#that same 'baby steps! self-care! if you're tired just do a little bit every day and you'll get better at it! take your life into your

[oncillaphoenix]

it's kind of frustrating that essentially all the advice on tumblr for functioning when your brain's not working properly assumes By Default that your brain's not working properly because of depression.

like. don't get me wrong, i'm glad there's advice for people with depression. and i'm totally capable of going, yeah ok this post isn't meant for me, moving on. but...when you have to do that with every advice post, when everyone around you is promising that everyone will feel better if they can put in the effort to do these things you know will make you feel worse, you start to wonder where the heck the posts that are meant for you are.

[craptsukii]

genshin boys and terms of endearment they'd use

a/n: this is my first time writing headcanons and ngl i found them quite difficult to format :( i’m liking this style for now, but things might change later on teehee anyway, lemon cake update next week, i promise!

♡༚࿐ 🇩‌🇮‌🇱‌🇺‌🇨‌

let’s get something out of the way first

diluc is not a jerk

sure, he might have tsundere tendencies but he’s definitely not as cold as people make him seem

in my opinion anyway

i like to call him a classy, but also a very private, softie

i can totally see him as someone who’d use terms such as darling, love, doll

a major factor here is the time and place

in public, he tries to seem more indifferent and will most likely refer to you by your name

however, in a more private setting, he has no inhibitions and actually prefers using nicknames!

I feel like diluc would want to really reassure their partner he truly cares about them, but in a direct yet indirect way

and calling you sweet things seems to get the message across.

listen to this while reading!

If only time could pass faster. Who knew waiting could be such an agonising activity? Such a simple but repetitive thing. Waiting for your cake to finish baking, waiting for the morning to arrive and even waiting for your lover to come home turned out to be much more of a challenge. It wasn’t unusual for Diluc to spend hours on end at Angel’s Share, but it was rather odd of him to break his promises.

A sad smile took over your features, remembering last night. Remembering his words, so sweet and benign, promising to dedicate you all of him and his time. His crimson red eyes, full of love and admiration for the person he held so dearly to his heart. His voice, so demure and nothing but a soft whisper, as if raising it would ruin the moment. The moment he shared with you in a little dark corner of Mondstadt, away from curious eyes and sharp ears. The moment he so desperately wanted to hold onto. Yet, the darknight hero was nowhere to be found.

By the time he finally arrived, your eyes were already closing. It was a gloved hand that pulled you out of your somnolent state. Yet again those same red eyes were looking into yours with the same devotion, if not stronger than the night he made his promise.

“Forgive me, love,” he pleaded in a shushed tone, “Kaeya came in and started causing a commotion and I couldn’t just leave.” he continued, his thumb brushing over your cheek delicately.

Too tired to say anything, you placed your hand over his, silently asking him to join you in bed. You had all the time in the world to discuss tomorrow... Hopefully. After discarding his black coat on one of the chairs and taking off his shoes, Diluc plopped in your shared bed, not even bothering to change into something more comfortable. Soon his arms were around your waist, bringing you closer to his chest. His smell reminded you of grapes and it completely enveloped you as you nestled into him.

“If only I could turn back time…” Diluc murmured to himself, kissing the top of your head. “Nothing will come in between us and our time together tomorrow. I promise you, darling.”

Turns out that, in the end, he does keep his promises.

♡༚࿐ 🇽‌🇮‌🇦‌🇴‌

listen to this while reading!

my very polite baby

like sure, he’s straightforward

but he be treating everyone with respect

you might be wondering why that matters

well that's because i think xiao would see it as a little rude to not refer to someone important to him by their name

names play a major part in xiao’s past

with rex lapis re-naming him after taking him under his wing and such

so, in my opinion, xiao finds calling out your name way more meaningful than nicknames

although if he were to use one it would probably be dear

it’s short and he can still address you as “dear (name)”

it does sound quite formal at times though

Moments like this were rare. Usually, sleep doesn’t concern your lover in the slightest, as it rarely comes to him. Although you couldn’t help but admit how much you loved it when he did come and sleep. Cuddled up next to you was the vigilant yaksha, the well known protector of Liyue. And dare you say, it was truly a divine sight. In the wash of the morning light, his face took the appearance of an old photograph, so nostalgic, so at peace. Slowly, one of your hands brushed past his face, placing the few rebel aquamarine strands that were cascading down his cheek behind his ear. For a moment, you find yourself in perfect silence, Xiao’s soft breaths being the only sounds that could be discerned. Without realising, you started softly rubbing his back, your heart leaping at the content purr that followed shortly after.

It was almost impossible to put into words the joy this brought you. Although it was such a simple, mundane thing, seeing Xiao so at ease was by far your favourite memory with him. The more you studied his features the more your sight fell upon his lips. The sudden urge to kiss him overwhelmed you, wanting nothing more than to cherish and show your lover the affection he deserves.

If only the sudden chirping of birds didn’t scare you, barely a few inches away from his face.

Curse those birds and their awful timing! And so, you backed away, laughing to yourself in self-consciousness, thankful that no one was aware of your little mishap.

Or so you thought.

You felt your face get warmer the moment you saw Xiao looking at you, drowsiness still coating his eyes. Yet again, for another short moment, no sound could be heard.

“____ my dear” he said, his voice deep and hoarse, snaking his arms around you as he brought you closer to him, “if you won’t do it, I will.” it was then the flush across his cheeks became apparent to you. Shame you didn’t have time to savour it, his lips immediately finding yours in a sweet, dream like kiss.

Moments like this were truly worth treasuring.

♡༚࿐ 🇨‌🇭‌🇮‌🇱‌🇩‌🇪‌

in contrast with xiao, childe loves calling you cute nicknames

in fact, he barely uses your name!

sometimes he likes to tease you and pretend he forgot your actual name

of course that’s not true,he could never do such a thing

I can totally see him use pet names such as comrade, girlie, cutie, shawty, sweetness, princess/prince, baby

ok i know shawty is kind of random, but i think he’d use kind of ironically?

I think he’d also use big sister/brother just to tease you, even if you’re younger than him

he heard teucer refer to you as such one time and it honestly melted his heart a little bit

as a side note, seeing his siblings get along you makes him genuinely happy.

listen to this while reading!

Spring was such a beautiful time. Especially in Liyue. Especially on a date with the one and only Childe, eleventh of the Fatui harbingers. For someone with such a fearsome title and reputation, it wowed you to no end just how charming, just plain adorable, Tartaglia can be. Albeit, it was only your second date, it was expected of him to at least try to be nice.

And on time.

As you waited, under that beautiful sky, a hue so gentle between cloud and baby blue, you watched each bird upon wing. It was one of those spring days with a kiss of coldness that somehow heightened the warm rays of the sun. You paused to admire the flowers, to sense their aromas, to be in the moment with their transient beauty.

“Lovely, aren’t they?” asked Childe from behind you, a shy, perhaps slightly embarrassed, smile painted on his lips. “Sorry I’m late, I really overestimated my juniors’ capabilities and I had to step in.” he continued, gingerly taking hold of your hand, kissing the back of it.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his gentlemanly antics, although you enjoyed them nonetheless. “Don’t worry about it, you’re here now.” you reassured him, as you took a hold of his hand, already leading him towards nowhere in particular.

Another thing you liked about him. Things were so casual, so easy-going. One might call this date nothing but a hangout, but not every date has to be a luxurious five star dinner or a fancy show. Sometimes just a simple walk along the Liyue port was enough. Enough for you to get to know Childe, enough for you to like him even more.

Suddenly, Tartaglia was in front of you, his hands lightly taking hold of your face.

“Hold on cutie, there’s something on your face,” he answered your silent question, seeing as you looked a little confused. The next thing you knew, his lips descended upon yours. It was a sudden but very much welcomed kiss. A kiss that unfortunately ended just as abruptly, “it was me.”

♡༚࿐ 🇿‌🇭‌🇴‌🇳‌🇬‌🇱‌🇮‌

favourite peepaw

also prefers using your name rather than nicknames

but he’s not completely against them

he finds them quite nice actually

and he actually enjoys being referred by one!

like imagine going for a stroll with him and all of a sudden you go "darling, look!"

he'd look so content oh my lord

in my opinion anyway

he’d usually call you honey, my beloved or even my one and only!

you could be doing the simplest of things like reading with him under a tree

and he'd go "you're my one and only love"

no, he isn’t aware of how cheesy it sounds.

listen to this while reading!

Who knew the God of contracts could be such a romantic? Usually, Zhongli wasn’t a big fan of fancy, elaborate dates. He’d usually say something along the lines that “spending time with you was enough for him to feel like the richest man in the world”, which he technically was even without your presence. But, quite frankly, it was because he lacked the funds to do so that he didn’t pamper you every moment of the day.

So when you found yourself face to face with an array of different foods, meticulously prepared and arranged on a soft picnic blanket, you couldn’t help but wonder —

“Why the sudden change?” you asked, sitting down on the plush cover, to which Zhongli only chuckled.

“Am I not allowed to change my mind?” he replied in a teasing tone, flopping next to you.

“Oh, you are more than welcome to do so,” you winked, pouring some tea for both of you. It smelled like chamomile, “I was just trying to say it’s a nice change.” you continued, taking a few sips of your tea.

Zhongli only hummed, content with your response. Sometimes, sitting in silence, all while eating delicious brunch foods and drinking sweet tea, was much more enjoyable than small talk.

And so, you spend the rest of the day with your lover, basking in the sunshine and each other’s company. In his embrace, there was something so right, something that felt right, smelt right. You let your body sag, your muscle become loose. In that embrace you felt your worries loose their keen sting and your optimism raise its head from the dirt.

“You’re so beautiful, my beloved,” he whispered, cupping your face and kissing you gently.

♡༚࿐ 🇰‌🇦‌🇪‌🇾‌🇦‌

avid user of nicknames

partially because he finds them cute

and partially because he loves teasing you

he’d use them in public and try to get a reaction out of you

like let’s say all of a sudden kaeya is back hugging you, pampering your neck with kisses

saying something like “what’s wrong, baby?”

he’d also use hot stuff, sweet cheeks, gorgeous, handsome, cutie pie, treasure

sometimes they’re really sweet, other times they’re really silly

side note, i feel like this one got a little out of hand sorry yall i lowkey can’t take kaeya seriously

listen to this while reading!

There was something so heavenly about a kiss in the rain, a tender moment that just wouldn’t wait. It was that burst of love that is expressed, not caring if the water soaked through to chill the skin. You felt yourself gasping for air as Kaeya’s lips left yours, doe like eyes searching for his. Behind that brilliant shade of blue sparkled a glacial attraction. So complex and mysterious, it was magnetic. It made you want him even more.

Upon seeing your dazed state Kaeya smiled, clearly enjoying the effect he had on you. His hands found yours. “Let’s get you of here before you catch a cold.” he said, leading you down the streets of Mondstadt. It was the middle of August, and you got caught in nothing more than a summer rain. You weren’t even cold, but alas you let it slide, enjoying seeing Kaeya worry about you, even if it wasn’t as serious as he made it seem.

There is something about a rain-washed pathway that invites playful feet, that says each new step will be rewarded with a splash. And soon, you found yourself splashing around, making the most out of this accidental rain shower.

The moment you finally reached your home, Kaeya wasted no time, his arms already wrapped around you in a tight embrace. Yet again, a gasp escaped your mouth, Kaeya’s cold lips leaving goosebumps behind each carefully placed kiss on your neck.

“You know what’s the best way to get warmed up, treasure?” he asked, his hands ghosting over your hips.

You shook your head softly, awaiting his answer.

“A good old dance party!” he exclaimed, spinning you around as he started humming a cheerful. “Nothing gets the blood going like a little movement!” it was obvious he found great pleasure in seeing your more than confused, if not disappointed, expression. Still, he paid you no mind and continued dancing with you all while singing a cheery melody.

It was quite save to assume there was never a boring moment with this man.

♡༚࿐ 🇦‌🇱‌🇧‌🇪‌🇩‌🇴‌

my favourite elevator boy

doesn’t love nicknames but doesn’t hate them either

i see him as an action speak louder than words guy

and although he’s aware that, as his partner, you know that

he still feels sorry for not being as vocal as other people when it comes to talking about his emotions??

so cute terms like these are a simple way he can show his appreciation for you

for some reason, i think he would really like using diminutives??

he’d call you things like little star

or baby or lovebug

i think it really matches his vibe ngl

listen to this while reading!

The breeze blew warm announcing the coming of summer's hottest days. The aroma of the tall grasses were an intoxicating perfume and the starry night above was a painting more sublime than any man could create. The clarity above became reflected in your mind.

Being with Albedo meant putting up with the unholy amount of hours he’d spend on whatever research he’d be conducting at the time. And luckily for you, his next big discovery involved the stars. On the black sky above you, there were a multitude of stars and there were lighter patches, clusters of faint and bold light, the constellations altered according to the time of year. These were the same stars that greeted the ancients, the same ones that would be there in millions of years.

As you enjoyed your little midnight snack, your gaze fell upon the chief alchemist. His eyes were fixated on the landscape above him, utterly fascinated by the world’s mystic beauty. Seeing him so consumed by his studies made your heart feel warm. It was adorable to see him like this.

Your sudden yawn made both you look at each other. Albedo’s gaze was filled with compassion, and perhaps a little remorse for making you come with him so late in the night just to stare blankly at the sky.

But you knew this wasn’t such a trivial thing.

You pet the spot next to you, silently asking him to sit down with you, to which he immediately obliged. As his head found its place on your shoulder a little sad smile made its appearance on his face.

“Sorry for making you come here with me, baby.” he said, his hand drawing patterns along your thigh. “I know this isn’t your idea of quality time.”

“Any time spent with you is quality time, silly.” you giggled, kissing the top of his head. “And besides, who doesn’t enjoy a little bit of stargazing?”

♡༚࿐ 🇻‌🇪‌🇳‌🇹‌🇮‌

ok now for venti

i feel like with him the tone he uses is very important??

i mean this also applies to the rest of the guys

but for venti even more so

he could simply refer to you by your name and it would still feel all special and bubbly

nonetheless, he loves using pet names!

i mean as a bard, he can come up with poems and such on a whim ( flashback to the signora moment :) )

so his nicknames for you always have a certain meaning or funny story behind them

oh, you love pumpkins or had an unfortunate accident involving one? now he calls you pumpkin all the time

he’d also call you things like sunshine because to him you bring so much joy and you warm his heart just like the sun.

with that being said, good luck to those pulling for him! <3

listen to this while reading!

“There you go! You’re really good at this!” Venti complimented you, observing in great detail the way your fingers touched the strings of his lyre.

Judging by the curious stares and even odd looks you’d get from time to time, that wasn’t really the case. What was supposed to be a simple walk around the city turned out to be a full concert. Although Venti couldn’t find it in his heart to tell you, who asked him so eagerly just a few moments ago if he could teach how to play a song, just how… Poor was your attempt.

A relieved sigh could be heard the moment your fingers left the strings, although Venti’s reassuring smile never left his face. “Don’t let a few strangers discourage you! Even the greatest geniuses had to start somewhere!”

“Are you saying I’m a genius?” you asked teasingly with a raised eyebrow, laughing at his flustered face.

“Let’s not go that far…” he murmured, winking cheekily.

“And here I was, thinking I could wow you with my insane musical skills…” you whined sarcastically, handing him his lyre as you continued your stroll. It was then Venti stopped in his tracks. Upon his face, shock was written all over, his expression soon turning sympathetic. For a moment, he left you alone, diving into the crowd of people, only to return to you with a single cecilia flower. Its fragrance was sweet and fresh and its color a perfect white. Shortly after, he gently placed it behind your ear, smiling to himself while looking at you.

“You don’t need fancy tricks to win over what you already have,” Venti said, kissing your cheek lightly. A cheerful tune could be heard across the street, Venti’s soft melody attracting a lot of attention, “I’m all yours, sunshine.” he said loud enough for more than a few people to hear.

He has such a way with words, doesn’t he?

[mochiable]

— cherries & foam. (f)

↣ summary: you've had a stressful day at work and Lucas is there to make your evening more enjoyable.

↣ pairing: boyfriend!lucas x fem!reader

↣ genre: fluff

↣ word count: +3k

↣ warnings: a bit suggestive

a/n: english is not my first language, so if you see any grammatical or spelling mistakes don't hesitate to tell me. any constructive criticism will be always welcome.

“Hello, love," you greeted your boyfriend as you walked through the door.

Lucas was lying on the couch watching the series you had sworn to watch together. You pouted unconsciously. Letting out a sigh, you took off your shoes and left your coat on the rack at the entrance.

“Are you watching the eleventh season of Modern Family without me?,” a new pout reappeared on your lips when you turned around and faced him.

Lucas turned his head in the direction of the tv and let out a nervous laugh, "Sorry, we can always resume to the last episode we watched together."

You couldn’t help the smile that formed on your lips as you heard him talk, "Don't worry, right now all I want to do is sleep until next year."

“Mhm, bad day?,” he questioned approaching you and bringing his face close to yours. You nodded softly as you grabbed his wrists and directed his arms around your waist.

“It was the most stressful day of my life, I swear I'm not exaggerating," you whispered, draping your arms around his shoulders and around his neck.

“You've been working so hard lately," he murmured, caressing your hip with his thumb. You nodded again with your eyes closed as you rested your forehead on his chest. You noticed how one of his hands went up to your head and started stroking your hair, "Do you want me to give you a massage?"

You groaned helplessly at the relaxation you got from the thought of it, eliciting a giggle from your boyfriend, "I'll take that as a yes."

You smiled again as you rose your head and looked into his eyes. He smiled back at you and moved in to kiss you. A lingering kiss, but not erotic at all. When you pulled apart you stood with your faces so close that your noses were touching, both of you with your eyes closed.

"You'll have to wash up first though, you smell a little," he teased just inches from your mouth, gaining a scoff and a punch on the arm from you, which made him laugh more, "how about you lie down on the bed while I run you a bath? Or do you want something to eat first?"

“I prefer the bath," you answered, but your look changed from a sweet one to one full of illusion, “wait, would you really run me a bath?”

“Ouch, are you that surprised?”, he answered with mock offense, bringing one of his hands to where his heart would be, making you laugh, “I'd make you as many as you want. Aigoo, my baby works very hard”.

You chuckled again, this time hitting him in the chest, “stop fooling around and go run me that bath, ‘cmon”.

“As you wish, Captain," he replied mockingly, putting a hand to his forehead as if he were a soldier.

Once Lucas left the dining room to go to prepare your bath, you headed to the kitchen with difficulty and opened the fridge looking for some snacks. You decided on the cherries in a small bowl, assuming Lucas had gone to buy them earlier this morning. You smiled sideways and took out the bowl, sat down on the counter and started eating.

“Babe, come on, it's ready!,” you heard him call you from the bathroom. You let out a sigh, shifting your gaze between your feet and the floor, “Y/N?”

“I can't!,” you answered, putting three cherries in your mouth, chewing slowly.

“Why not? What's the matter?,” his voice got closer and closer until your boyfriend's pretty face came through the kitchen door, “what's wrong?,” he asked in a soft voice as he walked over to you and looked with amusement at the bowl of cherries, “hey, that was meant for me!”, he whined, pouting cutely. You rolled your eyes and, without saying anything, stretched your arms in his direction. He looked at you with a raised eyebrow before crossing his arms, “you don't expect me to carry you, do you?”

You smiled excited as you waved your still raised arms at him, “please~”

Lucas sighed before he let out a laugh and ruffles your hair, making you squeal, “just because I love you”.

In less than two seconds you were in his arms, bridal style. You noticed how he held you with one arm, which made you frown, and turn your head, watching him grab the bowl of cherries with one of his hands. You looked at him with both eyebrows raised, waiting for an explanation, "what? I'm hungry”.

The moment Lucas opened the bathroom door, you tried not to let your mouth brush the floor. He had decorated the bathroom with red scented candles and dipped a bath bomb in the tub, giving the water a golden color.

You stared in awe at your boyfriend as he set you down and looked up at you with a proud smile.

"Baby, you didn't have to," you said stroking his cheek with your thumb.

He directed his hand and placed it on your wrist to pull it away from his face and give it a gentle squeeze, "come here," he replied leading you to the tub. He began to remove your thin jacket, then your shirt and undershirt.

You looked at him intrigued, "Xuxi, I understand you feel like doing things, but I'm too tired".

He looked at you in confusion and, after looking at the clothes now lying on the floor, opened his mouth and then quickly closed it. He brought his gaze back up to your face and gave you a gentle smack on the forehead, “No, pabo, I don't want to do anything”.

Without waiting a second longer, he bent down and unbuttoned your pants and then started to pull them down your long legs. You couldn’t help but bristle as he left a chaste kiss on your inner thigh. You've always felt self-conscious about your legs. You weren't what was considered the perfect ideal in Korea and, although you didn't like to admit it, the looks and comments people made about you had made you insecure about that part of their body.

Lucas knew that, in fact, you didn't need to tell him. When he saw that you stopped wearing skirts or shorts he knew something was wrong, and he didn't hesitate to show you how perfect you were for him and that the only important thing was that you felt comfortable in your own body. And he had not stopped proving it to you to this day.

“Do you want me to take off your underwear?,” he asked, looking down gently at you.

You ducked your head, embarrassed and slightly blushing, but it didn’t take you long to nod. Lucas smiled in response and, as gently as he could, placed his long fingers on your hips making your skin crawl. That was adorable to him, so he deposited a small kiss this time very close to your groin. Slowly, he began to pull down the small piece of cloth still covering you and threw it on the floor along with the rest of your clothes.

He immediately stood up, placing his hands on your shoulders and turning you around, making your back face him. Delicately running his hands up your arms, he reached the clasp of your bra and nimbly unfastened it. Then he turned you again and tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear and smiled sweetly at you.

He hadn't looked down once. He kept looking into your eyes the whole time and thinking how he was so lucky to meet you and delight in sharing moments like this with you. Despite the years you've been together and the fact that this isn't the first time he's seen you without any clothes on, this moment felt, without a doubt, absolutely special.

“You are beautiful," he whispered, causing your cheeks to turn crimson red. Since the first date he hadn't stopped complimenting you and making you feel like the most special person on the planet, but you couldn’t help but feel self-conscious every time he emphasized how important you were to him.

And there he had you, completely at his mercy. You felt so small under his gaze yet so powerful. You knew it was at times like these that he would do whatever you asked, just as he knew you would do the same for him. But Lucas treated you with such affection that, even in this situation, he would never hurt you, in any way, shape or form.

“I heated the water just the way you like it, even though it's probably not as hot now as you'd prefer. Sorry about that," he smiled apologetically at you, making it inevitable that a smile took the shape of your lips, "oh, I also poured the bubble soap”.

“How could I have been so lucky?,” you asked rhetorically, hugging him by the waist but keeping your head up to see his face.

“You'll have to specify a little more, I don't know if you're referring to me or that I had to fight with an old lady for the last bottle of soap," he joked, provoking laughter from both of you.

“Thank you," you said sincerely, looking him straight in the eye.

“Don't thank me, sweetie,” he winked at you as he took you by the hand and helped you up the small step that was blocking your easy way into the bathtub. Once inside, you laid your head on the curve, where there was a towel to avoid further pain.

Lucas knelt down and began to wet your hair while you closed your eyes at the soothing sensation. Minutes passed and you had already gotten used to the temperature and pampering of your boyfriend. Lucas took the shampoo and made you sit up so he could apply the soap more easily on you.

You were hugging your knees, which were pressed to your chest. You didn't know how but, somehow or other, you still felt weak in front of him. You were so in love with him that if moments like these were to end someday you wouldn't know how to go on with your life.

After a few minutes, Lucas' soft fingers were tangled in your hair, gently massaging your skin in an attempt to clear your mind. Later, he rinsed your hair and applied vanilla soap (your favorite) on a sponge. Then he started to rub it on your back and then on your arms, chest and legs.

Some of you will say, couldn't she do this on her own? But you only say that because you don't know how romantic and tender it is to have your favorite person take such good care of you.

A splash aimed at your face snapped you out of your thoughts. You quickly brought the palms of your hands to your eyes and wiped away the traces of water that had lingered in the area. When you finally opened them you found your boyfriend holding back laughter. You raised an eyebrow and didn't hesitate to return the splash. That quickly turned into a water... and soap war.

“Ouch!," you squealed as a bit of suds got in your right eye. You immediately felt Lucas lean over the tub and pull your hands away from your face. He held your chin with his middle finger and thumb and turned your face in his direction.

He grimaced at the sight of your eye and stroked the bottom of it with the thumb of his other hand, trying to dry the area a bit, “It's a little sore, does it sting?”

You shook your head, "No, but you're going to pay for it," at the look of confusion on your boyfriend's face, you splashed him again, making him scream and provoking laughter from both of you.

After a few minutes of trying to regulate your breathing, Lucas turned around and grabbed the bowl of cherries he had brought with him. He carefully set it down on the step of the tub and directed a cherry to your mouth. You gladly took it and playfully bit his finger afterwards, to which he raised his eyebrows.

“Don't heat up what you don't want to eat," he warned, popping two cherries into his mouth. You laughed and moved a little closer to him. Luke picked up a cherry again and directed it at you, but you frowned and took it from him, leaving him confused. You made the gesture of handing it to him, bringing it closer to his mouth, but when it was already brushing his lips you quickly pushed it away and popped it in your mouth. You let out another laugh when you saw his annoyed face, "don't tempt me, y/n," he scolded you with fake annoyance, to which you stuck your tongue out at him.

Once Lucas finished bathing you he sat on the floor, resting his elbow on the step and holding your head with the palm of his hand. He smiled internally when he saw you playing with the little foam that was still left, passing it from one hand to the other and putting it back in the water. You were silent for a few seconds, feeling how his gaze never left you for a moment. You decided to raise your head, meeting the loving eyes of your boyfriend, who looked at you as if you were the most beautiful and expensive work of art in any museum.

“Why are you looking at me, Xuxi?,” you asked in a low tone of voice, closing your eyes and resting your face on your knee, which was sticking out of the water.

“How beautiful you look," he answered, holding back the urge to pull you out of the bathtub and hug you for the rest of the night. You opened your eyes and smiled broadly, making Lucas' heart pound, so much that he felt like it was going to burst out of his mouth. “Do you want me to leave so you can enjoy the bath by yourself?,” he asked with the intention of getting up and leaving the bathroom.

You quickly shook your head and pulled your arm out of the water to grab one of her hands and entwine it with yours, “stay with me, I always enjoy being with you”.

“I know, you tell me that every night," he joked, causing you to splash him again with the now cold water in the bathtub, eliciting a laugh from him.

Lucas moved his free hand to your knee that was closest to him and began to caress it, slowly lowering it until his hand was submerged in the water, continuing his caresses on the top of your thigh, very close to your hip.

You couldn't stop your skin from prickling again at such a sensation. It seemed that Lucas had some power over you, that he had somehow bewitched you so that, every time he touched you, wherever it was, you felt your legs tremble. Every time his fingers came into contact with your skin you felt soft electric shocks, which not only passed through your sensory nerves, but reached deep into your heart. You had often wondered if this was what people called "being in love", because if this sensation was the definition of being in love, then you had achieved the highest position.

“It's so cute how your skin prickles every time I touch you," he whispered, bringing his face close to yours, allowing you to smell his minty breath.

“That's the effect you have on me," you murmured back, directing your gaze to his pink lips.

“Mhm, that sounded sexy," he teased, giving you a gentle pinch on your thigh, causing an intense blush to take over your cheeks.

“You're weird," you laughed, bringing your hand in the direction of his, which was still underwater. You brought it to your mouth and placed a short but gentle kiss on his knuckles, then rested your cheek on the top of his hand. “Don't you want to get in here with me? The water is just the way you like it”.

He shook his head, "I'm fine here, I like looking at you”.

You were silent for a few minutes, looking at each other and thinking about how much you had missed each other.

“You're shaking, do you want to go out?,” Lucas asked, stroking the back of your hand.

When you nodded like a little girl, Lucas got up from the floor and walked over to the corner where your towels were on the electric towel rack. He grabbed the softest one and spread it out, shaking it gently to finish unfolding it. Then he picked up a smaller one for your feet and walked over to you, holding the one for your body with one hand and stretching the one for your feet on the edge of the tub. With his free hand he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him to lift you up, helping you cautiously out of the tub, getting your feet onto the towel that was laying on the floor. He made a gesture with his head for you to move your arms away from your sides, which you did, and, with a smile, he wrapped your body in the soft towel.

With one hand you held the towel so as not to drop it and pulled it even tighter to your body. He then bent down to open one of the drawers on the shelf and from there he pulled out another towel. He walked back over to you and turned you around, with you facing the mirror and your back to Lucas. He lifted the towel and dropped it over your head, then began to move it in gentle circles, massaging your scalp. You closed your eyes, forcing yourself to relax.

“You're the best boyfriend I've ever had," you opened your eyes wide when you heard him laugh. Had you said that out loud?

“I don't really know whether to be flattered or offended," he joked, finally dropping the towel from your head, meeting your boyfriend's amused face through the mirror.

You felt your cheeks heat up from one moment to the next and smiled apologetically at him. It was true, you had never had a boyfriend before, and it wasn't something you used to be ashamed of, not until now.

“Well, I think you should be flattered," you said, putting a clip on your towel so it wouldn't fall and turning around. You moved as close to him as possible and raised your hands to place them on his shoulders. You stood on tiptoe so you could reach his face, “even if I had a thousand boyfriends, you'd still be the best," you smiled as you watched Lucas bite his lower lip trying to hold back the huge smile that was about to escape him. Without waiting another second you pressed your lips to his, in a short and soft kiss.

“Tell me something I don't know," he teased making you both laugh before melting into another kiss, this one much longer and more passionate than the other, in which you showed each other how much you loved each other and how much you needed each other.

It was at that moment that you realized how lucky you were to be with a man like Lucas. Because he wasn't a boy, he was truly a man. And best of all, he wasn't just any man, he was your man.

copyright © 2021 @/mochiable. all rights reserved.

[stardustintheabyss]

“I’ve seen you before”

Oikawa x fem!reader

Sum: Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone. Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

But was it a mistake?

Warnings: swearing because I have no r e s t r a i n t. Insecurity, bullying. Oikawa being a dumbass. Angst and fluff. Small spoiler at the end.

Word count: A lot, it’s....it’s long. My stupid tablet doesn't have word count capabilities

A/n: this is based on a dream I had. How dare the dream gods give me oikawa and not my husbando(s) tendou(kirishima) 😩 and I write to get scenarios out of my head before they drive me insane

Well at least he's pretty

ok I 💫may💫 have fallen a little while writing this

It had been a long weekend of practice and homework for Oikawa. So what better way to zoneout and relax before bed on Sunday night then scroll through his instagram feed.

He'd been scrolling through random sunset photos when he suddenly saw your face in the 'suggested for you' section. Your picture was of you with what he assumed was your cat perched on your shoulder. It was cute. You were cute.

And you did look familiar. Yes, he has seen you before. He's seen you at school. You're always by yourself, reading a book or on your phone sitting on a bench by the front gates.

He tapped on your photo. He started looking through your posts. Landscapes, food, your cute cat, flowers, sunsets, your family. Is what you mostly posted.

Then he came across the rare selfie.

He was wrong. You weren't just cute.

You were breathtakingly beautiful.

How had he not seen that at school?

You were looking off to the side, a small shy smile on your lips. Sunlight and cherry blossom petals in your wild wind blown hair.

He saw that you were online.

He wanted to talk to you and he didn't have the patience to wait until tomorrow at school.

Hey I've seen you before. You go to Aoba Johsai right?

A message popped up on your phone. One from Aoba Johsai's resident pretty boy and captain of the volleyball club. Oikawa Tooru. What the fuck? You weren't one of his pathetic fan girls that fawned all over him. You never cared for the drama that followed the popular crowd. And in all honestly he kind of repulsed you because of the way he let his ego be stroked. You saw him as a pompous ass. You've never shown any kind of interest in the setter. So why was he messaging you of all people? But curiosity got the better of you and you wrote back. Not like he's gonna talk to you at school anyway. He's popular and you're a loner. Two different worlds.

You know that sounds creepy right? But yes.

I'm just trying to be friendly 😔

I've seen that you sit mostly by yourself and thought you could use a friend 😁

You snorted. Maybe he wasn't as bad as you thought. Still, you didn't want to be too friendly towards him.

I don't care for hs drama but thanks for your chivalry ig 🙄

At this moment your college aged sister begged you to help with one of her cosmetology classes that's due tomorrow. Eyelash extensions. You don't wear makeup but she's your sister and she's giving you puppy dog eyes. You sighed, "Fine." Forgetting to exit out of your messages, you set your phone down, ready to be put through hell.

"Thanks sis! Okay I just need you to lay down and relax." While she got to work the messages on your phone went unnoticed by you.

I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, promise 😅

Y/l/n?

You there?

I'm REALLY sorry!

It's rude to leave people on read yk

Please ?

Y/l/n-chan?

Oikawa was panicking. He didn't mean to piss you off...and now he might have lost his chance to be your friend...or more maybe?

Trying to face time couldn't hurt right?

It just rang. And rang. And rang.

You didn't pick up.

Please. Y/n I'm truly sorry. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me and I don't think about what I say. I just meant I'd like to be your friend. If you'd let me?

"All finished, babe." Your sister said. "You're looking gorgeous! If I do say so myself." She took a quick after picture for her class.

You grimaced. You never thought of yourself as pretty let alone gorgeous. "Thanks, I guess. Not one to toot your own horn, huh?"

She just rolled her eyes. " Your phone has been pinging like crazy by the way." Wiggling her eyebrows, "Talking to a boy? My baby sis, all grown up."

"W-what?" You stuttered, picking up your phone. 8 messages and 1 face time call. All from the setter captain. It must be your imagination because in the last message he sounded...flustered? You didn't notice the soft smile that graced your lips. But your annoying sister did.

"Oikawa. Isn't he some volleyball big shot at your school? Y/n, is that a smile I see?" She grinned from over your shoulder, seeing the messages.

"I-. Yes. He is." Furrowing your brows. Denying the truth, "And no, I am not smiling."

"Mmhm. Sooo you going to have a new 'friend' or what."

Your self consciencesness got the better of you. "Why would he want to be my friend? He's him and I'm...me." You bit your lip.

"You idiot. You really don't give yourself enough credit. Your smart, have a kind heart and you are beautiful. You just don't let yourself see it. Let someone in." She whispered in your ear giving you a hug.

You sighed. You believed that your sister believed in what she was saying...but years of middle school bullying ingrained into your heart and mind don't disappear overnight. "I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed. 'Night sis."

"Good night y/n."

Getting ready for bed you looked in the mirror. You had a tiny smile, your sister was right, the lashes did look great.

It was late but right before you drifted off to sleep you sent Oikawa a message.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

Taking a deep breath, letting down your guard, getting out of your comfort zone.

Opening the wall you built around your heart a long time ago.

You let Oikawa Tooru in.

...I wouldn't mind having a friend

The next day

He woke up to two new messages from you. He had tried staying up, waiting for a reply back but he must have fallen asleep. His phone still in his hand.

Sorry. I'm not mad, I was helping my sister with something...

...I wouldn't mind having a friend.

A wide sleepy smile came across his face. Just about the time he was going to dm you his phone died. Where's my damn charger? He started rifling through everything, turning his room upside down. The last place he had it was...the locker room.

"Dammit!" He would just have to see you at school. He quickly got ready to go meet Iwa-chan and walk to school.

You weren't necessarily disappointed that Oikawa hadn't replied yet. Even though you had lowered your walls, you set the bar pretty low on expectations. Especially on a friendship with him. But that didn't stop you from being a little excited to see him. You were sitting in your favorite spot at school, reading. Same thing you did every day. It was on a small stone bench in the shade of a cherry tree near the entrance. Abruptly you heard a chorus of squealing. You've learned throughout high school this meant Oikawa had stepped on campus, Iwaizumi reluctantly in tow.

You smiled and waved.

He didn't see. But you didn't know that. 

You thought he was ignoring you. Your smile faded. Last night must have been some prank. It wouldn't have been the first time someone decided it would be funny to play with you like a toy. You never should have listened to your sister and let your guard down.

Tears started to prick your eyes. You shut them tightly, willing them to not fall.

You were not going to cry over Oikawa fucking Tooru.

You grabbed you bag and headed to your classroom.

He had seen you get off the bench and walk towards the building. He tried making his way to you but there was just too many girls blocking him. Letting out a frustrated breath he waved his hand and yelled, "Y/l/n-chan!"

You didn't hear him.

Upset he couldn't get to you he said the only thing he could think of to get all these girls to back off for once. "I have a girlfriend, so could you please respect that." He didn't see the crazy girls make a connection between what he said about having a girlfriend and yelling your name.

He didn't realize he just put a target on your back.

At lunch

You were spinning the dial to your locker getting your lunch when you were shoved against it. You turned around and was met with several angry looking girls. Eyes darting between them. Your fight or flight instincts kicking in.

But nobody ever mentions the third option, which is what happened.

You froze.

"This is her?" Some girl sneered.

What were they talking about? You'd never done anything to these girls. You'd always kept to yourself, ensuring a situation like this wouldn't happen.

"She's not even pretty." Said another taking a sip from her juice carton.

"I bet it's just some joke. He wouldn't be with some fat worthless nobody." The girl who seemed to be the leader said as she pushed you to the ground.

Ignoring the tears starting to run down your cheeks and swallowing the lump forming in your throat, "What are you talking about?"

"Wow, Oikawa has himself a stupid girlfriend." said the leader.

"G-girlfriend?" Ok. Now you really had no clue what the fuck they were talking about.

"Stay the hell away from him. He's mine." With that she dumped the remains of the other girls juice carton on you and they walked away laughing.

Holditin.Holditin.Holditin. You chanted inside your head until you made it to the bathroom where you could cry without being bothered. You had stayed off the radar for years and now you were in the middle of it. You let out a sob, sliding to the floor. You felt like you were right back in middle school. Useless. Fat. Ugly. You brought your knees to your chest. Unloveable. Unwanted. Not worth anybody’s time. That’s why you shut everyone out when you became a first year at Seijoh. You didn’t want a repeat of middle school. 

But it ended up happening anyway. 

So you cried. You cried until you had no more tears. You let it all out until you didn’t care anymore. You had no problem in obeying the threat staying away from the bastard. She could have him. You stood and splashed water on your face trying to ease the puffiness around your eyes. Sighing you realized you'd probably have to stay after school until you looked like you hadn't spent your entire lunch break crying or your sister would ask questions. The now pink stained shirt you could explain away easily. The red and puffy eyes you could not. And you didn't want to deal with that on top of everything else. 

Oikawa had looked for you at lunch but he couldn't find you. He did however hear some girls laughing and chatting about messing with ‘Oikawa’s girlfriend’. How could they mess with someone he made up? He turned to his best friend to ask. “Iwa-chan do you know what those girls were talking about?” he whispered so no one would hear, “How could they have messed with my ‘girlfriend’ when I made her up?”

“Idiot. Remember this morning when you called Y/l/n’s name and then immediately after said you had a girlfriend? And don't call me Iwa-chan, Shittykawa.” He rolled his eyes.

He blanched. He hadn’t realized what he'd done. Or apparently how psycho those girls are. He was so focused on you he didn't even whine about Iwaizumi’s regular insults. He wanted to find you and see if you were okay. To apologize for putting you in that situation. Standing abruptly making his chair screech, “I got to go find her--” The bell signaled lunch was over. Fuck. Maybe she’ll be on that bench after school. I’ve seen her there after practice sometimes.

After school

And by some miracle you were there, reading your book. Oikawa took a minute to look at you before he approached. As in your picture your hair was wild but not unkept, it was hiding your eyes. Your lips were slightly pursed while you were reading and your leg was bouncing contentedly.  

You were beautiful.

You looked okay.

Until he got closer and finally saw your eyes. You had obviously been crying. By the looks of it a lot. He also saw you had a huge pink stain on your shirt. What had happened?

You had heard someone approach but decided it was best to ignore them.

“Are you okay Y/l/n-chan?” Oikawa spoke softly.

You were so not in the mood for this. For him. Your hands tightened around your book, flicking your eyes up at him and then back down, “Don’t.” 

It was only a second but he saw the hurt in your eyes and it was his fault it was there, “I wanted to-” He tried to say but you didn’t let him finish.

Your voice was raw with emotions you didn’t want to feel for him. “WHAT?! You what? Wanted to play with my feelings some more? I bet you had a good laugh last night saying all that shit. And then completely ignoring me this morning when I waved. Making me feel like I could actually have a friend for once?” Your voice got louder and he flinched at your next words. “That someone would even want to be my friend? I fucking knew I shouldn't have but I let you in anyway.” You let out a dark broken laugh and said much quieter, “Even after what happened last time.” Coldly, “Don’t you have a harem to get back to? Just...just leave me alone Oikawa.”

His mouth dropped in shock. He hadn’t seen you wave. What did you mean by last time? He was heartbroken that someone had made you feel this horrible about yourself and he had reminded you of it. He didn’t want to leave you alone, he had to make you understand you were special. He laid his hand on your book trying to make you pay attention. He said the only thing he thought would make you listen. “Tooru.”

You stiffened, nobody calls him by his first name. You've never even heard his best friend call him Tooru. Your voice barely above a whisper, heart stuttering, “What did you say?”

“Tooru. You can call me Tooru. I-I was happy this morning when I woke up when I saw your messages. But my phone died before I could say anything.” He cleared his throat, “ I fell asleep waiting. I was going to talk to you but then that stupid crowd of girls came. Y/l/n I swear I didn’t see you wave! I tried calling for you but you must not have heard me," he frowned, "and I was frustrated so to get them to back off I said I had a girlfriend. I tried looking for you during lunch period but I couldn't find you. Then I heard what those girls did. I’m sorry I put that target on you. I was going to try looking for you again but then the bell rang. This spot after school was my last hope. Well for now anyway, until I got my phone charged.” He rushed out, praying you would forgive him. 

“That’s what they were talking about...” 

“What were they saying? If you don’t mind talking about it.” Gingerly he laid his hand on yours, holding it.

During his speech you had unconsciously torn your walls down yet again. You heard the sincerity in his voice and saw the concern in his eyes. This was real. He did care. Fuck. Somewhere between last night and this morning you had developed feelings, you just hadn't wanted to believe you weren't immune to his charms. Why did it have to be him. You swallowed, “They basically said I was worthless and wasn’t pretty enough for you. They also shoved me against my locker and onto the floor.” Taking a deep breath you revealed the most humiliating part of the whole thing, “Their leader dumped juice on me.” You looked away not wanting him to see the tears starting to run down your cheeks and you didn't want to see the pity you were sure to receive in his eyes. 

“Hey.” He gently turned your face with a palm on each cheek. Wiping your tears away with his thumbs. “You are not worthless. And those girls are just jealous because your the most beautiful girl at Seijoh. I’m sorry they said and did those things to you. It was my fault and I want to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

You searched his face, surely he was lying to make you feel better? But you only found the truth in his warm brown eyes. Oikawa may be an ass but he does not lie. “Okay...Tooru.” 

His heart fluttered when you spoke his name. Little did he know that yours did too when he asked you to call him that.

“Come on, lets go.” He smiled pulling you up. “I got something you can change into so you don’t have to wear that home.” He pointed to your ruined shirt.

You and him walked over to the gym. He had never let your hand go from pulling you up and you didn’t mind. You halted at the entry way dropping his hand. He was going to lead you in but, “Tooru, I can't. Only players and managers can go in the gym during practice time.”

He snorted, “Iwa-chan made that rule so the uh” he coughed, “students wouldn't bother us.” Taking your hand he pulled you in after him. 

Your face was blushing like mad from the looks you were getting from his teammates. Nobody questioned their captain though. 

“Please wait here while I change and grab you something.” He left you at the bleachers. 

Iwaizumi walked over to where you were sitting. Before he could say anything you spoke. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not allowed in here but he drug me in and said he was going to get me something to change into." You plucked at your still sticky shirt. "I-I'll leave when Tooru comes back.” You found it easy for Tooru's name to roll of your tongue. 

The usually intimidating looking ace smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Tooru, huh? We don't let students in during practice because they follow Oikawa in. He brought you in here. So you can stay if you want.”

You let out a surprised, “Oh.” 

“You know he couldn't stop talking about you on the way to school this morning? About how he saw this and I quote ‘breathtakingly beautiful’ photo of you on instagram. He kept talking about your hair with cherry blossom petals in it and your shy smile.” 

Your face was on fire. You knew the exact photo he was talking about. How far back did he scroll, it was buried under a ton of pictures.

“He was also worried about you the rest of the day after lunch. He was pretty upset, he even threatened to cancel practice if he didn’t find you on your bench.”

“Iwa-channnn!” Oikawa whined. “Friends keep secrets.” He didn’t look mad but his face was a light shade of pink. Was he...embarrassed?

“Ew. I’m not your friend Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi replied walking away. You laughed quietly, his tone said otherwise.

Except it wasn't just any shirt, it was his jersey. “I can’t wear this! Only couples do that!”

“You're right! You're my best friend!” Tooru called back.

He was met with a middle finger and a "Shut it, Tooru."

 “Anyways here. You can change in the girls locker room over there.” He handed you one of his shirts and pointed to the room.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Well I did inadvertently call you my girlfriend. You wouldn't want to make me a liar now would you Y/l/n-chan?” He pouted.

“N-no, but I'm not your girlfriend?” You remembered the things Iwaizumi told you, your face deepening to a scarlet shade.

He took a step closer. You could smell his scent. He smelled like oranges, cloves and...clean sweat? Of course he could make sweat smell intoxicating. It was making your brain hazy. You almost missed what he said. “Do you? Want to be I mean.” The look he was giving you was so genuine and...sweet.

This was too much too fast, but your mouth and heart didn't care apparently what you thought. “I-.” You breathed. “Yes.”

His face lit up, taking one of your hands into his. “We’ll talk more after practice, yeah?” 

All you could do is nod. Squeezing your hand as he left to go start practice you went to go change your shirt. It was long on you. Almost falling to the same spot your uniform skirt stopped. You rolled it up a little and tucked it in. That was better.

After changing you returned to your spot on the bleachers. You'd been to games before. It was practically an unsaid rule that all students were required to go. But you really never paid attention, usually doing anything but watching to kill time.

This time you paid attention. Tooru was remarkable. You could see why he was captain and how he got the nickname 'the great king'. You were so entrapped by the teams flow you didn't notice the hours fly by.

Tooru came back over to you, asking somewhat nervously, "So what did you think?" He didn't know why it felt so important to get praise from you. He just knew he wanted you to be proud of him.

Your smile was open and you had stars in your eyes, "You were amazing!" Dipping your toe at being flirty, you winked, "l'll have to pay better attention at the next game."

His heart leapt. You said he was amazing. "Thank you, that means so much coming from you." The second part finally clicked, "Hey wait! What do you mean you'll have to pay better attention at the next game?" He teased.

Sheepishly, "I never uh...actively watched a game before."

"That hurts Y/l/n-chan. Just you wait until the next game." He smiled, "So can I walk you home? It's late and you shouldn't walk by yourself."

"Sure. I don't live far though." You returned his smile.

After he went and changed out of his practice clothes he outstretched his hand for you to take, interlacing your fingers with his. When you got to the gates he asked which way. You pulled him to the left. You curious about earlier.

"So about what Iwaizumi said..." You left the question hanging in the air.

"He was telling the truth." He said it so simply, like he just didn't turn your world upside-down.

"Oh." Was all you could manage with all the butterflies in your stomach. Before you knew it you were in front of your house. "This is me." You turned to face him.

"Really? Iwa-chan and I live one street over."

"You're joking." He had to be. 

"Nope, cross my heart." More seriously "Do you want to walk to school with us maybe?"

"I'd like that, Tooru." Shyly you peeked up at him through your lashes.

"Hey, I noticed before." He traced a thumb over your cheekbone, brushing against your fluttering eyelashes. "Your eyes look different some how?"

You let out a small chuckle, "Eye lash extensions. That's what I was helping my sister with last night. She's in a cosmetology class."

He leaned down, getting very close. "They suit you Y/l/n-chan."

Clearing your throat. "Um, thanks." A beat later, "Call me Y/n."

His eyes softened. "Can I kiss you, Y/n?"

Your breath caught. "Y-yes."

He closed the distance between the two of you. Your eyes shutting and heart thumping wildly with anticipation.

You did not expect the feather light touch of his lips ghosting over yours. You did not expect such a tender kiss from the popular setter captain.

At first your lips only brushed against each others. Testing. Until you couldn't stand it any longer. He had lit a fire inside. You leaned in closer, needing more. Pressing your lips against his and moving one hand onto the back of his neck and the other onto his shoulder pulling him closer. He took this queue to hold your waist. As you kissed time stood still. You couldn't tell if the fire inside was tearing you apart or if he was holding you together. There was just you and him, the world had long ago faded away.

He was surprised you took control of the kiss but was glad you did. He didn't want to push you after everything you'd been through. And honestly he could barely think straight. Could barely breathe. Your lips were so soft and they tasted like honey. He didn't want it to end, he would have happily drowned surrounded by air if it meant he could kiss you.

But you pulled away breathless and eyes bright. You leaned into the comfort of his arms.

 That was your first kiss.

"I'll be waiting here tomorrow Y/n." He pressed his lips to the crown of your head.

"Alright." You looked up at him. "Message me when you get home 'kay?"

"Will do, my queen." The name sent tingles down your spine. Once again putting his lips to yours. "Good night."

"'Night Tooru." You slipped out of his embrace and before you made your way inside, you gave him one last wave goodbye. Dazed you shut the door behind you with your back and brought your fingers to your smiling lips.

"'Friends' huh? Lot different in my day." Your sister said from the couch, her eyes catching on his jersey.

Still grinning like a fool, "Shut up." You headed upstairs to start on your homework. About ten minutes later you received a text. Smiling you opened it.

Made it home safe and sound. And now I'm going to sleep so I can dream of you 😘

Who knew 'the great king' was such a goofball.

Sweet dreams then, goofball

They will be because you'll be in them ❤

Rude, my queen, rude

Good night Tooru ❤

But that’s why you like me 

Rolling your eyes, you grinned.

The next morning he was right where he said he would be. Waiting for you. Iwaizumi with him of course. “Morning Iwaizumi.”

“Good morning Y/l/n.” Iwaizumi greeted.

 You said taking your boyfriends hand. “Morning Tooru.” You were feeling confident this morning so you tugged him down a little so you could reach his face, pecking him on the lips.

His eyes widened. He definitely didn't expect that, not that he was complaining. “G-good morning Y/n.” A rosy hue dusting his cheeks.

You giggled at his reaction. 

“I guess the right girl turns you into a flustered mess.” Iwaizumi joked.

"I make you a flustered mess huh? I wouldn’t mind taking advantage of that.” You nudged him playfully as you all started to make your way to school.

“No fair. I won’t allow you and Iwa ganging up on me!” He tilted his head towards your ear, whispering for only you to hear. “Besides, my queen, I give as good as I get.”

You choked. And he didn't miss the red on your face. Oh boy. If he kept up with that name you were going to become a puddle. Clearing your throat awkwardly, “Ah look, we’re here!”

Unfortunately you were met with his swarm of ‘fans’. At the head of it all were the bitches that made you feel like shit. Tooru felt you hesitate and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze and looked at you with such adoration in his eyes. That was all you needed. You were going to show these girls you weren’t afraid of them. You hoped he wouldn't mind your sudden boldness.

Turning towards him and standing on your tippy toes you grabbed the back of his neck and crashed your lips against his. This kiss was much deeper than the one you shared last night. You'd even go so far to say passionate. Last night was tentative, figuring each other out. This kiss you poured in all your feelings, all of your heart and soul. Pulling away slightly, resting your forehead against his and playing with the hair near where your hand rested on his neck, “Um, sorry if that was too much.”

You turned to face the mostly shocked crowd. The only angry one was the leader girl. Remembering what she said yesterday, “I’m his.” He wasn’t some possession to own. But you were free to give your heart to him, if he wanted it. Really you didn’t expect him to say anything during this exchange but he did. 

God, you were perfect he thought. With a stupid smile on his face, “N-no don’t be sorry. Not at all.” 

It made your heart catch in your throat.

“And I’m hers.” The girls mouth dropped open. “Come on. Let’s go, my queen.” he said pressing his lips to your knuckles, sending a shiver up your back.

“Tooru!” You squeaked. That damn pet name. You knew no matter how many times he said it, it would still make you weak in the knees and make your heart leap. And he fucking knew it. You walked hand in hand to your spot under the cherry tree. “Don’t call me that when a bunch of people are around...”

“Why not? It’s true. And you like it.” He gave you a cheeky look. “Besides that passionate kiss you gave me was pretty public.”

A blush creeping up your neck, “I-shut up.”

Chuckling he brought you into a hug, “Whatever you wish, my queen.”

Epilogue 

As the months passed you and Tooru grew closer together and his ‘fan club’ realized you weren't going anywhere. Sure some still tried to bring you down but over the months you had gained some confidence in yourself. You weren't as insecure but when you fell Tooru was there to help you pick yourself back up. You had also become good friends with the volleyball guys, especially Iwa. You had a special bond over teasing your boyfriend. Even though you both teased him relentlessly he was happy two of his favorite people got along so well. In fact he had asked if you had wanted to officially become a manager. You practically were now anyway he said so why not make it official. Of course you agreed. 

It was only your third game as a manager when they lost to Karasuno. You knew how bad he wanted to go to nationals. It was his dream and this was his last chance. He was sitting on the floor outside the gym, head hung low in devastation. You knew words were not what he wanted to hear right now. He just needed you to be there for him. You sat down next to him, waiting. He gently pulled you onto his lap, burying his head in the crook of your shoulder. Holding you closely. He was silent but you felt his warm tears fall on your skin. You held him and hummed a slow melody quietly in his ear. After awhile he kissed your temple.

“Thank you.” He whispered. He was ready talk.

“I’m here for you, always. You’re my king, win or lose. And I am so so proud of you.” A small smile lifted one side of his mouth.

 You were going to tell him something important today. No matter what happened. Maybe he needed to hear it especially because of what happened. You took a deep breath and kissed his forehead briefly. One hand on his cheek and looking into his still tear stained eyes. 

“I know the world has greater things than nationals waiting for you. You may not feel like it now but believe me when I say it. You are so much more than what you think you are and....and that’s why I love you, Tooru.”

He searched your face looking for pity or disappointment but all he found was love. For weeks those three words had been just under the surface, waiting to be spoken into existence, always on the tip of his tongue at the end of every conversation with you or even when he would see you do small simple things. Hearing the love in your voice and the feeling of you mend his shattered heart about nationals they finally broke free.

 “I love you too, Y/n.”

He might have been your first kiss but you were his first love and he wanted you to be his last.

He gently ran his thumb against your bottom lip.

And he kissed you with everything he had, like it would be his last.

But.

There was many more to come...

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Seventy-Four [Pt. 1]

Words: 3k

Warning(s): explicit language, drug abuse

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I exhale, turning to look at Nikki where he's laying beside me, a sickly pale tone to his skin, his black hair tangled, his hand that is clinging to mine, covered in tracks, the same appearance as his other hand. 

I can't help but wonder if I bathed him if he'd wake up. He reeks, and he's rough looking, only adding to my guilt. 

Fred gave him a sleeping pill to ease him off of his coke high--he's been freebasing again, just cooking it up in the room's microwave. 

I don't know what the hell to do about him. 

I wish I did. 

Turning over to face him, I brush his bangs out of his eyes, my fingertips lightly dusting over his cheeks, dark circles under his eyes. 

They were supposed to play tonight, but said Nikki came down with the flu and added the show to the second round of U.S. tours lined up for early next year. 

The Nikki I knew would have never put drugs over his music, his fans, and especially not his relationship. 

But, the Nikki I knew also wouldn't have cheated on me…

It's been hard to accept the fact that the Nikki I fell in love with six years ago, isn't around anymore. 

1981

I finish getting my church dress back on, grinning at Nikki as he gets his pants laced back up, the both of us glancing at each other in the back of my car. 

"What's mommy and daddy gonna say when I send their girl back home all turned out?" He asks me, smugly, and I put my heels back on, scoffing. 

"Gee, just come home with me and find out." I shrug. 

"I'll pass." He mumbles, pulling his shirt over his head. 

"Oh, c'mon, I'm sure they'd love you." I nudge him with my elbow. 

"Your mom would piss her granny-panties." He argues, wrinkling his nose a little and I just blink at him. 

"Maybe...but I'm pretty sure my dad would like you." I inform him. 

"Like hell he does." He says to himself and I just let out a breath. 

"So…" I say after a few seconds of silence and he nods a little, awkward tension filling the air around us. 

"...Well." He lets out in the same tone. 

"Good freaking night." I go to open the car door, irritated that he doesn't offer up to hangout and do stuff other than fool around, slamming the door shut.

"Hey, what's up?" He asks me, getting out next, standing by the driver's door, blocking my way. 

"Nothing. I'll see you later." I mumble, nudging him out of my way, opening my door but he's quickly shutting it before I can. 

"Viv, what's--" 

"--I'm gonna start charging you to sleep with me." I state blatantly and his hazel eyes widen, a shit eating smirk on his lips as he chuckles out, "what?" 

"You'd think since we have sex with each other so often it'd at least make us friends, but all you wanna do when we hangout is screw around and then go do whatever with the guys." I tell him. "And, no, this isn't me being a 'typical girl' and developing feelings for you just because we've had sex. It's me being tired of feeling like I'm just being used to get you off." 

"I'm being used to get you off so it's a win-win, is it not?" 

"You sound like Vince." I snap. "All that's happening is I screw you, you screw me, we leave, and don't talk until we're both horny again." 

"Is that not how this works?" 

"The least we can do is get food afterwards or something." I suggest. 

"...Like a date?" 

I gag at the thought. 

"Ew, no." I tell him and he looks confused. "Like, um...I don't know. But since I don't hate you enough to not hook up with you, anymore, I think we could at least get to know who we're hooking up with a little better."

"Friends with benefits?" He clarifies. 

"No, no, we're not friends." I point out and he let me get in my car. 

"I'll see you tomorrow night?" He throws out and I nod. "Wear something pretty--we're going to McDonald's." He smugly smiles and I roll my eyes, holding back a laugh. 

I'm shaking the memory away when there's a knock at the door and I slowly get out of bed, trying not to wake Nikki, slipping my hand from his as my feet hit the hotel carpet. 

I open the door, seeing Mick.

"They wanted us to go ahead and start getting our stuff together to leave." He informs me. "Apparently Guns has some solo shows at some clubs nearby so they're staying behind and we'll back up with them tomorrow night." He informs me and I nod, smiling softly, before he lets out a small breath. "I know you're hurt, and you've got every right to be, but would it not make more sense to file for divorce before you move on, as opposed to moving on before you even really know if you're gonna leave or not?" He asks next, under his breath so Nikki has no way of hearing it. 

"Ask your married girlfriend that before you come at me with it, Mick, alright?" I ask him neutrally, shutting the door in his face before stepping back to the bed, hesitant to wake Nikki up but doing it anyway so we won't be late. 

I wasn't shocked when Mick let on that he knew about Duff and I because, like with me and Nikki, he just knew when something was up.

Looking back, Mick had a point, but at that time he was the last person I wanted to hear it from, because Emi wasn't estranged from her husband, or even on bad terms with him. She was just cheating for whatever reason while her husband stayed in the blissful dark. Mick was "the other woman" therefore he had no place to speak to me about my relationship with Duff.

"Nikki, get up, we gotta get packed." I gently shake him and he groans out. 

"Baby, let me sleep." He mumbles, eyes squeezed closed, face scrunching slightly for a second. 

"We gotta be in L.A. in seven hours, c'mon." I nudge at him again, and his red eyes open, disgruntled, taking a moment before sitting up.

"I did it again last night?" He asks me, rubbing the crust from his eyes as I slip my slippers on. 

"Yep."

"Are they pissed?" 

"They're worried." I inform him. "I'm worried, too." I add, stepping to the door. 

"I'm fine." He says after me.

"Glad to hear it." I open the door, taking a moment to add, "and I'm not 'baby' to you anymore," before leaving. 

I get to my room and get my things packed, being interrupted by a knock at the door. 

When I get it open, Duff is on the other side, wearing nothing but his underwear. 

"I think I left my necklace in here." He tells me and I step aside, watching him grab it from the bedside table before he turns to me and says, "so, you guys are leaving tonight?" He asks me.

"Yeah." I nod. "Gotta go watch Vince walk down the aisle." 

He chuckles and I do, too, realizing how ironic the reality of it is. 

"...Is, um...Nikki okay?" He cautiously questions.

"Yeah." I nod. "I'm sorry I didn't go back to your room last night, I just thought it'd be best if he eased off before I went to bed and then I accidentally fell asleep before I could leave so…" 

"No, no, Viv, it's fine. You still care about him, even though he's shitty sometimes he's still the guy you've been with for the past six years. I'm not upset that you're making sure he's okay." He nods reassuringly. 

Before I can say "okay", there's another knock at my door, and I step to it and open it, Tommy and Vince waiting for me. 

"Ya ready?" Tommy asks, him and Vince both wearing sunglasses. 

"Yeah." I reply, going to zip my suitcase, Tommy following in after me to grab it, taking a double take when he notices Duff. 

"Hey, man."

"Hey." Duff replies, rubbing the back of his neck, before looking to Vince. "Vinnie, you ready to walk down that aisle?" He asks him with a smile.

"Yeah, just so Sharise will stop bitching about wedding details." He responds with a groan in his tone and Duff chuckles. "But her and Skylar are coming back with me for a honeymoon so just be on your best behavior--not that you aren't most times." He adds. 

"Nah, I'll give Slash and Stevie the heads up, though." He assures him. 

"Thanks, dude." Vince says back.

"Alright, see you when we get back." Tommy says, patting at Duff's shoulder. 

"See ya." Duff says to them as they head out. 

"I gotta pee and I'll be down." I lie.

Vince looks at me, oddly, with a small bit of hesitance before he shuts the door and I rub my lips and look at Duff, fumbling with my fingers. 

"You're not breaking up with me already, are you?" He repeats what I asked him before and I smile and shake my head.

"No, no." I grab his hand and tug him closer to me and he kisses my hair, wrapping his arms around me, tightly, and I rest my cheek against his skin. 

"Just have a safe flight, try not to kill anyone." He tells me and I nod.

"I love you." I tell him, looking up at him. 

"I love you, too." He leans down and kisses me, pulling away too soon. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

"See you tomorrow night." I agree, taking a mental picture of his soft grin.

The next day was spent scrambling to keep everyone together--especially Nikki--because Sharise deserved one day to be with Vince without a fight...little did I know the only fight that would occur would be between Vince and I, and not him and Nikki, like I feared.

"Okay," I straighten her veil, examining her dress one last time as she hands me my bouquet, "you look beautiful, Sharise." I assure her and she continues nitpicking possible flaws in the mirror. 

"I know we're already married so this is just a vow renewal or whatever but I'm nervous." She admits to me, fanning at herself a little. 

"There's no reason to be." I tell her. 

"Where's Sky?" 

"With your parents." 

"Where's Tansy?" 

"Getting her dress on." 

"Where's Nikki?"

"In the bathroom." 

"In the bathroom or shooting up?" 

"In the bathroom. Tommy's on smack watch." 

"Okay." She lets out a breath, trying to calm down. "Vince...is he--"

"He's ready to walk when you are." As I say this, the door opens and Nikki and Tansy come in.

"Sharise, the wedding party's waiting for you." Tansy tells her a little shakily. 

I think she's beginning to withdrawal. 

"Alright. Okay." Sharise inhales and exhales. 

"You got this." I promise her. 

"You're right." She nods and I help her with her dress as she heads to the door. 

Nikki, Tommy, Mick, and a couple other guys I've never met that are good friends of Sharise and Vince are wearing their tuxes with a hot pink sash, to match the bridesmaids knee length, hot pink dresses with black tull underlying the skirt. 

We file into line, Nikki and getting in front of Sharise since she's appointed me with Matron of honor. 

"You showered." I mumble to Nikki, impressed. 

"Tommy threatened to spray me off with a water hose. I didn't feel like being cold." He mumbles and I scoff as the music starts, the doors opening to lead outside, where we have to walk down stone stairs to meet in a spacious courtyard. 

"I'm getting war flashbacks." He says next once it's our turn to start walking. 

"From our wedding, yeah, me freaking too." I reply in a hiss. 

"I was gonna say from Tommy's wedding but sure." He scoffs bitterly. 

"Just don't leave this one every fifteen minutes to slip into the bathroom and shoot up." I ignore his comment, the arm that my hand is looped through tenses up and I can feel him glaring at me through his sunglasses. 

"Don't be a fucking bitch." He tells me as we step down the stairs and approach the guests, seeing Vince and the other groomsmen and bridesmaids waiting for us. 

"Little late for that." I point out. 

"And our wedding wasn't even that bad, Viv." He randomly cuts back to our initial back and forth and I fake a smile for the crowd, speaking through my teeth to reply, "Wish I could say the same for the months to follow it." 

We separate at the alter, and I push my feelings aside when I look to see Sharise stepping down the stairs, looking stunning as ever. 

When she gets down here, I'm straightening the back of her dress as she takes Vince's hands. 

The ceremony doesn't take very long, and once the reception comes and all the pictures are done with being taken, I'm ready to get out of this dress--but it's not ready for me to get out of it.

I grind my teeth, dreading asking this bastard for help, but I know he's got his knife and the zipper of my dress is stuck. 

"Nikki," I tap at his shoulder as he downs another glass of wine. 

"What?" He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Can you help me get out of this dress?" I ask him and he suddenly bursts into laughter. 

"I'd rather fuck a pot of boiling hot oil than fuck you." He tells me. 

"No, asshole, I mean literally help me get this off because the zipper is stuck." I explain. 

"Oh." He says, turning me to look at it. "Yeah, I guess." He stands up and I head to the bathroom as he pulls his pocket knife from his pocket.

Once we get to the bathroom, I'm pulling my arms from the sleeves the best I can before I look at him. 

"Just go to sawing away here." I point to the seam that's three-fourths zipped. 

He starts cutting at it, and it soon gets looser and looser to the point there should be plenty of room to finish pushing it down my hips...and I would if his hands weren't steadily holding at my bare sides, his eyes on my back as I look at him in the mirror and wait for him to snap back into reality. 

He never does, and I'm forced to clear my throat to whisk the tension away. 

"Um, I got it from here." I tell him, hinting that his hands on my skin aren't needed.

He just looks at me in the mirror and holds at them tighter, making me go to hit at the tops of his hands, only I realize this is one of the few moments he probably finds peace in because he can pretend, even for a second, that everything isn't screwed sideways. 

I just rest my palms over his hands, making eye contact with him in the mirror, looking us over, and I smile sadly, realizing we won't ever be those people again. 

After his moment is finished, he's gently patting my sides before taking a step back and putting his knife back into his pocket. 

"Thanks, again." I say to him before he goes. "No problem." He mumbles, stepping out. 

I rush back to the bridal suite to avoid being seen half naked, to change into a more comfortable dress.

As soon as I shut the door, I turn around and see Vince nursing a beer, and I jump. 

"Jesus, Vince!" I snap at him, taking a deep breath and he rolls his eyes for a second. "What the hell are you doing here?" I ask him, peeling the dress down my legs, not caring that he's getting an eyeful of me in nothing but skimpy panties since he's seen me completely naked in the pictures of me that Nikki's shown off to him. 

"Hiding from my in laws." He replies, taking another sip of beer. 

"You're not supposed to be drinking." I remind him.

"Who's gonna tell them?" He asks me, raising his brows. 

"Doesn't matter if the state doesn't know--God knows. That's who you'll have to answer to in the end." 

"Oh-Oh, my fuck." He chuckles out, his tongue swiping the inside of his bottom lip. 

"What? You think standing before God and being confronted with the fact you're still drinking after killing your friend in a drunk driving accident is funny?" I hiss at him.

 "I think the bible warns against becoming a drunkard but doesn't it also say, "you must not commit adultery'?" 

My heart pounds in my chest, my eyes wide, and he stands up from his spot on the fluffy parlor chair. 

"So you can give me shit about killing Razzle and still drinking, but every time the sweat on Duff's back dries after he's done fucking you, it's just another nail being hammered into Nikki's coffin, once he finds out." He says, pointing at me with the hand holding at his bottle. "And that blood's gonna be on your hands." He adds. "Not mine." 

[mochikeiji]

Rest Your Heart

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: TimeSkip AU! Over thinking, anxiety, angst to fluff

↬ Word Count: 2,052

Summary: Everyone has that one person who will always look after them and their well being. Bokuto has had enough of Akaashi torturing himself from all the papers and projects given to him. He didn't like knowing the fact that he was always drowning into an ocean of hardship and darkness, so he steps up his game into letting Akaashi take a break.

⇢ Day 5: Touch (cuddling, hand holding, huddling for warmth), Bed-sharing! @bokuakaweek2020

✎﹏

Working is tiring for everyone. It's even more exhausting to use your brain into thinking with good ideas. What's worse is that sometimes, people tend to force to milk out every bit of their brain juice in order to master and reach their own satisfaction in their work.

Akaashi was not a stranger to that description.

When you work as an editorist, like he is, it's automatically embedded in you that what you must submit it worthy to be read. Like a every writer, the common thing they had was content. Will it be good? Will it be read? Thousands, even millions of thoughts would swarm a single person for that matter. There mustn't be one speck of mistake in your work. Everything must be already there, written, revised and correctly formulated.

Dealing with this especially when you were assigned to take care of a big project from your seniors was a huge amount of pressure for Akaashi. He couldn't say he hated his job nor loved it. But he can tell that he wasn't happy knowing he wasn't taking care of his health anymore.

"Akaashi~ you're taking too long."

Luckily Bokuto was there.

"10 more minutes, Bokuto. I'll be done." he replies without taking his eyes nor hands off of his laptop. Still hunched over his desk, eyes squinting on each word he's typed in so far checking to see if there were grammatical errors or spelling errors that needed to be changed.

"You've said the same thing 6 times way back now, look," raising his foot, Bokuto points it out on their wall clock above his desk, "It's already 7:30 pm. You haven't even touched your onigiri!" Akaashi takes a small glance to his left side. The onigiri's were left cold and untouched for the past hour since Bokuto had bought home, "Seriously, you need to stop over working your self. One of these days you're bound to collapse.." He mutters the last past, not wanting to imagine his beloved Akaashi fall without him around to pick him up.

He hears a frustrated sigh coming from him. When your partner is stressed and you were just trying to help, it usually ends with the stressed one blowing up on the other one. Atleast, that's how other couples work.

"I'm sorry." not for both of them though, neither one would dare to hurt the other one. For one reason, Akaashi was just not the type of person you'd want to yell at, look at him, he's just a quiet, little man trying to pass by. Next is Bokuto, you can never yell at someone who looks like a child filled with innocence, and besides, he was right at this point for scolding him.

"The deadline is in 2 days time..I'm just terrified that if I don't submit something properly written, they'd stop giving me these opportunities." looking over his right side where a stack of papers were unorganized.

"So? Atleast you won't have to over work yourself. It doesn't matter anymore if you can't be happy and healthy." sitting up with crossed legs on the bed, Bokuto observes Akaashi from there, ready to attend to any needs and necessity.

"I'll be marked with a lower rank and get paid little..."

Bokuto knew how much Akaashi wanted to help him pay for their rent and other taxes ever since they've agreed to live with each other. Even though Bokuto had a lot of money in his pocket to aid them both, Akaashi simply doesn't want to be dependent on his lover and let him do all the hard work.

That's why he loved Akaashi so much. Even up until now he was still giving his all to him like in highschool.

His 120 percent in things.

Akaashi leans back on his chair, closing his eyes for a brief moment to gather all his thoughts to think properly. That gave Bokuto a chance to get up from their shared bed quietly as he walks up to him from behind. He wraps his strong arms around his neck from behind, placing a soft kiss on his forehead as he strokes away the frustrated tears now streaming on his cheeks.

"If it ever went down to that, I'll talk to your boss," moving his hand on both of his shoulder blades, he held the male down by pressing on the tight knots that had formed way back, "No objections, Keiji. You've been working hard, if they treat you like shit I'm complaining. There's no fairness." it was endearing to hear that coming from him. He had grown up to be a mature man than he was before. If Akaashi wasn't so frustrated he would've been crying from so much love coming from Bokuto.

He raises both of his hands, cupping Bokuto's smaller ones on his chest, "You're too nice to me." smiling sadly as he let's all pent frustration out with his tears, "I can never know what'll be enough for me to give you."

That was another thing that Bokuto was saddened about. The fact that Akaashi was an over thinker he'd often degrade himself to the lowest of all. To Akaashi himself, he was nothing more than a bother. A hindrance. But to Bokuto, how he wishes he could tell him he was more than enough and that he has given him too much even before.

"You're already good enough," tapping his chin with his fingers, he pushes his head a little, making his eyes flutter open, "I mean it, Keiji."

There was a short pause of silence. Neither one daring to move as they clung onto each other's love language and affection. Pretty soon, Bokuto found this opportunity as a good sign to lead him back to bed for a break. Removing his arms away from the seated male, much to his dismay, he grabs on the plate of onigiri's and walks to their shared bed, placing it on top.

"Come on, I'll eat with you."

Akaashi watches as Bokuto sits back down on their bed with his legs wide enough. Enough for him to fit and sit in between them, and pats the free space.

"But I have to fini—"

"Your dinner, yes, you're gonna finish your dinner. Now sit here!"

He can never say no when it comes to Bokuto whining. With a sigh, using his sleeves, he wipes away all the excess tears. Not bothering to take his glasses off, and stand up from his chair.

"I'm going to get im trouble after this." nesting himself in between Bokuto's legs and leaning his back on his chest. Bokuto hands him an onigiri along with his and watches Akaashi take his first, but small bite. He didn't have the mood to eat from his constant thinking which makes the owl haired male frown deeply.

"No, you're not. Have a little faith. I know you," taking a huge chunk of the onigiri in his mouth, "You always manage to make things work, that's what I love about you." Akaashi didn't like messy people, but he couldn't make any comment on how silly Bokuto looks and sounds with his mouth stuffed.

"Please don't chew your food while talking, Bokuto."

"And please don't be sad in front of the onigiri's, Kei. They have feelings too."

Hearty laughter filled the room coming from Akaashi. Bokuto savored every moment of it. His happiness was his happiness as well.

Watching Akaashi finally take bigger bites and chowing down like a starved man, hr let's him have all the onigiri's to himself, using an excuse that he was already full. He can see the way his eyes sparkled shyly as he took all the rice filled meals into his stomach.

"Hmm, you're getting kinda chubby there, Keiji," pushing his pointer finger on his cheek, he watches it squish adorably from his touch, "Not that I'm complaining. You look hot and cute." grinning when he saw his lips pout a little with his cheeks growing red, he couldn't help but pinch them.

"Bokuto please, I'm trying tk eat."

"I wasn't suggesting anything!"

Disposing the plate to their night stand, Akaashi wipes the side of his mouth with his sleeve, Bokuto hugging his stomach with his hands rubbing them.

"You're so soft, Keiji." he hums, squishing the baby fat from the smaller male.

"I need to get to work." he was feeling embarrassed. Had he really gained weight that much? Akaashi was taking a note in his mind that he was going to join Bokuto in jogging next time.

"But its late. And you need to rest." nuzzling his head on his shoulder. He really didn't want to see another one of those nights Akaashi would be sitting, hunched on his desk until sunrise.

Stroking his stomach to his chest, Bokuto whines a little when Akaashi tries half heatedly to break from his hold, "And I wanna cuddle you to sleep. It gets lonely when you always leave and work yourself to the bone."

There were times Akaashi would slip from his hold around 3 am to get back to work. During those times Bokuto would pretend to be asleep and wait for his return. And he got pretty upset he's reached until the birds started chirping. The bed was cold without him.

Akaashi feels the guilt rising from him as he remembers all those times he's left the older male. Thinking of what was more important, he forces the arms around his stomach down and turns his body to face him. Bokuto already had a sad expression on his face knowing he was still going to over work himself. It was already part kf his nature.

Until Akaashi wraps his arms around his neck and pushes him down to bed with him placed on top of Bokuto.

"I thought you were going back to work?" nonetheless, Bokuto wraps his arms tighter around Akaashi. He flinches when he feels him started to shake and his neck getting wet.

He was crying again.

Petting his head, Bokuto reaches out for his glasses, removing them and placing it gently on their night stand near the plate. He pushes his head deeper on his neck side, allowing him to cry as he whispers sweet words next to his ear.

"I promise, Keiji. You're already fine as you are. Please, let me take care of you."

He hears a choked sob escape from his lips, "You don't have to keep doing this if it doesn't make you happy. If you're doing this for me then I'm not hapoy if you're not." sniffling from his words, Akaashi listens to him, finding his body warm and home like feeling. His words soothing like a sweet lullaby.

"I don't care about anything, Keiji. I'm hapoy because I have you. But I'm more happier to see you happy and well."

Turning his head, golden eyes meeting teary gun metal ones, Bokuto swipes away the tears again with his thumb and places a small smooch on the tip of his nose.

"You're already enough for me and others. So please," pressing his forehead against his, they both closed their eyes, feeling their breaths close and their bodies warm with fluttering feelings, "Take a break for me."

Akaashi knows to himself sooner or later he'll crumble again like today. He knows to himself that he couldn't help but let his thoughts overcome his sight on things. But that didn't matter right now.

He was in his arms, and that's all he could think of with his presence.

"I love you so much." whimpering softly as he buries his face against his neck again. He felt so safe and secure woth Bokuto around. Loved. That everything around him got a little better. Brighter. It made him nuzzle even more into him and his small arms squeezing him.

Bokuto counters back the same squeeze of affection and kisses the side of his ear. His breathing soon slowing down and into a calm one before he hears soft snores from Akaashi.

"I love you too, Keiji. Sleep tight."

That day Bokuto doesn't sleep until 3 am. He has spent his night watching over him. Occasionally stroking his hair or back whenever he moves from his position.

He wasn't going to let anything ruin Akaashi and his peace for the day.

[spaceskam]

I don't know if you've ever listened to When you're ready by Shawn Mendes but everytime I listen to it I can only think of Malex ♥️ "Even 10 years from now if you haven't found somebody, i promise i'll be around" "Baby, tell me when you're ready I'm waitin'" could you maybe write about it?

this is quite literally the most malex thing i have ever heard. every goddamn line of this song is malex related. Thank you so much for the prompt and I’m sorry it took me a million years!

ao3

“I don’t understand why you’re mad at me!” 

Alex stopped in his tracks, slowly turning to face him. He looked genuinely hurt and confused and maybe one drink more, Alex would’ve stooped to his level of transparency.

“Are you serious? You don’t know?”

“No,” Michael gushed, tears welling up in his eyes as he raked his fingers through his hair. God, he was wasted. “All I know is you told me you only wanted to be my friend and nothing more. Then you lied to me so I didn’t get to be with my mom. Then you came to me and, and started doing the thing where you’re super sweet so you can fuck me and leave me. And I would’ve let you!” 

Alex clenched his jaw, taking each blow as best he could.

“Isobel helped me see I needed to protect myself. So I went to Maria before I could give into you! The one time I protect myself from you and you’re mad at me! Stop it! I can barely take seeing you, I can’t take this! Stop!” he screamed.

Alex licked his lips, taking a slow and regulated breath as he stared at the broken man in front of him. He was full-on crying at this point, pulling at his hair and Alex was so thankful for his military training. That was the only thing keeping him on his feet.

“Michael,” Alex said softly, taking a step forward. Maybe he was hallucinating, but Michael seemed to stare crying even harder. “Is that really what you feel happened?”

Michael didn’t answer right away, a million emotions washing over his face. Alex took another step forward. This was one of those stupid moments where he had to be the strong one. He hoped he’d be able to cash it all in one day when he inevitably broke.

“What are you mad at me?” Michael asked again, weaker this time. It didn’t take a genius to deduce that he knew why. He wanted to hear it. He was scared and he needed to hear it.

Alex rested his palms on Michael’s warm, wet cheeks and the man instantly melted into the touch. He wiped his tears away, lifting his hand just long enough to push his hair back. The stench of alcohol and acetone and weed was suffocating, coming off him in droves. Alex had to wonder if they were letting him get this fucked up or if he was sneaking it. He didn’t know which was worse.

“Come talk to me when you’re sober, okay?” Alex whispered, continuing to wipe away his tears, “I am upset with you, but that doesn’t mean I’m walking away. I’m here when you need me no matter what.” Michael sloppily felt for Alex’s wrists before holding on tight.

“You just were. You just tried to leave me, I saw you,” Michael whimpered. Alex sighed, closing his eyes to try and build up his walls a bit better. It was difficult. Michael had gone from kissing Maria to being putty in Alex’s hands in less than an hour. Sure, everything in his system played a part, but, deep down, he knew that wasn’t the reason. Michael was lost and hurting and Alex could wade in the water for him.

It’d already been a decade‒what was a little more?

“Come see me when you’re sober,” Alex repeated, “We’ll talk about anything and everything.”

“Then you’ll stop being mad at me?” he asked. Alex couldn’t answer. He honestly had no idea when he would stop feeling so horrible. He didn’t know what would erase the image of them kissing from his mind.

“I’ll get you are Lyft to take you home, okay? You’re too drunk to drive,” he whispered. When he tried to pull away, Michael held him tight.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he pleaded. A mournful whine brew in the back of Alex’s throat at the desperation on Michael’s face. He so badly wanted to say yes, to bring him home and wrap him up and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. But that wasn’t an option, not tonight. Not when Michael had a girlfriend and would regret the choice in the morning.

“Not tonight,” Alex insisted. Michael’s bloodshot eyes scanned over his face, slowly welling up with tears all over again.

“I messed up bad, didn’t I? That’s why you’re mad?” he asked. God, this was torture.

“Michael, just… we’ll talk about it over later. I promise,” Alex said, fishing for his phone to get him a ride home. As much as he wanted to just take him himself, he didn’t actually trust himself not to stay if Michael asked again.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I messed up. I’m sorry.” Michael’s words were a slurring, slobbery mess between sobs. Alex quickly pulled him into a tight hug, letting the man divulge into borderline hysterical sobbing. Honestly, Alex wasn’t sure what he thought he messed up. He’d already made it clear he hadn’t understood.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Alex said, shushing him like he would a fussy baby.

“No! It’s not! Stop hugging me, stop, like, like, consoling me! I messed up!” Michael made no move to pull away, even as he told Alex to stop, and for a moment it felt like a horrible guilt trip.

“Michael, st‒”

“No, listen,” Michael said, sniffling as he pulled away just enough to rest his forehead on Alex’s, “I-I’m gonna come, like you said. I wanna talk. I want… I’m sorry. Please, let me fix it.” And, god, how nice it would’ve been if Alex could’ve accepted that. But it was impossible to miss the way his eyes refused to focus and the way he had to steady himself while standing still. Michael was so fucked up, he probably wouldn’t even remember this in the morning.

“Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?” Alex couldn’t help it. All he was hearing was empty apologies.

“No,” Michael admitted, “But I know I hurt you and that hurts me more than anything. I spent ten years waiting for you to come back to me and letting you hurt me that I… I didn’t realize how bad it feels. I know you felt this bad. I know it. I see it. I feel it. I feel you.”

“Guerin…”

“No! Pinky swear we’ll talk,” Michael urged, holding up a pinky. Alex sighed and tried to avoid it, but Michael insisted. He looped his pinky through the other man’s, watching it bring a weird sort of calm over him. “Now we gotta kiss it to make it official.” Michael kissed his hand and Alex reluctantly mimicked him if only to get him to stop. “Good. Good.”

Michael was petting at his chest, wobbling and sniffling all the way. The severity of his behavior made Alex consider bringing him home anyways and having him sleep on the couch so he could check on him. The only issue with that would be dealing with the possible backlash from it that he really didn’t want. But this was Michael, this was family, and he needed help. Even if Michael was hurting him more than he could even comprehend, he was still going to be there.

No matter what anyone thought, Alex had never been good at leaving him.

“C’mon, you’re gonna sleep on my couch tonight, okay?”

Michael let out the world’s biggest sigh of relief.

-

Alex woke up to an empty house.

His leg was aching due to his stupid decision to sleep in the chair in the living room. He’d considered going to bed, but he couldn’t stop worrying that something would happen to Michael. He had too much shit in his system. While they didn’t know how much it took for an alien to overdose, he wasn’t eager to find out.

Yet, when he woke up the next morning, his couch was empty and so was the kitchen and the bathroom. The only proof that Michael had even stepped foot into the house and spent the night on the couch was the muddy bootprint plastered to the porch and the note on the coffee table that read: ‘thanks’.

As the day went on, Alex wondered if Michael would ever come back to talk. Or, honestly, why he hadn’t stayed to have a talk. Part of him hoped he simply forgot that they had that conversation and it wasn’t that he just didn’t want to. There was so much that he had to say, especially now that it was clear that Michael had misunderstood his intention and was now self-medicating dangerously. Alex wanted to help him if he’d let him.

The day dragged slowly, seeming to slow down even more whenever he bothered to check his phone or check to see if Michael had maybe driven up. Alex wouldn’t lie, it hurt a bit that he hadn’t stayed. Actually, it worried him more than it hurt. Why had he been so scared to stay?

A lot of things were worrying about him.

Once it was dark outside, Alex decided to go back to the Wild Pony. Anxiety bit at his stomach, telling him with certainty that he’d find Michael with Maria and they’d look happy like they had last night. However, Alex could suffer through seeing that when he knew that no one cared enough to address him being messed up beyond recognition. He’d seen them kiss, he knew that Maria had to taste it on his lips and smell it on his breath. If she wasn’t going to take care of him, then he would.

The Pony was bustling and still, Michael was right where Alex knew he’d be, sitting alone at the bar. His head was bowed against the beer bottle and he didn’t react whenever Maria would pass by and pat his head. Alex took a deep breath.

“Hey, Cowboy,” he greeted softly as he took a seat beside Michael. He was wearing the same thing he’d had on last night and smelled of the same substances. Tonight, he hadn’t even bothered hiding the flask of acetone that protruded out of his back pocket.

Michael turned to face him just a little bit, confusion written all over his tired features. Alex offered a small smile and asked the bartender that wasn’t Maria for two glasses of water. Michael never stopped staring.

“Why are you here?” Michael asked.

“I told you, I’m here when you need me,” Alex paused, giving him a once over, “Even when you don’t ask for me.”

Michael’s eyes pooled with tears, but they didn’t fall tonight. Instead, he blinked them away. He nodded.

“Drink this instead,” Alex insisted, pushing the glass of water towards him. Michael eyed it warily.

“You still mad at me?” Michael asked. Alex snorted.

“Yes. But, like I told you, I want to talk to you when you’re sober. So drink this,” Alex pressed. Michael took a deep breath but complied. It didn’t matter that Maria was watching them with jealous eyes or that a few other people in the bar were whispering about them. Michael was trying.

Alex smiled.

-

Alex jolted awake at the sound of his phone ringing.

He’d done his damnedest to always stay on high alert the past few weeks. Michael had been heavily relying on him, using him as a massive crutch to help him try and get sober. It was working for the most part, but there had been a few nights where he’d been left alone and he’d call Alex, drunk and apologetic and asking to be picked up from the Wild Pony. Alex didn’t blame Maria, he knew she was busy with all of her own issues, but it did rub him the wrong way that she wasn’t more forceful with keeping him away from the bar.

But she was his girlfriend, not his caretaker.

“You okay? It’s three in the morning, where are you?” Alex asked instantly, reaching for his prosthetic already.

“I’m fine, I’m at home. Just… need a distraction ‘s all,” Michael said softly on the other end of the line. Alex let go of his leg, taking a moment before he relaxed back in the bed.

“Okay,” Alex said, “How was your day?”

“Good, good. I worked with Liz for a while. Had lunch with Maria. Went to see Max in the pod,” he listed. Alex closed his eyes to the sound of his voice. It was almost embarrassing how stupid he could be for Michael Guerin, a man with a girlfriend.

“Sounds eventful. You guys any closer to figuring it out?” Alex asked. There was rustling on the other side of the phone as Michael most likely tried to get comfortable in his bed.

“Well, we were talking with Valenti and we think that we got him in the pod soon enough that we might be able to revive him with more human methods. Like, with steroids and a defibrillator to jump-start his system enough for him to get to where Iz and I could heal the rest of the way. Liz and I are working on enhancing a steroid to inject him with,” Michael explained, his tone more hopeful than he’d been in weeks. Months. Maybe years, honestly.

“That’s good, I hope it works. If you ever need my help with anything, I’m here. I know I’m not a super fantastic scientist, but I can do my best,” Alex offered. Michael let out a breathy little laugh.

“You’re so smart, Alex, there’s probably a ton of things you can help with. I’m just… I’m just glad you chose to help me. I really appreciate you and everything you do for me, Alex,” Michael said softly. Alex could feel his heart thump in his chest and his stomach tighten.

It was so weird how much he’d found himself loving Michael all over again. He didn’t think he could love the man more, but the closer they got without having sex as a distraction and with so much trust and communication, the more he found himself dizzy with infatuation. Even if Michael didn’t reciprocate it.

“What are friends for.”

-

“So, did you have fun on your date?”

Alex furrowed his brow at Michael’s dry tone and annoyed face even though he literally had his arm around his girlfriend.

“Uh, yeah, it wasn’t really a date,” Alex chuckled, grabbing one of the fries from Michael’s plate and dipping it into Maria’s milkshake. Maria rolled her eyes.

“It looked like a date,” Michael said firmly. Alex licked his lips as he thought back to his Grindr hookup from the night before. They’d met at the Wild Pony and played pool for a bit until they both decided they weren’t too sketchy and went back to Alex’s place where they had some pretty good sex before he left at 2 in the morning.

As much as he loved Michael and he was willing to wait, he wasn’t about to go celibate, especially when Micahel was in a relationship. There was just no point. Well, maybe there was no point in dating apps when he knew nothing would come close to what he felt with Michael. But, fuck, he deserved something while he waited.

“No, that was just one of Alex’s fuck toys, you just usually don’t see them because you’re with Liz,” Maria explained and the crease between Michael’s eyebrows got more prominent, “How was this one?”

“Good,” Alex answered, keeping it short. He knew he didn’t want to hear the details of Michael and Maria’s sex life, so he wasn’t about to put Michael through that torture.

But Maria was feeling extra pushy tonight.

“Oh, come on, tell me more than just that!” she laughed. Alex had been trying his damnedest to rekindle his friendship with Maria even though he still felt more than a little animosity towards her. He kept telling himself that it wasn’t her fault completely, she didn’t know the full story, she didn’t know what Michael was to him. On top of that, it didn’t feel fair to welcome Michael back with open arms and then just reject her friendship completely. No matter how much that little voice in his head told him the opposite.

So, to keep it at a happy medium, he pretty much only talked about his random hookups. It made for safe conversation. They didn’t have to talk about Michael, they didn’t have to discuss his past relationships. He just had to talk about the guy with the six-pack who did situps in the bathroom for twenty minutes before sex and tired himself out too much to even be good in bed. Alex just hadn’t anticipated that she’d be talking about it in front of Michael.

“I mean, there’s not much to tell. He was hot, we hooked up,” Alex said simply, trying not to look Michael’s way. Still, he saw the way his jaw clenched and he looked down, letting his arm fall from Maria’s shoulders.

“That doesn’t sound safe,” Michael said. Alex gave a small smile.

“I’m safe, don’t worry. It’s just something to pass the time, make sure I don’t work myself too hard,” Alex promised honesty. He nodded, but it was clear it bothered him.

Alex would be lying if he said that didn’t give him a little hope.

-

“Are you sure?”

“You need practice, don’t you?”

Alex responded to Michael’s slightly terrified face with the most comforting smile he could manage. He was on his couch, his shirt open, and a giant scratch on display. He’d stupidly been trying to get something out of a tree and misstepped which caused him to slide down the tree a little ways and give him a virtually superficial scratch across his abdomen. It burned a little when he tried to clean it, but that was it.

So he called Michael and asked if he wanted to test his healing abilities.

“But I don’t want to hurt you. What if I kill you instead? Max isn’t here to bring you back. I-I don’t wanna hurt you more,” Michael said, bouncing with nerves. His eyebrows were pulled together adorably in concern. Alex leaned forward with a smile.

“I trust you,” he said firmly, making sure to look Michael in the eyes. And he did trust him, trusted him more than he trusted anyone else in the world. Michael was his family and he meant everything. Especially in the last few months of getting closer and closer and closer.

“Okay,” Michael said after a moment, nodding his head. Alex leaned against his couch and Michael kneeled between his legs. He made sure to keep his breathing regular as Michael’s warm hand laid over his heart. “You ready?”

“Yes.”

And he waited a moment. And nothing happened.

“Okay, wait, I need to talk to you about something before I do this because, from what Liz says, after I put this handprint on you, you’re gonna like… feel what I feel, and I don’t want to have this conversation with you being influenced by my feelings,” Michael said, pulling back sitting on the coffee table. Alex sat up a little straighter. “You told me a couple of months ago to come to talk to you when I was sober. Well… I’m sober.”

Alex licked his lips and silently cursed Michael for not giving him a head’s up that he wanted to have this conversation today. He would’ve planned it out better.

“Uh, well, what do you wanna talk about? I mean… I know that you misunderstood everything that happened before you went and kissed Maria, but I don’t feel like I’m completely innocent in that. I know I’m not good with my words and I also know that you’ve been so fucked over so many times that you’re going to take everything as a rejection even if it isn’t. But I think the main this is that when I came to you in your airstream after Caufield… I wasn’t trying to fuck you and leave or giving mixed signals or acting out of pity. Seeing what my family was capable of and seeing what could’ve happened to you really put things in perspective. I didn’t want to waste time, I wanted to be with you. When I came to you, that was the real deal. I wanted a relationship for real and I was willing to put you above my fears because I realized being without you was scarier than anything my father could do to me. I just had shit timing, like always,” Alex admitted, his chest heavy and his face on fire. He was too terrified to look up at Michael’s face.

“But… But you said that you wanted to just be friends, that I was too much of a criminal for‒”

“Hey, no, I didn’t say that. Fuck anything that says I can’t be with you because we’re too different,” Alex said and he hoped Michael understood he meant more than just the Criminal/Airman situation, “And I never meant just friends. I wanted to get to know you, to start over without all the pain and have something based on trust and not just fear and lust. You know, kinda like we’ve done now.”

When Alex got the courage to look up at Michael, he found him staring at the floor in confusion. Alex considered reaching out to him but decided against it.

“But, at Caulfield, you…”

“I meant everything I said at Caulfield. Just a shit time to tell you I love you,” Alex said. Michael looked up at him with a face not too unlike that night months prior when he was desperate for Alex to stop being so mad at him. “Look, I am sorry. I know it didn’t help that I kept walking away and I should’ve made sure you understood what I meant. That’s my fault and I’m sorry for being so angry at you for making a decision to protect yourself from me. I know I didn’t give you enough reasons to feel like I was all in.”

Things were silent for a moment and Alex wondered if maybe he’d said too much. At the end of the day, Michael was still with Maria. Just because Michael was it for Alex didn’t mean that was reciprocated. Love confessions were a little heavy.

“I’m sorry too,” Michael said, clasping his hands together as he leaned forward on his knees. Alex gave him a small smile.

“Do you know what you’re apologizing for this time?” Alex said playfully, hoping to lighten the mood just a little bit. Michael rolled his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said, licking his lips as he took a deep breath, “I’m sorry for hurting you. Whenever I did that, I had just had so much shit happen and I just… I wanted something that didn’t hurt. And I’m sorry for having issues with you hooking up with people too, I know that it’s not my business.”

“It’s okay. I understand,” Alex said, offering a smile. But Michael took another heavy breath and looked him in the eye.

“But mostly I’m sorry I took advantage of you.”

Michael’s shoulders relaxed as if relieved to get that off his chest. However, something sat heavy in Alex’s stomach at the unexpected words.

“What do you mean?” Alex asked softly. Michael chewed on his bottom lip, casting his eyes down as he messed with his fingers.

“I mean… I’ve known you for, what, seventeen, eighteen years? I know you, Alex, I know you struggle with your words and conveying your emotions‒which isn’t your fault. Your dad didn’t allow you to and that’s fucked. Point is, I knew it. I knew it and I still used it against you, used it as an excuse to hurt you. Then, afterward, I basically guilted you into helping me. I made you put your own feelings to the side to take care of me and… fuck, I’m sorry, Alex. I promise, I’m gonna be better about taking care of you and your feelings. I promise,” Michael explained. Alex managed a little smile as his heart thudded harder in his chest.

He never blamed Michael for everything that happened, but damn was that good to hear. He wasn’t even completely sure why it felt so good. Maybe it was just nice to hear he wasn’t wrong in being hurt by the events.

“Thank you,” Alex replied sincerely. Michael gave him a sweet smile, nodding and gave Alex encouragement to say his own piece. “And, Michael, I just want you to know… I’m here.”

Michael smiled. “I know.”

“No, I mean… I’m here for you,” Alex said and Michael’s smiled started to drop, “I kept you waiting for a decade, so… It’s my turn to wait. And I’ll wait as long as I need to. I love you and I want to be with you and I’m willing to wait.” Michael gulped.

“Alex.”

“And I’m not trying to make you feel bad or force you to choose or anything. If Maria makes you happy, then I’m not going to stand in the way. You can take all the time you need, I’m not trying to push. I just know that you’re it for me and I also know this shit began with me never making that clear. So, just, whenever you’re ready, I’m waiting. Always, no matter what, no matter who you might see me with,” he explained. Michael tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, staring with worried eyes. But Alex wasn’t worried. He didn’t expect anything in return. He just needed him to know.

“No pressure?” Michael asked. Alex grinned and help up his hand, sticking out his pinky.

“None at all. I promise.” Michael managed a smile, looping his pinky with Alex’s and they each kissed their own fists.

“Then let’s get you healed.”

Michael moved closer, kneeling between Alex’s legs once again. He locked eyes for a moment, silently asking for permission which he received immediately in the form of an encouraging nod. Michael gently placed his hand over Alex’s heart again.

His palm started warming up slowly and, along with it, waves of comfort began coursing through Alex’s body. He let his eyes close as it did and, the more he let himself fall into the feeling, the stronger it got. It was Michael that he was feeling, Michael’s overwhelming affection and undiluted, unconditional love. It got stronger and stronger until that’s all Alex could feel or think just love

love

love

love

love

It was overwhelming and it was becoming harder and harder for Alex to keep his composure. It was deep, embedded in his bones. Especially when the feeling grew, blossoming into pure pleasure. His mind and body slowly unraveled, succumbing to whatever Michael was filling him with until he couldn’t think anymore.

And then Michael pressed harder and a determined scream filled the air.

Alex lost all sense of self-control at that point. His back arched into Michael’s touch, his jaw dropping open in a pathetic, deep moan. It was something akin to the world’s most satisfying orgasm. Which had to be when Michael snatched his hand away.

Alex felt dizzy at the sharp loss of contact, most of the pleasure in his system disappearing with it. He could still feel it deep in him and he could feel Michael in his mind in a way he struggled to understand. It was warm and comforting and loving and, had Michael wanted this to lead to sex, Alex would’ve had his jeans on the floor before he could finish his sentence.

But Michael didn’t want it to lead to sex, in fact, he couldn’t seem to breathe as he fell back against the coffee table. Alex did his best to clear his mind, to push away how turned on he was so he could focus on Michael.

“I’m sorry,” he said instantly because what else do you say when you get off on your ex-boyfriend platonically touching you. Michael still couldn’t catch his breath. Alex searched his mind for what he’d been told about healing. “Are you gonna throw up? Do you need me to get a bucket?”

Michael’s heavy breathing started to pick up and he was staring at Alex with wide eyes that almost seemed offended. That was a quick way to shove away all of the good vibes he’d just gotten and it became more apparent that Michael’s presence in his mind seemed to be just as panicked.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here, I’ve got you. Look, it worked,” Alex said softly, moving closer to the man on the floor. Alex hesitantly went to run a hand through Michael’s hair. His eyes closed to the feeling, so Alex kept it there, massaging his scalp and letting it soothe him just a little bit. It was clear he was just as overwhelmed as Alex had felt, just in a different way. “Talk to me.”

Michael froze for a moment before scrambling to his feet.

“I have to go. I’ll be back.”

And then he was gone, Alex’s door left wide open in his wake.

-

Alex didn’t hear from Michael for the rest of the night, but he didn’t let himself worry too much. If there was anything that came out of having Michael’s handprint on his skin was that he was more sure than ever that they were meant to be. Even if Michael was with Maria right now, Alex could feel the love Michael had for him and it was enough to have him strut into the Project Shepard bunker with a helpless grin on his face.

“Well, now everything makes sense.”

“What do you mean?”

Kyle was waiting for him in the bunker already, sitting in one of the chairs and raising an eyebrow high. Alex couldn’t even let his smile fall at that.

“Guerin broke up with Maria last night,” Kyle said. Alex’s heart started to beat a little harder.

“Really?”

“Jeez, Alex, you could at least try to not look so happy about it,” he chuckled. Alex shrugged and went to take his own seat. He wanted to feel bad for Maria since he knew she was probably upset, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Michael was going to be his and he wasn’t going to fuck it up this time.

Things were falling into place.

“So, what happened?” Kyle asked. Alex pulled his partially open shirt to the side, flashing him the handprint. Kyle’s eyes went wide.

“It was just a scratch, but he wanted to practice. And we had a good talk about us and when he healed me, we sort of just… felt each other. He sort of freaked out and left, but he said he’d be back so I guess I should’ve assumed he was going to Maria,” Alex said, shrugging. A stupid smile found his face again once he realized that Michael had taken those feelings so seriously.

“You’re not worried that he freaked out?” Kyle asked. Alex shrugged again. He didn’t really know how to explain it. He could still feel Michael and, even though it was a lot, it was overall positive. He seemed to be feeling good, if not just a little confused about the events. He understood that he just needed a moment.

“No. I… I can feel him. He’s okay,” Alex offered. Kyle rolled his eyes.

“Great. More psychic alien bullshit.”

-

Michael was pacing the front porch of the cabin whenever Alex got home that night.

Alex made sure to school the smile on his face before he approached him. He didn’t want to overwhelm him anymore or show that he was too excited about what might happen. Michael might not even want to jump into a relationship even if he did just get perfect evidence for just how much Alex loved him. He couldn’t get his hopes up too high.

“Hey,” Alex called to him. Michael stood taller and spun to face him, eyes wide and nerves rippling off his body.

“Hi,” he said, “Can we talk?”

“Of course,” Alex agreed, opening the door and leaving it open for Michael to follow. They didn’t even reach the couch before Michael started talking.

“Yesterday, you… That was a lot,” Michael breathed. Alex smiled and nodded his head, sitting on the couch. Michael sat on the coffee table in front of him just like the day before. “You actually love me.” Alex sputtered a laugh.

“I told you beforehand that I love you.”

“I didn’t realize how serious you were!”

Alex shook his head at Michael and the two of them smiled. Michael’s knee was bouncing and he was moving in between smiling and biting on his lip. Alex fought the urge to bite it himself.

“I broke up with Maria.”

“I heard.”

“I love you too.”

“I know, I can feel it.”

They again fell silent, smiling wider than before. Alex was feeling even more hopeful than before. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on Michael, to call him his boyfriend and to love him as he deserved. And he couldn’t wait to be loved as he deserved.

“I care about your feelings, Alex. Whenever you want to have an epic emotional breakdown like I have, like, weekly, I’ll be there. I’m gonna be here to pick up the pieces just like you do for me. Because you’re my family,” Michael said and Alex wondered if he’d created a list of things to clarify before they finally got back together.

“Can’t wait,” Alex laughed, “You’re my family too.” Michael took a deep breath.

“And we’re gonna be for real this time. All trust and communication, right?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Are you ready?” Michael asked, “Because I’m ready. I can’t keep you waiting for a decade, I need you too much.”

If the world exploded and ended at that moment, Alex wouldn’t have noticed. He wouldn’t have cared. Nothing else mattered except for Michael and Alex and love.

“I’m ready.”

Michael surged forward without much of a warning, pressing Alex into the couch with a desperate kiss. Alex’s body lit on fire as he pulled him closer, melting into everything that was Michael Guerin. It wasn’t that much different than the night before, that absolute feeling of euphoria and love and affection and love and happiness and love and love and love.

It was the beginning of forever.

[teamdrake27]

Home "Open Heart" "Choices Fanfic".

Pairing: Ethan x MC.

Author's note: It's been a while since the last time I wrote a fanfiction. I hope I did okay. English is not my mother's language so forgive me if there's some mistakes. 😇💜

- Kate leans closer to him, so close that their lips are almost touching but then she suddenly stops, leaving only an inch between their lips. Ethan breathes in sharply. Every wall he built falling as he aches to taste those lips again.

"How long are you going to resist, Ethan?" He feels a burn inside his chest as he hears his name on her lips for the first time since Miami. He was burning with desire. 

"Come on...kiss me!" She said seductively. 

He was struggling, so much struggling. He wanted this and he knew that he doesn't have that much self control around her to stop himself. 

Just when he leaned to kiss her-

"You're drooling on the documents, Ethan!". 

"Huh?!" 

He jolts awake to find Harper standing infront of him, hands on her hips as she watched him sleep and drool over the documents. He wipes his lips with the back of his hand then rubs his tired eyes in exhaustion. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that you shouldn't work that long?! Look at you! You'll die alone on that chair of yours!". The mention of death reminds him of the condition of his only family, Naveen. He frowns. 

"Thank you for waking me up, Harper" He says putting on his sweater. Even though you interrupted such an amazing dream. 

"Seriously?! That's all you have to say?" She says clearly annoyed. 

"I'm not in the mood for your life facts and lectures, Harper. I'm happy with how I'm living. I'll see you tomorrow" He says as he walks past her outside the office. She sighs frustrated as she walks out of the office to allow him to lock it. 

"Keep telling yourself that, Ethan" She said before leaving him to lock the door. He knew that it was a lie, though he never shows his true feelings and emotions to anyone in this world except two people. Dr. Banerji and Kate. It's probably the hardest days of his entire life. He lost his friend a few weeks ago and now he is losing his only family, Naveen. Not to mention his strong feelings for the new intern that are torturing him day and night, even when he is sleeping. He can't rest at all. He hasn't felt that exhausted in his entire life. But despite all the exhaustion he decided to check on Dr. Banerji before he leaves. Not that exhaustion stopped him before.

Just when he reached the room. He realized that Naveen isn't alone. She was there covering him with the blanket. Tears falling down her cheeks as she stared at the old man lying on his death bed. 

He never saw her crying before. It pained his heart. He knew that she cared deeply for people even when she didn't know them for that long, but her crying was a whole new level. But then he remembered. This is the first time she may lose a patient. Though deep down he hoped not. I won't lose him! 

As soon as she realized someone's watching her, she wiped her tears quickly, swallowing the lump that formed in her throat before she walked out of the room, closing the door quietly behind her. 

"Are you okay?" He asked concerned. 

"Yeah, it's just...he is a really good man, he doesn't deserve this..." she broke down at the end of the sentence as tears rolled down her cheeks. 

"We'll find a way, Kate. Don't give up!" he couldn't help but wrap her in his arms. She needs this, he needs this. Seeing her reacting like that makes him feel weak. She was his rock since the beginning of this. She was the only one who let him believe that this isn't the end. That there's hope. But now he felt like the end is near. She clinched his shirt tightly as she rubbed her face in his chest. He tightens his arms around her as he smells her perfume aroma. This smell. He hadn't smelled it that close and deep since that night in Miami. It sent chills down his spine. He didn't want to ever let go...but he has to...

After a while, they pull away at the same time. He clears his throat adjusting his coat. 

"I know that there's still hope but I just couldn't help it when I saw him...now that I got to know him..." She said avoiding eye contact with him. She felt embarrassed, she doesn't like to cry infront of anyone. No matter what happens to her, she always waited till she was alone to let it all out. Crying always always made her feel like she is so vulnerable infront of people. But then Ethan isn't just any people. She always felt comfortable around him despite his sarcastic remarks. He seemed to understand her more than anyone. And she needed him. 

"It's quite alright, Rookie. We're all human and have our moments of weakness. It's pretty normal" And with that she no longer felt embarrassed. He understands her and knows what to say exactly. 

He felt really happy that she felt comfortable enough to let it all out infront of him. It means a lot to him considering the fact that she always smiles infront of people even when she is hurting from inside. He was good at reading people and that always came in handy for him. He gave her a tired smile before squeezing her shoulder gently. 

They made their way together to the exit as they walked side by side. 

"So...why did you stay that long? It's 2 am!" He asked concerned. 

"I could ask you the same question" She said side glancing at him.

"I was working and I fell asleep!" He admitted blushing slightly. 

"Oh! So you do sleep!" She said amused. 

He rolled his eyes "Yes, Rookie. I'm human not a machine". 

They exited the hospital.

She chuckled "I know, it's just...whenever I come to the hospital, I find you working. No matter what time it is".

"Yeah, I have been overworking myself for the last few months and you know why more than anyone..." He said the last sentence almost as a whisper. 

"I do. But 'you can't save people if you don't take care of yourself'" she said using his words against him. 

He chuckles "You're impossible, Rookie!" He said smiling to himself. No matter in which state he is, she always manages to make him smile and feel better. He never understood how she did it, though that was a part of who she is, and he loved every part of her. 

"I think it's better if I drive today" She said walking to the driver's seat of his car.

"And why is that? What makes you think I'll allow you to drive my car?" He said raising an eyebrow at her.

"You're tired that you may fall asleep while driving so yeah and I'm not asking by the way, Dr. Ramsey!" She said opening the door and getting in the car. 

He shook his head at her as a smirk made its way to his lips. 

"I'm tired, not drunk, Rookie!" He exclaimed but got in the passenger's seat anyway. He knew arguing with her is useless, she is so stubborn. Not to mention, he doesn't have enough power to protest.

He loves this bossy side of her. Everyone who came to Edenbrook always was afraid of him. But she seemed to see everyone for who they really are and he was glad that she did because if she didn't, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to know this amazing woman and spend time with her. She was never afraid of him. He felt like a normal human being around her, which made him feel really comfortable to open up to someone other than Naveen. It was unusual and refreshing. He smiled at the thought. 

The whole ride they sat in silence. Electrified silence that is. Them being alone in a small space always worked them up. Just like when they hid in the supply closet.

When she finally reached his home. Just two minutes walk away from hers, she turned to find him already asleep. He looked so peaceful. Vulnerable. Like a little baby. She got to stare at his face and recognize his features this close for the first time and it was like she is seeing him for the first time. He is so beautiful. She thought to herself. He looked so peaceful that it ached her knowing that she has to wake him up. She reached up and brushed the hair off his forehead gently. She wanted to touch his face so badly and she couldn't help herself as she stroked his cheek gently.

"Ethan?" She said softly. He hummed before he half opened his beautiful deep blue eyes tiredly.

"Wha- what happened?" He said jolted awake when he realized she saw him sleeping. At least I'm not drooling again. He thought to himself.

"You fell asleep" She said softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Perhaps you driving was a thoughtful idea" He said smirking slightly. 

She laughed causing the sides of his lips to quiver farther "You might be my boss in the hospital, Dr. Ramsey. But I'm your boss outside of it" she stopped smiling when she realized what she just said. 

"Damn right, you are..." he said in a whisper. They locked eyes and his eyes looked so intense. It was like it takes every single bit of his power not to reach out and touch her. 

She couldn't breath as her heart started beating fast.

"Ethan..." She said softly, leaning a little forward.

He knew in that moment if he allowed himself to give in to temptation, he will not be able to stop himself this time. So he had to hurt her. He clears his throat causing her to look down as her cheeks reddened in embarrassment.

He got out of the car and she followed suit. Their eyes met again as they stood infront of his door awkwardly. She would be mad at him if she didn't see how much he is struggling with pain through his eyes. He is hurting as much as she is.

She smiled sadly at him "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then".

She stepped closer to him, dangerously close that it made his heart beat so fast. Is his dream in the office is becoming reality?

She leaned forward slowly and pecked him softly on the cheek, causing his face to move slightly in her direction.

"Good night, Ethan..." She said softly before she started making her way down the street to her home. Though it didn't feel like she is going home, it felt like leaving it. 

[restless-n-relentless]

Chapter 3 of my Jackson/JB Fanfic is out. 😉

Jackson keeps one hand in Eva’s thick hair and continues to massage her scalp while he brings his other hand up to her angular, brown face that is still slightly stained with yesterday’s makeup. He traces her cheekbones then her big, pink lips with his fingertips while maintaining the kind of eye contact you only give to someone you are about to make sweet, nasty love to. “Ooh, he is about to thrax this ass!” Eva can’t help but to eagerly think.

As he traces her lips, Eva sticks her tongue out to lick the tip of his thumb then starts sucking on his pointer and middle fingers slowly with every intent to suck on another part of his body. Jackson’s eyes widen and his mouth opens slightly; he has never had anyone do this to him. Once Eva has sucked every finger on his hand, she looks up and notices the look on Jackson’s face is one of both shock and amazement.

“What?” She asks him, suddenly self conscious of what she just did to him.

Jackson blinks quickly at her and stumbles on his words. He doesn’t even get to properly formulate a complete sentence. Instead, he just ends up saying “Wow, uh...Uh-huh. Hmm...Yeah so uh.”

Eva laughs at his horrendous effort of putting that sentence together. “Do you like when I do that?”

Jackson usually reeks of confidence and sexiness, but Eva just threw him off guard and he doesn’t know how to answer her. So, instead of talking, he kisses her. It was the best kiss Eva has ever had and it leaves her speechless. She’s kissed a few frogs before and senses that Jackson isn’t another frog, instead, he is a prince.

The kiss is far more innocent than what they had just been doing and it surprises Eva that she could feel so much emotion from a kiss with a total stranger. Eva wonders if Jackson feels the same way or if he is just going to play her; after all, he can have whoever he wants and Eva believes he deserves better than her. Jackson kisses Eva like she’s not just anybody, though, and this makes her heart flutter with anticipation and desire. Nobody has ever kissed Eva like this before. Eva’s excitement begins to wane as the reality of the situation sets in. She’s kissing a stranger and thinking about if he has feelings for her. Why the hell would he have feelings for her?

Eva’s insecurities get the best of her so she pulls back from the kiss and puts some distance between her and Jackson. She really needs to get back home to wash up, get herself together, then meet up with Jael to tell her all that’s been going on in the past 24 hours. Jael is going to shit a brick when Eva finally spills the tea!

“Hey, um can you take me back home?” Eva asks Jackson while avoiding eye contact with him and checking the time on her phone. After seeing that it is still early in the morning, Eva gets a small sense of relief knowing that she will have all day to hang out with Jael and Camden and to get herself ready for the work week.

“I can take you wherever you wanna go, Eva” Jackson replies while reaching for her wrist and attempting to pull her back closer to him. Eva’s body stiffens up as she remembers that the wrist Jackson just grabbed is the same one both D and Ryan have grabbed before. She takes a couple of deep breaths and reminds herself that Jackson is neither D nor Ryan. Jackson notices her body stiffening up and loosens his grip on Eva because he knows what it’s like to have someone invade his personal space.

As Jackson continues to watch Eva and hold onto her as lightly as he can, he recalls the countless times he and his Got7 bandmates have gotten mobbed, grabbed, groped, kissed, and even stalked by sasaengs back in Seoul. There is one occurence in particular that pops into Jackson’s head in this moment…

It was a beautiful day with a clear, blue sky. May 15, 2017, a day Jackson Wang will never forget no matter how hard he tries. Although the weather was perfect for him to go with JB, Yugyeom, BamBam, Junior, Mark, and Youngjae, Jackson decides to stay home to practice for an audition on an American TV show and talk to his mom.

Jackson stands facing his floor length mirror and rehearsing the corny ass lines in the package his manager sneaked to him the previous evening. “But I love you, Maria. You’re the only one for me.” Jackson dramatically drops to his knees and punches the ground before beginning to fake sob. “Well, that was bad.” He says to himself out loud. He huffs a heavy sigh at his own bullshit dramatic acting and stands back up.

He straightens his spine and makes the most convincing “my-heart-is-broken-please-forgive-me-Maria” face at himself in the mirror as he tries to put himself in his character, Pierre’s, shoes. “But...I love you, Maria. You are the only one for me.” Jackson restates to himself in the mirror while emphasizing the words “love” and “only”. He totally kills the two lines and decides to give himself a break since he’s been going at this script for the past three and a half hours.

Jackson throws on his black Nike slides and a light cardigan so he can take a brief stroll outside around the neighborhood while he calls his mom. As Jackson gets to the front door, he realizes that JB has his house key, so he unlocks the back door and locks the front door of the flat right before he heads out.

As soon as Jackson steps outside, he hears his phone ringing with his mom’s custom ringtone and grins.

Mama, Mama you know I love you

Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama I just want you to know lovin' you is like food to my soul

“Hi, Mommy!” Jackson enthusiastically greets his mom. He’s been wanting to call her all day to tell her about the new script his manager gave him and how excited he is to be starting his acting career in America. “How are you? Have you eaten today?”

“Hi, Jackson! Mama is fine, just missing you. Yes, your dad and I went out for lunch not too long ago. Have you eaten? Are you taking care of yourself?” Jackson’s mom knows that Jackson is growing tired of his fast-paced lifestyle and that he often forgets to take care of himself. She wishes she could physically be there to help him, but these daily phone calls are the best she can do for now.

“Yes, Mommy I am taking care of myself and I did eat earlier. I have great news that I was just about to call and tell you about but you beat me to it. Remember that American show I told you I really like and want to be on?” Jackson hurriedly asks his mom.

“Of course, I remember that show. You made me binge watch it and tell you what I thought about every episode!” Jackson’s mom giggles a bit at Jackson’s excitement and love for the American soap-opera.

“Well my manager gave me a copy of the script so I can audition for the role of this new character named Pierre and I’ve been practicing for the audition all day!”

“Jackson, that is amazing! You make your family proud everyday. I know you will get the role, baby. How does everyone else feel about this? How will this work out with you being a member of Got7?” Mama Wang asks these questions but already knows the answer and is both thrilled and fearful for the outcome of Jackson taking on this role.

“Thank you, Mommy. They don’t know yet and I don’t want to tell them until I know if I have the role or not. I haven’t thought that far ahead but I know everything will work out.” Jackson runs his hand through his hair and pulls slightly at the ends as he starts to feel his anxiety level heighten. He knows that him getting this role will piss off his fans and band members and lead to broken relationships with them all.

“That’s something for you to think about. This could be a big move for you but will hurt others’ feelings, so be mindful of that. I love you very much and will talk to you later.”

“I love you too, Mommy.” Jackson ends the phone call and decides to continue his stroll through the neighborhood for a few more minutes. He wants to soak up as much sun as he can without anyone telling him to use an umbrella to keep his skin “pure” and white. Jackson has a natural brown to his skin and hates when his manager and stylists make him do things to lighten his natural color.

As Jackson continues his slow, peaceful stroll he starts to imagine what life is like in America. He has a fantasy of living an open life and being able to freely express himself without being judged the way he has been in South Korea. He loves South Korea and all his fans, but he yearns for America and all Her glory. He can become a famous, well-respected actor, dancer, and rapper; he can be any and every thing he wants to be. He can finally get tattoos, let his beard grow out, and get tanned without getting shit from everyone around him. Crazy how he is already in love with a country he has never lived in. Hopefully things will work out and America will be good to him.

As Jackson wraps up his fantasizing thoughts of America, he heads back to the band’s flat about a mile from where he currently is. He walks and hypes himself up to finish reading his copy of the script and reaches the flat in no time. He remembers the little door trick he did before leaving the apartment and walks through the passageway between the band’s building and the one adjacent to theirs so he can reach the back door.

Everything looks normal and the neighborhood they live in is known for having secure entrance and exit points, so Jackson feels perfectly fine leaving the back door open- after all, he left the apartment for less than an hour, so there is no way someone would sneak in and do anything crazy in such a short time. Jackson walks into the flat through the back door and slips off his Nike slides to avoid tracking any dirt or grass onto the carpeted floors. He stretches and yawns before making his way back to his bedroom to read his script in solitude.

While flipping through the script to find the line he left off on, Jackson gets goosebumps and an eery feeling washes over him. He starts to feel someone watching him and freezes where he stands, contemplating his next move. He slowly puts the script back down and reaches into his pocket for his cell phone to call for help. Before he can get his cell phone out, something-or someone- hits him in the back of his head with a hard object.

After being knocked out for some time, Jackson wakes up thinking that he had a weird dream. If only this were a dream…

Jackson tries to sit up in his bed but realizes that his wrists and ankles are bound to his bed! “Help! Please, somebody help me!” Jackson screams at the top of his lungs but knows nobody will hear him because nobody is home.

As Jackson’s breathing quickens and his heart starts to pump blood faster and faster, he starts to regret staying home instead of going out with his bandmates. He starts to look around the room for clues as to who the hell would put him in this situation. “I bet it’s BamBam and Mark doing a stupid prank on me.” He thinks this calming thought but it does nothing to minimize the fear that is building up inside of him. Out of nowhere a sweet, yet creepy, voice shuts up his thoughts and throws the whole prank idea out the window.

“Oppa! I love you so much and just HAD to have you for myself. Don’t make a sound, okay? Shhh” a short girl says to him in a precious voice that would have awed him if he had not been hit in the head and bound to his bed this way and if she did not have a creepy Lolita mask on.

“My name is Lola and now it’s time for fun!” Lola cutely giggles as she pulls out a pair of blood-red sharp scissors with twelve-inch blade on them and snaps them open and closed while covering the mouth on the Lolita mask and giggling behind her hand like a cute little Anime schoolgirl.

“Please don’t do this! You can take all my money, anything you want! Just please don’t hurt me.” Jackson pleads with the psychotic Lola to no end.

“Do what, Oppa? We’re just going to have fun. I promise you’ll like what I do to you.” Lola replies while she climbs on top of him to straddle his waist. Her tiny blue skirt with frills on the end rises to show her upper thigh, revealing a red tattoo that says “to rebel” in Chinese and Jackson wonders what made her want to get that specific tattoo. He closes his eyes for a few seconds as he feels Lola run her fingers through his hair… then sniffs his hair. She takes in a deep breath then slowly lets it out while moaning loudly.

“You smell better in real life than you do in my dreams.” Lola pulls away from Jackson’s hair then brings her face centimeters away from his as she lifts her mask above her mouth and begins to lick him. She licks his eyebrows, his eyelids, his high cheekbones, his nose, then finally his lower lip. In this moment, Jackson just closes his eyes and wishes, hopes, prays that this is all a creepy nightmare. If only he could pinch himself awake from this mess.

In two quick movements, Lola gets off of Jackson and hops off his bed. “Great, maybe that’s all she wanted.” Jackson tries to calm himself down with reassuring thoughts that Lola is just some crazy saesang that wanted to smell him and lick his face. Those hopeful thoughts went right out the window once he sees Lola pick up what looks like a burner phone, click a few buttons on it, then put the phone up to her ear.

“He’s right where we want him. Come now before anyone comes back home. Yeah, THE Jackson Wang is on the bed right now! Okay, bye.” Her voice is slightly muffled by her creepy Lolita mask, but Jackson could understand every word she says. Lola hangs up the phone then turns around to look at Jackson.

“Oppa, I have a friend who loves you just as much as I do and she’s coming over now!” Jackson’s eyes are still closed and he starts to think of the one person who can calm him down no matter what the situation is- his mom. He recalls the time when she and his father visited him in Korea during his time on Roommate and the feeling he got when he saw them both. The tearful reunion between him and his parents always makes him feel a thousand times better.

“Oppa, open your eyes!” Jackson hears the command from a new voice that must have entered the room while he was focusing on the memory of his beautiful mom and loving father. Jackson knows he has no choice but to open his eyes and deal with what is happening to him as best as he can, so he slowly opens his eyes to see the last thing he ever thought he would see.

Lola is standing next to a slim, slightly taller girl in a Momo mask- they are both holding the same blood-red pair of sharp scissors and wearing matching outfits. “What the fuck is going on?!” Jackson can’t help but freak out as he yells at them and attempts to free his hands and feet from his bed.

“Shhh. It’s okay! We’ll take good care of you. My name is Mona by the way.” Lola’s creepy friend says in the most deceptively soothing voice Jackson has ever heard. Mona’s attempt to calm him down just made him freak out even more, so he starts to look around for any kind of distraction or tool that could get him out of this predicament. Looking around just makes things worse as he notices that Mona brought a big, black duffle bag that is likely full of tools to fuck him up.

Lola notices Jackson eyeballing the duffle bag and decides it’s time for her and Mona to have some fun, so she plops the duffle bag onto the end of Jackson’s bed right by his feet. She pulls out a thick whip made of what looks like human teeth, a ball gag, a huge vibrator, a bottle of lube, and an old-school recorder and tripod.

Right before using every tool they pulled out of the duffle bag on Jackson and recording one of the most agonizing moments of his life, Lola walks to the head of Jackson’s bed to cut off a piece of his hair as a souvenir. She sniffs his hair one last time, then lifts her mask again to kiss him on the lips leaving his covered in the sweet, sticky substance of her lip gloss then whispers ever so sweetly to him “I love you, Oppa. Never forget me, okay.” Mona walks up to Jackson, takes one of his hoop earrings as her personal keepsake and says nothing at all before she strips him of his clothes and his manhood.

“...that movie that just came out. You wanna come with?” Eva asks Jackson as he snaps back to reality. He has no idea what she has been saying this whole time, so he just agrees and says “Yeah, sure. I’d love to.” Eva gives him a half smile and wonders where he went in those moments she was talking to him. She can tell something is weighing heavily on his mind and wants to dig deep to find out but decides to save the investigative questions for another time. For now, she just needs Jackson to take her home so she can do her morning routine and get hyped off of her Bad Bitch Anthem.

[mittensmorgul]

I'm shook. Dean actually admitted that Chuck doesn't care, that Chuck just left and ignored all of his responsibilities. I thought Dean was pro-Chuck, I mean, he called Chuck a bestie, didn't he? I'm not sure if he really resents Chuck or he was just too depressed to think straight. I'm still shook though. (Oh, and if you're feeling unwell I hope you recover. I wish you luck. May October be kind to you.)

Aahhh, thank you. :P And yeah, I’ve been sick since Walker-Stalker Philly a few weeks ago, stupid con crud that turned into bronchitis because I am a weakling with no immune system. :D

I’ve also been debating whether I should write tonight (fic, which I have a deadline of december 2 on and I’m not even close to finished on), or if I should write a long meta on Fathers, or if I should just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. But this bit about Chuck, and how Dean feels about Chuck as an absent father figure, would factor into that meta.

I mean Dean’s always held a grudge against God since… ever probably, but at least in text as far back as 5.02 when Cas set out in search of God to help stop the apocalypse. Chuck never really grew into anything Dean could really respect any more than that, you know? Even the burden Chuck laid on him at the end of s11 wasn’t what Dean wanted. Dean had his ENTIRE LIFE ruined because of Chuck’s inability to clean up his own mess, and then suddenly Dean fixes it FOR him, and Chuck just sashays off into the sunset with Amara and again lays the entire burden for taking care of EVERYTHING at Dean’s feet… but Dean’s still just a guy doing a job. He doesn’t have Cosmic God Powers to just fix stuff when it goes wrong. How the hell is he meant to take care of the entire world?

He does try, though. Oh, how he tries. Until it crushes and breaks him.

(and whoopsie this is actually shaping up to BE that meta on fathers I’ve been thinking about, so guess how I’m gonna spend the next hour! WHEEE! *tosses fic writing plans out the window*)

I’ll start with the easiest one: Dean referring to Chuck as his bestie. In 12.04:

Gail: Do you know God, gentlemen?Dean: Oh yeah. Yeah, we’re- we’re besties.

Said with about 9 tons of sarcasm. I’d find a gif to demonstrate just how done Dean was in that scene, but he was pretty much done with EVERYTHING in 12.04. I think that nicely sums up his attitude going into that conversation.

But yes, I 100% do feel like Dean resents Chuck– for laying this burden on him and not giving him ANYTHING else. He laid this out to Chuck’s face in 11.21:

Dean: Here’s the thing, um…Chuck… And I mean no disrespect. Um… I’m guessing you came back to help with the Darkness, and that’s great. That’s, you know – It’s fantastic. Um, but you’ve been gone a – a… long, long time. And there’s so much crap that has gone down on the Earth for thousands of years. I mean, plagues and wars, slaughters. And you were, I don’t know, writing books, going to fan conventions. Were you even aware, o-or did you just tune it out?Chuck: I was aware, Dean.Dean: But you did nothing. And, again, I-I’m not trying to piss you off. You know, I don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt.Chuck: I actually… didn’t do that.Dean: Okay. People – People pray to you. People build churches for you. They fight wars in your name, and you did nothing.Chuck: You’re frustrated. I get it. Believe me, I was hands-on – Real hands-on for, wow, ages. I was so sure if I kept stepping in, teaching, punishing, that these beautiful creatures that I created… would grow up. But it only stayed the same. And I saw that I needed to step away and let my baby find its way. Being overinvolved is no longer parenting. [Sighs] It’s enabling.Dean: But it didn’t get better.Chuck: Well, I’ve been mulling it over. And from where I sit, I think it has.Dean: Well, from where I sit, it feels like you left us and you’re trying to justify it.Chuck: I know you had a complicated upbringing, Dean, but don’t confuse me with your dad.

And that’s it, really. The crux of Dean’s feelings toward Chuck. And that never really changed. Dean still had to take the burden of sacrifice on HIMSELF (carrying the Soul Bomb to Amara) because Chuck didn’t or couldn’t or just wouldn’t. It wasn’t Chuck that saved the world there, it was Dean using his words with Amara, dragging Chuck kicking and screaming into the conversation.

Okay, not kicking and screaming, more like whimpering and huddling… whatever… :P

But Chuck told Dean not to confuse him with John, and mistake his own “complicated upbringing” for Chuck’s “parenting” of the entire universe. And yet… as above, so below. And Chuck himself “chose” Dean as his mirror.

Then we have Dean’s own complicated Father Issues, from how John raised him, to how he was forced to raise Sam. As he said in 12.22 to Mary, he was forced to not only be a father to Sam, but a mother as well. And it wasn’t fair to Dean, and he hated Mary for her deal that put him in that position in the first place. What was unsaid there, but plain as day anyway, was that he hated John for it, too.

Lizbob and I were talking earlier about how Jack was describing the fact that he WAS his mother for a while before he was born, and how the very act of his birth sucked the life out of Kelly, and how that was a horrifying metaphor for motherhood, but Dean has said it himself, of Sam. Back in 10.03, when Sam was curing him of being a demon:

DEAN: You notice I tried to get as far away from you as possible? Away from your whining, your complaining. I chose the King of Hell over you! Maybe I was just … tired of babysitting you. Or always having to yank your lame ass out of the fire since … [Dean laughs.] Forever. Or maybe … Maybe it was the fact that my mother would still be alive if it wasn’t for you. That your very existence sucked the life out of my life!SAM: This isn’t my brother talking.DEAN: You never had a brother! Just an excuse for not manning up. But guess what: I quit.SAM: No. No, you don’t. You don’t get to quit. We don’t get to quit in this family! This family is all we have ever had!DEAN: Well, then, we got nothin’.SAM: Would you say that to Dad?DEAN: Dad? Oh, there’s a prize. There’s a man who brainwashed us into wasting our lives fighting his losing battle!

Sam’s “very existence sucked the life” out of Dean’s life, just like Jack literally did to his mother, just TWO EPISODES AFTER Dean broke through to Mary with his confession about the horrors of his life, and his anger over having to be both mother and father to Sam.

And this was about the point I hit my EUREKA! moment over why the idea of Dean being forced to be a parent to Jack just pushed every NOPE NOPE NOPE button in my entire body. Because he’s JUST NOW finally letting go of feeling like his entire life had been one long forced obligation to be a parent to Sam, and now here’s this new pseudo-manbaby with frightening and potentially Dangerous Magical Abilities who needs parenting and looking after that was foisted on him against his will AGAIN.

I mean, it’s like the ultimate in Cosmically Un-Fucking-Fair.

And even the notion that Cas should be responsible for “parenting” the giant nougat-loving nuke in lost-and-found clothes just… sits so wrong with me for the exact same reason. How long has Cas been a guardian to Dean? How big was the whole “You aren’t our babysitter” theme last season? That Cas never really had time to internalize before Jack hijacked Cas’s “babysitter” instincts for his own purposes?

Yes, it’s sweet and I can see that the parallels between Jack and Cas are being written really well so far, but the cutesy Cas-as-Jack’s-Daddy stuff just physically sickens me (which is saying something considering how physically sick I am as a baseline here…). I don’t think it’s “cute.” And I’m saying this as someone who LOVES Jack as a character.

Kelly (who was literally already “dead” at the point she met Cas, and was technically– according to Jack himself– already “Jack” at that point) had sized up Cas and decided that he would make a good guardian for Jack, and that Dagon would make a bad guardian for him, and took matters into her own hands in order to make that happen. Literally took Cas’s hand without his permission, after he’d declined to touch her stomach, and then forced his hand again after literally hijacking Baby and driving Cas to the scene of her “vision.” Then literally taking Cas’s hand again to force events to unfold as they had in the vision, without regard to any of the other horrors that played out as a result– such as Joshua having been killed by Dagon, the Colt being destroyed, Sam and Dean being hurt, Cas nearly getting killed, and then zapping enough power through Cas to kill Dagon, a being of a type we’ve only ever seen harmed by the Colt and the Lance of Michael. It was clear early on that Jack had Serious Power and yet we see he has practically NO CONTROL over it.

I am soooo tempted to apply a little bit of Miriam’s description of Becky to Jack… 

He sees something he wants and just takes it without a thought for who it might hurt. He took candy from the vending machine in 13.01, but… he kinda did that to Cas, too. Even before he was born, he saw the sort of devotion Cas had to the people he cared about and even if he didn’t understand WHY, he understood through Kelly that this was something he would need for himself. So he took it, even if it might hurt other people.

Just like he flung his power out at the sheriff when she touched him while he was being assaulted by angel radio. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but he was already in pain and frightened and that’s just how his power works for him right now… as if it’s “him but not him.” Almost like it’s an independent entity that’s in Extreme Self-Protection Mode.

That’s how Miriam described Dean, as someone who takes things and breaks things no matter who it hurts. But really… that’s not Dean, and that’s not Jack either– or at least not what Jack would CHOOSE to be. But from the outside, it kinda looks that way.

So, yeah, I LOVE the idea that Sam is finally getting a turn at forced parenthood from the other side of the equation. It fits beautifully with his own arc toward self-forgiveness and acceptance of his own powers and feelings of whether or not he was inherently evil because of what had been done to him as a baby. I LOVE the idea that Sam will get to experience being a father and mother to someone going through much the same things he did all his life (albeit as an adult, which was not a luxury Dean had when he was forced into a parental role at the age of almost five).

But for Dean? I’m horrified that this has been forced on him again. And for Cas? The fact it’s not something he chose of his own free will, nor gave informed consent to before he was sock-puppeted into becoming Jack’s babysitter… yeah, I find it moderately to seriously disturbing…

And for the sake little baby Jesus, I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS EVIL. I AM NOT IMPLYING THAT JACK IS NOT “GOOD.” Good and evil are entirely irrelevant to this conversation.

But Jack’s power did something to Kelly. And it did something to Cas. It wasn’t done with malicious intent, but IT WAS DONE TO THEM. And it’s something that severely limited their free will. We’ve seen how Jack’s power works, without his active CHOICE to make stuff happen. He’s on a fight or flight sort of level with it right now, and it just happens to be set to overkill, you know? I’m sure he’ll get a better handle on it eventually, but I think it’s also going to be a vulnerability that others may try to exploit (enter Asmodeus, or potentially AU Michael, and possibly eventually Lucifer… this isn’t going to be an easy journey for Jack).

Anyway I think I’ve wandered so far off topic of your original question, but congrats, you won the Which Question Will Result In Actual Meta award this week! :P

I think it’s been more than an hour. *checks clock* *what even is time anymore* It’s definitely been more than an hour.

[erasemenotrp]

"Anytime you interfere with a natural process, you're playing god" - J. Kevorkian

Blessed are the forgetful

Harry is a Phoenix born native, growing up comfortably as the child of a well off doctor and his loving wife. As an only child, he got a good degree of his parent's attention but never found himself to be spoiled. He grew up a little vain, noting there was nothing wrong with a little extra confidence. However, his pride isolated him during his early years of school. As vain as he was, he never cared much for who knew him, but those who did, he valued greatly. As a good looking guy, he ventured out to flirt with girls he found beautiful. His lack of social status more often than not led to rejections, keeping him at the right balance of confident yet humble. His time was mostly spent at his father's office. He found the study of the brain to be fascinating and he was one of the lucky ones that got to see a lot of the action up close and in depth. It was not a surprise when he decided to follow his father's footsteps and study neuroscience in college. Harry opted to travel away - learn from an apex in culture, and as such, went to university in New York, where his father started off. Once in university, he met people who matched more his personality and made some good friends. It was a polar opposite from back home. Working hard was rewarded with popularity and eagerness. People wanted to network with him, said they saw potential. Harry invited it all but never strayed too far from his studies. His focus was unbreakable and his priorities were in order. He was never one to be out at a party and instead spent his free time studying. Until he met Sandra. It was during a lecture that he noticed her first. She volunteered to answer a question and he was smitten from that moment on, that's when he began to notice her elsewhere on campus. Their circle of friends were linked and therefore the odd times that he'd go to get-togethers he'd see her. From them on his friends started to notice he was more eager to go to parties and be social, but it seemed like every time he'd go up to talk to her something got in the way. Another guy would beat him to it, she was just on her way out or she was too busy to talk for long. They were distant for a very long time, up until the day he walked into the library and there she sat, completely alone while studying. He sat nearby, planning to walk over to her when it seemed she was nearly done. He practiced his pitch to ask her on a date for what felt like hours. Time passed and she somehow managed to get through almost a whole textbook without losing focus or leaving the table once. Harry couldn't imagine how tired she must have been, not to mention hungry. Without a plan or thinking it through too much, he went out to buy her a sandwich and approached her. She looked up at him and smiled, that's where their story began. It was after that, that everything fell into place for Harry. It was a golden time in his life where he had everything he could want. His thesis was going well, he had prospects at several companies, he had a girlfriend he was crazy about; what more could a man need? Towards the end of his university life, things began to move a bit quicker. He and Sandra had been dating for quite a while and had spent a lot of time getting to know each other's families and becoming closer and closer. Marriage was the next step. Of course, Harry being Harry, his proposal was a bit on the lavish side but Sandra said yes all the same. With a wife and graduation on its way, Harry knew he had to decide what the next step in his career would be. Sure it would be a good idea to stay in New York, interview at one of the companies that had been in contact with him, but there was something that made him want to go back home. What started it all had been his father's work and he wanted to seize the opportunity to expand there with his own seal. While he expected Sandra to be enthused about the move, she seemed a little less than exuberant about it, but he turned a blind eye to it. Their bags were packed and their new life in Arizona awaited. His father's company came back to life thanks to Harry. He was able to expand on it exponentially in what felt like an overnight venture. Lacuna Inc. was reborn and he was ready to take on the world.

Clear your mind

First order of business was the staff. Harry planned to promote some of the more seasoned and reliable employees and hire new people for the lower positions. Roger was one of the employees that was promoted. He had worked with his father before and Harry found a sort of kinship towards him. He understood Harry's methods, and in return, Harry gave him more responsibilities. Most of the hiring decisions began with Roger, though once in a while Harry had some input or the final say. Restarting the company was no easy task and because it was under re-purposed efforts Harry had to do a lot of travel to expand connections as well as grow funding. Sandra wasn't invited on these trips as Harry thought she'd only be bored, which resulted in a strain in his marriage - pulling long hours across the country and leaving him no time to see his wife. Eventually, the trips ended and he settled into his new home with Sandra, but most importantly, his new clinic. He met with the new staff, happy to put a face on the names and resumes he had been reading while away. Everyone seemed excited about the procedure and very capable, but there was one employee whom Harry was most happy to meet. Mary was the new hire for the front desk. He'd hardly looked at her resume, thinking Roger was more than capable to hire an entry-level position by himself, and he normally wouldn't pay so much attention to a member of the clerical staff, but it was hard to look away from those blue eyes. He played it off casually, greeting everyone else around her, hoping his momentary vulnerability had gone unnoticed. It was hard to shake that feeling during the rest of the day. As someone who was always focused, he struggled to keep his mind on the small tasks around the office. Meeting Mary was like hitting a brick wall. Once the day was done, he felt guilty the whole drive home, but as soon as he walked in and saw Sandra, any effect Mary had on him melted away. Harry continued working with his patients and really felt he was helping people and making a difference. There were some who were outraged by the process - felt like he was playing God - but he enjoyed his work and truthfully thought he was bettering the world. But work was busy and unfortunately, this meant that growing a family was not a priority. Friction between him and Sandra grew and the tension between them when he was home became too much for him to handle. Between the stress from work and now his marriage, he had to choose which to focus on. One night, while dreading the argument that would ensue as soon as he got home, he decided to work late and ask some people to stay behind with him. One of the people that stayed behind was Mary. They had little contact throughout the night until one by one, people started going home and it was only Mary and Harry left. It wasn't as if after their first meeting she had gone completely unnoticed. He still found her attractive but he had rationalized the attraction to basic biology. It was completely normal to find other women attractive. Human even. He was confident in his self-control, so much that when the night grew longer and they were drinking coffee, talking about personal things that had nothing to do with work, he didn't go home. He was relaxed around her, more than he had been around his wife in a long time. Harry reminded himself of his self-control, but what he didn't anticipate was Mary kissing him. Or the fact that he kissed her back. The damage was done. The crime had been committed. Why not keep going now? So they did. He and Mary kept up the affair pretty easily. Sandra was aware he stayed late for work on a regular basis and she knew better than to see him unannounced in case he was focused on a patient. Some nights he didn't go home at all, opting to see Mary somewhere other than his office. For a while, he tried not to think about how he was hurting his marriage. He had a weakness for intelligent, beautiful women and Mary was that and more. Of course, it all had to come to an end at some point. It ended on the day that Sandra walked into the office to find the pair doing something more than just paperwork. It was then that Harry was forced to think about all of it: what he was doing to Sandra, how he was going to hurt Mary and how he was jeopardizing the professionalism of his office and his career. Harry wanted to fix things with Sandra right away. He apologized to no end, making sure she understood that Mary had been an immature fling and that his life was with his wife. He left Roger in charge of the office while he worked from the hotel he was staying in after Sandra had kicked him out. His main priority now was to fix his marriage and that's how he came up with a solution for it all. He offered Sandra an opportunity to erase her painful memories. It seemed like the logical and effective thing to save their marriage, something he knew she still wanted deep down. When Sandra refused, he began losing hope. That was until she offered an alternative: to erase Mary's memories of him. It wasn't the ideal solution but if it was what Sandra wanted, he would do it for her. Harry approached Mary with the idea and with little fuss or quarrel, she agreed, which only added insult to injury. He had Roger perform the procedure and on that same day, he moved back home with Sandra. It has been a year and Harry tries now to prioritize his family over his work. He and Sandra even welcomed a baby boy named Edgar ten months ago. He was given a second chance that most don't get, though it wasn't the way he hoped it would go, he knew the important thing was that he had his loving wife and son by his side. However, every so often, he can't help but glance at the receptionist counter when in passing. He is human after all.

I can’t remember anything without you

Sandra: Loving wife, mother to his child. He works extra hard to keep her happy. Mary: Front desk receptionist. He delegates a lot of his interactions with her to Roger. Roger: His right-hand man and possibly the closest thing he has to a friend. Oliver: Quite a forgetable employee. In his opinion, doesn't show as much promise as Roger.

+ patient, intelligent, sympathetic - adulterous, conniving, thoughtless