#that's what does it for tom i think. that's what breaks him. he can't bear the thought of greg suffering for months.

[milkteamoon]

The first and only girl Martin goes out with is openly bisexual.

He doesn't know if she counts, if he's being honest — it wasn't a crush, he knows that, and years down the line, when he thinks back to it, he can't remember them ever having a proper conversation about the whole status of their single-night relationship. He knows she had short hair, and sat in front of him in math class, and needed a date to the fall semi-formal so she'd asked if he was busy that weekend, and he'd said no, and then she'd asked if she could borrow a pen, and he'd said yes. He couldn't remember her name if he tried.

He does remember the pink and blue bracelet on her wrist that she'd worn to the event itself, and then to get ice cream after, where he'd sat on the curb of some old parking lot at the edge of town with her and her friends and her friends' boyfriends and her friends' boyfriends' friends, none of which were his friends, because Martin didn't have many of those. Except maybe the girl whose name he couldn't remember. Though he's not sure if maybe-probably-not-girlfriends count as friends too when you're in high school.

"D'you like it?" she'd asked once she'd noticed him staring, holding up her wrist and not seeming to care as ice cream dribbled down her spoon and fingers.

"It's nice," Martin had said, because he's nothing if not honest. "Did you make it?"

She'd nodded. "It's a bi flag," she'd explained. "I'm bisexual."

"Oh," Martin had said.

"You know what that is, right?" she had asked. "Like, when you like boys and girls?"

"I know," Martin had said, even if it had maybe slipped his memory until she'd brought it up. "That's cool."

And then she'd nodded, and ate her ice cream, and Martin had taken her home with as little a fanfare as he had picked her up earlier that evening. And then winter break had rolled around, and she'd been put in another class the following semester, and then life and bills had finally caught up with him and there wouldn't be another semester after that. He'd never seen her again, so he'd never got a chance to ask. Never got a chance to choke down that knot in his throat when he'd left her house that evening, unable to get the words out.

He doesn't remember her name anymore, but he does remember the jealous ache he'd felt at her certainty.

Martin's first boyfriend is definitely gay.

That's how they meet each other, really — in a gay bar, where Martin has met plenty of other men (testing the waters, he's been telling himself; no harm in a little exploration) and gone home with them, except this one asks for his number afterward, and this one calls him back, and this one actually seems to want to go out for drinks the next week, and the week after that, and before Martin knows it he's quite certain that he's dating this man. It's wonderful, whirlwind of an experience. It's exhilarating.

It's bloody terrifying.

And it's not being with a man that sets his anxiety on edge. Martin...Martin likes men. That's definitely a part of his identity that he's been able to sort out, over the years. Martin likes men, and he likes dating men, and he likes having sex with men, and he'd probably even marry a man, if he had the chance, if that's where one of these loose and languid relationships end up.

It's just—

It's just that—

It's just that Martin always seems to be the odd one out in these groups. It's just that when Martin meets up with his boyfriend's friends at the bar, when they're all laughing and sharing jokes and clinking their drinks together in some toast that Martin had missed the dedication to, they all just...get it somehow. They know who they are. They all have some special word for themselves that fits them like a tailored suit: Jacklyn is a butch lesbian, and Lee is trans, and Tom is a bear, and Jordan is gay and genderqueer and Collin is a drag performer and—

He's a few drinks in, to put it lightly, when he leans over to his definitely-boyfriend and asks him how he knew he was gay.

"How did I know?" he echoes, taking a sip from his fizzy drink. "Easy, I liked men." And then he laughs like Martin has just told a funny joke, and maybe he has and doesn't realize it, so he tries to laugh along. Tries to ignore the ache in his chest.

Martin wishes it were that simple. And when the two of them break up, Martin wishes that he ached just as badly over the relationship too.

Tim and Sasha are bi. Well, no, Tim is bi, and Sasha is—

"Pansexual," Sasha says through a mouthful of reheated spaghetti. She holds a finger up as she chews, swallows, and then adds, "Well, I mean. It's like the same genus, I guess."

"Like a leopard and a cheetah," Tim chimes in, leaning over to put an arm around her shoulders. She puts a hand against the side of his face to put some space between them, knocking his glasses askew.

"Leopards and cheetahs are different genuses," she tells him. "You're thinking of leopards and jaguars."

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh nuh uh—"

"Uh huh uh huh uh huh—"

And it's—

He likes Tim and Sasha. They're easy to exist around. They don't make him feel like he's not welcome at the end of the lunch table, or like he has to be anything more than simply himself in their presence. Call it bonding over the shared trauma of all being trapped down here together. Tim's jokes about Jon never letting them see the sun are starting to feel less like jokes these days, and more like statements of fact.

Then Tim leans over, seating his chin in his knuckles, and says, "So, Martin, you going to pride this year?"

And then all of those nice, floaty feelings suddenly come crashing out of solution and dropping down into the pit of his stomach. It must show on his face, because Tim's smile falls as he backpedals.

"O-or not!" he says, holding his hands up peaceably. "I mean— geez, sorry, I usually think I'm pretty good at noticing these things, but if you're not—"

"What? Oh, no no, you're fine, I'm definitely—" There's something on the tip of Martin's tongue that he can't put a word to, hasn't been able to put a word to for a long time. "...not straight. Er, I— I like...guys, at least...?"

A smile curls across Tim's face — amused, but not cruel. "Hey, that's at least one thing we've got in common," he says and holds up his fist for a bump. The spark of anxiety hasn't quite fizzled away, but it's pushed far enough down that Martin feels he can humor him.

To his equal relief and horror, Jon strolls into the room not a minute later and sticks himself firmly in the crosshairs of Tim's sights.

"Boss-man," he greets.

"Tim," Jon greets back, neutrally. He strolls over to the kitchenette, digging out a tea bag out of the cabinet.

"Are you going to pride this year?"

Martin chokes on his drink.

"No," Jon says, retrieving a tea bag and filling his mug as if Tim had simply asked him about the weather.

"C'mon," Tim purrs. He reaches over and gives Jon a tug by his belt loops. "You're just gonna sit at home all weekend and leave us to have all the fun?"

"I don't particularly find crowds 'fun,'" Jon retorts, batting away his hand. He picks up his mug. "You'll have to suffer without me."

"How will we ever go on," Tim laments.

"You'll manage," Jon says, then promptly retreats to his office.

Martin simply sits there with his mouth hanging open, only daring to speak once he hears the final click of the door pulled shut. "...Jon...?"

Tim looks over to him, eyebrow quirked. "What?"

"Jon."

"Oh." A smirk tugs at the corner of Tim's lips. "You didn't know?"

"Wh— no!" It's not even that Martin has ever really assumed that Jon is straight. It's just that, out of people in the office to be open about their sexualities, there's Tim and Sasha, and then there's Jon. It's just— it's Jon. "Did he tell you that?"

Tim shoots a look to Sasha. "Well, no," he admits, "but you know how it is, you work with someone long enough and you just sort of...get a vibe, yeah?"

Sasha nods at this assessment. "Plus the fact that he did agree to go on a date with David that one time."

"Oh god, haha! I forgot about that."

"He's gay, right?" Sasha says, looking to Tim.

"I'm pretty sure he mentioned an ex-girlfriend once," Tim notes, poking his fork into his salad. "Bi, maybe...? I'm going to go with bi."

"Could also be pan," Sasha notes.

Tim thinks on this for a moment. "Mm, no, definitely bi I think. My bi-dey senses are tingling. Sorry Sash," he concludes, earning him a light kick to the shin from Sasha at the pun. He shoves a forkful of salad in his mouth before redirecting his attention back to Martin. "So, Martin. Pride, yay or nay?"

"Uh—" Martin blinks, viscerally aware of himself once more. He's not sure how to put I've never really thought about going into so many words that doesn't make him sound incredibly lame or formerly catholic, so in the end he decides on a redirect. He clears his throat. "I'm...not sure? Haven't really decided."

"That's fine," Tim says with a half shrug. "Though we'll be there, so if you do end up going, just text us and we'll meet up, yeah?"

There's a little plant inside Martin, something green and budding, but never able to bloom — always pruned too early, or watered too late, or bitten off by the frost. But some days, he thinks about opening the curtains and letting in the sun. Some days, he thinks about letting it bloom, finally, fully—

"Yeah," Martin says softly, looking up from his open palms. "Yeah, that'd...that'd be good."

And despite himself, he smiles.

Martin is—

Martin is quite certain he has never been sweatier in his life.

It's a wonderful time. It's bright. It's beautiful. He's seen so many colors and grins and glitter on more people than he can count today. People holding hands and people kissing and people dressed in outfits he can't even begin to describe, genders he can't even begin to put names to, flags he can't even begin to guess the meaning of. His heart feels so big in his chest he could die, pushing on the bars of his rib cage with each resounding thu-thump, and it's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful—

(And so very isolating. So very lonely when he feels like he's not meant to be there, like he wasn't invited, like he's invading this space carved out in neat rows of labels that he can't even straddle properly to get in line. He doesn't— he can't—)

Martin finds a moment of shade just as he feels he's teetering on the edge of heat exhaustion. He stumbles under the awning, smearing the sweat and residual glitter out of his eyes as he leans his head back against the wall. Music hums from the street over, voices carry on the warm summer air. He really needs to find something to drink, so he can appreciate it more instead of focusing on the way his shirt clings to his skin. He really should find Tim and Sasha, before they get off into any trouble.

Someone lets out a huff next to him as they lean back against the wall, and Martin peels open an eye to look.

And then both his eyes snap open at once, double taking at the man standing next to him. He doesn't seem to notice him at first, too focused on fanning himself with some pamplet he'd snagged along the way, but then his gaze shifts sideways, and the pinched expression smooths out into one of blank bewilderment.

Jon blinks, wide eyed. "Martin."

Okay, well that at least solves the issue of whether or not Martin is supposed to be pretending not to know him or not. He clears his throat, trying to smile. "Jon...h-hi."

It's not even the fact that— okay, well, yes, seeing Jon at a queer event is pretty weird, but seeing Jon outside of work, in jeans no less, is certainly not helping the sensation that Martin might very well be hallucinating this interaction. He looks him up to his thick-lensed glasses, down to his plain sneakers that have seen better days, and even pinches himself for good measure. Jon doesn't move. Martin isn't sure that he himself would be able to move either, even if he wanted to.

Then Jon's brow furrows, and he looks around. "Are Tim and Sasha around...?"

"Oh, n-no, they went off," Martin gestures vaguely in the direction he'd last seen them, "somewhere."

"Ah."

"Mm."

"Right."

"...What...are you doing here, exactly?" Martin finally asks in some burst of unsourced courage.

Jon's winces, red-handed. Not that Martin would ever say anything to Tim or Sasha about their boss going to pride without them on his own time — it's honestly none of his business — but he also knows that if the two of them suspect something is up, they'll never let either of them live it down.

Jon sighs, shoulders drooping. "I...an old friend, she— she didn't wish to come alone this year, and apparently I'm the only other queer she knows that doesn't enjoy getting plastered off my arse at these types of events, so—" Jon shrugs lightly.

There's something about the way Jon says it, the only other queer, that leaves a funny, prickling sensation in the center of Martin's chest, and it's not just the heat giving him a rash. It's just...it's nice. It's nice the way he says it, all casual like he's just giving Martin another report to follow up.

Jon pushes the sweat-soaked hair from his forehead, giving Martin a sideways glance up and down. He redirects, "You know, I would have thought you'd be more, er..."

"More...?"

"...Well, dressed up, I suppose?" He gestures to Martin's outfit — a pair of khaki shorts with pockets stuffed to the brim in emergency snacks, a green t-shirt with the local football team logo, an old pair of sneakers he really needs to replace — in a vague enough gesture to slip just under the line of insulting, but still enough to make Martin feel horribly seen. Granted, Jon isn't much better in his plain blue polo, but the fact of Jon being in jeans at all is currently eclipsing the fact that he's a tad underdressed for the event.

But—

But it's not that Martin doesn't want to. It's not that Martin doesn't want to be a part of this moment, this moment, this microcosm in the middle of London of so many people like him. It's something he's always wanted. Something he's always dreamed of, something he'd thought about all the way back in his high school bedroom when he'd had all these feelings knotted up in his chest that he couldn't put a word to, still can't put a word to, doesn't know how to put a word to even though it's right there in front of him if he could just stretch out his fingers—

"I thought about it," he admits with a shrug. Tim and Sasha were each dressed in a blinding shower of color and glitter, and he knows they'd never make him feel out of place. "It's just...there's too many—" He stops, takes a deep breath, and tries to ignore the thumping of his heartbeat in his ears. "There's too many words, I guess?"

Jon pauses his lazy fanning, looking up at him. "Too many words?" he parrots.

Martin wets his lips. "Like— like— like, everyone has a word for themselves, y'know? They have a flag, they have a group, they have— have people that they can relate to, and then you feel like you find something that almost right, but it's not perfect, and you— you—"

And you don't fit in, Martin doesn't say, because the rushing stream of words has suddenly stopped up in his throat, choking him. And you definitely aren't straight, but you aren't queer like everyone else is. You aren't queer in the right way.

Jon looks at him for a considerable moment, and suddenly Martin is all too aware of his body, his bones, his sweat, the itchy prickling of his skin—

Jon sighs as he gives him a half shrug. "So don't be anything."

The music from the street over lulls into a faint hum.

"What?" Martin says.

"So don't be anything," Jon repeats, enunciating as if he thinks that Martin misheard him. He frowns as he chooses his next words. "I'm not...it's...I..."

Martin waits quietly.

"I..." Jon says, "I guess when I was just starting to— to figure things out, I was certain I was gay. And then I went to uni and I had...a multitude of other things to address, and then for a bit I was...straight? I guess? And that was a whole thing, and then I was bi, and— well, I guess I'm technically still bi, but it's not...not exactly correct—" He frowns, looking up at him. "I guess...it just doesn't really matter to me? You don't...have to be anything."

Martin opens his mouth. He closes it. "But—" he says, tongue feeling thick in his mouth, "but—"

But then I have to be me, he doesn't say, even if the words are trying to push out past his teeth. But then the only thing I can be is me.

"...But that's scary," Martin says without meaning to, only hearing the words as they pass through his own lips. His eyes blow wide as he looks down at Jon (at his boss), and knows the simmering heat flushing down to his chest has nothing to do with the weather.

Jon stares at him for a quiet, considerate. And then he turns his head away and lets out a very undignified snort.

Martin feels his world tip onto its side.

It had to be a snort. It can only be a snort, even if Jon doesn't snort because Jon doesn't laugh, and Jon doesn't laugh because Jon doesn't smile, and Jon doesn't smile because Jon is typically too busy snapping at him over some stupid mistake he's made for the umpteenth time—

Jon looks up at him again, and he's downright grinning. Martin is quite certain he needs to be doused over the head with a bucket of ice water, or pinched hard enough to draw blood, or sent off to the hospital to get his head checked out because what the fuck. What the fuck.

"As my grandmother was so fond of reminding me, 'if it weren't scary, everyone would be doing it,'" Jon says finally, peeling off his glasses to wipe the sweat from the lenses onto his shirt. He places them back on his nose, then pushes himself up. "You should find Tim and Sasha," he says. "And I should find Georgie before I get left here. Again."

"Uh," Martin says, still trying to mentally recover from the fact that Jon smiled at him, and now everything feels like its been knocked into an alternate universe slightly to the left. His head feels weird. His chest feels weird. "Right."

"There's a—" Jon points a thumb behind himself, "a place we can cut through, if you want to—"

"Oh. Oh, yeah! Yeah, lead— lead the way."

It's not perfect, Martin thinks.

It's not perfect, but it's close. It's close when they step out of the alley back onto that crowded street, when the colors all bleed into a mess of a million different rainbows as far as the eye can see. It's close when they both get sprayed with glitter, Jon scowling and swearing as he tries to get it off himself and sending Martin laughing so hard that his sides ache. It's close even with the heat, even with the noise, even with the shouting because there's laughter in between laughter in between laughter again—

"Would you like a button?" a girl with green hair asks as she sits behind a table of every flag Martin has ever seen and then some. He takes a moment to look over each one carefully. Jon wanders up beside him, looks them through, and carefully selects a pink, purple, and blue one, to which he silently deposits in his pocket.

Martin picks up a plain rainbow one, considers it, and then pins it to the left side of his shirt.

It's not perfect, he thinks, but it's close enough.

[endless-ineffabilities]

the other side of the door (1/2)

Ewan Mitchell x bestfriend!reader

a/n: so there was this, and now you have this. bish bash bosh.

main masterlist

The one wherein your best friend breaks your heart.

The cast has gathered in Tom's apartment for the night, drinks and conversation flowing freely. Ewan brought you with him, as he always does. You've been his constant plus-one — to parties, premieres, and even group holidays.

You've been around them so much, that the cast members already consider you as their good friend.

When they first met you, they had mistakenly thought you were Ewan's girlfriend.

But no, he profusely fended off such allegations, clarifying that you were his "bestfriend, and other half." Doesn't he know that calling you his other half kind of makes it worse?

Because you want them to be right.

You've been in love with him for a while now.

And he doesn't feel the same. Talk about the sob story of your life.

Not too long ago, you and Ewan were a tangle of limbs on your couch, covered in layers of sweaters and duvets to keep warm. A film played on TV. It used to be one of your favourites, but not after that night.

One glass of wine led to another—a kiss on the forehead, a peck on the cheek, brushes of skin against skin.

And suddenly, you were kissing him.

And he was kissing you back with just as much fervour. Just as much love.

Or so you thought.

"Wait, love," he panted, pulling away, his forehead still pressed against yours. His every exhale fanned warmth over your face, and he was all you felt. All you saw, all you smelled. He was all around you.

"What?"

"We can't," he whispered, and you strained to hear him. "We can't do this."

Your chest tightened, and judging by his worried expression, he can see the distress clear on your face.

"Why not?" you asked meekly, your hands still clutching his chest.

He smiled sadly, brushing your hair away from your face. "We're best friends, my darling. I don't want to ruin this. What we have—it's good. Don't we keep saying that it's forever? I mean that."

"I know," you replied, shaking your head slightly, "but we've known each other for years, Ewan. Did you never think... about us? And how we could be... We could be good together."

"We are good together," he insisted. "Which is why we shouldn't change this. We're only going to mess it up."

"But I—"

"And," he cut you off, "I don't think I want to get into something like that right now. My career's just taking off, and I want to pour my entire self into it." He laughed dryly, as if infusing casual humour into the situation and trying to make it seem like it's not a big deal would make it all better. "Hell, I can't even think about dating anyone."

But I'm not just anyone, you wanted to say, but you kept it in. You know Ewan, and once he has his mind set, there is no changing it. Not without great effort and cause anyway.

You did your best to avoid him for an entire week after that, ignoring his calls and his extensive voicemails, but he eventually wore you down, showing up at your door with a bouquet of flowers and a massive tray of your favourite dessert.

A peace offering. You're his best friend and he can't bear to have a rift between the two of you, he said.

He was right.

You want—need—him around. No matter what. Your true feelings can take the back burner.

This is meant to be forever, after all.

The hour is late and you feel exhaustion setting in. You think of heading home, but you can't find Ewan anywhere, and you have been searching for the last ten minutes.

"Hey, girly!" Phia cheerily says as she stumbles upon you in the hallway. "You alright?"

"Yeah, just a bit tired. Have you seen Ewan?"

"Oh, I don't know," she immediately replies. "He's not in the living area, last I checked. Maybe he's in one of the rooms upstairs? Taking a breather?"

"Oh, could he be?" He normally doesn't leave you all alone during these things, so if he's nowhere in sight, he must really need a minute to himself.

Before you can protest, Phia loops her arm around yours. "I'll come with you, love. Let's go and have a look."

Phia chats your ear off and you are grateful for the distraction, but nothing could have prepared you for what comes next.

You hear hushed voices from inside one of the rooms. As you near the one farthest from the staircase, the voices become clearer. The door is open just a crack, but the guest room is tiny enough that even the softest sounds are amplified in it.

There's a man's voice. Ewan's, as distinguishable to you as your favourite melody. Followed by a lilting, high-pitched giggle.

"I'm serious, Lou," Ewan says, raising his voice a tad, "I think I've had enough to drink."

Louise, the twins' cousin, groans playfully. You hear some shuffling. A mattress creaking under weight. "You're such a lightweight, Ewan."

"Hey! I'm not a lightweight," Ewan counters, humour seeping in his tone.

"Oh yeah?" Her voice drops to a sultry drawl. "So you're sober enough to come here and kiss me then?"

Your stomach lurches. You've only had one drink, yet the room tilts, and the walls seem to spin around you. You catch Phia's eye—her expression mirrors your disbelief, wide-eyed and incredulous.

She is about to push the door open, when you catch her wrist and shake your head vehemently. You whisper urgently, "Phi, let's just go."

"What? But he—" She pauses when the first smacking noises resound from the room. Louise moans against Ewan as she kisses him.

As he kisses her.

So much for him claiming he didn't want to date anyone. Maybe he just didn't want to date you. Let alone want you the way he clearly wants her—the way he's having her behind that door.

"What about the girl you came with?" you hear her ask.

"What girl?" He breathes, actually sounding confused. You feel nothing more than an afterthought. Just some girl he can't even remember.

Certainly not his forever. You're not even his 'right now'.

"Fuckin' hell," Phia curses under her breath.

"Oh," Ewan says, as it finally dawns on him, "she's... she's just my friend."

"Phia, let's go please," you repeat, more insistent this time. She hears the desperation in your tone and takes your hand comfortingly, pulling you along downstairs.

Fabien stands near the foot of the staircase, absently nursing his drink while scrolling through his phone. His gaze shifts when he spots the two of you, eyebrows lifting in mild curiosity.

"Whoa there," he says, his eyes scanning your face with concern. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing—"

But Phia interjects roughly. "We're beating Ewan up later."

"Phia, come on," you mumble, growing embarrassed, "It's not a big deal. He can do whatever he wants."

"But he told me—"

"Wait," Fabien says, catching on, "Ewan's up there doing what with who?"

Before Phia can go on a passionate tirade, you exhale loudly, "Look, you guys. I just want to go home. I'll say bye to everyone and get out of here."

Fabien puts his drink down somewhere. "I'll go with you," he offers, without giving it much thought. "Since Ewan's occupied, and we hate him now apparently—"

Your brows raise, while Phia merely gives a thumbs up.

"—someone needs to see you home safe."

You smile gratefully. "You sure, Fabs? I don't want you to miss out on the rest of the party."

"Ah, don't worry about it," he smirks, casually throwing an arm around your shoulders as you head to the main room. "Knowing Tom, there'll be another one of these things next week."

Ewan stumbles down the stairs, his steps unsteady from the weight of too many drinks. But there's something else, a deeper unease twisting in his gut that he can't quite shake.

He needs you to make it all better, but where are you?

When he finds Phia pouring herself a glass of water in the kitchen, he asks for one too.

But she icily responds, "Pour yourself one."

"What?" He asks, but he doesn't dwell on it. "Do you know where—"

"She left," Phia shrugs, and Ewan wonders why she said that smugly, "not too long ago."

"What do you mean she left?" Ewan straightens, growing alert despite the haze of the alcohol.

"She was tired. Wanted to go home. She came upstairs to get you, but you seemed busy. So Fabien offered to accompany her, the sweetheart that he is."

The flood of information overwhelms him, but it's nothing compared to the hollow ache of your absence.

"I... I wasn't busy..."

"We heard you, Ewan," Phia says, disappointed. She watches the realisation dawn on his face for a full minute. The dread. The self-loathing. "I mean, it's none of my business. But maybe wipe that lipstick off your neck. It's bloody gross."

[naamahdarling]

Hi. I’m feeling sad too, I think that tends to happen late at night. At least we can be sad together lol

Yeah it's just a 3:00 thing. Literally I call it the "three o'clocksies". One of the best mental health things I've ever done for myself is learning to look at the time, and if it's after 3:00 a.m., I just tell myself I will put those feelings away until the next day, and I can feel them then if I have to. It doesn't work every time, but it works about 70% of the time, which is a lot better than the maybe 15 or 20% of the time I managed to deal with it by just powering through. Big fan.

Learning to approach strong negative emotions not arising directly from a currently unfolding crisis as temporary, and strong positive emotions as gifts and memories that I will get to have later has been really helpful. "All things pass" can be barbed, because that means good stuff too will pass. But that's just the nature of things, and we have a lot more control over what memories and feelings we keep with us than we think we do.

That is part of why I try so hard to find goodness when badness is around me. Because it really does make bad things easier to bear. I don't mean like spinning bad things into good things, or saying that bad things happen for a reason, I just mean things like moments of common kindness between strangers (which are actually a thing we can create ourselves instead of waiting to have happen to us or to observe), or a beautiful sunset the day you break your ankle, or the very very small child in the corner at urgent care who won't stop talking very articulately and at great length about how much he fuckin' loves chicken nuggets, or the person who took one look at me and didn't charge me anything at the gas station the night we lost Raleigh, no questions asked.

These moments aren't actually insignificant. They're the fabric of our lives, and by observing them even in the bad moments, we prepare ourselves to see them the rest of the time, it makes things easier. It's like putting flowers in a hospital room inside your mind. I may feel like dying, but somebody brought a miniature goat named Tom Brady to PetSmart with them and I got to pet him.

I'm not full of shit here, I have really been through it this past year. It really is worth it to struggle to look and see ordinary life around you as full of small surprises and little kindnesses. It isn't about some kind of bullshit healing through positivity thing (I think "positivity" as it is pushed at us is toxic bullshit) it's not going to cure your mental illness or whatever, it isn't going to take you out of the terrible circumstances fucking you over, it isn't going to undo your trauma, it's just seeing all the small good things that are easy to overlook, and realizing that some days, seeing the small good things really can be enough. That isn't pathetic or bleak, that isn't trying to fill your belly with nothing but crumbs and telling yourself you're lucky, it's just an underlying kind of warmth that it would be really unfortunate to not look for and allow yourself to feel.

It's a way of inhabiting life deliberately, and not just suffering through it. And it's taking me years to develop, and no, I can't always hold on to it, it isn't something that you can be successful at 100% of the time. But man, things got a lot better for me when I started taking pictures of the sky almost every time I go outside, and admiring strangers' questionable fashion choices, and wondering about things like what kind of person would buy this puzzle featuring a John Deere tractor, and enjoying small brown birds having a dust bath next to the drive-thru at Sonic, or taking pictures of interesting graffiti, or noticing the single mirror-spangled drag queen platform high heel on the side of the road, all of that. Things got better for me when I started to really care that I got to see those things.

IDK this got long. But I think...it's all right to be sad, I think sometimes we just have to be even when we aren't sure why. And that can and should coexist with the rest of the world being out there and ready to be seen, even through tears.

[c0la-queen]

Edd Headcanons | The Older Brother Friend

---

Appearance:

My Edd has tan skin and fluffy brown hair. He's got light, scruffy facial hair but he shaves it every so often so it doesn't get too thick.

His eyes are a warm chocolate brown in my head, but because of his powers they sometimes glow green- in the dark or when he's angry.

Edd is the tallest of the crew in my timeline, a whopping 6'5. He rubs this in and will use his height as a weapon against the others. The type to send those "Send this to your short friend" to Tom and Reader.

I am a chubby Edd truther!!! My man is a big cuddly bear!! So warm and perfect for hugs and cuddles!!! But don't be mistaken, he is still fit. Probably the broadest of the group, with shoulders almost touching the door frame. And while his powers do help, Edd is still on of the physically strongest of the group- before he got his powers, he and Tord were equal in strength.

Has to wear glasses when reading or doing digital art, and to help his eyes they're blue light glasses. Has no piercings, but he does have a tattoo somewhere on his body. Won't tell anyone where or what it is. (Only person who knows is the person he made the bet with, which would be either his sister or Tom)

Family Life:

Has one of the most average family experiences.

His parents are happily married. They were always loving and doting and were objectively good parents.

He has one younger sister. They gave a good relationship, the two get along and still stay in touch even when he's moved out.

But, he also had his own struggles. Specifically during high school, he started feelings like his parents paid more attention to his younger sister's achievements than his. They never favored her or gave her better things than him. But he couldn't help but feel like she was seen as the more academic one compared to him.

Despite this, he didn't hold it against her or his parents. As he matured, he managed to fight through those thoughts.

Has his baby cat Ringo, the most precious thing in his life.

Personality:

Edd isn't the dad friend of the group. Edd is the older brother friend. He cares about the others and is considered as the "head" of the group. (Often likes to joke that he's the alpha male). But, he's not nurturing, he's a little bastard. He can be a bit of a jerk sometimes, and can accidentally take it a little too far.

Steals people's things to piss them off. Not anything super important, and he always gives it back after a short while of teasing. If there's something his roommates don't want anyone touching, he'll usually respect that. (Susan is an exception)

Holds objects over other people's heads where they can't reach it. Reader and Tom are the usual victims of this, but if he wants to do it to Matt or Tord he'll float off the ground.

Has his head in the gutter all the time. The type of friend to hear the word "come" and turn to you with a stupid grin.

"That's what she said." "Deez nuts."

Although he's a bastard, he loves the others. He'll remind them to eat or drink water, drag the group outside when everyone's been inside too long, organize the weekend adventures or the game/movie night, and he cooks dinner most of the nights.

Fiercely protective of all the roommates, but specifically Reader. He isn't afraid to slap the fuck outta anyone who is insulting or threatening any of his people.

Loves playing Mario Kart and Mario Party because he can piss multiple people off at the same time while also winning the game.

Works as a commission artist and animator for a studio. He has a whole digital art setup on his desk in his room. While he still works all week like a normal job, he can set his own hours, take breaks whenever he wants, and is able to work completely from home. He just has to get his projects done by the deadline.

He likes Oreos :D just thinks they're tasty.

His favorite band is the Beatles! It's why he named his cat Ringo- he's loved the band since he was a little kid.

Smells like coffee and mint.

Enjoys watching Studio Ghibli movies with Reader. Especially likes My Neighbor Totoro, since its got the Cat Bus.

Has a big metal water bottle that he painted. I think he'd have an emerald green bottle and paint really detailed fir trees around it.

Has a PC setup for animation/digital art, an iPad for digital art, and a sketchbook for traditional art. Likes to dabble in several art mediums. His favorites are acrylic paint, watercolor, and charcoal.

Plays Pokemon games with the Reader during his breaks from drawing. He's an "all physical attacks, no status conditions" type of player. Prefers grass types but mains cat Pokemon.

Cuddle bug. Loves taking naps with Reader. Will fall asleep with her on the couch, on his bed, or on her bed. The perfect time to nap in his opinion is during rainy days.

Would love to get matching onesies with Reader if she asked him to. Proudly takes pictures with her while wearing them.

Lets Reader sit in his lap while he draws or plays games. Thinks its the cutest thing if she falls asleep in his lap.

Takes Reader with him while grocery shopping. But will trap her between his arms while pushing the cart to keep her from wandering.

Can be really intimidating when he's pissed.

Playlist (Based off My Spotify Playlist of Him):

Hollywood Undead

Childish Gambino

Joji

Rex Orange County

Jack Stauber

blink-182

The Weeknd

[helaelaemond]

It's All For You - Billy Washington x reader

Pairing: Billy Washington x female reader

Word count: 2.9k

Fic summary: Your relationship with Billy over the years has its ups and downs. The ups are great, and the downs almost destroy you. But through the years, you learn that it's him. It's always him. It always will be him, no matter how much it hurts. Multi chapter.

Chapter summary: You and Billy have been friends throughout your school lives. It's now the summer ball closing your time at sixth form together, and you're both desperately hoping that the other will be brave enough to cross the line between friends and... friendlier.

Content warning(s): alcohol, smoking

Rating: Teen

Tag list: @sylas-the-grim / @myfandomprompts / @arcielee / @babyblue711

Masterlist

Chapter 1: Everything I Do

"Oi, Billy, get over here!"

Billy grins as he joins the group of friends all posing for a photo, and with a plastic cup of beer in his hand, he leans close. Half of the group is already tipsy, and as everyone crowds close, some of the girls lose their balance on their strappy heels. One, a friend he's known since they were six, grabs onto his arm to stop from falling over and his drink is knocked from his hands.

"'ey, you alright?" he asks with a laugh. The phone clicks away, capturing blurry moments of teenage joy.

"Oh, my god!" she cackles, and the other girls help him to stop her from toppling over.

On the other side of the group, you glance over in amusement. He catches your eye for a moment, and you both blush.

The music blasts out of the hired speakers in the huge marquee the school has hired out for the event on the school field. The summer ball - nothing more than a low-budget prom for those leaving sixth form - has already been going on for a few hours, and the evening is finally beginning to cool. You need a bit of a break, though, and make your way over to the bar.

"Two bottles of water, please." You took three shots at pre's, and at afters you'll probably have a good few more, but for now you just need something to help the headache.

"I'll get these."

You look up at the familiar voice, and your smile returns. "One of these was for you, actually." You hand one of the bottles to Billy.

"Oh, thanks." He takes it, and your fingers brush together for a moment. He drops his chin and looks down, biting his lip as if he's trying to stop his smile, and then he glances back at you. "Good timing then, eh?"

"Yeah." You take a long chug of water, and he does the same. "You look nice this evening, by the way."

"Yeah?" He fiddles with the knot of his tie. "Mum thinks I scrub up nice."

"Your mum's always right." You've known Billy since you started at the same secondary when you were 11. You've been in the same social circle since you were 15, and Mrs Washington is one of the parents in the regular taxi rotation. It makes you hopeful, knowing that she likes you a lot. Boys care what their parents think, right?

He laughs quietly. "Yeah, she is. You look nice, too."

You want to tease him. If it was anyone else, you'd ask "only nice?" but this is Billy. You can't tease him. Everything is different with him, really. It has been for years. You settle on an uncharacteristically shy "thank you."

He looks at you for a moment too long. It makes your heart leap. It gives you hope that has been your constant companion for years. He hasn't given you more than hope, though.

"You're still going to Tom's afters, right?" he asks.

You nod. "Yeah. I think all of the usuals are. Are you?"

Billy smiles. "D'you want me to?"

It makes your stomach flip. It's the bravest, most suggestive thing you think he's ever said to you. You shrug, but grin, blushing. "You're one of the usuals, aren't you?"

"I guess so."

"Then yeah, I do want you to. Who knows when we'll all be together again after this?"

He chuckles. "Aw, don't say that. We'll always be mates."

You don't know about that. But you can't bear to disagree, not when he looks so happy.

You nip home to quickly get out of your formal dress, and you scrub your face clean of the party makeup you had so carefully applied hours earlier at your friend's flat. You peel off the lashes your friend had struggled to put on, and brush through your hair that another friend had pinned. Thinking of them now, your heart swells. They had teased you as you all got ready, asking if you'd make a move on Billy at last.

"Oh, c'mon, everyone knows he likes you!" Sofia said as she carefully carved out an eyebrow with concealer. "I don't know that!" you protested. Devi gripped your chin. "Stop moving! I can't get this lash right." "Sorry! Sorry, keep going." "He's totally in love with you, though. It's so obvious." "Then why hasn't he done anything about it?" you whined. "Because he's a tall, lanky, beanpole of a boy who doesn't know the first thing about talking to girls." Your eye began watering as Devi poked it with the misplaced lash. "He talks to you lot just fine." "Well, yeah," another friend, Abbie, interjected from where she was sat cross-legged in front of the mirror. "We're just his mates. We're not girls to him." "You're teasing me." You laughed dryly. Devi pulled your ear to force you to look at her, and you yelped in pain. She grinned. "We're not fucking teasing you. Why would we lie about this? You think we want to set you up for failure?" Sofia crawled behind you and began brushing your hair. It was funny seeing her with one perfect brow, and one practically bald. "Billy likes you. He's probably in love with you, but nothing is gonna happen unless you make the move first." You sighed and looked down at your hands. Mum had taken you out to get your nails done, and the long acrylics shone in the light of Abbie's bedroom. "What if I make a move, and he rejects me?" Devi replied first. "We'll pin him down and shave his head." "We'll pin him down and cut off his balls," Abbie offered. You couldn't help but laugh at that. "Wow. What an offer." You paused for a moment while Devi finally set the lash in place on your eye. You looked in the mirror at your reflection and saw a pretty girl stare back. It made you reach for a shot of London Dry - tasted like paint stripper, but the cheapest Tesco could offer - and you winced. "You really think I have a chance with him?" Devi rolled her eyes, but Sofia squeezed your shoulders. "Absolutely. Trust us. You just need to go for it." "This 'will they, won't they' has been going on since GCSEs," Abbie added as she wrapped a thick strand of hair around her curler. "Tonight's your last chance." "Well," you replied, blinking. "I guess if I reject him, I never have to see him again." Devi nodded confidently. "That's the spirit."

Dad took you to Tom's - it's only a twenty-minute bus ride away, but he had insisted. It helps, though, as you've got a small overnight bag with a few bottles of booze that you don't feel like worrying about on public transport. Both your parents are fine that you're going to an afters with drinking - they know your friends, and they trust you all to be sensible. Besides, it's better to do that kind of thing in a safe environment, rather than getting pissed in a park, or something.

The car ride seems to last forever, but eventually you get there. Billy is arriving at the same time. Your heart leaps.

"Hiya, mate," Dad says when Billy approaches the car as you get out.

"Evening, sir," he replies politely.

"How many times have I said? You can call me-"

"Thanks, Dad," you interrupt with a laugh.

"Yeah, alright, alright," he chuckles. "Here, Bill, you'll look after my girl tonight, yeah? Make sure she doesn't get into trouble?"

"Course I will," Billy replies with a smile. "Don't need to worry about her. Besides, there's only a handful of us, nothing wild."

"Glad to hear it. You want a lift home in the morning?"

"No, thanks, Lana's coming to get me."

"Alright. Best to my parents, yeah?"

He nods and smiles. "Yeah. Have a good one, sir."

Before Dad can reply, you close the car door and turn to Tom's house. You link your arm through Billy's before he can talk to your dad more, and you ring the doorbell.

"Hi," he says quietly.

You glance up at him. God, he's so tall. It makes you blush again. "Hi."

He's dressed similarly to you now; out of the evening finery, he's changed his suit for jeans and a soft, black tshirt. You wear something similar for this, although you've made sure to replace your heavy party make up with something lighter that still makes your eyes pop. At least, that's the effect you're hoping for.

"You look nice," he tells you, just like he did at prom.

You laugh quietly. "I'm not looking anything special."

He doesn't respond. Instead, he looks down. You almost say something else, but then Tom opens the door and cheers you in welcome. He brings Billy in for a hug, and then you, and you kiss him on the cheek. Reaching into your bag, you produce the two bottles of vodka, and he cheers again.

"I bloody love you, d'you know that?" Tom tells you with a loud laugh. He kisses your forehead and then drags you into the kitchen, where everyone else is. Both you and Billy are welcomed by the friends you saw an hour ago in cocktail dresses and ill-fitting suits, and most of them are already getting their units in. Everyone is relaxed, and everyone is happy.

Billy sits alone in the front room, wringing his hands. It's the early hours of the morning, and the loud music has been traded for something quieter. A few people are in the garden, using the barbecue pit inappropriately, and a few people are getting off in the bedrooms upstairs.

He's spent the night trying to get enough liquid courage to approach you. It's worked now and again, to a certain degree. He's played against you in a messy game of beer pong, and he's stood next to you and taken a hit from the single blunt being passed around. When he put his lips around it after you, he felt giddy knowing that it had just been against your mouth. If he closed his eyes, it almost felt like a kiss.

Time is slipping through his fingers. He's about to get up from the sofa when the door opens, and there you are. There are butterflies in his stomach. God, you look so pretty. You looked pretty at prom, with fancy hair and a special dress and long lashes that hooded your eyes, but now... now you're just... you. You're perfect. Just as you are.

"Hey," he says quietly. His voice cracks.

You smile. "Hey. Want some company?"

He nods, and leans back on the sofa in a charade of comfortability. Still, his knee is bouncing nervously. He takes a long sip of Stella from the can. "Having a nice night?"

"Yeah. People are starting to go to sleep, though, I think. Thought I'd see if I could bag a sofa."

"Oh, yeah, sure." He moves to get up. "Have this one."

"No, you don't have to go, Billy." You smile up at him and grab his wrist. It makes the breath catch in his throat. "Stay. Please?"

He looks down at you through the dim light of the living room. There are no lights on, but outside, the street light filters through the privacy nets. It sends an unnatural orange across the room. His heart is in his throat. You look so perfect here. He obeys you, and sits back down.

"Where's Tom?" he asks quietly after a moment, struggling to catch a topic to fix on. But he wants to talk to you about anything at all.

You laugh quietly. "Shagging Sofia's brains out, I think."

"Oh." Billy's cheeks flush. Even hearing you mention sex sends bolts of heat through him. God, do you know what sex is? Do you want sex? Do you wanna have sex with him? God, what does your skin feel like? Fuck, he-

"I wonder if they'll make it official for the summer," you muse. You don't notice how he shifts slightly where he sits.

"I dunno. She's going up north for uni, right?"

You nod. "Sheffield Hallam. But there's trains to Sheffield, so..."

He nods. "Tickets are mental, though. Not sure he could afford them regularly on an apprentice wage." He looks up at you. "You glad you're not going to uni?"

You nod and smile and lean your head against the back of the sofa. "Yeah. Maybe I'll go when I'm a proper grown up," and you put air quotes around the phrase, making him laugh, "but for now I just wanna get a job and see how it goes."

He mirrors you. "Me too."

"I'm gonna stay at the cafe until after the summer, though."

"Yeah?"

You turn to face him a bit more, pulling one knee up on the sofa. He swallows and bites his lip. "Yeah. I don't wanna work too hard just yet. I want one last summer of fun."

Billy smiles slightly, wondering if the yellow light hides his blush. "Me too. We're only young once, right?"

You nod, and a comfortable silence falls between you. He watches as you trace a pattern on your knee. You can feel his gaze on you, and after a while, you look up. His pretty, blue eyes lock with yours. Both of you stop breathing for a moment.

It feels like a spell is put over you. If either of you speak, or move, perhaps it will be broken. So you just look at one another. It makes your heart race. It gives him butterflies in his stomach. Seconds pass. Heat pricks his skin.

He finds courage that has evaded him his whole life. He breathes your name. The spell remains heavy between you. "I... I don't know how to say it."

Your voice is a whisper. "Say what?"

"I..."

You shift on the soft sofa and lean a little closer to him. You're both sat fully facing each other now, and you rest your hand in front of his on the cool leather. "Billy..."

He swallows thickly. "I want... to spend the summer with you."

You blink. You're not sure what he means. But there is something vulnerable in his eyes that you don't often see. "Yeah. I mean, we're mates, we'll see each other."

"Not as... not as mates."

Between you, he stretches his fingers slightly, and suddenly your fingertips are touching his. Nothing else exists.

All you feel is where your skin meets his.

All you see are his eyes. His mouth.

He whispers your name again. "I... you know how I feel. Don't you?"

"I don't know," you breathe unsteadily.

His thumb runs up the side of your finger, and the intensity of the feeling makes your eyes close. "I... I like you. Like, really like you."

This feels too good to be true. "As a friend?"

"No." When you don't pull your hand away, he finds the strength to weave his fingers through yours. God, you feel so small in his hand. He wants to hold you, to protect you, to make you feel so good. "As more than friends."

"Billy."

The way you lean forward without realising makes him want to cry with relief, with want. He's never kissed anyone before. He's never wanted to kiss anyone but you.

With his free hand, he gently touches your cheek with his knuckles, and his touch glides along your jaw. A very soft noise of delight escapes him when his fingers glide over your hair. And then he leans forward, and he kisses you.

In the morning, you wake up to the sound of people rattling around the kitchen. It sounds like a clean up from last night. That's the tradition - if someone hosts, everyone else has to help clean up the next morning, no matter how bad the hangovers are.

It takes a moment for you to remember where you are. You're on the sofa with someone between you and the back of it. Looking down, you see very familiar hands around you. Billy is pressed tight behind you, and his arms are strong. You press against him slightly, and when he makes a noise of acknowledgement on the skin of your neck, you shiver.

"Billy," you whisper. He murmurs your name in response. You turn over in his arms and press your forehead against his. This tightly wrapped against him, your nose bumps against his. "Did you mean what you said last night?"

He nods, still half asleep. You're still a bit foggy from it, too. Luckily, you don't get hangovers, so at least there's no pain. "I want you," he whispers hoarsely.

You kiss his cheek, and it sends sparks through your whole body. "I want you, too."

Relief like no other you've ever felt washes over you. You pull yourself from his arms and stand up. When he buries his face into the cushions, you laugh and tug his hand. "C'mon, Billy. It's time for clean up."

With a groan, he drags himself up off the sofa, and stands up with stooped shoulders. Your eyes close when he touches his forehead against yours again. You feel sweaty and unclean, but it's such a sweet moment that it's easy to push aside. For a moment at least. Billy tries to kiss you, and you pull away with a laugh.

"Clean up first," you tell him.

Again, he groans, but he is smiling. "And then?"

"And then we have the summer of our lives."

[wormsin]

Do you think DC is writing Bruce's character so into the ground that they're evntually going to separate the Dynamic Duo for good? It's no secret that Nightwing is basically surpassing Batman in popularity now, and most fans are fed up with Bruce's character, practically to the point of hating him and wanting him no where near the BatFam. Do you think DC will give in to these kinds of wishes, and have them keep their lives/stories apart for good? I doubt they'd want to risk Nightwing's high status. (If anything I think they're writing Batman so terribly so they can make an excuse to be rid of him - at least for a while?)

I haven't been caught up on Batman, Detective Comics, Nightwing or World's Finest since the end of 2022 so I don't know what you're referring to specifically. what are people mad at Bruce for now?

but no, DC is absolutely not going to ever break up Batman from Nightwing/Batclan/Batman Rogues and Villains stories in any kind of permanent way.

first of all, Batman is *enormously* popular. whatever subset of fans don't like him, they are a minority. Batman and Batman-related titles have basically been DC's #1 seller since the 90s. in 2021 and 2022, Batman-related titles accounted for 38% of all DC's new releases. and like, that's including Nightwing, Robins, Rogues, Villains, etc. but a lot of it is the big guy himself. I'm fairly sure it's its own big department in DC. and they are spending the most money and hiring the 'best' artists and writers for Bruce.

Nightwing is growing in popularity but is still outperformed by several Batman issues. there are plenty of pop crit articles in the last few years about how Nightwing might be better and more popular than Batman, which is laughable because Tom Taylor's writing is flat as a crepe.

DC *has* removed Bruce before! he was lost in time and Dick was Batman for 2+ publication years. Dick was out of commission as Nightwing for that, for Grayson (2014-2016) *and* as Ric (2018-2020). it's not unheard of to remove or fundamentally alter a main character for like two years—

before returning to the status quo.

anyway, I think the larger point is that there is not going to be character development or emotional continuity between any Batman-related titles, ever. whatever is going on with Damian's relationship to Bruce in the Batman title is going to have no bearing on Damian's relationship to Bruce in Batman and Robin. they can't even maintain continuity between Nightwing and Batman when Dick and Bruce are in the same room. they can't remotely keep a coherent timeline of events, and we often have multiple Bruce plots running at once in Gotham in ways that break space time!

this is due to DC's publication structure. and it makes it very hard for writers to do things to characters and the world that have actual impact in the long-term. so whatever conflicts or turmoil happen in a run, they have to be resolved within the run because the next three writers are not necessarily going to know or care about it. (this is why Bruce "gets away" with being a Huge Ass.)

even if we just take the Watsonian look at things, there is nothing Bruce could do that Dick would not forgive. Bruce has done plenty, and Dick is still there for him. it's a pretty core part of Dick's character.

but DC does like to blow up Bruce's relationships and fuck up his character growth. so it is possible they're gearing up for a temporary family conflict or Bruce-solo time. now I have to catch up on comics and see what the hell is going on.

[denimbex1986]

"No, not at all. No, no, I, I don't - I don't; I, I, I, I don't really think that that's too much of my business really. Um, you know, I have to be in the world that we are in; I mean, of course in some unconscious way, I think that goes into - goes into, your, your mind, and I think there's something about the tone of, um, mysteriousness that I think is important and that's, that - that reflects, you know, the story visually but also, you know, emotionally, so you don't want to do anything that's - I think it's restraint; I think you, you want to give as restrained a performance if it's visually, uh, restrained. Um, but no, I don't, I, I don't - I never look at the video village; I'm not one of those people that do that. I don't - it's terrifying; it just, it just breaks your imagination - you just look at your big, stupid face and - absolutely, I can't bear it. And then when you go into do your ADR, which is where you post sync, you know, the sound, there's always a, a still of you having - and it's always - you're pretending that you're cool about everything but actually you're just, you're just - it's like, I always say it's like, it's like listening to your voice on your voice, you know when you hear your voice on someone else's answering machine; you think: 'I don't sound like that', - it's like that except multiply it by ten."

"Yeah, I suppose one has to work out a little bit that, you know, what, what his talent is, and that's one of his great talents is that he's able to sort of shapeshift. But like Steve was saying, I think the great achievement of the novel is that, um, I think Patricia Highsmith, encourages us - invites us - to, to imagine what it's like to be Tom Ripley. rather than to be a victim of Tom Ripley, and that's very - very unusual. And so, in that sense, I think for the audience, if we're looking for the, uh, protagonist, who does these terrible things to get away with it, then I think we have to look at actually not what's different about it, but different or actorly about us, but actually that we're all shapeshifters really. You know, we see somebody who treats us, uh, with, um, cheerfulness, and we behave in a completely different way than we would if somebody was rude to us in a, you know, in the chemist, you know, whatever, you know? So that, so that, we're able to, um, shapeshift, you know - we do that every single day. He does it to, to an extreme, and I think he just is able to understand that and, um, and actually it's to just, um, not gild the lily too much. I think, um, I think that actually is not particularly interesting. I think we want - I think there's a certain, um, uh, technical thing that you have to be able to sound a little bit like Johnny who plays Dickie, or at certain times, Eliot, or even then sometimes - he's very good at that, and I had to be able to do that. Italian; they speak Italian - but I didn't think of him like an actor; I actually think like actually his great talent is to be able to understand how to charm every single person. Like, actually a lot of people are able to do that, not just actors."

"No, I think, I think the, the exciting thing about Tom Ripley is that he doesn't know anything. I think when you have these famous literary heroes, they develop a reputation like a psychopath, that he's a genius or something like that. I think one of the things that I, I was really appreciative of - one of the things that Steven and I talked an awful lot about - was the fact that he makes so many mistakes. And so those mistakes are, you know, important. They're as important as the, the genius, you know, because that's what makes him human and uh, you know, so you have to sort of unlearn a lot of this, the - the ideas that you have about, about the character. So I don't think he knows; I think, I think those, those mistakes - I also don't think he's a natural born killer - I think he's kind of - he finds blood like, again in, in, in this episode that you just watched, that he finds it kind of disgusting. It's not something he's, he's used to and I think that's, like for the majority of the audience - I'm not sure about the audience tonight - but most of us I would suppose have not murdered, so we have - couple of silent voices there, the night is young - um, but, but the, you know, that we, we should be invited into go: 'What would I do?' and that's why I think, you know, that's why I think it's so exciting, because um, we're invited to, to, to explore that, that - those dark thoughts - and, and what we might do, and that would involve a lack of expertise."

"Well we were really fixated on all those things; that's one of the things that we talked about so much is like the actual logic, and the actual pleasure in looking at somebody thinking: 'Right -', you know - to see that, you know, it's a really fascinating thing to watch. 'What is he thinking about?' And so we would, even if - you know, in a novel, you're able for four pages to imagine what the - you don't even need to imagine, you - you're told what he's thinking - so how do you translate that into, into the televisual medium, and how do you act that right?"

"When Steve and I first met, the first thing he showed me was the ashtray, you remember that? And I have the ashtray. It's - it's green."

[destinyc1020]

Destiny I like you coz you are always giving sensible answers even when it's not necessary. Just because Tom gave one of his best interviews to Jay doesn't mean anon (or anyone) has to like him tbh. His interview with Tom was the first and probably the only thing of his I will watch (and mind you idk what that reddit thread is going on about). It's more than OK for you guys to not like someone Tom (or Z) have interacted with. Lord knows I have a list of names 🤫

I agree. 💯 Just because someone was interviewed by someone, or even spotted hanging with someone, and then smthg breaks out, it doesn't have any bearing on that individual, because they can't control grown adults... and how were they supposed to know a scandal was going to come out afterwards? 🥴

That's like how Tom and Z were spotted chatting it up with Lizzo at the Beyoncé concert not too long ago, and then now... we all know the scandal Lizzo is now involved in. 👀 She also just did a Barbie movie soundtrack number.... like NOBODY knew this stuff was gonna come out. Who could have predicted this stuff?

Michael B Jordan spent a lot of time working with and doing press with his costar Jonathan Majors for "Creed 3". He didn't know Jonathan was gonna be accused of assault literally a week or two after they JUST presented at the Oscars together this year! 🥴

Y'all need to separate your faves from ppl they work with, or are just doing simple interactions with. Nobody can predict or control what someone else (who's a grown adult) does in their private life, neither do I think they should be punished or looked down upon if they associated with that person at one time. 🤷🏾‍♀️

That's like ppl looking down on you just cuz you were always friendly and cordial with your fellow coworker, who then later on got busted for drug possession and killing his wife. YOU had nothing to do with that! 😅

Anyway, let me get off my soapbox lol.

[dadr0ckmusic]

stranger things headcanons because i said so (fruity four + billy)

basically them in my dr

steve harrington

does restaurant challenges unironically. like he has to eat a big wet daddy burger in an hour just for a plaque on the wall and a pic with the owner smh

calls his car babygirl

modern au where he texts the girl he likes at 1:11, 2:22, etc just to get her hopes up

loves madonna. you can't tell me otherwise

he does yoga. and if you catch him he'll threaten your life

calls his house 'the love shack'

if you were just becoming friends with him he would listen to your music or do your hobbies with you just to make you happy

would totally rock out to stacy's mom

he gives off lactose intolerant vibes. i do not make the rules.

would definitely have playlists called "alt songs that make you drink monster" or "sad vibes" or "coronavirus got me like"

would've fucking KILLED on grindr

would love twilight. he's on team jacob

laughs at minion memes

robin buckley

the literal queen of your mom jokes

she would totally say "who up wonking they willy rn"

would work at spencer's

she had a ton of hamsters that died the most traumatic deaths when she was a kid and they're all buried in her backyard

loooves poop and fart jokes

she still sleeps with the same stuffed bear she had when she was little (and we are NOT judging)

says "oh my goodness gracious" at the funniest possible times

would literally FUCK at rainbow loom

her childhood room was purple and steve picks on her for it

cannot use chopsticks to save her life

one time steve made her mad so she literally WENT OFF THE GRID and he didn't see her for a whole week and he was freaking the fuck out

was a bug girl. worms? fuck yeah. roly polys? best buds. what the fuck is that thing? it has a terrarium now.

literally is the most caring person on the planet. she's always worrying about you and what you're feeling and what you're doing

only eats the marshmallows out of lucky charms

is scared of bees

billy hargrove

he bakes. he bakes cookies, cupcakes, you name it. if you ever catch him he's FORCING you to taste whatever he's making

an AVID reader. he's got books all over his room, stolen library books in the glove box of his car, and he's reading the hawkins post every morning no matter what

his mom taught him how to sew. lets say after a mishap with the whole 'different dimension' thing, you're bummed cause you got a hole in your favorite shirt. billy would be like "i can fix it for you" and you're like "what??" but he just gets mad and goes "just give me the fucking shirt" and then the next day he's bringing it to you good as new

hates cooked carrots

can fall asleep anywhere. couch, car, at a party, you name it. he will find a spot to fall asleep

he was actually very interested in supernatural stuff when he was younger. and then when max started telling him about everything billy was like "wait. i read this about... blah blah blah" and max is just so surprised

he can totally make a mean cocktail. you want a pina colada? whipped up in seconds. craving a margarita? he's got the salt ready. feeling like an old fashioned? liquor's already in front of him.

he never wears sunscreen. not a single spf anywhere on his body.

calls girls broads and you can NOT tell me otherwise

totally thinks metallica was at its best in their thrash era. sorry bud i'd hate to break it to you

hates the fourth of july cause of y'know.

i feel like he would totally get into dog rescue after he leaves hawkins.

would totally kick ass at mario kart. like he's THE BEST and he always chooses bowser

would totally bash you for your music taste if it was different than his. "what the hell is a beatle?" "mick jagger is not hot." "queen? aren't they gay?" "zeppelin? who taught you that?"

a literal GOD at making mac n' cheese

nancy wheeler

so so so stubborn it's actually annoying.

call her 'einstein' and you're six feet under the floorboards

the tom cruise poster in her room has stared her in the face ever since robin commented on it

nancy's actually amazing at rollerskating. like even mike was surprised because when did she get good at that?

she has nightmares about what happened to barb multiple times a week :(

please know that if you're really close to her she would kill someone for you. no hesitation.

she's super literal? like when someone asks a hypothetical question she's like "when would this happen? why w-" and then immediately get cut off

has a tonnn of notebooks/journals just filled with random stuff like doodles, school notes, reminders, and little ramblings

has plants named after each of her friends and when something's wrong with one of the plants, there's always something wrong with the friend.

is a feminist (slay)

she saves every birthday card given to her and keeps them in a box in her closet

she's a morning person. up and at 'em before 9 every morning and it pisses the gang off when they all sleep in the wheeler's basement. "nancyyyyy..... close the curtains i beg of you..." "it's such a beautiful day, don't you think?"

she's actually amazing at shoplifting.

eddie munson

is allergic to peanuts

when i tell you this man is spontaneous... think 100x more. he'll pull up to your house at 11pm and declare that he planned a road trip while sitting in detention earlier that day and that you're going with him. "eddie what are you doing here? it's so late." "we're going to ohio. we're gonna stop in columbus for like five minutes and drive back." "what the hell."

has cried to sweet child o' mine and will keep that fact to his grave

owns multiple pairs of boxers with superhero logos on them.

definitely has 10 in 1 shampoo that he uses for everything.

ate dirt as a child

if you ever smoke pot with him, just expect him to say the weirdest shit while he's doing whatever. "do you think steve is thinking about me right now?" "yoooooo...... uh.... yo..... um...... i forgot....." "i want to get a cat." "shut up eddie."

he's just,,,, so oblivious,,,,, to sarcasm, flirting, jokes, etc

has ADHD, no doubt about it.

just like billy, he'll bash you on your music taste no matter what. even if you like the same music as him. "that's your favorite tool song? god, you could do way better than that." "c'mon, you know that dio sang better than ozzy." "munson, you're lying straight through your teeth and you know it."

will make you friendship bracelets and you KNOW you're wearing them till you die.

modern au where you're facetiming him and he takes SO MANY facetime pics of you and sometimes makes them his lockscreen. he thinks he's THE SHIT for that.

he giggles. a total giggler.

he flicks dustin in the head all the time.

[slimeypuppy]

I miss reading kendall and stewy moments together, can we have some agent au? Maybe before the big drama with roman like on a mission? Xxxxxx thank you in advance!

Somehow, over the last few years, Kendall has become the most important person in Stewy's world. His safety, his smile, his kiss, now dominate Stewy's mind as if they're all that matter anymore. Maybe they are. Stewy has no way to reconcile a life that Kendall is not in, his chest aching at the mere thought of such a thing. He simply can't bear a separation such as this.  

It's only two months, he reminds himself as he wraps up his first week in Milan. Just two months and then he'll be able to curl up next to Kendall again like he's gotten far too used to doing. He can survive this. It's easy. Use the scorned wife as an in, remind her what a good evening with an attentive lover feels like, and just like that he'll have an in to get the information he needs from her husband. The torture is usually Kendall's gig, but Stewy is still more than capable on his own. He doesn't need Kendall; Kendall needs him. It'll do him well to remember this. 

Against his better judgement, he dials Ken's long memorized number into his burner cell and listens to its monotone ring for as long as he can stand it. All in all, that's only about thirty seconds, if that. He's weak. And yet, to pour salt into the wound, he calls a second time. Kendall answers now, clearly at least a little confused. Stewy, like an idiot, hadn't considered the time difference. It doesn't matter now; Kendall is already on the other end of the line. 

"Hello?" Ken drawls groggily. 

"Nice of you to answer," Stewy replies, trying to sound blasé as opposed to the desperation he really feels. "I was worried you had gotten yourself killed without me there to watch your back. Glad you're still alive."

"Oh, fuck you," Ken responds, more awake now than when he had been just moments prior. That's what life as an agent does to someone, Stewy supposes. He doesn't really care, so long as Ken is awake and alive. "What is it you need?"

"Maybe I just wanted to talk to you. Did you ever think of that, babe?"

Kendall allows the silence to brew between them, not at all pressed with filling the space. Stewy hates that about him; say what you will about Kendall Roy, but he's uniquely gifted at waiting the other party out, a skill neither Shiv nor Roman ever seemed to master. He just sits there, waiting on the other end of their relatively unsecure call, anticipating that Stewy will break first and explain what he called for. The only problem is that Stewy doesn't have a real reason. He called because he missed Kendall. If he admits that, he may as well just shoot himself now. There's no other point. Somehow, though, he's certain that Ken is aware of Stewy's true motivations. He saw the joke for what it was- a mocking way to tell him the truth. He may be slow, and often three steps behind, but by now he knows how to read Stewy like a Goddamn book. The smug bastard is probably smiling to himself right now. He's probably so proud. There's no way he's not.

"You've been working the Shiv angle on this, haven't you?" Stewy finally asks. "You can't possibly be sitting on your ass while I'm gone. You're not that useless."

"Very funny. Yeah, I've been talking to her and this guy she's been seeing. You know Wambsgans, right?"

"She's seeing him?"

Just like that, all the blood in Stewy's body runs cold. He knows Tom, worked with him in the service from time to time. If Shiv is getting close to him, it's because she's blind to who he really is. Now, don't get him wrong, Stewy doesn't particularly care what happens to Shiv, but this could have a major impact on Kendall, and really the whole industry. This is a mess, so much so that he doesn't even know where to start. He'll have to call Sandy when he and Kendall hang up for the night, that's for certain. Maybe even Rava, or perhaps Logan Roy himself. There's no reason to tip-toe the subject. People could get hurt. Ken could get hurt. 

"Listen to me," Stewy orders, "where did she meet him?"

"At some bar. He works for us, already did when they met. What's going on?"

Stewy hesitates. "I just know him really well, is all, so. I'll talk to some of my contacts and get back to you on that, if you care at all."

"Of course I care. Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

They leave it at that for a long moment. It's only Kendall that Stewy can sit in comfortable silence with. Even Sandy he feels obligated to impress. He doesn't need to impress Kendall any more than he already has. That ship has sailed as far as it can. Somehow, though, sitting on the phone with Ken, listening to him breathe, is a balm to every blister on Stewy's raw soul. 

"When are you coming home?"

Stewy sighs. "The end of August, like I said before I left," he reminds. "This is the long game here. I know you're all guts and gore, but finesse is just as if not more important in our line of work. Relax, I'll be home before you know it. I promise."

This doesn't seem to actually reassure Kendall, but Stewy has done what he can. There's no leaving this assignment to make sure Ken feels no fear, longing or pain. They're adults and must act like it. Someone has to carry on the missions of the world and well, if not them, then who?

He reminds himself of the feeling of Ken's short hair beneath his fingers. It's not quite soft, but it's something close enough to it to feel like safety when Stewy indulges in touching it in the minutes right before falling asleep or right after waking up. It soothes him more than he realized before it was gone, halfway across the world just like the man it belongs to. All Stewy is left with is the memory of the sensation. 

"I miss you," he finally admits. "I really do. I've gotten spoiled by always having you beside me."

"I do spoil you, don't I?" Kendall muses in response. He sounds so pleased with himself. 

"From time to time," Stewy concedes, but that's as far as he'll go, he decides. 

Ken laughs, and Stewy feels lighter by the time they hang up four hours later. 

[charliedawn]

The Joke's on Us part 4

Warning : possessive behavior.

A dark shadow floats on top you and gently caresses your face.

" Soon..We'll be reunited, old friend."

Penny gasps, recognizing that shadow from the deep confines of his memories..Maturin had mentioned him when they were still friends.

" Shardik.."

At the mention of his name, the shadow quickly turns towards Penny whose breath stops. Shardik's smile widens and he floats on top of Penny to stare at him straight in the eyes.

" Ah..You must be one of the creatures Maturin created. A shame, I really thought you would be more..impressive ?"

Penny only snarls at him before responding with a threat.

" What were you doing ? I swear that if you touch her..I'll kill you."

The entity, far from being intimidated, only laughs loudly at Penny's menace which seems to amuse him more than anything.

" Really ? And how will you do that without your powers, Penny ? Don't forget that I am as powerful as you were and as old as Maturin. Funny, the old turtle really thought you and Pennywise could stop me when he is gone. Imagine how much he was disappointed when he realized that your hatred towards humanity was blinding you. He never got you those powers to use them against humans, or children..He wanted you to protect them. But, now that the old turtle is dead and you two are too weak to stop me. I'll be able to rule over that planet. I'll suck upon its energy until there is nothing left. I'll even start with you little charming town. Derry, is it ?"

Penny glares up at him, but had to admit that he can't protect you like this. Now that he is only human, he is happy, happier than he's ever been..but..The shadow chuckles evilly in the shell of his ear.

" That planet has been without order for much too long..It passed its life expectancy hundreds of years ago..But don't worry, as soon as I will have ate her, Maturin's powers will be in me and I will make sure to bring an end to humanity.."

Penny growls at the mention of you being eaten by Shardik and tries to jump on him with a roar.

" Don't you dare touch her !"

However, he suddenly wakes up, covered in sweat and sees that you are the one who woke him up. Your eyebrows are tensed in obvious worry and, without any words, Penny wraps his arms around you. He had felt fear before..but not like that..never like that..His heart is racing against his ribcage and he is holding onto you like it is the last time.

" P..Penny ? Are you alright ?"

Your question makes him open his eyes and come back to reality. You are running your hand gently on top of his head, smoothing his hair in the process to calm him down. He finally steps back and looks at Pennywise that had woken up as well. The both of them had felt it..He was coming back. You look at the both of them with a confused expression and finally ask, tired by the secrecy of both men.

" That's it. What's going on ? Why do you look so grave all of a sudden ?!"

Penny doesn't answer, he only stands up and gets out of the room without another word. You turn towards Pennywise, hoping for some kind of explanation. He doesn't peep either and only returns to the sofa that had become his bed for the time being. However, you don't let it go and sit in front of him with a determined look on your face.

" Now, you're going to tell me what's going on."

You didn't mean to make it sound like an order, but you couldn't just let them fend for themselves anymore. Pennywise finally turns towards you and sighs loudly before telling you what this was all about.

" Penny and I always had a very deep connection with Maturin, we could feel his presence and so could he. However, Maturin is not the only entity out there. The world has at least 12 entities guarding it. One of them being Shardik..Shardik is one of the twelve guardians of Beams that hold up The Dark Tower. It is a cyborg bear that stands over forty feet tall and one ugly unkillable bastard with more energy than millions of suns. He was pissed to know that I killed his brother and wanted to come and exterminate this planet on which lives his brother's murderer..But like many, he was scared of us. But now that we lost our powers ? He's coming, and with you being the turtle's successor ? We will all die for sure."

You lean against the back of your chair and sigh loudly. You only are a painting teacher..Of course he would crush you. But, that didn't mean you had to give up.

" Well, aren't you the optimist ?! Why don't you show me how to fight instead of complaining ?!"

He ignores you and only turns his back to you as he pretends to fall asleep again. You stand up and suddenly throws his blanket off. That get a reaction and you can hear a growl from him as he stands up to face you menacingly.

" Why ?! You want to know why ?! Because of this !"

He suddenly takes you by the shoulder and digs his thumb in your wounded flesh. You whine in pain and Pennywise immediately retracts his hand.

" Do you really think that you'll ever be able to vanquish Shardik the bear with a human body ?! He would squish you in an instant! Learn how to heal yourself, then we'll talk about your fighting skills.."

You glare at him: deep inside, you know he is right, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. You humph at him before leaving the room to join your bedroom, but then, you hear someone crying upstairs. You follow the sound and find Penny, sitting on the floor and leaning against one of the corridor's wall. He looks up at you when he hears you approaching and you crouch by his side with a reassuring smile.

" Hey..We're going to be okay..Alright ?"

You try to comfort him, but he only sobs.

" What if..What if you can't beat him ? What if the only solution is for us to get back into who we were ?"

You sigh, knowing that if there were to be no other solution, you would have to break your promise..You would have to hurt them, one way or another.

" I guess I'll have to change you back. I know that I prefer you to have the choice but..If there are no other solution, I'll have to break my promise. I can't let you die. Not when I know I could have avoided it.."

You sit next to him and you both stay quiet for a moment, lost in your thoughts until Penny looks at you with his eyes full of uncertainty.

" And what if I don't want to get back to what I was ? What if I want to stay human ?"

You can't help but smile and tears start to build up in your eyes..Why couldn't the universe leave them alone ? You are so close to them finally accepting their new forms..

" Then, I'll guess it'll be my job to be sure that you don't have to."

He smiles back and before you know it, you are both holding hands. You don't try to get it out, even though you know that at any moment, Penny could come back to his old ways. You're not scared of him, you aren't even sure if you ever really were ? You don't even notice that Pennywise had climbed up the stairs and is now looking at the both of you from afar with a slight frown. He only turns away and waits when he is safe in is bed to grunt.

" What does she find in him..?"

Unaware that his eyes glow a slight orange in the dark for a second.

The next day, you decide that it's grocery shopping time. However, the two clowns are still sound asleep and you take the opportunity to get out alone. Once in the street, you take a breath of fresh air and start walking towards the shop, wondering what you should buy for the two men. You enter the shop and start looking around. You are lost in your thoughts and don't see another person coming in your direction. You suddenly collide with said person and look up to see a man with blue eyes and a nice smile.

" I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."

He extends his hand towards you and you take it with a grateful smile.

" No. It's me. I should have looked where I was going."

His smile widens as you shake his hand. He introduces himself.

" I'm Dan. I don't really know my way around here. I'm the new teacher from down the block."

You smiles politely and introduce yourself as well.

" I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you. I'm the Art teacher of the neighborhood."

His eyes seem to light up at the mention of you being an Art teacher.

" Really ?! You're the Art teacher ? My cousin never stops talking about you. Tom ?"

You seem to remember last time and wince at the memory. Seems like Tom hadn't said anything about the incident..You try your best to keep your composure and automatically feel that you need to make amends somehow.

" Do you want..Do you want a coffee ?"

He smiles again and nods.

" Sure ! Lead the way."

You take your groceries and pay them before getting out. You end up in a small coffee shop and both take what you want before sitting outside.

" I'm sorry. You must think it's weird that I never came before. I just moved in from the States so..Tom isn't even aware that I'm back yet."

Oh. Well, you still hoped that Tom hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened. You smile and shake you head.

" Not at all. Tom is a very nice boy and I always like to meet the families of my students. It helps to understand them better. Although, it's the first time I actually invite a member for a coffee."

" I should be honored then."

He takes a sip of his coffee before winking playfully at you. You blush and let a small chuckle.

" To tell you the truth..Tom and I have been quite distant since our older brother died. I do sometimes feel guilty for leaving him, but.."

You see that he is concerned and put you hand on his compassionately.

" I'm sorry..It must have hurt."

You had heard about Tom losing a brother, he did have a period when he could only draw dark things. Horrible things. It must have been a shock for everyone in his family. Dan smiles gratefully at you before answering.

" Don't worry. It's been a year now. I'm stronger than this."

You smile sadly at him, but then feel two very familiar shadows looming over you from behind. A hand grabs your shoulder and squeezes it in silent warning.

" Hi Y/N. Who is this ?"

Penny..And Pennywise is certainly not far behind. Dan stands up and stretches his hand towards them with a bright smile.

" Oh ! Sorry ! My name is Dan, I'm the brother of one of Y/N's students. And you are ?"

You are about to answer when Pennywise does it for you. He takes his hand and smiles forcefully.

" Pleasure. My name is Robert, and this is Bob. We're her roommates. Unfortunately, she seems to have forgotten about us this morning. You should have woke us up, Y/N. We would have helped you with the groceries."

He may sound calm, but you know better: the way he pronounces the last word makes you understand that he is pissed. Even Dan seems to understand as he retracts his hand and addresses you one last smile.

" Well..I should go. It was nice to meet you, Y/N."

However, he still writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to you.

"Here is my number, just in case."

He then gives one last nod in acknowledgement to the two men before turning and walking away. You have cold sweat running down your back as you can feel the murderous glares of the two clowns behind you.

" Let's go. Shall we ?"

Penny finally ask, more like commands as he grabs you harshly by the arm and drags you towards the house. You just have the time to get your bags. As soon as you are home, you run towards the kitchen and pretend to be busy with putting the grocery items on the shelves and in the fridge.

" W..What do you want for..?"

You don't have the time to finish your sentence as Pennywise suddenly comes behind you and wraps his arms around you.

" Now, princess..You're going to turn around and face us. We're not angry. We just want to talk."

"..Just want to talk..?"

You repeat with a broken voice, making sure that you heard right. Pennywise only nods slowly and you gulp loudly before turning around with your eyes closed tight.

" Come on, darling..You know that we want to see your eyes..Come on."

You tentatively open one eye, then the other in shock. They are not angry..They are very mad. You see that their eyes have changed colors and their skins are white..the same white than a few weeks ago. Suddenly, Penny takes you by the throat and pins you to the fridge while Pennywise presses his nose again your throat. He then inhales deeply and growls perceptibly.

" Looks like your little stunt hurt us more than we thought..I'm smelling your fear, sweetheart. And it smells delicious..One more minute, and we would have surely taken our true appearances back."

You don't understand. You hadn't hurt them, so why are they taking their clown forms back ?! Why are they angry even ?! You try to breathe, but Penny's mouth is against yours in a second..You open your eyes wide 'Everything makes sense now. They are jealous. Pain..They're in pain. You whimper when he bites your bottom lip. But, you don't open your mouth and he groans.

" You are going to open that mouth, sweet thing..Or I'm not sure you'll have a mouth to close at the end of the day.."

You open your eyes wide and tears are falling down your face. You don't have a choice but to open your mouth. But before he could do much, Pennywise gets a hold of him and throws him away from you.

" What the heck, Penny ?! When I said we were supposed to talk, I didn't mean by putting your tongue in her mouth ! Jeez ! Get a hold of yourself, kid !"

For a moment, shame and guilt seem to take a hold of Penny and he shakily stands back. He seems confused himself..Why did he do that ? Pennywise is taken aback by the clown's kiss..Where the heck did he even learn that from ?! Pennywise then returns to you, curled into a little ball on the floor and his heart tightens..Sh*t. They got carried away..Again. He sighs loudly and takes back his human form. Penny also loses his white skin and his yellow eyes. He wants to approach you but, you cry out.

" Don't touch me !"

Penny freezes and tries to nuzzle your neck as an apology, but you frown and push him back.

" No, Penny ! I'm angry ! You didn't have the right ! I didn't want you to be my first kiss ! I wanted someone who loved me !"

He looks up to Pennywise for help, but the older clown just shrugs. He has no idea of what to do..Truth is, he doesn't even know what all the problem is with "first kiss". He knows that a girl had to remain pure in order to marry when he was still alive..But he thought that rule had been abandoned long ago ? However, you seem very upset and Penny doesn't like it when you cry. He tries to think of a solution, of anything to make you forget what happened..He wants to get out the music box, but in your rage, you grab it and smash it against the wall. To your horror, you realize too late what you've done and Penny roars before pouncing on you, his teeths bare and ready to chomp on you. Pennywise tries to make him get off you, but he is too weak and Penny doesn't have any problem pushing him aside. However, Pennywise falls and knocks his head against a nearby table. You can see blood, and so does Penny. Penny quickly gets back to his human form and shakes Pennywise to wake him up.

" Pennywise ! What's going on ?!"

Pennywise only groans in pain when Penny shakes him again. You instantly come by his side and automatically feel the sweat covering his arms and forehead. You then see a strange mark on his neck and blood starts getting out from his nose, eyes and ears. You quickly unbutton his shirt and gasp in horror.

" Oh my God.."

He was covered by black sports that seemed to spread all over him like a..a disease.

" P..Pennywise. Did you have the..?"

" The black plague ?"

He guesses and you nod. He sighs and finally nods.

" Yes. It was not as bad as my family though.."

You bite your lower lip..By how fast it was spreading, he had a few hours at best. The disease seemed to have survived with him. You are about to call the ambulance when Pennywise stops you.

" Don't..Don't call the hospital. Those bastards won't know what to do..They're not prepared. Plus, they could get infected."

You sigh before remembering that..

" Pennywise..You bit me."

Your voice is shaking as you wonder if you will have it too..? Pennywyse's eyes widen and he curses.

" Sh*t. I have no idea.."

You have trouble breathing and put your hands in your pockets as you pace back and force, wondering what you should do ? You suddenly feel something inside your palm and quickly get it out to look at it. Sam's number..Inviting him could maybe break the deal and make them return to what they were ? Save them ? You shiver at the thought. Yes..But at what price ? You look back at Pennywise, his eyes are closed and his breathing very bad..You don't have a choice. You call him. It doesn't take you long to have him on the other side of the line.

" Hello ?"

" Sam ? Hey ! Could you come over ?"

You emphasize on his name, which make both of the clowns groan loudly in disapproval. However, they know what you're trying to do and don't try to stop you.

" Yeah ! Sure! I'll be right here !"

You force yourself to smile, still wanting to sound excited as to see him. However, the clowns seem to slowly change and growl loudly in the background. You hang off and look at them with a small sad smile.

" You know that it's the only way..Please, don't make this even more complicated than it really is."

Both clowns seem to understand your sacrifice and Pennywise slowly takes your hand with, for the first time in forever, tears in his eyes.

" Thank you, sweetheart."

You only nod and then, ask Penny to move him upstairs, as for Dan not to see him. He reluctantly agrees and helps you move the man upstairs. You then ask Penny to go hide in the basement. You prepare yourself and it doesn't take long for the doorbell to ring. You take a big breath before opening the door and letting Dan in. He looks around and finally smiles at you.

" Hi. So, what did you want to talk about ?"

You bite your lip and start thinking of a good reason for his presence.

" I..I just thought that it's been a long time since I've last had company and I wanted to see you again.."

He smiles and nods before sitting down on the couch. You gulp loudly before sitting beside him and looking at everything but him. He seems to catch on your nervousness and gently runs his hand on your back to soothe you.

" Hey, if you're not ready, I understand. I can wait and.."

" No !"

You hadn't meant to sound so desperate, but Pennywise was dying and you didn't know how to save him but to hurt him the only way you could. You take Dan by the collar and suddenly kiss him on the lips. He seems surprised at first, but reciprocates soon enough. You open your eyes and see that his are closed, he is actually enjoying the kiss. You smile. Maybe it wasn't so bad ? Penny and Pennywise would go down to the sewers and you would get to have a normal life back. However, you should have known that things wouldn't be so simple. Dan starts to be more persistent and slowly slides his hand up your thigh.

" No, Dan, wait.."

But he doesn't wait and only deepens the kiss to shut you up. Suddenly, someone pushes you apart harshly and you see Penny that took back his original form. He glares at Dan and growls menacingly before taking you in his arms and running in the basement. When he stops, you call him, nervous and scared that he would hurt you.

" Penny ?"

You ask, afraid that something had gone wrong..But, Penny only smiles with his multiple rows of very sharp teeths before answering you in his familiar high-pitched singing voice.

" ~I'm back.."

You smile in relief, but Penny suddenly takes you by the throat and you only have the time to look at him with widened eyes.

" Don't look at me like that..We wouldn't want Shardik to come and get you.."

When you fall into complete darkness, you barely hear Penny adding something in the shell of your ear.

" Don't worry. When all of this is over, we'll make sure to remind you who you truly belong to..You've been playing with us for too long, pet. With no humanity to abide by, there will be nothing to hold me back.."

Whereas upstairs, Pennywise enters the room transformed as you and takes Dan by the neck to kiss him harshly. However, when Dan opens his eyes, Pennywise is standing before him with a large grin.

" Surprise, shawty ! Not the person you were expecting, huh ? What ? Never kissed a clown before ? Remember that when the girl says no, it means no."

And then, without a warning, Pennywise sinks his teethes into Dan's shoulder. However, he doesn't scream. Pennywise feels something acid in his mouth and quickly steps back with a sour growl.

" You aren't human.."

Dan only chuckles before sitting on the couch in a nonchalant manner. His skin quickly turning to a pale shade of white and his eyes brighten almost mischievously.

" Man..Didn't think it would take you this long to figure it out.."

[romankendall]

mentions of “dog/s” or variations thereof in the HBO series “Succession”

A WORD STUDY: Dog

This is a long post so the body of it will be under the cut.

While watching the series I, like a few people I know, were both surprised and extremely intrigued regarding what was said during S01E08 regarding Roman and Kendall’s childhood game of playing “dogs”. Suddenly I was interested in how the previous episodes (and subsequent episodes) used the word “dog”. When I did any research afterwards I found a treasure trove of information which would have prior to the revelation in episode eight not have meant anything, but afterwards it all became very clear. So here I will endeavour to try and break down the uses of the word (including it’s variations such as “puppy”, “hound” etc.) and my possible interpretations. As a disclaimer, just because I mention something here does not mean I think this is the ONLY way to interpret something, nor do I even commit to my own interpretation, more information will continue to be revealed (hopefully) and it will bring with it more context in which to frame these interpretations around. Let’s have some fun and throw out some wild theories! 

In S01E02, Kendall Roy says “Who's the top dog in this hospital?”

Here they use the word “top dog” meaning the person in charge. It seems like a weird way of Kendall trying to sound “hip” but it now makes sense in a different context.

In S01E02, Shiv Roy says to Tom Wambsgans “I'm not gonna give you a blowjob when your dog dies. Right?”

Is this forshadowing to Shiv’s betrayal of Tom?

In S01E03, Tom Wambsgans says to Greg Hirsch “Dude, are you carrying dogshit?”

Greg is “carrying dogshit”, like later in the series where he is asked to “eat the shit” that the other family member’s had given him, to hide the evidence. Other family members are “dogs”; it’s their shit. An examination of “shit eating” in the Succession universe is probably needed.

In S01E03, Kendall Roy says “I could do with a read from someone without a dog in the fight.”

Referring to the vote of no confidence as a fight between “dogs”

In S01E04, Logan Roy says “Retire me, shoot me like a dog in the street.”

Logan referring to himself as a dog.

In S01E04, Gil Eavis says “I want you to call off your dogs.”

The dogs being the force owned by Roy.

In S01E06, Stewy Hosseini says “I don't have a dog in this fight, Kendall. I abstain.”

Again the vote of no confidence is called a “dog fight”

All the following is from S01E07:

In this episode there are only four mentions of the word dog/puppy and two are contained in one story so we will be primarily analyzing this story from the youth of Connor Roy.

“[Connor Roy] came in here one night, he had this dog with cancer that he couldn't let the vet kill but he couldn't watch it die either, so he dragged that thing around the whole bar asking somebody if they'd take it and give it a good life. He said, I'll pay you. I just can't watch. Anyway, Skunkhead Tanner over there took three grand, shot her in the parking lot.”

Connor was the owner of a dog who could bear to put that dog down, it was dying and in pain but he couldn’t do it. He payed someone put the dog out to pastier but the person instead killed the dog in the parking lot. He loved this flawed dying thing. Maybe Kendall is this dying dog? He’s killing himself with drugs but his family can’t bear to put the thing down, to do something about it. Instead they just watch him waste away.

The other instances of the word dog is during Kendall’s adventure into Meth. On his escapade he meets some kind drug addicts and one of them have this monologue:

“You know, if it wasn't for wolves, we couldn't speak. It's from having to tell dogs what to do that we actually had a need to talk out loud, you know, to command 'em?”

The drug addict is talking about commands, about telling dogs what to do. If the Roys are a family of dogs, is this not saying that the children of Logan Roy are dogs who have been trained to obey commands?

Finally, the only other instance of a dog word being mentioned is when Roman is called a “sick puppy” by Connor when he brings up the seeming lie that Connor Roy sexually abused Roman as a child. This accusation seems false as Roman doesn’t push the issue and it seems more like a joke, but is it? So far the study hasn’t show it to be anything other than a mean joke.

All the following is from S01E08:

This is the episode that made me rethink my entire investment into the show and the dynamics within the series.

The first mention of the word “dog” is from Stewey who convinces Roman to hold the bachelor party at Rhomboid instead of Prague. He says

My girlfriend and her fuckin' freak dogs run these...You ever heard of these parties, Rhomboid?

This doesn’t seem related to the topic but I thought I’d mention it.

On the walk up to the party, through the tunnels, a conversation between Roman and Kendall, Roman says:

“Guess I finally broke out of the cage. Can't keep a good dog down, right, Ken?”

Here, Roman is the first to bring up the past of him being a “dog” and of the events of their childhood involving the cage. Kendall looks visually confused, it seems like the “cage” and “dog” aspect has been weighing on Roman’s mind for a while.

This culminates in the famous conversation where Roman blurts out:

“He used to lock me in a cage.”

Kendall acts as if he doesn’t remember but Roman pushes the issue.

“What, you're pretending that you don't remember the dog pound? ... I had to go climb in this big dog cage in the kitchen and wait for someone to come collect me... Might be three minutes, might be the whole afternoon.”

Important information; the cage is in the kitchen (I’m confused about that fact. Needs to be investigated. Important information), Roman was four years old and he had to “wait to be collected”.

He was:

“...eating dog food out of a cold tin bowl.”

Roman asks:

“I enjoyed being in a cage with a leash around my neck?”

Roman later asks his older brother Connor if he remembers:

“Do you remember anything about a dog pound when we were growing up?”

Connor confirms the memory and adds more information:

“Sure, the big cage, yeah, in your mother's place. The laundry room in Cheltenham.”

But despite making Roman satisfied by confirming the memory, tells Roman:

“No, you liked it! It was really weird, but I think you enjoyed it.”

Roman double checks:

“OK, so I asked to eat dog food?”

Connor adds some final information.

“It was chocolate cake. I think.”

Roman doesn’t believe it:

“No. Kendall locked me in a cage. I went weird, I started wetting the bed and that's why Dad sent me away to St. Andrews.”

Connor denies the narrative:

“No, Rome, Dad sent you to military school because you asked to go.”

Sorry about all this backstory, but for a full word study we need the context.

Later in the episode, Shiv shows up at Nate’s and asks him:

“...Can I stay? But with you, as a human dog just at the foot of the bed?”

She is asking this man to be a “human dog”. This scene is juxtaposed with the childhood story. The scene cuts to Kendall and Connor talking, Connor reaffirms Roman having liked the “game” and that in fact Kendall also enjoyed it:

“I mean, you did too. You know, just messin' around.”

Then Connor imparts some wisdom directly from the mouth of their father:

“Dad's theory was you got two fighting dogs, you send the weak one away, you punish the weak one. Then everyone knows the hierarchy, then everyone's happy.”

The final use of the word “dog” in the episode is in reference to Stewey being easily controlled:

“Stewy will follow the money like a dog in a cartoon.”

As I said previously, this is the episode that made me rethink the dynamics and start this word study so it is the first one despite being episode 8. Dogs are a central figure in the succession universe and are both a positive and negative aspect. Puppy’s are weak, to be “top dog” is a good thing and to be “a old hound” is a bad thing. Dogs are beloved pets but they can also bite the hand the feeds them. They are often locked in cages but a strong dog can escape them.

In S01E09, Shiv Roy says “What are we gonna do? Put the dogs on [Logan Roy]? Tell him there's no seat, he's gotta stand? Like, he's given us no choice.”

The “dogs” here are dangerous, maybe security.

All the following is from S02E01:

Roman says of Kendall:

“He was a king once. Now look at him. Eating shit with feet of clay, a fucking neutered hound-dog.”

Roman again says of Kendall and his betrayal:

“He just ate the big dog dick. Sucked that pooch bone dry!”

Later it is Shiv who calls Kendall an:

“...an old beaten dog.”

Roman is refereed to as a:

“Sick puppy.”

In both instances Roman and Kendall are both called dogs, along with their father, the inference being a dog would have a “dog dick”. Logan, their father, is the “Big Dog” and after his betrayal Kendall is a “old beaten dog” meanwhile Roman is a “puppy” dog.  

In S02E01 there are five times the word “dog” or variations are used, ALL in relation to either Roman, Kendall or their father. They are “dogs”.

In S02E04, Gerri Kellmen says to Roman Roy “You little slime puppy.”

In S02E05, Tom Wambsgans and Shiv Roy excuse themselves during the dinner party, they use the excuse that their dog (which they do not own) is “very ill”.

Tom: “I'm so sorr...Will you excuse us for two seconds? I'm so worried...about our...It's a...” Shiv: Our dog, Mondale. It's a dog thing. So silly. Sorry to...[our dog] Is very ill at the moment. Tom: Arthritis. We think it's arthritis. Nan Pierce: So sorry.  Tom: His hips. Shiv: Excuse us. Sorry. Nan Pierce: They have a dog. A **dog **named Mondale. 

This conversation could be linked back to the conversation between these two back in S01E02 where Shiv said “I'm not gonna give you a blowjob when your dog dies..” Despite the dog being REAL, here it is used in a fictional sense to remove themeselves from the coversation. Therefore, in both cases there is a figurative/imaginary dog which is sick; is this the state of their marriage? Is there marriage this figurative dog and it currently has arthritis; there is a problem with it’s hips. Is their marriage sick? It is also important to note that “Mondale” was the last name of the 42nd Democratic Vice President of America Walter Mondale. 

In this episode there are other allusions to dogs and animals so we will cover them despite them not using the specific word “dog”.

In a conversation with sexual context, Gerri Kellmen says to Roman Roy: 

“You're a sick fuck. You're a sick fucking animal.”

It is also important that on the family first meeting Nan Pierce she says: 

“St. Francis of Assisi...You've brought me animals!”

One of St. Francis of Assisi’s patronage is animals. This brings into the idea that the family on a whole are animals. There are more Christian/Catholic references spread throughout the entire series including the rejected grace at dinner in this episode as well as the fact Roman Roy was sent to an apparent Catholic school (St. Andrews) apparently due to the cage incident WHICH brings a more interesting spin on the mention of the patron saint of animals. St. Andrew (the namesake of the school he attended) is also the patron saint of Scotland and is often represented with a X shaped crucifix (due to his martyrdom) which is the same used on the Scottish flag. Because the Roys are ethnically Scottish this could also be very important. 

In S02E06 in an interview, Shiv Roy says:

“...I would never go after my dad. That's a _sport _others enjoy.”

Here Shiv implys that going after her father would be sport, sport in this context is as “hunting for sport”; implying her father is an animal in which is hunted.

In S02E07 Logan Roy says to Kendall Roy:

“You know, I bring you all this way, and you sit in the car like a labrador. Come in.”

A labrador is a type of dog. Kendall is once again compared to a dog. 

In the same episode Logan Roy says to Rhea Jarrell:

“...paps in this town, fucking animals.’

Logan is comparing the paparazzi to animals, however the real significance comes from what Rhea Jarrell says in responce:

“Oh, sure. If only someone had some influence over them.”

Rhea is saying that Logan has influence over the paparazzi, influence over the animals because they are his animals; he leads them. 

In S02E08 Roman Roy says to Shiv Roy while talking about Reha Jarrel:

“Just say Rhea beats her dog or boyfriend or I don't know.”

And Shiv Roy responds:

“Uh...Dad would love that.”

Their father would enjoy the prospect of his potential girlfriend and CEO beating her dog (or boyfriend, because there is no difference there apparently).

In S02E10 Logan Roy says to Kendall Roy:

All the rest behave like a pack of fucking stray dogs.

This is every mention of those as before mentioned variations on the world "dog" within season one of Succession. What does this all mean? Frankly I do not know but what I DO KNOW is that this show is much more than the dark comedy it seems to be on the surface. There is deep thought put into the writing of this show and I ask that if you've gotten this far in this post then please add your own analysis to it! Send me a DM or an ask and lets talk theories! All theories welcome! I just want to talk about this show non-stop!

[t-lostinworlds]

Lost You (Shawn Mendes)

Feat. Tom Holland

A/N: Here is me trying to get back to writing haha and yeah, Tom Holland is here. First time ever writing him so please don’t kill me if it’s bad lakslaksal. This was written quickly too, supposed to be a blurb but got carried away. Also I don’t think this is the best I've written thus far so I’m sorry in advance if it sucks :/ Anyways, hope you still enjoy!

Requested: 

First of thank you so much sweets 🥺 that means the world. Second, I changed it up a bit, I hope it’s okay ❤️

Warnings: None and Typos

Word Count: 3.2k+

Masterlist in Bio

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[Images not mine]

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"Nervous?"

That all-too-familiar British accent made you look away from the car window, eyes landing on a handsome man who was sitting right beside you. A worried smile was etched on his lips as he tilted his head to the side, hand resting on your bare leg in a comforting manner, the car ride quiet aside from the soft music that the radio was playing and the soft mumbles of the other people accompanying you.

You couldn't stop yourself from admiring him as he was all groomed up, wearing a classic black suit that fitted is body perfectly, a white dress shirt paired with a bow tie, radiating that James Bond feel with his hair gelled back to give him that clean and sleek look.

You gave him a small nod. "A little bit. Thank you so much for coming with me Tom." You flashed him a grateful smile, placing your hand on top of his as you gave it a soft squeeze.

"Hey, of course, it's your first VMA's, I wouldn't miss it for the world. And I know how much you hate red carpets but still, you join me when I ask you to walk with me. The least I can do is return the favor."

You know that there was something more between you two other than being just casual friends, even Tom does too as he's already confessed to you how he really feels, but none of you has bother to do something about it yet, being that you've just broken up with your boyfriend not too long ago.

_______

You're still figuring yourself out and Tom being the kindest, most understand and sweetest person that he is, he respected that and has done nothing but be there when you needed him most.

"Have I already told you how gorgeous you look?" The young man grinned, eyes admiring you in a way that made your stomach do a flip.

"Yes, now quit ogling, your making me melt." You joked with a roll of your eyes, feigning a slight hint of annoyance in your voice that only made him chuckle. Tom was about to says something but didn't get a chance to respond as the car came to a halt, a crowded red carpet in full view once the both of you took a glance at the tinted window.

Tom interlaced his fingers with yours, giving it a comforting squeeze before his free hand took hold of the door handle. "Ready?"

You took one deep breath as you gave him the go signal, the door sliding open seconds later as he slowly stepped out of the car.

Tom helped you out like the gentleman that he is, your grip on his hand tightening as the flashing lights invaded your eyes in a matter of minutes, your name being screamed by dozens of photographers as they try to get a hold of your attention.

You wore your best smile as you threaded down the carpet, following the usherette assigned to guide the two of you and then stopping to pose as how these things always go.

Tom lets go of your hand to wrap an arm around your waist, your eyes meeting his as he gave it a reassuring squeeze to let you know that he's got you. The amount of time the two of you had walked the red carpet this past few months made him understand why you don't liked carpet. You do get a bit flustered with this much attention, like your being held under a magnifying glass and that one wrong move could be seen even if it's miniscule.

You mirrored his smile as your turned around to fully face him, hand coming up to fix his bow tie as both of his took home on your hips.

"Why did you wear a bow tie? You know very well that you can't keep this straight not matter how hard you try." You teased, hand sliding down his chest once the tie was straight enough for your liking.

The flashing lights and the screaming were never ending but you've learned to tune it out for the amount of times you've done this already. Tom chuckled as he guided you further down the carpet again, stopping to take another pose before he spoke.

"I mean you do like it more when I wear this than a regular tie. You think I look ravishing, you just hate to admit it." Tom retorted with a smirk. You rolled your eyes at that. "Oh please, don't be so full of yourself Holland."

It was going great so far, all laughs and smiles between you and Tom but of course, that only lasted for a moment as you heard the paparazzi scream the names of the people you weren't exactly keen to see.

What a way of the universe to joke that they had to arrive just after you did. You were praying, begging that you could at least walk the carpet without seeing that specific familiar face, but we don't always get what we want in this world do we.

Tom felt you tense up a little bit his head turning to see what was wrong, but when he finally heard who has just arrived, he was quick to switch from playful to overprotective mode, his grip on your waist tightening as he pulled you closer to his side.

"You alright?" Tom leaned closer to whisper in your ear. You nodded with a hum, your faces just an inch away as he pulled back, the concern on his features only lasting a split second as it was quick to change, his smile now wide and bright as he looked at you adoringly.

"He's watching." He spoke between his grin once he took in your confused expression and you were impressed at how fast he can change his mood all of the sudden, but then again, he is an amazing actor after all.

You flashed him a thankful smile, glad that he understood why you're suddenly uncomfortable without having to explain it. So grateful that he was here just as how he's been from the beginning.

With a deep intake of breath, you willed yourself to ignore them, to not even have a peek as you focused on the tasked at hand, focusing more at the gentleman beside you.

Just grin and bear it Y/N, carpet is almost done.

Shawn however, was having a really hard time ignoring you.

Though he was walking with someone else, he can't stop himself from stealing quick glances in your direction whenever he can, making sure that he was doing it as discreetly as he could. The internet would go crazy if he gets caught longingly looking at someone who they only knew was his friend. You never did go public, you didn't get the chance to as everything when south in a blink of an eye. But seeing you right now in the flesh after many months, Shawn feels like his heart was about to jump out of his chest.

He was in awe to say the least.

You wore a fitted sheer dress covered in silver stones and glitters, the garment hugging your body in the right spots giving you a beautiful figure that was making Shawn's head spin. More so with that plunging neckline that showed just enough for it look classy, along with a low back that made the dress look even sexier. As if that wasn't enough, the dress had a slit that showed off those legs in the most elegant way possible.

Your hair was up in a messy bun with a simple yet glamorous makeup, and that beautiful smile of yours that he'd always fall for. Shawn was at a loss for words at how breathtaking you look, you always do that to him no matter the occasion, and you never fail to do so, even to this day.

But his daydreaming was cut short when he finally noticed that you weren't alone too, a certain pang in his chest when you seem to look so happy in the arms of another.

The break up was entirely his fault.

He made a choice thinking that it was for the best, but now he was starting to think otherwise and he was slowly and painfully swallowing the consequences thus far.

Shawn got pulled straight out of his thoughts once your eyes met his the moment you looked over your shoulder. He blinked a couple of time to check if he wasn't hallucinating, seeing a bright smile painted on your lips as you gave him a curt nod, no ill-will written on your face before you broke his gaze, turning to face the person who stood too close by your side for Shawn's liking.

The way his arm was laced on your waist was not sitting well with Shawn at all, especially when this Tom guy was looking at you in a way that he used to. But what truly hurts was that familiar look of adoration on your beautiful face, the one you always gave Shawn whenever you're proud of him. That certain look that was used to be for him and him only, keyword: used to.

This made him think that maybe he was too late, and that you've finally moved on. That he's truly lost you fully this time.

He shook his head with a clear of his throat, standing straighter as he shoved all his thoughts in the back of his head, wrapping his arm around the girl beside him as he smiled at the cameras.

This was going to be a long night.

***

It was commercial break and you were thankful, your bladder just couldn't seem to hold it for much longer. You turned to Tom, nudging his arm as he was busy talking with someone's brother that you didn't quite catch the name of.

"I'm just gonna go the bathroom real quick." You whispered once his attention was on you, slowly getting out of your seat only for Tom to do the same. "I can take you–"

"No silly, it's fine. I'll be back as fast as I can I promise." You giggled, gently pushing him back down as you waved at the person he was taking to.

"Okay then, be careful you clumsy woman." Tom gave you a playful wink with a soft chuckle, you shaking your head in response, mumbling a soft 'shut up' before you walking off.

You reached an empty hallway that one of the staff members pointed you towards, the door of the bathroom coming to view moments later but that's when you heard rushed footsteps behind you, your mind immediately thinking that it was Tom following you as he was the only one who knows where you've gone.

"I thought I told you I can handle myself and pee alone Tom?" You giggled, turning around only to stop dead in your tracks as you were met by a familiar man, too familiar for your taste, one that sported those unruly curls on top of his head.

"Shawn." You breathed out, face contorted in sheer surprise as you were not expecting him at all.

"Y/N, hey." He flashed you a shy smile, both hands in his pockets as he slowly walked closer to you, stopping himself once you took a step back, sadness flashing across his features and you tried your hardest not to scoff out loud.

"What are you doing here?" You asked skeptically, crossing your arms over your chest, but not in an intimidating way, no, it was more as a defensive stance, shielding yourself in a sense.

The break up wasn't a mutual decision, nor did it end on a good note. It was painful, very painful.

It left you in such a dark place and you worked so hard to get yourself out of there. You've made your progress but you aren't exactly fully out yet, you are still in the process of healing as wounds are still a bit fresh, and there is no way in hell you're letting him pull you right back in.

"Just wanted to see you... I miss you."

You shut your eyes tight with a sigh as you shook your head at him. "Don't. Just don't."

Shawn didn't seem to get the hint as he only took a few more steps closer to you, lips parted slightly as he took you in completely. "You look so beautiful." He gushed, fingers absentmindedly pushing a strand of hair behind your ear once he was in close proximity, so close that you just had to look up at him.

You stood there frozen in your spot, heart beating rapidly against your chest as you found yourself stuck under his gaze. Those familiar brown eyes will always have a hold against you, especially when he's looking at you so yearningly, a certain glow crossing his features as is if he was too glad to be close to you again.

The more you stared into his eyes, the more you felt your walls slowly slip, so you pulled your head away from his grasp, clearing your throat as you took two steps back, a deep frown quick to appear on Shawn's lips but you paid it no mind.

"I'm sorry but I need to go." You hastily walked pass him but being the stubborn boy that he is, he took hold of your arm to pull you right back.

"No, wait." Shawn spun you around to face him again, both hands now gripping your elbows to keep you in place, his grasp firm but not too much for it to hurt. His action only made your annoyance grow, a slight anger now slowly boiling to the surface as you gave him a pointed look. "Let go of me Shawn."

The slight waver in your voice made Shawn drop his hands, the frown on his face never leaving as his brain slowly processed how you actually didn't want him near at all. It hurts to say the least but Shawn can't blame you.

He can only imagine what you've been true. The pain he's caused seemingly unforgivable that he, himself would want nothing to do with him either.

"Can you at least give us the chance to talk?" Shawn sounded so desperate but he didn't care. He was holding onto his last beacon of hope, that maybe deep inside, you still have feelings for him, that you still love him just as how he still loves you.

You let out an exasperated sigh. "There's nothing left to talk about Shawn. We broke up months ago. We are done. I've been moving on and you have no right to try and pull me back in now when I've been doing so much better than when you left me. And just to clarify, you have a girlfriend."

Shawn ran a frustrated hand through his curls. "Please honey, I've been regretting things a lot and I can't apologize enough for what I've done. I was stupid and I've been wanting to kick my ass every single day from the moment I hurt you. And seeing you today with Tom, how you look so happy with him, it fucking hurts so bad. I miss you so much, I want you back angel, I need you back Y/N."

A sarcastic laugh left your mouth before you could even stop it, eyes rolling as you shook your head at him in pure disbelief. "Wow. You're being unfair Shawn. Now that I'm happy and have been better, you suddenly want me back? When you see me with someone else you suddenly miss me? You had months to reach out to me Shawn. Fucking months, but not once did you ever think about calling me. I'm not going to be some girl who you only show interest to when it benefits you."

Shawn shook his head, bottom lip trembling as he took your hand in his, and you let him but never did you show him that it affected you in any way. "No that's not the reason. I still love you Y/N, I really do. Please just give me another chance."

You sighed, gaze softening as you watch him slowly break in front of you, but you weren't giving in, you've grown stronger since that day and you've learned to stand your ground, to do what's best yourself. "You've been living your best life during those months, touring the world, frolicking the streets while I was suffering in the pain that you've caused. I don't want to go through it again because it fucking hurts Shawn. It was a hard battle but I've overcome it. Maybe not fully yet but I am getting there, and I'm not letting you jeopardize that. You were a beautiful mistake, but I can't anymore. I'm done. Now will you please, let me go."

"No, angel please just–"

"Y/N! Is everything alright?" A huge relief washed over your body as that familiar voice bounced off the cream colored walls. Shawn's whole body going rigid as he closed his eyes, jaw clenching at the interruption.

"I'm sorry Shawn, but I think it's best that we keep our distance. You need to sort yourself out as do I." You whispered, slowly pulling your hands out of his grip and making your way towards Tom.

"Hey Tom, you know Shawn and yeah, everything's fine." The curly boy turned at his name, a tight lip smile on his face as he gave you both a curt nod.

"Hey man, nice to finally meet you." Tom moved forward as he reached a hand out, a friendly smile on his lips but you didn't miss his tight grip once Shawn took it, the tension between the two rising as Tom shook Shawn's hand hard and firm.

You saw Shawn's jaw visible clench as he slowly nodded his head, standing tall and strong with his nostrils slightly the flaring once Tom lets go of his hand. "Likewise. Big fan of the films."

You couldn't stop yourself from rolling your eyes as Shawn's voice got deeper than normal, the stare between the two looking like some high school confrontation.

Tom only chuckled with a nod. "Thanks mate. Appreciate it." He didn't wait for Shawn to respond as he turned his attention to you, hand wrapping around your waist in a sweet yet protective manner. "Tricia's been looking for you. It's almost your turn to perform love."

You flashed him a bright smile, a silent communication happening between you two and Shawn felt his heart sink to his stomach, eyes falling to the floor as he couldn't bear to watch you two any longer.

"Let's get going then. I still need to change. I'll see you around Shawn." You gave him one last smile before turning your back on him, walking down the hall to where you came from, wondering what both of your futures hold.

Shawn only watched as you disappeared out of sight, heart breaking into pieces as he slowly felt his knees give out, a tear slipping out of his eyes at that the thought that he's pushed you away, so far and into the arms of someone else.

He really has lost you for good this time, another consequence of his mistake that he has no choice but to endure and face.

-:-:-:-:-

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[bobbystompy]

68 Quotes I Enjoyed From 2019

Below are my favorite quotes from 2019. Though most occurred throughout the year, some took place before but were encountered during.

1) “I don’t bitch about Millenials.

John Entwistle once complained that he didn’t understand rap. Pete Townsend said, ‘It’s not our job to understand it. It’s our job to get the fuck out of the way.’

New generations come of age. The older generation’s job is to shut up and adapt.” - @danagould

2) “I can’t do drugs with you until we kiss.”

3) “If you pay me $50 I'll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella regardless of the weather, so that people think you died with a dark and interesting secret.” - @DanaSchwartzzz

4) “A human being is a dangerous thing to let loose in a room with itself, when it cannot think.” - Roger Ebert

5) “There are no bad bourbons, only better bourbons.” - Dave Hernandez

6) “You can’t put a dollar in a kimono.”

7) “This is how it was.” - rampant takeaway from watching ‘Superbad’ several years after its release

8) “What if I had been born fifty years before you in a house on the street where you lived / Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike / Would I know? / And in a wide sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize” - Ben Folds, ‘The Luckiest’

9) “Learn the rules so you can break them.”

10) “Nobody makes chili for two.” - Stacy Massey

11) “‘Best city in the world,’ I mutter to myself, as i adjust my ‘driving blanket’.” - Chicago resident Deanna Belos, during the 2019 Polar Vortex

12) “Dude, no one’s ever got arrested for listening to Counting Crows.” - Ricky O’Donnell, justifying late night music volume at his party

13) Bill Belichick: We’re going to have fun tonight. Rob Gronkowski: Yes we are. We deserve it. Belichick: You’re damn right. Gronk: I haven’t stepped out in like eight months. I gotta step out tonight. Belichick: I’m with you, man. I’m even going to step out. Gronk: Oh, I like it!

A Super Bowl winning exchange.

14) Center David Andrews thanked Bill Belichick for giving him "a shot".

Belichick disagreed with it.

Andrews: Thank you for giving me a shot. Belichick: A shot? I didn't give you shit. You earned it! I don't give anything.

Another Super Bowl winning exchange.

15) “We elected one of the very worst living human beings to be President, and it's exhausting. Each and every day, it's an exhausting slog, just to exist in a world where that's true.” - Michael Schur

16) “Some of y’all always picked Odd Job when you played Goldeneye and it shows” - @thedad

17) “Any app is a dating app if you try hard enough.” - Z.W. Martin (though he says it’s lifted)

18) "Once you're as woke as I am, you learn to feel bad all the time.”

19) “Everything’s a balance beam when you’re 90.” - John Dingell

20) [I wake up in a world where The Beatles never existed]

Me: Check out this song I just wrote

[I begin playing “Ob La Di Ob La Da” without having first built up years of goodwill]

Crowd of people: Wow, this sucks ass

-- @seanoneal

21) “People change people.” - Corey Matthews, Girl Meets World

22) “The easiest thing to do on earth is not write.” - William Goldman

23) “Dan could be like a difficult uncle. I didn’t love his fire-breathing conservative politics. I didn’t love the transformation that came over his novels. In Semi-Tough, he created two benighted Texas jocks and laid their prejudices bare. He was declaring himself a member of the Mark Twain coaching tree. In later books, Dan seemed to be trying to prove he could still tell a racist joke. He insisted that his memoir—the last truly immaculate piece of writing he delivered—include a tirade against political correctness. When his editor said people might be offended, Dan said, ‘Fuck people.’

There are certain writers whose style you pilfer. Certain writers whose moral fiber you try to inherit. For me, Dan represented a third category: a writer whose aura you replicate—or, failing that, try to stand in for a while.” - Bryan Curtis, on Dan Jenkins

24) “Never marry anything. Never choose. Even in love, it's better to be chosen.” - La Dolce Vita

25) “An uncluttered, uncomplicated happy ending might sound wonderful, but it’s hardly ever satisfying. Because the value of great stories lies in the tension between desire and need, between the yearning for the ideal, and the unshakable conviction that ideals don’t really exist, at least not the way we want them to. A great story should hurt a little when it leaves us. There should be some hope, but that hope should remain somewhere just an inch beyond our fingers, because that’s the truth. Even if you had all the perfect moments in the world, you’d still be reaching.” - Zach Handlen, on the Futurama series finale

26) “You can’t see him because he has sunglasses on.” - Alissa Levy

27) “The cinema is the greatest art form ever conceived for generating emotions in its audience. That's what it does best. (If you argue instead for dance or music, drama or painting, I will reply that the cinema incorporates all of these arts).” - Roger Ebert

28) “‘Are you gonna let politics ruin a friendship?’ 

Yes tf I am

People talk about politics as if it’s this isolated, abstract concept that only matters at election time. Somebody’s politics is their world view. It’s whether they think certain human beings deserve rights. It’s how they think the world should be. And if somebody thinks that the world should be colder, meaner, less accepting and downright hostile to people that are different to them, then sure as fuck is the friendship over.”

29) “Can the Supreme Court get me mushrooms?” - J-Papp

30) “Any song under two minutes already has a head start on its way into my heart. Just scream at me and then leave me.” - Drew Magary

31) “Long neck cold beers never broke my heart.” - Clemson Tom

32) “I’d just like to point out that the last spoken words of Game of Thrones were: 

‘I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel.’”

- @Authoroux

33) “Just once before I die, I want to toss my keys to someone and tell them ‘Bring the car around’.” - Mike Skully

34) “For all the weight they're given, last words are usually as significant as first words.” - Grand Maester Pycelle, Game of Thrones

35) “The best remedy for unrequited love is a trip around the world.” - Cheers

36) [on switching from a hotel to a motel]

Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an H turns into an M. Jay: Hey when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

-- Modern Family

37) “You and Lindsey don’t want to be ‘estranged’. Estranged is the relationship we want to have with our mothers.” - MegFil

38) “Cigarettes are undefeated.”

39) “My toes are like my fingers on my feet. I can pick stuff up with them.” - Tracy Cunningham

40) “Republicans govern without shame, Democrats shame without governing.” - Bill Maher

41) Sam: I don’t understand the vagaries of the Internet Josiah: Post often, without thought, and you’ll either get cancelled or cancel someone else.

-- Blink-155

42) “Hang a lantern on your problems.”

43) “What a weird web we weave.” - The Situation, The Jersey Shore: Family Vacation

44) “Let the ocean worry about being blue.” - Alabama Shakes, ‘Hang Loose’

45) “Honesty without tact is cruelty.” - Shelley Rokos

46) “My whole life is the wrong porn link.”

47) “One parent can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids cannot take care of one parent.” - Joe Gestetner, via “an old Yiddish saying”

48) “There are no heroes in the room.” - Classics of Love, ‘Gun Show’

49) “If I am a little dismissive, it's only because of my harrowing backstory.” - Mitchell, Modern Family (on why he doesn't like sports)

50) “Every time I’m wearing black, I meet a dog.” - Tracy Cunningham

51) “Shower sex? Why would I fuck in my crying chamber” - @chridollarsign

52) “My theory about quarterbacks, having written about some of them, is you either have to believe in god or think you are a god.” - Mina Kimes

53) “The contradictions of capitalism always manifest in our lyrics if you look deeply.” - Blake Schwarzenbach of Jawbreaker, Riot Fest 2019

54) “Got a ‘hang loose’ from the weakside bartender.”

55) “It’s Jennifer’s birthday always.” - Eric Hutchinson 

56) “I can’t think of a less relevant artist in 2019 than Kanye West. A Jesus freak in a MAGA hat. Yeah, congrats dude -- you’re every grandma who watches ‘Young Sheldon’ and mails checks to Joel Osteen now.” - Dan Ozzi

57) “The past and future are in the mind. I’m in the now.” - Tom Brady, via someone else

58) “Sometimes you walk around boring places and you feel like the most exciting thing in it.” - Drew Magary

59) “Sitting is the new smoking.” - Modern Family

60) “I'll straight up fight folks at a book club and discuss books at a fight club I really don't give a shit anymore.” - George Wallace

61) “Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.” - Rose Garvey via wine country

62) “It’s all ‘ok boomer’ until you need someone who can drive stick shift.” - @OrdinaryAlso

63) “He likes the result of the math.” - Dad, talking about my worst subject frustrating during the process but satisfying in the end

64) Stepmom: Do you want a Bears urn or Alabama urn? Dad: Ask me after they play Auburn.

65) “A cold body carries a warm heart.” - Stefanos Tsitsipas’ Instagram, after his Iceland sabbatical

66) [preparing a dish called the Sandwich of Justice with his friend’s recipe]

"The fun thing about it is when you give it to someone, you can say 'Justice is served.’ That's, uh, Ryan's line. I built my whole life on the backs of my friends." - You Suck At Cooking

67) “Usually three people can keep a secret only when two of them are dead.” - The Irishman

68) “An artist can't control who consumes their content any more than a chemist can control how their chemicals are used once they're created.” - Brian Crooks

[suaine]

I honestly don't know if he's ever spoken about the motivation of writing these characters, all I can offer is having read a whole lot of his stories over the years, including the extremely autobiographical On Writing.

I've recently re-read It with a different lens, as a child it was the horror of the monster and the fantastical that drew me, but this time I was looking for the horror of childhood trauma and other human things.

What immediately struck me about Adrian as I read it was that King made Adrian a writer. There's an amount of identification going on here - King was putting himself in Adrian's place and I think he was examining how the hate worked that ultimately got him killed. That's why he spends so much time taking apart characters in the first chapter who have no other bearing on the book.

And I think he keeps bringing up queerness in the book because he's struggling with understanding it. We desperately want to see a lesson here or a narrative arc, but I'm not sure that's how it works - he was examining ways in which children were traumatized and how that damaged them growing into adulthood. And defeating the monster didn't give any easy answers. I actually broke down crying by the end of the book because it's really, really tragic, for all of them. Eddie's death is tragic, but so is Richie's forgetting, so is all their forgetting.

The book didn't set out to fix what killed Adrian, it wanted to understand why. I'm not sure it did. It took King a very long time to actually write an out main character (Tom in Cell, he does survive to the end of the book and has a really homoerotic thing with the protagonist that doesn't get consummated and by the turtle, it should have). I think Eddie's queerness did not contribute to his death though - I think the fact that King didn't realize there was a love story is what did.

King is a very intuitive writer, he sets up characters and just... watches them go. That's a very subconscious way of writing and usually means there aren't any planned arcs. (The only novel he says he ever outlined properly is The Dead Zone, which I absolutely love, but it does have a different vibe to it). It also means King wasn't aware that Eddie is queer. It doesn't mean he's not, just that King didn't write him as such intentionally.

There's a reason the movie jokes about Bill writing shitty endings - King himself has said that he doesn't always like how his books end. Or knows how to end them. (Notably he praised the ending of the The Mist movie, which changed his work from an open but vaguely hopeful ending to a tragic clusterfuck - you have to remember that horror writers don't have the same definition of good endings that we do).

Here's the thing about Eddie Kaspbrak though: he's such a fucking hero in the book, god, he's so scared but he tries so hard. He's the one who saves Richie and Bill while they battle It in another dimension. He's so good. And I imagine if anyone in King's circle of early readers had said, hey dude, that guy is so in love with Richie, I think we would have had a very different ending. I feel like Bill might have been the one who wouldn't have made it out.

It's really difficult to interpret King's work in terms of authorial intent because frankly, a lot of the time he's not engaging anything but the ID for writing. It's made him very successful but also what we would call problematic. He doesn't generally think about how any of these things fit into a greater cultural narrative.

I think if he had understood that there was a way for Richie and Eddie to be happy together, we would have had a fighting chance, but he didn't. So he found a way for Eddie to break out of his abusive cycle by dying a hero.

Here's the kicker: because the book ends with all of them magically forgetting again, no one comes out of this particularly happy. Their traumas remain. Nothing really changes and you can't go home again.

It's a bleak ending, it's tragic, and it's magically induced. It's very late 80s pessimism.

But I don't think it's a coincidence that King picked some of the It mythology back up when he wrote Dark Tower. Dark Tower as the unifying element of a lot of his other works basically gives him (and us) permission to reexamine any of his stories and put them in a greater context.

It gives us a canonical basis to imagine other versions of these worlds, and maybe some of them will end happier. We're already a little closer, with Richie being explicitly queer and everyone remembering.

(And that's why I'm currently writing a bunch of fic, because it feels like the narrative just needs another iteration or two to get where it needs to be. )

me, crying in the shower: stephen king began writing IT after learning about a homophobic attack on a gay man. he ended up creating adrian mellon to characterize this real life gay man in the book. king then spent time making parallels between adrian mellon and eddie kaspbrak (and by extension between don hagarty and richie tozier) to emphasize their homosexuality. he then killed adrian mellon in the beginning chapters of IT to show that gruesome homophobia was still prevalent in society. and though this is a horror book, and king wanted to parallel adrian and eddie, there was literally no fucking reason to kill eddie! adrian and eddie dying and don and richie leaving derry in grief only affirms the idea that gay men live in tragedy and cannot lead happy, fulfilling lives. so what was the point, WHAT WAS THE POINT of writing a book when the endpoint had no resolution? when there was no lesson learned? WHAT WAS IT?