#that's screaming 'criminalize golf'

[confoundedpangolin]

we love my father because my father just went on a very well-supported thirty minute rant about why golf sucks

[ckret2]

I've been really looking forward to posting this chapter. It's got it all: angst, comedy, meaty plot progression, banter, Bill and Ford screaming at each other, Stan getting an MVP moment, Soos being Soos, and a grappling hook. And this:

It's admittedly harder to take Bill's stuck-in-a-human-body grief seriously when he's wearing a pony toga and goofy bug wing face paint.

Anyway here's chapter 4, and here's the masterpost. 8/5/2024 edited for TBOB compatibility!

####

The car had been on the road for several tense minutes before Bill announced his return to consciousness by startling upright, attempting to shout through his gag, looking around wildly, and then kicking Stan's butt through the back of the front bench.

"Hey. Hey! Easy!" Stan turned around to swat at Bill. Bill responded by headbutting his hand.

Trying to ignore Bill and keep his eyes on the road, Ford said, "Soos?"

"You got it." Soos leaned to the right, gently pinning Bill against the door.

Bill grunted, squirmed mightily against his fate, kicked the front bench a couple more times for good measure, and then started rubbing his face against the car door handle.

"Give it a rest," Stan said. "There's no way you're jumping out of a moving car. You're completely tied up and you've got a seatbelt on."

"Safety first," Soos said.

"Plus, the handle on that door sticks."

Bill gave them both a murderous glare, shot another at Ford just because, and resumed rubbing his face on the door handle.

It took a couple minutes for him to use the handle to peel the duct tape off his mouth. He spat half a wet sock at the back of Stan's head. "Where are we—Hey! Hey! Look at me! Where are we going?!"

Gaze never wavering from the road, Ford said, "You don't need to know."

"All that matters is you're not coming back," Stan said. "You're gonna stay with some old friends of mine until we figure out how to deal with you. Real professionals. Not even you could find a way out of this."

"There's nobody to manipulate when nobody is listening to you," Ford said.

Soos, ever helpful, threw in, "Stan hasn't really told us much about these dudes? But I've been getting some 'prisoner pit in a serial killer's basement' vibes off of how he's talking about it."

The rage quickly drained from Bill's face, leaving behind a stricken look. "It's not that golf cart chop shop, is it?"

"What?! How did you kn—" Stan whipped around to gape at Bill, then stared at Ford. "How did he—?!"

"He has eyes everywhere," Ford said resignedly. "I'm sure once he got his claws into me, he started looking into my family's lives."

Soos considered this, nudged Bill, and said, "Hey. What kinda creepy stuff do you know about me?"

Bill didn't answer. He was staring blankly at the back of the front bench. Voice oddly flat, he said, "So. You leave me with a bunch of professional criminals. What's your plan then, smart guy."

"I don't know yet," Ford said. "And that's exactly why we're leaving you with people who can keep you contained—andkeep your puppet alive, whether you like it or not. All they need to do is buy us time until we find a way to extract you from your puppet and destroy you for good."

"And what if you can't 'extract' me."

The car was silent. Finally, Ford said, "Then whatever poor woman you've taken over has already lost her life. Destroying you and her body would be a mercy killing." Stan nodded sharply.

Bill slumped back in his seat. He looked out the window at the dark trees passing by.

The car's headlights swept over a sign reading "Now leaving Gravity Falls."

Bill choked on his breath. His gaze whipped forward, staring through the windshield, eyes wide. "Whoa-whoa-whoa wait wait stop STOP STOP! WATCH OUT!"

Ford slammed the breaks.

"What'd we hit?" Stan leaned over the dash, squinting into the dark. "After you insisted you're a better driver than me—"

"I didn't hit anything—there's nothing in the road—"

Hysterically, Bill demanded, "Are you trying to kill me?!"

Which was such a fantastically stupid question that the whole car turned to stare at him. He was wheezing on the verge of hyperventilation, pressed as far back into the car seat as he could get, feet raised and braced against the back of the front bench, face contorted in exaggerated fear.

Trying to sound irritated to avoid sounding rattled, Ford said, "What the devil is it?"

"Are you crazy?" Bill snapped. "You almost drove straight through the bubble!"

Soos and the Pines all looked forward. There was nothing but the dark road beyond their car. Ford gave Bill a wary look. "The what?"

"The—the bubble! The weirdness barrier around this stupid town's Attractor Zone! You can't see it, can you." Bill jutted his chin forward, gesturing out the windshield. "Well whether you see it or not, it's right there!"

Stan shrugged. "So?"

"SO?!" Bill's voice cracked. "So whaddaya think happens to me if I hit a weirdness barrier in a moving car?!"

Stan considered that a moment. "I dunno... That sounds more like your problem than our problem."

"Hey, it's your upholstery, buddy! But if YOU wanna see what happens when you hit a deer and it teleports inside the car—"

Stan snuck a foot over to the driver's side footwell and pressed the gas, making the engine rev. Bill flinched and yipped like a threatened chihuahua. Stan laughed.

Ford was staring hard at Bill. "The weirdness barrier only exists on the physical plane—it shouldn't affect you in the mindscape. And if you're possessing a perfectly normal human body, it wouldn't be impacted, either. It would only affect you if... you have physical form?" He scrutinized Bill's face—not his alien pupils, but everything else, taking in his facial features, looking for something familiar. The shape of his eyes, the brilliant gold of his hair that almost seemed to glow in the dark car, the way his narrow shoulders and wide hips gave him a distinctly triangular silhouette. "You're... not possessing someone, are you?"

Bill's breath hitched.

Stan looked between the two of them. "You mean that's just him? He's a human now?" He gestured dismissively at Bill. "Why shouldn't we hit the barrier, then. Take care of him now. I oughta get the ol' Diablo reupholstered, anyway."

"Oh! Oh! So that's how you want to play!" Bill let out a shrill laugh. "Fine, be like that! Do it—if you're sooo sure it won't just set me free! Do you like the sound of that? Wanna find out whether blowing up this flesh prison will kill me or unleash me?" He leaned into Stan's face, baring his teeth, smiling viciously. "Go on, tough guy—think you can get me with another lucky sucker punch?"

Stan scowled—but instead of rising to the bait, he gave Bill a hard, considering look. "What's your game?"

"Ha! I'm playing games an idiot like you couldn't even imagine—"

On Stan's behalf, Ford tapped the gas, nudging the car forward a few inches.

Bill shrieked. "What's wrong with you, you maniac?!" Over Stan's guffaws and Ford's chuckle, Bill snapped, "I've had it!" The rear door swung open. Bill tumbled out onto the road.

"Hey!" Soos scrambled after him, but by the time he was out of his seatbelt, Bill was on his feet and running.

He was running very badly. He'd somehow managed to free his wrists and ankles—his ankles were raw and bloody and his handcuffs, still locked, lay innocently in the back seat—but his elbows were still chained to his sides and his knees were tied together. Stan jumped out of the car, saw Bill trip and sprawl on the asphalt less than twenty feet away, and laughed so hard he needed to lean on the car for balance.

Ford caught up just after Soos tackled Bill. "Well! There. Here you are." Ford's fists were trembling. "You couldn't have thought you'd escape, Bill. What was the point of that—that ridiculous demonstration!"

Bill's cheek was pressed to the ground so hard that he had to squeeze one eye shut; but it didn't stop him from giving Ford a smarmy smirk. "To be annoying," he said. "For you. Personally and individually."

"Fffp— For me?! Why? To what end, Bill?!" Ford knew Bill just wanted to see him angry. And it worked. "Of all the places in the world you could have gone, why are you back here! What could you possibly get out of harassing us again! After all you've done to us already!"

"What." The change on Bill's face was instantaneous. "After... what I... have done to you? WHAT I'VE DONE TO YOU?!"

His body shook with the violence of his screams, threatening to throw Soos off. "I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO ANY OF YOU! Look at you all, you hale and hearty little animals, with all your dwindling decades left to you—what about ME?!"

He jammed a fist in Soos's gut to knock him off and lunged for Ford, clawing at his ankle and coat hem like a zombie reaching from the grave. Ford stumbled back, tripped over Bill's hand, and fell hard on the asphalt. Bill wrenched an arm free from the chains around his chest with a sick bony CRACK and crawled on top of Ford.  "I was perfect! I was a god-king! I'm the most sublime thing your universe has ever seen! What am I now?!" Bill's bound knees dug into Ford's abdomen, his clawed fingers reached for his face. "MEAT! I'm MEAT, Stanford! I'm a greasy trash bag of raw leather filled with meat and bile! My body is rotting off its bones as we SPEAK, in a few years I'll be dust! AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT I 'TOOK' FROM YOU?!"

His fingers closed around Ford's throat. "What did you lose! TELL ME what you lost! I gave you EVERYTHING you ever wanted—knowledge, magic, validation, INFINITE worlds to explore! I offered you more! I offered you fame and fortune! Immortality! Divinity! So WHAT! DID! YOU! LOSE!" He punctuated each word with a furious shake. He was frothing with rage, choking on his rage, so furious he was nearly sobbing. "And do you REALLY THINK it comes CLOSE to what I'VE been through?! To the eternity you STOLE FROM ME?! You KILLED me today, Stanford! I DIED TODAY—"

A grappling hook whistled between their faces, nearly hitting Bill's nose, smashing into the bark of a tree. Bill froze, eyes wide, the taut wire inches in front of his mouth, staring down at Ford. And then he let go. He didn't resist when Stan dragged him off, or when Stan and Soos wrapped their arms around him in case he lunged for Ford again. His knees briefly buckled before he got his feet under him again.

Ford stared up at Bill, rubbing his throat.

He'd seen Bill angry enough to kill—yet he'd never seen Bill angry like that before. Bill's anger was always the petty tantrum of an entitled child who had been denied something he thought he deserved. This was different.

This wasn't just anger; it was grief. Bill was grieving himself.

"This... really is you, isn't it?"

Bill's jaw tightened.

"Great Uncle Ford!" Dipper dropped to a knee beside Ford, grabbing his shoulder. "Are you okay?!"

"I'm fine, Dip—Dipper?" Ford stared at him, and turned to look at Mabel and the two bikes further up the road. "What are you two doing out here?"

"Following to make sure Bill doesn't try anything?" Dipper said. "Like he just did?"

Stan said, "Whoa, kids, it's way too dangerous f—aw, forget it. Just how the heck did you find us?" (He'd handed Bill over to Soos, learning nothing from the lessons of the last few minutes; but Bill didn't make another move to escape. He leaned against Soos for physical support, shoulders slumped, his whole face sagging with exhaustion.)

Dipper said, "We figured you wouldn't let us come, so Mabel bugged the car after dinner."

"She what?"

"I poked a hole in a bag of glitter and taped it under your bumper!" Mabel pointed at the sparkly red trail leading along the road to the car. She was trying to pull her grappling hook out of the tree. "Hey, Grunkle Ford! We saved your life twice in one day! I think you owe us a pizza or something."

Dipper nodded seriously. "Definitely."

Ford rubbed his neck. "I don't think he was even trying to kill me. He was just..." Ford trailed off, staring after Bill. Out of that mad monologue of historical revisionism, the part that echoed in Ford's head was the last words. I died today. It still felt that fresh to Bill? Where had he been the past year—how did time move there?

Mabel frowned. "Aw, c'mon, Grunkle Ford. Lemme have this."

He dragged his gaze from Bill and laughed, ruffling her hair. "All right, all right. I owe you two a pizza."

"Yes!"

"No wonder you slipped these off," Soos muttered, holding the handcuffs in one hand and one of Bill's hands in the other. "You have delicate little baby hands. I bet it's really easy for you to get things out of jars."

"Sure." Bill sighed listlessly. "But it makes playing the piano a pain."

Soos more tightly handcuffed Bill's delicate little baby hands in his lap, considered how best to keep him from running off again, and finally wrapped an arm around Bill's shoulders. "There. Buddy system!"

Bill endured this indignity with the vacant-eyed stoicism of a shell shocked soldier.

"So, what's going on?" Dipper asked, looking at the stopped car.

"We're at the edge of the weirdness barrier around Gravity Falls," Ford said. "Bill can't cross it. Obviously, slamming him into it would be like driving into a wall. It would be fatal."

"To just Bill? Or the tourist, too?"

"There is no tourist. That's—him."

"Yeah," Stan said. "So he claims, anyway. I'm not sure I believe that."

Mabel gasped and grabbed Dipper's arm. "I knew it! Grunkle Ford, Grunkle Stan—I think he's telling the truth! When Bill possessed Dipper, he was all cold and gross like a dead body. But this time he's normal! I bet his book wanted blood so he could make a body out of it!"

"Like a homunculus?" The Book of Bill was made of human brain tissue—and Ford had gotten the disconcerting impression that he could feel vertebrae through the book's spine. "I wouldn't put it past him."

Stan screwed up his face, tilting his head. "All right, magic books and humonkeys are beyond me, but—something's still fishy. He's holding something back, I'm sure of it. Sixer, you've had more practice figuring him out than anyone else, what do you think?"

Ford sighed. "Unfortunately, he's also had more experience manipulating me than anyone else. But, all the same, I wouldn't put the possibility that this is really his body past him. I... I've never seen him so..." He meant to say furious. Instead, he said, "hurt." 

Ford wondered if there really was something to Bill's anger that he had never seen before—something awoken by dying?—or if it was just easier for Ford to see the emotions now that they were on a human face. If there were other nuances he'd missed over the years.

Glancing toward the car, Ford didn't see any anger on Bill's face now. It was completely blank—not neutral but empty, like he was too exhausted to feel. "Bill's a good liar, but I've never known him to be a good actor. I think that... outburstwas sincere."

Mabel said, "I've seen him impersonating Soos, Dipper, and Blanchin Blandin, and—he's convincing when he's doing normal stuff, but I've never seen him try to fake having emotions."

Dipper said, "Yeah, he's not really big on emoting. Pretty much the only expression he knows how to make on purpose is the world's creepiest smile."

"Okay," Stan said, "so he's probably telling the truth about being stuck in a human body and being mad about it. But what about that thing he said about setting him loose again if we kill his body."

(Dipper and Mabel exchanged a look. Dipper mouthed Trojan horse, and Mabel nodded.)

"Because here's the thing," Stan said. "Say that's a lie, and killing him will just kill him. If he's half the liar you think he is, he woulda been trying to convince us from the start that his life is the only thing standing between us and the apocalypse! So why'd he only pull this out at the last minute, when it sounds like a stupid excuse?"

"He didn't need to tell us before," Ford said. "We thought he was possessing a tourist, we didn't want to hurt her."

"Ending the world's a lot scarier than killing one tourist! Why bother with the 'tourist puppet' schtick and then escalate? Maybe that's just the kind of half-rate con artist he is, but—just—!" Stan flung his hands up. "Something isn't adding up!"

Ford said, "So you think it's double reverse psychology? He told us killing him would restart Weirdmageddon so we'll think it's a lie, kill him, and actually restart it?"

Stan paused. "No," he said. "No, that's not it, either. If it was, he coulda just let us drive into that invisible barrier without saying anything."

"Then what? What's he actually trying to make us think?"

Stan stared at Bill, still turning over their conversation in the car, trying to put his finger on what had seemed wrong about it.

Wanna find out whether blowing up this flesh prison will kill me or unleash me?

Stan could see Bill's face as it had looked yesterday, on the ground at his feet, barrel of a laser gun aimed at Bill's forehead, looking past it to stare straight into Stan's eyes. Go ahead, Stanley, let's find out what'll happen. He could have claimed then that killing him would end the world—or he could have forced Stan to shoot—but that was all he'd said. Let's find out.

Slowly, Stan said, "He's not trying to make us think anything. He's banking on us being too scared to gamble on what'll happen if he dies. Because he's too scared to gamble." Stan turned to stare at Bill. "You! You don't know if you can come back from this."

Bill blinked and focused on the Pines, glare darting between them.

"Do you?" Stan crossed his arms.

Bill's face twitched, and his defiance collapsed: "No! I don't know! I didn't get to see the terms and conditions on this stupid body—I don't know if I get my angles back when this body croaks, or if I just get shuffled into a human afterlife and that's it!" He forced a furious smile. "But if I don't know what's going to happen, then neither do you! Nobody does! So do you want to find out the hard way?!"

Bill looked from face to face; their silence was answer enough. No. They did not want to find out the hard way. He laughed loudly, reveling in his one tiny triumph.

"All right," Stan barked, "I've had enough of your crap." He cracked his knuckles, marched up to Bill, and socked his jaw.

Bill immediately shut up.

The other humans politely clapped.

####

If they couldn't take Bill out of the weirdness barrier, then for now there was only one place to take him: back to the shack. Stan borrowed a phone to step off the road and have a quick, hushed conversation with his contacts about the change in plans, while Ford helped Dipper and Mabel attach their bikes to the roof of the car.

When Stan returned, Ford said, "We're running out of seats." What he really meant was they were out of seats that would keep the kids away from Bill.

"Just stick me in the trunk!" Bill—leaning against the car boredly while the humans rearranged his incarceration plans—had regained some of his usual pep now that one small thing had gone right for him. He had, somehow, got his hands on the bat Soos had stowed in the back seat, and had been holding it like a cane, unnoticed until he used it to gesture toward the trunk. "I'm a prisoner! Humans put prisoners in the trunk, right?"

Stan snorted. "What, and let you kick out the taillights and escape? I don't think so. And who let you have a weapon!" He snatched the bat from Bill and tossed it in the trunk instead. "Kids, you sit on the front bench." Stan and Soos slid into the back with Bill jammed in the middle.

The drive was very, very quiet.

The only noise was the quiet squeak as Bill took up steadily kicking Ford's side of the front bench. Ford's grip on the steering wheel tightened. He said nothing.

Stan kicked Bill's ankle. Bill kicked Stan. Soos leaned against the window in a futile attempt to escape them and sighed.

And then the car was silent again.

"Say!" Bill said. The other passengers started. "What is it, about three? That's morning! Who wants to go get breakfast?"

"No," Stan and Ford said.

"Aw, come on! I think we're near that truck stop where Sixer had a psychotic episode!" Bill kicked the front bench more enthusiastically. "I thought you guys decided to keep me alive! You'll have a hard time doing that if you let me starve to death."

Ford said, "You're not going to starve to death between now and when we get home."

Soos blinked. "Hey, he slept through dinner, didn't he? Dude. How long has it been since you last ate?"

"Do socks count?"

Dipper and Mabel cast a suspicious glance at the damp half sock lying in the front footwell.

Soos shook his head. "Uh-uh."

"Then depending on which way of measuring nonlinear chronology you want to go by, it's either been a day, a year, or an eternity."

Soos furrowed his brow. Stan sighed irritably and said, "Would it kill you to give a straight answer?"

"It might. I've never tried before." Bill cackled. "It's not my fault I don't know which way you want to count chronology!"

Flatly, Ford said, "How long does your body think it's been since you last fed it."

"I've never fed it."

The humans stared in shock. Even Ford spared a glance in the rearview mirror.

"Ohhh right, that's not optional anymore. That explains the ceaseless abdominal pain! And all Chumbo's griping! And the vertigo when I stand up! And the mood swings!" Bill laughed, "Hey, Fordsy! Turns out I was just hungry!"

"I'll stop for breakfast if you never call me that again."

"Deal!"

Ford took the turn toward the Triple Digit Truck Stop.

####

[arialerendeair]

Hi! 👋🏼 Happy Birthday!! BB!Dreamling prompt:

Hob is a teenage townie and Dream visits his seaside town to stay with his family in their fancy summer house.

Hob works at the country club and Dream is stuck up but fascinated by the boy who (respectfully 😉) doesn’t take Dream's shit (and who has a mouth that looks kissable and whose ass looks criminal in those uniform shorts).

Summer shenanigans and kissing behind the pool shed,,,and talking adulting on the golf course at night.

Thank you for the birthday wishes anon!!

The Dirty Dancing vibes of this particular prompt are immaclate and I love them so much. Hob should be in all of the short shorts, all of the time. Unquestionably. Put that man's hairy thighs on display, he deserves it!

I love the idea that Dream is fascinated by this boy who does not give him everything that he demands/wants the second he asks for it, who tells him no, and then laughs when he is indignant. Who, at first, Dream was disgusted by, how readily he was shirtless and sweaty and sun-kissed, only to, now, after almost three weeks in close proximity, is the leading star in all of his Dream's fantasies. He wants to devour Hob, wants to break him apart, give him another reason to be sweaty and to make him scream loud enough for the entire club to hear it.

It only gets worse when Hob is put on pool duty, and Dream stares hungrily at the bulge in those shorts for a truly inadvisable amount of time. He should be embarassed, but he wants, and he cannot remember the last time that he wanted as fiercely as he wants Hob. Of course, they're not meant to be, and he spends his days at the pool, and his evenings jerking off, thinking of Hob.

It all comes to a head when they are mostly alone at the pool (they are alone, everyone else had gone out drinking and golfing, a far superior way to spend time in their eyes) and Hob had bent over, the shorts puling higher, tighter, all in the name of cleaning the pool, and Dream hadn't been able to muffle the moan that escaped him at the sight.

Hob spins around, looking at him, and Dream is mortified, turned on, and afraid, all at the same time. It's only when Hob continues to stare, and he can see that bulge getting more and more pronounced that Dream realizes Hob might want him back. So he licks his lips and raises an imperious eyebrow. Hob comes closer to, so Dream can see the sweat trailing down his neck and he has to muffle down another noise.

Hob is smirking and Dream wants to wipe away that smirk with the weight of his cock.

"About time, was wondering if you'd ever say something," Hob said, tucking one finger pointedly in the edge of his bathers. "Do you know how many shifts I had to trade for pool duty for more than a week?"

Dream's mouth goes dry at the rapid realizations. Hob is half-hard and growing harder. Hob was here on purpose. Hob was slowly, steadily, tugging the bathers lower and lower, exposing the line of hair going down his navel, and Dream knows that it is obvious how turned on he is, but he can't make himself move.

"If you want your mouth on my cock, and want mine on yours, shut your mouth and follow me to the staff cabins," Hob orders, pulling his suit back up, before striding back across the pool. It takes Dream a precious few seconds to realize that Hob is packing up, and he scrambles to do the same his blood on fire.

Later, when Hob has fucked him boneless (and spends the rest of the week doing so), Dream admits that he wishes they could do this outside the club. That he wants more. That he wants Hob. But their assignations feel stuck here, no matter what he wants more. He isn't expecting Hob to laugh and take his phone to program in his number. Nor is he expecting Hob to promise to take him on a date the following weekend. But that is what happens.

A week later, after dinner, a concert in the park, and desperate kissing against the bark of a tree, Dream brings Hob back to the house that he lives in alone, too big, and too much for one person, and feels it light up with his laughter. It takes surprisingly little to make Hob agree to stay, to come back again and again.

(It takes even less to convince Hob to wear certain parts of his uniform for Dream so he can live out some... recurring fantasies.)

[heyiwrotesomethings]

lady nagant x female reader

lady killed a target and got spotted by R who instead of calling for help starting clapping and smirking 😏. When the cops asked her who did it she just said she didn't know anyone that wOulD dO sUcH a tHiNg

then nagant tracked R down and broke into her house to ask about her actions.

friends who became lOveRs hehe byee

The Victims of Heroes

Kaina Tsutsumi (Lady Nagant) x She/Her Reader

A/N: Thank you for the excuse to try to write for Lady Nagant again. I tried two other times and both turned out bad, so I’m glad I’m finally getting a fic out for her. Warning: Brief allusion to reader’s father attempting s*icide because of the work the Hero Commission made him do. Word Count: 2,134

Kaina had to take the shot.

A very influential Hero Commission sponsored politician was running for governor of the Greater Tokyo Area. Though not public information, his plans would include creating a special task force to search for more children with outstanding quirks to begin their hero training at a criminally early age.

Kaina couldn’t allow that to happen, to have those poor, starry-eyed children’s hands be covered in blood like her own. It was difficult to move freely after killing that Hero Commission Chairman a few months ago, but she would do what had to be done.

Heroes were vigilant, searching for her to lock her up for her traitorous crime, and with the politician’s election campaign gaining traction, his security only grew tighter. Kaina became more anxious as Election Day closed in, but as fate would have it, she found her opening late one night when the self-proclaimed ‘family man’ snuck out for the company of someone other than his wife.

She watched him trail a woman on the street and when he caught up to her, he flashed her an obscene amount of cash. Kaina waited for the woman to pocket the money at least. Perhaps she could afford a therapist with it, she mused, before aiming her rifle at the man and taking the shot.

No wind, no obstacles, no moving target, she might as well have had shot him at point blank instead of the roof of a nearby convenience store. He fell into the gutter like a sack of potatoes.

Kaina expected the woman to scream, but she seemed eerily calm. She blinked, then looked up, somehow spotting Kaina right away. She was no average citizen to parse out the trajectory of a bullet that quickly. Kaina stood frozen as the woman sent her a smile accompanying with a little wave then a light golf-clap.

“You might want to make yourself scarce, Lady Nagant.” She called out, though her voice did not carry too far, “I’m going to need to put on a show here, you understand.”

Kaina slowly backed away from the edge of the roof and as the woman fell away from her line of sight, she heard a scream.

“Oh my god! Someone help! Call 119!”

Too curious for her own good, Kaina hopped a few rooftops down to continue to watch the show. She observed the once nearly empty street roar to life as police cars, ambulances and nosey neighbors flooded the street with light and sound.

“My god, it’s governor candidate Sato!” A police man gasped, “Ma’am, did you see this happen? Did you see anyone suspicious?”

The woman continued to sob as she spoke, “I-I just needed a few things at the convenience store and— and he was laying there when I came out! I just, I don’t know why anyone would do such a awful thing!” She wailed.

Kaina watched on as the officer tried to comfort the woman, her mind filled with questions. Why was this woman helping her get away with murder? They would know it was her soon enough once they found her signature bullet lodged in the politician’s head, but with this woman’s show of hysterics, the police and emergency personnel were all scatterbrained and not following any protocols.

“Let’s get you out of here ma’am. Can I drive you home?” The police officer asked.

The woman shook her head, “I live in that apartment building right there, but if you could walk me in, I would be so thankful. I’ve never been more frightened in my life.”

Kaina watched the officer lead the woman inside before making herself scarce until the chaos winded down in the early hours of the morning. She wanted answers.

It took a little snooping into the apartment records to find the right number, but she found it and climbed a couple stories up to the woman’s balcony and slipped through her unlocked sliding glass door, flinching when a lamp clicked on as soon as she slid the door behind her.

“I was starting to think you wouldn’t come.” The woman yawned, leaning further back into her cozy chair, crossing one leg over the other.

“Who are you?” Kaina demanded, “Why didn’t you tell them what really happened?”

“My name is (L/n) (Y/n),” she decided to uncross her legs and stand up for a more proper introduction, “And I didn’t give you away, because I believe you did the right thing.”

Kaina was skeptical. All the news stations could talk about was how much of a traitor she was. The Commission paid through the nose to leave no doubt in the public’s mind that she was the enemy, so how did (Y/n) come to that conclusion?

“My father was recruited by the commission when he was five years old. He did the same kind of work for them that you did, wiping out troublesome undesirables. It really messed with his head. Except, instead of taking it out on the people who raised him to do those things, he took it out on himself. I’ll never forgive the Hero Commission for what they did to him.”

“I’m sorry.” Kaina rubbed the back of her neck. That would explain it, wouldn’t it? No one truly understood the horrors of working for the Hero Commission unless they were in the trenches or reaching out to the people within.

“You have nothing to be sorry about. He survived, he’s just not all there anymore. Probably for the best, I think he’s happier this way. He smiles when I get to visit him in the hospital anyway. But that’s not what I wanted to say, I wanted to thank you. The chairman you killed a few months ago, he was the one who gave my father the ultimatum that broke him completely. You gave our family justice.”

“I’m not so heroic.” Kaina looked out to the balcony, “It’s not like I knew I was doing you any favors.”

“Justice is justice.” (Y/n) shrugged, “Anyway, I imagine being on the lamb while you do all this vigilante work has been wearing you down. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you like. Visit whenever you want. Food, shower, a bed, someone to talk to, whatever you need I want to provide it for you.”

“I can’t. That’s too much.”

“Come on, Lady Nagant, where else do you have to go?” (Y/n) held out a hand to her, “Stay.”

It would be nice, wouldn’t it? Kaina had been living on the streets. No apartment and no money because she couldn’t risk the heroes finding her. She often toyed with the idea of letting herself get caught just so she could have a place to sleep. She often wondered if she had made the right decision, and now with (Y/n) standing before her, hand outstretched and offering her home to her, it was hard to think that she had ever been wrong.

“Call Me Kaina,” she said, accepting (Y/n)’s hand.

***

“Yes!” (Y/n) jumped up from her seat as the somber newscaster reported on the list of inmates who had escaped during the Tartarus Prison Siege.

There were many troubling names that preceded and followed the name she had been desperate to hear, but she hardly cared. As long as Kaina had escaped, that’s all she needed to know.

Years had passed since Kaina had been caught. She had been fed false information and went out to take care of another Commission figurehead, but it had been a trap. (Y/n) had been devastated when she saw the news. Kaina had wanted to tell her something when she got back… (Y/n) had never gotten to hear it.

When Kaina had been locked away, (Y/n) wrote her letters. It wasn’t a crime to write a letter to a criminal after all. People wrote love letters to serial killers for god’s sake. She didn’t write anything about their time together because she knew the mail would always be read by someone else before it would reach Kaina’s hands. She didn’t even use her real name when signing the letter, but she did hide a code within the words that she prayed Kaina would see through. She did.

(Y/n) had tried to get her to tell her what she had wanted to tell her that night she got caught, but Kaina was stubbornly tight-lipped, saying it was only something she wanted to say if they could meet face to face again.

While everyone else in the city was battening down the hatches, (Y/n) was making sure her balcony door was unlocked, waiting for Kaina’s return. She had accidentally fallen asleep while she waited, but was awoken by a few thumps and bumps.

“(Y/n), (Y/n), are you home?”

Oh, how long she had dreamed to hear her voice again.

“Kaina!” (Y/n) stumbled to her feet and threw herself at Kaina, arms and legs wrapping completely around her.

Kaina held her weight easily, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

“I missed you so much.” She murmured.

“I missed you too,” (Y/n) withdrew her head from Kaina’s neck and took a minute to really look at her. She ran her fingers through Kaina’s hair, noticeably shorter since they last saw each other, “I love the hair.”

“Thanks,” Kaina chuckled, then a more serious look came over her face, “Hey, um, I know this is kind of sudden since I just got here but, I really want to tell you something that’s been eating at me forever and I got a, uh, a ‘friend’ waiting outside that really shouldn’t be left alone for too long, but I wanted to tell you without any distractions.”

“Kaina, I’ve been waiting for this for years, I think we’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”

“You’re right,” Kaina sat (Y/n) down on the counter, “wait here a second… You didn’t deep clean the apartment at any point, did you?”

“What a riveting question,” (Y/n) teased, “but no, I haven’t. Thanks for exposing me.”

“Oh, you’re fine, it’s just us.” Kaina smiled, reaching up into the far back of the highest shelf and something weakly banged on the balcony door, “Ignore that, please.”

(Y/n) shook her head in disbelief, but did as she was told. Kaina worked her way back around the counter with something behind her back and came to a stop in front of (Y/n).

“What I have behind my back was a supposed to be a part two a ways down the line after I got to say what I initially wanted to say, but I’m so, so tired of waiting. (Y/n), you’re my best friend, my confidant, my home, the worst torture in that prison was not getting to hear your voice or see your face. God, what I wouldn’t have given just to smell your shampoo. I love you, and maybe I misstranslated some code, but I feel pretty confident you feel the same way.”

(Y/n) chuckled and nodded, using her legs to pull Kaina in closer to the counter, waiting impatiently for the other shoe to drop.

“I uh, don’t think we could get away with a real wedding, but will you take this ring and be my wife? Even if it’s not exactly a legal union?”

“Yes, Kaina, you sweet, beautiful woman, I’ll be your covert wife. I love you too.”

(Y/n)’s hands snuck back into Kaina’s hair, grasping at the root before pulling her in for a kiss that was long overdue.

“Should we make our way to the honeymoon?” (Y/n) breathed, when Kaina finally gave her enough space to catch her breath. Kaina winced.

“Yeah, probably gonna need a rain check on that.” She looked to the balcony door, so (Y/n) peered over too, seeing the distressed young man sitting out there for the first time. “The poor guy isn’t right. It didn’t feel right leaving him to fend for himself, so I took him with me. Is that alright?”

“Of course, let him in.”

Kaina slid the door open and Kai slowly shuffled in.

“Where’s pops?” He hiccuped, looking around the room hopefully.

“I told you, I don’t know your pops,” Kaina gently reminded, “But we’ll help you find him when it’s safe, okay?”

“Pops… I’m sorry.”

“Here, come sit.” (Y/n) lead him to the couch and helped ease him down. “Let’s make everyone a little something good to eat, hm? I’m sure you’re both tired of prison food.”

“You’re too good to me.” Kaina smiled, putting a cartoon on for Kai in hopes that it would keep him distracted while they worked in the kitchen.

“Well after you just proposed to me so nicely and kissed me so wonderfully it’s the least I can do.” (Y/n) winked, earning her another breath stealing kiss behind the wall of the kitchen nook.

[palmtreepalmtree]

Scheffler, who won the Masters last month, was booked by the Louisville Metro Police Department at 7:28 a.m. EDT on four charges: second-degree assault of a police officer, third-degree criminal mischief, reckless driving and disregarding traffic signals from an officer directing traffic.

About 90 minutes earlier, a pedestrian had been struck by a bus while crossing the road outside the country club, police said. Louisville Metro police spokesman Dwight Mitchell told local radio station WHAS-AM that the man was pronounced dead at the scene.

Traffic was backed up for at least a mile both ways on the only road leading to the golf course. Scheffler, who was scheduled to start his round at 8:48 a.m. EDT, attempted to drive onto a median to get around the crash scene — according to ESPN’s Jeff Darlington, who witnessed the incident — ignoring a police officer who screamed for him to stop.

Scheffler drove 10 to 20 yards toward the entrance, according to ESPN, and a police officer at one point “attached himself to the side of Scheffler’s car.”

Damn. White guy athlete privilege really on display this week, wtf

Scheffler released a statement saying some bullshit about being confused about the officer's instructions. Sure, buddy.

[yallemagne]

Just quit partway through a video essay of a man desperately insisting that Freddy Kreuger from Nightmare on Elm Street can't possibly be a sexual predator, and the remake (which I never watched, I never watched any of these movies) leaning heavily into the fact that he's a predator is wrong bc the video essayist personally found it "too far" even though in the same sentence he talks about the character literally originally being conceived as an explicit predator and throughout the movies being a heavily implied predator.

This is really what they mean when they say media literacy is dead.

I'm screaming under the cut, girl, help.

People refuse things that are not explicitly stated upfront in the simplest words imaginable. Can't let the horror sink in with disturbing implications, you have to show characters in the act of a crime in order for audiences to admit that it happened. But even then they'll be like "nah it's fake. I don't like that you portrayed my favourite murderer as also being a creep".

Just got sick scrolling through comments of people saying "wouldn't the movie have been better if it was revealed he was innocent---" INNOCENT?? HE STILL KILLED CHILDREN??? Oh, come on, cut Freddy some slack, sure he committed unspeakable violence (I literally cannot speak of it bc I didn't watch the movies, I wouldn't know specifics), but at least he wasn't DMing minors---

ᵥᵥₕₐₜ ₐᵣₑ ᵧₒᵤ ₛₐᵧᵢₙG

This fuck literally has blades on his fingers. And if you cannot possibly imagine how the bladed finger imagery invokes the idea of sexual trauma, I cannot help you.

I don't have the surrounding context but hoo boy howdy I look at this man and I know what he is. Like everyone knew that's what he is, what he's always been, but apparently in 2010 they came out and said it with their full chest and a bunch of people were like "woah woah woah... you can't be making such life-ruining accusations... against a fictional child serial killer"

I just. I. There is nothing quite like a man insisting "yes he kills kids but he's NOT A CREEP!!!" as if that sounds in any way reasonable that makes me feel like I'm going insane. Why are you defending him like he's your friend??? He's a fictional character who is an established villain in his source material. You were never supposed to like him, to wanna go out and get a beer with him. You were never intended to feel comfortable leaving him around your kids, so what's changed? Why do you feel betrayed that the bad man is a bad man? You literally got no skin in this game dude, why are you defending his honour like you play golf with him on the weekends???

How are we supposed to bring any real criminal to justice when people are like "innocent until proven guilty >:(((" about FREDDY GODDAMN KREUGER???

That last sentence is a joke, I'm not actually trying to make a big statement about society because some people defend a reprehensible fictional character. But holy shit.

[protege-not-protagonist]

Criminal Minds: The Protégé Chapter 7

Ch 7: My Brother's Keeper Pt. 4

Blurb: The team Race to save the Tilsbury Family and Grace and Luke are forced to confront the unsub without back up. Does Grace have enough confidence in their profile to be able to talk him down?

Masterlist

Previous Chapter

Audience: Recommended mature audience for depictions of violence and sexual references Author's Note: if you see a trigger warning that concerns you, you can scroll to end and I'll have a brief description what happens. I think that system should work well cause then those who don't want spoilers don't have to read the trigger warnings at the start and get spoiled. TW: Ableism, child death, violence, crime scene depiction, kidnapping, hostage situation, Nightmares.

Groton golf course, Groton, SD 11:00AM

They pulled into the parking lot and saw the van was already there. Her eyes swept over the chaotic scene. There was a state trooper giving CPR to a staff member at the blood spattered kiosk. The sheriff was forcing the van’s side door open, trying to free the parents cable tied to hand holds in the back. There was no sign of Alice or Brodey. There was also one of the three golf buggies missing from their designated parking spots near the kiosk.

‘He’s shot an innocent to steal a buggy. He’s devolving. There are too many obstacles to his fantasy.’ Grace concluded. ‘Alice doesn’t have long.’

Alvez turned off the siren, ‘I’m about to a very pedantic groundsman,’ he muttered and floored the accelerator. They tore across the car park and on to the green. Perfectly manicured grass flew in a wake behind them.

Grace radioed Prentiss, ‘The unsub is here, one civilian casualty. We need a medic, unsub currently has Alice. We’re engaging unsub.’

‘We’re five minutes out. Do not engage-’ They crested a hill and saw Brodey dragging a struggling Alice out of the buggy.

‘We have eyes on unsub. Prentiss, Alice doesn’t have five minutes.’ Grace relayed.

Prentiss was quiet for a few seconds, and Grace felt guilt settle in her stomach. The delay was because of her. Only one of them was armed.

Finally she said, ‘We’ll be there soon, do what you can.’

As they approached, Brodey pulled Alice to his chest and pressed a gun to her head. They stopped the car. Exiting the vehicle, they both took cover behind their doors, Alvez poking his gun around the side. Grace, her taser. Immediately, Brodey fired a shot at them. It whizzed into the grass. No casing left the chamber. She was right; it was a revolver, a six shooter.

‘Brodey Phillips, we’re with the FBI! Put down the weapon, step away from Alice!’ Alvez instructed.

He fired another shot at them, and Grace crammed herself behind her car door.

Alice screamed.

So did Brodey, ‘Come any closer and the next one’s through this squirt’s brains!’ He pressed the gun to Alice’s head, and she cried out, tears leaking from her eyes. He pressed it harder against her. 'Shut up!’

‘Let me goooo!’ she sniffled.

‘Listen to her, Brodey. She’s not your brother Jeremy, she not going to fix it.’ Alvez tried.

Brodey’s eyes went wide at the mention of his brother. ‘You’re ruining everything! You don’t understand! It’s not right! They have to fix it!’ He pointed the gun back at them and then flicked back to Alice quickly. It was an odd action, like he had slipped up. Grace then realised why.

Two shots to kill the Giles parents, one for the golf course staff member, two warning shots at them and if Brodey hadn’t reloaded in rapid city…. He couldn’t take them both, but he could take out Alice, so that is where he kept his gun trained.

Behind the car door, she waved one hand at her side discreetly to attract Alvez’s attention. His eyes flicked to her hand across the inside of the car. She raised her index finger into a one then extended her thumb into a finger gun and mimicked it firing. Alvez didn’t look at her as he showed her a thumbs up. He understood her message; Brodey only had one shot left.

'They Have to fix it! It's not supposed to be like this! It's not fair!' Brodey continued to rave. slowly walking backwards dragging Alice with him.

'Brodey I know, They didn’t even get your baby photos developed,’ she tried.

His eyes snapped to her. His face quivered.

She knew what it was like. It was then she realised that she might be the only member on this team who could empathise with this sick bastard. The person who could talk there way out of this. She didn't have a choice, Alice was in danger and Brodey was spirallying. Now or never.

She spoke louder, ‘Brodey, I saw how they treated you. It wasn’t fair.'

‘You saw?’ Brodey asked and focused his attention on her fully now.

Luke kept his gun trained on him as she raised her arms and made a show of putting away her weapon. She needed him to leave Alice, either get him to surrender or waste his last shot firing at them.Getting Alice clear was not an option. They could run, Alice could not. They had bullet-proof vests, Alice did not.

‘I did, and I agree, it’s not right.’ She stepped away from the protection of the car door.

He didn’t turn the gun on her, but she had drawn his attention. He cocked his head in confusion. He hadn’t expected her to agree. She saw a pleased glint in his eyes.

‘Brodey, I understand. When it was just you, things were okay. Your life was perfect. But then when he came along, you would go days without talking to your own parents who lived in the same house… they’d be too tired to talk about your day. You’d have toast for dinner every night for months. They didn’t even say “good night,” or “I love you”… all they cared about was your brother. It’s like being starved. Isn’t it?’

‘Yeah, yeah! It is, they starved me of them!’ he nodded.

‘It’s not wrong to want that. It’s what every child deserves. You deserve to be loved. Your own family should have loved you, they should’ve stuck by you, they should have seen that you struggled, right? You didn’t want to hate Jeremy, but you hated the new school, you hated leaving your old friends. But it wasn’t his fault-’

But Brodey didn’t want to accept that. He was a narcissist. It would break his fantasy if he was to blame for the unfortunate parts of his life.

‘I was here first! I am perfect! I did everything right, and they only cared about him! He couldn’t even talk properly! But they listened to what he wanted!’

She took a step forward and held her hands up. ‘Okay Brodey, I’m listening and I know what you want. You want a proper chance at life, right? You want to have a happy, loving family and you want to do the right thing, cause that’s what you did when you got out of prison the first time, right? You were helpful. That’s who you are.’ She lied.

He nodded.

She gestured at Alice, ‘She isn’t going to give you that. Neither are her parents, Brodey, because they aren’t the people who did this to you. But I think you know that. I’m not going to lie to you. You’ve done a bad thing, because you kidnaped them, we have to take you in. We can’t just walk away. But if you let Alice go right now, and you tell your story, I think any sane judge would be lenient after everything you’ve been through.’ Grace said, hoping to make it seem like they didn’t know he had killed the Giles family or Jeremy. If she let on that they knew he had committed those murders, her lie wouldn’t make sense to him. He couldn’t know he was going away for life. He would feel cornered. Stroke his ego and let him think they only wanted him for kidnapping. Let him think he got away with it.

‘She’s right, Brodey,’ Alvez followed her lead, ‘This whole thing is understandable. You just want to make it right? You just want to be treated right. People will understand that. If we tell your story to the news and the papers, people will understand. You come in quietly and you’ll come out as a good guy.’

‘But I would rather not come in at all,’ he smiled and pressed the gun back to Alice’s stomach. ‘If my motive is so clear, they’ll understand why I did this. Do you think you can catch me if you’re too busy trying to save her?’

Grace refused to panic. Quickly and confidently, she spoke, ‘Do that and it’ll be like Jeremy all over again.’ Brodey glared at her at the mention of his brother’s name. ‘If you hurt Alice, no one will care about what happens to you. She’ll get all the sympathy. No one will care about what happened to you, only what you did to her. And when you go back to prison, Brodey, you know what they do to child killers in there, don’t you? Let her go and put the gun down. It’s the best option for you.’

‘I’ll shoot her, I will!’ He gritted and his eyes flicked between them and Alice.

‘Brodey, every trooper in the state has your picture. Feds and cops surround this golf course. We aren’t alone. You’re not going to get far.’ Alvez revealed.

Brodey began to tremble.

Grace took another step towards him. ‘I’m sorry Brodey, you’re not getting out of this, but how you come out of this, and the story the judge hears, that’s up to you. Hurting Alice isn't going to help you. Who do you want to be Brodey, how do you want to be seen? It's your choice.’

After a nail biting moment of silence, he threw Alice to the ground and lowered the gun to the ground and kicked it away from him. Alvez moved forward and pulled out handcuffs. Grace ran, scooped up the gun and grabbed Alice, lifting her further away for Brodey.

‘You’re alright sweetie, you’re gonna be okay,’ she reassured her and checked her over for injury.

‘I-I-I want m-my m-mo-m and d-dad,’ she sobbed.

‘Brodey Philips, you’re under arrest-’ he waited till the handcuffs firmly clicked on his wrist before adding, ‘-for the attempted murder of Alice, Mary and Joshua Tilsbry, the murder of the Giles family and the murders of Rita and Jeremy Phillips.’

‘No! No!’ Brodey screamed. ‘He never should have even been born. It wasn’t murder, it was mercy-’

Alvez grimaced in disgust, ‘Yeah, yeah, cool story, you have the right to remain silent-’ Brodey suddenly threw his weight against Alvez and got out of his grip. He charged towards her and Alice.

Without thinking, Grace stepped forward and grabbed his undefended shoulders and slammed her knee into his groin. He doubled over. She followed it with a punch to his solar plexus and sweeping his legs out from under him. Instantly, he lay face up on the ground sucking in breaths like a fish out of water. She brought down an axe kick to his chest to make sure he didn’t find any time to recover. He howled in pain. She drew out her taser and pointed it at him. ‘Don’t even try it!’

Alvez hauled him off the ground and into the car. ‘I’ll come back for her. I’m not going to put her in the car with him.’

‘You gonna be okay?’ She asked. Alvez stifled a chuckle. ‘Trust me, after that, I don’t think he’s got much fight left in him.’

She opened the trunk and pulled out an FBI issue jacket and the medical kit. She approached Alice again, offering her the jacket. The girl shivered and took it gingerly. Grace sat on the grass with her and helped her wrap it around her as they watched the car leave with Brodey.

‘You’re safe now Alice, I’m Grace, I’m with the FBI. I’m like a special police woman, okay? We’ve been looking for you all day. Are you hurt?’

‘No, I don’t think so, but he tied up my mom and dad. I want to see them,’ she said.

‘We saw them, they’re alright. I’ll take you to them when the car comes back, okay? They’re safe. Your sister is too. We’re flying her here on a plane super fast.’

‘Thank you for saving me. I was very scared.’

‘Well, that was very scary. I’d be scared too. You’re very brave, Alice.’ Grace smiled and spied a familiar character on Alice’s T-shirt. ‘I like your shirt, is that… Appa?’

‘Yeah it’s Appa, he is my favourite animal!’

‘Really? No way! He is my favourite too! I love Avatar. Who is your favourite character? Mine is Uncle Iroh.’ She saw Alvez speeding back towards them.

‘Sokka, I like Sokka, he’s funny.’

‘Woah, great choice. You’ll like my friend Agent Luke, he’s a bit like Sokka, He loves jerky and jokes.’ Alice giggled and Grace joined her. ‘Okay, I’m going to pick you up to get you in the car. You let me know if anything hurts, okay?’

‘Okay.’ Alice nodded.

When they arrived back at the parking lot, many flashing lights and uniforms crowded her vision. The golf staff member had been taken to the hospital. He was in a stable condition. It looked like he would pull through. Prentiss, Tara and Rossi had arrived, and seen Brodey off in the back of the sheriff’s car. Now, they were going to head back to the inn with the Tilsbry family and take statements. While waiting for the rest of the team and Bella to arrive from Rapid City. As Grace watched Mary and Josh embrace Alice with tears of joy in the parking lot, she allowed herself to smile. But it didn’t last. The feeling soured when she saw another vehicle pull up.

The Tilsbry’s had had a happy ending, but there was one young boy buried somewhere on this course that didn’t.

Rossi walked up to Grace as Dr Boland and the CSI team exited the car. He sighed and patted her shoulder affectionately. ‘Go find him, kid. We won’t be leaving till late tonight.’

She exhaled and stood up straight as the CSI team walked towards her for instruction. ‘Good afternoon, we have vegetation indicators that the body is located around the seventh hole. Once we locate the site, I want one by five metre surface transects of the area, and excavation in 5 centimetre spits till we reach bone, then I want every grain of dirt. It’s unlikely that Brodey will slip out of this one but, I want this to be nothing short of meticulous. Jeremy was nine years old. He deserves the respect of your time and care…’

--------

Gold Stallion Inn Groton, SD 7:00PM

Grace trudged through the doors of the Inn’s diner after washing the dirt off herself and packing her go bag. She had packed now, so the doctor could turn in early without being disturbed later. Dr Boland had opted to remain behind for an extra day to oversee the handover of the victims' bodies to the coroner and their families. Their Sunday brunch looked unlikely.

She made a bee-line for the hot water urn. As she brewed her tea, a voice interrupted from behind.

‘Good to see you still haven’t moved on to the hard stuff yet.’ She jumped, accidentally splashing too much milk in. Avery grinned at her holding a fist out to her.

'You're back,' she smiled and she bumped it with her own.

The rest of the team were back. She should have known. The room had grown louder. Her team were celebrating at a table where the hotel manager was delivering a tray of drinks.

‘Well, if you appreciate the real hard stuff my team’s about to have some, you wanna join them?’

‘I gonna have to take a rain check. I’m having an early one, I’m staying here with the good doctor, gotta make sure we wrap this up nicely. Though I’ve gotta say, not looking forward to flying commercially after I’ve had a taste of the lux life.’

She laughed, ‘Yeah, the lux life.’ She gestured to the case board and grizzly crime scene pictures.

He shrugged, ‘I get it now.’

‘Get what?’ She asked.

‘Why you chose the BAU.’

‘I’m sorry, Ave,‘ she sighed.

‘No, no, don’t be. We all knew you weren’t going to stay CSI forever. You’ve always been an instinct and theory girl. You never did like that your job just stopped at the collection of evidence. You always thought everything meant more. Every speck of anything, indicated a whole person.’

‘You can’t lead an archaeologist to a crime scene and expect them not to dig.’

Avery snorted, ‘True, but I think you like this part too.’ They both looked at the reunion of the Tilsbry family happening in the corner; their tearful smiles and deep hugs. They both smiled. ‘We never get this. Our only victory comes in a courtroom.’

‘Ave… this element of the job is a rewarding bonus we occasionally get, but I left because of something else.’

‘Wasn’t something I said?’ He joked.

‘No, you guys made it a very hard to leave.’ She said. ‘I was encouraged to apply. The BAU was already a man down and… it’s not common knowledge so don’t share this, but Rossi is retiring at the end of this year. That’s why Prentiss has been taking a more active role in the team while Rossi has been stepping back. With the scrutiny the units been under, it's likely they’re not going to hire another member once he goes. He and Prentiss both didn’t want to leave the team underhanded with the changes ahead, so they looked for someone young but skilled to fill the position. Someone who was gonna stay for a long time. Rossi’s an old friend, followed my career. He asked me personally if I would give the position a go. Thought I’d be a good fit. Also didn’t hurt that I was the one that figured out that Sicarius spiders where a C.O.D in that case. Made me a bit memorable.’

Avey let out a low whistle. ‘That’s got to be flattering, huh? Hard to say no to.’

‘I only did the trial period because Rossi asked, but I stayed because… I love it. I loved forensics, but it was just too final for me. I needed to feel like I could do something before it happened.’

‘I get that. But for me, that’s why I’m here. The dead don’t get deader. We can all take comfort in the fact that it’s done, that there’s nothing we could’ve done. Going from that finality, to constantly hunting these guys down, only to find another and another. That can burn you out. I just hope you’re not going to wear yourself out trying to save the world.’

‘I’m a realist Ave, I know I’m not going to save the world. I know there are always going to be people like Brodey… but it’s worth it if I save a few Alices along the way.’ She said with a sad smile. ‘ “You treated a symptom, the disease goes merrily on.” ’ She quoted with a sigh.

‘What is that, Freud?’ Avery asked and nudged her shoulder.

She scoffed, ‘No, BJ Hunnicutt, episode 23, season 7, of MASH.’

‘Ah should have known.’ He said and nodded at her. ‘Well, if you need someone to talk to, or watch MASH with when the disease gets too much, hit me up, I’ll try to keep an open mind and not beg you to come back to us.’

‘I’ll bear that in mind, but also please hit me up whenever you and the gang go out for trivia or do anything fun. I’m trying to hang out with people outside of the context of work and crisis. I miss the AntiSocial-Social-Club events.’

‘And the AntiSocial-Social Fund Jar misses you. We’re going to have to have tone down the Christmas Party this year.’

She scoffed, ‘Oh come on, I did not talk about decomposition that much. And we’re in CSI. It’s appropriate to talk about.’

Avery rolled his eyes. ‘It wasn’t the topic, it was the fact that you talked about that stuff at lunch Grace! By the way, you still owe the jar 15 dollars.’

---------

BAU Private Jet, 10:00 PM

Most of the team were asleep or trying to as Grace washed out her mug and prepared to fill it with a hot chocolate.

‘Hey, good work today,’ Alvez told her as he quietly stepped into the kitchenette to refill his mug. Grace inwardly winced as she recalled their interaction earlier today.

‘Thank you, but uh… not all of it was good,’ she murmured.

He frowned. ‘What? No, the way you empathised with Brodey was good work. How’d you know about toast for dinner?’

‘That’s what I ate when the twins were born. It was all I could make if my parents accidentally fell asleep and forgot to make me dinner, or all they had the energy to cook for me. I was five, but Brodey would have been a teenager, a male only child, who couldn’t handle someone else taking his parents’ attention. Pretty safe assumption he wouldn’t cook by himself. Hence, toast. Two-minute noodles would have been my second guess.’ She explained, then quickly added, ‘My parent were great normally, the twins just wore them out in those few months. I wasn’t starved,‘ She reassured him. ‘But Alvez, I was talking about the way I acted earlier at the house.’

Alvez shrugged it off, ‘That’s okay-’

‘No, it’s not. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I don’t have an excuse other than today has been a bit personally grating. I got defensive, and I lashed out and I’m sorry. I just don’t want you guys to think that I’m not capable. I can handle it. I’m working on it and I won’t let it be a problem in the field-’

Luke held up his hand to stop her there. ‘Woah, Five-O, none of us think you’re not capable. We just worry about you, when you had the nightmare-’

‘Technically, it wasn’t a nightmare. If it doesn‘t wake you up, it’s classified as night terror-’

‘Don’t distract from the issue,’ he cut her off. ‘See, that’s what worries us. You don’t talk to us. We hardly even know what happened to you for those three days, and then you get defensive when we try to broach the subject. It only makes me worry more.’

She bit her lip. The team cared, that was why they pried. Deep down, she knew that. But it was always hard to believe. Her therapist encouraged her to trust people and share parts of herself in friendship. If she felt she did not feel like she had deep relationships, it may be because she didn’t allow them. To that advice, she argued she didn’t like what that she was insinuating and she did not have trust issues. But the fact that every therapy session was like pulling teeth said otherwise.

She sniffed and wipe away a tear that had formed without her noticing. ‘Sorry, I know you’re just trying to care for me. Sometimes I-I just have trouble figuring out when people are going through motions or are genuinely worried about me. Some profiler I am, huh?’

‘Grace, you don’t have to-’

‘No, I want to explain… I don’t want you to worry.’ She paused and nodded more at herself, reaffirming her decision. ‘The Robinson’s case, the memories, what happened, it doesn’t really bother me, most the time. That case wasn’t what the dream was about.’

‘Okay,’ Alvez nodded. They moved quietly past the sleeping team with their full mugs to the empty set of chairs in the corner of the dim cabin.

‘Before I was in the BAU, I helped put away this serial killer. He was a Psychopath, but he had a code he followed simillar to an injustice collector. He would target people who he thought of as hypocrites, and would mutilate and torture his victims according to how he perceived there true nature and then he bury them elaborately. Anyway long story short, it was my presentation of evidence in court that put him away. And after, he wrote me a letter from prison promising… Well, nothing good. In my dream, we were in court again, and he revealed there was another victim. He told me it was someone he chose especially for me. And then I was excavating the grave…’

Alvez listened carefully. ‘It was someone you cared about, wasn’t it?’

She hesitated before shaking her head. She wasn’t ready to explain why it was who it was to anyone on her team. ‘I… um not really like that, I don’t have a boyfriend or anyone like that. But you remember Harrison, the other survivor of the Robinson’s case?’

‘Yeah?’ He nodded. He had taken Harrison’s statement.

‘Well… that’s why JJ thought I was dreaming about the Robinson’s case. That’s who’s name I was murmuring when she woke me up. It was Harrison, and we found him and he was...' She shook her head not even wanting to conjure those images. She exhaled and continued. 'And I… don’t know, it just shouldn’t have happened. He escaped that basement with me. He saved my life. He should’ve had a long, happy life, and there he was hacked to bits, buried in the woods like he was nothing. But the worst thing was… I dream in third person.’

‘Third person, what do you mean?’ Alvez asked with a frown and leant closer.

‘Most of my dreams are like watching a movie. So when I’m in it. There’s two mes, there’s the real me, my mind, my consciousness who watches, and feels emotion, and then there's another me who I watch in third person do the action, like an actor. This dream version of me, when she found Harrison, she just kept going about the scene like it meant nothing. But the real me, I was screaming, I was crying. It was like that part of me that cares was just locked out… Then JJ woke me up, and it wasn’t locked away anymore and I just burst into tears. And I know I wouldn’t actually react that way, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve had that dream four times now.’

They sat in silence for a few moments. Already Grace felt relief in her chest, not even realising it had felt heavy before. Alvez seemed deep in thought, with a pensive expression that almost didn’t suit his usually smiling face.

‘That sucks. I’m sorry. Are you okay?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve had worse dreams, but this one, it’s just stuck with me, and I can’t figure out why it disturbs me so much. I think that’s partly what’s been bothering me even more.’ She answered and rested her head against the cabin window with a deep sigh.

‘I have an aunt that is really into this stuff. She does readings, and she has this big book that will tell you what everything is supposed to mean. Personally, I don’t believe all our dreams are significant. I mean, you tell me what a dream where I’m singing a karaoke duet with Roxie and then my teeth fall out is all about-’

‘-Well, teeth falling out is a common dream associated with stress. Talking animals are an indicator that someone watched an early 2000s movie with bad CGI talking animals before going to bed.’ She smiled. ‘I’m joking. I don’t think the nonsensical parts have deep meanings.’

He gave her a small chuckle. ‘I agree, but I think if it’s troubling you, there may be something behind it.’ Alvez reached out to place his hand over hers to stop her nervous fidgeting, and she didn’t flinch away. ‘Five-O, I’m no dream doctor, but I think the reason the dream shook you up so much is because it showed you what you’re really afraid of.’

‘Finding people I know as victims?’ She already knew she had that fear.

He shrugged. ‘Perhaps, I think we all fear that. But I think your dream shows you that you’re afraid of losing something you don’t even realise you value; your compassion. You’re afraid that this job will make you cold. And let me say this, Matthews; you don’t have to worry about that, ever. You care for every victim we encounter, even when they are dead. It’s part of who you are. I think it would be impossible for you not to care.’

She stared at him in wonder. He was right. And he didn’t know how right he was. She was glad he thought she didn’t have to worry. She had him convinced it was easy for her to care, easy to be compassionate. It wasn’t. It was a choice. It was how she’d chosen to live and some days it was hard. It was hard when witnesses were accusatory and rude. It was hard when victims were horrible people. It was hard when unsubs were detestable. But she had seen what it was like to be cold. She even felt what it was like to switch off. Grace wouldn’t wish that upon her worst enemy.

‘Thanks, Luke,’ she managed a small smile at him as she wiped her face with the sleeve of her cardigan.

‘Anytime, hey, you can tell me anything. Okay? I’m a good sounding board.’ He rubbed her arm comfortingly, and she didn’t hate it.

‘I appreciate the offer, but for me, it’s more difficult to talk to… a friend, about this kinda stuff,’ she admitted. ‘And I do talk about stuff like this, just not with you or the others. I have a therapist I talk to. Just so you don’t worry that I’m bottling stuff up-' Luke grinned at her widely. She frowned. ‘What is it?’

‘Nothing, just reeling from the fact that you just called your friend,’ he said.

Her eyes widened. ‘I’m so sorry, if I gave you the impression that you weren’t-’

He stopped her. ‘No, no, not at all. You just said it out loud, and I’m savouring it.’

She snorted at that and dug around in her bag, pulling out her business card. Under where it said, “Profiler with the Behavioural Analysis Unit” she wrote in big block letters.

“FRIEND OF SSA LUKE ALVEZ”

She passed it to him, and he laughed. ‘Well, now you have it in writing, so we both don’t forget.’

--------

Next Chapter

TW:

Ableism: Unsub is targeting physically disabled people and uses awful language to describe disabled people. Says some pretty awful things when being taken into custody.

mention of Child death: previous victims remember

kidnaping: the unsub has kidnapped a family.

Hostage situation: unsub has a child hostage and at gun point for the first section of the chapter, it turns out okay.

Nightmares: Grace tell Luke her nightmare it involves being emotionless while examining the grave of someone close to her.

Crime scene description: there are multiple in this chapter. a bit of jargon below:

'Spits' are the term use to label the layers archaeologists work with. For example if a hole is dug 12 Inches deep, that will be broken up into layers that are sifted for evidence. So you could have 2 large spits of 6 inches or 4 smaller spits of 3 inches or 6 tiny spits of 2 inches and so on. The smaller the spits the more detailed the investigation is but also the more time consuming.

NOTE:

Woohoo! that's the end of the first case. Did you like it? To those who thought, 'oh I see, you're taking a young neuro-spicy FBI agent, putting her in the BAU and traumatising her as she gets older until they become like there washed up mentor'… Sorry. Slaps Grace on the shoulder like a used car this one comes pre-traumatised. But that's not to say, there's no room for more. Gestures to Grace this baby can fit sooo much trauma in it.

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this and let me know what you think so far. If you love it, or even just like it, please leave a comment and/or like, reblogs, it is much appreciated and it really motivates me.

[holycorrupt]

OC MUSIC

Thanks for the tag @skyderman took me a second to fill this out because I wanted to be sitting at my desk to make it easier lol I tag @gearthepunk , @bmmbooshoot 👀 I wanna see your oc playlists ehehe (no pressure though!) MOTHERS THOUSAND EYES PLAYLIST Now under the cut I'm going to ramble about a couple songs for each of the boys and then a couple bonus tracks ;^) Uh word of warning this gets very very long and rambly because music is the #1 inspo for MTE's world and characters lol...

FRANCIS 1.) President Heartbeat - Everything Everything

The vibes of this song are very Francis and I connect the lyrics of feeling out of place in your own body with him quite a bit. I highlighted a few lines I find powerful as well.

If you burst into flame now Will they call you a human being? And your spine is a glass spire And your flesh is the concrete And your blood is the sewer And your skin is the city wall Well I wanna be different But it never gets different And you promised me Heaven And you said it would happen soon

Do you live in the new world On the grave of the old world? With a coffin of sunlight That you carry upon your back? Feel the rat at your ankle And the rush in your eyeball And they're bludgeoning cycle And the way you don't even feel Well I think about living And I think about burning And I think about dying And I think about all this fear And I wanna be useful And I wanna be hopeful What's the matter with hopeful? I just wanna get out of here

2.) I See Failure - Antarctigo Vespucci

ugh this song.... honestly I don't want to copy paste the whole thing but the lyrics are just like 100% him and his feelings with the budding romance going on with Sam and his doubts about the future he wishes he'll have vs the future he thinks he deserves :^(((

When I look into the future, I see failure And fear and death and endless tragedy When you look ahead, tell me, what do you see? Is it still something involving you and me?

When I look to the night sky I see darkness With well-lit interruptions in between When you look above, tell me, what do you see? Is there a heaven in the sky for you and me?

When I ask you what you really think And I freak out about everything When you try your best to clear my head But I sink a mile under the bed Is it all my fault or just most of it? My potential turns to worthlessness And you reach to pull me out of it But the weight just starts to suck you in You say, "It can't be me, no not again I'll drown in the rain before this storm ends" All the missteps flash inside my head And I'm wondering Oh-

THESE VERSES!!!! i'M SCREAMING!@!!!!

3.) Pray for Pills - Small Leaks Sink Ships

This one tonally might not be for everyone tbh but I legit got chills the first time it popped up into my discover weekly lol, the contrast of harsh instrumentals, the angelic humming and the guttural lyrics... its Francis vibes to a 'T' LOL While I don't really relate the actual words in the lyrics that much with him the overall vibe is too perfect! (Save for the end ;^)

SAM

1.) Good Shoot, Good Soldier - Everything Everything

Look, I can't talk about Sam and music without bringing this song up ok?? I relate it a lot to Sam's personal struggle at both trying to to the right thing as a person and Do the Right Thing™️ as an authority figure. I also relate it a little with him pondering if he's actually a good person or not...in the eyes of God has he done the right thing? It's soft and bittersweet and just perfect...

You're a grown man, you're a good leader Don't everybody know Uh, what's the right thing, what's the right thing to do? I'm a police, I'm a policeman And you're a criminal We decided, we decided that's that Do the golf clap for all the right people They don't know that you laugh It's a secret, this is why I'm telling you It's all gone It's all done, mmm If I'm wrong, then strike me down With a bolt from the heavens With a breath from a holy sigh If I'm right, then light my way Can you tell me the difference? Can you see it through all our eyes?

"Can Mother see I'm a good person through your eyes?"

Tell me your truth, tell me a story And I will follow you

Quite literally Sam learns from Francis of his abuse and terror growing up in the church and instead chooses to follow him instead of his soldier hood HE CHOoSES HIM AHGDJDGHGHLJ

If I promise to be good And split open the grave mouth Would you take me to paradise? If my bones just fall away And my skin is a dust cloud Would you siphon my soul from air?

2.) In a Sweater Poorly Knit - mewithoutYou

tbh the first couple times I listened to this one I was on a fence but the lyrics are really 'Sam Core' HAHA... also huh this is one where I'm literally going to paste 90% of the lyrics because...come on...

A fumbling reply, an awkward rigid laugh And I'm carried helpless by my floating basket raft Your flavor in my mind's back and forth between Sweeter than any wine and bitter as mustard greens And it's light as dark as honeydew and pumpernickel bread The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead Go plow some other field and try and forget my name We'll see what harvest yields, and, supposing I'd do the same I planted rows of peas, by the first week of July They should have come up to my knees But they were maybe ankle high Take the fingers from your flute to weave your colored yarns And boil down your fruit to preserves in mason jars And the books are overdue and the goats are underfed The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead You're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence You made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since And if she comes circling back, we'll end where we'd begun Like two pennies on the train track, the train crushed into one But if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed If I come without a thing, then I come with all I need No boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head The trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead

The honeydew and Pumpernickel bread line is SO PERFECT

3.) Hell and You - Amigo the Devil Uhhhh...homoerotic loyalty??! That's all I'm gonna say B^)

BONUS SONG

Hearts and Mess - Gotye

The perfect song to describe Sam and Francis' romantic relationship in the beginning, Sam yearning to be let into Francis' stoic walls.... the erratic drums, the rockiness of new feelings ;o;

[trollprincess]

About a week or so ago, I was at the local grocery store and got to talking with the elderly clerk. She was talking with me and someone else about how she's retired twice but got bored and went back to work. Which is fine! If you're retired and you find you want to go back to work, you should be able to.

But part of her conversation was complaining about how people can stay home and get paid to do nothing, and someone else backed her up, and I had to resist the urge to scream.

I am not going to be able to retire. I know that. Unless by some sort of miracle I win the lottery or manage to help catch a wanted criminal and get a huge reward, there's no way in hell I'll be able to retire. I work two jobs and have a podcast and I still constantly struggle to get anywhere financially. I've got $58,000 in student loan debt that's not budging. And for added fun, I've got a family history of cardiovascular disease where my grandpa dropped dead on the golf course at 52 or so and my grandma died of a stroke at sixty and my mom could die of the same damn thing at any moment. If I don't work myself to death, I'll die before I can stop working.

I wish I could just believe that woman was only talking about people who supposedly scam welfare or disability to stay home even though that's patently bullshit. I did play it off like that, though, and said, "Honey, I've worked with lazy people before I'm much rather pay to stay home than have to deal with in the workplace. You're going to tell me you haven't?" That shut her up.

That said, I don't think that's all that she meant. I genuinely think she meant it about retirees, too. And she's lucky I didn't say exactly what I've been thinking since, which is this:

Bitch, you're lucky you get to HAVE a retirement if you want.

I don't. I know a lot of people who don't. And a lot of the reason we don't is because of people YOU voted into office. Assholes who will definitely get to retire, or won't because sitting in a congressional seat until their skeleton has to be carted out earns them massive amounts of money from lobbyists paying them to do jack shit.

"I was too bored when I was retired."

You're lucky you GET to be bored! I don't get to be bored. I get to work and sleep. I get to research my podcast while at my weekend job while occasionally checking the social media accounts I work on at my part-time job. And then I come home and sleep. I don't have the goddamn energy to do *anything*. I keep trying to squeeze in crafts like making little mini-dollhouses or paint-by-numbers kits as stress relief and all it does is make me feel guilty I'm not working on something else.

You're SUPPOSED to be able to relax! You're supposed to be able to spend an entire fucking day eating Cheetos and watching old episodes of MST3K and only getting out of bed to use the bathroom and retrieve your DoorDash order. You're not supposed to work and work and work until you fall to pieces. I've been making myself go on small vacations since the pandemic because it hit me just how little I've traveled and I refuse to die not having gone anywhere but work, college, and home.

But for Christ's sake, if you have the option of retiring, DO IT. If not for yourself, for the rest of us. Let us live vicariously through you. Go on cruises, or learn how to dance, or just stay home on the couch hanging out with your dog and watching soap operas. Do you have any clue how many people my age and younger envy your opportunity to just do nothing? Absolutely fucking nothing? Because thanks to YOU, more than likely, we won't get that option.

[the-firebird69]

There is a massive massive massive show going on in the golf and other areas there's a huge War and these people are upset Disturbed because they're a little tricks don't work I want them dead I don't care what anybody else says well I guess I have to present it they are too simple for this they're too dangerous I would not controlling them like we said we would and he's not very happy with it and he's telling us you got to get me out of here and let somebody else handle it or something or get in here and do the job and he's saying it to me and she's saying to me over and over it's ridiculous it's so heinous there's so many people a day saying stupid s*** doing stupid s*** they come out of nowhere and say it to him like it's their duty or like they have to I don't want to hear it anymore they have every excuse in the book and they have them type these things yeah they don't remember what he's typing none of them do this is a heinous heinous behavior and activity I want someone else to tell me what to do here we've got Olympus and you just sit there listening to us complain we're telling you change what's going on here and and you're not listening it seems

Thor Freya

We kind of get something we're not in there fighting it doesn't mean we'll get infected it means we're not carrying the weight he and his boys are carrying the cements weight they're getting extremely powerful and his country too because they're doing tons of work we're walking around patting ourselves on the back and realizing they were not doing much of it so I started doing work today I figured out they have a lot of loose ends and they can't help it because they're understaffed they've been screaming it telling us ordering it and he's insane what do you think's going on and all out of control so I'm pissed off and I'm going to go to Olympus and say that it would negligent in our duties bordering criminal behavior because it's absolutely true here in this state of Florida this is where it's all at we're supposed to be doing our plan and we're not we're just barely doing it and it's horrible

Nuada Arrianna

The problem is we're reaching the saturation levels we called on and it's not doing it so we called upon people to increase it and they are and it's still not doing it so we have to come at it from a different direction and we are and it's starting to work we have a presence and we're going to increase it we are taking over area and lands and it's going to work we need to apply effort and stop wondering about idiots I'm so tired of hearing this s*** and so is he getting here and mess them up if they're bothering you

Frank Castle Hardcastle

We have to stop this means we're going to we're coming down on our father and mother and they're telling us to stop doing that and they're being a little bit disobedient when we should be running the plan because it's working. Now I'm starting to man up. And I am getting ready to come in here with a huge construction for us and that's what he was calling for and others and we don't want to hear this crap anymore for these losers. There's a lot of things people people could be doing they're driving around glaring at each other trying to drive by here pissing people off messing with stuff and trying to get groceries stuffing there old decrepit senile faces I'm tired of seeing them trying to eat and they can't cuz they're stupid. He wants me to stop complaining right now is very tired of seeing their faces in person he wants me to come in here and in person see their faces every day all day long and I'll stop complaining. Now I'm starting to see what he's saying he's sitting here listening to him and watching him and he can't report because I keep on berating him about it and it's starting to bother me because people aren't stopping me and I'm ordering you to not have me do that so they want me to stop me I guess I will it's difficult because people are forcing me to do it you see I want you on the line doing the job as I ordered you to it's disgusting vile crap we're going to use it against these pieces of s*** but it's not our way it's not what we want to do it's what they want to do that's the problem with it right now

Thor Freya I'm calling a meeting this is terrible sister just wiped them out if you can't deal with it otherwise stop complaining to him he's recording he's a soldier in a spy and people going to be brought up on charges and it's illegal to evoke him saying that and I'm doing that actually I do regret to say that I don't want to publish but this is what's going on everybody's running around having me say all this stupid s*** because you want to lean on these retards to have them do the job just like they want it's illegal so he wants to find out who's doing it because evoking him to say things he shouldn't and recently he's been trying to straighten it out and they come by and force him not to

[gaykarstaagforever]

My YouTube Rewind Top 10 for 2022, based generally on time "viewed" (Starting 7 months ago, I drive for a living now, so "Can I just listen to it?" is weighted very heavily here).

(Also I am 40 so this is a very Dad Content list. Which is weird because I am not a dad and do not follow the sportsball. But Dadness still infiltrated things a bit. There are no golf or sportstalk channels, don't worry. Not yet, anyway.)

1. The Weekly Planet -- Generalist nerd media podcast out of Melbourne, Australia. Hands down the only good podcast on the entire Internet. Their Best Of compilations from years past are required listening and relistening. Also they do a short weekly show about movies and TV shows called Caravan of Garbage that is the bar by which all others are judged, and always come up short.

2. DankPods -- Sydney, Australian, retro mp3 player channel that has now expanded into general audio hardware reviews. But oh, so much more is going on here. This guy is one of the funniest, most energetic creators on the platform. Even if you don't care about anything he is interested in, you will love watching him talk (and scream) about it. Co-starring Frank the Snake. He also has two side channels about fixing up trashed Australian cars and drumming (he is a drummer by trade) that are just as good.

3. That Chapter -- True crime with a sense of humor, that is only occasionally mean-spirited. But even in those cases it is usually in the service of bad Dad Jokes so that's okay. He always tries to include actual 911 calls and trial footage, 20+ minutes, here is what happened, in a straightforward way that respects your intelligence. None of that "creating a narrative" horseshit that make true crime podcasts by actual journalists un-fucking-bearable 10 hour slogs that pretend they are saying something profound about the universe by the end. They're not. Stop paying 8 people to produce these; maybe then you wouldn't have to shill for whatever criminally-overpriced nonsense Peloton just invented. True crime podcasts suck, That Chapter is why.

4. Morbid Midnight -- He covers what I can only call "disasters," some true crime, others extreme sports accidents, also plenty of generally horrendous historical events. Lots of stories about people being blown off of mountain sides or getting trapped in caves. His subdued delivery of dark content is like what Chills pulled off, back before it became a meme and a parody of itself. I don't know why I like hearing about adventurous people dying horribly. Probably because I can then feel smug about how I wasn't so stupid as to dive into a cave like a big stupid idiot, you idiots. You shouldn't have been doing that. You should just get drunk and watch YouTube like me. See? They're the losers, not me.

5. Professor of Rock -- Oh god, the Dad. This is a daily upload channel in which Adam Reader, the Professor of Rock, talks about Dad Rock, and how great Dad Rock is, and how modern not-Dad Rock sucks. Tons of classic rock trivia, and also snippets of long-form interviews with the artists who made this stuff. This is the channel you are forced to admit is good and you like while simultaneously being embarrassed about how old that makes you look. But that's not Adam's fault. Seriously, a good channel for music nerds.

6. Cathode Ray Dude [CRD] -- He started doing short-form videos about the old camcorders he collected. He now does long videos about fascinating and obscure cul de sacs in tech history, routinely with live demonstrations of said tech. And yes, he almost always ends up explaining how this wonky failed media format can actually be a metaphor for our sad, short little lives. Which would be forced journo bullshit. Except it always ends up forcing me to respect the legions of unsung engineers and desperate marketing executives who had a hand in creating our modern technocratic world, even if only by failing spectacularly. These goofy creations really are artifacts of entire little worlds, many of them long-dead and forgotten. It is as sad and funny as it is fascinating.

7. Snipe and Wib -- A Warhammer 40,000 channel, but HOLD ON, this is one of the good ones! They do a show called Codex Compliant that goes through the published history of Warhammer lore from Rogue Trader in the mid-1980s to now. They love 'grimdark' and Space Marines as much as they understand that all of it was created as a cheeky English parody of melodramatic, misogynistic total-war fantasy worlds. I always thought Warhammer 40K was a boring expensive thing for the grossest WASP nerd boys before I watched Snipe and Wib. Now I know that Warhammer 40K is a boring expensive thing for EVERYONE. I'm not buying and painting miniatures or arguing over protractors yet, but I kind of want to because of Snipe and Wib. I at least get it now. It is a lot to manage, but a lot of it is pretty cool.

8. Imbrandonfarris -- Like I have to explain who Brandon Farris is. He is a charismatic guy who hurts himself and destroys his own apartment to entertain the world's children. And he doesn't say swears so they're allowed to watch it. And BOY, do they watch it! This is content for 8 year olds. But goddamn it if it isn't really, really GOOD content for 8 year olds, the kind the rest of the family can enjoy, too. Brandon is charming as hell, his story is heartwarming, his family is adorable, and you don't even resent him for recently buying a palatial estate in which he can spray foam on everything. This is a guy who exists to do the stupid shit the rest of us wish we could do, and he kills himself doing it, and the world has rightly responded by rewarding him for it. Good on you, Brandon. Also it is just really funny to watch a man destroy a bedroom with an exploding pumpkin filled with glitter and then fall down.

9. Warlockracy -- Russian-based gaming channel that mostly posts long-form analyses of PC RPGs, especially those in the isometric family of the original Fallout games. These games maintain a huge cultural influence on gamers in Russia and Eastern Europe, and being one of those, Warlockracy uses his platform to give the rest of us an insider's perspective of that world. Seriously, if you want to understand modern Russia, and even the war in Ukraine, Warlockracy casually explains complex aspects of both of these, via the easily-grasped context of games like STALKER and Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines. I believe he is still in Russia, so I don't know how he pulls off this kind of commentary at this point and hasn't gotten in trouble yet. But he keeps doing it, and with an easy sense of humor that I cannot comprehend, having to live under those circumstances. I wish him the best, and hope to enjoy his content as long as it lasts.

10. Thew Adams -- Thew reviews Transformers. But that...that doesn't begin to cover it. Threw Adams is a ray of sunshine on YouTube, and everyone needs to watch his videos. Don't care about Transformers? Doesn't matter. Seriously. It DOESN'T MATTER. You will like Threw. You will never see a more delightful person. And no matter your gender or sexuality, if you don't want to kinda kiss him on the mouth, you're not human. Thew makes everything fun, especially when he doesn't like something. Thew Adams is the bit of chocolate you let yourself have every day because no, you don't NEED IT, but it makes you happy, goddammit. Watch Thew. Thew is good.

Honorable Mentions (in that, these are consistently good channels I have liked for years, even if their specific content every year might not be perpetually notable):

Jenny Nicholson

Ashens

LGR

Techmoan

PeanutButterGamer / Peebs

Scott the Woz

Your Dinosaurs are Wrong

Secret Galaxy (formerly Toy Galaxy)

Drew Gooden

Pyrocynical

[scattered-winter]

batkids as things my siblings and I have done part 2

because y'all liked the other one and because my siblings and I are the harbingers of chaos incarnate

(part 1)

-------

Dick, Tim, Duke, and Steph: drew airbender tattoos in marker all over faces and arms and proudly showed Bruce when he got home

-----

Duke: built a fort out of pillows and blankets and refused to leave for 2 days

-------

Cass: made MIIs (from the WII) of everyone in the family except they all had mustaches

-------

Dick, Damian, Cass, Duke, and Tim: stayed up all night watching Star Wars and fell asleep in a giant cuddle pile

---------

Jason: *charging up the stairs* "I WANT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH!!!!!!"

--------

Steph: "hey can I drive?"

*immediate chorus of groans*

---------

Jason and Duke: made cookies at midnight

--------

Steph: almost burned the house down because she put tinfoil in the microwave

--------

Everyone: *playing tag*

Dick: climbing out windows, vaulting over fences, hiding in window wells, climbing onto the roof to jump down on people, etc

--------

Steph: painted the neighbor’s tree while everyone else stained the fence

------

Damian: spent 3 hours drawing an elaborate charcoal-and-pencil rendition of the “disturbed Tom” meme

--------

Everyone: ordered pizza and scared the pizza guy when he came because they were so loud

--------

Duke, Tim, and Cass: watching Wipeout in a hotel room and judging the dives as people fell into the water

---------

Jason, Damian, Dick, and Steph: watching American Ninja Warrior and saying “I could do that” every time someone did anything

-------

Damian: put the dog on the trampoline while everyone was sleeping on it and watched the chaos ensue

-------

Dick, Jason, Tim, and Steph: played a game where they would put everyone’s shoes on the trampoline and jump around and try to avoid them. Tim got hit in the face with a steel-toed boot, Steph had red marks on her arm from a flip-flop Jason threw at her (he got disqualified) and Dick would belly flop on top of all the shoes and send them flying in all directions just to mess everyone else up

--------

Everyone: screamed “duck” every time a car drove past the yard, and everyone would immediately dive to the ground, no matter what they were doing at the time

Dick, carrying trays of food for roasting hot dogs:

Tim: D U C K !

Dick: *drops all the trays and dives to the ground*

Bruce: *long, tired sigh*

------

Duke, Steph, Cass, and Damian: rolling down the hill and chasing each other while still being dizzy

-------

Jason: sneezed in Tim’s oatmeal (on purpose)

-------

Steph: peed in Dick’s cereal (on accident)

------

Steph and Cass: switched clothes for a day and waited for someone to notice

------

Damian and Jason: made an elaborate and complicated handshake and performed it at the most inappropriate settings (funerals, weddings, church, school assemblies, etc etc)

---------

Dick: “our Uncle Tom just passed away”

Jason: “it’s ABOUT TIME! He was like A HUNDRED!”

-------

Duke: *answers phone* “hello yes you’ve reached the house of the criminally underrated, where can I direct your call?”

-------

Cass: *answers phone in a creepy voice* “do you know where my eyes went?”

-------

Dick: *driving and sees a road work sign* “road work ahead?”

Everyone, immediately: “UH YEAH I SURE HOPE IT DOES”

-------

Jason: shoved Damian into a cupboard and wouldn’t let him out

-------

Dick: I just think I’m amazing

Tim: *snorts*

-------

Steph: blasted All Star and ran around the manor with her face painted like Shrek

--------

Tim: screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP” every time someone walked into his room

------

Cass and Duke: made a wreath out of golf balls and goose feathers and gave it to Alfred, who proceeded to proudly display it on the grill of his car

------

Steph: attempted to make popcorn Once (1) and is now banned from the kitchen

--------

Damian: *leans over to smell bread baking in the oven* MMM FLESH

--------

Dick: played exclusively meme songs on the piano for months

---------

Tim: blasted a trombone at 1 am and got grounded from touching another musical instrument for 2 weeks

-----

*at school*

Tim: hey

Jason: what the hell do you want

------

Jason: locked the truck doors and started to drive away without Dick

Dick: jumped in the truck bed while screaming "DAD'S GONNA GROUND YOU!"

Jason: "NO HE WON'T FUCK YOU!"

------

Tim: *gets hit in the face* OW

Damian: *awkward pat* It's all right to cry. Let it out.

Tim: *loud obnoxious sobbing*

Damian:

Damian: ok put it back in

------

and now for some things we’ve done at Halloween in honor of Spooktober Season.......

Damian: dressed up as a caveman and dressed the dog up as a triceratops and went trick-or-treating together

Everyone Except Damian (because he was a caveman): dressed up as characters from Lord of the Rings

Dick: Legolas

Jason: Aragorn

Steph: Gimli

Cass: Boromir

Duke: Gandalf

Tim: Frodo

Duke (another year): sat out on the porch dressed like a puppet and holding the bowl of candy. Every time someone tried to get some he scared them

------

Jason: spray painted the grass red

Dick: "don't do that, it's too violent"

Jason: "no it's perfect"

------

Damian: spent 3 hours making spiderweb decorations out of white yarn

Dick and Tim: sat inside with a huge bowl of candy watching horror movies instead of trick-or-treating

Steph and Cass: dressed up as Grim Reapers and ran at people screeching

[tarosin]

The great adventures of y/n, Tommy, Jack and Tubbo

Requested:yes/no

Pairing: Platonic jack/tommy/tubbo/reader

Summary: another day another adventure

Content warning: cursing / I didn't proof read

An: reader has bright unnatural hair I wrote a lot, I can't figure out how to add read more on mobile I'm sorry

The music you were currently listening to was interrupted by the discord group notifying you that you have a new message.

Tommy: Y/N HOW BUSY ARE YOU TUBBO HAS COME TO VISIT AND JACK IS HERE

y/n: I mean I've currently got hair dye on but it’s being washed off and dried in around 20 minutes, why?

y/n: WAIT TUBBO?!?!

tubbo: oh yeah I forgot to tell you

y/n: how did you forget you know what nevermind, I’m glad you’re here :]

jack: we should be here in an hour so you have plenty of time to get ready

tubbo: what colour dye y/n

y/n: you’ll see soon enough as apparently, you’re all showing up at my house

Tommy: I suggest you wear comfortable shoes

y/n: I am terrified

Tommy: you have nothing to fear... for now

•••

luckily it had only taken you just over 40 minutes to get ready giving you roughly 20 minutes to prepare for the adventure ahead. or so you thought, as soon as you sat down ready to check your phone the sound of Tommy and tubbo laughing could be heard from your room, jack sent a message “hey we got here extremely early I’m sorry there’s no rush the others have been distracted by dreams music :)”

grabbing a backpack from next to your bed you had quickly chucked your phone and purse into the bag unsure as to what you’re going to need today.

•••

as soon as you opened the door you were met with an ecstatic tubbo who instantly pulled you into a hug unable to contain their excitement of seeing their friend

“I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES YOUVE CHANGED SO MUCH LOOK AT YOUR HAIR”

“I look exactly the same”

“Now I’m no genius y/n but last time we spoke you didn’t have unnatural hair”

you paused for a moment as tubbo had a point the last time you and tubbo were on face time your hair was classed as a natural colour however today as a fuck you to your school which didn’t allow unnatural hair you decided to dye it your favourite colour.

“you raise a fair point now if you don’t mind releasing me from your grasp I have to lock the door so no one gets in”

•••

“Tommy unlock the door let tubbo and y/n in”

“Y/N YOU'RE HERE- HOLY SHIT YOUR HAIR! JACK ARE YOU SEEING THIS”

“Hello to you too Tommy”

“well if we weren’t going to get noticed at the shopping centre earlier y/ns bright fucking hair will definitely cause people to notice us”

“oh I’m sorry I didn’t expect to be going shopping with a bunch of Minecraft streamers today”

“don’t you stream Minecraft?”

“This isn’t about me jack”

the trip to the shops was surprisingly relaxing y/n sat at the front listening to jack sing along to songs playing on the radio, however, it was clear the boys had something they weren’t telling y/n which became evident through Tommy and tubbo bickering in the back of the car about who was going to tell them. it was a relatively short journey due to the fact you lived close to the city centre

•••

“let’s go shopping boys” Tommy practically yelled to everyone, tubbo held his phone in your direction then looked towards you, nodding at him you grabbed his phone and began recording

“I'm vlogging”

Tommy walked over “YEAHHHHH”

walking past cex you had to put up with Tommy making sex jokes until you made it to game, you stood holding back your laugh as you filmed Tommy and tubbo fighting about who’s paying whilst jack went off to buy a Minecraft squishy and mug despite everyone’s arguments against it. soon enough fans came over asking for photos with you all once the group of fans left jack took over recording for tubbo whilst you went off to quickly buy some games that you could play on stream.

•••

“want a wig bro? jack!”

the four of you walked into the shop, you couldn’t help but stand in awe looking at all the bright colours already questioning what colour to dye your hair next the sound of Tommy and jack being amazed pulled you out of your thoughts

“Gogy goggles, I’m actually buying them”

“i wan’t a pair”

“no, you’re getting a wig jack”

“I don’t want a wig I want George”

“y/n has bright hair and they’re not complaining”

“what do you have against people with colourful hair jack hmm?”

•••

“I'm not happy”

“you look lovely jack”

“we’re getting so many looks”

tubbo stopped everyone to ‘fix’ jacks wig which resulted in everyone laughing once you had finally stopped laughing you noticed tubbo had walked off and you were convinced jack had randomly decided to record strangers until you saw tubbo going up and down escalators

“oh there he goes again”

“pov you’re thinking about bees”

“where to next boys?”

Tommy pointed towards the lift

“Is this a lift for us”

Tommy noticed the safety sign and automatically made comments about it

“keeping us all safe is what I would say if I wasn’t carrying a knife”

“oh same Tommy”

“look you can see me”

taking that as an invitation to join the vlog you stood behind tubbo and pointed at the sign again and looked at Tommy and jack

“keeping us all safe is what I would say if we weren’t about to do this-“

the three of you went to jump up and down

“NO”

the four of you quietly left the lift however you were convinced that the public heard Tommy comment on having a knife and you threatening to jump as once the lift opened everyone was staring at you but it could also be due to the fact you had brightly coloured hair and somehow convinced jack to keep the wig on, you all spent a long time trying to convince Tommy to get a new outfit, eventually you went into another shop a certain keyboard caught your eye

“I’ve found my home, ill stay here at the gamer bunker”

you decided now was the perfect time to sneak off to buy the keyboard that had caught your eye, once tubbo noticed it was too late you stood holding the bag with your purchase leaving you stood in the middle of the shop defending your purchase to him claiming that it was a business expense and not just because you thought it looked cool.

“you told me you wanted to save your money”

“it lights up tubbo and it fits the vibe of my room”

Tommy placed his arm on your head treating you as an armrest as you were shorter than him and he knew it annoyed you

“they have a point tubbo it lights up”

once the recording ended you made your way back to the car

“say y/n you wouldn’t mind if me Tommy and jack stayed the night as tomorrow we were thinking-“

“sure thing”

“YESSSSSS”

•••

the next day you were woken up at 9 am by Tommy stood at the foot of your bed

“hi y/n”

“WHAT THE FUCK- oh hi Tommy Jesus christ do you know how horrifying that was to wake up to”

“Sorry bout that but if I didn’t wake you up now you’d only wake up in the afternoon and we need to go soon I’ll leave you to get ready”

you noticed a note was next to a jumper on the floor ‘hi, thanks for letting us stay the night I really liked your hoodie so I decided to wear it today here’s mine in exchange- Tubbo :D’

normally you’d be concerned that someone stole your hoodie as you live with your parents however today was an exception once you were all ready you set off jack pulled into a McDonald's drive-through so you could all get breakfast

“nice hoodie y/n”

“Thanks, someone took mine and decided to make a trade”

“you’re welcome”

the journey was quiet again you sat next to tubbo in the back Tommy sat at the front screaming at jack and trying to distract him and people around you decided to took a picture with tubbo who now had his arm wrapped around you as it was rather cold in the car and posted it to Twitter ‘@ ranboosaysstuff wish you were here :D’ less than a minute later you received 2 notifications ‘ranboosaysstuff replied to your tweet: same’ ‘ ranboosaysstuff has tweeted: *the spongebob gif*’

•••

soon enough you all arrived at mint golf to say you we’re excited would be an understatement

“can I get the shortest club you have”

you stood hiding your face in the jumper tubbo left you whilst you laughed a few minutes later you received a call from ranboo the others said they’d sort everything for you whilst you answered

“what’s up tall one”

“stay safe okay”

“ranboo it’s mini-golf I’m not fighting criminals”

“yes but I know how clumsy you are”

“first of all rude second of all fuck you third of all jealousy isn’t a good look on you” you managed to say through laughter

“jokes aside please come to the UK boo”

“oh sure I’ll go book a plane ticket now” *ranboo ended the call*

ranboo made jokes like that before however this time sounded a lot more serious and you had no idea why he called you so you made a mental note to call him again later. once with friends again you were met with Tommy telling the worker all about you all

“yeah we’re big on the influencing”

“What on earth did I walk in on”

“no time to explain let’s go golf”

you were handed a club and a ball and were dragged away by jack

•••

tubbo joked about getting a hole on one as soon as it was his go, you bet £10 with jack he wouldn't

“hand over the money y/n”

you looked at Tommy who was now recording you handing jack the money “so today we have learnt to not underestimate your friends and that gambling is bad. you lose your money to a tall bald guy”

to put it politely you and Tommy found out that mini golf is not your calling in life

“ill stick to streaming“

“you’re both losing by the way”

“yeah well- why and how does tubbo have soup”

tubbo stood cradling the soup as though it was a child

“Some things I can’t explain to you”

you stood tilting your head to the side questioning where the hell he got soup from

“eh”

“soups like a small child I take care of it as if it was my own”

you couldn’t contain your laughter at this point the confused faces of your friends alongside tubbos happiness of soup sent you over the edge so you decided to just sit down before you fall as your knees were already weak from laughing too much

“where did you get the soup from”

“I manifested it”

•••

after a few solid minutes of arguing over soup you and Tommy dropping the phone you all continued with bowling.

“tubbo get out of the way of my dream ball”

you stood recording jack cheering him on tubbo had different plans and kicked the ball away resulting in jack giving up and copying what you had been doing most of the rounds, after missing the hole 3 times each go, picking up the ball and placing it in the hole however again he missed

“you can’t be serious”

“golf isn’t for everyone big man”

Tommy took the phone from you to record “pov you’re me golfing”

•••

“how do we get across there”

“probably the bridge”

Tommy pulled to rope moving the bridge across the gap

“Why thank you, Tommy, wouldn’t have been able to do it without you”

you laughed

“you're extremely welcome y/n it was extremely easy because I’m a big muscly man”

golf was finally going well till you hit the ball a bit too hard causing it to go over the fence tubbo was able to get the ball back

“I’ve been watching a lot of doctor shows” you stood amazed at how far you made the ball go

“see the issue is its mini golf. if this was regular golf I'd have got a hole in one I'm telling you”

•••

“I'm never being in your vlog again”

jack looked at you and tubbo who was now laughing at you pretending to worship the can of soup in the hole

“Tommy please come back”

the rest of the game was chaos, you kept missing the hole then claiming to rage quit golf tubbo and Tommy kept making jokes jack left his drink somewhere then had to go back and find it, no one had been paying attention to you which allowed you to take the score sheet and make it so you had won the game eventually he game was over you had declared yourself the champion of golf despite the fact everyone was better than you including Tommy

•••

the journey back was chaos you called ranboo who claimed he only called you to plan a video/stream with you however it was clear that wasn’t the reason tubbo whispered to you so no one could hear

“I think he wants to be here with us I think he’s jealous”

you laughed and nodded

“of course”

eventually, you all made it back to yours, ranboo said goodbye to everyone then ended the call now it was time for you to say your goodbyes. since your love language was physical touch you hugged everyone. As you walked into your house Tommy yelled “Y/N HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PLANES”

[brightlotusmoon]

I think a lot about Casey Jones as a character.

He was created to 'out-crazy' Raphael, and to be a love interest for April because they didn't want to pair her with a turtle, since they were initially asexual.

Then 2012 came along and gave us Apriltello anyway. And it was toxic for a while.

But boy did we get Casey Jones being Casey Jones.

The point is that Raph and Casey were always going to be the Violence And Anarchy Twins.

Casey Jones was literally born screaming ACAB in the 1980s. He was determined to protect The Little Guy from predatory cops and authorities just as much as from predatory street criminals.

Mirage Casey was probably the original poster child for socialist anarchist anti-establisment memes. Which is why Bayverse making him a cop wanting to be a detective was so fascinating. Was he trying to tear the institution down from the inside? I like to pretend he was.

These are different times, after all. Sure, make April a teenager and link her romantically with a painfully awkward Donatello, that'll be fun for everyone, right?

I'm not really an Apriltello fan partly because I remember when that was forbidden according to canon. But canon also did things like set up Older Leonardo with Raven Shadowhart (they had sex!!) before killing her, but that also showed that the asexual Turtles still liked sex, so hey. But also I'm not a fan because I was initially horrified about how Ciro tried to write 2012 Donnie stalking April and April stringing him along. There have been so many fan essays and videos about that. I'm glad things worked out by the finale, but… well. I mean, the turtles in every version have always had tiny crushes on April, she's their first human friend, she's their link to the human world. But 2012 made it blatant and it just felt weird. I knew it could have gone so well. Eh. I don't harass the hardcore Apriltello lovers, it's not a bother, and they enjoy it. I will say though that many of them will breathe fire at anything hinting at the ship being negative. And I hate that. That's how you get antis. Yes, it's an Archer paraphrase. And I hope they grow up one day.

Also, this is why 2012 Fix It AU fics are my favorite. April and Donnie working things out and often doing poly with Casey, Mikey being poly with Renet and Shini while Shini is with Karai, etc. Because Michelangelo and Shinigami are drift compatible.

Anyway. Casey Fucking Jones. Ultimate Chaotic Neutral Dumbass whose favorite sport is violence. Which is why he's got every stick and blunt weapon in his ubiquitous golf bag.

Including a toaster to throw at people while shouting "Give me a toaster or give me death!" - which suddenly I'm seeing as a video game.

[bau-hugs]

More Random (and unhinged) Criminal Minds Headcanons

Garcia was a band nerd in high school and probably played something like the oboe or piccolo (and she definitely chose her instrument based on which one had the weirdest name)

JJ gardens — and is vaguely terrible at it — but she always lets her little boys help and they spend her days off digging in the dirt and planting flowers (and, okay, maybe she has them pull weeds while she “supervises” but, I mean, isn’t that what kids are for?)

Gideon✞ moonlights as a mall Santa Claus during the holiday season and is consistently grumpy about it despite the fact that he chose for that to be his only hobby

Rossi is immortal — him and the queen of england are in cahoots — and that’s why the man never freaking retires (you would think he’d go play golf like a regular old person but nooooo chasing serial killers is apparently more fun)

Emily played softball in high school — while in full goth mode because she’s just iconic like that — and made a habit of kissing girls under the bleachers after practice

Hotch spends his hours ironing his clothes until there isn’t a single wrinkle in them and Jack — because he thinks his father is the absolute coolest — has a toy iron that he pretends to iron his clothes with

JJ has a country accent (because in this house we support Country Bumpkin Jennifer Jareau™) but only when she yells at her kids and to her horror, the boys pick it up and also only have an accent when they’re screaming at the top of their lungs (Will calls them hillbillies but really, that man has no right to talk)

Spencer rides a bike to get around — save the earth, be sustainable, all that — and collects hella bumper stickers to but on the thing. The bike was originally green but it’s impossible to tell now because it’s covered in so many stickers (half the stickers are obscure memes and science facts)

Clooney the Dog™ is some kind of small, fancy breed like a poodle and Derek occasionally carries him around in a bag (Clooney’s got bad arthritis but Derek still wants him to see the world and get some fresh air, okay?). He’s really defensive about his dog-purse

(maybe Spencer occasionally sticks Clooney in the basket of his bike and rides him around but Derek isn’t supposed to know about that)

Emily was notoriously terrible with kids but once JJ got pregnant, she panicked and became determined to be the best aunt ever and she bought at least 20 how-to books on parenting (Spencer and her practically formed a book club, together reading through all of the books by the time JJ’s nine months were up)

JJ is a huge soccer fan and Derek is a huge football fan and, because nobody else will watch sports with them because they get way too into it, they watch the games — and yell at the tv — together (and occasionally bicker about which sport is better)

[keen2meecha]

Monstrous Things: my camp nano project!*

*All information here is subject to change!

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Format: Third-person narrow, standalone novel

Status: We're still heavily in the feeling-things-out stage

Word Goal: 7500 by the end of April (trying to go very easy on myself this camp lmao)

Tropes: Slowburn romance, multiple queer characters, enemies to friends to lovers, found family (of monsters), gratuitous misinformation about how circuses and childcare work, no research we die like men

Warnings: Physical violence (no blood/gore/guts), traumatic backstory (is not sexual assault, but may bear similarities that people may find uncomfortable), basically if you can't watch an episode of Criminal Minds you probably should be careful with this one.

Molly Reid had an extensive bucket list -- against her therapist's advice, but what did he know? Of all the things on said list, though, working at Fairyland was not one of them. What was one, however, was having a conversation with Bigfoot. Doing it as an employee was sure to be less humiliating than buying a ticket as a single adult to a children's attraction.

Plus, twenty dollars an hour was too good too pass up, even if her schedule would be inconsistent at best. And they willing to overlook her college dropout status. But most importantly, the work uniform included a mask that would cover her mouth -- and her scars.

It was honestly the last detail that had compelled her to apply in the first place. Up until now, she'd been staying afloat as a barista. But no amount of free coffee made the stares worth it. Besides, if she had to make one more latte with so many customizations it was barely a latte anymore, she was going to scream.

So she was actually almost excited to start this new job.

Major Characters

➔ Molly Reid: Human. she/her. One the edge, swears a lot, Mommy Issues™

➔ The Dragon: Dragon. he/they. Works in Fairyland's daycare. A lovable menace with so many secrets it'll make your head spin.

➔ Benny Bigfoot: Sasquatch. he/him. Fairyland's mascot. Big dad vibes, big imposter syndrome.

➔ Pearl: Mermaid. she/her. Does visual entertainment (underwater dancing, storytimes, singing) as well as birthday parties. Keeps to herself during off-hours.

➔ Maggie: Tree nymph. she/her. In charge of mini golf and the trampoline park. Unhinged, but good at hiding it; weird girl icon.

➔ Cornelius: Satyr. Do NOT call him a faun. he/him. In charge of laser tag and go kart racing. Honestly kind of an asshole, big imposter syndrome 2 electric boogaloo.