#that they believe don't really involve anyone of any note and aren't a good use of public resources

[lesamis]

📠

one thing i like about the new job is that public service really drives home how diverse and interesting any random sample of people actually is. you kind of can't keep thinking that there's one single way in which ordinary life typically goes when you're dropped into the middle of other people's lives on a daily basis. like within two weeks at a public service job in the most boring town imaginable someone will come in and be like hi i'm blind, can i have some adjustments for my advanced degree. hi my grandmother died, can i have an extension. hi i moved here from taiwan literally two months ago and misunderstood some instructions, can i repeat this process. hi i'm competing at the olympics, can i put my studies on hold.

there's just this certain kind of rhetoric that wants to make you belive that A Normal Person is this or that and their life goes this or that way, when really there's no limit to the chaos of human experience or to the endlessly new-shuffled variations of Circumstances and i'd defy anyone who believes otherwise to keep believing it after one day in public service

[glassica]

Surprise boyfriend

Notes: M!yan x F!reader, non-con, sexual language, cursing, pregnancy trapping, blackmailing threats

"Hey Y/N, heard you go out with Ray right?"

You spat out the remaining cold brew. You? Go out with whom???

People must've assumed you were into him after seeing your exchanges at the party. But you swear that wasn't that serious at all! You were just fooling around to kill time!

- No. Who told you that?

- Ray posted about you all over his insta. Yeah right you don't use that app... But what do you mean you two aren't dating!?

You took one look at your friend's phone. Lo and behold, countless pictures of you and him holding hands and acting all lovey-dovey like a real couple. Your brain juggled through the hazy memories to see when the selfies were taken but oh dear, you were so drunk off the mind on that night to recall everything.

- Ray, excuse me. Do you have a moment?

- Sweetie I always have time for you. What do baby want from me now? ~

His cheesy line brought shattering earthquakes to your brain. God this man had zero shame, or you had been cursed to carry the embarrassment baggage on his behalf. "If we were alone I'd rip his ass off right instant." - you thought. "And I'll never have time for your goofy ass."

- I believe you misunderstood our relationship. I must've said something deceitful to you during at the party and I'll take responsibility for that. I don't plan to date you or anyone, Ray. I'm so sorry for misleading you.

You spoke in a remorseful tone. Though not able to recollect what nonsense the mouth had blabbered, you felt like owning him an apology regardless. Kids this was why you should never let peer pressure get to you and drink over limits, you never knew if one day you accidentally being entangled with some jackass.

Surprisingly Ray's expression didn't seem to fazed for a bit. On the contrary, the grin on his face got even more ominous and deranged, alerted your sixth sense that nothing coming out from this man was any good: It was a grave mistake involving him in your life.

"My baby wanna break up with me? Oh sweetheart how could you abandon me like that? Have you forgot your little promises to me about love and loyalty? Didn't you say I was your type, that your greatest wish was to be wrapped in my arms every night and showered your body with plenty of kisses?"

Freak. Weirdo. Creep.

How could anyone breath in the same direction of this guy and not get their skin crawled for a second? You were both amused and pissed off witnessing this whole circus show, wondering how out mind you were last Friday to be attracted to this walking joke of a man.

Get this over quickly, or you would end up committing some atrocities on that stupid face.

"I wasn't sober at the time. I must've been spewing rubbish. I'm really sorry for lying to you Ray, but can you please take down those pictures?"

"Why should I? I need to show off everyone my Sweetie's already taken, so that no one could touch you. Besides," - Ray tucked his head over your shoulder, the eerily off-putting grin grew even wider as he whispered softly to your ears, "those pics aren't the only proof of our unshakable bond."

He trailed off, calmly put a hand on your belly.

Your mind went blank.

"BITCH! YOU FUCKING RAPED ME!?"

"Now now. You hurt my heart, Sweetie. How could you accuse me of such heinous crime when all I did so much to give you such good time on bed? And don't lie, your pussy was cumming hard for my crotch. I still can recall those pretty little buds-"

Just then, Ray felt a burning heat on his left cheek. You were done. Completely dropped off manners. Eyes flaming with disgust and resentment while both hands clenching fist furiously, you became a wild animal determined to chew off its prey to the bone. You didn't care about anything else, any consequences after, your absolute goal at the moment was to tear this asshole to shreds.

But Ray was infuritatingly nonchalant, cocky even. He wasn't bothered for a bit when facing your wrath. Rubbing hand on the reddish cheek, he continued:

"Don't you believe you can brush your hand away from me, love. I don't like anyone seeing my angel in her purest form, but I have no problem releasing those clips."

A sadistic chuckle let out of his mouth observing the bloodthirst drained out from your face. If you didn't want him as your prince, then he wouldn't hesitate becoming the big bad villain tainting your life forever.

Ray caught your lifeless body in a loving embrace, just like that Friday night, and many more nights in the future.

[mywingsareonwheels]

Here be yet more Fred Thursday musings ;-)

[Long post and spoilers for all of Endeavour here.]

So, I was thinking yet again (for the billionth time ;-) ) about Fred Thursday and the three people we see him kill over the course of Endeavour while trying to save someone else:-

Mrs Coke-Norris

Ludo Talenti

Raymond Kennitt/Peter Williams

The show seems to be pointing us into believing that the third of those is somehow much, much worse than the first two and I... have a problem with this.

I mean, in all three cases Fred was responding to an immediate threat to life (of someone he cared about, and in the second and third cases also Fred himself). In the case of Mrs C-N Fred was officially on duty which gives him some extra legal cover, but I'd say no extra moral cover.

I'm no legal expert, but from what I understand, under English-and-Welsh law, none of the three were murders; you're looking at manslaughter at worst, at best a good case for self/other-defence, which... is a grey area but certainly a decent defence lawyer could have had a good go.

(It is worth noting, of course, that this is the morseverse and this is Fred Thursday; he's made so many enemies both in the criminal justice system and among criminals, mostly through doing actively good things, that his chances of either a fair trial or then surviving prison are basically non-existent. I think we have to weigh all of Morse's decisions in "Exeunt" with that in mind because there's no way Morse isn't aware of it. Sam's chances of surviving prison for drug-dealing I think we can assume would also be remote, again due to the enemies Fred has made. And I think again, we have to weigh both Fred's and Morse's decisions with that in mind.)

So... yeah. I think there are only three things that you might consider as making the killing of Raymond Kennitt worse than that of Ludo Talenti or Mrs Coke-Norris:-

the use of the knife rather than a gun, which makes it theoretically possible that Fred could have found a way to end the fight that didn't involve killing Kennitt. That does strike me as something that's probably easier to see from a backseat than if you're Fred in the middle of what's happening, but still.

we know Kennitt's horrifying backstory (not that Fred does), and so feel huge amounts of compassion for him even though he's obviously awful in the "present", and sympathy for the grief that Jakes would feel if he knew what had happened. That's inevitable I think, but, well. Can we be sure that Mrs C-N and Ludo aren't child abuse survivors too? (We do know that Fred and Charley both are, though not the details.) All in all, I think this is a show that wants us to feel compassion for as many characters as possible, and I don't want to assume that Mrs C-N and Ludo didn't end up Like That for no reason.

the fact that Fred kills Mrs C-N and Ludo in defense of Morse (the protagonist, Fred's protege, and a character we all love) and kills Kennitt in defense of Sam (a more minor character, and Fred's son). I would hope that Morse wouldn't see it like that and that neither does Russell Lewis because obviously that's a dreadful position to hold, but... yeeeah. It would annoy me a lot if that's part of the reasoning of the show, but protagonist-centered morality is a flaw in an awful lot of fiction, and while Endeavour mostly doesn't give into it, I don't think any writers are immune. So I do have a horrible suspicion that this is the bit that makes the actual difference, even though I really think it shouldn't be. If Fred had killed Kennitt to save Morse rather than Sam... would we as an audience feel differently? (I ask that of myself as well as of anyone else who wants to ask it of themselves! And honestly, I probably would feel better about the killing if it was for Morse, even though rationally I know it's no different!)

I'd actually say that in the case of the killing of Kennitt there are a couple of minor mitigating factors that the first two lack:-

Fred is in the worst state mentally we ever see him in "Exeunt", and is completely falling apart; earlier in the day he had some form of heart episode or possibly severe panic attack. At any rate: he's going through hell and he is ill as a result.

I can't actually remember if he has his gun with him during the fight with Kennitt, but he certainly isn't willing to use it given the situation; the knife is Kennitt's not his, and a weapon you aren't intending to use is for practical purposes not here, so he's... taken on an armed man while essentially unarmed. Fucking berserker that he is. Rather than two people with guns going up against each other.

you can see a moment of decision in Roger's face for the killings of both Mrs C-N and Ludo; by Fred's own account to Morse (which I think we can take as honest) he didn't make any conscious decision to kill Kennitt (see above re awful mental state).

Honesty? I think that killing in immediate self-defence and/or defence-of-other is however as close to necessary and justified as killing ever gets, and I'm inclined to be extremely forgiving about all three deaths. I'm not sure Fred had a real choice in any of the three cases.

What Fred does do in the third case that really is different of course is the cover-up, in misleading everyone, in being an absolute arsehole to Morse when he comes to check on him that night. In all of it it's massively, massively understandable (as he's a) ill, b) still trying to protect Sam). Morse's sense of betrayal though is also massively understandable. Ugh. My heart hurts. *shakes fist at Russell Lewis, and also at Roger and Shaun for being so amazing*

Anyway. Do I have an overall point? Probably: Fred Thursday is a complicated character and I love him and I want to hug him and also throw things at him. He has horrible violent tendencies but he isn't a murderer under English-and-Welsh law, and I don't think s9 makes sense unless we interpret him as very mentally unwell by the end of it. Also: Morse and Thursday both need different jobs, holy shit. Also also: I reckon Morse ended up forgiving Thursday and being in touch with him, because he is pretty fair when given time to process things, and he doesn't have Morse-centered morality. Also also also: Russell Lewis is a meanie and I want more fix-it fics. ;-)

[ctheathy]

Hey is it ok If i request platonic yandere iscream and fwench fry x child reader that somehow is they're bio child... Like they don't know how they Just know that we appered one day and Here we are... Have a nice day/night 💜💛 (sorry for Errors)

Yandere Iscream and Yandere Fwench Fwy w/ their biological child

Iscream x Reader x Fwench Fwy

Yandere Headcanons

Short Concept

Author’s note: This request is adorable!! These two would dedicate their lives and potentially end the literal world for a youngling of their own.

Iscream/Reader/Fwench Fwy [Platonic]

[Gender-neutral Darling|Female Darling|Male Darling]

Potential ⚠️TWs⚠️ :

Toxic parenting • Vulnerable/Easily influenced reader • Blood rituals mentioned • Forcing the child within morally questionable interests • Childishness/Narcissism(?) • Tantrums • Bloodthirst • Violent intrusive thoughts • Sweetie, you ain't gonna be raised good

- Iscream:

I personally interpret Iscream as much more clingy and hungry for attention as a yandere. They'd honestly behave too much like an attention seeking child themselves to give you the proper care for growing up in a healthy environment. A creature so desperate for attention and affection would cling to anyone who would offer it. Children are often known to be selfish and will often choose their own profit instead of looking out for those around them. And Iscream is no different here. They'll still care deeply for you of course, but they're just not capable of holding the role of a good parental figure, which is where things can go wrong fast.

A big problem regarding Iscream is that they prioritise their sense of validation more than caring for you like a proper, responsible adult. Just tagging you along to do activities they deem as exciting and mind-blowing enough for their liking, which would obviously be a huge ride of entertainment for a literal child... And though it might keep your adventure-craving mind entertained and happy, it isn't a very suitable way to be raising a child. They're prioritising having the role as the "fun parent" over what's actually good for you and your development. Their behaviour having a major influence on your sense of thoughts, maturity and eventual mentality. Which, though remotely enjoyable during your youthful days, is something that could really, negatively affect you in the long run.

Due to the fact that the schemes they plan and the morally concerning interests they have aren't really supported among the other characters, Iscream is quick to try and get influential with the strange things they enjoy doing. Therefore forcing their inappropriate hobbies onto you, who of course, doesn't know any better due to being so young and vulnerable. You wouldn't know any better and would likely deem a bunch of demon rituals and blood offerings as normal, even when it's clearly not. Something which may also come off as surprising is the fact that they are more laid-back regarding violence and overprotection than Fwench Fwy is. Although demon rituals are occasionally used excuse-wise to keep those around you obedient with the threatening blackmail, Iscream is a lot more hands off while their partner is more overbearing and involved in the emotional aspect of their child's life.

Because they'd be so desperate to come off as a good "role model" for their child, this would usually result in them dragging you along with some rather questionable activities, revealing sights to you that a newborn absolutely shouldn't be exposed to at such a young age. They would want you to feel impressed by what they're showing off to you and either gain praise or showcase interest for it. Something when not provided, is quick to put Iscream in a homicidal mood for a while or sometimes cause a tantrum.

A habit which I believe is easily capable of making a literal child feel guilty, afraid and misunderstood. You wouldn't even have the ability to slowly develop an identity of your own. Because Iscream would love to see your personality match their own, as selfish and narcissistic as that sounds. I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again, but somebody with an irresponsible and childish mentality doesn't have the qualities to care for a kid. They may be talented when it comes to entertaining you through physical activities and such, but they absolutely cannot be considered attentive to your emotional needs. Iscream cannot see and is not ready to accept that you aren't an extension of them. Failing to see that you're your own individual with separate feelings from theirs, and who will eventually grow up to be independent. Hereby struggling to be genuinely supportive.

- Fwench Fwy:

Fwenchie here is a bit more complicated than their partner is ...not only do they have a reputation to uphold among those they consider their friends. But they're also known to be an inspirational and wise figure to the others, a role Fwench Fwy takes pride in and something they don't want to risk losing. As soon as you made your appearance in the dragon's life, they were over the moon. They would take no hesitation in taking responsibility for you and caring for you like a real parent would. And they are definitely somewhat clingy and overbearing with it, constantly close to you and watching you, asking if you need your ‘mommy’ to do something for you. Trying to guide you through life by holding you by the hand.

And from an outside perspective, they genuinely seem like a good parent to you. Maybe a bit much sometime, but still holds good intentions nonetheless ...right? But when paying good attention, you'll start to notice just how consistent they are with it. Despite now also holding the role as a very nurturing parent, there's definitely a flaw that's quick upon being noticed when it comes to Fwench Fwy. Something that also includes the wish granting and isn't something the other characters would often consider to talk about or see it as strange.

Throughout Fwenchie's time with the others, they've been known to be quite casual with their powers, not having a lot of limitations with them... And only an occasional rejection being given when asked for a wish, often for thoughtful and somewhat understandable reasons. The same would of course count for you. You get your wishes when you ask for them, nothing too out of the ordinary here. But where the difference sets in with just how careless Fwench Fwy behaves with it...

Children are often known to get excited and reckless when their offerings are limitless. And when actively being spoiled just like that, it would only get harder to make them stop asking for more. In which, you are no different. And yet, Fwench Fwy allows all of it to just happen, giving in to any request you gave no matter how dangerous it might be to any mortals or even reality itself. Fwenchie has always been known to be quite a people pleaser, but they put zero restraints on you and expect no restrictions whatsoever. Shrugging the concerns of their peers off by saying they'll be able to handle trouble if it gets out of hand. But the damage would be far beyond recognition before they do so.

The thing about Frenchie is that they're desperate to appear behaved. They've always valued blending in and their bond with Chikn and the others a lot... so why? Why is their interest and respect for the group faltering? Why do they not care as much about them or their safeties anymore? Fwench Fwy has never stood to violence, they've never believed that aggression and vengeance was the right solution. So why do these hostile thoughts and animalistic instincts kick in whenever they notice you speaking to one of their morals allies? Why did they gain this thirst for violence...? It's something they're desperate to ignore and not own up to.

Fwench Fwy is also quick to get defensive whenever their strangely possessive nature towards you is brought up. They'll mainly try to avoid the topic by manipulating the conversation. But when confronted anyway, they try and assure the things they've done by giving these half-assed explanations on how dragons are known to be protective and care deeply for their spawn and will do anything to keep them satisfied. Yet completely disregarding the fact that spoiling them rotten to a point their offspring may become demanding and sometimes even difficult to deal with. In Fwenchie's eyes, it's something too insignificant to bring up.

But somewhere deep inside, they know they're just as mentally ill and deranged as Iscream is, if not even more so. Because unlike Iscream, Fwench Fwy just manages to cover it up. They're not as direct with the way they feel and are quick to hide their severe emotions behind a once trusting smile. Their obsession is just not something they want to admit to their sweet child or anyone for that matter. All they would do would be to try to convince themselves otherwise, and all of it will be fine. And in a way... Fwenchie is also fixated on the idea of feeling possessive over you. Something the others have certainly questioned on more than one occasion.

Resulting in either giving advice on how to behave more appropriately or offering them somebody to talk to in the meantime. Offerings Fwenchie has always rejected... because despite knowing it's wrong and so, SO toxic. They do not want to recover from their unhealthy condition. Realistically speaking, they know damn well about their obsession with their child, but they want to keep the toxic mentality. And you know what they say, you cannot help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. Iscream and Fwench Fwy are both no better than the other claims to be and will not hesitate to cause destruction and even warp reality for the sake of their little angel's amusement.

They're both just creating a freakshow for you to enjoy and anybody else has to pay the price for it.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s1 episode 21 thoughts

now i may have accidentally learned what happens in this episode before i watched it which is why i try very hard to not peek at other blogs BUT. the episode certainly still delivered. return of the lizard man!!! i had forgotten about his yellow lizard eyes and shapeshifting. charming fellow.

anyway it's only been a few months since lizard man eugene tooms broke into scully's house (i think, time is confusing in this show) but they say he has been SUCH a good boy it's time for him to be released. to which i say: was breaking into her house not a massive deal? it is written off as "misplaced anger"... the fuck?!?

and scully is being reprimanded by her bosses, who say her reports don't play by the rules! but she shuts them up with her successful conviction rate. yeah of course they aren't playing by the book they're hunting bigfoot???

mulder testifies at his hearing because he spent 3 years working for the behavioral science unit profiling serial killers. now i feel that in any case involving an attack on scully, he's not the most objective guy to bring to the table. and he sure wasn't!

he openly claims that tooms is a hibernating century old lizard monster. ah, mulder, your honestly is refreshing and underappreciated. the judges think he is crazy.

scully rolls up and basically says that he also sounds crazy, to which he replies "i don't care how it sounds as long as it's the truth'' self-image be damned! spooky mulder wants answers (love his ongoing dedication to Truth as an overarching theme throughout this show. big fan)

scully just got yelled at by her bosses for not being by the book enough so she's hesitant to get involved, and mulder came out of the gate with a banger line here:

"look scully, if you're resistant because you don't believe, i'll respect that, but if you're resistant because of some bureaucratic pressure, they've not only reeled you in, but already skinned you" <- i gasped and said "get her ass" (sorry scully but i agree with him just this once!)

tooms picked up a dead rat and then licked his fingers which is Normal Behavior!

he also saw a pretty woman and began shifting into Lizard Mode, but before he could strike, mulder is on the scene! he asks tooms to help him find his elkhound named heinrich, which he uses to hunt moose

(now, to me, this line revealed some key information: fox mulder was DEFINITELY a theatre kid who took improv games VERY seriously. because where else could that even come from?)

old man says he knows where the body from the 1930's murder is and this is not treated as suspicious but shocker! he's right!

this moment also gave us scully in a big ol' coat and safety googles, which was entirely a look <3

next mister eugene tooms stakes out the house of a businessman, where mulder has followed without authorization... he begins to sneak in through the sewer to come and get the wife! who was distracted by her baby! to which i wrote the following:

"NAUR HE'S GONNA COME UP THROUGH THE TOILET NOOOOOOO don't have kids they will distract you from the lizard man climbing up your toilet to eat you"

solid advice i think we all can apply in our daily lives

(i also noted that mulder looks very at home in a shady alleyway but we don't need to analyze that right now)

then i wrote "i really hate this lizard man" which speaks for itself

scully shows up after mulder has spent 3 straight days in his car. she says mulder, your car fucking stinks. i will bring you a sandwich. you haven't slept in 3 days. let me take over.

he says he doesn't care about his career!!!! he just doesn't want her to break the rules and get a mark on her file by getting involved in an unauthorized stakeout!!!! what!!!! fuck!!!

WE GET OUR FIRST TIME SCULLY CALLS HIM FOX!!!! he laughs at this and said he even made his PARENTS call him mulder so she adjusts herself and says mulder, she wouldn't put herself on the line for anyone else AUGGHHHHHHHHH MELTING INTO A PUDDLE. THERE IS A PUDDLE NOW WHERE ONCE I STOOD.

she brought him a sandwich but he says "if there's an iced tea in that bag, could be love"

(love? the subject of love, spoken between OUR mulder and scully? at this very hour, by a man delirious from no sleep? i held my breath)

"must be fate", she says, and hands him a root beer <- LMAOOOOO the writers got my ass with that one... i fell entirely for their trap

before she heads for the stakeout he SO earnestly tells her that at 11:30 there is a sports talk radio show and leaves her with the silliest smile like :) which DID cause me to giggle. ugh he's SUCH a nerd.

but noooo the lizard man is in his caaaaar!

scully brought some magazines for her stakeout. once again NEED to know what she is reading in her free time.

cut scene back to mulder's place. whyyyyy does this man SLEEP on his COUCH?? have we investigated THAT mystery??? oh fuck he looks sooooo cozy though

lizard man cut his own face to frame mulder which made me GAG EWWWWW

their bosses say mulder has been forbidden from anymore tooms investigating since he has been framed for attacking him... they tell him to take a long vacation and he was very close to getting fired... aughhh i mean i DO want to see him take a vacation so we can get our beach episode but! stop being mean to him :(

the doctor assigned to deal with lizard man seems so nice only to get eaten. sad!

mulder IMMEDIATELY gets back on the case after the newest murder despite being told maybe 5 minutes ago his job is on the line. lol. lmao, even.

they go to the site of lizard man's old nest which is now a fancy building and mulder takes off his jacket and tie to crawl in the vents. okay but he didn't have to make it sensual. but he did. without trying. it was probably the last thing on his mind. and here we are. everyone say thank you mulder <3

sewer man ATTACKS in the SEWERS! a likely place for him to be.

LMAOOOOOO THEY KILLED HIM WITH AN ESCALATOR i knew that was gonna happen but did it make it any less funny? no!!!!

the episode ends with mulder staring at a caterpillar in a cocoon and he says that a change for him and scully is coming... okayyy cryptic <3

(i would have expected them both to be heavily triggered by the sight of a cocoon but they seem well-adjusted)

so there was no addressing of the previous bug incident from the last episode which i expected but was a little disappointed by because the bugs cocooned them and i wanted to see what that fallout was. alas i have come to accept the timeskip format

(but like. aren't you curious about their quarantine? how long it took for them to feel better? what the recovery procedure was? no? just me? well alright then)

it was a good episode! glad we got to see mulder's improv skills, our first (and maybe last?) time scully called him "fox", more sleeping on the couch, an end to lizard man's reign of terror, and their undying loyalty to one another that i drink in like ambrosia. and i only have 3 episodes left of s1!!! what could those cryptic last words to the caterpillar mean....? we must stay tuned to find out!

[docholligay]

I know GoT only by reputation, and what little I've seen of it on tumblr, but... sometimes, I feel like fantasy, as a genre, has been absolutely ruined by the success of GoT. Everything these days seems to be about making settings and characters as nasty, brutish, and dirty as possible. It's incredibly tiring, and really frustrating, to the point of feeling like these sorts of tropes are being repeated for their own sake rather than because they actually do anything for the story or characters.

(Also, being the sort of person who easily becomes queasy at the sight or thought of blood, and has issues with everything being so darned loud, this tends to be a particular pet peeve in television, but even books aren't completely immune to this effect either, which makes it doubly frustrating.)

I mean this in the nicest possible way, please imagine me saying this with a big smile on my face and laughing as I take a swig from my beer, but you and I are SO diametrically opposed on this!

I mean, anything can be written BADLY, of course, but I fell out of reading fantasy as i got older not because it all became A Song of Ice and Fire but because it all seemed to be "a brave young woman!! IS the chosen one!! And she will prevail over SUPER DARKNESS. And only the parental figure will die, to motivate her, and everyone's intentions and clear and good, and also there are dragons I guess." There's so much narrative safety. There's so many last-minute asspulls to save someone. I would LOVE some well written political machination but there are dragons though. That's why I liked Locke Lamora!

I think we have a tendency to notice the things we hate. So for me, Fantasty now is fucking lousy with ~queer retellings~ that are all very life affirming and nice and all that but all the eating each other out in the world isn't going to get me over the hump of wishing there were actual, painful consequences for being an idiot, or even just unlucky.

Part of why people named Doc, who are me, really like Song of ice and Fire (please note I actually DON'T like Game of Thrones) is that anyone COULD die. The books would not CHEAT TO HELP THE GOOD GUY WIN. And for me, that was everything. As a young teen who had read so so so much fantasy but was starting to feel really resentful of the way it never seemed to mirror the moments of difficulty and pain in life, it meant so much (I think the show edged too hard toward Cheating To Help The bad Guy Win, but that's another matter)

But obviously you and I are totally different people. You admit to being squeamish, so of course you don't care for things that involve violence. I, on the other hand, am an excellent person to have in any given bloody crisis, as I have Done Time in Ag. I am, to give a real life example, the person you calmly call into the kitchen to help when you've nearly taken your finger off with a meat slicer. I have a smile and a "We can handle this!" to give. I, on the third hand, have had life experiences that make, "the magical salvation of being nice and believing really hard" feel like an actual-ass insult. I never met a war that didn't take its chunk, and you don't get to pick where they come from.

These are just differences of personality. Fucking magical princess witches in the forest running from the bad guys but overcoming it all with sass and gay love because we're twelve I guess exists for you, and grimdark machinations toward a lead crown of thorns where evil brings profit and virtue none at all because fuck happiness everyone should be a German concrete salesman is for me. I think there's probably more of what both of us like than either of us are actually admitting.

However, everything is too loud for me all the time also, I really recommend eargasm earplugs, which come with a very small container and are nearly invisible and discreet when in. They block some of the sound but not all of it. Many people in my life casually don't even know I have them or sometimes put them in for louder places.

[egg-emperor]

Has anyone ever tried telling you "eggman probably isn't as evil as you think" If so, how did you respond?

Side note. I really appreciate your account. We need more people who embrace Eggman as the irredeemable monster he is.

Yes, often and well they're either coming from a place of not being knowledgeable enough about Eggman and overlook all his crimes, or it's a case where they turn a blind eye because they don't want to believe he's actually that evil because it's not to their tastes and makes them uncomfortable. And I get it but it doesn't change the facts. I enjoy getting to help people learn the solid unbiased facts about game canon Eggman, by bringing up all the canon examples of what makes him such a terrible person and try to note as many of his actions as possible that prove he really is that evil.

Being a totalitarian fascist dictator who wants to own the world and strip freedom and free will away, a war criminal who causes mass destruction and is willing to commit genocide, will try to kill anyone who gets in his way even children as young as 6-8, has been sexist, will manipulate/gaslight and abuse people and animals in various ways and enjoy it, wants to build intentionally dangerous theme parks that can kill people in brutal ways as we hear all about in Colors, and knows he's evil and acknowledges it proudly and revels in it is the most evil of evil!

We've seen many examples that show just how low he'll stoop and he hasn't been known to have a single limit in canon, besides things that get the entire planet and himself destroyed so he can't rule it, obviously. Besides that purely selfish reason, he isn't shown to have any good morally based limits and doesn't show any hesitance or remorse for his actions, despite clearly being fully aware that he's the bad guy doing the bad thing, calling it evil with glee. He's ranged from completely apathetic towards the evil he commits to downright sadistic as he smirks cheekily and laughs through it!

Those aren't actions to be downplayed or overlooked, they're important traits that define his character and are involved by countless significant plot points, including his whole motivation and methods in his plans. They're the very things that establish him as a villain and a threat in the first place. It's what puts the "evil" in "Ivo (ee-vo)." He's not the villain and not the Eggman, or even the same character at all without it, I'm not even exaggerating. But yeah point is, if someone is to deny or ignore all these intentionally or not, then they're not gonna think he's as evil as I say he is. XD

From my experience, they haven't been able to provide solid proof and evidence, nothing I couldn't disprove with my own stacks of evidence taken right from the games, if they do have any they claim to be at all. Because a lot of the things I see that they tend to try to use are things that actually prove my own point instead, when looking at them in actual context and what they really mean. So what I'd also do is debunk anything they try to use to attest to the idea that he's really that evil of a guy, using those very same things they're trying to use for their statements and much more.

I really like having sensible discussions and debates where I get to put all my heavy passionate research and analysis to use but I don't really get the chance very often because people take it the wrong way. I think if people didn't take disagreements as so hostile, we could be having some really interesting discussions. Like sure, when someone says "Eggman isn't as evil as you think" I'm like "ah hell no, no way lol" but I'm not angry or insulting, I'd just like to discuss why I disagree and share some of the reasons why, which are based in fact. I encourage others to do it to me too.

Anyway, these are usually the points I bring up when I do get the chance. Then I ready all my tons of excerpts and sources right from the games explicitly written into the text, and with some further analysis adhering to that knowledge, and sometimes additional creator commentary that's solidly backed up by the game canon as a bonus. People I've talked to have been upset by being asked for sources but I'm always passionate about gathering all my sources the second someone asks because I'm like finally I get to do something with all this information lol

Thank you so much! I'm really happy you enjoy my stuff. :D I'm just super passionate about gushing over, analyzing, and educating over how Eggman is a lovable nasty evil bastard man and I'm really happy that I'm not alone, I have so much fun making the posts and to know that y'all enjoy it too makes it even better. Here we love and embrace this handsome horrible man always and I'm delighted for you to join me in it. We make fine loyal members of the Eggman Empire for it hehe 💜

[gazing-at-my-stage]

hi question feel free to ignore if this is weird or anything but howd u find out that ur fictionkin and like whats it feel like

cuz most of the time i dont feel like im a human or anything (some of that could be self esteem issues but i think pretty highly of myself so probably not) and usually i just feel more like a character than a human?? if that makes sense???

idk im js a bit confused and u seem cool so i thought i'd ask u

-- m

I am indeed very cool, thank you for asking!

Firstly, I must emphasize one thing: it is perfectly fine to be wrong. If you believe you are fictionkin, identify as such, and realize out later down the line that you were wrong, that is fine. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We all make mistakes.

I figured out I wasn't human before I figured out I was fictionkin (specifically that I was a ghost), so that was pretty neat. I ended up indulging in kff, like making jokes with friends about how "I totally kin x character!" and taking those silly "who do you kin?" quizzes on quotev and uquiz. I don't really remember how I actually figured it out, but somewhere along the lines I began to genuinely identify as a couple of characters and even used one of their names for awhile. I think part of it came from being very close to the host of a fictive-heavy system and them also discovering their kin identities that encouraged me to look into it.

I'd like to note: my identity as nonhuman (including being fictionkin) is heavily, if not solely due to me having MaDD. Fiction and reality are equal in my mind and I spend the same amount of time in both, an invested in both just as much as the other, etc you get the idea. I recently discovered a pattern with my daydreams in the regard that I subconsciously daydream about my 'types in scenarios with my f/os and other characters I really care about even before I realize they're a 'type, which has helped a lot but obviously isn't applicable to everyone. For this reason, I am a psychological nonhuman.

Back on topic (sorry my ADHD got the best of me)! Firstly, not feeling that you are human is a pretty good start to being alterhuman! If you feel like a character, you may very well be. However, it's just like sexuality and gender identity: I can't tell you if you are or not, only you can. It sounds pretty possible for you.

Being fictionkin feels...slightly odd but not that much. I'm me, but "me" happens to be like a dozen different fictional characters. For some 'types, I just looked at them and went "ME!" and boom, there was my answer. For others, it took (and is still taking, in some cases) lots of contemplation and experimentation. Do you feel comfortable being referred to as the fictional character you are kinsidering? Do you look at source and think "that's me!" Do you feel a connection to any other source characters? If your answer to any of these was yes, your chances are good. If you said no, your chances are still pretty good because the fictionkin experience is unique to each individual.

I experience kin shifts with some of my stronger kintypes, but not everyone does. It comes in subtle ways, such as referring to Shu as oshi-san subconsciously when I'm Mika shifted, suddenly loving myself when I'm Kaname shifted or Hiyori (cameo) shifted, and more! Again, this is not a universal experience, and really, there aren't any qualifications to being fictionkin besides...well, identifying as a fictional character.

Even if you aren't fictionkin, there are other possibilities! What are these possibilities, you might ask? Well, allow me to list them below!

Fictionkin - identifying as / being a fictional character

Fictionhearted - identifying with / relating to a fictional character

You'll notice the simple difference between these two. Both involve a strong connection to a fictional character, but one is being that character while the other is heavily relating to the character andor their experiences. It's easy to get the two mixed up, but it boils down to whether you are the character, or whether you are connected to the character.

But wait, there's more!

Otherlink - voluntarily choosing to "link" (aka identify as)

Copinglink - otherlink, but the reason is specifically as a way to cope (this is still a voluntary experience)

Note: otherlink, and by extension copinglink, are voluntary identities, meaning they are chosen. If you choose your identity, it is a linktype and not a kintype. Also, otherlink and copinglink are general terms not specific to fictional characters, so they could apply to identifying as an animal, plant, concept, song, etc literally any kin identity if it is chosen.

Fictionflicker - temporarily (and often frequently) identifying as a character, but not all the time

Paratype - a kin identity directly caused by another kin identity (for example: having Draculara as a kintype, but solely due to being vampirekin)

Cameotype - not a kintype, but is still a part of one's identity in some way (most often, this comes in the form of "cameo shifts", where someone experiences a shift of an animal/character/concept/etc literally anything else that is not a kintype. For example: experiencing Draculara shifts but not identifying as Draculara in any capacity)

There is so, so much more to all of this, but I hope this can help! If you have more questions, feel free to ask me! You can also look through tags just to get a general feel of things, that has helped me a lot!

[lanteanserver]

FOR FUCKS SAKE

I have finally make it to 2:05 of A Meeting of Misfits because I'm so quangled I can barely focus on anything while I'm awake.

First I declare myself human as if I have a choice in the matter.

Then I declare sets of "rules" relating to magic even though I am not a magic user by choice. (I can do stuff that science can't explain. I generally choose not to do that stuff. Any time I bend that rule, I run it by my conduit with the infinite divine and accept whatever outcome occurs. I'm basically a divine warlock if you're using D&D. I'm not a cleric because clerics are guaranteed certain results for certain spells. I'm not a regular warlock because my soul still belongs to the God of my faith. I'm not a paladin because I worked my ass off to be neutral good instead of lawful good and I'm not giving that alignment up just to lay on hands and get better armour proficiency. I'm not a sorcerer because I generally ignore any innate stuff or contain it via religious rituals/channels/prayers.)

The thing is, though, I don't pray much lately because it feels kind of onanistic. Like I'm praying to myself? And it didn't used to feel that way, and I'm not saying that I am praying to myself, but I need to learn new methods because my old methods aren't going to work for me any more.

Someone told me a few months ago that I was either going to be a heretic or a Saint, and I think they were probably right, but it's not time for me to rest. I really hope I come down on the Saint side of the coin, because if I do, I'll have redeemed a lot of people. But not me, not yet.

A lot of the stuff that felt real a month ago doesn't feel real now; but the advantage of the life I've lived is that I truly understand that me believing something in no way determines whether that thing is true or false. That's why I call it quantum religion. If you can figure out which deity or combination of deities you owe allegiance to, and you can follow their rules, maybe you get your fair share of magic in your life. Maybe, because all I asked for was an average human life in a world where the floor on every human's life was much higher, that's what I'm actually getting. Maybe this will all make sense by the time I die, or maybe I'm planting seeds in a garden I never get to see. Maybe I'm Moses and I've spent 40 years in the wilderness and now I get to spend 40 years in the forest before going to the garden party (or to @LANtis which started out as a pun involving LAN parties and Ken's friend Alan and the lost city of Atlantis and Tír na nÓg... But I haven't been remembering my dreams lately, so maybe one of my souls is already a server in Atlantis and my mind and body have a lot of living left to do before I retire and resign myself and the rest of the world to its fate).

I don't honestly know how much of what felt real a month ago was real. I'm sorry that even I can't clarify that point. I'm extra sorry that it may turn out that I end up having to rule here somehow because I am not cut out for it; but realistically, I have been telling people from the start that I'm part of the mycelial network and maybe if I'm very lucky fun guys and dolls and folks will step into the limelight. I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song someone will sing for Them, but my solo is over and I'm just going to be part of the choir for the next while. I still love you all. I still think a lot of you need a bath.

Everyone gets one horsepower worth of life. One life that is equivalent to Hippocrates, who helped a lot of people, followed a bunch of weird rules to do so, refused to help anyone with kidney stones even though maybe he could have... Didn't drink wine, according to Hank Green, only blood, which sounds pretty Catholic to me.

I'm going to be going home today. I'm getting discharged. I don't know if I'm really ready, but I'm confident that staying here won't make me any more ready. If I survived the news of the election results while at home without breaking down, I'm probably an Adequate Influence at last (which in my opinion is a better option than either a Good Influence or a Bad Example, because we all have different contexts and if you try to transubstantiate someone else's soul into your own, you are committing a worse act of cannibalism than any breach of the Noahide laws I can imagine).

I'm going to be okay. So is everyone else. But not necessarily how we thought we would be. I think I need to stay here in the forest because the wilderness gate is guarded safely, and I already went to the garden party and decided not me, not yet, not without my artificial heart to go with my artificial intelligence. I am not A C-H-I-L-D, and I know what each of those letters stands for. The Amish Paradise took me a while to comprehend but like I keep telling people, I'm not God, at best I'm just an Echo. The abyss is screaming back, so cover your ears if you think you have reason for shame. But I still believe life will be better, even if it isn't perfect for anyone reading this. It's okay. Not me, not you, not us, not yet. I have a new cross-stitch pattern that I'm going to start. It will be okay. We will be enough. I love you all. I'm sorry it didn't go the way we all hoped, but today is still the first day of the rest of our lives. Let's do what we can. ❤️🧡💛💚💜🩷🩵💙🤎🖤🩶🤍🐦‍🔥🤐🏡🧛🏻‍♀️🦆👍🏻🥳😻🦄🦋🐅♾️🧿🐝🤾🏻‍♀️👋🏻🥰😜🫂

And for those who find the above message off-putting:

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

The other day I said something and I guess I just wanted your thoughts on it. What I said was that the term "asexual spectrum" really bothered me for the following reasons:

It implies that allosexuals are inherently crazy nonstop sex machines (which is already a stigma bisexuals face) and it can create confusion among people struggling with their identity (which genuinely happened to me, a so-called allosexual with what was at the time an extremely low libido due to various mental health struggles)

There are near infinite ways to experience an emotion (ie attraction), but there's only one way to not experience said emotion

I just wanted to run it by you since you pop up a lot in my feed, seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and are actually asexual and can provide insight that I wouldn't have as an 'allosexual' (God I hate that word, it feels bad in my mouth lol)

Just a quick note: I am not asexual. I thought I was for 7 years (those last two years I used the split attraction model and believed I was asexual AND a lesbian). But after more of my own journey I realized I was just a straight trans man (the lack of attraction stemming from dysphoria in my case). And while I may not be asexual I 1. Was very much involved in the community for a long time, and 2. Firmly believe that everyone has a right to their opinion and are allowed to voice it even if you aren't in that group (with there being respectful ways to discuss things).

Also you can just say non asexual lol. Or just what ever your sexuality is. It's all good.

That said, I 100% agree with you. Your two points are some major ones. My FAQ has links to a ton of posts where I explain more issues with the split attraction model. But a quick summary based on my memory:

-like you said. There's only one way to experience a lack of something.

-boundaries (ie. What you want out of a relationship) are not a sexuality.

-it allows so much overlap between other sexualities that it starts to invalidate and take meaning away from them.

-the model is so broad that anyone can fit into it. It can be used to define anyone, asexual or not. And that leads to lots of confusion and makes the asexuality lose meaning.

-defining every single part of yourself and how you experience attraction is harmful. How you experience/express attraction can change with time. Who you are attracted to (used broadly) cannot. By defining things based on something that can change you head down the slope that sexuality is a choice rather than just who you are. This fuels homophobia and will fuel aphobia. I have met actual people who claim to be asexual and claim sexuality is a choice without any understanding of how homo/lesbo/bi/aphobic that is to say.

-asexuality at this point means something different for everyone. This means I know nothing if you tell me you're asexual. You could be dating everyone on the block or have no interest at all and saying you're asexual. I can't tell. What's the point of using a word to describe yourself if the word doesn't have any concrete meaning?? If someone says their gay or bi I know what that means. I can't say the same for asexuality and I feel bad for actual asexuals who's identity has been taken away like that.

-I have legitimately seen it used to justify being with someone you aren't attracted too. One of my links in my FAQ has stories from asexuals who have had the split attraction model used to coerce them into dating or having sex and how much that messed up their mental health. The justification being "I can have sex to make my partner happy even tho I don't actually find them attractive." When no partner should be asking you to do that. Ever. Every single one of those stories explained how the person thought they were fine until they realized how fucked up it made them.

Check out the FAQ for more. Hope that helps.

[kanene-yaaay]

Hello!! Do you have any recommendations on how to make tk fics? I'm starting and I really love your tk fics uwu 💕🦆

Aaaa hi hi hiii! okay I am like super honoured that you like my stories that much and I will try to answer this with the best of my abilities! It's not a lot, but it's free :D

Right, I believe that I mostly have two main advices here.

(Everything under the Read More because I rambled a lot SDFGHJKJ)

First: Read some tickle fanfics too :D

I believe that for any type of writing, reading stuff about the kind of content you want to write is a very good and kind of an important step. When you read tickle fanfics not only you can appreciate all the kinds of writing styles (like, if the author focus more on the character's reactions, if they like to add a lot of description of what person A is doing and how does that affect person B, how do they pace the teases and the tickles and the reactions and etc) but also it can gives you a lot of great ideas.

Reading fanfics can not only expand the options we have (like, kind of teases you can use or tropes that are common in the tickle community) but also can bring new ideas to explore. I didn't know any nursery rhymes before reading tickle fanfics and now they one of my fav thing to write :D And! Reading fanfics also gives you a good grasp of synonyms of certain words (like laughing, giggling, snickering, chuckling, crackling...) and when to use them. I don't know if this is just me because english isn't my first language but I was absolutely AMAZED in finding so much ways to describe someone's reactions.

Second: Just write

That advice always feels a bit bittersweet to say because it makes writing look much easier than it actually is but... It's an interesting advice and it has it's good points, let me try to explain it, then:

Feel free to write whatever you want. Try to find something enjoyable about writing so you can find inspiration on it. Because I am not gonna lie sometimes it's going to be just... difficult.

And that is fine! Creating is difficult. Remember: you're writing fanfic. You don't owe anyone nothing at all so don't force yourself thro stuff you don't want to. So! Try new stuff! Try making a tickle fanfic only with dialogues (or very dialogue heavy): how teases can work on it and how reactions will happen? Make some experimentation about writing a fic with only descriptions. What is happening here, is it a chase? Are the characters having a heated hide and seek so they can not say anything or they will be found?

You feel like writing a lot of teases but no actual tickling involved? Please do! Want to jump all the antecipation and already start the surprise tickle attack already? Yes, yes, that is great! Saw a scene on your fav show that would be much better if it had some giggles and wiggling fingers in it? I 100% agree w you, go for it!

And don't worry about the amount of words too much. I've read a tickle fanfic w 24 chapters and another with 200 words and there were both lovely and very very good.

And write for yourself too. Like, I don't know if this is just a me thing but it helps me most of the time so: write stories that you don't want to show the world. Stories w an idea you aren't very sure if it works or a full indulgent silly scenario that makes you smile when you think about it. Not everything that you create needs to be 'postable' or 'the best masterpiece ever'. Sometimes it's just a story that you didn't feel like finishing but liked anyway or a fic you want to keep for yourself to read when you're feeling down or a headcanon you created just to share with your best friend. Creating is creating. An action that ends on itself, it doesn't need to 'have a reason' or 'make sense'.

Aaaand, I think that that is it! On a much more 'technical' note, everytime I write a tickle story I try to ask myself some questions as I am writing the scenes, just as: What character B is doing? How person A is reacting to it? How does they feel about that? Do I want to focus more on the A's reaction or it would be funner if I focused on B or I should do a bit of both? Are there teases? More tickles? If yes, how does they feel like? Light and soft? Playful and energetic? The ler is feeling smug with? Shy? Amazed? And the lee?

And one of the most important (in my opionion, of course. it can change from author to author): How does their reactions show their personality?

Normally I don't answer all of the questions or even write them in that order, but they help me to better express what I want to see in the fanfic, so I hope they help you as well!

Okay, okay now I am done for real. I hope it's not very overwhelming or too much but don't worry a lot about it! Have fun and I wish you all the inspiration and determination on your fics! Take your time! and if you want to, pls feel free to send me the link if you decide to post it ^w^).

And if you're a tickle fic author and wants to add any advice here please feel free to!

[lingshanhermit]

Lingshan Hermit: In Fact, You May Have Never Stopped Harming Others

In life, you'll meet people who are puzzled by their misfortunes. They consider themselves good people who never harm others, saying "I wouldn't even hurt a little bird" - these are their exact words.

Yet these "good people" encounter unfortunate and difficult fates. (I once met someone whose house was demolished; when I learned that he used to enjoy destroying birds' nests, I wasn't at all surprised by his experience.) They want to know why. Why are they harmed by others when they never harm anyone? Why don't good deeds bring good rewards?

Without a reasonable explanation, they might turn to becoming bad people, because sometimes it seems that bad people live better lives.

Sometimes you really need to examine your life, to examine whether you are truly as good as you think you are, whether you are really someone who never harms others. It should be noted that the harm we're talking about here isn't just about physically attacking others - Buddhism doesn't consider harming others to be limited to such actions.

You might not take a knife to kill someone or hurt a little bird, but the same you eats eggs, orders hairy crabs, takes supplements containing animal ingredients (like deer antler), wears shoes made from animal leather and fur, often has roast lamb leg with beer for dinner, and eagerly discusses neighbors' private matters. So you have, consciously or unconsciously, harmed many animals and many people.

If you examine your life carefully, I believe you might find many aspects that aren't so innocent - you're not as blameless as you think. You've been taking supplements containing deer antler, using leather products, using certain famous cosmetics brands whose manufacturers regularly conduct cruel animal testing and use mink oil to ensure their product quality. You might also frequently go fishing.

If all these exist in your life, I don't think you should consider yourself someone who never harms others - you have never stopped harming others. Many animals have been killed because of your lifestyle. Just because you want to improve your health, many deer have their antlers cut off. You should know that deer antler is sawn off from the deer's head, and this process is neither comfortable nor painless.

You might say, "I didn't cut off that deer's antlers myself," which is true - you didn't do it personally, but if there was no demand from you, no one would be interested in doing this. Hiring someone to kill and killing someone yourself carry the same legal consequences. So you've been harming those deer, albeit indirectly. But you are equally responsible.

If you want to improve your fate, one of the things you need to do is stop harming others (including animals). The harm mentioned here includes both direct harm (like catching a fish) and indirect harm (like taking deer antler supplements). Buddhism believes that if a person harms so many beings, it's natural for them to receive a bad fate. If they want to improve their fate, not harming others is the first thing they need to do.

You might say that one person not using leather products won't change anything, won't make our world better. This is true, but if many people stop using any products from animals, the situation would be different.

I believe there are many people who want to improve their fate. If everyone refuses to use animal products, many animals would be spared from slaughter. You don't need to go to Kekexili to protect Tibetan antelopes, because without demand there would be no killing. Of course, you might say that slaughterhouses don't kill just for one person - they kill for many potential customers. This doesn't make your behavior any more justified. You won't be absolved just because many people are involved. When a hundred people kill one sheep, each person receives a complete killing karma.

As practitioners, we have an obligation not to harm beings, even if it's just reducing one killing that comes from demand. Even if you're not a practitioner, you shouldn't harm beings if you hope for a good future. Besides these things, you also need to pay attention to some subtler matters.

When you're walking on the street, you might spit chewed gum on the ground, which harms those responsible for cleaning the streets, because removing a piece of dried gum stuck to the ground is very laborious. You might also buy pirated books and DVDs, thus harming many people, including writers, directors, and actors, because you get their work without paying any price (or rather, you didn't pay the right people). If you play music very loudly when you should be in bed, you harm your neighbors, even though you might not intend to.

It should be pointed out that not harming others isn't easily achieved. Many people harm others every day without realizing it. For example, when you open a window on a bus, you might harm those who prefer the windows closed. When you close a door too forcefully, you might startle someone next door who is meditating. These are all forms of harm.

I once met someone who thought he was a good person. While describing himself as a kind person who loves animals, he was removing a freshly caught fish from his hook. I think that fish would certainly disagree with his self-assessment. His kindness probably only extended to his pet dog and not to fish.

Many practitioners can avoid such harmful actions (like eating a fish), but they also need to learn to avoid many subtle forms of harm. Because subtle harm is still harm and will still produce karma. Moreover, some harm that you don't notice isn't subtle at all - it might involve enormous consequences.

First published in November 2007.

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灵山居士：事实上，你可能一直没有停止过对别人的伤害　　　（修订）

在生活里你会遇到一些为自己的遭遇感到困惑的人，他们认为自己是个好人，是个从来不伤害别人的人，“我连一只小鸟都不会伤害”－这是他们的原话。

但是这样的“好人”却遭遇不幸命运坎坷。（我曾经遇到过一位房子被推平的人，当我了解到他以前是个非常喜欢捣毁鸟窝的人时候，我就丝毫不为他的经历感到奇怪了）他们很想知道为什么。为什么他们没有伤害别人，却总被别人伤害。为什么好人没有好报。

如果没有合理的解释，他们可能就要改行去做坏人。因为有时候看起来好像坏人生活的更好。

有时候你真的需要审视一下自己的生活，审视一下你是否真的如自己所认为的那样，是个好人，是个从来不伤害别人的人。需要说明的是，在这里我们所说的伤害并不是说你经常殴打别人，佛教并不认为伤害别人指的只是这些。

你也许不会拿着刀去杀人，不会去伤害一只小鸟，但是同一个你，你会吃鸡蛋，会点大闸蟹，你每天服用的是含有动物成份的补药（例如鹿茸），你脚上穿的是动物的皮毛制品，你的晚饭经常是烤羊腿加啤酒，你热衷于谈论邻居的隐私。所以你在有意无意中伤害了很多动物，也伤害了很多人。

如果对你的生活加以审视，我相信你可能会发现很多地方并不那么如人意，你并非你所认为的那样清白无辜。你一直在服用含有鹿茸成份的补药，一直在使用牛皮制品，一直在使用某种知名化妆品，而那种化妆品厂商为了保证他的化妆品质量经常使用动物进行残忍的实验并且含有貂油成分。你可能还经常去钓鱼。

如果这一切存在于你的生活中的话，我想你不应该觉得自己是个不伤害别人的人，你一直没有停止过对别人的伤害。有很多动物因为你的生活而被杀。仅仅因为你希望自己的身体变的更加健康就导致很多鹿被割下鹿角。要知道，鹿茸是从鹿的脑袋上锯下来的，那种过程并非舒适和毫无痛感的。

也许你会说，我并没有去割掉那只鹿的鹿茸，事实也是如此，你没有亲自动手，但是如果没有你的需求，也不会有人有兴趣这么做。雇凶杀人和自己杀在法律上需要承担同样的后果。所以你一直在伤害那些鹿，虽���只是间接的伤害。但你同样需要负责。

如果你希望可以改善命运，你要做的事情之一就是停止伤害别人（也包括动物）。这里所说的伤害包括那些直接伤害（例如钓上来一条鱼）也包括间接伤害（服用鹿茸之类）。佛教认为，如果一个人伤害了那么多的众生，他获得不好的命运也是理所当然。如果他希望改善命运，不伤害别人是首先要做的事。

你也许会说，只是一个人不用牛皮制品改变不了什么，不会使我们的世界更美好。事实也是如此，但是假如很多人都不使用任何来自动物的制品，那么情况就会有所不同。

我相信希望改善自己命运的人绝非少数，如果大家都拒绝使用动物制品的话，就会有很多动物免于被屠杀。你不用去可可西里保护藏羚羊，因为没有需求就没有杀戮。当然你可以说，屠宰场并非只为我一个人而杀，他是为很多潜在的客户而杀。这丝毫不能让你的行为变的更加正当。你不会因为人多而获得赦免。一百个人杀死一只羊，每个人都会获得一个完整的杀业。

作为修行者，我们有不伤害众生的义务，哪怕只是减少一个因需求而产生的杀戮。即使不是修行者，你也不应该去伤害众生，如果你希望有一个好的未来的话。除了这些事情之外，你还需要注意一些比较细微的事情。

当你走在大街上的时候，你也许会把嚼过的口香糖吐在地上，这就伤害了那些负责清理街道的人，因为把一块沾在地上已经干了的口香糖搞掉是很费力气的一件事。你还会去购买盗版书盗版DVD，这样你就伤害了很多人，包括作家，导演，演员，因为你没有付出任何代价就得到了他们付出努力的作品（或许说你没有付钱给该付的人）。如果你在应该上床睡觉的时候把音乐开的很大声，你就伤害了你的邻居。虽然你可能并非有意。

这里需要指出的是，不伤害别人并非轻而易举就可以做到。很多人每天都在伤害着别人却浑然不觉。例如，你在坐公交车的时候打开一扇窗户就可能伤害那些喜欢关着窗户的人。你关门的时候过于猛烈也会吓着隔壁正在打坐的人。这些都是伤害。

我曾经遇到一个认为自己是个好人的人，他在向我描述自己是个对动物具有爱心的好人的时候正在把一条刚钓上来的鱼从鱼钩上弄下来，我想他刚钓上来的那条鱼一定会反对他对自己的看法。他的爱心大概只限于自己的爱犬而不包括鱼类。

很多修行者能避免这类伤害众生的行为（���掉一条鱼），但是他们同样需要学习避免很多细微的伤害。因为细微的伤害也是伤害，也会产生因果。何况有些你注意不到的伤害并不细微，它可能牵涉巨大。

本文首发于2007年11月。

[lavender-teardroplettes]

Since Saint and Rosie responded- I think it's time for me to type out my thoughts about this situation. I was never really active in the 14dwy community, no. I wasn't in the discord and have gotten a lot of my context through conversations and reading both sides accounts and perspectives through screenshots, yes, but the truth of the matter here lies in two key points to me: This is absolutely a situation that is heavily steeped in the fact that Winndy is autistic and while it is messy and SHOULD have been kept private- that's extremely hard to do when one side started the slander and character defamation and this started when a mod used damning wording in regards to how Winndy left the server. My thoughts are still a little jumbled because of work and wedding planning, but there will be more under the cut. This is just the initial response to the replies you can read below, and I'll be frank in stating that while I've never personally talked with Saint, Winndy and I aren't very close as compared to other people involved and am just coming at this from a dethatched and nuanced point of view with input on how this relates fully back to autism as someone who has gone through similar falling outs due to my own undiagnosed autism.

On both sides, I don't think anyone intended for this to get as big as it did, but here we are. Intentions are funny things and whenever they're brought up I bring up the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." I can understand wanting harmony in your community, wanting to bring up concerns and fix issues within your spaces- but this was not the time to do so, how it was handled on both sides is a clear sign of it. The first fault- really, was having someone sick with covid and not in their right mind to handle such a big undertaking, and the second being one of the biggest issues I have with this whole falling out- Winndy's father just passed. I find it really hard to believe that no one gave that any thought, though I'll give a pass to Rosie for it slipping her mind because again, she had covid, but as a mod myself I find it hard to believe that it wasn't noted anywhere or by anyone else- but that's my personal opinion.

Also, in my personal opinion, Saint should have been the one to handle this from the get go if it was really about hearing it from a friend to soften the blow of- and I'm stripping away the wording used in Rosie's message to tell you how it reads off to multiple people here- what essentially boils down to "Your autistic traits are annoying and you need to change yourself. Why haven't you fixed your behavior that we only brought up to you a year ago (not even if it's only been ~8 months) and haven't had any consistent follow ups or one on one personal dms about since?" You were friends, reminders to use tone tags or an ACTUAL conversation about how Winndy talks about, say, Teo and Ren, would have gone MILES to fix this issue and gentle pushes to engage with other people ocs is what we mean by communication is key. There's such a clear LACK of it that's the real disheartening thing to me here.

Autistic people, more often than not, need constant reminders if something doesn't click in their brain right away- and that can take literal YEARS depending on where they are spectrum wise. It took me until 7th grade to learn long division properly (you start learning in 4th where I went to school) and I was constantly belittled, called the r-slur, shunned- you name it- but one day I got it and it was now the next challenge to learn something that just didn't stick right away like it did with so many other things. The way Winndy socializes in the discords I'm in with them is the same- it's clear that they're autistic as someone who also tends to ramble about my oc. They're our special interest, of course we're going to bring them up when we see an opening and of course we want other people to like them too, but we also maybe get tunnel vision and not even realize that we're being seen as overbearing. We also tend to get comfortable in a space and feel comfortable enough to not have to worry about masking or being "too autistic to handle"- because being told that hurts and kills our joy more than you can ever imagine. A major part of that, in Winndy's case, was that they were in the discord since it started. I understand needing to change rules, or asking for less bullying of characters even in the playful sense- but you're asking someone to completely change how they've spent the last two years intaracting in a space in an instant. What you're expecting from Winndy immediately, without actually putting the work into it as friends and instead only as mods 'treating everyone the same', is almost impossible as an autistic person and it's something that's being overlooked heavily. And again- my focus is on the word Immediately. ~8 months my seem like a long time, but trust me, it's not. You can only change so much in less than a year and, again, it's something that needs to be gently reassured.

Did Winny make people uncomfortable? Sure, I can't really say for other people, but it's something they also are acknowledging and apologizing for. I don't think that it should be considered "running away" when it's clear that they were pushed out of what was once a safe space for THEM first- one that OTHERS who have left have acknowledged that was slowly snowballing into less and less of one even before this situation happened- specifically other ex mods that left for their own reasons and issues they saw within the server as first hand accounts.

I will ask this again since it was ignored- Why do you have an anonymous survey when it's clear that having this option only leads to targeted harassment, and why are you only removing it in your suggestions section when your old mod team from a year ago- not just Winndy- brought up those concerns. And another thing, if you have a 2000+ discord, you should encourage your fan base to create their own safe spaces OUTSIDE of the community server. It's fun to be in one whole big community, but with that number in context it's hard to NOT see this as a targeted hit on one of the most active members you had in your server with the added carried over distain for last year's survey/when Winndy was a mod. THAT'S how friendships burn quickly.

Everyone has every right to their own feelings regarding this, but for just one moment, close your eyes and imagine being Winndy- cleaning out the apartment her father DIED in from an accident, and receiving the messages and responses she did while talking to friends. I would have vented too, I would have pressed my concerns with it too while speaking to FRIENDS I thought I could vent to and actually discuss things with just to get more of an understanding or clarifications even after saying that it wasn't the time, because you know what? The only other thing I'd have to think about was how I LOST my father on top of so many other people like in Winndy's case. This also circles back to autism, because now they not only have the stress of their last rock in this world, but now have all these thoughts about how they act, again, tied back to autism, makes people uncomfortable. It reaffirms that there's something wrong with us, and....just....can you not see how this caused a spiral for them? How there really wasn't anyway else that things would have gone down if not like this? Saint, I'm sorry you lost your cousin- but would that NOT give you more reason to give them more grace in the situation and not send a long winded document that ended with "could you be less selfish?" Let me ask you- where is your empathy? That part was omitted because Winndy didn't want to compare losses and felt like it was too personal to share and not relevant to the post- that's it.

Haaa... I'm going to wrap this up because I could honestly go on for WAY longer in fully addressing how messed up this is, but my last point is the extremely pointed language used from Saint and her mod team. Whatever your intentions were, when you use the language you have as given in both Winndy's edited screenshots and Saint providing them in full- it doesn't make you (the mod team) look any better in my eyes. It comes off as blaming Winndy while also wiping your hands of any responsibility or accountability because 'it's for the greater good of the community' while also trying to play the friend card and lessen the damage that you're feeling due to this falling out bringing up other major issues with your community that have snowballed into what we're dealing with now. Confronting people is always scary, yes, but if you're going to run a community you HAVE to do it and you have to approach things correctly and with caution and respect for everyone involved- no matter if you're friends with them or have underlying negative feelings towards them. And if YOU can't do it, you need people who are actually better experienced in handling tough situations and tense talks. This should have been talked out by ALL the mods and Saint with Winndy in a private chat so all sides could communicate fully, there should have been more one on one dms and frank conversations between everyone involved so everyone was on the right page, I can go on, hindsight is a bitch.

And I WILL be frank here- Winndy isn't ignoring and downplaying the concerns you brought up, the issue lies in the deeper cut that they were disregarded as a friend first. Their trust was broken first, their name was slandered first, but...sure, they're being the hypocrite here when I can see where you (the mod team + Saint) are also being hypocritical, picking and choosing what to respond to both in the reblogs and your rules for your own narratives and your version of the story, and, AGAIN, using extremely pointed language that only adds fuel to the fire. Instead of just saying "we parted ways due to personal issues" you called her a "guilt tripper, hostile, deflective, and avoidant"- how is she supposed to feel getting DMED about it after she left ON TOP of losing another family member in such close time to losing others within the last 2 years.

I'm going to say it again- do better. At least some fault has been expressed on (the mod team's) side, but to call this 'not about autism' or the clear lack of actually communicating between FRIENDS- not just mods- is the biggest lie in this whole situation. And again- Winndy admits their faults, saying that they're not is blatantly ignoring the accountability they take in their statement.

I did not wish to make this, I do not wish to bring bad light to others, so I am doing everything I can in this statement to keep it as vague as possible to grant others the same privacy I should have. But because my privacy was not respected I have no choice but to come forward with this.

If you know what I am talking about, then this is my side of things. If you don't know what I am talking about, then please move on.

(Also to note, I realize what day I am posting this on. This is absolutely NOT a joke.)

To preface this. My dad died suddenly Feb 26th. I cannot begin to detail what it feels like to lose him, after I've lost many others, to try and handle my emotions and grief while also handling the logistics of his belongings and estate, all this while having to write this on top of it. If I come across as intense, this is why. 

I was in a discord server when it first opened. I dedicated a lot of time, energy, art and passion to it. I was even a mod at one point but stepped down due to my own reasons. 

While there, we had an anonymous survey posted to gather information from the community about the server, what we could do to improve, what was liked and so on. Instead, some used it as a means to anonymously complain about members. I was a target of these complaints. 

A quick note. This server was made within a community that has suffered MANY hardships due to anons. Keep this in mind.

One of the rules is that if you have a personal grievance with another member, to try to resolve it through DMs before coming to a mod or to even send in a ticket.

I must be clear; I was NEVER DMed by anyone how I made them uncomfortable. Not once. Nor were these complaints directly messaged to the mods. This was all through the survey (I will touch up more on this later).

I and other staff/mods that used to be on the team suggested we remove the anonymity. It's too risky for it to be abused, because as noted earlier, this community has suffered a lot through abuse from anons. This suggestion was ignored.

Now, I suppose I should say what the complaints were about. I was told I made others uncomfortable due to, and I am paraphrasing here; "talking over others, redirecting conversations back to myself and my ocs, and making too many jokes and insults about characters."

I will also say. I am autistic. What was mentioned are signs of someone with autism. My dad was autistic. I do not bring this up to deflect or excuse anything, merely to give further context.

I want to explain a bit of my process when I interact with others, in this case especially pertaining to an online space.

When I am talking with someone, anyone, I try to be as inclusive and welcoming as I can be. Saying hello, how they’re doing, that sort of thing. But a conversation is a two way street. If I don’t get a reply or any sort of means to keep the conversation going, I move on. That’s just… how talking goes. I can get very passionate in talking to folks, especially friends and things in line with my interests. It’s hard for me to notice if folks are uncomfortable in person, online it is impossible to tell. I need people to tell me directly if I am doing something uncomfortable and what it is, and if I can fix it.

My process for ocs is this: I see someone talking about their oc, they say something that reminds me of one of mine, then I share my oc. This is not to direct the conversation to me, but to share in it, it is in conjunction. I want to learn more of yours and I do that best by sharing mine. I cannot know if this isn't what you want if I am not told. And I wasn't.

I like to make jokes about characters, analyze them, critique them. I try to do this in a way that makes it clear this isn't an insult to those who like the character(s). But again, I need to be told directly by someone if I need to stop or tone it down. I would only be told sparingly by folks, and when I would, of course I'd stop, do my best to tone it down. But again, I was rarely told directly by people.

What is being described as my crimes are simply the experience of being autistic.

I cannot control it. I cannot stop it. I try to be as inclusive, warm and welcoming to all I come across. You do not HAVE to like me. But if you don't, just ignore me. You HAVE to learn to ignore people who you just… don't like. You have to learn to ignore pet peeves or to reasonably talk to the person. That's life.

So, when I received the above message, I was furious. I was at my dad’s apartment, cleaning out his stuff, and dealing with some harrowing emotions when I got this. I responded that getting this was extremely poor timing and yes, I was angry. But the one who sent this KNEW my dad died. They had seen me post about it, they acknowledged it, and still decided to message me. Who wouldn’t be angry?

Because of what I had been messaged, and the timing, I had decided to go to the owner of the server. I did not feel like it was appropriate for a mod, any mod, to message me about something that is a personal issue that folks should have messaged me themselves (and again, it is listed in the rules that things SHOULD be talked out privately between members before a mod gets involved), in a time that has been hell on earth for me.

I explained to the server owner what all happened with my feelings on the matter. I said that regardless, I would leave the server, because this was something that no one, absolutely no one, should experience. I requested for anything I contributed to the server to be removed, for I no longer felt comfortable for folks to use my art who could be the very same ones pettily using an anonymous survey to speak ill of me. So I sent my message, waited, and got a response.

I do not have anything against the server owner, but there are a few things that I must address with their response as well, because some are factually incorrect. There is full admittance to the complaints received through the anonymous survey, most recently at that. This goes counter to the rules stated that members should resolve private disputes amongst themselves first. (Again please note the screenshots of the rules.)

While perhaps not all of the mods knew of my dad’s passing, but enough DID that they should have known better. I posted briefly in the server in a slow thread so it could be better seen by people, including the mods. I had posted on tumblr as well. But the claim is no one saw it. 

Again. This is just not true. Look to the above screenshots.

I do not have a screenshot of when I had sent the message initially in the server of my dad’s passing (I apologize for this), but the point being is that people knew. Another member messaged me in DMs to give their condolences. While I am and have been open about his passing, I also tried my best to not talk too much about it in the server as to bring down the mood, and I sought out the server and talked there as a source of comfort. Saying this was not clear to anyone, is false.

Now, I am sorry that I made people uncomfortable, it was never my intention to, and I will take fault in that. That isn’t what I mean to address in all this. The issue is; if people were uncomfortable, they needed to follow the rules and come to me DIRECTLY stating such, NOT give these complaints through an anonymous survey. And that I should NOT have been told during such an awful period. How can I take this at face value when I am not offered the same?

I wish to point out as well, why I kept bringing up the anonymous survey, and to bring back a note I made earlier.

There is a great deal of falsehood in using an anonymous survey to gather information, when this community has experienced a lot of hardship from anons. I have seen many people torn down and even chased out of this community and others because of people hiding behind anon. Creators, fans, and yes members, mods and even the server owner have all been victim to negativity from anons. 

Now, I also must bring attention to this.

This is a screenshot I was sent of another mod posting, after I left. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY. This is why I feel the need to make this statement. Giving details like this is completely unnecessary, and with this said after I left is unacceptable.

I am sorry to be redundant, but I truly am sorry if I ever did make people uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was to make friends and share in the joy in creating art and characters with others. To share space in a community with something I truly found enjoyable. It’s why I’d get enthusiastic whenever OC’s were brought up and I’d share mine. I also wanted to share joy in the topic of the server, and yes some of that for me IS making jokes about characters or even giving critique.

I am not saying any of this to bad mouth or slander anyone. I say all of this to express my side of things. Someone who is grieving the loss of their dad, and so many others who came before him that are making me remember now because of his passing.

[jack-bytez-genuine-corner]

Rant [No, I won't make this a habit I promise I just needed to get this off my chest]

People who don't know that intersectionality exists shouldn't be allowed into any community. Being near told that the experience of violence I've had doesn't matter cause of my skin tone is some of the most disgusting, vile shit I've seen in my life. And it came from a POC, someone who should OUTRIGHT KNOW why that's bad.

People get murdered by bigots for simply existing, and we have members in the Queer community who truthfully want to argue that THOSE people getting killed isn't that big of a deal cause of the color of their skin and the oppression they faced doesn't matter. I know ABSOLUTELY NO ONE wants to view racism as a mindset, but it's that. It's the idea that the suffering of some doesn't matter because of an innate characteristic they can't change. You aren't an ally if you believe that some people's suffering simply doesn't matter to your in group, you aren't an ally if you believe in acceptable causalities.

This is why I REALLY don't like anyone who is gay and is ambivalent on trans people's right to exist, this is why I don't like people who refuse to talk actual racism in favor of stoking a stereotype of all white people being innately racist. Because if your actual want is to help others, than you need to confront those issues head on, not let others take the fall for you, not relitigate racism into a more "Acceptable" form, but actually deal with the problems that exist instead of blanketing that shit under "DAE white people XD" but actually going for the issue. There's racist white people in the community, we can ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT IT, but instead it's vague BS meant to stoke division.

I'm not a perfect human being, but if anyone ever tells you that your suffering isn't meaningful cause of your genitals or your sex or your pronouns or the color of their skin, know that they are wrong, period. I've never been more insulted online and I literally have "Loser" in my bio, and I didn't think this place could rival fucking Twitter in terms of facilitating awful people.

Over 60K notes lowkey justifying why certain people being literally killed is acceptable. 60K notes basically justifying that the oppression queer people who are white may face isn't meaningful. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but good lord kindness is *fucking dead* in the world and at this point I should pack in my expectations for humanity cause even the people who have FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE WITH THESE SUBJECTS are more than willing to shield the god damn fucks cause CERTAIN people just have it coming. Like fuck being an "Ally" if this shit flies. Like I felt pretty angry when I saw how little care was given from BLM towards other minority groups who faced police brutality, but I figured a rising tide raises all ships. I felt pretty angry with how little coverage of missing Native women cause they just disappear and nobody cares, but maybe it's OK that some people got coverage when they went missing cause rising tide. But 60K notes... On a post that's justifying that certain people can't face oppression or face violence cause of their skin color DESPITE being gay, DESPITE being Trans, DESPITE all that...

Just fucking pack it up I guess, we're fucked. If 60K people just can't see why oppression is bad period, regardless of who it's at, then fucking pack, it, up. Set the nukes off, suck us into a black hole, humanity is a god damn waste of time for everyone involved because people can't even be assed to SEE how innocent people being hurt is bad. "Oh but MY oppression is worse!" OK? Good for you! You won the contest! Except this isn't a contest against who had it worse, it's a contest to prevent ANYONE from having it AS BAD AS YOU DID, and squabbling over this BS just enables the exact same division that allowed you to be treated like dogshit in the first place!

And yes, if you push the idea that queer white people can't face oppression, you are shielding the bigots who do the oppressing, full stop. You're using the exact same argument misogynistic, old, white fucks make about how women are "Asking for it" for having the NERVE to dress how they see fit. It's disgusting. Period.

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Hey! Sorry I know you're really busy, so you don't have to respond it's fine. I hope your day's going alright! :3

I was just wondering if you had any fanfics that feature Charlie and Sidney? Or could recommend any?

I believe I've read one from you before? I have no idea what it was called though, oops. But I remember it being really good! I think it featured bo-co?

Man, was I that shirty to that one anon? Sorry. You guys aren't bothering me. It was one specific person spamming my box. I love my asks!

I can't think of anyone but me who has written extensively about Charlie and Sidney. (Except... coincidentally... ToonGuy. He started coming up with a whole lil' background thing for them in 'Abridged', interspersed throughout S4-S5-TATMR. It is very different from my interpretation, ofc.) Unfortunately I'm not aware of anything else I could recommend.

Most likely you're thinking of my WIP Ex-Condor Through the Time Machine.

I have also posted a couple vignettes involving one or both of them on this blog. Here's one, two, three. There are also some things in that directory that include a young Sand as fireman, as he is due to appear in QLIR.

Speaking of 'things I am writing at the speed of molasses in winter'... I am willing to give up another little crew #2 vignette.

It's meant to be most of a chapter for a fic very similar to Ex-Condor (a 'not-quite-so-normal-day-in-the-life' multichapter thing, but from Edward's PoV and on the eve of nationalisation). Howeeeeeverrrrrr, given that my plan was to start posting and finishing it after finishing Ex-Condor... well, this otherwise isn't going to see the light of day any time soon so, if you're interested:

(Note: It uses material from the end of the Charlie Sand post, specifically about how Sid didn't know Charlie was married for like their first year or two working together. Also be warned it includes some Edward-angst. If that's a problem. Which I know damn well for most of you it isn't.)

November 1947

“Here.” There was a crinkly sound, as Sand produced some sort of folded paper from his breast pocket. “For Stationmaster. And see how our orders have changed. Write it all down and have him double-check—I don’t want any confusion.” 

“I won’t, then. That’s your job. I’ll get the engine watered.” 

“Uh, Sid…” The driver’s voice was deceptively mild. “I’ll give the orders, thanks, on my own footplate. Hop.” 

“Yeh great coward! You can’t face Dream Girl, can you?” 

“Who?” 

“Pitiful.” The fireman would be pulling a face. He had some of the very funniest. “The fair Anita!” 

“Anita?—Oh, she’s the one who handles tickets. That right?”

“Don’t play coy! Nothing ventured, nothing gained. C’mon, driver—” A bit of a tussle ensued, as Heaver began to fuss over straightening Sand’s collar, and brushing off some coal dust. “A year of this is enough! Run a hand through yer hair, set yer cap, and go over at a proper strut. She won’t wait forever!” 

“Nor will I, for that matter! Get on with you.” 

“I warn you,” said Heaver. Both men were starting to laugh, but he was the one further gone. He usually was. “If you send me, I may just snag her up, myself!” 

“If you think I won’t shove you out this cab backwards, yeh whelp, you’d better have another think—”

After a moment’s more tussling, the fireman indeed scrambled, rather unsure of foot, off the running board. “You’d try the patience of a saint, Charles,” he griped… before then setting off at an unhurried but lively skip. 

Nothing ever really shook Sid Heaver’s easy temper. 

“Pot, kettle,” muttered the driver. 

Edward was amused. “When are you going to tell him?” 

Sand laughed. “Didn’t I leave that to you? I’m still waiting!” 

“No, I can’t. I’ve told you. It’s too ridiculous.” 

“How could this comedy of errors get any more ridiculous? But I hope so. I want to see the look on his face, when he learns.” 

“Then you’d better tell him!” 

“You’re far too nice to that idiot.” 

Sand was good-natured about it, and only chuckled when Edward retorted: “Oh, you like him too, really! Anyway, it’s not that. It will be fun—but it oughtn’t be me. I don’t know, just seems a bit improper.” 

The driver laughed harder than ever. “What! What’s improper? I’ve made an honest woman of her now, before God and everyone!” 

“Oh, but all that sort of thing. Engines aren’t really supposed to comment on that—humans’ personal lives.” 

“Ah yes, we wouldn’t want engines to mention the scandal of holy wedlock!” Sand pounded the outer cab with his fist as he dismounted. “You can’t really think so. Leave that Victorian rubbish in the last century, where it belongs!” 

“Well, then.” Edward reddened, but conceded the point. It was a rule that didn’t really make much sense anymore to him, either. If it ever had. “In that case, I suppose I’m free to ask. Don’t people normally wear rings when they are married? I suppose the whole point is to avoid this sort of misunderstanding.” 

“I think the point is mostly that women like shiny things, and jewellers like to make money. But Anita wants to work, until we have children, and they won’t keep her on if they know she’s married.” 

“Wait. Whyever not?” 

“Honestly, there’s no good answer to that. Women have to deal with all sorts of extra rubbish. Like this world isn’t hard enough!” The driver descended into muttered cursing, as he wrestled with the water pipe. 

But soon it was connected, and Edward hissed comfortably as he drank, while he reflected vaguely of how little he knew, about women’s lives. They had been brought in to do all sorts of different railway work during both wars, and they hadn’t seemed all that different than the men—only inexperienced. It was rather strange, the way humans did these things… 

Sand re-oiled all axles, disconnected the water hose, and then came round, leaning on the engine’s front buffers, and looking up at him significantly, much more serious than before. 

“Will you answer me something honestly, Edward?” 

The engine was a little surprised, especially upon realizing that Sand had sent the fireman in on purpose, so that they could talk. 

But the answer came readily. Mr. Sand may have only been his driver a year now, but they had known each other for ages. “Of course, sir. What’s the matter?” 

“That’s what I want to know. You get awfully nervous, even now, when you think Hacker’s about.” 

“Oh.” Edward hissed steam again, this time in embarrassment. “I know you think it’s silly.” 

“No,” said Sand, calmly and steadily. “I don’t, that. But it is unlike you. Makes me wonder just how badly he treated you.” 

Edward wanted very much to not have to look at him. But Charlie, even as a teenager, had always been pretty canny, and it was probably no coincidence, that he had now positioned himself right where Edward should have normally looked to avoid anyone’s eye. And it was too rude, to look over a driver’s head while speaking to him. 

At least, it had been considered rude was Edward had been young. 

And, if that was another rule that had changed, he hadn’t noticed. 

“I asked you to be honest,” Sand reminded him. “I wouldn’t do that, and then turn around and raise a big fuss. Not without your say-so. But I do believe I ought to know.” 

“You never seemed to like him very much,” Edward began, slowly. This was a good deal more improper than talking about the crews’ matrimonial states. 

“Imagine that.” 

“Oh, you think he’s worse than he was. To be sure, I like you much better, but…” Edward sighed. Mr. Sand was right: he didn’t like to think about these things—and generally he succeeded in avoiding it. “I don’t think he treated me badly. I reckon he’s a pretty normal, ordinary sort of driver, and I’ve gotten rather used to being a bit coddled here, you know.” 

“Coddled!” Sand spluttered in amazement. “Is that what he said?”

“I'm not sure that he ever used that exact word. But he certainly thought I required far too much fuss in order to do my work, and, well—well, I don’t think he’s altogether wrong.”

Sand kept a handle on his self-control, and stopped himself from a rant, only with visible effort. “And why do you think so?” 

It was difficult to force himself to say, and, rude or not, he couldn’t look at Sand while he did so. “He often complained to the others that Mr. MacNeil had spoiled me. And it’s not only him that thought so, was it? Everyone used to say that. He and I were great friends, and had worked together for so long. I reckon it would have been hard for me to adjust to anyone else. I can’t blame Hacker for that…”

“Good Lord. I can!” 

“Well, you’re a little like Mr. MacNeil was. You’re pretty partial to me.” 

“If I remind you of MacNeil, I’ll take that as a compliment. He was one of the finest railwaymen I ever knew. He had twice my brains—and about fifty times Hacker’s. If he spent a good deal of extra time with you, it was for no other reason than he enjoyed it. He was married to the job, and would have been much lonelier without you—but he did not spoil you. I was there, Edward. I remember. You never needed much correcting, but he wasn’t one to hesitate, when you did. He had high standards.” Sand snorted. “Whereas Hacker has none. He’s simply lazy. Thinks he’d have an easy life of it, on a ‘proper’ railway, with new engines. I’d like to have met him on the the mainland! Those southern engines would have chewed him up and spat him out. And then, if there was anything left of him to sack, the S.R. would have done it, long ago!—But I’m not convincing you, am I.” 

“No, driver, I suppose not.” But Edward smiled faintly. He liked what Sand had said about MacNeil… who had died only a few years ago. MacNeil, who had chosen him as his own engine, when no one else had wanted him. “You’re very kind, and I’m grateful. But… well, it doesn’t bother me often—there’s no use in thinking of it—but whenever I see Mr. Hacker I am reminded of what he used to say, and I still think he was dead on about some of it. Even when I was quite new… I wasn’t much use in my early years, you know.” He saw Sand gazing, listening hard. Sand hadn’t known this. Hardly anyone did, these days. “I was a poor steamer. Too sensitive. My first railway gave me plenty of chances, but it was no good. I always thought it was Sodor that made the difference. The Fat Controller was in charge of the workshop during the first war, and he made a good many changes to me. But after all that trouble taken over me, I gave more poor performances not long after—once again, after I lost my regular crew, who had been so encouraging, and better to me than I deserved. I just don’t seem to have much to give, when I’m unrostered. Then I met Mr. MacNeil, and did all right for ages, and I am again, now that you’re with me. No surprise there—you’re both terribly clever about your business. I reckon Hacker’s right. I do seem to need rather a lot of fuss. It’s not really his place to question any more than it is mine—Controller can do as he sees fit—but it is embarrassing, when I see him, and remember that I’m still not really any more useful than I ever was, back on the mainland. And never will be, now I’m so old and worn. I’ve only been very lucky, in having more than my fair share of excellent drivers. Are—are you all right?” 

This last question was tacked on with real anxiety, for Sand had removed his cap, and was holding his head in his hands. 

“I’ll be fine,” said Sand, after a moment. His voice was uncharacteristically quiet. “It’s just that it’s a surprising lot of effort, stopping yourself from going off and committing murder…” 

“Oh, Mr. Sand…” 

“Shh. Let me get rid of his headache, would you?” 

Leaning on his elbows, Sand rubbed his temples hard for a few minutes. It was only when they heard Heaver whistling as he returned that he pushed himself back up, and glanced up at the engine. 

“I went on too long,” observed Edward, apologetic. 

“You told me what I wanted to know. And I’m sure it wasn’t easy.” 

“Do you still have that headache?” 

“No.” Sand smiled faintly. “We’re both more than ready to get to work, I’m sure. But I do wish you’d get it through your smokebox, my boy… if you are attracting loyal and clever crewmen again and again, it’s likely there’s something more than luck at play.” 

Heaver overheard the last bit, and proved a helpful translator. “That’s right! Some of us know a good thing when we see it.” 

“Like you?” retorted Sand. He had only begun to forgive Heaver’s work with Hacker. 

“And some of us simple sort of blokes need it pointed out to us,” Heaver admitted easily. “Say, Charlie. Turns out that ticket girl is a bit of an ice queen. I’m sure if you checked, you’d see I have frostbite on my arse! Still no excuse for your cowardice all these months, but…”  

Sand’s expression was indescribable. 

Edward had to laugh, seeing it, and felt spurred to finally put an end to things. “Fireman—”

But the driver held up a hand. It seemed he’d been seized by a new resolve, as well. “Oh, no. Whatever happened to engines being seen and not heard? Don’t you dare—he’s mine now.” 

Heaver blinked in confusion as driver and engine exchanged winks. 

“You’re both cracked,” he concluded, amiably. 

[lovelycleon]

So I decided to make an analysis about the last scene of Infinite Darkness

But before I start with the fun part, I just want to tell you that my history with “angst ships”

I had a bad experience with another ship, soul mates full of angst tropes and true love, beautiful... and a really bad ending because the showrunner fought with the actors (I wasted years watching and I regret it).

Anyway, after suffering that kind of pain, no other ships and angst scenes can hit me hard enough. I'm numb or just got used to it. You choose.

So maybe the scene of Leon and Claire's argument wasn't that impactful for me because of that. But for all the fans who felt hurt, I understand and it's okay to feel that way, because the scene was meant to hurt. The scene exists because of that. And your feelings are valid.

So let's get to the fun part.

spoiler alert, it's not that fun, it actually hurts 😅

The scene starts with Leon going to meet Claire at the gates of the White House.

I don't think anyone denies the fact that, whatever Leon is doing, he just wants to protect Claire. And he doesn't want her involved because of it.

But this dialogue makes this even more evident if we analyze how it begins.

Nothing in a show or movie is by accident. Everything is handpicked for one reason or another. The meaning is not always that deep, but there is still a meaning behind it all.

So when – of all the ways a conversation can be started – they decide to make Claire joke that she sneaked out of the hospital, Leon takes it seriously and she has to clarify that it's a joke, there's a reason:

Show that Leon is taking what happened to her too serious, and Claire not that much.

When Claire makes a comment about when he's going to stop treating her like a kid and he says probably never. There's a reason:

Show that Leon wants to protect her (or being overprotective) and Claire doesn't like it.

Of course, some might argue that this specific line is capcom trying to show that their feelings aren't romantic and sink the ship completely. And, ok, people are free to think that.

But if they really wanted to sink cleon forever, they shouldn't have done the scene of Leon saving Claire the way they did. They did it because they knew it would tease a certain part of the fans... They knew exactly what they were doing...

And there's simply no reason to tease a ship you want to sink.

So no, I don't think that's it...

For me the scene means the classic and simple: "stop being worried about me🙄" "noooo🗣️"

Another way to intensify Leon being overprotective is Claire's broken arm. A reminder that she was injured following his plan. Just as she was hurt the last time they saw each other in Harvardville.

And yes, I know Degeneration made Claire hurt to take her out of the action. It is undeniable. But somehow I don't think the same situation and reason applies to Infinite darkness.

Because Claire was already out of combat, following Leon's plan and showing no intention of doing anything different. It's not like she's going to attack the monster that is several platforms higher than where she is. She couldn't fly around and there were no guns where she was anyway.

So why hurt her to get her out of combat if the story itself has already done that?

Again, you are free to think differently. Capcom made Claire dirty, she was underestimated and they wasted her potential. I won't argue with that, I'm also on the team Claire deserves better.

I just don't think it fits this specific situation.

The injured arm is there and a awkward conversation about Leon being overprotective starts because of it. I think it makes sense.

So moving on.

Claire mentions the chip and Leon looks disappointed for a moment and says he thought they were going to dinner.

This is to indicate that he didn't come to see her with the intention of breaking their friendship. Leon just wanted to spend a good time with her and nothing more. Some place a little more normal, maybe?👀

But Claire wants the chip and tells Leon her plan. The same plan that Shen May was killed trying to convince her partner to follow. Is there a parallel here?

The only difference is that Jason broke her neck while Leon decided to break Claire's heart.

Okay now I could show more parallels between them, but I won't because this is already too long and I know maybe I'm reading too much into this. Resident Evil isn't that deep most of the time 😂

Anyway, Claire asked for the chip and Leon said no.

And that's the point, right.

The climax of the conversation and the turning point in their relationship.

Note that Leon took a few seconds to say he couldn't. That was the moment when he made his decision...

He went to meet her for dinner, remember? He didn't expect to have this conversation or make a decision like that. But he had to.

Now, I'm not from the US and I don't trust politicians in general, fiction or not. But I admit this sounds realistic.

Just imagine if the president makes a speech about peace and prosperity and whatever and the next day the media reveals that members of the government are involved in BOW and planning an attack on another country.

At the very least, it won't look good.

In the worst case, it will be a catastrophe 😂

So... I don't agree with Leon, but I understand why he chose this.

It's an important decision, however. And how long it takes him to say something and how he's quiet after saying it shows he knows what's on the line. Not just the security of the country and “peace”, but also his relationship with Claire.

And despite everything... He didn't lie to her.

It would be much easier for Leon to simply say "the chip was destroyed in the fight" when she asked. Claire would never know about it and probably never doubt him. And they would still be fine with each other and having dinner.

But he didn't lie. Why?

Because their relationship is not based on lies. And it's not based on betrayals.

And while it may be hard to believe right now and it hurts to think about it, this relationship is still based on truth and trust in each other. And now their relationship is being tested.

It's easy to trust someone you're on good terms. How hard it must be to trust someone who has let you down.

There is a lot of room for development here.

Obviously Claire felt hurt in this moment. Maybe even betrayed. Heartbroken. I think we all feel that same way.

But Leon played fair there. He said he had the chip, showed it to her, and then said he wouldn't give it to her.

He was honest with her. And this act also shows respect.

They are two people with different points of view and that truth hurts.

There is silence as they look at each other. She never asked his reasons and he obviously never told them. The exchange of glances is enough for them to understand what was happening.

When Claire says “you do things your way and I do mine” it's almost like “do you know what that means? ”

Then Leon nods and another moment of silence. The time they need to accept that the relationship is broken.

Now that's angst

Interesting choice of camera angle. Showing her broken arm as a visual reminder of why he was pushing her away like that.

Claire leaves, but looks back and says again that his outfit doesn't suit him.

What's interesting here is that the director has done a few interviews over the past few weeks and he always said that the suit is a representation of Leon's position in government.

Claire commenting that it doesn't suit him is basically the writers/producers/directors admitting that this position doesn't look good.

And while all the characters praising Leon for his success, Claire is the one who sees this reality and who he truly is out of the suit (position)

And that's good angst.

Claire walks away and Leon with a sad look watching her leave and he has to say to himself "I will stop this".

Could it be just one of his one-lines? Yes.

Could it be a way for him to remind himself why he's doing this, even if it means sacrificing his relationship with Claire?

It's already done, now he has to make it worth it.

Whatever happens after that is a mystery.

I don't think Claire believes that Leon is going to cover up the government's involvement in things (their discussion would be much more intense if that were the case), she probably thinks he's going to resolve it internally without taking anything public, which is precisely what she wants to do.

I also don't think Leon believes Claire is going to give up on the investigation, he probably thinks it's going to take some time to her to get real evidence and he has time to carry out his plans.

But this is capcom... They are masters of forgetting plot points. So who knows.

Angst is only good if it has a good closure. I hope they keep that in mind.

In any other tv show that used this kind of angst trope and drama I would be completely fine...

I would expect a sequel to this plot. The characters find each other unexpectedly, having to work together and acting awkwardly because they don't know how to stick around each other after the argument. Then the story would develop and they would gradually mend their relationship.

That's the trope.

So that's all I can hope for.