#that's an impossible choice to put on a 14 year old

[paxbe]

while it's not exactly great that joel lied to ellie about the fireflies, what it did do was save her from having to live with the knowledge that every minute she's alive is possibly at the expense of everyone else on the planet

[i8h0on]

is it over now? — yang jungwon

synopsis: after being gone for a year, y/n returns to her hometown, seoul. with the aim of recovering her lover, jungwon, she takes the risk of going to a party with her best friend. is her love lost forever?

genre: angst, literally

warnings: lots of swearing. mentions of alcohol, sex & smoking.

word count: 7.5k

﹒˚ ₊ ︵﹒⊹ ๑ ︵︵ ๑ ⊹﹒︵

I COMBED MY HAIR for the twentieth time that night, trying to disguise the frizz starting to build up in my long, black hair.

the big white clock on the glittery wall of my small room read 8:30 p.m, and nari, my best friend, hadn't made an appearance at the front door, lacking even her usual honk – a playful annoyance i had come to expect. that only meant one thing: she was too busy swallowing heeseung's mouth to remember to pick me up.

gazing into the mirror, i observed my precarious false eyelashes, a skill i'd mastered over time, now unstable, poised to detach. the subtle pink gloss on my lips was barely distinguishable from the natural color of them, and my blush made me look like i'd been slapped in the face. god, when did i get so bad at makeup?

reminiscing, i once held the title of sephora's most loyal customer, just as i dominated every store that tested my mom's credit card limits. however, that was all before she whisked me across the country. precisely one year ago, i hastily packed everything, boarding the first train to busan – akin to a real refugee. was it foolish? perspectives vary. the optimal choice? perhaps not. regret? not in the slightest.

my mother took me to a small village in the hills, where people didn't live so much with materialistic things and the atmosphere was more conservative. my appearance, in turn, was much lighter and more natural while i lived there. that’s probably why now i couldn’t even use a bronzer without looking stupid. it seemed that all the beauty tricks i had learned from vogue had gone down the drain.

i was too focused on correcting my dark circles with concealer when a sharp, deafening horn blared through the house, causing me to shake completely at the sudden sound and nearly go blind from the concealer that had stuck to my eye. nari, that bastard. she knew what she was doing.

— tell her i'm coming! — i shouted downstairs with no response.

i hurriedly grabbed my bag, put everything i thought i needed into it, put on my coat, took one more look in the mirror and flew out the door.

when i got to the living room, i saw my younger sister, iseul, propped up on the big mint-colored sofa munching on chips and watching "the penthouse" for the twenty-fourth time. this 14-year-old brat never did anything at home.

— could you, hum, for the first time in your life, be useful for something other than finishing off my chips? — i warned her. the youngest just gave me a debauched, childish look.

— you've been back for less than 24 hours and you already want to be the housewife?! relax, sis. — the audacity!

— when mom sees this greasy sofa, i want to see who's going to relax. — i hastily closed the door. i knew very well that my mother would go crazy when she saw it. the chips weren't even hers, dammit.

iseul had always been a cheeky child, but i never thought that a year away would make her any worse. she was impossible to live with, and i hadn't even spent that much time with her since i arrived, but it was enough to find her unbearable.

i ran over to nari's car, the black hyundai was still exactly the same, although it had a few more scratches than usual. nari loved to go on adventures, she was crazy.

i opened the car door and the familiar smell of vanilla filled my nostrils. so many memories in this car, my god. it seems like yesterday that my first drink ended in vomit on these very seats, there's still a little brown stain on them. and that time we ran afoul of the police for attempted trespassing? that was definitely the best, don't ask me why. we were very angry and annoying teenagers, at least under the influence of alcohol.

— y/n, my love, how i've missed you! — nari practically swallowed me up in a tight, cozy hug, and i don't know how she didn't break her back the way she squirmed all over the front seat. i hugged her even tighter, i missed her so much. we talked every day by facetime during the time i was away, but nothing matched having my best friend in the flesh by my side. i had been looking forward to this moment for months.

i met jeong nari in the first year of elementary school, when before she was the best-known girl in the school, she was still the girl that wore glitter elastics and bottle-bottom glasses. she helped me rebuild my sandcastle when a stupid older boy destroyed it with his footsteps, and we've been inseparable ever since. nari was the funniest girl i knew, it was impossible not to burst out laughing when i was next to her. even in the worst, most inconvenient situations, i would piss myself laughing whenever she opened her mouth.

she was the kind of girl who didn't need to make an effort for people to like her, who attracted attention even without any intentions. unlike most of the snobbish girls at my school, who tried to make it to the top by being cheap copies of regina george, nari stood out for being the most generous, fun person ever. she could go to school in a sweatshirt and bobsponge pants and easily still be the prettiest girl there. when you needed her, she was just there. always there. that's why she was so well-known, so loved. she was a ray of sunshine in such a dark city. there wasn't a single day that i didn't admire her, she was the best person ever. the spotlight was always on her face, her gorgeous face. not only was she popular, she was also extremely intelligent, her place at seoul university was already guaranteed. she really had it all, she was everything.

and i... well, you could say i was just... there. unlike jeong, i was the most sociably awkward girl seoul high had. not that i was an 80-year-old who spent her free time reading books in the living room in front of the chimney, not at all. i was just...me. although most of my senior year knew who y/n was, i was mostly known "nari's friend". not that it bothered me at all! i loved going unnoticed, living my life quietly and not having my name on everyone's lips every weekend. that is, with the exception of this one, for obvious reasons. "nari's friend is back in busan after 1 year completely missing" will be in the local papers, if you doubt it.

— i missed you too, girl. — i kissed her on the cheek as i undid the hug, not even remembering that heeseung was watching the intimate moment. — hi to you too, man. — i smiled slightly while we shaked our hands.

— it's good to see you again, y/n. — he said, smiling. lee heeseung was the classic heartthrob from every cliché movie, easily having all the girls in the world at his feet with a wink. the perfect match for nari, literally. i'm not sure how the two of them met, i've only been told that another friend of ours introduced them and since then they've been stuck together with permanent glue. cute. too cute.

i snuggled into the seat, preparing myself for the short journey. we were going to my supposed welcome party, according to nari herself. but in reality, i knew it was just another of jay's weekend parties at his luxurious mansion, and they'd taken the opportunity to stick me there. seriously, there weren't even enough people who knew me to fill a party in a house that size. but i was grateful for the attempt.

i spent the whole trip gossiping with my best friend, and surprisingly heeseung, about my boring and uninteresting life in busan for the whole year. unlike normal teenagers, who used to have the best experiences of their lives when they went to another city or abroad, i had nothing. as always, my life was so boring. the most exciting story i had was when i had to chase a flock of sheep down a mountain and almost died. wow. they couldn't even hide how sorry they were that my year had been so bad, even though nari made hilarious jokes about my misfortune. they also gave me all the updates about our (un)loved classmates, and no chance that yerim from english class was pregnant?! and that miyeong had cheated on her boyfriend with her neighbor?! i swear, my school was definitely not normal. about three hundred rich, snobbish teenagers together in one place, who even thought that would be a good idea? every week there was a new scandal, it was pure chaos.

another ten minutes or so and we arrived at the park house, music blaring from inside. i was always impressed by jay's ability to convince his neighbors, all of whom were just old men who surely went to bed at eight o'clock at night, not to call the police. when i was little, even using my little ukulele in the garage at four in the afternoon caused problems. having money has its advantages, i guess. we all got out of the car after nari parked.

— now, let me look at you properly, girl. — nari picked me up and spun me around like a doll, making me dizzy with so many pirouettes. — oh god, you look so gorgeous!

and look at that ass! have you been exercising, like… mountain climbing? — she joked, making me turn redder than i already was with that ridiculous blush. while she thought i was hot, i thought i was a bit fat, but i would never confess that out loud.

she looked at me like a proud mother, as if i were her baby who had just taken her first steps or said her first word. she was just like that, more dramatic than usual. — seriously y/n, you look more beautiful than ever. — the girl repeated, and if i didn't know better, i'd swear that her teary eyes were real. i didn't understand what all the compliments were about, after all, i didn't look very stunning. i wasn't wearing anything extravagant or attention-grabbing. i was wearing a black mini skirt, which was almost not mini at all, a white corset that was almost crushing my bones, and a black leather jacket. the most basic outfit you could wear for a night out. there must have been at least ten girls in the same outfit as me in there. probably more attractive, but still.

i even tried to dress up a bit more and try to look more attractive, but the sequined dress made me look like a mirrorball, not to mention all the other dresses i tried on and they all made me look like what i did best: pathetic. i just gave up on the idea, preferring to go in a more comfortable way. well, apart from the fact that i wasn't very comfortable. but if i really came the way i wanted, i'd be laughed at. who would wear a minnie sweatshirt to a party? one way or another, as soon as i stepped inside that mansion, i was going to seriously regret my fashion decisions by comparing myself to the other girls, it was something habitual already. i didn't even have to go in, because the dress nari was wearing, which made her look like a real angel, made me regret ever coming. i was just...me, again. at least my clothes were good, but they weren't outstanding, like always.

i breathed heavily as we headed for the door, nervousness taking over my body once again. y/n, it was just a fucking party. a party that, by the way, didn't even focus on me. all i needed to do for the next few hours was smile and pretend that my months away had actually been interesting. as i was the most awkward girl ever, it certainly wasn't going to end well.

heeseung opened the big door, and the music that was already blaring throughout the condominium just blared in my ears, making me almost deaf. i walked down the long corridor with great difficulty, having to apologize every time i took a step for accidentally bumping into someone. for god's sake, there were at least a thousand people there. how could a place full of hormonal teenagers, dripping with sweat and with disgusting alcohol breath, attract anyone? well, i couldn't answer, because i only knew the answer when i was already under the influence of shots of vodka. while the alcohol wasn't injecting itself into my veins, which was when i become a completely different person, i just sat on the sofa, waiting for someone to talk to. i only became sociable under the influence of alcohol, something i started using to try not to be so introverted. needless to say, it went horribly wrong; i even had my stomach pumped. my parents still won't talk about it. fair enough.

i sighed heavily for the thirtieth time inside that house, when we passed the death row and saw someone we knew. it was none other than park sunghoon, one of heeseung's best friends and also one of the best ice skaters in high school. as well as being talented, he was also very attractive, although his jokes were never funny. we hardly ever exchanged a word, only in biology lessons from time to time, when he didn't know what page was in the book. apart from these interactions, i rarely spoke to him, but we had many friends in common.

— nari, heeseung. — the tall boy announced, greeting the two as if they were great partners. i mean, they really were, i just wasn't aware of his sudden closeness to my best friend. he looked at me, as if i were some kind of exotic animal he'd never seen before, and smiled after a while. — y/n, i see you're back. did you like boston?! — he said in a calm voice, barely able to understand his words in all the noise.

— busan, i went to busan. — i said out loud. boston?! for heaven's sake. he looked at me, his pupils more dilated than the milky way. well, at least he hadn't changed one bit. even though i wasn't his friend, all the students at seoul high knew about sunghoon's love for weed. and it was clear to see. he started laughing at himself. — yes, that's it, busan... did you like it?

i forced a smile, trying not to look unpleasant. — you have no idea. — he nodded, even though i was sure he hadn't heard a word i'd said. but it was okay, he seemed too drugged to understand, or drunk. i felt sorry for his stomach. and for him too, the next day he was going to wake up with a head heavier than a stone.

he exchanged a few more words with lee and disappeared like dust into the crowd, leaving the three of us alone again. nari approached me.

— hee and i are going to talk to the basketball team, do you want to come? — i tried my best to understand, the seoul accent not helping my thinking. the basketball team, although good at what they did, were too noisy for my liking. when they weren't disturbing everyone's class with the noise of their balls on the court, they were making a complete mess of the school corridors.

— no thanks sweetie, i'll be fine here. — i lied. no, i wouldn't be fine over there. i hardly knew anyone, not well enough to hang out at a party for a while. i wasn't even planning on drinking that night.

— are you sure?

— yes, don't worry, i'll call you. — i reassured her. did i even have a battery in my phone? i didn't even bother to check it before i left the house, what a responsible daughter i was.

she just smiled at me, probably tired of screaming in my ear, and the couple disappeared. i was completely alone now. i looked around. rihanna's "don't stop the music" was blasting everywhere, while all i could see was people rubbing up against each other. gross. i preferred to leave that pornographic scene and headed for the kitchen. well, at least the kitchen i remembered being in the house. i'd be pretty screwed if he'd changed the rooms.

i was hoping that the situation would ease up a bit in the kitchen, but it was the same, if not worse. people making out, kegs of beer in every corner, drinking games, some questionable attitudes, just another normal night in this house. i headed for the sink, where i hoped to find fresh water, which was all i needed at the moment. i don't know if i needed a glass or a whole barrel of it, but i definitely needed it. i filled a plastic cup, which was certainly covered in sexually transmitted diseases or questionable fluids, with water. i drank it in two seconds, not even realizing how thirsty i was.

i was about to put the second glass in my mouth when someone spoke up next to me.

— y/n. — someone spoke, and i immediately recognized that voice as more annoying than my algebra teacher. it was nishimura ri-ki, my seatmate. the most annoying person on this planet, universe if you ask me.

— in flesh and blood. — i tried to sound as nonchalant as possible with my answer, certainly failing. ri-ki was not only the most annoying person in the world, but also the most chatty. his soul was like that of a gossipy old lady, always talking. if she even said anything at all, it was only to pick on me.

— i can see my daily rest is over. — he said in a tone that was too sarcastic for my liking. i raised an eyebrow.

— i beg your pardon? who spends all their lessons talking about their lego cars instead of paying attention? — i asked, intrigued. he just laughed, something that wasn't very common in our regular conversations.

— that never happened. — he said resolutely. of course, it never happened. just as it never happened that he almost got kicked out of class for painting his fingernails. it definitely never happened.

— yes, ri-ki, that never happened. — he looked at me strangely, i probably looked crazy. his expression softened, and he quickly walked away with a slight smile.

— enjoy the party.

did nishimura ri-ki just smile at me? not to make fun of me, or laugh at my misfortune? boy, things were different around here. very different. i decided not to make a big deal out of it, i just assumed he was drunk too. i leaned against the bar and looked around, anxious for the time to leave.

i was bored, trying to recognize the faces around me, which by the way were all the same, despite slight changes, like how wonyoung was blonde or how jeno had stopped wearing his glasses. strange. i analyzed every corner of the room, remembering everyone who was there. i knew all the details of their lives, but they didn't even know my surname if they were lucky. if i hadn't become friends with nari, i probably wouldn't even be allowed in here…but god must have blessed me, he knew i'd been through enough humiliation. but it was still a bit of a shame. sitting on a balcony completely alone while everyone else seemed to be having the time of their lives wasn't much fun, nor was it new. it happened almost all the time, especially when i didn't have nari to distract me.

i was about to fall asleep leaning against the fridge when something caught my attention. in a far corner was a large group of boys, probably athletes due to the width of their shoulders. just like everyone else in there, they were getting drunk and definitely laughing out loud at something that shouldn't even be funny. it was a huge group, about 15 guys. i watched each one, fully remembering everyone. they were almost all part of jay, sunghoon and heeseung's group, which, by the way, was the most popular in high school. surprise? i don't think so. it was too clichéd, it felt like i was in a cheap version of high school musical. i'd like to believe that i was gabriella, but deep down i know that i was just an extra in other people's lives.

jesus, even that boy who barely opened his mouth, lee sohee, seemed to be integrating very well into that circle of friends. and soobin... hadn't he been transferred? i needed to catch up on the gossip urgently.

nothing was catching my eye apart from the large hickey on one of their necks, which didn't shock me at all, until i laid eyes on one of them.

suddenly, it felt like an electric charge all over my body, every hair standing on end. my heart, which was already heavy, accelerated to its maximum, bringing me close to a heart attack. it was like losing all the strength in my muscles at once, only not collapsing thanks to the support of the wall behind me. my lungs were deprived of air, causing me to gasp within seconds. it wasn't just any teenager, it was him.

his eyes met mine, and i could have sworn that for the tiniest second, the whole house fell silent. as if all the walls had shrunk and were crushing both my body and my soul. it was really him.

yang jungwon.

even in that dark crowd, i could see his features perfectly. my god, he looked exactly the same. perhaps a little darker, but it was still him. completely him. not an evil twin or a trick of my own mind, it was him. beautiful as always. my heart almost leapt out of my mouth when his smile fell as soon as he noticed me, as if i had sucked up all the happiness. well, i technically did. not at that moment, perhaps, but definitely a year ago, when i disappeared without a trace. when i left him hanging outside my house for hours, while i was already in another city. when i didn't answer any more of his messages. when i literally took his pure heart and shattered it into a thousand pieces.

the eye contact, which made me sick, only lasted a few seconds, as he immediately turned to his friends. but it was enough to make my emotions run wild. the regret of being there only tripled, i was about to throw up. all the memories of my actions were turning my stomach, it felt like i'd drunk a whole barrel of beer.

the world was about to collapse, i needed to get out of there urgently. i rushed outside, disoriented by the huge halls. i didn't even care about bumping into people anymore, i wanted them to fuck off. i just needed some fresh air to free my lungs, which were about to explode. i didn't have asthma, but i was faithfully considering a diagnosis. i ran in as clumsily as possible, narrowly escaping a glass of drink falling on me. don't these people have any manners?

when i finally reached a large balcony, it was as if a weight had been lifted off me. fortunately, i was alone. perfect. i sat down on the small purple sofa, crossed my legs and let myself sink into my thoughts. i was about to have a psychotic break.

yang jungwon, literally the love of my life, had pretended that my existence was null and void after a year without any contact. i mean, morally correct, he did more than he should have. if i had been in his position, i wouldn't even have bothered to look at myself. what was i expecting? a kiss and a bunch of flowers? after all the shit i've done? boy, i was really a fool. fool to believe that he would forgive me, if i didn't even believe it. i just talked myself out of it all year so that the guilt would subside. deep down, i knew i was more guilty than a murderer. and for a year, it was really the only thing i felt. something that consumed me every day in an exhausting way, eating me alive. just thinking about every call denied, every message ignored... my heart shrunk like a helpless animal.

i remember that day for the twentieth time.

it was early in the morning and i was clearly upset and fed up with my life. all i wanted to do was disappear, and so i did. no advance warning, nothing... i just vanished like magic into thin air. i tried to make excuses in my head, but there simply weren't any. i was just an idiot.

i was trapped inside my own head when i felt a hand on my shoulder. i flinched, startled by the sudden movement. i was about to punch person when i realized it was nari, great relief bursting from my lips.

— you’re here! i have been looking for you everywhere!

her face, which until then had been laughing, quickly turned into a sad expression when her eyes met mine. damn, was i that ugly for everyone to change their mood when they looked at me?

she sat down on the sofa next to mine, remaining silent for a few moments, with only the muffled sound of pitbull's "she doesn't mind" echoing in the background. i didn’t knew what to say.

— you saw him, didn't you? — those words came out almost as a whisper, as if she was afraid of my answer. i took a long pause.

— yes, i did.

— are you okay? — she asked calmly.

— i’m fine. — i said harshly. i didn't want to talk about it, because i knew i'd end up in tears. i didn’t want to be seen crying all over school on the first day back. actually, i didn't want to expose my feelings, because i knew that once i started, i'd never stop.

she came closer, enveloping me in a warm hug. god, i loved her hugs.

— you know i'm here for you, don't you? for everything. — she said firmly. i admired her so much.

— i know, nari, and i love you for it. but i'm fine, seriously. — she looked at me again. i knew that look. she felt sorry for me, as if i were someone without any hope. well, maybe i was. the hug lasted a few more seconds before i pulled away from her. the warmth of the hug quickly turned cold, the gentle wind giving me goosebumps. i was so focused on the situation that i didn't even notice it was freezing outside.

— he's in the garden. i saw him a few minutes ago. — and with that comment, she stood up and disappeared back into the crowd.

she knew perfectly well what she was doing, torturing me psychologically. she knew how much i wanted to talk to him, and how much i would fight against my will. if my impulses were faster than my neurons, i'd be out of here by now. but i couldn't, i just couldn't. i wanted it, oh god, i wanted it more than anything. but i couldn't. i just sat there, my ass already sore from sitting there for so long.

time passed and passed, and that thought didn't leave me for a second. i tried everything. i tried creating random couples on the dance floor, i tried counting how many blue plastic cups there were in that house... i really did. but it was swallowing me up.

i couldn't stand it any longer and got up.

fuck this shit.

i passed through the disgusting crowd once again, this time like a real hurricane. i was getting used to it. i ran as if my life depended on it, until i reached the garden.

just as my best friend said, there he was. on his back, leaning against one of the pillars of the house's white façade, watching the sky, which was full of stars. he was obsessed with astronomy. even from the back he was handsome. was that even possible?

once again, my heart began to beat excessively. my hands were shaking more and more with every step i took, my legs were weak. the desire to stay and the desire to flee were fighting each other in a brutal way. i needed to do that. i needed to find an end point. seeing my life flash before me, i leaned against his side.

— hi.

my voice came out trembling. i didn't dare look at him, but i could feel his eyes watching me, burning my face like lasers. i waited for an answer, but nothing came out of his mouth, as expected.

he took a packet out of his jeans pocket and took out a cigarette, lighting it in front of me. the act surprised me a little, as the jungwon i knew was the biggest hater of smokers. he was acting as if i wasn't even there. childish, but i couldn't judge him.

— ignorance game, got it. — i said it without thinking twice.

he let the air out of his lungs with extreme ease. the disgusting smell quickly reached my nostrils, making my nose twitch.

— i thought you liked that game. — ouch. the ease with which those words came out of his mouth hit me like a sharp knife. who was that and what had happened to my jungwon?

— i don’t.

— well…— he paused. —…i guess i was wrong.

— you are wrong about many things. — i attacked.

i was expecting a reaction, but all i heard was his laughter. even though i wasn't looking at him, i could picture his dimples perfectly.

— thank god that’s something that we both agree. — i didn't understand his metaphor.

silence quickly filled the garden again.

various things were going through my head, but no words seemed good enough to say out loud. i just wanted to end it once and for all. i turned to him, finally seeing his handsome figure, and then, at the speed of light, i let words slip out. i spoke so fast at that moment that i could easily be considered eminem's daughter.

— look, jungwon im sorry. i never meant to hurt y….

— stop. — his rough voice echoed at a higher volume, cutting off my speech in a harsh manner.

i tried again.

— no, let me apologize, i’m really sorr….

— i don’t need your apology for shit. — oh. he used a curse word. yang rarely used cuss words like that, it was a warning. he was pissed. i was fucked.

— i can explain, please…

— your explanation date has expired. — he just kept cutting off my hopes, one by one.

— please, just hear me! — the desperation was noticeable in my tone.

i was sure that if someone were watching this scene, they'd laugh at me. i was making a fool of myself. i looked like i'd gone back to the age of 5 and was asking my mother for ice cream in the supermarket. how pathetic.

— i’d rather be deaf than listen to your voice again. get the fuck out of here. — he was definitely losing patience. but i couldn't give up. each insult hurt me more.

— no jungwon, please, listen to me just for a second. — i was ready to kneel in front of him and kiss his feet. maybe i'd be stoned in a public square for my sins. i just needed him to listen to me, just once.

— if you dont go i will. — he gave me an ultimatum.

i wasn't going anywhere.

i stood there, about a meter away from him, static. i wasn't going to leave, not again.

realizing that i wasn't going to disappear from his sight, he just shook his head, turned on his heels and headed into the house. the roles were reversed. it would be comical if it weren't tragic.

my blood boiled. why the fuck was he being like this? i could feel the anxiety and fear being filled with anger. i was getting sick of it.

— so, its that? you just run from your problems? — i screamed with all my will, hoping it would reach his ears in the middle of all the noise.

he instantly stopped. it definitely hit him.

i saw his silhouette turn. he approached me slowly, without saying anything. i trembled completely. he seemed to be struggling with his own thoughts.

— who the fuck do you think you are? — it came out almost as a whisper. a gentle breeze that reached me like a hurricane.

i felt my insides squirm.

— excuse me? — i said, not believing it. i felt so tiny next to him.

— you heard what i said. — if looks could kill, i'd already be decomposing.

— who the actual fuck you think you are? do you think you are that important to come to this party wich, by the way, you werent even invited, and just decide that i exist again?

— you always existed to me.

— stop. im sick of your bullshit. — the only one who was sick there was me. i wanted to throw up.

— it’s not bullshit, i swear.

— oh really? thats not what it looked like in the last 12 months. — it was as if i had ripped the entire vocabulary out of my mind with that sentence. i didn't know what to say. i only could utter apologies.

— look, i’m so sorry, i didn’t meant to. i’m so sorry, i shouldn't have done that.

— no, you did the right thing. it made me realize who you really were. they only thing you shouldn’t had did was come back here.

i could feel the tears threatening to come out.

— i was very unhappy with myself, you can't imagine. i had family and addiction problems, all i wanted to do was get away from this place...i was losing my mind.

he laughed evilly.

— and you still have the nerve to accuse me of running away from my problems? i've realized what you are.

— what am i….?

— a fucking psycho. what did you think, hm? that you would come back and i would see you and your pretty face and run away to your arms? no y/n, im sorry to break your little fantasy, but that is not happening. im not doing this again. — he raised his voice, practically screaming at me. i could see how angry he was.

— you have to believe me, i never had the intentions….

— imagine if you had. — he laughed at his own joke. it was driving me crazy.

— i’m being serious jungwon, i never meant to hurt y…

— gosh you are so annoying! — he finally exploded. — for god’s sake! can’t you just take responsability for your actions and stop acting like a twelve years old for a moment in your life? stop trying to find excuses to it, just stop!

— i was stressed, okay?! my life was falling apart, i needed to go! — i was screaming too without even realizing it.

— right, how convenient of you.

fucker.

— you know what? it's not because your life is perfect that others have it too. it's not my fault that i wasn't born into the same world as spoiled rich people like you.

— my life is not perfect. — he shot back.

— oh really? i'm sorry, your life must be really bad for your only concern to be which car you're going to choose for your 18th birthday. i’m really sorry, it must be really hard for you, poor jungwon.

i vividly remember all the moments when i realized that yang and i were from different realities. like when he went to school by private car while i had to wake up every day at 5am to catch the bus, or when his bedroom was twice the size of my entire house. i always felt bad about it, even though he said it wouldn't change anything in our relationship. and it was true. but still, i felt bad everytime i stepped into that house. that seemed to move him. he briefly paused the discussion.

— yea, my life is fucking perfect. my mother died in a car accident three months ago and my family's company is close to bankruptcy. but you're right, my life is perfect.

i froze. i could feel his voice trembling. my god, poor jungwon. he loved his mother more than anything. mrs. yang was the sweetest person i knew, not counting her son. how come i didn't get this news? oh my god.

— i’m so sorry, i didn’t kn….

— that’s exactly your fucking problem! you didn’t knew! you didn’t even care to know! — he was in pain. he had every right to.

— don’t say that, i always cared about you!

— no the fuck you don’t, you only care about yourself. when things don't go your way, you cry like a baby. this is not a fairy tale, y/n!

my fist itched to punch him. he was being so cruel. but was he lying? no. i really was childish. there was nothing i hated more than not having my plans the way i wanted them to be, i lose a neuron every time something goes backfired.

— i’m telling you, i was in trouble. how many times do i have to repeat? — i was getting tired of screaming. my voice was already getting hoarse.

— and that’s how you deal with your shit?! you just run away without thinking about others? wow — he started clapping at me. — how empathetic of you.

— you wouldn’t understand me, i was afraid of telling you…— no i wasn’t. i just simply didn’t want to. i didn’t wanted to bother.

— i was your fucking boyfriend! that’s what we are supposed to do, be there for each other no matter what!

he couldn't get enough.

— i know it, i know you were! — i approached him, hoping to find some forgiveness in his eyes. but nothing, nothing but hatred.

— you’re right, i was there for everything. and if i wasn’t, was because you didn’t wanted me to. now let me ask, y/n. — he paused. — when was the last time that you were there for me?

he asked me the rhetorical question, remaining silent for a few seconds. — ‘cause if i can remember, you left me at my worst.

i had a lump in my throat. i could think of nothing. i couldn't do this for much longer. i was as fragile as a glass vase, about to break at any moment.

— i am so, so sorry. there hasn't been a day when i haven't thought about the shit i've done. please, i'm so sorry…— i grabbed his hand, hoping to find some sign of life in that dead love, some hope. but nothing, absolutely nothing. it was empty.

he stared at me for a few seconds, as if he were studying me. god... those eyes. they were the death of me. i kept stroking his hand, seeking warmth in the midst of his coldness.

for a moment, i could have sworn that something inside him changed, as if he had softened.

i was beginning to believe that his next move would be a kiss because of the way he approached me. i could hear my heart beating as loudly as the jbl speakers at the party. had i succeeded? had this story come to an end?

he let go of my hand.

— well, i hope that haunts you for the rest of your life. i hope it's on your mind every second, minute, hour, month, year, decade. i hope it torments you so much that it drives you insane. i hope you never forgive yourself, just as i don't. ever.

as always, all my expectations were violently snatched away from me by fate.

i was about to fall off the cliff, i mean, to be thrown off it.

— jungwon, it is not that deep. — the words came out of my mouth faster than my mind would let them. like a bucket of cold water, they fell on him like sharp knives.

his eyes filled with tears. i had hit rock bottom.

— not that deep, you said. — his voice broke. — y/n, i i loved you. did you even realize that? — he paused again. i was fighting back tears.

— i loved you with every bone, muscle and cell in my heart. i loved you with all my strength. i loved all your traits, both physical and psychological, even the ones you hated. i loved your fucking sensitive and stubborn personality. i loved your laugh and also the hilarious way you cry. i loved the way you tie your cords and the way you eat cereal in the morning. i loved you drunk, drugged, crying, sleepy and sick. i loved you from the moment i first saw you in the library. i loved you with my whole soul. and all you managed to do was kill that love.

tears rolled down his face like a real ocean, his face was red. even in that state he was the most beautiful boy i had ever seen. i didn't look any different, i had surrendered to my sadness from the moment he said the first three words. it was hurting me so much, more than any physical pain i've ever felt. not even breaking my leg in fourth grade made me cry so much.

— i loved you too, i loved you so much. — i confesed. i used to love him so much.

i still did.

he was the first and only boy i truly loved, with all my heart. he was the first boy i trusted with my body, my trust, my soul. he was the love of my life, but perhaps not the love for my life.

— no, you didn’t. because when you love someone, you don't do shit that hurts them. ever. and that's the only thing you knew how to do. — he was totally sobbing. we were like two children fighting over a toy.

— please, i know i hurted you, let me reward you. we can fix this, we can if we want…— i was so desperate. i couldn't let him go, i just couldn't.

he took a step back. shit.

— that’s the thing, i don’t want to. i never want to have anything to do with you again. i don't want to be near you, to breathe, to talk. i don't even want to exist in the same place as you never again in my life. do you hear me? i will ensure that your existence is as significant as an ant.

i felt like i'd just been hit in the back of the head with a brick. my vision was blurred, i was dizzy, helpless. my make-up was smeared and my hair was tangled.

it felt like my whole life had been sucked out of me.

it wasn't happening, it wasn't. it couldn't be happening. it had to be some kind of prank. the tears came out of me automatically, i almost drowned in them.

— now, do me and everyone in this town a favor and disappear. again.

and with that, he turned his back on me and went into the mansion.

— but i still love you. — i yelled one last time.

he stopped, and turned his head.

— that is your problem.

[fandomwe1rd0]

WAKE UP BITCHES I HAVE ANOTHER OVERANAYLASIS ON RICK AND MORTY'S DYNAMIC

So, let's start with something everyone knows. Rick's relationship with Morty is toxic. Thats something we all know by now, right? I know it, you know it, we all know it. With their codependency, dangerous adventures, and Rick's continual emotional abuse.

I really think Morty knows that his relationship with Rick is toxic and abusive. Especially since Rick tells Morty as much in Forgetting Sharick Mortshall, and when he tells Morty this, Morty didn't appear particularly shocked. So it's possible that he knew about this even before then.

Rick: What we had was abusive don't you see? (...)

Morty: Ok...? So? What's the undercut?

He definitely knows what he has with Rick isn't healthy, but he's unable to leave. Mostly due to codependency, cause while Rick is more so codependent than Morty is, Morty definitely is codependent as well, partly because Rick is his first and only friend. But another reason why is because he knows that he's responsible for Rick's well being. Even though nobody should be responsible for anyone's well being, especially not a 14 year old boy. Rick very much relies on Morty for many things. Even basic things that Rick should do himself like getting food. This, while annoying, is admittedly small, but then it progresses to very heavy things nobody should put on anyone, like keeping him emotionally stable.

I do believe Morty on some level at least, knows this. Due to Morty having to put his life on the line in "Fear No Mort" to save hole Rick (Although Morty thought Rick was real) from his "hole wife". Morty point blank says "I just had to crucify myself to save you from your hole wife!" We also see this earlier in Unmortricken. In the episode Evil Morty says "What happens if Rick actually kills this guy? You ever think about that? Maybe he'll kill himself next." And Morty doesn't even deny he just responds "You're an asshole!" While Morty acts like this didn't have an effect on him, we see that it did have an effect on him, look at the first thing he asks Rick when he kills Rick Prime.

You can also see his lip quivering before Rick says "Yeah." And when Rick does say that he's ok (Lying old man) Morty immediately feels relief and hugs him. While apart of it is definitely codependency, he does feel genuine love for Rick and doesn't want anything bad to happen to him, and because of that Morty knows that he has to stay. We see how much Rick was affected by Morty leaving in Rest and Ricklaxation when him and Jessica talk (We need more of them as a duo btw, they were iconic)

Rick: She kept coming to our house, Morty and asking "Did y- Did you get a new Morty yet?!"

Jessica: Because you kept drunk dialing me and crying about it!

So Morty knows that his presence has a huge impact on Rick's stability which is way unfair but yeah.

So even if Morty got over his codependency, he's still stuck between a rock and a hard place, his choices are to either stay in this relationship that he knows is toxic at the cost of his mental health, or he could leave.

But he can't leave, because he knows what Rick will do if he does. But he shouldn't stay in this toxic relationship since it takes a toll on his mental health.

This poor boy really has no way out unless he stops caring about Rick, but the codependency and trauma bond combined with Morty's low self esteem (Courtesy of Rick) and every traumatizing thing Rick puts him through, it makes it damn near impossible for Morty to stop caring about Rick, even if Rick does something especially horrible, it's hard for me to believe that even that would be enough for Morty to stop caring about Rick.

And even then, if Morty somehow manages to stop caring about Rick and decides to leave, where will he go?

He has no support system. He doesn't have any family members that don't live with Rick besides Jerry's parents, and even then they would probably just bring him back, and as mentioned before, Rick is his only friend.

So, with Morty already being in a tough situation, with no real way out, with it being damn-near impossible for him to leave, there's a very high possibility that Morty will stay trapped in his toxic dynamic forever if it never becomes healthy. His choices are basically to leave with no support system and risk Rick killing himself, or to stay and let this toxic relationship continually deteriote at him and his mental health. My poor sweet innocent baby.

[necronatural]

Crossy, where can I read your Forgotten Stones AU?

You're not gonna believe this. I accidentally deleted my blog a while back so the specific post I used to link to on my vids got obliterated. Let me see how much I can recite from memory. Here are all the OCs

On one of Blue Diamond's planets, Pink Diamond was allowed to try out a Kindergarten. It went well, so she moved on to Earth while the process was supervised by a Peridot and her team of Feldspar, which are generic little starter kit gems that are impossible to fuck up and pad out personnel teams (Corals pad out Quartz crews.)

Then the apocalypse happened!

Rock-"eating" microbes has completely disrupted the function of gems, shattering every single gem on the planet, including the ones still in the Kindergarten. Feldspar is one of a generic gaggle of Feldspars, made the only survivor because in a fight to escape she accidentally took Peridot's place in an isolation chamber until the microbes stopped breaking down gems like that.

The planet was put under quarantine, and Feldspar had no choice but to spend the next few thousands of years figuring out a way to reverse the damage to repair shattered gems using what little Diamond Oil she has at her disposal.

Tiger's Eye and Rutile are her sole successes, and it's not perfect; they tend to glitch, and the more fusions happen, the worse the glitches get. In this AU, Rutiles don't fuse into anything, they're a type of equipment for other gems that have radar features and such, so while Rutile glitches too, she's the only one that doesn't cause problems during fusions.

Feldspar found Coral slightly deeper than most injections, allowing her to be the only survivor out of all the Kindergartens, but also making her malformed, so she has the mind of a child. Literally. She has almost no pre-programming and has to learn everything manually.

Without Homeworld roles or staff to help with certain tasks, Rutile has taken over the job of a Bismuth with construction, and Tiger's Eye has become Steve Irwin wrangling crocs and forcing Feldspar to learn to treat organic life in her spare time, which, in combination with Coral's lack of programming, inspires her to create Elkhorn and Tridacna.

Elkhorn Coral and Tridacna Pearl are Feldspar's test models for using more organic life to increase the amount of working Gems on the planet, but she has no idea they've emerged, or that the quarantine of the planet has allowed sapient life to develop. Elkhorn Coral lives in a fishing village and retrieved Tridacna when she emerged. So they are both just fishing several miles away.

The Movie video I did is actually a secondary AU, "what if they were all successfully picked up and Feldspar became a Diamond bootlicker only to realize Coral is considered Off Colour and got shattered for it, and her creations will no doubt soon follow".

It's not in the video, but Pink Pearl is one of the antagonists! In my head she has a villain song that's functionally like It's Over Isn't It (Reprise). Rutiles don't fuse into new gems so she fuses and unfuses with dozens of them to vastly improve her range and mobility and it's Circque Du Soleil in the reception room. I was so obsessed with her she was my blorbo supreme

While the whole of this setting was written in Season 4 i think?? (Not the movie AU that was a direct reaction to the complete series) Feldspar and Coral also have Steven Universe Future designs! Set in the movie universe. While previous designs make it distinct that they have no inherent allegiance to any diamond, there's no call to a diamond at all in their new designs.

They have been exiled back to their home planet to live a happy life of science with a thriving gem colony that protects the planet's organic life. In the years she spent in Homeworld Coral has improved her ability to collect data so she's spiritually a 14-year-old. When Steven comes to her for advice about his emotional instability she says "I exploded into light, remember? Anyway have you tried raising a child." And Steven says "the child is why you exploded." And Feldspar says "No comment."

[gerec]

Hi! I have always adored your rec. Do you have cherik period fic rec? :) thank you <3

Anon if you're still hanging around (and I hope you are), I have some wonderful period fic recs for you! This fandom has an abundance of great aus, and it's pretty impossible to rec them all on one list. I'll do my best to give you a good mix of different periods and hope you find something there to enjoy :D

Here is a post that has a number of great fandom classics! (sorry a couple might have been removed from ao3 but most are still there) terrible with the brightness of gold by brawlingdiscontent

The war is lost.

With the futures of his people and his children at stake, former Crown consort Charles of Normandy awaits the arrival of England's new master, the fearsome Viking warrior, Erik Lehnsherr. (Inspired by 11th century historical events)

First Impressions by sirona

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a spouse -- or the nearest set of curtains to hide behind, if you were to believe Mr Charles Xavier. Little does he know that he himself will soon put test to that very truth.

let's pretend I'm holding your hand by primetime

"Shaw is King, Charles is his royal consort and Erik is a Knight/Lord. Shaw is sterile but his kingdom can't find out, so he asks Erik to impregnate Charles. He doesn't know Erik and Charles are in love. Regency AU."

Roses & Cinnamon by TurtleTotem

Charles Xavier lost more than his leg in the war with Napoleon, and the man he's just pulled out of the water has ghosts of his own -- especially when Charles's involuntary projected hallucinations prove catching. Raven, meanwhile, faces the choice of whether to marry respectably or run away with a carnival fortune-teller.

Pride & Prejudice - Rip it from my hands by Synekdokee

“Say you forgive me,” Erik whispered, his breath warm against the skin of Charles’ neck.

Charles stood quietly by the window, looking past their reflections out into the yard.

“You made your feelings quite clear,” he said, stepping away from Erik.

Erik grasped his wrist hard, refusing to let Charles walk away.

“Please.”

All the King's Man by Pookaseraph

In an effort to get out from under the thumb of his step-father, Charles chooses to become a courtesan for several minor nobles in King Erik's court. It is not long before he attracts the eye of the young king, and the Cardinal who holds the young king's ear. Charles spends months working to secure his place as King Erik's favorite and to regain his father's title of Merchant Prince. Charles hopes to disprove the old adage that once you enter the king's bed, you have nowhere to go but down.

The Marriage Bargain by kianspo

Erik Lehnsherr had made a fortune manufacturing steel in Europe. When he wished to expand to the New World, he discovered that no one would do business with him unless he was affiliated with one of the First Families, the creme de la creme of the NW aristocracy. When Lord Marko holds an auction to give away his 14-year-old stepson's hand in marriage, Erik sees his chance and takes it. He has no interest in Charles himself, but now that he has him, can they make it work?

A September as Sunny as Spring by Black_Betty, ikeracity, keire_ke

Charles Xavier was part of a famous vaudeville act before an accident cost him his career and his ability to walk. He's pulled together a new life as a musician in Hollywood, but is finding it difficult to navigate his feelings for his old friend and partner, Erik Lehnsherr, the most sought after matinee idol of their generation.

Famous film duo Frost and Lehnsherr are two of the most well-known and admired mutants in the public eye, having built their fame and fortune on silent film blockbusters.When the rise of the new "talking pictures" phenomenon threatens all their careers, they must band together to try to prove that their days of stardom are far from over.

And a couple by me for your consideration:

The Master of Charlton Park by Gerec

On the brink of losing his ancestral home, omega Charles Xavier agreed to do the unthinkable; he would sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his family, and bear a child for a married alpha and his mate.

But Charles never expected that alpha to be Erik Lehnsherr, with whom he shared an impossible love and undeniable passion.

All of You and All of Me by Gerec

Erik Lehnsherr aka Magneto is King of Genosha, forty-three and the veteran of countless wars against the British Empire.

Charles Xavier is his new husband, in a marriage arranged by the King of England as part of the peace treaty between their two kingdoms.

Logan Howlett is Charles' long time friend and bodyguard, in a secret love affair with the married Prince Consort.

[heroftruth]

At the Pokemon World Tournament in Unova, Hilda meets Red and a bond is started when the two talk about pressure. @twilighttheater

“How did you do it?” The question slipped the trainer’s lips before she could stop herself, cerulean hues glancing over at the other trainer. “Manage all the pressure and attention from everything I mean...” Champion through such informal means, defeating an organization, all the attention that had ended up on her- everything made the teen want to flee. To vanish until all eyes finally turned away from her. 

In truth Red hadn’t fully been paying attention until he was spoken to, he’d been just casually passing but turned back to whoever had spoken to him. …Ah, he recognized her: Unova’s former champion who had made a similar decision to him on the note that she’d left. … It was nice to know she was okay, but oh the questions she was asking. “I didn’t,” he answers bluntly. “I certainly tried at first, I thought that spotlight was what I wanted. But after Kanto really started using me as their poster child and the rest of the elite four started to come down on me, I left it all behind. …That kind of pressure isn’t meant to be on a 14-year-old, barely on an 18-year-old even.”

She found herself nodding, listening to his explanation. She herself could remember hearing about Red becoming champion as a kid, back when she was still dreaming of setting out on her own journey. At first she didn’t understand why he’d departed, but now she could. Pressure you didn’t ask for wasn’t an easy thing to handle after all. It made her wonder what could have happened if she hadn’t ran at times.

“I never wanted to be in the spotlight. I didn’t even realize I had become champion until the day after everything happened.” She shook her head, a sigh escaping her lips. “I just- I don’t really know where to go from here.” 

He didn’t know all of the details behind what Hilda had gone through, but he knew enough to say that the way she became champion didn’t even seem fair to him. She had no choice but to go through with the challenge if she was to continue chasing down the team that was causing havoc all through her home region. “…The title isn’t yours anymore, right?” He sighs, “Not that the question matters much as the title was forced onto you regardless, and it is impossible to run from. Trust me, I’ve tried.” “But if there’s no way to run from it, then you keep living your life with that title as an afterthought. People will bring it up, people will talk, but you don’t have to listen and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to just because you were this region’s champion once. You were their hero once already and you don’t owe it to them to keep upholding that image, you’ve done enough. You keep going and you find a way to be happy with your life outside of what they put you into.”

She nodded her head at the question. “The champion title isn’t, I gave it up.” It wasn’t a title she wanted, nor that level of responsibility. Unova had looked to her once, and that was more than enough pressure. Being at the top of the league, the region’s eyes continuously on her, she didn’t want that. “But the other title, that’s another matter.”

Hilda had no desire to give up her connection to Reshiram, she’d come to love the dragon greatly even if the connection had been formed under such dire circumstances. She hated being labeled as a hero, hated the idea of being placed on a pedestal.

Cerulean hues watched the other as he continued on, taking in every word he told her. Was it really possible to distance herself from all of this? To for once since the first few days of her adventure focus only on her and her pokemon? “Can I ask, how did you handle it? All the people looking at you, watching for what you do next?”

It was difficult to think back to when he was labeled as Kanto’s hero officially, something he really hadn’t wanted beyond taking the position of champion. “… At first, I didn’t entirely understand what was happening. So I dealt with it by being oblivious to all of the details, and after being informed I figured the hype for me would fade and life would go back to normal. The trouble came when it didn’t, and the pressures to just ‘smile and wave’ and ‘give the people the hero they want’ came into the picture.” He explained, “…When I wasn’t battling, I feel like I just became detached from myself when faced with a crowd. At least when in a battle I could put my focus on that entirely but… that’s only part of job of course.” “But of course, living your life feeling completely detached from it is just not how you should survive. …My response after that was simply running away from it, and that’s only debatably worked in the end. Nowadays… I just limit the amount of time I let people see me for, since I know they won’t leave me alone. So if they insist, then at least I can be in control of the amount of time I’m willing to give people. And refusing to let them sway me if they start begging for more than I’m willing to give.”

Was it really okay for her to take such control back? To put herself first for the first time in over two years and let herself figure out what she wanted? Red’s words were hard to wrap her mind around, in the aftermath of everything no one had told her that it was okay to take a step back. She’d ran without really thinking, searching for quiet and understanding.

“That’s how I feel right now… detached.” A sigh worked its way from her lips and she found her gaze avoiding the other’s. “My childhood friends discovered what they want to do with their lives. Unova as a whole has moved on, while I still feel stuck in the rubble of that damn throne room of Plasma’s castle. I don’t know what’s next.”

Part of him hated that in a way he knew exactly how she felt, and even if she avoided his gaze it was full of nothing but sympathy. “... There are days when I still feel like I’m in danger thanks to Team Rocket’s boss, or when I still feel like I’m under the pressure of the public and adults when I’m just a teenager with a team of really good pokemon.” An awfully personal thing to admit, but somehow he wanted her to know he understood this feeling horribly well. “Moments like those are always in the back of my head, some days worse than usual... and putting those moments down is not easy. But living with moments like that in the front of your mind, of course it slows you down. I doubt I even know half of what you really went through Hilda, but I know enough to know that you’ve been through enough.” “But what comes next is this: You taking control of your life, and finding a way to cope with what happened in a healthy way.” He says this of course, knowing that he himself is still trying to figure out the exact same problem. But at least with that, he can help her get to the right track. “Don’t pay any mind to how your friends or your whole region is handling everything, they’re not you. You need time and you need to give yourself the break that you deserve.”

There was a sense of understanding that hung in the air, Hilda noticed. Neither of them needed to get into specifics to see the other had been through far too much pressure. It was comforting, she found, to talk to Red about all of this. She had held all of it in for so long, unsure of how to even explain it all- but sitting here she didn’t need to explain, it was clear he understood.

“Taking back control...” She knew he was right, she needed to stop letting herself be placed on a pedestal. Unova was in peace again, she and everyone that had fought for that deserved to rest. “I don’t really know where to start, I’ve thought about traveling around Unova again but I’m not sure.”

A sigh slipped its way from her lips, brown curls tumbling across her shoulders as she shook her head before letting her gaze meet Red’s. “Thank you, Red. I really appreciate your words. It’s... easier to talk about this with you than I expected.” 

“Traveling Unova isn’t a bad idea,” he nods. “Though… I’d like to suggest, maybe another region entirely. I personally felt like I had more freedom after leaving my home region, but of course… that’s just me, that doesn’t have to be you.” Going back to Kanto somehow both felt like going home and going to a suffocating place. He couldn’t help but agree with the idea that it had been easier to talk about than usual, he normally didn’t talk about all of this so easily with someone he barely knew. But… Hilda was different, she had an understanding that most people didn’t with that need to run away and the reasons behind it. It was… comforting, even to him who was reaching out to help her. “…It’s no problem,” he responds. “I hope you find some peace Hilda… and I’m happy to talk again if you need a hand.”

 She shakes her head at the other trainer’s suggestion, knowing instantly that leaving Unova again isn’t the step she should take right now. “While I’m not against traveling elsewhere again eventually, I already spent two years away. I think it’s best I stay here for a bit.” She knew she needed to find her footing again, and facing what had changed was something she needed to do. “I need to stop running, Unova is home and I can’t run from all that has happened any longer.”

“I hope you do too, Red.” While she knew little about what he had gone through, it was nice to talk to someone who understood so much, someone who had been in a similar place. “I’m here too, if you ever need anyone to talk to.”

[polutrope]

for the Christmas prompts, can I get #14-being a Scrooge with Turgon, please? 😀

Another great prompt! This is loosely a part 2 to yesterday's. Turgon has a hard time with winter, and forgiveness. Also featuring Elenwe. ~1.1k words. Rated G. Little context: Feanor is adopted in this AU. See Beleria Cast of Characters for more! Posting these to AO3, here. Prompt list.

Despite not getting to bed until eleven the previous night, Turgon was up early. He glanced out the window as he adjusted the thermostat and scowled. Still dark. And they hadn’t even reached the shortest day of the year yet.

Turgon hated winter.

He flipped on the kitchen lights and was greeted by the sight of his dining table still strewn with handmade Yule cards, left to dry the night before. What could Aredhel possibly need that many cards for?

He's talk to her again about finding her own place. Soon. He would have already if Elenwë hadn’t insisted that Yule was no time to kick someone out of your home. Was there ever a good time? And now she was back with Celegorm and bringing him around… Ugh. Turgon shuddered at the memory of coming home last night to the unwelcome sight of that man sitting at his dining table, blithely gluing popsicle sticks together. With Turgon’s daughter. And giving her hot chocolate at eight p.m. on a school night.

Bastard.

At least he’d taken the hint and left. But Turgon did not like the idea of that guy in his house, even if he wasn’t home.

Turgon rolled his shoulders and yawned loudly, setting the coffee to brew. Next: a cup of water in the saucepan and a half-cup of oats – as he'd done every day (except Saturdays, when he and Elenwë made crêpes) for the last five years. Since Idril had been born. (Not that he'd been especially creative with his breakfasts before that.)

He cleared a corner of the table for himself and idly perused the cards around him. The ones by his daughter and nephew were rather charming, he had to admit. Even if Maeglin’s choice of subject matter was odd, his spider was remarkably realistic for a four-year-old. He was a smart kid. Hopefully Celegorm’s influence wouldn’t ruin him.

“Hey babe.”

Turgon jumped, and Elenwë laughed. “Just me,” she said, setting her hand on his shoulder and pulling his head, nearly level with hers when seated, to her chest. “Up early again, hey? How’d you sleep?”

“Bad,” said Turgon.

Elenwë huffed as she set the kettle to boil. “You’ve been so stressed this term, Turno. Can you maybe give up teaching a class next term, focus on finishing your book?”

“El, no. I need the teaching experience. What we need is to get rid of my sister and her kid.”

“Turgon,” Elenwë said sternly. “Aredhel can’t afford her own—”

“Hey guys,” Aredhel said, appearing in leggings and a bright pink tank-top with her mass of black hair in a messy bun. “I forgot I’m subbing for the Hatha flow class this morning. Turno, do you mind watching Lómion? I’ll be back before lunch.”

“Why don’t you get Celegorm to watch him?” Turgon grumbled.

“What?”

“I said, why don’t you get your boyfriend to watch him? I have things to do.”

“Well, for one I don’t have time to take him to Celegorm’s—”

“It’s okay, Ar,” Elenwë cut in. “I can take him to work with me for the morning. I’m just putting on a movie for the kids this morning any way. Impossible to get a bunch of fourth-graders to learn anything this close to Yule!”

Turgon tried not to let his spoon clatter against the bowl as he scooped another bite of oatmeal. Of course, make him look like the bad guy.

“Thank you! I really appreciate it, I’ll owe you!” Aredhel said, then, “See you tonight, Turno.” Turgon could feel his sister’s glare but didn’t deign to meet it.

Elenwë sat down at the table with her tea and cereal. “I wish you’d partake in a little holiday cheer.”

“I will,” said Turgon noncommittally. “Once grades are in.”

“I wish I could believe that,” said Elenwë. “I was thinking: what if we had a little gathering here?”

Turgon looked up from his breakfast in shock. “Absolutely not.”

“Come on, it could be fun!” Elenwë said with a little bounce of her shoulders.

“I don’t think so. Anyway, we can’t afford a party.”

“You’re such a scrooge,” Elenwë said. “I think it would be a nice way to bring the families back together.”

Turgon dropped his spoon. “What families?”

“Yours and the Finvesens. You know, now that Aredhel and Celegorm are getting serious—”

“Elenwë,” said Turgon gravely, “please tell me you’re kidding.”

“I’m not,” said Elenwë. “We had a nice time with him last night. I think he’s really gotten himself sorted out since they got back together. Did you know he’s back in school? Vet college! And I’m tired of every visit with Fingon being such an awkward affair, too.”

“Well, it wasn’t me who made it awkward,” said Turgon, returning to his oatmeal.

“Maybe not! But it’s you continuing to make it awkward. Look, like it or not, your brother and sister are dating a Finvesen now, and they are happy. Maybe it’s time to forgive them.”

“Elenwë, listen to yourself. I almost lost you because that fu— that Fëanor is a greedy bastard. You could have died after the accident, and—” Turgon’s eyes began to water “—they could have paid for the surgery, Elenwë, it would have been a drop in the hat for them. Dad would even have paid him back!” He covered his eyes with a hand and pinched his temples.

Elenwë found his other hand with hers. “Yes. I know," she said gently. "But I did get better, even without them. You didn’t lose me, I’m here. Listen, I’m not asking you to forgive Fëanor, but can you forgive his sons?” She squeezed his fingers. “I have.”

Turgon dragged a deep breath into his lungs and slowly let it out. “Fine,” he said. “Fine, I’ll try. But no party. I’m not ready for a party with them.”

Elenwë smiled. “Fine, no party. What about if we give them gifts?”

“Gifts!” Turgon shouted. “We can’t afford that many more gifts!”

Elenwë rolled her eyes. “You’re impossible.” Then she gestured to the cards. “How about we make them gifts?”

“Real cute,” Turgon said. “I’m sure they’ll love some popsicle stick trees. Oh, I know: let's make them cards that say 'We're broke as shit' on the backs. Just to make the message clear. Wait,” he said, a grin slowly claiming his expression at his next thought, “actually: I saw a perfect gift idea for them at that quirky coffee shop down the street. We could probably make it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, a cute little sign. It said ‘Merry Kiss My Ass’.”

Turgon chuckled around his last bite of oatmeal, rather satisfied with his idea (about which he was not entirely joking).

Elenwë playfully smacked his shoulder. “You’re awful,” she said affectionately, and laughed.

[dotthings]

Yes the Fireflies were wrong too and were going to kill Ellie, to save humanity, on the basis of a hypothesis they didn’t know would work. The Fireflies didn’t give Ellie a choice. Joel didn’t give Ellie a choice. I don’t care that she’s only 14. This 14 year old wasn’t given a choice and she was lied to by everybody including the one person literally the one person seh had left in the entire world.

Whether they were raised in the before times, or in the apocalypse, I don’t think 14 year olds should have their agency ripped away like that, even though, at 14, whatever time they’re raised in, adolescent brains are not fully developed and still need guidance and maybe aren’t equipped yet to make all the decisions, let alone the kinds of decisions Ellie has to face. Those are interesting topics, it doesn’t change the horror of what happened to Ellie.

Joel’s motives, to save Ellie, and then free Ellie, are understandable. Joel is understandable. The Fireflies are understandable too—they have a genuine desire to save all of humanity. It’s not like either side is insincere, or acting out of greed, or bad motives.

There isn’t a good guys v bad guys idea here. And it’s also The Trolley Problem. All interesting points.

Which won’t change what Joel is now living with, what he did. How that will eat him up inside, because he is a good person and he doesn’t want to be doing that. Or lying to Ellie. He’s understandable and I can see why and he was in an impossible situation, I can think all that and still not like that he lied to Ellie. It’s heartbreaking because he is good, he is loving, and he’s in horrendous, horrific impossible circumstances, and after many many years of grief, finally finds a reason to keep fighting, and then her life is put in danger, by people who lie to her and just want to use her body to save humanity. Even if their goal is just.

There’s a lot here about personhood and agency not just The Trolley Problem.

[charkyzombicorn]

Charky! My brain came up with a crack thought about Rosé’s heritage I need to inflict on you to see how it pans out. I’m pretty sure the timeline would be wrong so that’s why I’m sharing this with you for feedback

Rosé is surprised when the Dark King grabs her shoulder, keeping her from closely following the others. Her animal side sensed no danger though, so she allowed it. “Is something wrong?” She asked.

“No.” He assured her. “It’s just uh… you’re from CP9 right?”

Rosé nodded. “I’m guessing you’re from that island of orphans then?” He asked.

“Yes of course.” Rosé nodded. “I was soon moved to Enies Lobby as a special project though.”

“Right.” Rayleigh nodded. “Do you… do you have any knowledge about your parents? Or uh, your mom at least?”

Rosé paused for a moment, taking the chance to really look at Rayleigh. She remembered how Shakky had paused at seeing her, looking taken aback and kept shooting her odd glances. And Rayleigh’s eyes… well she had seen those eyes look back at her in the mirror everytime she looked.

“I was told that my mother was a dangerous criminal who was executed for what she did.” Rosé said slowly. “But I was spared for being a baby and because the government thought they could use me…”

Rayleigh gave her a pained look. “That’s all you know?”

“yes.” Rosé replied. “But if you have more to tell me, I’d love to hear about it… Grandfather.”

ASDFOEJXOBDOXBEOCXHSIWWW???????????

Okokokokokokokokok--

Semantics first:

- how old is Rose? I'm just gonna put 18 in here for my numbers

- Rayleigh's 78 - 18 = 60, 60 could be divided by 2 very easily but Also needs to be at least a 45-15 or 15-45 split, probably closer to 30-30, but there's a good chance Rayleigh met Link B (Shakky? Or maybe someone else? Shakky's 14 years younger than Rayleigh so rules out Rayleigh being 15-30 when he had kids but if he was 45 and his kid had a kid at 15-- I'm rambling) Rayleigh met [B] Link to Rose while he was traveling with the crew. Genetic testing is near impossible so Rayleigh and B Link had to be close enough to eachother for to their daughter (A Link) to be connected to her parents somehow from an outside perspective, or B Link up and left and Rayleigh was solely responsible for A Link, either way the crew Knew A Link well, at least some of them

- How does Rose know? Does she actually know her mother, or does she just have a vague enough understanding she can link it to Rayleigh?

- While A Link could have been passed off as another choreboy, there's still a good chance she could have been known as the Dark King's Daughter, especially if Link B was traveling with them. Did A Link evade that or did it catch up to her and that's why she sent Rose away? If so, why didn't A Link trust her father and step-mom/bio-mom with Rose? Or even Shanks or Buggy (she would have been between their age and 10 years older, right?) since they would have been early 20s and most things are better than a risk of government slavery. Did A Link have a choice?

- When did Rose learn her parentage? Was she still CP9 when she learned? If so - is Lucci a liability for maybe also knowing?

- How does Rayleigh know Rose is his granddaughter but was only guessing she was from orphan Island? Any heirlooms that wouldn't be taken by CP9? Or maybe a rare interited trait mixed with a resemblance to A Link?

SEMANTICS OVER! Longer than I meant but if you wanted concise you wouldn't have gone to me!

- MORE SIBLINGS FOR THE SHANKS & BUGGY DUO I'M FROTHING AT THE MOUTH

- If Rose's mom was 10~ years older than Shanks and Buggy there's a good chance she could have known Crocodile when he was on the Whitebeards and been near the same age as him. Possible friendship there giving Rose a cool mob boss uncle and Crocodile another reason to have been so strangely protective of Luffy, Crossette and Ace in Marineford

- Rayleigh being super nice to Crossette over the two years because he wants to make a good impression on the granddaughter-in-law ✨✨✨

- Rose only learns she needs glasses from Rayleigh because it's harder to tell when 80% of the crew needs glasses, she's as blind as her grandfather

- is Rose blonde???? (I'll be honest I always pictured her hair light orange-pink but that's because that's Rose Wine colour--)

- Crossette got the son of Gol D. Roger, the daughter of Silvers Rayleigh and the son of the Revolutionary Dragon to love her. Whose next? Uta? Katakuri? Yamato? Will she find if Teach has a child and adopt them into her family too? She can't be stopped

[paypant]

15+ Best Business Quotes

If you are in need of some of the best business quotes to inspire you in your workplace, this article provides you with the best thought-provoking quotes. I've outlined below a compilation of some of the most insightful statements about a business that may serve as a guide for you as you work to build your company into something really remarkable. So, let's get to it.

Some Of The Best Business Quotes

#1. "It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." - Herman Melville #2. "Opportunities don't happen. You create them." - Chris Grosser #3. "Failure is not really a singular, devastating occurrence. You don't suddenly fall short. Instead, the loss is a few daily mistakes in judgment." #4. "Choice is influenced by attitude, and outcomes are influenced by choice. We have been given complete freedom to become both who we are and what we can become." #5. "Successful people do what unsuccessful people are not willing to do. Don't wish it were easier; wish you were better." #6. There is no guarantee that the chance will present itself to you. You need to make your opportunities rather than waiting for them to come to you. For that, you need to put in a lot of effort. If you put in a lot of effort, the individuals in your immediate environment will start paying more attention to you. #7. "It's impossible to be happy if you don't achieve success. The secret to success is happiness. You'll be successful if you're doing something you're passionate about." #8. “Hard effort, attention to the task at hand, and a willingness to succeed or fail, regardless of the outcome, are the price of success.” #9. "There is nothing wrong with celebrating a victory or two, but it is much more vital to learn from your mistakes.” Bill Gates "#10. After 20 years, it just takes five minutes to tarnish a reputation. if you think about it, your actions will be influenced." - Warren Buffett- #11. "One of the most common blunders individuals make is to attempt to make themselves interested. You don't select your interests; your interests choose you.” - Jeff Bezos - #12. As Albert Einstein famously said, the key to change is not to battle the old but to develop the new." By Philosopher Socrates.

#13. "The most adaptable species will prevail over the strongest or the most clever." naturalist, Charles Darwin #14. "Don't be diverted by criticism. If you want to taste success, you may as well eat a piece out of someone else. a.k.a. "The Great Awakening" #16. "It's all about doing the same thing in a unique way.” John D. Rockefeller. #17. "If you would perform your work even if you weren't paid, then you are now on the right track to success." Winfrey, Oprah #18. "As soon as someone sets foot outside, they'll be thirsty. To find out what people want to drink, all you have to do is ask." Arthur Blank

Frequently Asked Questions On Best Business Quotes

What are the best business quotes? - “You will have a lot of personal failures, but never allow yourself to give up.” - “The greatest accomplishment in life is not falling, but rather rising each time.” What is the key to success quotes? Success is within reach if you have the key to unlock it." One of the most important keys is to be an attentive listener. By embracing your unique qualities and purpose, you can overcome obstacles and move forward with discipline, courage, and strength. What is Warren Buffett's famous quote? "Value trumps price" is a famous quote from legendary investor Warren Buffett. It reflects his philosophy on investing and how he made his fortune by seeking out undervalued companies. What is Anne Bradstreet's famous quote? Anne Bradstreet once said, "God uses afflictions like a forge, heating and molding individuals until they are shaped into what he desires." This quote highlights the idea that hardships can lead to growth and personal development. What is a quote from Mark Zuckerberg? Mark Zuckerberg is known for saying, "Playing it safe is the riskiest move of all in a rapidly changing world." He encourages taking calculated risks in order to stay ahead and avoid failure. What was Elon Musk's quote? Elon Musk has several inspiring quotes, including "Change is necessary for progress," and "College taught me the importance of changing the world." He also believes that life should be more than just problem-solving and should be something that inspires us, even if it is just in a vicarious manner. What are the 10 most famous quotes? - “Fortune is on the bold's side.” - "I am because I believe I am," - “Money is time.” - "I arrived, I looked, and I won." - "Make lemonade when life offers you lemons." - "Perfection comes with practice." - "Knowledge is power," they say.” - “You'll never achieve perfection, therefore don't be afraid of it.” - “Life is what occurs while you're preoccupied with other plans.” - “The tough keep going when the trying gets difficult.” What Is The Best Short Quote? "Greatness can be achieved not only through grand gestures, but by performing the smallest acts with unwavering excellence." ~ Martin Luther King Jr. This quote captures the essence of King's philosophy that one doesn't have to do something monumental to make an impact. By doing even the smallest of tasks with unparalleled dedication and passion, one can attain greatness. The message is simple yet powerful, inspiring individuals to strive for excellence in all they do. What are 10 motivational Quotes? - "Embrace love wherever you go. Never let somebody come to you and not leave happy. " - "Tie a knot on your rope when you get to the end, then hold on." - "Always keep in mind how special you are. identical to everyone else." - "Don't assess each day from the crop you harvest, but rather by the seeds you sow." - "Those who have faith in the brilliance of the aspirations own the future." - "I forget what you tell me. I learn and I retain. I learn when you include me." - "The world's greatest and most lovely things must be experienced via the heart; they cannot be seen, touched, or even imagined." - "When things are at their darkest, that's when we need to concentrate to see the light." - "Anyone who is content will spread happiness to others." - "Don't follow the route where it may go; rather, create your own track where none exists." Read the full article

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

3.17.24 Sunday

9:51 am

I still have windblow....I wanna see Mark suddenly,it is impossible if he is somewhere nearby....

Is there a particular group who got my exes? I feel bitter... I can't get a bf who can lift?

I don't wanna be ugly and fat coz my exes were all handsome and tall...

Can I be Elvis???

10:05 am

Where the fuck is Mark??? I feel bitter....Where the fuck is his penis now??? 17 years... hmm...

Someone fuck someone....

I really wanna leave this Cavite, I have no growth... I feel that they took away my future....I need to see my men and Mitch?

Mitch did you give me a "simple battery"???

I feel bitter... I feel ugly here, they took away my crown, I was supposed to be Elvis...

Probably, there is a group that took away my bf's? Is Mark somewhere???

I feel bitter here...I wanna leave Cavite...I have windblow....I wanna leave Cavite....17 years they fuck each other without me... I hate being 2nd, if they kept it I will just die of heartaches...

1:18 pm

I still have windblow....I feel bitter 17 years too long, too much of waiting and putting a barrier on me...

I feel so ugly and fat and I feel out of place... I feel that someone took my place, an unknown vagina... I'm trap here and nobody wants me now.. Someone fuck someone at my back that is totally unfair!!!

3:36 pm

Got my Japan collagen from Lazadah shop but it is not well-sealed....So, I'm doubting....I did a skin test on my left arm and it is fine but based on its bottle stop using if something bad happened to your skin...Weird!

3:43 pm

I have my Garnier the liquid is somehow intact and sticky it will not flow right away on the skin compared to this collagen that I just bought...

The liquid of collagen it is like water...

The same thing the liquid is somehow sticky... This is my collagen, I bought in Watson.

4 pm

Good News! The collagen of Daiso is really watery in texture but it is effective according to this...

4:02 pm

I still have windblow... I feel ugly here, I wanna leave Cavite... I wonder if group of women got my exes....I wanted a breast implant ....

Where is Mark? Tell them that I was really cute when we first met at FEU when we were 16....

I feel ugly now... I hate women nowadays they are being judgemental on my face but I still want a nose perfection.... Who the fuck got my exes??? Is Mark somewhere???

Remember me Mark???

I feel bitter...

6:48 pm

I have windblow... I feel bitter!!! 17 years... All my handsome bf's were gone...

Now,where is Mark? I feel that someone fuck Mark, I hate being 2nd choice... Why, nobody wants me? Since this windblow came year 2007??? I hate being compared!!!

I feel a back-stabbed and a woman took my position on my exes, now on Mark...

Is Mark somewhere, fucked by people of Cavite??? I feel hurt!!!

I was really cute angels! I was really cute!!! WHY, NOBODY WANTS ME NOW!!!

Everyone is so calm and I hate it Mark!!!I hate it Mark, everyone is so calm! I hate it!!! I don't see Love on Calm!!! I DON'T FEEL LOVE BY BEING SO CALM.... There is no love on them here... I feel HURT!!!

7:34 pm

I feel ugly for 17 years... I'm not calm!!! I wasn't calmed!!! I wanted to shout....I wanted to shout and be seen by everyone!!!

It is about Love and Pride... I wanted to shout coz of my Ego being smashed unfairly...

I don't want that particular group of women tracked down my handsome bf's and they took away the chance for me to see them,why?

Even Mitch, where is she??? Why? Did she give this "simple battery"???

9:14 pm

I feel so ugly...I have complex....I have windblow hoping for the better...

I wanna leave Cavite...I feel jealous...

I need a bf who can heal me that I'm not ugly... I lost my 17 years and my timeline....I wanted to be famous hope Mark can understand and he used to know me that I was always the baby and I was always the center of my friends or circle and they made me a supporter for 17 years, I feel ouch here...

I feel bad I wanted to have my own circle again and I can't see my old friends....I wanted to see Mark coz I wanted to see him again, my old bf....I wanna talk in front of our friends and see but some wicked group took away that moment from me and my reality love-team and my reality-fame and my reality love-affair....They took away that moment that I can be seen as sweet and the Carmela of the group but I,we are mature people...But still I wanna see Mark coz I'm hurting so much now... I'm hurting so much now....17 years I'm hurting coz probably you are just somewhere nearby, enjoying with the bad Mickey Mouse.

9:37 pm

I have windblow....Sometimes, I feel like dying but for the windblow, it is unfair to die this way....It is unfair to die without anything achievement or whatever, without feeling it again or any success or good emotion... Not yet fulfilled here on earth... But sometimes, I feel like dying ...

[winterbrrrd]

An introduction

I want to introduce myself

When I feel strong

But the poetry only comes

When I’m suffering,

Tangled in tentacles of chaotic thought

And self-pity.

I want to introduce myself as

Joan of Arc

But I’m lost in the dark,

A corridor of rose branches

That I drag along my arms

On a rainy night

In Amherst, Massachusetts.

My wrestling shoes

Are soaked

And I’m crying because I want to die

But I put on this guise

That suggests elation.

They thought I was manic

But I was just terrified,

Sprinting headfirst onto the battlefield

Regardless of my naïveté -

Sword drawn,

Eyes closed,

Praying I might make it out alive

With just adrenaline in my veins.

I want to introduce myself as Winter

But I’m really ____

And beneath that,

_____

Lost child in the grocery store,

Clinging onto the pant leg of a stranger

And asking if he’s my father.

Spoiler: he’s not.

But he will pretend,

Take me home with him,

Make me a bed of my own

And I will trust him

Because it’s so dark,

I can only make out silhouettes,

Not the true ugliness I’d see

With the lights on -

Contorted features suggesting

Impending cruelty

And a lifetime of ritualistic hatred.

The hate falls into me

And I, onto it.

I develop those same features -

The twisted face,

The leathered skin,

The blackened eyes -

And I inherit their sins.

The road rage

Caused me to stop my car

In the middle of the street

To scream at the man who cut me off

“DONT FUCK WITH PREGNANT BITCHES”

He followed me for miles in his SUV

Until I stopped at the police station

And he retreated.

It’s always ACAB until you realize

In a moment of crisis that

You’re only a bitch

In the pathetic way.

I want to introduce myself as light

And as peace,

But I haven’t always lived on earth

And haven’t always practiced being

Kind.

I have waged wars against innocent keyboard architects

Building foundations of evidence against me

To suggest that I am unworthy

Of my humanness,

Deserving only of a state hospital

Or a shallow grave

In anonymous woods

On the side of the interstate.

I want to introduce myself as a folk hero,

An outsider artist,

A vagabond,

But I only travel this much because

I’m on the run from a hunch

That I’m the devil’s hired gun,

Fallen to earth like electricity

That strikes the feet

Of unassuming families

Who get out of their cars

To examine fallen power lines.

May their eternal lives

Be more kind

Than their mortal walks

On a doomed planet

Of risk and

Of chance and

Blind choice.

I want to introduce myself

As a serious soul,

One who realizes the gravity

Of breathing breath

And living within skin,

But the ones I love

Laugh in my face,

Like my life is a circus

And I am the clown

With the big red frown,

Popping every balloon

I inflate.

I coated the tents with paraffin wax

To protect them from my tears,

Forgetting that the bigger risk

Is my flame.

I want to introduce you to my fire,

The way it’s triggered by

A flicked cigarette

That flies back through the car window

And burns through the upholstery.

The way it’s fanned by my fans

Who would rather see me languish

Than live in glory.

The way it swells

Like waves of a wildfire,

Clearing out the old

So that new life may grow

While I sit among ashes

Waiting to be swept away

By the wind.

I want to introduce you to the friends

Who feel I’m a burden -

A bundle of nerves

And paranoid thoughts

And false accusations.

I want you to see the way they look at me,

Eyes rolling back in their heads

When I say I’ve changed my name again

For the first time in 14 years,

Looking at me as if

Changing my name is a daily practice,

Like I’m a stupid little kid

Making fickle choices

And could change my mind at any moment.

And the truth is,

I could.

But so could they.

But people get so rooted in their soil,

They forget that plants can be transplanted

And survive it

And even flourish,

Building and blossoming

Beyond what anyone ever thought possible.

I am the impossible.

I am survival

At its base level.

I thank veterans

Because I am one, too -

A veteran of men,

Of trolls

Of rapists

Of robbers

Of kidnappers

Of narcissists

Of psychopaths.

I’ve been a marine on the frontlines,

Battling to preserve winter.

And where’s my badge of honor, huh?

Where’s the folded flag for each part of me

That has died at the hands

Of people I trusted?

Where’s my military discount?

Where’s my free schooling?

Where’s my VFW

Where I can drink away bad memories

For cheap?

Life ain’t that generous, honey.

My country is not first world.

I am living in a war zone,

Waking up from the sound of bombs.

My country is only safe in that

My body is functioning as it should,

Despite my anxious heart.

My country is in constant talks

Of nuking the whole damn place,

Taking every intrusive thought to the grave,

Saving the rest of the world

From the consequences

Of chronic self-destruction -

The end of everything.

I am nothing.

Life is nothing.

Life is only blackness

That we pull meaning out of,

Like a magician pulling a rabbit

From a top hat.

The meaning I have made

Is that life is for loving,

Hard and fiercely.

And those who stand in my way

Are the real clowns,

Frowning endlessly

While I jump on my tamed lion

And ride away.

[neverluckygoldfish]

19 -

Black or white. Wrong or right. Good or bad. It’s all a spectrum, but I have a really hard time seeing it that way.

Today, I’m trying to hold both of these things & give them equal weight:

1. I am an addict. I am an alcoholic. I have hurt the people I love. I have made choices that put myself, my loved ones, and society in danger. Intentionally as well as unintentionally. I’ve acted in ways, with no regard for others. I’ve made people worry and caused them anxiety. I still have more to see about the ripple effects of my actions.

I give myself a little grace because I started using and drinking at a young age (13 to be precise) But I continued this pattern through the age of 29. Probably still wouldn’t have admitted it was slowly killing me if it didn’t all blow up in my face and I had no other choice but to face reality. That’s just the truth.

Even at 13, I knew I was making a bad decision (hi DARE) but I didn’t care because I thought I was better than it (lol I was kind of a “I know better than everyone else” little b at 13).

In a way, I thought I was invincible. I’ve been so consumed by my own pain that I didn’t take the time to truly acknowledge others’. I ignored them. It’s not all me me me me me. I say this to take accountability.

2. I grew up in a turbulent household. My father was an alcoholic and those are my earliest memories. I was terrified of him & embarrassed of him. He got sober and then became a drug addict. He took me on drug runs. Our backyard was covered in crack pipes. He forgot about me, he belittled me, he degraded me. He physically abused my mother and myself. He told me I wasn’t worthy and my family kind of enabled that narrative. He’s clean now and has been for years but he is so wrapped up in his own delusional world - we have no contact. I found out recently that he suffered horrible abuse and neglect as a child. The cycle continues.

It was just my parents and I, not much extended family. One grandma - well, she swallowed a lifetime of abuse and pain. She wasn’t entirely sane, as a result. The other one? Everything was my fault in her eyes, I was just like my dad. Why am I making our lives so hard? At 3, at 7, at 16, at 21, now. Ok grandma, I get it. I wasn’t an easy child. Everyone else was pretty much on the fringe, never really saw them or knew them.

My mom wasn’t around because she was busy supporting the whole household and trying to keep it all together. I still don’t know how she did it. She’s also very stoic — actually, it’s a cultural thing. We come from a background where stoicism is revered. We. Do. Not. Talk. About. Things. We overcome and we swallow it or we whisper behind closed doors and pretend everything is fine. Patriarchy rules. You can’t change your situation, bad things happen and we endure silently.

I see things from her perspective now, she was in an impossible situation. She’s only human. These days, we are a lot more honest and compassionate with each other. She is my anchor and I would give her the sun, if I could.

But I held a lot of anger and resentment towards her for most of my childhood. Because I felt no one had my back. I had to grow up and parent myself starting at a very young age. I had to figure out the world on my own. When things with my dad finally ended and she was ready to parent me, I was like “fuck you”. I was 14 years old and thought I knew everything.

So, I attribute a lot of the issues I struggle/d with to my upbringing. To not having the resources, the support, or a caregiver who could actually provide care. What about me? I never got a sorry. I got ridiculed and gaslit for being a walking trauma response as a child. No one explained that this wasn’t okay. Actually, no one really said much of anything besides getting upset when I wasn’t docile and quiet. My self-esteem is the depth of a teaspoon (but growing stronger, each day). So what about me? Where is my fucking apology? They were adults who were supposed to know better and do better.

It’s the not dealing with these issues and hiding everything until I felt like I was going to explode — that led me to make the choices I made, turning to alcohol & drugs. Like I sprinted towards them. I knew there would be consequences sure, but I didn’t see myself being where I am today. I didn’t see myself causing hurt, anguish, pain to people around me who love me. I didn’t see myself wishing for death and becoming suicidal. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone really gave a shit about me so I was free to deal however I wanted.

I see those things now. I’m uncovering more and more each day. I start to remember so many times I’ve used and forgotten about — it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’s hard. I’m coming to terms with these choices and their consequences. No one is obliged to forgive me & I respect their boundaries. Apologies don’t erase pain. I feel embarrassed to admit these truths, because they seem ridiculous to me now. But I have to. I want to be better.

It’s hard to not think that the decisions made were entirely wrong or entirely right. That the people involved (myself included) are all good or all bad. How can I acknowledge that my childhood was difficult and shaped me as I am today, but that my choices are entirely my own? At what point, what age, is it acceptable to say I knew better but continued to choose self-destruction? How do I forgive myself?

Maybe the issue is that I’m focused on that instead of understanding how decisions & people are far more complex than an either/or. I’m struggling to reconcile these things as truth, altogether — to understand the gray.

I still have a long way to go.

[britswriting]

Devotion (14)

Devotion Masterlist

Read on Wattpad

*Leighton's POV*

What does one wear on a date with their fiancé in their own apartment when they're on the verge of a breakup?

Pants? A dress? Heels? Flats? A jacket? Hair curled or straight? How much makeup is too much makeup? Is any of this even worth it?

I groaned as I saw the mess I had made of my room, the clothes from my suitcase littered across the floor.

Why didn't I pack date clothes?

What? Did I not think my fiancé and I would have a date night? My bad.

"Hey bug" I greeted, hearing the basement door creak as Gemma wandered in.

"Wha' doin'?" She mumbled, rubbing at her eye as she slowly sauntered over to me, ending up draping her tired body against me as I snatched the thrown clothes off the ground.

"Tryna find an outfit to wear for Coco" 

"Why?" She softly asked, sitting down on the floor, leaning against me, making it impossible to grab the articles of clothing that weren't within arms.

"Because momma wants to look nice for Coco. Do you want to help me?" I asked, Gemma slowly nodding, "What should I wear, bug?"

Gemma immediately perked up, shoving herself off the ground and immediately digging through my suitcase, taking out everything I had just put back.

"Wook pwetty, momma?" Gemma asked, her lips pursed as she picked up an article of clothing, looked at it, and tossed it aside.

Did she just judge my clothes?

I patiently waited as she chose my clothes, taking quick glances at my phone before deciding I better take the reins or we'll be here all night.

I grabbed a skirt that I tossed in here for a job interview in a few days, manipulating Gemma into thinking it was her choice, Gemma handing me a striped sleep shirt to pair with it.

Um.

No.

"How about we chose something that is either white or black?" I asked, knowing I had a few options for interview outfits in here, giving her limited options to choose from.

I wanted to look nice for him tonight. I wanted to truly try and put effort in. I can't be showing up in pajamas-

I slipped on one of Colby's dress shirts, a blush covering my cheeks at the realization; how did they get in here?

I left a few buttons undone, tucking it into the tight black shirt, my forehead creasing as adjusted the waistline, making sure it wasn't pushing in too hard on my bump.

I'm so going to regret this skirt.

I've begun hitting that stage in the pregnancy where nothing fits, and if it does fit, you're not allowed to eat or else that button is popping open or the waistline is way too tight on the bump.

Surprisingly I've done pretty well with my body image. I think it helps that I never fully lost my baby weight with Gemma, so the extra rolls, the extra weight or even just the way my hips now sat in my jeans, I got used to it.

It's been a long journey on accepting the extra skin, the thick thighs, the change of shape in my breasts — especially since breastfeeding, things definitely looked different, and I was okay with that.

My body gave me a baby, and it's doing it again, and as much as it freaks me out that there is a baby growing inside of me again, it's just as incredible that I'm able to do this.

Gemma has brought so much love and laughs to my life, that honestly, I was ecstatic to be doing it again, even with my relationship problems.

I knew Colby can be a good dad. I've seen it with Gemma, and I knew he could be a good partner, because he has been before; it's just a rough patch.... at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

"What do you think, G?" I did a careful spin, miscellaneous clothing items being a possible tripping hazard in this room now.

"Black" She said, staring at me, making me laugh.

"Yes, it is black"

Her face scrunched up, "Why?"

"What do you mean? Do you not like the way I look?" I frowned, feeling judgment from my almost four year old.

My toddler is not allowed to make me cry before my date.

What's wrong with my outfit? I thought I looked hot?

"Wook pwetty, momma! But.. why.. why no erple?" She frowned, picking up the tossed aside sleep shirt.

"Because I wanted to dress up, bug"

"But.. but erple?"

"Would it make you happy if I wore the purple shirt, bug?" I asked, Gemma quickly nodding, my shoulders dropping in defeat as I unbuttoned Colby's dress shirt, and tossing on the baggy sleep shirt.

There went my confidence.

"YAY!" She cheered and I gave her a small pathetic smile, tossing a curt nod as I glanced at myself in the mirror.

This shirt was a shirt I wore when I was pregnant with Gemma. It was really baggy, old — it had ratty tears in it in many places,  and  it dropped about mid upper thigh.

I decided to suck it up, tucking it into the shirt, hating the way it bunched; but I figured I could snatch the dress shirt into my bag before I left.

I hugged and kissed Gemma goodnight, tucking her into my old bed, letting my dad know before heading out; my cheeks reddening when he complimented my outfit.

"Are you coming home tonight?" he asked, watching me stuff the dress shirt into my bag.

"That's the plan, Gem- G picked my shirt" I corrected, not wanting to say my mothers name in front of him right now, "I figured I can switch it out in the car" I chuckled, silently thanking Gemma for holding her ground and not having me walk upstairs with Colby's shirt half undone as I said goodbye to my father.

Maybe the sleep shirt wasn't so bad after all..

It felt wrong to ring the bell, waiting to be welcomed into my own home.

I made sure his shirt wasn't too wrinkled, messing with the waistline of these shorts when the door opened.

"Hey- oh my god" he exhaled, his eyes ranking over my body, my skin feeling like it was on fire.

He was also dressed black on black, a silent chuckle rumbling my chest as I thought about Gemma's concern with my outfit.

"You look beautiful, Leighton" he complimented, and before I could thank him he spoke again, "God, you're bump. I forgot how breathtaking you look pregnant" He sighed, taking me in once again, smirking when the heart ran across my face.

"Don't get any bright ideas, Brock. One baby at a time" I teased, running my hand through my hair, attempting to distract the butterflies that sent my stomach in a whirl as his eyes stayed trained on me.

I followed Colby in, slipping off my shoes before I regretted it later, knowing damn well pregnancy and heels don't mix.

He got to see the look, they did their purpose. I'd rather not have pins and needles in my feet, or my ankles be bigger than my stomach.

"Is that my shirt?" he questioned, his eyes fixating on the undone buttons, lingering on my exposed chest.

"Mhm"

"You look... wow" He exhaled, his eyes ranking me once again, 

"Thanks. You look like you" I teased, Colby rolling his eyes.

"I didn't have many options. A lot of my stuff doesn't fit anymore" he sighed, my brow furrowing.

"You look nice. We match" I grinned, motioning between the two of us, "And this place.. I mean, wow. You outdid yourself" I smiled, really taking in my surroundings.

The stupid twinkle lights were up hanging proudly on the wall; not balled up in the corner like last time. There was a flickering candle on the coffee table that faintly wafted the scent of lavender and peppermint, my eyes tearing up as my lips began to pout.

"Colby" I whined, desperately wanting to hug and kiss him; where did he even find that?

The comforting waft of peppermint immediately eased my nerves as the calming aroma of the lavender put me at ease.

"How did you know?" I questioned, knowing damn well his memory wasn't good enough to remember such a niche detail from almost 5 years ago.

"I saw that you were still using peppermint oil. It was on your nightstand, and the lavender soap scrub was in the bathroom. I was originally looking for just a peppermint candle since I knew that was your go to, clearly, but I found this and thought, might as well give it a try" he shrugged, acting like this was no big deal.

"Where did you get the candle from? How did you find that?" I questioned, breathing in the beautiful mixture of scents that tended to ease my nausea.

"I got it express shipped from a UK retailer" He said, the beautiful twinkle shining bright in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Colby, that had to of cost a fortune!" I began to reprimand, shocked he would do that for me.

"Don't worry about it" He reassured, my eyes instinctively rolling. "Did you at least buy them in bulk?" I asked, his eyes widening, "Shit"

"Colby!" I laughed loudly, "Well, it was the thought that counts. We'll just have to use it sparsely" I giggled, taking another inhale of the somewhat triggering, but easing scent, "Thank you" I smiled, my cheeks tightening, the feeling being welcomed.

I missed feeling this happy around him.

I missed smiling and laughing with him. Joking around, and just simply making fun of each other.

I missed him being my best friend, the person who I could always count on, no matter what time it was, or where he was in the world. 

"We should eat before it gets cold" he announced and I nodded, following him into our tiny kitchen, Colby's flickering the light off, allowing the candles to light up the area.

Colby confessed to having ordered takeout, and ditching the containers in the trash once I complimented the dish, my stomach bloating from how much food I consumed.

I knew I'd regret this skirt.

Thankfully since my bedroom was down the hall and I could just switch into comfy clothes, the baggy sleep shirt Gemma instated I wore coming in handy.

"I was afraid of burning something and ruining everything, or even setting off the fire alarm and creating a catastrophe, so I figured this was the safer route since you're usually the one who cooks"

"I told you I'd teach you" I reminded him, knowing we've never found time since after dinner we had to start Gemma's bedtime routine.

"Maybe that can be another date night" he winked, my heart melting at the sight of him.

I hated how easy it was for him to make me putty in his hands, even after everything that's happened.

The two of us sat on the couch, both of us a little stiff, the room falling quiet.

It felt like I was on a first date with a stranger and I hated it.

I hated how easily we could go from laughing like we've known each other for years, like we planned on marrying each other one day, to acting like we've never met one another and this was our first ever greeting all over again.

"How has the pregnancy been going? I'm sorry I haven't been attentive. I know that doesn't mean much, and I know you hate hearing me say that, but I truly am sorry I've been so caught up in myself that I forgot-"

"About me?" I finished for him, Colby looking like a scolded puppy. "I've done it alone before Colby" I reminded him, hating the way he flinched at my words. "I can do it again"

"You shouldn't have to"

"You're right, I shouldn't, but that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes"

"But that's not a mess I want you to have to clean up"

"Good. Because you're cleaning it" I snapped, immediately regretting it, "Sorry" I quickly apologized, not wanting to ruin our night by fighting.

"No, you're right. It is my mess, and I promise, I'm trying"

"I know, and I need to stop throwing it in your face. I apologize for snapping"

It was quiet for a moment until Colby cleared his throat, turning to face me, "This might be a weird question, but can I see your bump?" he asked softly, his voice hesitant like he was worried that I was a ticking time bomb.

I let out a breathy chuckle, "I mean, it's your baby" shifting to push myself off the couch, moving to lift up my shirt and show him my stomach.

"It's your body" He shot back and I sighed, lifting up my shirt, allowing my stomach, stretch marks and all to be shown to him for the first time in months.

"Housing our baby. Your baby is in here, Colby" I rubbed my hand from the top of my stomach to the bottom. "I mean, it's a big ass baby, my stomach is a lot bigger this time around than it was with Gemma" I snickered, showing him from different angles. 

"Can I..?" He reached his hand out and I nodded, feeling his large hand lay against my stomach. "It's so weird to do this again. I mean, the last time I did this, it was Gemma, and she's going to be four in just a few months. That's crazy" Colby expressed and I nodded, placing my hand over his.

"I can't believe I have a four year old. I mean, I have to go do preschool tours with Gabe next month" I chuckled, "And I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous. I mean, I know she'll do okay. She does fine away from me, but that girl... good lord, my daughter is getting an attitude"

I heard him stifle his chuckle, letting it out fully when I swatted him.

"I know! I know! Shut up!" I scolded, my laugh breaking through as Colby's arms wrapped around me, pulling me in between his legs, moving me so I was sat on his left leg, his left arm around my waist as his right hand rested on my stomach.

"When's the next appointment?" He asked, his voice soft as his eyes trained in on my stomach.

"If you stare too long you're gonna make me insecure" I joked, getting him to look back at me, ready to apologize only for him to catch my lingering smirk, an eye roll making me laugh.  "My next appointment isn't technically for a few months, but uh.. I've been meaning to talk to you" I began, feeling bad when I watched the redness of his flushed cheeks simmer down, the eyebags becoming more noticeable. "Nothing bad" I quickly eased him, watching the relief ease the tension in his muscles, "It's just that well, because I'm going to be approaching 16 weeks" his eyes widened, his lips parting, but I continued, "We could get bloodwork done and possibly find out the gender of the baby if we didn't want to wait till 20 weeks for that appointment scan"

"Bloodwork?" He questioned and I nodded. "How does that work?"

"Well if I have a double x chromosome.. it's a girl, and if there is only one x chromosome.. it's a boy. Because the double x chromosome indicates there's another girl in me. It's not just my singular chromosome, versus if there is just my chromosome in my bloodwork, the baby would be a Y chromosome" I tried to explain, hoping my MD license from Google would be good enough for him.

The second I saw the look of confusion fill his facial features, I knew I was doomed.

Chuckling, I tried again, "So, in my blood work they can see my chromosomes obviously. A girl is an x, a boy is a y, how the whole gender thing is formed or whatever. So like, yours is a Y in your work if they look at it or whatever" I began to ramble, completely fumbling over everything I was told in my brain as I tried to relay the information. "And if mine has two X's.. well.." I chuckled, the nerves creeping up in fear of having to try and explain this again.

"And you can do that when?"

"Uh.. I think week 14? I know I'm past the date, like we could do it whenever"

"Do you want to do that?" He asked, surprising me.

He wasn't going to demand that we make the appointment immediately?

"I mean, I'd be down to do it this way. I already got the way I dreamt of, of the doctor telling me it's a girl"

"Do you want to find out through the doctor in the sense of them telling you from the bloodwork, or do you want to do the classic gender reveal party?"

"I mean, why can't we do both? We find out through the bloodwork, and then tell maybe G and everyone else at a party? Not like, anything extravagant but like, I'm sure we could get crafty and also be safe"

"We're not doing balloons, or poppers. Those are annoying to clean up. No silly string either" He immediately vetoed.

"No cake either. That's boring"

"Well there went all the good ideas" he laughed, a grin taking over my face, my eyes flickering down to where his hand was still resting against my bare stomach, his thumb moving back and forth above my belly button.

"I'm sure we can think of something. Especially with how much G and my dad love art, then like, maybe we could hang it in the nursery or something— ohmygod!" I quickly spat out, "I can finally do a nursery wall!"

"Well it looks like you've got it all figured out already, took you about five seconds" He laughed, my cheeks warming up as I shifted against his leg, suddenly very aware of how close we were, and how chaotic my brains rambling went.

"Well I don't know how I want to do it yet"

"How have you been feeling? You seem to be doing better this time compared to Gemma" he asked, his hand still against my stomach, not allowing me to get up from his lap.

"Gemma killed my back and my boobs for sure, this one is giving me bad acne. I mean, I think Gemma made my skin flare up but I don't remember. The nausea with this one though... good god" I exhaled, very thankful for the waft of peppermint surrounding us.

"I'm sorry pregnancy is hard on you. You wear it beautifully though, Leighton"

"That's a load of BS!" I cackled, my head thrown back at the idea of me looking beautiful whilst pregnant.

I look like a wreck.

The layers of makeup were wiped from my face, the darkness under my eyes evident of my stress, the acne littering my skin, ready to be popped or haven already been popped, whether it be from the stress, or this baby, messing with my confidence of leaving the house bare faced, my baggy sleep shirt bunched up at my hips and across the top of my stomach as my yoga pants hung low on my hips.

There was nothing beautiful about being bloated, sick and covered in acne.

"Leighton, I understand you don't see it, but just knowing my baby is in here" his hand rubbed my stomach, "gives you this glow in my eyes. I can acknowledge that you look tired, worn down, and that this is hard for you, but god, you look beautiful and not only proud of you, but incredibly thankful. You're growing another beautiful baby for me to love up on. You're an incredible mother Leighton. I truly can't tell you that enough and I'm sorry that things have been so... rough, lately" 

God I wanted to kiss him.

I so badly wanted to just lean in and kiss him; it's been so long, but I knew I couldn't.

I couldn't just give in because he said a few nice words. I deserved better than him telling me I looked pretty. I deserved seeing him make the changes. Not just telling me.

I can't kiss him, but god did I want to.

I cleared my throat, carefully getting up from his lap and adjusting my clothing, "So I should make the appointment then?" I asked, the twinkle in his eye dimming as he nodded. "Do you have any days that don't work?" 

"I uh, I have community service this weekend" Colby muttered, tugging on his lower lip.

"Oh" 

"Yeah.."

"Okay, well, um, the weekdays are fine?" I stumbled, completely spacing everything that has happened, this evening painting everything in a whole new light.

Colby nodded, "As far as I know"

Silence fell among us, Colby's eyes glued to me as my eyes flickered elsewhere.

"I ruined this, didn't I?" He muttered, gaining my attention back.

"Hm?"

"This evening. I shouldn't have said anything"

"No. It's not that it's ruined.. I just uh, I forgot, sorry"

"I don't like this" He admitted, my face scrunching, "The awkwardness and silence anytime it's brought up" he clarified and I nodded slowly.

"What am I supposed to say, Colby?"

"I don't need you to say anything. I just don't like how quiet you get"

"It's a lot to process, okay?" I snapped, taking a deep breath, blowing it out through my lips as my eyes fluttered shut.

Before my brain could start to spiral, Colby was immediately replying, "What is there to process? You didn't do—"

"Not to be selfish here" I interrupted, "But you seem to forget how hard this shit is for other people" I grumbled, my hand coming up to rub at my eye, "This shit sucks, Colby. It sucks for you, it sucks for me, it sucks for Gemma and I know that it's hard. It's been hard. it's going to be hard, but it brings back memories, okay? It's not always about you. My silence isn't disappointment, frustration, or anger. It's just a lot to process, okay?"

"What is there to process-" he started, my frustration building, causing me to interrupt him as I groaned, "I hate when you do this"

"Do what?"

"Invalidate my feelings just because the situation was caused by you. I get this shit is hard for you. I do. I just......." I sighed, "It brings back bad memories, okay? I hate thinking about you going to jail, getting arrested, doing community service. It brings back horrific memories from when I was there, okay? I don't understand how it doesn't for you"

"My time in jail wasn't horrendous, Leighton"

"Good for you? Do you want a gold fucking metal?" I hiss, glaring.

"Can we please not ruin the night? I'm sorry I brought it up— you just had asked..."

"I know, I'm sorry I just.. I don't want to think about it, okay? I'll make the appointment and let you know and then we can figure out how we want to do the party. I need to get going—"

"What? You're leaving?"

"Colby" I sighed, my shoulders falling, "You can't expect me to stay? I have Gemma to care for, I have work in the morning. I don't— We aren't there yet" I quickly tried to explain, hoping he was understanding and this didn't blow up in my face.

"Okay, okay, wait" he quickly stood up, moving to be in front of me, "I wanted to ask you if you could take a few days off of work? Maybe in like two weeks or so?"

"What about Katrina's birthday?"

"Leighton Rae, fixing this shit is far more important to me than Kat's birthday, I just, I thought about us going back to that Airbnb. That castle place, where everything started"

"Just the two of us? That place is far too big for that—" I quickly dismissed, not wanting Colby to waste his money on a place that was far too big for us.

I could see the defeat written all over his face until the twinkle in his eye came back, "What if we asked Sam and Kat? Invite them like old times? Maybe Logan and Cynthia? April and Kevin? Do like a couples retreat. Not just my friends, but our friends?" He suggested, the excitement in his tone making me feel antsy.

"On that short of notice? Colby, not everyone can take time off at the drop of a hat—"

"Leighton" He groaned, "Be spontaneous!" 

"I'm being realistic Colby! We're all working adults who don't have as flexible schedule as you, Sam and Kat do. That's a lot to ask what, 4? 6? People do to on such short notice. It's hard to have done. I don't want us to get stuck with this rental when no one can come. It's not just an influencer party anymore. I like the idea just as much as you do, I just don't see how it's going to work. Especially with everything coming up. I mean, I have Gemma's school tours, we have baby appointments, birthdays. I want it just as much as you do, but I can't just hit pause and resume whenever I want to, and what about the kids? All of us have kids" I worried, hating how I always seemed to be crushing his excitement, all because life was busy and I struggled to find time to do his spontaneous activities. 

"Why can't you trust that everything is going to work out? Just take a risk, babe" 

I took a deep breath, contemplating my options.

Either I say yes and this bites me in the ass later, or I say no and be a killjoy yet again.

It sounded fun. Going back, reliving some of those memories, having fun with people we all get along with. I can see where he's coming from, but how are we supposed to swing this? Who's going to watch the kids? How are we supposed to get x amount of days off work in such a short notice? What if something happens to Gemma whilst I'm gone? or this baby? or my mom? How am I just supposed to be spontaneous and up and leave, even if he is giving me a head start?

Before I could overthink it anymore, I found the words "Okay" falling from my lips, Colby's eyes sparkling as a grin took over his face.

"We'll figure it out, I promise" He quickly reassured me, pulling me into a hug.

"We better" I murmured, allowing my arms to squeeze against his waist

~

My world fell upside down almost immediately.

"We don't have forever Gabriel! She needs to go to preschool" I grumbled, my entire body feeling like it was going to explode as we were told for the fourth time that she'd be on a two year waiting list.

"Leighton, there is nothing we can do" He argued back, both of us stood in the parking lots of Little Tot's Preschool, arms crossed as we did what we did best. Fight.

"There has to be something! We can't just hold her back for a year, Gabe! By the time she'll be let in, the new excuse is that she's too old! Hell, she'll be old enough for kindergarten by then!"

"What do you want me to do, Leighton? We can't homeschool her and nowhere near us is accepting new students. With you working and me in school, we have no time to drive hours away every day just to get her off to school"

"What about Zara?" I asked, hating the way her name sounded between the two of us in this situation. I could feel the immediate regret stirring in my stomach as Gabriel tossed me a look.

"What about her?"

"Can't she help?" I desperately asked, truly running out of all options here.

"You want me to ask my girlfriend to drive hours away every day for my daughter? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"

"What else am I supposed to do, Gabe! We're running out of options! No one told me she needed to go on some sort of fucking waiting list the second she was fucking born! She's going to be four! By the time she's enrolled, she'll already be on the cusp of being too old!"

"So then fuck preschool and just wait for kindergarten" he grumbled, acting like this was just a fuck all statement.

"She needs preschool, Gabe. She needs the environment. Time with other kids, away from me and my dad, to be her own person! She can't go to tumbling gym forever. She's getting to old for the one she's in now and I don't know if I can afford the next class up. She needs somewhere to go to play and learn and grow! We've got to figure this out" 

"We're running out of preschools Leighton, there isn't anything we can do about that"

I stayed quiet, my arms falling down to my sides as I began to feel defeated.

Why did preschool feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

"Where does Noel go?" He asked, getting me to take my gaze off of the loose pebbles near my feet.

"Here. Little Tot's Preschool. The one with the waiting list that's longer than my graduating class" I huffed, wishing this could just be a done deal, but no. Of course it isn't. When is anything ever fucking easy for me.

"I don't know what to tell you, Leighton. I don't think we can get her in on time" he shrugged, acting like this was no big deal.

Was I crazy? Why was I the only one who cared?

The car ride to Gabe's was quiet, my brain numb to everything going on, Gabe's soft hum to the radio creating a buzz in my ear.

Why couldn't anything go right? Why was this all so fucking difficult?

I hopped out of Gabe's car, Gabe letting me in his house, quickly finding Gemma doing a puzzle on the floor with Zara.

"Hi Mommy!" She smiled at me before looking back down at her princess puzzle.

"Hi bug. Have fun?" I questioned, sending Zara a tight lipped thankful smile.

"Yessss! Oh! MOMMA! Look!" She darted up, running off towards their dining room, my feet quickly trailing behind her. "Fishes!" She squealed, pointing at their new glass aquarium, "Zara let me help make it pwetty!"

"You did such a good job G" I praised, Gemma grinning from ear to ear as she showed me all the different fishes and the different décor items she picked out.

"Was she good for you?" I asked Zara, turning to look over my shoulder as she approached us.

"We had fun today. Did you guys find a school?" She asked, snickering when I let out a loud sigh, "Take that as a no?"

"It's just hard, that's all" I shrugged, Zara opening the cabinet to grab some fish food, helping Gemma take a pinch and sprinkle it throughout the water. "Every place has like the longest waiting list ever. I just wish it was easier, ya know?"

"What if you tried an advanced daycare center, rather than a formal preschool? Similar concept, no?" She suggested, and I knew it was a good idea, but it wasn't what I wanted.

"I want her to be in a class setting is the issue. It's shorter days than kindergarten, kind of like preparing her for kindergarten, she gets to learn, rather than just play"

"What if you asked your fiancé?" Gabe suggested, ignoring the weird look I was giving him.

"Ask Colby? About what?"

"About preschool"

"What is talking to Colby about preschool going to help us in the fact that I can't get her enrolled before she's 6?"

"He has money, doesn't he?" Gabe said and it all hit me, my jaw dropping.

"We are not bribing the preschool, Gabriel!" 

"It's just an option" He defended, "He's got the money, why not use it?"

"Gabriel!" I scolded, Zara standing next to me, just as shocked, "We can't bribe a preschool!"

"You can't ask Colby to do that, Gabe" Zara agreed, thankfully taking my side.

"Well what do you suggest we do then? Because clearly you don't want to wait"

"I don't want her first class experience to be kindergarten! That sounds like a bad idea" I argued, Gemma too enamored by the fish to care about us arguing.

"We don't have many options Leighton" Gabe said for the hundredth time, only adding to my stress and frustration.

"What about Minnesota?" I shot out, Gabe looking astonished.

"Minnesota? For preschool? Are you out of your damn mind?"

"I'm thinking outside the box!" I argued, chewing on my cheek as I watched him shake his head.

"What, you're just going to move to Minnesota for like six months so she can go to preschool and then move back? That's crazy, Leighton"

"What about homeschool?" I suggested, getting the exact same head shake as before, "Gabe!" I started to whine.

"Who has time for that? You're walking all the time, I'm working and in school, she's working, Colby's doing god knows what, I'm not having him homeschool our child, we sure as hell can't ask our parents! That's not an option Leighton"

I could feel my eyes prickle with tears as I searched my brain for any possible way of getting my child enrolled into preschool, not wanting to ask Colby about fucking bribing the administration of a damn preschool.

"Please don't start crying. You know I can't handle you crying" Gabe expressed, Zara and Gemma having left the room, leaving us alone.

"I'm not crying for attention, I'm just really fucking overwhelmed right now" I sniffled, running my finger under my eye, catching the tear droplets before they cascaded down my cheeks, ruining my mascara. "I've got my own shit going on, and this, I just.. I wanted this to be easy, okay? I don't know what to do, but I don't want her starting preschool when she's five, or entering kindergarten extremely overwhelmed all because she's never been in that sort of class setting, and now all I can think about is if this is what it's going to be like every time. I mean, what the fuck are we going to do for kindergarten? That's a whole other ballgame Gabe!" I worried, immediately thinking about trying to put the unborn baby into preschool and get Gemma off to school... "I have a million things to do tomorrow, I need to get going" I sighed, scoping out the living space for my daughter, "I guess we'll just see what happens." I mumbled, not having a good feeling about this whole preschool waiting list.

The car ride back to my parents house was quiet peaceful, Gemma having fallen asleep in the back, and thankfully waking up at my parents house in a pretty good mood.

I raced Gemma up the stairs, making it a big deal when she won, smiling at her beautiful giggles before following her down the hall to my moms room, Gemma crawling up onto the bed, a big smile on her face as she laid down next to my mom. "Nonna!" She squealed, snuggling close to my mom, melting and breaking my heart all at the same time.

I listened to Gemma talk my moms ear off about today, catching myself yet again wishing about how different things could've been.

Why couldn't my mom be in the kitchen? or in the backyard? or greeting us at the door with a big smile and open arms, egging on Gemma about her day? Not laying here, in her bed looking like with one wrong move, it could be fatal.

I went through the evening motions, making dinner, getting Gemma ready for tomorrow, making sure my mom was good, helping my dad, and when my phone buzzed as I was getting Gemma tucked into bed, I felt myself wanting to shut it off completely. 

"Coco!" Gemma squealed, Colby's photo flashing against the screen.

Please don't let it be something bad.

I can't take anymore.

"Hello?" I hummed, "You're on speaker with Gemma and I. She's getting ready for bed" I announced, not wanting him to say anything she shouldn't hear.

"Oh. Sorry, I forgot" He hummed, my heart sinking.

Have we really been that out of routine lately?

"It's okay, Gemma, do you want to say goodnight to Coco?" I asked softly, trying not to get her too wound up.

Gemma immediately took the phone from my hand, shuffling under her covers, and rolling away from me; "Hi Coco!" She greeted, the happiness in her tone making me feel like the worst person to walk on this earth.

How could I take him away from her? 

Was I protecting her, or hurting her?

"Hi Gem Gem! Mommy said you're going night night?" Colby asked, his tone matching hers.

"Yep" she popped her p, a giggle leaving my lips. "Mommy say, say I go night night so... so I not.. not moody" She giggled, "I see, see 'Arper 'marrow, Coco!"

"You better go to bed then, Gemma. So you can see Harper sooner" He coaxed, my heart beating just a little bit quicker for him.

I blew out hot air, Gemma and Colby exchanging I love you's.

I loved watching him fill the dad roll.

Just listening to him talk to her, watching him teach her things, snuggle her; just be there for her. It really did something to my heart and soul.. I just hated that it wasn't like this all the time.

"Coco say night night stowy?" Gemma asked, her speech beginning to slur as she cuddled closer to her blankets.

"A night night story?" He jokingly huffed, "I dunno Gem, I don't know if I can fit you into my busy schedule" he teased.

"Peas!" She begged, a smile widening on my face as I watched her face scrunch up, bringing my phone closer to her mouth.

"Alright. I'll tell you a bedtime story if you go to bed for momma, okay?" he bargained, Gemma immediately agreeing.

"Once upon a time there was this boy named....... Rocko!" Colby started, Gemma fully intrigued by now, "And Rocko was very.. frustrated and mad, and lonely" He emphasized, my eyebrows pulling together. Lonely? Where is this going? "And then Rocko met this beautiful girl named... um.. Marissa! And uh, Marissa was in need of a place to stay because she was having a baby" he continued, Gemma humming along. What is he doing? "And Rocko didn't know that, so Marissa and Rocko didn't really get along.. but then, they started to hang out all the time and Rocko ended up feeling sorry for how he treated Marissa. He hated knowing that his own problems caused a rift between Marissa and him, not knowing that Marissa was already struggling" Oh.

"Colby?" I cut him off, Gemma looking over at me, "What are you doing?"

"Telling her a bedtime story, now be quiet" He softly lectured, clearing his throat, "Where was I?—"

"Wocko and 'Rissa hang out!"

"That's right! Rocko and Marissa started hanging out, and Rocko ended up finding out he was really starting to like Marissa, and wanted to fix his mistakes and help her out.. and then Rocko learned he was falling in love with Marissa" He spoke softly, "But Marissa didn't want Rocko"

"Why not?" Gemma frowned, my heart clenching at the memories.

Why was he doing this?

"Marissa had a lot going on, bug. Life for her was really hard and no matter what Rocko did, it never was enough to make her want him then, and then... Marissa had her beautiful baby girl" I could picture the smile on his face, practically melting right then and there, "And everything changed" 

"Rissa baby make Rissa wove Wocko?" Gemma questioned, her tired voice muffled by the thoughts of the day Gemma was born.

I ran my hand over my bump, thinking about when Colby and Amber brought me to the hospital, and Colby helped me with contractions, Gabe's annoying voice making me feel like my contractions were only going to get worse. 

God this baby better not be sunny side up or I will riot for a c-section.

Everything with this pregnancy was different. I so far haven't had any risk concerns, my weight wasn't concerning, my blood work has been okay, my iron deficiency hasn't been horrendous, I haven't passed out, I haven't had any soreness in my breasts or too much back pain. Sure things have hurt here and there as my bump has grown, but it all felt night and day compared to Gemma, and it really made me wonder if this baby was a boy.

I mean, you hear those stories of how girl pregnancies are the absolute worst, and a boy pregnancy is easy breezy.

The idea of having a boy and a girl felt weird.

Granted, it would be the perfect all American combo, but the idea of having a little mini me of Colby felt unimaginable.

Sure it would be adorable, but I can't imagine myself as a boy mom.

I was never one to really love the dirt and the grim and the bugs... let alone the fact that if they pee during a diaper change.. it's not just going to go on the washable pad. It's going to hit you in the fucking face, and honestly, I don't know if I can handle having to doge pee every time I change a diaper.

 But then again, the thought of having another girl seemed like a nightmare. 

I mean, two Gemma's? How am I supposed to survive that?

The attitude, the hormones, my fucking genetics, I'd be doomed.

God my genetics.

Seeing Gemma start to get my attitude was a whole other therapy session in itself.

I mean, not only do I have a mini me, but I have a mini me.

How far does the carbon copy go? 

Sure she looks more like Gabe, but if she has my personality, will she have my mental problems as well? My addiction issues? 

It's not like I can control her and never have her touch a single substance in her life. The thought of passing down those issues to my children terrifies me. I've never wanted my child to be less like me than I have now.

"Leighton?" Colby's fairly loud voice pulled me out of my thoughts, my finger quickly catching a tear that started to fall down my face.

"Hm?" I mumbled, trying to rid my throat of the built up emotion.

"Is Gemma asleep? She stopped making noise as a reply" He asked, my blurred vision flickering to my child, her eyes shut, lips parted as her chest movements were slow and even.

"Uh, yeah, she's out, um, thank you" I sniffled, shuffling to stand up, starting to feel a little more top heavy than I used to, being careful not to press my weight against the mattress and wake Gemma.

"Of course. I'd do anything for her. Are you alright? You sound like you've been—"

"No, no. I'm fine" I interrupted, slipping out the door once the white noise was playing, leaving the door cracked with the hall light on for her.

"Leighton" Colby's voice dripping in sympathy echoed in the hallway. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong" I mumbled, carefully walking down the stairs, finding the living room pitch black, my father having gone up to bed already. "Shit" I cursed, my hand gripping the banister as I tripped over something, my phone crashing to the ground when I searched for the light switch on the wall, seeing what I tripped over.

Light filled the living room, my eyes immediately finding what tripped my footing, Gemma's to go bag knocked over, the bag strap caught on my foot.

Grumbling, I kicked it off and picked up my phone, "Leighton! I'm coming over!" Colby's worried, breathy tone filled the silence.

"Stop, I'm fine. I just tripped—"

"You tripped?!" His voice raised.

"Calm down, I'm fine"

"What was the crash?"

"My phone fell—"

"Leighton Rae! You need to be more careful" he began to reprimand, "You could've seriously got injured!"

"Well I'm fine" I huffed.

"And I'm thankful that you're fine, but baby, you need to be more careful" 

Baby.

"I'm always careful! I just hadn't turned the switch on—"

"Leighton!"

"I'm fine. Baby is fine. Speaking of the baby, I made the appointment. It's Next Wednesday"

"At the midwife place or at the hospital?"

"I get bloodwork done at the hospital" 

"So we're meeting at the hospital?" He clarified and I hummed in agreement.

"And then I need to come back to my parents and help my dad. I think Landon and his boyfriend are planning on coming over, so I was thinking maybe we tell him I'm pregnant? So that way when we do this gender reveal thing, they've already known for x amount of time?" I suggested, knowing we needed to finish telling people. "I still don't know how I'm supposed to tell Lexi. I haven't seen her in forever. It feels to big too send over text, or is that stupid?" I worried.

"Leighton, wanting to tell your sister you're pregnant in person isn't stupid. That's not that big of an ask" He reassured, now on speaker as I tossed some M&M's, pretzels and my pre cut strawberries into a bowl, snatching the container of Nutella and sitting down at the counter. 

"I just don't understand why she disappeared. I mean, my family and I are so close. I didn't think me being disapproving of her dating Brennen was going to cause that big of a drift. I mean, we're sisters. Sure I may disagree, but that doesn't mean I don't want to ever talk to her again" I grumbled, Colby chuckling when I crunched my pretzel. "Stop! Leave me alone"

"Babe, you're going to get heartburn"

"Shut up. I'm feeding the baby"

"Take an antacid before you go to bed" He snickered.

"Always do" my voice was muffled by my chewing. "You did this to me, you're not allowed to judge my choices"

"Do I have to bring M&M's to the doctors?"

"Honestly, we might have to sneak them in. I don't know if they'd approve of my eating habits" I laughed, visualizing Colby's eye roll.

"Babe, if you're afraid of your doctor knowing your eating habits, maybe change your eating habits"

"Colby. You really don't want to tell a pregnant lady what to eat and what not to eat" I warned, flashbacks to when I had a meltdown in the downstairs bathroom of our old house when I was pregnant with Gemma.

"What time is the appointment?" he hummed, a static sound coming through the speaker.

"God, what are you doing?" I winced, desperately wanting the noise to stop.

"Sorry, I uh, I was rolling over in bed. My phone slid against the sheets"

"Oh, and uh, it's.. shit" I grumbled, retyping my password in, finding my note. "You're lucky I write everything in my calendar" 

"I'm lucky?" his voice pitched.

"Mhm"

"You're the one with the horrendous pregnancy fog!"

"Well"

"Well nothing" he laughed, my cheeks becoming warm.

"It's at 2:15 on Wednesday" I finally answered.

"Am I picking you up or are we meeting there?"

"Well, do you want to come to the impromptu family dinner?" 

"You know your dad loves me" he spoke with a sing–song tone, his stupid childlike grin popping into my head.

"Yeah yeah, you're the favorite, we get it. Do you want to come or not"

"What do I get out of it?" he teased, my eyes immediately glaring down at my phone.

"You get to see me"

"Hm" he hummed, my jaw dropping.

"Colby!"

"Do better"

"Hey! What does that mean?"

"It means that sometimes you hate my guts" He chuckled.

"That's not true" I argued, not being able to keep my tone from wavering, trying my best not to let a snicker slip past my lips.

"Fine, I'll go, but only if I can see Gemma as well" he bargained, my eyes widening.

"My daughter is better than me!?"

"I've been trying to tell you.." He trailed off, his tone teasing me.

"Rude. I'm carrying your baby"

"You're just the fun bonus" 

"The bonus?!" I shrieked, my laugh carrying throughout the kitchen.

"'Cause of the baby" he tried to backtrack, his own laugh starting to crack through his façade.

"I hate you" I giggled, digging out an M&M from the dish.

"I told you!" He shouted, my failed attempt at repressing my giggle making him laugh. "I fucking told you you hated my guts! See, this is why you're the bonus!"

I giggled, "Fuck you"

"Alright well uh, I need to get to bed, and so do you. Remember to take your antacid" He reminded me and I hummed, covering my strawberry in the Nutella.

I glanced at the clock on the oven in front of me, "At 9pm?"

"Mhm"

"Since when? You never go to bed early"

"Since I've got to get up at 5am tomorrow"

"Ew, why?" I grimaced, the idea of waking up before the sunrise sounding revolting.

"Leighton"

"What?"

There was a moment of silence before it clicked, my eyes widening. "Oh!"

"Yeah.."

"Sorry, I'll uh, let you go to bed" I mumbled, completely spacing that he had community service tomorrow.

"Alright, you sleep well and don't forget the antacid!" he said again, my eyes rolling as I chewed my pretzel covered in chocolate.

"I know" my muffled voice grumbled. 

Colby said a final goodnight before hanging up, leaving me alone in silence, my almost empty bowl of snacks in front of me as my phone lit up with a text, Colby's name catching my eye.

I love you

* * * *

I was thinking about this earlier, but like... I've been writing this series for almost two years. That's insane, and like my other series (not Colby) I started in 2019..., like what the fuck?? To be fair, a book for me usually takes about a year? to do, but still..., anyway, 2 years in November lol that's wild.

Written on: May 27th, 29th, 30th, 31st, June 4th, 6th 2023

Published on: June 6th 2023

Word Count: 8204

Part fifteen

[cosmicbrowniefan]

how reddie’s first hand-holding happened (pre-dating):

no can convince that this isn’t how it happened btw.

so the losers club decides to go to an amusement park one day over the summer when they’re about 14-15 years old

of course everyone in the group wants to do a million different things. bev and richie are begging everyone to go on roller coasters, bill and eddie want to go around and try to win the rigged games, stan and ben want to see the petting zoo and get all the cliche fair food they can find, and mike is determined to win all the goldfish so he can set them free in a pond in his backyard

eddie HATES roller coasters with a passion. pretty much everyone else in the group can stomach it, but even just looking at one makes eddie want to puke

(ben isn’t the biggest fan either, but he’ll go on them for bev)

richie won’t stop bugging eddie to “just go on ONE roller coaster” with him, which eddie continuously refuses to do

“what one do you even want me to go on?”

“ANY OF THEM! you can choose!”

eddie comes up with a proposition because he wants richie to stop whining but doesn’t want to go on a roller coaster

“if you can win one of the incredibly rigged games here in one try, i’ll go on one with you.”

richie’s jaw DROPS at the idea of actually getting eddie to go on a roller coaster, and he nods enthusiastically

meanwhile, eddie is mentally rolling his eyes because why on EARTH does richie think he can actually win one of these games?

“deal!! i’ll play- this one!”

“no no NO, i’m picking the game.”

“fine, but if i win, that means i pick the coaster.”

“fine.”

eddie ends up picking a game where the probability of winning is basically like a lottery ticket

you got two tokens and placed them on any symbols you wanted. then the carny spins a wheel, and if it lands on one of your symbols, you win a giant stuffed animal or bag of candy of your choice

richie raised his eyebrows when eddie pointed to it

“eds, that game is practically impossible to win, there are like 90 symbols to choose fr-“

“exactly, now go.”

eddie, bill, and stan stood next to richie and watched as he carefully chose two symbols (mike was still winning goldfish and bev and ben were on the bumper cars)

richie put one token on a diamond and one token on the number 14

“how many more times do you think he’ll beg you to let him play it when he loses?”

“i really don’t appreciate your negativity, stanley, kindly shut the fuck up.”

the carny spun the wheel with force and richie looked at it intensely

eddie knew he wasn’t going to win, this boy wasn’t even looking at the wheel. he was playing crossy road on his phone

“OH M-MY G-GOD!”

eddie quickly looked up to see bill and richie jumping up and down and screaming while stan just watched, an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face

“i retract my previous statement.”

eddie craned his neck and saw that the wheel had somehow landed on the number 14. he immediately felt weak and knew his face must be pale.

richie turned to eddie with a sly grin

“what prize do you want, eds?”

“there- there’s no fucking WAY-“

“the giant panda, please.”

richie was then stuffing a giant panda into eddie’s arms and slinging an arm around his shoulder, leading him away

eddie could still only stutter and stare at the wheel in disbelief

stan pulled bill in the other direction to get funnel cake while richie surveyed the area for the best-looking roller coasters

“eds, we’re going on that one.”

eddie was finally able to tear his eyes away from the wheel and looked up to see the MONSTROUS roller coaster that richie had picked

“no way.”

“YES WAY! we made a deal! i even won you a panda!”

eddie continued to protest as richie drug him over to the line for “the danger zone”

eddie thought he was going to faint as the carny snapped his seatbelt in

(he continued to cling to the panda richie had won him for support)

“i’m never making a bet with you again.”

the roller coaster started chugging up slowly and eddie felt his stomach churning

“i cannot FUCKING DO THIS RICH.”

just before the coaster dropped over the first big hill, richie grabbed eddie’s hand and held it tight

eddie felt himself go red, but had no time to process what had just happened before he was screaming and shutting his eyes

(he didn’t let go of richie’s hand until they were safely off the coaster and on the ground)

“see? that wasn’t so-“

but richie was interrupted by eddie throwing the panda at him and sprinting to the nearest trash can.

[iwasbored777]

What are your favorite qualities in Marinette? How about Adrien?

Oh there are tons of qualities I love in these kids! And thank you for this ask because I ended up writing way more than I thought I would.

And please read, this took long to write 😅

Let's start with Marinette:

She's professional - she really puts her duty a as defender of Paris (and the world) first, before her emotions. Even if she messes up and puts her emotions first, she always makes sure to take care of the problem even if that will cost her her happiness - like that time when she didn't take the credit for the beret because the butterfly effect will cause Chat Blanc

Creativity - I relate to that but this is not about me. The fact that she is just a 14-year-old girl who made safe for her diary and a safe for a miracle box and that hat and bunch of other things that she makes are just impossible to believe that a 14-year-old can create this. And she is a good artist too. She has so many talents!

She's so CLEVER - She's one of the smartest characters in fiction. Coming up with those complicated plans every day to protect the world? The big brain moment in Kwamibuster? The big brain moment in Backwarder? Timetagger? Optigami? Dark Owl? Girl deserves way more praise for those. I don't think any other character would come up with such impressive and successful plans. There are smart characters here, I'm not denying it, but the fact that she can do this 24/7, all the time whenever she needs to do deal with a problem, and with all that overthinking and panicking and all she still has a solution up her sleeve. And her solid grades prove that too

Generosity - the scarf moment, all the things she makes for her friends, when she put herself in a difficult situation to help Alix fix her watch in Timebreaker, the beret... She doesn't stop with gifts

She's loving and caring

She's there for others - you know what would I give for a friend like her that would be there for me when I need her and not give up on me and even yell at people who treat me wrong? Plus how she, despite being insecure, still wanted to help Chloé become a better person and all. She gives people around her unconditional love + material possessions. And the best thing is that she doesn't ask for anything in return

Whenever she's defending her friends from abusive/toxic/bad households. Usually people just look the other way but she is helping those kids even though she can't relate to them, she has lovely parents, but she won't let anyone disrespect people she cares about. Even when Kagami failed her she didn't give up on her because she knew she was her only friend. She didn't have to do it but that is Marinette.

How she treats her kwamies and miraculous holders better than Master Fu - actually gives them a miraculous and asks them if they want to join her (she gives them a choice and does that on a safe way and only to people she knows in personal life, unlike Master Fu), she lets her kwamis fly around in her room because she was worried that they might be uncomfortable in the miracle box, how she's standing up for her team and so on...

How she is doing everything to fix the problem once she is aware of it

I love how she's a hopeless romantic with those gifts and planning dates and such. Aren't we all hopeless romantics?

She loves animals - that is a BIG quality in a human because that shows how good of a person someone actually is.

Enthusiasm

Positivity

How much she's grateful to her parents for everything they do for her - there are some selfish kids, but she is grateful for what she has and she never complained to her parents about how what they give her is not enough

She fell in love with Adrien because he is a good person, not because he is a good looking person - the girl has high standards and wants a gentleman, it's every girl's dream

Now with Adrien:

I'm mostly impressed by how he can handle the life in that freakin household without going insane

How he's trying to become a better person than his father

How he wants to help bad people. I like that this is a contrast from Marinette who has trust issues with bad people - he gives them chances until he is 100% sure that he can't help them. Honestly, both approaches are ok but you can't always let others use you. Anyways it's great that he believes he can change them for the better.

He's loving and caring

He wants to understand Ladybug in this season - which is really supportive when you think about it. You know how many friends I lost because they didn't care about my personal problems and no longer wasted their time on me just because I had something else on my mind at the time? And as Cat Walker, he wanted to be a better partner for her without being forced to do so and STILL without knowing what her problem really is

He's a hopeless romantic too! The dates on rooftops and petals and candles and all... He can't live without romance.

He's also animal lover. People who don't love animals don't love humans, remember that.

He makes small gestures for people he cares about - when he gave Marinette the lucky charm bracelet or when he gave Natalie breakfast to cheer her up (he was kicked out by Gabriel but still he was trying)

He's protective of Ladybug/Marinette so much! When he takes the shot for Ladybug or when he tackled Marinette to the ground to save her from akumas or when he transformed in the middle of the street to save Marinette in Chat Blanc... The list is almost endless. He would do anything for the person he loves

He's trying to be a feminist - which is a rare quality in male characters. Women can't love you if you don't respect them. I did mention how many people are not aware of how great that scene in Dearest Family was when he didn't judge Ladybug for eating too much without knowing that Tikki is influencing her, he thought she was just eating too much and he just let her eat without being disgusted. Women are often shamed for eating too much.

He's good at fencing, basketball, modeling and many other different occupations that don't have connection to each other

He's a good student

He's using his manipulation skills for something good - he is a good enough of a manipulator to know that if his friendship with Lila no longer exists, she has nothing else to help her become famous (he doesn't know that Gabriel is friends with Lila too) and he used that "power" to help his friend in trouble. That means he had a lot of other chances to manipulate others for his own use but he didn't

He's moving on from the loss of his mother on a healthy way - he loved her more than anything but he can't turn back the time or idk become a supervillain like some people because he doesn't have her anymore. We all loved and lost. Life goes on even though it's hard and it hurts

His sense of humour is gold

(I think this is it. I might add something else if I remember.)