#thats how majority of the days are spent while youre away tbh

[blooming-cecilia]

you asked for it

bites my fist

househusband venti thoughts + being left alone w his baby and spending the day with them while spouse is at work .....

[no-droids]

Kar’taylir

gif credit @sersi​

Part Thirteen of the Rough Day Series

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 11.8K

Warnings: language, angst and fluff, descriptions of a dead body, no real smut in this one but there is some nudity and touching, uhhh i think thats it tbh

A/N: Omg hi hi hello this was written in a week and a half so please be gentle, also I’m back on my linguistics bullshit and I can absolutely guarantee a vast majority of it is inaccurate

***

Everybody is asleep and you’re just a complete mess.

Truly.  And it fucking sucks, because this should be enjoyable.  This is home.  You’re in hyperspace, the hull is pitch black, the baby is asleep, and Din’s breathing is slow and quiet through the darkness.  Your cheek presses to his chest as it rises and falls hypnotically, you’re comfortable and safe and this would normally be a dream.  But your eyes are wide open right now and you are just going through it.  Spiraling in the midst of the most stable surroundings you could possibly conceive.

You suppose that this is partially your fault.  You don’t know why literally any part of you expected Din would explain himself without prompting from you, but you still couldn’t work up nearly the nerve necessary to ask.  Every potential question you came up with contradicted your intent, every way you tried to mentally phrase it gave off the wrong impression.  How do you ask somebody if they were being serious about something without revealing anything about your own intentions?  You can’t—that’s a downside of staying silent.

Din hasn’t said a single word since he urged you to leave the shooting range earlier, and he didn’t really seem like the quiet didn’t suit him, if that makes sense.  Yours was awkward, it fit you wrong.  You struggled for words while he easily ignored their existence altogether, able to navigate the Crest into hyperspace and exist comfortably around you without ever addressing the giant bantha in the room.  Maybe that’s part of the reason you floundered so hard—he didn’t avoid you, he held the kid while you took a shower in the small fresher, and even though he was quieter around you than he’d been in awhile, he gave no indication that anything was wrong at all.

You spent that time getting clean but also formulating some sort of plan.  As you bathed in actual water for the first time in a week and scrubbed your body clean, you tried to figure out at least why you were having so much trouble coming up with something to say, but even then, words evaded you.  You spent the entire time staring blankly at the metal wall, at a complete fucking loss.

When you came out of the fresher with wet hair and comfortable clothing to sleep in, Din was armorless and resting in your makeshift bed on the floor, the baby tucked soundly in his crib next to him.  You turned off the lights and carefully found your way under the blankets next to him in the pitch blackness, feeling him lazily reach around you and pull you to rest against his chest.  His fingers gently drew circles along your arm for maybe the first few minutes while you worked up the nerve to speak.  You needed to say something, this was your chance—

But then his hand soon fell to rest in one place on your shoulder and he passed out.  Helmet on, not even a few minutes of your quiet breathing next to him.

So now, you’re here, just… a little ball of stress in the middle of paradise.  Hours have passed, you need sleep after such a physically exhausting week but it’s like you haven’t even processed the fucking proposition he presented to you yet.  You’re having trouble even thinking the words, that’s how much he’s got you fucked up.

He said… hit the target and I’ll ma…. hit the target and I’ll marrrrr…

Fuck.  You stay on that loop for ages until your eyes begin to grow heavy, until you just settle on thinking about it with them closed.  Slow breaths from Din under one ear, the silence of hyperspace all around you—how are you supposed to contemplate when his body is so warm?  No, you can ask tomorrow, you’ll ask him tomorrow.

Eventually, you’re able to drift off into a troubled slumber, dreaming of bells made of beskar that deafen anyone who rings them.

***

You wake up what feels like two minutes later.

It’s not, but you don’t know that.  You’re so warm and the second your eyes open, they start stinging and burning and tearing up like your body just wants to cry for even being awake right now.  You finally got to sleep—you moan pitifully and start to turn your head further into the warm blankets, but then a gloved hand smooths your hair back and a voice whispers quiet through the darkness.

“I have to go.”

And oh, his touch is just the gentlest thing, but what he says makes your already fragile mental state want to shatter.  The first words he gives you in hours and they’re the ones you loathe to hear the most.

“W-Wha?  No,” you whimper and automatically reach for him, your throat starting to close up.  Maker, you’re so tired, you’re so tired, you feel so fucking emotional and vulnerable right now and you’re not even awake enough to realize it.  “Why?”

Din just catches your hands and brings both of them together in front of him, slowly pressing your knuckles to the cold beskar on the face of his helmet.

“I meet with Karga in three days,” he murmurs back, voice pillow-soft and barely loud enough to come through the steel under your fingers.  It’s gentle and lulling and it makes you want to sleep again, but you can’t and you feel like you could burst into tears for that reason alone.  “He gave me four pucks, I need four bodies.”

You can’t argue with it, the logic is perfectly sound.  But you still want to, and everything inside you revolts at the thought of allowing him leave like this without fighting for more.  Which means you have absolutely nothing reasonable or compelling to say to appeal to him; all you’re left with the glaring truth.

“But I don’t want you to leave,” you whisper, tightening your fingers.

And, perhaps if you were even half-conscious, you’d wince.  You’d cringe at the shake in your voice, you’d remind yourself that he has to make a living, he’s said it over and over again.  If you were completely awake, you’d scold yourself for being such a needy mess, but right now, all you can think about is how much you want him to stay, just this once.

After a moment, you feel the gloves carefully collect both of your hands into just one of his, and then he slowly reaches out with his free hand to cradle your jaw.

“I won’t be gone long,” Din murmurs.  “I can’t be.”

Your head turns slowly in his palm, and you’re just so, so sleepy.  Your voice is small and your words slur.  “Stay with me.”

Quiet, and though you can’t see him, the leather continues to press so warm to your cheek.  Your eyes slowly drift shut, needing him to stay exactly like this, stay right here just like this.  Karga can wait, the quarry can wait, the galaxy can wait—everything else can wait when things are like this, when he’s looking down at you breathing slow into his palm.

You’re almost asleep again when you hear him say something.

But… you have no idea what he says.  You hear it.  You hear his voice come through the pitch black, quiet enough to sit just on top of the silence and let the mysterious words simply become a part of it, but it’s strange.  Like his cadence lilts in a different way, the vowels are longer than what you’re used to, and your comprehension abruptly falters like it would if he was speaking another language altogether.

Maybe it’s just because it’s the first thing to pull you back from the edges of sleep, that has to be right.  It doesn’t sound like Basic because your mind is stupid and slow right now.  You need to ask him to repeat himself, but all that you can muster is the soft sound of confusion, not even able to open your eyes anymore.

His hands pull away from you and once again, you suddenly can’t decide between sleep and crying, quickly lifting and trying to reach out for him in the darkness.  You can’t feel anything, it’s like he’s completely disappeared from where you assumed he’d be, except then something tiny is placed into your hands instead and it makes an unhappy little sound at being disturbed.  You automatically hold the baby close to your chest and strong hands touch your shoulders, urging you to lay back down again.

“Leave the engine running, you’ll freeze if you don’t,” he mutters, quickly tucking the blankets up under your body while you close your eyes and feel the tears wet your lashes.  Fuck, you’re so exhausted, you just need to sleep.  “If I’m not back in sixteen hours, I’ll use my e-comm and you’ll have to fly out to me.”

He steps away from you, walks quickly and with purpose to the side of the hull, and a blast of frigid air fills the room before the door is slammed shut behind him.

***

Your head hurts.

Sparks and wires give your fingers mean, zapping reminders to pay attention every time your focus slips, but you still feel like you’re in a daze.

“Come on,” you drone, trying to use your voice to snap yourself back into the present, but the sound of it isn’t even interesting enough to pull you away.  “Come on.”

Maker, you’re going fucking crazy.  Is this just all an elaborate scheme to make you experience the same kind of insanity he told you he struggles with in your absence?  Because you don’t like this—you hate feeling like this, you can’t concentrate on anything and even if he hadn’t instructed you to do so, you’d likely still be counting the hours of his absence.

Fourteen have passed so far, not the sixteen you’re waiting for but getting close.  It’s one thing you’ve been able to accomplish.  Counting.  You can still count right now, so at least there’s that.

Oh, and another hoop you’ve jumped through.  Understanding words.  You can listen and repeat, even if you still can’t fully comprehend, but you’re getting there.

Din said… hit the target and I’ll marry you.

He said that.  Yep.  You’ve accepted it, you’ve accepted the words that were said.  Indeed.

Okay, but now… like…

What did he mean by that?  Why did he say that?

No matter how much you tell yourself he was just messing around—no matter how many times you offer up that perfectly logical answer to the burning question you’ve been sitting on, you still aren’t satisfied with it.  Something keeps tugging your mind back to it, a tether constantly pulling you away from the work that’s designed to be your distraction.

You frown down at the box of machinery.  Whelp, if he was serious, he’d probably immediately take the offer back after witnessing your behavior this morning.  You embarrassed yourself terribly, you acted like a clingy baby in the looming shadow of unconsciousness and what’s worse, you can’t even remember what he said after you begged him to stay.  It could’ve been a quiet, “Stars, pull yourself together,” for all you know.

And honestly, just… fuck these electronics.  You’re at the point where you’d probably cheer on whatever brutal impact damaged them so atrociously if you weren’t also well aware that this box was very likely attached to Din’s chest when it was crushed.  The magnetics are a complete mess, and you’re mostly just attempting to see how the individual components of each piece are supposed to communicate.  Turning the switch on doesn’t do much at all besides make the capacitors put out heat.  Not enough to shut it down or be a hazard to the housing when you close it, but enough to know that it’s going to present a problem for you at some point.

What’s more, you’re so lost in your own thoughts and busywork that you don’t see two green ears poking out over the top of the pile of armor on your temporary workstation (literally just the floor) until one of the thigh braces comes clattering down and the whole thing collapses with a ruckus.

You suddenly shove the metal box away from you in frustration and you reach for the little troublemaker with a sigh, scooping him up and getting to your feet.

“This isn’t going to work,” you grunt to him, hearing your words better for some reason when you direct them at the baby instead of talking to yourself, and his eh? allows the thoughts to come clearer and easier.  No, you can’t be distracted when your distraction is just another part of your status quo, you can’t use fixing mechanics to occupy yourself because it’s what you’ve done to occupy yourself your entire life, it’s worn off at this point.  You need something newer.  Something that takes your entire focus to do.

Eventually, your eyes drift over to the one metal panel on the wall that you’ve rarely ever opened.  One that takes up a comparatively enormous amount of space in the hull considering what you know it holds.  You eye the kid in your arm, who suddenly has sneaky painted all over his expression.  “You thinking what I’m thinking, demon?”

He squeaks his affirmative and you move over to the armory, pressing a few buttons before the doors slide open by themselves.  Because of course Mando invested in hydraulics for the gun closet but not for the hidden cot he used to sleep on, of course.

“Maker above,” you groan as the metal slides open, needing to lift your chin to eye the enormous collection.  How many fucking…?  All this for just one person?  What does that big one in the middle do that the others stacked strategically around it don’t?  They all kill whatever you point and shoot at, you’re assuming?  Are you missing something?

The baby makes a tiny sound of awe as you carefully look over your choices, not expecting nearly this many to be offered, before settling on one that looks the simplest.  A sleek silver one that’s still too big for your hand but smaller than anything else on the rack.

Grabby fingers reach out for the shiny metal as soon as you remove it from the shelf and you very purposefully set it down out of his pitiful wingspan.  “Nope.  Now come on, gotta bundle up.”

You make your way back over to the bed and pull one of the thickest blankets up, settling it over the open shield and then situating your partner in crime in his usual spot inside.  You strategically stuff and stack the fabric around him to make sure he’ll be warm enough in what you know has to be far below freezing temperatures, lifting it up over his ears and wrapping it around his neck in a loose hood.  He blinks up at you with gigantic eyes and an open mouth, clearly thrilled about your willingness to go on an adventure with him this time instead of being the tall nuisance that consistently holds him back from one, and you scoff down at him as you partially close the lid on his levitating nest of blankets for extra protection.  He should be warm enough, you’re not going to be outside long.

And then you pull out nearly half the amount of clothes you own and suit up in what feels like ten layers before grabbing the blaster.  The swirling wind nearly shoves the heavy hull door into you as soon as you open it and—Maker.

You look back at the kid behind you for a second, wondering if it’s too late to change your mind.  His expression narrows and he makes a triumphant ha! while pointing three fingers at the grey blizzard through the small open space in his crib.  Try as you might, you can’t ignore a call to arms when delivered with such ferocity.

Both of you step outside and take in the view after you wrestle with the door to haul it shut.  You don’t know the name of this planet but from what you can see, it’s one giant ice ball, mountainous and cold as fuck.  Though, to be honest, your only indication that it’s truly cold as fuck is the continuously accumulating snow blanketing the landscape and the flurries dancing in the whipping wind.  You’re too warm-blooded for climates like these—anything below room temperature and you’re freezing, you have absolutely no tolerance for cold whatsoever.

Keeping that in mind, you don’t travel far at all.  Just a few steps beyond the entrance to your shelter before eyeing what appears to be a large white boulder in the distance.  There’s a solid target, you figure—you’ll be able to see chunks splintering off when you hit it and the ice isn’t strong enough to bounce plasma back, you won’t have any ricochets.

Okay.  Okay—safety, where’s the safety on this one?  Ah, yes, okay—safety, off.  Stance, find your stance.  There it is.  Alright, now lift.  Lift, get that stupid frozen ball right in your sights, line it up.  Hold.  Hold.  Hold.

Inhale, exhale.  Inhale, exhale—

Fire.

You watch with bated breath as the bright red bolt launches from the end of the barrel and travels across the distance before melting a hole in the snow just to the right of your target.

“Mother fucker!”  You yell into the frigid landscape without warning, suddenly infuriated.  What’s the point of even having a sight if every gun is just gonna say fuck you no matter what?  Could there be some sort of mathematical reason why you seem to be fucking atrocious at this, you wonder?  Are you fucking up the angle somehow while trying to read the scope?  Should you just ignore it and try to aim without thinking too hard?

Admittedly, you spend the next five minutes shooting at that stupid fucking thing, not making a single shot.  It’s not been long at all, but your entire body is already trembling uncontrollably and it is just too fucking cold out here.  Freezing your fucking ass off isn’t going to help your aim of course, but it’s almost just tragic at this point.  Either you’ve got to accept that you’re just absolutely hopeless at this, or you’ve got to… blame the little womprat behind you for messing up your shots, yeah.  It wouldn't surprise you.

As a last ditch effort, you consider trying something a bit ridiculous to see if he really is fucking with you.

“I’m firing one last shot,” you call out loudly over the sound of the bristling wind and flurries, making sure he can hear your narration from his little blanket cave behind you.  “If I hit the target… I will present our demon overlord with a chunk of raw meat later for dinner.”

You give the offer a moment to sink in before raising the blaster, and then you jerk it up at the very last second while pulling the trigger.  The arc of plasma quickly disappears into the gloomy skies over the top of the ice boulder, completely straight.

You switch the safety on and turn around to say something smart to him, but… well.  Uh.  That’s an empty crib.

Sudden panic rips through you at the sight of the wide open shield, the blanket left abandoned inside.  Your head whips around in horror, wondering where the fuck he could’ve gone—but then you’re able to spot tiny footprints in the snow.  Your eyes quickly follow them up and see the baby wading his way up a large hill, slow against the terrain and trying in vain to get to something at the very top.

You drop the blaster and bolt through the blizzard to get to him while calling out through the freezing air and wishing, not for the first time, that you had a name to roar and strike fear into his tiny little heart.  In this case, you prefer a middle name as well.

Finally reaching him and yanking him up from the snow, you tuck him under the warmest part of your arm and open your mouth to start venting the terror from your body, but he makes a distressed noise and starts climbing.  You fumble with him on your way back down, not expecting that response, but he’s so distraught and preoccupied that he’s unable to stay still, trying to find different ways of escaping your grasp and making more and more sounds to indicate something is wrong.

���What the fuck are you—” you stuff him into the shield and at least get the blankets wrapped around him before looking back and trying to spot whatever he’s still wiggling and attempting to get to.  Frustrated cries start filling the icy air and… okay.  “Okay,” you tell him, your breath puffing like smoke in front of you, “okay okay, we can go look, but you need to stay warm.”

You clutch the edge of his metal shield and urge it to follow you back up the snowy hill, feeling the crunch of your feet disappear further and further into it as you climb.  Your outer two layers are probably soaked by now—stars, it’s so fucking cold.  You know you’re not exactly the best judge, but you’ve been outside less than five minutes and you’re already worried about getting sick or frostbite, already jumpy and wanting to go back to the warmth of the hull.

But as you reach the top and look out in the distance, you can just barely make out a familiar metallic glint on the horizon.  

Your heart picks up, but the baby makes another distressed sound.  Not… happy, not thrilled that his dad is coming back.  Some strange sort of dread begins to fill you, carefully holding the kid in his shield with one hand and looking at the bright reflection of light a little ways away just to make sure it’s…

No, it’s not moving.  Not disappearing and reappearing, not catching the sunlight differently.  Completely stationary in this absolutely horrendous weather.

You immediately make your way in that direction, your body deciding to outright abandon its trembling in the wake of this newfound worry.  You’re suddenly sweating, way too warm.  That’s Din, you recognize the glint of his armor anywhere, but why isn’t he moving?

The closer you get, the faster you move and the more you’re able to see.  He’s laying facedown in the snow.  There’s quite a bit of it covering the back of his cape, maybe a few inches, and… there’s also someone laying equally as lifeless behind him.  Your heart is slamming now, you’re doing your best to run in the unforgiving terrain, and you finally see that it’s… a corpse, a frozen corpse is behind him with a rope tied around its ankles, clutched tight in Din’s unmoving fist as it lays against the pure white backdrop.

“Mando?”  You call out, dropping to your knees as soon as you reach him.  “Hey—hey, can you hear me?”

The beskar strapped to him is frozen over and feels colder than ice when you try to shake him.  He doesn’t respond.  He’s dead weight; you do your best to turn him over on his back, but you still get nothing from him.  You shove your trembling fingers up under the helmet, and the only reassurance you have that he’s even alive comes from the petrifyingly slow pulse beating underneath.  His skin is ice cold.

Shit, he’s still breathing but he’s hypothermic, you have to get him back to the Crest right fucking now.

You fumble to get in position above his head while hooking both your arms under his, before leaning everything you have into it—but fuck, he’s so heavy.  You can barely lift him even just a few inches off the ground—the snow is deep, his armor makes him weigh a ton and the fabric wrapped around him is sopping wet.  You try again, making a tight sound in your throat while you haul, but it’s no use.

“Fuck,” you curse, starting to panic even fucking harder.  You’re gasping and breathless and getting dizzy and scared, continuing to try and find different angles to heave—

—until suddenly the burden is lifted.

You nearly fall backwards on your ass at the abrupt removal of tension, playing tug-of-war with a team that decided to give up with no warning.  But it’s like it almost doesn’t even phase you; you don’t even look behind you to see the baby’s eyes closed tight in concentration, you just recover and pull with both arms, feeling Din’s body gliding easily along the snow now and leading him all the way back down the hill.

Once you get inside the Crest and shut the door to the raging blizzard behind the three of you, there’s an extended moment where you just… you don’t know what to do.  You know all about how to deal with heatstroke, but this is the opposite—he either spent too long in the cold, or he exhausted himself trying to get back too quickly and then spent too long in the cold.  He said he’d use his e-comm if he wasn’t back in sixteen hours—was that the cutoff?  The point where the temperature outside would shut his body down and he’d need you to come get him?

Regardless, you need to warm him up.  Yes, that’s your priority, and you figure the quickest and safest way to accomplish it has to be the shower in slow increments.  The kid helps you move Din into the tiny fresher in the hull and then you sit on the floor with him, holding his limp body to your chest while reaching up to turn the faucet on.

Cold water sprays down and then suddenly—oof, he’s heavier than fuck again.  Air leaves your lungs and your neck cranes back under the unexpected increase in pressure on top of you to see the kid climbing down from his shield, no longer focused on mentally bearing most of his father’s weight or directing his own hovering form of transportation along behind you.  The baby disappears out of sight and you huff, completely trapped under Din as freezing water rains down on you.

Fuck, it’s so cold.  It’s way too fucking cold for you, but your core body temperature is also mostly normal right now.  Din’s isn’t, you’ll probably shock his system if you try to warm him up too quickly.  So you reach up and twist the knob, keeping it at a temperature he’d probably find just the slightest bit warm while inspiring violent shudders from you.

“H-Hey, I’m gonna t-t-take this off, o-okay—” you stutter down at him, knowing damn well he isn’t conscious to hear you but giving him that reassurance on the small chance he is, and then reach with trembling fingers to work at his armor.  You worry that the beskar is keeping the cold trapped the same way his clothes are, like having solid pieces of ice strapped to his body and nothing to protect him besides a few layers of soaking wet fabric.

The chestpiece comes off and you throw it blindly over your shoulder into the hull with a clang—admittedly, without thinking about where the baby is at all anymore.  The pauldrons come off next, but not before you reach up and turn the heat up just the slightest bit.  Your jerky limbs just want to blast it and remove the rest of his clothes in steamy hot water, but you can’t.  Even though your mind is hurtling at a thousand lightyears an hour, whatever reason you have left reminds you that you have to be patient or risk losing him entirely.

Eventually you’re able to get all the armor off but you hate the way he’s breathing right now.  Slow and shallow, like he just doesn’t really need the air at all but his body is still fighting for it on instinct.  His chest barely moves with it even when it’s got nothing weighing it down.

“You’ll b-be okay,” you say aloud, talking to the both of you even though only one is capable of responding.  “Y-Y-You’ll be o-okay—”

You reach up to inch the temperature a little higher, shivering terribly now.  His body feels slightly warmer under the shower than it did with the beskar, but you know you need to keep going and take the fabric off now.  Maker, it’s nearly impossible—the black clothing clings to his skin and its such a small space to maneuver, but it gives your mind and hands a clear goal to focus on while the water incrementally heats up.

Strangely, your adrenaline has been rocketing for so long that you almost lose track of time.  You just keep deadly focused on your task of undressing him and slowly heating the shower, trying not to think, trying not to get in your head and bring about disaster in such a crucial set of moments.

At some point, the water is warm.  Comfortably warm, and Din’s body isn’t ice cold anymore.  It’s warm, too, laying back into your chest and naked besides the helmet, but he’s still not moving.  No response, no matter how much mindless drabble you supply, no matter how steamy and hot the shower has become, no matter how much your own body has heated up.  Your fingers have found their home under his jaw, pressed right to his pulse point and feeling it continue to beat slow and faint, but you’re starting to feel the terror set in.  Real terror, the kind that makes you stupid and emotional, the kind that turns you back into a child again.

“I don’t know if it’s working,” you suddenly choke out, close to tears.  He’s warm, what else can you do for him?  Why is he not waking up?  “I-I don’t know what to do, Din, I…”

No—no, you cannot lose your shit, not yet.  You will exhaust every fucking option before you let that fear set in.  He’s not waking up because he needs to recover, his body needs time to work things out in a warm, comfortable environment.  He’s breathing, his heart is beating, he’s warm, and he’s still with you, so… you need to still be with him.

You turn the water off and clumsily get up, grabbing him under the arms and hauling him back into the hull.  He’s still heavy but it’s so much easier than before to move him; there’s no armor weighing him down anymore besides the helmet, no cape or snow or friction to catch him, no cold to lock your muscles up.  It’s slow going but you’re finally able to settle him in the warmth of your shared bed and then cover his body in the collection of blankets you’ve amassed.  You stand up and peel off all your wet layers of clothing, letting them plop to the metal floor while glancing around for the kid—

—who is currently swinging from the ladder to the cockpit with one hand.

It startles you for just a moment, just long enough for you to wonder what the fuck he thinks he’s doing up there, but then you figure that if he found some way to get up there then he can surely find his way back down again.

As you quickly drop to the bed and scoot up next to Din’s limp body under the blankets, the Crest’s engine suddenly gives a low rumble below the floor and heat starts blowing through the hull vents.  Again, you’re too preoccupied to even notice the gift much.  You’re tugging and tucking blankets around him and up under the metallic edge of his helmet when...

Maker, you need to take this off.  If the inside is wet, it’s probably keeping his head cold while the rest of him is warm from the shower.  You know it’s not a light thing—you know… you know at least a fraction of what this means.  You won’t look, you won’t look unless something absolutely drastic happens and it’s completely unavoidable, but you need to take his helmet off.

You catch the shoulder furthest from you and tug at his heavy body until he’s on his side, facing you on the bed.

“Din, I have to take your helmet off,” you warn him, saying it slowly and clearly.  Again, just in case.  “I’m not gonna look.  Nobody is gonna look—” your gaze flicks behind him to eye the baby, who is now somehow on the metal ground and waddling up to you both.  He blinks enormous black eyes at you, looking between you and his father huddled together under the blankets.

“Close your eyes,” you tell him very seriously, no room for negotiating.  “I know you understand me.”

It takes just a few seconds before he lifts his hands up and does exactly what you say, placing his fingers over his closed eyelids and then even so much as toddling around to face the wall.  You gasp in relief, clenching your eyes firmly shut and then pulling the helmet up, making sure you catch his head before it falls with one hand while tossing the beskar somewhere in the hull with the other.

Cold.  His hair is soaking wet and so cold, and his head rolls slightly as you guide it to rest in the warmest part of your neck.  Your hand stays attached to the back of it, wanting to transfer every single bit of warmth from your palm to him, and your eyes open to the kid’s back as your other arm wraps around Din’s bare spine.

And then all at once, you just feel… helpless.  He’s in your arms but Maker, you don’t know what else you can do.  The heat is blasting, you’re warm and pressed against him under multiple blankets, the engine is slowly heating the metal floor, but his breathing.  Slow.  Shallow.  Barely able to be felt against your neck.  He’s here but he’s not.  And you have no way of knowing if he’s getting closer or further away from you.

Tears start coming before you even realize.  But you have nothing to say.  After spending the entire time talking out loud, providing reassurances, narrating, distracting yourself—you don’t have anything anymore.  The silence twists you tighter, the nothing becomes inescapable, and the sudden sob that leaves you echoes hauntingly throughout the hull.  You pull his limp body as close to you as possible for comfort.  Wake up.  Wake up.

Your vision is watery—you don’t see it.  You don’t see the kid slowly turn around and take a few steps forward.  You only notice he’s there when green catches in the abstract blur, but you sniff and blink quickly to clear it.  It only takes a second to see the baby’s hand, extending and pressing against the blanket covering Din’s back, and you watch with wide eyes as he closes his.

And then there’s a second.  A second where you dare to hope.  Where you wonder if it’s even something that can be done.

The kid lowers his hand just a moment later and stumbles back a few steps, before plopping down on the ground and slowly falling backwards.  You have just enough time to see his little body inhale and exhale a few times as he sleeps, and then—

—and then Din suddenly jolts in your arms, bursting with too much life after spending too many heart wrenching moments without it.

“Shhh,” you breathe, instantly tightening your grip on the back of his head so he doesn’t pull away from you in a panic and keeping it tucked into the warmest part of your neck, right where your pulse thrums fast and present.  Your eyes clench tightly shut just in case and your heart bursts with pure, blinding, heavenly relief.  “Shhh sh sh, stay right here, just stay right here…”

As soon as he seems to recognize your voice and figure out that he’s not dead, his body immediately starts wreaking with shivers.  You squeeze him tight to you, feeling his large, quaking frame curl inwards into you for warmth, burying his own face into your neck even further and breathing shallow but quickly now, like his body actually wants the air again.  You do your best to will your blood to pump faster and provide him that relief, stretching and opening your body as much as possible to give him warmth.

And then you spend the next few hours like that.  Holding him, murmuring gently to him, providing him with your body heat and stars, he fucking clings to you.  He presses tight to you and trembles, and you don’t even know if he’s listening, but you keep talking.  Finding words for hours, and while some of them are just different ways of saying the same thing, you say them anyway.

He’s okay.  The kid is okay.  Everyone is okay.

Eventually, the shivering dies down until it stops altogether.  Din stays in one place and goes completely limp again, but this time he continues to breathe you in, slow and deep into the crook of your neck.  Fast asleep in your arms, and you thank the good fucking Maker above for the little angel passed out on the floor behind him.

***

He has to meet with Karga in two days.

After a few more hours of holding him and making absolutely sure he’s going to be alright, that’s all you can stupidly think about.

A deadline.  A very quickly approaching one.

You don’t know why.  But it might have something to do with the fact that you want nothing more than to climb up into the cockpit and navigate the ship off this horrid planet, and you can’t.  You’re confident that the hull and blankets are warm enough by themselves to keep Din comfortable as he recovers, and you’ve also had quite a while to regroup and get your mind thinking logically again, so you’re not worried about getting up and leaving him right now, no.  That’s not the problem.

The problem is that there’s a corpse outside.  You know this.  You know it’s there, and you know he needs it.  Nobody’s gonna take his word for just saying they’re dead, much less pay him for his services; no body, no bounty.  You also know it’s probably being covered with fresh snow right now, or maybe some sort of wild animal has already gotten their teeth into it, if anything can even survive out there.  And you’re the only one awake.  The only one capable of going to get it.

You’ve been arguing with yourself.  For about an hour, you’ve been struggling with the thought.  Din is soft and warm and every breath makes you focus less on the terrifying moments that occurred and more on the need to step up once again.

In the end, it’s the kid who gives you the final push.  You’re not going to leave him laying on the floor like that for any longer.  Not after what he did.

You take a second, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up all the way over Din’s head as it rests warm and comfortable in your neck.  You’re incredibly careful to cover his face, and even while climbing out of the warm cocoon of the bed, you keep your eyes firmly shut and continue to pull the fabric even higher, making absolutely sure you’re not going to see his face on accident.  You shouldn’t, you don’t think, as long as he doesn’t jerk awake and pull it down himself, but you want to take extra precaution regardless.

After quickly yanking on some clothes, you immediately make your way over to the kid and pick him up, seeing his little mouth open as he snores—and oh, you just have to.  You pull him to your chest and give him the most heartfelt, thankful embrace you can while not squishing him, before setting him down in his much more comfortable hovering blanket palace and closing the lid on it.

You know you have a very clear task now, but for just a few moments longer, you do your best to stall despite the ticking clock.  You start to pick up the mess in the hull—you close the fresher door, pick up Din’s discarded armor and set it in a neat pile close to the bed, place the helmet under the vent to encourage the padding inside to dry faster, and then you collect his old armor and stuff it back into one of the storage cubbies with your toolbox.

Only, an idea suddenly occurs to you as you’re putting away the chestpiece.  When you open the door to the hull, you know that a blast of cold air is going to flood the ship.  The engine is still heating everything inside and making sure you don’t get trapped in the snow by continuously melting it on the outside, but you don’t want Din to start shivering again.

So you grab the dented piece of electronics you were working on and flip the power switch, feeling the capacitors slowly start to heat up inside the housing.  You go back over and lift the blanket near his feet just enough to tuck the metal under it, close enough to Din that he’ll feel the same amount of warmth your body was providing him but not enough to overheat.

And then you make your way over to your bag and pull on the rest of your clothes, now exhausting almost every single clean thing you own just to make another trek through the snow.  You’re in the middle of pulling on your fifth pair of pants when the thought truly sinks in.

A corpse.  A dead body.  That you’re actually considering going out into the worst fucking weather in the galaxy to search for, haul back to the ship, and put into carbonite.  Because of a fucking deadline for an occupation very much not your own, very much not chosen by you.

You quickly walk over and leave through the door on the side of the hull before you can change your mind, slamming it shut behind you.

***

Well, it’s…  It’s not too terrible, you guess.

It’s been frozen out here for hours, that’s why.  It’s not bloody, not gory, not demented or malformed in any way.  Tranquil almost, like the creature died in its sleep in this nightmarish landscape, perfectly at peace.

You still don’t want to get anywhere close to it, but you have to.  You pull a face and slowly reach out, absolutely not thinking about the literal impossibility of it playing dead and just waiting for the moment to strike, but even still…  Even if there was nothing more sinister hiding underneath the surface of this scene, it’s still… existentially fucked up.  The last time you were confronted with a dead body, Din had to be the one to dispose of it—you couldn’t even think about it without threatening another wave of shock to your system.

And now you’re voluntarily grabbing the rope around one’s ankles and dragging it back down the pure white slope to the Razor Crest.

It doesn’t weigh that much and its icy exterior seems to work in your favor; it slides easily along the snow as soon as you get it moving.  As the ship comes back into view, you hurry to the door and you’re just about to open it when you suddenly get the feeling that you’re forgetting something…

Oh—

It takes a few moments of searching around in the freshly fallen snow, but eventually your fingers brush metal underneath and you stand, reaching behind you to tuck the blaster into your waistband.  When you’re positive you’re not going to accidentally shoot a chunk of your ass off on accident, you shove open the door and pull the body inside, before locking it tight behind you and keeping the frigid winter from touching this warm, quiet safe-haven.

There.  Halfway done.  You almost don’t want to look in case he wakes up unexpectedly, but then you find yourself peeking over your shoulder at the silhouette of Din’s body still passed out under the blankets and you’re thankful the squeaks and slams didn’t disturb him.

And then you take just a second to wonder if this is what it must be like for him.  Minus your obvious discomfort and ickiness at beginning to haul the corpse over to the carbonite chamber, it seems like it’d be reminiscent of any other time he’s brought back a dead quarry while you and the baby slept soundly.  Trying to be quiet, wanting it done and over with just to get back in bed that much faster, doing everything you can to prevent anything out there from so much as breathing on anything in here.

You do your best to hold on to the loveliness of the thought, because this part is the part you’re most anxious about.

The body needs to go into this slanted upright space so you can freeze it in carbonite.  And in order to do that, you have to grab it and put it there.  With your hands, you have to grab it.  With your hands.

You look down at its face, calm and at peace, frozen and forever etched into that expression, and something twists in your heart.  If it weren’t for the kid, that could’ve been Din.  If it weren’t for the kid walking barefoot through snow, fighting an uphill battle to make sure you get to him, helping you drag him back here and then overexerting himself to make sure he’d be okay, that could’ve been Din.  He drives you crazy on a consistent basis, but he came through today.

Know what?  If that little squirt can save a grown man’s life twice in a few hours, then the least you can do is finish this job for all three of you and fly your asses out of here.

Weirdly enough, being frozen solid allows for way better handling than the alternative.  It means you don’t actually have to touch it too much; you don’t have to deal with the limpness of death, it doesn’t seem as much like a person as it does a rigid board you’re simply moving from one place to another.  You can just grab the shoulders and yank and the entire fucking thing goes with it, solid and upright, naturally wanting to lean back into the chamber so you don’t even have to hold it in place.  The perfect quarry for you basically, day one stuff, as easy as it could get.

Almost done, almost done—you study the key panel on the upper-right frame before eventually pressing a few buttons, and then you step back as gas freezes and solidifies the corpse in its carbonite prison.

Yes.  You’re done.  You already want to take another shower just from touching it for a few seconds, but that can wait.  Quickly making your way up the ladder and into the cockpit, you fire up the thrusters and then navigate the ship through and beyond the swirling white atmosphere of this dreadful fucking planet, before punching in familiar coordinates to Nevarro.

***

“Din,” you murmur, making sure you have your eyes completely covered with one hand before gently easing the blanket down from his face with the other.  “Din, I want you to drink some wat—”

He jerks awake so suddenly that you hear the metal canteen fall over on the floor next to you, thank the Maker its lid is on tight.  You automatically reach out to steady him, pressing your free hand to his bare chest and continuing to speak calmly and gently to reassure him, but he still scrambles to take in his surroundings after sleeping longer than he probably has in weeks.  

You know what he’s seeing, even though you’re blind right now.  You took time to make sure everything was settled before waking him.  The hull is clean with only a single light to illuminate it, the baby is still snoozing in his closed crib, his armor is stacked in a neat pile, the blaster is put away, and you retired your makeshift blanket heater box so the only thing left is you.  Freshly showered, hair dripping, offering him water, and dressed in just a thin shirt with nothing else (you ran out of things to wear).

“Wh-Where’s my h-h-helmet—” is the first thing he asks, voice broken and raspy.  Stars, he needs water.

“The padding inside is wet,” you quickly supply, keeping your hand tight over the bridge of your eyes to make sure his freshly conscious mind immediately understands that you have no bad intentions.  “I swear I didn’t look, and I made sure the kid didn’t either.  He’s sleeping now, it’s just me—I swear nobody looked, I swear.”

You might just be saying the exact same thing over and over again and admittedly, that might be putting some weird kind of suspicion on you, but you just want to make sure he knows.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt.  It’s important that he knows he’s safe and that everything is okay now, even if he collapsed and spent an unknown amount of time in a purgatory where nothing was.

His body trembles under your palm, waves of shudders attacking him even after hours of keeping him as warm as possible.  “Are—Are we st-still on H-Ho—H-Hoth—”

“No,” you answer.  “We’re in hyperspace.  Everything’s okay now, I took care of it.  We’ll get to Nevarro on time.”

It’s like he takes just a few extra moments, as if he’s trying extra hard to remember before responding.  “But—I d-didn’t—”

“You have four bodies for Karga,” you tell him, not letting him get too lost trying to recall something that no longer poses an issue.  “I took care of it.  You need rest, I only woke you up to make sure you drink some water, so please—” you blindly reach your hand out for the canteen you know has to be around here somewhere, but all you feel is…

His.  Catching yours.

“Y-You took c-c-care of…”  His hands are trembling harder than his voice.  “Sh-shit, I’m freezing, I—”

“Drink some water,” you tell him, squeezing his fingers.  “I’ll go turn off the light so you can sleep more, but you need water.”

His hand feels like it doesn’t quite want to let go of yours yet, but eventually it does and you hear the sloshing of water as the metal flask is picked up with an unsteady grip.  Purposefully turning your back to him and making sure he’s not in your line of sight whatsoever, you finally let your hand drop and blink your eyes open at the wall across the hull.  You hear Din shakily unscrew the lid while you stand up and find the light switch, before turning around in the pitch blackness and using his loud gulps as your guide back.

Your hands and knees are barely on the blanket when you hear him toss the empty canteen to the side and grab you, pulling you down to him.  

Fuck, you’re not expecting it.  You fumble in the dark but he doesn’t really give your clumsiness much of a choice—Din pulls you under the blankets like he needs you, his body craving that warmth even though his skin doesn’t feel cold at all.  He hooks a strong forearm around your tummy, keeping your back pressed tight to his chest while the rest of him curls to fit every part of you, and you have to adjust the blankets yourself.

It’s not even a few seconds after you settle into position when his trembling hands jerk down to grab your shirt and yank it up.  You quickly scramble to help him get you as naked as he is, feeling his palms drag greedily across the heat of your tummy and breasts before you’ve even finished wiggling the fabric over your head.  The shirt lands somewhere in the darkness and you’re squeezed back against him, your hands landing on his forearms as they wrap around your waist and he clings shamelessly to you.

“You…”  Din’s body still shivers every once in a while but the heat and closeness allows his voice to even out just a bit.  He clears his throat and swallows, tucking his head and burying his face in your hair before trying again.  “You brought back the qu-quarry?”

“Yes,” you confirm, confident in your reassurance but gentle at the same time.  “It’s in carbonite.”

All you can feel or hear in response is his breathing.  His heart beating steady and strong against your back.

And then Din’s arms suddenly squeeze you tight—tight.  He lets out a low shaky exhale against the back of your shoulder and presses his lips to your skin.  “Sweet girl.”

And he says just… so much with those two words.  Slow and purposeful, the steadiest thing you’ve heard from him in hours.  But the two biggest competing emotions you hear tugging at his vocal cords are gratitude and apprehension.  Like he already knows that it couldn’t have been easy for you.  Like he’s not taking it lightly.

You don’t want to talk about it.  You don’t want to talk about anything that happened in the past few hours, not right now.  “It’s okay.  Please.”

This time his silence seems to be on the brink, as if he wants to say more but the extra plea you put on the end makes him hold onto his words, at least for now.  

“How d-did you find me?”  He asks instead, scooting his legs up enough that yours actually go with him.  Cradled in his naked body, radiating heat so he can recover, pressed so close to him that you feel like gravity itself would be pushing you into his lap if the world weren’t sideways.

“The kid,” you tell him.  “We were goofing around outside and he dragged me ov—”

It’s like he’s still so cold that even just the surprise of hearing you say that makes his whole body lock down and convulse a few times against your back.  “You were wh-what?”

“I was practicing,” you openly admit to him, feeling like the earlier events already occurred a lifetime ago and you have no reason for being shy about it anymore.  In fact, you’re glad you were there, being terrible at shooting.  The alternative is unthinkable.  Though, something tells you also improbable, having a little supernatural sidekick who cares so deeply for him.  “I raided your armory.  We weren’t outside for more than five minutes before I wanted to go back in, but then he found you.”

And you think he’s going to get after you, for some reason.  Seems about on par, you figure—going outside for even just a few minutes on a planet whose name you now remember is colloquial slang for hell, even if it’s the only reason he’s not an icicle right now.

But he’s just quiet.  Breathing.  So you just relax into him, thinking that’s the end of it.  You take a few deep breaths in through your nose and just… rest.  In the near perfect silence of hyperspace you used to find haunting, but now only find comfort in.  It reminds you of him.

“Did you hit the target?”  He asks you quietly, and at first you scoff, about to ask if he’s kidding.  No, of course you didn’t hit the…

Only, after a remarkable delay, hearing him phrase it that way suddenly makes your stomach decide to drop and do a fucking somersault on the ground out of absolutely nowhere.

Everything comes flooding back.  The conflict you used to think was the most pressing thing, the one that kept you awake and your thoughts scrambled for hours.  It feels like it was ages ago.  An entire lifetime has passed since that happened, you might’ve forgotten it altogether if he didn’t decide to ask that very simple question in a very specific way.

“I…” you mumble in response, your heart suddenly pounding.  “Not… not yet.”

Okay, that’s a good answer.  It’s the truth and you’re giving nothing away by saying that.  So now what is he going to say?  What is he going to say?  You spoke your piece, it’s his turn now, that’s how conversations work.  Well typically, that’s how conversations work—but with Din… you probably should’ve known.

He falls back into silence almost immediately, appearing to accept your answer just the way it is without anything else to add.  You feel his heart continue to beat strong against your back, but there’s something too tense about his stillness that doesn’t imply he’s relaxing anymore.  His body goes slightly taut, but not from the lingering chill in his bones.

He’s going to make you ask him, you realize.  He’s waiting until you confront him about his choice in words at the shooting range.  Which means he wasn’t just joking around.  He wasn’t just messing with you.

“Din…” you whisper uncertainly, and his face suddenly finds its way into the crook of your neck as soon as the word leaves your mouth, arms tightening up around you.  You spent forever trying to find the words to even bring this up, and here he is, already knowing exactly what you’re asking just by the tone of your voice.  Still, you ask anyway, sounding small and so unsure of yourself in the darkness.  “Why did you say that?  On Tatooine, why did you…”

Din’s chest expands against your back with a long, slow breath, and then he lets it out against your neck, hot enough to raise goosebumps all over your body.

“I… don’t know,” he admits, voice muffled and quiet, but it’s not… casual.  Not like he’s brushing you off or indicating he doesn’t want to talk about it, but like it’s actually a complete fucking mystery to him, just as much as it is to you.  “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know…” you repeat slowly.

“You had said something,” he mutters, shifting just a bit behind you.  His palm slides up your bare tummy, stopping in the warm spot just under the swell of your breast.  “Earlier that day.  I thought about it, and then I just… s-said it.”

You?  Said something that made him ask that?

“What?”  You blurt out, genuinely startled and having no fucking clue.  “What did I say?”

“Something about…”  He gives the smallest shudder from behind you, and you don’t actually know if this one is from the cold.  “Not wanting anyone else to know me the way you do.”

Your heart rapidly kicks up and you flush, hating how unbelievably possessive your own words sound coming out of his mouth.  “Oh shit, I… I didn’t mean for that to be… that sounds so bad, Din, I swear I didn’t mean for it to—”

He cuts you off by clutching you tighter, burying his face deeper into your neck and breathing out shakily.  “Tell me you meant every word.”

You blink a couple of times in the pitch black before sighing, letting go of any charade or front you think about putting up for him to save some dignity.  “I meant it.”

Because it’s the truth.  You said it when you were caught off guard, throwing it out to him along with other mindless drabble that came from a place that was very real.  You don’t like the way you phrased it, but you meant it.  You do mean it.  Every word.

If there weren't so many things still left unsaid right now, you might actually worry he fell asleep on you.  Din loosens up considerably after you admit it, letting go of more tightness you didn’t even know was inside him.  His head slowly drops from the crook of your neck to the back of it and he breathes hot air on your nape, quiet for a long time.

And, you suppose you’d actually be okay with it if that was the end of the conversation.  There are, of course, millions of things left to ask.  But he doesn’t know the answers, just as much as you’re left clueless about the questions.  You’re not expecting him to elaborate anymore, and if he’s waiting for you to ask, he’ll be waiting a long time.  Soon your eyes close and you almost feel yourself beginning to drift.  It’s been such a rough day today and to just be here in his arms, it’s more than enough for you.  

But then his low baritone comes through the darkness.

“In Mando’a,” Din’s voice suddenly whispers against your skin, “the verb, kar’taylir… it means to know.  Su kar’tayli, you know, kaysh kar’tayli, they know.  Ni ke kar’tayl nu… I don’t know.”

Your eyes pop open and you immediately forget all about sleep, wide awake and suddenly hanging onto every word as it rolls so gently off his tongue.  You’ve never heard the language spoken aloud, you’ve never heard anything about the Mandalorians directly from one before.  All of the stories seem sensationalized, passed down by word of mouth and chipping away at the kernel of truth until it disappears completely.

“The language is dying,” Din continues, murmuring soft and gentle along your nape.  “By the time I learned it, too many words had been lost.  The ones left were the ones that were needed.”

“What do you mean?”  You whisper, almost afraid of breaking the quiet.  Not wanting him to feel distracted or pressed, but needing to express your curiosity lest you somehow overflow with it.

“There are only three pronouns,” he answers slowly, and you’re already fucking fascinated.  “Ni, for I or we.  Su is you or you all, and kaysh is third person.  Subjective, objective, possessive, singular, plural—doesn’t matter.  Three words, for every individual or collective in the entire galaxy.”

You blink in the darkness, your logic telling you that it sounds so simple it’d become confusing and then your logic also telling you that doesn’t actually make any fucking sense at all.  If that’s true, it’s unbelievable.  How do they differentiate?  Just context?

“How do you distinguish?”  You ask him.  Admittedly, you don’t know much about linguistics—not anywhere near the extent he does, but it seems so counterintuitive.  I can’t be the same word for we, the amount of misunderstandings would be a nightmare.

“We… don’t need to,” he explains to you, slowly, like nobody has ever asked him these things before and so he’s unsure how to phrase it.  “Individuality isn’t valued, it’s not a concept.”

And… you almost can’t wrap your head around it.  “What do you mean?”  You ask again, knowing you’re sounding like a broken record without specifying more, but trying with your whole heart to understand.

“I mean… we swear oaths to never reveal our faces,” Din tells you, something you shouldn’t need to be reminded of.  “We abandon our names.  We become… whispers, of the same voice.  There’s not many words in Mando’a with a unique meaning, almost all of them are homonyms.  Interchangeable.  Transient.”

Your eyebrows shoot up, suddenly blown away by the implication.  Almost all of them are homonyms?  How in Maker’s name are you even supposed to communicate at that point?  That’s… unthinkable.

“Most words have two meanings?”  You clarify, wanting to be absolutely sure you’re getting it right.

“Most have five or six,” he returns, and you’re downright shocked now.  “Everything just depends.”

“Stars…”  You breathe, moving a palm up the length of his forearm and holding the back of his hand with it.  Fuck, you hope this is the direction he’s intending instead of veering him off course, but you’re incredibly invested.  “What else does, uh… kay—er, kar… kar’taylir mean?”

Din lets out a slow breath from behind you, and you can… you can feel his own heart beating faster when it presses up against your spine at the apex of his inhale.  “It’s… a rare word, it only has two meanings.”

You bite your lip and start to feel butterflies in your stomach for some reason.  Slowly, his hand begins to travel up your breast and then to your sternum before heading just the slightest bit left, and your own hand moves with him.

“To know,” Din says quietly, “but also… to care very deeply for.”  He doesn’t stop until his palm presses right above the rapidly pounding organ in your chest.  “To hold in the heart.”

“To know,” you swallow thickly, curling your fingers around his hand and praying he’s saying what you think he is, “or… to love?”

“When Mandalorian’s take vows, there’s no ceremony,” he whispers into the back of your neck.  “No witnesses, no celebrations.  We just take our helmets off in front of the other and look.  It doesn’t sound like much, but… our secrecy is our survival.  Letting someone see our face and swearing lifelong devotion to them, it’s the same thing.  To know is to love.”

Your eyes close tight and your lungs empty themselves, too full of emotion to even fit oxygen inside you anymore.  Din’s lips press feather soft behind your neck, and now you’re the one shivering uncontrollably.  The move up and trail along your neck in the darkness.

“Ni kar'tayl su,” he murmurs, shifting back just slightly and pulling at your shoulder.  “I know you.”

You go with him, facing the ceiling as he fits his head under your throat and places slow, open mouth kisses down the curve of it.

“Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum,” he goes on quietly, his voice starting to sound raspy again, dragging his hand down your torso while his lips brush your collarbone.  “For an eternity, I’ll know you.”

Water wets the corners of your lashes and you inhale three or four times before exhaling, shallow hiccups and desperate for air.

“Ni ke vaabi nu kaysh ke kar’taylir su te ni kar’tayl su.”  Din says, slowly moving his mouth back up when your fingers tangle in his hair and beg him to come that way.  The words dance along your skin as he whispers them, forever searing themselves into your memory.  You can’t see them, you’ll never have a visual to reminisce upon, but you’ll know how they felt.  Right under your ear, brimming with quiet devotion.  “I don’t want anyone else to know you… the way I know you.”

Your face goes blazing hot at the sound of him translating your own rushed and half-assed sentence into something gorgeous and flowing, something that sounds so much more beautiful than when you blurted it out earlier.  You told him you loved him in that hangar, right to his face.  Unashamed and stupid about it, but meaning it with every part of your body.

“I knew you’d say no,” he finally admits, staying in this one spot.  Unmoving.  Telling you the truth, allowing you to know it.  “I just wanted to… say it.”

That… that makes sense to you.  The last part does, at least, it makes so much sense to you.  The first time you said you loved him, you said it just to say it.  You wanted to feel the words, sound them out even if neither one of you could hear them.  It felt freeing, like coming to accept a universal truth.

The first part, though.  You’re still behind.  “You knew I’d say no?”  You ask him, feeling him ease back just slightly.  Staring down at you through the pitch black, even if he can’t see either.  Keeping his palm over your heart as the ship hurdles through nowhere and everywhere at once.

“You wouldn’t take my first name without convincing,” he reasons quietly, and then moves back to lay in the blankets once more, leaving the rest unspoken.

But he’s… oh stars, he’s so right.  If he’s going to take his helmet off and let you see his face—if he’s going to commit to you that way, it is not going to be because you shoot a blaster correctly.  Not after today, not after what he’s told you.

So you move up to your elbow and turn to face him, trying to let him know why even if he’s already guessed the what correctly.

“I want it to mean something,” you say after a moment.  “I want it to… have the meaning it’s supposed to have.”

Your palm finds its way to his chest in the silence following.  Right over the beating of his heart, feeling it thrum hard and rhythmic while he considers his response.

“This is The Way,” Din finally murmurs, settling his hand over yours, and you repeat the words back to him.  Respecting them.  Feeling like, for the very first time, they now apply to you in some way instead of belonging to some mysterious creed you’ll never know anything about.

But when a shudder subtly rockets up and down his body, you realize the blankets have been pulled down with the changing positions and his whole torso is bare and exposed to the hull.  So you pull them up until you’re both covered again, before you lean down and press a soft kiss to his shoulder.

Din shudders again when your mouth opens and the hot glide of your tongue catches his skin, but you know it’s not from the cold this time.  His breathing deepens while you slowly move over him.  You ease him further on his back and let him keep feeling the warmth of your mouth on his body, alleviate the lingering chill by sucking gentle hickeys into his skin and feeling the goosebumps raise under your tongue.  He moves with you; he stretches his neck when you want to nibble his collarbone, arches when you mouth down his chest, shifts his elbow to let you drag your tongue along his ribcage.

And… and it’s as if all the stars and systems hold even more still for you than the relative physics of faster-than-light travel can explain away by themselves.  You’ve always felt timeless in here, living from one fleeting eternity to the next, suspended in perpetuity while the rest of the galaxy ages without you.  But when you’re with him and it’s pitch black and there’s no light to streak across your vision, no evidence that time and space have all but disconnected from each other just to let your insignificant little bodies through… it’s like you’re meant to be here.  In some strange, unexplainable way, you feel like you could’ve died out there with him in the frozen wasteland today and this is exactly where you’d still end up, no matter what.

To know is to love.

“Do you have brown eyes?”  You hear yourself whisper under his jaw, and you feel Din’s fingers thread in your hair and ease you up enough to brush his lips against your chin.

“Yes,” he whispers back, and then his mouth is on yours.

[maadorii]

Hinata + Hispanic s/o 

max.note’s: tbh, i don’t see much hispanic/latino reader headcanons or scenarios written on here, or anywhere really. so today, we are going to change that >:))) i’m not caught up in the manga but i know the time skip spoilers sooo hinata having s/o thats hispanic/latino just makes sense to me. it’s canon. translations available at the end! 

warnings/tags: fluff!!

part two

to be honest, i don’t think hinata ever expected to date someone outside his own race. not that he was against it, but when you live in a very homogeneous country like japan–– especially in a small town, it’s kinda hard to find somebody. until you came. you both met in your third year of high school. you were the new foreign exchange student that everyone was talking about. hell, it was the highlight of practice last week. 

- “hey, have you guys heard of the new foreign exchange coming?” it was tsukishima who brought up conversation amongst the third years. hinata looked up in interest, sipping from his water bottle. “really? where did you hear that?” kageyama asked, wiping the sweat off his brow. “from some other third years, i heard their... hispanic? i think.” 

- “hispanic? like, they speak spanish and stuff?”

- “i guess so,” tsukishima snapped.

- but when he saw you up close for the first time, you were a lot different then he imagine. but it was good different. your mannerism were different from what he was used to. you were loud, you were bright. you had this sort of... vibe, and it made your body flow like running water. not rigid and tight. and you were beautiful.

- it took him about a month before he finally was able to approach you (he spent that month learning basic spanish so he could speak to you.) it was after class one day when he noticed you were all alone at your desk, finishing writing down the notes for class. this was his moment. with his heart pounding against his ribcage, sweat beading at his brow, he took the on small sept and walked up to you. when you noticed him approaching you, you couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit seeing how his body was literally trembling like a leaf in the wind. he pulled out a pocket journal, flipping through a few pages before he landed on the desired one. clearing his throat, “¡h-hola, soy shouyou hinata! ¿cómo está?” (1) his voice was shaky when he spoke to you but your couldn’t help but flutter at the attempt he took to speak to you in your language.

- your smile with filled with warmth you responded, “¡hola hinata, soy (y/n) (l/n)! estoy muy bein. (2) but you don’t have to go out of your way to speak spanish to me.” you guys hit it off really quick after that fateful meeting. so much so, that hinata began spending his lunches with you instead of his other friends *cough* kageyama *cough* “woah! (y/n), what is that? it smells really good.” he exclaimed, taking a sniff of your food. “it’s a tamale, want to try some?” and it was from that moment on, he literally begs you to bring him something for lunch. seriously couldn’t get enough of your food.

- after weeks of hanging out and getting to know each other, he finally asked you out, officially. and he does it SPANISH, as he should. “¿(y/n)...  me dejarás ser tu novio? por favor?” (3) how could you say no to that?

- surprisingly, he didn’t tell anyone right away. i think majority of people would think he’ll flaunt his relationships the moment the happen but i don’t think so. despite his very social nature, he’s a private man so he’ll just want it to keep it between the two of you in the beginning. and he was good at hiding it for a while from everyone. but eventually, the team catches on to hinata’s secretive behavior. “hey hinata, you’ve been acting... weird lately. is there anything going on?” yachi asked as she handed him his water bottle during their water break. hinata started to sweat even more so then he already was at the question, his tentative eyes nervously shifting around the gym. 

- “uhhh i have no idea what you’re talking about!” hinata laughed suspiciously, his hand coming up to rub the back of his. tsukishima perked an eyebrow, analyzing the orange head and his sudden coy behavior. everyones eyes were on him. “come on hinata, spit it out already!” kageyama growled, towering over the other male. “i- i- uh... i really––” the gym doors creaked opened to reveal you, no longer wearing your uniform but wearing some of your more casual clothing, holding a little wrapped bento box in your hand. hinata head whipped in your direction, trying to decided whether or not he should let his heart soar or sink. 

- “hey shouyou! i brought you some food for just incase you were hungry after practice, which most likely you will. mi gordito.” (4) you gushed, your hand reaching up to squish his cheek. the whole team stood in shock, watching the interaction between you two; both rosy cheeked and giggles. the whistle was blown, indicating break was over. quickly, you placed a kiss on his budding cheek, “te quiero mucho, mi corazón.” (5) “te quiero mucho tambíen, mi alma.” (6) hinata whispered back. you smiled shyly before briskly taking your leave out the door. 

- the gym was dead silent before all hell broke lose.

- “HUH! YOU’RE DATING THE FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT!?”

- “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GOING OUT!?!”

- “SINCE WHEN WERE YOU ABLE TO SPEAK SPANISH, DUMBASS!”

- hinata trembled where he stood as everyone bombarded him with questions. kageyama threw himself at hinata, gripping on his shirt. “how did you–– your googly-eyed self of all people, get a s/o! especially before me!” the taller of the two yelled as manhandled the other, practically shaking him to death. 

- “KAGEYAMA! stop it, you’re gonna make me drop the wonderful food (y/n) gave me!”

(1) hello, my name is shouyou hinata! how are you?

(2) hello hinata, i’m (y/n) (l/n). i’m am very well

(3) (y/n)... will you let me be your boyfriend? please?

(4) my cubby one or little fatty (endearingly) 

(5) i love you lots, my heart.

copyright © 2020 maadorii. all rights reserved.

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[the-amaryka]

Unpopular Opinion:  I enjoyed season 8

So first, I’m mostly doing this to sort out my own feelings, but I DO think there are some things worth considering here.

To be clear, Enjoying something and thinking that something was perfect are different.  I enjoy plenty of things that are garbage and I do think this season had it’s fair share of flaws, but it’s not nearly as awful as some of ya’ll are ripping into it over.  In addition, regardless of if it is bad or not harassment of the creators is never justified.  EVER.  So if you feel the need to take out your frustrations on the cast/crew stop what you are doing then DON’T.

Sorry in advance if you’re on mobile cuz this is a long one under the read more.

Why I was able to enjoy it:

Three major things I always keep in mind going into a new season:

1.  Don’t watch it FOR the ship, enjoy the show for what it is.  I think the primary thing that has allowed me to enjoy each season is I try to watch it without shipping goggles.  At the end of the day, shipping is fun but it is for fandom and not the reason I’m watching the show, especially a show made for 7 year old boys.  

2.  I (along with most of the fandom on this website) am not the target audience for this show.  Voltron may be an abnormally good kids show, but it is still a kids show.  I have never walked into a season thinking that it is content made for me, and the things that are important to me just aren’t important enough to 7 year olds to have the time I want spent on them.  I have to be okay with that because as much as I would love to have a whole episode of Shiro really struggling with what it means to be a leader, and the weight of Adam’s sacrifice, the 7 year old this show was made for is going to be bored shitless and decide “I don’t want that Voltron toy for my birthday after all.”  So yeah, that is going to change the choices the crew makes when they create these episodes.

3.  This is a reboot.  Several different companies have BIG stakes in Voltron.  Things like LGBT rep are only going to go as far as ONE important old white man who thinks (insert your fave here) is straight.  Anybody who has followed me for more than 3 seconds knows I ship Sheith, but knowing how the entertainment industry works changed how I thought the direction of the series was going from day one.  If it was so hard for them to get even ambiguous ‘Takashi, how much do I mean to you’ when both Shiro and Adam are legally original characters, there is NO WAY the powers that be will allow them to gay up big names in the franchise like Keith or Lance.  For that reason I never expected a canon gay relationship between any of the main characters.  No Sheith, no Klance, no Pallura, no Hance.  I do believe it was important to the creators and they did they absolute best with what they had, but ultimately it was not their decision and a lot of ya’ll need to stop acting like you are performing some kind of holy service by harassing them about it.  They did their jobs as best they could and the fandom was pressuring them the whole time to make promises they didn’t know if they could keep.

For these reasons I was able to enjoy the new season for what it was: a reboot aimed toward children that I shouldn’t expect a primary romantic plot out of.  And honestly?  Thats what I got.  The only big romantic plot revolved around Lance and Allura and even that was only a handful of scenes.  I think the main problem with this fandom has always been people putting unrealistic expectations on a show that wasn’t aimed at them.  Why people chose to put all of their expectation eggs in the Voltron basket specifically is beyond me, and frankly a bit unfair to the people who made it.  But we don’t have to get into that right now.

Things that I enjoyed:

1.  Hunk is best boy.  I loved his and Lance's friendship shining through and when he turned into team mom.  Some highlight include:  “It’s happening tonight, young man!” “I’m sorry I yelled at you.  I’ll make you dog treats later.”  When he made that Altean dessert because he is so sweet and knows how to bring people together.  What a star, what a diplomat, what a fine, fine man. 2.  BaBy LoToR 3.  Seeing all the paladins in their under armor.  I would feel robbed because Shiro was left out but the entire series has been Shiro fan service so I’m not even mad. 4.  VERONICA AND AXCA BONDING?  NICE.  Didn’t expect to ship them?  I do.  Nice. 5.  Everything about Day Fourty-Seven.  A filler episode I genuinely enjoyed.  MY only wish is we could have gotten Keith and Krolia in an interview together and she went out of her way to embarrass him like “while we were in the Quantum Abyss-” “Mom, why are you doing this to me?” “I have 20 years of Mothering to catch up on, young man.” 6.  Shiro feeling like a bad ass and looking cool during the arm wrestling competition.  What a good. 7.  This was really Allura’s season, wow, what a queen. 8.  Keith giving Lance a bunch of pep talks and opening up to become not only a good leader but a good friend. 9.  Keith YELLING at the Zarkon mech because he had leadership responsibility feels. 10.  I did not expect to have FEELINGS over seeing young Zarkon. 11.  Honerva’s motivations were honestly....so honest.  So realistically human, you know?  It seems so fitting that this whole thing began with a rift into another reality, and a broken family.  And it ended with a rift into another reality, and that family finally being able to be at peace.  That is the theme that has been following us form the beginning: family.  And even the final villain just wanted to fix the damage that had been done to hers.  Though I do feel like her turnaround was a little quick, I can forgive it for kinds show reasons. 12.  Allura getting to hug Alfor again. 13.  Lance getting the stamp of approval from the dad. 14.  Speaking of which, even I thought the Allurance scenes were pretty cute despite not being a huge fan of the ship. 15.  The character development that is evident.  If you compare all these characters to who they were in E1S1 they are all vastly different.  The only exception to this is Coran, though I do feel like Allura’s is mostly internal and she has a way of conducting herself that can make it difficult to perceive. 16.  I am VERY SAD about Allura dying...but you know what?  I think this ending actually suited her.  I don’t think she would be satisfied withotu making a grand reality wide sacrifice.  She restored Altea, and returned into the fabric of space-time itself with her family.  This has been being foreshadowed since Season 1 to be honest.  She is always taking risks and wanting to keep moving and bettering things.  She is perfect and we don’t deserve her and in my heart she is the goddess of reality itself. 17.  The scene where the lions all came to life and flew away, and then that lovely art of them going into the rift.  I really think they went back to Allura, and the next time the Universe needs Voltron, it will be her spirit leading the way.  And honestly?  I don’t think she would want it any other way. 18.  The MFE Pilots grew on me... 19.  MMMMMBIG ROBOT PRETTY 20.  We got Shiro and the rest of the paladins piloting all together again. 21.  ALMOST Galra Emperor Keith.

The things I didn’t think were great:

1.  What the fuck happened to Ezor’s voice?  She only said one word and I thought she was dying? 2.  Keith and Shiro like...didn’t even talk.  And even without shipping goggles that just seems wrong to me.  Their bond has been one of the points the story has turned on.  We got all the build up but none of the payoff.  No shoulder touches, no ‘I’m proud of you, Keith’, none of the usual friendship or dynamic they usually have with each other.  It felt kind of empty honestly :(  And whats more is...Keith has been sacrificing and fighting and loving Shiro for 7 seasons now, and Shiro never got to repay him.  Like he wasn’t in his hospital room when he woke up and nobody can fucking tell me when Shiro said “spend time with the people you love” Keith wouldn’t be spending time with Shiro.  It just....feels so dissatisfying to see one of the major emotional bonds in the show not even be acknowledged in the end.  It makes everything Keith worked for feel...not...there.  Like what did all that mean in the end?  As many times as it takes but he gives and gives and gives and the only one who returns what he gives is Krolia.  It used to be Shiro returned it too, but now...  Even without it being romantic, their relationship was done a dirty.  I didn’t need canon Sheith I just needed some kind of acknowledgement that all the suffering they endured was worth it.  I wanted to see them happy. 3.  Despite what I said above I am sad Allura is gone. 4.  Shiro was hardly in the season at all actually :((((((((((((((((((( 5.  Yeah, as cute as the scenes were I’ve never felt Allura and Lance have a chemistry that makes their relationship sit well with me.  But I guess it was necessary to show how Lance has matured as a person.  I always thought they have the POTENTIAL for chemistry but it’s always fallen short for me.  Allura just takes her life too seriously and her walls never actually came down enough for me to see a connection there. 6.  James and Keith never like...talked?  I would have liked for them to have had a reconciliation like Keith and Lance did. 7.  Lack of Krolia. 8.  Something was off about Kolivan’s voice 9.  TBH, I feel like The real fulfillment for Keith’s arc would have been his teammates encouraging and lifting him up as well.  Display his emotional availability which was completely closed off at the start.  I feel like they may have just dropped the ball on a couple of character’s arc resolution but...eh.  You gotta pick and choose what to focus on when you have an ensemble cast, and 7 year olds just aren’t always interested in that. 10.  Woulda been nice to get a bit more detail on the nature of the rift creatures and some more clarity for a through line from the beginning thousands of Years ago to now.  Along with that exactly what kind of entity IS Voltron itself?  A lot of seeds planted that made a half attempt at being resolved but weren’t quite clear enough to create something cohesive. 11.  I can’t put my finger on why but overall it just feels...Incomplete.  Like there is still a pit in my stomach that doesn’t feel satisfied by the ending.  I’m not sure how much of that is the season itself, and how much is I’ve been involved in this show for nearly 2 years and it’s hard to let go, especially on something that doesn’t quite feel like going out with a bang.

Highly unpopular opinion in my neck of the woods:

That wedding at the end?  I’m happy about it.  Do I think its bad writing to marry off one of your main five to a rando we don’t even know the name of?  Yes.  Am I annoyed that the fandom was SO awful and so accusatory toward the showrunners they felt the need to shoehorn in a last minute wedding because they honestly felt bad when the truth is this has always been a glorified ship war?  MEGA YES.  They shouldn’t have felt like they had to make this bad writing decision on the behalf of fans who have treated them and their efforts like shit.  Shame on the people who treated them this way.  They tried so FUCKING hard to give us something and ya’ll threw it away and called them evil.  I get how you feel but damn why don’t YOU try to make social change happen in the entertainment industry and see how well your LGBT paradise vision goes over when there are dozens of other people with a say.  (I could go on about how poorly that was handled on both ends, but that is another point altogether.)

More than anything, I’m happy that some 7 year old kid who LOVES the badass Captain Takashi Shirogane is going to see him get married on screen and kiss a MAN.  Like holy shit, that is HUGE.  Do I think it could have been written better?  Absolutely.  But This show wasn’t made for me it was made for the 7 year kid out there is going to think “Shiro kissed a boy, maybe I’m not weird for wanting to kiss boys” and THAT is what Representation in children’s media is all about.  I’m going to celebrate this and everything else related to Shiro’s LGBT status because what matters to me way more than ships or satisfying romantic arcs is maybe when my little nephew sees his favorite character is gay he will be a little more open and comfortable when I bring my girlfriend to family dinner.

I think it would do the fandom (especially the Sheith shippers) some good to step back, take off their shipping goggles, and recognize this for the stride in Children’s media that it is. That being said I’m gonna be reading and writing the fix-it fics along with the rest of you, because fandom and how I enjoy the show can be whatever I want.

The conclusion and why I still love Voltron:

You know what?  Yes I felt a little let down by the writing, but Voltron is one of the first fandoms I’ve been so involved in and I have had such wonderful experiences while enjoying this show.  I’m never going to let some dissatisfaction ruin this for me.  The nice thing about fandom, is I can enjoy my version of the show however I want it, and it doesn’t have to effect how I feel about canon at all.  And when I take off my fandom goggles, this season was actually pretty enjoyable.

I encourage anybody who has enjoyed the show up to this point to put your bitterness aside and do what you’ve been doing from the start.  Create some content, consume some content, ship what you want, and don’t you dare let anybody ruin this for you.  You have good memories with this show, keep them good and move froward.

Peace out my dudes, I’m gonna be hanging out in Sheith hell for at least another 6 months.

It was an honor flying with you all.

[kapitan-rusakov]

Black Sails: The Best Representation?

Black Sails got just about everything right about the filthy, primitive, hostile, disease-ridden world pirates lived in. You know the best thing they did though? The presence of homosexuality. Most Tumblr users (and far left folks tbh, not being used as an insult just a fact) LOVE to make pirate havens a homoerotic cesspool as if it was extremely widespread as it is today. Allow me to clarify that IM NOT A RELUBLICAN, I HAVE NO ISSUE WITH HOMOSEXUALITY AND SUPPORTED GAY MARRIAGE DESPITE MY CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING AND TO THIS DAY BELIEVE IN EQUALITY FOR EVERYBODY NO MATTER THE SKIN COLOR, GENDER IDENTITY, OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION/PREFERENCE. BEFORE YALL START PUKING ON YOUR KEYBOARDS FINISH THIS ANALYSIS. While it DID exist, and it certainly more common than it was in the Old World (Europe), it wasn’t as widespread as people with an agenda would make it seem. While men did spend months or years exclusively around other men on cramped vessels, these weren’t the Spartans who were sexually open and enlightened through education and the arts, they were rough, scraggly, dirty, greedy men in search of gold, jewels, tobacco, sugar, and booty (of both varieties). Brothels made quite a bit of money and predominantly catered to the needs of straight men, because they were the majority. Now, I’m not saying it didn’t exist. We have plenty of sources that confirmed it happened with more frequency than in Europe, because the New World was where the Empires sent undesirables to shut them up and get them away from thier immeculate, perfectly curled, powdered hair. HOWEVER. If you are writing a pirate novel or comic, GO CRAZY! You want lesbian pirates? DO IT. You want a ship full of lesbian pirates? FUCK YEAH. You want a haven filled with gay men who raid, pillage, Plunder, and then come back and have a massive party that would make your catholic grandmother faint? LETS DO THIS!!!! Using the period to build a fantasy world is totally okay! THATS WHY ITS CALLED FANTASY. Use it for representation and challenge how we view characters! Just don’t act like it’s historically based. Have fun y’all!

PS: I do have tons of sources, but the effort of putting 25-50 citations and book names sounds like torture. This period is my passion and I’ve spent years doing independent research on it. Have fun guys!

[seungmin-jpeg]

Stray Kids On Tumblr / Felix

Chan // Woojin // Minho // Changbin // Hyunjin // Jisung // Felix // Seungmin // Jeongin

I have waited a long time to write this one 

Half the reason i started this series was to write for him tbh

Anyways

Started his blog long before he became a trainee 

But A LOT of effort into it

Spent hours looking for the perfect desktop theme

Then spent a day working on it to make it have is own little ‘felix flare’ 

And then spent hoooooours working on his mobile header

Naturally very proud of his blog

Works really hard to make good posts

Majority is just memes 

Or recreations of memes

Reblogs a lot of old vines

He’s the type of blog to get all those weird random asks from people

And he always has witty comebacks

So sometimes his posts will blow up

He just has that typical tumblr humor 

And it really made his blog blow up

Ends up having one famous post with like 100k reblogs and is still growing and he still thinks its the dumbest posts he’s made his whole life

But thats tumblr for you

Sometimes he’d be working on a big post 

And then tumblr would do that dumb thing 

Where it freezes on you and you cant post things

The amounts of times his family heard him yelling from up in his room as tumblr crashed on him yet again

anyways

Honestly wasn’t super aware of kpop 

But like 

Of course he knew about it

And then he made it through the audition 

And he was like oh hey

I kinda gotta figure out whats going on here

So he 

Like the smart person he is

Searches through the tumblr tag

And oh yikes

The majority of the tag was bts and got7

And he was like 

Sweet

And then staff at the company told him watching kdramas will always help him learn korean

So 

Because of this extreme change in his life 

And the need to learn the language as fast as possible

He searches for some good kdramas to watch

So again he turns to tumblr

And he finds some good recommendations 

But he cant reblog it to his main blog 

Because ??? he cant expose himself like this to all he’s meme followers

So he real quick makes a side blog for all his kpop/kdrama needs

And reblogs a few kdrama recommendations 

And a few kpop song recommendations as well

But he’s only find rec’s for all those old classic kdramas 

Like playful kiss and boys over flowers 

Not really his speed yah know

So thats when he stumbles across your blog 

He had just found one of your posts about kdramas 

And he real quick messages you on anon and was like hey have any recs

And you were like YES!!!1!!1!

So you gave him a good list

Grouping them by themes and such 

And then highlighted some of your favorites 

He ended up being drawn to one title 

“Uncontrollably fond” 

And you had mentioned that it was really sad

So he googled it to try and see what it was about

And when you google it one of the first things it says about the drama is 

“A man and woman meet again after they broke up in the past.”

So he was like alright that one it is

Catch him later trying to find out who wrote that description because there was so much more to that drama

He literally could not put it down

Lowkey forgot half way through he was supposed to be trying to learn korean

Watched an episode every night before bed

Because yah know he was packing and stuff

Part of it helped with the stress of leaving his home and such

The other part was just because it was super addicting to watch

Of course he had to take a small break of watching it just because life got to hectic with packing and everything

But he had an overlay on the way to korea

So he watched the drama at the airport

Catch this teenage boy trying not to cry in the airport omg

As he sat in the airport he was like

I gotta talk to someone about this

So he searched up your blog again and left an ask

And because you’re always on tumblr you got it right away. 

“Im sitting in the airport on the verge of tears because of uncontrollably fond why’d you recommend this to me” 

You chuckled to yourself as you read his ask

“I told you it’d be sad!” you finally decided to answer

You had totally forgotten about the person who had asked for recs

It was nice to see them again

The two of you talked back and forth for a bit

And then you got a message 

“I got tired of leaving asks so i’m just going to message you now. A lot easier.” 

You asked him when his flight was, and how much of the show you had left

And he was like 

Not enough time 

He was to invested now

You recommended maybe waiting to watch the last few episodes until he was alone and had a box of tissues

Earning a laugh from him

Like the curious person you are

You asked him where he was going 

And he just kinda said korea and then asked about the soundtrack to the drama

So you didn’t push anymore

Because it seemed like something he didn’t really want to talk about 

So inteast you talked about the soundtrack

Found out he really really liked the song “a little braver”

So you listened to the song while you talked with him

While you waited for him to get back to you

You scrolled through his blog

It was kinda sad looking and had the default theme 

And he had a random mix of kpop and kdrama recs

So you asked him if he was new to the whole kpop/kdrama world

And he was like “kinda” 

Cue you saying if he ever wanted any recs on anything to ask you because you got him

And he just chuckled and said he had to catch his flight, but he’d remember that

And that he’d message you as soon as he finished the drama

Later in the week you got a message from some random meme blog

About uncontrollably fond 

And you were like wtf

Why is this popular weird meme blog messaging me about a kdrama

So you were like um who???

And he was like shoot wrong blog!!

Then switched to his kpop blog

You laughed to yourself thinking about how yet another person had been converted to the dark side

Little did you know

He was PART OF the dark side

You followed his main blog too

Because why not

And the two of you talked a lot 

You found out what a big jokester he was

And just how funny he could be

But that he was also super emotional and wore his feelings on his sleeve

The two of you went from talking about kdramas and random kpop things to little parts of your day

He’d complain to you about learning korean and the language barrier issues he’d always run into

And how tired he was at the end of the day

And you’d tell him about school

And the little things about your country you felt like he would like hearing about 

The two of you never even exchanged names

Just referred to each other as your urls 

Months past

He wasn’t on tumblr as much 

Even his main blog started to stop posting 

Which he always at least had queued up stuff

You’d leave him little encouraging messages every now and then

But he’d always take forever to respond

Instead 

You occupied yourself with the new show jyp was putting out 

Becoming way to invested for your own good 

And getting especially drawn to a certain member named felix

Something felt familiar about him

And you felt really drawn to him

But you just assumed it was because of his personality 

And the fact that he could speak english 

Then the dreaded day came 

Felix was eliminated 

And you felt like the world had swallowed all your joy

You decided to message your kdrama friend 

Just a simple hey

And he actually responded to your disbelief 

He seemed just as down as you 

So you two just ended up being sad together 

And then you were like 

Isn’t it like 3am there?

He was like yah

You were like ??? go to bed ???

He said he couldn’t fall asleep so you suggested watching a movie

So the two of you headed over to rabb.it

Ended up watching Your Name 

Half way through the movie he ended up asking you why you were so upset

So you told him that your favorite person from a survival show had been eliminated 

And you could see he wasn’t typing anything after you had sent the message off

So you asked him why he was upset

You watched him type something 

Then delete it 

Type it up again 

Then delete it again

It went on for a bit before you little ‘pop’ sounded and his message came in

“I got eliminated off a survival show” it read

And you were ??? 

Do you take this seriously or not ???

So you just kinda said “are you okay”

And he was like maybe

So you asked how he was maybe okay

He replied by saying that it was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn’t in the show itself but also wasn’t family

Youre super confused now because this is felix you’ve been talking too???

When you actually sat back and thought about it 

The timeline all made sense

It would make sense if this was actually felix

The movie now long forgotten played on as you asked him if he was really felix 

And he responded with a funny little smilie face

“I am but you really can’t tell anyone” 

“Felix aren’t you supposed to not be doing this? I thought they took away phones and stuff tho??” 

He explained everything and it all made sense but you were still shook to the core because youre talking with the felix lee right now

But you took the chance to tell him everything every fan wanted to tell him at that moment

You told him how proud you and everyone else was of him

And how people were already working on making sure both him and minho ended up back in stray kids

And by the way he talked you could tell he was happier 

Not much later you were excitedly congratulating him on making it back in

And everything was perfect 

Because the weird person asking you about kdramas

Months and months later ended up being the person you loved the most 

Without even knowing it

The two of you had a special secret friendship that no one knew about

And no one would know about for a long long time

And you were honestly okay with that

[anasianpotato]

30 Days Writing Challenge

I just found this challenge on twitter and, well, i dont really have much things to do soooo here we go!!

DAY 1: its either im way too excited for things or idgaf at all, theres no in between. im socially awkward, especially around new people, but once you get to know me theres no way to stop me from talking! im a lil bit sarcastic and like to throw shades at people ehe and lastly, i love spilled tea but not spilling them #guilty

DAY 2: good music makeeeeeeessss me super happy, like literally it can set my mood for the day. i loveee cute animals, just looking at them makes me happy! and also mini-sized things makes me want to explode from happiness hehehe lastly, hugs and kisses

DAY 3: Bandung, June 22nd 2019. The place, the moment, the person. Everything was soooo perfect. We went to see Phum Viphurit and it was nothing less than amazing. The rough chair, the 8 hr trip, the sunset. We started to grow apart at that time, we both knew it but refused to talk about it. Joji’s Sanctuary just recently came out, he suddenly took out his earphones, plugged it to his phone, offered me the left piece, then he played the song. We were immersed in the song and lyrics and just enjoyed the sunset while sitting on the train.

DAY 4: Greece!!! UK!! Budapest!! Bandung!! Surabaya!! New York!! There are lot of places i want to visit but im in short of money soooooo yup :-) 

DAY 5: They are doing pretty much good as parents. I mean they are not the best but also not the worst. I appreciate everything they’ve done for me and yeah im grateful to have them in my life even tho im not really fond of them, i guess?

DAY 6: Being single comes hand-in-hand with happiness. I mean, its literally the time and the chance for us to learn something new about ourselves. Being single means you are not tied down to do things that you dont want to do. Being single makes you realize that you are the ONLY one person that is responsible for your own happiness. Dont let other people define your happiness!!! lol this literally is something that i write for myself.

DAY 7: Cant pick one. I loveeeeeee romance comedy movies. Cheesy, i know. My favorites are the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 500 days of summer, hes just not that into you, love actually, bridget jones’ diary, music&lyrics. I also love shrek the third, idk why i just love it, watched it hundreds time. The emperor’s new groove also my fav. Ghiblis’ movies are awesome too!! Spirited away, howl’s moving castle, the wind rises, and ocean waves are so so so so goodddd!! Oh and i also love Lalaland, The King’s Speech, theory of everything, the danish girl, and the imitation game.

DAY 8: Music is soooooooooo powerful!!!! I mean it. It really is powerful, well, at least for me. You know that feeling when you just found a really good song that somehow relates to you??? Music makes you feel things. I guess its just how art works? They make you feel things? Oh and also, music is the closest thing to time machine right now. See? Music, well, art in general can transport you!!

DAY 9: Happiness is def something that you need to earn by yourself. You cant just depend your happiness on someone/something else. Happiness is different for everyone, just try to find the meaning of YOUR happiness and go for it. Well, im still struggling to find my own happiness tho but lets just keep trying, shall we?

DAY 10: I dont really have that much of friend tbh but you know what they say, quality over quantity. My best friends are literally the main reason why im still here. They mean the whole world to me.

DAY 11: There’s nothing much to say about my sibling if im being honest. My sister lives in Jkt with her husband and her kids. My brother is autistic. I love my brother to death and will do anything for him. Thats all.

DAY 12: I LOVEEEEEE TV SERIES HAHAHAHA. From the good ones, to the shitty ones. Some of my favorites are modern family, the good place, brooklyn 99, stranger things, how to get away from murder, next in fashion, the amazing world of gumball, andddd i suddenly cant remember anything else

DAY 13: I dont really read books a lot, but one of my favorites is Norwegian Wood. Its just soooooo beautifully written. You can feel the love, the pain, the warmth, you can feel everything through Haruki Mukami’s words.

DAY 14: Im not the most stylish person you will ever meet. I wear similar things everyday. Neutral colors paired with culottes and sandals or sneakers. Thats it. I actually love colors but not confident enough to wear it.

DAY 15: New York or London. I dont know, i’ve always admired busy places. Cities filled with busy people doing their own thing. No one gives a fuck about what you do. Busy places make you think no matter how shitty your day is, there will always be tomorrow.

DAY 16: we used to do everything together. we used to talk for hours about everything. we used to share our favorite songs to each other. we used to laugh at our own stupid jokes. we used to go to music gigs together. we used to watch movies together. not sure if he is the one that im missing or is it just the memories? the time that we spent together was beautiful. its kinda funny to think now that we act like a stranger to each other but yeah time changes people. he was my first everything. sometimes i wonder what would happen if we’re still together to this day, would i be happier? or would i suffer more? this may sound ridiculous, but what we had was as beautiful as lyrics in songs, melodies in musics, colors in paintings. ewwwww this is sooo cringe worthy lol okay i’ll stop.

DAY 17: im so attracted to funny guys i dont know why lol i love guys who can make me laugh. i also love a guy who knows what hes doing. Guys with knowledge also turn me on lol oh and im sooo into guys with glasses.

DAY 18: 1. My full name is Bernadetha Sari Jasmine, 2. I was born in September 21st 1998, 3. I’m a middle child, 4. I’m socially awkward, 5. I literally overthink about everything, 6. I have low self-esteem, sad i know, 7. I’m majoring in Industrial Engineering, 8. I always speak the truth, 9. I’m loyal, 10. i love listening to musics, 11. i respect art, 12. i love the magic of cooking, 13. im an introvert, 14. i get shy around people im not close with, 15. im slow witted, 16. im detail oriented, 17. i know everything i want to know, 18. i wear glasses, 19. im the-go-with-the-flow kind of person, 20. i dont know what i want to do with my life, 21. i used to date a guy for 8 years straight lol, 22. i wear braces for 10 years (and still counting), 23. i hate dramas thus i always try to avoid it, 24. im a hopeless romantic, 25. im a pessimist, 26. i love ayam geprek so much!!! 27. i love buildings, 28. i also love the sound of the road when we drive around the city, 29. i daydream a lot, 30. i live in my own fantasy.

DAY 19: just read my writing for day 16

I think thats it for now, im getting tired lol prob going to continue this at some other time sooo see you!

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[canaryatlaw]

Well today was overall fine, accomplished enough I suppose and nothing went too terrible. Woke up around 1:30 (bless) which was glorious, ate some cocoa krispies (note: whenever I say I ate breakfast on one of these posts it means I ate cocoa krispies. I always eat cocoa krispies) then got ready and took my little cart thing out and hopped on a bus to make a target trip. There's no route directly there, so I either have to walk a bit east then hop on a bus a bit south, or hop on a bus a bit south and then walk a bit east, lol, and I did the second today. I needed to make the target trip because this week I was actually out of sodastream gas canisters, which are actually what powers my life so I had to get the refills of those, along with a few other random items like, mouthwash. Of course I raided their dollar section (that is really their $3 section at this point, but oh well) and couldn't help but buy like 3 candles and more string lights for my room cuz they're cheap and cute and I don't care, lol. Did some basic food shopping, what I'll need for dinner tonight and the next week or so, and heavy cream if I ever get around to making caramels like I want to at some point. Wandered around the store a bit after that, spent a solid 10 minutes contemplating their underwear selection and trying to decide if I wanted to try something other than the exact brand size and style I've been wearing for like, ten years because everything else rides up and makes me uncomfortable, and ended up deciding to just go with it (for the record, I have tried other stuff over the years, and been unhappy with them). I looked through their pajama selection and really wanted this cute summery set of a gryffindor tank and shorts but it was 98% polyester so there goes that idea. They had a few other things but nothing all that great. I did dare venture over to the clothing section for a few minutes, and got a cute tank top and a pair of sporty leggings that I'm hoping will stay on better while I'm working out (I've noticed lately, mainly when I'm like, in the middle of working out, that whatever sweatpants I'm wearing have a tendency to fall down) then finally headed to check out. Walked a bit back and then had to wait for way too long for the bus but I didn't want another half hour of walk, so I waited. Got home around 5, put my stuff away and started working on the project for about two hours. I was working on perfecting the mission and vision statement as well as working on the portion about future plans for the org. That was hard because like, I want to turn in this plan for this nationwide org with community centers everywhere but like, this is a plan we're making to start a nonprofit lol, not an idea for an already established one, so I had to do some rewriting of my original concept and then think of things to add to the future developments beyond more community centers in different cities. Then I worked on a smaller portion about my experience and how it makes me equipped for the job, which put me just at 11 pages, so not bad. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm gonna handle the actual presentation, cuz like there's very specific parameters set out in the paper for what there needs to be in it, but the presentation is just based on the paper, it doesn't say what exactly, and he's said several times he doesn't want us just reading from a paper, but also saying he doesn't care about PowerPoints or stuff like that- just that we're familiar enough with the material to talk about it confidently and not need to read straight from our notes. So I may make a presentation cheat sheet of major points at some point tomorrow that could be helpful. Basically the presentation is supposed to be us pitching the idea of the nonprofit to potential finders, for them to decide if they would want to fund us or not. I think I have a good amount of info about programs and such set up, I need to do the more technical elements of setting up a board of directors and everything, and actually figure out a budget (which I probably won't include in the presentation but will need for the paper, and God am I not looking forward to doing that) and other tying up factors. But I think I'm in a good spot and I should be able to pull everything together tomorrow for my presentation Monday. At 7 I stopped because I wanted to make dinner. I've been having this issue lately where I'll make my big meal on the weekend but then not want to eat it during the week for whatever reason and end up throwing most of it out which I really had doing, so I thought I'd try to do something I know is good and that I'll want to eat, so I did this cheesy chicken broccoli and rice thing that's fairly easy to make and also tastes way better than you would expect it to lol so hopefully that will do the trick for during the week. After I finished cooking I sat down on my couch to watch some tv, and found out training day had started about 5 minutes prior (it was like, 8:05 at this point). I never keep track of when my shows actually air, so sometimes I'll turn on my tv and find out one of them is actually on). So I caught up on that pretty quickly and watched it. Somewhat of a meh episode for me, not that I didn't like the plot because I did, I think I just missed Katrina Law's character because she was in like, one scene. But that was fine. I didn't have anything else recorded so I went back over to 24:Legacy which I ended up watching for the rest of the night and finishing, and I have to say, by the last 3 episodes I was all in on this in true 24 fashion, finally feeling it like I did with the original show and oh, how I've missed that feeling. It took a while to get there obviously, but it was worth it because those episodes were fantastic. Spoilers ahead, obviously, but I was sad they did end up killing Rebecca, though that much should've been obvious once Sims or whatever his name was did his little speech about after this she would be like a war criminal. But I was sad because I gained so much respect for her character over those episodes, like what a fucking BADASS she is to take on a hostage negotiation like that and just totally call their bluff when he life was on the line, like holy crap she was just killing it. I loved it when her and Eric just went rogue, that finally felt very 24, with its rogue agents receiving unofficial support from CTU. Even Keith (I learned his name and have stopped calling him zoom guy!!!) was pretty awesome in the end of definitely did his part, something not always true for past CTU directors. Of course there was massive incompetence in letting terrorist #1 escape, but that was clearly just because they needed it for the plot, not that it would actually happen like that. I have to talk about the ending with the girl and Eric and Tony though. TONY. My bby. First of all, hearing him utter the words "I have to help CTU" made my little fangirl heart so happy because even after all of this he was going to help them and it just ahhhh <3. With the showdown at the house I was just like, yelling the whole time STOP FIGHTING YOURE FRIENDS YOU JUST DONT KNOW IT so I was pleased when that basically happened lol and of course Tony was like uh yeah of course go take the kid and save Rebecca. This girl though, and Eric protecting her, broke my fucking heart. Like yes, I know, this is all fictional. But that poor little girl. She was so little, so entirely innocent, and treated so horribly by the government that it was abominable. Seeing Eric being so gentle and kind to her was perfect, and that scene where they're waiting for the helicopter and she's telling him about the names of the flowers and the trees had me in like, tears just out of the sheer preciousness of the scene, like, holy crap, it was such a poignant and well done moment that stood out so well from all the violence and terrorism going on around it. I very much enjoyed that, and of course seeing that the girl was in fact safe. They obviously set themselves up for a second season, but I still of course protest to having a 12 episode season of a show called 24 when the entire damn concept is it happens over 24 hours, lol. Also, I freaked out when they time jumped the last 15 minutes because HEY, THAT IS SO AGAINST THE RULES. YOU MADE THE RULES, AND THERE ARENT THAT MANY OF THEM, BUT YOU JUST BROKE A MAJOR RULE AND THATS NOT COOL, MAN. Lol. I'm not sure what to think about John and what he's gonna do now, but it would be interesting to see him as president next season (though tbh I'll just be sad Rebecca isn't there with him because she's just such a badass character I can't help but miss her). But yeah, clearly I had feelings about all of that haha as you can see from all I just ranted. But yeah, I finished that and started getting ready for bed and now it's late and I should go to sleep, so I'm gonna do that now. Church in the morning, then we'll see. Goodnight friends. I hope you sleep well.

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.

[datingadviceonreddit]

This is gonna be a long story and may not be as full of thrill as you might expect, but I would really appriciate any advice or insight I could get, so bear with me, if you can.Tldr: Manipulative ex gf thanked me for getting her through school and family isssues for 8 years by screwing her coworker and letting me find the used panties.Since there´s a lot of talk about abuse in relationships I´ve come to think about my last relationship and whether my (27m) ex-gf (25f) emotionally abused me. This is in no form a talk of physical abuse, but coming out of the bubble I was in, when I was still with her, I think that some things she did to me would be considered insane, if a guy did that to his girl.For background: I met my ex-gf when I was 18. She was 16 and seemed like the sweetest girl in the world. She was exactly my type, sweet, caring and came from a shitty family background, which I absolutely do not. Not only did I fell madly in love with her, I also wanted to help her overcome all the losses and insecurities she had dealt with. Her father was a women hating alcoholic pos that died when she was 13 and most likely killed himself. He had told her literally since the day she was born that she was trash, because she was a girl. When the nurse said he had become father to a wonderful daughter he replied with "well the dumb ones loose their cock". So that´s the kind of guy that had indoctrinated her to think she was worthless and would end up like her mother. Her mum was kind, but also one of the dumbest and most ignorant people I have ever met. During the 8 years of our relationship I have met so many new "step dads" for my ex, that I´m pretty sure I must have forgotten some.For the first two years our relationship was seemingly fine. I showed her that she could become anything she wanted, helped her with school, with bullies, her idiotic mother, her ignorant brother and so much stuff, my life basically consisted of nothing more than making sure she was alright. She had depression, an eating disorder and on top of that she had a habit of taking care of any animal she could get her hands on. When we first met, she had three cats, two bunnies and a horse. When we split it was still three cats, a dog, the horse and a pony. Financing almost everything about them alone and taking care of them 24/7 while doing school or working. This has made up a huge part of our live and tbh - I miss this so much it breaks my heart.I admired her for caring for all of them and over the years I got so involved I took care of the animals like they were my own. I have spent nights and days at our barn making sure the horses were fine and raised our dog for 7 years with her. Loosing the dog was the worst part for me honestly.Anyways during the first two years she kinda looked up to me I guess. I helped her through school, getting a job and eventually to become a nurse. I accompanied her to exams, even pretty much wrote a major paper for her (I know) and what not.I cant really tell at what point the dynamic shifted but I guess it was somewhere around our third year together. She always had a temper and when she got mad, it was like all she could see was red and the things she sometimes said to me were so humiliating and mean that today I would walk out the second the first thing came out of anyones mouth.It got worse and worse and to give you a bigger picture I will list some things out of the last two years:- She twisted anything I said all the time. Sometimes she raged all of a sudden over a thing I had allegedly said the day before. She made up entire conversations that had never happened and when I called out this bs she came up with things like "so youre calling me a liar" and the fight continued from there on- she constantly accused me of cheating even though I was carrying her on my hands like a princess, caring for her and her pets 24/7 and if I got mad, she got even more mad, insisting that I had no right to get mad over the accusation, because that would be a sign they were true. I had caught her texting at least two guys she lied to me about in a semi explicit way, but of course when I caught her it was my fault.- She called me names, yelled at me, told me to fuck off and when I left she said if I would leave we´d be done.It was like that at least once every two weeks, probably more often.Im sorry if this is a little confusing to follow. It is hard to grasp being humiliated and manipulated over a course of years and put it into sentences.Still, here is something that really stuck with me.I was going on walks with her horses and her at least four times a week. It was hard work, and she constantly told me how bad I was at handling the horses and what not, even though pressuring me and punishing me if I did not come along, because she had more work to do then. When we went on walks we would bring large garbage bags and gloves to pick up the horse sht. We were walking through neighborhoods and streets and didnt want to leave it jus there. That one day she told me to get the bags so we could go. I went into your shed, grabbed them from the usual chair they were on and put them into my pocket. These are regualy folded trash bags from a role like you probably use every other day. So at some point the horse does its duty and I hand my ex-gf the bag, she unfolds it and sees it has a giant hole at the bottom which was not visible before. It was a fabrication mistake which you could only see once you really wanted to use it. She then screamed at me on a street in full daylight with people around how dumb I was to not see this before, if I could do anything right and tbh, it was the ususal talk for me. I told her there was no way of knowing for me and that I had just taken them from the usual place. She then told me that she had already known that apparently the whole role had been like this but she did not throw them away. So she knew I would grab these and it would play out like this or just didnt think about it herself. She literally screamed at me and still insisted I was too stupid to do basic tasks and here comes the part that was really bad for me.Apparently she had also forgotten to bring the gloves we use to pick the shit up and since it was my fault the bag was broken I would have to pick the shit up with my bare hands. I really dont find horse shit gross compared to dog or whatever shit but it still is what it is and it was a lot. There was screaming at me not to be a little bitch and pick up the shit and find a way the bag will hold it. The worst thing for me about this that I was actually on my knees, over the pile and I was so close to pick it up, it makes me sick thinking about it. Eventually I told her Im not doing it, she just walked away silently and told me once we´re back at the barn I could leave.Now you wonder, why I didnt leave. Its simple. I loved her more than anything. She had a habit to apologize so sincerely a day after her usual tantrums, I just believed her. She would come a day later and tell me that she would just get consumed by rage and couldnt help but talking like while at the same time not meaning anything of it sincerely. Shed tell me shed love me, be nothing without me, love the way I treat her and her animals and that I should believe her that nothing of what she says in rage mode is what she actually feels. I always believed that. For 8 damn years I believed this shit.The last year was one of the best and still the worst. We moved in together after she had finished becoming a nurse and me almost finishing law school. We had fixed her relationship with her mother, her brother, got her her dream job and I dont want to be an asshole but I had guided her through all of it. Her family was a full on nightmare when it came to communication and I had always felt like the only sane person at the table being with them. The reason this is important is, I always excused her irrational behaviour with the trouble and stress that was always constant in her life. Her horse had also been sick for years and for the first time we could sleep without fearing it would be dead on the grass the next morning.So the foundation was good. At least thats what I thought. I remember two weeks before the relationship ended, she asked me whether I was still planning to marry her. I looked at her as honestly as I could and said yes and I meant it with all my heart. You shouldve seen the look on her face. She was the happiest girl in the world and I was sure this would be a turning point.Then she had a christmas party from work. I drove her there so she could drink. Told her to enjoy herself, she had deserved it after all the stress and I would pick her up till 3 in the morning because Id have to feed the horses at 7 and needed at least a bit of sleep.She did not react to my messages once and came home at around 5:30. Told me she had danced a lot with a coworker that had hit on her prior and I was pissed, but trusted her and did not want to ruin her one night out right after it ended. That was on a friday. The next morning, saturday, everything was fine. I had taken out the horses and we went on a 3 hour walk with them in the afternoon and I had to study after that for the rest of the day. She was sweet to me but kinda hung on her phone a lot and always made sure to take it with her everytime she left the room, which was kind of suspicious to me but I thought Id just be paranoid.So far everything still was fine. On sunday it all changed. She got up in the morning and was pissed right away. We had plans for the day and she canceled them because of light rain which usually never bothered us. She acted pissed until early afternoon and suddenly told me shed go see the horses. I wanted to join her but she wanted to go alone and walk there. That was a thirty minute walk in rain and by the time shed have walked back once she was done there it wouldve been dark outside and people got robbed a lot where we had to walk. I let her go and once it was time to feed the horses I got in my car to suprise her, so she wouldnt have to walk home in the dark. When I arrived all hell broke loose. Suddenly she told me that ever sinced I moved in with her she had no real home anymore. That I was just a dog to her, not a real man and that I was taking the air she breathed from her. She said shed go to bed early cause thats the only time she could spent without me. Just to note this here, she had yelled at me numerous times because I couldnt go to bed with her because I had to study.The idiot I was I still offered her to ride her home and then go to my brothers place so she could get some peace and we had a chance to talk at night or in the morning. Well she did not have any of that and told me to fuck off. I drove to my brother, she walked home and we only talked the next morning when she broke up with me and kicked me out.Two days later she called me to tell me something. Of course we couldnt meet at a neutral place, I had to come to her and we talked were our (her) horses stood with my australian shepherd I had raised for 7 years and never saw again after that day. She told me she had fucked her coworker. I dont know what happened at the christmas party but I guess they did not fuck there, but made out or something. Then the day after she kicked me out she went over while his gf was at work so they could screw. Not 24hours later after she had broken up with me, who had taken care of her for so long. She did not tell me this to rub it into my face. She wanted to come clean I guess. But the worst thing about this was what she told me after that confession. She said she knows how bad she treated me over all these years, the things she said to me, the manipulation and all of that and that she had come to the realization, everything she ever told me while she was raging and then took back was what she truly thought of me. That I was no man for her, just a dog following her orders. She had no reason at all to tell me this, I dont know why she did it, but even tough this was 1,5years ago I still think about this every day.I left and wanted to hug my dog one last time. That little thing was so shaken, she wouldnt leave my ex-gfs side, leaving my last interaction with her, her backing away from me and completely refusing to let me touch her. Thinking of this makes me die a little inside. The next day I went over to our flat to get my stuff. I had to go through the laundry basket to get the last of my unwashed clothes out of there and right on top was the thong completely covered in jizz she wore when he fucked her. The nicest present she could have made me to get the hell out of there. Did I mention that the day after she fucked him she actually called me, panicking and asking me whether Id remember the last times she had taken her pill. I had no idea of the other guy at that point and assured her the last time we had sex was a while ago so it woulnt matter.Guess she panicked after he nutted raw in her.The funny thing about this is that this and her cheating was one of the things that kept me from suicide. It was a really close call in all honesty, but even though I was in such a bad shape that I lost 60 pounds in 8 weeks because I could not eat or sleep the last bit of pride kept me alive. I did not want to go out because of some bitch that rather fucked some other cheater than keeping the one that loved her more than himself.Hats off if you made it this far. I will end this on a positive note. Im taken again. Shes wonderful. I have grown as a person so much, I think Im nowhere near the same guy and never will be again. The day my ex saw me updating my relationship status on facebook, she stalked my gf and since you could see the bar shes a waitress at, she was there the very next day checking her out. Accompanied by her coworker of course, who is still with his gf that he cheated on.My ex messaged me lately because covid, wishing me and my family the best after I had not heard from her in about a year. I replied with "thanks, you too." I want to be a good person. Im glad I made it out of this abusive (?) relationship. Will put a tldr at the top and fix typos later.God I miss my dog. via /r/dating_advice