#that’s probably easier to mentally deal with than ‘sometimes my kid gets up in the middle of the night to jog up and down the street’ | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

away-ward · 1 year ago

Note

What do think the Horsemen and their women are like as parents?

Oof. Way out of my depth. I don't have a parental bone in my body. And really outside of willemmy I don't have a clue about the inner workings of these characters. But...making this up as I go...

Parenthood

I think for the most part, it would be easier to describe any of them as overly protective, or wanting their kids to have independence, ect. I'll try to stay away from the obvious.

The Fane's:

It's hard to tell because their first kid is Athos and she's 18 by the time Aaron comes along, so they probably raised them very differently. One thing is for sure though.

They are going to absolutely BABY Aaron.

Michael has high standards and expects his authority to be respected but will (proudly) hear Athos out when she wants to argue her point. He wants her to be smart and independent, striving to accomplish her goals. He'd considerate it a personal failing if he asked his kids "what do you want to do with your life/what do you want to accomplish/what is your goal?" and they responded "I don't know." He wants them to be mentally strong and determined in pursuit of what they want. He has a low tolerance for emotional outburst but thankfully Rika is there to balance that out.

Rika would want to create a warm, encouraging, supportive environment. As a parent, she want to instill a deep sense of purpose within her children, something that would guide them when she wasn't there. It would break her heart if her children ever felt lost or disconnected who they are. They should know who they are and what they value, even if it ends up being different from her and Michael. She'd encourage Athos and Aaron to speak their minds and cherish their unique personalities. She's more flexible in her role than Michael, and might let them get away with more just because she thinks it's fun.

The Mori's:

Mads is a curve ball for sure, but I think once Kai comes to understand and settle with his peculiar ways, it'll be fine. Jett, I think, is more chill and the easier of the two to parent, which Kai and Banks are thankful for. They train their kids in endurance and restraint, but of course letting them know there's a time for control and a time to let go.

Kai would want to give his children the same stable and comfortable foundation that he had. He'd be gentle but firm in guiding and discipline. He'd expect their respect at all times. There's no yelling or arguing in the Mori household; any disagreements are managed with a calm discussion followed by a reasonable punishment that matches the wrong, if one is required. Punishment isn't meant to hurt; it's always made clear the lesson that he wants them to learn, and it would end when he felt they'd learn it, no matter if it were half-an-hour or a week. Unlike his own father, he tries not to put heavy expectations on them. At the same time, he'd want to make sure they were ready for the world ahead of them and any sign that they weren't would unsettle him.

Banks, for all her worrying over being ready, is actually pretty comfortable as a parent. Along with Kai, she wants a structured environment most of the time, with clearly defined roles and expectations. She leads by example and doesn't expect her kids to do anything she wouldn't. This means, of course, that they contribute to the household chores such as keeping their own rooms clean, doing their own laundry when they get older, dishes and cooking when they're ready. She considers knowledge of these things to be standard and necessary for a successful life. She can be a bit stubborn when her kids start to develop ideas that conflict with the family's as they get older. Still, she finds it easier than Kai to deal with them testing their boundaries and putting up walls as they seek their independence. As hard a lesson as it was, she learned through Mads that sometimes, just letting a kid be is what they need. But she'll always be there when they ask for her, no matter how small the issue.

The Torrance's:

Damon gives his children complete freedom to do whatever they want. He doesn't deny them any opportunity to explore or experience the world at large. Nothing would piss him off more than his children not using their lives and freedom to the fullest extent. But even he has limits, and the expects his kids to not push them. He's given them a lot of space to roam, but don't go pass the fence, so to speak. Or, if they do, they should at least know how to conceal it. He encourages their creativity and spontaneity, often joining in with them if he can, but he isn't pushy about it. As they grow, his kids will trust Damon to be level-headed if (cough-when-cough) they get into trouble. And as a warning, don't look sideways at his kids unless you want him to be looking directly at you. He knows they're loud. Deal with it. But it's not all fun and adventure. At times, Damon may struggle with with the more emotional side of parenting and will leave that Winter if he thinks he's going to do or say something that will mess them up.

Winter enjoys motherhood. More than just having a house full the sounds of family, she's naturally warm and relaxed as a parent. She usually feel confident and capable when it comes to her kids. Not that motherhood is easy, but I think of all the girls, it comes easiest to her naturally. Being an artist, she's always thinking of something new and exciting for her kids to do. Since they are so...energetic...it has to be something hands-on. She'd be understanding when her kids make mistakes. Her first priority is making sure they're okay, then figuring out what happened, and then correction if needed. She's open-minded enough to let her children take risks (some that maybe even the others parents would hesitate with), but she expects them to own up to it when they do wrong. And because she's proven herself to be understanding and warm, they usually do without much resistance. People think that because the Torrance children are wild, they don't respect Winter or that she has no control over them, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

The Grayson's:

maybe it's my personal opinion and soft spot for willemmy, but they are the most normal parents???? Or maybe it's just because they have the most average American family: three kids and a dog.

Will is the fun-dad. The "you're dad is so cooooooool" dad. (It's music to his ears every time one of his kid's friends say "I wish I had your dad." He looks over to Emory with a little wink and a smile, and she always rolls her eyes. "yeah, because impressing an 11 year old is sooo hard.") Like Damon, Will wants his kids to explore and experience everything. Unlike Damon, he wants to be there for every second of it, not as an overbearing parent but as a friend. He's just as hyped to do stuff as his kids are. Will has few rules when it comes to his kids branching out into the world. Hearing his them say, "I don't know what to do" isn't a failing or a flaw. It's because there's so many possibilities, and he's just as excited to explore those possibilities with them. But when disappointments come - because it always does - Will is uniquely qualified out of all of the Horsemen to help them deal with it. He's sensitive to emotions and understanding the ways of the heart, which he uses to help his kids get over setbacks and rise to the next challenge. Will would be happy with his kids doing anything. All he expects from them is to be kind most of all, no matter what they do in life. And while he doesn't enjoy the idea of disciplining them (often giving Em puppy eyes when it comes to that part of the job), he'll follow through because he knows they need it to develop into good people. Not rule-following people, but good. He makes sure they know there's a difference.

Emory encourages her kids independent thinking skills. Because of her and Will's natural curiosity, and fostering that quality in their children, her children ask a lot of questions. She'll always answer in an age appropriate way. Emory doesn't want to hide things from them because "they're too young" or "they won't understand", even if the topic is difficult. Because of this, her kids feel comfortable speaking around her, asking for help, or maybe sharing something embarrassing. Emory loves showing her kids physical affection - holding them everyday and showering them with praise so they never doubt they are loved. But for her, this is more of a private activity. In public, her words will be supportive and proud. She doesn't place a lot of importance on what she considers meaningless rules (hence, Indie dying her hair blue), so she makes sure the ones she does provide have good reasoning. Unfortunately, because of Will's resistance to discipline, it leaves her to the be strong one. Which is fine, for the most part. She knows that kids need guidance to be responsible adults, and she wants nothing more for them to be self-reliant and capable. So if that means a grounding here or there so her kids understand when to push the boundaries and when to fall in line, she can do that without problem, but that's the extent of her punishments.

Overall, these are people who are completely devoted to their children. They truly encompass the "it takes a village" saying. Where one of them as a failing, another picks up the slack. This means, as crazy and unusual as the kids appear, they're actually really well-developed, strong-willed, and confident in their skills and each other.

pic link

Thanks for the ask. Let me know your fun HCs!!

#asked and answered #devil's night series #the horsemen of devil's night #the women of devil's night #michael crist #rika fane #kai mori #nikova banks #damon torrance #winter ashby #will grayson iii #emory scott #i also wanted to add catch emory playing with her son's legos long after he went to bed. she's building a city #asked and answered 30 #parents #parenthood #ko's headcanons

24 notes · View notes

valenteal · 8 months ago

Text

Fun fact about me: I am a rare breed of theater nerd who doesn’t like musicals.

I find that while they do a great job showcasing the actor’s musical talents and dancing abilities musicals tend to leave storytelling and character depth by the wayside. Everything becomes a Production not just in that it is a thing that has been produced but in that it’s all over the top and kinda shallow. As a writer I think the medium of storytelling is extremely delicate, and while musicals can have good storytelling it’s very easy to get caught in the many pitfalls. Weather it’s overuse of musical numbers, formulaic songs that all sound the same, or neglecting proper character development or forgetting to showcase it with normal non-musical conversations, there are a lot of ways to go wrong with a musical.

Now, sometimes it’s done well, and people are going to hate me for this, but Disney has a pretty good track record with making musicals. And I mean Disney, not Disney channel. Encanto was flawless. I love the live action remakes of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. But that isn’t musical theater. That’s movies. The medium is easier to work with for deeper storytelling. Stage performances have the constraints of limited space and a fixed audience who can’t see them up close. But that doesn’t mean you give up on good storytelling! It means you work to overcome those obstacles with talented and dedicated people! You can make a truly moving production on a stage but modern musical theatre just… doesn’t.

For me, a great example of this is Heathers the musical. I watched it back to back with the movie (and I plan on reading the book at some point though I’ve yet to do so) and I was able to really pin down what I dislike about musicals with that comparison. Heathers is a deep story that touches on the very real and very dark truths of being an American teenager and going to public school. It’s a story about imperfect teens who are all under pressure and who all have their own reasons. The characters are realistic and relatable, and anyone who’s been to public high school can probably recognize themselves or people they know in the characters. It tackles the very real issues of teen violence and the mental health crisis that our country is facing. The musical failed to capture any of that. The whole thing was weirdly sanitized and all the characters were turned into caricatures (wow that’s hard to spell). Heathers the musical was not deep or moving and it didn’t take itself half as seriously as it should’ve. The topics it was dealing with were too serious and close to home for them to make light of it. It’s dark. It’s heavy. The characters are kids who made mistakes, were victims of circumstance and none of them deserved to be vilified or victimized. But the musical took all of their depth away and made the whole thing more detached from reality and less serious than it is. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of storytelling, but at least write your own story instead of taking someone else’s and twisting it to suit your needs.

While Heathers is a very specific example it made some general mistakes common in musical theatre. The music itself, while catchy, is fairly unoriginal and simplistic. I don’t mean lyrically, that’s very original, though in my opinion distasteful. Meaningful conversations that showcase character depth were replaced with song and dance routines that failed to convey the same meaning. I found it to be pretty tedious in all honesty, the songs were so repetitive and they didn’t even move the story forward all that quickly, just got stuck in one moment way longer than necessary and sacrificed valuable time that could be used for real dialogue.

Anyway, that’s my informal essay on why musicals are an inferior form of storytelling, with only one example for evidence since this is just me doing this for fun and I am not going to subject myself to more musicals for no reason.

#musicals #musical theatre #essay #informal essay #critique #storytelling analysis #heathers #heathers the musical #heathers the movie #analysis #shower thoughts #as in I literally wrote this in the shower and had to get it down before I even got my coffee #i was possessed by the essay spirit at 5:30 am

6 notes · View notes

thessalian · 2 years ago

Text

Thess vs Understimulation

One of the more annoying things about getting to know myself better is realising how badly I react to being understimulated. I mean, I’ve always known on some level that I need to be Doing Things, but a lot of times that’s been my desperate attempts to get my head out of the bad place on a far more literal, clinical depression level. Accepting that it’s just probably an ADHD thing is at once liberating and annoying, because it means my brain’s just Like That.

I guess the good thing about self-reflection is that at least it means I know what to do when problems arise as a result. Like, take last night, for instance. It was late, I was tired, I was incredibly hacked off with basically everything, I was stressed to the absolute hilt, and the “try putting food in you; it might help” thing had not worked. I knew that just trying to go to bed would not work. So I played a bit of Dragon Age: Inquisition instead, because Power Wash Simulator and A Little To The Left hadn’t been enough. Apparently I needed something ... at least a bit more than that.

So, understimulation - getting cranky and unreasonable without anything to do. Honestly, I should have figured this one out a long time ago. It’s been a thing since I was a kid. I guess I didn’t largely because it wasn’t a thing that was known about in the mental health sphere (hell, when I was a kid there barely was a mental health sphere of the type we know today) and everything about how I grew up was pretty much geared away from dealing with understimulation to any great degree. Like, I would have done way better with homework had I been able to do it in front of the TV - hell, I did do better with homework when I was doing it with music playing, but it wasn’t quite the same - but my mother was dead set against it and even if she worked late (which was often), I didn’t want to run the risk of her coming home to find me doing my homework in front of the TV and yelling at me. She only barely accepted the music; that was the one compromise we could make. Not sure how I got that one, because when I was younger still, before I could be home on my own, I was having to do homework in an empty office at my mother’s workplace, and there weren’t a lot of opportunities to have music or anything else in an office about half-full of people having to work really late. As for my after-school programme ... there was time set aside for homework but again, not stimulating enough, couldn’t focus.

I guess I figured out somewhere along the line that doing something sufficiently stimulating could make me feel better, because at the worst times of my life, I was grabbing for anything that would help even a little, because the alternative was just not being, and I guess at least some part of me wasn’t ready for that. Which is good, because I would have missed out on a lot if my life had ended back then. Still, I guess that level of desperate clawing doesn’t really give room for a lot of self-reflection, or even looking at exactly how it was helping. Thus I couldn’t necessarily bring it up in therapy afterwards.

Instead, I look at how I live my life now. There’s always something. Of course, there used to be more somethings before the fibromyalgia, and that’s probably why I’m in a less-good place now; some of the things I’d do to help that feeling just make things worse on a different level. I’m struggling to find the balance between “I need to do something stimulating or my head is going to eat itself” and “I have to be careful about my activity level or I won’t be able to do anything for a week”. It’s easier in spring and summer; the weather’s a little better, so I can generally get out a bit more, and I have the gardening. But of course there’s the issue of sometimes the spring not coming as soon as it should because climate change and general meteorological fuckery, which is where I am at the moment. I am itching to plant things but we’re looking at cold snaps and while some of my plants are surviving, seedlings probably wouldn’t. So that’s gardening off the agenda until things improve - or at least until it stops dropping to freezing every night. Obviously there’s been the cooking and associated blog, but on bad pain days, there’s not much to do with that one. (I have plans towards a chicken broccoli pasta bake but it’s been a bad few days and that’s effort I’m struggling to make.) And then there’s video games, which are great but expensive to get new ones and even when the money’s available, I have to curate really carefully to find ones I can play. First-person perspective games still give me migraines unless I’m really careful (I can do things like House Flipper and Fresh Start and Power Wash Simulator, but shooters and the like move too fast for me to manage and the lighting’s also generally a problem), a lot of ARGs exist to be difficult on the combat level so aren’t great for bad pain days, some are made for a controller even if they are on PC and struggling with a bad PC port just fills me with dread, and there are only so many community building sims etc I can play before I’m jonesing for an actual story. The indie market has been my friend, but since people keep insisting that the single-player RPG is somehow dead, even though it REALLY ISN’T, I feel like I’m being pushed out of the entire hobby by my own disability most of the time.

TV’s never been enough. It’s too passive. Part of why I barely watch anymore. I’ll pick up a few things, if I’m interested enough, but mostly I have enough stories in my own head that I’m not going to just sit and passively intake others. I don’t know why books are so different ... except maybe because it means my imagination has to work overtime. That’s probably it. It’s not so much my body that needs to be active (which is probably a good thing because it can’t be anymore, particularly); it’s my brain.

Which, honestly, my brain is garbage and I want a new one. Maybe one that doesn’t automatically set my pain response to “everything hurts” and shuts up once in awhile.

Eh well. Right now I’m going to try to kill this headache (combination stress headache and sinuses; the barometric pressure’s being a bitch today) and deal with combat maps. Hopefull if I do both those things, I’ll have some input into my garbage brain in the form of people I like, and some D&D shenanigans. If not, at least there’s D&D shenanigans tomorrow. ...Honestly, as much as I dislike the commute, at least it got me more brain input. Maybe I should at least try a museum visit during my week off this week. That’s if Tuesday’s phone appointment with the GP doesn’t get me a whole different form of brain input via more invasive tests about the coeliac thing. I’ve typed up enough macros for various biopsies of the gastrointestinal system and seen how many of them had “? coeliac” in the Clinical Details section to be unaware of what’s probably coming next. Hope it goes better than the endoscopy they tried to do on me some years ago. Apparently the sedation didn’t put me under far enough and I still resisted having a camera shoved down my throat to the point where my airway closed along with my oesophagus when they tried. I’m going to love having to explain that to a gastroenterologist...

#Thess has issues #Thess probably has undiagnosed ADHD

3 notes · View notes

bluethistle · 4 months ago

Text

Conversations

I see him around town a lot now that I've moved back. It was weird. When we moved away there would be days, even weeks where he wouldn't even cross my mind but now that I'm back, it's a daily occurrence. I can't drive around town without some reminder of him being shoved in my face. I can't go to the gym without seeing him and his new girlfriend. I can't go a single day without worrying if I'm going to see him at the grocery store or at the park where I walk my dog. Why is this panic still happening? It's been almost 5 years since we were together but everyday it's like it was just a couple months ago. Why can't I just be cured of this? I see him and it's a mixture of remembering everything bad that happened clouded by the good my brain puts to the forefront. He and I weren't good together, I wasn't kind to him and he pushed me too hard so why does my brain miss his company and familiarity? What the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I'm crazy and it's exhausting. I guess there was a lot that just went unsaid that I wish I could get off my chest to his face. I'd honestly love to go lunch or something with him and just talk but that will never happen. So here's a list of things I wish I could say that I can't so I'm just writing it here.

1. I'm sorry I was so mean to you. I was 17 and I didn't understand my unkindness. I was rereading some things I wrote to you and I'm so sorry I put you through that type of confusion. I wish I could apologize because I blamed you for everything that went wrong, but that was wrong. I was wrong. I was stupid and I'm really sorry about that. I never thought about how that would feel to be you because in the hurt, it was easier to make you the villain. That was so selfish of me. I've got a lot of regrets of how I treated you in the end.

2. I honestly do miss you some days even though it's been a long time. You really were my best friend for almost 3 years while I was still growing up and then you were gone and I shoved you away. There were a lot of plans and promises made between you and me. You brought security and understanding to a pretty stressed-out kid. We had fun together and did a lot of things we probably shouldn't have. I see you and it all comes back to me and it's exhausting to try and mentally block it all.

3. Sometimes it's easier for me to wish you unhappiness. I think you're happy, at least you seem to be. But the selfish part of me doesn't want you to be, just like I imagine, deep down you don't want me to be, despite what you say. I am happy with where I'm at and I don't think I'd be happy with you but I still wonder I guess.

4. I still don't know if what happened between us was completely wrong or if I'm just making things up. You did a lot of things to me that I don't think you should have but was it as bad as my brain tells me it was? I don't know if there was actual abuse and manipulation or if I'm just confused about those words' definitions. When I see you, it still elicits a fight or flight response and that makes me wonder if you and I were more screwed up than I can remember. Or if it's just me being dramatic? I would love for someone to just tell me what the hell is wrong with me. Do you get that type of response when you see me?

5. I wish I could move away again so I'd never have to see you again because seeing you around all the time really sucks. It makes it hard for me to get over it all. Does any of this happen to you or am I just losing my mind?

6. I don't hate you just so you know. Like truly, I don't. And I hope you don't hate me anymore even though what I did was so nasty. I genuinely do wish I could talk to you one more time where we lay it all out and clear the air of all the things we let go unsaid. Mainly all the things I let go unsaid. But I'm terrified it's just me who's dealing with all this inner turmoil and anxiety and I don't know why it's happening all of a sudden. I went years without feeling this and now it's back and it's overwhelming and frustrating.

7. I just want to know if after you see me, you still think about me and wonder what could've happened or how I'm doing, or what I'm up to, or what's changed. Or maybe you don't feel anything at all. I couldn't blame you if you didn't.

I straight up felt like a psychopath writing this all down but I'm so frustrated and confused and I just needed to get it out of my head.

0 notes

sunnist4rs · 5 months ago

Text

Intro Post

Hiya, welcome to my blog!! You can call me Sunni, that’s not my real name but I know people can get pretty crazy when it comes to politics so I’m not comfy using my main username for this blog right now. I’m a teenager so I’m still working out where I stand morally and politically so keep in mind that my views can and will change frequently.

I grew up in Australia until recently when I moved to Spain however my family and I have been planning/preparing our whole lives to live here. I identify as Hispanic as I am pretty involved in the culture and community. If you believe that this label doesn’t apply to me because of my genes that’s fine, it’s your opinion but this country means a lot to me so this is how I identify.

This intro is pretty out of date (I now identify as a radfem) so please keep that in mind while reading.

Blog Purpose:

Now onto the nitty gritty stuff; this blog is for politics keep in mind since I’m not American I of course don’t know lots about their policies. But, I know on the internet the political climate is heavily influenced by what happens in that country so I try my best to understand/keep up to date with American politics, at least the basics.

My political background:

My family and I grew up huge liberals, we used to watch pride on the TV/irl every single year for as long as I can remember. However last year my mum started to become more radical feminist in here beliefs, I remember I’d defend the trans movement with all the same stupid talking points until eventually I started watching more YouTube channels like Acheeto (I was already a fan of him for a while cuz I found him really funny even though I disagreed with him).

For a while my beliefs aligned pretty well with those displayed in a Think Before You Sleep video. Now, I’m sort of torn because my mum is radfem and I naturally want to stand with her but then I’m also still an anti 4th wave feminism. So I’m not sure where I sit with that topic but in general I stand with her.

On this account I’m gonna probably gonna reblog a good amount of TERF stuff even though I’m unsure if I stand with all their opinions. I hope people from that community aren’t gonna be judgemental of me just because I’m not 100% with them right now as I do agree with a lot of what they say.

Some opinions:

The topics I am sure on my stance with are mostly facts>feelings things such as;

Obesity isn’t genetic it’s caused by an over-eating disorder, if you want to maintain a healthy weight you have to deal with the addiction, then make sure you eat healthy food and exercise (both these things are so much fun and so amazing i guarantee it’s easier than you think).

Being transexual is a mental disorder and I feel so bad that you have to deal with that. To people like Blare White, I love you. But, to the many trans people who spread misinformation and gr00m kids into transitioning instead of dealing with their insecurities/mental health issues or try deny biology to force your way into woman’s sports and spaces, I don’t like you.

DNI:

I believe in free speech (the only good thing about America istg) so there’s no DNI for this blog. Everyone is welcome just please maintain basic human decency and civil discussion when in disagreement with me or someone else here. Mudslinging and strawmanning is not civil, treat others the way you want to be treated, respect is important. If you’re rude and don’t display basic decency in debate/interactions I’ll just block you. Also keep in mind that I am a minor so NSFW accounts need to stay away for legal reasons.

Tags:

I don’t have many consistent tags on this blog but my main ones are;

#Sunni posts- for my posts

#Sunni answers- for asks

#Sunni speaks- for when I add onto someone else’s post (sometimes in the tags)

#Sunni reblogs- for when I reblog something

Fave posts:

1 note · View note

seeminglyseph · 11 months ago

Text

I’m like. Absolutely terrible at dealing with PMS, but, there’s something about getting used to knowing that, which is making it a little easier because now I’m like. “Okay, I’m starting to track the weeks now, and with my Fitbit that’s a little easier, and I can plan in advance for the mood shifts and the abrupt changes in my inflammation levels”

Though I admit I still forget how much it’s gonna affect me until it starts happening and I’m like “what the fuck is this shit why do i abruptly hurt more than i did a week ago? Also emotionally i want to die and my brain is not working properly at all” which i mean.

All of those things suck, so I think part of it is that thing where your brain forgets how bad pain is? Also since my memory and cognitive functioning just fucking nosedives every time I probably just like. Fully forget what it’s like. Because my brain is just lagging like I ran out of processing power and it’s a disaster.

But also I hated being on BC for menstrual control, and there are multiple sources that tie it with aggravating IIH, or triggering it. And so I don’t know, I don’t think I want to go back on BC. Though if I want to start having an active sex life I should definitely start looking into it, but also also I’m probably old enough and disabled enough I could get someone to tie my tubes without much fuss. I mean given that Canada is unacceptably cool with sterilization in too many situations I could probably just be like “I am not interested in passing my genetics down to another generation” and not have any doctors fight me since I’m already old enough that doctors would start having concerns. Yeah my mom had her kids at about this age but her illnesses were car related. Most of the autoimmune stuff showed up in my generation or my dad’s side of the family, or I didn’t hear about it because we moved to a different province and therefore I have like none of the family history that everyone else does.

I should maybe try and restart my Facebook since that’s where the family does social media but also that website is hell. I feel like I should try to do more social media in other places for like. Idk. Networking and communication and socialization, but also I feel like I hate that? And I don’t know the norms of those platforms at all and I’m starting way behind everyone else and it sucks. I don’t mind Reddit for the most part, though I’m not really active on it, but it has some communities that I like. But places where I’m expected to be myself is like. Hell. I like some degree of like… separation from my family and social expectations and stuff like. Probably no one here is gonna judge whether I’m presenting an acceptable enough representation of myself to the outside world of who I am.

Like this isn’t the version of me that feels like has to be business casual and not scare the normies? Idk exactly how to explain it without sounding fake but like there’s an acceptable amount of mentally ill or disabled or whatever for certain people and that’s for things that have my real name on it. And then there’s places where I can be seph who has problems with hygiene and ADHD and ASD and cPTSD and probably BPD or bipolar 2 or something and Agoraphobia and I haven’t been able to function in like 2+ years because of so many Symptoms of all the Things and it just makes people uncomfortable to have to deal with the reality of how much that affects a person and how that’s not easy to deal with or whatever. Or like the fact that people with all this shit take work and time and effort and whatnot, and are sometimes disagreeable and emotional and messy. And I don’t want to deal with people lashing out with anger because they want to be a good person, but they don’t have any patience to deal with like… the reality of caring for someone who isn’t a really convenient cute image of a damaged person they’d imagined. Like I empathize, because it is hard, but also like. I’ve dealt with it too much, too many times already and I’m kinda over it. So I dunno I’m figuring it out.

#my life

1 note · View note

vanaglorie · 11 months ago

Text

"My family home is a long trip to get there, but I have a place not far from here, it's much easier that way." Having his own room in the dorms all to himself so that he doesn't have to deal with a commute in the morning rush hours is a luxury that Byakuran happily invests in. "Ah, you're also welcome there anytime, obviously. And if you need a ride anywhere, just ask." He only really drives for the convenience of it, and most of the time it's to visit new dessert stores that open in town which can be a pain to get to by train and bus. Anyway, he doesn't mind offering a ride if it's Haru-chan! It's probably also the least he can do after all they've been through in their few shorts years together as kids.

Hm, he should probably drop by some of his favourite stores soon if they're planning a cake day already. "Ha-kkun day sounds amazing. Haru-chan is so creative~" He's already making a mental list of all the different things he wants Haru to try and review. This is obviously an event that's way, way more exciting than the first day of classes. He’s going to need a pretty big box. Oh, and drinks too, of course. A dessert wouldn't be perfect without the appropriate beverage pairing. Choosing desserts is a skill.

His ears perk up when Haru mentions her major. "Wow, physics? Makes sense, Haru-chan has always been super smart. I'm in engineering, so we might have some classes together, now that I think about it!" This is just getting better and better! If his memory serves him right, there are certain foundational courses that students in each of their majors have to take, and considering it was physics and engineering, there’s at least some overlap there. But Byakuran also gets the idea that Haru might not like the fact that he sleeps in class, or sometimes skip entirely. Oopsies. He’s always preferred the more hands-on approach ever since he was a kid. Sitting in classrooms and huge lecture theatres listening to the teacher droning on and on was a surefire way to bore him to the bone. Besides, who needs to attend a three hour lecture when he can learn the material in less than one? That also means more time to focus on the important things.

"Classes will be starting soon, but it shouldn't be too, too busy in the first couple weeks. You should hit me up when you're free, and I'll come over with all my sweet treats~"

“Ahaaa makes sense,” She nods her head in understanding. What was it, power in numbers? The idea that if you had a guy around, creeps were usually less likely to bother you? Truly sad that the level of safety one felt usually depended on having reliable guys around, but—what can you do? “Thank you, Akkun. Haru can feel safer at night when you’re around. Do you live near campus, or do you live elsewhere? Haru lives with some relatives.” She mostly asks out of curiosity for what his morning commutes were like.

If where he lived was in the opposite direction of where she was staying, then she probably wouldn’t let him escort her all the way back home. It would be too out of his way to do so. Making sure she got to the station fine was good enough.

“It used to be Haru looking after you and getting mad at the other kids who were bothering you,” a dramatic sigh, “oh, how times have changed. Now the tables are flipped.” A true sign of growing up, hm? She giggles at the mental thought. She smiles at the comment that they could hang out more, finding it endearing that Byakuran did seem to want to rekindle their old friendship, so it wasn’t just her that felt that way.

Haru’s eyes sparkle with excitement, “have you now? Haru is new to the area, so she hasn’t had the chance to try out all of the cafes and bakeries yet to gauge how good they are.” If his sweet tooth hasn’t lost to the passage of time, she trusted his judgement on tasty desserts. They both loved sweets and had similar enough tastes from what she could remember, so she would trust his judgement on a good place. “Haru would love to try some of your favorites and to visit the places that have your seal of approval. How exciting~”

“We can always coordinate later what day would work best for our schedules.” She used to have it set for every third Saturday would be her appreciation day, but she figured things would change once she started college. Weekends may be full of her trying to focus on her school work and studying, so maybe her appreciation days will have to move to a weekday. She also would have to plan around Byakuran’s schedule as well. “It will be a joint appreciation Haru and Akkun day. Maybe we can call it… Ha-kkun day.” That sounded kind of cute if she must say so herself. Simple but cute.

She was excited for it, and she was already hatching some plans in her head for the inevitable sugar coma she’d find herself in later. “Hahi! What are you majoring in, by the way? Haru is going into the mathematics field, specifically physics.” She was good at math because of her father who was a mathematics professor, and it would seem that she was following in her father’s footsteps. There was that, but also her parents wanted her to have some kind of a useful degree that she could always fall back to if ever necessary. Otherwise, she may have tried going in for fashion to make good on that old childhood dream of hers—to become a costume designer!

#t: queenharumiura #akkun verse #au #( ` they are going to live out their happy school lives together! isnt that cute! :")))))!! )#( ` byakuran will 100% skip class to go eat cakes with haru lol )

12 notes · View notes

realcube · 4 years ago

Text

saying things they don’t mean during an argument

navi | masterlist | taglist

thank you to anon for this request <3

characters ♡ msby black jackals (hinata, sakusa, atsumu, bokuto)

content warning ♡ angst, hurt to comfort, fluff, swearing, crying, adoption (sakusa’s) & suffocation (?)

kōtarō bokuto

♡ you sighed, crossing your arms over your chest - you knew he was a bit boyish sometimes but you never expected him to be so childish in regards to a simple request

♡ ‘bokuto, i have so much on my plate!’ you cried, tightly gripping the sheets underneath you, ‘planning the wedding, going to work, doing almost every chore in this damn house and filing all our fucking taxes!’

♡ you momentarily paused to look at him, expecting a look of sympathy but instead getting an eyeroll which prompted you to continue, ‘and all i am asking for is you to run a few errands! that’s it! why are you so opposed? i thought you enjoyed grocery shopping?!’

♡ bokuto pulled his night-shirt over his head as he stormed to his side of the bed, ‘it’s not fun without you!’ he whined childishly, plopping himself down next to you and gasping when you had the audacity to shuffle away from him

♡ ‘it’s not supposed to be fun, bokuto!’ you yelled, completely fed-up with him at this point, ‘a few errands, that’s all i ask of you!’

♡ bokuto notices how your voice shook and your lashline glistened; he didn’t want you to cry so he begrudgingly gave it, but with a strong comment to go along with it so you knew that he really didn’t want to

♡ 'fine! i don't need you anyway!'

♡ then proceeded to dramatically pull the duvet over himself and pout, averting his gaze to the wall opposite

♡ in this context, he hoped that you’d understand his comment and not take him too seriously but since you were already on the verge of tears, this simply pushed you over the edge

♡ you buried your face in your hands and hid under the blanket in hopes he didn’t realise you were crying but his senses are just different when it comes to you so try stifle that sob all you want, he’s still going to hear it and he’s still going to instantly pull you into his arms while frantically apologising

♡ ‘please don’t cry, (y/n)! i really didn’t mean it- i do need you! i love you so much, my life wouldn’t be the same without you! you do so much for me and i am so sorry for not showing you how grateful i am! like you’re so pretty and kind and talented and smart - only geniuses can do taxes - so i’m just so lucky to be with you and i can’t wait until we’re married. please, don’t leave!’

♡ eventually his praise slowly became pleas as he begged for you not to leave/hate him

♡ he does not want to lose you bc of a silly comment he made-

♡ eventually his endless pleas started to become more than background noise to your sobs, so you finally hugged him back, whispering, ‘i can’t wait to marry you too, kō.’

♡ this action lifted a massive weight off his chest and he let out an audible sigh of relief, his grip on you loosening, ‘mhm, and of course, i’ll run the errands, babe. i suppose, it’s the least i could do.’

♡ you hummed in agreement, glad that a part of your mental stress had been relieved, allowing you to finally relax in his arms and perhaps doze off in his loving embrace

♡ ...

♡ ‘mm, you smell like marshmallows, (y/n)- can i add marshmallows to the shopping list?’

kiyoomi sakusa

♡ he spoke as if you were making some crazy, otherworldly request but in reality, all you were asking was for him to take paternity leave to help you care for the baby

♡ you’re not really a baby-expert so you thought that sakusa would be happy to stay home and learn how to care for the child with you - as a couple, as a team

♡ but he was extremely opposed to the idea, spewing out a much of nonsense as to why he needs to go to work, but a part of believed that he just didn’t want to deal with his child - or maybe, he didn’t want to deal with you

♡ ‘sakusa, how do you expect me to raise a whole baby on my own! they need a lot of attention - i don’t think you understand how big of a commitment this is, you can’t treat it like a hobby!’ you cried, having long before burst into tears because your mind told you the worse - that he didn’t actually love you, he lied about wanting a kid, he lied when he said ‘i do’.

♡ usually during arguments when he notices that you’ve started to cry, he’ll drop everything he was doing to shuffle over to you and wrap you in arms, then whisper sweet-nothings into your ear until you feel better but today, he showed little consideration to your emotions as he continued pacing through the living room while you bawled your eyes out on the couch

♡ ‘i thought you loved (c/n)! you were so gentle around them but it turns out you’re not even willing to take a paternity leave to help take care of them!’

♡ ‘what happened to the man i married?’

♡ ‘kiyoomi, you need to revaluate yourse--’

♡ you wouldn’t allow him to get a word in, which was probably for the best considering he had nothing good to say

♡ but you were forced to cut yourself off when heard the sound of shattering so you immediately search for the source of the noise and there stood sakusa, his hand resting on the decorative table in the place your framed wedding photo once was - now, it was laying smashed on the ground surrounded by it’s own glass shards

♡ he pushed it off like the petty bastard he was

♡ while you sat stunned, staring the mess he just voluntarily made, he quickly turned on his heel and strolled away at a leisurely pace, 'my life was a lot easier before you entered it.'

♡ that was the last you heard of it for the next three days - you were giving each other the silent treatment

♡ you couldn’t have any sort of grain for three whole days bc they are all on the top shelf and you usually make him grab it for you but you refused to talk to him-

♡ you were the first one to break it though as you noticed that he hadn’t went to work for the last three days and curiosity got the better of you

♡ ‘kiyoomi.’ you called out to him from the kitchen but he didn’t even look up from his book - ‘parenting for dummies’ - causing you to scoff, ‘why aren’t you going to work? did something happen?’

♡ finally, he sighed and shifted his gaze off his book but only to shoot you demeaning look, as if you were stupid, ‘paternity leave, duh.’

♡ the corners of your lips twitched into a smile, which you quickly forced away when you recalled the events that occurred three days ago and the hurtful things he said, instinctively looking over at the decorative table to remind yourself of what he did

♡ but to your surprise, the picture was no longer laying on the ground, pooling in shards of glass but rather, it sit on the table with a brand new frame - which had both of your initials engraved onto it along with the date of the ceremony

♡ you didn’t need to choke out an inquiry as sakusa noticed your stunned expression and answered on his own, ‘i bought a new frame. i hope you like it.’

♡ of course you liked it; this one was a chic black with silver decals which matched your living room aesthetic way better than the other, tacky blue one did - plus, this one was customised which made you love it even more

♡ ‘i do. i really do. but i don’t like your attitude lately.’ you muttered, shaking your head as you waddled over to the couch

♡ sakusa was quick to wrap his arms around your waist and pull you down next to him, ‘i’m sorry, love.’ his voice cracked slightly as he whispered in your ear, ‘i cannot put into words how much harder my life would be without you. i just..hope you understand.’

♡ it’s not that sakusa was bad with words; he was just too emotional and overwhelmed to produce a long, coherent sentiment for you so he just prayed that you recognized that everything he said on that day was meaningless

♡ ‘i love you, (y/n).’

atsumu miya

♡ you rolled your eyes, ignoring him and continuing to type your essay until atsumu slammed your laptop closed

♡ ‘please, (y/n)! you know how much this means to me! i’ve been waiting for this festival for years!’

♡ you scoffed, folding your arms and patiently waiting for him to move his filthy hand off your laptop, ‘i do and i’m proud of you. but i have a lecture that day and my exams are just around the corner - and you know how much my education means to me.’

♡ atsumu had to take a moment to suppress a gag at how sickening and condescending your tone was, ‘it’s just one lecture, (y/n)! you’re not going to fail your exams because you missed one lectu--’

♡ ‘you don’t know that.’

♡ atsumu blinked twice, a unimpressed expression painted on his face as he let out a sigh, realising there was no possible way he’s going to be able to get through to you - i mean, he’s been trying for the last 20 minutes to no avail

♡ he ran his hand through his hairs, turning on his heel, heading towards the door and left

♡ but not before peering over his shoulder to shoot you a nasty glare and spitting, ‘you’re so selfish. you can’t even do one thing that’d make me happy - you never can.’

♡ that was the final thing he said to you for the next....20 minutes

♡ that’s actually a new record for him - usually he storms out of the room, sulks for a minute or two then renters to beg for your forgiveness

♡ but not today. he was so mad that he needed 20 whole minutes to cool down and come to his senses

♡ but once he did, when he came back into the room, he expected to see you typing your essay or studying as usual since his words don’t usually effect you too much

�� so of course he was shocked when he slipped back into your shared bedroom to see you with the duvet tossed over your whole figure, faint sobs coming from underneath

♡ his immediate reaction was to pull the blanket away and offer himself as your source of heat, so he wrapped you in his muscular embrace, ‘b-babe.’ he stuttered, eyes-wide as he never would’ve thought you’d take his words seriously, ‘are you okay?’

♡ he knew that was a stupid question but he simply asked it to determine how sad you were - and considering you weren’t able to babble out a reply, that wasn’t a good sign

♡ ‘you’re not selfish.’ he reassured you while rubbing circles on your back, ‘if anything, i was being selfish- and nothing makes me as happy as you do, (y/n). i- i really didn’t mean it.’

♡ he paused only to place a kiss on the top of your head, ‘i love you- and to show you how much i love you..i’ll drop you off at your lecture on that day, and take you to the festival afterwards; does that sound good?’

♡ you were finally able to choke out a response but only to explain how unachievable his idea was, ‘my lecture finishes at 5 and the festival ends at 7, and there is a 45 minute drive between the two- you’re only going to be able to spend a little over an hour there.’

♡ ‘and i’ll have a blast in that time!’

♡ you sighed, your lips twitching into a small smile as you buried your face into his chest as you really couldn’t look him in the eye, ‘and why can’t you just go without me again?’

♡ ‘who the fuck am i going to play dance dance revolution against if you don’t come?’

shōyo hinata

♡ you crossed your arms over your chest, internally regretting ever opening your mouth to try calm down fiancé as now, not only is he even more angry, but also most of his anger with now directed at you rather than manager, like it was previously

♡ eventually, you started to develop a headache from all his screaming and shouting so you politely asked him to calm down, to which he replied, ‘calm down?! you’re the one who made me mad with your rude-ass comment and now you’re telling me to calm down?!’

♡ you preferred it when he was demanding for you to say ‘butt’ instead of ‘ass’ because now that’s he spent more time with bokuto, he’s started swearing more often and to be honest, it’s scary when a 5″4 ginger sunshine is yelling at you, calling you a ‘rude-ass’

♡ ‘shōyō, if i’m completely honest, i have no idea why what i said was so mean and i have no idea what’s going on- why are you so mad at your manager?’

♡ suddenly, he twisted his neck to look at you as if you had just been possessed, ‘what?’ he inquired in a hushed tone, his voice hoarse and oddly sinister

♡ you quirked a brow, too tired of his constant bitching to pay attention to his tone of voice, ‘yeah, you speak too fast, shōyō.’ you said with a shrug, checking your nails to ensure that he knew that you truly did not care about how he scowled at you, ‘plus, i just don’t understand why this gets you so worked up - i try, i really do, but i guess your volleyball problems just go over my head.’

♡ hinata clenched his fist, realising that he wasn’t going to make any progress by complaining to you. he whipped his head away before storming off, not even sparing you a final glance, ‘you just don’t get it; you don’t understand anything i say and you don’t even make a fucking effort! you just think you are so much better than everyone - well, you’re not! try coming back down to reality with the rest of us, and then we can talk.’

♡ followed by a slam of the door which rattled through the whole apartment

♡ you really had never seen hinata so angry before in your 6 years of being together

♡ the words he said were far from pleasant and a part of you wondered in he genuinely meant them, perhaps he had been supressing those thoughts for ages and now that he was finally mad, he could let it all out

♡ though you tried to reassure yourself that everyone says things they don’t mean when they are angry, but the tears started flowing on their own

♡ hinata didn’t plan on seeing you for another few hours as he had the idea of heading over to bokuto’s, have a drink and cool down but when he hopped out the shower, he realised he had left his phone in the bedroom - where he left you.

♡ begrudgingly, he slid into the room with the intention of grabbing his phone then leaving but that went to shit when he noticed that you were bundled up under the blankets, and he could hear distant sniffles coming from underneath

♡ and hinata only has four moods: mad asf, happy asf, loving you & volleyball...asf

♡ so upon seeing you in such a state, presumably because of what he said, elicited his mood to change from ‘mad asf’ to ‘loving you’

♡ he pounced on you, causing you to fall sideways and squeal but he simply did not give a fuck

♡ ‘baby! i am so sorry! i didn’t think what i said would make you cry!’ he blubbered, or at least, that’s what it sounded like since you couldn’t actually see him due to the fact he had trapped you under the blankets, ‘i don’t know why i even said that! you’re not like that at all- i don’t think of you like that!’

♡ he paid little regard for your pleas of mercy as you squirmed frantically under the blanket, trying to escape his grip and body weight. he simply continued babbling on about how sorry he was and how amazing you are, ‘you are down here with the rest of us - i just said for no reason. please don’t be mad! you are - what does bokuto call it again? - oh! a humble--’

♡ ‘shōyō! i’ll forgive you if you get off me right now - i can hardly breathe!’

2K notes · View notes

belphies-cuhm-sluht · 3 years ago

Note

Hello! I saw your asks open and i wanted to request some angst headcanons with dad!Asmo. I just read Luci's and oh man that sure hurt my heart, you write angst so well!

Unwanted (Dad!Asmo x F!Reader) ANGST

A/N : Mammon plays a really big part in this, just as Beel played a big role in the dad!Lucifer fic. It's never hinted whether they're together or not, it's kind of up to the imagination... but if you'd like, I can write a part two to this??? (I will also, to anyone who might want it, write a part two to the dad!Lucifer fic)

Word Count : 2.3K Warnings : pregnancy ; children ; maternity ; babies ; hinted abortion ; angst ;

He never wanted children, he didn’t want anything that would actually tie him down to anything or anyone. It wasn’t his “thing”, and you both had done everything to prevent it from happening. Up until now, everything had worked, there had never been one mistake, but the both of you got sloppy. There was a party, and… well, you loved him, and he had said that he loved you, and precautions weren’t a “thing” at that moment. One slip up, one mistake, and now everything was falling apart.

“I didn’t want this. I don’t want that.�� He spat the words at you, pointing towards your stomach. He had only stopped pacing long enough to say it before starting again, walking the length of his room as he gnawed at his perfectly manicured fingers. You hadn’t expected anything different from him, but it still hurt that he was blaming the whole thing on you, as if it didn’t take 50/50 participation to make something like this happen. “It’ll completely ruin my image. A child with a human! It’ll be all over the tabloids, in every magazine… I can’t have that.” His behavior shouldn’t have been that shocking to you, but to hear just how selfish he really was, to know that he thought so little of you, it hurt way worse than you ever thought it would. One moment he was professing his love to you, and now he’s disgusted with you. It could have been that your emotions were running high from the situation, or maybe the hormones had just taken over completely, but you wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, and you wanted to fight him. “Your image?! This thing could kill me and all you care about is your stupid public persona… Screw you! I wish I never fell in love with you.” His eyes went soft, and for a moment you thought that maybe he’d apologize, maybe he was rethinking his own words, his actions, that maybe you’d be able to be a team to work through this mess. You were wrong, you were so wrong. “Wish all you want, we both know you’d have never been able to resist me.” Narcissistic, selfish, he was just awful. You closed your eyes tightly, trying to fight back the tears as you walked past him. He didn’t deserve your last words, he didn’t deserve anything. He didn’t deserve you.

The twelfth week was supposed to be the most exciting. It was when most couples would finally make their announcements, happily tell family and friends that they were expecting. Your twelfth week was a nightmare. You were trapped in the Devildom, human doctors wouldn’t know what the hell was going on if they delivered a child with horns, a child so angelically demonic that they’d probably call the hospital priest to your room as soon as they saw it. The only place where you’d be able to safely deliver a child like this and live through it would be in the Devildom. It’s not like you hadn’t tried to relieve yourself of the problem. You had gone to Lucifer, Satan, Barbatos, even Lord Diavolo, asking them if there was any way that they could just… get rid of it. Sadly, Asmodeus wasn’t just a narcissistic, selfish prick, he was also sadistic. None of them could do anything without Asmodeus’ approval since it was his child too. Every time one of them asked him, he would refuse. He didn’t even give a reason, he just wanted to see you suffer. Strangely, you had found comfort and solace in Mammon. You were pretty sure he was only helping because he still had a crush on you, but he became your emotional, mental, and physical support throughout everything. You had told him many times that he didn’t have to basically “fill in” for Asmo, but he insisted that it was the least he could do considering his little brother was being a dick. He wasn’t just your support at the house, he was… invested in the child that Asmo hadn’t wanted. He took you to doctors appointments, sometimes even getting in the way of the doctor as he pointed to the ultrasound screen. He was so excited that most people just assumed it was his kid, and he never denied it either. It was just easier that way, to go along with whatever the other demons said because he knew that any mention of Asmo would upset you and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Some days the both of you would sit on the couch in the living room, flipping through the pages of maternity books. He’d really try to understand the diagrams on the pages, but you could tell that he was confused and sometimes he’d even look up at you from the pages, and then down at your stomach, and then up at you, before looking back down at the pages. It was cute, and you’d giggle lightly, resting your head on his shoulder as you continued flipping through the pages. He had become the only person in the house that you felt like you could fully trust and rely on. Everyone else wanted to stay out of the drama, nobody wanted to get involved, but Mammon wasn’t there for the drama, he was only there for you, he was there when you needed him.

“Can you believe him? Can you believe both of them? We haven’t even broken up and they’re sleeping together, she’s even wearing his clothes. It’s ridiculous, and Mammon is out there playing dad with my kid.” Asmo sat on the edge of the counter, voicing his complaints to anyone who would listen. Sadly it was Beel’s turn since he was the only one in the kitchen right now. Most of the time the other brothers would just hide themselves away, not wanting to deal with Asmo right now, but Beel had gotten hungry and he really thought he’d be lucky enough to avoid his brother. “I don’t know what the big deal is… You didn’t want the kid anyway.” He wasn’t going to walk on eggshells around Asmo, he wasn’t going to lie to make anyone feel better. In Beel’s eyes, Asmo was completely in the wrong. “If Y/N is finding some sort of happiness in spending time with Mammon, who are you to complain? It stopped being your place when you said you didn’t want it.” He shrugged before grabbing his plate and going straight back to his room. He wasn’t going to continue listening to it, but he hoped that he had left Asmo with something to really think about. He walked up the stairs, going straight to the bedroom door, knocking loudly. He wasn’t going to stop until someone opened the door either. Mammon got up from the bed that you both had been propped up on, rolling his eyes as he walked over to his door, groaning loudly when he saw Asmo standing there. “Whaddaya want? We don’t need ya here… yer just gonna stress ‘er out.” He was trying to talk quietly, not wanting you to hear him or even know who was there. He was so protective of you, he wouldn’t let anyone else serve your food during meals, he’d even stand outside the bathroom door whenever you were in there just to make sure you didn’t fall or hurt yourself. Asmo pushed his way into the room much to Mammon’s annoyance. “I don’t care, Mammon. Y/N isn’t yours, and neither is the child. They’re both mine, and I’d like to have a word with her.” He said snidely, but Mammon wasn’t going to have it. Brother or not, he cared too much about you, he had worked so hard to help you get over what Asmo had done, and he wasn’t going to let him waltz back in and ruin everything. Mammon wasn’t weak, he was way stronger than he looked, and right now he was showing his strength, grabbing Asmo’s arm and practically throwing him out of the room. His teeth were barred and the growl that was coming from him sounded feral, animalistic, it was terrifying. “Neither of them are yers! I’ve been there fer everything, every doctor visit, I even bought a damn room fer the kid and she’s sleepin’ in my room, next ta me, and a next ta Y/N. Ya know why?! ‘Cause ya don’t jus’ get ta come back when ya fine’ly realize that ya fucked up! Now… leave us alone. We don’t need ya here.” He left Asmo out in the hallway, crumpled against the wall as he walked back into the room. “She…” Asmo kept repeating the word as he pushed himself up off the floor. He was having a daughter, and he hadn’t even known about it, he wouldn’t have known about it if Mammon hadn’t screamed at him. It was strange how knowing made things more real, it made him care more, and the worst part was that he knew it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to you. He didn’t know how to fix what he had done, but he knew that he had to try at least. “Lucifer…” “I don’t want things to be like this when she gets here. It’s not going to be long either.” You sighed, finally relaxing once more in the bed once Mammon got in next to you. “Why was he here anyway?” Mammon shrugged, focusing all of his attention on your stomach trying to calm himself. He liked watching it move, he thought it was neat.

The delivery was smoother than you thought it would be, and Mammon only fainted twice during the whole thing, so he did pretty good. Delivering a child in the Devildom had its perks, the main one being that you didn’t have to stay more than one day in the hospital to recover. They did some spell and you were completely fine. It was strange, but you appreciated it greatly. The only issue with the perk was that it meant you were going back home and that meant you’d have to face Asmo. She looked so much like him, and you could tell that Mammon was upset by it. Even though he knew she wasn’t actually his, he wished that she didn’t look so much like her father. Her eyes were his exact color, and it left you speechless when she first opened them, gazing up at you with wonder and curiosity. She was precious, and she was yours. As you walked through the door you were met with balloons and streamers, and Asmo. You heard Mammon growl quietly, and you quickly held your hand out to him, silently begging him to stop. He was holding the carseat and you didn’t need him to lose his temper right now. “I just wanted to welcome her home, welcome you home. I bought some things for her, they’re outside of Mammon’s door.” Asmo said nervously, and for once he was terrified of being rejected. “We don’t need noth-” Mammon had started, but you quickly shook your head, pleading to him with your eyes to just stay calm. He groaned loudly, eyeing Asmo angrily before walking past him to the stairs. “Fine. She’s prob’ly hungry… I’m gonna feed ‘er. Ya comin’ up?” You nodded quickly, making sure he got up the stairs alright before turning back to Asmo. “What are you doing, Asmo?”

He moved into the living room, waiting for you to sit down before he did, and he looked scared, he looked sad. Of course you didn’t like seeing him like this, but it was his fault, he had caused all of this. “I don’t want to be alone. I know that sounds selfish, that I’m making this about myself again, but I’m not trying to. When Mammon told me… he said she… It's a girl?” You nodded slowly and you saw his face light up for only a second before it left once more. “I was scared, I am scared… I didn’t know if I’d be a good… father. I never saw myself as one, but seeing Mammon, and he’s doing so well… I never saw him as a father either… I thought that maybe, since he could… that maybe I could too.” He sighed, bringing his hand back up to his lips to chew at his fingers again, his orange eyes glistening with the tears that hadn’t fallen yet. “I know that what I said was wrong… I was rude. I didn’t think I’d have a problem finding someone to take my mind off of everything, but I was wrong. I love you, and nobody else is going to take your place, nobody else can take your place.” You both sat on the couch in silence, his tears finally falling as he waited for you to say something, and yours building up as you tried to think of something to say. “This isn’t fair… You know this isn’t fair. You can’t… you can’t pick and choose when you want to be a dad. You weren’t there… and you made it very clear that you didn’t want her. I… I can’t do this Asmo… I’m sorry… They’re waiting for me… I-I have to go.” You took a deep breath as you stood from the couch, wiping your tears with the back of your hands as you started walking to the stairs. “Y/N…” He walked up behind you, grabbing your hand to stop you. You didn’t turn around to face him, you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, but he didn’t mind. He was actually thankful that you didn’t look at him, because what he was about to say was the hardest thing he’d ever have to say in his life. “I know that I’m unwanted… But… If I may… Can I meet her? Just once? Please?”

456 notes · View notes

mrpenguinpants · 4 years ago

Text

Genshin: Roommate HCs [V1]

To be honest, I just wanted to ramble some more and let my brainworms take over. This is sorta late but Happy Valentine’s everyone! I was gonna post this earlier but this honestly took me a long time to write so I moved it to today.

Once again, this is 90% crack 10% content. Seriously, as much as I love writing this non-serious fics. Why do you people like this?

—

Based off my ramblings with Keqing anon: Link

Genshin: Holding Hands [V1]

Genshin: When you’re cold [V1]

Genshin: University AU [V1]

Genshin: Royalty AU [V1]

[Masterlist]

—

[taglist] <- if you want to be added, please read this first.

@youaskedfurret @diaxfeliz @wintergreen-aix @kaechu @thegayrubberducky @lovelykittycatmeow @yuunoagivesmelife @dokidokisama @rokipersonal@minakohasmanyhusbandos @strwbrry-lia @tigerpriestess @yuu-yuukurotsuki @hanniejji @mikeysbike @unionwitch @musekala @sunnshiii @stanzastic @akaasea @xoneaboveallx @adoring-ghost @asheseiler @childelover @dilucsz @dai-tsukki-desu @thicmitten @nonniechan @htnicayh @genshins1mpact

---

Diluc

What? Diluc has a roommate? Did you blackmail him in living with you? Is that even possible? Did you throw yourself in front of his car because you needed someone to pay for your student loans and the easiest way was to file a lawsuit? In this economy no one would blame you. Diluc seems like such the self-isolated character that would murder his roommate in cold blood but in reality, he act’s detached from the world because he forgot how to socialize and he’s desperately trying to cover it up without choking. That or he’s trying to learn how to astral project. If he could drink away the pain he would but instead he buys 20 packs of grape Kool-Aid and injects it into his veins.

Does not and will not ever have a normal sleeping schedule. You’ll wake up to him working, come back home to him working, and will sleep to him still working. His daily dose of Vitamin D is from the brightness of his screen rather than the sun and he’s filter feeding at this point. It’s concerning. He’s going to crumble and he’s bringing the world down with him. Through the power of tax evasion. But as soon as he needs to walk out into society, he pulls movie magic and looks like perfection. It’s both physically and mentally disgusting.

He’s actually is a really nice roommate to have just so long as you give him space. Great cook and knows to clean up after himself. Though he does have crash and burn days where’s he’s completely out of commission. You could set the entire apartment on fire and he would sleep through it. The entire two weeks are dedicated to zombie eye marathons and then he’ll suddenly collapse and sleep for 46 hours straight. When he wakes up from his hibernation he’s the most groggy and nonsensical person. His life blood is coffee because you keep hiding the 5 hour energy away from him because, you know, life is enjoyable and those cancer bottles will actually kill him.

“University sucks our money out of our bodies faster than our will to live.”

Beidou [Happy Birthday Queen 💕]

Despite her appearance, she’s actually really strong and it scares the piss out of you when you’re doing something or scrolling through your phone mindlessly and you suddenly get your spine re-arranged when she slaps you on the back to ask what you’re doing. Likewise, when she hoists you up and throws you over her shoulder so you come with her on her 3am convivence store raids for alcohol. It’s either you change now or else we’re walking out of the apartment in your t-shirt and no pants self. She can and will carry you under her arm that way. It’s both incredibly attractive and horrifying at the same time.

She’s really friendly and a great talker if you’re alright with her “I must hold you in my arms, fresh prince of bel air style”. It doesn’t matter if you’re taller than her, she’s doing it. She does however, get in a bit of trouble from her rowdiness and you often get noise complaints but Beidou just passes them off to Ningguang and everything is fixed. She has ovaries of steel when neighbors rather confront her personally and she’s ready to 1v1 in the parking lot. You’re trying to desperately hold onto her shirt to stop her from pile driving your neighbors for the third time this week but she’s too strong.

She’s constant party until we die attitude and suffers the hangover in the morning. It’s actually really funny to catch her in her hangover moods because whatever filter Beidou had, which is none, is gone. She really takes “cursing like a sailor” or the next level and the amount of creativity she comes up with is actually impressive. She can be a bit messy but she’s really likeable and always down to go anywhere with you as long as you’ll do the same. It’s a very ride together, we die together situation. You’re my best friend, you’re dying with me. I’ll see you in hell.

“Imma T pose over my dad and then crash the car into the parking garage.”

Kaeya

Kaeya on the surface seems like such a chill roommate. And he is for the most part. But he’s such an ass. Your things are his things, no questions asked. If you just bought a really nice sweater or you had leftover food, that’s his now. He’s innocent until proven guilty even if he’s literally holding your lunch. The pure amount of bullshit he can spit out to convince you that no, he did not pull the fire alarm because he wanted an excuse for not going to work, puts him on Shakespeare level. He’s also very pretty, way too pretty, sir can you share some of your genes?

But aside from that, he’s actually super dependable. You forgot something at home? Sure, he has nothing better to do so he can bring them for you. We’re missing eggs? No problem, he’s just by the store. You’re 95% sure that he just wants to be cheeky and make you thank him for 20 minutes before he actually hands you what you asked for. It’s better for you if you never tell him anything you’re afraid of because Kaeya has no social cues, or more like he throws them out the window, and he’s probably a psychopath.

He’s incredibly private of his room and things despite his attitude towards yours. You’re convinced he either has a secret lab or that’s where he’s storing the bodies. I was the good guy but due to unfortunate circumstances, I need to stab a bitch. But he’s a really good serious talker for those 3am, because everything happens at 3am, talks about life and the meaning of the universe. It absolutely wrecks your sleep schedule but some of the things you talk about are the most crackhead things like what’s the lowest amount of money someone would have to pay you to walk outside without clothes? It’s a legitimate question.

“Never before have I been so offended with something I 100% agree with.”

Jean

Okay, what world did you save in a past life to live with his absolutely wonderful woman? Mother Teresa take a load off, take a seat. You have nothing to worry about. She’ll bring home little treats back home and it’s the most wholesome thing ever?? Is this what love and affection feels like? We’ve been starved for so long. She says it’s not a big deal and anyone would do it BUT THE MOMENT SOMEONE BUYS FOOD FOR YOU. IT’S A MAGICAL MOMENT. They are forever stuck in your will until proven otherwise. An absolute ray of sunshine that must be protected.

She does get super busy so you don’t often see each other or get to hang out as much. She’s a bit of a workaholic but a lot more easier to talk her into taking a break. She’s also a pretty decent cook but she prefers baking and jesus christ, girl can you calm down? Be still my beating heart, I’ve been smitten. Has mother hen vibes that you’re not sure if she’s your roommate or if she adopted you into her family. It’s time to start a petition for the Jean protection squad. Given the opportunity, I would aggressively hold your hand.

She’s always open to whatever you want to do. Any recommendations or things that you like she will try out at least once despite her busy schedule. She’s lowkey lonely because work consumes her so any time you want to hang out or do something together, she jumps on it like she’s feral. She get’s a bit shy to ask if she can join in on your plans because she doesn’t want to bother you or intrude no matter how many times you tell her that’s okay, she still get’s a bit iffy about it. Please save this girl before she trips. In your arms. Platonically. Just kidding haha. Unless?

“I can’t wait to see you happy and not hating everyone again haha.”

Childe

First impressions of Childe were great, until he opened his mouth and you realized how much of a two brain cell child(e) he was. He has two braincells because they constantly have to 1v1 in his brain. He’s lived with a lot of siblings so he has no social awareness or concept of privacy that you’re lucky if you come home and he’s half-dressed. It doesn’t matter if you’re 2 weeks older than him, he’s going to call you 82 years old and why your bones aren’t being fossilized at this point. He’s such a little shit, this fucker licks the yogurt lid peel.

He get’s really restless when he’s stuck under house arrest, because apparently 1v1ing in the parking lot of a Wendy’s is illegal for some reason, so he makes dying whale noises until he get’s to go outside again. But he’s actually a really wholesome guy, probably because of his younger siblings, that he’ll sometimes get you something because you seemed down and it’s such whiplash? Who is this man and where did he come from? You’re starting to have a change of heart before he tells you that he got banned from the library for accidently punching the school’s computer. How you “accidently” punch something you have no idea but Childe always comes home with some sort of injury. Maybe he’s just incredibly clumsy. For your sanity, you’re going to go with that.

He’s actually so uncultured that it’s crippling. You can’t blame him too much considering his upbringing and it’s great that he’s so interested in learning new things but...child no...It makes you want to take your spine out of your ass and rip it like a Beyblade. Watching him take chopsticks and stab his food like it’s marshmallows makes you want to fall into a blackhole and let the chair consume you.

“I, too, fantasize about beating the living shit out of people.”

---

Is this another tag yourself game cause I resonate with Diluc. I’m crying in insomnia. As much as I enjoy writing these fics I absolutely hate tagging them. I remember I used to have a tag anon but that was back when I wrote for bnha.

Valentine’s Day was fun tho. I had a drinking game with friends as we played league then ended it off with a movie night.

1K notes · View notes

false-kingdom · 3 years ago

Text

TRIGGER WARNING: There's gonna be some talk about IRL abuse and slight mention of su*icide. If that's not something you want to see, keep on keepin' on. I never talk about my own childhood so this is probably gonna get a little dark but I feel like it'll be cathartic for me to do it and it's important to the point I'm trying to make. May be a long read but I feel like it's something that needs to be said. Try to catch typos but I'll probably miss some bein' on mobile.

So, there's been a bit of Bo slander going around and I kinda wanted to say somethings about it. This topic has been bothering me for awhile but it's been popping up more so it's been on my mind. I feel this way about a lot of characters but this is the one that I'm most bothered by. I feel like a lot of slashers or 'bad' characters in horror movies get labled as pure evil right off the cut. If it's shown there was abuse to them, people swipe it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist because murder = evil, no exceptions. They only see the aftermath and refuse to uderstand or acknowledge what caused it. Then in turn, the people who relate to those characters and talk about the abuse, get hate for it because we're making 'excuses' because we think they're 'hot'.

HOW is one of my top three favorite horror movies for one reason and one reason only; I see myself in Bo. Hard.

I was raised by a neglectful and emotionally/mentally abusive parent. From as earliest as I can remember until I was disowned at 17 for FINALLY putting my foot down and refusing to bow to them. It was BAD and at 27 I am STILL dealing with that trauma and the invisible scars it left behind. They didn't want to deal with my behavioral issues so they just used force to get me to be 'normal' and yell when I wasn't. It wasn't until I got older that I realized a lot of my issues steemed from ADHD that gave way to anxiety and depression. I'm not in a position to get checked out for BPD but it's probably likely due to it being heavy in my family.

When I first watched HOW at 16 I stayed in bed for two days afterwards because of how much I saw myself in Bo and Vincent and their implied abuse and how they acted. It was even more terrifying because my mothers maiden name is Sinclair. Which, by the way, almost made me stop watching the movie because FUCK. Hell, I even lived in Georgia for awhile as a kid and have a southern accent when I'm angry. The similarities were too eerie and I refused to watch the movie again for years because it hit too close to home.

I had selective mutism as a child and stuttered when I did have to speak. Which would lead to being yelled at more. I still struggle with it now. I couldn't explain what I was feeling to ANYONE. I felt too much all the time and I was too small to understand it. I would scream and throw things. Lash out in anger because anger was the only emotion I ever saw. I was MEAN to people. Cruel at times even. As a teenager and into my early 20's I was not a good person to be around. I lashed out at anyone and everyone.

I started smoking at 12 and drinking at 13. It made me FEEL something. All through JR high and most of HS I went to school buzzed because it made everything quieter. Easier to handle. I even tried ending my own life at one point because I thought it would be easier than the hell I was living. I was 13 when I tried and failed, making me feel even worse. The abuse only amped up when my sibling left. I was blamed for it because I was too much to be around. I was told I was the reason our family was torn apart and I was just a mistake that should have never happened. I was the 'bad' one. Self-hatred became very really. And I still feel myself suffocating in it sometimes.

I dealt with all of the weight of everything completely alone. Stuck in my own head and drowning in the weight of everything being to much. To loud, to bright. To everything. I watched the movie again at 25 and almost rooted for Bo and Vincent to come out on top. Which made me realize I needed to get help, because obviously murder isn't good. Duh. I spent a year focused on myself to try and get to a point where I felt 'normal'. Which I realized is never going to happen. My brain isn't wired to BE normal. No one's is. You don't get fixed, you just get better at handling it. It doesn't go away it just gets quieter.

I don't condone Bo's actions(or any other slashers) and I never will because Bo, honey, killing people isn't a good thing. But I also refuse to ignore that it is a very real outcome of abuse. NOT THE ONLY OUTCOME BUT STILL AN OUTCOME. He's not evil or the devil. He's hurting and broken and painfully HUMAN. He never got the chance that I did to get help. Most people don't. He was only taught pain and never kindness. He was told he was a monster and it was all he knew. By all these people ignoring that their actions are a product of abuse, you are telling real surviors that we are never going to be anything but BAD. That we're only bad because we want to be and not because we we're made that way and are struggling. We are not using his trauma as an excuse to justify his actions because we think he's hot. We are acknowledging that abuse happened and is the CAUSE of his actions.

Abuse is real and has lasting consequences that can be ugly when steps to get help aren't taken or available to be taken.

I think I said all that I could think to say. This applies to all slashers that have been shown to have abusive backgrounds.

Side note, ya'll need to be nice to @grease-daddy. Man's doin' his best and your all out here ripping him to shreds. I understand you Bo. Don't agree with your coping methods....but I understand you. If I still smoked, I sit with you and have one. I'd have a drink with ya though as long as yer buyin'.

That was ROUGH to type out. I'm literally shaking from adrenaline holy crap. I want a cookie. Or maybe a hug.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk. I'm gonna go scream into a pillow in a corner somewhere to make myself feel better.

#bo sinclair #slashers #vincent sinclair #lester sinclair #how 2005 #house of wax #horror

52 notes · View notes

eyoricka · 4 years ago

Text

Fight - Pete Davidson

Requested: yes

Words: 2300

Trigger warnings: some curse words

Pete was not his regular self this past few days. The BPD was hitting hard probably because of stress. He was under pressure for his new special and his whole mental state was affected. You did everything you could to make him feel better, but it was tough. He booked more therapy sessions but on a short run it was not enough. You encouraged him to watch some movies he likes to relax, to express himself creatively and to do some exercises with you however it created more tension than everything. Small things were triggering some Pete’s negative reactions, it was very hard to keep up. You wanted to be there for him, showed that you cared. Sometimes it was just nearly impossible and that worried you. You were kind of used to those situations but this time it was a longer, rougher episode and it began to play with your own mental state.

You were in the kitchen baking some peanut butter brownie for the dessert when Pete entered in the room. He seemed tensed but smiled at you lazily. He approached you and kissed your temple while looking at what you were cooking. He frowned a bit but said nothing. You were surprised by this reaction, he usually loved this treat.

“You don’t like it anymore?”, you asked still taken aback. He rolled his eyes but remained silence which upset you. “You can use your words to answer, you know.”

“I am just wondering if you really know me and want the best for me” he replied growing annoyed.

“You what??!! Where does that come from?!!”

“You know I have Crohn and you know it can be worsened by nuts” he placed a huge emphasis on the you know. “But still you are baking this” he glanced at the brownie meanly, rose his hand towards it and for a second you thought he might throw it in the trash or on the floor. Instead, he put his hand on his face and sighed: “I really wondered why I still get home to be welcomed like that.”

Those words stung you, hard. You had taken of your time to bake this, it was just a small attention and you didn’t expect this reaction. You bit your lips refraining yourself to reply harshly, deep down believing that he didn’t think that, didn’t actually mean that.

“Well, I think you are stressed and angry and maybe you should go relax and we can discuss that later.” You kindly reply, putting a smile on your face.

“Now actually we should discuss that now, you are the one who says that when there is a problem, we have to discuss it, let’s do that.”

“Yeah, but when you are calm, ready to talk without your feelings interfering and risking saying things you don’t mean.”

“I am calm and ready to talk” he insisted visibly growing upset. You nodded and sighed frustratedly. There was no point arguing and you didn’t want to deal with him being angry for such a flutily, so you let him speak. You weren’t really listening carefully to what he was saying considering that he just needed to let some stuffs out because he was stressed. You were sure that he would apologize as soon as his crisis would be over so there was no point in taking to heartedly what he was saying. You didn’t want to ignore him, but it was easier that way, else you would probably be hurt by some words he pronounced without thinking. “Are you even listening to me?!!” he snapped at you while you were lost in your own thoughts. You winced trying to find a way to explain why you were not very into what he was saying without upsetting him even more.

“I…No I don’t really listen. But look Pete you are annoyed and half of the things you are saying, you will regret them later so…”

“You must be fucking kidding me!!! How can you know that I will regret them if you don’t even listen to them! You know what it proves, it proves that you don’t care about how I feel or why, that you don’t give a fuck about me!!”

“No, it is not like that!” you exclaimed trying to make your point.

“Stop trying to make yourself look like the nice guy while I am the bad one!!! Fuck… I can believe you, from all the people I thought I could trust you!”

“But you can” you pleaded.

“No!! Visibly I can’t but I should not be surprise you can’t even seem to remember or care about what I can eat or no so I guess listening to my feelings is too much to ask!!” You opened your mouth to reply to that but he continued: “Maybe if it is too much you should leave, you would probably be happier without me, without pretending you love me, care about me. And I would also be happier, I would finally find someone for me!!” he yelled certainly not even knowing what he was saying, the stress, the anger he was feeling for days were taking the best of him.

Even if you knew that, you still never expected such words. You were astonished to say the least. You couldn’t even answer to that, you were still processing those hurtful words. After few seconds at looking silently at each other, it hit you, what he just said, what he meant. It took every ounce of courage you had to not cry in front of him and simply nod, leave the room silently. You went to your share bedroom and grabbed a bag, put some clothes in it with your toiletry bag. You sent a quick text to a friend of yours asking her to sleep at her place for the night and she accepted without questioning you further. When you crossed the living room to leave the place, you saw that Pete was still standing there, looking at the window. He was back at you. “I will come back in few days to get back the rest of my stuff” you stated, and he didn’t turn around. You put everything in the car and drove to your friend’s place.

When Pete heard the sound of your car driving way, he realized. He realized what he had just say, what it implied, how badly he had screwed up. He wanted to run to you but it was too late, you were gone and he didn’t even know where, he haven’t even seen your face one last time. This broke him and tears streamed down his face. What an idiot. You were right. Of course it wasn’t the moment to talk, of course the anxiety he was feeling was taking the best of him, of course you had nothing to do with all of this. He had been so unfair to you, during all your relationship you had cared, you had listened to him, you had made your best to make him feel better, good, you always had been careful about his feeling, you had been supportive of his decisions and involved in everything he had tried to do. He never thanked you, not really and the only time you were not listening because you were sure that he was not thinking straight, he had been an asshole. He wanted to make it up, he needed to apologize, he wanted to fix things, but he ignored where to start. He was crushed by the idea that it was definitely over, that he would never see you smile at him, wear his shirt, cook for him, play video games with him, falling asleep in his arms while watching movies… All those precious, treasured moments you shared would vanish and he would never be able to relive them.

He tried to recompose himself and called you, but he never reached anything else than your voicemail. The sole sound of your voice humming asking to leave a message was enough to make him sob again. He fell asleep that night crying while you did the same some miles away. Those few miles felt like the abyss between you, an abyss that none of you would be able to cross that night to join the other.

When you woke up the following morning, you had a lump in your throat, you felt sick. Your friends had made you a delicious breakfast to cheer you up and you smiled kindly at her. She didn’t pry in your intimacy last night, she did what she could to make you happier, gave you space and let you sleep while insisting that she was there in case you needed. You were so grateful to have her. As you were eating, you received a text from Pete, you were not sure if you wanted to open it or not, if you were brave enough to read it but you couldn’t avoid it. You would have to read it at some point so there was no need to put it to another moment. You were a bit shook by his words, expecting a breakup text, a date to pick up your remaining stuff. You couldn’t help but smile a bit at your screen: “I am so dumb, I am surely the dumbest dude in all New York, and I am sorry, I can’t apologize enough for my behavior. But please give me one last chance to talk to you, if you don’t want to see me after that I can understand but I want to apologize to you in person, you deserve it, you are amazing and that is the least I could do after all the hurt I caused.” You texted back a brief ok, thanked again your friend and drove back to your place. Your fingers were drumming nervously against the steering wheel.

To your surprise the front door wasn’t locked and then you remembered that you had left in such a rush that you hadn’t even taken the keys. As you took off your shoes, you heard Pete made his way to the entrance and you took a seconds or two to look at him. Judging by the enormous bag under in eyes you guessed he hadn’t had much sleep last night, his eyes were glossy giving you a clue on how he spent the night crying. He looked miserable and you presume that you looked the same. He approached you slowly like he was scared that you would reject him. When he realized that you were not angry at him but rather hurt, he internally felt like dying. He had always sworn to make you happy, laugh, to protect you and in the end, he was the precise reason you were pained. He rose his hand to help you to take your coat off and you noticed that his hand was shaking.

“I am that intimidating?” you humored him, and he smiled sadly at you. You then proceed to follow him in the living room, as you sat on the couch, he paced around the room. Your eyes followed him closely as he was moving, chewing on his lips, and playing with his sweatshirt. He eventually locked his eyes with yours and decided to sit down in the armchair in front of you.

“I am sorry, I fucked up immensely, I don’t even have words to tell you how sorry I am. What I did, what I told you, it was unspeakable, ignominious, and if you can’t forgive now or never, I would get it but sincerely I am sorry. I can even begin describe how much I feel like the worse for making you feel like this, to have accused you of things you never did. You always had been there for me, always, even in the harder moments, you had always tried to make me feel better when I am low, you spent hours listening to me and my struggles and the only thing I do is to tell you that you don’t do enough. Fuck, I am so stupid. I should have listened to you. I know apologize are not enough, I realize how badly I hurt you, how from the start I was an ass. You baked me something I like and because I am feeling bad, I take all my anger at you, this is fucked up I am sorry. My mental health is not an excuse for what I did to you, to treat you like this it was awful of me. I felt anxious and attacked at work, so I attack you and this behavior, my behavior it can not lead us anywhere except to our downfall. You don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to say anything, I would get it you know, I am just sorry.”

You brushed away a tear on your cheek, you felt like crying and you couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe because you were really hurt, or because this apology seemed so sincere or simply because you couldn’t stand to see him like this considering that he had realized how cruel he had been. You stood up and took his hands in yours, enjoying their warmth. You let him engulf you in his arms, intoxicated by his scent while he buried his head in the crook of your neck.

“What you said yesterday, it stung me hard, but I am willing to forgive you, Pete. But I don’t want to relive that again, not in few days, not in months, not in years. I want this to make us stronger, we can use this to advance, to be better, okay?” you whispered as you pressed your head against his chest. You felt him tighten his grip on you as he murmured back “okay”.

#pete davidson #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson imagine #snl fic #pete davidson fanfic #pete davidson oneshot

453 notes · View notes

magniloquent-raven · 3 years ago

Text

so there's this post @draculcid made a lil while ago that i thought was fuckin ADORABLE, and i wrote a thing. that sat in my drafts for a while lol, but here is the finished product, pls enjoy

if asked, he honestly couldn't say how he ended up being holly wheeler's babysitter. something to do with steve mentioning to claudia, who mentioned to karen, that billy has a lot of free time lately, and the next thing he knows he's being cornered at melvald's and strong-armed into spending afternoons with the least bratty wheeler child.

ever since she got her new job and apartment and shit, she's needed someone to pick holly up from school, and apparently billy counts as a qualified adult.

the couple hours he has to spend watching the kid aren't awful, holly's alright, but the five minutes of small talk when mrs.wheeler gets back is always awkward as hell. she tries painfully hard to be polite and he hates it.

but he needs the money. it was either this or waiting tables at the 24hr diner, and, shockingly, he's actually more qualified for the babysitting gig.

maybe he's not dad material or anything, but he manages. he had fun bossing the aqua tots around last summer, while it lasted. the young ones are easier to deal with.

though it's truly exhausting sometimes. on the days when his scars ache and it's more noticeable than ever that he isn't as strong as he used to be because he has to keep putting holly down even though he promised her a piggy-back ride.

but on those days he calls steve, because steve is a goddamn blessing.

steve always has pizza money and he lets holly put glittery clips in his hair—something billy doesn't do anymore, not after she got one tangled so deep in his curls he had to go home with it still in there—and he's a good sport when she wants to play pretend.

today she wanted to play house. billy's not entirely sure what that means but it's keeping the kid happy and steve looks ridiculously adorable in the stupid apron she made him wear, so.

billy though, billy likes to think he still has some dignity left, so he's busying himself cleaning up the mess of lego on the living room floor while steve makes an invisible sandwich for holly.

but then holly says, in her quiet little voice, "is daddy coming home now?" and billy pauses, stops with his hand hovering awkwardly in midair and his heart hammering.

he glances at her out of the corner of his eye. awkward conversations about the fact that her mom and dad are divorced now, and what that all means, are definitely not supposed to be part of his babysitting duties.

how would that conversation even go? he's pretty sure she knows about the separation, she has to, she moved away without her dad, they had to have told her something, but—

"i think she means you, big guy," steve supplies, with barely contained amusement.

ah. right. playing house.

he mentally shakes himself, and drops the lego bin on the coffee table before shuffling over to join steve and holly by the little plastic kitchen set. steve is smirking at him, way to smug for the guy who's wearing a frilly apron.

billy plops on the carpet next to steve. "honey, i'm home," he says dryly.

it takes about fifteen minutes for him to completely forget about feeling weird about it all.

in fact, it's disturbingly easy to slip into his role, making moon-eyes at steve and pretending it's because he's acting. he's been careless lately. letting his feelings get all over the place. he never was that subtle around steve, but the weird domesticity of babysitting a kid together gets in his head.

like when steve pokes fun at his make-belief dish washing skills and it's somehow not embarrassing. and it just does things to billy's stupid heart because it doesn't realize they aren't actually married.

"shut up," billy mutters, softly, too soft, warm and not at all threatening. he should feel off-balance but he doesn't.

"is that any way to talk to your wife?" steve can barely say it without grinning.

his big dumb sunshine-y grin is probably what fried billy's brain enough for him to respond with, "aw, sorry, baby," a little too sweetly to be serious, and then—

it's over before he even realizes what he's doing. and he's left sitting there, leaning into steve's space, looking into steve's eyes, wide with shock, searching billy's face, still inches away because steve hasn't moved or reacted or...

"claire from art class says boys aren't supposed to kiss each other," holly whispers.

billy jerks backward, ending up a foot further from steve than he was before, trying to pretend his heart isn't racing and he isn't struggling to breathe, and his goddamn lips aren't tingling with the phantom sensation of steve's mouth pressed to his, breath mingling, a soft sound just...

he curls his fingers into the carpet at his sides and stares, unseeing, at a stain on the knee of his jeans.

before he can even fathom saying a damn word, steve cuts in with a vehement, "claire from art class is full of shit," and billy startles, turning to look at him. there's a set to his jaw and a spark of something in his eye, determined and steady despite the flush on his cheeks.

it's a really inconvenient moment for billy to get distracted by how fucking gorgeous steve is.

holly lets out a nervous giggle. "steeve...that's a swear."

"ah, fu—uhh...um. right." steve pushes his bangs away from his face and sighs. a couple locks stick out awkwardly when his hand falls away, and it makes billy's fingers itch. "listen, holly. it's not nice to tell people they aren't allowed to love someone—"

"you and billy are in love?" she gasps, her eyes huge and round, flicking between the two of them.

steve turns impossibly pinker, mouth opening and closing silently. billy's heart leaps.

he bites his lip, holding back a smile and trying to stamp down on the bubbling, hopeful warmth in his chest. he needs to do something. right now. something other than stare at steve. he runs a hand down his face, blows out a breath, and tries to get his shit together.

"alright, holly, steve here is gonna make us some hot chocolate, with extra marshmallows, and you are gonna forget this ever happened, deal?"

she glances between billy and steve with a furrowed brow. "and a piggyback ride?"

billy snorts. "sure, kid, whatever you want."

she grins, suddenly, and nods. "okay."

"billy, you sure you're feeling up to that?" steve murmurs. when billy turns to look at him he's a lot closer than expected. his breath catches, the irritated retort on the tip of his tongue evaporates.

"yeah, i..." his gaze wanders down a little, touching, briefly, on steve's mouth before he snaps his eyes back upward. "i'm fine."

steve's hand inches towards his on the carpet between them, fingertips brushing billy's knuckles. holly's staring at them, billy can see her out of the corner of his eye. the scrutiny is setting his teeth on edge but he doesn't pull away. "just. don't push yourself, okay?"

billy scoffs. "yeah, yeah."

and then steve kisses his cheek.

fucking. kisses his cheek.

he doesn't linger, he's sauntering off to the kitchen before billy can even fucking blink. it's brief enough that billy wonders if he imagined the sudden warm pressure of steve's lips against his skin, the way steve's eyes were all lit up and fond and just that little bit defiant, like he was daring billy to say something about it.

they'll talk about it, he's sure. later. billy's a horrifying mix of ecstatic and absolutely terrified. he's shit at talking about his feelings, and so is steve. it's going to be a goddamn shitshow, but...

but still. he has a good feeling about it.

holly's even quieter than usual when she scoots over to sit next to billy, "you love steve?"

"thought we were gonna forget about that, wheeler." he glances down at her. there's nothing but innocent curiosity on her face. he sighs. bites his lip. "...yeah. yeah i do."

#harringrove #steve harrington #billy hargrove #holly wheeler #stranger things #a raven's writing desk #saw someone's anon trash talking the idea of billy and steve babysitting holly #on my dash today #so i may or may not have finished this ficlet out of spite

120 notes · View notes

milkacchan · 4 years ago

Text

Request for anon: Can I have Present mic, Aizawa, and all might where they learn their young student is fatherless? Like... their father walked out/went to prison when they were young. I'm sorry if this is time consuming, but I can't stop sobbing over my father.

I'm the situation baby but remember it wasn't your fault

I changed it up a little bit with Mics- I hope you don't mind

Present Mic:

• from the getgo something was wrong

• The moment you walked into class he could tell

• You looked like shit

• Dark bags under your eyes, hair messily brushed, just to get it out if your face, and your eyes were a light red.

• You didn't look particularly happy to be there either

• something turns in his stomach, a gut feeling that something really had went down

• And he hated seeing his students upset

• but he was relatively close to you to begin with, his felt different

• He felt like he had to do something

• Everyone settled into their seats as the bull rung but his eyes remained on you

• You honestly didn't pay attention during the lesson

• He could tell as much

• class finishes and the bell rings but you sit still, and it's not until most of the students have trickled out of the room do you start packing up

• He walks over and kneels in front of the desk "You okay there? You don't look so good," he looks concerned and his heart drops when he sees your lip start to quiver

• It takes you 0.27 seconds to break and you're frantically wiping your eyes as sobs wrack your body

• He's got his arms wrapped around you in seconds and you're leaning into his shoulder.

• He isn't sure exactly how long you're crying for but eventually you calm down enough to get out a coherent sentence

• "My-My dad was arrested Friday night. He won't tell me why- he won't let anyone else tell me why and I don't know what else to do," you cry, "I miss him so much and its only been a few days- I don't- I don't have anyone else, Mr. Hazashi,"

• And you're crying again.

• He has you take the rest of the day off, in fact he takes the day with you

• He calls in a sub (you don't know what strings he had to pull for that but you don't ask, at this point you don't care) and you two dip

• He takes you to get food, real food, that'll make you feel better

• He knows that'll help a little

• and after that he takes you to get something sweet- that tends to help mood and blood pressure and anxiety

• So he does his best with you

• He nutures you the best way he knows how

• if you need anything and I mean ANYTHING this man has you covered

• He does his best to step up in any way he can

• first off he extends his assignment deadlines and cancels two tests. Who needs them anyway.

• And you eat lunch in his classroom because he can well tell you don't want to talk to anyone else right now

• He closes it off (seemingly) so in reality its just you and him

• He'll probably tell Aizawa too but on the downlow (just so he knows)

• When holidays roll around, the dorms close.

• In this case- he let's you stay with him. He has an extra bedroom. He doesn't want you to stay in an empty house.

• You also get his phone number (which you gladly use) for anything really

• Bored? He'll deliver some shitty puns.

• Confused about homework? Text him.

• having a mental breakdown? He's got you covered.

• You got memes? Please for the love of God send them to him.

• The dynamic eventually shifts to a VERY father daughter relationship.

• He knows he'll never replace your dad. He understands that wholeheartedly, but he wants you to have someone

• He actually gets a letter from your dad, thanking him for taking care of you

• but he really doesn't mind

Aizawa:

• He had a feeling that there was something going on at home. Or rather, a lack of something.

• He's dealt with it in the oast- with himself and with past students and current ones

• Shinsou

• I mean, aside from that fact whenever parents were mentioned, you'd either stiffen up or wrinkle your nose

• You didn't really like the subject of parents

• There was an essay prompt about parents (nothing too personal) nd you ended up writing it on the extinction of dinosaurs and why God fucked up instead

"It'd be absolutely stellar to see huge lizards roaming the earth and occasionally stepping on people, you know? Jurassic park was onto something."

• Man's couldn't even fail you on it because it was written v well

• Anyway, he doesn't pry too much. He just silently figures it out by process if elimination and pattern.

• He doesn't really care too much

• In the sense if it doesn't define you and he doesn't help you because he pities you

• he helps you because he seems potential

• He takes you under his wing with shinsou

• Yall spend a whole summer training

• And that's when it all came out

• It was an accident really.

• Shinsou was tired, exhausted really

• and when people get tired- that tired- sometimes they spout random shot they wouldn't usually say

• and thats what he did

• he went on about his home life

• and if he could, you could too right?? You could trust them.

• "My dad walked out when I was a kid. Little, like 3. I have a few pictures of him holding me, but I guess it wasn't enough. I don't have any desire to meet him. Not anymore. But it left me feeling like I did something wrong? I guess? Which I suppose is why I train. Because then I feel strong. Which is a good difference from how it usually feels."

• He knew it.

• He called it.

• He was right again.

• He reassures you that you are good enough, strong enough, and his decision to leave had nothing to do with you

• and when he saw you give him a soft smile, he warmed.

• I mean really, it only goes up from there

• he'll deny it, or grumble under his breath, but he seems you two as his own

• Like these aren't my kids but they are my kids

• When dorms close on holiday yall get to stay because that's where he lives too

• Like if you chose too

• he's not gonna force you to stay but if you don't want to go home, you don't have too

• He has that power

• He will buy you food

• all you gotta do is ask

• and he'll roll his eyes and grumble something he doesn't really mean, just secretly happy that you feel comfortable enough around him to ask for something

• lmao family group chat

S: 'Hey Mr. Aizawa I found this cat. Hold on lemme send a pic'

A: 'Dont need a pic. Bring him home'

Y: 'What if he's ugly??'

A: 'gremlin. Bring him home.'

Y: 'Hey I saw this tweet that said 'kids be like watch this and do a half roundhouse spin kick clap and waste my fucking time' and it make me think of you.'

S: @ mr. Aizawa when he has to watch deku do sumn

Y: Lmaoooo like when he threw the baseball

S: LMAOO

A: Me watching you too try to figure out how to beat me in training

Y: Yikes bro

S: That was a rough one

• Does he regret giving you and shinsou his number??

• Maybe

• Not really

• Lmao super secret lunch movie days

• Every week on wendesday yall watch a movie. Usually it takes 2 or 3 days to watch the movie since lunch is only 70 minutes

• @ you accidently calling him dad one day and shinsou snickering but it stuck

• dadzawa lmaoo

Allmight:

• Man's has 2 underlings.

• You and Deku.

• Picked you up when he started teaching at UA

• Ion know let's say one day you popped off bc he said some dumb shit and you were like no sir that's clearly wrong

• schooled him in his own damn subject

• the other kids were like 😳

• what the fuck

• Anyway

• He see's you have potential

• And though he's not the best teacher, you seem to respond better to the way HE was taught

• So tbh its easier to teach you

• 'okay, now I want you to beat the shot out if that wall,'

'Okay lmao bet'

• Midoriya is like, hey mayhaps we should analyze the situation

• N ur like noe

• You just don't give a fuck

• about anything really

• other than moving up the ranks

• But even then- its not a super super big deal, you're just gonna do your best but you aren't gonna stress

• However he noticed a pattern w you (even before Midoryia brought it up to him)

• You don't let anyone in

• Midoryia knows a bit more than the other students but that's really only because he's always with you

• a good majority of the week he's w you

• but its not really a deep connection

• you don't rely on either of them

• You do your best to do things on your own.

• He knows midoryias life story

• he knows why he acts the way he does

• but he doesn't know why you do

• he has a gut feeling it could be the same as midoryia

• I mean he already had one kid who's dad dipped

• he'll surely be able to figure out you too??

• So he makes himself a promise that he'll figure it out and he'll become someone you trust

• And he does just that

• When you tell him about your nightmare of a family history he's like mm, makes sense

• but he's happy that you trust him!!!

• He's a BIG suckered for movie nights

• he's got popcorn, snacks, candy, chocolate, soda- he's prepared

• list of movies lined out all ready

• I lowkey feel like he'd be into lord of the rings or fast n furious

• fast n furious at LEAST

• He's really into American action movies

• and he has no problem sharing those movies with you

• he doesn't have a whole ton of money, like he's not rich, but if you or midoryia need something he's definitely there to get it for you

• even if ur like fam no you don't need too

• he'll buy yell food a lot

• a l o t

• and cards

• when you and midoryia get him a father's day card he thinks he's gonna cry

• You guys also have a group chat

• 'da faemilee'

• Y: "Hey dad do you have milk?"

A: "???? Do I have milk????"

Y: "ya I'm looking in your fridge n ion see any???"

A: "How'd you even get in????"

Y: "Izuku."

I: "lmaoo"

Y: Izuku you dumb bitch I left for ONE day

Y: And you got into a fight with Bakugou

I: He wanted to throw hands. I just did what you would do.

A: He's got you there

A: What do you guys want for dinner

I: Sushi

Y: Chicfila

Y: Izu square up

I: K

Y: Izu is fighting kacchow again

A: Beat his ass young midoriya

Y: Lmaoooooo

#hizashi x daughter reader #hizashi x reader #aizawa x hizashi #hizashi yamada #yamada hizashi #present mic #present mic x reader #aizawa x child reader #aizawa x daughter reader #aizawa x reader #aizawa shouta #shouta aizawa #eraserhead #all might #all might x reader #mha toshinori

2K notes · View notes

onlyherefortheshowmances · 3 years ago

Text

So I saw someone else get an anon message that said: “I hate to admit this, but I really can't shake the feeling that Benji loves Victor more than Victor loves Benji at this point.” I wanted to respond as well, because I think this is something people are probably seeing a lot and I really want to explain how I’m looking at it (from personal experience and just from looking at and examining the characters).

CW/TW: Mental Health, suicidal ideation/action mention, Addiction, Emotional Trauma, sex mention, Predatory relationship mention, catholicism, homophobia, misunderstandings, lack of communication, spoilers for love victor seasons 1 & 2 [let me know if I missed anything please]

I want to be frank in saying that Benji is my favorite character and I project onto him a lot (along with seeing a lot of myself in him). I’m also white AF, so I’m sure some of you think that’s relevant, but I really don’t think it is in this particular case. I do also however identify with Victor in a number of ways and I am trying to see the characters both as complex individuals with deep personal histories. Both have suffered traumas and both are clearly dealing with a lot of their own shit on top of being sixteen/seventeen and dealing with junior year of high school and all the pressures and expectations that brings for everyone.

I think what people are interpreting at loving someone more/less is actually about prioritizing someone/a relationship more/less. In my mind, from what I see on screen and interpret, they both love each other beyond words. They are both very much in love with one another. It comes down to how they display that to each other and to the public as well as where on their list of priorities this relationship falls.

Let’s start with Victor, struggles and life:

He is dealing with internalized homophobia and associated thought-patterns stemming from his upbringing in the Catholic church as well from the vocalized homophobic remarks from his mother (toward himself and Benji as well as likely at other points in his life toward strangers), his father (stating that he hopes Adrian doesn’t turn out ‘like that’; the scene in S1 where they’re at the church in Texas and he calls the hairdresser ‘flojito’; etc.), and his grandparents (on his birthday and likely at other points in his life). As a result of this, Victor tried to make himself straight (or at least interested in a girl) by dating Mia because he did like her as a person and everyone was telling him that’s what he was supposed to do. He ended up hurting her and almost losing her friendship (temporarily, he did, but she does seem to have forgiven him now).

He is dealing with outside homophobia as well. That kid on the very first day he was Creekwood responding to Benji helping him up. Felix’s comment that same day of ‘you don’t want to give people the wrong idea.’ The basketball team/gym class guys roasting him about not hooking up with Mia on the ferris wheel. Felix saying he’d be crazy to not like Mia. Lake asking ‘are you gay or something’ when he brought Felix along to Mia’s house, etc., etc. Some of these things may seem innocent enough, but they weren’t. Not to Victor who was already struggling to accept even the possibility that he might be gay. Once he managed to come out to his parents, obviously his father got better fairly quickly, but Isabel continued to struggle for six months which put even more pressure on Victor to try to lead this double life. Once he came out at school, the whole fiasco with the basketball team also occurred and that was a lot for him, because Basketball as always his safe-space. It’s where he went to get away from all the other pressure. It was something he didn’t have to think about and now suddenly, he did. Those pressure are also affecting his ability to think about what he may want and it seems affecting his ability to think (at all sometimes) about how any of that is also affecting Benji. It’s affecting him so much that he’s basically blind to how it’s also affecting Benji to see him suffer. He doesn’t even consider that possibility until Felix brings up how hard it is for him the night Felix breaks up with Lake and Venji get caught having sex.

Victor also has struggles away from just his coming out and accepting himself journey. He has the struggles associated with his parents separation. Until fairly recently, Victor always thought his parents had a perfect relationship. He saw that as the ideal. Get together in High School, get married right away, stay together for ever, happily ever after. That’s what he was raised to expect. And now he’s seeing their relationship fall apart before his eyes. Hell, his devoutly Catholic mother had an affair, and he’s wondering if it’s really possible for your first love to be your only love especially after he and Benji start butting heads, so he’s already vulnerable to that viewpoint when Rahim brings up the possibility. He gets so lost in what’s happening to his parents and what Rahim is saying about it not usually working out that he forgets how in love he is and he sort of loses his will to fight for what he wants, because maybe it’s just doomed to fail anyway (until he sees Benji at the wedding and it sort of hits again - and then Felix’s speech thereafter, obviously). He kind of loses his way by getting caught up in the statistic improbability of your first love being the one and watching his parents’ marriage potentially fall apart and he wonders for a moment if it might be easier, if it might be better to just walk away and go toward Rahim who he seem to get along with and seems to understand the things Benji doesn’t about him, but what he fails to examine in that moment is that he’s only barely scratched the surface with Rahim and that Rahim doesn’t know him like Benji does and that every relationship has it’s ups and downs and what it always comes down to is how willing both parties are to work to make things right. How much you’re willing to step into the other person’s shoes and try to understand. In my opinion, even if he were to walk away from Benji and go to Rahim, that bubble of understanding isn’t going to last forever either. He’s failing to remember that when he got together with Benji (and for most of the summer it seems) that’s exactly what it was like and failing to remember that they have grown beyond that into a deep soul-altering love for one another that deserves his time, energy, and effort and NEEDS those things to keep it going.

Now let’s talk about Victor’s priorities in life:

Victor has always been close with his family, especially his mother. The strain on that relationship is very taxing on his mental well-being. He has a hard time ‘standing up to’ her or talking back to her, etc. because he loves her and he just wants their easy, close relationship back. He already overcame his own anger at her affair to get her back, but now she’s the one pulling away because of his sexuality and it’s hurting him because if he was able to forgive her for something that was actually wrong, why can’t she forgive him for something that he has no control over. So he loves his mother and his family and he hates disappointing them. He has spent most of his life fixing his family’s issues (as he explains to Simon in S1), but now he is the issue and he doesn’t know how to handle it. When in 2x1 he decides to just bring Benji over and try exposure therapy with his mom, it backfires in a big way. Even though they barely touch each other. Even though Benji just says the word boyfriend once, it’s too much for Isabel and Victor desperately wants to please. He desperately wants to not lose his mother (who has always been the person he is closest to), so that causes him to take a step back from going against her and the steps he still takes (telling her he wants her to call Benji his boyfriend not just his friend, the whole conversation outside the church, the conversation with Adrian, etc.) are things that Benji doesn’t get to see happening and it frustrated Victor that Benji won’t even listen to him when he tries to say that his mom is making progress at all, because she is so important to him and yet it seems like Benji just doesn’t even recognize or care about that. This leads him to say the thing he does at Brasstown before Benji runs out, because he assumes that it has to do with Benji being white and of course, that is part of it, but I think Victor in that moment is so overwhelmed by the rejection of his mother and now the refusal of his boyfriend to even try to understand that he snaps. He forgets all the struggles Benji has told him from his own past and he just lashes out which causes Benji to leave [more on Benji’s viewpoint of this whole thing later].

Victor also loves basketball. It’s true that in some case LGBTQIA+ individual participate in certain activities to make them seem more ‘normal’. Gay men participating in sports to seem more macho is a common one, so Benji thinking that’s why Victor plays basketball makes sense to an extend, but he never bothers to ask Victor about, only makes assumptions, and Victor feels like the fact that he actually likes sports makes him ‘not gay enough’ (see conversation with Andrew). What he’s forgetting entirely is his encounter with Bram and the gay basketball league in NYC from episode 1x8. There are many ways to be gay, and sports gays do exist and are perfectly valid. That’s not the type of gay Benji or his friends/bandmates are, but it is the type that Victor is and Benji failing to recognize that and failing to understand or even ask Victor about that drives one of many wrenches into their relationship. In episode 1x5 when Benji shows up to Victor’s first game back on the team and does the Go Grizzlies dance with the other basketball girlfriends, it definitely does a lot of help Victor realize this was just a miscommunication/misunderstanding rather than anything malicious. Basketball and his teammates continue to be a priority for him after this, but that seems to be something Benji is now capable of understanding.

Finally, Victor loves Benji. He wants to be with Benji; there is zero doubt about that. However, for Victor when he’s put on the spot (as in episode 2x8) and basically told he has to choose his mom (who has raised him and been his closest confidant and biggest supporter for his entire life) or his boyfriend (who he’s known for almost a year and been dating for six months and is helplessly in love with) it processes as an error message in his brain. He just wants everyone to get along. He’s not mad that Adrian knows that he’s gay (he’s wanted him to know for months), but he is upset that his mom is now even angrier. [see my section about Benji in this moment, for more about Isabel’s reactions as well] In his mind, telling Adrian could wait. In his mind, he was willing to go along with his mom’s requests for a while longer just to keep the peace so to speak. He didn’t want his whole life to fall apart and that’s what he thought was about to happen in that moment. That’s why he asked Benji to leave. He didn’t want to make his mom any angrier. Could he have chosen his words better? Yes. Could he have made Benji understand better? Yes. But he’s sixteen and his brain wasn’t functioning at full capacity because post-sex brain is definitely a thing and he was also looking at his mom who has already been horrible and barely able to look at him for six months, looking even angrier after he finally thought they’d made some progress after church the previous week.

So in conclusion, regarding Victor:

He loves his family (especially his mom). He loves Benji. He loves Basketball. Obviously, he’s not going to prioritize basketball over either of the human beings involved, but I think it’s important to at least note it’s importance in his life. As for Isabel vs. Benji. To Victor, these are the two most important people in his life. All he wants is to be able to love both of them and have both of them love him in return. When they are pit against each other, especially directly, it’s hard for him to make a choice. It’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to his mom and it’s hard for him to say ‘no’ to Benji, but in the moment (episode 2x8 specifically), he takes Isabel’s side, because he knows the ramifications of saying no to her and of making her even more angry that she already is are far worse than the ones for asking Benji to leave for the night. He failed to realize however, how close Benji already was to the edge and how upset he was going to be and how little he understood (or was willing to try to understand) about the situation. This is something he really needs to communicate with Benji (even though it’s not quite as important now that Isabel’s apparently come around). I think it’s important for Benji to understand that Victor values his relationship with his mother enough that it’s difficult for him to go against her without a lot of preparation and having a fully fledged reason, etc.

Now for Benji - Struggles and Life:

The obvious of course is that Benji is a sixteen/seventeen year old that’s barely a year sober and attending AA meetings regularly. Recovering from Alcoholism is difficult at any age let alone for a teenager. One of the most important factors in recovery is looking at the things that led you to drink in the first place. Looking at things that may be considered triggers and either learning to avoid those people/situations or learning healthy alternatives in those situations. I have multiple family members who are both actively drinking alcoholics as well as those in recovery. I also lost my best friend/ex-fiancé to alcoholism a few years ago, so to say I have some personal experience in this arena is putting it lightly. Benji admits to Victor in 1x7 that he used to drink a lot because he knew he was gay, but didn’t want to be. To me that whole story screamed, I’m an alcoholic and while a lot of others agreed with that opinion. I was not shocked that Victor didn’t understand that underlying truth. Those that don’t have intimate familiarity with alcoholism often do not recognize the signs (either as they happen when when they are not directly told). It is made clear in episodes 2x7 & 2x8 that Benji hates this part of himself, in fact he says as much to Victor when he arrives at his apartment late the night of his birthday. Benji has still not fully accepted that the alcoholic part of himself that attends AA meetings and drinks orange juice while his friends are drinking vodka is one and the same with the part of himself that loves Victor with all his heart. This is something I’d really like to see him reconcile and work on in season 3 and beyond. Understand that you can’t compartmentalize yourself. You are but one whole person and all facets of yourself are in fact part of the singular you. [Not accounting for those with dissociative identity disorder.] It’s not directly mentioned if he’s still struggling with urges to drink, but most if not all alcoholics do, especially when experiencing those aforementioned triggers. Seeing Benji meeting with his sponsor after the incident with Isabel/Victor is not shocking to me and if anything, that was the healthy and correct response on his part. The reason he was drinking in the first place was that he was gay and didn’t want to be (internalized and probably external homophobia) and he just experience some really intense homophobia at the hands of his boyfriend’s mom (and partially said boyfriend himself). Benji’s lack of understanding of where Isabel was coming from in episode 1x8 speaks volumes to just how traumatize Benji still is about his own experiences with homophobia. The only thing he can think about in that moment is that this woman hates me for being gay. She hates her son for being gay. Being gay isn’t okay, etc. What he doesn’t factor in is that Isabel is also devoutly Catholic. I honestly don’t think it’s the gay part of the sex that horrified her the most. The Catholic faith is also very clear on the practice of abstinence from sex (at all) prior to marriage. She would’ve responded the same way had she walked in on Victor having sex with a girl, in my opinion, but in the moment Benji’s own trauma is overriding his ability to understand that because all he can see is the homophobia. This is especially true after she calls him Victor’s friend rather than his boyfriend and that in my opinion, is why he snaps. Could he have phrased it better? Yes. Could he have said it without shouting? Yes. But he is a freshly seventeen-year-old whose brain is not functioning on all cylinders in that moment.

Sort of coupled with his alcoholism and recovery therefrom is the allusion his mother makes to ‘dark times’ following his accident. I do have suspicions that perhaps he was also struggling with mental illness, and likely continues to. Depression to the point of suicidal ideation or actions (possibly only in the form of drinking, but possibly in other forms as well). Anxiety is pretty obvious from his actions and reactions throughout the series as well. I also think he is dealing with some sort of trauma-based disorder stemming from the homophobia he experienced (especially the instance of his father taking him to strip-club). It may go as far as C-PTSD (which I myself am diagnosed with) or it maybe something less (or even more). I’m not in the habit of sticking mental health diagnoses of people (fictional or otherwise though). Dealing with these things on top of what in his eyes feels like rejection from not only Isabel, but in a way from Victor as well likely causes some very unpleasant thought patterns and the potential for thought spirals and the likely. I also see indications that he could suffer from co-dependency (whish I also have dealt with in the past), but I’m honestly not sure if that’s me projecting or if it’s actually there.

Then on top of all of that, his boyfriend who he loves more than anything in the world, tells his deepest darkest secret to someone he’s literally never met or spoken to and that said boyfriend has only known for maybe a week at best and thinks it’s no big deal. In that moment, I can 110% see why Benji requests to take a break and I feel that choice is 110% the right one to make. What is a relationship built on if not trust? Victor just destroyed most if not all of the trust Benji had in him. That doesn’t mean he stopped loving him, just that he doesn’t trust him. Love isn’t something you can turn off and on like a light switch especially not the kind these two share. I definitely think Victor has a lot of explaining to do and a lot of apologies to make. I do also think they both need to have a really long, really honest and open conversation. Benji needs to be willing to get a little vulnerable and explain why certain things are causing him so much distress, but he also needs to be willing to listen to Victor explain why he can’t simply go against his mother as Benji seems to think he should. They both really demonstrated a degree of selfishness this season along with an lack of communication and a lack of willingness to understand or even try to understand each other’s points of view and that is a recipe for disaster in any relationship.

There also exists the issue of Benji’s parents. His mother especially seems to overstep quite frequently and insert herself into his life where she was not invited or expected. I do wonder if this was always her personality or if this is something that started after Benji’s accident. I have a hunch it was likely the latter. I see indications that perhaps there was some neglect or just general indifference on his parents part as he was growing up. They clearly missed that he had started drinking heavily and that he stole his dad’s car that night. He was also evidently dating Derek for quite a while before the accident. (Derek is another section by himself though.) This not to mention the fact that his father took him to a strip club and paid for a lap dance when he was no more than sixteen if he was even that old, in an effort to turn him straight. Benji tells Victor in episode 1x7 that he and his dad used to be close and that they used to go to Dollywood on road trips and other such things, but that he’s been distant since he came out. We see from the scene where he walks in on Benji and Victor making out that he’s not vocally/outwardly homophobic, but I would not doubt that he still harbors some of those viewpoints in himself. It’s evident to me that Benji is not close to his parents (he may once have been, but at this point it’s pretty clear that he’s not anymore). Benji doesn’t have siblings to the best of our knowledge. It’s also mentioned that his nana (like a paternal grandmother) is deceased, so it’s really not clear how much contact he even has with his extended family or how much of one exists. For these reasons, in his mind, there is no circumstance where his family (especially not his parents) would take precedence of his own happiness or Victor’s. That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him that Victor doesn’t stand up to Isabel, because if the roles were reversed, he would have no problem at all telling his own mother (or father) off. He doesn’t seem to comprehend Victor’s need to keep his relationship with his mother intact. I’m very glad Isabel pointed out to him that Victor has stood up to her and risked their relationship for him, but the disconnect still lies in that Benji isn’t a fan of the fact that he didn't’ do that in his presence and that he didn’t do more.

Then there’s Derek. Derek is at least a sophomore in college in season 2 as he was clearly in college in season 1 as well. Meaning he is at least 19/20 when Benji is 16/17. They had been together for a year the previous spring (episode 1x6) which means they started dating when Benji was 15 and Derek was no younger than 18 (I think he is like at least a year older than the youngest possibility). Georgia’s age of consent is 16, and there are no ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in place in the state meaning it is categorically illegal for anyone 18 years of age or older to engage in sexual acts with anyone 15 years of age or younger unless they are legally wed, meaning until Benji’s 16th birthday, this relationship was illegal in general not to mention the predatory nature of someone in college dating a high school sophomore to begin with. They generally don’t prosecute if the people involved are within 4 years of each other though (which coincides with ‘Romeo and Juliet’ laws in other states) which they could’ve been within depending on Derek’s actual age and birthday. It doesn’t seem like charges were filed either way which is questionable on Benji’s parents part. Benji also tells Victor in 1x10 that Derek made him feel bad a lot of the time about the things he like and about being a romantic, we also see Derek crap all over Benji’s special anniversary date in 1x6. The toxicity of that relationship is sure to have left it’s mark on Benji and carried over into his new relationship with Victor. I also find it questionable that knowing that, Benji was shitting all over Victor’s love for basketball at one point (isn’t that exactly what he complained about Derek doing to him about his interests?), though as you see in my earlier comments, I do understand that perhaps Benji wasn't’ fully aware that Victor actually liked basketball and wasn’t just doing it to seem straight/make his dad happy/etc. I also think it’s quite confusing that Victor managed to come up with that date idea for Benji in 1x6 and then the best he could do for Benji’s birthday was champagne and sex? I’d be more than marginally hurt over that if I was Benji, to be completely fair. It is also worth it to note that Benji stayed with Derek for over a year despite all of their problems (which goes back to the possibility of co-dependency issues) and yet he was willing to break up with him just to chase after the possibility of Victor. They had already connected on so many levels even prior to that night that even the possibility of that relationship made Benji willing to leave someone he’d been with for more than a year (obviously Victor’s little speech in the hallway played a part in that).

Benji’s Priorities:

In Benji’s world, he has a few things that could be considered priorities.

Maintaining his sobriety is obviously one, but he keeps that separate from everything else. I don’t see it being held above or below anyone or anything. It’s just a completely separate thing to him (which again I feel he needs to reconcile). He was able to do that while also appeasing his friends and Victor (see episode 2x4 where he switches out his cups).

His music/band is obviously a priority, but again that’s something basic that everyone knows about and accepts. He doesn’t have choose between that and anything or anyone else that we’re shown.

Victor is his primary priority however. To him, that is the most important relationship/person in his life. He doesn’t know what he’d do without him. He says he loves that part of his life which I take to mean, he loves who he is when they’re together and not so much when they’re apart. To him, there is no question of who he would choose if there was a choice in front of him between Victor and literally anyone else (including his parents). That is why it confuses/hurts/angers him when the choice isn’t so simple for Victor when he actually has to make one between Benji and Isabel. Benji isn’t close with his parents and he doesn’t seem to understand what it is like for someone that is. Even if his parents didn’t come around right away. Even if they still may not be fully on board with everything, it didn't’ matter that much to him, because he could stand up to them because he didn’t care about destroying a relationship, because there already wasn’t much of one to begin with. This leads to him not understanding that Victor is seriously conflicted in the moments where he is made to choose between his boyfriend and his mother, because to Benji that choice is crystal clear. Again, they could really do with an honest conversation about this where Benji actually listens and tries to understand where Victor’s coming from, because right now, I think he just doesn’t quite get it. It’s clear that Isabel’s speech at Brasstown helped him to understand or at least start to, and obviously now that Isabel isn’t so much of an obstacle everything becomes a little easier, but it is still something that I really feel they need to discuss and understand about each other.

In conclusion:

Both of these boys need therapy (individual, family, and couples), and they would really benefit from a lot more open and honest communication where they both are able to speak honestly about their needs and desires as well as both being able to listen to and understand (or try to at least) one another.

71 notes · View notes