#that it'll all turn out fine
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i feel sick.
#i want my dad#i want my dad right fucking now#but that man is gone#i wish i was better#i wish i was good enough#because then none of the would have happened#and i'd still have my dad#i don't even know anymore#i just want someone to hold me#and tell me i'm okay#that it'll all turn out fine
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girl creature with a very wet head....
#mine#my face#selfies#hehe now i gotta stay like this for a few hours#partner cut my bangs! I wanted them slightly different/ miscommunication but oh well it'll turn out fine#and them being even makes future edits easier#anyways. need all the ringlets to dry without frizzing or scattering
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should i attend a risqué event
#31st january. in london. the week after my exams#event is free but i'd have to stay at a hostel#i could take the coach nice and early then enjoy the day there#make it a little trip#so even if i chicken out at the last minute it wouldn't have been a complete waste of time#maybe if i can bring alcohol it'll be alright#OUGHHHHHHHHHH#if it's in london nobody will know me#and if i mess up then i'll never have to see these people again#if i make just one acquaintance it would be worth it#and it's 18-25 so ... yay#need to get myself out there more#maybe this is just me at 11pm having crazy ideas but ive been known to decide to do things at worse hours and they've turned out okay#joined a muay thai class at 2am. that went great. i put myself down as 'interested' for redacted event at 11pm#that's fine#this is fine#all is well my life is going great#not feeling unstable at all#😬😬😬
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the way i put on my big girl pants by channeling my inner syb (woman who is fine with, and in fact prefers making phone calls to sort things out) is lowkey embarrassing but also like...thank god i have her to lean on lmao
#me: *holding my phone and trembling* but what do i /say/?#syb: here's what you're gonna do. you're gonna tell them the issue. you're gonna listen to them propose a way to fix it....#...you're gonna do what they say and it'll all turn out /fine/#anyway. pray for me. i need to call my landlord during my lunch break in an hour
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you’re reading fourth wing . . . oh my goodness good luck soldier i hope you’ll be able to get though it with your sanity intact . . . let’s hope you still like dragons after this
Everyone keeps saying "goodluck" or "godspeed." have faith, soldier, in my love for the trenches.
i've braved dastardly pits before and I'll brave them again 🫡
#quil's queries#nonsie#i think it'll be fine#also my love for dragons knows no bounds one dragon book wont change that. i got through h0arded by the dragon just fine <3#though that wasn't even really a book about dragons. that was just double dick breeding smut#i think it'll turn out to be like. a mid na fantasy. maybe some questionable choices or moments#but overall just solidly mediocre. and perhaps even in a fun way!#but also open to being wrong in either direction. open mind#this isn't like my reading bad books on purpose thing this one is#goddamn there's a lot of talk both ways I want to know what's going on first hand#but don't worry guys. i do have another bad book lined up#don't know when I'll read but I've heard bad things and i'll tell you all about it <3#it's just. a long one. so it'll be a little bit more of a commitment
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silly tempo doodles [ft. one funky churro fumo] mostly because i felt like it
also hopefully if nothing comes up today, i can start the silly vrchat session tonight! [around 7-8pm est, i'll make a post when im about to hop on or when i am on :D] if not i can move it to next week if people need more time to prepare because i do know it was a bit out of nowhere but if everyone's ready, i can do it tonight! :D [do note i do use an oculus quest so i might not see pc avatars or worlds!! if anyone has an avatar they wanna port to quest, i can gladly provide a tutorial that helped me with getting the tempo avatar quest compatible!]
here's a list of the games i planned out! this is due to change, and i'm willing to take suggestions for new games too! [so long as they're quest and pc compatible! and, well, for people of all ages too of course]
#phione's art funnies#harmoknight#phione's reblogs#phione's gaming rambles#i know people have been wondering when the vrc session is gonna be so here you go!!#again if not today then maybe tomorrow or next week since i have the week off#also i might be bringing one or two friends along since this is gonna be my first time actually interacting with harmoknight tumblr#and i can be really nervous at times so!! they're here to help me not combust into flames because god i hate anxiety#hopefully everything turns out fine!!#but uhhh yeah#vrc session hopefully tonight around 7-8pm est#thankfully joshuq being the guy ever has uploaded some harmoknight worlds so that'll be the meeting spot!#it'll most likely be the title screen one since i think that makes the most sense#but yeah!! this is the schedule we're rolling with! if anything comes up i'll let you all know asap!
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It *does* hurt that I got let go without any warning (even if I knew it was a possibility, especially since it's the slow season now and they're specifically replacing half of my department with other stuff) *because* I've been looking for other jobs with the plan to do a full two-weeks notice when I found one, and I've been secretly planning this entire time to eventually leave, making things as neat and easy as possible for whoever ends up overseeing my department. I didn't want any of the extra work to fall on my coworkers, the other department managers who have their own workloads. So it really sucks that higher-ups decided that I didn't deserve any warning, and neither did any of my teammates who will now have to pick up all the slack without any guidance from me.
#sorenhoots#it's fine. its fine! its just a liquor store.#stop worrying so much about it please brain PLEASE its fine. they're fine.#its fine it's fine its fine its just a liquor store.#yeah no one will care about my cusotmers and the store wont know to order the special orders anymore but its fine.#the customers will find their alcohol somewhere else or theyll find something different or just give up. it's fine. its just alcohol.#literally worst case scenario is that a customer cant get their favorite wine anymore which is FINE its not the end of the world#i know i put my heart into it and now i feel a little crushed but its fine... it'll be fine. i always knew it was a possibility.#wine departments are always the lowest income. beer and spirits always do better. wine departments always get the first budget cuts.#thats why they never actually gave me a manager salary or health insurance. they didnt want a wine manager. they just needed one until the#holiday season ended. my coworkers will be fine without me.#all the Chardonnay Bob stupidly bought will go on sale in 4-6 years or get thrown away in 8-10 and itll be FINE 💜 its not a big deal.#its not like i stopped Bob from wasting their money anyways. its not like i could. what good is a manager who cant even keep some stupid#fucker from wasting their money on shit thats going to gather dust for a decade and then get thrown out? maybe itll be liquidated if they#decide to stop carrying wine entirely. i couldnt even do my job because they put some idiot in a position above me who fucked up my shit all#the time so why wouldnt they get rid of me?#its fine its fine its fine its fine. ill be fine of course! there are other jobs here actually. ive been looking for a better job for a#while now and turned down some half-decent offers because i had a 3/4th decent job at the time. ill just pick one of the 1/2 decent ones now#and keep looking for something better too. im going to get back into science...!! thats what i really want.#im going to go back to the field i love. itll hurt even worse when the jobs are cruel and stupid but...i dont want anything else.#if im going to be subjected to the stupid-ass system of capitalism and heartless employers then im going to do it in science where i have a#deep and burning passion. ill...just need to try to thicken my skin to the inenvitable horrors of labor and being treated as a machine that#makes a CEO richer. but if im stuck spending my life making a CEO richer then i might as well try to find something i enjoy.
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i want to apologize for my earlier post and thank you guys for the kind comments. it really does mean a lot to me and made me feel a bit better <3
and to be transparent without getting too personal, i'm struggling with some things at home which are heavily affecting me emotionally and thus mentally. not every single day is bad, and it will eventually get better. right now it's just rough, and when things are this kind of rough, i tend to get into a state of " consuming to distract myself " vs. creating. watching a show or playing a game is infinitely more distracting than trying to think over my own thoughts. so if i flake out on being here and writing, that's why. i don't like that it happens and i'm sorry that it does, but i hope you all understand.
i honestly get embarrassed when i'm emotional/affected enough to make posts about it, but i wanted to just address what's been going on bc i worry my absence and silence will come off as a lack of interest or care. no one can understand me if i don't talk, right? but this is the most and the last i want to talk about it for now bc it's a personal matter that makes me uncomfortable to share. my feelings about it are complicated. again, i hope you understand.
finally, thank you for sticking with me despite how sporadic my activity has been. from the bottom of my heart, thank you to anyone who has ever left a kind message or comment for me to come back to. i can't say enough how much i appreciate you all <3
#i feel like an exposed nerve and disconnected from myself all at once so i'm going to maybe#continue to be elsewhere for the night#but i feel better than i did earlier and i'll be okay#i don't want anyone to worry about me so please know that i really will be okay#i just need time#the situation itself needs time#it'll turn out fine#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw negative#just in case
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#tw vent#ew yucky vent lmaoo#Love waking up in the morning to my dad#drunk#being accused of things making cry 5 times and hyperventilating when he hells at me for#crying#and saying should be grateful I have a dad#also love how he admitted to me he was shit#i defended him#he told me to stop and he could tell i was lying and that i hate him ( i dont) then later hes said the same thing#(didnt defend him that time) and he got super mad at me for not defending him and called me a bad daughter#he told me he could change if he wanted to but he doesn’t think there's anything to change#he's literally such a narcissistic it's insane#that day was wild#cried 6 times had a panic attack and relapsed after month crazy ass day#what do you mean you could've took me away to Albania without my mother and raised me like a Hitler but you didn’t because you're a good da#he was fine the next day though so idek i feel like i can't complain i feel like such a baby#he's like all you need to raise kids with is love i don't do anything for you guys (me and my brother) i don't know anything about you guys#but i loved you and look how you turned out! (my mother's doing love her shes the best) but also like saying u love me and then yelling at#me and mot caring about my life or putting in effort for me has given me a fucked up idea of what love is#and i also have no idea how to differentiate a good person and a bad person#so thats great lmaoo#i have hope though my mom is amazing a he's not that bad tbh he's gonna give me a really messed up view of trust ik cause i already have it#but it's okay lol I'll fix it all and it'll all be fine I'm still young and optimistic#forgot this also not to shit talk but why are you threatening your daughter if she breaks up you and your girlfriend?? when shes hasn't#done anything to indicate that she wants that in any way? why is it my job to save the relationship you messed up 💀#anyway bye lol peace :3
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Every once in a billion years I suddenly get very lucky and pick up one band merch delivery on one day, and then get another band merch delivery from another band on the very next day
#let's fucking gooooooo#once i'm less preoccupied with this art challenge#(((((that is starting to make less and less sense to keep going with day by day#but i guess i'm going to continue with it anyway more out of stubbornness than anything else#and it would be lame to stop now when i alredy have most of the ideas ready in some form#and the means to finish all this stuff as long as i stop being annoying about it and overthinking everything#and because i can only feel semi-normal when i don't feel like i'm wasting my life away and i'm instead making any sort of thing#since literally nothing else is helping me feel not awful at this point#it'll be fine as long as i don't think about it and instead devote as much time as possible to another thing. anyway !!!!!!!!!)))))#i'm going to have so much fun with the self-titled tmbg album puzzle#literally perfect album cover picture for a puzzle i'm so glad this got made#and i loooove the propaganda t-shirt!! :3#i'm already assembling my london trip wardrobe and it's going to be most of the t-shirts being band t-shirts at this rate#maybe i should really turn that 'born to die' drawing into a t-shirt too. perfect time to do that#goosepost
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look at this brown butter. she's luscious
#making cookies. i hope they turn out this time#i've wanted to get on the hype train for bb cookies so bad but both times i've made them in the past they're soooo greasy#looking back i think it's because i did not let the butter cool before mixing in everything else. like duh of course it was going to end up#greasy and flat#this time i waited until it was completely cool and the dough looked normal so i'm hoping the cookies will turn out#i even went to bulk barn and got chocolate wafers to be all Fancy#me and brown butter have a complicated history. both times i did it in the past i don't think i browned it enough#this time i made sure it got to that deep brown color before i took it off the heat#but then i started panicking like omg what if i overdid it 😭#it's fine it'll be fine. it smelled amazing and not at all burnt
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booktok drama made it to twitter bc someone uploaded a video of young woman who complained about s*x of c*row*s bc her followers rec'd it to her and yes, she only reads romance. and she found this particular book difficult to read bc of the font size but everyone took it to mean shes stupid. no, she doesn't like fantasy. let alone YA fantasy. and now everyone on twitter is like 'i cant believe she dnf'd this book'. so what. she only likes romance. that's her account and her business. ppl taking it so personally she didnt like or finish a YA fantasy. get a life.
#and she complained bc everyone told her 'it'll all make sense in the next series' and she was like 'why do i have to wait for 3 more books#--for it all to make sense??'#and shes right!!!#i hate when things are turned into a series#she has her preferences. she tried something new and it didnt work out.#also i dont think english is her first language despite her account being english speaking#so that's even meaner to be calling her stupid for not understanding some of the words that the author made up#i think she's doing fine but ppl are stiching her video or quote tweeting and being mean to her#just bc she didnt like some nerd fantasy shit that was written like 10 years ago#its not like she insulted lord of the rings#(even tho thats shits boring too)
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trying to add a scene into an old chap bc a specific plot thread has been bothering me for a while now but ITS SO HARD TO CHANGE SOMETHING THATS ALREADY PUBLISHED WITHOUT ENTIRELY REWRITING. my editing style is quite literally "if sucks, rewrite from scratch" which isnt useful rn. pain and suffering for ten thousand years
#tteote ch28 is gonna gain a scene fyi#just because. okay wait loredrop#tteote used to be one fic#that was gonna be like . 100k#then i had more ideas and i was like ok 200kish super long fic sounds good#then i wrote the “100k” bit and it ended up 200k#and i was like oh shit okay right i gotta make this two fics#which is fine bc the “100k” bit ends quite nicely as its own thing (this mission specifically#vs The Bigger War is a good way to divide it)#BUT THAT MEANS#that some ominous character interactions#will not be resolved in this fic#like you wont find out what i hinted at until next fic#and thats probably like a year away bc i gotta actually write it lol#so ive gotta have those characters turn up again or it'll just looklike a loose end i abandoned for no reason. if that makes sense#the more i think abt it the more annoyed i am that theyre two fics because some of the tiny minor side characters in tteote#get fun roles in fic 2#bUT i cant recombine them bc the ending works so well now#so you'll all have to be patient#sorry for that LONG ASS CONTEXT RAMBLE#but yea im adding kaneko back into ch28 bc i made him sooo ominous then just abandoned him#so. that'll drop along with ch32#im hoping#wish me luck#tteote
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Trying to ignore the fact that everyone and their grandmas are at ruisrock except for me 🥲 not that I'd have the money or the spoons to be there but the fomo is through the roof rn
#repeatedly telling myself that I'm seeing my clowns next week I'm seeing K next week it'll be fine it'll be my turn soon#but 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i hope everyone has a great time at ruissi pls stay safe with the crazy winds and all take care of yourself and each other ❤️#knowing that there will be so much material coming out from ruissi also helps like I'll be watching videos and looking at pics all night 🥲
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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I have discovered the best lentil salad recipe, I'm so happy right now
#my post#text post#every time i find a New Food it's very exciting#i had it for dinner last night and then tonight i had the leftovers and dressed it slightly differently and it was even better#i'm going to make this all the time#the only thing was it required the zest of two lemons which. super annoying to zest two whole lemons for two meals worth of food#but i think you can buy dried lemon zest and if the store bought stuff is comparable then it'll be fine and it'll enter the regular rotatio#cooking adventures#turns out salads are delicious if you put things that taste good in them. who knew.
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