#that’s why whenever he touches me it makes me nauseous right

[hexgh0ul]

Apparently I made my grandfather cry because I didn’t go to Thanksgiving dinner but nobody has ever said anything to my dad when he makes me cry by fucking hitting me or yelling at me or berating me or my mom or my sister. He does whatever the fuck he wants and it’s fine it’s so fucking fine but I don’t go to one fucking holiday dinner and everyone’s pissed at me for making my grandfather cry as if not going to see him hasn’t been eating away at me all fucking week. As if I fucking like not seeing my fucking grandparents. I fucking named myself after him. Of course I want to see him. Of course I want to see them. But I don’t want to see him. And I always have to see my grandparents at my parents house. They can’t just come here for five fucking minutes that’s asking too damn much and I’m the fucking family cunt for not going to Thanksgiving dinner even though I’ve already had two panic attacks about it and my father just fucking sits there undisturbed because nobody’s ever like “hey dude why can’t you just be nice to your kid”. Because asking him to be nice is asking too much and everyone knows it and I’m the cunt for not wanting to put up with it anymore. I had to push my bed against the wall because I kept freaking out at night and having nightmares and couldn’t sleep because of him. I’m fucking 27. But he never did anything and even if he did he’d never apologize and somehow I’m the family cunt.

[deadsnakey]

𝐒𝐋𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍 𝐁𝐎𝐘𝐒 —> 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐎˚ᡴꪫ

๋࣭ ⭑⚝ fluff ೀ Headcanons. . .ᐟ 10k words 𐙚˙⋆.˚ ┈─★

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

જ⁀➴ He has a lot of issues and anger, but he tries his best to control it around you.

જ⁀➴ has never raised his voice at you because of this.

જ⁀➴ I think he's all scary and intimidating, but once you get to know him, like know him, he's genuinely sweet and a decent person.

જ⁀➴ loves being around you, he feels comfortable enough to be himself around you and that's a privilege.

જ⁀➴ loves physical touch, knowing you're still with him is reassuring and grounding for him.

જ⁀➴ spoils the actual shit out of you dude, your complaints will be shushed with a soft kiss and soft eyes, "I love you, let me spoil you, okay?"

જ⁀➴ a bad boy on the streets a gentleman in the sheets.

જ⁀➴ his friends definitely remind him how gone and whipped he is for you on a weekly and he doesn't deny it, he knows and is fine with it.

જ⁀➴ if yes ever making you uncomfortable or doing sum you don't like, he stops immediately and never does/says it again. He'd hate for you to be uncomfortable let alone from him.

જ⁀➴ loves showing you off and will shamelessly do it, because you're a goddess why wouldn't he??

જ⁀➴ I think he's still learning the rights and wrongs while dating you so just put his ass in line and he'll immediately straighten up and act right.

જ⁀➴ he's your bitch, you're his girl.

જ⁀➴ he'll let you boss him around as long as youre happy but God forbid someone else tries to boss him around and they gone (to the hospital wing..lol)

જ⁀➴ will happily watch you get ready even if it's just to go on a walk or to grab a few snacks n stuff from the store or wtvr, will gladly help with wtvr if you ask him too.

જ⁀➴ teased you a lot especially if you get flustered easily butttt knows when to stop and to not take it too far.

જ⁀➴ also he tries only doing it in private or if it's just you two somewhere bc he doesn't want someone else thinking they can also tease you, friends or not.

જ⁀➴ hatesss the thought of losing you, definitely has nightmares and needs to either be held by you or hold you, it just depends how bad it is.

જ⁀➴ feeds you so much, he ain't letting his girl go hungry ever, not on his watch. He'll happily give you his food if you're still hungry or felt like you didn't eat enough.

જ⁀➴ ass man.

જ⁀➴ his and your friends are so nauseous whenever they see you two together because y'all are so sickening In love it's gross. (Don't get fooled they think it's cute.)

જ⁀➴ so soft and clingy in the mornings omfg, dude is pouty, a little whiny and his raspy voice telling you not to leave while holding you closer👁️🫦👁️

જ⁀➴ will be so quick with it if he feels like someone is disrespecting you or being rude to you even a little bit and don't get me started on flirting with you, you need to control your guard dog please!!! He will bite his dick off and leave him bloody and bruised for weeks.

જ⁀➴ true story, you scolded him and made sure he wasn't getting into as many fights after or at least not to the point of last time, but he listens to you because he would hate for you to be disappointed or not happy and especially with him.

જ⁀➴ I don't think Mattheo can live with himself knowing he's the reason you're angry, upset, sad, disappointed or literally anything that is happy or a good emotion.

જ⁀➴ opens doors, gives you his clothes, let's you borrow wtvr you need from him, buys you anything you want, gives you your favorite flowers every date night, give you massages, run you nice and relaxing baths, helps with studies, always with you especially in public.

જ⁀➴ no cause actually ever since y'all started dating you haven't been seen with mattheo with you, either behind you, either side of your or like 2-4 inches behind you watching over you carefully. Like he's a great protector!!

જ⁀➴ my boy working overtime to make sure you're safe and he wouldn't have it any other way tbh.

[riiwrites]

thinking about sigma falling in love w/ his waitress . . . ☁️

he watches you from a far distance, watching and practically staring as he sees the way your eyes light up when you rush over to your next customer. your bright smile adorning your most beautiful features he considered to just be oh so perfect.

he’d always wonder how you were always such a happy thing. you were almost delicate, sensitive, soft. he was afraid to even touch you because if he did he thought you’d just shatter. but he thought that was rather silly to think of such.

when you first came in to be interviewed, he stopped, just like his heart did as soon as he made eye contact with you. the same bright smile you wear now as you touch the hearts of many loyal and soon to be reoccurring customers of the sky casino.

if he had to describe you in one word, he just couldn’t. because there were just so many other words he could describe you in that would mean so much more than just one simple phrase.

he doesn’t know why he’s so scared to go up and talk to you. perhaps he was afraid of the rejection? or perhaps he was afraid of the way his palms would get sweaty and his heart beat was race faster than normal, or maybe it was the way he’d get the sick, nauseous feeling he gets whenever he becomes anxious god why was he anxious whenever he was near you? did your palms get sweaty too? did your heartbeat remain the same as it regularly does when you flash that signature beauty of a smile at him? he just wishes he could see right through you and crack you open and find out what it was that made you so…you.

but oh how he loves it. he relishes in it. it’s a shame he can’t be two feet near you without pivoting and backing out, running to the storage room to gag and throw up.

little did he know though, he wasn’t the only one who was piqued by a certain someone’s expressions and personality.

this was just the beginning.

@heartsfourdazai @poedostoevsky11 @silverbladexyz @atlasnessie @atzuhi @xxcandlelightxx @melluvsuu @saelique @justcallmesakira @decaying-nevermore

woooaa riri is back with a drabble?! yeah im definitely not writing anything for a few weeks after sorry everyone i have NO motivation!! 3:

butttt drumroll please im actually thinking of making this into a series! a sigma x reader series hehe..this being the prologue kind of idk it started off a drabble but I guess we’ll see. i tagged those who i thought might be interested and if you ARE interested please shoot me an ask or comment below.

thank you my beauties, until then <3

✿ riiwrites 2024 ; please refrain from copying, plagiarising or reposting my work anywhere else without crediting.

[soapymansuds]

Eternity and Counting

Pt.3

(Pt1, Pt2)

(I am SOOOOOO sorry I didn't post on Tuesday. Full honestly, I forgot. But today's chapter is a touch longer than usual as an apology. And by just a touch, I mean almost double the length of both previous chapters<3)

Obey me! X Angel!MC (They/Them Pronouns)

TW: Suicide, depression, self-deprecation, death, big feelings, lots of sad.

MC just can't handle anything anymore and takes their own life. Imagine their dismay to find even death isn't the end for them.Keep reading

~/\~

Since that day, my life, or afterlife I suppose, has been relatively simple. When I'm not resting in the garden, I'm running small errands for Michael. It's easy enough to avoid recognition here, but for the sake of my peace of mind, I wear a cloaking spell whenever I'm out. Simeon agreed not to tell anybody about my presence, and in exchange, he asked that I let him join me on my errands, even if he doesn't recognize me. He claims I could have any face in all three realms, and my presence would still bring him comfort. Sometimes he brings me updates on how the others are doing. Usually, he talks about Luke and his growth. He often avoids talking about the Devildom, and whether that's because he doesn't want to upset me or because he simply can't face them knowing what he knows, I've yet to figure out. It's a nice thought, him trying not to remind me of the best part of my life. But it's not overly helpful, given that, even if physical representations of our bonds weren't burned into my skin, everything I do reminds me of them anyway. I know it's selfish of me to make him keep my secret. But to be fair, I decided nearly a year ago that I am an inherently selfish creature, and I've come to terms with it.

Now that I'm on my own, things are easier. Nobody relies on me for much more than fetching papers or goods, and any failures that occur are mine to handle alone. It's simple. It's lonely. But it's simple. And it's good.

I suppose all good things must come to an end though. As I follow my long-since memorized path through the Celestial Palace, I can't help but wonder why I've been summoned. Usually, if Michael has a task for me, he simply brings it to me. But today he asked I meet him in the throne room, so here I am.

I'm greeted as soon as I swing open the door. "MC! Thank you for coming so quickly."

I'm nearly caught off guard by the use of my real name in public. For the sake of secrecy, Michael and Simeon have taken to calling me a fake name for the duration of my stay here.

"How can I help?" I nod as I close the door behind me. I take notice of Simeon's presence and he looks nervous. Never a good sign.

"I have some paperwork I need run to the Devildom. Usually I'd send Simeon, but I need him for another task today and this is rather urgent." Michael grins at me, likely in an attempt to sweeten the plan he's certain I would protest if given the chance.

I'm nearly nauseous at the idea of it. "You're joking, right? I mean this so genuinely, have you lost it?"

There's a flash of amusement on his face before he responds, "I would never make light of your trauma, no I am not joking. You have your cloaking spell, and all you need to do is hand the papers over to Barbatos. Maybe if he's busy, you'll have to hand them to Lord Diavolo himself. But then you can just come straight back. Simple and easy."

I stare at him, dead eyed and confused. "Yeah, seems super simple." I groan, sarcasm laced in every letter. "There's no getting out of this, is there?" I glance desperately at Simeon who seems to have loosened some of the tension in his spine at my pseudo acceptance of the whole ordeal. He shakes his head.

"Fine." I sigh. "Open'r up." with a lazy wave of my arm.

Michael nods, same fatherly grin plastered on his face as always. I'm sure he's convinced he's won some sort of mental battle, and maybe he has. Either way, he summons the portal, and I steal my nerves to step through. "I'm getting two days off when I get back." I call, lunging through the portal.

On the other side, I take a quick moment to make sure my cloaking spell hasn't warn off before looking around. I'm right where I had assumed I'd be. The courtyard's grand arches and elegant gazebo bring a chilly feeling of recognition to the back of my mind. How many gallas and celebrations had I spent out here, in search of some form of peace from the hustle and bustle? How many times had I stumbled upon Levi, or him upon me, in search of the same thing? I think for a moment that I wouldn't mind him stumbling upon me now.

I shake the thought from my mind as quickly as it occurs. Just deliver the paperwork.

I begin the path to the castle without a thought. The trail ingrained into my very psyche. I almost laugh at the thought. I abandoned this place, yet it never left me. What is it Djo said about men and cities?

I never allowed myself to dwell on it from the comfort of Michael's garden, but God did I miss the sky here. Something about the ever present swirling of purples and blues splashed across the stars is purely... divine. Not to say that the Celestial realm wasn't stunning. But there was always this sense of perfectionism, even in the natural landscape. It never felt right to me. Not like this at least. This has always been chaotic, but in the way a toddler helping in the kitchen is chaotic. Sure, shit's a mess and you're near certain it's going to end poorly, but if you take just a moment to watch it unfold, there's beauty in it.

I wish I could have been reborn as a demon.

No. No I don't. Living out the rest of my days, infinite as they may be, facing them with my own selfishness. I'm sure it would kill me a second time.

I'm utterly lost in thought and the view of the sky as I follow the path. So much so, I nearly miss the tail swishing on the ground in front of me. Luckily for me, it bats my ankle gently before I manage to step on it. Double luck, the contact doesn't wake it's sleeping owner.

Belphegor snores softly in the grass next to the path, curled up with his back to me. Something in me instinctively wants to curl up with him, but I know I can't. So instead, I sit. Divine garb be damned, I'm sitting on the dirt, watching him sleep. I consider making a run for it, but the subtle pull he's always had keeps me calm and still. Even in his sleep, even with our pact burned away, his presence still lulls me like a child.

I shake my head as if I were actually dozing off. Was I? Regardless, I stand up, settling to move him out of the trail, just a little. For the sake of the hazard he poses to himself and others. He's as warm as I remember as I press him further into the grass, tucking his tail over his leg before quickly stepping away and back to my task.

A warm feeling I can just barely remember washes over me and stops me in my tracks. How could I, after over a year away, fall so quickly back into routine. Not only how could I, but how dare I? I made my decision, and I've got no right to just wander in here and return to my position, doting and fawning over them. I truly am a selfish creature.

I tried to explain it to them, time and time again. But they simply refused to believe me. I cared so much, not because of them, but because I needed to. I needed to care for them to feel useful. Asmodeus once told me that I was a "pleasure sub". I told him I was willing to rip my own heart out to please him, but mostly because i never much cared for it anyway.

(As always, thank you soooo much for reading. If you'd like to be tagged in future uploads, please comment to be added to the list!)

-Your Friend, The Author

*tags*

@spffldlbrnf

[oddheadd]

Yandere Ex Boyfriend x Reader

CW: Drug use, manipulation, suicidal stuff, Angst, a bit shorter :P

He's doing it again.

I try not to break down immediately as soon as I hear his sick voice, slurring and barely managing to turn words into sentences.

"I... Need you to come here... I took too much..."

I let out a shakey breath. "I'll be right there. Got any Naloxone?"

He groans and I sigh, running into my kitchen and looking for it, left after we broke up. I grab the bottle and reassure him, before hanging up.

He did it again.

Whenever he's left with a slight inconvenience, he starts taking drugs like a starved man. Sometimes to kill himself, sometimes to grab some attention. There have been countless times with me holding his hair while he throws up, giving him Naloxone while trying not to lose my own consciousness 'cause of my boyfriend literally dying.

His condition was hard on our relationship, forcing me into a miserable life of walking on eggshells and trying to keep him alive by giving him all kinds of attention and love, even when I didn't feel like it...

I decided to send him to rehab, and he was doing fine for a few months, hadn't even touched a can of beer.

Now I don't know how to look into his eyes, with his constricted pupils, his skin void of any color and his skinny, hollowed cheeks.

I zone out, not even realizing when I arrive in front of his building. It's old and probably moldy inside. I quickly run up a few set of stairs, and barge into his apartment, the pills ready in my hand.

"Baby? Is that you?" I hear his voice call out for me. I run into the kitchen and end up absolutely flabbergasted.

"Ah, there you are!" He smiles and hugs me tight, burying his face in my neck and... Inhaling deeply.

"Are- Are you alright?" I ask, confused. "...Why is the table set..?"

I pull away from the hug.

He looks... Healthy. His cheeks aren't as hollow, his skin has returned to it's saturated color and his pupils... Are dilated.

It doesn't smell like weed.

"Hey... What's the meaning on this? You seem... Fine."

"I... Got better. Now that you're here especially-!" He chuckles awkwardly. "I knew you'd come... For me. I knew you'd never leave me to die... And I wanted to thank you for all the time you kept me alive."

I stare at him, my brows furrowed. "...Thank me?"

He nods, with an uneasy smile.

I huff. "You're disgusting. You lied that you were dying, just to get me here?"

"...I- Yeah, but-"

I tear up. "Is this a joke to you?!" I yell. "All the nights I've spent taking care of you, just for you to try and kill yourself all over again for shit like me not kissing you goodnight?! Not sucking you off?! Don't call me. Even if you're dying, I won't come to save you again."

I say the last line calmly, setting the pill pottle onto the table with a loud sound, before turning to leave.

"No.. (Y/N) Don't leave..." He frowns. I ignore him.

He grabs my wrist. "If you leave, I'll actually kill myself. My blood will be on your hands."

"Go fuck yourself."

I roughly remove his hand and slam his front door shut.

⁠♡

My ringtone awakens me. I groan as I look at the id, and see his name, along with an old photo of us hugging burns my eyes. I pick up. "If you call me one more time, I'll block your number again."

"Baby... Please, help me..." I hear him sob into the phone. "Couldn't get the 8 ball... I took some pills and I feel nauseous... I need you, please just come here and- and jus hug... Just make me feel loved like you used to... I don't wanna die alone and sad, I want you by my side...."

I hold my breath. "...You're lying again."

Some time passes and he doesn't respond. "...You there?" I ask.

My heart drops at the lack of response and I immediately get up, throw some clothes on and head to his place again. I once again, burst into his apartment and this time see him on his bed with his eyes closed. I tear up as I drop onto my knees next to him. "Can you hear me? Jacob, can you hear me?!" I shake him but it doesn't bring him to consciousness. I take a note of the random medical pill packages on the floor and sit him up, shoving my fingers down his throat to make him throw up.

He gags, his eyes opening as he throws up. I then lay him back down and grab Naloxide from the table.

⁠♡

I lay next to him, the vomit I cleaned few minutes ago still present in my mind, feeling the acid in my nails and the smell. He has his arms wrapped around me tight. His heart is still beating. In fact, it started beating faster, he should be awake.

"...Why do you keep doing this?" I ask, my voice calm.

"...How else do I keep you around?" He asks gently, his voice a little hoarse from sobbing and wailing before on the phone. "I don't wanna live... If you're not with me."

I grit my teeth. "...I hate you." I whimper, before breaking out in sobs.

"...At least you're with me." He says calmly, burying his face in my hair while rubbing my shoulder to calm me down.

A/N: Blehhh felt angsty and sad today. Hope you enjoy!

[endthedream]

a sweet melody

pairing: siren!haechan x human!reader (she/her)

summary: Insanity isn’t what she expected to receive when she joined her father and his crew on an expedition, full of men who think she isn’t capable of anything. But it’s all that she got after seeing nothing but endless water every single day. Maybe that’s why her mind started imagining a strange boy who finally shows her the appreciation she deserves. Maybe that’s why she ignores the way she can’t escape the trance he puts her in whenever he sings a melody for her. Or maybe everything is real, and the boy isn’t who he pretending to be.

words: 12.5k

story colour: green

some warnings:

it’s angst, the word “killing” gets mentioned a few times but nothing happens, heavy manipulation

masterlist of ‘nct dream as super natural creatures’

August 2nd, 1878

Day 25 on sea

I don’t remember the feeling of solid ground under my feet. Grass under my toes, touching stone walls or sleeping in a soft bed that isn’t rocking from the waves crashing against the ship.

I don’t remember the taste of air that isn’t filled with salt. The taste of anything other than fish.

I don’t remember not being nauseous every day, not fighting against boredom, not having to talk to myself in order to stay sane. Having to remind myself that I am me and this expedition isn’t pointless and could possibly make us rich until the day we die.

Father told me to write down my thoughts, he senses that I’m slowly losing my mind. But how can’t I? All I see, day and night, are endless expanses of water. No land in sight. We are miles and miles away from civilization. Alone with the sea and what lays beneath it. That thought can be frightening sometimes.

My brother called me a wimp, told me I should have just stayed at home and let the men handle it. I think he is the one who is a wimp. He’s scared of the power women can hold in a world that is overpowered by men. He doesn’t want me here, thinks I belong only at home like the other women in our city. But I don’t believe that even for one second. I have so much more potential than cooking and taking care of children. I’m an explorer, an adventurer, a researcher. I belong exactly here with my brother, my father and his crew.

I am so much more than all of them point me out to be and I know I can prove exactly that to them. I can prove that women can do all things men have been doing for years, maybe even better. I will prove it, even if it makes me go insane.

August 7th, 1878

Day 30 on sea

I miss my mother. I miss her comforting words, her warm arms and the smell of her perfume. Father misses her too. We talked last night while watching the waves under the moonlit sky. He told me he thinks she is watching over us, protecting us from unknown dangers. He told me that he thinks she is proud of us, especially me, for having the courage to explore the sea. I think he is right. Mother would have loved for us to do the things she always dreamt of doing. Exploring. She always wanted to know what lays beyond the sea, know the secrets behind it and write it all down.

Mother was the creative one in our family. She wrote poems, drew beautiful paintings and crafted useful things out of our waste. There was nothing she couldn’t do, no challenge she couldn’t face. I admired her for that, looked up to her and wanted to be like her. Father says that sometimes he sees a bit of her in me, a bit of her creativity leaking out of my aura, but most of the time I am like him. A big pighead who is way too nosy for their own good. But he also said that this trait will help me on our journey.

“We need people like you.”, he spoke as he looked into the sparkling reflection of the stars on the water. “People who are brave and people who are inquisitive. People who don’t stop when it gets too much and get driven by the passion of wanting to know what lays beneath the unknown. That’s why I want you here.”

“But why did you bring my brother as well? He is nothing like that.” My comment made him let out a quiet laugh, a sound I haven’t heard from him in a while.

“Because he can fight. We need people like that as well.”

Our talk was over after that. He went to sleep, and I stayed up, watching the stars in the dark night sky and thinking about his words. Does he really want me here or is he just being nice to me because I’m his daughter? The others on the ship are not shy to express their dislike for me. I’m not taking it to heart since they care more about my gender than my capabilities. But I care about my father’s opinion. I care what he thinks about me being on this ship with him and if he thinks that I should have stayed at home like everyone else is telling me.

I hope he didn’t lie to me. I hope that his words were sincere, and he actually wants me to be here. Because I think it would shatter me if he didn’t.

I figured I should talk more about my current mental state. Every day I try not to show how much it affects me that even though there are so many people on this ship, I’m still alone. No one wants to talk to me, no one cares about my opinion, and no one wants me here. I spend most of the day watching the ocean, listening to the waves and the birds stopping by. When I see something, an animal or even just seaweed, I write it down and draw a picture of it. It helps me a bit, I think, but I’m not quite sure.

Yesterday a boy, his name is Jisung, let me help him prepare a fish. It was the first time someone had spoken to me without throwing an insult at my head. I haven’t seen him much around the ship since he spends most of the time in the kitchen with his father. But he seemed nice enough, even though as soon as another crew member approached us, Jisung ran away from me, not wanting to be seen with the “intruder”. I wasn’t offended by it, at least I got to eat a nice fish for dinner.

But I’m wandering again. My mental state. I do think I’m getting a bit… well, crazy. But who isn’t? Everyone on this ship is going through the withdrawal of feeling solid ground under their toes and seeing anything other than salt water every single day.

I think we all are slowly losing it.

August 15th, 1878

Day 38 on sea

The air was nice today. It smelled fresher than before, kind of like we entered a new world overnight.

It just felt so clean.

Maybe that’s exactly what I needed, some fresh and clear air, something that removed the mess inside of me as well. Father said that fresh air always helps with an occupied mind. I guess his thesis has been proven right.

I should listen to him more.

He is old and keeps to himself most of the time, but when he actually does talk, it has an impact. Just yesterday two of the men on the boat accidently- in a drunken manor- knocked over two wooden boxes full of fish we haunted, leaving us with not much left. Father was furious, I could tell by the look on his face, but he kept his calm image. He went up to the two men and instead of screaming, he just stared at them for a few minutes. I think his eyes were what intimated them the most.

“You realize what you just did?”, he asked them, and I never heard his voice being so cold. They just nodded their heads, eyes widened like they were deer’s getting hunted by a wolf. “You realize what that means for the two of you?” Hesitation lingered in their demeanor. Clearly, they didn’t know what consequences followed their stupid mistake.

“Since you prevented us from having a week stock of fish, I’m going to do the same to you. That means limited access to food, no alcohol anymore and you are going to clean the boat from front to back. I want to see it spotless. Are we clear?” Again, their heads nodded faster than the wind blowing my hair away. They hurried off after being dismissed, leaving me standing there as father let out a long sigh.

It must be hard, having to be in charge of a bunch of grown men who act like children. And it must be hard seeing your own children having to face some of their own hardships as well. I’m not saying my brother is having a hard time on this ship, I’m saying in general. Someone filled with that much piled up anger, like my brother, must have some troubles they can’t communicate themselves.

It’s not like I have never tried. Talking to him, I mean. I did, plenty of times. But he never listens. And he never talks. I think it is the masculinity they force upon boys these days. It starts in school when they are just little fellows and continues all the way into adult hood. It teaches them not to cry, to hide their emotions and be strong.

I think that is stupid. I think that as human beings we were created to show our emotions. It’s our darn right to let ourselves feel everything freely without having to hide it.

But my brother is taking it seriously, says that the people in school would make fun of him if he’s showing weakness. Weakness. That is stupid. I think that hiding your emotions and building up this wrong image in which you hide behind a made-up strength, is what makes you weak.

I told him that and he just said: “And that’s why you’re a woman. You wouldn’t survive a minute being a man.”

And you wouldn’t survive a minute being a woman either. But I didn’t say that. I didn’t want to make him more upset, and I especially didn’t want to start a discussion about men and women with him. It is pointless, because no matter what I say, he will never see us as equals.

I wish I were closer to my brother. I wish he wouldn’t have to think about all this stupid stuff. And I wish I could live in a world where I could freely express myself without having to justify my every move.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

August 19th, 1878

Day 42 on sea

We saw dolphins today. They were swimming right beside our ship, jumping high up into the air and whistling at us. It was a magical moment, watching them happily swim, eager to interact with us. I even got to draw a picture of them. And for a moment I forgot that my mind is constantly spinning in a spiral. I just sat there, enjoying the short moment of peace, before it got destroyed.

Some of the men on the ship, clearly drunk, threw bottles at the dolphins, slurring insulting words at them. The dolphins swam away shortly after, but the bottles stayed where they threw them, in the ocean. I was so mad that I went up to one of the men, yelling some pretty mean words as well.

“Are you out of your mind, you drunk filthy piece of shit? Not only did you hurt poor helpless animals that were clearly eager to interact with us, but you also polluted the ocean with your stupid bottles of alcohol. Are you really that messed up in your head to think this was a good idea? I don’t even get why you are on this god forsaken ship. You are clearly not good for anything other than drinking your days away and only caring about yourselves. And you call yourself a man. You are nothing but a pathetic little boy, wanting everyone’s attention. You disgust me, you pig.”

I can’t remember much afterwards, only the stinging feeling against my cheek, a foot against my rip cage and someone yelling to stop. I woke up not long ago. The ship is quiet, so I assume it’s already in the middle of the night and everyone is sleeping, but I’m too scared to look. My body hurts, every time I move only a slight bit, a crushing pain curses through my bones.

When I close my eyes, everything is spinning, so I don’t close my eyes anymore.

I don’t regret what I said to that man. I don’t regret standing up to myself. I had to endure a worse treatment for a longer time and could handle it. It is not my fault that he couldn’t handle a bit of critique. All I hope is that this pain will go away soon. The pain inside and outside.

I’ve been thinking, maybe a bit too much. What if I change my way of thinking? What if instead of letting the ocean hurt me, I will let it heal me? What if instead of letting the loneliness consume me, I will let it lead me? Maybe all I have to do to get better is to change the way I approach this expedition.

And now that I have written it down, I will have to do it. My mother always said words only count when you write them on a piece of paper. In that way it is like a contract, unbreakable. It is like an oath you swear only to yourself, and those should be the most precious ones. She said you should always keep the promises you give to yourself, because after all, at the very end you will always have yourself to count on. Mother was a wise lady. A wise and confident woman, that I always looked up to. She was never afraid to speak her mind and stand up for her beliefs, I admired that side of her so much. And I know my dad also admired that.

Sometimes I forget that he lost his wife, I forget that he is still grieving. Because it looks so easy for him. It doesn’t look like he is compulsively taken of on a ship to “explore the unknown” just to get away from home and the recuring memories of the woman he loved so dearly. It looks like he created a team of the best- that’s arguable- men out there and took of to explore. He looks like a hero, not a broken man.

He hides everything so well. I wish he would have taught me how to do that.

August 20th, 1878

Day 43 on sea

Dad told me not to move too much. He thinks my rips are badly bruised and I need a few days, maybe even a few weeks to heal. We don’t have a qualified doctor on this ship, so I am just putting ice on my ribs and hope they will magically heal.

My brother even came to my room to ask me about my well-being. That was the last thing I expected to be quite honest with you. My brother and I have never had the best relationship. He was never a reliable soul, always easily influenced by others. He is a follower not a leader and that shows in the way he behaves towards others, especially towards me.

“Are you fine?”, he asked me, voice unusually soft. I could see it in his eyes, the pity that lies in them. It looked like he actually cares.

“Forgetting the circumstances, yes, I am fine.” He let out a long and deep breath, a hand stroking back a piece of hair that fell into his eyes. I should have asked him if I should cut his hair for him.

“Okay.”, he just answered, nodding his head before standing up again. “If you need anything, just call for me.” Without looking at me again, he left the room. All I could do after that was smile. It was the first encounter since we were kids that didn’t end up with me wishing I would never have to talk to him again. He may not know how to express what he is really feeling and is scared of voicing his own thoughts, but this small conversation showed me that he may not be all too bad.

August 25th, 1878

Day 48 on sea

I am going crazy. I sit on my bed every single day. I draw, I write, and I stare at the wall.

I can feel my thoughts circle around my brain, nothing makes sense. No one visited me in the past two days, and it makes the urge to get up even worse. I didn’t really have someone to talk to from the beginning, but at least I got to be around some living beings. I didn’t have to bear my own thoughts for such a long time. Now I’m not only alone, but I’m also lonely as well.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt about the ship sinking. It was absurd because the men drunk too much and their bellies got so bloated, it made the ship sink. But that wasn’t the frightening part. As I tried to swim for safety, my arms already hurting, I started hearing voices. Not just two, must have been a hundred of them. All of them whispering to me, but I couldn’t understand what they were trying to tell me. I kept swimming and swimming, far behind I saw hills. The voices didn’t stop. It felt like they were entering me, taking over every part of my body. My head felt like it was about to explode into a million pieces. They got louder and louder until I couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped swimming, letting myself sink. The water engulfed my whole body, entering my mouth and filling my lungs. The voices got quieter and quieter until there was only one left, loud and clear, telling me to “wake up”.

That’s when I opened my eyes, sweat dripping from my forehead and my breath uncontrollably fast. I never had a dream like that. I never woke up so disorientated. I wanted to tell someone about this dream, have someone explain to me what the meaning behind it is. I wanted to know if I’m really losing my mind.

August 27th, 1878

Day 50 on sea

I am losing my mind.

This can’t be real. I am writing this down to make sure I am wide awake and not dreaming.

I woke up from a noise. At first, I thought I was imagining it, because lately I’ve been imagining a lot of things. I wanted to go back to sleep, being exhausted from, well, doing absolutely nothing all day long, but then I heard it again.

It wasn’t just a noise. It was a melody, a very beautiful one. It sounded like the gateway to heaven, like it was sung by angels. And it made me feel drowsy.

I knew I needed to rest more, but something about this melody pulled me in. It made me forget the throbbing pain in my body and the events that happened days before. All it made me want to do was reach it, engrave it into my skin. It made me want to never hear anything else.

I was in a trance, no thoughts inside my head anymore.

So, I got up, walked out onto the deck of the ship to find out where this melody comes from. But when I reached the deck, I didn’t expect to see a boy sitting on the railing.

But it wasn’t an ordinary boy. Oh, no. Not like the ones I’ve seen in my town growing up. I can’t describe him in any other way than captivating. His jet-black hair softly swayed in the night wind, covering his eyes every few seconds. His cheeks adopted a soft rosy color from the coldness, contrasting the tan of his skin. And his eyes were almost as dark as the night sky.

I don’t know why I stared at him for such a long time, and I don’t know why he let me.

“You’re here.” Those were his first words. The first time I heard his voice. A voice that made time stop for a moment. I couldn’t hear the waves crashing against each other anymore, or the cracking of the old wood the ship was built with. I couldn’t even hear my heartbeat pumping against my chest. All I could hear was him. “I was waiting for you.”

“Who are you?” That was not what I wanted to ask him at that moment, but the sane part of my brain must have sensed that something wasn’t right. Something about the way my body reacted to this strange man was dubious.

“Haechan.”, he spoke with a soft voice, turning his body so that he fully faced me. A smirk was placed on his lips, only intensifying his tantalizing physique. “And you are?”

“Y/n.” My name came out in a mere whisper, fearing that my voice might have broken if I spoke any louder. I couldn’t stop staring at him, still having been sure that my mind was playing a trick on me or, well, still is.

For days no one has checked in on me, no one has talked to me more than five words. I’ve been on this ship for way too long seeing nothing but the endless nothingness of the sea. My mind has been plagued with recuring thoughts, never once having a quiet moment. Maybe this is the final sign. Maybe this is it. I am insane. So insane that I’m imagining a boy sitting on the rail of the ship just so that I have someone to talk to.

“A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” Reaching one hand out, the boy signaled me to come closer to him. Every part of my body longed to take his hand and sit on the rail with him, but doubts started floating my brain.

“What are you doing here? How did you get on this ship?” Haechan, as I learned his name, just chuckled, a low sound that was so different from his honey voice. He looked amused at my asking, almost like he was making fun of me.

“Why did you come out here, Y/n?” I remember frowning at him, clearly feeling upset that he chose to ignore my question and ask one of his own. I felt upset that this boy, which I probably made up in my mind, didn’t show any respect for me at all. He, just like the others, ignores what I have to say, and I didn’t want to get treated that way, not after what happened last time.

So, instead of answering him, I turned around, heading back to my bed. But before I could even take a step, the melody I heard earlier started again. All the thoughts that I had in my mind at that moment flew away and I was, yet again, caught in a trance. It was like I couldn’t escape, even if I wanted to.

“It’s you.”, I whispered, but he still heard me. I knew that because the melody got louder, clearer. I closed my eyes, letting his voice enter every part of my body. I let it fill me up and shut me down at the same time. I let it rearrange my mind and mend my wounds, but I also let it cut me open and bleed me dry. I gave myself into the sweet penetration of his honey laced voice and wanted nothing more than to make all his wishes and desires come true. I would have given him the world if it was possible. My whole body felt like it was floating on top of a cloud, high up in the sky and there was no way of ever coming down again. I was trapped.

“Come closer.”, he murmured, voice deeper and almost impending.

“No.”, I quivered, suddenly scared of ever opening my eyes again.

“Please, Y/n.”, he pleaded, and I could nearly hear the desperation in his voice. “Just please look at me.” And so, I did. He was not sitting on the rail anymore, he was standing right in front of me. A small smile on his lips and one hand stretched out to me. “Come closer please. I don’t want anything else from you.”

And as I was about to take the step towards him, give in to his demand and the growing need inside of me to grant all his wishes, I heard a voice behind me, calling out my name and breaking the trance I was in.

“Y/n?”

Turning around, I saw my brother standing further away from me, dressed in his nightly gown. “What are you doing out of your bed? You should rest, your body isn’t fully healed yet.”

“I was just talking to…” But when I looked for Haechan again, no one was standing there anymore. It was like I was alone all along. “I don’t know what I was doing.”

Suddenly I felt all the pain rush back into my body, my bones burning with fire, and I let out a loud groan as I fell to my knees.

“Y/n.” My brother rushed towards me, helping me up with his arms around me. “For someone who always seems so smart, you really aren’t the brightest.” I couldn’t even laugh at his words, my mind was too focused on the pain all over my body.

“You must have been sleep walking if you can’t remember what you were doing up there.” My brother said as he laid me back down into my bed and reached into a bucket of water to put a wet rag on my forehead. “Sleep now, okay? I will stop by in the morning again and check on you.” All I could do was nod my head at him, exhaustion consuming my body. He looked at me one last time before he left my room again.

And now I’m sitting here, writing in my foolish dairy and reminiscing about the strange boy I met. I must have imagined him. How could anyone come up onto the ship? I didn’t see another boat, nor did any other member of the crew. And the possibility of someone appearing out of the blue is also not likely.

The only possibility that is left is that I am losing my mind. That I imagined all of it out of pure loneliness and frustration. This expedition should have been educational for me. It should have proven to all the men that I, as a woman, can do what they can do. That I can be an explorer, a brave one even, and that I have the ability to find something new. That is why we started this journey, because we wanted to discover unknown things.

But all I am doing now is proving everyone exactly what they think of me, that I am small and weak. That I am not an explorer and that I should have just stayed at home. That I am not brave and definitely not smart. I proved to them that I am fragile and well, mental.

But no one has to know about it. No one has to know what happens in my head or the things I imagine. No one has to know I am practically insane and desperate. I could just simply fake it. Isn’t that what everyone does? Faking confidence.

Maybe if I fake it long enough and convince everyone that what they are saying and thinking about me is wrong, I might convince myself as well. Maybe I can convince my brain I’m fine while pretending to be.

So, from now on, everything’s okay. I am not insane, and I certainly am not imagining weird things.

I am okay.

Everything is okay.

August 29th, 1987

Day 52 on sea

Everything is not okay.

Yesterday the boy didn’t show up again. I wasn’t exactly looking for him, since my father spent most of the night in my room making sure I wouldn’t ‘sleep-walk’ again, but I can’t lie and say I wasn’t disappointed not to hear his beautiful melody again.

I asked my dad if there is a word for the feeling of craving for someone, for feeling like the person took a part of you with them when they left and you long to be reunited with them. When all your thoughts are consumed with them, and your body is itching to be in the mere presence of that person. But also fearing the actual return of that person and the power they hold over you and your emotions. He told me it is called “withdrawal”.

“It is mostly referred to drugs such as alcohol.”, he explained to me as he tried to brush out the knots in my hair. “But I think it can be applied to humans as well. You know, sometimes we long for people we can’t have or people that aren’t good for us. We see the signs, but we ignore them. We give in to the sweet yearning and get hurt in the process. But if we don’t give in and the yearning grows stronger, we crave it even more. We think about the person every day, imagine their scent, their eyes, their voice. We imagine them being in a room with us, talking and laughing with us. We do the things that are most painful to us just to have what we long for, even if we know it’s not good for us. And it hurts, physically and emotionally.”

I turned around to look at him, inspect his face and read what he was feeling when he said those things. “It sounds like you have experience with that feeling.” My father just shrugged and at that moment he looked older. He looked like an old man who has been through too much in his life. A man who deserves a break.

“I’ve been around much longer than you, dear. There were mistakes made and hearts torn, but it all worked out at the end.”

“How?”, I ask, curious as to how such a sad feeling still turned into something good.

“Because I got you, and your brother. That’s my happy ending.” I wanted to cry. I wanted to storm into his arms and never let him go. But I didn’t do any of those things. I just smiled at him, nodded my head and hoped that was enough for him. Because while his words filled my heart to the brim with love, my body still ached, not from the pain but for the boy I only met once in my life.

That’s why I tried to ignore the melody a few hours ago when it started again. Father went back to his bed a few minutes before, wanting to get some well-deserved sleep, leaving me alone in my room. I, as well, wanted to get some rest, but then I heard it. It was loud and clear, and more beautiful than I had remembered it to be. Almost immediately I felt my whole mind switch, forgetting the conversation I had had with my father. All that was in my head was him, Haechan.

I wanted to see him, no, I needed to see him. I felt lost without him, so empty and incomplete. I felt like my world wasn’t spinning correctly, time was going backwards, and the stars were falling out of the sky. Nothing felt right anymore. Not until I was with him.

I reached my door, but before I could open it something woke me up. Not from a dream, but from a trance. A smell, a very familiar one. It took up all my senses and brought me back to reality.

I realized what I was about to do and quickly sat back down on my bed, not daring to even set a foot on the floor anymore. It was frightening, what I felt just then. The longing I felt, just from one simple melody. I don’t know this boy, why would I feel so strongly about him? Why does he have so much power over my emotions?

His melody got louder. For a moment my head felt like it was exploding. He sounded sad, sorrowful. It broke my heart into pieces hearing him so vulnerable, longing for me the same way I was longing for him. But I didn’t give in. A part of me, I don’t know which one, knew it was wrong to see him again. So, I stayed on my bed, legs tightly pressed against my chest and my hands on my ears, trying to cover his despairing voice.

10 minutes ago, it stopped. It just went away, like it was never there in the first place. Curiosity almost got the best of me and wanted to check if he really left, but I was too scared, I still am.

I don’t know what he is doing to be, why he is here and why he is targeting me. But I know that whatever he is doing, it can’t be with good intentions. A person that makes another person feel such outrageous things, can’t be here for anything good.

Maybe it shouldn’t matter so much. Because, after all, I made him up. He isn’t real so whatever he is doing isn’t going to hurt me. I think my mind is reflecting this pain on me to make sense of why it’s slowly decapitating. It’s trying to distract me from the actual damage in my brain.

At least that is the only logical answer to all of this. Because anything other would be, well, crazy and I’m not crazy. I might lose my mind, but I am not crazy.

August 30th, 1878

Day 53 on sea

Maybe I am a bit crazy, and reckless, and irresponsible and plain stupid.

“You left me standing here for a long time yesterday. I missed you, darling.” But I couldn’t help myself but visibly relaxing as I heard his voice again.

It was all I could think about all day long. Him and his melody. I wanted to feel it again. Feel it in my veins, feel it shutting out all the thoughts in my head. I just wanted this bothering craving to go away. I think it got so bad that even Jisung, someone who barely talks to me, noticed it.

“Are you okay? Don’t you like the food?”, he asked as he watched me stare at the food in front of me.

“Oh, sorry. It’s not the food, don’t worry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.” I gave him a little smile, grabbing a fork and shoving some food in my mouth.

“Is there a reason behind it? I hope it wasn’t me.” Jisung looked a bit guilty as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I spent the whole night cooking because I also couldn’t sleep. I hope I wasn’t too loud and kept you awake.”

“Oh, so that was what I smelled yesterday.” Internally, I couldn’t help but to be grateful for the boy sitting in front of me. After all, was he the reason why I didn’t give in to see Haechan. But I couldn’t tell him that. I was already glad someone decided to speak to me, I didn’t want to ruin it by my insanity. “But no, that was not what kept me up. I mean I smelled it, but I just had too much going on inside my mind to rest.”

The boy just nodded his head, shoving a fork full of food in his mouth. “Care to share some of your thoughts?”, he says with his mouth still full of food. He looked like a child in that moment, with his eyes wide and his mouth dirty with crumps.

“Just thinking a lot more about my mother lately.”, I told him, only half lying. Mother has been on my mind a lot lately, but that obviously wasn’t the reason why I couldn’t sleep. “I miss her. I mean I always miss her, but being so far away from home just makes me miss her more. You know, I see her everywhere. In the books I read, the words I write. I see her in the ocean, feel her in the air and smell her in every scent. It’s bizarre.”

“No, it’s not.”, Jisung disagreed, putting his fork down and propping his elbow up on the table to lean his face on his hand. “I miss my mother too. I mean, she isn’t dead, but her and my father are no longer together. She left with my sister, my father kept me, and I haven’t seen her in three years. I miss her too sometimes. But I think I miss the things she did for me more than I miss her. When I was a child, I always had trouble falling asleep so she would always tell me a bedtime story. I think that is why some nights I can’t seem to fall asleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Jisung. Next time you have trouble sleeping just get me. I can also tell you bedtime stories.”

He nodded yet again, showing me another one of his smiles. “Thank you, Y/n. And you know what? I think you are really brave. I wanted to say that to you earlier, but I never had the guts to actually do. I think that we can all be grateful that someone like you joined this expedition. We really need more smart crewmates on this ship.”

But I don’t think I am that smart anymore. I don’t think I even deserve to be called smart anymore. Because every single thing about the decisions I make is anything other than smart. And as I looked into the deep brown eyes of the boy in front of me, that only got confirmed.

“No answer? No ‘I missed you too’?” His voice had an alluring tone, soothing all the wounds inside me and doing things to my body I am too embarrassed to admit. “What a shame, sweet girl. I was pretty sure I could sense your longing for me yesterday. Maybe I was wrong.”

I didn’t know what to answer. And I honestly am glad I didn’t, positive that my voice would have come out in nothing but a pathetic whisper. Haechan was walking closer to me again, reaching his hand out again to hover over the skin of my arm but never touching me.

“Can you feel that?”, he whispers, eyes never leaving mine. “Can you feel the goosebumps slowly forming on your skin, the shiver down your spin?” He waited for me to answer him, but all I could do was nod. “Words, sweetheart.”

“Yes.” I answered him, voice cracking with that one simple word. “Yes, I can feel that.”

“Good. That is exactly what I want you to feel.” He took a few steps back again, so he was leaning against the railing. “Why did you decide to come here tonight? Couldn’t get enough of me?”

I just shrugged my shoulders, not really knowing myself what the actual reason behind me coming to see him again was. “Why do you keep calling for me?”

“Calling for you? How exactly am I calling for you?” Cocking his head to the side, still wearing a smirk on his lips. But I don’t want to get too detailed about his face, still feeling a bit embarrassed of the things I felt in that moment.

“The melody your singing, it’s for me. You are calling me with your melody.” A chuckle left his lips, melodic like his voice.

“How can you be so sure of that? What if I just like to sing pretty melodies?” His question sounded so innocent and for a moment I was uncertain about my statement, fearing I might have misinterpreted everything. But I knew what I was feeling. I knew that his melody was meant to be for me and no one else. I know it might sound crazy, but the thought of him singing this melody, my melody, for someone else felt unsettling.

“Because if you sung it for someone else, they would stand here instead of me. No one else is responding to your melody, only me, so it must be for me.” For a few seconds there was nothing but silence around us. Haechan wasn’t saying a thing, seeming like he was thinking about his next words. And I didn’t say anything, fearing that if I might, he would disappear again.

“You’re right.”, he finally spoke up. “It is for you.”

“But why? Why do you sing this melody for me?”

“Because I wanted to meet you, Y/n. From the moment I first saw you, I knew I got to have you. I got to be with you. I craved nothing more than to talk to you, to simply be blessed to be in the mere presence of you. I am longing for you, the same way you are longing for me, my love.” I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. His words filled up my heart, and I started feeling lightheaded.

He was craving for me. He wanted to meet me. Everything that I am feeling towards him, as strange as those emotions are, he is feeling for me as well. His words were the most beautiful, heart wrenching thing I have ever heard in my inter life. I felt lucky to be seen this way, to be wanted this way, never actually having had someone tell me that before.

He really went all this way, just to meet me. Singing this melody, coming up this ship. But isn’t it a bit strange as well? I remembered not seeing another ship anywhere nearby. Where did he come from? How did he see me? Questions started filling my mind again, shaking me awake.

“What did you mean when you said you wanted to meet me from the first time you saw me? When did you see me?” I could see his body tensing up. Maybe he wasn’t expecting such a question.

“I can answer your question, but first you have to come with me. Please, Y/n. I will tell you everything, just please come with me. I don’t want to be apart from you anymore.”

“Haechan.” I looked at his hand, which was reaching for me again, motioning me to take it in mind. “Where do you want to take me? I mean there is no other ship anywhere near.”

“Y/n, just trust me, okay? Come with me and I will make the thoughts in your head disappear. I will make everything heal for you.” His hands hovered over my arms again, almost as if he couldn’t touch me. I wanted him to. I wanted him to touch me so badly. But I could see that something in his eyes had changed. They were darker, more desperate and demanding, and I knew it was my time to leave.

“I can’t.”, I told him, taking a few steps back. “I have to get up early tomorrow.” And with that I left, not once looking back as I walked back into my room.

I don’t know if what I did was right, or if I upset him with my behavior.

All I hope for is that he isn’t mad at me and will forgive me when he comes back. If he comes back.

August 31st, 1878

Day 54 on sea

He did in fact come back.

“Missed me?” There was something more gentle in the way he was talking to me today. Something more reserved.

“What if I did?” That made him smile, not smirk like he normally does. Haechan showed me a bright honest smile. And all I could think about was that he never looked more ethereal than in that moment.

“Then I will be highly pleased, my love. You know why?” I shook my head as a no, waiting for him to continue his sentence. “Because I missed you too?”

“You did?”

“Of course, I did. You were all I could think about all day long, pretty girl.” He stayed a bit further away from me too today and I wondered why. I asked myself if he didn’t want to be close to me again or if he felt rejected after what happened yesterday. “I couldn’t stop thinking about your sweet smile, your beautiful eyes and your lovely voice. I couldn’t wait to see you again.”

“Why don’t you touch me?”, I said out of the blue, catching not only myself, but him off guard as well. “You never touch me. You only hover your hands above my skin. Why?”

He smiled again, sweet and kind. “Because if I touch you once, I will never be able to stop again.”

“What if I don’t want you to stop?” He only shook his head, turning around to face the stars instead of me. But I didn’t want him to look away, I wanted him to look at me, because when he does look at me, I can feel again.

“I am sorry about yesterday, you know? I am sorry I was too intrusive, I let myself get caught up in my emotions.” I had to process his words, that being the last thing I thought would come out of his mouth. Never once had a men apologized to me for anything. I am so used to getting treated like nothing and it being normal in a society like the one I grew up with. Never once has anyone cared so much about me to consider my emotions and apologize for a mistake.

“Thank you.”, I just whispered, trying to swallow the tears. “That means a lot to me.” I decided to join him at the rail, watch the stars with him for a little while.

“Do you know that I think you are not real? I think I am imagining you, because for the past weeks I have been slowly losing my mind. Seeing the same things every day, not talking to anyone and having to deal with all those thoughts in my head. I think I started imagining you so I could just stop time for a while.”

“But I am real.”, he said, looking deep into my eyes. “I am real. You are not insane, and you are definitely not imagining me. I can prove that to you. Just take my hand and you will see.”

“Why does that feel like a trap?”, I asked him, watching his face, trying to read his emotions. But it stayed the same. His smile didn’t butch for a second and his eyes still held the same gentleness.

“I don’t know what you are talking about, Y/n. There is no trap. I am just offering you evidence to your lingering questions about your own sanity. I am just trying to be nice to you, but if you don’t appreciate that.”

“No, no I do. I am grateful for your kindness. You just sounded so demanding, and it made me doubtful.”

“I am so sorry, my sweet girl. It was never my intention to make you doubt me. That will never happen again, okay? All I want is the best for you. Nothing more.” I just nodded, eyes facing the wooden floor of the ship. “I am going to tell you the story of why I so desperately wanted to talk to you, since I didn’t yesterday. Maybe that will cheer you up a bit again.”

“I wanted to talk to you because I was mesmerized by you. Because there are not a lot of people out there like you. People so willing to learn and to explore. I never met a woman like you, someone so strong minded and independent. I loved how you never let anyone talk bad to you and I love how despite the negative things the men on this ship say about you, you still stay here. You prove to them every day that you are capable of being on such an expedition and that you are more qualified than they could ever be. And I just knew I had to talk to you, I had to have you in my life.”

And it was like he knew what I needed to hear. Like he knew my deepest darkest thoughts and all the things I was craving to ever be told by someone. It was like he spoke right into my soul and built up this newfound strength. I felt empowered, I felt loved. But yet again, I was also wondering how he could know all those things about me.

“Why do you know all that, Haechan?”

“I told you already, Y/n. I was longing for you.” It didn’t make sense. His answer didn’t make any sense. Was he avoiding my question? Or maybe he understood the question wrong, thinking this was an answer that would satisfy me. But it didn’t.

“That doesn’t answer my question. How can you possibly know about all those? We just met.”

I could hear a sigh leaving his lips, the long and frustrated kind. I am familiar with those, having heard them a thousand times from my father and brother. And I asked myself if I, yet again, upset him with my question. If I should have just kept quiet and appreciated his kind words and moved on from the topic.

“And yet again you don’t appreciate my kindness. All I do is be nice to you, proving to you that I am real and trustworthy, and you still doubt me. Don’t you know how much that hurts me? Do you?” His voice rose visibly, nostrils flaring and eyes growing wider. Haechan wasn’t looking like himself at that moment. He almost looked inhumane.

“I am sorry, Haechan. Please don’t say that. I do trust you. Please, I’m sorry.”, I started begging him, reaching for his hand, which he pulled away. “Please.” Tears filled my eyes and my whole body started hurting again, like it was slowly breaking apart from the inside out.

“You hurt me, Y/n. I don’t think your apology can fix this.”

And this time it was him walking away, disappearing into the darkness, and leaving me standing at the same spot, mourning for him like I had just lost a person to death.

September 1st, 1878

Day 55 on sea

I could see the surprise on his face when he saw me standing there, waiting for him this time, not needing his melody to be called. But the look of surprise quickly faded away and a smirk replaced it instead.

“I see you don’t even need my melody anymore.” It almost sounded cocky the way he said it.

“I wanted to be here first so I could apologize to you.”, I spoke the words with so much sincerity, wanting him to believe me and see that I genuinely mean the apology. “I am really sorry for hurting your feelings yesterday. It was never my intention. All I want to do is make you happy, Haechan, and I am so sorry that I failed to do so.”

He looked at me for a few seconds, brows raised, before he shrugged his shoulders. “What will you do if I don’t accept your apology?”

I didn’t hesitate when I spoke my next words. “I will beg for your forgiveness. I will beg until you accept my apology. I will do anything you want me to.”

“Anything I want you to?”, he asked, and I just nodded my head at him, desperation fulling my actions and probably written all over my face. “I will hold onto that one.”

“Does that mean you forgive me?” Haechan shrugged again, taking a few steps forward into my direction. Looking at him in that moment, I didn’t think he looked hurt. Normally people have this look on their face when their feelings got hurt, quivering lips, wide and sad eyes, body folding in on itself. But Haechans eyes were almost narrowed, and he was towering over me, almost like he was looking down at me. My father once told me people do that to prove their dominance over the other person, but I don’t think that was what Haechan wanted to do in that moment. Or was it?

Maybe Haechan is just like my brother, a person who has to hide their true feelings behind a stone-cold face to demonstrate strength. Or maybe he just didn’t want me to see him hurt by me to make me feel less guilty. Because I was and still am feeling bad for making him feel that way yesterday. I still regret my words and wish I would have just shut my mouth. I should do that more often, shutting my mouth in some situations. It would have saved me from a lot of things.

“I’m still thinking about it. Maybe I will tell you my answer at the end of the night.” That gave me some hope. Even though he didn’t yet accept my apology, he still wanted to spend time with me and that was more than enough for me.

“I saw you talking to that Jisung guy again today.” Haechan was still towering over me, hands in the pockets of his pants and eyes narrowing in on my face. “What is so intriguing about him that you talk so much to him?”

“Did you watch me?”, I asked him, shock lacing my voice. Jisung and I only talked in the kitchen today. I was hungry since I overslept in the morning and didn’t have breakfast. When I walked into the kitchen to grab myself something, Jisung was standing there, preparing the fish for dinner. We spent some time together, me eating my food and him cooking more. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, we just basked in the presence of each other.

“I asked you a question first.”, Haechan voice got lower again. I could only describe it as sinister. There was an undertone in that one small sentence, something that told me I should not say the wrong thing. So, I took a moment to gather my thoughts, fight through the mess in my head and find an answer that will satisfy him.

“He isn’t interesting to me.”, I tell him, keeping my voice clear and loud. “He is just the only person that talks to me when you aren’t here. There is nothing more to it.”

“It didn’t look like that earlier, sweetheart. I thought the two of you looked very cozy in that kitchen, sneaking glances at each other.” He let out a sound similar to a ‘tsk’ and shook his head in a mocking manner. “Am I not enough for you anymore? Do you go around and search for other men when I’m not around? Are you so desperate and needy for attention?”

“No.”, I whispered, feeling even the small last bit of confidence leaving my body. Haechan has a way of making me feel weaker and weaker, draining every last thought out of my head and making my body his. “No, Haechan.”

I felt my legs give him, sinking to my knees. My body felt so heavy but at the same time so light. Haechan kneeled down in front of me, lowering his head so he was looking right into my eyes. “You can’t talk to other men, Y/n. You are mine only, do you understand?” All I could do was nod my head at him, but that didn’t satisfy him. “You belong to me, right, my sweet girl? I need you to say it.”

“I belong to you.”, I mumbled, not having the strength to fully open my mouth.

“That is right. You belong to me, your body belongs to me and even your mind belongs to me. You are all mine, pretty princess.” He took up all my senses. I could only see him, smell him, hear him, feel him everywhere. Like only he excited in this world and no one else.

Haechan leaned forward, his lips brushing the skin of my ear. I could feel his warm breath on my skin, and it sent shivers down my back. “Now come with me, darling. Take my hand and come with me. I will make sure you remember me forever.”

I reached for his hand, fingers brushing against each other, but before I could close them around his, a bright light shined a bit further away from us. Everything happened so fast after that. I heard footsteps, a voice and suddenly I felt empty. Haechan was no longer kneeling in front of me and right as I wanted to look for him, my body gave in, and I fainted onto the cold wooden floor.

I don’t know how I got into my bed, and I don’t know who brought me into my bed. All I know is that the moment I woke up again I craved Haechan even more than I did before and I know that the next time he asks me to come with him, I will do so, without any hesitation.

September 2nd, 1878

Day 56 on sea

Everything changed today. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I felt. A lie.

I can’t stop crying. My tears are flowing like an endless waterfall. I’m a mess, a disaster. How could I let this all happen? I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I was stronger than this. But I was blinded. I was corrupted, manipulated, used.

I feel dirty, like I haven’t washed in weeks. But I just did. I spent a long time trying to scrub away the dirt I felt, trying to scrub away the shame I felt. I put everyone, especially me, in danger with my reckless behavior, with my blindness, with my incompetence. I am a failure.

I spent the whole day ignoring everyone around me, not even looking at anyone that passed me by. I wanted to desperately prove to Haechan that I only want him and no one else, that everyone on this ship doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is him. I was hoping he was watching me again, being proud of me.

But unfortunately, there was one person I couldn’t avoid even if I tried to.

“You wanted to speak to me, father.”, I said as I entered my father’s office room. I have never been in that room, not once over all these weeks. The room was scattered in books, empty bottles and maps of the sea. I always imagined the room to be neater, at least that was what my father always seemed to be. But my mother told me once that your room reflects the mental state you were in. Maybe my father was also struggling with his sanity.

“Yes.”, he answered me, looking up from his book. “I wanted to see how you are feeling, after your little incident yesterday.”

“I’m feeling fine, father. Must have been me sleep walking again. There is nothing to worry about.”

He just hummed, his face showing the uncertainty he felt because of my words. My father mustered me for a few seconds, waiting for even a little muscle to twitch in my face to show him if I was lying. But I kept a straight face, looking him right into the eyes. “I am thrilled to hear that. And we will find a way to fix your nightly problem.”

Father went back to reading in his book, and even though I knew I shouldn’t, the curious part of me wondered what he was so engrossed in. I always loved the books my father reads, knowing that they are filled with new knowledge. “What are you reading?”

He held up the book, showing me the cover. “Knowledge about the mysteries of the ocean.”, I read out loud, furrowing my eyebrows at the title. What an odd book, I have never heard about that. “What mysteries are listed in the book?”

“Oh, just some fisher men tales. Mermaids, kraken, leviathan, sirens. All those tales which warn everyone on ships about the dangers of the sea.”

“Sirens? I have never heard of them. What are they?” My father turned his book around, showing me the page, he was just reading. On it was a drawn picture of what looked to be a half bird, half fish creature. My stomach started to turn, the longer I looked at it, frightened by its appearance.

“This book says that sirens are mythical creatures, half bird, half fish. Through their angelic singing they lure in fishermen to kill them. It is said that their voice lures them in, but their face is what makes the fishermen stay.”

“Their face?”, I asked, not believing that for a second.

“They put you in a trance with their voice and make you see whoever you most desire. They are insidious, malicious creatures, feared by everyone who ever entered the ocean. They are dangerous, Y/n.” He looked me in the eyes, as if he knew something I didn’t. As if he wanted to tell me more with the last sentence.

“Do you really believe they exist? To me that just sounds like fishermen making up excuses as to why they didn’t bring any fish home.”

My father let out a long sigh, head shaking. He turned the book back to him and stared at the picture for a few more seconds, before closing the book again. “You could be right, Y/n. I mean you have always been the realistic one in this family. But as long as there is no proof that they don’t exist, I will have to believe those tales. It’s better to believe and find out they don’t exist, than to not believe and find out they do exist.”

I couldn’t stop thinking about his words after I left his office. They kept spinning around my head, swirling and clashing against other thoughts. And they were connecting. My thoughts were connecting together, and suddenly there was only one thought left. One person in my mind, and not for the reasons he had been in my mind for the past few days.

But I didn’t want to admit that. Not even to myself. It couldn’t be. It wasn’t true. Those useless tales were nothing but fiction, made up stories to save the fishermen from embarrassment and disappointment. Nothing more and nothing less.

Because I knew Haechan. I knew he wasn’t capable of something like that. He wasn’t a creature designed to prey on innocent people. Or was he?

I couldn’t help but smile as I heard the familiar melody, as I felt it sink deep under my skin and erase everything inside of me. I loved the pain it inflicted on my heart, the way the melody ripped me apart into a million pieces. I loved how for the first few seconds everything stopped being important to me. Breathing, feeling, living. Nothing felt important for a few seconds. Nothing but him.

Haechan leant against the rail of the ship, hands in his trousers and a smirk on his lips. It almost felt like a déjà-vu. I remembered how I felt when I first saw him. Feelings that were once so innocent and unfamiliar are now unconditional and fierce. “My pretty girl.”, he whispered, and I felt the weight on my shoulders lift. “Are you ready?”

“Ready for what?”, I asked, taking a few steps closer to him. I was craving his closeness, his touch. I needed him to touch me, anywhere. I didn’t mind where.

“Ready to come with me.” My head was clouded, brainwashed by his beautiful voice. But wasn’t that exactly what my father told me, what he warned me about. “I can see your doubt in me, sweetheart. What is it that is plaguing your beautiful mind?”

“Do you plan on killing me?” I don’t know why I asked him that question. I don’t know how I got the strength to break out of the haze, even just a little bit.

“Killing you? Why would I kill you?” His eyes darkened and I could see his body language changing. I could see all of him changing. Haechan let out a chuckle before walking into my direction, stopping when he was right behind me. Brushing my hair back, never once touching me, as he leant down to whisper into my ear.

“I really wanted to kill you at first, my sweet girl. I wanted nothing else but to rip you apart.” My body shut down, letting me fall weakly to my knees just like the day before. I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than five seconds. Haechan kneeled down in front of me, yet again and placed his hand on my cheek. Finally, I could feel him. I could feel the one thing I craved most, his touch. But it didn’t feel how I imagined it to. Instead of lifting me up and making me basked in comfort, it made me flinch. His touch made me want to never see the light of day ever again. “But how could I kill such a beautiful thing? You are my precious girl, aren’t you? So sweet and special.”

I wanted to run, get away from him. I wanted to do anything but to stay with him, but my body didn’t let me. My body stayed down on the ground, heavy and useless. “Does it hurt, love? Does my touch and my words hurt you?” He didn’t need an answer because he knew. He knew how every bone in my body felt like it was on fire as soon as he muttered those words. He knew all I wanted was to make this growing pain stop. “Just come with me. I will make the pain stop.”

When I looked up at him, I saw only a glimpse of him. His skin was pale blue, scales all over it, and his teeth were sharp and long. This wasn’t the boy I met a few nights ago, the boy who made me feel like I was floating on the clouds and the boy who gave me a reason to live. This was a creature, a monster. A siren.

“Go away.”, I croaked out with the last strength I had left in my body.

“Oh no, you poor thing. Don’t be like that.” Not even his voice sounded like the sweet melody I once heard. It didn’t give me sweet pleasure anymore, it only gave me pain. “You love me, or have you forgotten? Have you forgotten all the feelings I inflicted on you? Have you forgotten how good you felt when you were with me? I can make that come back. You just have to come with me.”

“Go to hell.” I didn’t know that this simple sentence could mean the end of my life because the next thing I felt was a sharpness going through my body. And I knew this would be it. This would be the last few seconds before I was gone.

“Y/n!”, I heard someone shout, loud and piercing. I opened my eyes, only to have my vision be blurry. I tried to move, look who that voice belonged to and if I was imagining it again. “Go away and never come back, or I will have you killed and each and everyone of you creatures on this planet.”

I took a hurtful breath and it felt as if my lungs were filled with broken pieces of glass. My eyes tried to stay open, but I didn’t have the strength. “No, Y/n. Stay awake. Please don’t leave me.”

Whiteness surrounded me, filling me up and taking me in. Silence. I heard nothing more than silence. I tried looking around, kicking and fighting as I was trapped in nothing but endless vastness. Far away from me I could see something, or someone waiting for me. I tried to walk towards it, reaching my arms out to grab it, but I never came close.

“It’s not your time yet, Y/n.” And before I could question those words, my eyes opened.

It took me a few seconds to regain my vision, seeing the familiar walls of my room. As I remembered just what had happened, I felt panic filling my body, my breaths coming out faster than normal and my mind spiraling in wild circles.

“It’s okay, Y/n.”, I heard the voice of my father first before I felt his arms around my body, pulling me tightly into him. “Your safe. Nothing can hurt you anymore.”

I looked up at him with wide eyes and my mouth agape. I felt like a little kid again, crying in the arms of my father after having a bad dream. Just that this wasn’t a dream. This is reality.  

“It’s okay. We are on our way back home. That creature will never find you again, we made sure of that, okay?” My father held me with so much delicacy, fearing he might break me. “You’re safe. I won’t let anyone, or anything hurt you again.”

And I believed him. There in the arms of my father I believed his words. So, I closed my eyes, let the sleep consume me and hoped that this promise would be one he could keep.

September 10th, 1878

Day 64 on sea

I let the salt air take away all the scars of the past weeks as I watched the soft waves flow under the setting sun. This was the first time in eight days that I had the courage to leave my room. I couldn’t face the place where everything happened. The place where I almost lost myself.

I closed my eyes and imagined the soft grass under my toes, the chirping birds in my ear and the blinding sunlight in my eyes. I imagined biting into a sweet apple, feeling the fresh morning air on my skin and smiling at the veracity of the moment.

“Daydreaming again?”, I heard a voice in front of me, making an actual smile appear on my lips. A smile I haven’t let myself show in a long time.

“What brings you out here? Shouldn’t you be in your bed, sleeping like everyone else is?” Jisung just shrugged his shoulders, his hair softly swaying in the wind.

He showed me a sweet smile, sitting down beside me and taking one of my hands in his. “I am not going to ask you how are doing, since everyone else does that every day.” I nodded at him, grateful for not hearing the repeating question out of his mouth as well. “But I am going to ask you if you still feel the withdrawal, you told me about.”

My eyes filled with tears again and I tried my best to swallow them down. “Yes.”, I mumbled, looking down, too ashamed to let him see me this way. To let him see me so weak and pathetic. “Yes, I still feel it, every day. I long for him, and I know it isn’t right. He isn’t who he showed me to be. I know I was blinded by a trance. I was blinded by need. I know what I am feeling isn’t right and that he wasn’t right. But for a few seconds, for a few seconds every day, it felt real. For a few seconds every day I could just be. I could be me. I could forget the pain and my thoughts, and I could breathe.”

Jisung just nodded his head, not letting go of my hand, but he didn’t say a word. I appreciated that. I appreciated the quietness of him. Because as opposed to the others, he didn’t lecture me on my feelings. He didn’t tell me how it is wrong to feel the way I do and how I should have seen all this coming. He didn’t try to tell me how to move past this, or how to continue living my life. Jisung just stayed silent.

“Why are you awake?”, I asked him after a few moments, breaking the silence he gifted me.

“I couldn’t sleep. And the last time I told you about my sleeping problems, you told me you could tell me a story, like my mother did. A bedtime story to make me fall asleep.” I let the tears that still lingered in my eyes roll down my cold cheeks, as I nodded my head. “Will you tell me one?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. I will tell you any story you want.”

And so, I did.

I told everyone my story.

Bonus

“What took you so long?”

Haechan swam into the cave, brushing past everyone that was looking at him with expecting eyes. He ignored them all and just kept swimming.

“Answer my question.”, Jeno spoke louder this time, but Haechan just kept swimming. He didn’t care that everyone was waiting for him, waiting for him to fulfill his promise, to fulfill all the promises he had made for the past weeks.

“We had a fight.”, he told Jeno with a shrug of his shoulders, nonchalant about the other one’s questions. Haechan could see the disappointment and anger in the faces of everyone in the cave, and he couldn’t care less. He knew what he was doing was right. He knew it was necessary to go through all these lengths to get what he wanted, what everyone wanted.

“A fight?”, his friend repeated, skeptic lingering in his voice. “This isn’t a game, Haechan. We put our trust and time in your hands. How long until this plan of yours backfires? How long until they notice that their ship hasn’t been moving in days? How long until they discover us and put an end us?”

“Jeno.”, Haechan’s eyes piercing into the older boy, voice clearly stating a warning. “Have you lost all your trust in me? I know what I am doing.”

“Are you?” Everyone was looking at the two, anticipating the outcome of this long-awaited conversation. “You were the one promising us you were going to get us this girl. You were the one convincing us how much you were craving her and how much we should as well. And we have given you time, but all you do is play around. This isn’t a game, Haechan. This will determine our lives. Without her, we will not survive, and you are very well aware of that.”

“This is where you are wrong, my dear friend.” Haechan turned his body, facing all the sirens watching him. “This is a game, and I am the leader of it. This girl we are talking about is different from everyone we have ever had. This one is special. She isn’t easily fooled by my tricks, by my voice. She has a smart mind, that one.” A wide grin appeared on the siren’s lips, making him almost look crazy, and his eyes narrowed on his friend yet again. “This one will bring us everything we have ever dreamt of. And it will work. The game I am playing, the fight we were having today, it will all work in the end.”

“How can you be so sure of that?” The question lingered in the quiet of the cave, the eyes of everyone looking at Haechan, faith and trust all in his hands.

“Because it is all going according to plan.”, he announced, voice thick with pride and confidence. “It is all going according to my plan.”

[theoxenfree]

I think I'm on the verge of a panic attack

because, because, my abuser — my own brother — reached out to ask if I was coming home for thanksgiving. and, initially, I just said no and was gonna leave it. but I'm so fucking angry at so many things right now that I just fucking erupted.

I completely went off on him. I can't believe I did that. "can't believe" in a "I've dreamed of doing this for almost twenty years!" sort of disbelief.

I'm waiting for him to deny it. I'm waiting for him to tell my family I'm a fucking cunt and trash and an addict and a failure

I'm waiting for my parents to ask what's going on, and it makes me sick at the thought of my mom finding out bc she's never been the same since a psychotic break she had years ago

but my dad???? he knew he knew he knew

he caught my brother and what was happening, and he kept it quiet. just told my brother never to touch me qgain

but he never told mom, or my sister. neither did my brother. and neither did I bc I was told not to, and I thought it'd be right bc saying anything would "hurt people"

it hurt me it hurt me that I suffered for 20+ years. I can't experience normal ranges of emotions, I can't keep friendships, I can't have relationships, I can't handle intimacy without flashbacks and disgust

but, I absolutely lost it. and he read it

I told him to never talk to me again, and if he tries, I'll just block him. but I can't believe it

I'm proud of what I said. the child in me is weeping from being scared of what will happen. the teenager in me is crying because someone finally stood up for her, her feelings, and believed her. the young adult in me has fallen to her knees and is thanking me for all the things she wanted to say but never could

here's what I said, because I want you to know that I'm shaking, and I'm fucking terrified, but I finally... finally feel closer to freedom

huge tw; childhood molestation, guilt tripping (I'm sorry, I got caught up in what I was saying but it isn't a lie), suicidal ideation, it's extremely vulgar I'm sorry, very raw

And I'm already in a shit enough mood, so I'm going to tell you part of the reason why.

I want you to understand just how ROYALLY you've fucked up my life. After everything you did to me as a kid. I need you to understand that I've NEVER forgotten, not ONCE. not ONE DAY in my entire time. I need you to understand what you did me and how I was raised in that family made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to survive my 20s without debt and sitting in psychiatric instructions and have to take fucking meds so I didn't goddamn OFF myself.

And do you know just how many times I've actually come close to actually doing it? Because dying would've been better than living with the reality and the memories and everything I felt day in and day out.

I need you to understand that I CANNOT have regular friendships or relationships. That any sort of closeness from people fucking disgusts me. I don't let people touch me. I don't let people in.

I need you to understand that whenever someone has ever TRIED to touch me, I think of my childhood and what happened and I become nauseous, I shake, I breakdown, and have panic attacks. And I can't stand the idea.

I've been severely depressed almost my ENTIRE life, but nobody ever took me seriously. I couldn't talk to anyone about it. And it took me until almost 30 to be able to get anywhere in my life where I'm even borderline stable.

My last straw back then before I left what WHATEVER that fiasco with Mom was at the time.

I've had to work my ass off to get any sort of decent, comfortable scraps that I get now. And coming home. Seeing you. Seeing anyone in that family will undo A DECADE of hard fucking work I've had to do to be able to function on a level where I could have a semblance of comfort and normalcy.

So, no, I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving or probably any other holiday. It's a shame, because the kids? I think about them constantly, and I worry about them constantly.

And I genuinely hope you didn't wreck those fucking kids like you did me. I don't know you. I've never known you. And I don't want to.

But just know, you're seared in my goddamn memory in the worst way anyone could possibly be. If you've forgotten all of that, well, good for you and I'm glad you can live with yourself everyday of your life.

I will never forgive you. So, you can tell everyone whatever you want to. You can make up a reason why I'm not coming back, you can call me the worst person in existence and that's fine with me.

But, I'm asking you this politely and as a final kindness: Never contact me again. And this is the ONLY time I'm saying it. Tell everyone what you want, I don't really care at this point in my life.

I've never forgotten, (brothers name). And, honestly, I hope it haunts you.

and jsyk, I do keep an open line with my older sister and the kids. they know they can always reach out to me and I'll take them seriously. I was going to write something else completely different, but that man reacts badly to threats—so, for my safety, I said what I did there.

[bellysoupset]

Halloween Saga - Part 8

"You think I have to cut it?" Bella mumbled, feeling Wendy's fingers in her hair. Wendy was being terribly gentle, but still Lucas was watching her like a hawk from across the room.

"No, I don't think so," Wendy tsked under her breath as she inspected the stitch job in the back of Bella's head, "hon, how the fuck did you not feel you had a damn hole in your head?"

"Luke said it's not that bad," Bella whined and he had the decency of blushing, although he was still pretending not to be paying attention to their conversation and going through his phone.

"Well, Luke lied," Wendy traced it on her scalp and Bella shuddered, even if the touch was so gentle she could barely feel it.

"How big is it?"

"About the size of my hand... In a Z format, it starts on your left side near the nape and goes to the top of your right ear."

"Your hands are not that big," Lucas said and Wendy showed him her tongue, dropping Bella's curls back down and helping her seat back against the pillows.

"And the holes the doctor opened...?" Bella inspected her face in the small hand mirror Wendy had brought upon her request, after Lucas had answered, unhelpfully, You look beautiful whenever she asked how the wounds looked.

"It's only four," Wendy lightly touched her over the left ear, "one, two, three, four" her pointer finger stopped on the apex of Bell's head, "they're not large. Impeccable suturing... And he drilled in the middle of the bone flap, that's unusual-"

"Okay, that's enough," Luke planted his hands on his thighs with enough force to cause a clap, springing up, "you're gonna make her sick."

Wendy rolled her eyes, "she's fine!"

"She is right here," Bella groaned, but to Luke's credit she did look vaguely nauseous and Wendy hadn't noticed, "I don't wanna know anymore."

"Sorry, sorry," Wendy blushed, face burning as she pulled her hand back, just as the door opened and Vince walked in.

"Don't you knock?" Bella groaned, sinking against the pillows and letting her eyes slip closed for a minute. Vince cringed, knocking on the now closed door.

"Sorry?"

Wendy shot him a glance and Vince pointed the door with his thumbs, "uhm, Luke, can we chat?"

"Now?" Lucas said, looking nervously between Bella and Vince. She rolled her eyes, sleepily.

"Go, I'm not going to die if you leave me alone for a sec," she smiled and he looked more disappointed than reassured as he nodded and followed Vince outside.

"What does Vin want?" Bella yawned and Wendy snorted.

"Nothing," she pushed a curl away from Bell's eyes, "get your vampire of a husband out in the sun for the first time in four days."

"He does look like a vampire now," Bella giggled, before wincing and shutting up. Wendy scowled at her.

"Are you in pain? You have to tell us, honey, your pain tolerance is really high and-"

Bella let out a shaky breath and said quietly, "no, not in pain..." she gulped down, "I feel kinda sick..."

"Kinda?" Wendy raised an eyebrow, getting up from the little corner of the mattress she was sitting on and crossing the room to grab the emesis basin, "are you going to kinda barf?"

"Maybe," Bella scoffed, taking the basin with a trembling hand. She leaned over it, gagging softly and closing her eyes. Her back arched with a retch a second later and Wendy rushed to steady the basin with one hand, the other keeping the hair away from Bell's mouth.

She heard the ginger retch again, followed by a whimper and then a splash of sick fell in the basin. Bella gasped, "why... Why- It's blood...?"

Wendy glanced down worriedly, before letting out a giggle, letting go of the basin to rub her friend's back, "it's strawberry jell-o, Bell."

"Oh..." Bella groaned, although a small smile tugged at the corner of her lip for a brief moment, quickly wiped away as her stomach clenched again and she had to lean over the bowl.

Wendy hated the whimpers and little groans she could hear, they were so unlike Bella, almost uncanny, "you're alright, darling, shh..." Wendy said, feeling beyond useless and continuing to rub her back, "get it up and then we'll get some nausea medication on you, okay?"

"Hurts, Wendy..." Bella cried quietly and Wendy's heart sunk as she saw tears streaming down the corners of her eyes, whole face scrunched up with pain.

"Your stomach?"

"N-nu-oh god," Bella gagged again, coughing and starting to openly cry, "my head..."

"Okay, okay," Wendy whispered, crouching down and grabbing Bell's shoulders, forcing her to straighten up, "take a deep breath, honey, you're just making yourself sicker."

Bella gagged at the movement, squeezing her eyes shut, but Wendy didn't let go even when it seemed she was going to throw up again. Instead she brought up the bin to place it right under Bell's chin in case she was sick, urging her to breathe out of her mouth.

It took her a minute, but Bella eventually opened her eyes, still staring up, her lashes all clumped together with tears, "I'm fine."

"Yeah, you look fine," Wendy said ironically, lowering the basis and cupping her friend's cheeks, "let me see your eyes, honey."

"I'm okay, really," Bella mumbled, bloodshot blue eyes looking at Wendy. Her pupils were alright, same size.

"Okay, can you drink some water?"

The ginger hesitated, before nodding, "I can try."

"Here, Bell..." Wendy passed her a paper cup with a mini straw sticking out and Bella took it with shaky hands, taking the smallest of sips and then a bigger one when the water didn't make her immediately gag.

She passed the cup back to Wendy, sinking in the pillows, "this sucks."

"You'll be out of here soon," Wendy sat on the edge of the mattress, squeezing her friend's hand, "you're recovering very fast to the extent of the damage."

Bella let out a disbelieving scoff, before she eyed up the small woman before her, "I'm so sorry..."

Wendy's brows connected in confusion, "whatever for...?"

"The party- The band... The drug. I fucked it all up..."

"How was any of that your fault, Bells?" Wendy's frown broke in a smile and she tugged lightly on Bella's hospital gown when she didn't get a reaction, "I don't blame you for any of that, Bella."

"I hired the band, I got that creep near you. I left you alone, with my glass-"

"Nonsense," Wendy rolled her eyes, "none of that is your fault. By this logic, then it's my fault you had to have brain surgery."

Bella frowned, confused, "no, it's not-"

"Then it's settled, the party is also not your fault," Wendy grinned when the ginger made a face, clearly wanting to argue against the logic trap.

They quieted up and Wendy was sure Bella was about to doze off, when instead she opened her eyes, looking around the room and smiling.

"Thank you for the flowers, by the way..." she yawned, chin touching her collarbone as Bella's energy started to die down once again.

Wendy frowned, "I didn't send you flowers, honey..." she looked around the room for the first time, since all the times she had been inside, her entire focus had been on Bella.

The ginger frowned, "Jonah's?"

"I don't think so," Wendy got up, inspecting the collection of orchids and roses that littered the room, "maybe it was Luke?"

"Lucas hasn't shaved all week, he didn't buy me flowers," Bella yawned, blinking against sleep, "maybe Leo."

"Maybe," Wendy relented, not saying out loud that she doubted it. She heard Bella let out a sleepy sigh and then quiet down as she dozed off behind her, so Wendy crouched next to a big vase, turning it around to reveal a simple white card. It wasn't handwritten, someone had called the flower shop, not bought the flowers themselves.

"Get well soon, Kit" Wendy read out loud, turning her head to look at Bella, but the other woman was out like a lamp, "what a jerk," Wendy whispered under her breath, putting the card back in place.

----------------

Vince wasn't expecting Lucas to leave the room so easily, so it was much to his surprise when Wendy's plan to get their friend out of the ICU for a couple hours worked.

"So?" Luke asked, rubbing a hand over his face, "what did you wanna talk about...?"

"Nothing, I was just wondering the last time you ate. Or slept. Or showered. Or-"

"Fuck off, Vin," Lucas groaned, turning around to go back in Bella's room, but Vince reached out and grabbed the back of his t-shirt, keeping him in place easily, like a person holding a cat by the scruff.

"Hey! Vince, let me go-"

"Bella isn't going to die if you step away from her for a little bit," Vince pulled him away from the door, "we're gonna have lunch and then stop by your place so you can get out of these clothes, because frankly Luke, you desperately need a shower. Some sleep wouldn't hurt either."

"I don't know..." Lucas looked at the door again, "she's-"

"Fine, she's fine. Wendy is with her and her mom is coming in a couple hours to spend the night. You're leaving, c'mon," Vince pushed his best friend in front of him and started nudging Luke down the hallway.

He wasn't surprised at all when Luke tried to insist on driving, but upon being shoved on the passenger's seat he had promptly fallen asleep. Vince rolled his eyes, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel and leaning back with a yawn of his own as he drove the short distance between the hospital and Lucas' house.

"We're here," Vince quelled the big brother urge to poke Luke as hard as he could, instead settling for a gentle shake of his arm, "Luke, we're here, c'mon..."

Lucas blinked dizzily, seeming to be lost, so Vince circled the car and opened his door, "c'mon, bro, you can pass out inside..." he grabbed Luke's arm, manhandling him out of the car and his best friend slumped against him, still half asleep.

Together they stumbled inside, Vince saying a simple "nu-uh," when Lucas tried to fall down on the couch, pushing him further inside the house.

Luke's bed was still undone, the entire house was a mess, but not that the man cared, because he immediately fell into it and buried his face in Bella's pillow, letting out a big sigh, "I could sleep until next year."

Vince snorted at the comment after he had been such a pain about leaving the hospital, moving around the room to grab the ditched clothes and blankets, opening a window, "tell me about it."

He thought Lucas was back asleep, so Vince nearly jumped out of his skin when he finished sorting up the bathroom and walked back in the room and Luke said, "I was a dick to her."

"Jesus, don't do that," Vince whispered, clutching his chest, before he frowned as he understood what Lucas said, "to Bell?"

He nodded, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, "and then she wasn't... She was so scared, Vin, and I couldn't do anything and- And I thought she'd die and-" his voice broke and Vince winced in sympathy, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"She didn't die, Luke," he said softly, "and couples fight, it was just a terrible coincidence that you guys fought that night. Bella knows how much you love her..."

Lucas shook his head, half sitting up on the bed and pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes, "I was so fucking useless. She- She nearly died and-"

Vince lunged forward as he noticed Lucas' breath catching, his whole face red. He tugged on his shirt and pulled his best friend into a hug and it was all that it took for Luke to let out the tears he was trying, and failing, to keep away.

He shook with a string of sobs and Vince pressed his cheek to Luke's temple, squeezing him tightly, "she's okay, you're both okay," he whispered into his best friend's hair and the other man let out a watery scoff, hugging him back just as tight.

It took far too long for the sobs to stop and for Vince to feel like he could pull back. Once he finally did, Lucas hurried to wipe the red tear marks, sniffling as he said with a rough voice, "sorry-"

"Don't apologize to me," Vince flicked at his forehead with a fond eyeroll, "I'm going to order us dinner, you go wash up," he got up from the bed, giving Luke a little bit of privacy to collect himself.

The sun had already set outside when they met in Luke and Bell's tiny living room, with bags of take out between them, some movie playing on the background that neither of them was paying attention to. Now clean shaved and with his humid hair falling limply around his face, Lucas looked ten years younger.

"You know, I'm actually eager to go back to classes," Vince said and Lucas let out a little snort, angrily stabbing a veggie in his bowl of ramen.

"Feels stupid," he scoffed, "feels like a waste of my time."

"You don't mean that," Vince rolled his eyes, "you don't mean this at all, you're the one who loves college."

Lucas leveled him with a sad, empty stare, "what are you going to do in six months when we graduate?"

Vince's eyebrows shot up as he was faced with the direct question, "well, get a new place for starters."

"Right," Luke urged him to go on, gesturing with his chopsticks, "not moving in with Wendy then."

"I don't think so, no," Vince shrugged, "get a new place, start looking for a job in education. Troy said he'd want me to keep working at the museum, bigger shifts, presenting the expositions... I like doing that, I'm not bothered," he stared at the bottom of his bowl, "you?"

Lucas shrugged and Vince waited until the silence turned uncomfortable, "Luke?"

"I don't fucking know," Lucas said sourly and Vince tried to figure out if the bitterness was genuine or just a product of the hellish five days that had passed, "I always said politics, but... Running for something? Feels- I don't know, I don't think I want that anymore."

"You got two degrees, Luke, you can do whatever you want," Vince pointed out gently, "have you talked with Bella about this?"

He shook his head, biting the end of the wooden chopstick, "I'm embarrassed of telling her I have no fucking idea what I'm gonna do with myself. She's been working since she was legally allowed to- Hell, before that, actually. She's got it all figured out... I just-" he snapped his mouth shut, "college was easier."

Vince opened a lopsided grin, "yeah, that's kinda the whole point," he said, leaning back against the cushions, "you have time to figure it out, you're freaking yourself out like you do, Luke."

"I should've taken business," Lucas sighed and Vince raised an eyebrow.

"Business?" he repeated, food forgotten, "you hate business. You're almost flunking statistics. Why-"

"Dad said I should've gone for business, I'd get a job in running the managing side of his career-"

"Fuck that," Vince shook his head, "fuck that, and sorry, but fuck your dad too, he clearly doesn't know you. You'd be miserable, Lucas."

"At least I wouldn't be useless," his friend said quietly, rubbing at his forehead, "I keep thinking- I'm that guy who peaked in high school, Vince, except it was college. That's it. And- And I convinced Bella to get back with me and now I married her and one day she's going to realize she can do so much better-"

"You're spiraling," Vince kicked his friend's thigh lightly, rolling his eyes, "you don't mean any of that, Luke. You're spiraling because you haven't slept in five days and because you had to feel powerless and scared when Bella was unresponsive and because you talked with your stupid dad-"

"It doesn't make anything I said less true," Lucas glared at him and Vince let out a tired sigh.

"You didn't peak in college, Luke, and Bella loves you. She looks at you like you hung the fucking moon. You're just scared, dude, and that's fine, I am too-"

"No, you're not," Lucas pointed out, "you know what you're going to do, you'll be like the school's coolest teacher and probably become a principal in five years or whatever-"

"I hate doing management, I'd never become a principal," Vince grinned, "I think that you should talk about this with Bell. That's the point, right? You married the girl, you wanna spend the rest of your life with her... Then maybe talk about the rest of your life."

"Psych major much?"

"I'm getting my milage out of psych 101," Vince said humorously, smiling sadly, "so... Is your dad coming over? Jonah mentioned you called him..."

"Nah," Lucas' tentative smile vanished, replaced by a polite, painful one. Something automatic, "he's busy."

"He's busy," Vince repeated, trying to wrap his mind around it. Trying to imagine if his dad wouldn't show up if Wendy had been at the hospital for five days and Vince been beyond distraught.

"Yeah, he's launching a new Christmas album, so it's a whole thing," Lucas picked at his nails, "it's fine. I talked with Chloe-"

"Chloe?" Vince frowned, once again feeling left out. He always had this sensation whenever Lucas' background came up. Like he didn't know his best friend at all, "who the fuck is Chloe?"

"She's dad's insurance broker," Luke explained, "she's the one who got the specialist from Boston when I told her what was going on-"

"You told- Have you talked with him since?" Vince wanted to rattle Lucas, explain to him that that wasn't normal. That fathers weren't supposed to be like that, "hell, has he even called to ask about Bella?"

"He sent flowers," Luke shrugged, "trust me, he knows exactly what's going on here. He'd microchip me like a chimp if he was allowed," sounding more like himself, Lucas rolled his eyes and Vince looked away from him.

"He sent flowers," he bit the inside of his cheek, munching on the anger, thinking of Jonah's face when he mentioned Luke had called his father, the annoyance he had seen there. Vin forcefully shook his head to push the thoughts away, "are you done? You should go to sleep."

"Thank dad," Luke said cheekily, pushing the now cold ramen around, "I'm not that hungry to be honest... I... Thank you. For taking me out of the hospital and-" he gestured with his head, "everything else."

Vince shrugged, yawning against his hand, "I was doing everyone else a favor, you needed to shower," he teased and Lucas snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Will you stay?"

"If you want m-"

"Yeah, please," he nodded eagerly and Vince hummed in agreement.

"But we're sharing the bed, I refuse to sleep in this tiny couch," he said, causing Lucas to chuckle.

"Yeah yeah, you just like cuddling."

"Please, you snore."

[dudadragneel]

Dear annon! Here it is! I'm sorry that it took so longo and for the lame ending.

Requests are open

hello💞 not sure if requests are open but may I propose a Jake x reader where he’s nauseous and feverish on tour and y/n takes good care of him 💖

Idols schedules were always frantic, comebacks, concerts, MCing, variety programs, interviews, and trips. And sometimes all of this could happen within a week.

Tours were also tiring, sometimes there could be 2-3 concerts back to back, and usually, they had very little time to rest before catching a plane to another country. And that meant different time zones, jet lags, and different kinds of food.

It's actually surprising how they manage to deal with all of that, but, do they really?

You and Jake started dating a while after their debut, and of course, you kept it secret, you were even surprised how the company allowed it, but if it was working, why question it? 

Your dates would usually happen at the company building or sometimes they arranged it so they could go to your house and you could go to the dorms. 

You loved to play games with them and they always welcomed you so warmingly. And of course, whenever you could, you'd go on a few trips with them. But you could not take all of their schedules so, sometimes, if the tour stopped by your home country, you usually stayed there. 

This time, they were mid-tour and they had gone from a really hot weathered country to a cold one. And that messed with Jake's immune system.

You went with them to rehearsal but you and the boys noticed how he grew quiet throughout the dances. And when they were done with the first half of the rehearsal, Jake just slumped down to the floor with a loud sound, alarming everyone.

- JAKE!

You and the members ran to his side, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and squeezed them reassuring him you were there.

- Hey, babe, what's wrong? 

- I dont...I dont know.... I felt lightheaded all of a sudden.

You noticed that he was sweaty and you felt that he was hot through the fabric of his hoodie but it was only when he touched your hand for comfort, that you felt how hot he was.

- Oh my god, Jake, you're burning up! 

- Jesus man, you're on fire! 

- I'll bring a cold towel

The leader said exiting the room.

- Babe, how are you feeling?

- Hot and suffocated...

- let's take off this hoodie for a bit, hm?

- Okay.

You took off his hoodie and the moment you touched his skin, he hissed in pain.

- Agh!

- What is it? What's wrong? 

- I dont know, it hurts. It feels like everything is on fire when touching my skin.

- Can someone give me a thermometer?

- here.

One of the staff handed you a thermometer and you placed it under Jake's armpit. Five minutes later you took it off and were shocked.

- 37,5°C! Jake, how long have you been feeling like this?

- Come on, it's not that high....

- Not the time to be cute. Answer me.

You were as serious as someone could be and he didnt like to see you like that because he knew it was his fault.

- Maybe, since morning? No. I think it was since yesterday, at the end of the day.

- Why didnt you tell us?

Jay asked, just as serious as you.

- I dont know. I thought it was just because of the cold weather. That once I slept, it would go away.

- And what exactly were you feeling yesterday? 

- My nose was runny and my head was hurting a little. But I thought it was just because of the plane ride... didnt know it would become like this.

- And how are you feeling right now?

- Cold, lightheaded, and tired.

- I'll ask the instructors for a break.

Jungwon said getting up to talk to the staff.

You and the boys propped Jake up to his feet and guided him out of the room. It was too hot and stuffy inside there and it was making him feel out of air.

Jay got a wet cloth and handed it to you so you could wipe off Jake's sweat.

- I know it's uncomfortable, but it will make you feel a little better.

- Thanks....

- Jay, can you buy me a sports drink? I'm a little thirsty.

- I'll be right back.

After a few minutes, Jay got back with the drink and followed by Jungwon.

- The staff said we need to pass the choreography one more time and then we can go back to the hotel. You dont have to participate though, you can just watch.

- Alright.

- How are you feeling right now?

- A little better, I guess.

- Then let's get back into the room. 

- I'll stay with him.

- Please.

You went back to the practice room with Jake and sat in a corner watching the others run the choreographies.

You noticed how focused he was and how from time to time he pressed his forehead and squeezed his eyes.

- Hey, you okay?

- Hm? Yeah... It's just my head, it's hurting a little bit. 

- I have some painkillers with me, do you want one?

- No, thanks. I dont think I can take them now...

- Why? Are you feeling something else?

- I dont know for sure...my stomach feels kind of weird?

- Weird, like nausea?

- I dont know how to explain... It feels like I'm full even if I didnt really eat that much.

- Okay. So slow down on the water, alright? Take small sips. Just for precaution.

- Alright, my love.

The practice felt like it would never end and eventually Jake was feeling too tired, his head was hurting, his face felt like it was lit on fire, his skin felt hot and damp at the same time, and his stomach felt weird. He just wanted to get out of that place, he wanted a shower and a bed, that's all.

Noticing this, you guided his head towards your shoulder and wrapped your arm around him, while your other hand massaged his.

- It'll be over soon babe. Then we can go back to our room.

- Thanks....

He felt safe and comfortable with you and he must've been more tired than he thought because he managed to doze off even with all of that noise.

After more 45 minutes, the never-ending practice finally ended. You woke him up and helped him to his feet. 

The fever must've gotten a bit higher because the movement made him dizzy. As soon as he was up, his vision blurred and he felt his head spinning before he knew he had leaned his weight on your body.

- Hey! Jake! 

- Oi! You okay?

Jay said grabbing one of Jake's arms while you supported him. The rest of the group made their way to you alerted by the situation.

- Jake-Hyung, are you okay? What happened?

- Sorry guys.... I just got really dizzy when I stood up....

- Babe, I think your fever went up a bit....

You said putting your hand on his forehead.

- Yeah....it feels like it....

- Come on, let's go back to the hotel.

- Can you walk? 

- Honestly? I dont think so.... my legs feel weak.... I'm afraid of fainting....

You could hear in his voice that Jake's condition worsened in the last minutes and that he was feeling more than tired, he was exhausted. 

- I'll give you a piggyback ride to the car, okay?

He was embarrassed to the core but he felt like every ounce of strength left his body, so he accepted your request.

Thankfully he wasnt that heavy so you could carry him on your back.

The ride back to the hotel went peacefully, he slept through the entire ride on your shoulder and you could feel how hot he was. 

Upon arriving to the hotel, the boys and the managers helped Jake to your room.

You helped him lay down on the bed.

- We'll have the medical team check him, okay?

- Alright. 

- Hey, babe, do you want to take a shower? You sweat too much today....

- I dont think I have any strength right now.... I just want to sleep for a while....

- Okay...Lets wait for the doctor, see if they'll give you any sort of medicine.

After a few minutes, the medical team came to check him and concluded that he had a cold, hence the fever and the diziness was being caused by it. They said that since his throat was in good condition, he could perform, after taking the medicine and eating.

- You can rest now, we'll come to get you guys for dinner later, okay?

- Okay. Thank you.

- Do you want to take the medicine now, my love?

- Yeah... hopefully it'll help me rest a little...

He took the medicine and within 15 minutes he was fast asleep, you laid down next him and pulled him closer to you. Jake wrapped his arms around you, and rested his head on your chest, your heartbeat helping him calm down.

You checked his temperature from time to time and felt relieved when you noticed it was coming down.

Jake slept for the rest of the day, until night, which you were grateful for, he really needed that.

Around 7PM, Jake woke up, and he felt better, thankfully, the best he felt all day.

- Good morning, sleepyhead!

- Y/n.... good mornin- wait, what?

- I'm just joking haha

- You startled me, babe. Was I out for too long?

- Well....basically for 5 hours or so. You slept like a ferret.

- I needed that, I feel much better now.

- Your fever went down a lot! Do you think you can take a shower now? We'll leave in a few minutes for dinner.

- Yeah! I'll be ready in no time.

He felt a lot better, so he thought it had just been the symptoms of a mild cold and that he would be 100% better by morning. But his evening was just starting.

Getting out of the shower he decided to put on a hoodie and some pants, it wasnt the most stylish outfit but you had to admit, he looked cute. He said that given what he felt that day, he just wanted to be comfortable. 

The group was going to have dinner at the hotel's restaurant, given Jake's condition earlier, they didnt want to risk going out of the hotel and something happening.

You two met with the rest of the group in the lobby area before heading to the reserved area of the restaurant.

- Hey Jake! How are you? 

- Better. I slept for some time. I feel much better now. And y/n said my fever went down, so that's good. 

- Great! You must be hungry.

- Starving!

- Your table is ready.

The food came and you had to admit, you'd never not be surprised by how much these boys ate. Sometimes you wondered if they ate anything at all during the day. 

Jake ate as if he had been starving all day, and for a while, you were very happy to see him eating like that. But that didnt last long.

30 minutes into the dinner, Jake's body started to feel funny again. There was a slight headache starting, he felt like his fever was coming back and his stomach was starting to act up. He decided to sit back on his chair, trying to get a little away from the food, but you noticed he had gone quiet.

- Hey, babe, is everything okay? You got quiet all of a sudden....

-Hm? Yeah, I'm fine, it's just my head started to hurt a little.

You grabbed his hand and noticed it was a little hotter than when you guys went down to the lobby.

- You're starting to feel hot. Maybe you fever is coming back?

- Maybe. But I'm okay.

- If you say so...Look! Your favorite food is here.

- Ah, yeah, I'm kind of full now...

- Really? But you like this so much! Just a bite, you deserve it after what happened earlier.

- Okay.

Jake started eating again, and for some time, his stomach actually accepted the food but then things took a turn for the worse. 

He had one more bite, and his stomach decided it was just too much. He immediately felt nauseous, he felt cold sweat on his neck, he put his spoon down and tried to keep up with the conversation going on.

But it only got worse, he felt his food coming up his throat and began swallowing convulsively, he held onto the fabric of his clothes with a tight grip, trying to focus on his breathing, but it wasnt working. He was going to be sick. 

- Guys...Excuse me... where's the bathroom?

- Hm? It's a bit in the back. Jake, is everything okay?

- No- I'm gonna be sick-

He gagged onto his hand and Heeseung was quick to get up from his chair and went to Jake's side.

- I'll take you there. Can you stand up?

- I dont- I feel lightheaded...my legs feel weak....

- Come on, I've got you.

Heeseung helped Jake up and held him close as the younger bent over. You wanted to go with them, but you were in a somewhat public space, meaning you couldnt enter the men's restroom.

- Y/n noona, was he like this before?

- No...He was feeling better. He took his medicine and slept. When he woke up he said he was feeling good and took a bath. 

- Maybe the food didnt sit well with him...

Heeseung got to the restroom just in time, as Jake couldnt hold it any longer. He bent over as a thick stream made it's way out, coming out of his nose as well. The sensation was horrible since he didnt drink anything during dinner, it was just solid chunks, which made him even more nauseous, as the texture left a horrible sensation in his mouth and throat. 

He had no time to breathe before another wave came out, hitting the edge of the toilet as well. 

Heeseung kept rubbing Jake's back, up and down and in circles, trying to give the younger a little comfort. 

After a few more rounds, Jake straightened his body, trying not to vomit anymore, but everything he felt that day had escalated to the maximum level.

Suddenly his fever spiked, his head pounded as if someone had landed a punch and he felt incredibly lightheaded.

The movement made him dizzy and he felt cold sweat from his neck all the way to his back. He was going to faint.

- Hyung....I feel like I'm gonna faint....

- Okay, it's okay. I've got you. Come here.

He was thankful that he knew English as Jake suddenly spoke in his native language. It happened whenever he got sick, as it was more comfortable for him. 

He put his arms underneath Jake's arms just in time as the boy lost consciousness, and he felt how hot the younger was. He carefully guided him down to the floor and used his hoodie as a temporary pillow, and he lift Jake's legs up to help the circulation back to his brain.

He soaked a towel with cold water and used it to wipe off the sweat in the boy's face. Slowly, the color came back and he started to breathe normally again.

A few seconds later Jake regained consciousness, but all the information coming back was too much, the lights, the smells, the noise, everything was too much. Before he even managed to get up, he felt vomit coming up his throat again, he barely had time to turn to his side before throwing up again. 

Heeseung helped him sit down and rubbed his back as he continued to vomit again.

- I'm sorry hyung-

- Dont worry about the mess okay? Let everything out. 

Jake's body was determined to get rid of everything as he continued to vomit, each wave hitting the ground with a sickening sound. 

- There you go. Do you think you're done? 

- yeah.... 

- Can you stand up? 

- No....I have no strength

- I'll help you up.

He put his arms underneath Jake's and slowly guided him up, and once he was standing, he made sure to support him and check if he felt dizzy again. He helped the boy to the sink to rinse his mouth, but standing up was killing him.

- Hyung- I dont feel good...I cant feel my legs...

- Here. I'll carry you back.

He helped Jake to his back and gave him a piggyback ride back to the restaurant.

Everyone was shocked with the situation.

He sat him down on a chair and you went straight to him and pulled his head close to your body and started rubbing his back reassuringly.

- Heeseung hyung, what happened??

- He threw up a lot and his fever spiked and he ended up fainting. 

- Oh my god.

- Hyung, isnt it best to take him to the hospital?

- I think it'd be better. We need to figure out what's going on with him. I'll take someone from the medical staff and y/n with us. I'll let you guys know as soon as we have an answer.

- Okay, hyung.

The manager took you to the hospital and after some tests, Jake was diagnosed with a bad stomach flu that was aggravated due to his immune system being weak. He spent 2 hours in the hospital taking IV fluids due to dehydration.

The doctor gave him a prescription for anti-emetics and a fever reducer before you were free to go.

Arriving at the hotel, the manager carried Jake back to your shared bedroom before leaving to tell the members about his condition.

- Hyung, how's Jake? What's wrong with him?

- He's got a bad case of stomach flu. The doctor said that his immune system is weak due to all the trips and everything and it aggravated the situation. They gave him a prescription for anti-emetics and fever reducer. He probably wont take part in tomorrow's performance.

- I understand. Well, we'll let him rest then. Y/n is with him right?

- Yes. The medical staff is with them as well, at least for now.

BEDROOM 

- He probably will continue to vomit, but try your best to keep him hydrated. If you notice that he's losing too much water, call us and we'll set another IV fluid for him. It might be an arduous night but we'll be available any time okay?

- Okay! Thank you so much.

After the medical staff left, you were left alone with your sick boyfriend.

- Jake, how are you feeling?

- Like I could pass out at any time....

- So a bath right now is the last thing we can do....

- Yeah...but I feel gross, I smell like vomit and I'm covered in sweat...

- I can wipe your sweat. I'll call one of the boys to support you while I do it, okay?

- That's embarrassing but okay.

He said, finally letting out a little laugh.

- Yeah, you'll have to deal with it, babe.

You said laughing back. 

Before calling one of the members, you checked his temperature.

- Jesus, babe, 38.5°C! No wonder you feel like fainting. 

- It feels awful....

- And the nausea?

- Gone for a while...

- Thank god.

You called Jay to help you give him a little bath.

- Yo, Jake, how are you feeling?

- Horrible, but at least the nausea is gone for now.

- That's good!

- Babe, let's take off that hoodie.

You said, coming back with a bowl and a wet towel.

- Jay, can you sit behind him? And support his back for me? While I wipe off his chest?

- Sure.

- Babe, this might feel bad because the water is a little cold.

He hissed in pain as the cold cloth touched his skin, his fever was so high, the smallest of touches made it feel like it was cutting his skin.

You whipped off the sweat from his chest then moved on to his back, and Jay helped you and him throughout the process. 

After a few minutes, you finished the process and gave him another hoodie, a lighter one this time. He needed to take his fever reducer so he had to eat something.

- Babe, do you think you can stomach at least some bread? Just so you can take your medicine?

- Maybe...I dont feel that nauseous anymore

- Good.

You ordered some bread for the sick boy, which the hotel staff was quick to deliver.

He ate it and thankfully his stomach accepted it and took his medicine.

- Babe, I'm tired...

- Do you want to watch some tv until you sleep?

- Yeah...

- Come here, my love.

You let him rest his head on your chest and cuddled him. You kept stroking his hair and within a few minutes he was fast asleep.

You turned off the main lights and let just a darker one on so you could read.

After 1 hour or so, the boy was still sleeping and you thought that he would finally be able to rest after such a tiring day. But that wasnt the case.

2 hours into the night, Jake started to feel funny again, his stomach started to twist and turn while he was sleeping. You noticed him shifting uncomfortably and woke him up.

- Babe, Jake, wake up. What's wrong? 

- Hm? My stomach....I dont feel good...

- Do you think you're gonna be sick?

- I dont know....

- Okay. Can you walk to the bathroom?

- No...I feel weak, I dont want risk passing out on you....

- Okay. Here.

He sat on the edge of the bed and you gave him the bucket that was near. You sat beside him and rubbed his back.

- Just let it out babe. Unfortunately, you'll only feel better if you let it out.

- I dont want to, my stomach hurts from all the movement.

- I know babe, but holding it in wont help.

He didnt want to throw up again but his body said otherwise. The nausea increased by the second and he started to spit thick saliva into the bucket, he gagged unproductively a few times before another wave of vomit poured out of his mouth hitting the bucket.

- There you go. You're doing good. I'm right here my love. 

You rubbed his back up and down as he emptied his stomach. You thanked the heavens that it had been enough time for the medicine to kick in so he wouldnt have to take it again.

The ordeal went on for a few minutes before he was left dry heaving. You cleaned his mouth and gave him some water to rinse it. 

Given the situation you decided to settle him in a sitting position on the bed, just in case.

- Lets try to take that anti-emetic? Think you can keep it down?

- I hope so...

He took the medicine, which his stomach thankfully accepted.

After a few more minutes he was asleep again, you took the opportunity to clean the bucket and take a shower. You sat beside him on the bed and kept rubbing his hand.

Unfortunately, it wasnt long before he got sick again and that's how your night went on, with Jake getting sick at least 5 more times.

The next day, he didnt take part in the concert, and he also couldnt go to enjoy it with you.

You two spend the day on the hotel room, but this time Jake only got sick two times and by night he was feeling better, the fever being the lasting symptom.

- Babe, next time you're not feeling well, you need to tell us, okay? So we can avoid the situation worsening like this.

- I'm sorry, love. I really thought it was just something from the plane ride. Will you forgive me?

He looked at you with the cutest puppy eyes you've ever seen in your life, and you couldnt help but squeeze his cheeks.

- I love you.

- I love you too, babe.

[syoung-gifs]

Make Me Love You

The strobe lights and people passing by me are making me dizzy.

I knew it was such a bad idea that I drank 3 shot of vodka before coming into this place. But without any alcohol on my system, I won't be able to do the things I on my lists.

I look at dance floor. Most of them are still in their 20's dancing like there's no tomorrow. I envy them. When I was at their age, I was stuck at home doing nothing. And now that I turned 34, I realize I'm missing a lot of things. That's why I am here. I want to get wasted and lose my virginity.

I slowly made my way through the mass of people. I notice some guys are eyeing me. I smirk to myself. I knew I picked the right dress for this. It fits me perfectly, hugging my curves. This the result when you're a homebody and got nothing to do to kill time but exercise.

I close my eyes and starts to slowly move my body to the rhythm of the music. Running my hands through my long hair and then the sides of my breasts, my waist and my hips. It feels good to let myself out like this and not feel embarrassed. All thanks to alcohol. The music reverberates throughout my body as I dance. I am so lost in the moment when I feel a hand slowly slipping on my waist. I open my eyes and look over my shoulder. It's a guy, and he's taller than me. I glance up to see his face but I am so drunk he looks blurry to me.

He pulls me closer to him and starts dancing with me. He is so close I can feel his body heat radiating from him. I lean back against him. A gasp escapes my lips as he starts leaving butterfly kisses from shoulder, to my neck until he reaches my earlobe and softly bit on it. My breath hitch.

He buried his face on my neck, slowly nuzzling my skin. I can feel his hot breath and it's sending shivers all over my body. Something sparks in me, causing a wildfire across my body. Making me want more. My hand makes its way over to his head, grabbing his long hair and pull him closer until his lips touch my skin again. He growls and gently suck on it, making me moan.

"Come with me." the guys whispers on my ears, taking me by the hand. 

I want to complain why he suddenly stop. But I'm so drunk I can't even make words or stop him from dragging me. I don't know where he's taking me. I don't even know where we are. All I know is these movements are making me feel nauseous and only goes away whenever he stops to kiss me.

He stops walking, it made me stop too. My head is spinning. And then he starts kissing me again, this time aggressively. His tongue graze over my lips, teasing me to open them, so I did. His breath smells like mix of alcohol and cigarette and watermelon. 

I bit his tongue because I never like guys who smokes. He groan and stops kissing me. I purse my lips and look at him, at his face but I can't really see it. It's too blurry. His hand slowly glided along my dress, down the side of my hips to my thigh and carry me without a warning. So fucking hot. 

I cup his face and starts kissing him hungrily. His hands squeeze my butt. He manage to sat on the bed without breaking our kiss. And then his lips starts to move down on my jaw onto my neck and suck hard on it. He's breathing heavily and then I feel it. Something hard is poking between my legs.

I push him down the bed. It caugh him off guard. I began pulling down the strips of my dress, slowly revealing my body. His eyes are on me, intently watching me.

"Fuck." he said breathlessly, looking at my naked breast. His hand reach for it, giving it a squeeze. His thumb slowly grazing over nipple, doing it in circle. I arch my back as I moan at the new sensation I'm feeling.

I want more. I need more.

I stop his hands and put it up above his head. And then I position myself on top of him and starts straddling him. Pressing and rubbing, up and down on his hard and still fully cloth shaft. He closes his eyes, his teeth sinking into his lower lip. His hands cup my butt and guides me to move faster.

"Ahhh." I moan loudly. This m is so intoxicating, electrifying every part of me. It's too much but "Ahhh!"It's feels fucking good. My body starts to tensed up, a pressure building up on my lower belly. So I move even more faster and didn't stop until I reached my climax.

We are both catching our breath after. I feel tired, so I lay my head on his chest.

[stickymem]

The small man was certainly undead like himself. That was evident not only by his scent but by how he slept, no breathing but plenty of rem eye movement. He hadn't been undead long, Lukas suspected, with how pathetic he was in a fight. Then again the smell of booze and how inebriated he was last night suggested he was losing any reason to carry on as an undead.

That would be changing, Lukas told himself as he drug a fresh corpse into the basement he managed to make his home. Stubborn habits inherited from a nagging sibling taught him that a well fed man was a healthy man. Slumping the stiff onto a messy table he started rummaging through its pockets in hopes of finding valuables.

The racket stirred his guest, poor miserable Burp groaning as he turned in bed. His chubby face twisted sour from a throbbing headache. “Nnn…ughnn..” Peeling his eyes open he saw Mr.Tall and scary undressing the corpse. “Eghk seriously do that somewhere else if you're gonna-”

“Don't be weird, this is breakfast.” Lukas chuffed in disgust as he tore into the body's chest to pry open its ribcage. Pulling out the juicy organs to slide them down his gullet with nary a thought. The sickly sweet smell would have put any normal person into a nauseous fit but as a ghoul it was like sniffing freshly made cheese.

Burp however wasn't accustomed to the diet, regardless of how loud his stomach was whenever the urge turned. Fighting tooth and nail just to swallow anything that wasn't rotten, and boy was it showing.

You see, a healthy ghoul is a ghoul who did their job, eating corpses. Muscle, gut and bones are all a part of their diets. Without it they become weak and brittle, not to mention cranky. Animal meat works sure but it certainly doesn't touch the perks dead human meat would give.

“Don't yah got somethin else…Like a squirrel?” Burp sneered as Lukas handed him an arm. Shoving the smell right up to his honking noise making his insides bark with demands. In better physical condition he'd be able to resist, but today he is weak, sad and hungover ensuring his instincts would win.

Lukas's shoulders jolted as the arm was snatched right from his hand. It was in the clown's massive jaws before he could blink. It was quite impressive how the small ghoul crushed it with a few chomps. “Good to know something shuts you up…”

With a slimy gulp Burp sat right up with such a bratty fury anyone would have gotten whiplash “If you don't like me running my gabber then why'd you bring me home? Some kinda weirdo?” Squinting like someone farted.

That comment threw the boney spector into a sudden motion of justice. His hand clutching the clown's throat with a way too tight grip. “You have a problem with ‘weirdos’?”

“Elck-gulk!” Burp's eyes crossed at the sudden pressure around his neck. Squeezing out a response like a deflated balloon. “Wh- depends what sort-kk” He really needed to watch his mouth, but wires were crossed somewhere.

“You worked in a circus?” Lukas pressed him down into his cot, hand not as tight but he certainly wasn't letting go.

Squirming the clown panted “Why else would I be dressed as a clown dumba-ckk?!” He has been thrown around before but this felt different. Too bad he was too hungover to figure out why.

“Surely you knew workers who were engaged with the same gender, yes?” Lukas asked, easing up so Burp could answer.

“Yeh…what's your point?” Burp huffed.

Pulling the dumbass back up to get real close Lukas growled. “Are they these weirdos?”

“What? No-” Burp snorted. “I was making a poor joke…in bad taste.” Shrugging with a goofy smile.

Lukas's eyes focused deep into Burp's, the tension thicker than mud.

“Honest!” Burp defendely gestured. “I was implying you were gonna do somethin’ gross…without my consent…”

“Never.” Lukas huffed, letting his guest go, fixing the clown's suspenders. “Was a bad joke.”

Fidgeting Burp grumbled. “I don't have much material lately…”

“Also run your mouth too much.” Lukas shoved more corpse meat at the man.

Burp was far too hungry to argue, tearing into his meal. Greedily swallowing it down.

Lukas had finished off the organs before taking some thigh meat. “Do you hunt?”

“Been avoiding it…” Burp chewed a bit slower. “Not exactly attractive to be eating dead guys you know…”

“You want to find out who killed you don't you?” Lukas swallowed, quite finished with the meal. A cute pudge sitting over his belt line.

Burp huffed, getting up. “Sure, but I can't exactly do that without clues…those ran out back in Europe.”

“Use your instincts, I'll teach you.” Lukas motioned his hands as if to encourage his guest to finish the corpse.

Pointing at the half eaten stiff the clown blinked with disbelief. “You want me to eat the rest? You're kidding right?”

“That's your game, not mine. Eat.” Lukas pushed.

“You really like bossing people around huh German boy?” A brighter smile brandished the clown's chubby face. It was actually quite striking.

Lukas had nothing more to say then, watching Burp eat this thing on his own without further assistance.

It was a bit clumsy but he certainly made good work. Finishing the meal with a satisfying belch, Burp patted his bloated gut. “Woof, I guess I did need that…”

“Feel better?” Lukas tilted his head a bit, a bit surprised himself by how much the sma man could put away.

Nodding Burp stretched. “Yeh…thanks.”

“Good, we can start training.” Lukas hurried to the other side of the basement to move a wooden plank that revealed a tunnel.

The clown's brows rose up in surprise. “Whoa what's all this?” The smell of the cool dark depths caught his attention. His big honker pulled him along as he looked down the corridor.

“Come and you'll see!” Lukas looked excited rushing down the tunnel, the sound of his panting echoing along the walls.

“Hang on-” Burp huffed and hobbled down like an awkward penguin. “You're fast.”

“Run on your fours!” Lukas called from further in.

Burp stammered with a flabbergasted tone. “You're shitting me!?”

“There will be none of that, no.” Lukas sounded innocently confused by that statement.

“Oh you're adorable.” The clown said with an exasperated drag of his voice. Hunching down on all fours. “This would be funny if it were part of some skit…too bad this guy's humor is as dry as Germany’s comedy.” Mumbling to himself as he attempted to walk like this, looking a little bit like a turtle. It didn't help that he just ate, his stomach kinda in the way of any semblance of a gate.

Lukas was clearing out an old cavern of debris when he noticed the small man awkwardly hop down like a pug dog. His face twitched with a soft smirk, hot air escaping his boney nostril.

“Huh?” The clown's ears twitched at the almost familiar sound. “You mother-”

He was already laughing, hunched over as he covered his face. It was a raspy noise like glass inside a rubber tube. By his embarrassment you could tell he didn't normally let himself get so giggly.

Something about it got Burp in a tizzy, a naughty tizzy. “Oh you're the funny one now huh? Think you're tough shit huh?” A huge grin gracing his face like it hadn't done that in some time.

“No-no…it's just ha-your form is all wrong.” Lukas gasped for breath.

“Oh is that all? Then how's this form for yah?” The clown got on his head to stand on it.

Chuckling Lukas shook his head. “I'm serious, here.” He came over to help him back down into his fours. “Watch me.”

He got down with him to show him how to walk on fours. His movement is that of a primates. “Your body will adjust.”

“I've heard of monkey business but this -” Burp started following along, noticing how easy it actually was. Like his muscles were already adapted for this reason. “Ridiculous? Hey…this is actually great.”

“Good! Keep that up.” Lukas hopped up on a stone casket.

Burp hopped around, even trying circus poses as he got accustomed to it. “Say this would be great in showbiz. Who needs monkey's when you got ol Burp?” Gripping a beam to hang about.

“That is your name then?” Lukas found that hard to believe.

“Stage name, real names Bartholomew” he flipped down to sit in the dirt to light a cigar. “Not exactly a fitting title for my gig.” Puffing a hot cloud of smoke he asked. “You gotta name stretch?”

“Lukas.” He seemed lighter, a lot less intimidating now. Almost softer, kinder as he asked “What exactly is your gig Bart?”

His new friend smirked with delight. “Tell dad jokes while I do silly tricks usually, but I'm infamous for my name's sake.” Tilting his head up to suck in air just to push it back out with a hearty noise. A loud belch bouncing around the walls making the little devil giggle.

It certainly was impressive but Lukas seemed more interested in what skills Burp could have carried over in the afterlife. Brows furrowed in thought he spoke up “Once I show you how to fight I'm sure you'll learn what else you can do.”

Burp pursed his lip in an annoyingly bratty way. “What am I not wowing you yet?”

“Not what I mean.” Lukas got up. “Our bodies have abilities linked to our past. Such as how weapons come out of my chest.” He gestured to his handsome pectorals that smiled with sharp teeth.

Eyeing them with a bit of envy Burp huffed. “So yer saying I got powers and shit?”

“More than likely.” Lukas hopped down to help his friend up. “Just have to trigger them.”

“Alright…so I gotta beat you up then huh?” Burp looked much too excited for that idea.

Smiling darkly Lukas looked at the cocky little fuck like this would be much too fun. “You certainly can give it a try.”

[grex-statera]

Chapter 3: Which is Which? - Spring, Year 1

Elliot woke up a bit earlier than usual. Without an alarm, he usually wakes up at around 9:30 to 10 am. But since the sun touches everything in the countryside mornings, he had sunbeams in his face at 7:30 am.

Elliot: Oh, man.

Elliot reached for his phone.

Elliot: Hmm. 7:30 Ellie. Nice.

Elliot stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, thinking about what he would do today.

Elliot: Alright. Spend the morning at Robin's, buy crop seeds at Pierre's then maybe hang out at the beach?

He got up and prepared for the day ahead.

He took the backwoods route to Robin's house, as per the map Lewis left in his house. It was just around a 10 minute walk.

When he got there, he saw quite an impressive house. It was simple, yes, but there was something so unique about it. It had a certain character to it - definitely not your average country house. Elliot was in no way, shape or form an architect, but he does have an eye for beautiful things. He looked closely at the plaque at the door: 24 Mountain Road.

Elliot: Alright. This is the place.

He softly knocked at the door, then opened it. Immediately, he was greeted by Robin, standing behind the counter.

Robin: Oh!!! Look who's here!

She was beaming.

Robin: Come in, come in! Welcome to my shop. Er, my house, also.

The inside was cozy and Robin had a few displayed products up for grabs.

Elliot: Good morning! Wow, these look very well-made. You really know your stuff.

Elliot examined each piece carefully: A sturdy-looking chair with intricate carvings on the backrest. A mahogany table with a glass top. A desk with two drawers with a glossy finish.

Elliot: They look more like art rather than things you would normally see in a house.

Robin, a bit flustered: Oh, you flatter me. I put my all from designing a piece to making it. Carpentry's my passion.

Elliot: Oh?? You even design then yourself? That's impressive!

Robin, laughing heartily: Hahaha, alright. That's quite enough about me. Why don't we say hi to my husband and daughter? They're at the lab. Here, I'll show you.

They made their way across the room into the laboratory. It looked out of place with its tiled floor and all-white walls.

Robin: Hey, guys. I'd like you to meet our new local farmer, Elliot.

Elliot: Hello, good morning! It's nice to meet you.

Demetrius: Hello there, Elliot. I'm Demetrius. I'm a scientist studying the local ecology. And this is Maru, my daughter.

Maru gave a shy smile and waved at him.

Maru: Hi, it's nice to meet you too.

Demetrius: So you're the new farmer, huh? I'm assuming you have a background when it comes to the trade?

Oh, boy.

Elliot: Actually, not really. I do have a degree in Biology but I worked in a corporate setting so I only had my father teach me the basics before I moved here.

Demetrius' and Maru's interests were piqued.

Demetrius: Biology, you say? That's very interesting. If you'd like, you can help us out with some of the research data I'm trying to gather for my study.

Elliot: Sure, sounds good. Please feel free to contact me whenever. Never too late to brush up on my scientific roots.

This earned a light chuckle from the two scientists.

Demetrius: Right, then. We'll see you around, Elliot.

Robin and Elliot made their way out of the lab and into the basement.

Robin: Alright, uh, down at the basement is my son, Sebastian's room. He's very shy but I'm sure he'll warm up to you.

Robin led Elliot down a few flights of stairs which ended in a huge door with a 'Keep Out' sign. Robin knocked.

Robin: Sebby, are you awake?

There was a muffled sound of rock music coming from the door, but Sebastian wasn't answering. Robin pushed the door open anyway.

Sebastian was sitting in front of his computer, blaring bad rock music. Elliot didn't mind since he sometimes listened to this band, but the smell made him feel a bit nauseous. The room wasn't well-ventilated and there was a hint of cigarette smoke in the air. It felt quite uncomfortable.

Sebastian: Mom, didn't I tell you to knock first?

Robin: I did knock, Seb. You didn't answer. (Sigh) Anyway, I just wanted you to meet the new farmer over at Kipling.

Sebastian paused his music. He eyes the small figure beside his mom. He had a stern and stoic look on his face.

Sebastian: Out of all the places you could live, you chose Pelican Town?

What a bitch, was Elliot's first impression. As if it was his choice to move here.

Robin: Sebastian!

Sebastian: What?

Elliot: Haha, it's alright, Robin. Well, anyway, my name's Elliot. Nice to meet you. I think I'll get going now.

Elliot gave them a wave and started to come back upstairs. Robin followed behind.

Robin: I'm really sorry for my son's attitude back there. He's quite moody.

Elliot: Nah, it's okay, Robin. Thanks for showing me around your house and introducing me to your family.

Robin: Sure thing, Elliot. Do come by again if you need anything, alright?

Elliot: Absolutely!

Elliot started walking toward Pierre's general store. On the way, he saw Mayor Lewis staring forlornly at a dilapitated building.

Elliot: Good morning, Mayor Lewis.

Lewis: Oh, hello there, dear. Didn't notice you there.

Elliot: Uh, what's this building?

Lewis: Oh, it's the old community center. It used to be a thriving place. Come inside.

Lewis unlocked the door. It was just as worse inside as it were outside. The ceiling was starting to cave in and there was a nest of some sort in one corner.

Lewis: I had to lock the door to keep the villagers out. It's not exactly safe in here. Jas and Vincent used to play here a lot.

Elliot: Whoa, what hap-

Elliot saw movement at the corner of his eye. Probably a rat. But he felt like it was something else. He walked towards the nest-looking thing. It looked like a very small hut but nothing's inside. Elliot turned and saw a jellybean-looking thing. Is that even the right description? He wasn't too sure what he's seeing but it sure was intriguing. When it started to walk toward him, he couldn't help but yelp.

Lewis: Whoa, hey! What is it?

Elliot: Lewis, there's something in here!

Lewis: What? What is it?

Elliot pointed at where he saw the entity but it was no longer there.

Lewis: Hmm. Alright, it's probably just a rat. I'll leave the door unlocked, in case you could help us with this problem. I'll talk to the other men in town as well.

They went out of the building and Lewis bid Elliot farewell. What even was that?, Elliot tried to think. It's only almost noon and he's already had quite a rollercoaster of a day. He definitely needed to unwind at the beach after that.

And so he made his way into Pierre's. And then started towards the beach.

Robin: South of town, past the bridge. You can't miss it.

Elliot tried to remember what Robin said yesterday.

Sebastian: Out of all the places you could live, you chose Pelican Town?

Elliot couldn't help but laugh. What's so bad about this town? Guess Sebastian just never had a life as eventful as Ellie's.

As he was approaching the south bridge, Elliot saw a handsome man standing on it. He was wearing a nice, casual suit. His long, orange hair was waving in the slight breeze. Elliot was smitten. What the hell, love at first sight?

The man on the bridge noticed Elliot staring. He gave him a warm smile.

Elliott: Can I help you?

Ellie: OH! I'm sorry, please excuse me for staring, I didn't mean to be rude.

Elliott: Hah, it's alright. I haven't seen you before? Are you, perhaps, a visitor from another town?

Ellie: Oh, no. I'm the new farmer over at Kipling.

Elliott looked entertained and intrigued.

Elliott: A new farmer! And a new addition to the Pelican Town family. I'm Elliott. I'm a writer looking for inspiration in this lush valley. It's my pleasure to meet you.

A writer! Ellie tried and failed countless times, trying to come up with stories he actually liked to tell and read. Unfortunately, writing just wasn't his strong suit.

Ellie let out a slight laugh.

Ellie: Oh, what are the odds? My name's Elliot too!

The two of them laughed about this coincidence.

Elliott: Oh, my. It would be quite troublesome for everyone to refer to either of us then.

Ellie: Nah, it's alright. I'll just tell everyone to call me Ellie. You can be the Elliott.

Elliott: Alright. Ellie it is for you, then. I wonder, do you have plans tonight? I'd like to give you a proper welcome at the saloon, if you don't mind.

Ellie: Oh, sure. I'd love to go. Um, I don't drink, though. Maybe we could just have dinner?

Elliot: Ah, I see. Dinner sounds good as well. I'll invite my friend, Leah. Have you met her?

Ellie: Leah? Let me think. Not yet, maybe?

Elliot: Splendid! I believe you two would get along swimmingly, just as we did.

With that, Ellie waved goodbye to Elliott and proceeded to the beach.

The breeze welcomed him when he emerged from the brushery. It felt so good on his skin. Leaving the city behind wasn't a bad idea after all. He could get used to this.

He noticed a shack and a small port and tried to check it out. The boards creaked as he walked on them but they looked quite sturdy, still. The shack was apparently a fishing supplies shop. He knocked and opened the door.

Ellie: Good afternoon!

Willy: Hello there, lassy. How can I help ya?

The old man behind the counter looked so kind, he reminded Ellie of his father. The ache started to creep up on her again, but he brushed it off.

Ellie: Hello, Sir. I'm the new farmer over at Kipling. My name's Elliot. It's nice to meet you.

Willy gave him a warm smile.

Willy: A new farmer, eh? That's great news! She'd been neglected for quite some time now that yer grandpappy's gone, may Yoba bless 'im. Say, you got any knack for fishin'?

Got any knack for fishing? Fishing is one of Ellie's most favorite pastimes. Albeit virtually, of course.

Ellie, bashfully: Um, this is quite embarassing but I only ever "fished" in video games. There's not a lot of fishing places in the city...

Willy: Ah, lassy, yer in luck then! Here in them countryside, there's always a place to fish. If yer not sure how to handle a pole, I could very well teach ya. Here, lemme lend ya one.

Willy fishes out a sturdy fishing pole from behind the counter. Sure, it wasn't the best but it did the job.

Ellie: Oh, thank you, Sir. I will return it in tip-top shape.

Willy: Nah, lass. That's yers now. And you best be callin' me Willy instead of that Sir ya got goin' on.

How kind...

Ellie: Yeah, haha. Sorry about that, Willy.

Willy: It's no trouble. Alright, how 'bout we get yer sea legs on?

Ellie and Willy spent a few hours in the afternoon fishing. Ellie got the ropes in no time. Apparently, the virtual fishing hobby proved to be useful even quite a bit. At around 2 pm, they had caught a bunch.

Willy cooked some of the fish and he and Ellie had lunch together by the sea.

Willy: Well I haven't had fun like this in quite a while. Thank you.

Ellie: Thank you, as well, Willy. I promise I'll keep on practicing.

Willy: Aye, that's the spirit, alright.

At around 5 pm, Ellie said goodbye to Willy and went home.

He cleaned the farm a bit and planted the parsnip seeds he bought from Pierre and prepared to settle in for the night.

Just as Ellie's eyes were closing, he remembered his dinner with Elliott and Leah.

Elliot: OHHHHH SHOOT.

He checked the time: 8:15 pm. He put on a nice outfit then ran toward the saloon, hoping he wasn't too late for dinner.

--------------------

Author's note:

Sebastian was listening to Shut Me Up by Mindless Self Indulgence

[quietwingsinthesky]

“He doesn’t belong to you,” Lucifer says from over Sam’s shoulder. It’s telling that Sam doesn’t even flinch anymore. He glances down at his hand and sighs.

It doesn’t matter if he talks to Lucifer or not. They’re at a stalemate. Sam can’t send him away. Lucifer can’t kill him. The closest Sam has ever come to victory over the devil is compromise that keeps him close. But Lucifer sounds angry, now.

“What doesn’t belong to me?” Sam asks. He’s tired. He was feeling much better earlier, but there was the whole mess with the real life Wicked Witch. He feels like he might collapse. Maybe Dean’s right. Maybe he really isn’t ready to hunt. He keeps passing out, forgetting things… At least Dean keeps his head on straight, eyes on everything Sam misses.

“Shut up, Sam,” Lucifer says, condescending to him with affection. “And you. Stop playing with my toys, little brother.”

No one answers Lucifer. Sam, reluctantly, turns his head to face him. Lucifer’s glaring a hole into his skull, like he wants to reach inside and pull things out chunk by chunk. The air in Sam’s lungs comes out in a rush. Lucifer looks through him, as though Sam is the illusion. “Get. Out,” he snaps.

Sam blinks and-

“He never said yes to you. He doesn’t even know your-” Lucifer is enraged now, and Sam’s sitting differently than he was a moment ago, and his mouth feels dry. Lucifer’s gaze, sharp as ever, falls onto him, but when he sees Sam trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down, it softens. “I’m not yelling at you. Sam. You haven’t done anything to deserve that right now.” Cloying again, protective. “You wouldn’t have let anything in while I’m away if you had the choice. No one else would ever make you whole like I do, and you know that.”

“You’re doing this,” Sam accuses. The weakness from the trials might have given Lucifer an upper hand in this mental war. All of the things Sam has noticed, they’re his doing. He should tell Dean. (Can he tell Dean? What if he tries and he forgets again? What if he thinks he’s saying one thing and Lucifer makes him say another?) Lucifer looks insulted.

“No. Listen to yourself, Sam. You’re smarter than this. If it was me, you would know.” Lucifer reaches out a hand as though he can touch Sam’s cheek. Even knowing he can’t, Sam pushes his chair back.

Lucifer glares again, cuts through him. It’s easy to tell which he’s-

“-broke him in for my comfort, not yours,” Lucifer is snapping at him again. Sam’s head pounds. “Tell him, Sam. You belong to me.”

“What?” He can’t focus. He feels nauseous, jumping back and forth between Lucifer’s tirades.

“Whose vessel are you, Sam?”

Without thinking, Sam answers, “Yours.” He just wants Lucifer to be quiet. He can’t hear himself think. Lucifer stills, a pleased expression crossing his face-

It’s a scowl, and Lucifer looks like he wants to rip Sam to shreds. “Nothing you do will ever erase my claim on him. I worked him over too well.”

“Shut up!” Sam shouts. A moment later, he regrets it, his voice echoes down the Bunker’s halls. It doesn’t work anyway.

“I took him when he was shattered across the floor of the Cage and remade him into something beautiful.” Sam shakes his head. It makes his nausea worse, a sea too big to fit sloshing inside his skull. His skin feels too tight over his bones. Why is there so much inside him? It doesn’t fit right, it’s poking into his organs, stitching him together wrong. He’s going to throw up.

“He can throw you out whenever he wants. Do you understand that? You’re an intruder. He never wanted you like he wanted me.”

“Who are you talking to?” Sam demands. He thinks he’s still shouting, but there’s a roar in his ears. It sounds angry. He can still hear Lucifer perfectly, no matter how loud it gets.

“The angel you said yes to. His name is-”

Sam is sitting alone. Lucifer is absent for once, and Sam can work without the devil on his shoulder commenting. His stomach turns for some reason. He can’t help the horrible, incessant feeling that he’s forgotten something important.

But there’s nothing there.

s9 hallucifer who keeps telling Sam that he’s possessed, that there’s someone else in his body, that the time he’s missing is another being taking control of him, and Sam doesn’t believe him.

[luminnara]

Breeding | alpha!bakugou x omega!reader 18+ ONLY

Summary: deep down, all katsuki wants is to be a father. He’ll never admit it, though.

Just a short lil somethin somethin I wanted to get out of my system!

18+ ONLY AND I MEAN IT

Warnings: smut, pregnancy, knotting, a/b/o, heat/rut

Your heats were always strong enough to kick Katsuki into a rut the second he smelled the change in your pheromones.

You had stopped taking any kind of heat suppressants when you met him, partially because you hated that they tended to make you nauseous and partially because he got grumpy whenever you brought them up. It hurt his ego a little, you figured; after all, Katsuki was about as alpha as they came, with ruts that were so wild and explosive they were practically legendary. He was a big, tough, desirable alpha, the number two pro hero, and despite what seemed like an entire fan base of omegas throwing themselves at his feet, he had chosen you.

You weren’t a hero, or even a sidekick. Your quirk didn’t really lend itself to big, valiant acts of heroism, so you had just foregone that route and chosen a much different career for yourself instead:

Fashion.

That’s actually how you had met Katsuki. You worked for his mother as an assistant, listening to her go on and on about her pro-hero son every day. At first, you just nodded and smiled, going along with whatever your boss said, but as time passed, you started to get...almost invested. You looked forward to listening to her gush about him, and whenever she managed to convince him (against his will, apparently) to grab lunch with her, she would come back carrying faint, lingering scents of campfire and marshmallows, and as time passed, she began to notice the way you tried to drink it in. 

Then, one thing led to another, and Mitsuki was introducing the two of you. The rest was history. 

Now, you had been a mated pair for quite some time, living together in a nice penthouse thanks to Katsuki’s hefty checks from his hero work. You spent most of your free time together, frequently hosting friends and enjoying their company. You had grown used to the boisterous pros your alpha hung out with, and you enjoyed having the likes of Kirishima and Kaminari around. 

Except when you were in heat, of course, and Katsuki made sure that you were completely hidden from the world, that you were his and his alone. He was possessive under normal circumstances, but with a mating cycle involved? Oh, he was incessant. 

“Who d’you belong to, baby?” he cooed in your ear as he rubbed himself against your slick entrance. 

“Y-you, alpha,” you breathed out, voice hitching. Sweat was plastering your hair to your face, your skin feverish as you whined and begged for him. 

You’d been like that all day. You had known your heat was coming up, of course, but not just because of the usual symptoms like nesting and cramps; no, you always knew exactly when you were due to begin thanks to Katsuki. He was better at keeping track than you were, going so far as to mark it on the calendar so he’d know when to take time off from hero work. 

At first, you’d told him it was fine. He didn’t need to stay so on top of things, and he definitely didn’t need to push his work aside for you. But Katsuki wouldn’t even entertain the thought of leaving you home alone to deal with your heats, and ever since you had first gotten together, he spent every single one taking care of you. He’d fuck you senseless, of course, but he also loved bringing you food and water, determined to keep you from accidentally starving yourself, and he always helped you bathe when you eventually got tired enough to take a break from his dick. 

It was incredibly domestic of him, and you were grateful to have such an attentive alpha around...because, after all, when you were in heat, there was really only one thing you could think about. 

“Alpha,” you whined, gripping the sheets. “P-please, alpha, please...”

“Want my cock?” he teased, nudging the head inside. You were dripping wet, slick running down your thighs, and as he felt how hot your pussy was, he let out a low groan. “Fuck, kitten, not gonna last long in you...”

“D-Don’t care,” you moaned, desperate to feel him stretching you. “J-Just want your cock, alpha, please...”

Well, who was he to deny you, especially when you asked so sweetly?

He rolled his hips forward, pushing into your hot core and immediately moaning. “Fuck...”

You took him so well. You always did. It was like you were made for him. 

As he thrusted in and out of you, Katsuki lowered his head, sinking his teeth into your shoulder. Taking you from behind was his favorite way to fuck, but if he kept looking at the way your ass bounced when he pounded into you, he knew he would lose it. He wanted to make you cum at least a couple times before he filled you up, but at the rate things were going, that wasn’t going to take very long. 

Whenever you were in heat, orgasms seemed to wash over you whenever your alpha was fucking you. Just the feeling of his cock ramming into you was enough to have you crying his name, more slick gushing down your thighs. There was nothing you loved more than the feeling of your alpha, and Katsuki was a very, very good alpha. 

“That’s it,” he said, breath hot against your skin. “Gimme another, baby, cum on this cock...”

He reached down, his calloused fingers finding your clit. The moment he touched it, you let out a loud whine, your pussy squeezing around him desperately. 

It was going to drive him mad. 

“T-Tell Alpha what you want,” he managed to choke out, trying to focus. 

“Fill me up,” you moaned, clawing at the sheets. “Breed me, please...want your pups...”

The thought was just too much. Katsuki lost himself, grabbing your hips roughly as his knot began to swell. Picturing you growing round with his pups, your tits heavy with milk...fuck, he just wanted to fill you up over and over again and never let you go.

So that’s what he did. 

A few weeks later, you were pacing around the apartment, nervous as all hell as you chewed your nails. It was a bad habit you had been trying to kick, but right now, you didn’t care; Katsuki would be getting home any minute, and you weren’t sure if you were petrified or ecstatic to tell him the news. 

When you heard the door open and his scent came wafting in, you nearly jumped out of your skin. 

“Hey, babe,” your mate called lazily, kicking the door shut like always before shucking his boots off. 

“H-Hey,” you squeaked, standing in the kitchen doorway. 

At the sound of your tiny voice, he froze, nostrils flaring as he took in your anxious scent. “What’s wrong?”

“I...uh....” you gulped, looking at the floor. You were too scared to make eye contact, even with the man you loved so much. 

“Babe?” he asked, approaching you. His normally rough voice was softer now, red eyes full of concern. 

“Remember my last heat?” you asked, daring to glance up at him. Fuck, he was so big...you were starting to understand why other alphas were so scared of him. 

“Course.” he chuckled. “How could I forget? You were so fuckin’ wet, baby...”

“Y-yeah, well...um...” you turned, heading for the kitchen counter. You didn’t know how to use your words anymore. Maybe showing him would be easier. 

Katsuki followed at your heels, reaching for your wrist. He managed to catch you, but not before you grabbed something and spun back around to face him, the item hidden behind your back. 

“You have to promise not to be mad.” you said, voice wavering slightly. 

“I’m never mad at you, babe.” he growled. “But you’d better fuckin’ show me what you’re hiding.”

Nodding quickly, you squeezed your eyes shut and held your hand out towards him. 

When you didn’t hear anything, you peeked up at him. 

He was staring, his eyes wide. His gaze was focused on the pregnancy test in your hand, chest rising and falling with every breath. 

You immediately panicked. 

“I-I’m sorry!” you blurted, backing up until you hit the counter. “I-I didn’t expect this to happen, it never has before, I don’t know what--”

“Omega.” he interrupted, chest vibrating with a loud purr. “Is that test positive?”

You nodded, tears springing to your eyes. 

Then, the widest smile you’d ever seen lit up his face, and he was sweeping you off your feet. 

“You’re pregnant?” he asked, spinning you around. 

“Y-yes,” you answered, chest still tight with anxiety. 

“Finally.” he set you back down on your feet, his arms still tight around you. “Been waitin’ so long...”

“Wh-what?” you asked, wiping at your tears. “You’re not mad?”

“Mad?” he scoffed. “Why the fuck would I be mad? I’ve always wanted pups with you. Just didn’t know if you were ready or not.”

“Oh.” you let out a laugh as your chest finally loosened up a bit. “I guess I am...”

“Hey.” he leaned his forehead against yours, that purr still rumbling in his chest. “I’m gonna take care of you. You’re mine forever, ‘n don’t you fuckin’ forget that.”

[animeyanderelover]

Please request only one person if you want a prompt. I know that I wrote in the past for more than one character but I can write with more ease when it comes to fluid writing when I can focus on only one character. I don't know why that is though, I guess otherwise I feel too drained afterwards.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, manipulation, clinginess, gaslighting, abduction

Prompt 28: “I need you more than I need air to breathe.”

You wanted to cease to exist or die right in that moment, tears silently dripping down your cheeks despite your best attempts to bite them back. The abhorred and terrifying closeness between you and him had you wishing to be swallowed by Mother Earth and feeling his cold hands and his sharp nails on your neck, arms and back had your insides recoil with disgust and horror.

It was sheer fear that kept you seated obediently on his lap, hands folded awkwardly and eyes glued on them. His touch was unbearable enough, his gaze would only give you the rest. You despised those plum red eyes, all high and mighty, judging you and examining you.

You loathed those eyes because you couldn’t recognize any emotion that could have made the monster he was in front of you even the slightest bit more human. Muzan was cold-blooded, narcissistic and menacing and the pure gleam of obsession and possessiveness whenever you locked eyes with him was enough to make you feel nauseous.

Even this rather lovely gesture right now was eerie and frightening you to your bones. It was toxic because of the fondness he was currently expressing, keeping you placed on his lap, caressing your body and even going through the troubles of wiping away your tears every now and then.

You could even hear him taking calm and deep breaths to savor your scent and could feel the exhaled air tickling your skin, a contrast to your own suppressed sniffles and sobs.

You didn’t dare to relax and lower your guard, not when this man was Kibutsuji Muzan. You never had felt more out of place either. Thrown into a world full of demons with the king of them keeping you in here for himself, for reasons unknown to you still.

In moments of coldness he was implanting fear into your heart, snarling at you in his monotone voice that you should be grateful that he even spared your life and took you in. In moments where he seemed to lower his guard and became more intimate and open with you, he claimed to love you, expressed a desire to protect you yet in his eyes you had only ever seen an infatuated obsession and the greed to own you.

You stifled when one of his thumbs slid right over the pulse on your neck, the fear to be pierced by his claws embedded in your soul.

“I’m not going to hurt you, darling. Right now you don’t have to be afraid.”

That nickname made you want to cringe away though you refrained yourself from doing so, fearing to anger him in the process. It was probably still better than being labeled as a “feeble human”.

"You fascinate me. Somehow I need you more than I need air to breathe."

The moment he forced you to meet his eyes, you felt sick to the core. You hated that look in his eyes that saw you more as a priced possession than a living being, something to own.

"I wonder what else you'll surprise me with."

[thornedrose44]

supercorp prompt: kara gravely injured, lena at her bedside waiting for her to recover, leading to soft confessions

“It was always you. Always. Even when… even when I burnt everything to the ground. Even when I stood and cried in the ashes, wishing to burn it all down again. It was you.” Lena inhaled shakily, lifting Kara’s limp hand to her lips and placing the softest of kisses to the cool skin that used to radiate ridiculous warmth.

“I felt it from the moment you walked into my office, trying to shift back into Clark’s… Superman’s shadow. But you were never meant for anyone’s shadow. Never meant for darkness and hidden away places. You shine. Did you know that? That was my first thought when I saw you. That you were brighter than the sun. That you glowed.

“My heart skipped a beat when I saw those… baby blues of yours. Later on… when I knew… I always wondered if you heard it. Did you think it was just nerves? A flicker of a lie? It was you. I felt so seen in your gaze. I always feel seen in your gaze. And the thought that I might never… that I may one day have to go without that… without you.”

Her voice cracked, splintering like her heart had when Supergirl fell to the ground and didn’t get back up again.

“It’s tearing me apart. I don’t know what kryptonite feels like and I know you would never want me to know but I wonder if it feels like this. Draining, destructive… I feel so helpless, nauseous whenever I consider-“ Lena cut off, she wouldn’t say the word, not even hint at it, not with Kara still recovering from the precipice her life had dangled on. She wouldn’t risk it, wouldn’t entice the reaper to turn his empty sockets to their sanctuary. “I feel like… someone cut my heart out of my chest and left the wound open and raw. Rubbed salt into it and keeps cutting back in whenever it considers healing. It will heal. It is healing… with every continued breath you take, every beat of your heart… it’s healing as you heal. Intrinsically linked.” Lena chuckled hollowly to herself as she defined their melded hurts. “Quantum entanglement.

“You hurt l, I hurt. I get it now…” Lena revealed softly, eyes focusing on the rhythmic way Kara’s chest rose and fell with the ebb and flow of life. “Why you didn’t tell me… you knew it would hurt, truly, deeply hurt. The sheer enormity of it would create a negative feedback loop between us so overwhelming that… all that would be left is ashes…” Lena wiped an inconspicuous tear that had managed to escape off her own cheek. “I hurt which hurts you which hurts me and on and on and on it goes.

“It was you even when there were others. It was you when I was scared, it was you when I was happy, angry, jealous, irritated, delighted, wistful, amused… everything. It was always you. I just want you to know that. Everything I have is yours. Everything I am is yours. I know that-“

Lena bit her lip, teeth digging into the soft skin, ripping into it and staining everything with the smallest drop of crimson.

“I know that it’s not the same for you. That I’m your best friend and that… that’s all you’ll ever see me as and I’m okay with that. Genuinely because that… that position is still sacred, a blessing from the heavens. I get to bask in that… radiant glow of yours and it means everything to me. But you should know - though I will never be brave enough to say these words to you in person - that it's you. For me: it’s you.

“My port in the storm. My lantern in the night. My best friend. My love. My true love. It’s you. It’s always been you and always will be you. I love you, Kara Zor-El.”

And with that, Lena leaned forward out of her chair - still cradling Kara’s hand - and pressed her lips to the uncreased forehead.

“Lena?”

Lena didn’t jump or jerk away at the sound of Alex’s soft voice from the doorway. The redhead knew, had seen the way Lena would blossom under Kara’s light - this little tableau the youngest Luthor had created wouldn’t have taken any of the Superfriends by surprise. They were kind enough - or discreet enough - never to mention it. It was Lena’s secret.

They had carried Supergirl for Kara.

They would carry this for Lena.

Lena stepped back, carefully settling Kara’s hand by her side and tucking the blankets tenderly around her form before turning to face the older Danvers with a raised eyebrow. Alex wouldn’t interrupt unless it was important, wouldn’t even consider pulling her away from Kara unless lives were in the balance or she could assure the task was quick - Kara’s hand not losing all contact heat in the time it took for Lena to complete the task and return to her side.

“Brainy needs your help. Just a quick review of the neutraliser design to make sure it works, he doesn’t want to send us in without being certain it will do the job.”

The ‘after the alien took down Supergirl’ goes unsaid.

“Right, of course.” Lena nodded, making her way to the door, head bowed only to be stopped by a light touch to her wrist.

“Lena.” Alex murmured; it was the gentleness of her tone that made Lena stop, it was a gentleness Alex only ever gifted to Kara, Kelly and Esme. “You should tell her.”

Lena pursed her lips at that, already shaking her head without the need for clarification.

“I appreciate the advice, but I can only stand to lose your sister so much.” Lena confessed. “I’ve already gone without once and I’m not brave enough to risk going through that again.”

“But-“

“I’ve made my choice.” Lena asserted, voice firm yet kind.

“And what about her? What if it’s you for her too?” Alex questioned, brown eyes only showing the smallest slither of regret for eavesdropping.

Lena didn’t have it in her to reprimand for the trespass, Alex’s understanding of boundaries always got murky when it came to her sister - and considering everything the family had suffered, Lena could understand where that moral greyness originated from.

“I highly doubt that.” Lena replied, unable to hide how her shoulders dipped with loss at the prospect.

“But what if?” Alex pressed, hand squeezing Lena’s wrist tighter - not restricting, just reassurance of something solid and tangible to make this real and grounded.

“Then you should do everything in your power to change her mind.” Lena said bluntly. “She can do better. She deserves better.”

“No, Lena-“ Alex spluttered, jaw dropping open as the raven haired woman tugged her hand free and marched out of the room.

“Keep an eye on Kara for me until I return.” Lena ordered, not daring to turn back.