting go of this relationship or even friends that don’t serve you anymore. And the wheel is turning! Moving forward! For some of you, you might have even broke a karmic cycle or will be shortly! Success and good fortune are on its way to you.

Spirit is asking you to ask for guidance on this journey. They’re here to support you and cheer you on to the finish line as well. They want you to know that they love you and are always trying to nudge you towards pure bliss and happiness. Release your concerns about what may happen and appreciate everything in the now that is good and right. Don’t let negative thoughts or habits stop you. When you’re in love with life, you naturally radiate and give back that love. And the love will come right back to you. Your love will be amplified during this time! Nurture yourself! Give to yourself and let others give to you. Wounds can be healed. Set aside things that restrict you from letting the love and light in. Consider how easy it is for you to give to others and that you can make it just as easy to receive from them too.

Your spirit animals are the Elephant, Lizard, and Elk. Spirit wants you to know that everything happens for a reason. And that the spirit animal Elephant put certain obstacles in your way for a reason. To change your path. To reassess your direction. You’re sensitive to the subtle, and could be highly in touch with your crown chakra. You hear what is yet to be spoken and see what is yet to manifest. Pull back to your center in order to acknowledge those things. This month will test your resiliency, support, and strength. Know what your values are, your dreams, who you are. Act on them and respect them. Be in alignment with your higher self and you will always be guided to better things. 

The tea leaves above are things that may be coming your way in the month of December! I hope you enjoyed your reading! Remember to take what resonates and let go of what doesn’t.

Pile 4:

Last but not least! Pile 4! Your back of the deck card is the Ten of Wands in reverse. There is an energy of overwhelm and struggle here. You may have a lot of things you’re taking on and you need help. Maybe a passion or job you’re trying to get going, or balancing your partner’s responsibilities with your own. Spirit is saying to gain some distance from this person in your life right now. Or maybe it’s time to travel! But separation from this person is key. You need to get out of the rapids and into the calming waters. You will gain insight and clarity on what is needed for you here. You know your options, Pile 4. But you need to decide. Sit in your seat of Consciousness and observe what comes to mind or to your heart. Listen to your self. Was there an option you never thought of before? I feel like Spirit presented two different characters that you could embrace in this situation. You can either be empathetic to this person or stubborn. Understand that maybe they didn’t know you needed help, or not let them off easy this time. Why not be both? Know your worth, be understanding, lighten the load, and achieve what you want, Pile 4. The Eight of Cups does signify that there will be a letting go of something or someone. 

Spirit wants you to know that you can talk to your ancestors! If you need help, ask them for it. They will help pave the way for you. They will give you the ingredients, but it is your job to cook the meal. When you do get some distance from your person, breathe. Be in this moment. Know that you can always come back to this place. And don’t forget that you are your own main character. This is your reality that you live in currently, so don’t forget this is your life. Don’t live someone else’s for them. Don’t try to be anyone else. Dance and celebrate the unique special person that is YOU.

Your spirit animals are the Fire Ant, Turtle, and Fish. This problem with your person keeps happening over and over again. Or you guys keep circling around the problem but never actually deal with it. It’s causing agitation and it’s getting heated. And the problem is becoming bigger than what it really is. Be grounded with yourself. Know what your values are. Know what you want from this person and from yourself. The Turtle has a strong relationship with the Earth and Water (just like the Knight of Pentacles and the Queen of Cups). Embody and embrace them both. There is a synergy that happens when both are mastered. This situation has caused you to lose yourself in the current. You feel like you have no clear goals or intentions. You might’ve lost yourself in the relationship with your person. And have become so fixated on them. Now is the time to focus on YOU. Spend time with lunar forces; let the peace and calm soothe your soul.

The tea leaves above are things that may be coming your way in the month of December! I hope you enjoyed your reading! Remember to take what resonates and let go of what doesn’t.

[team-free-will-oneshots]

Breaking Point

Title: Breaking Point (part five of the ‘Buried Secrets’ series) Summary: Dean realises exactly how badly he messed up - but you’re not ready to forgive him. When you and Sam get even closer on a hunt, how much of a rift will be driven between you and Dean? Will you ever be able to cross it? Pairing: Sam x Reader, Dean x Reader (fem pronouns) (mostly sam x reader in this part) Warnings: some swearing, Angst™, canon-typical violence, also more angst :(  Word Count: 4,811 (its a long one, sorry...)

note; ok so this part is based around 11x07, ‘Plush’ - I stayed somewhat true to canon but ended up tying up the hunt a lot more quickly and easily than the episode for my own convenience lmao. also sam isn’t having the visions from “God” in this series, at least it’s not gonna be brought up bc that’s all just A Lot for me to try and keep track of and i wanna keep focus on the fic plot not canon lol, sorry! anyways hope u enjoy this part!

Part One | Two | Three | Four

Masterlist

It was too bright, and his head hurt. It was almost enough to make him forget the events that had transpired the night prior - almost.

Dean rubbed his tired eyes as he stumbled to the kitchen, brewing a pot of coffee as he bit back a yawn. He poured a cup and stared at the nearly-full pot for a few moments before realising no one was coming to join him. Right - Sam had taken your side.

The anger raging through his veins had burned out long ago, replaced only with a hollow feeling of guilt that made him feel sick to his stomach as his brutal words bounced around the chambers of his mind. The hurt in your eyes was branded into his brain, and he clenched his jaw as he recalled your timid voice, your shaking hands as you fled from him as though you were scared of him.

Scared.

Of him.

As if he could ever hurt you.

But you did, his brain whispered. Dean slammed his mug down on the table, hot coffee splashing onto his hands, the tiny droplets scalding his skin as he swore and shook them off. He clenched his fist midair, bringing it to crash back against the wood of the table. He felt so guilty - why did he feel so guilty? You lied to him, lied to Sam, to Cas, to everyone - and he was the one feeling bad?

But the spark of anger fizzled before it could grow, and he resolved to set his feelings aside, at least for now. He was good at that - avoiding things. It was practically in his Winchester genes to ignore his emotions until they broke him. And he wasn’t at breaking point - not yet, at least.

Dean’s fingers found his phone, and he toyed with it absentmindedly, thumb hovering over your number, and then Sam’s. After staring at it a little longer than he’d have liked to admit, he slipped it back into his pocket. You weren’t coming back - not yet, at least. But even though you were gone, Amara was still a threat. Weird connection to her or not, he needed to find a way to get rid of her.

Assigning his pain to the backseat, Dean hit the books.

---

“Hello, Dean.”

The eldest Winchester started awake, the shape of the book before him sharply imprinted onto his cheek. He rubbed it, wincing his bleary eyes at the discomfort.

“Cas?” he groaned. “What is it?”

“Have you slept?” The angel’s voice was weighed with concern, and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Obviously,” he muttered, wiping the dried spit crusted at the corner of his mouth as he swallowed back the unpleasant taste an unexpected nap always left. “Found anything?”

“Nothing new,” Cas said, glancing around the empty bunker. “Where are Y/N and Sam? Shouldn’t they be helping you research?” he asked disapprovingly, and Dean chuckled dryly.

“I haven’t heard from them in two days,” he said, plastering on a humourless grin. Castiel’s brow creased.

“Are they on a hunt? They could be hurt, we should-”

“No, they’re not on- Y/N’s a witch,” Dean blurted, and Castiel’s eyebrows flitted skywards in surprise.

“A witch?”

“You heard me,” Dean growled, turning back to the books. “She- she used a hex bag on me, so I kicked her out. Sam went after her - texted me, told me not to follow ‘em.”

“That doesn’t sound like Y/N,” Cas remarked, and Dean scoffed.

“Yeah, tell me about it. She said it was to help me, whatever that’s meant to mean,” he muttered. Cas gave him a knowing look, and Dean’s defences shot up.

“What? I’m fine, I don’t need help!” he said angrily, and Cas made a disbelieving sound.

“Right. Of course not. Have you considered that Y/N might just have been worried about you, and really did want to help?” Cas prompted, and Dean rolled his eyes.

“Of course I have, Cas. But that doesn’t justify her lying about being a monster! We’ve known her years, and she never told us the truth!” he exclaimed. Cas hummed disapprovingly.

“Dean, you know that witches aren’t all bad. You just happen to have a great deal of experience weeding out the… bad apples,” he said slowly. “Can you really blame her for keeping it a secret, considering how you’ve reacted?”

Dean’s jaw ticked, and your teary face flashed again into his mind. He wondered how long you’d cried - if Sam had comforted you, like the big softie he was. If you’d thought about him at all the last few days. If you wished he’d reacted differently. ‘Cos god, he was wishing that right about now, too.

“She-she’s dangerous,” Dean protested lamely.

“If you really believed that, you would never have let Sam go after her alone,” Cas reminded him gently, and he couldn’t find the words to argue back. He let his eyes fall on the yellowed paper before him, the fading ink blurring into a meaningless jumble of letters as he struggled to make sense of the mass of emotions tangled amongst his thoughts.

“Why was I so angry?” he asked eventually. “She lied to me, and- and I was so pissed. But now I just… I miss her,” he admitted. Cas offered a tight, sympathetic smile.

“You do have a tendency to lash out when you’re hurt,” he informed the Winchester. “I know that better than most. And it’s understandable that you could feel… betrayed,” Castiel continued slowly, and Dean grunted in agreement.

“Yeah, well, she did lie to me,” he muttered.

“So has Sam. And I, in the past. Don’t be angry, but… you do tend to latch onto small things to push people away. And I know,” Cas interjected as Dean opened his mouth to protest, “this isn’t exactly a tiny secret. But I think that the reason why she kept it was quite clear. The real question is - why did you feel the need to push her away in the first place?”

Dean swallowed hard, hating that the angel was right in his analysis, and hating even more how obvious the answer seemed to him now. Why had he pushed you away, just as you were starting to get close?

The answer came to him as easily as the alphabet. Because he didn’t deserve you. He didn’t deserve your concern, your care, your smiles. And above all, he certainly didn’t deserve your love. He didn’t deserve to be happy with you - he knew he’d only bring you down.

And so, Dean had done what Dean did best - found a means to push you away. To alienate himself from you, so that even if he changed his mind, you wouldn’t want to be with him after the way he had wronged you. So that you could be free of him. And it just so happened that your newly exposed identity as a witch was the perfect excuse to slice a rift between you.

Dean ran his hands over his face as he groaned. “God, Cas, she was just trying to help. She was trying to help me and I was such a fucking dick to her. How do I go back from that?” he asked helplessly, voice cracking as he raised his head to meet Castiel’s eyes. The angel’s face was solemn.

“I’d imagine you start with an apology.”

Dean sighed, mouth half open to speak when his phone vibrated against the table. His jaw fell closed, and he shot Cas a tense look before holding the phone up to his ear.

“Dean,” he muttered.

“Hiya, Dean!” Donna’s cheerful voice greeted. “Look, it could be nothing, but I might have a case for ya…”

---

You glanced up from your book as Sam’s phone vibrated across the room - the youngest Winchester had gone for a walk to clear his head from the seemingly endless lore and news articles the two of you had been picking apart since your hasty departure from the bunker. Sighing, you heaved yourself to your feet, rubbing at your temple absentmindedly as you glanced at the caller ID.

Dean.

Breath catching in your throat, you set your jaw and purposefully declined the call. Thoughts of the eldest Winchester didn’t bring you sadness, not anymore - instead, they fuelled your system with rage. How could he treat you like that, say those things to you after all you’d been through together? You humphed in annoyance, and just as you were about to re-take your seat, the phone began its incessant buzzing once more. Defeated, you held the phone up to your ear, bracing yourself for what was to come.

“Sam’s phone,” you said tersely, and the line fell dead silent.

“Y/N?” Dean asked, voice barely rising above a whisper. You cleared your throat, careful to keep your voice steady as you responded.

“That’s me - the one you kicked out, remember?” you said brightly, though your voice was underlaid with acidic anger that corroded your cheerful tone.

“I remember,” Dean muttered. “Y/N, I-”

The door opened, and you exhaled in relief as you pulled the phone from your ear. “Sam, it’s your brother,” you said stiffly, and Sam quirked an eyebrow before accepting the phone in your extended hand.

“Dean?” he asked in surprise, and you picked up your book again as Sam walked into the bathroom, closing the door while he continued the conversation with his brother. You heard his voice rise in irritation, but after a few more moments, he walked out with a defeated expression.

“Donna needs help on a hunt,” he said apologetically, beginning to gather his things. You jumped up and began to prepare your own, but paused at the confused expression clouding Sam’s face.

“Uh… Dean’s gonna be there. You don’t have to come,” he told you, and you shrugged half-heartedly.

“I feel so cooped up in here, I honestly don’t care. A hunt would do me some good - help me get out some pent up anger,” you explained, and Sam frowned but didn’t object again. “So, what are we looking at?” you asked.

“Uh, Dean said something about a “killer bunny,” Sam said, and you shot him a confused look.

“A what?”

“That’s all he said - it might not even be our kind of thing. I say we go down, give Donna some peace of mind, and if it’s not our kinda gig we let the police take it from there,” he said, and you nodded.

“Yeah. Okay. Let’s hop on down and check out this killer bunny,” you said, smiling cheekily. Sam groaned.

“Really, Y/N?” he asked, though his tone was tinged with amusement. “Puns?”

“Hey, maybe it was an accident - you really ought to stop jumping to conclusions,” you defended, and he rolled his eyes.

“An accident? Yeah, I doubt it - you’re hardly being subtle,” he replied, and you grinned slyly.

“I guess you could even say I’m dangling a carrot in front of your face,” you pressed, and Sam turned to you in exasperation.

“You done?” he asked, despite the smile playing on his features. You grinned.

“Not even close.”

“Well, I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns for at least the ride down,” Sam said, and you pouted.

“Why?” you whined, and he shot you a playful grin.

“They’re just not bunny.”

---

A pun-filled car ride later, the two of you strode into Donna’s precinct in your FBI getups, where Dean was already waiting for you.

“Sorry if we’re a hare late, traffic was a nightmare,” you greeted, pointedly ignoring Dean as you gave a laughing Donna a hug. Sam rolled his eyes fondly, and you winked at him before your sights fell on Dean. His eyes met yours, and he quickly lowered his gaze, clearing his throat before turning to Donna.

“So, what makes you think this is our kind of thing?” he asked. Donna explained the situation - gruesome murder, and an apprehended perp whose mask refused to budge. You whistled as she finished.

“Well, it’s certainly a hare-raising tail, but I’m not sure it’s our thing,” you said with a mischievous smile. Donna laughed, Sam rolled his eyes affectionately, and Dean tried a tentative smile of his own.

You ignored it.

“Yeah, but if uh, you’ve got a wild hare...” he added playfully. “See what I did there?” Donna laughed again, but you rolled your eyes and acted as though he hadn’t spoken, refusing to even meet his gaze. His heart sank, and the smile fell from his face.

A short while later, Donna led the three of you to the holding cells, where you frowned at the sight before you.

“Any witnesses?” Sam asked, and Donna nodded.

“Ex-wife - thought she was next, but the bunny just up and walked out the door!” she exclaimed.

“You ID him yet?” Dean queried, and Donna shook her head.

“Nope. No wallet, cell… ran his prints, but no prior record. Couldn’t even get our hands on him long enough to check for any identifying marks. Only thing we do know is he’s caucasian, roughly eighteen to twenty-five… and terrifying,” she breathed.

Donna was called away by Officer Stover, leaving the three of you, plus bunny, alone. You frowned, stepping closer and squinting at the bloodied mask.

“Are we sure it’s not just a really committed furry?” you asked slowly. Sam’s brow furrowed.

“What’s a-”

Dean frantically shook his head at his brother. “You don’t wanna know,” he interrupted, and the exaggerated fear in his voice brought a smile to your face. You quickly composed your expression, clearing your throat as Dean stepped forward and threw some mocking quips at the masked figure.

“What, took too much molly? Super-glued your mask to your head? Got paranoid, stabbed a guy? Been there,” he chuckled, and you scoffed. Dean turned around, frowning at your reaction, and the bunny seized the moment of distraction to grab him by the neck and slam him against the bars of the holding cell.

Sam busted out the holy water, to no avail. “Not a demon,” he remarked. You stood to the side, panic flaring in your chest at the sight of Dean struggling. No no no no no!

“Well, he’s strong!” Dean snapped, and Sam grabbed the bunny’s hands, trying to pry them off his brother’s neck. You rubbed your temple, trying to soothe your stress headache and willing yourself to think when it hit you.

“Wait, I’ve got this,” you muttered, pushing Sam back as you took a deep breath and closed your eyes.

“Any time now, Y/N!” Dean pressed.

“Shut it!” you snapped, before thrusting your hands forward. A surge of power had the attacker flying backwards and slamming into the wall. It didn’t seem to faze him - he got to his feet and stood perfectly still, those fake, glassy eyes seeming to stare straight at you. Dean winced, rubbing at his neck. As the adrenaline seeped from your veins, you felt your headache fade away.

“Thanks,” Dean muttered, and you folded your arms, resolutely ignoring him. Meanwhile, Sam’s eyes fell on the bunny’s t-shirt - Minnesota Tech - and the tattoo on his arm - ‘Kylie Forever’.

“Kylie forever,” he mused. “That’ll work.”

It didn’t take you long to compile a list of potential ‘Kylie’s’, and Dean whistled at the length of it. “Alright, Y/N and I will take the first ten. Sam, you can-”

You cleared your throat. “Uh, actually, I’ll go with Sam,” you interjected, and Dean raised his brows in surprise.

“But- but we always team up,” he objected, voice ringing with hurt. You shot him a tight smile.

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t want you to have to swallow your disgust, would I?” you spat, and Dean flinched at your words as the reality of the situation crashed over him. How could he forget?

“Listen, Y/N…” he began, but you shook your head.

“Just… leave it,” you grumbled. “We’ll check in later. C’mon, Sam,” you dismissed, grabbing Sam’s arm and walking away. Sam shot his brother an apologetic shrug, letting you guide him towards the exit.

Dean watched as you left, expelling a deep sigh as he ran his hand over the side of his face before shaking his head to himself. He jumped when Donna’s voice echoed from behind him.

“What’d’ya do to get her knickers all up in a bunch?” she asked, and Dean barked a dry laugh that died on his lips.

“I messed up, is what I did,” he informed her. “Things were good. Great. Better than, even - we were… well, we were about to be somethin’, anyways, but I… said some things I shouldn’t have. And now I dunno if she can forgive me. If I even deserve to be forgiven.”

Donna frowned. “Sounds like you should try apologising, bud. Don’t be afraid to go real sappy, neither, just make sure ya bein’ honest,” she advised, and Dean grunted.

“Yeah, I would if she’d actually talk to me,” he scoffed, and Donna hummed.

“Well, if she needs space, you gotta give it to her,” she said simply. “Can’t expect a girl to give ya a civil conversation if you didn’t give her one to start with, can ya? Piece of advice, though - if ya wanna patch things up, ya betta get in sooner rather than later. She and Sam are lookin’ real chummy,” she said, elbowing him slyly. He frowned.

“Her and Sam? No way. Really?”

Donna whistled. “Oh, yeah. Besta luck,” she said, patting him lightly on the back. “Catch ya later.”

As the blonde left, Dean stood for a moment, stewing in his own overwhelming emotions and chewing on the advice Donna had offered. You clearly wanted your space… and if you really were moving away from him and towards Sam… well, wasn’t pushing you away exactly what he’d wanted in the first place? Wouldn’t it be better for you to be with his kind, thoughtful brother instead of being stuck with… well, whatever kind of a mess Dean himself was?

He sighed, shaking his head and ignoring the hollow aching in his chest as he forced himself back to work. He could deal with this later - he wasn’t at breaking point.

Not yet.

---

It didn’t take long for the puzzle pieces to fall together - once you realised you were dealing with a ghost and managed to piece together a list of the costumes he was attached to, it took near no time at all to sort it out between you, Sam, Dean and Donna. You’d stuck with Sam the whole time, communicating with the others in quick phone calls and texts.

Sam was by your side when you tossed a match on the final costume, watching the fire sear through the fabric and the reeking smoke drift into the air as the ghost of Chester Johnson was eaten up by the tongues of hungry, flickering flames. You exhaled heavily as silence fell across the forest the two of you had found yourselves in, an echoing quiet broken only by the crackling of the fire.

“Well, that’s that,” you murmured. Sam swallowed, nodding.

“Yeah. Nice work.”

A smile sloped your lips. “You too. Now what?”

Sam’s phone buzzed before he could reply, and he tugged it from his pocket, glancing at the screen before his eyes met yours.

“Now we meet up with Dean and Donna,” he said. You were quiet.

“Right. Dean.”

“Y/N… maybe you should listen to what he has to say. It seems like-”

“I can’t, Sam. Not right now, not after he… it’s just too soon,” you mumbled, and Sam offered a tight, sympathetic smile.

“Yeah. I get it. But you can’t stay mad at him forever,” he reminded you. You averted your gaze, eyes cast downwards.

“I know. But… I can’t forget. Not yet.”

Sam’s eyes softened, and he rested his hand soothingly on the curve of your waist. You ignored the stutter of your heart.

“Come on, let’s get back.”

The car ride back to the station was quick to draw the lingering tension between the two of you, replacing it with easy banter and refreshing laughter that still bubbled on your lips as the two of you stumbled into Dean.

“Hey - is it done?” he asked, and Sam nodded.

“Yeah - he’s gone. Everything’s burned,” Sam confirmed, and Dean grinned, clapping his brother on the back.

“Great work, Sammy!”

Sam rolled his eyes. “It’s Sam,” he corrected affectionately, and Dean brushed him off with a nonchalant,

“Pssh.” He turned to you. “Good work, Y/N - you always could handle yourself on a hunt,” he complimented, and the smile died on your lips. Your jaw was taut as you avoided his gaze.

“Yeah. Thanks,” you muttered. As much as a small part of you appreciated that Dean was making somewhat of an effort, the memories of that fateful night weren’t so easily erased. Years of friendship reduced to ashes in a single moment as Dean’s rage sent you packing - the echoes of his words still cut you, and you were yet to determine whether their scars would be permanent. At any rate, you knew you weren’t ready to forgive him. Not yet.

Dean sighed. “Look, Y/N… can we talk?”

You half scoffed, feeling your defensive walls rise as you shook your head. “You didn’t exactly give me the liberty of a discussion the other night, did you?”

Your words came out harsher than you intended, and you felt a flicker of guilt at the hurt in Dean’s eyes that you quickly forced yourself to quell. Dean shook his head in disbelief, the action paired with a sharp intake of breath as your words slammed into him like a brick.

“C’mon, man… I was angry. It was a lot to take in, you can’t expect me to just-”

“Dean,” Sam warned, cutting his brother off before he could raise his voice. Dean took a breath, nodding, and you interrupted him as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Whatever, Dean. I’ll be seeing you.” The words were cold, your tone colder as you spun on your heel, stalking back to the car. Despite the hurt welling in your chest, you found yourself half-hoping that he’d follow you, that he’d properly apologise, that things could go back to some semblance of normal…

But Dean watched as you left, Donna’s words ringing in his head. “If she needs space, you gotta give it to her.” As much as every bone in his body longed to follow you, to hug you and kiss you and whisper the words that would fix everything, he stayed put. There were no magic words, no embraces nor kisses that could fix the mess he had made.

And so, with a heavy heart, he let you leave.

---

The car ride back to the motel was draped with a silence so thick you could have sliced it with a butter knife. You didn’t want to think, not right now, so you busied yourself staring out the window at the scenery, leached navy and grey in the moonlight. The road was quiet at this time - the two of you were alone, your only company the yellow glow of the headlights bouncing back at you from the green road signs you passed.

You could feel another headache coming on, so you popped some aspirin and swallowed them dry. The pills were bitter and powdery as they started to crumble on your tongue, and you winced as you finally got them down. Sam glanced over at you when he heard the crinkle of the aluminium sheet of tablets, but maintained his silence.

When he pulled into the parking lot, you headed to the room in sullen silence. You collapsed onto your bed still fully clothed, kicking off your shoes as you sighed. Your conversation with Dean had left a hollow sensation in your chest you weren’t quite certain how to shake. Glancing over at Sam, you saw him climbing into bed and shooting a concerned glance your way. You met it with a ghost of a smile.

“Do you mind…”

He chuckled. “C’mon,” he invited, nodding to his bed. A breathy laugh fell from your lips as you crawled into his bed, letting him tuck you against his chest. You’d slept beside him every night you’d stayed in the motel thus far - his warm presence helped you drift off better than any of your hex bags ever could. Your magic couldn’t replicate the gentle rise and fall of his chest, nor the patterns his fingers would trace over your spine.

“This is just a mess, isn’t it?” you asked weakly, and felt the sudden sinking of Sam’s torso as he sighed.

“Maybe a little,” he allowed, shooting you a small smile that you instinctively returned.

“I just… I don’t know how to feel. I wish things could just go back to the way they were, but… that’s not going to happen, is it? Not now that he knows,” you whispered. “God, I wish I wasn’t… me. Everything would be so much easier.” Sam fell into a thoughtful silence, and you almost thought he’d fallen asleep until his voice broke the comfortable quiet hanging over the room.

“Things won’t be the same,” he said eventually. “But… maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe this is something you needed, something to push you towards…” He trailed off, sighing again as he shook his head. “I dunno. But I don’t think you should just give up on things getting better,” he said. “And you definitely shouldn’t regret being true to yourself. You… God, you’re incredible, Y/N. And if Dean can’t see that, then that’s his loss.”

You smiled at his soothing words, glancing up at him in the darkness. Shadows clung to his skin, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the perfect disarray of his hair. He caught you staring and chuckled, the dimples in his cheeks protruding at the action.

“Thanks, Sammy,” you said eventually, and he shook his head, fingers moving to comb through your hair, gently tugging out the knots. You stared at him a moment longer, your lips forming your next words before you’d even realised you’d spoken.

“Why do you let me call you Sammy? You always correct Dean,” you realised, and Sam laughed sheepishly, the sound swallowed by the darkness. He shrugged.

“I dunno. I guess… when Dean says it, I know he’s seeing me as just his kid brother. But when you say it… it feels different. Almost comforting.” He shrugged again, ducking his head in embarrassment. “That probably sounds stupid…”

You shook your head. “No - not at all,” you breathed, breath catching as his eyes flitted to yours. You were vaguely aware that at some point during your conversation your headache had faded, the space it occupied replaced with Sam’s smile, the warmth of his voice, and solid presence of his arms around you.

His proximity seemed to become more apparent as you became aware of your heart thumping against your ribs. If he noticed, he kept it to himself, though you knew there was no way he could miss the sudden hitch in your breathing as he adjusted to nestle you snug against his side. The simple, caring movement unleashed a wave of emotions you’d been fighting to hold back for longer than you cared to admit - feelings you’d bottled up and pushed away, dismissing them as faint impossibilities, distant fantasies that would never see the light of day.

And so, how fitting it was that you found your breaking point under the dark protection of the night.

Before you could stop yourself, your mouth was slanting against his, sleepy and soft and slow. Sam froze beneath you, and you quickly pulled back, but before you could panic he was returning his lips to yours. Your eyes fell closed as his thumb found the side of your face, brushing along your cheekbone as he tilted your chin up to gain better access to your mouth. Sam’s hand wandered to your waist, clutching you close against him as he twisted his neck to deepen the kiss, the press of his mouth on yours a far more important cause than maintaining his own comfort; your smile, captured in the gentle exploration of his lips over yours, made the straining of his muscles worth it.

But as all good things do, the kiss came to an end. You couldn’t keep the smile from your face as you leaned into Sam’s chest, closing your eyes as his lips found your hair, whispering his goodnight into your scalp. But as sleep began to carry you off in her gentle waves, your mind couldn’t help but drift to Dean - in the bunker that felt more than a thousand miles away, the other side of his bed cold but for the empty bottle he was surely nursing. Dean - still sleeping alone.

His tired, green eyes were the last sight your mind conjured, before sleep finally washed you away.

__________

Read part six here!

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[faveficarchive]

At a Distance - Part 3

by Melissa Good

Pairing: Xena/Gabrielle

Rating: PG-13

Synopsis: This is a novel-length fic, and a classic in the community. Xena and Gabrielle start to explore the changes in their relationship, Gabrielle is recalled to the Amazons where she has to deal with a bit of treachery, and Xena is, as always, there to protect.

Amazon Village - Council Chamber...

Ephiny kept a close eye on Gabrielle’s face as the scout made her report. The queen’s pale green eyes didn’t disclose her reaction to the news, neither did the set of her body, which already held lines of tenseness as she sat behind the council table.

"So, in sum, the border posts report that the rumors appear to be accurate." The scout finished, glancing at Ephiny. "There is some kind of army being built at or around Amphipolis, and there have already been skirmishes with two of the local warlords."

"Who won?" Gabrielle asked, in a quiet voice.

"Not the warlords." The scout answered, with a grim smile.

"No question of who’s responsible, then, I guess." Ephiny gave a forced laugh. Giving the queen an uneasy look. I don’t like that look. But then, I haven’t liked that look for a few days now. Something’s up with her.

Gabrielle nodded, and looked down at her hands. The weight of responsibility settled heavier on her shoulders, and she grimaced to herself. What on earth was Xena up to? "I find it really hard to believe Xena is building an army. More likely, she’s just giving them a few pointers on self defense." She said, leaning back with a smile. "She did mutter something about getting bored out there."

Arella narrowed her eyes, and stood up. "That’s not a risk we can take, Gabrielle, and you know it. Despite whatever she’s done in our behalf, a major army that close to us is dangerous." She looked around, sensing support for her views. Xena was an uneasily trusted ally at the best of times, and there was more than one Amazon who was spooked by the whole coming back from death thing. Not to mention her well known connection with Ares. "You can’t guarantee that she’s not just going back to old ways."

Can’t I? The bard mused. "Oh, I think I can guarantee it." she chuckled lightly. "I know her better than you do."

"Are you willing to risk your life on that?" Arella countered, feeling a sense of excitement building. At last, an issue she could override their surprisingly tough queen on. It had been a long four weeks, and she had lost every encounter so far - personal as well as leadership. And when she tried to hate Gabrielle for it, she found, frustratingly, that she couldn’t.

Gabrielle smiled, a real smile this time. "Arella, I have. More times that I can count." She hesitated. "But, I can see you have a concern." She looked up. "Ephiny?" The Amazon leaned forward. "I’m sending you as an..." her mouth quirked. "envoy to this new army. I want you to conclude a treaty with them, to provide a mutual defense of territory." She tried really hard, and managed to keep a grin off her face.

Ephiny nodded. "All right." She said, slowly, dragging the words out. "If that’s what you want." A deep breath. Wants me to check things out, I guess. She seems pretty sure, though...

Arella cleared her throat. Not this time, green eyes. "Excellent idea, but I think, for Ephiny’s protection, we need to send along someone to escort her. " Behind her, she felt Erika stir, and she grinned to herself. "My best crossbow, Erika, will make a good escort."

Ephiny and Gabrielle exchanged glances. No way to gracefully refuse that offer, the bard thought. And I suppose it won’t hurt for the opposition to get a chance to see the truth for themselves. "Ok." she nodded. "Dawn, then." She pulled over a sheet of parchment and picked up a quill. "I’ll write out a treaty." And a note, for private delivery. For me to get some of this stuff I have bottled up off my chest, for someone to read who I know I can trust. Who trusts me.

Her usual after dinner walk to the lake left her sitting on a stony projection, staring out over the running water with unseeing eyes, and letting her head rest back against the cool stone. It had been a productive four weeks, she mused, a treaty concluded with the centaurs, a trading agreement with three villages to the south, and a cooperative defense plan with the two farming centers to the east. The villages were willing to trade supplies and foodstuffs for crafts and the Amazon’s protective services. Not bad, actually. She had every right to be very pleased, and somewhat proud of herself.

But the constant pressure was getting to her. She sighed. She could feel it, in her lack of patience, in the strain that left her back and neck aching at night so badly she could hardly lie down. In the constant questioning of everyone’s motives. And the persistent need to be on her guard against the words and physical touches of Arella. And it’s not like I’m not a touchy kind of person. she scowled to herself. After all, I can hardly keep my hands off.... A pause, then a helplessly silly grin. Well, that was different. But Arella just made her feel... ugh. Creepy.

Ephiny knew there was something wrong. Had gently tried to question her on it, but Gabrielle had resisted confiding in her, knowing Ephiny felt guilty enough about calling her here. Knowing if Ephiny knew how bad she felt, the Amazon would feel it her duty to do something. And there was only one something that would help. One someone, and that would ruin a lot of what she was trying to do. She groaned, and let her head slip forward, trying to release some of the tension in her neck. Having the sudden desperate craving to feel a familiar pair of strong hands clasp her there, and with a few knowledgeable kneads, bring relief. After a moment of indulgence in misery, she took a deep breath, and leaned back, squaring her shoulders. I can do this. I may not like it, but I can do it.

I wonder if any of them know just how much I would pay to be the one going to check out the new Amphipolis army? She laughed helplessly. Except, I think... if I did... I’d never come back. I think? No...I know. That’s really why I haven’t sent word to her...why I won’t admit to Ephiny why I can’t sleep at night...because if she rode into this village, she’d take one look at my face, and just lift me up onto Argo, and ride out. And I’d go...and I wouldn’t look back. And.. she sighed. That wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Right now. But I can’t do this forever. It’s killing me.

A sound at her back raised the hair on her neck, as she recognized the footsteps. Oh great. "Hello, Arella." she said, not turning around. Another reason I can’t send for Xena. Drawing and quartering a fellow Amazon at sunrise in the middle square of the village will really upset some of the negotiations. She turned to see the tall redhead sauntering down the riverbank, stopping when she reached Gabrielle’s rock, and leaning on it with an air of complacent familiarity.

"Ah, my queen." she said, in a bantering tone. "I’m glad you accepted my offer to send Erika along to Amphipolis. I do hope there won’t be any trouble needing her services." She smiled at the bard, who wrapped one arm around her knee and remained silently listening. "Look, I know you think you know best about this, but I’ve asked around...and you know it wouldn’t be out of the question for your friend to be building up another army. She’s done it before."

Gabrielle sighed in annoyance. "Arella, the subject is not up for debate." She let some of her anger show in her glance. "I’m not going to justify, either to you or anyone else my faith in my best friend. You’ll just have to see for yourself."

"What if you’re wrong?" Arella countered softly, laying a hand on the smaller woman’s shoulder, and capturing her eyes with her own. "What then? Do we sit here and wait for an attack, based on your...faith?" Her voice left little doubt of what she thought that faith was based on.

Gabrielle went very still, and felt a seldom indulged deep anger trying to work its way to her calm surface. She bit her lip until the urge to lash out at the tall Amazon subsided, then drew in a breath. "Well, then... you won’t have anything to worry about." she was amazed at how calm she sounded. "Because I’ll no longer be the queen of the Amazons."

Arella started, and jerked back, not expecting that response. "You’d step down?" she asked, incredulously.

The bard smoothly stood, and stepped up to her. "Yes." She enjoyed the look of confusion on Arella’s handsome face. Because if that happened, I would no longer trust my own judgment. And they couldn’t either. "But I know I’m right."

"I think you’re judgment is a little...clouded." Arella responded, but she sounded unsure. "But I guess we’ll see." She removed her hand from the bard’s shoulder, and backed off, giving her a little smile, then turning her back and walking up the path to the village.

Gods. Gabrielle groaned to herself. I can’t take much more of this. One of these times, I’m going to lose it, and do something I know I’m going to regret, because she can definitely beat the tar out of me. And I’m supposed to be the non violent one. Well, Xena...I just got an up close and personal understanding of that little look you get, you know, that narrowed eye, lip twitching one, when you really want to just bap someone, and you can’t. A whole new perspective, yes ma’am. And I am totally ashamed of myself for desperately wishing I could see you just lay her out with one of those right from the shoulder power hits you’re so very good at. Ashamed. Yep. Bad bard. Bad bard. Suddenly she giggled at the thought, bringing a little relief. And turned as she heard yet another person approaching. Ah. Ephiny. Of course.

The Amazon approached cautiously, with a raised eyebrow. "You’re standing in the middle of the riverbank... giggling. Should I be concerned?" she queried, with a hesitant grin.

Gabrielle shook her head. "No...just doing some therapeutic visualization."

"Huh?" Ephiny blurted.

"Picturing Xena dumping Arella into a pile of centaur droppings." the bard rephrased.

"Ah!" Ephiny exclaimed, then chuckled. "That’s not very queenly of you."

"No." The bard answered. "But I’m enjoying it." She turned to walk back to the village, waiting for Ephiny to fall into step next to her. "You just missed her."

Ephiny turned and put a hand out to stop Gabrielle from continuing to walk. "Hey... is she getting too much for you? Because if she is.."

"You’ll do... what?" the bard countered, serious now. "What, Ephiny? Hit her? She can take you, or almost anyone else. Here, anyway" She wouldn’t release the Amazon’s gaze until Ephiny sighed. "You don’t think I’ve thought of that? Do you know how hard it is to just put up with it when I know with one..." She stopped. "Anyway. I can cope with her. Just go find out what’s going on over in Amphipolis" Turning, she started walking up the path again.

Ephiny squared her shoulders, and caught up. "OK..OK...but it’s damn hard to watch. I gotta tell you that, my friend." Upset made her voice wobble. "I don’t like feeling helpless, Gabrielle, I just don’t. And...I do care, you know."

Gabrielle glanced at her sidelong. "I know. And I appreciate that, Ephiny. It’s all right - I’ve dealt with worse than her. She really hasn’t done anything, it’s just that....ugh..."

"Attitude?" Ephiny provided, knowingly. "Yeah."

"Yeah." Gabrielle agreed. "The I’m too sexy for my skirt attitude."

Ephiny lost it, doubling over in laughter. After a minute, the bard joined her. "Oh.. I’m sorry.." the Amazon gasped, leaning on a tree. "that just struck me so funny..." She took a breath, still chuckling. "I’m glad you’re immune to it. I was.." An embarrassed shrug. "kind of concerned about that. I know you’ve not had a lot of...er...experience."

Gabrielle blushed. "Ephiny" she muttered. "I hadn’t realized just how naive you thought I was until right now." she glanced around. "What am I supposed to tell her, that her ‘appeal’ pales in comparison to what I’m used to?"

Now it was Ephiny’s turn to blush. "You keep surprising me." she admitted, "and you know I don’t really like to pry into your personal business."

"Mmm." the bard agreed. "Well, I need to go write that treaty. Pick it up in a few hours, will you?"

And just what will I write? Gabrielle thought to herself as she settled at the desk, quill in hand. She thought for a long time, then nodded a little to herself, and started writing. For a very long time the only sound in the hut was the sound of her quill scratching against the parchment. First, the treaty. Then, a longer missive, with pauses for thought between the words. At last, she settled back, and reviewed her work. Satisfied, she sanded the ink, blew the parchment dry, and folded it carefully, adding a wax seal. It read:

Dear Xena,

Sorry about sending Ephiny with this dumb treaty, but your reputation is getting out of hand, and there are rumors that you are taking over the world. Again. Please treat her gently, and try not to beat up the person traveling with her, who is one of Arella’s stooges, and is there to make sure Ephiny tells the truth about what’s going on.

I hope you’re OK, and not busy building blackberry fortifications. I told the Amazons you were probably teaching your people there how to defend themselves, as I’ve seen you teach others. As you’ve taught me. But they’re hard to convince. I guess they don’t know you as I do. I feel sorry for them.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to put anything sappy in this note, as I know you hate that sort of thing, but the temptation to just say I miss you more than anything is just too great. The Amazons are treating me OK, and we are making progress, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish you were here. Sometimes I just want to hear your voice, or have you raise your eyebrow at me. That’s pretty sappy, isn’t it? Sorry about that.

Anyway, assuming you’ve finished conquering the world by then, there’s a festival coming up here during the next full moon, and I thought if you weren’t doing anything else, maybe you could drop by. It’s the fall harvest celebration of Dionysus, and I have a funny feeling that I’m going to be in need of championing.

There...that was a nice polite way of saying I need you, wasn’t it? Because I do.

Be well.

G

The bard sighed, and leaned back in her chair, feeling a sense of weight being lifted off her shoulders. By the festival, she should have just about everything sorted out, and if not.. well, it didn’t matter. Idly, she realized that she never even questioned herself as to what the response was going to be to this note. When did I become so sure? Her brows creased. I mean, it’s possible that she’s happy where she is now, and won’t show. But her heart laughed at her, and try as she would to feel apprehension, the only thing she came up with was a bubbling surge of happy expectation.

Ephiny found her half asleep over the table when she stopped by an hour later, to pick up her charges. "Hey." She said softly, so as not to startle her.

"Oh." Gabrielle responded, a little foggily, rubbing her eyes and blinking at the Amazon. "Sorry." She grinned sheepishly. "I was sort of out of it there for a minute." She held up the sealed packet. "Here, I finished the treaty. It’s a little on the short side, but I don’t think you’ll need more."

Ephiny came forward and grasped the packet, tucking it away in her belt pouch. "Why don’t you get some sleep? You look wiped." she pronounced, with a sympathetic look at the bard. But more relaxed than I’ve seen her in two fortnights. I wonder what’s in this packet?

"Yeah. Good idea." Gabrielle answered, muffling a yawn. "Have a good trip. Try not to kill Erika, and..." her face creased into a grin. "Give my regards to the conqueror of the world, will you?"

Ephiny chuckled. "All right, I will. Any messages?"

"There’s one in there." Gabrielle nodded at her pouch. "But thanks for asking."

Ephiny grunted. "Very well. Good night, and see you in a week or so." So... that’s what I’m carrying, is it? She laughed to herself, as she walked out into the night G’wan, Ephiny... you are a romantic thing, aren’t you? She spotted Erika, who changed direction to move towards her, and wiped the grin off her face.

"Erika." she greeted the woman. "We leave at dawn."

"I know." the dark haired Amazon answered coolly. "And I hate being late. Don’t worry, I’ll be there, with bells on." She gave Ephiny an amused look. "Won’t this be fun? At least you won’t have to worry about eating on the way there." She plucked her bowstring in emphasis, then sauntered off.

"Aurgh." Ephiny growled, low in her throat. "Just what did I ever do to anyone to deserve this??"

"I dunno." Granella chuckled, slipping an arm around her. "Maybe if you’re lucky, Erika will annoy Xena when you get to Amphipolis, and your trip back will be more pleasant." They walked along for a few minutes, then Ephiny laughed. "That’s a nice thought." She wrapped an arm around Granella’s shoulders, and pulled her close. "Thanks...I’ll keep that thought in my mind when I have to spend three days on the road with her."

"You don’t really think there’s an army brewing there, do you?" Granella asked, curiously.

"Nah." Ephiny shrugged. "I think Gabrielle is right on there. I’ll be glad to see the old war horse, though...maybe I can get a handle on what’s been bugging our queen. "

Granella snorted. "If you call her an old war horse to her face, she’ll get a handle on you, Ephiny... and toss you into the manure pit, more than likely."

They both laughed, and walked towards the scout’s campfire.

Amphipolis, three days later...

"Here’s the crossroads." Ephiny said, gesturing ahead. "It’s not far up the road from here." She moved forward, not waiting for a response. It had been a long three days.

Erika strode easily next to her, in silence. She glanced ahead, seeing the first edge of fields that meant an upcoming village, and sighed to herself in relief. Traveling with Ephiny had been nerve-wracking, since neither of them trusted the other, and she hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in three days. Nor had her traveling companion. Conversation had been limited to discussion of the path, the weather, the general condition of the lands around them, and that was about it. Erika was looking forward to getting to Amphipolis, army or no army just to have someone else to talk to. And she was pretty sure Ephiny felt the same way.

The fields they passed were well tended, and they began to spot villagers working out in them. Occasionally, one of them would raise a head, and observe them as they passed, but there was no overt hostility there, just mild curiosity. "Looks pretty peaceful." Erika admitted.

"Hmm." Ephiny murmured, then jerked her head towards the fields again. "Maybe, but look again. Word’s being passed on us." Then she noticed the casual scattering of staves around the workers, and spotted a half asleep boy on the wall facing the road, whose lidded eyes followed them. Her spine began to prickle.

Erika moved closer to her in pure reflex. Now that Ephiny had pointed it out, she could see small subtle signs of an uncommon awareness around the hard working field hands and trudging villagers. Still, she saw no armor, no slyly hidden weapons. No fortifications. Puzzled, she glanced at Ephiny, whose face reflected a similar confusion. "Well, that makes me feel better." She commented wryly. "You don’t know what’s going on here either."

They walked on, approaching the village proper, where they got polite nods from the passer’s by, and a cheerful hello from a few who apparently recognized what they were. "Well, they don’t hate Amazons, anyway." Ephiny muttered. "There’s an inn. Let’s go find out where we can find Xena." She directed her steps to the door, and pushed it open, peering inside.

"Hello." Came a voice from within, drawing their attention. Ephiny moved inside, and blinked a little in the gloom coming from the sunny courtyard. It was a nicely appointed inn, with good solid tables, and an appearance of doing well. She turned her attention to the man standing behind the service bar, and jerked a little at the unreal sense of familiarity he stirred in her. Who? What...??? Then she realized it was the eyes. Fiery electric blue, like only one other person she had ever known.

"Hello." He said again, coming out from behind the service bar and moving towards them. "You’re Amazons." Stating the obvious. "Are you looking for Xena?"

Ephiny and Erika looked at each other. "Yes." Ephiny said, tilting her curly head at him. "And you are...?"

"Toris." He extended a forearm. "Her brother."

"Ah." Ephiny breathed. "That explains why you look so familiar." She chuckled. "She never mentioned.."

"She never does." Toris answered, cheerfully. "But here we are. And she’s out in the practice yard running some drills - you can go through the back door there if you like."

"Thanks." Ephiny said warmly, and motioned Erika to go before her towards the door. "Nice meeting you."

"I’m sure we’ll be speaking again." Toris answered, with an amused look on his face. "Watch yourself when you go out there, sometimes those staffs get swung a little wildly."

Ephiny nodded, and moved on. "Wow.." she said in an undertone to Erika, ignoring her dislike for the woman for a moment.

"Yeah.." Erika answered, with a sly grin. "I guess the looks run in the family."

For a moment, an understanding of a sort existed between them. Then they were at the door, and Ephiny was pushing it open cautiously. The sound of wood smacking against wood could now be clearly heard. They peered around the doorjamb, and froze in place, just watching.

The practice yard was a cleared area in back of the inn, with a packed earth floor, and strategically placed hay bales. Xena was in the center of it, armed with a long quarterstaff, and facing 10 villagers, mixed men and women, who were taking turns coming at her, and trading blows. The tall warrior was in a sleeveless white belted tunic, and boots, and was patiently explaining to each villager what they were doing wrong, or right, whichever it happened to be, as they came towards her and practiced smooth swings and parries.

Erika and Ephiny traded glances again. "Guess Gabrielle was right." Ephiny smirked. "Sure looks like a defense class to me."

Erika snorted. "Maybe." she grudgingly admitted, though she was privately convinced the queen had been right all along. That wasn’t the reason she was along, and what Xena was, or was not doing wasn’t really relevant. Of course, Ephiny didn’t know that. But she would find out. A smile curled Erika’s lips. She turned to watch the class, as Xena, stepping back, now motioned for all of the villagers to come at her at once. Raising an eyebrow at what she saw.

"She’s pretty damn good." The dark haired Amazon muttered.

Ephiny snorted and rolled her eyes. "Pretty good. Yeah, right. " She watched as Xena, moving with a powerful grace managed to disarm most of the villagers in one dazzling series of movements, then just jumped over the other three, and took their legs out from under them with a backhanded sweep. "Oh ho! I just saw where our queen got one of her moves from."

"That reverse sweep, yeah." Erika admitted. "not bad."

Ephiny rolled her eyes, and looked back at the practice ground, finding her eyes held by a pair of burning blue ones. Xena immediately stopped what she was doing, and loped in their direction, tossing an instruction over her shoulder at the villagers. Ephiny realized the sudden alarm she was causing, and made a quick hand signal to the fast approaching warrior, seeing relief flood Xena’s eyes, and her tense shoulders relax.

In a brief moment, she was slowing to a halt opposite them, extending an arm to Ephiny, who grasped it warmly. "Hello, Ephiny." She shot a glance at Erika, then looked inquiringly at the blond Amazon.

"Hello, Xena. This is Erika." Her grasp tightened on Xena’s muscular forearm for a second, and she saw an answering quirk of the warrior’s eyebrows.

"Erika." Xena drawled. "What brings you two here?" She released Ephiny’s arm, and nodded for them to go back inside the inn. "Go on in." She held the heavy door for them, and followed them inside, grabbing a pitcher and a few glasses on the way to an empty table, and setting them down before pulling a chair up and seating herself. "Help yourself. The ale’s cold, but I warn you, it’s potent."

They poured themselves glasses, and sipped tentatively, then more enthusiastically. "Nice." Erika purred, glancing at the dark haired woman over the top of her glass. Ephiny nodded agreement.

"Tell it to my mother." Xena commented, settling back in the chair with her own glass. "Now, what brings a pair of Amazons to Amphipolis?"

"Your mother?" Ephiny asked, distracted.

"Yeah, Gabrielle hasn’t been telling that story where they found me under a rock again, has she?" Xena’s voice was amused. "This is my mother’s inn." She glanced around. "You’ve already met Toris, I take it."

Ephiny just shrugged. "Honestly, Xena, nobody knows much about you, so I guess it never occurred to us that you had a family somewhere. You’ve kept pretty quiet about it."

The warrior shrugged. "Safer for them that way." She leaned forward. "You still haven’t told me what brings you here." Pinning them both with a baleful blue glare.

"Ah.. yes." Ephiny started. "Sorry. Here." She untied her pouch, and handed Xena the packet Gabrielle had given her. Watching the warrior take it gingerly, and glance at the wax seal, then let a brief grin quirk her lips. "Well, there are these rumors.."

Xena raised an eyebrow at her. "Rumors?" Then she laughed. "Oh... let me guess. I’m out to conquer half of Greece again." She sighed, and took a long sip of ale. "I’d figured that would start. Didn’t think it would start so fast, or go so far." She shook her head. "And... the Amazons were concerned?" Her voice held equal parts annoyance and chagrin.

"Well.." Ephiny glanced at the floor. "Some of them were. Gabrielle, on the other hand, had this pegged exactly for what it was." She glanced up at Xena. "She does know you pretty well." Saw the momentary answering gleam in those ice blue eyes.

"Yeah, she does." Xena answered, quietly. "So.. what’s this?" She indicated the packet.

"Oh.’ Ephiny grinned. "It’s a mutual defense treaty."

Xena burst out laughing. "You’re kidding." Ephiny shook her head, smiling. "Oh this is just like Gabrielle." She broke the seal on the packet and pulled out the contents, putting the treaty to one side, and glancing at the second, sealed piece of parchment. Her eyebrows quirked, and she put it down quietly on the table, then picked up the treaty and read it. "Oh.." a laugh. "Wait a minute." And she got up and reached behind the service bar for a quill and ink, bringing it back, and dipping the point in. She grinned, and made a few notes in the margin of the treaty, then a few more. Finally, she signed the bottom with a flourish, and pushed it back towards Ephiny. "Here. Take it back. You’re protected."

Ephiny scanned the document, and chuckled herself. "Very funny. But what’s this bit here? I can’t read it... what dialect is that?"

Xena grinned. "Don’t worry about it. The Queen can read it. " She took a breath, and her eyes dropped to the table, where the second parchment waited. Casually, she picked it up and broke the seal, unfolding the sheet and scanning it.

The first two paragraphs made her smile and roll her eyes. Then she got to the third, and the smile turned from amusement to something else. She reread it twice, trying to ignore the chills chasing up and down her spine. Then realized the two Amazons were watching her with interest. "Well," she said, folding the parchment up. "Gabrielle says things are going fairly well." She glanced at them. "And that I should treat you two to a night in a real bed and some decent food."

"Thanks." Ephiny nodded, letting the warrior off the hook, having watched her usually inexpressive face react to the note she was reading. Had seen that fondly amused look change, the eyes widen, and that smile...Ephiny would have paid dearly to know just what it was Gabrielle had written to have gotten that response...then she mentally smacked herself. Cut that out, Ephiny. It’s not your business. "We’d appreciate that. It’s been a tough march out here. The weather’s been really unpredictable."

Xena nodded, and stood up, draining her cup and putting it behind the service counter. "Let me tell Johan you’re here. Be right back." She padded through the door in the rear, heading further into the inn. And as soon as the door closed behind her, she slumped against the wall, suddenly weak in the knees, and leaned her head against the crosspost letting a totally unexpected avalanche of emotion just take her.

Was it just that easy? She unfolded the parchment again, and reread it. In a single, simple paragraph, the bard had laid her heart out open, and, honestly, as she did everything else, reaffirmed their bond. And that last line...Xena realized she must have a very silly grin on her face, and shook herself, pushing off from the wall, and glancing around. C’mon, Xena, you’re way too old to act like this. Get a grip on yourself. C’mon, c’mon... tough warlord act. You know that one. Let’s go... let’s go.. you can melt into a puddle later. Much later. With a deep breath, she settled her shoulders, and went in search of Johan, who was glad to set aside two rooms for the Amazons.

"Are you sure... two?" Johan asked, giving her a sly look.

Xena raised both eyebrows at him. "Johan...whatever could you mean?" She grinned. "But in this case, yes, I’m sure. These two have no love lost between them." She chuckled, and cuffed his arm. "Troublemaker."

"Not at all." Johan protested, but smiled at her.

"OK, all set." The warrior said, as she swung back through the doorway, seating herself again. "rooms and dinner, as requested by your queen." She propped one booted foot against the table support and leaned back. "Mother has a bathing room upstairs also, if you’re interested." She saw the appreciative gleams in two pairs of eyes. "Go on and enjoy yourselves. I have some drill to finish, then I’ll join you for dinner. It can get a little...crowded in here, but folks are polite, and they’ll know who you are."

Ephiny raised her eyebrow at that. "Is that good or bad?" she asked, only half joking.

Xena gave her a tolerant look. "It’s good. Mother and Toris and most of the folks here know Gabrielle, and they’re familiar with the Amazons, with you lot being so close."

"Fine." Ephiny said, then jerked her head at Erika. "I’m going upstairs. You?"

Erika put her cup on the table, and nodded, then gave Xena a tolerably respectful nod, and followed Ephiny towards the stairs.

Xena watched them go, then snorted and shook her dark head. "Amazons." She sighed, glancing at the ceiling. "It never ends."

"What doesn’t, dear?" Cyrene asked, walking over to her, and peering up the stairs. "Were those the Amazons I heard were here?"

Xena glanced at her. "Yeah."

Cyrene nodded. "Hmm. And how is Gabrielle?" She asked, watching her daughter’s face with a small smile. Seeing the gentle sparkle appear in her eyes at the mention of that name.

"Fine." Xena answered, quietly. And managed, somehow, to not break into that stupid grin again. "Well, I have things to do." she said, and hoisted herself out of the chair. "They’ll be staying the night." she added, as she stood up and moved around her mother towards the door. Aware of the fond smile following her out. Damn.. am I that transparent?

Dinner, as she suspected, was crowded, but the two Amazons seemed to enjoy it anyway, watching the villagers with amused interest, and being watched in return. They asked, and she related the truth behind the rumors of her army building.

"It was not a big thing." the warrior sighed. "Look, a bunch of the younger guys came to me, and asked me to just provide them with some basic defense skills. You know, some staff, some hand to hand...so, I did." She shrugged. "They took to it... better than I thought they were going to, in fact. So then, one of the local warlords decided to run a raid on the village." She stopped and took a sip of ale. "And we stopped them."

"Just like that." Ephiny grinned. "with a little help from you, personally, I would guess."

"No." Came the very surprising answer. "That wasn’t the point. We all know I can fight." She grinned in self deprecation. "They did it themselves." She glanced around. "And then they did it again. So... that’s how the rumor started." Another sip. And then she sat back and regarded the crowd. "They’re not bad people." A quirk of a grin. "Most of them even talk to me now."

"I noticed you aren’t in armor." Ephiny commented, leaning back in her chair with a sigh. "Whoa... that was good. Compliments to your mother."

Xena quirked a grin. "Yeah, I leave the armor off because it makes people a little nervous." She glanced at Ephiny. "I’ll pass along the compliments, by the way. She enjoys stuffing people." she snorted. "I’d be in real trouble if I didn’t spend half my day sparring and the other half hunting for the table." And half the night doing drills. I like her cooking way too much.

Ephiny smiled. "Worse things could happen to you. " She yawned, and noticed Erika was nodding a little sleepily as well. "I think we’ve about had enough for today, though." She stood, and Erika did the same, having said very little during the meal. "Thanks again, Xena. I needed this." She gave the warrior a quiet smile.

"Anytime." Xena nodded at them, and stood as well. "See you in the morning." She added, as she stepped around the back of the table, and left them to go upstairs.

The barn was cool and quiet, and Xena spent a moment just breathing in the familiar scents of hay and horse and dust before she stepped in and shut the door behind her. Argo whickered at her, and she crossed to the mare, glancing around before pulling out the parchment and letting the horse sniff it curiously. "Recognize that, Argo?" The mare whinnied. "Thought you might." She went towards the loft, almost bowling over Ares as he catapulted out from under the tack table and attacked her boot. "Hey, watch it." she muttered, lifting the puppy up and tucking him under her arm, then hoisting herself up one armed into the loft, and laying back on her bedroll.

"Roo." Ares protested, wriggling out of her grasp, and climbing up her arm onto her chest, sniffing at the parchment which she held in front of her. She lifted it out of his range, and just read it again, this time just letting the wash of giddy emotion happen, and quietly closed her eyes, basking in it. I don’t deserve it. I really don’t. But if it’s happening, well...I’m going to let it. I’m tired of fighting this. She rolled her head one side, and regarded the puppy. "I bet you’ll like her, too." she murmured to the animal, who cocked his head at her. "Well, I have to get up and do some sword work, Ares. So be a good boy, and go to sleep, OK?"

She rolled out of the loft, and stripped out of her tunic, putting on the quilted gambeson she used to practice sword work in. It had padding in the shoulders and arms, where she tended to smack herself when in the middle of working out flips and turns in mid air, and saved her from some annoying bruises. It also had clips and buckles to hold her sheath on, and was cut high on the sides to allow for some of her more complicated kicks. She adjusted the straps, and clipped the sword on, then ducked out the door and headed down the path towards the tree line, sucking the cool air down into her lungs and breaking into a run just because it felt good. She threw a few running flips in just for fun, and arrived at the clearing in record time, bouncing a few times on the balls of her feet to get the sword and gambeson settled into the right places.

Damn, I feel good. A long rolling wave of happiness cascaded over her. She drew the sword, and hurled herself into a wild series of mid air passes, letting the emotion work itself out slowly as she settled down to some complicated and frankly, overly fancy sword attacks, which featured twirling and releasing the blade while in the middle of doing reverse moves. It was really hard. And she loved every minute of it, feeling the moves slip into a familiar, comfortable groove. Gods, that’s sweet.

She grinned to herself, then switched gears, and started a more normal set of standard passes, which got faster and faster until the blade itself blurred. Then, then she added the aerial maneuvers, starting with easy forward flips, and progressing to the more complicated ones, which involved twisting in mid air, and the to the really hard ones, the backflips, which she had to do mostly blind, trusting her instincts to place blade, and body, and feet on landing. She’d been having some trouble with those, but tonight.. tonight it all flowed so easy...like everything just slid into place without effort. She laughed out loud, doing a wild backward toss, then bouncing forward into a forward tumble, then up and around into a mid air extended leap that was almost, almost like flying. At last, she relaxed on her back in the grass, arms extended fully, just looking up at the stars. Feeling the dew soak into the gambeson, cooling her off. Just breathing in the scent of the pine forest, the water soaked grass, and the damp earth.

A faint sound came to her, and her defenses came back full force. She bounced to her feet, and slid the sword into it’s sheath, moving into the trees and out of the moonlight. Her senses found a moving body - and she stepped towards it, stopping in the shadow of a large tree to concentrate on the forest in front of her. Her nostrils flared and caught the fitful wind, bringing a faint scent to her, along with the barest hint of a crackle of floor debris underfoot. She stayed where she was, until the intruder passed her still, silent gaze, then rolled her eyes. Ephiny. Would the woman never learn? Sighing, she slid out from behind her tree, and moved into position behind the Amazon, who was clearly following some trail. Hers, she realized, which she had taken absolutely no pains to conceal. Amused, she followed Ephiny until the woman came to the edge of the clearing and looked out, laying one hand on the rough bark of the last tree before the open space. Finally, Xena just cleared her throat, and crossed her arms as the startled Ephiny whirled.

"What is it with you?" The warrior exclaimed, leaning against a nearby tree. "Can’t you just say, "Hey, Xena... can we talk?" Do you have to go sneaking up on people..?" She straightened up, and walked over to where the Amazon was standing, hands on hips.

"Like you never do that either." Ephiny retorted, laughing a little. "Sorry." she said, sheepishly. "It’s a habit. You know us. Never walk when you can sneak." She gazed at Xena. "What are you doing out here, anyway?"

The warrior blew out a breath, and flexed her shoulders. "Sword practice." She nodded at the clearing. "Plenty of space, no villagers to scare."

"Practice?" Ephiny asked, quizzically. "I didn’t know you had to."

Xena scowled at her. "You know, that always amazes me." She said, with a touch of annoyance her voice.

"What does?" Ephiny asked, moving closer and cocking her head, regarding the taller woman in some confusion.

"Why does everybody just assume I just wake up in the morning being able to do things like jump over my own height and catch arrows?" Plaintively, she looked at Ephiny. "Do you really think Ares just steps out from behind a tree, sprinkles me with dust, and there I go?"

Ephiny stood, shocked, and tried to think of something to answer that with. "Uh...Well...Hmm. It’s your own fault." she replied, crossing her arms. "You make it all look so easy... I guess everyone just assumes...I mean... I don’t know what they assume. I guess I always...oh, Hades, Xena. I have no idea what I thought. You just do things." she finished, giving the warrior a little shrug with both hands. "You do things I’ve never seen anyone else do."

Xena sighed, and rubbed her upper arms, "Do you have any idea how long it took me to build up my body to the point where I can do those things?" She gave Ephiny a little grin. "And it takes constant working at it to keep it that way." She chuckled. "So, yeah, Ephiny. I practice. I even hit myself in the head sometimes. Just ask Gabrielle."

She looked at the Amazon, letting serious look take over her face. "What’s on you mind, Eph? I doubt you came out here to watch me do backflips."

Ephiny crossed her arms and leaned back against the tree. "It’s Gabrielle." She said, finally, glancing up and into Xena’s now guarded eyes. "I’m worried about her." She pursed her lips. " Something’s really bothering her, and she won’t talk to me. Or anyone for that matter. "

Xena’s brow creased in some consternation, caught between worry and the realization that she probably knew perfectly well what the bard’s problem was.

"It’s...she’s not sleeping. And she thinks I don’t know it. I think the tension of this whole thing is getting to her. And Arella isn’t helping." She didn’t meet Xena’s eyes. "She’s... putting a lot of pressure on Gabrielle. And she’s not being very subtle about it. " Now she finally looked up. "Don’t get me wrong, she’s handling it just fine. Frustrating the heck out of Arella. " A faint grin from Xena. "But... it’s wearing her out, Xena. And it hurts me to see it. " She paused. "She needs a friend."

"Aren’t you that, Ephiny?" Xena asked gently, her pale eyes searching the Amazon’s face intently.

"I’m one of the people looking to her for solutions." Ephiny sighed. Then bit the arrowhead, and continued. "I really think the friend she needs is standing here in front of me." She took a breath, and glanced at the ground. "Look.. it’s not my business, I know that. But... I like Gabrielle. And I don’t like seeing her the way she is now. She’s in need of something...something we can’t give to her." The Amazon looked up into a pair of still, quiet blue eyes. "But I think you can."

Xena let out a breath, regarding her with a thoughtful expression. About to speak, she suddenly stiffened, and held up a hand, cocking her dark head to listen.

"Crossbow." she mouthed at Ephiny, whose eyes widened. "Pointed at my back." she barely breathed, every sense tuned and alert.

"Who?" Ephiny breathed back, shivering. There was no panic in the eyes facing her, but she could see the sudden sharp edge of readiness tense Xena’s muscles, and her nape hair lifted.

"Question is, which one of us is the target?" The warrior responded softly, then looked intently at the Amazon. "Ephiny, do you trust me?"

Ephiny stared into those compelling eyes for a long moment. Then took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, I do."

"Then don’t move." Xena warned softly. "Not one inch, not one bit." She closed her eyes, and focused every fiber of her being behind her, feeling the tremor as the crossbow was released, sensing the movement of the air as the quarrel headed towards her. Time compressed, as she let trained instinct take over, and dropped to one knee, and whirled, and caught the quarrel as it blazed past her left shoulder then the second as it passed her head. Freezing her muscles into place, turning her head and checking the flight of the arrows, at the target several inches to her rear. At Ephiny’s heart.

For a heartbeat, she held Ephiny’s gaze, then she dropped the quarrels, and stood up, putting her body between the trees and the Amazon. "They’re gone." she said, turning to look at the blond woman. "What’s going on here, Ephiny? Those were aimed at you...aimed by someone who knew I’d not only hear them, but be able to get out of the way."

Ephiny sank down the tree trunk until she was seated on the forest floor, and rested her head in her hands. Xena crouched down next to her, concerned. "Sometimes, you know, Xena.." she finally muttered. "It’s just not worth the trouble." She let her arms rest on her knees, and leaned her head back against the tree. "It had to be Erika. Crossbow is her specialty, and she’s the only one in the area who I can even remotely think has a motive."

Xena’s dark brow creased. "Erika? Why kill you? If they’re out after the queen’s mask, it makes more sense to kill me." She seemed unemotional about this. "After all, if they want to take that away from Gabrielle, they have to go through me to do it."

"True." Ephiny gave her a wan smile. "But what if they can make it look like I went here for a parley, and you killed me?" She almost laughed at the dumbfounded look on Xena’s face. "Bam. We have a situation where Arella can push through almost anything in the way of a challenge, and you wouldn’t be acceptable as a champion, because...well, you’d have killed me. "

Xena let a slow, feral, lazy smile cross her face, sending a chill down Ephiny’s spine. "Ephiny. If anyone threatened her, do you think I’d let Amazon law stand between me and them?" Her eyes bored into the Amazon’s. "Besides, crossbow isn’t my style. I wouldn’t have killed you that way."

Ephiny took a deep breath, and tried humor. "Well, if Gabrielle was here, she’d have said you wouldn’t have killed me. In any way." She swallowed. "By the way, thank you."

Xena rose smoothly to her feet, and reached a hand down to help up the shaken Ephiny. "Anytime." she said, then added. "And.. Gabrielle would have been right. As usual." She grinned at Ephiny. "Thank you. For being concerned about her."

Ephiny glanced down at the ground, then peered off into the forest. "We have a festival coming up, Xena.."

"I know." the warrior chuckled lightly. "I got a written invitation."

"Oh." Ephiny blushed. Then laughed. "I should have known. Will you be there?"

"I’ll be there." Xena replied, giving her a push back towards the village. "It’s Dionysus’s festival. Someone has to protect her innocence from you Amazons."

Ephiny started, and glanced back at Xena in surprise, then snorted in laughter, shaking her head as they made their way back to the inn. Instead of heading for the tavern, though, Xena steered her towards the barn. "Safer, I think, though not nearly so comfortable." she muttered, sliding into the doorway with Ephiny right behind her. Who stopped short at the sight of a boisterous wolf puppy who stumbled furiously across the floor and flung itself on Xena’s booted foot. "Oh, hi Ares." Xena said, absently, moving the animal aside gently and crossing over to the tack table.

‘Ares?" Ephiny said, her voice rising in astonished question. "You must be kidding." She peered at the wolf. "Where in the world..."

"Long story." Xena said, pulling a piece of parchment to her, and sitting down with a quill and an absorbed expression. "If Erika was the person behind that crossbow, just how safe are you going to be on the way home?"

Ephiny seated herself on a convenient lump of hay, and considered. "I’m not sure."

Xena studied her hands. "Well, I may have a solution. A...witness, more or less, for you." She paused thoughtfully. "We have an orphan here...named Cait. Her parents were killed by a roving warlord band." She sat back and regarded Ephiny. "She makes her living hunting small game, and selling it to the locals. She’s good - and she’s only 12 years old."

"That’s young to be alone." Ephiny mused.

"Very." Xena agreed. "She begged me to teach her sword when I got here. I convinced her it probably wasn’t a good idea. But.." She nodded at Ephiny. "she’d make a good Amazon."

"Does she want that?" Ephiny asked, considering. "You know we don’t just adopt people just because they’re orphans, or whatever."

"She wants it." Xena stated, flatly. "She asked me to take her to your village, in fact. I told her I’d think about it... when I went." She leaned forward. "It’s a risk, I know...but she’s tough, and she’s not a complete innocent."

Ephiny nodded. "All right. I’ll take her."

"Good." Xena sighed. "Now, roll up in the hay and get some sleep. I need to write a note."

Ephiny smiled. "Sounds like a good idea. To both." she said, getting a startled response from Xena, and grinning. Then she grabbed a spare horse blanket, and curled up in the soft fodder, asleep in minutes.

Xena watched her a minute, then laughed gently herself. Then concentrated on the parchment in front of her. Oh... this wasn’t going to be easy. Words aren’t my thing. But....let’s see. She wrote,

Dear Gabrielle,

Well, yes, I’m out to conquer the world. Again. And I started here in Amphipolis. On to Potadeia next. I’ll give your regards to your family, since I’m sure they remember me fondly. It was nice to have Ephiny visit, and get word on what was going on there. I did keep from beating up Erika, but you might want to when they get back, because we think she tried to introduce Ephiny to a pair of crossbow quarrels.

Never a dull moment when you’re involved, huh? Mother and Toris send their regards, and Ephiny will be carrying something from mother to you that I think you’ll like very much. I do. The place has been OK with me so far - besides the world domination plan, that is.

Yeah, as a rule I don’t like sappy stuff. But didn’t I once tell you you’re the exception to the rule? I think I remember doing that...besides, I miss you too. I wouldn’t miss your festival for anything - count on me being there.

Hang in there, my bard - keep your head down, and be careful. And you can tell your friend Arella if she lays one finger on you, I’ll scatter parts of her up and down the road to Athens so small they’ll have to use tweezers to pick them up.

I mean it.

X

Well, she thought, artistic it isn’t. But I think it gets the point across. She folded the parchment, dripped wax on it, then paused a moment, thinking. Gabrielle had sealed hers with an Amazon seal, naturally...so I guess I’ll have to drag this thing out. She walked over to Argo’s saddlebags, and dug around, until she came up with a small pouch, from which she extracted a signet ring. Hers. From the bad old days, when sigils marked with this insignia struck terror across the countryside. She looked at it thoughtfully, then crossed back over to the table, and pressed the signet into the warm wax. About time that sealed something that...she left the thought unfinished, and blew out the candle, grabbing Ares, and climbing to the loft.

She stretched out, floating in a pleasant tiredness that made the loft seem like a feather stuffed mattress. Thinking. This time not wanting or needing sleep to take that away.

Erika was sullen the next morning, Ephiny noted with a grim smile. The dark haired Amazon ate in silence the excellent and large breakfast provided them by Toris and avoided meeting Ephiny’s eyes. Ah... she’s very young. Ephiny considered, though not by any means ready to use that as an excuse for murder. So’s Arella. Maybe that’s part of the problem...She darted a glance across the room to where Xena was seated, forearms braced on booted knees, talking softly to a very young girl seated across from her. Taller than average, pale, pale blond and very slim - the girl had a short bow slung over her shoulder, and a quiver depended from her wide belt. A traveling pack slumped bonelessly at her feet as she listened intently to the warrior.

"Cait, you know you don’t have to go if you don’t want to." Xena said, quietly. "You can stay here, mother said there would be a place for you in our.." here she smiled a little. "home, if you want that."

Cait regarded her solemnly with her almost colorless gray eyes. "I want to go. I...there’s things I want, that I can’t find here." She let a half grin cross her face. "I think you understand."

Xena nodded. She did. And what she hadn’t told Ephiny was that after her parents were killed in the raid, this little girl slipped into the enemy camp, and slit the throat of the raid leader. A dangerous girl, was Cait. One whom she had a rather unique understanding of.

"All right. Ephiny will take you to Amazon country, and get you fostered. She’s OK, you can trust her. " She lowered her voice. "But the other one isn’t. We think she tried to shoot Ephiny last night."

"She did." Cait answered carefully. "I saw her, and followed her out when it looked like she was headed to your usual spot."

Xena gave her a grin, knowing for a while that she had a silent watcher. "And have you been enjoying the show?" she asked, a wry note in her voice.

Cait grinned, unashamed. She’d been very annoyed with Xena when the warrior had refused to teach her sword work, but over the weeks, she’d developed at first a liking, then a true and enthusiastic appreciation for her. For the one person she felt she could talk openly to. The one person she had met in all her short life who understood exactly where she was coming from. "Last night’s was the best ever." she breathed, eyes lighting. "It was like...magic."

Xena looked at her, bemused. "Yeah, it was a pretty nice workout." she drawled. "I was in a really good mood."

"I could tell." Cait answered softly.

"You could, huh?" Xena replied, grinning. She straightened up. "There’s something I’d like you to do for me."

Cait nodded. "I’ll try."

Xena picked up two items and slid them across the table. The first, a sealed parchment packet, she handed to Cait. "This, I want you to give to the Amazon Queen. That’s Gabrielle. Do you remember her?"

Cait nodded vigorously. "Oh yes. Your friend, with the red gold hair. The storyteller."

"Yeah, that’s her." Xena let a grin flit across her otherwise serious face. "Just hand it to her - she’ll recognize the seal. " she held the other item, turning it over in her hands. "This, I need you to carry, and give to her also. Can you do that?" She handed over the item to Cait, who took it cautiously, and examined it. A cunningly wrought knife, cast in the same mold as her long sword, with a seal embedded in the hilt. A seal that matched the parchment wax. Cait drew it gently from the leather sheath, and examined the razor blade, and the twin engraved channels down either side. She looked up at Xena, with a knowledge past her 12 years, then looked back at the blade and slid it back home.

"I can do that." the girl said, with quiet finality.

Xena nodded, and touched her hand, lowering her voice. "I want you to keep an eye on Ephiny, Cait. It’s important that she gets home." her blue eyes bored into the gray ones.

Cait kept her gaze, but brought the blade up to her lips, and pressed it there. "I will." she breathed, as two feral souls exchanged an understanding. "I promise."

"OK, so when you see her," Xena added, sparing a glance to the waiting Amazons. "Give that knife to Gabrielle. Tell her it’s from me. For...emergencies. And give her one more thing for me."

Cait stood, knowing it was time to leave. "What’s that?"

"Come here." Xena said, and as the girl moved closer, she reached out and pulled her into a hug, which, after a stunned moment, Cait returned with vigor. "Just like that." Xena said, releasing her. "OK?"

Cait grinned. "I think she’s going to like that better than the knife." She said, wisely.

Xena chuckled. "Oh, I think you’re right. But give it to her anyway." The knife.. that was still revolving in her mind as to whether or not it was a good idea. Not that she expected Gabrielle to use it, no... how the bard felt about drawing blood was something Xena was passionately aware of. No.. but the arrow incident had left her anxious about her safety, and had almost driven her to throw caution and everything else to the winds and just.. go.. herself to the Amazon Village. In fact, standing in the wind in front of the barn at dawn, she had felt a sudden urgent pull in that direction and had actually taken several steps before she caught herself, and stopped. No, Gabrielle wouldn’t use the dagger.

But she was wise enough to know that wearing it on her belt just might, might give a potential threat pause. And...the seal made sure everyone who saw it knew exactly who stood behind the beleaguered Amazon Queen. I could just go...but she said she needed a little more time...and by Ephiny’s analysis, any challenge is still in the planning stages. I don’t want to mess things up for her, but I sure don’t want her getting hurt, either. Or worse. A little more time, my bard? All right, but not much more. I don’t think I’m going to wait until that festival to pay you a little visit. she grimly decided. Not... mind mocked her gently. like you need an excuse, right?

"Oh wait... almost forgot." Xena muttered, with a quickly suppressed grin. "I’ll be right back." She disappeared into the kitchen, and quickly found Cyrene, who was standing over a mildly bubbling pot. She looked up when she heard her daughter’s distinctive footsteps.

"Good morning, dear." she smiled up at her.

"Hi." Xena replied, leaning against a wooden support. "I don’t suppose you have any of those cakes around, do you?"

Cyrene laughed. "I think I have an new addict." she teased, "all part of my plan to keep you here."

Xena smiled fondly at her. "Not for me. For a friend."

"Oh, sure." Cyrene snorted, then paused and looked up. "Ah... wait!. For Gabrielle?" She watched her daughter’s face with a twinkle in her eyes. The grin on Xena’s face answered her. "Well, in that case, I’ll pack some up for you."

"In that case?" Xena queried, raising an eyebrow.

Cyrene reached up and caught her chin, and chuckled. "Well, she’s part of the family, now, isn’t she?"

Oh. Xena felt the blush creep all the way up her neck to her cheeks. No point in lying. Not to her, anyway. "Yeah, I guess she is." Came the quiet answer, with a light chuckle following.

Her mother smiled, and patted her on the belly. "Love becomes you, my dear. " She went behind a storage case, and pulled out some wrapping, giving Xena time to compose herself, then reemerged with a neatly wrapped bundle. "Here you go."

"Thanks" the warrior replied, with a little grin. "I know they’ll be appreciated."

Cyrene waved her off. "Away with you. I have stew to attend to." She waited until she heard the door close, then chuckled to herself. If someone had told me this was going to happen a month ago, I would have chased them out the front door with a broom. Now look - business is stronger than it’s ever been, and the village is...renewed, with a self confidence that came straight from her. I think she’s finally paid off that debt. At least to me she has. I think I love her, again. No, I know I do.

"All right." Xena said, walking back to the table and guiding Cait over to the Amazons. "Everyone ready?" Cait smiled shyly at the two women, having already tucked the blade away and out of sight. "This is Cait, and she wants to go with you. Cait, this is Ephiny and Erika, and they’re Amazons." She handed Ephiny a packet, with a grin. "Give that to her majesty, please. With my mother’s compliments."

"Hello, Cait." Ephiny smiled warmly. "You all packed?" Erika just nodded at the girl.

"All ready." Cait said, hefting her pack.

Ephiny patted the girl on the shoulder, and guided her towards the door. She turned as she opened it, and glanced back towards Xena, who was standing, arms crossed, watching. "Take care." She called, with a nod.

"Be seeing you." Xena replied, raising an eyebrow, and giving her a ghost of a wink. Seeing relief follow comprehension across the blond Amazon’s face.

Amazon Village - Evening, two days after...

Gabrielle put her head in her hands, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself. The scene in the council chamber today had scared her more than she was willing to admit, though she had held her ground, and won the point. Again. But how much longer could she keep on doing this? First, the rumors of centaur invasion in their territory. Proved wrong. Then word came that there were brigands from the neighboring village raiding the fields. Again, proved wrong. Each time, peace prevailed. Calm prevailed. The other morning, she thought sure Arella was going to call challenge on her, right there at the breakfast hall. The pang of pure unreasoning fear had been difficult to deal with. But she had. Now, word came that Ephiny was inbound, with Erika in tow, and an unknown young girl.

"Gabrielle?" Came Granella’s soft voice at the door. She looked up, to see the slim Amazon looking at her in some concern. "Ephiny’s at the gate. Thought you’d want to know."

"Thanks." the bard said, taking a deep breath, and pushing herself up from the desk. Crossing the room, she paused in the doorway, spotting the blond immediately, and watching as Erika stalked off towards Arella’s encampment with a very dour look. She cheered up, realizing that meant only one thing, not that she’d had any doubt. Ephiny caught her gaze, and moved in her direction, motioning for the third member of their party to join her. Who on earth...the bard mused. She seemed vaguely familiar, but Gabrielle couldn’t remember from where for a minute.. though her memory cleared as they drew close and she did recall. Huh…

"Gabrielle!" Ephiny called out, looking tired, but relieved. "You were right on." Her lips curved in a smile, matched by the one on the queen’s face. "and I have a signed treaty for you from the conqueror of the world."

Gabrielle moved towards them, feeling some of the tension drain out of her. "I bet she rolled her eyes when she saw it." the bard laughed, then gazed at the young girl. "Hello, Cait.. long time no see."

The girl’s eyes lit at being remembered, and she gave Gabrielle a shy grin. Gabrielle grinned back, and ushered both of them inside her quarters. She’s gotten taller, but still looks like a ghost.

"It seems Cait here wants to be a part of our extended family, Gabrielle." Ephiny drawled. "Xena recommended her."

"Well, that recommendation’s good enough for me." The queen replied, winking at Cait.

"I have some things for you." Cait replied, moving forward a little.

"Do you?" Gabrielle asked, a bit puzzled. "Like what?"

She held out the parchment first. "This."

Gabrielle took it, glancing at the seal, then smiled easily. "I can see who this came from." she laughed. A warm glow started in the pit of her stomach.

Cait smiled too. "Yeah, And this...she said to say it was in case of emergencies." the girl tugged a long item out of her pack, and handed it over solemnly.

The bard slowly reached out and took it, running her eyes over it, and gently touching the seal in the hilts. Her eyes darted to Ephiny, taking in the exhausted rings under the blond Amazon’s eyes, and the troubled gaze. "Thank you." For emergencies...what could have happened that had gotten Xena shook up enough to send this?

Cait waited. "One more thing." She intoned, softly.

Gabrielle dragged her attention back to the girl. "OK, what is it?" she asked, forcing a patient, cheerful note into her voice.

"This." And the girl stepped forward, and hugged the startled bard, trying to squeeze as hard as she could. As hard as she knew that warrior back there wanted to. Because this friend of hers really seemed to need it.

Gabrielle took a long shuddering breath, and hugged the girl back. "Thank you, Cait." she said, as she released the girl, ruffling her hair. "That was the best thing."

Cait let a half grin onto her face. "I told her you’d think so." she said.

"All right, Cait, let’s get you settled." Ephiny sighed, glancing back at the doorway, relieved to see Granella waiting there. "Gran, can you..."

"Sure." The scout laid a gentle hand on Cait’s shoulder. "Come on, Cait...I bet you’re hungry." She exchanged nods with Ephiny, and led the girl out.

Gabrielle watched them leave, then turned to Ephiny and pulled her arm. "Sit down before you fall down. What’s going on?" she asked, crisply, perching on the edge of the desk. "What happened that caused me to get this.." She lifted the knife. "From my generally level headed, though overprotective best friend?"

Ephiny told her. "So, we think, and now Cait confirms, that Erika was trying to set it up so that Xena couldn’t champion you. I was just a convenient...excuse." She gave the queen a sardonic look. "However, your champion was quick to point out to me that Amazon law wasn’t going to apply to her if anyone messed with her Gabrielle." The Amazon grinned privately at the quick blush that passed over Gabrielle’s fair features. "And, by the way, she sends this." She handed Gabrielle the wrapped package. "Said it was with her mother’s compliments."

Gabrielle took the bundle curiously, and unwrapped it, an unexpected grin appearing on her face. "She does know me." she said, laughing softly, as she exposed the pastry. The smell was wonderful, and she immediately taste tested, eyebrows rising in appreciation. "Oh wow.. these are great!" She offered one to Ephiny, who suppressed a smile and accepted, munching thoughtfully. "So.. how are things there?" the bard asked, casually.

Ephiny gave her a knowing grin. "Fine, I think - she’s won over Amphipolis, by the way. And... oh yeah, she’s somehow found this wolf puppy that follows her around all over the place."

Gabrielle giggled. "A puppy??? What I wouldn’t give to see that." Oh.. how true that is. Like right now.

"Yeah, she wouldn’t tell me the story behind it, but he’s a cute little thing. She calls him Ares." The Amazon drawled, watching the queen’s attitude lighten considerably. "And I got up during the night last night to rearrange my straw mattress, and caught her sleeping with him tucked into the crook of her arm, all snuggled up. It was unbelievably precious. If you tell her I saw it, though, she’ll probably kill us both." The delighted grin on Gabrielle’s face was worth the danger.

"Not a word, I promise." the queen giggled. "She hates it when people get under that coldhearted warrior act of hers."

"Except for you." The words were out before Ephiny could stop them, and she held her breath, waiting to be told off.

Gabrielle looked at her for a minute, then grinned, and shrugged a bit. "Except for me." She agreed cheerfully. "But that took a lot of time and effort." she paused. "Not that I minded."

Ephiny chuckled. "I bet." she continued with her report. "And although she’s got a couple of brand new scars on her arms that look a lot like panther marks which she also wouldn’t explain, otherwise she looks really good. I think this little time with her family has been a good thing for her." She watched the queen absorb this like a sponge.

Gabrielle nodded. "Thanks.. it’s good to hear that. Not that I was worried...you know Xena. She’ll find a way out of almost any situation."

Ephiny grinned agreement. "That’s true. She’s pretty unique."

The bard grinned in agreement. "Among other things." She picked up the parchment packet and broke the seal, scanning the contents curiously. Then she read it again, and this time a slow smile crossed her face. The treaty had been amended in a few pretty funny places, and added an addendum about protecting Potedeia for an extra few dinars. And the sign off... written in a dialect the warrior knew darn well only she’d be able to read. And she said she didn’t like sappy stuff. She traced the words with a fingertip. A giggle, inappropriate to the seriousness of the situation, forced itself to the surface. "Sorry. She’s pretty funny here." She glanced up at Ephiny, who was watching her face with an air of weary amusement. Then on to the second parchment, which made her burst out laughing. "Oh.. that’s good." She read the last paragraph to Ephiny, who found the strength to chuckle as well. "I wish.."

Ephiny looked up when the bard’s voice fell silent. The queen was turning the parchment over in her hands. "Gabrielle.." she said, hesitantly.

"Yeah." The green eyes looked up and blinked. "Anyway, I’m glad you made it back safely." She managed a reassuring smile. "Why don’t you go get some sleep - you look pretty wiped out."

The Amazon heaved herself to her feet. "I am." She sighed, "Hard sleeping with one eye open, although.." she mused "I noticed little Cait keeping a pretty tight eye on me. " She gave the bard a sly grin. "I think a certain overprotective friend of yours might have given her some private instructions."

Gabrielle considered this a moment, then laughed softly. "Xena doesn’t like leaving things to chance." And I wish I had her overprotective arms around me right now. "So I wouldn’t be surprised."

"G’night’ Ephiny sighed, and gave her a little wave. "And try to get some sleep yourself, OK?" She gave her a mock glare, and left, shaking her head.

"Yeah, sure." The bard muttered, sitting down on the bed and looking down at the parchment still clutched in one hand. She read it through a few times, lips twitching as she imagined the words, complete with intonation, coming from Xena. Especially that last bit, because she could hear in her mind the deliberate drop in pitch, and the faint growling tone that would go with it. Two weeks until the full moon. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

She lay down flat on the bed, and stared moodily at the ceiling. I’m tired. I’m really tired, and really exasperated, and I just want to...gods. She closed her eyes, and focused every bit of that wanting on it’s subject, putting all her energy into the sending. Xena... I know you can’t hear me. I know only the dead can hear our thoughts. But I don’t know what else to do, so I’m going to pretend that you can. Please. I need you.

Then fitfully, she dropped into sleep, waking only when the worst of her dreams, the old familiar nightmare of Xena dying, taking half her soul with her and leaving emptiness behind grabbed her, and tossed her up into a waking world, where the past and the present melded and left her not knowing if it was a dream. She sat bolt upright, heart pounding, taking in her surroundings with a sinking heart. Until a rustle of parchment made her look down at the sheet clenched in her fist. Until her eyes took in the words and made her remember that this was now, and Xena was very much alive, and she was here to help straighten out the Amazons, not because she had no better option.

"Oh gods." She said aloud, waiting for her heartbeat to settle down. Ok...ok.. deep breaths…C’mon, Gabrielle, it was just a dream, you’re not a kid anymore. Shuddering, she got up, and walked over to the pitcher on her desk, pouring a glassful of water and drinking it in long gulps. Then carefully, precisely, she set the glass down, sank into the chair, and put her head in her hands. Oh well.. almost dawn anyway. Her brain mused foggily. Guess a cold dunk in the water couldn’t do any harm.

Amphipolis - Same evening...

"Xena." Cyrene called, softly, then reached out and touched her daughter’s hand. The warrior had stopped in the middle of chewing, and was sitting silent, with an absorbed expression on her face.

"Hmm?" Xena started, shaking her head a little to clear it. "Uh, sorry." She put down her fork and sat back a minute, taking a deep breath. What was that??? Gods... I think there’s something really wrong with me. I’ve been doing this all night.

Cyrene leaned closer to her. "What’s up with you?" she whispered, concern now audible in her voice. "that’s the second time tonight you’ve just gone out on me."

"I...don’t know." Xena admitted, shaking her head slowly. "I just keep getting the feeling that something’s wrong somewhere."

"Is it Gabrielle?" Cyrene asked, rubbing her thumb against the back of Xena’s hand.

The warrior didn’t even bother to try and dissemble. "I don’t know." she answered, staring ahead, to where Toris was moving back towards the table with another glass of ale.

Toris saw the look on her face when he approached, and quickly settled back at her side. "What is it?" He flicked a quick glance at Cyrene, who gave him a little shrug. "What’s wrong?"

"Listen, I think I’m just tired." The warrior said, pushing back from the table, and standing. "I’m going to go relax for a while." She gripped her mother’s shoulder, and gave Toris’ head a pat. "Have fun." She left the tavern, and walked out into the cool night air, which was heavy with the thick smell of rain. Far off, she heard the rumble of thunder, the quick flash of lightning on the horizon.

A deep breath did nothing to dispel the sense of panic she’d been feeling for the last few hours, a feeling without obvious cause, but which was as real as any she’d ever felt. Was it Gabrielle? Admitting that meant admitting that Jessan was, in all probability, right, and they shared a connection that she wasn’t sure she understood. Or was this just her own imagination, working over the incident with Erika and Ephiny’s unease?

Funny... I’ve always trusted my instincts before. She mused silently, leaning on the hitch rail in front of the tavern. She heard the door open behind her, and turned as Cyrene came up beside her, and also leaned against the rail.

"Still worried?" Cyrene asked, glancing up at her. Not really needing to ask. Feeling the tension almost radiating from the tall form next to her.

"I can’t shake this." The warrior answered, staring pensively into the darkness. "It’s twisting my gut up into knots." She shook her head as if to clear it. "It’s nothing solid, just...this sinking feeling. "

Cyrene bit her lip a minute, then put a hand on the arm next to hers. "Xena... sometimes our minds, and our hearts try to tell us things that we’re not really ready to listen to. " She met the startled gaze evenly. "And I think you should listen."

Xena turned her gaze back out into the night. "I know that." She finally answered, in a low voice. "I’m just not sure if it’s telling me something I need to know, or something I just want to hear." She shook her head, and stood up. "But I don’t think I can risk not finding out."

Cyrene smiled. "You’re going."

"Yeah." Came the answer, as the warrior stood and turned towards the dimly seen barn.

"Be careful." Her mother warned, reaching out and giving her a quick hug.

Xena nodded. "I will." And moved purposefully down the path, and through the door, shutting it behind her. Now that the decision was made, her movements turned deliberate and decisive. Shucking her tunic, she traded linen for leather, and buckled the shoulder straps with smooth precision. Lifting her shoulder armor, she ducked her head into it, settling the plates with a soft chime of metal on metal, clipping the retaining buckles into place with a satisfying snick.

She walked over to Argo, flipping a saddle blanket over her shoulders as she raised her head, already restive, knowing that arming for what it was. Cinching the blanket, then lifting her saddle off the stall divider, and settling on the horse’s back, tightening the girth with one smooth practiced tug. Sliding the bridle over her head, tucking her ears under the headstall and pushing her forelock through the strapping. Buckling the chin strap and easing the bit into her mouth. "Easy girl" She murmured. "Come on." Kicking the door open. "Back, now." Moving out of the way as Argo obediently backed out of the stall, and followed her towards the door.

Xena grabbed her bracers, and sat down briefly to buckle on her leg armor, stamping both booted feet to settle the protective grieves. She looked up as the door opened, and her mother poked her head in. "Just about ready." she said, standing up and reaching behind her to clip her sword sheath into it’s buckles, and settling the chakram at her waist.

"So I see." Cyrene breathed. "You look a lot...bigger... when you wear all that." She said, moving inside the barn, and reaching out one hand to touch the gleaming armor plates.

Xena looked down at her, with an affectionately amused grin. "Like I’m not big enough already." she remarked. "Looks like I’m going to get wet tonight, on top of everything else." A supply bag went across the mare’s withers, buckled to one of the extra saddle rings.

"Here." Cyrene said, handing her a packet. "I doubt you’ll have a chance to stop and eat."

Xena laughed. "Mother." she said, but took the packet, and gave her a quick hug. "Thanks. Wish me luck."

"Good luck." Cyrene said, obediently. "And do me a favor?"

Xena glanced at her, raising an eyebrow. "If I can, sure."

"Bring Gabrielle back here with you." Cyrene said, laying a hand on her arm. "I want to get to know her."

The warrior took a deep breath, then released it. "All right." Smart, Xena -you get the two of them together, and you’re dead. Oh well. "I will." she promised, and lead Argo out the door, mounting in one smooth movement, and turning her head to the road.

Amazon village, that same night...

Erika strode impatiently into Arella’s quarters, startling the tall redhead. "No go." the dark haired woman spat. "And let me tell you something, you’d better think twice about that challenge."

Arella, looked up from the map she was studying, and cocked her head. "First off, welcome home." She said, walking over and giving the smaller woman a hug. "Second, it was worth a try, don’t feel bad." She smiled. "I made some progress here, though damn, that woman is tough." Her brow creased. "Now, what’s this about the challenge?"

Erika sat down with a thump, resting her forearms on her knees. "What a week in Hades. The way out there was nerve-wracking. That Ephiny and her damned eyes. Then we get there, and sure enough, our little queen is right. As you suspected." she sighed wearily. Arella walked over to her small table, and poured a tall glass of crimson liquid into a glass, and handed it to Erika, crouching down next to her, and patting her knee.

"Thanks." she accepted the glass, and took a sip. "OH.. that’s good." She rested her head on the glass for a moment. "So, anyway - I spotted Xena taking off into the forest late that night. I followed...wanted to know what she was up to. And my gods...Arella, what I saw wasn’t human. She shouldn’t have been able to do the things I saw her do."

Arella tired of crouching, and sat down in front of Erika cross legged. "What do you mean?" She propped her chin on her hand. "I don’t understand."

Erika shook her dark head. "She did... I don’t know, sword drills, I guess. But she did them so fast I couldn’t make out the blade, Ari. And then she started doing them while doing flips, and in the air maneuvers...she would just...Look, just don’t, OK? I know you’re really good, Ari, really good - but this wasn’t just good. It was something beyond."

Arella chewed on her lip thoughtfully. "I could challenge now...she won’t be able to get here in time."

"Won’t work, you know that. She’s a named champion. They’ll make you wait." Erika replied, flicking a lock of hair out of Arella’s eyes.

Arella sighed. "Well, then we have to prevent her from getting here at all." She glanced up at Erika’s startled face. "Listen, I tried and tried to get through to our so called queen. She’s absolutely determined to follow her course of running us into the ground. Every turn I make she counters. Every rumor I stew up she squashes. I swear, the woman is..." She shook her head. "Anyway, she concluded a treaty with both of the northern villages, and that tears it. They’ve started putting homesteads in the northern woods." She gripped her temples. "I don’t understand why I can’t make her see what she’s doing to us. She doesn’t understand what we are, Rika. She thinks we’re farmers, or something . After her living with Xena for two years, you’d think she’d get a clue as to what makes a warrior. I guess not. Maybe she thinks she can change Xena like that too."

Erika gently massaged the burly shoulder next to her. "I know. But let me tell you, that fire runs very deep - she doesn’t know what she’s playing with there. " She grinned wryly. "Anyway, so I wait until Xena’s finished with this impossible display of technical talent, and then I realize Ephiny’s followed her out there too. A perfect opportunity I think...so I get behind them. They’re talking, see.." she wove the tale, aware of Arella’s appreciative eyes. "Because Xena heard her too, though gods know Ephiny’s not a bad tracker, and got behind her. Startled her, too, it was kind of funny to watch. So they’re talking, and I get my crossbow cocked, and then I realize Xena heard that. I swear, that woman has the ears of a wolf, Ari, my crossbow mech is quieter than two blades of grass rubbing, you know that. So I see her go real still... and I figure, well, you were right - if the stories are true, she can dodge my quarrels. So I shoot. And, damned if she doesn’t move out of the way."

Arella leaned forward. "You missed???? I don’t believe it.!"

"No!" Erika threw up her hands in disgust. "the damned woman catches the damned crossbow quarrels! Out of mid air! And believe me, I had to take a minute to drag my jaw back into place before I took off out of there." She took a long sip of the wine. "Ari, she scares me." She looked into Arella’s eyes. "She really does. I got to have dinner with her, and I couldn’t look her in the eyes for more than a second. She’s so intense."

Arella looked thoughtful. "As long as she’s alive, we’re trapped, Rika. She looked grim. "As long as she’s Gabrielle’s champion, then it’s Gabrielle’s rules we live by. I can’t live with that. I’m no farmer, and as a people, we’ll die without the need for fighting. You know that. We’ll become just another group of villagers. Do you want that? I don’t. I can’t live with it. I have the taste of battle on my tongue... and I can’t give that up. So I guess I have to put my body where my beliefs are. She glanced at the floor. "Is she coming here?"

"I think so." Erika said. "I think Gabrielle asked her to, in that note Ephiny was carrying." She grimaced. "And, Ari...whatever else...there’s something between them. Xena’s a hard read at the best of times, but even she couldn’t keep from reacting to whatever was in that note."

Arella nodded. "Then we have to stop her. At the mountain pass. If we put enough of us there, we can catch her off guard, and I don’t care if she’s Ares himself, she won’t be able to fight off all of us." She looked up, and into Erika’s eyes. "This is my own destiny, Rika. And if I have to take on Xena, then that’s what I have to do. Our heritage is too important to lose."

Slowly, Erika nodded. "All right. I’m with you. We all are - none of us wants to be dirt grubbers for the rest of our lives. And I don’t want any daughters I have growing up like that either."

"I’ll gather us up." Arella said, stroking her cheek. "You get some sleep. You look like Hades." She walked to the door, thinking An ambush...that would work. And she’d stir up some trouble with the damned centaurs to keep everyone’s attention of what was going on in the pass. If she knew Gabrielle, and she was beginning to think she did, the woman would jump to the centaurs defense. And maybe, just maybe, she could use that betrayal of Amazon interests to drive a final wedge between the stubborn queen and her people. I feel...sorry for her. she mused, staring off into the darkness of the forest. Because she doesn’t understand just how strong this need of ours is...she has no experience with it. How does Xena put up with that, I wonder? It’s kind of sad...little Gabrielle with her morals - determined to reform the old warlord. Silly...doesn’t she see she has no chance? I guess not... because she’s sure trying it with us. Well, little Gabrielle, I’m afraid you’re not going to have your chance at reforming your friend, because I can’t let her live. She’s too dangerous to us. Pity... because she’d make one damned fine ally. Better than you, at any rate.

Somewhere between Amphipolis and Amazon country, later that night...

The only sound in the air was Argo’s steady hoofbeats, at a ground eating canter that almost lulled her rider into a half sleep. Xena’s mind was racing, though, and the steady sense of unease in her gut kept her triggered. Jessan’s words kept echoing in her head, keeping her company the weary miles before the mountains. Gods... what if he’s right...the thought gnawed at her. Admit it. He is. He can see what’s going on, but you can feel it, you know you can. You have for a long, long time now. You always know when she’s in trouble. She reached down and took a long pull from the waterskin, then set it back into place. What if I’m too late? The thought struck terror in her gut. Damn... it’s too far. I should have gone that night. I knew I should have. I waited because she said she needed more time...but my gut was telling me to go. I should have listened. Now...she closed her eyes and gripped Argo’s mane for support, hearing a snort from the running mare. if... something happens to her because I was stupid and didn’t listen to my own long, long tested instincts...I won’t survive it. I can feel that, lurking in my gut, too. I had one taste of it, back in that healing temple. She’s stronger than I am, that way. I wonder if she realizes that? She would have recovered after I died, would have gone on, continued her life. I won’t.

The miles slipped by, until she came to the road turning that curved around the mountains, and pulled Argo up, resting the sweating mare, and thinking hard. The road lead around the long way, but to go over the mountains was lunacy. She thought about the crags above her, and then about the price. "Come on, Argo. You’ll go with me as long as you can." she whispered to the mare, and turned her off the road.

They moved through the shadows of the trees, following her sense of direction, passing silent cots deep in the forest, past sleeping beasts startled by Argo’s hooves, and sensing the quiet hunters which, perhaps deferring to their scent, slunk out of their path.

Two streams, forded with ease, and a river, which Argo swam in snorting protest, and Xena waded, and then they were in scrublands, where she had to watch Argo’s footfalls. Dawn caught them as they crossed another river, and Xena paused to rest the lathered mare. "I know, girl. I know. This is rough." she murmured into a flicking ear. She rinsed off a square of linen, and wiped the lather off Argo’s flanks, letting her graze for a short while, and breaking into her mother’s packet.

Off again, this time trotting across rising grasslands, as the mountains which separated Amazon country came into view. The weather was worsening, dark clouds piling across the peaks of the mountains, and the wind, which had been blowing steadily since the dawn changing fitfully every short while, and causing the mare to fidget. "Easy, Argo. I see em" She kneed the mare forward, wanting to get to a place of safety, since Argo, at least, would not travel in the kind of storm that was fast developing. But I will.The anxious feeling in her gut had gotten worse, building with every mile she moved towards the mountains. That, more than anything else, sparked her to keep traveling with an urgency that would not be denied.

At last, she crossed the last of the grass, and the long rolling foothills, and the mountain loomed over her. The thunder was getting louder and closer, and Argo was getting nervous, her ears plastered back on her head, and her nostrils flared. "Come on, just a little further." Xena coaxed her, feeling the first drops of rain touching her back. They rode around a tall crag, and Xena pulled the mare up short, her heart sinking. So. Here was why everyone used the road. Ahead of her was a sheer escarpment, running off into the distance, as far as her eyes could follow it. No path up, no path around. "Damn." That single word echoed off the rocks, mocking her.

She rode Argo to the foot of the escarpment, and glared at it. To double back now meant a days lost traveling time. At the top of the escarpment, she remembered, the road itself looped lazily, bringing itself through the high pass, and down into Amazon territory.

Xena swung down off the mare, and walked to the edge of the cliff, staring up. Most of the surface was sheer and unbroken, without hand or footholds. I can’t climb this. Her eyes studied it, and balanced it against the aching pull in her guts. Or am I stubborn and stupid enough to try? In the rain? In the coming dark? She closed her eyes, and tentatively explored the nerve wracked fear assaulting her...fear, she realized, with a sudden startling clarity, that truly wasn’t her own. That had a familiar flavor, that woke images in her mind of the short time she had spent in control of Gabrielle’s body. When she fought Velasca. Oh gods... she glanced up. "Yeah, I am that stupid."

She looked around, spotting a protected rock outcropping, and led the mare over to it. "Sorry to do this to you, Argo... but I have no choice." She stripped the mare of her tack, and tucked it neatly away under the outcropping. Then she took what essentials she needed from the saddlebags, and using one as a backpack, settled them on her own shoulders. Lastly, she grasped the mare’s face in her hands, and looked her in the eye, letting her lips brush the downy soft skin of her nose. "Be good, Argo. And if I do something really dumb up there, and don’t come back, well... take care of yourself, all right?." The mare whickered, nuzzling her. "Yeah, I love you too." she said softly, hugging her neck.

She walked to the wall, took several deep breaths, rubbed her hands on her leathers, and started looking for a place to climb.

Amazon village, next morning.

Ephiny rolled over, blinking blearily into the sunlight pouring into her quarters. Cursing, she sat bolt upright, and started scrambling out of her bed, rattled at having slept so late.

"Ah..ah..ah.." Solari said, wagging a finger at her. "Queen’s orders. You sleep." She pushed Ephiny back into her bed with one strong hand. "And I’m not going to argue with her. She’s in some kind of mood this morning."

Ephiny sighed and let her head drop, stifling a yawn. "OK... OK...." She smiled. "Is everything all right??"

Solari waggled her hand. "All’s quiet so far today. Arella’s sent a big bunch of her lot out on an extended hunting expedition, so that’s a good thing. At least we won’t have them underfoot." She gave Ephiny a sly grin. "And it looks like rain, so I wish the best to them."

Ephiny grunted in amusement, letting her body relax back onto the bed. "That’s good." she said idly. "Maybe we’ll have a quiet day for a change. A rumble of distant thunder vibrated in her ears. "On second thought, maybe not."

"That’s coming in over the mountain." Solari commented, I feel sorry for anyone caught out in it. The wind’s picking up something fierce." She watched as Ephiny let her eyes close again. "That’s better." she chuckled, as she left the hut, and walked towards the dining hall, feeling the wind whip her hair in what seemed like two directions at once. "Oh yeah.." she muttered to no one in particular. "this is going to be evil."

"What is??" Granella asked, falling into step next to her. "Oh, the weather?" she shrugged. "Good day for sleeping in." With a sly poke at Solari. "Which is where Eph is, I assume?"

"At my orders." Came Gabrielle’s voice behind them. They turned to see the queen moving up the path, a somewhat grim look on her face. "Good morning, by the way." she added, with a friendlier look. They continued on to the dining hall, where most of the village was already seated. Gabrielle went up to take her usual place at the head table.

"Gods, she looks twitchy today." Solari muttered in an undertone to Granella. "I wonder what’s up?"

The bard sat down, surveying the room. Noticing the missing Amazons, and mentally counting. Twenty people for a hunting party? Her brow creased. If they were successful, they’d have enough game to last weeks. Maybe that was Arella’s idea...or maybe she thought her bunch were getting a little slap happy, and she though this was a good way to diffuse tension. Gabrielle liked that idea, and it even made her feel a little better about her chief nemesis. A little. But not much, because sure enough, here she came for her usual morning debate.

"Good morning, my queen." Arella greeted her, raising an eyebrow at the chair next to the bard, and receiving a little wave of her hand towards it. "Thanks." She seated herself, and murmured to the Amazon who came over with a pitcher of herbal tea. "Wind’s rising" She commented to Gabrielle.

"That’s true." The bard answered, trying to concentrate on her porridge. She had a sudden overwhelming wave of nostalgia for one of Xena’s odds and ends breakfasts, which, though unpredictable, were always tastier than this. "Is the hunting party going to be all right out in this weather?" More for something to say than because she was really curious.

"Sure" Arella reassured her. "There are boltholes throughout the hunting territory where they can take shelter." She took a bowl of the porridge from a server, and liberally poured honey into it. "Have you tried this in your breakfast?" she inquired, holding out the jar with a friendly grin. She knew by now that Gabrielle was not a morning person, and it was the best time to annoy her. In a nice sort of way.

The bard looked up, and grimaced. "Arella, I’ve tried every possible thing in this stuff, and it still tastes like ground up leather bits." She gave her a glance. "But thanks for asking." She took a long sip of tea to wash down the stuff, and gazed across the room. "Did we really need 20 people for a hunting party though?" She flashed a quick glance at Arella’s face, seeing the eyes go wary.

Well, well...so green eyes is more observant than I thought. "Well, we’re going after big game this time " And isn’t that the truth? I’m going to enjoy presenting the fruit of our hunt to you, my queen. "And the more people you send out when you do that, the safer they are." There, argue with that, storyteller.

Gabrielle cocked her head, and regarded her, those damnable eyes picking up her slightest reactions. "OK, if you say so." she answered, mildly. What is she up to now? A growing sense of unease made the thought of any more porridge unfeasible. "Well, that’s enough for me." she said in a normal voice, and pushed back her chair to stand up.

Arella stood up with her, and gave a nod of her head. "Careful of the weather, my queen - there’s a bad storm brewing... you don’t want to get caught out in it." Now, what made me say that? Do I still have a sneaking liking for this woman? I think I might. Pity.

Gabrielle leaned forward, and caught her gaze, surprising the redhead. The green eyes seemed especially intense, as she leaned even closer, and refused to release her for a very long moment. Then.. "Thanks for your concern, Arella. But storms and I are old acquaintances. It takes more than that to scare me off." And then she did a scary thing. For no reason that Arella could see, the queen smiled right into her eyes. Then she backed off, and left the table, and only then did Arella notice the new addition to the queen’s garb. A leather sheath, well worn, holding a finely crafted dagger, whose hilts were knicked by a dozen deflected sword strokes, and marked by a round distinctive seal

So. Arella thought, watching the queen stride out of the dining hall. So...she dons steel at last. And just where did she get that lovely, lovely piece of work? That’s no showpiece. That’s a killing blade, if I’ve ever seen one. Huh. Only one place that could have come from...I wonder... I better send word out to the Pass for them to be on their toes. And I’d better get my diversion started. She got out of her chair again and walked quickly to the door, almost colliding with Erika who was just coming in. "Watch it." she said, sliding past her.

"Hold on." Erika said, pulling her aside. "Did you see what she’s wearing?" She kept her voice low.

"Yeah, nice piece of work. Why?" Arella answered, keeping her voice down as well.

"You know whose that is?" the dark haired amazon hissed.

"Relax." the redhead soothed. "Yeah, I figured that out. I was about to send someone to the Pass. You up for it?"

"I’m gone." Erika said, ducking out of the door.

So. The tall Amazon mused. You like storms, do you, Gabrielle? All right. I’ll give you a storm. She strode across the middle ground, collecting a few of her favorites with a glance. They casually crossed over to meet her as she arrived in front of her quarters.

On the escarpment, in the rain...

At least twice an hour, Xena was convinced she had gone totally out of her mind. Just don’t look down. she kept reminding herself. Cautiously, she freed one hand grip, and reached above her for a new one, finding a bare crack to curl her fingertips into. Gaining a secure hold, she shifted her weight, and reached up with her other hand. For aching hours, one hold after another, she’d made her way up the sheer wall, mostly without incident, but there were several close calls, and one slip, which was very painful until she reached out and grabbed for a hold. And got lucky.

Two places where she could brace her back against the wall, and take a breather, for water, and to rest her arms and hands. Stubborn, huh? Oh yeah, am I ever. I gotta be nuts. She reminded herself once again, as she found her other hand hold, and lifted herself up, catching a foothold on a lower rock and moving further up the wall. If she had looked down, she would have seen that she was halfway, an unbelievable climb in wind and weather, and lack of sleep. But she didn’t look down. Down wasn’t important. Up was important. And up right now was an overhang, which was looking impossible to get over. But at the worst of times, it only took a moment of letting that cold nervous feeling that wasn’t hers surface, and somehow, she found a way.

I am going to do this. Her mind said, fiercely. I said if all the legions of Hades were between us, that wouldn’t stop me. What’s a little mountain? Move, Xena, before you get hit by one of those lightning bolts. She spotted a gnarled root extending from above the overhang, and stared at it. Let’s just see how stubborn I really am. She gathered herself, and sprang forward, releasing all her holds at once, and relying on just momentum, and her hand strength to save her.

It did, to her mild surprise, as she grabbed the root, and hung on, waiting for her body to stop swinging so she could pull herself up. And over, onto a tiny ledge, which gave her a moments respite. The wind cascaded around her, lashing her with rain from the lowering clouds. She sat quietly, letting the stinging water revive her. OK, let’s go.

The Amazon Village - midmorning...

"So, you’re up." Gabrielle said, as Ephiny walked into her quarters, looking rested, if still a bit sleepy.

"Mmm." Ephiny responded, then glanced at her. "So, I see you have a new adornment." She jerked her chin at the knife hanging from the queen’s belt.

"Yeah." the bard answered, absorbed in a treaty scroll. "I’ve been telling everyone that Xena found out I didn’t have a parchment opener, and this was her way of taking care of that little problem."

Ephiny snorted in laughter. "Really?"

"Yeah." Gabrielle answered, letting a weary grin cross her face. "It makes a good story."

She finished scribbling some notes on the treaty, and sat back, wincing at the stiffness in her back. Too much sitting around does that to you. Isn’t that what Xena always says? Gods, I hate when she’s always right. And how would she know? When does she ever sit still for more than an hour or so? She laughed to herself. Wonder what she’s up to right now? Probably whacking poor defenseless villagers with a staff, I bet.

They both looked up at a sudden commotion outside.

The escarpment...

Xena was in real trouble, this time. She had two decent handholds, but the rock she had been using as a foothold had cracked out from under her, and left her hanging, with no possibility of getting another grip. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore her strained breathing, the stinging rain, and the fiery ache in her shoulders. Well...now what? Her mind panted. She looked up, Nothing. A sheer wall, with no breaks in it. To her left, was a cleft, but there were no sure holds there, either. And above this section...she gritted her teeth. One last ledge, and she was at the top. So. Does it stop here? She took the chance and glanced down, barely able to make out the general shape of the forest below, let alone individual trees. Oh.. that’ll be deadly. Yep. I’ve come this far, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to just let go and die here. She looked up again, giving her head a quick shake to get the wet hair out of her eyes, and concentrating on the cleft.

One chance. One reliance on her ability to move her body through the air with precision. After a day and a half of non stop traveling. And in the rain. And...damn. I can do this. She closed her eyes, and centered herself, reaching down deep, and calling up reserves of strength. And of confidence. And, it was simple, really, just a winding up of the body, and a release, and...

And she was there, and had both feet in a secure hold, and could rest her screaming arms. Oh boy. I’m going to pay big time for this. But she didn’t care, because right above her was that last ledge, and before she had time to think about what she was doing, she leaped for it, and twisted in mid air, and there she was. Just like that. Like Ares had stepped out from behind a tree, and sprinkled her with dust. Whoa. She rested there for a few minutes, breathing hard, and pressing her body against the cold stone, to leach some of the trembling heat from her.

Then she stood, and hopped over the last rock, and there, before her, was the road. Gently winding up to the pass, which she could just make out through the trees. Sighing, she just stood on the side of the path, and let the now pouring rain run over her, rinsing off the rock dust, and rinsing away her fatigue. Then a wave of sudden fear almost took her knees out from under her, and when she could stand without shaking, she broke into a steady run, and headed for the pass.

The Amazon Village...

"Centaurs!" Came the yell from the middle ground, and both Ephiny and Gabrielle jumped to their feet, and headed for the door. Arella was striding across to meet them, holding a crossbow. "It’s happened." She spat, throwing the crossbow down at their feet. "Tell me that’s a mistake, then. Three arrows in one of our scouts, and from that bow."

Ephiny glanced at it. Centaur, no doubt there. "Maybe there was a mistake." she said quietly, tensely.

Arella laughed. "Yeah, our mistake, in trusting them. Look, if you want to have a chit chat with them, go ahead. I’m taking a force in. "

And she was gone, and they were looking at each other, as Arella’s forces moved out at a trot, leaving behind a bewildered group of Amazons.

"They can’t do that." Gabrielle fumed. "We have to stop them." She ducked back into her quarters for her staff, and took off after them, but Ephiny grabbed her.

"Just where do you think you’re going?" She yelled, pulling the bard to a halt. Not as easy as she had expected, though, and she found herself being dragged a few steps. "Gabrielle!"

The bard whirled on her. "I’m going to stop Arella. What does it look like? Does anyone else here want to go?" Her green eyes flashed, and there was a fire about her that Ephiny had never seen before. "Let me go." she growled at Ephiny.

"All right.. all right.." Ephiny yelled. "Let me get my weapons, for the sake of the gods, Gabrielle, you can’t do down there alone. Don’t be crazy!" She pelted for her quarters, being joined in a run by Granella and Solari, and a few others who now started moving.

Gabrielle didn’t wait. She had marked the direction Arella’s group was moving in, and took off after them, running lightly, and keeping her staff out in front of her. After a moment, she realized someone was shadowing her, and turned her head. "Cait! Go back!" she said, startled.

The blond girl kept pace, and shook her head. "It’s all right."

"NO.." the bard snapped, stopping, and grabbing her shoulders. "You’re just a girl, Cait - you don’t belong in this."

Cait reached out and touched her, meeting her eyes. "You’re wrong... it’s you who doesn’t belong." She drew her own knife, and met Gabrielle’s eyes, letting through in her gaze what she thought of as her true self. And saw, not a cringe, but a recognition dawn in the bards eyes. Who had seen that look before. And knew it’s source.

Gabrielle took a deep breath, then sighed. "Come on." she said, quietly, and started running again, Cait at her shoulder.

The Pass...

Xena loped up the path, keeping a steady fast pace up the trail. Before her was the pass, and after that, it was downhill to the village, and she knew she could make some real time there. She was just inside the inner pass wall when her senses came full alert, and before she had time to think, long honed reactions had her sword out in her hand.

Because a net dropped over her head, and only the slimmest chance kept the sword upmost, and it sliced through the hemp like butter as she whirled, and the netting settled around her broad shoulders.

A quick bouncing jump, and it cleared her legs, and then she was under a dozen bodies, and being borne down to the ground. But as her hand hit the earth, she coiled under the weight, and pushed back up, tossing bodies off. A sharp pain in her back was a knife, she knew, and she reached around with her left hand and got a grip on fabric, and pulled with all the power she had in that arm. The pain stopped, and a body hurtled over her head and thudded onto the ground.

Now she could see her assailants. Amazons. A burning fire woke inside her, and the next move was a sword slash, which caught one of them in the belly and nearly cut her in half. A quick elbow took out a second, and she heard bone crunch as she kicked at third into a tree. Another sword slash, and blood was flying, and she had an arm in her grasp, which she wrenched and heard a popping sound as the shoulder it was attached to dislocated.

A jump, and kick, and now there were only 10 facing her, and she whirled her sword, and laughed, and dared them to come at her. And the rain exploded in a deluge, as she bolted towards them, and they ran, and she caught two of them, and knocked their heads together with a sickening crack. And then she was alone on the path, chest heaving, blood now coloring the rain running off her back. And the fear rising in her made her heart pound even faster, and she took off running again.

The Centaur Village...

"This is chaos!" Gabrielle yelled, as she and Cait rounded the corner into the village, and found it a nightmare of blowing rain, and fighting centaurs and Amazons. She saw an Amazon about to fire a crossbow at a Centaur, and bolted forward, slamming her staff across the Amazon’s back and sending her to the ground. The Centaur looked at her, then nodded in recognition, and dashed off.

Oh gods... what am I doing here? She stopped thinking, and started reacting, as another Amazon came at her with blood in their eyes, and then she had dropped the staff, and was grappling with the woman, thanking the gods for every single second that Xena had patiently spent teaching her how to wrestle. She grabbed her opponents arm, and twisted it over her head, throwing the Amazon to the ground with a heavy thud. One down. She grabbed her staff and ran on, targeting another archer.

The Amazon Village...

"Oh, I don’t think so, Ephiny." Erika sneered, as she cocked her crossbow, and pinned Ephiny and her group to the wall with a line of crossbows. "Not this time. Now is our time. Just stay still... you won’t have to do a thing." She jerked her head at two of her subordinates. "Tie them up."

"Erika.." Ephiny started, but Erika turned suddenly, and cracked her across the jaw with the butt of her crossbow, tossing the woman back into the wall.

"Shut up." She grinned. "I’ve been wanting to say that to you for a long time." She watched as they were tied, hanging from a pole outside the dining hall. "And, when our ‘hunting’ party gets back, we can have them tell you all about the hunt..." she smiled. "You’ll love it. Do you know what the quarry was this time, Ephiny? Do you?"

Solari grimaced. "You’re itching to tell us, so why don’t you?" She spat. "You’ll never get away with this."

Erika chuckled. "Oh yeah, we will...because our hunting party was out for ex warlord...and you know what that means...our little queen has no champion. " She walked over, and poked Ephiny. "And so... we’ll have a new queen."

A high pitched whistling sound interrupted her. Ephiny heard it, and felt a wild hope jump in her chest. I know that sound....an impact thudded above her head, and then she felt her ropes give way, and she dropped to her knees in reaction, along with the rest of her group, but looked up and over their shoulders, to see, through the curtain of rain, and briefly highlighted by a nightmarish lightning bolt a fast moving, dark clad form bounding towards them.

Erika whirled, and her group brought up their weapons, but her eyes widened in recognition when another lightning bolt lit up the sky, and reflected off an upraised sword, and glinted out of a pair of ice blue eyes.

"Come on." Ephiny growled, and jumped forward. "She doesn’t have time to play with these idiots. Get them." And herself took out Erika, with a kick that lifted the dark haired Amazon up and tossed her into the growing mud lake. Her group fell to with a vengeance, and she headed for Xena, and grabbed hold of her armor, pulling the warrior to a stop.

"Centaur Village." She yelled, seeing comprehension dawn in those wild eyes. "I’ve got this here... for the love of the gods, GO!" She shoved Xena in the right direction, and picked up a staff, wading into the fight with a will.

Centaur Village...

Gabrielle ducked under a wildly thrown punch, and countered with a quick staff blow, then a second, and went on to the next fighter. Suddenly she saw her nightmare - a group of centaur children, backed against a tree, frightened. Her heart stopped, when she saw what was facing them.

Arella, face red with bloodlust, holding a sword already dripping with Centaur blood. She laughed, and advanced towards them, enjoying the fear in their eyes.

"No." Gabrielle breathed, and started running. She caught up to Arella as the woman was about to take a first swing at the eldest, who crouched in front of his charges, pale eyes wide and unbelieving. The bard braced herself, and swung, a short, powerful stroke that took Arella’s legs out at the knees, and dumped her on the ground.

She howled in rage, and bounced back up, this time facing her attacker. And laughed. "Ah...so you do have guts, after all. I wondered about that." She picked up a staff and sheathed her sword for the moment. "First, let me get that thing away from you. I have no desire to be dumped on my ass again." She swung forward, slamming her staff against Gabrielle’s expecting it to fly out of the bard’s hands.

"Sorry, Arella." the smaller woman breathed. "My usual sparring partner can do better than that."

Arella grunted, but then smiled. "Sorry, little bard, your usual sparring partner will be dead by now... because that’s what my hunting party was after." She smiled, seeing the change in Gabrielle’s face. "Yeah, that’s right... you’re all alone now...so drop the staff, before I mount you on it."

Was it possible? Gabrielle felt a sick feeling in her gut. Anything was. But..."What with.. .twenty Amazons?" She peeled her lips back in a grin. "You think that could stop her?" she laughed softly. "You have no idea." And she parried forward, knocking Arella’s staff out of position, and getting in a hit on her shoulder.

"Oh, I have a good idea." Arella growled, and came back, slamming her staff into the bard, and driving her back a step.

"No.. you don’t." Gabrielle panted, knocking that blow aside, and thrusting forward to catch the redhead in the knee. "You’re a coward. You didn’t dare challenge her, so you found another way to get what you so desperately want." And I so desperately don’t want. It would be funny if it wasn’t so dire.

A low growl was her only answer, and then the redhead moved forward with a fast series of attacks, driving Gabrielle back towards the Centaur children. But the bard was stubborn, and kept turning her blows aside, and countering with ones of her own. I can’t keep this up forever, though. Her mind whirled. I’m getting really tired. Then what? Hades.

Arella sensed her tiring, and bounded forward, at last getting the staff out of her hands. She whipped her weapon around, catching the bard across the head, and taking her down. She stepped over her, and raised her staff for a savage stab. And a small flying form drove against her, knocking her back, and making her stumble. She roared, and slammed a fist against a small blond head, smashing her against the nearby tree.

Gabrielle felt a red wash come over her vision, as she struggled to get up, and felt Cait’s form slide down the tree next to her. She shook her head to clear her vision, and then wished she didn’t. Because Arella was bracing herself, and cocking a Centaur crossbow. Oh...her mind went into shock. She’s going to kill me.

"That’s right, green eyes. " Arella said, getting the quarrel cocked. properly. "I am, and with a Centaur weapon, so we won’t have any more of these treaties, and peace, and good will. We’ll have war, and that’s what we want, Gabrielle... why can’t you understand that?"

"Because violence isn’t the way." She answered, rising up on her knees, and motioning the centaur children to keep down. They cowered around her, gazing up at her with frightened eyes. "Because there’s a better way to live."

"No." Arella answered, raising the bow. "You’re wrong. There is no better way, no better feeling than this." She aimed, expecting the queen to beg. Expecting her to flinch, or duck, or turn her head from the cruel arrowhead. But the eyes never turned from hers, never blinked, and she held that gaze as Arella’s finger tightened on the release, and squeezed.

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recap: Volume 6 Episode 9 “Lost”

Welcome to Volume 6, Episode 9 where “Lost” truly encompasses all of my feelings today! Sorry for the late recap, but let’s not waste anymore time.

We open on Emerald and Mercury as they hang out in Salem’s palace, the woman in question nowhere to be found. She’s probably still off seething over Ozpin’s latest reincarnation. There’s some pretty heavy symbolism attached to how each character navigates the room: Mercury energetic and full of purpose as he trains in the open space; Emerald static and curled in on herself on the floor. She admits that she hates “being in the dark like this” and Mercury agrees. Cinder was annoying, but at least she kept them both filled in.

Of course she did, because Cinder craves power in a way Salem doesn’t. She wants a particular type of submission tied up in validation. Qrow reminds us in Volume Four that Salem keeps to the sidelines. She’s—to borrow our Wizard of Oz vernacular—the man behind the curtain, happy to pull strings that lead to everyone pointing accusingly at one another, with no inkling that someone more powerful is really to blame. Can we picture Cinder laying out plans that didn’t result in her taking credit for the plot? I can’t. She needs to be in the thick of things, monologuing her victories, and by extension she has a closer relationship with her pawns than Salem ever will, by pure necessity. Cinder would have eaten up the kind of attention from Tyrian that Salem brushes aside unless acknowledging it directly suits her purpose. It’s that faux intimacy that’s convinced Emerald they have a real connection.

With these kinds of thoughts on her mind, Emerald asks Mercury why he bothered to come with them all those years ago. He reveals that his father was an assassin, trained him to be the same, and the night he manages to kill him a group comes along that just happens to need his particular type of expertise? “Just felt like it was meant to be.”

Emerald: “That’s it?”

I agree. Though Mercury is by far the more convinced of the two, he’s still demonstrating the same lack of clear convictions that our heroes have been grappling with. You signed your life over to this war because a bunch of strangers happened to be passing by? That sort of coincidental justification can’t sustain itself. Even Pyrrha’s firm belief in destiny grew shaky once she was faced with a truly difficult decision and Mercury has had pretty smooth sailing lately, especially compared to the life he had with his father. He beat up a bookseller, framed Yang, helped destroy Beacon, had a minor role at the Haven battle, and has been hanging in the palace ever since. He’s actually been doing pretty well, especially since losing Cinder is no real blow to him, so why wouldn’t he think he made the right choice to impulsively follow her and Emerald when they met? The problem is, these victories won’t last. What’s Mercury going to do when his “it just felt like it was meant to be” collides head on with a truly difficult situation… like oh, say, having Salem turn that anger on him as an abuse survivor? As others have already pointed out, Mercury was pretty damn spooked by her reaction to the news about Oz and saw it coming far faster than the other characters. One of these days he’s going to realize that it’s not going to be continuous smooth sailing to Salem’s new world where he’s a top dog no one can touch. Then he’ll have a choice to make.

Of course, Tyrian is already anticipating that. Sometimes it doesn’t matter whether you ever discover those true convictions. Even if Mercury some day realizes he wants to get out from underneath Salem’s thumb, good luck with that. Hello, difference between her and Ozpin. Ozpin let’s people leave, no matter the cost to himself and the war effort. I doubt Salem provides such luxuries.

Emerald tries to get Mercury to understand how her motivations were tied up entirely with Cinder: “[She] was the only family I ever had. She cared about me…” Mercury interrupts with the cruel truth that no, she doesn’t care about either of them, and Emerald is so enraged that she attacks.

You can easily see her heart isn’t in it though. In a nice parallel to Oscar’s line at the end of the episode, she’s been worrying about the exact same stuff. After her initial attack Emerald is barely keeping her fists up and backs off as Mercury starts advancing on her.

He brings up an interesting conundrum: is it worse to have been denied the love of a parent, or to experience the hatred of another? Of course, the truth is that both are horrendous, but Mercury is clearly of the mind that his trauma trumps Emerald’s. Surprisingly calm while also housing great fury, he reveals that some semblances can apparently steal others. At least I’m assuming this power came from his father’s own semblance. Whatever it was (omg tell us lol) apparently made Mercury “weak” in his eyes and after taking it he said he could get it back when he proved he was “strong.” Well, Mercury proved his strength by killing his father, but he didn’t get his semblance back. So it apparently doesn’t revert back after death.

Before things can get anymore heated Tyrian sneaks creepily out of the shadows. His usual entrance. The highlight of his hastily justified visit—just saying goodbye!—is the reveal of his new tail. Did he have the rest of his tail removed? I’m assuming that only the end is new with the rest of his tail just encased in that armor. Later we can clearly see a drop of his poison on the tip (along with the purple visible on the underside) so I suspect in order to create an apparatus that could draw it out again they’d have to keep the rest of the limb. Regardless, it’s too bad for our heroes. It looked like Ruby had done some permanent damage back in Volume Four.

I’m actually rather fascinated by how RWBY treats its disabled characters. There’s a very heavy focus on the psychological trauma as opposed to the physical. Meaning, once the character “gets over” the injury (I use that awful phrase not literally, but just to describe the moment when the arc focused on their injury is complete and the narrative needs to move on) the focus then segues to how much stronger they are now. Again, physically if not mentally. Mercury’s legs are now more powerful than the average human’s, as is half of James’s body, Yang’s arm, Tyrian seems to be able to do everything he previously could with his tail, except now it won’t be so easy to slice through it with a scythe. We also get moments where the act of being disabled is the factor that tips the scales: such as when Yang detaches her arm to get into the vault. On the one hand this is an incredibly positive and potentially inspiring trend. On the other hand real life disabilities sometimes still suck in a way that really isn’t portrayed here, especially since everyone has access advanced tech to “fix” the problem. Yang is right. There’s a part of her missing that she’ll never get back, but that doesn’t change the fact that her new arm is portrayed as more powerful and versatile than her original could ever hope to be. Putting aside the trauma of losing it for a moment, the fact that she’s missing an arm is itself no longer presented as a disability.

I’d actually like to see more moments where the tech isn’t portrayed as such an easy fix: Someone doesn’t have the money to get fancy Atlas stuff, Yang’s arm breaks down in the middle of a fight, whatever dispenses Tyrian’s poison jams up, someone with a tech or metal-based semblance gets a huge advantage when they realize a bunch of the allies are reliant on metal limbs, etc. AKA, more like Fullmetal Alchemist where disabilities are both an asset (I always have a weapon on hand!) as well as a hindrance (…that often gets destroyed) depending on the situation. I think the closest we get is with Maria. Losing color meant that she didn’t pick up on Ruby’s eyes until the very last moment, putting them in more danger. Beyond that she says her specs need a tuneup, but so far we haven’t seen any downsides to not getting them upgraded.

ANYWAY. I should get back to the actual episode…

Tyrian points out that Mercury is too afraid to leave the pain and violence that he’s always known and Mercury gives the expected line that Tyrian doesn’t know anything about him. Makes me wonder what Tyrian’s past was like and why this conversation out of them all would bring out his more philosophical side.

We see more of Emerald’s need to hang onto what little family she has left. Despite attacking Mercury just moments before she lets out a furious, “Hey!” when Tyrian pins him and uses “we” when asking whether they’re just supposed to leave, despite the fact that Mercury has expressed zero interest in considering that option. Emerald considers them a set and, like with Cinder, is projecting more love than might actually be there. She expects that if she leaves, Mercury will follow.

Boy, that might be another kick in the teeth if it ever came down to it…

Tyrian gets his line about how they should love what they do… but ultimately you don’t have much of a choice. Not when Salem is involved. Watts appears reeeeeal far back to let him know it’s time to leave for Atlas.

Could you be more dramatic?

With the ominous knowledge that literally every semi-notable character is heading to Atlas, we cut to JNR looking for Oscar. Jaune gets some excellent lines here:

“This is all my fault. I overreacted…he didn’t do anything wrong.”

Damn straight. Most of the fandom was willing to absolve Jaune the moment he showed a guilty look, but in this volume particularly looking guilty isn’t the same thing as an apology and a change in behavior. Qrow hasn’t apologized to the group yet. The group hasn’t apologized to Ozpin. There’s been a lot of shots of people looking regretful, but not doing much to act on that regret. Given this theme I wouldn’t have been surprised if Jaune hung onto his anger and tried to justify his reaction… but he didn’t and I’m so glad to see this glimmer of maturity, especially coming from one of the more violent characters this volume. He’s doing everything right here: being frank about his mistakes and responsibility, implying that it won’t happen again, apologizing the moment he sees Oscar. Good job, Jaune.  

We see how with a few hours to calm down JNR is totally on board with continuing the mission. They’re concerned about what they’ll do, not whether they’ll do anything at all. “It’s going to be a lot harder than we thought” implies that they’ll be continuing the fight and Nora and Ren are back to their endlessly optimistic selves. Honestly… while I’m glad to see this characterization in general, it feels cheap after last episode. As said, RT has given everyone an identical reaction to the information about Salem, undermining their individual temperaments and outlooks, all so we can build up this hatred of Ozpin. But if you’re going to give characters unlikely reactions (like Nora going full pessimism) at least commit to it. By skipping over their thought process and discussion, by jumping straight back to, ‘Of course we’ll fight!’ it paints their original reactions as inauthentic. Nora isn’t really doubting whether all their work meant something, Ren isn’t really mad at the rest of the group, Jaune doesn’t really think Ozpin has taken over Oscar—those emotions were just tools to fuel the drama of one scene. And yeah, some people will read that as a legitimate response to getting horrifying news. I personally don’t. That scene could have achieved everything it needed to without making JNR a carbon-copy of RWBY in their grief.

We also get another example of how the team is happy to keep secrets when it serves their own purposes—“I know, I know. Top secret”—and how less stock they put in the traditional huntsmen lifestyle now. Saphron says that if they’re not sure what to do they can always get their licenses and help out in Argus. “There’s a lot of good you can do here” and this is juxtaposed with images of safe and smiling people who only have that happiness because of the everyday huntsmen doing their work. Saphron points out that they don’t have to be the ones to complete this mission and “it’s not the only mission that needs doing.” She doesn’t have any of the details… but she’s right. Someone needs to get the relic to safety, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be 10+ people. If anyone has doubts about continuing the fight against Salem specifically, now’s the time to bow out, especially since not being committed is dangerous to everyone else. It’s what Ozpin said back in Volume 5: abstaining isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but you’ll reach a point where you can’t retreat.

This suggestion is brushed off though and I don’t think it’s because JNR has some inspiring drive to face Salem no matter the cost. It’s because everything else still feels ‘useless.’ It’s hard to learn about the Big Bad and then go back to fighting the small fry, even though that’s primarily what keeps Salem at bay. Fighting grimm, bandits, her subordinates, promoting peace… these are the things that keep her from getting a foothold. JNR may be willing to continue to Atlas, but they haven’t quite acknowledged yet that this war doesn’t always have straight-forward quests for them, the heroes, to complete. Secure the relic! Kill Salem! I mean this will never happen because it’s a show and we need plot, but in-world it’s totally possible that after Atlas the thing to do is just the sort of stuff Saphron suggests. Salem’s plans are usually years in the making and we can’t go kill her… so I guess all we can do now is go back to being just huntsmen. 

I hope RWBY addresses this pseudo-superiority that’s developing; the idea that their group always has to be on The Mission To Save The World. I just want someone to acknowledge again that keeping magical relics safe is important… but so is, say, saving a random village from their geist grimm. The world needs both.

Which brings us to Pyrrha.

(Ah, look at that Volume 1 opening callback.) 

Ren and Nora try to cheer Jaune up with drinks at a cafe (coffee! shop! a! u!) but he hangs back on a bench. Everyone’s heart rips out when a familiar leaf drifts by and lead’s Jaune to Pyrrha’s statue…

Let me be clear here. I love the emotion of this scene. I love that JNR finally got to have this conversation. The only thing I don’t love is how heavily it pushes the idea that it’s noble to die even when you didn’t have to, even when it accomplishes precisely nothing.

Woman: “[Pyrrha] understood that she had a responsibility to try… I don’t think she would regret her choice, because a huntress would understand that there really wasn’t a choice to make. And a huntress was what she’d always wanted to be.”

This viewpoint makes sense for whoever this woman is, Pyrrha’s mom, her older sister, etc. Of course that’s how she’s going to rationalize the tragedy, especially when she presumably doesn’t know the details of Pyrrha’s death. I truly doubt anyone from Beacon told her Pyrrha went off after someone who she knew she’d lose against and died uselessly. But JNR and the narrative itself? They can afford to be more critical.

Of course there was a choice to make. If Pyrrha was here she SHOULD regret the choice she made! There was no reason for Pyrrha to die. She didn’t die out of ignorance by underestimating her enemy. She didn’t die to save someone else’s life. She didn’t die to buy someone time. RWBY was careful to make sure that Pyrrha’s death served absolutely no purpose and has brought only hardship to those around her. That was her fatal flaw—fighting for the sake of fighting—and Ruby at least recognizes this as something they need to learn from. JNR? Apparently not. They parrot the woman’s words and talk about how they “have to try,” clearly conflating Pyrrha’s situation with Salem’s immortality, but they’re in no way the same thing. They actually don’t have a choice when it comes to Salem because the only other option here is death/enslavement for all of humanity. You know what other choice Pyrrha had though? Listening to her headmaster, not throwing her life away, sparing her friends their grief, and living to do more good later on. I’m used to the fandom endlessly twisting Pyrrha’s death into something inevitable (Ozpin manipulated her!) or something purely noble (she was so close to beating Cinder!), but I didn’t expect the show to do the same thing. It’s a disservice to her character to pretend that she didn’t have any faults… and that one of those faults got her killed.

So yeah. The lessons in general are important ones, just not when they’re applied to this specific context. Regardless, it solidifies their feelings that they’ll continue on to Atlas and after some more apologies from Jaune for being a “terrible leader” and friend, they decide to head back to the house. Jaune takes one more look at Pyrrha’s statue with an airship flying overhead, a very non-romantic choice that won’t make sense until the end of the episode.

After all that emotional upheaval we cut to Ruby. Looking like this:

This child is so fucking done.

I suppose the one silver lining is that Qrow managed to make it back to the house before he passed out? Yang comments that she’s “never seen him this bad” as these poor kids drag him back onto his feet. As Ruby angrily fills him in about Oscar being missing Jaune goes, “Don’t worry. We’re not going to Atlas without him.”

Ruby: “We? :D”

As everyone basks in their newfound determination, the door opens to shed some literal light on them all. Our farm boy is there, safe, sound, and sporting new digs.

Oscar: “Oh. I was wondering when you’d get back.”

I know I joked last time about how Oscar probably just went for a walk since everyone agreed to take time to themselves, but RT could have given us some indication of where he went, what he did (besides shopping), what he thought… basically anything that would show us some actual development, rather than having it all happen off screen. Like Nora, Ren, and Jaune suddenly 100% on board after their pessimism last episode, we completely skip over Oscar’s thought process. We don’t get to see how he went from this

to this.

The fact that this time skip proceeds Jaune’s apology makes it a highly uncomfortable scene—for me at least. Because Oscar went from flinching in his company to making them all dinner and interrupting Jaune before he can even finish, claiming it’s fine because he’s had the same worries. In short, it feels like Oscar is the one apologizing here because we haven’t gotten any insight into what else might explain this sudden mood change. He’s a “like minded” soul to Ozpin though and Ozpin blames himself for everything. So Oscar watches how no one gives a damn if he’s okay after Jaune assaults him and, instead of being angry at them for that, makes everyone casserole with the hope that they’ll be pleased with that gesture. He doesn’t let Jaune take full responsibility for his actions or complete his apology because Oscar thinks that reaction was justified. Oscar implicitly apologizes for making them worry all day even though he had every right to leave. He talks about himself like he’s dying—“I don’t know how much longer I’ll be me”—and instead of being upset about that anymore he says that he’s going to help others with “whatever time I have left.”

Oscar is doing exactly what Ozpin did a few episodes ago, trying to please those around him instead of calling them out on their shitty behavior. For Ozpin it was giving them a life without him; for Oscar it’s playing the supportive outsider who’s determined to not be a burden. He can’t help that he’s merging with Ozpin, but he can be better prepared for their next battle (combat gear), take care of little things he has control over (dinner), and accept their apologies instantly with a smile. He’s not giving them any reason to hate him anymore than he thinks they already do. 

If this is at all a reflection of how Ozpin’s comeback will go, it’s not a good sign in my opinion. I’m still worried that Ozpin will be the one apologizing and will just brush off any half-hearted apologies he gets in turn.

Of course, a big portion of the fandom is theorizing that this isn’t Oscar at all, but rather Ozpin controlling him. I’m not buying that theory right now. Mostly because Ozpin wouldn’t do that. We just watched Jaune lose it because he thought Ozpin might be tricking them by pretending to be Oscar…so Ozpin’s gonna turn around and do exactly that? And to what purpose? Take back the relic from Ruby? If he could hear during his self-imposed isolation then he knows that RWBY is still determined to get to Atlas. If he couldn’t then he woke up in Argus and can infer the same thing. It’s foolish to go off on his own in a body that, to be frank, is still barely trained, especially when time has proven that it takes a team to make it out there. The only way I might buy this is if Ozpin thinks he’s sparing everyone by taking the relic himself; unburdening them from the mission.

I can see why people are suspicious. Oscar is indeed acting off, though I attribute that to the fact that, again, he’s clearly rattled by what happened and is trying not to show it. I can also kinda see why people would be suspicious of him buying combat gear now—he’s planning to go off on his own!—but this was also just a decent time for him to get an outfit change. Plus he needs combat gear regardless of whether he’s with the group or not.

In the end, believing that this is Ozpin in control here is rooted in the fandom’s belief that Ozpin is a horrible manipulator who would turn around and do all the things Jaune just accused him of. If this ends up being the case I’d be incredibly disappointed in RT, because this goes against so much of Ozpin’s core characterization. Until it’s actually proven, this isn’t a theory I’m subscribing to.

With Oscar’s Jaune’s apologies out of the way Qrow tries to leave and Ruby finally loses her temper, snapping that he can at least sit with them. Qrow is once again entirely dismissive of Ruby. He sarcastically says how he “wouldn’t want to get in the way of your celebration,” callously brushes off whatever Oscar and the group apparently made up about, and reiterates that they don’t have a plan. Hell, he doesn’t even know that JNR has learned about Salem and he clearly doesn’t care. Jaune tries to diffuse the situation by mentioning that he has thought of a plan... though it’s the “no going back” kind. 

Steal an airship. Please look at everyone’s horrified reactions. Except for Nora.

She’s so proud!!

Why the shock though? Objectively speaking this group has never cared much for laws or rules. Ruby and Yang come from a family with bandits in it. Blake was a member of a terrorist group. Ren and Nora clearly had to steal in order to survive. Jaune got into Beacon with forged transcripts. They happily let Ozpin bend the rules for them at school. They never reported all the illegal activity of the White Fang. They then started acting as huntsmen despite not having licenses. Weiss snuck out of her own Kingdom as cargo. And they just straight up lied to a military figure to try and cross the boarder. Like I get that stealing a ship is a bit bigger than this other stuff (with the exception, perhaps, of Jaune’s transcripts and Blake’s past), but it’s not like this is a group of totally law-abiding citizens. They’ve been working outside of the Kingdoms’ laws for a rather long time now.

It’s the perfect excuse for Qrow though and he tells them to drop it. There’s a clear visual divide between him on the stairs and everyone else below, reinforced when Ruby says that she wants to “hear [Jaune] out.”

Interesting choice of words. Jaune just admitted that ‘steal an airship’ is all he’s got. There isn’t anything more to hear out. Ruby is just making it very clear who she’s siding with.

She says she knows Qrow is worried for them and thinks it’s all hopeless, but “right now I don’t really care what you think.”

To quote the popular meme, you can pinpoint the exact moment his heart breaks!

Needed to be said though.

However then… then. Oh boy. Then Ruby spouts this absolute nonsense about how the kids have never needed adults and definitely don’t need them now.

“We’ve been in tough situations before and we didn’t need an adult to come save us or tell us what to do. We did it our way.”

I’m sorry, Ruby. When the hell was this?? Was it when you tried to take on the White Fang by yourself instead of providing Ozpin with information that might have helped him figure out Salem’s plan? Or was it when an experienced huntsmen had to come save you with your team when you went off alone at Mountain Glenn? Was it when the adults did just as much work to win the battle of Beacon as you? How about when you were traveling to Haven and didn’t have any grimm to deal with because the adult was following behind and taking care of them all, then saved you from being kidnapped? Was it when Ozpin trained you for weeks and finally gave you a plan to follow? Or was it two days ago when Maria’s experience literally saved you all from certain death?

To say nothing of the reverse. It’s because of the kids’s actions that they’re in this position in the first place. It’s because Ruby went and used a question that Ozpin isn’t around to help them anymore, to help recognize the Apathy for what it was, to gain them entrance across the boarder. Kids thinking they know best is precisely what started all this nonsense.

But yeah. Apparently there’s no remorse for how they treated Ozpin yet. Rather than regretting their inhumane treatment now that they’ve had time to cool off, they’ve settled on a ‘Who needs him anyway?’ mentality.

This viewpoint came totally out of left field and I honestly hate it. Everything from the rousing shots of everyone’s smug expressions—Yeah! Bonding over how much we don’t need you!—to Maria cheering them on, I absolutely hated it. Ruby isn’t mad at adults, she’s mad specifically at Qrow and his drinking. She could have easily called him out on his shit (something that needs doing) without charging her team up with the misguided idea that they’ve somehow been surviving without adults when they haven’t. We could have re-asserted Ruby’s convictions to keep fighting without throwing all her 20yo+ allies under the bus. Apparently they’ve learned little from their impulsive decisions this volume.

However, RWBY is acknowledging a common issue with child protagonists: how do you make them the star of the show when presumably adults should be fighting in their stead? There are a couple ways to get around this:

Adults are available but we don’t trust them (Harry’s abuse in Harry Potter)

Adults are around but are fundamentally useless (HP again - Harry is brushed off by McGonagall in the first book, dealing with evil or idiotic DADA instructors, etc.)

Adults are forced to hand over the reigns to kids (any story with a Chosen One plot)

Adults might want to help but can’t for reasons outside of their control (they all died off, they’re hypnotized like the parents in It, etc.)

The problem with RWBY is that adults have always and will always be an integral part of the plot. The narrative hasn’t given Ruby a distrust of authority figures (she grew up with a loving father and clearly respected her instructors), it hasn’t painted her as Remnant’s inevitable savior (in-world at least. We as the audience know she’s the primary protagonist, but to the cast she’s only a little special because of her silver eyes), it hasn’t forcibly removed adults from the battlefield, and it hasn’t characterized them as useless. Yes, RWBYJNR has had some of their faith undermined given Ozpin’s fall from grace and Qrow’s drinking, but those are balanced out by Maria’s endless help and the Cotta-Arc family giving them sanctuary. RWBY is suddenly trying to push a YA-esque ‘kids know best’ viewpoint without doing any of the work to justify that. As an adult watching this show, that scene didn’t make me go

like I think it was supposed to. It just reinforced that they are, in fact, kids. Literally. Only kids look at adults and go, “We don’t need you! We’d be just fine on our own!” I mean yeah, as semi-trained huntsmen they’d probably survive, but that’s not what Ruby is saying. She’s taking her frustration with Qrow’s individual problem and twisting that into a failing of everyone who’s not her age... while standing next to the adult who saved her life and finally explained silver eyes, while her hosts finish making her dinner, in the house they’ll all be sleeping in tonight, while prepping a mission that hinges on getting to Ironwood. Sure, Ruby. Your way doesn’t rely on adults at all. 

God I hope this view was just a one-time thing that I can forget ever happened. If Ruby’s leadership gets tied up in a kids vs. adults mentality the rest of this volume is going to be very uncomfortable to watch. Maria’s,“Looks like you didn’t give her enough credit either!” is great, just not in this particular context. A lot like Oscar’s kindness and JNR’s determination to “try.” This episode was filled with things I wanted to see, but then they all got twisted in ways I never expected—and largely don’t like.

Oh well. I’m gonna hang onto Oscar’s BAMF new nutcracker outfit and that glorious image of the gang prepping to dog-pile on him.

Until next week!

Other Details of Note

I’ll admit, I did like the apparent threat behind Tyrian’s goodbye while he had his tail poised over Mercury’s face. He’s good at messing with people.

Nora’s gasp when she sees Pyrrha’s statue : (

But she still got Jaune a drink! :D

I’m wondering now why Pyrrha chose Beacon over Haven…

Terra freaking out about the neighbors was pretty hilarious.

Interesting that Ruby says, “We got this far without Oz.” Normally I’d be thrilled to see her treating him as a peer with a nickname, but considering that the rest of the speech is about how they don’t need adults, it feels more like a dig. He was still “Professor” after Jinn’s vision. Now that she’s decided he’s useless? No more respectful titles.

[atargetedindividual101]

My True Story of Being Targeted

Some people won’t be happy until they’ve pushed you to the ground. What you have to do is have the courage to stand your ground and not give them the time of day. Hold on to your power and never give it away.” ― Donna Schoenrock

As an adult I became a victim of an Organize Stalking Campaign. Organize Stalking also called group stalking, community mobbing, gang stalking, Multi stalking, mobbing, is when a group of people bann together to destroy their targets life & they conn others into believing lies about you.

I started to become aware that there was a huge problem in 2014, when odd comments started popping up about me online. Before I became aware that I was being I started being gang stalked, I was well liked & very successful. I served on a Speakers Bureau, advocating for those with Mental Health disabilities. I was a professional Jewelry maker. I helped out at many Mental Health events and was very happy to do so. 

Then came the storm, a small yet powerful emotional Hurricane,

That struck like a mass of confusion.

Leaving a path of.devastation in my life & pain was all I had left.

Little did I know that there was a enemy trying to take over my life. .One of the first things I became aware of was that they showed up on several forums & an anonymous message board with false information and lies about me. Then she started a mobbing campaign against me unlike any other to destroy me and everything that I had worked so hard for, . In the same way that hurricanes and tornadoes ruin lives. Little by little, Lies & slander shattered my life, so I started feeling nothing but Anger &Pain…at the world that was acting as if I am the cause of their misery. The mobbers tried to ruin my life-not once, but many times as they made accusations that didn’t even exist.

I could not believe it as I read their lies and slander about me all over anonymous websites and forums “She’s a Scammer, a hacker, a troll, a stalker, crazy, fat, ugly, a faker, and other labels that didn’t even exist.

I tried so desperately to hide my true feelings, as they had my online shops closed down for no reason. .As they tried to stop me from going to a church summer camp.. As they contacted all my supports and; brought them into the mobbing. As my accounts were hacked over and over again. As they tried to get me evicted many times. As they filed false complaints about me, everywhere. As they got fake victims. As they fabricated evidence against me. As people’s treatment changed towards me. I couldn’t understand what I did to make people hate me so much. they encouraged everyone I came in contact with to destroy me, and spread lies about me. A smear campaign was started against me. It almost seemed as if there was one person doing it behind the scenes. They were like the wicked witch from the wizard of oz, sitting in their castle, ordering their flying monkeys to do their dirty work,

At first everyone did not believe tbe lies of the stalkers.

Then everything changed. They blamed me for it all, even though it’s not me. If only they saw what this person does behind the scenes, behind closed doors, how she minipulates other people, how she’s like a professional victim, how she professionally lies about me, trying to “link” me to all sorts of stuff that I had nothing to do with, stuff that I didn’t even know about, how she is very obsessed about me, how they gets fake witnesses or “witnesses” how they play victim how they try &; “link”; me to stuff, How they gas lights others about me & how naive “flying monkeys” believe their lies. She they keeps trying to “prove my guilt”, of stuff I would never do. And no one looks out for me anymore & it’s all because of that person. She made me think that the world was a dark and dismal place filled with bad people, who did not have my best interest at heart, and so I trusted no one as she kept finding very sneaky ways to try & falsely “connect” me to her crimes. Using my likes, dislikes, disabilities, fears & what makes me human against me. I grew more paronoid everyday as she literally had a whole community of people stalking me,

Because they have been conned into believing her lies.

People expressed their opinion of me by baiting me in whatever way they can way-by intentionally creating noise, digging up dirt on me, letting me know that I am being watched, following me, trying to isolate me, singling me out, slandering me, discrediting me, & trying to control me in many other ways too. And then when I try & voice what is happening, I get accused of being crazy. I lost my voice because of this. It saddens me that people think I am the enemy cause I am not. My life had never been easy.I had dealt with being bullied my whole life, But nothing could have ever prepared me for this. .

Yes I do have a Mental illness but there was a healthy & well side to me & someone took that side of me & filled it with abnormal experiences, altering my reality. At times it seems as if I am not in reality but what is really happening is this person is stalking me in very strange ways & I’m not even sure what all she is doing 

& it is so frightening that it impairs my perception of the world around me.

If only people saw what really went on if only….. If only they could see the constant harassment that I face by passive Agressive people. .People are so busy living out their lives that they are not seeing my side of the story.

If only people saw all the anxiety I saw because of this. Because of what has happened, I felt alone, anxious, ashamed, guilty, hopeless, overwhelmed, ugly, and unworthy.Almost every night I had dreams of being chased and or losing everything. I had panic & anxiety attacks. I had strange happenings That I can’t even explain. I lost interest in things that I love…

I stopped smiling as much. I second guessed everything in my life. I felt isolated and alone.

I am very determined to get my life back and to make this all go away so I can have days that are filled with more joy and less anxiety.

What will help me are:

People stopping this campaign against me, people giving me my voice back, & people having faith in me& them disbelieving their lies,

People can change and grow,

I don’t need to be brought down by a person who wants to ruin me,

Why let her win! I am not connected to anything she has said I did! I am a law abiding citizen! I will say that Loud & clear.

Hi, my name is Andrea and I am an advocate for people with disabilities. I started doing research on Organize Stalking and I am writing about my experience.

What I see happening is this:

Victims of mobbing & Organize Stalking being driven crazy.

people are zeroing in and making false accusations on one individual Soon lots of people start being dragged in and soon lots of people are stalking them. After I started being mobbed, I simply researched everything that was happening, and was totally misjudged because of that too.

As Dr Janice Harper says, Humans are reasonable people, but when acting collectively, they don’t always think about what’s right or wrong. All they can think about is how “angry” they are at the target, that it never occurs to them that they are going after an innocent person, and their emotions replaces reasoning and any logical thinking they may have and they follow a path that enables them to act on their emotions out of fear and anxiety and even peer pressure.

and we justify our actions as being OK, And we tell ourselves whatever lies we have to about the target that we once loved and respected, even though we may know deep inside ourselves that the rumors may be false.

Anne Frank once said that she believes that all people are good at heart, but even good people do bad things. Its important to remember that MOST mobbers‬ are not evil people. They’re just normal people that do inhumane things to others. .But what you can do is say no when others want you to join in and help educate others. Mobbing someone & gang stalking & digging up dirt on a person is never OK. You can make the choice not to join in. We all have our own skeletons somewhere in our past. We all have made mistakes and have done wrong. We all have dirt. putting someone else’s “dirt” up on thedirty .com or pastebin or any other website is never ok, when everyone has our own dirt. And when we do wrong, we suffer the consequences of our actions. We shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences twice.

It’s so wrong to put a Mentally ill person through this or anyone at all.

My message is to be kind and when you see someone being mobbed do not JOIN IN. In fact, if you know those accusations aren’t true, you can even advocate for them and help them prove their innocence. We need to look out for each other more. We need to teach everyone to speak up when we see that others are being hurt and that silence is not acceptable. If we don’t allow Mobbers & organize stalkers

to destroy others, it’ll quickly stop.

.

[hiddlesgirl]

SH 315: To The Night Children

This was a great episode and I am glad that the show has got back into its stride after 313; the scenes were full of emotion and there was definitely a theme of conflict between doing what you feel is right and abiding by the system/laws. Magnus is receiving a far from warm welcome which while not surprising is disappointing given everything he has done for Shadowhunters, especially the NY Institute; Maia is struggling with her loss and wants justice for her pack; Clary is battling with the darker urges that the twinning rune is feeding.

We begin the episode with Heidi making a speech to the New York clan about it being their time to rule; what I really don’t understand about this entire situation is that although Heidi is charismatic and manipulative how they hell is she getting all the vampires to go along with her? I know that some will be fed up at how they are treated by the Shadowhunters but surely there are some who don’t want to cause a war or break the accords like Griffin, so why are they not speaking out? It just seems unrealistic that an entire clan of vampires are willingly following the orders of a baby vampire, following her like sheep.

I absolutely adore the Malec morning scene, such a sweet and domestic little moment. Magnus tells Alec that he slept like a rock, this is another indicator of how much not having magic affected him that as soon as he has regained it he is able to sleep. He feels so much more in his own skin and secure when he has magic, to know that he can protect himself and others, and to feel like himself gives him the ability to relax enough to sleep.

It’s very sweet that Alec fetched orange juice and coffee for Magnus so that he could have those extra few minutes of sleep because he knows how little Magnus has been sleeping. Also, the fact that Alec is getting dressed when Magnus wakes up suggests that he went to get the coffee in his sleepwear. I love that Magnus is lying on Alec’s pillow, stretched across the bed, implying that they sleep cuddled together and on each other’s chests (like in the 218 morning flashback).

Magnus is concerned about being at the Institute because he knows that Downworlders are not permitted to live there and the unrest that would cause with the other Shadowhunters. Not only is he worried about causing any trouble for Alec with the Clave or his subordinates but he is worried about their reaction to him. He knows that he is probably not going to be warmly welcomed by the majority of the Institute and he feels very out of place.

Alec wants Magnus to feel welcome and comfortable, he is so happy to be able to provide Magnus with somewhere to live and that they are living together at last that he is not willing to let anything get in the way of that. He isn’t going to let some rules stop his from helping his boyfriend and he will not tolerate anyone treating Magnus poorly, he dismisses Magnus’ concerns about the other Shadowhunters because he is confident in his position of leadership. Plus, I think that he hopes that they have adapted more opens minds when it comes to Downworlders because of his relationship with Magnus and their (Alec, Izzy, Clary) efforts to undo the prejudices.

Unfortunately, it is clear from the moment they step into the cafeteria that the Shadowhunters are not happy with Magnus’ presence, even Underhill who seemed very accepting of their relationship and didn’t seem to have any bias towards Magnus as a warlock. Magnus is clearly very uncomfortable but he stays because he doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of driving him out, also because Alec seems so confident.

Clary, Jace and Izzy are all happy and welcoming towards him; they all love him in their own way and have not objections to him living with them. When Izzy toasts him Magnus doesn’t drink from the glass, looking around at all the other Shadowhunters who are clearly not as happy as his friends. It seems that he didn’t drink not only because he felt under scrutiny but maybe because he felt out of place, like he didn’t belong. When you toast and drink with someone it is an act of solidarity and togetherness, but Magnus does not feel that in this moment, despite his friends and Alec’s reassurances.

We find out that Luke is going to be pleading guilty to the murders of the pack; you can see that he is so consumed by his guilt that he is willing to do what he deems necessary to atone for what he feels is his fault. He believes that he is responsible for their deaths because he left the pack, that he could have prevented it; now he is willing to face prison to alleviate that guilt. Fortunately for us, the sergeant knows Luke and does not believe his capable of that amount of violence.

Maia seems trapped in the trauma of the massacre which is completely understandable; she witnessed the brutal and unprovoked murder of her pack, she is trying to process what happened while dealing with her grief and anger. They were her family and she needs to make sure Heidi pays for taking them from her. Simon understands some of her hurt and anger after everything Heidi put him through, but he knows he cannot grasp the entirety of it; he wants to help her get the justice she and her pack deserves, and he knows that Heidi needs to be stopped.

Heidi shows up at the Institute to give them the names of the vampires who attacked the Jade Wolf, her entire demeanour is cultivating sympathy and putting up a front of the helpless victim. She is blaming her victims on being a new vampire and her crimes against Simon on Lilith, then bringing up Raphael to cause discourse between Alec and Izzy. Not only is she trying to get the Institute on side, to get a clean slate, but also to get rid of the current clan Leader in order to insinuate herself into the leader position in the clan.

Luke tells Clary that he is pleading guilty because he wants to keep the Shadow World secret and atone for abandoning the pack; he doesn’t want the police to dig deep because when he told Ollie it ended with more people dying and her in danger. He cannot feel responsible for any more suffering or deaths. Through the entire conversation with Clary he can barely look her in the eye, he knows that by doing this he is leaving her behind and cannot bear to watch her cry; he knows that his decision is not completely right and he might break under the pressure of Clary’s upset.

Clary is distraught that Luke seems to be making the decision to leave her, to abandon her; she needs all the support she can get right now and cannot bear the thought of being without her dad, the person who has always been there for her (I admit that I was crying, especially when she called her dad).  Although she might understand why he feels guilty, she does not understand his decision to take the punishment and abandon her.

Alec is debriefing the team who are going to be arresting the vampire and wants it to be carried out by the book because they cannot afford an incident like Jordan assaulting the clan leader; and I admit that I wanted to smack Underhill for turning the another Shadowhunter and snidely remarking ‘Now he wants to do thing by the book’ referring to him letting Magnus stay at the Institute. Not only did it annoy me but it also seemed out of character because he professed his respect for Alec in 3A and now he is making scathing remarks and openly disrespecting him to others.

Alec informs Izzy that Raphael needs to be brought in despite her protests and reference for his character, not matter what she feels about him he violated the accords and needs to answer for it. Just because they have a personal connection doesn’t mean the he gets a free pass when he breaks the law, Izzy understands Alec’s view and probably agrees with him, she is just torn because she has lingering affection for Raphael.

Aline is back! And she is not happy. She is furious that they let Jonathan escape when they had such a good opportunity to not only capture him but kill him; she understands the rune but knows how difficult it is going to be to capture him. She is still angry and hurting over Sebastian’s death, she wants justice for his murder; not only that but many Shadowhunters are dying in the pursuit of Jonathan. She is resentful that people are being allowed to die to protect Clary, she feels that her cousin doesn’t matter when compared to Clary.

Maia and Simon are angry at Alec for pardoning Heidi of her crimes; they know that she is the one behind the attack, they had put their hopes on the Institute bringing her in but instead they have fallen for her lies. Alec needs proof before being able to arrest her because she wasn’t at the scene of the crime, he is willing to bring her in but he needs to be able to justify it so that she can’t wriggle out of it later.

Again I am mad at Underhill, he is being very dismissive and rude to Magnus despite him being Alec’s partner, someone Underhill professed to respect and feel gratitude towards. He is taking out his frustration on Magnus which is not right, if he has an issue with the situation he should have spoken to Alec about it instead of becoming disrespectful towards him and Magnus.

Magnus definitely feels uncomfortable because he feels like he has done something wrong just by being there, he is at the Institute out of necessity not choice and he is being treated like a leper. He doesn’t want to live their permanently anymore than they want him there, and after everything Magnus has done for the Institute in his lifetime (including taking in one of their own, Jace) it is disappointing that they cannot even show basic decency towards him.

He seems very surprised and taken aback by Underhill talking about his and Alec’s relationship issues, this is understandable because literally 30 seconds ago this Shadowhunter was telling him he doesn’t want him to live in their building and now he is discussing his relationship issues. It has to be very disconcerting to have someone you don’t know, know about your relationship issues.

Raphael is very happy to see Izzy, despite the circumstances; he understands that he has to answer for what he did and atone for those crimes. He has been trying to atone in his own way by helping at the centre and we saw him burning himself with holy water at the beginning of the episode. He knows that he did some terrible things and is prepared to pay the price for that.

Izzy is clearly upset but she knows that she has a duty to uphold the accords no matter who broke them, she seems a little relieved that Raphael isn’t resentful and understand her position. I like that she helps him finish cleaning up before they leave; they do have good chemistry and many sweet scenes but for me it is all tainted by the toxic past they have shared. Although I do think that they have genuine affection for each other I don’t think they could have a healthy functional relationship because of their previous dual addiction.

I really enjoyed the sparring scene between Clary and Aline, the choreography is fantastic and the actress’ carry the emotion behind the scene brilliantly. Aline’s anger at Clary, and Jonathan, really comes through in not just her moves but her words too. You can feel the tension and hostility rise throughout the scene, keeping you on the edge of your seat until that final moment.  

Aline is completely provoking Clary by talking about Jonathan, their connection and not holding back when she strikes her; she wants to hurt Jonathan via Clary but she also wants Clary to understand why she’s angry. Clary is trying to understand but Aline is definitely getting to her and you can see her lose her patience little by little, but her beating of Aline is completely over the top and you can see that in that moment she is acting almost out of body. When Jace breaks them apart you can see how horrified at her actions and the level of violence she has inflicted.

The exchange between Magnus and Alec about Underhill being handsome is hilarious, most especially Magnus’ expression and Alec’s bafflement. Magnus voices his concerns about Alec talking about their problems ‘to the entire Institute’ I think he words it this way because to him Underhill is just another Shadowhunter and he didn’t know that Alec might consider him a friend, which is why it was so out of the blue for him, and why he is a bit uncomfortable. Plus, he was not expecting Alec, who is not known for opening up, to have spoken to anyone outside his family about their relationship.

Alec is confused about Magnus’ feelings because he didn’t see talking to Underhill as an issue because he views him as a friend and because he is the only other gay Shadowhunters that he knows of. But once Magnus begins explaining he understands why he’s upset, he knows that maybe talking to someone who was a completely stranger to Magnus might not have been the best thing, or he should have at least mentioned Underhill to Magnus. Especially when he knows they were bound to interact during Magnus’ stay; he didn’t think it was a big deal but can see why Magnus would be unnerved.

I cannot help but laugh when Alec remarks about Magnus’ being jealous, he is so happy at the possibility because jealousy means that Magnus doesn’t want to lose him and is nervous about Alec finding someone else. He has never had anyone love him that way, and treasure him so much that they are scared of someone else taking them away. Matt played this brilliantly.

I don’t think that Magnus was really jealous though, I think that he was surprised by Alec opening up to someone who wasn’t family and for that person to be good looking too. He wants Alec to have friends, but with his reserved nature Magnus wasn’t expecting him to have spoken to another Shadowhunter about their relationship. I think that there might only have been the slightest bit of jealousy because Magnus knows that their difficulties was caused by their differences in age, experience and culture; and to be faced with a handsome Shadowhunter, who is the same age as Alec who he feels comfortable talking with must be a bit scary.

The rune is continuing to pull Clary and Jonathan together, strengthening the bond between them as time passes because even though she threatens to call the Institute she should have already done it. It seems that although she cannot explain it and despises it part of her cares about him or at least doesn’t want to kill him.

Jonathan is determined that they will be together, convinced that part of her loves him because he is her brother; he so desperately wants her to love him that he is projecting that onto her and he will do anything he can to convince her to join him. It’s a great little scene and they both do a great job of creating tension and showing the push and pull of the twinning rune.

Maia confronts Heidi, determined that Heidi will either turn herself in or die for what she has done; Maia is not going to let her get away with killing her pack. Heidi is convinced no one can touch her, she conveys a real sense of invincibility and is under the impression that she is untouchable, this only makes her more dangerous because if she thinks she is free of consequences she will do anything she wants to.

It was very clever of Maia to use Holy water against Heidi and a vindictive justice that its effects are similar to silver poisoning, which she inadvertently inflicted on Jordan. I am so glad that Heidi is dead, with all the hurt she has caused and all the trouble she was bound to cause everyone is better off with her gone, and if anyone deserved to be the one to kill her it was Maia. But I almost wish that she hadn’t because whether you want it to or not, whether it was deserved or not, murdering someone changes you as a person. I don’t like that in order to get justice for her pack Maia had to become a killer.

Clary goes into some sort of trance and burns herself in the fire, it is obvious that the rune is influencing her behaviour and it would be interesting to find out just how this occurs. Jonathan is pleased that Clary seems to be getting closer to coming to him, that she is being affected. When Jace grabs her she seems to come out of a kind of trance, not aware of what she was doing or the pain until that moment.

The scene of Izzy and Raphael saying goodbye if very sweet, there will always be a part of them that will care for the other. Emeraude and David have great chemistry and they almost portray these emotional moments between these characters really well, but as I said for me their scenes are always shadowed by the past addiction.

I was slightly disappointed that we have had no scenes between Magnus and Raphael, they have both been through so much in Season 3, and they have this wonderful familial bond yet we haven’t has a scene between them or them talking about the other. It would have been nice if we could have seen more of their relationship because they are both at a point where they need more support than ever. Plus, why would Magnus (if he had known) not come to say goodbye to Raphael especially if he doesn’t know when or if he will see him again.

Also, it seems a bit bad that they are sending Raphael to the Gard when they suspect Downworlders are being tortured there, but without proof they can’t do anything and when a crime is committed they go to the Gard. They would not have had any grounds to keep Raphael at the Institute.

Simon is disappointed in Maia, he wanted so much to bring Heidi in the right way and to get justice lawfully; he put everything into getting the proof they need and he probably feels a little bit betrayed that she went behind his back. He hated Heidi but he believes that you should always try to do things in accordance to the law, not take it into your own hands, because by doing that how are they better than her.

Maia is confused by Simon’s behaviour, she thought he would just be glad that Heidi is gone and understand why she did it. Everyone is better off without Heidi and she believes that she has done the right thing by killing her, and she doesn’t understand why Simon doesn’t see it this way.

I know that there has been a lot of talk about Simon being a hypocrite in this scene because he killed another vampire in 2B and I completely understand that. However, from what I remember in that scene the other vampire attacked Simon first when he confronted him about killing that mundane and Simon acted out of self defence. Afterwards he was upset about what he had done, he hates hurting people and it horrified him that he had killed someone.

Whereas with Maia she intended to kill Heidi, yes she gave Heidi a chance to give herself up but Maia knew that she wouldn’t do that. Maia acted in revenge, she goaded Heidi into a fight and when into it with the intention of killing her. Afterwards, she felt no remorse for what she had done and was glad of it; she doesn’t think that what she did was wrong because of all the hurt Heidi caused.

So, I understand why people are upset and think that it looks like people are condemning Maia for killing when most of the other characters have killed too, but all situations are different. Do I think Maia was wrong to kill Heidi? No, Heidi was evil, killed many people and was only going to cause more harm. Was there a better easy to deal with her? Yes, they could have brought her in legally and that way everyone would have been aware of her crimes. As with many situations in Shadowhunters there are lots of sides, opinions and interpretations of scenes; but I do not think Maia is wrong or bad for killing Heidi, was there a better way yes, but I do not blame her for wanting to avenge her pack.

Alec tells Magnus that him living here isn’t a good idea because it is against the rules, throughout the episode with Izzy and Maia he has realised that he cannot forsake certain rules for his own gain; and how can he expected others, especially his subordinates, to abide by the rules if he doesn’t himself. As much as he wants to help Magnus and to live with him, to be a good Head of the Institute he needs to adhere by the protocols. Magnus completely understands, he knows how much Alec values his position and integrity; he would not want to do anything that would cause Alec problems.

Matt portrays Alec’s nervousness in this scene brilliantly; Magnus rebuffed his offer to move in once so he is unsure about asking again. But he loves him so much, wants to be with him and wants to share the same living space as him that he is willing put his heart and pride on the line in the hopes Magnus may have changed his mind.  I could scream with happiness when Magnus says yes, you can see the relief and happiness on Alec’s face and it is just such a sweet moment between them.

Then it all snowballs downhill when Magnus’ nose starts bleeding, he turns away from Alec in a attempt to hide it and not worry him; but Alec is scared, he has seen the blood and Magnus is not answering his multiple calls of his name. Magnus collapses, muttering something as Alec very gently lowers him to the ground after catching him.

I found out afterwards that Magnus is mumbling in Indonesian and it translates to ‘My head. Please help me. It hurts’ and I absolutely sobbed when I read this out. Not only is he is so much pain that he has reverted to his mother tongue but he is actually asking for help which we know he doesn’t like to do.

He starts shaking and Alec is panicking, calling for a medic. He is completely shocked about what is happening, scared because he doesn’t know why it’s happening and is desperate for help. I am an absolute sobbing mess. I was so emotional and full of adrenaline after this scene that I literally didn’t stop trembling for about 30 minutes.

So, I did really enjoy this episode; there were some fantastic emotional scenes, we finally got rid of Heidi and I am emotionally destroyed.

In 316, Clary is trying to get rid of her rune and Alec is desperate to save Magnus. We have been repeatedly warned that we are not prepared for the Malec scenes and Matt’s acting, I am screaming at just seeing one screenshot from the Malec sneak peek that I haven’t watched because I don’t watch any sneak peeks. I have stocked up on tissues but I know that there is nothing I can do to prepare myself for this episode. Help.

[sidpah]

Self-Portrait

I’m too late, ‘cause I’ve already given it all away… I would have you see a different man than the one who types in a foreign land touched by the meddling hands of a dozen different peoples, not looking to trade their culture’s wisdom but to strip the land of all that was of value… I’m as exhausted as these trampled streets, these thrashed jungles infested with foreign soldiers protecting their investments of ruby mines and narcotic crops… These filthy marketplaces mirroring the worst of the west… I feel this land’s pain, sweaty, asshole on fire from weapons-grade curry… Feet bare and stained black from disintegrating sandal felt smelling vaguely of stale vinegar…

One worn mala on left wrist strung from a seed whose name I’m too tired to recall... Night steals precious chemicals of communication… Ramakrishna? Ramirez? Rudraksha! Seeds are homage to a rival deity, Shiva. But he can’t be my rival because I’m a loner, no member of a team. I have no church, no faith, no dogmatic practice…

There are no gods left in Sidpah… they’ve all been driven into the sea… In their place is an amorphous web of beliefs constantly respun to create fresh, deceptively vibrant yet undeniably asymmetrical patterns… Sneezing. Spittle web strung from this bulldog face.

This is not how I would have you envision me. Not ten pounds overweight. Or twenty. Not greasy-scalped and hairy-shouldered. Not in boxers three days worn. Not with fresh semen dripping down inside of chaffed leg. Not delirious or deliriously lonely. Not a fermented berry of a man… Not wrung like a wrong number or my hands on a too-hot, two-handjob sleepless night of grey panel torture and anxiety whispers from the dark hollow faces cursing my room... There’s hardly a man to be seen. Sure, there’re fingers and hormones and tree sprouts of white matter, but this vacancy is my truest fingerprint…

Maybe I’m a long way from knowing anything of value – Maybe all these garish visions are only detours – Mara’s little tricks to keep me from realizing that he doesn’t even exist – From realizing how content I could remain, entwined in vines running tree cloud to packed sod – Kusa grass and prayers are sustenance – Filled with admiration for the holy, I feel lazy and defective. Unable to live up to my own nobility –

Body’s a common machine with subtly varied proclivities – This unit spins on tales of letters and adjectives – faulty electronics, broken strings, healed strangers expecting repetitious miracles… It refuses to sit on cushion for more than a few minutes of banal torture –

Who can I lie to but myself? I’m a bear born in the year of the horse who would rather be a bird cutting the sky over a tropical island free and clear. A bachelor, tried, tested and confirmed – Allow yourself to be there – The backs of my hands look offensively large and rough under this light. They’ll sink like a stone. Shatter a keyboard or a cheekbone. Split a vein down the middle. Play an ugly one-stringed melody. Too rarely thumb bodhi seed mala and chant for purity. Too rarely fold into mudra for health or circulation of prana. Never stroke her cheek, or twist knots in her auric hair, or slip surreptitiously beneath silk blouse... They’re always rough sand mortar and burlap, unwieldy bricks in a room of June bugs. And they are but one-twentieth of the whole… Our best features are sometimes the most ungainly –

Nothing can make you feel more self-conscious than an unsolicited portrait. Well here is my self-portrait whether I like it or not: My bones have turned russet from sweat and oil.  Tanned skin is painted to walls in gobs of brown and red…  Tribal tattoos – Whose tribe are they?  Hoary old stalactites…  I’m all moles and telengiectasia – Red spots threaten bloodletting – Black dots threaten melanoma – Porous brown bones contemplate fractures deprived of nutrients or forced upon by physical labor – Brain lies in wait for AVM to seize its chance – Colon responds same spastic way to grease, parasite or imaginary humiliation – Eyes grow longer causing me to see things closer and closer – Hair follicles poisoned by drugs, recreationally pharmaceutical, or maybe genetics, give up their will to push – Gums infected ruby red rather than healthy coral, so says dentist. Veins are thick with stony plaque – Torso (most dangerous place) thick with roll of collected fat – Heart overworked and underpaid – Adrenal glands jacked up, depleted, now wilted and suffering, unable to respond with proper chemical dialogue – Convenient codified diagrams of peptide sound – Sinuses full and swollen shut, fine steroid mist unable to penetrate packed cavity – Lungs full of soot and yellow phlegm –

Every cell now thriving, still dying – Skin losing elasticity – Will losing control over mind – Erection still works, though one testicle aches like it’s being tapped continually by a tiny spoon – Mandible muscles tight, jaw crunches clicks, teeth grind with stress or over-taught concentration watching repetitions of breath – Blood cells becoming ineffectual against infection – Antibodies awaiting a battle they will eventually lose – Thus far, all wars have been successfully fought – winning streaks can’t last forever – And still I manage to sit and laugh – this trivial life away –

I’m a fictional beast, leaden of feet and shaggy of back. Reptilian face and beady squint eyes size up each flickering movement for a taste of prey I pray never to taste. A pitiful mirror painted on fat chest reflects the vulgarities of the external world, ignoring the vulgar black tain of my own soul...

Disbelief in my own soul reflects the myopia of others that I live to destroy, condemning them to feel equally base – And I grin knowingly, all the while knowing nothing...

Fixating on microscopic sensation of flesh, the intangible workings of my own conscious thoughts… I dwell until they are their own universes, fashioning civilizations of bigotry, torture and carcinogens. I can see clearly with distaste every vile behavior yet reenact, reenact, justify and reenact them all until I swoon from degradation, frustration, stupidity and self-pity...

I can never be a martyr because I lack a cause. Mild disinterest, no more acerbic than a warm glass of soymilk. I’m neither political nor spiritual. Not even secular because I don’t believe in distinctions. I’m a realist who finds all phenomena to be thoroughly unreal... I will leave nearly all stones unturned and all books unread. The meager knowledge accumulated in my lifetime just so many dusty trinkets in a collapsing display case. One leg bound to give out and destroy the few items of relative value buried within... Whose gain? Whose loss? I’m a beggar for salvation. But I’m too proud to take a teacher’s charity... Lift my head to the warm eclipse of Sunrays, devastating in their splendor… And degraded I sigh, sheepishly grin, and turn away where my mind fondles something or someone else, distracting itself from the fact that I will never be attractive to society…

I’m a rare beast. I know what I want and also why I shouldn’t want it. It doesn’t curtail the cravings, but it makes me feel guilty and ridiculous for desiring them in light of this knowledge… Like lusting for a hammer when you have to drive a screw into the wall. Like lusting for a screwdriver when you have no walls or screws. I’m an unfortified mess…

What is a mess? These parts are not this man. There’s no man, but a mash of aggregates held in six-foot net – And these parts are not eternal. They are already replaced! Even this outer shell replaced every twenty-eight days! These transient parts are not even these parts! They are particles of energy with no essence to be ashamed of!

My atoms are shinier than your atoms! My electrons are faster than your electrons! My protons look better in a bikini! My neutrons have reached higher states of meditative bliss!

My anger is crimson and molten as your anger. My love as passionate and fleeting as your love, and my wisdom as deep and true as your wisdom. It’s only our learning, stilted and prejudiced that keeps us from knowing this. That keeps me from knowing that I am not these emotions. I am not these colors, melanin, blood, bile, iron…

I am not this face or hands or organs, not this beard, or these callused soles. I am not a brain running strings of 0s and 1s. I am not recollections of old escapades, not every movie watched or novel read with this body placed in role of protagonist – I am not a list of preferreds, a list of don’t-likes, a list of aspirations, a list of disappointments to be avenged, or sulked upon each day to keep their memories alive – flowers on their headstones… I am not the photograph friends, family, acquaintances carry in their tattered wallets – The image they try to bind me to expecting a scripted response to their own erratic behaviors… Unaware that they are not they as much as I am not I. And I am not an I – I am a We, I am an Us, I am a No! I am a Bah! I am infinitely manageable, malleable, fallible…

My mistakes are empty as all the things I ever got right and then wished like hell I hadn’t... All the battles I ever thought I won. All the dreams I ever woke from disappointed to be awake... Cravings repressed until the cauldron boiled over, and I binged night and day until the urges were sated –(Mara kicked back with a cigar and a smug grin…) All the technology I bought then broke, couldn’t find a use for, discarded or lost on dusty shelves in a cluttered basement – All those times I was inches from death, and relieved, died anyway, unbeknownst to this pathological brain – It can’t comprehend that I’ve already perished, that I’m eternally here, already in my final and only and everlasting incarnation as a sublime manifestation of life eternally creating itself – But if it can’t comprehend it, how was it thought, considered, written, embraced, known? I am more than any of us will ever understand. And maybe this is all there is to know –

[bittersweetmelodie]

cycle

Fandom: RWBY Pairing: Blake Belladonna/Sun Wukong, past Blake Belladonna/Adam Taurus Summary: Because she’s too good at running away, and they’re too good at being left behind; a Blake character study of sorts. Warnings: The first part touches on the relationship between Blake and Adam, so warning for violence, I guess? 

Ao3

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and places belong to Rooster Teeth

A/N: asdfjkl, I was supposed to post this last week and I!!! I’m so bad with deadlines, omg. I think I sold my soul to finish this, guys. I actually wanted to add more, but I’m so tired right now. 

“Adam, stop!” she yells as she brings Gambol Shroud up to block him. But his attack is so powerful that she is forced to dig her heels into the ground to stop herself from being blown away. It seems like their relationship has always been like that – him constantly pushing and pushing and pushing, and her digging her heels uselessly into the ground and trying not to be blown away by the sheer force of him. And she hates it.

He doesn’t give her a chance to recover from the blow before he is bearing down on her again, his sword pushing hard against her own. “How do you expect to win a war fighting like that, sweetheart?” In one swift movement, he knocks her off her feet and flips his chokutō, slamming the hilt into her stomach with so much force that it sends her flying.

She lands roughly, her face hitting the mud, the rain pouring down relentlessly around her. She struggles to breathe through the blood dripping from her nose, and the metallic taste in her mouth as she pushes herself to her hands and knees. She brings a hand to her nose and stares at the blood on her fingers, her head spinning. Blood dribbles down her chin and she watches dazedly as red splatters the ground, mixing with the mud, before being washed away by the rain.

“Get up, my darling” he orders, his voice calm, as he levels his sword at her. “We aren’t done yet.”

She knows she can’t win, because if he really wanted to, he could easily slice through her katana with his blade. Their battles always end the same way, with her bleeding and broken on the ground, and him standing above her. But it’s like she wants to prove that she can do it, prove that she’s strong enough, and she tries to push herself to her feet, spots swimming in her vision. Pain surges through her and she blacks out, only for a minute, but it’s long enough for her to stagger and fall back to the ground. 

When her vision clears, she finds herself staring at Adam’s mask, and she can’t tell if he’s concerned for her well-being, or if he’s satisfied with how beat up she is, and that scares her.

He pulls her into his arms, and the gentleness of the action is such a huge contrast to the violence of their fight that she nearly startles out of his arms. “I’m sorry. Did I push you too far?”

It’s not the first time he’s asked her that question; it isn’t the first time he’s pushed her to the point of aura depletion during a fight, and she’s sure it won’t be the last. Her answer is always the same. “No,” she whispers. 

She screws her eyes shut and hisses in pain when he brushes his hand against the bruise on her stomach. She clings to him and wonders when things had changed, when it went from him telling her ‘I’ll always protect you’ to her wondering if he would protect her from himself.

Because most of the scars and bruises on her body are from him. It had been gradual – first, it was just a backhanded slap that left a mark that lasted for a couple minutes, then it was a punch a cross her jaw that left a bruise that lasted for a few days, then it was a slash across her arm that left a scar that’s still there today. He doesn’t wait for the bruises and scars to go away before new ones take their place. She hadn’t noticed then, because it had always been in the context of a spar, but she can see it now in the scars on her arms, her back, her torso. She can see it in the blood she coughs out days after their fights are over and done.  

She lets him press a kiss against her lips, and if he’s a little rougher than he usually is, she doesn’t say anything. He pulls her to him, his nails digging painfully into her back, and bites her lip hard enough to draw blood.

She kisses him back, and there’s a sense of urgent desperation, because she’s trying so hard to remember why she fell in love with him. She’s trying to hold on to the last strands of what they used to be – what he used to be – but it feels like trying to hold sand, and he’s slipping right through her fingers.

She stands on the edge of the train car, golden eyes boring into the face of his mask.

She’s conflicted, because this is Adam. Adam, who took care of her when her parents left, and she refused to go with them. Adam, who told her, once upon a time, that he would always love and protect her, who held her as she cried after her first kill. Adam, who told her she was everything he ever wanted and that they would make the world a better place together.

This is Adam, who wouldn’t hesitate to throw her against a wall, or slam the hilt of his chokutō against her, despite knowing that she has almost no Aura left. Adam, who took out his anger on her when a mission didn’t go as he planned. Adam, who pushed and pushed until she couldn’t push back anymore. Adam, who would pull her into his arms after a rough fight, and whisper comforting words in her ear. Words that made her feel like maybe the person she fell in love with is still in there somewhere.

But he changes. She knows it in the bruises that line her body, and the scars hidden beneath her clothes. She knows it in the way he doesn’t hesitate to attack, hurt, kill innocent people, all to make a statement. She knows it in the way he holds her, rough and aggressive and painfully tight.

She changes too. She knows it in the way guilt pools in her stomach and eats away at her conscience, even as she justifies his actions to herself. She knows it in the way his kisses start tasting bitter and wrong on her tongue. She knows it in the way he doesn’t let her take his mask off the way he used to, like he’s trying to hide who – what – he’s become, and she doesn’t think she’ll recognize the person underneath anymore.

She’s tired of watching him kill innocent people, tired of lying to herself, of justifying his actions and of pretending that nothing is wrong. She can’t stand this endless, pointless cycle of pain – they fight, she bleeds and hurts and cries, they kiss and make up, and it starts all over again. He’s not the person she fell in love with, and the White Fang isn’t an organization of peace. Not anymore.

So she reaches up and draws Gambol Shroud, her hand tightening around its hilt. “Goodbye,” she says with a note of finality in her voice. She brings her weapon down, separating the two train compartments. And she feels like she’s severing herself from Adam, from the White Fang, cutting all emotional ties. But that’s a lie. She knows that he’s been too big of a part of her life for her to be able to completely separate herself from that, and there’s a sinking feeling in her chest that tells her she hasn’t seen the last of him yet.

She watches him drift further and further away until he finally disappears. There’s a bittersweet taste in her mouth, and a hole in her chest, because she’s glad – so, so glad – that she escaped, but the White Fang was her entire life. And in spite of everything, she still feels guilty for leaving Adam (her mentor, her partner, her lover), for leaving Ilia, for leaving her family. But she hasn’t felt this free in a very long time, and she thinks she can probably live with the guilt.

The first couple weeks are the hardest. She is so used to having Adam and Ilia at her side, and suddenly they aren’t there anymore. She didn’t realize how much she’s come to rely on Adam during fights, and defending herself against Grimm is a lot more difficult when it’s just her. And she’s so full of negative emotions – with fear, and loneliness, and doubt – that she seems to be constantly surrounded by Grimm.

She learns to defend herself because her life depends on it. An ursa teaches her to never turn her back to the enemy, because Adam is not there to watch her back anymore. A boarbatusk and a nevermore teach her to be aware of her surroundings at all times, because Adam is not at her side, and there is nobody to defend her but herself.

She doesn’t really know what to do with herself. She’s been a part of the White Fang for as long as she can remember, and it’s all she’s ever known. She can’t go home; the guilt weighs too heavily on her, and she can’t face her parents yet, not after the angry words she threw at them in a fit of rage, not after all the things she’s done.

She applies for Beacon Academy, because Huntsmen and Huntresses are noble, brave and selfless, and she has to do something to undo some of the violence that she had a hand in creating.

There’s nowhere she can go where people won’t judge her for the ears on top of her head, so she dons a bow and wears it like a shield, hiding who she is and what she’s done, and hopes she’s making the right choice.

Learning to work with a new partner is a struggle. Adam has been her only partner ever since he taught her how to fight, and she isn’t as in sync with Yang. She and Adam have fought together for so long that they can read each other like a book, and fight like they’re a single entity. No words are ever needed; she can look at him, and know exactly what he’s going to do next. He’ll give her a nod, and she’ll know what he wants her to do. But everything about Yang is new and different, and she doesn’t know if she can trust her to have her back.

Learning to fight as a team is even harder, and learning to trust them is harder yet. She doesn’t sleep for her first few nights at Beacon – how can she, when she’s surrounded by people she barely knows, and there’s nobody to keep a lookout? It takes her a week and a half to be comfortable enough around them to get a full nights’ rest. The first time Yang casually throws an arm across her shoulders to point something out to her, she draws her weapon and very nearly takes off her arm.

But as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months, she learns and grows and heals, until fighting with the rest of Team RWBY starts to become like second nature, and they start to become something of a family to her. She starts to take down some of her walls; she stops looking for something in the shadows that isn’t there; she stops jumping at every small sound. She even lets Yang pull her into a group hug with very little resistance.

But there will always be some walls that she’ll never take down. There are parts of her that she will never willingly let her teammates – her friends – see.

She meets a boy with sunshine in his hair and gold in his heart, who shines brighter than anybody she’s ever known. And she thinks his name – Sun – is befitting, because he radiates warmth and happiness.

She learns about him in bits and pieces over tea and coffee at the quaint little teashop off the docks of Vale; he’s like an open book with nothing to hide. She never has to ask, but he tells her anyways.

She learns that his team is the first real family that he’s ever really had, and even though they’re crazy, he loves them, and would do anything to make sure that they’re safe. She learns that Sage is their team mom, that Neptune is afraid of water, that Scarlet is an annoying idiot.

She learns that his favourite colour is blue, like the ocean on a sunny day. She looks at him, and swears she can see the world reflected in his eyes, and she thinks her favourite colour might be blue too.

She learns that, unlike her, he’s an early riser; he likes to wake up before sunrise and watch the sun come up, because he likes watching the world light up. She thinks it’s fitting, because that’s what he does – he makes the world a brighter place. She remembers Adam telling her once that he likes watching the sun set, because it’s like the world is being cloaked in shadows. And she thinks maybe that’s fitting too.

She knows that he cares for her in a way that’s different than the way he cares for Neptune, or Scarlet, or Sage – he wears his heart on his sleeve, and looks at her with stars in his eyes and treats her with a gentleness that shouldn’t exist in a person who has gone through as much hardship as he has.

She tries to keep her walls up for fear of corrupting him, but he can take them down so much faster than she can put them back up again. So she tells him stories too, not her whole history, but she shares bits and pieces.

She tells him about her parents, how her father is one of the bravest people she knows, and how her mother is one of the sweetest, but she doesn’t tell him about how they left the White Fang, or how she called them cowards (she’s sure he won’t judge her for it, but she’s not sure if she’s ready for him to know that much).

She tells him about how her team, while not her first, has slowly become a family to her. She tells him how Ruby is the baby, even if she is the leader, how Yang would do anything to protect them, how Weiss is strong and independent, despite how she was raised.

But she doesn’t think she’ll ever tell him how much he actually means to her, because he is everything that is pure and bright and good, and she thinks she might break him if she tries to hold him with her bloodstained hands.

She stands on the roof of a nearby building, watching helplessly as Grimm continue to destroy Beacon (her home, she vaguely registers), and she clenches her fist. She’s been standing there for the past five minutes, because she doesn’t want to go. She hadn’t expected to make friends when she applied to Beacon, but there are people here that she loves more than her own life, people she doesn’t want to leave – Ruby, Weiss, Yang. Sun. She feels her heart clenching at the thought of Sun, but it only cements her decision to leave. Adam’s words still echo in her head, and the image of Yang’s severed arm is still fresh in her mind. She can’t put any of them in that kind of danger.

She crouches, ready to make another jump, but she falters when she hears somebody calling out to her. She didn’t think anybody had seen her leave.

“Blake!” Her name echoes and reverberates through the quiet of the night.

She would know that voice anywhere, could pick it out in a crowd of thousands of others, and right now, she thinks it might be the only voice capable of making her stay. She turns, and their eyes meet, blue and gold colliding for just a moment, but that’s all it takes for her to pause. Because, even from 50 feet away, she can see the desperation on his face as he tries to reach her.

He lifts an arm to reach for her, and he opens his mouth, his lips forming her name, and his stance is all too familiar to her. It’s that moment on the train all over again – she’s running, leaving behind everything that she knows, and the one person who might have an inkling of a chance of persuading her to change her mind is trying to get to her. But Sun isn’t wearing a mask, and his face is honest and open, and somehow, that makes it all worse. Because it’s a reminder that this time, she isn’t choosing to run – she’s being forced to leave to keep her loved ones safe.

She forces herself to tear her eyes away from his, because she’s afraid that if she watches him a second longer, she’s going to lose all her willpower, and give in to her desire to talk to him. Turning away from Sun is one of the hardest things she’s ever done, but she can’t give him the chance to catch up, because he might be the only person who would be able to convince her to stay. He has too much power over her, and she’ll melt in his hands. She would probably give him anything he wants – he only has to ask – and she can’t take that risk.

With a heavy heart, she takes a deep breath and jumps off the roof, his desperate plea following behind her. She can hear him scrambling to follow her as she disappears into the Emerald Forest, but she’s always been too good at running away, and he’s too good at being left behind.

This time, she doesn’t say goodbye.

Sun crashes back into her life when she least expects it – on a boat, thousands of miles from shore, in the middle of a Grimm fight – and she’s not sure why she’s surprised to see him – he would probably follow her to the ends of the earth to make sure she’s safe (and she loves him for it, but she wishes he wouldn’t).

The relief comes first, washing over her in waves. Sun is alive. He was fine when she last saw him, but with Adam’s threat lingering, a million and one things could have happened to him in the time between her running away, and now. So she is relieved to see, with her own eyes, that he is unharmed.

Then it’s fear, because he’s here, and that means he’s not safe. He’s never going to be safe if he’s with her. Because this boy – this boy who spreads warmth and happiness wherever he goes, who can light up an entire room with just his smile – would die to save a girl who isn’t worth saving. She can already see his unconscious body in the back of her mind, and it fills her with cold dread. She can’t let that happen.

Then it’s anger, because she doesn’t know how else to handle the fear. Her words are sharp, and meant to hurt; she’ll do anything – absolutely anything – to keep him away from her, even if it means he will hate her for it. Having him hate her is better than having to see him get hurt because of her. But of course her anger doesn’t work – he always did have the uncanny ability to see through her rough exterior.

It isn’t until much later, when the Grimm has been defeated, and the passengers reassured, that she feels the warmth spreading through her. The hollow feeling of loneliness has been eating at her for the past couple weeks since she left Vale. She didn’t realize that between her team, Sun, and his team, she hasn’t truly been alone for a long time, and now that she is, the silence that surrounds her is deafeningly loud. It’s nice to have somebody to talk to again, and Sun has always made her feel warm and safe and protected.

“Well, I’m coming with you.” He says the sentence like it should be the most obvious route for him to take – to follow her, and protect her – and she doesn’t understand what he sees in her that would be worth risking his life for.

She opens her mouth so say something – to say you can’t come, it’s not safe, or to tell him off, to say something that will make him hate her – but he’s looking at her with eyes the colour of the ocean, and she swallows her words. She was right; he has too much power over her – he makes her weak, and she can’t say no.

She’d been right to be scared, because now he’s bleeding out in front of her, his life fading, his breathing shallow, and his blood flowing from his wound like a river, staining her hands and sleeves a red so deep that she thinks she will never quite get rid of it.

She tears through the night with Sun in her arms, leaving a bloody trail behind her. With each passing second, with each drop of blood that hits the ground, the panic and fear in her throat builds, and she feels like she’s suffocating. By the time she reaches her house, his face is ashen, and she can barely hear his breathing. Please, she thinks, please, please let him be okay.

“Mom! Dad!” she means for voice to come out much louder, but there isn’t enough air in her lungs, and she can barely manage more than a strangled gasp. She stumbles over the front steps and falls to her knees, desperately clutching Sun to her chest.  

Fortunately, her parents heard her crashing through the front door, and they come running. Her father takes one look at the boy dying in her arms and takes him from her shaking hands to lay him on the couch. He removes Sun’s bloodied shirt to get a better look at the wound.

Kali hands her Sun’s shirt (Sun’s blood-soaked shirt) and moves to obscure her view of Sun’s unconscious body. “Your father and I will take care of Sun’s wound. Why don’t you clean his shirt? If we don’t wash it now, it’ll be impossible to get out later.”

She numbly takes the shirt with frozen fingers and walks over to the kitchen sink as if she’s in a trance. She turns on the water and fills the kitchen sink without really thinking about what she’s doing, and submerges the shirt. But the tears blur her vision, and all she can see is the redness of his blood seeping into the water.  

She sobs quietly to herself, her shoulders trembling violently, as she tries desperately to rub the bloodstain out of his shirt, but no matter how hard she scrubs, she can’t seem to get rid of the deep, deep red. She drops the shirt into the bloodstained water and sinks to the ground. She stares at her shaky hands, the blood water dripping down from her hands to her arms, and she wants to laugh at the irony of it, because now she has Sun’s blood on her hands, both figuratively and literally.  

She doesn’t know how long she sits on the kitchen floor with tears running down her cheeks before her mother comes into the kitchen to get her, a tired smile on her face.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she says. She kneels down next to Blake and gathers her into his arms. “He’s going to be fine.”

“I – I did that to him,” she whispers, stumbling over her words. “I did that.”

“No, sweetheart, no.” Her mother says, shushing her. “This is not your fault. You weren’t the one who stabbed him.”

But I might as well have, she thinks. She sobs into her mother’s shoulder as her mother combs her hand through her hair and whispers comforting words into her ear.

Sun wakes a few days later in the early afternoon, and her heart nearly leaps out of her chest, because he’s alive. She knows he’s alive, but hearing his voice somehow makes it more real.  

He wakes with a lecture about how she’s being stupid and selfish by pushing her friends out, and what is basically a promise to protect her, regardless of what might happen to him.

She’s glad that her mother falls through the door when she does, because if she hadn’t, she might have done something stupid; she might have leaned over and kissed Sun, she might have told him she loves him. And doing that would be dangerous. That’s one more person Adam can use against her; it’s one more reason for Sun to throw himself in front of her.

He wakes to the news that there is a war brewing, and Adam is standing right in the middle of it. This is a crossroads for her, and she has a choice to make.

She can keep running, just as she’s doing now. She has every reason to stay away. Because Adam’s words still haunt her nights, and the image of Sun’s lifeless body might be permanently burned into her mind. Every fibre of her being is screaming at her to keep him away. She can’t risk losing him. Not again.

She glances at Sun, and is surprised to see the fiercely determined look on his face. Haven, she remembers, is where he attended school, and if his team was his first real family, then Haven might have been his first real home.

So she can keep running. Or she can go to Mistral and fight against the White Fang. Because this war is so much bigger than her history with the White Fang, her history with Adam. There are so many people at risk, people who might die if she doesn’t do something. After all, isn’t this what she’s been training for?

She stands, her hands clenched into fists, and all eyes are on her. She’s done running. She’s done letting her fears control her, done letting Adam’s words dictate her every move. She can’t keep running from her past and her mistakes; it’s finally time she does something to fix some of what is wrong with the world. And she’ll start with the White Fang.

“No,” she says, her voice hard. “We’re not going to destroy the White Fang. We’re going to take it back.”

This time, she doesn’t run, because she feels like she can take on the world with him at her side.

She wakes up to sunlight filtering in through her window, and Sun’s feather-light touch on her bare back, tracing lines and patterns, like her back is a canvas, and he’s drawing a picture. She hums contently as she lets her face drop back onto her pillow, basking in the warm glow of the early morning sunlight.

“Where did you get this scar?” he asks quietly, running a finger gently along a jagged line on the small of her back. He does this a lot – asks about her scars so they can string together the story of her life. But she has so many that there are days when she thinks there will never be enough time for her to tell him about all of them.

She mumbles something into the pillow before pushing herself up onto her elbows and twisting around to see what he’s talking about. “Ursa attack,” she mumbles, her voice still hoarse and grainy from sleep. “It was stupid. I turned my back to it for just a second, and it got me. It was right after I left the White Fang, and I guess I was too used to having Adam there to watch my back. It was just different, fighting by myself, without a partner.”

He presses a soft kiss to the scar and moves on. “What about this one?” He traces a scar that runs from her right shoulder, across her back, all the way down to her left hip.

She stills, because she knows exactly which scar it is, and where it came from. She knows what the scar looks like without having to look in a mirror: a thin, clean line that looks like it was made by the edge of a sharp object.

“Blake?” he asks, his voice concerned, when she doesn’t say anything.

“It was from Adam’s sword,” she finally says. She turns to face him, and his eyes are hard, his jaw clenched. She swallows the lump in her throat. It’s an old scar now, probably almost the colour of her skin and mostly faded, but it won’t ever really disappear. Kind of like Adam, who is nothing but a faded and distant memory, but he’ll always be there.

She closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath. “We had a mission that went wrong in every possible way, and he was –,” she takes a deep breath and gathers the sheets in her hands, clutching them tightly. “He was really angry. It was one of our worse fights, if I could even call it that.” She laughs hollowly, the memory causing her chest to tighten. “It was mostly him attacking, and me trying to defend myself.”  

His hand stills and he goes quiet, the rage rolling off him in waves. “I hate that he did this to you,” he mutters as he brushes his hand along her back. “I hate that –”

“I know, Sun,” she murmurs, shushing him. She hates them too, hates what they stand for, hates what Adam did to her, but they are a part of her, no matter how much she wishes they aren’t.

He presses a soft kiss to her right shoulder blade, where the scar starts, and trails butterfly kisses down her back, along the entire scar, and the action is so tender that it makes her throat close up. “You are more than the scars on your back, or what he did to you. You’re beautiful, Blake” he says, lips brushing against her skin. “Even with the scars. Or maybe because of the scars – they’re proof that you were stronger than him, proof of all the things that you overcame to become the person that you are today.” He leans up and presses his lips against hers. “And I love every part of who you are.”

She smiles against his lips and leans into the kiss. “I love you too.”

Sun makes her feel beautiful again. He traces her scars and kisses her bruises, and treats them like a map. And, in a way, she supposes they are a map, because each scar has a story, and they come together to paint the picture of her life. He leaves bruises too, draws his own map on her skin, not the kind that you get in a fight, but the kind you get along with whispered sweet nothings and entangled limbs, between sweat-soaked sheets, and she thinks maybe having a map on her skin might not be so bad.

A/N: Rotations started and my licensing exams are at the end of May, so I won’t be actively writing until then. Sorry guys!