#that guy would be dead and I'd be in jail

[yuseirra]

hikaai is such a funny ship. I feel like I'm defending someone in court for being wrongly convicted... pleading "Oh, there is no way he could have done it, your honor!" with the basis being.. my hunch (but there IS more than that) So it's... not exactly about being happy and excited at this point(I love drawing them btw), it's more about being unable to overlook some things.

Either the guy is so good at lying and his entire life that's been described so far is a lie, or it's that he's extremely hurt and timid (he couldn't even go visit his gf giving birth and go see his own kids because he got nervous if what he claims is the truth PL EASE Hikaru.. oh, goodness. But I think this DOES fit his character... it's oddly realistic. And he treats his children quite lovingly after that? The way I see it?)

but even if he can fool ME, I doubt he would have been able to fool Ai. She's the better liar, her whole story revolved around her lies and love and there's a scene where she literally reads him like a book within the story. If Ai and he fights, he does not have even the slightest chance to win. He does not stand a chance against Ai. That's what happened regarding the 15 year old lie as well, he didn't have a clue when it came to HER lies. I like that about them. They're very tragic, but you know, the way Ai steps in and leads him is sweet. That part of it is kind of cute. That's EXACTLY why she's worried about him, everyone, he's so vulnerable and so easy to be taken advantage of. It happens OVER AND OVER. I'D worry if I knew a person like that.

Am I the only one who feels this way? This character is being bullied. I shouldn't have to care about that, he's just a drawing, he can go to jail or HELL if he needs to be punished, I won't care about him if HE'S the one who's killed Ai (he's still good-looking but my feelings for him would change a whole lot) but don't people see?; Ai decided to help him because he was bullied as a child!! She couldn't bear seeing the guy she found endearing being in pain! I think that's happening again! And Ai's dead now so she can't help him anymore... their children have to do it in her place... This whole situation makes me feel like I'm watching a bullying incident in school but being unable to do anything about it... I feel really bad. Why are these things happening to him? It'd be better for HIkaru's sake if he really IS evil and is some sort of god that drives people crazy, that's the other way this could make sense but would that be a good story? It won't be, so I don't think that's it.

By the way I've been rereading ch 1 a lot because Ai-

and if I had a gf like that who'd risk everything they had going because of their love towards me (that's EXACTLY what she's doing there) I could give my life. She's so lovely?? I'd love her with all my heart. Yeah she's hurt Hikaru so much from that lie she told him but, it was an action so full of love, I get it so well. She's that sort of character, she's the embodiment of love. So I think Mephisto must be the boyfriend's song. Ai risked everything for him, and I don't picture the guy she loved acting any different for her sake. He wouldn't have fretted over giving his own life for someone like that, in fact, he'd wish to do MORE if he could. Being the super.. timid person he used to be, he's probably been pushing himself really hard. However, I don't even know how much he's capable of doing because I feel like 'Huh..with this personality, can he really even go that far?;; CAN he actually do something for Ai in a drastic manner?;'

yeah.. this ship is stressful.. it's golden though! I just hope things get resolved somehow and soon. nervous laughter

I should go play my game too~ I wish I had several bodies, there's so many things I want to do and have to as well..!

[spite-and-waffles]

Trying to drag real-world ethics into the Batverse is a bad faith argument when absolutely nothing in the Batverse has any ethical or moral standing in the real world.

Real world evils that claim death tolls:

- billionaires

- cops

- vigilanteism

- copaganda (crime-fighting as a genre is libertarian copaganda)

- prison industrial complex

- war on drugs

- child soldiers

- policing entities without democratic or civic transparency or oversight

- finding acceptable targets for your personal trauma and visiting what you believe is justified violence on them

But all of that is fine and good and acceptable as conceits of the universe, EXCEPT the question of "should this rich white guy who appoints himself the protector of the innocent due to the failures of the legal system, actually do something about this guy who keeps killing because of the failure of the legal system?" THAT is somehow above challenge or question. Never mind that turning the concept of "legal incompetence", meant to protect the most vulnerable population in a society, into a loophole for fictional mass murderers is violent ableism and copaganda. Forget taking a deep dive into why exactly killing is bad, or how far a value system can go before it becomes self-serving, or storytelling imperatives or any of that. The only reason any of us could ever take Jason's side (re: the Joker) is that we, in real-life, think that "bad guys should die". Instead of the fact that because nothing works as it should in the Batverse, the Joker's continued existence actively cheapens any moral code that allows it.

You can take whatever side you want to, but get off that horse and actually engage with the question, or fuck off with the dudebros who think "killing a serial killer makes you as bad as a serial killer" has any actual ethical basis.

[mulletmitsuya]

Tokyo Revengers Groupchat (Final Timeline)

Warnings: suggestive (i might have to change this warning to "mentions of sexual content" bcs it's too tame of a warning for the stuff that's actually in here), swearing, the word "pedophile" is mentioned, mentions of substance abuse

Desc: Everyone finds out Takemitchy and Mikey are time leapers, which leads to some...interesting questions

Mitsuya: so let me get this straight

Mitsuya: you're a time traveler, and you've lived dozens of timelines to prevent Hina from dying but she kept dying anyway but then when you got to one where she didn't die, Mikey was some deranged criminal lord and was miserable and depressed and tried to kill himself so you had to go back in time again to make sure everything was fixed but ended up dying while fighting Mikey but then somehow you both went back in time and rewrote all of our entire lives??

Takemitchy: yeah...

Baji: cap

Mikey: it's not

Mitsuya: so Mikey's a time traveler too?

Mikey: yeah it's crazy i know

Draken: do you guys have any way to prove this?

Chifuyu: this explains why i keep getting random visions of me in alternate universes. holy shit

Haruchiyo: weird ass prank

Takemitchy: i think it happened since you're close to me and we basically did everything together. i'm not sure

Inupi: we're just gonna believe this?

Koko: wait, i kind of do

Kisaki: this...defies all logic of anything ever.

Mikey: shut up Kisaki

Mikey: i'm sorry it's just that in ever other timeline you've ruined my life so it's difficult to be nice to you sometimes

Kisaki: so you don't like me because of something i did in another universe?

Takemitchy: *timeline

Mikey: yeah. my bad

Baji: i'm gonna entertain this cause i'm bored but what was i like in other timelines

Mikey: dead

Baji: ...all of em?

Mikey: yeah, it kinda drove me to insanity

Baji: damn

Baji: why?

Mikey: you killed yourself to save Kazutora

Baji: what was the context

Mikey: long story

Baji: there wasn't any other way?

Mikey: you're kinda pissing me off cause that's what i was wondering, actually

Baji: damn

Kazutora: thanks man. appreciate it🙏

Kazutora: i'll slobber on your meat later, as a proper thank you

Baji: i'd appreciate that. thanks homie🙌

Koko: what about me?

Baji: you wanna slobber on my meat? i mean i won't stop you. as long as i can call you kitten.

Koko: ...i was talking about me in alternate universe's😐

Takemitchy: i don't think we should go there guys. there's too many timelines, and not everything was exactly the same. and also in general it was a really traumatizing experience for me and i kind of want to end my life every time i think about it

Hanma: womp womp. what about me???

Mikey: murderer

Hanma: YESSSSS 😭😭😭😭😭

Hanma: THANK GOD, I KNEW IF I COULDN'T DO IT HERE, MULTIVERSE ME WOULD HAVE LIVED THE DREAM

Hanma: are me and Tetta-san together in every universe

Mikey: surprisingly, yes

Hanma: and he denies we're soulmates😔

Kisaki: i will not hesitate to get another restraining order

Hanma: a piece of paper won't stand in my way. let's get married

Kisaki: i will call the police

Draken: guys are we really entertaining this?

Mikey: you went to jail in one of the timelines and you were bald LMAO

Draken: sure

Baji: why'd he go to jail?

Mikey: these guys killed Emma and Ken-chin took revenge

Baji: respectable

Mikey: he was given a death sentence

Baji: that's tough fr

Ran: i'm kinda curious

Ran: humour me, what was i like?? was i famous?

Mikey: you were a criminal. killed people

Ran: sounds about right if i'm being honest

Ran: and Haruchiyo and Rindou?

Haruchiyo: leave me out of Takemitchy's psychotic episodes

Haruchiyo: i think you have a hallucination/delusion disorder or something

Mikey: but don't you believe me?

Haruchiyo: ...

Haruchiyo: Mikey, you're also pretty mentally ill

Mikey: says you???

Haruchiyo: i just have substance abuse problems and i'm getting clean so...

Mikey: GUYS I'M TELLING THE TRUTH I SWEAR

Mikey: I'VE BEEN GOING CRAZY KEEPING THIS A SECRET

Draken: when was the last time you slept?

Mikey: ☹️

Baji: guys just play pretend.

Rindou: what about me?

Mikey: same as your brother just uh, less gay and slutty?

Rindou: story of my life

Inupi: you didn't do Koko

Mikey: criminal

Koko: the whole time?

Mikey: yeah

Mikey: Inupi got normal at some point because he and Ken-chin got close and they fixed bikes together and had sex

Inupi: Draken????

Draken: you're really starting to piss me off.

Mikey: Akane died in the fire though like she was BURNT

Takemitchy: uh Mikey-kun...

Mikey: she was a crisp i'm telling you

Mikey: Inupi you had an ugly red scar on your face and no one wanted you

Mikey: Izana i know you're reading this, you were fucking insane dude like you killed Emma for some fucking reason then Kisaki shot you 3 times in the chest and you died while having a really bad mental breakdown. it was a major L on your part

Chifuyu: Mikey why are you leaving out the fact that the common denominator in every single timeline was that you killed every single one of your friends in the most brutal ways possible🤨?

Mikey: no comment

Smiley: how'd he kill me?

Chifuyu: uhhh

Chifuyu: Takemitchy help me out here

Takemitchy: i don't want to talk about it😐

Chifuyu: I REMEMBER

Chifuyu: backshot

Smiley: ...

Smiley: he killed me by giving me backshots..?

Smiley: i would NEVER take it from behind

Smiley: especially from MIKEY

Smiley: small dick having ass

Smiley: my bootyhole is not to be messed with

Smiley: i'm so pissed off right now holy shit

Smiley: how did i even die???? dick so good it killed me?

Smiley: i'm so angry

Angry: and i'm Smiley😂

Baji: 3/10 joke 👎, poor delivery, fell flat

Smiley: i hope you kill yourself, Mikey

Mikey: trust me, i've tried

Chifuyu: ???

Chifuyu: he shot you in the back with a gun?

Chifuyu: what's wrong with you

Smiley: oh my bad i though you meant like, he was taking me doggy style

Smiley: i'm no bottom

Ran: what is happening

Chifuyu: i'm moving on😐

Chifuyu: Hakkai was tied to a chair and burnt to death

Hakkai: wha-

Hakkai: WHAT DID I DO??

Hakkai: jesus 😟

Chifuyu: why am i getting all these memories, i'm freaking out

Hakkai: Mikey please tell me what i did to deserve that ☹️

Mikey: idk Hakkai i was going through a lot

Draken: have you been diagnosed with anything?

Mikey: i don't need a diagnosis bcs i'm fine now, you're all alive and i don't have any murderous intent!!! yippee🤗

Mikey: isn't this great Takemitchy??

Takemitchy: well, yeah no ones dead so that's great

Izana: this is obviously completely fabricated

Izana: are you guys that bored?

Senju: man for all that time traveling you sure are a shit boyfriend😭

Takemitchy: how????

Takemitchy: did Hina say that☹️??

Senju: it's an observation

Senju: you've had way too many coincidental close calls with other woman💀

Draken: yeah you pissed me off when you thought i was gifting you a prostitute. you had a whole ass girlfriend. shame on you

Senju: and you also almost slept with Emma and you "don't remember"

Smiley: Mitchy's low-key funny as hell because what do you mean you stripped yourself and another girl down to your underwear by accident

Baji: wouldn't Takemitchy be a pedophile then?? Emma was 13 dawg🤨

Mikey: he was 14 though😭

Baji: you're gonna ride Takemitchy's dick to defend him from trying to sleep with your 13 year old sister??? crazy

Baji: wasn't be mentally 26🤨?

Baji: bro i'm gonna beat your ass actually

Mikey: hmm

Mikey: you know what Mitchy, why did you do that 🤨?

Smiley: LMFAOO

Mitsuya: why did i come back to Takemitchy facing pedophile allegations, like what's going on right now

Kazutora: is it not enough that he changed the space and time continuum just to be with his girl?

Kazutora: cheating this cheating that, my boy deserves all the pussy he wants

Kazutora: he's been beaten, shot, stabbed AND killed

Kazutora: i personally believe he's the goat

Baji: ?

Chifuyu: goat is an acronym for "greatest of all time", Baji-san

Baji: what's an acronym

Chifuyu: i'll dm

Kazutora: bro you're so fucking stupid😭

Draken: i don't care if he was skinned alive by an orangutan, there's no excuse to cheat on someone

Rindou: i think being skinned alive by an orangutang warrants having more than one girl. idk that's just me tho

Ran: not the point that's being made rn

Rindou: what exactly is the point that's being made

Rindou: is this real. are we being serious.

Rindou: i don't think i get the joke

Haruchiyo: i think we should all stop talking now

Mikey: Mitchy we need to talk a bit

Takemitchy: i told you this was a bad idea

[maze-mind]

Ivy Trio (In)Correct quotes.

Yes. Part 3. It's too late for me *dies*

------------------------

Store Worker: Would a “Newt” please come to the front desk?

Newt, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker, pointing to Minho and Thomas: I believe they belong to you?

Minho and Thomas, simultaneously: We got lost.

Newt: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me...

---------------------

Newt: I have a bad feeling about this...

Thomas: What do you mean?

Newt: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?

Thomas: No.

Minho: That actually explains so much.

-----------------------

Newt: What’s up? I’m back.

Thomas: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead.

Newt: Death is a social construct.

------------------------

Newt: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Minho: I'm a knife.

Thomas: He's the little spoon.

------------------------

*Scenario: Minho+Thomas in jail together*

Thomas: So, who should we call?

Minho: I'd call Newt, but I feel much safer in jail.

-------------------------

Thomas: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever, and you're both invited.

Newt: 'If?'

Minho, sarcastically: Great! The only party I've ever been invited to, and you might not even *die*!

--------------------------

*Scenario: Newt driving Minho+Thomas*

Newt: So, how was your guys' day?

Thomas: We almost got surprise adopted!

Newt: What?

Minho: We almost got kidnapped.

Newt: Oh, okay.

Newt:

Newt: WAIT, *WHAT*?

---------------------------

Minho: What do you think Thomas will do for a distraction?

Newt: He'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*A building explodes, and several car alarms start beeping*

Minho:

Newt: ...Or, he could do that. Seems like Tommy.

--------------------------

Newt: Hey Minho, can I have some dating advice?

Minho: Hold it. Just because I'm dating Thomas does not mean I know how I did it.

---------------------------

Newt: ...Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Minho?

Minho: No.

Thomas: I do!

Newt: I know, Thomas.

Thomas: I'm sad!

Newt: I know, Thomas.

---------------------------

Minho: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent?

Newt: Go the shuck to sleep.

Minho: What gif I don't want to?

Newt: Shuck You

---------------------------

Someone: How many kids do you have?

Newt: Biologically, emotionally, or physically?

[thisapplepielife]

Written for @corrodedcoffinfest.

Settle For This

Day #22 - AU | Word Count: 1000 | Rating: E | CW: Sex Acts, One F-Slur, Abuse of Power (Eddie's Not Mad At It), Brief Reference to Recreational Drug Use (Weed) | POV: Eddie | Pairing: Eddie x Gator, Minor Steddie Mention | Tags: Modern AU, Fuck The Police, Literally, Blowjob, Semi-Public Sex, But No Speeding Tickets Here

"Fuck the police," Eddie says, slamming his hands against the steering wheel. The van can't outrun the oversized penis metaphor of a truck behind him, red and blue lights flashing, so he eases to the shoulder. 

"Goddamnit, Eddie, I told you to slow down ten miles ago!" Gareth yells from the back, trying to hide the last of the weed.

Jeff's up front, and Goodie's sprawled out across the middle row, both dead to the world. 

They can't afford a speeding ticket, and definitely not anything more, if the guy's a real dickhead. 

The cop taps on the window, and oh, he's for sure a real dickhead. 

Stupid camo pants, stupid thigh-holster, and douchebag tattoos he definitely picked off a flash wall. This dimwit from the Stark County Sheriff's office is just gonna fuck up Eddie's whole night. Eddie can see it now.

He doesn't even give an opening spiel, just taps his nightstick on the side of the van, "What're you? Some sort of band? 'Spose yous guys are on tour, eh?"

"Yes," Eddie answers, trying not to sound sarcastic. But honestly? Did the logo give it away?

"Well, what kind of music do y'all shitbirds play?" he asks.

Eddie would rather just give his license and registration.

"Heavy metal," Eddie says.

"I like Metallica," the cop says in his thick accent, as if Metallica isn't the most well-known metal band in existence, but Eddie just nods. 

"I'm gonna need you step out of the vehicle," the officer says, and fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fine.

Whatever.

Just get this over with.

He's led to the back of the patrol truck, parked behind the van, lights still flashing, bouncing around in the darkness.

"I'm Officer Tillman, Gator if you're nasty," he says, and Eddie blinks at him. Did he really just say that? 

And Gator? What kind of name is Gator? Makes Goodie sound normal.

"I'm gonna have to give you the once over," he drawls, and then he's frisking Eddie, too rough, too long, and way too interested in what's between Eddie's legs.

"If you want to fuck me, just say so," Eddie snaps, and the hand that was brushing against him clamps down, squeezing his dick.

Eddie wills himself to not get hard. On principle.

"What'd you say to me, faggot?"

"I'm not the one squeezing cock, now am I?" 

Gator lets go, but keeps patting Eddie down.

"I ain't got nothing on me. I'd suggest a cavity search, but I think you'd like that a little too much, wouldn't you?"

"Don't make me handcuff ya."

Eddie grins, "Don't threaten me with a good time."

Eddie gets shoved against the tailgate of the truck for his trouble, and a knee slides between his legs, pushing upwards. 

And a hand, big and rough, grabs a fistful of Eddie's hair, pulling. Hard.

His dick is a goddamn traitor, because that does it. He's fucking hard against this asshole's thigh between one breath and the next. 

Fuck it.

Eddie grinds down, and briefly wonders if he's really fucked now. If he's gonna end up in jail, or worse.

But Gator pulls back, and his hand is firm on Eddie's shoulder, pushing him down, down, down to his knees, forcing him into the gravel.

Eddie hates that he isn't mad about this. Hates that he wants it.

Eddie goes.

And Gator is looking down at him, holding some intense eye contact, as he starts unbuckling his belt. Eddie watches and licks his lips. The dick that he pulls out of those camo pants is big, and thick, and Eddie wants nothing more than to put his fucking mouth all over that cock. 

Eddie sticks his tongue out of his mouth a little, an invitation, and Gator steps closer, taking it. Eddie wraps his hand around the thick length, and guides it towards his mouth. Rubbing the tip against his bottom lip, before sliding it all down, nose to pubes, showing off.

Gator groans, and grabs a fistful of Eddie's hair. Eddie doesn't mind that at all, and starts sucking his dick in earnest. Enjoy the stretch, the musk, the sore jaw that comes with the territory.

And when Eddie flicks his eyes up again, Gator is sucking on a goddamn vape. He can't even smoke a cigarette like a real man, apparently, but he definitely thinks he's big and bad. 

Eddie will just have to bring this fucker to his knees, as retribution.

"Fuck me," Gator moans, and boy would Eddie like to do just that. But right along the highway, as deserted as it is, seems unwise.

He'll have to settle for this.

And Eddie bobs his head, wet and hard and intense, as Gator claws at his scalp, pulling his hair, forcing himself deeper. Eddie's sure he thinks he's getting away with something here, but Eddie wants him that deep. 

Wants him to swallow him fucking whole.

"Oh fuck," Gator says, and then lets out a wounded noise as he comes against Eddie's tongue, down his throat. Fucking filling him, still grinding in.

When Eddie finally pulls back, he's sure he looks thoroughly debauched, as he demands, "My turn."

And to Eddie's utter surprise, Gator slips his vape into his pocket, moving to his own knees.

Back in the van, after, Gareth is all up in his business.

"What the fuck? Did you fuck a goddamn cop?" Gareth asks, leaning over between the seats. "I didn't know you were serious when you said fuck the police, Eddie. Fucking hell."

"Didn't get a ticket, did I?" Eddie says, answering without answering. 

"That's like, illegal. You could have him charged. Abuse of power or some shit," Gareth says. 

"Well, that's a thought. But I'm not dissatisfied with the way my night went."

"How? Why?!" Gareth screeches. 

Eddie turns, and grins, "Did he not look like Steve Harrington?"

"No, he didn't look like Steve Harrington. He looked like a fucking douchebag!" Gareth argues, exasperated.

Eddie shrugs. 

He looked a little like Steve Harrington.

[weebsinstash]

Ya know, I've made posts about the yandere Batfamily before, and I've been thinking lately about one person in particular, and I think I've decided that Alfred is probably the most dangerous and formidable person in that entire house and have been brainstorming what a formidable platonic yandere guardian sorta figure he would be

For one, he's the man that canonically kept THE Batman from going over the edge, basically THE sole reason Bruce Wayne grew into the man he is. Literally, in alternate universes where Bruce never had Alfred, he literally 9 times out of 10 becomes a murdering sociopath. Alfred doesn't just have intelligence, he has EMOTIONAL intelligence

We're talking about the tenured elderly man who is former MI6 and doesn't give a fuck about murder, has killed, and will kill again. Bruce finds someone attacking you, he'll beat them up and cart them off to jail to be arrested and rehabilitated. Alfred will pull a pistol on a robber and shoot him dead before he allows you to get even a single scratch on you, just puts the guy down, "oh dear, I suppose I'll be late making dinner tonight, it seems I'll have to give testimony to Mr Gordon again"

I've seen fics where the sidekicks kidnap Reader or disable them for Bruce's sake, but don't you think Bruce himself would cross that line for Alfred? This man cooks, cleans, does everything for him, is practically a second father and his greatest friend, really kind of RAISED HIM. I just picture Alfred getting attached to Reader like you're practically his grandchild and then you return to your normal life, move out after staying them for a period of time or whatever, and Bruce can tell Alfred is... out of sorts, a little sad frown on his old withered face as he absent-mindedly sweeps the same corner of the same room for an hour, sighing, thinking about how he wanted to teach you all sorts of things, but, you're just gone now. Siiiiiiiiigh. And Bruce can't stand seeing Alfred like, actually depressed, even making mistakes he doesn't usually make, dropping things, lacking his usual playful sarcastic wit, just kind of a shell of his former self. You don't think you'd be getting an extra super special Uber ride in the Batmobile from the Dark Knight himself after that?

But I also think Alfred would be capable of really putting his foot down. He once told a disrespectful Damian he should be thankful Alfred wasn't his father in a very "because I'd actually discipline you" coded sort of way, and, say Reader grew up without a dad, or any parents and maybe has some traumas and potential behavioral issues from that. I could see Alfred being the kindest, sweetest, most patient grandpa, teaching you how to bake, keeping you company in the library, teaching you all kinds of things, and then the second you do things like start getting drunk, acting out, THROWING things, then he's putting his foot down, "now you listen HERE! Your behavior is absolutely unacceptable and you will not be allowed to degrade yourself within the walls of this home!" and manages to simultaneously scold you without putting you down, leaving you in ashamed embarrassed tears over your behavior that you're standing there crying, and he pulls you to take a seat in a nice chair and starts combing your hair and telling you he just wants best for you while you're bawling for his forgiveness, and he tells you he's already forgiven you and that he can run you a nice bath before bed

I can see a captive Reader scenario where you manage to break out of the house while everyone else is gone and you think, oh, you're home free! Batman and everyone else is busy! Lost in your own hubris as if Alfred doesn't have perfect knowledge of everything in the Batcave including the equipment and vehicles. You're in an alley cornered by a bunch of drunks who just want to beat the shit out of someone and suddenly, is that Batman? Wait, the costume is different, and the height, and, the body shape, and, and, and it doesn't even matter because Alfred can still lay all of them flat, blood on his knuckles as he wearily regards you, "you're not going to make a tired old man have to carry you to the car, are you?" and after what you just saw, you know better than to put up resistance

But like I can't get over the idea of, Reader staying at the Wayne residence for a limited period of time, you're injured and Bruce is offering you safe harbor, you're being targeted by a specific criminal group and need protection until the thugs are caught, something along those lines, and, one day, when everything is better, you just. Leave unexpectedly. They had already offered you a permanant place in the house but you still seem to be falling into a depression until one day you're straight up gone, only leaving a note that Alfred is the one to find, only 3 word, "Thank you. Sorry." and hr suddenly??? Can't think straight??? You're gone??? Why??? Why didn't you tell them?? Are you hurt?? Did they do something wrong??? How is he supposed to know if you're sad or if you're hungry or if you're in DANGER if he doesn't know where you are and what you're doing at all possible hours?

Just visualizing the idea of Bruce coming home one day and you're suddenly in the house again and you're seeming very much distressed but Alfred is looking fit as a fiddle again and it is very extremely incredibly obvious to Bruce that Alfred straight up brought you back against your will. But. He doesn't care because he agrees with Alfred that OBVIOUSLY since you're a member of the FAMILY NOW that OF COURSE you have to stay in the house

Can you imagine yandere Alfred but Bruce and everyone else is just, totally normal and just hardcore mega coping with Alfred's sudden change in behavior and occasional questionable actions. One day Alfred is dusting and without turning around, "Master Bruce, would you care to fetch my granddaughter for me while i finish this room?" and Bruce is just like "granddaughter????" And Alfred looks to him like he just said something BEYOND stupid, "Yes, my granddaughter, about ye high, awfully broody much like yourself, currently housed in the spare second floor bedroom at the end of the hall on the right? You act as if she didnt help bake that casserole you and the boys absolutely devoured last night"

Nightwing going down into the Batcave for like actual mission stuff and Alfred is already using the Batcomputer to monitor all your online internet use. What's that, some young man is trying to slide into your DMs? O-oh no, there was, uh, suddenly a glitch and he received a threatening message with no traceable source that told him to stay the bloody hell away from you! Whoops!

You're just his captive little grandchild who he helps teach recipes to and teaching you anything you're curious about. You make an offhanded comment one day that you would've loved to learn to play piano "but I'm too old now/it's too late now/I probably wouldn't be any good at it" and later on, after Alfred has brought you back after trying to live alone again (you being drugged if need be), and when you wake up he's all smiles, telling you about all the new structure he's about to introduce to your life, and, of course, you have to pick a day of the week for your new (now mandatory) piano lessons :) on Mondays you'll go for walks and have tea in the garden, Tuesdays you'll read in the library, on Wednesdays you'll learn piano, on Thursday he'll teach you a new recipe every week, Friday--- this old man is gonna force you to be productive and happy is all I'm gonna say

[heavenlymorals]

In Defense of Bill Williamson: A Curious Case Of Hear Me OUT-

Warning: this post contains mentions of rape, homophobia, and period typical attitudes.

The first time I played RDR2, I was very curious and went into Sonny's cabin. If you know, you know.

I was horrified over learning what happened to Arthur and the shock of it all was impalpable. The fact that Rockstar put in such an encounter was diabolical, but either way, it happened, and I was pissed and heartbroken for Arthur. Out of all the encounters that happened in this game, all the awful encounters, this is the only one that did not get a journal entry- mostly likely due to the trauma of getting raped and the shame of it as well- let us not forget that Arthur is a man, a very tough and burly man, living in 1899 America. The likelihood that there would be any support for him is nigh on none.

I fed Sonny to the alligators (obviously) later and more or less forgot about it because I avenged my Arthur.

Then Bill came along.

"I met a guy at the swamp who seemed to know a lot about you. I mean A LOT about you…"

I was pissed and it was the first time in the game that I heard pure, unadulterated hatred in Arthur's voice as he more or less growled at Bill to go away. From then on, I always antagonized Bill for seemingly mocking Arthur like that for getting raped.

But then I played again and again and played Red Dead 1 too and learned that Bill is gay. Even though it isn't said outright, it is implied so heavily that it would be laughable to suggest that he liked women.

So after a while, my reaction to Bill's words changed. I pity him now.

Now I know what you are thinking- Heytham, how the hell can you pity a man who mocked a fucking rape victim?

Because I don't think Bill thought Arthur was raped.

Here is how I came to this conclusion (feel free to disagree with me, but here is how I came to this conclusion):

Being a homosexual in the 1800s was a very isolating and daunting experience, with the threat of jail time and even death. Society was super judgemental and cruel to people who did not fit into what was expected of them, so being a homosexual would feel like hell on Earth because there wasn't a real way to express this attraction beyond longing and secrecy, which would make finding other gay people hard to do.

Beyond just isolation, homosexual actions can ruin careers, which we can assume is one of the reasons that Bill got dishonorably discharged ("deviancy") alongside attempted murder. Crazy to think that "deviancy" is on the same level of attempted murder and was probably shamed more, but that is neither here nor there.

Even the gang wasn't really accepting of Bill's sexuality, which speaks a lot about the gang's supposedly "progressive politics", as they aren't really politically progressive and more so idealistic in the romantic standards of 1800s America. In terms of Bill's sexuality, it felt more like a outta sight, outta mind sort of deal. Bill is the butt of jokes and his sexuality is too ("Is he gonna kiss that guy or punch him", "Bill and Phil", "He likes to do a lot of things with men on their knees (RDR1- John says it to purposely shame Bill more to the people he works with)")).

When his sexuality seems to be a bit more upfront, there is agression and disgust. The biggest example of this is Arthur's reaction to Bill wanting hair pomade. He sounds disgusted and mean and the sneer in his "Yeah, I'll get you your hair pomade…" is very telling that Arthur thinks that Bill is asking him for pomade for gay sex because of the way he reacts to it- he already has a disposition to thinking this is why Bill wants the pomade and it disgusts him, even though he does it anyways.

To give Arthur the benefit of the doubt, I'd be pretty weirded out if someone asked me for lube, but Arthur didn't know if that is what Bill actually wants. He could very well just need it for a job that requires him to look nice, which happens in the ball mission. The point is that he had a disposition and that disposition made him react in not only a bewildered way but a disgusted way. Im serious, just listen to that interaction- I don't think I am reaching.

In any case, it is quite obvious that Bill feels isolated and that isolation makes him awkward and aggressive around men that he does like (Kieran) and overall just angry at the world because of it, amongst other things. He has no one to talk to, no one to relate to, and he is shunned and despaired over something he cannot control.

So then Bill meets Sonny and whatever the hell they did together, Sonny talks about Arthur, and let us be real, what is the likelihood that he would flat out tell Bill that he raped Arthur? Low, I'd think. Most likely, he would just say that the two of them had sex.

Now think about this- Bill has mostly likely lived his entire life hiding his sexuality and only expressing it in secret because if he does otherwise, he will be punished in some form or another. But now he learns that another man in camp, the fucking enforcer of all people, has apparently went to this man for sex.

Do you realize what this means for a gay person? Especially a gay person who lives in a society that actively discourages and punishes same-sex relations? It doesn't necessarily mean that that person would try to drum up a relationship, but there is comfort in the fact that now you know another person who is experiencing the same thing you are- the solidarity in that is priceless. I would know, I come from a culture that still kills gay people.

When Bill comes up to Athur, he genuinely sound giddy, like he found a big secret. There wasn't really any malice in his voice, other than a "haha, guess what I just found out" sort of tone.

When Arthur tells him to get out of there, he didn't seem offended. He didn't seem annoyed or aggressive, which is unusual for Bill. He just puts his hands up in surrender and goes off, almost as if he was saying "hey, I get it man," in the sense that a man during this time period, especially a man like Arthur, wouldn't want to be found out as gay. Internalized homophobia was definietly rampant.

He genuinely doesn't seem to have malice in that tone- Bill only talks like that when he is either excited or happy or acting like a human being. And at this point in the game, Bill still respected Arthur, so I doubt he would want to step on his toes, especially in a way like that.

If I am not talking out of my ass, this could be such a great moment of character development for Bill- sympathy for another man supposedly like him in the world that they lived in. Fucking Bill having sympathy and empathy- who would've thought.

Or he could be mocking Arthur for being a rape victim because Bill is genuinely a piece of shit.

But on the off chance that he does not? What an interesting microcosm of LGBTQ+ dynamics in 1899 America.

In any case, FUCK SONNY AND DONT GET INVITED INTO HOUSES IN THE SWAMPS-

[tomssexdoll]

part 2 to the night we met because I need a happy ending and you guys do too

The media was filled with Toms accident, papparazzi had already taken photos, plastering pictures of his staker walking away from the scene.

Little did they know I was still in hospital with Tom. 20 minutes later they found a pulse again, by some miracle he had survived.

I sighed in relief, my heart thumping out of my chest. He slowly woke up, groggy and extremely tired. They gave him some fluids and food and treated him.

After 3 weeks he got better, we returned home and he had a slight limp, still recovering from a nasty shot wound. It had punctured an important artery but was 2mm from killing him completely.

We turned on the news and saw her face burn into the screen, a mugshot of her, her eyes evil, full of rage.

I turned it off, not wanting to see her ever again, flashes of that night haunting my mind. I turned to Tom and just held him close, his weak arms wrapping around me softly.

"I'm here baby..it's ok" he whispered into my hair, I started to sob, just like I did at the accident. Tears flowed from my eyes and onto his shirt, drenching it completely.

"Oh baby..don't cry" he winced, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head, "I was so scared..you being pronounced dead for 20 minutes was the worst time of my life, the longest 20 minutes I'd ever experienced.." I sniffled, looking up at him and holding his face in my hands, needing to touch him desperatly, feel his skin on mine.

"I don't want to lose you again" I cried out "I need to feel your skin on mine to feel safe again, feel content" he nodded and just held me for hours, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, reassuring me nothing bad was ever going to happen again, that she was far away from us and wouldn't be getting out of jail.

The band decided to take a break from touring and cancelled the last city they were going to play at. From then on we upgraded our security, getting bodyguards and therapy for the both of us. Some nights I'd wake up from horrendus nightmares of the night. Sometimes it was just her face, some was just him being slowly dragged away, but all would end in me screaming and waking up in a cold sweat, Tom having to hold me for a full hour before I was ready to sleep again.

It was scary, the whole situation traumatized me but I was glad I had Tom, if I lost him the world would stop turning, nothing would matter anymore. When I'm not with him, I hold that photo I took of him that night close, texting him every 5 minutes to see if he's ok.

tags: @itsmealaiah @tomscumdump @tomscumdoll @bkaulitzlover @ballhair @estxkios @charliesgoodboy @ge-billsgf

[blueteller]

So, I discovered the "random incorrect quotes generator" and had some fun with it. Here you go 😂

Alberu: So. Choi Han and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us Cale: *sighs* …What did Choi Han do? Alberu: He chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and… Choi Han: *smiles innocently* Do you need a steering wheel, Cale-nim?

Cale: We need to get through this locked door. Bud, give me your money Bud: …Ok, here? Cale: *pockets it* Thanks. Choi Han, kick down the door Bud: …

Eruhaben: While I'm gone - Raon, you're in charge. Raon: Yes!!! Eruhaben: *whispers* On, you're the one actually in charge. On: *whispers back* Obviously.

Basen: Where's Lily? She isn't answering Violan: I'll call Basen: Father and I have both tried six times ea- Violan: Lily! Lily: *in distance* Yes?

Cale: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'? Choi Han: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated- Raon: Smad! Cale & Choi Han: … (How can he be so cute)

Tasha: Alberu, tell Mary about the birds and the bees Mary: *stares silently* Alberu: *sweats* Alberu: …They're disappearing at an alarming rate

Cale: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm f***ing pissed Gods: *shiver* (Why do I hear boss music-?)

On: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life Raon: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? On: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Hong: …edible! Cale: *shivers in the distance*

Cale: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 billion gallons? Choi Han: *thinks carefully* If you stabbed me, you could just heal me with a potion, and then we could buy another big-a** villa somewhere Clopeh: *enthusiastic* You could stab me too, and then you'd have 20 billion! Choi Han: *pulls out his sword with a smile* …Good thinking

*Archie and Paseton sitting in jail together* Paseton: So, who should we call for help? Archie: …I'd call Cale, but I think I feel safer in jail

Rasheel: *sarcastic* How petty can you get? Mila: *smiling* I once edited historical documents to win an argument I was wrong about Rasheel: *scared* What the f-

Alberu: ...You know those things will kill you, right? Eruhaben: *pouring himself a glass of vodka* That's the point. Choi Han: *smoking 10 cigarettes at once* We're trying to speed up the process. Cale: *nods while eating raw cookie dough*

Witira: You have to apologize to Paseton Archie: …Fine. Archie: 'Unf*** you', or whatever

Cale: Looking left cause you don't treat me right Choi Han: Looking right because you left Raon: Looking up cause you let me down Alberu: Looking down cause you f***ed up White Star: *bleeding from having his arm ripped off* …What is wrong with you guys??

Alberu: *walks into his bedroom* …Hello, people who do not live here. Cale: Hey. Choi Han: Hello. Raon: Hi cookie prince! Hong: *chewing* Alberu: You know I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only, right? On: *shrugs* We were out of cookies

Cale: I've come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than 'f***' Raon: Human, you poopy dumbo!! Cale: … Cale: …that works, I guess

Alberu: Instructor-nim, why do you always wear black? Choi Han: So that when someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven't decided yet' is a valid response. Alberu: *thoughtfully* Hm. I should try that at the next nobles meeting

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Eruhaben* Eruhaben: *hairflips* Fool, are you blind? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived. Also, if you could drag comb through that hair you would be a 7 at most, everyone knows I'm a constant 10-

Raon: Human, you'll have a hard time believing this because it never happens - but it seems I made a mistake! Cale: *sighs* ...What did you do this time?

Deruth: You see, children, nothing in life is free- Lily: Love is free! Basen: Knowledge is free Violan: Artistic inspiration is free Cale: *smirks* Everything is free if you simply loot it

White Star: I learned some very valuable lessons from this. Sheritt: I'm guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should've taken away. White Star: Death isn't real, and I'm basically God.

(Cage remix) Cage: *drinking* I learned some very valuable lessons from this. Taylor: ...I'm guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should've taken away? Cage: Death isn't real, and neither is God God of Death: *sobbing in the distance*

Deruth: Cale… just how many kids do you have? Cale: …Biologically, emotionally, or legally? Deruth: 0_0

[sassykinzonline]

naruto and i spent yesterday watching drag race, i would like to do a roast to celebrate kakashi's hokage inauguration:

kakashi is the only hokage in history to fumble the bag for both his homosexual AND heterosexual love interests; however, he continues a long line of hokages to completely fail their students--or if youre tsunade, fail at picking a student.

many people have been wondering why kakashi wears his mask. it's really simple: hes hiding the smell of might guy's "youth" on his breath from iruka.

kakashi was born an old soul, as you can tell by his grey hair. and just like every old man in our village, hes a publicly indecent sex pest. hes been carrying around that porn novel of his for as long as ive known him. i guess he was inspired by naruto's motto: "never give up"....trying to cure your erectile dysfunction.

as many of you know, kakashi's notorious for 2 things: his sharingan and his dogs. there's a saying that goes "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", and it must be true given kakashi uses the same 3 jutsus over and over. watching him fight is more painfully repetitive than itachi's tsukuyomi.

speaking of itachi, kakashi's name means "scare crow". fitting, given not too long after joining kakashi's anbu team did itachi get fed up and decide to kill our entire family.

the time after that was extremely difficult for me, and im grateful kakashi took me under his wing because we have a lot of things in common. i once asked him what he would do if i killed everyone he loves, and he told me they were all already dead. so i guess instead of "hatake, scare crow", we should be calling him "hatake scares the hoes".

as a teacher, i learned so much from him. i'd like to think if he wrote a book about his teachings, it would be called "how to lose friends and influence people to defect from the village." some of the things hes taught me include chidori--which should be used to stab directly through the heart of those you love and who love you, permanently disfiguring the person you love so you know its real, and how to let survivor's guilt cripple you and define your whole life.

but i also learned from his mistakes. my inspirational loud dumb gay bestie is still alive (not for lack of trying on both our parts), and we successfully communicated our feelings. plus, the girl that is bafflingly in love with me despite me being obviously gay is still alive (again, not for lack of trying).

so thank you, kakashi, for all that you've done for me. you are the best man for the job--considering everyone else is dead, cut in half, in jail, or danzo shimura. you will do your village proud.

i wish you a long life of continuing to inspire and annoy generations of uchiha.

[callsigns-haze]

Pretty like a crime

Chapter 11

Pairing: Agent Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x Singlemom! Agent Y/n 'Cobra' Y/l/n

Summary: Cobra is finally back on the agency and is finally back in the job. With Kai at home she has to jumble being a mother and a agent. She's sent to her first U.C mission but never thought that she would meet a blonde, green eyed Texan...

Warning: Mentions of gun use, ptsd, mentions of death, mentions of shooting, flirting, mentions of abuse, description of dead body, death, blood, undercover work, alcohol use, smut, kissing

Prologue/ Part 1/ Part 2/Part 3/ Part 4/ Part 5/ Part 6/ Part 7/ Part 8/ Part 9/ Part 10

"Jake calm down!" Jake was furious, fuming. If he didn't calm down at this pace he'd turn into a cartoon character with smoke coming from their nose and ears.

Kai was asleep in his room, he insisted on taking Alfie to sleep with him. Kai has fallen in love with that dog. Alfie became his new best friend. You adored it and so did Jake but with the two of them sleeping, the two of you had to tone down.

"How am I meant to calm down, Cobra! He basically threatened you," Jake was pacing up and down the room. You didn't know how to calm him down. You informed Jake about your meet and greet in the hall with Matthew and let's just say it drove your boyfriend mad.

"Jake we have bigger things in mind! There's a bloody killer, swiping us all off and you're here worried about my ex?!?" You were terrified. The whole dagger crew was nearly eliminated. Just you, Bradley, Jake and Javy. Each of the others was knocked down like a pawn in a failed match of chess.

This stops Jake and he walks over to you. He wraps his arms around your waist. His arms delicately rest on your hips as he comes closer, kissing your forehead and reassuring you, "Cobs, I'd fucking die before letting anything happen to you or Kai. You guys saved me and I'll do anything to save you." You nod and pull into his chest.

You were scared, shaking in fear was a way to put it. You didn't know what to do, you were scared for life and your friends were just out six feet underground. You pulled back, and nodded tiredly. He smiled at you, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear before relaying his delicate lips on top of yours. You hum into the kiss before you pull apart.

"Should I clean up?" You wondered, due to the two wine glasses and earlier dinner plates that were still left to be washed. He shook his head, leading you towards your son's bedroom. You stand in front of the frame as he answers. "Go, lay with Kai. I'll clean up and I still have some work. Rest, okay? The two of you are safe."

"And Alfie?"

"And Alfie."

You open the door and step in as Jake heads speeding into the kitchen to reach his phone. Have you ever seen a cartoon character run? You know, like tom, from Tom and jerry. When his legs turn into wheels due to the incredible speed he just took off at? Yep, that was the perfect way to describe Jake.

He rushes over to his phone to quickly send an email. He knew this had to be quick and fast, mixed with a good bribe and paycheck. He looks back over to the door that he sent you into. He knew if you caught him doing this you'd be fuming, absolutely ballistic.

He just emailed Justin to contact Matthew. It was a set up. If Matthew believed that he was going to meet Justin and then magically bumped into Jake's fist nothing bad would happen, right? Just a coincidence. Jake quickly went to his contact list, calling straight to Coyotes number.

'Hello?'

'Javy, meet me at the old factory near the deck in twenty.'

------

After everything that happened, Matthew was out of control at the start. His father was in jail, his brother murder and a lot of more dilemma that nobody cares about or asked for. You simply never thought youd end up in this situation.

You were running through the parking lot. He was on your heels, he was chasing you and wouldn't stop. He was armed as well. You keep running as fast you could until you took the wrong turn. He came out of nowhere. You didn't see him coming. He grabbed your hair and pushed you down. The wind was knocked out of you. The words were taken out of your mouth as you lay flat on the ground and he kneeled against your chest.

"You took everything from me."

Matthew was furious, he held the gun to your head and you were sure he was about to pull the trigger from you more than instantly. He was right, you did just ruin him. But he had taken more from you. His family ruined you, you played their little good girl slave for a while too long.

"You did it first."

------

Jake looked over at the faint body, that was tied to the pole. The man's body, was sat down, legs wide open in a v-shape, arms tied behind his back and neck quite crushed due to choking force. Javy looked over at his friend and didn't know what to say. This was the right thing. Right? I mean it had to be.

"He's not dead properly, he's dying though." Justins voice comes from the darkness as he wears his black gloves with a knive twirling in his fingers. All three men are now standing side by side. They all stare at the still, somehow, alive man tied to the pole. They knew Iif they left it like this, it'd be obvious it was them who did this.

"So you're telling me that thing can still breathe?" Javy asks, point at Matthew's corpse like body as Jake never lifts his gaze of Matthew.

This man was the reason you have lived in fear for years. Each day of your and his marriage was another day of him mistreating you and your future son. He disgusted Jake, how could a man that was kissed by god's blessing, mistreat a woman like you.

"He used to hurt her, you know. After his brother and father, he chose drugs and chugged down with alcohol. He deserved it." Justins words were true, syllable to syllable. But did he deserve it? Nobody deserved to die by their neck getting broken against a pole. Nobody deserved to be strangled by three men on a late nights evening.

But he did hurt you. He tortured you. Used you. He hurt you all your life, in ways nobody knew before. Matthew did deserve it.

"I didn't mean this to happen." Jake was still in a trance. He's killed many men in his days but he has never, never in his full career, felt sorry about it. And now he may, scratch that, he just killed Kai's father and your old husband.

"I know. Look… You two leave. I'll finish the poor bastard off." Javy and Jake just nod and let Justin finish Matthew and take the grown man out of his misery. The two friends walk out. Javy lays his hand upon Jake's back and paths him in reassurance. This wasn't Jake's fault, Matthew threatened you and Jake along with Kai. He was the man who wasted your life.

The sound of something like an atomic drill burst their eardrums. It's like the whole world went numb. Everything went numb.

That's the sound of a machine gun.

Current taglist:

@callsign-magnolia

@shanimallina87

@callsign-dexter

@rosiahills22

@horseslovers2016

@djs8891

@hookslove1592

@emma8895eb

@hardballoonlove

@kmc1989

@dempy

@mamachasesmayhem

@senawashere

@emma8895eb

@buckysteveloki-me

@sweetwhispersofchaos

@a-beaverhausen

@itsmytimetoodream

[dimepdf]

𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐆𝐈𝐑𝐋 𝐖𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆. + 𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐘 𝐂𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐇𝐀𝐌

masterlist. / taglist. / any request? synopsis. you're a dead girl walking, might as well fuck the shit out of the tall, dorky white guy down the street.

pairing. corey cunningham x reader

word count. 3.2k

genre and warnings. +18 nsfw under the cut. minors dni, angsty start, pwp, don’t squint too hard at the plot, myers!reader, sub!corey, fuck movie canon, inspired by Heathers, mentions of movie canon violence, bullying, costume sex, hair pulling, whimpering, crying kink, sub/dom, praise kink, degradation kink, edging, grinding, unprotected sex, creampie NOTE BETA'D | — feedback is always welcomed & don't forget to reblog 🤍

"Do you have some kind of death wish, Myers?" Stacy hissed, her tone tinged with irritability.

As you two argued on the porch of the house party, the night air became damp as the moon lit up the home's stone pathway, your feet slapping against the cool concrete as you held onto your heels. 

"Stacy, I said no to them both like a fucking broken record. Please excuse my fucking standards." You spit back as if it were common sense, staring in disbelief at your friend.

"Here you go with this standard's nonsense." Stacy scoffed drunkenly, her stance shaky as they descended rather than down the house's long entryway.

"Do you think anyone would fuck the town freaks sister? If I were you, I'd give it to anyone who was desperate enough." You flinched at the insult, her steps halting as she turned to Stacy, arms crossed and her face dazed from the amount of alcohol coursing through her veins.

You wished to believe that it was just the alcohol talking, that her only friend in the fucked town had abandoned her since her birth.

“You know what Terry, fuck Billy, fuck this party, fuck this entire town and escaiplly fuck you.” Your tone was laced with rage.

Your words carried the weight of years of accumulated hatred, your voice still shook and your eyes pricked with frustration as you struggled to keep a sob from marching down the rest of the driveway.

"Oh please, you're a fucking sob story, ___. Your family is full of fucking psycho killing freaks. Your parents never loved you, and your brother tried to kill you. You have no one and you're a fucking nobody, Myers remember that." Stacy screamed, her words piercing you through the heart. Her rant was cut short when she stumbled drunkenly in her own heels.

You had grown up to loathe the things that lurked in the shadows. Unlike most kids, you hadn't grown to despise only the myths and monsters that lurked in the shadows, but your older brother was waiting for the right moment to emerge from the darkness and exact his revenge on you. 

All because you had shared the same last name. 

You still trudged down the street, but with a new perspective. You never intended to be in such a state. Your entire day had been spent attempting to blend in with the kids around you, as if they didn't all think of you as the town freak.

You imagined that if you just tried hard enough, people would realize that you were a completely different person than your last name suggested.

Your parents abandoned you, leaving their life in town, because of the horrible acts committed by your older brother, whom you hadn't even met yet and who had nothing to do with you.

The road was deserted as you stumbled down the middle, your arms wrapped around yourself, hugging for warmth in the thin material of your cheap angel costume.

Which consisted of a white furry halo headband and a white romper that hugged at your waist and stopped at the sweet spot of your thighs. If it weren't for the white fishnets that crisscrossed down to your bare feet, your legs would be bare.

Your tipsy mind had led you to a familiar neighborhood, with some of the porch lights glistening in your path as if beckoning you forward. You knew who lived at the house at the end of the road like a moth to a flame; Corey Cunningham.

Not only had he recently been released from jail for rumored child murder, but he was also labeled as one of the town's new boogymen after it was discovered that they could simply bully you into being the perfect little submissive victim, shoving you so far into submission that you would practically flinch at your own name.

The universe seemed to want their worlds to collide, his bedroom window was on the first floor. You were a girl with both needs and eyes.

Of course, you thought Corey was somewhat attractive. There was just something about nerdy men and their cute glasses that you couldn't get out of your head.

All you could think about as you walked down the street were the things you were going to do to him.

You knew it wasn't healthy to channel all your pent-up emotions into the embodiment of horny fantasies for some poor man with whom you hadn't even had a full conversation before he trembled and scurried away at the sight of you.

But the moment you stepped onto the family lawn, all logic went out the window.

Crawling through the bushes to peer in his window, a sweet smile formed on your lips as you saw him laying down on his mattress with only the light of his television playing some only sci-fi movie illuminating his room of any light.

Another thing that drew your attention was Corey in his plaid pajama pants and Legends of Zelda symbol t-shirt, which perfectly fit his biceps.

You'd heard rumors of him working at a junkyard and seen him riding his manual motorcycle around town, and you wanted to thank whoever was responsible for giving that man sculpted muscles hidden beneath his clothes.

With a deep sigh, you finally made your move forward, knocking two quick knocks against the glass pane straddling him to get his attention.

Corey's eyes darted to his window, a hand over his chest and a startled expression on his face, before returning to stare in confusion at the woman standing outside his window.

His approach was hesitant, his long legs striding across the room before unlocking the window and sliding it open enough for you to lean in on your toes and smile brightly up at him.

"Uh, hello," Corey says, his tone retaining that familiar awkwardness that makes you shudder with a gulp of pleasure. "Can I help you?" Despite not even formally introducing yourself, your hips caught against the hunch of the window as you struggled your way into the bedroom.

Giving Corey a perfect view of your ass in the tight romper that barely covered anything, causing Corey to immediately press his arms to his side.

Instead of staring at you and your legs, he's looking up at his ceiling. His face flushed pale pink and his thoughts stuttered as he tried to figure out why you were crawling inside his bedroom.

"Sorry about that, it's not every day I get much practice climbing through random windows." You chuckled after falling flat against the wooden floor and crawling to stand up. 

You wanted to laugh at Corey's expression, glancing down at your outfit, which revealed that you were dressed like an angel, with widened eyes and mouth agape. The situation could only be compared to a bad porn scenario.

"By the way, why did you crawl through my window?" With a small content sigh, Corey asked awkwardly as he watched you make yourself at home, setting your heels down and spreading out against the bed. 

You were already perked up by the sight of him fidgeting nervously in the corner. It was like Corey could tell by the dangerous dark glint in your eyes that your intentions were anything but innocent.

"What, can't the town freaks just hang out together? Can't a concerned neighbor drop by every now and then to say hello?" The change in tone made Corey shiver.

The belief of your eyes examining him made him feel even more nervous than the looks he'd get from the locals out in public. You, ___ Myers appeared truly dangerous, and this had awoken something within him.

"Come on Core, don’t you wanna watch the rest of the movie?" You ask, crawling up against the headboard, his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt before drawing his blinds and shuffling to sit just an arm's length away from you, as if you were a wild animal ready to pounce at any moment.

When you see Corey's fingers fisted stiffly at his sides, you can't help but smile. As the film progressed, the two of you grew closer to each other, despite Corey's hesitations.

Regardless, the boy ended up with his face flushed, his face resting on the plush of your breasts, your fingers raking through his curls as he slowly unwinds beneath your fingertips.

Your thoughts were clouded by a risky impulse, weaving a fist full of strands between your fingers and lightly tugging, your smile only growing at his soft whimper.

Your acknowledgement did not relieve his embarrassment as he buried himself deeper into the valley of your cleavage, wanting to hide his face as his arms wrapped around your waist and he pulled himself closer.

"You're doing this on purpose." Corey cuddled closer to the point where his clothed erection pressed against your thigh in a desperate attempt to grind against your leg, wanting to ease the growing neediness that had been suddenly overwhelmed by your hands.

"And if I am?" you asked authoritatively, a smirk on your face daring him to give in more.

"Would you like me to stop?" Corey's head shakes shamelessly, only whimpering when your grip tightens, yanking his head to meet your gaze, his face flushed, lips pouting, and eyes glazed over.

You were almost convinced that if you really wanted him to cry, he would.

"No, please don't." Your fingers reached out to trace his Adam's apple as it bobbed, swallowing the nerves trapped in his throat. "I want... I want whatever you're willing to give me." You drew your neck down to lean in closer to his face, your foreheads resting together as his long lashes fluttered against yours. 

Your lips curled into a smile as he kept your gaze fixed on your lips, exhaling a small chuckle before finally granting him his wish.

From the way Corey instantly melted into your mouth, vocal with his content as he whimpered and moaned against your lips, you could tell he was a bit inexperienced or perhaps just very keen to be making out with you.

You felt him flinch from under your hands as your tongue probed past his lips as your mouths moved in time with your head tilt. Your teeth brushed against each other as he tried to get as close to you as possible.

His lips were messing with you, and your mind fogged as he practically caged you up against his mattress with such neediness that all you could do to ground yourself was pull away from the kiss.

You're trying to take a deep breath. Corey was quick to follow your mouth, leaning in for another kiss.

With a deviant smile, your hand combed through his hair, yanking his head away. "Whoah, Core, slow down and remember who's in charge here."

His expression instantly softened. "I'm sorry." His apology was genuine, as made evident by the way he looked up at you with those big brown eyes, as if he were a puppy being scolded.

“Awe, I'll forgive you. Just be a good boy for me." Corey's face flushed with embarrassment at the compliment, knowing that you could feel his erection pulsing against your thigh.

He felt as if he were dreaming, as if you would slip from his grasp at any moment or leave him blue-balled in his bedroom as some sick joke.

He wanted to take it all in, leaning against your neck and kissing your collarbone. He snatched the zipper of your romper down to your torso, apparently satisfied with the sound of your breathy reaction.

When he saw your laced white push-up bra, his mouth watered and he trailed wet kisses against your breasts, his tongue teasing your nipples through the material with a deep moan.

“Ah, Corey, you make me feel so good." You gently encouraged him, knowing that the compliment went straight to his dick as he twitched.

His eyes were tightly shut, his groan muffled by his mouth being encircled around your nipple.

"They're so pretty," he slurred against your bra, his hands fondling you as if your body had been made for him to touch.

His free hand reached between the two of you and grabbed you by the knee hook, pressing your thigh up against him with more force to grind down on you, the wet patch against his pants leaving a cold feeling against your leg as it rubbed against it.

The realization that you had turned Corey into such a whimpering mess had sparked a fire within you, and you had decided right then that you needed more.

You drew him closer, grabbing his chin and jerking him out of whatever trance you had over him, glaring down at him as his arms perched at your sides, holding up his weight.

His eyes were focused completely, with an uneasiness behind them, studying yours. "When did you say you could grind against me like that?" you asked, your voice firm.

As his hips released from your leg, Corey sighed, his brow furrowed.

The loss of friction caused his face to fall back to your torso, kissing your chest up to your collarbone and stopping at your neck, his nose nudging against your ear. "Please, ___, I need you so badly," he begged, the feeling of his thigh muscles twitching as he held back.

"I know, baby, I know." How quickly your tone managed to soften shouldn’t have made him groan in arousal.

As you comb your fingers through his hair without pulling on the strands, his teeth brush against your neck. You absorbed the almost pitiful image of him doubling down in desperate desperation.

As Corey squirmed from the unexpected contact, you sat up and pushed him back, your fingers quickly working their way through his sweatpants.

Your fingers yanked the elastic, grinning at the bulge against his thigh, his underwear not leaving much to the imagination as it outlined his erection like a spotlight, your hand reaching to palm him against the material. "Are you all worked up just for me, baby?"

The way his brows pressed together as he whined made you think you'd seen Corey melt right there and then. "Y-yes, please," Corey begged, watching your hands grab the elastic of his briefs and pull the hem down just enough to reveal his dick.

"Would you please touch me?" As Corey shivered from the contact, his head fell back against the headboard, your fingers immediately indulged in the new permission, wrapping your fingers around the hilt.

Your thumb brushed up against the mushroom tip of his mushroom, spreading his precum along the rest of his length. The wet sound of your stroking him elicited a long whimper from Corey.

"You're so needy," you chuckled as your fingers slowly pumped him. Corey fisted the bedsheets, trying to gain some sort of grasp, his moans not letting up. "You want me to make you cum like this?" you asked sweetly, his nod only slowing your strokes as he whined at your change of pace.

"What's the point of that, baby? You don't want me to take my time?" Corey was convinced that your smile was wicked, that you had him all spread out and open just to play with him before you ate him up, and the crazy part was that he just continued to lie down and take it.

"Please, please, ___. I–i be good." He begged, squirming in his spot like he was willing to unwind with your simple command.

"Aw, begging isn't going to get you anywhere, pretty boy." As you jerked him off at a pace that had him daring to thrust his hips, your hands gripped his length tighter.

"I don't know how much I can take, please," he whined, his thick wet lashes and big dark eyes looking up at you.

"Why not, baby? You don't want to hold out just for me?" You teased him.

"Fine, fine, shit," he squirmed, keeping his hips from bucking against your hand.

"Good boy," you said easily. You shifted up and kissed the edge of his mouth, maintaining eye contact while chuckling, then leaning until your foreheads touched, whispering, "Maybe I should edge you all night huh?"

His eyes widened, and he looked at you with a pleading expression as your fingers brushed against his slit, tempting him to exhale a gasp. "No, please, I'll be great. Please allow me to cum," He pleaded, expressing how much he had crumbled as a result of your simple touch.

"I know," you admitted, laughing. Instead, you removed your hand, straddling against his thigh as the loss of contact caused him to mutter a string of curses.

His head thunk against his headboard, leaning back with a thunk. His distraction had given you enough time to shimmy out of the rest of your romper, exposing your underwear as you crawled closer to his legs to sit with your panties against his dick.

Corey’s hip reacted before he could, pressing against your hips with a grunt as you felt his cock react as you grabbed it again to guide him inside of you while you hooked your underwear to the side.

Your wet folds welcomed him inside with ease as you held him down to keep him from arching off of the mattress. "Woah, slow down, remember nice and slow."

"But it feels so good," he groaned, your smile widening at his discombobulated state, wanting to drink it all in as you lifted up his length to roughly drop down into his lap, your hands gripping his shoulder to support yourself as you rode him.

Corey's eyes glistened as he looked up at you, your halo outlined by his ceiling light, and despite your devilish smile, you looked like the perfect angel. "I can't, too much," he said quietly to you.

The wet sound of you two connecting almost knocked him over, giving him a clear view of you bouncing on his dick.

It didn't take long for him to figure out what to do with his hands after your boobs kept pace in front of his face. His lips return to caressing your breasts as if they were his favorite thing in the world.

As you clenched against him with your warm walls, you could feel Corey struggling to keep up, his thighs flinching and flexing with each thrust.

His moans only became more breathy, his pitch rising as he muttered long strings of pleadings just to cum with your permission.

You reluctantly granted him permission, your high catching up to you almost as quickly as his.

Corey wrapped his arms around your waist, pistoning his hips at such a desperate pace that you found yourself gripping his headboard tightly and biting back your moans as you came undone, clenching against him.

His orgasm shivered as he let go inside of you, painting your walls in thick white strands.

Corey dragged you down with the hold around your waist, cuddling against your chest to catch his breath, falling slack against his strong hold.

He didn't bother taking his length out, only purring against your skin as his hands grinded your ass against his still hard dick only confirmed that tonight would be a pretty long night for you.

🔖 ?

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[timefospookies]

Post Meursault arc ADA!Sigma and the average workplace convo 😋👍

“I fantasize about killing you a lot these days, I hope you know that.”

“I fantasize about killing me too! Any tips on how you’d go about it?”

Though Sigma almost choked on their own spit, no one else in the office seemed to bat an eye. Dazai, who had been silently bothering his work partner Kunikida for the better part of 20 minutes, had nearly gotten the poor man to snap. The poet tried to ignore that bastard the entire time, growing increasingly more agitated with each tease to the point Sigma feared he might explode. So when he finally threatened Dazai through gritted teeth, they felt inclined to fully believe his murderous intent. Kunikida twitched visibly, but made no move to spare his partner a single glance (whether that be to keep his own composure or to not satisfy Dazai was anyone’s guess).

”I'd hit you on the back of the head and toss you into the ocean.”

They couldn’t blame the guy, though. Sigma themselves had only known Dazai for, what, a month? And they couldn’t say the thought of killing him hadn’t slid through their mind at least once. But Kunikida had known him for YEARS. The bandaged man seemed to have this sort of cursed aura that made anyone within a 5 meter radius immediately want him dead, so it’s a miracle he was still standing in one piece. Dazai, on his end, leaned back into his chair in disappointment.

“How unceremonious of you, Kunikida,” he huffed, bored, “Can’t you do better than that?”

“Why, you…”

The man took a deep, shuddering breath to ground himself. He balled his hands into fists as he exhaled.

“Just. Get back to work.”

“Hey, wait, now you’ve got me curious,”

Both of the men and Sigma glanced at the end of the room towards the source of the voice. Ranpo, the super detective, had glanced up from his handheld to look at Kunikida. Now that he had their attention, he popped the lollipop out from his mouth and began to wave it around as he elaborated.

“You’d kill him via blunt damage, but with what? Where? When? How would you dispose of his body? I know you’d toss him in the ocean, but how would you go about it? Would you stuff him in the trunk of your car? Take a boat? How would you conceal his body?”

Sigma shifted uncomfortably in their seat. He is a detective, so with the amount of murders he must see on the daily must make for a pretty effective reverse engineered murder plan. However, this topic of conversation was rather unsavory for an Agency who was supposed to jail murderers, not become them. Kunikida, on the other hand, looked at the detective like he’d suddenly been enlightened.

“Good point…” he muttered.

Good point?!

“Hadn’t thought about it in detail, huh?” Ranpo smirked.

“No, I suppose not,”

Dr. Yosano, the Agency…well…doctor, spoke up.

“Me, personally? I’d tie him up, chop him into little pieces, and flush them down the toilet,”

Oh, so now they’re actually planning Dazai’s murder in front of him, that’s nice. Sigma glanced at the bandaged man in terror only to find him absolutely delighted with the situation. They didn’t know what else they expected out of him, honestly.

“Now, that’s an interesting way to go!” he chirped, “Though the chopping bit sounds rather unpleasant,”

“You’re getting murdered, it’s not supposed to be pleasant!” Kunikida snarled.

“I was just saying…”

“Sounds like an awful lot of blood,” Ranpo mused, interrupting, “What would you do about a mess that size?”

Then the little farm boy, Kenji, chimed in cheerily.

“Just kill him at a meat factory! No one would suspect random blood puddles at a meat factory!”

Consequently, Jun'ichirō, the illusion ability user, piped up as well.

“I feel like that would open up more problems than solutions though…” he said sheepishly, “Like, how would you even get into the meat factory?”

 “Are there any meat factories in Yokohama?” the doctor asked.

Dazai sighed, spinning in his chair.

“Not anywhere nearby, I reckon. You’d have to get me there first, and trust me, kidnapping is as much a hassle for you as it is for me.”

Kunikida spoke, thinking out loud more than anything.

“So dismemberment is too complicated, and blunt damage is too elaborate..” 

He suddenly perked up, in what Sigma could guess was…excitement.

“What about a staged suicide?”

Murmurs of agreement spread throughout the office.

“That’s more believable,” Ranpo said, nodding approvingly.

“Not just that, but you’d barely leave a trace,” Dr. Yosano added, “Just spike his drink and you’re done!”

But Dazai hummed once more, pondering over the idea in dissatisfaction.

“You’d need an ungodly amount of poison though…” he grumbled, deeply troubled, “I’m terribly resistant, you know? What could kill and elephant could give me a mild tummy ache,”

“Oh my god, never say tummy,” the doctor cringed. 

“My tummy wummy~”

The room was, again, filled with noise, only this time it was that of collective groans of disgust and Dazai’s vile cackling.

“See?! This is why people want you dead, Dazai!” she cried, “God!”

“Wait, okay, wait,” Jun'ichirō intervened once everyone had calmed down, turning his chair to face the man, “You’re not affected by any type of poison? Like, not even the strongest created or something?”

“Nope! I’ve tried it all before and-”

“WHAT?!”

Kunikida shot up from his seat and slammed his hands on Dazai’s desk- the latter looked up at him like a dog who'd been wrongly accused of something.

“What do you mean ‘what’? This is useful information!”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘WHAT DO I MEAN’?! I-! WHY-!”

In his absolute red-faced bewilderment, the poet fumbled over his words way longer than any regular person should. Dazai didn’t seem to mind as he patiently awaited his partner’s response. 

“D-! DON’T DRINK POISON!” he finally sputtered.

“I wasn’t going to,”

“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

And with that, the poet brought his iron fist down on the man’s head, and the impact seemed to shake the room. Dazai sprung to life.

“OW, WHAT THE HELL?!” he cried, comically gripping his head in terror, “KUNIKIDA, DO YOU WANT ME DEAD OR NOT?!”

Sigma honestly wondered the same thing. 

“YES. NO?! IT’S COMPLICATED, OKAY?!”

Kunikida grabbed his partner by the collar and began to shake him around forcefully, bringing Hell down as he continued to yell and as the other resumed his complaining. What is happening? Sigma involuntarily grinned in grim confusion.

“Is this…normal?” they wondered out loud.

“Pretty much,”

Sigma yelped, their soul nearly leaving their body in surprise. 

“How long have you two been standing there?!” they cried.

The realization that Atsushi (Dazai’s mentee) and Kyōka (Atsushi’s mentee) had been standing behind them (possibly through the whole ordeal) struck them uncomfortably hard.

“Tummy wummy,” the two chorused in response.

It seemed no one’s ears were spared from Dazai’s horrible words. 

Sigma made a face, feeling generally disoriented, and Atsushi chuckled nervously as he waved his hands around in an attempt to comfort them.

“H-Hey, don’t worry, you’ll get used to it!”

“You’ll have to if you want to leave work psychologically unscathed every day,” the girl then deadpanned.

“Kyōka..”

How comforting. 

‘You’ll get used to it’, huh? The tiger boy didn’t look exactly convinced of that either as he stared at his arguing seniors with a tired look of amused disappointment. Sigma soon realized that the same look was plastered on all of the Agency members’ faces. What a bizarre thing this was- the weird dynamics of these peculiar people. What was even more bizarre was the look of genuine fondness in everyone’s gaze. Did they hate each other? Did they care about each other? Is it just both? Did this feeling of endearment and annoyance apply to everyone beyond just these two idiots? Sigma sighed as they felt themselves relax, just a little bit. How truly, truly bizarre…they’d get used to it.

[1eos]

could you explain more on the gypsy rose and guy who attacked the judge comparison? (how it has textbook ableism, racism, etc) it sounds kinda interesting but i don’t know what’s going on much

THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!!

for gypsy rose its just rampantttttttttt 'perfect victim'-ism. i believe there is a term for the phenomenon but basically its like everyone will have disdain for an abuse victim unless they're dead then they're a statistic they can use for their own purposes. her mother was abusing and drugging her for years and wouldn't have stopped until she was dead but bc gypsy fought back literally at all and isnt constantly talking abt how she's scum of the earth some ppl are acting like she's some awful evil person and not an abuse victim who acted out of desperation. felt remorse. went to jail and is still on parole. and its misogyny bc we're living in a world that at the same time OBSESSES over and heralds male serial killers as ~geniuses~ that could outwit cops 🧍🏾‍♀️ its always 'women should be armed' and 'if i were abused i'd kill them' and then a woman gets rid of her abuser and its think pieces on how no one should be happy she's no longer being abused and even though its documented that she exhausted every avenue and begged for help and wasn't believed that there was 'another way'. bc abuse victims should just die in the court of public opinion esp a woman

and with the man....first the fact that him attacking the judge was treated as a meme was very weird and a form of misogyny like why is a woman getting jumped so funny? the racism came in in the most expected way. ppl talking abt how he should be put down, insinuating all black ppl are violent monsters/beasts/wild animals. just nasty stuff. one black person does something awful and that means the whole population should be culled according to racists online you get it. also when he showed back up in court they literally had him in a muzzle. and its like.............yeah that's definitely a talking point in a paper. and the ableism comes in bc ppl found out he's schizophrenic and all of the ppl who think mental disorders mean you're just uncontrollably violent w no control were like 'i feel so bad for him he was off his meds' and that's the juxtaposition btwn him and gypsy rose like she fought in self defense and ppl think she's a monster and he is defended despite not fighting for his life. and i believe no problem the jail withheld mental care but then it came out allegedly even ON his meds he was violent towards women but bc he's a man he will always have more grace and some circles of men see manhood AS violence esp towards women so theyre gonna defend that behavior or at least make light of it. and then just say it was his mental illness bc ableism tells ppl that if you have a spooky disorder then you're just violent and

but at the same time if gypsy rose was black. for one she'd still be in prison :/ so many black women kill their abuse victims and end up dying in jail :///// and if the black guy who attacked the judge were white they'd be doing anythingggggggggggg to make him 'redeemable' in the media. and the ableism would probably be even worse as a means to say the violence just isnt his fault! and if the judge were a man it probably wouldnt have turned into a funny meme but if the judge were a black woman then the leagues of ppl defending her would not be there bc white women are seen as innocent victims who never deserve violence (which fueled the racism he experienced tenfold) whereas black women DESERVE to be hurt for their attitudes. theyd be finding reasons to justify it.

idk just seeing these conversations happen at the same time just showed, to me, exactly how different identities preload different kinds of discourse!

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM OCEAN'S TWELVE *  assorted dialogue from the 2004 film, adjust as necessary

so... business.

can i talk to you for a second?

the last time we talked, you hung up on me.

i have feelings.

you used nasty words.

it says "do not disturb!"

your friends didn't tell you?

i cry every time.

i'd really like to play a more central role this time around.

do i look 50 to you?

you're all aces in my book, but i want the last check i write to bounce.

something is wrong. what is wrong?

how old do you think i am?

how many espressos have you had?

that's a good point.

i wanna eat your whole head.

you're doing recon work on our anniversary?

we could turn ourselves in. go to jail.

you're kidding me!

there's water in the basement, and the pilot light is out.

if you're going to ask if you can ask me a question, give me time to respond.

i do feel bad for the guy.

i've been living with my parents.

come on, he's one guy, and he's french.

who would i talk to if you're all dead?

doesn't this guy believe in fresh air?

i mean, this is a moral issue we're dealing with here.

i can't talk about it, and i can't talk about why.

it means you stay here.

i'll give you a million dollars if you don't speak for a month.

if any of you had a problem, who did you go to?

we hadn't even started.

what is it, a special occasion?

if, god forbid, anything does happen to you, we will not be involved.

what we do know is we need a job.

this? you couldn't see this?

this is just wrong.

so, how'd it go?

make the call.

what did you want them to do?

would you agree?

of course, we haven't considered the most obvious solution.

don't ever ask that. ever. seriously. not to anyone.

is he all right? are we all right?

okay. so what does this mean?

you told dad?

why don't i see these things?

i've never been to amsterdam.

you don't have to do that.

we came this close to losing that.

all right, let's go over the list again.

how do you think it feels when you're sitting down on the toilet and someone's banging on the door?

i hope they appreciate the fine job you did.

what are you doing?

i am a traveller in both time and space.

is that your idea of making a contribution?

hey, i don't even understand what happened in there.

what did i say?

we can't train a cat that quickly.

hey, can i ask you something?

oh my god, they should have gotten off the bus.

wait, why not?

look, it's not in my nature to be mysterious.

why are you dressed?

i really wanna thank my family.

i had to, sweetheart.

i'm really proud of you.

we need someone famous.

you know, i was once in a vault while it was being robbed.

[potterandpromises]

@ anon stop me if this isn't the footage you were talking about

(Discussion about possible Theo sighting in the leaked spoilery Arconia courtyard video.)

ENHANCE!

And at a slightly different angle:

Yeah this was filmed on a phone several stories up and I can't tell. But let's investigate:

I think the differentials here are height, hairline, and general build.

Height: According to those sketchy celebrity info websites, James Caverly (Theo) is 5′8″ and Jackie Hoffman (Uma) is 5′4″. That really doesn't look like a four inch height difference, or even a six inch height difference, but I don't know to what extent the angle of the video distorts things.

I think the height difference is why I dismissed this person as Theo when I first saw the video in May.

Hairline: I think it could be and that's all I'm gonna say.

Build: I think it's off but the longer I look at the picture the less I can tell. It also might just be the suit, as it doesn't look form fitting.

Another data point is the wardrobe. At another point in this episode (or at most the episode before it), Mabel is wearing the same exact shade of blue she wore in 2x07. In the OMITB podcast, the wardrobe people have repeatedly said they dress the characters to match the set or each other. It's possible Mabel was dressed for a scene in Theo's apartment.

Possibly-Theo is also matching the children whom I assume to be Will's. Cute!

Let's consider some other suspects:

Cliff:

Wesley Taylor (Cliff) is 5′9″, I can't imagine why Cliff would be at the wedding (even if he's not in jail,) and the ears look wrong, though I'd need more pixels to say for sure. The hairline, however, is very similar.

Paul Rudd:

Ben Glenroy is dead, but reviews and casting information indicate Paul Rudd is coming back as a new character (as Paul Rudd, perhaps?) He is 5′10.″ We have no idea, at present, if this character would have a reason to be at Oliver's wedding.

Other:

John Hoffman is the one officiating the wedding. With that in mind, it seems likely other behind-the-scene-ers are in the audience. I'm not going to post his picture for obvious reasons, but in this video you can see a makeup artist (?) who could be our guy. (Mostly I'm mentioning this just to like, say I called it if it is him.)

It could also be some other extra. A lot of the audience is not recognizable and we can assume many of them are just friends and relatives of Oliver and Loretta that are unknown to the viewer.

We've reached the end of this post. I think... it's more likely then not that this is Theo. As Mabel's friend/roommate he has a clear reason for being there. But I wouldn't give it super high odds, maybe 60/40. Maybe that's too hopeful, or maybe it's overly cautious. It's really the height that gives me pause.

Let's do a poll: