#that's ambition. it's both the self doubt and the pride

[rexcaliburechoes]

gale is ambition, so he has both crippling self doubt and debilitating pride in his work.

gale is ambition, so if a character tries to undermine him by one-upping him, he'll think he's not nothing left. more else can the orb destroy that it hasn't already?

gale is ambition, so if a character tries to undermine him by one-upping him, he'll vehemently deny that. he's the wizard of waterdeep. he was mystra's chosen. he was her lover. who could be any better than that?

gale is ambition. it's his greatest flaw and his greatest asset.

[yfirengill]

GETOU SUGURU HEADCANONS

[based on his birth chart]

First of all, he is a special grade shaman. Suguru is a great character because, in principle, he showed a great ethical aspect about the world and how shamans functioned with respect to humans. Since he comes from a family of non-shamans, Suguru ends up killing his parents after his emotional breakdown. INTJ.

if you have any doubts, i have used his birth date (feb 3rd, 1990), place: tokyo, japan and if you dont know the exact hour they were bron, you can put midnight.

i was asked to make some headcanon by getou's birth chart so enjoy it :)

dominant element: earth (practical and realistic)

dominant polarity: negative (introspection and receiver)

dominant mode: cardinal (independent and hardworking) & fixed (constant and stubborn)

stellium in capricorn (mercury, mars, saturn, uranus, neptune, venus retrograde)

he's too serious when he talks

this man is ruled by saturn!!!! the one who ate his children…

I always say that Capricorn is death in the tarot

Although he is an idealist given his other positions, he is practical and realistic when it comes to putting his goals into practice (like… yk)

The great presence of Capricorn in his life gives him the strength and ferocity necessary to overcome all the problems that other positions bring him.

capricorn gives suguru great pride in customs and traditions, the established order (this is seen at the beginning, before this system collided)

Capricorn is exalted in Mars, this means that suguru will always seek professional recognition. He tends to use people to achieve his objectives, this is because values and ethics are displaced by exaltation on Mars.

basically this man lives stressed

I have the feeling that he seeks relationships that last over time but he will always be condemned to undergo transformations throughout his life and to modify his values

This man... likes to take his time in bed, prepare everything just for you. He sees sex with great dedication!!!

He has a lot of self-control, you wouldn't realize he has an erection.

remove silent in bed yk

he lasts a long time in bed… and he likes to torture you tbh

Uranus in Capricorn facilitates the disruption of the status quo; he respects the past, but decides to transform it → maybe this relates to his parents

Saturn is at home! which gives him a lot of ambition. Although he tends to use others, he is someone who does everything on his own.

this man strives for security

His love language is granting security, this man would give you a home, financial stability, a family!! He believes in those traditional values, but he has to be mutual

He probably likes older or very experienced people!!

Since he has Venus retrograde, he could marry out of interest or convenience

represses everything he feels, he would have an internal fight for his love for you

he probably has a hard time finding a partner or dealing with his feelings.

stellium in 3rd house (sun, mercury, saturn) + sun in aquarius

First of all, the sun is detrimental. This means that Aquarius does not feel comfortable on this planet!!

Let's start with the fact that Aquarius is known zodiacally as the rebel. Everything related to society attracts him greatly. Aquarius has always been dedicated to questioning the social order and treating everyone equally. he is an idealist. he knows whats best for society.

Aquarius has a problem and it is that he is a person who is governed by independence, “I don't want friends”, but he cannot tolerate living alone “but I need them”. An aquarius without friends is like a fish out of water.

Being in detriment/exile, the influence of Aquarius on the person will take time. Since the identity of suguru (the sun) is ruled by Aquarius (ruled by Uranus or Saturn) this means that his nature will always be directed by a reforming idea. Uranus and Saturn both represent deities from old abolished belief systems (both destroyed by their children).

he is a natural eccentric. He is original, the type that sets trends, and does not need to copy anyone to stand out. he knows he's different.

This is probably linked to his father. He expected his father to be a rebellious person who opposes society, but we find that his father is a traditionalist who is governed by a system that suguru does not agree with (Saturn in Capricorn).

However, his relationship with his father is very close (Saturn in the 3rd house) he even sees him as a brother or a friend. They have a somewhat complicated relationship where, although they got along well and his father let him adopt his own ideologies, Suguru could have demonized his father a little for having instilled certain things in him. (he has Saturn –the father– in Capricorn –the father sign– and that is his stellium, he has a lot of influence from his father on him even if he doesn't realize it).

His stellium in Mercury – 3rd house – tells us that he is a person who sees those around him as his family, his companions. He is in constant mental movement because he likes to learn and share what he learns.

Being ruled by Mercury and, particularly the 3rd house, he tells us about short and quick processes. suguru is not intended for prolonged situations. He is someone who changes all the time and gets bored easily. Friends don't last long. nothing is eternal. that is what suguru will learn in this life.

Contrary to what one might believe, Saturn in the 3rd house makes him introverted and someone of few words. It is very difficult for him to leave his comfort bubble, even though he is someone very curious.

He has very good writing. He writes with capital letters and periods. Like this. And he's very good with numbers.

He has a very good memory, especially if you hurt him…

I always say that people with the presence of Aquarius in their chart tend to fall in love with a best friend.

moon in taurus 7th house

It is an exalted position, this means that there is a lot of influence on this planet. Comfort and safety is very important to keep you calm. Although he is a rebel by nature, the reality is that big changes would make him uncomfortable. Taurus is a stable land and, if an external force were to disturb it, it loses its stability.

he is the “rational voice” of others

he doesn't like surprises

he likes to eat well and stays in good shape

He would love for you to cook for him, he would eat everything

He is a type of person who inspires calm, someone with whom you can be calm and in complete silence and no one will be bothered.

I believe that Suguru has an unstable moon because there was an abrupt change in his beliefs and experiences → the moon in Taurus tends to be clinging to the past (its counterpart is Scorpio) this can also be affected by the presence of the 7th house, which returns to suguru someone who craves company

He is someone who tends to seek emotional support → validation of his emotions. Although he may be quiet and not tell about his life or thoughts, when he has a doubt or feels unstable, he falls back on social relationships to maintain stability. Without them, he is not calm

scorpio rising

The first idea that comes to mind about Suguru when seeing him is contrary and opposite to what he really is like.

we see someone reserved and observant, who does not like to stand out too much

prone to paranoia

Your first impression of him may not be very pleasant (Pluto – god of the dead), but that changes when you meet him.

KNOW HOW TO READ PEOPLE he knows your deepest secrets with a single look

pluto: changes and reforms from abroad seriously affect him

He lives a constant transformation even though the inside of him always remains the same.

gossip, he wants to know everything!!!!

jupiter in cancer 8th house + chiron in cancer 9th house

Jupiter is exalted and in opposition to his entire stellium

Basically his values were learned from the family (perhaps from the mother, especially) and these ideas were not practical, bordering on the utopian.

That is why when Suguru faces life in society and moves away from home, his ideas learned by Jupiter in Cancer and the Moon in Taurus look broken and unstable because he faces a transformative change in relationships (Scorpio ascendant and stellium in Capricorn, in the personal and social)

basically his childhood beliefs instilled within the home were doomed to find an end

His fears come from feeling out of place and that he is not loved. He feels that he will never find a “proper” philosophy, that he has no moral compass. He feels that he doesn't belong anywhere, that he is an outsider.

Jupiter 8th house and Chiron 9th house speak of two processes: the “death” of a belief system and the big question that comes after that: what is the best belief system

Suguru then considers that the belief system instilled in his home, where humans had to be protected because they were weak, he sees as indoctrination and blind faith, justice is very important to him.

pluto in scorpio + vesta in pisces + eros in aquarius

Suguru has a big conflict: what is his purpose in this world? He is a person who seeks the meaning of life. he wants to improve life and society. There is a great connection with ethics, injustice and philosophy. This problem arose in adolescence (17 years old)

The fact that he follows a specific social cause makes him lose focus on love, so I think his ideal type of partner should be someone who shares his thoughts and helps him pursue it.

The person he like must be “eccentric” and “different”

HE LIKES THE FORBIDDEN AND KEEPING THINGS SECRET. although I think (bc Venus in Capricorn) he would love to take you out to fancy restaurants where there are good food (Taurus moon). specially after you two become a couple

big dick energy. very proud.

has great acting and writing skills

[purplebowties]

another Henry's ask: how do you think he felt growing up as C & B's son? regarding their level of fame but also all the informations about them on GG? did it make him doubt himself? or maybe his way of rebelling has to be like behaving drastically different than his parents someway? What do you think Henry is like when he's 17/18? also what do you think he'll study at uni? i picture him doing something very different than his parents like becoming a scientist? or a doctor?

I love Henry asks! Send as many as you want! I think he felt pretty much awesome, lol. I don't think he ever suffered his parents' fame; rather, he probably took pride in it and used it to boost his own popularity, power, and influence at school and later on in life. The Henry I imagine and write is very, very proud of being a Waldorf-Bass and he shows it with no restraint. As for teenage Henry, I imagine a self-confident, posh kid with a very big ego, an interesting social life, and a tendency to like casual romantic relationships, with his father's libertine attitude and his mother's thirst for power. I don't think he'd be rebellious, though, aside from normal things teenagers do and that are typical of that age. When it comes to university/college, I think his parents would give him the option to choose whether to go or not. Neither Chuck nor Blair has a degree, and that did not stop them from becoming extremely successful in their fields. Besides, they have both suffered the pressure of parents' expectations (in different ways, of course) and they would not put their son through the same thing, though I believe Blair would probably try to convince him to attend college. However, if Henry felt strongly against it, she would not force him. In any case, I am certain Henry would want to follow in his dad's footsteps and eventually take over him at BI. I believe he has Chuck's talent for business and the same passion for it. Therefore, If he chose to go to college, he'd study either business or economics, perhaps architecture. That being said, something that I imagine him doing is taking a gap year to travel after finishing high school: some sort of grand tour experience. If you're curious, here's a story I wrote a few years ago about teenage Henry, his ambitions, and his life in that timeframe: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8534512

[aja-aja-hanja]

if you'd like to support me, check out my ko-fi!

character story:

The character 心 is actually an abstraction of an anatomical drawing of a heart!

Study vocab here!

Vocab + explanations:

心, or heart-mind, is a very common character that is also used as a 부수 or radical, a basic character with meaning. It has an alternative form that looks like 忄.

心 is a hugely important concept that represents both the heart and mind. Unlike in Western thought, where the two are separated clearly, early writings from China stress the relation of the emotions and thoughts. Unsurprisingly, many of the words related to 心 are centered around emotion! It is also used to reference the idea of centrality, as in the three below.

中心地[중심지]{hub}———- we learned this one before with 中!

心房[심방]{atrium}—————————— heart x room

點心[점심]{lunch}——————————-point x heart

More commonly, we see reference to emotions, as in these three:

心情[심정]{one’s heart, feelings}——————heart x feeling

心理[심리]{mental state}———— heart x internal logic/essence

心理學[심리학]{psychology}————— mental state x study

The following are all feelings or mental states which can also be used with verbs. Please take note of the verb that should be used in conjunction and note that there are also other possibilities~ (I tried to give the most commonly found helper verb):

+하다

安心[안심]{ease}{be at ease}——————— peace x heart

決心[결심] {determination}{to decide}————- decide x heart

操心[조심]{caution}{to be careful}————— to steer x heart

(無)關心[(무)관심] {(no)interest}{to be (dis)interested}– (no) x concern x heart

疑心[의심]{doubt}{to doubt}——————- to doubt x heart

+이다

熱心[열심]{enthusiasm}{to be enthusiastic}———– heat x heart

眞心[진심]{sincerity}{to be sincere}—————– true x heart

+있다/없다

同情心[동정심]{sympathy}{to be sympathetic} same x feeling x heart

良心[양심]{conscience}{to be conscientious}——— good x heart

野心[야심]{ambition}{to be ambitious}———-open space x heart

自負心[자부심]{self-confidence}{to be confident}– oneself x to bear x heart

自尊心[자존심]{self-respect/pride}{to be proud}– oneself x to honor x heart

慾心[욕심]{greed}{to be greedy}{to be greedy} —— desire x heart

+생기다

好奇心[호기심]{curiosity}{to become curious}— good x unusual x heart

+품다

二心[이심]{duplicity}{to be two-faced}—————————– two x heart

[honestreviewsblog]

Dreaming of a Freaking Fairytale - A Fan's Journey (with spoilers!)

Ep 1-2

OH MY GOD THIS IS HILARIOUS. It's givinggg 2011-2013 Kdramas in the best way possible. Very well casted I might say, I've watched Pyo Yejin before and I've always loved her in every role I've watched her in so I already expected she was gonna nail this one too but it's my first time watching Lee Jun-young and omggg I LOVE him hahahahaha. He's so gorgeous, and the role fits him so well. Their chemistry is off the charts and it was going so well for the past 2 episodes that I was actually wondering, 'Wait, if they both like each other now, what about the rest of the episodes?' then BAM insert obligatory Kdrama fiancé. Which is hella cliché but the drama IS all about clichés so really it's just living up to it's expectations.

There's a thin line between cringe in a good way and cringe in a bad way and so far, this drama is in the good-o-meter lololol. We'll see tho in the next few episodes and dammit I'm excited. I do love my melo dramas and action packed thriller dramas but really I'm just a girl, I also crave cute, hilarious, weird sht every so often.

Ep 3-4

Can I address their names?? Hahahahaha. Cos Prince Cha min is hilarious and you kinda get it from the get go (Prince Charming = Prince Cha min) but Cinderella is a bit too Korean-ized that you don't get it until you've watched 3 episodes lololol (Just a theory this might be a stretch but Koreans put -nim as a suffix for jobs, titles, or relationship to show respect, ex. harabeonim (grandpa but probably not your own grandpa because adding -nim means that you're not that close), gisanim ("gisa"/driver is the root word, adding -nim is a polite way of saying it and mostly used when you speak directly to the person). So my theory is Cinderella 》 Cinder-nim 》 Cinder-im 》 Shin Jae rim.

Anyway back to the episodes, I looove that line about the reason why Jae rim wanted to marry rich because giiiirl I probably won't do it but I totally get it lolololol. Her ambition was revealed tho and it does not look good esp among the rich. It must've felt soo humiliating, and I can feel her pride slowly ebbing away. The ending WAS a total cliché but I loooove it, can't wait for more lol.

Also, can I just say Cha min's business is sooooo fun. It's exactly the type of business that we think about in our daydreams and when asked the question, "What would you do if you have a lot of money". Cos I'm totally going to build myself a playground for adults to have fun in, adults need it more than kids anyway.

Really happy for Jae rim and her painting, she's sooo good, I also wished she continued her passion, but I have high hopes for the next few episodes.

Ep 5-6

OH MY GOD THEY KISSED AAAAAAAAA. And I gotta say it was marvelous hahahhahaha—not the regular cutesy cutesy kissing scenes we normally see in cutesy cutesy Kdramas. Really just from the kissing scene alone I gotta give ep 5 a standing ovation lololol.

I totally expected Jae rim's visit in Do hong's studio to go horribly wrong but it's nice to be wrong for once hahahaha. We got to see his "weakness" and don't we just love to discover those? Makes the characters more human. Dan-a and Jae rim's face off tho 👀 Our girl totally held her ground with the line, "I had fun too. He's a very good kisser" YOOOOOOOOOO Imma tell you the way I gasped?? I was so gagged???

And the scene AFTER that, the way she bursted out her frustrations on Cha min and him not knowing what to do or what to say or how to make things right because in his point of view, he never meant to be cruel, everything he did was just self-preservation.

Ep 7-8

Hello??? I was so invested on that kiss and you're telling me it was a dreamscape?? Call the authorities, straight to JAIL. But on a more serious note, I love how her doubts and her fears of not being enough was easily eliminated by Cha min, and her voice over about being comforted by this was sooo heartwarming, the butterflies in my stomach won't stop churning!!

The ending was emotional but I gotta say, probably bcs we didn't get to have that many teary eye scenes so far, the scene with Cha min's mom just felt a bit I dunno, I didn't cry that's for sure. But I guess we weren't meant to cry, we were meant to feel for him and comfort him.

Ep 9-10

/sigh/ I think I just got diabetes. It was so sweeeet. Have I said Jun young is so gorgeous? Cos he's so gorgeous. I gotta tell you about 90% of the reason why I'm watching it is bcs I just gotta see him smile hahahahahahha. Happy ending all around, really cliché so I can see why some people might not like it. But I loooovee clichés, it calms my anxiety and it's sure to be a happy ending, what's not to love?

The thing about this drama tho, is it's very self-aware and doesn't take itself too seriously and I think that's part of the reason why it's so charming (pun intended). 10/10 cutesy ending I got what I came in for and I'm happy about that, satisfied customer here! Hahahahahaha

[raptorfae53]

Monster High Reimagined

Clawdeen Wolf character bio/redesign

Clawdeen wolf (she/her)

(Lesbian)

3rd werewolf child of the Wolf family 

(African-American)

(Transforms on the full moon into a timber wolf)

A New York City-born werewolf with a deep love for the world of fashion,clawdeen is an ambitious,independent and serious girl whose often contradictory desires to both carve out her own legend whilst also living up to the reputation of her big sister clawdia way too often feed back into her self doubt,in itself not helped by the shakeup of her family's recent move to a homestead outside New Salem. Regardless, clawdeen hopes that this change of pace and the new friends she's made at monster high can be the start of something great in itself.

Likes: her siblings,fashion design,animal print ,thrifting for clothing and fabric and long jogs.

Dislikes: her siblings,artists block,silver jewellery (allergic) ,synthetic cotton and people being antagonistic towards her friends.

Killer style: being an aspiring fashionista,clawdeen's designs and by extent personal style take inspiration from many sources across time and the planet, leaning mostly into the looks of the 70s, 90s and contemporary african and afro-american fashion, often made out of upcycled materials in her favoured shades of purple,gold and green. 

Familiar: Crescent is Clawdeen's family's Bingus Sphinx cat and often the involuntary model for small outfits clawdeen likes to make out of fabric scraps,which he often voices his displeasure for by knocking items off of clawdeen's desk or loafing himself in inconvenient spots around her room.

Pet Peeve: One thing that unquestionably irks clawdeen is people (most often humans) telling her that she'd look prettier if she started shaving her fur. An insensitive question even if she weren't a werewolf,and one that makes her glad her parents instilled in her a strong sense of personal pride at a young age, a similar sentiment also existing for those who tell her to straighten her naturally curly hair.

Freaky Flaw: her self-doubt,ever present in the back of clawdeen's head and often gnawing on her conscience,it makes clawdeen worry about things otherwise set in stone and makes her feel more obnoxious and abrasive than she really is,especially when it comes to her friends and love life.

Spooky Secret: ever since they met the summer before high school started clawdeen has had a frankly colossal crush on draculaura,but since draculaura got together with her brother Clawd she's decided to keep it under wraps to avoid things getting… awkward between the three of them,and besides the two of them are the closest of friends and 'Lala and Clawd make for an adorable couple.

Dream job: To work in fashion of course! Clawdeen has grand ambitions to run a full fashion empire that represents and caters to both humans and monsters, to get a headstart on said plans,clawdeen is taking economics,art and textiles classes as well as honing her skills in her own time taking commissions.

Five Fearsome Facts:

Clawdeen wore glasses during elementary and middle school but switched them out for contacts after middle school graduation, worried they'd make her look too "childish" in high school and wanting to emulate her older sister Clawdia at the time.

Outside of fashion design,one of Clawdeen's favourite pastimes is athletics and particularly running, With one of the most satisfying things for her being taking a jog/run after spending a long day in class or in her room drawing and sewing. 

With their being so many members of her family to feed as well as too many deer in New England clawdeen's family hunt and fish in the woods around their farm alongside Keeping livestock like pigs and poultry. Clawdeen often joining her dad and siblings to fish and socialise in the woods when she needs to de-stress from her busy school schedule.

Among the many hobbies clawdeen has taken up since she moved to new Salem is attempting to spin yarn for use in her designs,unfortunately this endeavour has hit a roadblock thanks to the presence of rámon the alpaca,the only wool-bearing animal on the wolf homestead and the bad-tempered bane of clawdeen's sisters howleen and weredith's existence. Nonetheless clawdeen keeps on attempting to shear him, despite his objections…

Before meeting her future besties over the summer at MHs induction weekend, clawdeen was quite lonely in middle school and spent a lot of time online fashion forums. Here however she met Skelita and Jinafire,two other aspiring fashion designers,and the three became fast friends over many conversations on Instagrave and Pinterrorest, clawdeen hoping the three can meet up someday in person at one of the big fashion weeks in Paris,London or New York.

I'm back,and considerably faster than with the last few entries in this series.

With the debut of the first werewolf of this reimaginings cast,I feel as if it's as good a time as any to explain how werewolves work in this universe.

In short, werewolves are sort of similar to vampires in the sense that they turn from a humanoid form with canid features (I feel the closest approximation in this case would be how the wolf siblings are drawn by artists like mossy_moth and nati_chuan on Instagram) into a species of wolf or fox on the full moon,clawdeen and her family in particular turn into Eastern or timber wolves,a species/subspecies native to the northeastern US and Canada:

Also yes,Werewolves also have tails in their humanoid forms too.

Anyhow, hope you like this profile and I hope to be back soon with another one.

[fromthemouthofkings]

Sorting Goncharov (1973)

Now I’ve only just seen the movie, so I’m not 100% on these sortings yet, and if any long-time fans want to chime in, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

As a reminder, primary refers to a character’s motivations, and secondary refers to a character’s methods.

This sorting system was based on the Hogwarts houses, but we do not support JK Rowling’s bigotry here.

Goncharov: double lion (burned primary)

The tragedy of Goncharov is all about identity--specifically, the loss of identity. It’s about Goncharov losing touch with his internal compass: the mirror motif highlights this disconnect and confusion as he loses his identity to the violence of the film. The movie actually does a really good job showing the process of a lion primary burning.

His secondary, however, stays intact. Goncharov is loud--explosive, even. Even as he loses his internal sense of self, he continues acting out directly, projecting his internal dilemma outwards in a vain attempt to “solve” it through the direct action of violence. He deals with problems by breaking through them, repeatedly. He literally does not stop, for the entire four-hour run time--it isn’t until his death that he is finally still.

Andrey: bird/lion (bird model)

This boy is constantly stuck in his own head, philosophizing, trying to rationalize his feelings about Goncharov. He’s a bird. He likes being a bird. Bird makes sense. The world around him--not so much. He clings to his bird primary SO hard, he has trouble seeing that the world doesn’t always match up to the world he has in his head. He can’t incorporate his feelings about Goncharov into his model of the world--can’t understand Goncharov’s true motivations. In the end, that’s why he’s so blindsided by the Goncharov betrayal.

Now, Andrey’s bird primary is so loud that it’s tempting to put him in bird secondary, too. But for all his talk of books and philosophers, how do we actually see him solve his problems, when all the cards are down? He acts suddenly and decisively, stepping away from his book-learning and doubt, and steps into himself like he’s shedding a heavy, ill-fitting suit. I could see bird model for him, though.

Katya: snake/bird

Torn between her loyalty to Goncharov, her love for Sofia, and her own ambitions, Katya is a loud snake primary. She loves Goncharov, but she feels burdened by him and trapped in the life that they’ve agreed to live together. Throughout the film, her frustration with how trapped she feels in her own life brings her to Sofia, and she’s tempted to run off and join Sofiya’s whirl-wind of a life for the taste of freedom that Sofia gives her. However, her decision in the end to betray them both ultimately speaks to her decision to value herself over either of her (canon and implied) love interests.

As far as secondaries go, Katya is careful. She doesn’t run willy-nilly into things. She gathers her resources quietly. She makes plans. Unlike Andrey’s spur-of-the-moment betrayal, when she leaves Goncharov, it is the culmination of a whole film’s worth of quiet planning, all falling into place. The biggest tip-off, for me, is the gun. If you’re watching carefully, you can see that the gun she takes from Goncharov and slips into her purse during the night club scene is the same gun she uses in her final scene, much later.

Sofia: double snake

The last part of the Gonchandreysofitya love quadrangle/polycule, Sofia is a double snake: healthily selfish, sneaky, unrepentant, and driven so hard by her love of Katya. Katya is really her one blind spot.

Growing up in the orphanage, Sofia learned early to trick and steal and con for a living, and she seems entirely content to live like that, taking pride in her abilities as a con woman and a thief. It’s only for Katya that we see her let down her masks and show off her true, neutral, jaded self underneath all of her other layers.

[rusakkowrites]

💬 for "So Happy A Summer"

And 💬 for any of your Emma fics

(And because I'm curious, but no obligation: ❤️ for "Give me Truth")

And one of my favourite parts of "On The Banks Of The River Green" ... not a happy quote but oh I love the biting, defeated bitterness of it:

And now, with the passing of both their fathers, the final lingering ties between them had at long last been cut. Till death do us part, indeed. Perhaps, one day, Darcy would be able to find amusement in the irony.

Thank you for the ask! <3

For So Happy a Summer, I'll go with this:

Edmund, perceiving nothing of her turbulent emotions, kept the conversation flowing for another turn around the shrubbery. When Fanny escaped indoors at last, she was almost as exhausted from the walking as she was weary in spirit.

This really captured what I wanted to show of the dynamic between Edmund and Fanny at this point in the story.

Of my Emma fics, I'll pick the very first one I wrote, which is A Very Good Scheme. I'm quite proud of this part, in which Emma figures out her feelings for Mr Knightley:

It was, Emma found, a picture which she liked very well indeed. She imagined him sitting down with them to dinner, making cheerful conversation with her father and directing an occasional affectionate smile at herself. Afterwards, he would read to her as she worked; she might play the pianoforte; or perhaps they would simply sit together and discuss the latest news of the neighbourhood while her father dozed by the fire. In such a comfortable manner they had spent many an evening ‒ but in this vision, Mr Knightley would not take his leave when Mr Woodhouse announced that he wished to retire. Instead, after bidding his father-in-law goodnight, he would take Emma’s arm and walk with her upstairs ‒ and then—

She blushed before she could finish the thought.

When Mr Knightley arrived the next morning, hopeful but anxious, he found a more favourable reception than he could have dared to imagine. There was still much to settle, and Mr Woodhouse to talk round; but it mattered not. Mr Knightley’s happiness was complete. Emma knew her heart ‒ and it was his. All the rest could not but follow in due course.

I'm particularly happy with those two last lines. I feel like I was able to say a lot in just a few words.

Give me truth just has a lovely concept overall, but I particularly enjoyed this part:

Henry looked at her and he saw that she had the right of it. She was dark and brilliant and well aware of her claims, carrying them with pride, her head held high. To never doubt one's own worth was an admirable quality, but Henry had a pride of his own and he would not grovel at her feet to beg for her hand. Her words might have stung, but he knew he had done right by asking her, for noone could find true happiness by degrading oneself. Still, beautiful and proud as she was, there were dozens like her and only very few fit to sate their ambition.

It says so much about both of the characters - of Mary Crawford's charm, self-confidence and ambition and of Henry's pride that is nevertheless balanced out by good sense.

And thanks for the shout-out for On the bank of the green river, long ago! I'm pretty sure that the part you quoted was, in some form, present in the very first hand-scribbled notes that I made about this fic idea. I'm glad I managed to include it in the final draft.

[lilacsolanum]

I'm really feeling grateful for the unspoken rule in fandom that if you don't like a fic, just click off. It's free and it's a hobby, so there's no need to leave a critical review. Every now and then I'll see people whine about that, which. Wild. But like. Hey, don't.

In 2020, I lost more than just my job. I lost my entire life path. I lost the future I had planned for myself. I worked in the service industry, and that industry will never, ever be the same. It might look like it's snapped back from the outside, but it hasn't. Obviously, everyone life changed permanently, a literal global level of shift, and I'm not exactly special. Myself and my family and friends all came out of it healthy and I'm so grateful. Still, man, for me more than most people I know, shit was like the Thanos snap. One day, half my life was gone.

I had two choices: despair, or make the best of it. I've been called to performing my entire life, but never pursued it due to self-doubt. Well, when I was unemployeed and desperate, I suddenly decided to jump into audiobook narration with no plan and no training. And somehow, I got gigs. I started working with an author who was on the verge of blowing up, who didn't have the budget to find a trained professional at the time so used someone with potential who would work for an appropriate payrate. I recorded my first series giving 200%, which is 100% more than anyone wants to listen to in an audiobook narrator. I'm incredibly proud of my first efforts and invested the money I made in coaching and equipment upgrades, but as the author's fanbase grew, so do people's expectations of the narration.

It's been uhhhhhhhhh a wild ride. I'm so grateful that I got lucky, but also, do not recommend this situation to anyone. While I am improving and growing, most of my books are a little rough, and the one star reviewers are fucking LETTING. ME. KNOW. All caps, rage filled, terrible spelling and b'grammar'd passionate reviews on every audiobook retailer imaginable are out there for me to obsess over in at my low points. Which is often. Remember when I said I suffer from crippling self-doubt? Mama I am dragging my stubborn ass through this accidental career pivot of mine out of spite rather than pride. It's not fun.

They have a right to speak their mind, as most of them paid for the book! So if you hate it, go off! But still! Sometimes I combat that by reading comments on my fanfiction. The majority of comments I receive on AO3 are positive with a few mild exceptions, and those are easy for me to shake off because of the support I've received. The positive comments motivate me to improve my writing just as much as the negative comments on my acting do, except being positively motivated makes that improvement go faster and a more pleasant journey. It's a nice, safe place for me. I don't appreciate the culture of no negative comments because I don't accept that negative criticism is a part of putting yourself out there creatively. I accept it very much. I appreciate them because I AM a professional creative and people pay for products I've produced and have every right to express their opinions on it and it's so important I have a space where I don't have to deal with that.

So thank you, those who suppress the urge to leave negative comments on fanfic. And thank you to people who leave kind reviews. You never know what someone is going through, and my god, kind comments on my fic inspire me to work even harder as a performer, because one day, I want to receive equal positivity for both ventures. Thank you for fueling my ambitions with kindness.

[fangedjustice]

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

*slaps lloyd* this idiot

Lloyd is a control freak in particular when it comes to people he loves dearly. He keeps a pretty good lid on it, but he likes to know what the plan is, what people are doing and when, where he can usually find someone.

This very much stems from being The Older Brother, which has been doubled down on because he did a lot of the managing with Linus throughout their childhood. Canonically, their birth mother is never known; she's either dead or removed from the picture. Serena, however, has lovingly picked up this unknown and created a character I love to death in our writing together. In our own little playground, their mother leaves the family after some time -- both boys are still fairly young, but old enough to where she feels as less guilty about the choice as she'll be able to. This leaves Brendan, a mercenary, to handle two kids on his own. Which, in turn, means Lloyd -- being three years older than Linus -- is put into a caregiving role when Brendan has to work.

It comes from a place of caring, but it can get fucking neurotic at times and it can be stifling.

Lloyd is also prone to severe, fast-spiraling depression! Canonically, this is seen when he's the surviving brother in game. There is an initial anger when he finds his brother dead, but...that anger shifts very, very quickly into resignation and suicidal ideation. His grief is not loud or raging or full of tears. He feels responsible -- that was his baby brother, he should have been looking out for him, no matter how much trust he has in Linus he should have known better, done more, something! Lloyd doesn't even really believe that the Lycians are responsible for Linus' death, and speaking to Nino and Legault showcase this to a sad, chilling degree.

He just wants to die. He doesn't even really want to take any of them out with him, as he previously stated, he just doesn't want to be in a world where his brother is dead and he feels like it was his fault. Justice is no longer a motivation. Even his surviving family and friends are not something he considers living for in this moment. If it weren't for the loyalty of his men, I truly think Lloyd would have faced the Lycians alone. (of course those deaths just...add to the guilt he feels, which spirals further and there's just...I don't think he would have come out of it, even if he lived)

While this doesn't crop up too often over things in his day to day life, at least to this degree, he's a chronic overthinker and he gets in his own head way too much. He puts on a good face, but decisions he's made weigh on him heavily. He is very much mentally split into two people -- or, two things, I guess, in his own view of it.

The man that is honorable and caring, and gentle; a lover of books and knowledge, and sappy poetry. And then there's the Wolf. The Wolf is ambition and pride and dark deeds, cloaked in the veneer of justice and idealistic desires. There's both a clear distinction between the two in his head, and lines that get blurred far too often. He has such a hard time settling the both in his heart and mind, and I think this stagnates him where he currently is:

He wants to do good things, be better, reclaim the feelings he used to have towards his actions and thoughts. But the reality of some of the things he did feels...counter to this, and reconciling these doubts and disconnects and regrets is keeping him from fully moving forward.

I think I've sort of lost my train of thought, but there is a lot wrong with Lloyd and despite his talk and overall desire to improve, I think he's incredibly stuck in his own head and past.

[zorkaya-moved]

❛ i’m not paranoid . people really do leave once they realize they can’t fix me . ❜ jumpscares you

@sunsetsbird

It irks her. At any point someone tries to hurt her pride, she could care less for her confidence in herself was above Mt. Olympus itself and rivaling Zeus himself. However, it was another matter when someone would cause her loved one’s confidence and his self-views to fluctuate, tremble, crack. Friends come and go, she accepted it with those who had left since their childhood and those who stayed since those old days. It’s natural to her, but what does it mean to Cove? He already seemed to have a smaller circle of people around him as she noticed, but it never really seemed to matter to him... or was she wrong? It was bad to assume, but she was so used to his company and treasured every single moment that she might’ve overlooked the general time spending with others. Her ambition sometimes blinded her, made her tunnel-vision on only certain people like her parents, Cove, Cove’s father, and several friends of theirs. 

Zarina’s concern is written all over her face without any shyness, hands reaching to be placed on top of his, and she searches in his face and in his eyes what brought this on. What happened? Who caused this? Was there anything she could do for him? Devotion and loyalties shine, burn brightly for him and him alone. This young man, - a boy who was crying, all snot and tears, back on the hill behind her house - was everything she ever dreamed of, ever wished for, ever cared about so deeply without a question or doubt. Who would dare to harm her beloved’s self-esteem? It didn’t matter if it truly hurt him in a way she thought, the most important part remained: Cove Holden was in distress and Zarina’s first reaction was to end whoever’s career she needed to. 

“But why do they even attempt to fix you when there is nothing to fix?” She is confused and she does not understand that. In her eyes, he is everything a person would wish to be. A bit dorky, determined, funny, adorably awkward, handsome to boot, and a wonderful surfer? What wasn’t wonderful in him? Yes, they both had their flaws, but the virtues outweigh those so easily. How could anyone wish to ‘fix’ him who is so kind and so deeply loved? A young boy turned young man, he had plans and he had gone through so much. He was patient with her, helping her defeat her phobia of deep water and helped her get back to surfing. He who always had that determination to climb her window even in the middle of the night, his bravery (or foolishness) to speak his opinion if she were getting slammed with criticism by their classmates when she didn’t care. He who had such warm hands and gentle eyes when he looked at her, shuffling when he felt shy or awkward or embarrassed. He who did his best to show how he feels even if it takes time, but she is always willing to wait for him without any trouble. He was her dream, he was her treasure, he was her soulmate (she’d use this word only with him as this romantic notion seemed fitting). “They’re such idiots. Their fucking loss.” 

She huffs, closing her eyes for a moment before stepping closer to the person who smelled like the ocean and who always felt so warm. It’s so obvious how much warmer he is when she holds his hand in her palms, letting her thumb caress over his skin. He is warm and he is precious, they are humans who are not perfect but imperfections made them who they are, too. The good and the bad, the best and the worst, the funny and the serious. Her touch remains gentle and careful with him, searching for his eyes to meet her own so he would know that she was here for him, always. Their beginnings and always will be there, it won’t change. She knew how stubborn he could be, how he acted when he was bottling emotions up, how he would act when he’s angry or agitated or stressed, how he needed help here and there but so did she! Who was perfect? No one, but in her eyes he was the definition of perfection by her own standards. He was perfect for her not in a sense that he had no flaws, but because he did and she loved him for those as well. 

“They do not deserve you, Cove. The right people will remain no matter what, no matter what arguments or struggles happen. They will remain in your life,” as did his parents, as did their friends, as did she. “If they leave because you do not meet their pathetic images created inside their heads with IQ lower than a monkey’s, then they can go fuck themselves with a metal pipe up their asses.” Her aggression is quelled immediately as she notices it slipping, shaking her head a bit to toss those thoughts away before looking up at Holden and letting a soft smile appear on her face. “You are wonderful as you are. I’m sorry for calling you paranoid, it was uncalled for.” Did... did she just apologize? Of course, before Cove and their families she’d always apologize if she were wrong, but others? It would be nigh impossible.

[user5726816393]

"My parents were tasked with the job of survival and I with self-actualization. The immigrant generational gap is real. What a luxury it is to search for purpose, meaning, and fulfillment." - Bo Ren

A friend of mine shared this quote somewhere and it's stuck with me for a long time. Even as recently as my 30th birthday a week ago, I was reciting it to my mom as we were talking about growing up. I had suggested that maybe my siblings and I had been given too much freedom to pursue our dreams, and that the tiger parenting so ubiquitous with Asian parents should have maybe been cranked up a notch. Entirely unfair, and honestly a bit hypocritical considering I was the sibling that was spearheading the "follow your dreams" fight in our family, and paving that way for my siblings to follow suit.

"You don't have to major in engineering or become a doctor, or any of that. You don't have to make tons of money or struggle on the same path all of the other preppy Asian kids do. Throw yourself into your hobbies, your passions, live a simple life and be happy."

Well, my siblings both still took the engineering and health sciences route anyway, and I ended up going to law school, so how exactly did the tiger parenting not work? I think I sowed the seeds of doubt when really, me and my siblings needed the discipline, guidance, and push to find success. A "this is good, but it could be better" sort of situation. I can't 100% speak for my siblings, but I believe they'd agree that despite embarking on our search for meaning and fulfillment, we haven't yet found our life calling and there's been a bit of aimless wandering. It probably would have been more productive for us to have been pushed harder to find academic and professional success, and then pivot later if we ever did find our calling elsewhere. At the very least, the excellence in ambition and work ethic may have been transferable?

Idk. My whole family is so stubborn. Maybe expecting more out of us was a lost cause and this was always destined to be our path. My siblings and I still have time to prove that it wasn't all a mistake, and we are truly where we need to be. At the very least, I'd like to just say that none of this "maybe my mom should have done this" is to insinuate that my mom made any mistake raising us as she did. The fact that my mom heard us out, took our personal happiness into account, and let us be free to seek our own paths against the grain of traditional Asian parenting speaks volumes of her love for us.

Even speaking with her today, she doesn't see her decision as a compromise, that she was sacrificing her pride in us for our mental health and happiness. No, she's been unconditionally proud of what we've achieved regardless. Truly, what a luxury it is. Thank you, mom.

[maryjanewagner]

An Outcast: An Introduction

My life has always followed an unconventional path. My parents, once wealthy and self-made, faced a dramatic fall from grace, leading my mother to take desperate and in my eyes undignifying measures to provide for us. I became aware of the situation early on.

Despite these challenges, we lived comfortably—I had a horse, went on holidays, and didn’t feel deprived. Yet, I was always aware of the underlying issues, and I felt a big sense of shame and discomfort.

Fortunately, I developed a strong sense of self-confidence, curiosity, and passion. Driven by a desire to overcome the limitations of my parents' background, I sought to educate myself and better my circumstances. My parents, though not unkind, were rather straightforward and lacked refinement. Their approach to life was direct and confrontational, and my upbringing involved both physical and emotional hardships. At 16, I moved in with a 24-year-old Syrian refugee who, in hindsight, exploited and traumatized me. After a year, I managed to leave him, though he became violent and stalked me.

Academically, I excelled despite a somewhat non-traditional approach. I often missed classes but still achieved good grades. I craved intellectual challenges and a supportive community of like-minded individuals. My frustration with a perceived lack of ambition among my peers led to feelings of isolation. By 17, I had experienced profound disillusionment with material possessions and was dealing with significant personal trauma. This made it difficult to relate to others my age, who were focused on interests I had outgrown.

Now, at 21, I am a student of politics and law at a reputable university in a progressive town in Germany. I have traveled extensively across Europe, hosted numerous guests, worked demanding jobs in the service industry, served as president of two international student organizations, and am currently living in the shared space of an old British gentleman.

Through my most recent ex-boyfriend, who is now a close friend and an esteemed scholar with connections to Yale and Harvard, I had the opportunity to live in the U.S. for three months. During this time, I met my current boyfriend, who has a fascinating family background. His mother is a division leader at Yale Hospital, his father is an artist in New York City, his brother is a successful neuroscientist, and several of his uncles are prominent professors and writers.

Despite never having an official role in these environments, I’ve managed to gain unique experiences that many of my peers could only imagine. I’ve participated in seminars and lectures with prestigious professors at Yale regularly make effort to attend academic discussions at every chance I get. For example, I recently I attended a talk by Kwame Anthony Appiah and had him sign his book for me.

I take pride in my bold and unconventional approach. I am open, friendly, and adept at connecting information and people. With my determination for self-improvement and knowledge, I am confident that I will achieve my goals.

This blog serves as a reminder of my progress and potential. I’ve been sharing my thoughts on Tumblr since February, but here, I want to focus specifically on my academic journey and document my growth. I aim to showcase my evolution from a challenging background to a determined scholar.

Currently, I face several challenges: I recently lost my second job at a bar, leading to a period of self-doubt and unproductivity. The past few weeks have been difficult; I’ve struggled with job applications, irregular sleep, poor eating habits, and falling behind on my studies. Creating this blog is my way of finding motivation and staying on track.

[kanisema-blog]

The salty breeze whipped through my hair, the rhythmic crash of waves against the shore a constant lullaby. Boracay was a kaleidoscope of colors - the turquoise water, the pristine white sand, the vibrant flora that lined the beach. But for 10-year-old Babe Bayola, the most captivating sight was the man building a sandcastle with my little brother, Enzo.

His name was Rafael. Tanned and with a mop of unruly black hair, he was a year older than me, the son of our family friends. We spent the entire vacation inseparable, constructing elaborate sandcastles, chasing hermit crabs along the shore, and giggling as we buried each other in the warm sand. It was a childhood friendship, innocent and pure, but it sparked a flame within me, a tiny ember that flickered to life every time our families vacationed together.

Years flew by in a flurry of school plays, awkward teenage phases, and stolen glances across crowded rooms. Rafael, ever the athlete, excelled in basketball, his name synonymous with every victory our school team achieved. I, on the other hand, found my passion in fashion. My room became a haven of fabrics, sketches, and discarded patterns. I dreamt of becoming a designer, of dressing women in clothes that made them feel powerful and beautiful.

One summer, the ember within me flared into a raging inferno. We were both 18, on the cusp of adulthood. Our families rented a beach house in Batangas, a place that seemed to exist outside of time. One starlit night, a shared bonfire crackled between us, casting flickering shadows on our faces. We talked for hours, about dreams and fears, hopes and aspirations. As the fire died down to embers, Rafael took my hand, his touch sending shivers down my spine. We leaned in, and our first kiss was a revelation, a collision of unspoken emotions held captive for years.

The following years were a whirlwind of stolen moments, late-night phone calls, and furtive glances across crowded college hallways. Rafael, ever the charmer, pursued basketball professionally, his name lighting up the national leagues. I, fueled by love and ambition, launched my own fashion line, "Babe." My designs, a fusion of elegance and comfort, resonated with women, and my brand took off.

Distance, however, tested the strength of our bond. Rafael's grueling schedule kept him on the road, while my burgeoning business demanded my constant attention. We snatched moments of happiness whenever we could, stolen weekends and late-night video calls. Yet, a silent fear gnawed at me - could our love survive the relentless pursuit of our dreams?

The turning point came on the eve of my biggest fashion show. The pressure was immense, and self-doubt gnawed at me. As I sat backstage, overwhelmed by the chaos, a familiar hand squeezed mine. It was Rafael, his presence a balm to my anxieties. He whispered words of encouragement, his unwavering belief in me a source of immense strength. That night, the show was a triumph. The models glided down the runway, my creations coming alive under the spotlight. But the most rewarding moment was seeing Rafael in the front row, his eyes filled with pride and love.

In the years that followed, our love story unfolded like a well-crafted garment, beautifully woven with threads of success, challenges, and unwavering commitment. Rafael retired from basketball, his fame transitioning into a successful sports apparel brand. My fashion line flourished, gracing the wardrobes of celebrities and socialites alike. We built a life together, a testament to the enduring power of our childhood connection.

Today, as I stand on the balcony of our beachfront home in Boracay, the same place where it all began, I glance at Rafael, his hair now streaked with silver, but his eyes still holding the same warmth from our youth. We've weathered storms, celebrated victories, and grown together. And as the sun dips below the horizon, painting the sky in hues of orange and pink, I know that our love story, like the tide, will ebb and flow, forever drawn to the shore of each other's hearts.

[letterstodreams]

Slices of Reality

We can experience life through our own slice of reality, a narrow, filtered view, colored lens, tunnel vision. In some ways, maybe it's nature sometimes, different personality types that naturally see a different range and color and lighting of life's experiences. In other ways, it may be our environment or choices, aware or accidental. Nature and nurture blend in many different mixes of individuals who can also change over time. We sometimes see superimposed images that cover everything with our own fixations and distorted deluded assumptions, impervious to seeing the light and truth. The beam in the eye of the one trying to remove the mote from the other's eye, from that Bible verse.

And so it feels like my family and I dwell in different slices of reality. it feels to me like some members of my family probably really feel entirely good, happy, and as though they are great people, kind, caring, upstanding citizens and members of their family. And everyone else sees them that way, or at least, as far as I know most may see them that way. Then again, for all I know, those people are really actual narcissists, who do a great job at fooling people with their charm and putting on the appearance of being a good person. Some narcissists can do such a good job at acting that even their own spouses and children can be confused and believe they are really great people, loving, sincere, model citizens and perfect family members, ideal people all around. Or so they say, and I have experienced this with my husband, at one time. At one time, I think I felt that way about my parents, too, though I still haven't figured out whether they're both true narcissists (but one is, I feel sure).

Anyway, even with people who create great disharmony and inflict all kinds of hate and wrongful judgment and division among their family, they may still be seen as good people by many. They may see themselves that way as well. And when I visit my family, I get the feeling as though they are living in an entirely different world from me, inside their heads. Everything that has shaped them to be the way they are, to feel the things they do, and see things as they see them, is foreign to my own world. It's not that we have nothing in common, but that the overlap is so small that it really hardly counts for much at all. Most of the time, even when I have things in common with them, it's like the right thing at the wrong time, or in the wrong amount. Our common interests even rub each other the wrong way and overwhelm each other, and lead to this sense of alienation for me.

For me, more so than for them, because I doubt if they really notice or care much about my own behavior towards them. I am mostly just a bystander, and onlooker, at their gatherings, quiet, barely able to speak or respond, inundated with their emotions and judgments and chatter and noise and hyperactivity. Flooded with their interests and conversations about which I feel little sense of understanding, and almost no sense of caring or pleasure. They seem to revolve around a constant fluster of energy and enthusiasm about things that leave me feeling hollow and lonely and bored and agitated inside.

On the other hand, the things my world revolves around are things that they seem oblivious towards, or filled with hate and deep scorn and dismissive towards. I also notice that they revolve around feelings of pride, superficiality, competitiveness, ambition, judgmentalness. In these attitudes, they often end up judging me and people like me, either directly or through implication.

They often make fools out of themselves with their sheer arrogance and superficial showing off. It's clear they're not as great and special as they think they are, and the things they compete over and obsess upon are shallow, greedy things. They veer away from the path of deeper humility, deeper self-expression, compassion, open-mindedness, playfulness, innocence, naturalness.

I guess all of this is pretty common in the modern day world of polarized politics and hate, and social media fakeness and competitive showing off of wealth and fake happiness, fake love, fake virtue. It's even common all throughout history, as evidenced in the Bible and Qu'ran and other spiritual and philosophical teachings. These contain many warnings against superficiality, hypocrisy, greed, trying to focus too much on impressing others. It's human nature, or culture, I guess, to create these problems.

But it seems to me that they are totally self-satisfied, happy, proud, content, and secure that they are living good lives, good people, superior and full of pleasure and peace in their lives. Yet they callously judge, exclude, and live lives of smallness, pettiness, unawareness, mean, cruel, judgmental and deluded. Their whole lives into old age can be spent in this way, with never a doubt nor a sense of dissatisfaction seeming to enter their minds, as they buzz around, high on their lively and shallow and self-important diversions.

I feel like I am full of ideas and perceptions that they can't see, but if they could see them, they also wouldn't want to see, and wouldn't feel drawn to care. They don't want to know, and slam shut their minds and hearts and the slightest hint of what they don't want to face or admit, and those they don't want to love or care about, including me. I, on the other hand, am left with this aching yearning inside, full of the search for meaning and answers, for caring and connection, for insight and expression and creativity. But since I can't find like minds to connect with over these things, I end up in great pain and confusion, overwhelm and loneliness. Because I'm more sensitive and self-aware, I'm continually trampled by insensitive, self-centered people who are blind to the deeper, more complex issues that they don't even care about.

They can manage to trample me, neglect, scorn me, judge me, all the while feeling like they are saints themselves, and barely even registering my existence. They spin on their happy, self-absorbed reels, which are constantly spewing offense and inconsideration, without even realizing or caring. It's like their needs are a very small, narrow scope of selfish and simple things, and mine are a big, complex array of sensitive, caring, and creative things, but also sometimes, painful, confused, needy things.

Their needs are easier and simpler to meet, and mine are difficult and rare to satisfy. I will always be seen as weak, strange and a failure by them because I can't just be happy, easy to please, can't just blend in with the world they live in. They feel happy themselves, so they think, why can't I just blend in with their clearly happy, wonderful lives? They think they've got it all figured out and whoever can't do what they do just isn't trying hard enough or doing it the right way.

The things is, it feels to me like this dynamic plays out all over the place, in varying degrees and in varying ways, all through society and culture and various social groups that I've tried to take part in. I feel like my needs and what I'm aware of and feel are so much more intricate, diverse and vast, than what many people experience or are aware of. Therefore I'm always stumbling, lagging behind, misunderstood, and unseen, suffering, staggering, weighed down with it all.

And people just don't get it, don't see me, or only see my suffering, awkwardness, loneliness, stumbling, sad and depressed and anxious overwhelm, social isolation, despair and disillusion, fumbling to articulate my ideas and feelings. They see all this and think that I'm the one who is lacking, failing, flawed. But what if it's just that their slice of reality is simpler, easier, more common, and that is why they find so many ready friends, easy satisfaction in life, happy self-confidence and feeling of virtue and superiority?

I see this again and again among different situations where I feel unseen, unheard, treated with unkindness and insensitivity and subtle scorn or heavy, clear scorn from others. I carry this burden of this complex, big slice of reality with boundaries and edges that flap and bleed into everything, because I care and see and sense too much and feel and know and try too much. It's not something to brag about, and I'm not trying to brag.

It's something to heal from, to continually heal myself from, to make sure I remember how to heal this pain by reminding myself that no, it's not me that's lacking and wrong and inferior, despite all their judgments and exclusions and scorning pity. The only truth and redemption that feels real and right here for me is that actually, my reality is bigger, deeper and more aware and caring. But the shame or sadness and burden is that it's very difficult to act in caring, functional ways with so much disconnect and isolation and cruelty that I get to sense and experience because of all of this. If we were to judge someone's life on the way they act from the outside, I look to be quite a failure, don't I? Hiding away, suffering, maybe eventually losing the fight if I'm not lucky. But I don't judge it that way either, though it's hard not to sometimes feel like a failure when I want there to be some kind of moral standard to live up to, and I don't know where to set the bar in this shifting seas of confusion and overwhelm where I seem to dwell by my very nature.

[enneagram-reblogs]

Enneagram Types in Relationships: Type Three.

From NineTypesCo by Steph Barron Hall.

In relationships, Threes are often charismatic, energetic, engaging, driven, & adaptable. Threes value competence and genuine care. Threes easily adapt in a given situation, yet in relationships they are seeking someone who can complement or match their intensity. When less healthy, they may become preoccupied with achievement, success, or another measure of their worth to the point that their partner feels that they have to compete for the Three’s attention (and always lose to the Three’s other interests). They are searching for a space to let their guard down, but it often takes time to find it. Threes are image-conscious and busy, yet underneath their search for worth is a deep desire to be valued for who they truly are.

Type Three & Type One

Strengths: We're task-oriented, and we impress others with how much we accomplish. We support one another's endeavors, and when we have conflict, we both believe that staying rational is the best way to figure things out. The One admires the Three's can-do attitude and ability to get things done while the Three appreciates the One's responsibility and commitment.

Weaknesses: We are so task-oriented that date nights can feel like a business meeting. The One might see the Three's shape-shifting as shallow or manipulative, while the Three sees the One's principled approach to life as too rigid or stifling. The Three may feel criticized, while the One may feel dismissed, and fights can end with a stubborn digging-in of heels.

Type Three & Type Two

Strengths: We are charming, engaging, and passionate. The Two offers acceptance, affirmation, and warmth to the Three; this type of love reminds the Three that they do not have to perform to be valuable. The Three offers the Two energy, ambition, and liveliness, which help the Two feel inspired to follow their passions and achieve their dreams. We give each other lots of attention, and we value strong interpersonal connection, social engagement, positivity, and charm. Our confidence, attractiveness, and radiant energy make us a dynamic, impactful pair.

Weaknesses: We have a hard time acknowledging and understanding our own feelings, which can be a challenge when at- tempting to relate to one another. The Three can be over- whelmed by the Two's helpfulness and desire for emo- tional connection, while the Two can feel forgotten due to the Three's ambition and task-orientation. We both tend to cultivate busy lives, making it challenging to find the true, deep connection we both desire.

Type Three & Type Three

Strengths: We are charming, successful, and sociable. Together, we can do awesome things! We both prioritize efficiency, and we take pride in our work and each other. We are very supportive of one another, and we love to encourage each other. We both want to be outstanding and admired, yet beneath our desire for success is a longing to be seen as valuable and worthy for who we are. Because we feel mirrored in the relationship, we are able to see behind the mask and find a loving, caring, genuine person underneath. We bring out the best in each other & those around us.

Weaknesses: We want to get straight to the point, so we rarely leave time for feelings. We pack our days with busyness and long to-do lists, and relational check-ins aren't always on our radar. We have a tendency to gravitate toward fast-paced lifestyles, which means sometimes we wear ourselves out, leading to withdrawal. This rarely happens on the same schedule, so we can find ourselves caught in opposite cycles of achievement and exhaustion. We don't like to admit failure, and sometimes apologizing feels like we've failed even when trying really hard to be a good partner.

Type Three & Type Four

Strengths: We are intense, communicative, and earnest. The Three brings practicality, ambition, energy, and structure to the relationship, which helps the Four silence their self-doubts and be more present in the world. The Four offers depth, introspection, and meaning, all of which help the Three slow down and look inside. We both help each other pay attention to the things that truly matter to us. We have a very balanced dynamic of meaning, sensitivity, strong communication, and poise.

Weaknesses: We have very different emotional temperaments, so we sometimes don't understand each other. The Three finds the Four's emotionality to be overwhelming or irrational, while the Four finds the Three's lack of emotionality to be fake or apathetic. The Three feels that the Four is standing in their own way: they see the Four's potential and can't understand why they don't take action. The Four finds the Three's busyness to be futile if it doesn't also include space for beauty, connection, and actually living their life.

Type Three & Type Five

Strengths: We are competent, efficient, and inventive. We both tend to become experts in our interests, and we admire one another's expertise. The Three brings confidence, energy, and sociability to the relationship, while the Five offers creativity, depth, and objectivity. The Three's assertive nature combined with the Five's thoughtfulness and penchant for thorough research makes for a dynamic and steady coupling. The Five stabilizes the Three, and the Three brings the Five out of their shell.

Weaknesses: A common point of conflict is the speed with which we move through life. Fives tend to move at a considered pace. Their measured approach helps them conserve their energy so that they feel steady and unflustered. Threes tend to think on their feet and find questions or any encouragement to slow down as obstacles to conquer. Frustration can grow, and we end up feeling as though we're in a tug-of-war as we pull opposite directions. Each of us can learn something from the other, but we have to give a little to get there.

Type Three & Type Six

Strengths: We are hardworking, resilient, and faithful. The Three loves to highlight the strengths in others, so they tend to point out the best in the Six, giving the Six the encouragement they need to pursue their passions. Meanwhile, the Six keeps the Three grounded and helps them slow down and enjoy life a bit more. The Six's transparency and honesty can help the Three feel more comfortable to open up and find the emotional connection they're looking for. We are both dutiful and responsible, and once we trust each other, we make a good team.

Weaknesses: The Six values loyalty, so the Three's shapeshifting can cause the Six to feel like they can't trust them. The Three's hard-driving energy can conflict with the Six's cautious nature, which can cause the Three to feel like the Six is holding them back. The Three may get exasperated with the Six's questions and may charge on ahead without them, stirring the Six to lose trust and move into self-protection mode. When the Six expresses a lack of trust, the Three may feel they've done everything they can to be trustworthy and give up.

Type Three & Type Seven

Strengths: We are vivacious, gregarious, and adventurous. We play well off of one another's strengths, and there's never a dull moment! The Three helps the Seven be more aware of others' feelings and can keep the busy Seven focused on their goals. The Three brings poise and sensitivity to the relationship. The Seven helps the Three relax and have fun: their spontaneous energy and endless knowledge keep things interesting. The Seven brings resilience and courage to the relationship.

Weaknesses: Since we both stay busy to avoid our feelings, conflict. can often go unspoken. The image-conscious Three can feel embarrassed by the Seven's boisterous energy and tendency to say whatever is on their mind. The idealistic Seven can get frustrated with the Three's practicality and desire for constant productivity. We can both be sensitive to feelings of loss or rejection and may "quit while we're ahead" rather than risk abandonment.

Type Three & Type Eight

Strengths: We are intense, influential, and lively. We are passionate and assertive, and we both go after what we want in life. We appreciate that we've found someone who can match our energy. The Eight offers the Three a safe space to land: because they aren't easily swayed, the Three can be the fullest version of themselves, and the Eight will not be bulldozed by their intensity. The Three helps the Eight let go of control a little: being with a competent, responsible partner lets the Eight off the hook so they don't feel like they have to do it all alone.

Weaknesses: We can both be extreme in our personalities. Just as we match each other in positive ways, we can also match each other in tension and conflict. The Eight can easily see under the Three's outer performance, and this can cause the Eight to feel they can't trust the Three. They fear betrayal, so they will only trust those who are reliable & authentic. The Three tends to take the emotional temperature of the room and may shy away from the Eight's anger, unsure if it's safe or not to coexist.

Type Three & Type Nine

Strengths: We are encouraging, purposeful, and people-oriented. The Nine offers the Three space to be themselves because the Nine is not focused on the Three's achievements. The Nine offers love and acceptance to the Three just for being. The Three offers the Nine encouragement to find their voice and follow their dreams. The Three sees the Nine's potential and is their biggest cheerleader. We provide each other balance and reciprocity, and we both want to be at peace with one another.

Weaknesses: Our differing energies can cause conflict. The Three may feel like the Nine is holding them back from achieving their goals, and the Nine may feel like the Three is leaving them in the dust and does not make time for the relationship. The Three can get frustrated by the Nine's perceived inaction, while the Nine can feel rushed by the Three's desire to move faster. When the Nine is pushed, they tend to dig in their heels and withdraw.

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