#the alloros are mad that aros are talking about experiences

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

Hey, I'm sorry in advance that this is super long and feel free to ignore this ask if you can't or don't want to answer it, I appreciate being able to just rant somewhere anyway :) I am an aro-questioning ace girl, and I have been struggling to figure out if I'm arospec or not because there have been some people that I have gotten really attached to but I don't know if it was in a romantic way? There was this girl who I thought was really really pretty and her smile made feel so happy and warm and nervous inside. Even though there were other more "conventionally attractive" girls out there but I only felt this way around her... Maybe that was aesthetic attraction? I wasn't that close to her, but I wanted to talk to her and see her smile, and we didn't have anything in common but I still wanted to be close to her... I've NEVER felt this way for anyone else and I'm 18 and I know that it's common for alloromantic people to have felt at least very mild romantic attraction to more than 2-3 people by the time they're 18, and it's been 3 years since then, and I haven't felt this around anyone else, so I can't help that maybe I'm making up these feelings? Just so I could "have a crush"? Or maybe they're just strong platonic feelings? I guess I'm just looking for some sort of confirmation because honestly I can't deal with not having a label to put to my feelings, and I've tried going label-less for a long time. It was easy for me to figure out that I'm ace, cause I just heard the description and was like "oh shit, i thought everyone felt this way" but figuring out my romantic orientation is a whole other ordeal cause I don't want to kiss anyone ever, and wanting affection can be very much platonic, so I can't really differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction. I have one other aroace friend and they don't have the same problems, so I don't know.

Sorry for this being super super long

Anon Im slapping you in the face with a wet fish rn DON’T APOLOGISE!! THATS WHAT IM HERE FOR!! IM HERRE TO HELP YALL DONT SAY SORRY!!!!

Gonna be honest, that sounds like romantic attraction to me, but it could still be platonic attraction. My suggestion is talk to some of your alloro friends and ask them to describe what romantic attraction feels like to them, and see how close your experiences with this girl are to what theyre talking about.

Bestie I HIGHLY doubt you’re making up these feelings—why would you make up smth you’re having a whole ass crisis about?? Capital U Unlikely

Not everyone feels romantic attraction at the same time, even alloro people. I had friends who had crushes by 1st grade and I never liked anyone til 5th grade. Shit’s different for different people.

Honestly this is gonna sound very like facebook mom so I’m sorry in advance lmao but my advice is Just Chill. Like don’t get me wrong man I know exactly the kinda shit you’re going thru (I went thru the same thing w gender) like the whole anxiety hyperventilate I need to know what I am thing.

But you gotta fucking breathe dude. Inhale, exhale. Like. You may be aro, you may not be. And that’s okay. The more you try to frantically try and find a label the more confused and frustrated and mad you’ll get. So you gotta just let things be, yknow? Shit’ll fall into place eventually.

Like I used to frantically try and label myself like oh i’m genderfluid wait am I maybe I’m a demi boy maybe I’m genderfaun fuck what’s going on I feel like shit—then I realised it doesn’t fucking matter as long as I’m being myself, and not overthinking everyone to shit. I let mysrlf be, and then I realised oh shit, I’m a trans dude. Okay yknow what good for me, slay!

So here’s my advice. You like this girl—good for you, slay! Maybe it’s platonic, maybe it isn’t, but either way, you like her, so spend time with her. Don’t sweat it mate. If she makes you happy, whether it’s as a friend or as a potential girlfriend, be with her.

Hope I could help you out!!

[arodabi]

You’re 21 and you live in an internet bubble. ~*No pronouns~*~ and ~*~don’t ship aro folks~*~

Please grow up. The world does not give a single shit. Find something useful to be militant in 2000 words about. Jesus.

Are you really aro/ace or do you just have social anxiety and body issues?

wow the cis are big mad i don't use pronouns, why does that even affect you?

also buddy, this is my Aro Blog, why do you think my whole personality and life is encapsulated in this blog? if someone runs an aesthetic blog do u send them shit like “uhgjngkidghj how DARE u care more about PRETTY PICTURES than the real life HORRORS OF THE WORLD!!!!!!” i mean I could talk about my hatred of the surveillance state we live in and how its sold to us as protection and ways to make our lives better but it actually just gives big companies a way to spy on us and squeeze as much data and money out of every single person as possible. I can talk about how much I hate pyramid schemes and how they prey on people in the middle of horrible life events in order to feed the downline. i could talk about how much I hate when people undervalue my skills because I work in digital mediums and therefore they think I don't have any skills and the computer does all the work. i could talk about so many more things I'm angry and passionate about, but uhhhhhhh i don't talk about that stuff here because this is my ARO BLOG

also uhhh idek what the FUCK you mean by me being “really aro/ace” what do u wanna hear, that I'm the one who orders for all my friends because they're nervous to do so themselves? that people find me annoying because i wont stop talking to random strangers? that i literally don't even care what my body looks like bc its my body and its doing what i need it to? i don't feel attraction towards anyone, that makes me really aro ace

maybe get your head out of your ass for once and lean that people are tree dimensional beings and that no matter what my life experiences are, if i say my identity, that is what i fucking am

[aro-culture-is]

So I've been really unsure about asking this... I just learned about aromantic and such and I realized that I might be aro ace... I don't know much besides the very basics about what aromantic is so if it's not too much trouble could you maybe tell me a bit more about it (and maybe also some tips on coming out?) I really love your blog and it's a big help!

sure!

aromantic, or aro, is a description of someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction.

some common experiences of aromantic individuals:

often, though not always, experience romance repulsion. romantic situations may feel wrong, gross, or just “off”.

not knowing that romance isn’t “just friendship” by a different label, or a “more intense” version of friendship.

not experiencing romantic attraction around the typical age (ie, around 10)

being confused about what romantic attraction feels like. most alloros seem to describe it as a pretty distinct and identifiable experience.

wanting a romantic relationship in theory, but not enjoying the thought of someone actually doing romantic things with you / not enjoying someone actually doing romantic things with you

formerly id’ing as bi/pan because you felt equal attraction to all genders (0 = 0, after all)

tips about coming out:

first things first! safety is the number one concern. this isn’t just about physical safety (active harm in the form of injury, loss of shelter, loss of access to food/water, etc), but also emotional safety. If you think that coming out and receiving the most extreme, but realistic, bad reaction from that person would put you in risk of harming yourself, DO NOT COME OUT TO THAT PERSON without an emotional support network.

straight people rarely know what aromanticism is. you might want to start by floating topics like bi and pan ppl first. I’ve found that on the sexuality end, it isn’t a bad plan to start from Kinsey’s sexuality scale thing. Note the category “X” would today be largely composed of asexual individuals. that’s probably the easiest place to start in all honesty

as far as being aro goes, coming out is just a massive vocab lesson tbh. explaining the Split Attraction Model will just... have to happen in some way. Typical route is to mention how sexual advertising uses the fact that people find the models sexually attractive, but that that doesn’t mean you feel romantically attracted to them, right? then move into how people can feel romantic attraction but not sexual and sexual attraction but not romantic attraction, feel both, or neither (like you!).

overall ngl it’s just going to involve So Much Explaining. coming out as aro especially involves people having No Idea what you’re talking about. try to be patient, but don’t take shit. they’re allowed to have no prior knowledge, and you’re allowed to be mad if they clearly just want to hurt your feelings / put people down.

you can describe more if you want, but like. keep it to separate, small discussions after the coming out as aro. I don’t really understand why, but every discussion I’ve ever had with alloro people about aromantic discussions and terms ends with them having their mind totally blown or the concept being just too foreign for them to understand. it’s actually pretty annoying.

I hope this helps!

[aro-vampire]

The aro experience when you're a teenager: an example alloros hopefully can understand

*STRANGER THINGS SEASON 3 SPOILERS AHEAD*

So, it starts in the first episode, and we're introduced a year after the ending of the last season.

The show is about 6 friends that are between the ages of 14-15, where 4 of the characters are in relationships at the beginning (michael is with eleven, max is with lucas) and 2 of them are presumed to be single (will and dustin), but in the first episode we're told dustin actually is in a relationship with someone.

That leaves us to Will, he starts to feel more and more alone when his Mike and Lucas leave him out of conversations. he just wants to play d&d with his friends. he just wants to go back in time where all of his friends spent time with him. when they weren't so invested in having relationships.

He is left to his own, dustin starts hanging out with steve and robin, while mike and lucas just talk about girls. will feels left out because he doesn't have a girlfriend, and it's not his fault. he gets ignored when he plays with his friends, leaving him out of the conversation all the time.

In the third chapter, he just explodes. he goes to Mike's basement, and finally convices mike and lucas to play d&d with him. but mike and lucas just weren't in it, they were talking about how eleven and max dumped them and how they were planning on taking them back.

Will tells them several times that it isn't that important, and that they can talk about it later when the game finishes. mike and lucas continue to ignore him and keep talking.

This is where it happens, will gets so mad that he says it: he tells them that he feels left out, that they have to "stop caring about kissing stupid girls" and that he missed the old days when they would just spend time together.

Mike doesn't understand him, and tells him that they are grown up now, that it was something that had to happen at some point. will is told the classic "you will meet someone" and mike tells him that "it's not his fault that he doesn't like girls".

will is clearly hurt. he finds out that his friends, the ones that are supposed to care about him and make him feel understood, tell him that he's a freak for not having a girlfriend, that he has to have one or else he's just being "childish".

then he just leaves his friends and goes to "the castle byers", he cries while he remembers all those memories with his friends and that they're not kids anymore...

he is having a breakdown because he can't love.

what i loved about this episode specifically is the realness of his experience. i found myself crying this whole scene because i know how it feels like to be left out because of my aromanticism. specially when you're a teenager and everyone around you is having relationships.

people laught at you. people ignore you. they tell you that you'll "grow up" and eventually find someone, even those who are supposed to support you and listen to your experiences: your "friends".

Another thing i just wanted to point out: the way the fandom took this sideplot.

All I've seen is people making jokes out of it, not a single person actually thinking about this part of his identity in a serious way (which just makes this MORE realistic). everyone is just seeing it as if he's the weirdo that mike is treating him like.

It's just one of the little things that remind you of society's idea of romance:

"you aren't relevant to us if you aren't in a relationship"

"you are broken, and need to find someone to fix you if you can't love"

"you need to find someone to be with romantically, your friends won't be always there for you"

"you're just being childish for wanting something in life other than romance"

Finally, there was a realistic experience portrayed in mainstream media related to amatonormativity and how aro people are treated, and y'all just decided to take it as a joke and as a way of making fun of a character.

[arodabi]

I kno all this ship talk is getting annoying but i just wanted to make a post explaining why the way alloros treat aro characters bugs me specifically. And then I’ll shut up, maybe

I want to make it clear that i do not care if a couple assholes online write fanfic where aro character kisses ppl or is in romantic relationships. Y’all are right, some fanfics here and headcanons there don’t matter. I’ve been in fandoms where small groups of fans got mad that a character was a lesbian and started blogs just to post about how actually she was 100% straight. That’s still bad and I’m not here excusing those ppls homophobia, but it was also like a small drop in the bucket compared to how much fan content existed portraying her as a lesbian and canon enforcing it as well. At the end of the day it didn’t change her identity.

And i haven’t seen this as much but i have seen some ppl declare Todd bojackhorseman (one of the most prominent asexual characters) to actually be allosexual bc they hate ace ppl or something. I also honestly don’t give a shit about that. Not only do most people know that Todd is canonically ace, he has multiple plot lines in the show about being ace. Saying he’s not is just factually untrue.

But when a character doesn’t have those plotlines, when they never say asexual or aromantic, when all the in canon confirmation we have is “it’s just not my thing” or “I’d rather have a dog than children” or “I’m not x identity I’m nothing” or even just an external tweet from the creative team confirming it, it’s a lot easier to erase their identity. Fuck, I’ve seen a character say “i am incapable of feeling romantic attraction, i never have and i never will” and ppl still not only deny that they’re aro, it’s not even questioned that they’re alloromantic. Every time i post offhandedly about peridot from Steven universe being canonically aroace, i still have aspec ppl every time comment about how they never knew she was canonically aro bc the entire fandom continues to deny and erase her canon identity.

Ppl say “uhhh one fanfic isn’t gonna change a characters canon identity sweaty :)” “one persons headcanons don’t negate canon :))))” but when Everyone does that it does erase their identity! When nobody acknowledges it then a bunch of aspec ppl don’t even know they’re being represented! Fandoms will take scraps of tweets or one line references to enforce and prove their ship or head canon is actually canon, but when writers say “this character has never been in love” or “this character cares deeply about others but would never dream of dating or marrying anyone” then it’s “uwu but that doesn’t prove anything! U don’t have to be a heartless aro to not be a fan of dating uwu”

When the only confirmation we have is a line or two and everyone wants to steamroll over that bc their ship is more important to the point where PEOPLE LITERALLY DONT EVEN KNOW THAT CHARACTER IS SUPPOSED TO BE AROMANTIC then i have a problem! That is erasure! You are taking away our representation! You literally are doing that! And not to get into speculation but if a bunch of creators see that people fucking hate when a character is canonically aspec, they might not want to give us rep if the whole fandom turns and says “fuck you for doing that, you’re ruining my experience” i’ve seen at least one creator say “I’m not gonna confirm this characters identity because it will piss people off” when that character was previously known to be aromantic. So thanks for that i guess. I’m glad at least that there was backlash to ppl erasing yelenas identity, enough backlash to get aromantic to #2 trending which i have never seen before. At least now people are aware of her identity, at least aspec people know that she shares our identity, and when it inevitably gets erased in the MCU, at least we’ll know to be pissed about it. But for many others, ppl just don’t know, because everyone chooses knowingly or unknowingly to cut that characters identity away from them, bc idk they think someone being aspec is boring or smthn

My final conclusion i suppose is just, if a aspec representation falls in the forest and nobody ever acknowledges it, does it benefit the people it’s representing