#that was back when i was unemployed and had more free time and energy lol

[michi-chelle-draws]

my policeman photo study ✨ (speedpaint)

[hedonicghosts]

I wouldn't say successful, but we are certainly managing the best we can. (College life, it can get stressful so we only have certain headmates who are able to handle the stress front.)

We're very fictive heavy so whenever a new introject gets here we make sure to remind them that, while it's perfectly normal to worry about source and to be attached to it at time, it's very important to live in the present. It's natural to hang onto to exomemories or to seek out sourcemates, but for all intents and purposes it's important to stay in the present. Find hobbies and other activities outside from source, since at times it can be harmful to be too attached to it.

We try to manage fronting as best as we can. It's mostly making sure which headmates have enough energy to do assignments and the like. We try to make sure that each headmate is able to front and do as they please while they keep up with assignments.

Although it's not entirely perfect. We're still working out the kinks. Just keep your head makes requests in mind and be as respectful as you can. Kindness goes a very long way, so be sure to express it to new and old headmates alike regardless of role.

That's about all I have. Feel free to dm us for more advice.

college life being stressful is so, so real… that's the main reason why we dropped out ;P good luck for you all in it, though!

the tip to live in the present for fictives is………… so difficult (i say, as a fictive) but it is a really good point too. it's nice to hold onto our exomemories and like… being able to say "i'm nocturnal you fuckwit, i'm going to sleep" is a fun excuse to not front, but we do need to have a better understanding of "but you are in a random human's body so you gotta take care of it normally" lol. also finding stuff that you might not do in your source is a good tip actually, and i'm… kinda shocked we never connected those dots? it's really easy to fit into the shitty mindset of "but character!me would NEVER do that so it'd be super weird if i did that" which is… very stupid (/lh) in hindsight.

managing fronting…. oh fuck……… what's that like? that must be nice lmfao. but genuinely, when we were still in college, it was somewhat easier to manage because we had specific alters essentially sign up for which class they'd be willing to sit. but, since we're a #delinquent and #unemployed now, it's more like… everyone for themselves, i guess. we've always wanted to have some degree of "routine" but like… managing that with so many assholes in one head is impossible (shout out to jonas trying to schedule everyone to front once a month back in high school… honorable of him ha). i think we also just sort of struggle with doing what we want when fronting and not what the body wants, if that makes sense? like, obviously, not all of us are artists, so we feel weird when a non-artist is fronting and being "forced" to draw bc the brain is making xyr, yknow?

and i mean, nothing we work out will ever be 100% perfect, that's kinda the nature of being disordered i guess lol, but we're sorta in a place right now where it's like… well, it's functional, but it's not ideal i guess. we've been trying to find ways to better our external communications with each other so we can make an actual physical… list? chart? forum? where we do let headmates make requests and then be able to respect them. but, as it is now, our communication is solely internal and, with amnesia, means it's dog shit.

aaaaanyway, sorry for rambling at each of your points. i really do appreciate the insight you gave us, and i'm going to pin this… somewhere in one of our resources for the gatekeepers to check out. if one of them has questions, they'll definitely take you up on the dm offer! (we suck at dm-ing though fair warning)

[moonraccoon-exe]

HALLO

IT'S ME

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Imma share with you my plans!

I've had troubles keeping up with this place ever since I had the BRILLIANT IDEA of getting into uni (don't do it it's a TRAP). I had a million favorites unreblogged, hundreds of dms and as of now 80 asks.

Idk how many of my old followers are here bc they know more or less this already but I have some mental troubles with keeping up with it all as in energy wise. Answering a chat can drain me (and I don't know why, but that's how my brain works and I don't wanna force me to anything) so because of school taking 90% of my time, that's why chats and asks and all piled up.

BUT

I can't just wait until "I have complete free time" to do it all because 1) I'll just burn myself o ut instantly 2) If i keep waiting for a while to have time enough to do it ALL at once, I'll never do shit

SO I DECIDED

To do it one by one

Oh also because of the pandemic my school messed up calendars so I had no vacation break (besides 1 week and one weekEND literally weekend lmao) from 2020 to 2021. December-January was my first break, and THAT'S why I was back (like properly) this time.

SO

On this break I went with the less important which were reblogs (I DON'T FAVE UNLESS I REBLOG BECAUSE BOOSTING CREATOR STUFF IS IMPORTANT, FAVES DO N O T H I N G). Got it almost all this break!

Next holidays, June-July, I shall answer my chats!!

I went through them to see how many I've unanswered, and wrote down all names, including those who I haven't spoken to in literal years. I WILL reply.

Next holidays, December-January, I hit up the asks!! BOY are they quite something!

I mean you can still send in like hellos and personal asks (if any of my beloved nicknamed anons are still around. I see you there Silver Swords!! <3) because those are quick to deliver and boost up my joy actually!!

I just mean that in that third break I'll get to the story or prompt or request asks, because those are the ones that take up most of my energy.

And I guess I should l et you know I'll also make them shorter? Back in the golden days I'd write up to 20 pages in a Word to get back to you all but I figured that takes quite lot of time, and I only end up with three favorites so that...doesn't like...motivate me a lot lol. Considering I do and WANT to do this all for free, right, s o like, imagine spending 3 days on making a thing with all your love and then it gets ignored HASHD so I'll just...make something shorter and sweet and still genuine but that won't drain me! That's self care!

SO YEAH

When I would say and swear I would answer IT ALL no matter how many years it took, I MEANT IT. ALL OF IT. Asks, dms, reblogs, I'VE GOT YOU, I just need time!

And I'm just a year and half from finishing school!! So because we are the unemployed generations, that means FREE TIME AGAIN YAAAAYYYY

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND FOR STICKING WITH ME. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOUUUUUUUUUU <3

[promptsforthestrugglingauthor]

A Bit of a Rambling Update

Feel free to totally scroll by this, for the record! If you don’t want to hear about my stuff, definitely don’t feel the need to do so. This is your warning ahead of time that it’s gonna get into some of my personal stuff and mentions of identity crises and mental health stuff and if that’s not something you’ve got the energy for/want to see, this is your warning! Have a lovely day! <3

To those of you who are reading further, hello! And thank you for still being here! I know it doesn’t seem like I’ve been absent, because prompts have still been coming in day by day. To be quite honest, I don’t even remember coming up with or writing prompts a lot of the time, so I’m glad I’ve managed to keep them going. I do know it’s gotten close a few times, so my apologies there! I don’t intend to stop anytime soon, either, although it is getting difficult after 1400+ prompts lol!

The thing is, I’ve been struggling with ideas myself. Or really writing in general at this point? Last year was, like, a lot for everyone, and I totally get that! I know things could have been far worse for me than they were, and I’m grateful for that. I had a bad start into the year, and was pretty depressed and worried about the future to start (little did I know lmao) and only just started having things brighten up when everything fell apart. That was fine except it turned out that literally not leaving my house for two months and then the world going through everything it did was a really, like, eye-opening thing, although not in the best way? I’m not going to get into all of it for a lot of reasons, but the important things to know are:

-I now identify as genderfluid, and I’m open to she, they, and he pronouns!

-I’m fairly certain I’m autistic (and keep meaning to see a therapist about that)

-I’m working on recovering from a few depressive spells so I can’t dedicate as much time and energy here as I once did

-I quit my job last month and while I’m jobhunting rn I am unemployed so right now I guess I do have the time for now

-Last year, I had planned a started drafting some larger masterposts for writing a novel top to bottom, and I may continue and post those

-I am a certified copyeditor now, so if you need editing done on a piece you intend to self-publish, I am open for hire

-I’m going to be inconsistent and so thank you all for bearing with me and understanding the best you can!

You can feel free to ask me some more stuff about any of this, but I felt it wasn’t fair of me to just vomit a whole bunch of stuff on you in detail, so I stuck to what I feel you need to know. I’m trying to get back into writing, and I’ve come up with a new novel, so maybe as I develop it, I’ll take notes to better talk about my process and all that jazz.

Anyway, thank you so much for listening, and I hope I can bring more content and more help to you all soon, but I don’t want to push myself too hard! <3

[popsiclemania]

My 2020 in K dramas (+1 J drama)

I began watching k-dramas in 2018 but I’ve never watched as many shows, Korean or otherwise, as I have in this one. 2020 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I think what helps me really enjoy this over Bollywood+Malayalam+ American pop culture I grew up with is that a smirk on the wrong character’s face doesn’t make me seethe with rage and want to burn everything down. It’s not like growing up with SRK on screen and then having SRK wannabes leave you with lifelong trauma in reality. I can just move on. It’s removed enough from my everyday life but still familiar in a generic Asian family way. Does that make sense? It’s not perfect and it’s not free of its own harmful stereotypes and narratives, but there’s enough of the good stuff to make you stick around. This year I fell in love with Nana, Kim Hye Soo, Han Yeri, Park Eun bin, Ahn Eun jin, Kim Bum, Kim Yong ji, Flower Boy’s Go Dok Mi and Search:WWW’s Bae Tami. Cancelled Ji Chang wook (bye). Desperately missed Kim Jae Wook. Had thoughts on Hwang In Yeop, which were mostly heart eyes. Discovered J dramas and fell in love with Cherry Magic’s Adachi.

My year-in-review below:

LOVED

Into The Ring - I am so glad I saved this for a rainy day because it’s exactly the kind of upright citizen shenanigans my unemployed ass needed at the end of the year.

Goo Se Ra thinks the govt should work for the people but that doesn’t mean her own moral compass always points north. Her purpose is to make steady money, and I love seeing her go hard to survive and cobble together what she needs. The thing that really works for me is that she wants to be good, but she isn’t always. And you get to see her be disappointed, upset, embarrassed and hurt from being publicly kicked in the gut as she navigates a job where she appears, on the surface, to be a supremely confident, self-serving, accidental politician. What you see as her naiveté is mostly just her being a regular person in an environment dictated by backhand deals and rich people politics. She gets hit again and again, and you see what it does to her sense of worth to get back up again, how she grapples with her self. And through all this the show is funny?! Se Ra is what writers of manic pixie characters think they are doing and not doing at all. Love her friends, and Jang Hye-jin is *chef’s kiss*!

Hyena - Kim Hye Soo’s Jung Geum Ja is perhaps Se Ra’s older and darker contemporary.  Geum Ja is a survivor and will get what she wants and where she wants to, however many hells she has to cross. She’s single-minded about her success, ruthless and has no qualms about bending morals to get the outcome she needs. She’ll never compromise on who she is or justify how she lives, can build people up and also tear them down, but she also knows care and kindness.

I turned to Signal for more Kim Hye Soo but was disappointed in how the first few episodes seemed to shortchange her. May try again in 2021.

(Highly recommend @saltr0se​’s  fic series which just GETS Geum Ja so well. Fic writers are the best)

Search: WWW (Finished in 2020) - It took me half a year to finish this. I started watching Search in Oct 2019 and raced through the first 6 episodes because I couldn’t take my eyes off the rollercoaster of Bae Tami’s life. And then I had to take a break because it was a little too close to the frenetic pace of my own industry. As @drivingsideways wrote, a lot of Search is premised around ‘patriarchy? who dat?’, which is why watching its politics play out is so fascinating.  It’s also deliciously turmoil-y to watch a very clear-sighted, weathered Tami put on rose-tinted glasses for her romance and then frequently peer over them to evaluate whether it could actually meld into her life.

Catch The Ghost - Kim Seonho oozes charm and perhaps Startup was a showcase of how effectively he can be a typical male lead. But Catch is exactly not that. Go Jiseok and Yoo Ryeong have moulded their lives around to meet their most desperate wishes in life and in the process also left parts of themselves untended. There is guilt, pain and need. Now guess who will tend to whose wounds? Their dynamic is electric even when the central mystery flags towards the last few episodes of the show. I really hope Moon Geun Young is doing well and gets more amazing roles soon. She is so good here.

(Highly recommend @melonatures​‘s fic for putting that sizzling on-screen chemistry into words. HOW?!) Cherry Magic - Stories about painfully awkward people are my jam and Eiji Akaso gets Adachi’s shy, nervy energy so right. Cherry Magic is straight up just 12 hours of 🥺🥺🥺. 

Stranger/Secret Forest - I’ve been devouring the entirety of Agatha Christie’s work this year after Stranger reminded me how comforting murder mysteries can be. I love Bae Doona. I also love characters who don’t get social norms, not always because they are out to flout them but because that’s just not how their mind/brain works. (have to watch S2)

Flower Boy Next Door -  Honestly, the opening scene introducing Park Shin Hye’s character Go Deok Mi sold me on this immediately. An introverted, penny pinching copy editor living alone and working from home thanks to extreme social anxiety? Love. All the side characters are a lot of fun and I’ve never loved Kim Seulgi and Go Kyung Pyo more. It’s a warm show, slowly rounding off the sharp edges of every character.

JUST FUN

The Spies Who Loved Me -  It’s been a year of disappointing rom-coms and Spies kind of quietly turned it around for me. I want to be the fly on Yoo In Na’s wall as she figures how to play her characters. I’ve only seen her in 3 roles but somehow she always manages to be in character arcs that don’t short change her. Spies could’ve been and sometimes is the regular heterosexual fare, but In Na ups the ante over and over again, coming out on top as the smartest person in the room.

ENJOYED WITH *RESERVATIONS*

I have to watch A Piece Of Your Mind again because I don’t understand how Jung Hae In and Chae Soo bin built SO MUCH warmth and crackling chemistry with barely a kiss. I was iffy about how the whole AI thing started off and the tortured musician plotline (angsty male artists will forever be an eyeroll for me).

Park Min Young is a queen who never disappoints and When The Weather Is Nice is everything you want in a winter romance. My reservation was in how they explore so much of domestic abuse and the complex ways its traumatised the women in this family. I’m ok with the characters having imperfect ways of processing and understanding the violence, I welcome it. I’m not ok with the show dancing around whether the pivotal crime was justified/ self defence (it was).

A lot of dramas did this. I loved Han Yeri and Choo Ja Hyun in My Unfamiliar Family, I didn’t like the free pass the show gave their dad’s abusive character. 

Hwang Jung Eum’s comedy style is generally not my thing but she was pretty great in Mystic Pop-UP Bar. But I’m side-eyeing the sanctity surrounding motherhood. Maybe I should read more about babies and Korean folklore.

Hospital Playlist was my comfort watch through June and July. I think its wholesomeness and non-plot writing came at a good time for me. But I noticed then that the throughline for all main characters was moral superiority and hence what I then saw as *wholesomeness*. It’s kind of what makes it a grating rewatch in parts. Plus the real life of misogyny of Yoo Yeon Seok makes me want to push his angelic catholic character off a cliff. (For context, i was raised catholic). I want to continue loving Chae Song Hwa, and for that the showrunners need to stop cornering her with overbearing romantic interests (let that woman breathe! she literally ran away to another city!) 

Hospital is good at creating moments of comfort, so much so that I went to watch Reply 1988 after it, but had to drop it coz I couldn’t get into it. Maybe I’ll come back to it next year.

Once Again is what I call joint family propaganda. What it does well is lay bare the mechanics of living in a society that prizes the heterosexual family structure, the loops you have to jump through to hide when you break its rules and what happens when you are found out. I love the characters, their fights, their frustrations. I just don’t love the validation of joint families. (context: i grew up in an oppressive joint family lol). In my au, Nahee and Gyujin don’t get married again or immediately have children, but take the long route to figuring out how to love the person the other is. Gahee is openly dating Hyo shin and her parents have to figure out how to process her success and her romance. Young dal and Ok boon have to learn to stop dictating their children’s lives.  Joon sun runs his company from home, so his wife Hyun kyung can work on what she wants. Choyeon, Joori and Ga-yeon go back to being flamboyant AF and the market learns to not judge. Gyujin and Jaesok have to actually work on the relationship with their mother and what sent her into depression. Just a lot of learning involved.

Just Between Lovers was a nice watch, i just don’t get how Kang doo and Ha Moon So’s relationship will survive his constantly simmering anger. 

Crash Landing on You was so much fun until the main romance turned angsty, but it gave us North Korean soldier shenanigans and the epic romance of Seo Dan and Alberto Gu that we needed more of.

Tale of The Nine Tailed is probably what Goblin wished it was. I, however, will never be over Lee Rang. (Also, when can gods stop meeting their love interests as babies? Asking for my sanity)

I literally ignored everything in Oh My Ghost except Park Bo Young and Kim Seulgi and it was amazing. 

NOPE

Goblin, Dinner Mate, Oh My Baby and My Secret Romance were a whole lot of NO, NAHI, ILLAAA. 

I loved hate-watching The King:Eternal Monarch with the rest of k drama tumblr but someone please take away Kim Eun-sook’s access to gigantic budgets and all-star casts.

It was painful to watch Do You Like Brahms squander away its potential but I’m glad to be introduced to Park Eun bin. Age of Youth is next on watchlist.

More than Friends to me is only Ahn Eun jin. Someone give her amazing lead roles asap.

Why did Record of Youth do that to Park So Dam and her clothes? Just why

WANTED TO WATCH, BUT COULDN’T BECAUSE *INTENSE* 

World Of The Married, It’s Okay Not To Be Okay, Sweet Home, Extracurricular, Penthouse, Flower of Evil, Lie After Lie

WILL WATCH NEXT YEAR

SF8, Stove League, Birth Care Centre but I’ll start the new year with School Nurse Files coz it looks very good.

[fandomcelery]

Day 10 of Prompt List: Cat

Fandom: Glee

Pairing: Kurt Hummel/Sam Evans

Note: Sam sees an abandoned black cat and takes it home because he's a sweetheart, and Kurt (after a second) accepts it lol

Tagging: @useless-fanfictions-for-glee

Sam walks down the street, whistling to a tune that he can't remember the name of but it's been stuck in his head for a few hours. He's going out to grab a few things at the store for Kurt but stops when he sees a box labeled 'Free'. He stares for a second, about to lift the lid when it lifts for him and a small little fuzzy head pokes out. The small being slowly lifts its paw at him and looks at him directly in the eyes. He lifts the lid to see if there are any more cats in the box and there aren't. The yellow-eyed cat rubs its face against his hand, and Sam begins to pet the small cat. He's pretty sure it's a kitten, and-

A female, he thinks when the cats roles over and shows its stomach. He couldn't just leave her here so he grabs the box by the bottom to support it so it doesn't cave in, and heads back to their apartment. He grabs the keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, trying not to be loud. Kurt's still in their bedroom asleep because he had been so stressed out the entire week that Sam couldn't bear to wake him. He sets the box on the ground and lifts the lid. The cat peeks out and looks around, before ducking back inside.

"Come on out little buddy, it's okay," Sam whispers, sitting down next to the box. They didn't own any other animals because Kurt knows they take a lot of time and energy to take care of that neither of them has at the moment. Or at least they didn't when Sam was still trying to land a modeling job. But right now, Sam's unemployed (Kurt's still as stressed out as he was, but that's expected when you're at NYADA) so he has all the time in the world.

The cat pokes out of the box again, looking around and staring for a little bit at Sam, and then deciding that it's okay to come out. She steps out of the box slowly and then jumps out fully. She walks towards Sam and rubs her head against his knee, and he scratches her back. She starts purring softly and jumping into his lap and lying down. The air outside was freezing, so Sam doesn't blame her for immediately trying to find warmth.

"Why do you have a cat?" Kurt asks as he's standing in the middle of the hallway. Sam jumps when he speaks, which causes the cat to panic and run back into the box. He looks at Kurt with a guilty expression.

"It was on the side of the street, so I grabbed it," Sam responds while trying to get the cat to come back out again.

"Uh-huh. And you decided to bring it inside even though it could be carrying fleas, or who knows what?" Kurt questions, walking closer.

"It's freezing outside!" Sam states as the cat finally comes back out of the box.

Kurt sighs before squatting down next to Sam.

"Are you going to take care of it?" Kurt asks, looking between the cat and Sam.

"Her. And yes, I will take care of her," he says as he picks up the cat and cuddles her, and she immediately rubs against him. Kurt smiles at the sight, and stands up to grab some food and water for her.

"She must be starving, who knows how long she was in that box," he says while filling a bowl of water and looks around for something to feed her.

"I could go and get some cat food, I don't know what we have here that she can have," Sam suggests. Kurt smiles at him and hands him the bowl of water. He puts it and the cat down, and she starts drinking from it.

"You should name her first," Kurt mentions, now starting to make some coffee for himself.

"I was thinking... Salem."

"Everyone names their black cats Salem. How about, Luna?" Kurt suggests.

"Nah it doesn't fit. How about... Stella?" Sam says.

"I like it," Kurt nods, and goes back to making his coffee.

"Welcome to the family, Stella," Sam pets Stella's head and she purrs against him.

~~~ I really like this fic sm and I wrote it havbaavh but yes catttt. thank you for reading and if you saw any grammar or spelling mistakes, um, no you don't <3

[clayfaced]

POSITIVE 20 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

ily @hopeisthewholepoint i was doing this a while ago and then the draft didn’t save so this is about 30 years late by now whopps. ily thanks for tagging me tho. ❤

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

My girl Edrisa Tanaka from Prodigal Son bc we’re both socially awkward but at least she’s unapologetic about it. I want to say I have Sam Wilson’s humor and I too do what everyone else does just slower. Raymond Holt because I love fluffy bois and I’m down to fight anyone who says anything bad about my pets. Ben Wyatt because we’re both human disasters and I like making dumb stuff when I’m bored.  

2. Aesthetic

Playing pool terribly with friends, peanut butter and banana sandwiches, colorful rain jackets. Balloons, music playing from car radios, collecting movie ticket stubs. Painted nails, open windows, and fish stamps on postcards. The smell of fresh basil.

3. Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

Come from Away. Hands down. Though I will say I saw recordings of the National Theater’s Frankensteins recently and both are very good but the Miller-as-the-creature version is especially good.

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Okay this is a bit of an unfair question bc I die at any and all compliments. But one that I thought of today /a couple days ago/ a long time ago when i started writing this that made me happy again was when someone I'm in a club with let me borrow his camera to take pictures during a performance. I hadn't taken pictures in a while and I had so much fun and I don't really contribute to the club so I finally felt like I had purpose. It was hard to see how they came out on the camera but the next time I saw him he said they came out really well and someone else said that he's normally picky when it comes to photos but he liked mine so that made me feel even better and it was overall a very nice time. It wasn't even really the compliment (I mean, it still was but) it was also just the gesture to offer a camera when he heard I liked taking pictures. I didn't have my camera with me until after this and it really made me remember how much I liked it. Anyways he graduated and hasn't been in the club since last semester so I never see him but it made me v happy.

5. How many times have you been in love?

Miss me with that romantic love but I fall in love with friends and people and every little thing everyday.

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

Bold of you to assume I've recovered from anything embarrassing ever.

This is a bit of a cheat bc it was always funny but my middle school PE uniforms had words and definitions on the back of the shirts (no i don’t know why) and mine said “final: adj. last in place” or something like that and you know what? it was RIGHT.

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

Probably Up. Idk I don’t really have one.

8. Favorite flower or plant?

Probably triostar plants because they’re cute and pink.

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

Halloween 🎃! I love the idea that kids are going bonkers and getting candy and having a good time. And I love that it gives not-children people a chance to dress up and have fun and take themselves less seriously for a day.

EDIT: NO ONE TOLD ME I MISSED QUESTIONS 10-14. NO ONE LOOK AT THIS .LOOK AWAY. IM FIXING IT. HOW DID I MISS FIVE WHOLE ENTIRE QUESTIONS. SMH.

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

This meme dee just sent me a minute ago. I had a socially-distant dinner with a couple of my friends whomst I love a lot on Saturday and it was very nice to see their beautiful faces in person again and I love them a lot. Time isn’t real I don’t know what happened this week. I set up the Xbox again and I’ve played a little little bit of Assassins Creed (which Im very bad at) and Skyrim (which im only a little bad at) and that’s been fun. Bonus answer of dee, nina, and I have been watching 911: Lone Star together and it’s v v fun.

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

That is way too hard of a question to definitively answer. My music taste varies so wildly and my favorite song is usually the one I've obsessively listened to the last. Using that logic: Bang! by AJR or Wake Me by Bleachers. Or Chris Martin’s cover of Shelter from the Storm by Bob Dylan. Yeah. The last one.

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

Being a passenger in a car with music playing though that doesn’t really happen when I’m stressed. I wouldn’t say peaceful because when I’m not good at that when I’m stressed and most of the time when I’m stressed I have too much stress inside of me so I would rather get it out than be peaceful. So I just put earbuds in and listen to music too loudly so I don’t have to hear anything around me and I can just sort of release all pent up energy with the music and calm down.

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

I’m studying film! I’m technically undeclared but I’m hoping to declare soon. :-). Yes I’m going to be unemployed and leech off of dee for the rest of our lives thanks for asking.

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

Um. Definitely sneakers (by default my white ones because I only have one pair) because I like being able to Move. Same reason for my black pants bc they’re not restricting at all and comfy. And then probably my gray sweatshirt which dee will murder me for saying bc it means I have zero (0) colors in my outfit but it comfy. I like having colors but I feel more comfortable in more neutral colors.

15. What is a quote you live by?

Oof oof I don’t know. I think there are a lot of quotes I want to live by and then I forget about them so if I am living by a specific quote, it’s not consciously. I reblog a lot I like to my words tag or text tag, and this one:

 “‘Do you fall in love often?’ Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all.” (Jeanette Winterson)

explains me very well. I don’t know that it’s something I live by because it’s just a state of my existence but it me.

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

I wish I had funnier playlist names. One of them is living room couch alone for a very specific mood when it's after 10 o'clock and everyone else is asleep and I'm in the living room alone on the couch and I'm not tired and time doesn't feel real. It's a good mood. I also have one called new york times which isn't funny I just like it.

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

“you know why we do this?" *snap with one hand* "because we can’t always get our arms free to do this” *dramatic arching snap with both hands* 

But that one’s not with dee ( @mrrmiracle ) so give me one sec to think of something else too. Ok here we go: 

"that Andrew Garfield movie"

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

Stop overthinking and start doing. You can’t sit at home sad your friends aren’t hanging out with you if you never ask them to hang out. Initiate things. Its not as scary as it seems. Also for the love of all things holy please form good habits now. Form all the good habits I have none and I’m tired.

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

um my cats :// im just kidding it’s @mrrmiracle obviously.

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

Um lol to not be alone. To be employed doing something I enjoy and make enough money to support myself. If I put lol will this sound less sad.

I’m tagging @mrrmiracle, @grayson-dick @valleydean and @daredeviil and if anyone else wants to do it just say i tagged you and i’ll edit it to include you 👀. i just get anxious tagging people bc i don’t want to annoy people and i never know who wants to be tagged or not.

[tabithalovesstuff]

Witchcraft Asks #1-105

I hardly ever get asks so I'm going to do this all at once, I'll also repub the original after this too, tag you're it!

1. Are you solitary or in a coven? Solitary

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other? Witch, I kind of consider myself pagan too but not as much since I don't consider my practice a religion

3. What is your zodiac sign? Libra sun sign, Sagittarius moon, Virgo Rising

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess? Nope, I don't really believe in any of the Gods lol

5. Do you work with a Pantheon? Nope

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or 
any other kind of divination? Tarot, and I want to get into pendulum too but I've been too broke to buy one

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any) I don't practice with herbs 🤭 mostly cause they are hard for me to get lol

8. How would you define your craft? I generalize it by saying I'm a Eclectic Secular Witch that specializes in energy work and tarot

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do? I don't really do curses, how ever that is because I haven't had the need to do one, I think its fine to do them as long as you know what you are doing

10. How long have you been practicing? Technically I started in Middle school, but I've only truly started to get into it and truly practice for the last 2 years (but if you count when I started then 8 years)

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars? I do not, i have pets they just aren't attracted to magic enough to be a familiar lol

12. Do you believe in Karma or Reincarnation? Yes to both

13. Do you have a magical name? No I don't, I feel like my real name is enough

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”? Technically, I don't try to hide it but I don't talk about it a lot so not a lot of people know I'm a witch.

15. What was the last spell you performed? I know some witches don't count these but I did an emoji spell for the coronavirus

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable? More or less, I feel like I'm decently knowledgeable but not enough to be a teacher or leader

17. Do you write your own spells? Yes I do

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up? I do have one, its a very personal one that includes more than just magic almost like a journal. I write down information I want to be able to look back at as well as any spells and rituals I write myself and tarot readings for myself, and sometimes dreams.

19. Do you worship nature? I do

20. What is your favorite gemstone? Opal

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work? No I don't, I wouldn't be against it though

22. Do you have an altar? Yes, kind of. Its really messy rn and doesn't really look like an altar

23. What is your preferred element? Either Earth or Air, I'm always stuck between those two

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist? Not at all lol I've never made any sort of potion

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch? Nope, though I do have an interest in cryptozoology but I don't know if that counts

26. What got you interested in witchcraft? Tbh I wanted to turn myself into a mermaid or a wolf (which is why I started in middle school lmao)

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch? No I haven't, just cause I focus so much on energy work, sometime I find other people's energy distracting

28. Have you ever used ouija? Yep, nothing really happened though

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic? Not really, maybe to a certain extent.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it? I feel like a Deer is my spirit guide

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started? I need to lower my expectations and I need to focus on feeling the magic over going through the motions

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite? I try to! Doesn't always work out for me lol, I really like both Litha and Samhain

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children? Yes I plan too

34. Do you meditate? Yes, but not as often as I should

35. What is your favorite season? Winter, I feel like all seasons have their perks though and living somewhere with one season would suck ass

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform? Energy magic, as a witch that doesn't have good access to supplies (and space) it is the easiest for me (I have a post all about energy magic on my profile too)

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life? Energy magic makes it really easy, like brushing my teeth or hair, taking a shower, even making food can all have a magical element to it

38. What is your favorite witchy movie? Honestly? Casper Meets Wendy lol, or the Halloweentown movies, or the Twitches movie

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why? I haven't really read very many witchy books ngl

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not. Again, this was back in middle school, I did a spell on the full moon to turn into a werewolf. Obviously not successful

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you? I did a cleansing spell on my dorm room my freshman year of college once a week cause I had a toxic ass roommate and she requested a room change before the end of the semester because of a "bad smell" that no one else could smell but her.

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use? I don't use candles, because I'm not allowed to have them in my school dorms, I want to get into candles more though

43. What is your favorite witchy tool? My tarot cards lol

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools? Nope, I want to though

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits? Not really, I dabble in it here and there though. I would love to work with the fae more though

46. Do you practice color magic? Yes, all the time

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind? Nope

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies? Online, I mostly use stuff I find around my house or on the ground outside though

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate? Not fully, I think every person is born with a long list of possible fates and the paths you choose in life determines where you end up

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice? I try to do free tarot reading on here or meditate more, sometimes looking through my book of shadows helps too

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences? Yeah I've had a few

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve? When people try to say there is a certain way you have to practice and some forms of witchcraft "aren't real witchcraft" just cause they don't practice in that way

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent? I do, I don't really have a favorite, I like trying a bunch of different kinds at once

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind? I kind of write my dreams down in my book of shadows, I don't keep up with it very well though

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster? I can't say if I've ever really had one. I did a job spell and even though I got an interview I didn't get the job, and then was unemployed for a few months until after college semester, then I got hired at my old job. In the spell I said I wanted to be hired somewhere that was as good as my old job so my spell brought me right back to it

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success? The cleansing ritual story I mentioned above. Once that roommate was out of my life I was so much happier lol.

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about? Speaking incantations, sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself lol

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too? Yes I do, especially because I am an atheist

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work? Not scared, but definitely unsure and insecure. Spell work is tricky, especially writing my own spells, I feel like I'm not doing them well enough

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain? Yeah sometimes, I get so bad about actually practicing and I want to get to the point where I practice every day and I always celebrate the Sabbaths and have a wide variety of crystals and learn astrology and so much more

61. What is something witch related that you want right now? I still need to do the money spell I wrote awhile ago, but it has to do with enchanting work uniform and I'm kinda unemployed rn

62. What is your rune of choice? I don't have any experience with runes, sorry lol

63. What is your tarot card of choice? The Star

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite? No I dont

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses? Nope

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public? I would if I had any, but I don't lol

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch? Not really, but that's because not a lot of people know about it, I definitely feel like the people that do know don't take it seriously

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines? Nope

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft? I don't think it is. I suggest it definitely but it isn't required. Its a lot if history to break down and you don't need to know the history to practice

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch? I like the feeling of all the things in the world around me, which I feel like you only get from the training you go through when learning witchcraft. I also enjoy the ability to cleanse my environment and myself

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch? No one really takes you or your craft seriously, and because of some people taking parts of the craft, I feel like being a witch is almost seen as some joke

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band? No I don't, unless you count instrumentals that raise your vibration

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how? I honestly am not sure if I do or not, I don't think I've heard any of the holidays I celebrate called that? I celebrate the pagan wheel of the year holidays so if those are apart of that then yes 😂

74. Do you ever work skyclad? I do sometimes

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how? Very much so, even though I still struggle with depression and anxiety, witchcraft has made it so much better than it use to be and I feel like I'm happier since I started practicing, my view of life has become more wholesome

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice? Nature mostly

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc) honestly yeah I do, for sure

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol? Don't have one

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not? I would, but I haven't in anything so far but that's just cause I haven't felt like a spell needed blood magic

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice? No I couldn't be, I don't want to hide parts of myself from someone that should know me better than anyone else

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow? I want to explore astrology more and include that more. I also want to do more spell work and ritual work

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice? Again I don't use candles, I do have a air scenter from Bath and Body works and I had a Pumpkin Spice Cupcake scent that was soooo good

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it? I don't, but that's because I don't really do rituals, I want to get more into them though

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice? I don't know any real life witches tbh

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity? I don't work with them so...

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients? I keep them all on the shelf below my altar, my organization skills lack a lot though

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of? Not that I know of, my family does come from Ireland though (within the last 3 generations too) so it could be possible

88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it? I created my path through growing up and becoming more aware of my surroundings, and as I matured I understand more and more what witchcraft is really about. And I did it all on my own which is what I think is unique about it

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they? I feel like I am clairvoyant to a certain degree, and I've always had above average visualization skills

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven? I feel like you can initiate yourself

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought? Nothing because I was a child with no money lol

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been? I live in Colorado when I'm not away at school and the entirety of the mountains are pretty magical

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities? I am definitely not the person for this question lol

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation? I like to sometimes put on gentle music or nature sounds, quiet every thought that comes into my head

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it? It came really easily for me, I think its cause I use to read SOOOO much as a kid

96. Do you prefer day or night? Why? Night, idk why I just feel more at peace at Night

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work? This depends on what the spell is, but generally sometime in the evening in my room is the best 😂

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly? I definitely stumble, I still struggle with casting circles

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice? I think it does, at least I feel like it comes more naturally with time and practice

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces? None of the above

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy? Yeah I do, all the time

102. What is your favorite color and why? Green, I've just always loved green since I was a kid idk why

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond? "What do witches even do?" I usually just say its complicated, because it is complicated lol

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest? I want to say my hearing but I feel like my taste is pretty good too

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice? Always cast a circle and ground yourself before a spell. I am really bad at it lol

[vanllacreme1]

it’s mac again ! i’m bringing over an old-ish oc that i hardly got to play but really loved ( which means that this intro is long bc i have a lot of thoughts about my son ) !! pls welcome my babiest baby boi, TEDDY LEUNG . 

☕ . ˚ ◝ ( lucas wong. cismale. he/him. ) theodore “teddy” leung is a twenty year old aries. the freelancer’s go-to order is vanilla creme frappe with two pumps of raspberry syrup and extra whip cream. they like to listen to ring ding dong by shinee while they wait for their order. the employees of the deja brew think they are meek but swear they’re totally optimistic as well. maybe that’s why a spray paint can, a velcro chain wallet, and earbuds remind me of them.  

PINTEREST

mentions of ptsd. injury. 9/11. deafness. 

i. born and fostered out of love, teddy leung is the son of a first generation chinese american military officer and a thai lounge singer. having met while his father was stationed overseas, his parents fell in love but just before they could get their relationship could fully bloom, teddy’s father was sent back to america. regretfully, teddy’s parents parted ways but even with an ocean between them, the culmination of their short-lived romance grew into a new life.

ii. teddy was a surprise, to everyone involved, and in fear for his love and his child’s life in the hands of her traditionalist parents ( afterall she was young, unwed and pregnant ), teddy’s father sent for her, causing her to have to leave everything she knew behind for a man she knew for only eight months. but they were in love and they both felt as if their situation was the fates telling them to be together.

iii. teddy came into the world kicking and screaming, his little lungs gasping for air as his limbs stretched out of their confines for the first time. an explosive ball of energy that his mother ate up and his father smiled down on protectively. he was their special boy, golden and proof that all their hardships -- the arguments, the alienation of her family, the stress -- was all worth it in the end.

iv. and for the first few years, it was harmonious. all focus was on raising teddy and providing for him, his father training the battalion on fort irwin and his mother working as a music teacher for the kids in the area. then, in the aftermath of 9/11, teddy’s father was deployed for five years on active duty in afghanistan where he served until a hostile bombing left him injured.

v. returning home after all that time away was an adjustment for teddy’s father, having to cope with not only the strain of physical therapy and ptsd, but also with his 7-year-old son whom he hadn’t spent any real time with since the boy was three. but, teddy, with his big, wondering eyes and even bigger, tender heart, tried to connect with his father the way he was close with his mother.

vi. but even then, there was only so much that teddy and his father could see eye to eye on. art and music became a big part of teddy’s life, while sport and the sciences were his father’s interests. it alienated them both from each other, for the short while before teddy’s father accepted a recruitment job in san diego and became busy again.

vii. in san diego, teddy found a little more independence, enrolling in the local public school instead of the school on the army base. and things were fine, again, until they weren’t. by the time teddy was 11, he developed ménière’s in his left ear, causing him to become hard of hearing on top of bouts of vertigo and tinnitus. he fought a lot with his parents then, his angsty teenage bullshit hitting an absolute peak early on when his parents wanted him to get fitted for an aid and he wanted to just let nature take its course ( he still has his one good ear, he’d argue ).

viii. eventually, they came to an agreement, that teddy would go to counselling and learn asl in lieu of getting an aid, and that teddy wouldn’t complain when his family relocated again in the beginning of his freshman year of high school. moving, this time to colorado, drove a deeper wedge between teddy and his father. and as much as he loves the man, they just didn’t seem to click anymore.

ix. so teddy tried to be a good son for him, focused on school and behaved the best he could. it was only after teddy started applying for university, that he felt the spark of excitement again. the possibility of going back to the place he was the longest, to southern california, was all that he cared about. his college years were going to be the time he became more independent from his parents, finally gaining some semblance of his own person beyond what his parents tried to mold him into.

***DISCLAIMER: teddy is written by a hearing person and his condition may be written inaccurately. please know that i am not at all trying to offend anyone who is HoH and that i will do my best to research and be mindful of the portrayal of his hearing loss. that being said, if you are offended by the way i portray his hearing loss in any capacity, please message me privately so we can have a conversation and i can learn from my mistake.

quick fax  

- is an army brat so he moved around a lot growing up ; spent high school years elsewhere, but moved back to cali for university  - is studying accounting bc ,,, idk its stable and he’s never really had stability in his life until now - such a glass half full person but is that one ‘ everything is fine ’ meme  - will try anything once ; whether or not it sticks depends on how much he ends up enjoying it - would also stand up 2 someone but immediately regret it after - is hard of hearing in his left ear ( ménière’s disease ) so he will lean toward the noise to hear better aka im so sorry if he’s in ur bubble, he just cant hear what uR’E SAYING  - he’s ,,, ,v loud w/o realizing it  - bc of his meniere’s he can’t have caffeine ( lol ) but he likes the cafe culture and likes to go to deja brew to sketch - also has earbuds in like 24/7 ; gets nagged by his mom that he SHOULDN’T but like ,,,, he’s accepted that his hearing is gonna get worse anyway so LMAO - doesn’t wear an aid and hasn’t used sign language in a very long time but still remembers a lot of it - teddy vc: what ?  - does the graffiti on the weekends , pls dont tell his mom ; art is his “hobby” as his dad would say , v artistic and likes to go to moca on their free nights  - loves all kinds of music, esp mongolian throat singing ; impressionism is his favorite art movement ; thinks rupi kaur is a charlatan but she’s making money off white people so : / - has a tattoo on his right buttcheek bc why not , someone probably dared him to - naturally wakes up at 6 am, no matter how late he was up the night before ; goes on morning runs  - incidentally, he also takes a lot of naps during the day - is technically (f)unemployed ; answers craigslist ads for cash, nothing shady, just like cleans old ladies homes and helps people move furniture - owns a second hand bicycle with a woven basket in the front uwu ; may or may not have found it at a junk yard - will stop to pet a dog on the side of the street ; will also point out animals when he passes them   - think andy dwyer, john mulaney, jake peralta, miles morales, jason mendoza and others i cant care to look up rn but u get the idea i hope 

possible connections

roommates / housemates, classmates / schoolmates, friends, enemies ( tho he’d probably cry if u told him u didnt like him ), lovers / ex lovers, etc. whatever come yell at me if u want something. find me here or on discord ( 𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖉 𝖔𝖚𝖙 𝖒𝖞 𝖜𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖙, 𝖙𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖓𝖎𝖈#3596 ) 

[sincerelydayyy]

just venting and playing catch up as it were. feel free to read if you like. 

I miss having energy. It’s why I feel like I don’t get much done lately. Probably comes with being unemployed for so long (this may be changing soon...I fucking hope) but also some days I can burn through books, chapters/one-shots I’m writing or editing, and other days I do something for like twenty minutes then I go curl up in my bed and go take a nap even though I hadn’t been up that long. 

I think it’s half depression too. Even if I’m not sad really, my body just can’t deal with the lack of substance in my life. 

Btw I’ve been through so much in the last week. For those who don’t follow me on Twitter or discord you missed the whole wedding fiasco. Here’s a thread of me going through what happened the night of my mom’s wedding. The rough cut is that things got bad when my now stepdad collapsed post mom joining him at the altar because of his low blood sugar (as a diabetic). It was fucking terrifying and they didn’t finish the ceremony until the next day and considering I’m me I had to try to deal with things and be there for my brothers while taking very little care of myself. So I was so exhausted that I didn’t end up at the actual part where they said their vows in the pastor’s house (he’s also kinda related to us which is kinda funny because I’ve known him my whole life but never asked until the rehearsals what exactly his relation was lol). It’s safe to say I did a lot of crashing trying to catch up on sleep after crying so much.

Also, stepdad wants to adopt me as his daughter *insert good feels about being accepted by someone I care about*, I’ve been trying to cry about it. It’s just so NICE. 

An annoyance: my ex-bf is trying to add me on FB of which I don’t really go on but I still haven’t decided what I wanted to do about it. So it’s just sitting unanswered because I really couldn’t care less. I thought he got the message that I don’t really care anymore and that he kinda makes me feel uncomfortable esp after the stalkerish vibes I got after we broke up and he decided he didn’t really want to be friends even though he said he did...weeks go by and then suddenly he’s trying to talk to me on every social media format I have. I think it’s probably best that I decline the request to save myself a headache in having to deal with one more guy that is trying to get something from me that I will never give away out of pressure. Fuck pressuring people. 

My sleep schedule is so done at this point. I don’t think it’s fixable at this point but I keep trying to at least be on my way to sleep by midnight as long as I have some medication to help or I won’t sleep until early mornings on my own. Honestly, don’t know if that’s true either. I don’t think I can sleep on my own without some help which is pretty sad. But I’ve known that for a while. Maybe if I get a job at this cursed place (my brother has been working there for like 3 years) I can sort my sleep. A routine should help me get back on some form of a track. At least that’s my hope.

I don’t know I’m in a better place but I’m still not doing super great either. I’m just meh...with a load of just feeling so exhausted every day with small sparks of energy at weird times of the day where I maybe can write a word or two. Otherwise, I guess I’m still here. 

[katastrophizing]

So, I posted this on Reddit, but I figured I would post here as well!

Bit of a long post, but I want to share some detail about my weight loss/fitness journey...

I'm a 25-year-old female that, through CICO (Calories In, Calories Out), has been able to drop from my highest weight of 200 lbs (January 2016) to a healthy, fit 125 lbs (though in the pic I've posted is when I was probably closer to ~187 lbs). Also, I'm about 5'7", for reference. I actually lost the first 65 lbs in about seven or eight months (I know that's very quick, but I was very determined!) with drastic lifestyle changes. I was very depressed at close to my highest weight. I've been diagnosed with manic depression and generalized anxiety for about nine years now, but it got especially bad around December 2015/January 2016 when I was the heaviest and most physically unhealthy I had ever been. I was barely motivated to get out of bed some days, I had no job, hardly any friends, and I was a serious emotional overeater with major self-esteem and confidence issues. But one morning, by the grace of God maybe, IDK I really can't even explain what happened (maybe it's because the first number on the scale was, for the first time, a 2 and not a 1), after a long crying/self-pity session, something just kinda stirred within me. Like an epiphany of some sort. At that moment, I decided I was going to stop making excuses and acting like a victim to my misery and obesity, that enough was enough. I was sick and tired of being unhealthy, overweight, and miserable. I wanted to gain control of my life. I had tried numerous attempts at weight loss before, but never could stick with any kind of routine or diet for longer than about two weeks. But this time it was gonna be different, I decided. So, I put on a pair of sweatpants and some old running shoes I had lying around and I left my house with my hardly-used Fitbit watch (that I had received as a Christmas gift from my mom about a month earlier), and I just. started. walking... I wasn't sure where I was gonna walk to or for how long, but I wanted to do ANYTHING other than just sit at home and be miserable. So, I put in my earbuds, turned on some upbeat music, and just kept walking. I walked for about two hours around my neighborhood and when I got back to my place, I realized that I had walked five miles! And it felt good... It was just one walk (granted, a really long one), but I decided I was gonna make it a habit. I started going on daily five-mile walks that I had mapped out around my neighborhood, and actually usually twice in a day (one walk in early morning and one in late afternoon), since I was unemployed/not in school and had extra time on my hands. My feet/legs were definitely hurting and sore at first, but gel inserts for my shoes really helped a lot. This long-distance walking was nearly every day for about four or five months, a time period in which I dropped about 40-45 lbs. The first 15 or 20 being in the first month alone. As the weight dropped and I was eating healthier/becoming a lot more active, my overall confidence was increasing, my sleep, "brain fog", and feelings of "meh" (as I call it) were all improving/diminishing, and my energy levels were higher than they had been in a very long time. I was even starting to get some compliments from family and people around me who noticed my weight loss and my overall change in mood/attitude, which felt pretty good honestly.

My CICO was monitored pretty thoroughly through consistent food logging on the app, "My Fitness Pal", and activity monitoring on my Fitbit HR watch. Diet, in summary, was mainly cutting out soda (for good! To this day, I still don't drink soda.) and fast food (though I admit I will now occasionally have fast food as a "cheat meal"), drinking lots of water, and I greatly decreased my intake of refined carbs/sugars. I replaced a lot of these foods that I was used to eating with more protein-rich foods/fruits &veggies/healthy fats & carbs. Less crap, basically. It was very difficult at first because I loved things like Kraft mac and cheese and Dr. Pepper. I also had a horrible habit of overeating in general and eating out of boredom, rather than when feeling truly hungry. However, I was determined to change. As I practiced more self-discipline and started noticing results in how I looked/felt, the cravings lessened and became easier to combat. I realized I could eat healthier, fewer calories and still feel satiated.

And though I know it's not usually advised to go higher than a 1,000 calorie deficit a day without consulting a medical professional first, my daily step count was averaging about 27,000 (which, for my weight then, was a LOT of burned calories) and my overall caloric deficit was usually anywhere between 700 and 1,500 (but I was careful to not ever eat below 1200 calories for the day and generally my consumption was between 1500 and 2000). I was losing a steady 2-3 lbs a week and feeling pretty awesome as I noticed results not only in the mirror, but with how I carried myself and my overall attitude.

I hit a relatively short three-week plateau in May (I think?) which was frustrating at first, but caused me to switch up my fitness routine a bit. I started mixing in some higher-intensity cardio such as jogging (could barely jog a half mile at first, but now I go anywhere between 2-6 miles) and hiking local trails. I also incorporated some at-home strength training using 5 or 8 lb dumbbells three times a week to help with overall body composition and fat loss. By early July, I had lost about 55 lbs , was at what's considered a healthy and no longer overweight BMI, and finally felt confident enough to go out and look for a job again. I landed a decent job after my first interview, something I would have not even thought possible 6 or 7 months earlier.

I hit my first major weight loss goal of 65 lbs, weighing 135 lbs, in late August, I believe? (As you can see, I can't quite remember the exact timeline right now lol). I maintained this weight for about six months, but still felt like I could maybe "cut" and get some more muscle definition. So, just these last six weeks, I've lost ten more pounds and have attained a more ~toned~ look through yoga, running, heavier weights at the gym, and hardly any going out/drinking [Though I know it's not exactly beneficial for weight loss, I still have drunk some alcohol throughout this journey. It used to be mainly very sugary drinks (i.e. whiskey/coke) when I was fat, but I switched to a not as bad vodka/club soda while I was losing weight.] I don't think I want/need to lose any more weight at this point, I might try to add some muscle/weight even, but I can't express enough how much this experience has changed my life in SO many aspects, not even just physical health and appearance [though that's definitely a huge (no pun intended) plus!]. Like I mentioned, I have more confidence overall, more emotional stability, my bipolar/depression and anxiety symptoms have been significantly alleviated, and I feel like a productive member of society again (I'm also attending college again and planning for a new career path). Of course I still have my ups, downs, issues, and insecurities (who doesn't?), but I've definitely come a long way and am pretty proud of that. I feel like a whole new person. And this newfound wellness obviously isn't JUST because the number on the scale has changed, but it's a result of the diet and lifestyle changes I incorporated to lose the weight in the first place.

Though I wouldn't call what I did disordered or dangerous, I realize that what worked for me may not be the healthiest or most realistic options for everyone. I lost a pretty significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time. I would definitely advise consulting a doctor or medical professional before trying anything that might be considered too extreme or drastic! The focus should not be on how fast you lose the weight though, but rather making permanent (yet sustainable), healthy lifestyle changes that take you in the right direction. Additional advice I would offer is to remember to not compare your progress to anyone else's or let a "setback" keep you feeling defeated and/or prevent you from moving forward. As long as you keep at it and don't give up, then you're on the right track and results will come! :) Any questions, feel free to ask!