#thats ALWAYS what i do with my social media presences when i either feel like im on them too much or get occasionally bored of them

[13eyond13]

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[duhhhhimstypidyall-blog]

Spiraling (Vent/Brain Dump)

TW: mental breakdown, spiraling, ranting, ect.

 !PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD HEADSPACE!

The concept of time is really fucked when you are experiencing severe dissociation episodes. My entire life I’ve lacked a general awarness of time and don’t seem to have a reliable internal clock like some others. Everything I experience seems to be in polar extremes. Time either moves so painfully slow that it seems like a day will never end or so fast that it seems like I blink and a week has passed. It is even more complicated when it seems to have both characteristics simultaneously even though from a logical stand point it should not be possible. I’m assuming that is why it is so hard for me to comprehend. When I was a kid, all the super exciting things in life always sped by while undesireable experiences seemed to slow everything down. Now it has nothing to do with the surrounding circumstances. Each day I live makes less and less sense to me. The funny thing is every once and a while I will go a few weeks or maybe even a month without giving this whole ordeal a single thought, but it always creeps back in and its been getting alarmingly worse upon each return. Throw sleep deprivation, an eating disorder, and isolation into the mix and I am left with an ugly cocktail of a spiraling psychotic breakdown. One thing people always have to say to someone in a rough mental health patch is that you will get through this and move past it. Although I am not necesarily disagreeing with this statement, it is not giving me any sort of hope, which I am assuming is supposed to be the outcome of the statement. It does not provide hope because even though I always somehow get out of these episodes, I never remember them once thier over. That also means being in it right now, I don’t have a known way of getting out of it because I don’t remember what I did last time to get out. I am not sure that made much sense but thats besides the point. It is so strange to be in this state. I am here enough to know that I am not here which is ironic because again, that contradicts itself. I would compare it as sort of going on autopilot, I am reluctantly getting out of my desk chair and going to work but I could not tell you any of the conversations that I had or even what events from the shifts were on which particular day of the week. I am just all around delirous and checked the fuck out. I am starting to get frustrated again with feeling stuck in a loop with no progress being made and it feels pointless. I know I have so much more to say but I keep zoning out and staring at what I know are my fingers on the keyboard but they sure do not seem entirely connected to me right now. They just look slightly off, its that feeling you get when you see the pictures of those liminal spaces and factually there is nothing immediatly concerning about the photos but you get this gut feeling that there is something off behind the scenes. I must have punched my car again at some point recently because I have nasty bruises on my hand again. If I am being honest I haven’t slept in 2 days and I cannot remember the last time I ate. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye that are most likely not even there and hearing shit I can assume is not real either. I just wish I did not have to go through this alone. I am a complete looser and a failure, I am in my early 20′s and have NO friends, I live by myself and am only close with my sister out of the family who is unfortunately 3 hours away from me. We are in contact daily over the phone and on social media due to our shared interests but it is not the same as having someone physically in your presence to bring you back down to earth a little bit. I really need a fucking hug, I am so touch starved that if someone were to genuinely embrace me I just know I would immediately burst into tears and hyperventilate through my violent sobbing. I know I am supposed to deserve to be loved and have friends but its hard to believe that when I have nothing to prove otherwise. If I deserved friendship and love wouldn’t I have it? Some of the nastiest and cruel people in the world are allowed those luxuries so why the fuck am I the one that gets it taken away from me. I don’t have anyone to tell my jokes too. I have nobody to play video games with. I have nobody to share my newest plot ideas with. I just want to share the human experience with at least one other person like the rest of the world gets to. It is not fair. I have not done anything in my life that would constitute a punishment as cruel as this. Recently I have been listening to the song Karma by AJR and I feel like it really captures the way I feel about the whole thing. Especially the line, “the universe works in mysterious ways but I’m starting to think it ain’t working for me”. It confuses me because in an abstract way the human experience is following the rules laid out by the universe and in turn recieving either good or bad things based on your compliance. It just seems like I am being expected to follow an entirely different set of rules and rewards but I have no idea what they are and noone will tell me what they are. I come to the universe asking questions because it is just the way that things are supposed to be and thats just how it works, but for some reason I am met with notions of “well not for you though” with no further explainations. What am I doing this for? I do not belong in this timeline, I feel like I got misplaced on accident and that this is not the lifetime that I am supposed to be navigating but I am trapped here until the end of humanity.  

[iamtheblondestblonde]

The Clark Kent Effect

Part Three

AN: Imma be honest, I’m not happy with this part. I feel like my brain isn’t entirely ready for writing yet, it’s still wired to argue cases so please bear with me as I get my shit together. I still wanted to give the people who follow this story something though (you have no idea how happy I am about every single one of you) and I sincerely hope that this is good enough, apologies if not :) 

Song: Catching Feelings - Drax Project (this will be a thing from now on)

Word Count: 4,6k 

Warnings: explicit language I’m pretty sure but thats it

Masterlist / Part One / Part Two

You felt foolish really. It was as if your entire life had turned into a soap opera overnight. You wouldn’t call yourself cynical by all means, you loved love and everything that came along with it far too much for that, but you would’ve at least described yourself as rational.

Up until now.

Up until now you’d been convinced that if people really wanted to, they would be together. Up until now you’d been a believer of where there’s a will, there will be a way - relationships that would classify as statutory rape excluded of course, age was a bit more than just a number in those cases - but you, you, you had been stopped by the Bro-Code, which was just absolutely ridiculous.

Imagine telling that to your parents: Hey mom, so I met this great guy but I can’t do anything about it because he’s friends with my ex. Your grandma would straight up laugh in your face if you told her, the badass bitch had married her former lover’s rich best friend after she’d gotten the news that her fiancé hadn’t survived the war. Without needing to call her you knew that she’d tell you to go for Mat in a second, no matter how much she’d adored Tito back then.

But you weren’t your grandma and Tito hadn’t died in a war so here you were, pining over a guy you couldn’t have and practically living out a tragic romance novel. Technically you didn’t even know if Tito would have anything negative to say about the entire situation, it may all be water under the bridge by now, but you also couldn’t just casually ask him without giving anything away.

The only good thing about this situation was that Tito had brought a great group of people along with him into your life. He’d always been good at making friends, that certainly hadn’t changed from when he was younger and since the two of you had hit it up again your friend groups had seemingly merged without issue. It sure made for an interesting dynamic. You’d had some explaining to do whenever you initiated someone new into a group that also included your ex, but the result was definitely worth it.

Spending time with Tito was just as easy as it used to be, back before feelings complicated everything. Somehow you’d managed to fall back into a completely platonic relationship, one that worked just as well when the two of you were alone as it did with others around.

You’d missed having him around the years before, his view on things and the way he’d always managed to make decisions easy by providing simple solutions.

Should you get a puppy right now? - No, your apartment is too small for a big dog right now and no, you also shouldn’t settle for a purse-sized dog because you’ve always wanted a big one since you were little.

Maybe a cat instead? - No, you are allergic to cats, don’t be stupid.

What about one of those naked ones? - Also no, you need to bathe those frequently because of the built up oils on their skin and you don’t even have a bathtub in your apartment.

(You really had to bathe those from time to time, you’d looked it up. Apparently they could still trigger allergies as well, which straight up sucked.)

Should we grab Thai or Chinese? – Chinese, you told me about this new place you wanted to try out like three days ago.

What can I do to stop this one coworker from belittling and making fun of me? - I’ll help you make her jealous, how about some courtside seats to watch the Nets since she likes basketball?

The last idea had actually come from Mat (since Tito didn’t know shit about basketball), who had also pulled some strings to get four tickets so you could attend the game with Dana, Tito and him. Mat had even taken some pictures of Dana and you in your jerseys and at the game so you could post about your night excessively on your social media, making sure that said co-worker would see it. They’d also given you a tour of the building and you were surprised to say that their locker didn’t smell as bad as you’d expected.

Said coworker hadn’t said anything ever since by the way, but you could still see her lurking on your Instagram.

For all the advice Tito provided you with, you still hadn’t asked him the one thing you needed an answer to:

Is Mat off limits?

But you couldn’t do that and therefore it somehow became a normal thing for Mat and you to walk on eggshells around each other after the “incident” at the bar.

From time to time there were moments that made it blatantly obvious how good things could be – the time he’d excitedly side hugged-you after the Nets turned the game that one night before realizing what he’d just done and quickly letting go, how he’d found you in the crowd and looked straight at you after scoring a goal at one of his games before being swept away by his teammates or simply how you could see him looking around until he found you whenever your group met up – but they never lasted more than a few seconds.

The two of you were stuck, neither of you wanting to hurt Tito’s feelings. At least with your big group moments with Mat alone were rare. They still happened from time to time though, especially since the majority of your friends wasn’t even aware of your dilemma, which was why you found yourself in the passenger seat of his car on a Friday night.

Emily’s boyfriend Rafael had finally returned from a two-month-long work trip to Spain and was dead set on making an authentic recipe he’d been taught over there for everyone. Unfortunately he’d made the mistake of putting Emily in charge of getting the needed groceries and in true Emily fashion she’d forgotten to buy tomatoes. Something neither of them had noticed until Rafael had wanted to start cooking as soon as everyone arrived at their place. Maybe Emily had done it on purpose or maybe she hadn’t been thinking properly in that moment, too caught up in the fact that her lover was with her again, but she’d tasked Mat and you with a last-minute errand run to the store.

You couödn’t stop yourself from checking out the wine aisle though, leaving him waiting behind, dutifully holding a bag of fresh tomatoes and checking his phone while you inspected the options. Rafael had asked you to bring some wine as well but the one he’d requested was apparently out of stock.

“Barzal”, you called for his attention, inspecting a label to try and figure out if it was a suitable replacement, “you think Rafael would like this one?”

As you turned around with the bottle in your hand you were taken by surprise by Mat’s proximity. You hadn’t even noticed how close he’d moved until now and for a couple of seconds you were caught up in your daydreams again. He seemed to struggle with the same thing, his pupils blown and his breathing growing uneven while the two of you just stared at each other. His lips were so close and so incredibly inviting, his mouth slightly agape.

If I leaned up on my tippy toes right now I could-

You quickly stopped yourself from finishing that thought, looking down so you had a couple of seconds to gather your thoughts, thoughts Mat seemed to infiltrate constantly. By the time you dared to look up again he was running his hand across his face in frustration before slowly breathing out and returning to his cool and collected regular self.

“I’m the wrong person to ask this, he was drinking some red wine earlier and the one you picked out is obviously red but that’s about it. Wine culture is definitely lost on me, sorry. I prefer beer.”

“Stereotypical hockey player through and through, I see.” Later on you’d tell yourself that the smirk that followed made your brain short-circuit, because there was no other way to explain why you’d keep on flirting otherwise.

“Maybe one day I’ll teach you, only if you’re nice to me though”, you teased, maybe in an effort to take control over the situation, maybe because you simply couldn’t stop yourself but his laugh made your heart soar for one second, until you remembered why this shouldn’t be happening.

Maybe you simply were an undiscovered masochist because even though you knew you should stay away from him you kept finding yourself in situations like this one way too many times. Deciding that you’d simply drink the wine by yourself if anyone had an issue with it - drowning your sorrows seemed like a great idea either way right now - you handed him a second bottle before moving to leave the aisle and in turn his personal space.

Making eye contact with Colin standing a couple of meters away from you got you to do a full 180 though, almost smacking into Mat in the process, who had obviously followed you towards the cashiers.

What was it with Mat and you?!

While a collision was thankfully avoided, Colin’s presence could cause other problems, since he hadn’t exactly appreciated you breaking off things over a month ago. Because you hadn’t known him for long it had taken you longer than you liked to admit to realize that he was a manipulative bastard, you weren’t proud of that, and you had no idea how he’d act right now.

“What’s wrong?”

“My ex is over there and I don’t want to talk to him. Is he walking in our direction?”

Mat lifted his concerned glance from you to look over your shoulder so he could be on the lookout.

“If he’s the one wearing a Gucci hoodie that is so obviously fake then yes, he is walking in our direction.”

You let out a snort at the casual burn but you weren’t too happy about having to face Colin right now. He hadn’t even crossed your mind in these past few weeks but for him to cross paths with you while you were with Mat of all people seemed to be yet another one of these odd twists of fate your life seemed to attract lately. Maybe your guardian angel had decided to start a meth lab instead sometime recently, there was no other way to explain what was going on instead.

“Uh.. you look good, don’t worry, he’s definitely the one that missed out. Do- do you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend or something?”, Mat stuttered out nervously, probably noticing your anxious shifting and you couldn’t help but smile at his words, despite him being wrong about the reason behind your nervousness.

“Thanks for the offer”, you gave him a gentle smile of reassurance before continuing, “but no, it’s not about the way I look or anything like that, I don’t give a fuck what he thinks of me because he’s an idiot. I just don’t want him to cause any problems and if I could I’d just run away from him forever so he doesn’t have the chance to ever ruin my night again.”

“Well I’m no expert on forever, but I’m here right now and I say fuck that guy”, he responded and with that he grabbed your hand and started running towards the cashiers, leaving you with no other choice but to run along with him so he wouldn’t rip your arm out of its socket.

Oh how you wished you had a picture of the expression on Colin’s face as Mat and you ran past him, hand in hand and cackling like maniacs.

He was apparently too stunned to follow you as you fought over who would pay for the stuff - Mat ultimately winning - but you didn’t let that stop you from running all the way to this car as well. Of course hand in hand.

Masochist.

Somehow the weird tension between the two of you seemed to lift sometime during your little sprint but you weren’t sure if this would be permanent or if it was a spur of the moment thing. You’d be damned if you didn’t enjoy it while it lasted though.  

The entire ride back you couldn’t stop thinking about the way his hand had felt in yours and what a perfect fit it had been, desperately wanting to feel it again as the two of you sang along to the songs playing over the speakers, perfectly happy in your little bubble.

-

As Christmas approached Emily roped everyone in to accompany her on her mission to make Rafael appreciate the cold that taken over New York. According to her he dearly missed sunny Spain but all you could see was a man who was happy to be home again. You weren’t about to tell her that though, you’d long figured out that whenever she’d set her mind to something it was best to simply follow along. Everyone else had apparently come to the same realization because no one objected to her plans.

Emily wanted to take Rafael ice skating and since the Rockefeller Center apparently wasn’t good enough and too crowded, she told everyone to meet at Pier 17. Dana and Mariah were on board of course and you’d managed to convince Tito to come along, who had in turn invited Mat.

In a ridiculous attempt to not get spotted, both Mat and Tito had donned a pair of glasses and while you were used to seeing them on Tito by now, seeing Mat with them again knocked the breath out of your lungs for a second.

It had been almost two months since you’d last seen him like this and the fact that you hadn’t recognized him that night seemed impossible to you now. Maybe it was because you’d gotten to know him since, seeing him in real life instead of only on pictures and memorizing his handsome features in the process but as you tried to get a good glance at him without anyone noticing you realized that he’d never be Clark Kent to you again.

Whether that was a good or a bad thing was still left to decide though.

“Need help with those?”, Mat’s voice ripped you out of your thoughts. You’d been so lost in them that you hadn’t even noticed that everyone else had already laced up their skates and walked out onto the ice while you’d been staring at your hands for who knows how long, laces wrapped around your fingers but not doing anything. Tito and him had brought their own skates while everyone else had to rely on rentals and his were already laced up perfectly of course.

You nodded, despite full well knowing how to do it yourself but you weren’t about to stop Mat from pulling your leg into his lap so he had better access. Besides, you’d stupidly forgotten to bring gloves and you’d gladly take any chance to leave your hands stuffed inside the pockets of your jacket as you rapidly got colder.

His fingers worked quickly, tightening the laces with expertise and you watched his hand moving in awe.

If hockey ever wasn’t an option for him anymore, hand modeling definitely was. He had such nice hands, strong and big and perfect. For a quick second your thoughts drifted to what else they could be capable of, before you reeled them back in, mentally scolding yourself. It really wasn’t your fault, not thinking of him seemed impossible these days.

His eyes were mostly focused on his work but from time to time he’d lift his gaze and give you a small smile, one you happily returned despite the mess inside your head. He had just finished tying the second one when someone banged on the glass, making the both of you jump a little.

“Ayo Barzy get your filthy paws off Y/N!”, Tito yelled before zooming away again laughing loudly, leaving an awkward silence behind.

Was this just Tito being his usual little-shit-self or was he actually serious?

For a couple of seconds you couldn’t do anything but stare at Mat as he looked down onto his hands, one of them still loosely wrapped around your ankle. Carefully you pulled your leg off his lap, set both feet on the ground and got up.

It was apparently time to face reality again.

You waited until there was a break in the throngs of people circling around the rink before stepping onto the ice, muscle memory from your childhood kicking in immediately. Once you were convinced that you weren’t going to fall on your ass you did a couple of little spins until you were facing Mat again, who had followed you. He looked at you with a slack jaw and you laughed at his expression.

“You can skate?!”, he asked bewildered and you laughed again, moving so the both of you could skate beside each other at a relaxed pace.

“Obviously. Sorry to ruin your late night fantasies of teaching me how to skate but I’m a good Canadian girl and I did some figure skating when I was younger. I actually used to be pretty fast.”

That caught his attention and you smiled at the way he looked down at you with a conspiring grin.

“Oh yeah? Show me what you got then”, after a couple of seconds of contemplation he continued, “last one to reach the others owes the winner coffee.”

You looked around to find the rest of your group, spotting them on the other side messing around. Of course.

“You’re on, Barzy. I hope you’re ready to lose though”, you winked at him before racing towards your friends, leaving him and his exclamations about you being a cheater behind, now definitely not cold anymore.

-

Something in your relationship seemed to shift after that, at least whenever you were alone with him. Things were still difficult around others, especially with the way Emily kept prodding you for updates and Tito constantly disturbing the few moments you had alone with him. You weren’t sure yet if he did it on purpose or if he simply had awful timing but it wasn’t like it made a difference.

Christmas came and passed just as fast, the team leaving for a roadtrip shortly after. You’d celebrated New Year’s Eve with your friends in a club, unable to kiss the person you wanted to either way so your lips had stayed untouched as the fireworks went off at midnight and the days following.

Tito had announced that the guys would return later in the day though, already making plans in the groupchat to meet up tomorrow. While you wondered where he got all this energy from you suspected it was a way to distract himself as the trip hadn’t been successful - to put it mildly. In reality they’d ate shit, losing all of their games, some to teams that should have been an easy win.

It was hard to watch on TV but even harder to talk to the guys afterwards.

A couple of hours later you sat on the couch, a book in hand that you’d meant to read for weeks and enjoying staying in on a Friday for once. You were so lost in the story that it took you a couple of seconds to realize that someone had knocked on your door.

Who could that be?

Tito or Emily were most likely to show up unannounced at your day but you knew that Tito would be on his way to his home so he could sulk by himself and Emily was away on a ski trip with Rafael. Unwrapping yourself from your fuzzy blanket you padded towards the door, taken aback by who was waiting on the other side.

“What..”, you trailed of questionably, not even sure what you were going to say in the first place.

Mat looked so out of place in the dimly lit hallway, dressed in a suit that fit him so nicely, bag set on the ground next to him.

“Can I come in?”, was all he said and you nodded, unable to bring yourself to say anything else.

How could you even refuse him?

You didn’t move from your spot beside the door and after taking off his shoes he took a couple of steps inside your apartment, hanging up his coat before turning back around to face you.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here but if I’m honest I can’t even tell you. I just didn’t want to be alone tonight and since you seem to constantly be on my mind either way..”, he trailed off, seemingly gathering his thoughts before continuing, “I don’t know if you watched the games or-“

“I did and you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to”, you said softly as you interrupted him, sensing his apprehension. You decided that you weren’t about to touch his admission of thinking of you all the time with a ten-foot-pole, instead focusing on the rest of his sentence. He looked so broken and lost standing there so you couldn’t help but take the few steps it took to reach him, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.

You knew from personal experience with Tito that athletes tended to take losses personal and if you had to take a guess you were pretty sure that Mat was one of those guys that blamed himself for them as well.

At first he seemed surprised about your bold move – it was the most the two of you had ever touched so far – but he quickly caught himself, hugging you even tighter to his body. For a couple of seconds you stood just like that, simply basking in each other’s proximity.

It was as if your bodies were made for each other, your head resting perfectly in the crook of his neck. Despite probably just getting off a plane he smelled so good and you were trying to figure out if you could take a deep breath without raising any suspicions. Before you’d managed to make a decision however, he pulled away and you unfortunately had to untangle yourself from him.

“Feel free to stay as long as you want to”, you said to fill the silence, leaving out the part where you hoped he’d stay for the night as well. He simply nodded before asking where he could change into more comfortable clothes. While you were sad to see the suit go you directed him to your bedroom, glad to have taken those thirty minutes earlier to tidy up.

He returned in a pair of grey sweatpants and a hoodie and it took every last remaining bit of your willpower not to drool at the sight of him. Somehow he managed to look even better in sweats than he did in his custom suit, which really wasn’t fair at all.

You had to admit it was a little weird to see him in your apartment though. He’d been over a couple of times to pregame etc. but he’d never been here alone. Somehow it felt strangely intimate to have him over by himself on this Friday night. To prevent your thoughts from going to a direction they definitely shouldn’t, you asked:

“Do you want some tea? I know technically you still owe me that coffee but I’ll be generous and let you off easy this time.”

For good measure you even threw in a wink at the end and your words had the desired effect, breaking the loaded tension completely.

“You cheated! I would’ve won if you hadn’t started early”, he exclaimed but the way he was laughing showed that he was anything but butthurt about the situation.

“Mmm keep telling yourself that, it’s okay”, you kept on teasing as he followed you into your small kitchen that was definitely at maximum capacity with two people in it. You’d be lying if you said that you didn’t enjoy the closeness the tight space prompted though.

With a steaming mug of tea the both of you settled onto your couch shortly after, also small enough to keep you close together. You’d been wanting to buy a bigger one for weeks, but right now you certainly didn’t mind its size.

Masochist.

“Oh I love that one, the chimpanzees are so cute”, Mat said to your surprise as he finally realized what was playing on your tv and you looked at him in utter disbelief. You certainly hadn’t pegged him for a guy that liked to watch nature documentaries but yet here he was, constantly surprising you.

“What? Documentaries are very soothing”, he defended himself and you had to laugh at the way he looked like a little kid with his floppy hair and the cute way his eyebrows had scrunched up.

“I know. That’s why I love watching them as well.”

You hadn’t exactly pictured yourself watching documentaries with him on a Friday night, something that felt way too domestic if you were being honest, but yet here you were.

As the hour grew later both Mat and you sunk further in the cushions and while you had no recollection of how exactly it had happened, your head apparently ended up on his shoulder somehow. Your only regret was that now it wasn’t as easy to sneak glances at him from time to time without him noticing. At one point he’d even wrapped his arm around you, moving both of you into a more comfortable position before covering your bodies with the fuzzy blanket and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat lulled you to sleep before you even knew it.

The soft sound of your name woke you up sometime later, you weren’t exactly sure how much time had passed but the credits of the second documentary you’d started were already rolling and you were pretty sure you’d only caught the first half of it. In your sleep you’d cuddled up even closer, your arm wrapped around Mat’s midriff and you quickly sat up, embarrassed about turning into a koala in your sleep. Maybe you could blame it on the documentary?

“Sorry for waking you but I should probably head home. Otherwise my back is going to kill me tomorrow.” His voice was a little hoarse and it was obvious that he’d fallen asleep as well, his hair now sticking up in multiple directions. You suppressed a giggle at the disheveled sight of him, instead appreciating that he let down his guard enough for you to see him that way.

“Yeah of course. I’ll show you out.”

“Thank you for tonight. It means a lot to me”, he said quietly as he stood by the door, ready to leave.

“Anytime Mat. Get home safe.” It was the first time you’d called him by his first name, after months of first calling him Barzal then Barzy and he must have noticed as well because his smile could probably make glaciers melt at this point. You weren’t even sure why you’d given up your pathetic way of distancing yourself from him – despite the fact that it was very much obvious that it wasn’t working – but to not call him Mat would feel wrong after this evening.

“Have a good night, Y/N”, he simply said, still smiling as he leaned down to kiss you on the forehead before walking out the door, leaving you speechless.

 -

Tagging: @jamiedrysdales​ @nazdaddy​ @itrocksmysocks​ @yeeehaw-hockey​ @whitesummerx​ @teenagekook​ 

[cosmicbash]

Hey, So I'm having a bad week and would really like an outed Kells and Em fic, it could be as angsty or fluffy as you want, I just need a happy ending. A little joy from a situation like that would be really nice right now, Thanks P.S. I've been reading your writing for a while and I think they're really great!! I hope you keep having Inspiration to do so!!!

Sorry I'm so late replying to this!! Ive had a shitty busy week myself and i feel horrible its taken me so long!!

I feel like instagram would be Em and Kelly's downfall. Just because the younger rapper is constantly on it, posting little snippets to interact with his fans, going Live, and of course posting pictures.

Slip ups are inevitable once he and Marshall start spending more and more time together.

Because Colson can't just cut back, when he does that fans start speculating. Questioning why exactly he's suddenly getting more secretive or searching through what he does share with a fine tooth comb to spot a new mystery girlfriend.

So Colson continues posting away on instagram and filming his lives, even when he and Marshall are together. Ignoring the headshakes and looks the older rapper shoots his way everytime he's on live laughing it up.

At first it's awkward, Marshall and him keep alternating who's going to duck into the bathroom or step out for coffee. But eventually they get used to it and comfortable enough that Colson can walk around their hotel room filming while Marshall naps on the couch.

The blonde even gets cheeky enough to start teasing his partner, like snapping photos of their shared brunches, or taking after sex selfies that always get Marshall hiding under the blankets or kicking him.

Really Colson should have seen it coming. You can only fly so close to the sun before you get burned afterall.

The mistakes start piling up soon enough.

Marshall accidentally yelling to ask him something when he's recording a live, Colson walking a bit too close to the couch and flashing the hoodie clad rappers back, the bottom of Marshall's AA necklace in the back of a breakfast shot, and more minor incidents that branch out from there.

At first Colson can just brush the unfamilar voice and thankfully covered up body as one of his assitants or friends. But as soon as that necklace peek gets out the internet does its thing and speculation over a possible collab strikes up.

The assumption being he gave everyone the glimpse on purpose.

Of course he's relieved the public isn't immediately jumping to the crazy possibility of them banging. Even though thats exactly what theyre doing. But him and Marshall AREN'T actually making any music together, and neither of them has publicly squashed their beef. Afterall, what better cover than pretending to still hate eachother?

But now that's all out the window. Colson's lack of an immediate excuse and rapid deletion of the photo just convincing the media their theories are correct.

Paul is of course furious, reaming both of them out over the phone about how they better get on a track together or figure out some new cover. And Diddy, well Diddy rarely comes off his self made throne to speak to Colson, let alone acknowledge most of his success, but the rapper actually does inquire to him about the whole spectacle. And Colson can't help but find himself wishing he had a guy like Paul who knew about them and could just simply yell at him because he still has no idea what to even say.

They settle on quiet ambiguous statements from their labels about how the two of them are working towards mending their beef and that a collaboration isn't exactly out of the question at this moment.

It works. For about a month or two, mostly due to them being apart yet again. The major hype dies down and Colson avoids any and all questions relating to Marshall in his lives and on twitter. The two of them are able to breathe a sigh of relief as temporary as it may be.

Until the next time they make time to see eachother. Colson's got a small charity event in Detroit that he plans on using as an excuse to linger around the city and steal some much needed time with his secret boyfriend.

Of course all eyes are on them yet again, questioning whether the young rapper might also be stopping in to work in some music with his rival.

With paparazzi tailing him more than ever it's impossible for him to just go to Marshall's place like he'd planned. Instead forcing him into renting a suite and wasting most of the day stressing over just how the hell he's supposed to sneak Marshall in with the bastards sitting outside the building like hawks. The other rapper isn't exactly helping either, just sending his usual cryptic texts telling Colson not worry about it but never expanding on what his plan is either.

By the time the blonde finally finishes his busy day and drags himself back to the room he has fully accepted that their rendezvous is not going to happen. Marshall had stopped texting him more than two hours ago and he wasn't about to act even more like a spoiled child by blowing the man's phone up. Colson's just given up. He can't even muster the energy to give the paparazzi outside his hotel more then an annoyed comment about how his life doesn't revolve around collaborations and the finger before slipping inside.

Marshall's presence in his hotel room, already stripped down to his night tee and briefs almost looks like a mirage. But when he shuts the door and crosses the room to bury his face in the other man's neck he smells like ivory soap and that woodsy beard oil the blonde bought him and Colson can't help but hug him closer.

He's so relieved to see him he doesn't even snark back at Marshall's muffled comment that he looks like shit.

The moment is sweet and Colson honestly should have realized it was just the calm before the storm but he's too caught up in complaining about the media and basking in his partner's soft agreements to care.

Before taking off to take his shower he hands Marshall over his phone, suggesting the brunette look through the mess his instragram comment section has become, all the questions and posts he's been tagged in over that little picture and their statements. Because why not? They would inevitably end up laying against eachother in bed scrolling through them all together anyway, at least this way Marshall can get a headstart.

And Marshall does actually swipe through them for a bit, spending more time admiring some of his partners pretty posts than he does reading the never ending stream of comments. The rapper rarely gets on the app himself except to post the occasional merch drop and promo. Social media isn't his forte, and it's not like he could follow Colson's account anyway. Navigating the app and searching for his boyfriends account was too much work when he could just asks for selfies over text.

Thats why when Marshall finishes his browsing and begins backing out of a post back to Colson's homepage he doesn't even care to pay much attention to what he's tapping. The flash of black and loading wheel that lights up the screen completely missed when he tosses it across the bed in lieu of playing around on his own phone.

The livestream he accidentally starts mainly films a blank ceiling through the rest of Colson's shower. The occasional creak and shift on the bed from Marshall's weight and blare of music from his own phones speakers all anyone tuning in can hear.

It doesn't take a brain surgeon for fans to realize the Live has been started unknowingly, but thats not going to stop any of them from filing in.

Maybe if Colson hadn't set his phone to silent the string of text messages might have alerted Marshall to his mistake. But the older rapper relaxes back on the bed less than a foot away blissfully unaware until Colson finally exits the bathroom.

Neither of them notice the phone when Marshall sits up and scoots to the edge of the bed, his body briefly flickering past the frame. They don't see the explosion of comments flying past the screen while they talk and Colson shoves the other man back onto the bed again. Bouncing the phone high enough to almost flip it if fate didn't decide to just scoot it closer to their tangling bodies.

Colson's whole upper body and face is in frame from then on. His cheeks flushed and smile cocky while he straddles his unseen partner. Marshall's fingertips peeking onto the screen where they're tickling the skin covering his ribs.

Its not until after Marshall's sat back up and begun peppering kisses down the front of his throat that he finally catches sight of his half blanket covered phone. An amused accusation about the other rapper trying to sneakily film them prompting Marshall to scoff and reach out for it.

"Probably just the app, shits always opening up to the camera on my phone-"

The rush of comments speeding past the screen and the unmistakeable red dot next to LIVE has Marshall freezing. His wide eyed face fully on screen for 10 seconds before Colson finally pries the phone from his hands to see whats got him so spooked.

Instead of panic, anger is what rushes through Colson's veins. A slew of curses leaving his mouth, before he finally manages to end the live. Phone promptly flying out of his hand against the wall afterwards.

The blonde wants to scream and thrash around. And thats what he does, fingers tearimg at his hair in frustration.

It takes Marshall's fingers softly prying them down for Colson to finally open his eyes again. The utterly terrified look on his partner's face chasing away his residual rage. "Fuck Colson I'm sorry-" its not the first time he's heard Marshall apologize, but it is the first time the man has ever done it while looking so scared of his response.

All the months he'd spent dreaming about his rival making such an expression have nothing on the real thing. And that smug powerful feeling he'd imagined was completely absent now. Just an uncomfortable knot seizing up his chest in it's place.

"I'm not--" his own voice feels tight. Tears threatening to bubble up in his eyes while the reality of the whole situation continues to wash over him. "I'm not mad at you, alright?"

He's mad at the media, at his fans, the rap industry, everything that makes him feel like this little slip up and intimate moment of theirs going viral will ruin their lives.

Colson's sick of hiding who he is and who he's with. Its utter bullshit. Its 2019 for chrissakes, who gives a shit who's banging who? They both make bad ass music either way and liking dick shouldn't change that.

Pushing up off of Marshall, Colson moves to climb off the bed. His hopefully not smashed phone across the room his current focus. But the older rapper snags his wrist and wont let him take more than one step.

And thats when Colson realizes just why Marshall looks so terrified. The man's worried that this is it, that he's going to just leave.

Run away from their problems and abandon the relationship they've been cultivating. Just go full scorched earth.

And that hurts.

So instead the blonde softens his expression and climbs back into bed, onto the other man's lap to hug him tightly. "Fuck Marsh--" He's not about to let the media ruin another relationship. "I love you."

The responding hug is so tight it hurts but Colson doesn't stop. "I fucking love you."

They're falling back onto the bed, legs tangling and Colson's teeth grinding while he rubs his face along the older rapper's shoulder. "I love you"

He doesn't even know what else to say. Now that the words are out it's all his tongue can shape.

"Colson-" Marshall's warm palms are cupping his face, pulling him back so they can stare at eachother

"I love you-" that one hurts the most, maybe because they're eye to eye and just looking at Marshall's soft expression and the possibility of losing it makes him want to crumble. "Please-"

He chokes back a wet sound in the back of his throat before they kiss. Pressing as close as he can, practically trying to glue their mouths together permanently.

Marshall's afraid to lose him just as much. They're idiots for ever thinking it might be a possibilility.

The media can get blown, and so can the industry and their so called fans. The cats out of the bag now and theirs no turning back. If they don't like them together than tough shit. They've both dragged themselves up out of the pits before, this will be no different.

Except, this time they have eachother to lean on.

"I love you to you cornball."

(((Ffffff this sat in my drafts cuz I got distracted by work and life. Im so fucking sorry anon!!!)))

((Also! Thank you anon! For the compliments! Im glad you enjoy my works!))

[hakuryuu]

PLEASE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW (EITHER-OR!) NEW OR RONAH’S ANSWERS FOR THE WHOLE MEME YOU POSTED

NEW 1. How would you (or they) describe their gender, without using standard binary terms?: new would describe her gender as the color the sky gets right before the sunrise gets started in the summer


2. Are they religious?: no…..sort of…….religion is hard one bc gods like Canonically Exist in this world and she Knows This And Believes In Them but she’s not particularly spiritual and doesn’t have one god she’s particularly devoted to AND because of the memory thing she only like vaguely knows that the gods exist at all so sjdflkjs


3. What social media platforms would they use (if in a world where those existed) and what would they use them for? Bonus: What would they get cancelled for?: new would probably have an instagram but not use it very much, she’d maybe post pictures of stuff now and again and she likes to follow people who make cool things but i think she would mostly make an instagram account and then forget about it (bonus: paz and caramel are BIG on twitter)


4. Do they have any weird scars, and how did they get them?: she has a bunch of regular accumulated life-living scars from like scratches and bug bites and falls and stuff, but nothing really weird except for that she doesn’t remember how she got a lot of them


5. What crime are they most likely to be arrested for?: loitering U__U


6. Ok, what crime are they most likely to have actually committed?: trespassing


7. If the one prison phone call thing was real, who would they call?: paz w/o hesitation (paz is the richest and will probably show up with caramel and run anyway)


8. Do they collect anything? What do they collect?: she collects little trinkets and things! usually small emotionally relevant items that are from or remind her of experiences she’s had (her haircutting knife, that portrait of run in her bag, the small bells off her dress, etc)


9. Who would they platonically marry for tax benefits?: PAZ…….


10. What superstition/paranormal entity/conspiracy theory do they believe is 100% real, whether or not they admit it?: i can’t think of anything like this for new im sorryyyyy i’ll come back to this one


11. What’s something embarrassing they did as a child/teenager?: [REDACTED DUE TO MEMORY LOSS]


12. What’s something embarrassing they probably did yesterday?: walked up to someone without looking directly at them, assumed they were run, started talking to them, and then realized that they were just a random stranger and not run


13. What hobby did they try once and give up on? Why?: jewelry-making! she wanted to make more fun earrings and stuff for herself and her friends but she doesn’t have access to many of the right tools for it and the stuff she managed to put together didn’t look how she wanted it to so she just stuck with weaving as a hobby


14. What niche topic do they get incredibly pedantic about?: SJKDGLF THANKS TO HER LIKE WEEK OF RESEARCH AT THE PIPER TOWN LIBRARY THAT ONE TIME SHE KNOWS SO MUCH ABOUT OLD RICH FAMILIES ON PANSIA…..paz will make some offhand comment about a family the mahaleys work at and new will be like. eyes emoji


15. What’s their favorite food to make?: she loves apple cinnamon oatmeal and loves to make it from scratch ;__;


16. What do you think this character’s worst decision was? What does this character think their worst decision was?: New Has Done Nothing Wrong In Her LIFE (SHE thinks her worst decision was agreeing to abandon caramel and run & go with paz when paz left them, even though they ended up turning back pretty quickly)


17. Is there anything you wish the writers had done differently with this character? Why?: I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO SEE THE WRITER GIVE HER SOME MORE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THE SECOND HALF OF FMFY, I THINK THAT SHE AND ALL OF THE CHARACTERS COULD HAVE REALLY BENEFITTED FROM EXPLORING THOSE NEW WEIRD DYNAMICS BEFORE THE CLIMAX OF THE BOOK,


18. What character from another work do you think they’d get along really well with?: within my own works (elise nano extended universe) i think that she would get along with maimou from ttsp (he’s that kind of friendly that would put her at ease and draw her out of her shyness somewhat i think), and outside of my own works i have this vague sense that she might get along with charlotte’s oc io?


19. What character from another work would be their mortal enemy?: not mortal enemy but i think that she and turnadot from lamsm would be at odds because of the like difference in approach they have to everything that’s happening to them and the difference of experience… oh iro i think would get frustrated at her easily i think


20. What’s a headcanon you’ve always wanted to share but none of these ask memes ever ask you about it?: I Am Constantly Sharing All My Headcanons And No One Can Stop Me

---

RONAH 1. How would you (or they) describe their gender, without using standard binary terms?: you know when you light a fire in the snow at night and the light is orange and the shadows are this bright blue? that color


2. Are they religious?: yes! they’re a big believer in the moon and the cycle (ironically….. :( )


3. What social media platforms would they use (if in a world where those existed) and what would they use them for? Bonus: What would they get cancelled for?: gjsdlgjsf i really feel like the closest they have to a social media presence is like. a goodreads account. and then they show up in the background of thrip’s tiktoks sometimes and their brothers reference them in tweets and raiv’s instagram has a lot of selfies with them


4. Do they have any weird scars, and how did they get them?: the only weird scar they have is one on their thigh where they accidentally cut themself mid-switch between elf and wolf forms and it took forever to heal and it’s BRIGHT red


5. What crime are they most likely to be arrested for?: grim answer: being a wolf shifter


6. Ok, what crime are they most likely to have actually committed?: accessory to murder U___U


7. If the one prison phone call thing was real, who would they call?: they’d want to call raiv, but they would call laithe (they would consider calling bliss “walked barefoot across the country to get out of a witchcraft trial” parvo and then immediately decide against it)


8. Do they collect anything? What do they collect?: they have a modest storybook/folktale book collection, just a small shelf of their favorites, but they aren’t really the collecting type


9. Who would they platonically marry for tax benefits?: they would (queer)platonically marry bliss for tax benefits, although honestly bliss is getting the benefit because it means they never have to do taxes again because ronah will do them


10. What superstition/paranormal entity/conspiracy theory do they believe is 100% real, whether or not they admit it?: probably one that they’re kind of embarrassed about but still believe deep down that lonaih and unaech (wolf shifter folk story cornerstones) are still alive and out there somewhere somehow


11. What’s something embarrassing they did as a child/teenager?: they were VERY into performing songs and plays and stuff when they were younger, which is something that they feel kind of silly and embarrassed about now (but they still love to tell stories)


12. What’s something embarrassing they probably did yesterday?: walked around the corner and saw themself in a mirror and scared themself


13. What hobby did they try once and give up on? Why?: music, because it was impractical…. :(


14. What niche topic do they get incredibly pedantic about?: LITERALLY EVERYTHING, THATS LIKE THEIR JOB, I LOVE THEM


15. What’s their favorite food to make?: do you remember that braid of pesto bread iro was briefly eating in the beginning of lle? you might not because i suddenly can’t remember if you read the whole thing or just the kavi chapter, BUT ronah learned how to make that because it’s both iro and thrip’s favorite food


16. What do you think this character’s worst decision was? What does this character think their worst decision was?: i personally think that the decision to actively assist their family in a scheme to murder a moon goddess for revenge isn’t the BEST idea they’ve ever had. ronah thinks their worst decision was leaving raiv behind


17. Is there anything you wish the writers had done differently with this character? Why?: it would be cool if the writer had. written the last three to five chapters of the book they’re in. i think that would have been neat
.

18. What character from another work do you think they’d get along really well with?: i think that they and kavi would bond over a love of family and stories!! w/i my own works i kind of like to think that they would get along with farfara from tayl. sonia from ttsp would also remind them of their family, and i think they’d like her for that


19. What character from another work would be their mortal enemy?: this is niche but the bounty hunter from see me through would hate them


20. What’s a headcanon you’ve always wanted to share but none of these ask memes ever ask you about it?: they used to dye their hair when they were younger!

[ca1e70-deactivated]

a list of my entirely way too niche headcanons ive actually implemented for everyones imagination:

name options ive used and refuse to retire: david elizabeth strider (sometimes i dont feel like being a douche to others and saying thats not his name), harley davidson strider, and david james strider for the sake of simplicity

im not gonna tell yall the like. oc exes ive given him bc thatll take eighteen years. 

i dont rlly have an explanation on the ghost thing besides the fact he just can? ive occasionally pulled from family ghost stories and experiences bc i somehow got landed with family members who lived in a haunted house for a decade and enjoy scaring me with all the stories (including the time my cousin literally died on the kitchen floor from a bronchial spasm and one of the friends that was over asked my aunt later what was up with the old man she saw in the corner of the room that night - my cousin is fine btw shes just a huge bitch and a third grade teacher and i dont like her)

whether or not hes done drugs is based on absolutely nothing besides how im feeling in that moment. either hes the designated driver and sober friend forever or he got fired from his job after doing a line at work during graveyard with some random customers theres no inbetween (this absolutely happened @ waho. if dave works at waho hes a mess of a person and thats on the diner itself.)

ok look i hc dave w/schizophrenia besides when i was 14 i had a hyperfixation with learning about it and then at 16 was prescribed a medication and had side effects so wack my therapist genuinely thought 14 yr old me was onto something and its a weird way to cope with the idea that lady put in my head that i might “develop it in my twenties” which i turn 20 this year and i havent been able to stop obsessing and panicking over the prospect so PLEASE dont come in my inbox calling me ableist im not out here all harley quinn in suicide squad with the voices ok hes medicated, he goes to therapy, the hard fast delusion that lil cal was nearly sentient and informed bro of every single thing dave did no matter how asinine it was is no longer a debilitatingly affecting him ANYWAYS

i actually use the chicken/egg farming family pretty often just because its hilarious to me to give dave like. an actual mom and dad. hes literally an uncle to like three different kids he just never visits because they make fun of his skinny jeans and he hates one of his (incredibly bare-bones ocs all of them) brothers who threatened to bash his head in with a little league bat after dave broke his star wars lego set apart on accident (but not rlly) so their parents were like “why dont you stay with your brother in the big city for a lil while champ” and then they just never picked him back up? and thats on favoritism 

the other one is that his name is actually david reed and hes the middle child of a family of three who literally live the standard golden retriever white middle class life only they went to disney land or something equally as dumb one year when dave was like 6 and he wandered off so bro literally just went “huh free game” because frankly he was an idiot who thought maybe i should take this kid home because its real dangerous in parking lots and then it was too late to NOT have it seem like a kidnapping and thats why daves never had a summer job, seen his birth certificate, or gone to school. but vaguely remembers what kindergarten was like and having a pet dog and calling someone mom as a kid. 

im not making a bullet point about his sex life headcanons just use your imagination and acknowledge the fact bro essentially worked within the sex industry and i enjoy putting dave through trauma as a catharsis 

i stopped doing this one usually but if he did go to school hes been in percussion since fifth grade and played the drums in his high schools jazz band as well as various edgy teenager garage bands he likes to pretend dont have a youtube presence and that hes absolutely never been shirtless in front of plenty of his classmates because he wore a hoodie to a show like an idiot. idk occasionally ill put him in an actual band he doesnt hate but keeps separate from his lil turntechGodhead internet persona (which i will ALSO touch upon in a sec) until they wind up getting looped into a tour with some bigger named band that has a show in *insert beta kid here*’s city and hes gotta come clean solely so he can visit his online friend. sorry derseasterous thats the one time weve ever run into each other and i made him have a crush on one of his bandmates i was in my anti-daverose phase where i made dave a hoe and also didnt want to admit i still loved the ship all these years later 

i hate it so much but you know the whole vr loli trap voice shit that was popular a while ago? hes fucking baller at it for some reason. he did it as a joke while talking to bro and they both about shat their pants. if im feeling real ambitious, hes got a separate soundcloud solely dedicated to doing dumbass rap covers or making his own but in the voice under the pseudonym elizabeth “beth” davids that he will never admit is his. well, he will, but hes gonna be really fucking embarrassed about it. irony or not.

talking abt seperate soundclouds and stuff ive always had it where turntechGodhead was his like. essentially internet fucking persona facade shit he used because we all had that phase where we wanted memorable urls and stuff but also didnt want to totally ignore the nagging fear of people finding you in real life, until it turned into real life ppl finding you on the internet. so he also has basically an adjacent set of social media under the same name but its just a boring username i havent decided on so everyone he knows irl doesnt mix up with what hes made for himself as TG and the people he knows as TG dont know what highschool he goes to. (this occasionally comes with the territory of ppl on parp being pissed that daves “lying” or “hiding things” from his friends as if he was doing it out of spite instead of just keeping embarrassing tagged photos and videos from football games or when he ate shit at the skatepark from fucking with his “rap career”)

every once in a while i get on a kick where hes just german. like, i just replace houston texas with hamburg germany and have him apply to a university in whatever state is applicable for whoever im chatting with and it goes from there? sometimes he moved when he was little and went through the whole visa thing, sometimes he didnt go through the visa thing, sometimes hes a dual citizen because of family and shit, its all dependent on what suits the situation best. 

one that ive been fucking with for a while but hardly break out (until recently with like 5 roses in the span of one day hell yeah) is that he has a neighbor at the end of the hall who is like a thousand year old witch lady that hes basically adopted as his mother figure in lieu of not having one and shes totally cool with it, especially bc when she kicks the bucket she fully plans on giving dave all her occult stuff so her figure-skating coach and realtor daughter doesnt sell it at a garage sale and lets it all go to waste. she also once brought rose up by name in a conversation without any prompting of her existence which dave didnt realize for days, and then one time cryptically stopped and stared at an empty space in the wall, went “she has potential, you know.” then looked at him sitting on her kitchen counter with a smile “lots of it” and hes thought about that weekly ever since. (it is important to note one of the occult items he leaves her is literally her own personal book of shadows shes been filling out for decades its like a 600 page leatherbound book dave has no idea what its used for but the sheer amount of homemade spells and etc in it is like. gonna murder rose the second this chick gets her hands on it i promise you.)

theres the standard strife shit? im not rlly gonna get into those theyre all basically cookie cutter bullshit. its just standard bro and dave abuse talk. i like to inclulde the whole 24hr live cam up in the apartment that definitely watches dave in every room besides his own and the bathroom, but that quickly delves into the prospect of middle-aged men stalking him online and basically sexually harassing him in his own god damn home by talking about how they can see him just trying to take his shoes off in the living room after getting home and frankly? its not one of my best takes! but once you throw it into the headcanon bin, its there forever. 

he actually really does do something with his photography but not enough to warrant anything exciting, but he has his own branding for it and regularly takes pictures of his friends or anything else he thinks is moderately interesting enough to take pictures of, but those are just thrown into shoeboxes under his bed in favor of posting genuine shots because he wants to keep his image intact and blurry photos of jade smiling in the tree they climbed up together while bec paws at the base of it while whining isnt exactly something he wants the whole world to see.

i also pretty often but him into either paleontology OR i put him down as trying to become a mortician because he thinks handing roadkill once he graduated from museum giftshop specimens to doing his own taxidermy on the side has prepared him enough to perform an occasional autopsy and start embalming real human corpses. (sometimes i put my own desires in and make them his bc i have to project at some point and put him through the same EMT course i dropped out of bc it was one semester and he already has pretty decent first aid skills, but he definitely didnt expect it to be as fucking wild at times as it is, but whats he gonna do? get a job back at waffle house? the company hes working for just offered to pay like half his associates in paramedicine tuition and hes already got all his pre-recs done when he started for paleo. at least its a stable job and hes got the ability to be compassionate in the moment) 

im running out of things that ive done to the poor kid. OH 

hes not a virgin he had a girlfriend all four years of high school (shes also one of his optional and designated exes plz keep up) and their relationship ends in one of two ways: she dies in a car accident a week before their high school graduation, or she stops talking to him entirely a week after their high school graduation until a couple years later she gets into (guess what) a car accident with her current wife/girlfriend and dies which leaves behind their daughter. who just so happens to also be daves daughter. her name is hannah and i love her like my own but no one ever likes her and thats on the conditioning of dirk. does dave end up taking her in? yes. shes awesome and the first time he takes her to the park to like run off some fucking steam she disappears for two minutes and dave is moderately terrified until she comes back holding a dead baby squirrel and thats the moment he realizes huh maybe things really do be genetic.

ok at the bottom of the list im gonna add the couple of times hes been a camboy which usually coincides with the live apartment cam thing and the amount of people in his dms calling him hot or whatever, but typically its more of a started the day he turned 18 and basically dipped around 20 in favor of showing up randomly with no warning to complain about a video game dick in hand because it gives him an outlet that wont annoy his friends bc this is the fifteenth time hes had a lot to say this week about a certain boss battle and also the comments fuel his ego and daddy issues.

the last one wasnt the bottom but literally unless its explicitly proven otherwise every time anyone rps with me there is the underlying fact dave strider was a goalie on his high school lacrosse teams all four years and (shocker another one) definitely had the hots for one of his teammates like major hots like first gay experience hots. like it was painfully obvious that teammate also liked him back hots. like one night at a team sleepover one of the other guys was like can yall just makeout and get it over with were fucking tired and dave really had the balls to be offended and ask what the fuck they were talking about while literally sitting halfway in the mans lap bc for some reason they had to share the same chair. 

he is also guilty until proven innocent of being the worlds biggest loner outside of that sports team and even though hes literally a jock he still opts to eat his lunch alone in the hallway or something like that and has a tendency to leave girls on read, but bc hes got an in with the rest of the jocks hes basically drug around to plenty of parties and since hes conventionally attractive enough and popular in the aloof way that he is, hes got plenty of tagged insta posts and twitter directs and snapchat streaks going. 

THESE WERE ALL NO GAME AND DONT INVOLVE SHIPS BC I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN AND THEYRE LITERALLY ALL BASED OFF RPS IVE DONE I HOPE YALL JUDGE ME ACCORDINGLY

[werenotadulting]

Hello K and Bun! I hope you two are having a wonderful day. I just want to know, when did you two discover your AB/DL side? Was it difficult to accept at first? Did either of you have any kind of confidant who helped/supported you in this walk?

Why hello! We are having a wonderful day, and hope you are as well :)

I (DK) have been into diapers since I was 7 years old, as that was when my little brother was born and the first time that diapers were readily available at my house. For my entire life up until a few years ago, it was not easy. My interest in diapers was always something I felt I needed to hide, and it closed me off from making legitimate connections with most people. That, coupled with the fact that there was little to no community presence online for ABDLs back then, made me feel very much like an outcast.

When I turned 18 and was finally able to be a part of the online community, this unfortunately got worse. Going onto ABDL sites consumed me. If I wasn’t in class or at work, I was thinking about diapers, and browsing diaper sites, and trying to find people online to talk to about diapers, and none of it was healthy. I didn’t have a balance in my life of normal college kid and diaper lover. Diapers ruined all of my relationships with my girlfriends (save one obviously) as they could tell I was hiding something or just generally wasn’t happy, because I couldn’t be myself. So I spent the year before I met LB trying to get some semblance of balance in my life back, because diapers should be an aspect of you as a person, not a core feature.

My only confidant has ever been LB. I decided in the time before meeting her that I was going to tell my next girlfriend, as keeping it to myself wasn’t working. And that was a lot easier said than done, as it took me several months before I knew I could trust her enough to know my biggest secret. With help from the advice of @daddyiwantthis’s podcast, I was finally able to get across exactly what being ABDL meant to me, because the first time I totally just skimmed the surface and tried to get it over with. Because I was finally okay with myself, my communication with LB was so much better, and our relationship has grown and evolved to what it is today :) this got longer than intended, sorry for the novel lol

-DK

Now for my (LB) side of the story: so I was not an ABDL when I met DK, in fact I was actually a virgin too so I was about as vanilla as you could be. So the way DK framed it to me, he made it seem like he had been raped as a child or that he killed someone or something. He made it seem like this horrible thing so at first, it really freaked me out and it made me feel sick to even think about it because of how much he seemed to hate himself for it. I, however, was like what the fuck, thats it? He made it this huge central part of his personality and it just wasn’t. Not to take all the credit here, but I think I really helped to get him out of this deep self hatred hole he was in. He continued to hide in social media and such which created alot of problems and I could tell he was not comfortable at all with me. So we had MANY discussions and deep late night talks and we worked it out and he learned how I really felt about it. I hate how it happened and what it did to him, but being an ABDL is completely harmless and frankly, really fucking adorable. As I got more into it, he was able to let go a little more and I just kinda realized that I love being an abdl and now I’m little much more often than him. I used to ask him all the time, “what do you like?” And wouldnt stop until hed say diapers. Now he can say diapers without any hesitation or shame and I would say we have a really great balance of a ddlg/mdlb/normal relationship. So was it hard to accept? Yes but only because of how much shame he had attached to it. Was it hard to accept for myself? No. I am very lenient on him anyways and its really just my personality and I tend to be little naturally so its normal for me. Diapers took a little longer, as they are not a kink of mine but I LOVE how little they make me feel so I do like to wear them. Me and him and all of you are the only ones who know about this and that’s exactly the way it needs to stay. We support each other and you guys all help (: -LB

[handslows]

Pretty sure no one should be tolerating the beards when we know how nasty Eleanor was especially towards Harry and then the story of how Danielle basically forced herself on Louis in public came out (plus, if you stick to the narrative, she did cheat on him), and to me both those girls are ugly since they chose to help closet a person. So yeah there's really no reason to be tolerating either of them

ok but like. listen.

this is gonna be long because yall are exhausting me and miss the point every fucking time

i never liked eleanor bc she was annoying and said nasty things about fans and larries and her friends were terrible esp. max. we only heard these bad stories about what she allegedly said about harry AFTER they broke up too. so i didnt particularly like her and she had done her fair share of bad shit across the years but that doesnt mean ppl can say shit about her looks?? which no one did btw. people were far kinder to eleanor than they ever been to danielle.

the thing with danielle is for months and months and months she NEVER said a single word about louis and never posted about him on social media and NEVER interacted with fans (still hasnt). she was just there. but people still spent HOURS talking shit about how bad her shoes and clothes and facial expression were. which was just super unnecessary and nasty. you can not like someone for the job they are doing but attacking a young woman for how she looks is just really fucking low. so i always stood out against that, against the completely unnecessary criticisms. because you know these were not personal criticisms against her, these people wouldve said more or less the same shit about any woman because they dont like what she represents. so yeah, it really fucking annoyed me.

i also lost followers and mutuals for being done with people’s bullshit. people kept projecting so many intentions on her like, people were legit talking like she was forcing herself into louis’ family house bc she was so ‘desperate’. some posts even sounded as if she tricked louis into taking a pic so she could post it on her insta like??? calling her non-expressive resting face ‘smug’ on every pap pics??? like JFC shes not smug shes just!! existing!!! if everyone saw my resting face theyd all call me a bitch. and if she was smiling then she was desperate. so smug or desperate, what a luck. people were losing their fucking minds. i never gave a shit about her, i thought she was a pretty girl doing an annoying job and i wanted her gone as much as everyone else but thats it. except for being a beard (which btw we dont know the details of the contract between the two no matter how much ppl tried to blame her for everything thats bad in the world) she didnt do ANYTHING publicly that was annoying enough or on par with eleanor except existing. people mocked her over how she swung her bag for like, 2 weeks. 

the story of danielle allegedly forcing herself on louis happened LATE 2016, like november?? and only got discussed on tumblr like, a month ago, so you using this as an argument is weak. There was no reason to preemptively hate danielle because of this story back in january 2016 no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your hate was justified. everyone was just being nasty and bitter and going crazy over babygate and losing sight of what their priorities are. that’s it.

even if people had “receipts” on her prior to that that would justify why they hate an unknown nonfamous 21 years girl so much, they never shared it with the fandom as a whole and therefore, the fandom as a whole did not have any reason to hate her this much. literally the only story i heard is that apparently she was rude to a waiter in a restaurant. omg!!! bring out the torches!! this totally justify you spending hours mocking her face!!!! unless youre telling me that “big larries hated her therefore we all hated her too” because thats just sad and another problem altogether. so yeah dont try to use that as a reason of why you said nasty shit about her appearance back in february 2016.

i dont even know why im saying this because…having reasons to hate her will never justify the amount of absolutely deranged comments ive read about the way she looks. it was and will always be totally uncalled for and i cant believe how far this fandom went, i cant believe the stuff adults have written about this thinking it was ok. if she is that much of a terrible person there has to be more shit you can say about her than your subjective opinion that her resting face looks “smug” and that shes desperate for being in the presence of louis. i also cant believe how much people mocked her for not being famous enough even though a recurrent role in tv show is more than most people can achieve and when yall know you wouldve hated her for being famous if she was. so, eleanor was bad because she was non-famous using louis’ money and not going to school, taylor is bad because shes too famous and using 1d and harry’s name for her own career and danielle had a recurrent role in a popular franchise and that still was not ok for yall. i get the point is that youre never gonna “like” any beard no matter what her job is because you hate beards but just ADMIT IT and find other things to talk about instead of making up reasons why shes a bad person.

so, honestly, this isn’t about danielle at all. i dont care about her feelings or whatever. my problems is that for months ive read thousands of comments criticizing this girl for doing ANYTHING. and the worst is that when i was telling people they should probably calm down and that attacking a girl for how she looks is not cool at all, i got hate and lost followers and had mutuals indirecting me. because apparently having human decency was too much for people to handle. because apparently people still dont get that criticizing a girl for how she looks and dress as bigger far-reaching consequences in the long run. for months ive had to see people spreading bullshit and lies about her just because of their assumptions. 

and this goes for briana too. that girl is awful and did a lot of fucked up shit and i totally support talking shit about her AS LONG AS ITS FOCUS ON THE BAD THINGS SHES DOING. ive also been disgusted at comments towards briana or ashley shaming her for how they look and i dont find it more acceptable just because i hate them too. theres a line and yall crossed it, like, 12 months ago.

im not saying you have to tolerating neither of them now because of you what found out, im just saying that what you DIDNT KNOW a year ago cannot be used to justify what you did back then. 

anyway this isnt about danielle this is about how i still can’t believe i lost hundreds of followers and dozens of mutuals because i argued that talking shit about how she looks was not valid criticism and was a harmful behaviour. 

and if you still don’t think that’s fucked up and still wanna defend that nasty behaviour from last year i can’t help you.

[onelastlace]

An open letter

Dear lover that almost was but wasn’t,

We were off to a good start, but we did move quickly in the beginning. It was partially my fault I will admit. I shouldn’t have kissed you that way the first or the second time. We talked and things slowed down to a manageable pace I’d believe. Kisses on the cheek and I asked every time if I could kiss and hug you. I was in a heart eyed state and couldn’t get any happier. I stayed up late because I enjoyed talking to you. No one had spoiled me with compliments and a love so sweet it could have given me cavities. You respected my boundaries knowing I couldn’t actually date. You seemed like the one person that would wait for that time to roll around. You never took advantage of that and I was so happy you were a different experience. Months went by and you were still present and showering me with admiration.

You were the first person I fully opened up to about things that happened in the past. All my regrets and mistakes that are permanently engraved in my memories. Not only did you listen, you gave back the same amount of energy. You showed me I wasn’t alone although our difficulties were different. You showed me something I think is very sacred and that moment made me want to keep you forever. Many more interesting conversations happened from then on and it was wonderful.

Then that whole situation happened. To be fairly honest, I thought I was going to lose you to circumstance. I thought everything I’d come to appreciate would be gone forever. I thought you were a liar through all of it. But then you gave another part of yourself to me and I felt guilty for being so selfish. For thinking I was the problem, but I didn’t know until you told me. Then I thought I was being annoying. I wanted to be a part of your life but I wasn’t allowed to because I couldn’t actually spend time with you.

I started to get jealous of the love you had for that girl. I felt used still. You couldn’t have her so it felt like you just settled. That’s the resolve I reached after you shut me out once again. I knew you were depressed and still in pain, but you still wanted her no matter what you said. I didn’t know how I fit into your life anymore. I always asked if we were friends but you’d never respond. You never gave me an answer to just that question. It’s all I wanted to know, was I a friend or just a naive convenience? I knew I was right from the start when I had asked you what would happen if a friend of yours had a crush on you and I was still around.

Then you got better. Conversations were still spotty and you gave me attitude all the time but I still stayed. I became bitter and depressed. I was heart broken. I was still feeling stupid for caring so much about someone and giving away so much of myself only to be rejected later. I felt like I messed up by saying anything. To expose so much of who I am and then be shunned spun everything out of control for me. You started to post about feeling used and unappreciated. About how you’d never find someone to love you or prioritize you. How you’d be alone forever.

You got even better. Found a replacement for her. But you still wanted her. You wanted both old and new. But I wasn’t either of those. Where do I fit in again? I still didn’t know. Was your intention to hurt me with every word you said? This new girl had a closer relationship with you. Fair, you all were friends prior and have the same classes and schoolwork. Fair that she was pregnant and the baby’s father wasnt worth shit. Still didn’t make me any less bitter. I wanted to not be confused. She was nice enough and she was pretty, but why did you feel the need to ask me what I thought about her.

Then you later tell me you love her. Correction: you have love for her. I try to show interest instead of acting wicked. I ask about the child, her, and how your relationship with all that will work out. You told me he’d be your nephew. You said he’d call you uncle. I knew that wasn’t true. I told you you’d fall in love with that baby “Daddy”. I knew you’d love your “son” more than anything. But I refused to be bitter towards a child who didn’t ask to be brought into this world under those circumstances. I refused to be jealous over a woman who you’re not dating or romantically involved with. But, you do things that make it difficult. You did things that made you seem like a lot of what you told me was a lie just so you could get close to me. Then you continue to vague post on media outlets that you feel rejected, lonely, and unappreciated. That clearly made me feel wonderful. I thought I was doing an alright job with what I could. I guess it wasn’t the case.

Yes, I had decided to be bitter. Yes, I thought it’d be the best option for me. It clearly wasn’t. People got hurt and I lost your trust. You said you’d no longer have my back which was a big wake-up call about my attitude. It pushed me to be aware of what I was doing and be more positive. There were several times in the course of months where I wanted to hurt myself, but I thought of how that caused my last relationship to play out. Instead, I found healthier ways to cope with stress and all the negative emotions. I became happier and more social. I found out who used to hate me but they now enjoy my presence. I’m not a bitch to them. My attitude did suck, but I’ve worked to improve upon it. I tried my hardest to not speak negatively on anyones name. Especially yours. I had done so originally out of bitterness and anger. I hold my tongue now and I dont take things too seriously.

Things were going amazingly. Although you rarely worked, I was losing my attachment to you. I was becoming a more open, wonderful person. I let your attitudes slide past me. I didn’t read into what you were doing. Nothing you could do made me upset. Then you came back. Your son was born and I could feel the negativity coming back in. You continued to talk so much about this girl and your son. I still didn’t speak on it because it wasn’t my business. I’m happy for the joy you received but the news didn’t exactly apply to me. I couldn’t understand how I could be happy for someone that has a more defined role in your life. And now there was a more apparent (pun) bond holding you two together.

More time goes by. You’re acting out on snapchat posting less about feeling lonely. You still weren’t talking to me all too often and I was actually okay with that. Then you kept sending pictures of your baby mama. Why would you do such a thing? Were you trying to show me that that’s who you wanted instead? That thats who was going to get all your time. I didn’t understand and I was hurt again. You kept posting her and showing how much you love her. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt not enough. It felt like I failed again.

So I lost more feelings. I was just floating through life and taking whatever came at me. Life was okay I’d say.

I got permission to date and I thought you’d be all over that. Or at least a little interested. I was definitely wrong about that.

I don’t know what to say. We did those things in your car that I in no way regret. I wanted to do those things and I still want to. But it’s for the best that I hold myself back no matter how much it crosses my mind. I wanted to make you genuinely happy for once. I dont know if it worked. I didn’t want you to do the same because it would have been too intimate. I love you, but you don’t love me so that part of myself is for myself. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s to preserve something in myself at least. I did enjoy messing around, but it got difficult knowing that I’m going into it with feelings and it seems you’re just going into it with only hormones. I don’t know what’s on your mind. You just say it’s a lot so I don’t dig deeper. I tried not to be one of the crazy stalker girlfriends you see posted on instagram. I did fall into that trap for a little bit.

Now very recently, you’ve begun to be kinder. You’ve become more playful again. You’ve come back a little bit to what used to be. I missed what used to be. But things happened for me to keep myself guarded. What if you switch up again because you proved that you can. You proved that you have the ability to break my heart although you said you weren’t a heart breaker. Funny story, everyone I dated(ish) said that and they all left. But pettiness aside, how do i know it’s genuine? I still don’t know what you’re thinking or your plans anymore. I don’t ask because you didn’t feel the need to open up the last few months, so it’d make sense I’d lower my curiousity. You said we can’t go back to being just friends, but were we ever really?

You’re always in a good mood when you post yourself singing on snap. Strange enough, they’re love type songs or the specific set of lyrics involve being in it with someone. I could be reading too far into it because I’m still blinded by someone I used to call my favorite person. I used to love talking about how attractive and sweet you are, but now I feel like a damn fool. Actually, no I don’t. That was months ago.

I love you so much, but I don’t even know where we stand. I want to say we’re friends, but do you even see us that way? Am I just your coworker? Am I just some bitch who gave you head in the dark? Am I just one of your lil hoes you have blowing up your phone? I don’t think you’d see me in that way, but I don’t know what you think of me anymore. I didn’t move on as fast as you think because im still stuck on you. I still can see something more. If anything, you’re the one who moved on quickly and left me behind. But again, only you know what you’re thinking.

-still confused

P.S. there are many things I do love about you that make you more attractive in my eyes. I love that you’re helpful, you’re funny, you enjoy things usually considered nerdy, you sing even when you know you can’t, you stay determined and motivated, and you share with me things that most people don’t know about you. It makes me feel special, but still uncertain. Things are returning the way they were and I like that, but I'm also apprehensive. It'll take a lot more work this time. It’d be nice to continue loving you and doing so more openly but I will respect and honor whatever decision we come out to.

[pursuinglifelibertyandhappiness]

My Social Media Presence

If you’re reading this, you’re part of the omnipresent reign of social media, and have probably wondered at some point if being SO connected is for the better…or the worse. The antiques who once lived without social media often argue it harms more than it helps, but unfortunately (at least for millennials) the online world feels inescapable. Our choice isn’t social media or no social media, its how much of which ones.

The pressure of social media tormented me when I was first introduced. I had no idea who I wanted to be and couldn’t figure out which of my peers I was supposed to please. I had my family, who only expected pictures of them and cat memes…my friends, who expected bitter commentary and self-deprecating humor…the rest of my school, who expected selfies and proof of how much fun I was having…ex-boyfriends, who expected pictures of other boys posted to make them jealous…my family’s church friends, who expected bible verses and albums of volunteer work…the list goes on. I had my mom forcing me to delete tweets with curse words in them or Instagram pictures where I showed too much skin. I had cousins texting my parents because I joked about a box of condoms on snapchat. I had kids I went to Sunday school with calling me a whore, their parents blaming my upbringing. I found myself for a long time dividing up the medias, for example Twitter is for my friends, Instagram is for my school, Facebook is for my family. I’d block my parents on this one, follow them on the other. I was young (still am) and trying to express versions of my self that I had not figured out how to balance.

Again and again I was plagued by the same question. How do you genuinely exist in a viral world, where the sole purpose is to judge and be judged by others?

Social media goes against every moral I’ve ever been taught. Don’t be yourself. Don’t tell the truth. Keep it superficial. Judge books by their covers.

We feel threatened by people who look happier, healthier, more beautiful, more successful than us, and feel self assured by the promiscuous, poor, embarrassing, less polished people. We so easily compare ourselves to people we do not know. She has perfect skin and tons of designer shoes, we wish we could be so happy. They all have blue eyes and a golden retriever, we wonder where our families went wrong. He has 20,000 followers, we doubt he’s ever felt alone. We think social media allows us to see more, know more, show more, but we know nothing about the people we see on our phone screens. Were failing to meet standards that are likely not real.

Social media sustains a state of jealousy, where you either envy others or want them to envy you.

Social media reinforces a singular "correct" lifestyle, one every one has to live for approval.

Social media removes us from the moment by only valuing memories. Social media is an outlet for hate, for shame, for rejection. Social media is a platform for societal norms, what is ok and not ok to post, what is ok and not ok to BE.

But social media also allows a single voice to be heard by millions. Unlike life, social media gives us control of our reputation. On social media we write our own stories. We paint whatever picture we want the world to see.

At 18, I’ve decided I no longer want to paint 7 different pictures for 7 different crowds, write fictional stories, or censor my personality. I want to be all that I am, all the time. I want to use social media to capture who I am, but also support the break down of standards I have no desire to achieve.

I will not pretend I always have it together, instead I’ll post a four paragraph essay about my mental illness. I do care if your political beliefs attack human rights, so I’ll make sure to retweet all the anti-trump shit I see for the next four years. I don’t believe embracing my sexuality and loving the skin I’m in means I do not respect myself, or value my other qualities any less, and I’ll post as many pictures in bras as I feel empowered to.

If you ask me "Is this how you want the world to see you?" I’ll say absolutely. I’m proud of who I am, how I dress, how I feel, who I date, and everything thats shaped me along the way.

If I hold back myself in fear of the lens others will see me through, I’m only giving power to those lenses.

And if you have the right to judge me by your standards, I have the right to judge me by mine.