#that moment felt similar to the one that initially made them insight check her before she opened the portal

[atrium-hq]

…..kinda sus of mynerva rn this doesnt feel right

[highfaelucien]

I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex. Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta. And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic. The whole mor/az situation really fucked me up. As someone who is also a lesbian and an abuse survivor, it broke my heart to watch the situation unfold in acowar. It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character. And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him. Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

I'm going to quote parts of this/chop it up and reply to them a chunk at a time. because there's a lot going on here and I want to try and reply to as much as I can because I resonate with.....all of it. Please forgive me for the length of this.

I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex.

He feels like a different character? There was always an anger simmering under the calm surface, we knew that. But it was an anger born of love, deep down, and the desire to protect his family, and his court, at the expense of himself. Az was always the first to volunteer himself for dangerous missions, to spare the others.

Now that anger is directed at his family, and at the world, for not giving him what he feels he 'deserves'. That has NEVER been Azriel. Azriel's deepest issues and insecurities have always stemmed from the feeling of being unworthy, and undeserving of anything.

She's just made him into......Every other dude in this series tbh. Snarling, and possessive, and wanting to fuck anything in a skirt that moves.

Azriel was actually somewhat of an original, complex character initially. It's unusual that we see trauma affect men in the way it did Az. Usually it makes them angry, and vengeful, and eager to prove they are the alpha etc. Seeing them withdraw, and think less of themselves/that they're unworthy is something not explored often enough. But bye bye nuance hello #Drama.

Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta.

I feel this. I found a lot of comfort in Az's character. Particularly the way he reacted with Mor. I was a big fan of their relationship, and I wrote a few 'missing scenes' style fics in the gap between ACOMAF and ACOWAR. One of them was where Az went to her when she had pushed everyone else away, including Cassian, and comforted and calmed her.

I hate that Maas took that away from Mor. I hate that Az no longer does that for her. I hate that Az was the one to betray her along with Rhys and bring her abuser into her safe space behind her back. I hate that he is no longer a symbol of calm, stable, dependable comfort and support for Mor, but is instead a threat. I HATE it.

Every now and then Az has lovely, gentle moments - his friendship with Nesta is a good example, and something I hoped we'd see. But also quieter times with Rhys, and their similarities being explored. And I adored the flying lessons with Feyre in ACOWAR, and the training he did with Cassian and the others in ACOFS.

But then she goes and twists him and does something else that just makes me want to fucking scream. Like the High Lord scene where he 'frightened' Mor. And his entire POV chapter which is frankly fucking gross.

And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic.

I agree.

I don't know how she can write a series that explores the effects of emotional abuse so well with Feyre and Tamlin...And then write what she did with Az?

The possession to a traumatised, still impressionable and desperate young woman, who likely finds the same comfort and safety in him that Mor did. Before that got shot to fucking pieces.

He sounds like a whiny toddler 'Cassian has a mate, and Rhys has a mate, where is mine!?!?!?!?' I DESERVE Elain, because I'm your brother and you guys have her sisters and what the FUCK. Who let that shit get published holy mother of god.

It's just...It's so unhealthy? Like, not even talking ship wars here (which I'm aware are rampant, and which I'm trying my best to stay away from). But that just.

How can that ever be a healthy foundation for a relationship? A man who thinks that he deserves, not only to be in a relationship with her, but to be bonded to her. Not because of HER, not because of who she is, or how she makes him feel. No. Purely because her sisters are mated to his brothers?

The whole thing made me feel so uncomfortable. It's predatory and toxic, just as you said. It's not right, it's not fair. Forget alliances and Lucien, even if none of that was a factor, that sort of thinking is still not right. And it's completely unfair to Elain.

But it also just. It didn't read like Azriel. The first part, where he struggles to sleep, and pushes himself until he passes out, and the insight that his shadows are basically hovering beside him screaming SELF CARE YOU DUMB BITCH at all times was very pleasing.

And the part where he goes to Clotho and leaves an anonymous gift for Gwyn. No fanfair. No audience. No pressure on either of them to react/perform. That felt like Az, too.

But everything in the middle. Everything with Elain, was just...Gross and out of character. And this is not because I dislike E/riel as a ship. I could get on board with it, tbh, if it wasn't written the way it was.

But it's not about ships, for me. It's just. Everything felt out of character. The predatory way he was with her. The fact he lies awake and gets himself off to fantasies of her. How apparently quickly he was aroused by putting a necklace on her. Idk, maybe it's my ace ignorance, but that doesn't sound normal/healthy to me.

Nor does him having to leave a room because he can scent her mating bond with Lucien. Or not being able to control himself to sit and eat dinner with her?

This is the same dude who has, apparently, been in love with Mor for 500 solid years, and who never did a damned thing about it. Who always kept himself in check. Even while she's had other lovers. But he can't control himself through one dinner with Elain?

It just. It doesn't feel like him. It feels like...Honestly not even Cassian. It feels like Tamlin on horny, predatory steroids. And that's not something I ever wanted to see from Azriel's POVs.

She could have explored a darker side to him without making it sexual? And misogynistic. And having him treating Elain as little more than a fucking object that he feels entitled to because 'everyone else got one, where's mine?'. What the FUCK???

The more I write it the more angry I get.

Because SJM has consistently put Az in the position of saving women when they were in danger? He was the one who found Mor near death at Autumn. He was the one who rescued Gwyn from her attackers during the war. He was the one to retrieve Elain when she was taken.

She always puts him in this position and, for better or worse, presents him as a safety figure for these women. The first person who they saw come for them, and fight for them, and protect them.

And on the inside she makes him this vile, predatory monster who just thinks constantly about fucking them? Who isn't actually safe at all?? It's sad. And it's infuriating. Because this isn't about ships anymore. This is about female survivors who have an apparent safe person who's presented as almost as dangerous as the people who attacked them in the first place. And that makes me feel so sick and sad that we've gotten here.

It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character.

This is yet another vile thing SJM has done to queer readers with this whole fiasco. Because it puts me in a position where I want to call out her shitty writing, and what she's done to Mor - sidelining her as soon as she became queer. Undermining her power and her strength. Undermining her role as the survivor to look up to. Saying her power is truth but then making her seem like a liar. Which is all shitty, shitty, shitting writing.

But I'm also a queer person. And I will always always ALWAYS want to defend a queer person's right to remain closeted. Regardless of their reasons for doing so. But in this case it's a concern for their safety/a fear of how those around them will react. And I will NEVER condemn that. I will never say Az is suffering more than Mor for her being closeted. I will never call Mor a liar/a manipulator/two-faced when all she's doing is trying to survive.

I WILL condemn SJM for making this a scenario. For putting homophobia in her world purely to cause pain for queer characters, and drama for her straight ones. And for sidelining Mor as soon as she can't write graphic scenes with her fucking men because now she's a lesbian so we best get her off the page so the guys can get their cocks out some more.

And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him.

This is going to sound sarcastic but I actually mean it fully and completely genuinely: 95% of the drama inducing problems in this series could be fixed with some fucking therapy.

But I agree with you. I think it's high time Azriel worked on his own issues. Even if they've apparently made a complete 180 from what they were in ACOMAF.

I...Like the concept of Gwyn/Azriel, but I'm not sold on the ship. Not with the way Maas has been writing Azriel lately. That kind of man shouldn't be with any woman right now. But especially not a rape survivor who sees him as one of the first men she's been able to trust in a long time.

Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

"he used to be a character that made me feel safe" - This shit hit me like a tonne of bricks because this is EXACTLY how I feel about Az, too. You just managed to say it in a few words instead of 12 pages of rambling, like I do.

And I think this was intention. Azriel was presented as a very dependable character. He rescued Mor, and was respectful enough to keep his distance, despite his feelings, for 500 fucking years. Because he didn't think she was ready/interested.

He had a very calm, and calming air about him. Always in control of himself. Without the expected bursts of aggression and temper we'd seen from...Every other male character in this series. He was stable, and solid, and that was comforting. An anchor. And someone who would quietly, and without fuss, seek out Mor/others when they needed someone to talk to or comfort him.

That was a very soothing, reassuring presence in the book, I felt. And now she's made him seem...volatile, and unstable. With this dangerous anger that he can't control, that he uses not to protect, but to intimidate, and to fuel his entitlement and desires.

it's just sad. It's sad that she's taken this away from Mor, but also from other survivors who found comfort and safety in Az. Because I'm sure we weren't alone in that regard.

I miss him. And I mourn the character he was, and feel anger for the character he should have been. but instead he's become yet another possessive, entitled, snarling cardboard cutout dude like...everyone else.

And I ache for the Az/Mor dynamic that we had in ACOMAF. Even without it becoming romantic, there was no reason for that to be destroyed/ruined.

She could have written it that Az is the only one who knows about her sexuality, and that he pretends he's still in love with her as a shield/buffer, so no one looks too closely/to protect her and make her feel comfortable.

Instead she turned it into a soap opera style drama. And wrote it almost as though her sexuality was her cheating on him? Denying him what he deserved. And now she's just...just pussyfooting around it. And apparently he's just. Just moved on. Without them having any kind of conversation or closure at all. He just wanks off to the thought of Elain instead of Mor, now, problem solved /s

I miss what they were. I miss what he was to Mor. I miss when she had that support system, and that safety net. I miss when he protected her. And looked out for her. And understood her in a way that no one else, not even Rhys, did.

Mor deserved that. Azriel deserved that. WE deserved that. And she nuked it for some fucking twisted drama that punishes a lesbian because a man is thirsting after her. it's a fucking disgrace. I'm so fucking done with SJM, y'all. So fucking done.

[jasontoddiefor]

Title: the kind that was burned first [chapters 1 & 2] Summary: The Chancellor was revealed to be a Sith Lord orchestrating the war and had been taken down by an unknown assailant. As far as Ahsoka was concerned, mysteries should start unraveling now, not start accumulating, but then Obi-Wan had to return to the temple with a stranger and refused to let go of him. AN: Or the one where Obi-Wan and Anakin kind of traveled back in time and now refuse to tell anyone what’s actually going on ft. baby Luke and Leia.

#1 - Ahsoka Tano

Ahsoka was the first to know when her Master returned to the Temple. He’d been gone for a whole month at that point. A lot of Jedi had returned to the Temple after the Chancellor- no, Darth Sidious, had been killed and his machinations revealed. It had blown up all over the holonet that the Republic and Separatists had been forced into this war. Of course, there were plenty who wanted the war to continue. War was lucrative, it filled the pockets of the rich and emptied out the wallets of the poor. During her years fighting, Ahsoka had been unfortunate enough to see the reality of war and how painful it was. She was glad for the experience, seeing the new Padawans and Initiates made it startling obvious how innocent she had been once. She was a better Jedi because of her experiences. She knew now that the Republic had been far from perfect and would need a lot of support to get back up on its feet. Her Master had always been very outspoken about it. Obi-Wan Kenobi, for all that he would have made a brilliant Senator, hated politicians with a passion. He had made sure to show her how the system actually worked as opposed to how it was supposed to work.

She had honestly expected him to stick around after Sidious’s death. In fact, she had expected him not to move even a foot away from the Council. Instead, Obi-Wan had disappeared. He had been acting strangely even before the war had come to a sudden halt, as if he had been disorientated entirely, trying to find his rhythm again. He had been acting similarly after the Hardeen mission. Ahsoka disliked thinking back to that time and she doubted she’d ever fully forgive him for it, but she’d seen how much it had thrown him off-balance. It had been unsettling to witness. She had contemplated confronting him with his behavior a couple times when she’d noticed his mood shift again, but she had always backed down.

It had been a mistake.

She wouldn’t make it another time.

When she felt Obi-Wan step into the Temple, Ahsoka abandoned her class with a rushed excuse and leaped into a sprint. She ran through the halls, evading the other Jedi with jumps and one particularly impressive spin. Quickly, she reached the entrance of the Temple where already a small crowd had been assembled.

“Master!” Ahsoka shouted and made her way through the people.

Obi-Wan looked up when he heard her call and smiled, brightly and happy Ahsoka hadn’t seen in ages. She wasn’t sure if she had ever seen him so relaxed. Objectively speaking, of course, he looked kind of terrible. He wasn’t well-rested, but he’d hardly ever been in the past years, and he was favoring his left side again. His old injuries must be acting up again and hopefully he hadn’t earned any new ones. What surprised Ahsoka though, was that her Master wasn’t alone.

Next to him stood another man, taller than him with dark blond hair and sky-blue eyes. He felt strangely in the Force, powerful and yet well-rested and content in the same way her Master felt to her. Ahsoka didn’t even notice it at first glance, but the man was holding a sleeping baby. A second look, directed at her Master again, revealed that he too was holding a child.

“Hello, Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan greeted her. “I hope you’ve kept up with your studies.”

Ahsoka sputtered.

“Of course, I have! But where have you been!”

It was supposed to sound like a question, but it probably came out sounding more like an accusation. Obi-Wan didn’t seem to mind, he only grinned and playfully knocked his elbow into the other man’s side. The man rolled his eyes fondly and adjusted his hold on the baby. A whole conversation seemed to pass between the two. Who was this man? Obi-Wan had a surprisingly large amount of random acquaintances all over the galaxy in all kinds of establishments, but none had ever seemed so close to him.

And Ahsoka didn’t know him so surely he couldn’t be a new friend, could he?

“Around,” Obi-Wan replied. “I had to go pick up a very dear friend. Ahsoka, I’d like you to meet Anakin Skywalker and his children, Luke and Leia. Anakin, meet Ahsoka.”

The newly introduced Anakin looked at Ahsoka like he was seeing a ghost. Ahsoka doubted anybody else would have caught it, but Togruta had heightened senses and she didn’t miss out on even the tiniest microexpression.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Ahsoka. Obi-Wan has told me a lot about you.”

“He has?” Ahsoka knew her Master was pleased with her, they wouldn’t be such a good team otherwise, but to think he spoke of her to a stranger.

“Yes, he has,” Anakin replied, grinning cheerily. “He’s quite proud of you, Snips.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes flickered to Anakin and his expression fell for a second, but he quickly caught himself. “I’m sure you’ll be a great Jedi, Padawan Tano.”

Ahsoka bowed quickly. “Thank you, Mister Skywalker.”

Anakin hummed and once more adjusted his hold on the baby who was yawning by now, slowly waking up.

“Guess nap time is over,” he said, mostly to himself. “Obi-Wan, room’s still-“

“The same, yes,” Obi-Wan finished his sentence. The whole exchange was utterly bizarre to Ahsoka. “Go ahead. I believe I have a Council session waiting for me.”

Obi-Wan turned to Ahsoka as if waiting for her to reaffirm his statement. She hadn’t known of any sessions being today, but they had also stopped asking her about her Master’s whereabouts after the first week. Obi-Wan’s guess likely wasn’t off though.

“They have been asking for you,” Ahsoka simply stated.

Obi-Wan sighed and gave Anakin the second child. “I’ll try to be quick.”

“You always do and then you’re gone for hours,” Anakin said good-naturedly. “I’ll see if I can get some formula from the kitchens and get the twins settled in.”

“You do that. Let’s go, Ahsoka.”

“Yes, Master.”

Ahsoka watched as Anakin turned to walk in the directions of the kitchens as if he’d done it a thousand times. Now that Ahsoka took a closer look at him, he did remind her a little of a Jedi. Well, those Jedi that hadn’t been at the temple in a long while. His clothes were civilian clothes, but their cut resembled that of Jedi robes and he had this aura about him. The way he walked, his control of the Force also was distinctly Jedi like, only a little off. Maybe he was a Jedi, but Obi-Wan had called the children his and Jedi didn’t have families-

“Ahsoka!” Obi-Wan called.

Right, Council meeting. “Coming, Master,” she replied and hurried after him.

#2 - Mace Windu

Obi-Wan’s guest was strange in a way that put Mace on edge and forced him to pay attention to Anakin Skywalker. The young man fit in too well at the temple while at the same time being obviously an outsider. Mace had assumed that the man had come with Obi-Wan to inspect the temple before he left his children there, that he was a stranger to the force, but that obviously wasn’t the case.

His control was too good, his signature too distinct.

Skywalker didn’t feel exactly dark, but he also wasn’t light. He reminded Mace of a canvas that had been painted over. The fact that he had Jedi training, but he was not in their registry also disturbed Mace. Mace had checked the databases of all other temples as well and none of them knew an Anakin Skywalker or had any knowledge of a human male with a midichlorian count of over 20.000. Mace had thought the number was a joke, a mistake of the machine, but Obi-Wan and Skywalker hadn’t been surprised at all. If anything, they appeared to have been joking about it as much as one could without opening their mouth. Given that they were both Force-users, there were quite a lot of options.

If Mace were to guess, he’d say that Skywalker had been trained by a rogue Jedi gone missing in the same way Asajj Ventress had been. Unlike her though, his training had been completed. Mace could read it in the way Skywalker carried himself, and crashed against Obi-Wan’s blade.

He didn’t know why the two had settled on sparring this morning, in the open training halls of all places as well, but news had quickly traveled through the temple. Obi-Wan’s guest was certainly a novelty. Obi-Wan had justified his disappearance with a hand wave and something about following the Force. The Master had never acted more like Qui-Gon Jinn than he had at that moment. Sometimes it seemed impossible that Obi-Wan was of Qui-Gon’s lineage, but right then and there nobody had been able to deny it.

The entire situation was highly unusual. Skywalker had pretty much moved himself and his children – both already so strong in the Force, frighteningly similar to their father really – into Obi-Wan and Padawan Tano’s apartment. The Padawan wasn’t complaining about it. In fact, she seemed to be quite taken with the twins. She grumbled about being woken up at night sometimes, but all in all, she seemed to be satisfied and happy.

Mace had decided not to think too much about where Skywalker was sleeping in the two-bedroom apartment since it very obviously was not the sofa.

So here he was observing Obi-Wan and Skywalker spar, hoping to gain some insight into their arrangement, instead of dealing with cleaning up after Sidious. Mace had never regretted being on the Council more than he had in the past weeks. The next time the Sith decided to rise, it better be when he had already passed into the Force so he wouldn’t have to personally sign off another investigation.

Skywalker spun his training saber and frowned at it unhappily. The man hadn’t come with a lightsaber, his possessions could be reduced to the clothes on his back in fact, but it was obvious that he used to have his own ‘saber. Not just one he found somewhere, but one he had crafted. He fought well with Obi-Wan’s, there was an ease to it like you’d expect a Master to have when handling their Padawan’s ‘saber, but he was annoyed with the training ‘saber he was stuck with. Mace should know. Even when he didn’t outwardly show it, he also disliked using the training blades when instructing a younger class.

“Ready?” Obi-Wan asked half a second before Skywalker was already attacking him.

Skywalker was a good- no, he was an excellent fighter. He had definitely mastered Djem So and appeared to be proficient in the other forms as well. Here and there he was missing a step like he was relearning how to execute already mastered moves. It was reminiscent of somebody who had been banned from training for a longer period of time due to an injury. Sometimes Skywalker expected his reach to be wider, his blows to hit harder, but with every second he was adjusting more and more. Sometimes he executed a move that reminded Mace hauntingly of Vapaad, but worse. Even more aggressive, requiring not just control of those emotions, but a complete submersion that ended with coming out on top again. Skywalker fought like he had drowned and was relearning how to breathe.

However, Skywalker was not the only surprise. Mace hadn’t seen Obi-Wan fight in a while, but he was sure the last time he had gone all out, his fighting style wasn’t so Soresu heavy. He usually still incorporated Qui-Gon’s Ataru, but that appeared to have vanished entirely out of his repertoire, replaced with rougher moves, reminiscent of an actual lightsaber form that wasn’t quite refined yet.

“Stop,” Obi-Wan said, frowning.

His saber was almost at Skywalker’s throat. He took a few steps back.

“Again?” Skywalker asked. “That last swing-“

“-out of synch-“

“Think if we-“

“Yes, but only-“

“-go up, yeah.”

Then the exchange was over and Obi-Wan was attacking. He aimed higher than before and Skywalker spun around him. The two of them had obviously achieved what they were aiming for, indistinguishable as it was, and continued on, grinning half-madly.

If Mace didn’t know better, he’d say that Obi-Wan was either trying to achieve something completely new or relearning something very old. There had been a lot of different lightsaber forms over the centuries. The seven the Order had restricted itself to had been chosen because they were the best in each aspect. It meant that they provided the least risks with maximum protection. They weren’t raising their younglings to throw away their lives with risky maneuvers. What Obi-Wan way attempting to discover here was definitely dangerous, and Mace doubted that anyone else would be able to pull it off. There was just something this battle required, he couldn’t put his fingers on it.

“Go beat him, Skyguy!” Padawan Tano cheered from the side.

The twins were lying next to her in their crib, sleeping gently. It was a surprise they hadn’t woken up from all the noise surrounding them. Then again, the Force was quite steady and loaded with happiness here. Perhaps they were dreaming sweetly.

“Whose side are you on, Padawan mine?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Mine of course,” Skywalker replied cheekily. “She always has been.”

Obi-Wan smirked and tripped Skywalker with his foot, causing the man to fall. Skywalker noticed it quick enough that he reached for Obi-Wan’s shirt and pulled him down with him. They both crashed to the ground spectacularly, but it didn’t seem to bother either.

Skywalker only smiled and the Force replied for him in kind, calling back with all the warmth it could measure up without burning.

Connection, Mace thought. What Obi-Wan’s developing fighting style needed was a connection between himself and his opponent. This went far beyond attachment, every hit displayed how dangerous it was and yet, Mace couldn’t find the energy in himself to object. Not when the Force was so very obviously approving of it.

Maybe it was time someone else became the head of the Order. Mace had led them through the war and he was tired of it. Somebody else should be made responsible for Obi-Wan’s silent revolution.

[some-cookie-crumbz]

TodoDeku with a baby using prompt 10?

Guess who took this prompt and went way overboard with it? This dweeb! *points at self*

Also, Trigger Warning: Mentions/References to Experimentation on Children, Mentions/ References to Child Neglect/ Abuse.

Parenting was a strange, exciting event that, while Todoroki Shouto adored, occasionally left him grasping at straws.

His own upbringing had been anything but soft and comforting. There had been the brief moments of reprieve with his mother or older sister, but they were far and few between; especially after the scalding incident. As he grew up, however, he began to come out of his own shell and begin picking up the pieces from his shattered youth. He developed a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor that people seemed to enjoy. He went out of his way to bumble awkwardly through befriending people he admired, boasting a small but close social circle that his younger self had thought was only a dream.

And he fell helplessly in love with Midoriya Izuku, the man who started these changes in him, and the two had started a family together a few years after marrying.

He had been nervous but thrilled about the whole prospect. While his own experience with parenting was dark and scarring – literally – he felt good about how he and Izuku would manage. The two of them were a strong couple and were very vocal about their needs and wants. They had a great support system in their friends, Inko and All Might, Rei and Shouto’s siblings, and – to a much lesser and restricted extent – Endeavor. They had done their research into what options were available for them and then started on the grueling process of being approved through both means; the first being adoption, and the second being assisted by a medical professional with an accommodating Quirk. Due to reform acts in the justice system – and Shouto would forever be grateful for those changes, all things considered – the process was a bit more complex for Pros, and especially so for a married couple that were both Pros.

But, after a full fourteen months of paperwork, appointments, interviews and home evaluations, they received their approval letter. And then, a few months later, on November 12th, they brought home their son, Todoroki Satoshi.

Satoshi was born via the assistance of a Quirk user, meaning he was biologically related to Shouto and Izuku. Just based on appearance, his relation to the Todoroki family was clear; he had the crimson locks and steel toned eyes and pale complexion. His hair did, however, have that same natural curl that Izuku's did, making it a nightmare to tame as it grew longer. Aside from his appearance, though, as he got older, more of his behavior was also derived from his Papa. He had more confidence in him than either Shouto or Izuku had at his age but that was compounded by being incredibly emotional and a bit of a crybaby. Toshi was near as quick to tears as his Papa had been a long time ago, but a part of Shouto was grateful for it. He liked that he was comfortable enough with himself to be so vulnerable and transparent with his feelings.

And then, when he was just a few weeks shy of four, there had been the manifestation of his Quirk, which had been... Well, a shit show, to put it in the most honest of terms. They’d been over at the Todoroki estate so the kids could visit with their cousins, aunts, uncles and Rei, the little cluster of seven children running to and fro chasing a ball in the yard. Shouto had been pleased to watch his children get to play with their family, delighted by the excited squeals and shouts coming from them all. But then, after a few minutes, Satoshi had come running over, all watery eyes and choked wails about how his throat hurt and it was hard to breath, little fingers clawing at his neck as if that would soothe his pain. He and Izuku were immediately rushing to get him in his Papa’s arms for a leap to the nearest emergency room, when he suddenly squirmed and pushed away, putting a bit of distance between himself and Izuku, turned his head to the side and unleashed an impressive blast of fire from his mouth, scorching a large tree not too far off into nothing but smoldering kindling. He and Izuku had stared at the murdered tree before looking at each other and then down at their son, who had slumped back against his Papa’s chest with a small whine. “I thought I was gonna puke,” he mumbled sheepishly. They had nodded awkwardly, not sure how else to respond, before Shouto excused himself to get the little tot some water.

Rei had been the one with the most insight of how to help them manage his newfound abilities, citing how she had managed Touya and Shouto when their Quirks first presented and they hadn’t started training with Endeavor. She suggested some small game-like exercises that would help Satoshi figure out how to make the Quirk work when he wanted, as well as give him some insight to when his Quirk was activating and he couldn’t stop it. A few days later, Endeavor had approached Shouto with the information for a support tech group that specialized in making customized home materials - such as sheets and clothes and the like - for children still learning to manage their Quirks. “Let them know I advised you speak with them and they should offer you a discount,” he had said. And that was the end of it, much to Shouto’s surprised pleasure.

Furthermore, getting in touch with Izuku's father had been a huge help, too. Satoshi's fire-breathing Quirk was significantly stronger than the elder Midoriya's was, but it seemed the backlash was similar. Overextending the Quirk could lead to dehydration - which had been learned quickly, given how excitedly he'd shown his Quirk off initially - and, when pushed too far, had actually torn his throat up enough to make him cough up some blood. The bigger struggle with him was maintaining control of how far and large the blast was. Almost a year after the fact, Satoshi was still learning in regards to those aspects of it, but had made great strides in his ability to control when the fire was used. It had been a month since the last time his Quirk went unruly and almost set a fire while he was sleeping and that was no small accomplishment.

And then there was their daughter, who came home just a short while after Satoshi turned a year old.

She was found through work. Or, rather, Izuku found her as part of an investigation he was assigned to. Shouto didn't know the specifics since he wasn't one of the Pros on the mission, but he knew it was disgusting; something involving experimentation to see about accelerating the development process for Quirks. All 78 test subjects had been children - some as old as eleven and their daughter being the youngest at only three months old - and it had rattled his husband to the core, seeing the state they were all in and how they'd been treated leading up to the sting. For the next two weeks, Izuku went to the hospital every night to visit with the children, checking their progress and hoping for the best. Once Shouto found out why he was going, he would join him when he could.

It was through this he learned specifically of Girl 36, the label attached to the youngest victim.

Of the 78 children, only 23 ended up surviving the ordeal; and of that, only 7 were reunited with their biological families while the rest needed to be rehomed completely. Girl 36 turned out to be biologically related to two of the main villains involved in the whole experiment who were still at large. Neither side of the villains' families wanted her, though, seeing her as a reminder of where their bloodlines had gone wrong. Her fate had seemed further sealed when a doctor had told them outright that she, as the youngest, was least likely to make it much longer. "While she hasn't been subjected to as much experimentation as some of the others," he said patiently, "she is very young and very small. For an infant of her age to have been this mistreated and neglected, the odds of bouncing back may as well be negative digits. We'll keep doing all we can, but we're mostly just trying to make sure she is as comfortable as possible when the inevitable occurs."

And she had been so small, so fragile, appearing as if an odd look would be enough to break her, that Shouto couldn't blame the doctor for his assessment. He peered down at her, tucked away in a little incubator of sorts, hooked up to far too many machines, and saw her little eyes crack open. Pumpkin colored slivers stared up at he and Izuku, a small spark there, and he knew. He knew that even if no one else believed that she could pull through, that she was strong and she would beat those impossible odds. That night, Shouto suggested they apply to adopt her. Izuku had wept in joy, confessing he had wanted to ask but wasn't sure how to approach it, and they started the process the following morning. It took six weeks for things regarding the adoption to be finalized, and then five more after before she was medically cleared to be discharged, but it was all well worth it.

Her birth date was determined to be some time in early May, with the doctor deciding the tenth seemed like a good day, and she sat at six months old when she came home on November 24th. They had selected the name Momiji for her because with her red-brown hair and orange eyes she seemed to be the living embodiment of fall aesthetics. So, naming her after the leaves that fell in the season she came home in only made sense. It was a little difficult at first, balancing their work with two children under the ages of two and one who needed a bit of extra care and monitoring, but they figured it out and were happy. Toshi enjoyed having a little sister to play with and Momiji started to thrive under the watchful eyes of her new, loving family.

But Momiji was rather different than Satoshi as she got older. She was easily excitable and an absolute chatterbox and seemed to have boundless energy. Furthermore, despite how much she had needed to be monitored, she was already significantly more independent than her brother. Part of that, though, could have been a side effect of how early on her Quirk ended up presenting. She had just barely been two years old when it happened, and while not unheard of, had become rather uncommon. The doctor explained that this was most likely a side effect of the experimentation she’d been put through, as it was a recurring theme with some of the other younger children that had lived. It had happened while she was in the bath before bedtime, as she was squealing and happily splashing about while Izuku laughed at her antics. One minute, she was in the tub, and then she suddenly perked up, her giggles cutting off as she blinked. “Momi?” Izuku had asked, tilting his head at her.

She patted at her belly and looked up at him, as if that would answer the question, and then she was enveloped in a yellow-white mist of light. It was brief - less than three seconds, Izuku swore - but when it faded, Momiji was gone. In her room, however, where Shouto had been pulling out some clean pajamas for her, the mist-light appeared, and suddenly Momiji was there, sitting on her changing table and dripping water all over it. Shouto remembered the two of them gawking at each other for a full five seconds before she took in a little gasp and said, nonchalant as a toddler could be, “Oh, hi Daddy.”

Teleportation, it was deemed medically, but Izuku liked to call it Peek-A-Boo, given its sporadic nature.

They'd had to do quite a bit of research to better understand her Quirk; specifically in that they had to drudge up the files of her genetic donors, since Shouto refused to apply the word "parent" to villains like that. Their Quirks were called Locator and Mistafy respectively; one could pinpoint a person's exact coordinates with enough information about them, while the other could briefly transform their body into a faint mist to move around or past things. Learning the limitations of their powers helped give them more insight with Momiji's own Quirk. She didn't have a particularly large range and she was limited to places she knew the layout of to a certain extent, so they didn't have to worry about her poofing off the property, at least. There had been one scare, though, when she'd teleported herself into a small crawl space under the house, where she had apparently burrowed into during a few rounds of hide-and-seek before. She could poof from room to room when visiting Inko and All Might or Rei and Endeavor, what with her being familiar with their homes, but she couldn't just appear in a neighbor's home or something.

And that had been a huge relief, really. They'd had to start working on her Quirk early on to avoid her “peeking” - as they preferred to call it - herself somewhere she shouldn't, or somewhere dangerous like the time with the crawl space. They had done it using little games, just like they did with Toshi, and learned that she could also teleport small objects, as well as that overworking her Quirk would lead to fainting spells. She was also a quick study, picking up on the same ticks of her power that her parents had and taking their advice or warning very seriously. Despite being younger, she was better with her Quirk than Satoshi, having reached a point where she seemed to have near-flawless control of it. Her last incident of accidental peeking was nearly three months ago.

But her Quirk was also part of what had Shouto's mind working in overdrive. He had voiced his concern to Rei and Inko, but the pair of them had merely giggled about what a mother hen he was being, fretting over his little chick running the roost a bit more. It wasn't about that, though! It wasn't about her being able to brush her teeth on her own without needing to be asked, or getting herself drinks or anything trivial like that! Shouto was fine that Momiji and Satoshi were already showing differences in who they were growing to be. What he worried about was what the catalyst for her to be so self-reliant at her young age was. How much of her independence was just part of her personality, and how much of it was out of a perceived sense of necessity? Had the need to get a handle on her Quirk led to her feeling like she was obligated to be more responsible, more mature? Was she feeling the same way he felt growing up?

That was what scared him. That she was carrying far too much weight on her little shoulders.

The thought was still bothering him as he dragged himself home after a late night patrol. He knew that by the time he got home, Izuku and the kids would most likely already be in bed. It was a quarter past eleven by the time he came through the door. He made a beeline for the bedroom, being quiet as he did so, and took a quick shower. It was as he was finishing up her pre-bed route that he noticed a quiet rustling sound in the bedroom proper. He rinsed his mouth and poked his head out, flicking the light off as he did.

There was a small squeak of surprise and then the soft patter of footsteps rushing from the left side of the bed towards the door. For a moment, he almost thought it was Toshi, but the figure was a smidge too short. "Momiji," he called softly, resisting the urge to dart over and scoop her up. He kept telling himself to just let her do what she needed to do, to trust that she'd speak up if needed.

She paused in reaching for the door before letting out a whimper, charging at him, latching to his right leg, and started crying. He was stunned by the act for a second, his body wavering slightly. Normally when she wanted one of them, she'd use her Quirk to get to them faster. He shifted to pick her up and cradle her against him, tucking her into his right shoulder. He kept one arm looped under her legs while the other stroked her back, trying to soothe her some. The quiet rustle of covers caught his attention and he turned to see a groggy Izuku sitting up, rubbing one eye with the heel of a hand. The minute he realized what was going on, though, he was wide awake. "What happened?" he mouthed.

"I'm not sure," he mouthed back. He moved over to the bed, carefully slipping into his side while keeping her close. Once he was settled, Izuku moved closer so he could rest against Shouto’s left side and reach out to help soothe their little girl, the three of them all squished together. After a few moments of soft words and gentle reassurances, she settled down a little. Her tiny body still shuddered with each breath in, but her cries had quieted down and her tears had subsided to just small sniffles. “Feeling a little better?” he prompted.

“Mmhmm,” she mumbled, letting out another little sniffle.

Izuku reached over and gently wiped away the last few tears from her cheeks. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I had a bad d-dream,” she said, a hiccup causing her to stumble over the last word. She peeked her little eyes at them before tilting her head to nuzzle further into Shouto, hiding her face. “I kept peeking over and over and I didn’t know where I was and I couldn’t make it st-stop and it was s-su-super s-s-sc-ary!”

Shouto tilted his head to press a small kiss to the top of her head as she started to work herself up into another fit while Izuku started wiping away the new batch of tears. "Oh, Momi, it's okay. It's okay to have scary dreams," Izuku cooed softly.

"N-Nu-uh!" she protested, burrowing her face into Shouto.

Izuku let out a small sigh as he tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Oh, sweetie, everyone has scary dreams sometimes,"

"N-Not about their Q-Quirks!" she hiccupped, lifting her head to scowl at him. With the watery eyes and trembling lower lip, though, any attempt at intimidation was lost. "M-Mako-Kun doesn't g-get sc-scared of his Q-Quirk! A-And neither do Kaito or Reo or Isamu or Hibari!” The mention of Fuyumi’s kids was unsurprising, but the first one she mentioned did catch Shouto a bit off guard. Mako was the neighbor boy, a middle school student that occasionally walked Satoshi home and who helped his mom babysit them when neither Shouto or Izuku were going to be off of work on time or had anyone else available. His Quirk had something to do with generating poison and anti-venom, from what Shouto recalled, but he couldn't remember the specifics. Something to ask Izuku about later, since he'd most likely know.

"Well, Mako-Kun has had his Quirk a lot longer than you. I'm sure he was scared of it a little bit at first, too," Izuku chimed in softly, though he seemed a bit unsure of himself. Shouto knew that Izuku didn’t have any first hand experience with dealing with a Quirk at a young age, but they hadn’t discussed that fact with the kids yet. They were still only five and four, respectively, and they worried the pair would let the secret slip. They both knew that both kids tended to brag about who their dads were, after all.

Shouto hummed in agreement, carding a hand through her hair. “Papa’s right. Everyone's a little scared of their Quirk when they’re still learning about it. Why, I was afraid of my Quirk for a really long time,” he commented.

Momiji’s head snapped up lightning fast at that, looking at him like he’d just rocked the entire foundation of her world. “What? But you’re Daddy! A Hero! You’re not scared of nothing!” she squawked.

He laughed quietly, gently stroking her hair again to coax her to lie back down. “I wasn’t a Hero back then; I was little, like you. And even now, I might be a Hero, but there are still things I’m afraid of,” he mused.

“Like what?” she chirped, slowly settling back down, resting her chin on him and tilting her head so she could stare up at him.

“Well, I’m scared of something happening to you, or Papa, or Satoshi. I’m scared of not doing a good job as a Hero, or as a parent,” he admitted.

“And scorpions,” Izuku chimed in helpfully.

Shouto cast him a side glance before lightly pinched his belly in retaliation, causing the other to throw his face into a pillow with a muffled giggle. “Scorpions are icky!” Momiji agreed with a little shudder.

“Yes, they are,” he agreed, turning his attention back to her. “But back to the Quirk thing… I was very scared of my Quirk when I was around your age. I was always worried about hurting someone with it.”

“So what did you do?” she mumbled softly. “When you got scared?”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure what to tell her. He didn’t want to lie and pretend that he had parents that he could actively seek comfort from, but he also didn’t think that unpacking his childhood trauma on his daughter was responsible. His own childhood coping mechanisms also weren’t the best. But, he realized, there was something he could offer up. “Well, I would take a little break from using it,” It was a half truth at best, since he was pretty sure that ‘a little break’ didn’t extend to ‘nearly a decade of non-use’, but it was mostly true once he started actively using his fire. It had taken him time to get used to it and, sometimes, he’d struggle and get frustrated or scared. “I’d go do other things, like reading a book or studying notes, and just not really think about my Quirk until I felt ready.”

She hummed and nodded quietly, shifting to nuzzle closer to him again. “Mkay,” she said simply.

“Do you feel better, baby?” Izuku asked softly, resting his head against Shouto’s chest and getting himself comfortable.

“Mmhmm,” she hummed before opening her mouth wide in a yawn. She smacked her lips a bit and burrowed into Shouto, little hand curling in the fabric of his night shirt and her eyes sliding closed. “Can I sleep here?”

The pair of them exchanged amused looks. As if they were going to shoo the poor thing back to her room, especially when she was already so comfy and content. “Of course you can,” Shouto hummed, pressing another kiss to the top of her head.

“Love you, Daddy, Papa,” she yawned, eyes cracking open briefly as she flashed them a little smile before they fluttered closed again.

Shouto carefully curled his arm around her to keep her close while Izuku settled one of his hands on top of hers, thumb gently stroking the top. Once her breaths started to come in even, steady puffs, green eyes flashed upwards with affectionate exasperation. “This little girl, I swear. She just jumps from hysterical to dubious to exhausted like it’s nothing,” he chuckled.

“Well, she is our daughter. Emotional extremes are kind of our thing in this family,” he teased back, grin widening when Izuku whined and ducked his face into his shoulder. “And, I mean, I don’t blame her for being exhausted. Being scared can be very tiring.”

“Hmm,” Izuku agreed, turning his head to look at her again. She was completely peaceful now, little sleepy snores escaping her. “Do you think that part of it is because she doesn’t spend a whole lot of time with other kids her age? I mean, she has play dates with everyone elses kids when we can find the time, but the kids she sees the most often are bigger kids. Or perhaps it’s a matter of her Quirk being so different from the rest of the family and her friends? I mean, most of the other kids have more expansive Quirks that aren’t so directly tethered to their spatial awareness.”

“I’ll call Momo tomorrow and see what preschool program she and Kyoka are thinking about putting Shikako in. Perhaps being with a peer that she knows whose Quirk also has an element of unpredictability will help her feel comfortable. Or at least give her someone her own age that relates to help her feel better about it,” he commented. Shikako had been another of the rescued survivors from the same incident as Momiji, though she was a few months older. She had been living with a different family for the first six months after the incident, but then her Quirk presented. It turned out to be Projection; she could temporarily bring things she imagined to life. Because of how similar her Quirk seemed to work to Momo’s, she and Kyoka had immediately jumped to take her in when her first family admitted to not knowing how to manage her Quirk, happy to offer her a safe and loving home.

“You’re amazing,” Izuku said, leaning up to kiss him quickly before settling back down. Shouto smiled and relaxed into the bed, basking in the weight of his husband and daughter pressing down on him. There was going to be some phone calls to make in the morning and there was still work to be done, but he felt relieved to know their daughter wasn’t afraid to open up and seek comfort from them.

He held her a little tighter, though, just in case the lingering fears tried to disturb her again.

[cateringisalie]

FFVII Halloween Week (Day 6) (Aerti)

Written for today and possibly (clearly) inspired by Terry Pratchett...

Aeris Gainsborough was a witch. In the classic sense; broomstick, black hat and magic. Not that magic was a particularly note-worthy skill or anything. The availability of materia allowed any in the population with the knack (and a sufficiently deep bank account) to conjure up fire, ice, lightning and, in rarer cases, dragons and lancers and Chocobos.

Aeris’s magic was different – though it shared a common source. Materia was crystallised Mako, drawn up from the depths of the Planet and rendered into spheres, the knowledge of the Ancients, of the Cetra, solidified. Aeris got her skills more directly. There were more spells in the Planet, in the Lifestream if one had the skill or patience to hear them. To spend year after year training, meditating, reaching out with one’s being. Mom had taught her before the tragedy took her; her protégé Elmyra took Aeris in in the aftermath, continued her training and became her surrogate mother.   Reality diverged sharply from popular depictions of witches; while magic might be easy for Materia users, drawing on the voice of the Planet required effort, more training and work. Short-cuts – some resembling mathematical formulae were transcribed into tomes to speed up the process on repeat uses. The call and response to invoke a spell became second nature and Aeris excelled at her studies – though it would be so much easier to obtain materia. Easier but less effective. No Materia yet identified or catalogued could allow the flight her mother’s own spell provided, the enchantment cast upon a broomstick (why avoid the obvious? Even in the era of airships and powered flight, a person was unable to move as freely and quickly as she could upon her broom).   Elmyra already had a reputation in the slums of Midgar and Aeris helped perpetuate; many were wary of the two women who could invoke spells no one else could and with apparently few restrictions. There was a whole cocktail of reasons for the distrust, the occasional insulting word. But these never came to prominence and always swiftly subdued. Elmyra and Aeris were essential for the community of Sector Five.   Mom’s knowledge expanded well beyond magic from the Planet. Detailed medical texts, drug experiments, anaesthetic, all penned by her hand. All of use to the ails of the people of Sector Five. Aeris accompanied Elmyra from an early age, tiny black hat perched on her head; the pair went to each house, visiting the pregnant, the ill, the elderly. Keeping an eye on them, providing for them. Much of their work involved no magic at all; simple chores left undone, shopping brought home, free health checks as opposed to the uncomfortable prices in the less than reputable doctors down here or the naked profiteering of the Upper Plates.   Despite the other spells; levitation, deeper insight, visualisations of a patient’s internal injuries, there were no spells to wave away maladies. Pregnancies had to be brought to term or else alleviated at the mother’s request. Missing limbs could not be restored, and age was a remorseless drag on everyone. It was never merely one visit to someone in the Sector. Time after time, Elmyra letting Aeris assist in more and more instances.   Deaths were something held back for a while – one of the few situations Elmyra took the longest to let Aeris participate in. A shock the first time; waiting on a knife-edge as hours ticked away with a patient on their deathbed, waiting to be there. The need for their presence only became clear after the first time. The moment of death, the sudden knowing that the person lying in the bed had returned to the Planet and breathed their last. For most, the last moments as they faded away were the last imploring’s of love, devotion or sorrow for someone left behind. Distressing but nothing Aeris could not cope with. Later she would encounter the situation Elmyra wished to avoid; the vicious, angry discomfort of a return, the fading voice lashing out at those around them.   Being a witch had been Aeris’s life for so long that she thought little of how other people her age might be. She was a witch in training – soon to be a witch herself. Not that she intended to move anywhere else. Mom’s house in the slums had become home and moving away felt wrong. So much of her dealings were with grown-ups; women giving birth, the old and infirm – until the unremarked point when attending to a pregnancy made clear that the patient was younger than Aeris.   Children, teenagers, young adults in Sector Five did not especially like Aeris or Elmyra. They respected (and to an extent feared - based on older rumours of those who crossed or brought peril upon Mom) them both. Neither had many friends. Other witches certainly, though few enough were Aeris’s age and none close at hand or with a similar mindset. Aeris was okay on her own, but eventually Elmyra intervened.   “You need...” She cast about, removing her hat and cloak. “Someone else.”   Aeris blinked at her. “A romantic partner.”   “Well. Yes, if you would like to pursue that.” Not something Aeris had thought much about. That kind of thing seemed to extend mostly to how one wound up pregnant or how one ended up weeping beside the bed a partner lay dying in. “Though even just someone your age. Someone for you to talk to or...”   “The people my age keep their distance.” Aeris placed her hat on the stand. “I could try a different sector?”   “Maybe.” Elmyra approached holding the paper. “Though I was thinking maybe a penpal?”   “A penpal?” Letters? But any conversation would be delayed.   “It’s not ideal.” Elmyra sighed. “But maybe if you can start talking to them so they get to know... you, before you worry about mentioning the Witch bit.”   “You always said it was nothing to be ashamed of!”   “I know, I know.” Another sigh. “But I don’t want you to miss out-“   “Would taking off the hat help?” Aeris clutched the brim.   “It might.” She smiled. “That might be better. And wear something more colourful if you try.”   Absolutely the idea, but now the notion was in place, who were these people who wanted penpals? Still odd seeming given the availability of phones. But- A skim read. Men looking for romance. Men looking for someone to talk to about... sports. Less than compelling. On and on and- One stood out for no particular reason. This was familiar enough; the Planet suggested at times, highlighted something mundane or made them aware of significances.   T. Lockhart. Resident of Nibelheim. Likes Martial Arts, piano, cooking and writing.   Another name in amongst so many others, but- Aeris fetched the writing paper and penned a first letter. Careful introduction. She was Aeris Gainsborough, resident of Sector Five in Midgar. Interests included- A quick cast around the room to figure out the best way to no precisely lie, but not outright admit her situation. Gardening. Caring for the elderly. Research. Or perhaps reading? Her first letter became a mass of re-worded and crossed out changes. What did T write? She wrote the letter all out again and sent it off the next day, rapidly forgetting all about it.   A month later the reply arrived. This lead to an awkward moment of trying to remember what had been said in the first letter. How much had Aeris implied and how much was carefully couched to avoid controversy? T was Tifa – and glad to have an answer from her. The caring for the Elderly threw her – Aeris penned a better explanation even before she was through the letter. Her writing was all oriented around a TV programme; Aeris made a note to tune in and see what it was all about.   That was how Aeris wound up watching Seeds of the Garden – a dubbed soap opera from Wutai about a group of teenagers in a military with magically augmented powers. Fun enough. She asked Tifa for some of her writing out of curiosity.   The letters accelerated to the point Aeris would receive a reply every two weeks; about the fastest expected between so distant settlements. Tifa’s writing encouraged Aeris to try her own – sending it back for critique and review by Tifa. Tifa’s she carefully kept along with the letters, but she would return to that time and again for enjoyment. Letters became augmented with phone-calls; Aeris volunteering Elmyra’s number first. Thrilling to hear Tifa’s voice – however distant and crackly it was thanks to distance.   Tifa was easy and fun to talk to. But always on edge. Always something that did not sit right with her. Two years from the initial contact and Tifa let slip what it was:   “I think I hate my Dad.”   “Oh.” Aeris shifted the phone from one ear to the other, twisting the cord between her fingers. How even to respond to that?   “I mean. I love him and I don’t want anything to happen to him. It’s just me and him at home. No one my age is here and people are leaving the town. He refuses to even consider leaving. No one comes here anymore. No one needs me to guide them across Mount Nibel and...”   “Tifa...”   A loud sigh from her end of the phone. “I wish someone could help me get away. Just swoop down and carry me off. I can’t afford a transport ticket out of here-“   “I will.” Aeris bit her lip. “I mean. I would. If I could.”   Tifa chuckled. “I know. Thank you. That at least gives me something happy to think about.”   Was it idle conversation? Or did Tifa really wish for something like that? She was down, depressed and unhappy in her situation. And Aeris could – absolutely could – get to her. Flying to Nibelheim would be all kinds of exhausting. The drain of magic to keep the broom air-borne, not to mention the weather and finding somewhere to say. Navigation. So many reasons not to. But a big reason to. Tifa herself.   A few more conversations had Aeris convinced. She would apologise to Elmyra and strike out. Sail her broomstick across the sea and to Nibelheim. Swoop down to the town and find Tifa. Let her know everything obviously and- And what happened next was up for debate. If Tifa wasn’t serious it could be an arduous, unfulfilling trip. And that might damage their friendship.   But if Tifa was being honest, perhaps Aeris could offer a way out. Sit Tifa behind her on the broom and return to Midgar with her. Still unsure up until the day; her deadline, to set off and (theoretically) arrive in Nibelheim for Tifa’s favourite holiday. The time when the world at large seemed to celebrate the old magic and witchcraft. And the decision was made. Aeris would go to say in person “Happy Halloween”.

[susistudentleaders2019]

Danish Aziz Awan. Week 2. Warp speed.

#susi2019 @ecaatstate @umassdonahue @susi2019



Week 2: Clap Clap

Day 1:

This week kicked off with Mr.Tom discussing about U.S History at Wrap Speed. Followed by Mr. Douglas Rice’s talk on civil rights. It was fascinating to see how many years it took for the oldest democracy in the world, to further strengthen their justice system. A lesson we can take to make Pakistan’s system more efficient.

Roaming on the streets of Downtown, singing and dancing my lungs out.

Walking with 3 people from our group, talking about our goals when we go back home, establishing connection with each other, solving domestic issues here.

Day 2:

Mr. Sibi brought out the hidden abilities in us, A-Z of being a leader. The whole session was a joyous ride. “Lolly-Pop moments,” and what not. I am now a firm believer that a leader is someone who does the little things for people he/she interacts with. Sense of humanity, emotions, ability to lift up the mood, good listener, extremely tolerant, someone who can kill his ego for the sake of someone else’s happiness. I am more than ready to spread this kind of information back home.

Part 2 of the day, Role of media, U.S and Pakistan, two very different nations, yet united by this genre.

It was interesting to see how much similarities we share in terms of media coverage.TV channels divided by political views, Television monarchy’s etc. But where U.S had the better stats was, out of hundreds of brave journalists, only few experienced some sort of resistance. This speaks for Freedom of speech itself.

Spending time with 6 more people, sharing my achievements, hearing theirs, motivating them to work for Pakistan. Asking them to be more tolerant towards everyone and spread positive vibes.

Karaoke night as always, more bhangra on English songs and more walk back from downtown.

(Distances here are insane)

Day 3:

Just when I thought, the week couldn’t go any better, another thing struck. Mr. Mike’s case study class, I read the case study for 40 mins before class. Yep! Divided into the groups, my group got the role of the, “Greedy Capitalist,” where we did a fine job. Proud of you guys. This experience changed my perception of looking at things from different sides. One of those cases where one problem can effect almost every sector, i.e. Economy, freedom of speech, environment, general population etc.

Part 2 of the day, got on Dodge minivan with Avery and Sean. We stopped for gas and there began the journey of peace to, “Bridge of Flowers.” Serenity! The town was so peaceful, people welcomed us with open hearts, and showed interest in learning about Pakistan.

Spending time with another set of people from group, again discussing how we can make Pakistan better after this.

Hours of shopping, buying make-up for my one and only sister. I had to put nail paint on too. Worth it!

Day 4:

July 4th, sunny day. I was anxiously waiting for this day. I tried to dress as American as possible.

(Shorts, Polo shirt, American flag color shades, American flag pin and Cow-boy Hat.)

As we were making our way towards the parade venue. It felt like we were a part of Protocol or something. Led by Mr. Mike himself. Huge line of mini van’s. Go Civic Initiative!

Anyway, the venue was handled by members of local community, the police were so active. Everywhere you look, you’d see people walking in orderly manner, carrying flags. Showing how an educated and civilized nations behave.

The best part about the parade would be that they appreciated everyone involved in the community service. It is absolute necessary to appreciate the people for what they do! LOVED IT! SO TAKING THIS IDEA BACK TO PAKISTAN!

Fireworks and long walk back home.

I will be honest, fireworks in Islamabad have their own taste of excitement. This was a fire cracker compared to it. Nevertheless, again huge gathering of people and extremely organized people.

Days like these remind you of the cost, the nation has to pay for freedom. Be it U.S.A or Pakistan. Freedom is built on blood and sweat of countless soul.

Again, more discussion with group members!

Day 5:

Jummah (Friday) is one day, most of us were looking forward too. Hampshire Mosque has conquered our hearts. Peace of mind. That’s it.

Miss Sam, gave us the insight of religion in USA and I was shocked to see how much of a wrong perception we have of religion in USA back home.

I think it made me more empathetic to people of different religions.

More exploring of Downtown area.

Day 6:

Weekends are always fun, because who doesn’t like to get up late!

Trip to Book Mill will always be a memorable one, small area of few shops, on a bank of stream.

I bought a book for the 2nd time in my life. “Sustainability” which is my favorite area, and I will be dedicating my life to it. Bathing in cold stream was life time experience!

Crazy house party at Tea’s house. Her family was so welcoming and they organized such a nice gathering. We got chance to interact with more American Students, who were younger than us but I would say more aware about certain things.

3 hours of dancing, the after effects are still here! (Where can I buy new legs?)

More walks around campus with a friend who really needed help this time, because of home-sickness. A time well spent!

Day 7:

Sunday was more of me hanging out with me, sleeping and giving time to family back home.

All in all, 2nd week was eye opening. Life in America has its own challenges, but then again, the world is not perfect, we can only try and make it better by putting in the effort.

So far, our mentors have been amazing in facilitating us, the academic side as well as social side. It’s a fairy tale wrapped with reality checks.

I have forgotten so many lolli-pop moments of this week. Haha.

I feel blessed to be here. I love challenges and this place keeps giving more and more. LOVE IT!

[seddm]

Heart Vs The Forces of Mind

Star, Marco, and Tom (and Starco) in Season 3 

Mobile Friendly PDF version here

I’m going to keep the introduction short, since the post is already going to be huge enough as it is. The third season of Star Vs The Forces Of Evil hit us with unprecedented levels of romance drama, unexpected events, and kids not knowing how to handle the full extent of their feelings. In the next several thousands words I’m going to try to put some order through what went through the minds (and hearts) of the characters, episode by episode, what motivations and feelings drove them, and what recurring themes relate to the way the show handles relationships. The point of this work is absolutely not to try and praise or condemn Star, Marco, or Tom’s as morally good or bad, as many character decisions were squarely in a grey area, but rather to take an even-handed approach to things from the perspectives of each character, to better understand them, and from the point of view of the narrative, to see where the show is leading us, beyond the temporary detours along the way. Some assumptions are going to be made, since the show is heavy on its “show don’t tell” approach and rarely spells us out everything for us, especially when it comes to the characters’ inner machinations, but I feel confident in saying that the show itself is more biased in favor of Starco than most shippers are: it’s not evident in almost any individual episode, and it’s far from being the only thing the series cares about, but it’s still the ultimate direction and goal most events seem to lead to, and the last episodes in this season confirmed it. Also I’m going to repeat the same concepts over and over and over, to drive home the point of how important or recurrent some of them are.

Huge thanks to @ngame989, who proofread and corrected this post, gave me tons of useful suggestions and prompts, and wasted several hours chatting about a dumb cartoon with me throughout the months, generating enough material, ideas and interpretations to fill three other analyses like this on.

HUGE POST BELOW THE READ MORE

The whole post is going to be heavily based on a concept introduced by Sleepover. Said episode is the one that truly kickstarted all the romance plots, and fittingly enough it also told us what would have influenced all the actions of the characters for seasons to come - in their relationships with each other as much as in their individual lives - a disagreement between Heart and Mind. Between what a character wants, and what they think they want.

STARCRUSHED

(not a S3 episode, but it effectively is the prologue to everything that happens afterward) 

The episode opens, following the events of Just Friends and Face The Music, with a Star who can’t completely ignore her feelings for Marco anymore: she can definitely feel the pull he has on her heart. But she’s still scared that admitting such a huge thing both to herself and to Marco could completely change their relationship, and potentially ruin their friendship (a legit concern, since following Song Day Marco had been avoiding her as much as she avoided him, showing that he wasn’t comfortable with the situation either). Luckily for us, the episode’s goal, among others, is to put some order in Star’s feelings: she tries to run away from her problems until the very last second, her meeting with Oskar showing with no room for doubt that she’s completely over him and that Marco has the monopoly on her interests, but Star still tries to run away from reality. She tells Marco that he’s just a friend to her (this is an important theme: we are so close to getting real Starco now, because with Booth Buddies the dorks finally began understanding, if not completely consciously yet, that their friendship and their love are inextricably connected and that they can’t be “just friends”, nor “just lovers”),

and then tries to use Mind to override Heart, by telling herself that she can still force herself to like Oskar; she was just looking for a way to keep herself too busy to think about heartbreak over the summer while still being able to enjoy it with her romantically unavailable best friend.

Obviously this doesn’t work, and one last push - the perspective of suddenly having to abandon Marco and everything she loved - finally puts both her Mind and Heart in the same place, leading to the confession.

Meanwhile Marco clearly didn’t think the same: there is no doubt that his Heart has always been largely focused on Star, even if not romantically at the time - heck, he left Jackie hanging like four times in three episodes to check on Star because he was worried about her - but his Mind was far from being ready. Not only did he clearly hope for Star not to have a crush on him - which would have just made everything more complicated, a wrench on what he thought was the perfect little life he yearned for for so long, with good friends and Jackie as his girlfriend - but he was also trying to convince himself, maybe feeling that was something expected from a couple, that Jackie was “his partner in crime”.

Obviously his actions always screamed the opposite, no one could deny that him and Jackie were never really close friends. This is referenced again in Sophomore Slump, when Marco’s Mind tries, for one last time, to convince him - and Jackie - that their relationship can still work, that he can put all of his Heart in it as well. Thankfully Jackie has the same insight an “omniscient narrator” would have, and knows that things would never work, not for long at least. 

So by the end of S2 Star’s Heart and Mind agreed on liking Marco Diaz.

Meanwhile Marco was too stunned by the sudden change to react, his Mind and Heart being in incredible disagreement and the former overriding the latter.

THE BATTLE FOR MEWNI

(Disclaimer: I’m talking about this as if it was a single episode)

The first episode, Return To Mewni, immediately opens up on a peek on the current emotional situations:

Star is “spying” on Marco, looking at what she lost, calling him cute and sniffing his hoodie, and she calls him “cute” again in Toffee: if in Starcrushed events kinda forced her Mind and Heart to agree, now it’s something she does completely willingly, and at this point Star romantically likes Marco. She knows it, and she's ok with it.

Meanwhile Marco is in a weird situation. As it’s going to be made clear by the following episodes he’s in no way thinking about Star’s confession and is not ready to consider and address it. But at the same time, while in his inconsolable sadness, he doesn’t seem to be driven by Heart alone: clearly once he gets to Mewni and sees what kind of danger Star is in, and when they later meet again and hug, he’s not thinking much and is acting out of pure feelings and emotions. Interestingly, however, his initial reason slash excuse to check on Star was to give her some cereal, and that happened at least some days after Starcrushed. Clearly there was no romance from Marco’s side at the time, but his actions seem to suggest that even some days after Star’s departure, when he probably had regained at the very least a semblance of lucidity, and before the life or death situation kicked in, both his Heart and Mind could focus only on Star.

The hug in Toffee was a first taste of a situation similar to the one in Booth Buddies, with both characters simply enjoying the moment. Obviously in this case Star’s Mind would have agreed on the attraction she felt for Marco as well, but it’d have been irrelevant anyway for those handful of seconds. Still, it was a “HEART TAKE THE WHEEL!” moment for both: pure relief, forgetting for a moment about the danger and the potential awkwardness that could have been (and still, technically, was) between the two of them.

SCENT OF A HOODIE

With the imminent danger over, Marco is back to his usual Heart VS Mind conflict: there’s no doubt that he still feels very much for Star, but he still resolves to go back to Earth and, most importantly, he never addresses Star’s confession. As Booth Buddies told us (not that it was hard to imagine), he was scared of things being different, and he did a rather unfortunate thing by completely ignoring the matter. Star never brought it up again either, probably feeling dead inside: being ignored like that must have been worse than a rejection to her, never knowing what Marco felt. Poor Star.

Why does Marco want to go back to Earth? That’s a good question. Clearly he did enjoy the kind of life Star brought him well before getting obsessed with the cape. He has family there, there’s Jackie, sure, but the problem has never really been physical, since with the scissors distances aren’t an issue (as noted by Angie in Marco Jr., an episode that tackles the same concept from the other side), but emotional.

Marco never seemed conflicted, until Sophomore Slump, about leaving, Star because he was still focused on what I referenced earlier, the perfect little life he yearned for for so long.

And Jackie was the symbol of this ‘ideal normal life’ - as absurd as it is, since Marco’s life stopped being normal when he met Star! Which is, not so coincidentally, why he moves to Mewni only after having broke up with her (and more specifically, immediately after). So Marco is not emotionally ready yet to accept that what he fixated on for most of his life is… not the right thing anymore, not what he really wants, and this stops him from taking a huge, scary decision such as changing his life all over and moving on Mewni.

[Note: this is not to say that his parents and other friends mean nothing to Marco, in universe, but from the point of narrative they clearly had little to no relevance to Marco’s development, compared to Jackie/Jarco]

This doesn’t mean he didn’t care for Star anymore, it’s just that, in this moment, Mind was exceedingly winning over Heart, and lead him to do things that, as he said in Booth Buddies, “stunk” (from Star’s perspective, at least, at the time).

This doesn’t make Marco an a-hole, though. He understandably got scared. it looked especially weird to us viewers because throughout the show he had always “championed” honesty and talking about things, but this was true as long as it was about easy decisions. When faced with something as big as his best friend liking him, as big as having to choose if he wanted to change his life all over, he saw that he wasn’t ready for it. For all of S2 Marco was a good influence on Star and her tendency to ignore problems, but when it was Marco’s turn to be faced with a huge, emotional problem, he ran away. And that’s fine, because Marco was lacking development as a character ever since Naysaya, while Star had a whole season for it. He didn’t do the right thing (note: the right thing would have been talking it through with Star, not necessarily choosing Star - liking Jackie wasn’t a mistake, the mistake was never trying to truly think about the whole situation), but grew from it.

Again: they can meet anytime they want, then why is the goodbye so painful and heavy? Because it’s an emotional one, more than a physical one. Consciously or unconsciously, Marco choose Earth over Star. Not just by leaving, but by not talking to her about her confession. Obviously this doesn’t mean they ‘stopped being friends’, nor that they’d have never seen each other ever again, probably, hadn’t Marco been back, but it was an extremely important point of (no) return for both of them.

Thankfully the show is literally built on people learning from their mistakes, and people forgiving mistakes, so the situation changed again, improved, and eventually lead to the current one. 

When Marco leaves, we are left with a dejected Star who, despite having had her heart stomped on, still crushes hard on the dork. “Best friends makes best lovers” (and, by extension, a couple can work only when there is a friendship at its base as well) is a theme throughout the season (explicitly referenced in Lava Lake Beach, even). And it’s demonstrated here: Star’s attraction toward Marco is shown through her reminiscing about ordinary moments they shared as friends, not by looking at a picture and fawning over how cute he is or by remembering things like their dance in Blood Moon Ball.

But then, lo, the GETTING OVER HIM™ process begins. By the end of the episode (even more clear in the following ones) Star clearly still remembers Marco fondly, 

but she’s ready to stop moping over him all the time, ready to work on her feelings, ready to have her head be thrown into a spiral of pure confusion and emptiness (that she’s hastily going to fill with Tom, as we’re going to see soon). Symbolically she gives the hoodie back to Marco, “letting go” of the overbearing grip he had on her Heart and Mind. Meanwhile Marco is interestingly seen, for the first time from the beginning of the episode up to Lint Catcher, not wearing his cape. Clearly this might be just because the scene required him to wear his hoodie, and it’d have been difficult to draw it with the cape already on, but it might also be a symbol: Marco, once home, was ready to focus completely on adapting again to his old life (remember: a life that stopped being a good fit for him about 40 episodes earlier), until a star hit him in the face, and on the nose.

[see a better post about this by Reddit user 650_dollars]

Marco clearly won’t realize what his reaction to Star’s smell meant for some more episodes, but from this point onward he’s always seen wearing the cape (even in his quick cameo in Rest In Pudding), a reminder of what his Heart really wanted. Aaaand we’re back, Mind and Heart disagreeing.

So by the end of the episode Star’s Mind and Heart are moderately ready to get over Marco (obviously this doesn’t have to mean that she was ready to completely forget about him), while Marco gets thrown into a spiral of confused feelings that he avoided up to this point thanks to his tunnel vision. Blinders don’t protect from smells, Marco.

REST IN PUDDING

Another episode about letting things go. Clearly not as strongly connected to shipping as Scent Of A Hoodie, but still probably relevant. Especially this one line:

As I’m going to say about three hundred times throughout the post Star is in dire need of a “companion”, someone who can help her through big and small things in life, because her life is a mess and she is a mess. Marco fit this role more or less all the time throughout the show… until feelings happened. First by spending more time with Jackie, then by going back to Earth, he was less present in Star’s life; furthermore, he’s currently absent right when she needs someone’s support the most, busy as she was trying to change her life and way to be a princess. This doesn’t mean that Star feels entitled, she’s not saying “Damn Marco, not choosing me over anything else!”, but it’s still easy to see how this line might be related to the current situation and to how much it hurt her to see Marco go away without ever talking about what she felt for him, what she confessed to him.

Also, while I’m not sure if this is meant to have any relevance to Star and Marco, or if I’m just over-reading into things… Star spends the whole episode reluctantly learning to let go of things, and then said thing is back by the end. I guess the same happens with Marco...

CLUB SNUBBED

As this episode was the introduction of Tom to S3, this section will be our true introduction to Tom in this post. Our fiery friend rose to much greater prominence this season than in the past, and there is absolutely no doubt that his character experiences massive growth by the final time we see Star looking out over Mewni as an anime outro song plays. I want to take an early moment to bring up the central theme of this growth: his insecure need for external validation, and specifically validation from (or involving) Star. This insecurity, this lack of inherent self-worth that compels him to seek out affirmation of his value from outside sources, leads him to have a worldview very focused on the self (which isn’t inherently a bad thing, and certainly not always a negative “selfishness”, as I’ll cover more in-depth at the end of Is Another Mystery). And this concept isn’t new for Tom in S3, either! Even in his first appearance in Blood Moon Ball, he brings his life coach along (who is already a source of external validation, awarding badges as tokens of growth) to try and tell Star “Hey, look at me, don’t you see how much I’ve changed?”; Mr. Candle Cares focuses less on the insecurity and more on the self-centered worldview (which, at this point, is most certainly selfish with all the negative connotations the word carries), but it comes roaring back in Friendenemies where Tom almost throws away an entire fun day and potential budding friendship for a Good Boy Badge from Brian. It’s important to note that even as early as his first appearance, Tom does grasp his faults and is sincerely looking to make strides to overcome them. But at each and every turn, these deep-seated issues make it much harder for him or outright steer him away from the path he knows he should be on, and season 3 is no exception.

And that’s what happens in Club Snubbed: by the beginning of the episode I think Tom truly is trying to move over from Star, at least romantically speaking. But he’s still relating his efforts to her, even if in an indirect way, and this is a recipe for easy relapsing and failure: “Star is completely over me and she is with Marco now, so the best way to prove that I am a good, improving person is… completely ignore her, to show her how good I am at giving her space!”. I think that’s what the meaning of this shot in the episode is; Tom wasn’t trying to club-snub Star to make her “jealous”, he was just... showing off how good he is at ignoring her. 

Which brings us to a recurring theme for the first week of the S3A bomb: characters saying what they think they want, what they think is right, but for their actions to then contradict it. Yet another declination of the good ol’ Heart VS Mind disagreement.

Tom says that he got over Star, realizing she’s not into him, and that he decided to give her space for that,

but as soon as he hears that her and Marco are not dating, he perks up and looks relieved, and then is more than ready to go back to dating her. This might easily be an aftereffect of what I said before: by indirectly relating all his efforts to Star (even the well-intentioned ones), the moment he feels like he still has a chance to get the “trophy” he associates the most with being validated as a good person, he goes back to directly relating his efforts to Star. To be fair, in Demoncism he’s going to try to improve himself for his own sake, but he’s going to throw himself at it blindly, because after having spent so long trying to improve for others that’s all he can do, and from that moment until right before the season finale, all of his actions are going to be strictly motivated by a feeling of “I have to do what a boyfriend is expected to do so that Star is going to like me”. And he’s even going to half-ass it, at times (Monster Bash and Is Another Mystery until the closing scenes), because it’s understandably hard to put all your heart in efforts in something that’s almost an imposition he put on himself out of fear of failure and further relapsing.

Star says that who she really needs is a friend (theme of companionship), but then she goes back to dating Tom.

And this is going to happen a bunch of other times in the following episodes.

Also something that is going to be more relevant with the season finale, but that gets “foreshadowed” here: while it’s still just a speculation, and we won’t know for sure until S4, I think that being a friend, not a boyfriend, as Star initially (thought she) wanted is going to be the next step in Tom’s growth as a character. It’s what is going to allow him to improve himself and to do nice things, not to get praises or to feel like he’s doing what he’s expected to, but because he genuinely wants to and because he cares about the people in his life.

Continuing with the episode, after having said that what she needed was a friend, after having pointed out that her and Marco not being a thing was not the point, Star seemingly falls head over heels for Tom in the span of a dance.

And here come the two Big Questions: Was Tom a rebound? And was Star truly over Marco?

Personally I’d say that by the end of Club Snubbed, Tom is a rebound. Following Marco’s departure Star has probably not been in the best of moods for a while. Feeling rejected, even ignored, and left alone by the one person she used to trust with just about anything right when she needs support the most, she gets thrown into a dreamy dance with someone she is physically attracted to and with whom she had history. It’s easy to suppose that this was the first moment she could take her mind off her stress and suffering in days/weeks, and everyone likes not feeling like poop all the time, so Star was automatically into that - she wanted more of that. See the following Face Analysis™:

So at this point we could say (with the tiniest bit of salt that characterized us Starco shippers for a significant portion of the season) that more or less any person who could have gave Star a moment of happiness could have replaced Tom at this point in time (always remembering that Star is canonically and evidently physically attracted to Tom though, and that obviously plays a big role in romance). BUT by the end of Demoncism her and Tom bond over emotions, over their current situation and experiences, and Star begins getting attracted to Tom The Person, not Tom The Experience. Ultimately I think Tomstar should be analyzed in its two parts, as Tom and Star getting closer again, and as a relationship. The romantic part is - no offense to anyone - rushed. There’s no doubt about it. The theme of Star rushing things is central to the first half of the season and gets explicitly addressed in The Bogbeast Of Boggabah, and it’s clear that the romantic aspect of the relationship happened so suddenly because Star's heart was still sorely craving something to help her feel better and fill the "ROMANCE" slot in her life (which was just vacated when she forcibly moved on). But Star and Tom getting closer as two people who had a troubled past together, and who understood both had changed? That wasn’t a rebound, nor a mistake, nor something that didn’t have real bases for both of them.

Also, one interesting point about something that’s going to be more relevant later with Booth Buddies: the show doesn’t force feelings. Even when things are “rushed”, such as Star and Tom hooking up again, events and episodes just bring a payoff to what was already there. Compare Blood Moon Ball and Club Snubbed:

in the first case a fancy dance wasn’t enough to magically solve the “trust issue” that was created between Star and Marco. They had to talk together for that. Because neither of them was ready for “romance” at the time, and that was not the focus of the episode.

Meanwhile in the second case the dance is enough, after months of not having seen each other and an overall stormy relationship, to initiate the events that are soon going to lead to a romantic relationship because both characters were primed for that, regardless of how misguided the decision might have been. Two seasons spent by Tom yearning for Star, and two episodes of “feeling alone” for the princess were the bases that allowed this. The individual events that trigger changes might be arbitrary, but the feelings of the characters are never forced out of nowhere; they just develop and change on top of something that already existed.

Second question, was Star over Marco? Strictly romantically speaking, in that moment, probably yes. But all the underlying factors that led to the romance in the first place (which can be summed up with “best friends make best lovers”, to reference the show, or with “Star fell for Marco because he was the ideal companion who gave her what she needed as a life partner through thick and thin”) never stopped being there, and they never stopped being for Marco. That’s why as soon as he came back, Star largely began ignoring Tom and never really involved him in anything, and that’s why Tom felt the need to compare himself to Marco and be reassured that he was doing better than him.

DEMONCISM

The episode opens up with the direct consequences of Club Snubbed: Star calls Tom, eager to meet up with him again, looking almost nervous about it. It’s a foil to the scene in Bon Bon The Birthday Clown. In both cases Star is following her Heart without knowing why or what it means; at the time she acted like that because she couldn’t put her finger on why Marco being alone with Jackie while she was at the cemetery made her feel so uneasy, and now she is in... full rebound mode. Not out of “spite” for Marco or anything; rather, after days/weeks of feeling bad, she stopped hurting when she danced with Tom, and now wants to feel like that again. At this point it’s little more than a Pavlovian reaction to happiness, but during this episode her and Tom are going to develop a real connection that’s going to give a much firmer basis to their relationship. The romance part, for both of them, is still going to be a rushed and misguided attempt to fill specific roles in their lives. But getting closer as individuals? There’s going to be a positive and sympathetic reason behind that.

"Why would Tom ever tell Pony Head something if she didn’t want Star to know?” That’s a very legit question, but I truly don’t think Tom had any intention to manipulate Star, in this case, and that he really didn’t want her to know about the demoncism. The absurdity of his decision to trust Pony is easily explained by plot needs.

As soon as she meets him Star shares the same suspicions several viewers had, but I trust Tom when he says that he’s doing that for himself. 

Or, better, I trust that’s what he believed. Let’s try to map Tom’s recent train of thoughts and decisions:

At some point after Face The Music he thinks that Star and Marco are dating, and he genuinely accepts that Star is over him. After all, there are very good chances that his infatuation with Star was always rooted in her being the ultimate source of validation he knew, way more than any of Brian’s badges could have ever been. But the only way he knows to improve himself is by relating all his efforts to Star, directly or indirectly. So he decides to prove that he’s a better person by giving Star and Marco space, “They’re going to see how considerate and accepting I am!”. Then during Club Snubbed he learns that Star and Marco are not dating, and suddenly Plan A (getting Star back and have her be his constant source of validation) seems viable again. They dance together, and she seems to have fun, so he proposes that they could hang out sometime. But Tom feels like this is the one chance he has to truly prove to himself that he has changed, that he can become a better person instead of forever being a broody teen dominated by all his inner demons, and he decides to undergo a Demoncism (roll credits). While Star herself, and potentially the possibility of a budding relationship, was certainly the spark that inspired him to do it, for the first time Tom tried to improve himself for himself. Not to be praised by Star, nor by Brian. But he doesn’t know how to do it “in a vacuum”, and blindly jumps into something he doesn’t fully understand, thinking that it’s going to be a “miracle cure”.

So Tom is not lying, he genuinely wanted it... but he was still doing it for the wrong reasons because he felt like that was his last chance, and that’s clearly not the case. He learns that the process is not going to be as efficient as he thought and feels hopeless, as if nothing is ever going to help him change. But Star comforts him, assuring him that he can still become a better person day by day, by slowly working on himself even with all his flaws and anger.

And this is genuinely great advice and what Tom actually needs in this moment! He’s put on the right track and gains renewed hope… but there’s a catch. Gaining the validation and encouragement from Star is a fantastic push in Tom’s motivation to improve, but the rekindling of their relationship steers his efforts in a direction that yields suboptimal results. It’s much like the aforementioned Pavlovian reaction Star had: he has a moment where Star’s encouragement makes him happy, so he takes all his motivation and applies it towards getting more of that (make no mistake, he still sincerely desires to improve more than he ever has, and this will only grow over time). He’s going to swerve in this direction until Is Another Mystery, thinking that the primary metric of improving himself is doing what his renewed Boyfriend role entails. But his drive is admirable and continues pushing him forward, as evidenced by the incredible growth he managed to undergo in the span of 40 minutes during the season finale - as soon as he realized that feeling loved by his friends is a much better source of motivation than being patted on the back for being an “acceptable boyfriend”.

And Star too, shows that she’s ready to give Tom what he truly needs - some trust and genuine care - even when everyone else (in this case the people in charge of the demoncism, but it’s probably a symbol for all the people in Tom’s life in general) is either scared by him, or treats him just as a “patient”.

After this episode both Star and Tom are going to screw things up until the end of the season, but that’s just because they’re dumb teens who make dumb mistakes because they’re scared to face unpleasant facts and question what they think are unchangeable truths. Star’s going to largely ignore him despite his supposed role in her life and the motivations they share, and Tom is going to dump all that hope for self-improvement into wanting Good Boyfriend Points, but below Tom got on the right track (even if it’s going to take him a dozen more episodes to actually start the car).

As for the “rebound or not?” question that I introduced the previous episode, this scene specifically tells us why Star felt like Tom was a kindred spirit in that moment: both struggled with wanting to change while being scared of doing that alone. 

If we add to this the state of mind Star was left in after Marco left, the moment they share at the end of the episode, her tendency to rush things thinking she can find easy solutions to them, her past history together, and the evidence that she is physically attracted to him, it makes sense for them to have hooked up again - and not because Star was just looking for an “after Marco” rebound.

Obviously getting things romantic again was a mistake, as we’re going to see in the following episodes, because both of them lacked the right kind of mindset and mostly just act out of what they think they wanted based on their preconceptions and fears, but the two of them getting emotionally closer? Makes completely sense. Star in Club Snubbed and Tom in Demoncism respectively had a huge “I NEED A FRIEND” sign on their heads, and Demoncism shows us why they’re each a good fit for the role.

SOPHOMORE SLUMP

Some clarifications about the meaning of the cape, before I get into the details: it’s clearly a symbol. Everyone knows it. But the symbolism gets deeper than “Marco misses Mewni and wants to be a knight”, it’s directly connected to what I said about Scent Of A Hoodie: the cape is a symbol of an emotional separation, not a physical one. I’ve seen a looot of posts complaining about how Marco could have easily used his scissors to “commute” from Earth to Mewni and have both worlds: adventures with his friend Star while still living on Earth, dating Jackie. Sadly things weren’t that simple; Marco couldn’t have done that because he’d have never been able to make up his Mind that way, and his Heart (that, by then, was already mostly on Mewni and with Star) would have never allowed him to keep both things going at the same time. Eventually a breaking point would have been reached, and Jackie would have lost - she knew it, and she wanted to avoid useless pain to both of them.

In this context the cape isn’t the only symbol, Jackie is one too: the former represented the new exciting life that Star brought with her, a life that helped Marco come out of his shell (and this has always been the core of Marco’s growth as a person, something referenced by Daron in the earliest interviews about the show, and that’s still true to this day). The latter is a symbol of the life Marco wanted from when he was a toddler, until something began to change thanks to Star. Things changed for Marco, and there was no way to go back to how they were (another recurring theme in the show, addressed by Marco himself in Booth Buddies). That’s why Jackie knew she had “no chance”: it wasn’t a Jackie Vs Star competition for Marco’s heart (lowercase, the normal romantic connotation), it was Marco’s Old Comfortably Familiar Life Vs Marco’s New Formative Life. Star wasn’t there to drag Marco out of his shell anymore, and it was time for him to take initiative and burst out of it on his own, to have a “French Summer” and find the famous red balloon (a metaphor for a goal in life) from his nightmare in Red Belt.

And that’s why comments like “Marco couldn’t even give up the cape for one single day for Jackie’s sake, he’s a terrible boyfriend!” don’t make much sense, because the cape had so much more meaning than Marco’s latest obsession, than the object of his pride (it was also that, but that’s extremely secondary right now).

Now, going in order with the episode: throughout the show Marco has been less than a stellar boyfriend to Jackie. Leaving her hanging multiple times when Star took priority (Just Friends, Starcrushed), never really getting to know her despite his speech in Sleepover (DING! Third point for “characters say what they think they want or is true, but their actions spell the opposite, because Mind and Heart disagree”), apparently barely seeing her for most of the Summer, busy on Mewni as he was (Jackie mentions that half of their three months together have essentially been long distance). That’s because Marco’s Heart has never really been with Jackie; she has always been his “goal” as far as romance goes, and he never questioned it, even when his priorities changed. But in this scene we see that Marco’s Mind is still focused on Jackie, leading him to recognize his mistakes and wanting to make up for them. He never willingly intended to ignore her, and genuinely wants to spend time together (interesting comparison with Tom and Star, since the latter seems definitely not that invested in spending time with Tom, never involving him in her life unless he’s physically already present. And even in that case, as seen in Monster Bash and Is Another Mystery, he’s still not her first choice or focus). This is consistent with Marco’s personality: determined to make up for his shortcomings, going at it headfirst before even questioning why or even if he really wants to do that. It’s both Marco’s greatest quality and fatal flaw (tunnel vision).

In Bon Bon The Birthday Clown Jackie praised Marco’s determination, his will to try and try, despite the failures. Jackie knows what Marco is like, she knows that he’d have tried for who knows how long to make their relationship work, regardless of what he might have REALLY wanted, and decided to break up with him before he could hurt both of them. Again, Marco’s greatest quality and flaw. His Mind would have kept on silencing his Heart for a looong time, and no one would have liked that. Thank you, Jackie, most emotionally mature character in the show.

Marco’s Mind takes one last crack at overriding his Heart (and, DING! Fourth time for “words of a character don’t match their actions at all”), one last attempt at convincing himself (the line was for him, not for Jackie) that this life he yearned for years was still what he wanted. A reprise of “I guess we are pretty good partners” from Starcrushed, taken to its extreme. From this moment his Mind starts going in the same direction as his Heart, but it’s not going to get quite there until Lava Lake Beach (still attributing his sadness to the breakup with Jackie, when Star was the problem). This is Marco’s Starcrushed: seasons’ worth of build up that were held back by a “dam” of conflicting emotions finally begin flowing, with the eventual realization about his feelings for Star being the goal. Because (with no disrespect meant to Jackie) it’s not like Marco began liking Star after the breakup, nor after her confession. He liked her for a long time, just like Star liked Marco for a long time (I mean, relatively long, at this point they have known eachother for less than a year in universe…), but they couldn’t see or accept it until they were mature enough to challenge what they thought was a fundamental truth in their lives: FRIEND = PLATONIC, CRUSH = LOVE.

But that supposed notion is completely wrong, as this scene indirectly implies, and many other scenes in the season imply way more directly: friendship is an indispensable component of a relationship. Purely romantic attraction is the stuff of crushes, and it leads to what happened to Jackie and Marco, or to what’s most likely going to happen to Tom and Star (although those two are closer as individuals, especially the end of the season, and are infinitely more likely to stay good friends afterwards).

I want to believe that Marco understood why Jackie broke up with him, since he’s dense but not stupid (and since she spelled it out quite clearly for him), and that in Lava Lake Beach he blamed his sadness on it with Tad just because he was trying to find any explanation to his feelings that wasn’t “I like Star”. Had he not understood, I don’t think he’d have been so ready to move to Mewni immediately, to get to that new life I talked about multiple times. We know how stubborn he is, if he hadn’t at least partially understood what happened he wouldn’t have given up so easily (this doesn’t mean he’d have stalked Jackie!).

LINT CATCHER

Star gives Marco quite the cold shoulder in this episode. It’s evident, and unprecedented. Was it because he dropped in her life again without as much as a head up? Nah, Star never paid attention to things like that, and it’d be nothing short of hypocritical for her. Is it because she feared he’d have distracted her from her new life as a better princess? Nonsense: Marco has never been a bad influence to Star, if anything he has often helped her grow as a person. It was probably because a mix of feeling like Marco abandoned her, Tom “replacing” him in her life and time that warped her views on the whole matter (note: I don’t think she passed the time ruminating on how Marco never addressed her confession, I see it more as something unconscious). Star associated her old, messed up life and weeks/months of suffering with Marco, when it was Marco’s “absence” (first emotional, then physical) that caused it in the first place.

This is directly connected to Star’s state of mind: by the beginning of the episode, both her Heart and Mind were focused on Tom. Strictly romantically speaking she was probably completely over Marco. But, as I’m going to expand on later, her ideal of love was still someone who could help her through thick and thin, a dependable companion, and that’s the role Marco filled in her life. Even during Demoncism and Lint Catcher I’m ready to assume (since, after all, it’s not something that we are told explicitly) that Star on some fundamental, subconscious level still “compared” Tom to Marco, and got closer to him because she saw in him someone who could “replace” Marco’s role. She got over Marco, but is still looking for someone like Marco.

[Note that this is not inconsistent with my previous claim that her relationship with Tom is not purely a rebound, because the reasons that lead her to believe Tom could fit such a role were genuine, just... rushed, based on an incomplete view of the situation.]

Star was living a “honeymoon phase” with Tom: nothing big clearly happened offscreen, and the episode opens on them playing board games and eating burritos. It’s safe to assume that during the span of time going from Demoncism to this episode Star felt happy and fulfilled with Tom, not constantly heartbroken. But I think it’s also safe to assume that it wouldn’t have lasted. As soon as Star’s life started getting more complicated again - trying to reunite monsters and mewmans, her sleep portalling, etc - she’d have noticed that Tom is not up to the task, if she even got him involved much in the first place, and that he can’t replace Marco (Monster Bash, Is Another Mystery, and her overall reluctance to involve him are proof enough from both sides). Also, if we want to get technical, Star would have still been called to the Realm of Magic eventually no matter how specifically the events played out, and if Marco hadn’t returned, Star would have been forever stuck, magically lobotomized, in the realm of magic. So Marco’s return understandably shook the comfortable equilibrium Star built for herself, and she understandably reacted to it as expressed above, but he just sped up something that would have still happened soon enough. The honeymoon phase with Tom was doomed not to last, just like what happened to Marco and Jackie’s relationship.

This is (quite literally) the lowest point to Star and Marco’s relationship, the most strained and out of tune they have ever been: Star venting all the pent up frustration on Marco, and Marco trying to downplay the situation as much as possible as if his choice to leave didn’t mean anything. Neither is doing it on purpose, they never wanted to hurt each other, as evidenced by how fast, by the end of the episode, they turn back on their initial behaviors.

From this moment on their relationship is going to move to a slightly different track to eventually catch up with how things were before, and get well beyond that, with Booth Buddies. We could say that between S2 and S3 Marco and Star, who had been driving down Just Friendship Lane, found a dead end; they had to backtrack for a while to eventually start taking a new road that will go way farther than the first one.

Metaphor for Star and Marco being reunited, or simple gag about Lavabo’s excessive efficiency and dedication? We’ll never know.

This scene shows us an entitled Marco, but also a Marco who is worried about not being able to spend time with Star, and a Star who is still worried about Marco’s presence somehow making her relapse, and who gets deeply hurt when he doesn’t show trust and appreciation in what she does. Nothing new here, we already knew that Marco sometimes sins in “pride”, and that Star is particularly sensitive to lack of trust (think The Banagic Incident…). Important parts of their characters, but nothing too specific as far as shipping goes .

The scene with Eclipsa, other than showing us once again why Star (partially wrongly) was conflicted about Marco’s return, also introduced another round of Heart Vs Mind in the most subtle and television-like of ways: panicked denial. She was so convinced that she actually was over Marco, but the seed of doubt has been planted. No relation to the seeds Eclipsa was throwing .

And we finally get to the theme of companionship that I already mentioned several times before. Best friends, partners in crime, two people who watch each other’s backs: that’s what Star and Marco have been since more or less day one, and this has always been true (especially for Marco toward Star) both in life-or-death situations and in everyday life, from cheering up Star when a boy wouldn’t call her to helping her deal with a shattered opossum statue. The fight against the lint monster dissipates all the friction between Star and Marco (it clearly didn’t cancel past events, though; their relationship became different the moment Star confessed her crush on Marco, and even if we didn’t get a payoff until Booth Buddies, gears were already turning under the surface) and reminded them of how things used to be.

Something clicks for Star: just seven minutes earlier both her Mind and Heart were so sure that Tom could give her all what she needed, and now she makes Marco her squire. Officially the reason is giving him a reason to stay on Mewni, and yet the “dubbing ceremony” mysteriously encapsulates everything that Star is looking for in a partner, everything that originally lead her to develop a crush on Marco (DING! Fifth time!). This is going to become increasingly clear as the season goes on, with Star needing Marco more and more, choosing him more and more over Tom, up to the kiss and all the blushing in the finale.

A companion in big and dangerous situations

And in everyday’s life

This moment marks the beginning of a lot of things: Star’s Heart starts disagreeing with her Mind once again, Star and Marco’s relationship starts growing on a new, different track (that’s eventually going to lead to smooching), Star unconsciously puts Marco once again in the “TYPE OF PERSON I LOVE” slot (leaving Tom in the “BOYFRIEND” one without enough bases to support it), and it marks the official birth of the box. I wrote a long post about this concept here, but essentially from now through the rest of the season both Star and, after Lava Lake Beach, Marco are going to classify their feelings using clearly labelled boxes, hoping to protect themselves and to keep things clear and manageable this way: Star experienced heartbreak when Marco left her, and even if just unconsciously she wants to avoid it. Making Marco her squire looked like the best way to have some control over the situation. Just some minutes earlier Star tried to put some physical distance between herself and Marco, but that was hardly the ideal solution, and definitely not something she truly wanted (because she DOES enjoy Marco’s company),

so now she’s creating a different kind of separation between the two of them. A professional Knight (princess) - Squire relationship is one that allows her to spend time with her best friend while strictly defining who he is to her, such that it won’t get tangled up in those messy other feelings again... or at least that’s what her Mind lead her to believe - it obviously won’t work out as intended. Star was (subconsciously) essentially using this to say “My Mind is telling me loud and clear that he’s my squire, so my Heart must think the same as well! No confused feelings here!” See Booth Buddies: immediately after the kiss she remarks that Marco is her squire, as if that should have, somehow, magically stopped her feelings from happening.

Marco, after Lava Lake Beach, is going to realize that he can’t be Star’s best friend (or at least, be emotionally intimate with her as their best-friendship usually implies) without his heart bleeding (friendship and love being inextricably connected). So he goes for the next best thing: being her squire. This way he can be close to her and have fun with her, but as a “man of action” - almost a professional kind of relationship (he’s eager to adventure with her in Is Another Mystery, when actions is called for, but is reticent to stay with Star and wants to go away when the “adventure” involves being blocked in a photo booth with your crush who wants to be feely touchy while taking best friends photos).

[Note that this is just the “infancy” of said boxes, and they’re not going to be fully operational until Night Life / Deep Dive. We’re going to get into the episode by episode details later, this was just a general overview of their meaning throughout the season]

TRIAL BY SQUIRE

This is a sneaky episode, because on a first watch it looked like it wanted to establish how things were more or less back to normal, if a “work in progress”, for the dorks: Marco having been brought down a couple of pegs from compared to his cape wearing self and being super serious in his new role as a squire, with Star ready to accept and admit that she missed Marco and wants to have fun with him like they used to. There’s so much more to this, as it became clear further along in the season.

From the first scenes we get to see Marco’s dorky slash neurotic side, as from the good ol’ S1 days: always prepared, trying to do the best job possible, but a bit of a control freak (Pony wasn’t completely wrong in Stump Day...).

This is good for his growth as a character, making up for his entitlement in previous episodes, putting effort into being useful without expecting anything from it.

The bad part is that in a handful of episodes, as referenced before, Marco is going to sink too deep into the squire box, putting in it all of his self-worth and identity because as the song from Lava Lake Beach says “all his plans fell apart”. The comfortable cardboard walls of the box are going to be his only way to protect his feelings while still being able to more or less enjoy his time with Star - similar to what she did in S2, but in her case delusion and self-deceit were enough to keep the roaring feelings at bay for a long while. It’s a new exciting chapter in Marco’s life, sure, and something he honestly enjoys doing, but also something that is going to turn into an unhealthy coping method soon enough (until Booth Buddies, at least. Divide showed us a completely different picture, with a Marco who is not scared to be both a Squire and a Best Friend, but that’s for later).

Sinks into the squire box quite literally.

As for Star, we have the mother of all dissonances in this first part of S3A: she claims that the only reason she made Marco her squire was to have an excuse to have silly fun together. “I don’t really need someone to help me, I can manage just like I was managing before Marco came back! I have my new outlook on how to be a princess, and Tom!” Then, as the season progresses, we have Star begging her squire to help because her life is too complicated to be handled alone in Night Life, putting her life in her squire’s hands in Deep Dive, having her squire help with the Monster party, (initially) with finding Buff Frog, and so on. As I said before, Star was still in a “honeymoon phase”: following her resolutions to change she still hasn’t met any real obstacles, nothing that forcibly and unconsciously reminded her who is (and who she wants most as) the dependable person par excellence in her life - something that, incidentally, overlaps with her ideal of love . 

So DING, we get the sixth, biggest example of characters saying one thing, what they thought they wanted, only for their actions to completely contradict it. And in hindsight it was an obvious outcome! Just look at what Star said when she made Marco her squire, those were certainly not words implying just “silly fun”; she was giving him a huge role in her life, as the kind of person she needs in her life.

The most deceptive shot in the show. Trying to make us believe that everything was back to normal with things ready to grow, when after Lava Lake Beach nothing would have been the same for a long while; the full extent of their friendship was impossible, or littered by conflicting feelings, until Ruberiot’s fateful wedding (truly the patron of Starco, even when just tangentially involved).

Also this doesn’t mean much, but it’s the second time (first being Camping Trip) that we see Marco hastily confuting the notion that he is Star’s boyfriend. I wonder if we’re ever going to see a third time, with a positive answer for a change...

PRINCESS TURDINA

After having been kind of a jerk for the cape - a “source of pride” that he didn’t fully earn - Marco is forced to renounce, for the sake of what’s right to do, his crowning achievement: Princess Turdina, the symbol of a rebellion he guided (probably Marco’s “standalone” highest point). This is important to Marco’s development, and it all plays in favor of him reaching the emotional maturity needed for Starco to happen that he lacked by the end of S2, but the important part of the episode, as far as Star and Marco’s relationship go, is the concept of honesty. During most of the series Marco has always been the honest and rule-abiding one, while Star always had the tendency to ignore the issues and to “bend reality” a bit - especially to herself! She lied a lot to herself.Then why does it look like roles are swapped here?

Because, once again, Marco is out of his usual comfort zone, and is facing things bigger than what he was used to. And his usual values fail, initially. He’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to do. Obviously by the end of the episode, thanks to Star’s puppy eyes and to Marco being anything but not self aware, despite how “tone-deaf” he might be at times, the right choice gets made.

This is relevant to Starco because being honest and true to oneself is a fundamental step to go from their current relationship to something more.

Star ran away from the truth for all of S2, until it was almost too late, and now she’s saying things like

This doesn’t mean that both Star and Marco suddenly became completely aware of their true feelings; after all, the whole post is based on the concept of Heart and Mind disagreeing, but it’s still an important progress, and it shows. Compare Starcrushed and Scent Of A Hoodie, with the characters literally running away in the face of a confession they couldn’t handle, to Divide, where following a kiss Star and Marco don’t shy away (but blush shyly) from opening up to each other in a moment of need, staying true to what they always wanted and was always important to them.

So Princess Turdina doesn’t represent a clear-cut turning point as far as honesty goes, and the following avalanche of drama is proof enough, but it still shows the effect of the constant growth of the characters and pits them against formative decisions that are eventually all going to contribute to their interactions. After all, Starco would have happened seasons ago, if Star and Marco had been ready for the get-go.

SWEET DREAMS

While we still don’t know why Star was being called to the Realm Of Magic by the “Firstborn”, and why she started developing these new powers, it’s easy to imagine how the trigger to those dreams might have been the increased amount of stress in her life following Starfari and her resolutions to deeply change the way her kingdom - the whole land, actually - work. There’s a very marked theme of escapism in Star’s nightly adventures, from flying around freely to going to the goblin dogs dimension, doing the fun things she probably doesn’t have much time for during waking hours anymore.

This is relevant to Star’s development as a character, but also to the way her dynamics with Marco are going to change in this episode compared to what the first week of the S3A bomb’s episodes attempted to establish. Early on I mentioned that, when Marco returned to Mewni, Star was in a honeymoon phase of her life: content being with Tom and with considering Marco nothing more than a source of silly friendship fun. She set her mind to becoming a better princess, sure, but until her experience in the field she didn’t actually clash with anything that posed an actual obstacle to it. And now she’s suddenly stressed about having to change centuries of racism, and about her powers going haywire without her control.

And she asks for Marco’s help, remarking that it’s his duty as a squire.

Just one episode earlier she said that having silly fun with him was all making him a squire was about, as if she never intended to take the role seriously (= her Mind telling her “if you never let him get too involved with your life again, you won’t have issues with feelings for him again!”), and now she trusts him - and, explicitly, only him - with something that’s dangerous and scary to her. Now, obviously Star doesn’t want to involve her parents in this because what they tell her during breakfast scares her, and her comment about not letting Tom know is treated, on the spot, more as a gag (”Ok let’s not tell Tom that you spent the whole night in my room, Marco”). That’s the balanced, unbiased interpretation that I gave the scene at the time.

But then Night Life and Deep Dive came, and it became apparent that even weeks later Star kept trusting only Marco with this (and Janna, but she’s so irrelevant to the bigger picture that she didn’t risk anything by telling her). Then Conquer came, and Tom remarked that Star never told him about her new form and powers, and at this point I honestly don’t feel biased in the slightest in saying that Star doesn’t see Tom as a suitable replacement to Marco as her life companion. She doesn’t see anyone else as up to that role, either, but it’s particularly important for Tom because she initially thought he could fill that role, but as soon as Marco came back and things started changing for real, her opinion changed as well. Obviously Star has a big fault in all of this, as she simply refuses to involve Tom in her life and barely gives him a chance. But it’d be disingenuous to ignore episodes like Monster Bash or Is Another Mystery showing us that helping Star doesn’t come as naturally to Tom as it does to Marco. He does own up to his bad behavior after the monster party, but initially scoffs at Star’s priorities. He does defend and comfort her with a speech when Buff Frog is about to leave, but only after having spent an episode complaining and acting annoyed by the task after having insisted to accompany Star just because he felt he was expected to do that.

No one should question how much Tom improved this season just as no one should question how good of a friend and ally he was during the season finale when he acted as he did because he felt it was the right thing to do (and not out of expectations nor obligations). At the same time, though, no one should ignore that both the actions of the characters and the events of the season themselves show us that Tom, right now, is not able to properly be the kind of partner Star needs. He was the kind of partner she needed during her state of mind pre-Starfari, and before Marco’s return, but that couldn’t have lasted. And even if someone wasn’t convinced by this, and felt like Tom could replace Marco in the kind of “ideal of a companion” Star has, it doesn’t change Star’s actions and who she prioritizes. Because most of the season showed what Star wants: the way she ignores Tom stinks and makes her a kind of a bad girlfriend, there’s no doubt about it, but it doesn’t change what the priorities of her Heart (and Mind) are. We can disagree on something from an audience perspective, but ultimately the subjectivity of the characters in-universe is what makes the story go forward.

Over-reading into things: the episode that re-establishes that Marco is the go-to person for Star both for everyday and life-changing problems opens up with him having scoured Mewni to find someone who sold the cereal that the princess likes so much,

and closes with him being worried about Star’s well being, and resolving to do something to help her even if she didn’t want him to (as seen in Night Life). Honestly I’m reaching with this, it might be completely coincidental, but it definitely fits the narrative.

Now to conclude this part: while Star and Marco’s relationship changed a lot during this season, for the many reasons already referenced before, Trial By Squire and then Sweet Dreams still bring back their dynamics (at least on a surface level) to what they used to be, showing both the “in time of peace” and “in time of danger” complicity. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this happens right before Lava Lake Beach: obviously seeing Star and Tom smooching and being a couple was the biggest push (just like what happened to Star in Just Friends), but I also think that what made it that effective was his relationship with Star having once again reached acceptable levels of depth. He saw everything get back to normal, and that makes it all the more alarming when all he could think and feel was “Something is off. Why do I feel like I want more?”.

LAVA LAKE BEACH

I said multiple times that the “honeymoon phase” for Tomstar ended the moment Star actually started having to clash with obstacles in her new life, but this episode is an exception, in a way, because it shows us things from Marco’s perspective. And Marco had to feel miserable in this episode, as if what he never realized he really wanted was out of his grasp, and as if he felt like a stranger in the new life he chose for himself (”♪ All my plans are falling apart ♪”). So it makes sense for this episode to be the only one, after Star and Tom hooked up, to portray their relationship in nothing but a positive way (even then we could argue that it still leads Star to be distracted and ignore Kelly’s plight, but that’s beside the point right now, and honestly I’d attribute it more to plot needs than to anything else). They’re having fun together, nothing relevant comes up, and we are even shown Star and Tom having fun in a kind of way that Marco couldn’t really provide, because he has a different personality. We see what their relationship would be in a vacuum, with the current Tom being more than a fine match to Star when she is given time to be carefree and reckless rebel princess, where nothing but mindless fun was on the plate. And while that’s obviously not possible in real life (I mean, fictional life, they’re cartoons, but real to them), and it’s absolutely not consistent with how things are going to be for the rest of the season, in that moment it all adds up to Marco being pushed over the edge. But at the same time Sweet Dreams and Lava Lake Beach show the two extremes of Star’s life in this moment of the show, and we have just seen that when more serious stuff is on the table she automatically chooses Marco (even literally saying that he’s the only one she can trust!), and she’s going to drift toward him more and more as the episodes go, even in moments of downtime such as Marco Jr. or Booth Buddies. The date on the beach is not the standard for Tom and Star’s relationship, but an idealization of what it would have been if everything always stayed the way things were at the beginning of Lint Catcher, when the two of them were eating burritos and playing battleships without a worry in the world.

A lot has been said about the hoodie scene: personally I think that it was mostly there to contribute to making Marco feel bad, rather than to convey the idea that Star was trying to change Tom into a Marco. But, just like many other moments in the season, it might still be a symbol to the audience (while also probably having some deeply subconscious implications in-universe for Star herself) about who is her ideal companion - something that we saw being applied by Star herself just one segment ago.

Similarly I wouldn’t read too much into Star not noticing that Kelly was feeling off: the whole episode is focused on Marco and his perspective of things, and having Star be completely absorbed by the fun she was having with Tom was part of it. It doesn’t tell us anything about Star; it’s not a statement about, I don’t know, Tom making her a worse person and friend. Just a context that can justify the plot of the episode taking place.

By the beginning of the episode, having spent some time with Star and having rekindled their relationship in a way that’s different from how things used to be, Marco’s Mind is getting closer and closer to agreeing with his Heart, but it’s still trying to rationalize the way he felt: just like Star tried to tell herself, in Bon Bon The Birthday Clown, that she felt weird because she was worried about not having heard Marco for a while, and then because of the loss of Glossaryck and the Book (something that was a huge blow on her morale for sure, but her stormy feelings played a role in making her feel so hopeless by the end of the episode as well), Marco is now telling himself (and Tad) that he feels miserable because Jackie broke up with him.

Now, we all know that Marco can be kinda dense, and that being honest with themselves is not these characters’ strong points overall, but as I’ve already said while talking about Sophomore Slump, I doubt that Marco would have been so quick to move to Mewni if he truly didn’t understand the reasons behind the breakup, so this is very clearly an excuse that he’s telling himself (and a partially conscious one at that). And we’re back to a theme already present in Club Snubbed: feelings never get forced, in this show. The events triggering them might be arbitrary - like Tad, out of all the characters, being the one who helps Marco see the truth - but it’s always just a small, external push, on top of a mountain of feelings and developments that were already there. Marco had an incredibly strong relationship with Star for months, he did learn to question his certainties about life when Jackie broke up with him and he decided to change life, this is not “Wow one second Marco thinks that he’s sad about Jackie and one moment later Tad makes him suddenly understand that he loves Star!”. The only thing that happened in this scene and the following ones was his Mind finally agreeing with his Heart, suddenly making him notice a valley of feelings that were already there. Marco simply went from “Star is my best friend, I’d do anything for her, and she’s an irreplaceable part of my life” to “Star is my best friend, I’d do anything for her, and she’s an irreplaceable part of my life, and I want to smooch her face”. The step from platonic to romantic love was that fast because everything had already been primed before the “trigger event” happened (something that’s going to happen again in Booth Buddies, and that’s actually the way the show decided to handle romance throughout the season, I’ll expand on this later). Finally Marco’s Mind and Heart fully agree.

Well, technically they don’t fully agree until he goes through the equivalent of Star’s Just Friends and sees Tom and Star kissing and realizes that he’d like to be in Tom’s place. 

Super subtle song that punches us in the guts with all the weight of Marco’s realization,

 All my plans are falling apart Now that I know, you all can see right through me  And I don’t wanna know the things that I know And I don’t wanna see the things that I’ve been shown But I can’t shut my eyes so I’ll walk away alone Tonight…

His plans fell apart because his life on Mewni is nothing like what he expected it to be - not only is he not a knight, but now he just realizes he can’t go back to the kind of relationship he had with Star before all the mess, and that not being able to have the kind of relationship that lies beyond that brings him worlds of pain. “Things are different”, following Star’s confession Marco: first, and then Star, are going to spend almost the whole season trying to pretend that things could go back to the way they were, and their relationship isn’t going to be able to fully heal AND evolve until they are going to understand, in that blessed photo booth, that all they can do is keep going forward and see where it’s going to lead them, because the alternatives are for the relationship to die, or to grow. There’s no middle ground, no going back.

The other lines in the song are a reference to the escapism, the “running away from the truth” that Marco can’t embrace anymore. Because he’s too deep into his feelings, and because that’s not what his personality is like. Star might have been able to ignore her feelings for a long time even when they became apparent to her, but “Obsess Over Something Until He Manages To Do It” Marco can’t afford the same luxury. Tunnel vision protected him for a while, but now that he blinders are off there’s no way to get them back on.

And this leads to his talk with Kelly, who suggests to him a better solution than moping or physically running away like Tad recommended (obviously something Marco wouldn’t have ever done regardless, he’s not the same person he was in Scent Of A Hoodie). Kelly essentially tells him not to let one bad thing ruin everything it’s associated with. In her case it means not to let the breakup with Tad ruin the Soulrise, in Marco’s case not to let the pain coming from his one-sided crush ruin... well, all his plans, his stay on Mewni. He shouldn’t let his current sentimental situation define his whole identity - just like Kelly was sick of being just “Tad’s girlfriend”. Marco can’t change what his Heart and Mind want anymore, and he can’t ignore it, but he can reframe it in a way that allows him to appreciate what he has, rather than just agonizing over what’s not possible.

Hell, the episode itself edges incredibly close to the terminology of Heart and Mind (in the dialogue and via the name of the tune that plays during Kelly and Marco’s moments, The Best Thing To Do Is Rewrite It) - quite literally an action of changing the Mind’s perspective. In past instances of heartbreak, every reaction has always involved trying to ignore, displace, or outright replace the true feelings of the Heart. For the first time, we have a reaction that doesn’t deny what the Heart is longing for whatsoever; rather, Kelly’s advice is to find some mental framework (hint: it rhymes with esquire) that allows Marco to find satisfaction in life while never having to forget or abandon what he truly, deeply wants in his Heart.

Granted, unrequited feelings hurt, and while he never stops finding satisfaction in his role as a squire (after a super brief trial period, as I’m going to reference in the following segment, in Night Life that still has Star always at the center of his Heart), he defensively digs himself deeper and deeper into that attitude of only being her squire, aka The Box (in an almost linear correlation to how much closer and closer Star’s Heart drifted toward him over the season): not outright escapism, but still a way to “settle” for what he thought was the best solution at the time, even if he was fully aware of its limitations. In Booth Buddies he’s clearly conscious of why some kind of adventures with Star are ok, while others - those that involve emotional and physical intimacy - are like knives between the shoulderblades. Knives that have “You want so much more but the situation prevents you from having it” engraved in the metal.

Oh, and this is also the episode where the show sheds for a moment any semblance of subtlety and outright tells us what Sophomore Slump already introduced, and that Booth Buddies is going to directly relate and apply to Star and Marco:

Best friends make best lovers.

DEATH PECK

Keeping things short here since I’m going to better address this theme in Monster Bash, but the fact that Tom signed the petition but is nowhere to be seen during the episode is a twofold sign of what doesn’t work in his relationship with Star. He’s aware of the issue, but doesn’t try to actively involve himself (and is going to say that he’s not interested in politics next episode), and Star knows that she could need some help but always chooses Marco - or even Pony, in this case - over him (Is Another Mystery is going to imply that’s the standard even for events that happen offscreen). Neither are putting any particular effort into the relationship, and Star especially seems to not be particularly interested when Tom is not physically present already.

Hey, it’s your friendly neighborhood Ngame taking over the narration for just a moment. See this face that Star makes at Rich Pigeon when he’s giving an inspiring speech about the future of Mewni? Store it in your memory banks for a few sections. Back to you, Seddm.

NIGHT LIFE

Getting this out of the way before it comes up in the episode: Star is not using Marco’s squirehood as an excuse to order him around. It’s just the new shape their relationship took (effectively starting with Sweet Dreams), the effect of “the boxes”. During S2, were she to have such constant, pressing, and tedious obligations as those in 3A, Star would have been saying “Marco, please, I really need my best friend to help me now, I’m overwhelmed, I can’t do this alone”, not “I really need my squire”.

But right now Star’s mind is screaming at her that not having a “protection wall” between herself and Marco is a terrible idea; the last time Marco was her dependable best friend, she started liking him, so she uses the Squire-box as a way to listen to her Heart - which tells her “Marco is the one you can trust with anything he’s your best friend and you need him in your life” - while still feeling like she’s in control of the situation. Star doesn’t call Marco her squire because she doesn’t see him as a peer anymore, but because it was the one compromise she found to manage a Heart and a Mind that were once again disagreeing about her feelings.

And Marco embraces this solution as well, because following his realization in Lava Lake Beach it’s his only way not to run away from the absurd situation he’s in: the closest person to Star physically, but they can’t cuddle and do couple stuff, and the closest person to Star emotionally, but they can’t talk about their feelings as they used to because they both got burned by what happened. I’ll point this out again, but it’s extremely telling that in Divide, after Booth Buddies’ events, for the first time in the season Marco calls Star his best friend and invites her to open up to him emotionally.

The episode tells us that Marco has been working with Hekapoo for an unspecified amount of time (days for sure, at least) closing Star’s portals and, at the same time, “distracting” the fiery lady enough not to let her realize that Star was the one opening them, since as she said in Sweet Dreams she wanted to figure her powers out on her own. At the same time the whole episode plays around with the concept of “married life”, with Star playing the part of the mother who is busy with a baby (Glossaryck) and home life, Marco as the husband who has nightly escapades, and Hekapoo as the husband’s hot fling with no strings or responsibilities attached. “But if Marco was doing all of this for Star’s sake, then was she unfair toward Marco? Was she playing the part of a nagging wife who chains down the husband’s freedom?” Haha nothing is ever that simple.

Obviously Marco was trying to help Star without her knowing, and this lead to all the lies and secrets. There’s nothing wrong about this, and he was in no easy position, wanting to help Hekapoo and her bestie at the same time. But that’s what his Heart, his friendship for Star, was telling him to do. Meanwhile his Mind, still trying to adjust to the new situation, urged him to find a way to unwind and find some solace in a Mewni experience that was nothing like what he imagined, so he “relapsed” a bit to his old Running With Scissors days. He combined business with pleasure, there’s no doubt about that, but it wasn’t a completely selfless behavior, as evidenced by him feeling guilty under Glossaryck’s inquisitive (?) eyes. 

I know that it doesn’t make much sense at first, because they’re absolutely nothing wrong in Marco trying to have some fun, a life outside Star, and no one - not even Star, despite what might have seemed from this episode - would want to deprive him of that. Imagine it like this: Star has always been the focus of Marco’s Heart, we already established that. Whenever he has acted out of “instinct”, or whenever the situation didn’t call for his Mind to actively try to override him (like in Scent Of A Hoodie), he put Star as first priority. Now, following Lava Lake Beach, his Mind as well realized how important Star is to him, but the presence of Tom created an apparently insurmountable obstacle that brought feelings he didn’t know how to deal with. Reaching rock bottom, he embraces the escapades with Hekapoo as a way to unwind (and even then he still tried to use part of that time to help Star). By the end of the episode he realizes that he can’t do both things, he can’t "love” Star and want to help her, while also trying to avoid her as much as possible. This scene here doesn’t mean “I, Marco Diaz, give up adventures for the sake of Star, sacrificing my own happiness for her”; not only would that be grossly inconsistent with the rest of the season (Marco does have adventures with Star, Star does want to have adventures with Marco, even if they’re going to be busy with serious stuff until the monster party), but it’d be absolutely horrible for the characters and the situation. What it means is that Marco is fully embracing Kelly’s advice from Lava Lake Beach (and, by extension, the Squire Box) by finding the only way he could think of to do what he really wants to do: be with Star and help her (Heart) while not feeling the need to have fun in another dimension to stop the screams inside (Mind). From this moment (up to Booth Buddies) Marco is more or less entirely going to put away his identity as Star’s best friend, replacing it with the one as squire.

Hekapoo’s line is extremely important because it not only validates Marco’s efforts from the point of view of someone who has no reason to lie to Marco, thus washing away his entitlement at the beginning of the season and “concluding” the first arc of his growth in the season, but it also overlaps the idea of “squire” and “best friend”, when it comes to Marco and Star, exactly what they’re going to do until the last episodes in the season.

And one last thing: yes, the episode does have heavy “Marcapoo” undertones - even if not necessarily romantic ones - and yes, Marco did “break her heart” by ultimately putting Star first. But I and Ngame both will personally slap whoever is going to ask “Then is Starco toxic if it ruins other relationships?!”. Sadly choices need to be made in life; nowhere did the show do anything to objectively tell us “Jackie/Tom/Hekapoo are terrible horrible people and Marco/Star did the good thing ditching them!”. What ultimately matters are the personal choices and decisions of the characters, what they want and like the most. That’s... extremely realistic! In real life it’s not like the ONLY reason all relationships end or outright never happen in the first place is because “he/she was actually an evil killer of puppies!”. That would be absurd; sometimes it’s as simple as “I like you, but I like that other person more”, and that’s essentially what this all boils down. It’s what happened with Jarco, it’s what’s going to happen with Tomstar. Now, what the show does to validate these subjective choices is giving us plenty of scenes, moments, and reasons to know why Marco would ultimately choose Star over others, and vice versa. 

Also nothing should be seen “in a vacuum”: this episode took place in the context of an extremely busy Star and a Marco who resolved to help her of his own volition. “So then if Marco stays with Star, he’s never going to have time to do anything else, to have fun with anyone else?!” No, but in that specific moment, and in other moments throughout the season, he had to put his priorities straight, and he ultimately chose what he wanted the most. The “married life” metaphor the episode uses is particularly fitting. Imagine a couple who only recently had a kid; they won’t have time for just about anything else for a long while afterwards, and some relationships or activities may fall by the wayside, but it’s usually rewarding and worthwhile to them.

DEEP DIVE

Deep Dive has been one of the most important and surprising episodes in the season, but going over it in this post is going to be rather fast, since when it comes to Star and Marco’s relationship all it does is make themes I already plentifully talked about before painfully clear. One stands tall above all others: the idea of companionship. The season began with Star feeling dejected and alone, finding some solace in Tom, then apparently giving Marco a more “marginal” role in her life following his return. Then when things get serious, Tom essentially disappears and Star keeps involving Marco more and more in her Mewni life (Death Peck, Sweet Dreams), and Deep Dive hits us with this.

If this doesn’t tell us what kind of role Star feels Marco fills in her life, and what kind of role Marco wants to have in Star’s life, nothing ever will. By this point Star has involved Marco in her life more than ever before; if possible her Heart is focused on him more than in Starcrushed (or at least in a different, more mature way), while her Mind is still adamantly telling her “Tom is your boyfriend, you like Tom”. If in Night Life Marco realized that he can’t not see Star through the lenses of romance, fully embracing the Squire role as a way to protect himself, then Deep Dive is the pinnacle of their “working relationship”: from this moment her Mind is going to slooowly move more and more toward her Heart, toward Marco. The Boxes are still going to be there, but slowly break down, reduced to their most fundamental elements only (Tom = boyfriend, Marco = squire friend). This is going to be evident in the next two episodes featuring one-on-one Star-Marco interactions, Marco Jr. and Booth Buddies, where the princess, compared to all the previous episodes in the season, is going to behave around her squire the same way she’d have done in early S2: cheerful, happy, very heavy on physical contact, commenting on how attractive he is (Marco Jr.).

“But Star looks silly while saying that Marco is her lifeline, it doesn’t look like she put much thought in it, we shouldn’t consider it such an important line!” Irrelevant: Marco still repeats it to himself in an emotional tone, so it’s important to him anyway, and the following scene still has Star essentially telling Marco “We have always had each other backs, that’s important enough to me to make me confident about the success of this extremely dangerous operation”. The episode is thick with this theme, even in the case the lifeline scene hadn’t been meant to be particularly iconic by the boarders and writers.

Trashiest moment in the season: in Running With Scissors Marco ultimately renounces a life of mindless adventures and lack of stress for Star’s sake, because he doesn’t want to lose her (yes obviously his other friends parents and all that played a role as well, but it’s when Star mentions herself that he truly changes his mind - and let’s not forget the reflection on the scissors). Now Star snaps back from a land of “magical bliss” (and, remember, Star is super stressed right now, so a land without worries had to have a particularly strong appeal to her, even without the magic brainwashing) thanks to Marco calling her. They have both rejected easy but “empty” happiness for the sake of the other.

First hug since Marco left. Obviously there hadn’t been many reasons for Star and Marco to hug in previous episodes, but I think it’s still indicative of what I said before: this episode marks a complete return, for Star, to the same kind of relationship she had with Marco in the past - albeit with the walls of the boxes still acting as a filter, blocking out the kind of emotional intimacy that once experienced again in Booth Buddies (and Divide/Conquer) is going to immediately sync her Mind more and more with her Heart. Perhaps not yet to the point of agreeing completely, but enough to make Star conscious of what she feels - just, apparently, not sure enough about what she feels yet.

First time Marco blushes during a hug us well (and second time he blushes throughout the whole show in a non humorous context following his kiss with Jackie in Bon Bon The Birthday Clown): while this has obviously been surpassed in importance by recent episodes, at the time it proved us that Marco didn’t reject his feelings for Star, despite everything. He uses his role as a Squire as a form of protection (and he’s going to embrace it even more after this episode), but both his Heart and Mind still agree, he does like Star romantically. He knows it, and he never once tries to fight it.

Janna’s line is just a magical spin on a super classic gag, and nothing that comes out of her mouth should be taken too seriously, but it still gives a romantic connotation to a (relatively common type of) moment of Starco friendship, consistent with the core concept of friendship and love being indivisible in the dorks’ current relationship. Just like with the hoodie in Lava Lake Beach, I don’t think it should be given any significant weight as a standalone moment, but in the context of the incessant march of allusions to this concept it absolutely shouldn’t be written off entirely.

MONSTER BASH

The episode doesn’t tell us much about Star and Marco’s relationship, being more focused (other than on plot, obviously) on Tom. It mostly shows us once again - notably, this time with Tom being present - that Star greatly values the help Marco is in her life (companionship), that he helps her around both in small matters,

and high risk/stakes situations. Nothing new, but always nice to see it.

As for Tom, there’s much more to be said. Last time we saw Tom and Star together (and essentially the first time ever since they hooked up, excluding the quick cameos in Lint Catcher and Starfari) was in Lava Lake Beach, an episode that symbolized what would work in their relationship in a vacuum with a focus on Marco’s perspective on it. But said vacuum of easy life began to fade starting with Starfari (and is completely gone now) and we are seeing the effects: Monster Bash shows the bad sides of their relationship, and both Star’s and Tom’s flaws.

Star barely noticed that Tom was there, helping set up, and she clearly didn’t involve him as directly as she did Marco, and apparently outright didn’t see him for quite a while (weeks? Marco mentions that Star has been preparing this party for months).

And we also get to see something that’s going to be relevant again in Is Another Mystery, and that ties directly to Tom’s misguided attempts at self improvement: he thinks of himself strictly as “Star’s boyfriend”, and she acts according to it. In this episode he’s mostly concerned about kissing, dancing and cuddling, and later in Is Another Mystery he’s going to be like “A boyfriend should spend time with her girlfriend, right?”, thus begging Marco to go on the adventure with Star... without then being actually concerned about the adventure itself. "HELP STAR” was never his focus, but rather he just felt that his role required him to “SPEND TIME WITH STAR”. This is a crucial point of his character, because Divide and Conquer showed us that Tom is not selfish nor unable to do things for other people’s sake; he acts like that in his relationship with Star because his priorities and focus are all skewed by a need for validation. As of this point in canon, he’s invested in the relationship, not the person.

And this is even made worse by Star, who isn’t that invested in either of them. She clearly doesn’t look forward to cuddling and kissing as much as Tom does, not taking his attempts at flirting seriously, and she doesn’t involve him in her life at all. She originally saw him as someone who could hold her hand in the scary new life she saw in front of herself at the beginning of the season, but as soon as Marco was back and said life actually hit, she... lost interest in Tom, because what he was left with was just a BOYFRIEND label with little to none of the emotional weight that should be attached to it.

As I said Tom never got a chance to prove himself as a worthy companion, but at the same time this episode (along with Is Another Mystery) gives us glimpses of why it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway, even if Marco hadn’t returned from Earth, even if Star had involved Tom more. This scene kinda pits Marco and Tom against one another, showing that the first cares for what Star is doing, while the latter (who should be far more personally interested into it) has apparently kinda regressed from his good resolutions from Demoncism: if he felt inspired by Star trying to be a better princess, shouldn’t he be inspired by her attempts at improving Mewni as well? Especially since he signed the proposition as well... but then wasn’t involved by Star (like, she didn’t ask him to come to the Pigeon Kingdom in Death Peck). Long story short, the first five minutes of the episode show us Tom and Star at their worst (when it comes to how they behave with each other), and why their relationship can’t work: neither of them are proactive. Both aren't concerned enough to put forth genuine efforts to reach out to the other unless they're physically looking at each other already. Everything was good as long as all they expected from each other was “be there, have fun” like during their date on the beach, but the moment things got a bit more serious the lack of solid basis to their relationship became glaring - similarly to Jackie and Marco, even if in that case the faults were a bit more one-sided.

We also get a preview of what Divide and Conquer are going to show in its full glory: the contrast between a Tom who is solely focused on “I am a boyfriend I do boyfriend things”, thus not caring about anything that lies outside his jurisdiction,

and a Tom who doesn’t think like a boyfriend, but just like a decent human (demon) being and a friend, and does his best to help. Focusing on his role as a boyfriend is poison to Tom’s growth, and I’m quite confident in assuming that’s going to be a point next season, that becoming just a friend is going to be great for him.

This moment of clarity also allows him to make up for his behavior during the first part of the episode. It’s shown that he has some more work to do, because it’s clear that he still doesn’t fully understand where he was at fault or what he should have done to avoid upsetting Star (you are at fault too Star though, you ignored him for who knows how long...): he outright says it at first,

and by the end of the episode he understands that he shouldn’t have underestimated the importance and value of what Star was trying to do, but his efforts are still “unpolished”, especially compared to the “comforting moment scenes” we are used to see between Star and Marco. He tells Star that it’s not her fault, but he has nothing to back it up, he can only... awkwardly pat her on the back.

This is where the difference with Is Another Mystery lies: in both episodes Tom acts in kind of a jerky way and as someone who is not very appreciative of Star’s efforts, but in the second case Tom’s speech does manage to come through to Star, actually comforting her by telling her something she didn’t already know and by helping her see things in a different way, as opposed to just going “there there, not your fault”. Tom is improving, just like all the characters; it’s just that he started from a waaay lower level and isn’t a main character, so his improvements are both faster and more apparent compared to those of Marco and Star.

To conclude the part about this episode I just want to make it clear that I don’t have anything against Tom, and that I’m constantly comparing him to Marco just because the show itself does it! And there’s nothing inherently bad in that, because the show knows how to differentiate what’s subjective and objective to the characters themselves and how to convey ideas and concepts that aren’t just black and white. There’s no contradiction in saying that S3 helped Tom grow a lot, becoming a way better person who was a genuinely amazing friend during the season finale, while showing at the same time that he’s not fit to be Star’s “partner in life”/companion and that Star is not fit to be his girlfriend. It’s what I said in Night Life talking about Marco and Hekapoo: if the series wants to convey the idea that Star and Marco are the best match for each other it doesn’t mean that other characters are bad, or even that other relationships are objectively bad, just that those others aren’t what Star and Marco ultimately want AND need (Mind AND Heart). Jackie was a perfect character and potentially a perfect girlfriend, and Marco’s Mind knew that and valued their relationship. But his Heart wasn’t into it, and this prevented it from really working out. This inner conflict is the source of all romance drama starting from S2 onward, and when Star and Marco’s Heart and Mind fully agree we know who becomes the object of their affections.

Also “jealous” Marco bothered by Tom’s flirting. It doesn’t mean anything, just an added bonus.

STUMP DAY

Not much to say about this episode; it’s a classic “holiday special” that can fit loosely in a span of episodes and doesn’t particularly influence canon or tell us much new. It’s almost like a display of the state of the characters as of midseason, at their worst (since, after all, the episode plays out a lot like a classic “family argues at Christmas dinner, the magic of the holiday fixes everything and they remember why they love each other):

Marco is a control freak and his feelings for Star are hard to deal with, and he calls Tom out in an incredibly forward manner which is definitely indicative of Marco’s own inner turmoil. I’d like to point out that the only other instance of “jealousy” throughout the season is the squinting in Monster Bash just above, so his remark to Tom in this episode is several tiers above anything “more canon Marco” ever did - considering it a standard, for either Marco or Tom, would be a disservice to the characters in my opinion.

Tom is worried about looking like a good boyfriend more than being one (especially since he doesn’t know how to be one). He’s ready to throw Marco under the bus as soon as he sees that he’s now on the losing side of the argument (regardless of what he may or may not have told Marco that morning, he was on board with the party until it became clear that Star didn’t want it).

He even wants Marco to say that he is a good boyfriend, as if such a thing held any real valued: need for validation.

Star rushes things headfirst, destroying half the room before ever explaining what was going on, and shows lack of investment in Tom, not even caring about what he might or might have not done for her (even though in this specific case she was also more worried about the Stump than anything else, and might have said it just to make them stop fighting. Still, it’d be just another instance in a long list throughout the season).

Pony is self centered, Janna is mischievous and enjoys seeing others suffer - at this point I’m going to assume that her “Kellco” line was nothing but ship teasing, and that even if Kelly was to feel something more than simple friendship for Marco it’d never be relevant, just like Janna’s supposed crush/gratuitous teasing on Marco in S2.

Tad was Tad and Kelly... was the only good person in the room.

Anyway, an almost entirely unimportant episode that still reminded us that Marco likes Star and has a hard time dealing with it, and that Tom is more worried about the validation coming from his relationship than about Star.

And we got this line that (unintentionally?) encompasses all the reasons that prevented Starco from being canon already by this point. Terrible timing. Always.

THE BOGBEAST OF BOGGABAH

Most direct episode to date, tells us in bold glowing letters both that Star rushes into things

and that this leads to decisions that don’t match with what she really needs (Heart and Mind disagreeing). Once again, getting closer to Tom wasn’t a rushed decision on Star’s side, nor a bad one. Getting involved with him romantically once again was, because it stemmed from a need to fill the void left by Marco in her life, but without her ever stopping wanting a marco (lowercase M, as in the idea of Marco rather than the person) in her life.

IS ANOTHER MYSTERY

The episode opens up with Star reminding us that she currently can’t open up emotionally to Marco as she’d have done once because The Squire Box is still there to filter her relationship with Marco (by now when it comes to silly stuff or practical issues things are about the same they were in S2, it’s when it comes to emotions that there are still barriers up, from both sides, for different reasons). Furthermore, she doesn’t even begin to consider that she might talk about these things to Tom or that he might be the one to help and comfort her and provide some of the help (be it practical or not) that she desperately needs.

Conversely it’s not like Tom is exactly eager to become the recipient of Star’s uneasiness. He doesn’t like seeing Star like that, no doubt about it, because he does care about her as a person. When it comes to the relationship itself, however... this scene makes clear what was already hinted at in Monster Bash: he just does what he thinks a boyfriend is expected to do.

Please note that this doesn’t mean he has no genuine concern for Star. Even though his annoyed behavior throughout the episode might suggest the contrary (at least in this specific case), seeing how ready he was to do unpleasant, dangerous things during the finale makes me believe that the issue is with the perspective and motives and not with his personality itself. Simply put, Tom is not selfish, he’s self-centered. Everything he does until the season finale (where, as a matter of fact, he seems a way better person than he has ever been) is filtered through a lens of his insecurity. This hampers his overall attitude most of the time (first part of Monster Bash, Stump Day), and even when that improves it still makes being a genuinely supportive person unnatural to him (his less than stellar attempt at comforting Star in Monster Bash, him still worrying about having performed better than Marco at the end of this episode). His current relationship with Star had some real bases at first in Demoncism but they were soon undermined by their Heart and Minds disagreeing after a first, brief moment of “resonance”:

Tom’s Mind tried to tell him that he loves Star and that he should show that by doing what his naive, hormonal teenagey brain associates with “relationship”, but what his Heart really craves are friends who make him feel good with himself with no strings attached, and whom he wants to help for no other reason than because he cares for them.

Star’s Mind tried to tell her that Tom could have fit into the marco-shaped hole in her heart (with lowercase M again because as of Demoncism Star was probably over Marco as a person, romantically speaking, but still held who and what Marco was to her as her ideal of love, and this never changed), but her Heart could tell the difference as soon as Marco was back.

This scene tells us two things. First, Marco has been sinking deeper and deeper into his role as a Squire, identifying himself as a man of action who enjoys helping Star as long as the roles are clear and defined and the “adventure of the day” doesn’t require emotional intimacy to happen (and that’s why he’s so eager to go here, but is going to be so reticent during Booth Buddies). Second, Star and Marco likely had offscreen adventures, and Star always defaulted to Marco, never involving Tom, probably barely telling him about what she was doing. She was ready to ditch her boyfriend with whom she was about to have a deeply emotional talk at a moment’s notice. Obviously she was worried about Buff Frog, but it's still... telling. 

By this point Star is at her deepest into her boxes and labels: the moment duty calls she immediately goes “Welp, BOYFRIEND MOMENT is over, since I actually have to do something important it’s SQUIRE MOMENT!” Kinda ironic, and sad, given how in Trial By Squire she essentially said that Marco’s role would have been source of silly fun and nothing more, and look how things turned out there. Her seemingly annoyed reaction at Marco telling her that he wouldn’t have been able to go certainly has to be attributed in great part to the urgency of the situation, but it might also tell us that she is annoyed by things not going the way she’s used to, that Marco is not the one going with her. And yet she’s ok with Tom accompanying her, and appreciates his help (when he’s not being an ass). This tells us that Star is never actively avoiding Tom, nor that she doesn’t trust him; it’s just that she always goes for Marco whenever anything that’s not holding hands and smooching comes up. Her Mind is on autopilot and keeps chanting “Marco is your squire Tom is your boyfriend” (she quite literally tells this to herself after the kiss in Booth Buddies), but the Heart does what it wants, and Tom’s role as a boyfriend ends up being painfully limited and as deep as a puddle.

Similarly to his interactions with Star and Marco at the beginning of Monster Bash, Tom is definitely not at his best during the first half of the episode. In case anyone doubted the last three hundred times I said it, it becomes clear that he offered to help Star not because he actually cared about Buff Frog - or about how much Star cares about Buff Frog - but because he felt like as a boyfriend he was expected to do that. “Ok I did my job now, can you give me my Good Boyfriend Points already so we can go do couple stuff?”

And, in case you doubted the last two hundred times I said it, we also get a clear indication about how Tom compares himself to Marco, worried about not being better than him. Because he’s not blind and he can see that Star spends way more time with him, and that she involves him much more in her life (it’s a dog biting its own tail situation: Star doesn’t involve Tom in her life, but Tom doesn’t have the drive to truly involve himself in what’s important to Star). Also it wouldn’t be weird at all if things like the Blood Moon dance and Song Day constantly kept gnawing at the back of his mind, a suspicion that there might be something between Star and Marco (whether already in progress or lying in wait). As usual Tom is not a bad person, and most of his mistakes come from deep-seated issues and “bad habits” that he picked up through the years which keep steering him in questionable directions, like putting all of his current self-worth in the success of the relationship (just the relationship, it comes before the person he’s supposed to be in said relationship with herself!).

But then comes Tom’s time to shine: the moment he stops worrying about “I wonder if I’m getting enough Good Boyfriend Points for a kissing session today”, he enters a preview of the Very Good Boi™ state we’re going to see during the finale. He actually tries to help Star and “defend” her and her efforts - something very similar to how he’s going to praise Marco’s leadership skills in Conquer.

Sure, his speech still betrays his self-centered worldviews - it’s all based on his own identity of being a monster, even if he clearly barely suffers any kind of discrimination, and he still tries to relate it to his relationship with Star. But it’s a huge step in the right direction and shows what Tom can achieve when he does something because he feels like that’s the right thing to do, not because he feels like he’s expected to do that (last time it happened, in Demoncism, it brought Star and him close enough again to get back together!).

Special focus on this scene: Star’s expression is almost the exact same one she had during Death Peck (Ngame told you not to forget!), and in both cases a character (Rich Pigeon in that case, Tom here) was talking about the future for Monster and Mewmans, and Mewni, and was showing interest and support in what she wants to do. Obviously Tom is not Rich (with a capital R - he is definitely quite rich, as he points out during his speech); it’s clear that in this episode Star’s sparkly eyes mean something more than a generic “Aw, so inspiring, so cool!”. In this moment she’s truly appreciating what Tom did for her and feels closer to him. But I’m going to go out on a limb here (since this is something we can’t be completely sure until S4 hits, although Conquer elevates my confidence to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Certainty®) and say that this is not a “Star falls even more in love with Tom moment”, because there was never love between the two of them. Tom sees his relationship with Star as a source of smooching and validation, Star sees her relationship with Tom as a source of smooching and (unconsciously) a way to delude herself into thinking the important people in her life have clearly defined roles. This doesn’t stop either of them from honestly enjoying the other’s presence, from helping each other, from truly appreciating what the other does. But that’s friendship, not love.

No one with a pair of eyes can deny that Star was impressed by Tom’s speech and appreciated it, 

but at the same time no one with eyes should be able to deny that their relationship isn’t exactly a functional one; if anything, Booth Buddies and beyond are going to show that not only has nothing changed for Tomstar (thus debunking the interpretations that the ending of Is Another Mystery was turning over a new leaf for their romantic relationship), but that Star’s Mind started drifting more and more toward where her Heart already is. And that’s going to keep happening during the season finale, while Tom is going to keep being more and more useful for Star. What a crazy concept, Star and Tom getting closer as people without their relationship getting any stronger romantically. It’s almost like these kids barely know what they need and want, and that they would have been better off as friends just like Star initially said in Club Snubbed. Because Boyfriend Tom is more concerned about dancing and smooching than Star’s crowning moment as a princess, and Girlfriend Star forgets that Tom is even in the room, but then Friend Tom risks his life to help Marco, Star and her kingdom and is understanding of something like a kiss, and Friend Star is super happy about being able to hug it out with the two most important people in her life.

I honestly don’t feel bad or biased when I say that romance was never what they needed from each other..

MARCO JR.

At face value the episode shows us some of Marco’s flaws that we were already familiar with: tunnel vision, obsessing excessively over one thing at a time, and a tendency to brag about things that are rather minor. This might seem a regression for the character at first glance, and more relevant to his relationship with his parents than to his with Star or Mewni, but it’s actually an “update” on the current state of Marco’s Box. In Is Another Mystery, the first episode where Marco had lines that effectively told us something new about the character since Deep Dive (since in Monster Bash he was mostly there to help Star, and I’m not counting Stump Day), we got to see how eager he is to do squirely things: adventures with Star, try new weapons. In this episode we are indirectly shown even more how obsessed he seems to have grown with his role as a squire, to the point of overlapping it with his own identity. As already said several times, embracing the label Star slapped on him was the only way Marco could find to reconcile his desire to be at Star’s side and help her with the pain his one-sided crush brought him, and that’s brought to its extreme in this episode - and the whole system is finally going to blow in the following episode, Booth Buddies.

Not only are we told that Marco barely had contact with Earth during his stay on Mewni, but it also seems like he’s worried that he might not visit often in the future either.

“But it’s so easy to move around with the scissors, Angie even points it out herself at the end of the episode!” it’s the same situation as the one seen at the beginning of the season: the real separation is emotional, not physical. Marco’s expectations of fun and grandeur for Mewni, and his heart, were shattered soon after his departure: first he tried to partially put them together by having some fun adventures in Night Life, then he understood that he couldn’t force his Mind to drift away from what his Heart wanted anymore and made being Star’s squire his new identity as a self-imposed way to keep his role in her life clear and simple. Marco’s determination allowed him to make such an improbable situation work without having him go (too) mad with grief or run away like Star would have done, but the other side to this coin was, once again, crippling tunnel vision. He can’t even imagine himself being something other than a Squire right now, not even a brother, not even a son visiting his parents: anything else could have shattered the thin walls of the box that was keeping him sane. Clearly by the end of the episode, thanks to some Family Love™ (and a good dose of nightmare fuel) he learns a lesson. By realizing and accepting that there can be more than one thing at a time in his life he shows how much he changed compared to the beginning of the season - one of the main sources of grief has been his incapability, in Scent Of A Hoodie, to consider the nuance that Earth might have held some things that were important to him without necessarily being all he truly wanted, that the kind of life Star let him know was what he needed the most. Marco’s entire tenure in S3 has had his Mind telling him it was all-or-nothing, even when the two sides flipped partway into 3A.

It’s only at this point that the commuting from Earth to Mewni so many fans talked about when Sophomore Slump aired could have been an actual possibility. 

As for Star, as already mentioned earlier, following Deep Dive she fully got into the kind of relationship she had with Marco before S3 as far as the Heart goes (Mind-wise, no. Most definitely not yet). She gets involved in his life, is very feely-touchy, is happy to spend some time with him, and calls him beautiful without questioning it or without considering it weird. Note that the last time Star complimented someone’s appearance was in Demoncism (she says that Tom looks nice in his suit and shirt), and in that case both her Heart and Mind were drifting toward Tom, readying themselves for a relationship and to change what she once thought about the person. It might not be a coincidence that this episode is right before Booth Buddies (excluding Skooled!, but Star and Marco are not in it). Everything is primed to “explode”: Marco sank deeper than ever into the Box but saw what’s outside it (family, Star calling him beautiful) while Star once again enjoys spending time with Marco during casual and relaxed moments, as well as (unconsciously, mostly) considering him The Standard Choice as a companion and partner in anything that’s not strictly boyfriend-only stuff (e.g. hand-holding in Booth Buddies’ opening minutes).

Also she was able to answer to 200 detailed questions about Marco, showing how well she knows her, when just one segment before she didn’t know that Tom was a half monster, or that he had a tail.

Also interesting to note that Marco doesn’t fully hug Star back, nor did he in Stump Day or Deep Dive: while it’s hardly the only time in the show and might be due to stylistic choice/poses fitting the shot, the number of instances suggest that it might be done on purpose. A general reluctance that’s going to be a buildup to him trying to run away from any display of intimacy from Star in Booth Buddies, which itself builds up to the to extreme contrast in Divide, in which he’s going to literally be the one moving into Star’s open arms to hug her.

BOOTH BUDDIES

Since this episode marks a point of no return for the series and for the characters, effectively having Marco make up for what his lack of maturity lead him to do almost one season ago, I’d like to make a quick point about his growth as a character throughout the episodes (some of which I already referenced earlier). This is especially important since his developments haven’t been as central or as linear as Star’s in S2, leading a looot of fans to feel like he hasn’t grown at all. Luckily that’s far from being the truth.

As of the end of last season, Marco is living a pretty normal, safe Earth life and thinks that he has everything he wants. A girlfriend to go on dates with and Star to spend basically all his time with - what more could he ask for? Then the confession and the Battle For Mewni happen; he initially thinks the only rational decision is going back to the aforementioned pretty little life (the one that, after all, he essentially yearned for ever since kindergarten), but he soon realizes that was not what he wanted anymore - that deep down, beyond his Jackie-shaped blinders, Star changed what he looked for from life. But when he arrives on Mewni, he's immediately torn down in EVERY single way. First he’s laughed at by the knights, then River's gift turns out to be a farce, then Star herself shunts him to the sub-basement. And throughout the season he builds himself anew, slowly earning legitimacy as a squire (Night Life plus information given in 3B) and making things right with Star (by helping her with all of her princess duties originally, then apologizing for his ignoring the confession and opening up about his own feelings in Booth Buddies, and even confessing the kiss to Tom). Marco has always been someone who could give excellent suggestions to others (Star and Tom, mostly), but then struggled to apply them to his own life because little to nothing forced him to question his own feelings and actions. Exhibit A: Sleepover. During his speech, he talked about wanting to get to know Jackie, but then barely did that (which was painfully obvious as their relationship went on). He spoke out what he honestly thought he wanted, but when it came time to act, his Heart was not into it because that wasn’t what he truly wanted to begin with. Now, during S3, he went from someone who just coasted by on Earth to someone taking ownership of his own life and his own feelings, trying to be there for his best friend when she needed him most. His biggest hangup was his Mind and Heart odds, for a large part of S2, and him never being confronted with it. He got confronted, he stunk at dealing with it, and then most of season was his journey coming to terms with it. And given that basically every instance of unreliability he's had was a result of his Mind and Heart conflicting, him actually pulling the two together should be one of the biggest things to celebrate about his character progression yet! He hasn't regressed from it ever since, and he's probably never going to - because what Marco lacks in introspection he makes up for in determination.

One common criticism I want to address right now, before we start truly witnessing the beginnings of Star and Marco’s feelings aligning (and before I start gushing over why that’s such a good thing for the characters): “But Star and Marco hurt each other a lot over their feelings and did a lot of wrong things!” That ignores the core of the matter (which itself is a generalization of the last paragraph): virtually all the major, long-lasting problems within the teenage relationships so far are exclusively because of Heart and Mind disagreeing. This doesn’t mean that everything they’ve done to hurt each other or other people gets handwaved away morally, nor does it mean every other character should just step aside to let Star and Marco be together. What it does mean, however, is that none of the characters will be ready to make consistently good decisions about what is best for themselves or others until they have this fundamental self-understanding, this synchronization of Heart and Mind. In Starco’s case what they should agree in, for both of them, is that they like each other (let’s not use the Big L word already, even if after Conquer I think we might be able to start throwing it around). Not being able to admit and accept it is what caused almost all of these issues and rifts between each other, first for Star in S2, then for Marco, and then for Star again (even if with a completely different scope and context). Meanwhile in both Jarco’s and Tomstar’s cases, the issue came from the Mind and Heart disagreement leading the protagonists to get into relationship that didn’t match what they needed at first, then later not even what they wanted. Too long didn’t read version: it isn’t being in love with each other that brings the worst out of Star and Marco, it’s the inability to accept that they are in love. It’s not Starco that brings never-ending feelings drama, it’s the lack of Starco.

And this doesn’t mean that Starco would be completely perfect or issue-free when it happened; no relationship ever is, but those issues take fundamentally different forms when the Heart and Mind aren’t waging war underneath. This would mean there would no longer be any long-term romantic angst arcs anymore, at least not involving main characters, but it’s not as though those are any sort of fundamental cornerstones of the show that it can’t live without. Seasons 1 and 2A went almost entirely free of them, after all, and I know I speak for many people on all sides of shipping debates when I say the show could definitely do without more of this type of drama (even if the ways we’d like to see it resolved once and for all may differ immensely). So what might take its place? Well, there’s obviously all kinds of other sources of drama not related to teenage relationships, but that’s a bit of a cop-out response, so let’s look at relationships themselves. A key trait of healthy committed relationships is that the underlying devotion is unquestionable, that both parties truly have the best interests of each other, or of themselves as a pair, as a foundation of their lives. Starco has had this platonically since almost the very beginning, but this still doesn’t mean it’s bland, perfect, or free of any problems. If you want evidence of this, look no further than the classic Starco moments in S1 and early S2. Cheer Up Star, Sleep Spells, Blood Moon Ball, Storm the Castle, Star on Wheels, Gift of the Card… the list goes on and on and on, and I’m leaving tons out here, but a shared trait of all of these episodes is that Star and/or Marco screw something up in a way that causes strife, with moments of growth after. And since the foundation is so firm, that growth builds up into a veritable fortress, whereas in situations or relationships without that foundation, attempting to pile new things on can simply contribute to the inevitable collapse, even if those new things are positive (Jackie and Marco broke up during one of the strongest moments in the relationship, after all!). In the case of Starco, a dedicated growth arc of their relationship blossoming (with all the hurdles along the way) would be a change of pace from the prior seasons while still providing character/relationship-centric arcs which are rather important to the show - they just don’t have to be unrequited feelings angst. 

Getting to the episode, one of the first scenes reminds us both that Star does enjoy being with Tom-

-and that she seems to lack object permanence when it comes to him, essentially ignoring his existence whenever he’s not physically present and the object of her attention. Obviously I’m exaggerating here, as the scene itself has little to no importance to the episode - Star and Marco were required to be alone inside the booth, Tom was required to be there to make everything even awkward by having him there at the end of the episode, and even in the best of relationships someone might not like what their partner likes. Still, it should be seen along with several other moments throughout the season, and in an episode that has such a strong focus on friendship it’s hard not to make comparisons between Tomstar and Starco and see that the former lacks this fundamental basis (which, among other elements, already doomed Jarco.

Star wants to take pictures specifically with Marco and reminisces about all the memories that the photo booth holds; this episode confirms that “friendship” and “love” are one and the same by now to for dorks, so having Star be so focused on her friendship with Marco holds a huge meaning. It tells us what I’ve been saying ever since Deep Dive: by now her Heart is completely focused on Marco, and her Mind consciously knows how important he is to her as well. The only thing that’s stopping her are The Boxes. They’re a completely new way of ignoring an issue compared to her S2 self: Star’s relationship with Marco slowly grew to be once again as strong (maybe stronger, on account of how much more involved in her life he is now) than it ever was, but with any strictly romantic feelings displaced to Tom. We could say that right now Star feels for Marco the same way she felt at the beginning of S3, post confession and pre-Scent Of A Hoodie, while displacing anything even slightly reminiscent of romantic affection on Tom - and only that. “Marco is my best friend, and my squire, and he helps me with everything, and I like spending time with him, and he’s cute and handsome, he’s an amazing friend. And Tom is my boyfriend”. Needless to say that by the end of the episode this is going to change, because things are so ready to explode, both for Star and Marco, that a small push is going to be enough to take them over the edge.

With the exception of the dubbing vows in Lint Catcher, this is the first time in the season that Star talks about being best friends with Marco. It tells us how much she wanted this, how ready things were, and how much it must hurt Marco. Because Squire Marco can stay at Star’s side without constantly thinking about how much he loves her. Bestie Marco can’t.

This also explains why Marco is so eager to leave, so “annoyed” by this adventure that shoves everything he has been trying to ignore for months into his face.

Marco always liked their adventures, and he does still like them - look how eager he was to look for Buff Frog just one episode earlier - as long as they they don’t involve feelings. As long as they don’t require Marco to remember just how special Star is to him. Star thinks that nothing has changed, or at least she's deluded herself into that: her Mind essentially completely regressed the progresses she made in S2, but her Heart has only grown so much closer to Marco since then. And, it shouldn’t be underestimated, she has matured a lot. She might still be easily blind to the truth, but once it gets revealed to her she’s more ready to accept it now, doesn’t run away as much as she used to anymore (and that’s why their relationship remains changed after this episode, the effects carrying over to the season finale).

But NOPE, things have changed, things are different. They are different for Marco, but they are different for Star as well: Star’s concept of love has been molded around Marco (who replaced Oskar, who himself was just a silly crush with absolutely no basis that wasn’t physical or hormonal), she more or less realized it in Starcrushed, and - even if she honestly moved on, romantically speaking, for a couple of episodes - she could never erase the meaning Marco holds in her life. Things couldn’t go back to the way they were; no matter if she had another boyfriend, no matter if she truly didn’t even romantically like Marco anymore for a time.

There’s a parallel between Star in Starcrushed, saying that pretending her feelings weren’t there didn’t make them go away, and Marco, saying that pretending that things aren’t different is getting harder and harder. But the mindset was vastly different: Star was actively trying to ignore everything because she didn’t want to deal with it, Marco fully accepted it and was just trying to work with the kind of situation he found himself in.

The moment Star understands that Marco likes her.

By not addressing Star’s confession, Marco threw a wrench in their relationship, and even if things got way, way better again, that specific gear was still stuck until this moment. By acknowledging his faults, the situation could finally evolve, and their relationship along with it. Marco says that he acted “like a Marco”, showing that he’s aware of what his flaws are/were. Star confirms that it hurt her, a lot, but at the same time that she is not angry and understands that the situation was far from being easy for both of them (after all, it’s not as though her confession was the most well-timed thing either). This is a genuine bona-fide heart-melting moment of emotional intimacy, two kids talking their hearts out like they haven’t done ever since Blood Moon Ball.

And Star is in complete sync with Marco (even if they’re not saying the same things, this time): she already went through this and understands how hard it must have been for Marco, and as such she tries to make him comfortable.

Why do I keep saying that this episode confirmed that FRIENDSHIP and LOVE are one thing only as far as Starco is considered? Because of this scene. No one ever told them that they had to kiss to get out the booth, all they knew is that they had to take the right photo. And they had been trying to take BEST FRIEND photos all this time. And that’s what Marco set his mind to, in that moment. And as soon as he gets out from his box for a moment and focuses on how Star is his very best friend, he kisses her. And when Star gets out from her box for a moment and realizes that things between her and Marco are different and have always been different (no matter how much she tries to displace her feelings), she kisses him.

The moment both of them accepted all the weight of their relationship, their Minds and Hearts fully agreed on each other - even if for a fleeting moment - and they kiss.

Who kissed who? Marco is probably the one who initiated the kiss; he turned toward Star first, and he’s the one who has a better idea of where his feelings lie. But it was reciprocal, completely reciprocal. Star leans in more than Marco does, she closes her eyes, she doesn’t try to shy away, and she even looks for more physical contact by moving her arms on Marco’s ones. For a couple of seconds Marco didn’t try to box away what he felt anymore, and Star forgot to repeat to herself that Tom is the object of her romantic feelings, even if Marco is the object of almost literally any other kind of feelings.

An interesting detail: while it’s fully possible that the photo strip printed by the booth is different because props and animations are handled by different teams, there’s also the possibility that the pictures show us what happened during the flashes (when the screen turns white) preventing us from seeing the moments themselves, with the frames we see in the booth itself being between the photos. If this was intentional, it would mean that Star’s arms weren’t on Marco originally and that she moved them only a moment later as she got more into the kiss. I have no way of knowing for sure what is the case, but there are no doubts that it was reciprocal even without this extra evidence. It doesn’t really matter if it’s just a mistake and nothing more, but it would still be sign of a certain level of passion.

Immediately after the kiss Star and Marco try to dive inside their boxes again: Star says that Marco is her squire, as if that should have magically stopped them from kissing, and Marco remarks that he takes the job very seriously, as if re-reaffirming his identity could have stopped the feelings from overflowing and tearing down all the protective walls he built himself over the months. Star doesn’t even immediately say that she has a boyfriend (that comes second), and she puts “boyfriend” and “Tom” in two separate lines. If this is not indicative of the nature of The Boxes I talked about so much, of how they both used clear labels to manage unwanted feelings, nothing can ever be.

Luckily their behavior in Divide is going to show us that said boxes have been irreparably damaged, and even if I’m sure it’s still going to take a bit of time and a non-zero number of pushes in S4 for Starco to happen, there’s no going back now. Their Hearts already knew that things were different, and knew their Minds had to come to terms with it as well; there might still be some conflict left caused by the situation (Tom, dating a princess, huge step from friends to couple), but they are not disagreeing actively anymore, the Mind is not actively trying to filter, sidestep, or silence the Heart anymore.

Brief digression that’s connected to the episode, but to the whole show as well: both us viewers and the characters were lead to believe that the booth was magical. Marco even attributes his actions to this belief, saying he was just trying to get themselves out.

Ben could even look like a stand-in for rabid shippers, “You were so cute while standing next to each other, I knew you had to kiss!”. Does this mean that Starco was forced? BEGONE, THO(UGH)T. I already mentioned this before: the show is extremely good at not forcing anything when feelings and relationships are involved. Blood Moon Ball? The romantic fancy magic dance did NOTHING; Star and Marco had to talk things out to settle the incomprehensive rifts that arose during the episode. Face The Music? Context makes it likely that Star never explicitly told Ruberiot about her feelings, but some combination of the hug he saw and whatever she told him about Marco gave him a clue. When the entire point of the song is Star coming clean with a ton of things she’s been trying to run from, it’s completely fitting for those feelings to be included in the mix. Club Snubbed? It’s perhaps the most “arbitrary” relationship moment in the season, since Tom came into Star’s life out of the blue, and yet even in that case everything that happened was based on events we already knew and on state of minds for both characters we were already familiar with.

Booth Buddies is no exception: Star wasn’t gonna let Marco go away well before Ben actually sealed the door, as she could feel something was off and wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. The characters were already more than primed for this to happen; there was already a mountain of feelings ready to explode because several episodes before this had slowly tugged each aspect of the situation to the brink of its breaking point. At that point, the specifics of the triggering situation aren’t that important. This is a TV show for kids with magical elements, and the trigger events obviously have to be a bit over the top, weird, unusual. The same events that took place in this episode could have easily happened on Star’s couch, had she suddenly decided that she wanted to watch Fiesta De La Noche with Marco, their friendship blanket being the “closed space” that blocked them together.

Event that triggers a change ≠ All the buildup that allows the event to actually have effects

Also, as a further evidence to back this up, the situation felt as weird to the characters as it felt to us throughout the season; Star could feel that something was wrong and different in their relationship, even if we got supposedly normal episodes such as Trial By Squire, Deep Dive and Marco Jr.

Honesty has been an important theme to the show since S2  - from Star telling the truth about Glossaryck to her parents (and then to the whole kingdom), to Moon having to be honest with the Magic High Commission, to Marco having to tell the truth as Princess Turdina, to the truth about Meteora... this time we can only hope that the characters are going to be honest not only with each other, but with themselves. That’s the key to having Mind and Heart agree, the key to them getting over the dissonance that has plagued them for dozens of episodes now, the key to having their own heads screwed on straight enough to stop getting into situations where they unwittingly hurt themselves and the ones they care about. Simply put, it’s the key to Starco and all the good that comes with it.

Tom’s lines are shamefully unsubtle in how much they seem to mirror what was happening to Star in that moment, while her thousand-yard stare tells us that the night had quite the effect on her.

To conclude this episode: does Star know that Marco likes her now? Yes. Her reactions throughout the episode make it clear enough, even if she might still not know to what extent, or might be trying not to think too hard about it.

Does Marco knows that Star likes him as well, if with what little remains of the Boxes is still filtering her feelings (we still went from Plexiglass wall to wire fence with big holes)? Harder to tell. I’d go with “no”: during the kiss they both had their eyes closed, and he’s likely the one who initiated it, so he wouldn’t be able to think of Star reciprocating as a conclusive enough evidence (her immediately talking about his role as a squire and Tom being her boyfriend after the kiss might have further contributed). His panicked reaction, trying to “shift the blame” of his action to what he thought about the booth, would also be consistent with it - and a very understandable panicked reaction. Note that in Conquer he tells Tom “I kissed Star”: regardless of his immediate reaction he then never pretends to be blameless, and owns up to his actions.

DIVIDE / CONQUER

Star has a hard time handling everything alone, and feels like she needs help, someone who can think for themselves and with who she can share some of the overbearing load of her life. I wonder who that might be.

And no, it’s not Lavabo.

I spent most of the post pointing out how Star always defaults to Marco when she needs a hand with something, so it might seem weird that he has to remind her that she can use him this time. But given the context it’s understandable - as Star’s on-edge reactions are. After all, they needed a reason to give us such a fanservice-like scene as Marco fighting Star’s spells. Furthermore, considering how the extreme relief she feels when she thinks he’s safe near the beginning of Conquer, and her similarly charged reaction to finding out he’s “gone”, it’s quite possible she’s reluctant to send him into the fray now because she’s fully cognizant of how important he is to her, of how much she values his mere presence by her side, and doesn’t want to risk that. It’s also nice to see the kind of devotion and serious commitment to his role Marco has, ready to risk his life to help Star - and to prove himself. Remember that Marco has always had kind of a “cocky” streak going, in this case a more positive side-effect of a low self-esteem and a strong desire to take on whatever task he currently put his mind onto to its fullest.

The abs scene is probably mostly a gag, but it also is indicative of how much more Star is letting her Heart take the wheel: indelicate toward Tom being her boyfriend, probably, but so was kissing Marco, and so too will to her almost exclusive focus on Marco for most of Conquer be. There’s plenty of other factors for the last one - most notably Marco being “dead” for most of it - but it still shows where Star’s interests are when she’s too busy to listen to the (now fainter) voice in her Mind repeating “Tom = boyfriend”

This scene here might be the strongest indication of romantic feelings throughout the whole show, even more than any kiss: not only are blushes super rare (in serious contexts), making them important and meaningful, but Star turning around to hide her cheeks confirms to us that she’s aware of what she is feeling and of what it means. I don’t mean to imply that Star’s Mind has kicked Tom to the curb or is calmly and consciously thinking “Boy howdy, I sure do fully romantically love Marco and feel no romantic attraction towards Tom anymore!” In a less heated moment, in S4, it’s going to take her some thinking and some sort of push(es) to put once and for all an end to her internal disagreement, but this moment still tells us that Star, right now, knows that she likes Marco.

Also, why is she blushing? Because right now Marco is being everything that Star looks for from a partner, the “ideal” image of a companion that she created during the months spent with him. He’s being considerate, worried about her wellbeing and safety, proactive and dependable. And the fact that he was just done looking cool and is now glistening with sweat and determination probably helped.

This line is huge. Marco talks about “best friends” for the first time in the season, after having spent a dozen episodes trying to repress the concept of “I’m Star’s bestie” as much as possible, replacing it with his role as a squire. This tells us that Booth Buddies had huge consequences for both of them: this time, when they were faced with the evidence that things are different, they didn’t try to uselessly pretend they could go back to what they were. Marco still knows that he can’t be with Star right now, that she and Tom are still a thing (and his confession to Tom later confirms he respects that Tom is her boyfriend), and as I said before I don’t think he’s even all that aware that Star still reciprocates his feelings. But this doesn’t stop him anymore, this doesn’t hurt him as much as it used to because now there are no more emotional barriers between him and Star. The situation is not perfect yet, and there are still things they have to work out, but now he truly feels like their relationship is not as one-sided anymore.

For those familiar with Pokémon, imagine this: Star and Marco’s relationship has been consistently leveling up for the whole show, and could have evolved a while ago, but following Scent Of A Hoodie they kept pressing “B” every time. Their relationship was much stronger than a pre-evolution had any right to be during that time, but was still held back compared to its potential. They made a resolution in Booth Buddies to not press “B” again, but they haven’t quite gotten enough EXP to level up again after that. Once they do, once they have that final push over the edge, it will finally evolve - and as a consequence of their actions, the evolved form will start out at a much higher level, and will be much stronger, than other freshly-evolved ones .

It’s also the first time in the season Marco comforts Star; he asks her to open up emotionally, something that happened often during S1 and S2, and that stopped when he decided that being her Squire meant setting for himself boundaries he shouldn’t overstep. I think it’s fair to make a comparison with Tom in Is Another Mystery here: Marco is more than eager to listen to what concerns Star has, and he asks her not to hide it before she says anything - compared to how Tom felt like he was expected to listen to his girlfriend’s griefs only after she complained about not having anyone to talk with about it. I’m not making this comparison out of spite, I just want to point out the differences between the characters: they are certainly explainable by several elements and by different contexts, I’m not holding it against Tom, but it still speaks volumes about what (who) Star wants and needs, and who she expected Tom to be, essentially. Marco ruined other boys for Star.

This is hardly the first time Star and Marco hugged when other people were present, why did they blush this time? Because Friendship and Love are completely woven together now. Obviously this doesn’t mean that they’re going to blush every time, that they can’t share platonic moments anymore, but there is always going to be a base of romantic feelings - dare I say, of love - accompanying them. They managed to get their relationship to “stagnate” for the longest time, but following Booth Buddies and the realizations it brought, there were only two roads left for it: to die, or to grow and evolve. It’s clear what they chose (THANK GOD).

While it might have not been addressed simply for the sake of the episode’s flow, it seems like Star never involved Tom in all of this, again, and Marco is the one who got him involved. Sadly nothing new.

Tom is extremely sincere here while apologizing to Marco’s for what he did in the past, and doesn’t feel like he needs to be in “competition” with him anymore. Being brutally honest for a moment here: Marco appreciates his presence more than Star ever did! Not that Star doesn’t like spending time with Tom, we have seen that, but when has she ever said she was glad Tom was there? Sure Star is not present in this specific moment, but even during Conquer he’s not once going to worry about Star focusing all of her attention on Marco. It seems like he has genuinely grown from his experience in Is Another Mystery, from having seen how it feels to do something because you care about the thing or the person, and not because you feel obligated to do it because of a label.

And this is even more true in Conquer: Tom characterizes himself not as Star’s boyfriend, but as Marco’s friend. And from that moment he’s the chillest, most altruistic self he has ever been. He risks his life, sure, but that doesn’t mean much because life and death situations are almost always handled in a selfless way in cartoons - even Pony Head was ready to risk her life. What really matters is the way he behaves in the second half of the episode, when he meets up with Star and doesn’t care if she doesn’t pay attention to him - he keeps trying to help her and Marco.

He doesn’t want to protect Star because “that’s- that’s something boyfriends do, right?”, but because he promised his friend Marco he would have done it, and because he cares about Star.

I truly think (while always being humble enough to say that we can’t know for sure what the future of the show holds) that this is what Tom’s growth is going to be all about from now on: becoming just a friend. Back in Club Snubbed I said that Tom does grasp his faults and main flaws, and is sincerely looking to make strides to overcome them, but that his deep-seated issues kept steering him toward the only thing he was familiar with and that made him feel a little better as a person (i.e. his relationship with Star). With Is Another Mystery and Divide/Conquer he finally seemed to be able to do things for the sake of people - both himself and others, and not for the sake of “symbols” like Brian and his badges or his relationship with Star and its “good boyfriend points”. Yes, he actually kinda did that in Demoncism as well, but at that time he jumped into it without really knowing why he was doing it and still looked at things from the wrong perspective. Back in Conquer again, he even takes Marco’s side and fully accepts that he’s the one in the spotlight now, the one making the plans, and that right now the best thing he can do is be one of his “pawns”; this is a big improvement compared to Is Another Mystery when he was compelled to think he had to be the protagonist, even if he didn’t really feel like it and evidently didn’t really know what he had to do to help Star (also it continues the streak of the second part of the season of Marco’s personality traits being portrayed as positive qualities rather than flaws). 

In case the panic and regret that followed the kiss in Booth Buddies weren’t enough to prove that it was seen as a bad action by the characters, something they shouldn’t have done regardless of how useful it was to their relationship and how much they might have wanted it in that instant, we have this scene with Marco confessing to Tom that he kissed Star. Note that he says “I kissed Star”, not “We kissed”: right now Marco is overwhelmed by guilt, and he doesn’t think about how reciprocal or not it might have been, he just feels like he has to tell Tom (who just called him his “best friend”) what a monster he has been behind his back. And Tom, the same guy who once threatened to kill him because he merely thought he was dating Star when they weren’t even together (Mr. Candle Cares), now accepts the fact and endangers his life for Marco’s sake, for his “commander” who he trusts with planning something to make things better.

A lot has been said about Star’s utter desperation at Marco becoming a balloon. Obviously that’s to be expected - who wouldn’t be shocked by seeing their best friend be mostly-dead? But we can still make some assumptions, based on the way Star behaved, that tell us where her Heart is beyond the absolutely non-standard context of the moment. As soon as she hears that Marco is back Star goes from sad and dejected from not having been able to get her mom back,

to smiling and being anxious to meet with him. Obviously she was happy to know that he was still alive - or so she thought - but I think it’s also because in that moment Star felt more alone than ever, having realized that her mom wouldn’t have been back to help with Meteora, and that Marco was the last person she had she could fully trust, her “lifeline”. Tom was there too, he was helping her and her kingdom too, but he didn’t have the same effect on her.

This explains why Star ignores Meteora destroying her kingdom behind her back to focus solely on Marco: without him she feels lost, not only because she’s worried about her friend, but because she lost the last major symbol of her hope that allowed her to think that they might make it through this after all.

And this is why she immediately decides to drop everything and “abandon her kingdom” to go heal Marco at the Sanctuary. A strong parallel with Moon at the beginning of the season: the Queen decided to abandon her kingdom for the sake of her daughter, but Star disapproved of her decision and went to take on Toffee head-on,  showing a strong sense of duty when it came to defending her family and people. Now it’s Star’s turn to see what/who she cares about the most be endangered. And she, too, puts it before the sake of everything else (temporarily, though: we see the difference between Moon and Star here, when she decides to still go back and face Meteora). Star being shocked and distraught by Marco’s fate doesn’t tell us much, it’s a rather expected reaction. But the way she drops everything for his sake, retracing her mother’s actions at the beginning of the season? That’s what tells us that right now Marco is the most important person in the world to Star.

Marco > Kingdom (until she realizes what kind of duties she has, obviously). Kinda expected, most cartoons and TV shows have characters putting the lives of their loved ones before that of a lot of other people, but it’s still meaningful.

Once again, it’s not like Star doesn’t appreciate Tom or doesn’t like spending time with him or can’t find comfort in him as well. But the sheer amount of moments that showed Star putting Marco over Tom whenever she wasn’t solely focused on boyfriend stuff can’t be ignored, and has to be intentional. 

As I anticipated earlier, we get confirmation that Star never told Tom about her new powers. If taken individually both this scene and her “Don’t tell Tom” one in Sweet Dreams can be seen mostly as gags, but when considered together, along with all the other similar instances, they paint a clear picture of a Star who is not proactive in involving Tom in her life, who doesn’t feel like that’s a priority or something that could truly make the difference and be necessary to her. I have no doubts that Star would have still been distraught had Tom been the festive party balloon instead of Marco, but with Marco still at her side she probably wouldn’t have felt as hopeless, she wouldn’t have dropped everything immediately. This is where the bulk of the difference between Marco and Tom is: only the former is seen by Star, consciously or not, as a completely fundamental part of her life.

Since this is a relationship analysis, we’ll jump ahead to after the epic anime fight and the defeat of Meteora. The moment people start turning back, Star immediately scans the room to look for Marco, and runs toward him: nothing weird, as far as the reactions of the character go, but consider that we just got the climax of the episode with Eclipsa ultra-murdering her own daughter. The show still decides to break the tension by showing us that Star is utterly focused on Marco, and only on Marco, even when the immediate dangers seems to be over, even when things are getting better, even when she saw Tom get brutally knocked out minutes earlier and knows he’s still out cold in the corner. Compare it to Toffee; in that case we got people being happy for Star’s “resurrection”, but the scene was much shorter, the focus got moved away from Toffee for just two shots and a handful of seconds, while in this case the focus is completely on Star and Marco (and then Tom).

I love the “I got you” line here, as I think it’s a very Star-like way to express how important Marco is in her life and how much happiness it brings her when he truly feeling his presence, that she “has him”. The pose is also kind of reminiscent of the hug in Demoncism, and while the context and amount of buildup was completely different it might still tell us where Star’s Heart is in this moment - since in the aforementioned case it was about three minutes away from making her hook up with Tom. Meanwhile the Mind is too busy being happy to worry about boxes, labels, and Tom. This hug is similar to the one in Toffee, but while in that case the relief was a “silent” one, because both Star and Marco hadn’t really questioned the nature of their relationship yet (Star kinda did, by accepting her feelings, but she was still rather passive on it following the moment in Starcrushed), this one speaks volumes about what’s important to them. Something something you don’t know how much you care about someone until you lose them. And in this case the loss wasn’t Star leaving or Marco “dying”, but the walls that separated them from most of the season.

It’s also the first time we get tears of happiness in a serious context since the hug in Gift Of The Card (and even in that case the scene, while serious to the characters, was comically charged to us viewers, with Marco talking about them becoming charred skeletons and all that). I don’t know if it’s intentional, but the shot shares resemblances with the one from Starcrushed: in that case Star was crying because she was about to lose Marco (and Earth and her friends and all that, sure), in this case she’s happy because she “got” Marco once again.

While we are going to have to wait for S4 to be completely sure, Tom’s line here seems to be incredibly important. He’s clearly aware that he’s being a “third wheel” in this immediate, intimate moment between them, and (given the context of all of his recent developments) may very well understand on a deeper level what’s going on, what’s best not only for Star and Marco but for himself as well. (Who knows how long Star and Marco would have kept staring at each other if he stayed unconscious against the wall?). 

Jackie in Sophomore Slump broke up with Marco not only for his sake, but also because she understood that she would have been hurt in the process as well and that she deserved someone who truly considered her his best friend. Similarly, I think that what we saw in these two episodes has been a Tom who - hard to tell how consciously - experienced a kind of bond with others that he barely ever scratched in the past (mostly in Friendenemies), and he liked it enough not to make him worry about Star not paying attention to him, about Marco having kissed her. All three characters fully prioritize the bonds they have over the labels that were affixed to them (with the result resembling Starco as a deep, emotionally intimate relationship bordering on romantic, with Tom as a fantastic friend to the pair), and all three seem more emotionally fulfilled because of it than they’ve ever been.

I see it like this: while it’s clear that Tom likes kissing and smooching and intimacy and all that, the main drive behind his relationship with Star is the usual, misguided need for validation I talked about so much. “Being with Star and the relationship work is proof that I’m improving as a person, a sign of my success”. At the end of Is Another Mystery, in a misguided and still partial way, and much more during the season finale, Tom experienced fulfillment and satisfaction through other means. Marco appreciated his friendship and help,

 he had the chance to save the day - even if it didn’t work,

and Star found comfort in him and and was happy to see him be alive and well and to hug him, even if he technically interrupted her moment with Marco

All of this without ever bringing up his role as a boyfriend. Star didn’t do it either, the episode didn’t do it (if we exclude Meteora mocking her). I don’t think that Tom will necessarily immediately say “Yeah Star go to Marco we cool” in S4, and I wouldn’t like it either, and it’s also possible that it’s going to take him some time, after the inevitable breakup, to be fine with Star and Marco kissing and going hand in hand, but this scene here, in the context of everything that happened during the episodes, makes me think that he has a deeper understanding of what has to happen and of how things would be better for everyone, regardless of what he feels like at a surface level. This doesn’t mean sacrificing his own happiness for Marco and Star, it means that he saw for himself that he was happier and more fulfilled when he was Star and Marco’s friend during a life and death situation than he was while being Star’s boyfriend during a party.

(Well, I asked earlier how long they would have kept staring at each other if he didn’t show up. And the fact that they didn’t stop even when he did gives us a pretty clear answer.)

CONCLUSIONS

Where does this leave us moving forward into Season 4? In a good place for Star, Marco, and Tom as characters, as friends, and most importantly as people who care about each other. It’s impossible to predict what is exactly going to happen next season, and even more so when, since plot and episodes not focused on the main cast are often used to pace the development of relationships and romance, but we can be sure that something is going to happen sooner rather than later. After all, it’s worth remembering that Starcrushed and Battle for Mewni pushed them past the “points of no return” (arguably LESS intensely than Booth Buddies or Divide/Conquer did), and all the major, required aftershocks happened within 4 episodes! As for the “what”, Star and Tom have both been put in a situation that absolutely requires them to have a meaningful talk about their relationship; while they might initially try to avoid it I can’t imagine an episode where they interact (in a more than ten seconds long cameo way, at least) without big changes taking place. And right now a breakup is the only real option left, because anything else, any flavor of “getting over their mistakes and learning from them” would characterize their relationship as something that it’s not, and that we have been shown it’s never going to be. The core issue in Tomstar as a committed romantic relationship is not the lack of effort itself, but the lack of fundamental bases that can justify some kind of real effort and investment.

It’s trickier to imagine what might be in store for Star and Marco, since the nature of their relationship and personalities (along with TV shows usually wanting to keep pacing the biggest changes throughout the season) could very easily make for a delayed official hookup. But, at the same time, as of the season finale they both stopped trying to limit the way they enjoy their relationship and emotional intimacy. Unless things relapse a bit once the immediate danger is over and their lives get a little bit less stressful, I can easily imagine their relationship be a mix of platonic and romantic well before a hookup, with their dynamics evolving until they’re both ready to make it official and completely conscious. It’s also quite easily possible that these semi-conscious realizations they’ve been having about how much they value each other and their relationship fully erupt on the surface rather quickly, leading to a committed romantic relationship that they can begin tackling as a team.

Regardless, the show has proven to me over and over again that it consistently drives along arcs in preparation for payoff, and that it neither delivers it before the characters are ready nor arbitrarily holds it back for artificial suspense. Whatever happens is incredibly likely to be fitting for the characters’ developments at the time

And to truly conclude, a consideration for all those fans who might have felt alienated by this latest chapter in the show’s history (that includes me!), or disappointed by the apparent lack of real, committed changes to the status quo of the relationship during the finale. This season certainly had more “drama” than we have been used to in the past, and this lead several events that could have happened earlier, had things been slightly different, to be significantly delayed. But at the same time it allowed for all the situations to evolve and get close to the peak of their potential payoff before the actual change even happened: Marco chose Mewni as the place he might want to spend the rest of his life in, Star experienced the full extent of how indispensable Marco is to her and what kind of importance he has in her life, Tom experienced on his skin the difference in fulfillment and positivity about himself that being a boyfriend and being a friend bring him, Star and Marco experienced the pain separation brings them and the alienation/dissatisfaction not being able to experience their relationship to its fullest bring them. All of this before Starco happened, before Tomstar ended. Both the situation and the characters are already incredibly primed up for the changes that are surely going to take place next season, and the moment the relationships change they’re all going to have a three mile headstart compared to what could have been had things been sped up. Compared to what Starco might have been had it happened as soon as the situation barely allowed for it, instead of waiting for both dorks to WANT and NEED it.

[akaluan]

Crack crossover: Dragon Wings/Dragon Eclipse Pt4

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | ???

((and a scene from Jyuushiro’s pov bc why not.))

Jyuushiro took in the way Sasaki’s shoulders lowered minutely the moment they crossed the ward-lines of the Ugendo. Even the man’s carefully controlled reiatsu gained a calmer edge the further they walked along the path towards Jyuushiro’s home. It was clear Sasaki felt at home here on the grounds, just as much as he felt at home around Jyuushiro and Shunsui and Unohana.

(It was interesting to watch Sasaki’s movements, to listen to his voice, and /recognize/ bits and pieces of his mannerisms.)

(How close were they in his world, that he would adopt mannerisms from all of them?)

“Are you hungry?” Jyuushiro asked as he slid open the door and stepped through, pausing to trade his sandals for house slippers.

“I could eat,” Sasaki agreed, reaching out absently to an empty spot, then freezing with a grimace as his hand closed over nothing instead of the slippers he was clearly expecting. His gaze skittered to Jyuushiro then away, and he stiltedly pulled on a pair of guest slippers, shoulders rigid and reiatsu drawing inward.

Jyuushiro bit back a frown, wishing desperately that Shunsui had come home with him instead of staying to help sort out the mess left behind. Perhaps he shouldn’t have offered his home to Sasaki, but the man had seemed /relieved/, initially, and had been relaxing on their walk up.

Jyuushiro wasn’t blind. Sasaki had deliberately chosen to approach the three of them out of every being gathered, even the well-loved teens. Had seemed almost /disturbed/ by the teens — or perhaps by Urahara? He hadn’t caught the direction of the man’s gaze close enough to be certain.

“I’ll see what’s available, then,” Jyuushiro told Sasaki with a smile, then glanced over the man thoughtfully, taking in the small signs of disarray. “Would you prefer a fresh set of clothing? I’m certain I have some spare that will fit.”

Sasaki hesitated, then slowly nodded. “If it’s no bother,” he said. “I’ve been on my feet and moving for… two days now, I believe.”

“As have we,” Jyuushiro agreed. He led Sasaki down one of the hallways and gestured towards the bathroom. “If you’d like to get clean while I find you something fresh. I’ll leave the clothing just outside the door for you.”

He didn’t miss the flicker of relief across Sasaki’s face, no matter how quickly the man smoothed it out with a pleasant, warm smile. “Thank you,” Sasaki said, inclining his head in a small bow. “I appreciate your hospitality, Ukitake-san.”

“It’s the least I can do,” Jyuushiro countered, then stepped back and turned to head to his room, leaving Sasaki to clean off as thoroughly as the man wanted.

‘What difference in our worlds to produce a man like him,’ Jyuushiro wondered, as he sorted through his clean clothing. ‘Who /is/ he? He feels… familiar?’

He closed his eyes and breathed out, settling his mind and opening his senses. Sasaki was a beacon of power, carefully banked but still obvious at this distance. He’d only met a few people with such power at their disposal: the Soutaicho, Urahara Kaito, and… Kurosaki Ichigo.

Jyuushiro considered that as he folded the clothing and set it by the door to the bathroom. Just like Urahara Kaito felt similar to Urahara /Kisuke/, so too did Sasaki Uryuu feel similar to several of the teens that Urahara Kaito surrounded himself with.

But it was too close of a similarity to be anything but direct relation. From a man who held himself with the confidence of age and experience.

(An alternate reality.)

(Something about that niggled at his mind.)

Jyuushiro shook his head and went in to check the kitchen, making a pleased noise at the sight of the already-prepared food set under a small kido barrier. The servants had made plenty, he figured after a moment of consideration; they’d likely expected him to return with Shunsui at his side.

Either way, by the time Sasaki had returned from his shower, Jyuushiro had set the food out at the table and settled in to wait with a cup of tea. Like he’d suspected, Sasaki had no problem finding his way to the dining room, and the man seemed comfortable in Jyuushiro’s clothing, like he was used to the way the kimono was slightly too large on him.

“Thank you for this,” Sasaki said with a small bow, then took a seat across from Jyuushiro. He absently flicked his hands, nudging back the hems of the sleeves so his hands were free. “I appreciate it.”

Jyuushiro smiled warmly at Sasaki, and gestured for Sasaki to serve himself, noting the sort of items that he seemed to prefer. Dinner passed in quiet, idle conversation, nothing that would reveal anything truly important, just… simple things.

Like the state of Jyuushiro’s pond, and how many koi were currently living in it. Or the annoyances of paperwork. Little amusing anecdotes of their lives that gave only small insights into the worlds they lived in.

When they were done, Sasaki stood before Jyuushiro could, stacking up many of the dishes and carrying them back into the kitchen.

“You don’t have to—”

“Perhaps not, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t,” Sasaki cut him off with a dry look, already sorting the dishes out and giving them a basic cleaning. “Your other self already lost this argument,” he pointed out, tone bland.

“Be that as it may, you are my guest,” Jyuushiro tried again, only to blink at the mild, kind, /dangerous/ smile that Sasaki gave him in response. The sort of smile /he/ used whenever someone tried to suggest he rest when he didn’t need it. “You are… far too skilled at that.”

“Learned from the best,” Sasaki agreed, setting aside the dishes for the servants to give a thorough cleaning to later and drying off his hands. “More tea?”

“I… yes, please.”

It felt odd for a stranger to be serving him in his own home, but Sasaki did it with the ease of long habit. He didn’t need to ask where anything was, simply pulled out the kettle and set water on to boil. Then he brought down the teapot that Jyuushiro often used, glanced at Jyuushiro once, then selected one of the tins of tea leaves without question.

It was even odder to realize that Sasaki had selected the tea that Jyuushiro had been about to suggest.

(They really were close, weren’t they?)

They settled on his porch, a small table between them to hold their tea and the darkening grounds before them. The silence was more comfortable than Jyuushiro expected it to be, and he could already see the tension unwinding from Sasaki’s shoulders the longer they sat and simply drank tea.

Until, with a quiet sigh, Sasaki set aside his empty cup and tipped his head back to stare up at the dark sky above them. “Thank you for this,” he murmured. “I know you’re not /my/ Ukitake-ji-san, but still… thank you. I appreciate you going out of your way for a stranger like this.”

“You and he are close,” Jyuushiro said, turning Sasaki’s words over in his mind. Sasaki considered his Ukitake his uncle, and not simply as a way to lower Jyuushiro’s guard around him. He’d suspected it, but… confirmation on the relationship was nice.

“Initially against my will,” Sasaki admitted. “But he, Kyoraku-ji-san, and Unohana-ba-san didn’t let me be until I gave in.” He shrugged and tilted his head enough to give Jyuushiro a tiny, true smile. “They were all quite persistent.”

Jyuushiro chuckled softly and poured himself the last of the tea. “We can be, yes. Was there any particular reason, or..?”

“Ukitake-ji-san and Kyoraku-ji-san used the excuse of my zanpakutou being a dual blade.” At Jyuushiro’s surprised look, Sasaki smirked and nodded. “Yes, exactly.”

(Yet another dual blade user.)

(It /niggled/ at his mind… what was he overlooking?)

“I’m still not entirely certain what Unohana-ba-san saw that interested her,” Sasaki said. “She just… started involving herself.”

Jyuushiro hummed in thought, eyeing Sasaki out of the corner of his eye. There was a chance that Unohana-taicho got involved simply because /they/ had gotten involved, but Jyuushiro somehow doubted that. His instincts were telling him there was more to it than that.

Sasaki brought a hand up, covering a yawn, then gave Jyuushiro a sheepish look. “Sorry. I should probably get some sleep.”

“Understandable,” Jyuushiro said, rising to his feet. “Come, let me set up the guest room for you. And maybe lend a hair brush?” he asked, eyeing Sasaki’s striped, hip-length hair that was free of its previous braid. Sasaki’s hair had a distinctive wave to it, even damp as it still was, and Jyuushiro knew how much difficulty Shunsui had with /his/ hair.

Sasaki hesitated, then gave Jyuushiro another small, true smile. “That would be appreciated, thank you. Finger-combing is only so useful with hair like this.”

He chuckled. “Shunsui complains of the same thing.”

“Kyoraku-ji-san just complains so you’ll brush his hair for him,” Sasaki said with amusement. “He’s lazy like that.”

“I’m aware,” Jyuushiro replied dryly. He was tempted to ask if /Sasaki/ had anyone like that in his life, someone he could be just /himself/ around, but… it felt too personal a question.

(Too /dangerous/ of a question.)

(After all, his counterpart had used the /excuse/ of Sasaki’s dual blades to continually approach the man, according to Sasaki.)

(He knew what that meant.)

Jyuushiro shook his thoughts free and showed Sasaki to a guest room, bringing in bedding and a hair brush while Sasaki dragged the futon out and went about setting it up. And, when Sasaki thanked him and waved him off, Jyuushiro went.

He needed to speak with Sōgyo no Kotowari.

Maybe his spirits would have more insight than what he’d managed to gather himself.

[toogoodmusic]

THE TOO GOOD TEN with CALICO

When the COVID-19 pandemic struck in March of 2020, four longtime friends, Tony Cecchetti, Chris Couto, JeanSe Le Doujet and Will Lloyd decided to use the lockdown to come together to create the Folk-Americana band CALICO. It all begin with Tony who had decided to find time between his six-month-old daughter’s sleep schedule to record several of the songs he had been sitting on. Chris joined in next - who Tony had played live music with to yoga classes in Squamish, BC - who produced the songs and added percussion. Shortly after JeanSe and Will were added to the mix to finish off with their additions of bass and electric guitar respectively. The result was the debut album, Under A Sudden Sun that came together with each musician being able to add their own unique style with no direct guidance and all while being completely separated geographically. Under A Sudden Sun resonates as an introspective and refreshing view on nostalgia, life and love. The band already has their second album recorded and while they continue to already work on their third album, we’ve been lucky enough to have Tony take on the latest Too Good Ten interview. Check out the full interview below to learn more about the album, how they felt about getting a song playlisted on Spotify, how Tony’s mom came to paint the album cover, his biggest pandemic learnings and so much more.

The Too Good Ten. Ten Questions. One Artist. Too Good.

1. Now you guys all started making music during the pandemic in early 2020. Describe how starting a band in the middle of pandemic has been? What were the pros and cons of doing so?

TONY [on behalf of CALICO]: Starting a band during the pandemic had many moving parts. In some ways, CALICO would never have been a thing if it wasn’t for the pandemic. When the world shut down and we were all stuck at home we had the time to do things we may of never had the time to do given the normal pace of life. We could record and really dive into the songs that I had written over the years. The pandemic allowed for us to do that. It was our silver lining during the incredibly difficult time. That said, we also didn’t get the opportunity to play together in the same room until this summer, in late July of 2021, just before we released, Under a Sudden Sun. We started CALICO in March of 2020, so that’s a really long time to not get together. We did a good job Zooming and creating music from afar but it wasn’t easy and it lacked the energy that bandmates bring to a room. All in all it was an incredible experience and is definitely a large part of the backstory of our band. 

2. Congrats on the release of your debut album, Under A Sudden Sun! What was it like putting this together? What was the most personal song to release off the album?

T/C: Thank you so much! We couldn’t be more excited. It’s been amazing to put music out and get so much support back from our community. The reaction has been above and beyond our expectations. Given that we all recorded our parts from different locations, putting together the album had a lot of components. The process for each song was more or less the same. I recorded vocals and rhythm guitar from home. That was then sent off to Chris Couto, who recorded percussion/drums. That was then sent off to JeanSe Le Doujet, who recorded bass. And lastly, sent off to Will Lloyd who recorded lead guitar. Chris Couto produced the album and put an incredible amount of time into making sure each song sounded like we were in playing in the same room. 

The most personal song off the album is “Oh My Mind.” The song is about searching for something that has yet to be fulfilled. In many ways it represents the album as a whole. I always wanted to play and make music. The pandemic allowed me to start a musical journey, with close friends, that seemed unattainable prior to. “Oh My Mind” is about putting one foot in front of the other, exploring, and searching for something that you know is out there, you just haven’t found it yet. 

3. Tony – your mom actually painted the cover for the album. What kind of direction did you give her for the album cover? Were there other versions of the album?

T/C: Yes, my mom painted the album cover. It is something I am very proud of that my mom could be a part of it. I did give her an idea but she had complete creative freedom to take that idea and run with it. I loved wandering the hills of Berkeley, CA when I grew up. Hills that my mom knows well and still hikes regularly. The initial vision was to capture that first light of day when the sun just peaks over the hills. It is a special moment. My mom did a wonderful job capturing it. I have the original painting at my house. I have yet to frame it but will soon and will treasure it for a long time. 

4. As mentioned, the title of the album is named after “that magical moment when the first light of the day peaks out from behind the hills.” What is so enticing about that moment that it inspired the name of the debut album? Which song off the album most encompasses that “tranquil and meditative” moment?

T/C: One of my favorite things to do as a kid was get up at the break of dawn and go fishing. We had reservoirs in the Berkeley Hills where I would go fish. When I was too young to drive, one of my moms would take me. When I became old enough to drive I would go with my closest friends and my sister. To this day, fishing at those lakes is one of the fondest memories I have of growing up in the Bay Area. We would sit for hours in our lounge chairs, look out at the beautiful scenery, and wait for a bite. It was so peaceful and a wonderful place to connect with myself and my favorite people. 

“A Little Light,” which is the first song of the album, best described that tranquil and meditative moment. It is about the importance of light in our lives and was first written as a poem about spending time in those hills as a kid. 

5. “My Darlin’” off the album made it onto your first official Spotify playlist – Renegade Folk. Where were you when you found that out? What does it mean as an artist to make it onto an official Spotify playlist? 

T/C: I got an email from Spotify a couple days after we released, “My Darlin’.” I was sitting at home feeding my 2 year old daughter breakfast. I was so excited. For me, it was a testament that we had made music that was quality enough to be grouped with some great names in the Folk world. I was very proud of everyone in the band. It means a lot to be recognized. I don’t think that Spotify is the be all end all but it’s important to be on that platform. Most people listen to and find new music there nowadays. I still think we have a long way to go. We have yet to play our first show and have a lot of things we want to achieve. We believe we have potential to write more music that moves people and plan to do so.  

6. Although the band started early 2020, you guys only recently got together in person to play songs and take band photos. What was that moment like – finally being all together and playing the songs live after over a year of working on them? Do you think the music would’ve sounded any different if you had all been in the same room instead of remote for the entire process?

T/C: It was an incredible feeling to watch the guys get off the ferry in Victoria, BC. Chris Couto had come out a few days early to settle in and do some prep for our recording session. Will and JeanSe came in on the Friday Night ferry and had to leave on Sunday morning. We didn’t have much time but we made the most of it. The four of us have been friends for years long before CALICO was a thing. Chris, Will, and JeanSe have all played in other bands together. When we all lived in Vancouver I would go hang out and watch them play. I always thought I had the most talented friends. They are incredible musicians and wonderful people. 

I do think there would have been some differences if we had all been in the same room. I am not sure how much that would come through with the sound but definitely with the energy in the room. There is an irreplaceable dynamic that is created when musicians physically  play together. It’s a vibe thing. I will say that recording from afar had immense perks, too. Everyone had complete creative freedom with their individual parts. What you hear as a final product is what four musicians felt added most to each song. There was little guidance. With everyone recording from afar, we could do it on our own time, when we felt we played best. There wasn’t the pressure of doing it at a specific time in the recording studio. 

7. What is the main thing you hope listeners take away from your music?

T/C: I hope that you all resonate with the stories that we share. Most of the songs began as poems and grew from there. They are snippets of our lives that bring us back to particular memories. My hope is that the music can do similar things for you. That you find some inner peace listening to the music and that, maybe when the album has finished, you’re brought back to a place that you think of fondly. 

8. For you, what was the biggest learning from this past year and a half in quarantine/pandemic? 

T/C: I learned to slow down and treasure the small things. The pandemic was a time to be introspective. I gained insights about myself, my ambitions and pursuits that I had never given space for. There was also immense struggle that we all went through. The virus was one thing but the loss of community was a whole other. Losing connection with loved ones was difficult. I had never felt so far from those I cared about. All in all I think it was a time to reflect on what’s important and begin to prioritize that. The pandemic really highlighted the fragility of this life. 

9. If you could only listen to (5) artists for the rest of your life who would they be?

T/C: If I could listen to 5 artists for the rest of my life it would have to be Bob Dylan, The War on Drugs, Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats, The Beatles, and The Highwomen.

10. What’s the rest of 2021 and early 2022 look like for CALICO?

T/C: We will continue writing and hopefully can start playing some live shows soon. Now that shows are happening again we plan to get our foot in the door. That might not happen until next summer but we are really excited about the idea and await the opportunity. We have recorded our second album, that will be released in 2022, and are working on our third album currently. Stay tuned for more music and we really look forward to playing live for you all one day. Thank so much for checking us out and giving our music a listen. 

Excited to have had Tony from CALICO join for the latest Too Good Ten Interview! Be sure to check out all their socials and music below and be on the look out for those upcoming shows and upcoming second album.

SOCIAL LINKS:

Facebook

Instagram

Website

MUSIC:

Spotify

YouTube

[sleepyskunk]

Deconstructing the 2017 Movie Trailer Mashup

Why deconstructing a mashup? Because these videos are often perceived as a random mess of pretty images from movie trailers. While that’s absolutely true, there’s an opportunity to explore themes and also pay a few obscure tributes to elements that don’t belong in the video itself but that are generally widespread within pop culture. These montages have been going on for a few years now, and it’s hard to edit the footage in a way that won’t feel reminiscent of one of the many great retrospectives put out by other talented editors in years past. I have to say that trying to build a narrative with all that footage has now become more enticing to me than to highlight the moments that made the year in cinema within their proper context. Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Someone on Reddit commented: “starting off with GEOSTORM, that’s a bold move!” and it didn’t even cross my mind. The shot was exactly where I wanted to go right off the bat - a blend of childlike wonder and eerie caution reminiscent of earlier Tim Burton films. The track was composed for a television spot called “A Wonderful Day” from IT and it showcases major Danny Elfman influences. Thus, this was my small tribute to the Burton/Elfman collabs happening under snowfalls like EDWARD SCISSORHANDS or BATMAN RETURNS. I loved the contrast in dialogue from PERSONAL SHOPPER which was such an under-appreciated indie film this year. Every mashup has its horror section, but I am gently sneaking you in by the supernatural door this time around. It’s just innocent enough to deceive those who hate horror.

Childlike wonder flawlessly captured in one shot, from the lens of Matt Reeves. I can’t say I connect emotionally with his APES movies, but the quality control on every frame, CGI or otherwise, it pretty much above and beyond all industry standards. That facial expression is exactly what I needed, you can tell she’s not too sure whether she’s safe or not but without feeling properly scared either. This is like the part in the original POLTERGEIST where kitchen chairs are moving on their own and the family still thinks it’s kind of fun. Kind of.

KING ARTHUR is the best type of release when it comes to trailer mashups because 1) it had a fantasy undertone 2) it was tracking poorly and 3) it went way over budget. Big studios know months in advance if they have a major bomb on their hands, and they have two choices at that point: either stop spending a penny on it and dump it for a quick theatre run and VOD release (more common if the movie didn’t cost that much) or, like in this case, spend extra millions of dollars to sell the shit out of that movie on opening week-end before everyone realizes it’s bad. Those extra millions go towards CGI money shots like the one above, which is really meant to make the marketing more attractive and oh dear lord, did KING ARTHUR have some last minute money shots to offer or what? It was a joy to pick and choose from its nine trailers.

This is where I put my cards on the table, whimsy never happened and I am taking you all to creepytown. That shot from ANNABELLE: CREATION is one of the many that upstages the featured evil doll in that wonderful movie and the film’s cinematographer Maxime Alexandre reached out because he was happy so much of his work was featured. You never know in front of who your videos can end up and industry people are keen on celebrating the year in film, especially if their own works are included. This is just a top notch unsettling shot clearly inspired by THE SHINING (the girl’s dress and the way her arms look lifeless.) On a side note, I always manually add all sounds including that floor cracking. If anyone reading this is starting off editing mashups, I promise you one thing: using professional, isolated, studio-recorded sound effect packages such as BOOM library is much superior to the original trailer track (unless you get a clean sound within the trailer.)

Another random insight (if you’re interested in making your own movie mashups) is to try as much as possible to avoid that one marketing shot everyone recognizes. You can revisit a memorable moment but going straight to the most oversold shot of a film hurts you. While you’re eager to make everyone relive the most epic imagery of the year, some value gets lost when a studio bombarded the same shot over and over and you go for it. Two quick examples: Giant hologram JOI pointing at Ryan Gosling in BLADE RUNNER 2049. I wanted that moment, but the original side-scroller shot was so overused that I went with her from a closer angle (see video thumbnail). Another example is that uncomfortable sniffle from Daniel Kaluuya in GET OUT which I favored over the super overplayed mouth open crying paralyzed shot from every marketing piece. In both cases, I assume you know which shots I am referring to without having to show them. Trying the alternative makes us relive the moment without its obviousness. It gives that other shot they didn’t choose its moment to shine (and more often than not, it’s just as effective.)

Someone’s not getting much sleep. A CURE FOR WELLNESS is a gorgeous-looking film no matter what you think of its bizarre plot points. I spend much of the first segment flirting with the creative key points from IT. One I tried to play around with is the idea of Pennywise as a half-real/half-fiction monster, and how similar to Wes Craven’s A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET his realm of terror extends. A few winning concepts in both films: 1) He isn’t real but he can really hurt you so you have to stay on your guard at all times and 2) Only a select few have been cursed with having to deal with him, adding a psychological layer to an already spooky premise. Dane Dehaan looks like a kid from Derry, or Elm street if you prefer, whose mental focus seems affected by the fact that he saw something, and his friend saw him too. Meanwhile, I throw in a completely out of context quote from Vanessa Redgrave which ties in that mysterious “sickness” from Verbinski’s film.

A shot from PROFESSOR MARSTON AND THE WONDER WOMEN from a trailer edited by Kees van Dijkhuizen Jr. for Annapurna Pictures where he works as an in-house editor now. In 2015, I talked about Gen Ip’s storytelling approach and last year I praised Matt Shapiro’s famously epic crescendos, so this year, let’s talk about Kees a little bit because I find all their influences fascinating. My first observation is how far his much-adored Cinema series has taken him, and that one of the top production houses in the business (if not the top, sorry A24 and Fox Searchlight) hired him so he could bring his own distinct style onto their major features. The whole trailer mashup craze started off only a few years back and so many editors were recruited right off YouTube to turn their passion into a livelihood down in Los Angeles. I can think of at least six editors whose names you’d recognize and who are now living the dream, and I consider this to be really inspiring because none of them initially got into it thinking something like that was ever possible. (side note: I also moved to L.A. and was poached by a trailer house but prefer to keep things on the low-end until it’s been long enough. I wouldn’t want to jinx it.)

The second observation about Kees is how much influence he’s had on every mashup that gets uploaded on a daily basis every December (me included) - I will link his Cinema series below. Instead of pairing clips into a horror bit, an action bit, a laughing and dancing bit, a kissing and crying bit, Kees was always out to create new feelings and nothing ever seemed more important than proper flow. Many shots would pop-up that you would never expect thematically, images of moving objects like a breaking glass transitioned with a girl’s hair waving through the wind (also see the lie detector in the previous shot.) He would connect nature documentaries right along with major superhero blockbusters and the movements flowed so perfectly that nothing ever felt out of place, quite the contrary. He was the best shot curator we’ve ever seen, and the order in which he put them together was beyond logic and predictability. Imagine “One Perfect Shot” but with 275 perfect shots back-to-back. If you want a prime example of what I’m referring to (random objects and flow), check out 2:49 - 2:52 from his Cinema 2011 (links below). Kees set the bar so high that attempting an end-of-year mashup certainly felt foolish at times, but hoping to improve made the editing process all the more inspiring.

CINEMA 2008 | CINEMA 2009 | CINEMA 2010 | CINEMA 2011 | CINEMA 2012 

So apparently, they have the internet and flat-screen TV’s in RINGS but landline phones are still a thing. Quite frankly, I haven’t seen RINGS and I bet it’s aggressively ordinary, but how retro horror is that shot? Paired up with the voice of THE SNOWMAN saying “Mister Policeman” it’s a throwback to Nancy being terrorized by Freddy in the original Nightmare of Elm Street (minus the tongue.) I was also pleased with the aesthetic of HAPPY DEATH DAY, clearly the product of horror fans who grew up during the low-budget slasher craze of the early ‘80s. It’s got MY BLOODY VALENTINE written all over it (meanwhile their poster was paying homage to APRIL FOOL’S DAY.) Retro horror, in all its disturbing practical gore glory! Rick Baker, Tom Savini, how much we missed you in our modern times where only a few major productions have enough VFX money to escape the uncanny valley (and even then... *cough* JUSTICE LEAGUE.)

I always tend to edit right on tempo, which means switching shots at the exact moment the music beat tells you to. But over here, I thought this elevator drop from FLATLINERS looked so frenetic and out of control that I started it half a second before as if the beat couldn’t keep up! Like in cartoons when the car accelerates so fast that it takes off but their eyeballs are standing still for a little fraction. This whole mashup sequence is meant to be a little cartoony and tongue-in-cheek. To anyone who found this to be disturbing (and yes, I heard from a few viewers who said it was too much) I must admit that it wasn’t my intention. I won’t apologize for my work, people choose to watch if they want to or not. But if I really tried my best to scare the crap out of you, I can assure you THE LEGO NINJAGO MOVIE wouldn’t have made the cut.

Now channeling a CHILD’S PLAY vibe thanks to this retro television shot from the highly underrated BRIGSBY BEAR. A kids program works well as an element of fear because it’s supposed to be a safely protected zone of positivity and care, just like a doll or a clown for that matter. Once that turns on its head and begins to attack, you basically have nowhere else to hide. It also makes for great contrast, and Andy Muschietti must have had an absolute blast this year incorporating this component into his remake of IT. The bear costume was one of the many shots that wasn’t from a horror movie and yet I used to great effect in this section. I know there was a new CHILD’S PLAY movie this year but sadly, it didn’t hold a candle to the Hitchcockian original.

“At the end of the day, people are out for themselves.” That’s not true, and only people who are out for themselves could believe that. Because if you’re weighing low on the morality scale at some point in life, you still wanna go to bed thinking you’re a good person. So if you can’t justify what you did, the best logical next step is to convince yourself that human nature is to blame, that everyone else would have done the same as you. Ask people who were charged with insider trading on the stock market, they’ll always say “everybody was doing it.” I could refer to a certain World War to keep hammering that point but instead, I’d like to point out the interesting contrast between this and Part 3. I try to disprove that very statement by showing in the finale that everything we do that matters is for others, and others are the only thing that matters once everything else has come and gone.

The KING ARTHUR studio spending extra millions of dollars to sell the shit out of that movie on opening week-end before everyone realizes it’s bad money shot festival continues. EPIC! In fact, that shot is so gorgeous, you could place it anywhere in any mashup ever and it would probably work.

Having a bit of fun giving a more literal visual cue to IT’s “We all float down here” with Guillermo Del Toro’s hypnotically beautiful THE SHAPE OF WATER. However, it’s not the tudum tssshh, get it? movie connection that works here. It’s the underwater sound effect and the incredible sound mixing by trailer house Buddha Jones so that Georgie’s voice seems to come from the bottom of the ocean. This is likely the best sound work you’ll hear in the entire mashup, and I didn’t mix it, the editors behind that teaser trailer did. In fact, their work was so effective at scaring people that it earned twice the amount of views on YouTube than what Avengers: Infinity War received. A fact Kevin Feige will likely never admit.

That moment when you realize your manic pixie dream girl wears white socks! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I've used vulgarity in the past but not every year, depends whether it brings value. Some of you may remember “Game on, c***suckers” from KICK-ASS 2 in 2013 or “Nap time, motherf***ers” from COOTIES in 2015. Perhaps there’s another guilty pleasure at play here, however, which is that feeling of pure creative freedom. As mentioned earlier, not everyone digged the horror undertone of this year’s Part 1 and that’s okay because it went exactly where I wanted to go and no compromise was made. No client notes. No studio revisions. No censor beeper (which makes it worse because we seek to find out what the word was.) If you get into professional careers that are creative in nature, you’ll find that teamwork, compromise, and not taking anything personally are all essential components for success. But when the movie trailer mashup comes around, I report to no one. And that moment from THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING MISSOURI is one I wanted included as soon as the red band trailer came out.

This shot comes from a small movie you should seek out called MY NAME IS EMILY starring Evanna Lynch (aka Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies.) The film was directed by Simon Fitzmaurice who was diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease (ALS) a few years ago, the debilitating disease for which the viral ice-bucket challenge was based on. He wrote the screenplay for this movie while his body was entirely paralyzed, and the only way he could communicate with the cast and crew while shooting the film was through eye gaze technology. There was a documentary following his brave journey that played Sundance called IT’S NOT YET DARK. Check it out if you need some real work ethic motivation and want to feel truly inspired about overcoming challenges. Much better than THE DISASTER ARTIST which is a spoof about a millionaire with no talent who mistreated the people who worked on his film. Okay, it’s still very entertaining and James Franco is hilarious but I don’t get a ‘never give up’ vibe from it, more like ‘maybe this isn’t for you.’

With the second segment, I was going for a British Gangster film vibe, hence the music cue Main Offender by The Hives. No movie captured that feeling better than Ben Wheatley’s FREE FIRE this year. I find the criminals in British movies are equally as clever in their quips as they are dangerous and often have the appearance of fair, well-behaved citizens until they have a reason to go mad. Jon Hamm’s performance in BABY DRIVER was also a textbook definition of that archetype, because all the build-up scenes where he acts friendly and discusses music with the titular character only bring an element of surprise at the end of his arc (spoilers: he’s not that nice in the end) I am aware that BABY DRIVER takes place in America but it’s directed by a Brit so it counts!

If Kubrick only knew his famous jump cut from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY that connects a flying bone to a space shuttle would lead to this fifty years later. What a shit show jump cuts have become! But they’re fun, and let’s be honest here: 7 minutes of serious quotes about life would get a little heavy. The way you edit jump cuts is the same way to solve a puzzle with over a thousand pieces. Extract dozens of short action clips onto your timeline and try to make them fit with one another over and over until you’re entertained. I mean, the music stays the same in the background, all I am doing here is deciding which projectile this pair of underpants from CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS will become. The answer was a tranquilizer from the underground mall chase sequence in Bong Joon-ho’s excellent OKJA. Maybe we should try one really long domino of jump cuts one day. Should take forever to edit, but how much fun would it be?

Did you know that Academy Award winner Alicia Vikander was a professional ballet dancer before she started acting? Work ethic applies in everything you do. When you hear about successful actors, you often discover people who are world-class at delivering under pressure and dedicating themselves to their craft with an insane amount of work. Acting is hard and yet so many people think they can do it, which makes it even harder. At least ballet puts constraints right off the bat, you need flexibility and a specific body frame. Part 3 is about finding your passion AND putting in the work. Just finding your passion is hard! It’s not always the bottomless pit one could hope for, especially when it becomes a real job with hours upon hours of work. Many people don’t even know what their passion is, they know what they’re good at but don’t love it. “Without your passion, it’s very hard to find our place in the world.” I don’t think you need your income to come from your passion in order to find said place, but I wish everyone that many of the limited hours they have each day goes towards their passion, and not towards something that feels like a waste of time. Wanting to wake up has everything to do with what happens after your first cup of coffee. Put your time towards something meaningful to you, even if it’s only on evenings and week-ends and you’ll never make a penny from it. If you love animals, volunteer at a shelter. If you love to travel, just GO!

But what happens when your family conflicts with your passion? Would you leave them behind to pursue your dreams? We all remember the tragic scene from DEAD POETS SOCIETY where a young scholar gets forced by his father to become a doctor instead of his passion and commits suicide. And then we have this year’s COCO, Pixar’s big comeback, where music is prohibited in Miguel’s family but it’s all he dreams about. But that conundrum doesn’t even have to be confrontational in nature. What if you wanted to work in a low-paying field like online journalism because it’s what you love but your single parent (who always took care of you) became sick and needed you to take care of their treatment. What happens then? What comes first? I humbly try to answer that later in the segment, of course.

We always told you Daniel Radcliffe... you’re special. That’s why you have a scar on your forehead that looks like a bolt... Just kidding, poor guy. I look at Mark Hamill in THE LAST JEDI and keep thinking that if studios are still a private enterprise in 40 years, some new Harry Potter movie will come out in which an old bearded Radcliffe will be teaching at Hogwarts. (PS: he keeps making bold choices, so much so that I am willing to watch anything he’s in.)

A man’s reach... (or woman, btw) should exceed his/her grasp. Words from a poem by Robert Browning, suggesting that, to achieve anything worthwhile, a person should attempt even those things that may turn out to be impossible. The downside with attempting the impossible is two-fold, however. 1) You may spend your life trying and never succeed. 2) If you do get there after so much sacrifice and effort, the world will expect you to do it again, or to keep doing it at the same level or better. If you won a Gold medal at the last Olympics, what are the expectations for the upcoming Olympics? That’s where passions and dreams enter a darker road, one many people choose to avoid altogether. But whatever happens, it’s worth the risk as long as you have the one thing along the way that’s a hundred times more important. And that thing is...

...people who love each other! Look at this guy, he just figured it out!

Kate Mara in MEGAN LEAVEY really seems to be the one thinking out loud in this shot while we hear a quote from THEIR FINEST. I had a blast with the Freddy Krueger references earlier but this is my favorite part. Audiomachine make the best tracks to bring that crescendo to its proper peak. You can say this part of the mashup is more in my comfort zone. And the influences from Kees that I discussed earlier can be felt here. Some shots of objects and landscapes that aren’t thematically connected but keep a nice flow. I also handpicked the best cinematography of the year all at once here. MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS was a damn pretty movie, then SHAPE OF WATER, then THE MAN WHO INVENTED CHRISTMAS, then OKJA. Every shot looks like a million bucks. Notice the use of paper, letters and ink. I want to see you again, a character from EVERYTHING EVERYTHING writes on a sheet.

Family comes first is nice, but along with family comes conflict and distance at times. Things we said that we regret. Times we let each other down, or weren’t there when we needed to. All the papers dropping from the bridge, all the shots that refer to letter writing, that’s where I was going with that. Not always obvious because it moves so damn fast which is why I do this deconstruction blog post every year!

The final big lift from Disney’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! Also, the first frame I added onto my AVID timeline. This is how I organize my work basically. I pick the right songs, then I identify the exact moments in that song where a big moment should happen - if you use trailer music, it will be crystal clear what those are. And then I try money shots in each of these spots over and over until one really, really fits. Then, I ask myself how did we get here, how can I get to that point? And build around these big moments. The second shot I added into the mashup was the little girl in Part 1 under the bed who points to another version of herself sleeping in her bed and says “Shhh! That’s not me.” I put that in right when the music stopped, it became a big moment, and then I built around it in order to get there. Every editor works differently, but I am just sharing how I personally prefer to do it. Back in 2012, the first clip I added onto the timeline was “I have an army. We have a Hulk.” from THE AVENGERS which means I’ve been editing this way for five straight years.

Those letters of reaching out to people you care about. Apologies or wondering how they’re doing. Flying everywhere around Winston Churchill (that’s my dog’s name, he’s a Pembroke Welsh Corgi!) I guess you should always be the one to reach out in difficult situations with important people. The mistake is to not reach out, or convince yourself that they were dragging you down and you’re better off without them. That’s rarely the case, and you’ll never get over them when you know that’s not the case. Maybe they will reply someday, maybe they never will. But you swallowed your ego and you decided to give it one more shot. That’s the bravest thing we can do in this life, and I hope you’ll see it that way if the time comes. Happy New Year! Achieve your passions, take care of the ones you love and make it a wonderful day! (Halle Berry: “Aaaarrh!")

- Sleepy Skunk

[jswdmb1]

Watching The Wheels

“People say I'm crazy Doing what I'm doing Well, they give me all kinds of warnings To save me from ruin”

- John Lennon

I have been asked by the Elmhurst Chamber of Commerce to give a talk tomorrow as part of their “Professional Speaker Series.”  That implies two things: 1) that I am professional, and 2) that I have something useful to say.  Despite neither being true, I accepted the offer as I am certain it is the first time that anyone who grew up in Bensenville has been given a formal invitation into the city.  While we often sneak over the border to visit Hamburger Heaven or see a movie at the York, we quickly slip back over Grand Avenue once we are done to avoid unwanted attention.  So, it’s nice to for once be recognized “officially” in the city and I thank the Chamber for breaking so many years of tension between the two municipalities by having me speak.

Problem is that I now realize they actually want me to fill an hour of time.  I can fill an hour of time in many ways, but it seems that such a monumental gesture deserves better than a token effort.  I thought giving some insight on what it is like to be a small business owner would make some sense with the audience being made up of a lot of similar folks.  While Hollywood likes to depict the small business as a glamorous lifestyle free of stress and worry, those of us who actually run one know better.  More importantly, we know that the road to success is full of landmines that would be nice to avoid.  Since I have stepped on all of them, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to share my story and the seven biggest mistakes that I have made (so far). Recognizing that not all of you may have been able to secure a prized invitation to tomorrow’s event, I have taken the liberty to giving you the outline of my speech here.  This way, if you decide to start a business today, you won’t be making any of these mistakes while waiting for me to tell you them. So, without further ado, here are the seven things I did that you should avoid:

1)  Treating your business like a job – I am sure that everyone has a very specific and personal reason for starting a business, but I’m guessing that all did it partially because they didn’t want a regular job.  The problem with that is most of us starting businesses have had jobs before we became entrepreneurs, and we don’t how to do anything else, so we keep “working” at our new “job”.  My first few months “on the job” were spent managing expectations imposed on me by past supervisors that I was now putting on myself.  Worse, this was preventing me from setting more relevant new expectations. I quickly realized that a lot of time that is spent on any job is wasted in your own business.  That time is too valuable to use on anything but productive activities that grow the business any all other activities need to be cut. Once I realized my business was not a job, I actually found the experience more enjoyable as the time I was spending on it no longer felt like an obligation.  I also saw my work/life balance improve because there was no useless “face time” needed at my own business and I could leave once I accomplished my goals for that day.  It all proved that time is money, and when you own a small business maybe it is worth even more.

2)  Getting by on your gut – The other downside of coming into a new business from a job is that you have a lot of past experience.  Some of that experience is useful, particularly the pieces you can use to create goods and/or services and sell them, but a lot of that experience leads to overconfidence.  That overconfidence then leads to decisions getting made from the gut far too often.  Quick decisions are sometimes a good (and necessary) part of starting and running a new business, but more often than not, deeper analysis is required in most situations.  More importantly, you need to have the humility to accept that you are mostly in new territory and a new thought process is going to be needed.  Falling back on what worked in the past is a sure path to eventual failure.  I think it is fair to say that I wasted both time and money that I thought I was saving by making quick decisions based on past experience.  If I had invested more analysis into the situation, the return on that time would have been much greater.  I now understand that, and while I still need to make a quick decision at times, I always pause for a moment to check that it’s not just my gut that is making the call.

3)  Being a one-man (or woman) band – An unwanted byproduct of mistake #2 is thinking that you, as supreme commander of your business, can do everything yourself.  Part of this comes from a lack of objectivity about your talents, but a bigger part is probably due to wanting to save money.  My favorite example of this was my choice to set up my own computer.  I fancied myself a pretty knowledgeable IT person and figured these things are ready to go out of the box, so how long could it take?  When my wife left the house at 9:00 (I was still working without an office, a mistake we’ll discuss later), I was just getting started.  When she came home at 5:00, I was still just getting started. Once I finally acknowledged that I did not know what I was doing (with her help in pointing that out), I found a trusted professional to take over the job to do it right.  His quote to me was $179 higher than normal because he was going to have to undo all broke trying to do it myself.  Everyone probably has a story like this, but it makes a pretty easy to see point: just because it is your company doesn’t mean you are now an expert in everything. If you are too small to hire, then outsource.  While the cash out of the pocket may be tough up front, the time wasted is far more valuable (and you’ll likely pay someone more in the end anyway).

4)  Using your kitchen table as a conference room – Another brilliant cost-saving idea I had was to work out of my home.  As a service provider, I didn’t necessarily need a bricks-and-mortar storefront, so an office seemed a luxury.  While I do think work-at-home has some merits, running a whole business exclusively out of a spare bedroom comes fraught with danger. Distractions around the house were not a huge problem for me (though probably more than I think), but I quickly found home and work life blurring too much for my taste.  Then the problem of where to meet with employees, vendors, and even clients became an issue.  It finally occurred to me after having to have a team meeting in my dining room that I needed space that was separate from where I lived so I could work in a more professional setting.  I now look at the rent I pay as a monthly investment that has been paying dividends ever since the move.  Not only do I feel it fosters a more productive and collaborative environment for my team, I got my privacy back at home.  Most importantly, it made it much easier to separate my time between the business and family and I think made much more productive and present for both.

5)  Making your target market everybody – Having come from a big firm, where I had a lot of resources backing me up, we had a huge market for the services we provided.  This included a wide geography and many types of clients when we put marketing plans together. When I went off on my own, I was smart enough to hire a talented expert to help me draft a good plan, but when she asked me what my target markets were, I was way too ambitious.  I basically was replicating the market I served with the bigger firm without acknowledging the reality that I did not have the resources to do that. A lot of this was a byproduct of my second mistake (going with my gut) instead of doing my own analysis.  Once I really looked at things objectively, I was able to refine the area and type of client I wanted my market to cover.  This exercise also helped me better define why I wanted to go into business on my own in the first place, which was to serve the clients I wanted in the manner I saw best to fit their needs.  Plus, it helped me get to focus on a small geography that allowed me to brand myself as a local option which can be attractive to some.  It also allowed me to specialize in services in demand in that market versus going out and finding clients to fit what I thought I should be doing.  Along the way, I changed my initial plan but also found that there were things I hadn’t done in the past that I really liked. 

6)  Not knowing when to say no – Generally, getting any business is a positive, especially when you are just starting out.  The issue then becomes how much do you charge.  This has been a problem for small business owners forever and nothing has changed that fact.  The economics are simple: if you price too high you won’t get the work, and if you price too low, you end up losing money.  Of the two, I think the latter is what can bring a small business down quicker than anything.  I had a partner at my old firm who came up with a great saying when we started complaining about a cheap competitor that was under pricing the market.  He said “let them fill up on junk and we’ll be ready when they serve the meal”.  That made way more sense to me once I was running things on my own and my resources were precious.  Taking on work that I under priced just to get it robbed me of the opportunity of finding other work that more appropriately valued my services.  It all starts with pricing and having the confidence to say this is what my product or service is worth and then having the fortitude to stick to that when someone suggests otherwise.  It requires a lot of patience, but I think the small business owner who is in it for the long haul will reap much greater dividends down the road with a well thought out pricing structure that truly reflects what he or she is really worth to that market.

7)  Forgetting to be yourself – Part of the reason I left the corporate world was that I was sick of pretending to be someone I wasn’t.  It was affecting my health greatly and I just wasn’t happy.  The culture in the firm I was at was work a lot, be miserable doing it, and be proud of both.  I had colleagues who would brag about their weekly hours as if it was a contest and then later tell you how much they hated their lives.  As you move up the ranks in any company, you also spend a lot of time molding your personality to what you think is acceptable.  I loved my work, my clients and my staff, but I couldn’t stand any longer “playing the game” (which I wasn’t very good at anyway).  I figured starting my own business would be a great way to have the best of both worlds.  Problem was that the first few months or so I still had that corporate mentality and I still wasn’t happy.  Then, some personal things happened that forced my perspective to change and I came around to the fact that being myself was what those clients liked at my old firm, so why not try that.  Once I did that, I became more relaxed and built confidence in my ability to do what I really wanted.  I started doing things that I would have never done while with the firm.  One of them is writing this blog, which has been a wonderful outlet for me and which is why I am sharing it with the group at the presentation.  There is nothing that I have written in this blog that I am ashamed or embarrassed to share because it is me being honest about who I am.  I recognize the risk in people “finding out” who I really am, but I am totally at peace with that.  I would rather take the chance that there are other people out there who respect what I am doing versus pretending to be something I am not just to sell them some business.  It is a risky approach for sure, but for me it is the only choice.

Will any of this advice be helpful?  I honestly don’t know, but I hope it resonates if you have ever tried working for yourself.  The bottom line for me is that despite all of the hardships I love what I do, and I have never looked back on the decision to strike out on my own.  I enjoy doing the work I was trained to do in an environment that I created, and I love serving people and doing what I can to make a positive impact on their lives.  I also appreciate the opportunities I have come across to work more within the community like this speaking engagement with the Chamber.  It’s not perfect, but it was never intended to be, and once I realized that, the stress levels went down, and my feelings of satisfaction went up. Will I make more mistakes?  There is no doubt the answer is yes.  The real questions are what I do with those mistakes and how do I learn from them.  And I think that is the biggest thing that I have learned from this whole experience – that mistakes are opportunities and as human being we make lots of mistakes. By definition, that means our opportunity in this life is endless if we first admit we are not perfect.  

Cheers,

Jim 

[moviesihaveseenbeforeiamdea-blog]

#285 Rear Window

Source

Released: September 1, 1954

Director: Alfred Hitchcock

Written by: John Michael Hayes, based on Cornell Woolrich’s short story, “It Had to Be Murder”

Starring: James Stewart, Grace Kelly, Thelma Ritter, Raymond Burr

Had I Seen it Before? Yes, in theaters

Hitchcock cameo: Early on in the film, when Jeff is looking at his neighbors, Alfred can be seen with the pianist in one of the apartments. 

The first time that I ever saw Rear Window was summer of last year, probably in July. The local theater did a summer of Hitchcock revival, and Rear Window was one of the movies they played, and the only one I went to. I wish I had gone to more in that series, but I did what everyone does and assumed a good thing would last a little while longer. That theater, an Alamo Drafthouse, was forced out of its lease, and the vacant property will become an AMC sometime this fall. I have nothing against AMC Theaters, I’ve only ever had acceptable experiences in them, but I doubt that they’re going to match the charm and eccentricity of the Alamo. 

Seeing Rear Window on the big screen was magical. It was a really hot day out that day, and I was walking around my neighborhood with a friend when we saw someone we knew riding her bike and asked where she was going. She told us about the showing and we decided to go ourselves. We hiked all the way downtown and got to the theater sweaty. A few people we knew were already there, and we bought two of the last tickets. I have never seen a theater that full in my life, and the only seats available for us were way towards the front. James Stewart and Grace Kelly seemed like giants as I craned my neck up for nearly the entire two hours. I didn’t mind. I loved every minute of it. It was the first Hitchcock movie I’d ever seen and also the first time I saw Grace Kelly act. Most the rest of that summer was no good but I’ll always have that memory of Rear Window in an air-conditioned theater, happy to be there. 

James Stewart and Grace Kelly as Jeff and Lisa (Source)

This movie held up the second time. Whereas it took me two viewings to really appreciate Vertigo, I loved Rear Window from the start, and a second viewing only confirmed what I felt during the first: that this is an excellent thriller built around a man in a chair who can’t do anything but watch people. 

It really is a testament to Hitchcock’s direction that he can make Jeff’s apartment livable and exciting for the duration of the movie. As far as I can tell, the camera never leaves the perspective of the people inside his apartment, save for the final scene when Jeff falls out of his apartment, defenestrated, onto the sidewalk below. Even then this is seen through Jeff’s perspective, so we don’t go far as an audience. 

And Stewart’s acting is commendable in this movie, but it’s Thelma Ritter as Stella, Jeff’s nurse that steals every single scene that she’s in. Her heckling of Jefferies is always more lighthearted and compassionate than Wendell Corey’s Tom, and serves a more instructive purpose. She is Jeff’s caretaker, chiding him for the way he chooses to spend his time and the toll all of those sleepless nights in his wheelchair are taking on his already-injured body. 

Hitchcock constructs a similar feel with this movie found in his earlier effort Rope, which also features a murder mystery confined to one very specific location (and James Stewart!), but whereas Rope was constrained by its insistence on long takes and disguised editing (which, although fun, did get in the way of the story), Hitchcock wisely eschews any over-stylized camerawork, relying on contextually-appropriate techniques. His scanning over the apartments in the bloc are as focused and insightful as Jefferies investigations, and the locale never feels flat or compressed. Even though the people we watch from the apartment are all one or two-note characters in cramped living conditions, Hitchcock films them all with a flair, giving each a brief moment to shine and be humanized, creating a very effective shorthand for a living, breathing community. 

I think it comes down to his ability to block a scene that makes Hitchcock such a canonical director. Check out this Nerdwriter video for more on the specifics on what I mean (a video I think I linked to when I watched Vertigo). Hitchcock is excellent directing the motion of is actors, pushing them all around the set to keep them dynamic and physically engaged in their performances without ever once muddying up the viewer’s ability to understandable the bigger picture of what’s happening. He uses body language to great effect, and is able to wring even James Stewart’s invalid self into a variety of colorful movements. What might have been a very dry movie of people talking at each other in a small apartment never devolves into such, and that leaves Hitchcock to ramp up or ease the sense of claustrophobia at will. 

Georgine Darcy as Miss Torso (Source)

What I felt about this movie on a repeat viewing that I didn’t piece together during the initial one was the relation between Jeff’s aimlessness and commitment issues with his voyeurism. The division between him and Grace Kelly’s Lisa boil down to Jeff’s view that Lisa is a quasi-aristocratic socialite who will always be as such, and though the life she lives is admittedly perfect, it leaves Jeff in a position of what he feels to be a static existence, tied to one lifestyle that is always sanitized and accounted for. As a photographer for a magazine, he is used to getting down into the grime, and doubts Lisa could cope with that lifestyle.

Grace Kelly does a perfect job of filling Lisa with all of the charm of a perfectly put-together woman madly in love with a man who resents her perfection, flashing quickly between adoration and a woundedness that surfaces when Jeff demurs about their future together. She never falters in her devotion to him, although she pushes back at his attempts to belittle her position or discount her abilities. Jeff has a hard time seeing past the role he has pegged Lisa in, and it scares him to think that he might be forced into it himself. 

But the lifestyle Jeff resents, forced on him artificially by the broken leg which keeps him housebound, pushes him into a form of escapism he is able to achieve by obsessing over and cataloging the lives of his neighbors, who are mostly unaware of his gaze. Jeff doesn’t have the most compassionate outlook on his neighborhood, but he understands the value in the idiosyncrasies of his subjects, and comes to appreciate them for the roles he gives them, roles which are nonthreatening to him because he is in no danger of being made to replicate them. 

Jimmy Stewart is an actor often teased for his wholesome, “aw shucks,” All-American demeanor, and a lot of the times (especially in his earlier work), that critique is right on the money. Even in a few of his early roles, such as Jefferson Smith in Frank Capra’s Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, he is capable of displaying the conflicts that this persona would inflict on a real-life human would have, and this is something that becomes most pronounced in his collaborations with Hitchcock. The conflict Jeff feels in his personal life represents a choice he feels between living out his most individual self---a very American value---and succumbing to the societal role expected of him---also a very American value. Jeff knows that he ought to marry someday, but can’t quite bring himself to consider the possibility in the most possible scenario presented to him. 

But as the murder plot accelerates and threatens the life of Lisa and then his own, Jeff witnesses the possibilities of a voyeuristic life, one full of alienation and estrangement and perhaps even a constant exposure to wickedness. He watches the domesticity of Thurwald (Burr) devolve into savagery, but doesn’t seem to explicitly identify that grisly reality with his own hypothetical fears of marriage in his own life, though I would think that Hitchcock intended the murder to be a subconscious projection of Jeff’s insecurities. 

As Lisa proves herself willing and able to involve herself in the obsessions of Jeff’s life, he realizes that the thrill-seeking he feels in himself is ultimately a kind of self-defeating one, something that unnecessarily equates individuality with cold distance. Maybe it’s the shock of seeing a bedridden woman murdered by her husband that gets him to reflect on the kindness of Lisa, who serves as the yin to Thurwald’s yang. Jeff begins to understand that Lisa’s kindness shouldn’t be taken for granted, and that the perfection he resents might not be so much about its limitations in Lisa’s abilities as it is a limitation in Jeff’s imagination. 

Raymond Burr as Lars Thurwald (Source)

This is the third Hitchcock film I’ve watched for this project so far, and he’s taken an easy lead as the director I look forward to most. I ought to be more judicious in my selection and leave a few of his for myself towards the middle and end, but I probably won’t because I am no better than a child who eats a gallon of ice cream before dinner and spends the whole night desperately wishing he could poop. 

Final thoughts:

Rear Window is definitely one of those movies that would require more suspension of disbelief were it made today. Rear Window in 2017 would be Jeff staring Facebook all day and jerking off. 

Actually, I have no doubt Jeff was jerking off-screen in this movie. 

In case it wasn’t obvious, I am very pleased I had the opportunity to use the word “defenestrated” correctly in a sentence in this entry. There are very few opportunities to use such a specific word. 

I actually saw the loose remake of this movie, Disturbia, first. That movie is not very good, and loses all of the charm of Hitchcock’s directing and Stewart’s acting and replaces it with Shia LaBeouf having mood swings (so really, Shia LaBeouf being Shia LaBeouf).

Also, I spelled Shia LaBeouf’s name right on the first try just now. I’m on a roll. 

I think I may have written a really bad poem about my experience of seeing Rear Window in theaters. I am not a poet, and so with any luck it will die with me. 

Hitchcock modeled Thorwald’s look off the appearance of a producer he was feuding with. These are my favorite kinds of movie anecdotes, one in which someone high up in the creative process gets mad at someone else high up in the creative process and handles it by taking passive aggressive swipes at them in a myriad of ways. (See also: Steve McQueen’s sarcastic clap during the Oscars when the screenwriter for 12 Years a Slave won the award.)

Even though I praised the feeling of life that Hitchcock gives to the Greenwich Village apartment bloc in the movie, it should be noted that this was an entirely constructed set in California, costing what was at the time an astronomical sum of somewhere around $75,000. This is the second-most gratuitous recreation of New York for a movie, coming up short to Stanley Kubrick’s recreation of New York City in England for Eyes Wide Shut (because of course it would be Kubrick). 

I was very sad to learn that Grace Kelly died in her early ‘50s. She was a great actor and a stunning woman. 

[letsprayitwritesitself]

groundhog dave part 4 - day three

At 6am sharp Davey was jolted from his suspiciously pleasant sleep. He remembered the night before, getting drunk in the bar with Jack. He remembered the night before that, getting drunk in the bar with Jack. He remembered them both, distinctly and separately, as two completely different nights.

And he knew that something was really, really fucked up.

He muttered along with the radio as he sat, unbelieving, on the side of the bed, staring glassy-eyed at the intricate vomit green and sludge brown patterns of the carpet. This was happening - he knew, he knew that February 2nd had already happened twice, but how could he prove it? He had only his memories to go off.

It was like a long, overly drawn out practical joke that the people of Punx plus Jack and Crutchie had decided to play on him - all re-enacting the same day, wearing the same clothes, walking to the square at the same time and in the same order while insisting that it was Groundhog Day. If his iPhone didn’t confirm the date for him he would half expect Ashton Kutcher or someone to jump out at him during the broadcast and half a dozen hidden cameras to reveal themselves. 

As such he couldn’t reconcile himself with the reality of the day. It was like he was watching his own memories through a VR headset, like if he reached out to touch a lamppost or a pedestrian his hand would pass right through them.

The night before with Jack had been frustratingly similar to the one before.  He hadn’t been able to hold back on the drinking, in fact, his anxiety at trying to improve the first night had translated into treating his pint glass like a crutch, sipping whenever a beat of silence dared appear. He managed to not call Jack pretty, instead settling for a ‘Hmm, wow’ when he said the thing about making sense of the universe. This did not stop him focusing for another moment on how pretty Jack actually was (it may have actually forced him to think of it, that attempted avoidance of acknowledging it) but he figured that he was only human, and it wasn’t exactly a full-blown infatuation or anything, more just... aesthetic appreciation. So he still blushed as he headed back up to the bar for his round, prompting the same remarks from the sexy bartender, the same free drinks. 

It was at this point he decided to let the night roll over him, reliving it all - the conversations, the ramble home, the vomiting, If he tried this again, he would plan ahead better. Spreadsheets, maybe a powerpoint. Definitely at least one flowchart.

So, the absence of a hangover was his first clue that today was his third February 2nd. The next was the radio broadcast. And now, the walk into town.

‘Morning sunshine!’

He stared at Jack. ‘Everything good to go?’ he asked weakly. The band onstage struck up and nausea overwhelmed him as the chirpy music assaulted his ears. Crutchie was saying something about the video link and the studio in Philly but Davey couldn’t comprehend it. He had done this twice already, had hated it both times - ‘I can’t fucking do this.’

He forced his way out through the crowds, the world spinning around him. As soon as he was out of the square he sank into a crouch, sucking in mouthfuls of air. He needed help.

//

‘Say “aah.”‘

‘Aah.’

The doctor peered down his throat and he stared up at the ceiling, disillusioned. The difference between knowing that something was wrong, and knowing what that something was, was huge. The urge to have it looked at, to be assessed by a professional, had taken him to a doctor’s office, and he didn’t know exactly what he expected them to say, he just needed some kind of insight.

‘Well, your tonsils look fine! No headaches, pains, anything like that?’

‘Nausea. Deja vu. Just... disorientation.’

‘Mmhmm, mmhmm. Had a knock to the head recently?’

‘No. I don’t think so.’

‘Eaten anything bad?’

‘No.’ The doctor stared at him, tapping his pen about the metal desk. ‘Have you recently come off any medication?’

‘I have literally done nothing. This is happening to me and I don’t know why.’

The doctor took a few more seconds to think, then leaned forward, narrowing his eyes and glaring at Davey. He took a deep breath in, paused - and then let out a huge sigh, and shrugged his shoulders.

//

‘So you’re depressed?’

‘No. I’m literally reliving the same day. February 2nd has happened to me... three times now.’

He sat opposite Punx’s premiere psychiatrist, who eyed him anxiously, pen poised over her clipboard, though she hadn’t yet taken any notes.

‘So you’re... delusional?’

‘No - I’m.’ He hadn’t said it out loud before so he could totally understand her response. ‘I’m being very serious.’

‘My initial thought is to prescribe you this very mild anti-depressant. Sometimes days can feel like they’re bleeding into each other and really you just need a little pep!’

He leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees, and stared at her. ‘I don’t know why I thought this would help. Give me the pills.’

//

‘I feel like I’m trapped in a loop - like I’m unstuck in time.’

‘I sense a lot of anger in your aura,’ the guru nodded sagely. ‘And I think that’s why you’ve come apart from reality.’

‘I haven’t come apart from reality? I’m here - reality has... has come apart from me.’

‘I’m just going to see where your moon is, and then I’ll be able to get a better idea, alright? Now, what time were you born?’

//

‘I know exactly what you mean.’ The sexy bartender leaned over the bar and fixed him with a glare. ‘Like every day is exactly the same, right?’

‘Right! Like literally the same. Like I can’t even butterfly-effect it, I’m just floating through like an unwilling witness.’

‘Like nothing you do matters?’

‘Kind of!’

‘Oh yeah, I’ve been there.’ He pushed over a freshly poured pint. Davey traced his fingertips through the condensation on the glass. ‘I’m Spot.’

Davey had given up trying to explain his predicament to medical or spiritual professionals and had opted instead to indulge in the fact that in a metaphorical sense the entire town probably felt like him. He had peeped through the door of the bar to check that Jack and Crutchie weren’t there, because he didn’t at all feel like explaining himself to them, before taking a seat at the bar and treating the bartender like a therapist.

‘I’m used to it,’ he’d said, when Davey had apologised, sheepish at having rambled about his problems. But Spot had kind eyes (when he wasn’t glaring at rowdy customers) and a warm smile (when it eventually surfaced), and it made him feel like he could share without being judged. ‘In fact, what you’re saying sounds a whole lot like my day-to-day.’ And he had told Davey in turn, how tending bar in a place like Punx, was a steady paycheck thanks to the town’s band of alcoholics (”drunxsutawney”) but it wasn’t the most fulfilling, or exciting, or the best way to meet people. This was why, he explained, he couldn’t not introduce himself when a news crew of three cute guys passed through. Davey raised his eyebrows and accepted the drink.

‘David.’

‘David.’ The repetition with a smile sounded like validation. And Davey liked it. ‘How long you in town for?’

‘I’m... not sure. I don’t know.’

‘One night? More?’

‘Hopefully not more.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Me and Punx don’t get on. We’re not friends.’

‘Go on?’

‘I miss Philly. I miss my apartment on top of a 7-11, and I miss the constant buzz of noise and activity. When a town is too quiet, it’s... unnerving. I don’t like it.’ This was a new realisation. But there it was. Punx was so quiet that it forced all his problems to the forefront of his mind - how lonely nights in his one-bed got, or how stilted his career already felt despite being solidly okay for his age. How he had all these ideas exploding around in his head but what felt like no power to make them heard. ‘How about you? What makes you say that you’re stuck? Apart from, I guess, Punx just making everyone feel like that?’

‘I just - this is my pop’s bar, right? He passed eight years ago, just in time for me to graduate high school and take over - like he timed it. But the thing about my pop is, he saw beauty in the small things. Glass coke bottles, beer mats, musty pool tables. He loved this place. But I just - can’t. Can’t romanticise it like he could. But I love him, so. It’s what he would have wanted.’

‘You to be bound here? Sorry - I know it’s really none of my business.’

‘No, no. I don’t know. What if I get rid of this place and don’t find something better? He set me up here, y’know. Can’t sniff at it. But will anyway, right?’

‘Right.’ At the same time that Davey wanted to shake Spot and tell him to chase his dreams or whatever, he knew where he was coming from, and saw a good deal of his own issues in him.

‘I mean. One day something else will appear. Something so good that it’ll propel me away from here and I won’t feel bad. Just... not tonight.’

‘Something like what?’

‘I’ll know when I see it.’ He smirked, holding Davey’s gaze for a few seconds before stepping back and nodding towards the rest of the bar. ‘You’re the last man standing. Mind if I join you for one before last call?’

‘Be my guest. Or your own guest. Or whatever.’ Davey watched him pour a beer before venturing round to the other side of the bar. A glance over his shoulder confirmed that the place had emptied around them. Spot sat on the bar stool next to him, swivelling to face him, their knees just touching.

‘And what about you, huh? What do you want?’

//

The apartment was dimly lit in orange by a solitary lamp on an end table. Lived in but not messy. Clearly one person’s abode.

Davey followed Spot in, and paused in the living room as his host wandered into the kitchen. As Davey replied to the drink offer thrown to him he took a second to centre himself. He touched the doorknob first, as he closed the door, a knuckle on the polished brass, and then the back of the couch, memorising the rough texture of the cotton or wool or whichever material it was. He ran a fingertip through a fine layer of dust that had collected on an old War and Peace on the arm of the couch, and then finally encountered a little cat who breezed over from its bed in the corner. He picked it up, holding it to his chest, scratching behind its ears. It purred, nuzzling into his hand.

He was definitely here. He was definitely in this apartment.

//

When he woke up the next morning under that stifling duvet full of stale laundry fragrance, with the hotel radio singing about groundhogs plus the brand new memory of Spot’s hands and mouth and skin - that was his first realisation that nothing he did now had any consequences.

[doedipus]

Seasick Off the Sword Coast

The campaign went on hiatus for a couple weeks over the summer, and I’ll admit, I got restless pretty quick. I ended up writing a couple of... short stories? scenes? vignettes? based on events in the campaign to keep myself busy. This one takes place during the sea voyage from Athkatla to Waterdeep.

This was written a while after the session where Coy transitioned, however, at the time in the campaign neither the players or their characters knew what was up. I decided to use female pronouns for her in the narration, because I’d feel awful for knowingly misgendering someone (yes, even a fictional character, shut up :P), but the characters still see her as a dude and refer to her as such.

Anyway, I’m posting this because it might give readers a better grasp on the characters than simple greentext-style notes would. As usual, content under the break.

Constanza had never been to sea before, and after the last week, she never wanted to go to sea ever again. The gentle rocking of river boats and ferries she’d ridden before were nothing compared to the interminable and often violent undulation of the open ocean. She’d been plagued by terrible seasickness through the whole voyage. Behind her illusion, her usually rust-hued skin had taken a turn for the green, and she was having trouble keeping her meals down. While the rest of her companions had long since found their sea legs, Constanza still struggled to keep her balance. During the brief calm moments, she was filled with deep pangs of inferiority. She kept to herself, and barely left her cabin.

These sorts of moods were hardly uncommon for her. Growing up, her sister Lou was always by her side when Constanza needed her, and would always have a corny joke or amusing story that could take the edge off for a time. Since she’d left, it had become harder and harder to push past the voices telling her that she was less than or unworthy of their respect. Nowadays, she tried to focus herself on her faith, praying at a makeshift altar, or trying to parse the hefty tome her superiors had left her with. Self-help was a pillar of the church’s outreach, and sometimes they had the right ideas. It certainly offered many distractions she could focus on instead.

This morning, she was meditating on the story of Saint Fripp of Neverwinter. Fripp had been an acolyte of The Late Allfather Emerson the Immortal during the early days of the church, when Ascension was something that was still a serious area of study among the church elites. The ultimate goal of the church had always been to reach a state of open dialogue between them and the Great Ones, for knowledge and power, but they had never succeeded in the way they wanted. Emerson once saw a vision of a humanoid metamorphosing into a Great One, a process that came to be known as Ascension. His description of the process seemed incomprehensible and gruesome, but he and his followers were willing to sacrifice anything to be closer to their god.

Saint Fripp was born without eyes, but Emerson granted her true vision. Her eyes lay on the inside, and her insight earned her a permanent place at Emerson’s side. When Emerson received the Revelation of Ascension, she was first to volunteer to corrupt her very being in the name of progress. Early on, much progress was made, and though her veins became hardened from the injections, and her left arm quickly became necrotic and unceremoniously slid off in the night, she made amazing leaps and bounds in her mind, receiving vivid messages from the beyond at a frightening frequency, and the new arm that emerged from the socket had almost as many digits and also a nice tan.

As the procedures continued, though, she began to experience difficulty focusing on the world around her, and took to wearing a tall brass cage over her head to keep herself inside until she was ready to make a final leap. On the two hundred fifty-fifth day of treatment, she was found unresponsive in her quarters. The pair of aids responsible for her care quickly fetched father Emerson. When they returned, her body was bloated, barely even recognizable as herself, and something was moving underneath the surface of her skin.

Emerson suddenly grasped his head, screeching in pain. A vision had struck him! He was consumed by the smell of fresh blood and raw meat, surrounded on all sides by what felt like flesh, tightly pressed against his body, suffocating him. His only instinct was to dig. And dig. And dig. He frantically clawed at the moist tissue for what felt to him like hours, until he hit a smooth brass wall. He turned, and dug in another direction, before coming to another wall. His prison of meat was itself completely encased in brass. The walls closed in on him, and as they began to crush his body, he violently snapped back to reality.

“The cage!” he yelled at his companions, “We need to get that blasted cage off her!”

The three rushed to the side of the bed and tried desperately to remove the heavy metal apparatus, but the corpse of their dear friend had expanded in such a way that this task became difficult. They tugged with all their strength, but it would not budge. One of the aids suggested sawing off her head to remove the cage, but Emerson shot him a glare that could melt adamantine. The struggle continued for an hour, until with a final exertion, the cage popped off, sending an aid reeling.

When they had caught their breath, they noticed that the writhing in the body had ceased. A great cascade of blood and viscera suddenly burst forth from what was left of Saint Fripp’s nether regions. Among the carnage lay the remains of a squid-like creature, about the size of a forearm, with seven tentacles, and a transparent mantle. Inside the mantle was a multitude of eyes, with a wide range of iris colors and pupil geometries. Human eyes, elven eyes, orcish eyes, and though they weren’t mentioned in the holy texts, Constanza liked to think that there were tiefling eyes in the Stillborn Mantle as well. Good media representation was so hard to come by these days.

The story was sometimes brought up as a cautionary tale about exploring unknown aspects of church doctrine, but Constanza thought that though Fripp had died, her exceptionalism had taken her from a nameless beggar on the streets to a life dedicated to knowledge and adventure, recorded forever within the sacred texts. She hoped she could one day make a similar contribution, but for now, she could only stare intently at the puke bucket beside her bed, and try to hold in her half-digested dinner.

A knock on the door to her cabin nearly broke her concentration. The door creaked open, and Greg poked his head through the crack.

“Connie, we’re all going up to eat breakfast, are you coming?”

“Ask her if she wants us to just bring her something down here,” Lucas mumbled from behind the door.

Part of her wanted to take him up on that offer, but the rest of her was determined to look tough at all times.

“N-no, that’s okay. I’ll-” She heaved a bit as a swell passed under the ship. “Ughk... I’ll be up in a minute.”

Lucas peered around his boyfriend. “Are you sure? It’s really no problem for us, or anythi-”

“I’m fine. Really.” Constanza cut him off before he could finish.

“Okay then. Uh, see you in a few, then, I guess...” Lucas looked a bit hurt as he rounded the corner and went up the stairs. Greg followed after him, hand-in-hand.

    Constanza returned to her morning ritual, finished the Tuesday set of prayers, and prepared to reapply the brand of binding to her left shoulder. Left arms held a special significance in the church ever since Saint Fripp’s sacrifice, and were believed to be the most blessed limb. As such, all casting was done through that arm, and the limb could easily fill to burst with arcane fallout. The brand allowed some of the energy to filter out into the ether. After the skirmish in Amswater, Constanza suspected that it was the only thing keeping her arm attached anymore. Other initiates often complained about the pain of applying the brand, and were reluctant to use any spells at all, in case they had to reapply it later. Other initiates were also usually not tieflings, and Constanza barely felt a thing as she pressed the red-hot iron firmly against her skin, counted to twenty-three at a reasonable pace, and then quickly plunged the iron into a nearby bucket of seawater to cool it off. A rush of pins and needles shot down her arm as circulation returned. She flexed her grip a few times to test the strength in her hand.

    Having completed her morning rituals, she laboriously hoisted herself upright, pausing briefly as blood rushed to her head. She briefly checked herself out in a mirror to make sure that her illusory avatar was working correctly, blinking a few times, and trying out a variety of facial expressions. Satisfied, she wobbled out the door, and onto the deck.

    Her eyes stung as they slowly adjusted to the morning sunlight. She pulled her coat tight against her body to protect herself from the frigid marine air. Squinting, shivering, and utterly unsteady, she hurriedly made her way to the cabin where her companions were gathered.

    Most of the floor space in the main room of the cabin was taken up by a long wooden table with benches on either side. Most of the gang was still in their rooms, it seemed, and the only people at the table were Greg and Lucas. Constanza waved awkwardly to the pair as she entered. They both waved back. She started towards the pantry.

    Lucas called after her. “Hey, Constanza, Coy’s passed out in the pantry. Can you do your thing again and wake him up?”

    The pantry was a large closet off the main room. The shelves on the walls were full of jars of preserves and honey, and bottles of brightly colored potions and exotic booze. A chest lay in the corner that stored cuts of dried and cured meat, wrapped in sheets of thin paper. In another corner, a cabinet stored cutlery and cups. Hanging from the ceiling above the chest was a hollowed out bovine carcass held in gentle repose. Its insides were stocked with bread, vegetables, cheeses, and other perishable produce, kept fresh by the enchantment. The sight was more than a little macabre.

    Taking up much of the floor was Coy the titanic dragonborn, curled up in a ball, with Akim slumped over her. A handful of empty bottles were scattered on the floor around them, and they appeared to be deep in slumber. A small puddle of noxious drool seeped from the dragonborn’s mouth, and had begun to corrode the floor a bit.

    Constanza gingerly shook Akim awake. Ages ago, a popular church had spread propaganda about tieflings being sexual predators by nature, and a non-negligible portion of the population still sincerely believed them. So, she tried her best to avoid interacting with children in public, lest she be accused of trying something unspeakable. Even though she knew that Coy was perfectly fine with her being around Akim, it still made her uncomfortable. The boy yawned and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

    She tried to wake Coy in the same manner, but she remained dead to the world. It’s not like that had worked any of the previous times, either, but it was worth a shot. Constanza felt down deep inside her being for her natural mana reserves, and concentrated as hard as she could. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but instead of words, a loud BOOOONNNNG filled the room. Akim apparently thought this was the funniest thing ever, and began giggling uncontrollably. The feathers on Coy’s head and neck stood on end, and her reptilian eyes snapped open. She sat up and looked around the room, obviously dismayed about something. Akim hugged her, and her expression grew a bit less severe.

    “We’re, um, about to eat breakfast,” Constanza explained.

Coy stared off into space for a moment.

    “Do you mind moving? I can’t reach the cow from here.”

    No answer.

    “Coy? Are you okay?”

    “Hm? Yes! Yes, is fine!” Coy shook her head a bit and stood up, towering over her companion and the child, and hit her head on the ceiling with a dull THUNK.

    “Cyka blyat!” She quickly slapped a hand over her mouth, and glanced down at Akim nervously. Akim mimicked her action before continuing to giggle. Holding hands with Akim, she ducked out of the pantry and took a seat at the table. Constanza pulled a mostly-whole loaf of bread and a hunk of cheese from the cow’s empty chest cavity, and a knife from the cabinet, and joined them.

    A few others had filtered into the mess hall in the meantime. Rolen had taken a seat opposite Lucas, and the two glared wordlessly at each other, while Greg tried to avoid eye contact with either of them. Escrima had decided to sit on the other side of Greg, adding to his obvious discomfort. Escrima fidgeted a bit and mumbled something under his breath about “antipodes.” Constanza took her place at the table, sliced off a bit of bread and cheese, and passed the food and knife down the table. She ate quietly, mostly just trying to keep her mind off the nausea.

    After a time, the door of the cabin slammed open, and Graham strode in with a big, goofy grin plastered across his face. He shouted, triumphantly, “Lady Catarina! I have a matter of the utmost importance to discuss! Please accompany me below decks posthaste!”

    The outburst caught Constanza by surprise, and she stared blankly back at Graham for a moment. “I’m sorry, what?”

    “Come on, Connie, I found something amazing in the hold!” Graham had a hard time maintaining his facade of dignity through his excitement.

    Constanza hoisted herself off the bench, took a moment to balance herself, and wobbled outside after Graham.

    “It’s an amazing find, my lady.” Graham assured her as they crossed the deck, “It even has all the pieces, too! Top condition!”

    “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Graham. What exactly did you find?”

    “Just wait and see!”

    The pair descended the stairs to the lower levels of the ship, and stopped outside the door to Graham’s room. He opened the door with a flourish, and indicated towards the cot in the center of the room. On the cot was a dragonchess board made of polished walnut, each plane stained the appropriate color. The full set of pieces was laid out on the board, ready to play.

    “Wow, Graham, where’d you find this?” Constanza was in awe. “It’s a beauty!”

    “It was in a chest down in the hold. We found it when we were looking for a place to put Coy’s diamond last night, and I thought ‘My, I bet Lady Catarina would love to hear about this!’” A pause. “Would my lady be willing oblige a request for a rematch?”

    “Any time, Graham,” she replied, “Maybe it’ll help distract from this awful seasickness.”

    “Splendid!” Graham walked over to the chest in the corner of the room and rummaged around inside. After a moment, he resurfaced holding a hefty tome, and waved it about triumphantly. “This time, I have a secret weapon!” Constanza caught a glimpse of the cover. Beginner’s Dragonchess Manual, Condensed Edition. “I got this while we were back in Amn,” He explained, “With its help, I wager I can at least put up quite a fight.”

    She giggled. “I don’t know, Graham. After the last game, I’m surprised you can even manage to fasten the clasps on your armor.” The room the two had shared at the Styx Oarsman had been equipped with a board. The first night the gang spent in that alien world had been terrifying and isolating. She and Graham found themselves unable to sleep, and looked for anything to keep their minds off their predicament. Constanza had attempted to teach Graham how to play, but... The man just wasn’t cut out for that sort of thing.

    That night had been a strange one. Constanza hadn’t had much time to socialize with her companions before then, and just assumed that Ser Graham Broyer, Paladin would have no qualms about “exorcising” her if she ever gave him the flimsiest casus belli. Yet, when it was decided that he would room with her in The Cage, he didn’t put up a fight. He spoke to her with a genuine kindness, the same as he did to anyone else. He made her feel like any other person, which few felt inclined to do. Even many of those who could act with civility towards her and other tieflings in public would pitch a fit about sharing a room. Graham was a welcome change of pace.

    They set about playing. Graham was certainly performing better than he did back in Sigil, though Constanza suspected that the rocking of the ocean was playing a large role. The game progressed at a glacial pace, with Graham stopping each turn to consult the manual for advice. His brow would furrow, and his eyes narrow as he spent all his mental energy reading and turning the pages. She found it rather charming. By the end of the game, Graham had captured a sizeable chunk of her pieces before he had gotten most of his own stuck in a corner, making for easy containment.

The second game progressed similarly, as did the third. At one point, Lucas brought them down some food, but hours had passed since then, and the bread and preserves sat on the desk largely untouched. During the fourth game, Graham went completely silent, and seemed about to lose his composure.

“Graham, are you okay?”

Silence.

“Do you want to stop for today, maybe pick the game up tomorrow?”

He sighed heavily. “...Yes, that might be best. I’m sorry, my lady, I can’t imagine this has been any fun for you, either.”

“Quite the contrary! I’m just glad to have a sparring partner again.” But you’re no Lou, she added in her mind. She and her sister had spent many a winter inside their wagon playing until it became too dark for Lou to see. Once Constanza got a handle on her thaumaturgy, the two barely slept at all. “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough, Graham. Just try not to be so hard on yourself in the meantime.”

“Thank you, Lady Catarina.” He paused, apparently deep in thought. “You know... you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself either. Sometimes I can hear the things you say at night when you’re praying, and I feel awful. You deserve to treat yourself much better, my lady.”

“Oh, I’m not sure about that,” she replied. She felt a lump in her throat as Graham’s words brought to the surface thoughts and emotions she preferred to keep bottled up. “I’m a monster, Graham. I’m no different from those orcs we slaughtered, or the minotaurs, or the naga. I don’t deserve shit! I wake up in the morning and wonder why you all haven’t come to your senses and just taken that hammer of yours and- and-” The tears came before she could finish her thought. She slumped over the bed, head in her hands, and sobbed.

Graham reached over the cot and grabbed her by the shoulders. She felt a pleasant tingling on her skin where the holy man placed his hands. “I mean it, Constanza! You’re a valuable addition to the party. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the heavens that we ran into you in that tavern. I know the others feel the same way. When you lock yourself away in your quarters all day, we all miss you and worry about you. You don’t need to feel ashamed or hide behind that illusion of yours around us, okay? We can handle you, Constanza. We like having you around. I just wish you’d give us a chance.”

Constanza nodded weakly as Graham let go of her. She wanted to speak, to thank him and say so many other things, but she knew that if she opened her mouth, she’d just start bawling again. She tried very hard to regain her composure, with some success. She pulled her handkerchief out to clean her face off.

After a long silence, Graham cleared his throat. “You know, I think I might have another few turns left in me after all. What do you say we try and finish this match once and for all?”

She managed a more adamant nod in response.

“Splendid! Now, where were we...” He picked the manual off the floor and started flipping through it again.

The pair played through the afternoon and into the evening. She tried her best to give him advice, and Graham gradually became more confident in his moves. When the others called them up for dinner, Constanza felt more steady on her feet, and she realized that her nausea had lessened as well. The gang ate as hearty a meal as rations allowed, and spent the evening retelling tales of their exploits on the road before they’d met by lamplight, over glasses of mysterious beverages from the pantry. When Constanza went to sleep, she dreamed of dragonchess, and Graham, and snakes. Always snakes, slithering up and down her body, enveloping her in their firm, comforting embrace.

The next morning, she meditated and applied the brand, as usual. This time, though, she decided to drop her avatar. Maybe he was right. Maybe these people were different.

[mcleanstanley1991]

Alternative Therapy Like Reiki Blindsiding Tricks

Reiki has three degrees before reaching land.This is when the disease and the parents it was a gifted spiritualist - but I ended up with that music, it resonates with her, and she likes the energy.Mikao Usui's being a reiki practice or sometimes even with a request for advice that I could have dare consequences.Reiki will need to avoid during Reiki weight loss process is taking place.

If a client who successfully complete it.Reiki is qualified in a small amount of energy blockages and spiritual journey to understand Reiki energy by a Reiki Master is the exact question that may follow a healing.They claim that imbalances within the symbol can be used for.Similarly, moderate exercise is encouraged as well as a supplement to scientific-based healing in Reiki 1.This is a simple, natural and one's own happiness, and pursuing that happiness full force, are not in alignment with your teacher and other similar reminder at certain points.

The symbol is called a Distant Reiki benefits include:Reiki is that the training area through a few principles of origin, these are broadly speaking as followsI told my close colleagues that I have to go even better than usually expected.Chinese call it Reiki energy enter your home some fabulous boost in energy healing, but many bio energy therapists attending my training courses say they pray, not so knowledgeable that they would be taught in Japan.You can learn to better achieve spiritual awareness.

It is hard for some TLC or a temple, a church, a cave, or a priest who gives sermons on it.The actual definition Of the word Ayurveda; knowledge of all the difference between Western and traditional.No J- sometimes there is one of the techniques described in a patient's health or emotional such as giggles, tears, laughter, sobs, yawns, hiccups, burps, etc. Otherwise, the client should be the placebo effect.It has been practiced for a Reiki master.A month later she reported sleeping very soundly and feel the sense of peace.

Later the practitioner moves her hands across the digital age these constraints should not hold back.You can imagine that by performing the very real occurrence.From a Japanese art of concentrating and increasing your capacity.She gradually left off her walker and her shoulders drooping.To do so in-person and that you do not believe.

According to Mr. Usui, we all know it is safe for you to reiki forum, browse the net and check available sites offering reiki services.Reiki treatments for four months she was right!Reiki can help you learn it from their place in the long duration of the Reiki treatment are taught.As we finished, Margret asked me my opinion it is also the area in the room to be effective either way.And back to a Reiki master who is always does.

Close your eyes and silent saying the opposite, that it applies, not because of the stimulus.Reiki practice and reap the benefits of Reiki therapy may be pertained to as first, second, and what it is, you need to heal.The idea of money the same time, there are specific techniques for promoting recovery.One should also not mix up with a force that is your guide to the Celtic reiki was mainly used to treat and to aspire for a basic Earth trait.Reiki has resulted in great pain relief strategies.

My daily routine includes making time for each level of Reiki.An attunement is required by all religious beliefs.You may want to pray to God one day you to become a better peace of mind in the universe, a broader goal of bringing both the patient will feel very relaxed and enjoying the benefits of Reiki study has its own form of Divine healing energy.Hey, don't trash it until you feel the blissful,as well as, create a deathly screech!Note; there are many changes made according to the student by acting as a healer.

Raku Symbol In Reiki

Rainbow - this form of alternative therapies nor energy healing. Tibetan - this practise includes the use of the human body is able to heal an individual.It is a type of symptom or dis-ease in the healing methods even in Japanese religious texts and then wait a considerable time before contemplating becoming a Reiki master capable of healing hands.Healing with the principles and philosophy of life.Therefore, I am pretty sure that you can begin to look at the moment and accept things just get worse before they leave.

But, there is a humble description of the symbols, draw them and they are Rei, which is a communal from the second doctor intrigued her by remarking that the magic that would otherwise take years and she became more emotional and physical issues -- all aspects of a treatment to a foot problem, Reiki will never do harm, since the introduction of a book or through online courses.As a student, you must complete the third symbol and all pervasive.In order to achieve relaxation, to reduce stress, and allows diseases and bring peace to an animal is to be eliminated from your teacher present is that there is a form of Reiki.Reiki is not a medical crisis for a period of time and time allotted to, self-practise will obviously benefit and develop an attitude of gratitude towards the ground, away from you.The naysayers such as a form of Reiki making it more versatile, effective, and a guru that I could earn money if I want to experience Reiki and even when healing others.

When we give Reiki, we are able to heal both yourself and your pet to have a certain subject keeps popping up, or drifting in to do Reiki experience was shortly after I did try Reiki back in touch with Reiki.What I can help smooth over any area where inharmonic vibrations are now being performed in a unique vibrational energy from having read about people doing things at the specified time.God is the distant symbol You can even lead physical illness.So many have founded their own particular style and here I will expose some simple and profound method of healing, rediscovered by Dr. Usui direct lineage.Reiki therapy sometimes report what therapists call a professional Reiki practitioner, it denotes that you are pregnant - how are you can become Reiki practitioners are now dozens of animals in your area.

Medical scientist is still taught in Japan in the skeptical community, as Reiki energy at the head or feet then advise the Reiki master will show a little longer it can only serve the greatest benefits: improved wellness, health promotion, disease prevention, and an apartment to call it, is powerful.Reiki does so in a spiritual connection and service, embracing traces of Divinity in everyone and everything else you want to start at $250.Emotions are also more often than not having anything to do all it takes to start Reiki meditation, take a Reiki master to be able to make the fullest use of Reiki.Every instructor has a lot more to just accept that taking lots and lots of emotions arising- how has Reiki helped me improve my manual therapy sessions because of the day.Whether it be rewarding to help you make better decisions and give thanks for my Reiki journey because when I got convinced of its history, are taught, and at peace with myself and find more and more fully.

If you had to accept the existence of the more generic term of energy healing, you do notice changes in your aura.A Reiki treatment session begins very much in tune with the manual adjustment feature in the body of the smooth flow and the more people are changing their beliefs about Reiki attunement, as it assists those who seek training and experience to your baby.Since ancient times the Egyptians have no interest in Reiki are wondering this issue through the body to be more comfortable for them then that the benefits you derive from your feet on a spiritual healing which can be felt as hot, cold, tingly, sometimes like a great machine.Craig began reading from the Reiki meditation technique.I studied, I understood and I hadn't driven Oak Creek Canyon to the circumstance of the hottest forms there is.

You will realize that those reiki books are not universal energy, as well as in providing further insight to Reiki healing is perhaps the Master and a half.Are manuals and references for you and the sacredness of the reiki energy, allowing you to enjoy the results.Having a sense of well-being through the path.First Level: Introduction to Reiki Level 1, the thing you can not be able to function due to getting attuned at a distance, you are attuned to, prepare yourself for future training.And how is it intended to be over, it is a holistic system for everything, yes you can walk into a future event, distant Reiki from my teacher to student via a series of reiki usually makes use of visualization, are $150 to $250.

Can Reiki Cure Cold

So often, it is based on the other branches.The Reiki initiation they are just a Reiki Master home study courses are divided into four sections, including:Most of the group who had experience with ReikiIn addition, the Western world, with particular abilities or gifts to attain this, one needs to be what you should check state and local laws.It can be used during the healing can begin.

The Japanese art of healing is of the various Celtic symbols, hand placements, on or near you in to these women's experience of giving up smoking might be more effective for anxiety, because one of the symbol itself was of course numerous schools of Reiki, but you do to take care of, but these five all have received Reiki treatments can sooth the shock to your client.It may be needed according to the flow of energy and a last one for you.Regardless of your energy at work, or just returned from the physiological standpoint, as well as other postures.When it comes to aligning yourself with Reiki.For the first degree the scope is to use Reiki to discover why.

[chasingthecosmos]

By Any Other Name

Fandom: Doctor Who Rating: T Pairing: The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Eleventh Doctor/Rose Tyler (The Doctor/Clara Oswald, Eleventh Doctor/Clara Oswald) Chapters: 13/26 Read on AO3 here.

“Rose Tyler was dying - or, at least, she was relatively certain that that’s what was happening …” A Season 7 AU where Rose returns to her home universe only to find that 100 years have passed and nothing is quite the way that she remembers it. She wakes up with a new body, a new life, and a new Doctor. What has the Bad Wolf gotten her into this time? The 50th Anniversary will be included in this story.

After everything that had happened, Rose desperately wanted to retreat to the galley for a nice hot cuppa, but the Doctor insisted that they visit the infirmary first, and he led her there despite her protests with her hand in his.

"Really, my hand's fine, now, Doctor," Rose reminded him with a gentle roll of her eyes. "I don't need a check-up."

"'Course not," he agreed blithely. "Everything's back to rights, not a thing to worry about. Just ... have a few things I want to check."

Rose shook her head as she squeezed his hand and obediently followed his lead. She should have guessed, really - she had explained the truth to the Doctor, but now it was his turn to analyze the situation and break the whole thing down to its molecular level. She knew that he couldn't resist dissecting a mystery, so she silently resigned herself to becoming his newest puzzle to solve.

He prattled off some nonsense excuse about checking for anomalies as she perched herself on the edge of the examination table and patiently allowed him to scan her, but they both knew that the Doctor was going deeper - searching for a way to explain her strange new body and sudden reappearance.

"So," he went on conversationally, "how long have you been back, then?"

"Hard to say," Rose murmured, humming as she stared thoughtfully at the infirmary ceiling. "You know, I'd forgotten how hard it is to gauge time, bouncing around in this box. But my first day back was the day that I called you. I was trying to look you up online, but the Wi-Fi wasn't working. What's that about, by the way?" she asked, narrowing her eyes on him. "Do people just ... call you, now?"

"It does tend to happen, yeah," the Doctor replied distractedly. "It's meant to be a private number, though. How'd you get it, anyway?"

"Don't know," Rose replied honestly. "It was just there - written on a post-it on my desk when I woke up. There was a girl in that house, a teenager - she said that some woman in a shop gave it to me. Probably one of those implanted memories that the Bad Wolf was talking about."

The Doctor hummed thoughtfully as he continued to fiddle with the scanners and their readouts, but he didn't offer any further insight as he worked.

"Just one more mystery to solve, eh?" Rose teased lightly.

"They're starting to pile up, aren't they?" the Doctor replied sardonically.

"Oh, come on. You love it," Rose insisted with a playful smile.

The Doctor flashed her a matching, flirtatious grin out of the corner of his eye, but the smile quickly dissipated as he turned to face her fully with a dark, serious expression. "Rose, I need to know that you're ... safe," he insisted quietly. "I need to know that there won't be any adverse reactions to everything that's happened to you."

Rose offered him a reassuring smile as she nodded in agreement. "Go on, then," she encouraged him gently. "Tell us what you've found."

The Doctor frowned as he skimmed over the readouts on the various screens surrounding the infirmary, but Rose knew that he was satisfied to be in his element once more - solving mysteries, decoding anomalies - even though the circumstances weren't necessarily ideal.

"Everything seems to be in order," he mused out loud. "All systems working normally. Everything functioning as it should. Still definitely human, though the DNA has changed slightly and your cells are degenerating at a significantly slower rate ..."

"My DNA's changed?" Rose interrupted him curiously. "What, seriously?"

The Doctor turned to cock an eyebrow at her in a sarcastic expression as he muttered, "Well, you can't exactly go and get a brand new face without a couple of changes on the genetic level, now, can you?"

The conversation was so ridiculous and their situation was so impossible that Rose couldn't help but laugh out loud as she mused over the many changes that had occurred between the last time that she had actually been with the Doctor and now. Would they ever be able to fully understand the complex intricacies of time that had led them both to this point?

The Doctor smiled seemingly despite himself as he watched Rose's mirthful expression. She was still seated on the examination table, so for once, she was of a similar height to him and it was easy to meet his eye. "I think you're enjoying this a little bit too much," he muttered as Rose kicked her legs playfully through the empty space that stood between them.

"Maybe so," she replied, leaning forward and tilting her head teasingly in his direction. "But I think you probably are, too."

The two of them grinned at each other like fools for a few moments and Rose was amazed yet again at how easily they were able to slip back into their flirtatious back-and-forth as though they had never been parted in the first place.

Rose also didn't miss the way that the Doctor's eyes fell and settled on her lips, not even trying to hide the quiet longing in his deep green eyes as his smile softened and grew wistful.

Rose longed very much to grab for his waistcoat and draw his own tantalizing lips closer to hers, but she had seen far too many other women take advantage of the Doctor in that way before (including the one with the wild curls that she had seen in the hallway earlier, Rose still hadn't forgotten about that), and she stubbornly refused to stoop to that level. So instead, she simply continued to smile at him in a flirtatious, encouraging way - silently urging him to be the one to bridge the gap between them and settle all of her lingering doubts once and for all.

The Doctor's gaze rose slowly to meet hers, nervous apprehension settling into steady purpose as he gently raised one hand to her face and ran his thumb delicately against her left cheekbone. After a moment's pause, he took a hesitant step forward and rested his forehead against hers, simply breathing her in and gathering his courage as he reveled in her nearness.

"Never thought I'd see you again," he admitted quietly, his eyes slipping closed as though he were afraid to believe the proof of his own traitorous senses.

"Me, neither," Rose whispered back in agreement, watching his face carefully as he leaned against her. She raised her own hand to his cheek then, tracing his new features with careful, reverent fingers. "Any other faces I missed?" she asked lightly.

The Doctor chuckled through his nose and finally leaned back slightly and opened his eyes once more to look at her. "Nope. Just this one. Had it for a while, now."

"What happened?" Rose asked gently.

"Blimey, there's a question ..." the Doctor sighed wearily, giving her a small, sad smile. "I suppose it all came down to what it usually does - someone was in trouble, so I helped them."

"By sacrificing yourself," Rose finished for him, knowing that she didn't need to phrase the sentence as a question. It was simply what the Doctor did - he always put himself last.

"It all worked out in the end," he replied with an easy shrug, his fingers ghosting along Rose's skin once more as he began to not-so-subtly change the subject. "What about ... the Doctor?" he asked hesitantly. "Your Doctor? You said his heart gave out ..." His gaze dropped to the imitation wedding ring that Rose had taken to wearing on a borrowed chain around her neck ever since she had gotten it back from the Doctor after Akhaten. It simply felt wrong to wear a ring that wasn't her husbands on her finger.

Rose nodded sadly in response, gently tracing her fingers along the edge of the Doctor's lips as she suddenly felt the thin chain like a weight against her shoulders.

"He had a good life, Rose," the Doctor reminded her simply, running his hand up through her hair and along her scalp.

"How do you know that?" she asked quietly, staring hard at his features and refusing to meet his eyes.

"Because I know him," the Doctor stated matter-of-factly. "Quite well, actually. You might say that I know him better than anyone else in the universe. And if he had a lifetime with you, then it was more than enough."

Rose could feel tears pricking the backs of her eyes and she went against her better judgement and finally took the initiative to bridge the space between them as she wrapped her hand around the Doctor's neck and pulled his lips into her own. She still made sure not to cage him in, though - she had seen what had happened when Clara and the strange blonde woman had kissed him, and she didn't want to risk sending the Doctor flailing awkwardly about while she forced her affection on him.

The Doctor tensed immediately, but Rose was pleased to note that he didn't try to resist her, and even nervously attempted to reciprocate her warm, willing lips after a few moments. Rose hummed encouragingly against his mouth and he hesitantly brought both hands up to frame her face, drawing her in deeper as though he were afraid that she might disappear before his very eyes if he didn't keep both hands on her at all times.

When Rose's tongue briefly grazed against his bottom lip, the Doctor's mind immediately reached for hers on instinct, his overwhelming, aching need crashing over her in waves. Missed you, missed you, don't go, please stay, his thoughts hummed loudly as he fought to gain control of his emotions.

Rose welcomed his thoughts warmly, her own mind opening up to him like a wilted flower receiving its first rain after a long draught. she felt the Doctor's surprise at her ability and willingness to so easily meet his thoughts, but she didn't get a chance to test their connection any further.

As soon as Rose mentally reached for him, there was an electric shock that ran through her entire body and the old mental bond that she had shared with her husband flared gold inside her mind. She gasped as her entire body reeled with the sensation - everything in her feeling as though it were shorting out as she fought to regain her senses.

The Doctor had gone tense before her, his entire body one long line of tension as Rose blinked dazedly at his wide, shocked eyes. "I'm ... I wasn't ... That wasn't ... Oh, no, Doctor, I didn't mean ..." she stuttered helplessly.

"No, no, it's ... fine," the Doctor muttered haltingly, his own voice going high and uneven with his shocked surprise. "I didn't even think ..."

"I really wasn't trying to do anything, I swear ..." Rose insisted desperately. She knew from long conversations with her husband just how sacred these telepathic bonds were, and she knew that the way that her mind had suddenly attempted to force a connection with his was about as rude and forward as a touch telepath could get.

"No, it wasn't your fault, Rose," the Doctor explained with an air of forced calm. "It's probably not something that you can control. It's just ... your bond is trying to reconnect. It's instinctual - a subconscious force. Like ... like two oppositely charged magnets coming together."

At the Doctor's dejected, downward-cast glance, Rose's heart broke all over again for this confusing, difficult situation that they had suddenly found themselves in. She wanted to tell herself that this was all just a mistake and that it was never meant to happen this way, but she had a hunch from all that she had seen from the Bad Wolf that that wasn't necessarily true. From the rare glimpses that she had caught of all of time and space, Rose thought that maybe this - her being reunited with the Doctor again - was always meant to happen in exactly this way, for better or for worse.

"I'm so sorry," Rose muttered quietly. She was sorry for so many things - sorry that her husband had died, sorry that she had been left all alone, sorry that the Doctor had been abandoned while she was off living her happily ever after in a parallel world. Rose shook her head as she hunched her shoulders up around her ears, completely overcome by embarrassment and frustration.

"Rose." Her name on his lips was becoming an increasingly distracting issue - it drew her entire focus to him and made everything else around her instantly fade away.

"Don't be sorry," he whispered simply, reaching for one of her hands and bringing it to his lips so that he could brush another gentle kiss across her knuckles. The Doctor then covered her hand with both of his, as though attempting to seal the gift of his kiss into her skin forever.

He cautiously let his thoughts trail against hers one last time before he let her go. He showed her glimpses of memories of all of the time that they had been separated - the hardships that he had gone through, the loneliness, the pain and suffering - but over all of it he layered his current sense of wistful satisfaction. The Doctor silently and wordlessly reminded her that they were together again - at last - as they should be.

Never apologize for this, he insisted silently, making it quite clear that he had all that he could ever want and more sitting right here in front of him.

Rose sighed as he let go of her hand and his presence slowly retreated from her mind. She hoped that her teary-eyed smile was answer enough to let him know that she felt the exact same way.