#that me being nice to you is such a monumental event

[frostedmelone]

There's so many people I've met on the internet through the years that are always so used to people being cruel or rude to them and when I'm nice they always say they love being around me but it just makes me so...... sad. Like everyone deserves someone who is genuinely kind to them and yeah joking around and being mean to your pals is fine when you respect boundaries but when it's a constant thing it just weirds me out. I love being nice to people. I love spreading kindness. What do you get from being a huge jackass to everyone, including people who you claim to be very close to? I dunno.

Everyone deserves to be loved by their friends!! It's one of my favorite things to make my friends smile and make them feel good about themselves. It feels like everyone is always so ready to put their friends down for a joke. I love lifting mine up!!! Maybe it's just me. But I am a lover at heart.

[ratgirlexe]

To wrap up my thoughts on HDG as horror, now that I’m no longer in severe pain and writing my thoughts at 3 am:

I think the best summary of it all is that it’s hard for me to go into any given story and feel truly horrified, because I know on a meta textual level that everything is going to work out in the end, and the characters will likely be happier than when they started. I don’t know how to suspend my disbelief in the idea that ultimately things will work out, so even if the main character goes through any number of acts which are horrifying in *theory*. I almost empathize more with the affini putting them through that experience, more so than the character who’s point of view I’m seeing things from.

Are you a rebel feralist being put through awake surgery for your haustoric implant? It might be the scariest experience of your life, but that just means you get to be a floret now! You’ll have someone to care for and love you forever, and you’ll never have to be alone. Give it a week and you’ll be thanking them for doing so.

How about if you’re a terminally ill patient at end-of-life, or in excruciating pain that even the affini can't somehow solve? That's okay! We'll get you on a nice tasty regimen of class-O's, and you'll never hurt or be afraid again. There will be nothing but unending bliss, and you won't even realize that you're hurting. Not all suffering can be prevented, and eventually it all has to end, but heaven is real, and we've placed it inside you. Even in that last situation, which is the most personally scary to me, there's a certain level of bitter sweetness to it all. Maybe it's just the pain I've been in, but there aren't quite as many ways to end someones life that are as kind as bliss never-ending.

Ultimately I think it's just the fact that I know the affini are benevolent within the story, which makes even the most harrowing or scary events take on a more lighthearted tone for me. Yes, getting to where you want to be, where you *need* to be can be really scary. I'm autistic. Change is terrifying, change is death, and some changes can feel too monumental to ever surmount on your own. But to me HDG is a true escapist fantasy that says "Even if this change is scary, even if you can't choose to change for the better, even if the process hurts or makes you feel like you're dying, I'll be here with you to hold your hand and guide you through it. You don't have to go through it alone, and by the end you'll be able to blossom into who I know you can be."

And to me that's just not scary or horrifying. That's something that I yearn for each and every day.

[spacelessbian]

DWP AU idea

idea for Mirandy White House AU which I would love to read, but can't write because I haven't finished a fic in about million years and this one would need to be long and complex

I just need to get it out of my system before I start writing it and abandon it after seven pages as usual. But maybe it could inspire someone?

here goes...

Miranda Priestly is a senator with a little bit of a reputation among staffers in Washington. Basically everybody and nobody wants to work for her, because she is tough and mean on purpose, but if you endure, she will help your career. If you're competent, that is.

Andy Sachs studies law or politology (or something like that) and she ends up interning for senator Priestly's office during one of her summer breaks. She learns a lot but ultimately decides she never wants to work for or with Miranda ever again. She develops a little crush on her but it's just a summer thing, it will pass. And it does, for a while.

Three or four years later, Andy gets her first job in Washington. Because she doesn't come from a wealthy or connected family, she doesn't have many options, especially since she is not that great at networking, so she ends up working for and elderly senator, who everyone knows will retire sooner than later. Still, Andy appreciates the opportunity and embraces the whole thing.

Meanwhile Miranda Priestly is no longer a senator, but a recently elected vice president, currently not in a great position as she is going through a rather public divorce. Andy follows the whole thing way more thoroughly than she would admit.

Andy's boss announces his retirement about a year into Andy's employment and she goes to a bar to drown her sorrows. There she crushes into Serena and Emily. She met Emily during her internship and Emily, just like in the movie, doesn't like Andy very much. Serena is happy to socialize however and after hearing about Andy's job situation, she tells her there is an opening in Miranda's office staff. The office being in the White House, Andy jumps at the opportunity, especially after being told that she wouldn't actually interact with the veep directly much if at all.

This works for a while. Miranda is way too busy to notice Andy, or so Andy thinks. It seems that Miranda doesn't remember Andy at all, which Andy thinks is great news. Andy enjoys working with the rest of the staff and is soon noticed for being good at what she is given to do. She eventually gets a promotion to a different position - a position much closer to the veep than originally expected. This also turns out to be fine. Andy is not as clueless as she was in canon, so Miranda has less reason to berate her. In fact they start getting closer...

About a year into Andy working in the White House, there is a party. Maybe a celebration. What ends up happening is Andy and Miranda kiss. It is very mutual and it rocks Andy's world. And then, literally the morning after this monumental event, Andy wakes up to the biggest news: the president resigned and Miranda Priestly will take his place. Suddenly the impossible romance became even more impossible.

That's all, that's the pitch.

Additional idea: Nigel could be Miranda's friend (not her staff), maybe he hopes to become her veep, but she appoints the (absolutely American) rival politician Jacqueline Follet instead to keep her in check or something? That could be nice. Anyway. If anyone could write something like this for me, that would be great lol.

[darlingshane]

better than indica

Sam Rossi x GN!Reader

Summary: Sam needs a distraction from his pain, and you're happy to help him out.

Content/Warnings: 18+. Explicit, Smut, BJ, Come Swallowing, Drug Mention, Pet names.

Word Count: 1k // AO3 Link.

A/N: This was written for Naughty or Nice Prompt fest @bernthirst-events. Prompt: Giving Sam Rossi head.

A shiver runs down your spine as you rid your body of clothes in the dim light room of the motel. Though the heat is on, the blistering cold from a winter night clings to your skin even after closing the door. It’s Sam stare that thrills you to be fair. He's lying on his back, head propped on a pillow. His shirt is off, the honey soft glow of the lamp highlights the curves of his torso, warms up his bare skin. His jeans are still on, belt buckled low down his waist. You can see the defined lines of Adonis belt that trail down his lower abdomen, ending somewhere underneath the denim.

Sam was half asleep when you entered the room and now, his eyes are wide open, holding his breath, watching you carefully remove every layer of fabric away from your body until there's nothing left but your underwear. Even though your back is turned to him, you can feel the fire of his browns tenderly caressing and warming every inch of your back.

When you turn around, his eyes have shut down, but you know he’s fully awake by the way the denim fabric bulges below the silver buckle. That’s all it takes to make him hard these days. Just a gaze. Just some exposed skin. And you're no better. You're just as easily turned on by laying eyes on him. Exactly like this moment right here as you slowly crawl onto the mattress from the way down, you can feel that tingle between your legs of being so close to him. His scent is soft but blissfully intoxicating. The tip of your nose grazes his beard as you get into position on all fours, hovering over his body.

“I know you’re awake, honey,” you whisper oh so dangerously close to his lips. “Saw you watching me.”

The corners of his lips draw a bashful grin as his eyes flick open.

“I didn't mean to stare–” one of his hands finds your arm. Your skin sticks out as he gently draws circles with his thumb along your forearm.

“It’s okay, baby. I like it when you look at me.” You plant a soft kiss on his mouth and tug his belt. “Why are these still on?”

“I was too tired to take them off. You know how it goes.”

“Yeah? Bum leg giving you a hard time tonight again?” Your fingers dance slowly along the line of his waistband. “Do you need a little distraction?”

“Need a big distraction.”

“Okay, lemme take care of you.”

Glancing down, you unbuckle his belt and open his fly. Then you find his stare as your hand slips under the elastic of his underwear. You bite your lip watching his expression turn as you gently place your palm over his mild erection and massage it ever so carefully until it starts to swell harder. You curl your fingers a little stronger each time, filling your fist with his firm length. Your head bows to capture his mouth, and he feeds you the sweetest moan as you pump him a little rougher, making him spill a few early drops all over your fingers. You use those to up the rhythm and let his head spin away from the pain. Once he’s completely surrendered to your touch, you pull away from his kiss, scooting back to kneel between his legs. You peel his jeans along with his boxers further down to uncover the erect monument you've built at his center.

Licking your lips, you glance at his eyes to see him fully immersed in a lust spell as you bow down to take him in your mouth. Without breaking eye contact, you stick your tongue out and as the tip grazes the underside of his cock it jolts on reflex against your lips. You trace the hard edge of his length all the way up, and then repeat the same motion but firmly pressing the plane of your tongue over his hardness, leaving a trail of spit. You wrap one hand at the base and keep him up as your lips sensually suck on the tip, collecting his arousal. Taking him further into your mouth, you seal your lips tightly around him as your head bobs up and down, gradually faster. Sam can't help but submit to the pleasure you provide. The grunts buried deep in his throat tell you how much he's enjoying you eating his cock. He would shove it down your throat if he had the strength to hold your head and thrust into you, but right now he can barely lift his hips. It's easy to see how he aches more by the way he curses under his breath or how his fingers struggle to grip at your hair.

You got him. Through and through, you take it further and viciously suck every inch of his cock, pushing him further into that sweet undoing.

“Oh, fuck, that’s good, sweetheart…” his voice comes out ragged. “Yeah, just like that. Keep… going…”

You hum around his firmness, keeping a steady pace and granting him that big relief he needs.

Sam can barely keep his eyes open, but he forces them to stay wide so he can see your perfect lips curled around him, taking him full into the depth of your mouth. He can feel your tongue, the pressure of your lips, and his head touching the back of your throat when you go further down.

When he reaches the edge, you move your free hand to grab his balls and give him that ultimate push that has his cock spill everything inside your mouth. A deep grunt bounces off the walls as you squeeze him tightly in your fist for a couple of seconds. His whole body shivers beneath you, taken mindlessly to that plane where there’s no pain, just sheer pleasure, as you drink every last drop.

Drawing a breath, you let him go and lean back and lick your lips watching him gasping for air. His chest rises and falls. His stomach hollows as you place your palm there to capture the heat emanating from his torso.

“C’mere. You always take such good care of me, baby,” he breathlessly tucks an arm around you and pulls you down to his side. “I don't know what I'd do without you.”

“Yeah? Did it make you feel better?”

“Much better, sweetheart.”

“Better than indica?”

“Definitely better than indica.”

“I doubt that,” you scoff, and Sam laughs softly, holding you closer to him. “But I’ll take it.”

[thebibliosphere]

What is the gameplay like on Gotham Knights? I have poor coordination so I have trouble with anything more complex than LOZ: Ocarina of Time. Like, on a scale of Pokémon->Dragon Age->LOZ->Dark Souls?

It's a bit clunky like Dragon Age 2, tbh. Except it doesn't have the excuse of coming out in 2011. The mechanics and camera controls are one of the things that let it down a lot, IMO.

I’m constantly getting stuck on walls and the edge of ledges because the controls feel laggy and the game’s not consistent about which surfaces you can climb and which ones you need to grapple. It's fine if you’re fighting in more open spaces but it turns the timed events into an exercise in frustration. Not to mention the number of times it feels like I’ve taken damage through an obstacle from enemy ranged attacks when my own ranged attacks bounce off invisible walls if I’m not standing in the exact spot the game needs me to be in. This results in me just key smashing melee a lot until every around me stops twitching.

I’m still enjoying it, but it is v. glitchy and I understand why people are leaving angry reviews. Especially if they are deeply committed to the immersive elements and were expecting the same level of polish from the Arkham games, which this studio also made.

I’m just casual enough a gamer that I’m enjoying muttering “parkour” to myself as I accidentally fall off buildings and plumet to my death because my graple hook glitched out and went the exact opposite way I’d been aiming.

I’m really just playing it for the characters. It feels like playing a a game written by people who understand the appeal of found family that went hard on the campier elements of the franchise while still maintaining a decent level of aching sadness for the tragedy they’ve endured.

You can feel the group fracturing under the weight of Bruce’s death with Dick doing everything he can to fill the void and stay positive and “normal” for the sake of everyone around him, including Alfred who is devastated but also trying to keep it together. Barbara, mourning an extra loss, is trying so hard to stay level headed and useful for Dick. Being both Oracle and Batgirl while also acting like a fun big sister to Tim who stands out as really young in this iteration.

Sure he’s a kid genius, but he’s also only 16 with a monumental caffeine addiction (you can’t tell me all the energy drinks on the shopping list pinned to the fridge aren’t for him) and mourning the loss of Bruce while also just wanting to do normal teenage shit, like asking the group for help with his art homework and being annoyed that his role as Robin is keeping him from spending time with his online boyfriend.

Jay is very raw and angry and obviously processing his own trauma on top of everything that just happened but even he steps up, trying to be there for Tim, teaming up with Babs to gently pick on Dick when he’s being particularly Boy Wonder-ish. Seeing him stress cook is also a nice added touch as are the photos of him and Bruce working on stuff. Bonding.

Which is another thing I Love. From what we see of him, Bruce is in his absolute DILF element in flashbacks and in recordings. All sad smiles and a gentle, head-shaking tolerance for the absolute ribbing the kids put him through for being too serious and neglecting himself. Not to mention all the pictures of him with Dick and Tim and Jason. And so many of him and Alfred and Ace. (The one on the fridge of him and Alfred showing them adopting Dick at the courthouse almost killed me. They all looked so young and happy.)

I’m getting serious “Bruce is a good dad with a warped sense of humor who hugs his kids and spends quality time with them, actually, and you’re wrong if you write him otherwise” fanon vibes, and that's honestly my favorite Bruce.

It’s basically appealing to everything I love about the franchise while scratching an itch in my brain the way crackfic taken seriously does.

And that’s enough to make me forgive the bad controls and glitches. But I could see it not being enough for some people, especially if you’ve already got poor hand eye coordination. Which I do. But again, I don’t really care about being good at games. I’m just dicking around and having fun wringing dopamine out of the narrative.

[skyloftsword]

Why Tears of the Kingdom is the Breath of the Wild I was hoping for

Alright, so before I get into my rant. I really like Breath of the Wild. It's a very fun game and the events of 100 years ago are super interesting. It just... unfortunately let me down after Skyward Sword in two aspects that I personally feel Tears of the Kingdom succeeded at for me. Story and dungeons. Also please don't tell me to watch a Youtuber on why TotK is worse than nuclear war. I make my own opinions and my take on TotK is very unlikely to change. I have done 6 playthroughs and still feel this way. Spoiler warning.

Okay, so my issue with Breath of the Wild's story is how it feels like a mess at times. The memories don't even try to tell anything coherent outside of the final few. Some of them even need journals for any payoff as well. This system also limited the Champions from getting any development or character arcs. It took until Tears for me to appreciate them because Hyrule was still grateful for them. Revali's bow being treasured by Teba, Riju prays to Lady Urbosa in her diary, Mipha got Mipha's Court and Sidon's entire character arc was about how her death still haunts him and he doesn't want that to happen ever again. Daruk... got lights added to his statue's eyes I guess. Anyways, Tears' equivalent to them is the Neo Sages. Tulin, Riju, Sidon and Yunobo. They each get their own arc and you can tell how much they have grown since Breath of the Wild. What makes them better here is that they actually are relevant for more than just the Divine Beast boarding segments. Sidon deals with fear of losing his beloved Yona just like how he lost Mipha 105ish years ago, yet Yona and Link bring him to his senses. Riju goes from being stressed out about how she's too weak to defend Gerudo Town from the Gibdos with her aim, but Link returning reassures her. Tulin goes from being arrogant and thinking he can do anything all by himself to realizing that charging ahead all on his own is a bad idea and that working as a team is the best way to do things. Yunobo goes from being a manipulated crack dealer to being cowardly again for a bit to becoming courageous and willing to fight to defend Hyrule. These arcs help me appreciate the characters a LOT more. The Old Sages intentionally aren't fully fleshed out characters and its fine because they're barely on screen (their names are Ruto, Darunia, Nabooru and possibly just Medoh for the Rito Sage). Ganondorf being an actual character really helps as well. He wants to use the godlike power of the Secret Stones to his advantage to achieve total rule of the world (in the English localization at least). Rauru and Sonia are wonderful characters that actually try to help Zelda achieve her goal of returning to her time (nice opposition of Rhoam forcing her to achieve her light powers and being harsh towards her). Unlike the events of 100 years ago, the memories/Tears in this game actually focus on telling what led to the Imprisoning War in a specific order. The events in the memories and Tears also are all relevant and side stuff was pushed to the Stone Monument side adventure. Unfortunately the game is less linear than Breath (which honestly should be the other way around and is a massive storytelling issue), however Impa at least alludes to the order of the Tears when you go to the Forgotten Temple after the first one. The Fifth Sage quest is also an incredible questline that did what BotW should have done. It showed the Imprisoning War and how Ganondorf shouldn't be taken lightly. I seriously feel let down not seeing Link and Zelda fight the Calamity and losing. Also thank god you don't have to do an absurdly tedious backtrack quest to unlock the Camera, Tears, the Champion Leathers and the Kohga fight.

Onto the dungeons. I don't get why people switched up on the Divine Beasts in a positive way. They have a great gimmick and the "fights" are cool but that's it. The puzzles are... fine I guess? The visuals are cookie cutter and so are the bosses in every aspect except gameplay (and are basically just the Calamity split into 1/4). Tears' Temples are legitimately the most enjoyable dungeons in the series for me. The atmosphere, music, puzzles having a large amount of solutions, etc. Not to mention the boss fights actually being unique and very fun this time (BotW had some bangers too like Koshia and Thunderblight) and have unique fight themes that are so, so, so good. Seized Construct might be my favorite non-final battle boss theme for me. Also the pre-dungeon segments actually feeling like dungeons for 4/5 of them really helped make me like them more. Both games also have great and bad Shrines. TotK has far less bad ones and has a much better vibe with it's Shrines.

Anyways, ramble over. Thanks for reading. The only reason I made this post was because I was pissed off due to personal reasons. I love these games and this series so please don't take this as me hating BotW.

[quinloki]

(⋆ˆ ³ ˆ)♥ hey hey hey!!! This is for the OP kinks:

can I request Crocodile, Shanks, and Mihawk for creampie, merinthophilia, and somnophilia? Thanks u

Awww, what a nice heart ^_^ Thank you!

*puts on glasses and pulls out Dictionary* Merinth--... WHAT?

Merinthophilia is the condition of experiencing sexual arousal when bound, restrained, or tied up.

...

i thought that was called bondage. Holy fuck there's a word for--

Oh, oh, ilu. You have made my evening <3 I have learned something monumentally interesting to me, thank you <3

Heck I don't know where to start... BY KINK. Let's do it that way.

Creampie: (Hey there's a definition #2 for this, but we're gonna stick with the one I know.)

Sir Crocodile - FUCK Yes - Possessive man that he is, Crocodile is most assuredly into this. Filling you up, where ever it is, and just admiring you afterward. Short of scarring and branding, he very much enjoys marking you as his inside and out. He'll easily tattoo you and get your piercings if you let him, but even the temporary marks and moments like these are enough for him. He's not necessarily looking to have little ones running around, but he's also not against it - you better make sure your stance on the possibilities are clear, so the proper precautions can be taken.

Shanks - I guess - In a rare turn of events, this doesn't rank high for Shanks. Usually he's up for and open to just about anything and everything. But kids are a complication, and they're a risk for this kind of kink. He's fine to take the proper precautions - and an anal creampie would be close to a FUCK Yes, but even so, he'd rather cover you with his cum than you fill you with it.

Mihawk - Yes - It's not necessarily a matter of possessiveness, or even of needing to mark you. The simple fact is, you are beautiful to him, and perhaps you a little bit more beautiful when you're full of him, or covered in him. There's a sweet shift in your voice when he cums inside you that is music to his ears. It's subtly different from the other sounds you make, and he loves all your sweet music.

Merinthophilia:

Sir Crocodile - No - he has zero desire to be bound. This is a man of control, and he's not keen on any kind of restriction. He is as free and shifting as the very sands, and there's nothing appealing to him in being bound.

On the reverse side of that, he's more than happy to bind you. He'll become a master of knots, locks, and leather if there's pleasure to be pulled from you because of it. There's the added bonus of the marks such forms of bondage leave behind. The intricate patterns from light rope burn - marks he's left on you.

Shanks - FUCK Yes - Oh please, tie him up, have your way with him. He'll struggle and beg and play along so sweetly. He does enjoy it, but there's always something in that smirk of his - and it's probably something you both know - but there are no binds either of you are aware of that could actually hold him. Haki and physical strength both make it impossible to fully restrain him, but it doesn't mean he can't revel in the sensation of it.

He's also more than happy to restrain you, teaser and pleaser that he is. He might not be the fast rigger since he lost his arm, but he's still surprisingly skilled at it.

Mihawk - Sure - If it brings you pleasure to tie him up or restrain him, he'll allow it. It doesn't make him uncomfortable, but there's no deep enthusiasm for him from it.

On the other side of it, he's a patient, almost meditative rigger when it comes to tying you up. Soft kisses, gentle caresses, he practically worships your body as he restricts you. He manages to practically leave you unmarked no matter what. Everything is snug and restrictive and pleasurable, and with barely an ache or mark. (Unless you admit to liking that part, then things would be different).

Somnophilia (I did this for Sir Crocodile and Mihawk, so I just copy-pasted - it's bound to happen, I have a bit of a backlog <3 ):

Sir Crocodile - I dunno - I don't think this is really Croco's vibe. I mean, I think he enjoys watching you sleep in a "they feel safe sleeping soundly around me, and I love that" kind of way. I'm sure watching over you while you sleep you'll move or moan or do something that also reminds him that there's attraction there, but I don't think he'd leave you sleeping at that point. He doesn't want to hear half-sleepy mumbled moans, he wants you to squirm and thrash under him, crying out pleasure and his name clearly.

Shanks - FUCK Yes - Can you blame him? You sleep so sweetly, and you're beautiful awake or resting. Shanks doesn't get much quiet time, so no matter how much time you wish you could dedicate to each other, it's usually on a premium. He's got amazing self-control, snuggling up to you and falling asleep wrapped up in you. Never waking you up despite the boner pressed into your back.

Most mornings when there's time enough for it though, you are awoken to less restrained Shanks. Hands and lips wander, a soft voice murmuring for you to sleep a few more minutes. He's just going to appreciate you a little longer, don't mind him.

Sometimes you go back to sleep, sometimes you shift and tease him and you both end up going a round under Beckman's pounding on the door barking for Shanks to get moving.

Mihawk - Yes - He would never admit to such recklessness, but Mihawk is enamored with you, there's simply no two ways about it. For him to focus on anything that isn't his swordsmanship means you've carved (heh) a place in his heart and life that's undeniable. It's complete and sometimes it's almost overbearing to him. He's not surprised to find himself turned on by your sleeping form, though he may grumble about needing more training (to himself). He does take some time to admit it to you and talk about it, and is certainly happy to have your blessing to do whatever he needs to help him take care of that desire.

And this unnaturally gentle and skilled man can have his way with you while you sleep and have you cleaned up and back in bed without disturbing a moment of your precious rest. Usually the only reason you even know anything happened is because your hair's damp in the morning from the bath.

Kinky One Piece Head Canon

[ae-azile]

Progression: Chapter 29 Preview

While Chay does work this evening, he may have lied about why he needed to leave for his shift early.

“There is an event,” Chay says to Kim, which is true, “I am going in to help set up and make sure new bottles are at the bar. I’ll be back late.”

Kim buys it. None of it is a lie, but there is an omission of one, single truth. If the circumstances were different, Chay would have no issues with telling Kim he's meeting Ye Joon. But Kim is weird about him, and Chay isn't sure if it comes from a persistent insecurity, a past experience with another producer, or something more complex than either of those things. If Ye Joon wasn't a respected producer and shareholder at the label Chay is now working under, he feels like he would pull away since Kim has such an issue with him. But he is a respected producer and shareholder, one who is involved with big international stars and bands.

And for some reason, he has taken an interest in Chay and his talent. Kim’s as well, but Kim doesn't really need Ye Joon’s support. He's already made it. With the new album, Kim’s place in the music industry will only become more monumental. Chay is still new, and while being featured on Kim’s album is a big deal, it still might not establish him as a separate talent.

At least, that's what Ye Joon says. But Ye Joon has been a powerhouse in the industry for twenty years. He knows what he is talking about. If he thinks Chay is worth putting work into, then he is going to be grateful for that and not mess it up. Kim should understand that.

But Chay also feels like Kim would make a big deal about him going to Ye Joon’s apartment. It was there or the studio, and Ye Joon made a good point about how bad traffic gets downtown around this time. Ye Joon’s apartment is also close to Yok’s, so it made more sense to meet there.

Kim probably wouldn't see it that way, but it will be fine. Chay knows it.

“Right on time,” Ye Joon says, smiling as he lets Chay inside. It's a nice, luxury apartment, one that is only half unpacked. Despite that, Ye Joon has two wine glasses out filled halfway and candles lit.

…Maybe he just likes soft, warm lighting. Kim is the same way.

“Here,” Ye Joon says, putting his hand on the small of Chay’s back as he leads him over to the couch, “Sit.”

Chay does what he's told and runs his hands over his knees as Ye Joon sits down next to him, “You said you wanted to talk to me about an opportunity?”

Ye Joon nods and reaches over to grab a binder, “I heard Kim doesn't have much interest in acting, but I was wondering what your stance on it was.”

“Oh,” Chay says, then tries to think out what he wants to say before actually saying it. He can sing songs in English easily, but speaking in it is a little harder. It isn't as natural for him as it seems to be for Kim.

Maybe he can ask for English lessons next. Kim keeps telling him his English is completely understandable and fine, but the fact that he has to script out longer responses in his head probably means he needs to work on it more.

“I don't know. I haven't given it much thought. I always did school musicals growing up and got prominent roles in them. I did acting workshops at performing arts camps my brother saved up for and sent me to. I got good feedback. My main interest has always been music though.”

“So you would be open to an acting opportunity if it caught your interest and could further advance your music career?” Ye Joon asks, then hands over the binder, “Because I have a partnership with a production and artist management company here. We are developing a few projects to include international up and comers. While I did throw Kim’s name around for another project, Noel made it clear Kim had no current interest in such a venture. But you are your own person, and I see you as someone who is…more suitable for this particular project. It would be a Thai and Korean based project-”

“I only know a little Korean,” Chay cuts in.

Ye Joon shrugs his shoulders, “You don't need to know much. The character I would have in mind for you is Thai and primarily speaks it. His love interest is a tourist from Korea, so he would need to brush up on his Thai and English, but your language skills are where they would need to be for this role.”

“He,” Chay says, “So it's a BL?”

“They are very popular in this country,” Ye Joon says, “Korea is just starting to realize the potential in funding and marketing shows focused on same sex pairings, but they aren't as…daring with it. The shows here seem to be unafraid to cross that boundary. The actors go all out and aren't afraid of the more provocative scenes. Many of the actors have also entered the music industry, either while acting or they transition to the music industry after developing a fanbase. This show would feature a well-known actor from Korea. He's a bit older than you - mid 30s - but that's what the script calls for. I don't want to throw his name out there yet, but I guarantee you have likely seen his work. He's wanting to do something more…unexpected. Dark. He's normally cast as a leading man, but wants to make some waves. Sometimes, that includes some onscreen controversy. Seeing him cast with a younger man as his love interest would get a lot of people talking in Korea. But it's a great script, and he will need a costar around your age with great musical abilities. If you play the part just right, he won't be the only one everyone is talking about.”

“...Oh,” Chay says, then clears his throat, “Uh…I can take it back with me and read it, if you want. Maybe see how I feel-” 

“A read-through would be more immersive, with you reading as the character I have in mind for you,” Ye Joon interjects, his voice gentle but commanding, “We don't have to read the whole thing, of course. I respect that you are still loyal to your other workplace for the time being, even if I don't fully understand it. But I do understand it is important to be punctual. I think we have time for half though. So why don't we get started?"

[msmargaretmurry]

did you go to alzners? how was it?

i did and it was so fun and lovely! everyone involved was clearly having such a good time hanging out playing this silly little softball game. the weather was perfect and the event was sold out but the field it was held at was small enough that it still felt super intimate, and the crowd was just full of people with so much pure dc sports love. it was so, so nice to see so many players who played here and then decided to make dc their permanent home, or who loved their time in the city enough to want to come back just for this charity event.

here are the lineups for the softball teams if anyone is interested!

tom was a last minute addition, i assume because he couldn't commit to the event until his wife gave birth to their child 😂

the game was so entertaining and charming. everyone was taking it just the right amount of serious while clearly having a great time and chirping and joking with each other! some highlights include:

joe b and locker, the caps' broadcast team, did the pxp and color commentary for the event, and alexa from monumental sports mc'ed from the field. caleb green and bob mcdonald, who do the anthem at caps games, also did the anthem for this! i was so tickled to see so much of the extended caps family turn out!!

when alexa grabbed zim after his home run derby turn to ask him what advice he had for his team before the game started he was like "no more than two high noons before the first inning 😐"

whenever tj came up to bat they used country roads as his walkup music and every time the crowd sang along super loud. also in true tj fashion he did eat it while running the bases at one point

when dsp was introduced there was a big D-S-P chant and also chants for each of his at-bats ❤

when noted usnwt player scamurra came up for her first at-bat someone in the crowd yelled, BE CAREFUL WE NEED YOU NEXT YEAR 😭

annie mae and natalie are two of our local news reporters (and annie mae is an in-game host for the caps!); they are very petite and were clearly at a huge disadvantage compared to all the huge pro athletes they were surrounded by but were SUCH good sports about it, and also the umpire kept calling them safe at first even when they were clearly out 😂 everyone decided this was just part of the game until things came down to the wire in the tied last inning and when the ump did this again tom ran all the way in from left field to jokingly argue with him about it 😭

so many beautiful bare calves. the event was very wholesome but something about hockey men with their bare calves and ankles out awakens a nineteenth century pervert in me like nothing else

looking at braden holtby's beautiful face 😌

seeing backy and greenie hanging out in the year of our lord 2024 😭 seeing carlzner hanging out in the year of our lord 2024 😭 friendship is magic 😭😭😭😭

i finally got my dsp jersey signed!!! he was so nice about it!

taylor showed up with her and tom's new teeny tiny baby!!!!!!!!!

but don't worry. having a new baby didn't stop tom and tj from being weird and horny about each other constantly either

anyway i had such a good time and honestly emerged feeling so refreshed and invigorated about why i love hockey so much. it's something i really love about my hometown team, what a great community we have, how many guys come here via draft or trade and then never want to leave. guys who didn't even end their careers in dc moving back to the area once they retire to be part of the community and give back to the community. i am still in my feelings about it!!!

[scaramutual]

we don't know each other at all and I followed you by accident during the first boop event but I want you to know that despite this, seeing you post makes me happy. We share absolutely no interests and we will most likely never actually interact with each other and yet still you have brought happiness into my life and I want you to know this.

I honestly don't think there's a way I could respond to this that fully encapsulates all of my gratitude but first off I am so honored and also bewildered

something that motivated me to move from @scaramutuals in the first place was that there were probably a LOT of people who accidentally followed and then dropped off as soon as I posted. It felt like I was constantly being annoying and the public was pelting me with rocks lol SO its really really nice to hear that someone actually gaf. you know ? so THANK YOU IT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT YOU GOT A MODICUM OF JOY FROM MY STUPID BOOB MEME

this is I think the nicest ask I have ever received which is why I took monumentally long time to answer it I apologize I WAS TAKING IT IN. I am so thankful to have impacted you in any way and I hope the happiness in your life continues to grow exponentially. I want you to know that I will carry this with me forever and you have brought me great cheer. mirth even. delight.

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings from Austin

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Word Count: 1824

Warnings: a/b/o, J2 are married/mated, homophobia, bisexuality, biphobia, angst, cursing, jealousy, depression/anxiety, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility, IVF, surrogacy

*additional warnings to be added in future parts.

A/N: Here we go again with one my weird as hell dreams, series Inspired by this art.

A/N II: There is no intentional hate or malevolence intended towards any of the Ackles or Padalecki families. This is a purely fictional piece containing real and created persons/names/events set in the fictional A/B/O verse. Some dates/events altered to fit story.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

*divider by @writeyourmindaway​​​​​​

*images found online

Part I

Jared was about to speak when a woman in scrubs called out, “Mr. Bonham and Mr. Page.” they got up and crossed over to her, “Hello, I’m Sissy, Dr. Rodgers nurse, please follow me.”

They pass through the doorway leading through a maze of halls like any other medical clinic, except this one specializes in a particular service.

The nurse opens a door near the back of the clinic, gesturing for them to enter the spacious office, “Please have a seat. The doctor will be with you shortly.” She closed the door, and they sat directly in the pair of chairs before the large, dark mahogany desk.

Jensen, scenting Jared’s nervousness, lifts his right hand, kissing his palm, making him chuckle at the tickle of Jen’s soft beard before twining their fingers together and setting them on his left thigh. He smiles as the door opens, and a silver-haired Beta enters.

 “Hello, I’m Dr. Rodgers. How are we doing today?” He asks, moving to the chair behind the desk.

Jared gave him a tight smile, and Jensen remained placid.

The doctor raises an eyebrow, “Relax, Mr. Page. This visit is to review your paperwork before deciding how we proceed, not the Spanish Inquisition.” Jared released his held breath but couldn’t wholly calm himself.

“I know the process can be overwhelming, but I must ask, is there something we’ve done to make you uncomfortable?” Dr. Rodgers inquires.

“No, everyone’s been nice, very professional; we’ve had issues the first time attempting this.” Jared finished his sentence, but something terrible will happen in the recess of his mind, and it’ll be my fault. Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, instinctively sensing Jared’s mind is trying to spiral. “When we tried this before someone leaked our plans to the media, it wasn't conclusively proven the clinic wasn’t involved.”

We do everything possible to keep our client's anonymity protected here. All of the staff are vetted and sign an NDA. Your real identities will remain confidential, even if you choose not to proceed. It is why you chose this clinic, yes?”

“Yes, it is,” Jensen replied.

“How about we get this bit of paperwork out of the way? Then we can have a more relaxed visit,” he says, shuffling more papers.

“I’ve reviewed the applications you’ve submitted and noted a few discrepancies in the medical section that need clarification. Mr. Bonham, why did you omit Genu Varum from your medical record?”

Jensen kept his expression neutral and felt his stomach automatically clench. He remembered being mercilessly teased throughout childhood about his bowed legs by his older brother Josh and later his buddies when they’d come over to hang out.

By the time he was in high school Jensen’s striking looks and personality got people’s attention first, and nowadays, fantasies are composed in fanfic about his bowed legs.

“The questionnaire inquired about inherited genetic medical conditions; since mine isn’t, I didn’t think it was necessarily applicable.” Jared hears an edge creeping into Jensen’s voice and squeezes his fingers.

“Did you see an orthopedist, and could they determine what caused the condition?”

“I was born a preemie. The orthopedists my parents consulted decided my condition was attributable to that,” Jensen replies tersely, dropping his vocal range. Jared gripped his hand harder, telling him to cool his attitude.

 “Did they suggest surgical procedures or therapies to straighten your legs?”

“No, the doctor didn’t recommend surgery but sent me to physical therapy, thinking it would help them straighten as I grew.”

“So, no others in your immediate family have this issue?”

“Everyone in my family has straight legs, including my three children.”

Jared piped in, “he hates it, but he does this exercise regimen; stretching, strength training. He also takes several vitamins, omega oils, turmeric, and extra vitamin D to support his joints.” They watched the doctor scribble a few more notes.

“Mr. Page,” Jared sat up straighter, “I appreciate that you detailed your mental health status. You’ve recently been hospitalized and have changed your routine to an alternative regimen, increasing your therapy sessions. Has this helped?”

The interview continued for another twenty minutes as Dr. Rodgers questioned him and Jensen in depth about his depression and anxiety; feeling it was ratcheting up, he focused on Jensen’s thumb rhythmically moving over his and used every ounce of his acting skills to appear confident and in control.

Dr. Rodgers closed the files, “I only have a few general questions left, then we can discuss how you wish to proceed.”

After a more relaxed, genial conversation with the doctor, Sissy took them to a couple of private rooms with paraphernalia to help stimulate them into producing a couple of semen samples.

Jensen was getting close to finishing with his favorite spank-bank fantasy when he felt Jared across their bond.

~~~

Jared couldn’t get aroused.

He felt as useless as his flaccid cock.

His doctor warned him that losing his sex drive could be a possible side effect of his new regimen until his body adjusted to it. He had struggled with temporary impotence a few times on his old meds; always fearful Jensen would finally see him as undesirable, no longer a satisfactory mate.

Rationally, he knew it was his illness causing these exceptionally hard-to-deal thoughts recently, and the nagging idea this wasn’t the right thing for them continually kept creeping in. Plus, Jensen’s reluctance about having more children at his age also weighed on his conscience, warring against his biological longings.

They had a humongous argument when he told his husband about the appointment. 

Jensen said this was the wrong time to attempt it again, pointing out he was getting his equilibrium back set Jared off on a rant about how he no longer wanted him and would leave like Genevieve had because he was too broken to deal with anymore.

Unmitigated anguish crossed Jensen’s beautiful features. The notion that his mate could believe that he’d ever abandon him hurt so that no verbal language could ever express how that devastated him after everything they’d been through.

That bar fight to Jared’s first breakdown on set, the years of living as roommates while secretly a couple to finding wives who understood their unique relationship and still married them both in 2010.

Unfortunately, the joyous arrival of JJ three years later exacerbated Genevieve’s frustration of not being able to conceive, and it came out with a vengeance on Jared.

His unexpected breakdown in Switzerland was the final nail in their marriage. Gen was there for him, but it was all too much in the end, and she filed for divorce.

Shortly after, Jared’s iCloud account got hacked.

They believed but never conclusively proved Genevive was behind it since her lawyer was trying to break their prenuptial agreement; the videos documenting his intimate and explicit sexual relationship with Jensen were legally considered adulterous. In the end, the court upheld the legal document, but the ramifications that resulted after.

They were summoned to L.A. for the meeting from hell with WB executives, convinced it was the end of Supernatural and their careers. After the reaming out, they each received a week's pay suspension to cover some of what will cost PR time and money to deal with the inevitable repercussions and appease the show’s sponsors.

How would the show’s fans react? Would they still be able to accept them as brothers only on TV while in real life, they were involved in a highly stigmatized relationship? When they returned to work, there was an atmosphere of tension that hadn’t existed before.

It was an open secret that all shows had their share of bitchiness and backstabbing behind the scenes. Jensen may have thicker skin, keeping tighter control of his emotions, but Jared knew it hurt him just as deeply the loss of some of their friends because of society's prejudicial belief that two Alpha males shouldn’t be involved.

Alan and Donna showed up unexpectedly in Vancouver a few weeks later.

What started as a not-quite-comfortable visit quickly deteriorated thanks to his parents' religious conservatism. They had not raised him like this and blamed Jared, saying he had corrupted their son, leading him into a sinful lifestyle, and told Jensen he needed to repent and return to the wife he’d committed to before god.

Jensen blew up, replying it was none of their business, it was between them, and Danneel knew about them before marrying; he reiterated they better not say anything to her. Without another word, his parents left, and he later called them to make amends. His mother coolly stated that he was no longer part of their family and never to contact them again.

After the twins were born in 2016 came the finalization of Jensen’s divorce from Danneel, painful but congenial. They readily agreed on joint custody and still spent most holidays together. Jensen gave her financial security in their settlement, wanting to make sure she didn’t have to worry about working unless she wanted to.

They received support when publicly coming out as bisexual, then lost some of it when they married, and, to this day, get mocked for not coming out as gay, and Jared continually has nagging thoughts that they have let everybody down.

***

There was another knock at the door, and Jared ignored it, knowing it was that nurse checking on his lack of progress again turned into pounding, “Jared, open this door now, dammit!”

He flinched, realizing Jensen knew what was going on with him. 

Releasing the privacy latch, opens the door a crack and saw concerned green eyes. “Sorry, I thought you were that nurse,” he stepped away and sat back down as Jensen came in, re-latching it behind him. “She came to get me when you stopped answering,” Jensen said, walking over and running his thick fingers through his husband’s long hair, “what’s going on, babe?”

He knows that Jensen already knew, “It’s okay, Jar, take as long as you need.” He paused at the unpleasant scent wafting around him. “If you’d be more comfortable, we could do this at home.” 

Jared shakes his head, “There’s the risk of damage, contamination, and or unable to get it back in time that could make the semen unusable.” Jared quotes from a website.

Jensen softly chuckled, “Nerd,” and Jared noticed the bulge in his jeans, “You didn’t….”

“Drain the snake..choke the chicken..spank the monkey.”

“Fuck! Stop using old man slang.” He shook his head, smiling up at Jensen, intentionally goading him.

Jared reached up for the hand playing in his hair, grasping it to draw Jensen next to him.

“Jack, I don’t want to wait any longer on doing this. I love JJ and the twins, you know I do, but they’ll always be yours and Danneels. I know the timing could be better. I’m almost thirty-eight, and I want our pups running around the house, driving us crazy.”

“For the next eighteen years?”

“Minimum.”

tbc

Part II

SPN TAGS: @donnaintx  @lyarr24  @flamencodiva  @b3autyfuldisast3r  @lassie-bird @nancymcl  @spnbaby-67  @leigh70

Sam/Jared:  @idreamofplaid Dean/Jensen:  @thoughts-and-funnies  @stoneyggirl2  @akshi8278  @beabutterfly987 @smoothdogsgirl  @siospins2

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

[aqua-dan]

are you liking Taylor's titans run? i have mixed (mostly negative icl) feelings.

My feelings are also pretty mixed, but mostly negative. I WANT to enjoy it, so it becomes even more upsetting when I just... don't.

I feel like the pacing is really off, and Tom Taylor is notorious for very lazy writing; both off-paneling explanations and resolutions, and being generally terrible at making characters interact in meaningful ways. I don't even know why some of the characters are there, considering they haven't been allowed to do literally anything for the entire series so far (Cyborg, I am so SO sorry. You deserve better). And the ladies have really only been used sporadically for cheap "girl power" moments (with the exception of Raven).

One of the upcoming solicits reads, "Hell comes for Bludhaven! With the team on the ropes and Waller to blame, Nightwing and his allies must look within for the answers to their never-ending problems.-"

I know this is a Bludhaven related plotline, but the description really exemplifies a lot of my issues with the series. It's treated as secondary; a launching pad for events or setups for different books (aka the wrap-up of Tom's Nightwing series.)

So many issues are just set-up issues. The story and the messages that Taylor is trying to get across don't mix particularly well, and often feel far too on-the-nose. There are no satisfying conclusions to arcs. There are no consequences when the stakes are presented as high. Moments that should feel monumental fall flat. No one in the story feels real. For dialogue, you could swap just about any character into each spot and nothing would change because no one has different reactions to anything. It's.... overarchingly NOT a good series.

But at least there are a few bits here and there that are vaguely fun. And I like some of the ideas presented, which makes me wish that a more talented writer happened to be the one tackling them. Now that Meyer is the ongoing artist, the art is very nice as well-- so that's a plus! I'm still interested in the series and where things will end up going, so I'll continue to tune in each month and find my satisfaction by going and reading actually good comics in the meantime lol

[misscammiedawn]

Miss Cammie Dawn's 2023 Round-Up

Permit me the self-indulgence to do a lil' wrap-up. Perhaps a little bit longer than a "lil'", we shall see. I don't expect any eyes on this. I write purely for the purposes of rereading later. Remember, I treat Tumblr like Livejournal.

I wish to focus upon the concepts of "what did you do/watch/read etc" and wrap it up for the year.

Personal Life

With the pandemic still limiting my options for socializing and having ended my close friendships and finally gone No Contact with my family of origin in the past few years, there's not been a lot of momentum in my life of late and I'm kind of okay with it.

Still. Some major events are to be expected. Here are mine for 2023:

Bottom surgery - Of everything in my year this was always going to be the first thing we needed to talk about. The process for getting here was such a long road and it almost doesn't feel real now that it's all done.

April 10th 2023 I went under the knife and began a healing journey that took much of the next 6 months of my life.

Going off of hormones for the time surrounding it was a complete emotional roller-coaster and I was *unstable* by the end of it. Oikos were kind enough to be supportive to me the whole time, thankfully. Daja traveled out to be there with me during the procedure. I have a detailed personal journal that conveys the whole experience but wow... that was a journey.

Those who know me may be aware of Precious, Cammie's Squishmallow. She goes wherever we go and she serves as an important tool for us. When we were in the hospital Daja asked our partners permission and with consent applied a hypnotic compulsion that made it so squeezing Precious and thinking of a partner would summon them in our mind and forge a connection. We refer to her now as the "Magical Scrying Kitty" and the trigger was essential for those first few days of recovery. Particularly the lonely void between visiting hours.

It all just sort of blurs now. I almost cannot remember being in bed for months after getting home nor the amount of energy that even the smallest tasks took. I have a vague memory of trying to get photographs in our yoga outfit before Beguiled and the effort of maneuvering around the bed was monumental.

We ended up returning to events in June/July, though we were still fairly restricted by the body's healing schedule.

I'm happier this side of the surgery. It has done wonders for my mental health and day to day comfort in our skin. Worth every sacrifice we made a hundred times over.

I don't think I have words for it yet but I feel there is a difference. There had been a level of anxiety and fear about the procedure before it but that has all melted away. I cannot even recall what those nebulous fears even were.

Anyway! Sleepyhead was nice enough to make my dream come true:

I have wanted that photo for years. I spoke of the dream often. I also made the Dickless for Chiklis tweet as promised years ago, though I doubt the intended audience saw it.

Life changes a bunch between starting the waiting list and getting the surgery, doesn't it?

DID Diagnosis - This has been a huge adjustment for us because of all the work that goes into trauma & dissociation therapy. We have joined support groups, we are putting in work to structure our journaling, we have built an innerworld conference space with isolated safe spaces (I was surprised to learn that this media trope is not only a real thing but it's a therapy technique that is taught. People are not born with these things and they are not a symptom of the disorder) and finally we are learning where the emotions originate, who has attachment to individual memories and experiences and then we are learning process things correctly. It is a process.

I am only slightly bitter that I had no context for the whole compartmentalized emotions thing. We wrote a frustrated Tumblr post about it recently.

The initial diagnosis came after a few months of testing. Many of our preconceptions were found to be based on a mixture of denial and ignorance exasperated by too much misinformation from fiction. Our therapist and Daja have both been on our case this entire year to stop obfuscating and hiding behind these excuses and barriers. It helps.

When we began the year our little system of 4 (technically 5) were completely at odds with one another. We had a number of distorted and self-loathing beliefs. Cammie was too childish and made us unreliable and immature and too stereotypically girlygirl trans. Camden was too strict and controlling and lived in constant hyper-vigilant survival mode, battling demons that had died decades ago. Dawn (presently typing) was a filthy NSFW embarrassment that was going to invite unwelcome elements to our life and post unforgivable content which must be deleted. Craig is a failing to our femininity that invalidates our struggles as a transwoman and Tilly-Mo doesn't even exist.

Now we're more comfortable working for a unified vision of self. Accepting that each of us is not the others and that we share a life. It's a process.

In May our therapist sent us to an online event held by a non-profit group who were tackling a bunch of topics ranging from "how to live with these conditions" "Professionals with CDD and their experiences with ISSTD" and a panel with transgender individuals with dissociative disorders. I was involved in that last one and I have to admit it was a turning point for me. For the first time in my life my experiences felt relatable and were being framed in a perspective of normal people living normal lives rather than the loud and proud version online. One of the things we continue to struggle with is how to integrate our condition into our life without fetishizing it. It's an invisible illness so all attempts to have our parts recognized feel like an attention grab. Even typing about it now. Somehow we have to navigate the gap between being open about it without highlight it. That's also a process.

Simply spoken we feel uncomfortable insisting on the one typing unless it's essential to being understood in how we communicate. We had an internal discussion about this post, wondering if we should let individual parts type different sections and highlight who was typing each one with a color or nametag. But that's not our style or comfort. It raises too much attention and sets off alarm bells. Half the reason we do our tagging system as we do on Tumblr is as a note to ourselves. Like a little filing system for when we go back searching later. A little switch counter. Helps us spot when someone has been away for too long.

Incidentally we decided we would write the post as time allowed and give everyone an opportunity to edit/add/delete from it before posting.

Electrolysis and Laser - My Electrolysist fired me. A shame. I really liked her. I... did not handle it well. There are only two times we have had a full blown meltdown during a session with our trauma and dissociation therapist and the week we got fired was one of them.

I did a few months of laser after leaving electrolysis but they have not yet invented a new form of laser that works for redheads so I just gave up. I'm done with my hair removal. I know there's a level of pettiness in that decision but being tortured for an hour a week wasn't good for my mental health and I barely go outside anyway. I'll just shave.

Trans activism in former career - I keep in touch with some of the people from my former career. I'll not name names or circumstances, but helping one of my former coworkers in their transition and joining an effort to petition the leadership (leveraging my weight as an out and proud transgender woman while I worked there) to rally against a company decision that actively promoted transphobia was a real highlight of my year. We won. I can type the name into Google and see articles about our victory. I may have been a single drop in the ocean when it comes to it but I know the people who made that decision. My emails shamed them for daring to do something like that on the ecosystem I helped create. It made me feel like I'd done something with my life. Made a difference to vulnerable people and guided some other people through these confusing halls we all wander down. That gave me life.

Immigration - I am applying for citizenship as it's easier than trying to get TERF Island to recognize my identity and I would rather all my documents have the same name and gender marker on them.

Events

Charmed 2023 - I wrote detailed con reports of last January's event. Suffice to say it was my first time taking the stage and teaching a class. A prominent member of the community posted on Twitter that they had gained a crush on me from watching me teach which is about the kindest thing anyone can say. Certainly boosted my self-estimation a little.

The vampire ball on the final day changed our brain chemistry forever. It has become the gold standard for our submissive scenes.

Charmed is the best. I am excited for the 2024 event.

Cybertronic Spree & The Protomen - I love going on roadtrips with my boyfriend, Copper. He loves driving and I love just sharing space and being comfortable with him. We shared music during the long drive to Chicago and I got to enjoy my "Other City". Part of us shall always view Chicago as our American home. We're a city girl at heart and seeing the night skyline of our former home was such a balm for the soul, particularly as it was our first time back there since we were married. My last trip there was an anniversary date to see Hamilton.

COVID risk was heavy on our mind but we had a fairly nice hotel a little out of the city and got to go to a pleasant venue. A couple of people I recognize from the hypnocon circuit were in the audience but we didn't think to approach them. A shame.

Sleepyhead and Puppet were the ones who bought the tickets but unfortunately health problems prevented them traveling. They were VIP tickets. We got merch signed for them both as a thank you and I got to meet Cybertronic spree.

Not to invoke the ghost of our marriage too often but our ex-wife and I saw The Protomen in 2010 during their Chicago stop of that year and I spoke with some of the band about it. A lifetime ago.

It was nice to step into a world we had long since exited with our current partner. The venue was a live rock place that had Rush posters on the wall and that black brick aesthetic that brought me back to when we saw gigs like Thunder in London.

I truly miss live events like this and though there was a COVID risk and though our throat was raw from 4-6 hours of no fluids, it was worth it. A highlight of my year for certain.

Cybertronic Spree played the theme of One Punch Man and a bunch of music from Transformers The Movie (1986) and generally kicked ass. Gambler and Arcee did a duet in both halves of the concert.

Dare to Be Stupid was ridiculous and I loved every second of it.

Beguiled 2023 - I only posted my outfits for public. But I was very detailed in my private journal. It was a difficult con for us as we were still weak from surgery and had limited mobility. We tapped out of our usual hypnoyoga class (perfect attendance ruined forever). Got to eat some incredible Japanese curry from a place that held great significance from me in a past life and danced with Daja to the music of the night...

Beguiled could have been a perfect event if my health were better.

I suppose I shall await 2025's event for the promised encore.

Daja Vacation - A very important trip. In October we headed over to Daja's state for a quick little visit. Sleepyhead accompanied us. There was curry, pan pizza (better than Giordano's. Daja is a chemist by day and kitchen sorceress by night), British meat pies, so many British chocolates, fountain trances, magic shows and time for all of us.

How can it be after 18 months that I still worry I have NRE with Daja? I truly do not know. But she shared her city with me. Created some new vital memories that shall be eternally treasured and gave the tightly wound little stress ball in my head a pretty view to admire inside of her little imagined safe space.

I am so damned smitten.

Books

My goal was to read every single Tamora Pierce book within a year of starting my relationship with Daja (named for the Emelan character, yes) and I found reading to be quite the comfort while I was laid up.

The Provost's Dog (Beka Cooper) Trilogy - The final Tortall books and the longest. They gave us many memories of our city and the caste system at play there. Beka is a wonderful protagonist and I fell in love with Farmer. Farmer is my favorite. I love him.

The police procedural in a high fantasy world was not entirely my cup of tea and I prefer it in the Rivers of London urban fantasy mold but seeing Pounce/Faithful as a far more actiive (and prissy) part of the story was a joy. Not my favorite of Tammy's series' by a long shot (For Tortall it would be Daine and Kel's quartets and for Emelan it would be any book which features Briar or Tris as a protagonist) but my preferences do not speak to quality. Tammy has evolved as a writer over the decades of her work and it breaks my heart that she is not as ubiquitous as Sir Terry.

I broke down into a weeping mess at the end because Beka's actions and her compassion granted her a single wish no one in universe or reading could have ever thought would have been granted. The sheer surprise and joy in that act of kindness was enough to break the dams of my heart.

Possibly the best ending of all Tammy's books.

The Circle of Magic Quartet - I am going to come out and say it right away. I prefer Emelan to Tortall. I do look at it as a "two cakes!" scenario and the two series are not in contest with one another (albeit Numair Chronicles is preventing the epilogue to the Reforged quartet from being written). But I enjoy the 4 displaced children and their mentors. I feel there is something solid about exploring Found Family tropes in kids who have known hardships beyond their years.

Daja (my partner, not the character in the book) had wondered which of the 4 I would gravitate towards more. Obviously I would be fond of Daja Kisubo for the name alone but would it be Briar the street kid who was caught between the world of his poverty street origins and his unexpected elevation in the caste system or perhaps Tris, the unwanted child who heard her caregivers tell her outright that she was an unwanted burden.

"Two cakes!"

The vignettes that brought the 4 together was a tough read and I didn't really feel the conflict of the books until the finale of Tris' book which kicked the series into high gear and from then on I ate Emelan up hungrily.

We were on track for 2.5 books read per month going into Emelan and actively had to slow ourselves down. I am pretty sure the only limitation we experienced was waiting lists on our library app.

Of the first quartet Briar's Book was an absolute favorite. Rosethorn's boy is wonderful and I love him. Also I wish to point out that the audio books were put out by Full Cast Audio who had actors for every role. Mo Harrington as Rosethorn was perfection. She also voiced Cloud in Daine's books but her Rosethorn is a career defining role. I wish only good things for Harrington. My favorite character of my favorite Tammy series will always be shaped in your vision of her.

The finale of the book, however, did stir some horrible memories and emotions in me. I suppose serendipity being a thing, though, in reacting to the book in real time to Daja as we read she noticed the shift and discovered a verbal quirk unique to a part of me who seldom gets to exist.

In a way much of our healing and accepting Craig came from Rosethorn's trip to the "garden" and our reaction to it as well as Daja's incredible ability to notice how unique it is for us to type "ain't" in a sentence.

I'm so glad I read these books.

The Circle Opens Quartet - At the time of reading these we had our surgery appointment and it became a mission to "catch up" before Daja came to visit to see us through surgery. We were listening to audiobooks from the library and books 3 and 4 (Cold Fire and Shatterglass) have never been adapted to audiobook due to Full Cast Audio's unfortunate financial troubles).

We had planned to borrow Daja's copies when she came over for the surgery.

But... we ended up catching up early enough that Daja in what may be one of the most romantic gestures of a year filled with romantic gestures, recorded herself reading the whole of Cold Fire and sending it to us so we may be caught up to borrow Shatterglass at the time of surgery.

Is it any wonder I'm so smitten?

Of the 4 stories I found Cold Fire and Shatterglass to be the most enjoyable. It was good seeing the siblings growing up in their own way and how their immaturity was evened out by their apprentices. Daja Kisubo's story was the one that got to me the most because the psychology of the serial killer and Kisubo's absolute betrayal towards the end. Watching how she dealt with Ben was heartbreaking.

Also the way insanity as a topic was handled was a little tactless and one quote made my blood boil a little but it was towards the character who spoke the words, not the author who penned them. The character Zhegorz returned in the next quartet and was an absolute highlight for me. I like the idea of scrying mages opening themselves up to mental disorders and for an allegory for schizophrenia I felt it was fairly tasteful in the next book. In this one the topic was not handled beautifully, but we are seeing the world through prejudice eyes and if there is one thing Daja Kisubo stories are good for it is showing prejudice viewpoints and their consequences.

Tris can't always be there to break social etiquette for you.

The Circle Reforged Quartet (albeit book 4 is not yet written) - Tammy matured as a writer a hundred times over before these books. I loved Emelan because it's a story of childhood trauma and how it impacts growth and development, even if the wounded soul is given encouraging and healthy environments to thrive in.

Each character carries scars deeper than they can admit to themselves or one another. Will of the Empress is a fantastic story because it takes everything that has been building and applies it to young adults who matured years before they should have and explores the sheer scale of the damage that does to them when they are left to their own devices.

Goodness... why would I find myself attracted to such a concept? I wonder?

The intro segment is so good we wrote a specific Tumblr post about it. Tris' bitterness that her raw talent cannot be monetized (without murder), Briar's PTSD, Sandry's muted bitterness at being abandoned by her siblings and Daja's hyper-vigilant need to push everyone away because of the betrayal she felt not just with Ben but in being banished from the only stable home she had ever known.

Watching the 4 open their connection to one another again caused many tears as we read it. Tris' accepting Sandry in particular just got me right in the heart.

The final sequence with Briar's safe space I had joked was the most accurate depiction of DID I'd seen. The whole shutting off the connection and having a shared inner world were both topics we were addressing in therapy about the time we listened to those chapters.

Battle Magic was a rough journey for seeing how much the Briar/Evie/Rosethorn trio suffered at the hands of the emperor. Rosethorn had become our quick favorite throughout the franchise and I just didn't want to see her hurt. Not after the end of Briar's Book.

Melting Stones was a cute little side story. Evie and Luvo are great. I don't have much to say about it as the book was written for the Full Cast Audio team and didn't develop anything we hadn't already seen from Will of the Empress which is chronologically the last of the quartet despite being the first in release order.

House of Leaves - Thanks to the MyHouse.WAD stuff happening early this year I was reminded of the book and with surgery recovery time I had time to dedicate to it. I kind of resent that there's no digital option but I appreciate that this book is a book.

Getting out of Mark Z. Danielewski's dumb dumb mind labyrinth of a mental virus is the hard part. If anything about our taste in fiction is true it's that we want to experience altered states and put ourselves in the head of another. So having an obsession simulator burrow deep into our head while we are bedridden and the days are blurred together was... not our best decision.

We have our de-realization symptoms locked down now and I think due to that stability we find ourselves compelled to seek out breaks in reality, especially now we no longer do character play hypnosis, tabletop RPG or allow once trusted individuals to gaslight us for fun.

Glitches and moments when things are wrong freak us out and have caused severe panic episodes for us (thank you Remedy for the credits to the bad ending of Control, that one damn near broke me and it was at a time in my life I didn't have anyone around to ground me or confirm what I was experiencing so we just went into free fall) and we shouldn't poke that bear.

But we do.

Willingly.

I've yet to bring that up with our therapist.

It's not just the ergodic literature that got under our skin though, with this one it was also that it depicts a parent in a mental care facility as a major plot point.

We have a history with that kind of thing and... yeah.

Plus the way Truant described his panic attack at seeing purple ink and remembering his mother's fingernails at his throat...

Reading this book may not have been our best decision... but we have a tag dedicated to it and are deeply in love with it. We knew what we were getting into (well... perhaps not the Pelafina stuff. We were not prepared for that) and there are no regrets!

Between the Whalestone Letters and Rosethorn's trip to the garden we need to check DoesTheDogDie.com more often =/

Regardless! We really dug the book.

Camden especially!

Much discussion online is on what parts of the book "really happened", what was in Navidson's record, what was in Zampano's analysis and what did Johnny edit in and how much did The Editors edit Johnny's narrative and how much is altered by our reading of it.

And like-- how much of the perspective based stuff is impacted by how your read it. For instance! When The Editors note that Johnny's ramblings have context in the appendix, I went and read all the Whalestone Letters then and there which made the panic attacks and Minotaur stuff make way more sense from the get go-- most may read the book first and the appendixes later.

It's a book that takes a unique shape based on how you navigate it. Sorta like a video game.

My experiences made me relate to and extrapolate emotional weight and context from Johnny's narrative after all. Regardless of Johnny's final message I cannot remove how I related to the things he shared... and that's the trick.

None of it happened. It's all a book. Whatever Danielewski intended is unimportant. You can listen to the companion album, you can look up interviews, you can see the citations and source material that inspired the story...

At the end of the day the more you put in, the more it will pull you deeper. There's no definitive way to read the book. It's a spiral staircase down into infinity and insanity.

The only winning move is not to play... or to quote the text:

"Maturity, one discovers, has everything to do with the acceptance of not knowing."

Tricksters Duology - Saved for last as Daja isn't a huge fan of the espionage from these books and she had recommended I skip them until I ran out of books to read. I'm glad it was saved as a little cherry on top to my adventures in Emelan and Tortall as meeting with Kyprioth the trickster god was a treat and the book goes out of its way to provide epilogues to all of the existing Tortall books. Seeing Daine and Numair's family grow, seeing Kel vs Alanna and seeing George Cooper be Best Boy was all such a lovely thing to behold.

I also read the Spy's Guide during this time and enjoyed it greatly. Daja handed me her hardcover the week of our surgery and we opened it to Daine's portrait, which just tickles me.

I am deeply fond of trickster gods...

Dissociation Made Simple - We had actually won a copy of this at the chronic dissociation event my therapist sent me to in May. I got to talk with the author and we follow one another on the other social media. They're a lovely person and they work hard to support the community of people who live with these conditions. The book is a navigation of living with a chronic dissociative disorder from a personal perspective and acts as both a guide to living with these experiences and supporting a loved one who happens to live with one.

It offers a wealth of perspectives and seeks to humanize matters in a way that does not rely too heavily upon pathology.

My sole complaint about it is that the author's personal philosophies bleed in. They are jaded with Western mental healthcare and favor an Eastern approach and they apologize profusely for including the perspectives of someone who sought Final Fusion (they say that they include the interview "as a means of painting a complete picture") and it truly felt more akin to an apology for discussing one of the gold standards of treatment goals than anything else. That was projecting on the audience a little in my opinion.

At present I do not seek final fusion as a goal. Healthy Multiplicity is just fine in my world... but I have seen posts and messages from those who did go that path and the support networks closing off to them and even harassing them over their personal decision is not the way to go.

Either way Dr. Jamie+ is a wonderful person I am proud is doing the work to make the world better for individuals struggling with chronic dissociative disorders.

The Third Person - Another suggested piece of reading from our time at the dissociation event. This is a 900 page book written by a transgender woman with DID and reflects her journey through the medical system as she attempts to get her HRT approved by an abusive therapist. There's a sunk cost fallacy that keeps her continuously coming week after week to someone who is an active threat to her mental health. After all. She'd need another 6+ months with a new therapist to get approved for HRT or she could just win Toby over and get him to sign for her.

Much of the book is conversations between Emma (and Katina and Ed) and their therapist, Toby. Katina is an impulsive party animal and the system's protector. She reminds us intensely of Dawn and that made finishing the book (in a single sitting, no less) an emotionally harrowing experience for us.

There's a refrain in some areas of the support communities that fiction based on our condition is sensationalized because to live with this condition is actually remarkably boring. We're just traumatized people trying to live our lives. This book is very much a shining example of that and I say it in a loving way. Nothing that happens to Emma's system is sensational or exceptional. She's just a normal transgender woman who got entangled with an abusive therapist (a transgender man who should have been an ally) and though it is mired by her hazy and bias recollection of events (she admits that the moment Toby said "your grandfather was right to hit you" she should have left and never come back) it still just reads as a normal person going through some shit.

And that's where the book is at its best. This is normal stuff. These are the things that can and do happen. I read the /r/therapists reddit enough to know that there's a population of people that think that their job includes dispelling "delusional thinking" and some definitions of that are a little uncomfortable. Not every professional believes in DID or transgender identities after all >.>;

This one was just a tough read and though my stated discomfort is that the alter that reminds me so much of Dawn had to hear Emma say the one sentence she could NEVER say to her.

Breaks our hearts =/

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles - Presently Daja is reading us these books on a weekly basis during our dates. We have gotten through the first two and are enamored with the primary cast. Telemain is my favorite.

They are just delightful stories full of tropes and fun. I would have loved them very much when I was young. Cammie presently loves them intensely.

Mr. Robot eps1.91_redwheelbarr0w.txt - Set during the time between Season 1 and Season 2 Episode 8, this is a journal. A literal journal made to look like it was written in pencil by series protagonist Elliot Alderson.

In the show the audience is his imaginary friend who he speaks to. When he is on the screen we see the world through his eyes and his delusions. Only during two flashbacks do we ever see him outside of his perspective, which saves Rami Malek having to play his alters and allows the show to be subjective with what is real and what isn't, plus we also get to see scenes Elliot isn't there for (typically perspective can be seen if someone refers to the villainous avatar of capitalism as "E Corp" their actual name rather than "Evil Corp" which Elliott always hears/reads it as) and when a twist happens at the end of season 1 he knows that we knew and we didn't tell him. We can't communicate with him after all.

To denote the time skip, hide a season 2 twist and to better blur the lines of what is real and what isn't, Elliot stops speaking to us after season 1 and reconciles with us during season 2. The journal covers the time when he was "not speaking with us" because we didn't tell him about Mr. Robot. At times he even writes to us as if we will someday read the book and then corrects himself to say that we will never read it. That kind of makes reading this feel a little invasive. Even the "editor" (a transgender woman in the show who was incarcerated in a male facility. I like Hot Carla) notes at times how fucked up it is that any of us are reading his private journal which he reminds often isn't for anyone elses' eyes.

Within the book are a number of little trinkets which serve to play an ARG that reveal the season 2 plot twist (Mr. Robot has been communicating with the Dark Army to continue his revolution while Elliot is in prison) and to the book's credit there is such an adherence to verisimilitude that the nearest we get to confirmation that there even IS an ARG is some comments penned in by the in-universe character who "published" the journal.

What I liked about it was not just the realism of the journal, which goes to lengths to utilize spaces in between entries as significant (we even get an entry written on the back of a pack of cigarettes when Elliot hands off the journal for another inmate to read it in her cell)

it didn't add a lot to the plot of the show but it was a fantastic dive into the character headspace of Elliot. Particularly during the period of time he was not talking to "us".

Music

Music is so disposable in scope that I'll be skipping much of the new stuff on our radar and focus on things we intentionally listened to.

The Protomen - Copper's favorite band. Puppet and Sleepyhead were nice enough to give him tickets to their show with the Cybertronic Spree (as noted above). We gave them a fair few spins to get ready for the concert. They are a lovely and self-indulgent band and their Queen tribute album is superb. I really dug the whole revolution subplot in the second act with Sniper Joe. Act 1's "after the apocalypse" campfire aesthetic wasn't my touch but the cyberpunk revolution stuff was cool as crap!

The Gambler is bloody amazing and any of her songs are just bangers by definition <3

The Caretaker (Everything At The End of Time) - We're late to the party on this one but god what an incredible experience. We went down a rabbit hole of tributes. For what it's worth Nowehere At The Millenium of Space is so far above the pack that if I ever wanted to listen to a 6 hour dementia simulator again then it'd be my pick. A3 is the track I'd listen to if you wanted to see if it would vibe with you or not.

(Though I wanna see more takes on the concept that try different perspectives-- there's a few that try for different conditions that have a lot of promise)

For the uninitiated, EATEOT is a 6 album concept piece that attempts to place you in the mind of a dementia patient at the end of their life. The composer read that music lingered beyond memories and information and wanted to run ideas of degrading of physical media and nostalgia for a time many of us were not alive for. The first track based on Heartaches from 1947 for instance. It gives us the idea of an era without true familiarity to it. Which makes my love of Nowhere a little odd as it takes the concept and then applies familiarity with many of the songs hitting "I KNOW THIS" buttons and...

Look, I came to learn about EATEOT from MyHouse and there the warped version of Running From Evil used that familiarity to great effect. Much of the subtle horror of the Doom map comes from recognizing the geography of the locations as The House and having your familiarity with Doom mechanics messed with in subtle ways. I like the feeling of "I know this... but it's wrong" especially as a means to invoke discomfort. That makes Nowhere a better album for me but to many the nostalgia for a time they weren't alive for helps put you in the head of a distant dying relative and that is more effective for the concept.

The fact I can talk about such high concepts is a proof of how amazing this album is at what it does.

If you don't have 6 hours and want a quick version of it, a YouTuber named zaza took the concept and applied it to Lo-Fi Beats to Study and Relax To. Add in intangible familiarity to Lo-Fi Beats as an amorphous genre with no real hook to hold onto and glitch effects to turn this video into one that tickles a terror center of my brain unscratched since I first played DDLC.

The Narcissist Cookbook - Apple Music throws some curveballs at me every now and again and I viscerally recall The Simplest Words coming on randomly and I *loved* it.

This Is How We Get Better is just a good album. It's on the topic of healing from crippling mental illness and given everything we have been going through in trauma therapy this year it was the right album at the right time. Pretty much every song is solid in its own special way. The line in The Pattern about walking through the halls of a demolished high school hit close to home and there is something beautiful about Leave My Phone At Home.

Some of the best works are less songs and more folk guitar during impassioned speeches. Courtney is a catchy song with a lecture on why people get into conspiracy rabbit holes, The Absolute State of our Nation is a plea that violent resistance to centrist complacency is a duty of those who wish to prevent history being sanitized and Cognitive Dissonance Blues is about the crushing despair of trying to do good in a world where evil is so deeply systemic that we only serve to hurt ourselves and make no measurable difference.

Highly recommended listening. Here, have The Simplest Words as a sample:

Mint Green (Growth) - Another group Apple threw at me while trying to understand why I love Left At London. I am not a fan of all their music but the album Growth really grew on me (ha!). They are an indie band out of California and sound like an indie band out of California. It is the kind of comforting sound you can lay down on a dark evening and stare at the ceiling listening to. A favorite pastime during our surgical recovery. Pinky Swear is now one of my favorite songs. I just love blasting it while I drive. I really enjoy them.

The Streets (The Darker The Shadow The Brighter The Light) - Skinner's band has never been able to reclaim its heights from Original Pirate Material (2002) but with Craig being more active in our system this year and Skinner releasing his first studio album under The Streets title since 2001's Computers and Blues we needed to dive on this as soon as it was released.

Like here's the thing. Peeps don't realize we like this sort of shit because we go all in on Rush. But there are certain sounds that just key in to what it was like growing up on a counsel flat in a broken home with an unemployed dad who has you pop down the corner store for some Rizla papers to roll his own.

It's just a tad to the left of pub music, y'know?

Point is Original Pirate Material got a bit of that larey London lad energy and was like a time capsule that yanks you back to 2002 to the point of which you can feel your old Nokia 220 vibrate in your pocket while you listen.

New album ain't terrible. Better than Computer and Blues by a wide margin.

Troubled Waters is an absolute classic and once again Skinner has caught a level of mild desperation with the British public. I always appreciated his "day in the life of a geeza" approach and I think one of the two reasons Skinner's career never took off beyond Original Pirate Material is that he was no longer just another bloke when that song hit. Later albums have songs about dealing with his fame and having affairs with high level pop stars and he lost the relatable flair that brought him to greatness.

Like no shade to Going Through Hell or that one song about the Earth will be fine it's us who are fucked. He's got some bangers in the mid but he came out the gates with an album of "bangers, not anthems"

I mean... Original Pirate Material is just a perfect album. Dunno what else to say.

This new one is growing on me. It's got a mature edge and it comes from a perspective of an older guy who has lived beyond the legacy his debut 20 years ago offered.

I need to force myself to listen to anything other than Troubled Waters but I find myself rewarded for doing so. Just wish Too Much Yayo wasn't the opening track. I'm not fond of it.

Movies

I've not been in a cinema since Spider-Man No Way Home and before then since movies were my career. Losing movie theatres in the pandemic has altered my brain chemistry a little, I think?

Creed III - Creed is one of my alltime favorite movies and so I was really excited for III. I was fucked up from being off of my hormones at the time and so I ended up watching it on the day of a meltdown when I had screamed my throat raw and was crying and non-verbal. That may have impacted my enjoyment of the film a little and I need to go back to it at some point. I really enjoyed the cerebral final battle between Donnie and Majors' character. Cried a bunch when Mary Anne died =/

It's sort of a tough thing to be all attached to this franchise and see it keep missing jumping off points. I wanna see it keep on going but I don't wanna see it decline after so many high finishes, y'know?

Super Mario Bros Movie - I literally do not remember watching this. Granted I was laid up at the time. It came to home media ridiculously fast. Still. I have no firm memory of this at all and I think that's an indictment on Illumination more than my mental state in surgical recovery.

Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse - I am impressed but still waiting on the other shoe to drop. Another "Fuck Joe Quesada" production so I found myself deeply enjoying the fact Pete/MJ's wedding is a "canon event".

I honestly enjoyed the conversation around the movie more than the film itself.

Soundtrack is bloody amazing and Hobie is an absolute bro. Love that guy!

Barbie - Greta Gerwig does not miss. Lady Bird is one of our all time favorites and this was an enjoyable film in the same vein as Lego Movie. It lacks teeth or staying power but many of the movies which reach the top of the box office these days are that way. Teeth aren't profitable.

I adored the production and it is just pleasant to see good costumes in a movie in an increasingly stingy/anti-union world.

Like it's a fine and fun movie but like some people said "this movie doesn't have subtext, it's just text" and that is probably for the best given its wide audience. I just need something more.

Guardians of the Galaxy 3 - It was alright. I liked the sentiment with Groot at the end. Yeah. Don't have much to say. It was alright.

War Games (1983) - Sleepyhead and Copper don't bond much. We're all family at Oikos but we're different people at the end of the day. When my two partners discovered I'd never seen this movie they worked together to correct it instantly.

It was a lovely night feeding off of their excitement and I am pleased to say the movie was well worth it and gave some good context for Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker's climax.

Lowkey may have been my favorite movie moment of the year. Plus it gave me context to references made in Mr. Robot so that was nice <3

Before Trilogy - I have had this on my DVD shelf since I was married and the idea of "the most realistic romance trilogy" has never seemed appealing. I'll be honest. I like the locations. I love the chemistry of the main pair and I enjoyed the first two parts way more than expected but didn't vibe with the final movie.

I doubt I will end up watching them again, which is a shame after so many years of having it hyped up on Film Twitter.

Television

TV is a quick and easy way to bond with loved ones and so I've been watching a bunch, especially while I was laid up. Sharing media remains one of my favorite ways to connect with people after all. In this time I've shared all of Twin Peaks with Sleepyhead, rewatched some old anime shows with Copper

Secret Invasion - I sincerely wish I could unwatch this. It was awful. No elaboration. Just... I did not like it. Best I can say is that the discussion threads doing "Boom! You looking for this?!" jokes was funny.

Star Wars Franchise - Okay. Copper, my boyfriend REALLY likes Star Wars and so has been sharing all the new content with me while introducing me to the past stuff. Rebels and Andor have been my favorite. Ahsoka was my least favorite. It's a true sign of love that I'm willing to put in with Star Wars given my history with the movie theatre-- that franchise has caused me so much misery.

Chopper is great though. Love that little war crimes robot.

I now understand the Mortis meme and I agree. I know peeps are all about the midichlorian thing and like, sure, yeah, no. That's bullshit because you're sciencing up the faith thing but like-- this ain't it. Don't rebalance that by going all in on the faith and applying it to deities. That is such a shitty thing to do when the basis was a balance between inner peace and conflict derived from a Buddhist mentality. Idk. The War in our Stars is not our favorite. But we loved sharing it with someone we love.

Loki Season 2 - This year I just about gave up on Marvel and decided to wait for the next story arc to conclude and see if it's worth returning to. I do not watch as many movies these days and they do not serve their social function for me as they had in a life when movies were my career and I was surrounded by those who shared my passion.

Watching this season with Sleepyhead was the closest I felt to those old days of excitement and reaction and social lubrication. It was deeply enjoyable for those reasons and more. I feel like it was the epilogue that the early phases of Marvel deserved and the only version of the modern Multiverse plot that felt worthy of my attention. I find that Multiverse as a concept robs a franchise of consequence. I can watch characters slaughtered by Scarlet Witch and feel nothing and it makes it impossible to feel the weight of consequence. Even the protagonist of this show is not the man murdered by Thanos.

Yet it is the acknowledgement and embracement of this fact which allowed me to enjoy Loki as a show. He was a version of the man who was there for Thor at the end of Ragnarok. We saw him robbed of development and we saw him deconstructed and reconstructed into that which we always knew he could be.

Loki gives me hope but I still intend to take a break. It was nice to be driven and excited again, though.

Andromeda - Not gotten far but sharing this with Daja and enjoying it thus far if only because Nietzschean is such a fun concept for a species and there's a ton of time shenanigans involved. I wanna see more!

The cast are a delight, the low budget is endearing and the theme song is written by a member of Rush. Also Daja informs me that some episodes were pitched as DS9 episodes.

Mr. Robot - This may actually be my favorite show now. Like of all time. It just mixes everything I love about Prestige Drama shows, specifically Better Call Saul and then applies it to topics that have my focus like mental illness and Capitalism Bad. Plus it's a pastiche of modern cinema and keeps teasing the "I KNOW THIS!" center of my brain with (intentional in-universe) references.

The plot surrounds the rise of a hacktivist group going up against the evil corporation that controls 70% of the US's money. They are Exxon, Wal-Mart and Wells-Fargo rolled into one.

Each character in the show is suffering from isolation generated by a modern society and the camerawork constantly shows this off by minimizing their space in the frame to show off all the empty space around them. It's rare for two characters to interact on screen at the same time and typically shows trust and connection. The show does this so consistently that it becomes an unspoken language long before the first season concludes. It's a fantastic way of feeling the emotional walls between people and seeing when they are torn down.

By the end of the show they are doing victory laps with themed episodes and all 3 of them are some of the best I've seen in my life.

S3E5 is a simulated one take during a riot that captures the frantic energy of the heist and chaos of protestors breaking into the E Corp building amazingly.

S4E5 is a no dialogue episode and pulls a similar trick to the above, utilizing silence for a better payoff.

S4E7 is the best episode of television I've seen in my life. An hour long bottle episode structured like a 5 act play.

This show changed my brain chemistry forever. I wish I had found it in my past life. I would have loved to have done watch parties as it aired.

Castlevania: Nocturne - I am reserving judgment until later. I enjoyed the first season. Olrox is wonderful. I just don't have enough to bite into to really feel invested. I didn't get into the first show until season 2 so we'll see how this one develops.

Scott Pilgrim Takes Off - Watched it in one sitting with Sleepyhead. It was a fun little show made with a ton of love. I don't have anything deep to say about it. It was nice to see and I enjoyed watching it.

Video Games

If I've gone off of movies then I'm entirely off of games. I haven't really anticipated a game enough to preorder it since God of War Ragnarok, though a part of this is that I see no reason to upgrade to PS5 and my machine isn't powerful enough to play Alan Wake II or Cyberpunk. I likely would have bought Spider-Man 2 if I had a PS5 and would have regretted it and would have bought Metal Gear Solid Master Collection if I were still playing games and also regretted it.

For disclosure we watched a few games on YouTube. Spider-Man 2, Anatomy, Signalis and Slay The Princess most notably. But we're not going to type about the ones we watched. Feels unfair to judge something we didn't experience directly. Though it means we can't (well, chose not to) type about MyHouse and that's a shame because we watched SO much about that! We learned so much about programming from it!

So bonus thoughts "MyHouse fills us with awe and envy over what can be accomplished with existing engines and should be mandatory inspiration for any game dev who is trying to think inside the box" "Spider-Man 2 seems like a better game to play than watch, the game failed on every possible level with the concept of Symbiote controlled Peter. They could have had us fight as him and have no dialogue. They could have had us fight us Miles while Peter is violent and silent. They could have had a sequence of Peter (or Miles) fleeing Kraven while feeling hunted and then use the same concepts for Peter chasing MJ... they failed to do anything to amplify the story and it fell flat. Watching it was a chore." "Signalis is a work of art and I will play it and post full thoughts one of these days" "Anatomy is the scariest fucking thing I've ever played and I wish I didn't check the authors other games. The concept of a user violating a work of art by interacting with it is clearly their obsession and they have done it 3 or 4 times with the exact same framework. Anatomy feels like a complete and whole product in a way the others don't. I am too cowardly to play this myself." "Slay the Princess feels like a game tailor made for someone I care about. It made me miss them while letting me feel close to their memory. The fractured/distorted reality path caused me to have a panic attack."

Disco Elysium - Such an interesting little point and click adventure this is. I found the first few hours deeply frustrating as it is a fully immersive sim with the concept of throwing you into the role of an amnesiac cop in a post revolution community that is trying its hardest to stand upright after being through decades of hardship. It really wants to explore the painful reality of being in decline and caught between the fantasy of a better yesterday and the fantasy of a better tomorrow.

It is also a failure simulator.

In that regard it succeeds perfectly. I was forced to feel the kind of useless that reality offers when I am asked to perform with authority a task that I have absolutely no basis of how to do whatsoever.

Failing continuously during the early game is important to establishing your understanding of the mechanics and grounding how you will adapt. My earliest actions were reprehensible in universe because I could not grasp or master mechanics enough to insert my will upon the character. That, however, is one of the failings of the game in my mind. You are ranked for everything you do (in one of a slim number of cookie-cutter endings - to the point of which this PARODY of how lacking they are comes up first when you type "Disco Elysium Ending" into YouTube) and it feels a little like the game wants you to grapple with the politics and morals of reality via how you interact in game and though it succeeds in many regards it does fail when gameplay mechanics get in the way.

For the most part I loved the breakdown of the city that stands proud and shapes the people within it. I loved the explorations into moral philosophy and I truly enjoyed the comedy, no matter how dark it got. Harry is an absolute human disaster (my Disco Elysium tag is "Human Disaster") and I was endeared.

My final complaint is that it suffers the same bullshit that Donnie Darko does. This is a lovely narrative about the resilience of cultures and community that is buried in the brickwork, it's a beautiful critique on how to live with existential despair and a takedown of overly indulging in pain/regret or rejecting reality and living in pure fantasy. As a moral piece and as a take on philosophy it is second only to NieR:Automata in my mind... BUT... There's the fucking Pale.

I do not think this game benefits from Deep Lore and a dive into What's Really Happening with reality unfolding and the dump of information surrounding it. Like Donnie Darko the fiction's themes are fine on their own and require no supernatural/sci-fi explination for 50 minute YouTube deep dive videos.

Everyone talks about the church sidequest being the best in the game but I resented having this human story warped by the existential dread of a supernatural oblivion, even if it's a stand-in for climate grief.

Night in the Woods - I loved this one far more than I expected. Someone I cared for deeply insisted I play it when it was new but it wasn't until I got it in a charity games bundle that I was willing to give it a shot.

The snapshots of growing up are not things I can relate to. I'm an English city girl from poverty who never went to college. The melancholy of America's forgotten cities and the abandonment of their communities was as alien to me as Revachol from Disco Elysium. I say that because much of the fan reaction I've observed talks of how relatable the game is.

What I did find though was a rich character driven story that was able to get vibes across well. I really like how the game wanted to make us get on the same page of frustration with Mae's parents without making Mae's parents bad. Having them not pick her up from the bus station and seeing the seeds of their resentment to her failure in college really helped me view them through an imperfect lens. I fear if the opening was not introducing us to Mae in such a sympathetic manner then some audience may have rejected her for being as immature and unreliable as she seems at first before we learn of her mental issues.

The mechanic of the towns people you forge connections with showing up at the church was dearly appreciated, though I found much of the optional mechanics of the game to become chores by the end. I did not want to go to the subway and the edge of the town every single day to see if I could advance the plot with the teens so I gave up on it. Poetry neighbor was cool though.

All in all I enjoyed it. I throw "Die Anywhere Else" on sometimes as a feel good track and my favorite sequence was the party in the college town.

Oh and I chose to ignore (or just disregard the legitimacy of) the supernatural elements for the same reason as Elysium. The story works just fine without ancient gods in the mine and cat gods in dreams.

Tears of the Kingdom - TotK was what kept me sane while I was bed ridden. I did not enjoy the absolute freedom. I seldom do in video games, but the sheer expanse of mapping the depths kept me going for a long while.

Dungeons were better this time but I still find myself longing for OoT and Wind Waker's style.

I found much of my enjoyment to come from watching Sleepyhead and Copper playing the game or hearing about Daja's campaign. It's simply not my type of game. A good distraction but I long for something which feels like I'm working towards something and most of modern Nintendo is designed to keep you in a gameplay loop forever with no satisfaction of completion.

Had the map not have been a tangible accomplishment I may have ended up disappointed. Game design is rapidly moving away from my interests. God of War Ragnarok may well be the final game I end up buying new and loving.

The Room Franchise - As a matter of love towards Daja I played one of her all-time favorite game series. Puzzle boxes and many of them. Room 3 is the best by a wide country mile. I enjoyed the aesthetic and found myself trying to get through each room as swiftly as possible. Each game was a single sitting for me but I enjoyed them. Plus the anniversary sale made the franchise barely cost anything.

Sonic Frontiers - I did not enjoy it. I hear that Sega kept working on it and it's actually a good game now but I played it when new and it was... well a modern Sonic game.

Penlight - I have an entire tag dedicated to how much I enjoyed it and Turq, Sleepyhead and I have a Discord chat titled The ENTIRE Penlight Fandom where we share theories, headcanons and story ideas.

Fact of the matter is it is a visual novel that takes a lifetime of existing in the hypnosis community and creates every single cautionary tale we could think of as a community. Angela DeMille knows her stuff and wants you to know how beautiful and incredible hypnosis can be with clear communication, trust and vulnerability and how horrific it can be without those things.

There is a policy of "no good endings for unethical choices" that I truly appreciate. Just check my tag. I wrote tens of thousands of words about how much I enjoyed the game.

I think I got everything?

May edit later? Idk. Anyway! I typed a thing!

[golbrocklovely]

Elton said he made mistakes. Sam and Colby forgave him and are friendly with him again. Doesn’t mean they’ll show up on each other channels all the time now. They forgave him. There is nothing wrong with that.

You can’t live in anger. It will eventually consume you and corrupt your soul. They chose forgiveness. You don’t have to like it but I think they want people to support them in their choice.

i mean, if they think a three hour conversation makes up for three years of bad mouthing, they're allowed to think that way. if it brings peace to them to forgive that's great and i truly hope that's the case.

but that could not be me.

i was always of the belief, for a very long time, of being the bigger person is always the better option. that you should let things go and not hold onto negativity and what have you. but as i've gotten older, i've realized that i'm not one to let go of things at all, truly. like, certain events in my life that have happened, do i look at them the same way i did as the day after it occurred? no of course not. i'm not that angry anymore. but letting go of anger, to me, doesn't always mean forgiveness. it can just mean accepting what happened to me as a fact about myself, rather than this monumental moment that i can't talk about bc it upsets me too much. it's like becoming detached to the event, but also still knowing it made you feel the way it did.

you don't have to forgive someone that broke your trust, your heart, or disrespected you. you don't have to be the bigger person. you don't have to always be nice, especially if you were disrespected. but that's just how i feel.

to relate this back to snc, they can do whatever they please. if forgiveness is what they want, that's fine. i don't think it's the right call, but i am one person with one opinion. they don't have to, and won't, listen to me lol

[meissashush]

🍁🌾💐🌺☄💦

for Ro

🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?

Ro is a habitual hider. In a new place, she'll always sniff out the quietest place to hide unseen, regardless of whether she actually ends up needing it. That said, she isn't really one to claim an area. If her so called 'territory' is ever usurped by a different antisocial weirdo introvert, she won't contest it. The location just gets written off as 'less than ideal' and a new one is hunted down.

The closest she has to a comfort corner is her room, and later her solo apartment. It's not intentional, but rather incidental in nature. She's naturally inclined to keep everything she considers 'hers' confined to her personal space, and she tends to only keep things she genuinely needs or likes.

🌾 Describe your OC through the eyes of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them

EDIT FROM FUTURE MEI!!!! IM STUPID AS SHIT AND ALSO DYSLEXIC AND READ THIS AS "Describe your OCs eyes through the lens of someone absolutely head-over-heels in love with them" BECAUSE IM A FUCKING MORON. Anyway, this stays as a monument to my stupity.

"Crystalline. They contain such a profound clarity that they can rend you quite transparent, despite one's best efforts." - Ignis

"Icy. Like the crisp blue of a clear. midwinter sky. But, like, in a refreshing sort of way." - Gladio

"Oh man, I've been trying to figure this one out for years. It's like if baby blue, cerulean, and royal blue started making out, you know?" - Prompto

"Uh... they're blue, right?" - Noctis

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Well, she's a Leonis, so not well. She'll hide her illness/injury for as long as possible, and who ever can catch her is going to be the one wrangling her into bed for the duration. Ignis and Nyx have the best luck with it simply by virtue of being more stubborn than her, followed by Prompto and Noctis who are great at distracting her with video games and co-naps, with Gladio and Cor coming in solid last. Turns out trying to just force her into bed and expecting her to stay there isn't the best strat. Naturally, this means she a pretty awful patient.

As for her as a caretaker, she's pretty decent. Quick to find what you need, intuit what you want, and most likely to remember bizarre things like how Prompto can't stand the smell of eggs when he's ill. Bedside manner is not the best, but she's not Cor or Gladio.

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

When she was younger, and sometimes when there is no real time to recover, she has a tendency to just work through it until she can't anymore. As she got older and learned to rely on people more, she became much more prone to seeking comfort from others. The best person for the situation varies heavily, but Cor is definitely a one-size-fits-all person for an upset Rosea. If she's alone, she's gotten better of just talking herself through it in a quiet space. It takes longer, but it does work.

☄️ Does this OC deserve better treatment from you? Do you make them suffer just a little bit too much? Be nice to them!

This isn't even a question, this is just you yelling at me :[

I am very nice to her, thank you very much. Those are load bearing traumas. All of them. Even the non-canon ones I make just for fun.

💦 If you as the writer could erase one traumatic event from this OC’s life what would it be and why?

I would erase the event that led her to emotionally cutting herself off from everyone she loved :] The first one, anyway. Pretty sure that's the main jenga block in all of her -gestures vaguely- that.

[sesmantelar]

where has the time gone? why have I not been journaling and pouring my emotions here? lately, I have been doing a lot of shadow work so I can stop being in denial and get to the root of all the issues I face. I ensure that I do it in my physical diary because someone somewhere or some website had mentioned how it encourages a deeper connection with the mind and body as opposed to just digital. I still want to update here regularly though. life has been whatever lately. i'm looking to get a stable/consistent job in my city so I can relax and stop doing these crazy long drives. I work here again tonight, which I am not looking forward to, but I'm allowing myself a nice easy and restful day to set me up for success later tonight. I really want to cancel the 4 hour shift tomorrow. I have zero desire to ever come back to this place if I had a say. and to be honest, outside of these final few shifts, I do not believe i'm going to be picking up here again unless I end up in extraneous circumstances again. it's time to put myself first even more, and than means maximizing ice, exercise, and me time aka working closer to home. this coming weekend, I have my first harp recital! my harp instructor is telling me to engage in positive self talk to get through this because I do not feel ready. but im going to do it. it's at a nursing home ironically, so hopefully this may lessen the sour taste I have and give me a positive outlook. im going to go for it, and if I mess up, at least I tried. I need to find an appropriate Dres for this event however. I'm planning on testing bronze and maybe canasta tango this week on the ice. I'[m also hopping back into my OMAD. the last two weeks had two dates. I went on a beach camping trip, and then I met up with the cute coworker I used to work with at that old hospital. both dates went well, and I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to get super attached to knowing the outcome of this situation. I give up trying to know everything and give it all to the universe. I no longer have control. however, I have a gut feeling something is going to come of the situation with the coworker. im trying to think of any new crazy updates but I don't think anything super monumental has happened lately. however, I do know that I have been in a bit of a slump again. my period came twice in a month, after bumping my protein intake up to around 170g. I'm at a point in my fitness journal where every. single. day. makes an aesthetic difference. some days, you can see my 11 line abs - other days I look soft and like a teddy again. I obviously ate out at the beach, and this new guy took me to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. and I have been having some wine lately. Im not forcing myself to not have it because I enjoy it, but it must fit into my macros for it to be a weekly thing. so I need to stage another mini intervention. it now seems that every single week is an intervention for me. number one I keep skating. my weekly lessons serve as a stark reminder about my progress or lack thereof during the week. number two I MUST START STAYING HYDRATED. I need to stop "leaving" It for work because it never happens and I know do not know the last time I drank enough water number three STRICT STRICT STRICT 170g protein 50 net carbs, calories below 1400, 22 hour fasting outside of dating! stay ready so you don't have to get ready number four attend the CODA meeting on Monday night in person! number five sign up for shifts this week and start catching your finances up number six MUST READ EVERY SINGLE DAY. FIRST THING I DO UPON WAKING UP. number seven get your manicure on Monday. for some reason, when every little thing about me is together, I feel much more together in the larger aspects of my life

stay ready so you don't have to get ready.