#that he cant even tell what the truth is anymore i got that

[cutemeat]

there's smth interesting abt mac's excuses getting smoother in Gets Cursed actually.... hm...

[hughiecampbelle]

The Boys Preference: Lashing Out And Regretting It

Requested: heyya! love how you write the boys characters you got them so well just like how they are on the show. if its okay and if its a good idea, may i request an imagine with the boys and homelander and their reaction after they and reader got into an argument, getting to the point where they told reader some hurtful things and told reader to leave because they dont need reader or reader is nothing to them/is useless. they just say this because they’re angry but reader takes their word to heart and did just as they said. now they cant find reader or finding it hard to locate reader. could be platonic or familial. thank you! - anon

A/N: Screaming I love this!!! I live for the angst!!! I'm so sorry I've been so slow with requests my loves! I hope you can understand! Feedback is always appreciated! 💜💜💜

Requests are open! 🔮

Butcher embarrassed you in front of everyone. Yelling and screaming, calling you useless, all because Samer got away. You were a little too occupied with Kimiko and Frenchie to realize, opting to save your friend than chase after him. Both Kimiko and Frenchie were eager to come to your aid, but he shut them down. He got in your face and he humiliated you, said the team was better off without you. You left without a word, ignoring your friends who begged you to stay. You left your phone behind, knowing they'd call and text, apologizing for him. You were good at your job, the best even. You and Butcher have worked together a long time. This was your first mistake in a long time and he couldn't let it go. You were done. You packed a bag and disappeared. When they realized they couldn't reach you, they split up, looking at your apartment and usual hang outs. No one had seen you. Suddenly Butcher can feel his heart in his stomach. Regret spread through his chest. Everyone was pissed at him, but no one was angrier at him. He never should have done what he did. Now you were gone. Who knows when you'd show up again?

Hughie regrets it immediately. He said what he said because he was angry, and stupid, and awful. You left the night of the Tek Knight party. You were a Supe, a powerful one, but for whatever reasons, your abilities weren't what they used to be. You argued with him, saying he shouldn't go in alone. It came out before he realized, before he could take it back. Right now, he was more powerful than you were. What right did you have telling him what to do when you couldn't do your single job? The look on your face, the horror and hurt, it made him sick to his stomach. He tried to apologize, to explain, but you were done. You threw your hands up, wishing Hughie and the rest a safe mission, but you were done. M.M. assured him it was better to go through with it than run after you, so he did, but the whole time he's thinking about you. He doesn't find you at the office or apartment. You disappeared. They tried to track you, find you, but they hit wall after wall. You'd show up again, they all told him, you just needed time. He'd never felt so guilty in his life.

Annie didn't think you were trying hard enough. It didn't seem like you cared anymore. Not about the team, or taking down Homelander. You seemed like you were just going through the motions. She meant to just talk with you, but things escalated pretty quickly. As soon as she said the words, she knew she was in the wrong. You were becoming a liability to everyone involved. If you were done, burned out, then just say that. Leave. But if you wanted to be a part of this team, if you really cared, you'd stop being so useless. Truth was, you were tired. You were tired of everything. There was no name calling or fighting back. You didn't have it in you. You got up and you walked out, pushing past Butcher and the rest who were just walking in. Annie goes to follow you, but you just pick up your pace. She calls and texts, but you never answer. Everyone says to give you your space, but she can't let it go. She shows up at your place which is completely empty. It fills her with so much shame. She apologizes profusely, asking you to come back, but she never gets a response.

M.M. is reactive and angry and he knows what he's done is wrong immediately after. He's been in charge of this team and so far all you've been is negative. You've lost your faith in the team. He understands, he gets it, but for the sake of everyone involved, he needs you to look on the bright side. If there isn't one, he needs you to make one. He ends up blowing up at you while you're waiting for Hughie as Webweaver. You tell him, Annie, and Kimiko that you have a bad feeling about this, a terrible feeling, but it was too late to do anything. Hughie was already inside. He knows now is not the time nor place, but he loses it. If you can't have faith in the mission, in your teammates, then you shouldn't be here at all. Your attitude problems only hurt morality and it was worse than useless, it was dangerous. Annie and Kimiko try to de-escalate the situation, but you've made up your mind: you're done. You leave without a second thought, wishing them a safe mission. Because they're all occupied, no one can really do anything about it. After his panic attack, Marvin sees just how right you were, but when he calls it goes right to voicemail. When it seems like you disappeared, he does everything he can to track you down. You don't want to be found, though.

Frenchie fights with you after Samer gets away. It was the three of you that were in charge of him and you let him get away. You didn't have any fight left in you. It was your fault. He must've been working on the cuffs for weeks. You trusted him and you let Kimiko get hurt. You know that's the reason he's so upset: because he had to cut off her leg to save her. She could have died. You know what she means to him. And yet, he goes a little overboard. Everyone thinks so, yelling at him to stop when he's gone too far. You were useless. You let Samer get away, you let Kimiko get hurt, you failed at every single job you were given. He can see the look of hurt on your face and finally stops, the room left in a heavy silence. You grab your coat and you leave. There was no use in fighting with him, he was right. Annie and Hughie called after you, pleading with you to stay, but you waved them off, storming out. When they don't hear from you, they all start to worry. You sent a single text to Frenchie before turning off your phone. Tell Kimiko I'm sorry. Feeling guilty, he goes to your place. You're not there though, and neither are your immediate belongings: wallet, keys, phone, some clothes. He has to do something to fix this, to make things okay.

Kimiko is really hurt you turned yourself in alongside Frenchie. The guilt was eating you alive, all the things you've ever done. It was horrible. It was unforgivable. When you come back alongside Butcher, who insists you and Frenchie can replicate the virus, you can't stand to look at her. She wants to talk with you, to ask you why, and eventually, when you get a little alone time, she does. Of course she would understand, your upbringings were cruel, brutal, and it lead you down this road, but you couldn't move on. You couldn't forgive yourself. Kimiko was pissed. Did you really think it was that easy? Did you really think you were the only one eaten alive by guilt and shame and self-hatred? She was signing at you furiously, as close to yelling as she could get. You were so smart, so intelligent, and yet you were wasting your talents wanting to rot away in prison! If you were going to throw your talents away and hurt the team and hurt her and become a useless nobody, then what was stopping you? Certainly not her, not any of your friends. You don't have it in you to fight back. You don't have anything left in you, not anymore. She tries to get your attention when you leave, but you don't look back. When none of them hear from you, Kimiko begs The Boys to do everything they can to find you. Please, she has to make things right.

Bonus! Homelander cuts people out of life left and right. Still, you never thought he would turn on you. And yet, when you don't know who the snitch is, when you're not closer to pinpointing the culprit, he loses it. His eyes even heat up, though he catches himself, calming himself down. Firecracker interrupts his yelling, foolishly, but in the end it saves you from hearing anymore about how pathetic, useless, stupid you are. That you don't deserve to be a part of The Seven, you don't deserve to be a Supe at all. He goes off with her, believing it was Webweaver all along. You don't know how much time you have, but you know, in order to avoid his wrath, you have to leave right away. Get some space between you so that he can cool off, if he ever does. You took it as a pretty clear way of saying that you were out, you lost his trust. You weren't a friend anymore, you weren't anything anymore. Firecracker had saved the day. Again. When he comes back, covered in blood and no closer to finding the narc than he was before, he goes looking for you. He searches the entire city, but you've disappeared completely. Vanished.

[disneyprincemuke]

the best of (instagram) * bother figures

they always somehow manage the ruin the pictures she looks good in

pairings: max verstappen x fem!driver, lando norris x reader, alex albon x fem!driver

notes: LMFAO guySSSS I TOOK SOOOO LONG TO GET PICS FOR THIS IF U DONT LIKE THIS IM GOING TO RETIRE AND U WONT GET ANY LOGAN AND MICK STUFF

(series masterlist) | (📂 smau specials)

rockysroads

👤 tagged lily zneimer

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1 and 67,929 others

kidy/n you might look at me and think you’re going crazy or something like that

view all 2,797 comments…

user1 rocky being a fnaf fan was NOT on my bingo card

rockysroads yeah i just love josh hutcherson a lot too :/

user2 no cause WHO are you leaning on in that picture

oscarpiastri interesting choice of pictures

user3 so ur telling me u know something

user4 is that u?? or…

user5 is that logan

user6 if i speak.

user7 secret boyfriend??

maxverstappen1 who did u crop out wtf

rockysroads none of ur business

maxverstappen1 excuuuuuse me for being curious

user8 wow even being wdc doesnt exempt u from y/n’s disrespect

rockysroads so true like he’s not special just bc he’s a 2 time wdc

logansargeant did u crop me out

user9 SPEAK YOUR TRUTH LOGAN

user10 STAND UR GROUND LFG

user11 am i crazy or is y/n soft launching u

user12 i might have to check myself into the mental hospital after this one i fear

rockysroads yo shut up

rockysroads posted on their story!

user13 who is this man

user14 r u softlaunching 💀

rockysroads what does that mean

user15 is that loGAN’S WATCH

user16 whats this softlaunch

rockysroads

liked by oscarpiastri, logansargeant and 67,898 others

rockysroads ive looked SO good lately ugh

view all 5,987 comments…

user17 WHY IS SHE ALWAYS CUTTING SOMEONE OUT OF THE PICTURE DO U HAVE A BF

user18 blink twice if youve got a bf…?

user19 why he hold u like that

user20 my working theory is that she’s out and about on dates and these are all different guys

landonorris

liked by rockysroads, oscarpiastri and 68,376 others

landonorris guys it wasnt a soft launch it was just me :/

view all 10,478 comments…

user21 oh. i see.

user22 not on my bingo card but ok

rockysroads why would u do this

landonorris to ruin ur life idk

user23 HELP WHY DID SHE CUT U GUYS OUT FROM THE PICTURE??

rockysroads they were ruining the picture :/

user24 IMF UVKINNNNN HOWLINGGGG

user25 if this one is u, who r the other guys in the photos???

rockysroads sighpie okay i'll expose myself then

rockysroads

👤 tagged alex_albon

liked by oscarpiastri, sebastianvettel and 45,693 others

rockysroads please stop speculating it's literally just alex :/ they just keep ruining my pictures with their boyness

view all 4,123 comments...

user26 why do you keep messing with us is this funny to you

rockysroads little bit actually

user27 honesty is the best policy ig?

rockysroads u get it fr user27

alex_albon i'll try not to be offended

rockysroads i appreciate that

maxverstappen1

👤 tagged rockysroads

liked by kellypiquet, rockysroads and 104,303 others

maxverstappen1 here's to the best addition the grid's ever seen

view all 50,498 others...

user28 no wtf she's the worst

kidy/n boy if u dont shut up

user29 wow guys its time to go to clown school i think

user30 real. i just know she's tired of us being delusional

rockysroads it's ok same haha

user31 i'm so tired of hER GAMES

user32 like i cant do this anymore

rockysroads u ALWAYS ruin my pictures

taglist: @wcnorris @treehouse-mouse @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mindless-rock @inejismywife @vellicora @leilanixx @meadhgbcavanagh @2bormaybenot @ironmaiden1313 @angsthology @cherry-piee @christianpulisic10 @elliegrey2803 @cashtons-wife @love4lando @sadg3 @bborra @a10vely-yutazen @mellowarcadefun @glitterf1 @megatrilss1885 @peqch-pie @gentlyweeps-world @woozarts

[dolliestfairy]

𝐊𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐅𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐧 ࿐ೀ

Jason Voorhees, Vincent Sinclair, Bo Sinclair, & Michael myers with Fem!Reader who is a Victoria Secret Models ✧ 𓏲๋ ⊹ ֢

𑁍 Tw : Obsessiveness, Possessiveness, Denial, Insecurities, Mentions of Killing someone/murdering somebody, the word 'rotten' and 'blood'. Mostly fluff. Reader Skintone is Unannounced.

❁ Authors&Note ; THIS TAKE WAY TOO LONG CUS I'M SO FCKING LAZY 'M SO SORRYY 😭 but yea i tried my best... what do you think? i'll make part two if you like this one :) check out my Masterlist to see more stuff like this with different fandoms and community! happy reading fairies 🧚🏻‍♀️𓏲๋ ⊹ ֢

ִֶָ 𖥔 ࣪ Jason Voorhees

• absolutely loved you with all of his dead heart and soul.

• and worship you as well, i mean how couldnt he? you're just soo beautiful! your beauty can even melt his own rotten heart.

• now we know that jason is a very insecure big boy, and sometimes he felt insecure and disgust at himself because he often thinks about the untruth that he doesnt deserve to have someone as pretty as you.

• now if you see him acting like this.. please reassure him that he's enough, because truth to be told; he really need it. he is just shy... you know?..

• but besides his insecurities he is absolutely over the heels for you, he also really support your carrier and would def 100% killed for you.

• if someone tryng to take down your carrier just tell him and he'll rip their heads off their own body.

• and again; this was all just for you, the only person he would love besides his mother, ever.

ִֶָ 𖥔 ࣪ Vincent sinclair

• 'another draw insipration huhhh?' thats what this big 'ol boy thoughts about you when he first saw you.

• absolutely would die & killed for you. and let me tell you this guy is also has a mad respect for you.

• its like princess treatment you know.. anything you want he'll gave you it.. you want a new beautiful wax sculpture of yours? no problem baby.. he'll make it for you just gave him 1 weeks! you want something but its outside of the city? no problem! bo would do it for him. if he doesnt want to? lester would be the one.

• loves seeing you pose for yourself. it really gave him more ideas. he sometimes love to think of you in a different type of clothes.

• also loooove your confiedence, really boost his energy. his place was usually has this gloomy and just plain walls and floor with a rotten blood scent 'dancing' through his room, but once you step your feet in then the atmosphere would just like.. change for the better.

• he is actually kind of insecure about himself, but everyday he get better and better once he got those bless-kisses from you into his cheeks, and he freeaking loves it!

ִֶָ 𖥔 ࣪ Bo Sinclair

• really cocky about it at first...

• but then turns out he was actually obsessed with you.

• he doesnt want to admit it though.. Hell, he would rather bury his own self alive than admitting his feelings towards you.

• its just that he felt like the feelings "love" is making him vulnerable and he just seems those as something as uneccesary and a waste of time.

• thats what he thought until he felt like he cant take it anymore as he just angrily confessed his feelings towards you with like zero preparations at all like it was all just... happen.

• this guy is a weirdo, but would never admit it anyway. and yeah... he likes you, a lot. but again.. He Would Never Say This Out Loud.

ִֶָ 𖥔 ࣪ Michael Myers

• doesnt really understand about the concept of those thing called "Victorian secret" you worked to.

• until he start observe and observe and observe.. stalking and stalking here and there.. trying to find the explanation.

• and when he finally got it, it was all just make sense to it. i mean you're a very irresistable person and it left him feeling so Struck-eye.

• but he would never admit this...

• it doesnt change anything at all tbh, the way he show about how much he loves you is that he doesnt hurt or even killed you.

• instead, at some rare occasion, you'll find yourself in your room with a strange yet pretty stuff besides it where it was covered in blood and shits.

• and yeah thats how this big dude show his scary intimidating love towards you <3 he's also always sometimes watching you sleep at night. i know its kinda creepy but uh.. at least he doesnt try to hurt you ig?.............

[bedoballoons]

Hello, could i request a Jealous! Lyney who has yet to confess to reader who receives gifts and letters during valentines day?

Awwwe valentines day!! One of my favourites because it's so lovely! Thank you so much for your request and I hope you enjoy <3

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ✿𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ✿─

{༻~Valentines from all but him~༺}

CW: Lyney gets jealous! Confessions and reader is well liked by many!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Lyney:

You stood there in shock as the mailbox spilled its contents onto the ground, absolutely overflowing with candies, love letters and even a rose...which was more like a group of random petals after being crushed by everything else. By the looks of it you had probably received almost thirty confessions...maybe more and you took care picking each one up, even the petals despite the fact you'd most likely wouldn't reciprocate their feelings. The least you could do was be kind about it.

Meanwhile, Lyney stood next to you...doing his best to keep face while you smiled at all the cutesy letters and blushed at all of the gifts you'd received. If only he could have confessed before valentine's day...then you wouldn't have received any letters at all because the two of you would be dating, or at least he hoped you'd be dating. Currently he was just your friend, a friend who was so desperately in love with you that he got jealous from little love notes. "My you've sure got a lot of confessions, are you...interested in anyone in particular?"

You set all the mailboxes contents in your bag carefully and smiled at Lyney, if only he knew you were holding out hope that he might like you they do..."Oh, well I suppose there is one guy I like alot...." You blushed slightly, wondering if maybe it was a bit to forward...or maybe not forward enough?

"Who?" Lyney felt a little sick upon hearing you liked someone, it was like his chances were getting slimmer with every second, at least if he knew he could compare himself and see if he could win you over...maybe he could show you some of his prototype magic tricks he'd never shown anyone else or rearrange the stars, he knew whoever you liked couldn't possibly do that.

"I cant tell you that!" You panicked, you couldn't let him find out you liked him, it could ruin your friendship...and you'd loose one of the most incredible people you'd ever met. "I mean...sorry I'm just not ready to share that yet. I really want to know he likes me back first..."

Lyney bit his lip, this was truly a dilemma...you liked someone and he didn't know who, he had a confession all ready for you, but he didn't want to upset you by being to forward...but he also didn't want to never try, then his eyes meeting yours for a moment and he just...couldn't let someone else have you, "Please, don't hesitate to tell me no...but I...I have a gift for you as well."

"What?" You felt your heart skip a beat, the world was suddenly spinning...you had dreamt of this and yet it didn't feel real, no you should stay calm, what if it was a platonic gift, but then again who gives platonic gifts on valentine's day?! You felt like you could explode...

Lyney reached into his pocket and pulled out paper butterflies that flew all around you... sprinkling heart confetti everywhere until the biggest of them landed in your hands... unfolding to reveal a letter...

To my dearest,

I must admit...I've written this letter at least a hundred times and I've just never had the confidence to give you it till now...I know, hows that possible when you're able to put on shows in front of thousands of people and put yourself in crazy situations that could have dire consequences...

Well none of those things terrify me as much as the idea of loosing you as a friend...but keeping my feelings to myself...I can't do it anymore. Maybe this is selfish of me...maybe you won't want to ever speak to me again..but I'm hoping I can convince you...to feel the same...

In truth, I've loved you for so long that I don't know if I could ever truly not love you now, you're everything I could ever want and so much more. So beautiful...that even now as I write this I'm having to stop myself from getting lost in my thoughts about you...

I could go on forever, but this letter has already gotten rather long so...I'll just say what I've been meaning to..

I love you.

-Lyney

You'd never read anything like it, nothing had ever come close to having so many feelings behind written words and you had to reread it a few times to actually make yourself believe it was really for you...that Lyney had really written it. "Lyney...I don't even...know what to say. I don't think I've ever felt anything close to this before..."

"It's perfectly fine if you don't accept-"

You cut him off with a hug, tears rolling down your cheeks from all the wonderful emotions you just couldn't control..."I do accept! I accept your feelings with all my heart Lyney, archons I love you so much, i-im so happy!"

He didn't know how to respond to such good news...so he just hugged you back, letting what you had just said sink in. This was...everything he had wished! "I love you too"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚Have a nice day*⁠.⁠✧

[pubby-mill]

been dating the same cis guy since before i accepted that i was trans, and hes also straight so i was nervous to tell him. the truth is even though ive been out online ive been hiding the truth from him, which isnt fair to either of us. anyway the other day i broke down crying on the phone and told him i cant be his quirky nb gf anymore, im a guy and ive got to do something about it or i will explode. I told him i didnt tell him because i was scared he wouldnt still love me. things got wuiet then he said this,

"well, ill always love you no matter what. But even if i didnt, and you had to chose between being loved by me and loving yourself the answer is clear. Your going to have to do what you need to do to love yourself. My comfort comes second, if your a dude your a dude and theres nothing you can do about it. You cant spend your whole life running from who you are, and id rather get to know the real you then keep being attracted to who you feel you have to pretend to be"

he then asked if i was going to get into call of duty now

[kumezyzo]

thinking about how lowkey toxic a relationship with corpse would be....

warning, this is very angsty. to the point where i lowkey shed a tear writing this. and that doesnt usually happen lol.

gn!reader (as far as im aware) and sorry for the typos if there are any... 😁

anyway, enjoy! or dont :) m.list

it would prolly just start with you two hanging out. going over to his apartment, maybe hooking up once in a blue moon. but you two mainly cuddling and spending the days together in the dark rooms of his apartment.

he would try to hide from you how much pain he was in when you were around. but it wasnt hard to miss how he would wince at tiny movements and never be able to rest with you in his arms.

and when it got really bad, he hated how you helped him get around with no questions. how you so simply wanted to help him out because you cared. how you would even help him shower, bring in his groceries, cook for him, feed him if you had to.

he hated it because you cared more than anyone had before and you werent even dating. he wished you would just give up on him because it was too much. he wished you would just finally tell him 'hey... we need to talk' because maybe then it would be easier to hate you. but the truth is, he could never hate you. not anymore.

"so... you dont want to be in a relationship?" you asked quietly, confused more than anything. you look at his scarred face and messy head of dark curls. "...why?"

he sighed, "because this is too much," you scoffed, only more confused than before.

"what is?" you looked at him like he was crazy.

"...you," he said lowly, his voice resonating deep in his chest as he ran a hand over his face. you felt your heart pang as you diverted your eyes from him. you pursed your lips and your breathing got heavier. "well- not you- just-... this isnt worth the trouble im putting you through. that i will put you through."

"thats not for you to decide," you tell him, shaking your head at him. "I can choose when to call it quits and so far, im still fucking here."

you couldnt help but be offended. who wouldnt be after the person you care about is pushing you away. as far as you know, its unfair and incredibly ignorant.

"yea but how long until youre not?" he asked back angrily. "how long until you realize you can be doing so much more than taking care of me?"

"i dont want to be doing more! i want to be with you!" you tell him incredulously. he sighs and wets his lips, shaking his head at you. "do you just not want to be with me?"

he looks at you as if you had just said the earth was flat, "of course i do."

"so then why cant we?" you ask in complete exasperation. "what the fuck is the problem?"

"youre too fucking good for me!" he yelled back stepping closer to you. he threw his arms up in defeat, "is that what you want me to tell you? cause its fucking true. and i love you too much to let you rot away beside me."

your expression softens as your eyes dart back and forth between his eyes. in that moment you were speechless. and not because he had told you that he loved you, no you already knew that from his actions. it was the way he had said it. with more emotion than you could have expected from him.

"what if i wanted to 'rot away beside you'?" you asked him quietly.

"then you'd be an idiot," he says simply. "because we both know you have better shit to do. and better people to do that for."

you inhale deeply and release it as another exasperated sigh, "i love you," you say, emphasizing every word. "and its up to me whether or not i stay with you."

"and its up to me whether or not i want you here," he says crossing his arms. you feel you heart pang again, causing painful tingles to run down your arms and settle deep in your palms. "you need to run while you can. fucking get out of here before this gets more fucked up and shitty." you watched as he pointed between you two.

you step closer to him, "what are you so afraid of?" you plead to him with your eyes. just for this moment, for him to open up to you like how he had done hundreds of times before. "are you that scared I'll leave you cause you're what? 'too much'?"

he looked you in the eye, hesitating to speak for a moment. "i-..." he takes a deep breath. "yeah..."

you step closer, "youre not. not now. and it will only get easier." he starts shaking his head, backing away from you. "yes, it will! and if it ever gets to that point-"

"when it gets to that point," he tried correcting.

"no, if. because everything is an if," you say angrily. "you have no clue what its gonna be like. no fucking clue! so let us have this. while it lasts."

he sighs for what seems like the hundredth time that night, "i cant risk that."

"risk what? heartbreak? as if neither of us have gone through that before hundreds of times," you scoff.

"yeah, but ive never been heartbroken over someone like you."

"so then we hope that doesnt happen," you're trying. you're trying so hard to hold onto him. but your grasp is slipping. and he's trying to shake you loose.

"i cant take my chances," he shakes his head. "not this time."

"jesus fucking chirst!" you yell, tears welling up in your eyes. "let me love you! let me be with you! let me take care of you!"

"i cant let you do that! dont you fucking get it?!" he asks stepping closer to you until hes not even a foot away. "i dont want to see you leave! i cant have you around, cause when you do leave, i dont know what I'll do to myself!"

you stare into his eyes as your own vision starts to get blurry from unshed tears. you sniffle, keeping you gaze strongly on him. and you try one final time.

"so dont let me leave now, please," your voice comes out like a whisper. he swallows harshly and closes his eyes to stop his own tears from forming. "i dont want to move on from you when we havent even given it a chance."

"you'll have to," his voice matches yours. he opens his eyes and a tear falls as he looks at you. "fucking find someone who can actually hold you at night. who can make you dinner, who can give you a shower when you cant, who can actually fuck you when you want."

you tried to scoff, but it came out more like a sob, "i dont need that. i need you," your voice weak from the burn in the back of your throat. unshed tears welling up more.

"no you dont," he says, stepping closer. then leaning his forehead on yours. he closes his eyes, "please, go. for me."

your body racks out a sob, gasping for air to get out your next sentence. "if i leave, im just gonna wait for you."

he shakes his head against you, "no. no you wont."

"I'll wait until you realize you do deserve proper love." he continues to shake his head, pretending as if your words arent punching him right in the heart. "ill wait even if it takes you twenty fucking years."

"do you really think I'll survive twenty more years?" he asks with a laugh. you giggle back sadly, pursing your lips at the posibility of him dying. "do you really think I'll find my self-worth that soon?"

"I'll wait as long as i need to."

and you leave. with such a heavy heart but not without more tears than you could have imagined. and you try to move on. not easily but you put in an effort.

he writes songs with lyrics dedicated to you. written for you. whether its in a song about how he only want you at his side or how he has one person he will always be loyal to or about how his exes tried to chance him but one was different. you listen to it and somehow know its you.

you try to find a new partner to fill that void. but he will always be in your mind. as the right person but at the wrong time. the one that got away, if you will.

i like how angsty this was. anywayy, hope you enjoyed 😁😁 -nony

[cod-dump]

great now you need to do teen ghost getting a puppy.

"ah yes. puppy will help him pick up chicks."

"nik, both our kids are gay."

(or bisexual. i cant tell if alex is with gaz or farah. or both)

Bastard (teen!Ghost au)

———

Nik only told them he was coming home with a surprise for them.

Well, the surprise was mainly for Simon but he assured John that all of them would enjoy it equally. John wasn’t sure if he should be worried about what the man was bringing home. Simon had already gave himself a headache with how quickly his thinking about the surprise got out of hand. John had given him aspirin and told him to lay down, which Simon immediately fought against.

“Si, I’ll get you when he gets here. Go lay down.”

Simon whined, John certain he was too excited to even attempt to relax but he insisted. Kyle stepped in and ended up dragging Simon upstairs, John waiting until the disappeared from sight before he went to the living room to sit. He would love to believe that Nik wouldn’t bring anything crazy home but given the man’s track record John couldn’t be certain.

“So… No idea what he’s bringing?”

Farah sat next to him, she was so mature already. It was like having a third adult in the house instead of another teenager. The thought made John’s heart ache, knowing her maturity was a result of what she had to deal with.

“Not a clue. God— He’s going to destroy my house. I just know it.”

Farah hums in thought at John’s words before she grinned, “I bet he has a dog.”

John stiffened, “That’s specific…”

“He said the surprise was mainly for Simon. Ya know, your son who has been begging for a dog for a few years.”

God no-

“Rather random timing for that.”

“Not really. Simon had gotten his third paycheck from that job at the mall he has, and he went on another tangent about how much he wants dog last night. He’s responsible, can take care of a pet, and you know it would make him very happy.”

John blinks before he turns his head and gives Farah a glare, “You’re in on it.”

She doesn’t even try to deny it, “Yup. C’mon, John. Simon deserves a dog.”

“The mess, Farah!”

“You know Simon would take care of it!”

John groans, leaning back on the couch as Farah glares. He didn’t get Simon a dog because he was afraid he would end up having to care for it. Though Simon has shown that he can be responsible and he’s been doing well at his job, so that wasn’t much of a excuse anymore.

The truth was, he was scared to get another dog. After what happened with his old hound John swore he would never get another dog. But this dog wasn’t for him, it was for Simon.

“You’re right…”

Farah puffed up in victory, patting John’s shoulder before she takes out her phone and starts texting. John stares, that fucker-

“You should go get Simon.”

To be played by an eighteen year old girl. He felt proud.

Getting Simon to sit still was a hassle, he kept trying to get up and go to the door. Kyle and Farah had to sit on either side of him to keep him down. John couldn’t help but find it adorable, it’s been awhile since he had seen him so excited for a surprise.

John prepared himself when he heard a car door shut, Simon immediately vibrating with pure excitement. John opened the door, ready to freeze Nik where he stood with a glare, but he melted as soon as he saw the fluffy bundle of joy in his arms. Nik was visibly smug and rather proud of himself.

“Bastard,” John muttered out with no heat behind it.

Nik just grinned before he placed a quick kiss to his cheek before moving past John and into the house. Kyle squealed and Simon just made very quiet, squawking noises. Yep, John wasn’t going to be able to top this one.

John closed the door and rounded the corner to see Nik place the German Shepherd puppy on the living room floor, Kyle and Simon practically melting off the couch to lay on the floor on either side of it. Neither boy made a coherent sentence, in fact not a single sound they made sounded like a word from any language that John knew. His heart swelled at the sight as the boys cooed and just lost their minds over the puppy.

John walked up to Nik and leaned against his shoulder, he honestly didn’t know what to say. Simon made a sob-like sound when the puppy wandered over to him, allowing him to pick it up. He was grinning broadly when the sweet thing gave him timid kisses to his face. God, he was so happy. He hated himself for not letting him get a dog sooner.

Simon noticed the collar of the puppy with a tag, twisting the collar around to look at it. When Simon froze, his face dropping suddenly, John’s heart skipped a beat as well did Nik tense up.

“Riley…”

“Had to make sure you knew he was your dog.”

Simon blinked, tears welling up quickly before he buried his face in the puppy’s fur. In a instant, Simon was handing the puppy, Riley, to Kyle before he stood and nearly tackled Nik in a hug. Nik hugged him back instantly, one arm across his back and a hand cradling the back of his head. Simon sobbed into Nik’s chest, the man kissing the top of his head as he held him.

“I love you,” John almost didn’t hear Simon’s voice with it being muffled by Nik’s chest on top of it sounding so small.

Nik pressed another kiss to Simon’s head, “I love you, too, kid.”

It took a moment, but Simon finally pulled away from Nik, wiping his face. Sometimes, in moments like this, he doesn’t look like he grew up at all. Simon surprised John with a hug as well, giving him a good squeeze before parting and going back to the floor. Kyle whined when Simon took Riley from him but made no fight to keep him.

Nik stepped away into the hall, John naturally following him. The man wipe his eyes, John stepping over to him and pulling him into a hug. Nik melted against him, holding him.

“I’m not going to be able to beat that come Christmas time.”

Nik laughs, pulling away so he could look at John’s face, “Oh, I didn’t mean to upstage you, my liege.”

John swats Nik’s shoulder, the man snorting as he steps away, “Bastard.”

“Two times a bastard, all in one day. Hmm, wonder if I can make it three-“

John rolls his eyes, damn this man, “Behave… you did a good job.”

“Hmm?”

“You made Simon’s… everything. He looked so happy…”

“Thought I fucked up with the name for a moment there.”

“Honestly? I thought so, too.”

John pulls Nik back close to him, pressing a kiss to Nik’s lips. Nik held him, leaning into him as he did. They broke the kiss, resting their foreheads together. It was silent in the hall, the only sound coming from the boys still going insane over Riley and Farah laughing.

“So… do I get a reward for my big success?”

John smacks Nik’s shoulder, lowering his voice, “Behave!”

Nik laughs and John grins. Damn this man.

[excalibur-gone-missing]

Paring: Dino x fem!reader

Requested: no

Genre: angst, fluff

Warning(s): cheating, angst, sadness, mentions of pregnancy (do inform me if there's more)

Summary: You were the light guiding Chan for the most of his life. now that you are not there anymore, he cant help but feel your absence as he reminisces his past and all those times you were there to ground him no matter what.

Word count: 6k

Other works

disclaimer: this is not the exact representation of the subjects in real life. I just use them for my inspiration.

special thanks to @spamgyu for helping me out 😭

a/n: I would greatly appreciate it if all of you could take a moment to comment on this fic. As an author, I find great value in your feedback, as it allows me to better comprehend my readers, and I thoroughly enjoy interacting with all of you. Constructive criticism is always welcome, so don't hesitate to talk about this fic or send me an ask.

[permanent taglist] [only for those interested, don’t fill the form otherwise]

Chan's life was determined before he had a chance to consider it. His family wasn't well-off. They struggled from early on to get food on their plates. He knew from when he was a child that he had to support his siblings because his parents refused to do so.

So that’s exactly what he did. He got into SNU with a full scholarship, secured a good job, and built a stable life with six figures coming in annually to his bank account, providing enough money to support his siblings’ dreams.

But what did it all get him?

Nothing!

He sacrificed his teens and his twenties because his father felt the need to be a raging alcoholic, and now he stands in the middle of Gangnam in his beautiful flat with its polished floors. But he lacks the most important thing in life: happiness.

To be truthful, he lacks a lot of things, but happiness takes the cake. If someone asks him, he lacks friends too. But our dearest Boo Seungkwan would like to disagree about that. In Chan’s defense, friends are absolutely not equal to friend (just a difference of ‘s’, as our dear ‘Kwanie’ said. Plus, his multiple personalities make up for the said lack of ’s’, which further raises the question as to why the man does not go for a checkup, as it seems he has self-diagnosed DID. We shall never know).

Chan is happy about his brothers doing what they like, though. It’s not that hard to not be happy when he literally raised them. Sacrifices need to be made, he has realized; some just make more than others, and there is nothing one can do about that. He accepts that he is indeed grateful for the friend he has made, the one who has stayed with him and accepted him as he is.

Now, it may sound sappy, and Chan swears he will never tell this to Seungkwan, but he has indeed helped him through the thick and thin of life. All those late-night drinking sessions and ugly crying have brought him to this stage in life where he thinks of the boy as more of a family than anyone else. He helped him when Chan’s life was falling apart, and he also was there to scold him back to the right track when no one believed in him, not even himself.

Although he lacks happiness, he is fine with that (he at least has Boo Seungkwan). He can live with being sad; he already has!

This is where you came in, the reason for Chan’s genuine smiles, from back in college to five years ago. It was a pretty serious relationship that you both had. Chan loved you. He had plans of making you his wife. For God’s sake, he was in a relationship with you for almost ten years! But somewhere along the way, he messed up. He became the exact thing he had hated all his life.

He became a person like his father.

You, being the nice kind, tried your best to stop him from spiraling down the rabbit hole of bad habits. But alas, it takes two to tango, and if he didn’t want to be better, no one, not even God himself, could do it for him.

It took losing you to realize how messed up his life had become.

--

“Chan, I’m heading out. Dinner’s in the fridge—please actually eat it this time. We don’t need two meal skippers in this household,” you quipped, watching as Chan chuckled and gave you a quick giggle inducing peck before returned his attention to the document he’d been typing for the past hour.

“Sure thing, Your Majesty. Your command shall be dutifully followed!” he exclaimed with a mock salute, drawing out another laugh from you. With a playful ruffle of his hair and another peck on his cheek, you left the apartment to begin your night shift at the hospital.

Chan, unlike you, has just started his new job after completing his MBA. It’s been tough, but he’s persevered, and soon enough, you both will be able to enjoy the luxuries he could only dream of growing up.

Your fifth anniversary is approaching faster than ever, and now Chan finally has the means to fulfill your dream of a trip to Europe. The pressure of this new job is more than the last one, but getting those tickets would be a walk in the park now.

Quickly finishing his document and mailing it to the head of the department, he immediately goes to check those flight ticket prices and hotel prices. He releases a happy sigh the minute he realizes that it’s exactly what he had expected the prices to be. So, without wasting a single moment, he buys those tickets. He knew this gift would make you happier than ever.

The next month, you had been notified about the expensive purchase only because you had to get a leave from your job, and you obviously can’t disappear for two weeks unannounced. He, in reality, had no plans to inform you about anything, but he couldn’t interfere with your job either.

But at the end it was worth it, the look on your face the minute you were informed about the trip. Oh, if only Chan could frame it and keep it away from the world, only if he could keep you near him and never let you go. But he didn’t think of that then. No, he was happy he had told you earlier.

The happiness radiating off you as you kept going on and on about the clothes you needed to buy, all the foods you were going to try once there. It was what helped him keep going throughout the day, even though the work became tiring with every passing minute.

If only he could have stopped time and lived in that moment forever.

—

One thing he never realized is how demanding his job would be once he got into a higher position. The calls kept him up at night; they came at the most ungodly of times, and Chan was expected to pick them up, because he always did.

You never complained; it was fine by you. If anyone understood him, it was you. Both of you had highly demanding jobs, and nothing could beat the expectations your colleagues had on you both.

But what he had not counted on was those calls interrupting your trip. During the entirety of your anniversary, he was glued to that phone of his, never once able to leave it. It was one problem at the office or the other.

Again, you kept your mouth shut, enjoying your own company as your boyfriend busied himself with work in the hotel room.

That was the last trip you both had gone on. You figured that it was too much to ask from someone who had so much work to do. But still, you understood his hunger to do better in life. You understood that someone had to compromise in the relationship and wholeheartedly accepted that it had to be you.

Coming to think of it, it was not supposed to be like this. Never! Both of you were supposed to communicate and figure out what your relationship was supposed to mean. But somewhere along the line, it just became regular sex and nothing else. When you talked about this with your friends, all of them had the same reaction.

‘Leave him!’ they had told you, ‘he wouldn’t change, he prefers his job more than you.’

It was a regular thing now. But you were scared. All the years you had invested in the relationship, you never wanted it to become what it had. You had held out hope that one day Chan would notice you. He would realize he had a girlfriend who also needs his attention as much as his job.

It didn’t take too long for those dreams to come true, though.

—

One night, you sat down with the man, asking him about the changes in his life. You begged him to look your way beyond the times he made love to you. It was an intense conversation, filled with words that neither of you actually meant, but hurt you both equally.

That night brought you both another few years, or that’s what you think. It became better, both your lives and the relationship. You both would talk more, spend time with each other, laugh with each other, and go about your days with lovesick smiles on your faces. Although none of your jobs became less hectic, it still was as painstaking as ever, but the scenery in your shared home was peaceful. It was both of your comfort zones.

What neither of you realized, this peace that you both had brought back into your lives, was fickle. In order to keep it like that, both of you had to put in some effort.

—

It slowly became visible to both of you how much more effort this relation of yours needed. Both of you saw the way your paradise was crumbling down bit by bit. Nights became lonely for you. Chan, being the perfectionist he is, would be stuck up in his office until the rays of sun hit the glass windows, reminding him of the fact that he indeed had stayed the night in his office. The hectic job took everything away from him. It stripped him of his identity, and slowly it was also stripping his happiness and sanity away. It was like the darker times had hit both of you again.

It was then that he suddenly passed out on the streets due to extreme fatigue and was brought immediately into the nearest hospital, which was the one you worked at. Lo and behold, you were the nurse on emergency room duty that day. This was the first time you saw the love of your life in that state; you saw what this new job had done to him. How it had taken this happy and healthy person you knew and turned him into this sick, unhappy, and overworked person. Your helplessness mocked you in your face. At night, you stayed by his side after the doctors had given their verdict about him being too overworked. You took care of him like never before, making sure to make him take an ample amount of rest.

Sadly, the industry is ruthless. As soon as the employers became aware that their once highly valuable employee’s usefulness had diminished, they ultimately opted to terminate him. Although Chan claims there were some more internal politics involved in this sacking, there was no way he could have evaded it.

Both of you soon realized it was the best thing that could have happened to him. While being the worst experience he could ever go through in his corporate career.

You stayed by his side through every hurdle though. You never once let him feel the need to be more than what he already was. But life was giving both of you a hard time.

It took Chan another month to get a new job. But only this time, it was a better, more important position in a better company. This is when life took off for both of you again. With Chan back on track, equipped with the newfound knowledge of not working more than necessary, he was on a roll. Almost unstoppable.

This change also affected your relationship, but positively this time. Chan and you would go on constant dates and enjoy each other’s company way more than ever.

—

It was nearing your seventh anniversary. Both of you had talked about getting married and starting a family enough times for him to know this was the perfect time for him to propose.

So, on the day of your seventh anniversary, he had planned to take you to this fancy Italian place. He claimed that you deserved only the best. No one could ever argue with him about that. You, along with Seungkwan, had been by his side for so long that he had forgotten the time when he didn’t have you both. Nothing, absolutely nothing, would change that fact. With that it brought him to the most important question of that year.

“But what ring do I buy her?” the stressed boy asked his best friend.

“Wow, I wasn’t informed about the fact that y/n suddenly had become my girlfriend!” Seungkwan exclaimed sassily.

“Dude, you can calm down. She is still my girl, ain’t no way you are getting her. Find a girl of your own,” the shorter boy retorted back.

Why am I being asked about her preference for a ring then, huh?”

“Because she said, and I quote, ‘if you buy me an expensive engagement ring that I can’t even wear out because it looks too expensive, I will castrate you’,” Chan said seriously, bringing out a seal-like laugh from the back of Seungkwan’s throat.

“Do something meaningful for her then, you dumb fuck,” making Chan almost cringe at the scolding. Without letting the boy talk, his best friend continued, “Put in some effort and do something that shows you care, without having to spend a copious amount of money. I have no idea what you should do, but bro, if it were up to me, a girl would for sure get a ring no matter what!”

Now, this made him think. It made him think hard. But even after all that thinking, he couldn’t come up with a good idea for an alternative for an engagement ring.

It was not until the next Saturday when he was sitting on the couch waiting for you to choose a movie for the weekly movie night, did he stumble upon the perfect idea for a ring? Like any usual person, the man was scrolling through TikTok when he found out that one could make rings out of clay.

Perfect!

If you didn’t want a diamond ring, you shall get a clay ring. For you might catch the sun lacking one day, but not Chan, never Chan!

—

This kick-started the learner phase of Chan’s life once again. He would visit the pottery classes every week because he needed to excel at the art to mold the perfect ring. One suitable for daily wear and also because this hobby brought him more peace than ever.

He made some friends here; they were fun to hang out with. You had met all these new people flooding into his life. He would parade about the with his hand on you showing you off proudly.

“Who wouldn’t?” he would ask whenever someone pointed it out. This question had the power to make him start ranting about you at any given point. So much so that after a point, people stopped asking him about you, no matter the context.

Because, oh boy, was he in love.

--

It took him one year and some friendships to finally complete learning everything there was to learn about pottery. In the course of that time, he had littered your shared house with his creations.

Oh, you wanted to buy a new bowl because you saw it on Instagram? No fear, Chan shall make it this instant. Oops, your favorite coffee mug broke? Chan has come to your rescue with a better, scientifically cute, usable, and overall better mug for you.

The creative spark of the boy never dimmed down, nor did his extroverted nature. Every other day, he would be out with his new friends, so much so that even Boo Seungkwan noticed. You both had chats with each other about the changes in Chan’s life over a cup of tea whenever Seungkwan would come over.

To say that you both were happy about him enjoying life would be an understatement. You had seen the pain the man had gone through in his life. It only made sense for him to have the best of the best experiences when he had the opportunities.

But again, as people say, one should do everything in moderation. It seems that Chan could do nothing in moderation. He would work himself half to death. In this case too, he started drinking and partying himself half to death. The outings that were done to unwind after a long hard day became parties that were making the day even longer.

The friends that helped him overcome the pressuring environment of his office became the ones who would pressure him to go way out of his comfort zone, all for the wrong reasons. People say twenties are times when people experiment with their life and gain new experiences.

The same was applicable for Chan too, the only difference being he was learning different ways of spiraling down holes that are hard to climb up from. The hilarious part being, these were the holes that he had carefully dug out himself.

It’s not like you never stopped him, because you did. The minute you realized these new friends were pushing Chan’s limits in the wrong way, you didn’t waste a second to tell him.

“I think you should calm down with this partying and stuff. It’s unbelievably bad for your health,” you had told him one night when he had come home drunk out of his wits.

“I know how to have fun, not my fault you don’t!”

The boy had shouted at you before collapsing on the couch. Realizing it was a waste of time to even try and talk to him in this state, you tried again the next day when he was far more sober.

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?” you ask Chan, to which he shakes his still-hungover head and winces. Sighing, you continue, “Chan, you can’t let them get to you like this. Moderation is the key here. Please don’t overdo anything, I beg you!” You hugged him, trying to coax him to understand where you were coming from. He obviously hugged you back and promised you to keep your advice in mind the next time they asked him out.

He didn’t. He swears he tried to. But the peer pressure got to him. Before he could even back off, they had already hauled his ass to the bar. He never wanted to disappoint you. So he chose to accept the most coherent plan his drunk mind could formulate: the plan to lie to you.

—

Your seventh anniversary had come and gone a year ago. The only gifts he could provide you that day were a fancy dinner and a solid promise that he would indeed get you the greatest ring you will have ever seen in your whole life. Now the time had come. The time to prove his skills. Those skills he spent an entire year honing.

During this cute date at home, he produced a small wooden box from his pocket. After you had enjoyed the homemade meal he had whipped up for you and you both were cuddling on the balcony, he proposed to you with stars in his eyes and hope in his heart.

He shocked you with the ring. Like your relationship, it was delicate, yet made with lots of love and care. You obviously said yes without hesitation. After all, you loved this man, and he loved you too. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could ever go wrong if he was with you.

--

It seems that no matter how hard you try, life always seems to have other plans for you.

The month right after you accepted his proposal, you received an invitation for a two-year-long workshop in Germany. Such opportunities don’t come every day, so you were elated.

Without wasting any time, you called Chan, informing him about the opportunity you had received. But like every coin, this great opportunity had its drawbacks too.

With the prospect of studying and learning under some of the greatest doctors and nurses came the hardship of leaving your fiancé behind. Chan didn’t like this one bit. He could barely stand to be away from you for a second, let alone two years.

But seeing the excitement on your face and hearing the joy in your voice, he couldn’t bring himself to ask you to stay back. He knew you had sacrificed a lot for him, compromised at times when you could have been happy if he hadn’t made decisions that ruined his life.

--

So he put on a happy smile and told you that if you didn’t take this opportunity, he would pack your bags himself and kick you out of the house. This assurance gave you the confidence you needed. Without wasting any time, you sent an email accepting the proposition to join the workshop.

The next five months passed in a whim. During this time, he had asked you to marry him before you went away, but with a peaceful and determined smile, you had told him, “I will marry you once I come back, like that, we won’t have to spend too much time as newlyweds. Plus, I will be smarter than you too.”

“You are always smarter than me. I can never surpass you,” was the answer you had received, along with a sweet kiss, making your heart swell like a balloon.

Life was starting to feel better again.

Chan had finally made his boundaries very clear. The boy felt extremely guilty for lying to you, though he never confessed to you about doing so. He made sure his actions proved his redemption. He ensured to let these new friends of his know that going out too much with them was affecting him in ways that he didn’t appreciate. Although they did sometimes win against him and force him to go out, it was not as bad as it was before.

—

Soon the day came when you had to fly away to Germany. To say that Chan was sad would be an understatement. He was devastated when he saw you off at the airport with Seungkwan. He had cried the whole way home, making Seungkwan scold him as if he were a baby.

“Now if you keep behaving like this, do you think she would be happy?” the older boy questioned him.

“No, but I miss her already,” Chan replied in a whisper while wiping his tears harshly.

“Be nice, be happy for her. You can talk to her all the time. It’s not the Stone Age,” Seungkwan said with an exasperated sigh, making the younger one stop his sad boy antics at once.

But it was not like Chan was okay. He started working overtime at the office, desperately waiting for you to call him when you got free. And call you did, religiously at six o’clock in the evening.

You both made the decision to talk at that time, regardless of any circumstances. This went on for six months. He tried his best to follow the routine of overworking himself before you would call and save him from killing himself with work.

But with all these works, his willpower also started to crumble down. The old ways came back to him. Before he realized it, he became a party animal. He made new friends at these clubs and bars he started frequenting. He thought you wouldn’t pick up. But you did. You saw how your boyfriend was slowly changing. It was not that obvious at first, but slowly you realized he was getting drowned with work.

Being the lovely girlfriend you were, you asked Seungkwan to take care of him. The boy tried his best to do so. But alas, he was not that successful.

It seemed to both of you that Chan had spiraled back into his overworking session. What you both were unaware of was that it was more than that.

Chan was not just overworking; he was over-drinking and over partying too.

—

One faithful night; he met Eva, his pottery class instructor. She was pretty. They talked the whole night, catching up like old buddies and having fun.

She brought a change to his life again. She started being there for him during times when he would lose himself. She was a great friend, so great that in no time you had the chance to meet her.

You had come back for a week’s vacation. Seungkwan thought it was important for all the friends to meet up because it had been a long time since he had seen you. This meeting was supposed to consist of only you, Chan, and Seungkwan. But Chan asked to bring in another friend he would like you to meet. It was Eva.

You liked her; she was nice. You wanted to be friends with her. Her sweet personality was something no one could resist, a great example of a sweetheart through and through.

For once, you were actually proud of your boyfriend’s choices in life. Your visit was over even before it had started. Suddenly, the week was over, and you were packing your bags to return to Germany.

This time, Chan was not as scared of things going downhill anymore. He knew that within a few more months, you would come back, and he could happily start the wedding preparations. He also knew he had a solid group of friends to have his back. Most importantly, he had learned the art of living without you. Not that it was happy, but now he could enjoy spending time by himself.

—

Time flew faster than ever. In no time, it was Chan’s birthday. Your program would finish that same month, so sadly you couldn’t visit him. All you could do was video call him that morning and congratulate him for hitting thirty before you, to which he grumpily replied, “Your birthday is in six months; I’m gonna make it hell for you.”

“Whatever, old man, get dressed. Don’t you have a job to go to?” You laughed at his grumpy face while teasing him even more.

“I miss you,” Chan suddenly called out, pouting.

“You will meet me next month, Channie. Don’t be this sad now.” Although that did make him happy, the thought of spending yet another birthday without you was saddening. But it’s not like it was going to last. You would be back in no time.

That thought put a smile on his face. Soon enough, he was skipping around the house cooking breakfast and answering numerous calls from his friends and family for being a thirty-year-old now.

Seungkwan and Eva had also planned a not-so-surprise party for him. It consisted of meeting in front of his office and dragging his ass to the bar to drink and have fun. Although the day was spent slaving away in front of the computer, that night he had a lot of fun. He talked to Seungkwan and Eva for hours, and the three of them were pretty intoxicated when they left.

The only thing he remembered from that night was the fact that Eva, being the one out of the three with the most alcohol tolerance, was the one who had made sure that all of them returned home safely.

There was just one slight problem. Eva started to avoid him. Now, in any other situation, he would not have noticed it, but the text the next morning asking him if he remembered anything from the night before had him confused. When he asked her what it was all about, she refused to answer him, opting to ignore him instead.

He had no recollection of the night before, and Seungkwan didn’t either, so it was a mystery to both of them. But then again, his gut told him the problem was bigger than what he thought it was and might come to haunt him if not solved now.

So he did the most sane thing he could think of: He asked her to talk to him about it. He knew the wedding preparations would start the minute you came back, so he wanted to make sure to fix any problem that might affect you both before it blasted out of proportion.

—

“You kissed me,” was the first thing Eva told him after sitting down, making Chan’s heart drop to his stomach.

“Huh, but I don’t remember anything,” Chan retorted.

“It’s not about you remembering or not, it really happened, Chan, and I hate it,” she said, her voice almost breaking.

“Hey, calm down. We were both intoxicated, and we didn’t do it on purpose. Any other time and we wouldn’t have done it,” this seemed to have little to no effect on improving the girl’s mood.

On the other hand, Chan’s blood pressure was rising. The last thing he needed was a big mistake from which he could never turn back. With you coming back from Germany in less than a week, he needed everything in his life to be sorted out, especially something that could jeopardize a relationship with so much love in it.

“Chan, I think I like you. I’m not sure when it happened, or how it did. But I like you. So please don’t tell me I wouldn’t have done it if we weren’t intoxicated.”

The impact of this statement was so immense that it completely shattered his world, leaving him in disarray. It was true that he liked Eva. What kind of feelings he actually held for her was a mystery to him.

So, in the spur of the moment, he kissed her.

Just a few minutes ago, it was bothering him, but once he took the step, he didn’t feel what he was supposed to. He didn’t feel the disgust and hatred towards himself he should have. It felt like sneaking out of his house when he was not supposed to. It made a rush of excitement run through his body. He could feel the adrenaline rush through him.

He felt alive. maybe it was the feeling of doing something forbidden or it was something else, he didn’t know.

But, that night, they did more than kissing.

—

Once you were back, it was all sunshine and rainbows in the first few weeks. You both were happy, spending all your time together and having fun relishing in each other’s presence.

But it didn’t take you long to notice the changes. He would be stuck late at the office but come back home surprisingly lively, or those random texts from his brother late at night asking him to come over, or even the most obvious of them all, the vibrant smell of floral perfume that you never wear.

But you held out. You had promised to give him a chance to explain himself if he came clean to you. But that day never came. You asked him about these odd behaviors, but somehow he would always evade the topic altogether.

All those questions of ‘where were you last night’, ‘when will you come home’, or ‘shall we go on a date sometime soon’, all went unanswered.

He outright ignored your presence at home. But this didn’t stop the wedding preparations. Because his siblings and your parents alike loved him, they had taken the responsibility to take care of the wedding plans.

Before he could continue with his little escapades, Seungkwan caught and confronted him. Not by you but by Seungkwan. The older boy’s disappointment was beyond words. He screamed at him for an hour straight and then he had sat Chan down and calmly said,

“Either you tell her or I will.”

“But I can’t; she will leave me if I ever tell her.”

“Then she will be right in doing so.”

“Chan, I love you to death, but either you stop this and tell your girlfriend the whole truth, or I will take matters into my own hands. She has put up with enough of your shit. Don’t hurt her more,” he had said.

“Give me some time; I will do it as soon as possible,” the younger one had strained out, fisting his hair.

“She better know about it all before the wedding,” Seungkwan had warned him before seeing himself out.

—

Chan had cut off Eva after that. He tried to change everything before actually marrying you. Then, being the kind person you are, you tried to understand your boyfriend. You really did. But this was the first time in ten years you considered leaving him.

This relationship didn’t make you happy anymore. But you had gone through so many troubles together. The effort to hold each other upright was taking a toll on you.

But you were a fighter. You had fought many battles with him by your side. You couldn’t give up on those years either. Your internal dilemma was killing you. But all of this came to a halt one day when you had come back from your night shift, only to find your boyfriend and the girl he oh so diligently claimed to be his good friend, talking in the living room.

It was not like they were trying to be quiet because you could hear every single word spoken by them.

“Chan, it’s yours.”

“Eva, I have a fiancé. I will never leave her. I already told you, I love her.”

“Oh, so you didn’t think about that before fucking me”

“It was a mistake”, Chan shouted.

“No, it wasn’t, we both were very sober”, came another shout

The conversation hit you like a truck, and with each sentence, you felt your heart shattering. The decision suddenly seemed a bit too easy to make.

You walked out of the chaos, leaving the ring behind on the shoe rack. That night, you stayed at your friend’s place.

Following that event, you called Seungkwan, informing him that you won’t talk to Chan anymore. He simply asked if you wanted any help moving out, to which you answered with a simple no.

That was the end of the relationship for you. You refused to talk or see Chan ever again.

—

Now, five years later, Chan is to be married again. Not with you; no, he missed his chance. It's with Eva. They figured the best way to raise Minhan was to be together. In a county like theirs, it wasn’t the best idea to raise a kid with two unmarried parents.

Chan loved Minhan to death. But he could never show the same love for Eva. Looking at her reminded him of the mistakes he made in life. It reminded him of the happiness he could have attained, but he lost due to his own faults.

He is happy Seungkwan is still beside him. He knows he doesn’t deserve a friend like him, so the fact that Seungkwan stayed beside him makes him feel grateful.

He knew that his wife and child would move in with him soon, but he didn’t have the courage to let them into the house yet. The house that held both your memories was a bit too precious to let go of so easily.

The next day came faster than he anticipated. As Chan stood there waiting for his bride, he saw a face that he had been longing to see for the last five years.

He saw your face, sitting there on the benches, a sad smile adorning your face. Your eyes filled with emotions and stories of the years you had spent together.

Oh, how badly Chan wanted to abandon everything and run to you. Apologize a hundred times and ask you to take him back. But he couldn’t; he had children to take care of and shoes to fill.

As he stood there saying his vows, hoping it’s you he saw walking down the aisle and it’s you he kissed, but they are called dreams for a reason. And not all dreams come true.

As he kissed his bride, he saw a glimpse of your teary eyes amongst the crowd, and a tear of his own fell. Wishing for a future he was never destined to have.

the end

[dilutedmayowater]

Hi<3 heres that ficlet thingy i told yall i wanted to write. This is just the first part, i plan to write more but uhhhh not tonight, i cant focus anymore lol. So heres all yall get for now <3 i also have not read through it to check for errors yet. Only thing i have to say for a warning is, mild exhibition? Its mainly teasing but do with that what you will

They had just dropped off the last kid- Dustin. Now it was just Eddie and Steve in the front two seats of Steve’s BMW. “So, you want me to drop you off at the trailer park?” Steve asked as he turned to face Eddie.

“Uh- Actually my shift starts soon. Could you drop me off at work?” The question made Eddie nervous. He preferred not to tell anyone where he worked due to the oddity of it. The taboo-ness. It’s not like it’s a normal job that is easily accepted, especially not in Hawkins in year 1986. It’s actually the reason it’s an establishment you can only get into with a code or invitation from a friend. It’s a supportive community but to be supportive they have to take certain precautions.

“Oh shit, yeah I forgot you took that night job. What was it again?” Steve looked at Eddie so sweetly. Wide eyed and innocent. Eddie wondered how much that would change soon. Maybe he could just be discreet about it? Tell Steve a half truth.

“Oh uh, just this bar. It’s pretty new and small and you need an invitation to get in typically. Chrissy’s cousin’s friend’s something’s something owns it so she gave them a good recommendation about me. Its called Stonewall.”

Stonewall is a gay bar that hosts quite a few people in the kink and bdsm community. Eddie assumes that its not really Steve’s scene. Eddie wonders if Steve even knows what kink is. ‘King Steve’ is quite known for being a good pleaser in bed, but that’s usually with Hawkins innocent cheer team or sweet book nerds like Nancy Wheeler. He’s gotten close with Steve so he wants to be honest about his own identity, but he’s worried how it would go.

“Ah, I like bars. You’ll have to show me around when we get there. Just give me the directions as we go, that cool?” Steve smiled at Eddie as he started backing out of dusting driveway without an answer and Eddie’s stomach just. Dropped.

“Hah yeah sure sounds great!” Eddie muttered out with an uneasy smile.

————————————:)————————————

“Hey Steve,” Eddie started as they got out of Steve’s car. “once we get in there just wait by the door while i change into my work clothes alright? Then I’ll show you the bar and everything. Just a warning, people here are very uh… flirty, and touchy. You may have to pretty assertive if you don’t want that kinda attention.”

Steve smirked at that. “Ya’know how my charm is, i cant turn it off even if I wanted to.” And god the way he was looking at Eddie, he did know, he knew too well. He wished he would just shut up and had Steve drive him back to the trailer park so Eddie could’ve driven himself to work, even if that meant being late to his shift.

Eddie rolled his eyes and started walking to the entrance. “Yeah, sure Stevie.” He knocked in the door. The building had no giant signs stating the name of the establishment, or anything indicating it was anything at all.

There was a slider on the door for a girl on the inside to peak through. She took a moment to take them in. “Heya Eds, who you got there?”

“Hey Micky, this is my friend Steve.”

“Ah Steve!” She looked over to him standing kind of awkwardly next to Eddie, then back at Eddie. “Can he uh.. be trusted?”

Eddie shifted in his feet and looked nervously at her. He glanced at Steve who looked curiously at Eddie. Seemingly clueless. “‘M not sure yet, Mick. But if there is any trouble I’ll deal with it.” Micky hummed suspiciously, glanced at Steve again, then unlocked the door.

Steve and Eddie stepped in, Steve even more confused than before at the interaction. Everything seemed so secretive and mysterious. What was happening in this building? Money laundering? Mafia meetings? Is that a thing? Was there a mafia in Indiana? It sounds ridiculous but there were Russians under Starcourt so, who knew?

“He seems harmless, but I swear to god Eddie, don’t blow this. You’re a good dude and i like ya as a coworker alright? Don’t get fired.” Micky made her statement, then walked away and disappeared into the crowd of people.

As Steve looked around he noticed the bar had a similar setting that of a club. Rowdy music, flashing lights, the crowd looked as if it consisted of a lot of grinding and kissing. Before Steve could look too close, Eddie stepped in front of him and forced eye contact.

“I’m gonna go change. If you see anything uh… weird. Don’t act rashly alright? I’ll explain whatever you wanna know once im behind the bar.” Eddie seemed jittery and nervous.

Steve cocked his head to the side - which should not have been as cute as it was - clearly confused, but he shrugged it off. “Alright Eds, just be quick, don’t wanna be late for your shift.”Steve smirked at Eddie which made him grow hot. He started to flush as he turned away and started for the bathroom.

As Steve started to look around more he noticed the place was a bit run down, as if it was previously abandoned. But it seemed fairly kept. The bar seems nice enough for a small business and there was a decent crowd.

Before Steve could analyze more he noticed someone approaching. A big guy, maybe a little taller than Steve, tatted kinda like Eddie but… even more. He looked Steve up and down.

“Hey.” He said simply.

“Hey.” Steve returned.

“Are ya with him?” The guy asked gesturing toward the bathroom Eddie just went into.

“Yeah! Thats my bud, Eddie, he’s just gonna show me around his work place a bit.” Steve smiled up at him, slightly uneasy from the unfamiliar territory and knew faces and being approached randomly.

“Ah, gotcha. Well, I’m Ben. Er whats your name?” Ben asked then leaned forward a bit to hear Steve better. Something is Steve’s stomach flipped.

“Uh, Steve!” Steve called, just noticing the loud noise Ben was clearly trying to hear him over.

“Nice to meet ya. Say, Steve, are you a friend of Dorothy’s?”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, “uh, who-?”

“Hey Ben.” Eddie was walking up to them. He wore black jeans similar to his usual pairs, except this pair had several holes and rips, showing much more leg than Eddie typically did. His shirt - Steve’s mind about froze - for a top Eddie wore nothing but a black mesh crop top. It showed off a pair of nipple piercings Steve never knew Eddie had. Steve huffed at the sight without even noticing.

“Hey Eddie, hows it going man.” He went to dap Eddie up.

Eddie returned the dap which evolved into a hug. “Pretty good pretty good, about to start my shift”

“Cool cool.” Ben nodded then paused, “hey uh, Steve doesn’t know Dorothy.”

Eddie nervously chuckled, “yeahhh man, I’m working on that don’t worry.”

Ben hummed, nodded, regarded Steve and Eddie before walking away into the crowd.

Steve turned to Eddie with an odd look on his face. “Okay, two things. One, respectfully, you look hot as hell man. I can see why you’d wanna be a bartender, im sure you get tipped heavily.” Eddie flushed not expecting the compliment. He avoided Steve’s eye contact shyly for a moment. He had his hair up which prevented him from hiding behind a curl or two. “Two, I feel as though theres something really secretive about this place that im just bot catching onto and no one will tell me. What’s goin on Eds?”

Eddie sheepishly looked at Steve through his eye lashes then sighed. “Come, sit at the bar. Let me clock in and I’ll fill you in.”

Once they had settled, Steve sat at the bar stool and Eddie took over for the person previously manning the bar. Eddie went to lean on the bar in front of Steve.

“Steve… I you’re a good friend and we’ve been growing very close recently. I enjoy that- a lot. So I want to be honest with you.” Eddie paused for any sort of reaction out of Steve, but Steve just looked intently at Eddie with care in his eyes. It was driving Eddie insane. “This is a gay bar, Steve. A lot of people here are looking for an accepting community for being queer and into the kink and bdsm type scenes. I am… also gay”

Eddie had been intently avoiding Steve’s gaze by looking at the surface of the bar. Then he heard Steve chuckle and his eyes snapped up to make eye contact once again. Steve, as usual, was smiling at Eddie. His eyes seemed to sing acceptance, but there was still a knot in Eddie’s gut that said he was wrong. That said he compromised a safe space. That said he was going to lose one of his closest friends. That said he was going to be beaten half to death soon by King Steve.

“Eds…” Steve started, making a point to hold eye contact. “I know.” Eddie probably looked horrified and so utterly confused. He tried to mutter out something but he just stumbled on his words. He didn’t struggle long because Steve start talking again. “I mean,” he leaned back and rubbed his hand on his neck, “I obviously didn’t know about this place, that explanation makes a lotta sense. However, you.” Steve leaned forward again, just forward enough to be intruding on Eddies personal bubble. “I knew. Of course I knew Eddie. Do you think I don’t know hanky code?”

Eddie scoffed at that, struggling to process all thats being said to him. “You don’t know Dorothy.”

Steve’s smile softened. He rested his elbow on the bar and used his fingers to lightly brush a stray strand fallen from Eddie’s bun behind his ear. Eddie tensed, wanting to fall into the touch, but still hesitant. As Steve made the move, he spoke. “I… lied.” He looked shyly at Eddie, then chuckled at Eddie’s confusion and put his hand down again. “I got the feeling this was a safe space with all the secrecy, but I wasn’t sure and wasn’t about to risk it. Ben seems nice though.”

Eddie looked long and hard at Steve. He seemed to be internally fighting with himself. “How long did you know?”

“Well since i first met you i had a little inkling because of your hanky- which i was looking at as an excuse to looked at your ass fyi. But I also asked Robin and she said she thought so just due to your behavior. Gaydar or something i guess. But if she ever found out for sure she didn’t tell me due to respect of your privacy.”

“Steve Harrington,” Eddie gasped out. Steve cocked his head to the side (still adorable). “You were ogling my ass” Eddie acted offended and playfully smirked at Steve.

“Oh Eddie,” Steve said slyly, looking somewhere far below Eddies eyes. Steve licked his lips and returned his gaze to Eddies through his own eyelashes. “I’ve been ogling so much more than your ass.”

Eddie froze in place. His smile faltered for a moment and Steve caught it. Steve caught how a flushed pink crawled onto Eddie’s skin in the dimmed lights of the bar. Then just at that moment-

“Hey! Barkeep, stop googly eyein your boy you brought in huh? Ya gotta customer. Do your job” Micky shouted at Eddie.

Eddie cleared his throat and clumsily stumbled to the girl waiting to have her order taken. He felt Steve’s eyes on him heavily as he took the orders. Even more so when he was making the drinks, using the silver cups to mix the fancy alcoholic drinks that they probably charged a little too much for. Once he poured the drink for the last person in line, Eddie looked over to Steve. “What do you fancy, Steve?” Steve started to smile but Eddie cut in, “I swear to god if you say something cheesy like ‘you’ im gonna lose it.”

Steve’s smile fell into a look of mild surprise. Then he chuckled, “Do you just have a beer?”

“Sure, babe.” Eddie said out of habit. He always said that to customers. When Steve lifted an eyebrow Eddie tried to ignore it. He grabbed Steve their most popular beer and slid it over. “On me.”

“Thanks ‘babe.’” Steve grinned.

“Oh shut up.” Eddie groaned at the tease.

Steve popped the tab on the can. “Oh what, you don’t like it?”

Eddie ignored the question, “So, what’s your story, Steve? Are you gay or are you just messing with me now?”

Steve seemed… shocked, even concerned by the question. “Oh uhm. Man,” Steve laughed awkwardly, “I thought you realized by now.” Eddie looked confused. “I’ve been flirting with you this whole time Eds, not just tonight, but for a while.

Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What, why?”

Steve continued to look at him awkwardly. “Because I like you..? You’re hot and I wanna flirt with you because the way you react is really funny and cute. I mean, you’re so easy to fluster but you don’t realize other people even know you’re flustered. You think you’re being discreet but you’re really not.”

Eddie flushed at that, just proving Steve’s point. “So what, I've just been too shallow to notice you’re gat and into me?”

“Bisexual, actually. And yeah I guess. Rob has even tried to drop you hints, but you never act if anything so we assumed you either weren’t into it or you just weren’t picking up on it.”

Eddie huffed, “definitely the latter.”

“Oh, so you’re into it?”

Eddie’s eyes snapped to Steve’s. “Uh, i wouldn’t say im not..”

“So you’re indifferent?” Steve pestered

“I'm into it, okay? I'm into you, Steve, I have been. I'm just really surprised that for once in my life I’m getting just- handed what i want. This isn’t typical and I’m just waiting to wake up.” Eddie rushed the words out as if they could bite him if he didn’t.

Steve placed a hand in Eddie’s. “You won't, I'm not a dream. And I hope its obvious but, i'm into you too. In fact this whole conversation has been driving me crazy because i'm so into you. I wanna slam you onto this bar and fuck you senseless but noooo,” he dragged out the ‘o’ dramaticaly, “you’re working… technically, and we have to be talking about feeling and being surprised they we’re both gay or something.” Steve looked at Eddie pointedly.

Eddie’s breath hitched at the confession. At the idea of Steve fucking his here, now, right over this counter where everyone can see. It drove him kinda crazy.

“And these,” Steve reached over the counter to grab Eddie’s waist and pull him closer. Once he had done so, he let his hand slowly drift up to Eddie’s chest. When Eddie looked at Steve, all he saw was Steve looking back at him, biting his lip. Something clearly eager on his face. Then Eddie jolted as he felt his nipple piercing being toyed with. “This fucking piercing Eddie, god, and this slutty fucking shirt. Really, how much do you usually make in tips? How much do you get laid? Every night you work?” Steve flicked the piercing again at the end of his sentence before putting his hands back to himself.

Eddie felt so hyper aware of the fact that they are in his place of work. Many people around them that could be watching. Most of which would probably understand what is happening a little too well- being in the bdsm and kink community. He still felt hot where Steve had touched him. Eddie took a deep breath, and once he felt somewhat calm again he said, “I haven’t worked many shifts yet,” He cleared his throat and regained his posture, “but I like to think most of the guys in this building wanna fuck me bad and hard.”

Steve’s eyes widened but he smirked. It made him seem a little manic. “Oh is that so? Are there any you’d let fuck you, ‘bad and hard’?”

A customer walked up to the bar. There hadn't been many of them. Maybe most people felt the tension between Steve and Eddie and decided to steer clear.

“Maybe one.” Eddie winked at Steve in the same moment he flicked his own piercing, then spared no moment to help the customer. Steve scoffed in disbelief. This boy was gonna be the death of him. He couldn’t wait.

Once Eddie finished up with the customer, Steve was getting ready to leave. Eddie raised an eyebrow at him. “When does your shift end? I’ll be back then to pick you up since you don’t have a ride.”

“Uh- seven.” Eddie stumbled, confused.

“Great, I’ll be back then. And in the meantime, how bout you think about all the surfaces in this place i could bend you over. Then let me know if you’d actually wanna act it out at my place once you get off work. Bye.” And before Eddie could even respond or process half of what was said Steve grabbed him by the jaw and pulled him into a deep kiss. Eddie melted into it faster than he would have liked to admit. Steve swiped at Eddie’s lips with his tongue and then just as fast as the kiss started, it ended. Then Steve was leaving. Was this how he always got his girls back in highschool? Get them riled up then leave then wanting more? Hell of a way… it was working.

————————————:)————————————

[scoobydoodean]

i think even though cas was in there stealing the journal, i think he was trying to legitimately convince dean to come to his side, because he does it the Very next episode (although he doesnt seem to realize that hes being manipulative about it..im not trying to infantilize him i just remember him being confused/surprised when dean points out that crowley gave him the same line)

like i do think theres a bit of double think in how castiel acts and behaves and he doesnt seem to grasp the emotional consequences of his actions, especially in this season.

like he thinks hes saying "if you trust me (please trust me) i can get crowley to release lisa and ben, because you wont be a threat anymore to his plan"

but dean hears "if you want lisa and ben back, you'll have to fall in line"

thats not to say dean is wrong for hearing it like that, but castiel really seems to be struggling with communication because he did this all for dean (in his mind) and once it's all over everything will be fine, lucifer and michael will stay in their cage, and dean and lisa will be safe at home.

but at this point hes killed too many and hurt too many people to turn back so when dean pleads for him to back down hes hearing dean say "im fine with risking the apocalypse again, and i cant trust you to do a plan that you are certain will work" when dean is just worried about another eve slipping through

its just very delightfully complex (imho) i dont really have a conclusion

Cas definitely wanted Dean on his side. He didn't need to wake Dean up or have a conversation with him to get the journal. He chose to wake him up and have that conversation because he desperately wanted Dean not to think badly of him. It's just hilarious that at the same time, he was also like. There to steal shit. When he saw Dean sleeping on that couch, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to talk to Dean.

Trying to get Dean on his side was important to Cas because he loves Dean and values their friendship, but it was also important to him because Cas had, to some extent, tied his self-image to everyone else's perception of him over the whole season. He lies to all of his friends—Sam, Dean, Bobby, Balthazar, Rachel. He lies to the Winchesters because he wants a place he can come to where someone still recognizes him as the person he used to be and not the person he is becoming. Crowley puts this best:

CROWLEY: The big lie -- the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore.

This is a period where Cas was doubting everything and wrestling with moral quandaries. He sees his own actions as monstrous, but also believes that monstrosity is necessary. He and Dean have a conversation about this very early on in 6.06, after their last interaction in 6.03 had Cas causing a child excruciating pain to gain information.

DEAN What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one. CASTIEL I'm at war. Certain... regrettable things are now required of me.

I've talked about how the title of this episode, "You Can't Handle The Truth", shows Cas's hand in that he doesn't believe anybody else can handle the dirty work. He knows it makes him look bad and that's why he lies about it—to protect his image.

The whole of 6.20, he's struggling, but he's doing it alone. To his friends, he presents his actions with surety—telling Dean insistently that Cas knows what he's doing and that there's nothing broken about his plan, while he says privately praying to his father:

Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me…A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don’t…I’m gonna ju– I’m gonna do whatever I… Whatever I must.

And to himself about working with Crowley:

I asked myself, “what was I doing with this vermin?”

And while betraying Crowley briefly by killing demons Crowley sent after the Winchesters:

For a brief moment…I was me again.

Sam and Dean and Bobby's belief in Cas's goodness (that he was himself) was so important to Cas that he was spying on them all of 6.20 despite his alleged busy schedule just to check in and see what they were thinking about him. And when they did trust him again for that brief moment, he felt relief, but also knew it was all an illusion and felt shame and guilt about it:

Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie. 

The same discomfort and shame seeps off Cas in 5.17 when Sam and Dean thank him for saving them, while Cas knows Astropos was only after them because of him, and that if they understood the full picture, their feelings about what he'd actually done to "save" them would be very very different. He knows he's receiving praise he doesn't deserve, so the esteem they place on him is hollow.

On the other hand, I do think Cas grasps the emotional consequences of his actions for the most part. That's why he lied the whole season—because he was afraid of the fallout among every single person he knew and even more as the lies stacked and stacked. He knew none of them would agree with what he was doing. But the consequences with Sam and Dean also extend a little deeper than Cas thought they would, and that's what wounds him the absolute most, I think. I don't think Cas expected Sam to question whether Cas intentionally left his soul in The Cage, or for Dean to question whether or not Cas was involved in the plot to kidnap Lisa and Ben in 6.21. He is genuinely and deeply wounded when his care for them is essentially questioned at the very foundation and it leaves him feeling betrayed in his own way.

The thing is, Cas's privately held doubts still do not match the picture he presents to the Winchesters even after he is exposed. Privately, Cas is starting to see the pride and hubris underlying some of his choices:

I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment…

I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

I see now that was arrogance…Hubris 

Privately, Cas reveals that his motives aren't as pure as he presents them to be:

I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don’t know anymore.

Hiding…Lying…Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.

Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian.

But to the Winchesters? He says "I did it all for you" and "I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you" and "It's not broken". He doesn't let them see his doubts, because he might crumble under them—and because sunk cost fallacy and his own pride won't allow him to accept being questioned even by his closest friends. In other words, he continues to lie, and after the big reveal, Dean can see right through him.

CASTIEL: I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Cas's pride also comes out in this conversation at night in Bobby's house.

DEAN: I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it. Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family -- that you are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something...You got to trust me, man. CASTIEL: Or what?

Dean says he isn't going to logic Cas. Bobby and Sam and Dean already tried that earlier that day, Balthazar will also try later, and it doesn't register. Dean puts all of the technical arguments aside and is trying to say (coupled with his earlier assertions) "I know you think you have to do this, but all of us can see you're going off the deep end and even you know that deep down. Please trust us on this." But Cas's response is "Or what?" He turns it into a battle of wills, then adds, "You can't stop me. You're just a man", which is also a dogwhistle for Dean when dealing with angels, who repeatedly over the course of the show, have called him a monkey, a dog, a pet, and other things to express the idea that he is beneath them as a justification for using and hurting him. It immediately turns them against each other because Cas feels like Dean is basically calling him crazy and is offended by the idea that he doesn’t know what he’s doing (even though he has his own private doubts, because at this point his self-image hinges on turning out to be right). Dean is seeing the angelic sense of superiority come out—something he’s far more familiar with than he’d like to be—something common to the angels who have used and manipulated and threatened him and acted entitled to him… and coupled with all the questions about exactly how involved Cas was in using Dean to get alphas over the course of the season and how he knows Cas used him in “The French Mistake”? It doesn’t paint a pretty picture for Dean.

In addition to their profound bond, I think Dean saying, "Cas, we can fix this!" and Dean being Cas's defender the entirety of 6.20 is also why Cas comes to him at the end of the episode. Dean is the weak link in the chain at the time (that completely changes in the next episode when Lisa and Ben are kidnapped). But Dean is also so devastated about all the faith he had in Cas's honesty being crushed, and he's reliving the demon blood arc in some sense, and he's probably reevaluating what he felt when Cas used him in "The French Mistake" and what exactly was going on in "My Heart Will Go On" and how—when Crowley forced him and Sam into doing his bidding, Cas knew it and he let it happen—he let it happen because he wanted the alphas. Not only did Cas know Crowley was using them—he went to great lengths to cover up his involvement and keep them off Crowley's tail. Cas's speech in the following episode demanding Dean's trust again is not only ill-timed while Dean is worried sick about Lisa and Ben—it's full of lies and half truths and even a little shit slinging that Dean knows isn't fair and that is deeply reminiscent of Sam's speech full of falehoods about trust in 4.21.

On Cas's side, I think you're spot on about his lack of cognizance on how he comes across when he says:

CASTIEL: I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back. Stand behind me, the one time I ask.

I don't think Cas meant to suggest that the first statement depends on the second one (we can judge as much when he heals Lisa at the end of the episode) but that's absolutely how it comes across.

[sinsandsweetness]

♡ SWEET DREAMS ☾

quick n’ smutty drabble <3 (rickyl x fem!reader)

warnings- 18+ mdni, absolute filth ngl, smut, dubious consent, somnophilia? overstimulation, unprotected p in v, praise kink for sure, + sweet n’ gentle aftercare cause I say so.

“Hey, you still with us, sweetheart?” Rick tapped your cheek gently as you dazed in and out of consciousness. Absolutely fucked out from the nights events. Relentless hours of teasing, followed by a game of ‘how many times can we make her cum?’

“There she is…” Rick’s voice was gentle as you finally looked up at him, with glossy eyes and labored breaths.

“Have we been too hard on you, baby? Got you slippin’ away on us?” Daryl asked, noticing your drowsy state.

You nodded, head all fuzzy and warm, as your eyelids started fluttering shut. Your cheek hitting the pillow once again as you felt the overwhelming need to sleep come over you. In truth, you couldn’t even count how many times they’d made you cum. And at that point, it seemed like they were on a mission to actually break you.

“Nuhuh,” Daryl clicked his tongue and grabbed your cheeks, forcing your focus back to the man fucking into you. To keep your gaze on the sight of Rick splitting you open, pumping in and out of you all slow and hard. “We ain’t done yet, princess.”

You’d definitely tried telling them to stop. But that was at least two orgasms ago. And they were proving to be pretty poor listeners. It’s not like you couldn’t use your safeword. You could. And they would stop the second it left your mouth. But you were so spent by this point, that you could barely produce a coherent thought. And honestly, you didn’t really want them to stop. You just wanted to sleep.

All three of you loved it when they did this. Got off on it actually. Them fucking you into a beautiful, writhing mess, right underneath them. Both of them loved to watch. To make you squirm. To listen to your constant whimpers and pleads. Unsure wether you were begging for more or less. It was never really clear. They loved to go until you physically couldn’t take anymore. To know you’d be more than a little sore the next day. And you didn’t mind. Forever enjoying your worn out muscles that served as a reminder of the whimpers and groans that left the two men the night before. All because of how much they loved to break you.

You were a little embarrassed to realize that you’d passed out. If you’d been able to think clearly, you’d have wondered what kind of drugs they were on to keep them lasting so damn long. Their libidos outdoing yours almost every single time. Though the men didn’t seem to mind too much, since they never cared to stop. Rick took your leg and lifted it over his shoulder. Speeding up and fucking you through yet another, borderline painful, orgasm. Your eyes snapped open as you gasped at the hot eruption in your core. Waking you right up. “That’s it. Keep those eyes on me. Love seein’ those pretty eyes.” He kept going even as your legs started to shake. Until he was finally coming undone with a quiet curse and your name under his breath.

“I cant… ‘s too much,” you whined, hands going to push at Ricks abdomen as he buried himself into you. Your own muscles twitching from the aftershock.

“But baby, don’t you wanna let Daryl have his turn?” He spoke as if they hadn’t been switching back and forth all night. “Be a good girl and give us one more, you can do that right?” You hesitantly nodded in agreement. Just one more. It wasn’t like there was really another option. Rick pulled out and moved to kiss you as the other man lined himself up at your entrance, pulling your legs even further apart. “That’s it, atta girl,” Daryl cooed, gripping at your thighs as he thrusted into you. Your own creamy substance and Rick’s seed mixing together deep inside and seeping out onto your legs. You could only moan into the other man’s mouth as Daryl fucked you. Wrapping your legs around his waist, as he locked your fingers together and held your hands against the mattress. Your other hand lazily pulling at Rick’s hair while you kissed him back, all messy and drowsy.

“Takin’ it so good, baby. Knew you could do it. Such a good girl for us. Always such a good girl.” His lips were hot and wet against yours as he mumbled delicious praise through your last orgasm. Ripping through you like a knife. Hurting so damn good.

They didn’t bother running you a bath like they usually would. They knew there was no way they could keep you awake for long enough. So they let you collapse into their arms and fall right asleep. Both of them held you close as you nestled into Daryl’s neck, watching goosebumps form as they traced gentle patterns onto your skin. They brushed your hair out of your eyes and pressed sweet kisses all over your face and shoulders, hoping that you’d feel it even in your sleep.

taglist: @rickswh0r3 , @elnyrae (feel free to ask if you'd like to be added💘)

[electrofolk]

A genderqueer reading of Coffee Prince

I wanted to examine why I keep coming back to a show I first watched 12 years ago and why it seemed to mean so much to me. I think it's because I saw in this show an extremely raw portrayal of the struggles I have felt as a genderqueer person, which is wild for a Korean show from 2007. While I rewatched, it was so clear to me that Eun Chan is genderqueer and many of her struggles are not only about her relationship with the love interest, but her relationship with her own gender.

A brief synopsis: Eun Chan is mistaken for a man, and ends up going along with it and getting a job under these pretenses in coffee shop. She ends up falling in love with her boss, Han Gyul, who still thinks she is a man. Han Gyul is also falling in love, but really struggles with the fact that this would make him gay. He eventually decides he is willing to face homophobia to be with Eun Chan. She then decides to reveal to him the truth, but it is Eun Chan’s struggle with having to confess this which feels so familiar and painful to a genderqueer person.

Eun chan has forgotten shes in a lie, she is not in disguise like other gender bending shows, she is just being herself, wearing what she wants to wear, acting how she wants to act It is others who place her in a binary, and assume she is a man. She says right out, “I'm not a guy nor a girl", and she is terrified of what that means.

So when Han Gyul says “Whether you’re a man or an alien, I don’t care anymore”, how can she not run with that? All she is feeling in that moment is relief, you can see it in the way she hugs him.

She does feel like an alien, that much is clear from how she describes herself, and the soundtrack brilliantly confirms this – “I feel like an alien, not part of the human race...it should be such a simple thing” (Alien, by Arco). This song plays when both of them are in the car together, it could refer to Han Gyul, coming to terms with being attracted to who he thinks is a man, or to Eun Chan, who feels she exists outside of the binary.

When Han Gyul finally asks her if she really is a woman, she is reluctant to answer. Some might interpret this hesitation as fear of his anger, but it could also be that she doesn’t want to admit to and be punished for something she doesn’t even feel to be true. He has to ask multiple times because she doesn’t answer, and finally she only slightly nods her head, looking sad and scared.

Later, he begs her to say its not true, that she isn’t a woman. Again, she cant answer to confirm or deny, all she can say is “I’m sorry”, and she breaks down. He is so angry at her for being something she doesn’t even feel herself to be. He said he’d love her if she was a man or alien, but he doesn’t want her to be a woman. The one thing she never felt like she was she’s now being punished for.

When Han Gyul finally comes around and says he’s actually glad she’s a girl, her face says it all.

There are many more hints that she doesn’t feel that she conforms to femininity. She said right from the beginning, that he would never like “someone like me”, showing she had a preexisting view of herself before she ever got involved in this whole thing.

You can see she has internalized this failure to conform, saying its her fault for looking the way she does. She is not shocked when his grandmother called her a thing, She has become used to being treated poorly as she has not conformed her whole life. But Han Gyul gets angry having to grapple for this first time with non-conformity.

Although Han Gyul has a lot of issues, he does have to get some credit for eventually coming out of the woman-man binary thinking he fell into earlier. He realizes she was born this way, and when he shops for a ring for her, he tells the shopkeeper “she is not feminine” and buys her a simple band.

One final thing I’ll mention is the music choice, again. The song that keeps returning at different points is a beautifully sad song with the lyrics “And now I’ve travelled across the ocean, with the same shoes, just longer hair”. At the end she does come back from overseas with longer hair, making her seem more feminine. But she remains the same, and you have to hope Han Gyul realizes she is still the same person, existing outside of a binary, and he is at peace with that.

[fuushiguuro]

you know, the beds big enough for both of us

peter strahm x reader

────── ☆ ──────

when you and Peter had originally started seeing each other, he told you about his line of work and what it would entail. as you two grew closer he began to open up about the stress of specific cases, but he never said a thing about the jigsaw cases. he didn’t want to get you involved and have you be a potential target. i mean, it had taken him so long to even say anything to you out of fear of getting you wrapped up in the case to begin with. he knew you were perfectly capable of protecting himself, but he just worries. to tell the truth, you can’t blame him. it’s a scary thing, being taken and being forced to go through such grueling games, but that’s the least of your worries. your current dilemma is your fiancé who’s sitting at the dinner table, a hand in his hair as he looked over newfound evidence on the infamous case. it’s not that you were angry, you were worried. you knew the case was important and you knew why he worked so hard, but it was taking a toll on him. Peter was a determined man, once he’s started something it’s almost impossible to get him to stop, but you were confident enough to try.

as you were finishing up your night routine you heard a sigh come from the kitchen, you let out one of your own as you exited the bathroom. you put on your house slippers on your way to Peter, mentally running through what you’d say. once you reached the table you were met with his hunched over back and scattered papers, it was somewhat depressing to see him like this. you approached him calmly, not wanting to alarm him if he had fallen asleep already. when the distance between you two was short enough you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, leaning down to press a kiss to his temple. you felt him tense when you first touched him, but he soon relaxed into your embrace. Peter smiled at the gesture, short but sweet. to return the affection he turned and placed a small peck on your lips, pulling away with a tired smile “hi, honey.” his voice sounded as tired as he looked, internally you cringed at this. it was incredibly disheartening to see such a strong man in such a disheveled state. “hi, dear. how long have you been working, hm?” you leaned impossibly further into him, mentally beckoning him to come rest. he sighed and shook his head, his hand finding it’s way back to his hair. “oh i don’t know at this point, sweetheart. a couple hours, maybe? i’ve lost track of time.” you chuckled softly at the last part, “yeah, i could tell” he let out a laugh of his own, mumbling a quiet ‘yeah yeah’ before grabbing another paper. you pulled the chair opposite of him, next to him so you could continue to persuade him into resting.., or begging him, rather. Peter shot you a curious glance as you fiddled with the chair that had gotten stuck on the flooring. “you know you’re not supposed to look at the evidence, right? i cant get you involved in this.” you finally got the chair in a perfect place, plopping down and turning to him with a huff. “who said i wanted to look at that?” he laughed at your response, turning his head to you once more “so you’re gonna stare at me the whole time?” you nodded with a cheeky smile, pulling your knees to your chest to get more comfortable. “mhm! why, can i not look at my fiancé anymore?” “now i never said that, but do what you want.” his tone was playful, but you could tell he wanted to get back to work, so you let him. while you looked at him, it felt like you had been captivated, but you were also jealous of his eyelashes at the same time.

after what had been almost two hours Peter stole a glance at you, noticing you were indeed staring at him the entire time. he chuckled before he spoke, his eyes still locked on the papers in-front of him. “really?” “mhm” “the whole time?” “yep.” now it was his turn to huff, he set down his paper and turned his full body to you as he held his arms out expectantly waiting for you to say something. he’s not stupid, he knows you want something, what it is is what he doesn’t know. you laugh at his dry sass before speaking “Peter, can you come to bed, please?” you shocked him with this, Peter had no clue what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this. sure, he’d come to bed late sometimes but you always knew he was working, you never complained or felt upset, to his knowledge at least. he wonders if he’d done something to upset you, but in reality it’s the complete opposite. you weren’t upset at all, just concerned.

“you know, the beds big enough for both of us. you don’t have to be so surprised that i asked” you joked to fill the stagnant air, hoping you hadn’t upset him somehow. he let out a dry chuckle, “yeah, i know. sorry, baby. works been a lot lately.” he sighed, motioning you to hug him, which you wasted no time doing. you situated yourself on his lap as his arm snaked around your waist, the other coming up to play with your hair. your head found purchase in his neck, but before you nuzzled in you pressed a soft kiss to his jaw. intimate moments like this weren’t rare between you two but they would be done with haste in public, Peter wasn’t ashamed, not in the slightest. he’d gladly have you on his arm wherever he went, but the risk was too great. both of you sat there for a moment, no words exchanged, little to no movement aside from Peter stroking your hair. the moment was serene, peaceful and perfect, so peaceful that you almost fell asleep right there in his lap, not that he would’ve complained. Peter took notice of your slowed breathing before his hand stilled stop your head “baby?” you let out a tired hum of acknowledgment, a quiet giggle leaving Peter’s lips at your grogginess. his hands lowered as he rose from the seat, the one previously laying at your waist was now holding you up, and the one in your hair came down to your back. you felt like a child as you wrapped your legs and arms around him, but you were too happy and sleepy to care.

Peter set you down on your shared bed gently, kissing your forehead before quickly readying himself for bed. you weren’t aware he was actually preparing to lay with you, expecting to feel him join you at an even later hour of the night. you sighed mentally, rolling over to face your nightstand as you wrapped your arms around yourself, desperate for some form of affection. before you could nod off, you were met with a pleasant surprise. you felt the bed sink behind you, turning over quickly to see your fiancé had decided to get some rest. a relieved smile crept onto your lips, shuffling over to find your place in his arms once more.

────── ☆ ──────

THIS ONE WAS REALLY SHORT IM SO SORRY, BUT I THINK IT'S CUTE

@valstarroz ♡

[moxfirefly]

I'm gonna be honest, I'm in the mood for silent communication of love so I'm gonna be kind of difficult. But knowing whatever you pull, it's gonna be great

[ WAIT ]: realizing the receiver is about to leave the room, the sender hastily reaches out and catches their wrist, preventing them from continuing their departure.

[ GUIDE ]: in the process of guiding the receiver through a crowded place, the sender’s hand protectively grazes against the small of their back

Cant wait to see! Love ya

I know you said to run with whomever I vibed with and I hope you don’t mind that this led with Mikey. Cause I just couldn’t stop picturing him.

Rated God Damn FLUFF

[ GUIDE ]:          in the process of guiding the receiver through a crowded place, the sender’s hand protectively grazes against the small of their back

[ WAIT ]:          realizing the receiver is about to leave the room, the sender hastily reaches out and catches their wrist, preventing them from continuing their departure.

——————-

A crowded place wasn’t exactly your most favorite of places to be at. Normally you’d avoid it, but tonight would have to be an exception.

The guys had wanted to celebrate. Another one of New York’s baddest had been successfully defeated and apprehended. What had been a lengthy battle had now transitioned into a moment to just breathe and be thankful. Chief Vincent had made it possible much like their first ceremony, to have a little moment of blissful freedom for a job well done. Together alongside the police officers who had aided them and were respectfully getting their own recognition as well, a party had been made for all to enjoy.

And thus here you were, absolutely ready to crawl out of your skin and contemplating if maybe beer would actually be useful for once. The music, the commotion, the hollering, it was all justified. Shit really had come close to ending way worse.

Even as you stood close to April and Casey, it didn’t seem enough to quiet your mind and that incessant voice in your head telling you to just go home.

You could do it. Just quietly slip away. A quick text to April telling her something came up. One subway ride and you’d be home.

You began to back away, just as Casey had pressed a loving kiss to April. Your feet moved you toward the closest exit. Side stepping a few inebriated cops and you’d be home bound.

Then you felt a gentle grip at your wrist. Delicate, all too aware that anymore and it could hurt you.

You looked back to see Mikey, he looked like he had pummeled his way through the crowd to get to you, the rise and fall of his plastron told you so. You hadn’t seen it or noticed it, but he had been watching you all night. Those baby blues had noticed your gears moving. He could tell this wasn’t your vibe, not your scene, and while he loved this commotion he could also understand why people didn’t.

Why you didn’t.

Truth be told he had been working up the courage to walk to you, maybe get you alone to allow you to breathe.

And for himself to admire and look at something so pretty as you.

“Ya leaving, angel?” He tried not to sound so down about it, so down bad for you.

“I’m just… this isn’t my thing” You weren’t even sure if he could hear you with all the music and noise.

So Mikey got in a little close, leaned down to better hear you. It was such a silly mundane thing to do but it made your insides topple.

“I said, this isn’t really my thing” You spoke louder and he nodded before turning his gaze back to you. A thumb ran across your pulse and it felt like an afterthought. For Mikey though, it made his skin buzz along with the bass.

He looked about quickly. Spotted some sliding doors that led to a balcony. The grip on your wrist was gone and now with a hand on the small of your back, you found yourself being led by him. It felt silly that this had your skin breaking out into goosebumps. Truth be told, Mikey appearing had almost fixed all of the pesky thoughts.

Mikey made sure no one collided with you. A friendly shove here and there and soon enough he pushed the curtains to the sliding door apart enough for you both to slide out.

Instantly the music, the voices, they were all drowned out. The cold air was chillier but the peace was welcomed.

“Better?” Mikey spoke with a soft smile. His response was earnest.

You nodded, cheeks just pink enough that it made it impossible for him not feel his gut somersault.

A careful rub of your arms once the winds picked up had him untying a jacket from around his waist. Without even asking he had wrapped it around your shoulders and smoothed it over your arms. He rubbed some warmth into your skin, gently, attentively and ever so shy.

All you could do was watch him wordlessly. The proximity of him, the sweetness in his intentions to keep you grounded, keep you warm. All those fuzzy feelings that had been brewing for him just boiling.

It was minute to admire. You both remained quiet, he uncharacteristically and you very much on par with your behavior.

Mikey’s mouth opened to speak but his courage was slipping.

You smiled, placed a hand on his chest, felt his heart rattling inside it.

He felt frozen on the spot, felt his heart take up too much space when your hand slipped to cup his cheek. Every fantasy of this moment paled to what he actually felt right now.

And he felt too much to describe.

You both stared at each others lips.

Once again, Mikey was leaning down and that silly little feeling bloomed into warmth.

[snow-143]

Water Coloured Tears | Jeon Jungkook

one- pilot (1.7k words)

Jeon Jungkook. The man that everybody wants, the man that knows this and loves the attention. On campus everybody knows him as Kook. However, I know him as Kookie, or I suppose my Kookie if were being critical. 

He's never told anyone this and neither have I. A well kept secret that only we know here. Of course when I go back home for holidays everybody asks about him, how he's getting on and if were still close. 

The truth is we haven't spoke since the last day of high school, but I keep up the act, answering their prying questions with a soft smile on my face. He's doing good, I usually answer. I'm not lying, from what I can tell he is doing good, amazing even if you look at it from the college dream perspective. 

No one ever asks how I'm doing, they're just curious about the towns golden boy who disappeared the second school was out. Never returning during any breaks from college life. He simply just up and left. Not even savings a second to say goodbye to anyone, except for me. 

I cant tell if this was worse or better, it kind of gave me a false sense of hope, he said goodbye to me and no one else, surely that means something. It didn't. 

In a way I'm kind of glad that they're only curious about him, you see when they ask how he is I don't have to lie, it may not be a full truth but its not a lie. If they asked how I am though, the smile would be far too forced, a toothy one that I am all too conscious of. 

The first time I was returning home I had over thought my replies far too much, only to realise no one cared anyway. I was always Jeons best friend, the hopeless girl who would follow him around with hearts in her eyes, much like a lost puppy. Never my own person, never anyone to be concerned about. Even my mother loved Jeon more. He was the son she never had. The golden child she had always wanted. 

I suspect that she knows I don't talk to him anymore, the depression I fell into after he left was far too telling. Yet she still asks about him, still insists on me taking extra food back to college with me in case he isn't eating properly. She always packs all of his favourite foods, never mine. Never anything I ask for. 

It was a shock to  me when I realised he went to the same school as me. I was overjoyed. Thinking that it must have been fate, destiny had brought us back together. 

That hope died along with my lingering feelings for him when we bumped into each other and he acted like I didn't exist. Just some random girl on campus who couldn't watch where she was going. 

I still remember the pain in my chest when he scowled at me, I could distantly hear some girls snickering at my audacity to bump into 'the Jeon Jungkook'. But it was all muted out by the sound of his heavy footsteps walking away from me. Walking right into the arms of the prettiest girl I have ever seen. 

Her name is Jennie. I've come to learn that she's not only gorgeous but also smart and the sweetest person you'll ever meet. She's honestly perfect. God. I'd date her if I could. But she's only got eyes for Jungkook. 

If I'm being honest, and get over the childish resentment I have towards the idea they'd be the perfect couple. The thing with Jungkook is that he never dates. Not even someone like Jennie. 

He's completely open about this, letting every girl he starts something with know that it wont go any further than a friends with benefits situation, they always think they'll be the one to change him though. 

He cant really be blamed when they get their hearts broken, he was upfront from the beginning, they just refused to listen. I wouldn't say they can be to blame either though, everybody I've ever known has loved Jungkook, its almost impossible not to. I suppose I know this better than anyone. A living and breathing example that you cant be close to him without falling for him. 

But now here I am, resenting everything to do with him. I wasn't upset at him for leaving, I understood that, but everyday of summer that I didn't hear from him buried me deeper into my hurt and anger.

He still had a phone, it didn't have to be the end of our friendship. Seeing him again just cemented this. He was so cold to me, I suppose I get it. He has a new life now, new friends. I guess I'm so hurt because he was all I had and it turns out I was nothing to him. 

I had learned to be content with this. Keeping everything and everyone that has anything to do with him far, far away from me. It was a difficult task but a one I felt I had to do for my own sanity. Yet it was all in vain. All the friends I could've had, all the parties I could've attended, all lost for nothing. 

Because now here I'm sat in my stupid art class next to no one other than Jeon Jungkook. How cliché, being paired up with you childhood best friend who you were madly in love with. 

We've been assigned to take candid picture of our partners and make 5 pieces out of them. all with different emotions in mind and all in different mediums. We've been allowed free rein on this project. However, we will be deducted points if our professor doesn't think our pictures are spontaneous enough or don't show enough emotion. She also is expecting all our pieces to match up with the others, so in total  she wants 10 pieces that represent both of our styles but can also all go together as one project. She's given us all a polaroid camera each, its honestly all so perfect. 

This would usually be my wet dream. I'm allowed to do whatever I like on 5 completely separate projects. But the brooding presence beside me is damping the whole experience for me.  

I'm quite surprised when she tells us this will be our last project of the year, giving us 5 months to complete it. She informs us that it will be 60% of our final grade and she wants us to go big for all 5 of the pieces. 

I can tell other people are stressed by this from all of the muttering around the room but I honestly couldn't think of anything better. 5 months to express myself through my art anyway that I like. I can already feel the ideas rushing to me. 

From an artist perspective I can kind of see me being paired with Jungkook as a blessing. If I have to channel all my emotions into my art I can't think of a better person to do it through. However, as the petty person I am I couldn't be more annoyed. I can tell he's pissed off too, he still has the same habits, I could read his body language with my eyes closed. 

It kind of hurt, I cant lie, I know why I'm upset but is it really so bad for him to be paired up with me? Is he scared I'll ruin the pretty little reputation he's maintained here. It's honestly baffling how much one person can change. He never care what people thought of us before but now he cant even bare being paired up with me. He used to beg our teachers to put us together at school. 

He finally looks at me, a scowl evident on his face, I don't want to be paired up with you either, dickhead. 'I'll ask if there's anyway we can swap.' 

It's strange, the way my heart hurts at this, much like when he first left, or when he ignored me. It's silly, I didn't want to be paired up with him either. 'whatever.'

I'm already packing my things up to leave the class room when our professor starts talking again. 'Oh and one last thing, under no circumstances are you allowed to switch partners. I want this project to be as authentic as possible, I chose people you aren't friends with on purpose, I want you to learn about each other and to show that in your art. I want it to tell a story.'

It's like she's staring directly at me and Jungkook, 'For fuck sake.' Is all I hear him say before I leave the classroom. 

'Hey, wait up.' Jeon grabs my arm, forcing me to face him. I haven't looked him in the eyes since I first bumped into him. The temptation to walk away from him just like he did to me is immensely strong. 'We should at least exchange numbers for the project.' 

He sounds far to annoyed to my ears and it ticks me off even more. 'You're such a cunt.' Ripping my arm away from him I go to make my exit again. Call me dramatic but this is the first time we've talked since he left and I cant help but be a little bit pissy with him. God, he even deleted my number. 

'What the fuck is that meant to mean.' Oh, he's seething . Good. 

'Are you serious right now?' 

'No.' he deadpans. god this boy infuriates me. 'Of course, I'm serious. What is your problem.'

'You're my problem. You and your stupid better than thou act.' It comes out as a laugh. An angry one. 

'Look, I don't know why you're so mad at me, but you're going to have to get over it if were going to pass this class.' It's a reasonable point ill give him that. But really, he doesn’t know why i’m mad at him? That HAS to be a joke.

Sighing I decide to compromise, 'Just message me on Instagram, or did you delete that too?' It's petty I know, but I had to get it out.

'I'll message you later.' Completely ignoring my childish remark, he begins walking in the opposite direction. Being the one who gets to walk away yet again.

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a/n: and it begins 🤭