#thats why ive been kinda nonexistent for the last months

[jizskat]

Isaac and baby Edward doodles

[aquirkynerdytur-port-key]

1/28/19

God why is everything so fucking exhausting

I can’t seem to stay awake no matter now much caffeine I drink or how much sleep I get, and I just want to be able to stay awake and learn and do decent in my classes but I’m fucking stalled in life, everything is continuing around me, if not faster than normal, and im here, all alone but not really alone? I cant even do homework anymore the slight drive I managed to keep from 8th grade until now has burnt out and I cant motivate myself to do the readings or the problems or whatever and im just drowning and cant stay happy, even though im doing things I love. Also like, my friends arent really friends anymore? More like “colleagues”, and everyone else is essentially a stranger.

God I miss Cole

Hes moved on to bigger and better things and probably better friends, we barely talk anymore and im too scared to start up a conversation because it always goes along the lines of:

Hey

Hey

Hru

Im fine, hbu

Uh im gucci lol

And then we stop talking for months on end.

Everything is just falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I cant tell my parents or family, it would be too awkward and they would give “advice” which is just stating the facts.

Recently I’ve been thinking about dying, but like always I come to the conclusion “no thats selfish, you’re a chicken anyway, what if Cole/finley/acey/Ryan needs you tomorrow???” So I dont do it

Tried to learn how to file a complaint to sr Adams today. That was a fun talk.

Maybe questioning my sexuality now? I mean, I dont FEEL anything romantic/sexual to others, but like, I talk about girls a lot and how I would like, tap that and shit like that??? Not sure anymore. Im gonna stick with my feeling over my mentality and thoughts tho… so still identifying as Ace/aro.

Learning ukulele is good, lots of fun, liana Flores is amazing at songwriting and honestly it would be so so SO cool if I could learn how to write decent songs/good chords for one. People say music is essentially poetry, but all of my poems would NOT work whatsoever with any tune or beat or whatever.

Also im really fucking pissed that I have such a shit memory for things that matter.  I can remember the entirety of heathers, BMC, the Hamilton and mean girls soundtrack, countless episodes of DW/Sherlock/Spn, numerous pages from PJO or HP, but cant seem to remember anything valuable for history class. So fucking annoying and stupid.

Guess its getting bad again, my completely undiagnosed, probably nonexistent depression and anxiety.

I hope mr petrocelli is recovering nicely. What a dude.

But yeah I feel like it’s getting bad again. Ive been feeling like im about to throw up for the past month or two, cant seem to feel anything positive for more than a couple minutes, and have been so fatigued that I cant focus on anything.

Fuck man, writing the truth down on here is kinda painful. Like this is probs the 3rd time ive cried while writing this, when ISHOULD be doing homework.

Membean can suck my nonexistent dick. SOOOOOO fucking stupid I hope that I wont have to do it next year because I KNOW most of the words but still get the questions wrong because im given synonyms or I forget how to spell it. Its also EVIDENT I know these words because I use them quite a bit, but NOOOOO I HAVE to do a fucking memorization thing.

I really wish that I could freeze time, because I feel like a damn mirror thats been shattered. The glass shards can still display the image, but it is hard to see. a single hit or amount of stress can cause the shards to collapse and become beyond repair.

Hm, is this like a diary now? This is so damn weird. Who knows 🤷‍♀️ if anyone reads this later on, what’s up lol. Think thats enough for now, sorry to waste your time complaining about some pretty minuscule things…

Shit that was so fucking pathetic, apologizing to someone who probably will never read this anyway. Anyway, hasta la taco, as Asha would say.

Do you think it would be possible to go to the health center and ask for a mental health day or something? I just. Cant do class tomorrow. Just thinking about HOMEWORK (and tomorrow lol) is enough to make me start crying, but the last time I went because of a mental breakdown they told me to stop running away from my problems and to grow up and face it because I wont be able to chicken out in the real world.

[rennyji]

family, friends, enemies, the be natural thing, normal tweets

Its June already...another month in "the situation"...June 1st tweets...

You know, with the exception of one or two cousins, most of my family, maybe because of “the situation”?! Is more loyal (for lack of a better word) to my parents, than me. Such is my revelation over the last 11 years. One cousin I lived close to, in India for a while, -

-he’s around my age, and should be a brother I can tell secrets to, or “hooks me up.”Otherwise, he’s a very sincere/caring individual who is a real asset to our family. “Hook up” as in connect me -

- with my kind of women from his multicultural work establishment at TechnoPark or take me to a “todi shop” , where you get special kind of alcohol and spiced beef in this part of India, so that I can get different taste of life, make a memory, and have life experience. -

-He’s attending to my parents desire of keeping me as an individual who prays all day who needs to talk to someone, when that’s one side or nonexistent side to a guy who’s image is facing life’s obstacles in a leather jacket. -

-At this age and in my freakin’ 20’s, he chooses to be like a parent or uncle worried about what my parents think, or doing what my parents want for me, instead of thinking of what I as an individual need. All instead of being a brother or friend, understanding of me. -

-I think he’d try to talk to me or ask me questions to get information for my parents and this undignified “thing” of a situation-very brotherly.-

-On a different note, I mean, he spends a lot of time knowing his kids, but my parents, no offense to them, don’t listen to me when I speak because they’re in a rush to speak or defend, and they don’t know my likes/interests/hobbies.-

-Until recently, my mother didn’t know my favorite color. She’s stubborn to the point where she won’t try to learn either. They may have recently found out about such things like likes/interests/hobbies through the eavesdropping/stalking situation. -

-I mean, for the sake of a point, while in my very early 30s, it’s only now that I even shared with my mom, and not my dad, that I had two girl friends while in college. Some things like that, you cannot share with Indian parents until things get serious -

-and you want to move to the next chapter/adventure. I love my mom and dad, and would die for them and care for them in old age, but they don’t know much about me. My memories of my mom, for instance, are of her cooking, cleaning, buying me clothes,-

-taking me to doctor appointments when sick, and used to paying tuition, and a lot of yelling - ACTUAL BIG THINGS but nothing that requires a heart, it’s a parents duty. I tried telling her that, but no patience. She’s too busy taking it as an insult. -

-When Ive had any kind of problem in life outside of getting me a tutor for school or whatever when struggling, I’ve been on my own. Never helped me with a problem. It’s culturally not allowed to talk to her about problems with a girl friend, fears you may be struggling with,-

-or the cherry on top: talking about “this situation” and its origins. It’s a hard sad d**che bag thing to say, but if I manage to get my own maid, there wouldn’t be much to reminisce over my mom. -

-My dad is too busy philosophizing about family ideals &preaching. I mean he couldn’t dream of making the religious points I do, or no offense, pray “heart fueled” prayers in the mind over “out-loud” mechanical singing/praying out of thinking that makes him a solid human being. -

-Both my parents need to listen more and talk less. When I share something I like or about myself with my mom, she’ll be like, why are you telling me or will hammer @ something while I’m talking, literally. I mean I tried correcting things with my mom by talking to her about it,-

-but you never get through, although forgivable on both sides as and when needed. On a side note, quality of life in India is understood as how religious you are and your spending power. Me using saved potential rent money on fitness equipment-

-and massage guns makes it seem like I have nothing to complain about. It adds to my family being unable to admit to problems, when I mention things to do with a life of meaning. Stuff like that gives life experience and teaches you what you want. -

-In my girl friend/wife, I need a woman who’s patient, listens, comprehends, and so forth...but back to the point about the cousin...-

-I mean, after a certain age, you want friends in ur family. In India, amongst my family, if a relative does a favor like sit with you for a day in mostly silence, at someone else’s suggestion, that means ur best friends.-

-All these random formalities and awkwardness arises with genuinely good, sincere people. My best friends are people who “do stuff with me or for me” and that I can “confide in.” But I guess that’s where you gotta go out and meet people. -

-Family can’t always be as you desire or expect, as life is complicated in its own respective way for everyone, be it through difficult personalities or cultural formalities. People need to find their kinda people to be friends and family. I’ve heard:

-“Friends are the brothers and sisters God forgot to give us.”

what else, what else....

I don’t understand how the orchestrators overpower or left me under my parents. For that, do they meet all the criteria for their entertainment? Did anyone do psychological background checks on everyone involved for something as massive as this? -

-This could take a toll on my parents when they have to betray their son. This could take a toll on the orchestrators after 11 years of failure and lies. I mean parents’ culture restricts them from letting me live the normal American life required of the “show.”-

-For them, it’s religion all day/everyday(Christian that is). While they’ve been in the country for 11  years & dealt with non Indian people, do they understand things or see things the way I have the potential of doing? Did they understand the depth & severity of this project?-

-&like a lot of minority parents, or parents from elsewhere,or who haven’t been in America's love dovy way of handling things for generations, despite myParent’s undeniable love4me &willingness 2give me everything b4 this, theyd beat me as a child if I misbehaved/got a badGrade.-

-There were instances where my dad, who I don’t see any less &just doing his job cuz of what Im used to, beat me w/a hanger till my legs turn red. But when American entertainment officials come along yrs later, does this kind of history check out w/ ur possible background check?-

-Did the orchestrators do their homework at all? Its amidst this kind of setting, that Ill punch a wall once or throw things twice in 11 years after days of provocation. In our normal lives, do the orchestrators think any of this matters or at least 2 us, as people, as a family?-

-For taking eleven years of my life, when I was at my prime, when friends have mine have become lawyers with beautiful couples and children, if I can take that kind of beating and what you did to me through these years along-

-with personal hardships and growth, wait till you see what I do to you, one by mine. Riches and glamour can’t replace 11 years of torment. -

-Life is great, but between the orchestrators and me, it’s kind of like Jefferson Pierce in final few episodes of Black Lightning against Tobias Whale for killing his father and tormenting his family. Jefferson has a life with super powers. But when he loses them, -

-he faces Tobias in a showdown, where he accepts the possibility of death. I am willing to lose everything and end up on the street to see the orchestrators rot in jail for persisting, carelessly, in what is, my life.-

-The orchestrators messed up my youth, my family, my chance at a 4.0 GPA education, the resulting career opportunities, my health, social opportunities, putting me through the indignity of having my world basically on team on speaking terms against me who they never talk to...-

- all for an America that I once compared to heaven because of its potential for altruism and representation from all over. Do the orchestrators realize what they set up today I had already without them years ago? Way to steal my life on "multiple levels."-

-Enjoy the rest of our time together, orchestrators. U, the orchestrators, cowards, hide behind high end tech &possible authority figures or government contracts, but when we’re face 2face, provoke me in person, I dare you, as urself, &me as me, not you doing ur weird mind cr*p.-

-Let’s see if the orchestrators have the b*lls, before one of us undeniably is guaranteed to go down, whoever it is.

moving on ... what else ...

I’m honestly talking about my family and the situation, because after 11 years, through observations and the situation not ending, I’m convinced no one is actually being honest about me.  (I used the word “observations” in the last sentence.-

-Problem with using that word is that the orchestrators will forge the next setting with things for me to pick up on cuz they’re psychotic and refuse to restore the natural setting and normalcy of my life-natural setting is what I’ve been after for 11 years...)-

-I mean what comes to mind in seeing me without any of this in ur head, while not denying/hiding/ what’s happened to me over these 11+ years?! - THATS THE NATURAL SETTING. ONE directive, ONE instruction...and if taking care of what I’m after was ur goal, this is it, ur done. -

-Doesn’t require resources or effort on anyone’s part. It’s just people being themselves- natural.-mentioned/repeated multiple times in old complaints.) 

so now some normal tweets before I get on with my day...

So apparently, a massage gun isn’t a substitute for foam rolling or stretching...

“Tea tree hair and body moisturizer” leave in conditioner is, I think, the greatest hair gel ever. When my hair was thick and long, I used to use tea tree styling wax, topped off with Sebastian potion 9 leave in conditioner...but I really love the tea tree moisturizer...-

-the tea tree moisturizer...you can use it on ur hair and skin...wish this stuff existed ages ago...

The kiehls blue eagle shave cream provides a smoother shave 4“me” than their lotion...they have another version that I just want to try: the white eagle version-$7 more...I put “me” in quotes, cuz it might work for others...i think different men have different kinds of stubble.-

-There’s this one guy working at a coffee shop I go to, who’s got to be having the smoothest cleanest shave. You see no stubble. But I mean the concept of shave lotions are nice cuz you can just wipe off when done. -

With Shave creams over shave lotions, you gotta wash off, and washing ur face and neck in the sink just gets water everywhere.

“Yogibo Support” is good for reading or looking at your phone on your bed. Google it.

I’ve talked about Punjabis and “ pagdiwalas, “ but that being said, if there are any Guju’s like Ameesha Patel, hit me up.

Best combination of an idea: get the DoorDash dash pass free trial for a month and if you have around a $150 rewards from ur credit card, transfer it to DoorDash gift card. It’ll get you 2 weeks of outside food or restaurant food for breakfast, lunch, dinner. -

-Credit card rewards! Take advantage. Nice to use card with benefits-quite an incentive over cash. That’s how I’ve been ordering food, if that too is part of the “entertainment”, not cuz I’m loaded. Just a regular guy under 11 years of hype. -

-Be natural. React in what comes to mind on seeing me, minus pre-exisitng cr*p in ur head, without hiding/denying the existence of that cr*p.

[iamnadiaah]

Time to move on

My health is going up and down lately, & my mind is going up and down searching for peace,  inbetween the the war inside my head. its the stress. ( i think ) i have anxiety , im scared of losing  ,  losing the ones i love, afraid of losing myself. afraid of never getting over my ptsd and other stuff im struggling with, i am angy , angry some people ive been loyal to have stuck a knife in my back, and me not seeing this coming, im angry me caring they did that, im sad for the times ive lost stressing about the shit others did to me. and how they made me feel. im scared that i will never recover from the abuse ive been through, the last weeks ive been confused and searching for my peace, i no longer wanna waste my time , my breath , my heart, my loyalty to others, i wanna do me..i wanna love me..i wanna be loyal to me, for months ive been stressing out because i thought i lost someone close to me. and this person is family to me, i dont have alot of family,  our bond we used to have changed. and it hurts more than i can say, but i also realize that i did not lose a friend, ive lost a bond that i thought could never be broken,  its not broken, it changed,   we went from  everyday texting , calling,  from nonexistent, so for months ive felt like i was ignored , cause every text i send  , i got nothing ,  i was ok with that cause this person told me they where bussy, and i understand ,because  im bussy too. but i make time to check up on people i care about ,  but when i got onto facebook and i saw all the damn messages that this person have  send to others . i got confused , so i asked did i do something. this person texted me saying no, im just bussy,  ok well damn.. so my heart broke, cause i see a friendship of 20 something years go to the toilet.  so i deleted the facebook app , and started to focus on myself. cause looking at social media and seeing shit i dont wanna see  is starting to making me lose my mind, so im removed the app, and focused on my mental health and health, cause ive been going up and down, and the people that caused my stress dont even fucking know it. or they do, and dont care , but im done with that shit, look i did not tell all of the story just a little bit, but the stress ive been carrying around is not just from this incident, its from everything, ive been through,. ive been struggling with  Complex PTSD - PTSD . and some other stuff, ever since my childhood. and so ive been not great with some things. i have issues , im not perfect,   but other than that im trying to be a good person.

so when i get the feeling someone is walking away from me, it cuts deep like a knife,  cause i dont have alot of family or friends, the people i know are with me for years. and so to see one of my closest friendship going through some changes kinda hurts,  ive got stabbed in the back by family, and so many other people that did not know what loyaly is, and what it means, so i made my own family,  so it hurts to lose a bond i thought was unbreakable.

so if this person reads this.. im sorry i did not have the balls to tell you this in person, cause i know you are never gonna understand . ive seen it all changes, its not because you and i are bussy,  or the fact you have a child, that was never an issue before, so ive seen the changes, and i know you are still in my life, but the change our bond has made hurts, i could always count on you, and you could always count on me. not matter what.. i know what happend....now after some time i do understand the change. and so i had to  say it for my own peace of mind, all of this  hurts cause so many ,even family have me stabbed me in the back. so im made my own family, and i thought you was part of that,  maybe that was my bad, thinking we are still they way we used to be, i understand now change seperated us,  made us into strangers,  and even tho it hurts maybe its ok, you got your life, i got mine. my vision of life is so much more diffrent from yours now, maybe im stuck in the past. maybe its time for me to face facts...that ive lost someone i cared for. but we still have the memories,  and maybe its time for me to no longer holding my tongue, and speak my mind and heart, cause some people did not try to spare my heart, and thats why i am the way i am, look i will always be your friend, but i will no longer be the friend you onces knew, cause its time to do me now. time for focusing on my life  rebuilding things others broke, focusing on loving myself, no longer saying sorry for the fact im thinking about me , no longer saying sorry for speaking the truth and speaking my mind and feelings, if you call i will answer, but i wont bend over backwards for anyone but myself. tts time to recover