#that's why nobody wants to be around me
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The painting I've been working on for way too long has started to look like shit and all I want to do is punch it to death and then burn the remains
#wasted the last six hours on a trash painting just making it worse#just a big reminder that I paid way too much for an art degree that didn't teach me shit#why do I keep trying to do portraits when I am terrible at them#garbage artist#I've had to cover it with a pillowcase so I can't look at it#honesty thank god I never had the balls to finish my great big portrait piece because i would have fucked that up too#i am incapable of not fucking things up#that's why nobody wants to be around me#the self-loathing is deep tonight#if someone also wanted to punch me to death and burn the remains I'd be pretty open to it#fuck i was also supposed to take a new set tonight but I got so wrapped up in painting and now it's too late and I have to go to bed soon
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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society if we boarded planes back to front window to aisle in an orderly fashion instead of splitting up the boarding groups based on ticket class and esoteric customer loyalty rankings
#why does first class even WANT to board first. why do you want to be stuck in that thing a minute longer than necessary#d#standing around in the aisle while the people in front of me struggle in and out of seats and hunt for bin space#has gotta be one of the worst aspects of airline travel#meanwhile you can see nobody has even made it to the back of the plane yet. bc all the people in the back are at the back of the line.#makes no damn sense I hate it so
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im not saying all of my posts are bangers, but its hard not to notice that posts i make about other companions easily break 100 notes no sweat, with the upper limit breaching 1k, to outliers of well over 4k, but whenever it's about wyll, it's crickets. i dunno, youre allowed to interact with anything you want to, and this isnt a call to reblog from me, specifically, this is the same for a lot of wyll orientated posts ive seen, but its just odd. and by odd i mean racist.
#the tomes#bg3#bg3 wyll#wyll ravengard#wyll bg3#baldurs gate wyll#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gate 3#ive went back and forth on whether or not to post abt this bc i dont want it to come off like WHY is nobody REBLOGGING from ME#but i want to emphasize thats not what im saying#im saying when i see my other posts take off when theyre about white people you notice when they dont for the black character#and like yeah i dont have a TON of wyll posts#theyre mostly about gale -looks at url- obviously#but i dont have a ton for halsin or astarion either and yet they have no trouble#and to a lesser extent this kinda happens with the female characters too#i dont see a lot of fan content for them#also i wasnt sure if my wyll stuff just maybe isnt as good as my other stuff#but when im consistently seeing positive feedback for everyone BUT wyll it does make u wonder#my wyll stuff does about the same as my solo tav stuff#which is fine irt to the solo tav stuff as much as i obviously want ppl to take interest and im not going to pretend i dont#its not like theyre a canon character to anyone but me so i honestly dont take offence to that#but its weird that wyll - a canon character - does about the same as my ocs when nobody really KNOWS my ocs#its not that my wyll posts get NO engagement#but my wyll posts and my tav posts normally sit at around 50ish notes#which i think is perfectly respectable for an oc post#but WYLL??
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Man I'm so tired of this talk
#minitextz#this is about 'it's not normal for women to have leg hair/body hair' or something idk#funny thing is that i have more hair on my arms and nobody ever told me anything about that but they all#draw the line at leg and armpits like ok?? what's the difference then#like. why do you care so much. hair grows on women for the same reason it does for anybody else it's the human body we're talking about#genuinely sad that this talk is still around in 2024. i just want to go out man. the first thing i notice when looking and people is NOT#how much body hair they have. why the hell would i care about that#deleting this later#sorry for the rant it's just so so tiring to hear this everytime
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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Me: -acts affectionately-
Me: ….. but they know I don’t mean it romantically, right???
#pix habla#frick#this is why friendships get awkward for me some times I don’t want people to misunderstand and feel uncomfortable#Im sorry yyyyyyyyyyyyyy#ok well that’s one of my biggest fears#-w- and then i mess up#i seriously don’t know how to act around friends anymore#i know how to act around my friends who’ve I’ve known for years but I seriously struggle with anyone else#i hope nobody takes it personally#why is everything so awkward nowadays#why cant i be normal and know how to act around people#asexuality#-wheeze-#is there a group therapy for asexual people I can just go to#i would love that
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horror's jacket fluff has probably accumulated so much DISGUSTINGNESS over 7 years in it that it's managed to acquire it's own signature Dog Smell (TM). however i think this would be a prime opportunity to pet him and then get some of that disgusting smell on you because for some reasons Dog Smell is just unavoidable when you pet a dog with a lot of hair
he'd hate it but awww awww whos a good boy (ノ´∀`*) whos a good boy (*≧∪≦) YOU ARE!!! awww so cute you didn't commit all those murders against innocent people you were innocent ( ̄▽ ̄)/ such a good boy!!!! (gets beheaded) (he got too embarrassed)
#forcing the dog horror agenda down people's throats#CAT DOG RABBIT TRIO I SCREAM INTO THE DISTANCE#cat and dog run circles chasing eachother around the sleeping rabbit (MURDER TIME TRIO REAL TRUST I WAS THE AIR)#THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME. guess where the inspiration came from. THATS RIGHT (triglycercule owns a dog) (for context)#my favorite recurring theme i keep on bringing up 4 some reason is horror not wanting 2 be treated like hes feral or animalistic#he is a rational man. he can think for himself. he isn't a DOG. SO THEN STOP TREATING HIM LIKE HE'S NOTHING MORE THAN SOME CAGED CANINE#(glares at killer and dust. dust simply looks off to the side (not paying attention) and killer slightly smiles bigger (creep))#it would be SO fucking demeaning. something killer does to horror to piss him off EASILY#leave it to killer to find a way to get on horror's nerves all the time. thank god dust is much less pissy than horror 🙏#can just SEE the thought bubble of horror as a dog above dusts head#he wouldn't verbalize it (because why would he need to) but dust can see the dog parallels (truly like me)#maybe he'd say it on an off day when theyre all feeling chill and its dead silent#someone's gotta be the calm one out of the three maniacs and why not let it be the rationally insane one ‼️‼️‼️#and theyre all just like chilling. horror's organizing the pantry. killer's playing a cat game on his phone. dust's reading#and then he just says to nobody in particular. horror reminds me of a dog#it's almost as if nobody reacts when horror turns around flabbergasted??? as if nobody said anything!!!!!#because dust is still reading and killer's still on his phone!!! WHAT!!!! and horror's just like ever so slightly irritated and weirded out#but...... its a good day. its been chill. maybe he just imagined that. and he goes back to his thingy#and dust just ever so slightly smiles. killer's actually been looking at horror ever since dust said that (the blank sockets hide his gayze#and in his head hes like..... damn. dust is right tf i do see it??????#kemonomimi mtt when. when do i get to see them with animal ears and tails that i approve they would fit in????#triglycercule you have to do it yourself.WHAT!!! NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO (disintegrates) (imagine that ashy baby photo)#i felt like killer typing out that second paragraph. its like i can hear his voice saying it as i type. its like i can see his smug face#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule hc#i mean killer and dust are mentioned in tags so its whatever DONT KILL ME DONT GUILLOTINE ME OK SORRY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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abt to say smthng deranged
but ive reverted to accepting my fate here especially since im really really lazy and stupid and just want to draw but the only sharp thing still poking at my sides is wanting to transition and how I know as soon as my birthday rolls around I'll wish I had done anything to get out and start that, while sobbing hysterically over how the years just keep passing me by in that regard. 14 years. 15 years. And many many more.
But at the same time its like. I wouldnt want to claw my way out solely to transition (which at this point would be the sole positive thing about leaving). Because whats the point. I want to be transitioned before I really look for or accept love, yes, but moving out and doing so wouldn't lead to that I dont think. Id be living the same life im living here, but Worse and more exhausting. So i also dont see the worth in fighting to do it.
I feel those 2 views are at odds, but, like, its never enough to do things just for myself even if I really need it. It always has to be in relation to someone else. There would not be a someone else so why bother. Im not finding love while I live here so it doesn't Really matter if i cant do it, but this wouldnt change if i left so why would I fight for it. Why be the true version of me if I have nobody to share Me with (especially considering it will ostracize me from most everyone else I love.) I dont know
#i feel this doesnt make sense but idk#its like how i would not have gotten a car at all if it wasnt for Someone i wanted to be able to drive around#if they visited#its the same here. i feel so incomplete without transition and my life cant begin without it#if anyone took interest in me now it would feel hollow until i was actually myself#but nobody is taking interest Now#and if i moved out solely to transition its not like changing locations would suddenly change anything.#so why bother. why do it. its going to be the same anyway#why make my life harder for no reason#why decorate a place you'll always have to leave why deep clean a home nobody will ever visit but You.#theres no point if its just You.#thsi also extends to a lot of things like how i want to paint but cant unless its for someone else#ill draw a billion characters Standing There for a friend before i do 1 for myself bc i dont see the point or Worth#delete later#it was a horrendous experience overall but id never been more motivated to do something than when i had a ''partner''...#nothing made me more willing to turn my entire life around. ill go back to school and study some miserable shit that#will make me rich so I can spend it on You and make You happy. i would not do this for myself.#im not doing anything for myself right now. no use in doing anything for that guy he doesnt deserve it
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Tag drop: Aventurine.
#aventurine. [ mr. cavalier gambler: uptight. overcautious. inferiority complex. you've won so much but you're still so afraid of losing. ]#aventurine: ic. [ they see only the straight flush. they don't know the other hand below the table clutching your chips for dear life. ]#aventurine: inquiries. [ time to make a move my friend. say goodbye before you shuffle off. it's… best to die without regrets. ]#aventurine: countenance. [ now go. and pick the clothes that you like. then choose your desired identity and use them well. ]#aventurine: introspection. [ “sleep is the rehearsal of death”? why does life slumber? because we are not ready for the final rest. ]#aventurine: meta. [ the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. but you've never gone in any other direction. ]#aventurine: little notes. [ you will keep winning; having never lost before. but why you? why... must it be you? ]#aventurine: wishes. [ even if the chance of winning is close to zero. well... you can't win if you don't play; right? ]#aventurine: etc. [ the chance… no matter how small: the potential is what you hang onto. that is what justifies the gamble. ]#aventurine: ipc. [ … i'll give you that and much more than that. the ipc will give you whatever you want. even what you don't want. ]#aventurine: trio. [ three cornerstones who for a measly penacony... offered their everything. you're more united than the family. ]#aventurine: astral express. [ friends: the game has commenced and you cannot choose to decline… nor do you have grounds to. ]#aventurine: fate. [ if the dice of fate are always weighted then that is our destiny. why then... do we struggle against it? ]#aventurine: past. [ our paths will cross again beneath kakava's shimmering auroras. farewell: kakavasha. ]#aventurine: luck. [ he's only drunk on the moment that makes his very life quiver. hell is only one decision away from heaven. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ i never expected the beautiful and kind-hearted director topaz to resort to distorting concepts like that. ]#aventurine: topaz. [ but since i survived i realized: wherever you go that's where i'll follow; nobody's promised tomorrow. ] immobiliter.#aventurine: jade. [ it's often used as a counterfeit for jade. but it looks like jade… can be substituted for aventurine too. ]#aventurine: veritas ratio. [ unfortunately for him; i make for a more competent conversationalist than the other dimwits around here. ]#aventurine: black swan. [ nothing remains hidden from you… does it? i will find my place in the web of your schemes; memokeeper. ]#aventurine: sunday. [ is this what the harmony represents? is it built upon constraint and coercion? ]#aventurine: acheron. [ only by casting aside reason does one truly gamble. “emanator” — I know you'll match my wager. ]#aventurine: v. youth. [ but the sun could not kill me and the quicksand sent me back to the embrace of the guild and the ipc. ]#aventurine: v. penacony. [ i seem that way because i am nervous. maybe you can help. what do you say; put our palms together a last time? ]#aventurine: v. future. [ the once falling die has at last landed on its earthly rest. quietly… peacefully: it at last landed. ]#tag drop#[ ... i wanted to add in a tag for robin. but i think that may have to come personalized. ]#[ /rubs hands together. lets see if any of these are broken. ]#aventurine: robin. [ so she sings; but does she dance? ] avaere.#[ okay i changed my mind-- there's a robin tag. ]
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sometimes self care is drawing your own custom card holder cover
#oh ghostroach lovers u r in luck#my hairpin is the glue holding my id card together and not snapping open 😌#one more week and my internship will end...#which means more time to draw!! until my final exams hit me a wk later#waaaa why did they arrange theory finals AFTER the internship... how r we supposed to sit down and study quietly#after walking around n using the knowledge practically#maybe... i will stream to hold myself accountable... both studying drawing and studying of my finals after my internship ends...#my bedtime schedule will probably remain cooked so might as well use it to my advantage#remains a tentative plan but yeah maybe u guys can come and watch me fumble around and chat#i would love to join a discord but i would just lurk sobs#and i really want to talk with fellow roach and ghostroach enthusiasts!! but im afraid of saying the wrong thing or it can be misunderstood#so in the end i just say nothing which is bad because nobody knows what im thinking until i say it out loud#i just want to let you guys know that i appreciate all your likes comments and tags dearly and i dont know how to respond to them#twt is a direct reply so it doesnt feel weird to just reply#but tumblr feels different to me#rambling
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this is an issue with guardian signs too and i thiiiiink soa but man, one of the worst things they do in these games is give you a companion that does jack shit and is literally just there to be a mouthpiece because the player character has to be silent. their existence actively hurts the story of these games to me because “oh we gotta work together to stop the bad guys!” but they just sit around doing nothing the whole game because the gameplay requires you to be the only one doing anything. and it works with other characters like spenser (who’s off doing other more important work) and rand (the only other ranger in the region) because they’ve got an excuse to not be helping you specifically in that moment but the companion character just sorta stands around listlessly spouting the words you need to hear
#it doesnt help that lunick at least barks orders at you like stfu dude#it hurts gs the most tho imo bc like omg we’re strapped for rangers rn why is ben following me doing nothing but babbling#and i really like the feeling of isolation in that game. everything falls to you bc oblivia has no one else#but rand who just wants to be with his family#and then. ben. just kinda wandering around following you and doing nothing#like. dude leave me alone. youre literally ruining the vibe rn. you wish you could be partner from pmd. but youre not partner from pmd.#you are nobody#actually wait maybe lunick is worse bc at least ben does add stuff to the plot sometimes#like he gets kidnapped and held hostage thay one time and hes used to trick the player in the final act#and theres at least some chemistry there with the player character#but you spend half the game without lunick and then he suddenly shows up clinging to your soul#adding nothing of note really#echoed voice#ranger lb#ive just been letting entei kill gordor while i type tbh
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god saw me suffer through a certain fan experience in the beatles fandom as a paul mccartney fan, and thought it'd be fun to make me a george russell girlie to experience the sequel.
#r#can these eerily similar and fucked tropes and parallels stop showing up jesus christ why are you making me go through this again#i will not write an essay on this because nobody wants it#its enough to have it swirl around in my brain
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"mutants are poc analogy" "mutants are queer analogy" Listen, X-Men and as such mutants as a whole should really be disability representation, and I mean representation and not analougous to it they just occassionally also get to blast ice while having furniture not built for them, struggles with keeping their mind in the present, and constantly having people casually discuss sterilizing or euthanizing them and being considered either dangerous or simply incapable of understanding when they get mad about this. But nobody is ready for this conversation.
#Marvel#X-Men#But no as someone who is queer and also has untreated disabilities#Plays at saying being antimutant is metaphorically homophobic mostly just pisses me off#And I'm sure people of color aren't thrilled when Mutants As Analogous To Racism comes up since most of the big names are white#And more often than not this is usually used for Marvel to avoid actually talking about the real issues#Nevermind rarely combine in an interesting way when you do get a gay mutant or a poc mutant or a gay poc mutant#However any time they run into the world simply not being built to accomodate their physical or mental needs and get sneers for asking#You can immediately see me doing the Leonardo DiCaprio point#“but what about Homo Superior” nobody in the 616 knows how genes work because the writers don't#And as a scientist if I have to see X-Gene pop up one more time I'm going to transmogrify into Galactus and eat the planet#One of the biggest experts on Mutant biology is from the Victorian era why are we listening to him#Anyway where are the DIY accomodation features for people with tails or touch telepaths#Rogue basically had to be bubblewrapped most of her life once her powers kicked in#Scott has literal braindamage on top of his powers so he's either blind or colorblind if he doesn't want eyebeam everything#Magneto and Polaris's mental instability probably is related to their electromagnetics fucking with their brains#And Also They Both Have Hella PTSD#Hank has had to make shit that's big enough for him or just run around in boxers#Kurt literally had to use holograms to hide his physical appearance and sometimes still does or has to wear concealing clothes#Logan has chronic pain and rips his skin open any time he pops his claws#Big Fuckoff Migraines plague all psychics#And we have ALL of the Morlocks EVER#Isn't Hellion using his powers to make up for having no hands??#Or at least was before they walked it back like they did the Professor needing a wheelchair#I just think there is an argument to be had here about this
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i have a 103 fever and feel like death warmed over but we are hosting thanksgiving so i will be hiding in my room all day trying not to get anyone else sick. i’m already so bored of laying in bed
#why is it that all i want to do is lay around in my bed but then when i actually have to it’s miserable#i LOVE doing nothing i LOVE my bed#but i am so stir crazy already#i think i have the flu but nobody can take me to urgent care toda#yay
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top ten guys who would shatter if thrown at a wall number 1
#thinking abtpers ERMM sorry always think abt him late and then i get self concious. BUT i think#''yknow that life we lived is over. and when we were living it it didnt mean anything anyways'' < THAT. THAT MAKES ME THROW UP AND SOB#because it DID mean something to him!! it meant everything !!#it was the one thing that kept him going he was trapped w laius or wahteva#the idea that if there was even a SLIM chance of him escaping and meeting back up with coyot and things going back to the way they were. it#was worth it enough to endure torment and try to not go crazy < wanted 2 be somewhat normal when he caught up w coyot#even though it never did turn into a reality and instead he came across gunner#and it wasnt until after he had grown to love his new life and the people around him that he saw coyot again . circumstances aside he still#was so happy 2 see he was alive and well. was happy to see that coyot also lived with the people he loved and was doing alright for himself#and was in a better mental state and was well fed and !#he loved coyot. im so emo over that. love was there but it saved nobody < shaking and crying and throwing up#and thats why i think him dying would be the best outcome 4 him tbh. having to kill your old family must be fucking devastating#and he only did it to ensure a false sense of safety. FML!!#txt
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