#the album being full of yearning...

[viir-tanadhal]

nonetheless and loneliness still don't feel fully real. wdym i was right...

[radio-4-is-static]

Videos from Toaka's 1st album: 変身のレシピ music videos ҉ lyric videos ☾ shorts

[coquettepascal]

purpose on earth

summary: joel loves to take, you love to give.

tags: 18+, smut, angst(ish), jackson era!joel, cold!joel, grumpy!joel, innocent!reader, dom!joel, implied age gap (reader doesn't remember pre-outbreak), corruption kink, joel takes your undies, humiliation, oral sex (m!receiving), allusion to thigh riding, a feeling of helpless/hopeless-ness permeates this fic, reader is pretty pathetic, use of "sweet girl", objectification of reader, unrequited obsession, this fic isn't necessarily sexy, just mildly sad.

a/n: i literally wrote this like an hour ago while i was supposed to be outlining my next project, but @hellishjoel told me to listen to my creative demons... so now this is being posted.

(1.1k, just a baby)

Nothing in this world has ever, or will ever, belong to you. Faint memories glaze your mind sometimes, when you lay down to rest. Not your own memories, but things you’ve read in books and seen in abandoned family photo albums. White wedding dresses, cars that drive, Sunday night family dinner. An American lifestyle that was sucked away with the cordyceps, something only they could clear out. The bombs the government used, the ones you can’t remember anymore, they never wiped mother earth clean the way she has done for herself.

She’s infected, and not yours. Nothing outside of Jackson’s walls belongs to your human hands.

You’ve never known ownership. The clothes you wear belonged to people before you, the ground you walk on cannot be sold. Maybe in another life this would feel fulfilling, but something in you wants to know what it is to own, or even fit in. Your skin, flushed and healthy, skin full of life and blood and organs. A heart that thumps in a world of disease, disorder, death. What a weird purity you hold, something you want to ruin. 

A person like you isn’t meant to own anything here. It feels like you have to belong, if you wish to take.

He will do it for you. 

Joel knows greed, remembers the world before. His hands have taken food, land, lives, anything you can imagine. It isn’t something you realistically think about, more infatuated with how he has the ability to do all these things. Not that you hadn’t committed your own sins, but to defend yourself isn’t wrong, at least that’s what he says. Something in Joel smolders the way only a primal fire can, he is from a world whose memory of a flame will extinguish soon.

He doesn’t help with any of your wants, your need to own or belong. But Joel shows you what it is to take.

You don’t understand the fascination he has with you. The memory of the night he first led you back to his house is blurry, a fleeting moment in comparison to what has happened since. There was conversation of music, of you having a tape you wish you could play. 

His hands were slow when they slid your underwear down your legs, you hoped he wasn’t looking. Nothing about you felt sexy or womanly, you felt dwarfed when he was so close. Again, you wished you could belong, so maybe you could hide. There was a stain in the gusset and you remember how he pulled the garment off your ankles when it dangled there.

“Lemme see,” he had demanded, “lemme see what I did t’you.”

Joel had smeared his thumb through the sticky wet mark, huffing in surprise. He knew it was for him, knew there was nothing else that could have made you do that. Humiliated, you had tried to yank back your underwear, but he refused.

“S’mine now,” he laughed, cheeks rosy.

That was the first time Joel took from you. 

Now you seek him, the ache for belonging in the world twisting to a yearning for him to take from you. If you could not belong to this world, if you could not fit, at least you could fulfill him. Joel doesn’t like it when you seek him out too often, hates when others notice it. You’re not his, never his, just a moment of gratification for his consuming greed. 

Once, you waited in the early morning at the stables for him. Crouched near the barn door, you waited and watched the dewy grass grow. The crunch of his boots, the yawn he let out as he passed by you, it was enough. He said nothing to you, took off on his horse with some other man trailing behind him. 

“Joel’s so responsible,” you thought to yourself, “he’ll need me later I bet.”

Of course, he did. You relished in the small victory of him stealing from you again. Purity leaks from you in the form of drool on your chin, when he pulls you off his cock. Joel’s thumbs push the spit back in your mouth and you suck it down willingly. Praise rumbles off his tongue and into your ears, a southern rhythm you find sanctuary in. Pushing his dick back into your mouth is all pleasure to him, but it’s a taste of greed for you. 

“Sweet girl, that’s a good mouth f’me, ain’t it?” Joel asks, head tilting back.

He never takes his pants off, but he strips you naked. His eyes arguably take more than his hands ever will. The bob of his Adam's apple hypnotizes your eyes as you garble a response to his question. Scarcely do you make sense around Joel, or even speak. You don’t think you can remember the last time you held a proper conversation with him, he usually just waits for you to come around.

It all starts the same, standing on his porch and waiting until he opens the door.

“Missin’ me?” He asks every time.

Joel doesn’t miss you, he doesn’t need you. He just likes how much you give. But you miss him, as soon as he pushes you out into the cold again you miss him. His greed is your purpose.

And so with your purpose, you push yourself down to the base of him. The waterline of your eyes is welling up fast, distorting your vision of him. You blink up at him like he’ll look down, like you’re more than a mouth. You aren’t, not to him, but you get to admire him like this. The puff of his chest, the swell of his throat, and his hands when they come to rip you off him.

He never pulls your hair, just grasps your face in his worn-down palms and pushes you away before jerking himself onto your naked body. 

“S’nice, you’re so nice t’me,” he grumbles. 

Under the yellow light in Joel’s living room, you feel useful. You’re doing more than surviving in this world. You have a purpose, even if he seldom needs you. He uses the sleeves of his flannel to wipe away the tears that slide down your cheeks, still mumbling about how sweet you are. Naked, smattered in him, you smile. Glittery eyes meet his and he snorts. 

“You were missin’ me, huh?” He teases. 

Joel rubs his thumb across your cheek again, the closest thing you’ll get to his lips on you. In his post-orgasmic haze, he almost looks fond. 

“He almost likes me,” your mind whispers, your stomach fluttering, “it’s almost like I belong.”

And once you’ve nodded in response to his question, messy mouthed and gazing at him, your purpose, he taps his thigh. Blood rushes to your head as you stand, crawling onto him. 

In your obedient mind, you define your efforts for Joel as a purpose, but you think you can taste a hint of belonging each time he spreads your legs. 

[kacievvbbbb]

Wasteland baby! is the most under appreciated of the Hozier albums and truly what an album to be released just before the pandemic what a song to release before the pandemic. During an uncertain time an album about not being alone in a wasteland the way most of the songs are about devotion, to the point of fault, to the point of personal harm, to the point of manipulation, about doing everything to be with this person even when it's detrimental to you both or even when it's a person you've made up in your head, in a year when we couldn’t go out and see each other. Hozier releases an album that puts the yearning for love in the loneliness of the pandemic into words a full year before the pandemic even happened and we don’t even really talk about it and that should be a crime.

True that love in withdrawal was the weepin' of me That the sound of the saw must be known by the tree

god imagine hearing that in a pandemic and not going insane.

in this essay, I will-

[sometimeslwish]

Skyfall: All things End

So I was listening to Skyfall on loop cause it reminded me of the spoilers I've seen about Sylus' myth, and because I've been reading angst lately:

Mc has been reborn, but her memories went to someone else, that someone else is... well, you.

You've always been creative as a child, great at telling stories and even better at singing thanks to your family. You've dreamt about those moments since you were 12, always thinking those were just dreams, leftover from your wild imagination, even if they crushed your soul in the process with how vivid and realistic they were.

You grow up to become an actor, singer and songwriter. The songs are filled with themes of mystery, violence, fantasy, obsession and references to a forbidden love that ends much too soon after the death of a lover. The details change, but the story is always the same.

A woman, reborn time and time again, sometimes powerful and feared, others afraid but determined, many variations that lead to the same outcome: she encounters a man. He's the opposite of what she is or stands for, born as each others enemy. Sometimes it starts rough, both at each other's necks, sometimes it's just one of them who wants to kill while the other is simply entertained by the attempts. There's times when she'll be afraid of him, but will still stand her ground, others where he's her subject, even if under a leash.

On each one, they learn and become stronger, reaching the same level of power and growing comfortable with each other, only for it to be all ripped away.

Sometimes he dies, sometimes it's her.

You've started to gain traction after your last album. The songs are a little bit more hopeful and empowering, but they still carry the hints to the pain. You're in the middle of an interview, talking about your inspiration when you talk about your dreams. You mention considering the idea of making an album for a movie centered on the dreams, how you've gone back on your dream journals to organize everything and the fact that you're halfway through.

The interview ends with you talking about who you would like to cast for the male lead, if the choice was on your hands, and that's when you mention the man. You give chopped up features, mentioning how you've never fully remembered his face, only his voice and height. You end up describing the up and coming actor named Sylus without being aware of it.

The internet goes crazy with it.

They keep mentioning it even after your tour and next thing you know, it's no longer an idea, but a full sized project. Of course, Sylus said yes– or his manager did, who knows– and when you meet him, your world shifts on its axis. It's him, the man you've been dreaming of, the voice in your dreams you started using in your head to encourage yourself. He's real and alive.

You have no time to recollect and center yourself as he approaches along with his manager. You recognize her too, she's the woman you've seeing in your dreams. Great to finally meet the lovers, you think bitterly.

You're tense and jumpy, but you manage– through internal screams and tears, but you manage. He offers nothing to you as both of you read the script and exchange comments on scenes, and the concoction of emotions inside of you leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Does he remember? Doesn't he suspect you? Their past lives are detailed in that script, and somehow you know every detail without being her. Does he know you're the one who wrote the script? He has to, that part of the interview was the most popular, it made rounds on the internet for a while.

Why won't he say anything?

You feel more conflicted each time you see them interact, and it's even worse after you and Sylus start getting closer and comfortable with each other. Bitterness, happiness, sadness, hope, dread. Those are the emotions that you stew in. You use them to write on restless nights, songs filled with despair and yearning alike. It's harder to keep the facade the longer you go.

You don't explode, that would be a lie, you simply break during a particular scene. You can still tell between reality and fiction, but your heart doesn't. When you're acting the scene in which you loose him, holding him in your arms as you wail, you bring everyone to tears with you.

Everyone congratulates you after the scene.

"Your acting was great," says a background actor.

"That scene will surely get you an award," whispers your manager.

"It gave me full body chills!"

You smile and say your thanks, try to be humble even through the numbness of it all. There's a difference in Sylus' behavior after that, you can't pinpoint what it is, but you can guess what the reason is.

The curtain is about to close, so you pay no mind to it, you've accepted your fate, even if it hurts like hell.

@leighsartworks216 @comatosebunny09 seeing you guys being angsty rubbed off on me, so I'll thank you for inspiring this mess of an idea

Read more here

[starkitxxz]

I wrote this at 1am

Nightly visit☁

!!non-consensual touching, implied SOMNOPHILIA!!

The starry night sky wrapped the whole place like a blanket, small white dots appeared as the moon glowed in the midst of the void. Street lights flickered every minute, the warm light bulb it had given out. But it was enough to guide Sol Brugmansia to your lovely abode.

Every step he took, it was silent. Emptiness filled him – but he longed to see you. His heart ached, he yearned to have a minute of your time. A minute of your smile on your face because of him.

Or perhaps your lingering touch, brushing against his bandaged hand

He recognized everything about you, including where you place your furniture in your home. He hated seeing that slug in a photo frame. He wished it was him, beside you, in that printed paper.

He wished to be with you, to hold you and know you're his. He could not bear the thought of you being with Crowe. Ugh, the mere mention of his name makes him ill.

What does he have that Sol doesn’t?

He stood in front of his soulmate’s door, a silver key in his palm – inserted into the keyhole. And he knew, You fail to ignore such necessities missing from your ID.

Upon entering, his heart skipped a beat.

"Fuck, you’re so beautiful…"

He muttered under his breath. The glimmering moonlight highlighted your face. Displaying your beauty in front of the beast before you.

Sol approached you, his reddish orange orbs focused on you. He never fully focused on anything but you. You are on his walls. His phone gallery. His mind. Everything possible.

He lifted your arm and dropped it, a chuckle escaped his mouth. A heavy sleeper you are.

Or maybe you took something that made you so sleepy

He better thank Hyugo for this

A grin appeared on his face, it’s funny how easy you trusted him. How easy it took you to take it. So naive, Sol preferred it that way.

The last thing he wanted for you to find out was how awfully obsessed he is.

Heck, the word obsessed isn’t enough to describe what he is

He kneeled beside the bed frame, tucking a strand behind your ear. Taking in your pretty, sleeping face that he adores so much.

Gazing at your lips, he wanted it to meet his – so you will be his, like what he envisioned to happen.

He nuzzled on your neck, taking a whiff of your scent. You smell so fucking good. Like a dangerously addictive drug. It drove him nuts.

He began to nibble and bite a spot on your neck, earning a whimper from you. It sent shivers down his spine, as a mark started to form.

"Oh darling, you have no idea what you’re doing to me," He whispered, sucking the mark. A mark that will surely be visible on your neck, to the eyes of many – especially him, knowing he created that mark.

Another whimper escaped your lips. His breath hitched, kissing the small hickey he created.

"You’re so ticklish, pumpkin – even the sounds you make, it makes me want to fuck you"

Not long after that, he places his thumb on your bottom lip. Caressing it. He craved to kiss you so badly – to feel your lips, to know you’re his.

After all, YOU belong to him.

You’re his soulmate, his beloved, his maiden by the name of Annabel Lee

He pressed his lips against yours, warmth surrounded him. Claiming you as his, not Crowe. He was dying for this, he desired to be with you alone in this room – kissing you.

"I love you so much…"

He mumbled as he leaned back. Looking at you like a valuable possession – too valuable and pretty to be shared with. Admiring your perfect features, ignoring your flaws. To him, you don’t have flaws.

You’re everything he could love about you

Staring at the figure before him, he smiled and took a picture of you. Adding it to his phone album full of photos of you.

He stood up and walked to the door, giving you one last look. Holding his phone in his hand. He hoped that it would be your hand that only he would hold soon.

"See you tomorrow, pumpkin," He said, before twisting the door knob.

And with that, he left.

[d0g-water]

Quackity giving reader a surprise visit after a long distance relationship? :o

I imagine he he would not tell the reader anything until he met her face to face 😭😭

you and quackity have been dating for months now, yet still haven't met.

he's always busy with these giant projects and events he participates in; you, on the other hand, had a full schedule as well. so meeting up was a plan that was pretty difficult to arrange a date for.

you are a member of a small rock band, with many rehearsals and meetings up your sleeve. the band has been growing as of lately, and you always think about how supportive your lovely boyfriend is. telling you how talented you are, how he'd love to watch you perform one day, even though you weren't the main vocalist. however, you did have your own song, and alexis added it to his public playlist.

he's so adorable. he knows that none of his fans have a single clue that he is dating someone who wrote one of his favorite songs, but he still tries his best to help you and your bandmates out.

right now, things are getting a bit shaky. since the band finally has enough fans to go on tour, it meant more practicing and less time with alexis.

you were going to perform near his city, but he said he couldn't come. he talked about being just as upset as you were, and that he'd rather go see you than leave to a different state to participate in one of his friend's projects.

you didn't take it to heart because you two still had so many opportunities to see each other.

the night before the concert, you suddenly had an empty feeling. you were going to be near your boyfriend, but you couldn't see him.

you tell him about it, his messages making you feel better, but you still wanted him to show up...

[Today, 3:04 A.M.]

alex <3: hey, we'll see each other soon, okay?

alex <3: i love you so much.

alex <3: i'm going to spend hours scrolling to find video concerts of you.

you hold these messages close to your heart, wanting to tear up and just sob your eyes out but you couldn't.

tonight is all about singing for a crowd that sold out this venue. everyone is cheering for you,

but something felt odd.

your gut tells your eyes to scan the front row for some reason, even though you shouldn't, otherwise you'll get distracted and mess up.

and... despite doing it anyway, you realize that...

you really shouldn't have.

alexis was literally in the fucking crowd.

he wore a white shirt with your band's latest album on it and a black bucket hat. you nearly choked, your eyes widening, as he's looking directly at you and giving you an idiotic smile.

he really made sure this was a surprise.

as much as you wanted to throw your guitar and run off stage, you couldn't. you have to wait a whole two hours to do so.

......

post-performance, your bandmates noticed that you performed less decent than usual. they wanted to check up on you and possibly lecture that this is something serious, and if you wanted to grow bigger, than you have to do your best.

you didn't really want to hear that right now.

you want to see your boyfriend.

"fuck, where is he..." you pant out, running around the empty venue with your bandmates chasing you from far away, praying to god that alexis didn't leave.

you've been waiting what felt like years for this, you spent so long yearning for his touch, you spent so many nights crying over the letters and gifts he's sent you.

now, he's somewhere within a five-hundred feet radius.

you call out his name after breaking into every single room in the damn building, desperate, and out of your mind trying to look for this guy. your bandmates were trying to stop you, telling you that he's left already and that you should go.

you're not a stubborn girl, but today, you're not letting anything get in the way of meeting the love of your life.

there's so much you want to tell him, there's so much you want to do, there's so much you want to give him...

but it seems like everything is worthless, you can't find him. you've completely lost all home. you spent almost thirty minutes looking for him, you looked through the whole place, yet you still couldn't find him.

black tears roll down your face, your eyelashes getting sticky, your vision getting blurry. fuck, maybe you should have ran off the stage after all...

your bandmates lost you, and you don't really feel like finding them. instead, you're going to sit outside and cry.

the front is so empty, the ticket booth was closed, as well as the merch shop. the only thing available was some lonely bench by the singular trash can in front of the gates.

however, there was something in the distance, but you couldn't tell what it was. you're still crying your eyes out, almost cleaning up your makeup.

you sniffled and hiccuped on your way to sit down, wiping your tears with sweaty palms, not noticing the figure growing bigger...

something was white and tan, it was taking up your view of the world.

you were about to walk away, as you couldn't deal with anything right now, until that same unusual stature had a voice you recognized almost immediately--

"oh my god, is that y/n from the band i just saw? i'm a huge fan!"

...asshole.

you sprint into his arms so fucking quick, as they wrap around you so tight it almost relieves every single need in your body.

god. you're finally in them, and you're not even dreaming.

you're in so deep, and what brings you in even more is his voice, right in your ear, say "i love you."

you can't take these words anymore, you're sick of them, you need something more. you pull away from his grasp, using the collar of your shirt to clear up your vision and wipe the lower part of your face.

he looks at you with the shiniest eyes, looking like he was about to say something, but was too late to say it.

you forcefully grab his shoulders, stealing his lips quickly, acting like somebody was around and getting to it before you could.

you've never felt so strong about something. you sing and write these things like it was a goal in your life, merely convinced that you wouldn't experience shit like this...

he could feel how bewildered you are, he could sense that you didn't want to break this kiss, knowing that the two of you are losing oxygen...

alexis holds your waist, as his lips leave yours, making you upset.

he smiles so widely, his face turning pink.

"you're not the type to want breaks, huh?" he teases.

your eyebrows narrow, grumbling at him, "you kept me waiting for so long."

his giggles in person were so much cuter than over-the-screen...

you love him so much.

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I know you don't like discussing the muses but i love your takes and perspectives and i had to ask you about this. after listening to ttpd, did you have the impression that she really loved matty more than any of her exes/previous relationships?. And listening to the whole album as a whole would you call it the ''matty album'' or do you think there are more prominent themes in there than their period together?. (hope this doesn't bother you, feel free to delete if you don't feel like answering it)

hey anon! You're right, I don't really like to get into the muses as I don't really think there's anything to add to the conversation at this point, and ultimately I don't think it matters.

That being said, and with the caveat that I am not Taylor and I do not know Taylor so I cannot speak to her thoughts and can only make relatively educated guesses based on being an avid consumer of her work and a student of the human condition (lol), no I do not think Taylor loved Matty more than anyone else. I think there was maybe a brief period in the thick of things where she *thought* she did because she was not thinking clearly and was in full-on denial, but to me the message that is loud and clear in the album (and more or less explicitly stated in the epilogue) is that it was not any kind of real love affair. It was certainly infatuation and lust and the promise of something more, and there may have been some love as well, but he was in no way the love of her life by any measure.

I would call it a "Matty album" insofar as they're about events in which he was present, sure. But I feel it much more as a Taylor album, if that makes sense, even though I know that's a cop out because every album is to a degree. I can't explain it well, but I don't see TTPD as a Matty (or Joe) album in the way that I would maybe say Red is a "Jake" album or 1989 may be a "Harry" album or even Lover being a "Joe" album whatever, because even if they don't figure in all the songs, that kind of heartbreak permeates so much of the material.

The thing about TTPD and the Matty situation is that the Matty situation is really a Joe situation (which in some ways is actually partially a Jake situation). I always say I hate treating Taylor like a character so I hate speaking about her and her work in this way, but you don't get the Matty situation without the Joe situation precipitating it. It's @taylortruther's now-infamous donut vs. hole analogy. The reason Taylor makes the choices she does with Matty is directly tied to what happened with Joe that made her feel she needed to. Which is not to say Taylor isn't responsible for her own actions or doesn't have agency in her own life, but I mean it in that the situation in which she found herself with Joe, and the pain it caused, is what made the alternative so comforting and perhaps even necessary in her mind. It's why it makes it so hard to "paternity test" the album, because the stories are inherently intertwined and you don't get the former without the latter.

The major "theme" of the album to me is the loss of a very specific, very personal dream, and the way in which she lost it, and the way in which grieving that loss drove her to make the choices she did. We're all talking very delicately about it because it's a sensitive topic, but it's late on Friday and few people are going to see this, so I'm going to say it: it's the give you my wild, give you a child of it all. The yearning she expresses both overtly and sub-textually for having a family in the album is palpable in a very iykyk kind of way, and it's the realization that those plans are not going to come to fruition in the way she had once imagined that drives a lot of the pain she experiences, and makes her jump at the chance to find that again with someone else.

I started a draft post about the theme of womanhood and motherhood on TTPD three months ago that I never finished because I ran out of time and ran out of steam, but it was the most striking thing to me on the album, not because I didn't know that she wanted those things because that's been obvious for years (definitely since Lover, and again, peace put it all on the table), but because the vulnerability she expressed about it on the album is incredibly moving, and it's so generous of her to trust listeners with those feelings and experiences.

Again, it's the thirtysomething of it all.

She is in relationship A which she at one point believes is forever, one which she at one point believes is going to lead to marriage and children. She is so committed to that dream that she either ignores or tries to fix serious issues that may otherwise lead others to think the two people in the relationship are incompatible, both because she loves the person deeply and because she feels that this is meant to be the way she achieves that dream. She gives it her everything, and it still dies a slow, painful, onerous death, and she feels like it may take her along with it. The dream of getting married and presumably having a family gets taken off the table: how we don't know and will likely never know because that is private between the parties involved. All that matters in the context of the album is that those plans never come to fruition and never would.

Then you have relationship B, an old flame who knows just enough buttons to push both to trigger and to flatter. A person who she presumably trusts with very sensitive, personal information as her life slowly crumbles, and this person is telling her all the things she wants to hear because he knows about what is happening in relationship A because she's told him. Person in relationship B doesn't get an "in" with her and sell her this dream unless what happens in relationship A precedes it. It's not a grand love affair for the ages, it's not a mutual decision on building their own dream together. It's Person B learning about what is happening with Person A and saying "I can do that!" even if he can't or doesn't. The dream he sells her is a rental car; it's not his own, he's just borrowing it from someone else and selling it back to her.

And the reason she falls for it is because it is what she aches for the most in her personal life, and she is grappling with it disintegrating, so she (unfortunately for her) falls for the easy way out, and in turn sells herself a story about how this must be fated, and this must be meant to be, because this person wants all the same things she does and she didn't even have to bargain for it! Well, yes, because she fed him the dream in the first place. (Like a mark falling for a sleeper cell spy.) It's too good to be true because it isn't true. IMO Person B doesn't come running out of the gate with the marriage/baby/dream life promises unless he knows that is what she most desires. But what's left unsaid out of all of it is that: those dreams were her dreams because they were her dreams with Person A. It was a whole life they had together, and a whole life they had planned for in some fashion, and a whole life that has to be dismantled in the aftermath.

So all this to say, yes, on the surface, Matty is a "main character" on the album, but truly he's a side character to Taylor as the narrator and person experiencing it and Joe as the ghost bit-player-who-haunts-every-scene. (Again, I hate referring to real people as characters, it gives me the absolute ick, but in this case it's the only way to answer the question.) I jokingly call it the Matty album for shorthand or when I want to say something out of pocket, but really, it's a disservice to the album to say that because it's not a muse album as in it's about the romance (like, say, Red often is), it's about a soul-crushing heartbreak that goes beyond it. The romance is the symptom, not the cause.

The loss of youth is tied in with all this: she's not 22 anymore. She isn't even 32 anymore. She had a very specific idea of what her life was going to look like at this point and had planned for that life, and it goes up in smoke. But again, to bring the womanhood into it all: there is, unfortunately, a deadline for these things. You're with someone for over half a decade you think is going to be your life partner and father of your children and and then he's not. You spent half a decade building this relationship for it to crumble, but now you're in your mid-30s and you don't necessarily have another half-decade to build that trust and faith in someone else before being ready to start a family. And maybe you're scared that anyone else who may become your partner will need that much time to build that trust and faith, because that's kind of all you've ever know in relationships. But lo and behold, someone comes into your life you once had feelings for and maybe now do again and is offering you everything you want and thought you'd have by this point in your life right now. It feels like an elixir that as we find out is actually poison.

That youth is not just the chance for motherhood, but it's also the hopes and idealism and belief in the future that often gradually erodes as we age. But for Taylor as well, it's also tied into the trauma of what she went through particularly in 2016, which kicks off a lot of things on the album as well (her retreat, her relationship with Joe, the pivoting in her career, etc.). That event caused a pretty clear before/after in her life (like a few other events, I suspect), and another major theme in the album is her finally grappling with the full weight of that. They're all different branches of the same tree of the story of TTPD and her life.

I could talk about this stuff forever, but I'm going to stop here because it's long enough and I should save stuff for one of the dozens of drafts I have half-baked lol. But this is just something I needed to get off my chest perhaps.

[marchswifey]

Kai Anderson’s NSFW alphabet

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

You don't get any, go to bed, all he's going to do is say ‘I love you. good night bitch’ or something like that

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

On himself he likes his hands, he loves squeezing your ass with his big hands. On you he likes your ass, he loves to slap it and he probably just likes to look at it

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

Kai likes a lot to cum on your ass or on the bottom of your stomach, but when you suck it he likes when you swallow it. He basically loves to cum everywhere to get you dirty

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He secretly has an album of your nudes :)

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Kai has had a lot of bitches before you so he’s a lot experienced.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

He loves doggy style because he gets a big veiw of your ass and has full control

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

NO he’s very serious, the most goofy you'll have is him teasing you

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Doesn't do anything, he just leaves it there

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.)

For him it depends. He can be one day then not the next day. It depends on his mood

J = Jack off (Masturbation Headcanon)

As I said he has a secret album of you so yees, but not often

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Everything he will do everything.

Pet kink, degrading kink, bondage, breeding kink, & more

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

He will do it everywhere to be honest, but his favorite place to do it is in the shower

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Your ass, he finds it hot

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He'll do anything to you

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He prefers to receive he just likes to see you on your knees chocking on it

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He is very fast and rough with you, he loves to make you scream and if you ask him to slow down he will surely accelerate his pace.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Yes, if he's feeling excited and just wants you for a bit, he'll make a quikie

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

He can be quite risky, he's not afraid of being caught "I'm the divine ruler, I can do whatever I want".

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

He work out so he has a good endurance

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Yes, he owns so many

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

A lot. He will tease you all day and then fuck the life out of you at night



V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He actually only moans when you suck it, but they're very soft the rest of the time he growls or grunts

W = Wild Card (A random headcanon for the character)

Sometimes he records you two having sex

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

He’s a 8 inches, very thick

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is through the roof. He will fuck any time he can and wherever he can

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Usually he just rolls over to his side and fall asleep but if he’s (rarely) feeling a bit romantic he will push you to his chest, in the morning you’d wake up alone in the room though because he’s already awake making plans for the cult

[drdemonprince]

I sat on the floor surrounded by all these written words that evoked nothing but painful memories and past failures. I had always been so precious about anything written down, even holding onto papers I wrote in college and every letter anyone ever sent me. In the past it had pained me deeply when I would hear about a writer burning their drafts or a family member throwing away their letters and journals after they died—to me, it seemed that words were the mark of a life, the storehouse of memory, the only real memorial that mattered. It wasn’t that I felt I would someday be famous and researchers would want to cull through the written archive of my life; half a century in, I had no such grand illusions. Nor did I remotely imagine that my children would want someday to read through all these words. I didn’t even like reading them myself. Like photographs, written scraps of the past spark in me a painful sort of nostalgia, full of an anxious feeling of loss. Even the most pleasant memories captured in a snapshot or a postcard become a reminder of everything I don’t remember, a taunt of every moment not held and lived fully, now gone forever. I have photo albums full of pictures of my children’s early years that I never look at, not because they aren’t precious to me, but because they are so very precious to me. Casting an eye back only drives home how ephemeral it all was. And is. And yet, I had collected all these words—words I was sure no one would ever read, words filling notebooks and boxes and accordian files—like a cold-case storage locker full of the evidence of a life still waiting to be solved.

Here in black and white was a grotesque horror-show version of “this is your life.” I had convinced myself that my late-blooming creative life was new, that I had only discovered myself as a writer in my 40’s once my children were both in school. I had told myself that the growing despair in my marriage was a function of the startling discovery that I might be more than pure intellect, that I might in fact have a deep, visceral, erotic well of creativity yearning to bubble out of me. That I might—dare I claim it?—be a writer. I had convinced myself that was all new, like a mystical vision first revealed to me in my 40’s, a calling that I had to leave my marriage in order to pursue. But the words I now read in these journals and letters were from a much earlier time.  They were from the very beginning. A journal entry on the first anniversary of my relationship: “Why can’t I inspire any passion in [my ex-wife]?” It was 1988 and I was 22. 

Plaintive scribbles scrawled across notebook pages: “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why can’t I be normal?”  Words cascading down and across the page with no regard for the college rule of the notebook, a mind-map exercise I might have taught to my high school English students in my early 20’s: worthless, unlovable, UNDESIRABLE, FREAK.

And worse: pages spilling over with my dreams of being a writer—pages dated from my 20’s, not my 40’s—full of all the ideas and the passion I had inside of me that I yearned to put into words and send into the world.  I had been yearning for and failing at writing for decades. For my entire adult life.  And now that I had finally gotten myself free, it seemed the trauma of leaving had crushed me. Stolen my words. Maybe it was too late, I would never get my shit together. 

My friend M. Rose is such a wonderful writer, and I love this piece a lot!!

[sweet-s0rr0w]

day 15 of @hprecfest - a fic over 50k

Star Quality by who_la_hoop - E, 119k, 2018

Summary: Two years after the war, and Harry’s content with his life. OK, so it’s a little annoying that he keeps winning Witch Weekly’s Most Eligible Bachelor award, and he’s really not looking forward to the unveiling of an enormous gold statue of himself, but he loves his friends, and he loves being an Auror. And if he yearns for something more, something he can barely bring himself to think about, well, he’ll probably get over it. No one’s happy all the time, are they?

But then everything changes, and Harry’s thrown into a new and dazzling world he’s not sure he can actually escape from. And as time goes on, he starts to wonder: does he actually want to?

Excerpt:

At some point the queue wound its way past a line of tills, and he was forced to buy a copy of Malfoy’s album as his entrance ticket to the signing. Why he also picked up a copy of the ‘authorised autobiography’ Sarah had shared with him earlier, which was also on offer by the till, he wasn’t entirely sure, but he shoved it into the plastic bag the checkout girl offered him and tried not to brood. “Big fan of Draco, are you?” she asked, the words curiously like a snigger, and looked him up and down.

Harry considered this, and decided the only dignified response was silence. “He’s OK,” he mumbled when the girl continued to look at him, waiting for an answer. He could feel his face going all hot.

The girl actually sniggered out loud this time, before turning to the girls behind him, and Harry wished he’d gone with his original silence scheme. Did he look like a wally right now? He considered the idea gloomily and concluded that he did. Not only had he, a grown man, apparently queued up for hours to get the autograph of another grown man, but he was wearing an ill-fitting outfit that even he had to admit did him no favours. And then there was his hair to consider. It was undoubtedly doing the thing it always did. Harry didn’t want to impress Malfoy, he really didn’t, but he found himself reaching up to try and surreptitiously flatten his hair down into something half-acceptable, and found no comfort in the fact that Samantha tapped him on the shoulder and, with a silent look of comradeship, passed him a tiny hairbrush and her hand mirror. He brushed half-heartedly, and then glanced in the mirror only long enough to confirm that, yes, it had made absolutely no difference – had brushing it actually made it worse? – before passing it back with a ‘thank you’ that he tried to make sound sincere.

“Don’t worry,” Samantha added in a confidential whisper, leaning closer as she stowed the brush away again in her handbag, “Draco will see what’s in your heart, and that’s the most important thing.”

I know it's not exactly an unknown fic, but I love who_la_hoop, and this is my favourite fic by them (Sleeping Beauty Curse a close second). Basic premise is that Harry, fed up with fame, accidentally makes a wish on a star, and wakes up as a Muggle, in a world where no-one knows who he is. Confused, he wanders around London, and when he walks past the Virgin Megastore he sees a giant poster for popstar Draco Malfoy's latest record - and hey, guess what, he's having an album signing today! And hey, guess what else Harry, you're about to have a major crisis of sexuality! It's exactly the kind of thing I wish I'd thought of writing; all the scenes are just so well observed and funny, this Malfoy's great, full of swagger (with his management team composed of the Slytherins, of course) but soft underneath, and last but not least, the sex scenes are obviously incredibly hot.

If you read it, and if especially you love it, please do let me know! And as always, please do take the time to leave the author a kudos/comment <3

day 1 - first fic you remember reading

day 2 - a fic rated G

day 3 - a fic not on ao3

day 4 - a comfort fic

day 5 - a romantic fic

day 6 - a fic for a ship you don’t normally read

day 7 - the best of your OTP

day 8 - a fic that was recced to you

day 9 - a WIP

day 10 - a fest/event fic

day 11 - an underrated fic

day 12 - a fic from your favourite author

day 13 - a rare pair

day 14 - a fic rated T

[glass-strawberries]

The Valley by The Oh Hellos: A Biblical Song Analysis

*Full analysis under the cut*

By @glass-strawberries and @glass--grapes

Author's note: we grew up Christian and we love whimsical music so hearing all these references from our childhood hit pretty well. We wanted to analyze it and share all the references because The Oh Hellos are honestly some of the best lyricists we’ve seen. 

This analysis does contain references to Genius Lyrics where we didn’t know what the lyrics were referring to. We didn’t copy them, but we added additional information.

The Valley 

Background/song summary: The Valley is the first track in The Oh Hellos Through the Deep, Dark Valley. Though the album is coined as a concept album, the concept itself is very loose. The album was made in respect to love, journeys, and righting past wrongs. 

This song is about the struggle and confusion of being born into wickedness or sin, as all humans are following the fall of humanity (the original sin). The speaker seeks a leader to the light. 

Lyric Analysis:

We were born in the valley Of the dead and the wicked

A reference to the Valley of Canaan, the ancient land that is now known as Israel/ Palestine. 

That our father's father found And where we laid him down

Moses led the Israelites to the land of Canaan as they were fleeing Egyptian captivity. Before Moses could get there, he essentially pissed off God and was banished from entering the promised land. He dies in Moab and God buries him there(Deuteronomy 34). 

We were born in the shadow Of the crimes of our fathers

 After the fall of humanity, every human ever born is born with sin. The “fathers” in this sense is everyone who came before them(Romans 3:23-24). The speaker struggles with discrimination and labels placed on them from their fathers. 

Blood was our inheritance No, we did not ask for this Will you lead me?

Canaanites were considered wicked, and were killed in a genocide against them. The speaker resents the sin that they have inherited, having been credited to this crime against the Canaanites. They once again yearn for a leader.

We were young when we heard you call Our names in the silence Like a fire in the dark

The speaker did not know God until they started to hope for a leader or divine intervention. God says that He will reveal Himself to those who truly seek him(1 John 3:2). The Bible states that when God calls out to you, He will call you by name and you will know immediately that it was Him that was speaking (Isaiah 43:1).

Like a sword upon our hearts We came down to the water And we begged for forgiveness

Water baptism is a symbolic representation of death in the flesh and being brought back to life in a new “body” that will “live” forever. The purpose of baptism is defined differently in different branches of Christianity and even among churches, but the two popular ones are: 

To proclaim your faith publicly(either way, you are saved as long as you have faith)

To become a true christian and be saved(you will not be saved unless you are baptized)

The singer chose to repent for their sins. Shadows lurking close behind We were fleeing for our lives Will you lead me?

Psalm 23:3- He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

1/24

[whatiwillsay]

Ok, more spiraling… what if “ready for it” was originally written for Matty then repurposed for Joe?

no guys the timeline still exists. she had a fling with matty at the end of 2014 and it was wrapped up by the time she got with calvin in early 2015. she did not start writing songs that made the rep album until well over a year later, right when she met joe (and got closer with lily requsite tily acknowledgement for those of you that dabble)

in fall of 2016 she starts hooking up with joe and goes crazy writing all the songs for rep, they tie back to him not matty.

i think we have to look at matty in the context of things falling apart so horribly with joe and being hard and toxic for a long time. i think she saw joe as The Answer to snakegate (it’s how she won it) and also The Answer to her yearning for golden love and she got so desperate when she realized it wasn’t going to work with Golden Joe she pivoted HARD into matty and his love bombs she put matty on a Pedestal quickly because losing joe drove her a bit mad.

i don’t think matty is actual some golden love she’d been craving for years, i think he was a fling she wondered about but nothing too deep until she reconnected with him during the wreckage of failed toe.

we can certainly revisit (in fact i think we must) songs like the 1, cardigan, illicit affairs, high infidelity and ivy with matty in mind but reputation and lover are mostly about joe. we can keep an eye on them ofc but the timeline remains.

this is why we started covering the toe timeline!

make sure and tune in if you want the full data set

[not-goldy]

And there you go again.

Looking at their solo path, and the work they've each put in, you think Jimin is the one NOT wanting a solo career or the one not taking it seriously?

He sat in there for months and created his own album unlike others who were gifted songs and chart placements for free. You'll need to stop the bs about jm not wanting a solo career when he's literally the one that almost tore his joints practising 2 choreos, when he could have skipped music bank although.

There could be a zillion reasons why he's stayed with them. But him not wanting a solo career or not taking it seriously is not it.

Maybe he'll even return from military and announce he never signed the dotted line for renewal, for all we know.

Youll are more annoying than that fkass company.

I hope by that you mean here I go being right again 🥴

He'll return and say what now????

Hold on to that fairy tale

But let's delve into the why he's doing these solo gigs

And oh for someone you claim been yearning to go solo for so many years this was one of the difficult decisions he ever made

Dude says Solo don't really mean much 🙄

And fyi

HE THINKS BEING OT7 IS MUCH MORE MEANINGFUL

COS HE LOVES BEING WITH THE TEAM🥺

He's a social being. He loves human connections he had to move in with his producer to make like crazy and that was one of the best moments of his solo adventures.

Also all these promotions and schedules are done by the members themselves JUST AS I HAVE BEEN TELLING YALL. THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN LAY ON THE COMPANY THEY DO HAVE AGENCY AND CHOICE AND AUTONOMY IN THESE THINGS

At the end of the day,

HE CANT WAIT TO GO BACK TO OT7.

At the end of the day, your opinion is yours- KEEP IT

Personally I don't think he wants now RIGHT NOW IN HIS LIFE. AND IF HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO GO SO SOLO WATCH HIM PURSUE THAT WITH THE FULL FORCE OF HIS STARDOM.

The one who wants this much is the one pulling all strings to make it happen use your brain for a sec

[btr-rewatch]

Big Time Rush Song Rankings (+ commentary nobody asked for): "BTR"

I was bored. Decided to go through their albums and put them into a list from favorite to least favorite.

"Worldwide": Is it possible this song is overrated and hyped too much? No. This song was on heavy rotation for me from the moment I heard it. Wonderful song, 10/10. Full of love and yearning. Their all white outfits in the music video? Iconic. My mom's friend's daughter went to one of their shows and was picked as the Worldwide Girl, and young me didn't handle that well (I wasn't even AT the concert, so not like I had a chance, but still). I'm almost over it.

"Til I Forget About You": When they would show the music video for this during commercial breaks on Nick, I would leap from the couch and do the dance along with them. There used to be a good analysis post breaking down each of the boys' sections in the song and how it correlates with their personalities in the show and how they deal with heartbreak (there's also one for "Famous" that does the same).

"Big Time Rush": I used to sit on the school bus and stare blankly out the window listening to this one on repeat at like 7:45 in the morning. Just...not even awake yet but psyching myself up to live it big time.

"Famous": This one is pretty much tied with "Big Time Rush" in my head, and I'm tempted to bump it to 3, but the song's theme ultimately wins out. Love this song. Can't help but see it in a weirdly haunting light due to the above mentioned "Famous Analysis" post that I read over and over when I was younger and changed the way I saw the song from that point on. Thank you to Swedish girl-group Play for giving us this song. (I assume most people in the fandom have seen or heard the Play version already but if not, check it out)

"Halfway There": Ok, so. I love this song, but EVERY TIME I listen to it, I'm filled with slight annoyance over the fact that it's the "different" version than was originally released. When this single was released, it was KENDALL who sang the opening lines ("When the chips are down, back against the wall" etc) and then James who did his part later. That's the version I listened to for months before they got rid of it and replaced it with the version that appeared on their album. It was a jarring experience for me, and I've never quite fully recovered. The song will forever sound slightly wrong to me because of it.

"Stuck": Prior to starting this blog and doing the rewatch, I hadn't heard a lot of their songs for years, and I had completely forgotten this one existed. Like, it had been wiped from my brain. Rediscovering it was fun.

"City is Ours": Fun fact-my sister is scarred for life from this song and can no longer listen to it because when she was younger, she used it as her alarm tone to get up for school. It's forever associated with waking up in a panic early in the morning and has been ruined for her since the show's original run.

"This is Our Someday": I feel like this song is one of those forgotten ones. I don't remember it being big either in the show or outside of it back in the day (and it has the second lowest listens on Spotify). I do like it, though. Such a hopeful tune, and the line, "One is good, but four is better?" That's a good one. So true, guys.

"Count on You": This is a sweet one. I LOVE the music video for it in the Jordin Sparks episode. It's just. It's smooth. It feels like silk in my brain, though it's not one of my faves. I especially like how Logan's part, "What would I wanna do that for?" comes right at the "four" mark in their counting. Very nice.

"Big Night": Was never really a fan of this one because something about the way the music is structured bothers me but it's super sing-able, so it gets some props for that.

"I Know You Know": This one was going to be number 12, but it gets a bump up due to the acoustic version from '22 giving me slightly more appreciation for it. My original list didn't even include this song because I totally forgot about it until just now when I was going through the album.

"Oh Yeah": Not much to say about this one. I didn't really listen to it when I was younger because it was a "James song" and he was my least favorite of the guys singing-wise. (I am SORRY James stans) Love the spinning Logan head in the music video, though. I remember the fandom really enjoying that part.

"Nothing Even Matters": I simply don't have feelings about this song one way or another. It's just there.

"Any Kind of Guy": I have bizarre issues with this song. Gives me sensations of unpleasant colors and patterns. Zig-zaggy and burnt orange and brown. Bleh. Last place for "Any Kind of Guy." I think the silly music video with all the costumes didn't help.

[ginsengkittensecondary]

I HAVE MOVED TO MY MAIN. PLEASE FOLLOW GINSENGKITTEN FOR UPDATES. STORY WILL CONTINUE THERE. <3

༺Beautiful Dangerous༻

a slashxreader fanfiction

༺☆༻

Chapter Two:

A snake & a lighter

Word count approx: 1700

☆Track list☆

Lullaby - The Cure

Talk Show Host - RadioHead

A Large python is inching its way towards the door of your bedroom. It's dark in your room, it must be night, you think? Moonlight drowns the room and the shadows of the rain sprinkle down your floral wallpaper. It feels familiar. The makeup bottles on your white dresser. Your denim jacket on its regular hook. Your stuffed animals preciously lined against your floor. School photos of you in miscellaneous academics adorned the wall. The snake continues, this dangerous animal making its way into your room. You see yourself asleep in your own bed like watching some sort of demented film. You want to alert yourself of the impending danger. The snake reaches the foot of your bed and you feel your muscles strain. You try to scream to yourself "WAKE UP! WAKE UP ITS GOING TO GET YOU!" but no noise seems to come out. You feel breathless. The snake slowly climbs onto your bed, paving it's large body through your comforter. You watch it approach your helpless body. You watch, terrified as the snake begins to hug around your body. You feel the tension of the snake starting to tighten harder and harder. It's getting difficult to breathe when some sort of...heat fills your chest. you feel your chest raising and deflating with hot electricity. This same feeling you had felt a week ago at the records store. When that..guy..stared into your soul like a lion to a lamb. Suddenly you surrender to it all. You want this. The fear and the heat entangle you as you fade into darkness. Wake up,wake up, wake up.

"Wake Up Y/N!" Daisy's voice echos into your consciousness. You snap awake with a gasp. Daisy is timidly sat at the edge of your bed, a look of concern on her face. "Y/N, I think you were having a nightmare." She says softly. The morning light blisters the bed through the white curtains of the guest bedroom. Your eyes squint as you come to. You feel your heart beat slowing. "You're all sweaty" she laughs slightly as if to mend the awkward awakening with humor. "Oh..." You sit up in a daze, sleepily rubbing your eyes. "What a terrible way to wake up on your birthday!" Daisy laughs louder now, she skips to the window and excitedly strings the curtains open. "My god!" You laugh and practically hiss at the light like a vampire. The light shocks you fully awake probably as Daisy intended. She did not take lightly to birthdays. Your 18th birthday. Wow what a milestone. How weird. I don't feel so different, am I supposed to feel-adultish? You thought to yourself as you accustom yourself to being awake. "My little baby ain't a baby no more!" Daisy cooed in a semi false sad, motherly tone as she embraced you in your sweaty pajamas. Daisy had turned 18 in February and was older by just a little. But she was more experienced in just about everything and sometimes felt like an older sister. You spent your birthday each year at Daisy's as it fell in June, right as you were on your regularly scheduled summer stay. You had started being sent away during the summers as mother and daddy chose to work full time during the summers as it was the busiest season for their line of work. At least that's what they tell you. The true reason was, as their only daughter, they took no chances of you getting into trouble or mischief like the rest of the teenagers in your town would during summer. The number of teen pregnancies that occurred the summer you turned 12 shocked your parents so intensely that they opted to ship you away entirely to the safe haven that is....Hollywood...and up until now it's worked it's job with only few instances of mischief under Daisy's wing. And yet this new feeling of yearning gnawed at you. It began the day you had listened to the Aerosmith album. The inner yearning for something more. Something new.

-

You sit in a trance at the dining table. Your breakfast untouched before you. Your apetite escapes you as you recount the nightmare in your head. Snakes. You've never really feared snakes. You haven't even seen one recently that would provoke such a fright. You recall on the warmth of emotion that overtook you in the dream. Almost a pleasurable sensation? Fear and Pleasure. You felt torn from feeling such intense emotions simultaneously. Confused at where this came from, some unidentifiable sense of impending doom ate away at you. Aunt Shena had prepared a gorgeous spread in honor of your birthday. She was religiously intense but her heart meant good always. She was present when she could be but could often be found hypocritically passed out from her anti anxieties or shopping uncle Robs salary away. Again, she meant well.

"Now girls." Aunt Shena excused herself from the table, dabbing non existent remnants of her uneaten food from the corners of her lipsticked mouth. "While I'd love to stay and join in on the festivities, I've got to get to a very important meeting with the crochet group for a fundraiser. I know you've only just turned 18, Y/N, but I thought it might be nice to go to the beach or a night showing at the movies?" Aunt shena primped her hair in the hallway mirror. "Just don't-" she paused and smiled at us both. "Don't tell your uncle Rob I've let you out so soon unsupervised. He doesn't need to know. There's some allowance upstairs on my dresser." She said hurried. She always made sure she looked so....very nice..for her crochet group. Very nice. It made you wonder at times but not enough to pry. Not your business what goes on at crochet. Plus if it took her off your backs whatever it was was very much so none of your business. For a bible thumping hills wife, Aunt Shena sure seemed to have her own unholier-than-thou activities. Again-not your business.

"And Daisy-" she turned and gave her a pleading look." Please...just take the jeep this time." Daisy and you exchange looks. Did she know about the Pontiac? Nevertheless, for a woman of god she seemed less than uninterested in consequence or punishment of Daisy's wrongdoings. Which seemed to make Daisy want to get into even more mischief. Daisy nodded in agreement, accepting her stern reprimanding from her all attentive mother.

-

The sun scorched across the water. A slight breeze gave occasional relief. You lay on your stomach and mindlessly draw circles in the sand. Just absorbing the ocean ebbing and flowing in blue and white hues. The seagulls crying out. The distant screams of people joyfully splashing in the water. Your mind couldn't help but revisit the dream once more. But every time you did, you couldn't help but revisit the record store in your mind. That guy. He hadn't left your mind since. Had you left his? Was it as electrifying for him as it was for you? No man had ever taken such residence of your mind before, not like this. You try to recall his features from memory. The gruff stature, and wild, beautiful curls that fell perfectly around his face. His face, that smile. That smile that was so sweet it was almost maddening. The way his pouted lips curved into that smirk. The way his hand felt over yours for that brief moment. His grip was strong and his fingers were fashioned with rings. One of them was a snake ring. The ring was a snake. That's where you saw the snake from, could it be? Such an intense dream from a simple ring on a finger? You couldn't help but believe that he had something to do with it. Somehow that interaction inspired that dream. He inspired that dream. What did it mean?

"So like I was saying Y/N" Daisy's voice intruding your thoughts. She flicked her lighter on the edge of her cigarette, lighting it into a steady stream of smoke. She held it to her lips and took a drag. A well seasoned drag at that. She motioned it to you but you politely shake your head no. "You remember that guy I met last week at tower records right?" Daisy continues. 'No' You think to yourself. "Yeah" you lie. To be honest, the entire car ride home that Daisy had spilled juicy details about her newest boyfriend, you had been busy thinking about your own mystery man who had wooed you at the cash register. "Well like I was saying, he and his friends have this band. I can't remember the name. 'Something Roses'. Anyways, they have a concert tonight and he said we'd get in for free. You down for a little birthday fun?" She gently pushes you with herself in a joking manner. A concert? You can't remember the last concert you'd even seen. It might have been the church family Christmas choir concert? That doesn't really count though. Daisy observes you thinking on it and offers a deal sweetener. "It's a rock band" she pushes again. Daisy knew all too well your developing fascination with rock music, and frankly the fading boundaries of which you once held yourself to. Over the years, the constant protection and coddling and bubble wrapping had worn on you. Something had been stirring violently within you over time. Sometimes it was like you felt as though you were born with a ticking time bomb in your heart. And the older you grew, the less time remained on the clock. All the walls, all the quiet submission, all the rules and the rhythms in which you kept your life stringent to, all felt like it could just take a single spark and you would ignite.

You suddenly feel a sense of overwhelming over-your-head bravery. You snatch the cigarette out of Daisy’s grasp and suck in an entirely too large inhale of smoke. You cough it all out immediately and laugh, as does Daisy-out of shock. A hilariously failed attempt to look badass in your moment of newfound bravery, but the smoke felt good as it burned your throat. You finally manage to choke out:

"Okay, let's go."

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