#that's my rheuma thinks anyway

[venerers]

i'm extraordinarily normal and psychologically well over clarence and kay

songs 1-12 (as of the posting date) are about asphodel helix kay. these are relatively self-explanatory: they're all songs about being kind of a cunt. i.e. they're all sort of self-confident, high-tempo, bitchy songs you'd find on a tumblr sexyman villain playlist. like i'm so serious. XS rina sawayama "call me crazy call me selfish i'm the baddest and i'm worth it." do it all the time idkhbtfm "we're taking over the world one kiss at a time." this ain't a scene fall out boy "i am an arms dealer fitting you with weapons in the form of words." YOU UNDERSTAND what asphodel helix kay's vibe is. THIS DOESN'T NEED further explanation.

the only real "outliers" i guess are a beginner's guide to faking your death which is up first because kay faked their own death before taking the former heads of shade co. out and reinstating themselves as the boss in their place. and akasaka sad because i think it's a good reflection of how dissatisfied kay really is with their position/how much they really "miss" being with their family/in a more stable position prior to the ruin. and how bitter they are about the fact that they've been essentially forced away from anything they'd ever consider close to a home EVER. and they're repressing that SO HARDCORE trying to enjoy the position of power that they've fought so hard for but they can't because they think their life is empty and hollow and fucking sucks. Anyway next

13-25 are for asphodel helix clarence. I'M SO NORMAL ABOUT HIM. anyway. i think a lot of these are also pretty self-explanatory. they're a lot more miserable-sounding than the kay ones for sure and most of them have to do with like... either (i) not having full control over yourself/other people's perception of you or (ii) being subject to incredible intense violent urges that you can't really control. contrast voice tacitly "when you look at me, who do you remember?" and panic switch silversun pickups "when you see yourself in a crowded room, do your fingers itch? are you pistol-whipped?" and you kind of get the vibes of everything here.

other lyrics that are particularly of note include daywalker CORPSE "i prayed to god and then i went to sleep with bloody hands" <- hardest lyrics in the world that deserve better than being in a shitty machine gun kelly song and emotional machine marina and the diamonds "i'm a machine, an emotional being / ever since i was a teen, cut my feelings off clean" which is SO on-the-nose and lame as hell but By God do they make me think of clarence "i started SHing in middle school because i needed to hide my feelings from other people and now i stopped SHing but only because i can unleash my unbelievably powerful urge to Harm Something on other people" rheuma.

there's some other incongruous songs on here that i'll make a quick note of. heads will roll is there because it's the epitome of clarence's music taste and i thought about taking it off this playlist when i was cleaning it because it's not really "clarencecore" but i couldn't bring myself to do it. venetian blind man is there because clarence is blind. Next

26-43 are all just General Controlshipping Songs. ummm i think that these song choices (i made them) are kind of delusional. like they only exist in the context of hyperspecific amvs in my head. as follows:

power & control is THE controlshipping song. This is where their ship name came from. "give a little get a lot, that's just how you are with love." "power and control, i'm gonna make you fall." "women and men we are the same, but love will always be a game." TELL ME TO KILL MYSELF. it just exemplifies their stupid crazy ass power dynamic so well i want to bite my fingers off thinking about it.

kiss with a fist because they fight while they're making out.

make it hurt specifically for the lyric "the safe word is jesus christ, you've said it all your life" & also just the general Toxic Relationship vibes of two people seeing the worst sides of each other and "wanting" their relationship to make each other worse.

virtual reality IS INSANE this is the controlshipping sex song. "my body needs a fingerprint every piece electrified, dance of danger in the sheets requirement unsatisfied." I HOPE THEY FUCKING DIE. This is clarence POV clarence feeling empty and lost and not opening up to anyone but kay both in public and in bed. I will kill myself over virtual reality by rey and this is a promise.

i'm not gonna lie i don't have a reason for putting oh on there other than (i) the thumbnail has X's and O's and i was like Holy shit just like clarence and kay and (ii) i think tadano kaede's original voice sounds like kay's voice and dongdang's voice/cover sounds like clarence's voice

"alpha dog and omegalomaniac" "you're not the first, or the last, but you're possibly the prettiest" This is kay POV talking to clarence LIKE I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT. It's just the casual crazy self-confidence of a kay song/the way that kay thinks about clarence. This is just vibes.

I actually have an insane tokyo ghetto mv pieced together in my head but specifically based off of jubyphonic's translyrics which i'm really mad at myself for. the lyrics read just like clarence hearing kay comfort them and just being unable to accept it. "'treasure what you have now,' they're pretty words but didn't mean a thing." like i specifically place this one in the months immediately following clarence first being picked up/"rescued" by kay and just being overcome by confusion & familiarity & the fear of "letting go" of the only thing he knows (violence). WHATEVER. anyway.

i don't have any explanation for "eat your young" -> "so much (for) stardust" they just give me Kay And Clarence Vibes. Like they just all feel like songs about them working together and beating each other up and hating each other and needing each other and being half-nostalgic half-frustrated with their pasts. You know

venom is there because chogakusei's remix cover of venom has a part in the center where the bass drops and there's a sound visualizer on screen and when i saw the blue/orange i unironically thought to myself "wow just like how clarence tops kay" and then i promptly dunked my head under a stream of cold water

donut hole is the most self-explanatory song in the world. when i try to count all my simple feelings i forget even the warmth you shared with me. all i remember is your face but i'm still so empty inside. suddenly my eyes opened up and your name is -- YOU GET ME. i don't need to say anything more. i think i've listened to every donut hole cover to ever exist on youtube thinking about clarence & kay and unfortunately the stupid ass english cover attached to a Marvel Stucky Fanvid goes hard as hell in my mental amv.

shadow, london beckoned songs about money, and little dark age are again just kind of vibes based. shadow because clarence is kay's "shadow," london beckoned songs about money makes me think about kay/clarence posturing in front of a crowd, and little dark age is just generally "asphodel helix" coded the two of them are so miserable together guys.

okay. FINALLY. 44-54 are for lethe's twist kostya. I think these are also generallyyyy pretty self-explanatory, they're all pretty miserable-sounding self-loathing songs or about kostya's unending devotion towards clair even though they want to kill themselves at the same time because of it. i think a LOTTTT of kairiki bear's songs fit them but i limited myself to just down timer & darling dance: down timer because the constant repetition of the regret/living in an awful life and the "i will do a good job!" phrase captures kostya's daily mental health so well, and darling dance because it's soooo crazily kostya blindly seeing clair as their "idol" and bending themselves/their appearance to make sure clair trusts them and doesn't leave them behind.

i will also make particular note of samsa by teniwoha because i think that song fucks like crazy. i place that one specifically in kostya's miniknog-prisoner era when they were being forced to "change" and were desperately trying to cling on to whatever sense of "self" they had left to find. i also reallyyyy like saltwater sky as an exemplification of kostya's insane paranoia at all times. "i think i need to cool off, ice down, block it out-out-out" is so kostya breakdown coded I'm serious. and hollow moon is about how kostya feels guilty for "digging themselves" their own grave and half-faking, half-seriously being dependent on clair to protect themselves and wondering if they deserve a life hanging onto clair's side OK IM MOVING ON I SAID THESE WERE SELF-EXPLANATORY AND THEY ARE.

55-62 are for clair. these feel like crazier choices than kostya's do so:

mesmerizer: "you're tailor-made for this day and age, because you're powerless and look like prey" is just so clair-manipulation coded it's insaneee. They would be the one behind the screen doing the hypnosis. They are the one trying to play the world around them like a game of chess. They need to kill themselves

igaku/medicine: i just like the image of clair as doctor teto in a lab coat covered in blood.

shinigami: clair is a loan shark and it's just so easy to imagine them being the person tormenting the businessman POV in the song itself. LIKE this is crazy this literally goes clair -> guy they're killing for fun it's so visualizable

i really like sphinx as a song and i needed it on this playlist too. "modern mummies are boasting, 'save me.' dyed with truth and beauty, you are hungry -- the protector whom everyone wishes for." it's so crazy it like fits the weird complex that all of clair's "employees" have towards clair as someone who both put them into the debtor's-prison that they're in but also who "saved" them from otherwise-worse lives by feeding them and protecting them under the name of Soleil, Incorporated. Clair is a loan shark but by GOD people depend on them for their livelihoods and for their LIVES too

boring & murder on the dancefloor are self-explanatory actually they're just both about how clair uses violence to sate their intense boredom with the world.

this is my playlist and i get to make the decision that monitoring deco*27 IS a clair POV song actually and the more i think about it the more it fits and the more it drives me fucking crazy. the first verse with clair encouraging kostya to cry to them??? the "let me take care of you," the "lean on me with your whole weight, toxic love -- how sick is that?" the "you're all alone, that's why i'll sing 'you're not alone.'" the "i know you're absolutely capable [of taking care of yourself], weakness when hurt, i love you like that too" I WILL KILL MYSELF. it's literally perfect i love clair's yandere complex wanting kostya to depend on them and absolutely nobody else. i need to redraw clair in the monitoring mv i need to see them like that so bad I'm Normal

63-70 are Lethe's Twist Controlshipping Songs. LTCTRL or left-control or controlshipping to the left, as they might say. anyway. I actually don't have that many comments to make about these i think you take one look at loveit next to schadenfreude next to toxy and you 100% understand these are just like evil toxic relationship yandere songs man. the only one i'll make a point of is loving la vie en rose because i've been looping it so much recently it's making me lose my damn mind. "when we dance, it's like flight, it's like light / when he smiles, i'm alive, such delight" against the EVIL ASS background music drives me NUTSSSSSSS it's literally just clair and kostya talking about each other. i see it more as clair POV -> kostya reveling in every emotion kostya ever expresses living vicariously through their favorite pet and their ability to actually Feel Things but it applies the other way around too with kostya trying to convince themselves that they Belong with clair that This Is La Vie En Rose it's such a good damn song. Oh my god

71-74 all specifically apply to venery kay I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ANY SONGS ON HERE FOR VENERY CLARENCE but that's just because (i) i have an entirely separate playlist for venery and (ii) a lot of music i WOULD associate with venery clarence (control, emotional machine, boring, etc.) are already sorted with AH/LT clarence.

these are just songs about sex. i'll be so real with you. they just go here because AH kay is more restrained than venery kay is and LT kostya's only sexual release is clair. i mentioned before that rabbit hole is kind of indicative of kay's approach towards most relationships and that still holds true: they're very "devil-may-care," HATE the idea of long-term commitment (despite their loyalty to people who DO let them run free & understand that their desire to quite literally fuck around isn't a reflection of how much they "like" you, they just don't feel romantic attachment like that), but still like being able to "go home" to somebody and have people that they can genuinely rely on (read: clarence). "are you really gonna die as a virgin boy" is also just the most insane line to start a song with in the world and it's so kay-coded it's crazy. kay wouldn't slutshame kay would virginshame. Are you seriously getting no bitches Be real with them.

LAST ROUND. 75-81 are all "venery-coded"/about how kay & clarence would behave towards each other in a more normal setting outside of asphodel helix & lethe's twist. i think prime & can't stop now are just generally "clarence and kay fucking around" like they just remind me of them being in their 20s or in the protectorate academy/how they'd stick with each other through anything and cause problems wherever they'd go. Paper love & combat baby are more melancholic, i place these near the end of venery/around when kay would start realizing that maybe they shouldn't be in this crazy insane situationship with someone who needs to Kill People And Eat Them to survive. Delusion and songbird are postcanon kay coping with losing clarence & forcing themselves to move on despite their grief... the bittersweetness of loss and the everpresent sense of nostalgia that they feel... i'm still hashing out the themes of venery but especially in postcanon it's supposed to mirror the "come-down" after a hunt/after being high on adrenaline for so long and the strange emptiness that follows. You know.

anyway. In conclusion. I think we should all kill ourselves. i used to have an older controlshipping playlist that i'm sure i lost some songs on but it'd just gotten so polluted with music that i was really into at the moment and forced in my head to connect with clarence and kay that i had to delete it and start over. I'm so sure that the same phenomenon will happen with this playlist too but i've been keeping it clean so far and it's So nice and organized now. Guys i kind of hope clarence and kay get the fuck out of my mind because WHAT ARE they doing to me. WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME

one day i'll sort and deep-clean my controlshipping playlist so that i can make an insanely long unhinged post explaining why every song i chose to put on there is on there

[thattheatretrash]

hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

[amyjacob]

i just read that today is the “international day of persons with disabilities” so i just wanna say i’m glad i’m disabled. i hate it but i have made so many great friends and experiences and i wouldn’t be the person i am today without my disability