the first one: the smile, the pink cheeks, the swoosh of hair? 100% baby boy
one clip later: reclined head, NECK?!!!? half lidded eyes - why are you looking at me like that??? the little uneven smirk and again the NECK?!??! EXPOSED ELONGATED NECK WITH FRECKLES??! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??
(sorry i don’t know how to download or screen record a video from instagram without all the icons and shit, my abilities are limited to screenshotting and freaking out about oscar)
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"it's so embarrassing you like that popular thing" "oh ew that geeky/strange thing is so cringe lol" "oh it's kind of weird you get excited about that harmless shit"
dude i love how ironic and jaded you are and that's so cool and sexy of you. and i am so so glad to tell you - you won!! we all had a meeting and we decided that you won, and we are writing your name on the inside of a burger king crown. the marker smeared, sorry, but we knew any form of real effort is ugly to you. but anyway. congrats! you are officially the coolest, most ironic, most jaded person in-the-world-right-now. we would throw you a party but you would think it was totally boring - and besides, we're weird so we wouldn't have been coming. we would have brought our love of beetles and of baking and of little canapes. we would have brought our artsy videogames and pages of writing. we would have written a poem with you, our hands covered in ink, and spread out a canvas to dance on, the night so lurid and pink.
but do not worry. we will not throw the party. we will just get you a ringlight and that crown i mentioned. it is a nice crown, except for where one of us dropped it.
the vote was a really hard one because we had so many cool ironic people to pick off the shelves. all of you have hands that rot fruit, how strange is that - you can't look at something without destroying it for other people. you like it when you can squeeze a person into a pinpoint - all us small ones scampering our little feet around our ugly joys. the vote was also a hard one because we kept our voices down because you don't like it when we talk too loud. you were on your phone at the time, talking to people other than us. you are a ghoul of every moment - half in, half out, you resent us for being here without shame or embarrassment.
so good news! we have invented an island for people like you. you get to go there and speak into the air things like if you still like watching harmless twitch streamers in 2023 you're fucking boring. you will say things like liveplay podcasts are fucking ugly and it's kind of awkward they try to make everything gay. on the island we made you, all of your words will have weight. they will form in the air like icicles, large white behemoth letters that will crumple in anvils around your feet. maybe we will send someone there once in a while to sweep, but honestly you might be there for a while, alone, waiting. we are busy being outside looking for mushrooms and flapping our hands and humming. we are busy kicking our little heels while we watch cringey tv. we are busy - sorry! as an apology, we have pre-filled the island with every bland, mediocre, unscented thing we could find. the island has the texture of american cheese. the island has an ocean that never gets angry. the island is perfect for you, trust me. you will be so happy there - as happy as you can be, ironically.
we want to say we are sorry for doing harmless things that you find annoying, childish, or unappealing - but we are not sorry. we thought we could help you, because we don't mind laughing at ourselves, but it turns out you are allergic to color and noise and atmosphere, so this is the best that we can do for now. we are all making a big shirt that says i voted in the ironic monarchy. we got you one that is just a fast fashion buttondown. i am so excited for you and this island and the big life you have won. you have a cool jaded grey life and miles of irony to roam. i love you! be well.
now leave us alone.
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Lady Gotham raises Bruce Wayne
After the tragedy that happened on that fateful night in Park Row, the Spirit of Gotham understood something.
Bruce Wayne was destined to become the Dark Knight of her City, the Protector of Gotham and all of her peoples, as well as one of the Greatest Heroes to ever exist. And to fulfill that Destiny his life would be filled with hardships and pain beyond what most Mortal men would be able to Handle.
So, she decided, "Nope. My child, my rules."
She may not be as caring or compassionate as her Sister, Metropolis, but she can still feel enough compassion to know that she doesn't want this little boy to suffer all that alone.
So she takes on a Mortal Form and crafts herself an Identity, and then gets herself Hired as the new Maid, as a partner to Alfred.
She take up a Maternal Role in Bruce's life, similar to Alfred's Paternal Role. But while Alfred starts teaching Bruce about all of his old MI6 Training, Lady Gotham starts training Bruce is more Mystical stuff.
She basically teaches him everything there is to know about Magic, everything he could possibly ever need.
She teaches him about the different monsters of the world, how they can be beaten and how they can be befriended.
She teaches him about all the different types of Magic she knows of, just so he knows what he is getting into if he ever decides to learn how to use it. Or how to counter it.
She teaches him about all the different dimensions she can think of, from the Fae Wilds to the Ghost Zone. In fact, she teaches him mostly about her own original home, the Infinite Realms.
She tells him about the history of the Realms, how they came to be and all about the beings thay reside there.
She tells him the story of Pariah Dark, the good king who fell to his own Hubris and became a tyrant.
She tells him about Clockwork, the Ghost of an Ancient Tita who now lives in search of redemption by keeping the world safe.
She tells him about the Ancients, who banded together to Seal away the Tyrant Pariah, and then split up to rule over their own Kingdoms.
And this information comes in handy when he eventually becomes the Batman. While he never did learn how to use Magic, he is still one of the most accomplished Magical Consultants in the World (Something that really ticks off a certain sad trenchcoat man). Whenever the League has an Issue with a Magical Threat, they always turn to Batman.
So Lady Gotham thinks she did her job pretty well.
And then he adopts kid...and she absolutely ADORES THEM!
Dick is so Carefree and fun! Jason was such a bookworm, even after his death and resurrection! Tim was such a smart kid, she was honestly hoping he would be chosen as the next Robin. Stephanie added a much needed air of joy to the house, for her short time with them. And Damian was such a petulant but creative child!
She absolutely loves them!
So when some crooks manage to kidnap HER Grandbabies while they are on a civilian family bonding trip to the Park, there will be Hell to Pay.
She may not be as compassionate as her sister, but she can be twice as Vengeful.
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