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miaouerie · 4 years ago

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whumptober 2020 ------ day 30. wound reveal

@whumptober2020 Rebelcaptain Hunger Games AU: Cassian is Jyn’s mentor in the 70th Hunger Games. After being crowned victor at fifteen years old, Cassian is all-too-familiar with what it takes to bring a tribute home, and what becoming a victor really means.

content warnings: none

previous: day 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21 / 22 / 23 / 24 / 25 / 26 / 27 / 28 / 29 / → read on AO3

“And remember, Jyn: one fighter with a sharp stick and nothing to lose…”

“Can take the day,” Jyn finishes reciting faithfully.

Saw looks at her with pride, before lowering his voice. “It is my hope you’ll have more than a sharp stick in the Arena. Your mentor will be whom you rely on to improve your odds; impress him and he can get you what you need to survive. I’ve taught you plenty—but how far you get won’t be based on your fighting skills alone.”

Jyn frowns; he can only be talking about Cassian Andor. “He hasn’t brought back any of his tributes. How can I trust him to help me?”

Saw lowers his voice even further. “You can’t. He’s been in the eyes of the Capitol for too long. But he’s your only hope in the Arena. Therefore, your only hope to get out.”

Saw’s words rattle around in her head as Jyn lies in her bunk. The way the train car gently sways on its tracks as it speeds its way towards the Capitol could almost be soothing, except for the fact that they’re hurtling their way to near-certain death.

…no, she can’t think like that. She tells herself it’s only a reflexive fear, borne of the circumstances that she’s been forced into of all the sheer, rotten luck in Panem. If only she hadn’t gotten reaped, she and Saw would have been able to complete their mission, then abscond out of District 5 as planned. She could have been seeing her mother again in a week’s time. If only…

Well, no use in dwelling on it now. She turns onto her side facing the bulkhead, determined to get some shut-eye before the morning brings with it the next day.

And with the next day will come the next time she sees Cassian. What transpired a few hours ago comes to mind unbidden—she had thought herself clever for kissing him to quiet his words (was he really so foolish to not think about the train being bugged?), but after he spotted the Peacekeeper approaching he reacted in kind. Taking her into his arms in a false display of intimacy like that. And it worked; the Peacekeeper quickly left them alone.

But then there was that kiss before they bid each other goodnight. He didn’t have to kiss her then, did he?

Jyn forces herself to stop thinking so she can go to sleep.

The morning of their first full day in the Capitol has Jyn waking up to three sharp knocks on her door.

“Jyn Erso. Breakfast is in the dining room.” That Capitol accent can only belong to Davits Draven, their escort. “I’d advise you to eat before you have your meeting with your stylist.”

The stylist. Kay. She had met them and the other stylist for Joule last night when they were prepared for the Opening Ceremony. But she already knew who they were in the way that most people in the districts, from the Games’ mandatory viewing, were familiar with the faces of stylists and mentors and victors and commentators amidst the ever-changing pool of tributes. Kay’s surgical augmentations were distinctive compared to the Capitol trends that ranged between somewhat natural and grotesque; his body was covered with a matte chrome synth skin, save for his face and hands which were kept as—presumably—his own pale skin tone. His eyes shone with a luminescence in the viewing stands that she could see from the chariot as the horses pulled to a stop around the City Circle during last night’s Opening Ceremony.

Jyn gets out of bed, selects a normal-looking outfit from the closet, and joins the rest of the party in the dining room. Joule is talking to Cassian, probably for the first time since he went catatonic at the reaping. But at the sound of the glass doors sliding open, their attention is turned to her.

“Good morning Jyn,” Cassian says, his tone perfectly placid. “Care for some breakfast?”

She sits there and eats quietly while the conversation flows around her. Compared to the intensity that radiated off of him last night, his conversation with Joule gives off the feeling of being polite yet distant; she vaguely wonders if he wrote off her district partner as she already has.

At the conclusion of their breakfast and after Draven comes to collect Joule first for the meeting with his stylist, Cassian crosses over to her side of the table and sits down next to her. “He’s pleasant enough,” he says about Joule, “but I’m not convinced he has a chance to make it out of the bloodbath if he freezes up like that again.” He gives her a wry look. “I trust that I don’t have to worry about that with you?”

Jyn knows he’s thinking about the way she slammed the cabin door shut on the train and then tried to fight her way through a squadron of Peacekeepers; she recalls the memory with a grin. “Trust goes both ways, right? I’ll show you what I’ve got in the Training Center.”

Draven brings the three of them down to the level that houses the enormous gymnasium they’re to train in for the next three days and leaves them there. Joule seems at a loss for what to do but Cassian offers to point out some of the more useful, rudimentary survival skill stations, so Jyn decides to take her own tour around the periphery.

There’s the weapon stations, of course: swords, spears, knife-throwing and the like. Then there’s the skill stations, like knot tying and snares and camouflage. Then she sees there are trainers available for hand-to-hand combat.

Her hands have been itching to come to blows with someone since that Peacekeeper held a gun to her head and Draven informed her, in his gratingly crisp Capitol accent, that there was no escaping the fate decided for her the moment her name was drawn in the reaping. She decided right then and there she was going to change it in her favor.

So she goes to the combat station and easily spars with a Capitol attendant there. It’s just like sparring with Uncle Saw, so with a few words and a jerk of her head she has the other trainers that were supposed to be available for other tributes join in; first, as two against her, and then she takes on all three. The sparring match finally ends when she’s knocked to the ground and a foot is planted firmly on her chest, but the grin the trainer’s giving her doesn’t seem mean-spirited as they help her back up. It’s only while she takes a moment to fix her bun and catch her breath that she sees what an audience she’s gathered, including attention from the Gamemakers, and that’s when the lunch session is called.

Disappointingly, Cassian is nowhere to be seen when she quickly scans the people who had been watching her. But she does accept the invitation from the Career pack to sit at their table for lunch.

Jyn doesn’t see Cassian again until that evening after Draven comes to collect them back up to their floor in the Tower. He’s sitting in the dining room with Kay, in different clothes than she saw him in that morning. Not that she noticed.

“I heard you impressed quite a few people in training today,” Cassian says as they eat their dinner. “How was she, Joule?”

Joule has gone quiet again. He fleetingly makes eye contact between her and Cassian before he nods his head, once.

Jyn decides to save them from the awkward pause that’ll follow. “If you stuck around, perhaps you would’ve seen it.”

A look of surprise crosses his face before Cassian lets out a short laugh. “I would’ve loved to see you sweep three trainers, but I’ll have to wait and see you in the Games. It’s up to you if you want to team up with the Careers or not but you’ve certainly got their attention, both as a potential ally and an enemy; take care to remember that. I want the both of you to check out all the weapons stations to get an idea of what will be available in the Arena but make sure you spend enough time learning survival skills. And Joule…”

The stricken sixteen-year-old boy looks up.

Cassian softens his tone. “I’m doing my best to secure sponsors for both of you. It’ll pay off in the Arena but I need you to survive for that to happen, so make the best of the next two training days and then we’ll go over final interview strategy with Draven. Alright?”

Surely he must know that Joule doesn’t stand a chance, Jyn thinks. But there’s something in the set of his shoulders, giving her the impression that he’s giving himself a pep talk as much as he is to them.

The evening following their private sessions with the Gamemakers is when the tributes’ evaluation scores are released. For the gamblers the scores dictated the odds to bet on in macabre betting pools; for the tributes, each score was a sign of who’s a threat and who can be ignored or—for the Careers—who will be easy pickings. When Jyn’s picture is shown on the screen followed by a 11, the others congratulate her and she smiles her thanks as she thinks about Saw. Is he watching her on national broadcast? He has to be, if he’s still in District 5. Would he feel proud of her so far?

But then she has an upsetting thought: what if he’s already left the district? What if he was able to complete the mission without her and he’s already gone off to the rendezvous? What if he’s already written her off as good as dead?

She can’t afford to think about that. After dinner she goes to the roof, wanting to get some air and privacy without locking herself up in her room. This will be the only time she’ll let herself cry, and then it’s game on. Tomorrow is the last day before the Games begin, and she’ll be spending the entirety of it with Draven and Cassian.

She finds a bench to sit down on, draws her knees up to her chest and hugs her face to her thighs. It takes a moment for the tears to come, as unused to crying as she is, but she lets out the sobs and sniffles as much as she’s able to without letting herself dwelling too much on her doubts.

When someone sits down next to her she somehow already knows it’s Cassian. He lightly touches her shoulder as if to ask permission, and when she finally peeks at him from the shelter of her arms he scoots a little closer and carefully wraps a comforting arm around her back.

They stay like that for a while until Jyn’s sure the tears have dried up. Then she asks, “Why’d you follow me up here?”

“I’m your mentor. You’re my tribute,” he says with amusement, as if the answer should’ve been obvious. “But… I wanted make sure you’re alright. You’ve held up strong so far, Jyn. I know you’re committed to winning this thing.”

“I am, it’s just…” Jyn bites her lip. “I can’t help being nervous.”

“Nobody can.”

“I keep thinking about the worst.”

“…Do you want help getting your mind off of it?”

Jyn can’t help how her lips quirk up at that. “Why, are you offering?”

Cassian doesn’t hesitate. “Whatever you need. I said it on the first night; I want to help you in any way possible.”

She knows there’s suggestive intent in his words. But the way that he says it expresses a pure, earnest wish to help.

So, she doesn’t feel bad when she leans in to kiss him.

She can’t help but think about that last kiss and the make-out session that followed each time a silver parachute comes to her in the Arena. She’s received ten so far; in the past Games Jyn’s watched, it’s the Careers who receive the most gifts from sponsors eager to help their favored tributes win. While there were some morally repugnant people in the districts who were betting on the same tributes, ultimately only those in the Capitol could impact the odds; nobody in the districts had that much spare money to frittle away gambling on the deaths of children.

As the Games continued on, the price of sending gifts and aid increased. Even in the Capitol there was a hierarchy to sponsorship, with only the wealthiest sponsors holding sway in the endgame. The Games commentators often interviewed those uber philanthropists on the public broadcast of the Games and so Jyn even knew some of their names: Laertes Crake, Cygnus Vondel, Trimalchio Plena. Having made it this far, she wonders if any of the boons she’s received were sponsored by any of them.

It’s nighttime in the Arena. Jyn rests in the shadows of a ruined entryway, taking care to remain concealed. An unnaturally full moon illuminates the ruins of the game field; the Gamemakers made it so that each night alternated between bright moonlight and the darkness of a new moon. With each night, instead of resting, the tributes found themselves playing a deadly game of moving shadows and evasion and hunts in the dark.

Jyn wouldn’t have gotten this far in the Games without Cassian’s help; he had sent her heat vision goggles early on. The gift enabled her to evade the other tributes until more death cannons were fired, and when it came time to go on the offensive she had a frightening advantage.

But that boy from the Career pack must have gotten his hands on a pair too, because how else could he have known she was going to ambush them? He’d cut her with his blade, poisoning her with a paralytic, and she had genuinely believed she was going to die that very night. But true to her mentor’s word, the sight of a silver parachute some hours into the darkness of a new moon cut through her panic; inside was a sweet syrup that faded away the worsening stiffness in her body and left her feeling rejuvenated. She was able to get some good, actual rest for once that night.

This night hopefully she will, too. Tomorrow will be the day she has to attack the alliance stronghold, otherwise the Gamemakers might decide to set muttations on them or create some other disaster to force them into action. As she starts to doze she thinks about him. Cassian.

Going into the Games she knew she had an advantage not even the Career tributes could fathom, by virtue of being secretly trained in insurgent and resistance tactics by her uncle. But she had also known that what Saw said in their last words to each other was right: she wouldn’t make it far without help from her mentor. She would make it past the bloodbath and survive maybe a few days, but when the real challenges began she’d get killed by something or other, and there’d go any chance of her making it back to District 5 to complete the mission and get away with Saw.

While Jyn knew she must have earned some sponsors with her score from the Gamemakers’ evaluations, Cassian was ultimately the one in charge of handling them and dispensing gifts to her in the Arena. He might even have marshalled for her cause when she was in dire straits, such as when she got poisoned by that blade. Back in the Capitol he must be doing a lot for her and she can’t even begin to grasp what all of that could possibly entail; she owed him more than she could put words to.

And better still yet, after each night and day of fighting to stay alive, it felt nice and reassuring to be cared for. To know that somewhere beyond the Arena there was somebody from back home who was doing everything they could to help you. Because they believed in you. If she died in the ensuing struggle tomorrow she could at least die knowing that.

But if… when she wins, it wouldn’t be a lie to say she’s looking forward to seeing him again. To thank him. To let him know he sustained her both physically and emotionally throughout the Games. That just thinking of their last kiss on the rooftop did something to help to temper her fears, soothe her nerves after the stress of each day, and feel more ready to face the world about to kill her.

She thinks about these things, tucks them into the warm recesses of her heart. She might be facing certain death tomorrow but she won’t let his help be in vain.

And then disaster strikes with the earthquake.

Time is moving too erratically for Jyn to keep up.

It had seemed immeasurably long when the earth and the Arena shook beneath her feet, sifting the crumbling ruins to dust and debris on top and around her. It was a miracle that she was still alive, that the collapse of ruins she was by had pinned her leg to the ground beneath two walls that fell to support each other. Her heart beat in absolute terror, loudly and wildly out of her chest, as she waited for the dust to settle and for any possible aftershocks to finally strike her dead.

But time sped up once more once she had freed herself and made it to the general location that the alliance hideout formerly was. One moment she was emerging from her almost-tomb and in the next moment she’s leaning against the remains of a doorway to catch her breath, hardly knowing how many tributes she could take on or how many even survived.

When that dust-covered hand grabbed her ankle she had fallen in slow motion; after the eternity of one long second she was on her back, coughing as the wind was knocked out of her. Then it took several minutes to dig out her last foe—slitting her throat had only taken a second—and longer minutes still for her to bleed out and die.

Then a hovercraft whisks her away from the Arena faster than she could blink. But when it touches down and she disembarks in a stumble, the first person she sees is Cassian.

He looked as beautiful as anyone Jyn had ever known; time slows down in the beat of two seconds but she doesn’t even make it into his arms before she feels a prick and her vision suddenly tunnels out. But she still saw him, and when she sees him still in the strange, continual twilight the sedatives keep her under she’s comforted.

He’s there when she wakes up.

It takes a while for the disorientation to wear off, but when it does she realizes that the warmth in her left hand is his hand holding hers, gently. Her vision’s still blurry but she doesn’t need to wait for it to clear to know that it’s Cassian sitting next to her, just like she knew it was him that night on the roof. Aside from his genuine smile he looks so flawlessly styled—manufactured—as all things were in the Capitol. She had liked the scruff on his jawline and the stubble heading down his throat from when they had boarded the train, but after they arrived Kay had personally made sure Cassian’s facial hair was meticulously groomed. Not a hair where it needn’t be.

She wonders how long it will take to grow back once they’re back in District 5. Back home in District 5…

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“How long have I been out for?”

“Five days. The poison that Career used to paralyze you came from a muttation; they had to detoxify your blood and run a lot of tests to make sure that it was all gone. Now, how are you feeling?”

Jyn tries to answer, but the way Cassian is looking at her makes her feel a little floaty, a little warm; like maybe the sedatives haven’t fully worn off yet. But she does manage to say, “I’m feeling okay. Thank you. Really. For taking care of me in there.”

Cassian’s gaze softens to something less intense, but still profound. He looked at her the same way after their make-out session on the rooftop, so she isn’t surprised when he leans in to kiss her.

He has to prop one arm on the other side of the bed to steady himself as their lips meet. It’s soft, chaste; they meet again, and again, and then he leans in close to her ear.

“Do you remember our first kiss on the train?”

Of course she does. “I do; why?”

“Can you pretend like that for me again? Once we’re out of here?”

It’s said like a flirt, but his words snap Jyn back to full awareness of their situation: she has just won the 70th Hunger Games. She had been resting and unconscious for the past few days but once she’s discharged Kay and the prep team are going to prepare her for the Closing Ceremony. To be paraded in front of the Capitol on Panem’s national broadcast as the newest victor, with her stylist, prep team, escort, and mentor. And then she will be crowned by President Snow.

Her mind flits over all of their conversations. Are they in trouble? They had talked about treasonous things, but that was under the sound of a thousand tinkling wind chimes; she’s sure that Cassian wouldn’t have brought her there for a private talk to be eavesdropped on.

Or by ‘pretend’, does he mean how they faked a passionate moment to deflect suspicion?

That must be it; she can read in his face the plea for her to understand. With him this close to her, she notices there’s a tension to his body that belies the playfulness of his words.

Jyn nods before reaching to pull him closer to her and kiss him again. For now she wants to ease his worry; Cassian will tell her in due time, and then they can face it together. After the last two weeks Jyn is confident they can.

#whumptober2020 #no.30 #wound reveal #rogue one #the hunger games #fic #sacchi writes #cassian andor #jyn erso #rebelcaptain #we finally got here lads #no warnings except if you've been keeping up with this story expect a boatload of dramatic irony angst #word count: 3.6k

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smearsyd · 4 years ago

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Day Again | Sehun | Part Two

Kim Haru knows loss. She knows what it means to miss someone, to find out what isolation looks like in the flesh. These things, she expects them and she patiently waits for the day she may wake up and greet them as griefs of the past.

What she does not expect, is the same grief reflected back in another’s face. She doesn’t expect to find solace through this person either, nor does she expect to cherish her days with him, rather than wait them away.

characters:

+ oh sehun (exo), you as kim haru (because names are important)

what to expect:

+ christmas + friends to lovers + fluff and romance

warnings:

+ mentions of death, grief + sensitive topics

length:

+ five parts + 30k plus total

read it here: (updating… stay tuned)

+ masterlist + part one + part two + part three

author’s note:

+ this chapter was very sweet to write, i hope you enjoy ☀️

if you want to be tagged, please reply to the masterlist!

Thanks for dinner last Sunday… I can’t remember if I said that when I was with you so I thought I would message 1:21 AM

Wow I just realized how late it is, I hope these don’t wake you! 1:22 AM

Give me a call when you feel like it… I am here if you need me 1:24 AM

Sleep well, Haru-ya 1:30 AM

I clung the phone to my chest, a yawn creeping through the small smile that had worked its way onto my lips. I had forgotten that I had saved his name as Sehunnie Oppa~ in my contacts with two hearts following, but it was a pleasant surprise to wake up to, nonetheless. It feels like just yesterday that I had been gifted this phone for my sixteenth birthday; Sehun’s number was the first one to go in— right after my brother, of course.

We used to stay up late messaging one another in a three-way group chat that consisted mostly of me sending outrageous photos of myself that I knew would only be used as collateral damage in the future. I sent them anyway, though, just so I could get equally outrageous photos of the boys back. Never once did they fail in making the next worse than the last, nor at making me laugh until I felt like my head would explode or I might pee myself.

The morning light was peeking in through the soft, white curtains and basking the room in its warm yellow tones. The window across my bed has always faced perfectly to the rising sun, not too bright to be a nuisance, but not too soft that I couldn’t enjoy it. I realized with a pang against my chest that this would most likely be the last time I am able to see it; the last time I can stare at these walls and the small nuances that have grown into the roots of this house.

My height inscribed on the closet door of the pantry, as if he had written it only days ago; the small dent in the living room wall from the one time a Wii Remote was chucked across the room; Haru and Oppa written in permanent marker in the bathroom (I had gotten in quite the trouble for that one); everything that made this house so familiar, so filled with memories, I would be leaving behind.

A big part of me was in-denial that I would allow myself to walk away from what this house offers me— all the memories that are not just mine to remember. The even bigger part of me, however, knows that it’s time to make new memories and I can’t do that if I am being suffocated by that in which lost its heartbeat long ago. I know Sehun was right too, Oppa would want me to be happy and he would want me to do what’s best for me, even if it is hard or uncomfortable in the beginning. In the reverse of feeling, he still gives me strength as if he has been here, guiding me along the whole way.

Sehun too, even if he doesn’t know it yet.

A week? Is that how long it’s been since I last saw him? Even from the short time he was with me, the warming comfort of his arms seemed to have engrained themselves in my memory. That smile too, was it always so bright? I can’t remember anymore, but those feelings he leaves me with, they haven’t changed.

I miss him.

I clicked my phone on, the time stamp reading 8:49 AM— it’s almost nine. Is that too early to call? My finger hovered over his contact in anticipation and I felt as if I were suddenly blooming petals in a sea of butterflies.

What if he is sleeping still? And if I wake him?

I shook the nervousness from my mind with a calming breath. He told me to call, so why wouldn’t I? I hit the green dial button and waited as the tone rang quietly in the background, placing the phone delicately to my ear. Two long, infinitely long rings passed and somewhere in the middle of them I had curled under the plush comforter, rising it to cover my mouth as if I was a child embarrassed about calling their cru—

“Hello?”

I snapped up, the comforter floating down around me as I quickly whispered back, “Did I wake you?”

Sehun’s breathing halted for only a moment, a light chuckle gracing my ears as it passed. I found that my shoulders relaxed from the soothing sound. “No good morning Oppa? Not even a simple hello?”

I grumbled on the outside, but a wave of heat attacked the rounds of my cheeks, nonetheless. I played it off the best I could.

“Pshhh, who says that anymore? Just answer the question.”

He seemed content with my answer, an audible snort being heard through the phone. “Haru-ya, sleep alludes me even now…” He hummed like a sigh that spoke of giving up— I understood the notion all too well.

I can almost picture the small smile that would be sitting on the bend of his lips, his hand curled around the edge of the phone. I wonder what he has been doing. “Did you get my texts? It’s been awhile since we messaged last.”

I hummed into the phone, fiddling with a loose string of my blanket that was somehow more interesting than it was a second ago. “I read them when I woke up… You know you don’t have to thank me for that kind of stuff.” Another moment of silence passed, but I could feel his steady presence as he listened, as if he knew I called for more than to say that.

“Sehunnie,” I murmured against a gulp of hesitance, “I signed the lease on the new house. I am moving out this weekend.”

It was with this that his breath hitched, stopping completely for a second, or maybe even two, before finally going back to normal. And when he spoke, his voice became somewhat gravely, like perhaps he had been sleeping and was just hiding it up to this point. The thought dipped me in a honey-like feeling of sweetness.

“And you’re alright?”

The question was simple, the answer though? I’m still trying to figure it out myself. “Maybe. I know that it will be hard to leave, but I feel ready, I think.” I settled on what felt safe, what I knew he could understand. “I just have to worry about packing all of this stuff up now. And in two days at that.” My voice filled with slight humor and a short chuckle fell from my lips, but when he didn’t laugh too, I knew he had seen through me.

“You’re packing by yourself?” He questioned, dropping the heavy questions I knew he itched to ask; I was grateful, for I didn’t know how much of that I could handle before deciding it wasn’t worth it. “That seems like a lot to take on with just you.”

“Girls can get things done too, you know.” I grumbled into the phone as a desperate distraction, my eyes burning from the softness of his voice and the pressure of trying to always hold everything in. “It won’t be too hard, just might take me a few more days that a manly tree hauling guy like you.”

Sehun snorted, again, and for a second, it sounded so relieved that whatever tension that had been slowly encroaching into us was banished just as easily as it was formed. “Yah, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I?” I teased, pretending not to let on— in which he let out a small groan that I could practically feel in my own chest. I had to hold in indulging giggle from spilling out through the phone. “Go on, repent your sins. Did getting a degree make you feel superior to women?”

Sehun’s groan was even louder this time. “Right, because getting a degree in basically trees makes me feel so confident.”

“Oh wow, so what you’re saying is that Environmental Science isn’t manly enough for you now?”

“Forget it, I’m hanging up.”

“Have a good day Oppa~” I teased, catching the tail end of playfully frustrated chuckles. Then the line went quiet and I was alone once more. The room, though, felt somehow lighter than it did before, as if the house had absorbed some of our laughter and distributed it throughout the space.

I fell back onto the bed and took in the curves of the ceiling, the peaceful silence of the empty rooms, and all of the memories that lived in it. Then I breathed it out.

It’s time.

…

“Finished!” I exclaimed in satisfaction, wrapping the box up tightly and moving it to the side. Five hours later and I have finished… just the kitchen? An exasperated groan escaped my mouth as I took in the whole house that was completely and utterly, untouched.

I slumped against the cooled material of the kitchen counter and rested my eyes shut. A part of me knew that I was only dragging my feet because the kitchen was the only space that wasn’t a danger. In here, it was filled with me. The pots and pans were ones I had bought. The pantry was food that suited my taste. The dishes were only ones I had eaten out of.

The rest of the house, though, was ridden with him— maybe even more so than me. His blanket lay untouched on the back of the couch as a lingering scent. His favorite book was resting, eyes closed, on the coffee table half unread where he had decided to start it once more. The walls formed a skin of pictures he had taken, and he had hung up.

He was everywhere I turned, buried in this house as a sunken display of time’s cruel expression. I was nothing more than encroaching in a mausoleum that was once breathing and ours, rather than mine or his. Uprooting myself, felt like uprooting him.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I waited.

It was then that the doorbell rang.

I jumped what felt like three feet in the air out of pure surprise, a gush of goosebumps raising the delicate hairs on my arms and neck to a standstill.

“Okay,” I muttered. “I hear you.”

I took a calming breath and collected my shaking fingers as I made my way over to the front door, squeezing through a few boxes on the way. The curtains were cool against my touch, and as I pulled them back, four familiar faces greeted me as if time itself had restarted.

My head, or maybe that was my heart, felt as if it were spinning in excitement, my hands not fast enough to open the latches and throw the thin barrier open between us. And then the door was open, and I was jumping into the gentle embrace of the closest boy towards me.

“Yixing!” A shocked exclamation spewed from my mouth as he caught me mid Surprise! Strong arms twirled me around like a cashed-in year old hug and something in me felt like I was ten again and being doted on by my brother’s older, handsome friends.

“Your reaction was priceless!” He chuckled with that endearing dimpled smile, setting me down and immediately coming to cup my face between his big palms. “Haru-ya, it’s been too long. When did you get so cute?”

A flurry of emotions ran through me and I felt tears threatening to spill over. “Every time you looked away,” I joked, my voice thick as a single tear fell down my face.

Yixing sent me a small, sympathetic smile, but before he could respond, a playful gasp was heard from behind him and he was suddenly pushed aside. Minseok’s widened, panicking eyes filled my vision as he wiped my tear away, pulling me into his chest with protective arms.

“Oppa,” the tears didn’t seem to stop, even when I willed them too. Minseok still smelled like brewed coffee beans and his usually wispy black hair was freshly cut.

“I missed you too, pumpkin.” He kept me close, his hands soothing against my back. “You can be mad at Oppa for not visiting, but you can’t cry. Your brother would kill us if he knew we made you cry.”

I pulled back, nodding slightly as he brushed my tears away. “I am mad at you,” I huffed like he was the best remedy for a poor sight, his sly lips curling on the ends as he took in my best attempt to be cute.

I shook my head and pushed him aside, feeling like my composure was somehow sliding back in place. That was until I took in the steady gaze of Kyungsoo. His head was turned slightly to the side and the most calming smile was titling his lips up on the corners. My eyes started to water again, and his already round ones became even more rounded.

“No,” he half-threatened. “I’ll walk away right now and not come back for another year if you start again.”

I straightened right away, saluting him as if he were my captain. He let out an endearing grunt before his guard fell away, taking a step forward to wrap me in a hug that was as equally as tight and protective as the two before him.

I eyed Sehun standing shortly behind us, his stormy eyes gazing at the four of us before landing quietly on me. I mouthed a messy thank you, a swell of appreciation filling my heart as he merely shrugged his shoulders before looking down at his feet.

“I can’t believe you are all here,” I gaped, gazing between the four boys, men really, who I had always looked up to. It’s been a year since I have seen all of their faces, and even then, it wasn’t a day that I wanted to remember clearly. The feelings, rather, was what stayed.

“Well,” Minseok quirked his eyebrow at Sehun, “someone practically begged us to come over. And how could I refuse a visit to see you?” A small smirk took over his face as we filed through the front door. I pretended to gag, turning my nose up at him. The boys broke out into a hearty laughter and before Minseok could defend himself, Yixing was smacking his back with a resonating pop.

“The best part is that we bought pizza and plenty of boxes!” Yixing gushed. “Oh, and beer too!”

Sehun lugged all of the food and drinks he bought onto the kitchen counter and the boys instantly dug in as if they were in their own home, which in a way, is true considering how much time they spent here with Sehun and Oppa growing up. A pang went through my heart as I watched them laughing casually and kidding around with one another like they always had.

A space was missing, an important puzzle piece to the picture of five that had been reduced down to a portrait of four, but they managed. Somehow, it seemed that they had all consumed a little of him inside of themselves.

I could see his look of quiet, but kidding, judgement for all of the stupid remarks they would make blooming into Kyungsoo’s eyes. His bright smile and goofy, overly loud laugh morphing into Yixing’s own. His snarky remarks and mischievous antics bubbling out of Minseok. And then in Sehun, it seemed that they had always been one in the same. But when Sehun looks at me, sometimes it feels like he was gifted all the love my brother had, to keep for himself in his heart. Together, I could feel him alive again, living alongside them and laughing like he had never left us.

At some point, Yixing had turned music on and the house filled with their singing and the upbeat pop that seemed to fit their personalities so well. Without a word to me, they started to put boxes together and pack up the things I was not strong enough to.

I watched his name get written on a few boxes by Kyungsoo, everyone stopping briefly to glance before Yixing made some silly joke and then the blanket was folded neatly in there, along with the book and his other items I had failed to put up. With every box they closed tightly shut and placed by the door, the house seemed to sigh in relief.

The air was clearer, and the music was brighter.

The day had somehow escaped us, and all the beer magically disappeared, but we worked hard enough to actually pack everything up into neat boxes in the living room. All except for one room.

Kyungsoo sighed. His face, like everyone else, was flowered red and puffy from the beer. We had been messing around for some time, dancing to the music and reheating cold pizza as if we had finished the job. I think we all knew what we were doing, but it seemed like Kyungsoo was the only one with enough courage to say it.

“We do have to go in there at some point.”

Yixing looked down at his feet, clearing his throat. Minseok too, who was casually hugging me from behind and getting dirty looks from Sehun, pulled me a little closer to him. I knew that it couldn’t be avoided; I didn’t want to avoid it. But there was something unspeakable, a wall of silence, per say, that stood like a translucent barrier of water around his door. That space, for so many reasons, was something I cut myself off to a long time ago to soften the blow of his absence. I could handle the nuances of the house, but his room, that was a different kind of weight that sunk into your skin and pulled the air from your lungs.

Sehun’s stormy gaze fell upon me with a shade of tender grey— his way of asking a question. I nodded silently and then he was opening the door and the barrier was washing away. All of us stood a little taller and the music disappeared from the background as we slowly made our way inside.

It was just as I remembered it, untouched and so, so filled with him. The bed wasn’t made, and the closet was open with a fresh pair of clothes sitting on the edge of his desk as if he was planning on changing into them the next morning.

I felt stuck in place, my body numb as I stared at the bed in trepidation. It was deadly silent then, and even when Yixing sniffed, reaching up to brush his face, I paid no attention. There seemed to be a valley between where I stood and the spot where he last rested, the space growing with every second we stood. My ears were ringing, and my chest was burning right down the center, and I no longer felt that I was breathing or that I even needed to.

Why?

Why did you have to go?

Where did you go?

Where things too hard?

The void I had been staring into became filled then and warm hands enveloped my frozen ones in their own. Sehun. Sehun radiated a yellow orange that penetrated the overbearing black, his bright dawn blotting out what had become blurry and guided me back into focus.

I peeled my eyes from the bed as if they had been stuck to a string of tacky glue, to finally land them on those brooding eyes of his. They drew me in and breathed me out.

“We can do this,” he whispered like a promise, his hand rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. “Remember, one day at a time, like you said.

“Just tell me what to do, and well do it together.”

I swallowed it all down and found myself at the top, nodding, nodding to all four of them which had been waiting for my approval. I stepped aside and watched as one by one they entered on their own and swallowed it down too.

Kyungsoo let out a long sigh that had everyone looking at him. He seemed to be doing that quite often today. I tilted my head in question.

“You know…” he started around a small, slowly building heart-shaped smile and nostalgic, wandering eyes. “He would think we are being so stupid right now.”

Yixing picked up Oppa’s guitar and brushed the thin layer of dust that had settled on its strings. “You’re right,” he added. “He would probably say something to the extent of you dumbasses are really going to hesitantly walk in here when every other time you would barge in and fuck everything up!?” He impersonated, his hands going around in circles just like he used to do.

His remark cut the tension in half and all of us let out small chuckles of our own. “You guys really did used to fuck everything up,” I remarked, leaning against the door frame with a shake to my head.

Minseok’s lips thinned as he tried to stop himself from laughing. “Remember when we broke his bed on accident?”

“First of all, there was no ‘we’ in that and secondly, on accident?” Kyungsoo asked in exasperation. “If I recall correctly, which I am positive I am, you were the one who said, ‘I wonder how mad he would get if we broke his bed,’ and then proceeded to catapult yourself onto his already creaky bed until it literally broke in the middle.”

“Look—” Minseok started with that don’t disrespect your Hyung voice, “you can’t talk to me like that.”

Kyungsoo snorted and somehow, we all ended up evolved in laughter. The amusement rang through us and coated the walls in orange and yellow. Maybe we were only laughing to fill the gaping hole, or maybe we truly were happy. Happy to be in here, happy to breath in here after so long.

The boys began packing up the individual things they wanted to hold on to. I let Yixing, who would always come over and make up random songs with Oppa, take his guitar and collection of vintage albums home.

I let Minseok, who Oppa always called to ask what book to read next, sift through his over spilling collection for the ones he always secretly wanted.

I let Kyungsoo, who never failed to buy Oppa a journal so he could figure out his crazy ass mind, take them all back home to read through, or simply have— even the ones that were mere doodles and torn up grocery lists.

I didn’t ask Sehun what he wanted, though. I knew that would be too hard of a question, for I knew he wanted everything, anything, to hold onto. Instead, I squeezed his hand and we entered the room together. We gravitated apart, but that was only natural.

For the next few hours, we cleared his room into five piles. What was left, I had to let go of.

At some point, Kyungsoo had changed into one of Oppa’s old t-shirts and Yixing had passed out on his bed, his mouth gaping open in a picturesque look. Everyone was yawning and on the brink of exhaustion, but we had gotten it done and that was a feat in of itself.

We helped move their boxes into Minseok’s car before Kyungsoo hauled a half asleep and definitely unhelping Yixing into the car, only waking slightly to promise that he would come over when I set my new house up.

“Thanks for everything, I suppose.”

I breathed out into the cool sky, smiling lightly at Minseok and Kyungsoo as they leaned against the car. “You have to visit me every once in a while, okay? No more of this prolonged exile.”

Soo nodded in agreement, pulling me in for a tight hug that was mixed in the comfort of his own presence, but also my brothers. I squeezed him tightly before muttering a lingering goodbye and watching him get in the car.

“Minseokie Oppa,” I whined, not wanting him to leave. He was the only person who could make me act so childish, but sometimes I was thankful for that and I think he was too.

“Aw pumpkin, I know.” He embraced me in his arms, patting my messy hair down. “Oppa loves you and if you ever need anything, you know I am only a phone call away. Although,” he quirked his eyes behind me as he pulled back to whisper in my ear, “I think you’re in good hands.”

He gave me a quick peck on the forehead before stepping into the car.

I somehow ended up leaning against Sehun’s chest as we waved goodbye to the trio, my frame fitting perfectly in his. It wasn’t until they were completely out of sight that we slowly made our way back inside.

We fell down onto the couch in a huff, looking around at the emptied, unrecognizable space before coming to rest our eyes upon one another. Our heads were barely apart and although I felt only moments from falling into what I hoped would be a pleasant dream, those stormy eyes almost willed me to stay just as we are, gazing, truly looking.

“Thank you,” I murmured, coming a little closer to his warmth. “Thank you for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me for these things,” he repeated my line from this morning, an upward bend gracing his lips. His hand came up and pushed a lock of hair from my cheek, twisting it lightly around his finger before tucking it away. “I’m here for you, just like I know you are for me. So, when you need help, or you just want someone to talk to, come to me.”

“Only if you come to me too.” I set my stare straight and he took a long breath through his nose, his eyes falling for a second before coming back to mine in a lingering gaze. He always seemed to convey so much in those eyes. He’s not so strong on the inside, I know that even if he wishes I didn’t, but when he looks at me with that light grey of vulnerability, I swear I melt out and into him.

His eyes speak, even when he won’t.

My body moved before I did, naturally pulling him into me as if we had always meant for things to be this way, for it to feel this way with one another. His head sunk into my shoulder and my arms went around his torso, binding us together like satin and silk. I imagine that he was tired of pretending to be okay when his heartbeat slowed to reach the pace of mine, as if conscious that we shared even the deepest of locked away secrets.

I shut my eyes and rested against him until nothing else existed. Not the house, or our friends, not even our bodies, maybe not even our minds. We simply existed, heartbeat and heartbeat.

That was enough.

It felt like a lifetime had passed when I was lifted lightly into his arms and carried away. He set me in the plush bed and brushed a delicate kiss against my forehead. Half asleep, I grabbed his slim fingers in mine.

“Stay.”

And then he was holding me once more, shaping me like molten shatters of the sky to fit into the dawn of his side.

“Always.”

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gothify1 · 5 years ago

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OK, team, it's time for a little mid-December holiday shopping check-in. How's it going? While I encourage you to maintain your sanity by all means during this wild time, I also want to remind you that there are only a couple of weeks left until the big show. If you haven't started shopping yet, it's not too late! It is time to take action, though, and there are no better giving options than beauty gift sets to really get cooking on that shopping list . I. Love. Beauty. Gift. Sets. Seriously, they're a passion of mine. Not only are they an easy intro to brands we're curious about, but they also make for the most thoughtful gifts (hence, the name). But, of course, all gift set are not created equal. Among the many compelling reasons to bye them for ourselves and our loved ones, there are also a handful of traps these mini product collections often employ that make them unworthy of space in our lives. 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Really consider what's included in the collection, and whether those items would go to good use. Gift sets tend to have special packaging, signifying a seasonal theme. We're all about some gold leafing on the box, but we take serious issue with gift sets that employ highly unnecessary packaging, like extra plastic wrappings, boxes, and sectionals. Not only does this practice tend to be a cover-up for the fact that there's not as much actual product inside that package as it seems, but it's just plain wasteful. The point of a value set is–you guessed it–to deliver some sort of value. If a set costs more than buying each of the products inside individually, then there's really no point in spending the extra coins just to have them neatly packaged together. Samples are a wonderful way for consumers to get acquainted with a brand, which is why retailers like Nordstrom and Sephora routinely offer them...for free. If you're investing in a gift set full of testers, I'm sorry to tell you that you're doing it all wrong. Deluxe samples are about as small an item as you should pay for. Healthy hair, anyone? Any haircare fanatic will appreciate this discovery set of French favorites. I don't play games, but when I do, it's in the name of a good hair day. While you're nursing some epic hangovers this holiday season, treat you hair to some TLC, too. Commemorate the holidays with an at home spa day. Detoxify your bod wherever, whenever. Who's due for a shower product upgrade? Snag this set for the pal who needs to relax this season. Now, this is a set you'll probably want to keep for yourself. No judgment! You deserve nice things, too. You really can't go wrong with Jo Malone. I'm pretty sure heaven is scented with Boy Smells candles. The natural beauty guru in your life deserves to spritz a new, clean fragrance in the new year. Is there anything better than a Herbivore bath set? I think not. Get the salon manicure look at home with this collection of high-shine, long-lasting polishes. A box full of nail tools to help you achieve the best at-home manicure of your life? Sold. Discover your new favorite shade of nail polish with this set of 24 mini-bottles. Do you know someone who's constantly polishing on the go? She'll love this non-toxic set of essentials. This soothing oil and textures jade roller are must-haves for combating indulgence-related facial swelling this season. Trust me: the Glossier stans in your life want this. This is the perfect collection of products to ward off the winter blues. Tone, hydrate, and soften your skin in three easy steps. This is the perfect gift for that friend who swears she doesn't need to wear sunscreen everyday. Before there was hangover brunch, there was hangover skincare. This tried-and-true set of Caudalie classics will excite any true beauty lover on your list. Brighten up that mug, just in time for the new year. When all else fails, French pharmacy favorites are always there to save the day. Who doesn't love a classic Burt's Bees moment? Give the gift of celebrity skincare favorites. This line is beloved by everyone from J. Lo to Victoria Beckham. Your gua sha curious comrade will be pleasantly surprised to open this chic set. Kiehl's is always a good idea. If you know anyone who's been toying with the idea of hopping on the Drunk Elephant train, this comprehensive set might just be the deciding factor. Dewy skin is always in. Whether you're shopping for a first time La Mer user or a superfan of the brand, this gift is sure to impress. This is a dream kit for the Sephora lovers in your life, who are always down to try the latest and greatest in skincare. Noni fruit and turmeric drive this range of brightening, purifying skincare favorites. Plus, they're totally clean. Introduce a friend to this cool-girl approved line of clean cosmetics. Even the girl who has everything will be impressed with this luxe box of makeup artist-approved clean beauty essentials. This one's for the Little Monsters. It's all about the eyes. This luxe set is the perfect gift for anyone who believes that red lipstick and black mascara are the keys to life. (It's me...I'm anyone.) With clear, pink, and bronze balms, this set is the only thing you'll need to create a naturally flushed and glowy face. You can never have too much liquid eyeliner. (Especially when it's vegan and cruelty-free.) Up next, 11 Perfumes Every Fashion Girl Will Be Wearing This Winter.

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sweetiecutiedarling · 7 years ago

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Penelope "Pennie" Karity Mays

This November I will be participating in NaNoWriMo, today I am working on some pre-writing for Try Not To Die. Here is the character sheet for Pennie, one of my two main characters.

Age: 22 Height: 5′ 6″, 133lbs Eye color: Clear blue Physical appearance: Pennie is an athletic woman; professional cheerleading and horseback riding, and it shows. She has long, lean legs and a six-pack. Other than looking athletic, Pennie is a beautiful woman. She comes from a long line of southern women and carries herself as such. She is always wearing makeup and taking care of her hair and skin, and yet her beauty looks effortless. She has naturally clear skin, bright eyes, and hair that seems to settle into gorgeous beach waves on its own. Her hair is naturally blonde, a lighter blonde but not quite the nearly see-through blonde of her childhood. She is also naturally tan from all of the time she spends outside. Strange or unique physical attributes: Pennie has a scar on her right leg from where she snapped it in half and out of the skin in middle school, riding a horse. Favorite clothing style/outfit: Pennie is very ‘in style’. She wears skinny jeans, boots, and sweaters in the winter with a thick dark grey parka-type coat. In the summer she wears dresses with converse or short boots. Where does he or she live? What is it like there? Pennie lives in an apartment in Boulder, CO outside of her school (University of Colorado, Boulder). She enjoys being a little far from school because it provides quiet that she enjoys. It isn’t ‘walkable’ per se, but she has no trouble driving everywhere. It is a new looking apartment, very modern, that her parents pay for while she goes to school. There are two bedrooms, one for her to sleep in and one that serves as a recording room for her makeup work. It looks like it is out of IKEA, and is a very peaceful abode for her. She also loves hosting and has friends over all of the time. Defining gestures/movements (i.e., curling his or her lip when he or she speaks, always keeping his or her eyes on the ground, etc.): Pennie twirls her hair a lot without noticing it, especially when she is thinking. She maintains eye contact when she talks, and always looks happy (pulled from her training in cheerleading). She doesn’t really have any anxious ticks because she isn’t an anxious person. Things about his or her appearance he or she would most like to change: Pennie is very confident, but she doesn’t have a unique look and wishes that she had a tattoo or unique hairstyle or something. Speaking style (fast, talkative, monotone, etc.): Pennie speaks like a good southern girl- sweet, as if her words themselves twinkle. She gets a deep accent when she is upset. Pet peeves: Unsweet tea and people who aren’t southern polite and welcoming. Fondest memory: The family reunion her first year in college, it was a wonderful time with all of her brothers. It is when she finds out that her SIL Susana was pregnant with her and Jamie’s first son. Hobbies/interests: She enjoys cheerleading, horseback riding, doing makeup, shopping, and spending time with her friends. In addition, she is religious and is known to sit down and read the bible and listen to pod-casts from the church she grew up with. Finally, she likes to read Forbes and BusinessWeek. Special skills/abilities: Pennie is very good at makeup, with a nice 2.6 million followers on Instagram, and is especially business savvy. Most of what she does on her Instagram, however, is show people how to home make (mostly) vegan body/face/etc products. Insecurities: Pennie feels very plain and boring. Quirks/eccentricities: Pennie is obsessed with country music and pop music, and is known to line dance when she is really drunk. She’s also known to give a surprisingly excited rant about business if you give her the chance. Temperament (easygoing, easily angered, etc.): Friendly and kind, with a sassy turn when she feels insulted. Negative traits: She judges people on their outside appearance. She is 22, but she has a hard time being independent of her family in front of them, even though she disagrees with their (specifically the Mays) antiquated opinions. Things that upset him or her: She can’t stand animals being hurt, she doesn’t like people bullying her friends or family, and doesn’t like bugs of any sort. Things that embarrass him or her: With few exceptions, Pennie dresses very modestly, and is very embarrassed when any part of her appearance doesn’t feel comfortable. This character is highly opinionated about: Animal rights. She only purchases food for her home from farms that are humane, and only uses vegan products for makeup and other uses. Also, feminism (inclusive feminism, which means LGBTQ+ and BLM), though she doesn’t share this with her father. Any phobias? Pennie does not have any phobias. Things that make him or her happy: A home cooked meal, a perfectly put together outfit, a nice spa night, and dinner with loved ones. Family (describe): Pennie is the youngest of 5 children, all boys. -Jamison “Jamie” Gerald Mays, M 30 --Married to Susana (F, 28) with two children Mary (F, 3), Jamison “JImmy” (M, 2) and another on the way -Jackson “Jack” Harrold Mays, M 28 --Married to MaryAnne (F, 27) with twins Marigold “Mary” and Elisabeth “Lizzie” (F, 2) -Joeseph “Joe” Charlie Mays, M 25 --Closeted gay man, only Pennie and Dustin know that his ‘roommate’ Michael Macalister is his boyfriend (would be married if Mays family knew) -Dustin Samuel Mays, M 24 --Recently single, seemingly uninterested in settling down Her parents are Jamison Franklin Mays (M 58) and Sarea Lee Karity-Mays Nee Karity (F 54). The Mays family is a very rich Texas family known for their wildly successful corporate law firm. The Karity family is a farming family, and her mother is the only child. Because of this, despite Jamison working inside of Houston, the family grew up on the main farm/horse ranch. All kids were sent to a part-time boarding school, overnight from Monday-Friday, in Houston that was religious. The Mays are a close family, they have family reunions every year. The Karity family is much smaller, but it is nearly entirely women (they all kept their name) and very strong women at that. Deepest, darkest secret: Pennie was raped by her high school mathematics teacher in her senior year. The reason he or she kept this secret for so long: She believes it is her fault and feels deep shame for it. It is how she lost her virginity and had previously planned to wait until marriage. Additionally, she shared (part) of it with her older brother Jamie, and he shamed her for it. Other people’s opinions of this character (What do people like about this character? What do they dislike about this character?): People like that Pennie is so kind and strong, though many judge her for her father’s actions and that of the Mays family. Also, because of her sweet tone and overly polite demeanor, she can come off as insincere. She’s also very “basic” and many consider her vain. Favorite bands/songs/type of music: Pennie loves country music, Carrie Underwood is her number one favorite singer and she tends to love female artists. She also enjoys pop music, though she veers away from dubstep or otherwise computer type music. Favorite movies: Old romance: Dirty Dancing, Grease, Pretty Woman, etc. Favorite TV shows: The Bachelorette, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, etc. Favorite books: Anything Nicholas Sparks Favorite foods: Chicken fried steak, bbq, and smoothies Favorite sports/sports teams: She does not like sports Political views: Pennie is fiscally conservative and socially liberal Religion/philosophy of life: Pennie is Christian, and doesn’t believe it interferes with her politics in the slightest. Physical health: Pennie is very healthy, though she is diabetic, it is something that she maintains with healthy diet and exercise. Dream vacation: Pennie has traveled a lot but has never been to the Greece beaches and would love to go there. Description of his or her house: Her apartment is modern and clean, IKEA meets Pinterest. There are many pictures of her friends and family and also plenty of art. It is very clean, as any good southern girl’s home should be. Description of his or her bedroom: Her bedroom is crisp and fresh, and her closet is large. Any pets? Pennie has a small corgi that is her diabetic alert dog (once upon a time her diabetes was far from under control). His name is Sweetums and he is white with light brown spots. Best thing that has ever happened to this character: Pennie values her education more than anything else. Going to school away from her family allowed her to develop opinions separate from her parent’s opinions. Worst thing that has ever happened to this character: Pennie was raped by her high school mathematics teacher in her senior year. She decided to share this information with her oldest brother, and he shamed her for it. Superstitions: Pennie is religious and doesn’t believe in sex until marriage. Three words to describe this character: Bright, kind, shamed If a song played every time this character walked into the room, what song would it be? All American Girl, Carrie Underwood

#writing #Try Not To Die #nanowrimo2017 #pre writing #character sheet

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lapetitepomme · 8 years ago

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I decided to start my own Empties posts, inspired by Trash Stash by Stashmatters! I couldn’t really think of any name for these blog posts other than “Emptyland,” so we’re just gonna go with the cheesy “Alice in Emptyland” title. I’m going to post all my Empties (although some may not be empty; I might also get rid of products that cause negative reactions or products that have expired). My decision to start tracking my Empties was made to hold myself accountable, since I tend to hoard products and never throw them away (and I also take forever to finish up products…). I also want to be able to look back and see which products I’ve tried and what I thought of them. Let me know if you’ve tried any of these products!

Empties from January & February

Before I get started with my first Emptyland post, I want to share my rating system in case you’re unfamiliar with it. I’m using the same rating system that I use for my reviews, but I stick to just an overall rating rather than lots of specifics. Here’s the rundown for what the stars represent: [ ☆ = Most negative/Not good at all, ☆☆ = Not that good, but okay ☆☆☆ = Neutral/No opinion/No answer, ☆☆☆☆ = Great, ☆☆☆☆☆ = Most positive/Fantastic! ] I’ll also include my experience with each product, but the detail I go into for each product may vary.

Skincare

Neutrogena Oil-Free Cleansing Wipes: Pink Grapefruit – 25 towelettes

I used up all of them, but didn’t like them much. The grapefruit scent was way too strong for me. I usually like citrus, but this was overpowering. I also didn’t see any positive effects of using this. It didn’t make my skin feel any cleaner, and it also made my skin sting.

Overall Rating: ☆☆ // Repurchase? No

Etude House My Lash Serum

I only used about 1/3 of the bottle, but I decided to toss this because I dislike the consistency of it. It’s too thick, and when applied to my lashes, lots of big droplets get caught on my lashes and it feels strange. Looking in the bottle, I also see weird black dots floating in the serum. I’m not sure what they are, and maybe they’re meant to ve there… but I’m still paranoid about them being random contaminants. I don’t see myself using it ever again. I might try a different type of lash serum in the future, but I’m not sure. If anyone has recommendations for lash products, let me know!

Overall Rating: ☆ // Repurchase? No

COSRX Acne Pimple Master Patch – 24 patches

This was my first time trying an acne patch! I love this stuff because I tend to scratch my face in my sleep (and that’s really not good, especially if I pop a pimple in my sleep…). It works like a mini bandage, but better: it does make my irritated pimples shrink! Sometimes, it works quickly to make them disappear, but most of the time, it only improves it. The effect is still better than clearing gels and other treatments I’ve tried (plus it protects my skin from my fingers when I’m sleeping). Sometimes they fall off though; I have to be careful and make sure my fingers are clean and dry. If any lotion or cream gets onto the patch, then it won’t stick.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? Yes!! (I still have more since I bought a multi-pack set during a sale)

Tonymoly Timeless Ferment Snail Foam Cleanser – 150 mL

This was my very first snail product! It was a decent cleanser, but nothing special. It had a mild and pleasant scent, but it didn’t feel like it foamed up at all when I used it. Maybe tiny bubbles, but I was hoping for a more “foamy” experience. I used the whole thing because I didn’t want to waste it, but I don’t see myself ever purchasing it again. I used it as my second step in my cleansing routine (after a cleansing oil, which I’m still using now).

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆ // Repurchase? No

Tonymoly Timeless Ferment Snail Cream – 50 mL

This was an okay cream, and it had the same scent as the cleanser. This line definitely has a consistent fragrance. I thought it felt more gel-like than cream like, but it also seemed to have two consistencies inside the jar. Some parts were more cream-like, and other parts were more gel-like. I didn’t like this “separated” style of the cream. It felt moisturizing, but I also had to use a lot of it. I also used it during winter time so the air is a lot dryer. With the amount I used in order to feel moisturized, this amount also felt oily to me, which I disliked. It made my skin look really shiny.

Overall Rating: ☆☆ // Repurchase? No

Welcos Jeju Natural Green Tea Mask

This came in a box set (the same masks) that I found at T.J. Maxx. It’s a decent sheet mask, with a generous amount of essence. I liked the mild scent, and it was easily absorbed when I patted my face. I gave one to my mom to try, and I remember she told me she enjoyed the experience as well!

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? Maybe

The Saem Global Eco Mask Sheet

I got a bunch of these for free when I went to The Saem for the first time (in Flushing). It was actually my only time there; maybe I’ll check out that shop again some time. On the back of the packaging, it says Not For Sale, so I assume these masks were promotional items.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? No (not possible)

Makeup

Laneige BB Cushion SPF 50+ – 15 g

This was my second run with this product! When I purchased this from Target, it came with a free refill as well. I just finished the refill in January. I’m saving it, because I might buy another refill for it. I still have a bunch of other BB things I purchased during clearance sales that I need to use up first. But once I use them all up, I’d like to get another refill… unless I find an even better one. My initial reaction to this BB Cream was mostly positive, but I didn’t like the shiny finish or sheer coverage. However, this was something I liked to use at work or light makeup days because the sheer coverage was fine (when I just wanted to hide redness/splotchiness). You can read my in-depth review here. Interestingly enough, the original cushion and the refill last me a year! I opened the first one in January 2016, and finished the last one in January 2017.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? Maybe

Clinique Acne Solutions Liquid Makeup – 30 mL

I don’t even know how long I’ve been using this bottle… My mom gave it to me way-back-when at the end of high school I think? It has been… like 5 or 6 years? I didn’t use this as makeup since I didn’t want acne treatment all over my face. I only applied it where I actually had the acne, so that’s probably why it lasted so long. And I also didn’t use this consistently (I forgot to use it most of the time). It doesn’t have very good coverage, but it works to cover up redness. I didn’t see it doing much for my acne, but I also don’t know if it’s not effective anymore due to its age. The bottle is completely worn-down; you can’t even read any of the text anymore!

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆ // Repurchase? No (my mom gave me another bottle, so I still need to open up and use that one)

Clinique Brush-On Cream Liner – 5 mL

I’m guilty of using this product for wayyyyy too long… This jar has lasted me about 4 years? Possibly more, but this is my go-to liner for photoshoots and cosplays. I really shouldn’t be using the same jar for that long, but there was so much product and I didn’t want it to go to waste. The consistency was always fabulous! It didn’t dry out, and it was easy to apply. The color was the perfect black too, and it didn’t fade. It also came with a brush, but since I periodically wash and clean the brush, I think there’s some more life left in it. I’m keeping the brush in my stash for now. This eyeliner was well worth the $17 I spent on it, and I would totally get this again. Although before I do, I want to try out other liners to see if I can find one that’s even better.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? Yes!!

The Yeon Lotus Flower BC Cushion Pact – 14 g

I got this at such a great deal during a Labor Day Sale at The Yeon! I bought a whole bunch and gave some to friends as presents as well. I wonder what my friends thought of it… It was a decent BC Cushion but didn’t match my skin tone very well (it is too pale). It also oxidizes and doesn’t last very long. However, it didn’t break out my skin and it feels light and also moisturizing. It also has sturdy packaging (I’ve dropped it so many times, and no chips or anything). It’s a nice product, but I don’t think I’ll repurchase it. There are so many other cushions I want to try!

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆ // Repurchase? No

Body Care

The Body Shop Atlas Mountain Rose Body Butter – 200 mL

I was introduced to The Body Shop pretty late (senior year in college, I think?). This is my first product I purchased, and it wasn’t even from The Body Shop store. I found it at either Marshall’s or T.J. Maxx. I love anything rose-scented, so I snagged this when I saw it at such an affordable price. The scent is heavenly and it provides great moisture, even in these terribly dry winter months.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? Yes

Hair Care

Eufora Nourish: Deep Moisture Cleanse – 250 mL

This shampoo has the following description on the bottle: “Extra moisturizing sulfate-free shampoo restores softness and manageability to dry and stressed hair.” I didn’t find this shampoo to be particularly moisturizing though. However, the main purpose of this shampoo was to preserve my hair color when I lightened and dyed it for the first time. At the salon I went to near my college, the stylist mixed some of the hair dye she used into this bottle. Every time I shampooed, I redeposited the hair color. I heard from that hair stylist that red is the hardest color to maintain since it’s the most difficult to deposit, and the easiest to wash out and fade. But… red is my favorite color, so I really wanted to make sure my hair stayed red for as long as possible. This shampoo may not be as moisturizing as I would have liked, but this may be due to the dye mixed in as well. However, this concoction worked miracles for keeping my hair red! Check out this photo from months after the dye job:

My hair was still super vibrant and red! I ran out of the shampoo early on in January (literally on New Year’s Day, January 1!).

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Repurchase? No (not possible)

Sample / Travel Size

Tokyomilk/Dark: Pretty Rotten

I got this as a sample in one of my Sephora orders a long time ago. I rarely buy perfume since I have soooo many of these random sample vials lying around. This is a unique scent with a kick to it; I love it! It’s difficult to describe, but it stands out as something with a bit of a rose scent, but much darker. I can also smell apple in there (and I LOVE apples!). There’s no staying power though; I feel like it just lasts 10 minutes or so on me, then I can’t smell it anymore.

Overall Rating: ☆☆☆☆ // Purchase? No (but I’ll gladly take another sample)

Did you try any of these products? If so, I’d love to hear your opinions as well! I have combination skin (oily T-zone, dry everywhere else), in case you were wondering. My skin gets really dry in the wintertime, and I also have eczema flare-ups sometimes. Feel free to give me your beauty/skincare/makeup recommendations too! Hope you all have a great week.

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Emptyland: Jan/Feb 2017 I decided to start my own Empties posts, inspired by Trash Stash by Stashmatters! I couldn't really think of any name for these blog posts other than "Emptyland," so we're just gonna go with the cheesy "Alice in Emptyland" title.

#alice in emptyland #beauty #beauty blog #beauty blogger #body care #empties #empty #Emptyland #hair care #makeup #products #rating #ratings #Reviews #skincare

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