#wordsmeantforyou

[shaneestumbler]

This Year's Cake: How's That For the Icing On the Birthday Cake?

When I look back and saw all that I gave even when I had so, so little to a person who did not care or appreciate my efforts- I was never good enough- it makes me wonder how I’d be with someone who reciprocated. One day when I have more than so little to give to someone who cares, how special would that be? To love someone who also loved me… Since I had so much to give even when I had nothing, giving my all was just the standard. I wondered how much more and how much more beautiful and lovely it would be to have someone who loves, cares, and appreciates me. I know that what little I had was not enough for you- it was never good enough- but it makes me yearn for something better, more loving and true. For a true love, happily I will wait as I could never anticipate another sustained abuse pro-bono service relationship that added me up to nothing, hardly adequate, and not good enough to be loved causing much more damage than good. So unbearable was I to you that all the love I gave you- you reproved, you even had proof; my painful scars and unhealed wounds. The testimony of my heart you used to prove just how unlovable I was, especially to you. Everyone I ever loved and surely you were no exception all had a mouthful of cruelty to spew and batter me with word’s weapons. I cannot say they didn’t hurt as words are one’s best weapon, they conquer and destroy a man to teach him kind of love’s best lesson. You beat me. I hope you are happy that you win. You beat me hard and you beat me down, and down I went without a sound. I know too well what it feels like going down without a fight to go down without a fight and have nothing to show but a losing plight and as I’m down on the ground grasping for my last ounce of dignity and gasping for my last breath of self respect you show for me no remorse and for any ounce or last desperate breath another dagger you would dig it even deeper in my chest. You sure showed me that I was not good enough and certainly not meant to be roughed up, though you blame me for the battery and abuse I do recognize that you just need an excuse. Beaten to a bloody pulp and left for nearly dead were the reasons you gave for an apology that is still left unsaid. You used the bruises and the physical violence to make me suffer into subservience and silence. Physical violence and domestic abuse are all the examples you used as reproof to reprove all that I am, all of the love, and all of everything that I had to give. You sure showed me what you thought I’d deserve as you exclaimed what I should expect as for what you had in store, you sure showed me that you really had it out for me. The unimaginable and unbearable pain you inflicted upon me to use such excrutiating examples of physical abuse, obediently standing there face-to-face I looked at you with love in my eyes and a smile on my face, to stand I stood and I took more, and endured even more torment in the torrent of another argument, another one of your emotionally battering upheavals; to suffer through the undescribable pain of another hurtful tirade; not far from what they call “emotional rape”. Such a low blow ever did you strike, you took your best shot and you got me real good, but to make sure you didn’t miss your shot with a bullet deadset on me two wasn’t enough so you went for round three. It was not the first strike you took out on me, and harder with a vengeance they came more frequently, it seemed as though the job would never be done when all I asked was for an apology. But how dare I have the audacity to expect a long past due apology. Not able to comprehend is the one who condescends to throw me under the bus is where you had to go and throw me again for such a suggestion. Belittling, berating, condescending, comparing and degrating me with dead-end arguments that never went anywhere, you had to show me that you owe me nothing. So maybe I had to learn the hard way but learn very well I did indeed the difference between what you said and did to me. This is how I came to know your love, and just how much I meant to you. Though the world was everything that you meant to me and everything is all I ever had to give so freely for all of the love given not only was it left unrequitted but you admitted I deserved the acts of physical violence and used them against me to justify another excuse for your unrelenting verbal abuse. As if to say, well everybody beats you up and even your own mom abused you see, it’s because you deserve it. Why else would you be subjected to physical violence and domestic abuse. See, you deserve it and there is the proof. Unimaginable and unbearable was the pain I suffered through from those kind of remarks. After a while and the sooner you realize that the person is a bully the better so you can distance yourself, ignore, and try your very very best not to let them get to you anymore. From that I did learn that the worst things can happen to even the best people. The day I decided to walk away was one of the happiest days of my life. From the outside it may not have looked so pretty. I broke up with him the day before my birthday because I want this year to be one of the best years of my life and my relationship was not going to get any better than that. For all the smiles I had to muster and for trying as hard as I could with every fiber in my body to not let it hurt an ache inside of me so painful that no words could ever shake the raw tenderness of the bloodshed of my 10 times over battered black and blue broken heart that was pulled out of my chest only to be stamped on all over again and again and again through the verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse with every fiber of my body, mind, and, soul did it take me to withstand it quietly as I smiled and nodded my head as if he was doing me some great service. For all the things I did not and could not say for the past 10 months at the brunt of such massive displays of disrespect and cruelty I saved it for my one liner in which I told him that “all I want for my Birthday is for you to get the fuck out of my life!!! For once and for all!!!” (In a text message). So I believe I take the cake this year, it would only be fair considering it was all I wanted for my birthday. As for my wish, I only wish to help others in situations similar to mine that may not be able to escape the silent prison that emotional/psychological abuse is. I got to celebrate my birthday in my own way, happy as could be to be able to live my life free from abuse of any kind. I cannot express the gratitude within my heart that is bursting with thankfulness to be free of that. I see how close I came to not being so lucky as that was just the very beginning and who knows how bad it would have gotten? He said the arguing would stop. I believed him. He said he would change. I believed him. But after 10 months the arguing did NOT stop. Every week I had to ask myself WHY I BELIEVED HIM, AGAIN. I wanted to believe him when he said he would change and told me the arguments would stop. But LITERALLY EVERY WEEK after hearing the same thing, no longer could I hold on to hope. The fighting WAS NEVER OKAY. WE FOUGHT TOO MUCH. IT WAS A PROBLEM (for me). THE PROBLEM WITH HIM IS THAT HE SAW NO PROBLEM. He really thinks it’s okay to treat me that way. It is absolutely NOT okay and under no circustances is it acceptable to willfully cause someone pain and suffering. UNACCEPTABLE. Further, for him to use the physical violence I suffered as an excuse for his verbal abuse is just maddening and mind-blowing. So it was just a thought I had when I finally broke free and started feeling like myself again to open up a hug center and offer hugs to people regardless of what they are going through like free hugs for everyone. I like really needed a hug after that. No one deserves to be treated like that- treated without love or respect. He still has excuses, blame, and no good reason for treating me like shit. So I am happy to have begun a new year of my life free from abuse of any kind and wish to help others that are in or have been in situations similar to mine. The main thing to remember is that people like him NEVER CHANGE. After beating the same dead horse for 10 months with those dead-end arguments and on a weekly basis feeling exhausted, physically spent, emotionally and mentally drained from the psychological warfare of that kind of abuse, it was high time to realize that he was NOT going to change. It may sound sad but it is not. The day I broke free was one of the happiest days of my life, what would have been sad would have been if I didn’t. The worse he got the more I showered him with adoration, basically bowing down to worship the ground he walked on. I have honestly felt that his blatant outward display of disrespect may have made a person who overheard FLINCH. The bottom line is I asked him to stop slapping my ass so hard, and not in public, he did it over and over and over and when I asked him not to do it Again he started getting aggressive. I thought it was a joke at first and wanted to laugh when he said, “woman you listen to me��� but he did not mean it to be funny, scary enough, he was dead serious. So I had no other choice but to shutup and take it. I kept my mouth shut, my ears stretched, treated him like the king he thought he was and waited until the coast was clear to break free. I cannot express how grateful and thankful I am to be able to have hopefully gotten away. It was time for me to cut my losses and move on, clearly. As was once written by Voltaire, “one must cultivate one’s garden” what this means is that like a flower, in order to grow needs sunshine and water. When we are in toxic relationships they are like weeds overgrowing in a garden stealing the water from the flowers and stifling their growth. Once the weeds, or toxic relationships in this case are removed then the flowers, or in this case the person will flourish. I definitely feel like the sunshine came back into my life and have been happy to be a source of nurture, love, care and nourishment for myself. A relationship should be a well of nourishment, love, care and nurture leaving us feeling rejuvenated and full of life. When the opposite happens and instead we feel drained and exhausted more regularly than not, it would be a really good time to reevaluate the relationship and perhaps realize that we have to weed out the bad to make room for all the good. To top it off, after calling me a "STUPID B*TCH!!!!!!" The following morning he wished me a Happy White Trash Birthday first thing. He then left for Mexico for a week, but before he left I told him I needed $5 to eat. He had borrowed some money from me so I asked if he could pay me back. I have NEVER asked him for money before because I did not need to. He said when he got back he would send a check. He left me in emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial ruin. If I was not able to cash in my change at the CoinStar, I do not know what I would have done to get groceries. It has been confirmed a billion times over how much he does not give a f*ck. There is nothing that could be said to undo those hateful actions. I, myself, say things I don't mean. Who doesn't? But NEVER have my actions SHOWN such a blatant display of HATRED. He does. He contradicts himself. His words mean nothing. His actions say it all. I couldn't care less what he thinks, or how he feels. I am just stoked I don't have to tiptoe around him anymore not knowing what will set him off next. HE HAS SHOWN HIS DISDAIN FOR ME TOO, TOO, TOO WAY TOO MANY TIMES. So whatever it is that may be robbing you of the life you want to live and the life you deserve you must weed it out in order to grow. I wish to be a radiant, beautiful and happy flower that can grow and bloom to my full potential without anymore weeds. Maybe I will open up a hug center some day and maybe I will not, but hugs are great. I love hugs and who wouldn’t need one after that? Xxoo much love to errrbody out there. Peace Love and Happiness to everyone. Give someone you know today a hug. And let people in your life know how special they are. K. Thank you for reading. I survived!!!Please don’t be shy, hit me up anytime!