#the absolute grip this song has had on me for like 8 years is deeply impressive. ive drempt of this song multiple times and now it gets to-

[wurmwizzard]

I'd wear that ... 🎭 🌃🎲

[thomasharpole]

Jubilance - 7/28

A evening with the Dave Matthews Band in Tampa, FL

I am still trying to piece together and process what I experienced last night in the sweaty mess of a pit, watching some of the most talented, world-class musicians weave unforgettable songs and melodies together with us. The last 2 hours of this show amounted to the most powerful and most spiritual experience I’ve ever had seeing live music. Words, especially in English, fall short of my experience and don’t do it justice. It seems futile to write about it, and yet I want to preserve this night in my writing and internalize the lesson from last night as much as I can.

To stand so close at a show is something I had only done 10 years ago, but I wasn’t ready at the time to understand what I was seeing. As a musician, to watch these men last night, who I have now listened to for the better part of 20 years, genuinely felt like spending time with family or the closest friends of your life.

I could see everything. I could see the smiles, the laughter, the concentration, the emotional highs and lows, and the chemistry of these humans on stage together. I could see Carter’s love and thrill for each band member, his genuine undying smile and extraordinary speed and language he speaks on the drum kit. I could see him feel every single cymbal hit before it even landed. I could see Jeff and Rashawn’s friendship as two brass players, and the way they observe each other through their intricate solos. I could see Fonz get giddy during certain musical moments. I could see Tim’s immense concentration and what feels like his access to another dimension in the way he speaks through his guitar. I could see Buddy fresh and fly demeanor, his constant smile while playing keys, and how he is so deeply appreciated by the other legacy members of the band. I could see Dave’s raw outpouring of himself into every song he sang, his soul eternally begging to be released and shown to the world through the language of music. I could also see the warm twinkle in Dave’s eye from 25 feet away, you could tell that he, who feels like a lifelong friend to all of us, felt right at home and his presence communicated something like “I am so thrilled and happy to be here with you, my loving family, after so damn long.”

The venue disappeared for me because we were so close. I felt like I was in a small room with these guys. I was listening to exactly what I would want to hear and watch if I knew I had one evening left until my life was over.

Below are a few moments from certain songs that I wish to hold onto forever.

Setlist and moments:

**I felt the show really started to take off from JTR onward, so I’m going to start song comments at that point.

Tripping Billies Raven Seek Up So Right When The World Ends Seven You Might Die Trying Satellite The Riff

JTR: the pit crew was absolutely thrilled when JTR started playing. “Rain down on me” resonated deeply with a crowd and musicians who were so brutally covered in the sweat and humidity of the evening, it felt as if everyone in this moment resigned to the extreme physical state we were all in, and the musicians were right there with us. The way the horns built the the jam motif in the end of this tune, teasing and getting snagged on the same melody (between 4 and 6 time sig) until their final release in the last 8 bars. The way Carter carries the group through the end, with Dave high stepping along the way… just fantastic.

The Song that Jane Likes: Sweet song, amazing visuals behind the stage, and first time playing this year on tour.

Typical Situation: Something happened at this point in the show that changed the dynamic of the rest of the night. I watched Carter and Dave come alive during this tune. First, to see Carter playing shaker, mallets, and drumsticks on one song and switch effortlessly between them was awesome. But when this song went into the 7/8 chromatic jam during the middle of the outro it was off the charts. Buddy was hammering the keyboard, Carter was slamming the china cymbals, and Dave was DANCING harder than I’ve seen in 4 shows. The pit sang this one loud.

Do You Remember: Endless 90s nostalgia for me. The visuals of the bicycle evoke extremely colorful feelings of my childhood on Ivy St. The endless summer days, the laughter and sports and quiet evenings outside. My dad sitting on a chair watching us. I could write pages on just this feeling, but this song is a portal into my childhood.

Grey Street: Felt the song coming, and as Carter counted the intro out loud the tempo is so recognizable, it almost has its own identity for this song as the drums roll into the opening chord. The third verse comes back to life and the pit loves it. The girl I’m with says something about me being the crazy man creeping and I make a maniac face and she laughs. The thrill of seeing someone I know witness this song in person, up close, is overwhelmingly wholesome. It feels for a moment, as if the night has conspired to make this all happen. I almost hit the floor during the yeah scream on Grey Street after the 3rd chorus. Belted the note too hard and lost oxygen to my head, felt myself about to pass out immediately and grabbed on for dear life. The sax and trumpet duel during the outro between Jeff and Rashawn is staggering and leads us into the final riff of the song which just punches you in its goodness and power.

If Only: Just a humble little song. I need to listen to this one again (live version) to draw out what I remember from the stage.

Dancing Nancies: Dark, absolutely astounding. Tim Reynolds played the most other-worldly guitar solo with visuals on the back of broken dolls, babies, all kinds of crazy things. Dave began the song asking all the right questions about what he could have been to the audience. The hits on the outro in series of 8 were felt in my chest. Best version of it I’ve seen.

Warehouse: My all-time favorite song from this band. This intro is the most visceral and raw sequence in the show. When the sax, trumpet, guitar, and keys come together all in tremolo in 32nd notes, the frequencies and overtones created along with Carter’s enormous rapid cymbal sound is so intense you can see the physical effect it has on Dave. The closest way I could describe this intro as if the soul is being extricated by force out of the body and almost vacuumed or sucked upwards into a new reality it has to reckon with. “Only hope you’re here to pull me out, when I start going under, as the warehouse slips away” gives me chills. (To get a slight idea of what this is like, watch this clip at 38–40 mins. It’s from a different show, but note especially Dave’s viscerally clear connection with something beyond our understanding around the 39m mark.)

The strobes and lights here only add to the intensity of this intro. The huge yell before the 2nd verse. The drive into the outro. The salsa hits at the end. Rashawn just driving the trumpet to where it sounds like a different instrument. And the final lyrics in the moment of great reckoning:

That’s our blood down there⁣

Seems poured from the hands of angels⁣

Then trickle into the ground⁣

Leaves the Warehouse bare and empty⁣

Then my heart’s numbered beat⁣

Will echo in this empty room⁣

And fear wells in me⁣

Til’ nothing seems big enough to stay long

So I am going away, I am going away

The final Eadd9 chord lands as the warm summation and resolution to the song. I see the faces of all of my friends from the last 10 years that have been moved by this piece of music as well, and every place I have been in my life when listening to this song. It’s a sweet ending.

Everyday: One of Buddy’s licks on the intro to this song was a 32nd note run that blew the entire band away. He played 16 notes in under 2 seconds down the scale. Carter, who is probably the most attentive to rhythm, had his jaw on the floor. Everyone was loving it. The improv vocals. The 3 part harmonies. The crowd singing Hani Hani come and dance with me. The final build. Richness.

PNP > Rapunzel: Endlessly playful song that is perfect way to end a show. Funniest part of the show is when Dave’s string broke about 15 seconds before the outro-dance-explosion that becomes the end of this song. It was very critical that the new guitar get on before the downbeat of the outro because of how much the song picks up and to keep that energy. As Dave is bending his neck to put the new guitar on, after 3 hours of playing and probably in some pain, he changed the last lyrics of Rapunzel to: “Every single thing you do to me, my god I’m FUCKED, but I’ll do, my best, for you, I’ll do yeaaaaaa. LOL! I’m sure he’s used this change before but it was timed so perfectly with him tangled in a new guitar strap, with his head banging against the various items, knowing he had about 3 seconds to pull of this change and it was not going well.

Encore:

Singing From The Windows: I could not hold it together for this song. After a year and a half of what has felt like chaos in the lives of many people and in humanity, the acceptance and hope that pours from this song, and out of Dave, is enough to floor anyone that has an ounce of care for the rest of our species. I looked around and everyone around me in the pit was crying. Dave got choked up on this song the other night and looked like he was barely holding it together. There was a quiet and serenity for a moment without the band, and all of the focus went to the songwriter and the gripping power one man and a guitar can have on an audience of 20,000 people.

Why I Am: Man, it really felt like Leroi still carries a presence in this band and you can tell why the band sings it often.

Stay: By this point, everyone was so insanely hot in the pit that they were belting Stay knowing that it was the last chance we would get to sing together. The way Carter syncopates the china cymbals on the outro of this song has always captured me. To watch Dave dance to this one more time while the horns went off and spread his arms wide on the final 3 seconds of the song was an exclamation point on a wild ass evening.

— —

Anyway, I wish that every human being could experience what I did last night. The world would be an infinitely better place. It’s not often that we have moments in our life that alter the course of the path we’re on, but I think it’s important to recognize them when they happen.

Whatever God is or means, or exists insofar as we allow him/her/it into this world, God was absolutely radiating last night. In the faces of the people, and in the entity that lives and breathes and is created when these musicians get together on stage. There is something above and beyond human form that I am humbled to have been a witness to.

It sounds a bit wild, but we are so unbelievably bigger than our bodies trick us into thinking we are. We are so much bigger than the Warehouse that contains us. And yet, we must live and do God’s work through this physical vessel because it is the only form that we take while we’re here. We must learn from this self and feed it, nourish it, teach it to become more than what it thinks it is.

One other thought: to share this musical experience alone is wonderful. But to have shared this band with someone I love so deeply is all a person could ever ask for. It is the epitome of the human experience, that is, to watch another person receive their own gift, their own joy, their own meaning from something you believe in, and to know they will carry it with them forever. They are changed by your truth. I got to see her become fully and endlessly alive because of this music last night. And that was infinitely enough.

We left the venue on fire with gratitute. It sounds wild, but I remember thinking I could die quite peacefully at that moment! I couldn’t conjure any other thing I needed to go do on this planet. I couldn’t conjure a negative thought. It was impossible. The word “ecstasy” doesn’t do this feeling justice, because the emotions are so much further in range than just intense happiness. Perhaps “awareness” or “power” or “spiritual fullness” resound a bit more to me, but for everyone it is different.

I think what’s most special about this band is that their music permeates into the core of who you are as a human being. It’s spiritual. It’s bursting with truth. It transforms how you see the world. It becomes your attitude and your way of life. This is why these guys sold more live tickets than any other group on earth for 10 years straight. The range of emotion embedded in the music is also the perfect analogy of what we as people honestly grapple with during our journey here. The lessons are clear. The music has given millions of people permission to live better lives: with jubilance, resilience, and an understanding that joy exists even amidst the deepest of pain. Each day we have an opportunity to show someone else this honest attitude, this truth, through whatever medium we choose. It is one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person. There is no question I will carry the richness of this experience with me, from now until the end of my life. I am forever thankful for nights like this, nights that are simply transcendent.

Thomas Harpole

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[downwiththeficness]

A Need So Great-Chapter 9

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count: ~3,300

Warnings: None

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash @maybege @kid-from-new-zealand @clydesducktape

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8.5, 10, 10.5, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

Eva sat in the conference room, trying hard not to fidget.  Javier and Steve were to her left, and there was a projector sitting behind the table.  None of them knew why they were sitting there. None of them knew when the meeting would start. All that they were told was that they were supposed to be sitting in that room by nine am that day. No exceptions.

The air kicked on, filling the room with a dull drone. Eva grabbed her pen and held it in her palm, using her thumb to slide the cap up and down along the length of it. She wanted to get up and take a lap around the room to excise some of the nervous energy she felt.

Javier lit a cigarette, sinking down lower into his chair, looking annoyed, “How long’ve we been sitting here?”

Steve looked at his watch, “About twenty minutes.”

“Fuck me,” Javier groaned, rubbing his eye, “I got about a thousand pages of paperwork that need to get done and we’re sitting here with our thumbs up our asses.”

She had to agree. She’d gotten a little behind with reading through case files. Although she was used to redacted information, she wasn’t used to whole sections of them being completely missing.  As she moved through the most recent information, that was occurring more and more often. She thought she’d gotten the mole over two months ago, but now… there had to be more than one.

The door opened and Vanessa walked in. Eva inhaled deeply, her grip on the pen tightening until she heard the plastic crack. Jaw clenched, she sat up and prepared herself for the inevitable. Unable to help it, she glanced at the two agents she’d worked with so closely, already mourning the friendship they’d started to develop. She wondered if Connie would be calling to cancel their work out tonight.

Blinking, she turned her attention to the woman who signed her paychecks.

“Hello, thank you for waiting. I’m Vanessa Arnold.”

A tall, stately woman, dressed in a crisp suit, Vanessa looked at them with a critical gaze. She addressed each of them in turn, welcoming them to the meeting.  Eva’s eyes narrowed as Vanessa sorted the stack of files in front of her. She knew those files—well worn over the years, and slowly growing.

“I am here,” she announced, her expression business placid, “Because I’ve heard some disturbing information and I would like to give you the opportunity to address it.”

Next to her, Javier stubbed out his cigarette, “What kind of information?”

Vanessa smiled, it was not a nice smile, “It has been reported to the States that you are engaging in some inappropriate behavior.”

Javier and Steve looked at each other, a whole conversation passing between them that Eva wasn’t sure she could decipher.  Steve, who was sitting next to her, put his elbows on the table, resting his head on his hands.  Javier stayed where he was, but she could feel the heat of the glare he leveled at Vanessa.

“Now, we deal with some very serious things, and sometimes that wears us down.”  Standing, Vanessa circled the conference table, hand skimming over the chairs. “Sometimes, that leads us to forget our boundaries and the expectations of the DEA for its agents.”

Eva’s gaze followed Vanessa as she sauntered towards them, pace excruciatingly slow.  She knew where this was going, had attended this meeting at least once in every location she’d been sent to, usually at about the six month mark. And yet, it still hurt. Vanessa knew how to make it hurt.

Javier cleared his throat, “With all due respect, Ms. Arnold, can you get to the point?”

There was that ugly smile again, “Absolutely. I’ve received reports that you and Agent Murphy are participating in social events with Mrs. Moore. Going out to bars, eating lunch together—Agent Murphy, your wife has been attending classes at the gym with Mrs. Moore, has she not?”

Steve’s mouth thinned, “She has. There aren’t many Americans in this country, least of all anyone who might be able to commiserate about life in close quarters with the DEA.”

Vanessa cast him a condescending look, “Still, it doesn’t exactly put you in a positive light, does it?”

Eva could feel the wheels of Steve’s mind turning as he processed what she’d said.  He flicked his fingers out in a sharp motion before curling them into his palms, “I don’t understand. Eva is a contract consultant, paid by the DEA to work with us. How is associating with her outside of work a negative?”

Here we go.

Vanessa stepped back and flicked off the lights, then moved to the projector and turned it on, “Mrs. Moore is generally reticent to talk about it, but I feel its important for you to know who you are working with.”

The projector clicked and Eva’s mug shot flashed onto the wall opposite the group. She closed her eyes, working to control her breathing.  She’d been released into police custody right out of the hospital. Her arm was still in a cast, her face heavily swollen and bruised. The picture was not flattering.

“Mrs. Moore was charged and convicted of the murder of her husband a few years prior to coming to work for us.”

Another click. Her husband’s picture, his professional photo, came up. Josh was impeccably groomed, smile wide and white, eyes clear and sparkling. She bit the inside of her cheek, stunned that she could still feel such hatred towards a person no longer living.

“This is Joshua Moore. A prominent doctor and businessman out of Louisiana. His practice was located just outside of New Orleans.  He was most well known for donating large amounts to charities across the state.”

For the tax write off. And, to get the votes of the city councils.

Click. Their wedding picture. Eva felt bile rise in her throat. Fourteen years old, looking like a baby next to a twenty five year old who’d just started working for the local hospital. Her mother had picked out her dress—a frilly, lace encrusted thing that was a touch too long.  She remembered how much her feet hurt from walking in the heels she needed to wear to keep the thing from dragging too much down the aisle.  Standing at the altar had been excruciating enough that she’d stumbled over her vows.

“By all accounts, Mrs. Moore and her husband had a passionate relationship.”

Passionate is one way to put it.

In the beginning, she’d fought him when she thought he was being unfair. He’d scream, punch doors, throw things, eventually things devolved into physical beatings.  It only took about a year for her to stop fighting and just do what he wanted. It was easier that way. Soon enough, he figured out how good she was at hiding things—money, product, herself—and he let her in on the family business.

Click. Their blood covered carpet with his outline marked in tape.

“One night, things got out of hand. Mr. Moore unfortunately lost his life at the hands of his wife.”

God, could she be a little less dramatic? Her voice had lowered down to a soft, sweet sound that grated on every nerve Eva had.  She felt her mouth lift in a sneer before she could check the motion. Sniffing, she relaxed the muscles of her face, looking forward at the picture dispassionately.

Click. The trail of blood leading from the living room out the back door.

“When police arrived on the scene, Mr. Moore was found in the back yard, on fire.  Autopsy reports state that he was set aflame post mortem. His cause of death was confirmed as blunt force trauma to the skull.”

Click. Her husband’s dead body, skin black and burned down to bone, laying atop a cart. Click. A close up of his face, half the skull missing. In bottom right corner, there was a little ‘R’ marked in what looked to be black permanent marker. This was the only new aspect of the photos.  Every location. Every six months. Every photo. She’d seen them over and over and had them memorized. It didn’t seem possible that this little song and dance could still make her angry, but it did.  She was tired of paying for a justifiable action she’d taken to save her own life.

Vanessa left the last photo up, moving to stand before them, one hand slipping into the pocket of her slacks.  Eva kept her gaze steady, ready to take what would come next, the words that she’d heard for many years.

“Gentleman, you’re sitting next to a cold blooded murder, a person who took a life that was privileged and beat it to death with a fire extinguisher. Think about what kind of person could do that to someone they loved. This about who she would have to be to drag a dead body out of her house and set it on fire. Think about how associating with that kind of person reflects on you and your careers.”

The silence that followed was familiar and tense. Both men looking at Vanessa—Javier gently tapping his forefinger on the table, Steve with his head on his hands.

Vanessa’s eyes narrowed, but she kept smiling, “I’m going to let you keep thinking on that. Thank you for coming in. Have a nice day.”

And then she as striding out, her heels clicking on the tile. Eva watched her go, the door closing gently behind her. Eva just caught the face of that department head she’d nearly forgotten about as he approached Vanessa in the hall. She let the sneer form on her mouth, knowing that the rumor mill would start almost immediately.

The air in the room felt oppressive, the darkness only adding more pressure.  Eva pushed a breath through her nose, scratching at the skin above her eyebrow as she tried to think of something to say.

Javier spoke for her, “What a load of bullshit.”

She couldn’t help it. She laughed. It was, indeed, a load of bullshit. She’d never had someone put it so succinctly so quickly following the presentation.

Steve leaned back in his seat, smashing the power button on the projector. It turned off with the groaning hiss of an air fan, leaving the room completely dark. Eva took the opportunity to swallow back the old feelings that had been drudged up in the last ten minutes.  Ten minutes. That’s all it took for her to feel like shit again. She fucking hated Vanessa.

Javier stood up and flicked on the lights, returning to his seat and sitting heavily. He pulled his cigarettes from his pocket and lit one, offering the pack to Steve, who took it. Eva folded her hands over her chest and waited for someone to speak.

Steve tapped off ash into a faceted glass tray, “So that’s why you told us about it early on.”

“That’s why I told you about it early on,” Eva confirmed with a nod.

Javier blew out a lungful of smoke, “She do this often?”

“Yeah.”

“How often?”

“Every time, with every team.”

He nodded, leaning his forearms on the table, “You notice she left your files.”

“Yep,” Eva bit out.

It was a perfect strategy. If she hadn’t been up front about her husband, it would be impossible for anyone to ignore the fact that the whole story, in black and white, was sitting right there.

Steve reached out and placed his hand next to her on the tabletop, “You want us to read through it.”

She shrugged, “You can, if you want. Its a nicely worded story. Not too flattering to me, of course.”

They looked at each other for a few seconds, another private conversation passing between them. She kept her expression neutral, not wanting to sway them one way or another.

Steve threw the butt of his cigarette into the tray, “Connie and I are having a pool party next weekend.  You want to come? Carrillo, too.”

Eva felt her jaw drop, didn’t bother to conceal her shock, “You want me to come to a party.”

“Yeah,” he said, his mouth curling into a smile, “Maybe you can convince Javi, here, to put on a swim suit.”

“I wear swim trunks,” Javier cut in with mock anger.

Steve rolled his eyes, “Only because Connie won’t let you come if you’re not wearing appropriate attire.” Then, to Eva, “You got a suit?”

She nodded, “I do.”

“Good, bring a bottle of booze, and you’re set.”

Eva sat there, staring at him, her mouth open. It was one thing for her to tell them what she’d done. It was another thing to come face to face with pictures of her husband’s mutilated body and react with, what? Nonchalance?

Steve leaned towards her, “Connie wouldn’t be alive if you hadn’t gotten her out of that restaurant.  I don’t give a shit what you did to that guy.  What you did, here? That’s what counts.”

She looked between them. Javier wasn’t talking, but he nodded as Steve spoke, offering silent support. Eva felt her chest constrict with a soft affection for them both. The relief was a physical thing, exhaling with her next breath.

“Thank you.”

Steve shrugged, “Don’t mention it. Vodka—bring a bottle. Wear your suit.”

As it turned out, Connie did not cancel their work out that night. She met Eva outside the gym at their regular time, looking at her like a friend. Eva had to cough into her hand to hide the surprised little shriek that wanted to burst out of her when the woman came into view.

They spent the hour sweating and huffing through a one challenging set after another, the sound of the instructor’s voice coaching them through the movements. Afterwards, Eva slumped on the bench, tossing back water and toweling off her face.

“That was fun,” Connie commented from her spot next to her.

Eva sent her a sidelong glance, “Fun is not the word I would use.”

Fun was sitting at a bar, drinking and hollering at the band. Fun was watching a ball game or shopping for new clothes. What they had just done was hard work—muscle burning, lung searing, skin sizzling hard work. Still, Eva enjoyed it, needed the release of endorphins.

“You know, one of the things I look forward to when I get back to the states is flaunting my newly hot body when I see those skinny bitches at my high school reunion.”

Eva laughed, “You’ll be the talk of the party—look at those biceps.”

Connie flexed, smiling wide, “Gotta get me one of those strapless, backless dresses, just to show off.”

“Oh, Steve’ll love that.”

“He would,” Connie said with a coy little tilt of her shoulders. “He tell you about the party?”

Eva nodded, “Yeah, I’ve been tasked with bringing a bottle of vodka.”

“And wearing a suit,” Connie asserted, pointing at Eva.

“I have one, don’t worry.”

“I want everyone dressed for the occasion, no office wear allowed.”

“Ah, damn, I’ll have to leave my pencil skirt at home.”

Connie rolled her eyes, “I’m so glad I get to wear scrubs. My feet still hurt at the end of the day, but at least its not from wearing heels.”

Eva took another long swig, “Yeah, but you do have to be one your feet all day. At least I get to sit down.”

“Pros and cons.”

Eva nodded, “Agreed. Pros and cons.”

“So, are you ever going to tell me what’s going on with you and Carrillo? Steve says you’ve been seeing him.”

Eva set down the water bottle. She’d been wondering, herself, when Connie was going to bring it up. Despite their weekly gym excursions, she hadn’t pushed. Eva was grateful—she didn’t really know how she’d characterize her relationship with the man. They weren’t...like, boyfriend and girlfriend. At least, not how she’d known the concept back before she’d been married. Companions, maybe. Friends, definitely. Friends who slept together. Friends with benefits? That felt too trivializing.

“We’ve gone out a few times,” Eva edged, standing and motioning for Connie to follow.

They walked towards the bathrooms, the humidity spiking from the showers as they passed through the doors.

“And?”

Eva opened her locker and pulled out her gym back, rustling around for her change of clothes, “And...I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

Sighing, Eva stood up and looked at Connie, “I don’t. Not really. I’m only on assignment here for another six months or so. I like him. I like spending time with him. I don’t know where I am from there.”

Connie fixed her with a level look, “You don’t want to get into anything serious because you think you’re leaving in six months.”

Eva thought about it,“Yes.”

“But, you like him enough that you’re willing to go out with him even though it might end sooner rather than later.”

Eva thought again, “Yes.”

She gave a little bob of her head, “That’s fair. Steve says he’s pretty intense.”

Eva didn’t have to think about that one, “Yes.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

Eva’s face scrunched, “You want me to say more?”

“Yes, for God’s sake!” Connie burst out, her hands flying in the air, “I want details.”

Eva laughed, “Let me get cleaned up and then we can talk details.”

Connie’s eyes narrowed, “Don’t think I’m going to forget. We’re going to the bar and you’re going to tell me everything.”

They did, indeed, go to the bar, although Eva didn’t really tell Connie everything.  She talked about their dates, how he’d been polite and conscientious, how she felt when they kissed, and that she hadn’t yet spent the night at his place but she wanted to.

“You know, when I met him, I thought he was terrifying,” Connie commented as she sipped a gin and tonic.

Eva lifted a brow, “Why?”

Thinking for a moment, Connie settled on, “He was just so serious. Like, really, really serious.”

Eva could get that. The man could write a book on taking things seriously. Serious was in his blood. But, she’d seen him soft and sweet, too. She’d seen his dimples as he smiled. Seen his laugh. There was more to him than he showed to the world, more than a hard, scary man. It made her warm inside to think that she got to see that side of him.

“Shame that you don’t think it’ll last,” Connie said, a leading tone in her voice.

Eva brought her beer to her lips, “I have to go home sometime.”

“Where is home, exactly?”

The question caught Eva off guard. She realized that she didn’t exactly know. For a long time, Louisiana was home, and then Texas, and then a host of assignments. Now, it was Colombia. She’d been traveling for so long that she couldn’t root herself down anywhere. She didn’t even know if she wanted to. Her contract end date had been so far away for so long that Eva had never taken the time to work out what she would do afterward. Her record would be cleared, she would no longer be a felon. She would have years of work experience and a tidy little savings.

The possibilities were so numerous that Eva found herself unable to really settle on any one thing that she wanted—except, that wasn’t exactly true. Her heart, down deep, wanted what she might actually be able to have. A too serious, dimple-cheeked man who smelled like tobacco and vetiver.

Connie was looking at her, waiting for her answer. Eva just shrugged and ordered another round of drinks.

[gojira007]

Movie Meme

Took me a bit of time, but I was tagged by @bunnikkila to list my nine favorite movies, and since I can’t help but be ridiculously verbose about that very topic, you can see them all under the cut 8D

As for who I tag?  Well, as always with the caveat that you are free to ignore if you don’t wanna, I’ll go with: @elistodragonwings @kaikaku @donnys-boy @robotnik-mun @sally-mun @fini-mun @werewolf-t33th  @cviperfan and @wildwoodmage​

and don’t worry, if you DO go for it, you don’t have to get as Extra as I did about it XD

9.) 

Look, the meme is about Favorite Movies, not necessarily the BEST Movies, OK?  And for the most part this list consists of films where that division is less meaningful in terms of how I evaluate the other movies on here.  But in this specific case, “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie”, which is ultimately not all that different from the “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ TV show it spun off from and thus not particularly impressive as a work of Cinema Qua Cinema, makes the cut primarily because it’s a movie I know so well and have enjoyed so often that I can practically recite the whole thing to you by rote; I quote it all the time in my day-to-day life, I think about it often when I need a little smile, and it’s also become my favorite tool for introducing newcomers to MST3K as a whole since it was designed with a slightly broader audience in mind than the more willfully-eclectic series.  And given how much I love MST3K As A Whole, that’s an especially strong factor in its favor.

8.) 

Looky looky, @bunnikkila, we (unsurprisingly) have a pick in common!  I’m sure this is the one and only time THAT’S going to happen on this list. 8D

Y’know, nearly thirty years (and one fairly useless remake >_>) later, I think the thing that impresses me about “The Lion King” is just how much it is still able to grab me emotionally.  Some of that is unquestionably tied up with how strongly I associate this movie with my family, all of whom it became very special to as a Shared Experience.  But I also don’t know of a lot of people who haven’t had that same emotional experience with it, and that to me suggests there’s more going on here than just Nostalgia.  The mixture of Shakesperean plotting with Disney’s signature strength of Character, for one thing, granting the movie’s story an Epic Scope that never forgets the emotional inner lives of its cast.  The music for another, not only its instantly-iconic song-book but also its memorable score, armed with both Big Bombast and Gentle Sentiment.  And the unforgettably gorgeous animation, rendering every last element of its world with believable naturalism and strongly-defined personality.  All of it, together, makes for what I still personally consider the Crowning Achievement of the Disney Renaissance.

7.)

I think, if I had to name the thing I find most lacking in far too many modern Action Movies, it’s Clarity.  They all tend to lard their plots up with a bunch of unnecessary contrivances and complications in hopes of making themselves appear more clever than they actually are, and all it usually does is just dilute the impact of the whole thing.  “Mad Max: Fury Road”, by contrast, is all about Clarity.  I could sum up literally its entire plot in a paragraph if I wanted, because it is basically One Big Chase Scene from start to finish, never really deviating from that structure for more than a few minutes at a time.  And that, combined with its exceptionally well-crafted Action Sequences, means that the full weight of its visceral power hits you full force every time.  But don’t be fooled; that simplicity is not to be mistaken for shallowness.  Indeed, precisely by getting out of its own way, knowing exactly what it wants to do and why, “Fury Road” also delivers a story that is, in spite of what you might guess, genuinely subtle and smart.  Every character is immediately unforgettable and compelling because their role in the story is so well-considered and their personalities all so stark.  The world it crafts feels at once fascinatingly surreal and yet All Too Real at the same time because even its most Fantastic elements are ultimately just grotesque reflections of things the audience knows only too well.  And most of all, it tells a story with real, meaningful Themes that are deeply woven into each of its individual elements, such that the whole thing is deeply satisfying emotionally, but also piercingly Relevant in all the best, most affecting ways.

6.) 

Oh look, another pick I have in common with @bunnikkila!  This must be the last one, right?

But yeah, this is just a legitimately great movie, at every level, in every way.  Stylistically, it is one of the most radically inventive things to have ever been made in the world of Western Animated Movies, gleefully mixing together a vast array of Aesthetics and Techniques that are at once viscerally distinct and yet coherently connected, all rendered with a fantastic eye toward the world of Comic Book Visual Language that keeps finding new and extremely fun ways to play with that instantly-recognizable iconography.  For that alone, I would call it one of the greatest triumphs of 21st century animation.  But then, on top of that, the story it tells is one that is simultaneously Arch and self-aware, delivering some of the most fantastically hilarious punch-lines imaginable more than a few of which are at the expense of the very franchise it is working within...but also entirely earnest, sincere, and emotionally affecting.  It is, at once, a movie that manages to be about The Idea Of Spider-Man in its totality while also being about just one kid coming to grips with who he is, what he can do, and what his life can be.  I don’t know that I can remember the last time a movie so immediately and unmistakably marked itself as an Enduring Masterpiece, but “Into the Spider-Verse” absolutely pulled it off.

5.)

Ordinarily, I would cheat and give this slot to the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy in its totality.  But somehow, the fact that this is about “FAVORITE” movies instead of just what we think the BEST one is compels me to narrow it down to just one.  And if I had to pick just one, it would be the first of the three, “Fellowship of the Ring”.  It’s not necessarily anything that the other two movies get wrong, either.  All three of the LotR movies possess many of its keenest strengths, after all.  For a starter, there’s the keen understanding of how best to adapt the source material without being enslaved to it; capturing many of its most iconic moments while cleverly tweaking elements to make them more cinematic, knowing what scenes to focus on for the sake of more clearly focusing the emotional through-lines of the story, and knowing what scenes, no matter how good on the page, ultimately don’t fit to the shape the adaptation has taken.  There’s also its pitch-perfect casting, each and every actor doing a fantastic job of embodying the characters so well that even as your personal vision of them from the books may differ radically from what is on-screen, they nonetheless end up feeling Right for the part and a strong, compelling presence.  And there’s the deft visual hand of director Peter Jackson, who knows exactly how to craft a Middle Earth that feels at once lived-in and real but also Fantastic and magical.  “Fellowship”, for me at least, thus wins out mostly because it has the good luck of being adapted from the strongest of the three books, the point at which the narrative is at its most unified and thus has the strongest overall momentum.  But also because so few movies have so swept me away with the sense of stepping into a world I have always dreamed of in my mind’s eye, and that’s the sort of thing that can only happen at the beginning of a journey.

4.) 

Now here’s a movie that is literally sown in to my very being.  It’s the last movie my mother saw in theaters before becoming a Mom.  I grew up watching the “Real Ghostbusters” cartoon all the time and playing with the attendant toys; I had a “Ghostbusters” Birthday Party when I was, like, four years old.  It has been my annual Halloween Tradition to get myself a big Cheese Pizza and watch this movie for about as long as I’ve had disposable income to myself.  There is, quite literally, no point in my life where I don’t remember “Ghostbusters” being a fixture in it.  And as a nice bonus?  It is, legitimately, a Genuinely Great Movie.  I realize that isn’t quite as universally agreed upon these days as it was even a few years ago (thanks, Literally The Worst Kind Of Virulently Misogynist Assholes lD; ), but I still feel pretty confident in saying this one really is That Good.  I still find basically every one of its jokes hilarious; even now I could quote just about any one of them and get a laugh.  I still find its central premise, What If Exorcism Was A Blue-Collar Business, a brilliant, almost subversively clever one that takes The Supernatural out of the realm of The Unknowable and into a world where even you, an ordinary person off the street, can in fact fight back against it.  I still think it’s one of the all-time great examples of how to balance Tone in this sort of High Concept Genre Bender, by allowing The Story to be played relatively straight while allowing the comedy to flow naturally from the characters’ reactions to that story, allowing its Ghostly aspects to land as Genuinely Scary (or at least Worth Taking Seriously) without getting too Stern and Serious about it.  And I still listen to that unforgettable Title Song all the time!  So yeah, even if I could be more objective about it, “Ghostbusters” would almost certainly make this cut.      

3.) 

And so we come to the third and last pick I have in common with @bunnikkila, not coincidentally a movie that played a key role in solidifying our friendship, as bonding over our shared love of it was a big part of how we got to know each other on deviantART waaaay back in the day <3

By 2008, I really didn’t think it was possible for a movie or comic or TV show to really become “part” of me anymore, the way things like Sonic the Hedgehog or Marvel Super Heroes or Some Other Movie Character Who Might Be At The Top Of This List had.  And then “WALL-E” came along and proved that to be completely, utterly wrong.  I didn’t just love this movie, I was inspired by it, to a degree of strength and consistency that I’m still not entirely sure has yet been matched.  And to be sure, some of that is undoubtedly because the movie had already basically won the war before I’d even bought my ticket; Adorable Robots In Love is something like My Platonic Storytelling Ideal, after all.  But even setting that aside, “WALL-E” is a movie where even now I can’t help but be keenly aware, and gently awed, at the beauty of its craft; indeed, watching this movie in a theater did a lot to make me better understand why movies work on us the way they do, because I left that theater chewing so much on every last one of its elements.  Its gorgeous animation, the way it conveys Character through Actions more so than language, the dream-like quality of its musical score (even as i type this i get teary thinking about certain motifs), the clear and meaningful way it builds its theme and story together so harmoniously, and the particular perspective it takes on our relationships with each other, with our environments, and with our own technology...all of it speaks to me deeply and profoundly, and it’s no coincidence that I have seen this movie more times in theaters than any other on this list (twelve times, for the record, and I still remember each and every time XD).

2.) 

This one needs no personal qualifications, to my mind.  Yes, I have some degree of nostalgic attachment to it for having seen it relatively young with my brothers and being deeply moved by it then, but it’s not at all like the kind of Nostalgia I have for “The Lion King”.  “Princess Mononoke” is just flat-out, full-stop a complete Masterpiece, not just my personal pick for one of the single-best animated films ever made, but one of the best films period.  It’s almost difficult for me to put into words how great this movie is, certainly in a way that hasn’t been repeated to death by thousands of other smarter people, because no one of its elements quite answers the question of why it is so great, to my mind.  Yes, the animation is absolutely gorgeous with a design sensibility that brings Ancient Mythology to life so vividly that its influence can still be felt today (The Forest Spirit alone has been homaged all over the place).  And yes, the music is hauntingly beautiful, at once capturing the gentle rhythm of nature but also the elegiac tone of Life Moving On.  And yes, the story is an incredible mixture of the Broad Mythic Strokes of an Ancient Legend grounded in all too human Emotions and Ideas about the balance of nature, the full meaning and cost of Warfare, and perhaps most important of all, about how we determine Right and Wrong when everyone involved in a conflict is fighting simply for the right to survive.  But all of those things add up together to something even greater than a simple sum, because each one isn’t just good in its own right but because each element so perfectly reinforces the other.  And even having said all that?  I really could just carry on singing this movie’s praises.  Just...an absolute masterpiece, top to bottom.

1.) 

I don’t imagine any of you are terribly surprised at this, right?  I almost feel like it’d be redundant to explain my love for this movie, given how self-obvious I imagine it is to basically everyone who knows me Literally At All.  But heck, I’ve rambled on this long, why not go all the way?  Because the thing of it is, “Gojira” (to be clear, the original Japanese movie from 1954 rather than its American edit, “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” from 1956) doesn’t just top the list by being a Great Movie.  Though to be clear, it really is.  Flawless?  No; there’s a reliance on puppetry that even for the time can be a bit chintzier than the movie can really afford, in particular.  But brilliant, even so, a heart-wrenching example of Science Fiction Storytelling As Allegory, one that, in a rarity not just for its own genre but indeed for many movies in general, very meaningfully lingers on its deepest, darkest implications.  Many a film critic has pointed it out, and it remains true: the stark black-and-white photography heightens the sense of Implacable Horror at the core of the story, and the way the central Melodrama, a tragic love triangle that carries with it many aspects of Class Conflict and Personal Desire VS. The Collective Good, ties back into the main story is truly beautiful in its elegance and emotional impact.  Still, for me personally, it tops the list, now and always, because it is a movie that affirmed something for me, that the character I had fallen in love with as a child convincing his family to watch a monster movie with him on television to prove his seven-year-old bravery, really was as genuinely as powerful and meaningful a figure as I had always imagined him to be. 

[erikahenningsen]

My 15 favorite theater experiences of 2019

In no particular order:

1. Choir Boy (Samuel Friedman Theatre, New York, NY): I say in no particular order, but if you know anything about me, you know that Choir Boy is my number-one show of the year. I saw it four times on Broadway and twice in Boston. Tarell Alvin McCraney’s writing is so beautiful, human, and fearless. He puts works of art on stages, television, and film that nobody else does. Jeremy Pope’s performance as Pharus is easily in the top three greatest performances I’ve seen on a Broadway stage. If your local regional theater is doing this show, I cannot encourage you enough to go and see it.

2. What the Constitution Means to Me (Helen Hayes Theater, New York, NY): This show was unlike any other play I’ve seen before. Heidi Schreck, who wrote and starred in WTCMTM, wrote a deeply human, poignant, and timely play about a document written by a bunch of rich, white men a few centuries ago and made it gripping, engaging, and relevant. It’s a show I believe every American should see. As an added bonus, Heidi is genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve met.

3. The Wrong Man (MCC Theater, New York, NY): I saw The Wrong Man for the first time three weeks before it closed, and I immediately fell in love with it and went back several more times in those three weeks. The Wrong Man is only ninety minutes long and has only three main characters, but it presents an engaging story about forgiveness, mercy, justice, guilt, and innocence. Ross Golan, the composer/lyricist, began performing The Wrong Man as a concept album thirteen years ago and turned it into a full musical. The score is beautiful and has some really great bops, and the choreography is probably the best I’ve ever seen.

4. Waitress with Sara Bareilles and Gavin Creel (Brooks Atkinson Theatre, New York, NY): I’m personally not the biggest fan of Waitress, but this was one of the most fun nights I had in a theater this year. Sara and Gavin had amazing chemistry, and I have never laughed so much at Waitress before. 

5. A Strange Loop (Playwrights Horizons, New York, NY): A Strange Loop is unlike any show I’ve ever seen before. It’s unlike anything anyone has seen before. How many shows center around a fat, black, queer character? I can’t think of any. Michael R. Jackson, the book writer/composer/lyricist, has an incredible ability to write satire that has you laughing at the same time you’re being punched in the face emotionally. A Strange Loop grapples with the intersections of racism, homophobia, and fatphobia. It’s meta at the same time it’s grounded, and gets more and more intense as the show progresses. I walked out of the theater in a daze after I saw it. My fingers are crossed it comes to Broadway.

5. Mean Girls, Taylor Louderman’s last show (August Wilson Theatre, New York, NY): Going to Mean Girls is a routine thing for me, and I’ve seen the show dozens of times, but every once in awhile something special happens that reignites my love for this show. Taylor’s last show was obviously incredibly sad for me, the cast, and everyone who loves this show, but I also laughed more and harder on this evening than I have in a very long time at Mean Girls. Everyone, especially Taylor, was giving this performance their all, and I’ll never forget it.

6. The Secret Life of Bees (Atlantic Theater Company, New York, NY): I had suspicions I was really going to love this show before I saw it, but I absolutely fell in love with it. The music is gorgeous (thank you, Duncan Sheik), the performances are stellar, and the story, though set decades ago, is as timely and relevant as ever. I do cry at shows pretty often, but rarely do I tear up because of how overwhelmingly beautiful a show is—but I did that at Secret Life of Bees. I’m still impatiently waiting on that Broadway transfer announcement.

7. Beetlejuice (Winter Garden Theatre, New York, NY): Despite all its flaws, I love this crazy, loud, obnoxious, wild show so much. I had seen it in DC and counted down the days until first preview on Broadway. I rushed first preview and ended up with front-row tickets, and I had one of the most fun nights in a theater I’ve ever had. The performances really make the show, and I’ve been very vocal about how I strongly believe Leslie Kritzer was snubbed by the Tonys. Beetlejuice also has my favorite scenic design for any show. I also have a uniquely personal connection to this showL Beetlejuice used to have a joke in the show I felt was offensive, so I reached out to Eddie Perfect and Alex Timbers and explained to them why I was hurt by it, and they actually listened to my feedback and removed the joke. I’m hoping Beetlejuice can find another home after June, because I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

8. Next to Normal (Ground Floor Theatre/Deaf Austin Theatre, Austin, TX): For years I had been wanting an ASL production of Next to Normal with Sandra Mae Frank as Natalie, so when it actually happened I knew I had to fly to Texas to see it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried more at a show. Sandy made me look at Natalie in a whole new way, and the ASL interpretations of the lyrics added so many new layers to the show. Megg Rose, the Deaf actor who played Diana, gave one of the best performances I’ve seen, and I want her to be on Broadway immediately. This production really was a dream come true for me. 

9. Six (Chicago Shakespeare Theater, Chicago, IL): We drove to Chicago from NYC to see Six, and it was definitely worth it. I was in the front row for the first time I saw it, which was a terrifying but incredibly fun experience. This cast is so incredibly talented, and the show is so much fun, and being there with almost all of my closest friends was such a memorable experience. I’m so excited to see it again when it comes to Broadway.

10. Little Shop of Horrors (Westside Theatre, New York, NY): This was my first experience seeing LSOH, and I had an absolute blast. The performances were incredible, with Christian Borle being just off-the-wall crazy. I haven’t laughed that much at a show in awhile. The Audrey II puppets are fantastic, and what they’ve done with the scenic design in such a small space is amazing. I’m excited to see it again with Gideon Glick.

11. Indecent (Huntington Theatre Company, Boston, MA): Indecent is and always will be my favorite play, and I’m so incredibly grateful I got to see it again in Boston. Huntington recreated the Broadway production with many of the original cast members, and it was such a special show. I never thought I’d see that production again live, and Huntington gave me such an incredible gift with this play. 

12. Freestyle Love Supreme (Booth Theatre, New York, NY): FLS is just fun from start to finish. It’s completely improvised with special unannounced guests every night, so it’s different every time you see it. I loved seeing how they made the show more inclusive between Off-Broadway and Broadway (by asking people their pronouns, for example), and I have a blast every time. 

13. Ain’t Too Proud - The Life and Times of the Temptations (Imperial Theatre, New York, NY): I saw Ain’t Too Proud mostly for Jeremy Pope, and I was so pleasantly surprised by how much I genuinely loved the show. Derrick Baskin is one of the most hardworking performers on Broadway—he literally does not leave the stage. The choreography is so much fun, and each person in the cast is so incredibly talented. It’s also one of the most pleasant stage doors I’ve ever experienced; everyone at the stage door just really genuinely wants to congratulate and thank the performers, and the actors are so kind. 

14. Teeth (National Alliance for Musical Theatre Festival, New York, NY): It’s wild even to me that I’m putting a staged partial reading on this list, but that’s how good Teeth was. I spent the entire time laughing, and the songs are constantly stuck in my head. Everyone at the festival was talking about how much they loved the show, so I’m hopeful there will be a full production of it sometime soon.

15. Slave Play (John Golden Theatre, New York, NY): It’s hard to talk about Slave Play because it transcends descriptors like “good” or “bad.” Slave Play is important. It’s complex. It’s necessarily provocative. And it’s shaken up Broadway like no show has in recent memory. It’s a show I think every American adult should see. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I saw it. It only runs for a couple more weeks, and if you haven’t seen it, you need to. 

[thesinglesjukebox]

DUA LIPA - PHYSICAL

[7.50]

It's okay! Move that boogie body!

Leah Isobel: It is a dark and stormy night. In a sinister science lab located somewhere in Carmen Sandiego's plush pomo lair, a pop singer plugs in a neon light, shrugs into a next-season Gaultier lab coat and gets to work. In the reflection of her gold-tinted goggles we see her add one (1) part Extract of "Into You," one (1) part Juice of Newton-John, and four (4) drops of Synthesizer Spice into a contoured beaker. She turns on the flame of a Bunsen burner; stream gushes from her concoction like a geyser, emitting a high, keening refrain. She whispers a few luscious words into the steam -- "diamond," "sssimulation," "adrenaline" -- but her experiment still lacks a certain something. Then -- BOOM! -- in a thundercrash of lightning, it hits her. Eureka! She turns and sees her reflection illuminated in the glass of an emergency axe container, kept onsite in case of fire. "Well," she chuckles to herself as she breaks the glass with a four-inch stiletto heel, "I am creating something... hot." Axe in hand, she chops the neon light into pieces and stuffs the shards, now glittering like a million sequined dancefloors, into the beaker. With the addition of this Decoction of Disco, her potion bubbles... it burbles... then KABOOM: it explodes the entire building and half of the surrounding city! She stands in the wreckage as thunder splits the sky above and sirens wail in the distance. We see Dua's eyes glow green before she throws her head back to the sky and screams: "GAY RIIIIIGHTS!" [9]

William John: Probably the best example of what parts of the Internet's stan culture would facetiously refer to as "gay rights" from a mainstream musical artist since... the last Dua Lipa single, or, failing that, "Into You." Like those precedents, "Physical" is camp but magisterial; playful but extremely melodramatic; sweeping, dance floor ready, and dripping with an exultant swagger. Her reminder to "hold on, just a little tighter" at the bridge is, truthfully, a hollow gesture; at that stage, the listener is so deeply embroiled in her glorious disco caprice as to not really be capable of gripping anything at all. [10]

Jackie Powell: It couldn't be clearer that Dua Lipa had something to prove not only to herself, but to the pop music intelligentsia on her sophomore offering. What has struck me most about the Future Nostalgia cycle is how Dua is executing every facet of it with confidence. On this track, she's not afraid of hitting notes that eclipse the breadth of her previous singles, especially on the bridge. "Physical" is a representative offering of exactly what she's aiming to prove. Each track we've heard so far reflects a different decade accompanied with a modern polish. I don't think I'm the only one who believes Olivia Newton-John's '80s exercise sexual metaphor smash "Physical" deserves the tribute it's getting here. There's a clear homage paid to her and to Patti LaBelle on Lipa's own "Physical." I'm going to interpret her lyric "We created something phenomenal" as a bit of a double-entendre. Not only is it about sex in the narrative of the track, but it's a comment on Lipa's approach to this era and her confidence on every single part of it. The sexual symbolism isn't just in the lyrics, but also in the track's composition and the narrative communicated in the visual treatment. The vocal highs that she hits on the bridge represent a climax musically and sexually. She has so much confidence in the visual treatment, she spends most of it braless. That takes guts. [9]

Tobi Tella: Dua Lipa's perceived lack of personality has turned out to actually be lack of a schtick preventing her from artistically evolving, something many of her peers are plagued with. Also, I've died and gone to gay heaven. [9]

Alfred Soto: The way Dua Lipa's unexpected bon mots and smoky sultriness ride the beat and compete with the strings compensate for a production too dressed up in leg warmers and headbands for my taste -- I mean, her exhortations are more fearsome than erotic. [7]

Julian Axelrod: Pop's '80s revival arms race has escalated to its natural endpoint: the accidental exhumation of Olivia Newton-John. I wish Dua Lipa had used "let's get physical" in a more literal iteration; singing it over hyperdrive synths guarantees it'll be never played in its intended setting, especially when she has half the energy of ONJ. But she hit the mark where it counts: This is going to rule spin classes for the rest of the year. [6]

Brad Shoup: A throwback training-montage track that suggests sex but is really about dancing and Olivia Newton-John erasure. This is Stranger Things pop. [5]

Thomas Inskeep: Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when soundtracked by throbbing '80s synths. [6]

Ashley Bardhan: Okay, fine, I enjoy horny music. Sue me! This song is what would happen if ABBA was brought back to life as a bunch of hot 20-year-olds in little shirts from Fashion Nova. The "let's get physical" chorus feels a little lazy since it's a direct lift from Olivia Newton-John's 1981 hit, but this is a great song to listen to while thinking about that video of Charli XCX holding poppers. No complaints here. [7]

Alex Clifton: I've underestimated Dua Lipa. Her first album had some hits and misses, but Future Nostalgia is shaping up to be one of the best pop releases of 2020 based on the strength of its singles. "Physical" is a cascade of rainbow lights in a roller rink and makes me long to go out to a club, one where I can get down in a huge crowd of people and dance my white-girl ass off poorly. I'm an extreme introvert, so anything that makes me want to leave the house and be around strangers is powerful stuff indeed. It's a little cheesy, but who cares? It's a love letter to the '80s with all the campiness a song citing Olivia Newton-John should have. I'm desperately in love with Dua Lipa after hearing this, and I have a feeling "Physical" will be one of my favourite songs of the year. [9]

Stephen Eisermann: Dua Lipa has quietly become the pop superstar that so many of us wanted Carly Rae to be. Both women make incredible music, but it is Dua who has found commercial success; after hearing "Physical," it seems pretty obvious why. It's a retro-laden, power-pop track that is extraordinary only in the way Dua delivers it. What should be pedestrian instead is hypnotic, infectious, and oh so delicious. [8]

Lauren Gilbert: I promised a friend I'd blurb this song, and now that I've sat down to write it, I have nothing to say. It is a perfect pop song -- Dua knocks it out of the park on this record. I keep getting distracted from writing jamming to the track. I'm dancing while lying down on my couch. She created something phenomenal; we are left with no choice but to stan. [10]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I've justified Dua Lipa's dearth of personality in years past, but this is where things don't add up: her dead-eyed singing makes no sense during the chorus, whose synths lack the fervor to make up for clinical vocal melodies. Around this time last year, we had Lizzo's "Juice"; now we have "Physical" as an example of '80s pastiche that only feels like it exudes energy and passion and charm. [2]

Will Adams: It's neat to have a single that's its own Initial Talk remix, but the synthpop revivalism is a bit too literal, to the point of putting all its chips on an Olivia Newton-John quote. It's not until the bridge -- "keep on DANCING!" -- where the drama locks in and starts, but only starts, to feel real. [6]

Kylo Nocom: Dua Lipa, determined more than ever to win the Popjustice £20 Music Prize, accidentally transforms into Alice Chater in the process. [5]

Katherine St Asaph: If "Physical" being by Dua Lipa wasn't hypertargeted enough to the Popjustice set, is that the synth progression from Saint Etienne's "No Cure for the Common Christmas" in the intro and beneath the chorus? It's certainly the same height of drama. The track attached isn't quite so charged: a little too Lady Gaga circa "Applause" and a little too Peloton instructor quoting Olivia Newton-John for absolutely no reason besides the culture deciding at some point to make the phrase a permanent, meaningless meme. (The song doesn't even sound particularly '80s; the disco strings are the decade prior, and the vocal squiggles on the verse are so specifically 2016 a time traveler's on their way to erase them.) Dua Lipa only betrays a personality on the spoken-word bridge; ironic how that and the vaporous intro, the least physical things on this track, are the most thrilling. [7]

Vikram Joseph: The intro feels like a prickling at the back of your neck, the one-line pre-chorus feels like plummeting six floors in a broken elevator, and the chorus is such a headrush you can practically smell the poppers: "Physical"'s thrills might be straightforward, but they're visceral as fuck. There are vintage Lady Gaga vibes, the "come on!"s are surely a nod to "We Are Your Friends," and the whole thing reminds me, inexplicably, of Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." But Dua Lipa is starting to make this all seem effortless, and the panache with which she delivers "Physical" easily pulls it clear of the gravitational field of its forebears. [9]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: "Physical" dares us to be the boldest versions of ourselves. It finds itself at the perfect intersection of confidence and lust. Dua Lipa is flirting with you with a playfulness she can only possess because she already knows you're going home together -- and she won't let you leave until the dancing is done. Dancing here is instinct, it's synths that sound as sweet as they do sinister, it's salty like the sweat that rolls down your forehead after you've been, well, physical. Dua Lipa is crushing the Confessions on a Dance Floor album that I've long been waiting for Lady Gaga to make. Dance floor music has long been my site of refuge and catharsis, so it's refreshing to be reminded that it can still sound so immediately, eminently thrilling. [9]

Kayla Beardslee: This doesn't quite reach the heights of "Don't Start Now," but damn it comes close. "Physical" should, in theory, be a cookie-cutter pop girl release, but Dua proves once again that she is the most important element in her music. The producers are doing everything right too, but who else could pull off her endearing smirk in "common love isn't for us" or that wonderful growl in "follow the noise"? And Dua takes us through a transcendental bridge that highlights the best qualities of her voice: singing simple lyrics that say everything they need to, she's breathless yet confident, desperate for touch yet satisfied with the musical world she's helped to create. Something phenomenal, indeed: this rollout has been a joy to follow. [9]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: "Physical" takes the opposite approach to "Don't Start Now" -- while that song's studio version swallows up its singer in a beautifully constructed, sterile disco pastiche (the live versions and remixes are much better), turning her into just one more retro cog, "Physical" makes her the center of attention. The production around her is good enough (the synth preset change right before the chorus starts is especially nice), but not particularly coherent or hooky on its own. In the vacuum left, Dua gets to have more fun, charismatically switching between vocal styles and walking around like she owns the place. [8]

Jibril Yassin: A powerhouse vocal colliding headfirst with production that's neither plodding nor limp. It's a song that's meant to feel like a blockbuster and after a few failed tries, it's thrilling to hear Dua Lipa finally nail the landing and sound like the superstar she wants to be. [7]

Michael Hong: "Physical" is magnetic. Its pulse is unrelenting, its atmosphere is shadowy and captivating, and Dua Lipa gives possibly her best vocal performance. There's no sense of the up-and-coming performer who delivered everything with stolid execution, instead, "Physical" is a sly wink of a pre-chorus leading to a forceful command: "baby, keep on dancing like you ain't got a choice." Dua Lipa is at the helm, all thoughts and any other desires are out the window, and the night is neverending. [7]

Joshua Lu: Several of Dua Lipa's past hit songs have relied on a marketable veneer of cool: "New Rules" works because she's the straight-talker friend giving advice, "Don't Start Now" necessitates a stoic character who can't be bothered to fret about her ex, and even on collaborations like "One Kiss" does Dua employ a rather unemotional voice, like she's a blank canvas for Calvin Harris' more playful and engaging production. "Physical" feels like such a departure for Dua not just because of its obvious throwback sound, but because this veneer of cool is completely torn down when the song reaches its rushing chorus. She sounds more and more desperate as her voice climbs and the synths soar above her, and her cries of "come on" ring as desperate instead of dominant. The song is indebted to pop titans of yesteryears (Olivia Newton-John obviously inspired the title, but the theatrics of the song feel more indebted to Bonnie Tyler or Patti Labelle) to the point of it not really feeling like a Dua song, but she sells it all so convincingly that it feels like a natural fit. It's part pop song, part epic showdown, and I look forward to Dua continuing to push herself to the forefront of mainstream pop music greatness. [9]

Scott Mildenhall: Little wonder that Lipa's so keen to get physical, given that she's "dreaming in a simulation" -- her focus seems to be on the former, since the latter exemplifies the aimlessness of the verses in comparison to the locked-and-loaded chorus. That has its thrills, yet never feels as loose as seems intended. "Physical" comes across too in love with the idea of being a kind of Perfect Pop to actually be it; an anthem for kinetics developed via science textbook. [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[goddessvicky]

Song meme

Rules: List 10 songs you’ve been listening to

Thanks for another tag, @that-wimpy-cowboy-doll!  <3 Giving me the distraction I need when I needed it!

1. Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie - This song has always been a soundtrack when I’m writing. The flow of the lyrics, and the building of suspense is beautiful, and I could see it as the background music in a battle scene. It’s one I always come back to when I need inspiration.

2. Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars  - I’ve always found Joy Williams’ voice like a balm, and she gets to showcase it here in spades. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 19 years and you learn the ins and outs of your partner in ways you never thought possible, and this song speaks to that and is something I can relate to.

3. Freaks and Geeks by Childish Gambino - I count myself lucky AF that I was able to see this man perform live. Hearing all the kids around be singing the lyrics back to him? Amazing. It was before this song was out (he was still riding high on Heartbeat) but the next time we manage to go out to karaoke, this is going to be my go-to song.

4. Good As Hell by Lizzo - Don’t get me wrong, I’m loving EVERYTHING Lizzo has put out there, but this bopper is just so fun and positive and I get a smile on my face just thinking about it.

5. 26 by Paramore - This song is bittersweet. I’ve been following the band since their Riot! album, and have therefore been witness to the rough things they’ve gone through. It’s clear in this song that Hayley’s dealing with some stuff, and it’s beautiful to see it be so raw. “Reality will break your heart, survival will not be the hardest part, it’s keeping all your hope alive when all the rest of you has died.” I feel that lyric on a deeply personal level.

6. Lost In Paradise by Evanescene - Amy Lee was *everything* to me in HS. I actually met the whole band during college. I’ve got a thing for powerful vocals and dammmmmnnn does she fit that bill. The song itself is bittersweet, but the strength she has in her voice... it’s magical.

7. Alexander Hamilton from the musical Hamilton - I start each week by listening to the musical in full. Was very lucky and managed to see the show when it came to Chicago (OMG Wayne Brady played Burr and it was AMAZING) and had absolutely NO KNOWLEDGE of the songs before going in. Getting to experience it for the first time live? Chills.

8. The Village by Wrabel - fitting song, seeing as it’s Pride month, and this one goes out to all my trans brothers and sisters. You are not wrong, or broken, or any of the other ugly things they throw out there. You’re beautiful, from your toes to the tips of your ears. Stunning. Gorgeous.

9. Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn - hey, sometimes you need to put on a fuzzy jacket and dance it out. This song does exactly that. 

10. Grow As We Go by Ben Platt - Let’s just say this song is cathartic after all the twists and turns that come with being in a 19-year-long relationship, but I’m happy to say that things are good, and this song grips my heart in a very deep, personal way.

You say there's so much you don't know You need to go and find yourself You say you'd rather be alone 'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else Who said it's true That the growing only happens on your own? They don't know me and you I don't think you have to leave If to change is what you need You can change right next to me When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow And we'll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go You won't be the only one I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn I don't know how this river runs But I'd like the company through every twist and turn I don't know who we'll become I can't promise it's not written in the stars But I believe that when it's done We're gonna see that it was better That we grew up together Tell me you don't wanna leave 'Cause if change is what you need You can change right next to me When you're high, I'll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow We'll take it slow And grow as we go

Hey you! YEAH! You! If any of my followers are musically inclined, feel free to share in the fun!

[zig-a-zow]

As told by Aiden [Chapter 2: Freak me out]

Summary: Aiden Zhou had everything figured out. He was a Junior at high school, he would graduate in two years, attend a prestigious school such as Juilliard and become the best musician he could be. Of course, despite being practically a prodigy at what he loved, he had a lot to learn yet, especially the most important lesson: there was more to life than what he once thought.

Pairings: Aiden x MC (Grace Ashton), Michael x MC (Callie McKenzie)

Word count: 3218

Notes: Hello there! What is this, you might be asking yourself? Well, nothing other than what the title says: High School Story as told by Aiden. The events from the book, but from his perspective, plus extra scenes/fanon lore. There are significant changes in this story, though. For once, I have two MCs, best friends Grace and Callie. However, one of them will be significantly more prominent due to being Aiden's love interest. Also, each chapter has its own song, cause how could I write about Aiden without music included? Click the lyrics to listen.

Ch. 1 - Ch. 2 (It's right here!) - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4 - Ch. 5 - Ch. 6 - Ch. 7 - Ch. 8 (Coming soon!)

I'm not the toughest guy

I gotta keep my eyes open

You came out of nowhere.

It wasn't too late to turn around and leave.

Nobody he knew had seen him yet, and if they had, they didn't approach. It was completely safe, he could just turn around and...

"Aiden! I knew you'd come!"

Ezra was by his side two seconds later, a firm arm around his shoulders as he expertly steered him away from the door.

"For the record, I am not here because of... anyone in particular" he muttered then with a sigh of defeat, allowing his friend to guide his steps.

"Then why are you here, buddy?" Ezra rised an eyebrow at him, significantly, before shaking his head. "No need to answer, it's okay. I'll get us something to drink."

Aiden ended up beside a large table where a few other members of the band were already talking and laughing among themselves. Nobody seemed to notice him, except for one person.

"Oh, Aiden!" a girl called for him, and he refrained from sighing deeply as he turned around. "I was hoping you'd show up!"

Lottie Miller was approaching him, with her twin sister Lorna on tow. They were both clarinet players and quite talented at that. He wished that was the only reason he could recognize them.

"Oh... yes. Thank you, I guess."

"Myra said you wouldn't come. Maybe... there's someone you wanted to see?"

"No! I mean... uh, I don't..."

Aiden sighed with relief when he saw Ezra approaching once again, holding two plastic cups and offering him one with a wide grin.

"Oh, Lottie and Lorna, I didn't see you there" he said then, rising his own red cup significantly. "Or I would've brought drinks for you too... wait, is that Jones over there? Jones, long time no see...!"

Aiden wanted to ask him, maybe even beg him to stay, but his lips remained glued together as he gripped the plastic cup on his hands. He really, really wished Myra was there.

She would tease him, of course, but she would also save him from the awkwardness of being left practically alone with Lottie Miller, who very obviously was 'crushing' on him.

It wasn't about him being full of himself at all, it was an actual fact. He knew, everyone in the band knew. And Lottie wasn't a bad match for him, either.

She was a very talented musician, aesthetically pleasing, with a nice personality and most of all, she shared many of his favorite classical pieces. She appreciated the same things he did.

And yet...

"I overheard that you're working on a new piece" she said after a moment, and Aiden realized that her sister was gone now. "I would love to hear it someday."

"Well... maybe someday" he mumbled as he took a sip of the soda on his cup, looking away not so subtly.

"I'm looking forward to it. By the way, have you heard about...?"

... he didn't like her. Not that way, at least.

He always told himself that it was nothing personal, and if he weren't so focused on his music, maybe he'd give it a go. But that wasn't the case.

His eyes found Ezra's across the room, and silently begged for a quick rescue mission. His student director seemed to understand, as he gave a quick nod and walked their way.

"Excuse me, Lottie, but I absolutely must steal him for a moment" he said as he grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him away easily. "I think Lorna was looking for you just now."

"Oh... okay! I'll see you around, Aiden."

"Yeah, of course..."

Aiden allowed himself to breath with relief when they were finally away from her. The feeling of not knowing how to conduct himself was enough to make him feel uncomfortable.

"You okay there, pal?"

"Yes, thank you" he mumbled then, casting one last glance behind him before relaxing a bit. "I think Lottie is becoming more and more obvious about her infatuation."

"So..." Ezra looked around and, realizing they were the only ones not moving at the dance floor, started dancing in a relaxed manner. "What are you gonna do about it?"

"Do I, uh, have to do something...?"

"Well... you're not obligated to, but you probably should. Let her know how you feel so she can move on, you know. Rip the band-aid off."

Aiden thought silently for a few moments, noticing that Ezra was now moving to the rhythm of the music. He certainly didn't want to stand out from the dancing crowd, but he also knew he was awful at it.

Still he chose to give it a try, hoping Ezra would be compassionate enough.

He wasn't.

"For a guy with impeccable rhythm, you sure can't dance" Ezra chuckled, shaking his head with a teasing smile. "I think you're even worse than my little brother, Caleb."

Aiden could feel his cheeks start burning, and he scowled, looking away.

"Knowing the beat and moving your feet are two separate skills..."

"Shhh, look. Over there. We've got incoming."

He followed Ezra's gaze, and there she was again. Grace was approaching them with a smile on her face, and two other girls by her side. One of them, the tallest one, he could recognize. He saw her climbing out of the red car with Grace that morning.

He tried very, very hard not to focus on Grace's attire. She looked really good in it and that was bad for him and his lack of control over his notorious embarrassment. He looked away again, quickly.

"Hey, guys" before he knew it, the girls were already there with them, Grace taking the lead. "I take it you're enjoying the party?"

"Eh. It's okay, but nothing compared to Payton's" Ezra shrugged nonchalantly, giving the other two girls a respectful nod. "Hello there, I don't think we've met..."

"Hi, I'm Callie!" the tallest blonde exclaimed immediately, a big cheerful smile on her lips. "You must be Ezra... and Aiden, of course! Grace told me about you!"

"Good things, I hope."

"A lady never tells!"

Both Ezra and Callie shared a laugh, while Aiden focused his attention on Grace and the other blonde girl, who was whispering something in her ear, blushing a deep scarlett. Grace nodded and patted her back before she walked away, toward a table where the football team was playing cards.

"That was Emma. She doesn't mean to be rude, she's just shy. And she really likes... cards" explained Grace when her attention returned to them, shrugging slightly. "Anyway... I was under the impression that this was a party. Why are we standing here instead of dancing?!"

"Alright, let's dance! Which reminds me..." Ezra shot him a sideways glance and Aiden almost literally stepped away, because he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like what could come next. "I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can teach Aiden here some moves!"

"I have plenty of... moves."

"Is that so?" Grace's smirk was enough to make him regret saying that, as she watched him intently. "Okay, show me what you've got."

He... really didn't have much. And it showed. His movements were awkward and stiff, and he was getting ready to hear her laugh at him again. But the laughter never came. Instead, she studied him with a thoughtful expression.

"Mhm... I see. Here, I'll help you out. Give us some space."

Callie and Ezra exchanged a brief glance before stepping back, but Aiden couldn't focus on them for too long, as Grace grabbed his shoulders gently to draw his attention to her once again.

"Don't mind them. Focus on me" she said, and took a deep breath, smiling calmly. "You need to relax, alright? I'm gonna show you some basic steps, nothing too complicated."

Aiden nodded at that, as he really didn't know how to reply verbally at the moment. Grace smiled and started to sway slowly from side to side, and as he quickly noticed, she was following the rhythm of the music.

"You just gotta follow the beat, like me. Try it. I promise I won't laugh" she gave him a nod full of reassurance, and for some strange reason, he decided to trust her. He copied her movements as accurately as he could, and she nodded again in approval. "Just like that! Think about it this way... the floor is a drum, and your feet are the drumsticks. Does that make sense?"

"Barely... but it's surprisingly helpful, too" he admitted, daring to smile ever so slightly. He could feel himself move more swiftly. "... Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

Grace smiled back at him, and for a moment, just a second, the music and the people around him disappeared. It was just them, staring intently at each other. He was surprised at how comfortable that was.

It ended too quickly, though.

"Well, look at that!" Aiden startled slightly when he heard Ezra's voice, turning around to see him grinning. "My boy is finally learning to dance!"

"Pfft. It's not that hard, don't make a big deal out of it" Grace shrugged and stepped away, a glimpse of embarrassment on her face. "You did great, Aiden."

"Oh my goodness! Grace, look over there!"

Before he could even reply, Callie grabbed Grace by the shoulders and pulled her away. She pointed to the snacks table, where a group of cheerleaders was talking and laughing together. Callie sighed wistfully.

"Look at them... they're so cool!"

"Didn't you have lunch with them earlier today?"

"Yeah, but--"

"Go talk to them, Callie. And if they make you feel bad, come find me."

Aiden watched silently as the blonde girl nodded and skipped away. There was no way for him to be sure of what Grace was implying with that last line, but he suspected it wasn't exactly good. He swallowed hard, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

"Well, that was fun" finally Ezra spoke again, both of them turning to him at the same time. "But I need a change of pace... I'll leave you guys alone, don't get in trouble!"

"We'll try!" Grace exclaimed back, clearly joking, just as Ezra waved and walked away as well.

At last, they were alone. Well, as alone as they could be, with a bunch of people dancing around. Aiden tried to think of something to say, not even sure of what, but she beat him to it.

"So! Dancing is alright, but I have something else in mind" she said with a big smile, grabbing his hand to pull him with her. "Come on!"

Aiden gasped as she lead him quickly through the crowd, accidentally pushing a few people. He muttered a few rushed apologies, until they were finally out of that sea of people. They were in front of a small stage, and he feared the worst.

"Karaoke!"

Of course.

"Seriously? Karaoke?"

"Yeah, seriously!" Grace still had a huge grin of excitement on her face, as she obviously didn't care if he thought it was silly or not. "I'm gonna do it, with or without you... though I'd really like to do it with you."

She shot him a wink, and thankfully for him, she turned around to flip through the music tracks just in time. That way she wouldn't see the humiliating red tone on his cheeks.

"Ugh, so many love songs! And of the cheesy kind!" she complained aloud, before finally finding one she seemed to approve of. "Ever heard of My Magical Affair?"

"I can't say that I have."

"Ah, you're missing out!"

Just by hearing the name of the band, he doubted it, but decided not to argue. Grace turned to him and offered him a microphone, with a glimmer of mischief in her chocolate eyes. Aiden sighed deeply, and took the microphone a second later, joining her.

"Fine" he muttered then, but his voice didn't match with the tiny smile on his lips. "But only one song, and that's it."

Grace just nodded once, and pointed to the screen where the lyrics were displaying. He recognized the song, "Lurking in Darkness" by Domesticated Antelope, as he had heard it a few times. Of course, he wasn't about to tell her that.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Aiden, if I wasn't sure, I wouldn't be here right now. Let's do this!"

Finally the music started to play, a heavy beat with elaborate studio effects on the side. Grace nodded to the rhythm, her dark curls jumping along, just before she finally started singing, with him following along.

"Watch out! It's the terror of the night..."

"The shadow that hides from the light..."

"Guard yourself and all your intentions..."

"'Cuz once he's out, there'll be no interventions!"

Certainly that wasn't his usual pick on music, but even he had to admit to himself that he was quite enjoying the feeling of "letting go" that the rhythm and the lyrics were providing. However, he couldn't help but notice that Grace's voice was powerful and sounded a little bit more potent than his own, leading him to assume that she probably had taken lessons.

The song ended just a few minutes later, and a round of applause from a bunch of their classmates could be heard. Aiden was embarrassed to admit that he hadn't noticed their presence until then.

He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. It had been a while since he last had an audience.

"We need a big finisher!"

Grace nodded once again, a bright smile on her face as she brought her lips to his cheek and pressed gently, briefly. Aiden didn't exactly know how to react, so he remained still for a few seconds, hearing the crowd cheer louder this time, some of them even whistling teasingly.

"What was that for?" he asked as he immediately placed his hand right on the spot she had kissed, as if it burned. Somehow it did.

She shrugged nonchalantly, placing both microphones back on their places.

"I dunno. Spur of the moment decision" she said with a small, playful smile. "It just felt right, y'know?"

Aiden simply nodded, swallowing hard and looking away. That wasn't going to hide the red hue adorning his pale skin, but it was the best he could do at the moment.

"Ahem..." Grace made a small sound to get his attention again, and when she did, she made a gesture with her head in an attempt to show him something. "Is that your girlfriend over there?"

"What?! No, I don't...!" when he turned around, he could spot Lottie staring at them with a slight frown, though she looked away as soon as she noticed his eyes on her. Aiden sighed. "No. I don't have a girlfriend."

"Oh. Good to know."

Grace hopped off the makeshift stage and waved her hand for him to follow her as she started her way through the crowd again. He had no idea why, but he found himself following her steps as she made a path for the both of them, finally reaching the sliding glass doors in the back of the house.

She sighed with delight as she stepped outside.

"Fresh air! Just what I needed!" she exclaimed, stretching her arms briefly as she turned to him with a smile. "So, what's the veredict? Did you have fun or what?"

"Well... I suppose it wasn't as bad as I thought it could be" Aiden admitted as he buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans, shrugging. "Also, you have a very good voice for singing. Is it safe to assume this isn't your first time?"

"Of course it isn't, I love singing! And writing songs, too."

Grace stood right beside him and nudged him gently, smiling slightly.

"Don't think I didn't notice that you have a nice set of pipes yourself."

"Thanks, I guess... even though I prefer wielding an instrument than a mic" he admitted then, just before beaming at her. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."

Grace smiled back and for a second, a comfortable silence settled between them. After a moment she took a few steps back, grabbing his arm gently for him to do the same. Before he could ask why, water splashed close to them, as Brian jumped into the pool with an obnoxious fit of laughter.

"Man, I hate that guy."

"He's not very likable, yes. And he doesn't seem to like you either, as you were not invited" Aiden commented absent-mindedly, watching as Grace's friend, Callie, climbed out of the pool with a guy he barely had seen once or twice at school. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but... do you do this often? 'Crashing' parties, I mean."

"Nope. This is the first time, actually" Grace admitted as she also observed Callie and her new friend checking the picture that Payton had just taken. "I wasn't going to come. But Callie insisted; plus Brian had been a complete jerk to Emma, and she deserved some payback, even if it was just getting into his party without being invited. So here I am."

"Mhm."

He kept quiet for a few seconds, and when he looked down, he found Grace's dark eyes on him, watching him closely. A tiny smile appeared on her lips when a rosy tone colored his cheeks.

"I know what you're thinking. You're wondering if I'm a troublemaker, aren't you?" she tilted her head slightly, seemingly curious, though she didn't wait for an answer. "Let me answer that question for you: no, I'm not. I don't think of myself as one."

"Then what do you think of yourself as?"

"Great question. I think of myself as a person that sometimes gets in trouble, but very rarely causes it."

Aiden remained silent after that. Her words made sense and her voice sounded sincere enough. He really didn't want to sound judgemental, but he was genuinely curious. He needed to know if she was trouble, so he could keep his distance.

However, a part of him knew that whatever her answer was, he would find it difficult to stay away for long.

I know you don't mean no harm

You're just doing your thing

But man, you really freak me out.

Chapter 2 is up!

I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is appreciated and encouraged. Thanks for reading!

[eurusholmmes]

My Sunshine| Mark Sloan

Obviously song lyrics come from You Are My Sunshine - by Johnny Cash. 

I was rewatching the Season 6 and 8 finale over the past couple of days.. and it just occurred to me again how absolutely phenomenal Marks character development was for the time he was on the show!

Prompt: You and Mark are head over heels in love with each other. but he believes you deserve someone better and you, on the other hand, have never wanted anything more then to call him yours. But time.. you never seem to have enough of it. 

Key: bolded italics are lyrics

Italics are flashbacks

Set during 8x24-9x01

Darkness. All you could see was the darkness, hear the rabid sounds of wild animals that tore into the body of the youngest Grey, taste the blood in the air that seeped through open wounds. It was nearly two in the morning according to your watch, and you were currently standing watch while the rest of the group slept. 

All of them except Mark. 

Your y/e/c eyes fell upon Arizona Robbins and Mark Sloan, who were nestled together in the broken back of the plane. After diagnosing his cardiac tamponade and releasing the excess blood, you’d taken Mark away from Lexie’s body and set to making him as comfortable as you possibly could. 

  ‘’Mark.” You said quietly, leaning against the back of the wing as Cristina heaved his limp body and settled him awkwardly against your chest. His warm breath ghosted your skin as you tenderly wrapped your arms around his torso, careful not to aggravate his injuries any further. He shivered as you inhaled his scent - faint cologne and scotch mixed with the smell of leather. Everything that made him Mark. “I’m sorry.” 

  “She was a good girl, y/n.” He rasped, taking your hand in his own and resting it against his face. “But she was never the one for me.” 

You had spent the next hour and a half trying to understand what he meant. Callie had alluded to Mark having secret feelings for you for years, but he had never made an effort to act on them. Secret glances and late nights, whispered confessions and once in a life time opportunities in the on-call room. 

And everything pointed back to time. No matter how much you wanted to or tried, he was always trying to find his worth in the women he slept with. Altman, Torres, Julia, Lexie.. He had tried so hard to find someone to love him the way he loved, but he never had. And now.. now it had finally hit him that you were the one he wanted. 

But it was too late. 

2007

Mark watched you with Derek from the opposite side of the reception hall. You were dressed in a lavender bridesmaids dress that clung to the curves he’d always admired; not too immodest but also leaving enough to the all seeing eye. He’d always had his eyes on you. You were the most captivating woman he’d ever met.. and he couldn’t find the guts to tell you just how beautiful you were to him. 

  “Dude,” Jackson chided, lightly nudging him in the ribs as he tightened his grip on Marks video camera. “You have got to stop undressing her with your eyes. Just.. you’ve gotta tell her how you feel man.” Jackson watched through the lense as Mark swallowed the bile that threatened to rise in his throat. The only Avery child watched intently as Mark then turned himself towards the camera and flipped the power button off.

He clearly didn’t want his speech on record. 

  “You ever get that pounding feeling in your chest that makes your whole body vibrate, Avery? First time I got it was the day I started at the hospital. Derek had brought y/n with him from New York after his move.. and they started running the Neuro Wing together. The Dream Team.. we called them. I couldn’t explain why my heart pounded, or my stomach clenched, or why I lost the ability to speak every time she was near me. Then, it hits me!” Mark snapped his fingers. “It wasn’t like any relationship I’d been in before. Not for the sex.. or for the raw magnetism.. but I was genuinely interested in getting to know this beautiful, captivating woman who was more concerned about the state of my heart then my charmingly good looks.” Jackson was stunned at the earnest expression on Marks face as he continued. “When you can find yourself a woman who wants all of you exactly as you are..” 

Your eyes met Marks in that moment, your y/e/c lighting up as you beckoned him to you from the other side of the room. 

  “You don’t ever let her go.” 

You were pulled from your trance at the sound of Arizonas weak voice. “Y-Y/n-” She murmured, careful not to wake the others as you padded over to her. “He’s saying your name again.” Grimacing, you pushed your hair out of your face and took her spot nestled in the wing, resting Marks head on top of the pillow in your lap. Arizona yawned and settled her head on your shoulder before she fell back into a fitful sleep. 

  “’M sorry y/n-” Mark said quietly. You allowed your gaze to flicker down to the man in your arms as you slowly began to rake your fingers through his hair. “All this time, I treated you like you never mattered-” 

A knot formed in your throat as tears blurred your vision. “Mark-” 

  “And the thing is, you’ve always mattered the most. And I’m sorry I never made that clear.” He was having trouble speaking, so you made no move to further the conversation - due to your silent sobbing and the fact that the three words you’d been waiting to say for years were right there, but you couldn’t find it in you to say it to him. “Can you do one more thing for me?” 

You nodded fervently. “Anything.” 

  “Remember the first time you sang You Are My Sunshine to me?” He said quietly. You remembered the night well; it was one of those rare times he’d allowed himself to open up and somehow the two of you ended up entangled on the sofa in his apartment. You wiped away hot tears from his cheeks and allowed him to fall against your chest, head tucked beneath your chin as you softly broke into song. “Can you sing it again-n?” 

The other night dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms 

  “Look me in the face,” Derek snapped, drawing you away from guiding your resident through your post-ops to meet the angry blue irises of your best friend. “Look me in the face y/n y/l/n and tell me you are not in love with Mark Sloan!” 

  “Why does it matter?!” You cried angrily, gripping his wrist and pulling him into the nearest on-call room. Derek simply leaned back against the door and prepared himself for one of your very rare angry rants about life and existence and how sometimes things weren’t fair, but that was how it goes. “Mark has slept with Addison, and Julia, and Lexie, and Callie, and Teddy… I’m not just someones prize to be won, Derek. I’m not a toy, and I’m surely not about to give my heart to a man who has-” 

  “No idea where his worth is?” Derek said quietly, to which you found yourself slack jawed. “Mark never had a father to teach him this stuff, y/n. He doesn’t know what love is because he’s never really experienced it. Do you know what I see when he’s around you?” You lightly shook your head and waited for him to continue. “I see a love struck man who would move heaven and earth and everything beyond in order to win favor with the girl he loves. I see a man who looks at you and says, ‘My God, there’s a woman who will love me despite my flaws and imperfections. There is a real woman who will love me for who I am.” 

  “W-What does Mark see when he looks at me?” 

Derek sighed deeply and tilted his head to the right, cerulean irises glowing in the sunlight that was filtering through the blinds on the windows. “Mark looks at you like you’re his ocean.. and he’s begging to drown.”

When I awoke dear

I was mistaken

So I bowed my head and I cried

Four days. 

You stayed awake for nearly four days, eyes vacant and emotionless as you continued repeating the lyrics to You Are My Sunshine. Part of you had believed at one point that it was the only thing currently keeping Mark alive - hearing your voice. You were so dehydrated and so exhausted that it was more of a mantra then a song, but he seemed completely content with it. 

Your only link to the real world was his fingers dancing along the cracked skin of your knuckles. The blues of his eyes when the sun would rise high enough to see them. He was watching you - just as he always was. You counted it an accomplishment that he could even keep his eyes open at all. 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey 

The remaining six of you were rescued and transported to Boise. The doctors had diagnosed that the crash had taken the remainder of the hearing you’d lost in your left ear, partially due to the shooting over a year before. You allowed your body to relax for the first time in what felt like an eternity, eyes cast towards the ceiling as the sedation took you into a deep sleep. Your first restful sleep in over a week.

When you woke up, you were inside Seattle Grace and staring into the eyes of Owen Hunt. 

  “Y/n.. before you speak, I need you to listen to me very carefully.” The redhead urged softly. “You’ve been asleep for almost forty eight hours, but you’re still severely dehydrated and still malnourished. You’re getting your fluids through your IV, but I need you not to move too quickly or you could risk passing out. Okay?” You swallowed thickly and glanced around the room. Where was Mark? “They told me you were going to ask about Mark.” 

You immediately assumed the worst as his tone fell, and Owen noticed you reaction the second a weak sob broke past your lips. 

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you 

Please don’t take my sunshine away

  “No, no! Mark is fine.. He’s coming out of his sedation now too. If you want… I can have some room cleared for your beds to be in the same area.” His grin widened as your eyes lit up, nodding quickly enough to convey your confirmation and joy over being able to be near a conscious Mark Sloan for the first time in a week. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.” 

You waited in anticipation for Owens arrival, soon finding yourself being wheeled down the hall to Marks room. Fingers loosely clasped together, you allowed one of the interns to redo your braid as Owen and Alex maneuvered you through the main door of Marks room. “There she is-” A familiar voice rasped. “There’s my favorite girl.” 

Your eyes snapped upward and met the striking blues of the man you loved so deeply. 

The next few days were the happiest you’d been in years. Mark didn’t fail to make you feel as if you were the most priceless human being to exist, listening to your stories about your experiences together in med school, listening to him talk about all he’d learned since the day he’d arrived in Seattle. 

But what he really wanted to tell you came the night before he slipped back into the coma. 

I’ve always loved you 

And made you happy

And nothing else could come between

  “I’m sure you’ve figured out by now,” Mark whispered. It was nearly midnight and most of the staff had gone home, albeit the on-call residents and attendings which left you and Mark to the silence in your conjoined room. “It’s been a long time coming for me to say this, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I didn’t love you more then I was capable.” 

  ‘But what about-” 

  “All the other women?” He laughed bitterly under his breath and lightly shook his head as his arms tightened around you. “I didn’t know how to begin to tell you how I felt.. because you’re the only woman who’s ever been interested in me that didn’t want me for just sex and y/n.. it’s the first time I’ve ever felt truly worthy to be in a committed relationship, and I was freaking terrified of falling in love with you because of it. You.. you are someone who deserves more then this man whore. Someone who deserves a pure and honest man- Someone who hasn’t been trampled and broken to pieces.” 

You stopped his sentence short by gripping his chin with your thumb and index finger, lips just inches away from your own as you brought yourself to your knees. “No woman can have a perfect man. I didn’t. I still don’t.” You whispered. “For years, I’ve wanted all of you. The man who walks into this hospital every morning- but with battle scars and insecurities revealed underneath that thick coat of armor you call charm. I didn’t want the Mark Sloan that everyone else sees because a part of me has always known that you crave something more then just the physical intimacy. You crave a home for your aching heart, and I’m telling you that right here, in this moment in our own corner of this hospital where people can heal.. that I want to be your home.”  

Mark cut your speech short by capturing your lips in his own.

  “I love you.” 

  “I love you too.”

But now you’ve left me

To love another

You have shattered all of my dreams

Time was never on your side. 

A week passed, followed by a few more, and finally it had been a month. Thirty days. Thirty freaking days since he had slipped into sleep and never woke up. Derek had found you that morning his directive was to be put in place crying into the mattress, a broken side table in shambles beside the door and your knuckles throbbing from where you’d continuously pounded your hands into the wall. 

It shouldn’t have ever been him. 

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine 

You make me happy when skies are grey

You couldn’t bring yourself to leave his bed. Not when Derek decided to go for his first solo surgery since the crash, not when Meredith had booked it for the airport and left you alone, not when the other fellows and attendings had gathered outside of Marks room. 

It had been an hour since he’d been extubated. Now you were just waiting for the dreaded monotone flatline that would tell you that his heart had stopped beating. That his heart was no longer keeping him alive. 

  “Mark-” You blubbered, wiping your eyes with the back of your hand as you cradled his limp hand against your cheek. “I know I didn’t say it sooner, and I’m so sorry for not telling you how much you meant to me. I.. I have loved you and will never stop loving you. Meeting you.. this incredible, compassion driven, man with a golden heart was the greatest gift a girl like myself could receive. I’m sorry I allowed fear to rule how I felt for you.. and I’m sorry we never got to have our forever.” 

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you

The only sound in that wing of the hospital was the heart broken screams of Mark Sloans name as you collapsed in Derek Shepherds arms, eyes cast on the steady line now running across the monitor. Here you were.. in this world living the life he would’ve thrived in; and the love of your life was waiting for you patiently on the other side. 

Please don’t take my sunshine away

  “I can’t br-eathe-e,” You rasped, chest constricting as you fumbled for a hold on Dereks lab coat. Your other partner in crime pulled you into a warm embrace against his chest, his own tears barely held at a bay as he gently swayed from side to side. 

  “Remember that even if you’re not with the ocean, your ocean still lives on right here.” Derek whispered as he flashed a weak smile, his large hand poised directly over your heart. “Take pleasure in drowning in the forever you had together.” 

So that night, you sat quietly on your bed and ventured through your favorite book of all; a photo album.

A Story of a Love That Almost Was & A Relationship That Always Will Be

Reaching into the pocket of your coat, you pulled out the most recent picture and note and gently slid it into the plastic sheet on the very last page. The two of you had taken it on the plane just as you’d boarded under Marks insistence that your upcoming surgery be photographed as it was one to remember.

The note was nearly twelve pages long and contained the words of a story; one Mark had taken careful time to formulate when you were being taken for tests on your ears and other injuries from the crash. He wanted you to live on without him knowing that deep down you’d always be his.. and he’d always be yours, but that it was alright to move on from him.

That it was alright to live.

And with a watery smile, you took a black Sharpie and wrote the words The End in large print at the bottom of the page.  

[captnbarnesrogers]

Better For Me (Part 8)

Pairing/Characters: Bucky x Reader, Steve x Natasha (Reader sometimes calls her Natalia), Sam Wilson, let’s just say everyone in the fuckin compound lmao Warnings: Swearing, cocky!Bucky, sexual tension, eventual smut, it’s a slow buuuurn Summary: You meet one of New York’s richest Bachelor’s. He’s hot, he’s rich, and he’s an absolute fucking asshole. Luckily for you, you’re an asshole too and you could take a challenge any day. Within the first 24 hours of knowing each other, you’ve already pushed each other over breaking point. But when something comes up, you’re both forced to try and get along. Can it be possible? Word Count: 2.9k+ Chapter Summary: Bucky has had to come home after a freak accident while on duty. He feels insecure and begins to push you away but you show him that you’re not leaving and you will love him no matter what. Chapter Warnings: SMUT, angst, characteristics of PTSD

<<<PREVIOUSLY ON BETTER FOR ME

The steam from the water in the bathtub rose in the air, disappearing as it got higher. Bucky was laughing at the story you’d just told him as he dripped water upon your exposed skin. He places a kiss on your shoulder, feeling a smile upon your skin as he places it.

“Bucky?” He hums in response, “Do you love me?”

“Of course, I do, a lot.”

“I’m just wondering.” He wraps his arm around you and pulls you closer,

“What are you thinking of, Y/N?”

“Nothing…” You begin, “I just- I remember the first couple of times we met, you’d said that you didn’t believe in love.”

“People can change, I guess.” There was a moment of silence before you smile and take a big breath, exhaling loudly, “You want to ask something.”

“What?”

“Just ask it.”

“Bucky…”

“C’mon,” he chuckled, taking your hands into his and intertwine his fingers with yours, “we promised no more secrets, right?” You nodded, “Just ask, I’m an open book.”

“Why didn’t you believe in love?”

“It’s really, um, quite complicated, I don’t know, I guess, I just didn’t have a stable example where love worked out. My dad left before I even started school, my mom got divorced like six times and all the guys she’s married or gone out with were assholes, the guy she’s married too right now spends all his time gambling while his daughter, you know, my sister, she’s out there struggling to get up and go to school every day,” he sighed and lifted your hand up to meet his lips, “I’ve never had a stable relationship, in and out of family.”

“What about Sharon? She seems like a good person.”

“No, she, um, well, she admitted that she was cheating on me while we were together, I fell in love with her and everything was one sided,” He let out a nervous chuckle, “the paternity test came back…” You pushed yourself from him, feeling the water rush against your skin like waves,

“Oh my god, and?”

“She’s one hundred percent not mine, she’s Clint’s.”

“Are you okay? I mean, you were the one who was there when Darcy was born, up until now.”

“I am, a little bit but I also know, I’m not in a position where I can be a great dad. My job takes me to different places and her mother isn’t the person I love. I want my family to be different to the one I grew up in.” You pushed yourself closer to him, taking his face into your hands and kissing him deeply,

“You’re going to be an amazing dad one day, Bucky, I have no doubt about it.”

“I love you.”

“I know,” You giggled, “now, this water is getting cold so, let’s get out?” He nodded and got up, getting your towel from the rack. He helped you wrap yourself so you were warm enough from getting out into cold air. As he stepped out of the tub, following behind you, and gave your ass a little smack, making you yelp, “Hey! Behave, Sergeant.” You played,

“I might not be able to if you keep calling me that.”

“I guess, I can be lenient to a little disobedience.” You smirked. He let out a seductive laugh and tackled you to the bed, making you laugh loudly to his gesture, “I’m a little cold, let’s get dressed, Buck.”

“Fine, but I’ll get you back later!” You got up from your shared bed and let your towel drop,

“If you say so, Sarge.” You tease, wiggling your ass at him, he chases after you and puts you atop of him,

“You are such a fucking tease.”

“Me? I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You say innocently. You feel his bare cock on your unclothed pussy and you couldn’t help but moan as he bucks his hips against you, “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Say you’re sorry.”

“No.” You giggle as your eyes roll back. He pulls away,

“I guess I’ll just have to get dressed then.”

“No!” You protest, “I’m sorry!”

“Good.” He lays himself on top of you again, his body in between your legs. He leans down to press kisses against your skin, “You’re so goddamn beautiful.”

“B-Bucky, please…”

“Patience, baby girl.”

“I don’t fucking have that.” He lets out a laugh,

“I’m trying to be romantic here.”

“I know, sorry, but your turn me on so fucking much, Bucky, please fuck me.” You sat up and took his semi hard cock into your hands, stroking, making him moan from the friction,

“Jesus…”

“C’mon, Bucky, please?” You give him innocent eyes and before you knew it, he had grabbed your hips and moved you upward on the bed, situating himself in between your legs. You giggled at his roughness until he entered your heat without any warning, making you roll your eyes in pleasure, “Fuck!” He thrusted into you roughly, making you moan loudly, profanities spilling one after the other. Bucky grunted and placed soft kisses upon the skin of your shoulder, “Oh my fucking god!” He intertwined his fingers in yours as you chanted out his name like a song.

“Christ, baby girl, fuck!” He hands are behind your head, thrusting deeper as your legs wrapped around his waist. He nuzzles himself into your neck, his rough breath felt hot against your skin, “You’re so tight.”

He rested his head against your forehead and he whispers for you to open your eyes. His voice strained and desperate. You look up at him. With one look in his eyes, his baby blues. Almost as clear as the ocean. You’re done for. Your whimpers are getting pitchy, your nails are digging in his back, your toes are curling. You bit your lower lip, trying to stop the blissful end. You wanted him.

“I can feel you, sweetheart, you can- Oh, fuck!” He cries as you clench around him,

“S-sorry, I- I just- I’m trying not to cum!” You giggle with a pant. He begins to thrust his hips erratically, his groans getting rougher,

“Cum for me, baby, fuck, cum!” You arch your back into him, your nails drag down his back, surely leaving some marks. He suddenly takes your face in his hand and kisses you as his thrusts get sloppy, releasing himself into you. His hips get slower and he whispers almost inaudible ‘I love you’s’ in your ear. He pulls himself out of you and grabs the covers from the end of the bed and tucks you both into the bed, “You okay?” You nod in silence, “You sure?”

“I love you, Bucky.” He places a kiss on your head,

“I love you, Y/N.”

“Do you really have to go?” He nods his head and takes your hand, that was rested on his chest, to his mouth,

“They need some help up there, it’s my job.”

“I know,” you pull yourself closer to him, “you’ll come back, right?” He laughs,

“Always.”

The whole day was a blur. It’s like an out of focus camera, everything happened so fast, before you knew it you were at base with him. He had driven you and Lily back to his place, Lily and Rebecca getting along so easily. You remind her to be a good girl, Bucky on the contrary, told her to do whatever the hell she wanted. The drive to his base was silent but your hand tightly gripping his was just enough to tell him that you didn’t want him to go, that you’d miss him.

You walked him to the runway, where his jet was waiting. Steve stood next to the stairs leading up to the door of the jet. The jet was almost the same colour as the camouflage of his uniform. As he went to take his hand away from yours, you gripped him tighter.

“Sweetheart, I gotta go.” You wrap your arms around his neck,

“Promise me you’ll come back.”

“Baby-”

“Bucky, please, I need to hear you say it.” You didn’t realise the tears come out of your eyes and onto his uniform,

“I’m gonna try.”

“I’m gonna miss you so much.”

“I love you, Y/N, I gotta go.” He takes your arms off of him,

“I’m gonna be waiting for you, James Buchanan Barnes.” He salutes you as he steps into the jet. He salutes you goodbye and you let out a chuckle.

The car felt empty. The apartment would feel emptier too once you’d step into it. He left a scent on your bed, like coffee and cologne mixed together. You gripped the sheets as if he was inside them, like he’d just reappear. There was a boiling in your stomach. You had a gut feeling, you don’t know what it was or why you were feeling it but you didn’t want to think about it.

You checked on Lily, happiness streaming out of her as she played with the beaded bracelet on her wrist given to her by Bucky’s little sister. She lifted her wrist up to show you and you nodded, giving her an expression of adoration. You sat down beside her and kissed her forehead.

“I’m guessing you had a great time with Rebecca?” You asked. She nodded her head enthusiastically,

“She is so cool, Y/N!” You nodded in agreement. You took a deep breath and rubbed your hands against the top of your jeans,

“So, uh, what do you think about Bucky?”

“He’s really nice, I like him,” she smiled sweetly at you, “and he’s hot.”

“Hold you’re horses there, he’s mine.” You joked, giving out a laugh. There was a moment of silence before she shocked you,

“Are you gonna marry him?”

“Lily! I- No- I don’t know.”

“You love him, don’t you?”

“I do, a lot.” She shrugs her shoulders,

“Then marry him!”

“You’re like two years old.”

“I’m ten, dumbo.” You tackled her to the bed as you both bust into a fit of laughter,

“You hungry?” She nodded,

“Take out?”

“That’s my girl.”

Three months had passed. Like every day, you cross off the date on the calendar. You smiled at the little count down that Bucky had written into your calendar, ‘THREE MONTHS LEFT 😊’ it’s said. You walked into Lily’s room and shook her awake, making her groan and complain about not wanting to go to school. With one mention of bacon, she gets up and races into the kitchen. You were starting to get used to Bucky being gone but you couldn’t deny having him in your bed when the nights would get cold would be better.

“Becca’s asking if you want to go over to their place?” Her head shot up and gave out a smile of excitement, a mouth full of toast and bacon, “I’m guessing that’s a yes?” She nodded her head.

As you waved goodbye to Lily and told her to have a good day, she gave you a sweet smile that would comfort you even when the weather was so poor. You entered the grocery store, grabbing a basket for the items you would need. When you grabbed the paper wrapped deli meat from the counter and throwing it in your basket, you phone rang loudly enough for people to start looking at you. If it was possible, the clouds got darker and the rain poured harder.

“Hello?” You heard beeping in the background and your heart started beating to the beep,

“Is this Y/N Y/L/N?”

“This is she, who’s this?” You placed your basket on the tile floor of the shop,

“This is Lieutenant Nicholas Fury, you were the emergency contact number on Sargent Barnes’ file other than Captain Steve Rogers.”

“Emergency? What is this about?”

“Well,” he cleared his throat, “while on duty, the station our soldiers were staying at was attacked.” You let out a gasp as the feeling in your gut dropped down to your feet,

“What happened to him!? Is he okay!?” You ran out of the store and felt the rain plaster your skin,

“Ma’am, he’s in critical condition.” It’s like his words entered in one ear and out the other, “Ma’am?”

“I- Oh my god…”

“He was brought into New York City hospital this morning, you’re welcome to see him.”

“Yes, yes, I’m on my way.” You said as your breath quickened.

You arrived at the hospital like time was slow. Like every minute was an hour. Your heart had left itself at the grocery store and had no way of finding its way back to you. You asked the receptionist where Bucky was staying but the room was going so slow and your head was hurting. You just needed to make sure he was fine but the pounding in your ears wouldn’t stop.

You made your way up to Room 203. Upon your arrival, you were met with a tall man, uniform like Bucky’s.

“Miss Y/L/N?” He called out,

“Lieutenant?” He nodded, “Where is he? How’s he doing?” He led you to Bucky’s room where your breath was cut out at the sight in front of you. His nasal cannula secured to help him breathe. The sheets covered his body, shoulders down. You looked up at the Lieutenant, “What happened?”

“The stationed was bombed and,” You slowly peeled the sheet from his body, “Sargent Barnes was affected, he lost his arm.” You brought your palm to your mouth and cried. You tried to get yourself together, wiping away the tear from your face,

“What-” The doctor came in and looked at his vitals before looking at you with sorrowful eyes,

“Mr. Barnes is now stable, he should be waking up soon.” You thanked her as she exited the room. You continued,

“What’s gonna happen now?”

“Doctor Anthony Stark, you heard of him?” You nodded, “He and his team have come up with a new prosthetic.” He looked at you and sighed, “A metal arm, all he has to do is say yes.” He left you in a blank state and you turned back to face Bucky, setting yourself down on the chair next to his bed,

“All you have to do is say yes, baby.” You whispered to yourself.

You were woken up by Bucky’s loud scream. You got up from the chair as fast as you could react and hushed him to calm him down.

“Shhh, shhh, Bucky, baby, you’re safe, it’s over now.” He gripped your wrist tightly, most likely to bruise your wrist, “Bucky- ow! Bucky, i-it’s Y/N!” He opened his eyes and softened his grip when he saw you, “You’re okay, Bucky, we’re gonna be fine.” He pulled you closer and cried, not knowing what else to do.

Things calmed down after Bucky had asked you to crawl into the hospital bed with him. You didn’t know what to say or do, you just held him. The Lieutenant came back to check up on him.

“Sargent Barnes, you have options,” He begins, “Doctor Anthony Stark and his team have offered to help you with a new prosthetic.”

“A prosthetic?” He questions,

“Bucky, it’s only if you want it.” You tell him,

“I’m already a freak with one arm and you’re telling me you’re gonna turn me into a metal armed freak?”

“Bucky, they’re just trying to help.”

“Y/N, no.”

“Sargent-” Lieutenant interrupts,

“I don’t want it!” You climb out of the white sheeted bed and led Nick out of the room,

“Lieutenant, with all due respect, I don’t think he’s ready for this, it’s all too quick.”

“Well with all due respect, we’re just looking out for him.”

“He’s lost an arm, not his brain and his sense of decision making,” you say, “let him decide himself.”

You thanked Natasha for looking after Lily for the past three days and made sure Bucky was settling in alright. You took a peak at the man before you. You saw the light in his eyes had gone and his demeanour changed. He became who he was before you knew who he really was.

“You alright?” You smiled softly,

“That’s kind of a stupid question isn’t it, Y/N?”

“Sorry, yes, I- Shit, I didn’t mean to-” He let out a rough chuckle,

“’course you didn’t Y/N.” He gets up and walks past you to the kitchen. He grabs a drink from the fridge and tries to open it. You walk over to him and grab the can from his hand, “I can do it myself!” grabbing it back from your grip,

“Bucky, you don’t have to go through this yourself,” you take his face in your hand and softly caress his prickly cheek, “I- I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I don’t need you.”

“If you’d said that months ago I would’ve believed it but right now? I don’t give a fuck what you say, I’m staying, I promised.” His chest heaved up and down,

“Why? Why do you want to stay? What do you get out of this? You wanna stay with a fucking freak!?”

“You’re not a freak! Stop saying that!” He threw the can across the room, startling you,

“What do you want from me?” He broke down right in front of you, his legs gave out and he sobbed, “I’m not the same, I don’t look the same anymore, Y/N.” You kneeled down and embraced him,

“Let me in, Bucky, that’s all I want,” You didn’t realise you’d started crying too, “tell me how you’re feeling, let me go through this with you, I don’t want you to be alone, I love you, Bucky, I don’t care what you look like, just- Please let me in.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, I’m so sorry.” He pulled you closer and held you tighter, “I love you, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you.” You held him on the kitchen floor for almost an hour, “I’m- I’m gonna take the offer from Stark.” You kissed him,

“Whatever you want, baby, I’m right behind you.”

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MASTERLIST

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[popularmolds]

Best rap, 2017

In 2007, I thought I was very fast. That fall, I was one of the top sophomores at the Minnesota high school cross country state championships, which, believe it or not, are very competitive as far as high school cross country state championships go. Then it was winter. There’s no indoor track season in Minnesota; I played hockey, like I had for my entire life to that point, but I also ran 60 miles a week in toques and gloves and terrible things called “wind briefs.” I got ambitious and decided that in the spring, I wanted to be the fastest 15-year-old in the state, the Midwest, maybe the country. 

But in the first week of outdoor track, in the middle of a mile repeat workout we were running on the sidewalk (there was snow on the track), I felt bones splinter. There were stress fractures up and down my left tibia. 

Every afternoon for the next twelve weeks, I had to find a ride from my high school down to a suburban YMCA, chosen because it had a reliably deserted pool. I needed to get in some sort of cardio with zero impact on my bones. If you’ve never seen someone water run, it looks like a recurring nightmare playing out under fluorescent lights: a skeletally thin person in the water, upright, making all the movements he or she would make on the track, but moving impossibly slow, back and forth, end to end. It’s like quicksand. I would sweat and strain and grit my teeth, but I was barely moving. 

A couple weeks into my muggy purgatory, my friend Collin burned me a CD of an obscure album he’d found on a Wordpress blog. It was called Brokelore and was by someone named Grip Grand––clearly from the Bay, but we couldn’t find anything else about him. 

It blew me away. I listened to it every day, to and from the Y, in headphones or out of those primitive aux hookups that plugged into the cassette decks in my friends’ cars. He sounded gruff and grizzled, but we had no idea what he looked like. (Eventually, Collin found a short interview Grip had done with a blog, but we assumed the press photo was of the blogger, not the rapper. Sorry, Grip.) 

The record’s mostly self-produced; the beats have a little grit and a lot of warmth. Grip’s voice is tough, but elastic enough to bounce and bend and let the humor through. Grip is quick and witty, but threads the record with these incredibly earnest love letters to rap: "96 Tears” is an extended lyrical exercise, “Hip-Hop Classic” is the sound of someone pounding his fist on a computer desk, searching. There’s a song with Percee P (”Paper Cup”) and a song where Grip thanks Percee P for dropping that verse (”Showtime (That’s Entertainment)”). There’s “Handle That,” which was probably conceived as a parody of popular rap styles at the time but got mutated along the way and sounds like a good-faith alien transmission; there’s distortion and vocal modulation and lines like “While you pretend to be sick like Ferris Bueller / Grip Grand drop gems like a careless jeweler.” 

But it’s called Brokelore. This was a few months before the financial collapse; this was Oakland and San Francisco and the shadow of the early tech boom. Sometimes Grip and his Rec League comrades broach this with a light touch, cashing bad checks and skirting tax forms. (One of the album’s highlights is the remix of “Poppin’ Pockets,” where Grip and A.G. (!) rap joyously about having absolutely zero money.) Then there are the graver moments: “Out of Service” is a half-dreamed conversation with a factory worker who’s in limbo at a bus stop; it’s tearjerking but never treacly. “Tomorrow” is sorrowful. 

And then there’s “Love/Drama” which––this is not an exaggeration––is one of the most deeply felt rap songs I’ve ever heard. It’s structured as a letter back to a writer who ripped his last record, Welcome to Broakland. An artist responding to criticism looks defensive––and that’s the point. In the space of a few bars, the song unspools into a catalog of Grip’s deepest fears as an artist.

“My whole albums’s a jack: “Impeach the President?”  Yo, how done is that?  Tribute to early rap? DIY ethic?  No, a piss-poor producer—take my name off the credits.”

The song wraps up with a venomous couplet:“You’re so astute brah, every minute flaw, you heard it / Can’t wait to hear your album, it must be perfect.” But he’s not brushing off the critic. “Love/Drama” isn’t about brushing off a detractor, it’s about scratching and clawing and stretching $10 in groceries for a whole week, pouring yourself into a record only for it to be...fine. The kicker, then, is that Grip Grand internalized all of that and made a masterpiece. 

I say all that to say this: I don’t know if I would have found Brokelore today. Ten years after the fact, it’s ostensibly my job to find and write criticism of rap music, including obscure releases like this. But the economics of the media industry are strange: while it seems clear that people still want to discover new music, it’s difficult to get anybody to click on articles that present it. Music discovery has moved mostly to the curated playlists at streaming sites (so, radio) and there are fewer and fewer places willing to publish full-scale album reviews for artists who are untested or unsigned. I don’t spend enough time in pools. 

Of course, there are still massive communities of rap fans who dig for new material. But as it becomes more difficult to make a living covering it––and with the collapse of the blog world, which was invaluable for fans and artists in the mid- and late-2000s––there’s less time and attention given to smaller artists. Especially the kinds of time and attention that can be turned into money. (On that count, I physically recoil imagining how much bleaker the Bay Grip rendered on Brokelore has gotten.) 

The good news is that rap is in an exceptional place right now. There are vibrant underground scenes in cities across the country. In 2018, I’m resolving to take time, stay still, and appreciate rappers who would otherwise go uncovered. 

Notes/methodology: This list, obviously, includes both songs and albums. In most of the cases where either an album or a song from it could have made my top sixty, I chose whichever entry would rank higher, i.e.- I think “The Story of O.J.” is one of the ten best rap things from this year, while 4:44 as an album would rank a couple dozen spots lower. There are exceptions. “We Ball” would probably be among my top ten entries, but I wanted to give a nod to Meek Mill’s album because it hasn’t left rotation since it came out. Similar case with Boosie: “Webbie I Remember” could easily be in my top five, but BooPac should be on everyone’s radar, even if it’s ninety minutes. Slow down.

60. YG, “Pop It, Shake It” 59. Smooky MarGielaa, “Stay 100” 58. YBN Nahmir, “Rubbin Off The Paint” 57. Freddie Gibbs –– You Only Live 2wice 56. Muja Messiah & Roc Marciano –– Saran Wrap 55. Frosty Da Snowmann, “Oh My Gawd” 54. Wiki –– No Mountains in Manhattan 53. Greg Grease –– Down So Long 52. Chris $pencer, “Shark Wrestling” 51. Chief Keef, “Can You Be My Friend” 50. P.O.S –– chill, dummy 49. 2 Chainz –– Pretty Girls Like Trap Music 48. Young Dolph, “100 Shots” 47. Roc Marciano –– Rosebudd’s Revenge 46. Bbymutha, “Roses” 45. Sahbabii, “Pull Up wit ah Stick” 44. Nef the Pharaoh, “Bling Blaow” 43. J Hus –– Common Sense 42. 21 Savage –– Issa Album 41. Cardi B, “Bodak Yellow” 40. Deniro Farrar, “Can’t Touch Me” 39. Lor Jugg & Bandhunta Izzy, “Back At It” 38. G Herbo –– Humble Beast 37. billy woods, “Police Came To My Show” 36. French Montana, “Unforgettable” f/ Swae Lee 35. Rich Homie Quan –– Back to the Basics 34. Lil B –– Black Ken 33. Nipsey Hussle, “Rap Niggas” 32. A$AP Ferg, “Plain Jane” 31. Young Thug –– Beautiful Thugger Girls 30. Migos –– CULTURE 29. Playboi Carti, “Magnolia” 28. Why Khaliq –– The Mustard Seed 27. Snoop Dogg –– Neva Left 26. C Struggs, “Go to Jesus” 25. Lor Choc, “Fast Life” 24. RJ, “Blammer” 23. Tee Grizzley, “First Day Out” 22. OMB Peezy, “Lay Down” 21. Boosie –– BooPac 20. Meek Mill –– Wins & Losses 19. Kodak Black, “Patty Cake��� 18. Drakeo –– Cold Devil 17. Don Trip & Starlito –– Step Brothers THREE 16. milo –– who told you to think??!!?!?!?! 15. 03 Greedo –– Money Changes Everything; Purple Summer 03; First Night Out 14. DJ Quik & Problem –– Rosecrans 13. Nocando, “1998″ 12. Goldlink, “Crew” f/ Shy Glizzy & Brent Faiyaz 11. Mach-Hommy –– Haitian Body Odor 10. Lil Uzi Vert, “XO Tour Llif3″ 9. Jay-Z, “The Story of O.J.” 8. G Perico –– All Blue & 2 Tha Left 7. Kendrick Lamar –– DAMN. 6. Tay-K, “The Race” 5. NBA Youngboy, “No Smoke” 4. Future –– HNDRXX 3. Armand Hammer –– ROME 2. Creek Boyz, “With My Team” 1. Open Mike Eagle –– Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

[im0nwpa-blog]

Probably the Best Sex of My Life

Wow. Alright, about 4 months ago I got out of an almost 4 year relationship that was.... well bad. Both of us got out of control and it was mutually abusive (DRUGS ARE BAD). Anyway, it finally ends.

Now, I am pretty timid. It takes a while to open up to new people and I don't really do large gatherings. Unless it's something nerdy like Magic the Gathering night or a LAN party, because I am a) a nerd and b) kind of... lived more than the average comic book shop denizen. Without going too deeply into the way overthought philosophy I have created: I am a hedonist and pursue pleasure, and in order to know if something is pleasurable you have to do it, so if it is safe - or consequences acceptable - then I'm game to at least try. This isnt something I broadcast too heavily, but I do find myself frequently in interesting situations while pursuing pleasure with innately poor autonomy.

It was at one such gathering for MTG Night that I met a girl we'll call Tess about 5 years ago. Something about a combination of huggy bombs, this girl totally fitting my type, and boosted confidence because of the environment I made a total fool of myself because I am terrible as a "pickup artist" of any kind. I dont really know how I've gotten with most women I've been with, it always kind of just happens (or lets be realistic, I had drugs and/or money, low standards, and an addiction to sex).

To describe Tess, she is very thin and tone with small perky breasts, brunette hair, a constantly sing song voice, and an incredibly lovable personality. Very much so a rural, Christian girl who loves her kin and prays before bed, but stills gets down because there isnt much else to do and Jesus forgives. A innocence seemingly beautiful in its purity that I can never help but wanting to show the other side. At least I thought.

Obviously she me down that night, but was really cool about it. We remained friends and humg out/smoked pot from time to time. As our comfort grew, we both became more open about more personal aspects of our life. Mostly that Tess loved sex and had a diversity of partners. I think half of it was an attempt to get my ex gf to dump me. In retrospect it would have made my life easier but thats life: theres a low for every high.

Flash forward to about 2 months ago. Tess wants to fuck a guy with a strapon. She really liked fingering a guy, now she wants to fuck one. Uncharacteristically, I saw I'm down. Fresh out of a relationship, curious, so why not. We still havent ordered the strap, but I think Tiff kind of assumed I was joking.

It comes up a few times, but still no real plan or action. And then last night happened. I get a message around 9pm:

Tess> You should come pick me up at midnight.. we'll go hang out at your trailer for like an hour.

Im0> I can prolly swing that :p

Tess> Be here at midnight!

I picked Tess up from her gas station job. We both admitted we were nervous. I told her this was probably going to be embarassing as I hadn't been laid in a while.

I should note here that for a while I have called my friend Tess a slut. Because she is and that's awesome. If there's informed consent from all parties you do you homegirl, men don't get shamed so women shouldn't either: own that fucking word. We aren't entirely PC people.

We arrived at the trailer and smoked a J to calm down, and it was a little awkward at first, but very quickly we fell into a groove. I had wanted to do this for years. This woman, in my mind gorgeous. I may have had an trusive fantasy or two. All I can say is somehow the fantasy couldn't touch reality.

She laid down on the bed and I awkwardly started teasingly asking her questions running my hand up and down her petite frame as I began teasing and nibbling her neck. She immediately let out a little moan and pushed her hips into me. I teased her, asking if she had been fantasizing about this to which she replied with a coy maybe.

I lifted up her shirt a little and kissed around her tight stomach, making sure to gently graze her panty line. Slowly I pulled down her leggings and underwear another moan escaped her lips.

I let my hands run up and down her long tan legs.i continued my nibbling and kissing on her inner thigh. Her back arched and she tried to shove her pussy toward my face. I sat up, pulling away from her already very wet pussy.

I scooped her up to me and took off her shirt and kept up my assault of nibbles and kisses. She could stop grinding against my leg.

Tess likes dirty talk, I knew this from her stories. I have some experience as a switch. I played with her nipples while commenting on how she was even sexier than I imagined. Her reply was a moan and arching of the back.

"You really like it when I say you're a slut, huh?" Her moans and increased breathimg tell me she does. "You are so fucking wet. I could get you to do anything right now, couldn't I slut?" Among the moans I hear a distinct "MHMM".

I finally make one last teasing run from her neck down. I tried to touch every bit of skin with my lips and tongue. Finally all that is left is her clit. I gently swirled my tongue around it and took it into my mouth and ever so gently suckled. Instantly she was bucking and moaning, loudly! Looking up from between her legs, her dripping pussy soaking my chin, and she came. I suckled just a few seconds longer before sitting up:

"That was so fucking hot. You really are a slut, your pussy soaked my face."

Her response was to pull me down to her, begin sucking on my neck while wrapping her legs around me and wildly humping me.

"Do you want me inside you?"

She let out an exasperated "Yes!"

"Not yet!" I said with a grin. I pushed her hands down and again began sucking on her swolen clit. Teasingly I worked a finger inside of her pussy. Even as turned on as she was, she was very tight. I rubbed those little ridges that are on the "top" and sucked on her clit.

Now I fucking love giving orgasms, and like to think I am a quick study. This girl came so rapidly and so many times I can't really describe it. There was already a wet spot forming on the bed when I finally asked, "Well, wanna see if my dick really is thick, my slave."

She could barely manage a "Yes," in between moans.

"Then beg for my dick slave Tess. Tell me exactly where you want it."

I slipped off my shorts as she breathlessly begged for me to shove my dick into her slut pussy. After watching her buck and squirm and beg to my satisfaction I slowly slid my remarkably averagr cock into the tightest pussy I have ever felt. Every time she orgasmed, which was seemingly with every stroke, shed slam our hips together and shake as her pussy clamped down on my dick. Wel alternated myself on top, sitting, and her on top.

I was in awe of how sexy she was. When I let out a growl she immediately pulled me down on her and squeezed mh dick in her velvet vise.

"Do you like my growling?"

She couldnt halt the moans, but she could nod her head yes while it was buried in my shoulder. Her mouth biting hard trying to suppress one of those super loud moans.

"You can be as loud as you want here, slut. Its kind of cute how you sound like wounded prey, whimpering and breathing so fast."

I slid my hand up to her neck, not doing a blood choke but still firmly placed. I whispered in her ear, "You're my toy now," and let out long low growl and started fucking her hard and fast, slowly gripping the sides of her throat.

This is when something I've always wanted to happen did. She squirted. This has always been a kink of mine. I stopped dead and she kept bucking up, slamming me into her and just shrieking. I began to feel the signs of cumming so I stopped and pulled out. Her hips continued to buck hopelessly.

"Do you swallow, Tess?"

"I can," she replied breathlessly.

"Good," I said as I laid back, "I want you to suck all of your pussy juice off my dick slutslave."

She eagerly complied and toom my whole cock into her mouth. It hardly fit (small mouth) but somehow she managed to cause a ripling sensation along the whole thing. I made her look me in the eye while she sucked my dick.

I spun her around eager to taste her pussy again while she sucked my cock. I noted how her juices dripped from her pussy. I gently pushed against her mouth making my cock go just a little further down her throat and told her how her pussy was dripping. I took her clit into my mouth and buried my face into that warm, wet cave. She had been opened up by my dick, but her legs immediately began to shake. I suck on her clits while running my nails dowm her back and burying my nose in her pussy. My entire face was absoluter covered in her juices when she began to shake and squirted again all over my face.

She began working her tongue around the head of my dick and I experienced a sensation I never have before. The intense pleasure of orgasm with no ejaculation. She kept me in that wonderful state for what seemed like forever before climbing on top of me, looking me dead in the eye and desperately saying, "I need your cum. Now, please."

There was a look of true desperation in her eyes. We were both totally out of breath and covered in all manner of nodily fluids. She rode my dick like a woman possessed. Even now every 7 or 8 thrusts I'd feel that clamping and she'd shove my dick deeper into her to keep it from being forced out.

Now, I kind of have a creampie/preg risk fetish. Newly discovered in the last year. We had agreed I would pull out, but at this point she was just begging me to cum, so I asked where she wanted me to.

She responded breathlessly, "Anywhere." And begind grinding me faster and even harder. I was in ecstasy. She was bucking me so hard and screaming as she came over and over again.

"God I'd love to fill your tight littlr slave pussy with cum."

Another blast of wetness meant that she had just squirted at the thought of me filling her pussy with cum. She collapsed on top of me, totally exhausted.

"Let's get you a drink, and I want to bend you over the couch."

She got up in an almost mesmerized daze and walked the hall. I am reasonably certain this is when she hit subspace. She took a few drinks of water and without being told bent herself ovet the side of the couch.

"Do you really want me to fill you pussy with my cum?" I asked as I lifter her ass up and slide my dick back into her pussy. She whimpered and pushed me deeper into her.

Coming Next Part 2!

[hollygopossumlovesj2]

Dean Winchester’s Lyrics, Part 3

Characters: Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester

Warnings: Adult language, show level violence, depiction of death. Past is in italics.

Tagging: @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann, @daydreamingintheimpala, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyx, @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @jensen-gal, @theoneandonlysaucymo, @27bmm, @callmesatansprincess

Part 2

The few times Dean woke up during the few hours that Sam was gone you managed to get a few swallows of water into him. His temperature was staying at a steady 101.5, so it must've been a side effect of the curse rather than Dean getting sick.

Just sitting there watching him pulled heavily at your heart strings. Whether it was the tired, worn expression on his face even in sleep or the way his hair had dried plastered to his forehead in one place and fluffy in another. You weren't sure. But, soon enough, you couldn't take it anymore and dug out your laptop again

. You'd gotten 400 words into your essay before Dean sucked in a startled gasp. Then, as you watched helplessly, crimson spread like spilled juice from the center of his chest. His eyes landed on you, wide and frightened.

You didn't care if your laptop survived when you threw it off of your lap so that you could lean over Dean. You brushed his hair from his forehead and kissed his cheek. "It's okay, Dean. It's just a spell. You're okay..." His eyes rolled to white and his body arched like it'd been touched by a live wire before all energy deflated and he landed in a heavy lump on the bed. The only thing that told you he was alive was the subtle rise and fall of his chest.

You didn't pay attention to the blood when you curled into his side, your head tucked into his shoulder. Fuck, how many times had Dean gone through this alone? What had been the last straw? What had made him try to find you? You cried like you'd just lost him all over again. You cried because more than anything, you still loved this idiot. It killed you to see him like this.

You don't know how long you stayed like that. It wasn't long enough that Sam had returned but definitely long enough for you to ache because of it. But you really didn't stop until Dean's warm finger tips touched your face. He wiped away some of the moisture with his thumb before cupping your jaw.

"S'ok, s'jus a spell." His fractured smile sent more traitorous tears sliding down your face.

Dean was no longer that crazy teenager from your youth that you couldn't keep your eyes off of. Nor was he the broken man you'd tried to piece back together nearly 8 years ago. This Dean had been through everything and back. This Dean had managed to persevere despite it all.

Your watery excuse for a smile made his eyes crinkle in return. "There she is."

You rolled your eyes, but didn't move his hand from your face. It was work calloused and warm and probably the best thing you'd ever felt. "I called Sam, he's taking care of some loose ends. He should be back any minute."

His eyes became heavy, barely open when he nodded that he'd heard you. The spell was really taking its toll on him physically and you couldn't imagine what dying again, several times would do to someone's mental state.

"Stay..." He said it on a drawn out breath, his hand sliding from your face to rest against your chest. You had to bite back the joke you wanted to make about Dean gravitating towards your boobs even in sleep.

You watched him for a moment, studying the lines in his face that you knew so well. It warmed your heart and simultaneously broke it in two to know you'd finally broken through the last wall. That when Dean was distressed, he wanted you to stick around. There were not many people that Dean trusted to be strong enough for that.

It was getting close to 5 in the morning and you were seconds from getting up from your spot to call Sam when you heard the tell tale sounds of someone picking the lock. Instinctively, you reached beneath your pillow to grip the government issue bayonet you kept stashed there.

However, there was no real need to arm yourself because it was Sam who peeped around the doorway.

"Hey, how're things going?" Sam ventured further inside, speaking quietly. "Has he..?"

"Last one was the bullet to the chest. How many are left?" You weren't there every time Dean decided to sacrifice himself. You'd been completely cut off from them for the past two years. Anything could've happened.

Sam nodded, an ancient expression gracing his features and posture. "Just one more. Metatron stabs him with an angel blade. It'll be about 2 inches long. Metatron kicked his ass pretty solidly too."

No doubt Sam had intimate details of Dean's injuries. He was always the one to clean him up, even in death. Their relationship had always made you a little jealous. The way they communicated. The way they always had each other's back. You never got that close to your siblings. They were older and far too caught up in the hunting to pay attention to a little weakling like you.

It didn't bother you too much anymore. Sam and Dean had brought you into the fold when they found out you were hunting alone.  They had made you feel like one of them, like you really belonged with them.

"Anyhow..." Sam shifted uncomfortably, and it seemed like he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself. It dawned on you that you were still cuddled up with Dean, dried blood and tears on your cheek.

You sat up, carefully disentangling yourself, and shuffled past Sam. He eyed you curiously but didn't follow. But he nodded his thanks when you returned with a chair from your dinning room after using a wet wash cloth to clean your face.

"I guess there's no reason to disturb him to clean up, huh?" You asked before sitting down beside the bed and facing Sam, the carpet was soft beneath your fingers.

"Nah, we'll just let him sleep." Sam decided, resting his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. He was quiet for a while, the only background noise the sound of Dean softly snoring. It worried you that the spell was taking more and more out of him. "So, how has school been going?"

If he felt better with inane small talk while you waited for his brother to die, again, than that's what you were going to do. "Uh, well, it was a lot harder adjusting than I thought." You offered, the sheepish look on your face a product of the memory of the last big argument you'd had with Dean before you left.

"You know it's not going to be easy, right? You're gonna see shape shifters over your shoulder and vampires in all of your fellow students. And the nightmares aren't exactly gonna take a vacation, darlin'."

Dean had solid points, but you had already made up your mind and you weren't too great at hearing other people out. Once you committed to an idea, there was no swaying you. "I know, Dean. I don't care."

He sighed heavily, like he'd known exactly how you were going to respond. "Will you at least call us when you get there?" This modicum of actual care threw you for two seconds before you collected yourself again.

"Dean, I've got this, but you gotta let me go." You hadn't waited for him to respond, slamming the trunk closed on your newly acquired gas efficient Toyota Corolla and turned your back on ever hunting again.

"Don't come crawling back here when civilian life chews you up and spits you out!" He'd watched you pull away from the bunker garage, his arms crossed over his chest and a pinched look on his face.

Had you been especially proud of how you'd handled things? No. Did you need a fresh start for this to work? Absolutely.

It wasn't until you'd settled in your first, completely disgusting apartment, that you'd found a piece of paper at the bottom of your duffle that you knew you hadn't put there.

"Reach for the golden ring, reach for the sky! Baby, just spread your wings and get higher, higher. Straight up you'll climb! Higher, higher. Leave it all behind."

As much as it probably made you sound like a bit of a wuss, you had to admit at least to yourself, that you'd cried for an hour after that. Even if it was over a Van Halen song.

Sam smiled, his dimples popping deeply. "I've been there." He pat the top of you're head affectionately, "Doesn't look like you're doin' too badly for yourself. This place is a huge step up from your first apartment."

You returned with a wry smile, "You guys never left me alone, did you?"

"Well, as alone as you ever could be. You had to know Dean wouldn't let you come out here by yourself without checking the place over. He tried not to intervene as much as he could. He knew you'd be pissed if you ever found out."

"Actually, Dean and I weren't exactly on the best of terms when I left, so yeah, I thought I was alone." You suddenly found the texture of your carpet very intriguing.

Sam sighed, a long suffering brother sigh, "Dean's not exactly the most rational. He doesn't always make great decisions or find the right thing to say. But, Y/N, he's loyal and once you end up in his orbit... It's hard as hell to mess up enough to find your way out of it."

You nodded in agreement, you knew that about him, but you somehow found yourself thinking that it applied to everyone but you.

"You breathe a word of this to him and he'll kill me." He waited for you to look up from your intense study of the floor. "Dean's been a little stupid for you for a long time. Since you were just a pissy teenager with a long braid and a sawed off."

The thought of Dean at that age was a pleasant one. Sharp jaw, rosy cheeks, freckles and a death glare that over compensated for his long eye lashes and plump lips. He'd barely looked in your direction then. You found Sam's confession a little hard to believe.

"I'm pretty sure Dean resented the idea of me being around on any hunts back then. He hung out with my brothers and taunted me on the two hunts you guys helped with." Your relationship with your brothers were nothing like the way Sam and Dean were. It was probably because they had been so much older than you. Your dad preached firmly about not getting attached to anyone. Even your own family.

"Attachments to anyone or anything make you weak, Y/N. We have an obligation to rid the world of this evil, nothing else. The job is your life."

Your father had once said those words to you a couple of years after a wraith had taken your mother's life. He'd grown even more methodical, treating the rest his family with clinical precision and nothing more.

Sam smiled a warm smile, his gaze fixed on his brother's face behind you. "He's not as smooth as he might want other people to believe. And this is the truth..." His fingers on your chin lifted your gaze as he fixed his eyes on yours. 

"Dean was never really taught how to show anyone other than his family affection. Yeah, he had four years with Mom and Dad, but that's it."

You'd never really thought of it that way. Never really processed that his slap on the back after a successful hunt or pulling your pony tail randomly on the way back, was anything but a show of brotherly affection.

"So," he let go of your chin. "The result is that he treats you like his best friend on an elementary school playground." Sam huffed out another breath as his eyes traveled back to his brother's face with a fond expression. "He worried about you when you left. I knew he wasn't going to let it go until he saw you with his own eyes. That you were doing okay."

Sam slouched down in his chair but didn't take his eyes off of his brother. "Did you come too?" You prompted after he had stayed quiet for a little too long.

"No, we were neck deep in tablets back then. Dean had just taken on the Mark of Cain and was a little lost. He was back a lot earlier than he said he would be. So, I assumed that you guys had argued or something. He wouldn't tell me about it."

You tried to think of anything that could've offended Dean back then, but nothing came to mind. To be honest, everything about those first few months away from the Winchesters kind of blurred together. "I never saw him."

[djgodcalvinharris]

Them

Okay, Kristina didn't allow me to post the 5th chapter of Storm of Life, but instead she finished this one shot, as the Brits are just a couple of days away and I got inspired. I hope you like it. Enjoy it😘

It seemed as if he couldn't stand still, once he saw her on stage just a few feet away from him. Looking charmingly radiating, her voice made his heart tremble. A tight, black dress showing off her curves, And he couldn't stop looking at her, mesmerized just like the first time he laid his eyes on her, 2 years ago in the exact same city, same month, same event. Brits 2017 were being held at O2 Arena in London, as always, and he couldn't help himself getting captivated by numerous flashbacks that kept hitting him hard, one after another. Meeting her eyes, getting to know them, belonging to them. Moments he could never get over. 

All was said and done between them, and he was supposed to have moved on. He was expected to close the chapter on her, and turn the page. With no regrets or doubts tormenting his sleep at night. But, that's not the way it goes. Instead, he cried and blamed timing and differences and everything that made him hope it'd hurt a little less. Everything that would stop him from blaming himself. But, in the back of his head, a million of what if's were swirling around. What if he had let her in? What if he had put his fears aside? What if he had just asked her to stay? What if he had been a better man and fought for her more? He'd wonder but never got answers. And he had to learn to live with that tragedy.

After 8 months, it was supposed not to hurt just as bad as the moment he saw her walk away. And in fact, it didn't. Or maybe he just got used to the constant, consuming fire inside of him by the lack of answers, and by the absence of her.

Her. He had loved her. God, he loved in a way he never thought possible. So passionately, vividly...fiercely. He loved her like there was tomorrow, like her name was tattooed on his veins and like his cells would die whispering her name loud enough for the new ones being born to understand, he loved her. Losing her was ground shaking for him, but not unexpected. It didn't make his heart shatter any less when he heard those words coming out of her mouth though , echoing through the room,freezing everything inside of him. Seeing her into someone else's arms made him doubt his sanity, made him do things he regretted. Seeing her into someone else's arms made him feel powerless, for the first time in his life. His ego was shook, but he still loved her. Undoubtedly. 

Magic existed in their love, the energy they faced everything with. After her tour ended, she hoped one day she could let herself wrapped in his soul, putting her worries to rest, but deep down the realization that they wouldn't last the test, held her back. Because, there was so much more to learn. She hoped her heart would collide with his, fleeting their souls. Patience would fill the silence, and she desperately wanted to find that balance, of remaining loyal to her independence and learning to belong to someone. She wanted to honor her truths, but also have what she always desired, ever lasting love and passion that sets doubts on fire.

Their love was like hurricane; bold, reckless, dangerous, intense. And since they parted away, they had to learn to live and love the calmness and safety of soft breezes and drizzles. If one would ask if they felt happy that way, maybe they'd reply yes. There's something beautiful about stability. The fire burned too bright, destroying everything they were and had. And, they thought they had changed. He thought lightning cannot strike the same place twice, but seeing her again after months of barely even hearing her name, the undeniably fact hit him. Sometimes a bigger fire can be born from the ashes, stronger than before.

"And the British Single away goes to..." Rosie voice echoed through the arena, as Adam was sipping from his glass. He knew he'd never win, he had never won a Brit before and this year wouldn't make any difference. Still, the thought of him winning his first Brit from a song they made together would mean so much to him. At least something forever lasting was created by the mess of the love they made. 

She paused for a few seconds, then a sincere smile flushed through her face as she announced the winner "...to Calvin Harris and Rihanna for This is what you came for."

All eyes on him as a loud round of applause took over. Lights on him, Calvin Harris stood up tall and smiling. Looking around his table, his friends clapping and smiling at him, she was his first thought. That time she asked him if he believed in forever, and he replied he knew everything was temporary. Although, deep down he was hoping was his forever. She was now his inerasable past marking his future. 

Hugging Mark quick, he patted his shoulders and simply whispered "Do it." How did he know what was going through Adam's head? Calvin Harris had just won an award, could he be Adam on a stage where all eyes and ears are on him? 

Making his way to the stairs , there she was. Standing, and politely smiled at him. Rare were the times when Adam had won over Calvin in public but having her gaze melt into his after months, his heart spoke loudly and surely. Walking towards her, he could tell by her expression, she wasn't expecting it. Holding out his hand, being now face to face with the woman he had loved to madness, he whispered just for them to hear "Come with me on stage, I wouldn't have won this without you."

"Please, no. We both know I don't deserve to be there. It's your moment, you should ..."

"I don't have much time left. Please." his hand still hanging in the air, waiting for hers patiently. She looked at it. In her heart, there were no doubts. It was her head that was putting on the fight, but closing her eyes she gently put her hand above his. Instinctively, intertwining their fingers, he led their way up the stairs. She could feel her heart racing, as she gripped ever so softly. Almost as if she scared to break his hand, but felt safe when he tightened the grip. 

As he reached to Rosie, he went in for a friendly hug, before she handed him the award, they were forced to part their hands, she looked at him. He had changed so much since the last time she had had him this close. You could tell the maturity in his eyes, they were gentler. But, she could still see the fire in them. The right word, the right touch and she knew, it'd still be there. Her eyes fixated on his smile, she thought of how once she basically, almost, lived based on that of his. Like that sickeningly coffee she needed to have every morning to open her eyes and start her day. Absorbed by his presence, she found herself lost in his details for the millionth time. The curves of his lips, the creases on his hands, his clean, cut nails, how gently, yet firmly he would hold everything, his perfectly trimmed beard, his unfocused gaze looking out on a sea of people. As she was standing there, she thought of the time, right before she'd meet his gaze for the first time, Ellie had jokingly said "You'll fall in love with him". She had rolled her eyes back then, sarcastically answering "Yeah, and the water will set me on fire", but this time around, after everything that has been said and done between them, she found herself smiling. She had fallen in love that hard with him, she could swear, water, indeed, did burn her. 

As he received the award, leaning forward to the mic, she smiled. He was always too tall, always had to bend or squat if he wanted to be heard. Looking at the statue one last time, which seemed so small in his hands, he held a deep breath. "Well...wow. I was not expecting this. Genuinely talking. First, I would just like to say that I feel honored to have been nominated among great artists and incredible songs and have won this. Hmm, well I guess when it comes down to it, this happened because you guys liked it and supported the song so thank you. Means the world." he drew in a deeper breath "and hmm, I'd like to dedicate this award to 4 amazing women. my mum,i'd like to publicly apologize for not being the son you deserve. My sister, last year you said you were honored to be my sister, well let me tell you that by having you as my sister God has blessed me in so many ways. hm .. the third woman i'd like to thank is absolutely Rihanna, for not only making everything possible to record this song but for just being the outstanding artist she is.  And the last woman i'd like to thank is someone who made this record perfect.. - looking back at her, her mouth parted, he eyes teary. - ...thank you Taylor. and if you can, one day, please forgive me. - facing towards the crowd once more - once again, thank you.” 

She couldn't believe her ears, as her heart fell on her stomach, it was pointless to try and fight back the tears, as they flushed streaming down her cheeks. Her bottom lip shaking as he was there, right in front of her. The man of her broken dreams was vulnerably apologizing for the whole world to see. Trying to think of the countless times she prayed he'd choose her instead of his pride, she sobbed silently. She could see no one else in the room. For a brief moment, it was just him, as he pulled his strong arms gently around her, burying his face of the crock of her neck, breathing her in deeply as if for the past 8 months, his breath has been denied. And she gripped hard on his shoulders, with everything inside of her, everything that she felt slowly coming back to life. And she found questioning herself, how late is too late to rekindle an unfortunate love?

[tinymixtapes]

Live Blog: Morrissey

Morrissey Peabody Opera House; St. Louis [11-22-2017] by Adam Rothbarth on 12-15-2017 I‘m not going to start this review by proclaiming my love for Morrissey and The Smiths — caring about their music is something that can more or less be assumed of any 31-year-old music critic. If the music of Morrissey and The Smiths means a lot to you, then you have a pretty good idea of where I’m coming from. Recently, I went to see Morrissey at the Peabody Opera House in St. Louis. I’ve heard horror stories for years about Morrissey concerts — the cancelling, the despondency, the theatrics, the politics — but I’ve fantasized about seeing him for years, and when I heard he was coming to town, I made sure to seize the opportunity. I wish I hadn’t — it was probably the worst concert I’ve ever attended. The concert began at 8:30 PM with a series of punk, new wave, and Civil Rights-era music videos and speeches. Watching The Four Tops and The Ramones, I initially thought it was a neat idea to forgo an opening act in favor of a few videos that could grip and unite the audience in a unique way. Yet, as that project moved past the 30-minute marker, it began to lose its novelty (the t.A.T.u. cover of “How Soon Is Now” didn’t help), and I started to feel like I could be doing the same thing at home — never a good sign at a show. Portentous hints of bad mixing started seeping in, with the mids and highs being almost unbearably shrill during some videos. Naturally, I had forgotten to bring my earplugs, which I don’t always use, but like to have just in case; two hours later, with a torn-up napkin stuffed in my ears, I would vow to carry them with me every day for the rest of my life. Eventually, he came. His stage set-up wasn’t bad, a bare-bones, industrial club site with five supporting musicians and minimal props. But as the lights went down and the musicians powered up, it became apparent to me that something very bad was happening. Immediately, blinding lights and searing, aggressive strobes showered every inch of the venue with scalding waves of light. It became literally painful to look at the stage, as one of the permanently shining lights was aimed directly into my retinas, making me grateful for once to have a tall person seated in front of me. He was and remains an unknowing shield, a silent hero. Indeed, there is a light that never goes out — it’s part of Morrissey’s irresponsibly-handled scenography. You may witness its majesty in the photo above. As for the sound, it was absolutely deafening. Only seconds into his set, it became clear that this show was mixed for a Super Bowl halftime performance, not an opera house. The mids and highs became even more overpowering, blocking out the richness of Morrissey’s actual voice, which is literally the single reason that people go see a Morrissey concert. And rightly so — his voice is one of the most incredible instruments in the history of pop music. What a shame that it was so muddled, mixed directly into the center of a swampy explosion of electronics and guitars. I know Morrissey is not The Smiths and that no guitarist alive is Johnny Marr, but I nevertheless did find myself longing for the clarity, ingenuity, and joyous balance of their music. My life is peppered with abrasive rock, noise, and metal concerts, but Morrissey’s is probably the most aggressively loud show I’ve ever seen… and in the past month I’ve seen Swans and Bell Witch. I know it wasn’t the venue’s fault, because I’d previously seen Wilco and Sufjan Stevens there, and both shows were produced with the care and precision those artists deserve. That said, it certainly is the venue’s fault that its cheapest beer is a $9 bottle of Miller Lite, and it’s also its fault that the promise of the fourth-floor bar’s “Cash Only” sign was only fulfilled after a 20 minute search that involved no less than three employees having no idea where the machine was. Sure, my review is laced with truths that probably contributed to my experience: I’m getting old, my seats weren’t great, I forgot my earplugs, I didn’t bring cash. Somehow, I can’t imagine my experience having been any better if those things had gone down differently. Those four conditions have been true for numerous other concerts I’ve seen in the past few years, and many were still quite enjoyable. And for the record, I’m not the only Smiths-loving professional in town that has had a bad time seeing him. The setlist was OK. I want to say that it was cool to see him perform “How Soon Is Now,” but it wasn’t. The show was heavy on new songs, which is fine, but a number of them were prefaced by tepid, pseudo-political ramblings (“Free speech is dead!” and “I’m ashamed to be British!”). My friend and I chose to leave during “Meat Is Murder,” which was lackluster, and I later found out that we missed a (likely bemired) reading of “Shoplifters of the World Unite.” I’ve been to hundreds of concerts, but I’ve never left one because it was physically untenable for me to be there (I am a pretty tough guy when it comes to noise, light, and other caustic external conditions). It became very clear to me that night that a Morrissey concert seems to primarily exist for Morrissey, for him to bathe in adoration from fans, for him to reproduce his personality, for him to continue reliving the good old days. Throughout the night, I was painfully aware that I was simply there to enjoy the price of the ticket, to “see Morrissey,” and to “enjoy myself;” the flip side of this, of course, was seeing Morrissey enjoying a Morrissey concert. It’s true that both sides exist in all concerts, but the greatest performers always seem to obfuscate this dark essence, the cold, hard reality that the whole experience is just a function of the culture industry and its laws. Sure, there were people in the front row that got a handshake or a hug, and there were probably people on the ground floor that had a completely different audio-visual experience; sadly, it’s not my job to review the show from their point of view. If I hadn’t been in that seat, somebody else would have been. When more attention seems to be given to PETA kiosks, half-baked political one-liners, and overwhelming light shows than the comfort of the audience, it will likely always result in something less than grand for some who attend. When all was said and done that night, there was something deeply poetic about my friend’s invocation of the lyric, “Heaven knows I’m miserable now” as we headed to the stairwell mid-concert to leave, the sacred describing the profane. http://j.mp/2zee5Td

[cheetagon]

Another 100 questions thingy

1.Sunrise or sunset?  Both are fucking pretty

2.Are you mentally ill? Per definition, I am

3.Are you physically ill?  Not that I know of?

4.What is the most expensive thing you have bought?  Probably my current computer

5.Do you have a job?  NO IT'S FINE, RUB IT IN

6.Are you in school?  NOPE HAHA

7.Are you a dropout?  More or less?  I mean I've been to school for 10 years an graduated properly, but I was offered the chance to try my hands at the A-Levels so I did but couldn't even keep going past the first 6 months due to depression

8.Are you in college?  Used to

9.Introvert or extrovert?  Introvert

10.What do you think when you look at your body?   Ugh, disgusting.

11.What have others said when they look at your body?   Depends on who was looking at it.

12.Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply?   I need Love by Akira Yamaoka/Mary Elizabeth McGlynn

13.Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive?   Early 2012, I think it was. I don't know why or how it happened, but a series of days in a row I'd just get up in the morning and feel super good, for my standarts anyway.

14.Are you confident wearing a bikini?   Not entirely. I can wear the tops but usually wear bathing trunks to cover up my upper legs

15.Can you look people in the eyes while talking?   Not particularily well... But I've been getting better.

16.Has anything terrible happened to you?   Do you mean my life

17.Has anything wonderful happened to you?   My friends <3 And my kitty

18.Favorite part of your personality?   I'm snarky and sarcastic as fuck

19.Least favorite part of your personality?   Everything else

20.Favorite part of your body?   My hair

21.Least favorite part of your body?   Everything else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

22.Favorite quote?   "Decide to be fine till the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you’re alive and that’s your job. Then do it again the next week. I call it being professional. Do it right, with a smile, or don’t do it." ~Frank Devereaux

23.Do you have friendships with all genders?   Dude the gender spectrum on its own is nearly infinite so don't even go there

24.Do you have a good relationship with your father?   I guess

25.Do you have a good relationship with your mother?   I guess

26.Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?   As good as it can get :')

27.Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member?   Physically? Nah. Mentally? You betcha!

28.Have you ever had a near death experience?   ....I think. One time I went roller skating and let's just say I didn't pay much attention to what I was doing.

29.Do you know anyone who has taken their own life?   Technically, but I hardly remember anything about that person except that he was our landlord. And when he killed himself I was only 5 or 6 so, yeah.

30.Have you ever tried to take your own life?   -

31.Biggest lie you have told?   I told my mum I was out with my friend when I was actually out with my boyfriend, OOOOOO SNAP. I don't usually lie tho so I think that was the biggest one I ever dropped that wasn't an emergency lie. :U

32.Do you follow any conspiracies?   Conspiracies are interesting, but I don't follow any actively.

33.Do you believe in a New World Order?   shrugs

34.Do you respect your government and the way your country is run?   I think. I mean I couldn't do it any better if I was in charge, so lmao

35.Is there currently any strife in your country?   Don't think so??

36.Have you ever been displaced within your country?   No??

37.Are your friendships healthy?   Most of them are, yes. The ones that matter, anyway. <3

38.Are you currently fighting with a friend?   Nope!

39.Are you jealous of a friend? Why?   I am on a constant basis, but that's because I'm jelous of nearly everyone for one thing or another lmao

40.Do you believe in the Illuminati?   The Illuminati did infact exist. If you do mean the conspiracy Illuminati-Run-The-Government however, then no. (Everyone knows it's the Patriots who run everything anyway 👀)

41.Do you think any celebrities are associated with the Illuminati? Who?   See above

42.How can people tell you are nervous?   Not speaking much, tense face, intense gripping on stuff or keeping hands occupied, FOOT TAPPING

43.How can people tell you are sad?   I try my best not to show it, sooo better ask others

44.Do you ever express your true feelings?   To my friends, I do.

45.Regrets in your life?   Sure, a lot. But none I could name specificaly on the top of my head right now.

46.Achievements in your life?   *looking around nervously*

47.What did people say about you in school?   lmao fucking loser

48.What did you say about people in school?   Flithy peasants I hope all of you die in a fire you set off yourself

49.Is there something you have never told anyone?   Oh there are quite some things

50.Have you committed an illegal act?   What are you a cop or something

51.If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it?   Probably invite my friends to go on a shopping spree and give parts of it to my parents so they can pay off their dept

52.What were your aspirations at age 5, 10, 15, 18?   Age 5: I'll be an artist!   Age 10: I'll buy a shop to sell Sonic Merch in there! (go ahead, laugh at me)   Age 15: I'll be a famous person!   Age 18: I'll be in a fulfilling relationship some day!

53.Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined?   My bf didn't know how to kiss AT. ALL. Needless to say it was awful.

54.Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household?   Average I guess, tho my dad always went out of his way to afford gifts for me.

55.Are you from a broken marriage?   Nope!

56.Have you been raised by a solo parent?   Nope!

57.Do you know both your parents?   Yup

58.What colour eyes, hair and skin do you have?   Eyes: Green/Grey   Hair: Black/Red   Skin: The Whitest™

59.Have you abused drugs or alcohol?   Nope, done my best in the past 25 years to avoid any contact!

60.What languages can you speak?   English and German fluent, basic Italian and Spanish.

61.Do you conform to your societies standards?   ahahahahahahahahahahaha

62.Do you cry often?   I WANT to cry often.

63.Do you tell people what you think of them?   Depends on the person.

64.Are you comfortable accepting compliments?   Absolutely not, I am the worst when it comes to those.

65.Are you comfortable giving compliments?   Yes. TAKE MY LOVE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

66.Is any mental illness hindering your life?   Is the sky blue?

67.Is any physical illness hindering your life?   I have super super SUPER. Shaky muscles, the more precise the work I need to do, the more likely it is for me to fuck it up because WHOOPS one of my arm muscles decided contract instead of just standing still.

68.Do you keep up with current events?   I guess?

69.What’s the latest news in the world you have heard/read?   Trump insisting he is being treated unfairly lmao

70.What have you done today?   :')

71.Do you sleep well?   At the moment I do, thank god.

72.Do you sleep badly?   What even

73.Have you ever hurt anyone because you were hurting?   Yes.

74.Has anyone ever hurt you because they were hurting?   Yes.

75.Have you ever had to end a friendship/relationship? Why?   Not in the regular sense. I just stopped talking to or meeting that person and we grew apart.

76.Have you ever stopped someone from hurting themselves?   Don't think so

77.Has anyone ever stopped you from hurting yourself?   Nope

78.Do you like your laugh?   Got the diabolic laugh down quiite well at this point, so yeah, sometimes.

79.Are you preparing for an apocalypse? And what kind?   Hoarding Bottlecaps 👀

80.Do you have any funny family stories?   My mum walked straight into a glass door once and my dad took a picture of it at the exact moment lmao

81.Are you religious?   Not really, no. Tho I do like religion itself.

82.Do you like to watch true crime shows or movies?   If they're well executed, sure, why not.

83.Are you interested in cults?   Depends on the cult, but usually not

84.Would you like to raise a family in your country?   Since my country is pretty cool about pets, yeah sure why not 85.List some things you wanted in your childhood but never got?   Those stupid shoes that light up when you walk   Super Soaker water pistols   Slot Car Racing Track   A certain type of body wash because the bottles were FUCKING FIGURINES AND THEY LOOKED SO PRETTY I REALLY REALLY WANTED THEM   Animal Action Figures with joints that would bent properly   A shitload of computer games that didn't run on a Mac, which is what I grew up with

86.Is there a large age gap between you and a sibling?   Define large, I don't think 3 years is that much

87.Are you from a blended family?   I don't think so?

88.Do you believe in marriage? Why/Why not?   Shrugs

89.What is the nicest thing anyone has said to you?   "Since you don't have a patreon I'm just going to give you a 5€ pizza tip on paypal every month from now"

90.Do you keep a journal?   Nope.

91.Would anyone be hurt by reading it?   -

92.Do you have children?   Do Fur-Babies count?

93.Have you been pregnant?   Heck no

94.List your favorite movies?   Silent Hill and Scott Pilgrim vs. the world

95.List your favorite people?   My friends <3

96.Talk about the birthmarks and scars on your body?   I have a SHIT ton of birthmarks on my body and a few scars here an there. The most visible ones can be explained with one word: CAT.

97.Do you look after yourself?   Shrugs

98.Do you put yourself or others first?   Others. Always.

99.Are you happy today?   Eh.

100.Are you loved?    I think?