#the Adult conversations because im Almost An Adult and i cant just hide and read like i could when i was a kid

[boycritter]

not looking forward to seeing my moms side of the family this christmas :/

[shyrose57]

2: I will figure it out eventually and that's a promise.

3: Watson is aboustely heart broken and near tears multiple times as well hearing Ran in so much distress and actually crying. Jackie does cry, he attempts multiple times to hug Ran and make it known he's there to comfort him, but it only works sometimes, and when it doesn't work Ran gets scared and tries to get away believing an attacker has gotten him. Grievous is almost like silently grieving, knowing he can't do anything to help his close friend. Cletus feels bad, and since he isnt too good with emotions, focuses on instead attempting to cheer everyone else up. Isaac and Benjamin feel awful as they feel at fault for letting it happen, so to hopefully help they make plans on how to make Ran as comfortable and safe as can be while also getting him to a nearby town they heard about to hopefully reverse it. Charles is doing his damn best to comfort Ran while also distracting him from his own thoughts, which mostly means Charles (and Watson) play the role of story teller for a while. Ranbob is the hardest hit by it, he's suffering so much because he so badly just wants to go over and hug his little brother and comfort him, tell him that it'll all be ok and that Bobby would protect him. But also knows he can't because he knows that would most likely do nothing but make it worse. For a while he spends his time blocking his ears and wrapped in a comfort blanket trying to comfort himself, as everyone else tend to his suffering brother. One thing that makes it harder is that Ran begins to purr to himself in a vain attempt to comfort himself (cause I personally like to think Enderman hybrids are like cats and purr like them, when their happy, content, comfortable, but also to soothe themselves and heal wounds), when Ranbob knows Ran's never purred, so knowing he's so desperate to try it now hurts him. 

You will get some comfort, like Watson manages to convince Ranbob to at least hug Ran, and Ranbob manages to purr alongside Ran a bit, which does actually help to calm Ran down. Ran getting wrapped up with the fluffiest blanket they have and always having Watson, Jackie, or Grievous by his side. With Jackie tending to hold his hand. 

4: All of the above. Sudden touch can be overwhelming to Ranbob at times, especially when he's not doing well mentally. Also while in this state, touch reminds him of the desperate grabbing and touching of the people he killed that tried to escape or fend him off. And Dream was able to hurt Ranbob by starving and dehydrating him of course, but when Ranbob was being particularly disobedient and tried to fight back Dream would often take control and cut or stab Ranbob then gave back control as punishment. 

10: It does get better! Idk if I already said but Kelalen is actually where they get the antidote for Rans blindness potion! And when their given it for free and it works, they become very grateful to Adler and Lucia (the one who actually convinced Adler to give them the potion in the first place cause it was the only one left). And a few days after they arrive they actually decide to explore the town, where they meet Siren and get more information on Dream and who he was, they also get their weapons and armor repaired by them. But while talking with Siren, Cletus and Grievous sneak off and run into Atlas, then Cletus and Grievous agree to help Atlas with his prank. But by the end of their second week in Kelalen the group starts to truly enjoy their stay, Ranbob often saying how it kind of reminds him of Mizu before everything happened. 

12: Thats funny though and is exactly how I'd want to be seen.

13: *CLAPS HANDS* OH BOY DO I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU. I RECENTLY TOLD MY FRIEND ABOUT RANBOB SEEING HIS DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY BUT FAILED TO TELL THEM IT WASNT ACTUALLY PART OF THE STORY. SO THEY TOOK IT LITTERALY AND THEY HAVE GIVEN ME IDEAS, WHILE ALSO HELPING ME REALIZE THAT THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE USED TO SET UP FOR RANBOB MOVING PAST HIS TRAUMAS AND CAN LEAD TO MORE FLUFF AND ANGST. SO NOW IT IS PART OF THE STORY, WITH CHANGES THAT IT HAPPENED DURING A DREAM AND HE DIDNT BELIEVE IT AND CONSIDERED IT A CRUEL JOKE BY FATE ITSELF AT FIRST. AND YES BY AT FIRST I MEAN THIS HAPPENS MANY MORE TIMES.

Also my friend has a message for you, "HahA THEY BETTER THANK ME I SET THEM UP FOR MORE MISERY 😈😈 /j" (I wanna be safe so if you don't know /j means that their joking)

14: Im not doing Foolish and Dream brothers because I personally don't like/get it. But I was thinking maybe they meet Foolish after Mripat tells them that there was a member of the SMP who was said to be a god and immortal. And after some long conversations they decide to go hunt for this apparently immortal god. Which takes a while since no one actually knows where he is, just that he likes deserts, and have to go off possible sightings or hints in history books. And when they finally meet him they manage to learn about totems (which they previously didn't know about) and even get some. They also learn that infact even during the SMP time no one quite knew what Dream was, and learns the ways the SMP tried to permanently get rid of him. Foolish is also devastated to know that Dream infact survived and becomes determined to help them. Even offering his help that if they ever go back to Mizu to face Dream, he'll come along and help in anyway he can. 

15: I like to imagine Edward remembers Ranboo as the young troubled enderman that he basically adopted and took care of. So Edward sees Ranboo in both Ran and Ranbob, so he offers his help and advice. Basically becoming their Grandad, telling stories about everything he's seen. Especially about Ranboo because Ranbob is so curious about his ancestor he just cant help but ask. One convo I've been particularly thinking about goes something like, "Edward: Older one, what do you think your brother thinks about you? Ranbob: I..I think he doesnt like me, and that he wants me gone. Edward: Hmm, your wrong. Ranbob: What? Edward: When I look at Ran, I see a child, not an adult yet, scarred, scared and traumatized. A child that wishes you two were closer, that he could forgive you and wants to believe you, just so you two could be family again. But is afraid too, for he already has a family, that he is terrified of losing, and is scared if he attempts to trust you again that they may leave him. But make no mistake, your brother wants to make amends, your brother cares about you and wants you happy. He knows deep down that he can trust you, and that you are innocent, but you all must help him acknowledge those parts, and stand by him, helping him walk when needed, as he traverses his own nightmares." AKA I really want Edward to be the reason Ranbob realizes that Ran does want to be family again but needs help. Cause if I had to describe the brothers current positions with their trauma it'll be, Ranbob-Knows he has trauma and is trying to get better and live with it, willingly getting help. Ran-Is fucking drowning in trauma cause he refuses to acknowledge he has it and hides it well most of the time, also doesn't ask for help. 

2: I fear the day.

3: Hahaha, ow, ow, ow. That, overall, is...heartbreaking. At the same time though, it’s sweet to see everyone pitching in to do their best and help him. We got it with Ranbob, now we get it with Ran.

I am curious, though. From what you’ve said, Blindness potions don’t wear off immediately? Why’s that?

4: *Chants* Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. Please punch Dream. How do the fishermen deal with this, and help Ranbob?

10: Oh, god, Ran’s blind when they arrive in town. That’s definitely a high tension situation. Not only have you got him out of commission, but everyone else high strung from it, and probably having their protective instincts in overdrive when they randomly get treated hostilely. What exactly does an antidote for blindness consist of? Do most potions have antidotes, or counters? Is milk no longer used, or is that not a thing in the AU? It does sound nice that they all end up making friends later on though. How does Ran adjust to having his sight back? And, y’know, having everyone see him like that, and his brother comfort him(if they aren’t on good terms at this point, the timeline’s confusing me a bit)

12: Throughout this conversation, every time I read something sad, the image struck me, and honestly, it’s what you deserve. If these keeps up, I’m gonna start inserting these little 🏹s every time you hurt my heart. 

13: I’m being conspired against. Does everyone see this? Brothers Anon and their friend are conspiring to break my heart. Such gremlins. What did I ever do to you two?

Also, you can tell your friend that from this point on, I will closely associate them with a tiny, purple, cackling imp. 

14: Huh. Why do they want to find Foolish? Curiosity? To learn more about the Smp? About Dream? Sounds like it has a lot of potential to be quite the interesting encounter. And, since they didn’t previously know about the totems, they probably wouldn’t notice if one activated in a certain situation where it’s popped...do with that what you will.

15: Anon, I love all of this. Tell me more about Grandpa Edward. Does he fondly look back to Ranboo being polite and quiet while Ranbob and Ran cause havoc in the background? Does he bake them snacks and tell them about Ranboo’s adventures, and how much he loved to mine-which, in hindsight, is kind of funny, considering you just mentioned that so few people follow Skeppy because of the mining, but apparently their ancestor did that thing for fun.

[tavtiers]

Mage of Void Analysis

for @jaserowells

sollux + equius, what a spooky god tier! first off, here's my brief analysis

Mage of Void (39% activity) - understands knowing and perceiving: incorporeality, secrecy, mystery, misfortune, submission, ignorance, nothingness

opposite - Seer of Light (knows knowing and perceiving: perceptuality, knowledge, information, fortune, agency, sight; players - Rose Lalonde) inverse - Heir of Light (inherits knowing and perceiving: perceptuality, knowledge, information, fortune, agency, sight)

CANON EXAMPLES - n/a NON-CANON EXAMPLES - Credence Barebone (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them), Edgar Allan Poe

i will be using credence and edgar allan poe as my main examples (bc i dont have any canon ones) but i will provide information on them! if you'd like to know more about credence his wiki is here (also this post will have spoilers for fantastic beasts and where to find them!!) edgar allan poe's wikipedia page is here, i also highly recommend you read 'the raven' bc it's an excellent mage of void example and i'll be referencing it here and there throughout the post :0

alright mages are active with 69% activity active classpects are meaner, but more likely to stand up for themselves void is passive with 9% activity passive classpects are kinder, but less likely to stand up for themselves

this makes a mage of void relatively passive with 39% activity

since they are relatively passive, they are likely quiet and may give off an almost timid first impression. however, while i normally say most passive god tiers aren't prone to be too dangerous, a mage of void is an exception. bc they suffer from void, they are highly likely to go grimdark and will often harbor a volatile darkness of some kind in side of them.

on the subject of mages of void being dangerous, they won't appear to be on a regular basis and will often have agreeable, if mysterious, withdrawn, and kind of angsty personalities they become dangerous when they cant deal with and control the darkness they are struggling with anymore examples of this are poe's numerous poems about murder (cutting a man into pieces and hiding him under the floorboards etc) and credence unleashing his obscurus <--- credence is the best example and i'll get into this in more depth later on

in the raven, edgar allan poe gains a unique understanding of nothingness/lack by suffering from it he is suffering from lenore's passing, missing her, and being alone in general "nevermore" symbolizes nothingness, etc ravens & crows are void symbols the raven causes him distress, which allows him to better understand void mages of void will be prone to suffer from death, lacking something or someone, or alcoholism, among other things since mages of void suffer from emptiness they are very likely to have depression or become the avatar of some dark force they are one of the most likely classpects to go grimdark

a mage of void could gain a unique understanding of the sea from almost dying at sea. or perhaps they understand alcoholism after experiencing it themselves. because of this, they could have knowledge of every alcoholic beverage under the sun

they could suffer from secrets, allowing them to gain a unique understanding of them after having so many people lie to them and keep secrets from them, they can now see right through lies and deception

another idea: a mage of void could be tormented by horrorterrors so they understand them uniquely (their abilities, etc)

the difference between a mage and a seer a seer is someone who has TONS of facts about a topic, but no first hand experience a mage does not have facts or statistics about a topic, but TONS of first hand experience

for example: a mage of cows vs a seer of cows the seer has gone to college and learned all about cows the mage has never been to college but has lived with cows their whole life

mage of void vs seer of void a seer finds everything out about secrets, horrorterrors, death, etc that they can a mage doesnt have to look for info on void. they suffer from secrets, horrorterrors, and death so they already know all about it

a mage of void knows everything there is to know about really obscure topics that no one else has even thought to look into for a mage the obscure topic is constantly happening to them so of course they'd know all about it

the mage will know how to keep things secret after having people keep secrets from them

bc a mage of void suffers from powerful darkness inside of them, they can be volatile or dangerous if their 'darkness' is unleashed (grimdark, etc)

they suffer from bad luck so better understand it

interesting idea: they could suffer from death by being dead and therefore gain a better understanding of ghosts or they could suffer from a lack of awareness/sleep by going into a coma. when they wake up they know everything about comas and dreaming. all their dreaming while in a coma helped them better understand the horrorterrors.

canon examples of mages the disciple - mage of heart the disciple gained the deepest understanding of love by feeling the truest love in the universe, then having it ripped from her and being forced to watch her love die she wrote down all she understood about his scripture after being with the signless for so long she had a deeper understanding of him, and love in general she suffered for who she was, for believing in the signless's message she also suffered for who she was by not being killed by darkleer (he remembered his moirallegiance with her back when she was meulin)

meulin - mage of heart meulin gained a better understanding of love and being herself after her failed matespriteship with kurloz she uses her knowledge to pair up her friends romantically she suffers from who she loves with kurloz using his chucklevoodoos on her and being the one that caused her to go deaf

sollux - mage of doom suffers from voices of the dead, however the voices help him to better understand future doomed events basically self explanatory, suffers from doom so understands it

mages of void could be perfectly happy and suffer from nothing, but more likely, mages of void suffer from nothingNESS and could in fact be one of the saddest mages (though i do think time and doom beat them by a small margin) a mage of void would suffer from emptiness inside of them, emptiness all around them, etc they could suffer from extreme loneliness, having to spend months entirely by themselves but from this, they will learn all about loneliness (how to deal with it, etc) also! while in their extended period of isolation, they could put their loneliness to constructive use, using their time to learn everything they can about all the other aspects of void (secrets, death, horrorterrors, sleep, ravens, etc) an example from the raven: "Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow    From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—" edgar allan poe is trying to distract himself from lenore's absence with reading

another cool idea: a mage of void who has been excluded and ostracized their whole life, but uses their isolation to learn other's secrets

a mage of void could have experienced memory loss in the past, giving them a unique understanding of memory loss that they can use to help others suffering with it

or a mage could suffer from figurative (or even literal) invisibility! no one noticing or caring that they're there. through their invisibility, they end up understanding everyone else's deepest secrets. like a little kid no one pays attention to at an adult party, so the kid starts listening in on their conversations and finding out everything the adults dont want them to know

POWERS

there has never been a canon example of a mage in combat, so any powers i come up with are pure speculation hOWEVER i love the idea of a mage of void going into a voidy, destructive, berserker mode when they just can't handle their own suffering or the darkness inside of them anymore but before any possible outbursts, or for mages of void who dont have an outburst at all, im struggling to come up with ideas.

neat idea: a mage of void could have a pet raven that they have a deep mutual understanding with. they can call the bird to help them in combat

i don't think a mage of void would have any unique OFFENSIVE abilities, but during combat i feel they would have a deep understanding of what wasn't going to happen, and use that to get ahead. for instance, they know their opponent never strikes to the left first, meaning they will likely strike right instead. a mage can use this knowledge to avoid the blow.

a mage will use their knowledge of their aspect mainly for themselves and their own benefit. they may keep all of their knowledge of void a secret. they may even keep their suffering a secret (making going grimdark an even realer possibility)

bc of this, others might think the mage perfectly happy (suffers from nothing). or their teammates might even think of them as an idiot, while deep down the mage in fact fully understands things their friends could never begin to comprehend. (understands nothing)

a mage of void could even suffer from their own friends ignorant opinions of them. an example of this can be seen with credence. credence is manipulated by a friend looking for an obscurus, not realizing that credence is one himself. the friend eventually betrays him after deciding that he has outlived his usefulness. only when credence unleashes his obscurus does the friend truly understand the situation and the secret credence has been keeping. i'll get into this more later

some snippets of other excellent analyses: As far as the Mage goes, over the course of their session I believe they’d develop as a character. They’d go from someone potentially shy or self-doubting to someone of importance to the group. Exhibiting traits of a leader or guide later on in the session. Especially if the team has to navigate the Furthest Ring or hide from a great enemy they are unable to fight yet.

They know where people usually throw things away and forget them because they’ve been thrown away and forgotten themselves.

Be diligent in your loyalties and fight for your friends, or I suspect you’ll become the avatar of some dark force or other.

Mage of Void Quotes: "i just feel so empty sometimes and it's so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time" "i like being alone but lately i've been lonely and it hurts"

nooow for the non-canon example. Credence Barebone from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is an excellent example of a Mage of Void.

so a mage of void experiences void uniquely, often suffering because of it. this gives them a unique perspective on and understanding of void, more so than any other class. they can then use their knowledge to benefit themselves. to start off, credence exists in the harry potter universe. fantastic beasts takes place in new york, in the 1920s. he experiences void, and suffers because of it, in a number of ways.

when he was young, he was adopted by Mary Lou Barebone, a fanatical anti-witchcraft preacher. mary lou beat all her children, however she treated him the worst. this was because, unbeknownst to him, he was the son of a witch. credence does in fact have latent magical abilities, however because of how mary lou abused him, he was forced to suppress them. in this way, he suffers from secrets (mary lou keeping the secret from him, and he keeping his magic a secret). due to her frequent abuse, he often seems troubled, nervous, or embarrassed, and is shy and withdrawn.

by suppressing his magic, he becomes an obscurial, developing a dark, parasitic force inside of him known as an obscurus.

later on, he meets gellert grindlewald, a wizard who is looking for the obscurus that has been destroying parts of new york. credence is the oldest known obscurial in existence (all others have died before the age of 10) so grindlewald is unaware that credence is the very same obscurial he's looking for. grindlewald offers his help to credence, healing him when he's beaten by mary lou, and offering emotional support. he is doing this because he wants credence to help him find the obscurial. in exchange he promises to teach him magic, helping him become a part of the wizarding world.

credence suffers from void due to grindlewald's ignorance

grindlewald eventually comes to the conclusion that the obscurial is credence's little sister, and has him take him to her. once there, he rejects credence. he tells him that he's a 'squib' (a person without magic born to a magical parent) and that he has no use for him anymore. due to this betrayal and all the emotional pain he's been through, credence finally unleashes the full power of his obscurus on new york, revealing himself. in this way, credence gains a true understanding of secrets, ignorance, and the darkness inside of him.

grindlewald goes to confront credence, apologizing and saying they can work together. however, credence is now capable of fully understanding that he is lying, and knows that he only wants to use his obscurus for his own ends.

i'm going to include songs and whatnot in here too, because why the heck not :)

some planet suggestions: Land of Crows and Psyche Land of Memory and Emptiness Land of Dark Water and Marbles - the marbles would actually contain your consorts' consciences and you'd need to retrieve them from the water. buuUT there's monsters in the water!! :0c

Your most likely Denizen is Nyx. Some other viable denizens: Cetus, Poseidon, Artemis, Sige, Selene, Chaos, Erebus, Hymnos, Asteria, Hecate, Harpocrates, Charon, Circe, Morpheus, The Oneiroi, Thalassa, Epiales, Phobetor, Aporia Dahni came up with these! You can read her post with each denizen’s full description here

SONGS from god-tier-lovers unrealized: Pusher - Clear ft.  Mothica (Shawn Wasabi Remix) struggle: Alterniabound 06 - Dreamers and The Dead realized: Lauren Aquilina - Ocean

extra Lost Boy - Ruth B The Chill - Bruce Hornsby

QUADRANTS god tiers a mage of void could be compatible with, sorted from most to least likely/healthy ♥ Matespriteship: Witch of Breath, Witch of Time, Seer of Breath, Seer of Time, Prince of Breath, Prince of Time, Maid of Breath, Maid of Time ♦ Moirallegiance: Page of Heart, Page of Space, Maid of Heart, Maid of Space ♠ Kismesissitude: Prince of Time ♣ Auspisticism: n/a

k i'm done :) thanks for the suggestion, mage of light will be coming soon!!

[feraldavestrider]

i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself

i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!

how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.

what colour are your eyes: very dark brown

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.

do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life

what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.

when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey

how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT

do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt

what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares

what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.

what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.

what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.

what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping

do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok. 

YES

what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality. 

would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.

do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.

how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.

what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.

1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB

2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva

3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB

4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)

5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore

6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)

7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)

8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva

9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore

10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore

11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB

12) ‘The City’ - Madeon

13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD

14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)

15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers

[ktrsss1fics]

Cheeseburger in Paradise: Five.

What’s the best way to cure a hangover?

For some, it’s a marathon sleep session and a few gallons of red Gatorade.

For others, it’s an early morning run around the block and a fresh smoothie before a few hours of yoga.

For Georgina Ferguson, it was getting on a boat at eight o'clock in the morning after four hours of sleep and a small piece of avocado toast.

Her head was throbbing. Her stomach was in knots. And the sound of a certain boy’s laugh was about to send her over the edge. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed and wake up when the sun was starting to set and the little hole in the wall started to make their obnoxiously delicious jerk chicken kebabs.

But she agreed to go parasailing.

At the time it was suggested, it seemed like a good idea. As soon as Brittany jumped on her bed earlier that morning to wake her up, Georgina realized it was not.

“How ya holdin’ up?” Brittany asked nudging her gently.

“If he doesn’t stop with that fuckin laugh, I’m feedin’ ‘im to a shark.” Georgina grumbled.

“Oi, give 'im a break. He’s having fun.” Brittany said looking over at their Irish friend.

“Well he should do it somewhere else.” Georgina said burying her head in her hands.

“Did you really drink that much last night?” Brittany asked scanning Georgina’s face.

Georgina lowered her sunglasses and shot her best friend a dirty look. The dark rings under her puffy eyes spoke for themselves.

“What do you remember?” Brittany asked knowing that look all too well.

“I don’t know.” Georgina mumbled putting her glasses back into place.

“C'mon G.” Brittany said rubbing Georgina’s thigh lovingly.

“You got me up at the arse crack of dawn and put me on a boat that will most likely be covered in my stomach lining by the end of the day.” Georgina groaned. “And now you want me to open up to you about a night I don’t remember. Where is the love Brittany Anne, hmm? Where is the love?”

“You really don’t remember anything?” Brittany asked sounding disappointed.

“Ehhh…” Georgina replied.

Did she remember anything? Yes. She did.

Was she willing to admit it? No. Not at all.

Because if she did, then she would have to admit that she let Niall Horan kiss her and get away with it.

And that was not something she was willing to admit. At least not before she had time to over analyze every decision she had made the night before.

“Keith threw up by the pool.” Georgina said after playing with the idea of being honest.

“And the driveway.” Brittany added feigning disgust.

“Um there is a plant called the love tree and it has heart shaped leaves.” Georgina rattled off trying to play it cool.

As soon as those words left her lips, she felt a pair of eyes land on her. She refused to acknowledge the boy who they belonged to. She knew why he was looking but hadn’t realized he’d been listening.

“Excuse me, what?” Brittany asked confused.

“Yeah um I don’t know its like real name but apparently there is a real plant that has leaves that look like hearts.” Georgina shrugged trying to explain her new found knowledge.

“You’re such a fuckin weirdo babe.” Brittany laughed.

“You asked what I remembered and that is something I remembered.” Georgina said.

“How is that even something you remember?” Brittany shook her head.

“I don’t know.” Georgina said. “I just do.”

Regretfully, Georgina looked up. An appreciative smile graced the lips of a boy she was trying her best to ignore. She focused her eyes back on the floor. She didn’t have time for boys like him.

“Do you remember anything else?” Brittany asked hoping to get more information out of her friend.

Georgina let out a sigh. “Nope.”

Brittany scooted closer before lowering her voice. “So you don’t remember someone kissing you?”

“How do you know about that?” Georgina narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“I saw it go down. Wait, you remember that happening?” Brittany said with an excited grin.

“Yeah but I wasn’t going to admit it to you.” Georgina mumbled embarrassed.

“You like him.” Brittany said reading between the lines.

“No I don’t.” Georgina scoffed.

“God just sit on his face already Fergie. We all know you want to.” David’s voice croaked cheekily as he sat down beside her.

“For fucks sake.” Georgina grumbled as she pulled her knees towards her chest in an attempt to hide her blushing cheeks.

She really just wanted to throw herself off the boat. She didn’t care how far out they were. She didn’t care if fish or sharks or Ursula was waiting for her beneath the surface. She just wanted something to completely swallow her up.

“David Allen!” Brittany said scolding him.

“What?” Dave whined childishly.

“You can’t say shit like that.” Brittany whispered before glancing across the boat. Niall was trying his best to act like he hadn’t heard what was said. But his blushing cheeks were hard to miss.

“Like he doesn’t know already.” Dave said placing a hand on Georgina’s knee. “This one’s just playing hard to get.”

“Will you knock it off?” Brittany sighed. “We said we wouldn’t meddle.”

“Yeah but she’s into him. Why can I just help her realize it?” David said gently.

“Telling me to sit on someone’s face and coaxing me into realizing I have nonexistent feelings are two different things you twat.” Georgina sassed.

“And if she has feelings for him, it’s none of our business.” Brittany said giving her boyfriend a dirty look. “We talked about this.”

“Well excuse me sorry for trying to help.” David said before standing up. Both women shot him dirty looks. “I can tell I’m not wanted over here. I’ll just go talk to Keith instead.”

“Yeah brilliant idea.” Brittany said before turning to her friend. “Georgie–”

“I don’t have feelings for him or at least I don’t think I do.” Georgina said softly. “The kiss was just confusing and it caught me off guard.”

Brittany just nodded. “That’s okay G.”

“I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m usually so sure with my feelings - especially when it comes to him.” Georgina explained. “But after yesterday, I just don’t know. I mean I still want to strangle him but I am kind of starting to enjoy looking at him.”

“And that’s perfectly normal.” Brittany smiled.

Georgina opened her mouth to say something but decided against it. She knew what Brittany was going to say. Niall was not Marcus. He was Niall and that made him better in every single way.

“You don’t have to have things sorted out right now.” Brittany said.

“I know.” Georgina sighed. “Haven’t really processed it all.”

“He’s scared of you.” Brittany said with a smirk.

Georgina looked across the boat to find Niall in a conversation with Dave and the boys. She slid her sunglasses on top of her head before turning her attention to Brittany.

“When he went to the bar after he kissed you, I ran into him. He was too scared to give you the drink.” Brittany explained. “He asked me to do it.”

“Why didn’t you?” Georgina asked. “I mean I could have used a little pep talk after it.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to let the people you love do things on their own.” Brittany shrugged.

Georgina rolled her eyes before putting her glasses back on. “Fuck, I’m too hungover for that shit Britt.”

“It’s true.” Brittany laughed at Georgina’s dramatics.

“When did you become a fucking Hallmark card?” Georgina asked.

“Oh stop. You know I’m just looking out for the two of you.” Brittany placed her head on her friend’s shoulder.

“You should be looking out for that boyfriend of yours.” Georgina said still disgusted by David’s comment.

“I can’t believe he bloody said that to you.” Brittany sighed. “I am so sorry.”

Georgina rested her head against Brittany as a comfortable silence fell between them. The early morning sun was dancing across the water as they continued to head to the middle of ocean. Her eyes wandered around the boat before landing on the group of boys in the corner. Dave was going on about a part of the night she hadn’t remembered and Niall was eating up every second of it.

She didn’t understand how he was doing it. He had consumed twice the amount of alcohol that she did yet he was walking around like almost fully functional human being. How was he acting like nothing happened? She didn’t know. She did know that his laugh was going to do her head in.

Georgina felt her best friend shift from beneath her.

“Wanna ride with me?” Brittany asked softly.

“Yes.” Georgina said. “Please.”

“I need a break from Dave.” Brittany said with a sigh. “Who says that shit this early?”

“It’s okay B. He was just trying to be funny.” Georgina said reassuringly.

“He doesn’t even like when I do that to him. Why would he assume that Niall would want you to do that?” Brittany said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Unless they’ve discussed it.”

“And if that’s the case, I do not want to know.” Georgina cringed picturing the boys talking about any of the girls that way.

“How was the – you know?” Brittany asked lowering her voice towards the end.

“It was short but okay I guess.” Georgina said replaying the kiss in her head. “More like a peck nothing too substantial.”

“Would you want something more substantial?” Brittany asked smugly. Georgina sighed, “Honestly?”

“Fuck!” Brittany’s eyes lit up as she studied her best friend’s face. “You do.”

Georgina closed her eyes embarrassed. “If we keep getting as pissed as we did last night, I’m afraid it’s going to happen.”

“You haven’t had a good snog in ages.” Brittany pointed out.

“Would be easier to find some island guy for that.” Georgina joked.

“The boys wouldn’t let that happen.” Brittany said.

“I know. They are all so damn protective.” Georgina said. “I’m fine on me own.”

Niall cackled loudly catching their attention. She hated what it did to her. He turned her insides into goo and set her skin on fire. He was slowly chipping away at the tough exterior she had built before she left England and she didn’t like it.

“I think by the end of this trip, something will have happened between you two.” Brittany said keeping her eyes on Niall.

“Why’d you say that?” Georgina asked doing the same.

“Have you seen the way the kid looks at you?” Brittany asked.

“Stop putting those thoughts in me head.” Georgina grumbled.

“You are two single adults. It’s okay to have those thoughts G.” Brittany said patting her on the leg. “He’s not Marcus.”

“No he’s just a hot young millionaire who could get any girl in the world that he wants.” Georgina said as Niall caught her staring.

A shy smile was sent in her direction.

“Yeah but you see that?” Brittany asked nodding towards their friend. “He only has eyes for you.”

[11toe11-blog]

No autocorrect. e for stickie

“Thats such a good lesson. On patience” he says. After yanking out two of the sapota seeds he had to lovingly planted. Its sticking out of the mud, may be i should pushi it back inside, something is not right, let me pull it out and see whats going on he must have thought. And the two of the early earnets, reposnding to his watering dropped dead. Thats the garden as the zen master i suppose. 

The very change that we water and nourish, when it starts expressing, we wonder why it is not how it is supposed to be - familiar, buried deep in the soil and my role to keep watering. Or final, green and with a leaf on it. The inbetweens where its neither this or that, uncertain. I assume im a doing something wrong.

I notice that as a programme running when i am doing my body work. A sense that i am not paying attention where i should be paying attention. I notice the feeling and when it dissolves more attention is generally availble and flowing.

I am feeling like now. Oh! This is not what i wanted to start the post with. 

Its because R is around. Otherwise i would be more contemplative. I should have this, i should have that. I havent this, i havent that. 

And its not entirely just the whiner programme. Had i woken up early i would ahve had more quiet time. But for that i have to sleep early. 

Now that it is what it is, i didnt sleep early, i didnt wake up early, things arent going picture perfect, but they are not bad either. A chunck of the sticky can see that. Its sticking. Stuck like resin onto how it should have been. This is the  cant-let-it-go resin.  Can let anything go. Want to stick to everything and anything passing by.  Like an ocptopus with a million legs and holding on to everyhthing passing by and being pulled in infiinte direction.s 

Imagine if it suddenly lets go, what a whack it would get from all its legs combined recoil. 

Methi paratha. Would go very well with the garlic pickle he is making. 

Where is this

Where is that 

Incessant. Wont look. Cant see.

I havent been making sprouts for a while. Nor micro greens. 

I like the kichen counter to be clean. Spot less. A few 

You this. You that. 

A clean kitchen counter whre we can cook. 

Its a small counter and i need it clean. Right now its a clutter.

You this you that

This is like this This is like that

Where have i seen this play out in loop. My mother. R has turned into my mother this morning. R keeps turning into my mother. 

That when i hate him. Hate is strong. Intensely dislike. When he keeps driving home this point of how one is not doing what what one is supposed to be doing. That what and who one is,  isnt ideal. 

This was beginining to feel like a whiny pointless post with zero insight. 

And R calls up his mom to ask if she minds  onion in the kadala curry he is making. We are taking puttu and kadala over with us when we go to visit them today.  I would have thought it odd the affection he bestows on his mother. And early on when i met him, he wasnt so expressive with his affection towards his parents. A 54 year old man being being possibly moer affectionate with his mom that i am with mine. Is actually such a wonderful and beautiful thing. In my own conditioning, formed by acerbic relations between my mom and her mom-in-law and my father’s absence, that i never got a clear idea of my fathers relationship with his mother. What  do i mean by that? I suppose we form neural pathways of expectations based on what we are exposed to. Somewhere in my liberal hyper-independent idea of the free woman, modelled along the independent man,  was one who didnt need anyone. And so it seems strange, for the adult man to express his affection for his aged mother. He can take care of the financial and social obligations et al. But to express geniune affection outwardly. How unstoic. 

ANd how human. To actually accept and acknowlege ones need for this primary connection to the world. Than hide it in thick layers of indifference and independence as expression of masculinity. 

And somewhere, the articulation of the Oedipus complex lurks suspiciously, watching out for abnormality in everything and everyone. That if one thing that has been named and labelled, and its all just that. 

I know that its my own possessive tendencies and programming that assumes that every ounce of the adult male’s attention must be and must only be directed towards his “legal” mate.

Ah. There were are inching closer and notice the familiar subject in the horizon. Envy. 

Yesterday when R said he was intensely attracted to E at some point in the exercise which was to gaze into the eyes of another, a stranger or friend for 10 minutes, i felt the sensations. Bubbling that demanded more space. Didnt want touch. Words that came out first - was to reassert power. “I know, i sensed it then”. And its true, i am quite sensitivve and i may have sensed it then and it may have had its effects on the evening. Sure. 

But what was remarkable was how my viewing expereince of the film that E made, (and it was while watching the film that R made this statement) shifted ever so slightly. My neutral viewing and expereince of admiration shifted slowly and clearly towards disinterest and and veiled criticism. Basically, to put it simply, i found more faults with the film in the last half an hour after the greens than i did in the whole one hour before that. To the extent that i even found a scene dishonest and without integrity.

Now the question that i wont ever have a real answer to - is if the scene actually had elements that lacked a certain integrity and congruent with the position taken by the maker. And my envy allowed for a critical lens, or a wiping out of rose tinted admiration?

Or it was a discouloring and distrotion of the viewing experince, from the sensations expereinced?

I dont know. 

Maybe what i am trying to ask is - is there any use of this sensation or expereince of envy. Does it serve any purpose in the larger sense of things? Because everything does, no, if we go by the idea of interconnectedness. Even the weeds have uses, unknown to us.

The sensation is sure unpleasant. It immediately put a distance between me and R and even E. 

It created a distinct expereince of seperation. And with it came thoughts of security, or more like insecurity. Discrediting the other in someway as being weak. The need to claim, reclaim power. “ yea. When i have hung out with her husband, i was also quite intensely attracted to him”. 

And also raised aloud once again the nature of commitment. Between R and me thats an on going conversation. How does one arrive into a mature sensible relationship. 

Writing is slower today. I shared the blog link with 3 and a half people. And i know this will be read by someone other than me. Earlier there was no such thought at all. 

It is changing the tone of what is being written. At this point atleast.

__

“ Dil mein mere hai Dard-e-disco dard-e-disco” … keeps appearing in head at random moments. Like a tape was left on and the power kept coming on and off. The two lines become backdrops to the most incognruent thoughts. 

I go looking for the source. I dont find it. 

In the play - 

The character goes looking for the source of the song that fills the scene, and keeps looking and doesnt find it.

In another play, as ina thiriller , the song is the red color coating the pill. The memory that needs to placed into the slot to rewire the expereince of reality. Of joy. Or rights and wrongs. Of this one girl and hence of the collective. The logic is a lot  like inception. 

__

Ok. time to wrap. Dissatisfaction .

That the future gaze of another is coloring my expereince of perceiving and expressing. Maybe thats the distance between the master and the novice. The future gaze of another, for the master is also the future gaze of herself. The other not seperate from the self. And the novice rolls in the muck of otherness. 

Rolling nice long distances made by the idea of such a seperation. Making huge spaces. And feeling small. Pretending to be big and feeling small.

I have had more backspaces operating today than i have ever in the recents. 

Ok so envy makes some space and distance on one plane, while clingling like resin on another plane. Two opposite properties belonging to the same idea. Thats also another interpretation of duality.

HUnger hunger.

I go eat and make puttu.

I really hope i do my exercises in the evening. My knees need it. ANd not keep it off to the next morning - because only mornings are perfect. And if i cant do it in the morning i can nver do it, nonsense. 

Afternoon today mom starts stitchinging classes with me. 

We pulled out almost a hundred bed sheets from the trunk in the outhouse. Apparently, they are some 40-50 years old. Belonging to R’s grandmom. 

Quite timely that R opened the trunks. We intend to keep some sheets for us, and for people who visit and some for the stiching classes and send the rest to La. Maybe there will still be enough to generally give away. 

R and Rc are bantering int he kitching. Waiting for some sense of satisfactiong and lcarity i stick onto the word doc. Inspite of raging hunger and the smell and sight of mangoes. 

Ok thats it. Today is this. Just observe it. Guilts. Nothing to do. Just watch. 

_

I entered. I apologize if i pushed it. I have sense that i may have. Or treated it casually.

I ask for forgiveness. And i forgive. As a student would. 

I leave now. To return wiser tomorrow.

[jameswrites]

On Trauma and my voice

I lack subtlety online, even as I have tact out the ass. I’ll be as obnoxious and bold as I want, but when it comes to telling someone that I do not like something, suddenly I pull the brakes, put on the special gloves, and make sure I phrase things as kindly as possible--as long as I believe that they will be respectful of my existence as a person.

My mom says something shitty to me? (She can’t anymore, I have let her out of my life, but this is a thought game.) I might say something shitty back, just as boldly as she is “subtle” in her cruelty.

Mom: I think boys would like you better if you grew out your hair. That’s what you want since you’re “gay” right?

Me: You look far better when you’re not talking, but here we are.

These are extremely real things that I, someone who was abused physically, emotionally, and financially (thanks for the lack of monies, even though now my credit ain’t so great!) by her as an adult, have said to and about her and others like her who have lost all good will. I have been that blunt and cold in my cuts to her after years of casually accepting her subtle jabs at my personhood.

But if a friend was like, “Hey, you look really good with long hair! I hope you keep it for a while.”

I’d be like, “Fuck yeah, me too thanks for noticing!

Because, after realizing that compulsory short hair isn’t a facet of masculinity and I don’t have to tolerate that shit, I started to grow out my hair and shave my mustache so I just have a beard and long curly hair.

But if a friend said something like: You’d look bad if you shaved your mustache.

I’d not know what to say. Because that has happened. My kid gloves went on, and suddenly I was swimming, because every bone in my body wants to react as I would with my mom because I FOUGHT FOR YEARS to be able to snap reply when someone is horrible to me, but this is a friend and someone I like and not someone who is abusive, so why does this feel so bad and--BREATHE-- should I say something? Do I bother? Does this make them someone I should put a mental red flag on? Do I just suck it up and let it go?

And sometimes I don’t say anything. It festers, but I put it out of my head as best I can.

And sometimes I do say something. And if they react like, “Oh! I’m so sorry!” then it’s fine.

And if they turn the blame onto me, it’s a definite red flag up, but I can move on, let it be.

And sometimes that just keeps happening, wave after wave of me gently bringing it up until one day it all spills out and I am not gentle anymore. I react like I might with my mom, or worse, if it’s particularly bad.

And then, gosh golly, I’m the bad one, aren’t I? I’m the one who just suddenly went “crazy” even though I have months of documented attempts to peacefully, despite my fears and anxieties, try to solve the issues of being insulted low-key and high-key by a friend. Over and over. I have pages and pages of conversations and hours spent working with my therapist and others on how to best be a good friend to a guy who just needed me to help him understand how he was messing up, exactly when it happened, in exactly the way he could understand it, or else it wasn’t enough.

And when I lost my cool, he used that as justification to become dangerous. To say I triggered him. Into threatening me with violence.

So for the last almost 2 months I have had to stay with him in this house, him moving about at 2am just being a loud noisy fucker because he can, because what can I say about it?

And I have PTSD flaring up all the time, and I try my best to just say well he’s leaving soon. But soon feels like months away, even though recently we found out it was supposed to be today. And then he switched it, made it August 1. 

It’s funny, my rapists, plural, are people I can put in my mental trunk and lock away until I am ready to deal with thoughts about him, but just as I am going to sleep some nights, he starts stomping around upstairs. I hear him all the time, even when he’s not there. My other roommates move about, and sometimes I fear it’s him, at my door, about ready to break in and try to make good on his threat for compliance.

He beat his stairs hard enough and with enough obvious intent (followed by, he did it so he wouldn’t throw things about and beat me, while he stood by the top of the stairs with me there at the top of them and his hands up by my shoulders, as if to toss me, until I called for help and he backed off) and. I lost track of that thought. I lost track of everything.

6 Weeks of this. 6 weeks of college.

College is sincerely the least difficult thing in my life right now and that’s so fucking funny to me. For every research paper that I find bullshit, for every film fucking analysis that I hate, I hate it because I have to be in my room with him above me, able to make noise on the stairs every time he moves about, in a way that my brain constantly IV drips adrenaline into me for, as if he’ll burst through the door and tear through my chest, alien burster style. My heart certainly pumps like it thinks that.

A summary of a conversation with a friend about this man I used to consider like an older brother:

i cant express how much i hate him rn

like, i

i find it hard to breathe a bit when i think about him and i just got reminded by god only knows what

like, my therapist is sincerely like, "James, I think you need to pull back" and im like "when he leaves i will, but rn im on constant all the triggers, every time im home, for weeks on end"

and they were like "that's something you ahve been through before with jen"

and i laughed

and was like "when's the last time you felt i wasn't safe to leave without a bit more time with you? when's the last time i cried the entire session, or at all?"

and they were like "well, i think it'll be healthier if you can hide him away in your mind for a bit" and im like

"yeah, you're right. right now i cannot do that. i cannot trust he's not going to try something, because he has shown himself to be vindictive, cruel, and petty. and dangerous."

and they just, they werent wrong and also i cant just

turn off my flight or fight or freeze

and if i had when it all happened, i might have been at the bottom of the stairs on my back those months ago

when he leaves, itll be better

but hes not gone and im still so so fuckin shook

and i hate him a lot

like

ill peel back that at some point and understand the nuance

But until then, my flight, fright, fight, freeze, it goes on and on and on until I feel like my heart might stop or run away, because I just can’t do either myself right now.

So I take this, this inability to pull back the fear and anguish and adrenaline, and I motivate myself to write it into my fiction, to peel back my Liam main character, to let him be filled with the pain as a literary proxy for me. He’ll suffer at least as much as I do, and far far more.

And he’ll get a happy ending.

This whole story will be about a happy ending.

Everyone will get what they need, even the ones who are so horrible, so scary, because behind them, there’s a person, and if that person can be reached, perhaps there is hope.

But I will not be writing HIM into this. Because while characters like my jackass parents will be in this story, in small amounts, people who so recently have hurt me don’t get their happy ending here, they can move into something else, feel something else, read something else. There is nothing here for them but ashes in the wind, folks.

[arsnovac12]

Blog Post 1

I go on runs from time to time when I’m back in Burbank, I enjoy keeping active, but it’s mostly an excuse to get out of the house. When I come home on holiday, I become confined to my parents house without any means of viable transportation. I have my drivers license, sure, but no car. My parents can’t afford to buy me one, and I can’t afford to get one myself. In fact, even if I could afford a car, I certainly couldn’t afford the insurance to go with it. Anyway, all this is to say I go on runs so I don’t feel too confined to my house.

That’s not very interesting, is it? Some things just tend to be that way. The life of a poor twenty-one year old white kid is never all that interesting in the first place. My life, my story, whatever it is, is not irregular. In fact, it’s one most people in America know very well, because it gets championed whenever one of us poor white kids gets rich and famous. Surprise, surprise, it happens pretty frequently.

So why write about it? I don’t know. Does it really matter if no one sees it in the first place? Maybe not. I guess I backed myself into a corner. If you’re reading this (if anyone is reading this) you’re probably expecting me to dive further in. Ultimately, you might say, there’s no point in agonizing over whether or not you’re going to talk about your life, because you already started writing a blog post about it, and it has to go somewhere. It does, doesn’t it? So why start with a lengthy preamble full of rhetorical questions? Besides being a clear literary crutch I’m struggling with, I think I feel indebted to having a conversation or dialogue about these things, as if to hide from some private guilt I have in telling any personal story. Writing has clearly become some sort of therapy to me, where I play both doctor and patient. The results are always inconclusive.

Anyway I should get back to the bullshit lede about running. Look, I like running, and it’s when my head is its most clear, so forgive me for using it as a starting point. Most of my ideas come to me when I run, so it was only fitting that it become the brief anecdote that starts a blog post that holds the kernel of what I’m going for. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t really get to. Look at me, whining before I even finished my “insignificant thing is contorted into something profound” anecdote. Okay, I’ll finish the story:

I like to go on runs. I feel trapped at my house, and I like to get out. Anyway, whenever I run, I take the same path. It leads away from my house towards the park in the hills where people would take their prom photos back in high school. The path mostly runs parallel to the major streets and hits several large intersections on its way. In all, the run from the house to the park and back is about five miles. Yesterday, I reached the park and stopped for some water. This wasn’t irregular or anything, but I took my time and drank more that I usually would. Then, something compelled me to keep running. The hills in Burbank are filled with expensive homes, and near the top of the street, sort of tucked away, there’s a pretty large mansion that’s almost gothic in its design. Anyway, I guess it was my curiosity that drove me to keep going. To get a look at that mansion, and the others around it.

So, I kept running for another half mile or so to see this mansion. On the way up, the houses got larger and more impressive looking, and I was filled with a mounting sense of dread. Eventually I reached the cul-de-sac with the house on its end. Naturally the street, called Viewcrest if you can believe it, was the most decadent one yet. Their driveways were filled with expensive cars I don’t know the names of, carefully manicured lawns, and about ten security cameras lining every porch. I got closer to the end of the street where the imposing mansion was, but it was tucked away from the front and hardly visible. I didn’t get much closer than fifty or sixty feet. The drive way had a large black Hummer sitting in it; another, more psychological warning sign for someone like me to keep away.

I left pretty quickly after I got there. No one was out, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being unwelcome. Before I turned the corner and left the street completely, I had the strange desire for someone to come out of their house and scold me for even coming there. In this fantasy, would I stand my ground, or run away as is fitting for my station? My brain firing it’s typically small amount of synapses couldn’t quite make it that far. Instead, I was caught up in the swell of what righteous injustice such a thing should muster.

This story isn’t very interesting, I know. Nothing really happens in it and there isn’t much imagery to it, but it caught me off guard as I thought about it again today. I had the idea to write about the experience soon after it happened while I was still running, but I, ever the proactive one, put it off. In sitting down with it today, I realize how full of shit I am.

Before I go on, I’ll give a little more context for my life. As mentioned briefly before, I’m a poor white kid. My parents are loving if occasionally abusive, or maybe abusive if occasionally loving. We live in my (deceased) grandmothers house and can’t afford any necessary repairs on it to make the place livable. My dad lost his job about a year and a half ago that was going to take him to retirement, now he works at target. My mother is a hoarder, not to the extreme you may have seen on television, but certainly well beyond what the general society might deem as healthy. She works just enough hours at the Disney Corporation’s day care so that they don’t have to give her full time benefits.

Two of my adult brothers still live at home, crowding the house further. They could, should they allot their funds correctly, afford to have their own place, but my parents discourage that sort of thing. Coming from lower middle class families, both of them have really only known economic uncertainty their whole lives. To have their children live lives separated from themselves means certain uncertainty. Plus, when you don’t have the kids at home, there’s no one left to accuse of being a burden.

I, more than any of my brothers, struggled against my parents to have a normal life. For a while I was pretty damaged; my parents fundamental conservatism really did a number on me. I was a hateful kid, saying cruel things to people that didn’t deserve it. When I got to high school, it took a little while, but I became a better person. Still prone to bouts of selfishness, I began to try a little harder for things. I quit running competitively in high school to join the theater, much to my parents chagrin, and also started dating. Naturally my parents tried putting a stop to both.

By the time I finished high school, I had cut ties with most everyone that knew me there. By its end, I had partially realized that I hadn’t progressed all that much as a person and was still rather selfish. My assumptions that people did not like me were eventually proven correct when I had finally done something that had made me worth disliking. I receded further into myself, even more aware of my deepest flaws.

Eventually I made it to college where I became more depressed than I had ever been before. Towards the end of the semester, my mom ordered me to call after weeks of ignoring her. During that phone call, I told her that I wanted to kill myself. Horrified, she said that they could afford to send me to therapy, I said no, it would be too much of a hassle and it would get to be too expensive. She was relieved and thus the matter was settled and never spoken of again.

So today, I sit in my crowded bedroom in my decaying house (yes, there are rats now) and try and write a story, a true story, about how running in the rich part of town made me sad. So often I am desperately seeking a new lede, some way to ease into the story of my life, so I come up with the flimsiest ones imaginable as opposed to just starting from the beginning. I’m no one I tell myself, so why bother in the first place? No one will read it anyway. But so often, I’m met with the same dull idea that I have a story worth telling. The cynic in me is so embarrassed to want to explain away my life that it has to invent a dialogue with no one to justify wanting to tell an over told story. The poet in me wants to make something beautiful out of my life, and will find any excuse to do so in the most meaningless of events. The realist is here with you trying to make sense of these two voices.

I am obsessed with artifice. Look anywhere in my life and you’ll see it. I’m a theater performance major. I sit at home alone and watch movies that very few people like to gage some sensationalist position on. I go running by major streets hoping that someone, anyone from my past will see me and say hello. I run to the park I took my prom pictures at for the hope that some ounce of high school happiness will be absorbed back into myself, so that I can pretend I didn’t lose all my friends from those years by being selfish. I run further into the hills because deep down I know it might lead to something worth writing about. Only to now finally realize there wasn’t much of a story there to begin with. There, or anywhere.

Self pitying is probably what most people would call this. I’ll probably call it that too. Maybe it’s a cry for help. Maybe. Or maybe it’s a desperate plea for attention from an empty audience, because the author thinks that’s most poetic of all.