silkimkamal-blog

[frostingtheorange]

Drew this in the midst of my boredom (note: I don't know how to draw hats)

HAT ENTHUSIASTS (note 2: height accurate ish)

[velmashaircut]

My favourite and least favourite OPM hairstyles

Least Favourite

Garou’s hair is ugly af it makes him look like an evil rabbit and it looks really knotted too, if you tried to brush it out the brush would break. I hope his hair is naturally styled like that because I refuse to believe Garou would purposely style his hair that way every morning before he goes hero hunting. Idk how anyone could take him seriously with hair like that.

I wonder how many jars of hair gel Lightning Max goes through a month when he styles his hair, it looks like a stiff dollop of cream on his head. Idk why but the hairstyle, plus the fact he’s blond and blue eyed makes me think of Tweety Bird whenever I see him. Garou’s hair is ugly, but Lightning Max’s hair is plain silly.

Tbh with Puri Puri Prisoner’s hair everyone I’ve met with this hairstyle I’ve hated. His hair reminds me of the annoying people at school who’d bully you and disrupt the class and that alone makes him worthy of being placed in this category.

Favourite Hairstyles

Tatsumaki’s hair is so pretty I love how it curls at the end and how it floats and bounces around her, especially when she uses her powers. To me her hair makes her look really classy, I really liked the look of her hair when she was first introduced.

Let’s not act surprised Flashy Flash is the King of Keratin and could probably be the face of Tresemme if he so wished. Here Murata really went out of his way to draw his hair as shiny and slick as possible even when he’s executing a double kill. Even when Flash’s hair is messy and gets in his face I still like it because I think it makes him look prettier.

You could argue that Okamaitachi and Garou have the same hairstyle and it’s unfair that I put his hairstyle in my least favourite category and Kama’s in my favourite. But the thing is Kama’s hair is actually nice. I like the slickness of curvature of hair, it actually looks like she takes care of her hair unlike Garou. I also appreciate the bangs clipped to the side and the loose stands at the front. Her hair is cute and eccentric, Garou’s hair only ticks one of those boxes.

Drive Knight’s hair is underwhelming when you first meet him, it makes him look like a weak, nerdy robot who gets zero robot bitches. But when you see him fighting with Nyan?? It’s like his hair had a glow up and now he gets all the robot ass he wants. It’s longer, more fluffy and luscious and makes him look more scary. I wonder if it’s real hair.

Bomb’s hair is bomb. That’s all I have to say.

[thewizardstarry]

This one is very personal to me, since its been a year since i got to the whole self growth and manifesting stuff and i write it to remind myself how far ive come yet.

Yesterday i was on my tiktok and i got that "year ago on this day blah blah..." thing and wow i dont recognize the person i used to be anymore!

Me year ago:

- 0 friends (the fake bitches dont count)

- forever single

- stucked in the environment i hated

- low self esteem, goddamn hatred towards myself

- ugly ass short hair, ruined by bleaching and hair dye, literally looked like straw, very stiff in texture

- no makeup skills, my sense of style was very questionable

- terrible mental health

- underweight and flat lol

- very pesimistic about future, even scared of it

- none existent social life

Me now:

- has great friends who respect and care about me

- quite popular

- in relationship with the best guy i've ever met

- confident af, bad bitch energy

- has thick wavy hair, dyed back to their natural brown color, soft and shiny

- loves herself

- takes much more care of her skin and hair

- gained some weight (in form of muscles), has strong body build and thicc clepsidra shape

- prettier face (got rid of baby face and finally look my age, more prominent cheekbones etc)

- found a hairstyle that suits me perfectly

- better makeup and clothing style

- radiates feminine energy

- mentally stable, doesnt need therapist or antidepressant and is doing great

- ambitious and looking forward to what future holds

- has a odd job, makes a lot of money weekly and can afford anything she wants

- travels a lot, goes to many parties and concerts

"I'm going to glow up one more time"

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

I've been playing Tower of Fantasy.

The Bad:

The open world is atrocious. Even lowering the fps can't stop the freezing and lagging. With ping below 10, I should have no problems when Genshin, HSR, and DBD give me no issues.

The character models bug way too much.

The enemies respawn in just a couple minutes, so I can't even pause to check my newest achievement before I'm suddenly dying.

Yeah. You can die while in the menu.

In fact, you can peruse the menu, and if you push either of the analog sticks, your character will still move. Even when you aren't on that screen.

Same thing happens when you're looking at a telescope. Twitch even the slightest and you'll walk off the damn cliff despite somehow being engaged in something that requires you to use movement and buttons to complete a task.

If you have to do a quest in a place that usually has a specific type of enemies, those mobs will be replaced with quest-specific mobs, BUT when you finish the quest, the former mobs will spawn in right on top of you and you can die by getting hit too many times suddenly.

You need to use a cursor to still access some places on your screen, but you have to hold down L2 and that touch pad at the center of the controller. It doesn't work have the time, and the touch pad makes you crouch, which L2 aims the bow. So, you have to mash hitting them at the same time to get the cursor to pop up, and even then, it also lags. I tested this out with 2 different controllers and it's not them that are effed up.

Basically, the HUD is very unfriendly to console players despite the game being available on console!

The animations during dialogue are atrocious. And you can't skip through certain things until the animation stops. Even if the speaking is finished first.

There are many screens where there is text, but no sound, and you can't just Skip or go past them. One took almost 30 seconds of time just for fourteen words.

Tutorials are lacking and the explanations don't make sense.

The plot is hard to follow, and I genuinely don't know what is going on. We just have to keep turning on these tower things and then whatever? Why? What is this even about?

How am I supposed to gaf about these characters when they voice acting isn't up to par and the animations of conversations between characters is stiff and ugly af?

The models for the hands don't even grab their weapons. In cutscenes when people pick up or grab things, their hands just stay stiff and look like plastic.

A lot of the playable character designs look the same.

The teleports/spacerifts or whatever are a struggle to use.

If you want to interact with ANYTHING you need to be standing perfectly still before you even get the prompt. If want to entire a domain or teleport somewhere, you CANNOT budge even a little or it cancels.

The jetpack lacks in height or distance, and I'm confused on how a piece of electricity-powered technology requires player stamina just to use it. And why, since it uses stamina on you, does it not do more with that stamina? I should be able to launch myself to the moon with it ffs.

The Good:

Challenges. They have a variety in terms of challenges you can do in mini domains? I've so far done timed platforming, side-scrolling, and maze-run kinds of challenges. The game doesn't lag while doing them and the visuals are nice. The rewards are very good.

Variety of weapons to use. Your active character can use any of them it seems, and they perform differently, but awesomely.

Rewards are very generous. I've been playing for 1 week and already have 5 SSRs. And I'm due for 2 more very soon. Exploring in the open world while a hassle, does come with the stuff you need for gambling. I've done a lot of pulling already.

Customize your character, which is pretty cool. Obviously, I layered on purples of all sorts. There's a lot to choose from and I typically run around as the MC rather than anyone else tbh.

You can do tasks with other players to get rewards faster.

Double-jump option, and the dodge allows you to close distance mid-air quite nicely.

I like the fighting and exploring but the story is lost on me, the lag is unreal, and the best thing of it all was finding out characters can swap weapon types.

And yeah, that's it.

[maxverstepponme]

And I’ve seen what those influencers wore to yesterday’s lunch and they were ugly af as well, it’s like yeah they have the money but they don’t know how to dress, or buy good pieces or how to combine them properly. // You must know better than Camila Coelho aka one of the biggest fashion influencers in the world, right? //

I agree with you but let's judge together 😊

Kelly: I love the top part on her (my flat chest could never 😭) but the skirt is either too long or too short and looks a bit too heavy/stiff (nothing to do with Kelly, it's the dress design) / Patricia: the dress looks cute and I love the collar, colors and the green bottom but I think the skirt too "rigid/stiff" as well / Dafne: it's really cute, love the bright color and the more delicate white pearls with the bow

honestly, they all killed it, I love the variation of the looks. the only two I like a tiny bit less are Nane Miller's (the second one on the left) kinda looks like something is missing, jewels and accessories 🤔 and Cristina Arcay for the same reason, the edge of the skirt looks maybe looks too simple? the skirt of Carolina Lindo (the third one from the right) is the reason why I think the bottom part of Kelly's dress is either too short to be long and too long to be short

absolutely love it, the flower, the bag, I'm obsessed

I love the dress, the cut out with the white pattern and the asymmetrical collar/sleeves

Yasmin's dress was really nice, love the colors and Camila's outfit is nice as well. sadly we can't see Martha's outfit better but the love this so much, the collar or necklace? with the patterned see-through dress with cristal and pastel green clothes underneath 😩

in conclusion, I loved it 🥰 I love PatBo, they have so many pretty clothes

Kelly: I think the color suits her a lot and it makes her eyes pop. I’d love to see her wearing something blue or green sometime though. I agree on the dress, it’s either too long or too short, but it’s still pretty and she looks good. She doesn’t need all that editing.

Patricia: I love the dress and the look in general. She looks really pretty and I really like the color combo.

Dafne: I feel like the straps are giving night time, but she looked gorgeous either way.

With the other influencers, I also feel something is missing for the one you pointed out. I feel like some color. I love the dress from the second one on the right. The black and white dresses are beautiful!

Yasmin: I thought she looked weird when she posted about it but I think it was the angle. I really love this dress and she looks really pretty.

Camila and Martha also look great.

[mymomisdrunkagain]

My Mom is a Big Fat Drunk

April 4 - she drank all day again today. took two or three "naps", had the bedroom and the livingroom TVs on, at the same time, on the same channel, and she was probably passed out, anyway. Oh! She also finally noticed that I'm not talking to her. Its been 3 days.

This evening's highlight? I wasn't getting any delivery orders at all while at home, so I decided I'd have to go park in a lot closer to UCSD and sit and wait. Seems like such a stupid waste of time, to me, but that’s a different story. Anyway, I left around 9pm and got to the lot around 9:20. I think she was passed out when I left, but I didn't double-check. As I was sitting in the parking lot, I started to get hungry and decided to grab something from Vons. I was also reminded of how shitting she's making this whole situation when I thought about grabbing more than just a microwave meal; anything I buy, she's just gonna eat and then I'm back at Vons--- err. See previous entry…

I guess at some point, she texted me to pick up some aspirin for her. Didn't read it. Don't care. She's perfectly able to order some whatever-the-fuck-she-wants from CVS and have it delivered by … wouldn't ya know it? … DoorDash! Plus, I was still on-the-clock, technically. So, no-go, lady.

I see right thru her manipulations, now that I've stepped back my emotional investment in her, and its all just pretty ugly. For example, she could order stuff and have it delivered, which she knows, which means her goal was to make me do something for her, thus reinforcing her psychological control over me. Nope. Not happening. Not anymore. … and then there's the nature of her order: aspirin. That was an immediate red flag. She wants me to know she's in "so much pain;" she can't even move a muscle to get some relief and save herself from all the terribleness! Nope. Not falling for it. No sympathy from me.

If you haven't see our dynamic in person, or know our stupid story in greater detail, I probably come off as coldhearted and callous. Maybe even evil. So, you'll have to just trust me when I say this seemingly mean/evil side of me is not what it looks like; this is really a positive breakthrough for me. I've been under her control and manipulation my entire life and this clarity and insight into her manipulations and schemes is a pretty cool piece of armor to help defend myself against her, and, hopefully, another solid step towards breaking free of her control, entirely!

The real clincher is that auntie got home from work before I did, and even tho I totally already knew the answer, I had to ask her anyway: did mother ask auntie to get her aspirin, too?-- since she was also out of the house, etc… and, No. of course she didn't. the discussion got a little heated and auntie finally broke down and asked if _she_ could go get mother's aspirin for her, even tho she was tired af and just home from work, too. Can you guess the answer? No. Of course she didn't want auntie to go get the much-needed pain reliever for her. She literally had a perfectly viable, albeit total dick move, solution to her problem right there and did. Not. Take. It. Hmm…. So, that means she specifically asked me and only me, and specifically asked for a pain reliever. Because of all the pain. Huh. Imagine that.

Couldn't be bothered to ask auntie. Couldn't be bothered to order CVS thru Door Dash. Couldn't even be bothered to try to go out and get it herself. I was the only person in the whole world who could save her from all the pain. Huh. Weird.

PS: oh yeah! Another big reason for my tough-love approach with her right now: she just sits around all day long, eating everything, drinking vodka, and barely even moves. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I do know a little bit about how the human body works, and I know from personal experience at various times throughout my life, that if I remain in one position for any extended length of time, my body, my muscles, get stiff as fuck. In fact, it can often be painful for those first couple of seconds when I start stretching and moving again after staying stuck for so long.

Her bad habits (subconscious or otherwise) are absolutely compounding, if not manifesting entirely, whatever injuries she may have. I'd be much more willing to do things like pick up aspirin for her on my way home from work if I saw that doing so would even do anything positive for her, and that she wasn’t the cause of all her pain to begin with!

[bleach-your-panties]

Here's two characters for you to drag lol my mha boys Vlad king and iida

Oh yeah, let's go!

Below the cut!⬇️

iida:

unpopular opinion: a lot of times I feel like he could have minded his business, but he's not a bad class rep or friend. he speaks his mind and stands up for what he believes, which I can respect. but he needs to stop acting like he's somebody's mama all the time 🤣🤣

looks: 7/10

likability: 6/10, too bossy and stiff

f, m, u: him as an adult hero, i'd say fuck

vlad king:

unpopular opinion: his students sorry af😂😭 class 1a be up bright and bushy tailed and 1b be sleeping in. I don't think he's a bad teacher though. he could try to find a way to motivate his students better because they sorry lol even though they did their lil thing against shigaraki and them ig.

looks: 5/10, he not ugly, just not all that to me

likability: 6/10 he's ok,.again not bad

f, m, u: fuck ig🤣🤣

[pirateprincessblog]

Hellow dear ♥️

Can I request something where the reader is a foreign idol just debuted and her group are in the same company as Ateez, but even when she's the main vocal all the public is constantly attacking her because she's "ugly" and not visual so she leaves her shiny and happy personality and now she's more quiet, shy and keeps on the back but Yunho from Ateez feel attracted to her and try to make her feel better and loved 🥺♥️ sorry if i ask for angst af but i feel kinda .-. Today ♥️

BIG DREAMS AND A BROWN SCARF 》 J. Yunho

𝑹𝒆𝒒𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒅: 𝒀𝒆𝒔/𝑵𝒐

𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: Jeong Yunho x Female Reader

𝑾𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: none

𝑾𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔: 2013

𝑺𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚: There is nothing worse than growing distant and nobody noticing, not even asking if there is a problem. Yunho knows the feeling very well. That's why the shy and quiet ones always catch his attention first. They always have a story with them.

𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆: Sorry it took so long love! I hope you like it ♡

I write these in third person pov, with no names because I don't like Y/n. No names are mentioned at all, the reader is "the girl" or "the boy", and other characters have names. I write in third pov because it allows me to write about thoughts from all characters. That's all! Thank you for supporting my work! 🍒

Also, the small moodboards at the beginning are actually here to help you picture everything better. ❤

❈───•✦•♤•✦•───❈

Yunho, along with the rest of the ATEEZ, was often invited to watch and guide the new group under the same entertainment as him. They were young, full of energy and hope. Yunho still knows that feeling. But he also knows that someone needs to prepare them for a downfall too, if it ever happens. With a vocalist like the one in the new group, Yunho doubted that they would ever meet their downfall.

He couldn't help the smile that would creep on his face once the girl would step to the front, showing off her slightly stiff, barely noticeable, dancing moves. Her voice made up for it. After all, that's why they were there. Weeks passed, and Yunho and Hongjoong were the only ones frequently visiting the studio and giving instructions. With each visit, Yunho noticed how different the girl was once the music stopped. He was surprised by the change in her behaviour. He didn't expect her to bounce while walking or to grin constantly, but he also didn't expect to see a numb look on her face. She quietly listened while Hongjoong explained to her how she needs to relax her muscles, and only offered a smile of gratitude when he complimented her voice.

This week, Yunho took the center chair and carefully watched each member. He wanted to be objective, even strict if needed. The manager had told them that one of them is letting her mouth loose and is hurting the rest of the group, yet they have no choice but to put up with it.

The song they were supposed to perform soon for the opening of MAMA was so much different than all the previous times they had seen it. No, the song stayed the same. It was the performance that changed, and it made Yunho disappointed. They didn't say a thing yet. They wanted to see if it would work better that way. The girl was now in the back of the triangle shape they had formed, her head hanging as she waited for the song to begin.

"Red top?" Yunho called.

She, who wore the red top, looked up at Yunho. Seeing the scared expression, the young man softened his gaze and pointed his pen towards her.

"Even the position before the beginning matters. All of you need to mirror each others positions, or else it will look like a mess."

"I apologise." She muttered, her cheeks slightly pink from embarrassment. How can she not he embarrassed? The Jeong Yunho raised his voice at her.

"There's no need to apologise. I'm just giving you advice."

She nodded, then lifted her head and put her hands on her hips, just like her teammates. The song then played, and the boys were confused as to why the choreography stayed the same. The audio was played only, meaning that the girls would sing right now in front of them. Yunho crossed his arms over his chest, carefully monitoring their steps and noting the mistakes that were quite noticeable. None of them were made by her. She took their advices from last few times and did amazing.

Her part of the song was coming up, yet she wasn't getting close to the front. Perhaps they had changed only that part of the choreography? A strong move that would introduce the girl with the strong vocals? Yunho's eyebrows were scrunched with both confusion and slight anger once she started singing, but from the back.

Not waisting a second, he raised his hand as a sign to stop the music. One of the girls turned towards the leader, mouthing something about the boys noticing, then looked at the girl.

"Will someone explain what that was?"

"What exactly are you talking about?" The leader asked, acting as if she didn't just mouth the words like she was singing.

"Why is she back there while she is singing?" Yunho didn't try to sound gentle. They won't learn like that.

"It's a change we made."

"What is the purpose of it?"

Yunho could tell that the girl in the red top was getting uncomfortable. It clearly wasn't her choice. She avoided his gaze, knowing that he was looking directly at her. Still, he didn't want to push it.

"What is the point of that change, leader?"

"As you said at the beginning, the visual part plays a big role here. Since our visuals aren't particularly strong in the vocal area, and our vocalist isn't strong in the visual area, we thought it might look cool to mouth her words as she sings from the back."

Lack of visuals? The girls couldn't be serious. True, she didn't fit the Korean standard much, with her tanned skin and big hips, but it didn't mean she could get pushed behind like that. It's not how it goes.

"It does look cool, as you say it. Listeners will expect to hear your voice but will hear hers instead. It will be like a small surprise." Wooyoung said.

It's stupid, Yunho thought.

The next meeting was pure chaos. Yunho wasn't there to witness it, but by the words of his teammates, the leader yelled at the girl for being too loud and outshining the rest of them. She didn't let her voice do her best until the end of the practice, she focused on her dancing and face expressions, but the boys didn't fail to see discomfort in her body language. She got yelled at in front of ATEEZ, got put down by two of the members and got pushed back in the dancing line. It was clear that she didn't want to be there anymore, at least not that day.

Yunho couldn't wait for the next meeting. He had some words prepared for them, not very kind ones. Discouraging and yelling at each other isn't the way the work things out in groups like these. One by one, they entered the room, flashbacks of the last meeting making their cheeks red. The young man counted only four of them instead of the usual five. Someone's face was missing.

"Where is your teammate?" Seonghwa did the asking.

"We had a small argument right before this. She stayed back in the dorm."

The room was silent for a while. They didn't know how to react. The situation was not pleasant at all, and it wasn't their place to meddle. Yunho clenched his jaw, then looked at all of them, making sure they were listening.

"If you perform flawlessly without her, I'll understand."

Word after word, step after step, the girls were halfway through their song. The bridge was approaching, and until now, the group felt the emptiness in the group, visually and vocally. The bridge was a mess. So much that Wooyoung was the one to stop the music this time. His elbows rested on his knees and his palms held his head up.

"I'm trying to understand why this was necessary. I mean, leaving her out. You debuted as a group, you can't just leave someone behind."

"She doesn't fit in with out concept anyway. It's not too late for a change, this is just the beginning. Besides, a solo career would work better for her." The leader didn't stutter once. It made Yunho wonder where she had gotten the audacity.

"I only have one thing to tell you, leader."

The brown haired girl nodded, signaling him that she was listening. Yunho then set the papers he was holding aside, then put his leg over the other one and leaned back into the chair.

"Shame on you."

"Excuse me?"

"Shame on you," he repeated.

He could hear Mingi laugh with Wooyoung, but seeing Yunho's serious expression, they stopped almost immediately.

"As a leader, you are supposed to be the solution to a problem. The glue that sticks the members together, not something that tears them apart and turns them against each other. Instead, you probably gave the girl lots of insecurities and a fear of performing. It's unbelievable how you have the nerve to say something about not fitting in, when the key is to be different and not monotonous. If she comes back, consider yourself lucky. I'd never come back if I were her."

With that, Yunho grabbed his jacket and announced to the members that he was done. Just before exiting, he spoke:

"I wouldn't pray for her solo career. It would be the end of you."

•✦•♤•✦•

The man didn't hear from the girl for two weeks. Apparently she was very sick, refused to eat and barely drank any water. Her leader was giving her a hard time again, speaking about asking for attention and making her face even more unappealing by not eating. He was furious. They were slowly destroying a person that used to be the ray of sunshine. The company's flower was now withering right in front of their eyes.

The moment Yunho heard a sniff as he passed by her at the nearby park, he decided to draw the line. The two cups of coffee were meant for Hongjoong and him, but his leader will survive without one cup today. He stood in front of her, the smell of the beverage making her head tilt up.

"Walk with me." He said with a smile, offering her one of the fuller cups.

She accepted it without questioning. After all, he's the one who stood up for her. She heard it all from her teammates. It was nice to know that someone still believed in her.

"You didn't spend four years training just to let someone insecure ruin it all."

They walked through the snow covered park, admiring the building from afar. Yunho didn't know what to say. He wasn't quite good at this. He usually didn't like talking when he felt bad. Having someone around him was enough.

"There's always the solo option, you know."

"I don't think I'll do well. My looks are still the problem."

"Looks and talent aren't the same, love."

The girl brough the cup close to her face so she could hide her pink cheeks. The nickname was probably something normal to him, but it meant so much to her. To have the Jeong Yunho walking through the park with her was already overwhelming.

"Jongho and I are willing to help you."

A solo career was never on her mind. She loved her teammates, even respected her leader. She knew they trained even longer than her and wanted to work for success, even if it meant getting rid of a member.

"We can discuss more about this during lunch tomorrow?" Yunho said and stopped walking. He was now standing in front of her, finishing his beverage and tossing it into the nearby bin.

"Lunch? With Jongho?" She questioned, lips twitching into a smile from excitement.

"I don't think Jongho will make it. Just you and I tomorrow. I'll pick you up here?"

The girl was, needless to say, almost in heaven from happiness. She nodded, unable to say anything. He smiled at her again, then took the scarf which was loosely hanging on his neck. He got close to her, not breaking eye contact. He loved how flustered he made her. His brown scarf was now wrapped around her neck, the warmth that his body left now on her bare skin. The smell of his perfume was almost too much for her. Too much was happening in such a short time. She was overwhelmed, but didn't complain.

"You'll get cold. We don't want to cancel tomorrow, do we love?"

And with a playful tap on the tip of her nose and a wink, Jeong Yunho left the girl at the park with his scarf around her neck, with a new hope growing inside her heart.

[hey-michael-young-history]

Another post to celebrate a jolly day, something a little different I found in my iCloud notes.

TW because for references to sui and dark themes

Back in 2020, I was still writing original fiction. I had this idea of a young man, Hunter, who became a doctor to find closure from his father (also a doctor) who died suddenly after misdiagnosing a patient. He’s bitter and stiff because he wants to carry on his father’s work of helping people but he resents the toll it took on his dad.

So anyway, he’s not making it far in his career because his bedside manner is unpleasant and so is he. His mentor sends him to work with the chief of medicine at a small hospital, Dr. Podalirius Benjamin. But Hunter is rude af to the reception and gets paired with the other Dr. Benjamin, Machaon, an ostensibly easy going surgeon and the chief’s younger brother. Naturally, they clash but then crazy shit happens, the hospital is seized by a cult who believe that medicine is against God’s work, led by yet another Benjamin brother, who has formed the cult as a result of the trauma caused by their deeply troubled father who died, along with their mother when the boys were young. His plan is to activate the retroviruses that are dormant in human DNA to wipe out the species, the will of God. So in the end, everyone has to confront their denial of the past.

And yeah okay, maybe I was working through some issues of my own.

So the thing about Machaon is that he’s the youngest brother and was effectively abandoned when their parents died. He was physically abused because their father believed that Machaon was conceived by demonic intervention, caused by increasing paranoia that his wife was cheating on him because he and the other boys are blonde hair, blue eyes fair skin men, whereas Machaon is darker, has black hair, and golden eyes (which his father believed was a result of the demonic intervention). He is a Pollyanna and is really just trying to be loved after a life of rejection. Third Benjamin brother who’s name I can’t remember was deeply traumatized by their father killing their mother in a murder suicide and believes that he did her a favor by taking them both to the afterlife and that’s what he wants to do for humanity.

The Benjamins are named after the sons of Asclepius, son of Apollo and god of medicine. “Hunter” is supposed to invoke the goddess Artemis, which is why Machaon becomes so drawn to him, as the grandson of Apollo. I couldn’t figure out if I wanted to keep it literary or make them actual gods so I eventually tossed this idea.

But I liked the characters so I kept using them for other things. What’s INTERESTING here is that I was experimenting with A/B/O. I forgot that I did this but I love the way I wrote it, even though I was struggling to keep my tense in the present. Enjoy!

Original Draft

“Well, here we are.”

Hunter stops in front of the apartment building and Machaon stops too, carefully, still holding himself under his coat.

"Think about it, Dr Rush, just two seconds away from warmth," he says with a broad smile.

He turns and looks at Hunter, who folds and unfolds his arms. He looks away, then back at Machaon, who's staring up at the building with a smile, puffs of air gathering around his nose. His eyes drops to his trembling abdomen and he remembers what Dr Benjamin told him.

"You should get inside," he says.

Machaon turns and Hunter successfully fights the urge to flinch. The bruises are starting to heal but against his bright golden eyes, they're just an ugly reminder that someone touched his face.

Then he smiles again. "Any chance of you coming up with me?"

Hunter looks at him, then looks up at the building again. Machaon lives on the top floor. That's a long walk...

"Uh, sure. Yeah."

He waits for Machaon to enter and follows closely behind. Machaon takes his hat off and there's a moment when all Hunter can smell is him, strong and clean and heavy, spiced with sweat. Hunter can see it in Machaon's hair, he's sweating and probably tired and Hunter shouldn't have kept him out so long. Machaon always insists, always asks Hunter what he's up to after work before lunch time even rolls around, and always insists that they stay and have one more round of dessert when the clock hits midnight.

Hunter gets it, as uncomfortable as it is, and even if he didn't, Dr Benjamin explained it in explicit enough terms. So he always hesitantly agrees. The only reason he put his foot down this time was because Machaon was so obviously sick and couldn't deal with it.

Machaon stops, clutching the railing. Hunter can feel the heat coming off of him and it's so damp, he almost reaches out and touches him.

"You... Okay?"

"Yeah." Machaon pulls himself up and they get on the elevator. Hunter hits the top floor and Machaon just closed his eyes and leans against the wall. With nothing but time, Hunter takes a second to take in his face. He hears the girls around the hospital whisper about it often and somewhere deep inside himself, he admitted that there's something so alluring about Machaon's face.

They hit the top and Machaon opens his eyes. He smiles at Hunter, through the sweat beading his face and before he can stop himself, Hunter smiles back.

He leads Machaon to his apartment and they stand at the door.

Machaon watches the door expectantly. Hunter clears his throat.

Machaon turns to him and once again, Hunter can't stop his natural response - he flinches and looks away almost immediately.

The carpet is surprisingly plush and clean for the amount of tenants that this building surely has and Hunter focuses on counting each thread until he hears a thud.

Machaon’s head is against the door and he’s got his arms wrapped around himself tightly. Tears are streaming down his face and he slides down, now holding his face in his hands.

Regret is too light of a word. Hunter is seized by shock - he knew it was only a matter of time, but absolutely dreaded the prospect that this would be a mess for him to clean. He leans down and lifts his hands but thinks better of it and stuffs them in his pockets.

“Dr Benjamin—”

Machaon sniffs and rubs his eyes against his sleeves. He pushes his damp hair back and keeps his reddened eyes forward. The bruises are now irritated and his eyes have begun to swell. He opens his mouth but covers it and turns away from Hunter.

“Dr Benjamin… we should… let’s get inside.” Hunter waits but Machaon doesn’t move. The keys are on Machaon’s belt loop, with the car fob open. Normally, he wouldn’t feel comfortable with unhooking them; this situation was unbearable.

“You're right.” Quiet and hoarse, but Machaon’s voice. “Sorry to drag you up here… you don’t have to stay.”

Machaon removes the key and unlocks the door. He doesn’t look back but Hunter slides in anyway.

Machaon starts removing his hoodie as soon as he enters and Hunter can feel the air change immediately. Machaon's apartment is large, open, centered entirely around his living room. No surprises there. It's filled with gold colors, warm tones, a nest of pillows and throws on his sectional couch. Comfort.

Hunter can't help but admire the scene. As he's standing there, Machaon is still tugging at his hoodie, his undershirt bunched up and caught at his shoulders. He staggers and trips.

Hunter takes a breath, inhaling his scent, and grabs Machaon's arms. He tugs, gently, arms up. For his credit, Machaon quietly acquiesces, holding his arms up, eyes down. Hunter, awkwardly towering over him, successfully pulls the damp hoodie up and as he tosses it, his physician instincts kick in and he turns to assess the surgeon.

Not great.

He ‘s sweated the shirt into a second skin and looks barely conscious, somehow standing. His skin is flushed, his eyes barely open.

"Doctor… Benjamin?"

Machaon tilts his head a tad and leans towards Hunter's voice.

"Oh—uh, um," Hunter catches him at his shoulders.

Machaon weakly grabs at his chest, then pushes.

"Sorry…" he mumbles.

Hunter forces himself to keep looking. "Dr. Benjamin. Do you have any Tylenol? We need to cool you down."

Machaon starts to push away again but Hunter grabs his wrist. "Your heart is beating like crazy."

"I'm… I'm… nervous," he breathes. He chuckles, then says, "First time… you've been… up."

"Yeah," Hunter agrees, "Yeah, I just… you know… no reason to get this far."

Machaon groans and rests his damp forehead against Hunter's collar. "You… smell so good… so good."

This is about the maximum discomfort that Hunter can handle.

He drags Machaon over to the couch and lays him down. As he pulls away, Machaon reaches out and grabs his hand.

"Just… just for a few seconds?"

Hunter can't say no. He doesn't even want to be here. He can't leave Machaon in this state, although his mind guiltily reminds him that every time he left without entering the apartment, he did exactly that.

Machaon takes his lack of response as consent and rubs his hand across his cheek. For what it's worth… it does seem to calm him down.

Machaon finally lets go and sighs. "Thank you."

"Can I… get you something?" Hunter asks.

Machaon sighs again. "Can you stay tonight? Please?"

Dread hit Hunter's stomach all at once. It doesn't surprise him that the question he has been running from has finally caught up to him. It doesn't surprise him that Machaon is going to get exactly what he wants.

"Yes."

"Thank you."

It doesn’t stop the fever that’s clearly starting to take him, but it does visibly relax him. That’s something. At least that’s something.

Hunter retrieves a thermometer and the acetaminophen, thankfully the night time cold and flu sort from the bathroom and returns to the couch where Machaon is riding the midnight express to sleep.

He crouches and says, “Hey.”

Machaon cracks open his eyes and smiles again. “H-hey. Th-thanks.”

Oh no. The stutter was starting. If Hunter didn’t do something quick, Dr Benjamin would never let him hear the end of it.

“Open up. Temperature time.”

Machaon shook his head but cracked his mouth open. It took everything in Hunter to ignore the instincts screaming at him to caress the swollen and bruised bottom lip. He slid the thermometer in and let it do it’s business while he worked open the medicine.

“Hmm. Hmmmmmm.”

“I know it’s not comfortable, but we’re almost done. Just a few more seconds,” Hunter assured him, removing the pills.

“Hmmmmm.” This moan caught Hunter’s attention. He turned to see Machaon struggling to pull himself up.

Hunter sighed and held Machaon’s damp head against his chest and gently placed a hand on the surgeon’s waist.

He didn’t realize his mistake until Machaon seized up.

Under the damp undershirt just below his right rib cage was a particularly ugly nasty bruise. Amid the backdrop splatter of reds and purple was an angry,but almost perfect imprint of a grabbing hand.

Hunter’s hand didn’t quite match this imprint but he could surmise from the wet heat spreading on his shirt that it also didn’t quite matter.

Machaon was trembling. Shaking. Hunter let go of his waist and Machaon dropped the thermometer. He let out a gasping sob and tried to push Hunter away.

The younger man awkwardly stepped back... but his physician instincts kicked in. He pulled Machaon’s arms until he was in a sitting position. “There. More comfortable, right?”

Then his Alpha instincts kicked in.

He cradled Machaon’s face in one hand and gently wiped away his tears with the other. Machaon started to turn away but Hunter refused to allow it.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. Look, you’re sitting up, ah, you’re such a good boy.”

He froze mid wipe.

Oh no. He said that out loud. He said it without thinking. Hunter wanted to dash out of the building immediately. But instead, he gently pushed Machaon back and read the thermometer.

99.5.

A normal fever this was not.

[dadsbongos]

*bows down to you* I would like to know your despair arc headcanons for antag reader! Literally love antag reader so much 😳

ahhhhhh nonny please let me treat you to my adoration, i can’t thank you enough for asking me about my despair arc hcs for antag reader

Request for: Fuck it, not even Hajime anymore it’s just antag reader. Girlboss moment Warnings: fuckin despair arc tings lmao there’s a lot to deal with, face cutting, abuse (emotional, mental, physical) cuz hi junko enoshima, manipulation cuz hi junko enoshima, self mutilation/harm, mikan/junko toxicity, gore, vomiting  ~~~

Headcanons:

🐇Okay so I’ve said it before but!! 🐇She was in that toxic relationship between Mikan and Junko 🐇Junko would make her and Mikan compete for any and all affections just to cause them both despair (which even if “won”, was still denied) 🐇And then anytime she could, Junko would just absolutely berate (Y/n)’s looks and talent, calling the Ultimate Copycat a “fake talent” and “just stealing” 🐇So after Junko died, (Y/n) found her body and cut off portions of her face and replaced them with patches of Junko to “be more like her Despair” 🐇She would find people who wanted to fight for hope and take them in, insisting that she was on their side and would lead them to her house for “safety” 🐇Then she’d just restrain them with Mikan so they could perform experiments and surgeries on them together 🐇Definitely helps Kazuichi build his bigger machines, using the more intelligence she has to make better plans for what they’ll do with them 🐇I imagine that as a copycat antag, she’s got a shitload of charisma so she prolly just gets a load of followers 🐇I’m not saying it’s a cult… but 🐇Probably was the influencer for Nagito’s decision to become Servant 🐇Since he was already serving her all the time pre-despair he decided to join the WOH as their servant  🐇As for when she got captured by the Future Foundation… 🐇Was probably one of the harder ones to capture like Nekomaru and Gundham since she could be the Ultimate at almost anything she wanted 🐇When being interrogated by the Future Foundation she was probably smug and cocky af 🐇A solid match for Byakuya, no joke 🐇Maybe worse, like at least he sort of mellowed out with responsibility 🐇Keeps her mouth tightly shut until they mention anything about her face or Mikan 🐇Because as much as she doesn’t truly romantically love Mikan, she’s not even sure she loved Junko, she does care about the nurse very deeply 🐇So it’s when they mention having captured her that they get any sign of emotion other than cockiness 🐇When they say they have Nagito, that also gets them some words from her 🐇But if they say anything about her face, she has a little breakdown and throws a fit about how she’s better than everyone else in the room and she could kill them all if she wanted and she’s more beautiful than any of them could ever dream to be 🐇Didn’t get the chance to help Izuru release Junko into the Neoworld Program, but definitely would have if she could

Stories:

“Would you kill for me?” Junko murmured, bringing a hand up to caress (Y/n)’s cheek, rubbing her thumb over the bone, “Would you die for me?”

“I would!” she cried hysterically, tears already streaming down her face, “Please, say it! Please, just say it! I would do anything for you, please, just love me… I love you! I love you! Just love me, please…”

Her brows furrowed, bringing her gentle touch back to whip the copycat in the face with a backhand slap, “You’re so ugly, a little piggy ripe for the slaughter.”

Sobs pulled at (Y/n)’s convulsing body as she heaved on the ground. Her throat closed and dried up, chest burning and stomach churning until she finally felt her gag reflex trigger. She spat out stomach acids as she wept over a love that was never hers.

“God, you’re so nasty,” Junko kicked her in the ass, knocking her down into her own puke, “Get out and don’t come back until I command.”

“Love me… love me… love me… please… I beg you…!”

~~

“Do you think if I crushed my hand, Junko would care?”

“No.”

“Sonia wouldn’t care if you crushed yours.”

Kazuichi’s eyes flickered from his work to (Y/n), “I know.”

“It’d be…”

“Despairful?”

“Absolutely morbid,” her tone was breathy, a grin easing up over her lips and heart beating faster as she set aside the half-finished Monokuma and pressed her hand onto the metal desk, raising her heavy wrench above her head. 

Kazuichi was quick to copy the moves, eyes wide in anticipation and muscles twitching as his brain desperately tried sending the signals for him to stop.

“One…”

“Two…”

“Three!”

Screams echoed in the warehouse following the sickening crunch of bones under the torturous weight of their wrenches. Kazuichi looked at the girl through his tears, “Again?”

In the midst of her agonized cries, she nodded, blubbering about how horrific the pain was, “Yes, yes, again!”

And so, the countdown started once again.

“One, two, three!”

More bones broken, more pain blasting through their hands for their beloveds to reject everything they were. For the loves they held so dear to look upon them and their injuries and roll their eyes - because they were meaningless in their loves’ eyes.

And that was the despair they craved.

~~

Nagito held out his chain, grimacing when it was Izuru who took it rather than (Y/n) before shoving that hatred back into his chest. Izuru may be a despair-filled faker with no real talent he’d been born with, but he himself, Nagito Komaeda - Servant - was worse. 

He wasn’t worth the air in his lungs. Not even human garbage as he was barely passable as a human being. 

Then, his eyes traveled once again to (Y/n). His dearest and closest friend.

Izuru may have had more talents mastered, but she was natural. She was genuine and had taken the time to master her Ultimate herself while Izuru had them all planted inside his brain as if he had a right to them at all. It was like watching a slacker get all the credit that a hard-worker had already done. Infuriating.

He wished to see (Y/n) ascend into hope once more, he truly believed she could pave the way above everyone else. She had to. She was better than everyone else, it was up to her to return them to hope, once she realized hope for herself.

He believed in her and her hope - once Enoshima’s metaphorical hands were ripped from her spirit.

And he liked to think she had fresh patches of skin that weren't hers, still red around the scars and peeling, were there for the same reason he had a new hand that wasn’t his.

~~

“She’s so much like Byakuya,” Makoto mumbled, watching through the glass as their newest captured Despair, (Y/n) (L/n), tapped her nails against the table her hands were chained to.

“First that troublesome imposter and now her, who do they think they are? They’re not even near being worthy of the Togami name.”

Kyoko scanned the girl, “She was screaming at the guards earlier when they pointed out the scars and patches on her face. Perhaps bringing it up again will get her to talk about some things.”

“We…” Makoto stopped, shivering at the memory of Junko Enoshima’s corpse when they’d found it on the side of the road outside their old school. Patches missing from a bloodied, pulpy face, “We already know what happened. What more could you want her to talk about?”

“Maybe she knows where some of her classmates are.”

“The nurse freaked out when we mentioned her, maybe if we bring Mikan up to (Y/n), she’ll have a similar reaction,” the Ultimate Hope offered up.

Nodding, Kyoko turned towards the door into the interrogation room, “It’s worth a shot.”

~~

Five minutes was all they got, Makoto Naegi said. He was compassionate and understanding and so sweet. Of course, he’d set up a meeting between the lovers who didn’t know if they ever really loved each other.

Mikan was always unusually cold and smelled of lavender with a hint of vanilla, her hands were soft and her lips a lovely shade of pink.

Now, as (Y/n) held the nurse’s hand over the interrogation table and basked in her presence, she could feel how much she’d changed in despair. She was still cold but now she reeked of dirt and blood, no matter how many showers she’d taken. Her lips were much paler; dry and cracked. Hands rough and calloused.

“They told me you took her womb.”

“You took her face.”

“You’ll bear her children?”

“You’ll bear her beauty?”

It was always a fight. It was always a competition. For more. For love. For the affection and attention they’d been deprived of all their lives.

“Have you… tried conceiving?”

There was silence. Mikan looked down at the table and then back up at (Y/n).

Her skin was no longer peeling along the jagged incision sites but her scars were infecting when she’d been taken in and it was obvious. They were puffy and oozed every so often.

She looked back down.

“With who?”

Shaking her head, Mikan tightened her grip on the girl’s hand.

“Why didn’t you get me to do the skin graft?”

“You were probably busy.”

“I would’ve done it anyway. I’d done Fuyuhiko’s eye.”

There was more silence. Stiffness building in the girls’ bodies the longer their quietness buzzed in the room.

“Am I still beautiful…?” it was rare to see vulnerability in (Y/n).

“Almost like our beloved herself.” it was rare to hear a lie from Mikan.

It wasn’t the scars or the blood or the skin patches, it was the act of how she’d gotten them. Scars and patches didn’t make a person ugly, but stealing pieces of a dead woman’s face and using them as your own did.

[choicesenthusiast]

IDK if I've seen anyone else say this but the QB2 cover is genuinely so ugly? The poses are so stiff and the expressions are so offfff. The only one who turned out looking alright was Poppy which is a crime in itself

I mean i dont mind it, a lot of the choices covers are busted af. I just dont like the background bc what an uninspired shade of grey lol it doesnt fit the vibe even if i get what they were going for with the jail thing

[crusherthedoctor]

You know my least favorite argument against Forces' model? "It's too stiff and it lacks animation". That's not the fault of the model! Heroes and ShTH have the same models, but ShTH has much bouncier animation (maybe too much). Forces' model is HD enough that it would be possible to animate it with the same care as Unleashed's.

Also "short quills and lighter shade = they're trying to make it look like Classic" true, in a game with Classic Sonic it looks questionable, but if Classic wasn't there I bet more people would appreciate it. Strange that a brighter color wasn't a problem in Mania :V

I wonder what the reaction would be if they recycled 06's model (which I personally find ugly af, but hey if you like longer quills) :/

I only agree with the fact that it's odd that they're still using Forces' model less than a year away, but I am positive it's a placeholder, because in the CG footage Sonic looks much more like his Unleashed incarnation. I didn't even notice that was the Forces model, you see it for 3 seconds...

Yeah, I assumed from the start that it's likely a placeholder.

Speaking as someone who isn't feeling Frontiers so far (and not just because of Flynn's potential involvement), Sonic's model was the last thing on my mind.

[kidhawks]

Are there any character designs in bnha that make you slightly angry? You’re an artist so you know about this stuff. Is there any character that you see and you’re just like. What.

now this is a whole can of worms (heh) you don’t wanna open but here we are. i think hori’s designs are for the most part really inventive and unique but there are some that just..... what. why. no. but i’m not a professional like he is so i probably don’t have a leg to stand on... i’m gonna complain anyway

obvious answer: momo’s stupid titty window. not only is it sexualisation of a minor but it just wouldn’t work like, physically. and it’s impractical! i’m sure we’ve all heard this before though lol

no idea if i’m about to make enemies by saying this but bakugo’s grenade gauntlets incite rage in me. they’re a cool concept but holy fuck they’re so BIG, do they need to be that big? he’s like half grenade. they’re so cumbersome

on that note, uraraka’s boots are too big for my liking. her silhouette looks cool af but it’s not practical imo, plus the heels are just stupid

mineta’s ugly diaper

i’m definitely gonna make enemies for this but shouto’s design was so ridiculous to me at first. it’s like being slapped repeatedly in the face with “look! his power is half n half because HE’S half n half! heterochromia! split hair! scar! HALF N HALF” christ i get it ok he’s half n half

present mic’s voice box thing around his neck frustrates me bc it looks so clunky and restricting

invisible girl should not be naked. and if you’re just gonna give her gloves and boots at least make them a cool design not? normal boots with gloves that don’t even match them?? she regularly has to take her shoes off in battle and they’re LACE UPS????

spinner’s hair colour clashes so atrociously with the rest of his palette. he looks like one of those troll dolls

hawks should have tail feathers for flight :| also the way his wings are positioned on his back looks unnatural a lot of the time

nighteye’s overall design is missing something for me. i know he’s meant to seem like a stiff businessman you warm up to when you get to know him, but there’s nothing about his design that’s visually appealing to me, and visuals do play a part in warming a character to the audience... probably just me though

midnight’s costume isn’t even sexy it’s just weird..... i know she’d have better taste than that

all might’s true form. i get the point of the stylisation is to show how gaunt he is but i find parts of it jarring like his mouth and eyes with no whites. i remember i used to think he didn’t feel like he was drawn in the same style as deku

tokoyami’s human teeth make me want to bite someone

[bvckactually]

About your recent text post, I agree completely. I don’t like that Hollywood does that it’s such a cop out to me and lazy as hell when you could just hire actors who are actually of that representative group of the character in the show. And also tbh not trying to be mean but I feel like it’s pretty obvious that Eddie and Ana won’t last. I mean there’s so many reasons but I’ll just summarize it by saying it’s just pretty obvious to me at least. And there’s nothing wrong with Ana herself she seems nice and sweet but tbh she is just playing that ‘love interest’ role that characters play before Eddie or other characters like him meet their future partner or ‘the one’ - idk what else to call it - it’s like a trope or whatever her character is filling. Just ‘the love interest’ so she’s not as developed as she would be if she really was to be endgame with him. Not saying she would need hella screen time but we would just know more about her and she would seem much more three dimensional. And her scenes with Eddie are stiff and cringe af to me. And both are nice people but it’s just so painfully obvious to me. And maybe everyone else on the show but Eddie (and Anna obviously) already realizes this fact (that this won’t last and that she isn’t the one for him). Maybe this is his lesson that he rushed into it in an attempt to move on and he has to learn that you don’t need to rush into a relationship and try to make one work that just isn’t working. Because she’s not the one. And like you said I feel like he’s with her because he’s attracted to her of course but aside from all that, maybe he’s like oh this is exactly what I should be doing- my family would love her this is the kind of woman they want me to bring home and eventually welcome into the family if it gets to that point. But he’s missing out is that his happiness matters more than all of that and he needs to find someone in his own time and not someone that would check that box or whatever. Eddie obviously likes her and is attracted to her and she’s nice and all that but Idk I feel like this won’t last and it will be something he will reflect on. Maybe I’m reaching idk this is just my opinion. I’ve seen people get so upset by this but honestly this isn’t that serious it’s only an opinion and tbh it’s nothing against Eddie or Ana I love Eddie and Ana seems nice and I mean none of us know what Eddie thinks unless he says it so all of our thoughts about this topic are just guesses until confirmed or denied by Eddie in the show. This isn’t meant to be mean or start anything about anything because I’ve seen some people get upset by this opinion I’m just sharing an opinion

i love your take on this, nonnie! i see people get so upset when a part of the fandom dislikes/criticizes a character as if we’re not allowed to have our own opinions. maybe if they’ve tried to develop her more instead of showing her just as a one dimensional character, some people might feel more inclined to like her. but just like with ali, it’s like she was just thrown there to be a love interest and that doesn’t really scream endgame. and let’s not talk about how weird their chemistry is, like it’s really just not there. eddie is rushing into things right now, following bobby’s advice even if i feel like bobby’s advice was misleading. i don’t want eddie to get hurt again but he’ll probably come to his senses in a few weeks and realize that this is not what he wanted at all. it’s what other people wanted for him and he just followed them again instead of following his heart or some shit. and for some reason, this is probably an unpopular opinion, eddie doesn’t look as good with his scenes with her. it looks like everything is forced and i’m also talking about the way he is styled. during their date scene in her house, he was doing that biting thingie and it was so ugly compared to the one he did on 2x01. i feel like im not even making any sense here anymore lmao but yeah, i still firmly believe that they wouldn’t be endgame and she’s just gonna be temporary.

[marikaaajoy]

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

[markantonys]

I mean Daniel Sharman looks nothing like Lorenzo de Medici lol

well yeah but he’s a fantastic actor and captures the spirit of the character so well, and to me personally that’s way more important than being a good physical match to the real historical figure. i’ve never really gotten why people fuss about period drama actors not resembling the real person closely enough when it comes to historical figures so far in the past - for recent ones where we have millions of photos of them and their physical appearances are ingrained into the cultural consciousness, then sure it’s important for an actor to be a good physical match (like in the crown for example), but for people from the renaissance for whom we’ve just got a couple paintings and busts, if that? it’s not gonna bother me at all if they cast an actor who doesn’t resemble those paintings and busts (not to mention that every medici character is ugly af in their irl paintings so i’m Not mad that they made them all hot in the show jdfkg)

plus just look at what happens when you prioritize physical appearance over acting ability: matilda lutz is a great physical match for the real simonetta vespucci, but she's a very stiff and wooden actress and as a result her character was the one i cared least about in the whole season, and i would’ve preferred they cast a better actress even if it meant she looked less like the paintings