#the amount of times i cried making this. i am so big sad it's over. 💔

[alexturner]

CREATING EVIL The Final Season

[judgementdayslittle]

Little reader's reaction to Mami and Papi ignoring her in favour of little Dom. Plus Mami and Papi realize that they've been neglecting little reader.

Oooh now, I love writing fluff, but this...This is my jam and butter. I am a SUCKER for hurt/comfort. So I will gladly write this one!

-Now Mami and Papi wuold never ignore you on purpose, and they're usually very good at giving you and Dom equal amounts of attention and care.

-But one day, Dom was not only sick, but in a VERY little headspace. A sick toddler was one thing, but a sick infant? That meant all hands on deck.

-Now they didn't neglect your basic needs. In the morning, Mami would sit you at the table with some toast and juice before quickly going to attent to Dom. Usually at least one of your caregivers would sit at the table with you and talk about what you wanted to do today.

-But instead, you quietly ate your breakfast. Hoping things would get better through out the day.

-Sadly things didn't get much better though. You were left to play all by yourself, which was so boring!

-When you tried to go to Dom's room to get them, they would quickly hurry you out of there. Their excuse being "We don't want you to get sick too honey."

-When you saw them outside of his room, you would try to get their attention then as well. When Papi was going to make a bottle for Dom, you tugged on his shirt.

-His reply being "Sorry cariño, can't play right now. I need to get Dom his bottle." He said, right before you can hear Dom's cries from upstairs.

-You were starting to lose hope, but then you had an idea! They would always praise you when you drew something for them, and they would always hang it on the fridge. Sometimes afterwards, they would all color with you!

-So you got to work. Trying to make the bestest picture ever with your crayons!

-Once you were all done, you hurriedly went upstairs to show them. Though you knew they would just shoo you away if you went into Dom's room. So you sat right outside, waiting for them.

-A half an hour later, Mami came out! You showed her your picture, expecting praise and cuddles and kisses!

-But instead you got a tired "That's great sweetheart. Excuse me, I have to get DomDom more medicine." She said before she rushed past you.

-At that point, you felt so sad and confused. Why were Mami and Papi ignoring you? Both you and Dom have been sick before, and they weren't like this back then!

-You were starting to think you did something bad. And now Mami and Papi were mad at you...

-So you sadly made your way to the time out corner. Sitting their with tears slowly falling down your face.

-A while later, Dom finally fell asleep. Giving Rhea and Damian some time to themselves. They decided to go downstairs to make a late lunch.

-They looked around for you to see what you wanted to eat, but they weren't expecting to find you sitting in the corner.

-Worried, Rhea spoke up first. "What are you doing over there sweetheart?" Rhea asked, grabbing you gently to turn you around. Once you faced her, she saw your tears and red puffy eyes.

-"Oh honey, what's wrong? Did something happen?" She asked in a soft, worried tone. Damian coming up to the two of you to help with the situation.

-"Mami Papi no love me no more..." You cry, making your caregivers hearts break.

-"That's not true baby! We love you so much! Why would you-"

-Then it hit them like a ton of bricks. How they haven't been paying much attention to you for the past few days. How they left you feeling all alone. And no matter how much you tried to reach out to them, they always brushed you off.

-They felt so incredibly bad about ignoring you. Rhea scoops you up in her arms and rocks you. Papi hugs you from the other side.

-"We are so sorry cariño." Papi said, "We were so worried about Dom, we didn't notice that you were hurting as well..."

-Mami continued, "We love you so much sweetheart, and we'll never stop loving you. Mami and Papi messed up big time. Can you forgive us?"

-Of course you do forgive them, you love them after all! You give them a biiiiiiiiig hug back!

-While Dom is sleeping, the three of you spend time together. Eating lunch at the table, playing with toys, and watching cartoons.

-When Dom does eventually get up, you feel scared that they might leave you alone again.

-But instead, Papi gets up and ruffles your hair. "I'm gonna go take care of Dom for a bit. But Mami's gonna stay right here with you so you're not lonely. Alright?" He said.

-You grin, happy that someone was going to stay here and keep you company.

-Mami ruffles your hair as well, "I think it's high time we have some Mami-Baby time today. And later on, you can have Papi-Baby time while I take care of Dom."

-You were happy with that arrangement. Papi gave you a kiss on the head before heading up to take care of Dom.

-After all that happened, you had never felt so loved!

[wrathofrats]

Do you have headcanons about transfem Ifrit that you would like to share? SFW or NSFW? 👉👈

Hi I have both thank you

Obvious disclaimer that I am not trans, if I get something wrong or say something incorrect pls feel free to correct me (nicely or I’ll cry LMAO)

Sfw, and then nsfw below the cut!

- I still don’t think she’s like super feminine, pretty masc. still your average gym rat

- does grow out her hair as long as possible though because she thinks it’s fun to style and likes the way her ponytail swooshes (she’s always been jealous of zephs hair let’s be real)

- sometimes gets bad mood swings. Mostly just feeling very sad over nothing or anxious, I don’t think she gets super angry often. Zephyr has had to get used to the speech of “no I’m not mad at you I love you very much I’m just in a bad mood” when ifrit cries because zephyr hasn’t said I love you today. She once cried because zephyr gave her part of their sandwich when she got back from the gym (they just weren’t hungry. They’d never tell her that though)

- the first time Zeph called her their girlfriend she also cried

- loves the way her body rounds out on hormones. Gains a bit more fat and makes her muscles less jagged, which makes her feel like a real weight lifter.

-really enjoys shaving. Like her skin is so soft and it makes her do a little happy dance when she gets to be all smooth (cumulus showed her the fresh sheets + fresh shave combo and it changed her LIFE)

Nsfw

- loses a decent amount of her libido. Really only has sex when someone else wants it besides some special occasions where she gets really needy.

- her tits get so fucking big. Like I’m talking she gets D cups. And they’re so fucking sensitive as well. Zephyr just adores them and loves to straddle her and play with them while she writhes beneath them. Sometimes as a special treat Zeph gets her in front of a mirror and makes her watch as they pluck and knead at them.

- pls just imagine her all sweaty peeling off a sports bra, breathing heavy and throwing her head back at the relief. Thank you.

- zephyr calls her cock her strap

-pathetic service top ifrit x condescending power bottom zephyr

- aether calls her cock a clit and won’t touch her unless she asks him to fuck her pussy. She learns soon enough and asks any ghoul to touch her cunt

[paladin--strait]

Prompt 5: “listen to me, everything is going to be alright.” W/ Jamie Drysdale @ reader

sorry this is so short! i couldn't really think of what i wanted jamie to comfort reader for and i'm sorry for it taking me so long to get this out!! seriously, so sorry! y'all i literally cried writing this...

tw: bad car accident, surgery, mentions of death, readers best friend is implied to be a christian but it's not said, comfort

-

when i got the call from my best friend's boyfriend that she had been in a horrific car accident early this morning and that she was the only one still living, my heart sank.

he told me they had taken her into emergency surgery and that she's been in there for a while. but he knew she would want me to be there, even though i would be freaking out.

jamie helped me pack a few things, not knowing how long we would be there and then drove me to the hospital. my leg bounced up and down and my nails were bitten down to a quick. my breathing was heavy and ragged, waiting for the nurses, doctors, and her boyfriend, adam, to tell me that she's gonna be okay.

when we pulled up to the hospital, we got out of the car quickly. jamie grabbed the bags, and we made our way inside. when i tried to sign us in, writing down names, addresses, and phone numbers, jamie had to set down the bags and write for me.

my shaking hands could no longer function from the amount of anxiety i was under. i can't even imagine what adam and her family must be going through.

the walk to the waiting room was long and despite the blazing heat outside, surprisingly freezing. earlier before we left, i snatched up a blanket from the couch in the living room, not sure if it was going to be cold in the waiting room or not. and now i'm glad i brought it.

adam's head perks up when he sees jamie and i, walking over to us. "adam, how is she? is she going to be okay? how are you holding up? where's her family?" my mouth is running at a hundred miles per hour before jamie stops me.

"baby, slow down, let him answer all your questions and then maybe you'll feel better." jamie sets down the bags in a chair, walking over to me and holding my hand. "i'm sure he knows the answers to your questions." jamie says with a smile, trying to comfort me.

i look back at adam, waiting for him to speak. but i don't see the face jamie made at him, hoping that he has the answers or to just make something up for now for my sake. adam sees how worried i am, and begins to speak.

"she's still in surgery, but as far as i know, she's doing well and she's gonna be okay. her family is on their way, a couple hours out on the plane." he says, slowly, making sure i process all the information.

"and you? how are you, adam?" i place a hand on his elbow, looking up at him with a disheartened expression. i nods, telling me that he's okay, just hoping that she makes it out of the surgery okay.

i nod, taking in the information a little bit at a time. a few minutes later, we're in our seats in the waiting room. jamie is holding my hand and rubbing my palm with his thumb. he's talking to me about afternoon skate from yesterday. he always tells me about it when he comes home, but i was asleep last night.

i hear what he's saying, and i'm processing the information, but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. "baby? did you hear what i said?" jamie says, poking his head out in front of mine, trying to search for attention from my distant eyes.

"yeah, uhm..." i say, snapping back into reality and rubbing my temple. "he took a really big fall and had to go to the medic..." i say, recalling the story about his teammate from my memory and turning to face him.

jamie has always cared about me on a deeper level than the usual boyfriend. he knows me inside and out. every flaw and every perfection. but, i've never seen him look at me like this before.

his face has contorted into a look of genuine concern and sadness. the waterline of his dark eyes is full with sparkling tears that have not yet fallen down his chubby cheeks. "baby...i'm sorry, about your friend. she's gonna be okay, i just know it." his words are soft like velvet, and smooth like caramel.

my eyes water, tears threatening to fall. "jamie...i'm so scared..." he pulls me into his arms, wrapping me in tight embrace. "what if..."

"sweetheart, no what ifs. only a when. when she's better, i'm sure that she'll be grateful to you for being here." he pulls away, cupping my wet face in his soft hands. "i'm sure of it. listen to me, everything is going to be alright." he pulls me into his arms once more while i cry, my anxious tears finally being let out.

-

hours have gone by and i'm now on the floor. i'm accompanied by jamie, who's behind me, leaning against the wall to prevent my back from hurting as much. his hands are resting on my hips while his face is nestled in my neck.

a nurse busts through the doors, and the three of us whip our head up, as we've been doing for every nurse that walks in. she looks at adam and calls my best friends name, we all stand quickly, walking to the nurse and waiting to listen to what she has to say.

"the surgery...was a success." her words calm us. i put a hand of my heart, feeling my steadying heartbeat. "but, unfortunately, she had a brain bleed, which we had not caught. it spread quickly throughout her brain. and...i'm so sorry, but..." the world around me buzzes while it becomes blurry.

i don't need to hear the rest of her words, only the cries of adam, while he falls to his knees on the white, cold, floor of the waiting room. tears leave my eyes slowly. it's unusual, you would think i would be sobbing, screaming my best friend's name while i fall backwards.

but instead of that, i find myself almost at peace with her passing. i can almost see her standing over adam, a hand on his shoulder while he cries. she's looking at me, no emotions on her pale face. i can tell that she was fighting. fighting for her life. but, the world had other plans for her.

she always loved the quote, "take her to the moon for me." and i can hear her saying it to me, speaking about her boyfriend, who kneels alone on the cool floor. i smile, tears barely falling as i kneel down to place an arm around adam.

"adam, she fought. she fought harder than her and we ever thought she could. her body was tired, and it needs its rest. i can tell you right now, she's always going to be with you. she wouldn't want us to be sad, she would want us to be happy that she's no longer in pain anymore, thats she's going to a place where she won't feel pain at all." my words soften his cries while he looks at me, eyes bloodshot and lip wobbling.

he thanks me, hugging me tighter than he ever had before. "thank you...thank you..." i nod and rub his back, sniffing.

i stand back up and look at jamie and he's looking at me, i can see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. i can tell he's unsure of whether he should cry or not, he barely knew her. but my jamie is a sweet boy, who cares about anyone and everyone that he's ever met or never met before.

i nod at him, signaling that he can let his tears go. he breaks down, sobs racking his body. i sniffle and hold him while we both cry in each others arms.

i can't help but imagine that she's there, waiting for us to leave so she can hand me her memories. the ones that i don't remember but she does, and the ones neither of us remember at all. she's waiting for me to be alone to remind me of all the good and bad times we've had. each of those moments creating a memory that may be forgotten, but truly lasts forever in our hearts.

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 27

what's playing: I'm Not in Love by 10cc

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: NSFW Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 4k

IMPORTANT a/n: Can you tell I'm out of a 5 month long depressive episode? LOL. Feeling motivative and creative. See you soon. Ask me questions!

December 1989

“So you don’t want to have sex anymore?” 

You pull your skirt up your legs, zipping it and spinning it back in place. You shoot a glance over your shoulder at the man nude on his headboard-less bed with a face of disgust. “No. I’m okay with having sex, I’m just like not looking to make you breakfast and prance around your living room in your shirts or whatever.” You shrug, pulling on your blouse and tiptoeing to your kitten heels. 

He scoffs, “That's what all women say, they usually mean the complete opposite. I’m not stupid Andrea.” 

You giggle, “I am not all women. I’m just not interested in a relationship, we both made that clear when we started fucking.” Back in October when he placed his large hand on the open belly of your cowgirl costume and it was the right amount of warmth at the right time. Your co-worker Jaya shot you a thumbs up from across the club and you stumbled out onto the brisk streets of Soho. “You never seemed to be interested in me being your girlfriend until this conversation.”

Christian stands to his feet, nude and you’re getting that clarity you get after having sex with a man that isn’t–well. You scurry towards your discarded coat on his lazy boy. You have got to stop fucking men in finance, their homes are like poorly decorated castles. Maybe he does need a damn girlfriend. “You fucking city girls and your backwards ways of thinking. You’ll never have the life you want with this attitude.”

You shoot him a glance and cackle loudly. “Please, I lived in Texas most of my life there is no city girl in me. I am just a girl who knows what she wants, you’ll find us anywhere you go.” You sling your purse over your shoulder, you know your toes are going to freeze off on your way to the subway. You’re not fully acclimated to the bitter cold of New York City yet but you make it work.

You made the move abruptly after learning they were cutting the pay of non-tenured teachers fifteen percent. The second you found out your colleague Jaya Sandros was taking a recertification exam to teach in New York City, you packed up your birds and made the big move. Of course your mother cried on the phone asking if it was her coldness that made you seek the cold elsewhere but truthfully it had nothing to do with her. You were nearly over being angry with your mother, you knew that she was only growing older and you might die if you continued to be so angry and sad all the time. 

You also knew that the decision to move to New Orleans was a Javier-adjacent decision which is what you called those things these days. A decision made because it reminded you of him. And although you weren't truly over him you decided that it was time to strip yourselves of things that reminded you of the past. 

When the cold approached you the very first time just a month ago you sat on your couch with your birds in tears. You wanted to call him so badly this thanksgiving. You wanted to tell him that you forgive him, that you aren’t angry anymore, that you understand the betrayal he’s gone through. Thank god for your therapist. You knew he probably won't be celebrating Thanksgiving in Colombia but you hoped he ate something good, you hoped he wasn’t alone like you were. 

Although you weren’t as alone as you were in New Orleans.

Life was more vibrant in New York. You had a solid group of friends, a night life, a work life and a sex life. You smiled nearly everyday, hosted wine nights and got your nails done. 

“You don’t know what you want Andrea. You told me the second time we had sex that this is your fourth state in 6 years!”

You look at him once more and fight the urge to laugh again. “Bye Chris. Lose my number.” You say as you slam the door behind you and wobble down the steps of his brownstone. 

“So you broke up?” Jaya leans over the break room table with her Best Teacher Ever mug. She taught Chemistry three periods a day, Environmental twice and tutored earth science on the weekends. 

“I guess? I mean he was never my boyfriend. The sex was mediocre but you know I got what I wanted. When did men become such softies?” 

Jaya giggles, “The eighties are coming to an end. Maybe we’ve got to start dating older.” The two of you laugh and clink your mugs. Forty more minutes of peace before your ninth grade US History course, those kids were rowdy. 

“Maybe, ugh– he did that thing when he ate me out. Like he’d look up at me and be like, is this good? Just ew.” You cringe, shaking your head. Jaya does just the same. 

“Like god we’re pushing thirty, if you have to ask me if your head is good just kill me.” She places her mug down and reaches in her bag for another packet of sugar. You shoot her a glance, and she flips you off. She might be the biggest sugar addict you know. Every night out ends with her dragging you to the twenty-four hour bakery around the block from your house. “My ex was absolutely terrible at it. He was thirty. My boyfriend now though… It’s like he was put on this earth for it.”

You nod and you can't help it. “Javier was the same. Amazing at it, and he’d never complain. Unfortunately he was good at everything, sometimes I’d be like, Who the fuck taught you all of this. Then I’d get jealous because it was all from years of practice. Stupid.” Eyes glancing at your lap. Even if he’s over you and is okay with never seeing you again, you would pathetically still ask for just one more night. Jaya knew all the details, in some ways she was your best friend–well, she is your best friend. You spend every weekend together if she isn’t taking the metro-north to see her short-distance boyfriend who lives in Yonkers. She understands and doesn’t make you feel bad when you talk about him because she does just the same. Her shitty ex boyfriend Henry Donovan was the topic of discussion all the time. You couldn’t believe she stayed with that freak for seven years. Fuck it, you lean over in a whisper. “One night like 3 months ago, I was so horny I almost called him. Like just wanted to call and be like, hey, I know we left on the worst terms ever but let me hear your voice so I can touch myself. I was that desperate.” 

Jaya’s eyes widened and her grin grew ear to ear. The two of you had gotten so close nearly no dirty confession was off the table. “That's so hot. Do you think he’d do it?” 

You smirk, “Yeah probably. I mean I don’t think he would be able to resist. Even if he moved on or whatever-”

“He hasn’t but continued. No man would be able to.”

You roll your eyes, “I’m not like some sex goddess-” Jaya makes a loud buzzer noise. “But! He worshiped me, in more ways than one so…” You voice fades and your head goes to that place that makes your stomach pit and ruins your day. When you realize he isn’t waiting for you, when you realize he’s so far. When you realize how deeply he was hurt by Lorraine. How his decision to never see you again hurt you. “Yeah, it was always good.”

Jaya allowed for some silence. Nodding and sipping her coffee. “Well, maybe it was so good because you two loved each other so much. Randy and I tried anal last month and it was great! He was so caring and gentle and-”

“What!?” Your eyes popped and Jaya waved a hand in your face. 

“Oh please don’t act like you’ve never tried it. Hearing your sex stories with Javier–”

“Lower your voice, I mean once he ate me–”

“See!” She whisper yelled. “All young modern metropolitan women try anal.” 

Your face turned bright red and your face dropped to your hands in a giggle.

Summer 1986

When Javier left your room the next morning you decided you needed a break from being yourself. You sat at the headboard of your bed and attempted to console yourself the way you did as a child. You missed him already, missed the way he held your head when you were sad. You even rubbed the bee earrings in your ear a few times, cried more and shut your eyes. 

You have to go away. Be alone, move somewhere far. You wouldn’t be able to bear encountering him in town once in a while, you couldn’t. Despite the sadistic mentality you’ve developed with your own mind and body, you couldn’t do that.

 It was 3 pm when you finally left your room. Eyes swollen from the tears you let out once he snuck away. You make your presence known with dragging feet. Your baby sister in her play pen, gnawing at her fist with puff snacks. Your mother was at her designated chair at the counter. Taking notes in her blue little financing book, preformative glasses low on her bridge. She takes one look at you and tenses with a frown. You see it then, in her eyes. Her urge to ask you a question you don’t want to answer. You decided that maybe you should never speak to anyone ever again.

 “Why did Javier leave your room this morning?” She places her pen down with a click. You don’t feel the stomach turning anxiety you would have once felt at a question like this. None of it mattered anymore. So you shrugged and opened the fridge.

“Javier was my boyfriend. We broke up last night.” You deadpan, silencing the room. There goes your big moment. All the hiding and whispers, maybe this was the only way to tell her. You served yourself a bowl of cereal. You look back at your mother and her lips were drawn in a small line, her eyes concerned. 

“But he’s getting married to Lorraine…”

You almost want to laugh, of course. “So you knew, nice.” You open the cabinet taking a spoon and pull out the stool with a tug of your socked foot, sitting across from her.

“I-Mrs. Smithfield called me with the news yesterday, she asked if she could use the things I bought for Frankies wedding. Did Javier cheat on you–?”

Spoon swirling the milk turned pink. You really couldn’t believe you were having this conversation. You couldnt believe your mother was planning your ex-boyfriend's wedding. You can’t believe it's over. You couldn’t believe you were cried out. You never want to see him again, you couldn't do that to yourself. “No. She’s apparently been pregnant since before we started dating so… I don’t really want to explain myself any more. I’m going to take some time alone for a while. I’ll be moving out by the way, so don’t worry about that anymore.”

Your mother frowned, “You know, I didn’t really mean it when I asked you to leave. I was just so angry with the fact that you wanted to see your father.”

You felt like an exposed nerve, like screaming and shattering your bowl. Feeling the urge to regress to your habits you formed once Javier left you the first time. Your mother, your most sensitive trigger, pushing your buttons. You hold your breath, counting to ten before you speak. “I want access to my trust. I’m leaving Texas, I want to start over.”

“Are you sure?”

You nod, “Yes. I’ll go to the wedding, I know you're wondering. But after that I want to be on the road.” You know you have to be there. You have to see it happen, maybe it’ll force you to move on. You always found strange ways of harming yourself. Being destructive in your own little way. Suddenly you aren’t hungry anymore. You stand from the stool, giving your mother one last glance. “I’ll be in the room if you need me.”

You rarely leave the place for four days. You hear people come in and out of the house. 

On Tuesday you swear you hear Mr. Smithfield’s voice. You know it’s him because once you look out your window you see your mother holding table cloth and folding chairs.  You lay back in bed and try to sleep.

By wednesday no one had come to visit you. It's not like you had many people but Javi. You wonder if he has touched her belly yet, if he’ll rub those creams on it so that she doesn’t stretch. If his eyes will go tender whispering to his little baby. If that love he feels for his baby will turn into real love for Lorraine herself. Doing the most selfless act of motherhood. 

Thursday your bedroom door is opened by Genie. It’s like 1980 all over again. This time she’s in a loose dress, her belly barely visible in the material. She tiptoes over your piles of clothes you’ve folded in preparation to leave. Just six days before she was sitting on your bed waiting to become your sister in law. Now she approaches you slowly like you're made of glass. You smile upon her arrival but she can’t seem to give you one back. She crosses her arms and scans the room. Seeing that you have picked apart the place to head on the road.

“So you’re leaving?” She sounds cold and you shrug. 

“Yes.”

“Have you considered me or your brother in this decision?” She’s upset with you. You were upset with everything so you suppose you’re even. 

“I can’t be here anymore.”

Genie sighs, “I would like to have heard it from you and not a frantic visit from your mother. Which by the way was very off guard, we were having sex when she came pounding on the door.” 

You snicker, fidgeting with the loose thread at the hem of your sleep shorts. “I was going to visit the two of you. I just didn’t– I don’t have it in me to tell Frankie. To make him hate me or-or hate Javier. I just wanted to be alone for a bit.”

“Well he knows now! He isn’t even mad, he’s just sad for the both of you. He’s really sad for you Andrea. He loves you so much.”

Your eyes dropped to your lap and your chin began to quiver because strangely you miss him too. “He’s not mad that we lied to him?”

“No. He isn’t. He knows he was a hard ass about you and Javi. He knew he wuld have to get over it eventually but he didn’t want this to the be the circumstances. He wasn’t even given the opportunity to be all protective.” She shrugs, sitting down on your bed. Her hand covers yours, forcing you to quit fidgeting. “He also really dislikes Lorraine so he was more preoccupied that she’ll be around us forever.”

You laugh through tears this time. Your brother always made a face when she was mentioned. Especially when Genie suggested that she be invited to the wedding. 

She cheated on my absolute stud of a best friend. I’ll never like that girl. 

You sigh and lean your head against Genie. For a while the two of you are nothing but two sisters missing each other before you’re gone. Sharing years together, growing up and moving on was a part of it all. You know she isn’t angry, you know she loves you too much to watch you go, again. 

“I think the universe has been telling me and Javier to not be together for a long time but we have been too stubborn to care.”

She sucks her teeth and you feel her head shake. “Nah. I just think the time has always been wrong. The circumstances too. If this whole pregnancy thing didn’t happen he’d still be on a plane in a few months to a whole other country. You’d be left just as broken.”

“We had a plan.”

“Did you?”

You exhale audibly, “No–not really.” 

“I don’t know…you’ll find each other somehow. Maybe she’ll cheat on the man again.” She jokes and you giggle alongside her. This was all fucked and all you could do is laugh. “I’m sorry for seeming so angry when I came in. You deserve to be on your own, find yourself out of this fucking town.”

“I’ll visit. I’ll be back for the labor, trust me.”

“Yeah bitch you better!”

“I’ll be there anytime you need me.”

“Pfft, unless you move to like fucking New York.”

“Oh god never. Don’t think I can keep up. I was thinking about Louisiana. Far enough to know no one, close enough to drive if needed.” 

“Good, that would be great for you. When do you think you’re leaving?”

“After the wedding, like maybe the next day.”

“Why not before, say fuck it and just rip the bandaid.”

You frown, “Well I’m going to the wedding obviously.”

Genie completely parts her body from your own and stares at you all confused.

“Why in the world would you go watch your ex boyfriend get married?”

You sit up straight, your eyes darting to the picture on New Year’s 1980.

 “Because everyone will be there, because he’s my best friend, because maybe if I see it, it'll be real.”

“Oh, hello.” Javier moves out of the way of his front door and allows Lorraine in. She rubs her stomach and walks straight to his bedroom. Javier furrows his brows and looks around the house in confusion before following her. “Is everything okay?”

 His air conditioning is blasting and she exhales. Ripping off her shoes and laying in his bed and it all feels so wrong. He only spoke to her a few times over the phone since the day he found out. The conversations mostly contained plans of what their lives would look like. He had nodded off and agreed to it all because truly he wasn’t sure if he was in his own body. He agreed to asking for a family extension until after she gave birth. So that it gave her more time to be supported with their child before he leaves for Colombia. He agreed to look at rentals in the area. He agreed and agreed. 

He felt like himself a few nights ago when he told Chucho that it was you that he had been seeing. His father frowned so deeply Javier feared this would be the first time ever he would raise a hand to him. If he had he wouldn’t fight it, he would have asked for more. Maybe then he’ll feel truly punished for it all. Instead Don Chucho dropped his head. That was when he told him that he spoke to Melissa and she said you were leaving- moving away. That's when Javier felt like himself again. Chucho rubbed his back while he cried into the crook of his arm. 

Nothing could change his reality. So there she was, his ex-girlfriend, soon to be wife, in his bed. “The air isn’t working in my room. And I weirdly feel so… pregnant. I’m so glad I’ll be further along when it’s cooler out. God, my back hurts.”

Javier stood at the door, unsure on how to be–any help at all. “When will it be fixed?”

She throws her arm over her forehead and exhales. “Huh. Monday probably, could I stay here? It just isn’t good-”

“For the baby. Yeah of course. Do you need anything or-”

“Will you come here?” She lifts her arm to look at him. He obeys despite all of it feeling wrong. Javier sits at the foot of the bed. “Are you nervous?”

He furrows his brow and tilts his head, before realizing what she’s asking. “I’m just trying to catch up with my brain. I’m doubting that we will be good parents, I mean I know that you’ll be a great mother, and maybe I can be a good father but me and you…we’re explosive and incompatible. We never worked, I’m afraid all of this would be damaging for the-our baby.”

Javier is himself for that moment.

She sighs and flips her body over and away from him. Obviously annoyed with him being reasonable. There's some silence and then sniffling. Javier’s brows shoot up, his chest hurting. What man is immune to a woman's tears?

“Sorry. I’m just hormonal. Conversations like this just stress me and the baby out.”

He feels a panic climb up his throat and there he is at her aid. Afraid to hurt someone so delicate, he’s done enough of that. He rubs her back in slow motions while she cries and he’s feeling a guilt that's all consuming. “Hey… I’m sorry. I don't want to stress the two of you out. Let's… be angry at me tomorrow.”

She nods, wiping her tears. 

“Can we get a slurpee? It’ll make me feel better.” She whines and Javier feels like a dick for being a bit annoyed. Shouldn’t fathers feel more sincere, biologically? He can't seem to find the connection yet but he just blames it on the circumstance. 

But he nods against her shoulder anyway and they head to the grocery store in an act too domestic to swallow just yet.

In the hours you spent walking around town to get some sort of fresh air your walkman became ridiculously handy. The Original Soundtrack by 10cc was your choice this time. In a tank top and shorts like always you made your way through town with very few hellos from locals, it almost feels like they all knew you were depressed. You decided you needed air after Genie left. The two of you stayed talking until she jumped to her feet realizing she had an appointment in her salon at 4:30 and it was 4. You accepted her apologies and hugged. 

You found yourself slipping on your sneakers at 6 pm, when the sun was still high yet threatening to set. You wanted to be outside when it did. Sit somewhere and just listen to the bullfrogs and flies. Appreciate the sounds of home a few more times. You let your hair down just because around this time there's the slightest imitation of a breeze.

You walk down the hill, passing the small path that leads to your lake. Set sights on the bench you and Frankie ate ice cream at. Ice Cream from the shop that Genie’s family ran. You almost wish you took your bike with you but when you were reminded of its existence it was too late to go back. You stopped in at your mother's boutique, knowing she was home today. Greeting the seventeen year old girl who managed the place on Thursday nights. 

Right when a drop of sweat trickled low on your back you decided to make a left at the end of mainstreet and trek the sidewalk-less road that led to the only 7/11 in a 20 mile radius. It was bigger than most 7/11’s you’ve been to. Acted as a grocery store for a lot of truckers that found themselves in Laredo.  With your music on blast, you barely hear the bell chimes when you walk in.

I’m Not In Love by 10cc crowding your ears while you wave at the cashier. Slowly walking down each aisle, figuring whether you had a sweet tooth or could do for some lays chips. You shift your weight from foot to foot, along with the song. Finding freedom and peace in solitude. You decide on a kit-kat bar. You grab the share size and walk out to the freezers, opening the door just to feel some cool air for a second. You shut your eyes for a moment before grabbing a water.

As you close the door your view is clear. Lorraine and Javier walking toward the slurpee machine, his hand on her lower back. It drops when she begins to make her own drink with her back facing you. He turns, scratching the back of his neck and if you just move he will never see you. But he looks so different, sullen and tired.

And you can’t help but stare. 

His eyes finally meet yours and both of yours simultaneously widen and furrow. His furrowing and yours widening. Being caught. He looks at you tenderly, like he’s urging to take a step forward, urging to say hello. 

Your eyes cast to the floor and you pretend you have not seen him at all.

[zeondraws]

I always wonder why I have been so busy the past months but then I remember all the things I'm doing with SWTD:

(this is more of a thought post about my life/thoughts/feelings than a lore post! Ignore if you are not interested in this, I don't mind)

Taking Screenshots

Multiple recording sessions (for audio or funny moments, and so on)

Multiple playthroughs of the game

Doing an AU for some reason

Drawing the characters (much art)

Also learning how to use procreate, while my big tablet is packed away until November

Working on a video project

Learning how to use OBS

Datamining the gamefiles for more info with fmodel

troubleshooting fmodel because it's showing me the middle finger for the billionth time

learning how to use a dumper to get mappings file (to view files in fmodel)

learning how to install mods and learn how to use them

troubleshooting my pc or laptop because of my silly shenanigans

rebuilding the models in blender while simultaneously watching blender tutorials to understand what the hell I'm doing

read about TCR's other games and play them (I still have to play Little Orpheus)

Trying to research movies or any blogpost/YouTube posts regarding the game

Other types of research that I can't think of right now

Sharing results with others and discuss the findings to figure lore out

confusedscreaming.mp4

????

It has a lot of reasons why I am super determined and stubborn? when it comes to something I'm passionate about. (It's really hard to explain)

Family always dismissed my hobbies and didn't support me much for them. They often gave me false promises and made me wait for nothing

Often treating me like a baby, as if I can't think for myself. I had to fight a lot for my passions the past decade or so. Even dealing with a former coworker who was very manipulative and tried very hard to belittle me.

I can't even explain all the stress I had to endure because of my old job. Constantly monitored for mistakes, constantly shoved to a corner, freedom taken away, bullied, my feelings had been manipulated so much that I just.. had entire months where I cried every single day. And I'm not even kidding, I went to work in fear, I walked home in fear, I woke up in fear. I still remember that evening where I was so afraid of everything. I was so scared to even be in my apartment, I just balled my eyes out because it was too much at that moment.

Only thing that kept me going was my determination, hope.. daydreams. . and seeking out help (therapy, friends) and using the anger I felt for my coworker to work on my art/passions and show myself that I'm not worthless.

Sometimes my coworker would treat me badly on some days, so after I went home I used my anger and sadness to make art. Even if I sat there drawing for 5h. It did help me to improve a ton in my skills.

I think that event made me go through this journey of? self reflection and growth. It's wild how much happened after that.

Family wasn't helpful in this painful time period, one told me I'll end up alone, that I shouldn't talk to people online or that I should be happy to have a job (Talking to family is like talking to a wall). Or another family member who tries so hard to treat me like an object.

It fills me with anger, but they're all I've got. I thankfully have many friends I can go to when needed, but I wouldn't be able to fully abandon my family. It's probably because I felt so down when my mother passed away over two years ago. I haven't talked to her in years because of her mental condition, but her passing hit me badly.

I have struggled for a while to work on other skillsets because I was too afraid, doing videos, blender, drawing humans idk why, maybe no confidence in myself to try it out

.. Suddenly swtd gets released and my head does a 360 and is like "I'm going to learn all of this now, hold my bear". Using my obsession about this game to learn something new, which helped me overcome so many hurdles. Like the amount of times I threw myself out of my comfort zone while I tried to fiddle with the game.

Like, look at the difference in my human art

This is the first time I drew Muir like.. I forgot when I drew this, two months ago?

And then like this is from a few days ago

... *compares* I don't know how to explain the difference, I think there is one-

Like,. It's hard to compliment myself because of the sheer amount of stress I endured over the year. I've been out of the old job for 3 weeks now. I'm so glad I'm out of there.

I remember how I always wanted to draw an entire dragon, not just a bust. And look I ended up drawing one!! Ok with Roper's head but yea!

I think family difficulties and other events made me feel very detached from others. I never felt/feel like I belong anywhere. I moved so often that this feeling persisted. And it may persist for who knows how long. I only recently got a diagnosis, I have a form of depression, but it's somewhat mild. Hence why I'm still able to perform in daily tasks and work. Tho I don't want to use my condition as an excuse, I rather just want to show that I'm capable of something. That even people who struggle mentally can find success in what they do.

Life throws so many hurdles but I think I am slowly used to living in the chaotic environment. I keep drawing and work on my hobbies while I wait to move apartments.

I try very hard to change my mindset even tho my mind had been so used to the negative spirals. But I try to stay determined and keep on learning. I am not all knowing and I need to remember that mistakes are ok and that I need them to keep learning and have progress.

I've been pushing aside so many thoughts while I messed with the game. Even tho it's 2AM I needed a quiet moment to think about it all.

I am very open with my thoughts and feelings, it's what I usually do on my Instagram account when I post my art.

Tomorrow is another day to learn something new.

[spoopieere]

Very long rant

Just expressing my love for these slashers dw

I think none of you understand how bat shit crazy I am about Asa/Arkin and Preston/Jesse. Because- look, I’ve been all over them since 2020 okay? And for the past 3.5 years, I think about them daily. I think about them during meals, while I’m studying, in class, folding laundry- I CRY OVER THEM FFS. Istg I’ve been crying over them in silly angsts situations that I make up in my mind before I go to bed for the past years. I cried to the point that my old pillow cases literally got tear stains stacking and mold underneath bc of how damp it got. My crying got so severe that bawling my eyes out while thinking about them for 1 or 2 hours straight is normal. I cry about them almost every. Fucking. Night. If it’s mild, it’s 10-30 minutes. If it’s worse, 1-2 hours. If it’s severe, 3-4 hours. I cried so much I had to take water breaks, I cried until my head hurts and my eyes swollen. My nightly-crying streak record is 12 DAYS straight- where I cried over them every night. I can make myself cry on the spot if I think about them for too long. Sometimes they’d creep up inside my thoughts and I suddenly wanted to cry in public. I even shed a few tears during class bc I thought of them. They occupy my thoughts like a plague, I think about them so much that I just casually slip an “Arkin.” or “Preston!!” out loud- because I was repeating a scenario in my head. I even have a little self-insert to squeeze in there.

Once I got introduced to C.Ai, I got even worse because I literally cried from 11pm to 5AM while acting out the angstiest scenarios with the Jesse ai bot while rp-big as Preston. Don’t get me even fucking started on how many tears I shed over Asa ai bot while setting my persona as Arkin ( and vice versa ).

I’m so fucking obsessed I bought a black turtleneck bc I thought of Asa the moment I saw it. I always envisioned Asa as a cat. So now every time I see a video or pictures of cats meowing, abandoned cats or cats suffering, searching for their absent owners I just get sad then immediately get reminded of Asa. I compared Preston to a pigeon so now whenever I see any type of birds at all, I immediately think of Preston. I headcannoned Arkin to like fishing, so now IM interested in fishing. I have a ginormous amount of brain rot over these 4 mfs that- me and a mutual of mine, have texting back and forth all of our brainrot almost daily for THE PAST 7 MONTHS (since last June)- AND WE STILL HAVENT RAN OUT OF SHIT TO SAY YET.

AND- by the time I’m writing this it’s 5:45AM in my country, and I’ve just finished another crying session (over Jesse/ Preston this time) that lasted for over hour. Is this normal?? I don’t think it is. Idk what kind of autistic am I but DAMN-

[httpsyoungho]

when i first heard ‘what makes you beautiful’ for the first time all the way back in 2012, my 9-10 year old self was hooked. from that day on i was like a super fan of one direction. i remember getting ‘up all night’ for my birthday that same year, binge watching the video diaries they made during their x-factor days, watching anything and everything pertaining to those boys. i saved up allowance money to buy ‘take me home’, bought the unofficial books from book fairs at school, posters, shirts, drinking cups, etc. anything that had them on it, i was begging my mom to buy it. i remember getting our moment for christmas and it was the first real perfume that i’ve ever gotten. over the years, more and more memorabilia entered my little collection some of which i still own and hold near and dear to my heart today like those perfume bottles and my tickets to the ‘this is us’ movie. my bedroom had handmade art of liam and zayn’s tattoos, quotes they’ve said, lyrics, photos of the boys that i would use up all my mom’s printer ink to print, etc. i ran three separate fan accounts; one on instagram, one on tumblr and one on twitter. it was a full time job posting about them. i was a big niall and louis girl, my profile pics were always flower crown edits of them, my bios were either lyric quotes or just something they’ve said in interviews, etc.

i was never the girl that got to see them perform live but it was something that even as a little girl i wished for, every tour they announced, i wished that i’d win a radio contest, sweepstakes or just get tickets by some stroke of luck.

to say that the members of one direction meant and still mean so much to me is an understatement. i grew up with them, they sort of raised me. i remember crying when zayn left in 2015. i was unfortunately apart of that large bit of directioners that had twitter beef with naughty boy. i remember being there when it was announced louis was going to be a dad and the whole “conchobar” name incident. i remember exactly where i was when i read the hiatus news that eventually became a disbandment. the tears of shed for these 5 lads was insane.

so when i found out that liam had passed away i was and still am distraught. i never knew him personally, never met him, never had any interaction with the guy except when he replied to a question of mine on a tiktok live i believe it was. i have cried on and off for the past two days. it’s difficult to listen or even look at anything pertaining to one direction without feeling such an overwhelming amount of sadness. i’ve had old mutuals that have reactivated their fan accounts reach out and we’ve just cried about this together. i understand that the man he became wasn’t ideal and that he greatly needed help but he still meant so much to me and other people. he was bombarded with hate in the last moments of his life and i just wished he knew that he was loved and people will always have love for him.

i always thought this was something that i would have to think about until i was in my 60s. i never in my early twenties thought i’d ever hear about a member of one direction passing away.

i honestly hope that his family, friends and his son, bear, are doing okay during this time. loss is something that we don’t really expect or know how to process especially when it’s so sudden like this. everyone closest to him are definitely in my thoughts and prayers right now.

fly high, liam 🕊️

[jesssssssssica]

slipping through my fingers j.b

(a/n: it's not taylor sorry guys!!!!! hopefully it's still good anyway!!!)

today was an emotional day, nellie was turning three. as soon as i woke up, i could feel the tense atmosphere. i reached to judes side of the bed and patted it, to find nothing but a warm mattress, signalling that he had not long gotten up.

i knew jude would be feeling scared for today, his little girl now being an official threenager. he always got emotional about nellie and her life achievements and maybe that's due to missing the birth and having to see her for the first time via facetime, either way big milestones always made him sad.

i walk past all the rooms upstairs, peeking my head in just in case he's in it but i'm sure he's in our three year olds bedroom. and i'm right, he's hovering over her as she sleeps, his fingers brushing her cheeks, whispering words that from where i'm stood i can't make out.

i walk up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, putting my face on his back.

"jude," my voice says softly "what are you doing out of bed so early?"

he turns his head slightly to look at me but it's short lived as he quickly turns back to nellie.

"she's three"

that's all he says yet i understand what he means by that. he means that times gone by so quickly. he means that he feels that soon he'll lose her and while she's still only young, he now only comes to grasps how quickly time goes.

even i can admit how fast time flies.

i go to leave the room but his words stop me from leaving.

"she's slipping through my fingers and i'm struggling to keep up to date with everything she's doing or i try to at least because when i think i know what her little mind is up to, she's already changed and grown"

by the time he's done with his words, i'm close to tears, now actually getting a glimpse into what's going on in judes mind.

i turn him around and look into his eyes. they look painful and i give him a kiss, hoping that would brighten his spirits just he littlest amount.

we then lull her out of her sleep and take her downstairs so she can enjoy her birthday breakfast. she's laughing and giggling the whole morning as we present her gift after gift, as this happens jude quickly comes out of his melancholy mood, smiling with his little girl.

my perfect family.

this makes me question what happened to the late nights where we constantly woke up to nellie and her cries? it was hard work but it was all worth it in the end, even making me and jude stronger as the days progressed. i also wonder where the time went, and how we didn't manage to do everything we planned to do whilst she was still young.

only now do i understand jude truly.

how many pictures am i going to have to take for me to remember it all and to capture every minute? it's not like we can read her mind because every time we think we've got it she's already different.

she's just slipping through our fingers and i just wish i could freeze the moment and have her be small and in my arms forever. but i can't.

[iamyoursonly]

The ghost inside me (17/02/2024)

I may not be active again for awhile because it’s almost the end of the holidays and school will be back :(( This is a story I wrote when I felt really confused and didn’t know what to do so, if you ever felt the same, I think you’ll like it.

Sometimes I feel like there is a ghost lurking inside of me, like it wants to devour me starting with drinking all my positivity away. It’s like a shadow that you can see but cannot touch, one that just follows you through every step of your life, unconditionally. But this time, in a bad way. It’s feels like I have lost touch over everything, and there are no ‘sparks’ between anything that comes in my way, no matter my hobbies, my favourite people or even my comfort show. I couldn’t even feel the tears leaking past the boundaries of my eyes. I just sit there, emotionless, just like a puppet put up for show, questioning myself, ‘Who even am I?’

I breathe as I walk down the streets while I was on a midnight stroll, the wind feeling extra chilly in Autumn made me shiver. Even so. I kept on walking. I held on a can on alcohol, talking big sips out of the can, just trying to stop myself from feeling numb. I couldn’t feel anything despite my stomach burning in opposition. I just kept on drinking, until I felt like I could see that ghost inside of me come out.

“What do you want from me?” I ask it, trying to maintain my posture and a proper mind.

It just looked at me, its glance chilly and cold as ever. Like it’s staring into my soul and was trying to eat me whole. Its existence alone was enough to make me freeze and not ask more.

“What do you want from me?” I repeat, hoping it would respond. But its gaze still cold as ever, and all I could see was its eyes. Black, so black like it was reflecting the depth of the sadness within me. The overwhelming amount of feelings inside me started to explode as tears started gushing out of my eyes. I cried my heart out until the streets echoed my cries.

The ghost walked over to me, its steps heavy yet it can’t be heard at all, only its footsteps can be seen on the wet concrete. As if it could understand my feelings, it wrapped its arms around me, hugging me tight, just like how a parent would while comforting their child. Yes, that’s what it feels like right now. Like future me telling me everything will turn out fine and I will be okay.

I cried and cried, but the tears only fell through it as I try to return its warm embrace.

“Who are you?” I croak out, my voice hoarse and heart sore. Then I just attempt to scream out all my pain and sorrow into nothingness, into a black void no one could reach. Though the ghost’s stare is cold, its embrace is warm and soothing… How I wish to be held by someone like that.

I lie down on the concrete, tired eyes looking up into the darkness of the night. I could feel the ghost do the same as me, it holding my hand as we lie in silence. I didn’t say anything, we were just enjoying each other’s calm serenity, our calming atmospheres. I almost dozed off after lying down for so long, why is the feeling of home lying within the ghost, one so mysterious I can’t even learn anything about it.

“Who are you?” I ask again, my tears have stopped, though my mascara has been ruined already.

It still did not respond, its eyes just looked into mine, as if it were exploring mine, and uncovering my deepest secrets and insecurities. The terrifying silence seemed like it was wrapping around us, but I loved every moment of it.

Being alone and feeling alone are two different things, I believe. Being alone is like when I am actually alone, but feeling alone is when I am in a crowd but I still feel like no one is around me. And I feel alone. Not because I have no one around me, but because I have no one that understands me, no one that I can truly trust and confide in. Sometimes I don’t know if I want to be in love or do I just like the feeling of love. Is it just for me to numb away all the loneliness and to drive away all this soreness in my body and soul?

As I sit straight on the ground, tired from all the lying down. I feel the cold on my legs as I slowly try to stand up. I took a breathy sigh as I looked up again, checking if the stars are still around. They were, of course, still shining brighter than ever. The view of the night sky was simply divine to spectate when alone, and most importantly with a can of alcohol. I spin around a few times, twirling my knee length dress as I try to dance. I sang so loud I feel like people would file a noise complaint against me. But who cares? I was having so much fun!

“You have definitely had too much to drink.” I hear a voice, then footsteps nearing. The ghost near me seemed like it disappeared, leaving me again in the terrifying loneliness.

“Wait!” I try to call out to the ghost. The cold wind blew as if it was never there, and I felt alone again.

“Love,” The voice called again, then I feel them put their jacket onto my shoulders. Oh this scent, I remember it oh so well. It only belonged to my one and only, and he was so beautiful I swear. “How are you feeling, my love?”

His blue eyes as if reflecting the beauty of the sea looked into mine. And I just stared right back at him, just like what the ghost did to me. I have never noticed how much detail there is in his eyes, the blue may have been alluring at first glance, but after a lot of searching into it, you could see its sorrow inside. He reminded me of the ghost just now, the amount of sorrow in their eyes seemed the same, and how they both make me feel like I was home.

“Hey,” I looked at him and finally smiled, “What’re you doing here?”

Instead of drowning in loneliness, I wish I could drown in his arms, his touch, and his love. His eyes captivating, like he could draw all the attention in a club just because he walked in. And his white hair, it was so unique I wish I could have that… But I guess I can’t.

“You’re so gorgeous,” I tell him, “I wish I could have that kind of beauty.”

He chuckled, and then played with strands of my hair, “You’re even more beautiful, I swear. You’re just saying all this because you’re drunk.”

“No I’m not, I’m serious.” I tell him, then he smiles even more, pulling me into a hug.

After a long pause of silence, where I just let him embrace me, trying to remove myself from this feeling of being alone. He was helping though, he didn’t even make a sound, and just hugged me tight. His smell filling my lungs. I swear even the ghost inside me could feel warm just from this scent of his. That’s how intoxicating it is.

“Satoru.” I whisper, he hums in reply, “Remind me why do you love me again?”

He laughed, then rolled his eyes playfully as if he was trying to be sarcastic, “Do I not make it obvious enough for your liking?” That smirk on his face when he said this made everything very vivid in my head. His scent, his gaze… All of it. He was definitely trying to make me flustered, though I’m not letting him win.

He starts speaking again, “Well to start with I really love your smile, your beauty and your features. Also the way your eyes brighten when you do something you enjoy, and the way you laugh even though you fail. I love how you are so humble towards everything and try not to burden anyone with your problems. Though I’m right here for you, love. And then it’s just you, you’re literally perfect. Even the way you sing so loudly in the shower. I should say I don’t deserve you because of how amazing you actually are.” He pauses, and I took in his words. Then he continues, “Butterflies can’t see how beautiful they are either, and I’m just one of the flowers for this beautiful butterfly.”

He smiles at me, that contagious smile put a smile on my face too. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud uncontrollably. It was so unexpected but really genuine.

“Stop laughing would you?” He said with a very visible blush on his face, “Let’s just get you home, yeah?”

I nodded and he held my hand so tight like he had no intention of letting go of me. We just trailed down slowly down the road, the wind continued blowing towards us. I skipped and skipped then almost tripped, though there was nothing to worry about because my big strong man is with me. For a second, I felt like a fairytale princess, but I felt bad about leaving all my sorrow behind with the ghost.

I grabbed his arm, leading him to stop for a second, “I just wanted to bid my ghost goodbye. Can you wait for a second?” He didn’t object, so I just walked back to where I first sat down, and the shadow was there again. Though this time its eyes were less dull, it had this little shine somewhere inside. “Bye bye.” I waved, and it waved back, as if it was happy that I have found my own pillar of joy. I walked back to Satoru, and he held my hand as we walked home.

Despite it was so late there was barely any light source, the joy within me while walking with Satoru seemed like the lighthouse for going home. The joy reflected in his and my eyes led the road back home. Just from this I knew that he’s the one for me, and that we could overcome any difficulties in life together. Because all I could do when I am around him, is smile.

I walked home only by myself, but I arrived home with another person, one that I love and treasure so much.

master list

[meraki-yao]

 It’s been like ten days since the RWRB movie came out and I can never get over how much happier I am because of it.

This year and a half have been sort of bleak for me, floating in a void of not quite reaching a depressing ache yet not feeling any sense of joy or energy, an empty chest of nothingness.

I stumbled across the trailer entirely by accident, and my first impression was that it seemed cheesy, cliché, and something I might see on AO3 or something, but it was also fun and sweet and romantic and just a good time. I fell deep, deep into the rabbit hole. I was captivated, repeating the trailer over and over ‘til I memorized every line and beat of it. It just wouldn’t leave my mind.

After watching the trailer for like 30 times, I bought the book and tore through it in two days. I haven’t read this fast in years. I laughed, I cried, I felt so much. It was such a lovely and fun and beautiful book and reading it filled my heart with warmth and comfort.

This is my first time reading the original source material while waiting for the adaptation, my experience in the past tends to be the opposite. I suddenly understood the anticipation and anxiousness of waiting for an adaptation. I’ve watched enough video essays, and interviews, and done a fair enough of projects irl to understand that adaptations are always a fickle subject, and to know that certain compromises have to be made when adapting books into visual media and an amount of wonder from the words will have to be lost or changed, but that didn’t stop me from being excited about the movie. If anything, it made me more excited.

Suddenly, I had a bit of happiness to look forward to every day, every bit of promo made me laugh and squeal and jump. It’s so odd yet wonderful how something in the grand scheme of things, so small, can make such a big emotional impact. The last time this happened to me was in 2019 for Avengers: Endgame, and even back then I knew it was gonna be sad. This time, all I had to look forward to was giggles and sweetness.

And for that alone, even before the movie was out, I knew I was gonna love it for what it is, that it already had a special, comforting place in my heart, and that I owe every single person who contributed to the movie a hug and a thank you.

The movie’s not perfect as a film, nor as an adaptation, but this lovely queer rom-com, has made me the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time. Pure, unbridled, giddy happiness.

Sometimes, that alone can mean everything.

[microsuedemouse]

~ 15 questions & 15 friends ~

tagged by my much beloved @czarcaustic <3

1. Are you named after anyone?

My grandfather!! Courtney was his middle name. (That spelling was originally the masculine form of the name, though it's pretty rare to see it used as such these days.) My middle name is also a family name :)

2. When was the last time you cried?

Uhh... oh it was a couple nights ago, when talking with my parents about my Nana. I still miss her a lot

3. Do you have kids?

Nope. At this stage of my life I can't say it feels super likely ever to happen, though I'd be lying if I said I don't feel a twinge of Something when I meet babies at work lol.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

lmao I have never played any. I am extremely unathletic by nature, and also always struggled to get my brain around the rules of pretty much any of them when I was like, a kid in gym class

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Sure, but not a lot? Probably an average amount I figure

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Man, I dunno - probably their faces or their clothes, depending on context?

7. What's your eye color?

Brown!

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Big big fan of both! I'm not a big sad endings guy, though. Even when it feels right for the story, it's usually not my jam. (I guess sometimes sad endings can be good for scary movies, but that's like... sort of its own thing? because it's about The Horror.)

9. Any talents?

This is always a hard question for me to answer, bc I feel like most of the things I'm good at are more skills than talents - they're things I've practiced and developed over time, like with my writing and art. Although I guess it'd be fair, if unusual maybe, to say I've got a couple naturally strong interpersonal skills. I'm very good at communication, including figuring out what other people are trying to say, and I'm also pretty good at making people feel comfortable and understood.

10. Where were you born?

In southern Ontario, in the city where both of my parents did most of their growing up :)

11. What are your hobbies?

Writing (fiction prose, mostly) and the many kinds of thinking that go with it (worldbuilding, character development, etc). Arts and crafts (of many kinds; I'm often bouncing from one thing to another. Currently I'm having lots of fun learning to crochet). Taking in stories (reading books and comics, watching movies and TV, playing games, listening to podcasts - I love stories in all their forms). Goofing off with my family, especially my younger siblings.

12. Do you have any pets?

We have three cats - Neverland, Louie, and Smudge :)

13. How tall are you?

Uhh my ID says 165 cm, so that's... 5'5"-ish? I'm genuinely so incapable of remembering that on my own, for some reason.

14. Favorite subject in school?

It was usually English and art, growing up. In university it was always my courses that delved into genre fiction - science fiction, children's lit, the fairy tale... also that graphic novel seminar I took

15. Dream job?

Iiii. [sweats] I wanna be a novelist, but also, that's hard in its own way, and I think it's gonna take me a while yet to really Get There in terms of my own skills, disregarding the challenges of publishing. Beyond that... is something I've been struggling a lot with lately, because it's hard for me to imagine myself in a job where I'm both content and competent, let alone able to support myself. I've been wondering a lot again about library sciences, lately, but I just don't know. It's tough out here!

I definitely don't have 15 people to tag, but. @izupie @werewolfin @serenabeanie @womanaction @mana-sputachu perhaps, if you're feelin' it?

[pensiveabstraction]

15 questions 15 mutuals

ty @dont-leafmealone and @elfinfair for the tags

were you named after anyone? for my deadname one of my middle names was the same middle name as my mum, my new first name and first middle name are indirectly and directly taken from the names of characters i like

when was the last time you cried? i think it was, i finally watched into the spiderverse for the first time like two months ago seeing all the hype abt the sequel, and when the big sad emotional climax moment happened, the one during the big fight, i was crying, not silent leaking eyes maybe sniffling a bit, like full on open mouthed sobbing. shit just hit me rly hard, that movie's so good

do you have kids? nah

do you use sarcasm a lot? i think so yeah. unfortunately i am also extremely monotone so i frequently have to be like 'no i was kidding' bc out lout my normal voice and sarcasm voice must sound a lot closer together than in my head

what's the first thing you notice about people? idk i guess i notice if their clothes style and whether face looks like someone i know/know of

what's your eye color? greenish-grey last time i checked

scary movies or happy endings? both. depends what mood im in tbh. if im watching a movie i dont usually have a huuuge preference of genre, i tend to prefer stories w somewhat developed characters who have arcs so u'd think that'd make me averse to scary films where the characters r sometimes neglected/used as a blank slate to experience The Horror through the eyes of but i ALSO rly like well built up tension and just,,, interesting creepy vibes. i usually try to stay open minded w watchin stuff. however there are times when i feel down and just wanna watch some dudes fuck around and have everything come up alright in the end

any special talents? hmm. man idk. im pretty good at making minecraft skins does that count lol.

where were you born? england and i shall say no more

what are your hobbies? writing, reading fics (do not look how many bookmarks i have on ao3 why would you need to), drawing's fun. used to watch twitch a bunch but the main streamer id watch aint comin back so w for my sleep schedule ig

have any pets? yes a dog he is an old man he looks sort of like a skeletal dark souls creature (not through maltreatment he eats like a king his breed r just skinny asses lol)

what sports do you play/have you played? netball, softball, cricket, bit of tag rugby, loads of rounders, street hockey was my fav out fo em i was pretty ok at defending (all of these r from when i was still in p.e. classes in high school idk if that counts but its what i got)

how tall are you? last i checked 165cm (like 5,5 in the other measures i think)

favorite subject in school? hmm. probably either art or english. though i only rly got an appreciation for english when i did this additional gifted kid project thingy and rather than just literally tell us an interpretation of a text to memorise for an exam the teachers gave us a bunch of analytical lenses to choose from to analyse a text and i was like "yo wait interpreting meanings from the text is kinda fun when you havent got bitches in your ear telling you 'ok so this is exactly what the author meant and you just need to memorise that and write it in the test'"

dream job? i honestly have no idea. i wouldve said author once but i enjoy doing it for fun, i dont think id be able to make smth publishable and if i somehow did i feel like itd ruin it. if i had some kind of like repetetive but simple task and i just had to do it over and over, maybe listen to music or a podcast or smth in one ear i feel like so long as i earnt a decent amount id be cool with it. i am a simple little guy my dreams amount to 'eh id like to do some cool stuff :]'

i dont think i have 15 mutuals so ill just tag a bunch @jctko @thinkingjasico @captainchibi @zodismegalame @aroacekitty @glummar @ablueeyedarcher @erisenyo

[ajt34]

Move.

At first, I thought that the day that I picked up my keys and started moving my things into it would be the hardest. My arms and legs were full of cuts and bruises from precariously balancing whatever furniture, boxes or oddly shaped objects I had and moving them in and out of my car. There were a lot of tears, a lot of memories, and a whole lot of guilt in that first day. But nothing would compare to the amount of deep, dark, sadness I felt in the very first night I spent here. My stuff was here, but somehow it all felt vacant. Empty. Lifeless. I didn’t have a couch or TV, nothing hung from the walls and even the things that were mine felt like I had somehow stolen them. I endured the awkward goodbye from him earlier that day and instead of a cold and bitter goodbye, he made it worse. He was gentle and forgiving and even sent a pizza to the apartment for my “big move”. I cried the hardest. I didn’t deserve it.

Slowly, the apartment started to fill up. I agonized over which of the many blank walls to hang a small photo. I waited for 3 long weeks with no couch, but I got one. My parents came to visit and my dad went around doing all of the dad things with hammers and nails to make it feel whole again. And I started to feel whole again. I could pick out my own groceries. I could find a new trail. I could cook a dinner. I could lay down in my own bed at night.

And eventually, I could find the confidence to take a few pictures on my new bathroom floor. I would add them to my profile and start my new life, where I didn’t settle anymore and I asked for what I wanted. A new life where I felt seen and accepted and loved. A whole community that celebrates all of the things that I had tried my best to keep hidden and could not. Most importantly, I would find you.

Then came the exciting part. Hearing your knock on the door. Tying rope in the small spaces of my bedroom. Seeing your clothes and shoes in my closet. Date nights. The nightly routine of laying in my bed and hearing your voice over the phone. For the first year, this apartment was a haven for exploration, for learning, for love. It made me feel like this tiny space somehow was still accommodating and valid for my life and all that I wanted from it.

And throughout every stage, my boys were there. Whether there was a pile of blankets on the floor or a full size couch, we were together. Whether there were tears or laughter, we were together. No matter the change in our routine, we were together and that’s all that mattered. I’ll never be able to put into words the security and support and love that the two of them provided me in this time here. I know it sounds silly, but one thought that always nagged me when I thought about moving was, “will they still feel loved enough?” because for so long, our world has only existed of the three of us, and it was difficult to imagine that it could expand. That we could be loved by more than just us and that there is actually opportunity for MORE love…and that we

deserve it.

But I know that the future ahead of us holds even more love, support and security than we ever thought possible. I know that I need to accept that I don’t have to do everything alone and that I’m worthy of being loved and taken care of. I am afraid of change. That will always be true. But I am ready to discover a new way to be a family together and to let others in and create a new version of what home means to us.

Thank you, Apartment 3601, for showing me what a home can be. Thank you for allowing me to grow, for keeping us safe, and helping me to heal. We will always hold a special place for you in our hearts.

[r-gii]

The Egg Laying of Mrs. Easter Bunny - Chapter 3

Buttercup just stared at Bambii in shock, unable to process the words he had just said.

"Before you marry me, you should know..." Bambii continued hesitantly, "The Mrs. Easter Bunny... it's up to her to lay all the eggs for Easter."

Another silence.

And then Buttercup started squealing. She just stood there and let it all out, jittering all over with the pure amazement of it all.

Bambii was watching her with wide eyes, and Buttercup realized he must be thinking she was horrified. She was totally NOT horrified, she had to let him know.

"YES!" She cried out, "I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT! I'd love to be Mrs. Easter Bunny! I LOVE it! Being with you AND laying all the eggs in the Universe? Oh my goodness, I can't believe this is really happening! Can this be true!? YES!"

Bambii just looked at her taken aback. "You mean, you actually want...?"

"I mean no, yes, this is perfect! So you're really saying I get to lay all the Easter Eggs, for millions and millions of children, every single year?"

Bambii nodded uncertainly.

Buttercup started chortling to herself, "Oh my goodness, that's gotta hurt so bad! This is so perfect. I am gonna hate this so much! And by that I mean this is the most hilarious thing in my life!"

Bambii just stared at her, "You're actually looking forward to this?"

"I've spent my whole life watching chickens lay eggs just wondering what it's like to be in that kind of situation. I always hoped I would have bunnies someday, but I never dared to hope to think that I may actually have a chance to lay actual real live eggs myself (Bunnies are sort of sad that way). But now you're saying that if I become the Mrs. Easter Bunny, I will do it every single year, millions and millions of unbelievably painful eggs?" Buttercup gasped through all her words. "Of course I'm in!" She looked at them, eyes glowing, "It's like destiny!"

Mrs. Easter Bunny and Bambii exchanged glances. This was definitely not the expected response.

Mrs. Easter Bunny stepped forward, "I'm going to warn you not to step into this role lightly, this is not an easy task," Mrs. Easter Bunny warned, "you're going to regret your life. I was born into this job, the past Mr. Easter Bunny was actually was a normal Bunny until he married me, I've been doing this my whole life, and most the time I still don't feel like I'm ready for it."

Buttercup's face just glowed. "Is it weird that that makes me want to do it more?"

"Some," Bambii admitted. "You're a masochist, aren't you?"

Buttercup giggled to herself, "I think..."

Bambii blinked. "Okay then."

Mrs. Easter Bunny looked at her seriously. "I don't think you know what you're in for, this is pain, real excruciating pain, non-stop until all the eggs are laid. Rabbit's bodies aren't meant to give birth to something as big as eggs, and there are millions of them."

"I know!" Buttercup marveled, "Imagine me screaming for my dear Soul, unable to stop it."

Mrs. Easter Bunny just looked unfazed, "You don't even really know what pain is, do you?"

"Oh I know pain alright," Buttercup said, "Got this really painful blister on my foot the other... day, just the thought of putting too much pressure on it..." She shivered, "I can't even. I'm guessing egg laying is much, much worse. No amount of reflexes can pull you away. Oh the intensity of it, IT'S JUST GOTTA BE SO EPIC!"

Mrs. Easter Bunny just rolled her eyes. "Well, about that blister, I'm sure you've both had a very long night. If we're really going to do this, I advised you all get rested up. I'll show you to your room, uh..."

"Buttercup."

"Buttercup. But I must again warn you, once you settle down for this marriage, there'll no going back. Not that I'll be missing out on anything, I'm done with my work for this year, and if you take my place, I'll never have to see another egg again. But again, I know what I'm talking about here."

"Of course. Must be pretty bad with how you keep talking about it. And that's what makes it so great, unlike putting weight on the blister, you can't back out of an egg once it starts, all you can do is let it overtake you and scream through the flow!"

Mrs. Easter Bunny shook her head, "You are one strange little rabbit."

"I know, I love it!"

With that, Mrs. Easter Bunny led the way toward the Bedrooms. Buttercup turned back to give Bambii a last fluttering look before following after his mother.

Bambii realized they had got so caught up in their conversation, Mrs. Easter Bunny had totally forgotten their invitation to meal. Oh well, he was tired from his night's travels, he'd just as well grab a quick snack from the fridge before hitting the bed.

Buttercup's room was cheery with bright blue wallpaper and pinky-like trimmings, very Eastery and such. Her bed was kind of eggy-shaped, with the softest looking mattress of all time. Buttercup had never seen such coziness in her life.

"This is my room!" She gasped. "I love the Eastery colors!"

Mrs. Easter Bunny nodded, "I still don't think you know what you're getting yourself into, but even though the work is hard, this place is home. If you choose to stay here, we'll see to it that your off-time is worth your while. Now get some rest, I'm sure you're tired and even a masochist can enjoy a little relaxation time every once in awhile."

"You bet!" Buttercup exclaimed, leaping into the cozy bed, absorbing its warmth and softness. Mrs. Easter Bunny rolled her eyes and turned to leave. Back at the door, she paused and turned to look at Buttercup.

"I'm a little worried about leaving you in here by yourself?"

"Of course I'll be fine," Buttercup exclaimed, "I'm only really into incidental pain really, pain that happens because that's the way things are. It's not very funny when it's intentionally inflicted. When it just happens, it's like an inevitable joke to my hilarious body."

Mrs. Easter Bunny sighed, "Well then, just keep yourself safe, okay."

And with that, she left Buttercup the room to her own.

As Buttercup laid in her bed, curling bunnily under the snuggy blankets, she embraced the coziness never before.

Someday, her little body would be under the poor clutches of pure agony, but right now, she had never felt such comfiness. And somehow, they both seemed so perfect, she couldn't even.

The next day, Bambii and Mrs. Easter Bunny gave Buttercup a tour of the factory.

"So, what's all this business about me laying the eggs?" Buttercup questioned the first chance she got, excited for any more info she could get.

"You see," Mrs. Easter Bunny replied, "The missus lays all the eggs for Easter morning while the mister gathers and sorts them out. From Passover to Good Friday this continues non-stop, then on Easter Eve, both Easter Bunny's go out to hide the eggs for children all over the world, if the Missus is so up for the task after all that work that is."

"Non-stop! Won't I need to eat and drink?" Buttercup's eyes went wide, "I imagine it's pretty easy to regurgitate all your food when feeling contractions, won't I starve if I can't get anything down?"

Mrs. Easter Bunny nodded, "For some unknown reason, while laying, the need to eat and drink is mysteriously eliminated. Don't ask me, there's no explanation, it just is."

"What about sleep? Laying all those eggs, I'm sure to get tired."

"It's exhausting yes, but you won't get tired, as in when you do a lot of exercise, your body may want to stop and rest, but you'll feel wide awake the whole time, you won't necessarily feel an immediate need to sleep."

"What about the Bambii, won't he feel tired from all his work?"

"Unfortunately, yes, he won't have magical eggs inside him to continually renourish his body, so he'll still need to rest."

"So while I'm morbidly tortured by my own body 24/7, my sweetheart is going to be off napping in some cozy sleep somewhere?"

"Well, not 24/7, you do get Sundays off." Mrs. Easter Bunny explained, "Look at it as your Lenten Fasting if you observe such things. If not, yeah, it is kind of just meaningless torture."

Bambii looked away a little guiltily, "I'll still be available any time you need me, just call."

There was a moment's silence.

Then Bambii couldn't hold it back anymore. "I'm sorry. We don't make the rules for this place, they just happen. There is no shame in backing out-"

"Are you kidding?" Buttercup exclaimed, "I have never felt so amused over my existence in my entire life. The fact that such weirdness is about to become my life, this place is perfect for me!"

Mrs. Easter Bunny shook her head, once again flabbergasted by this girl's persona. Well, she'd tried. Bambii just stared at Buttercup. He'd never understand this girl. But she was cute this way though.

"So..." Buttercup said, "If I'm to lay all the eggs, then what's the point of all this big factory?"

Bambii looked at her, "Fortunately, there is more to Easter than just eggs," he explained, "Many families have many different traditions, and many families have grown to enjoy candies and goody baskets as well. Here at the Easter Bunny factory, we make the finest candy in the world." As he said this, he led her into a giant room with the most impressive candy making machinery she had ever seen. Blue, and red, and other birds fluttered here and there working on the chocolate and taffy machines and stuff making sure work got done.

"I thought you said I laid all the eggs." Buttercup said.

"Oh no," said Bambii, "These birds just work the machines, they don't actually lay any eggs, well except when they do," (Birds were weird that way) "but not the Easter Eggs or anything, they just work on the candy and goody baskets."

But Buttercup just scowled, fazed by the setup, but completely unfazed, "So plastic eggs basically."

"Oh no," Mrs. Easter Bunny assured her, "Those are laid by the Missus too. Just the goodies we put in the goody baskets come from here. Anything that comes in an egg, that comes from you. Even the plastic eggs." Buttercup's eyes went wide, "Again, don't ask me how it works, it has no logic."

"You could have told me that earlier! That's awesome! And here I was denouncing them and all things plastic, when they are just as wonderful as anything else in this place! Those like hinges on the sides, those are pretty uncomfortable laying them, aren't they?"

"You have no idea," Mrs. Easter Bunny sighed.

"Perfect," Buttercup awed. But then she turned back to the subject. "So I'm gonna assume we don't poo chocolate covered raisins or anything though, right? Yeah, that'd probably be too much. Egg Laying is just enough, more funny anyway. Only girls do it. Poo is too Universal, kinda boring."

Mrs. Easter Bunny looked at Bambii, "This is the type of girl you go for?"

Bambii just shrugged.

Buttercup looked at her Mr. Easter Bunny, at the wonderful world around them. This is the world Bambii had invited her into, this is the world he wanted to share with her, Bambii so cute and fun. She completely loved him for this.

Bambii stood on the stage at the end of the aisle.

They had spent the last few months getting stuff together, dating, making sure this was the absolute perfect fit (it was). Buttercup obviously loved that she'd actually be an epic Egg Layer, but she also really liked Bambii, and he really liked her. They NEEDED to get married, they were so just CUTE together! They just made eachother so happy just by looking at eachother, and joking, and just having fun. Ship #1!

And now it was FINALLY time for their wedding.

As Buttercup made her way up the aisle in her flowing Blue and Pink Build-a-Bear-Stuffy Wedding Dress, she looked up at Bambii in his fancy black suit with white undershirt (which was kind of weird honestly as that pretty much matched his fur color anyway). But he was so cute and abortable in that fancy little bunny suit, she just couldn't help but giggle to herself.

Once she was on stage, and Pastor Blue Bird, Blue Jr. read the vows, Buttercup looked at her future huzzy-wuzzy, oh how she loved him so much.

"Bambii, do you take this bunny to be your beloved wedded wife?" Blue Jr. asked.

"I do," Bambii said.

"And Buttercup," Blue Jr. continued, "Are you willing to take your place in the Easter Bunny family and take Bambii to be your beloved wedded husband."

Buttercup just looked at Bambii, the grin on her face growing. "I do!"

"Then I now pronounce you husband and wife." Blue Jr. said.

At that, Buttercup let out a squeal and threw herself at Bambii. "I love you! I love you! I LUV YOU!" she screamed, smothering him with cuddles.

Blue Jr. just sighed. "I didn't even say 'you can now kiss the bride' yet," he mumbled to himself, unheard over the excitement. So, sighing to himself, he just gathered his things and headed off the stage.

Finally, Bambii managed to gather himself, "Okay, okay. Where did you want to go for our honeymoon? I know we already traveled pretty far together last Easter, so..."

Buttercup finally let herself take a step back, "Actually, I joined you pretty late on your trip around the world, we can still go pretty much anywhere." She paused, "How about EASTER ISLAND."

Bambii looked at her.

Buttercup giggled, "I'm joking. You probably thought 'Not again' 'we always go there on vacations and honeymoons and stuff'. Here, I got it better. Howabout..." Buttercup stopped. She actually couldn't think of any cities with Egg Laying references in their names to be honest.

"No, Easter Island's fine." Bambii said finally, "Us Easter Bunny's actually have a pretty good traditional Honeymoon spot there. Just wanted to check with you first."

"Okay," Buttercup said, "Easter Island it is."

So that is how the new Mrs. Easter Bunny came to be part of the Easter Bunny family. She knew that pretty soon she'd get her chance to lay super epic eggs for the children of the world, but right now she was on her way to her honeymoon with her super huggy-wuggy huzzy-wuzzy, and how she loved him so right now.

She'd just have to hold off on having bunnies with him for the moment, she didn't want to spoil the moment when she actually laid her first eggs. Didn't want to be having babies left and right like any other rabbit until she experienced the epicness of Egg Laying first, that was for sure.

But with that in mind, Bambii at her side, there was sure still going to be plenty of cuddling on this honeymoon, you could count on that.

[miguenhasthoughts]

03/27

I didn’t need to hide. I was able to enjoy things. Sam and I felt normal again. I didn’t feel sad today. It’s been a trend every day that there at least be a good couple hours where I felt so so hollow. Today though I felt good. I put my hair in a pretty purple bun. Wore a complimentary oversized cool tone tshirt. Leggings on for once with big boots. I felt so girly and dainty. I had to drive so my glasses had to stay one. I don’t know how I feel about the makeup and glasses combo yet but it feminizes my face at least. My hips are bigger. My chest too. They are sooooo sore right now ☠️ it was rainy for the date. I wish I had a more girly jacket but I made it work. The rain kind of fucked my hair, it always frizzes up but luckily Danae gave me stuff that fights the frizz back down.

My date didn’t seem to mind. It was just coffee. Well they got hot chocolate but the can’t chocolate was 🔥 It was nice date. I had them laughing. It was easy to get them to talk about themselves and their interests. It was wholesome. Got to hear about their favorite animal and their work, they love horror movies and cosplay. They seem multi talented in costume design and bartending so that was rad to hear about. They had a hard time following up after the questions were answered. So that was something that was awkward for me. I didn’t know when I should jump in with stuff about me. Yet that’s okay. Today I felt kind of free not worrying about my feelings.

I have two cats. Snot and Jynx. Snot was being a huge butt today. He stole broccoli from my plate. He never eats his veggies so I didn’t take it away despite the bad manners. He ate the whole thing too. He was still trying to thieve from my plate so we gave him some new snacks. When his sister seemed interested (which is rare because she hates snacks.) we tried to give her some. Snot did not like that and tried to butt in. When I picked him up to give his sister a chance. He actually cried with tears because she was eating his snack. She only took one bite. He’s such a brat. I zonked out immediately after.

I actually enjoyed today and I got to relax. I’m still self harming a bit by not eating a sufficient amount of food each day. I tried to be better today but when I ate some food it made me feel ill. So I guess baby steps to recovery.

Danae came over today and I thanked them for talking to me last week. They really hammered in how I kept making excuses for Micah and I wasn’t holding them culpable of their handling of the break up. It finally helped me to put myself as more of a priority and I think I finally am healing from it all. I still home they reach out but I’m not so sure what that would look like or feel like. One thing is for certain. It’ll require work to feel amicable again. I’m not one to hold grudges but being honest to someone on how they hurt you isn’t a grudge I guess. It’s something that depends on how you both work on building a new relationship with new boundaries and hopefully better communication.