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thekidultlife · 4 years

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IT'S OUR 2ND ANNIVERSARY! 🎉🥳🥂

@Authors' Note: This is Leanne and Hyeri's story. Please bear with us as we try to reminisce over the past years and celebrate where we are now as writers, as friends, and most especially, as individuals who have grown a lot and changed a lot through the years.

Warnings: Contains a semi-reveal of what we actually look like in real life lol so if you’re interested, keep reading down lol.

We started this blog in 2017. We deactivated in 2018, just weeks before what was supposed to be our first anniversary. We stayed silent throughout the rest of 2018 and 2019, but we picked up where we left off this 2020. Despite the messy history of this blog, though, and the changes in our lives, we are extremely happy that we did come back. And the reason why we came back? Well, it’s pretty simple.

The same love for SEVENTEEN, which made us start this blog, brought us back again.

We’re not lying when we tell you that this blog was what made us closer and what our friendship grow deeper.

Back then, we were just classmates who found common interests in each other (history, writing novels, analyzing politics, and being one of the ‘Big 3′ in our class lol) but didn’t know how to bond over these interests. But when we both started sharing a room in a dormitory close to our university in 2017, things changed. And things changed because we both found SEVENTEEN.

LEANNE: I wasn’t really a K-pop fan during that time. But I remember sitting beside Hyeri at our study area, watching her as she watched DWC and thinking to myself, “Maybe this could be it. Maybe this could be the ‘thing’ that we could bond over and could make our friendship grow. And so I leaned over and asked, “Oooh, which group is that?” What followed then was a night where I became a convert, and SVT became a part of me forever.

After that night, we found ourselves always talking about them because they became the thread that made us close. And while bonding over SVT, we started to become more open about our lives and about ourselves in terms of personalities. We didn’t know why but we just clicked. Before we started becoming really close, we had different sets of friends. But then, we just knew that our friendship was different because we truly understand each other.

HYERI: I wasn't a Kpop stan before either. Like if my high school me knew I'd become like this, she'll cringe in embarrassment. But it happened. A friend recommended me to watch React to the K because I'm a huge classical music nut, and I discovered Seventeen there. I seriously can't remember that exact moment when Leanne asked, but I do remember that one time when I showed her the dance practice for Aju Nice. It was one of the first things I showed to her, and then without knowing, we've already watched a lot of Seventeen videos.

Whenever I look back at that time, I just remember how happy we were even though it wasn't really a good moment in our lives. There were a lot of stress and problems, and everything just seemed to spiral down from there. But I just feel a warm feeling in my chest whenever July and August comes, I smell the rain, and remember how many nights we spent binging on Seventeen, talking inside the nearby 7/11 until 1am, knowing that classes were cancelled the next day because of the weather. It was truly a magical moment for me because I never had a friend like Leanne, like sometimes we just have the same thought patterns, and we bonded over Seventeen so much. We would just talk endlessly about them, brainstorming ideas for fics and so on to the point that we only stopped because the 5AM alarm went off lmao Those times were just absolutely incredible.

LEANNE: We also have kind of the same goal back then: to have a platform where we could practice writing. Hyeri suggested that we try creating a blog for fanfiction. I agreed because I truly wanted to try and I was so obsessed with Choi Seungcheol back then. So we planned our first fics, who posts first, and we created it. Just like that. On August 12, 2017, we made our first post.

Our first name was “diabolically-diamondiferous”. We wanted something different (and we now admit that we did go overboard with the bing different thing lol) and so we agreed that this would be our URL. We chose it because of the concept that there is a duality in this blog that readers should look forward to, a dynamic that they would only see here, I guess? That was the goal. That was how it all started.

HYERI: I was a Wonwoo stan back then. I had already written Love is A Fallacy and a bit of 30 Nights before we even created the blog, and I wanted an avenue where I can post it. I admit I myself can't think of a better url than "diabolically-diamondiferous", so I just went with it.

Honestly, the blog has helped me a lot with writing. I used to write anime fanfictions and original stories, and I've already established my style back then. This blog has really helped me a lot with refining my writing style and experimenting with new ideas and ways to tell a story, as well as being able to write quickly. I do think I've improved with my dialogues and the way I pace my stories, and make them feel organic. And with that, I've never realized I've already written a lot, until I arranged the masterlist recently.

What began with a few stories turned into hundreds as we started pouring our hearts into this blog. And we would be lying if we told you that it was pressure-free.

LEANNE: During this time, my responsibilities at uni, family and other personal matters made me unable to focus on the blog a lot. I really feel sorry for Hyeri during this time because she was the one who was more consistent with posting her stories. I joke every now and then these days whenever she couldn’t write that it’s okay, you once had too much weight and now I’ll carry my share and more, too, if it gets hard for you. Even though I was busy with other things, however, Hyeri really pulled through and made this blog come alive. And as a friend, she really helped me get through my darkest moments. This blog, too, became my crutch. Whenever my heart got broken, I would write here. I would try to find my voice (and at that time, I couldn’t find myself, either. Just ask Hyeri why, lol.) in writing. I was experimenting what voice I had while writing and what genre fits me.

HYERI: Following Leanne's, I guess after our trip to Korea, things became way harder. I had a lot of low points back then as well: losing my scholarship and just so much responsibility in life and at school. I did carry much of the weight of the blog after that semester, and I'm surprised how I managed to do that. I kept on badgering Leanne to finish some requests, but she really had a lot going on as well. Not to mention our plans to join an exchange program to Korea which was another hell we signed up for. It was extra difficult because our department doesn't want us to leave, thinking we're just running away from the strict (and often unfair) professors (ironic when our major is International Relations).Seventeen and this blog was the only way we could bond together and have fun and just forget about everything. I could remember sending each other fake messages from Seventeen just to cheer the other up when things get depressing, or imagining what it would feel like to be an idol and whatnot. It sounds silly now, but that was the only way we could cope with how intense and exhausting our lives were. It was the only thing that kept the constant dread in our nerves from taking over.

What began as an experimental way to boost creativity became something like a career, and steering our motivation, was of course, the boys. Our boys. The amazing people that we write about and that we imagine about. They made us happy during the times when there was nothing to be happy about. They made us take risks that brought out the braveness we didn’t know we had in us, and they made us feel hopeful about the future.

However, we hit a hurdle we couldn’t bring ourselves back from hurdle after hurdle during our second semester as juniors in college.

LEANNE: Second semester of junior year in college was really hard for me. The bottom line of it all was the manipulative relationship that I was in with my s/o back then, but a lot of things piled up as well: school responsibilities (I was handling three classes at one point as a professor’s assistant and then ran for a student government position I didn’t really want but felt obliged to). All the while this was happening, I was really feeling myself slip away. I was suffering from depression but I had a lot of things going on around me that I could not just drop because people were depending on me. The only way I thought I would be able to not give up is by going somewhere else to finish my studies. Yes, the environment got that toxic. I really needed to get away. Around this time, I wasn’t active on the blog anymore. Right after elections, I lost my motivation to do anything. I would sometimes pitch in to help Hyeri with some requests, but it took way more effort than I thought it would.

Hyeri and I decided that we needed to take the risk of applying for the South Korean exchange program, which was one of the best that our uni had to offer. We figured that since our grades were okay, it would be easy. Boy were we wrong.

HYERI: The Coldest Human, The Warmest Robot was the last fic I've posted in the blog before the hiatus. I couldn't do it anymore. There were so many problems and issues with the exchange program that I could no longer handle the blog alone. Leanne had withdrawn too, considering how she has her own things to face as well. It was a really difficult time. After being rejected a visa, I just can't think of writing, or even Seventeen anymore. Just their presence seemed to only remind me that I had been rejected after months and months of preparation. Their songs only reminded me of our disappointments. It was awful and I knew I can't face them at that time. I found myself in Taiwan. Alone. Leanne had stayed and it was depressing. I had to move on despite that, but it felt like an empty success.

We planned to become a part of an exchange program in South Korea, but it didn’t pull through at the last minute. We had staked all our bets, and we lost motivation in a lot of things. One of those things was this blog. We just knew that we had to let it go during 2018, because it was impossible to maintain it when you don’t feel inspired about life anymore.

LEANNE: I was miserable during first semester as a senior because everything did not go as planned. I was really losing the resolve to keep going on because nothing had gone the way I had planned it to be. I think the only silver lining during 2018 was that my parents and friends finally stepped in to protect me from the person who had been harming me emotionally and therefore affecting my self-esteem and resolve. We also went to Macau, where I really healed a lot as well while teaching music with close friends from church. But beyond that, I could see no other way to get through the last semester except to follow Hyeri and go to Taiwan. It wasn’t just her friendship that I was missing; it was also about that goal I had in my mind: to find peace and quiet away from everything that had hurt me and drained me.

We didn’t have any high hopes about what lay ahead, but the biggest plot twist came.

LEANNE: By some miracle, I managed to convince my parents that I was well enough to go to Taiwan and that I would be safer there. It all happened so fast. February I was still crying, standing at the train tracks, telling our other friend that I wanted to just end it. But then March came and my visa got approved on a Friday. Three days later, just packing whatever I had with me in my apartment, I left for Taiwan.

It was a miracle Hyeri and I still talk about a lot. We started to heal from everything that we had gone through. We started to re-explore our friendship and in the end, after so much drama and after so much challenges, we finally concluded that this friendship of ours was really something that we wanted to keep forever. We grew a lot through the years.

HYERI: Who would've thought that with a lot of begging and pleading and praying, Leanne was finally able to go to Taiwan. I was so happy. It was one of the happiest memories of my life so far. Being in Taiwan, away from the world, from the responsibilities back at home, it was such a liberating time.It was also the exact period which we started to heal from past disappointments. Seventeen no longer gave me the pain I used to feel, and to this day, You Made My Day---the album which was released before everything happened, and reminded me a lot of what had transpired---is one of my favourite Seventeen albums.

But here we are now, in 2020. It was really because of Hit the Road that we decided to come back. We agreed to start writing again come June 2020. We started doing what we loved again.

HYERI: We had fully healed from everything and we're fully ready to come back to writing about our precious boys! I am so happy to be able to finally celebrate the actual anniversary for this blog!

LEANNE: And now, here we are, celebrating our anniversary! The first one we really had! This is all impromptu editing but we really wanted to make it special.

Highlights Throughout the Years:

💎 Love is A Fallacy (Lawyer!Wonwoo)

The first ever fic I've written for SVT. I remember I wrote this while I was at the dorm on my bed, it was a miraculously stress-free night. The song I kept on playing was "20" and I could imagine it being the OST if this was a kdrama 😂 This was at a time when Wonwoo was still my bias.

💎Adagio Cantabile (College Student!Jihoon)

A fic I first wrote after Jihoon became my bias. I could still remember, I was so inspired by a fic titled Customer Satisfaction, that I wrote this one. Plus I'm really into Classical Music, that I could just write one whole fic about it. I'm still amazed how we were able to write fanfiction even though we were swamped with school work, and I mean, SWAMPED, like a lot of exams, graded recitation, things to memorize, super long essays, but we still managed to write. 😂

💎Saffron (Victorian AU DK)

This was written shortly after Leanne and I went back from Korea. I was so blissfully happy back then. I think I've spent a night or two writing this. This was heavily inspired by the game "Chocolatier" which I was playing days before I've started writing 😂 I really love writing for DK, he's such a positively innocent character who was so endearing.

💎The Coldest Human; Warmest Robot (Android!Jihoon)

This was probably the last one shot I've posted before the hiatus in 2018. I remember finishing it in my hometown when we went there for summer vacation. It was a really bad time ngl I lost my scholarship and was supposed to go to an exchange program to South Korea with Leanne. Back I didn't know if I could support that dream financially.

💎The Most Convenient Escape (Soulmate!Jihoon)

This was the first fic I've written after the hiatus. Truthfully, over 2018-2019, I lost my love for SVT. It was painful to be reminded of the fact that we weren't able to go to Korea, so I avoided them while I was in Taiwan. But I came back around this year and started to write this one. It's heavily inspired by the book "Voices of the Past" which is a compilation of American newspaper articles over the years, and anime reviews which talked about Deconstructing a genre (i.e., Madoka Magica and Evangelion). Right now I really do want to finish this series.

Highlights Throughout the Years

💎The Return of Superman Series

My first work, TROS Seungcheol, was the first fic in the entire blog that I was truly proud of. All my other works were too rushed, too experimental for my own taste even, and just doesn’t look like what I, Leanne, if you personally know me, would write about. I strongly believe that there is a unique voice in each story, a voice that belongs only to its writer, and back then, I was still trying to find that voice. The Return of Superman was my breakthrough in writing. I suddenly found an AU that I truly loved to write about, and, most importantly, my voice in writing.

💎After-Party, Only Us, and Afterglow | Yoon Jeonghan

This is the spin-off series that came from Yoon Jeonghan’s The Return of Superman. I started to become more comfortable in my style of writing as I wrote these. You will notice a change of style after the first part, “After-Party”. My writing style has matured, and I really congratulate myself a lot for that. It took me years and tons of experiences to get that flavor I had always wanted in my works! Haha.

💎The And Series

This is another one of those imagines that really brought out the hopeless romantic inside me, and for that, I am proud of it. It’s still mostly in the works, but I am really happy about how it’s turning out.

💎Through the Seasons Series

Ah, this is my pet project. All my heart is poured into this one. This is the first series that I truly explored the beauty of love in realistic settings. My writing process here is done by looking at real couples LOL and also tapping into beautiful memories of mine about love and about life and all the drama that comes along. I’m really glad that a lot of our new readers liked the first one that came out!

Our story-time ends here.

All in all, we just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. For being with us through this crazy ride of a blog, truly, sincerely, thank you. From our followers since the beginning, to the new ones that we are finding joy in communicating with now, thank you. From the bottom of our hearts!

LET’S MAKE MORE MEMORIES TOGETHER!

- Leanne and Hyeri.

#HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!#Leanne and Hyeri #thekidultlife

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littleredwritinghat · 4 years

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I recently had a family friend tell me about her teenage son and his depression, how she is struggling to help him, and what the experience has been like overall. Since then, I've been thinking about my own experiences with my depression and those of people I know. After talking with this friend, it made me realize that, despite the increased acknowledgement of, and support for those who have depression, there are still a lot of misconceptions about it. So I wanted to share some of the things I have learned/realized over the years, and I hope it will help those who have depression, or those with loved ones that have it. So, here it goes:

The (Full) Truth About Depression

1. Although it is probably glaringly obvious, depression is a chronic illness, meaning I, and everyone else diagnosed, will have it for LIFE.

1.5. (This also means that even though I am on medication and have been to therapy, I am not magically cured.)

1.75. (It also means that just because I have the resources/treatments/skills to cope with it, I won't ever struggle. Generally, yes, I do handle it better, but there are still times I struggle, and it doesn't mean it's automatically easier to deal with.)

2. Just because I have depression, it does not mean I'm not ever allowed to be happy. Despite having it, I generally consider myself to be a happy person. I love to laugh and joke around with my friends and family. I don't just sit in my room all the time, crying, feeling sorry for myself. That being said, I do still actually have it, just because I am happy.

2.5. This also means that people with depression are still allowed to be sad. There is a common misunderstanding that if someone is sad, especially those with depression, they immediately need to cheer up. We are allowed to feel what we feel. Coping with depression does not mean ignoring depression. Plus, sadness is a literal human emotion. People don't expect happy people to be happy 24/7.

2.75. In order to cope with my depression, I need to think more positive thoughts. I'm not saying I have to be a super serious pessimistic person, but I can be realistic. For example, if my house burned down, I can try to be positive by saying that I'm blessed to still be alive, and that it could be worse. However, I can also still acknowledge that it's a really sucky situation.

3. Depression is not just a chemical imbalance, or due to tragic/unfortunate circumstances, such as the loss of a loved one. Granted, those definitely can be a significant cause of depression, but they aren't always the ONLY reason for depression. A lot of it has to do with the way a depressed person thinks. (It actually has a lot to do with how we learn, especially language and meaning).

Let me clarify it this way: I have thoughts that I am worthless. Now, when I first went to therapy, people tried to tell me to replace my negative thought with positive ones, or tell myself the opposite thing. (I am worthless ➡️ I am good at English, I am a good friend, etc.; I am worthless ➡️ I am not worthless/I am worth something.) Now let me tell you the problem with that, just because I replace it with a positive thought or say the opposite, doesn't mean that I believe it. It also doesn't mean that just because I talk to someone about how I feel that way, that I will never feel that way again. Nor does it mean that if someone tells me,, "Hey, you're not worthless!" I will automatically feel worth something. I may temporarily feel better, but it is not a fixed problem. What I was later taught in therapy, (thank you DBT!!!! It is definitely worth looking into because it is super effective and I could go on about how great it is forever), is a) to acknowledge my thought/feeling [I am worthless], b) to accept my thought/feeling [It is okay that I think to think/feel I am worthless. I am allowed to feel that way] change my way of thinking/perspective, c) to not dwell on it [I don't have to keep thinking over and over again I am worthless. I can let go of the thought/feeling. I am not required to stay here], and d) to subtly change my thinking/perspective [I feel/believe that I am worthless, but that does not mean I actually AM worthless. I may temporarily feel worthless, but I will not always feel this way]. A LOT of people, unfortunately, make the same mistakes in their thinking, because it is how we have learned/been trained to do so.

4. I am allowed to be depressed. For several years, I thought because my life was good, (loving family, good home, well-provided for, good friends, etc.), I wasn't allowed to be depressed. I thought I had no "good" reason to feel that way, (I hadn't lost a loved one, I wasn't in a dangerous/bad situation, I wasn't a social outcast, etc.) I kept telling myself that my life could be so much worse, that there were people out there who did have it worse, and that feeling depressed meant I was ungrateful and weak, that I had no right to feel the way I did. That is NOT true. Everyone, every single person, is allowed to feel the way they do. It's not always something they can control. No one has to have a "good" reason to be depressed. If I had broken my arm skateboarding, and someone else had broken it in a car accident, the doctor wouldn't tell me that I wasn't allowed to feel pain because I broke my arm doing something fun while the other person had been in a worse situation. My arm is still broken, therefore, I am allowed to feel the pain.

5. Just because I have depression, it does not mean I have suicidal thoughts, nor do I self-harm. It is common for those to accompany depression, but those with depression don't always have those symptoms.

6. Just because I have depression, does not mean I feel sad. Depression can come in many forms.

Sometimes it means that I don't feel anything at all. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm just numb.

Sometimes I just feel tired. Getting out of bed in the morning, doing my regular activities (like going to school/work) or things I enjoy (reading, writing, watching a favorite TV show) just feel daunting and exhausting. Life itself just seems like too much work.

Sometimes it disguises itself as anger. I think that life is unfair: Why did I get depression? Why don't I deserve happiness? Is it really to much to ask, after all the effort I have put in, that I can have even a little bit of joy or a break in my life?

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed, like I have so much to do and things I want to accomplish that I will never be able to do it all, or that I have more problems than I can effectively deal with at the time.

It can also be the traditional low self-esteem and feelings of despair and hopelessness.

7. Depression is not who I am. I have depression, but I am not depression. When I qas first diagnosed, I got so caught up in it that it became the hallmark of my personality, the very essence of who I am. Suddenly my hobbies, traits, and personality no longer mattered. My life was completely consumed by depression. I slowly learned that while I do have a mental illness, it is just like any other. There is SO much more to me than my illness, and it does not define who I am.

8. I am not crazy. Just because I don't always think or feel the way an "average" or "normal" person does, does not mean I am insane, perpetually irrational, and/or not worthy of regular social interaction, positive relationships, and a fulfilling, meaningful life just like everyone else. At first, I was so scared and ashamed for people to know that I had a mental illness, that I needed medication and therapy to help regulate it. However, again, I came to realize, it is just like any other illness. Just because a person has cancer, does not mean they are suddenly a freak, nor does it mean they should feel ashamed for having it or seeking help.

9. Life goes on. If you seek help and treatment, you CAN manage your depression. It does not have to limit the things you can do, or the life you can have. You may have to be a little more creative or tenacious at times, but you are still capable of living your life to the fullest.

Again, I hope this helps. I know it has really benefited me just talking about my experiences and reminding myself of the things I've learned. (And congratulations if you have made it through my incredibly long monologue. You are a real champ!) Stay classy, my friends!

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buckybabybaby · 5 years

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Mr Hollywood (Chapter 10)

Summary: Bucky Barnes, an underpaid teaching assistant in a small English village, dreams of a movie career back in his home country of America. He finally gets the break he's always wanted, and if it wasn't for you, his best friend, he wouldn't have been able to take it.

But is that fact enough to save your friendship when it's tested by the pressures of Hollywood?

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader (Gender Neutral)

Word count: 1929

Chapter summary: chapter 10 - double figures! And Bucky finally explains himself.

Warnings: One swear word. Some angst.

A/N: this is 6 days late and I'm so sorry :( Hopefully a few people still remember what’s happened nearly two weeks later...!

Previous: Chapter 9

Mr Hollywood Masterlist | Main Masterlist

*****

“Do I need to remind you of the no alcohol on school premises rule? Even fancy Hollywood types like you aren't exempt.”

You announce your presence a couple of meters away from Bucky's shadowy form, not wanting to get too close in case his flight or fight response results in a fist to your face. He still jumps, understandably, it is three in the morning inside a locked playground after all. The chains of the swing clank together as he twists in his seat to face you, and you maintain eye contact, acting braver than you're feeling, aware that there's no running away.

He's gaping at you in an almost comical way. You feel bad for giving him such a fright, but a minuscule part of you is pleased, wanting to hurt him like he hurt you.

“What are you doing here?” His voice is strained.

“I could ask you the same.” You gesture at the bottle he's clasping. “What's that? Didn't think you liked wine much.”

“Oh, no.” He offers it towards you, dropping his arm when you scrunch your nose up, baffled. “It's the apple juice we made last year.”

A hundred bitter-sweet memories flash through your head as he says that, of golden leaves, laden branches hanging low over the lawn, and you and Bucky splashing each other with the hosepipe meant to rinse the fruit. It also reminds you that you never gave him this years efforts, not having the time at Christmas with his flying visit. The glass has long since been forgotten to collect dust.

You move to take the swing next to his, and for a long moment you sit silently together, listening to the branches creek in the wind.

Eventually he turns to you. “Can I talk to you now?”

Arching an eyebrow in permission, you wait for him to continue. As he gathers his thoughts, his gaze flits across your face, over your hair, down to your shoes, raising half a smile at the mud covered wellington's.

You can't have him laughing at you. “Don't even think about being disrespectful about my choice of footwear. I was not dealing with laces at three in the morning.”

He snorts. “Fuck, I've missed you.”

That was unexpected. “I thought I was pathetically clingy?”

His smile drops. “Probably help if I apologised.”

“Probably.”

“Definitely.” He fidgets before continuing. “There's so much I need to say, I don't know where to start. You deserve a proper explanation, a proper apology, but my heads still so over the place.”

“Don't worry about any of that. I just want to know why you hate me so much.”

“I don't hate you at all!”

“Sure got a funny way of showing that.”

His grip on the chains tightens, trying to catch your eye. “Y/N, please. I didn't mean any of what I said.”

“Then why?”

He doesn't answer immediately, pushing his feet into the soft rubber flooring as he swallows, emitting a small noise not unlike a whimper.

“I suppose it's okay to tell you, it'll be in the news soon enough.”

You're intrigued, confused and worried all at once. “What will?”

Taking a deep breath, he glances away as he begins to speak.

“I thought I was going to live my dream when I got this job. And I was, for the first weeks and months. It was going so well, how could it not? Especially when I was working alongside people like Sam Wilson, you know how much I admire him.”

You fight off a smirk. He's making it easy to fall back into the familiar playful ways, but you need to hear him out before you start showing any cracks in your armour.

“Coming back at Christmas was when it started to go wrong. That was when I realised that maybe I had everything I wanted when I was still here. It was hard to be reminded of my old life and everything I missed when I was severely sleep deprived and nearly losing hair to the stress my directer was putting me through.”

“We wrapped in early spring, then it was just voice-over work. I didn't have to be on set every day and I came back here straight away, needing a break from it all. Then I all but knocked you over outside the shop and just snapped.”

“I wasn't coping and all I could think about is how I wouldn't have even been in this position had it not been for you. As stupid as it sounds, I blamed you for the shit I'd found myself in, for pushing me to go.”

“That doesn't exactly explain-”

“I know. I'm getting there.” You keep quiet and let him talk. “Once it was confirmed the show would get a prime time slot, it all got real. Suddenly all the 'unknowns' like me had dollar signs hanging over our heads. Representatives knew we'd be bringing in money now, and fresh faces attract sponsorships if you work it right. My agent was not the sort to know that though, or anything useful really. Other managers would do a much better job, I wouldn't have chosen him if I had a choice, he was just assigned to me at the start and I hadn't had the chance to do anything about it until then. I hadn't signed any extension contracts yet and he wasn't pleased. So he tried to keep me in his collection.”

“Collection? Eww.”

“Yep. He didn't want to lose me, and so he started with the threats.”

“What do you mean by threats?”

“Dayton's got his own security, even now, and couldn't be touched, so he threatened you. Said he had people close by who could get to you if I didn't do as I was told.”

“What the hell?” You hiss. Your brain can't keep up. “I never...” Thinking back over the last few months, you can't recall ever feeling unsafe or watched in any way.

“No, you wouldn't have. He probably wouldn't have ever done anything but I couldn't take that chance, not when he hinted at links to the Mafia. I just wanted you safe, and the only way I could see that happening was if I made it so you never wanted to see me again. If you weren't even my friend that dick couldn't hold anything over you. That way we'd both be happy. Happy-ish.”

His eyes are glassy as he looks over at you. You're finding it hard to take it all in, trying to find the correct response.

You start with a question. “You said you could tell me 'cos it'll be in the news. Why is that?”

He blows out a breath. “Dayton. Soon as he realised something was wrong he was straight on a plane to force it out of me. He must have got a private detective or something on the case because a few days later my agent was arrested. Turns out he wasn't just awful at his job, he was also involved with manipulating young girls into seedy parties. You don't want to know,” His haunted look proves his statement. “All that matters is he's in custody now. Definitely a prison sentence, a long one hopefully.”

“Day got me a good lawyer too. My names not going to be involved in any way. I didn't know any of that stuff was going on, you have to know that. And there's more than enough evidence without me taking the stand as a witness anyway.”

He seems to have come to the end and you sit wordlessly together again. It's too early in the morning for you to process what he's said, leading to you blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

“You do realise this sounds like you made it up, right? I'm having trouble believing such an improbable seeming story.”

“I wish I was making it up. I'm not surprised you don't think I'm telling the truth, what with the way I've acted, but when you see it on the news you'll know.” He laughs humourlessly. “Not exactly how I wanted to start my career.”

You bet. “You still didn't have to be so mean to me that night.”

“I know.”

“The Bucky I knew wouldn't have talked to me like that.”

“I know. I wasn't myself at all and I can only apologise. It hasn't been a fun couple of months but it's over now. I promise no matter what happens I won't let it involve you again.” He sighs. “It's not worth it if I lose you along the way.”

“You haven't lost me Bucky,” You whisper, meaning it.

You share a tearful look which says more than words ever could. However strong you told yourself to be, he's always been your weakness, and time hasn't changed that. As you stare at each other, you can see he's telling the truth, and now you've got to work out how you move forward together.

The moment is brought to an end as you shiver, a particularly strong gust lifting the ends of your hair.

“I should walk you home before you freeze to death in your pyjamas,” He teases.

“Hey! My pyjamas are cute.”

“Never said they weren't.”

He smiles softly, standing up and offering you a hand. You take it, the warm skin against yours so familiar you pull away as soon as you're stood, too many emotions flowing through you at the slightest touch.

Following his lead back across the playground and into the lane, a comfortable silence surrounds you, almost like all those times you'd make your way home together when he lived just a few streets down from you. Almost.

Bucky opens your gate for you, and comes to a stop outside your front door, hesitating before patting you gently on the shoulder. Turning around, he walks slowly back up the front path, and you can't just let him leave. Not again.

The hurt is still there but tonight’s revelations have changed everything and the chance of having him back in your life is all you can think of.

“Bucky!”

He whips back round. “Yeah?”

“It's half-term next week. It you're still around, maybe we could do something?

“Really?” You nod. “Yes. Definitely! We have to wait and see if we're recommissioned, so I was just going to hang around for a while. You can text me when you're free.” He fishes for his phone in his jeans. “I've got a new number, let me give it to you.”

“Mines upstairs, wait a minute.”

You rush up to your bedroom, shaking your head at Bucky's incredulous, “Seriously, who goes anywhere without a mobile these days?” Floating up after you.

Coming back down, you open up your contacts so he can add himself. “Not everyone has Sam Wilson on speed dial like you,” You counter, causing Bucky to blush. “Oh my gosh, you do! Which number is he? One?”

“All right, that's enough.”

You grin at him, a real smile, and his face is similarly bright as he hands back your phone and steps away.

“I'm glad we ran into each other Y/N. Even at such an unsocial hour.”

“So am I. Hey, have you got somewhere to stay tonight? Or do you want to-”

“I'm good, don't worry.” He pauses at the end of the garden. “See you soon, hopefully.”

This time you let him leave, and as you climb up to bed again, it feels as though a great weight has been lifted and a peaceful nights sleep is within reach once more.

*****

Chapter 11

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagine #buckybabybaby #Mr Hollywood

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dukeofriven · 5 years

Text

Let Boys Love Girl Things

For a deeply depressed, angry, and vitriolic bisexual 20-something who stumbled out of a toxic 2-year intensive college program confused as fuck about his gender and hurting everyone around him, it is with no exaggeration that I say My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic’s low-key stakes, warmth, humour, kindness, and utter lack of cynical irony was my first step on the road not only to recovery but coming even sort of close to having an accord with my identity. So I quite frankly I am exhausted that I have spent nine years being judged on the behaviour of a fandom group from 4chan. Nine years ago there was a gross perpetuation of toxic masculinity where men were ridiculed en-masse for liking a “girl’s show,” a campaign of derision that only intensified as the worst elements of 4chan gave everyone the evidence they seemed to want to justify their snap-judgement that boys liking girls shows was fundamentally weird, gross, and worthy of censure. We like to clap ourselves on the back for how woke we are now. There’s no discourse that says it is “skeevy” that men enjoy She-Ra, and petulant MRAs on Reddit getting upset about the show’s new ‘feminist’ agenda is considered to be representative of nothing other than petulant MRAs on Reddit, not the She-Ra fandom as a whole. Steven Universe is triumphed everywhere as a victory for better masculinity - without anyone ever noting that Steven would love every single moment of My Little Pony: FiM. He’d cry at the wedding, and he’d weep at the destruction of the library, and he’d think the Storm King was an effective villain while Connie rolled her eyes and tried and failed to point-out the weak characterization. Steven would cheer and cry every time a villain was redeemed through the power of love and friendship. Because he’s Steven, and he loves schmaltz, and it’s okay for a boy to like schmaltz. If we truly believe that, as we say we do, it’s time let the habit of shaming boys who liked a cartoon show go. It’s been a decade. Yes: MLP: FiM had a disgusting contingent of its fandom. You know what other franchise has that problem? A little film series you might have heard of called Star Wars. A contingent of Star Wars fandom was so racist it drove actors of colour off of twitter because it piled hate upon them. It was so misogynistic that somebody out there recut the entirety of The Last Jedi so that men save the day and all the women get reduced to bit parts. And yet if I see a Star Wars avatar my first assumption generally isn’t “oh you like Star Wars, so you must therefore be a misogynistic racist.” Because statistically speaking, you aren’t - just like, statistically speaking, the men who liked My Little Pony weren’t 4chan users. Not that most people bothered to find that out, because - shockingly - the worst elements had loud voices and got all the press, and the standard we applied to them was so entrenched in patriarchy that none of us wanted to accept that men could like the girls show without it being some gross violation of the proper order. I’m tired of that. The show’s been on nine years - long enough that kids who grew up watching it are old enough to start entering “The Discourse Space,” and what kind of example do we want to set for them that a show that might have meant so much to them growing up is given a defacto label of deviancy? ”Adult males like this show about the little kiddie ponies - that’s so creepy.” There’s a point I want to make here that I think really needs to be said so I am going to make it large

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a show for children; it is not a show about children.

What do I mean by this? Adventure Time is the story of Finn, a 12-year-old. Steven Universe is a show about Steven Universe, a 12-year-old. Ok K.O. is a show about K.O. a 6-11 year-old. Avatar: The Last Airbender is about a group of kids aged 11-14. She-Ra is a show about Adora who is… 16-ish? 17? And so on.

MLP:FiM is a show about 20-somethings. It’s a show about a grad student, a small business owner, a baker, a farmer, an environmental technician, a… trust fund baby?*... and, later, a former dictator. Yes, there are some kid characters, but the primary cast are all young adults who’ve reached adulthood and found themselves having to learn over and over again all sorts of shit they really ought to have known by now but don’t. It is, in short, a story about Millennials: an entire generation who reached adulthood not knowing what that meant or how to cope. Every time you laugh at the characters and go “how do they not know this [obvious thing that is obvious to adults]” you do so while watching a children’s cartoon rather than paying your taxes because you’re still not sure how to do that properly and are just low-key freaking out about it and hoping the problem goes away on its own. I speak from experience. The list in endless: we might ridicule the ponies ignorance at social graces, but i’ve been on this hellsite long enough that I’m pretty sure most of you are social-anxious neurotics who cock-up just as often and just as spectacularly as any pony on the show.

I’ve grown up in-sync with these characters. I’ve seen them go from floundering at 20 to sorta getting their act together and coming to grips with adult life as they reach 30. I’ve seen them become successful, get new jobs, start new careers. There have been episodes about how to deal with parents who embarrass you, how to get your parents to understand that you’re an adult now and want to be treated that way. There str stories about how to handle deadbeat older brothers who won’t stop mooching off your emotional labour, and how to mourn parents who’ve died. There are also stories about the byzantine nature of school regulation. (If next season is all about Twilight Sparkle reforming the Equestrian tax code it will be entirely in keeping with the adult-life-trend the show has been on for a while.)

My point with all this is that the “liking the kid’s show” narrative is disingenuous in the way it frames fans as creepy. To get tu quoque about it all I could raise my hand and point at all you adults gushing about all these kid protagonists in your favourite cartoon shows and go “Isn’t that CREEPY and GROSS you DEVIANTS” and on and on and on.

But I won’t.

Because it was never really about that, was it? It’s never been about that.

It was, at first, about what it was and wasn’t okay for boys - for men - to like. As a kid who’d been mercilessly bullied for being even the tiniest bit effeminate, openly embracing the fact that I liked this show about the colourful cartoon ponies felt like painting a target on my back. As for the boys younger than me - the boys still in high school in 2010 and 2011 who openly embraced this show? Braver than any US marine. When this all started it was about policing what was ‘appropriate’ for boys - nobody gave the adult Transformers fandom the same kind of shit, I assure you. It was about patriarchy - and how unwilling we all were to let go of it, no matter how progressive we told ourselves we were. Just like any moral panic, it developed a far more disturbing tone of disapprobation because if a handful of fans on 4chan were creepy than surely all the fandom was creepy. I’ve had plenty of fun mail in my inbox as people with cartoon avatars told me my opinion was invalid because I had an avatar from a different cartoon show. If I had an MP avatar that made me a “brony,” which made me a creepy MRA edgelord. Never mind that I don’t even use the term, and haven’t since… well, since the grossest elements of 4chan got it tattooed on their phalluses and trumpeted it to the heavens as the calling card of their misogyny.

There was a moment, I think, back in the halcyon days of 2010 and 2011 where we could have taken this another way. Where, socially, the rise of boys watching ‘the girl’s show’ was treated as a breakthrough, as a paradigm shift, as something to be celebrated and nurtured instead of something to revile like an anti-homosexual PSA from the 1950s. “Can’t let the adult men near that children’s show, who knows what might happen. They might repeat the trends that all fandoms have done for decades upon decades - the horror!”

We could have been better - but we weren’t. We mocked, and clutched our pearls, and looked appalled, and in doing so we fed the trolls all the ammunition they’d ever need to turn themselves into The Poor Oppressed Babies who just wanted to be left alone to watch their ponies and belittle women in peace. So the gender-questioning bi boy trying to feel good about himself got rounded-up with the usual 4chan suspects because we both enjoyed the same television program.

Patriarchy is not an external force with its boot upon our necks: it is a collaborative social effort, reinforced both consciously and sub-consciously every day. The internet of the early 2010s was a very different place, and the decisions we made then still live with us today. If we want to stop the perpetuation of toxic masculinity, we have to ourselves cease to perpetuate it. There’s an entire generation of queer boys and non-binary boys and non-bro cis-boys - the kind who cry and care and give a shit about kindness - who have grown up on Steven Universe and Adventure Time and yes, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. These are boys who deserve to have a better place prepared for them than I had, one that isn’t still littered by the baggage of all the dumb stupid crap from 2010 and 2011.

It’s time to let the ghost of Toxic 4chan Fandoms Past go already, and let this show about cartoon ponies be free to entertain and delight without incurring a moral inquisition. Life is so bad right now, the news is so dire. Curl up with My Little pony: Friendship is Magic and let all its goodness, and kindness, and laughter, and caring carry you away and remind you that we can still tell stories about worlds in which those virtues are treasured. Let the show stand on its actual merits, and not the cultural lodestones of long-gone reprobates. And stop granting the phantoms of 4chan the power to say anything meaningful in 2019.

_________________ *Serious question: what does Fluttershy do for a living? Like, as her job? For most of the series? She’s the only one who doesn’t have a meaningful career, and after meeting her enabling parents you just know she’s been living off pre-existing savings for years (she’s thrifty like that).

[Note: this post was originally posted in this thread. It has since been re-edited and slightly modified.]

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readyplayerhobi · 6 years

Text

Starfire | 03

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Sci-fi, Angst, fluff, eventual smut

; Word Count: 8.7k

; Synopsis: The schism that broke the galaxy began, as it usually does, over a disagreement. The resultant civil war has raged for hundreds of years. When a ragtag group of travellers discovers something that could turn the tide of war, for good or for worse, the bonds of friendship and love will be tested.

Previous Chapter ; Next Chapter

; A/N: For the probably 10 people who have been looking forward to this, I hope you enjoy it! For any newbies...I hope you enjoy it too. Still so easy and fun to write!

Silence takes over the bridge as everyone suddenly stares at Jungkook, his brown eyes widening in panic as he points a shaky finger to himself. “No, no you’re wrong. I’m just...I’m just Jungkook.” The space between his brows suddenly creases and your stomach turns slightly at how lifelike that looks. “Right? I’m human...you said I was human?”

He’s turning his wrists over now, staring at the golden skin that has a pale tone to it under the harsh ship lights. His fingers flex slowly and everyone watches as tendons move beneath his skin, veins bulging and prominent.

“Jisoo...are you sure?” Yoongi asks, running a lazy eye over the young man. Just as Jisoo opens her mouth, darker pink lips surrounded by smooth hot pink skin, Jimin suddenly moves in a burst of speed that has you blinking.

The black clad man moves with all the speed a Mutanis has been graced with, and yet he’s pulled to a stop when Jungkook’s hand is suddenly grabbing onto his arm tightly. Jimin’s eyes widen ever so slightly before his plush lips turn up in an amused smirk.

Even from here, you can see the way that Jimin’s biceps bulge slightly as he pushes with far more strength than a human is capable of. Yet Jungkook doesn’t move an inch, his arms not even quivering under the effort.

Relenting, Jimin pulls his arms back and twirls the silver blade in his fingers slowly. The same knife that had been in his arm and you presume, aimed at some non-vital part of Jungkook. Letting out a low chuckle that has the hair on your arms raising, Jimin slowly strides back to his previous spot and leans back against the wall.

“Oh he’s not human. Not one of you could have seen me and responded that quickly. Nor are any of you strong enough to stop me. Humans in particular are not equipped to go up against a Mutanis. Him?” He points at Jungkook with the sharp end of his blade. “I wasn’t getting through to him, no way. He’s not human.”

The soft hum of the engine and quiet beeping of the monitors is all that can be heard for a few moments as everyone takes this in. A shudder through Hoseok’s body has you looking back down at him though, taking in the slack jaw and small amount of bubbling saliva that has begun to spill out of his mouth.

Immediately you’re frustrated and annoyed, the medical scanner in your hands reporting that he’s suffering a high heart rate along with unbelievable blood pressure. Rooting through the medical bag, you pull out the only thing that can help him. Turning on the device, it connects to the scanner and you watch as it immediately starts to generate the chemical solution that will help Hoseok best.

Once the red light turns green, you press the device to the artery on his neck and wait a few seconds until the injector has released the contents and allows you to remove it. Almost immediately the scanner reports his heart rate slowing down but there’s a whole host of things it’s telling you that you don’t understand.

Despair crawls up your throat as you desperately wish the Starfire had a top of the range medical bed. They were far out of the budget of this tiny runner, but one of those would be able to monitor him and continuously inject the necessary medication when needed.

“Can we figure out whether or not Jungkook is an android or an AI or a what-the-fuck-ever later please? Hoseok is...Hoseok...I need to…” You’re not entirely sure what you��re trying to say but you give up, letting the tears close up your throat as you run your fingers through his soft black hair.

A gentle hand on your shoulder distracts you from the negative thought spiral you’d been sinking down and you blink up between tears to see Rose kneeling next to you. Her lustrous skin shimmers in soft pinks and blues as her hair and eyes practically glowed a pastel purple. Worry.

Namjoon shakes his head suddenly, breaking himself out of the stupor he’d been in and strides over to you, crouching down and resting a hand on Hoseok’s forehead. “Yeah, yeah of course. What’s his vitals?” Your captain asks, dragging his eyes away from Jungkook to pick up the scanner and read the output.

“I...I don’t know. He’s not convulsing anymore but he...I don’t think he’s okay.” The words whisper out of you, trembling slightly as your throat tightens with emotion. There’s no smart ass words from you now, not when your stomach is sick with fear for the man you love.

Nodding, Namjoon gestures towards Jimin. “Can you take him to his room?” There’s a moment where Jimin pauses, mouth opening to probably complain about being treated like a labourer but his eyes flicker down to Hoseok’s prone position and he simply nods.

Walking over, the Mutanis slides his arms underneath Hoseok and lifts with ease. It’s when Jimin does things like this that make you realise just how strong he really is, as not a hint of strain shows on his statuesque features.

As you go to open the door lock for Jimin, Namjoon’s hand catches your arm and tugs you to a brief stop. A crease on his brow let’s you see the stress and tension he’s holding and his mouth flattens out briefly. “I know you’re hurting, but I need my XO here. Get him settled, Rose can keep watch over him for you,” He glances over at Rose who nods, skin glittering at the movement. “This is big and I need you. I know he needs you too, but I need you to do your job.”

A big part of you wants to tell him to fuck off, that Hoseok deserves your care and attention given he’d just almost died for you all, but the logical side of your brain that got you the XO position in the first place kicks in. He’s right, whatever this situation you’ve all blindly walked into is huge and you can’t let Namjoon try and solve it himself.

Swallowing thickly and licking your lips briefly, you nod to him before unlocking the door. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Get everyone into the break room and we’ll...figure this shit out. This heaping, pile of ‘I’m-really-not-qualified-for-galactic-war’ shit.” You sigh heavily. The small moment of brevity causes Namjoon’s lips to twist up into what could almost be described as a smile.

“You and me both.” He mutters, letting go of your arm and waving you off.

Jimin has already left the bridge, striding through the narrow corridors of the Starfire towards Hoseok’s small living quarters. While the ship could hold a full crew of 15, it got a little crowded with that many people in it. There was enough space for everyone, but the larger living spaces were reserved for the captain and XO.

Jin and Jisoo had done some DIY engineering to combine their bedrooms together, removing a non-supporting wall to create a space twice as big to cope with them both. But everyone else had the bog standard quarters, Hoseok included.

Rose’s soft, warm fingers grasp yours momentarily as she squeezes in reassurance, giving you a gentle smile while her hair and eyes ripple with yellow for a moment. You give her a tremulous smile in response and take a deep, fortifying breath as you step up to Hoseok’s door.

Each quarters are locked with either a handprint or a unique code, depending on what the occupant chose. You, Namjoon and Yoongi were the only ones who had master keys that would override every lock on the Starfire when needed, but you had no need to use that for Hoseok.

He’d told you what his code was long ago, and as you enter in the numbers of the day you reunited on Taurii Station over 5 years ago you have to blink rapidly to try and rid yourself of the tears. The soft snort of disbelief lets you know Jimin’s seen the code and you look at him with a glare.

If he could, you have no doubt that he’d be holding his hands up to ward off any words from you but he can’t stop the sardonic smile that creeps out. “You two are sickening, you know that?” He grumbles, heading through the door and resting Hoseok on his small, single sized bed. There’s a moment of quiet as Jimin stays crouched before he places a hand on the Magi’s prone arm.

“He did good you know? Really good. We all owe him something I don’t think we can ever repay.” The kind words from someone who so rarely engages in emotional behaviour has you hiccuping on a sob that you desperately try to keep in, a trembling hand reaching forward to push through Hoseok’s thick, dark hair.

“He did. He did so well, but I want him back.” You can’t help the emotional whisper, Rose’s arms wrapping around you from behind as she presses herself against your back. There’s a moment of indecision before Jimin’s hand is rubbing your shoulder quietly and if you were in a better mental place then you’d be immediately teasing him for his slip of emotion.

“You should go, Namjoon will only wait so long.” Rose says faintly, her beautifully lyrical voice echoing with that odd sense of magnitude that you could never fully describe. You look up at her and nod slowly, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Hoseok’s now pale forehead.

As you leave him in Rose’s capable hands, Jimin stops at the door and looks firmly at you. Eyes that have probably watched hundreds die with detached emotion stare into your own and you shudder slightly at the coldness there, but the blue he’s chosen for now soon warms slightly.

“He’ll be okay.” Is all he says and you frown slightly, pushing past the assassin into the brighter corridor. As if sensing your confusion as to why he sounds so certain, he tugs you to a stop and you’re about to snap at him.

Why does everyone suddenly seem to think you’re a doll that can be tugged and pulled around everywhere?! “He’ll be okay because he’s fighting for you. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about Hoseok over the years, it’s that he’ll do anything for you. So, just wait. He’ll come back. Not for us, but for you.”

At that, he stalks away to leave you staring at his toned back that shifts under the black of his skin tight top. Sometimes you can never figure the Mutanis out. His emotional disconnect is understandable, given he has been trained to kill without a second thought. But then he also seems to be one of the most emotionally perceptive people you’ve seen.

Shaking your head, you close your eyes and inhale slowly, holding it in before letting it out just as slow. The coping mechanism is something that had been taught at flight school on Alpha Prime. A pilot who panicked during a battle was one who would quickly find themselves killed.

Finally centering yourself and feeling, if not okay, at least calmer than you were, you straighten your shoulders and head towards the break room. Everyone is already there, sat around the table while Jimin leans against the wall broodily.

Jungkook is standing on the other side and the only way you can describe his body movements is that he is cowering from everyone’s curious, confused and slightly frightened gazes. You take the moment to run your eyes over him, noting that someone has provided him with a plain white shirt and some grey sweatpants.

It doesn’t take much to notice that Jungkook is built a little more than any of the guys on the ship, with his shirt clinging to incredibly toned torso. His hunched shoulders can’t cover up the broadness that you can see and if you only looked at him from the neck down then you’d presume him to be a mid-20s human male in the prime of his life. Each shift of his arms causes what look like tendons to shift under his tanned skin.

His face though - it sends a shiver down your spine at the thought of what TAS is capable of creating if this what they can produce now. Jungkook has the face of a sweet young man; cheeks soft and supple with plump, pink lips that glisten as he nervously licks at them. His eyes are beautiful and completely non-threatening; big and wide with innocent naivety.

“Heka, no one would ever see him coming.” You don’t realise that you’ve spoken aloud until everyone is suddenly looking at you in silence before their eyes drag back to the man, or android, in question.

“No, they wouldn’t. Which makes him very dangerous. I’d have suspected nothing.” Jimin states flatly, voice almost devoid of any emotion as he continuously scans over the android as if to try and find a weakness.

“He smells like a human too, and he’s secreting sweat that smells of his unique pheromones. It’s fascinating really, how they’ve managed to do this.” It’s Yoongi who speaks up then, his sensitive senses picking up things that none of you would have even considered. It makes everyone look at him warily.

Namjoon sits at the table and rubs at his forehead wearily. “What do you remember before this Jungkook?” He asks quietly and you head over to him, hand moving to rub at his neck to try and relieve some of his stress. A soft noise of acknowledgement is the only sign he gives of thanks to you.

Jungkook eyes widen even further and you get the distinct sense that if he could, he would run away right now. Where he’d run to is beyond you, but he doesn’t seem like the fighting kind of person. His mouth opens and closes a few times, stuttering over his words before he finally speaks clearly. “N-n-nothing. I just...it’s like my life started when you woke me up.”

Looking him over again, you rub at your own temples and let out a deep sigh. Jisoo lets out a quiet laugh as she looks up from the datapad both she and her husband are hunched over. “That’s probably because that’s all he can remember. Given what you guys saw in that research station, I wouldn’t be surprised if they wiped him clean before putting him into a sleep mode.”

You frown at that and open your mouth to question it before Jimin cuts in again. “Makes sense. UIS wants to destroy him, but you can bet if they could get some information from him first then they would.” Honestly, sometimes you wonder why you’re the XO and not Jimin. He may be a smart ass but...well you have to be smart to be one of those and he sure does make you feel stupid sometimes.

Shaking your head, you rid the negative thoughts. It’s not that he’s intelligent, though it is partially, but also because he’s been trained since birth practically in the ways of subterfuge and corporate espionage. If anything, Jimin is probably the one who will have the best idea of what the fuck is going on right now.

“Well...we can’t destroy him. You heard that UIS General, they’ll be after us even if we get rid of him. And TAS...they knew. They knew damn well what they were sending us into.” Namjoon’s fist clenches and you have no doubt that you’d see his biceps flexing if he weren’t wearing his jacket.

Patting his shoulder, you try to lighten the mood a little. “No sweat Cap...but next time we, firstly, listen to me when I say it sounds funky. And secondly...we take no more freaking contracts from your contact, cos I gotta say boss man...this has been the worst contract ever. Hands down.”

Taehyung gives a slightly high pitched giggle, odd considering his natural deep voice. “Yeah, that’d be great. I’d really love not witnessing my own death multiple times again.” He nods and you realise his eyes are just a little wild right now, his starry eyes flickering constantly in a sign of stress.

You head over to him and run a hand through his thick, glittering hair to soothe him slightly. In the heat of the moment, it was easy to forget that Taehyung probably witnessed every way that the battle could have gone wrong. Which is a large thing to expect of your primary pilot.

Feeling him shudder beneath you, you crouch down next to him and rest a hand on his clothed thigh. “You okay?” You ask softly, aware of everyone watching the moment. The Cognizar swallows before exhaling slowly through his nostrils, nodding.

“I’ll be okay, I swear. It was just...a lot. I feel like I need to sleep for a year.” He mutters, bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes as he slumps over slightly. You keep your hand on his thigh and reassure him as you look over at Jisoo and Jin.

“On a scale of one to that-time-Jimin-went-to-Coitanus, how fucked are we?” You ask them, ignoring Jimin’s scowl. Shrugging at him with a slight smirk, you ignore his annoyance and instead note how it brings a touch of a smile to everyone’s lips. Coitanus was a planet in the Adrestia systems that...well you went there if you wanted a good time. And Jimin once took his entire week’s leave there.

Jin’s breath whistles out of him as he breathes out before looking at his wife and shrugging. “As fucked as you can be without a dick in you. We’ll be flagged all on all UIS and TAS system alerts now as wanted fugitives, probably with slaughter warrants so if we get spotted by someone then we’re probably dead.”

Lisa lets out a noise of protest and stands up suddenly. “That’s bullshit! Who would believe us anyway?! There’s always those shitty urban legends that someone’s made an AI. If we destroyed him then who would fucking know?! No one! We could shut him down, put a round through wherever the hell his processing core is and then space him into the closest sun for good measure.”

Looking at Namjoon, he gives you a look that you decipher as ‘unfuck this situation please’. Groaning quietly, you stand up and ignore the click of your knee as you do so. “Lisa, please stop.”

She looks at you outraged and sneers at Yoongi as he rests a hand on her arm with his own warning look. “Why?! It’s the truth and we’re all thinking it. Jimin would agree right?” She looks at the Mutanis who raises perfect eyebrows in response.

“I am thinking it, yeah. But it’s dumb and it wouldn’t work. Like Cap said, they know that we know about him. All it would take is us to record something of him, copy his software or something and send it out and then there would be proof of a functioning AI. We’re dead meat walking.” There’s silence that follows and you groan, resting your forehead against Tae’s own head for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The words are so quiet that you almost don’t hear, and from the sudden silence of the room you assume everyone else has the same opinion. Looking up, you catch sight of the AI in question and can’t help the flip of your heart at the sight.

His eyes, dark yet wide, are filled with tears as he looks down at his trembling hands. “If I could fix this for you...I would. I’m sorry that you’re all stuck in this situation because of me.” His voice trembles with each word and you bite your lip at the panic and fear in them.

It’s so strange to know that he’s a machine, just a complex set of algorithms and numbers that combine together to produce something so realistic. And yet as you watch him cower in front of the glares of your entire crew, you suddenly realise something important.

Walking over to him, you clasp his hands in your own and marvel for a moment at how lifelike he feels. It’s like you’re touching a normal human. Rubbing his fingers soothingly, you give him an encouraging smile as he watches you closely.

“It’s okay. It’s okay Jungkook, it’s not your fault.” You tell him firmly. Immediately you hear Lisa’s complaint behind you and you turn around with a glare. Right now, you’re not her friend but her XO. “It’s not his fault. None of us asked to be born, and neither did he ask to be created. You all have to remember that he’s basically a newborn right now. He has to learn how to live and you’re just sat there talking about how to kill him.”

Looking back at the AI in front of you, you note how lifelike his eyes are and how you can practically see his emotions rippling across his face. The fear that keeps his eyes wide yet the tentative hope at your kind words.

“He’s an AI, which makes him smart. He’ll learn quickly, and most important is that he obviously has feelings. They may be artificial to you or I, but they’re real to him. God,” You give a slightly manic chuckle that has everyone staring at you strange. “Imagine being born and being cognizant of everything immediately. And then imagine being born and knowing you have two systems that will murder anything to kill you or keep you quiet, when you’re only aware of the last hour of your life. I’m sorry Jungkook, this is a lot to take on.”

He licks his lips slowly before shrugging, an action that he has no doubt learnt by observing your crewmates. “I’m sorry still. Your boyfriend would be okay if it wasn’t for me.” He pulls into himself at that, and you’re not entirely sure whether he’s expecting to get hit or shouted at.

The mention of Hoseok is a like a punch of its own to your stomach, but you gently cup the taller AI’s face. “He knew what he was doing. This isn’t your fault. We were fucked as soon as we took that damn contract on Extanis. But now that you’re awake, we’re going to have to try to figure out what to do. And fast.”

Looking away from him, you look at Namjoon before scanning the faces of everyone else. They all seem to be a little cowed by your sudden outburst, but you ignore it in favour of looking at your Captain.

“Any idea where we can go? There has to be somewhere we can go in Adrestia right? Some place that TAS or UIS isn’t going to look for us? I mean, I hope it’s not a shithole but quite frankly I’d just take somewhere where I can walk around without getting my head blasted off.” You quip, causing Namjoon to scoff a laugh.

It’s quiet again for a few minutes as people think and you take the time to focus on trying to cheer Jungkook up. Taehyung walks over at one point and scans over Jungkook with a raised eyebrow. “You’re pretty impressive looking.” He says quietly, poking at the android’s toned abdomen.

You expect Jungkook to recoil or something given how the crew have been talking about him, yet he simply looks the Cognizar up and down himself. It hasn’t been long since he’s been in your company, yet you already recognise that look as him running through his knowledge banks to put together information about this newcomer.

“You’re pretty.” He says quietly and you look at him with a smile. Taehyung is very pretty, and you note with pleasure that Taehyung’s boxy smile makes a sudden appearance at the compliment from the shy AI.

Pushing at Jungkook slightly, you tut at him as you gesture towards the pilot. “Don’t give him a big head, he’s already convinced that he’s the most beautiful one on the ship.” At that, Tae shrugs his shoulders with a mischievous smile.

“I am, what of it?” You shake your own head and roll your eyes in exasperation. Patting his shoulder, you give Tae a look that has him nodding slightly. Years of piloting with him mean that you can communicate a lot with just a single expression of your face, and Tae accepts your silent request for him to stay with Jungkook.

He’s probably the best to make friends with the traumatised AI along with Rose. Neither of them are very judgemental and both have a soothing presence that makes them pleasant to work alongside. Which makes sense really, given that alongside you, they are the ones who need to pilot the Starfire.

Heading over to Namjoon, you flop down beside him before simply staring, causing him to grunt an acknowledgement to you. “We could try Mikalia I guess. I’ve got an old contact there, they’re pretty solid and he owes me one so...I doubt he’ll hand us in.”

Rolling your eyes, you let out a suffering groan at that. “That sounds promising. ‘Hey, we’ve got an AI, please don’t rat us out and let our heads get blown off?’” He glares at you for that, lips pursing together in annoyance but you shrug in response.

“It’s better than lazing around in space smart ass. Eventually we will run out of food, so would you rather set down somewhere that is at least possibly safe or just die up here? Because if you’d rather the second, I’ll vent the atmosphere and make it quicker for us all shall I?” His irritated tone lets you know that he’s more stressed than he’s letting on and you sigh deeply, putting on your metaphorical XO cap.

“Okay, okay. Do we want it fast or slow? I can plot us a good path to Mikalia but it’ll take us at least a week and a half from here. If you want faster then I’ll need to get Rose.” He looks around the crew, taking in their concerned gazes before gesturing out towards everyone.

“What’s everyone think? Fast or slow?”

Jisoo and Jin immediately begin speaking over the top of each other before Jin defers to his wife with a doting smile. She grins back, teeth blindingly white against pink, before looking at Namjoon and you. “I think slow, the longer we take then the more we can figure out Jungkook. It might also help others to think that maybe we’ve disappeared.”

Jimin lets out a snort at that and you look over to him with a raised eyebrow. He catches your eye and winks at you. “Fast means there’s less chance of them finding out about us, we might get there before they catch word. Communications are slow to some of the Adrestia nations given they’re independent.”

Chewing your lip, you concede his point and sigh quietly. Namjoon leans forward, elbows on the table as he rests his head on his hands. “God this whole situation is so fucked. Why the fuck didn’t I just walk away? It was too good, I knew that.”

You’re rubbing his back reassuringly before you realise, leaning forward so that only he can hear you. “Don’t do this now Captain, your crew needs you and they don’t need you falling apart.” Sitting up, you look the crew over before gesturing to Taehyung.

“We’ll go slow and hope that people will have forgotten a little by the time we get there. It’s a week and half, so plenty of time for us to research into AI and look more into the history of these two fucking systems. I want people to look into the important people on both sides. We need radio silence until we get there, let’s not give them a reason to figure out where the fuck we’re going.” The authority in your voice has spines straightening, and you can almost sense the relief that someone is taking charge of this shit show you’ve all walked blindly into.

Taehyung leaves the break room immediately, heading to the bridge to begin preparations that will allow the Starfire to change destinations within hyperspace. Jin and Jisoo both stand and make their way out, ready to head to the engine room to ensure that nothing else accidentally breaks while you maneuver the ship.

Jungkook stands slightly aimlessly as everyone begins to filter out and you take pity on him once more. You know that logically you should be angry at him, but you just can’t. He’s basically a kid and you feel an odd sense of protection towards him.

Walking over, you take his arm gently and begin to lead him to the bridge. “Come on Jungkook, would you like to see how we fly the Starfire? I think you might like it, who knows, you could probably fly this better than any of us with that computer brain of yours.” You tease, smiling at him broadly.

He watches you with wary eyes for a moment before a tentative, slow smile spreads over his face and suddenly you’re cooing at him, hands reaching up to pinch his cheeks. “Oh my goodness, you have the cutest smile ever!”

It’s obvious he has no idea what to do with your sudden reaction but he’s flushing with pink at your touch, causing you to laugh out loud. When you reach the bridge you note Tae waiting for you, ankle hooked over his knee while a pale gold brow is raised.

“Are you stealing my new best friend?” He says sternly before he’s dragging Jungkook over to the pilot’s seat. You’re about to say something but instead watch as he pushes the AI into the seat and begins to point things out. They’re speaking too quietly for you to hear properly but you recognise the vibrating excitement of Tae and smile softly.

Yeah, Tae will make Jungkook feel welcome.

You’d just finished putting the new navigation coordinates into the system and letting Tae know it was ready when Namjoon enters and slumps into the Captain’s chair. There’s a slight shudder in the Starfire as she shifts in hyperspace to her new destination before you get up and head over to your beleaguered Captain.

Crouching down next to him, you note him watching your pilot and new acquisition with a tired eye. “I didn’t expect you to take him on board like you did. In fact, I thought you’d be the first one to throw him out the airlock after what happened with Hoseok.”

Looking over at the two, you eject an exhausted sigh of your own. “If he’d died...then I probably wouldn’t have cared if anyone else had died on here. No offense. But...he’s not dead and I just...it’s not his fault. Like I said, he had no control over this and it would be wrong for us to reject him. Where is he gonna go? He has nowhere to go and no-one but us and the Starfire. We’re the ones who woke him up, so we’re responsible for him.”

He watches you quietly, dark eyes scanning over your face before he breaks into a soft smile, dimples clearly visible in the gentle lighting of the bridge. “You have a soft spot for him already don’t you?”

Flushing slightly, you push at his knee. “I’m not saying I want to be his mom, Heka. Imagine Hoseok waking up to find out he’s a dad to a freaking AI. No, it’s not that. It’s just...he’s innocent and so new. He’s not just a machine or an android, he’s an artificial intelligence. Which means he’s aware, he thinks for himself, he has feelings and he has free will. Isn’t that what it means to be alive?”

Looking over at Jungkook, you watch as he in turn watches Taehyung with those brilliantly wide eyes, reflecting the lights off Tae’s holoscreen as the Cognizar begins to show him one of his favourite games. “Everyone on this ship, is in effect his parent now. We have to show him how to be good, how to live well. If we treat him badly, then he’ll never trust anyone and the old wives tale of an AI going rogue will come true. We have a chance here Namjoon.”

Bringing up a few things on his own holoscreen, Namjoon is silent before letting out a deep groan of frustration. “You’re right, you are. It’ll take time for everyone to think your way though. He’s still the reason we’re now probably the most wanted people in the galaxy.”

“They’ll get over it. I get the feeling that he is going to be desperate to prove himself to everyone, and he seems sweet enough to probably do that. I think Tae wants him as his best friend already.” You say sardonically, gesturing to where the golden man is giggling intensely.

Namjoon just watches and smiles. “I hope you’re right, otherwise we’re fucked even more than we are now. And I don’t think there’s ever been someone more fucked than we are.” Lowering your head, you nod in agreement and let the silence take over you both.

It had been a week of travelling now and the Starfire was reporting that you were still three days away from your destination. You’d be lying if you said that the thought of leaving the safety of her well travelled halls didn’t make you want to projectile vomit everywhere, but you kept a brave face on for the crew.

They still treated Jungkook with more than a little suspicion, only Taehyung and Rose accepting him and being friendly. You’d had to tell Jin and Jisoo off more than once for treating Jungkook like a science experiment but you at least understood their analytical minds being desperate to figure out the spectacle of science and engineering that he was.

When you’d taken Hoseok to his room after the incident, you hadn’t wanted to leave his side. And yet since then, you’d been so hesitant about seeing him that you’d avoided his room at almost any cost. There wasn’t a thing in your quarters that needed fixing anymore, nor on the bridge and you knew it was annoying everyone with your cleaning.

It wasn’t until Rose had pressed a hand to you today as you’d been updating the software on every data pad on the Starfire that you’d finally stopped. She hadn’t said a word, but you’d known. She was the one looking Hoseok and guilt had eaten away at your stomach until you were finally here, outside his door.

And you felt even more guilty as you wavered in whether or not you should go in. You knew that you should, but it was just so painful to see him like this, so quiet and still. The Hoseok you knew was bright and full of life, stoic but fun and playful when needed.

Inhaling deeply, you entered the code onto his door lock slowly and watched as the silver metal slides open with the softest woosh, revealing his room to you. You’d never spent a huge amount of time in here before, mainly spending time with him in the break room or on the bridge. On a spaceship privacy was rare and people became rather possessive of their own space, which in turn meant everyone respected it.

The space inside was small, which was to be expected from someone who was not high on the crew list. Your own quarters were twice the size of his, but it came with being the XO and you knew Hoseok didn’t mind. He’d spent his youth cramped with others so any space was welcome.

Stark walls met you; with the only decorations in the room being the ones you’d bought him on your various contracts. He wasn’t hugely interested in interior design, which did not surprise you at all as he’d always been a man of simple tastes. An open holo screen on the small desk was set to a reading text, and upon closer inspection you saw that he was reading a romance fiction novel. Smiling slightly, you couldn’t help but shake your head in amusement.

The galaxy had an image of Magi as being cold and ruthless, the assumption that power on the level that a Magi had meant they were unfeeling beings. Having grown up amongst many Magi on Hekasus, and being in love with one for years, you knew the exact opposite was true.

Hoseok had explained once that to be Magi was to use Magiikus, and to use Magiikus was to be in touch with something so powerful and strong it would break the minds of those not capable of coping. Magiikus was power in its purest form and he’d said that it amplified everything about a Magi.

If they needed strength, then they would fill their limbs full of Magiikus and gain the strength of a Yarin to throw boulders into the sky. If they needed to move quickly, then the speed of a Qita graced them and so forth. It only made sense that Magiikus would amplify their emotions, which was why Hoseok often glowed when he was feeling something strongly.

For a Magi to become cold and unfeeling would be for them to deny the Magiikus, which was unthinkable. As a result, Magi were quite possibly some of the most overly emotional beings you’d ever met, which made them inexplicably dangerous. When angered they could level an entire town in their fury for example.

It almost meant that they loved fiercely. They put their whole heart into their love and there were many tales of a Magi who had lost their love and the repercussions that occurred after.

If their love had been killed in some way then no one was safe from the rage of the Magi who sought to avenge their love. In turn, their grief was soul achingly strong and potent, to the degree that a vast majority burned up as their Magiikus grew more and more wild with pain.

So no, they were not unfeeling beings but instead full of the most wonderful emotions you’d seen. They just needed to maintain iron control over their power.

Which was why it was hard to look at him now, lying on his bed in a silence that chilled your bones, your body well aware that there was something inherently wrong with the man you loved. Kneeling down next to the bed, your chin rests on your arms as you simply take in his features for a moment.

He’s breathing deeply, and his face is lax and innocent with not a flicker of emotion or intelligence crossing it. Hoseok had fallen into a deep, almost catatonic, sleep and for the past week there had been no sign he was going to wake up.

With no medic on the crew, you’d all had to make do with what little medical equipment you did have on hand. The only thing you’d figured out that he was physically healthy, perfect almost. But the med-scanner had gone a little crazy when reporting his brain scans, showing activity flaring up everywhere and vanishing just as quickly.

None of you knew what was happening to him as none of you had experience with a Magi almost burning up. In fact, there weren’t many people in the entire galaxy who had experience in that either, causing fear to roil in your stomach constantly. You wanted to go to detour to Hekasus and seek help from the Magi there after the third day when he showed no improvement, but Namjoon had nixed it immediately.

“No, we can’t go to Hekasus. You know if anyone caught us there with Jungkook then we’d be dead instantly. You know more than any of us that there are Magi who work on both sides that would have no qualm about reporting us in.” It frustrated you that you’d simply had to nod and agree.

A tear slowly fell down your cheek as you watched him, soon followed by another and another. It wasn’t long before a constellation of tears dotted your face, the trauma of almost seeing him die right in front of your eyes finally catching up after the shock of everything as you watch him.

Everything had moved so fast that you simply had not had time to process it, too focused on finding somewhere safe to hide out while also trying to figure Jungkook out more. And then there was the fact that part of you was afraid to confront it, as it meant acknowledging that there was a chance he may never come back to you.

Reaching out blindly, you found his hand before tightening your grip around it. “Please come back to us Hoseok. Please come back, please come back to me.” You whispered brokenly, voice thick as you finally let you the emotions you’d been so resiliently holding back out.

Given the stress of your recent events, you were not surprised that you eventually cried yourself to sleep, Hoseok’s hand still firmly in your own and the sound of his soft and rhythmic breathing your lullaby.

It was the complete absence of noise that caused you to jerk awake though, sitting up from where you were slumped on the floor. A spaceship meant that you had to become used to constant noise, whether it was from fellow crew, the sound of pipes as water rushed through, the familiar hum of air filtering through the ship or the ever important and gentle rumbling from the engine.

Silence for a spaceship meant death for the crew.

Your eyes flickered in a panic and it took a few seconds for you to realise that you were in a pitch-black area. Not simply a room that was dark, no you literally could not see at all.

“What the fuck is this?” Just as you’re about to enter Panic Town, which would have a population of one freaked out you right now, a voice suddenly speaks out which causes your heart to stutter.

“Y/N, it’s okay. I’m here little star, don’t panic.” You freeze, before turning around slowly to meet the voice. And he’s stood there, the only thing that’s visible in the darkness.

“Hoseok…you’re…you’re awake. How? When? Where are we?” Without even thinking you find yourself lurching to your feet and staggering towards him, hands reaching out to him desperately so that you can feel his warmth again. Sate an ache you hadn’t even been aware of until he was gone.

Only he steps back and away from your grasping hands, causing you to pause in confusion and hurt. A look of frustration spreads over his face as he sweeps a hand through his black hair, gleaming somehow despite the lack of light in this place. “We can’t touch, if we do then this.” He gestures to the darkness with a finger. “Will all vanish, and I need to talk to you.”

You wish that you could understand what he was talking about but you’d be lying. The last thing you remember was falling asleep next to a very much unconscious Hoseok. And now apparently you were in the void or some weird shit.

“Hoseok what are you…what are you talking about? What is this?” You’d seen some crazy shit in the galaxy but this was currently the strangest thing hands down - and you’d been to planet Akalin before. He sighed heavily, the sound full of negative emotions, before looking down at his hands as he tried to find the right words for you.

“This is…real…but not real. We’re here but…we’re also not here if that makes sense?” You stare at him for a moment blankly before your eyes flicker to the side. His face is earnest and you so desperately want to cup those honeyed cheeks, run your fingers along his skin and just remind yourself of what he feels like when he’s awake.

But you can’t, and the knowledge of that makes you slightly waspish. “You know, as happy as I am to see you right now, it’s suddenly incredibly obvious why you didn’t want to become a teacher.”

He laughs at that, a bright smile spreading and lighting up his face as he nods. It makes your stomach cramp with longing and suddenly you find yourself crying at simply seeing him alive. Hoseok sobers immediately at your tears and his hands flex with an obvious need to move.

“I’m not awake right now Y/N, and neither are you. This is…a form of Magiikus that’s only working because you’re touching me in real life. I’m not very experienced at it; there are those who can do this without touching. That’s not my area of expertise obviously, though I seem to be doing a lot of things that I’m not good at lately.” He wrinkles his nose slightly, obviously regretting that.

“It’s basically…like we’re sharing a dream. Only we can’t touch otherwise it’ll wake us up. Or rather you. It’ll wake you up. I wouldn’t expect this to happen again either, it takes up a lot of concentration to do this and honestly I probably shouldn’t be doing it. To put it simply, it’s some more of my mystical mumbo jumbo shit you like to tease me for.”

He smirks at you as you frown immediately, mouth opening to reprimand him for putting his recovery at risk. He stops you with a hand, understanding that you’d want to rant at him for doing something that could prevent him waking up.

“I’m currently in what we Magi call a Panacea sleep. It’s a healing sleep that we use when we’ve expended too much energy or Magiikus. Usually the user will wake up within a day or two but…honestly I don’t know when I will. Or if I ever will wake up. I’ve never heard of a Magi recovering from almost burning up like I did.”

A silence fills the air between you both at that as you try to comprehend what he’s just told you. While relief fills you to know that he’s healing, despair soon takes its place at the prospect he could never wake up.

The quiet extends before Hoseok suddenly breaks it, his voice so thick with pain that you want to rush forward despite his warning. “I just needed to talk to you and it suddenly worked. I thought I was going to die you know, on the bridge. One second I’m focusing on protecting the Starfire and making a barrier and the next, the next I’m burning so hot and Magiikus is screaming through my brain. I couldn’t think properly and I couldn’t stop it. I’m so sorry Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

He’s suddenly crying, his face crumpling in emotion and you anxiously wish that you could touch him, wipe away those tears gently and cup his hands in your hands to soothe away his worries. Your Hoseok should never cry and you let out a soft whimper of distress at the fact you can’t do anything.

“I’m sorry that you had to watch that, that you had to watch me almost die and you couldn’t even do anything. I couldn’t hear anything but the Magiikus in my head and I swore I was dying. Then suddenly, I could hear you. You were calling my name and I could hear that you were crying, god the pain in your voice, and I realised that you were watching me die.” He pauses for a second.

“Do you know the only thing I could think then when I heard you?” His voice cracked and he swallowed thickly, wiping away the tears from his cheeks. “All I could think was that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re watching me die, I’m sorry that I’m failing you and most importantly? I’m sorry that I never told you that I love you.”

You’re quiet for a moment, tears falling down your own face even faster as you shake your head despite the race your heart is suddenly engaged in, reaching out to him but not moving forward. “I knew Hoseok, you know that I knew.” He shook his head determinedly though.

“No, no that was the cowards way out okay? I should have told you. I should have told you years ago, then we could have spent the last few years together instead of playing that stupid flirting game we did. I was a coward because I didn’t want to tell you and potentially watch you fall out of love with me. The Starfire is your home and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, so I wanted to be sure of us. But I was a fucking coward, I should have just done it!” He cursed, kicking at the floor, or what constituted a floor, in frustration.

“I could have loved you properly, like you deserved. But instead you almost had to watch me die before I’d even spoken the words to you. So I’m being a coward again and I’m being selfish. I might never wake up, but I need you to know okay? I need you to know that I love you. I love the way you always tease me for my ‘mystic mumbo jumbo’, I love the way you never take anything seriously until you have to, and then it has your full attention.” He cracks a smile at that, wobbly as his eyes water furiously.

“I love how when you smile at me, it’s like I’m the only person you can see. I love your terrible cooking because even if it tastes like you’re trying to poison me, I can feel the effort you put in. I love how in a galaxy of trillions upon trillions of people, you make me feel like I’m the only person that matters. And I want you to know, my little star, that you’re the only person that matters to me too.”

He bites his lip as he wipes his face once more and your heart feels like it’s going to burst out of your chest with emotion.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you in person, but I swear if I wake up…I’m going to kiss like you I’m dying all over again.” Hoseok smiles at you, a soft look of hope lighting up his eyes and you realise with a start that his whole body has been gently glowing the whole time.

He looks away to the side suddenly before looking back at you, the corners of his mouth turning up softly. “You have to go now. I’m trying to come back to you; I swear I’m trying so damn hard. Try not to get in too much trouble now yeah? I’d like to wake up to see you there and tell you this in person.”

You go to respond, eyes closing only to find yourself being shaken awake by Rose. Blinking groggily, you frown at the brightness of the room compared to wherever the hell you had just been. You were back in Hoseok’s room, and Hoseok was in front of you again, still unconscious, with his hand in yours.

Nodding at Rose’s request for you to head to the bridge, you wait until she leaves the room before standing up and grimacing at the ache in your back from the position you’d slept in. Leaning forward, you take in Hoseok’s features up close before pressing a tender kiss on his forehead.

“I’m going to hold you to that Hoseok, you better come back to me because I want that kiss.” Smiling, you kiss his forehead again before leaving his room, a bounce in your step suddenly and tentative hope in your veins.

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storiesnobodyreads · 7 years

Text

Sexy

Pairing: Chris Evans x reader

Prompt: you and Chris started dating after you starred as Captain America’s love interest. You do interviews together on the press tour. One interviewer is disrespectful to you, and Chris gets angry.

You and Chris had been dating for several months now, after the shooting of Infinity War had wrapped. You had portrayed Steve Roger’s love interest, though you had gone into quite an effort to make your statement that Captain America’s true love interest was Bucky. After a while of arguing with Chris, he’d just looked you dead in the eye and said, “Are you trying to get yourself fired? I’d be more than happy to make out with Sebby.”

During filming, you’d fallen in love with Chris Evans. You couldn’t think of a single reason why anyone wouldn’t fall in love with the man. Lucky thing for you, though, turned out that Chris had developed feelings for you too. He had asked you out on a date the day you had wrapped, and everything had been going great since then.

For the press tour this month, you and Chris had been paired up doing interviews together. Apparently the connection between the two of you was visible on and off screen, or so Marvel decided. The relationship had not yet gone public, because neither of you desired the attention from the paparazzi.

The first couple of weeks passed by rather smoothly. Most interviewers were extremely nice and superbly excited to meet the two of you. They had you play fun games and answer intriguing question. Every now and then the interviewers would hope for a hint that the two of you were dating in real life, because the rumours were out there, but you’d always managed to subtly dodge that question.

On this particular Thursday, however, you and Chris were both exhausted. You’d gone to a party and it had gotten quite late; on top of that, the full days of doing interviews and pretending to be a fun person all the time, didn’t help. That morning, you’d begged Chris to just stay in bed and sleep all day, but he’d pulled you out of bed, emphasising that it was your obligation to the fans. You were well on your way to let the day be okay, until you and Chris crossed paths with the most terrible interviewer.

The man, named Jason, had elected to ignore you.

Chris tried many times to get you involved in the conversation, asking you questions about what you thought, but the interviewer would just cut you off. At a certain point. you just accepted that you weren’t going to get any attention, and you stubbornly leaned back in your chair. You reasoned with yourself that it was absolutely logical that the man was more interested in Chris Evans. He was Captain America, after all. However, it would have been nice to be a part of the conversation, and not getting shut up instantly every time.

“Now of course, in this new movie you have a very attractive new co-star, Y/N Y/L/N,” Jason vaguely gestured at you, not looking you in the eye, only looking up and down your figure. You frowned a little; you couldn’t help feeling somewhat insulted. My eyes are up here, you considered pointing out, but then you were reminded that there were five cameras directed at your face and you had to keep yourself together.

Beside you, Chris stirred. You quickly glanced over at him, and noticed from his posture that he was starting to get angry.

Jason continued, “And you have a nice love scene in this movie. What was it like filming that scene?”

“Well, the thing about love scenes is that they aren’t nearly as romantic in real life as they look on screen,” Chris laughed a little, but his laugh sounded forced. “You’ve got to keep in mind that there are like thirty people watching you behind the cameras, and you’re practically naked, so I was mainly just worried about Y/N, you know, just trying to make sure that Y/N was comfortable.” He dramatically turned to face you. “What was it like for you?”

You chuckled when Chris winked at you. “Awkward,” you smiled, “But Chris was great. He did really do all he could to make me comfortable, and create a positive atmosphere on set--”

“Okay,” Jason interrupted you. You breathed out sharply, having been in the middle of a sentence. “So, Chris, what would you say is the sexiest thing about Y/N?”

Chris choked in his own saliva. Had the situation been different, undoubtedly Chris would have been able to laugh about it. However, the interviewer had been rude from you since the first second and had disrespected you every second thereafter. The question about your sexiness now just infuriated him. “Excuse me?” he brought out, giving the man a chance to back off.

“Let me rephrase my question,” said Jason quickly. “Do you think Y/N is sexy?”

Chris’ jaw dropped a little, and he seemed to be at a loss for words. “Y--yes,” he stammered awkwardly.

Jason straightened his cards in his lap. “Why?”

Chris glanced sideways at you, looking for help, but you found yourself staring into your hands. Your disappointment in the superficiality of humanity had grown to the point where you no longer knew how to cope with it. Chris unclenched his hands and moved his arm as if he wanted to reach out to you, only to realise the cameras were still rolling on you.

“Yeah, okay,” Chris cleared his throat, rising to his feet. “I think we’re done here.” He grabbed your hand and pulled you up, looking directly into your eyes for just a second, silently telling you to keep your head up.

Jason leaped up as well. “What are you--what’s going on?”

Chris swirled around to face him and, suddenly, the usually so friendly sparkle vanished from his eyes. He tensed his muscles and towered over the scrawny interviewer, who appeared to shrink in his shoes. “You are acting incredibly disrespectful,” Chris said to him, his voice low, quiet, and mind-dazzlingly scary. “In this entire interview, you haven’t asked Y/N a single question. You have ignored her presence, and only mentioned her to verbally harass her for how she looks. Yes, she is stunning, but I will have you know that Y/N is a wonderful, intelligent woman and a fantastic actress. She has worked extremely hard for this movie and deserves to be respected for her performance.”

Jason let out a squeak as Captain America hissed his furious words at him. “I didn’t--”

Chris wouldn’t let him finish. “Now if you’ll excuse us,” he grumbled, remaining ever so polite, yet with an undertone that threatened the interviewer’s life. “We’re leaving.”

Chris placed his hand on your back and promptly steered you out of the room, marching straight past the cameras and the protesting crew, ignoring the screaming interviewer, pushing away the guards that attempted to stop you. He didn’t say a word, walking faster than your shorter legs could handle, and didn’t stop walking that quickly until both of you were out the building. He pulled his hoodie over his head and handed you back your sunglasses. Firmly, he grabbed your hand and held it, holding you in public.

“What are you doing?” you asked, feeling small. Despite the fact that Chris hadn’t hurt anyone, and had remained perfectly polite to Jason, his anger still scared you. “Chris, please, where are we even going?”

“We’re going shopping,” Chris said decisively. “And we’re going to buy the weirdest clothes we can find. And we’re going to wear them. In public. And we’re going to make a statement.”

Your hand was getting crushed by Chris’. “Okay, and what statement would that be?”

Chris abruptly halted. “That you are so much more than just some kind of sex object,” he brought out in frustration. “You are so... You are just great, you know? And I don’t understand that other people are so damned superficial that they’re not willing to look any further than your looks.”

You unleashed yourself from Chris’ tight grip. Sarcastically, you uttered, “Do you not like my looks, Chris?”

Chris rolled his eyes and quickly pecked a kiss on your cheek. “Of course I do,” he said irritably. “But you’re also smart, and funny, and sweet. So we’re going to show the idiots out there that you’re more than what they think.” He glared at you, taking a deep breath, and then put up a wide smile. “Are you in?”

“It’s a stupid plan,” you commented, “Of course I’m in.”

Chris laughed, relieved that you weren’t holding his outburst against him, and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. Strolling through the streets of New York together, you encountered a carnival shop that looked like a party to be in. Chris doubted just for a second, but you had gotten excited about Chris’ plan, hence you grabbed his arm and pulled him into the shop.

With the cheerful music blasting in the background, you started dancing, and soon you were swaying in Chris’ arms. You fetched colourful boa’s from the stands and swung them around Chris’ neck. “Maybe we can alter the statement we’re trying to make to you just being an idiot, not a sex symbol.”

“Ugh, you’re just jealous,” you said, placing a pair of bright, pink goggles atop his nose.

Chris laughed. “Now you’re just dressing me up!” he exclaimed. “You have to wear weird clothes, too.” He rapidly scoured through the store and picked out several odd-looking outfits. He returned with his arms full and pulled you with him into a dressing room. Though there undoubtedly was a strict policy concerning not having two people in the same dressing room, but Chris quickly pulled the curtains shut. “Please put this on,” he offered, holding up a gigantic Pikachu costume. “I will do anything for you to put this on.”

You giggled and kissed him deeply, gently shoving him against the wall. Chris reacted to your kiss immediately, dropping the costumes and tightly grabbing your waist.

Chris smiled against your lips. “Or we can just do this?”

You pulled back, holding Chris’ neck. “Chris,” you said seriously. “Thank you for standing up for me. I didn’t want to be rude and say anything, but I’m really glad you did. You actually managed to make your point without telling the guy to go fuck himself.”

Chris shrugged a little, pressing you closer to him. “I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself. He was a fucking asshole.”

“He was,” you chuckled. “But thank you. Really.”

“Anything for you, babe,” Chris whispered against your lips. Then, a laugh broke through his expression. “Now that I’ve proven that I’m fantastic, you should definitely do me a favour. Wear the suit.”

You bought the Pikachu suit and wore it with pride. You forced Chris to purchase the purple boa, sunglasses, and German lederhosen. Both of you bought bright green shoes that sparkled with every step you took. You walked out of the store with shining pride.

Instead of avoiding the paparazzi like usual, you encouraged them to take many pictures of the two of you having dressed up like idiots. “Now I’m just going to be a sex symbol who is also an idiot,” you pointed out to Chris.

Chris pointed at a cute-looking coffee restaurant, “Better than just being a sex symbol,” he shrugged. “Wanna drink coffee?” You did want to drink coffee, so you took your seat at a table in your Pikachu suit. Chris sat down before you, ordering two coffee’s from the waitress nearby. He then lay down on the table with his hands underneath his chin, and was smiling at you constantly. The pink sunglasses and purple boa did make him look extraordinarily cute.

“Hey,” Chris said seriously, picking a purple feather out of his mouth. “I have found my answer to that lame guy’s question.”

“Hmm?” you looked up from your coffee. “The question about why you thought I was sexy?”

“Yeah, I figured it out,” Chris nodded, glancing up at you. He smiled lovingly. “You’re sexy because you’re you. And every single thing about you is amazing. So thank you for being you.”

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monkey-network · 7 years

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Good Stuff’s Best of 2017

WARNING: I’d like to thank everybody who was here for me when times were low. Thank you, take care out there, and enjoy.

Cartoons; the one thing that I will continuously watch until I go blind. 2017 was an emotional handful and an exhausting trudge, can’t deny that, and I’m counting down the best cartoons/animations I’ve seen and loved this year in no particular order. Only two rules, no sneak previews of future projects (sorry to Unikitty and Hideo Kojima). Here we go....

10. HANAZUKI: FULL OF TREASURES

This was a sleeper hit tbh. The fact all the episodes were free on Youtube blew my mind, but having a well structured story with a lovely cold space color palette, actually relatable characters, and a sinister undertones below its tender, colorful charm to be as a nice headliner to when Friendship is Magic came back in spring. It was an inviting start for the year, and with the guy behind Motorcity and Superjail taking the helm and having two more seasons being produced, Hanazuki is something I find is in good hands come 2018.

9. LITTLE WITCH ACADEMIA

Four long years. I waited FOUR long goddamn years...and fuck me was it worth it. A spectacle is what I can call Little Witch Academia. Almost every episode dazzled me with its stage made bravado and confidence that always made me say, “Okay. Let’s make it til’ the next week”. Even when things got serious, LWA knew how to have fun and make the most of its concept. There is a sense of predictability sometimes, but the series would still throw you some good curve balls to never lose your interest. What did lose my interest was Netflix’s sorry excuse of a dub. The movies: fine. But Netflix, try that again, with any other anime, and I will rip your nuts off.

8. Now I might be cheating here since it’s not a cartoon, but shit it might as well have been

CUPHEAD

The effort that went into this is phenomenal, beyond the many other games of the year no doubt. While not everything is animated, I could tell they were cutting corners in some areas, the frame BY frame animated enemies, bosses, and effects made this one of the most visually colorful and alive games to date, next to Mario Odyssey. Not only was this game a frustrating yet joyous romp to start and finish, but the music and art flawlessly channeled the essence of a time where the word “cartoon” was only starting to make good progress. My favorite character would have to be Satan King Dice, whom is an animated homage to great musician and composer Cab Calloway. His stache, his clothing, even his Cheshire grin captured the cool, jazzy vibe Calloway always provided in his performances. He and his fight was the highlight of Cuphead for me and I hope this game, if a sequel isn’t possible, is well remembered for its unexpected excellence in how a video game can look.

7. CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS/L-EGGO BATMAN

Faithful is what I can describe these two. Captain Underpants was just an awesome book to elementary schooler me, but to see a well animated, well written movie about a dude in his underwear was nothing short of a simple yet powerful masterpiece. As for Batman, this is one of the three truest DC and Batman movies around this time, and it has a gay undertone with Batman and the Joker’s relationship (how can you not pull that off, Suicide Squad?). While not a big fan of lego myself, The Lego Movie put my faith WB making another one equally as good, and they did not disappoint. It’s a shame it got snubbed at the Golden Globes, it deserves the award more than the Boss Baby. Plus it had a Superman that didn’t bore me while having a terrible CGI lip job that’s only made worse by his two way dick nose....

Justice League costed 300,000,000 dollars.............

6. DANGER & EGGS

To me, this series felt like one of the few steps forward the world took to make the LGBT+ community feel more welcome and inspired in public outlets; a small step, but progressive none the less. It is a colorful and lively action comedy, a first to be created by a transgender person, where you can see a non-binary character, a pride fest, diverse background characters of orientation and ethnicity, and it feels like they are a part of the world and not footnotes that states that you should respect queer, bi, ace, and so on based on a say so. It’s a show don’t tell type of series and it brightened my summer before I had to remind myself that college exists and is expecting me.

5. TANGLED: THE SERIES

*ring ring* “Hello?” Ye, Disney? How fucking dare you?

My hype for this was undoubtful. I love Tangled the movie, I consider it one of my favorite 2010 disney flics beside Wreck it Ralph and Moana. And when the art style was up for a preview for this (?), I just sat and waited until it finally premiered and damn. I never stopped loving it, but it is until episode 16 where the series starts to hit high note after high note with the direction it’s going for the story. The fact that this all takes place not long after the movie makes the thought where Eugene and Rapunzel finally get married feels all the more earned. It’s working its way to a happily ever after, I adore this show, and this makes me appreciate Frozen a bit more for how far that’s fallen in the world after its one year of fame. Seriously, Gigantic had to get chopped, but Olaf can still live? Give me a break, Disney.

“Sir, I understand your enthusiasm....but this is Domino’s.” Then I will have the 5.99 large with Salchicha and pepperoncini with a liter sprite on delivery.

4. MADE IN ABYSS

This was so beautiful, so awesome, and much better than...

I wasted my life and I cannot say that I will ever reclaim that time proactively again the Anime

Made in Abyss is like Hunter x Hunter except Gon’s more booksmart and Kilua’s a timid robot. The bond between Riko and Reg was a fucking dynamic and heartfelt where Riko’s helps build Reg up and Reg kept Riko and himself safe with his bodily arsenal. That and this series has the best world building where they not only give the low down on almost everything about the titular abyss, but the atmospheric environments and the designs of the inhabiting creatures made this a unique world to want to explore myself. It knew what to show, and knew what to share. When things got serious, I actually tensed up at the thought of shit truly going down; they knew how to soften the terror while maniacally instill fear in us for the safety of the traveling kids. I want to recommend this link to an awesome breakdown of how great Made in Abyss was. However, as it seems that a season two has gone down the abyss as well, and I’m afraid it can’t come back up.

3. LET’S BE HEROES!!

Is it safe to call this the M.U.G.E.N. of cartoons? Just an all up mashup of stuff I love in a Saturday morning? Campy, action, and laid back, this is something I can be sober or grab some kush and I would be enjoy the show just the same. They even have references you might not have ever heard of, but might like the search. OK KO’s a popcorn cartoon, it’s not for everybody, but it established itself well into the modern CN era when Adventure Time finally has to move on.

2. SAMURAI JACK

Getting this out of the way: episode 6 toiled the final season of Samurai Jack for me. Not gonna go into detail, but if that episode was remade, I would have been more satisfied looking back. However, that does not stop me from saying this is how a revival should be, this is how a reboot should work, THIS is how you can bring nostalgia back. Samurai Jack was great back then, but this season, wrapping up the loose plight of our boy trying to get back to the past and defeat the demon Aku, was satisfactory to many fans. Even those who’ve never heard or remember Jack could just enjoy this as a dynamic mini-series; it gives you context of what happened before without having to recap the original plot of it. For non fans, it’s mostly about an ageless samurai, longing to return to his own time, stuck in the future for over 50 years to the point of losing his honor and his mind. It’s a binge worthy 10 episode season, originally intended to be a movie, and aside from polar opinionated finale, this made Samurai Jack feel great to love again.

1. TRUE AND THE RAINBOW KINGDOM

This is a personal choice from me because 2017 was an honest to god terrible year for me; nothing but turmoil, season to season, and the struggle to cope with that despair in a way I felt actually could help. However, this small series here boosted my spirits because even with it being a show for little kids that I originally wanted to watch as a joke, the competent, enthusiastic spirit it had just moved me in a way that cartoons that I love for eons could only try to do on a whim. It’s not the best made cartoon, it’s not something I sincerely recommend to you all, but it helped me realize that the best thing about life is finding and seeking things that don’t just distract you from the hard and testing times reality puts on you, but gives you a moment of honest bliss and happiness that can influence your outlook on looking forward to better things because things like this, cartoons like this, CAN make you feel better.

*sniff* Which is why, the actual cartoon of the year....

1. is STEVEN U., BABY!

Just kidding, guys! You will NEVER win, Steven!

TEEN TITANS GO! WINS IT AGAIN, BABYYYY! ONCE AGAIN BABY (i don’t even like it no more...), YOUR NEW FAVORITE SHOW (i don’t even fucking like it no...) RISES TO THE TO-

But Steven Universe in Space, though. That’s when it’ll be great again.

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imagine-shenanigans · 6 years

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Matchup for :> anon!

Can I have a matchup for Awakening/Fates? I'm a girl whos willing to date anyone that i get along with. I usually try to be cheerful when I'm with other people and I like to pull some small pranks my friends as well. I do tend to get more grumpy and pessimistic when i'm alone since I end up overthinking alot of things, and I also have low self esteem since I constantly compare myself to my friends. I have a tendency to hoard small things that just pile up in my room or workspace. (1/2)

I also tend to wear a jacket everywhere since I get cold really easily. Also, the jacket usually has at least 4 pockets that I can store items in until I drop them into my hoard. I'm also not the most expressive so I tend to bottle up my emotions that I don't like. Around my s/o I'd probably be kinda awkward since I'm not really used to giving any type of affection. The most I would do is try to draw or handmake a gift for them. I also like to spend quiet time with them relaxing. (2/2)

I just did awakening for this one, sorry! I was having trouble with the fates one so...

Awakening: Lissa, Gangrel, Vaike

For you, I picked Lissa as my top choice. This is because I feel like the two of you would just click on a base level, and possibly bond over pranking the shit out of Chrom and others. (Lissa takes the heat for the Chrom pranks, even if it was your idea. And the Frederick ones. Neither of them believe it but they just don’t have enough evidence to disprove it.) She has her own insecurities as well, so she knows where you’re coming from, and she’s very helpful! She just sort of naturally has this way of making you feel better, without even knowing because she just happens to say a lot of the right stuff. She speaks from the heart, so when she says she understands and starts saying all the things she loves about you and stuff? You know she means it. I’m one hundred percent convinced Lissa adores handmade gifts. I mean, she likes ones that have been bought too, but she prefers the homemade stuff, since it shows that you put the time and effort into doing something with her in mind, and it’s got much more sentimental value than if you’d just bought her somehting. I mean, she is kinda a princess, and while she appreciates the thought behind gifts more than the gifts themselves, she CAN sorta just buy stuff when she’d like. So, yknow, she likes the homemde stuff because she can’t buy the time and effort and thought you put into something for her.

Also, she totally thinks the hoard is adorable, and definitely will help get you shelves or something to show off all your items. She loves seeing the things you like.

She’d also not mind the affection being awkward, and would encourage you to show affection. She’d be patient though, and more than willing to initiate touches and such, as long as she knows that you’re awkward about it simply because you aren’t used to it, and not because you don’t like her. On that note, an issue I could very much see becoming a semi-to-pretty-big-problem is the matter of your insecurities. Lissa has quite a bit of her own, considering her brand never appeared, and she’s constantly comparing herself to her siblings and others, and she really just wants to do her best. I could see the two of you getting lost in your own problems, and possibly hurting each other, but, yknow, no relationship is perfect, and it’s simply part of being in one. You’re going to have fights, and you’re going to argue, and you’re going to be upset at each other, and that’s okay! It’s perfectly normal to do that (just.. not constant fighting of course) and healthy, so as long as the two of you take a breath, realize what’s going on, and actively repair it... things will be okay.

Okay onto the next ship, because I had a LOT of thoughts about Lissa.

If you’re okay with villains, I picked Gangrel for you. I feel like he would be a good match, considering he genuinely feels bad for the things he did while he let power go to his head, and abused it. He has his own insecurities, and although he’s not the best at it, he genuinely can’t fathom why someone as amazing as you would be insecure, when he’s such a big fuckup - like, it’s a miracle you’re even with him??? It’s going to be a point in the relationship that becomes an issue at some time, but the two of you will learn healthier ways to cope with your issues and come back stronger.

He’s the type who thinks pranks are great. He loves watching your handiwork play out, and will join in on the particularly harmless ones that won’t have people upset at him because it’s, well, him. (He’d totally join in on all of them, but he also doesn’t want to get in trouble...) He definitely loves to join in on the pranks when he can, and loves laughing at them with you, watching your teamwork come to life. He’s totally enamored with you, ngl. Speaking of, he’s totally in love with your hoard, and constantly tries to find things he thinks you’ll like (even if you don’t add it) and he’s almost always thinking of you. And while he’s definitely still just a touuuuch materialistic, he genuinely loves anything you get, or make him, because it means you like him! It means you were thinking of something he would want or like! And that means a lot.

He would probably be upset with your awkward affection (the hypocrite) because he wonders if you’re disgusted at the sight of him and don’t want to touch him (goddamn gangrel get it together man) but when you explain to him that you just... aren’t used to giving affection (and possibly receiving?) he has like, a lightbulb moment, and ends up hugging you and decides that from then on he’s going to give you SO much affection that you burst. You’ll have to tell him to back off a touch, but he just... loves you too much to let you go without receiving affection and even if you’re still awkward about it, he wants you to be comfortable around him.

I also picked Vaike as an option for you, on the chance you aren’t okay with villains, because he’s a decent fit in my opinion. He’d be half and half on the pranks you play on people, but he’d think they’re fucking great tbh. He laughs at them as long as they aren’t on him (which he’ll laugh about later, don’t worry) and he’d love the fact that you always have pockets. Man he’ll never forget anything now, because he can just ask you to carry it for him! Except his axe, that is....

He’s not without insecurites either, but they’re not too terribly bad. He’s awfully confident in himself, but he completely understands comparing yourself to others - I mean, look at his relationshp with Chrom. He’s trying his best to be the best, and he’s not one for words, but he hopes that he can help you, either by helping you by showing you how much he cares, or just by sorta saying whatever comes to mind. He’s a bit of a blockhead, so uh, just know he means the best. despite that fact he’s a dumbass.

With affection, he’s really big on it, so just tell him outright that you’re not used to it, and he’ll be more understanding! Not that he’s going to stop on his end, unless you explicitly tell him to (even then he’s just a big teddy bear... he cant stop hugging you when he sees you or throwing an arm over your shoulder with the biggest, dumbest grin)

Honorable Mentions: Cordelia, Cherche, Noire, Owain

I picked Cordelia fleetingly and on a whim, because it felt sorta cute, but her perfectionism just.. would not end well with you. The two of you would probably not click because despite her own insecurities, she’d probably jsut make you feel worse about yourself on accident, or unintentionally, while trying to help, or just by being her. I mean, look what happened with Severa... but that doesn’t mean she’s awful, it’s just I feel like you two would just end up not being good for each other.

I picked Cherche because she’s very caring, but... I felt she might suffocate you. She’s a very strong person, and although she’s not without some sort of insecurities, she’s very confident and I feel like you might be constantly comparing yourself to her. I mean, she’s strong, and brave, and she’s kind, and she’s incredibly skilled in the domestic arts, plus she has a dragon? You would probably end up seeing most of her good sides, and not her flaws, and it wouldn’t be very good. Cherche is also pretty confident, so despite any insecurites she may have, she might have trouble trying to connect with you on that level.

Noire is someone who has insecurities she knows about, and that she could connect with you on, but I felt like she might just end up too enveloped in how cool you are and how not she is, and vice versa. It’s just one of those ones where both of you are just insecure enough that you can’t really help each other. Which isn’t a bad thing! That happens and there’s no need to be ashamed of it. If you don’t click with someone, you don’t click with someone, yknow? I think the two of you could certainly be friends, once you’re in a little better place (both of you that is) or you jsut won’t. I feel like it’s one of those where you’ll either click instantly or just turn up with nothing tbh

For Owain, I picked him because he’s going to be able to connect with you over insecurities, and your pranks remind him of the times he and his mom would play pranks on family members when he was younger, so it’s really fun to have fun with you! He’s pretty loud though, and dramatic, and I wasn’t sure how you’d take that, but I think, just base personalities, you and Owain could really connect! But I also ship you with Lissa, so I could see this going either friends or you’re his parent sorta route, more than relationships, which is why I put him in honorable mentions. He’s very good, it’s just that I wasn’t sure about it yknow

#matchups #fire emblem matchups #ngl i'm in love with gangrel #yknow wha ti'm gonna #im gonna play awakening again just so i can fuckin romance that handsome bastard #i'm so fucking weak for villains

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scramblednoodle · 4 years

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Day 2 - Anxiety

This is a vent post; you have been warned.

I’m turning off the filters because I’ve been holding a lot of this shit in. And here is a comment born of anxiety: NO ONE IS GOING TO FUCKING CARE ANYWAY.

Please don’t message me that you do care. Please don’t. I know you do. LOGICALLY. But logic and anxiety DO NOT MATCH, and if you don’t grok this, then you need to think long and hard about what that REALLY means to people with this fucking malady.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I was hit by crushing anxiety because of an incidental interaction, that I can’t even remember the details of, just that it called into doubt NOT ONLY the individual interaction, but the cascading tree of causality of all branches of my own personal Yggdrasil.

I have anxiety, pure and simple. I worry about everything. I analyze and I double analyze and I triple analyze, and even when I set a course, I do so full of doubt. I think that people who don’t have to deal with this sort of anxiety lack even the barest hint of understanding on how deeply this affects those who do. This is not to say that they have not experienced or experience anxiety; those with the disorder just experience it at an exponentially enhanced factor.

This is Day 2 of my transition. I felt great yesterday. Almost euphoric. And by the end of the day a little...weird. I looked at the side effects of Spironolactone and Estradiol. The former wasn’t of much worry, but one side effect of the latter burned itself into my eyeballs: anxiety. And like a hypochondriac, it may have been the very suggestion of this POSSIBLE mental shift that began the spiral.

I began to question. Myself. What I’m doing. Who I am. Lingering thoughts from work intruded. Did I do the right thing? Did I make a mistake? Was my analysis of that DKIM question correct? Was my reaction to a campaign vendor out of line? Did I offend that random person in my last ticket update? I could handle it, though.

And then someone in one of the various chats I’ve been in did something that I had been thinking about, and what’s more, they did some of the things I’ve already done. And I think they did it better than I could, and they did it CASUALLY. What took me tremendous amounts of mental effort seemed to be a casual thing for them, DESITE them claiming they were new to this. What is wrong with my brain? Why do these things become a herculean struggle for me, when others breeze through them? Why can REVEILLE not be special? Why am I so mediocre? People must think I’m useless, worthless, a whiner.

What does anyone know me for, anyway? The trumpet? I suck at it. I practiced my heart out at it, and still I was mediocre. I couldn’t hack being in even a low-end, community symphony orchestra. I can’t hit the high notes in the funk band I’m in the way the subs could. The ESTABLISHED LEAD could not perform as well as the subs were sight-reading the parts. What the fuck am I doing there? I’m not a trumpet player, I’m a fucking hack. And all of these synthesizer, this music shit. I have such great ideas, and when I sit in front of these things, I stare. Or I make something, and it feels mediocre. It feels like I strayed from my original intent.

What else would anyone know me for? Posting excessive amounts of pictures of VRChat on Twitter? I can’t even get most of my fucking old friends to play the fucking game, so why would they fucking care about the “neat” things I do? Neat things that other people have already posted about. I’m retreading everyone else’s path. I don’t know why I fucking bother. Half the time in VRChat I’m horribly lonely anyway, and the great times that I KNOW happened are fully eclipsed by all the fucking times some asshole in that fucking rexie crowd stepped in front of me in a conversation as if I wasn’t fucking there. or the times in my protogen group that I said something that felt relevant, but turned out to be from an old fuckface that has nothing in common with these young, excited, optimistic kids. that That’s ALL I REMEMBER. I remember that I DIDN’T EXIST.

My art is awful. I don’t practice enough, but how can you practice when everything you touch is shit? I diddle, I dabble, and when I seek some sort of affirmation that someone appreciates my garbage, it’s always the same people. It’s like drawing a stick figure and your mom putting it on the fridge. At some point you realize she’s doing it BECAUSE YOU MADE IT, and that makes it special TO THEM. It SHOULD be special to me, that I mean that to someone, but IT DOESN’T.

I surround myself with STUFF AND THINGS because each little item has a dream associated with it, each item, EVERY ITEM, has a story not just about what I’ve already done with it, but an even bigger story of WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH IT. They will never happen. Look at this 3D Printed Toothless. “I will paint that someday” I say, but I won’t, because I would ruin it with my shoddy painting. “Look at this dull knife? I will learn how to sharpen this dull knife.” But I don’t because I’ll just scratch it and make it worse. Look at this Loopstation. I’ve made some fun loops, but I’m going to get better at it, I’m going to practice. But I won’t, because I KNOW that I can’t make it work the way it works in my head, in the story that I wrote for it. Look at this fucking trumpet I bought that costs as much as a new car, 4 top end fursuits, or a year of mortgage payments for someone in a “reasonably” priced home. The THINGS I COULD PLAY, but I FUCKING WON’T because I CAN’T. Because I’m TERRIBLE.

I love to dance. It makes me feel alive. The music just moves me. VR has been a blessing for this. I can dance whenever I want, to whatever music I want. And then someone shows up the other day and starts cutting loose. They’ve never even been to a fucking club. They watch YouTube videos. They just started doing it. Their energy is TREMENDOUS and overwhelming and I CAN’T COMPARE. I realize that I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING CLOWN when I dance. I preach to people that it doesn’t matter, that everyone looks goofy, that it’s okay, but I’m FUCKING LYING because everyone is looking at me and judging me and thinking how embarrassing it is that I’m even in the same fucking ROOM with them. WHY DO I EVEN TRY?

Do you have ANY IDEA how life is when EVERYTHING YOU DO is worthless in your eyes? It’s not that I THINK it’s worthless, it’s that I KNOW it’s worthless.

You want to argue? Fine. Logically, you are correct. There is a rebuttal for EVERY SINGLE ONE of these admissions, and a rebuttal for the hundreds of other issues.

My hair looks dumb.

I look stupid with painted fingernails.

I can’t drive very good, and people notice.

My musical taste is awful.

I’m doing a bad job raising this new kitten.

I did a horrible job raising Bean.

I did a horrible job raising Harley.

I’m terrible at physicality.

My cooking is mediocre and samey.

I’m fat and gross.

I’m ugly as shit.

I look stupid in a dress.

My makeup looks like a kindergartner with a sharpie.

I suck at all video games.

No one likes the books I read.

I like the MCU and that’s horrible.

I like Apple products and that’s horrible.

My taste in computer hardware is shit.

My taste in clothes is shit.

My taste in cars is shit.

My glasses look dumb.

I made a mistake the last time I got my eyes checked because I’m stupid.

Only morons have as many knives as I do.

My voice is awful.

My photography was a joke, and I was a fool to have ever thought anyone gave a rat’s ass about my photos.

People think I’m a useless stoner.

I drink too much and am a fucking drunk that no one wants to hang around with.

My various bands have me there because they don’t know how to tell me to hit the road.

My VRChat characters are unremarkable and beneath notice.

DO I NEED TO CONTINUE???

These are the random thoughts that went through my head in rapid fire in the past 5 minutes. It took me longer to type them, at over 100wpm, than it did for them to fill my brain with their toxicity.

Do you have any idea what that’s like? To have everything you’ve done, ever done, and will do be called into question ad infinitum? To second-guess everything you say, everything you do, even every thought that goes in your head? Now wrap your head around this part:

Every one of those thoughts goes through multiple iterations of “Is it real? No it’s not real. But what if it is? What if you’re wrong? It’s probably real. Yeah, it’s real. But is it real? What if it is? Maybe I’m wrong? Yeah, I’m wrong, it’s real. But what if you’re wrong about it being real? Maybe it’s not real? Yeah, it’s probably not real. But you could be wrong about that, too.”

Every.

Fucking.

One.

*deep breath*

I started this post with the intent to write a little bit about the anxiety I’d been feeling. Turns out, I was wrong about how much was in there. I have anxiety dreams on a regular basis, more times than I admit, and likely even more than I can remember. I was at a convention last night. As usual, I missed every event. As usual, I missed every friend. As usual, I was late to every party. As usual, there was an elevator. Usually the elevator goes tot he wrong floor, or dumps me off either at the top of a maze of hotel rooms, outside a giant building with multiple staircases, or in the service tunnels beneath the building.

This time to elevator fell.

And it fell.

I legit thought this was it. I was going to die in this dream.

The brakes snapped on, and I woke up.

I never got back to REM. Tossed and turned for a few hours. Tried my usual trick of counting backwards form 100. I would lose count at about 94. My brain just...disintegrated. Over and over, it fragmented, then reformed back at my anxieties. When I don’t sleep, I’m especially susceptible to anxiety and depression.

Case in point.

========================

I’ve been mulling over what I just wrote. I felt all of that, in the moment. It looks silly now, on paper, as it were. But that’s just another aspect of the anxiety. A coping mechanism, if you will. “You’re just being silly”. And as usual, I’m already getting brain-foggy over the things I said. I forget about it again, because that’s what the brain does: it suppresses trauma.

All I know is I was near tears when I wrote all of that stuff up there; I remember that much, very clearly.

That memory will fade too.

And anxiety says to me, to write “It will fade, just like everything about me.”

So I wrote it, and I pretend to myself that I don’t believe it. That I don’t feel that I am all of those things I wrote about above. That everything...is fine.

And, at least for a little bit, it will be. Those scores of thoughts will reduce to, oh, maybe 10. Not all will be toxic, but most will be a worry of some sort. A question. A question to myself, of myself, about myself.

Anxiety and Depression and ADHD and Mania and other “Mental Misfires” are not things that ever “go away”. I may wake up, and the dream may fade, but the harsh reality is that, no matter what meds, no matter how much therapy, if you have this stuff, the dreams will come back. The severity will come and go., but...

The dreams always come back.

========================

I’m out of steam. The fire is cooled. I’m done writing for now, and no one wants to hear anything else about this, anyway, least of all me.

Peace, y’all.

#anxiety #crushing anxiety

1 note · View note

tahlreth · 7 years

Note

How about ♠ with Starkquill? Please and thank you.

AN: This was so much fun! I’ve never written Peter Quill before, and honestly this prompt got me to finally watch GOTG. I’ve had it forever, but had never sat down and watched it. D: Terrible of me, I know. But I watched it to write this and OMG. I LOVED IT. Obviously I still have not seen the second movie, so uh... there’s probably wrong stuff in here? But I tried?

Also, this fic turned into a beast, and I maybe didn’t focus on the prompt enough. D: But I hope you like it anyway, @silver-twilight!

Beware of the ‘Read More’ thingy.

Peter had noticed Tony’s anxiety almost as soon as they’d met. It maybe wasn’t obvious to the unitiated , but Peter could recognize it easily. There wasn’t a person (or alien or experiment gone AWESOME) in his crew that wasn’t damaged or scarred in some way. They all had moments of panic, times when fear and regret took hold of them hard enough to reduce them to a pile of tears and the shakes. Peter’d had panic attacks before, and regularly found himself coaching his teammates - especially Drax and (strangely enough) Rocket - through their own. And while Tony wasn’t in a full-blown panic when they’d been introduced, Peter could see the warning signs.

He also noticed the way Tony’s eyes kept darting over to a stern faced man holding a brightly colored shield and the people standing behind him, a few looking actively hostile. Okaaaay… so there was probably some bad blood there. Like, maybe sorta like what had existed between him and Yondu. Because Tony was willing to stand with the group (the Vengeance Group or Renegades or something? he’d stopped trying to keep track of every team’s name) in the face of disaster, but it didn’t look like there was a whole lotta love lost between them. He could be wrong and regularly was, but he just got this sense that Tony was desperately looking for the blond leader’s approval even as he wanted that whole group as far away from him as possible.

Man, could he ever relate.

So instead of going on with the introductions, Peter stepped away from his own team, ignoring Gamora’s knowing groan and the way Rocket got his gun ready, and reached out to grab Tony’s hand. “Hey, I’m Peter Quill, better known as Star-Lord in the best, coolest parts of the galaxy. I was part scavenger, part mercenary and part thief before I became a hero - still am all those things sometimes. So I’m gonna steal you now, okay?” He waited just long enough to see Tony’s eyes go wide, but not long enough for anyone to protest. Laughing merrily at the start of this new adventure, Peter turned and pulled Tony after him, going through the members of his team - the team that would form a wall between them and any pursuers. He just hoped the Earth teams wouldn’t turn things violent, because they really kinda needed everyone alive to fight Thanos and his team wasn’t very good at holding back.

The way Tony was running behind him instead of trying to pull away or slow him down was telling. Peter was pretty sure he’d made the right call, especially when they rounded a corner and Tony started to laugh. Pride, warm and bright, took shape in his chest - part of him would always love making people smile. He was allowed to be in the lead all the way down that hallway, until another turn of a corner led them to an intersection. Peter came to a brief halt, furrowing his brow as he tried to make a decision. Just as he was about to do ‘eeny meeny miney moe’, Tony tugged on his hand and started down the right-hand branch. With Peter following instead of 'stealing’, their progress was quick without going into an all-out run again. He lost track of the turns Tony took and the stairways they used; he had the distinct impression that Tony was backtracking and going through hallways and stairwells they didn’t need to. Peter just wished he knew if it was to throw off pursuit or if Tony didn’t want him to be able to get to… wherever they were going alone.

Eventually they came to a halt, stopping in front of what looked like a flat, bare wall. After a few seconds where Tony did nothing but stare, hand starting to go clammy, Peter broke the silence. “I like it.” he announced, gesturing to the wall with their entwined hands. “Nice and sparse. I mean, I like a little more decoration myself usually, but… this is good too. You got nice walls, Tony. The Zry'Khul would love 'em.”

Tony, who’d startled when Peter first spoke, looked over at him. Though he was trying to look curious, his glazed eyes and quick, shallow breathing gave him away. “The what?”

“Zry'Khul. Nice people - weird hands though. Like… like crab-claws mixed with hooves, which is as weird as it sounds let me tell you. They don’t like a lot of decoration. I think it’s 'cause they can’t lift a lot of things - their dexterity is crap. So yeah. They’d like this very nice wall you’re showing to me.”

“Oh. Right.” Tony really didn’t look so hot; now that the adrenaline of their escape was fading, Peter’s attempt at distraction clearly wasn’t enough. There was sweat at his temples, and his breath was continuing to speed up. “I brought you here. It’s not-”

“Hey, you know what?” Peter let go of the man’s hand and held his hands up in a non-threatening gesture. “I just wanted to get you away, and it let me escape too. I hate long, boring introductions. If you need to do… whatever is probably behind there without me, that’s totally cool. I can just go away and not tell anyone about this really nice wall or give any hints about where you are. Or… if you want, I can go in there with you. Gamora hates letting anyone see her when she’s having a hard time, so if you don’t either, I get it. Drax likes me to be quiet and keep a hand on his shoulder, and Rocket doesn’t want to be touched, but needs me to talk at him. Groot… I don’t really know about Groot. That’s Rocket’s territory.” Tony was staring at him, so he gave the man a lopsided smile. “I do best when somebody touches me and lets me listen to my music. It’s soothing for the soul - keeps me from going to a real bad place in my head, you know?”

“I… guess?”

“I’m just… I just want you to know that whatever you need, it’s cool. Just let me know, okay?”

“I’m fine.” Tony told him defensively, eyes narrowing as he made an obvious effort to control his breathing. But he was still sweating, and it took only a heart beat before his eyes started to dart around the hallway again, showing way too much white.

“'Course you are.” Peter agreed amiably. “You’re fine until you tell me otherwise. Now do you want me to stay or should I head back to the absolute mess of suck I probably left behind me?” Tony’s lips twitched just a little, which Peter was pretty sure was a victory for him.

“… you can stay. Just don’t-” Tony paused, looking nervous, defiant and needy all at the same time. “They don’t know about this room. None of them. So don’t… if you could not…”

“Dude - your secret dies with me. Really far away too - probably in a whole other star system. So your secret’s gonna be pretty secure.”

Tony gave the smallest of nods, then bit his lower lip. “Fri? Open it up please.”

“Yes Boss.” The fuck-ton of weirder shit he’d seen that kept Peter from jumping at the sound of the disembodied voice. As soon as the lady-voice spoke, he heard the sound of gears whirring and parts moving. Before his eyes, the whole wall in front of them slid back a few inches, then retracted to the right enough to create a doorway. A low whistle left his lips, because he was impressed. Sure he’d guessed there was something behind the wall, but it was only because Tony had purposefully brought them there. If it wasn’t for that, he probably wouldn’t have noticed; the design was seamless, designed to make the eye turn away because it was just as bland as the rest of the walls around them.

When Tony grabbed his hand, the move was hesitant and the guy began to pull back almost immediately. Peter figured he was just afraid that the gesture would be rebuffed, so he quickly wrapped his fingers around Tony’s and gave a squeeze. “After you,” he told the other man gallantly before grinning. “I learned when I was just a kid to never go through a door first - never know who’s waiting inside to eat you.” Again, his humor didn’t seem to help Tony escape the panic he was experiencing… but it didn’t make his face go any more pinched either. Wouldn’t hurt to keep trying until the guy told him to knock it off.

Once they were through that little door, the wall closed behind them and a soft light filled the space. It wasn’t nearly as bare and boring as the wall that hid it. Peter could tell that Tony coped by tinkering, by creating, by doing. There were two workbenches on opposite sides of the sizable room. One had a chair and was full of finicky tech things that were laughably out of date even to Peter’s inexperienced eyes - though by Earth standards, it was all probably ahead of its time. The other workbench was larger but had no chair; it was clearly where Tony did some heavier lifting. He could make out a soldering iron lying amid bits of half-assembled creations. Peter wondered how many of them were ever actually finished, and how many designs were left behind once Tony was okay again.

Tony seemed reluctant to let go of Peter’s hand, leading him all the way to the first workbench. In fact, he slowed just enough that his side was pressed against Peter’s, and he could tell the man he’d stolen was someone who liked touch when he was having a hard time. Touch-starved even, maybe, if he always ran here to handle his issues and no one even knew about the place. The man came to a stop beside the chair, blinking several times. “I don’t have another one,” he said almost stupidly, eyes a bit glazed again. “I forgot-”

“It’s no problem. I don’t mind the floor - after the Kyln, everything else is comfortable, believe me. Or I can sit in the chair and you can sit on top of me. Bet I’m comfier anyway.” Tony shook his head immediately, so Peter held up his free hand again. “Just a suggestion. What you say goes.” Letting go of the man’s hand, he dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged, shifting until the bottom of his coat was fanned out around him and not pulling anymore. “This is totally good too. Do you need me to be quiet to work?”

It was an out - Tony knew it too, from the relief on his face. Whether he said 'yes’ or 'no’, it wasn’t about helping him calm down - it was about what he needed in order to work. Tony was 'fine’ with very heavy quotation marks, so Peter was sure he’d need the excuse.

“You can talk. Might not answer though. I’ve got… I have a lot of work to do.”

“Got it. Sometimes I talk to a tiny tree that just goes 'I am Groot’ over and over - even non-answers are music to my ears.” Tony watched him for a minute, like he was waiting for Peter to go 'gotcha’ and reveal how this had all been a trick. Peter just kept his most disarming smile on his face until Tony finally eased into his chair. Once he was sitting, it was like it sent a signal through his body and brain - he hunched over and hid his face in his hands, entire body beginning to tremble like a swarm of Slinrhs in a strong breeze. His breathing got harsher and quicker, and he was mumbling to himself though Peter couldn’t make out the words. He wanted to help… but Tony was 'fine’. So Peter waited for a little while, letting Tony have his moment… until he began to worry that Tony was going to start hyperventilating.

“So the floor is fine, but my back is killing me.” Peter offered conversationally, like Tony wasn’t having a panic attack a foot away from him. “Mind if I lean on you for a bit?” Tony stopped abruptly, going completely still and silent; Peter bit his tongue to keep from cursing himself. Still, he stayed quiet and waited, not wanting to take back the offer if Tony wanted it or make it seem like Peter had noticed Tony’s distress.

“Yeah. That’d fine. I need… I’m going to be working on some designs for a bit.” His every word was carefully measured and precisely spoken; Peter was sure it was taking the man everything he had not to fall apart. “You can… it’s fine.” Tony pushed away from the desk a little, and the chair squeaked when he turned to face Peter. “Gimme a blueprint, Fri.”

“Which one Boss?”

“Doesn’t matter,” Tony answered quickly, tersely. The lady-voice didn’t seem offended though, because a holograph sprung to life between Tony’s hands. The guy was definitely light-years ahead of the rest of Earth’s tech, which was awesome and impressive. He took it in, then made a point of messing with a few of the lines before glancing at Peter. “You can lean, if you want. I can work above you.” Again with the very careful words, expression striving for one of nonchalance and only projecting anxiety.

“Great!” Peter scooted close and turned away from Tony, then leaned back against the man’s legs. For a second he could feel Tony’s tension… and then he seemed to let some of it go as he also let out a long breath. He was still shaking though, and when Peter peeked up at him again, he could tell Tony’s breath still hadn’t slowed to its normal pace, and he was still sweating more than he should be. Tony had said he didn’t mind if Peter talked… so he launched into a tale about the time Gamora had been accidentally engaged to a Krylorian, and he only had to embellish a little. It took that story and half of another before Tony seemed to have calmed completely. He started talking back, and brushed his hands over Peter’s shoulders or hair when he did.

Neither one of them mentioned that Tony hadn’t done a thing more with the design he’d had his lady-voice project.

~.~.~

The next time Tony brought Peter to his panic room (ha, the term was even more literal than usual), there was a second chair. He didn’t comment when Peter sat in it, but his jaw did go tight. At first, he didn’t think much of it… but four stories in - most of them amazingly entertaining if he did say so himself - Tony still hadn’t seemed soothed in the slightest. So since Tony was still 'fine’, Peter casually mentioned that the chair wasn’t very comfortable and slid to the floor; Tony instantly turned his chair so Peter could lean against his legs. Almost as soon as he started talking again, Tony started to breathe easier.

The chair disappeared, and a cushion for Peter to sit on turned up in its place.

~.~.~

The first time Tony admitted he wasn’t 'fine’, his panic attack had started in the presence of the group as a whole. They’d been talking strategy and tactics against Thanos, and FRIDAY put up a very realistic projection of space as Peter and the rest of the Guardians talked about the way Thanos was likely to approach and what they and some of Tony’s unmanned suits might be able to slow him down. Busy discussing tactics with Captain America (who was okay, even if he and Tony seemed to have a lot of trouble communicating), he didn’t see the signs until it was too late. Even then, it was Rocket who suddenly jabbed him the ribs to get his attention, then directed it to Tony. Tony, who hadn’t spoken in five minutes - a long time for him. Tony, who was gripping the edge of the metal table so hard that it had dug into his skin - Peter could see drops of blood starting to drip down his palm. Tony, who was staring at the projection with wide eyes, pupils pinpricks - whatever he was seeing, it wasn’t in the room with the rest of them.

Now that Peter was looking at him, the attention of everyone else shifted to Tony as well. Maybe feeling the weight of their stares, the man came back to himself… only to start gasping for breath, face going pale as he cringed back in his chair. He had his left hand clasped over his heart, with the right holding his left arm; he must feel like he was having a hear attack. Tony wouldn’t answer when anyone spoke his name and didn’t react to touch either… not until Rhodey grasped his shoulder. The reaction was instant and violent - Tony turned and took a swing at the man Peter knew to be his best friend. He missed and fell to the floor in the process; once there he scooted until he had his back to the wall. Knees at his chest, arms wrapped around them so he could hide from the world, Tony continued to try and catch his breath, shivering and shaking terribly.

“Shit, I forgot - Tony I forgot, I’m…” Rhodey sounded distressed, but Tony wouldn’t allow him to approach… maybe because he was trying to talk to Tony from above him.

Peter slipped to the floor, then walked on his knees to Tony. “My back hurts.” he offered with no explanation to the rest of the room, most of who were watching with horrified fascination. Peter had a feeling Tony had hidden these attacks from all but a few of his team members, past and present. Turning around, Peter plopped down onto his bottom, then leaned back against Tony’s legs like they were in that hidden room. Tony shifted just enough to accommodate him, then buried his face in Peter’s shoulder. To help him calm down and shift the attention of the group, Peter regaled them all with the time Yondu had let Peter believe for weeks that they were fattening him up so that when they ate him the whole crew of Ravagers would get more than a mouthful.

Once it was over and Tony had stopped shaking, Peter stood and offered him a hand up. Tony took it and they left without a word. When Peter looked over his shoulder, he saw his team staring after them with understanding and empathy on their faces. Rhodes looked thankful, giving him a small nod when their eyes locked, and Captain America looked worried and made an aborted step after them. The door slid shut behind them, and they started toward Tony’s special, secret room. When Tony’s knees failed him halfway through the walk and he started to say 'I’m having a heart attack’ over and over, Peter scooped the man into his arms and jogged the rest of the way to that blank wall. FRIDAY opened it without needing to be told, and Peter smiled just a little. “Thanks lady-voice.”

“Of course, Star-Lord Quill.”

Instead of putting Tony in his chair, Peter brought the man down to the floor with him, settling them on the cushion. He kept holding Tony, though he shifted so that Tony’s back was to his chest and he could put his face in Tony’s shoulder like the man had done to him. He pressed one hand against Tony’s chest, over his racing heart, using it as another way to both comfort Tony and monitor the attack. This time when he started to talk, it was in a soft, soothing voice. He told Tony about the moments of quiet wonder he’d experienced on his travels, the things he’d seen that had awed him in a way most humans would never experience. Peter talked about all the beauty he’d found in his travel across the galaxy, though he did his best not to talk about space itself. He talked himself hoarse before Tony finally settled and his heartbeat returned to normal. Peter expected him to pull away and go pretend to work… but he didn’t.

Tony half-turned in his arms to tuck his head under Peter’s chin, then let out a shaky breath. “I’m not fine, Quill.”

“I know.”

“I can’t remember the last time I was.”

“I know, Tony.” He reached up with one hand to gently wipe away the man’s tears with his thumb, but didn’t otherwise draw attention to them. “It’s okay not to be fine sometimes. And it’s okay to tell people you aren’t.” Tony’s laugh was self-deprecating and miserable.

“I don’t think I’ll have to. They couldn’t have missed it after that shit-show.”

“They won’t think any less of you.”

“Wrong.”

“Well then I don’t think any less of you. I’d be totally cool with you letting me know when 'not fine’ turns to 'really bad’. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone if you don’t want to. And if you can’t tell me but want me to know, you can always have lady-voice tell me.”

“That’s not her name.”

“No, but she likes it.”

“I do, Star-Lord Quill.”

“You’re both ridiculous.” Tony sighed and shifted a little before turning his head and yawning against Peter’s throat. “I’m tired.”

“You can sleep. I’ll stay.”

“Thanks Peter.”

After that, FRIDAY usually found a way to let him know when Tony’s anxiety had reached a level where he needed (or just wanted) Peter. He and Rhodey talked a little, sharing tips and tricks. Peter learned to never touch Tony’s shoulders or head without warning and he mentioned that Tony seemed to like it when he talked about everything except the panic attack and why it was happening. Rhodey was pretty cool - Gamora seemed fond of him too, though she threatened Peter heavily whenever he mentioned it.

Thanos drew ever closer, but Peter made sure Tony didn’t have to attend the meetings that used the projections of space.

~.~.~

The first time they kissed wasn’t in the panic room. Tony hadn’t been having an anxiety attack or been distressed at all. The genius had been spending time with Rocket, both of them seeming to delight in having someone to talk tech and weapons to. Honestly, Peter was kind of worried (and really, really excited) to see the sort of stuff they’d come up with together. That day, they were all on the Milano, taking a bit of a time out from the other teams. Tony and Captain America had been arguing so much that the genius had stormed off hours before, Drax had just about come to blows with Spider-Man because of the kid’s jokes, and Natasha and Gamora had been eyeing each other with increasing hostility and ever-more-deadly weapons to sharpen in their laps. Peter was starting to get irritated with Hawkeye - his caustic personality just rubbed him the wrong way. Even Groot had started to get grumpy, his cheerful nature disappearing under very cranky 'Groot’s.

They’d all needed some air.

Tony and Rocket had already been aboard, getting along like a house on fire. It would have been irritating if Peter didn’t find it so heartwarming. He hadn’t ever seen Rocket take such a shine to anyone but Groot, and he liked seeing his friend excited and happy instead of snarling and hurling insults at the world. Part of it was probably Tony’s obvious respect for him - he never treated Rocket like an animal, didn’t make jokes about him being a 'rodent’, and would seek Rocket out for advice about tech - an acknowledgment of Rocket’s intelligence. Peter sort of wished he’d started out treating Rocket like that, with the dignity he deserved… but at least he’d gotten there in the end. All the Guardians had, and despite contentious beginnings, Peter thought they were one of the more solid teams that had come together to defeat Thanos.

To have Tony fitting into that group made Peter smile and feel sort of tingly in the regions of his heart and stomach. Tony and Rocket hadn’t even greeted them when they all filed onto the ship, too busy cheerfully debating the merits of focusing on damage or area of effect. Peter’d left them to it, clasping Drax on the shoulder before leaving him with Gamora - the ex-assassin would be able to help him soothe the last of his temper. Everyone would be hungry soon (except Groot, who seemed to live on sunlight and Rocket’s attention), and he’d like to keep the Guardians away from the Avengers for a little while longer. The Fantastic Four and the X-Men were only a little better, and Peter sometimes thought that maybe the Guardians were just too… different to fit in. They’d all been losers, freaks and criminals before they saved a planet. Even then, their quest hadn’t started out as any grand, noble gesture. It was them fighting desperately against the inevitable and managing to overcome the odds by sheer chance.

Even now, they didn’t really consider themselves heroes. They weren’t like the other teams, and that had to be why being around them for too long had all the Guardians getting a bit twitchy.

Shaking away his serious thoughts, Peter pulled on his headphones and pushed play - he could get lost in his mother’s music while he made them all dinner. He was so busy singing along and dancing between cooking them dinner that he didn’t realize Tony was in the room with him until the man took hold of the hand he’d just flung out in time to the beat. The food was ignored as they fell seamlessly into a dance for two; Peter even slid his headphones back around his neck and cranked up the volume so they could both hear the music. Tony sang right along with him, eyes lit up with joy, cheeks slightly pink from exertion. Song after song they danced and belted out, both of them slightly out of tune and neither caring even a little.

At the end of 'Come and Get Your Love’, Peter bent Tony back, making the man laugh so hard he nearly brought them both to the floor. He hurried to reel Tony back up, but Tony was trying to get there himself, and they both stumbled and lurched around the ship’s tiny kitchen, tripping over air and each other’s feet. When they finally, finally came to a stop, it was with Peter’s back pressed to the wall, Tony pressed against him, and both of them laughing hard enough to make tears come to their eyes. They kept laughing until they couldn’t breathe, Tony’s head on his shoulder and his breaths coming in soft pants that tickled Peter’s skin. After a few minutes, Peter started to run his hands over Tony’s back, head tipped back and eyes closed as he reveled in the feeling. He’d known he was attracted to Tony for a while, and he thought the feeling was mutual. Even if he wasn’t, he was always glad when he got to hang out with Tony outside of panic attacks. It was nice to smile and laugh with him.

Tony shifted and Peter looked down at him with a quirked brow; in answer, Tony gave him a sweet smile. He leaned up at the same time Peter bent his neck, and their mouths met in a perfect first kiss.

Or it would have been, if the food hadn’t caught fire and the smoke sent alarms peeling through the entirety of the ship. They laughed against each other’s mouths as the went to take care of the issue, moving in a much more awkward dance across the floor because they refused to let go of each other. By the time the attempt at dinner was extinguished, the rest of the Guardians were in the doorway of the kitchen, watching them.

They didn’t stop kissing while Drax congratulated them on their future copulation or when Groot started to tug on Tony’s pant leg, chiming in with cheerful 'I am Groot!’s continuously. Rocket jeered at them and Gamora said she would never understand human mating rituals, and they were still kissing. It wasn’t until Peter’s stomach let out a rumble that they finally separated. When he started dinner over again, Gamora teasingly towed Tony out by the ear, saying she didn’t want another meal burned to a crisp because of Peter’s distraction.

So Peter and Tony’s first kiss didn’t happen in the panic room, and they couldn’t seem to stop kissing everywhere once it had happened.

~.~.~

Tony wasn’t the only one who had anxiety. He wasn’t the only one who sometimes felt his lungs seize, who felt his heart start to stutter and gallop in his chest. Sometimes Peter remembered the last time he saw his mother, or all the fear he’d felt when he’d been kidnapped by Yondu and his Ravagers. Sometimes he remember the feeling of being unmade, his everything being unraveled and consumed by the power of the Infinity Stone. Sometimes he thought of Thanos, and was completely overwhelmed with the thought that Thanos might be able to harness the power of six of them. Before Earth, before Tony, Peter had handled his panic attacks the same way almost all the Guardians did - they latched onto the nearest member of the team to help them through it. They all knew how to handle each other’s attacks, and Gamora was the only one who wanted and needed to be away from all of them when her past and fears for the future caught up with her. Peter had preferred Drax only slightly - the hulking warrior didn’t mind casually touching him, while Rocket did it but was uncomfortable with it and Gamora could only bring herself to awkwardly pat his back.

Once he’d met Tony though, things had changed. While he would turn to his teammates if Tony was busy or otherwise unavailable, he mostly went to his boyfriend, who would lead him to the panic room. There they could cuddle on the couch that had made its appearance soon after their first kiss. Tony would run fingers through his hair and over his back; he didn’t mind that Peter sometimes held him a little too tightly. He wrapped himself around Peter and didn’t talk, because Peter wouldn’t hear him anyway.

With Tony as an anchor to the real world, he would sink into the music of his mother’s playlists completely. He let himself (and all his thoughts, all his feelings) go. Sometimes it felt like he’d ceased to exist, like he was part of the music, of the music was him. It was a feeling that was both strange and perfect, and usually he was ready to come back to the world by the time one side of the cassette tape had played.

The times that he wasn’t, the times that were so bad he came close to hyperventilating as soon as he heard the 'click’ that meant the music had ended, Tony always knew just what to do. He would shift the headphones off just one of Peter’s ears and speak quietly against it. Sometimes he would sing, and sometimes he whisper words of love and affection. If he was having a bad day of his own, he would ramble about his latest project as his fingers fumbled more clumsily than usual at the Walkman.

No matter what though, he always got it open and would turn over the tape, talking all the while so Peter wasn’t left hanging in silence. Once the Walkman shut with another 'click’, this one helping calm Peter down again, Tony would carefully tuck the player back in its proper place. Clever, calloused fingers would straighten and untangle the wires leading up to Peter’s headphones. Before he reached back down to start play, he always, always sang a short phrase that made Peter smile briefly before Tony settled the headphones back over his ears and Peter lost himself again

“Gimme the beat boys and soothe my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away… drift, drift away…”

It wasn’t exactly how that song was supposed to go, but that was okay. Peter thought Tony’s version was perfect for them.

#my fics #prompt answer #StarkQuill #Tony Stark/Peter Quill #Iron Man #Star-Lord #The Avengers #Guardians of the Galaxy #Tony Stark #Peter Quill

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autismus-obscurus · 7 years

Text

On self-dx

A while ago, someone asked me privately to tell them why I was clearly pro self-dx. It's a question I have seen a lot. It's a complex topic and there's a lot of misconceptions about what self-dx even is. Here's a slightly adapted version of my answer (under a cut so I don’t clog your dash). If anyone else has something to add, please do.

Also, TW: swearing. Sorry not sorry, It's just how I talk.

First off, we have to define what self-dx even is. Self dx is NOT googling "autism symptoms", reading one list, and the deciding "oh I'm autistic, lets go beg for pity". I can't speak for all autistics, but I don't fucking want pity. That's not the point of saying you're autistic. I just want to live without constant overload, okay? Lets go a bit more into detail: I’m very clearly pro self-dx, but I will not take someone seriously who takes one test and reads one blog post and then decides “I’m autistic.” That’s not how this works. Self-dx means hours upon hours of reading blogs, of reading articles, of checking the criteria again and again (cynically said, you're checking off a list, we'll get to that again later on), of asking autistics about every tiny trait you suspect could point towards or against it, of self doubt, of hope, of finding autistics spreading positivity or Autism Speaks / Autism Moms(TM) telling you you’re a monster. It’s emotionally draining as fuck. Self-dx is a search for identity. It’s trying to find out why your life is the way it is, why you are a certain way and how to cope with problems in a way that doesn’t do any more damage.

This line of thought goes in hand with another tumblr thing: Many people shit on self-dx because there's this nearly immortal assumption that people self-dx because it’s “cool” to be mentally ill. It’s not. Admittedly, teenagers are fucking weird and maybe some genuinely think they are ill when they are not, but I'm convinced that is the minority at best. Also, when we get to the point of preteneding to be sick that’s a legitimate disorder in itself. (Münchhausen or imposter’s syndrome. I've heard it called pathological lying, but that's quite a bit different and also a disorder that people cannot control and need help for.)

Let's look at a few statistics. In Europe 30% of people are officially diagnosed with a disorder under the ICD-10 / DSM-V. 75% of mental disorders start in adolescence (according to a German survey, BGS 98; here's also a link to the offical WHO page with statistics: HERE). The survey does not include those who are too ashamed to get help, who have no access to help, who are just not taken serious or have to fear abuse if it becomes known. Autism is not a mental disorder, obviously, but the staggering majority of autistics in the past was diagnosed as a child and face many of the same problems. (I’ll get to why the diagnosis age is a problem for autistic people in general in a second.) Now imagine finding a community of people who understand you, who can give you actually helpful tips, and you don’t have to reveal your identity. Anything classified as abnormal is still a taboo. People don’t believe you or make jokes about you. Example: I had to fight for an autism diagnosis because my dad, and I quote, says “there is nothing wrong with you”. No, there’s not, but I’m still autistic. That’s the mindset people apply to any neurodivergence. As to the matter of why so many people on the internet claim to be neurodivergent / mentally ill, I have a theory of my own. I can’t prove it, but it makes sense for me. Many neurodivergencies make it hard to go out. I’m introverted as hell, and often don't have the spoons to go out. So what do I do? I spend my life at home, browsing the internet. It takes me so much less effort to keep contact with people than if I had to go out and meet them. No sensory overload, nothing unexpected will happen. Meanwhile, the healthy people and extroverts are out and about having fun their own way. And, coming back to the community, on here it’s a lot easier to express your thoughts, especially on taboo topics.

Example: I think reading this text we can agree that my English (my second language) is reasonably good and that I’m a logical, intelligent person that can express arguments in an ordered manner. Right? Well, if you would be talking to me face to face, I would probably not make a whole lot of sense. I stutter, I lose trains of thoughts, I fall over my vocabulary, my pronunciation is often wobbly and then I will inevitably panic and make even less sense (this goes for talking in my L1 as well, in case anyone wonders). I’m not dumb, but face to face communication is hard.

Next up, the issue with psychologists and getting diagnosed. There is this pervasive notion that pschologists are The Authority (TM) who know everything and nobody else can be as good as them. Here's the thing: Psychologists are human. They’re not omniscient. And sometimes those psychologists are just shit. They can be sexist, and racist, and narcissistic. They can be condescending, and unable to admit they doN't know enough about a topic, and flat out ignore new evidence because it doesn’t fit their worldview. Go in the actuallyautistic tag. The amount of people who are dismissed by their therapists because this so called professional “has a feeling” they’re not autistic is ridiculous. Feelings don’t matter. Only the diagnostic interview matters, but the patients are denied that because a psychologist trusts his gut more than science. Without a decent self-dx it will be pretty hard to get diagnosed as a teenager or adult. On top of that, once you have learned to pass, autistic traits get lost or suppressed for fear of punishment. Often you have to convince them to test you with a detailed list that describes how you fit the DSM criteria. Which is by definition already a self-dx. "Oh, but psychologist are trained for that, surely they know!!!!!11!" I’m a psychology student. I just got an A in my clinical psychology class. I'll write my thesis in clinical psychology probably. The amount of diagnoses you have to learn does not allow to go in depth of anything. What a psychologist does is listen to you and check boxes on a list. (Sound familiar? I said we'd get there again.) We didn't even talk about autism. I did a presentation on it, found out my course teacher doesn't even know ABA is harmful (his point was "well the literature says it's effective"; Are You Kidding?). Our paedagogy prof spewed some ableist phrases pitying her friend that has an autistic kid. The perks of being an undercover autistic person :))) (That's sarcasm.)

To get back to the point: An ableist at worst, at best uneducated psychologist decides if you’re autistic, solely on what they have been told. The amount of posts that goes "I was denied diagnosis because I have good grades / are a girl / have friends / can talk" is ridiculous.

Example: I was in therapy three times until I was fifteen and NONE of them got the idea I might be autistic, despite me showing pretty severe symptoms. I had to self-dx and then convince my therapist to test me. I only even got that idea because we watched Rain Man in school. Seriously? Who knows you better: You or a psychologist you know for an hour?

Okay, before I get carried off, all of that assumes you actually get as far as being tested. To get there, it requires parents to listen to their kid. Parents typically don’t want anything to be wrong with their kid. (There’s nothing wrong with being autistic, but too many people still think that.)

Example: My dad still doesn’t believe I’m autistic. My diagnosis was four years ago. Because, I quote, “There’s nothing wrong with you.” No there’s not, but that doesn’t make me allistic.

The amount of stereotypes and ableist myths is staggering. Autism is one of the most misunderstood conditions I’ve ever researched. The DSM criteria are shit. They are, since decades, based on boys. They’re very limited, and while not wrong, describe things in a way that makes it hard for people to find "atypical" examples (stereotypical interests = trains). What about girls obsessed with horses? Nobody thinks that’s abnormal, yet it’s very possible. There are still a ton of people who think girls cannot be autistic, or if they are, to use the ableist principles this idea is founded on, they have to be “low-functioning”. The truth is, even the diagnostic interviews can’t pick up on autistic girls very well, that is a known fact. (Look at this link for example: HERE) I have most of those posts tagged either as info or ableism, but I don't have the spoons to check right now and my internet is shit.) To paraphrase the article and the other sources I know: Most autistic females just fly under the radar because they’re better at adapting and hiding it. That doesn’t have to be a conscious effort, but it’s exhausting, and then you sit there as a teenager and wonder why you’re feeling like shit because you never learned healthy autistic coping machanisms (or got punished for them).

Example: I didn’t learn of stimming, of dyspraxia, of sensory processing issue and literally everything that had defined my daily life until I found the autsitic community. I don’t think my therapist ever heard of that and I was labeled too “high-functioning” to actually get help. I managed, and back then I was fine, or thought I was after the depression wore off. I’m paying the price for that now.

People of color and women are severely mis- and underdiagnosed in literally everything medical. Teenagers are very rarely taken seriously, especially girls. Some people don’t believe autism exists at all. Now, assume somebody has understanding parents or teachers or is an adult, and could, thoretically go to a doctor to get diagnosed. Because (paraphrasing the original ask here) by validating self-dx we only push the notiion that you don't need a doctor to be diagnosed (which is again the Autority Lane (TM)). Well, yes, it would be preferable to get an official diagnosis, for the accomodations alone, but there is a shitton of reasons not to.

Example: I am currently undiagnosed. How so? My therapist made a deal with my parents that we would not write down the diagnosis, to prevent it from bringing me trouble. At first I was like “that’s ableist bullshit”. It’s not. Well, it still involves a lot of ableism, but there are a lot of reasons why I have to weigh if getting a diagnosis is worth it, even though I clearly need the help right now.

Here is a list of good reasons why someone could choose not to get professionally diagnosed:

money (in Germany healthcare is mostly free, but in the US getting a diagnosis can cost several thousand dollar)

autistic people are at a much higher risk of abuse, and don’t get taken as seriously (see ABA therapy and Autism Moms)

With an autism diagnosis you can be instituationalized far easier against your will (that works with almost all mental diagnoses)

In Germany you will have a harder time getting an insurance, they will make you pay more and don’t provide certain services e.g. You want an insurance for when you become unable to work, you know, like almost everyone has? Yeah, forget about it, autistic people don’t get that.

It can be used against you when you get in a fight about your kids’ custody

Medical ableism is a thing. You can have everything from a cold to cancer, from depression to borderline, it’s all The Autism. Autistic people are often seen as not having enough insight into their own body and mind to judge their own body (just like women, so as an autistic woman you're fucked twice as much :))) )

Getting a job outside of “supportive” businesses (read: they want Rain Man. They’re IT businesses who want autistic programmers and engineers, everyone else is pretty much fucked.) will be almost impossible. Autism is a disability and nobody wants disabled people past what the necessary quota is.

In the psych field there are no officially diagnosed people I know of, one researcher’s work was discredited when it came out she was autistic. I was already warned several times that I should hide my autism if I wanted to get a job at all.

basically, people are shit and can and will use your diagnosis against you

Lastly, I don’t really understand why people are so hateful towards the self-dx crowd. I can’t prove that there’s no black sheep, but most of them are people who look to improve their lives and better their mental health. Let’s put it like this:

The anti-self dx crowd: Only psychologists can tell if you’re autistic. Self-dx: I think I’m autistic. Antis: How dare you! I can clearly tell you’re not autistic. Fuck off, faker.

Call me cynic, but that is the core of reason most anti-self-dxers apply. Who the hell gave them the authority to judge other people? How do you know what a person is going through from reading two posts on tumblr? This isn’t some elite club. That kind of thinking ostracizes us even more when we alread have to fight so hard to be allwoed to live. Who are the self-dxers hurting? The ableists treat us like shit anyway. And honestly? I’d rather let in five fakers than have an autistic person suffer alone because of they can’t “prove” they’re autistic.

Dev out.

#actually autistic #self-dx #ableism #discourse #autism #aspergers

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