#the YEARNING within me is undescribable.

[drowzyscatterbrain]

I long to be by his side every day.

At day, I imagine with my little mind:

Would he shimmer while basking in the sunlight? What does his voice sounds like in different tones? And if I hold his hands, is it smooth or rough, warm or cold?

At night, I wish to see him each time I close my eyes:

I wish to dream of sharing moments with him, be it happy or sad. I wish to hug and kiss him to my heart's desire. I wish to comfort him at his lows. I'm not sure how, but I wish to be there for him.

But with dreams, it is a gamble with low chance to win. Luckily my wish was granted several times throughout the years.

I especially love the ones that I could feel him.

I felt his breath on my neck, his face pressing against my back, his hands touching my forehead, his arms wrapping tightly around me...and I felt him loving me as much as I love him.

I always ends up craving for more, moments after I truly woke up.

His touch, his kiss, his presence...

Call me greedy, but I want more. I want to feel them all again.

Good night, and here's hoping that I get a chance to have him with me tonight.

[mentally-a-slut]

Can I request "The problem is, if I kissed you, I don't think I'd be able to stop." For Gale with female reader please?

Ahhhhh tysm for requesting! You are my first request! Since you didn't give any specifics about the time frame, I just assumed you wanted it to take place within the events of the game, but it didn't really matter anyway. The reader is left undescribed, though it is implied that she is shorter than Gale. I hope I did your request justice, and let me know what you think!

Prompt: "The problem is, if I kissed you, I don't think I'd be able to stop."

Rating: E

Warnings: I got carried away and made "spicy" into straight up smut... oops? oral (f!receiving), porn with very little plot, smut

Flirting with Gale was a dangerous game. The back and forth we had going on had been constant, never pausing. I loved bantering with him, but the consistent pull back was beginning to kill me.

Harmless flirts with friends are fun, but I had made it abundantly clear to the wizard that it was more than just friendly banter. And as far as I'm concerned, he's been returning that same energy. And yet, every time we get past the line of flirtatious remarks and balance on the edge of action, he would completely pull away. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was afraid of intimacy.

At first I thought he just didn't like me that way, only wanted to banter with nothing coming of it. But something in the way his eyes glittered when he looked at me told me my attraction was not one sided.

When I went to the others for advice, they gave me jack shit. Astarion thought it was hilarious that I was asking him for romantic advice. I had to threaten to cut off his blood supply just to get him to quite yelling about it. Karlach just told me to "fuck it out," whatever that means. Shadowheart just kind of stared at me blankly. I didn't even bother asking Lae'zel, because I value my life. Wyll had good intentions, but he ended up rambling on about proper courtship methods and respectfully, I couldn't care less.

I had exhausted all of my options, which left me with the one thing I had been avoiding: talk to Gale about it.

It was a cool night, a nice change from the overwhelming heat that had layered over our group the last few nights. The day had been uneventful for once, little more than a few ambushes along the roads and some cackling hyenas. The mood around camp was significantly light than usual, everyone content with the lack of carnage.

I didn't give myself much time to rethink my actions, deciding to force myself into the conversation before I could chicken out.

Gale sat in his tent, reading a book with the doors pinned open for anyone to enter. He always stayed awake later than the others, often waiting until everyone else had closed their tents for the night to follow suit. He thought nobody noticed, but it was one of the many things that made me gravitate towards him. He was so naturally protective, unknowingly watching out for everyone.

As always, I took a moment to admire him before he noticed my presence. He looked so calm, contently scanning the pages of the tome in his hands. His everlasting yearning for knowledge was something I couldn't help but admire. I watched as his fingers curled under the parchment of the book and gently flipped the page, hands calloused from years of magical studies.

Gods, his hands that were so veiny and strong, rough but gentle, perfect to glide across my skin and make me shiver with-

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice, my thoughts that had previously consumed me dissipating. My face felt hot, blushing as if he was able to read my runaway thoughts. "Hi!"

I internally scolded myself for how not-smooth I was being. He carefully marked his place in the book before setting it aside, still seated in his chair as he looked up at me expectantly. His lips twitched into an amused smirk. Handsome bastard knows exactly what he does to me.

"Did you need something from me?"

I tilted my head at his question, blinking as my thoughts grew a mind of their own. I need you to kiss me until I can't breath. Touch me all over and make me shake with pleasure. I shook my head, gathering my thoughts before saying: "Just... wanted to talk to you about something."

He raised an eyebrow, an action that would have had me down on my knees if I had even just a tad bit less dignity. "Is it... a good something, or a bad something?"

My heart started racing in my chest, blood rushing in my ears. "Uhm... well, I suppose it depends. I think it's a good something, but, well, I can't speak for you..."

He stood from his seat, his movements quick but not aggressive. He always took care to control his actions, never making them seem offensive or startling. My eyes widened slightly when he reached behind me to unpin the tent flaps and let them fall closed, his frame slightly hovering over me for a moment as he did so.

His expression was open, concern and care written all over his face. "You can always talk to me. I'm here to listen."

Good gods I want to suck his dick until his brain explodes.

I cleared my throat and shifted nervously, looking up at him. "Right! So, I just... well, I was talking to the others about- actually that's not a good place to start, uhm..."

His amused smirk didn't go unnoticed. He had always liked when I got nervous, especially if he was the reason. "Take your time, darling."

Fucking Hells, he is trying to kill me.

I fought the urge to avert my gaze, forcing myself to keep eye contact. "Uhm, so, you know how we... well, obviously you know, but I mean- Fuck's sake, I mean to say, you know how we, like, flirt?"

His expression didn't falter, smirk growing into a knowing grin. He hummed an acknowledgement that sent vibration through my body, making my heart race even faster. His gaze flickered over my face, then quickly swept down my body, almost fast enough to miss.

"Well, I- Not that I don't like it, I love it! I- I mean, I don't want it to stop I just- Gods damnit, I just wanted to ask- shit... Why don't you just fucking kiss me already?!"

The silence that followed my stuttering words was overwhelming, blanketing over me and making me want to melt away into the earth to never be seen again. My embarrassment only worsened when I heard the slightest chuckle from the man in front of me. My heart dropped as every worst case scenario ran through my head.

He's going to laugh at me, tell me it was just for fun, that he would never want to be with me, he's going to make fun of me to everyone else-

"The problem is, if I kissed you, I don't think I would be able to stop."

I was suddenly aware of how hot it was in the close quarters of the canvas tent, and how Gale was only a few inches in front of me. I brought my eyes up to meet his, blinking rapidly as I tried to process what he just said. His stare held mine, a underlying air of vulnerability in his confession. With a shaky breath, I managed to utter out my response.

"Who said you had to stop?"

His lips crashed against mine within seconds of my hushed words, heated kiss melding our lips together. His hands, his gorgeous hands that I had spent weeks fantasizing about, were gripping my waist and pulling my body flush against his. My mouth moved in sync with his so naturally, so smoothly, that we could have been made for each other.

When I realized my hands were idle, I quickly remedied it and wrapped my arms around his neck. I didn't even notice I was tangling my fingers in his hair until I tugged lightly and was rewarded with a soft groan against my lips. The noise spurred me on, and I nipped at his lip lightly. Soon, our tongues were wildly clashing together, breathing heavy as involuntary sounds of pleasure were exchanged within the kiss.

I yelped when he suddenly lifted me off the ground, hands firmly gripping my ass as he held me. I held onto him, giggling into the kiss as he pressed against me. The stiffness of his arousal against my thigh was enough to make me shiver with anticipation, and he noticed.

He pulled away from my lips reluctantly, settling his forehead against mine. "As much as I want to do this," he glanced down at our positioning, my core level with his growing erection, "I want our first time to be something special."

I tried not to show my disappointment, silently nodding as I prepared myself to drop back onto the floor. As I loosened my thighs from his waist, I squeaked in surprise when his hands roughly squeezed my ass. "Ah ah, I didn't say I was doing to leave you wanting, did I?"

My cheeks reddened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh, Gale, you don't have to-"

"I want to. Trust me, I really, really want to."

His words were drawn out, almost a moan as he pleaded. His darkened eyes were practically begging. "I... If you're sure-"

He cut me off with a searing kiss, turning us around and laying me down on his bedroll. My whole body tingled with excitement as his body hovered over mine, lips desperately kissing down my neck. With the way he was panting as he nipped and kissed down my body, I could almost say he was more excited then me.

His stare was piercing as he looked up from my waist, silently asking for permission. I couldn't help but smile as his fingers grazed the waistband of my pants, impatiently fidgeting with the fabric. "Yes, please, Gale."

He all but tore them off, taking both my pants and underwear off in one go. His hot breath tickled my arousal, and I sighed as his hands lightly caressed the insides of my thighs. His touches were gentle, slow movements spreading open my legs and bearing my glistening entrance to him. I tilted my head up to look down at him, only to find his gaze transfixed between my legs. He practically whimpered his next words: "So fucking pretty for me."

I couldn't help but moan at his words, the heat of his breath ghosting over my clit. His eyes broke away for a moment to look at me, and he gave me a smile that made my heart swell before he dove in.

His beard rubbed against my thighs as his lips and tongue explored my cunt, the burn of his jaw emphasizing the blinding pleasure of his mouth. He moaned against me as he licked a long stripe along my folds, the teasing sensation sending a jolt of want through me. Before I could beg for more, his lips wrapped around my clit, sucking gently as he teased a finger at my entrance.

All coherent thought was left behind, all I could think about was Gale, Gale eating my pussy, moaning into me, rutting into the air as he pleasured me. "Fuck, Gale, please!"

He hummed against me, the vibration adding to the pleasure. He slipped a finger into my dripping hole, pulling his mouth away from my clit to look up at me. "Look at you, darling, so wet and ready for me."

I moaned as he pumped his finger, keeping eye contact with him. When he teased a second one, I couldn't stop my head from falling back with a moan. "Please!"

With a soft groan, he did as I asked. "As you wish."

The stretch of his second finger burned deliciously, his pace torturously slow. My walls pulsed around him, the softest parts of me jolting as he brushed against them. His thumb brushed against my clit as he quickened his pace. I reached out a shaky hand, tangling my fingers in his soft hair and tugging him forward.

He moaned at the tug, immediately replacing his thumb with his mouth. My back arched off the bedroll as he sucked harshly, his fingers brushing against all the right spots. He teased another finger, and my grip in his hair harshened. It must have encouraged him, because he soon plunged a third finger inside of me and relentlessly flicked his tongue over my clit as he finger fucked me.

My thighs began to constrict around him, orgasm fast approaching. He groaned against my cunt, gripping my thighs open and speeding up. "Fuck, I'm close!"

Another hum against me had my walls pulsating, orgasm crashing through me as he coaxed me down with his tongue sending overwhelming jolts of pleasure through me.

He gently removed his fingers, caressing my thigh as he swept his tongue through my folds, gathering my arousal. His gentle movements soothed me through the slight overstimulation as he cleaned me up with his tongue. My vision was unfocused, aftershocks still rolling through my body as he finally pulled away, slowly kissing up my body before planting a sweet kiss on my lips. I chased his kiss as he pulled back, and he chuckled as I pouted. "You did so well for me, love."

I whined at his words, desperately clawing him towards me and pulling him into a slow, sensual kiss. His clothed erection prodded my bare thigh, and he groaned when I shifted against it. "Don't tease me, darling."

I smiled up at him, tilting my head. "Is that a threat?"

He gave an amused hum against the skin of my neck, speaking between soft kisses. His words were teasing, yet heavy with intention.

"It's a promise."

[accursedsword]

❄️💧

Muse speaking of the Author

Did the mun ever force you to do something you didn’t want to do?

“Where do I begin? Forced to tolerate the likes of mortals probing personal, ancient history that does not concern them. Relive the insufferable existence that it is to be mortal again. Oh, and be trapped within my damned weapon for any amount of time.”

How often do you annoy the mun? And with what?

“For so long I have craved the sensation of standing over a battlefield swamped in the blood of the fallen. Bathed in that carnage I yearn to be reborn into my former glory, to have My Aspect returned. However, I am treated as a joke by this author. They hold no respect for what I am. Who I am! They will not release me from my suffering and torment although I know, I Know they have such power. All I wish is to be my true self, one last time.

... But, until they figure out how to ‘design the undescribable’ they refuse to give me such bliss.”

[jyungar]

Between Layla and Lilith

“For R. Hanina b. Papa made the following exposition: The name of the angel who is in charge of conception is (Layla)’Night', and it takes up a drop and places it in the presence of the Holy One, blessed be He, saying, 'Sovereign of the universe, what shall be the fate of this drop? Shall it produce a strong man or a weak man, a wise man or a fool, a rich man or a poor man?”

Talmud, Niddah 16b

In my mother’s womb I “learned” of her travails, felt her anguish, She (as Layla) “taught” me everything she had suffered, I could even see  מסוף עולם עד סוף עולם From that lamp she placed on my head (which explains my infant frowns in all those black and white fotos) Having seen too much (in utero).

And this childhood existential fear and nocturnal panics, Begging my father at bedtime “please leave the door open a sliver to allow just a little light”   for fear of those demons of the night even through to teenage. The sensing of death even then, reflecting a (hitherto undescribed) epigenetic haunting from my survivor dad.

Layla had introduced me to the devotional arts and spiritual feelings as I was moved by the starry summer night (by the Brook near Holders Hill Road) the immensity of the myriad lights in the heaven and my sense of insignificance before this infinity. Or introduced me (thank you Mrs Lunzer)  to the oceanic feeling that comes from music. (the Brandenburgs at 14).

But adolescence brought a different angel (Lillith) to my door, Driving my lust for bodily cravings, triggered by specific images. Walking up Hendon Avenue to Finchley lane to catch the 240 double-decker bus, Seeing in the stationer’s shop window magazines with covers of lewd pictures, for schoolboys like me (and dirty old men), their beckoning looks as if paradise was to be found within its pages. Visiting Uncle Emil (Dachau survivor) who kept naughty magazines under the cushion of his lounge chair, secretly sharing them with me when we were alone, or my older cousin Jeanette who toyed with me, leaving images of her cleavage to taunt me at night.

Caught between these two angels but not realizing anything more than my being torn between the religious fervor and lustful guilt, the struggle to live a single life without this see-saw emotional cost, began.

Later, much later, after the white knuckling and Mussar, the attempts to conquer the evil inclination failed, and the “schizofrumkeit” founded on this duality: attracted to the divine, the devotions, the praxis, the study and prayer, the pilgrimages to קברי צדיקים, the Apollonian vision, Even the crushes of platonic love for the ideal (Sargon) women, allured by their purity and innocence, Yet simultaneously or soon after, triggered by a female image, too much skin or a gesture, a feeling of being real in the body, feeling the skin tingle and the heart pulsate and the loins heat up, as passion and lust arose in this Dionysian phase, courtesy of Lillith, followed by the inevitable crushing guilt that only adolescents can describe fully.

It was much later that in discovering the feminine divine in the notion of a living Schechina and seeing Schechina consciousness as a deeper sensitivity to the hidden aspects of the mysteries of Torah, did I find these two aspects of Her as manifest in our two angels. My connection to Schechina led me to these two archetypes of the virgin goddess and the whore, Layla and Lillith, both of whom I had, in effect, been worshipping all along. They represented Her light and dark elements and needed attention and devotion. I sensed an enormous relief from this discovery without any suggestion that I was finding an excuse for bad behavior. It was not an ethical decision, rather I felt that I was being shaped by these two archetypes unconsciously, before I even knew what these feelings meant.

She provided relief giving expression to my deepest yearnings to return to my cosmic mother without regressing to infantile or pathological behaviors. The oceanic feelings from both the body in passion as well as spirit in music and poetry fed from the same deep well באר של מרים. She demanded devotion and suffered rage Herself at times, (at times genocidal) when dis-connected from her consort- driving me insane all the while, with her suffering reflected in my addictions to the flesh.

Worshipping at her altar I could finally find relief in validating the split within me, Layla and Lillith reflecting Her split Self, and through them I was being taught the need for integrating both archetypes within my soul.

And in my grief for the loss of my temporal mother, I have lost much more than my earthly mother, more than her overpowering presence in my life, forcing me to achieve evermore for her sake and never allowing myself the luxury of resting, for fear of wasting a moment, more than this demanding paradoxical woman who made even more demands on herself until the end, who drove me as a needy child with her conditional love, her irrational rage, and her superhuman demand for excellence and self-improvement.

I realize that I am bereft of the very incarnation of the Schechina in my mother, the only bodily presence of Her, kissing me in the end, holding my hand, and asking when will I return to visit before I had even left. I am bereft of my Layla (for who else held me in her womb teaching me if not my mother?) Who promised me just before birth she would revisit me before I left this world to see whether I had followed her advice in living a good life, a worthy life, and ethical life, and bereft of my Lillith who drove me crazy when younger to experience her nocturnal pleasures (succubus) and fantasies.

In my grief I must now learn to internalize her once physical presence, her kiss and her touch, her long slender violin fingers, her dark sephardic (Sargon) beauty, re-membering in the heart only the way Schechina was incarnated in her so fully, and how she is now free from the earthly body of pain, aging, fractures, dyspnea, transfusions and final illness.

We are given limited time (which accelerates with age) on earth in this incarnation, and I am puzzled why we learn often too late. Why it takes decades to gain wisdom, understanding and experience in living, parenting, mentoring, doctoring, only to leave it to the next generation to begin all over again.

And now I must learn something new, to bring all this into the heart of pain and loss, without her/Her to welcome me again, her arms outstretched, her cheek so soft, few wrinkles, her hand holding mine, with no earthly manifestation of Layla/Lillith to guide me, in my heart and loins, the dance between Apollo and Dionysius.

I am saying the mourner’s kaddish for Mum, for my lost soul and for the Schechina herself, who has lost a (Sargon) princess, who bore me and provided me these two angels who would guide me for better and for worse.

“When the time arrives for man to quit this world, the same angel appears and asks him, "Dost thou recognize me?" And man replies, "Yes; but why dost thou come to me to-day, and thou didst come on no other day?" The angel says, "To take thee away from the world, for the time of thy departure has arrived." Then man falls to weeping, and his voice penetrates to all ends of the world, yet no creature hears his voice, except the cock alone. Man remonstrates with the angel, "From two worlds thou didst take me, and into this world thou didst bring me." But the angel reminds him: "Did I not tell thee that thou wert formed against thy will, and thou wouldst be born against thy will, and against thy will thou wouldst die? And against thy will thou wilt have to give account and reckoning of thyself before the Holy One, blessed be He.”

[shaneestumbler]

This Year's Cake: How's That For the Icing On the Birthday Cake?

When I look back and saw all that I gave even when I had so, so little to a person who did not care or appreciate my efforts- I was never good enough- it makes me wonder how I’d be with someone who reciprocated. One day when I have more than so little to give to someone who cares, how special would that be? To love someone who also loved me… Since I had so much to give even when I had nothing, giving my all was just the standard. I wondered how much more and how much more beautiful and lovely it would be to have someone who loves, cares, and appreciates me. I know that what little I had was not enough for you- it was never good enough- but it makes me yearn for something better, more loving and true. For a true love, happily I will wait as I could never anticipate another sustained abuse pro-bono service relationship that added me up to nothing, hardly adequate, and not good enough to be loved causing much more damage than good. So unbearable was I to you that all the love I gave you- you reproved, you even had proof; my painful scars and unhealed wounds. The testimony of my heart you used to prove just how unlovable I was, especially to you. Everyone I ever loved and surely you were no exception all had a mouthful of cruelty to spew and batter me with word’s weapons. I cannot say they didn’t hurt as words are one’s best weapon, they conquer and destroy a man to teach him kind of love’s best lesson. You beat me. I hope you are happy that you win. You beat me hard and you beat me down, and down I went without a sound. I know too well what it feels like going down without a fight to go down without a fight and have nothing to show but a losing plight and as I’m down on the ground grasping for my last ounce of dignity and gasping for my last breath of self respect you show for me no remorse and for any ounce or last desperate breath another dagger you would dig it even deeper in my chest. You sure showed me that I was not good enough and certainly not meant to be roughed up, though you blame me for the battery and abuse I do recognize that you just need an excuse. Beaten to a bloody pulp and left for nearly dead were the reasons you gave for an apology that is still left unsaid. You used the bruises and the physical violence to make me suffer into subservience and silence. Physical violence and domestic abuse are all the examples you used as reproof to reprove all that I am, all of the love, and all of everything that I had to give. You sure showed me what you thought I’d deserve as you exclaimed what I should expect as for what you had in store, you sure showed me that you really had it out for me. The unimaginable and unbearable pain you inflicted upon me to use such excrutiating examples of physical abuse, obediently standing there face-to-face I looked at you with love in my eyes and a smile on my face, to stand I stood and I took more, and endured even more torment in the torrent of another argument, another one of your emotionally battering upheavals; to suffer through the undescribable pain of another hurtful tirade; not far from what they call “emotional rape”. Such a low blow ever did you strike, you took your best shot and you got me real good, but to make sure you didn’t miss your shot with a bullet deadset on me two wasn’t enough so you went for round three. It was not the first strike you took out on me, and harder with a vengeance they came more frequently, it seemed as though the job would never be done when all I asked was for an apology. But how dare I have the audacity to expect a long past due apology. Not able to comprehend is the one who condescends to throw me under the bus is where you had to go and throw me again for such a suggestion. Belittling, berating, condescending, comparing and degrating me with dead-end arguments that never went anywhere, you had to show me that you owe me nothing. So maybe I had to learn the hard way but learn very well I did indeed the difference between what you said and did to me. This is how I came to know your love, and just how much I meant to you. Though the world was everything that you meant to me and everything is all I ever had to give so freely for all of the love given not only was it left unrequitted but you admitted I deserved the acts of physical violence and used them against me to justify another excuse for your unrelenting verbal abuse. As if to say, well everybody beats you up and even your own mom abused you see, it’s because you deserve it. Why else would you be subjected to physical violence and domestic abuse. See, you deserve it and there is the proof. Unimaginable and unbearable was the pain I suffered through from those kind of remarks. After a while and the sooner you realize that the person is a bully the better so you can distance yourself, ignore, and try your very very best not to let them get to you anymore. From that I did learn that the worst things can happen to even the best people. The day I decided to walk away was one of the happiest days of my life. From the outside it may not have looked so pretty. I broke up with him the day before my birthday because I want this year to be one of the best years of my life and my relationship was not going to get any better than that. For all the smiles I had to muster and for trying as hard as I could with every fiber in my body to not let it hurt an ache inside of me so painful that no words could ever shake the raw tenderness of the bloodshed of my 10 times over battered black and blue broken heart that was pulled out of my chest only to be stamped on all over again and again and again through the verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse with every fiber of my body, mind, and, soul did it take me to withstand it quietly as I smiled and nodded my head as if he was doing me some great service. For all the things I did not and could not say for the past 10 months at the brunt of such massive displays of disrespect and cruelty I saved it for my one liner in which I told him that “all I want for my Birthday is for you to get the fuck out of my life!!! For once and for all!!!” (In a text message). So I believe I take the cake this year, it would only be fair considering it was all I wanted for my birthday. As for my wish, I only wish to help others in situations similar to mine that may not be able to escape the silent prison that emotional/psychological abuse is. I got to celebrate my birthday in my own way, happy as could be to be able to live my life free from abuse of any kind. I cannot express the gratitude within my heart that is bursting with thankfulness to be free of that. I see how close I came to not being so lucky as that was just the very beginning and who knows how bad it would have gotten? He said the arguing would stop. I believed him. He said he would change. I believed him. But after 10 months the arguing did NOT stop. Every week I had to ask myself WHY I BELIEVED HIM, AGAIN. I wanted to believe him when he said he would change and told me the arguments would stop. But LITERALLY EVERY WEEK after hearing the same thing, no longer could I hold on to hope. The fighting WAS NEVER OKAY. WE FOUGHT TOO MUCH. IT WAS A PROBLEM (for me). THE PROBLEM WITH HIM IS THAT HE SAW NO PROBLEM. He really thinks it’s okay to treat me that way. It is absolutely NOT okay and under no circustances is it acceptable to willfully cause someone pain and suffering. UNACCEPTABLE. Further, for him to use the physical violence I suffered as an excuse for his verbal abuse is just maddening and mind-blowing. So it was just a thought I had when I finally broke free and started feeling like myself again to open up a hug center and offer hugs to people regardless of what they are going through like free hugs for everyone. I like really needed a hug after that. No one deserves to be treated like that- treated without love or respect. He still has excuses, blame, and no good reason for treating me like shit. So I am happy to have begun a new year of my life free from abuse of any kind and wish to help others that are in or have been in situations similar to mine. The main thing to remember is that people like him NEVER CHANGE. After beating the same dead horse for 10 months with those dead-end arguments and on a weekly basis feeling exhausted, physically spent, emotionally and mentally drained from the psychological warfare of that kind of abuse, it was high time to realize that he was NOT going to change. It may sound sad but it is not. The day I broke free was one of the happiest days of my life, what would have been sad would have been if I didn’t. The worse he got the more I showered him with adoration, basically bowing down to worship the ground he walked on. I have honestly felt that his blatant outward display of disrespect may have made a person who overheard FLINCH. The bottom line is I asked him to stop slapping my ass so hard, and not in public, he did it over and over and over and when I asked him not to do it Again he started getting aggressive. I thought it was a joke at first and wanted to laugh when he said, “woman you listen to me” but he did not mean it to be funny, scary enough, he was dead serious. So I had no other choice but to shutup and take it. I kept my mouth shut, my ears stretched, treated him like the king he thought he was and waited until the coast was clear to break free. I cannot express how grateful and thankful I am to be able to have hopefully gotten away. It was time for me to cut my losses and move on, clearly. As was once written by Voltaire, “one must cultivate one’s garden” what this means is that like a flower, in order to grow needs sunshine and water. When we are in toxic relationships they are like weeds overgrowing in a garden stealing the water from the flowers and stifling their growth. Once the weeds, or toxic relationships in this case are removed then the flowers, or in this case the person will flourish. I definitely feel like the sunshine came back into my life and have been happy to be a source of nurture, love, care and nourishment for myself. A relationship should be a well of nourishment, love, care and nurture leaving us feeling rejuvenated and full of life. When the opposite happens and instead we feel drained and exhausted more regularly than not, it would be a really good time to reevaluate the relationship and perhaps realize that we have to weed out the bad to make room for all the good. To top it off, after calling me a "STUPID B*TCH!!!!!!" The following morning he wished me a Happy White Trash Birthday first thing. He then left for Mexico for a week, but before he left I told him I needed $5 to eat. He had borrowed some money from me so I asked if he could pay me back. I have NEVER asked him for money before because I did not need to. He said when he got back he would send a check. He left me in emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial ruin. If I was not able to cash in my change at the CoinStar, I do not know what I would have done to get groceries. It has been confirmed a billion times over how much he does not give a f*ck. There is nothing that could be said to undo those hateful actions. I, myself, say things I don't mean. Who doesn't? But NEVER have my actions SHOWN such a blatant display of HATRED. He does. He contradicts himself. His words mean nothing. His actions say it all. I couldn't care less what he thinks, or how he feels. I am just stoked I don't have to tiptoe around him anymore not knowing what will set him off next. HE HAS SHOWN HIS DISDAIN FOR ME TOO, TOO, TOO WAY TOO MANY TIMES. So whatever it is that may be robbing you of the life you want to live and the life you deserve you must weed it out in order to grow. I wish to be a radiant, beautiful and happy flower that can grow and bloom to my full potential without anymore weeds. Maybe I will open up a hug center some day and maybe I will not, but hugs are great. I love hugs and who wouldn’t need one after that? Xxoo much love to errrbody out there. Peace Love and Happiness to everyone. Give someone you know today a hug. And let people in your life know how special they are. K. Thank you for reading. I survived!!!Please don’t be shy, hit me up anytime!