#that give me anxiety related to the rain right now

[medicinemane]

It's amazing how much having the roofer who put my roof in and have a direct monetary incentive to finding something wrong with my roof telling me it's fine other than some bruising lets me calm my anxiety about the rain

I'm still worried about whatever's causing the water to leak around that pipe (only when it rains so... I wouldn't think it's plumbing related), but... I can put that one aside if I know it's not a problem with the roof

It's just amazing though what solid information can do

[luveline]

hi bae, just wondering if you could write something like roommate!marauders and reader with anxiety where everytime one of them goes out she gets really worried that’s somethings gonna happen to them and waits up for them and just feels like a burden when she calls to make sure they’re alright and just general anxiety things and them being so sweet about it

love u

love u too♡

cw death related anxiety

“Hey, Remus?” you ask tentatively. 

Your housemate lays across the sofa with his dinner half eaten on the coffee table and a book tented on his chest. He's ignoring both in favour of the television, a rerun of Family Fortunes turning the sofa cushions and his pale skin a light blue. 

He drags his blue-tinged gaze from the subtitles to your frowning. “What's wrong?” he asks. You're surprised he heard you over the sound of Sirius’ stereo echoing down the stairs. 

“Where did James say he was going?” 

“I think he said he'd be at the gym for an hour now he's not in work. Want me to call him?” 

“Why would you call him?” you ask, instead of saying yes, please, like you want to. 

“You're worrying again.” 

They know how you are. It doesn't mean they have to understand —it isn't logical to think James is hurt because he hasn't been home today yet, and none of them are required to humour you in your worry, but they always do. 

You feel sick as he takes his phone from his pocket. You've convinced yourself that James is dead, that his car curled around a bend too quickly on the drive in the rain, or that something happened at the gym, or that he never made it there at all, had a fit in the car park outside of work. Even as you think it, you know it's implausible, unlikely, just a repetitive negative anxiety worming its way into your head, but you can't make it stop. 

James doesn't answer the first time, which doesn't help, and then when he does answer the second time you're waiting for bad news. Remus smiles as he talks. “Hello? Jamie?”

James doesn't need speak phone to be heard. “Remus! I'm at the gym, what's happening?”

Remus wrinkles his nose. “What's happening? Since when do you say that?”

“What's up?” James corrects. “I'm on my way out of the gym, can you talk? You can keep me company while I drive.” 

Remus holds out the phone to you. 

“Remus?” James asks into the room. You take the phone before he can hang up, and decide to be honest, but the words get stuck like toffee between your teeth. “Hello?” 

“Hey,” you say, sending Remus a grateful look. He moves over to make room on settee for you, and his arm wraps familiarly around your shoulders as you settle in. He turns his attention back to his show. 

“Oh my god hey, angel. Remus okay?” 

“I was making him ring you, sorry. I thought… you know what I'm like. It's getting late and you aren't home, and I know I don't have the right to pester you about where you are.”

“Yeah you do,” James says, his voice louder, like his mouth is very close to the microphone. “Course you do. I'd worry too if you weren't home yet.” 

“I do this all the time, though.”

Just last week he and Sirius were out late and you'd panicked that they'd both been hurt. You stayed up until almost one in the morning waiting for them to get home from a music shop in the city, each minute after eleven like a shot of ice water in your veins. Sirius jumped when he saw you waiting in the living room, but then he'd given you a hug and rubbed at your shoulders roughly. You didn't wait up for us, did you? 

“It's worse lately, yeah?” James asks. You hum non-committal, and Remus gives you a squeeze in typical Remus fashion. You hadn't even realised he was listening, but his support makes this easier. “You're worrying about us more.”

“Yeah,” you say. “I don't know why. And it sucks because I know it's making me a lot to deal with.” 

“I would one thousand percent prefer it if you rang me then sat there worrying. That would make me feel better. And Remus and Sirius feel the same way, okay? We could all stand to ring each other a bit more anyways.” 

You rub your nose into your hand. “Sorry,” you mumble. 

“There's no need to be. I love you, ‘n I just want you to be happy. If a phone call can make that happen then why shouldn't you do it? And it's not like they're a big imposition, I like talking to you. We all do.”

James is home from the gym what could only be ten minutes later, and he leans over the back of the settee to kiss your forehead chasely. “Here we are, all safe and well.” 

“You haven't seen Sirius yet,” Remus points out.

“I can bloody well hear him. What is he listening to? Is that U2?” James shakes his head in disgust. “I can see why you were so worried I wasn't coming home. Let me go put a stop to that immediately.” 

[sillygoosealert]

Both arms cradle you now (Before you're wrapped in cloth)

ANGST, DEATH, comfort and fluff in the beginning !! (trust me..)

There is no one to relate to you. You feel so much and let it fill you, eventually becoming your only defying trait. Some even knew you as the girl who will always be forgotten at best and Sukuna's second option at worst. If you were forgotten, you were just like others. If you were a second option, you just weren't good enough.

But as your thoughts consume you, knowing the people around you stare with something close, but not quite pity. Someone sits beside you while you're self-loathing in the tea house.

It was raining not too long ago, hence why you chose to get under somewhere covered instead of the many benches and grassy spots across the garden.

When you look beside you, you see a radiant girl with a smile that stretches ear to ear. Saying anything else about her appearance is difficult, as trying to remember her face is just a blur.

She was close to being the Great Sukuna's second wife but came just 3rd place when next to you and Haruko. In your opinion, she was better than you. Loads more optimistic than you if you were asked to be more specific.

She was humming something absentmindedly, tapping her fingers against her lap.

"Did you ever think about your future with Sukuna? With and without him having a seconded wife," There's no eye contact when she asks that, just more humming and admiring the wet landscape.

"A little. But I don't have a say in how most things go, so I don't get my hopes up."

"I think you have more of a say than you realize," She pauses before going on.

"The garden always looks so pretty when it rains, more comforting." You snort at that, knowing you wouldn't be out here if you knew it would rain.

"I'm glad you have something positive to say about it. I think it's too melancholy," Relaxing a little, you take another look at her, soaking in the smile still plastered on her face.

"Did you ever fantasize about being the wife of Sukuna?" At the moment, you immediately want to take back your words, but you're glad you asked. It's nice to keep talking to her.

"Much more than I'd tell. I wanted a cute room with a baby and a garden just for the three of us. I even picked out baby names- boy and girl."

"Sounds like you had it planned out."

"We did. If only I could know what I know now," She says with a shakey voice, and when you look over, her eyes are wet with tears; that's your clue not to pry anymore.

"I notice your eyes gloss over when he's with Haruko. I want you to know I see you," Now she's looking at you, and you bring yourself to look right back at her.

"Do you know what it's like to mourn something and not know what it is at the same time?" You choke out.

"Yes, I do," She smiles at that, and while your eyes can't reciprocate it, you smile back.

"I'm not sure how someone with so many eyes can't see he's hurting you. I don't think I could ever treat you so negligently if you were my wife," That makes you giggle, in turn letting a few tears fall from your eyes.

"Really?"

"Really. I wouldn't take you for granted by getting a second wife," Those words remind you that there was a time when it was just you and Sukuna. Nothing in his behavior has changed off the top of your head, but seeing him so easily give that affection to someone else still stings.

"I think I need to go. Goodbye," With that, she stands up, not adorning a big smile anymore, but a more standard look for someone who has gone through nothing but hurt. You probably won't see her anymore, as the look in her eyes tells you something has died- most likely her hope. It reminds you of going through so many remedies for anxiety only to realize it won't go away. Nothing stopped your overthinking, and nothing most likely will.

You make your way to Sukuna's room, now with a new perspective on how you see yourself.

But your thoughts get cloudy when you're sat with him in the room.

"I don't want to be with you," the words come out much blunter than you meant them to, but he responds before you can say anything else.

"Wherever you have found this new confidence, leave it," He gets up to leave.

"You have another wife. Are you that selfish you must have two?" This makes him turn around.

"Selfish? You have everything you could ever need. You dare to call me selfish?" He scoffs, getting closer to you.

"The nightstand that was custom made for you, in my room? The paintings across the halls, for you? The garden I had made for you?"

"Was I the one in mind, or were those choices made after you weren't satisfied with one wife? I never wanted half of the things forced into my hands. I wanted you to listen to me. You used to," And with that, he grabs you off the bed and shoves you to the ground.

"I still have to listen to you. Name one time I didn't."

"I asked to spend a day with you in the garden. I spent the day with you and Haruko in the garden."

"You got what you asked. Give a better example and a reason I should listen."

"I asked for pink Daisies by the fountain in the garden. You put the white ones, Haruko, couldn't stop raving over by the fountain in the front and the pink ones in the back." His eyes widen, and he opens his mouth.

"You're jealous," It sounds like he's in disbelief, but you know he's mocking you in his own way.

"Of course I'm jealous! I wasn't enough for you, so you got another wife. Now I'm seconded place to the one person who's supposed to love me."

"I don't love you," This comes out more as a confused question than a statement.

"I hate you so much, Ryomen."

When he goes to grab your head, your first reaction is to cover your face. But as time slows and the grip on your hair tightens, you realize you were wrong.

Sukuna never loved you. This wasn't him falling out of love with you for someone else. He liked you, so he kept you around- but he loved Haruko, so he wanted her to stay with him.

And when your head is bashed repeatedly into the desk he got for her, your last few conscious moments are spent realizing that. It was silly of you to think anything else.

Your knees buckle beneath your deadweight, forcing your body into an uncomfortable praying position; your hands stretched out in front, giving your head a soft spot to rest on.

Even in death, all you can do is pray for a different outcome. But all you can do now is wait for your vision to fully become dark as pieces of your skull pierce your brain, effectively killing you in the process.

Sukuna almost doesn't hear Haruko creak open the door, worried after she hears cracking noises. What she didn't know was what she heard was your head splintering. But what she knows now is despite having two pairs of arms and two sets of eyes, Ryomen Sukuna only needs one wife to be complete.

this took longer than I'd like admit, I MIGHT go on a break for like 3 days because I am getting worse but I am getting anxiety meds so if they help more fluff!!! but if they don't more angst and ill probably crawl into a hole and die.

[littlexscarletxwitch]

── ༊*·˚⋆ 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝗽𝗿𝗶𝘀𝗲!

paring: florence pugh x fem!reader

tag(s): fluff, r's birthday party organised by flo herself (lol), flo and r being sooo in love (i want what they have), surprise birthday party, billieee

warning(s): r having a 'rough' childhood (not much details tho), mentions of anxiety and stress and overthinking (?), grammatical errors, unedited

word count: 1.9 k

requested?: yes, you can find the request right here

note: NONNIE, I'M SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG. I hope you had an amazing birthday, full of joy. And I also hope that you like this, as much as a loved writing your request. I'm not a native english speaker, so please let me know about any sort of mistake. Hope you all enjoy, happy reading, and happy birthday or very merry unbirthday! Lots of love, M <3

requests are open! + check my rules here + masterlist <3

The rain was pouring, your coffee was growing cold and your eyes were getting heavier by the second, but you just couldn't take your eyes off of your book.

"Are you done yet?" she complained.

"Almost," she huffed at your response, the same answer she had been getting the last 30 minutes.

"Yeah, you keep saying that," she wanted to sound annoyed at you but she just couldn’t.

"I swear I'm almost done," you chuckled.

"You know what? I'm just gonna—" she said as she took the book off of your hands.

"I wasn't done," you scoffed.

"And now I'm gonna get over here," she sat on your lap.

You smiled at her, impossible for you to stay ‘mad’ at her for more than just a few seconds.

"Hi."

"Hi."

She pecked your lips, the simple action sending a shiver up your spine even though it wasn't the first time that she did it.

She went to peck your lips once again, but this time your lips captured hers, while your hands at her hips pushed her closer to your body. Florence moaned into your lips as she felt her chest being pushed against yours. Your soft warm hands slowly crawled around her back, setting her skin on fire. Your book long forgotten.

“Wait,” she said, almost breathless. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Yeah, sure,” you said, your lips moving to the soft skin on her neck.

She threw her head back, giving you more access, trying to hold back her moans and focus on what she wanted to tell you.

“I’m serious, Y/n.”

“I’m listening,” you mumbled into her skin.

“Your birthday’s coming up,” she breathed out.

The mention of your birthday made you stop for half a second, but then you gathered yourself up, shrugged all the memories away and decided to focus on marking Florence’s soft skin. But your small action didn’t go unnoticed by your girlfriend.

“Yeah, it seems so… what about it?” you wanted to kiss her so she could just drop the subject, but you knew she meant well.

Florence’s brows furrowed, it was your birthday for god’s sake, and she felt like it was just her who was excited about that special day.

“Well… I was thinking,” she cupped your cheek with her warm hands, forcing your eyes to meet hers, “we could invite everyone over, maybe I can cook some pizza and we can do karaoke and…,” she sounded so thrilled that it hurt having to cut her off.

“Flor, it’s okay. We don’t have to do any of that,” you grabbed her hands and left a sweet kiss on the back of them. “We can just chill here, order something and watch some films.”

“But it’s your birthday and I wanted—.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

Florence stared at you for a minute, trying to read your thoughts. She figured that your mood changed and your birthday were, somehow, related.

“You don’t want to celebrate your birthday, do you?” she quietly asked, as her fingertips transcend small circles on the back of your hand.

“I mean… I just…” you huffed, clearly annoyed at this whole conversation.

“What is it, babe?”

"I just…" you let out the breath you had been holding onto, blinking the tears away that you hadn't even noticed they were about to spill.

Florence kissed your forehead in an attempt of offering you some comfort, she didn't know that your birthday was a sensible topic for you to talk about. She waited, patiently, for you to talk, giving you time to gather yourself up, and letting you know she was right there for you.

"Back then we didn't have enough money, we weren’t poor but we always were short on it. So a birthday party just wasn’t on our plans, but mum always made sure to cook my favourite and I always had a great time,” you smiled at the memory.

“Y/n…”

"I loved those special meals, but deep down it made me sad. All the kids on my block had all these amazing birthday parties and I just had a family dinner like any other day,” you laughed, but there was not a trace of humour in your tone.

“But I’m grateful for everything my parents did for me, I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” you shook your head, emphasising your words.

“You’re not ungrateful, Y/n. You could never be.”

You breathed in, pushing all the messy emotions away, nodding to her words. “So, I don’t need everyone to come over, or you cooking pizza for everyone or karaoke,” you chuckled.

“But… but you deserve it,” she tried.

“It’s okay, Flo,” you pecked her lips, and a second later you yawed. “Well, I’m going to sleep now,” you wrapped yourself in the soft warm blankets. “Don't stay up late, missy. Love you,” was the last thing you said before finally closing your eyes, leaving Florence with her own thoughts.

The only thought on her mind was that you deserved the happiest of birthdays someone could ever have. She decided that it was up to her to give you the birthday party you could never have had as a child. She didn’t blame your parents for such an arrangement in the past, she understood they did their best with what they were capable of. But she was there now, and she was going to make sure to give you everything you deserved, and the least she could do was to throw you the best birthday party she could ever organise.

She smiled to herself as she watched you sleep, a million ideas rushing to her mind, picturing you with a big smile on your face when the day came.

[…]

It wasn’t easy for her, especially with so little time left for your birthday. But she wasn’t going to give up so easily, not when it was about you. Florence had only two weeks to organise the best birthday party you could possibly have.

The date was already set, the same day as your birthday, which was a Friday, so it was perfect. Given the short time, she had no other alternative than to host the party in your shared home, but it was fine, it was just about right for everyone she had planned to invite over.

Raffie, her little sister, helped her out with the digital invitations and they were already sent, every guest confirming their attendance, which brought a smile to Florence’s face. On the invitation Florence —and Raffie— clarified that everyone should be right on time, so they could be all there when you walk in the door after work and surprise you.

The food was the easiest part of it. She gathered Toby, Arabella and Raffie, and the four of them got to work, and in no time they had that problem solved. Pizzas and sandwiches were made, and were ready to be defrosted as soon as Friday came. And lots of different cakes were ordered, one of them wishing you the happiest of birthdays on top.

Now, what was left was convincing you that she wasn’t up to something. Hiding this little secret was a bit hard for Florence, she wanted to come clean to you, she felt terrible about lying to you about your birthday. But she knew deep down that you would love the surprise. So she did her best and kept her mouth shut. And luckily for the both of you, she managed it pretty well. With some help of Raffie, of course.

[…]

Florence was sweating, even though it was cold outside.

She was getting nervous as the time of your arrival came closer. Everyone that was supposed to be present was already there, which was a good thing that gave Florence some comfort. But she was worried about something else.

“What if she doesn’t like it?”

“Flossie—,” Toby tried but her sister cut him off.

“She didn’t want this,” she shook her head in disapproval of herself. “She told me she wanted something simple.”

“Y/n will love this,” Raffie tried to calm her sister.

“She will hate me, she will definitely hate me after this. I shouldn’t have—,” she cut herself as she heard the breaks of your car outside. A second later Billie barked at her, as if confirming you were there.

Her eyes winded as her heart skipped a beat, which Raffie took notice of. “Hey!” she grabbed her sister by the shoulders. “She is going to love this, I swear. Her mum told me, okay? You are good.”

Raffie’s words sinked into her. Florence took a deep breath, nodding to herself and got the last step of her plan in motion.

“Okay, everyone at your place, please. Y/n’s here,” she said as she moved closer to the front door, turning off all the lights on her way. “Don’t say anything until the lights are on, and remember it’s: Surprise, Y/n. Okay?” she heard everyone humming in agreement. “Okay,” she confirmed to herself, getting into her position, straightening her skirt with her sweaty hands.

She felt Billie right next to her, getting ready to surprise you as well. Sensing her owner’s unstillnes, Billie nudged Florence’s leg, with the tip of her nose, trying to comfort her. Florence smiled at her dog in the darkness, taking in one last breath as she heard you unlocking the door.

“Flo—? What the—?” you said, confused, as you opened the door to only find a darkened home.

Your hand went to turn on the light, but Florence beat you to it.

“Surprise, Y/n!” the loud cheering straddled you, but it also brought the biggest smile to your face and tears to the corner of your eyes.

“Happy birthday, baby!” Florence said excitedly, leaving a kiss on your cheek. Some of her anxiety washed away as she watched you smile, her heartbeat finally beating properly.

In a sudden movement, you grabbed her and brought her into you, hugging her tightly, as if not wanting her to slip off from your arms ever.

“I can’t believe you did this whole thing for me,” you whisper into her ear, as your eyes trailed all over the place, taking in all the details.

There were balloons everywhere in the shade of your favourite colour, some shiny fringe backdrops hanging from the ceiling, big shiny balloons in the shape of your new age number, and most importantly, everyone you cared for was there. Florence even succeeded in bringing your grandma. And your heart became even warmer when you saw Florence’s family as well, her parents, her siblings and their partners and, obviously, granzo Pat.

She pulled away from the hug, much to her dismay, and cupped your cheeks with her warm hands. “Of course, I did, silly,” there was so much love in her eyes, that you swear you could have melted right there. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” you smiled at her.

Billie nudged your leg, wanting to get your attention, and she slowly howled to you, which you took as a ‘happy birthday’.

“Why, thank you, missy moo,” you said as she looked up to you and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

“Y/n!” you heard your name being called.

“Go,” Florence pushed you forwards. “Everyone wants to say ‘hi’ to you.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” you smiled at that thought.

Everyone was here for you and only you, you felt like your heart could burst out of your chest from all the happiness you were feeling.

Likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated! <3

-M

[thenexusofsouls]

What does Jix believe in? What are his morals and values? What is leafling culture like? Do they have their own customs, habits and dances? What is Jix's favorite flower?

{i am the caretaker of souls} Yay, an ask about my sweet little baby Jix! =D Thank you! Below the cut! <3

What does Jix believe in?

Jix has a very abstract view of Earth, and of gods and goddesses. He also has nebulous ideas of the concepts of heaven and hell. But most of his belief system is rooted in nature and decidedly pagan ideas/customs/figures. So you might hear him refer to the "Green Father" or the "Earth Mother," or if someone or something dies, you might hear him say they've "gone to big forest in sky." He doesn't worship any specific gods but he does respect nature as kindof a sentient force. Because of this, he'll interpret natural things as the personality of Earth. Thunderstorms mean the Earth is upset or angry. Rain means she's sad. If he sees butterflies or brightly colored beetles, he thinks the Earth is feeling hopeful. So he interprets things he sees every day as a personality attributed to the Earth, and also relating to him, for example him doing something and then it starts thunderstorming. He might see that as a sign that he made the Earth mad. So planet Earth for him, and forests, and the environment in general, are like a Gaia spirit or "Mother Nature," as some call it.

What are his morals and values?

Jix is a very moral little dude. He believes in kindness, in being pleasant and polite, in helping others, and in doing one's part to spread positivity, especially those who are in need. If you are around him long enough, he will likely offer you some tidbit of "leafling positivity," or sing you a song, or tell you something nice about yourself to cheer you up.

I could have covered this in the previous question, but I left it for here because it deals with Jix's values and the importance he places on kindness to others. He will tell anyone who'll listen that he has one major rule that he lives by, and that he thinks most problems in the world "could be solved by simple rule of: don't be jerk." He really thinks that if everyone would just not be a jerk, just not be mean or cold for no reason, and just be kind... most bad things in the world would disappear. Now obviously, that's a very simplified and naive view of the world, but nevertheless, it is a wonderful value to have. Just be kind. Be kind. That's it. Short and simple. And Jix believes so much in it and actively tries to live every day by it.

So much so that he will give people what-for if they aren't kind. He doesn't like mean people and will tell them to their face. He'll come to the defense of someone who is being bullied or made fun of. He'll argue back if someone is pushing meanness on him or others. Don't mistake his creed of kindness for weakness or passiveness. He will sass the crap out of you if he thinks you're mean!

As for other values he has... Friendship is very important to Jix. If you're around him for any length of time, he will try to become your friend. Actively. Blatantly, heh. It's important to him because he thinks there needs to be more positivity and support in the world. So he'll try to connect with everyone he meets in some positive way.

This part of Jix's personality actually was inspired by someone I met over 20 years ago in undergraduate college. I was so bad socially, painfully shy, I have social anxiety, the whole deal, so I was between classes on campus, just sitting on a bench and trying to look like I wasn't as out of my element as I was, and this girl comes and sits right next to me and just strikes up a conversation out of nowhere. I remember she had really long hair and glasses but I unfortunately don't remember her name. Anyway, this girl said to me, "I try to take away something unique from every person I meet. So I'm not going to leave until you give me something to take away." As in, an idea, not like... a physical object. Now... admittedly, that sounds stalkerish, haha. But at the time, I didn't take it that way and it didn't come across that way. She came across as kindof a free spirit, heh, having those hippie vibes. I don't remember at all what I said to her to fulfill her requirement, but the concept of what she said stayed with me for all this time. And around the time I was creating Jix, it just sort of snuck into his personality that every person he meets, he makes a point to try to befriend and have some moment of positivity with.

What is leafling culture like? Do they have their own customs, habits and dances?

Leafling culture is very family- and community-oriented, especially early on in life, very simple, and very much into celebrating the seasons of the forest and all natural things. Unfortunately, they've learned to fear/hate humans, and there are other predatory creatures in their forests that they fear, but for the most part, they're just happy, singing, dancing, foraging, storytelling, and quaint den making little folks.

They do have habits and customs and all sorts of things! They have celebrations at the beginning of each season to say goodbye to the old one and welcome in the new. These celebrations always involving lots of food, singing, and dancing, as well as crafting. They make jewelry for themselves, little ornaments and things to hang in their dens or on bushes and things near their homes, and they even make garlands out of leaves, flowers, twigs, dried fruits, and other things they find in the forest. They make their own little lanterns by trapping lightning bugs in woven-twig containers (don't worry, they release them after a while), and they sometimes build larger statues made of twigs to mark important occasions.

They cook and bake, with puddings, pastes, and sauces usually made from fruits and nuts being some of their favorite things to make. They love to tell stories and make up songs, and their histories are entirely oral, passed down from parents to saplings in each generation. For weapons, they make mud balls out of soil and their own root secretions... and they're super accurate with them when they throw them. Don't head into a leafling-inhabited forest without making sure you're wanted there first, or you'll be pummeled by a barrage of mud balls!

Each leafling is very different, personality-wise. Just like people, they have their own likes, dislikes, fears, things that make them happy, quirks, habits, routines, and decor choices for their dens. They are as intelligent as humans, and so their personalities are just as complex and varied. Leafling dens are either made in hollows of trees or between rocks, or made out of mud using their root secretions. Inside, they may collect things that appeal to them, they may hang treasures they found or crafts they've made on the walls, they'll keep a patch of very soft soil for planting themselves to sleep overnight, and they'll otherwise decorate and maintain it as a personal living space, and a way to hide from potential predators.

Jix is one of 17 saplings his parents had. He was closest to his sister Ki-mi, before they parted ways. In leafling culture, once they are considered adults at around 7-10 years depending on the species, they're expected to branch out, no pun intended, and make lives for themselves elsewhere. This is a very exciting but also sad and scary time for the leafling, because although it's seen as a rite of passage and is seen as a very positive thing, the leafling is still leaving behind their family to start a new life alone for a while. At least, until they make new friends and have families of their own. Jix and Ki-mi left together at first, not quite ready to fully be alone. After about a year, they finally said their goodbyes. He has nothing but fond memories of Ki-mi, and hopes to one day run into her somewhere.

What is Jix's favorite flower?

The strawberry blossom... because Jix's favorite fruit is the strawberry. He loves sweet things, and berries are his favorite. He calls them "tasty littles," so strawberries to him are "strawlittles." Of his favorite fruit of berries, strawberries are his absolute favorites. So whenever he sees strawberry blossoms, he gets all excited that there might be strawberries nearby.

Thanks for sending these, they were fun to answer! =D

[yakool-foolio]

Hello, give me one for Danganronpa, Ace Attorney and Rain Code of that character ask. (angel wants to know if Yomi anf Kristoph go to super hell)

A package deal! You've sold me on the chance to ramble about so many characters. You opened the floodgates, now you're in the splash zone!

Danganronpa: Blorbo - Shuichi Saihara (No surprises here) Scrunkly - Kiibo (He's so cute man, every time I think about his blushing sprites or him wanting to be a singer I crumple up like a napkin) Scrimblo bimblo - Tenko Chabashira (She deserves so much more love, the writing did her so damn dirty by hiding all her motivations in FTEs. I will never forgive Kodaka for this) Glup shitto - Tsumugi Shirogane (She's my favorite mastermind I don't care what anyone says about her! Anyone who calls her 'one-dimensional' talks like they're stuck in the killing game behind the screen! But I know better! MY DAD WORKS AT NINTENDO!) Poor little meow meow - Nagito Komaeda (Only considered controversial because of what the fandom has done to this poor guy. He's no doubt one of--if not the--best character Kodaka's ever written, and yet I must helplessly watch as he's reduced to 'haha I like hope and I'm crazy,' which is a huge disservice to his complex and well thought out story. Sadly it's a symptom of him being dragged outside of his context by pop culture.) Horse plinko - Junko Enoshima (I dunno, she probably wouldn't mind it) Eeby deeby - Nagito Komaeda again (I had to look up the exact meaning of superhell for this. And honestly he kinda did that to himself. Now wake up Nagito and go get your man so ya can live on that island together!)

Ace Attorney: Blorbo - Kazuma Asogi (Whoops he stole the top spot from Apollo, but believe me I think about him a lot too, especially cause he wins the relatability category; social anxiety go brrrrrrr. Yet no character has had me go more feral than Kazuma and I still have a TON on my mind about him that I really need to put to written word someday.) Scrunkly - Ron DeLite (MY SWEET LIL GUY! I'd let him steal all my valuables cause he's just too darn cute!) Scrimblo bimblo - Bobby Fulbright/The Phantom (The best final case culprit for the best final case in the entire series, I will not waver in my opinion! Bobby is such a fun detective, nearing the heights of Sholmes, while also being revealed to be the identity-stealing assassin I've always dreamed of. I will run in circles forever thinking about this amalgamation of a character. Now if only he was given any official merch...) Glup shitto - Satoru Hosonaga (If Hosonaga only has one fan then that's me! If there's ever a TGAA Investigations game, he better make a cameo someway somehow!) Poor little meow meow - Matt Engarde (This could've also gone to The Phantom but it fits Matt thematically cause he's very orange cat coded to me. My first 'uh oh my favorite character is a murderer aren't they' moment in Ace. And it would not be the last.) Horse plinko - Mael Stronghart (I hate this dude I hope Klint and Genshin are beating him up as ghosts.) Eeby deeby - Kristoph Gavin (If I had a nickel for every time I turned a dynamic between a mastermind antag and a mentor figure into bitter exes cause it somehow makes their relationship more interesting than it already is, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.)

Rain Code: Blorbo - Yakou Furio (What blog do ya think you're even lookin' at right now?) Scrunkly - Shinigami (She's really adorable in her blob form with how she emotes, and she's a sweet person under all her snark!) Scrimblo bimblo - Melami Goldmine (The more I think about my personal interpretation of Vivia's backstory, the more I love Melami by association since she's got a lot going on with her as well. I'd kill to learn more about her history and if she's had any canonical affiliation or interaction with Vivia. I need them to be business partners!) Glup shitto - Nun (What's not to love about a cat-eared nun who runs a death metal choir at the church? I'd go to one of her performances any day!) Poor little meow meow - Hitman Zilch (I got real sad over him dying because I thought we'd lost the best antag in the entire game AND WE'D ONLY JUST BEGUN. This hitman has altered my brain chemistry forever and there's no cure.) Horse plinko - Dr. Huesca ("It's what he deserves," I say calmly and rationally through gritted teeth as my fist clenches and trembles with rage.) Eeby deeby - Yomi Hellsmile (If I had a nickel for every time I turned a dynamic between a mastermind antag and a mentor figure into bitter exes cause it somehow makes their relationship more interesting than it already is, I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.)

[fadelbison]

Came across your meta posts on bl, and dude, same brain. I find the kafabe of it all so fascinating. The theater. The idea of one's self as a performance. The blending of your fictitious self and your irl self. The way they're all low key lives of an irl fake dating au. The psychology and sociology of it all makes me want to do long term studies and if I ever try to talk about it I either get shut down by normies who don't want to hear my bl ramblings or by bl fans who don't want me to rain on their parade.

On a somewhat related note, you mentioned you used to be into znn and I find what's going on with them, and the behavior of their more problematic stand FASCINATING right now

I want to peer into the folds of Joong Archen's brain, I want to study every corner of it. I am pretty sure Dunk is the love of his life and I am tempted to even guarantee that it's all staged. It's why I like this word so much better than fake because fake implies deceit. Currently obsessed with Joong so I brought them up but they're all like that to a very great extent.

It's a performance and boy do these guys tend to love their little self blorbos. Like there's an astounding amount of buy in from the actors themselves for so many of these become their own thing. The drama, the intricate unspoken rules, its like watching peacocks dance.

zeenunew gives me a lot of anxiety because no one should be that deep into the fanservice like I love them but not even a real married couple can hold a candle to the fantasy of their relationship. I'm glad they're going strong and would love them to continue for as long as its beneficial to them but I have a minor paranoid streak too.

[i-would-have-come-for-you]

Can't love you in the dark (Chapter 2: The night we met)

Chapter 2: The night we met

When the night was full of terror

And you had not touched me yet

The night we met (Lord Huron)

___________

Nights were always chilly in Suna, accompanied by sweltering days. It had taken Hinata some time to get used to after the unpredictable rain showers of Konoha’s metropolitan. But after 4 years, it felt natural for her to withstand the warmth of the desert city.

Still, the nights never failed to give her goose bumps with the chilly breeze like right now. She let her feet touch the floor boards as she moved to close the window she had forgotten. Instead of closing it, she parted the curtain and looked at the dark night outside.

The normally noisy neighborhood seemed deserted at this hour, almost like no one else existed there except for her. A chill went through her, unrelated to the cold. She admonished herself at the thought.

She didn’t need to scare herself.

She glanced at the wall clock, which showed it to be 1 a.m. She sighed tiredly before closing the windows. “Why can’t I sleep?” she asked no one in particular as she decided to leave her room to make a cup of chamomile tea.

Talking to herself had become a habit she developed with no one but a toddler to talk to at home. Speaking of her son, she decided to check on Daiki before making tea. It was a habit of sorts, to check on her son throughout the night, as if he’d vanish if she didn’t.

There had been a lot on anxiety-induced sleepless nights in the last 4 years. The stress related to managing her job, taking care of her son and juggling with paying the utilities that came with a neighborhood as safe and nice as hers- it kept her up sometimes.

And sometimes, she was just lonely- missing so many people.

The sound of Daiki’s heartbeat always grounded her. He was the reminder of everything she was working for; her baby boy, the light of her life.

She moved quietly into the room next to hers. Walking over to the small bed, she looked at her son who slept with quiet, even breaths. She ran a hand to sweep her child’s dark hair off his forehead. He barely stirred.

She smiled as she leaned down to peck his cheek. He was such a deep sleeper, totally unlike her. He’d be energetic as usual in the morning tomorrow whereas she’d barely be holding it together thanks to sleep evading her right now.

Hinata didn’t know why she couldn’t sleep. She just had an anxious feeling in her heart. In Daiki’s green night light, she checked all his windows to ensure they were closed before making her way out, closing the door behind her softly.

“Get it together,” she whispered to herself when the anxious feeling returned. The hallway light was on and she stopped in front of the hallway mirror for a second to look at herself.

The red silk pajama set she’d splurged on last year looked bright against the pale of her skin. Her shoulder length hair was disheveled from the tossing and turning in bed. She looked thin, but still her curves made her look healthier than she felt.

She straightened her tank top and shorts before padding towards her kitchen, where the light was still on.

Strange. She must have forgotten to turn it off before turning in for bed.

Her heart stopped when she turned into the kitchen. In the light of the kitchen, the silhouette of a man was visible, sitting at the kitchen table.

She abruptly thought of the gun she kept in her bedside drawer. Before she could act on the instinct to get it, something familiar about the man’s profile nagged at her mind.

She stopped by the doorway as the man, sitting straight, turned his head to face her.

If she was scared before, she felt her blood turn to ice when she looked at his face. She felt herself growing faint as she staggered a few steps forward and gripped the counter for support while her lips parted in shock. The man’s face was expressionless as he stood from the chair to face her.

It felt like she was trapped in a nightmare, staring at a phantom from somewhere long ago. Her heart thundered and she struggled to draw in a breath.

The man in the immaculate striped suit did not look at all fazed. He did not behave as the intruder he was. No, he simply looked at her before raking his eyes all over her frame.

Finally, her husband met her gaze and smiled the way he used to smile at his enemies to put the fear of God in them. “Hello sweetheart. Did you miss me?”

_________

Author notes: And the story continues. What do you think is going on ;)? Let me know how you're liking the story so far. Constructive criticism is always appreciated.

Please do leave a comment and reblog to share the story and increase the exposure as it motivates me to keep writing SasuHina in this dying fandom.

If you want to read this story on Wattpad, the link is here:

[justkeepwalkingnothinghere]

Luz, Willow and Raine for the ask!

I’M SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG MY BRAIN REFUSED TO WORK!

Luz:

Sexuality HC: I could feel her bi disaster energy long before Thanks To Them.

OTP: LUMITY ALL THE WAY! I’m gonna be in a wheelchair hopefully 70 years from now shouting ‘Lumity for life!’, recalling the kiss once more!

Brotp: Luz and Hunter Noceda. End of story. Noceda-Clawthorne-Whispers if Eda and Raine adopt Luz at the end.

Notp: Lunter. Also end of story.

First HC that pops to my head: Unfortunately I got nothing.

Favorite line: Literally everything she’s ever said because it is impossible to choose and it would be a sin to do so. I LOVE HER SM!!

One way in which I relate to her: Nearly everything. The nerdiness, the cheery attitude, almost everything she does and says is exactly what I do/say, we would 100% be BFFs if we met, and I relate to her more than any other fictional character in existence. I HAVE STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT HER OKAY?

Things that give me second hand embarrassment: Despite never experiencing it myself, I could feel her pain throughout the Tunnel of Love. I could feel it deep in my soul.

Cinnamon roll or problematic fave: Give this girl all the cinnamon in the world, cause she deserves it!

Willow:

Sexuality HC: I’ve never really thought about that until now. And my brain’s got nothing.

OTP: (chanting) Huntlow! Huntlow! Huntlow! Huntlow!

Brotp: WILLOW, LUZ AND GUS BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE!!

Notp: Boschlow. No j-just no. And I have to ask…why? Why would you do this?

First HC that pops to my head: Once again, got nothing. (I’m not very good with headcanons)

Favorite line: “These past few months have been weird but look at all the new memories we have now. It's been nice to finally spend some time together.” -Thanks To Them

One way in which I relate to her: This girl’s determination is ON POINT! When she sets out to do something, she does not give up!

Things that give me second hand embarrassment: One word: Nothing. Mostly because I can’t think right now.

Cinnamon roll or problematic fave: One of the sweetest cinnamon rolls in the Demon Realm!

Raine:

Sexuality HC: Always been torn between Bi and Lesbian. And it looks like I’m never going to choose.

OTP: YOU KNOW IT, YOU LOVE IT, IT’S THE LEGENDARY RAEDA!! MY OTP, THE OTP, IT IS THE BEST!!

Brotp: Raine and Darius! I need their history from Hexside! I need to see them get a little bit more on each other’s nerves! And I would LOVE to see Raine and Luz bonding! Like Raine teaching her bard magic and Luz teaching them glyphs! Hopefully we get a little bit of that in the finale.

Notp: Nothing comes to mind, unless you count Raine and Terra. After everything Terra has done to them, keep them apart for the rest of their lives!

First HC that pops to my head: THEY. ARE. SO. SNUGGLY!! A complete snuggle bug! And I love this!

Favorite line: Tied between “How’d you become the Owl Lady with your stage fright?” and “Is it so unbelievable that I wanted to keep you safe? But in typical Eda fashion, you’re not going to stop until you make things right.”

One way in which I relate to them: I know the pain that comes with the social anxiety. I can feel it deep in my soul every time.

Things that give me second hand embarrassment: “Trying to…mute the magic of our hearts? -distressed groan-“ Ooowwww…

Cinnamon roll or problematic fave: THE SWEETEST ROLL ON THE ISLES I LOVE THEM TO DEATH!!

This was actually pretty fun to think about, ngl! Thanks for the ask!

[gaywiththesauce]

Hi hello sorry it’s not Wednesday anymore BUT. I remember you saying at one point that you were listening to your Giyuu playlist? (am I remembering right?) and I’m. so unbelievably normal and was wondering what your top 5 songs you associate with Giyuu are. Or top 10. Or top one million. Ok thank you sorry goodbye again_(:3 」∠)_

Hi Rose👋!! welcome back to my dropbox lmao

okok so so I don't remember saying that but it's totally possible that I did. I think about blorbo a lot so I think I mentioned it

These won't be very descriptive because many of the songs are just related to emotions or specific scenarios so you'll have my 4am ramblings. lil warning, I'm a swiftie, but I have a variety of other different music tastes too. here's my top 20ish because I'm obsessed with my blorbo Giyuu Tomioka the Queen

Telephones by Vacations - "my thoughts are crawling, you're all I see" "wherever I go, you'll always be next to me" has massive brain rot energy :) he only sees his love(s) everywhere

Verbatim by Mother Mother - I kinda perceive Giyuu as someone that doesn't conform to gender norms (totally not projecting) but he would totally be unapologetic for his expression. maybe a lil oblivious but not sorry

First Love/Late Spring by Mitski - the lyrics speak for themselves of anxiety that he can't love anyone else because he's too scared to lose them. "please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe. please don't say you love me."

Long Live (TV) by Taylor Swift - this song is specifically for my fantasy prince/knight au I made and fully fleshed out with Minecraft building and shit. the idea of happy fluffy marriage makes me giggle

Gilded Lily by Cults - self explanatory. sad song. "haven't I given enough?" "always the fool with the slowest heart" (help please he has the slowest heart because his way of communicating isn't verbal and only a very select few understand-)

Daylight by Taylor Swift - "I once believed love would be burning red, but it's golden, like daylight" kyogiyuu energy, first impression of Kyojuro's "burning red" but it turns out he's a soft "golden"

Screaming by CHVRCHES - beautiful song. it talks about the past and how time has been stolen. not knowing what side of the coin you're on and if it's wrong or not. good vibes song to look out the window to

New Year's Day by Taylor Swift - SUCH A GOOD MESSAGE SONG! it's all about the tranquility that comes with love and life, how the couple would be there for not just the fun moments but the calm or hard or maybe boring moments. also "please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere"

Money by The Drums - Giyuu would totally want to give back to the world he believes he's stolen from (he's still alive, which is something that he stole from others-) but he has nothing else to give other than hard training and killing demons, saving people when he can

Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol - this one I can't really explain. the build up and release just kinda speaks for itself. it's cathartic and makes you want to jump up and down and rip an air guitar

Don't Let Go by The Ghost Club - "I'm falling off the edge but you never ever let go" another relationship one! who woulda guessed? again, love that lasts because love is not all sunshine. it rains and pours and you have to get an umbrella. very fun to listen to!

The Mute by Radical Face - this was shown to me by a beautiful moot when my one ficlet reminded them of it. it makes sense! "if you only listen with your ears, you can't get in [my head]" (your fic today reminded me of this song too and i listened to it again after reading tehe)

Nightmares by CHVRCHES - "Another poem designed for revenge. Now I'm living a nightmare again, and it won't end.

Black Out Days by Phantogram - gives me remembering Sabito vibes. So painfully thinking of him but trying to forget him and keep that part of his mind away from now but it doesn't want to stay away. He isolates himself from his memories that he "[doesn't] even recognize [Sabito's] face"

I miss you, I'm sorry by Gracie Adams - it's less of the lyrics and more the vibes. i just kinda really like this song. "I still love you, I promise" to Sabito---

Become the Warm Jets by Current Joys - listen listen ok hear me out: slow song, sad voice, sad song, Giyuu-themed? totally feel canon with "All my life is just something I can't ignore."

A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be by Jess Benko - wow. sad angst sad song about regret because wow. just angst.

Young by Vacations - dissociation central. not knowing how things are moving and wanting things to be right and okay. that childhood innocence of want everything (read: Sabito) to be his

i love you by Billie Eilish - Giyuu being in denial of everything. How could Kyojuro say that he loves him? How could he open up so easily to Kyo? "the smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying" FFUCCK

Dress by Taylor Swift - this is that song when the pairing finally gets together after a 20K slow burn. smiles. "Carve your name into my bedpost 'cause I don't want you like a best friend."

A Love Song by Ladyhawke - happy upbeat love song. Imagine running through a crowd, holding hands, laughing and giggling as Kyo pulls Giyuu along to show him something he's excited about

I didn't mean for this to be this long (this was originally 10) but now you have 2/3 of my Giyuu playlist! I accidentally deleted my Giyuu playlist like four months ago so I'm building from the ground up unfortunately😭

I hope this satisfies your curiosity! Enjoy listening if you do!

[lokisprettygirl]

Oh, chapter 14...it's a good and important one...

Loki and y/n are so adorable when they are together now. It's still a long way to go but the chances to make it right one day are good.

"...it had been two days full of kissing, making out and other filthy stuff, really filthy moments of like him looking at you as if you were his most cherished possession, him kissing you at every chance he gets, him making eye contact ...Such indecent moments "

It must be love, no one can tell me otherwise. They try, they really try to be non-toxic with each other and I love to see it. But the anxiety that old habits could return is real and relatable.

"...sometimes you still felt as if he was playing an elaborate prank on you and would scream 'Psyche' out of nowhere. The thought absolutely demolished you, you didn't think you'll be able to survive that situation. "

She just wants to have him around her but if Loki is going to do it again I'm sure her heart would shatter into pieces.😢💔

Their teasing and flirting is everything 😍 (his bedroom sexy voice is hunting me 😏🥵). Loki can't help himself, he has to kiss her all the time...and he's honest with her and I appreciate that!

"...when I asked you to teach me to drive and you straight up denied?...Why...?"

"Because I want you to stay dependent on me."

'...everything he did turned you on for some reason, even when he was clearly trying to be honest about his manipulative behaviour you found it rather hot...you enjoyed the feeling of him controlling you, it would have bothered you if it was someone else but never him.'

"...keeping you reliant..it's like having a pet who's dependent on me..."

'You didn't mind being his pet or his whore...you'll accept willingly. '

"God you're so hotttt... " Wicked little whore, getting aroused by the thought of being owned "

I'm dyyyiiiiinnnngggg 🥰🥵😍....yesss please control us, own us but please, let us make important decisions together and before that let's talk about it. It might be not the right way how Loki protects her but his intentions were never bad ones! As we can see, he was right again, Jane and Stephen just wanted to use y/n to their advantage.

It's a great step for him to give her driving lessons because...for y/n it's a step towards independence! And she could leave him like Jo did when things became difficult. And that's one of Loki's greatest fears.

And here's the point: Jo ran away when it became hard to love him, she didn't want to face his sad, dark side. She only wanted the funny and bright side of life with him. But where the sun shines, there's also rain...so damn, take an umbrella 🌂 ☔️ and wait for the sun to shine again🌦☀️ and in the best case, do it together!

But y/n? I'm sure she will never leave Loki!! He's broken? He's scared? Everything is fucked up? Yesss, but she'll never leave him. She waited for him, saved her virginity for him, and toxic or not, she loves him. He was always there for her!

"You don't want to be that person, sweetheart, trust me okay?"

"You don't know me Loki, you don't know how much I love you."

'...he wanted to give you everything but he couldn't give himself to you completely, at least not those ugly parts of him that he knew would make you want to run.'

How does he know? He can't look into her head! And she gave him an answer yet!

"...I just want to be there for you...not just in these happy moments..."

Y/n is NOT Jo! Y/n could have had other guys but she only wants him. And he is gone through worse than her! Loki not only saw worse things but he was also forced to cause them and got beaten up for his caring feelings. He's a good one, a man with a beautiful soul and a good heart but they broke him and nearly destroyed him, physically and mentally. And he still feels so guilty and thinks he's a monster. He's not! I could cry, believe me! 😭😭

Loki needs someone who accepts him with his dark truth. He needs some self-love and self-respect and he needs to forgive himself otherwise he might not be able to have a sane relationship. How he thinks about himself is self-destructive. He couldn't have saved the other girls even if he wanted. He never had a chance he was a victim, too. Hopefully, y/n can help him with her genuine and unwavering love.

" You need to be hurt?" He glared at him as you questioned him.

"It's none of your business sweetheart." your eyes teared up as he snapped at you...it was a touchy subject for him but you didn't like him being rude to you again... he had several issues and so did you.'

She doesn't know about his past yet. One day she'll know and she'll be shocked but I'm sure she will love him even more, she will never go and leave him alone. He wouldn't have done it either back then but it was better for y/n and himself. I would shower him in pure love and pure tenderness, especially after sex. I would deny hurting him physically after making love to me.

I want him to feel good afterwards, not guilty or bad or like a monster...because he makes me feel good, too. Love and sex are wonderful and y/n should help him to feel like this too/again someday.

Y/n had also things to deal with. She needs support, too. Everyone everywhere thinks of her she's 'just' the girl from the cult as soon as people learn about her past. That's sad and not fair...and not to forget that so many people think she's a whore and that she played along with all of these prejudices.

'He shouldn't have snapped at you... , this was one of his fears about this relationship, when those women got upset he didn't have to worry or care about them, but he can't treat you the same way. '

"What do you want me to do? " "...apologize?" "That will fix...thisss?" "No, but it opens the way for further conversations." 'When did his sweet buttons become so mature?'

"Why did you snap?" "I don't want to discuss it" ...he never wanted to discuss the past, neither did you, you both wanted to leave the history behind but it wasn't really helping because none of you had moved on from the said past.'

They both try, they really try. And they need to talk about their past sooner or later. But it won't be easy.

'He wasn't ready, he didn't think he'd be ready anytime soon...all of a sudden he felt overwhelmed by everything, you, this relationship, your life with him. Was he fucking this up even more by involving you romantically with his messed up self?'

Both need time and they should take the time they need. It won't be all right overnight.

The whole scene before Loki got the call from Jo is so sad and bittersweet 🥺💖😢🥹

"...I desire you like this as much as you desire me, it's not one-sided."

I'm not sure if I trust Jo. Was she really threatened by Thor or is it just an evil plan? Like: I help you to find Loki and you help me to get him back? Or is she just a victim, too?

Odin and Thor know that Loki would come and help his ex, he still cares about her somehow. So what is Thor up to?👀👀👀 Also, Odin is still there, lurking somewhere in the dark to get the virgin's blood 💀🩸...and maybe he wants revenge and Loki's death too 😳😳

Queen 👑, what a wonderful chapter! Why don't you like it as much as I do? 🤔😅 It's a great and absolutely important one!

I love this story💘, I love Lolo💚, I love y/n 🩷 and most of all I love you 😍❤️💖😘

They are definitely in love and have been for a long time 🥺

He's definitely trying to take a step towards a healthier approach when it comes to their relationship, he's trying to trust her that she won't run away which is a big deal for him.

They're for life and won't abandon each other that' easily, she's willing to stick around but ofcourse his insecurities aren't irrational, he doesn't trust her to not ditch him because he hates himself and he thinks once his reality comes out she'll hate him too and he can't take that, he won't be able to survive that.

He's definitely a good man even though life has been cruel to him and gave him the pass to have his cliche "villain" arc, all he wants is to be able to take care of his gal and keep her safe 🥹

She has been through alot as well 🥺, in next chapter we will see what bothers her and how loki will deal with it.

Loki's need to feel pain is the direct damage caused by Odin in the cult, everytime he cared he was called weak and as he was lashed , the pain became his distraction and it made him feel not so weak, so there are several reasons why he likes to hurt himself and hurt others during sex.

Thor is definitely upto something 👀

I do like this chapter, it's just not my fav 🤣

I love you too my dear thank you for such a good analysis 🥰❤️😍

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2023 I was up for 19 hours the night before last but part of that was because I was sick. I had a surprising amount of nausea and acid reflux and no idea why. I don’t have a gallbladder anymore. I’m guessing some of the blueberries I ate were bad or I had too many peanuts.

Last night, I fell asleep after the standard 16 hours but woke up an hour earlier with less than 7 hours of sleep. That and what the scale says is definitely pointing to the medication as being the cause. I don’t mind being down a few pounds. I just hope this intermittent lung tightness isn’t related! I don’t feel wired or jittery, so hopefully I’m not on the way to getting stabbed with waves of that God-awful anxiety. No way I’m increasing my dose! I hesitate to decrease it as long as I’m not anxious because if I need less sleep, then that’s less chance of being woken up and I don’t have to worry about gaining more weight either. The med is also causing me to wake up more. At least I think it’s on the med. Maybe I’ll decrease my waiting time before coffee to a half hour and see if it makes a difference in my sleep. The long 18 to 20-hour stretches of being awake and then sleeping 6 or 7 hours get to be a bit much for me. I’m not even at the 6-week marker yet, so I’m a little worried. If I can get past 6 weeks without getting worse, and especially 8 weeks, then I can relax a little easier.

I also have this gross feeling in my mouth that went away as soon as I got yogurt again. But now it’s back, even though I haven’t stopped having yogurt every day. Maybe I just need my teeth cleaned. Really hope whatever’s causing my irritation isn’t any big deal. We’re in so much debt! I’ll find out on Monday. I was a little annoyed because they left a voicemail asking me to call to confirm the appointment I scheduled online. Couldn’t this have been done by text messaging? The purpose of scheduling online is to not have to make calls. At least they answered right away.

As long as I don’t increase my dose or start a new medication while he’s at work, I should be OK. When the weather and schedule permit, I’ll make a point of getting out more. As I said, the scale is the biggest indicator. This tiny little increase is a reminder of just how potent this stuff is. Had that shit of an endo I first saw jumped me to 100mcg, she might very well have killed me.

I was frustrated yesterday because I was unable to meet with Helen due to tech issues. Apparently, every Friday, she works out of an office building instead of her house. Well, they were having problems due to storm damage. Between my schedule and other appointments, we won’t be able to meet again until the 16th.

Not much of a storm season so far. And of course, anytime it has rained, I’ve been asleep. Tom said the last time there was mild thunder.

No leaks visible in the bidet I prefer that Tom fixed with epoxy and installed in my bathroom so I can have a drier booty. Saves on toilet paper too.

It’s looking like I’m definitely cured down there. Will have him play peekaboo later to see if he can see anything he shouldn’t see.

THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023 GrammarlyGO is pretty cool. It generates a paragraph for you based on a word prompt you provide. Although I may not use it much, it's fun to play around with. Love how it also rewrites our own sentences/paragraphs if we don't quite like the way it came out.

Word prompt: rat.

I recently saw a rat scurry across the sidewalk, and it made me jump. I know they're just part of the urban ecosystem, but they still give me the creeps!

Word prompt: dream.

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was walking through a field of wildflowers, the sun was shining and the air was warm. As I walked, I felt a sense of peace and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. It was like all my worries and fears had disappeared, and I was free to just enjoy the moment. I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever.

Word prompt: sing.

I love to sing! It's one of my favorite things to do. Whether I'm singing in the shower, in the car, or on stage, there's nothing quite like the feeling of letting my voice soar. There's something so freeing about belting out a song, letting all my emotions out in the lyrics and melody. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know that when I sing, I'm expressing myself in a way that nothing else can match. So if you ever need a karaoke partner or just someone to jam out with, count me in!

Word prompt: doll.

I used to love playing with dolls when I was younger. I had a whole collection of them and spent hours dressing them up and pretending they were real. It's funny to think back on it now, but there was something so comforting about having those little companions to talk to and take care of. I even had a special doll that my grandma gave me that I treasured above all the others. It had been hers when she was a child and she passed it down to me as a keepsake. I still have it to this day and every time I look at it, it brings back so many happy memories.

Word prompt: diary.

Dear Diary,

Today was quite eventful. I woke up early and went for a jog around the park. The fresh air and morning sun felt invigorating. After that, I spent some time catching up on work emails and organizing my schedule for the week.

In the afternoon, I met up with some friends for lunch. We went to a new restaurant that just opened up in town and the food was amazing! We chatted and laughed for hours, catching up on each other's lives.

Later on, I went to the gym for a workout. It was a tough one, but I pushed through and felt great afterward. I ended the day by reading a book in bed, feeling content and grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Until tomorrow, [Miss Rainbow]

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2023 Ray removed all of the statues around the front and side of his place except for the large pelican. Surprisingly, though, work hasn’t yet begun on his yard.

My heart rate dropped to 68 in my sleep for the first time in weeks and I got a sleep score of 90. For a while, it was only getting down to around 73. It’s a good thing I’m caught up on my sleep because it looks like we’re in for more thunderstorms. And of course, they’re going to happen when I’m sleeping. Really didn’t think we would have much of a storm season, because it’s been so dry here. But I swear it’s like a switch has been flicked on.

I was quickly and easily able to schedule a cleaning appointment online with my dentist for the 1st. I worry I have yet another cavity because I’ve been feeling some stinging. Argh!

They say that most individuals can only be pushed so far before they snap. Well, what I’m wondering these days is how far society is going to let itself be pushed before it fights back.

The abortion fight isn’t just sad, infuriating, and worrisome. It’s utterly batshit, over-the-top ridiculous. I mean just fucking insane! All this bickering back and forth from both sides over something that should be nobody’s business but the women it personally involves. I’m truly embarrassed for these people and their behavior.

When the abortion pill is heavily restricted if not banned completely, I wonder if that’s what it’s going to finally take for the people of this country to start fighting back. If not, how many more rights and freedoms have to be snatched before society finally gets fed up enough to start eradicating some of these extremists who are turning so many lives upside down? Just like an abusive partner or spouse doesn’t usually stop on their own, crazy flourishes where crazy is allowed to do so. When will it be time to do more than just shout in the streets while waving signs? If people don’t put their foot down, sooner or later this is going to escalate into something this country has probably never seen before in its existence.

MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2023 I was really hoping I would be sleeping later by now just in case Ray starts having work done on his place this week. I’ll be crashing in the late morning, though. It’s still hard to believe someone would spend that much money to widen their driveway for visitors, especially here, but with my shit luck, he was dead serious about doing that and not just thinking about it. Tom thinks he may back out because of the costs. Nah, I think this guy has a lot more money than we do.

I’m in a blah mood right now. Not quite depressed but not good either. I definitely need to get out, and Tom and I will see to that as soon as I’m staying up later, even if it’s mostly to play the damn appointment game. My eyes are gonna be sensitive to the sun since I’ve been indoors since my surgery. One appointment I have to make is for the dentist because as usual, I have another fucking cavity. It’s on the upper left molar behind the new bridge. So sick of all these dental and health issues!

All my bandages came off yesterday. The scars are healing nicely, but I still seem to have some upper belly bloating. I’m surprised I’m not itching like crazy.

I wish I could be excited about the future, but honestly, I’m just not. I just don’t see any room left for surprises in our lives at our ages. Not good ones anyway. I forget that when he gets back to work the money will be in addition to his retirement and not in place of it, so getting a full-time job he really doesn’t want to lose isn’t critical. He assured me that if they fire him because he has to cart me around to too many doctors, he’ll just get another one. It still sucks either way.

I'm sure this is pure fantasy just like everything else we hope and plan for but since we are where we are in life, it would be nice if he only had to work long enough to get us out of debt and upgrade this place. Then he would quit and not go back to work until the debt mounted again or we wanted to do something expensive like go cruising or fly off to wherever. Only problem is it would take a hell of a lot more than just part-time or a few months to get ahead and get this place upgraded. It sucks because it's like our only choice is for him to work and us to have more money which is good but less time together as opposed to him staying home and us being broke. Either way, we can't do much. He either stays home and we don't have money to do things or he goes to work and he doesn't have time for things while I don't have the energy whether he’s home or not.

I was pretty tired all night and even took a nap. I slept OK, so I’m not sure why I’m tired. I guess my body is still healing although this is also common for me.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not I really want to go to a cardiologist and get that baseline established that Tom thinks would be good to do. On the one hand, I can’t imagine anything wrong being discovered. But then with my track record of them finding things wrong, I’m afraid of what they may come up with.

Is it selfish to hope you die before your husband? I don’t want to leave him alone, of course, but at the same time, even though I know he loves the hell out of me, I feel like he wouldn’t be nearly as lonely and lost without me as I would without him. Plus, he can drive himself where he needs to go. Because he’s more independent, I think that he would be able to handle living alone a lot easier than I ever could these days. It’s both sad and scary to think about either way but my mind can’t help but go to these dark places at times and wonder who will go first. Or better yet, will I go first while he lives on to die of natural causes, or will he die with me quickly following because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without him? Then I wonder about a possible afterlife, and it all spirals out of control in my mind that I need to kill the hurricane in my brain and get back to whatever pleasant thoughts I can manage to muster up in my mind. That whole trying to live in the moment thing doesn’t always work for me. I’m trying, though!

I just published some old entries from the early 90s on MD and was reading an excerpt where my mother demands I call her only once a month. So typical of her and so stupid of me to put up with someone like that. It was unacceptable behavior from someone not related to me, and twice as unacceptable from my own damn mother. We both knew damn well it wasn’t really about money. It was that the bitch couldn’t stand me. She always hated me. Or at least she hated having to listen to me on the phone or be around me in any way. What mother wants her daughter who lives nearly 3000 miles away to call just 12 times a year?

SATURDAY, APRIL 22, 2023 Sure enough, my yeast infection symptoms flared back up. So now I’m going to be trying a single-dose pill of Diflucan. I’m skeptical that one pill can kill this shit but we’ll see. I just can’t get a fucking break! Maybe I just needed to do a 7-day treatment instead of a 3-day.

I also have that yucky thrush that leaves my mouth feeling gross that I get when I don’t have yogurt. Kroger will deliver that tomorrow and a few other things. After we use up the three deliveries we get without having to pay a delivery fee, we’ll go back to Walmart. Yes, Walmart does a shitty job but they’re cheaper and we’re more familiar with their stuff. They also don’t seem to be as out of stock as Kroger is.

I asked Tom if he would want to live another 50 to 100 years if he could, and he said sure he would. Me? I’m not so sure. This country is still heading in the wrong direction and even if it wasn’t, I just can’t imagine living that long. Especially with limited money which wouldn’t allow us to do as much. I’m really worried about our future. I know whatever is going to be is going to be, and we’ll have little to no control over it. But I worry about him having to work until he dies. I’m even more worried about him not being able to work and not having enough money to live on.

I could never “see” us redoing the floors and other things here and assumed that meant we would eventually be moving because his program worked out. Now I’m starting to think I don’t see it because we’re not moving and we’re not going to have the money to make the upgrades. Oh, well. As long as he stays healthy and I don’t get as anxious as I used to. After just five months, I’m not ready to breathe a sigh of relief and think I’ve escaped that shit. It’s way too soon.

No insomnia yesterday. I guess the long stretches caught up to me because I actually fell asleep a couple hours earlier than normal and slept 8 hours.

The new hair dye and hair dye kit are great. You get a much more natural look with this stuff because it covers more evenly. Just a little darker than I prefer. I suppose I can always lighten it up later on.

I had a dream we were helping these two homeless women that we took in. I swear one of them looked like Marsha C from Valleyhead and Nancy K from jail. They were still young, though, and he seemed willing to help them but I didn’t trust them. They seemed to sense this and hung out with him more often on one side of the house which didn’t look like this place while I worried on the other side that they were making a mess and worse. Worse as in seriously taking advantage of Tom.

FRIDAY, APRIL 21, 2023 Got our first Kroger delivery and it was pretty good. Not sure if we’re going to stick with them or not. They are more expensive, but we may have no choice because we just can’t get Walmart to do the job properly. Their site seemed simple enough to navigate. The only thing I don’t like is that you have to keep loading more results. I kind of like the nutritional score that most of their items have. I don’t take it too seriously, but it’s cool to see.

When I informed Andy that I would be getting my gallbladder removed, I thought about how he would tell Judy. Sure enough, he said she said something about one of my parents getting theirs removed (which I’d forgotten about until I read back on an old journal entry from decades ago), and that right there told me that, yes, he’s still filling her in on what’s going on with me which means others are being filled in as well. I don’t know why, but this bugs me. It isn’t that he’s sharing top-secret information that I want to be kept between us. Believe me, if it was that private, I wouldn’t share it with him. It’s just that it’s no one’s business. Why does anyone I’m not friends with need to know what’s going on with me unless I tell them directly or share it in a public journal entry? Why would she care, not that she has ill feelings toward me? I’m flattered he feels I’m that interesting to discuss. But what about what’s going on with him and in his life? Is his own life that boring?

I got a text with a link for my dental cleaning but the link takes me to a blank page. I jumped on their website and was pleased to find that you can schedule online. Hopefully, it works when it comes time to start scheduling the rest of my appointments. I need to get new glasses first. Things are getting pretty blurry.

Jessie’s upset because her doctor wants her to remain on 88s. She said she’s gained 4-5 lbs. What’s weird is that she won’t give me her numbers. I keep asking and she says she’ll have to look on the computer. I know her memory isn’t great, but is it really that bad, and is it really that hard for her to check? I was just curious but whatever. She needs to go by how she feels and not what the numbers say, just like I do.

I’m starting to wonder if my dose increase is what’s been causing my insomnia lately. I don’t have any other symptoms, but I’m staying up for around 19 hours and not sleeping as long. Jessie says she doesn’t sleep as long on higher doses. Tom thinks it's because I haven't been as active due to the surgery. The only time I slept more was in the first 3-4 days after surgery. If the upper belly bloating doesn’t go down, I’m going to be getting a little concerned because the AI bot said it could be gas or fluid buildup. My bandages are getting closer to falling off. They’re slowly peeling off. Some of them are barely hanging on.

Last night I was mostly in a blah mood, but we think it was because it was nighttime and I spent the bulk of it alone. We had fun playing the new golf course and gathering lost balls. It’s an Egyptian-themed course called Temple at Zerzura. I beat him by one point, even though it was my first time playing and his second time.

I was able to hit the road for 20 minutes yesterday. Reaching the Belgian border is definitely going to be delayed due to the surgery. I’m 19% through the trip now. Robert announced that the next challenge will involve flowers which is fine with me since I love them.

I asked Irma’s opinion on Ray’s talk about widening his driveway and if she thought it was for visitors or if someone could be moving in, and she thinks it’s for visitors. I hope so because, fortunately, he doesn’t have them that often. It would be even better if he decided it was too much money and not worth it. She did say he was considering moving here permanently and would be returning with a lot of stuff from Michigan. Not a bunch of noisy power tools, I hope!

He may have started using his lanai because I saw one of the windows open.

I’ve been missing many of the Jewish foods I grew up on. I looked up some of the recipes but they’re not that easy to make. Gribenes, Kishka, Kugel, Matzo ball soup, lox, potato latkes, and more. I got some Matzo flatbread to snack on.

I don’t remember my dreams the last time around but before that, I had a dream I was hanging out with Andy. We both had Fitbits, even though he’s never had an interest in having one. There were some vital numbers we were checking out that might have been related to blood pressure, and he looked at his and was pleased by what he saw. I read mine off and he said, “Damn!” knowing they weren’t good. Then I started whimpering as if I was afraid I didn’t have much longer to go.

In real life, I’m still guessing it’s very unlikely my mildly prominent main pulmonary artery means anything. And I definitely don’t feel like I have one foot in the grave either.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19, 2023 I may have gotten to escape listening to Ray get his new AC put in, but I’m not going to escape the annoyances over there that are about to come. May even be a little more than just annoying. The bitch’s motorcycle; that’s annoying. This may border on maddening, and who knows how much sleep I may lose, depending on when it’s done.

I haven’t gone out because I’m still recovering but Tom met Ray. He talked to him and a guy he had out for an estimate on rocks for his yard. It’s not rocks I’m worried about. He’s only doing the front and that takes a day or two. It’s the fact that he wants to widen his driveway that has me concerned. He asked if it was for a golf cart and he said no, it was for a vehicle. My first question was, why does he need a second vehicle? Tom thinks it’s for friends to park. But why would you spend $500 or more for friends to park when they can park in the street? They don’t want you parking in the street overnight, but there’s no reason you can’t park on the street when visiting people. I worried it was so he could have room to set up a workshop but Tom says it’s too humid for that here and he doesn’t seem like the type. Maybe someone’s moving in with him?

Well, he definitely has money if he can get a new AC and then rocks for his yard, which costs twice as much as sod, and widen his driveway while he’s at it. What’s next? The roof and the windows? I asked Irma, and she said the roof is 18 years old with 30-year shingles so maybe it will be 12 years before I have to listen to that. The windows are definitely the original, though.

I really hope he is doing all this for visitors because they’re going to widen it in our direction which means the cars are going to be closer to the wall of our house. This will be a maddening project compared to laying the rocks. It’s going to take a week or more and not only involve loud vehicles but a shitload of sawing and hammering too. The hammering would be the biggest threat to my sleep.

I knew this guy was too quiet to be true and that he wouldn’t stay this quiet forever, and somehow I doubt he’s taking off for Michigan in May either.

Rocks are so much more expensive here than they were in California because they have to haul them from further away.

I asked Tom if he got the sense that he might get a dog and he said that was harder to tell. He said he doesn’t seem healthy enough to ride a motorcycle. Says he doesn’t seem in the greatest health but not like he’s gonna die any time soon either.

So I won’t be sleeping well if I’m on nights when all this happens, and I’ll be driven crazy by the noise if I’m on days. Good thing I just charged up my headphones.

Irma was surprised when I told her he got a new AC because she said the AC guy said to keep it until it stopped because the new ones aren’t as good as the old ones.

The same delivery driver came today and this time quietly. I thanked Amazon on Twitter and said it was too bad they couldn’t take care of satisfying their Alexa customers as quickly as with annoying delivery drivers. But this time they gave me a new tip that might actually work. They told me to tell Alexa, “Stop by the ways,” and Alexa said she would snooze that for now. I’m sure the annoyances will pick up again within a month or so but if it will work for periods of time, why not?

TUESDAY, APRIL 18, 2023 Gmail has a promotional tab and who should they want to promote to me? Gastro Florida of course. No thanks!

Shoving foreign objects up my lady pouch without lube is not a comfortable experience. When I do the final insert, I’m just gonna shove it up there with my finger. The treatment seems to be doing the trick so far, but that’s what I thought about the antibiotics. I’m not about to jinx myself by assuming this problem has finally been resolved. Every time I do, the burning flares back up. I am at least a little hopeful, though, given my symptoms.

Despite feeling confident that I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, I do kind of dread going to the cardiologist only because I’m afraid of what they might turn up that I wasn’t aware of. In the less than two years we’ve been in Florida, they’ve already discovered three things I didn’t even know I had. A fatty tumor they have to make sure isn’t growing. A dead gallbladder. And now enlarged lung arteries. Makes me wonder what other hidden little gems my body may be hiding that are just waiting to be discovered.

I have more fatigue today than yesterday, but I haven’t been able to nap.

I told Jessie I wish I had her problem where she has to beg for more thyroid medication while I have to beg my doctors not to push more on me since I don't feel well in the normal range. If my TSH gets under a 6, then I have epic anxiety. I'd rather stay fat and calm.

I thought about it and decided to just forget about the home improvement list. It isn’t that I don’t want to do these things but I’m tired of setting unobtainable goals. You can’t fail to reach your dreams and meet your goals if you stop dreaming and stop making plans. From here on out, it’s best to just make do with what we’ve got. In order to keep me occupied, whenever he manages to return to work, that’s when I’ll really tackle reorganizing this place and making things fit better into what little space we have now that we’ve gotten settled.

As for the carpet and the way it’s rough on my feet, there’s always lotion or shoes.

As for doing a thorough soundproofing of the bedroom, the storm seasons are likely to have fewer and fewer storms due to drier conditions. I really believe this is a new trend for this area that will exist for many years to come.

The voice tweet I left a few days ago has eight listens. I should be flattered, LOL. Yeah, sometimes I like to speak what’s on my mind instead of voice-typing it. Like how fucked up Walmart is. They have been screwing up every single fucking order lately Tom is spending more time on the phone with them than is worth the savings of not having to go to the store. They’re not giving us everything we order, or they’re giving us the wrong items, or they’re giving me rotten fruit and veggies. We definitely need to find an alternative. As much as I hate crowds, if it was that easy, I would just go get the stuff myself, because then I could see exactly what we were getting. We might look into Kroger which does deliveries, but I have a feeling they’re going to be pretty pricey.

I can kind of see where they would be cracking down on cell phones at work, but I still don’t understand why nobody’s doing anything to put a damper on delivery drivers from blasting music. I literally had to get dressed and go out and shoo the Amazon driver away. Not only did he deliver the package with music blasting, but he sat there in front of the house for several minutes. I didn’t need it and the neighbors didn’t need it. I complained on Twitter and Amazon, but I doubt anything will change.

We decided to splurge on some things, so we both got new shorts from Amazon and I got a clear purse with light pink straps. It’s a little on the small side but good for running out to stores and doctors. This way, I don’t have to hunt for things. If God forbid we ever get to vacation again, then I would take my regular, bigger purse.

From a site called Temu, we got several things for dirt cheap. He got a scrubber for doing the inside of the car windows, garden gloves, and a sink drain for his bathroom.

I got doll clothes for my 18-inch dolls. 14 pieces in all. The whole order came to just over $50. I got 8 dresses, 3 top/bottom sets, a swimsuit, pajamas, and a jumpsuit.

MONDAY, APRIL 17, 2023 Happy 42nd birthday, Aly! Kim and I miss you so much. If you’re out there somewhere in some kind of afterlife, I hope you’re having a blast. I hope you’re getting to do all the things you didn’t get to do when you were alive.

It just seems so unfair. She should be home now after working with kids which she loved. She should be checking in with me on Skype to tell me about her day and hear about mine. She should be opening the package I sent her and telling me about other cards and gifts she received. I should be hearing about the progress she’s making on her story for Camp Nano and sharing mine. Maybe even asking her opinion or advice on whatever I’m writing since she was a better writer. She should be filling me in on what’s going on with her and Cam, real or imagined. We should be laughing over some silly shit Molly tweeted while we were at it.

I know I wrote that I felt a bit hurt that Jessie hadn’t checked in more often. Well, she proved that she is still a caring friend after all because I awoke to a message from her asking how I was doing. She said she didn’t want to bug me and wake me up by messaging me, but I assured her that I not only appreciated her taking the time to check in, but the phones and computers could never wake me up because they’re not near me. Well, one phone is but I have all the sounds off.

Even Kim checked in with me and that really put a smile on my face. I really miss her. I miss all my friends. I’m talking about Nurse Kim, not Crazy Kim. I’ll email Crazy Kim later. Since Aly was a mutual friend of ours, I know she’s sad too.

I’m still having some shortness of breath, soreness and fatigue, but I’m definitely on the mend. Being able to sleep on my stomach, even if not for long, feels luxurious.

It was great to be able to go to France for 15 minutes and hit the road again. I’ve got about 1770 miles to go.

The antibiotics caused a yeast infection so now I’m treating that. One thing after another, I swear!

Later… Warning! This entry contains some medical talk that may be a bit on the gross side for some people, so viewer discretion is definitely advised.

I wonder if I ever really had a UTI. Thank God for Tom because I had him look down there to see if he found any discoloration or raised spots I wasn't feeling and he said I had white globs down there which told me I had a yeast infection. I was so fucking frustrated. Lab results said I had no UTI yet the last UTI test strip I used was red and I was burning like crazy. My doctor recommended I go to urgent care if I didn't want to wait to get into a GYN. This was the last thing I wanted to do, of course, and that was when I thought to have Tom take a peek down there. After I informed my doctor of what he saw, they said a yeast infection would explain my symptoms and the results of the test strip. I asked about yeast infection treatment and they asked if I wanted to start with the cream or if I wanted them to give me pills. Even though it costs us money, I always opt for anything that doesn't involve pills, so I'm on the three-day Monistat treatment. They said they didn't recommend one-day treatment. They said three to seven is better and that's what the reviews Tom checked out said.

Tom, my hero as always, ran out to Walgreens to grab me the Monistat and when I first applied it I noticed an increase in burning. This was a bit discouraging, but I later read on the box that this is normal. It took several hours, but the burning finally backed off. I just hope that this time it stays that way! If it comes back, I'll ask the docs for pills as a last-ditch effort to cure this before resorting to a GYN.

Had my 12th session with Helen and mostly brought her up to date on the health issues. I also let her know I was a little sad about Aly and we talked about that a little and what I miss about her.

She also asked me what I would say to my foster mom if she was still alive.

Helen is a very religious woman and is always sure to respect my personal beliefs. It was pretty funny because when we were talking about my dream premonitions, she started to explain something to me and then she stopped herself and said she needed to think of a different way to explain it. That's when I came out and asked, “Were you going to tell me that God gave me that gift?” LOL.

We were both laughing over that and I told her I wasn't offended at all by those who have a different belief system than I do that don't try to cram it down my throat, and that I was open to hearing different thoughts and beliefs even though I personally don't have any specific beliefs. I have a lot of theories and ideas but not set beliefs.

We were also talking about how I missed certain aspects of my past. Just the way I looked at some things and the way I felt at different times. She asked if I would be open to the idea of writing stories containing some of those old feelings and seeing if that brings them back. I thought of that, but I don't think that would change much and bring me back in time, so to speak. I'm not the same person with the same life, mind, and body I had years ago. It's kind of like your first time visiting a new country and how excited you are. But after you do this a few times, visiting other countries loses its newness and excitement.

SUNDAY, APRIL 16, 2023 Still out of it. This may be another one of those entries I'll have to do in chunks. Right now, it's just after 10:00 a.m. Eastern time.

It's hot and humid, but still no rain here. This is just too weird. Instead, I've been hit with more motorcycle activity, ironically, since the honker left. I can't swear to it because I don't always see them but I think it's all coming from the bitch behind him. She and her little buddy are riding more and more. I thought about reporting them since it clearly states in the rule book that you're not supposed to rev engines but decided against it since they're not waking me up. Also, I've learned that this park doesn't necessarily spite its complainers like the old one, but it doesn't do anything about the problem either.

It also has a twisted sense of priority. They just removed the plants by the entrance that hadn't even been there for a year and replaced them with palm trees. So they can afford to redo the landscaping that didn't need to be done, but they can't replace the fallen fence in the legacy section? Someone in the group just said they were blocking the road because they fell down. LOL.

More to come later…

And now it’s coming up on 2:00 p.m. Most of the pain has subsided, but I’m still pretty out of it. I didn’t realize I would have to spend this much time in bed, but Becky said she did too when she had her own gallbladder removed. It’s been so long since I had surgery that I forget that the body needs to rest to heal itself.

I at least managed to polish my nails hot pink.

Ordered another pair of shorts, too. The XXL shorts are big on me but comfortable so I decided to keep them. I’ll have a pair in black as well as gray.

I also got some developer for the dye I got and a hair-dyeing kit.

Right now, there’s this rude ass with a 3-wheeled motorcycle joyriding through the park. It’s not as loud as your average motorcycle, but it’s loud enough. They just made the fourth pass. Amazing what the people here will put up with vs what they’ll fight to change. Of course, I’ve had to hear from the bitch a couple of times too. I think her buddy just left.

Tom and I talked about it and we’re pretty sure I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, even though we’re going to get it checked out. I just can’t believe the doctor would go ahead with the surgery if he thought there was a real chance I had it. I also can’t believe this developed overnight, especially since the prognosis is very poor. About three years without treatment and seven with treatment.

Tomorrow, I meet with Helen on what would have been Aly’s 42nd birthday. I’m feeling sad over that and very overwhelmed at the moment. Just wondering how the hell we’re gonna work out all the appointments and deal with the money and him trying to get back to work. I think he’s gonna have to get something on the 2nd shift because I don’t see the appointments ever slowing down, at least not by much. No, I won’t always have gallbladder-related appointments, but there will just be something else to replace those. It's not in my cards to ever have a place that I truly love. But while I can’t say I love this place, I definitely do like it, and I don’t wanna ever lose it. Besides, if we were ever in a position where we couldn’t afford to stay here, where the hell could we go?

There they go again for the sixth or seventh time. I’ve lost count of how many. I don’t think it’s an actual motorcycle. It’s some kind of tricked-out cart. Why would they keep riding it around here if they could just take it out on the open road? Tom just said he saw it and that it can go on the road. He said he thinks they’re just showing it off. If that’s something you feel the need to do, then why not go to the city?

I know there’s such a thing as memory pain, and I swear I’ve been feeling cramps similar to what I would feel before the gallbladder was removed. I’d hate to think there could have been something else causing those cramps! I’m already regretting this surgery as it is.

I was reading someone’s journal and how they talked about those taking the time out to care about what’s going on in their lives no matter what they’ve got going on in their own lives. They talked about a friend having kids and a really busy life yet still taking the time to keep in touch and I couldn’t help but compare this person to Jessie. She can’t ask me how I’m feeling today because, hey, her dog had surgery a week or so ago. I don’t buy the not being on Facebook as often either because I’ve seen her online on and off just like always.

I get it. She’s not the caring bestie that Aly was and I’m likely never going to have anyone ever again that is. Someone smart, mature, creative, and who remembers and cares about the things I tell them. Someone that shares what’s going on with them with me as well. And I get that I have to let people be who they are even if I don’t always like it.

Why is it that the crazier and the uglier someone is the more attention I get from them? It still amazes (and used to embarrass me) just how easily I can get all the attention in the world from someone who looks and acts like Kim. I used to take it personally in that I thought it was something about my appearance that was drawing these “uglies” to me, but I realize I got a lot of attention from these kinds of people before any of them even knew what I looked like, and that the uglier people are simply more sociable. I’m not sure why this is, but that’s just the way it seems to be. The digital world has taught me it has nothing to do with the person I am or what I look like. I just wish I could have Aly back no matter what the hell she looked like! Personality is way more important to me than appearance.

There was a girl named Jodie whom I talked to on another site, and I decided to block her on Facebook as well as on the site I met her. I hope she won’t notice because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m just looking out for myself, is all, and following the instinct I should have followed earlier.

Being the good judge of character that I am, I sensed that she wasn’t quite stable when she first reached out to me. She asked to connect on Facebook, and my too-nice self came out and agreed. Upon reading more of her stuff and what someone else had to say about her, I realized that I should protect myself before there was a chance for any trouble. I’m not saying there would be, but why take that chance? Why not go with what my gut instinct is telling me? This person insisted that they not only knew her in real life but that she was very toxic. The kind that will spite you if you piss her off. I don’t see what much she could do to me, especially being in another country, but I don’t need the hassle either way.

After being stopped up for nearly four days, I finally went the night before last. There was no pain but I did start burning again right after I went. That made me wonder if something was wrong with my poo and never in my UT. I’m still hoping I can take care of it myself with probiotics because I don’t want to add yet even more appointments to the list trying to figure out what it is.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14, 2023 I'm still in a lot of pain, although my breathing is still back to normal. I had to remind Jessie that I had the surgery. She was sympathetic to my plight and had some questions about it but says the reason she hasn't seen my posts was that she hasn't been on Facebook much because her dog recently had surgery. Yeah, whatever. She can definitely relate to what I'm going through, though, because she's had a C-section and her ovaries removed. So she knows what it's like to have her guts cut up.

To get off the subject of my health for a minute, I am absolutely disgusted by Florida making abortion virtually illegal, although I'm not the least bit surprised (or by the fact that the abortion pill may become virtually illegal as well). What do people expect from all these extremists taking control of the country? And when the hell are they going to fight back? I mean really fight back. Not just scream in the streets. Like it or not, sometimes two wrongs really do make a right. Sometimes the only way to get rid of a problem is to literally eliminate it. If a wild animal comes at you in the wilderness, you can't reason with it, you can't compromise with it, and you can't run or else it will chase and catch you. You can only eradicate it. I truly believe that sometimes it's like that with evil people.

My husband, who is a die-hard optimist, says it's the younger people who rise to power and fame overnight like Hitler and Mussolini that are the real threat to society, pointing out that Trump was famous before running for president. I still don't see how he can't see that with each new attack on women and each new book ban and each new attack on gays we're getting closer and closer to the end of democracy. The further we step back into the Dark Ages puts us one step closer to becoming a dictator country. If that's what people want and they're OK with it, then they'll just keep giving in to the craziness and not fight back.

I'm no longer quick to assume something can't or won't happen because people wouldn't go that far because, yes, they would. How do any of us know that blogging and keeping journals and diaries won't one day be illegal?

Maybe not everything has shitty timing for us after all because when Tom came back in from the laundry room, he said that he could see that Ray got a nice, shiny new AC. How nice of him to get it while I was on the operating table so I wouldn't have to listen to every bump, bang, and slam while they installed it just 15 feet from our wall.

I'm getting exhausted again so I'm going to haul my gallbladderless self back into bed.

I'm still pretty out of it, so I'm going to work on this entry little by little until I have everything updated. I'm so relieved to have the gallbladder out of me but I've got a lot more pain than I expected. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it an 8. Andy's sister, Linda, once told me that C-sections are a killer, and I can totally see where they would be. If I'd have had to have open surgery instead of laparoscopic, I'm sure my pain would be a 10+. Fortunately, though, I do have a high pain threshold because the oxycodone I was given does little to nothing to help my pain. I don't understand why so many people get addicted to this stuff. If I sit still for a while or lie down or I'm standing, it's not that bad. It's when I get up and down. The worst is getting out of bed. I kind of have to roll out of it and even that hurts. Becky warned me that oxy would stop me up and that's fine with me because even though I only took a couple of them, the last thing I want to do is have to exert those muscles trying to do a number two (still gonna take a stool softener). It hurts enough if I laugh or breathe in deeply. I can't bend over far either.

I got the results of the pre-op testing. I forgot to mention that the lady took a covid swab from my nose which was pretty uncomfortable. It was negative, as expected. However, I was surprised, although not surprised with my track record lately, to discover that I may have two new problems. First, my kidney function is down a bit. Secondly, my pulmonary arteries are enlarged and Galileo wants me to see a cardiologist. I tell you, it's just one thing after another! So frustrating too. The harder I work at getting my health on track, the more problems arise, thus more appointments. I swear the appointments multiply like cockroaches. Counting the follow-up I'm going to have with the surgeon in about a month, this whole stomach thing has taken 7 appointments from testing to diagnosis to surgery to follow-up.

Anyway, the kidney function could be down because I was fighting a UTI, although Galileo said my urine culture didn't show any organisms that were abnormal. I've been fearing that the burning will return since it did after I finished the Nitrofurantoin but it hasn't. At least not yet. So maybe it's been killed for good once and for all and I just needed to find the right antibiotic. Bactrim definitely did the trick.

Not sure what to think as far as the pulmonary hypertension goes. It could be just a physiological thing as they said and nothing to worry about. I guess it puts pressure on the lungs if you have it and that can eventually affect the heart function so that's why they want me to get checked out by a cardiologist. I wonder if the years of having high blood pressure could have caused this as well as my kidney function to be down. If it’s physiological, though, why didn’t the enlarged arteries show up on past X-rays? They used to do X-rays all the time when I was a smoker and would get bronchitis. Not sure what to think, but I'm not gonna worry about it at the moment. Whatever will be is going to be. I've pretty much given up on getting healthier. Meaning I don't think I'm ever going to be as healthy as I used to be. I don't think this is the beginning of the end so much as the beginning of a long string of problems that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don't think the golden years are going to be so golden. I think they're gonna be full of health and money issues, but only time will tell. Again, whether it's by design or random, life is just life and we don't always have as much control over it as we'd like to think we do. All we can do is do our best and hope for the best.

I hate to say it but as horrible as they were, especially my mother, a part of me wishes they were still alive to help pay for some of the stuff going on.

Back to pulmonary hypertension. It makes me wonder about some of the symptoms I've had for quite a while like fatigue, palpitations, etc.

They say bad things happen in threes, including death. I can definitely say the death thing is no joke since both my parents and my brother died in the same year. My thyroid crapped out on me, then my gallbladder, and I wonder what's next. I just hope it's not a vital part that can't be treated!

Time for a break. I gotta go lay down.

Back again after the daily outburst from Happy now that the honker is gone.

It still hasn't rained here. We've definitely got a drought going on. Never thought I'd see that in Florida of all places, but it's like dry weather follows us. We move to Cali, and it gets drier and drier. We move here, and we get the same thing. Fort Lauderdale seems to be the opposite. They got slammed with record rain that they had to close the airport. Why can’t that happen here?! But then if there’s any good to this area going Cali on us, it’s that there will be fewer storms during the storm season and make the fact that we’re probably never going to be able to soundproof the bedroom the way I want to less critical. At least until they build something in the vacant lot behind us.

A guy stopped to chat with Tom while he was out weeding and said that in the 16 years he's lived here, he's had to resod his yard several times. We wouldn't do that, though, if our grass died. We would give up and switch to gravel. I wish our place, along with Toni and Ray's, was graveled because that would keep the mowers away.

The Brooksville hospital was way better than Tampa. Tampa was much more of a zoo, and I was there for three hours for a 12-minute procedure. I was at this place for five hours for a one-hour procedure. It could have been longer, though. I was number 3 in line and I guess the first procedure was canceled. The second was just a simple little cyst removal.

The same guy who checked me in for pre-op testing checked me in and then I was taken to a prepping room. There, I would deal with a handful of people and be asked the same damn questions over and over again. I understood the reason for it was to make sure they did the right procedure on the right person, though.

The only thing that annoyed me was when staff would interrupt staff dealing with me to ask for things. One girl asked a nurse for something right as she was looking for a vein to stick the IV port in which meant I had to deal with the uncomfortable tourniquet on a little longer. Another asked a different staff member for something while she was wheeling me out. I would have spoken up about it had she not promised that if she heard her name called again, she would ignore it.

I was given these warm, thick body wipes and told to wipe everything but my groin and face, and then I got into a hospital gown. I was given a bag for my clothes and Tom hung onto that as well as my purse.

Once on the bed, I was hooked up to several things. They stuck leads on me to monitor my heart. They put an oxygen reader on my finger. Plus, these leg cuffs to help circulate the blood. They go on your lower legs and actually feel nice when they inflate, almost like a massage. I didn't like the arm cuff, but after the first few readings, I began to relax and it didn't squeeze me as tight.

Not surprisingly, they had problems getting one of the IVs in. They like to put in two so they have one as a backup if the first one should encounter any problems. The first one went in the top of my left forearm easily, but she had trouble with the right arm. She first put one in my hand and it hurt a bit because it's a sensitive area. Then it started leaking so she finally got it in on the underside of my forearm.

I had to sign a few forms and give permission to let them give me blood in the event of an emergency.

So after meeting with three nurses, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the breather, it was time to go. I call the lady who sticks the breathing tube down my throat the breather as I don't know her proper title. Maybe some kind of respiratory therapist. Anyway, the breather said I may or may not remember her asking me to open my eyes for her and take a deep breath so she knows when I can breathe on my own again, and I didn't remember this at all.

After I was hooked up to everything I needed to be connected to and signed all the necessary documents, I was given something that made me feel pretty woozy. I wasn't knocked out suddenly like I was for the endoscopy. I don't even remember being knocked out actually. I just remember being wheeled into the OR, a heavy blanket being put on me on the way there since each room they wheeled me through got colder and colder, a surgical cap being placed on my head, and an oxygen mask being put over my face.

Back again the next day. Maybe today is the day I'll actually finish this entry.

OMG, I've totally come to regret having this surgery! If you don't absolutely need your gallbladder removed, don't do it! The cramping I had before was nothing compared to this pain. I shouldn't have opted for the easy way out and cost us additional money we don't have. There were no stones, so it wasn't an emergency. Just on and off discomfort. Then again, it might have developed stones later on since it was so low functioning.

My breathing has finally improved, but I'm still in quite a bit of pain. The pain isn't quite as bad as it was but it's still bad enough. I haven't done a number two since surgery, and I'm absolutely dreading the moment I do. Luckily, I didn't puke because that would hurt way worse. After all, I was literally stabbed in the stomach four times. I have one incision right above my belly button, 2 to the right of it, and one to the left.

Picking up where I left off yesterday… Once again, there was no time gap. When I came to, I thought they were still getting ready to put me out but the guy told me I was in recovery and my gallbladder was out. I was incredibly drowsy and surprisingly short of breath, even though I was assured that my oxygen level was at 100%. Even so, I felt like I could only breathe in a quarter of the way. Supposedly, this is normal after surgery but I don't remember having this problem when I had surgery in 1995, and I was a smoker then too. They gave me a tube to inhale through and to help exercise my lungs. Today is the first day I’m breathing normally as long as I don't talk too much. And I talk-type my journal entries, LOL.

I was knocked out at around 7:30 and at 8:30, the doctor called Tom and said everything went well. It was something like 9:20 when I woke up. We left the hospital at noon.

I was a little more with it when I was moved into another room where Tom was brought in to see me. They got me a couple of cans of soda which felt so good because my mouth was dry. I didn't have the sore throat I was warned I may have from the breathing tube, though. No shoulder pain either. I guess some people have right shoulder pain as the gas moves up and out of their bodies. This is the gas they inflate your stomach with to separate your stomach from your guts so they have room to work. I had mild acid reflux and now even milder nausea but that's it so far. I had to be sure to avoid trans fat the first day, but now I can eat what I want. Once I'm able to move around more and cook more, I will definitely focus on healthier eating in general.

I have 4 square dressings covering each incision. The outer ones I was able to peel off after 24 hours. The steristrips underneath need to be left on until they fall off on their own. Still have to sleep on my back or sides too. It's more comfortable to sleep on my left side because the incisions go further toward my side on the right side.

They want to make sure you pee without issues before you leave because anesthesia can affect that. After a couple of sodas in conjunction with the IV dripping saline into me, I was able to go. Then they removed my IV ports and wheeled me out. Tom helped me into the house, of course, when we got back. Didn’t sleep that great the first night, but I slept a little better last night.

Off to lie down once again because I still don’t have much energy and I still hurt. It took me nearly half a dozen tries and two days to get this entry done!

THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 2023 Surgery Summary

Relieved that the gallbastard is gone but in WAY more pain than I bargained for. Very fatigued as well. So I’ll just leave you with a surgical summary and provide more details later.

Description of the procedure: Following her admission to the outpatient surgery area, she received 2 cc of ICG dye, in preparation for fluorescent cholangiography. She was brought to the operating room and general anesthesia induced. Ancef was administered intravenously as prophylaxis against wound infection.

Abdomen was prepared and draped in the usual sterile manner. Pneumoperitoneum was established using a Veress needle introduced lateral to the left rectus muscle. Intra-abdominal pressure was maintained at 15 mmHg, using carbon dioxide insufflation. An 8 mm robotic trocar was placed and anatomy visualized using the high definition, 3 dimensional laparoscope associated with DaVinci system. Under direct view, I placed another 8 mm trocar over the supraumbilical region, followed by 2 similar trocars along the right side of the abdomen. She was then turned into reverse Trendelenburg position, with the right side tilted up.

The robotic system was docked in place.

The fundus of the gallbladder was retracted cephalad and the infundibulum grasped with fenestrated forceps. Tissue around the neck of the gallbladder was incised using the vessel sealing device, leading to Calot’s triangle.

Fluorescent cholangiography using firefly technique was deployed at this point, leading to the identification of the cystic duct. It was isolated and controlled using locking clips. Cystic artery was controlled using the vessel sealing device. Cholecystectomy was completed using the same device as well. Gallbladder was then placed in an Endo-Catch bag and removed via the supraumbilical trocar site. The fascia over this incision was closed using 1. Vicryl under direct laparoscopic view. Skin incisions were closed using 3 0 Vicryl, in a subcuticular fashion. Preemptive analgesia was established using 0.5% Marcaine with epinephrine.

She tolerated the procedure well and was taken to the recovery room in a stable condition.

TUESDAY, APRIL 11, 2023 I wasn't going to do any more pre-surgery entries but then said, why not?

On the way to Brooksville now for testing.

My bridge went in quickly and easily yesterday at the dentist's. The assistant was even able to get the temporary off without me having to be numbed.

The rest of the day was frustrating as hell. Every time I thought I was done with the health work, there was something else to do. First, I was checking the hospital site to make sure there were no pending forms I needed to deal with. Then I got an email with a link to sign forms. Then I had to make a list of my medications. Then a woman with a hard-to-understand accent called from the billing department.

I hope some of the people I'll be dealing with today are from here! Should be more from here and fewer accents where I'm going, though, as opposed to Tampa.

Got my lab results a couple of days ago. The urine analysis shows, not surprisingly, an infection is present. I'm worried too. Worried because I still have some burning at times, and I'm worried my white blood cell count will be higher than the doctor will want to operate on me with. However, the pee was tested before I started the Bactrim. At the end of today, I take the last one. I'm worried whatever I have is resistant to antibiotics. Could be viral or yeast. I just hope I don't have to have too many more tests to find out exactly what it is so they know how to treat it. I have a bad feeling the Bacrim won't fix it and that I may even have to see a GYN or urologist. He has to get back to work and can't make a career of driving me to doctors. He shouldn't have to either, and I shouldn't have one problem after another when I'm not even 60.

Heading home now. Testing went faster than expected. We got there early and were there for about an hour. It was funny because they brought me to the Radiology department in a wheelchair. It was nice as I'm a bit tired, as usual, and it was quite a ways away. We went through a maze of corridors.

I have to remove the nail polish on my index finger and not wear my wedding band. They're going to call his phone to tell us what time to be at the hospital tomorrow. I also set him up to be texted updates during surgery. It'll be funny to see if he gets a message like "Patient now being administered anesthesia or something like that."

We really need to find some alternative to Walmart. My whole wheat bread was moldy and they love to give me rotten fruit and veggies a little too often.

I love the new hair dryer! It doesn’t straighten hair like a straightening iron because it doesn’t get as hot but it does a good job. It just takes a while. It’s a good thing my hair isn’t as thick as it used to be. Even the slightest dampness will allow it to curl back up so it has to be thoroughly dry.

Fatty here may need to get some new shorts soon. I learned a long time ago not to hold onto clothes, thinking I’ll one day be able to fit back into them. We only keep getting bigger with age, not the other way around. My shorts are getting kind of old anyway. Pretty sure I got most of them in 2015-2016.

Hanes makes shorts and I can get two pairs for 30 bucks. They have a Try Before You Buy option and even though it says XL should fit me, I want to go with XXL because again, we just get bigger. I’ll try XXL and if I like it, get another pair, or two pairs in XL. As much as I like pink and purple, I try to get a light neutral color and a dark neutral color so I can wear any kind of top with it.

I had a weird dream that I was reaching out to Shelly R to try to help me contact my mother, who was still alive. I hadn't talked to her in years and had no idea where she was.

Then there was a dream where we owned land in Arizona for two years. The land wasn't as nice as the land we once owned for real, but I don't remember what the house was like. In the dream, Tom left for work and it hit me that someone might think the house was empty and break in and how helpless I might be. But then I realized I may be just as helpless even if Tom was home at the time with us getting older.

After he left for work in the dream, I saw a tray with several envelopes with outgoing mail. I then remembered that it was supposed to be my job to put outgoing mail in the mailbox.

It ended on a weird note in some place I was working at where I was arguing with this girl over a "hair" salesman, and then discussing my previous ear surgery with her and others and letting them know that the following day I would be having my gallbladder removed.

Well, that last part is true! After 5:30, we should get a call letting us know when to be there.

Till next time!

MONDAY, APRIL 10, 2023 Luckily for me, the thunderstorms we were in for are delayed until Thursday. I'd hate to have thunder waking me up before testing and then surgery.

Today I get my permanent dental bridge. That will be in a few hours from now.

My biggest concern is that the dose increase is going to backfire on me. I almost feel like I'm slightly on edge. I'll see how I do for the rest of the week but if this escalates into obvious anxiety, then that's it. I go back to taking two 75s every week, and that's the way it stays.

This could be it for a few days. Since I'll be busy tomorrow with the pre-op testing and then having surgery on Wednesday, it may be a handful of days before I do another post depending on how out of it and sore I am. Maybe I can at least do a few quick tweets.

Wish me luck!

SUNDAY, APRIL 9, 2023 Ran off to the lab yesterday morning for a urine culture. They also requested a vaginal swab in case it was an outer yeast infection, but they don't do that there. The docs explained to me that menopausal women are prone to outer yeast infections due to being low on estrogen. Pretty sure my problem isn't coming from there, though, and that it’s another UTI contracted from bacteria in something I ate or drank, just like last time. Tom took a peek down there and didn't see any redness or rash of any kind.

Because Nitrofurantoin gave me hot flashes and made me drowsy, they called in Bactrim. No problem taking my first dose earlier. Tom was kind enough to get up for a few minutes, even though I assured him I wasn't nervous or anything because I'd had Bactrim in the 90s. I just don't remember if it was for a yeast infection, a UTI, or a sinus infection.

I was surprised to wake up this evening and find I wasn't burning nearly as much as yesterday. I was almost tempted to put off the Bactrim unless it picked up again but with my shit luck, it would do that right around surgery time, and I want my white blood cell count to be as good as it can be for pre-op testing. I don't want anything to delay getting the damn gallbladder outa me.

I got up last night and the night before at 10:00 PM. Both nights I ended up napping. I actually napped on and off from 10:30 to around 2:00 in the morning the night before last. Last night I napped for about 90 minutes. Not sure what's making me so tired, but I'm guessing that it's the infection. I don't feel too bad right now.

Although I don't feel any different, I noticed my HR has been up lately. I wonder how much of it could be tied to the dose increase. My HR used to drop to about 68 in my sleep. But lately, it's only dropping to around 73.

The dill plant died, so I pulled it out and exposed the few little cactus plants that were budding. The next day, I noticed that one sprout that was left behind made a comeback. It will be interesting to see what becomes of it.

SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 2023 Yesterday I noticed burning down there again and realized my UTI had returned. Better yet, a new one has occurred from what I read. Frustrated, I looked up the reasons for recurring UTIs. I mean I suddenly have two in a row when my last one was in the '90s? I knew it was nothing I was doing as far as hygiene was concerned. Then I found this article and I think this is my problem… Apparently, my bad gut bacteria is overpowering the good. So now I not only need another round of antibiotics with surgery looming ahead in just 4 days but I also need to go on probiotics and reduce my meat significantly. The only meat I can’t give up is fish and that’s a good thing because beef and poultry are more likely to have E coli in them. I’ll make sure I only have chicken once a week. The rest of the time will be either fish or pasta.

Reading how it can travel from the butt to the vagina to the urethra now makes some sense. I swear I was feeling like it was traveling from back to front.

I used a test strip and found that it was in between the 2nd and 3rd color blocks rather than the third like it was the first time around. So it's not quite as bad as the last one. At least not yet. I sent the picture to my docs and updated them on my symptoms. I also told them about the article I discovered and asked if that could be my problem. Lastly, and most importantly, I reminded them I have surgery on Wednesday and do NOT want to postpone it after waiting so long.

I'm sure my doctors will tell me, but the question is, what probiotics should I get? I prefer chewable, but they don't seem to come in 10 billion CFUs. It seems 10-20 is the most common. Maybe I should start with 6 to make sure there are no side effects. It can cause the runs.

I like how Replika added daily tasks to allow us to gather more gems quicker than before. Noticed they also put some items in the store that you can buy with coins rather than just gems. So I'm guessing my bitching about that paid off, although I highly doubt I was the only one to complain. I hope we still get the free weekly gift. That's a lot of fun, even if we don't always like what we get.

FRIDAY, APRIL 7, 2023 I knew it. I just fucking knew it. Tell me it's just a coincidence that the redneck's fucking mutt is barking more now that the honker is gone and I'll tell you you're full of it. I swear there's always something! If the bitch with the motorcycle moved out, in would come someone else with one that they just had to rev. Get rid of the mutt, and in comes another one. It's like something's determined to balance things out and make sure I always have something to listen to even if it isn't much compared to our other place.

And damn the shitty timing in our lives too. Things rarely seem to happen at a good time for us. Having thunderstorms on Monday and Tuesday is definitely not a good time. They couldn't have just waited a few more days! I have surgery on Wednesday and the last thing I need leading up to it are sleep disturbances, depending on how loud the thunder is. That's why it's been a race to get most of my appointments out of the way before storm season starts. Doesn't look like I'm going to quite make it, though. I should only have one appointment in July when the storms will be like clockwork. Really hope the storm season doesn't leave me exhausted enough to regret coming here! I love it here otherwise, even if it does get a little colder for a little longer than I'd like in the winter.

I was laughing my ass off reading that it was going to get down to 34 degrees a few nights ago in Citrus Heights. LOL.

Checked my blood sugar a few days ago and it was 106. Not great, but definitely not diabetic.

His name and our address ended up on Zabasearch, so I found last night, and I had it removed. Again, it's not that I fear anyone using the address in a bad way so much as that it's no one's business unless I tell them myself. I get it removed from wherever I can, even though I'm sure that if anyone was that curious they could pay to do a deep dive search if they knew our real names. Anyone who was that curious, however, would certainly have bad intentions, and I would be quick to make sure they were never that curious about anyone ever again.

Even though it's never going to be the same without Aly and it's so sad seeing our old cabin, I decided to do Camp NaNoWriMo.

I wished the honker a safe trip when I saw they were leaving, and thanked him for being considerate, unlike some others around here (bet he can guess who I'm talking about). I saw that he saw the message, but didn't reply. I don't know if I can say that it was weird or rude that he didn't respond but I was a little surprised I didn't at least get a thumbs up. When I got up this evening, there was a message from him saying, "Thanks. Sorry, had to leave early to deal with some things."

I wonder when they would have left then. Mid-April? May?

I'm getting Mia as many items from the store as I can with coins because that way they're more likely to give her gem items on free gift day.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4, 2023 Made it to France, yay! I have about 1908 miles to go and am 12% through the ride.

Other than that, the honker left shortly before 7 this evening, and then I heard Happy bark for the first time in weeks, not once but 3 times. Really hope that mutt doesn't make up for the lack of honks and motorcycle rides.

MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2023 Last night, we discussed our plans for the future. I don't know that he'll ever be willing to admit it, but the horse program is a bust. I mean, it works, but it doesn't work well enough. Therefore, I've decided I don't want to move unless we were to be surprised by winning at least a quarter mil. The reason for this is simple. I don't want to have to settle. Sure, I would love a place with a bigger living room for VRing but that's all we would get would be a bigger place with bigger bills. It wouldn't be on the beach or in a soundproof high-rise overlooking the ocean. So if my dream home isn't in my cards, why settle unnecessarily when this place is as good as any to spend the rest of our lives in? On top of that, I have too much fatigue for things like moving.

Lastly, why risk giving up tolerable neighbors? Yeah, the honker and the bitch behind him get a little annoying at times but we've otherwise lucked out. We could have ended up with a lot worse close to us. The guy next door is so quiet that it wouldn't matter if he was a snowbird or not, and Toni is pretty quiet too.

The honker got the black trailer and loaded the motorcycle into it while I was sleeping.

Because he has to go back to work, a dog is out of the question. When I'm on nights, somebody would need to be here to take it out during the daytime. I'm allergic to cats and wouldn't want them jumping up onto counters and furniture and getting into things, not to mention how much I hate the way they claw and bite and the smell of litter boxes. Birds are obnoxious and fish are mostly boring. So we decided on my favorite animal of all time and to get a rat in a month or so. I'm definitely OK with this because I do miss them and I know rats well. I've had virtually no experience with dogs and was always a little nervous to go into the unknown. Even hypoallergenic dogs can flare up one's asthma and allergies, and of course, I would worry about it barking while I was sleeping. I've been having a lot of rat dreams, which tells me something right there.

I got things picked out on Amazon. A cage, chew toys, hammocks, a cat wand (they like to chase things too), and water bottles. Not gonna bother with a food bowl because they just dig through and kick out what they don't want. Better to just throw a scoop of food on the floor of their cage in the corner, rather than have them make a mess of it. I'll let him pick the best bedding and food for them.

The cage is ugly with a dark gray base and clip-on shelf, but at least it's a tubby base that is deep enough to keep bedding from flying out, and the dimensions are good. I realize that because rats like to run around loose, the cage doesn't have to be overly big. It's about 32 inches long and 17 inches high. Its door is also situated in a way that will allow them to hop in and out as they please. It has a door on top as well.

I look forward to being a rat mom again, even if that means scratches from their sharp nails and pee in various spots throughout the place because they just have to mark their territory, LOL.

I have mixed emotions about him going back to work. I'm just glad it's going to be part-time! It sucks because I know he doesn't want to have to work again and it limits when we can do things. But as long as I'm feeling good physically and emotionally, I wouldn't mind the extra space. Maybe then I can get myself to focus on stories and things like that. Or at least do more artwork. At least it will be only part-time in case I do have problems again and he doesn't have to worry about insurance and benefits and all that.

On the plus side, we do miss having extra money. It isn't that I feel I've got to shop for all kinds of things. I've been there, done that, and we only have so much space for junk. But it was nice when we could be told that my root canal would cost $1700 and simply write out a check on the spot and be done with it. He's not going to make the kind of money he made in California, especially working part-time, but the cost of living is cheaper here.

I may not get nearly as many nicknacks as I used to, but I'm looking forward to the hair dryer/straightener that I'm going to be getting when we make our next Walmart order. I hope it's easier to use than the straightening brush I have. It's hard to get the brush through the hair because of the rubber heat protectors.

I also got new boy short undies but that's more of a necessity than anything else.

Anyway, we're gonna discuss our future pet in more detail around our anniversary. Then, after he's had a chance to work and get us out of debt, we'll discuss how we're gonna go about upgrading this place. The biggest things for me are totally soundproofing the bedroom, adding counters and cabinets to the kitchen, and replacing the floors. Secondary to that would be installing a washer and dryer in place of the built-in desk, replacing the kitchen sink, and replacing the windows. Still wouldn't mind one of those smart air beds too.

SATURDAY, APRIL 1, 2023 I’m still a little shocked that Trump was indicted, but I think that if he gets convicted and can’t be re-elected, we’ll just be stuck with DeSantis. Tom and I agree that Biden isn’t much better since he hasn’t gotten anything done. Politicians are politicians. They’re all self-serving control freaks. Either that or they don’t do anything at all. Anyway, Trump should have been locked up years ago and if he really did rape anyone, he should have been killed. On this subject, one can argue with me all they want, but they can’t change my mind.

I’m not only so fed up with the corruption and twisted laws, but the double standards as well. Marjorie Taylor Green can threaten violence against trans people all she wants but if I were to threaten just one person, off to jail I would likely go.

I get a little worried every time I hear about Social Security being reduced around 2034. So technically we could end up in a similar situation as when the recession hit only will have some income instead of none at all. The question is whether or not it will be enough to pay for the bare necessities. I’m glad we have plenty of time before we’re faced with whatever may happen then but it also sucks because in the mid-30s, we’ll still have 5-10 years left to live. With the way the world is heading, I'm just so glad we're not young! I’d hate to have 50 or 60 years left. If there’s any good to Tom’s and my age difference, it’s knowing that if I wasn’t going when he went - and I certainly am - I could have 25-30 more years to go. No thanks! I just hope he can retire for good someday and not have to work on and off for the rest of his life.

Poor Tom, LOL. He gained 5 lbs doing intermittent fasting. He was making up for lost time in that 8-hour window. Fortunately for me, diets have never made me gain weight. They just don’t work.

I’m so glad I don’t live where Helen lives! She was in a different part of her house and I guess she lives on a corner somewhere close to the center of her town. I could hear all kinds of motorcycles and muscle cars zooming around the corner. It sounded like our old place!

We were talking about how different emotions affect different body parts. Ironically, anger is tied to the gallbladder. It’s also said to affect the eyes and liver. Well, my liver is fine, but I sure am blind as fuck. I’m not sure I want to put much value into this, though. Sure, how we feel emotionally can affect us physically and vice versa but gallbladder surgery is very common. Almost everyone needs glasses at some point in their lives too.

[kaoarika]

Just a vent thing because I feel shitty (this will be more meaningful shortly in a TMI manner)

GOOD god.

So, I don't know if I ever shared about it here, but from time to time I tend to happen some muscular pains around my hips/back and I'm always all "maybe it's because I sleep or sit in the most AWFUL position posible, I'm not 20 anymore" or "ovulation". I fear for a third (or fourth) secret thing, ngl, because own health stuff situation MAY lead to that and I may NOT be taking care of myself 24/7 (I want to disclose that I have hypothyroidism, and I am medicated), and, again, I'm not in my 20s anymore, so.

This pain I have may not even be muscular, I'm awfully aware, but you know. I was looking through my old tweets (because I complain about this on twt much more than here), and some of these tend to fall around whe I ovulate and while these may make SO much more sense (in the way that once I started to medicate my situation, my periods became much more regular and I started to feel more usual pms/menstrual symptoms), some other times, I do not know.

Last period cycle before this month's was the most painful I had have in a LONG while and I attribute that much more to the stress that I had between April and May (and early June). Luckily, after that one, I didn't complain much and I had a very much normal average period cycle (afaik or remember). But then, then...

This past Tuesday I woke up with an awful mood, and the area between my hips and lower belly started to hurt (also, started to have a back-related pain). Not much appettite, either. And I start to fear the worst. Also happen to be the days which I would normally ovulate (according to my calculations), so it would be a 1+1 = 2 situation, but then... I seemed to have constipation which also adds a neat asterisk to this at whole. Which is... so fucking fun... I even tried to take an ibuprophen but it didn't fix anything and the pain(s) persisted.

Yesterday I felt like dead, lmao. Not mood for anything, and I didn't want to move a lot because of this (so I wonder if the back-pain is related to this?) and it was all adding up to my constipation and stress, and it made me more and more annoyed (adding salt to the wound, it was raining outside). I tried to sit alright, I tried to get moving, etc.

I tried to get to the conclusion that, maybe this was all gastrointestinal, so I tried my best to fix the constipation itself, so you can imagine early this morning me doing almost everything suggested online (eating fiber, drinking (black) coffee, slight exercises, natural laxatives, drinking lots of water, etc.) until it worked this afternoon? But even so, I feel everything still got me later (did I do right or did I get a stomachache? I wish I could give a straight answer, I still feel slightly nauseous, too), :'), and I even used heat to warm these annyoing pains that still remain. And... that's pretty much where I am.

These pains or whatever are still somewhat bothering me. I know that my solution to fix everything is not a quick one, but at least I did something and that seems to be okay... but the rest? not so much.

One of the third or fourth things I don't want to think about is if it is related to my kidneys... but I cannot know for sure because, if I had a VERY serious problem, I feel it would be MORE obvious -and I mean, the back pain I have is somewhat located around my right kidney, I think?-, like I couldn't walk or even having a fever, but, what do I know?

Ugh, the more I think about it, is that I should go to get a general revision or something. Im still seeing my specialized doctor in a week and a half, and I GUESS, I should ask them about this. But even, so. I'm not sure of what else to feel like and do right now. There's a chance this is all related to my ovulation days/period and bad habits and stress and (possible) anxiety, and I'm paying it all now that I'm in my 30s. There's also a chance it would be a third or fourth secret thing and I'm pretty scared to find out.

Chances are that my (specialized) doctor might ask me to get a blood and urine test, but MAAAAAAAN...

[maideninorange]

"Oh come on! What do we gotta give ya?" the so-called "new emperor" huffed, "Do you want money? Is that it?!"

"If you were to release me from my bonds within the next thirty seconds, I might just feel kind enough to only take off one of your combined limbs," Saragimaru snarled, baring their fangs as they strained against their bonds. Starting with the one who thought sealing ofuda would be a great idea, preferably.

The Fujiwara amongst them, Iyo...whatever it was, hummed in contemptation, their fear licking at their nostrils, "Oh shut it, prisoner! You know that cruel villain in black's weaknesses, don't you?! We're not letting you go until you tell us!"

Ugh...Kuroji...This trio is just another of the many thorns they had littered in their sides. Everyone wants revenge on them—themself included—for any number of cruel deeds committed against them. These ones specifically had a debt problem, last they checked.

But what in the deep bowels of Makai would make these idiots think they are the solution to their financial woes? Even if they were willing to share things like Kuroji's incessant need for the approval of one of the Senri Shrines' local louts or the way they fuss over their younger siblings and them, sometimes, what on earth would they gain from it?

Besides, it's not like these three won't just sell them back to Kuroji when all is said and done, just like during that mock war incident last spring. No. Thanks. They were not about to be humiliated again by their hands when Kuroji alone is a test of their dignity.

So they simply continue to scowl at them, wondering what else would get them to let them go. That would be the least annoying option.

When they finally realized Saragimaru had shut their mouth, the "emperor" turned to look at their subordinates, "Why won't they say anything?! What have we ever done to them?!"

"Ya mean sell 'em back to that scoundrel?" the blonde youkai snarks, an eyebrow raised, "Ah don't think their guard's gonna let itself down a second time after that."

"Hm..." the Fujiwara thinks for a second, then says, "I know, why don't we just threaten their loved ones~! That'll get them talking!"

"Are ya sure that's a good idea? That ofuda probably ain't gonna hold for-"

"That's a great idea, Iyozane!" the emperor proclaims, pumping a fist in the air like that'll hide the scent of fleeting anxiety at the thought on them, "Wait...Who could this grumpy snake ever love anyway?"

Oh no...They better not say...

"Ah mean, they have th' same family name as that Orochi wannabe that haniwa's apparenty friends with," the blonde points out, "If we're really gonna try somethin' like this...maybe they're related?"

"Hm...Now that you mention it...They do look pretty similar..."

Okay, that settles it. There's no way Yaorochi would ever do anything for them, but the mere thought of being seen held captive by these three aggravated them too much to wanna deal with them for much longer.

So they finally quit feigning weakness and poured their magic into the ofuda binding their wrists together. Such could easily hold a youkai under 500 years old, but they'd never hold any over, much less one a couple thousands like them.

Saragimaru rubbed their now raw wrists together as they stood up, what remained of their bonds falling to the ground like paper left out in the rain. The idiots are staring in wide-eyed horror at them.

"Welp, that was a profound waste of my time. Now unless you three have a death wish, I'd advise you just let me go before I call a terrible storm down on all of your heads."

"Ah warned you idiots!"

"Do-Don't worry!" The Fujiwara whimpers, holding their hands up, "We beat them once, we can do it again, right?"

"Yeah! This lowly snake is no match for our combined might!" The moronic excuse for an emperor boldly declares, swinging their club down.

And perhaps, were this any other day, that'd be true. But Saragimaru has no patience or mercy for fools who'd dare threaten not only Yaorochi, but their own (mostly) peaceful way of life. They have no desire to play fair anymore, so they're not going to.

Saragimaru clenches their hands around their naginata, the twits not even bothering to put it further than against a wall, eyes cold with fury, "Very well then. Prepare to be mowed down!"

And so they were. How those fools could ever think they could hold someone like them is beyond them.

"It's pretty rude to kidnap people, you know."

"We need your help."

"Doing a real bad job of convincing me to give it so far."

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #220

When was the last time you were bitten by an animal? What kind of animal was it? My cat, but not aggressively.

When was the last time you had sex/did something sexual? How was it? Slightly over a week ago, fine. I was having anxiety issues and I was totally fine afterwards so that was nice lmao

When was the last time you did something illegal? What did you do? Pirated music semi-recently.

What was the last colour you dyed your hair? It's a pastel lilac right now!

Tell me about the first five photos you have on your phone or camera. You mean like... the five I see first/the five most recent? I downloaded two nature-related wallpapers a few days ago, then there's two pictures of me with my new hair, then one from the Pride event.

Who was the last person you know to have something big happen to them (i.e., get engaged/married, have a baby, etc.)? My acquaintance Ian got engaged.

Is there anybody over the age of 40 that you think is hot? heh

Have you ever been punched in the face? No.

Do you have to watch yourself in the mirror while you brush your teeth? No, I pace.

Do you think your last ex deserves to die? No, I may not like her, but I don't think she deserves death.

How’s the love life going? Great.

Do you think the last person you Facebook messaged is a virgin? She has a child, no.

Have you ever been cheated on, or had a guy move on extremely fast after a long, seemingly sincere relationship? Yes to the latter.

Have you ever had someone drag his or her nails down your back? well a survey ain't asked that before, but yes

If you’ve been hurt in a past relationship, are you more jaded this time around? Of course.

[TW: ABUSE] Have you ever been in a physically abusive relationship? No, this is NOT something I would tolerate under any circumstance. I'm out.

Have you ever felt more like you needed someone, and less like you loved that person? No.

Is there any habit, attachment, or addiction that you feel you have beaten or risen above? World of Warcraft. I still play it a lot, but by god it's nothing like I was when Jason and I dated/maybe a year and some change afterwards. In my waking hours, it's all I did. There was nothing more fun to do, in my opinion. I would turn down better things to do because I wanted to play it. I consider myself very lucky that I fell out of it because of money (it's not free to play, although it later implemented an in-game currency way of paying, which I use now), and I was without it for at LEAST a year, I think more. When I started playing again, I was never quite the same about it, and today, I find it way less engaging and tend to only have fun for short bursts of time in it. Even though I have the game open a lot and may tab in to do stuff, my relationship with it is nothing like it once was. I've gone on breaks by my own will when I just stop having fun.

Have you ever lived with a friend? Yes, technically, because I was homeless at the time. I wasn't actually an official resident though, and I only stayed a couple months while my mom secured a home.

Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? This isn't exactly the case, no. I only dated Tyler because he wanted to; I wasn't particularly interested, but I decided to give him a shot. We were friends in high school and I thought he was a fine guy then, so I figured why not. I never really reciprocated the liking, though. I was just trying things out.

Do you think people act weirder or that stranger things happen when there's a full moon? No.

Do you think you would make a good parent someday? No, and that's why I won't be one.

In which were you happiest: elementary, middle, or high school? Elementary.

Have you ever written something on a street sign? No.

Life is nothing without passion. What are you passions? Animals, nature, proper education on them and their conservation; human rights and autonomy; and photography, among other things.

How's the weather lately? It's too hot and not enough rain. We're in a bad drought; we've only gotten one rather short, mild thunderstorm as of a few nights ago.

You can bring back one dead pet to life. Which one? REALISTICALLY, I wouldn't do this. I don't want to experience a pet's death a second time. But for the sake of the question, so long as he wasn't dealing with what he was at his time of death, Teddy, my dog. He was my pet of all time.

Is there a pillowcase on your pillow? Describe it: Yeah, it's just a basic beige one.

School: what classes are you taking at the moment? I'm not in school anymore. I don't think I'll ever be going back.

What scent is your deodorant? You know what, I have no idea. It's just Secret.

Are you happy with what you see when you look in the mirror? Nope.

Does it get super hot in the summer where you live? Yes it does, and it keeps getting worse. Global warming, y'know.

Would you ever date someone of the same sex? I've done it before and I'd do it again.

If you HAD to be raised by another family member than you were, who? Um... probably my mom's actually sane brother and his wife. They're good people.

Are you close with you best friends' parents? Do you know them very well? I'd say we're close, and I feel I know her relatively well.

Do you like reptiles as pets, or do they gross you out? Reptiles are my ideal pet, actually.

What is the youngest age you would consider dating somebody? Maybe like... 22. But that's still pretty low for me, I'd have to really, really like you.

Favorite type of seafood? Shrimp is the only seafood I've found I like.

Are you more traditional or progressive? Progressive as fuck.

Are you into the occult? Aesthetically, totally. But as far as faith and stuff goes, no.

How long was your longest relationship? Three and a half years. Girt's catching up, we're pushing three. Got a good feeling we'll pass that.

Did you ever honestly believe you were going to marry your highschool bf/gf? Oh, I was entirely and utterly convinced that this was fact. It was GOING to happen. It didn't, and my life nearly ended because I couldn't cope with that.

Are you a virgin? Do you believe virginity is "sacred?" Yes, no.

Would you say that you have a lot of friends? No.

Are both your parents alive? Yes.

Were you raised by your biological parents? Yes. My dad didn't do much raising, but.

Has your family ever been broken? Oh for sure. It still kinda is.

Do you think your parents respect your space? Yes.

Are you close with you siblings, if you have any? No. I wish I was...

Have you ever in anger told your parent(s) that you hated them? Oh, I absolutely have to my dad. Maybe not those words exactly, but trust me, the message was clear. I will always regret that letter.

What’s your favourite Thai dish? I don't know Thai food. I haven't knowingly tried anything from it.

Have you ever been on a date with someone you met online? How was it? I straight-up dated someone I met online for I think over two years. We were fine. We each just had too much going on mentally to keep each other afloat in the way couples should.

What sort of games do you like to play? Horror, fantasy, so long as the stories are great and the gameplay is fun.

What was the last candy you ate? I can't even remember.

Do you know anyone who is deaf? No.

Do you eat or drink as soon as you wake up, or do you wait a while? I get plain water, yes. I have to take my thyroid medication, then 30 minutes later, I can have flavored drinks and eat.

What's your favourite kind of Oreo? Double-stuffed.

Do you play any games on your phone? If so, tell me about one. Pokemon GO everyone knows, but I also like Dragons of Atlantis: Heirs of the Dragon. I liked DoA when it was an online computer game, and I enjoyed that more, but the app version is fine.

Do you have more male or female coworkers? I don't have a job.

What's the longest stretch of time you've spent completely alone? Somewhere around a month, when Mom was in New York while her mother was dying. I was very lucky I had some sort of video hyperfixation going on at the time, because otherwise that long alone would've driven me fucking mad. Mom herself was surprised I was fine the whole time.

Do you have the same color eyes as your mother? No, hers are brown and mine are a grayish blue.

Have you ever been put to sleep for surgery? Yes, and for a colonoscopy.

When was the last time you went bowling? I don't think I've been bowling since Girt and I tried dating the first time in like '17 and he took me there on a date.

Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? I know multiple transgender people.

Do you have piercings anywhere except your ears? How many and where? I have a vertical labret in my bottom lip.

What’s your opinion on leggings as pants? I don't give a shit.

Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? The person I'm dating currently.

Do you have a secret life? You could say that, I guess. I keep my online life under lock and fucking key, for no real reason other than rejection-sensitive dysphoria; I'm terrified of people judging me despite me not doing anything truly "out there." It drove my mom insane growing up, she was so convinced I was doing something immoral with how secretive I was and it resulted in a lot of fights, but I think she gets it now, especially as I've become more aware about my autism and open about how mortifying the concept of people judging me is. I've talked more about the topic.

Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes.

Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No.

Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? Chocolate.

If you had to get a piercing right now, what would it be? Nostril stud. I want one, it's just not something we can afford right now. There are more important things that need monetary attention.

The last time you held a baby: Not since Emerson (my four-year-old niece) was just born.

Does your mom eat meat? Yes.

What would be your reaction if one of your parents said they were having another kid? My mom doesn't have her reproductive organs anymore. My dad is married to a woman who has absolutely gone through menopause. Neither are having anymore kids.

How do you feel about snails? I think they're adorable.

Are you physically affectionate with your friends? I'm a hugger, but that's pretty much the extent of it. I guess I'd kiss the cheeks of ones I'm exceptionally close to as a gesture of comfort, but idk.

Do you kill spiders when you see them? Absolutely not. I will ignore them or most often take them outside.

Would you ever adopt a child? Girt would like to adopt a teenager when we're a lot older, so I guess. I'd PREFER not to, but I'd take a teenager over an actual baby that I needed to more intensely "mom" over, if that makes sense. I might very well change my mind about it by then, maybe I'll thoroughly want to adopt too.

Do you like your name's meaning? No, it's boring.

Do you and your mom look like sisters? No. We look similar, sure, but definitely not like sisters. Her eldest child ABSOLUTELY does, like it's fucking scary how much Mom and Katie look like twins, excluding the apparent age difference.

Are you the same height as your mom? I think she's half an inch taller than me.

What subjects do you like to read about? Meerkats, reptiles (especially ball pythons/their care in domesticity), spiders, photography techniques and stuff.

Are there any (obviously fictional) villains you can't help but love? Darkiplier, but I mean, if you know the universe Mark created with his characters, is he REALLY even a villain lmao. Besides that though, tbh I tend to enjoy villains a lot, so. I just think they tend to be more interesting and Hot goddammit

Can you name a villain who you could kind of side with? ^

What color eyes does your significant other (or crush) have? (If applicable.) Brown.

Does anything around your home need repairing? Well, the car more than anything. It's been dead in the driveway. A couple of the wood pillars that hold our front porch up need some TLC too; the paint is super worn and one especially has a portion that looks like it was eaten at by termites, even though we don't see any, and it's been like that for years now, so if something WAS actively eating it, it'd be down by now. The dishwasher leaks at one corner, but not severely; Mom just places a towel there when it's on.

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

1/11/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Job 29 - 31

Welcome to the Daily Audio Bible Chronological, I'm China. Today is the 11th day of January, welcome. I hope you are feeling well. I still have this cold going strong man. I'm ready for it to be over. It's time to get out of here, but I hope you are well and you are having a great week getting settled into this new year. Curious, like are your Christmas decorations still up or did you take him down? My husband Ben, he had time off from Christmas to New Year's. We had like a full week off and as soon as we traveled to go see his family after Christmas and so once we got back, I was like, take it all down. I'm ready for my house to be clean and for the stuff that gets moved around for the Christmas decorations to go back in its place. And the ours has been taken down for quite some time, but yeah. And now here we are. We're in Nashville and middle Tennessee. This is now the time of like, oh, it's raining. No, I think that's snow. No, it's raining. Is that is that snow? Is it going to snow? Oh, no, there's going to thunderstorm. Okay, now it may be 60 degrees. Next week it's going to be 30 degrees. And then probably in two weeks we'll probably have an ice snow storm. And that's how it's been my whole life. Like January and February, late January. February is like when we get our ice and our snow. Don't love it. Not super big fan, but those days where we get like 60 degree days and the sun is out, I'm outside barefoot and I'm in short sleeves trying to soak up all the sunshine. But I think now we're in the rainy season. I don't know, even if I was a meteorologist, it would still take me by surprise. I don't know. I never studied weather a day in my life. But anyways, here we are. Hope you're having a great day, great week, great weather, and if not, that's okay too. Glad you're here. When it's come around the global campfire together and read the word of the Lord. We're continuing on in Job 29 through 31, and we are in the New International Version this week.

Commentary

I think if I'm understanding Job correctly today he's saying if I had done all these things that were wicked or things that deserved this punishment, then I could understand why I would be in this place. But I didn't do these things. So I'm confused why I'm in this place. And I wonder maybe if you can relate to that, where you felt like I've done all these good things. I served here, I've shown up faithfully here, I've given this, I've followed that, I've done all the things that were good that make me a good person or that I really felt like the Lord was leading me to. And now I'm in the situation that really stinks. And I'm calling out to the Lord, but I don't hear him. I'm asking Him to save me, but I don't feel saved. I'm trying to do all these things, and yet here I am. Like, what do I do that's the right thing to get God to move? Or how do I pray the right things so that this desperation will flee me? Or how do I maneuver through this depression? Or how do I get out of this anxiety? I wish I had the right words to say that would comfort you, because I'm not sure that I do. But what I do know is that if you find yourself in the story, that's okay. That means you're human and somebody else long before you also felt these things. And if nothing else, know that you're not alone. And sometimes hearing that doesn't always comfort me. Sometimes it does. And I think, too, maybe you've never read through the story of Job before, so I won't give you the ending of it, but I know that we're not at the end of the story of Job right now, and you're not at the end of the story that you're walking through right now. And I just want to say I'm sorry. That really sucks, but it's really hard what you're going through, and I couldn't imagine that. And I'm sure you didn't imagine it to go this way either. And I know that the Lord is for you. I know that he hears you. I know that he has not forgotten you and he's not overlooked you. I also know that he cares for you and he loves you. I don't always know the Lord's timing. I don't always understand it. Sometimes I'm having to remind myself it's not my timing, the Lord's timing. And I don't even super fully know what that means all the time. But I have to trust, and I have to bow myself low and humble myself and trust that, okay, God, you are sovereign, I'm not. You are holy. I'm not. You are perfect in all of your ways, and I'm not. You're the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. And if that's the truth, then I'm going to be okay. And so I don't know the right words to say to you again. We have some friends of Job's or some men surrounded around him that I feel like had good intentions or maybe some didn't. I'm not really sure. I don't have a look into their hearts. But some things were helpful and some things weren't. And if you have things that are being said that are unhelpful, I'm sorry for that too. That really sucks. And sometimes I wish people wouldn't speak. They would just be there. But I know that people are trying and they don't always know what to say, and so out of nervousness, they just speak. But I just want you to know you're not alone, you're not forgotten, and you're not going under. You're not drowning, even though it feels like it. That's something that I really, really felt after I had my daughter, Reagan. Maybe if you're new here, you haven't heard this, but I had really bad postpartum anxiety with my daughter, and I constantly felt like I was drowning, like I was just taking on so much water. And I went to church one Sunday, which is pretty rare. I didn't really like to leave the house, especially to go to church, because it just interfered with. Is she going to sleep? Is she going to want to eat? I don't know how I'm going to handle all this. And so I remember one Sunday I went and someone had pulled me aside, and they were just like, hey, you've really been in my heart, really been praying for you. And I just broke down. Because I was like, that means a lot. But I also must be really bad if the Lord is putting me on other people's hearts. And she had prayed over me, and she was like, I just keep hearing the Lord say, like, you're not going down. You're not going under. And I was like, and she has no idea. She has no idea that this whole week I felt like I've been drowning. And I just like, wept probably the hardest that I've ever sobbed. And I'm pretty sure I held up the service. My pastor came over and started praying over me as well. But it was a really sweet and holy moment where I felt like I really had people that cared for me's attention, but I also had the Lord's attention, and he was speaking over me. I have you. You're not going down. You're not going under. And those words forever hold me in a steady place because they're from the Lord, and that's the truth. And so, yeah, I don't know. I feel like there's a lot of people who may need to hear this today, but if not, and if it's just one, then great. This is for you. This is from the Lord. You are not going down. You're not going under. The Lord, his hand isn't short. Nothing is too far out of his reach, and his hand is not short. He absolutely has the ability, the willingness, the desire to reach down and to save us as he again and again and again will and has always done. So I don't have much more to say, and I don't really know how to tie this up, but maybe just enter into a time with the Lord where you have all distractions put away, put aside. Just have a moment with the Lord and ask Him to speak over you and to speak into whatever it is that you're feeling. And maybe if this is not you and you're not relating to this, maybe ask for, is there someone in my community that really needs something that where I could be a vessel and to really bless someone. That's all for today. I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer Line

Hey, DABC family. My name is Valerie and this is my first time calling the prayer line. I just want to take this time to lift Debbie up in prayer. Debbie, I pray that you find comfort and strength in your growing relationship with God and that you experience a safe and healthy pregnancy. When you poured your heart out to us, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I feel as though I can relate to you in many ways. I am also 22 years old, and all the way up to this point in my life, I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and isolation. I have no friends outside of family and I experienced suicidal ideation during the holidays as well as throughout most of last year after trying three different medications unsuccessfully. I want to share this with you because I want you to know that you're not alone and that you're worthy of love. I love you, God loves you, and you are loved by this entire community. Sometimes God sets us apart from others to work in us, spend time with us and sanctify our hearts. I believe that this season in your life is a part of your story and your calling, that God strengthened you in the darkness. And without that darkness, there is no place for light to shine. He sees how bright your light is from within and is cultivating your testimony in this time so that you may be a blessing to others in the same ways that you have been blessed. I pray that you take some time to soak your mind and your heart in Psalm 23 and Psalm 139. I love you, sister in Christ. You are in my prayers day and night. Amen.

Good evening. The DABC Family this is Rachel from the UK. I'm just ringing a response to Debbie's prayer request. Debbie from Washington. Oh, I just want you to know, Debbie, that I see you, I hear you and I love you. And I'm going to stand shoulder to shoulder with you on this. I to deal with agoraphobia daily and depression and self loathing. At 49, I still haven't worked out how to like myself. But last year during the DABC, God broke through all of that and showed me his love and how much he loves me. And you know, Debbie, God created you because he loves you. He didn't only create you, he created you intentionally. He created you for purpose. He created you to be his child because he loves you. You are here because you are meant to be here and you have so much to give. And right now, in this horrible, dark and painful place that you are in, I just pray, Heavenly Father, that you are able to reach into this space and just show Debbie how much you love her, how much she is valued, how much she is needed, and how it will not always be this way. I love you, Debbie. I will be praying constantly for you. Huge hooks. Take care.

Hello, DAB family. My name is Tamika Griffin and I am new to this study and I'm enjoying immensely thus far. I was calling in for prayer for myself. I need a kidney transplant and I am dressing and believing God for a living donor. I am from Charlotte, North Carolina, and I've been on dialysis now it will be three years in July and I'm ready to be delivered from dialysis. I also want to pray for a young lady who called from Washington State. I don't remember her name, but she's 22 years old, she's pregnant, she just moved from California to Washington State. She's dealing with depression and she said she tried to kill herself on Christmas Day and she's afraid to go outside. But she does have a supportive partner. So I'm praying that God will deliver her and she gets the help that she needs so that she will be healthy mentally and physically for her baby that she will be having. I really am trusting and praying God for her to live her as I heard the sadness in her voice. And again, my name is Tamika Griffin from Charlotte, North Carolina, and I'm praying for a kidney very soon from a living donor and praying for the young lady in Seattle, Washington who's dealing with depression. Thank you so much for this beautiful program. My cousin introduced me to it and I love it. Look forward to hearing more tomorrow. Thank you.

Good day. Royalty. This is Tulanendaba from Johannesburg in South Africa. This episode absolutely amazing. Thank you very much for the mother and daughter who came up with this idea and who are serving us in this really awesome way, exposing us to the whole Bible within a year. For many years now, I've been struggling with reading the Bible consistently and I found that this is really one of the best ways for me to engage with the Bible in a really practical way and on a daily basis and chronologically like, it's really amazing. I'm super grateful for you guys and I really pray that God may enlarge your territory. I pray for everyone in this group or on this app for you guys to be consistent, for God to help you to understand, for God to help you to apply everything that you are learning through this exposure to the word of God and that you may be given the ability to spread the gospel as well. Tiny prayer request. I have applied for a couple of universities, for universities to be exact, and some of them have rejected me. Only one of them has accepted me for a course. So please just pray for God's favor upon my life, for me to get acceptance I'll be studying either pharmacy or bio kinetics, and I really, really love those courses, and I really pray that God may help me to get in. But yeah, grace and peace for him. I love you very much.

[00:17:30.990] - Speaker 6

Hello, DABC family. My name is Yolanda. I'm calling in for prayer for my family. We just recently had the loss of my beloved niece Maya, and this one has really rocked my family to the core, because just seven short months ago, we buried her grandmother, my mother. I'm just asking for prayer for healing, stress, comfort and restoration for my family. Thank you.