#that you shouldn't ask me to choose between reality and a made up (no matter how fucked up) world when holiday season is coming up x)

[this-is-krikkit]

Would you rather…

1. Live in a version of our world, where AOT no, all anime, does not exist.

2. Live in Paradis, with all the characters and titans and drama, and no knowledge that the world beyond the walls exists.

hm. either way, i don't get access to anime (which means no YOI, no BD, not any of the few others i've watched since then) since they don't exist in Paradis, right?

so essentially, you're asking me to pick between "Hange Zoë exists in the same universe as me but i'll probably die by getting enrolled in the Scouts just for a chance to get close to them", vs "no Hange Zoë at all, nothing, not even the fictional idea of them."

hold my lollipop and engrave my empty coffin, buddy, cause the choice is all but made! 🐎⚔️🪽

[yk-4]

YOUR LIPS, MY LIPS, APOCALYPSE

w. haitani rindou

ⓘ rindou reminiscing your first kiss. short n' sweet. sfw. slight angst. hint of rindou smoking. heavy depictions of anxiety. song : apocalypse by cigarettes after sex.

—

rindou's grip tightened on the steering wheel, the worn leather cool beneath his fingertips. the familiar scent of asphalt filled the cab of his beat-up toyota truck, a stark contrast to the sweet memory that flooded his mind. he wasn't sure why he was remembering it all now, driving through the deserted streets that lead to your place, the moonlight casting a shadow on his face. it was the fleeting moment of a summer long past, the one that made him believe that maybe, he deserved you after all. maybe.

it still haunts him, the way the air hung heavy with the scent of sunbaked asphalt—a familiar aroma that clung to the old skatepark like a second skin. vandalisms of frat names, scrawled in bold spray paint, marred the concrete ramps, a testament to the place's rowdiness. but you were oblivious to it all, your gaze fixed on the sunset that painted the sky before you. he watched you, too, captivated by the way the hues of orange danced on your eyes. and then, in that moment of shared stillness, his cigarette-stained voice broke the silence, a low murmur that sent a shiver down your spine. "i wanna kiss you so bad," he said, his words hanging in the air like a whispered confession. fuck!

"y-you wanna kiss me?" you asked, your voice barely a whisper. the question hung in the air, confirming his fears, he felt his cheeks burned. he tried to compose himself, meeting your gaze, but the words caught in his throat.

then your eyes met his, under the soft glow of the golden hour. and the world seemed to fade away in that fleeting moment, your breaths mingling in the warm air. damn it! a sudden surge of determination replaced his hesitation. your sweaty foreheads touched as he leaned closer, his lips brushing against yours.

just a little taste, he promised himself.

but he should have known better than that.

all his reservations were long gone. no, he didn't care anymore. didn't care that he was a delinquent, didn't care that he couldn't give you a normal life. all that mattered was you, the promise of something real.

you pull away, breathless and dazed.

he swore under his breath, your eyes sparkled under the golden hour. his heart skipped a beat when your eyes met his again. and then you smile, like you were in love with him too—and maybe you were.

realization dawned on him, "i'm sorry, i shouldn't have-"

"no, i really wanted to kiss you too." you interrupted, your voice soft but firm.

a silent hope bloomed in his chest. he was sure that this memory would haunt him forever, even if it was fleeting and ultimately unfulfilled.

he let out a deep sigh, as he let the memory wash over him. now he wonders if it haunts you too.

the thought of losing you, after all this time, sent a jolt of anxiety through him. he needed to fix things between you, to make up for neglecting you these past few days. tokyo manji gang was a constant drain on his time, taking him away from you. your cold, short replies to his messages stung his heart, and right now, you wouldn't even answer any of his calls.

"you know you can't have her, rin. people like us don't deserve good things like that. what kind of life are you going to give her anyway?" his brother's words echoed in his mind, a cruel reminder of the reality he couldn't escape.

ran was right, but rindou shouldn't have to choose between you and the life he'd always known. he wanted to be with you more than anything, and he knew he couldn't have both. the weight of reality pressed down on him, a heavy burden he couldn't shake.

the cool night air did little to soothe the heat of his anxiety as he pulled up to your parents' house. he reached over and grabbed a handful of pebbles from the floorboard, the rough texture grounding him in the present moment. he started throwing them at your window, aiming for a gentle tap, just enough to let you know he was outside. but there was no response. sudden images of you with another man gnawed at him, a relentless ache in his chest.

he climbed up to your window and knocked gently, his heart pounding in his ears. you were there, your tear-stained cheeks a testament to your pain. his heart sank. how long had you been crying because of him?

"love," he called out, his voice hoarse with emotion. he gently pushed open the window, his heart aching at the sight of your back turned towards him, your face buried in the pillow. seeing him, you sobbed harder.

"shh, stop crying now, sweetheart. please talk to me," he whispered, gently rubbing your back. his touch, usually so comforting, seemed to only intensify your sobs. you clung to him, your body trembling with unspoken emotions, and he held you close, his heart aching with the weight of your pain. "what's wrong, love?" he asked, his voice laced with concern.

"i've missed you so much, rin! how long are we going to be like this? i-i don't think i can take it anymore," you cried into his shoulder, your voice thick with despair. the words, laced with a desperation he hadn't heard before, pierced his heart. he could hear it in your voice, the slow, agonizing process of giving up on him, and it filled him with a cold dread. rindou tried to compose himself, taking a deep breath and reaching into his pocket. he pulled out a folded piece of paper, a card perhaps.

"look," he said, his voice firm with determination. "i want to be a man you can be proud of, a man you can bring home to your parents. i won't let us be like this forever. because i have dreams for us." he unfolded the paper, revealing the acceptance letter. "i got accepted into your school. i'm going to leave the delinquent life behind, so i can give you a proper life."

his words washed over you like a wave of relief. you leaned into him, your heart swelling with a love that felt both fragile and fiercely strong. you kissed him instantly, the taste of your tears mingled with the warmth of his lips. he was changing for you. he was choosing you. he was willing to fight for a future with you. rindou deepened the kiss, savoring every corner of your mouth.

"i love you," you managed to whisper between the kiss. his hands cupped your face, his thumbs gently tracing the outline of your cheekbones, a silent promise of his devotion. "i love you more than anything." he replied.

—

[aishangotome]

Elbert Greetia: Chapter 1

The sound of lapping waves fills the quiet room where I pierce a butterfly's back with a needle.

––Another beautiful thing acquired.

I gaze, as if in prayer, at the vivid scales of the butterfly, its wings spread wide within a frame.

With this, surely, the "two of us" can be happy.

Surely, surely––

-

One night and then another has passed since I witnessed a sight I shouldn't have in midnight London.

Though I escaped death by fulfilling my duty as a "Fairytale Keeper," time has passed without any sense of reality, and once again, I find myself in the darkness of night.

––I am about to accompany Crown on a mission for the first time.

-

Roger: Is the inn around the next corner the one in question?

Alfons: According to the information we received beforehand, yes.

Elbert: .......

Roger, Alfons, and Lord Elbert---

I was walking through London, shrouded in night, with my three companions.

Kate: A certain inn is being used as a temporary storage for stolen art... right?

As a "Fairytale Keeper," my role is to closely observe the actions of Crown, who is "cursed," and record their sins.

(I want to fulfill my duties properly, gain their trust, and be released.)

(My heart hasn't caught up yet... but I have to try.)

Roger: Lil lady, don't be so stiff.

Alfons: We're just going to investigate the situation, so there won't be any bloodshed.

... I'm sure of it.

Elbert: ..........

Kate: Thank you for your concern, Roger, Alfons.

(That's right... if my job is to record the sins of the "cursed," I need to know about their "curse.")

Kate: May I ask what kind of "curse" you all have...?

Alfons: Hehe, Miss Robin is quite the eager learner.

Alfons: Lord Elbert is the "Greedy Queen," Roger is the "Betrayer's Huntsman," and I am cursed by the "Mirror."

Kate: Queen, Huntsman, Mirror...

Alfons: Is it fate that those who appear in the same fairy tale should meet?

Roger: Haha. Team Snow White, eh?

Alfons: I find it very unpleasant to be lumped in with you.

Roger: Don't say that. Right, lil lady?

Kate: A-ahaha. Yes...

The two of them speak to me in a friendly manner.

I'm grateful for their kindness, but I can't help but force a smile.

(It's a fact that these people commit sins on a daily basis...)

(No matter what, I'm scared to look them in the eye and talk)

Elbert: ...What's wrong?

Kate: ...Huh?

Elbert: You stopped walking.

Lord Elbert's words made me realize that I had unknowingly created distance between myself and the others.

Except for Lord Elbert, who stopped for me, the other two kept walking ahead.

Elbert: ...Are you alright?

Kate: I'm sorry, I was spacing out...! I was lost in thought.

Elbert: I see. ...Be careful not to get lost.

Just as I was about to start walking again--

Elbert: ....!

A passerby bumped into Elbert.

Drunk Man: Hmm? What's this? A pretty boy, huh?

The man, barely able to stand upright, was clearly drunk.

Elbert: ........

Drunk Man: Let's have a drink, pretty boy. Your treat. Hahahaha!

Elbert: ...I'm sorry. I'm in a hurry.

Drunk Man: Oh? What's this? You wanna get that pretty face messed up?

Elbert was surprisingly unresisting as the drunk man clung to him.

(Something seems rather ominous...should I call Roger and Alfons back?)

Kate: U-Um...!

The next moment, anxiety and questions swirled in my head.

Drunk Man: Ugh...sob...why did you leave me...Eliza...sob...

Kate: ...Huh?

The man who was clinging to Elbert suddenly collapsed on the spot, crying.

(Why all of a sudden...?)

Alfons: What a ridiculous ability, as always.

Alfons, who had somehow turned back, approached Elbert and laughed, looking highly amused.

Kate: A ridiculous ability...you mean, Lord Elbert's?

Alfons: Yes. It awakens the saddest memories of the person whose shadow he steps on.

Alfons: In other words, it makes the person incredibly depressed and downcast.

Roger: The ability works better on people with painful experiences, but the difficulty lies in choosing the right target.

Kate: Downcast...

I stared at the man who still couldn't stand up, just crying on the roadside like a child.

(This is Lord Elbert's power.)

Having just witnessed William's devastating power that could force people to commit suicide, it seemed like a very small power.

But--.

Elbert: ...I'm in a hurry. ...I'm sorry.

Elbert, who had used that seemingly trivial power on the drunk man, looked sad, as if he had committed some cruel sin.

(...That's a bit unexpected.)

(I wonder if the cursed people aren't used to using their powers either.)

Elbert: ...Let's go.

As we passed each other, Elbert's hair gleamed under the streetlights.

I was unconsciously captivated by his golden hair flowing in the night breeze and his melancholic profile.

(...What a beautiful person.)

His beauty was so overwhelming that I momentarily forgot the fear I had for the upcoming mission.

Alfons: Now, it was the alley ahead, wasn't it? The inn we were aiming for.

Elbert: Yes.

It was Roger who tilted his head, looking at the dimly lit alley.

Roger: Something's strange. It should have been a cheap inn with quite a few guests.

Roger: ...There's only one heartbeat.

Kate: A heartbeat...?

Even if I strain my ears, all I can hear is the faint sound of the wind.

Alfons: Exceptional hearing is this man's ability.

Roger: Within a distance of about 100 yards, I can accurately tell who is where without even looking.

Kate: That's amazing... But does that mean there's only one person at the inn?

Roger: Well, that's what it comes down to.

Kate: How could that be...?

Alfons: There's only one way to find out.

As we turned the corner into the alley where the back entrance of the inn was located--

(...!!)

--a gruesome scene unfolded before us.

Several blood-soaked people were lying in the alley.

A vast expanse of blood stretched across the hallway, visible through the open back door of the inn.

Kate: ...Ah--

My instincts were screaming at me to run away.

But my feet were frozen in place, as if glued to the ground.

At that moment--

I was pulled back forcefully, and the blood-stained scene vanished.

Kate: ...!?

My cheek was pressed against a soft, high-quality fabric.

(A blue cravat.)

Kate: Lord Elbert...?

I finally realized Elbert was holding me and tried to look up, but his hand was stronger, restraining my movement.

Elbert: ––You don't need to see.

(Huh...?)

Elbert: ...Sad memories can easily kill you.

Elbert: You don't need to see.

A terribly sad voice whispered in my ear.

Elbert: You...have nothing to do with what's happening here.

Elbert: ...You don't have to carry burdens that you don't need to.

(Elbert...)

His voice was almost like a prayer.

I should be feeling protected by his arms, holding my head tightly, but for some reason, I felt like I was being clung to, and I hesitated to resist.

(Elbert...it's as if he's afraid of something.)

Roger: This is...the inn's employee and a guest.

Alfons: Judging by their clothes, there's no mistake.

As I listened to the two of them surveying the scene, still held in Elbert's embrace--

???: ...Ugh...sob...

(! A voice just now...!)

Roger's words, "There's only one heartbeat," came back to me.

Kate: E-Excuse me...!

Elbert: ....!

I instinctively pushed back against Elbert's chest and looked up.

As I glanced around, I could see a woman collapsed at the corner of the alley, faintly moving.

(It's her...!)

Kate: Are you alright...!?

Roger: She's not dead yet, but she's in danger.

Roger, who had rushed to her before me, frowned and coughed.

Roger: She needs immediate treatment. We need to get her to a nearby hospital--

Roger: .....!

Kate: Roger? What's wrong?

Roger: The police are coming. Two...no, three of them.

(Police...?)

Alfons: Then, there's no point in staying here. Let's get out of here.

(What!? )

Kate: What about this woman--?

Roger: Our mission is confidential. We have no choice but to hide for now.

Seeing his frustrated profile, I knew Roger didn't want this either, and I swallowed my protest.

(But what if the police don't notice her...?)

I quickly took out my handkerchief and hooked it onto the lamp directly above her.

(This shouldn't be enough to identify me. I hope they notice her soon...)

Praying for her safety, I followed the three of them into hiding.

-

After observing from a short distance for a while--

We saw the woman from earlier being quickly taken away by the police who had arrived.

Kate: ...Thank goodness...

(...I hope she's alright.)

Elbert: ..............

-

--That day's investigation had to be cut short, and we returned to the castle.

But I couldn't eat the food brought to my room, nor could I sleep...

To change my mood, I was walking alone in the vast garden.

(Tonight, I only witnessed the aftermath of someone committing a crime.)

(But someday, I might see such a scene created by the hands of Crown.)

(To write about that... Can I do it?)

While thinking about such things, I was walking along the path--

(...Elbert?)

I found Elbert, gazing absentmindedly at the flowers.

Bathed in the faint moonlight like a veil, his figure was like a painting, and I was once again captivated.

Elbert: Hmm...oh...it's you. Good evening.

Kate: Good evening, Lord Elbert...

Elbert seemed to sense something from my face and tilted his head melancholically.

Elbert: ...Can't sleep?

Kate: ...Yes. So I'm taking a walk to change my mood.

Elbert: I see...

Kate: What are you doing here, Lord Elbert?

Elbert: Me too...something like that. I'm a light sleeper by nature.

Kate: I see...

Elbert: So...I can at least keep you company while you can't sleep.

Kate: .......!

His gentle, comforting words eased my mind.

(If it were last night, I might have been wary of this kindness and declined...)

Kate: ...Thank you.

Aware of my fading wariness, I took a step closer to Elbert.

(That's right...I haven't properly thanked him for earlier.)

Kate: Thank you for protecting me earlier.

Elbert: ...No. ...In the end, I showed you a cruel sight.

Kate: I wanted to see it. Don't worry about it.

I tried to sound cheerful, but Elbert looked at me and narrowed his eyes as if in pain.

Elbert: If you hadn't been taken to that place...you wouldn't have tried to see it.

Elbert: You're different from us. ...You shouldn't have come here.

Elbert: ...Sin doesn't suit you.

Elbert's emotions don't show much on the surface. Even so...

In his eyes, like the depths of a deep sea, I could see pure compassion, without a trace of cloudiness.

(You are the one who doesn't suit sin.)

At that time--

Even though there were no knives or bullets pointed at me, and there was no danger to my life, he tried to protect me.

(Surely...so that my heart wouldn't be hurt by the cruel sight.)

(The strength of his arms at that time.)

(It was as if he was afraid of me getting hurt.)

(If he were someone who felt nothing about that scene, he surely wouldn't have done that.)

I realized again the obvious fact that the people of Crown, just like me, feel fear, anxiety, and sadness.

Kate: You're kind, Lord Elbert.

Elbert: ...That's not true.

To value people's feelings. That was my goal in life.

(I chose the job of a mail carrier for that reason.)

(No matter what sins Elbert and the others may commit, I want to understand their feelings and--)

Kate: ...Thank you for your concern.

Kate: But this time, you don't have to protect me.

Elbert: ...Why?

Kate: I may learn many things that I'd be happier not knowing.

Kate: But I want to know...what you all are thinking, as you face those things.

I smiled, wanting to respond to Elbert's kindness in some way--

Elbert: .............

Elbert stared at me without blinking.

(...?)

His gaze was unusually intense, and I suddenly felt uneasy.

(Oh...was it rude of me to say "you don't have to protect me" when he's worried about me?)

His already overwhelming beauty seemed to become even more intimidating when he fell silent, and I unconsciously held my breath.

Kate: Um...

Elbert: ...Stay still.

Suddenly closing the distance between us, Elbert gently stroked my hair.

Elbert: ...There was a flower petal in your hair.

Kate: ...Oh.

Kate: Thank you...

(...I see. He was just looking at the flower petal.)

(That's good...)

Calming my racing heart, I quietly moved away from Elbert.

Kate: Well then, excuse me. I should get some sleep for tomorrow.

Elbert: .........Can you sleep?

Kate: Yes, thanks to you, Lord Elbert.

Elbert: I see...that's good.

Elbert: ...Good night, Kate.

Kate: Good night, Lord Elbert.

(...I wonder why.)

(I can't get Elbert's gaze from earlier out of my head...)

His deep blue eyes were burned into the back of my eyelids.

Even after I turned away, it felt like his gaze was following me from behind--

My chest felt strangely uneasy.

-

The next morning, my steps towards the dining hall were lighter than yesterday.

Kate: Good morning.

William: Good morning. ...You look well this morning.

Roger: See? She came, didn't she?

Alfons: I guess I lost the bet.

Kate: W-Were you betting on that...?

Alfons: Yes. I bet that you would be tearing up curtains and tying them together to escape through the window by now.

(He thought I'd be escaping...)

Liam: This morning, we have Victor's special extra buttery scones! Kate, are you hungry?

Kate: Yes! I missed dinner yesterday, so I'm starving.

Alfons: Hehe, you're surprisingly resilient.

(I'm still a little nervous...but I think I can manage.)

This morning, after deciding to face their feelings, I was able to look at everyone's faces more directly than yesterday.

As I started eating, talking with everyone, Elbert stared at me intently.

Elbert: ...Al, is she beautiful?

Alfons: No, not at all?

Elbert: ..............Is that so?

Alfons: ...........

Alfons: This could be a bit...troublesome.

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 2

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[floosies]

Salvatore

pairing: mob!jake lockley x oc!fem

warnings: slow burn, pining, cursing, mentions of violence, future smut, mentions of dr*gs 18+ ONLY

tagging: @lex-the-flex

"I don't need the world to see that I've been the best I can be, but I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me..."

4.

Everyone who knew Jake, knew that he did a good thing by all accounts but given the lifestyle he was in, there would have to be consequences for his outburst. At least that was what Rogers bullshitted out when he went to go talk to the guy. In reality he was happy someone put the guy in place.

Although he wondered if it was more than just to do with the fact that it was Barnes' name. He gave Jake a good stare down, "its better to be honest with me than to have to face her uncle." Choosing his words wisely, he shrugged, "she's a nice lady is all." Rogers rolled his eyes, "yeah and I'm the king of England." Still Lockley wasn't that kind of guy, even if it was more than what he was leading on.

Nothing really came from the matter, but he was told he could no longer attend events where the prick who was talking shit was going to be at. Which honestly was fine with him, he didn't like those people anyways.

-

A month after all that had happened at the benefit it was beginning to near time for another one of the meetings. This time he was more eager to actually attend. He would never admit it, but he wanted to know if she would want to see him seeing as she probably already knew. Still he hadn't heard anything from the Barnes family. Really his main concern was coming from the Russian who he had recently started working with.

Alicia expected him to get there early as he always did so she made sure to have things ready. In the itinerary there was a mention of Romanoff wanting to bring up a concern which she hoped was nothing serious.

The ring of the doorbell stopped her overthinking. One of her uncle's maids got to the door before her but she went to greet him anyways.

Her smile was something he hadn't really seen until now, "hey. Early, as always." She nodded, "I thought you would be so I made coffee while you wait for everyone else." She led him to the kitchen where it was.

As he poured his mug she took her chance, "I wanted to say thank you for taking care of that." He shrugged, but gave her back a half smile, "he shouldn't have been talking shit." She chuckled, "trust me they all do." He shook his head, "yeah but they don't know the shit you went through."

That comment made her tense up, "what do you mean by that?" Shit, "nothing bad. I mean your uncle he told me the story. I just wanted to know the truth-" she cut him off "so you went behind my back to know something about me?" He should have just kept his mouth shut but it was too late.

"You weren't going tell me the truth. If i'm supposed to be part of this group, I don't want secrets. I get now why you don't like to talk about it-" she was thinking faster than she could talk, "so you punching that guy wasn't out of respect for my family so much as it was because you feel bad for me? You think i'm weak." The anger and disappointment in her voice was very clear.

How did he end up with his words twisted, "no. I respect that you were able to survive all of that and still choose to live in this kind of life. I punched that creep because he was disrespecting you as a person. I never said you were weak and I don't think that. Que tienes?" She didn't buy it, "but thats not what you were thinking, was it?" He sighed, "I really don't want bad blood between us, we're friends and I was sticking up for you." It wasn't enough, "I'm sorry I went to your uncle looking for your story alright?"

Truth be told, she didn't want to lose his closeness either. Taking a deep breath she calmed herself, "I accept your apology. Next time just ask me for the truth if you need it that badly." She left him there after that, if she focused on her work instead it would calm her down.

-

The meeting went on smoothly as usual, until it came down to the personal concerns and request part, where Romanoff had asked to speak on something. Her concern came from an outside source, it had to do with where her product was headed with regard to Jake's routes.

Lockley couldn't believe the shit he was hearing. He rolled his eyes, "you get your money back and then some. The product goes to whoever purchases it off my men." She didn't care, her concern was in the consumer as she feared ties to well off people. He was beyond irritated by then, "yeah no shit. Rich kids like snow, also its gotta be against some code or some shit to have 'outside sources'" he mentioned with air quotations.

Alicia and the others could sense that it was only going to get more tense if they didn't intervene. So she did as she had done at the start of all this, she intervened, "alright. Both of you need to calm down. There is protocol." Her uncle nodded, signaling for her to take the lead. She looked at Romanoff first, "we've agreed no outsiders unless we all know them and trust them. Where did you get your information?" Jake was waiting to see what came out of the Russian's mouth.

It'd come from her 'sister' and as she said explained it all everyone around the table scoffed or sighed rubbing their face. As Alicia explained, she was a rogue who worked for pay, no matter who was paying. This only further pissed off Lockley. It was bad enough he had fought with Alicia, now he had to deal with rich people gossiping about his work.

They came to an agreement which was simply that they wouldn't work together anymore. He wished he could have said that to all of them. Alicia could see the anger in his eyes, there was no masking his frustration and while she knew they'd fought earlier this was something else and she didn't want him to make the wrong move. As soon as her uncle closed the meeting and they all got up to go into the dining room, she followed close behind Jake as he headed for the door. Her uncle and Rogers watched glanced at her, she waved them off. They only hoped she could help the situation, no doubt in their minds that she was the only voice of reason for him.

Once outside the home she began to speak, "I know you're upset with what happened in there but don't act on impulse." He really didn't want her advice right now and he didn't want to look at her either. He kept walking towards his car, "I know you mean well but go inside and enjoy your dinner niña." Her stubbornness said no, "Jake sometimes you just have to let them win." He turned around and looked her up and down, "when you have everything handed to you its easy to say that type of shit. I have blood on my hands and people who don't have anyone looking out for them except for me and my men. Save your wise guy impression for the next dumbass." He barely finished his sentence before she smacked him. He didn't say anything but the look on his face said it all.

She watched as he took off, not sure and with no real care if she would ever see him again.

[annonmaly]

Spoilers Ahead!

Hi, fellow bored humans! Today is another day to set aside our real-life problems and overthink matters about fictional situations. Because why not? Mochijun-Sensei can make us do that. So, last time I made a post questioning Misha's knowledge of Vani's self-hypnotism. So before anything else, I want to thank you guys who took the time to read, liked, and replied to that post. It is fun to read ideas that even I can not think about.

Grab a cup of coffee and be prepared for a long-ass non-sense.

I am calling human Vanitas = Vani, and Luna = Luna. The pronoun I use is "she" because I would not confuse myself. I know Luna said she is an enby so, do not fight me.

Today, I want to talk about Luna and her death. I know that we have too little information in our hands right now, but my brain cells can still assume something based on what we have. This thought came about with the premise that Luna is an Archiviste.

I can't think of anything that happened to them "that day", but I have a theory of why Vani killed Luna. To make things clear, I will summarize my assumptions and list them down. I made an explanation of each point. Supposedly, those would come first but I didn't expect it to be so long, that's why I decided to just put it at the end. You could ignore it if you want. Check it out if you are curious.

Luna is an Archiviste

Vani is protecting memory from his early childhood

Vani casts the hypnotism while/after he was training to be a chasseur but before Luna's death

Luna bit Vani the day she died

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Here is the idea: I think Vani killed Luna because she forced herself to drink Vani's blood for whatever reason and the self-hypnotism activated. Sound farfetched? Because it is, but I'll show you why I thought it this way.

This is my one and only proof. The eyes are almost the same, right? See, I told you I could make a long-ass post just from two panels. The left one is from the Bal-Masque arc before Vani made a scene. The right one is before Vani and Noe's death fight. I believe that Vani's hypnotism is triggered in both pictures. I actually hesitated if I should do this since Mochijun-Sensei really loves including similarities in the story. You see, Astolfo and Misha made the same eye. But all three of them have the same eyes the moment they thought about why they would kill a vampire.

Vani - to not allow anyone to steal his memory

Astolfo - because vampires shouldn't even exist

Misha - Noe didn't drink Vani's blood.

So yeah, whatever, I'll go ahead and write this one. Vani would be the main focus of this thing.

1. The way Vani's hallucination phrased this is interesting. We know Vani's father died protecting him. What about Luna? If Vani killed Luna intentionally or because of hate, she did not die "because" of Vani. Vani killed her. There's a difference between the two. Behind all that facade that Vani is showing, he's kind. He's not someone who could just kill anyone without any reason when he's in the right mind. Especially if that someone is the one who became his guardian and is helping him to find a cure to make his body normal. Initially, I thought that Luna had gone wild and reach the point of no return. That's why Vani had no other choice. Though if this is the reason, Luna still did not die because of Vani. Now, this phrase would only be right if Luna died protecting Vani or if something happened to Vani. How could this happen if she was killed by the one she's protecting. So, what if, instead of Luna going wild, Vani is the one breaking down. Thus, Luna had really no choice but to make Vani her kin. If she's an archiviste and Vani already casted the hypnotism. It would be triggered and so he had no choice but to kill Luna.

"You give yourself someone to protect that's why you're weak." -Vani to Jeanne

If Luna didn't save Vani and Misha, she might still be alive. If she chose to abandon or kill Vani (when Vani loses his mind), she might still be alive. But Luna chose to save him by making him her kin. She handicapped herself by choosing to protect Vani and she died by doing so.

2. Maybe Luna doesn't want to use this method because it involves blood drinking to leave her mark. If she's an Archiviste, perhaps her reason is the same as Noe does not drink blood "She doesn't want to look at anyone's memory without permission".

3.Vani was never an honest and straightforward guy. If there is someone/thing he wants to protect he wouldn't say it outright. Sometimes we would go full on beast mode, just to hide his real agenda. It already happened a lot (reread the manga for examples). So maybe the reason he strongly disagrees is that he knows that once Luna tries to bit her he would lose his mind and try to kill her.

4. This is just so heartbreaking. Look at how he cried. I think this is not a cry of relief. Vani is crying out of frustration. It's not because he wanted to kill Noe. For me, it's like Vani is saying "I killed Luna, why can't I kill now." I mean, he realized that this ordeal could be solved without killing the other party. But why didn't it happened before?

This is just a half baked theory so of course there are still things that could negate these panels:

If Luna is talking with Vani here, she makes him her kin even before dying. Since everything is so calm. Though I would ignore reality and think that Luna is talking with Misha here. I think that Misha became her kin first since he is breaking down first.

The flashback of Misha shouting at Vani, maybe this is just hallucinations. But if this is true, it means that they spent some time together after Luna's death. And yeah, all of this would be meaningless.

Explanation of each point

1. Luna is an Archiviste. The theory is already out there, so I wouldn't explain it anymore.

2. Vani is protecting memory from his early childhood & 3. Vani casts the hypnotism while/after he was training to be a chasseur but before Luna's death. Going back to my previous post, I mentioned that it is strange for Misha to know that Vani hypnotized himself if Luna is the one who begged Vani to not let anyone take his memory on her deathbed because:

a. The timeline doesn't coincide. The chance that Misha and Vani separated "that day" which is I believe the same day as Luna's death is high. So, there's no way Misha could know.

b. Misha forgot what happened "that day". However, it's not like Vani doesn't want Misha to remember. I don't know but I feel like everything would be civil if Misha didn't mention that he wants to revive Luna. That is the moment everything went a wrong turn.

It is likely that Luna already asked Vani days before "that day" and her death. The problem is if the three are together "why did she only ask Vani and not Misha?". Maybe, Luna and Vani have a shady secret that they don't share with Misha as he's too young. However, if the secret has something to do with Luna, Vani won't even mention something relating to it to Misha, I mean the kid knows exactly the trigger of self-hypnotism. Maybe Luna is not the one who asked Vani. I believe that someone already asked Vani before he entered the church to train as a chasseur. But "who" asked Vani is not my problem today it is "when".

So in short, I suppose that the memory Vani is protecting is something that only he knows at the moment, and it did not happen recently but goes way back in his early childhood. As retracexcviii pointed out, it looks like that the self-hypnotism technique Vani used is the same as what the chasseurs. So, Vani knows this technique way back before he became a lab rat.

Continuing on...

Don't judge but I wasted a considerable amount of time digging information about Vani's childhood (yup, I don't have a life outside). And I found nothing concrete that could help, however, as I said, I could make something out of what we have. So here we go.

In Vani's delirium due to high fever he finally opens up and we had a peak of his life before everything. There's nothing much here, just a simple story, but let's overanalyze this:

a. In the era they’re living in, vampires are not allowed to attack humans. People are even treating them as folklore or old people's tall tales. Thus, random vampire attacks are seldom. The attacks that we heard are from the cursed ones (e.g., Amelia and Thomas) or harboring resentment (I think this is why the vampires attacked Astolfo’s family). Well, the attack on Vani and co. may be a special case. Vani mentioned that chasseurs are hunting "dangerous" types of vampires that are rampaging in the human world. So, there may be a miscreant group of vampires somewhere that hates peace or being suppressed by humans. Right, Misha's mother was also killed by a vampire.

b. When Misha asked what's a band of traveling players then Luna answered that it's a bit like a circus. Vani answered that "It was nothing like...that formal". He hesitated for a moment, meaning, he wanted to say something different first, but he changed his mind. Or maybe he just can't find the right word. I know that someone already mentioned this, but did you know that according to Wikipedia "Charlatan is a seller of medicines who might advertise his presence with music and an outdoor stage show." Now that's another thing to add to Vani and Naenia's parallel.

c. Vani thinks that his father doesn't like it there very much. So, why stay even if his wife is dead? Even if Vani's father could not go back to his family, he could still opt to cut ties with the band and settle down somewhere. He's a doctor, it's not like they would be helpless if they leave. Travelling is not a safe choice if you think about it. Perhaps, he stayed in the memory of his wife? Or are there other reasons?

d. This guy didn't just come to Altus ones before. "No matter when I visit" he already visited during different periods. The times he possibly could go in Altus is before his father's death and after Luna's death. Maybe Luna's going in secretly for whatever reason. I just want to drop it here because it's interesting to take note of.

e. I'm not sure if I should include this since it may be Luna's influence, but Vani knows way too much about vampires and also the babel incident. Also, Ruthven's statement just gives me a weird feeling. Does it mean "You an average human are running around doing ridiculous things, so tell me about 'yourself', kin of the blue moon vampire"? Or "without the context of being the kin of the blue moon vampire, tell about yourself?" I think it is the latter meaning.

There's nothing important here that proves Vani's childhood should be kept as a secret. But this will do for now, I just want to establish that Vani is more than just kin to the Blue Moon Vampire. His childhood, his father, family, and that traveling players are also suspicious. (Why the hell do I find everyone in this series suspicious?!? oh, except Amelia and Riche).

4. Luna bit Vani the day she died. I can't come up with anything that happened "that day". Did Luna has gone wild? Did someone attack them? Did Vani and Misha lose their mind as an effect of that weird doctor's experiment? There's really nothing but I think that whatever happened "that day" led to Luna's leaving no choice but to drink Vani's blood, or to make Vani her kin. There has no explicit explanation of how you make one your kin, but I'm sure drinking blood is included in the process. They would only gain a mark if they were bitten.

I'm actually not done yet. I still have plenty to say, but this should end here now. This is already too long for me to handle. Does this make sense? Or is it confusing? Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong or tell me whatever you want to say.

So, if what Vani is saying is true, why do you think he killed Luna?

See ya' later folks!

Note: I wrote this to indulge my over-thinking self. This is just a random theory, thoughts, assumptions, and/or head-canons. Thank you for taking the time to read and understanding if I made any mistakes or post whatever it is you don’t agree on.

[punnybonessnas]

Hey boys, do you have any favorite memories to share of your special someone? Wedding moments don't count, you already shared! (and spec for or your swap boy) w. wha? Your brothers engaged??

sans

'well hey there nonny, nice change of pace ta' have an ask like this, kinda used ta' the ones tellin' us all we shouldn't be with our partners, not one givin' us an excuse ta' gush bout' em. i will absolutely take that invite, heh.'

‘let’s see.. kinda hard ta’ choose, we’ve made so many together. not ta’ be an absolute cheese bout’ it, but every day feels precious for one reason or another.’

‘ok, it’s.. gonna sound kinda weird, but if we’re talkin’ memories from before lulu was born.. i’m gonna have ta’ say one of the memories that means the most ta’ me.. has gotta be our first valentine’s day. not goin’ into complete detail, but we spent the night under the stars in my favorite gazin’ spot.. and i just.. let go. of everythin’ i’d kept to myself for years.. i entrusted her with secrets i once was sure that i was gonna take ta’ my grave. think it was.. the first time i fully accepted that we had a future.. when the past truly just became the past, instead of somethin’ we were doomed ta’ repeat. it was the hardest thing i’ve ever had ta’ do.. an’ the most painful.. because i knew in doing so, i was puttin’ the burden on her shoulders.. but since that night, we carry it together. an’ instead of breakin’ us, its only made us stronger for it.’

‘an’ with our cute lil’ tyrant, heh.. we need every bit of that patience and strength we share between us.’

Sparks

“MWEH HEH HEH! HELLO MY NONNY FRIEND! I HAVE SOOO MANY MEMORIES TO CHERISH OF MY BEAUTIFUL DOVE! SANS IS RIGHT, IT IS VERY HARD TO CHOOSE!”

“BUT I WILL FIRST ANSWER YOUR SIMPLER INQUIRY! YEEEES! SUNNY WAS PROPOSED TO BY MY VERY BEST FRIEND, AND FAVORITE IDOL, NAPSTA! THEY’VE BEEN LIVING TOGETHER AND DATING FOR A WHILE NOW, BUT I NEVER KNEW NAP WAS PLANNING ANYTHING! IT WAS ALL A VERY DELIGHTFUL SHOCK, MWEH!”

“I AM-.. Ahem.. Hoping that my brother will allow us to plan a wedding to officiate things, but as much as I’d love to make that a reality, it’s ultimately their choice of course, and you can’t get much more.. low-key than just the two of them eloping. And either way, it will be a very special honor to have Napsta as a brother-in-law, no matter the ceremony behind it, mweh!”

“Now as for a memory! I believe I’ll just go with the first thing that popped into my head! It was the night of Melody’s birth, it was a challenge to pay attention to much going around me when the pain really ramped up, but! I do remember very clearly how proud I was of Selen. It’s no secret that my mate struggles under pressure normally, her anxiety has a way of crippling her in times of duress, but she did SO WELL! She kept a level head and was so attentive all the way through, I truly believe things went so smoothly because I was able to fully focus my energy where it was needed most, she was fully present in the moment, and held it together until our souling was out and safely bubbled. Then she broke down and sobbed of course, but I was able to comfort her afterward. ..Up until I passed out holding her that is, eheh.. maybe not the most reassuring thing to do, all things considered.. Mweh! But it all turned out fine in the end!”

“..Hopefully I was able to reciprocate that with little Zoey’s birth this year, Heh.”

Bane

‘ok so.. i ain’t.. so versed in bein’ a sappy soft mess like the rest of em’.. but since i’m tryin’ to be less of an asshole lately.. m’not gonna tell ya ta’ fuck off either. i’ll just give ya somethin’ real short and simple. the memory that means the most ta’ me.. is the stupid fuckin’ bar fight that brought us togetha’. cuz the ways i sees it, if that hadn’t have happened, we wouldn’t have made any of the others, right? it’s kinda the.. cornerstone of everythin’ we got now, before that night we were more or less jus’ goin’ through the motions, freedom didn’t mean jack-shit when everythin’ felt jus’ as pointless and shitty as before.’

‘we were jus’ doin’ the same shit ta’ survive as before, not riskin’ nothin’ by steppin’ outta our comfort zone. i.. chose ta’ trust her, and vice versa. an’ ya.. no regrets on that impulsive leap fer’ once.’

 ‘..that’s all the sap yer’ gettin’ from me. now kindly fuck off.’

Erebus

“Hm.. this is a dangerous question. I’m not entirely sure what I’m “legally” permitted to share about my caustic oleander. Generally speaking, due to past events and the old nature of our societal restrictions, though abolished now, we still much prefer to keep our private life well, private. It’s still a very new concept that it’s safe to let.. others be aware of our sentiment toward one another.”

“So my favored memories? I will not be sharing. However, while at risk of retaliation, she is owed a bit of payback, and I would be remiss to let the opportunity pass me by.”

“This is something that has happened more than once, during the winter, that despite the reasoning for, I do find particularly amusing and endearing. Serina is prone to illness during the colder months on the surface, and because she is obstinate, I will usually find her still researching or in the midst of a project when she is supposed to be resting. At times, when she is startled by my visit, in the throes of her delirium, she will vacate her seat and seek refuge under her work desk, hissing and growling like a cornered cat. She will even use the chair to block herself in, to keep me from forcing her away from her latest obsession. ..And the medicine that accompanies, of course.”

“I’m not even entirely sure how self-aware she is when it gets to that point, should tell you all you need to know how stubborn she can be when it comes to her own well-being, but you can rest assured that I always win out in the end.”

“And now, I await my probable death. I hope that was satisfactory, grayface.”

Percy

“Wow, I triple the sentiment that it’s hard to pick a favorite, especially when you’ve known someone as long as I’ve known Rory.. to condense decades of experiences in your noggin, heh.. creates quite the headache. But it would be a little biased of me to choose anything recent, things felt just as meaningful when we met up in the multiverse by chance, so I don’t want to spurn those in favor of our relationship now.”

“Alright, I know it’s going really, really far back, so some of the detail is a little fuzzy, but.. I’m going to share how we first met, to be completely fair to our very checkered past.”

“I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before.. but I was assigned to track Rory through the multiverse, observe him, try and recruit him if the opportunity presented itself, and save what victims I could from the verses that he targeted. He wasn’t the first Error I’d been charged with, so I thought I knew what to expect, as opposites, Inks and Errors have a tendency to innately hate one another, and being tailed by an Ink during your spree of destruction doesn’t particularly make one any friendlier.”

“And that was the same for Rory. He was a newer Error, so I must’ve been the first Ink he’d ever come across. Typically.. that’s also grounds for being attacked right at the get-go, but this time.. I just got snapped at to leave him be, and he beat a hasty retreat out of the verse he’d been about to destroy. It was puzzling behavior.. I’d never had an Error flee without first trying to kill me, and I.. admittedly, didn’t have the best mindset at the time. I’d been known to.. bait aggressive Errors in the past, I didn’t care much for my own life, and it was.. exhilarating to fight them. I suppose I felt a little cheated, as stupid as that feels now, and rather than leaving the day on the first encounter.. as I’d been directed to, I tracked him down again.”

“Again, the barking but no bite, and he even went so far as to set up webbing traps when I pursued him into the verse, rather than getting violent as.. honestly, he’d be completely justified in doing at that point. Even though I was pushing him further than I’d pushed any of the others, nothing. I felt.. pretty guilty after that, assuming the worst of him when he’d subverted all my expectations. I got a pretty good scolding from Corey too, and I decided the next time I found him, I would prove to him that I was different too.”

“And, well.. seeing how far we’ve come now, I guess I did succeed in that eventually, heh.”

[thisdreamplace]

I need advice please 🥺

Everything was going well with my SP and he was showing interest in me and even seemed to want a relationship with me, I was sticking to my mental diet, but it gets very hard when opposing circumstances start to show up because I cannot think someone "loves me" when they've been ignoring every single text I send them. I've been sticking to my desire, but I can't help but notice what goes on and honestly I feel disrespected and like I shouldn't even answer back if he was to send me a message. I feel like answering him would be disrespectful to myself which would manifest into more and more disrespect (because I'm aware he's treating me like a doormat). And I have tried giving up on my him, but for some reason I keep thinking of him and wanting him no matter what.

Also, I've been focused on my self concept, but my view of myself in relation to him is neutral. I can't even think of it because it makes me anxious.

I've been trying to distract myself and feel better regardless of what's going on between him and I, but especially during nighttime I can't help but cry and feel like shit for wanting to manifest him. I don't know if I should text him asking if something's wrong because no good thought are coming to me rn.

Alright so, right off the bat you have to take a few steps back here. Sp manifestations can be so difficult sometimes, because out of all manifestations, they really call for us to let go of the old way of life the most. For example, you feeling disrespected. I know it's hard to want to accept, but this is showing you're operating as a victim in life. How can anyone make you feel disrespected? Only you can feel disrespected on your own accord. If you knew you had full autonomy over your life and the people in it, you wouldn't be able to victimize yourself in such a way. Instead, you would take responsibility knowing your sp is showing up like this because of the old story and you no longer identify with that story, so it's okay. You know it's going away and making room for the new story to start to play out. Even if it's painful, you can know this and it'll still come to pass. It's not about being happy all the time, but it's about coming back to that place of knowing.

I'm talking like this because you want your sp and you deserve to have him. So, in order to help you get to that place, I'm going to give you the advice you need to hear. It may not be the most comfortable thing, but you deserve to have what you want. I don't care what anyone says, your sp was made for you. But you have to allow that version of him you prefer to shine through. And you're keeping it away when you choose to play victim to the old story.

Your view of yourself in relation to him is not neutral at all. Neutrality means he could reply or not reply, and it wouldn't matter. If it was neutral, you wouldn't feel anxious thinking about it. It's important to be honest with ourselves when it comes to these sorts of things, because you just keep yourself in an unnecessary cycle if not. I cannot tell you what your true self concept is exactly, only you can. But in some ways, its unimportant. We really just need to know what we want and then focus on that.

Furthermore, you're playing a lot into the 3D. You only feel bad about wanting to manifest him because society said you should, you know? Like oh, you should never want a person who treats you this way or that way. But in reality, it's a victim based mindset, once again. If you know you're responsible for your experiences, then you know this person isn't trying to harm you at all. They're simply acting out the role you gave them! In that way, you're not wrong at all. Plus, it's actually beautiful to want a sp because you see something in them that you love and adore. And as we know, this world and everyone in it is a mirror of us. So that means you love yourself so much and see those lovely parts of yourself reflected in this person. It's a lovely thing, it's nothing to shame. But you have got to take back your power and stop giving it away to the old way of life. It has no room in the law of assumption.

So with all that being said, actually take a real step back. Really focus on yourself and your self concept in a way that builds yourself up. It's okay if right now it's hard, and you want to keep focusing on your sp. Don't fight that. Instead, gently refocus on yourself. Focus more on building inner confidence and faith in your abilities. The more you understand how you are the God of your reality, the easier the old way of thinking melts away. It's not real, it's not true and you don't have to hold that illusion in place anymore. It's time to let the lovely truth come into view. And that includes the desirable version of your sp.

Put Yourself First

Tough Love

Hopefully this is helpful! You got this! 💖

[babieyangyang10]

violent ends (chapter 2)

(chapter 2)

series masterlist

genre: hunger games!au

pairing: huang renjun x oc, na jaemin x oc

warnings: language, violent deaths, fighting, angst, fluff, + possible nsfw.

A/N: please keep in mind that events/ideas from the original hunger games franchise have been purposefully altered! thanks.

previous | next

"In the event of the uprising, each of the twelve districts must offer one boy and one girl tribute to participate in the Hunger Games, and must strictly be the ages of 12 through 18. The contestants will be put into an outdoor arena where they must survive all types of danger and fight to the death, or leave it up to nature. The last tribute standing wins. It is both a time for repentance and a time for thanks." explained the Mayor of my district. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he uses the same speech every year. Even after my seven years of attending reapings, the anticipation for them to actually announce the names never gets easier.

I know I'm not the only one. The girls standing around me either look like they're seconds away from throwing up their last meal or simply about to explode from excitement.

"In the past seventy-three Hunger Games, we have had numerous victors representing the great district two. The victor representing district two, who will now mentor the tributes is here today." The mayor teasingly paused, "He needs no introduction, please give a warm welcome for Lee Taeyong!"

I felt my body go cold, almost as if I were seeing a ghost. There he was, my older brother, standing on the stage. He was adorned in expensive clothes from the Capitol. Standing tall, his striking features could easily be intimidating. However, his expression was relaxed and pleased; taking in the love and admiration from the crowd. Just by looking at him, anyone could tell he was made for this.

They loved him.

"Now, please welcome to the podium, the Capitol representative for our district, Kim Doyoung." The Mayor stepped off to stand beside Taeyong. In his place, stood a man with royal blue hair and an outrageously yellow suit. He smiled brightly, despite receiving piercing silence from the crowd.

  He spoke cheerfully in the microphone, "Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor! Due to an overwhelming amount of volunteers in the past games, your leaders have collectively decided to choose their tributes, according to who best represents the district as a whole."

He grabs a card from the pockets of his suit. Leaning into the microphone, he explains, "Here, I have the names of your male and female tributes." He pauses, carefully glancing over the text in his hands.

    "Huang Renjun and Lee Athena."

I let out the air held captive in my lungs. The heads in front of me have turned around to observe. Unable to hide amongst the crowd any longer, Taeyong was staring at me. I struggled trying to read his expression, which was blank. I felt my chest sink to the floor, heavily. Shouldn't he be excited for me?

Suddenly, I felt a sharp tug on my arm.

"You might want to start moving. Seriously, you're looking pretty stupid right now. "

I turn to my left to see Renjun frowning at me, who has stepped out of the boy's side and into the middle aisle. Coming to my senses, I follow him as the Peacekeepers escort us to the stage.

"Here we are! Our tributes from district two." Doyoung announces in between Renjun and I.

  I hear a deep, familiar voice from behind me muttering a quiet, "Smile."

   Automatically, I change my shocked expression to a brighter one. Meanwhile, I  scan the cheering crowd's faces; taking in the mixed looks of joy, pity, and even jealousy.

"Well, aren't you two going to shake hands?" inquired Doyoung, stepping backwards.

   Turning to look at Renjun, I see the look of hesitation in his face. Internally grimacing, I offer my trembling hand. He softly sighs before giving a bone-crushing handshake.

"Happy Hunger Games and may the odds be ever in your favor." speaks a gleaming Doyoung to the crowd. I feel Taeyong  place his hand on my back, pushing me towards a set of doors. Once opened by the Peacekeepers, Doyoung, Taeyong, Renjun, and I enter the Justice Building. A Peacekeeper instructs me to wait in a room and closes the door behind me.

It’s relieving and oddly comforting to finally be alone. My chest no longer feels the heavy fluttering it did before. However, I can’t decide if I’m still shaking from the adrenaline or perhaps nerves. By the time the door reopens, I have gathered my thoughts. My mother and father appear in front of me. My father has a stoic and firm expression on his face, while my mother is energetically clinging to his arm.

“You have three minutes.” announces the Peacekeeper, before closing the door. My mom engulfs me in an gigantic hug. I awkwardly freeze, not really accustomed to displays of affection. However, she pays to mind to this and cheerily states, “I’m so excited for you. I know you are going to do great!”

My father grabs my shoulders and sternly councils me, “Listen to everything Taeyong tells you. Be smart and remember everything you’ve learned until this point. Don’t let your guard down, no matter how much you think you can trust someone. At the end of the day, you can only trust your own judgement.”

I nodded, my heart glowing with pride. I finally achieved the reward I’ve been working for this whole time. Getting to see the surprise in their eyes, knowing they never saw my masked potential. How did the black sheep of our family manage to pull off this?

“Time.” announces the Peacekeeper. My mom pulls me in for another hug. After she releases me, my father shockingly gives me a subtle nod before leaving with my mother.

After a short and silent car ride, accompanied by Doyoung and Renjun. We were ushered into a train, avoiding a swarm of eager reporters. At the main cart, Doyoung is sitting across from Renjun and I. The small table contains various foods and deserts intended for our pleasure.

Doyoung attempts to break the awkward silence, “We’re currently going 200 miles and you barely even feel a thing. I think that’s just one of the good things about this opport-“

“Where is Taeyong?” I interrupted, not really listening.

Doyoung let’s out a puff of air before standing up, “I think he’s in one of the other carts. I’ll go find him.” Once he leaves, Renjun harshly states, “Thank God, that man talks too much.”

I let out a hum of agreement, taking a sip from my teacup.

He starts, “I must say, you really surprised me. With your low scores, I really thought there was no way you’d be picked. Then, I told myself, the only reason is because of that brother of hers.”

I grabbed a knife from the table and shoved him down onto the couch. My legs were wrapped around his waist, hands pressing the knife into his throat. His eyes were wide, while his lips were slightly parted in shock.

“You really can’t go five seconds without talking the same old shit, huh? Didn’t even see this coming, you dumb little fuck.” I taunt him.

“You look pretty good on top of me like this.” He says, lips curling up into an evil smile. Before I could respond, I hear the sound of voices and look up. Renjun takes this opportunity to shove me off him, onto the floor. I quickly push myself up onto my hands and knees. Then, Doyoung and Taeyong came barging in through the door.

“Is everything okay? I heard some noises!” asked a frantic Doyoung.

Renjun answers innocently with, “We’re fine. She just dropped her knife on the floor.” I returned the knife to the table and went to my spot on the couch. As Taeyong and Doyoung sit down on the other side of the table, I subtly send an evil glare towards Renjun.

Taeyong glances over the two of us, “You two know almost everything there is about weapons and survival. There really is nothing I can teach you that you don’t already know. However, one of the things the two of you are going to have to focus on is making people love you. Keep in mind, you are going to be on a reality television show. People will watch and provide whatever you need, as long as you are of interest to them. If you want to get technical, the more you boost the ratings, the higher the probability is that you are to be kept around. You do this by playing a character. Rather it be a villain or a hero, it’s your choice. For example, you could be the pure and innocent type or an object of desire for the opposite sex. I hope you really take your time to decide what fits you best.”

“Taeyong, have you heard anything about the other tributes? Anything we should concern ourselves with?” I curiously asked.

He nodded his head, “District 1 has Lee Jeno and Lee Donghyuck. Both also trained since they were kids. Top of their schools in everything. Also, District 4 has Na Jaemin. Like his mentor, Finnick Odair, he specializes in spearing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up playing the same womanizer-character as him as well. Be careful, any of them could really be either the greatest threat to your game or the reason you end up winning the whole thing.”

[barnesaintdead]

Pandora's Box Prologue

Summary: Times have changed, great heroes were gone and all that remained was wreckage and lives to star over. After an alleged terrorist stack, Bucky is taken back to the past. With nightmares still vivid in his mind, he must choose between succumbing to fear of standing before it.

Warnings: smut, angst, mentions!abuse/rape/torture, +18

Word count: +1400

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Mutant!OC

A/N: This fic is being edited and reposted.

The bad dreams were not gone yet, no matter how much time passed. He squirmed on the bed, still unconscious, stirring in the dawn as if the weight of the world fell upon him. A shrill and terribly familiar scream filled the air, so close that even though it couldn't be identified, it made him cringe intead of waking up. His breath came in heavy puffs when panic enveloped him, his hands deperately searching on something — anything ��� to hold onto while he felt the ground tilting, threatening to throw him into the abyss the he knew it was just inched away. But there was nothing to cling but the soft fabric of the sheets beneath him that were already almost on the floor. And then, as suddenly as it started, the hooks that were hissing from the weight stopped, being replaced by slight click-clack sounds.

He was on that damned train once again. The next second, an explosion and the fire engulfed everything around him.

His eyes darted open to the cold darkness and he rolled back to the middle of the bed, his arm going up to cover his eyes as he tried to let that fucking nightmare aside. His pulse started to slow and the blood pumping in his ears were giving him the worst headache. His chest heaved for oxygen as he tried to control his anxiety, remembering that it wasn't the first time he had panicked during a dream, let alone would be the last. His head spun with the vivid details still fresh under his eyelids: the sound of metal scraping metal, the wind roaring agaist the wagon sides. The ground disappearing and giving way to an icy chasm.

He remembered being fallen in the snow, almost passing out by the ache that pulsed throug his body when his ears captured the sound of footsteps dragging trough the snow. He sighed in relief for thinking that it was Steve coming to his rescue. Only to find out that it wasn't Steve. There were more than three guys, all of them speaking a foreign language. And only when it came to him what language was that the tears flooded his eyes and he cried like a baby. Bucky Barnes has never been so terrified in his life. And he had a reason. Although, that explosion was something very new. That fire was never there before.

His vision was still a bit blurred, but he could make out Sam's silhouette, dressed and equipped, screaming at his door.

"Bombs. Not far. Fury thinks is a terrorist attack. Let's go!"

Bucky rubbed his eyes hard and yawned, his hands roaming the bed after the shirt he wore last night before going to bed. It was a little too late when they received a notification from the local cops. A small residential building was on fire, three explosions did the job and now the firefighters could not contain it. Bucky is frowning, both from the nightmare and the selfish tought that the police could have handled a smal fire on it's own that he knew he shouldn't be having.

However, his expression shifted quickly when he saw the red-orange glow and the dark smoke filling the sky from afar.

The choices we made are the ones that leads us to different paths, each decision is a curve, they can bring us closer or farther away from the end. The fate, still, works within its own rules. It has always been like that, fate is traced since our birth.

The fire department chief explained in details what happened since the beginning and what they needed to do, but Bucky wasn 't paying any attention. His heart was throbbing against his ribcage, not quite undertanding what was that and why his legs were moving towards the bulding on they own. The place was the enbodiment of hell itself. Hot, red and suffocating; flames licking the walls and turning to ash everything in its path. He wrinkled his nose when the unmistakable scent from burnt human flesh reached him. Approaching the main hall where a small group tried to fight the fire, he looke up and then to the base of the stairs. On the floor, some debris fell on bodies that were already charred.

"Buck!" Sam yells from the door when he realizes that his partner is running up the stairs without looking back, like he was hypnotized. "Fuck, Barnes!".

Bucky is now surrounded by the fire, the estructure giving in under his feat faster and faster as he approaches the top floor. The crackling of the flames are the only other sound beside his heart pounding in his ears. It is so hot he can barely breathe and the air is so toxic he can feel the smoke clinging into his lungs.

Finally, he finds it. What his heart — or instinct — is looking for. The last door in the hallway, the one that has been in his head since he set foot in that street, who knows why. Without hesitation, he kicks the door open, splitting the weak wook in two halfs. The smoke is so concentrated on those four walls he could barely see two feet ahead. The kitchen and living room were empty, the roof lining left no room from anyone to hide in the bathroom. And then he hears it. A low sob coming from the remaining room.

The girl was sitting in the corner beside the bed, the fire almost reaching her, but she seemed to be ignoring everything around her. Her eyes staring at a fixed point on the opposite wall, they don't move when Bucky enter the room and comes closer, but thick tears spill out like waterfall in her sooty cheeks. She was hugging her knees, rocking her body back and forth, shaking compulsively. Bucky dropped to his knees and crawled close to her. He knew that the smaller he seemed, the less chance he had to frighten her even more.

Now, face to face, his expression lit up in recognition. His heart skipped a beat when the girl's eyes strayed from the wall to face his, making him fall back with the sudden movement.

Somewhere outside her window, Sam was observing, not undertanding what was all that about. "Come on, Barnes! Get her outta there!" He screams.

As if his brain clicked back to reality, the Soldier realizes what is happening around them and uses a blanked he found on the ground to wrap the girl's small body and move it more carefully. She does not refure, nor does she tries to resist. She just let herself be carried away by him.

Bucky sixth sense comes to realization when is already too late. They hadn't even get to the window when the fourth explosion came. The entire top floor went down. Sam was launched into the air and Bucky has flied all the way to the ground, out of breath and coughing blood. The girl was on the other sidewalk, next to the remaining residents, covered in dirt and her own blood. She was looking dead into the sky with a faint smile on her bruised lips.

Sam rushes to his friend, taking off his head gears to get a better view of Bucky's wounds up close. He put his head against his tights and tried to keep the Soldier awake.

"What the fuck was that, Barnes?!" He asks, desperately calling for help. Wanda and Clint were already on their way. Bucky stared at him with unfocused eyes, his face covered in soot and drops of blood.

The sun behind them was rising at a lazy pace, but was strong enough for Sam to get a look at his partner's face better. Bucky was smirking.

"I... I know... Her" He says. Is hard to breathe when you can't feel your own lungs, you know?

"What?"

Sam was more concearned about the huge piece of rusty metal that is burried deep in Bucky's stomach. He pulls San by the collar.

"I know her" He says loudly and a bit harsh, then falls down, completely exhausted. His hole body ached.

"You'll be fine, pal" Sam murmurs softly.

...

Later that morning, after all that ruckus, the fire was extinguished. Residents were relocated and the injuried were transportated to local hospitals. Bucky had used his body as a shield to protect the girl, in addition to hitting his head against the glass and getting a face full of shards, the huge cut in his belly, minor burns and superficial scratches, he also had fractured his collarbone. Sam and Fury were watching the two of them from the bedroom window. Both slept soundly.

"What are we going to do with her?" Sam asks and hand Fury a huge file. "The cops gave me her data and I found this little baby in the wreckage of her room", then handled over a thick folder, full of notes and reports. The red figure in the front made Fury sigh loudly.

"It seems that we have a very big problem at hand", Fury says, rubbing the crease that formed between his brows. "I'll analyze these files. You keep an eye on them until they wake up".

[phantomofsilence]

Title : Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Word Count : Honestly who the hell knows?

Warning : Sad Bucky, sad Steve, you can see it from the request.

A/N :

Alright so i already posted this request but Tumblr somehow deleted it. So i had to do it all over again. Well thankfully not the story, i fortunately wrote it in the notes, i learned that lesson the hard way. Anyway along with a story the request itself was deleted. So i think this is how the request went, if it was your request message me if it was wrong. Also i had a really hard time with this request, i don't know why i just wasn't inspired, well probably more tired from college than inspired, but that's why it took so long. I wanted to do it right. Also for anyone else who send me a request i saw it, and i will right it as soon as my obligations allow me some free time. Also i did the P. O. V. thing so don't get confused. Okay, enough rambling, i hope you like it. And also i believe there was a compliment in the request for gif usage, thank you for that. 😘😘😘❤️

Request : Can you do a fic where you and the new agent are getting closer to the point where the team suspects that you are falling out of love with Bucky? (angst to fluff).

Steve's P. O. V.

As soon as he saw her enter the kitchen Chris was out of his seat smothering her in a hug, but Natasha and Steve, hung back and watched with frowns on their faces.

They stayed quiet during their conversation occasionally sipping coffee.

Their stubbornness and Steve's persistence in making sure both him and the team stay out of this complicated and deeply personal situation, rendered them mute, as they stood there cold and stoic, as they sipped on their coffee.

Many would say the intimacy in the embrace, those gentle smiles, and completely unnecessary gazes they were curently being subjected to were highly inappropriate and Steve would have to agree with them.

The more he watched, the more sorry he felt for his friend. But no, Steve wasn't angry at her, he was hurt. How could such a sweet girl be so uncaring? No one deserves this kind of treatment, his friend the least. He's been through so much already, Steve thought you out of all people understood this.

He lost so much, did he have to lose you too?

You were the rock that kept thing moving, a force anyone could fall back on if needed to be. And you want to abandon it all, for this Chris, a man you barely know compared to his friend.

Steve knew he was letting his feelings cloud his judgement, and you haven't really done anything but spent time with a man you claimed was your friend, a man that was your partner. He knew he spent just as much, if not more time with Natasha and she was one of his most valued friends.

Also, Chris seemed like a nice guy, the kind of man if you were still single he'd advise you to go for.

But that's it, you weren't single. In fact you were in a committed relationship with the most important person in his life.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he didn't know what to do. Invade his best friend's privacy or let his best friend be hurt when he could at least cushion the blow.

One more look at the 'lovely couple' and he decided, privacy be damned, his friend deserves honesty at least and he was gonna make sure he got it for him.

"Steve.." a voice trailed off cautiously, he looked over the see Natasha leaning on the counter facing them, with her head turned towards him looking at him.

"I know, Nat." he knew he shouldn't have snapped, it wasn't her fault. She sighed.

"Steve it should be one of us, I know it sucks to hurt him like that, but it's even worse if he caught them, and we knew but didn't tell him."Like always the redhead was right, but he still tried to reason with her.

"But she hasn't done anything yet Natasha, we can't make things up when they didn't happen."

She rolled her eyes at his statement. "Yes, Steve, she hasn't done anything, yet Steve. The key word being yet. Come on, Steve! They've known each other for only two months, and they are joined at the hip. If you think Bucky didn't notice you are mistaken. Dude's been giving her the kicked puppy eyes for days now and she hasn't even noticed choosing to ogle at her new beau. This calls for revenge! "The redhead took a deep breath and said.

" He is your best friend Steve, if the rolls were reversed wouldn't you like him to say something? "

Steve didn't respond, it wasn't necessary, they both knew the answer. Instead of pushing him, Natasha gently squeezed his shoulder and left him in the kitchen to think it over.

An hour later Steve was letting out his anger on a punching bag. The more he thought about it, the more conflicted he got.

This wasn't his relationship but it was his friend. Thou you were his friend too, after Peggy's death you along with Natasha were there for him, hell you've spent the whole day making jokes just to make him forget.

You were like Bucky, the Bucky from before, not just before The Winter Soldier, but before the war. The guy that got him in a lot of trouble and the guy that stood by him and protected him when he took a bite too large to swallow.

The man that took him to many unsuccessful dates, his companion, his family, it's what drew him to you.

You were a sense reality in the world that no longer made sense, a familiar face in a strange place.

Although he wanted to protect his friend, he also felt oddly protective of you. He couldn't betray your trust, but he couldn't betray Bucky either.

Why did this has to be so hard? He thought and punched the punching bag so hard it ripped and fell few feet away.

"What did that punch bag ever do to you?" Said a man Steve was successfully avoiding since this morning.

"Oh, hey Buck. What's up?" he said trying to act nonchalant. "I could ask you the same thing. Why are you avoiding me? Did i do something?" Bucky demanded.

"I'm not avoiding you." Steve mildly shrugged. Glaring at him he got closer almost to his face. "What the hell is going on?"

Steve could hear the anger in his voice, but also hurt, trying to protect him he's the one that ended up hurting him.

"Nothing, Buck." Steve said. "Listen here, punk!

"It's bad enough the love of my life could possible be cheating on me right now, now i can't even trust you!? What the hell man?"

Steve looked at his best friend, his eyes were puffy, tears threatening to spill, but he refused to let them fall, he had dark bags under his eyes, he hasn't been sleeping well, his hands shaking in anger, this was a man already hurt.

"Look i wanted to tell you about her, but I didn't want to betray her either so I've been ignoring you both so i don't hurt anyone. I guess that ship sailed." He said, his friend deserved honestly at least he can get it from him.

"You think she's cheating on me?" asked Bucky. "I don't know, man. I did not see her so anything, from all we know we're just making stuff up."

Steve frowned, even thou he shouldn't do it now, he was defending her. "You're a good friend, Steve. But i didn't ask what you saw, i want a yes or no answer." Bucky said.

"Why do i matter, why are you asking me? If you really wanted to know you'd ask her. But you're asking me because you know i will never give you that answer. So why are you asking me, Buck?" Steve demanded.

Bucky glared at him, before he grabbed his shoulder giving him a smile." You're a punk, kid."Bucky said, paused to inhale and exhale before continuing." It's because i don't really wanna know. I love her, Steve. If fact i love her so much that even thou, she 's literally ripping me in half, my brain is still finding a reason to forgive her. That she loves me and it's all a mistake. I'm pathetic."

Bucky lowered his head, squeezed his shoulder again, let go and turned to leave.

At the door Steve voice halted him in place.

" You're not pathetic. You love her. Knowing you my whole life, you were never soft on a dame like that. I'm sorry it had to be like this."

Without turning around Bucky whispered. "Me too." And left.

Steve could see it bright as day this man was a mess. He had to do something, you might be his friend, and it wasn't his business , but he was about to confront you.

Steve knew you, you were not a coward.

He would get you to tell the truth, perhaps it wasn't too late. You need to be honest and you might even work it out with Bucky.

Taking his phone out of his pocket he texted you to meet him in his room.

Your P. O. V.

After the workout Chris suggested you go to the diner you always go after a successful mission.

"Come on it's been some time since we been there." Snorting at that statement you replied. "We literally went there two days ago."

Groaning Chris whined. "Exactly, too long, come on i know you can practically taste those fries and that strawberry and vanilla milkshake you like. Eh, it will be fun and if i may say so i make great company."

Although the offer was tempting, and you really could taste those fries and that delicious milkshake, you had to go home to your boyfriend.

You missed him so much, and judging by those sad eyes he's been giving you he missed you just as much, if not more.

The missions you were being sent on this past month left little to no time for your relationship, and now having to prepare for an undercover mission of great importance and you weren't allowed to speak about it with anyone according to Maria, you were forced to spend all your free time with Chris.

Well forced was a harsh word, Chris was a great man and an amazing partner, but he wasn't your boyfriend.

"Sorry gotta take a rain check." You mumbled apologetically. Chris smiled and pulled you in for a hug.

"Hey i get it, if i had a hunk like that waiting for me at home, i wouldn't even bother talking to you. Scram, kid." You arched an eyebrow on chuckling. "Is that so? "

"I'd fuck him."

As you were nearing your apartment your phone buzzed. Looking at the screen you saw you had a text from Steve. Opening it read' We need to talk, met me at my place'.

Steve was not the best texter but he never sounded this urgent and formal. If this was about the mission he would have asked meat at The Tower, this was personal.

Something was wrong.

All it took was three knocks to be met with Steve's hard gaze, he stood aside allowing you to come in.

"So we need to talk?Are you breaking up with me Steve?"A light-hearted joke that was meant to brighten the mood was met with a glare. Okay, not the right crowd.

"Listen, i know it's non of my business and you're my friend, but this needs to end. What the hell is going on with you and Chris? "

Steve asked firmly before placing his hands on his belt buckle. You knew that stance, you've seen it a million times, it was meant to frighted and send a message that he met business.

You never thought you's see it being used on you. But you weren't so easily scared.

"You're right, Steve it's non of your business ." You replied defensively. Who was he thinking he could question you?

"You're right, but i don't care. I'm the one who has to watch my friend heartbroken when you leave with Chris, so excuse me if I'm a little protective. Just don't. Own up to it." Steve said.

"Own up to what, Steve? Heartbroken? My Bucky? What the hell is going on?" You demanded. You have done nothing to Bucky. What the hell is he talking about?"You hurt him and..." Steve began but you cut him off. "Hurt him i haven' t even spoken to him!" You piped up.

"Exactly."

Bucky's P. O. V.

Knowing he couldn't stay cupped up in his room with all those thoughts swearing in his head Bucky decided to take a walk, and by walk he meant a run, muttering angry at nothing and panting wildly.

He wasn't sure if he was panting because he was tired from the aggressive run or the work his mind put him through.

He decided the latter.

As if he was cursed to suffer today, he ran into the last person he wanted to see. Chris strolled up to him, a bright smile on his face, as if he wasn't the cause to his misery. Some nerve on this guy!

"Hey, Buck right?" he said to Bucky holding his hand for him to shake. Bucky just looked down at it frown.

"Not a hand shaker? Alright, i get it. I'm getting used on it myself.Also some say it's unhygienic."

What pissed of Bucky even more was that Chris wasn't even fazed by Bucky unfriendly stance. This guy!

"Anyway i just wanted to meet the man my partner won't shut up about. I mean that woman's got you on a pedestal you'd think your shooting rainbow out of your ass."

Keep rubbing salt to an open wound, Bucky though. This dude was something else.

"Look man, i don't really know her for that long, but she's kinda grown on me. She's one heck of a woman. She means a lot to me and... " Bucky cut him of. "I can imagine." He remarked through his teeth.

"No, you really can't, she has been there for me after the war, you know when you get back everyone keeps walking on egg shells around you, it's a strange place, even the bed feels wrong, too soft. But she made me feel human."

Suddenly the anger for the man was gone and all that was left was confusion. Chris was a marine? It would explain his posture.

" She's not afraid to hold me, i thank God or whatever is out there everyday for a friend like her. "

Bucky knew what he was talking about oh to well, she made him fell the same. She was comfort, she was peace, she was his home.

" Why are you telling me all of this? "Bucky asked.

" Because I'm not blind, i know a jealous man when i see one. She holds me because it helps me relax, not because she is in love with me. Don't even try to deny it. I know what it feels to love her, but you know what it feels like to be loved by her. If anyone has the right to be jealous, it's me. Don't screw this up, man. See ya. "

Before Bucky even had the chance to process what Chris had said, he turned and ran the other way.

Walking into your room you felt oddly nervous. You didn't even know it but you've made the man you love, a man in doubt.

He now questioned your love and you did not even notice. Sure you saw a bit of sadness but regarded it as him simply missing you.

Not a man heartbroken and riddled with insecurities. He probably hasn't even slept right and you didn't see it.

There was no reason for your fear, the room was empty, no Bucky in sight. Footsteps in the hallway made you turn around. Walking out of the room you followed the footsteps into the hallway, outside your apartment, down the stairs and only when you were outside did you catch the glimpse of the man of our.

Gathering enough courage you called out Bucky who at the sound of your voice turned and froze.

The tension was high, you could feel it in the air as you stared at one another.

Just as you opened your mouth to speak not even knowing what to say Bucky crossed the distance, grabbed you by the back of your neck and kissed you.

It only took you a second to respond, the kiss was desperate, teeth clashing, tongues fighting for dominance, while hands roamed all over, pulling, squeezing.

Pulling away for air you kept your eyes closed. "Tell me you love me." Pleaded Bucky, making you feel even more guilty.

Opening your eyes your hands sneaked themselves around his neck pulling until your forehead touched his own.

"I'm not sure about a lot of things Bucky. But there is one thing i am sure about and that is that i love you, James Buchanan Barnes, i love you and i always will. I'm sorry i ever made you doubt my love. "

"No, i am the one that's sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you in the first place. I got so stuck in my own head. I'm sorry. I love you so much, doll."

"I love you. Let's just forget about it and agree that from now on we will talk about this things. No holding back. "

"You're right. From now, we talk. But please be patient with me. And do me a favor, will you."

"Anything."

"Don't quit on me. I know it can be hard to be with me sometimes, but I love you as much it is possible for this broken man to love. "

"You're not broken, just bent. And don't act like I'm a walk in the park, i know i can be frustrating. But this is a relationship, we work together, we compromise, we fight, we make love. We don't quit on each other, we fight for us."

"I love you."

"And i love you."

[ahopkins1965]

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Why Does Paul Say "to Live Is Christ, to Die Is Gain"?

Bible / Bible Study / Topical Studies

Clarence L. Haynes Jr. | Contributing Writer

Saturday, August 15, 2020

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For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

These are powerful words, spoken by the Apostle Paul choosing to live for Christ’s glory. He explains that is great, and dying in Christ is even better. I know on the surface it may not make sense, but that’s why some things require you to look beneath the surface.

You may have considered the concept of living for Christ, but what about this whole idea of dying for gain? Actually, there is great benefit in both of these and that is what we want to explore a little deeper today.

What is the real meaning and context of Phil. 1:21 “to live is Christ, to die is gain?” Before we get to the answer let’s look at a little background into the book of Philippians.

What Happens in the Book of Philippians?

Philippians was written by the Apostle Paul most likely around 62 AD and most likely while he was a prisoner in Rome. The overall theme of the book is one of joy and encouragement to the church in Philippi.

Paul continually expresses his thankfulness and heartfelt appreciation for this church all throughout the book. Philippians is unique in that Paul is not addressing any real pressing issues or problems in the church except for a disagreement between Euodia and Syntyche – two people who worked with Paul in the spreading of the gospel and helping build the church in Philippi.

What Is the Context of Philippians 1?

In Philippians 1, Paul opens with a standard greeting that he typically used. It included grace and peace and identified who he is and the audience to whom he is writing. In chapter 1, he expresses how he really feels about this church and you can hear his emotion coming forth throughout this chapter. It is this emotion that really helps to understand the meaning and context of Phil. 1:21, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Consider Phil. 1:20:

“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”

There are two words I want to highlight in this verse: ashamed and exalted. Paul’s concern was that he would live in such a way that would not bring shame to the gospel and the cause of Christ. He wanted to live a life that would exalt Christ in every phase of life, regardless if it meant living or if it meant dying. This leads us into the meaning and context of Phil. 1:21, to live is Christ to die is gain. Let’s look at both parts.

What Does It Mean “to Live Is Christ, to Die Is Gain?”

To live is Christ – This simply means that everything you do in this life should be for Christ. If you go to school, it’s for Christ. If you work, it’s for Christ. If you get married and have a family, it’s for Christ. If you serve in ministry, play on a team, whatever you do, you do it with the mindset that it is for Christ. You want him to be exalted in every aspect of your life. The reason this matters is because by exalting him, you can potentially create an opportunity for the gospel to go forward. When Christ is exalted in your life it can open the door for you to share him with others. This gives you the chance to win them over not just by what you say, but by also how you live.

To die is gain – What could be better than living for Christ, shining light and winning people to the kingdom of God? As crazy as it sounds, death is better. Look how Paul states it in verse 22-24:

“If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.”

If you can really grasp what Paul is saying here, then you will truly understand the meaning and context of Phil 1:21. For Paul to keep living would be beneficial for the church in Philippi and everyone else he was ministering to. He could keep serving them and be a blessing to the body of Christ. (That’s to live is Christ). 

However, understanding the sufferings of this life (remember Paul was in prison when writing this letter), and all of the challenges he faced, he understood that as great as it is to serve Christ in this life, it was better to die and go be with Christ forever. This does not mean you should want to die, it just means that you understand that death for a Christian is not the ending, but just the beginning. In death, you lay down your struggle. You complete your race and you enter into the presence of God for all eternity. That’s the experience for every believer and truly that is better.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Scyther5

What Do We Gain Through Life?

I want you to consider another thought for a moment. If to live is Christ, how then should you live? How do you in fact actually live for Christ?

I mentioned earlier that everything you do in this life should be for Christ, but in reality, that is a theoretical statement. Let’s make it more practical. I am going to use the four areas I mentioned prior which are school, work, family, and ministry. I am not going to give you answers, I am going to ask you four questions for each section. They should help you think about how you are living and if changes need to be made then let God show you how he wants you to change.

Living for Christ in School

Are you achieving at the highest level you possibly can?

What are the activities you are engaged in?

How do you respond to your teachers and those in authority?

How would your friends respond if you told them you were a Christian?

Living for Christ at Work

Are you punctual and show up to work on time?

Can you be trusted to get the job done or do you have to be constantly reminded what you must do?

Are you easy to work with or do co-workers dread working with you?

Are you usually the person creating a healthy work environment or are you always stirring the pot?

Living for Christ in Your Family

Do you spend time with your wife, kids, etc. (if you have a wife or kids)?

Do you prioritize family over career or career over family?

Do they see Christ in you on Monday – Saturday, or does he only come out on Sunday morning?

Do you embrace family members who don’t know Jesus or reject and shun them because they don’t know Christ?

Living for Christ in Ministry

Do you put more emphasis on the work of the ministry over the time spent with your family?

Do you run yourself ragged serving, doing the Lord’s work, that you forget to spend time with the Lord?

Do you make ministry about the people and not about your personal gain or reputation?

Do you talk about the people in the church and the ones you serve more than you pray for them?

Granted this is not an all-inclusive list of questions, but hopefully they will cause you to think. Living for Christ is not something that happens by accident; you must be intentional about doing it. As you are intentional about it you can say like Paul that Christ will be exalted in your body (your living) whether you live or die.

As you can see there is a lot to the meaning of this verse. However, if I were to give you one final thought it would be this – live as great a life for Christ as you can now, don’t delay it. Make every day count and every moment count. When you are done living and the day comes where you breathe your last breath on this earth, know that it was all worth it. However, as good as it has been in this life the best is yet to come. It only gets better from here.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/ipopba

Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, author and co-founder of The Bible Study Club. He has spent more than 30 years serving the body of Christ in various capacities and has just released his first book, The Pursuit of Purpose. If you have ever struggled trying to find God’s will, this book will help you discover the different ways God leads you into his perfect will. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com. 

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