#that interview where they were like ‘hey michael why are you dating a woman your daughter’s age and haha reacting autists’

[cloud-based-and-rainpilled]

People will do backflips to avoid giggling at the obvious and still pretend they’re part of ✨ the cause ✨ lmao, it’s giving And they were roommates

It never ceases to amaze me that despite everything Michael and David have been doing for the last five years and Neil himself saying they are in love, people are still assuming (or just not wanting to believe) that two middle-aged men might possibly love each other in a non-platonic way...

[tomboy-writer]

Prompt: Chris Evans story where your boyfriend is a cheating douche-bag. He cheats on you time and time again and you get into a bit of a depression. You confide in your best friend, Chris Evans. His consoling leads to sex, the sex soon turns into a regular thing and you get happy again. Your boyfriend sees your change and promises that he will never cheat again and that he will treat you better. You’re happy but sad at the same time because now you have to break things off with Chris. But Chris won’t have it; he says that you should stay with him and not your boyfriend. You’re not sure of which decision to make, so Chris lists off reasons why you would be better off with him.

Chris Evans x black!reader

A/N: my first Chris Evans story!! Let me know what you guys think of it.

A/N 2: I started this story a few years ago and it took me a long time to finish cause I was on a very long writing hiatus and didn't finish this until earlier this year, so some of the story goes off of what the summary says and I decided to turn this into 2 parts (could be more, depending on how long the 2nd part is). So no smut in this part, just angst and dumb jokes. This also originally wasn't going to be a black reader story, but seeing how my ACTUAL 1st Chris Evans story went pretty well (the Game On story) I decided to make it another one cause I love it.

C/W: angst, swearing, my dumb jokes, 3rd person story (it hurt my brain to write it this way, but I wanted to try something different)

“He did it again, Chris! Michael cheated on me with some big titted chick,” Y/N said as she sobbed into her best friend’s shoulder.

Chris rubbed his friend’s back, trying to calm her down. He knew how to handle situations like these since Y/N went through so many of them with her boyfriend. Chris thought her relationship with Michael was like a broken record: always repeating itself. It was good at first with the couple being so obviously in love, but that changed six months later when Michael decided that Y/N wasn’t enough and started to cheat on her with multiple women. Y/N had been given advice by Chris countless times about guys like Michael and she listened to him, she really did. But she always ended up forgiving her unfaithful boyfriend and enjoyed the makeup sex that Michael would give her after.

“He and that big titted chick can both go to hell for all I care,” Chris replied. Then he lifted his friend’s head from his shoulder and made her look directly in his eyes. “Hey hon,” he said using his ‘friendly’ nickname for Y/N. “I think it’s about time you dropped that lame ass zero and got yourself a hero.”

“Okay, Captain America,” Y/N chuckled while wiping her face.

Chris laughed too, but deep down he was really hoping that Y/N would actually consider dating him. They met seven years ago and became fast friends. But the bearded actor didn’t count on falling for Y/N a few years later when he was doing an interview for one of his new movies and Y/N was there to help support him and make sure his anxiety didn’t get the best of him. While in the middle of the interview, Chris started to feel a little fidgety, so he tugged on his ear; a sign that told Y/N that he needed her help. She was standing right behind the cameraman, so Y/N could see everything that Chris was doing. She saw the signal and started to make some weird faces for her best friend.

Y/N made Chris and the interviewer crack up that day, especially when she stood right behind the cameraman and started to bulge her eyes out at him, making him laugh as well. At that moment, Chris realized that he had found that special someone. That special someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with and just keep forever, never let go. 

Y/N was sweet, considerate and loved Disney movies and dogs as much as he did. So he felt that she was just perfect for him. He even started to mentally kick his ass for taking so long to realize this.

The interviewer asked Chris one last question before he had to leave.

“So, Chris, is there a special lady in your life? Ya know, besides your mother and sisters,” she asked.

Chris chuckled and looked right in Y/N’s direction with a bright smile on his face. “Well, I don’t have anyone yet,” the blonde answered, his eyes never leaving Y/N’s, “but I’m looking for her.”

“Chris? Chris, did you hear me,” Y/N asked suddenly, stopping Chris from remembering the day he fell for her.

Evans shook his head no. “Sorry, I zoned out for a few seconds.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “I said I would love to find a new boyfriend, but I’m still in love with Michael.” Chris rolled his eyes this time. “Don’t do that, man. I can’t help that these are my feelings for him.”

“But what are your feelings for him right now! Aren’t you sad? Pissed? Or feeling like you just wanna punch that douche-bag in the face so hard that his face caves in a little bit?”

Chris’s friend nodded her head yes and started to sob again. He felt bad for making Y/N cry; he would never want to make her tears fall from her eyes unless they were tears of joy. He grabbed Y/N and embraced her for a few minutes until she was calm again. Once was she was, Chris pulled away from Y/N enough to look her in her eyes.

“Hey, promise me that you’ll forget about that douche for at least two weeks and just try to find someone better. Okay?” Chris begged with sincerity in his eyes. 

“Okay,” I promise,” Y/N complied.

Chris kissed Y/N’s head and, after saying goodbye, left his friend’s house for the night.

           * * *

Chris returned to Y/N’s house a few weeks later. He rung the doorbell and heard a faint ‘it’s open’. Evans opened and closed the door behind him and blushed at the sight in front of him: there stood Y/N, wearing only a pair of boy shorts and an over sized t-shirt, no makeup. That’s when Chris thought, no knew, that Y/N was the most beautiful woman out there.

"Hi Chris," Y/N greeted her best friend with a warm hug and a kiss on his cheek. Evans couldn't help the blush that crept onto his face. He also couldn't help but to imagine if he and Y/N were together and he'd come home from being on set all day long, her greeting him the same way she was now except that she'd try to pull back a little to ask him about his day. But Chris would hold his lover in a tight embrace, kiss her so lovingly, so passionately, and ask about her day instead.

Yeah, Christopher Robert [Jamal] Evans would love that.

"Hey, Y/N," Chris replied as he breathed in the embrace. "How've you been lately?"

"A little bit better; not fully okay, but I'm getting there I think," Y/N answered.

Chris shook his head in disbelief. He knew when his best friend was lying to him. "Y/N," he whispered, "I can see in your eyes that you're hurting more than letting on. You sure you're doing fine?"

Y/N's smile was quickly replaced with a small frown. "I'm doin' fine, Evans," she answered, mocking Chris's Boston accent. "And, before you ask, yes I have went on a few dates with other guys; three to be exact. First guy wouldn't shut up about his ex-wife; like I was supposed to be his therapist or something. Second guy -this gorgeous dreadhead- we connected and shit, but he too wouldn't stop talking about his ex and his table manners were terrible." You rolled your eyes before finishing your list. "Last but not least, I went on date with Mr. I-Got-Tons-of-Money-Baby. We didn't connect at all and I'm sure it was cause of his cocky attitude and the way he talked down to people -it was disgusting! " The dateless woman flounced into her big living room and plopped down onto her L-shaped sofa. "Trying to find a new man is pointless, Chris. Either I start dating women cause why the fuck not!? Or I just give up on love all together."

Chris chuckled but then nervously cleared his throat after he came up with a great -but what he also thought was a heart attack inducing- idea. "Y/N," he stammered.

"Yeah, man?"

"If the whole thing with you dating females doesn't work out, but you still want to try to find love, then I know exactly who you should date next."

Y/N gave Chris a questionable look. He didn't say anything back, just raised an eyebrow and grinned mischievously. It took Y/N a few seconds to understand what Chris was talking about. But once she did, her mouth went into an O shape, showing her shock and surprise.

"Are you serious, Evans," Y/N exclaimed; eyes now wide as golf balls. "You wanna date me!?!"

The actor chuckled. He didn't think that his friend would be so shocked by his words. "I've been wanting to date you basically almost ever since we first met, Y/N. I just- -I just never knew what to say to you about it, or if you felt the same way or not and if you didn't then I didn't want to ruin our friendship, or if you did feel the dame way but then something bad happens to us down the road and then that messes with up our friendship and then there's the thing with paparazzi..." Chris was rambling on and on but Y/N was listening to everything he was saying. Hanging onto every word that was coming out of her best friend's mouth.

Y/N had never known that Chris had felt this way about her. It wasn't that she was completely oblivious (well, maybe a little), but she also never saw any signs of her friend being in love with her. Wait. Was Chris in love with Y/N? As far as she knew -or as far as she thought from what she was told so far- this was just a crush. A crush confession that apparently was a long time coming. She wondered how she felt for Chris; did she have the same feelings for him like he did for her? When they first met, all Y/N cared about was how Chris acted as a person, not as Captain America or as an actor in general. But as Chris Evans, an everyday man. Y/N knew, after that one day of meeting Evans, that she wanted to be best friends with the man, nothing more and nothing less. But now, with Chris' confession and continuous ramblings, Y/N was having different and a little bit confusing thoughts.

Sure Chris Evans is an very attractive man, physically speaking. But Y/N doesn't care about looks -much- when it comes to dating or anything for that matter. She thinks what makes people attractive is their personality more than anything, and she knows Chris has the best personality she's ever seen from a person. But she wasn't sure if she was ready to date him or anyone else for that matter. Although, if Y/N was going to date more, then Chris would probably be her number one pick.

"So, what do you say, Y/N," Chris asked, hopeful.

______________________________________________________________

And that's the end of part 1, everyone. Part 2 will be posted....probably next week or so. It is currently one of my WIPs so I'm definitely working on it.

But what do ya'll think will happen next? What will Y/N's answer to Chris be? Will she say yes, or will she say no? Who knows??? Except for me; I know. Also, you're Y/N; Y/N is you, so you better hope that you say something positive back :P Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this! Thanks for reading!!

[maybecoolwords]

A Little Tension.. part 2

Pairing: Michael B Jordan x Actress!reader

Word count : 1417

Summary : This is the aftermath of Y/N’s little incident …

A/N : Thank you so much to everyone who read the first part, and since a lot of people liked it I decided to try and write a second part..Hopefully you guys enjoy this one, and i am open for requests if you have any.. GIF IS NOT MINE.

PART 1

“.. Well, that took an unexpected turn !”Those words were the host’s desperate way to break the tension between his two guests. At thankfully, they were enough to pull you and Michael from the staring contest you two found yourselves in. In your embarrassed state, you looked down at your high heeled shoes trying to, not only hide your face from the hysterically laughing audience but also to get over how crazy the butterflies in your stomach feel right now. And as cliché as it sounds, you couldn’t stop your brain from playing and replaying his exact words to you … Just to see you ..

In all honesty, you don’t really remember how that interview finished, or how you got back on your vanity chair in the first place. You are still so lost in your head, dreaming about him and the way he bites his bottom lip when he’s concentrating (and silently wishing you could do that for him), and about how his eyes would stare at yours every once in a while, with that beautiful smirk on his lips that made you lose your mind and - ughh, why can’t I just stop thinking about him?

You were just about to pull yourself away from some unholy thoughts that started roaming your head when your assistant spoke up: “ It’s seven o’clock, and fortunately you don’t have anything else programmed for the remaining of the day, so why don’t you just-“

“When the hell did you get here ?” You asked looking at her like she just appeared out of nowhere. Which to you, she technically did.

“Like 10 minutes ago? Wait –“ And then it dawned on her. “Were you seriously dreaming about Micheal B Jordan a few seconds ago ?” She asked with a grin tugging at her lips, and you just KNOW she’s about to tease the hell out of you if you answer that question.

“Like you were not..” You said, doing your best to act as nonchalant about the conversation as you could.

“Touché, I mean he did look hotter in person than he does in pictures and movies..” She said, folding her hands together while at the same time trying not to laugh at your frustrated state.

“Girl he’s my crush not yours !” You scolded her in a defensive kind of way before she started to really laugh at your whiny expression.

“As much fun as I wanna have with annoying you right now, I have to unfortunately leave. There’s a baby daddy waiting for me at home.” Your assistant and undebatably close friend said while she started packing her stuff back in her bag.

“You going home ?” You asked with the most innocent and baby-like pout you could muster at that moment.

“Oh don’t try to pull that on me Y/N, you know it won’t work-” Before she could start resisting your extremely irresistible expression, a knock sounded throughout your temporary dressing room. “Ooh, I think I know who that might be.” Your assistant added as she headed to open the door.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You answered as you turned around to face your mirror just in time to check if your makeup is still intact.

To be honest, you tried your best to act as apathetic about the situation as you could, but, the moment you heard his voice, and saw his reflection through the mirror, you just couldn’t help the charming smile that displayed on your lips, especially when he, on instinct, started to head towards where you stood.

Your assistant just stood there, dumbfounded, with her hand still on the door knob impatiently watching how the dramatic scene in front of her unfolds. It was when you coughed in order to get her attention and to silently ask her to leave that she understands the hidden message and starts to gather her stuff back in her bag.

“I’m gonna leave now ..” She said, while making sure she has her phone, jacket and car keys on her, and in the same time, not really expecting an answer from either one of you.

You were still facing the mirror on your vanity, and in the most ridiculous moment, your thoughts started to parkour in your brain. So many ways that you could start an actual conversation with your celebrity crush but none of them seemed proper enough for the situation. Should you apologize for being out of line during the interview? Or should you just lie and act like all you said was just for the sake of making tonight’s interview interesting? You just couldn’t figure it out-

“Are you gonna turn around and talk to me like a normal person would, or would you rather keep checking me out through that mirror you got there?”

“I was NOT checking you out!” You answered with a sharp inhale as you finally turned around and got a good look at him and God, your assistant was right, he does look hotter in person..

He let out a little laugh at your frustrated look as he decided to get a little more closer  to you – two steps closer to be exact - but still far.

“Look,-” you started, “I wanna start off by apologizing for being completely over the line during the interview. And I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable in any way shape or form. And clearly I was not thinking professionally when I said what I said, you know?”

“Uhuh-” he answered, with his eyes locked on yours, and a teasing grin on his lips, just admiring how you could ramble forever, apparently, when you get embarrassed.

“I mean, I was just so star struck with how handsome and sweet, and..and respectful you are that I just couldn’t control my own mouth, and I know it’s not a good enough excuse right ?”

“Sure..” he added, still just looking at you, sneakily getting closer to where you stood, and letting you express yourself as freely as you can, because obviously, ain’t nothing stopping you from that right now.

With a little giggle you unintentionally added: “I’m just thankful I didn’t say I like you so much on live T.V.”

“I think you already did that sweetheart.” He said with a little chuckle, after he decided that it was finally time to get your attention back on him.

“Did what?” You asked in a dumbfounded way, just now realising how close he is to you.

“You might’ve not said it, but I’m pretty sure people are smart enough to figure out your little crush.”

“Oh my God!-” You said as you lifted your hand to hide your mouth. “-Did I say that out loud?” You asked him with embarrassment and a little bit of confusion littered all over your face.

“Just like you unintentionally said that I’m hotter in person than I look to be in pictures and movies..” He answered as he watched you literally bang your head on his chest in your best attempt to hide from him, and your embarrassment could not have been more evident.

“Hey, heey-” He started in his best attempt to make you feel less embarrassed, as he tried to lift your chin with his index and middle fingers, which, to his luck, worked in bringing your eyes to look at his. “-It’s okay. As a normal human being would, I actually love it when a woman I like says that  she likes me back.”

“Even if it happened on live T.V. ?” You asked before fully processing his words.

“Even if it happened on live T.V.” He chuckled.

It just dawned on you then that -“Wait, did you just say that you like me?” You asked in a hopeful tone with that same charming smile that wowed him when he first saw you.

He then felt confident enough to pull you even closer to him when he realised that your eyes keep going to his lips, and then put one of his hands on your hips when yours went instinctively on his chest, and let his other hand go to your face to get some of your hairs away from it.

But just as you parted your lips to brace yourself for what you think is your first kiss with him, he conveniently reaches for your ear and whispers: “How about a date first darling ?..”

[ava-jones]

Practice Challenge. Part 1

“Fuck him! Fuck his shitty new album! Fuck his ‘playboy’ reputation! I’m not going to lie about my life to fix a shitty situation he put himself in!” Ava screamed in the hallway a few feet down from her agents office. 

“Babe it’s not like I’m asking you to get married. Just go on a few photo-opt dates, then after Ethan’s album has been out for a few months you can quietly call it off.” Carolyn, the publicist being berated, argued. 

“That’s exactly the problem! It’s not like he’s some dude I’m actually interested in long term. I. don’t. Like. lying.” Ava huffed and leaned against the wall crossing her arms and glaring at Carolyn. 

“Don’t think of it as lying just as acting.” She tried to purswade. 

Ava just glared and chewed on the inside of her cheek as she tried to find some way to get out of this. 

“Common Ava, remember what I said to you when you were a kid, ‘sometimes you have to bend a little.’” She pressured. 

“Bend a little! I moved to Angeles! I changed my name! I rewrote Heart Full of Scars! I did your playboy magazine! I’ve done every single thing that you’ve told me too!” She screamed now getting some looks from other agents. One of them would likely let this outburst slip out soon, another ‘snobby two throwing a tantrum’ she could already see the headlines “Has Ava Jones gotten too used to the rich life? Illeans sweetheart has rotted.’ Probably something shorter but that was why Ava was not a journalist.

“You absolutely have not! You turned down the chance to speak with Scooter Burnt on his show! You barely got to the playboy thing and I had to convince you for days before you’d go! You’ve refused modeling opportunities and went against me and released ‘Do You’!” 

“And it fucking slaps! It got us 65.2 million views within 24 hours! Sometimes you’re wrong!” She yelled and turned to leave. 

“Where are you going?” Carolyn asked, running after her. 

“Home.” She huffed and put her hands in her pockets turning to take the stairs out. 

“Angeles or Sumner?” 

“Sumner!” She yelled back as Carolyn started falling behind. 

“For how long?” 

“Till you get me out of this mess!” She yelled back, turning the corner to the front door of her agents studio. Suddenly he bombarded her. 

“Please wait! Ava!” Ethan yelled chasing after her before grabbing her arm. 

She spun on him, “What! You tricked me into thinking we were friends then told the press I slept with you, why do you think I should give you another second of my time?” 

“Don’t you want to?” He asked with a raised eyebrow more than a little to calm for Ava’s anger.

“To what?” She asked, genuinely confused.

“Sleep with me?” 

Suddenly, Ethan wasn’t smiling anymore, in fact he was on the ground, a red slap mark across his face, security moving to stop Ava but hesitating, they wouldn't want to hurt Illea’s darling. 

“You whore!” Ethan yelled and lunged at her, the guards were much less hesitant with him. After all he was a has-been lunging at a will-always-be. Suddenly the door to the building swung open, the guards stopped, Ethan stood quickly and wrapped a hand around Ava’s waist. As much as she wanted to shove him off and make the sides of his face symmetrical she didn’t want to deal with even more bad press.  

He leaned down to her ear, “behave or I will fucking destroy you.” he whispered. 

“Yeah right, like you can.” She grumbled back through gritted teeth as a paparazzi tried to act hidden, wandering around like he was looking for a room as he held a camera close to his body, attempting to keep it under his bag. 

“Calm down, sweetheart. You’re the one escalating this.” He whispered as they shuffled together to the door trying to make their way out to their private parking deck. Ava quickly scanned her ID for the building and they slipped out of sight. 

As soon as the door closed behind them she shoved him off and down to the ground, “Never touch me again. I’m not the one escalating this, you’re the one who told the press I was ‘cute’ in bed, what the hell does that even mean? I am reacting. I am allowed to react to you being the shittiest person alive,” She rushed to her car and pulled away. 

She was never supposed to drive herself, just like she wasn’t supposed to hit other celebrities, or yell in hallways, or put up a fight. But lately she was feeling so tired. 

She pulled into an empty church parking lot and sat there for a moment, the air conditioning on as cold as possible, and she almost let it out. She almost let her lips quiver, she almost felt her tears pouring over, she almost called her Carolyn and pleaded for ‘out’. Out of singing, out of performances, out of autographs, out of stalkers, out of lies, out of men thinking that because she is a she in a position of power they can take it from her. Out of letting them. 

But, she didn't. She held onto her steering wheel, she popped open her glove compartment and took out a small cigarette box. Of course she would never risk hurting her voice. Instead inside was a picture of herself as a young girl with a boy. The two of them were about thirteen, they were having a picnic on a farm, drinking sparkling apple juice out of two champagne flutes, feeling so adult. Inside there was a small swatch of fabric. She held it closed and breathed it in, and the warmth took over and she was okay. 

She picked up her phone and called one of her top numbers, “Hey Ms. Rosado! I’m coming home for a while tonight. Do you mind if I swing by the house?” 

“Of course not! You know you’re welcome any time, baby.” The now elderly woman eased. 

****************************************************************

Sumner was always Ava’s heaven. It’s where she wasn’t Ava Jones at all. She was Avery Jacoby. Her family was from very rural Sumner. There were about 800 people in her town, mostly fours and lower. Her family had been fours for years until she bought their way into the two castes. The Rosado’s were a family of sevens who worked on their poultry farm. Angeles was loud, full of screaming cars, and people. All she had to hear at home was the chickens and cows. She pulled up on the dirt road which led not to her house, but to the Rosados. It had been un-lived in for the last six years. 

Untouched, Ms. Rosado couldn’t be in it anymore so she had moved in with Ava’s family. She couldn’t stand the silence, where her little boy had once run around with Ava, playing monsters vs heroes. Hearing Michael play guitar along with Ava’s singing. It made her think of his body, falling to the ground, the final seizure taking him at fifteen, it lasted for eight minutes before he passed on. 

Ava laid down in his childhood bed. Her best friend, her soul mate's bed. His smell surrounded her as she looked up at the stars painted on his ceiling, “Mike.” She called out softly covering her eyes with her arm. She knew he couldn't see her. She didn’t believe in all that “they’re watching from above shit. Why would he waste his time in heaven on that. 

“I don’t want this anymore.” She breathed out. 

“But I’m not giving up on us. We said it, we were gonna make it one day, you’re the asshole who made me promise I wouldn’t give up no matter what. Well now what? I’ve made it I think, but there always seems to be more to do. When is it enough? I need you to tell me. Why were you so shitty with your deathbed wishes. What does it even mean? Make it to your debut album? Check. Make it to your first sold out concert? Check! Have billions of fans worldwide? Done and done. But now what do you want me to become a triple threat take on acting and modeling? Do you want me to keep performing? I did all this for you after all! Pretty rude of you to leave me hanging here!” 

“Well do you still like singing?” She shot up at the response. Not from some magical ghost but from her younger sister, Katy.

“What are you doing here?” She asked defensively about her sister's eavesdropping. 

“Aitana said you were stopping by. I figured you needed saving before you turned into-” she paused and gestured to her sister, a crying mess in a child’s bed, “-that.” 

She paused for a moment and sat down next to her, “you know, we’d never want for money again. You’ve made enough for us and ms. Rosado to live like kings for the rest of our lives. Probably your kids too and grandkids. You don’t have to keep doing this, that is, if you don’t like it.” 

Ava sighed looking back up to the painted night sky, “I love singing, I’ll always love singing.” She mumbled. 

“But?”

“But, I hate the performing, I hate being watched, I hate being told who to date, who to talk to, what to wear, what I’m permitted to eat, how much to work out, scripted for in interviews.” 

Katy made a dramatic gasp, “Scripted? You? I thought you just really loved Nike shoes all the sudden.” she joked. 

Ava couldn’t help but laugh and lightly hit her arm. “You bitch, I worked hard to deliver those lines.” She grinned ear to ear. Being apart from Katy was one of the worst things about being in Angeles. 

“Seriously though, you look like shit. You don’t seem happy anymore. You know he wouldn’t want this. He didn’t care about fame he just thought it was what you wanted and wanted you to be happy. Clearly, you’re not, so quit.” She sighed before standing up. “It’s simple, just stop working.” She stood up. 

“You didn’t know him like I did.” Ava mumbled looking down at her hands, knowing her sister was right, but also remembering his eyes and how they lit up dreaming about their future together. 

“Whatever, I’m not going to argue with you about that. Mama’s making stew for dinner, we have to get back before she gives it to the pigs.”

*******************************************************************************************

A few weeks passed on missed calls, then a few months of avoided visits. The press panicked for a moment that Ava hadn’t been literally seen in awhile, but Carolyn released a statement that she was taking a vacation, fortunately for them the present is planned in the past so Carolyn had plenty of unreleased photos to put out, and even a few unreleased songs which she had previously called, “garbage” but was turning to in desperation.

Ava felt clean. She felt safe in the hills of Sumner, the sun healed her, her family was close, and the world was quiet. Until the letter came, then Katy was screaming. 

“Our selection letters came!” 

“Our what came?” I asked munching on my bowl of corn flakes. 

“Selection, duh- oh right you’re doing that “off the grid or social media cleanse.’” She said doing air quotes.

“How very Angeles of you.” My mom chimed in. 

“I’m not trying to be hip, I'm just taking a break!” I defended myself. 

“Well- to fill you in, Prince Arin is holding a selection! I thought he never would since he and that chick seemed so close to getting married. They were even engaged three months ago.” She gushed. The cereal fell off my spoon, 

“Months?” 

Katy looked confused for a moment, “Yeah months, not every mourns for years.” 

“Yeah no. No way in hell is he over that. He’s looking for a royal rebound.” I chuckled and went back to my food. 

“So you’re not going to apply?” 

“No I’m not going to apply, and you shouldn’t either. You’ll get your heart broken joining that.” 

“Well maybe I’m not going in it for my heart.” She replied. 

“What? Have I not been giving you enough money?” 

“More like there aren’t enough men in this town. I’m itching to have some fun.” She complained. 

“And I’m out!” Our mom said rushing off as Katy began to complain about how dry her sex life had been lately. 

“Well, I’m taking the drive to the post office this afternoon. Decide if you want to join by then.” 

“I’ve decided, no thanks.” 

A few hours later Ava sat in bed reading one of her old favorite books, she was enjoying some peace until her phone was buzzing over and over again in her drawer. She would shut it off but it was a burner phone that Carolyn had given her. It was an ‘when you want to get off the grid but I still need to reach you for an emergency phone.’ She groaned and pulled it out, 

“You better be dying.” 

“No but I’m going to put you in your grave if you don’t come back here and participate in the selection.” 

“Nope sorry I told you, I’m home until I say so. If that’s all I’ll see you someda-”

“I’ll let you out of your contract with Rainbow Companion Records!” Ava bit her bottom lip. RCR had signed her when she was just fifteen. She didn’t know better so she agreed to a 10 year lease with them. Getting out would really help her quit.

“Why would you do that?” She asked, there would be no advantage for Carolyn. Everyone was playing a game with each other at this level and she needed to know her angle. 

“You’re not going to quit. I’ve known you for years, you’ll take a break but ultimately come back. People like yo- like us are simple, we need the attention. After a while you’ll ask them to take you back. I know you’re too stubborn to accept that that’s what will happen, so you’ll agree to this because you want to ‘quit’ right now. It’s happened to so many of my clients.” She explained being shockingly transparent. 

“You really don’t know me at all.” She mumbled and thought for a moment. She was afraid, afraid that what Carolyn said was true. That she’d miss all that noise. But if it wasn’t she’d finally be free.” 

“What if I don’t get in?” Ava asked, needing to know the details. 

“Sweetheart, if you want it you’re as good as already in. I know people.”

“Okay I’ll do it.” 

“Great! I’ll send someone over in three days to fill out your appli-” She shut the phone. ‘No way in hell someone is doing that for me.’ 

“Katy! Do you have my letter?” She yelled in the hallway. 

*******************************************************

Just like that, Angeles flew in and popped my bubble. "We've hired some good photographers and journalists to wait at the airport. Just smile and say you're excited. I've also got some new sponsors for you, RCR really fucked me over on those negotiations so we need a bit more big billion bucks." Carolyn said as Aileen, my makeup artist, worked on lining my lips. 

Carolyn pulled a paper out of her purse and handed it over to her, mostly it was a list of brands with a few lines they wanted her to say, nothing unusual. She normally put up a fight over promotional work but if it was her ticket to a life without lying and screaming, she’d take it. 

“Now I set up the studio for that song that you sent me. It’s going to be a hit! We’ll release it a few hours before the selected announcements come out so the popularity boost from being announced on national television will bring everyone, even people who aren’t your fans, to your new video.” She explained. 

As soon as Ava’s jet landed in Angeles it was back to her old life. Back to the quick interview, “I was taking a break to be with family but I’m back now better than ever.” with a few ads thrown in there for the money. 

The night of the announcement she laid in the bath. She normally hated how alone she was in her Angeles apartment, but being able to bathe in peace was a nice perk. She pulled up the count down for her own video and waited. She didn’t like to watch them until they were released. In the past she had tried to help with the editing process but she was apparently too much of a backseat driver. She just had to trust that Jack knew her vision and would stick to it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyFiWkmkexI

She had decided to write this mostly due to her pure rage at Ethan, her director went a little off though making it into a whole scheming theme but overall she was satisfied. Next she switched to the channel with the selected announcement and waited. One named caught her eye ‘Emily Rose White’. She groaned and pulled up her phone, 

“You told her I was joining?”

“No that must have been actual luck, or she just wants to compete.” Carolyn responded. 

**************************************************

[letterboxd]

Quarantine Rentals.

Ten indie films you can rent right now, as recommended by Letterboxd members.

Sure, Scoob!. Yes, Extraction. The Wrong Missy, okay. On the other hand, there are plenty of interesting indie films available for VOD and virtual screenings right now that haven’t necessarily had the benefit of studio backing, big stars, film festivals, red carpets or other ‘normal-circumstances’ coverage to build word-of-mouth.

So, because these are abnormal circumstances, we sent our West Coast editor Dominic Corry on a hunt through your recent reviews to find ten under-seen but enthusiastically received indies that you can rent today.

Thanks to our partnership with JustWatch, you can find availability details on each film’s Letterboxd page—and Dominic has also helpfully provided further links to make it that much easier to support these indie films.

Powerbomb Directed by R. Zachary Shildwachter and B.J. Colangelo

Starring Matt Capiccioni (better known Matt Cross, or M-Dogg 20, or Son of Havoc) as an up-and-coming wrestling star, and Wes Allen as the obsessive fan who kidnaps him, Powerbomb is “The King of Comedy set in the indie wrestling scene, which is a cool fucking concept if nothing else,” according to Dustin Baker. “Luckily, there’s some witty writing and good performances to back up that concept to create something that’s surprisingly a lot of fun.”

Don’t worry if you know nothing about wrestling, writes Justin Nordell: “As someone who has zero reference point for wrestling, this film not only made it accessible but enthralling!”

A guide to where you can watch Powerbomb can be found on the film’s website.

Arkansas Directed by Clark Duke

Quietly ubiquitous comedic actor Clark Duke (Kick-Ass, Hot Tub Time Machine) directed and co-wrote this neo-noir in which he stars alongside such high-profile talent as Vince Vaughn, John Malkovich and Liam Hemsworth. Everyone agrees that the film wears its influences on its sleeve. Chainsaw Massacre “loved nearly every minute of this deliberately paced descendant of Tarantino and the Coen brothers. [But] comparing it to those […] filmmakers does it a disservice though, because, while you can feel their influence, first-time director Clark Duke does have his own distinct style”.

While noting that it marks another interesting performance in Vaughn’s recent emergence as a worthy cinematic lowlife, Tummis would also “like to point out that Liam Hemsworth was great in this”.

Arkansas is available via various digital outlets, as indicated on its official website.

What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael Directed by Rob Garver

Before the Letterboxd era, film criticism was a much more exclusive realm, and no one critic loomed larger in that realm than The New Yorker’s Pauline Kael—so iconic that true cineastes of her time referred to her simply by her first name. So it behooves you, good Letterboxd member, to familiarize yourself with this master of the form via this new documentary.

In a review that feels like it could apply to any number of Letterboxd members, kmarus says “From what I’ve encountered of her criticism, Kael and I disagree on a lot of things, but one thing that is readily apparent to anyone who reads her writing is that she genuinely cares about movies”.

Letterboxd’s London correspondent (and professional critic) Ella Kemp felt personally validated watching the film. “It’s magic, she’s magic, this is why we needed her and why we always need movies, and why I want to keep talking about them. It’s nice if you read me, if you like me or if you agree with me—but even if you don’t, I know I’ll be sticking around for a while anyway. I’m nowhere near done yet.”

You can rent the film here.

Slay The Dragon Directed by Barak Goodman and Chris Durrance

The insidious and nebulous practice of gerrymandering is the focus of this acclaimed documentary. As member Andrew Chrzanowski ominously intones, the film is “never more timely than right here and right now” and “demands you to watch, so you may witness in a comprehensive and detailed way the metastasis of the most malignant cancer on our democracy: gerrymandered districts and redrawn borders by Republicans, especially after the 2010 elections”.

Guyatthemovies says the film “does a phenomenal job of taking a topic that may seem confusing for most who are not familiar and breaking it down to simplistic terms, explaining the impact of gerrymandering [through] well-known examples” and that “this is a must-watch for anyone concerned about the state of politics today”.

You can support your favorite theater by renting the film here.

Judy & Punch Directed by Mirrah Foulkes

Mia Wasikovska and Damon Herriman, two of the more interesting Australian actors working in film today, and each possessed of a fantastically cinematic face, star in this one-of-a-kind film as a couple operating a marionette show in a town about to bubble over with tension. Like the classic puppet characters that title the film, they come to blows.

The film is the feature-directing debut of Aussie actor and filmmaker Mirrah Foulkes, and Letterboxd member CJ Johnson says she “announces herself as a feature auteur of serious talent and limitless potential with […] a film whose great artfulness is only outdone by its sheer, breath-taking originality”.

Jess V.K. warns us to “go into this film with no expectations, because whatever you were expecting is not what you will see”.

Rent the film here.

On A Magical Night Directed by Christophe Honoré

This French comedy (of sorts) presents a fresh perspective on a very French activity: infidelity. It begins with a woman, Maria (Chiara Mastroianni, daughter of Italian-French acting royalty Marcello Mastroanni and Catherine Deneuve) deciding to leave her husband, and taking up residence across the street where she can observe him.

As Allison M. explains, “like a modernized version of A Christmas Carol, spirits living and dead come to haunt Maria to help her make a decision about whether or not she should return to her husband. It is complete with a phantom baby, reference to a past threesome, and kissing cousins”.

The film caused Gmacauley to ruminate: “Have you ever thought to yourself that when you get old you’d like to travel to the past and sleep with your significant other while they’re young again? Well now I have.”

Watch it here; and also seek out Nicolas Bedos’ marital fantasy romp, La Belle Époque.

The Assistant Directed by Kitty Green

This austere take on the #MeToo era stars Ozark breakout Julia Garner as a bottom-rung assistant to a never-seen, New York-based film producer clearly modeled on Harvey Weinstein. Through one long workday, we are witness to the manipulative practices that enable such a figure, without ever landing on a single incident that she can cite as tangible proof of his behavior, which helps detail the impossibility of her—and countless others’—situation.

While the film’s understated style has thrown some viewers off, that’s entirely the point according to Ryne Walley, who says it “aims true with unwavering confidence. The calculated pace and concise nature of The Assistant hides very little, echoing the countless cases of abuse and depravity that’ve been disclosed… an agonizingly taut feat of filmmaking… Your heart sinks with each passing hour”.

“So quietly powerful, this is a female film through and through. Gut wrenching in the simplest way,” writes Letterboxd member Katie.

Ella Kemp interviewed Green about The Assistant for Letterboxd. The film’s official website lists various VOD options.

Capital in the Twenty-First Century Directed by Justin Pemberton

French economist Thomas Piketty’s 2013 book about income equality forms the basis of this documentary, which takes on a new pertinence in the coronavirus era.

“It’s a sobering trip,” says Joey Jepson. “As if Covid-19 wasn’t enough to send you into a deep depression, Capital in the Twenty-First Century presents a thesis that seems to indicate that if we don’t course correct, we will see a further divide and evaporation of the middle-class.”

Michael agrees: “Very clearly and lucidly explains why we’re fucked if we don’t start regulating capital.” Eep.

Rent the film here.

Spaceship Earth Directed by Matt Wolf

The 1991 biosphere experiment—in which a group of people sealed themselves off from the world (hey!) to investigate human self-sustainability—is the subject of this documentary, which, like Capital in the Twenty-First Century, also hits a little different in the current moment.

Kellyabailey is on board: “I’m fuckin inspired, man. I wanna see what I’m capable of and finally start that commune I’ve been dreaming up.”

Smooz was impressed with how the film didn’t make fun of its subjects: “It’s rare for a documentarian […] dealing with kooks to produce a movie with any sort of empathy. This movie takes the kooks involved in one of the kookiest, most ridiculed projects in recent decades and honestly shows their successes, visionary moments, shortcomings, and failures while resisting the urge to dunk on them and give them swirlies.”

Letterboxd editor-in-chief Gemma Gracewood spoke to Wolf about his film—and what movies he’d choose to take with into a biosphere—in this interview. Rent the movie here.

Aren’t You Happy Directed by Susanne Heinrich

Those in the mood for something different might do well to check out this aesthetically bold German film—think Wes Anderson meets The Love Witch meets the movie Robert De Niro takes Cybill Shepherd to see on their ‘date’ in Taxi Driver—following a young woman named Mädchen (Marie Rathscheck) through various strange encounters.

Arvid Schmiedehausen says it “might be the most artistic film I have ever watched. It is highly ambitious in its attempts to deconstruct society and western values through fourteen episodes, with each being a persiflage on one unique aspect of it”. [We had to look up “persiflage” too.]

Ian A. Chapman writes that “not in anyway adhering to convention, Aren’t You Happy melancholically meanders through rendezvous allowing time for delicious dialogue. Visually pleasing, the colour choices neatly frame the scenes and set the tones allowing for a shorthand into the vibe”.

Rent the movie here.

Related content

Our list of art house films screening online now.

[calpalirwin]

Insecurities

Summary: You were just a girl in a bar when Ashton Irwin literally bumped into you. His interest in you, although charming, also made you question if he was serious. After all, in what world did a man like that pursue a woman like you?

And away, and away we go!

Part 3

“Love?” Ashton’s voice called through your apartment as he shut the door behind him.

“In here,” you called out from your bedroom.

He found you sitting at your desk, music playing from your phone, you laptop open in front of you, and a small pile of books stacked carefully. “How was your first day of classes?” he asked, sinking to his knees so he could wrap his arms around your shoulders. A soft, yet scratchy kiss found its way to your cheek.

“You need to shave,” you answered as you glanced back from your computer screen to your stack of books, before dragging your mouse to click on more book titles.

He lifted up on of his hands to rub at his chin. Hmm, yeah, he guessed he could use a shave. “Ashton,” you mumbled, ducking under his arm that was now blocking your view of the laptop.

“Sorry, love,” he said, getting up to move to sit on your bed.

“There’s food, if you’re hungry,” you told him. “Leftover pizza, snacks,” you waved your hand in the general direction of your kitchen. “You know where things are at.”

“What I want is right here, though,” Ashton hinted suggestively. When it got no response from you though, not even a flush of your cheeks, he held back a sigh. “Hey,” he said, reaching over to poke your shoulder. “When do I get to see my girlfriend, love?”

Your head snapped in his direction at his touch. You gave a small shake of your head to clear your thoughts and offered a small apologetic smile at your boyfriend. You rolled over in your chair and grabbed his hands. “Give me… 5 minutes okay?”

“Love…” was the protest. He had been at rehearsals all day and then had battled the traffic it took to get from the city to your apartment so he could see you on your 1 month anniversary. All he really wanted to do was to curl up in bed with you and go to sleep.

“Ash,” you said gently. “5 minutes, and then I’m all yours. I promise.”

He sighed. Then smiled. “5 minutes,” he agreed. “But then,” his voice got dangerously low. “You. Are. Mine.”

You held back a shudder as his lips grazed your neck, a promise of what was to come. “Yes, sir,” you gulped out. 

His eyes went wide at the “sir,” rolling off your lips as you rolled back to your desk. “Fuck, babygirl, you can’t just say that, and then expect me to wait 5 minutes.”

“Babygirl?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Too far?” he asked, snapping out of his sex-crazed state. 

You nodded. “Stick to ‘Love,’ yeah?”

“Deal. But, please tell me this counts as part of the 5 minutes? I’m dying over here,” he said, gesturing at the tightness of his pants courtesy of your “Sir”.

You looked at him and licked your lips. “I guess all this can wait,” you decided, closing your laptop. “Alright, I’m all yours,” you told him once you were straddled over his legs. 

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed in relief as he kissed you, softly at first, then with a growing sense of urgency. He needed you in a way he couldn’t describe and nothing was satisfying that need until he heard you spewing profanities and chanting his name. 

~~~

His arms were wrapped around you as you both laid on his couch, watching a movie with the other guys and their girls. Luke and you kept quoting Mean Girls, much to everyone’s annoyance, except Ashton who would let out a small giggle and give you a small squeeze every time your voice went too high in your excitement. “Four for you, Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco,” Luke and you said when your phone started ringing. You checked it, seeing it was from your mom. “Shit,” you muttered, dashing off the couch and into the kitchen. “Hey, Mom,” you said, answering the phone.

“Why did I just see you on TV?”

“I’m on TV?”

“Yeah, TMZ’s doing a thing, right now. About your boyfriend. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

You pinched the bridge of your nose and peeked your head into the living room. “Ash,” you whispered.

“What, love?” he asked, looking over at you.

You motioned for him to come over to you as you kept talking to your mom. “Mom, I told you he was a drummer. What are they saying exactly?”

“It’s not bad, Y/N. It’s just a story. I was just surprised was all.”

“What’s wrong?” Ashton asked.

“Uh, huh, one second, Mom,” you told her, before turning to Ashton. “She’s watching TMZ. They did a story on us?”

“Oh, fuck…” he muttered before going back to the living room and switching the movie over to TMZ.

“Yo, dude, I was-” Luke protested.

“Shut up a minute,” Ashton growled as he stood in front of the TV. Sure enough, it was a picture of him and you, and then the story disappeared as the show switched to a commercial. “Fuck,” he said, pulling out his phone to look up the story, everyone else doing the same. “I swear if they…”

You could see his anger from where you were still in the kitchen talking with your mom. “You could’ve told me,” your mom was saying.

“Mom, it doesn’t matter to me, okay? He’s just Ash. Look, thanks for telling me. I gotta go.” You hung up and went over to where Ash was still standing, hazel eyes burning in anger as he read through the story on his phone.

“Mate, it’s not a bad story,” Calum said.

“Have you seen the comments?” Ashton snapped, still not looking up.

“Let me see,” you said, putting your hand on his arm.

“No!” everyone shouted.

You rolled your eyes and pulled up the story on your phone. “Honestly, if it’s out there, it’s out there. I’m gonna see it,” you said, your eyes scanning the headline: Ashton Irwin’s Getting Smart. What followed was a quick story of how Famous Ashton Irwin’s new girlfriend wasn’t somebody famous like him, but rather a college senior of modest means. 

“This isn’t bad,” you said, reaching the comments. Then, “Oh… oh… well, that’s just rude,” you muttered in disbelief as you read through comments like:

College senior? What’s she getting a degree in? Gold Digging?

She looks like a boy, tf?

Ew, Ash. Downgrade much?

You sat down and sighed. Ashton sat down next to you his anger melting away at the sight of you sitting dejectedly on his couch. “It’ll be alright, love,” he told you, draping his arm across your shoulders.

“What do we do?” you asked.

Ashton shrugged. “Not much to do. I can do what I can when we do our interviews out on tour. But, unfortunately, there’s always gonna be people like that.”

“Oh, look! Nice ones!” Crystal said, waving her phone.

The rest of you looked at your phones, hunting down the nice comments:

Guys! He’s dating a fan?! YASS! Is Calum next?!

Aw, she looks like Fetus Cal!

OMG! She does! #GalCal

We stan GalCal and Ash!

“GalCal?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s clever,” Calum said.

“And like really accurate…” Michael said, pulling up a photo on his phone. “I mean…?” he showed you all an old picture of Calum that looked uncannily how you looked now.

Ashton giggled. “Oh, god damn it… Cashton fans are gonna eat that shit up.”

“I agree with that last comment,” Sierra said. “We stan GalCal and Ash.”

You cheeks flushed, “Thanks, guys.”

“We got your back, GalCal,” Calum grinned.

You leaned into Ashton, and smiled at the people around you. Things, you decided, could be much worse.

~~~

“Got enough books there?” Ashton asked, as he walked into a familiar sight: you hunched over your desk.

“Hmm?” you asked, taking out an earbud to hear him better. You frowned at your notebook, your pen tapping against the spirals.

He sat down on your bed and giggled. “C’mere,” he said.

You waved an ink-stained hand in his direction, “5 minutes.”

For the next 5 minutes he sat and watched as you scribbled down notes. He watched the way you lips moved as you sang along to whatever song you were listening to. He watched you with the same mesmerized look you had when you watched him at his rehearsals: total admiration.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you asked, pushing your work aside.

“I can’t admire my smart girlfriend?”

You scoffed, “I’m hardly smart, Ash.”

“You’re smarter than me,” was the retort. “I barely made it out of high school. College wasn’t even on my radar.”

“You were busy becoming a rockstar, Ash.”

“So? Luke still did school.”

“He was finishing high school. Something you had already done.”

“Still…” was the defeated reply. It wasn’t something he admitted often, ever really, but with a college girlfriend, it was hard for him to not be ashamed he hadn’t give college a try of his own.

You moved from your chair to sit next to him on the bed. “Ash,” you said gently. “I don’t care that you didn’t go to college.”

“You don’t?”

“God, no! Could you imagine how I’d feel if you were college educated AND a rockstar? God, Ash… you not going to college makes you less THIS,” you said, gesturing at him, “and a lot more… Just Ash.”

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “Just Ash?”

“Just Ash.”

“I love being Just Ash,” he said right before he kissed you. He wouldn’t admit it yet, but he was falling in love with a girl who saw him as Ash, her boyfriend, not Ashton Irwin, the rockstar.

~~~

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Ashton asked for the millionth time, as he moved about his room, double checking he had everything he needed.

“I’ll be fine, Ash,” you told him.

“It’s not like you won’t be able to reach me. You can text me whenever. I’ll call when I can,” he said, running through the same speech he’d been giving you all week.

“Ash, stop,” you said sternly. When he looked at you, you motioned for him to sit next to you on the bed. “We’ve been over this,” you reminded him. “LA is in two months. I already have my ticket. I’ll see you then. 2 months.”

“I really wish you’d sell that ticket. It’s not like you’ll need it.”

“How else would I watch your show?” you asked innocently. Unbeknownst to him, you had already sold that ticket, knowing he wouldn’t let you be anywhere but backstage with him.

He sighed. He would never admit out loud that he loved the way you were insistent on paying for things yourself, but god, you were so stubborn about it it drove him crazy. Good crazy. “I know this isn’t ideal. We’ve been dating for almost two months, and now I’m leaving?”

“Ash, it’s fine. Honest.”

“Just know I’ll be thinking about you, okay? Cuz I will be.”

“I know. I’ll be thinking of you, too, Ash.”

~~~

“Hey, love! Happy Halloween!” Ashton’s voice sounded over the line.

“Happy Halloween, Ash.” You voice wobbled. While it had been easy to say that this wouldn’t be hard, the reality was much worse. The phone calls and texts just weren’t a good enough substitute for the way his scuff scratched at your cheek when he went too long without shaving. The nights were the worst, when you would roll over in your sleep and not find him there already pulling you closer. And after yet another sleepless night, and a long day at work and school, just hearing his voice was enough to break you wide open.

“Love, what’s wrong?” he asked, detecting the wobble in your voice. If you closed your eyes hard enough, you could see his eyebrows furrowing together in worry.

“Nothing, just tired,” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes even though he couldn’t see you.

“No, it’s more than that,” he said.

“I just miss you,” you finally admitted, sniffing as a tear rolled down your cheek.

“Aw, love. I miss you, too. LA’s only in a few weeks, okay? Just a little longer, love.”

You nodded.

“Love?” Ashton asked.

You gave a shake of your head, remembering that he couldn’t see you. “Sorry. I’m here. Yeah. LA. Can’t wait.”

On his end, his brows furrowed together as he thought about how to better your mood. “Don’t you have Thanksgiving week off?”

“Yeah. That’s why I’m able to go to your show.”

“And the week after? The week of your birthday?”

“Work and school.”

“But is it important? School specifically?”

“Not really, just studying for finals really.”

“Join me.”

“Join you? On tour? You’re not serious.”

“Dead serious. C’mon. Join me in San Diego and stay with me until Vancouver. Have you ever been to Vancouver?”

“No,” you admitted.

“It’s beautiful, you’ll love it.”

“Ash!”

“What?”

“I can’t just join you on tour.”

“Sure you can. You just said you have Thanksgiving week off and the next week you’re just studying for finals. You can do that here.”

“Ash, it’s expensive.”

“I’ll take care of it. C’mon, love. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too, but… no. I can’t let you pay for all that.”

“Consider it your birthday present.”

“Ashton,” you sighed, pinching the bridge of your nose.

“Love. Please?”

“I’ll take the train into San Diego. And I’ll pay your back for the flight out of Vancouver,” you relented.

“Deal!” he agreed, although you both knew he had no intention of letting you pay him back.

[rawiswhore]

Various WWF Wrestlers x Fem Reader- “Blame It On the Alcohol”

The various WWF wrestlers: Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Billy Gunn, Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Davey Boy Smith and even Luna Vachon.

No, Luna doesn’t get naked with you or anything, but read the fic!

................................................................................................................................

At the beginning of 1998, the WWF's Attitude era had basically begun, and in 1998, they REALLY cranked the attitude up.

And what you're about to do during one particular WWF show at the beginning of 1998 will help prove the WWF has cranked their attitude up.

In front of thousands sitting in the seats, cameras swarming and filming around the ring, broadcasting this all around the world, and standing in the ring is none other than Luna Vachon, a woman who really is the epitome of a stereotypical female wrestler.

She wasn't a beautiful diva a la Sunny, Sable, Debra, Terri Runnels, and Trish Stratus, amongst other women in the future, but she was a woman who embodies almost everything a female wrestler, specifically a stereotypical female wrestler, should be.

Big, burly, ugly and scary.

Luna's been wrestling for several years, but at the end of 1997 and beginning of 1998, she's really having her time to shine in the WWF.

She's standing in the ring, a microphone over her jet black lips, her face looking angry, aggressive and intimidating.

"Y/n!!!" she shouts, dragging the end of your name out, her voice gravelly and rough.

No response.

"I said, y/n!!!!" she shouted again.

"Where could she be?" Jerry Lawler shrieked, his face not shown onscreen.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Luna rasped.

No response.

"Where's y/n?" Jerry asked, his voice high and shrill.

Soon, the titantron cut to Michael Cole, holding a microphone, a camera filming him, where he was looking everywhere for you, opening doors in hallways, even though all of this was staged and scripted, as is pro wrestling in general.

He soon heard some shouting coming from one room, and he (and everyone else) knew about what a big, outrageous slut you were.

He turned the doorknob, pulling open the door, only to find you dancing on top of a round, circle shaped table, while a hoard of people, many of them pro wrestlers, swarmed this table, chanting "go y/n! Go y/n! Go y/n!" over and over again, raising their hands and pumping their fists in the air.

Wrestlers you were sexually attracted to and hanged with (Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Billy Gunn, Jeff Hardy, even Davey Boy Smith/the British Bulldog and Rob Van Dam) and wrestlers you weren't sexually attracted to (Road Dogg, Matt Hardy and X Pac) were standing next to the table you were dancing on, as well as a few men you knew and even dated in high school and college.

You let Davey Boy, Jeff and RVD make little guest appearances again in the WWF this month because they’re both so damn hot.

There were even some women swarming the table, two of them are Sunny and Chyna, but the majority of women were girls you were friends with since you were a kid.

Their chants were so loud, they didn't even hear the door open.

The camera zoomed in on you dancing, and speaking of loudness, the people in the audience, especially males (both grown men and underage teenage boys) immediately got out of their seats, cheering and yelling their asses off, holding up posters related to you.

Some of the males in the audience heard the people standing by the table chanting "go y/m! Go y/n! Go y/n!" over and over again, and they chanted along, chanting "Go y/n! Go y/n!" and pumping their fists in the air.

"There she is!" Jerry Lawler shrieked.

You were dressed in a bikini top, miniskirt and stiletto heels, your hips were swaying back and forth quite quickly and your hands and arms were up in the air.

Since there were chairs surrounding this table, you walked to the edge of the table and put one foot down on the table, then the other, walking off of the table by using the chair to help you get down to the floor.

When you were standing on the carpet, you continued dancing, this time in front of Triple H, grinding and rolling your ass up his jeans, and Shawn Michaels, whose face was shaved (thank God), his hair was hanging down, and he was holding a huge vodka bottle, shaking that vodka bottle back and forth as he walked up to you.

Once he stood right in front of you, he popped the cork off of the bottle, where the vodka spilled out of the bottle and onto your chest, where the vodka dripped down your chest.

He tilted that bottle on your chest, pouring a bit more vodka on your chest, where the vodka dripped down your torso, some of it dripped down your body like a raindrop down a window.

This got an even bigger pop out of the male audience, yelling and shouting "yyyyyyeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!", even the men swarming you were chanting "yyyyyyyyeaaaaaaaaaahhh!", having huge, wide, ear-to-ear smiles across their faces.

Some of the people in the audience were chanting "HBK! HBK! HBK!" over and over again.

Billy Gunn, who still had long hair and hadn't joined D Generation X yet, yanked the bottle out of Shawn's hand by gripping it by the handle, and helped pour some more vodka on your neck and on your chest.

Seeing Davey Boy Smith/the British Bulldog and Rob Van Dam make little guest appearances also is what made people (both males and females) get out of their seats, feeling so happy to see them again.

Davey, Rob and Jeff were even reaching their hands out and gripping the bottle's shaft, helping pour it not just on your neck and chest, but even on your face and lips.

The 3 of them were looking like they were all enjoying this, so did Billy Gunn, for that matter.

Everyone in the room looked like they were having a good time and enjoying this.

Your lips were getting dampened and wet as they poured vodka on your lips, some of the vodka even dripping out of your mouth, you tried to gulp that vodka down and hopefully not choke on it.

The men in the audience yelled and shouted out "yyyyyyyyyeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!" while these men poured vodka on you.

Even Triple H couldn't help but grab onto the bottle's shaft, yanking it from the other 3 men, where their fingers slipped from gripping on the bottle.

Trips poured some more vodka on your chest, almost emptying the bottle, laughing and smiling as he did this, trying to stay in character, even though he didn't drink alcohol in real life.

Shawn, Billy, Rob, Jeff and even Davey Boy Smith leaned their faces into your chest and neck, where they stuck their tongues out, pressing their tongues on your body, and licked up the alcohol on your chest.

The camera zoomed in and filmed these men licking the vodka off of your body, where their tongues were visible to the audience.

The people in the audience immediately cheered equally loud as they all got turns to lick your body.

This moment was making the audience forget all about Luna and more about you.

But most of the audience probably hates Luna, considering she's a burly, unsexy woman with a scary, gravelly voice, most of the male audience love oversexualized, skinny, bimbo divas like Sable.

Just look at how much men used to jeer at Chyna for looking like a man.

While this was going on, Michael Cole walked up to the hoard of people pouring and licking vodka on you, some of the men could see Michael walking to you.

One of them walked out of the swarm of people and up to Michael, looking pissed off.

He pushed Michael out of the way.

"Hey, fuck off!" the man shouted, putting his middle finger up at him.

"I'm trying to interview her!" Michael argued.

"Well not now!" the man fired back, pushing him out of the way.

The camera filming you and these hoard of men was now filming the little scuffle between a man and Michael Cole, whereas the rest of the men were too busy pouring vodka on you.

You didn't want anyone interrupting this moment you were sharing and indulging in.

Luna, meanwhile, was standing in the ring, patiently waiting, although getting annoyed you wouldn't answer back.

Speaking of indulgence, you turned your body around, this time grinding and rolling your ass on Shawn's crotch, and not just Shawn's genitals, but you swung your hips back and forth on Billy Gunn's crotch and tried to dance on Rob, Davey Boy and Jeff's crotches as well.

While this was all going on, Triple H held the bottle straight so it wouldn't spill, now it was his turn to lick your body.

He leaned his face closer to your body, where he licked up your chest and neck, his tongue going up the upper half of your body.

Some of the other men, like a few guys you dated in college and high school as well as some hot wrestlers like Shawn, Jeff and Billy, leaned their faces into your skin, your flesh, your body, where they licked the vodka off of your neck and body.

While these men were licking the vodka off of your body, you grabbed the bottle Triple H was holding and put it to your lips, drinking and gulping the vodka straight from the bottle.

You wanted the hot, sexy men to lick the alcohol off of your body and for you to grind your hips and ass on these hot men's laps, all until it was over.

Even though this was scripted, Michael Cole had enough of this.

He stormed right in the room, where he shook you on the shoulder.

Him shaking your shoulder made your head turn and stop at what you were doing.

The men surrounding you looked really pissed off at Michael, Shawn and Triple H stormed to Michael like they wanted to beat him up, the 2 of them both having angry expressions on their faces.

The men in the audience began booing Michael severely, angry at this.

"Wait!" Michael interrupted, holding one of his hands out. "Luna wants to speak to her!"

Michael pointed at you when he said that.

"Tell Luna she can wait!" Triple H argued.

"No I won't!" Luna growled.

She's a woman but she could easily tear Triple H limb from limb.

If Luna wanted to talk with you, why didn't she come up to you instead?

There's only one reason this segment exists: so the audience can see you dance with hoards of men and lick the alcohol off of your body.

Michael then grabbed you by the wrist, pulling you out of the room, where you stumbled as Michael dragged you out of the room, much to the dismay of the men behind you.

Some of the men, specifically the wrestlers like Shawn and Triple H, marched up to Michael, looking angry, but even you felt like they licked enough vodka off of your body and you lapdanced them enough.

"Guys!" you shouted to them, turning your heads and looking at them "You've had enough"

Michael Cole could breathe a sigh of relief of you saying that.

Once he pulled you out of the room, you leaned on Michael, trying not to fall on the floor.

He held the microphone up to you.

"Now that I can see you!" Luna shrieked, looking angry and pissed off. "Hey y/n!!!!!"

Her voice dragged the end of your name out.

"What?!" you shouted back.

“You know where to find the boys AND the booze!” Luna fired, referencing a quote from “Mommy Dearest”.

She then began ranting at you, wanting a match with you because she was tired of you and your sluttiness.

She could obviously kick your ass, but you had something to say back to her.

"Not now, I'm too drunk!" you slurred. "Why don't you go pick on someone your own size?"

Your quip got a huge pop out of the audience, especially the men in the audience, considering you were busy partying.

Luna wasn't having any of it, and she wanted to rip you to shreds.

“Keep drinkin’ that booze” Luna said “And you’ll have a voice and a face like mine!”

She pointed to her face, and she’s not exactly Stacy Keibler in the beauty department, or has a voice pleasant on the ears.

It’s a shame you don’t know what “Rocko’s Modern Life” is, considering you were an adult during the 1990′s “too old” to be watching Nickelodeon and not really watching it besides maybe “Ren and Stimpy” and an occassional “Rugrats” episode to see what the hype is about.

Because Luna does vocally sound like a scarier Bev Bighead.

I’m sure the 90′s kids who grew up watching “Rocko” and who watched the WWF during this moment and era would immediately love and laugh at you calling her “Bev Bighead”, even some adults who watched “Rocko” with their kids could laugh at that.

Even though you were drunk, you and Luna ended up having a match, where Luna won.

She could easily kick your ass, anyway.

This segment where you're dancing and partying with various men licking the vodka off of you, you've had parties like that, not just in college before (and after) you joined the WWF, but when you were in the WWF, you've had parties where you've danced whorishly on all of these male wrestlers you think are sexy, dancing with them while they poured alcohol on you and licked it off of you.

This moment was inspired by a "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" episode where Will watches over a British lady who acts very posh, proper, demure with her family (and Will's family), but when the family isn't there, she's a naughty, slutty party girl wild child who runs off to a tough bar and dances on tables!

[takemealivelh]

We’re not done here yet, okay?

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 9

2.3k | Mentions of alcohol, sex and cheating | FEEDBACK IS ENCOURAGED AND APPRECIATED

For the first time, I wasn’t able to know what was going through his mind, it both terrified and relieved me. I didn’t move, my jaw slightly trembled when his body got even closer to mine. His hand reached for my chin, and his lips crashed into mine.

Deep down I knew it was wrong, but I’ve always craved what I can’t have. His hands found shelter in the crook of my neck, I kissed him fast and furious. It felt epic, blood-rushing, stars-exploding, synths and strings playing in the back of my head, sinful. I wanted him all.

His lips were sober and my mind was lucid, my forbidden fruit tasted like heaven. For a moment, all these scenes flashed through my closed eyelids; holding hands in the queue of a coffee shop, cuddling on a winter day, playing with new sounds in the studio after rehearsal hours, fucking him deep in a hotel room in Germany. Then, his tongue traced my lower lip and my mind went blank.

“Luke?”

We pulled apart as soon as we heard the knock on the door. My heart started beating fast against the back of my jawline, recognizing Erin’s voice.

“Yeah!” Luke almost choked at the sudden intake of air. “In here!” He smoothed the wrinkles off his shirt where I had grabbed him, pulling his body closer to mine, wanting to melt him into my skin. His face visibly paled, I collected the heat in my own cheeks, burning red.

As soon as Erin stepped into the dressing room, I pulled out my phone and stared at the lock screen, pretending to be busy. Even if she hadn’t witnessed her boyfriend and his sound tech making out, I was sure she could perceive the tension in the space between us. If Luke was a good actor, I was not. Luke could keep his face straight for a long time just to keep a prank going, like that one time he and Ashton started a water balloon fight before the show in Glasgow. I almost ruined their plan because I couldn’t stop laughing or stuttering when someone asked me why the guys were taking so long in the bathroom.

Erin asked us if everything was alright, I saw the shadow of her moving body reach out to Luke and wrap an arm around his waist.

No words were necessary, our tongues had done enough.

I shook my head as if I’d just gotten an upsetting text and headed towards the door in silence, it was only when I heard my name on Luke’s lips that I stopped on my tracks.

“We’re not done here yet, okay?”

His arm was slouched over Erin’s shoulders, his eyes were dark with regret and hope. Her brows were furrowed together with worry.

I didn’t reply.

-

While the band walked the red carpet and gave similar answers to different interviewers, I was backstage with the crew of the venue. Men moved large equipment from one side of the stage to the other, women talked on their phones about strict schedules. Cameras were tested and microphones were checked for the hundredth time that day. I sat on a plastic chair, next to the mixer, going over the post-it notes I’d prepared with Michael and Calum earlier. Luke’s words had been haunting me since the moment they fell from his lips.

We’re not done here yet.

Did he mean that? What was he after? My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. He had Erin but he wanted me. Was that it? After all this time, he still wanted me. Why? How? He’d told me himself that it was too hard to be with me, which was true. So, why did he want to go through that again?

Maybe he missed me as much as I missed him. It wasn’t fair to his girlfriend.

I pulled out my phone and looked for Erin’s Instagram. Pictures with her friends, pictures of her on the way to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. Fuck, I wanted to be her friend, I liked her. She seemed smart enough to know when to leave and yet, she was still with Luke. I was disappointed in his behaviour. I couldn’t believe he was still pulling childish acts out of his ass. Had he not learned anything?

But I still wanted him. Why?

Why did I suddenly have the need to be around him? Why did my skin itch at the thought of his fingers? Why did I want to hear every stupid joke, every silly anecdote, every clever idea that he had in his mind? Why now?

Because he has Erin.

I felt bad about wanting to go after him.

The night went by in a flash and suddenly it was 5SOS’ turn to perform. They gathered around the backstage area before going in, fist-bumping and wishing good luck to everyone, including me. Calum patted my back and Ashton gave me a weak smile before heading out to a cheering crowd. Michael checked the guitar volume in his in-ear and kissed my temple good luck as he’d grown accustomed to doing before any big gig. I slid the faders up to 0 and pressed play on the recording multitrack session.

Luke’s breathing against my earlobe almost made me collapse on top of the console.

“Meet me afterwards. We need to talk.”

His eyes lingered on me for the time it took him to walk onstage. I felt naked.

I liked it.

Talking was the last thing I wanted to do.

-

As soon as their performance was over and they rushed backstage to put the instruments away and to receive the compliments from the rest of the team, I saved the recorded act and made sure to have the mixer ready for the next sound guy. When I was done, 5SOS were back on their seats, surrounded by the other attendees.

I spent the rest of the ceremony in the dressing room, not doing much at all. I could’ve gone home, I could’ve hung out with the rest of the venue crew, I could’ve sat next to the stage and watched the rest of the performances. Instead, I waited for everyone by myself.

I waited for him.

I remembered our encounter back at Ashton’s place. Luke’s shirt gliding off his shoulders, his hands squeezing my thighs, his sloppy kisses on my lips… All my memory could do was complete the gaps between reality and my fantasies. Was this feeling anything more than lust? Maybe it was, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

Close to midnight, the show was still going. I decided to play around with the makeup and the little elastic ties I had in my backpack, along with ten spare plug cables and a Shure SM58 just in case. The lightning was enough to sit on the floor and re-do my look in the full-length mirror. I sat down with a bottle of beer I’d brought from the backstage area, and wondered if Luke thought I was sexy.

“It’s always nice to hear you’re sexy from another sexy person”

I scoffed the memory away. He was drunk and I am insecure.

“You’re a nice view, you know that?”

We’d been so close. So physically, flirtatiously close. Now I wanted every inch of space between us to disintegrate.

Yet again, the image of his girlfriend popped up in my head. I dropped my head down, ashamed, and scrolled through my phone one more time. The last picture she’d posted was of the venue we were currently in, before we’d even done the soundcheck. Luke’s laugh was frozen as he carried her piggyback style. A kiss to his cheek.

My heart sunk.

Erin had always seemed happy around him. She liked that Luke was goofy and that he was interested in her job and hobbies. She’d told me about one time he’d taken her out for her favourite food and they ended up drunk playing carnival games. I couldn’t understand how Luke could sweep her off her feet like that if his heart wasn’t fully into that relationship. But maybe I was imagining things, and Luke didn’t want me either, and he was just this fuckboy that I didn’t know he was...

My mind was spiralling out, going to ten different directions, all equally disturbing.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror, the reds and purples in my eyelids. I did want to impress Luke, I wanted him to be aroused by me.

Maybe I can only be with someone as the other woman. I pulled the costume quite well.

When the boys came back into the dressing room to pick up their stuff, Michael was the first one to notice me all dolled-up.

“Whoa,” he half laughed, half whistled. “Hot date after this? Isn't it a little late for a conversation?” Calum laughed behind him and pushed him towards the guitar case on the other end of the room. They were drunk. Michael’s eyes were droopy and Calum couldn’t stop fumbling with the pockets of his jacket.

I rolled my eyes, “who said anything about a conversation?” my tone was playful and teasing, knowing it would amuse them. Deep down, the guilt and confusion kept me glued to the wooden floor, still in front of the mirror.

Ashton was quick to pick on my remark. He seemed like the most put-together, but when he erupted in his signature giggles, I knew he was hammered as well. “Damn, boys! We got our girl here being a wild one tonight,” he smiled at me from behind. “We’re going to an after-party, you coming with us? Or is your lover boy meeting you somewhere else so we cannot intimidate him?”

That’s when I noticed Luke was leaning against the door, blue eyes going through my body like daggers. I could feel the exact point in the small of my waist where he was practically burning his mark on.

“Where’s Erin?”

At the mention of her name, I peeled my eyes away from the scene. Focusing back on the boxer braids I’d made earlier. They’d taken me at least 20 minutes per side and a 10-minute break in between, to rest my arms. As Luke explained that Erin had to be up early tomorrow, I caught him stealing glances at me through the mirror. He didn’t look drunk, which was weird, but also kind of nice. I re-applied the berry colour to my lips and smudged the edges with my fingertips.

“A’ight then,” Ashton shrugged with a sigh, “and hey, wild one,” he tapped my shoulder once I was back on my feet, fixing my backpack on my shoulder. “Great show tonight.”

“We were good,” I smiled at him.

“Yeah, we were.”

They were quick to say their goodbyes and rush out the door to the after-party, except for Luke. He shoved a hand in the pockets of his pants and rubbed his eye with the other. “Nah, Im’ma head back home. I'm tired.”

Calum, Michael and Ashton disappeared, their laughter echoed through the hall. Luke was still leaning against the door when he sighed. “I broke up with her.”

I remained silent.

He looked for the thoughts racing through my head, narrowing his eyes at me. I didn’t know how to react. I was both surprised and relieved. Both scared and excited. Awkwardly, I kept readjusting the straps of my backpack, not wanting to stay but not wanting to leave either.

“I didn’t want them on my case, you know how they are…” Luke turned his head to check the hallway. Empty. He took a few steps closer to me, I looked down at my feet. His boots came into view and I almost gasped when I felt the warmth of his body almost touching mine. “Right after we…” the faint laughter in his tone gave away that he was nervous.

Unknown territory for the both of us.

“She knew something was up, she…” he sighed and searched for my gaze, “please, look at me. This is really fucking hard, okay?” The soundwaves of his chuckle vibrated against my temple. I was twitching in place. “Please.”

Even though I’d only had one beer after their song had ended, I felt my skin buzzing. Chewing on my lower lip, trying to stay sane and adequate through it all, I looked at him. Curly hair tucked behind his ears, gold glitter along his cheekbones, long lashes framing his blue eyes...

“I want you.”

My breath got caught in my throat, almost choking me. “Luke, I-”

I tried to pull away from our closeness but he grabbed my arms and held me in place. He looked for the truth in my eyes as my name rolled off his tongue as if it belonged there.

“You were right. Fuck, all of you were. I know what you all were thinking about, that Erin was a rebound, that I wasn’t being fair to her, that-”

“Luke, you-”

“Let me finish!”

He let go of me and strode back to the door, closing it. I said nothing.

Here we were, alone again.

“I was a dick to Erin, I know that. I led her on when I didn’t mean it… Not because I didn’t enjoy her company, ‘cos I did…” Luke trailed off and shut his eyes hard, cursing himself under his breath. He started stuttering and I couldn’t make out the words coming out of his mouth. “Fuck!” he whispered and nearly threw a punch to the wall. “You’re making me go crazy, you know that? I tried to get over you, but…” Luke took a deep breath and let his back collapse against the door, his body quickly glided down until he was sitting with his head between his knees.  

I watched. Luke had never been this vulnerable, not around me at least.

His muffled laugh travelled to my ears, his gaze found me again. “Listen, I don’t know what to do. I’m so in love with you that it hurts...”

He made me weak. I dropped to my knees and tossed my backpack to the side, crawling towards him almost at the speed of light. His cheeks were hot against the palms of my hands, he looked into my eyes like a deer scared to be hit. I could sense the fear in his breathing, the dreadful idea of handing his heart to me and me destroying it. His eyes pleaded for mercy.

“I don’t… I love you, okay? I’m tired of pretending I don’t.”

My fingertips traced circles against his skin, my thumb grazing his lower lip. Luke closed his eyes and gave into my touch, leaning into it.

I wasn’t sure if I loved him, but I definitely cared for him. My heart was beating fast, my stomach was swirling with butterflies. It was clear that I fancied him, I loved spending time with him, I loved it when we were together being the dorks we were.

And I was as scared as he was.

Leaning against his lips, I took a deep breath against them, closing my eyes. “Don’t break my heart, Hemmings.”

“I wouldn’t dare to”

-

TAGLIST

@brown-eyedshell @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt @myloverboyash @hopeless-renassianceluke @dukesnumber1 @rip-lukes-balsamic @angelbabylu @cal-pal-cuddles @ashtons-favorite @1dthewantedlove  @problematicprincessa@heartbreak-5sos @bloodmoonashton @lilacsos @irwinkitten @singt0mecalum@sublimehood @sugarcoated-pain @5sosnsfw @cal-puddies @lashtoncurls@cal-pal-cuddles @dweebluke @rosecoloredash @hotmessmichael@calumspeachy@ashtonsunshine @wonderland-irwin @irwinkitten@ashtonandcalslefthand @post-traumatic-mess @damselindistressanu @c-dizzle-swizzlex @mycollectionofnuts @calteahood

[talkfastromance4]

More (c.h) Chapter One

This is something I’ve been working on for awhile, more or less for my own fantasy granting joyness. Not sure how many parts this will be yet.

Summary: Single dad Calum doesn’t want to leave his son, Kai while he goes on tour. A nanny accompanies them and Kai isn’t the only one who falls in love.

author’s note: this is sort of a rushed intro lol sorry

Masterlist

*****

Calum was a bit of stickler when it came to love, especially because the woman he thought he loved left him after having his baby and leaving him on his doorstep with a quick written note, I’m sorry. A tiny bundle wrapped in a blue blanket with his birth certificate with no name except for Calum’s. His son, who Calum named Kai, is a spitting image of Calum, no ounce of his mother at all. He didn’t even know she was pregnant when they broke up but his three best friends were more than helpful.

Kai was one now, and although Calum didn’t think he was the world’s most perfect dad, he loved his little boy more than anything. He was his number one priority but Crystal and Sierra noticed how lonely Calum was even before Kai appeared in his life.

“He’s not going to want to go on a date, you know how much Jane hurt him when she ended it,” Michael says while he and Crystal are having lunch with Luke and Sierra.

“But we know the perfect girl!” Sierra insists. “She’s sweet, funny and she works with kids. We’ve wanted to set her up with Cal since before he and Jane even started dating.”

“I don’t know, I don’t think he’d want to try it,” Luke shakes his head.

“Also, remember that Calum has sworn off love,” Michael adds.

“But he hasn’t met—“

“Babe, I love you but let sleeping lions lie,” Michael tells Crystal and both girls slump back in their seats in defeat.

“So, we’ll be leaving on tour in like a month and a half,” Ashton begins at a meeting to discuss the tour schedule amongst other things. “And Cal, I know you don’t want to leave Kai, so . . . do you have any solutions?”

“Mali suggested I hire a nanny,” Calum says looking over at Kai who was playing with Luke across the way. “Which doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea. We’ll be gone for nine months, no way am I going to leave him behind.”

“That seems like a good idea. Have you been looking into anyone?” Michael asks.

“I’ve been researching a few agencies,” Calum nods, “but I haven’t interviewed anyone yet.”

“Want one of us to do it with you?” Ashton cocks an eyebrow.

“That’d be helpful actually, make sure I’m picking the right person.”

“Let us know when you have an interview,” Ashton says then Kai begins to whine and squirm in Luke’s arms.

“Naptime,” Calum sighs lifting his son from Luke. “Hey buddy, let’s go relax, yeah?” Kai quiets down a little but is still fussing when Calum takes him into his room.

“A nanny is a great idea,” Luke says, “she’d be with Kai while we do shows and interviews and things.”

“Yeah, and he’d still be with Cal,” Ashton agrees.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 Calum asked Ashton to interview the ladies that he found on a secure, background checked site. They already spoke with five of them but none of them have really stuck out to Calum.

“What about Kate? She seemed good,” Ashton says.

“She’s too proper. I want someone who will be fun but will follow Kai’s schedule and will vibe with all of us. This is hopeless,” Calum rubs his face with his hands. “If we don’t find someone then I’ll have to leave Kai with my mum and I don’t really want to do that.”

“I know, man, don’t worry. We’ll find someone. Next one is Holly Golde.”

Calum does a double take when he hears the door open and sees the woman walking in. She has frosty blond hair, small stature and the biggest blue eyes he’s ever seen. She was wearing all black with a long gold necklace and her smile was radiant. Wow.

“Hi, I’m Holly it’s so great to meet you,” she smiles holding out her hand.

“Ashton, nice to meet you,” he shakes her hand. “And this is Calum, the father of that handsome fella over there.”

Holly turns her gaze to where Ashton is pointing to see Kai playing on a blanket with his favorite toys.

“He’s adorable,” Holly smiles again.

“Thanks for coming, I’m Calum Hood,” Calum greets and shakes her hand as well. He notices how soft they are against his rough ones. All three of them sit down. “So, have you been a nanny before?”

“No, I haven’t, but I went to school for child care, I work in the nursery at my church every Sunday and I’m CPR certified. I know the hours will be abnormal but I’m willing to help out anyway that I can. I love kids, they’re the best thing in the world.”

“And you’re sure you’ll be fine traveling to different countries with us?”

“I’ll manage it no problem,” she nods affirmatively.

“Can I ask how old you are?” Ashton asks.

“I’m twenty-three.”

“Holly,” Calum says and he likes how pretty it is, “We’ll be dealing with fans all over the world. Obviously if I’m not with you you’ll have security so that Kai doesn’t get bombarded with fans but will you be able to handle that? Being around all those people?”

“I’ll be honest, big crowds like that do frighten me a little bit but I promise you I won’t let anything bad happen to your son. I will make sure he’s safe and protected.”

“When—“

Just then Kai starts crying, all three of them turn their heads to see Kai has fallen backwards hitting his head on the floor that wasn’t covered by the blanket. His round face was pinched and red as tears flowed from his eyes. Calum stood up but Holly was faster and scooped him up in her arms.

“Hey there, baby, did you hit your head?” she holds him on her hip using her left hand to cradle his head. “I know it scared you more than anything, but that’s okay. Here, let’s go look for birdies outside, hm?” she walks him to the window and looks out of it, pointing and bouncing him gently in her arms. She’s talking in soothing tones to him and his cries turn to sniffles.

Calum has never seen Kai adjust to someone so instantaneously before, and be soothed that quickly from someone other than him and his friends. He saw his son’s small fingers clutch the fabric of Holly’s shirt as she continues to point outside which he does as well when he sees something.

Calum turns to look at Ashton whose eyebrows are raised in amazement and nods encouragingly. Holly was perfect.

“Holly, would you like to be our nanny?” Calum asks and she turns around. Kai is playing with a strand of her hair and smiles happily at his daddy.

“Really?!” her eyes widen happily.

“Yes,” Calum grins and pinches his son’s cheek. “I’ve never seen him be taken with someone so quickly before. You’re obviously qualified and . . . I have a good feeling about you. I trust you with him.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hood, I would love to.”

“Please, call me Calum,” he makes a face then laughs. “We’re the same age.”

“All right, Calum,” she laughs. “I accept the job. Thank you.”

“Our assistant is right through there, she’ll go over all the details and paperwork with you, make sure you have your passport and all that. But once that’s finished, we’ll be seeing you in a few weeks when we head to New York.”

“Sounds good, here you go,” she hands Kai to Calum. “I’ll head on back, and thank you again, this is an amazing opportunity.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Before leaving for tour, Holly began to nanny for Kai about a week after she got the job. She wanted to make sure she got the hang of Kai’s schedule, and that he would become even more comfortable with her. Calum hated how he wasn’t home that much with Kai since they released the new single from the album, but appreciated having Holly.

He’d come home and the house would be clean, a majority of Kai’s toys would be put away, the dish washer would be runnng quietly and after the first few days, the laundry was done as well. She was impeccable at her job and Calum is extremely happy he hired her. Kai absolutely adores her.

“Hi,” Holly greets with a smile and the laundry basket jutted on her hip. “Kai’s been in bed for about an hour.”

“That’s good,” Calum sighs emptying his pockets of his keys and phones on the countertop. “And thank you for . . . everything. Guess I’m still getting the hang of being a single dad.”

“It’s not a problem at all, and I think you’re doing fine.” She begins to fold Kai’s onesies and his burp rags.

“Thank you, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you’ll be coming on tour with us,” he shakes his head and picks up some laundry and begins to fold. “It’d kill me to leave Kai with my parents.”

“Can I ask you a personal question? Please don’t feel obligated to answer, but, what happened to Kai’s mom?”

Calum took his time folding Kai’s onesie that reads ‘Daddy’s little rockstar,’ a gift from Ashton.

“She and I were together for about a year and a half, then out of the blue she broke up with me. No explanation just that it was over. I didn’t handle it well, and then nine months later, she left him on my doorstep with a note saying “I’m sorry.” His birth certificate and full custody papers were with him and it’s been me and him ever since.”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry she did that to you,” she holds his forearm in sincerity. “You had no idea she was pregnant when she broke up with you?”

“Not a clue. I don’t know if that’s why she broke up with me, thinking I wouldn’t step up or something which is ironic because she’s the one who left. I struggled a bit at first, I didn’t know the first thing about babies, especially having one of my own. So my parents and sister helped out a lot for the first few months, even the guys did too.”

“Well, Kai is a very lucky little boy to have you as a dad.”

Just then Kai’s cries come through the baby monitor, they turn to it then to each other. Holly places her last folded article of clothing on the couch to go get him but Calum stops her by holding onto her wrist.

“I got it, I haven’t seen him all day,” he smiles. She returns the smile and watches him head down the hallway to Kai’s room.

She continues to fold the laundry and hears Calum’s voice soothe his son through the monitor that’s sitting on the coffee table.

“Hey baby, Daddy’s got you, yeah? You’re all right.”

Holly moves to turn the monitor down but stops when she hears him say her name.

“You like Holly don’t you? I’m glad you’re comfortable with her . . . and she’s very pretty isn’t she?”

Holly’s hand freezes midway to the volume dial; did she hear him correctly? He thinks she’s pretty? He doesn’t say anything else after that and she continues folding the laundry until he comes out a few minutes later. She prayed desperately that her cheeks weren’t rosy.

“Is he okay?” she asks.

“Yeah, I think he might be getting his first tooth. That’s going to be fun on tour,” he heaves a big sigh.

“We’ll manage,” she assures him with a smile and because she says so, he believes they will.

[sloppy-little-witch-bitch26]

My Dirty Little Secret Part 4

Warnings: Swearing, angst, drama

This chapter is quite short, the next chapter is more full on, Previous chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, 

Thank you so so so soooo much for all the love I've received for this series! I love you babes! 

Summary: You’re happy with your boyfriend Duncan Shepherd, until certain events and people start to get in the way…

“And if you could also add something about how they pay off ex-employees so they keep quiet about their dealings”

“Mom”

“They think they’re going to tarnish my campaign?! Well they can think again, no one messes with the Underwood’s”

“Mom!”

“You need to be one step ahead of them, I’ll arrange for a meeting, you and their previous Head of Operations...”

“MOM! Seriously, will you stop! I came by to say hello, not to take part in a he said, she said War you have going on with whoever” you said exasperated.

Your mother was such a handful. You completely understood being the president of the United States was a high profile job, but you always had boundaries. You never needed or wanted her help to get where you were and you weren’t the meddlesome type.

“Well I’m sorry for assuming my own daughter would help towards her mothers campaign” she said, albeit sarcastically.

You sighed, getting impatient with her attitude.

“I’ll see what I can dig up” you mumbled whilst rolling your eyes.

“Great. Now to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I can’t just stop by and say hello to my mother?” You questioned.

“I’m a busy woman, Y/N, you should’ve called” Ever the diplomat was your mom.

“Charming” You retorted.

“Watch your attitude, young lady”

Throwing her a petty smile, you gathered yourself ready to leave her office until she stopped you.

“Wait! How’s it going with Duncan?” She asked.

Not that she really cared.

After her and Annette barged into your apartment and almost caught you both going at it, and dealt with your post-coital blow up, she made it a habit to not enquire about your relationship.

“It’s good” you assured her.

“Don’t forget, we’ve been invited to the Shepherd Foundation Charity auction next weekend” she reminded you.

“Well aware of that mom, I am dating one of the Shepherds” you reminded her.

“Much to my dismay” she mumbled, trying to make it sound as if she said it under her breathe.

You just rolled your eyes again, too exhausted to get into another petty argument with her.

“The limo will pick you at 8, be ready”

“I’m not going with you, I’m going with Duncan” You stated.

“Change of plans” she admitted. “The limo will be picking you up at 8pm sharp and we will arrive together. I expect you to be ready” She told you, so matter of factly.

With no energy to argue, you grabbed your things and made your way out of her office.

“I’ll see you then dear” she said aloud, knowing full well you weren’t paying her any mind.

“Sure, bye mom” you said as you were already half way out the door.

You’d arrived back to your office with yet another headache. Courtesy of your mother no doubt.

“Sooo, how’s it all going in the glamorous life of Miss Underwood?” Came the sing song voice of your Editor, Matthew.

“Hey Matt” you laughed.

“You know as well as I do my life isn’t glamorous”

“Except you’re the daughter of the president, and dating that hunk of man, Duncan Shepherd” he replied theatrically.

You rolled your eyes playfully at him as you gathered yourself to work on one of your articles.

“Any more news on the embezzlement scandal? I want to get that out by tomorrow at the latest before any other outlets do” You told him, technically he was your assistant yet he seemed more involved assisting in your life rather than work.

“Other than what you got the other day from Mr Johnson, we’ve had no other leads. According to him he was promised immunity if he gave up his other clients”

“No new leads then” you murmured

“None as of yet. They did hire an Admin girl for their office who they then tried to use as an undercover ploy but she’s disappeared apparently”

“Disappeared as in ‘sleeping with the fishes’ disappeared or what?” You asked

“Disappeared as in ‘didn’t want anything to do with it’. No conspiracy theory, no underground mafioso murder. She was only an Admin Assistant” Matthew replied as if he thought you were insane for suggesting anything else

You just nodded at his response and went back to typing.

“Soo, can we expect Mr tall dark and handsome to accompany you at the awards event next month?” Matt pried.

“Mmm” You murmured. Not really in the mood to partake in gossip.

“And are you attending the Shepherd Foundation Charity Gala next week”

“I am” You replied

“Do you need a date?” Matthew asked, hopeful.

“I don’t but I can get you an invite”

“I love you, so what are we wearing?”

“I don’t really have time to discuss this right now, Matt”

“Fineee, well then how about we grab a drink after work?” He asked you.

“Okay, I’ll meet you downstairs” You told him, hoping he’d finally leave you alone to get some work done.

This article was taking its toll and there’s still gaps missing that you couldn’t seem to fill.

There was only one person you could think of that would be able to help you with this.

Grabbing your phone, you quickly dialled Duncan’s number.

“Hello, Mr Shepherd’s office, how may I help “

Well that threw you.

“Is there any particular reason as to why you are answering my boyfriend’s phone?”

“Y/N wasn’t it? It’s Tiffany. Duncan is in a meeting, I have diverted his calls so he doesn’t get distracted. Would you like me to let him know you called?” Her faux posh voice was really starting to grate on your nerves.

You scoffed at her tone although not loud enough for her to hear.

“If you could let him know it’s urgent” you ordered.

You weren’t a rude person but this woman set you on edge, you didn’t trust her.

“Of course, Miss Underwood, ta-ta” and then you heard the click.

Sighing, you got back to your article. You couldn’t let your anger get you since you were on a deadline.

*****

Duncan’s POV:

“Who was that?” Duncan asked his secretary as he walked into his office

“Oh no one, just another reporter asking for an interview with you, I told them you were busy” she smiled at him.

“Thanks, I need you to do me a favor. I’ve placed an order with the florist on Wisconsin Ave, can you go and pay for them and make sure they get delivered?” He asked

“Where would you like them delivered?” Tiffany asked, all the while keeping that smile on her face.

“Miller & Wilson Media Group. Make sure they include the name tag for Y/N�� He replied while going through a stack of papers on his desk.

“Hmph, flowers for the lady huh? Making up for something are we?” She asked, trying to not sound like she was prying into his love life.

“Not that it’s any of your business but no, just do as I asked” he ordered as he walked out of his office.

“Yes Mr Shepherd” She agreed. She needed to tread carefully if she was going to pull this off.

From the moment she was assigned as his secretary, she knew he would be a tough man to crack. She thought she had finally broken through his tough demeanor yesterday convincing him to allow her to tag along to his business lunch however this morning, he was back to his stone cold, business like persona.

Grabbing the phone, she quickly dialed the florist he had placed the order with.

“Hello, yes this is Alice Coleman, I’m just calling regards the order placed by Mr Duncan Shepherd for YN Underwood at Miller & Wilson Media Group?”

“Yes, those are the ones; there has been a mix-up, see this order was meant for someone else. If you could please change the name on the card? Mr Shepherd has asked for the name to be changed for the attention of Miss Tiffany Turner? Thank you for your help”

Smirking to herself as she hung up the phone.

If she couldn’t get a hold of Duncan’s attention, she was going to make sure it was diverted away from anyone else. One way or another.

@kellysimagines, @tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning, @alexcornerblog, @cotomandra, @frucienlover, @michael-langdon-appreciation, @avesatanormalpeoplescareme, @ccodyfern, @sojournmichael, @gelukstraan, @stupidocupido, @petersfern-fics, @confettucini, @queencocoakimmie, @queenie435, @langdonalien, @sweetlangdon, @dunc-donut, @lovelykhaleesiii, @sassylangdon, @sassyhollandx, @holylangdon, @sodanova, @master-langdon, @1-800-bitchcraft, @langdons-rep, @miss-diamonds, @kaigitana, @athiestangel

[5secondsofrant]

A quick post on Kaykay and Ashton article on Daily Mail.

Hey, so I came across the pictures just now and before anyone thinks this confirms something, let me tell you: it doesn’t. 

Now I’ll break down the article and share my opinions and thoughts on it!

Now, before I begin this post, let me be honest and tell you that in my personal opinion: the daily mail is absolutely shit. This site is a huge example of why people look down on journalists (if there are some at that site lol). They’re always click-baiting with their long and over descriptive titles, and if you don’t remember, they were fucking disrespectful to Michael back in the day —  okay, as I was writing this, I googled the title (it was something along the lines “5SOS singer Michael Clifford covers hair loss with a quirky combover”), and if you look it up, it actually takes you to the site, but now the title is “The long and the short of it! 5SOS singer Michael Clifford sports a bizarre comb over as he joins his bandmates for radio interview” and if you allow me to rant for five seconds (lol): if you want to cover your fucking disrespectful titles, then do it properly and change the link too, fucking morons.

You have to know that if there are posts there, they’re definitely paid to be there (though I can’t assure this, but it happens in media) but at least, I can probably assure the majority of them are staged. 

Now, into the article, I’ll break it down a little and tell you things that called my attention:

> The fact that the title has her full name and not something like “mystery brunette”, “mystery woman”, etc. Let me remind you that even Sierra, a person that is “known” because she won a TV show, was treated as "raven-haired stunner” (yes, you can laugh at these titles) (I leave the link so you can see the proof, but honestly, hope you believe me and don’t give clicks to them)

> The subhead is: “They've been pictured together on several occasions since late 2017″, which means this journalist (again, I don’t know if this guy is one) did his research, or he was told this info.

> “And 5 Seconds of Summer's Ashton Irwin all but confirmed his romance with Kaitlin Blaisdell when they stepped out in Los Angeles on Tuesday” because hanging out it’s actually declaring a relationship.

> “Ashton and Kaitlin were first pictured together in October 2017 in Los Angeles. At the time, she was described as a 'mysterious female friend'.Around a year later, they were seen grabbing coffee the morning after 5SOS had performed a sell-out show at LA's Greek Theatre.Early last month, they were spotted on a casual lunch date in Studio City.Kaitlin is a 25-year-old fashion blogger originally from Sugar Land, Texas. She currently lives in California.” Your boy went all out! He did his research. Actually impressed by this timeline! Haha, okay you obviously can tell I’m not and I’m quite laughing at this article, but it’s interesting that they put so many facts about their whereabouts just to prove that the point they made at the beginning of the article is actually real. They want really bad to have the exclusive, don’t they?

 The other thing is that she’s referred as a “fashion blogger”, which will probably make people that read this article google her and her blog to see what’s up. That’s interesting, too.

> “After moving away from their pop punk roots in recent years, 5SOS have found success with more contemporary-sounding tracks, like Youngblood and Lie To Me.” Now we got some promo. Go and stream, by the way!

And now onto the photos.

The most “relationship-ish” one we got is the one where she holds “protectively” (yes, I’m quoting this shitty article because I just can’t with this corny writing) his arm, and they look friendly in my opinion. I’m no expert on body language, but he’s not leaning back or holding her in some way, so it just looks friendly to me. 

And this is obviously staged because they’re both look at the paparazzi at some point, but you can tell her she’s new to this because she’s the one that looks the most to the camera, so I would dare to say they knew they were being photographed.

While I don’t deny they can’t be more than friends, confirming a relationship by these photos is just ridiculous. And please, do yourself a favor and don’t click on that article because I did the sacrifice for us. Lol.

And by the way, before I end, this might be a reach, but I feel like they knew this was going to happen, and if you look at Ash’s sweater, it says “friends of friends”. I don’t know if he’s trying to send out a message or, as I said, I’m reaching, but if it’s the first option, this boy is a truly shade king.

Thank you for reading, have a nice day!

PS: Sorry if you thought I was offensive to the daily mail. I get that people need to work and live, but they really make my eyes roll and it bothers me when an article by them shows up after being so shitty to Michael back in February.

[itoshit]

Opening the door, I was met with Vee, laying on the bed. None of us talked, and as I noticed tears running down her face, I couldn't prevent the tight smile from showing up.

Hey Venus

I knew what I was doing. I knew Vee would be mad, but I also knew that I hadn't have any choice.

Your hair... you did it for me?

Yes I did

No I didn't. I just thought that I would be able to attract more chicks that way

You're funny Manji'

She cracked a smile at my reply, but I didn't reflect her expression.

Manjiro will do yeah? Look Venus.

Approaching her and sitting by her side, I turned to her, resuming my talk.

It was dumb of me. Everything really. I think... how could I put it. You're a nice girl, but I don't think you're a good match for me. I need my woman to be more courageous and less of a crybaby you know? So yeah, it was fun while it lasted, but I kinda grew tired of you. Not to be mean though, it happens every day. I don't want to waist more time on you, so as soon as you're healed, you can start your life again alright? Koko could help you with money, we'll buy you a new apartment.

Vee didn't seem to listen anymore, her eyes were on me, but she didn't look as if she was believing me.

You're lying

Guess I will have to be more convincing them. Passing a hand through my hair, I grinned at her.

Look Venus, the sex was good, but you're getting too attached. You even said to Kakucho that you liked me! Really? Baby I was keeping you around because I pitied you. To be honest, I wanna fuck other girls now.

I needed to hurt her. To make her let go of me.

Senju wanted to see me tonight so... yeah.

Vee started being more aggressive with me, explaining it by the request that I had for her to be mine and me to be hers. I knew all that, and of course I wanted us to be together. But it wouldn't work. Not with an angel like her.

Look Venus, don't be a bore yeah? Don't act like we were together or anything. I don't like you, I stayed because your pussy was good. End of the story! I need to get ready for my little date, so I'm gonna go now. So huh... have some rest yeah?

Patting her uninjured leg, I didn't wait for her to answer and I winked at her, exiting the room.

As the door was closing, I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.

I was used to all that, but this time, I would make sure that the person I held close to my heart would stay alive, regardless of my feelings.

Sacrificing my happiness didn't look that bad if that meant for Vee to stay alive. Would I be able to see her with someone else? No. Did I even have a say in the matter? No.

-Mikey

I- I feel so bad rn??😭😭

And I hope you ate after !

OHHH OKAY MICHAEL!

I don’t like you. I pitied you. I don’t want to waste anymore time on you.

I knew he was lying. I knew every word he said to me was nothing more than fabricated bullshit he probably came up with on the drive here. There wasn’t any way somebody could fake the things we said to each other, the things we did. I knew that. So why was there a small part of me that was hurt? Who was contemplating the possibility that they were true. Of course it wasn’t… right?

I waited in that bed, saving my forgiveness for when he’d burst through the door five minutes later groveling at my feet, begging for mercy. I waited, despite the tears on my face that somehow knew he wasn’t. I waited and waited and waited. He never showed. That’s when I sobbed, big, heaving, blubbering ones. I sat there crying for what felt like forever, until I couldn’t even produce tears anymore. And then I got angry.

Pressing my nurse’s button, I ripped the IV out of my wrist and the other machines checking my vitals, watching blood trickle all along the sheets. I didn’t care about it. I couldn’t stay another second in this fucking place. If Mikey wanted nothing to do with me after I healed, then I’ll do him something better. The nurse ran in panicked, eyes wide. I watched her gape at the sheets, at the flatlining monitors and then at me. I didn’t even give her time to speak. I had already begun to stand.

I need to get out of here, I told her, lifting myself up from the bed.

She charged at me, trying to push my shoulders back down but I wouldn’t budge. What are you doing? Your wounds haven’t healed yet!

I repeated myself, but she was still panicking, going off about something I refused to care about. Irritated, I take the collar of her scrubs and yank, bringing her close to me. Listen to me, I need to get the fuck out of this building and if you don’t help me, I’m going to find a fire escape and do it that way. Or maybe I’ll jump out of the window, break my fucking neck. Can you live with knowing somebody died on your watch because you wouldn’t help them? Would you be able to stomach it?

The words coming out of my mouth were unrecognizable to me. I got petty with my friends and said shit I didn’t mean, but this was cruel and excessive. I guess this what Mikey was turning me into.

I let her go only after she nods her agreement, looking ready to burst into tears by the second. First, I’ll need a disguise. No matter what Mikey had just told me, I knew he wouldn’t let me out of his sight if he caught me doing this. And being trapped around Mikey was not going to fly. Fuck no. Where’s the clothes you came in wearing?

I-In my bag in our locker rooms, she stammered.

Bring them. I need to change.

She went out of the room and came back, bag in trembling hand. I dressed quickly and keeping my head down, I allowed her to sneak me straight out of the building and around the back where her car was parked. Then I asked her to drive me somewhere.

What? I can’t d—

Why not? I asked without caring to consider her feelings. The poor woman probably didn’t get paid enough for this. Is there anybody else Bonten gives a fuck about that requires you giving them medical attention?

N-no.

Good. I grinned. That means you’re off for the day. Now drive. You don’t have to worry about Mikey, this is what he wanted. A half truth considering he certainly wouldn’t have wanted me to be out of his life this quickly, but I skipped a few steps for my sanity and his life. If I had to be in his vicinity I probably would have killed him.

We got in the car and sped off, me giving her directions as soon as she started driving. I watched the building grow smaller and smaller in the rearview, doing my best to ignore the thudding in my heart. The pain. The stress of everything I had been through on top of this bullshit. My thigh throbbed dully in reminder beneath the bandage. Eventually, we arrived at the destination of my choice, and I was sure to thank her for everything she did. I couldn’t give her anything but gratitude. I didn’t have any money. My phone was still in that torture room where I left it, and all the shit Mikey bought me most likely didn’t survive in that collision that got me kidnapped in the first place. I was grateful for that last one. I needed no reminders of him.

I quickly hopped out of the car, hobbling toward the door of the place I had requested to go. The nurse, who’s name I realized I never asked for, pulled out of the yard before I even entered the door. Couldn’t say I blamed her. I pressed the ringer on the door, pushing on it when it buzzed open. Immediately the stench of animal hit me full force. The sound of dogs barking and cats meowing brought a smile to my face.

Then I heard him. Who’s at the d- His words got caught in his throat, most likely at the sight of me.

Hey, Dee. I had cried all my tears out for the day in that bed. I could only express my emotions in humor. The boss hasn’t fired me yet, right?

Then I started to fall, but he caught me just in time, sobbing my name into my neck. I hugged him back tightly, heart bursting for an entirely different reason now. I was safe. I was home.

Six months came and went in a blur. I spent most of it being interrogated by police and interviewers alike. I kept my stories the same. I didn’t know my kidnappers. I never saw their faces. I never knew why I was kidnapped. Despite the fact that I could draw a detailed picture of Mikey’s face in my sleep, I didn’t sell out Bonten. I had gotten into the last predicament by them thinking I was an enemy, I didn’t want to prove that I actually was one. And besides, I wanted nothing to do with him or atleast that was the story I was feeding myself.

I never saw Natalie again. I didn’t know what Mikey did with her, and I didn’t have it in me to care. My conversations with Angel and Tati stopped a bit after they realized that too. I was glad. I was starting to grow tired of pretending I missed the traitor, and they were tired of pretending like they didn’t resent me for being the one who made it out.

Darren and I were practically inseparable. He had become my right hand, driving me around to physical therapy, helping me assimilate back into society, and still managed to keep the last bit of normalcy I had before I left during work, cracking jokes as if nothing happened. From the outside looking in, it almost was as if nothing did happen, but you had to look closer. I couldn’t sleep at night. Nightmares plagued my dreams every waking day, either of Koda, Mikey’s men who had groped me, or Mikey himself. The only time I managed to sleep was on my lunch breaks, much to Darren’s dismay. But other than that? I was okay, doing what I loved again and surrounded by genuine people.

Now Darren was convinced that what I was missing was a social life. Just come out with me, Vee. It’s just drinks at a bar with a few of my friends. We’ll even leave before 11pm.

Because your bedtime is 10, I teased, laughing when he nudged me.

I’m serious, he whined. It won’t be awkward I promise they already know- He cut himself off.

Perhaps that was the most awkward part of all of this. Everybody knew me now as the girl who survived her ‘kidnapper’. Imagine what they’d think if I told them that technically he wasn’t my kidnapper. They’d probably faint if they found out I fucked him too.

It’s okay, Dee. I was all over the news. They’re bound to know.

Still, they’re not assholes. They won’t treat you any differently. I promise. And if you’re still uncomfortable we could leave and I’ll never bother you about this again for the rest of my life. Pretty please?

I mentally groaned. Darren could get annoying when he was pleading, and it wasn’t like I had anything else to do. My routine consisted of home, work, school, occasional grocery store, gym and repeat. Nothing else exciting.

Fine, I relented, trying not to smile at his loud whoops. But I’m leaving at 10 alright?

Alright, he cheered, hugging me. Let me text the guys right now! This is going to be awesome! You won’t regret this , Vee.

I sure hoped so.

[the-foxwolf]

A Treatise on Interpersonal Relationships and The Color Pie

Time for another Treatise! This time, I wrote about how each of the members of the color pie have relationships. I’ll be looking at relationships between the colors and friends, the friends of friends, romances, and family. There are some steroetypes that need clearing up, but beyond it all is this:

Love isn’t the same all over.

Just because you love someone in one way, doesn’t mean that everyone loves others in the same way.

Consider that a life lesson if you need to. Either way, you can read on and see what exactly I’m talking about. I’m happy to have discussion about your thoughts.

Gather `Round! It’s Story Telling Time!

Blue Relationships

Friends

Blue’s friendships are based upon mutual respect and admiration. A Blue friend is the kind of friend who would actively keep you up to date with the things in their lives, the kind of friend who would take interest in the stuff going on in your lives. We all know knowledge is power. In Blue’s case, knowledge is love. Blue shows you that they care when they ask about your job interview, when they ask about how your new car is holding up, etc. Blue shows off its affection by keeping you up to date on their own life too, knowing that giving you that information exposes themselves to you. “I got into an argument with a coworker today. I realize I’m more stubborn in the workplace than I like to admit.” Sharing information like that is what Blue does to share its affection. In doing so, they’ve admitted the details of their lives they know you could use against them. But they trust you- that’s how they show they love you.

Blue’s expressiveness isn’t exactly public. Their affection for you is no one else’s business. Not that they’re the kind to hide their affection from others, it’s just that they’re not the kind who would let people, other than you, know just how important you are to them.

Blue friends are also likely to stay on top of your needs. If your coffee maker is failing, they’re the kind of person who would notice and buy you a new one. Most of the time, I imagine that you yourself wouldn’t know you needed or wanted the thing that Blue will give you. But in doing so, it just shows that Blue loves you enough to pay attention to the little things in your life. You may not need a new coffee maker, maybe this one is doing just fine but it’s getting a little dated and takes too long. Blue would notice and get you a new one, one strictly better than your old one.

Friends of Friends

Suppose for example that one of Jace’s friends meets someone new and starts hanging out with them. How long do you think it would take for Jace to dive into that new friend’s mind to learn more about them?

Blue is one of those friends who simply won’t trust your new friends until they’ve had enough time to prove themselves. And Blue would only be like that because they just want you safe. They’re looking out for you, in their own way. It’s not that Blue doesn’t want their friend to make new friends to keep them for themselves, it’s that Blue just wants their friend to be safe.

If your Blue friend saw you making a new friend, Blue is the kind of person who would learn everything they could about that new friend. Creeping on social media profiles, noticing their word choice when they talk about you, noticing how often they check their phone when they’re hanging out with your friend. Blue just wants to look out for you. They need to make sure your new friend isn’t going to hurt you, that they’re genuine in their intentions. If they don’t deem your new friend worthy, Blue will share their thoughts with you. It will seem possessive or jealous, but Blue will do it out of the goodness of their heart. It really only becomes unhealthy if Blue tries to force you to abandon that friend or keep you from making new ones, etc.

Romance

Blue’s romance is subtle. The most likely version of Blue’s romance is the love for a partner who helps them better themselves. “This person really brings out the best in me. Being with them makes me want to be a more idealized version of me. They’re so precious to me. I love them.”

(Barrin, Master Wizard: Urza’s Saga) (Art by Michael Sutfin) (Rayne, Academy Chancellor: Urza’s Destiny) (Art by Matthew Wilson)

Barrin and Rayne had a loving relationship. Each recognized and supported the work the other did for Tolaria. Sometimes, several years worth of projects would keep them from one another. But they always returned to one another’s arms. Though they each had doubts about Urza’s tactics and projects, they gave each other the encouragement and support the other needed to support the other’s goals and aspirations. Too often they grimly nodded and set to work when they should have taken some time alone and away. Eventually they learned that they needed to, luckily.

Blue’s romance is very much about how the significant other helps the self improve. The following is a thought I can easily see Barrin having, though not one ever expressly written.

“Being with Rayne helps me find the strength I need to continue and see this project to the end, even though I don’t like what I’m doing. She encourages me with her words and inspires me with her actions. Rayne helps me b the best person I can be and I love her for it.”

We see a similarity in how and why Jace fell in love with Liliana. It was more than just his “hot woman detector” that drew him to her. Liliana helped Jace find self-esteem for himself. So far, in his life, he had been betrayed time and time again. When he finally met Liliana, he had abandoned literally everyone save for Kallist. But then Liliana shows up and make him feel important. She leads him to think that she’s there for him for who he is, not to use him as so many others had. Unfortunate that she did indeed intend on using him all along. But she inspired him to believe in himself again. And, although she did end up using him without talking to him about her plans, she taught Jace that he was worthy of being loved and had many reasons to love himself. Liliana taught Jace that the reason people kept betraying him wasn’t because something was inherently wrong with him. That other people had the power to make their own choices and that sometimes those choices would stand against him, but that wasn’t something inherently wrong with him.

Sure, Liliana is a sexy beast, but Jace didn’t fall in love with her for that reason alone. Jace fell in love with her because she brought out the best in him for his sake- instead of their own. Where Tezzeret brought out the best in him, it was forced and entirely for Tezzeret’s personal profit. Liliana brought out the best in him so that he would have the confidence to some day help her take down the Consortium. Even if Jace hadn’t gone after the Consortium, she would still have made him a better man. And Jace could sense the difference.

Don’t misunderstand me. Blue’s romance isn’t strictly mental or distant or selfish. Not at all. Rayne and Barrin had a true, loving, inspiring relationship. While Blue may not be your style of love, it’s a perfectly valid and genuine love.

Family

Blue’s relationship to family is tight and heavily focused on wisdom and guidance. Barrin loved his daughter. Deeply. And the loss of his wife at the hands of Greel, the Mindraker, was deep and fresh on his mind. Rayne was primarily an artificer and Barrin was primarily a wizard. When Hannah chose to follow in her mother’s footsteps, it resonated deep in Barrin’s heart and hurt him deeply. He didn’t want her studying artifacts. The fact that Hannah had her mother’s looks, brains, and stubbornness gave him all the more reason to try to guide her down a different path. It wasn’t that artifacts caused her mother’s death, it’s that Barrin wanted her near to study with him, so that he could oversee her tutoring and try and give her all she would want so that she would be safe. Barrin’s complicated relationship with Hannah led the two to constant arguments, but it shows us that Blue’s love is focused on wisdom and guidance.

Blue is the kind of family member who would call home every weekend so see how their parents are doing. They’re the kind who would call often to ask life advice or cooking advice or even what kind of car to buy. Trust and love in their family would create a tight bond with their family as hey seek to offer and receive guidance from people that they can trust.

Black Relationships

Friendships

Black friendships are every bit as valid as every other color’s. During the Hour of Devastation storyline conclusion, we saw Liliana beg Nissa and Gideon and Chandra to retreat, to flee with her. She didn’t want them to die. I’m going to spend a little extra time on Black. Black’s love is poorly understood and often misinterpreted. I’m not here to serve as a Liliana apologist, don’t think that. I’m here to present the way Black expresses its love. Liliana is currently the best and most visible example to use. I’m not gonna excuse her actions or ignore her past. But neither of those are the subject at hand. How Black expresses and views love is what I’m here to talk about.

Blue and Black’s love are different than what most are used to and I feel need a little more attention and explanation than the rest.

They were not going to win today. That was clear. As Bolas himself had said, these children lost this battle before they were even born. It was true. What were they going to fight for? To die? This was ludicrous, even for them. She looked again at the space where Jace had been, his agonized screams echoing in her mind. She felt something wet at the corner of her eyes, but willed it away, refusing to show weakness to anyone.

She didn't know what made her turn to the others, but she did it anyway, the words coming before she could stop them.

"Come with me. We've lost. You can see that, right? We're not going to win today. We can regroup, find Jace, figure something else out." She didn't care that Bolas could hear her; he knew they didn't have a chance today, and he wouldn't believe they would have a chance in the future.

He's right, whispered the Raven Man. The Chain Veil was silent.

Chandra would not meet Liliana's eyes. Nissa shook her head. The anger on Gideon's face was obvious, but he offered no argument, no plea to change her mind. She was unused to the swirl of emotion she felt. Better she had just left, uncaring of their fate.

"Please. If you stay here, you will die. This is not the way." She hated the pleading in her voice, but she let her words stand.

They did not respond.

She turned back to Bolas. "Where  . . . where do you want me to go?" She swallowed uncomfortably, finding it as hard to speak these words as the others.

"No!" Chandra screamed. "No! We trusted you! I trusted you! No!" Chandra's head and hands burst in flame anew. You knew who I was, child. You knew. But those words she could not say aloud.

"Away," Bolas said. "Away. I will find you, and then we will talk. There are so many useful matters to discuss. Go now, Liliana Vess."

Her choices always led her here. Another betrayal. Another disappointment. Another trap. It was the comfort she found in the dead. They could not be betrayed. They could not be disappointed. They could not look at her with hurt and anger in their eyes.

Hour of Devastation, by Ken Troop

Liliana had to fight tears at the thought that Jace was dead. She begged her friends to come with her, to flee, to live another day. Tears? Pleading? Caring about others? Liliana? Seem strange that these concepts can be arranged into a structured sentence? Well, it’s true. Reread the above section if your eyes need more proof. You can interpret it in whatever way you want. But in Liliana’s eyes, she loves these people, truly. You don’t have to like the way he loves. But that doesn’t invalidate her feelings.

How does Black treat its friends? It makes sure they’re happy. If Black’s friend is happy, then Black is happy. Entirely selfish of Black? Matter of perspective. Let me provide you with an example of a line of thinking a Black person might have of their loved one.

“I find it personally gratifying to see my friend smile, to know that I have made them happy. That warm fuzzy feeling deep down inside me feels so rewarding. I love my friend and want to make them happy as much as possible so that these feelings of love and happiness I’m having never go away.”

Does this count as selfishness? Sure. But is it benign selfishness born of love for another? Absolutely. When we act upon our desires to make someone else happy, we are being selfish, because we WANT to see that someone else happy. Selfish because it makes it feel warm and happy inside to know we’ve made a difference. Even if we try and convince ourselves that we’re acting out of pure altruism, we’d be kidding ourselves. We find the desire to be altruistic to align with our calling or our selves. In fulfilling our purpose or our calling, we are only serving ourselves in the service of others.

There is nothing wrong with being selfish is no one is hurt and love is shared.

I stress this point because yes, Black’s relationships to others is entirely based upon selfish actions and desires. The desire to make someone happy is in fact selfish. So when you look at how Black expresses its affection, try to see past your inhibitions and stereotypes and see that Black’s love and affections for others is genuine and valid. You don’t have to agree with me. That’s not the point here. I’m showing you how Black handles and thinks about its relationships and loves. When Black loves someone truly, that love is equally sincere and honest as any other love.

Crovax, before he became evil, was an honest man. His adventure on the Weatherlight was entirely based upon the desire to rescue Selenia from Phyrexia, or at the very least take vengeance upon Phyrexia for taking her. But his interactions with everyone else on the ship? Honest. Crovax had no reason to be cruel or manipulative of anyone else on board. When he interacted and spoke with them, it was honest and genuine. The Weatherlight crew were his friends. Not just his ride.

On that note, we move to presents. When it comes to gifts, Black is the kind of person that would give presents that their friend wouldn’t need and wouldn’t ask for, but would appreciate. Jewelry or rugs or new plates, etc. Something the friend would enjoy, wouldn’t think to get for themselves, and wouldn’t spend money on to buy. Luxury gifts.

Friends of Friends

Black just wants you to be happy. If you make a new friend, Black will probably want to be their friend too. So long as the friend of the mutual friend is as good a friend as they can be, then all is well. Unlike Blue, who is likely to maintain a healthy distance from the friend of a friend, Black is likely to cozy up and become friends with the friend of a friend. Not only would Black benefit from making sure the new friend is good to the mutual friend, but Black would have the chance to make new friends for themselves.

Romance

Black’s romance will lend itself to possessiveness or protectiveness, which is alright so long as that trait doesn’t become unhealthy to either party. When Black allows someone into their heart, they allow them all the way in. Willingly, Black gives over to another their heart, their weaknesses and vulnerabilities and fears, to their romantic companion. That’s a lot. Especially for Black people. While Red and White might be far more willing to share their heart fully without much thought, Black and Blue find doing so to be very off putting as it exposes themselves to another. So when Black lets someone in, that love is going to be true. Now, this isn’t always the case. But let’s look at some recent examples in Magic Story.

Liliana made it pretty clear that she wanted to make Tezzeret suffer for what he did to Jace. Why did she want this? Tezzeret never actually affected her. Tezzeret killed all of Jace’s friends (granted, it was only because Liliana fed him their location), ruined Jace’s life, body, and mind. But he never once did anything against her. She was ever a freelance member of the Consortium. She was never anything else to him and he never did anything to her. So why did she want to kill him? Because he hurt her Jace. Notice she didn’t bat one eye at the idea of selling out Jace’s friends. But the very thought of what Tezzeret did to Jace drove her to a total fury. So much so she ended up working with the Gatewatch to crumble the entire organization Tezzeret was hiding behind and overthrowing an established government.

(Art by Daarken)

Liliana summoned an army of ghouls and marched into Thraben to keep Cloak Boy alive. She intentionally marched toward Emrakul with an entire army to keep Cloak Boy alive. She knew Innistrad was beyond saving. She knew Jace had willingly chosen to walk into Thraben. She knew that the concentration of cultists and Eldrazi was greatest at Thraben. There was absolutely nothing to gain from marching in with those ghouls. The only thing she wanted was to save him. She did not know the Gatewatch was there. She might have known it existed, at the most. But she did not know they were there at that very time. Jace was in trouble. So she summoned an entire army, literally an army, of ghouls to go rescue him.

(Liliana, the last Hope: Eldritch Moon) (Art by Anna Steinbauer)

Yes, it’s her Jace that was in trouble. But the love was real. When Bolas attacked Jace’s mind, Cloak Boy ended up planeswalking away just before Bolas finished his work. She nearly wept. Interpet that as you will. But she admitted to herself she had come to the point of shedding a tear. Which, for Lili, is a big deal.

They were not going to win today. That was clear. As Bolas himself had said, these children lost this battle before they were even born. It was true. What were they going to fight for? To die? This was ludicrous, even for them. She looked again at the space where Jace had been, his agonized screams echoing in her mind. She felt something wet at the corner of her eyes, but willed it away, refusing to show weakness to anyone.

-Hour of Devastation, by Ken Troop

Liliana loves Jace. Even if her words haven’t said it yet, her actions have. Hunting down Tezzeret, summoning zombie armies and marching into hell, tearing up when Jace nearly dies... her actions are loud. Her love is genuine. It might not have started out that way, but that doesn’t change its validity now.

My current girlfriend and I didn’t start out of love either. I knew my current girlfriend was going to my university and I knew she would probably be the only person I would know there. So I told myself, eh, why not? And so I began taking her out on dates. I didn’t necessarily like her before that. But I knew it would be convenient to me. (Note: I was a different man then. This was 5 years ago, as of the time of my writing this in 2017). That relationship that began because it was convenient to me blossomed into something beautiful and enduring. A relationship that I only ever dreamed I could have. Black can have genuine love. Mine started out entirely selfishly, but became so much more.

Family

When Liliana Ignited, it was because of what she did to her brother. She took her father for granted but cherished her brother. Black’s relationship to the family would be loving but cool. At the surface level it would seem to be minimal affection. The family would have learned to see past the cool demeanor and feel Black’s love. Liliana’s pain of what she did to Josu was enough to Spark her. That’s saying a lot for a woman willing to uproot entire plane-wide governments and fuel a civil war just to get a little payback. That what she did to Josu was as painful as it was is a testament to the love she had for her family. As in most things in love about Black, it would lend itself to possessiveness. It would be, much like Blue, very interested in people showing up in their lives. This is Black’s family. Not someone else’s. If someone is going to show up and interact with them, they’d better not be anything but good.

(Art by Izzy)

Red Relationships

Friendships

Red is the color whose relationships and loves are most easily recognized as they tend to be the type the media enjoys over dramatizing/romanticizing. Why? Because it’s easier to simply show a character give all kinds of big mushy expression than to do some solid writing and develop characters who love in ways some of the audience might not recognize. Red’s friendships are the kind that show up with a car full of balloons on your birthday, the friendships who organize the gang to visit you at the hospital, the kind who shoves you into the pool at a party when you aren’t expecting it. Bright, happy, shining love. Red’s friends know that they are loved...so does everyone else. It’s not that Red likes to brag. It’s that Red doesn’t give two cents if anyone else knows.

When it comes to gifts, Red is the kind that would want to go as big and loud as possible. The over-sized teddy bear or 3-billion balloons or biggest birthday cake.

Friends of Friends

Red believes that everyone has the liberty to be happy and make as many friends as they want. If Red’s friend meets someone new, awesome! Just so long as that new person doesn’t hurt Red’s friend, Red wouldn’t care. In fact, Red would probably be happy to hear that their friend is making MORE friends.

Romance

Red is the color of passion, of expressive affection. This isn’t to say that the rest of the colors aren’t passionate. It’s to say that Red is the color of expressive affection. Liliana and Gideon are plain awful at expressing their romantic attractions...even to themselves. But Red gets the message across. Even if it’s awkward and timid, like Chandra when she tried expressing her affection to Nissa, Red still expressed itself because nothing good comes from keeping feelings bottled up. Red is the kind to buy gifts and sing serenades and hold hands or kiss in public. This isn’t to say that the other colors won’t, just that Red is the most likely to do so. Red won’t care if anyone else knows how they feel. They’re not important. Only the loved one’s thoughts truly matter.

Family

Red takes its family very seriously. Friends, and especially family, are an extension of the self to Red. An attack against a loved one would be seen as a personal attack. Let me give you an example:

It got personal. It wasn’t just spite or revenge. Chandra felt that Tezzeret had personally hurt her, when it actually was her mom that was directly affected. Hurting one of Red’s friends or family is the equivalent of hurting the Red person themselves.

This goes to show just how important friends and loved ones are to Red. When Liliana fled from Bolas Chandra felt personally injured and attacked. Why? Because to Chandra, Liliana’s flight was the equivalent of a family member betraying The Gatewatch. Lili’s flight had nothing to do with anything against Chandra. It was only that Chandra had expectations of her family, Liliana, that Liliana knew they would not survive to meet.

When the Consulate was torn down and replaced, we saw that Chandra was willing to settle down and end her planeswalking travels for her mom. Yes, even Chandra, the mighty champion of liberty, was willing to shackle herself to Kaladesh out of love for her mother. Chandra. That’s... HUGE. But that’s just because of how Red loves its family. It’s pure, fiery, and bright love.

White Relationships

Friends

White’s friends are White’s responsibility. Gideon knows all about that. ALL about that. White is the color that would plan parties or send group messages or randomly check to make sure their friend was doing alright; checking in regularly to see if their fence needs fixing or if they need help with groceries; Selfless. White would probably be the best friend one can imagine. Red would be the closest friend. But White would be the ideal kind of friend who loves and gives unconditionally.

(Gideon’s Intervention: Amonkhet) (Art by Daarken)

White would be the kind of friend who loves to unite friends together. White would be the best at giving a toast at a wedding or at giving a speech at a birthday party. White’ friendships are extremely straight forward, transparent, and honest. While Red is the socially perceived ideal of Romantic love, White is the socially perceived ideal of Friendly love.

White’s gifts would be especially well thought out, things White knows would speak to their friend’s heart. A handwritten letter. An arranged visit from an old friend or family. An MTG: Masterpiece their Commander deck could show off. These are the kinds of gifts White would give. Gifts that are very personal and moving, but not necessarily big or public or loud.

Friends of Friends

White would encourage their friends to make friends and would likely try and be friends with those people. They would do this, not necessarily to keep an eye on that new friend, such as Black or Blue might do, but rather to simply make a new friend and build a better support system for everyone involved. If the friend of a friend hurt White’s friend, White is the kind of person to address the friend of a friend personally to discover why and to ask them to apologize.

Romance

We have seen Gideon’s romance with Chandra from many years ago and his feelings for Chandra more recently. But our best example of White romance is how Elspeth and Daxos fell in love. They found safety in each other’s arms. They found fulfillment in each other’s company. But most of all, they found hope for a better life, a different life, with each other. They hoped for a normal life. Of settling down, having kids, and living a honest and simple life.

(Swords to Plowshares: Unlimited Edition) (Art by: Jeff A. Mengez)

We see that White romance is incredibly personal.  No one else knows how Gideon feels for Chandra. And Daxos and Elspeth could not care less if other people knew of their love or didn’t. I like this kind of love. It’s honest and sincere and pure. It’s not bright and passionate and fiery. It’s calm and peaceful and true.

Family

White has difficulty differentiating between friends and family. Both are loved so sincerely that it hardly matters whether they are blood related or not. Gideon never had a family. Hixus was the closest he’s ever had to a father and his Irregulars were the closest thing he’s ever had to brothers.

(Kytheon’s Irregulars: Magic Origins) (Art by: Mark Winters) (Tragic Arrogance: Magic Origins) (Art by: Winona Nelson)

But in general, White’s relationship to family is heavily built upon respect and gratitude. While Blue is likely to adhere to their family to have a relationship to be able to ask for guidance, and Black is likely to hold their family dear and close and personally, White would adhere to their family out of respect and appreciation to the family unit as a construct and out of respect of the people in the family.

Green Relationships

Friends

Green’s relationships with friends are all about maintaining harmony. A friend is having trouble? Can’t have that. I should go to talk to my friend and help them adjust to or fix whatever problems they’re having. A friend of mine is moving to a new apartment? Better go help them move and help them settle into their new home. Green will be that rock, that solid foundation, that everyone needs. You can always count on them to be there for you, through the thick and thin. Green is likely to brush aside arguments with their friends for the sake of maintaining the relationship. These are the kinds of friends we normally take for granted. We don’t realize how much we value them until we lose them. These are precious and easily underappreciated friends.

Green’s gifts would be the kind of present that is one of two things. If there is no need for the former, it would give of the latter.

1) Something you need

    Your shoes are running old or your mircowave is wearing out? Green is the kind of person who would replace that for you so that you don’t have to go out of your way.

2) Something you didn’t need at all

    “You have everything you need? Nothing needs replacing? Okay. Here is a rare flower I have been cultivating just for you.” Or maybe: “Here is a recipe book. I know you don’t cook much, but maybe one day you’ll need to or want to. So here you go.”

Friends of Friends

Looking at how Nissa interacts with Liliana, we can see some of Green’s “If the status quo must change, it’s gonna be slow and natural.” When they first met, Nissa was quite clear about how much she didn’t want Liliana’s help. But when the battle against Razaketh came, Nissa didn’t hesitate or even make any kind of snide remark at her. But until then, Nissa had quite clearly expressed her distaste of my Liliana. Why? Because that’s how Green is. The status was quo. She had friends and they were at peace. Now someone new is getting involved? Why? Will they disrupt our current harmony? Why do we need more friends? Are we not enough? At first, Green will be very clearly resistant. But as is also within Green’s character, once Green realizes that this new friend is going to stick around, Green will embrace the new friend. It might be a little slow for that process to happen. But it’ll happen.

Romance

We have not seen Green have much romance with anyone. We’ve seen Emmara Tandris turn down Jace’s affections. Of the many things going on in that whole circumstance that contributed to her rejection, her strongest and clearest argument was that Jace was not an elf. Very traditional of elven culture to only have romantic interactions with other elves. It wasn’t that she didn’t have feelings for him, maybe she did or maybe she didn’t, I don’t think it was clear. It was that she wouldn’t act on them even if she did.

(Jace Beleren: Lorwyn) (Art by Aleksi Bricolt) Emmara Tandris: Dragon’s Maze) (Art by: Mark Winters)

Other examples of Green romance are like Nylea and how she fell in love with Daxos. But her romance was distant. She knew she couldn’t express herself. Daxos was a human and she was a god. Never once, in my memory, did Nylea let anyone know of her feelings.

(Daxos of Meletis: Theros) (Art by Karla Ortiz) (Nylea, God of the Hunt: Theros) (Art by Chris Rahn)

Looking at Green protagonists across Magic’s history, we that most are people who are devoted to their home, not other people. Khamal, when he became the Fist of Krosa, didn’t have any inkling of a desire for romance. Surrak had no desire to even consider it when he turned Mono-Green. Ulrich, Ezuri, Meliria, Anthousa of Setessa, Anafenza, Rofellos, Seton, Glissa, Rishkar-- most Mono-Green characters have a devotion to their home and their surroundings rather than other people specifically. Eladamri had a family, but his attachment to was that of a powerful familial bond. I honestly don’t even remember a mention of Eladamri’s wife.

Romance isn’t exactly in Green’s mind. But that isn’t to say it’s not capable. I argue that Green is the type of person who would be happy with an arranged marriage. When marriages are arranged, the couple learns to love one another as they come to realize that this is the person they’re going to be spending the rest of their life with. There is no point in not loving them. I’ll inform my Western readers that arranged marriages have historically been a major method of marriage. It is even today still prevalent. But contrary to popular Western belief, most arranged marriages are happy and loving marriages. An idea many Westerners can’t imagine. But people can grow to love each other as my example with my girlfriend (and the millions of happily married arranged couples out there, of course). Just cuz it didn’t start passionately doesn’t mean it isn’t a true and powerful. I’m not saying some arranged marriages aren’t awful. But no one can tell me that chosen marriages all have happy endings. One glance at divorce rates and domestic violence reports should dispel that thought.

Family

Green’s family is about harmony and togetherness. Of all the colors, I think Green the most likely to live with their parents the longest. Green might live at their parent’s house, with them, or they will move out and bring their parents along. While many Western cultures find the idea strange, keeping the family together over time is a cultural standard across most of the human populace.

Family is harmony and love and the place we are all meant to be. At least, that’s what Green will think. Consider how that plays with Green’s hold on the status quo. Living with the family has been the status quo for literally their whole life. Why does it need to change? Quite clearly it’s been a good arrangement or they would have left and adapted a long time ago.

Colorless Relationships

Talking about colorless is tough. But let’s talk about Karn. There is one singular defining feature of Karn. They are many things and have felt all the emotions in the rainbow. But the one quality that permeates them throughout his life is love. They is many things, but of them all, Karn loves.

(Karn Liberated: New Phyrexia) (Art by Jason Chan)

Jhoria was Karn’s best friend. Even when Urza placed the mind trap on Karn’s mind to limit Karn’s memory, Karn knew that they could not let Jhoria’s memory die off. Every night Karn read their journal and looked at his drawings of Jhoria. Even when Karn’s memories of her were gone, their love for her did not. Karn keeps their memories of all on the Weatherlight close to their heart. The golem’s love for Gerrard though was beautiful. For many years, all Karn cared about was protecting Gerrard and ensuring that Gerrard and his Legacy could live on. Somehow, despite all Urza did to him, Karn loved their master, their maker.

Karn felt rage and sadness and joy and everything else. But their defining feature is something without border, something that permeates the color wheel. Love. Love isn’t restricted to personality types. It exists everywhere. It has no borders. And I think that’s what I can define colorless as. Complete loyalty to loved ones.

Conclusion

What is one consistency across all the colors of the Color Pie? Sincere love. Every color has it. Maybe it doesn’t look like the way you love others, or the way others love you. Maybe it isn’t the idealized, romanticized, or fantasized version you want or think it to be. Love is universal across all people. But it doesn’t look the same. Just cuz you aren’t used to it or it seems different, doesn’t make it any less sincere.

Thank you for reading. As always, I encourage conversation with my readers.

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[umusicians]

UM Interview: Bea Kadri

Lebanese singer-songwriter Bea Kadri has always had a love for music. Tackling topics of self-discovery, empowerment, and all matters of the heart, Bea has found her niche as an artist. Although her rise into a career as an artist was gradual, Bea’s love for music can be traced back to her days growing up in Beirut, Lebanon where she glued to her iPod, MTV, and YouTube to get her musical fix of Pop, Hip-Hop and R&B. 

In 2018, Bea moved to London to pursue a master’s degree in music business management from the University of Westminster, with the hope of obtaining a job in the music industry. To date, Bea has landed a number of songwriting opportunities and sync placements, as well as performing at the BRIT AWARDS 2018 with Justin Timberlake and Chris Stapleton as a member of their choir.

Amandah Opoku sat down with Bea Kadri to talk about her latest single “Be Alright”, songwriting and more!

Amandah Opoku: Hi Bea, thank you for doing this interview with UMusicians! Can you introduce yourself to our viewers and tell us about one new song you’ve discovered in the last few months that you love!  Bea Kadri: Hey UMusicians! It’s my pleasure. Thanks for having me. I’m Bea Kadri, an alternative RnB / Future Pop singer songwriter from Beirut, Lebanon. Recently been obsessed with Teyana Taylor’s Bare With Me!!! The music video, the track and that mix are so fire and constantly on replay.

AO: You recently released “Be Alright”, what is the story behind the song?  BK: I wrote and recorded “Be Alright” with rapper Isaac B in a studio session in London back in August. It really started off with us just discussing how tiresome, changing and fast life can be and how much we miss simpler times from our childhoods. We put the Jan Pastor’s beat on loop with that mindset and came up with this sort of reminiscing and melancholic call for peace as a reminder to stay chill no matter the chaos. 

AO: “Be Alright” features London based freestyle rapper, Isaac B. How did the collaboration happen?  BK: I was in London for shows throughout July and August and Isaac B is a hardworking talented rapper and a good friend of mine. We just thought why not explore what we could come up with musically together, he had access to studio time at The Rattle London so I went by and “Be Alright” was created in those few hours and recorded it on the spot. I only added a couple of adlibs and back ups later from the comfort of my bedroom studio. 

AO: Do you have any artists and/or songwriters you’d like to work with in the future? If so, who?  BK: Songwriters: I would LOVE to work with Nija Charles, she is insanely talented and has written a lot of my favorite on-replay tunes. Julia Michaels’ words hit different too, so definitely her. Sarah Hudson’s songwriting is always popping and she seems super fun to collab with and just get to know in general. Oh, and Pharell Williams, he’s ultimate feel good vibes.  Singers: Post Malone, Jhene Aiko, SZA, Beyonce, Rihanna, PINK, H.E.R, 6lack, Jessie Reyez, Lolo Zouai, Drake, Daniel Caesar... the list is long. 

AO: What inspired you to pursue a career in music?  BK: The realization that it’s all I could think of growing up and that it didn’t go away when I became an adult is a big one. It’s always been my dream as corny as that sounds. But also, every time I found myself at a low point in my life, dreaming about it and escaping to that space in my head was what kept me up. So at one low low I decided to move away and just do it once and for all : pursue a career in music, by both studying the business side of the industry in my masters and releasing music. 

AO: As you pursue your career as an artist and songwriter, what is one of your biggest fears?  BK: I think the instability that lies in an artist’s career is somewhat of a worry. Even when I reach high levels, I need to stay innovative, creative and be smart with my income streams, especially if later I have a family to provide for, it can’t be that fluctuating. 

AO: If you could describe your music in three words. What words would you choose and why?  BK: Chill, transparent and emotional. 

Chill because a lot of the music I release and tone I use is relaxed and laid-back. 

Transparent because I write and pull from real experiences and reflections.  Emotional because I make sure I truly channel the same raw emotion that inspired my writing a song. I aim to match that in recording too. Like my last break up track B4WBU was full of takes of me choking up and sniffing. So I’m kinda glad this follow-up release “Be Alright” is a happier lighter one lol. 

AO: Some of the music you’ve released to date has been synced in a number of television shows and films. What was your reaction when you received your very first sync placement?  BK: Yes!! I was ecstatic, jumping around in disbelief as I watched my songs play in these dramatic scenes on the Australian soap opera “Home and Away”. That was the first one. Ah! Loved every second of that! 

AO: Looking back at songs that have been released within the last year, what are your favourite lyrics you’ve heard that you wish you had written?  BK: “Remember when you got my ass arrested. At least when I was in jail, I got some rest in” has got to be one of my favorite lyrics this year. It’s from Die for Me by Post Malone feat. Halsey & Future. I don’t know why I love that line so much, it makes me laugh and just simply and strongly paints how toxic whoever she is was. Posty’s energy in the delivery of the song is truly FELT. 

AO: At the 2018 BRIT Awards you performed with Justin Timberlake and Chris Stapleton as a member of the choir. What was the experience like and what did you take away from the experience?  BK: It was honestly surreal! Such icons! And I got to be in their choir on my first year in London! Just madness. I remember the gratitude and excitement that filled my heart, I felt so lucky witnessing what it’s like at The Brits that I never miss tuning in to. Although, when I was there I had this fear that I’d mess up or overstep so I kept to myself really as I watched Dua’s dancers and Stormzy’s crew get ready backstage. Looking back now I really wish I had been more relaxed and networked more or sparked conversations even with the rest of the choir. We were backstage for hours and everyone seemed friendly and happy to be there. I was just way too caught up in my shyness and unsure how lil Lebanese pre-releasing me got there in the first place. 

Listening to the song we performed “Say Something” is a quick way to take me back to that day though. And my dad blasts it all the time he’s so proud. I’ll remember the details of that day forever or until the next time I’m there (ehem, universe, do your thang!). 

AO: Aside from your music career, you also have a fashion e-commerce brand Young Wilderness & designer for Fashiontv Eyewear. What inspired you to jump into the fashion/accessories world? And how does this connect directly to your music?  BK: Well, I was in fashion for years before pursuing music. I launched Young Wilderness back in 2013 and recently re-stocked it, now I sell it online and at live shows whenever I can. It’s this super comfortable, durable, funky brand that’s meant to add colors and good vibes to people’s lives. It also helps pay for my music-related things. 

Designing for Fashiontv Eyewear was an interesting challenge, I never studied eyewear design, I just had ideas and did massive research about trends and color combos so that was a pretty cool chapter of my life...safe to say I have more shades than one woman needs. Would love to full-on dive back into fashion after I establish myself more musically, they can definitely go hand in hand beautifully. 

AO: In 2018, you moved to London to pursue a master’s degree and to be closer to your passion and to possibly get a job in music. You took a leap of faith. To those who may also want to pursue a career in music, what would your advice to them be?  BK: Depends on what side of the industry they want to be on. But whatever it is, I say definitely do your research and gain some knowledge in the field you’re interested in. Understand the legalities, understand royalties, take online courses, read up and consume on the subjects that interest you and most importantly, act on it. It doesn’t need to be 100 from the get-go. Take small to large steps in the directions that intrigue you, even if you’re unsure, even if you realize later you have a change of heart, even if you’re scared to fail. It all leads to you finding answers and gaining experience. I’ve very much become this annoying follow your heart and trust the process type of person, but if you love it, it’s worth it. 

AO: For a new fan that may across your music on digital music platforms, what do you want them to take away from your music?  BK: I can’t really say what I want them to take from it, that’s their personal business. But I do hope my music resonates with them on some deep level and sparks up memories and all types of feelings and healings and things. :) 

AO: Bea, thank you for sitting down with me to do this interview! Before you go, is there anything you’d like to say to your fans and our readers?  BK: I’d like to thank you for your awesome reflective questions, they’ve made me remember and smile. And to whoever is reading this, if you vibe with my music I got news for you: NEW MUSIC coming soon! I got the wheels rollin’ on a bunch of projects in this quarantine that I CANNOT WAIT to put out. Keep streamin’ my released til then. And thank you for choosing to spend your precious time reading this interview til the end. You’re a fuckin’ gem! Much love xx

Connect with Bea Kadri at the following links: https://beakadri.com/ https://www.instagram.com/bea.kadri/ https://twitter.com/beakadri https://www.facebook.com/BeaKadri/

[mytherapistthinksimfunny]

The Endless Thirst of Grace Michaud

It’s almost 11 pm, and in the four hours that I have been home from work, I’ve been reading articles about Adam Driver. Alone in my apartment, I snort to myself as I read The Cut’s “I Want to Be Adam Driver’s Baby”  and “21 Things I Would Like to Do With Adam Driver” which I relate to a little too well. I, too, want to “peruse real-estate listings” with Adam Driver. 

In my nearly 26 years of living, Adam Driver is this month’s Grace Michaud’s “It Boy.” Last month it was Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Next month? Who knows, but Henry Cavill is looking mighty fine in The Witcher. 

For anyone who has ever known me, this causes little concern. To everyone joining the Grace Michaud journey: welcome. You are about to experience an everyday occurrence.

New friends, or people who only interact with me via social media: I suffer from being infinitely thirsty. My thirst can never be quenched. Usually the thirst comes at a normal level, like any thirst, and starts out as a simple tickle in the throat. If offered a drink I wouldn’t say no. But I don’t actively do anything about it. I could go for a drink, but I’m not about to get up and get one. Then the thought becomes nagging, that maybe I really should get up and get a drink right now. I’ll crave water, a simple free drink that comes from the tap. Soon my thirst becomes more distinct. I’m craving an Arnold Palmer and I need that Arnold Palmer now. I drink and drink and still I’m thirsty, drinking like I’m in the desert, about to die unless I drink the world’s entire water supply right now. 

I am, of course, not talking about liquids. I’m talking about men.

An attractive male on a film or show catches my eye, and I make note. Soon I’m watching every movie they’ve ever made until I’m in a downward spiral of interviews in the trenches of YouTube and Google. 

I’ve been attracted to the male species since before I could form a concrete memory. The evidence is in a video of my dad teasing me at three about a crush I have on a boy named Ricardo. Wracking my memory, the name sounds familiar, and I’m aware I had crushes when I was in preschool.

How in the world did my tiny brain comprehend the very idea of crushes? That one could feel something more than just friendship with someone? That I, a mere three-year-old just learning how to not urinate my pants, was able to identify that? I’ve dated 30-year-old men who are nowhere near that level of emotionally intelligent. 

Who were you, Ricardo? Why was I fascinated with you? Was I attracted to you? Do three-year- olds recognize attraction? Where are you now Ricardo? Have you met your metaphorical Lucy?

So we begin, reader, towards an agonizing life of never-ending attraction to men. Now, I am absolutely not going to go into my dating life. That is just one long humiliating and questionable series of life decisions that even I don’t want to get into. Let’s just say, at 11, there was an entire diary entry of pictures from my yearbook of a kid named Kyle who once took a pinecone out of my hair. I shudder at the thought. And don’t get me started about junior year of high school.                                                                      

I mention Ricardo to show you that my thirst for men was always there, whether I knew it or not. To me, it seems, it was just a normal feeling that was a part of me. Nothing unusual. My karate teacher was a hottie and probably why I loved going to karate. I loved men so much that I wanted to be them. I dressed in boy’s clothes, even boy’s underwear, and occasionally asked my parents to call me Michael. Now, you’re probably thinking: “Wow there is a lot to unpack here.” But this was 1997 and my parents just went along with it, not really caring as long as I went to bed when they told me to. While others may think something entirely different, I just chalk this up to being that boy crazy. I didn’t start wearing dresses until I hit puberty….but I’m already getting off topic and I don’t want this to turn into an episode of Big Mouth. Let’s try and remain focused here: I’m an obsessive person.

This is my Kindle library as of March 20, 2020:

There is a home movie of my two-year-old self pointing to my Tweedy Bird hat excitedly. “I have Tweedy Bird on my hat!” I repeat over and over with a lisp, clearly very excited I had something I loved on an item of clothing. Even then, when I loved something, I was all in. 

Combine my obsessive personality with my attraction to the male species? We descend into madness, my friends. From cartoon characters, to television shows, to actors, to rock stars, to actors again. I obsess most over men I don’t personally know. Think 25 years of pictures covering walls. Merchandise. Staying up till 3 am diving into the corners of the internet for every last drop of information I could get. 

And it all started with Bugs Bunny.

Bugs Bunny was my first foray into fangirl territory. It was that episode when Bugs Bunny dressed as a Viking woman that drew me into the Bugs Bunny portal of obsession. I wasn’t attracted to Bugs Bunny in drag, necessarily; I was more fascinated by the idea of Elmer Fudd falling in love with Bugs Bunny. That Bugs was a character that could be loved romantically. I know this sounds really bizarre and heavy, but I fully believe that I was fascinated by romantic love that early in my life. 

Soon I didn’t stop talking about Bugs Bunny. I had an entire Bugs Bunny tracksuit, slippers, and a doll. There’s a picture of me in my entire ensemble while holding the doll, ecstatic. For my fourth birthday my mom made me a homemade Bugs Bunny Halloween costume. Bugs Bunny was even my imaginary friend for a bit there. I must have worn out the Space Jam VHS tape.

Note the Bugs Bunny watch. 

That’s childhood obsession for you. When I loved Pokemon all I would do was talk about it and dream about it. 

Then it was Digimon. In twenty six years, it hasn’t stopped. Up until December of 2019, it’s been one TV show after the other, examples being Avatar the Last Airbender, Total Drama Island, The Office, The Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Mr. Robot, Fleabag, Frasier, and most recently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Harry Potter has always been a love for me, and I’ve been obsessed with two different book series: the comic books The Umbrella Academy (the show is a DISASTER compared to how good the comics are), and The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod (a book series about a vampire; as a bonus, see how many vampires you can count). A common theme for all of these things was the fact that I was attracted to a singular male character and their relationship to others.

In preparing to write this I wrote about 6 pages worth of notes, all ranging in obsession. To completely write about every single one would take a novel with each of my multiple obsessions being individual chapters. For example, during the Total Drama Island years I was constantly up till 3 am on the weekends making YouTube videos for the show. If you can find them...I’d be impressed. (But actually, please don’t.) I’ll try to provide a list and a little comment, as I split my obsessions into various categories. 

At 11, I discovered the Sprouse twins and my object of desire went from cartoon characters to actors. I was known as “the Sprouse twins” girl, specifically Cole, during sixth grade. This was the first time I covered my room and locker in posters. 

A year later, we jumped dramatically and came to my obsessive emo phase. While I listened to a lot of bands, my attention was turned mostly to Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy and Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. (The latter I would later meet after MCR broke up when I was about 20 years old after his solo show,  and it was just as awkward as I could imagine). That’s when my room was completely covered in Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance posters. I wore a lot of black and those years were honestly my cringiest moments. Hey, we were all 13. 

I started to shift more from short, skinny, guyliner-wearing men and noticing tall, muscular, and handsome ones. I can pinpoint when I started to first feel sexually attracted to a man (at an appropriate age! I was going through puberty!) when I saw the trailer for Fantastic Four, and Chris Evans came out shirtless in a towel. Oh GOD what an ICONIC moment. Goodbye Sprouse Twins, hello six packs.

The summer going into high school, I saw The Dark Knight 3 times because of Christian Bale as Batman. He walked in wearing that tight black shirt and my expectations for men from there on out would never match up to Batman. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast seemed hotter now (you all know what scene I’m talking about), That attraction became the strangest when I remarked to my friend that Ultron was pretty hot for a robot. 

Maybe that’s why I love Kylo Ren so much. He’s the combination of two of my great loves: a buff emo. 

The high school years followed a somewhat similar pattern, but mostly actors more so than musicians. To be fair, in high school Fall Out Boy broke up and didn’t get back together till I was in college, and My Chemical Romance only released one album in my four years. So during high school and college there weren't really any “emo” guys or musicians to lust over. 

Now in 2020 I live in Brooklyn where every man and their mother is a “musician” so the whole idea turns me off. It was fun while it lasted though, and I’ll always be an emo kid at heart. I’ve seen Fall Out Boy 7 times in the last 10 years, and I paid an insane amount of money for My Chemical Romance reunion tour tickets. 

High school was a time where everyone was entering a more mature phase of their puberty journey, and for me, that was lusting after men over the age of 30. I had a hella crush on Zachary Quinto (who I saw walk past me once in the Village and I almost pooped my pants) even though I knew he was gay. I went through a Freddie Mercury phase for a bit too, I mean, come on, that chest hair.

I had a few months lusting after Colin Farrell after seeing him in Fright Night (which I recently found out was written by my favorite Buffy writer! seventeen-year-old me foreshadowing the present). In The Phantom of the Opera I sided with the Phantom the entire time, wishing that I could be seduced through opera in a hidden Parisian cave. My mom introduced me to Ryan Gosling who became my dream man. While reading Great Gatsby I had a huge crush on Seth Meyers who I would imagine Nick Carraway as. He does sort of look like Toby McGuire? He was the first of many goofy men that would lead to John Mulaney, Rob Delaney, Nathan Fielder, Ben Wyatt, and Niles Crane. Chris Pratt still fits into that category, though he’s the perfect combination of goofy and buff. When The Avengers came out my senior year of high school, I saw it 4 times in the theater. 

The British invasion didn’t happen until my senior year and defined my college years, with posters of Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tom Hardy, Michael Fassbender, Eddie Redmayne, and James Norton. My feet ache thinking about the times I waited in line at a movie premiere or a film set to get a glimpse of any of these gents. When I saw Benedict Cumberbatch on set in Boston my knees gave out. Domhnall Gleeson is also in that group of fine British men despite being Irish. It’s why I always have a moral dilemma whenever General Hux comes on screen in Star Wars. Twice I had a hardcore crush on Seth MacFarlane, going to the Ted 2 set living in Boston, waving to him as he got into his car. I would meet him again 3 years later when I worked on Harry, looking like a total disaster. But he said “hi” to me which sent me to cloud 9. I once waited in a lobby of a show to meet Lee Pace even though I didn’t see the show. 

All of these men at one point adorned my room, desktop background, dorm room (which was covered in posters, no wonder I rarely ever had a boy in there), and phone background. Today my phone background is the throne room scene of Rey and Kylo in The Last Jedi. Why do you think I had Tweedy Bird on my hat? I need my obsession with me at all times and I want the world to see. 

(Thank God tattoos are expensive and I was too young to get them during my hardcore obsessions. Imagine if I had a giant Total Drama Island tattoo on my back? I shudder.) 

While a lot of the attraction for these men was based on personality, looks, and accents, I also have a tendency to become enamoured with villains and dark characters. In 1999 I was in the movie theater seeing The Phantom Menace. Up until that point, there were virtually no children featured in Star Wars films, so when a young Anakin Skywalker graced the screen, my five-year-old heart would not stop beating. I loved him so much, I carried a Pepsi bottle with his image on it everywhere I went. I slept with it. My comfort blanket was a Pepsi bottle with a picture of a nine-year-old boy. 

I had the famous Phantom Menace poster with young Anakin Skywalker with the shadow of Darth Vader behind him. I distinctly remember my dad telling me in the theater, “That’s Darth Vader as a little boy.” When I saw Return of the Jedi my favorite scene was when Luke took off Vader’s mask, because you got to see Vader’s real face for the first time. That Vader actually was a human and not a monster fascinated me to the point of obsession which, as you probably have figured out, still carries over to the sequel trilogy. 

Bugs Bunny established my fanaticism, but Anakin Skywalker determined my type: men presented as villains but actually are redeemed over time. Through the years I think I’ve enjoyed getting to figure out someone. Their character is presented as one dimensional, and then even the tiniest thing that strays from that is seen as fascinating. There’s a great quote from an Adam Driver profile in the New York Times that I think encapsulates it: 

“A manner so resolute that when some emotion does manage to escape - whether through a glint in his eyes or the unpredictable undulations of his voice - that transgression can’t help but take you by surprise.” 

Now my therapist says that probably comes with my need to help and fix the real boys in my life. We both joked that our favorite character in A Haunting of Hill House was the drug-addicted little brother. 

I think it is totally unfair, because I know that I can’t personally help them... though ok, she may be a little right.

While I enjoy “complicated” from afar, it does subconsciously fulfill the need for what I can’t do in reality, which is being someone’s reason to change. Mostly through love. Turns out, in real life, it is far less romantic to be dating someone with a lot of emotional issues! Who knew! 

You decide for yourself. Here are all the fictional characters I’ve obsessed over who fit this category: 

-Kylo Ren (I mean, duh)

-Prince Zuko (the original Kylo Ren)

-The Phantom of the Opera (Thank you, Leslie Knope)

-Damon from Vampire Diaries

-Hot Priest from Fleabag (ok not a villain but he’s supposed to be a holy man and you think aw he’s never gonna...AND THEN HE DOES!) 

-Mr. Darcy (again not a villain but he was to Elizabeth at first!!!!)

-Duncan from Total Drama Island

-Draco Malfoy (that bleached blonde hair attraction still hasn’t gone away, oops)

-Spock in JJ Abrams’s last good movie Star Trek

-Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (oh if my heart could beat it would break my chest, how many times have I cried over that sweet platinum blonde baby?) 

Look, I know this is all fictional and in no way real. None of these men exist and are all a fantasy. Hey, I watch You and am extremely creeped out by Joe! I don’t root for him! I also hope I don’t stay this way forever. I really don’t want to be a Twilight mom. I’ve calmed down in my old age, ok? I don’t wait in the cold for hours at a stage door anymore, and I go on real dates now. I’ve even had a few boyfriends in my days who were nothing like the men I lusted after nor did I even compare. 

I completely agree that all these men would be horrible to date! Draco Malfoy was totally a bigot and bully. Kylo Ren killed his dad, and I have a good relationship with my dad, so I can’t really relate. And yes, Spike before he got his soul is nothing to wish for in a boyfriend, even if it was fun to watch him. Kylo Ren and Spike have killed multiple people. I’m not down to date a murderer. 

One day I’ll be able to consume something I enjoy and move on after a week. Growing up, mundane suburban life was a little more interesting when you get lost in a fantasy for a while. To be focused on something other than school, work, or even your own anxieties. If anything, I think my obsessive personality towards men in particular just pushes me to look for more and to yearn for more instead of being depressed that I don’t get to live it. I don’t just settle for the first boy to like me back. I strive to one day not to marry a celebrity, a comedian, or an anthropomorphic cartoon character, but someone who makes me feel like I’m the heroine of my own show. 

For now, I’ll just wait for the Phantom to spring me into his underground lair. 

Taken 2 minutes before I published this. 

[sundayeveningthoughts]

The Talk in Three Phases: Part 2 — Black is Beautiful

Sunday Evening Thoughts 

February 16, 2020

Dear Rachel and Paul,

                                                     Black is Beautiful

I am dark but desirable,

     O daughters of Jerusalem,

like tents of Kedar,

     like Solomon’s curtains.

Do not look on me for being dark,

     for the sun has glared on me,

My mother’s sons were incensed with me, 

     they made me a keeper of the vineyards.

     My own vineyard I have not kept.

Tell me, whom I love so,

     where you pasture your flock at noon,

lest I go straying 

     after the flocks of your companions.

—If you do not know, O fairest of women,

     go out in the tracks of the sheep,

and graze your goats

     by the shepherd's shelters.

Song of Songs 1:5-8 (Translation by Robert Alter, The Hebrew Bible: A Translation with Commentary)

       It has been a difficult three weeks deciding which texts from the Song of Songs to analyze in detail. It is very easy to choose libidinous texts like “Your eyes are like doves,” or “Your hair is like a herd of goats,” or “Your teeth like a flock of matched ewes” (that will get you a date!). But in the current trend if you said to anybody other than your girlfriend, “Your two breasts are like two fawns” or “Your lips nectar” or “Your robes the scent of Lebanon,” you will probably get arrested. On the other hand, if she says, “Let my lover come to his garden and eat his fruit,” I interpret that as a “Yes!”

       Remember the author of Song of Songs takes each person and has the other describe the physical characteristics of the other in pastoral nature-terms from the top of their head to the bottom of their feet, and yes, every body part. But I’ll leave that for you to play with…  the text, the text... no pun intended!

       Full disclosure: Very little of the exegesis I am providing is my original thought. 99% of it comes from Robert Alter, Professor of Hebrew Languages at U. of California, Berkeley, and author of The Hebrew Bible: A Translation with Commentary; 50% comes from Michael Coogan, Professor of the Semitic Library, Harvard University, and author of God and Sex: What the Bible Really Says; and 45% from Jennifer Wright Knust, Professor of Religious Studies at Duke University, and author of Unprotected Texts: The Bible’s Surprising Contradictions about Sex and Desire. How does it add to more than a 100%? Because by-and-large, all three agree on the meaning behind the texts in Song of Songs.

       Song of Songs 1:5-8 is fascinating. So let’s start…

       “I am dark but desirable” opens this section with an interesting disclaimer. Is it a protest or an attribute? The ancient beauty of black women like Cleopatra, Nefertiti, and the Queen of Sheba are well known. Historians disagree on the “blackness” of each of these women, but all are historically known as being beautiful, strong, black women. 

       Still, why the conjunction “but”? Why is darkness viewed as less desirable? It is interesting that even today in many parts of the world the darker a woman is, the lower the social class she is thought to be associated with. But, before we judge people in countries that subscribe to that notion, Michelle Alexander points out in her book The New Jim Crow that Americans are in many ways worse, because we legalize it into our way of life by legislating exorbitant fees and jail time for petty traffic violations in Southern American cities that keep black Americans impoverished. This happened to a black, female Thinker here in Hampton Roads. Nevertheless, the female protagonist in Song of Songs confidently thinks of herself as “hot”!

       “O daughters of Jerusalem” or in popular vernacular, “Listen you rich, white, city bitches, don’t think of yourself better than me.” Sorry for the aggressive tone, but I’m trying to be honest to the text. This is interesting in a couple of ways: Not only is she defending herself of her phenotypic characteristic, but she is also supporting the rural, agrarian view v. the city slickers. Why is this important? When I asked a Thinker who works in the Middle East, what is the real cause behind the civil war in Syria, they said that it is very much an economic battle of city v. rural, manufacturer v. farmer, or in reality, who controls the prices of goods. When farmers in Syria tried to raise their prices, Assad (the government) rejected buying it for their asking price. This led to the collapse of the rural economy. Assad then offered to buy farm goods at a guaranteed price to which the farmers agreed, but then raised the prices of fertilizers and other necessary farming manufactured goods to grow and produce the raw farm goods or food. This led to more protests of farmers, which then started to spread to suburban dwellers, because farmers could not pay for their purchases, which led to protests in the cities. And before you know it, the farmer, the small business person, and lastly, the poor city dwellers are being bombed by Assad with the help of both Russia and the U.S., all the while ISIS grows as an apocalyptic response to the societal problems created by greed, or in biblical terms the “daughters of Jerusalem.”

       Welcome to the real world today! … and in ancient times!

       “Like tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon” refers again to darkness, blackness. She is as black as the tents of Kedar. Kedar is a nomadic, dark skinned, Arab tribe which to this day, Arab Bedouins make their tents out of black goat's hair. And according to Alter, the root of Kedar q-d-r is the same root for black or darkness in Hebrew, thus a play on words which is lost on most of us. “The curtains of Solomon” were certainly viewed as cloth of royalty and beauty. Thus again, a playful poetic image, “she is as black and rough (in a feminist sense) as the tent of nomads, but as beautiful and exquisite as the finest fabrics of Solomon’s.” Alter also notes there are some sexual insinuations in this too. She can be as aggressive in bed as necessary to achieve her own sexual satisfaction, but can be as gentle as necessary for him to achieve his too. In this last sense, a poetic juxtaposition of parallel images. 

       “Do not look on me for being dark, for the sun has glared on me, my mother’s sons were incensed with me, they made me a keeper of the vineyards. My own vineyard I have not kept.” Again the female protagonist cries out for equal justice. She is black because she is made that way. And although her brother’s were incensed — “incensed” has the same root as “sun glaring,” thus again a Hebrew play on words referring to things being burned or blackened. She responds that they want to keep her locked up and maintain her virginity, but she responds she is her own self and has not kept her “vineyard.” Of course in an economic sense, they want her to work for them, thus she cannot be free economically to be self-fulfilled financially. 

       “Tell me, whom I love so, where you pasture your flock at noon, lest I go straying after the flocks of your companions” is a little tease on her part. “‘Hey babe, what are you doing this afternoon?’ she inquires with a shy smile. ‘A woman has certain needs too that must be fulfilled,’ she jests, ‘or should I call one of your friends?’ she says rhetorically.” Note the nature words used - pasture, flocks, attending sheep, creating images of pastoral scenes used in European art of the 1800’s and 1900’s through the American pastorals of the mid-20th century. 

       (Andrew Wyeth’s “Christina’s World” shows a pastoral scene of an unfulfilled woman longing for more.) 

       “If you do not know, O fairest of women, go out in the tracks of the sheep, and graze your goats by the shepherd's shelters,” he now speaks, playing along with her game. He also compliments her on her beauty “O fairest of women.” If she feels at all intimidated because of her darkness, rest assured, he likes it. Black is beautiful! 

       My favorite part of our visit to India last year, besides the actual wedding, was our visit to rural India. One of the things we saw were these little 6’ x 10’ lean-tos (shepherd shelters) with a straw roof that all farmers used in the late afternoon for shade from the hot sun and to store some extra products, as the temperature often approaches 112* F in the summer. One can easily see those lean-tos as a rendezvous for a young couple deeply in love with little chance of being caught in an afternoon by frolicing in the hay. 

 (Mom at a farmer’s hut in rural Chennai, India.) 

       This was our conversation when we were in rural India!

“Oh fairest of women… go out by the shepherd’s shelter..,” I encouraged. (1:8)

To which Mom said, “While the king was on his couch, my nard gave off its scent.” (1:12)

Yes, yes, I thought, it’s going to be a good day. What else should I say? I know, “O you are fair, my lover… our bed is verdant, too.” (1:16)

Mom responded, “Like a quince tree among the trees of the forest, so my lover among the forest. In its shade I delighted to sit, and its fruit was sweet to my taste.” (2:3)

“Look, Solomon’s bed!” she proclaimed. (3:7)

“What a stud I am!” I boastfully thought. (Extra biblical text not found in the Hebrew Bible)

       Why are such graphic, sexual physical descriptions found in the Bible? Because it is precisely the most natural, most human characteristic we possess. Unfortunately, in my opinion, my church — the Catholic Church — still doesn’t get it. Natural human behavior is clothed in pious (and often sanctimonious) language from celibate priests with negative connotations of sin and hell. I don’t know, perhaps they still want to maintain control of the people like in the Middle Ages, but unfortunately for them, today the people are smarter than the priests. Fortunately, I think Pope Francis is starting to “get it.” After all, “who am I to judge” (Pope Francis in a 2013 interview on his book, Mercy).

Have a good week…

Love,

Dad

P.S. Songs of strong, black women are found often in hip-hop, especially from female singers. Tupac is a complex figure. On the one hand, he was often involved in violent situations, and on the other, many of his songs preach against many social injustices. Here is one about the wonderful role of strong, black women. 

Crank it up!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYaR6LOnkak

Little somethin' for my godson Elijah and a little girl named Corinne

Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice

I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots

I give a holler to my sisters on welfare

Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care

And uh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot

When you come around the block brothas clown a lot

But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up

Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up

And when he tells you you ain't nuttin' don't believe him

And if he can't learn to love you, you should leave him

'Cause sista you don't need him

And I ain't tryin' to gas ya up, I just call 'em how I see 'em

You know it makes me unhappy (What's that)

When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy

And since we all came from a woman

Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman

I wonder why we take from our women

Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?

I think it's time to kill for our women

Time to heal our women, be real to our women

And if we don't we'll have a race of babies

That will hate the ladies, that make the babies

And since a man can't make one

He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one

So will the real men get up

I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

Aiyyo, I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing to me

He had me feelin' like black was tha thing to be

And suddenly tha ghetto didn't seem so tough

And though we had it rough, we always had enough

I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules

Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two

And I realize momma really paid the price

She nearly gave her life, to raise me right

And all I had to give her was my pipe dream

Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to tha bright screen

I'm tryin' to make a dollar out of fifteen cents

It's hard to be legit and still pay your rent

And in the end it seems I'm headin' for tha pen

I try and find my friends, but they're blowin' in the wind

Last night my buddy lost his whole family

It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity

It seems tha rain'll never let up

I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin' wet up

You know it's funny when it rains it pours

They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor

Said it ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is

It ain't no hope for tha future

And then they wonder why we crazy

I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby

We ain't meant to survive, 'cause it's a setup

And even though you're fed up

Huh, ya got to keep your head up

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier

Keep ya head up, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

And uh

To all the ladies havin' babies on they own

I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin' all alone

Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome

Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want 'em

'Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure

And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more

'Cause ain't nothin' worse than when your son

Wants to kno' why his daddy don't love him no mo'

You can't complain you was dealt this

Hell of a hand without a man, feelin' helpless

Because there's too many things for you to deal with

Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless

While the tears, is rollin' down your cheeks

Ya steady hopin' things don't all down this week

'Cause if it did, you couldn't take it, and don't blame me

I was given this world I didn't make it

And now my son's gettin' older and older and cold

From havin' the world on his shoulders

While the rich kids is drivin' Benz

I'm still tryin' to hold on to my survivin' friends

And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but