#thats it! I dont need to be told being fat is bad for me and hard on my body. I dont need to be told I'm hot or whatever. I just need to be

[ihavenoideahowtodream]

if you are seeing something telling you how to get rid of something that developed slowly with your aging and generally would take more than 15 mins to reasonably manage in your daily hygiene routine esp if the thing they are telling you will immediately fix your wrinkles, scars, cellulite, yellowed teeth, etc cost more than 20 bucks (usd for me at least) then the only thing ugly in that ad are their words.

You dont go wrinkle free at ~ 35+ cause youve been playing in the sun for decades. Gray hairs happen in your 20s and on. Cellulite is a result of normal body fat retention. It is good you have it too because if you get sick and/or have eating limitations or irritations then your body will start taking nutrients from your muscles and organs. That Spare Tire that you have that means you get jeans two sizes larger than this ad is telling you should have is good to have cause sometimes you get sick and it will take longer for your organs to start shutting down if you are loosing weight from your love handles than the muscles in your legs making it harder to walk. your legs will still get weaker but not be actively depleted so quickly.

white teeth also dont exist. it is something tooth paste companies have come up with to sell you more expensive toothpaste and while for the most part it doesnt damage your teeth it is more abrasive than non whitening toothpaste so if you have bad teeth of some kind or have a diet that can soften your enamel already like regular pop consumption it can damage your teeth more. understandably, there is a sliding scale of teeth yellowing for concern, if your teeth look like a school bus then discussing with your dentist about if you are experiencing gum disease is advisable but the damn tissue test is the same arbitrary scale where there are a million was to be a person incorrectly but theres no ideal person that isnt steeped in classism at best and racism at worst. And if your school bus yellow teeth are declared healthy by your dentist then you dont need to worry about them any more. and just because your teeth are as white as the us congress wont always mean you teeth are healthy either. I have a friend who is neurotic about brushing their teeth and have been for the full decade ive known them who was told they have reversible but mild gum disease. contrasted to my adhd ass who brushed my teeth once a week maybe till i finally put my toothbrush in my shower 6 mo ago. I had a singular mild cavity when i went to the dentist for the first time in 15 years last year.

the concept also that you have to pay a bunch of money otc to be "beautiful" is an obvious indicator of scams. Olay's anti wrinkle creams they sell for upwards of $50 (usd) and other brands being almost $200? thats just evil. wrinkles are fine. and we dont have to call them beautiful, or sexy, or signs of wisdom. cause they may or may not be for what ever reason. That kind of language is still commodifying an individual's body as the indicator of their moral worth. Like i genuinely hate the 2025 US president and have always found the jokes about his orange skin amusing. however, the fact that americans first and primary dig at a person they dislike, for what ever reason, is their skin color that whether manufactured or not it is unchangeable by the viewer and by the viewed at the time of the insult displays our idea that association of physical features and moral depravity can walk hand in hand.

the most basic levels of presentability are quite simple: keep your hair tagle free to the limitations of your hair type and use protective hair styles and wraps if it makes sense for you. dont have obvious smudges of dirt or such on face, hands, and clothing. general anti odor hygiene like a form of deodorant or a mint after spicy food. keep nails trimmed and clean. and have clothing on that you obviously feel comfort in- for some this is sweat pants and a hoodie with crocks, others a cocktail dress or suit and leather dress shoes, or like myself tight pants for compression pain management and coordinated colors for my own visual comfort when looking in a mirror and boots with ankle support that are at least mid calf high so i dont have to bend as far to tie them assuming they arent slip on. and the clothes also lacking smells like a cat pee odor.

and like this is baseline presentability for going out with friends, interacting with someone professionally, going on a date, or some other equivalent.

Make up (including foux and uv tanning), nail polish, hair dying and time consuming at home styling, impractical shoes, jewelry, designer clothes and accessories, and other things marketed as necessary for you to be the best and most attractive version of who you are exist for fun and should be enjoyed as games. however, participation in these things should be respected as much as the general presentability practices.

someone in designer clothes with styled naturally voluminous curly hair with makeup that had a bill with 4 digits on the receipt and someone who looks like they woke up in a ditch after a three day bachelor party they only remember the first 20 mins of have the exact same value and deserve the exact same respect no matter where they are.

beauty ads have the same message across the board:

you must buy your value and we decide if you bought it correctly.

their determination is always gonna be that you did not buy your value correctly so buy this other thing in the hopes we decide youve bought value correctly. and they never say you bought your value to their satisfaction so that you keep buying from them

beauty ads will kill you if you let them.

companies make billions from you thinking you're ugly btw. only ugly thing is their bottom line. log out of tiktok right now.

[gophergal]

I'd love to get into exercise/physically activity, but jesus tittyfucking christ I do NOT need the fatphobia dude

[3liza]

Saw your post asking about insulin resistance without high blood sugar, and yeah I have experience with that exact thing. Everyone in my family has some sort of awful blood sugar issues, but despite having something clearly wrong with me my glucose tests and a1c's were coming back thoroughly normal. I got lucky with a decent doctor and she ordered an insulin test (usually more accurate with fasting I believe, but the result was rather high anyways) and she noted that it was high and told me to try out a diabetes diet to see if it helped.

I'm on a strict low-glycemic index diet now and it's really improved my health, mostly my mental health, but my skin has been upgraded from "abysmal" to a firm "mediocre."

Do I know what's wrong? No. Probably never will, but I'm feeling a lot better at least.

huh. thats useful info. im about to get a new doctor, i wonder if she'll be willing to entertain this sort of weirdness

edit: i just feel Bad and Sick if i eat a sufficient amount of sugar. systemic symptoms, skin gets worse, actual skin pathology like wounds not healing or eczema/psoriasis/fungus gets worse, migraines get triggered, pain flares, etc. not normal person "i ate too much sugar i feel temporarily sub-optimal" halloween candy coma, but i will get actually sick for a few days if i over-indulge. but i crave sugar constantly, which doesnt really mean anything, lots of people crave sugar because It Tastes Good so its not exactly diagnostic. sometimes the sugar cravings seem uncontrollable, like "i need to get out of bed where i am trying to sleep and eat something sweet or i cant think about aything else" kind of stuff. my parents do this same dance with carbohydrates and sugar, they feel awful, eat a cookie, feel awful, recover, say stuff like "oh i shouldnt eat the cookie", and it cycles. some of it is eating disorder crap, which is real hard to differentiate from other issues. some of it is being underweight/underfed from gastroparesis (which I have, pretty badly) which means certain circumstances of calorie shortages, bad digestion, whatever, can align perfectly to trigger I Am Starving I Need to Overeat Right Now Or I'll Die programming in the ape brain, and again, thats real hard to separate from blood sugar symptoms and eating disorder symptoms because they all get tied up together.

however, if i manage to grocery shop in the correct way to provide myself with ample available appropriate food, and i can eat ketogenic or nearly-ketogenic with focuses on dairy fat and just regular animal meat and fresh veg, with minimal or no grains, starches, and sugars, i feel like 60% better on all axes. my dad, too, eventually, after he got diagnosed, was instructed to stop eating most carbs etc and immediately lost all the extra weight he was uncomfortable with his whole life, and immediately got less chronically crappy-feeling. so there's something going on, i just dont know if its medical or genetic or what. some people just dont do well with a lot of grains and theres no particular medical reason.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hii Cas!!! This is bagel anon. Andd

I've kinda gotten the sleep situation under control but I can't help put off sleep even if I have nothing to do. I have this anxiety about sleep cause I overthink a lot and all of my most horrible moments always come just when I have to go to sleep. Which is very annoying cause my mood goes downhill pretty quickly and when it does, I feel like the worst ever. Then I overthink some more and even if I go to sleep at atleast 10, I might as well fall asleep at 12.

Also I've kind of recovered from the burnout too? For past 2 days, I've just... not been studying much and honestly it feels so good to lay off for a bit and relax. I'm still procrastinating a lot and my stomach ache hasn't gotten better but I managed to start my math worksheet and I'm so glad! There's still so much work left but my school teachers are so nice. I felt sick once and asked to put my head down and my math teacher agreed and asked if im okay now. It was pretty small but it made me feel so nice for some reason.

Also my mom and I had a talk and she hasn't been saying so much about how lazy I am. I haven't properly talked to her about the stuff she says and how it hurts me a lot and honestly I have no idea how to because I suck so much at confronting problems. I once told her that I didn't like how she always comments on how fat I look (even tho i look decent) and I get how she has a lot of insecurity from being obese herself but she's always pushing this insecurity on me and I hate it so much (she still says it sometimes). Its made me so bitter towards her sometimes and even me. And even though she looks out for me a lot and understands I'm having a bad day, she never understands her own mistakes and i just snap at her so much nowadays which makes me feel like shit. She acts like I'm the worst person ever now even tho she doesn't realize how she is like. Taking a break with my door closed is useless cause she'll just come in randomly and start giving me lectures so i normally lock my door and just lay down and read something (normally with a excuse that I'm changing clothes or smth). But she screams so much if I lock my door. She never acts on it but it makes me so scared of locking it.

But other than that, my studies are almost complete and that makes me feel so happy. My best friend had gone on a trip for a week and normally we dont talk about deep stuff, just basic 'so whats up' (we travel together to school and live in the same area) but her presence makes me feel really calm so thats really nice too. And the rain is sooo much and the roads are literally flooded but damn do i love rain.

Soo anyway, tysmmm for the advice, it really helped to hear someone say I need to relax cause i really really did. I hope you have a wonderful dayy!!!

On a side note, Good luck babe by Chappell Roan is so good. Its literally on repeat in my mind!

Hi hon! I’m glad you’ve gotten a chance to relax a bit!

First, would it help to know that just closing your eyes and resting has been scientifically proven to be almost as helpful as actually sleeping? I know for me, I used to stress so much about sleep- “OMG I only have 6 hours to sleep. Well now I’ve been stressing and I only have 5.5. And now only 5. And so on…”

But if you just close your eyes and breathe it has almost the same benefits. It really helped me relax when I go to bed.

Also what your mom is saying to you is not okay and I’m so glad you realize that. Whether or not you are overweight (it shouldn’t matter) she shouldn’t be making comments like that. Being overweight doesn’t make people look “bad” and the way your mom is pushing her insecurities on you is super hurtful. I’m glad you know that she’s doing that, and your weight and your looks are separate from her. I’m sure you slay every outfit ❤️

Agreed, Chappell Roan is the loml

[doegirldaydreamer]

Diary entry #2 - 21/01/25

Okay so honestlt im writing this on the same day as the first one, so i might not do one for a few days so i dont burn myself out! (bc of my habit of getting obsessed and burning out in like a few days.) But i kinda already took notes about today so erm!! Youre all stuck w it! ᜊ( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ᜊ

Giggling forreal onto the actual day. Firstly i jsut wanna say i had to actually decipher my notes like an archeologist or sumet bc i wrote them under the table without looking. Ok forreal anyways omg nevermind tumblr closed this when i minimised the app and said it didnt save and jumpscared me so hard.

ANYWAYS. Let me yap!! Even tho i kinda just wanna sleep rn but shshhh ill just be lazy tmr.

So firstly it was raining on like my first good hair day in a whilleee so.. just why </3 Also bc jan’s been such a blur i realised its my mums bday tmr and i didnt even realise and i feel actually a little evil.. like obvi bc i dont have a job theres not much i can do, but like.. idk. Ill make sure to wish her happy bday tho! Anyways me and my friend mostly talked abt my other friends really nasty now ex bf. Like they shouldve broken up AGESS ago for.. so so many reasons that are probably worse than u think. But at least it happened eventually!! And now i can talk abt him bc he was kinda weird icel. omg also absolutely fantasising abt my dvds bc todays the like due date for package!! Love that!!

Anyways now school.. so basically my friend mentioned he bought cinnamon buns bc he loves them and hes like ‘yeah u can have one as well’ but the dread kinda kicked in in first period. Bit of a rude reminder i do in fact have problems and sometimes they make stuff suck for no reason which is.. ew but ill manage. But on a better note i totally have a little hallway crush (outside of my atrocious fat raging normal crush). Basically shes in my history and when we were lining up she was like sorting her bag and she looked back and smiled at me and UGH shes so pretty!! I also told her her bag was unzipped and fixed it for her 😇😇 But also my usual massive headache started this period. Like one of my eyes was watering headache. But also it kinda relaxed when i put my glasses on si like.. is it straining my eyes?? Idk i js really need new glasses bc my old ones are really old and a little broken and omg i need to stop im starting to feel bad for them. Girly things. Anyways fr ill be getting new ones sometime soon so i can keep my others as spares!! Anyways we were still soing abt.. ykw from ww2 germany and we were talking abt how he treated the church and how a lot of minsters and like preists opposed him and like. It reminded me that stuff isnt always black and white and people who are in a group with a lot of bad people can be good yk? Like a lot of my friends have bad experiences with religion but not all religious people are bad ykwim? And lastly my friend accidentally buttdialed his gf (also my friend) and she heard someone saying goodmorning to me and me going ‘omg he actually said rhat??’ bc i was talking abt someone else giggle. Funsies.

Okayayays anyways now p2 which was english. As usual, my teachers an icon, and also i got to highlight one of my pages really cute and i wanted to take a pic but no phones ufufjjfjf.. what id give to like take pictures w my brain or sumet. Maybe those meta glasses would be cool if they werent violently invasive and chunky as hell. But anyways the Mz kid was like even louder than usual somehow but it didnt bother me bc i had a rlly weird dream w him in it?? Jusy in one part but like. Basically in the dream was saying something about ‘birthday’ and i thought he was being rude so i snapped at him n he looked sad. Then i went around looking for him but found two girls like boxing in some random changing room???? Anyways there was more but thats what stuck w me lol. So yeah i didnt really mind him that much today. Also when we were leaving i was like stuck near some girls who dont like me but like.. i wasnt stressing abt it i just didnt really care. Sooo.. character development idk giggle

Anwyyayss at break i ended up eating half of that cinnamon bun which like. Win bc it was nice and recovery stuff idk. Anyways one of my other friends (R) whos like never in school was in today and we just yapped and hung out for a little and ralked abt the whole bf thing and i loved it shes so sweeet!! But yeah otherwise it was chill asf and we just hung out and stuff!

Okok now third which was physics that also has a teacher i adore bc hes so funny. He made a joke abt like someone thinking he was talking to them bc of his lazy eye and being dramatic abt it and i was GIGGLINF. Also he had like a thermometer gun or whatever and he made an actual gun joke and it surprised me a little lol. Ofmmgm and he made a joke abt b.ngs bc of how many people do the plant where we live and hes an icon for that. Alsoso me and my friend were listening to music and do i wanna know started playing and i didnt even know he had it on his playlist and it was a massive win. Last thing promise, i was thinking abt getting like a mini notebook to write this stuff down in bc i wrote it on my hand but my pens r gel pens so it smudged really bad and i had to type it up anyways sooo.. better pens or mini notebook giggle. Andndn lastly bc yes!! I like stayed behind for a sec bc my friend was getting a reward and when we left my teacher like pointed at me and was like ‘u should speak up in lesson more!’ And fucjkckf hes so sweet. Maybe its my daddy issues idk but it was like.. rlly?? :((( hes just so nice i love him smsmmm!

Anyways then maths. My normal teacher wasnt in again which liks.. miss come back pls </3 and also some kids were like making fun of the annoying kid which like.. ur not any better than him dude.. but tbf one of those kids was a little funny after abt sumet else so.. idk doesnt make it right but makes me him a little less annoying. Anyways i got reminded i need to clear oht my bag bc all my stuff in it looks so cute together but its an actual mess so eventually ive gotta sort it sigh..

Aaand then lunch. Was inside again bc it was raining, and I mostly just yapped w R. She did have this really nice spray tho (one of the sol de janero ones) and im thinking abt getting one bc apparently they actually last and theyre really nice. Also some mean girls came up like opposite me but behind our group and sat in the one place we were told not to sit.. but its fine they got moved eventuallt and we didnt have to deal w them so. Yay! R left for the second half of lunch tho so it was just the normal group again and we just chilled.

Theeenn p5 which was chemistry. Honestly reallt not much happened, i was spaced asf. Weve been over the stuff were going over now so i could clock out a little giggle. I did yap to another friend otw out which we love.

Andndn finallt freedom omg. Ofc my first priority was coffee which honestly is always one of the best parts of my day. But firstly my dvds got delayed which was like.. the worst thing ever. Giggle fr tho i mostly just scrolled tumblr and stuff. And also sorted out my blog a little bc unfortunately im just a girl and i need everything to look perfect. I have revised some for my exam tho and i think im getting better at it. Still stupidly snappy but im working on it! Also i hate that i have to like look at my food before i eat it bro. Like if it looks weird i will be one unexpected texture from gagging and its just. I know the foods good let me eat in peace </3 But its fine bc ofc it acc was good and we love that!

Anyways yayaa thats it for this entry. Ive just gotta wash my hair then im going bed finalllyy!! And tbh if its anytime near what it is rn for me you should too tbh. Get ur beauty sleep angell!!

Rue, signing out 𓂃۶ৎ

[kaycode1999]

can I get a match up for mha?

im a pretty hyper, blunt and expressive person. Im loud and usually kind of physically aggresive with my friends/famiky, as its my favorite way to be playful with those i love. Im a super spontaneous person, as my energy can be night and day depending on how im feeling. While im usually pretty open to new people and experiances, i can get overwhelmed very easily. When im angry im pretty snippy and short with others, ans need a moment to cool down before i have constructive converaation or rational thinking back. When im upset i very much shut down, and im not great with being emotionally vulnerable, but i am very aware of this fact and have been told im very emotionally mature with how i handle negative emotions as ive gotten better. While i can come off as ditzy, Im a very analytical person when it comes to the details around me, especially with people(my friends have teased me and called me sherlock with how scary i am with the little things i notice lol). I can be very sarcastic and arguementarive, to the point those around me think im trying to butt heads, however it comes from a genuine excitement towards combative discussion. I love methodical engagement, and can be quite short tempered when people arent capable of matching intellectual engagement for activities and conversation. I can be VERY stubborn as well, which(while bad in some social situations) is why im capable of pushing through very difficult tasks(have also been told that others find my “determination” inspiring as i handle pain well and enjoy pushing myself). In summary my greatest strengths are emotional intelligence, book smarts and my stubborness. My greatest weakneses are my lack of respect for myself, and my general insecurity.new

I do have diagnosed adhd, insomnia and anxiety issues if that helps with anything. Im also an entp in the myer briggs test if thats worth mentioning

im female, and go by she/her. Although honestly what people call me really doesnts bother me. As far as i know for my sexuality Im pan. Gender really doesnt matter to me i just find all people attractive.

my aestetic is all over the place tbh. Its always atleast nature relevant, but depending on the day i either look like a forest witch, a goblin, a hippy or a cottage core maidennew

for hobbies i love to draw and craft! Im a huge collector, and live for anything involving creative expression. Im also a part of a theatre group and love acting.

as for my type, i like people with a little more meat on their bones. Im usually pretty adaptive to all kinds of personalities, but im attracted to rmotional maturity and kindness. I love those who show empathy and aupport to others. (My long since crush has been fatgum lol)

for the love of everything in this world, please dont drag me into any of the todoroki family, i aint got time for that drama

Well you’re probably gonna be really happy because

I match you with

Fatgum

Hyper and expressive works well with him because he is generally an outgoing and expressive too

I don’t think he minds blunt, it’s more about honesty

As long as you’re honest with him he’ll respect it

He’s a big guy and loudish too so you have that in common

When he’s in his fat form he’s basically impossible to hurt so it doesn’t matter if you’re a little “ physically aggressive with him”

He loves a little spontaneity

He’s very in tune with your mood and energy level so he can tell your energy level/how you’re feeling

If you’re to the point where you’re getting angry/snippy or overwhelmed he completely understands the need to take a moment to calm down. Do that all you need to he’ll wait for you to take your time decompressing

He is very caring and sweet so he will help you with being emotionally vulnerable

He does think you handle negative emotions better as you continue to improve and will definitely commend you on your progress

Because he is big and more outspoken people tend to think he’s not as smart as he is so he definitely understands

He will never think of you as ditzy. He thinks you’re very smart and astute. He is also smarter than he lets on so he doesn’t want anyone to feel like they are not smart

I think he comes to understand that you are excited about discussion

I think he does find your ability to push through admirable

He definitely wants you to respect yourself and to be confident in yourself. He will compliment you all the time

Insomnia and anxiety are difficult to deal with and he wants to be there for you through it, he’ll also help you find some things to combat this no matter what that entails. If it’s alternative medicines, doctor’s appointments/medicine, therapy, etc. he’ll help you and be there through it all

[naupactus]

"weight shaming" rant under cut bc i came out the shower with thoughts

tbh i dont think skinnyshaming is a real thing. this noon my family told me i looked anorexic as if worried and told me i had to eat more which yeah it was bad and made me feel shitty about my body for a moment (i imagine it wouldve had more of an impact if i wasnt already very secure) but i dont think id equate it to the shaming fat women endure. because these same people who tell me i look sick when they look at my back and my arms also tell me theyre jealous that i have a flatter stomach than them.

the difference is when you get comments about being skinny they're based on a false and shallow sense of worry while comments about being fat are always framed as a personal failure. and thats what makes it "shame" and not just negativity. even though the occasional concern is voiced about health, that's not the kind of comment the majority of the population receives and rather just for people who are visibly obese. and still then, from actually obese people to someone with love handles, it's somehow framed as something sinful that not only impacts you but the people around you even though this is bullshit. there's this underlying hatred of fat people and belief that their weight is tied to recklessness and gluttony that has to be shamed and called out to be fixed, i think

on the other hand what fuels negative comments towards skinny people, from what ive seen and experienced, doesnt come from a place of blame and hatred but from stigmatization of mental illness. the only times ive received negative remarks about my body it's been from people who saw me and saw something a little too similar to a drug addict or a person with an eating disorder, and that triggered a disgust-pity response, even if they know im healthy. the comments never include something about convenience or ugliness, only health. it sometimes also transcends into comparisons to physical illness and poverty, but when these comments are made within a middle class context it's always with the implication that it's self inflicted and something to have pity on.

for negative views of both cases, in women as well as in men, it's i think triggered by the fact that both fail to fit into the social standard for what a healthy person should look like. someone who associates body weight to health, health to beauty and beauty to personal worth, feels the need to subconsciously justify their shock and disgust at seeing someone who deviates that standard by lying to themselves and saying the reason why those people look the way they do must surely be a personal flaw to be treated

[getitoffyourchestofficial]

hi this is a lot im sorry. i love to say words and dump shit that upsets me with no real correlation. my bad /gen (genuine) (idk if you know tone indicators im sorry ough)

you dont really Have to cook up a proper response to this i just need to put it somewhere where i wont immediately get piles of advice that i cant use. i know its well-meaning but ultimately the whole situation is ou of anyones control

(also putting this 🎪 here so i can try to find it later)

im stuck in a sisyphean nightmare of a weekly cycle: i have a good day -> my mood skyrockets -> i have a bad day -> my mood plummets -> rinse and repeat. at this point i think it might be a mental condition bc something doesnt even really have to Ruin My Day, i just have to face a minor inconvenience and then suddenly im all doom-and-gloom depression for 3-5 business days before springing back up as if nothing ever happened to do it all again. my mom says i might have bpd or bipolar disorder (i always get the two confused) because she has it and we just havent seen anyone about it, mostly because we dont have the money to see any doctors most of the time. i also kinda dont wanna have either of them? not in like an asshole way but in a these-people-face-stigma-that-i-dont-know-if-i-can-emotionally-handle way. in a im already queer and fat and poor and disabled in multipled ways and overall unsavory to neurotypicals/cishets/Default Settings way. yknow

todays inciting incident was a shitty shitty halloween carnival that didnt even have the thing i was excited for, didnt have any food, had lines that were miles long (hyperbole), was too hot, and i only got 8 shitty halloween things from -- half of which were lollipops, with half of those just being the same 2 flavors but Again. we stayed for 2 hours before my mom decided she didnt wanna be out of the house anymore as usual. i cant be too mad at her because shes mentally ill in the direction of "i dont want to go anywhere because my anxiety will spike" but unfortunately im mentally ill in the direction of "if i cannot leave the house to Do Things at my own pace at least once a week i will fall into a deep depression" so we clash pretty bad most of the time. this was also following multiple minor inconveniences mind you. and was also trailed by multiple minor inconveniences. it just has not gone well. this halloween is just shaping up to suck bc i was supposed to have a whole party but we had money issues so it had to be cut down to just 2 people for a sleepover, then one of them went out to see his grandma in another state and the other is apparently in the fucking hospital right now??? at least according to his posts. and i cant blame them for these either! schedules conflict and sometimes you go to the Fuckig Hosital. its out of anyones control but it still feels like shit. so its looking like my only shot at having any fun this halloween is the trunk-or-treat at my school and idk if im even allowed to go bc i had to drop out for mental health reasons and they told me i wasnt allowed on school grounds anymore. idk if that applies here. which btw. way to make a depressed kid feel worse. you can NEVER come to this high school again or we'll ARREST YOU. fuckin bullshit. BUT thats off topic the synopsis is that this halloween sucks so far and i dont really expect it to get better which extra sucks bc im turning 18 next year and i dont wanna let this be the last hurrah for my number one favorite holiday. i cant host fucking parties for my friends after then. im gonna be busy trying to fuck off to the other end of the country. i wont have TIME for it. idk. it sucks. this sucks. fuck art and fuck you /ref (reference) /nbh (nobody here)

Ik you don't want advice for this so I'll just put it on the blog.

And idk if you want it but here's a tea

☕

[campirebitesarchive]

more medical garbage bitching dont mind me (feel free to blacklist camyellsOW to ignore these)

im liking being able to look back on these before other appointments

im currently on hold with my insurance because my rheumatologist listened to me and he wrote me a prescription for ring splints and I called around to physical therapy offices and found one that has hand therapy and can take my and my appointment is in less than 3 weeks which for PT in my area and PT as specific as this thats AMAZING holy shit. Its actually closer to two weeks than 3 but I feel like im doxxing myself if i say specifics lmao

so im calling my insurance company to see if they can tell me ahead of time if there are a fuckload of hoops im going to have to jump through in order to get my splints

for the first time ever I feel kind of hopeful about my joint health. Were doing a lyme disease blood panel to see if thats the source of my nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and headaches. He ordered a couple more things Im going to google

I told him that I know we need to do physical therapy first but eventually id love to talk to him about a wheelchair and he said no and I started crying again and he was like I think thats a bad idea let me tell you why and I was like NO thats internalized ableism and thats a YOU problem! Wheelchairs are mobility they are FREEDOM. I cannot currently lift enough laundry at once to fill the washer without subluxing my shoulder/collarbone so I have to take multiple trips and frequently have to sit down between trips but with a wheelchair Id have the freedom and capability to just do a load of laundry. I already cook having to sit down. You can have an amazing wonderful fulfillling life in wheelchair that you cant have when youre in bed every day because everything hurts so much. You can tell me not right now or maybe in the future but just a no is the most hopeless answer you can give me. That is a YOU problem.

and he like did a little head tilt like a dog and was like. You know what? Youre right. Thats something I need to reevaluate in my own head. So, youre right I wont tell you know, but Ill tell you first we need to try physical therapy

that fucking honesty is why I love him so much. He was like "you need a therapist" and i was like dude if you tell me that one more time im going to start crying again I KNOW

and I apologized and thanked him for dealing with my anger because i just angry cried at him basically the entire appointment and he just said Its okay, I know Im not who youre mad at. I wont take it personally and holy shit that was just the biggest load off of my back and I was like no youre right im literally just mad at my body. At one point he said "you know im empathetic, I bet it does hurt that bad." Like holy shit Dr G you are a king amongst doctors. He had knee surgery recently and I used it against him and he didnt even get mad. In my angry crying I was like you just had knee surgery. Sitting in bed wallowing in pain all day. It fucking sucks doesnt it? Imagine twenty five fucking YEARS of that! and he just nodded and digested that and was like yeah, I hear you.

This man is the best doctor in the world

at the very least im on my way to my ring splints which will help my quality of life SO fucking much holy shit

I also told him about the highly unprofessional cardiologist i saw who just told me I was fat and showed me his grandsons fortnite youtube channel and he was like wow literally what? and I was like I dont know man. And then he talked shit about cardiologists and how they tend to be fuckin weirdos with egos and i was like yo go off my shady king

but on the bright side in less than a week were placing that heart monitor and it will be recording for two weeks and hopefully after that i can obtain my POTS diagnosis and hopefully thatll put me one step closer to being an ambulatory wheelchair user. Id love to still be upright and use my cane when I can but a wheelchair for bad days would be lifechanging

my oldest childhood friend is able bodied the idea of being able to just get a coffee and walk around target with her pain free makes me want to cry THAT is a hopeful future

[r0ttings0ulsstuff]

𝕀𝕞 𝕤𝕠 𝕕𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕓𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕗𝕒𝕥

i wanna go back to my lowest weight (it wasnt even that low tbh) but atleast i was treated a bit better. I cant be fat and tall its a real struggle im always the biggest girl in a room. Im so so so tired of all my friends being hit on while im an invisible fat fuck js sitting in the corner taking up all the space, i mean im happy for them but i js wanna feel that too. Im very good at doing my makeup but if im fat it js looks like lipstick on a pig if you know what i mean. I need to lose like 20kg in order to feel atleast a bit pretty I honestly hate looking at my body at this point i ve been wearing baggy clothes constantly for like a momth now cuz im scared of looking at my fat obese fucking body when i go to take a showet i avoid the mirror js so i wont see my disgusting morbidly obese ugly self. Im gonna be very straight forward with this I want the atention i dont wanna be the invisible bitch that gets laughed at for everything and always insulted for no reason. I think i see a literal double chin comming in AND IM DISGUSTED BY MYSELF i never thought it will get this bad. I grew up as a fat kid always being told to lose weight and called ugly and i kept wishing that when i grew older i would be skinny and beautiful but im js a big fat fatty pig that cant stop eating everything in sight. Nobody ever liked me EVER ive been asked out as a joke on multiple ocassions and thought about killing myself many times but i dont wanna die fat. I went to multiple therapists for this problem i js wanted to learn to accept myself and they js told me im a selfish lil bitch that needs to lose weight such a great thing to say to a 11 year old so cool. Ive never in my whole life been called skinny i only got called fat, chubby, ugly and the list goes on. When i wasnt eating for weeks ppl js told me "eat you are ok js the way you are" THATS SO FUCKUNG BACKHANDED LIKE STFU. Even today i ate SO MUCH ive been binging for like a week straight im a disapointment. If i wasnt fat all my problems would be solved and im not even joking abt that. I know im privliged cuz thats the biggest problem i have but a problem is still a problem. ALSO im TIRED of hearing "you dont want a fast metabolism" bitch stfu you have it so good you dont even know it now go eat the whole kichen cuz you will prob lose weight from it.

This account was made as a way for me to vent and shame myself on the internet in order to stop eating. Maybe it is relatable to some of you (hopefully its not cuz its so bad) i can talk abt this for weeks and still not be done

[lushlagoon]

unposted from 090624

Today was my last day of undergrad class. I am still in London, and my parents arrive tonight and we will go to Paris together tomorrow morning. I had two interviews last night for jobs I dont want.

I was sat in the kitchen of our study abroad office writing my last final essay ever, looking through my girlfriends tagged instagram photos from summer 2023. she looked to happy and free and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fleeting of time. I will never have another "free summer". I started crying and had snot dripping down my face.

its reminding me of high school. how I had just started feeling like a real teenager, doing bad things and being loud with my friends. covid happened and I couldn't see any of them, it was like this thing I had been building up in my head my entire life was gone and im still waiting for it. I told my parents I didnt want to go to prom because I was scared of covid, but it was really because I couldn't face the concept of people realizing how fat id gotten.

im accidentally doing the same thing to myself again in college, expecting 4 years but only getting 3. I dont know why I did this to myself and I wish I had given myself more time. I just wish I had had one summer, free, with my friends just having fun. thats what high school was supposed to be. I kind of had that after covid but idk, I loved it but there was supposed to be more. im really grateful for what I had.

I am excited to return to my friends that I consider lifelong but I worry I shouldn't hold onto them so tight. maybe I am making up this connection and it isn't real.

I dont think I have felt anything fully since I started dating my last boyfriend. he would drive me home and I would feel angry and sad like a little kid. maybe I will start feeling things again soon.

my professor ended class in a heartbreakingly sentimental way. he said "life is about running out of time, and we have run out of time". im tearing up thinking about it. I dont want to run out of time.

I did abbey road with Serena this day. it was fun.

im scared of being an adult and having to work. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and unemployed and all my friends are in school. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and employed and all my friends are in school. I need to chill.

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i had a bad dream and it was a bad dream because it really wasnt that bad

it was about brian, he came back to me again and i. was mad but he owned up to his mistakes and he missed the attention i gave him and i missed giving it and i fucking went back to him and i felt butterflies and. i lingered too long, i wanted to stay

it makes me so SICK no matter how far i denounce him, it doesnt matter if i never think of him much, my brain cant let him go for some reason. why do you miss that? i was so miserable, i was being used. he ADMITTED that he didnt want me to be happy with anyone else and that he wouldnt try to make me happy at all so?

why do i still feel like i want him? its so hard to shake.. i do want him. i really dont, but i miss the attention, even if it was nothing at all. even if the closest thing i could get to any kind of affection was an "aw" when i was sad, i wouldve PUT UP WITH IT for him. i told him that, i told him i would deal with it if he could just.. sincerely apologize to me. for yknow. sexting a teenager!! but he didnt. he wouldnt. he said he couldnt apologize if he didnt mean it

my head still tries to make little fantasy scenarios with him, where everything turned out well and he could change and we could. what??? be happy together? yeah right. he didnt like you fat, didnt like you as a man and only entertained it longer cuz even if yr a man, you still have a cunt and thats what he wanted. annoying as fuck

i just wish i could let it go!!!!! why do i dream about him? and why are they good dreams? dreams that make me wake up with this sense of yearning, something i REALLY need to kill right away like. as fast as possible

im not going back to him i never ever will im . ive never been happier!!! when i left it felt like the end of the world and i was so depressed but ive NEVER FELT BETTER. i have people who actually love me now

and also??? he always pulled this shit talking about how i was a problem for him too, bitch?????? i was 16, you were talking to a 16 yr old with undiagnosed bpd of course im not gonna act RATIONALLY im fucking scared!!!! i was so scared!!! that first night when we met and like. 10 minutes after asking me how old i was it got sexual like IMMEDIATELY and it. felt nice but i was still scared. he doesnt even REMEMBER that conversation, but its burned into my brain. if you want a mature partner then maybe talk to an adult 🥳

i miss the attention, yes, but i dont miss how it made me feel. i dont miss the way it made my guts turn, made me shake. makes me shake just thinking about it. its the same reason i panic on fucking GRINDR, having people interested in me in that way is scary, it reminds me of him. i? i dont know.. its like whenever i get into sexual situations if its not approached gently i get SCARED, scared as if i was a kid again. it wasnt just him, after all. i wish i could just.. grow up? i wish that i didnt get so scared but i know its not my fault, i know that. whatever happened to me, i should have been PROTECTED. i shouldve been safe, but i wasnt

and it makes me so fucking angry? i never told anyone then because i knew that if i told my family, theyd blame me. and i LOVED him, i didnt want anything bad to happen to him, even if what he was doing was so horribly bad for me. i used to talk vaguely about him with my therapist and i started to frustrate her, thats why i dont go anymore. she would get frustrated because she didnt know what my problem is. I KNOW what my problem is, i just.. i was still talking to him, i was trying to approach it in a way that would protect him, even if he didnt deserve it

man. i hate being a tool for people, like genuinely. so tired of it.. yeah, tell me all about yr problems and ill be there to comfort you and listen. never ask about mine tho! never never never. you can ask me for nudes or pictures of my underwear, force me to roleplay with you even tho ive made it clear i dont really like it. ill do it to get you off! im so.

im glad i left. it was a good choice, he made me completely fucking miserable. very few times have i gone thru so much pain it literally forces me to dissociate from my body and view myself from above but! asking someone like that to apologize for uhh idk a crime? guess thats TOO FAR, tried sayin "erm well actually age of consent laws are higher in the us then a lot of countries ☝🤓" kill yourself!!!! like actually!!!!! im glad hes always miserable, i hope it never gets better for him ever

thats the worst part about it. is if it wasnt me, i would absolutely advocate for his death. because hes the kind of person i fucking despise, hes the absolute worst person to me. but i just.. i have a hard time extending that to him because he was awful to ME. he was mine and i used to love him!! i should hate him, and i do, i just wish it came as easy as hating any other predator

hated the way he acted when we argued tho, he tried gaslighting me before. you do not gaslight someone with bpd!!!!! cuz i fucking remember!! i read into everything anyone does extra of COURSE ill remember what happened. tried telling me i initiated it when i literally didnt cuz i knew better!!! i knew i shouldnt be talking to adults, but.. i did it anyways. that fucks me up a lot, it makes me blame myself. i knew i shouldnt, but the attention felt too nice, i didnt want to lose it and LOOK where it got me. permanently altered 🥳 nice job.

will NEVER let him blame me tho, cuz he started it. we separated like 4 times, and EACH TIME, he came back. am i that good? fuck if i know cuz it never felt like i was. probably missed getting his dick wet to our messages honestly. cuz when i was finally 18 he came back and immediately made it sexual again. im ashamed that i didnt stop him

i remember we argued because he thought i was irrational in thinking he would do bad things to me considering he literally told me before "so, consent doesnt matter between us, right?" ??????? im irrational for that?? do you even hear yrself? idk it just. pisses me off i hate him, i wish i could permanently kill the part of my brain that dreams of him fondly because it doesnt happen often but when it does it ruins my whole day

i just. i was too immature to be in a relationship with, but mature enough to be sexted every night? make it make sense!!!!! ik this is a lot, i just. need it off my chest so i can go back to normal. i wish it didnt affect me still but it does. i wish i could have fun!!!! wish i wasnt scared of getting sexual without randomly getting this intense sharp FEAR, fear that shoves me back and makes me run. i want to HEAL from this, i dont want to be like this anymore it fucking sucks. i feel like he ruined me. he'd roll his eyes at that

[selsbrainfarts]

Once again I'm sitting here, like any other evening since the last few weeks.

My mind is racing but empty at the same time.

I feel like theres cotton balls in my skull.

I dont know what to feel anymore.

Is it emptyness?

Solitude?

Grief?

Anger?

Or just a combination of it all, overwhelming me beyong sanity?

I guess thats the one.

I dont know what everything always has to happen at the same time, but it always does.

And every time I wish I could just escape this shithole of a planet.

Escape my fate.

But no matter how far I'd run, it will always be there.

I dont have any solution to this all.

I can just wait and try to numb myself on the weekends.

Yet the numbing never happens, no matter how sensless I drink myself, it donesnt go away.

I need distraction from my private life, yet work is just as crippling as the rest.

It seems like its always me, messing up, being involved, takeing the brunt of anger from everybody.

I know I'm a waste of space, I know I'm slow, I know I'm lazy, I know I'm dumb.

I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm disgusting.

I know.

I try to just avoid everybody because my heart cant take any more at the moment, but everybody seems to follow me just to take their anger out on me.

The problems I have just keep piling up, I dont even know what to work on first.

I want to visit grandma everyday, i know she doesnt want to die alone, but I cant bare it.

I love her so much and I owe it to her but my heart feels like it tearing out of my ribcage.

Grandpa believes he will die before her and the thought pulls the floor from under me.

I know he has had a lot of health issues lately but I didnt think...

They are my world, my safe place.

I cant bare to think about losing them.

Not so close together, not now, not ever.

But its part of life.

I know.

And all things that would usually distract me from that pain just pain me even more.

Because everything needs to happen at once.

I used to seek comfort in my animals.

But my bunny died this summer and my cat now has dementia and hates me all of a sudden.

Its rare she wants me near her.

I used to talk to my friends, I still do but I cant talk honestly.

Not sober.

And even drunk, its not the whole truth.

Because I dont want to burden anybody when they have just as many problems.

And then I find myself, sitting in the cold rain, listening to them and feeling my heart rip even more.

The words want to come out.

But I wont let them slip.

Pathetically enough, I'm still in love with him.

Despite receiving no interest shown towards me.

Despite him showing clearly how utterly stupid he finds me.

Despite not having exchanged a single word for almost 5 months now.

Despite being told and knowing it would never work.

He likes pretty girls, and I am not that.

He was in love with my best friend and she is the polar opposite of me in terms of appearence.

Its so pathetic but thats quite fitting for me.

I'm stuck in this feeling.

Wishing he'd be here, hug me close and just tell everything will be ok.

But it wont happen.

My mom is as bad as always, makeing me feel awful whenever she can.

Makeing fun of my feelings, destroying my comfidence day by day.

Reminding me that I'm not enough for her.

And I know when she is feeling low again and is deep in her manic depression, I will be the one caring for her.

But whenever I'm low or sick, I get even more attacked and hurt by her.

Because I cant do everything she wants me to.

And my dad?

He was honest to me, confessing he had a mental breakdown or even suffers from burnout.

Because even the one person in my life I counted on, knew was strong crumbles at some point.

The approaching death of my grandma pulls him back to 10 years agon, when his mother died.

And thats what broke the great wall of built up feelings and trauma.

I cant bare to see him so empty, broken and hopeless.

I want to help him so badly, but how does one help another when they cannot even help themselfes?

[dumbassloveydoveybitch]

people need to realize body positivity doesn't mean fat = good skinny = bad

i saw a post going around about how skinny people "cant even imagine" the difficultys people of a stockier build have, how they "never have difficulty finding clothes" and "never have to deal with doctors telling them they need to rapidly change their diet because they're unhealthy"

but like those things happen? i had come very close to developing an eating disorder when i was younger because my doctor kept telling me "you are deathly underweight you need to put on more weight" which lead to me constantly eating far more calories a day than is healthy to try to gain weight to the point where i got extremely sick and had to go to the fucking hospital where they told me that i in fact did not need to put on weight and that what i was doing was EXTREMELY unhealthy

and finding clothes? good luck finding an XS in an American clothing store, go to your local thrift store, the larges and XLs take up ~80% of the stock, mediums ~15%, and smalls and XSs the remaining 5%. and what is available at those sizes are almost always clothes that are somewhat revealing, are skinny people not allowed to wear things that dont show their midriff? its near impossible to find any cute clothes that aren't revealing because they rarely go smaller than a medium. Even shopping online, so many times i see something cute and the smallest size available is a US medium. it is soul crushing to see something you want to wear but are unable to due to your body.

and acting like there is no discrimination towards skinny people, while i will admit, in the general sociatal culture and certainly in media there is a different treatment towards people of a lighter build, but its rarely truly positive, that culture does lead to people of more average builds becoming more body conscious and developing eating disorders

but that doesn't mean every person of a lighter build has an eating disorder, there are skinny people who are healthy, all demonizing being skinny does is cause skinny people to develop body image issues and leads to the development of eating disorders, which is, y'know, bad.

and even if it was, does that make them a bad person? does that justify calling them names and telling them how terrible they are? for an illness? body positivity doesn't mean "if you're fat you're good, if you're not fuck off", it means allowing people to be positive about the body they're in, and not demonizing them for that body

When i was younger i was heavily bullied for my weight, i constantly have people ask why i wear long pants and a Jacket in the summer, but its simply due to me not being comfortable with my body due to how i was treated beacuse of it, and if people weren't able to see the parts of my body they saw as "repulsive" then they wouldn't be able to make fun of me for it, and those body image issues still persist to this day, I'm still afraid to wear anything that shows my knees since people really hated my knees since they're gross and disgusting since they have next to no fat deposits on them when most people's knees do and thats *different* so its bad

and even still today, while i dont go out much, expecially to places with a lot of people given i live in the middle of nowhere i still get people being assholes to me because of my weight, the amount of times ive heard someone mutter to themselves " 'rexo bitch" after walking past me is too many, amd these are just some of many examples

bringing down skinny people is not the "body positivity win" you think it is, its anti-equality, you dont need to demonize people of lighter builds to make people of average and heavier builds feel better, just treat everyone equally, otherwise all you are doing is flipping the cycle around, which in turn just perpetrates the exact same things that lead to body image issues in people of larger builds

that brings us to the meaning of body positivity, i meantioned this earlier, but demonizing being skinny, is not body positivity, body positivity means allowing people to feel comfortable in their body, and not making them feel they have to change it. demonizing being skiny works as an antonym to that, telling skinny people how disgusting they are and how they "have it so easy" just makes skinny people feel negative about their bodies, which is not body positivity

this is not to say that being fat or even of average build is bad, its not, its good! you should be able to feel comfortable in the body you have, everyone is different, you shouldn't have to force yourself into a mold to fit into other people's expectations of what is good. in fact id personally say its better to be of a heavier build, a lot of my health issues are partially due to the fact that my body has very low fat density, among other things relating to it that i personally would prefer not to discuss. if i could make myself 20lbs heavier without causing myself any health issues i would, it would save me a lot of money and from a lot of hate

i am fully aware of why the person in that post would make it, you have had to deal with an issue your entire life and then you see someone complaining about the antonym of that issue, of course you'd be mad, its understandable. but that doesn't make it good.

but just because someone has a different issue to yours does not make your issue any less real, it is like comparing Apples to oranges. But dont demonize them for having an issue, as long as they aren't directly being an asshole to you dont be an asshole to them, you wouldn't want a skinny person saying the same things about fat people, so dont do the same in reverse, all you are doing is becoming the very thing you hate.

let people be comfortable in their own bodies. don't demonize them for being of a different build than you. dont bring down other people to raise yourself up. Other people will have other difficulties than you, and they have the right to complain about their issues, as long as they're not hurting anyone, then they have the right to do so. all demonizing them for those issues does is make them feel the exact same pain you did, which benefits nobody.

tl:dr, don't demonize people for being different, different people have different issues and those issues do not make your issues any less valid.

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye