#thats why i dont let myself get drunk or high

[mintyeve322]

the age old question of do i want to fuck that fictional old man or do i want to be the daughter the narrative never gave him?

[pankowblues]

Never Leave Me Again

Request by - @nemesyaaa

Summary - After leaving OBX cause of parents divorce your bsf JJ cuts you and when you come back things changed.

No warnings

Driving through the streets of Outer Banks is weird since you have not been here for 4 years, well I mean especially after your parents got a divorce, a very nasty one. My mom married a rich man up in California and I lived there for 4 years and now all of us are moving back to the Outer Banks. The divorce led me to having to move from my home and my friends, the Pogue's. Which leads me to my next thing, my best friend, JJ Maybank, well let me say my friend now since he stopped contacting me. I really don't know what happened I mean one random night he just stopped contacting me and to this day I am confused.

The car comes to a stop which pulls me from my thoughts. We're stopped outside a huge colonial house which bigger than someone needs for a 3 people. I get out the car and get my suitcase and start walking to the front door. Once I make it to the front door, I stare at it collecting my thoughts. To going full kook the Pogue's always said.

I open the door to find Sarah and Kie.

"OMG girls I missed you so much!”

Sarah and Kie launch themselves at me which leads me to almost falling backwards but I caught myself.

"We missed you so much!" Sarah squeals

Kie joins in "Even the Pogue's missed you a lot!".

After our little reunion Sarah brought up the bonfire tonight.

It's currently 8pm and I'm waiting for the twinkie and if someone looked at me right now they would think I’m crazy with the shit eating grin on my face. Only cause im excited to see all the other pogues mainly JJ. I stop thinking once I hear the twinkie honk. I see all the boys standing outside the twinkie and I smile at JJ but my smile drops right when I see a blond bitch standing right next to JJ grabbing onto him like a koala. I ignore it for a second and go sprinting towards the rest of the pogues. I dont even know who I’m going towards anymore but I end up in John B’s arms.

"I missed you so much b!"

"I missed you too Y/N/N".

I let go of John B and hug Pope and I step in front of JJ. I let out a breath I didnt know I was holding in

"JJ."

“Y/N."

I lauch myself at him and we both hold onto each other for the time in what feels like forever. I missed his so much as I hide my face in the crook of his neck. We stay like this for about 45 more seconds till a high-pitched voice breaks us up

"JJ thats enough of hugging the girl"

JJ backs up from me and mouths sorry and I just nod.

It’s around 1am and to say I’m not drunk would be a lie. I found a guy and I’m dancing with him but he doesn’t feel the same as jj. I haven’t seen him in a while so I’m guessing he went off with that chick to do god knows what. For some reason thinking about them makes my blood boil. I talked to Sarah and she said that he got with the chick cause he needed someone to get over with the whole thing of me leaving but I doubt that. I start to grind my hips against him but he really shows no care back

“maybe he’s just a douche” I mumble beneath my breath.

“Hey um I’m going to go get a drink I’ll be back” he says

“um ok I guess” and with that he walks away.

It’s been an 20 minute and he’s still not back so I start looking for him and I see the most unexpected thing today. Jj yelling the fuck out of him.

“Don’t. Talk. To. Her.” he says but before anything gets out of hand I run up to him and pull him away.

“JJ what’s your fucking problem!” I yell at him

He grabs my wrist and pulls me somewhere more private and says “not here”. I don’t know where the hell we are but we’re in a storage closet I’m guessing?.

“JJ I was actually talking to the guy!” I really wasn’t.

“He’s not fucking good for you trust me!”

“Oh like you would know god why can’t I try finding a boyfriend but it’s totally ok to have your tongue down a chicks throat”

“because I still like you god damn it! I know he’s not the one cause I’m the one!”

“Then why the fuck would you stop contacting me”

“I started liking so much to the point I couldn’t handle you being away and I regretted not telling you earlier before you left”

“so why are with that girl?” I ask barely a whisper and not really comprehending the fact our faces are so close together.

“Because I was trying to get over you I starting liking you so much- scratch that loving you so much to point where I had to cut you off cause I didn’t think you would ever come back like I said already”

Maybe Sarah was right after wards.

“Kiss me.” I say.

He smashes his lips onto me like it’s the last time he’ll ever see me. He pulls away and rests his forehead against mine

“Be my girlfriend Y/N”

“Only if you break up with her”

“Anything for you”. I kiss him again

“JJ”

“yea?”

“Never leave me again”

“I promise I’ll never leave you again”

By the end of the day I explained the whole reason I left with JJ apologizing numerous times about ghosting me, JJ broke up with the girl, and apparently pope won a bet about us getting together. In the end I always knew me and JJ would find our way back to each other and I love him to the moon and back.

- this is my first fic I’ve ever written and I absolutely hate im actually so sorry but if you read please leave your honest opinions and don’t be scared to be rude and credits to @anitalenia for the divider, if your looking for a dividers look on her account there are cute ones on there 💗

[borathae]

Chapter 6

HOSEOK BITCH STOP GRANDMA???? THATS A STRETCH AND KNOWING U ARE AN ANCIENT BEING, DAMN I-

Hoseok stumbles, colliding with Seokjin’s chest. ofc he laughs with his entire body FUCK I MISS HIM WTF NAH NOPE WE WONT CRY WE MUST STAY FOCUSED BROTHER

JIN U BETRAYED ME??? HOW COULD YOU

Seokjin pleads, giving you the biggest puppy eyes that man hates aegyo on command, but watch his ass do aegyo on command if its on run bts tasks 😭 ik he will be the most supportive one if you told bts you are selling feet pics

who calls their fraternity Alpha? What kind of superiority complex do they have?” 💯fr

What are you? Secret vampires or something?” um

So mysterious”, Hoseok says, ok ig

“that man can be an asshole.” WHAT DO U MEAN MY KITTY IS AN ASSHOLE????

dig his metaphorical fangs into your neck and drain you of your metaphorical blood WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? (ik what it means, but 👀👀)

at least she got her sleep and is stress free now, i guess thats a win

JAMAL CHILL?? OOH JIN TELL EM SIS, WHATS HIS PROBLEM?

they are quaking with the desire to punch each other’s faces in. BE LESBIAN, PROBLEM SOLVED YEEHAW

Without me? homie really said that with his whole chest

It’s one of those activities you like to call terribly boring." ??? sir ??

also u know what, i will make it unboring for you real quick, lets go on a pirate ship, that will make u scream

dont judge my man yall, he was giving birth to lie on the pirate ship

WHAT DID TAE TELL HIM???? JAMAL SMILED AT ME??? his moodswings be like ➡️⬅️⬆️⬇️↗️↘️↙️↖️↕️↔️🔄️↪️↩️⤴️⤵️🔃

joon asks me out to study AAAAAAH 😩

holding his arm before you giggle into it. *twitching eyes WHY SHE GOTTA LIVE MY DREAM AAH BUTTER TAE THOSE ARMSS 🤤😋

“Oh you’re still here?” Taehyung asks STOP HE IS SOO SASSY, GIVE THAT MAN LONG NAILS

making Taehyung chuckle.......... one of his weirdly dishonest ones. tae when jin forces him to laugh at puns (that still makes me cackle)

He is a self-centred peacock PEACOCK DAMN GURL

“Violence is never the answer IT IS THE SOLUTION

ok sorry tae, back to serious mode, IS THAT FORESHADOW TO HIS PAST(mentioned in drabbles)

we are going swing dancing today UWUW

I can’t dance. What if I make a fool of myself?” I CANT DANCE EITHER, LETS GET MARRIED we can swing dance together for shits and giggles and get drunk in each other's laughter and smile, kissing passionately as if we are still in high school.

(omg that was so romantic, lemme just copy that)

did i tell you i still love the way he talks, its so coquette, in a manly way

I am a terrible student. i got exams in a month i have barely studied 😃😭

time does really fly fr it does, you wish it went fast, but when you think back, you wish you could live in that moment one more time

“cake is quite the delicacy oof the fanciness

ah yes old stuff *sighs in delight and coziness

There is fog in the air. It got stuck on the rooftops of the houses. Like a perfect gradient it makes them disappear into a grey nothingness. if this scene was on tv, what color light would it have?? (background lights you know) i was thinking of yellow, since we are talking about antiques

“I guess…” you look out the window for quite some time to think of an answer. You look at the perfectly polished stones of the sidewalk. You watch how the rain builds little rivers in the nooks and crannies. And that is when you get your answer. and the lights slowly becomes cool and blue (blue for calm, unity and stability)

thats a nice perspective of history but for the love of god, i cant stay awake or mentally present during it 😭

With your cheeks burning up like crazy and a big smile on your face you look out of the window again. A swing song comes on the radio, Taehyung turns it louder the tiniest bit. AND THE LIGHTS TURN PINK

“N-no? I-I’m alright”, you stutter. we can see that

Taehyung gets a few (probably painful) steps on his toes, but he doesn’t say anything. MASOCHIST ALERT 😭

stop flattering me im shyyyyy *shakes booty like jimin

this is so cute bye im soo single

“this was like in the movies! Do it again!” SHE IS SOO CUTE UWUW MOVE TAE SHE IS MINE *hits the gym so i can yeet tae out of the way and carry her

HE DID IT AGAIN HEEEHEEEEHEHHE

“Okay but that throwing thing you did? You can’t just do that without training first. Also why are you so strong? It’s inhuman really.” SAY IT SIS

I just think you are beyond precious”BYE IM GONE

Why do an elderly lady and Taehyung know each to such extent that they are hugging as if they were two old friends reuniting? dont overthink, they are just besties, um they met on a idk metro yeah

“it’s been so many years and yet you still look the same. While look at me”, OBVIOUSLY ITS SUS

Perhaps I should have taken the offer back then.” 👀👀

“What offer?” um the plastic surgery offer, anti aging laser. HERBS YEAH IT WAS THE HERBS, SHE MISSED OUT ON AN HERBAL MASSAGE

No way! That’s splendid! Just what you dreamt of!” they are such cute besties pls

It is hard not to choke on your olive, not when your body is burning up like that. i choked on air

How is it?” WHY IS THIS SOO HOT STOP DONT FOLD THAT FAST BITCH NA UH *also folds like a lawn chair in a sec

Taehyung gets off the barstool and closes the distance between you and him. SIR MY MENTAL HEALTH???

you stutter, knees buckling slightly as he helps you stand up. SLIGHTLY???? u mean buckling like a trying on heels

You haven’t told anyone ever but in your dreams you always pictured your prince charming to be good with elderly people and kids. Not that you would tell anyone your stupid fantasies, but you really did picture him like that. we all do, tae is a prince charming *sighs in high standards

“I think you gave that lady proper heart palpitations fr, i got so giddy just reading

And so full of life”, 👀👀👀as opposed to what sir???

Taehyung seems properly flustered for a moment, eyes flitting downwards and blinking rapidly. YES WE GOT THE CUTIE PIE FLUSTERED YEEHAW THIS IS A WIN FOR THE GAYS AND UNGAYS (i love to use this in sentences unrelated to sexuality)

quite sad to think that we are looking at something which has died thousands of years ago ... Well if you say it like that mood sis

it is nice to know that we can look at the past when we look at the stars?” waaaah im in love with her

I always thought of them as a reminder of death”, “or rather hell.” AYO??👀👀

they are still burning bright. Mustn’t it be such a burden to never get to rest?” ooh

*starts playing love maze

“Then you mess up, you mustn’t worry about mistakes you haven’t even made yet” i will try to remember this all the time

because right now I am thinking that this lamp is also alone, surrounded by darkness and thick fog and it should feel so terribly lonely and yet here it is, outshining both of them." 

HOW DO U WRITE THIS WELL?? LEAVE US SOME TALENT CRUMBS

People normally aren’t happy when they are around you and finally experiencing it feels so good.  WHO HURT YOU POOKIE??? IM COMING WITH MY FRYING PAN

this is soo cute i cant, the writing, them, the lamp and the stars gosh, i feel so giddy i wanna spin around the lamppost like a simp does in music videos

Yes darling” Taehyung whispers and there is obvious seduction in his voice. OHO HO HO I SEE U NAUGHTY BOI

this was a cute chapter im gonna sleep soo good with idk grass and unicorns in my dreams

HOSEOK BITCH STOP GRANDMA???? THATS A STRETCH AND KNOWING U ARE AN ANCIENT BEING, DAMN I-

lmoaoao he is so mean for no reason fajsdfja I love him JFAJDFJ

Hoseok stumbles, colliding with Seokjin’s chest. ofc he laughs with his entire body FUCK I MISS HIM WTF NAH NOPE WE WONT CRY WE MUST STAY FOCUSED BROTHER

LISTEN I MISS HIM TOO OMFG I'M IN PAIN

Seokjin pleads, giving you the biggest puppy eyes that man hates aegyo on command, but watch his ass do aegyo on command if its on run bts tasks 😭 ik he will be the most supportive one if you told bts you are selling feet pics

I miss him so much 😭 BUT ALSO LESS THAN A MONTH TILL HE IS BACK OMGMGMG (the most supportive for feet pics would be Tae though change my mind. you can't.)

who calls their fraternity Alpha? What kind of superiority complex do they have?” 💯fr

no but it will ALL MAKE SENSE LIKE LIKE LIEK LIEKEKE LIKEKE

“that man can be an asshole.” WHAT DO U MEAN MY KITTY IS AN ASSHOLE????

the foreshADOWINGNNG (i said too much)

dig his metaphorical fangs into your neck and drain you of your metaphorical blood WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? (ik what it means, but 👀👀)

HELLOOOOOOOOOO

Without me? homie really said that with his whole chest

THE JEALOUSY of this man LIKE

It’s one of those activities you like to call terribly boring." ??? sir ??

i love their sass fr fjadsjf

WHAT DID TAE TELL HIM???? JAMAL SMILED AT ME??? his moodswings be like ➡️⬅️⬆️⬇️↗️↘️↙️↖️↕️↔️🔄️↪️↩️⤴️⤵️🔃

perhaps something with her metaphorical blood HELLOO

joon asks me out to study AAAAAAH 😩

AAAH (scared)

holding his arm before you giggle into it. *twitching eyes WHY SHE GOTTA LIVE MY DREAM AAH BUTTER TAE THOSE ARMSS 🤤😋

when this video dropped I lost IT

ok sorry tae, back to serious mode, IS THAT FORESHADOW TO HIS PAST(mentioned in drabbles)

mhmhmmhmh

time does really fly fr it does, you wish it went fast, but when you think back, you wish you could live in that moment one more time

YES THIS OMFG the most painful thing ever 😭

ALSO I love how you thought of different colours during the scene <3 I love this energy heheh <3

Taehyung gets a few (probably painful) steps on his toes, but he doesn’t say anything. MASOCHIST ALERT 😭

there are no lies to be found here tbfh

“this was like in the movies! Do it again!” SHE IS SOO CUTE UWUW MOVE TAE SHE IS MINE *hits the gym so i can yeet tae out of the way and carry her

NO BUT THANK YOU i LOVE HER SO MUCH she is so cute frrr

“it’s been so many years and yet you still look the same. While look at me”, OBVIOUSLY ITS SUS

it IS

lmaooao you losing it over Tae existing is so me fr

it is nice to know that we can look at the past when we look at the stars?” waaaah im in love with her

me fr

I always thought of them as a reminder of death”, “or rather hell.” AYO??👀👀

THE FORESHADOWING GOES CRAZY FR ps: i forgot the stars and photography part during this chapter and now im <3 holy moly they were so cute together in the beginning im so soft

People normally aren’t happy when they are around you and finally experiencing it feels so good.  WHO HURT YOU POOKIE??? IM COMING WITH MY FRYING PAN

NO BUT FR

this is soo cute i cant, the writing, them, the lamp and the stars gosh, i feel so giddy i wanna spin around the lamppost like a simp does in music videos

I'M HAPPY YOU LOVED IT SO MUCH HEHEHE 💜💜

[worldofgoo]

cant sleep because of brother time again... i will try to explain myself properly under the cut

like. fundamentally i do like him and trust his desire to try to like. idk be kind and respectful because thats all that really matters. but he is also deeply frustrating and sometimes outright mean and rude that kind of contradicts the benefit of the doubt that i extend to him. i know my mom is kind of a lot so that strains everything but idk.

so he hasnt done this. recently. (as in maybe the last month or two). but pretty consistently after moving in with us he'll have some type of monthly drinking binge where he gets like. scary shitfaced. like. yelling slurs. and walking around the house and falling over on the floor and insulting us and being belligerent. hes fucked things up in the kitchen to the point where he makes huge messes and left the gas running (this was when he kept abusing sleeping medicine and who knows what)

and dealing with that type of thing is pretty scary and frustrating and i sympathize with my mom for freaking out because hes 1. endangering himself (he literally overdosed and was in a coma and got permeant brain damage a few years ago. he cant handle substances like at all any longer they effect him worse than before) 2. being disrespectful towards my mom, who has trouble handling the substance abuse after he almost died & is letting him stay with us despite constantly breaking the promises he made because she's nice. being rude to me by not letting me sleep whenever he does this shit. like im so fucking tired and hes not letting me sleep and provoking my mom and STILL talking on the phone past midnight

thats my side of things. its stressful and frustrating and substance abuse genuinely brings out the worst in him he becomes like spitefully careless like i said YELLING SLURS sometimes for like no reason and being an asshole to me or his friends on vc and being rude to my mom who i guess i do side with shes my roommate i generally try to understand her and foster a good relationship with her

as for his side

this is stuff ive heard from him and from his close friends (who are all worried about him, hes screwed a few of them over too though). he refuses to get help for himself and i think its why when weve tried to talk to him (my mom being patient and even walking him through helping him signing up for Anything that might help him because we dont know what to do). like he has this self sabotaging/self defeating attitude and this habit of just endlessly justifying himself thats really maddening

i know this went right to being mad at him instead of trying to be sympathetic because i know hes suffering in some way but i guess this is the result of trying to understand him. ultimately its something he has to try to get himself out of and ive had enough experience with stubborn people that its not really something i like. feel like i have much control over esp because of the family dynamics. and i just cant handle being around drunk/high people at least not him or my dad its really only stressful and scary associations

[maurenislife]

i hate tiktokers and mf lifestyle youtubers

now before i say anything im not hating

im not even really hating on what you think cause i dont wanna be or have a desire to be known for anything cause thats not even my mode or my goal in life and i dont idolize anything cause im not a sad 16 year old who yearns for a image that i liked and bookmarked on the internet ANYWHO ...

everybody thinks your a instant hater cause ur just jealous...... umm newsflash u fucking junkie whore, whats not meant for me isnt mine to have and whats not done for me i can do myself it takes nothing to get a few coins and prance around in a marble counter cosplay

trust.

Moving foward this whole brigade of wannabe lifestyle whores

they all immolating and channeling which i think is quite impressive down to the candance and lingo etc. its impressive :) all the copy and pasting they do is quite impressive to see, and ill sit with a popcorn bucket and vape to laugh at it all cause its a waste of time.

a long time ago i stopped being jealous of certain lifestyles and things cause once u can attain them or find a way, or figure out how the sausage is made its not that hard and that isnt impressive or even likeable in any sense

people are immulating at a high frequency and the universe can sense imposters and non believers who do not live in. their truth and go cower in fear and just simply conform one thing they will never know if nobody can smell it the universe can sense it even if nobody can see, universe sees, it feels, it calls out, it grasps you

Everybody wants to potray and cosplay a shitty portray aina but what u dont know is lets say even if u make it big, get the sponsorships, the trips reap the benefits of u raping your own life with cameras and tripods what is it all for? fuck money, fuck the gift. fuck the family feeding for just 45 seconds what are you gaining in spirit?

like what in your femmine spirit and the many who have died along the way for you to get here are you proud the answer might still be yes just to stick it to me or it might be genuinely yes cause you in turn think you are very much a success i mean thats what you have been showed and by scoreboard standards band 4 band u beat a bitch >

you didn't though lame you didn't, the inner work didn't completed and i honestly dont give a fuck if a bitch got a isn't for me of why i dont know her and im not in her household,

bitch with your content I AM IN YOUR HOUSE, I AM IN UR BRAIN, your constantly gagging up information every-time u take a bite into a stupid food u bought cause of your audience and everytime u gag up information when you say spend the day with me

we see inside your frame even if its all a act what does that inherently say about you???

You give us yourself and think we got no right to comment

okay enough of jealous prefacing and putting the condom on for yall

Wannabes

These women grew up being ridiculed or extremely loved theres no inbetween because both have the ultimate libido and desire to be seen and heard and viewed in a certain light to get illicit reactions out of other people... its odd ngl

i look at my tiktoks and its all been jokes i crack on me or stuff me and my friends did drunk and just goofing im not saying everybody gotta take that route i do appreciate lifestyle influncers who serve the purpose of showing us the viewer and cost breakdown of spas or vacations or maybe even a resturaunt or things i might wanna go do

like who am i to get mad at them for the sake of curiosity and further knowlege on a place i intend to visit i never been like dope case closed type shit

But if you a wannabe ..........................................................

its a waste of time and energy and your soul and we see it bleeding out for a "look at me mommy" like its sad.....

you can tell the want the mommy to compliment their outfit and the sister to ask where did you learn to do your makeup? and the auntie to ask where can i get that slice of pizza

they want the overall appeal of who is gonna ask me

who is gonna notice me and with each clip you see apart of them kinda just yelling out to the universe not only notice me but award me for being noticed and nobody is gonna do that not even 1 million viewers can set you free,

COPIER

you know the one philposhy thingy of the barnyard picture and like idk ill have to look this up but basically to break it down simply

theres a pic of a farmhouse and soon it gains popularity every mf wants to go and soon its like a disney w a giftshop its copied and copied till it loses its meaning idk look that shit up its a real philosphy and its deeper than what im saying but i ont got time for allat yo

bitches copy till they mf face turn blue and they want it to have the same effect the 1st one did

but the reality remains your immulation ends there

your cleaning the same marble counter like everybody else

taking the same pic on that goddamn boat like everbody else

wearing the same oufit bookmarked and tagged on pintrest like everybody else

its a waste..... why do we need 567,000 copies of the same bitch doing the same shit its lost its meaning besides "you did it"

like ................... no

and i dont wanna be different either and throw my hand in and see who can do it better cause why its so dumb

live ur life like ??? u gone spend ur 20s and 30s chasing after whats not yours ............... no thx

[vanesasengg]

Goslingnation fanfic number 1

Theres always a popular group in high schools. We had one too. And you know the quiet,loser kid. Thats me,Jack. Im in my senior grade and i have a crush on this guy. You've guessed it. Tyler. The most popular kid in school. I always liked him but he has a hot blond girlfriend. I dont know why i like him. We havent talked even once. But i can feel it in his eyes...His blue eyes...He always looks at me in school. Class, cafeteria, even while im pissing. Does he wants to make fun of me or he actually feels something? I don't know.

I was sitting in my desk then someone throw a paper ball to my head. I looked at it. "Meet me in school gym at 12 p.m. Dont be late." No names. I looked around. Everyone was minding their own business. I hoped it is Tyler and waited for the class end.

12 pm. No one was in the school gym. I decided to wait for a couple minutes. God i swear if this is a prank... Then saw someones silhouette. Amy? Tylers boyfriend Amy.

+Amy what are you doing here?

-Uhm Jack. You are waiting for me actually.

+What? Amy you have a boyfriend.

-I know but he is a dick. I wanted a more quiet guy. I know you like me too. I've seen you look at me

Actually i was looking at Tyler. But i needed someone desperatly and she was one of the hottest girls in school.

+Yeah you've caught me

-So what do you say?

i kissed her without thinking anything. She was surprised. Then she kissed me again. I hold her by her waist. She was holding my face in her hands. I could feel her tongue.

-Okay okay stop. Not in here. See you later Jack.

She walked out of the school gym. I was stand there like 3 minutes then left. I couldnt believe myself. I kissed my crush's girlfriend?

+Marla we need to talk

Marla was my only friend in school

-yeah what happened?

+Amy kissed me

-she did what? you know she is tylers girlfriend.how could you?

+i-i dont know

-i cant belive you Jack.

+ yeah yeah. you are just jealous.

After school i was walking to my house. Tylers house is two blocks away from mine.

-Hey Jack!

he knew my...name?

+ Uh.H-hey Tyler

-You are acting weird. Anyways wanna come over tonight and i dont know do something.

+Y-yeah sure. Is 8 okay?

-Perfect,See you!

What is happening today? Why Tyler and Amy wants to hang out with me? Im probably overthinking...

8 pm. I putt on my jeans and Radiohead shirt. Tyler liked Radiohead.

*knock knock*

+ Hey tyler!

-Hey Jack. Come in.

+Wow you have a nice room.

-Yeah. I liked your shirt

BLUSHED. First compliment he gave to me.

+what did you wanted to do?

-we are boys here. you know what we should do.

what was he talking about

-you were single right?

+ uh yeah why?

-nothing. would you like a drink?

+ uh n- i didnt want him to think im a pussy yeah sure.

he gave me a glass of bear

-how is your life?

+meh. trying to live

i took a sip. *cough* u never drank alcohol

-lets have fun now.

+fun? how

he kissed me. HE.KISSED.ME. what did just happened. my body stopped controlling itself and just stood there.

-heyy! Jack wake up! are you drunk on one sip of beer?

+ im sorry yeah.

-you are fine. get naked.

+ug-h what?

-you've heard me

i didnt know Tyler was someone like that. I knew he was horny but damn. i slowly get naked.

+ Tyler what are we going to do?

-What do you think?

+ i dont know but its something sexual for sure.

he grabbed me by arm and pulled. slowly put his lips on mine.

-open your mouth

i have oppened my mouth. he let his tongue go inside of my mouth.

-sit on my bed

+ okay...whatever you say

he sit on my lap. pushed me to his bed. he smelled like cigarettes. He slowly go inside.

+T-tyler awg

i couldnt breathe.

+ngh...faster

i moaned

-*giggles*thats enough big boy.

that was it? i got up. i was sweaty. He was breathing heavily.

+What does that mean. I thought you didnt even know me.

-im always looking at you? ive always liked you Jack.

+oh...thats nice

he lit his cigarettes. i coughed again.

-you are too weak. be my boyfriend. let me make you feel alive.

+ ive always wanted to be your boyfriend.uh so what we should do know?

he drank my beer.

-you should stay here tonight.

+yeah if thats okay with you.

-yeah sure

i lay down on his bed.he did the same. we cuddled.

i woke up. 9 a.m. i was late. where is tyler? saw a note on his desk

"you were sleeping so cute. didnt want to wake you up" great. now i missed the school. i get dressed and go to my school.

-Hey Jack!!

+oh hi Amy

shit!i forgot about amy. hey amy yeah i fucked your boyfriend yesterday but no i still love you.

dont lie Jack. you never liked Amy.

+Amy..i dont like you anymore

-Excuse me?

+ive said i dont like you anymore. sorry.

she started crying. eh. getting dumped by schools loser must've broken her ego.

+hey Tyler!

-hey babygirl. you wake up from your beauty sleep huh.

+yeah i did. see you in the class.

i needed to talk to Marla

+marla hey. im sorry about yesterday but you arent going to belive what happened. Tyler and i had sex.he is inlove with me

-You think hes in love with you? you know he is only using you to make Amy Jealous right? Whole school is talking about you and Amy. Tyler saw you two while kissing.

+ what are you talking about?

-talk to tyler.

what was she talking about. i couldnt breathe. was she telling the truth? i needed to talk to tyler.

+Hey you motherfucker!

-Hey hey hey? whats going on?

+ Amy huh? you dont like me back?

-what are you talking about?

+you tried to make amy jealous... i cant belive you

-babe its not what it looks like *tries to kiss*

i pushed him

+dont touch me. defend yourself. what is this whole thing. explain.

-...okay you were right. the reason ive invited you over was making you break up with amy and make me and Amy get back together. but yesterday. i fell inlove with you

my eyes watered. he tried to kiss me. i didnt do anything. he kissed me kissed me and kissed me. nothing.

-Jack please *he started crying* please forgive me.

i was so in love i had to forgive him

+i do

kissed back

happily ever after

[prince-tulip]

Im so terrified. I dont want to get hurt. Its not even been a month and i am so fucking obsessed and invested and i definitely want to be, i know what i feel and do want but its like damn I got hurt so fucking devastatingly bad this year that literally killed me, the levels of despair i cannot feel again, i am not strong enough for that, i barely have made it back to reality and its like as soon as i get the hang of things, things get crazy again and its like everything is exactly how ive always wanted them to be right now and i couldn't be more happy cause i truly know what i feel and when things are at its best, god its so fucking perfect but i feel im not able to talk to anyone yet or be more open about stuff cause i feel like a secret, like ill get casted out again..like i worry i am getting kept in the dark so i dont see or experience something bad, like for example they dont have me on their social media at all and i feel weird and scared about asking or getting on there and getting triggered by something and that maybe im just being used for validation and as a rebound because im so forgiving and easy to talk to or something.. in return its causing me to not know what's really happening, am i what they want? Are they talking to anyone else? Do they think so highly of me like i do them? Do they recognize the way we move together and talk to eachother? Is it as meaningful to them as it is me? Its like i know would lie about where they were or what they wang and their true intentions before, so why wouldn't they lie again? But at the same time thats not fair, cause its like i coukd very well be accused of being shitty too and still actually not be doing anything shitty and its like man..i feel like ive been living a honest and decent life, i maybe do keep to myself a bit much but i just enjoy my company and also not feeling like i have to explain myself caused ik people often times feel they have a say in things when they do not..i dont think bad things are happening behind my back the last two weeks or so and things have been magical and passionate and full of conversations, synchronized behavior, mutual understanding, growth, literally alway being able to meet in the middle on something, the dynamics i adore, we are so different but so much alike and I love it with all my being and im continuesly betting on the good things but that first week and a half idk..things seemed really off at certain moments that maybe hinted at things but again i can get very paranoid and of course cant control someone's actiona..I just dont want to throw awayy boundaries in attempts to please and i feel ive done that already in a lot of ways but by simultaneously finding such new perspectives and found love that was always there just stuck and idk i guess the feeling of trust has become so hard this year. Ever since January and in between i felt very used and thown away and lied to because i was to a degree i guess and even if ive done wrong in the past and yeah did i royally do some stupid fucking idiot type shit but ik it doesn't justify getting hurt back and i had to really come to terms with that. I had let go of that crazy person in me that would stay up two days straight crying and obsessing over what was and what is and whats happening without me, while drunk or high out of my mind constantly and go through the loneliness, the guilt, the shame, the loss all on my own in a small room with literally no one to talk to and forcing myself to come as close to dying as possible and finally move on from everything aweful in my life ever and do my best to block out every single god aweful image or notion in my head that i would get, causing insecurities and paranoia that i didn't know i was capable of...im really trying to make sense of everything cause everything is so fucking touchy right now but still having to push through and communicate and understand and love with all of my heart and vice versa I think wins every time and i feel life has been showing me that

[thisdogpaystaxes]

i need u to come forward

i am listening to peripheral vision by turnover and i'm so fucking high and i know what you are saying and i am enamored. not that you'd listen to this album idrk your music always surprises me for some reason its exciting and the cutest thing. theres only two people this could be and i feel like you also would be sweet enough to randomly check my blog some time bc i mention it a lot bc it feels good to think and i'll read it when the time is right maybe.

im going insane a lot of this feels like im the most defensive human being on earth and i need to explain a lot. YES!

the kind of high where you can just fucking eat a bagel wit nothing. not even a little toast.

i was in my bathroom just peeing and i'm like really high and i'm getting over a really big cry i had to myself in my room like i was literally N O T! okay. nothing to talk about i just had a rly cute hypochondriac moment and freaked out xD this edible is fucking freaking me out. so like you know whatim feelingdude. the downplay is placed above this and im so sorry it took so long for you to get to the point, but im allowing myself to organize my thoughts so this will be direct at one point and wait i should test this. but also i need to THINK because im high and this is my diary and i want to think and im okay with people seeing what i think bc quite frankly i am always always thinking and working through shit and i understand people in weird ways.

back to the thing that u did.

i was pissing and i looked in my shower. so PINK. but it wasnt.. two days prior. flashback to my first shower when i got home from san diego and i was like, "shit this shower is not real." i was also high. maybe i am fucking insane. no i'm not no no no. lets talk. talk to me!!!!!

all of my bottles were slightly different. and the water felt different. i had an exquisite shower. and i didn't wash the pink off until after i shaved and exfoliated and washed my face and sighed and thought about why life is pain. i realized the shower was getting a little pinker and i ignored it. and duringthepart when i was fucking grabbing my shampoo, i noticed the shampoo i always keep in the corner because i only use it to wash my bangs and i did the day i left only. S showered after me and cleaned my bathroom once but it all got fucked because we had a party and got drunk and had a 9/11 in there so it was all cleaned while being an ineberiated vessel. L also is at my place a lot and she likes to clean.

so come forward. that is the fucking most beautiful thing and i literally can't explain to you how insane that is and i love you. but also if there was maybe someone in my apartment bc i actually had left a door open or someone did and i didnt notice? this is deflection i need to shut UP THATS FOR LATER FOR YOU

why did you rearrange all of my bottles when you knew iwouldn't see. i had a fucking social battery 9/11 that i needed to recover from like i needed to shower. you know i like being alone and that the shower is intimate. IT WAS HIDDDDDEEN.

it was really cute and i love you and i need to know who you are. like i cried my eyes out. it meant the world to me to see that. because its such a big message to do that to someone, and you know i personally wouldn't mind that in my shower. you know you're so fucking welcome to do that and theres ONLY TWO OF YOUS!!!!!

if it was anyone else i would probably sleep in a pool of vomit for a week

i dont know how to ask because i know this is a code thing but also im getting a little less high and im going to second guess this, but thats like intimate??? im not crazy. also if for some reason you both said yes id get violent......

i need to eat my sweet treat and watch degrassi, and you know i love you because im spending my. valuable alone time, before watching degrassi, to just decipher who it is because it was just gorgeous. am i crazy for being moved right now......... or do u get me. like u get it. i need to eat this croissant. idk how to ask this ill figure it out i need to digest my existence more. thanks that was cute like literally the e basis is like you cleaned my bathroom but like no you organized it like you would and that's cute i love seeing that i like that

[audible--silence]

“I’m a walking talking never shutting the fuck up tequila tour”

-

The mexican taxi driver sings along to marion ryan as we drive to the airport in comfortable silence. Mexico I’ll miss you

-

Whatd mexico teach u

I learned how to make friends, older with less patience

I learned to be uncomfortable again

I learned to learn is important

I learned that the good times need effort and risk

—

The sun hits different in Guatemala

-

A country that makes no sense

That works hard but never works

Rich in culture but poor of pocket

Maddeningly massive and chronically chaotic yet personal and real and increasingly sensible

“You cant fix someone that doesn’t feel love”

An old bar with enough charm to help you forget what goes on outside those walls is all you need to be reminded of the joys of pure judgement

At least they make money

People on the street drunk and high

Passed out

Not ok

Walking with strangers

People pissing on the street

Fireworks sounding horribly like gunshots

Old ladys speaking in Spanish

Cobblestone roads damn near claiming my ankles

My laptop in my bag

My hostel about to close

$140 spent on a girl i never had a shot with

What am I doing

Why am I knowingly wasting my time

“So his injuries totaled 2.2 million and he gets to the end of all his surgeries and looks and tells me, I finally feel like my life is worth something”

overheard conversation of annoying Americans

“Yeah a heart attack aint that bad, it hurts for three minutes then youre done”

same guys, about the same guy

“Did you get a moscow mule or tea?”

The guilt that I feel from traveling

To a place where my very existence here

Indicates my privilege.

I feel a resentment

A judging

An envy

I dont know even think thats the people

I think thats my own guilt.

To see people with nothing

And even those better off

Struggling

Never to be capable of even dreaming of the life i lead

Here an now

In their country

Let alone back in mine.

To know that all around the world, people would consider me the luckiest of the luckiest.

And they’re right

And i know it.

I should act like it.

We all should.

When life gives u lemons, give em to someone else as a blessing - bens wisdom

“I fall in a little bit of love with a lot of people, all of the time” - Not Wife - Shakey Graves

“And the entire continent of South America said “oh fuck”

“Yeahhhhh i think you might be un poco fucked in that case”

Say for example you decide to treat your very treatable cancer with orange juice and yoga, as an adult, you’re within your rigjts to do so

He came, he saw, he said nah

10/10 doctors say you should dance until the room stops spinning

Gatorade and lollipops

Ketamine always makes me sneeze

You cant remember all of it

Which is what makes it so damn appealing

The sound of a rooster in Guatemala, the way a sweet old abuela says your name when she needs help and the way the light graces the mountains and the lake

I wont remember it all,

So I better enjoy it now

Being a woman sucks but at least i dont have to contend with balding

Your dungarees get more action than you do

Do you reckon they race babies or just frogs n shit?

People kept saying that like “wow good on you!” But in reality we’re actually just idiots you know?

“Fucking Jermain!”

“I dont have a bank account. I’m an economist”

“If i drink too much I’ll just fall asleep”

“I wish i did”

“I wish you did too”

You know what

As i sit here reading my old notes

I take it back

I wasn’t bad

I was tired

Sore

And hurt

“You’re a good person”

Says the sweetest, most beautiful person I’ve met in a minute

With a crowd full of people I brought together

In a situation not unusual to me.

I cant be that bad

I just need to remind myself that i am good

And remind myself how to focus on one person.

Instead of every fuckn mf that calls themselves a model

[spectracully]

crash the crush.

pairings : senior student!xiaojun x sophomore student!reader warnings : profanity, underage drinking, mentions of drugs genre : fluff, a bit of crack? highschool!au word count : 4.3k

summary : what are the odds of crashing into your crush during the neighborhood-friendly run and mutual friends party?

You were pissed off when your mum said you need to work your lazy ass off. Well, if it's on the summer break, you'll most likely agree with her. But it's only the weekend, and you've been studying your ass off these days. A lazy weekend is something you earned, but your mum decided to rain on your lazy parade.

With all those groans and deep sighs, you storm off your house wearing your workout gear. Not much, only a windbreaker jacket paired with shorts and running shoes. Popping your airpods on both of your ears to blast some jams, you take some light jogging steps on your neighborhood. It's only 4.30 pm, and kinda windy, why the fuck are you doing this? That's right, because mum literally compared you to your neighbor's daughter, Giselle, who recently won a karate tournament. Now mum won't even shut up how much she wants an active daughter, not the lazy one. Yikes.

Back to the streets by Saweetie & Jhene Aiko plays, and you hear a message notification on your airpods. Still on your light jogs, you glance at the notification.

yeri<3 : yo yeri<3 : wyd

You stop jogging for a while to write your bestfriend back. It's saturday, she's probably asking you to hangout along with the gang. Yeri gets easily bored at home and in constant need of hanging out.

y/n : running  💃 💃 💃 y/n : mum said i need to be giselle

You continue your pace while waiting for her reply. You can see your neighborhood clearly now, seeing the details, since you always go to school in a sleepy state, not really noticing the environment, and also going home from school mostly sleeping in your brother's car.

The notification rings again. It must be Yeri.

yeri<3 : bitch thats a dancing emoji yeri<3 : running in a weather like this? yeri<3 : damn straight u wanna be giselle

You chuckle as you’re about to type the messages once more, the weather is fine, what the hell is she talking about? But then Yeri is still typing. 

yeri<3 : n e ways yeri<3 : party at lucas' 8pm yeri<3 : be there or be fucking square 💀 💀 💀

You sigh. There she goes. No other option than tag along with her, but it's not like you hate it anyway. Lucas' party is always awesome, you and your friends also will get a VIP pass because he's a good friend of yours too, despite the fact that you're not even in the same grade as him, he's one year above you and Yeri.

y/n : weather is nice dont jinx it y/n : fine but pick me up y/n : cuz doyoung won't let me drive his car

You send the messages to Yeri to prove her the weather is fine, and indicates that you agree to go to Lucas' house tonight, it's a great night to probably get wasted after all those tiring run mum decided to toss on you. It's gonna be fun, anyways. But the thing about hanging out with Lucas and his senior friends.. You might've developed a big fat crush with one of Lucas' closest friends, Xiaojun. 

You barely had an interaction with him, though, because he's usually the quiet and calm one in Lucas' closest friends group. Lucas himself is already so fucking loud, not to mention Hendery, the good-looking clown and moodmaker. There's also Jungwoo, the one who looks very calm but actually won't shut up once you talk to him. Mark too, the giggly one with some lame jokes. Well, going to Lucas' party tonight means you can see Xiaojun, probably getting the chances that you'll have some interaction over some boozes or something is also quite high.

After feeling all warmed up, you decide to give yourself a run around the block. Yeri's right, it's a funny weather to run. It's windy, but the more you stay outside, the cloud is getting darker and darker. You also knew that you're not really alone, who's doing this athletic bullshit in this kind of weather, you noticed that a boy is also doing this silly run when you were typing messages to Yeri. Probably just another neighbor's child being scolded by his mum of how Giselle is so athletic that his mum also wants an active son? Welp, you didn't see his face anyway, you were glued to the phone when you saw the figure running from the side.

It's not even a minute after you started running, Yeri already replied again. Is she really that bored that she doesn't have anything to do?

yeri<3 : ok i'll pick u up at 7 yeri<3 : um.. its fucking raining, y/n yeri<3 : go home and take a shower yeri<3 : pick ur clothes and put on some makeup instead yeri<3 : its saturday night, activate your hoe protocol yeri<3 : mr xiaojun is going to be there tonight

You stop running and stare at her messages. Raining? Is she drunk or what? It's not even 5pm yet and here she is, hallucinating-

Oop. There it goes. You feel some water drops on your head. Your hand. It was slow at first, but then the raindrops are getting harder and harder, it's pouring. 

"Motherfu-" you let out a curse, you should've trusted Yeri on this. As an intuitive homo sapiens with XX chromosomes, you scan through the streets, looking for some shelter to wait the rain to stop. Spotting a bus stop with a large steel canopy, you run like your life depended on it, avoiding the rain.

Finally arriving, you sigh and sit on the installed chair, typing messages to Yeri.

y/n : omg bitch ur right its raining y/n : should've pretended im dead in my room so mum wont bug me y/n : u know what after the rain ends im gonna sprint back home and take a fucking shower y/n : the universe doesnt like it when im trying to be giselle, it gave me rain instead

You sigh as you shuffle through your playlist, looking for some fun jams to pass your time through the rain, when somebody suddenly approaches you.

"Hi, do you mind if I take a seat here?" a boy asks, pointing to the chair next to you. You look up, and suddenly the next thing you wanna do is ascend your soul the fuck out of your body to the sky. 

Oh boy. It's Xiaojun. The boy you won't shut up about. He’s wearing a white loose tank and grey sweatpants, drenched in his own sweat. Oh god. This is truly an attack for you. What the fuck is he doing here? And why must you meet him at your mess like being all salty because of those running fiasco and the rain? While wearing your not-so-fashionable workout gear and not-so-tidy ponytails? Oh god.

You can feel your heart is about to explode when you realize that he is actually the person who is also doing the stupid running at this very weather, you just didn't notice it sooner because you were on your damn phone. Damn, mum was right, everything happened because you were always on your damn phone.

"No, of course! Take a seat!" you answer him, trying your best to crack your sweetest smile although it's more like sweatiest not sweetest.

He smiles back at you, taking a seat next to you, then his eyes get back to his phone, completely glued. Damn this is the only cardio that is worth it, no running, no jumping, no huff that huff this, only sitting next to Xiaojun on a rainy day on a bus stop. Wonderful.

You quickly whip up the messaging app to type all kinds of gibberish and send it to Yeri. She knows what shit is about to go down when you speak gibberish to her.

y/n : FUCKJSHSJJSKSJK YERI y/n : OH MY FUCKING GOD SJSGSJSHSKJSK

Lucky you, Yeri has nothing to do than respond to your messages, she stays put on the chat room.

yeri<3 : OMG BITCH WHAT yeri<3 : SKSHSJJSKS YOU SCARED ME

y/n : HE's FUCKING HERE AHSJSHSJEK

yeri<3 : OMG WHOS HE?? yeri<3 : THE DEVIL??? IS HE GONNA TAKE UR SOUL? SKEJSJKSKSK

y/n : XIAOJUN y/n : TURNS OUT HE ALSO LIVES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD

yeri<3 : ASKJSJSKSK WHAT yeri<3 : HOW

y/n : KAHSKSJKS omg bitch y/n : i was sheltering myself from the goddamn rain y/n : im in bus stop rn y/n : this angel came to accompany me y/n : HE WAS RUNNING TOO OMG y/n : omg yeri just so u know if im not there when u pick me up y/n : its bc im in church getting married with my man xiaojun

yeri<3 : BITCH OMG SKSKSKSKK yeri<3 : GET MARRIED RN yeri<3 : WAIT dont waste the chance yeri<3 : talk to him rn!!!

You swear you're about to scream when Yeri sends that. She was actually right, this is your chance to talk to him, considering that you didn't really interact that much with him. But really? He didn't even say a word when he sat, probably didn't even remember your name? The disappointment slowly gets into your head.

You freeze on the spot. torn between wanting to talk to him and just let it slide, you'll see him again tonight as Lucas' house, right?

Just when you decide to give up and not say a word, he turns his head to you.

"Hey, I didn't know you live in this neighborhood too," he starts.

Oh god. If every time your heart beats fast you get a dollar, you'd probably have your own private island by now.

You try to play it cool when actually on the inside you wanna scream I LIKE YOU to his face rn. "Oh? Oh yes, my house is number 13." you answer calmly,

He cracks a smile, “13? You’re Doyoung’s little sister?”

Oh god. What the fuck is this clownery? He knows Doyoung? Why and how? At this rate you just wanna evaporate to the rain, what if Doyoung actually knows that you liked Xiaojun and he spills it? Oh god. 

You smile back at him, holding the panic you’ve been keeping since he mentioned Doyoung’s name. “Yep. I’m his sister.”

“Oh god, why didn’t I notice that earlier? I could’ve taken care of you at school!” he exclaims, and you sure you just wanna evaporate to the rain. Him? Taking care of you at school? YES PLEASE!

You let out a small giggle, trying to be as calm as possible when in reality you’re very sure you just wanna melt like a goddamn popsicle on a hot summer day. “So, how do you know my brother, actually?”

He laughs a bit, wiping away the sweat on his forehead. Oh god, he’s just so beautiful. “Well.. Doyoung and I used to be a dynamic duo in the school's choir, until he graduated.”

Oh, that. Doyoung is pretty serious about his career in the school’s choir, but you did not expect that Xiaojun is actually a part of it. Of course, he has the face of an angel, the voice is included.

“Now I know why Doyoung never let me come to his house. Turns out he has a cute- I mean, h-he has a sister, and that’s you! M-Maybe he’s afraid I’ll bother you or s-something.” he continues, stuttering a bit, and letting out an awkward laugh. You laugh again, feeling the blood rushing to your cheeks that you can’t hide no more. DID HE JUST SAY DOYOUNG HAS A CUTE SISTER? DID HE JUST SAY YOU’RE CUTE? DID HE-

But then, good things always come to an end. The goddamn rain stops. Oh fuck, no more chitter chatter with the dear crush. Just when it is the fucking time you need to hear the goddamn wedding bells, the rain decided to stop on your rain parade. Fuck.

He looks up, and seems like noticing the rain has stopped. “Well, Y/n. Lucas is having a party tonight, are you coming?”

You can feel your cheeks are still heating from his words, you shyly nod to him. Welp, maybe the rain has stopped, but this stupid crush? No. It goes on. Very much.

He stands up, straightening his white loose tank, getting ready to probably sprint back home. “Okay. See you tonight then, I’m going home. Have a good run!” he says as he walks away from the bus stop, leaving you dumbfounded. And lovestruck. That’s a win, alright.

Xiaojun slowly fades away from your view, and you’re still drowning on your pool of love. Yep, that’s it. You can’t even hold it, you quickly dial Yeri’s number to break out the news.

“What is it, Y/n? You literally left me on read for like 14 minutes straight and now you-”

“YERI LISTEN I’M GETTING MARRIED TONIGHT AND THAT’S A FUCKING FACT!” you shout to the phone, you can picture Yeri is probably goggling out her eyes right now.

“Girl, just because Xiaojun just asked you why the fuck were you running at times like this it doesn’t mean-”

“HE CALLED ME CUTE!” you blurted out,cutting her sentences for the second time,

“-you’re getting married- WHAT?? HE CALLED YOU WHAT?” Yeri yelled from the phone, now it’s pretty clear that Yeri is probably jumping her ass off right now.

You sprint your way to home, while holding your phone to your ears, continuing to give Yeri the details about the bus stop conversation you had earlier. Now she’s just yelling at you to pick the right dress and pamper yourself up, the probability you’ll marry Xiaojun at Lucas’ party is increasing. Sure it does.

-------

It’s 11.28 PM, 3 hours and a half since you and Yeri just arrived at Lucas’ house, escaping from Doyoung’s warning to you, to get back in one piece, and most importantly, sober. As if you’re gonna leave Lucas’ house sober, that’s funny, alright. You and Yeri were greeted by Yangyang and Donghyuck, who are currently setting up the table for snacks and drinks. That was probably the first time you saw Donghyuck ever setting up something, because if not, Jungwoo would’ve set his ass on fire.

The party madness has started, seems like everybody already has enough alcohol running on their system. Lucas is already losing his shirt and starts twerking in the middle of his house along with Jaemin and Jungwoo. Ah yes, the thot trio already started their thing, and all you have to do is just stay back and avoid getting dragged to the dance mess, because the chance of Jungwoo and Jaemin will start grinding at you is kinda high right now.. Considering their.. Twerking fiasco.

You sit back on the couch and watch your friends getting crazy over the playlist Yangyang made just for this event, sipping on your cocktails that Donghyuck put god-knows-what in it, he said it’s just cherry juice mixed with gin and brandy, but somehow it tastes kinda citrusy. You glance to the right, only to see Yeri making out with some random guy (probably one of Lucas’ friends named Changbin but oh well, that’s Yeri’s business).

Slightly grossed out and sad because apparently you’re not making out with Xiaojun right now, you make your way to the patio, and find the crowd that circle around a spinning bottle. Interested, you join Jeno, Mark, Renjun, Yeji, Hyunjin, Sungchan, Karina, Vernon, Hendery, and of course, the (hottest) most important person right now, Xiaojun.

“Welcome! As a newly joined member.. Truth or dare?” Jeno greets you as you take a seat between Mark and Sungchan. Well, you’d love to sit beside Xiaojun, but apparently, that seat is already taken by Hendery and Vernon.

You silently glance at Xiaojun, who is wearing a denim jacket with light-yellow knit top underneath, paired with white trousers. Damn, he looks so damn good that you wanna cry a river.

Your head comes back to the question Jeno asked. Today’s your day, be bold or bald. It’s time. “Well, I’m not gonna put my drunk antics to waste. Dare then.” you answer boldly, earning a few ‘ooooh’s from your friends.

Jeno snickers. Well, fuck. Guess you’re a bit too damn bold tonight, the realization suddenly hits you like a fucking trainwreck, Jeno is kinda extreme for games like this. Wrong choice, y/n. You gulp as you wait for Jeno to come up with something.

“I dare you to kiss Xiaojun!” Jeno exclaims, clapping both of his hands like a goddamn happy seal. Mark and Hendery are high-fiving right now, throwing whistles around Xiaojun, who is silent as a fucking rock.

Oh god. Things you’ve said about not putting your drunk antics to waste should’ve stayed in that goddamn draft. This is where Jeno takes you, even though you’re secretly happy that you finally get to kiss your goddamn crush, that shit is EMBARRASSING. If you wanna evaporate to the waters, then it’s probably the right time to do it.

But why Xiaojun though? Is your big fat crush on him too obvious?

You freeze on the spot as you awkwardly smile and stare at Jeno. This shit can’t be real. Jeno is goddamn crazy. You can feel the air is getting hot, whether it’s because the alcohol starts kicking in, or just because the blood is rushing through your head.

“Scared, aren’t you?” Jeno taunts you, sipping his beer as the rest of the group laugh except you and Xiaojun, who is currently staring at you with a questionable expression. Is he pleased? Or is he pissed? Oh god.

“I-I’m not!” you answer him, leaning to Xiaojun, gulping once more before asking him, “You’re okay with this though?”

Xiaojun smirks, “How can I say no to you?” he asks back, accompanied by a few ‘ayyy~’ from the boys, sending butterflies to your stomach. Your face is probably as red as a tomato by now.

Good god. Is this the same Xiaojun who is quiet, calm, and collected among his friends? Why suddenly he is so bold? Oh, he’s probably just drunk and won’t remember this kiss anyway.. You lean closer to him, closing the gap between his face and yours by sealing the kiss. His lips are soft yet firm, almost like a grape jelly you had earlier this afternoon, with a hint of vodka, of course.

After a few seconds, you finally pull out and linger your eyes on him. It’s beautiful, and mesmerizing. You just wish that you can see it again, and only for you, no one else. As you get back to your seat, you take one more last glance at him, that is currently also glancing at you, with his cheeks red.

Okay. You definitely heard the wedding bells, thanks Jeno. That’s probably one of your dreams, and thanks to Jeno, it came true. But unfortunately, Xiaojun probably won’t feel the same, or worse, he’ll probably forget about it tomorrow.

Everyone claps, exchanging happy exclaims and cheers as if you just said ‘I do’ to Xiaojun lol, when in reality, you were just doing the dare Jeno gave you. You gulp bitterly as the game goes on and on.

-----

It’s an hour past midnight, 1.12 AM to be exact. Thank god you’re not that shitfaced, but Yeri is. She is not even capable of doing anything anymore except being all smiley and shit, Changbin already drove her home like fifteen minutes ago, leaving you behind in Lucas’ lair. You suddenly felt the urge to thank god that Yeri made a fantastic decision last minute before picking you up, she used a taxi instead of driving. If she hadn’t, you’re probably stuck driving her home right now.

You scan through the house while leaning through the stair railings, looking for an easy target to get a free ride. Finally spotted your friends, you now have 3 choices : Donghyuck (who is currently seducing some random girl), Yangyang (who is now playing mobile games with Jaemin and Chenle), or Mark (who recently just hit a goddamn blunt, but he’s very capable to drive).

You sip your glass of water, making up your mind for your ride home. But then, suddenly someone taps on your shoulder.

“Do you wanna go home? Like, right now? I can drive you- I mean, our house is like, near.” you hear Xiaojun speaking to you, holding his car keys on his left hand.

Good gracious, is this even real? Like, Xiaojun, is actually asking you to go home with him? Is this real? Or are you just hallucinating from the goddamn weed you take 10 minutes ago from Lucas?

You stare at him blankly. He bit his lip, “I mean- If you wanna stay longer- or probably-”

“Yes, of course! Let’s go.” you smile at him, cutting off his words.

3 times in a day. Good job, Y/n! The wedding is up ahead!

He smiles and gives you a gesture, “Ladies first.”

-

The drive is not as awkward as you thought. Turns out, Xiaojun is full of surprise though, you nearly choked when he said he once formally apologized to Doyoung before he stood up to defend the dignity of Mint Chocolate Chip flavored ice cream. It’s delightful to find out that he has similar tastes as you, from ice cream flavor to music and school subjects.

Xiaojun also told you the reason why he was on the run earlier, he was bored. Damn, look at it, the difference between a forced daughter whose mum wants an active child, and a bored model-student. He said he didn’t expect to see you because he was embarrassed, he was drenched in sweat.

You can feel the butterflies on your stomach grow wilder and wilder from every word he said, or maybe it’s just the way he smiles when he talks to you? Welp, if it’s anything to do with Xiaojun, you’ll most likely get butterflies.

Just when you thought he was drunk, he is not. He’s capable of driving you home and carrying on some fun convos, also remembering little things. So.. perhaps, he is not going to forget the kiss you shared because of Jeno’s dare?

As you keep on exchanging conversation with him, suddenly it’s time to get off his car and get back to your house, get ready to deal with Doyoung’s nags and scolds for getting home this late.

You giggle as you take the seat belt off, smiling at the brown haired boy.

“Thank you for driving me home, Xiaojun. It was fun.” you say to him, waving him goodbye as you open the door. He smiles and waves back at you.

Just when you’re about to open the gate of your house, you hear the sound of slamming car doors. You turn around and see Xiaojun standing in front of you, eyes sparkling like a goddamn star. Unfortunately, it’s not Christmas.. If it is, all you want for Christmas is to stare at Xiaojun’s beautiful eyes all day, and probably get married to him.

“Um.. Y/n.. I don’t know how to say this but.. The kiss you gave me earlier, it’s kinda..” he starts, smiling sheepishly.

Oh god, what now? It’s kinda what? Gross? You swear you’ll kill Jeno if you hear that from Xiaojun.

You gaze at him as you wait for him to complete his sentences.

“It’s kinda.. Making me feel.. Things.” he finally continues, rubbing the back of his neck while looking away from you, flustered. It’s pretty cute.

You giggle at him a little, the butterflies come back, or maybe they never even left?

“Don’t laugh, Y/n. I’m being honest, I was pretty embarrassed to run into you during sheltering, and now you’re laughing at me for-”

You let out a big laugh before you pull him to another kiss. This one is a bit longer, more passionate and intimate, unlike the one you had before. He cups your cheek as you feel him smiling during the kiss.

“I’m sorry if I invaded your privacy- but your fast typing was very.. Intriguing.. I might’ve seen you texting Yeri at the bus stop.” he giggles after you pull out from the kiss.

Yikes. You feel like you’re about to burst now. He saw you texting Yeri? What kind of clownery is this? Did he see you typing- oh god, that’s too embarrassing to remember.

“No! That’s too embarrassing!” you cover your face, he laughs once more.

“Now, which church are we going to? I’m pretty sure you said we’re getting married tonight, right?” he takes your hands off your face, grinning widely.

You pout and lightly hit him, only to be attacked by his hugs a second later. Aww, finally, dreams do come true. You stay on his embrace for a few more minutes, no talking, just comfortable silence and realization that you’re on Xiaojun’s arms right now.

You glance at your watch, Doyoung would be furious by now. Telling him that you really have to go before Doyoung can rise from his sleep and beat your ass, you finally wave goodbye to him as he gets back to his car.

Finally entering the house, you’re greeted by Doyoung who’s standing in front of you, holding a bowl of salad on his right hand.

“So, kissing Xiaojun in front of my salad?” he raises his eyebrow.

You stick out your tongue as you make your way upstairs. Technically, not in front of Doyoung’s salad, because the door was closed. He’s probably looking through the window, such a nosy brother. You laugh at the thought of Doyoung getting furious while eating his salad as you get a message.

Xiaojun : so, see you at school? Xiaojun : can’t wait to hold your hand on monday ;)

[whaleofatjme1920]

HEY B GIMMIE THAT SWEET SWEET RIVAL MATCHUP U ALREADY KNO

You already know who this is but ill still give u a hot rundown: My names Ally, im 20 years old 5’7’’ and a Leo/year of the dragon/INFP. She/They pronouns and im Pansexual but i dont think that matters much in this situation >:P. Appearance wise i have shoulder length curly red hair and green/grey eyes, suuuuper pale skin and freckles. Im def an ambivert, very protective of people who mean alot to me and kind of sharp tempered, especially when people start talking about shit they dont know anything about. Im also a pretty big perfectionist and people pleaser and will beat the FUCK outta myself if i feel like i let people down or made people upset when i could have helped it. But thats all about me, heres those wacky questions!

- Stated before, but im an August Leo! I would say my aura would probably be a pinkish/ purple color? For dislikes i def dont like bitter foods, being too hot, rumors, people talking behind my back, ppl who act like they know what theyre talking about, ppl cutting me off when i lose my train of thought, conservatives, not caring about climate change/the planet in general, tight or restrictive clothes, not having enough time in the day, capitalism, ect. Honestly the most off the wall thing for me that would make me throw hands on sight would probably be someone saying some shit about my close friends behind their back to me.

- Once when I was 14 me and about 10 other people squeezed into a mini van at about 3am and drove around the town, not a single one of us had a license or were over the age of 16, and we were all ridiculously drunk and high the entire time (except the driver. we were underage, not stupid). After driving halfway across the island we got pulled over by cop on the interstate, and he walked up to the car, looked at the driver, then into the passenger seat and saw literally 10 KIDS OBVIOUSLY DRINKING and the car absolutely reeked of bud, then looked back at the driver and simply told him “Your tail light is out. Get home safe” and drove away. Ive never seen god faster than that moment LMAO

- I could never willingly fight a raccoon, youre sick for suggesting that >:/ They are precious boys and ive saved too many from drowning in my pool for me to lay a finger on one. And as for dealbreakers? My biggest one in a relationship is cheating, but thats pretty basic LMAO. I would also say one that’s definitely second in rank would be expecting someone to stay the same through out the relationship and getting upset when the person changes. We are human beings and developing and growing, if you dont support me in that nothing is going to work. I explained a bunch of things i dislike in people above, but ill also add in here people who hurt animals in any way/ litter for no reason. If one of my friends throws a piece of trash out of my car im slammin on the brakes and youre getting out and picking it up. And god forBID you touch an animal around me il doing whatever you did to it to yourself no hesitation.

- I would hate being stuck in a room with anyone, i have decently bad claustrophobia and if we were in there for more than a day i would start bugging out LOL But probably the worst type of person would be someone who just doesn’t shut up and trys to act like they know everything. Those are like, the most insufferable people to me. ESPECIALLY if theyre wrong and refuse to admit it. Whenever i think of being locked in a room, somehow i always imagine like a dark navy blue room with one small window and completely empty floors and walls, everything made out of carpet. Dont ask me why, i have absolutely no clue.

my feed back is ily bitch gimmie a good one i wanna fight a bitch

Your enemy is… Eyeless Jack!

In general:

I told you this yesterday but I wasn’t expecting you to send this in and must've spent like 5 straight minutes wheezing reading this. My gut reaction was Jeff, but based on what you wrote about the room, I’m going to say your enemy is actually Eyeless Jack!

Things he doesn’t like about you and how he pisses you off:

EJ doesn’t like that you’re a Leo. I’m not elaborating on that. He’s such a cold, clinical, heartless bastard that everything you are just goes against whatever tf he actually believes and acts as. I feel like you being a perfectionist would just brush against his perfectionist tendencies and habits. He’d say everything you’re doing is wrong. Just a dick. EJ may or may not exploit your weaknesses but that’s just because he thinks it’s fun and doesn’t like you.

EJ is a god of knowing what he’s talking about and it leads to this cocky, know it all attitude. It’s gonna brush you the wrong way. He knows that and takes joy in it. He will always attempt to one up you in knowledge and grin when he sees you falter. On the other end, if you catch him off guard he’s gonna be SO MAD. He will purposely turn up the heat in your presence just to make you upset. He will breathe down your neck and get in your personal space just to make you more uncomfortable. EJ isn’t anywhere NEAR a conservative or a climate change denier but he will take those positions just to make you mad and laugh over your attempts at arguing with him. Like Jeff, he’s a huge devil’s advocate and will start shit just because he can. I don’t actually think he’d talk about your friends negatively in front of you though, but he would definitely say stuff about you to your face.

EJ thinks it’s stupid you drank underage and will poke that memory. He will use insults about alcohol and the brain despite drinking a ton himself. If you call him out on it, he will fold. Literally throw everything he says about you back at him and he will get puffy and fast. EJ can’t always handle change that well so like, he’s a stubborn guy. Despite how logical he can be and how smart he is, socially he is so uncouth!! EJ doesn’t litter so you don’t have to worry about that but he’s definitely gonna do things that push your buttons, mostly say things that put you off. He’s not claustrophobic. He will put you in situations like that just because he can. The dark navy blue of his mask is going to haunt you. EJ will act like a god in your presence and snarl when you dare question his abilities. CALL HIM OUT. HUMBLE HIM PLEASE.

He agrees on the raccoon thing ngl. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but EJ has such a soft spot for animals - mostly birds - but he can’t fault you for the raccoon thing. He's also not too fond of litter so he has to agree with you on that one too.

Closing Thoughts/Other Things:

Knowing you for as long as I have, I was so, so ready to actually put you with Jeff. However, the more I read into this the more my intuition screeched that you would actually throw hands with EJ and I find that HILARIOUS. Just the arguments between you and this tall, muscular demon man is just - “what? What? WHAT” It’s beautiful. I’m serious, Merida vs. a literal demon. That’s all. Ily. <3

[samwinchestersgf]

sam winchester - jealous

summary: based off “jealous” by labrinth.

warnings: angst. sad. horrible decisons. drunk!y/n. arguing. fluff. a little bit of smut if you squint.

———————————————————————

sam winchester’s point of view.

you’re soaked.

you’re soaked and you’re twirling around in the middle of the wet field. the heavy raindrops dance across your skin and drip down your face. they trace every crevice of your face. they brush against your cheeks. your clothes cling to you in the most inprobable places.

i’m jealous of the rain.

it’s closer than my hands have been. the only part of you i think i’ve ever touched is your hair. it was soft, and smelled good. as i sit here watching you, i wish i could trickle through your hair like the raindrops do.

i'm jealous of the rain

you rakes your hands through your hair with one hand, while using the other to run the blow dryer up and down your locks. your faced turns into one of mischief and determination within a split second, and you turn toward me. the dryer is pointed at me, blowing hot air in my face.

“put your hands up,” you giggle.

i snort, “you caught me.”

“that’s what you get for watching me, creep.” you joke.

i want to tell you that i just can’t help it. you’re so intoxicating. just the sight of you makes me feel high. you pull me toward you, like gravity pulls bricks down to the ground. even your small, mundane tasks make me estatic.

“you just look pretty.” i tell you.

i can tell by your face that you don’t believe me. you think i’m being nice. i’m not just being nice. you’re stunning. “yeah. okay.”

the frigid air blows at you so fiercely that i think you might float away. you thinks it’s funny. i think it’s adorable how you can laugh at the smallest things. you find joy in nature trying to, quite literally, ambush you. thats one of my favorite things about you. you can make light of even the worst situations.

i’m jealous of the wind.

it ripples through your clothes. it makes yoj laugh without fail every time a big gust of it comes hurdling toward you. you force your eyes shut when they start to sting from the pressure. i take the moment to take a real good glance at you and mentally capture the moment. the wind is pressing up against you, and it’s closer than your shadow.

oh, i'm jealous of the wind.

everytime we go out to random bars, i wish you the best of luck finding a man who’s worth your time. i really mean it. you deserve the best of all this world can give.

“i’m so sorry to bail on you. it’s just... he’s really cute.” you smile awkwardly. “please forgive me.”

“there's nothing to forgive.” i smile back, waving you off.

the next morning, you walk in and gently closes the door. your face is bright pink, and you’re smiling. i look up at you, pretending that i havent been watching the door all night in anticipation.

“so..?”

i know what i want you to say. i want you to be torn up over how sleezy and horrible and rude he was. i want this to make you realize that the only one who could treat you right is me.

“i’m not one to kiss and tell, but...” you bite your lip.

i sigh, and put on a fake smile. “oh, i see.”

“yeah. he was really nice.” you shrug.

“did you get his number?” i ask, internally cursing at myself for letting jealousy slip into my tone. it’s hard for me to admit, but i’m jealous of the way you’re happy without me.

“no.” you shake your head. “we both agreed for it to be a one night thing.”

my heart swells a little bit. “oh, okay.”

another day, another town, another case, another bar, and another empty backseat of the impala on our drive home. i lean my head against the window.

“sam, you really need to get laid or something.” dean teases.

i respond with a grunt.

he scoffs, “i’m serious! what’s stopping you?”

i have to lie. it’s not like i can just outright tell him that i’m too consumed by my own jealousy to do anything. especially if i’m jealous of that random man in the bar that y/n went home with. i only saw him for a second.

“nothing, i guess.”

i stare up at the ceiling while i lay in bed. i’m jealous of every night that i don’t spend with you. i let my mind wonder. where are you; what are you doing?

who are you laying next to?

you walk through the door, and like always, you’re in too good of a mood for me to assume that nothing happened. we make small talk, and you sit across from me as we research the case.

you shut your laptop and clear your throat. “sam?”

“yeah?” i look up, startled by your voice.

“what do you think about hunters dating each other?” you swallow.

i shrug. “hunters dating in general is... not always the smartest idea, i guess.”

“yeah, but, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t work.” you reach.

“i mean, i guess it could but, it’s never really been a good idea in the past, so there’s no reason to start now, you know?” i answer.

“yeah, right...” you go quiet.

another night, another bar, another- you know the drill. i’m starting to get bitter. being jealous is never fun, especially when it’s this intense, and goes on for this long.

another morning, you’re smiling. you dont talk as much, or maybe you do, i’m not sure. i’m distracted by your pretty smile.

at the bar that night, you drink a lot. you’re not normally a heavy drinker. you’ll have one or two, just for a small buzz, but i’ve never really seen you drunk. now, you’re getting there.

“sammmmmmmm.”

“hm?” i ask.

“i wanna go homeeeeee.” you draw out your words.

“wow, are you breaking your streak of never sleeping in the same bed twice in a row?” i tease. “or are you going home with someone else?”

“i’m drunk.” you admit.

“you are.” i nod.

“but i’m not drunk enough to lose all common sense.” you continue.

“okay, and?” i tilt my head.

“i know i don’t wanna go home with a stranger.” you tell me.

“okay then.” i nod.

you finish, “i wanna go home with you.”

i laugh, and tell myself you mean it literally. you literally want me to take you home, not sleep with you. “okay, let’s go.”

once we’re at the motel, you sit next to me on the bed. i raise my eyebrows, but brush it off. you’re drunk. you stare at me for a while, and i try to ignore it, but it eventually gets to me.

“y/n, are you okay? you look like you’re about to-“

your lips smash into mine. they taste like beer and cherries and i don’t think i’ll ever want to pull away. having you pressed up against me is more addicting than i ever couldn’t imagined.

“we shouldn’t be doing this.” i mutter when i pull away.

“sam, i’m in love with you.” you argue.

“you’re drunk out of your mind.” i respond. “this... this is wrong.”

your face turns red from embarrassment as you stand up. “you’re right. i should go.”

“y/n, no-“

you’re already up and out the door. i punch the bed. god, im so stupid. i should’ve made it more clear that i wanted to do it as much as you did. now you’re gone, and you think i hate you.

i call you. i call you 10 times and text you twice as much. you don’t answer. they all go straight to voicemail.

i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep because i’m worried about you. your location’s off on your phone. i, once again, don’t know where you are or who you’re with. it’s all my fault.

when the sun finally peeks about the horizon, my phone rings. i pick it up instantly. i doesn’t even finish ringing once.

“y/n, where are you?!” i ask frantically.

“it doesn’t matter. look, i’m sorry about last night.” you deflect.

“no, no. we need to talk about last night. i-“

“we really don’t. i get it, sam. i shouldn’t have tried to make a move on you. you said that hunters shouldn’t ever date because it’s stupid, and i should’ve listened.” you apologize.

“y/n, thats not what i meant.” i deny.

“seriously, you dont have to lie to spare my feelings. i understand.” you swallow. “i have to go.”

you hang up the phone. i run my hands through my hair. i have to fix this. this is going worse than i ever thought it could. sadly, i can’t do anything until you come back.

and, oh, you come back.

the door opens. you don’t look at me, and i respect your embarrassment. i watch you as you talk to dean about the case and ignore me. i know you know i’m looking at you.

dean leaves to get food. you beg to go with him, but he makes you stay. we sit on opposite sides of the room. you stare at your phone, but i know you’re not doing anything on it because there’s a window behind you, and i can see the reflection of your black screen.

“y/n, i know it’s embarrassing, but we need to talk.” i sigh.

“can you please stop?” you snap.

“huh?”

“i get it, you don’t like me. i’m not your type; i’m like your sister; hunters shouldn’t date. rubbing salt in the wound isn’t making it better, okay?” you raise your voice.

“y/n, i never said that.” i explain.

you don’t let me finish. “you know what, we should forget it. i was drunk and horny and i didn’t mean it.”

“what, so that meant nothing to you?” i feel the shame and anger rise inside me.

you hesitate, “no.”

“of course it didn’t.” i let slip.

“excuse me?” you raise your eyebrows.

“of course it didn’t matter to you, y/n! you’re out every night with a different guy, and i was just one of them, wasn’t i?” i yell.

“are you calling me a slut?!” you accuse.

“did i say that?” i groan.

“you’re insinuating it, sam. i’m not dumb. if you have suchna problem with me going out and having fun, then maybe you should say something about it instead of just letting me do it.” you argue.

“why should i? i don’t care.” i rebuttal.

“i know you don’t, that’s the problem. you don’t care about anybody but yourself.” she spits.

“that’s not true, and we both know it.” i shake my head.

“maybe it wasn’t, but now it is. everything’s all about mister sam winchester.” you declare.

“at least i don’t try to sleep with every guy who gives me an ounce of attention. i thought you were smarter than that, y/n.” i shout.

“i wouldn’t have to if my best friend pulled his head out of his ass and give a damn about anyone but himself.” you respond.

i narrow my eyes. “don’t blame me for your problems.”

“why shouldn’t i? you’re the reason i even started doing that.” your voice cracks the tiniest bit.

“what?”

“i started sleeping with all those guys because you don’t like me, and i’m in love with you, and i needed something to get my mind off of you.” you get quieter.

“you’re in love with me?” i ask quietly.

your eyes tear up. “yeah. its a dumb decision, i know. thats why im leaving.”

“no, don’t-“

“i have to, okay? i cant just... be around you like this anymore. it’s killing me.” i can tell you’re not lying. its tearing you up instead.

i watch as you slip through my hands and try to keep it together. i don’t want to cry. i don’t know what to do. taking a leap of faith, i walk across the room and lay my hand on your shoulder. i turn you around and cup your face, pushing our faces together.

you lean up into the kiss and i’m tasked with keeping you up on your toes. that gets exhausting, so i direct you over to the bed and lay you down. things get more and more intense, and close is never close enough.

“stay.” i breathe against your skin.

“i will.” you respond quietly.

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Part Two

W! Drinking, stabby stab, attempted Non C but it does not happen .

Touya,21.The drunk Future King whose only interest is whores and brothels

Natsuo.18. The Middle Sibling who is just like his father

Shoto.16.the youngest and most reserved, has no interest in marriage but would like a companion

Reader is a rebellious princess in a falling Kingdom and is sent off to live with the Todorokis in hopes of marriage to save her family. But Reader has other plans in mind.

tags/ @no-post-ghost @yoonbbyboy @pinkjellychan @squeaky-ducky​

You wasted no time ditching the family for the courtyard after dashing out of the carriage and right past Enji, you were over Natsuo and his creepy behaviour and over this whole arrangement.  With a groan you stopped next to some trees and slipped between two large oaks to conceal yourself for a minute. You sat down hugging your knees panting slightly. It was a pretty courtyard, full of flowers funny enough since only men seemed to lived in this rotten castle. 

 So what now? The King would not be happy at your actions but if he tried to hurt you it would hinder his plans for his precious sons. So you were safe for the most part. The oldest, Touya did not really seem interested in courting you anyway, to focused on his drinking and keeping his brother in line.  

 The thought of Natsuo made you gag and cough a bit, what an awful person and he's gonna be King eventually? Maybe you could cut his balls off to save whoever marries him.  Sighing you relaxed against the tree letting one leg down admiring the clouds that rolled on by, the sky seemed more blue here than at your Kingdom too you, weird. 

 “Uhm…?” said a voice, it sounded skittish.

You rolled your head to the left to see a boy about Shotos age looking at you, he had royal clothes on and had crazy green hair. You tilted your head at this boy and brought your legs down so you were criss cross. 

 “Yes?” you asked curiously

“Is Shoto around?”

“I think so , the main entrance.”

“O-oh uh, okay, i can wait here then. May i sit by you? My names Izuku of Midoriya Manor”

“Sure kid,” you scooted over a bit for him to join you.”Y/n of Alastar”

“Oh thanks !” he sat by you but seemed to be looking around

“Something on your mind?”

“Oh uh n-no, im just waiting for Shoto, his father does not a-aprove of me so we have too …” he trailed off rubbing the back of his head.

“Hm? Well your safe with me kid, i doubt that big ape approves of me too.”

“Are you to be wed?”

“Sadly.”

“Uh- uhm!,” he rubbed his hands together. “You seem really cool and can protect yourself..” he told you, pointing to the knife on your person. “Just watch out for the middle sibling okay?”

You got up patting your butt free of dirt and Shoto squeezed through the trees to see you and Izuku.  Shoto hugged Izuku and the two sighed with relief to see each other. 

“y/n. Touya wants to see you to show you around, hes at the stables, around the corner from here”

“Okay Shoto, izuku was waiting for you, i never saw him though.”

 The youngest gave you a gentle smile and a nod as thanks. 

**

Squeezing back through the trees you strolled around the courtyard admiring the flowers before meeting up with Touya. No sign of the King or his creepy son , the courtyard had a large apple tree in its center but it only had one apple on it and it looked to be rotten which was weird. It's definitely apple season. Hm.  thinking nothing of it you made your way around the large castle to see the stables and Touya petting a large black and white mare of the face in long strokes.

“Whos a pretty girl ? you you you” he cooed at the sleepy horse.

“Dont take you for a animal lover” you joked walking up to him. “Wheres idiot 1 and 2?”

“My father is giving Natsuo a talking to so im trusted to show you around” he pointed to the castle “thats the castle” he pointed to a stray window at the top “thats your room”

“A five star tour i see”  you pet the horse admiring its coat. “ lovely colors”

“Reminds me of my life from before” he told you while taking out his flask to drink.

“Hm? Whats that mean? And whos this Izuku that was sneaking around?”

Touya sat down in a empty stable drinking more before answering you. “Thats Shotos boyfriend, dont tell anyone or i will kill you myself. Im the only one who knows”

“i wouldn't do that Touya, he said Enji does not approve of him?”

“Yep” he fell into some hay drinking more. “They want to leave when they turn 18 and have a farm, im helping make it happen”

You sat down by the hay watching this man drink his life away , he had not one care in the world, unless it was Shoto related. 

*

Some time passed and you and Touya were sharing the flask now.

“So .. what did you mean by your life from before?”

“Mmmm… i was going to be a father, at least.. Thats what i was told.” he sat up pushing his hair outta his face. She was a brothel worker and i had gotten her pregnant.” 

 You listened to him taking note of the hint of sadness in his voice.

“I was excited, i wanted to be a dad.” he told you looking over at the horse.”she had black and white hair, i called her my little… berry.., i did everything right, i told her she could live with me and be a Princess and we could be happy. But i also told her i did not want her working the brothel anymore obviously,” 

  He brought his knees up laying his elbows over them looking at the ground between his legs. “She told me she would stop but something felt weird so i checked on her and she was still working it. I confronted her and she said she needed the money for the baby and i told her i have more money than i know what to do with, the months went on and she eventually stopped, her bump was small and everytime i felt it , i dont know. It felt off. One day i woke up early and looked over at her, she was asleep on her stomach and .. she was too far align to be doing that.” he looked up at you, his eyes slightly red. “ she lied to me, for my status, my wealth, my name, it was some kind of material to seem like a bump, she tried to tell me it was my fault.”

“Touya…”

He ignored you. “What she said stung more than the faked pregnancy. I had to know, for sure. So i contacted a witch and she performed some kind of spell on me and ..and..”

You moved closer, placing your hand on his arm , he took a big drink and lowered his head again. “ i cant… have children… “

You pulled this man into your arms trying your best to comfort him. He just cursed up a storm and told you how excited he was, how he was going to move away as soon as Shoto left with izuku and start an even bigger family with the woman he loved. Touya wanted his own Kingdom but in a quiet place no one knew about where he could be happy.

“Everyday… i curse Natsuo, he does not deserve to have children” he pushed himself off you to wipe his eyes. “ no one knows this about me y/n”

“Touya its safe with me”

“I have no interest in getting married anymore, i dont care.”

“Thats perfectly okay Touya”

He sniffled not looking at you. “Thank you for listening, you should get settled into your room, top floor last door on the left.”

“Youll be okay?” you asked, getting up

“Nope” he got up walking past you “but thats just how i like it” he waved not looking back as he headed into town.

*

The castle was full of expensive things: statues, paintings, rugs, swords. Anything you could think of. Big wide open rooms with ceilings higher than you had ever seen. It smelled like the kitchen was to your right and the main rooms looked to be up the rug covered stairs. You could hear Enji yelling at Natsuo when you got to the top , you snuck by peeking in every room you passed, looked like bedrooms. You heard a door slam and looked over your shoulder to see Natsuo brooding outside the door talking to himself. 

   You slipped into your room and scanned around the giant room, pretty bed, too girly honestly. A wooden vanity with glass in it and a couple windows. You checked outside them all , dammit. Nothing to really grab on to for a quick escape? You thought on it inspecting more and suddenly you were grabbed from behind and flipped over and pressed against the window, your hair blowing in the wind. 

 Natsuo was pinning you down looking very angry with you. You stuck your chin out at him reaching down for you knife.

“Yes ? your highness?” “I should … should… “ he pressed harder into your shoulders. “You . so mean, you made a fool of .. of me? In front of my father? I ?” his gaze dropped and he grabbed the knife tossing it out the window . his voice got louder and he shook you. “ they tell me i should kill you !! but!! My voices arent always!!.. Correct so …”

“Let me go !! get these gross hands off me !” you fought his grip and he threw you onto the bed pinning you from behind. “ why are you so … SO SO difficult? Im a future KING im in CHARGE not YOU” he reached back fussing with his belt and you got very still.

“Is that why your upset hm? I hurt your ego?” you asked looking back”pitty” with a quick snap of your arm a second knife shot out of your left sleeve and stabbed Natsuo in the arm. He cried out falling back and you pushed him out fo your room. “Sorry, no middle siblings allowed” you slammed the door locking it and pushing some heavy furniture in front of the door for the time being. 

 You could hear Natsuo crying in pain in the hall but you did not really care, it sounded like he was walking away and you finally… finally..alone. You sunk down to your knees” what the fuck man…”

*

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[felicityfiction]

[bulletproof glass part 4] part 3

a/n: its 5am. i needed a study break. this is terrible. im very disappointed in myself but also not sure if i can put anything out thats better. i have failed, please dont hate me :(

god, do they even teach them how to shoot?

san smirks, easily dodging a badly aimed bullet from a poorly hidden sniper. not really a sniper at all, if you ask him. just someone too cowardly to come down and face the action on the ground.

weakness.

in the chaos of a building carpark, there are guns blazing and shouts echoing, the occasional yell of pain or shattering of glass as these terribly trained excuses of henchmen hit a car instead of their intended human target.

it’s music to san’s ears.

to his left, he registers seonghwa, barrelling towards him with a wholehearted intention to get him into a car and to safety, but san is just starting to have fun.

he takes down two guys who have at least a foot on him, but he barely breaks a sweat. adrenaline is pumping through his veins, and he thinks that maybe he doesn’t have to smoke tonight to be able to get high.

this is his drug. san is addicted to the danger of it all. it’s messy and wonderful, a dance that is ingrained into san’s brain and burned into his muscle from years of first hand experience. choi san is talented, and he’s about to show it.

he sees seonghwa veer sharply to his right, and he spares a glance in his direction. just in time to see seonghwa gun down two guys who were surrounding hongjoong, trying to take him down. the leader was to be captured alive, no doubt, to be used as leverage. if his father was here, these guys would be all over him like hyenas to a carcass. but he isn’t, content to let san and seonghwa handle tonight’s minor matters.

he’s mine.

the words thrum in his ears, fuelling his slightly fatigued muscles to keep going until all their enemies were down. he was the next in line to inherit the choi name, and he sure as hell was going to make his name known to everyone in the underground.

and perhaps the child in him still preens under his father’s praise, and he’s greedy for more.

but san is amused by the sight of seonghwa fumbling in his attempt to get to hongjoong, his usual grace lost in his worry. he almost reaches out to hongjoong, then freezes and recoils like hongjoong at shot him. san feels a stab of pity, but also a brief inkling of scorn

this is what affection does to you.

hongjoong had come with few guards, despite knowing that there was a high chance that this deal would go south. perhaps he trusted san more than he let on, or he thought that san had a bigger target on his back, and he would be able to escape unscathed if it came down to it

or, san thinks, maybe he knows someone here will die to protect him.

a hand comes flying out of nowhere, barely missing san’s face, and san whips around faster than lightning. he grabs the wrist, and is about to twist and snap it when he registers the face in front of him. a smile curls onto his face.

“we’re allies here, did you forget? how can it be acceptable to try and take me out?”

“wasn’t trying to take you out. distracted. person shooting. wanted to get your attention.” yunho is speaking in breathless pants, sweat beading on his forehead. he grabs san and tugs, and san finds himself going willingly. he lets himself get pushed behind a pillar, as yunho scans for more aggressive men in black.

there’s a feeling san can’t pinpoint blooming in his chest, and he shoves it away, letting his god awful flirtatious nature come up as a defence.

“so sweet of you, darling. but you look more tired than me. i’d have been perfectly fine, but i appreciate the sentiment.”

yunho doesn’t realise he’s stilll holding san’s wrist, too busy being on the lookout.

“shut up.” he scowls

san sees a brief release of tension in yunho’s shoulders when he spots hongjoong safe, a few meters away surrounded by the remainder of his guards.

“you should go join them, sweetheart. it’s time for you to flee.”

yunho’s eyes snap towards him, and he angrily spits, “we’re not fleeing, you bastard.”

san wants to laugh again, because infruriating yunho is so, so enjoyable. “i didn’t mean anything. they’re all gone, anyway. we won. no point staying around for the cleanup.” he lifts his wrist to yunho’s eyes, and they widen exponentially. yunho drops his wrist and steps back, putting some distance between him and san. san decides he preferred it when yunho was pressed against him.

yunho makes to walk away towards a gesturing hongjoong, but san’s the one to reach out this time.

“thank you, yunho. i appreciate it.” yunho seems surprised by the sincereity that laces san’s words, but he quickly reminds himself that san is more than a proficient liar. he pushes san’s hand off his wrist, suddenly wishing he hadn’t tried to help.

stupid, stupid yunho.

“and don’t worry, baby. you always have my attention.”

and there it is, classic san. can’t have a conversation without dropping some kind of comment that made yunho’s skin crawl. yunho flinches, and walks away. san is staring after him, his lips upturned.

yunho picks his way through the bodies littered on the ground, trying to ignore both the vast amounts of blood, and the way that his ears are burning.

if hongjoong notices how red he is, he presumes that it’s from the physical exertion. he’s scanning yunho for injuries, relieved to find none. regardless, he pushes yunho towards the car, ready to take him away from everything and shelter him as best he can.

he shouldn’t have brought him here in the first place.

hongjoong can’t help the deep tug in his gut that compels him to look around once more before stepping into the car.

seonghwa is rushing towards san, and san is smiling so broadly it disturbs hongjoong. he’s certain that san is a psychopath, or at least someone who enjoys witnessing pain. or maybe he’s so desensitized that this has all become a game for him.

either way, hongjoong darts his eyes down and gets into the car. he pretends that the relief flooding his chest is for himself, for yunho and for his other men. not for the bodyguard of his rival gang leader, who just so happened to perhaps have saved his life.

fuck this.

hongjoong is absolutely fucking screwed.

yunho spends the same car ride trying to forget the deep voice echoing in his ears and the hand around his wrist. he’s all too aware that he was frantically searching for san the entire time the fight was happening, barely registering his members. he should feel guilty, he knows, and he berates himself fiercely.

why yunho, why? he’s a sadistic monster, he could have killed you and called it an accident!

but somehow, yunho can’t bring himself to regret that he threw himself in front of a guy that could very well be holding a gun to his temple in the near future.

yunho is also, absolutely fucking screwed

“he tried to help me, hwa. isn’t that so cute? i could’ve taken all of them blindfolded, but it’s still adorable.”

seonghwa purses his lips, a sharp pang striking a chord in his heart.

san is sitting on his desk, swinging his legs back and forth as he recounts the night to him, nevermind that seonghwa was supposed to be the one delivering the report.

“that’s the first time someone besides me has done that for you, san.” seonghwa says quietly, more to himself than to san. but his charge, his friend, hears it anyway.

“i’m attractive, hwa. what can i say? you tried to play hero too. good job on that, by the way.”

seonghwa flinches at the reminder. it was too close for comfort, the way hongjoong had been a split second from being overpowered, and seonghwa had moved before he had time to think.

“i’m sorry for getting distracted.” he had failed. seonghwa was supposed to protect san, yet he had some kind of messed up tunnel vision and sixth sense that led him to jump to the defence of someone he isn’t even supposed to associate with-

“don’t apologise. i’m a better fighter than you, or him. i didn’t need it.”

i forgive you. i understand. don’t worry, you did the right thing.

that’s how they communicate. with hidden meanings and the hope that the other party understands.

in spite of everything that went down, seonghwa’s frantic about one thing, and one thing above all.

it absolutely terrifies him how choi san is whistling a happy tune from his lips recounting the way jung yunho had tried to press him into a wall for his own safety. san chalks it all up to nothing, but seonghwa sees more. san isn’t just amused, he’s happy.

he’s happy that jung yunho had tried to save him.

it’s mortifying, seeing this unknown emotion on san. seonghwa knows how to deal with an angry san, a drunk san and an indifferent san. seonghwa knows san.

but seonghwa has never seen san care. and it sure as hell feels like san is starting to care.

“would you have done it?” he whispers, and san trails off, narrowing his eyes at him.

“what are you talking about?”

“would you have jumped in front of a gun to save him?” seonghwa bites his lip. please, please say something snarky and cocky and arrogant.

“i’d just shoot the source of danger, hwa. have you lost your touch? can’t protect someone if i’m dead, now can i? remember that next time, i doubt hongjoong would want to see you die in front of him.”

seonghwa’s ears are ringing.

protect someone? san, since when have you ever wanted to protect someone? everyone is disposable to you, no? why him? why now?

but seonghwa swallows all his words, and san continues on his painfully oblivious humming. he can’t even tell that this emotion is new and different. he can’t tell that his mind is drifting to a hand gripping his wrist, and the pressure of another body pressed against his.

word of the day: endearment. maybe san would do good to learn some new vocabulary, so he can put a label to that weird sensation in his chest, and his burning desire to see jung yunho again.

maybe, san would come to his senses. seonghwa can only hope.

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌