#that didnt require this much brain capacity

[pikachupapi]

i cant believe i chose this life for myself

[spaciebabie]

Haven’t read ur stuff but I’m sure it’s good

I get the ignored part lol, I posted a shit ton of crap bout forever fate and still like 5 people liked it Everytime— was still fun to write ofc

until I gave up on it cause if stress…. Uhh forget abt that part-

anyways I’m sure your stuff is great (tho idk if I’ll read it till later cuz I’m stuck in Solar lunacy chapter 2 after like a month and I’m vowing to read to the most current chapter)

oh thank you!

i have a lot of imposter syndrome surrounding my own writing like 2 the point that im too scared 2 post anything i make ^^;

like i dont even share my writing or ocs or things i come up with with any of my friends cuz i value their input too much and am afraid they'll just like,,,,say its good when it really isnt (that and i feel like talking abt two at all ta anyone in any capacity is selfish idk brain weird)

its a feat in itself that i didnt just abandon two and am still working on it-

im glad i am tho! especially if i wanna improve my art in the way a comic requires

[lanaevyssmoved]

34, 38, 43, 45 for afhiri! 💕

34. How well do they deal with grief?

this is a difficult one because i dont know if theyve ever dealt with true grief .....trying to thonk.. i mean rather than experience grief afhiri will become immortal to never have to bury gale so one must assume it wouldn't be dealt with very well. but also does afhiri have the mental capacity to truly understand the complexity of grief and how to navigate it at all? would they just be sad and not really understand and just live with that until they don't? afhiri has never experienced the deaths most do in order to learn of grief as a concept. no grandparents to mourn, no pet deaths, and nothing happens in game that could trigger that in afhiri ...... after much deliberation i've come to the conclusion that afhiri does not understand the feeling, does not know the word for it (has to be taught), and deals with it in a very child like way. they understand it hurts, they don't like it, they want it to stop and they don't understand why this person, or pet, is gone, and just wants them to come back. very, why did you leave me . haha .. hurt myself now damn YOOUUU

38. What are their dreams like? Do they have any recurring dreams/nightmares?

ignoring the tadpole/guardian related dreams..... they absolutely have recurring nightmares of the moment in act 2 with the heart of the absolute where gale is intent on dying. see afhiri is intent on dying with him but has this nagging feeling that they could just decide to live, actually. wouldnt that be so much nicer? and i can see them repeating that moment in their head with the result of gale deciding that being alive together isnt enough and they need to die. haha this kind of falls in line with the other question doesnt it ahaha........ afhiri has grief inspired nightmares over a possibility that never actually occurred.

in General though we must accept that afhiri has the type of dreams we assume dogs to have. oh look, she's running! she's running in her sleep! is she.. chewing in her sleep ?? oh you know....very simple very happy having a good time doing her favourite things!!!! (playing the flute, hanging out with her friends, holding gales hand!!! etc etc )

43. Can they handle stressful situations?

oh yes, with incredible efficiency. (does not know theyre stressful) THIS IS A HALF JOKE. they handle many many many of the stressful situations in game extremely well because they are acting the entire time its all a performance they are doing a bit they are clownin on you right now and if anything stressful happens it washes over them because a clown can't get stressed in the middle of the bit, be a pretty terrible clown if that happened (still a terrible clown though)

however if its a serious (to afhiri) stressful situation like. boyfriend blow up time, afhiri is the type to look at their loved ones for help. how on earth can someone who can't string two thoughts together figure out the correct way to handle a situation that actually requires two thoughts. thats stressful man. someone please approach the stage and take this clowns hand. wheres their assistant !!!

it really comes down to how personally important they are to afhiri. this also means most of the games events are not personally important to afhiri and i still dont know why they let them lead???

45. Do they plan in advance or just wing it?

gotta admit i snorted thinking about this LSKDJFS

this baby hasn't planned in advance for a single thing in their Entire life i don't think their brain has the capabilities i think attempting it would cause a headache!! they act. they act . they do. they charge head first into thing and no matter the outcome its fine because thats clearly how things were gonna be anyway!! what do u mean u could think on something first and come to a different conclusion and things may be different?? no ???? their decisions in the game? made in the moment. they didnt think about what theyll do when they reach X point. the choice was made then and there immediately upon hearing the question ! this clown a free spirit through and though.. free spirits don't plan!

[outdatedsymphony]

Hello, anti endogenic here (though honestly I don't care enough to post about it often). I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear about how I think as an anti endo without being yelled at or berated because I dont think people deserve to be harrassed for opinions.

I dont necessarily like to call myself anti endo, as I am not against individual people or systems. And I do believe the vast majority of endogenics are systems.

Here's why I believe you need childhood trauma to become a system.

So on your first point, you addressed that not every disorder is caused by trauma. Which is true. Very few disorders in the dsm are distinctly traumagenic. Autism for example, as you brought up, is neurodevelopmental. Meaning it is distinct in how it changes general brain and social development in a child. Many disorders aren't necessarily environmental as they can be caused by anything from a chemical imbalance to just simple genetics.

So, to explain why dissociative disorders are considered traumagenic by many psychologists, we need to look at the theory of structural dissociation.

Essentially the belief in this theory, is due to the fact that PTSD, Complex PTSD, and BPD (which are all traumagenic in origin) have dissociative symptoms. Dissociation itself is just a mental distance from ones self or surroundings. Essentially because these disorders have dissociative symptoms it led many to believe that it is a continuum of dissociation.

DID is a severe dissociative disorder in that because of its amnesia symptom it requires a complete disconnect from who you were during the event you forgot vs you now. Because of how severe it is, via the theory it would have to be caused by a very severe trauma that was so bad to someone that it caused them to believe they were someone else and forget it to get away from it. It is very much a survival technique.

Now onto your second point, externally there isnt much difference between how an endogenic system may present and a traumagenic system.

Someone whom is traumagenic though would have an entirely different internal structure to that of an endogenic system, because of trauma. I can't speak on what an endogenic structure would be like, as I am not. However I can tell you, that in traumagenic systems, every alter exists for a purpose. To fulfill a role for the system, protectors are to protect the system from suffering more trauma. Trauma holders to, well, hold the memories or emotions of childhood trauma. Littles to keep that sense of childhood we didnt get alive. So on and so forth, every single alter has a purpose, some trauma related, some not like academic alters to handle school work, or social alters to handle social events. An endogenic system, presumably wouldnt need a system to handle these things as they would have the capacity to do so on their own, being non disordered.

If an endogenic system has alters such as protectors, or littles, or trauma holders, persecutors, etc. Then that is potentially traumagenic. I personally hold the belief that many endogenic systems might have trauma that they are unaware of, because of the nature of the disorder. This is not an issue to me whether someone acknowledges it or doesnt, because it just means their brain is doing it's job.

DID causes someones brain to be completely different than that of a singlet because it is kind of, the trauma, stunting our development into one integrated person of sorts.

On the 3rd point, I believe they are real. They just either may be traumagenic or potentially mistaken and both are perfectly valid. I believe in self diagnosis and trans people not needing dysphoria.

The problem arises to me when we try to demedicalize DID. DID is a disorder that pretty much all people with it need extensive therapy to live and cope with. Being disordered means it causes distress and/or impairs functioning in some way. So those with DID seek out therapy to cope.

Systemhood is kind of, inherently disordered in a way, because living as multiple people, so to speak, with memory gaps can be distressing at times and impair social and occupational functioning.

For your fourth point, I'm sorry you went through that, this community is a hellscape for if you think even slightly differently than them. I personally believe everyone is deserving of respect regardless of their opinion (unless that opinion is directly harming you or others ofc.)

Anyways sorry this got so long I am, very autistic about psychology, but I hope that can clear things up a bit about my personal ideology and a few anti endo talking points. I hope you have a great day!

why do people think endogenic systems aren't real?

disclaimer: i am not a system nor am i part of one, and i am not able to speak for those who are. this is an opinion, and i would like constructive feedback on said opinion. i do not want hate mail or people screaming at me, i have had enough of that this week.

i do not get why people think endogenic systems aren't real. the argument i see most is that if it's not based on trauma (i.e. traumagenic) then it's not real, but i disagree.

firstly, many mental conditions can arise from non-traumatic experiences, and trauma is not a necessary catalyst for these things. i'm autistic, though i can't speak for others (because my support needs are very low) as a result of how i was raised, but not in a traumatic way. i've asked around a bit about this, and it seems that part can be agreed upon, in that mental conditions do not have to result from trauma.

secondly, i have not noticed any differences, aside from trauma or lack thereof, when speaking to those who are a system or part of a system. i cannot know what is going on in other people's heads, but i can look at how people generally act, and i do not notice any difference, though the sample size is low (about 5) so this could be coincidence. i might ask in passing conversation, "how does being a system work?" out of curiosity. they explain, and the explanations from traumagenic and endogenic systems, or members of said systems, are fairly uniform and don't seem to contrast very much, aside from individual mannerisms such as how it may present itself, which is bound to be subjective for any mental condition.

thirdly, i don't like the logic the argument as a whole operates on. if non-traumagenic systems aren't real, isn't that similar to the argument wherein people say non-dysphoric trans people aren't real, or that self-diagnosed neurodivergencies (e.g. autism, adhd, bpd, tourette's, dyslexia, and others as well, but i can't list a ton of them off the top of my head) aren't real. this is medical essentialist, or medicalist, logic, and it doesn't hold up very well under pressure. it frequently takes the form of when someone doesn't want to acknowledge that not everyone is like them, and most commonly presents itself in those who are bigoted in other ways, such as racism.

fourthly, when conversing about it, the reactions i get from either type of person are very different (sample size of about 40 here, so again, it's not entirely conclusive) if i ask someone who's anti-endogenic about it (what the point of the argument is, for instance), i am met with hostility and yelling, whilst if i ask someone who is pro-endogenic about it, i am met with straightforward explanations and my questions being answered. ultimately, it isn't one's duty to answer questions for others, but if one side of a debate refuses to answer questions and another is able to answer questions, then typically, the side refusing to answer questions is wrong. for example, flat-earthers will refuse to argue a lot of the time, and other times, they will mention various buzzphrases such as "water finds its level," and "density and buoyancy," which is a phenomenon i have noticed coming from some (but few) anti-endogenics.

that's what i've gathered from my observations, and i wanted to share this for the reason that i want to understand more, and particularly why some people think the things they do - in that they don't believe a particular group of people exists. to cap it off, i'll attach a poll below, asking what people think regarding this.

if you want to help the poll get more entries, then you can reblog this post or share it with friends. thank you for reading!

[yaoiplug]

so I've been hyperfixating on several things as of recent and safe to say i think it's making my brain rot ❤️

[compassionatereminders]

to contribute a random ask, heres a tale of some dumbassery /lh that occurred some months ago with me and my alter / headmate :D

i really hate art history so me and my headmate made a deal where he will always take front during art history bc he does not care and i get to avoid it, a win win situation!

except i forgot we had art history one day and put on my feminine lil outfit and halfway to the bus stop he shows up and is like "oh HELL no i am not fronting when we have that much makeup on"

so im like "alright! no problem ill take it off" and i spend 10 minutes during lunch wiping it all off, and then we find out i got stuck at front because we could not switch for the LIFE of me, and im just there, at school, MAKEUPLESS... so we try our best to do just anything at all to cause this lil switch so i can avoid art history and throughout the ENTIRE class just, nothing happens. the SECOND the class ends, we finally switch. AND THEN HE GOT STUCK AND HAD TO SIT THROUGH AN ENTIRE TWO HOUR PERIOD OF P.E. THAT WE DIDNT EVEN PARTICIPATE IN BUT COULDNT BE ON OUR PHONE

the deal has been off since then /lh

Oh my, what an unfortunate situation for both of you! Great example of how even the best of plans require your brain to cooperate in some capacity - which isn't always possible... 😂

[thekillerssluts]

My Relationship to Performance Has Changed

A great rock-and-roll show means openness, confrontation, and a kind of danger, and those ideas right now feel too heavy to lift.

Last October, before the second pandemic wave took off in New York City, I had one last band practice in my backyard in South Brooklyn. Five of us were working on songs from my new solo record. Normally we’d play in the basement, but it’s pretty low-ceilinged, and we’d read Zeynep Tufekci’s recent Atlantic article on viral spread, so we were all hyper-focused on air circulation. My bandmate Sara had contracted COVID-19—and recovered—in March, but the rest of us had no immunity. Besides, we suspected that we were in for a long winter and might as well hang out outdoors.

It was warm in the sun. After hauling the drums, keyboards, keyboard stands, guitars, and amps outside and plugging everything in, I hadn’t wanted to bother setting up microphones, so we had to play softly to hear ourselves harmonize. When we paused for lunch, someone leaned out of a fourth-story window in the apartment building next door and yelled: “Are you done or are you just taking a break? I have things to do, but I really miss live music!” “Me too, man!” I called back. “Should be just a break.”

Six months and a difficult winter later, the break is ending. I’m seeing more and more Instagram posts for shows that aren’t just wishful thinking. Low-capacity indoor shows are popping up in New York. Outdoor—maybe even full-capacity indoor—concerts are coming this summer. Am I ready to play? Ask me every other day and the answer changes. I’m torn. I’m desperate for sound engineers to get back behind the board and bartenders to start earning tips. I want venues to thrive again, both as places for art in neighborhoods and for the sake of the network that keeps music culture alive in America. I want my booking agent to feel excited again; he loves music so much. And I want musicians to make a living. So many people have been so screwed by the past year. I guess I just want everyone to get paid.

But the actual performance; the rebuilding of the sonic cathedral, as Dave Grohl wrote last spring; communally reaching for rock-and-roll transcendance? I’m not there yet. I’m not concerned that I’ll get sick. I received my second vaccine shot at the end of March and am ready to high-five strangers on the subway. My hesitance has an element of crowd-shyness, which we’ll all get over. But in my own performance, I don’t know how to meet this moment. A great rock-and-roll show means openness, confrontation, and a kind of danger, and those ideas right now feel too heavy to lift.

I used to think of performance in purely aesthetic terms. In the movie La Strada, a clown wearing angel wings does a high-wire act across a crowded piazza. For his finale, he brings out a table on the wire and, while balancing, tries to sit and eat a full plate of spaghetti. The heroine of the movie watches him with an almost religious ecstasy. When I first started performing, I strove for transcendence and stupidity, high concept and low art. My focus was on keeping myself in the air.

When my band Arcade Fire was playing mostly to people who hadn’t heard us before, we felt that the best way to get them to open up was to blow the windows and doors out. At an early show in Lawrence, Kansas, my brother, Win, bashed Styrofoam tiles out of the venue’s ceiling with his mic stand. We pushed as hard for an audience of six people (two of them my parents) upstairs at AS220 in Providence, Rhode Island, as we did in front of tens of thousands in the desert at our first Coachella show (during which I accidentally cut Win’s guitar cable in half by repeatedly smashing a cymbal into the ground).

At a certain point, as people got to know our music, my relationship to performance changed. The energy from the crowd was greater than anything coming from the giant speaker stacks. The audience wasn’t a challenge to overcome, or an opponent to conquer. We became a team. Not in an abstract, lovey way but how a sports team operates—pushing one another to do better, sometimes failing, sometimes frustrating one another, sometimes just joking around.The high-wire act of live performance—Will the music come together?—was still there. I’ve even sometimes tried to make the metaphor real, climbing arena scaffolding with a drumstick in my teeth and a drum strapped over my shoulder to play 30 feet in the air. Some of our crew members hate it—“Will! You have children now!”—but climbing up there doesn’t actually feel that dangerous, and a little nervousness is good. I’m reaching for primate simplicity and catharsis: The crowd needs tension to experience release.But now I have no desire to make tension. I want people to feel safe and comfortable, and I wonder whether creating a feeling of danger and openness is antithetical to that. I know that cultivating a perception of safety and actually making people safe are different. On tour, in a big venue, every night our management and local security have a briefing. It’s partly to set a vibe—People are here for music. Everybody be chill. If some teenager sneaks into a closer section, please let them. But the briefing is also serious—where the medics are located, what the escape routes are. Most of the time, these safety measures are invisible. I worry that post-pandemic precautions, as welcome and necessary as they are, will be depressingly visible. Some elements, such as temperature checks, will be inane. Some, such as requiring vaccination, will be important. Regardless, they will also set a tone—not You are entering a place for music, but You are entering a secure location. Dancing is hard when you’re looking at your feet; singing is hard when you’re thinking about everybody else’s breath. I bet the crowd could get over this. I’m not confident I could. With limited capacities and tight procedures, I worry that the stage will feel like the VIP section of the VIP room at a members-only club. Sterile, lonely, all of us chillingly aware that we are part of a ticketed event.

I have another concern that’s hard to shake. After this pandemic year, I’m more aware of the responsibility I have not only to the people who buy tickets, but to the driver making deliveries to the show and to the family of the woman working arena concessions, people who really don’t care about what I’m doing onstage. Vaccination numbers will grow, and the pandemic will end, God willing. I’m not worried about the spread of the coronavirus in particular. But these links of responsibility remain. The analytical part of my brain turns off when touring starts. Before scrambling back to normalcy, I want to make sure that this sense of connection becomes embedded in how I think. I would really love to just be a musician—but I’m also an employer and a player in an industry that has chewed up and spit out plenty of people, especially in this past year.

My hesitations are all about shows, though, not music. Over the past year, I’ve rarely played music with others—a few practices and filmed performances; work on the new Arcade Fire record in November; a handful of Zooms with bandmates to help a school’s PTA fundraiser or support a candidate in the city-comptroller race. But in all of those instances, I’ve experienced an ease, a rightness to the communication—not through the screen with whoever was listening, necessarily, but the people I was playing with. That connection felt restorative, like having a night of deep sleep that repairs parts of yourself you don’t know how to access.

I know people are ready for live music, ready to forget themselves in a wash of sound, ready to loudly talk with their friends over the song they don’t like that much. And so, for heaven’s sake, go to Neumos in Seattle when shows come back. Go to the Hideout in Chicago. See your favorite band, or somebody new. Plenty of artists don’t share my nervousness. I don’t want to add worry to the world; I’m just figuring out my new relationship to performance.

The magnolias are out in New York, and some of the apple trees are blossoming. Temperatures are creeping past 60. The vaccines keep rolling out. The future seems more possible. If I miss an emotion from live shows, it’s not any moment of transcendence. I miss the time just after, when, dazed and excited, you still feel the reach of some universal gesture, but the only thing concrete is the people around you.

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/04/world-changed-what-makes-live-show-successful-didnt-arcade-fire/618625/

[sophocused]

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.

[lavellane]

5 + 10 for emeraude, 14 + 18 for effie, 19 + 24 for arylene and 30 through 45 for imogen bc i love her so much ? 😏😏😏

fdjkfjkfdk thank u SO much maia i absolutely Treasure You !

EMERAUDE HAWKE - DA2

What does your OC normally wear? What would your OC wear on a special night?

emeraudes fashion sense is probably my favourite out of all my ocs, so uh if u havent looked at her pinterest board yet u should do that bc its Very cute hehehe

anyway for the most part she sticks to dark, practical clothing whenever she's out and about in kirkwall or doing merc work, etc. she picks clothes that convey strength and power, but she likes having a little bit of colour somewhere on the piece, just to keep things interesting. she's not much of an embroider, but was a good way to keep herself distracted during hard times, so she tends to add little patterns here and there whenever she gets the chance!

as for special occasions, for her this would actually just be. a quiet night at home or a relaxed gathering with her friends. bc its so rare for her to have that lmao. anyway for events like that she usually wears light colours and soft fabrics, simple but always decorated with flowers or colourful patterns.

What does your OC keep in a special drawer?

she has a collection of gifts ! that kids from lowtown would give her over the years she spent in kirkwall. she's a very community based person and wants to do right for her city, and shes very nurturing (in an ironical, Cool Big Sister way) so she likes making sure all the kids are safe and being looked after. she gets a lot of trinkets and strange gifts from some of the kids as a result, but she does treasure them (even if she laughs about it with her friends) and keeps them all !

EFFIE RYDER - MEA

Who is the mother and/or father figure in your OC’s life?

effie's maternal rolemodel has always been her late mother, ellen. nobody could really fill that role in her eyes, since they had such a close, positive relationship before she passed. her relationship with her dad was a lot more strained and it really impacted a lot of her relationships later on in life too ! she tends to.... see an older man who is Vaguely Nice to her, and then think “ oh, youre my dad now?” which isnt fair to anybody obviously but yeah she,,,, has a lot of unresolved issues regarding alec and tends to unintentionally project so. We stan !

How many times did your OC move as a child? Which area was his/her favorite?

oh constantly lol. With her dad being an n7 and her mother working so hard on her research, they tended to move around wherever her parents work required. she actually enjoyed it this way. she was never good at making long term friends, but she lived meeting new people, and obviously with the move she got to experience a lot of different cultures which really put the idea of adventuring and travelling in her head at a young age.

ARYLENE TORR - TES IV

What does your OC think of children- either in general or about having them?

she likes them ! she tends to keep her distance with most communities and groups of people in particular, but she does like enjoys having the odd conversation with the odd street urchin here and there, either sharing with them some strange, ridiculous life advice or – if shes feeling particularly chaotic – telling them the scariest stories she can think of. as for having them, arylene isnt AGAINST the idea, but she has far too much for the foreseeable future for that to ever be a good idea

Who are the people your OC dislikes/hates?

outwardly, arylene is an almost unbearably easy going person, so you would assume she doesnt hate anyone lol. but she does DEEEPLY dislike cults and groups of ignorant people who are arrogant enough to start messing with the balance of life, or making deals with gods, etc. she believes that people like that can do an unbelievable amount of damage, so she invests a lot of time and effort it sabotaging any group or plot she happens to find !

 IMOGEN FOSTER - RDR2

Did your OC participate in extracurricular activities, and if so, what were they?

hmm idk if this even EXISTED in 19th century london lol, but she would have done some very tame version of girl scouts as a child! She barely remembers any of it, but she liked the classes on what plants did what, which were safe to eat, and the likes. its something that helps her a lot when on the run with the gang, and something shes always had a personal interest in, as a nurse !

other than that, she’s done a lot of independent study on history, classical literature, and she speaks fluent italian we stan !

What is your OC’s opinion of school? What kind of student was s/he?

imogen comes from a very wealthy aristocratic family, so she was very fortunate that her privilege afforded her the education she got at the time. she is VERY grateful to have attended the schools she did, and she made sure to make the most of it, paying attention in class and studying harder than most of her classmates. she's a smart girl with a very active mind, so knowledge is something she can't get enough of. she was actually petitioning the board of education to allow her to attend university before she left for america – already their had been women accepted into universities at that time, but obviously it was still a very scandalous thing lol, especially since imogen wanted to study medicine.

What subjects did your OC excel at?

imogen is a HUGE overachiever and did pretty well at basically everything from science, mathematics, language studies and later on, in her studies as a nurse. i can tell you what shes bad at though lmao

anything physical really dkdkdks she is TERRIBLE at horse-riding since she usually just went by carriage everywhere in the city. art and poetry and writing in general she was never great at, because she's a pretty logical person and was told she never put enough emotion in her work lol !!! sports...obviously was very limited anyway as growing up in like? the early 1870s lol. and as for the traditionally feminine lessons in like ?? sewing and cooking and stuff well ! she was very average at them which made her  feel worse than if she was actually bad bc she's so used to excelling and making a name for herself oof

What subjects interested your OC?

Imogen loves greek literature and mythology !! the iliad is her favourite book and she keeps her heavily annotated, dog eared copy – a gift from her late father – on her person almost constantly. needless to say its why dutch admires her as much as he does lol.

obviously, as a nurse-trying-to-be-a-doctor, she has a great love for medicine in all its forms. she's always been fascinated in natural remedies, and even moreso when she's running with the van der linde gang and is really relying on the land to survive.

What is your OC’s dream job and/or current profession?

hmm okay so. Technically she's a nurse – she worked in her father's hospital for almost 10 years prior to his death, and she was sort of his unofficial understudy, as in she knows a LOT more than her job description requires lol. but after her father past away, another, less progressive man took his place as chief of surgery and made a lot of changes to the way the hospital operated, and imogen was let go. she and her mother were fighting against it, however, under the ground of unfair dismissal, but obviously given the time period it didnt get them very far. so ! i mean technically she's unemployed rn. but she still has dreams of being a doctor, or at least continuing her career in medicine.

How is your OC working towards their dream job and/or achieved their current profession?

Oh VERY direct action up until she got disheartened and chose to take her sabbatical. she had been working in her role for nearly a decade, and was very obviously one of the most experienced nurses there. even younger doctors would sometimes ask her for her medical opinion dksksks anyway what i am saying is Brain Very Good. she had been fighting to gain admission into a university – any, she wasnt picky – to study medicine officially, but it didnt get very far and she put it on hold after her father got sick. after he died and she was laid off, she fought even harder against the city to reinstate her title, and continues to fight after she returns from america a year or so later.

What are your OC’s thoughts/opinions of his/her current profession?

helping people is her entire life, and she wouldn't know what to do without it. she loves being a nurse enough to fight to be a doctor, but also in BEING a nurse, she is hyperaware of all the things current medical standards seem to get wrong, and she has a lot of ideas about how else to go about things. her father, a shockingly progressive and worldly man for the time period, shared her sentiment, but he wasn't able to make the changes he wanted to before he passed, so imogen hopes she can be the change herself, and make her father proud

What is your OC’s biggest dream?

being a licenced doctor, babey ! preferably at her father's hospital, but at the point she will take what she can get.

How does your OC react to and handle stress?

imogen  handles stress very well , which is partially why she makes such a good medic, and also how she managed to survive the first week of being with the van der linde gang lmao. she is very good at shutting out EVERY distraction when things get dicey, and her brain tends to move at a million miles an hour. all traces of english etiquette and politeness go out the window, though, so you'll usually catch her barking orders at people, and yelling at anyone who prevents her from doing the work she needs to do. it.....is a big wake up call for people like dutch and micah, and gets her into a LOT of trouble on multiple occasions.

How does your OC handle anger?

ooo......not great. she’s grown up with parents who maybe encouraged her to speak her mind a bit....TOO much given the historical circumstances lol. she really doesn’t stand for ignorance or prejudices in any capacity, and if she has a problem with someone and it gets in the way of her trying to do her work or help others - she will ABSOLUTELY be having words. she also overestimates her own strength quite a lot. she’s tried to throw hands with micah MANY times, often forgetting she’s this tiny 70kg englishwoman and he’s .... Him sdjkdcjkf. she has a big mouth too so she often says snide remarks without even meaning too, which tends to get her in trouble as well. on the bright side, it also helps her fit in with the gang quite well, because for the most part they all appreciate how wild she is lmao

How does your OC handle grief?

hmm i guess it depends on what you would class as “well”? she doesnt cry very often - being stoic and handling your emotions is important when your a nurse - but she does tend to shove her feelings down far longer than she should, and tries to pretend they don’t exist by simply focusing on other things. she also blames herself when a lot of things go wrong, because she’s a perfectionist and wants to FIX everything, so when she finds something - or someone - she can’t save, it feels like a personal failure. like she let them down :(

What is your OC’s greatest fear?

probably being trapped in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage with someone who undervalues her. she’s not much of a homebody and doesn’t have too much of an interest in being married, but the idea of feeling FORCED to marry someone in order to have a decent quality of life makes her blood run cold oof

What makes your OC happy?

helping people ! meeting new folks ! learning about other cultures and ways of life! learning about NEW THINGS in general ! proving people wrong ! insulting micah !

as tough and high-and-mighty as she sometimes seems, she’s a pretty easy person to please, honestly. treat her with respect, give her space to do the things she wants to do, and don’t get in the way of her opportunities to learn new things, and she’s mostly very happy !

What kind of sense of humor does your OC have?

she has a fairly macabre and sardonic sense of humour, something she picked up from her mother. she says a lot of Shocking things for the time period, and she’s not shy of dirty jokes either. the first time sean heard her, a soft, well spoken english Lady, make some filthy, crude joke, he nearly had a stroke right there on the spot kjkjkfdjkf

What are some things that greatly upset your OC?

senseless violence, suffering or cruelty. she really hated the gang at first and hoped to escape the first chance she got, because all she could see was the crime and disregard for human life she assumed they all held. fortunately, as she got to know them, she realized this wasn’t exactly the case, but she still has a lot of anger in her heart for a few key members of the gang who seem to enjoy bloodshed more than anything. she also hates any form of social prejudice, and people who gatekeep knowledge and opportunities from others.

What are some things that annoy your OC?

i guess all of the above, but she also dislikes misplaced arrogance, and people who talk down to others. she tolerates dutch, but often gets frustrated with the way he speaks, using as many big words as he can to manipulate and confuse others. she believes that really intelligence doesn’t require obscure jargon and big, fancy words - she likes keeping things simple, so everybody can follow along.

[casuallyblogs]

On a separate note, I made my mom cry tonight. We had this lovely weekend together. Sang, laughed, shared stories, drove a mustang, tasted some wine, had some good grub, toured some familiar and new spots. Overall really great. The minute we get home, she pours herself this huge glass of wine. She’s tipsy after it and two cocktails later she’s teetering between tipsy and drunk

That version of my mom is by far my least favorite person. She’s over the top obnoxious and there’s no reasoning with her. Did that stop me from trying to reason with her? No. Stupid.

She neglected to remind me that a baking project needed to be completed tonight so she could take it to work tomorrow. Like a toddler telling their parent about a project the night before, she told me this at 9:40 pm. She wanted cake pops, which require freezing in between each step to help keep everything together. To get everything done right and to improve upon the last time I made them, I knew this process was going to be long. And I knew she wanted to help because she could tell I wasn’t jazzed about now staying up late to finish it.

If she wasn’t drunk, I think her helping would’ve been fine. If her being drunk wasn’t such a big trigger for me, if I knew how to let her be and not be angry, I think we would’ve been fine. Instead, I called her in to help on a step that was simple and would have been insulting to her intelligence if she was sober. That’s my fault. There was no need for her help. After our fight she left and I did it fine all by myself. There was really no need to ask for help. But I invited a trigger in my space and then I didn’t have the ability to keep myself in check.

I told her “I’m gonna dip the stick in chocolate and hand it to you.” The next part was to the effect of don’t put it down right away because it’ll dry weird. I hand her one and she holds it for a second, then smushed it down on the parchment paper. The chocolate spreads out just like I didn’t want. I stop her and say something like “They can’t smoosh like that. You gotta hold ‘em longer so they don’t spread too much.” Then she starts with the I don’t understands and the you never said that’s how you want its. I’m immediately frustrated because something didn’t go like I planned, but also, if her brain wasn’t so slowed down, I don’t think we would be having that problem. And she’s telling me that I didn’t say the things that I know I said.

She tells me all the time that i can say what I need to say. We had a conversation once where I said I get so frustrated when you’re drunk and you ask me over and over “am I bothering you, am I making you upset, what am I doing that’s bothering you” all under the guise of trying to grow and not do that stuff anymore. I told her then, though, that when she’s drunk, she does not have the capacity to remember the things that are hurting me or stressing me out. So she said to address the situation and we’ll circle back to it the best we can. So tonight. She’s stressing me the fuck out. I can feel the frustration boiling into anger and I say, “can I be real? I think you’re a little too tipsy to take directions right now. And I don’t want to continue down this path and be angry over cake pops. I asked you for help with this part but I think I’ll be able to do it by myself. Please leave my kitchen and I’ll finish up these pops for you”

She agrees that she’s probably tipsy and then she’s like can I say something? And I go yeah sure. She’s like you didnt specify the directions. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I don’t understand what you want because you didn’t tell me. And I KNOW that I did so then I say “mom I did. I said (read above paragraph) and then two days ago I said that my overall plan was to get the chocolate on the stick before poking the pops and I said that again last week after I finished the first cake pop experiment” she goes can I say something else remember how we talked about how you get upset when things don’t go according to plan you’re getting upset but I don’t understand what you want so I can’t help and it messes up your plans.

I can’t fucking believe that we’re still trying to have a logical conversation when SHE AGREED EARLIER THAT SHE PROBABLY IS TOO TIPSY. Stress and frustration heighten, and I feel like I’m going to explode. I have no way to control it and she didn’t leave earlier when I asked so I feel trapped with my emotions. Tears well up and I raise my voice I know I said “I’m so frustrated.” And then the memory is fuzzy. I know I said something about how stupid it was that tears were happening. I know I was totally losing control to the emotion monster. She asks what can I do and I say, because I’m at the height of my stress and frustration “please just leave me alone leave me alone to do this please”

She picks up her phone and leaves. Immediately the stress and frustration are gone. I no longer feel trapped. I feel stupidly embarrassed because my sister was there to see that whole thing And me being so childish. Sister gets up to leave and then it’s just me in the kitchen. A few minutes later I’m in the front room waiting for a cooling break to be done when I hear squeaks. Coming from down the hall.

My mom doesn’t cry often. Usually she cries after alcohol, and they’re big waterworks moments. Squeaking and distorted faces, the whole nine yards. No one taught her how to regulate emotions either. So I hear her crying from the living room. I creep down the hall to make sure it is her crying and not our dog stuck somewhere. And I think I hear my sister talking to her. So now I feel terrible for not being able to control my emotion monster and hurting my moms feelings. But I’m also angry that she “gets to” be the victim in this story.

I really wish I had a therapist to give me clarity on what the fuck happened. And what I did that I can not do anymore. I’m so fucking tired of being emotionally stunted. It makes moments like these so hard. I don’t know what I need to apologize for. I only want to apologize for my part, but I can’t tell for sure what is and is not me. I know I’m going to have to deal with this all tomorrow and it’s going to suck ass. Mom may still be mad at me and treating me to a 3 day cold shoulder like I did a few weeks ago to her. Who knows. I don’t. All I know is I’m fucking tired and my back hurts like hell.

[sweetlifecoach]

Let a Life Coach Help You Stop Poor Habits You Didn’t Know You Were Doing

The unhealthy living habits that you encounter in daily life can limit the capacity to stay a healthy life, successful, and live for longer. Some of the practices that some individuals engage in without noticing have negative impacts on their lives. Eventually, the bad habits in life lead to devastating effects on your physical and mental health. Therefore, it is essential to note some of the awful life habits through the assistance of a life coach as he would help stop the poor habits.  

· Regularly checking Cell Phone at Night

Having and checking on the blue light at night can influence your sleep for up to three hours. You already know that you should get a maximum of seven to nine hours of sleeping every night. Engaging in that moratorium before you sleep can disrupt your sleep patterns every night and eventually lead to circadian rhythm instead of turning you for the night. 

Therefore, it is essential to avoid the mobile phone screen at least 20 minutes before bed and not check it at night. Significantly, sleep deprivation can occur in cases where you experience eye problems and headaches. You should avoid the device at night and first thing in the morning, but it is crucial to have blue-blocking glasses if you must. Alternatively, you may consider using night mode on the iPhone and PC while taking breaks every 20 minutes by focusing on far objects.

· Consuming Energy Drinks

Energy drinks are not the only way in which you can regulate your energy levels. The high levels of sugar and caffeine contained in the products can pose health risks to your body. Besides, misuse of the products can lead to obesity, kidney problems, fatigue, and blood pressure. Energy drinks have very high levels of caffeine and can amount up to 100 mg per ounce. Therefore, you may have to consider taking moderate amounts of coffee in extreme cases when you feel the urge for caffeine. When taking vast amounts of energy drinks, your body becomes dehydrated and could eventually lead to fatigue.

· Eating Too Much Red Meat

Having meat as part of our daily diet is essential, but too much of anything is poisonous. As much as red meat is vital in your body, taking too much has negative consequences. Impacts resulting from taking a lot of red meat are cancer relating to the esophagus, pancreases, and lungs. In extreme circumstances, red meat has links with causing cancer of breast, stomach, bladder, and prostate. Therefore, to the lovers of red meat, you should watch out for the quantity, and those who take too much of it should reduce the content. Still, it will be more beneficial for those who can cut red meat in your diet or take less than 300g of cooked meat which the body can efficiently process.

· Inconsistent Sleep Patterns

Sleeping is significant for the body; not only does it allow you to rest, but it eliminates a lot of eventualities. Lack of enough sleep can contribute to vehicle accidents and reduce your body’s immunity. Generally, sleep deprivation has negative impacts than the benefits like reduction in cognitive functionality and poor decision making. You require to set an approximate amount of time which is standard for sleeping every day by sleeping and waking up at the similar time daily. Alternatively, you can apply meditative sleeping pattern techniques. Besides, you should avoid working, watching TV, and stressing communications some minutes before bedtime.

· Convincing yourself that What You Are Worrying About will Happen

It is evident that most people worry about themselves and their life too much, and the highest percent of individuals engage in the habit without noticing. Whenever you have too much stress, your body can suffer from chronic diseases, low immunity, and heart-related diseases. Meanwhile, if you are looking forward to living a long, happy, and stress-free life, it is high time you avoid worrying about the things you expect to happen.

Everything that bothers you is just the usual thought, and it should not convince you that it must happen. Now and then, you should take some time in isolation to breathe and relax and ask yourself whether there is any logic in your worries. Therefore, you will be able to separate unnecessary conviction from reality and facts. Otherwise, if you feel the concerns are too much to control or avoid, you can prefer to reach out to a life coach who would assist in overcoming the tendency.

· Regular use of Distractors to Numb Negative Thoughts

Every time you feel bored or uncomfortable, the world will always offer you a wide array of distractions that can numb the discomfort. You can take up your mobile devices and get to social media platforms and host yourself for as long as you feel like. Conversely, the distractions will not help ease the thoughts; instead, they bury the emotions like sadness or anger for some time, but they eventually erupt. Since you cannot pick and choose what you prefer to numb, you should let yourself cope with the mechanisms, and after the experiences, you can develop happiness.  If you have tried to adapt coping techniques to avoid fear and anxiety, it is time to talk to a life coach who would assist in coming up with effective strategies.

· Complaining too  Much

Engaging in complaints feels excellent and helps to acquire your achievements; however, too much of it is counter-productive. Whenever you think things are out of your control, you can consider tricking your brain into thinking you’re already doing something to solve it. Note that anytime you complain, you are not fixing the problem or issue at hand. 

Your brain cannot register everything that occurs in the surrounding environment, but you have the power to train it on what to absorb or avoid. Training the brain helps look for the basic patterns instead of what you do not like and prefer. Instead, whenever you find yourself complaining, you should focus on redirecting your attention to something positive about the situation. Alternatively, you can look up a plan that would assist in looking for the things you appreciate.

· Starting a Diet plan then Falling off

Taking a strict diet plan requires real sacrifice and routine where you embark on restrictive measures. Severally, you find yourself dieting to avoid being overweight or maintain a particular average. Nevertheless, even though you might dive into a specific plan, eventually tackling huge piles could lead back to the weight gain you were avoiding or what you had already lost. 

Consequently, you can focus on adopting eating habits that would sustain a healthy body weight without necessarily having to cut weight. In case you want to reduce the weight, you should be consistent in the plan without falling off, as the program would turn out to be in vain. Losing your desired weight does for complete deprivation from eating but requires you to build eating patterns.

In final thoughts, you can break off from the bad habits that can either limit or impact your life. Patience and consistency are vital in overcoming the behaviors and living a happy and fruitful life. A life coach will help you make a change and avoid a negative encounter limiting your success and freedom. Once you start the practice, your instincts will allow you to know whether it is positive or negative after one week.

source https://sweetlifecoach.co.uk/let-a-life-coach-help-you-stop-poor-habits-you-didnt-know-you-were-doing/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=let-a-life-coach-help-you-stop-poor-habits-you-didnt-know-you-were-doing

[rotten-sunflower]

mental health and these experiments at my uni

so, my uni has experiments for studies that you are supposed to take part in and tbf, I really like them. one the one hand, I like to schedule sth to fill up my day, take my thoughts of things, give me a little structure and something to feel accomplished about. also, a lot of these experiments are really interesting and I like to try out new things this way. we are supposed to collect 130 points or so in all of our bachelor and now, in the first half of the second semester I am basically already finished with it. 

usually, since you have to pretty concentrated in an experiment, Id really focus on it and forget everything else for an hour or two. recently, that somehow changed. 

there have been 2 incidents already, when I started feeling dissociated WHILE in an experiment and really had to pull myself back “into my body”. so far, I really have no idea where this feeling of dissociation comes from, if it is from stress or sth because really, in these situations I wasn't particularly stressed, just really trying to be focused.

now, while dissociation in those situations is certainly annoying, its really sth that I can kinda deal with it.

then, recently I was to two experiments that really required a lot of concentration, because they tracked your eye movements and you really need to be all in you to control where your eyes are going and be absolutely 100% concentrated. in the experiments, I really dont know why, but it just didnt work. I think it is because I needed to be so focused and couldnt be unconcentrated for one second, that it was even harder to concentrate. 

in 2 instances, my thoughts just like.. overrolled me. suddenly, while I was supposed to focus on my eye movements and do some brain exercise, my thoughts just like ran away and out of my control. suddenly, I was contemplating my situation in my brain and one time, I suddenly thought about sth my fp said like a week ago or so and it was something that you could see negative, but so far I kinda managed to look more or less calm at it but then in that situation, in front of that eye tracker, I suddenly had all bad thoughts about it, like all the bad things, all these abandonment issues came all at once. I really tried to fight back, telling myself that I would think about that later, after the experiment ended, but it somehow didnt work. I tried really hard to focus on that experiment and somehow got my concentration at least partly back but I could tell that I was less focused and scored worse in the exercise.

then, this 2nd experiment had kinda been hard since the start. already at the first session, when I went there, I felt like I wasn't really fit for it or just generally bad at the exercise. 2nd session was equally bad and this 3rd session was when my thoughts completely ran off. each time I went there I was at most at 60% of my mental state and accordingly unconcentrated and exhausted. each time, I thought that next time I go there, I want to have slept enough and be in a better state mentally to actually be like completely at my whole capacity there. but I was always so low mentally.

so then, after the 3rd session, the experiment leader told me that we won't continue, cuz I like wasn't fit for that exercise and she gave me part of the points and also said some people are just not fit. I honestly dont mind this that much since the sessions there were a pain in the ass anyway and gave me headaches. and after all, I got some points there.

but I know, even though this exercise was difficult, I could've done it if I was more focused and more there mentally. I know myself, I know I can accomplish hard things when I really focus on it and give 100%. I could've done this. I know it. but every session, I was so low and felt like I was not really myself in that moment that I fucked it all up. 

I really dont like this. I want to be my old self, that can force myself to concentrate, that can accomplish hard things, that is ambitious and self disciplined enough to actually do things. now I feel so fragile and so low and like just everything is so too much for me.

its kinda the same in class; sometimes I do manage to focus on only class for the whole 1.5 hrs but thats not the normal case. usually, I try really hard to focus, concentrate for a few minutes, zoom out then again into bad thoughts and contemplating my issues, force myself back to concentrate on class. that way, my notes are always inconsistent; a few pages I took all good notes, then its a few pages missing when I was thinking about other stuff, then note pages again and so on. 

I am really trying but sometimes I feel like im legit unable to focus on class for the whole lesson. I just cant do it. my mind won't go along with it. after a while, it zooms out again. 

and its like this in experiments as well. I really try but like sometimes trying is not enough when you rly should do sth and accomplish sth and not just try to.

also, there is studies where you just need to fill in like a questionnaire about a certain thing. and recently I felt like I wasn't really “fit” to participate in these studies. like these studies wanna find out correlations or trends in things for the average person, so for normal people, mentally healthy people. I cant fill out a questionnaire about stress without my anxiety influencing a lot of my answers. my mental illness just interferes with so many things in these studies and I feel like its not really me and its not really what these studies are searching for. 

all these issues with experiments are not really that serious since im gonna be done with the experiments im obliged to do pretty soon anyways but

I think im just realising that like mental illness really impacts every part of your life.

It doesn't just come when your alone at home at night, its everywhere all the time. I cant run from it and now its creeping into places where I thought id be safe from it. 

[unalomero]

Let's g0 g0 gadget

This belt was not equipt with the tools neccessary to let Sarah know I need time as a single lady.

Funny because the feeling I had when she kissed me was v similar to the time when I was getting over Cait and held hands with Kat that one night at the party. I cried myself to sleep that night because I felt myself losing my feelings i thought were forever.

Except ya girl isnt crying over that! Ya girl is focused on the positive and focusing on the now! Ya girl has herself surrounded and reminded by people on the daily on the love she got!

Because if I don't, uff there sure is a lot bad to focus on, but bay blade wont let that RIP on this dance floor tonight or any nights upcoming.

Talked with Cait again today too. She will always be my #1 rock and soulmate. Our mateship is friendship, but the kind I know lasts. Which is nice to be able to recognize! I am blessed to have had truly amazing friendships and the capacity to have great connections. I prefer cait and I as friends that we are now. We talk way too much on raising kids together though, which she would be such a great parent partner! She and I click so well and we both are always commenting how we need someone like each other, just not one another l0l which I agree 10000 % She always makes me feel safe and unjudged. She may not be the smartest when it comes to relative truths, but she is so well habile in the absolute truths. Seeing her grow has been such a pleasure too. We both thank one another almost every time of everything we have been through and of the things we have learned along the way and how we help one another.

Felt good to also cry a bit today to Cait. I needed to release what happened a month ago. I was getting p upset and felt how I initially wanted to place blame on Kat oddly... my poor brain has been v inclined to thinking negativly of her, but that's brain trying to teach itself to not play with fire anymore.

So sex bots. You know that big fear that kept me up for about a week at school and a week before leaving to MN? Well I got to meet my fear! I knew I deserved to fight and fought harder this time. What, Another??? family!!! friend!!! decided??? to assume that all a young female's body is for is takin and fuckin it?!?!?!

Do I have a sign tied on my back that says "Hey she doesnt deserve to be respected and treated kindly"? Cause jee, seems like that's a lot of what my life has consisted of. But dont get me wrong, more of my life has been spent being taken care of, dont fixate gurlll. ... But alas, what hasnt killed me has made me stronger and each of the bad makes me treasure the good. If that makes me seem "too happy" for you fucks, then try getting almost raped 3 times, not to count the 2 successful attempts, having to witness and break up parental domestic violence, 2 stalkers, an alcoholic and suicidal brother, not to mention also an occasional suicidal mother, losing a friend, being mugged 2 times, and losing family and friends to drugs, suicide, and gun violence. So yeah, I may be a little eccentric for you boring bots out there, but to me I'm happy I'm alive and the people around me are too. Yikes does it feel weird to type that out... Haha and the most painful of it all wasnt even when the worst of the worst was happening (except when mom was in the hospital for 4 days from what my dad did to her. That, that was as worse as the fear gets). WhT was worse was how consumed I let my everyday thinking get clouded by the drama and the pain.

When someone compliments my intelligence. Thank you. I didnt have parents that were always around or the best role models to help me learn. I mainly taught myself a lot to keep me distracted and keep me somewhere else. Which, when I think about it, a lot of the factoids I carried around like prized pieces went away a year ago around now. I let go of what kept me in an anxious check all the time. Relative truths are just but relative. They require an attachment to the material world, an unhealthy one a lot of the times. We get so convinced of a view and we let it change us and the relationships around it. All for the sake of what? Some hierarchy that has again found itself where it need not be.

No wonder I have problems with physical intimacy? No wonder Matty does too. So crazy how such similar trauma has created in my mind and experience, such similar minded people. I feel like I just get her thinking space a lot.

So another experience of having someone force themselves on you.

"Well Ashley you should have known"

Mother trucking sex bots, should I have??? Someone who helped raise me and was there for me as a baby? NO gosh darn it. But apparently things change when you have tits. I hate them sometimes. I hate my body.

When people say "you're just so beautiful" to my naked corpse, I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. It's not because I dont see beauty, but those words almost always followed abuse. Why cant I be told that when I'm in sweats and my favorite hoody, rocking a hella fun laugh and smile? Because that, that's when I feel beautiful.

So Deno,

I forgive you. I dont understand your actions, but I'm glad at least you ended up listening to me and wasnt as horrible as some men have treated me. I had courage this time to step up and not back down. What you tried to do and what you got away with is beyond what any apology would allot you. You could have further sent me into my distrust in men, but I wont give you anymore power than my other abusers have.

I am still getting over what happened before and I am still wrapping my mind around how so many good people keep coming after my ass. Ann said it best, "you're short and cute -a seemingly easy threat."

Well mother trucker, best be a scooting because I'm proud that I was able to stand up taller and not let this past indiscretion pull me down. It happened and well life can be shit sometimes. But guess what life is also amazing.

I have amazing friends and family who support me so much. I could be hella depressed and probably would be hadn't it been for working extremely hard on being mindful and present in the moment.

What I try not to think about are the words he said to me and how easily he could have not been so kind to let me go. I've had that. That's the kind of fear that

[poison-prayer]

So... what’s your thoughts on overcoming awful coping mechanisms?

This is clearly a very important topic, and I’m sorry I didn’t answer this last night. Hopefully it didn’t come off like I was ignoring you. 

First of all, I want to establish something: I will not call them awful coping mechanisms. They are unhealthy coping mechanisms. Considering them ‘awful’ can sometimes lead to a feeling of guilt, which makes confronting these things harder. You shouldn’t feel guilty about your coping behavior, but you should have the desire to change it in order to be a healthier person physically or mentally. 

The first step in this process, like many, is to self-identify. What are your coping mechanisms? What are your triggers? How do these things impact your health or state of mind. Why are the coping mechanisms you use unhealthy? It’s important to be honest with yourself, here. It’s easy to say that a trigger you once had doesn’t bother you anymore, when that’s not necessarily true. We have to face the facts that we’re not well in order to get better. 

Re-arranging your way of thinking is always difficult, but it’s necessary for you to move away from the unhealthy behavior. This requires a combination of will, action, and the capacity to beat your feelings into submission (stay with me here!) 

A friend of mine has struggled with trauma and intrusive thoughts for several years, and has only recently learned to cope with them herself. She knows that it sounds a little like condescending, but she’s been dealing with her own mental illness for almost a decade and assures folks she talks to that she’s being genuine when she gives them this advice:

Tell yourself “no.” 

When we have thoughts that we know, logically, are unhealthy or destructive or self-depreciating, we can often be so caught up in these thoughts that it gets overwhelming. At this point it’s necessary to tell yourself, “no.” 

Your trauma was your fault. No. The only person to blame was who hurt you.

You deserve to feel like this. No. You wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, and you don’t deserve it either. 

Your trauma has impacted your self-worth. No. Your self-worth is not dependent on what happened to you. 

Now, when you start this exercise, your mind is going to instinctively fight back. You’re going to tell yourself you’re only saying no because you want to lie to yourself. At this point, you have to push back even harder. Don’t stop telling yourself no, even if you’re convinced it’s a lie.

It sounds too simple to work, but it will. Eventually you will be able to re-wire your thinking. Those self-depreciating thoughts will still crop up from time to time, but you will be able to identify them as outliers, now. 

Once you identify what your unhealthy coping mechanism is, why it’s unhealthy, and learn how to tell yourself no, you can start to combat your behavior. 

You have to admit to yourself that there are some unhealthy coping mechanisms that you can’t handle on your own, and seek professional counseling or treatment for them. While I’m always here to support you, I won’t pretend to be qualified to help you overcome addiction. 

However, for unhealthy coping mechanisms that are rooted in the thought process, you can use these skills to restructure the way you cope. Identify the unhealthy coping mechanism, and tell yourself, “no, this is not something I can rely on.” 

It probably won’t work at first! Rewiring your thought process rarely does. But eventually, just as with everything else, you will come to believe it and understand that your old thinking was a result of trauma. This is a huge step in healing. 

This isn’t to say that you should remove your coping mechanisms all together, or that having one is bad. But over time you can learn to replace this behavior with something healthier. There are alternatives to negative coping mechanisms, though most of them sound cliche, like reading a book, cooking, or finding safe alternatives to self-harm. But by associating these positive new behaviors with the act of coping, you will eventually draw a genuine bridge between the two, and be able to move away from your unhealthy habits or ideologies. 

We naturally seek patterns in the world around us. It’s part of our evolution. That’s why I’m telling you all this. Because when your brain begins to notice the positive effect that the new coping mechanisms have on you, it will make that association, recognize that pattern, and accept it as new information. You can effectively condition yourself to make the association. 

Now, please understand - if you are struggling with unhealthy coping mechanisms, and want to change your behavior or way of thinking, you’re more than entitled to support. You’re allowed to ask for help, you’re allowed to seek a professional who you can confide in and work with to find a better way to cope and heal. 

I want to remind everyone, please. I will always be here for you! I truly will. I will always try to help, and this will always be a safe place to come to for advice, I promise. But I can only offer so much. I will support you, but sometimes supporting you means urging you to see someone with more of a professional background than I have. 

If this is something that you struggle with, something that is deeply upsetting you, that you find you’re unable to handle by yourself or with the support of friends and family alone, then you deserve to be able to seek professional help. This is your health we’re talking about - yes, it is. - and your health is important. Your mental health is important. You’re important, and if you’re hurting I only want to see you get better. 

Ha!! Sorry this got so long! I guess I let myself get a little carried away, here!! But still, I hope I could this can help you - or anyone reading who might need it. 

[sckaners-fofolle]

Impersonation

Chapter 3- Begining of Cupcake (Sans' part) This evening when Rus came back home he felt a little guilty. He knew his Sans didn't drunk himself on purpose and he himself may have been a little harsh but sometimes his brother got on his nerves. That's still wasn't an excuse to lie. Or be rude. He didn't goes to Undyne's house but to the joyful and energic Sans, nicknamed Blue's. They trained with his edgier alternate and discussed about puzzle. They even shared coocking recipies. For once Honey, Blue's brother, was here and listen calmly at them with a genue smile. His lazy alternate was very kind and his presence was enjoyable dispite his anoying adicton to smoke. Papyrus was still a little uneasy because the day before and was worried about Comic so he wasn't fully attentive. Asgore knew if Comic even ate at all today. He had leave the house without looking back. He should have made sure if Sans was okay, he could have not take good the hangover and be sick (my tablet proposed to corect by Dick). It would be dangerous considering his one HP. He was glad when he opened the door. Sometimes he wished he could be more with his brother. But Papyrus was a busy monster and Sans an adult who could take care of himself. He would be fine. Papyrus was taken aback when a delicious smell came to his nose. He couldn't tell what it was but this dish was mouthwatering. He was suprise to see Sans in front of the oven making sure whatever was heating up didn't burn. His brother took off the cooking gloves he wore before turning to him. « Hello Papyrus, I made dinner. I'm sure it wont be as good a yours but I did my best. » Sans was clearly tired, his eyes were surendered by dark rings and his smile was tense. But he seemed in a better shape than morning. Papyrus smelt again the delicious sweet aroma. He didn't even remember last time Sans cooked. Maybe was it when he asked Undyne to train him to become a royal guard. At this time he had insisted to practice cooking, so it was unnecessary for Sans doing so. He aproached and saw tonight dish was a pie. « -wowie, I didn't know you were able to do that ! I'm impressed ! Where and when did you learned ? - I just did as the recipy told. An old lady said it was pretty easy and didn't required so many ingredients so I thought... I could give it a try. » Papyrus stayed a little longer contemplating his brother's work. He didnt just cooked, he even cleaned a little the kitchen. It wasn't good in Papyrus' standards but it was amazing Sans decided to leave his laziness behind for a moment. The Great Papyrus decided to help. « I'll go put the table..-. - No Papyrus, Sans said calmly. I'll do it. I'm sure you had a long and tiring day. Go refresh yourself and relax. » Papyrus tried to protest but Sans insisted and the taller one couldn't deny this to his brother. As Papyrus showered he though Sans' s atitude was weird and maybe he, the great Papyrus, should check it a little more. Actually ? No. Sans is an adult. If there's anyting wrong he would talk about it at on moment or another, the great Papyrus was sure about it. When Rus came down the stairs he saw that everithing was set and ready for dinner. He silently took a sit and let Sans do as he pleased. He took a bit and was overflowed by the savor. It was absolutely delicious. Sans overcame his lazyness for once. Papyrus was so proud of him. He was enjoying the meal but his concerns about morning came back. He cleared his throat. « BROTHER, I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEHAVIOUR THIS MORNING. I WAS A LITLE ANGRY BUT I SHOULD HAVE NOT- » Sans cut him in his speach. « You were right in a way, Paps. I shouldn't crash myself in your life. I just though it would be nice hanging out with my cool bro for once. » Papyrus giggled at that. « Anyway, I know it is sometimes infuriating for you to do everithing around and have to take care of me. I- » Sans stop for a moment, stopping a sob before his brother even took notice of his difficulty to keep a peacful mask. He then continued like if nothing happened. « I will try to help. I'll do my best but it certainly won't be efficient enough. » Papyrus took his elder brother hand in his. « BROTHER, IT IS WONDERFUL YOU DECIDED TO WORK THROUGH YOUR ANNOYING LAZINESS. DON'T DUBT ABOUT YOUR CAPACITIES, YOU ARE AMAZING. AFTER ALL YOU TOOK CARE OF ME SINCE I WAS A BABYBONES. » The soft smile and the proximity with his precious brother made Sans' soul pulse with tenderness and enjoyment. « I MUST ADMIT I DON'T PASS MUCH TIME WITH YOU AND AM SORRY FOR THAT. MAYBE TONIGHT WE COULD WATCH SOMETHING TOGETHER ? » Sans was fast to accept. They finished eating while chatting. Sans took the dishes to the sink but left it to do later. He was way too tired for it. He sat right beside his taller brother and let the movie start. It was a simple human movie, with an actress who (battre des cils) and giggles at each sentences of the masculine protagonist who didn't even see the woman was deeply in love with him. After ten minutes it became boring and Sans was fighting sleep. He was very tired, he did a lot for a day and didn't nap once since morning. When he yawned Rus looked at him a little desapointed. He paused the movie and feced Sans. « -If you don't want to watch it i wont force you, Sans. » The smaller one tried to (defend) himself but was cut by his younger brother. « Go on, leave if you don't want it. If you sleep during the movie it's no use we watch it together. Plus I will be irritated if you ruin my experience by snoring. » Sans' brain stoped functioning. His only though was about sleeping

and he didn't want to annoy his brother. Leaving was the best option. He excused himself, and went to his room slowly walking. Just before he closed his door he heared Papyrus sigh then mutter : « what a waist, Blue loves this movie. » Sans locked his door and threw himself on his matress, trying to stifle his cries with his pillow. First step of operation Cupcake was a complet failure for him. He hoped he worked better for Red. all chapters

[starryloft]

Honestly, don't be a fucktard in life

Honestly, some people are amazing at twisting their words.

I used to group with this 2 friends of mine since year 1, let's name the one that's currently in my class as S and the one that's NOT in my class as W. With S, W and me, 2 other girls make up a clique.

I'm currently in my 3rd and last year of getting my diploma. I've always worked with S and W since year 1. So I have an understanding that S does work. Apparently, in this year 3, 1st semester, it wasn't so.

S, me and the 2 other girls from our class since year 1, formed a new clique. Obviously so because we are in the same class. WHILE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS. NOTE THAT I STATE W IS IN ANOTHER CLASS.

S was nothing but an utter freeloader this entire semester. The group REPEATED tried to include her and asked her stuff. Her response? Nothing but half baked and vague answers. What's a normal person to do?

Moving on, the group wanted to meet to discuss about the assignments. ONCE AGAIN, TAKE NOTE THAT IT'S ASSIGNMENTS WITH AN S. So it's not only ONE assignment, it's MULTIPLE assignments. Since S has been giving vague and half baked answers all semester, and with multiple assignments due on the same day, I simply gave her a yes/no option. What I literally messaged her was, "S, are you coming to my house tmr? Yes or no lollll"

I honestly see no reason as to why she felt compelled to send the message, "I Skype you guys" to "I think I Skype you guys". I have no idea what difference the "I think" adds into the context, but if S really feels that she wants to, so be it.

Let's talk about the Skype call on the day that me and the other 2 girls met at my house. If you are wondering why of all places to meet, it would be my house, the reason is:

1. My house is the most convienent out of everyone

2. Everyone has been coming since year 1 (once again, this information is crucial)

3. No one else is willing to open their house

Anyways, me and the other 2 girls met in my house. We skyped the girl. We discussed about our assignments blah blah blah. After that, I was getting really annoyed because I started to think about how useless and incompetent she really has been for the whole semester. I simply asked her, "S, is there something going on in your life or something? Because the amount of work and quality of work you are putting in is kinda terrible". I cannot state right from the get go that it's utter trash. I was literally trying my best to sugar coat. This stupid S started saying how she had a mental breakdown, and took 2 days break. Okay, can.

The thing is, we allocated her to place photos into the site A WEEK AGO. We found her the pictures, and ALL SHE NEED TO DO WAS ADD IT IN. She took a whole week, TO ADD IN 2 PICTURES. Honestly, if this isn't what you call a fucktard, I have no idea what else to call her.

Let's change the assignment now shall we? Let's move on to assignment 2.

Assignment 2 is lesson planning. S literally did nothing for the ENTIRE assignment, and on the day of implementation, she fucked up. The whole group fucked up. Everyone fucked up. Me and the other 2 girls, got really mad and angst. We have our own personal lives to deal with, we spend the night doing all these assignments. And in the end, we need to get the same grade as S? Think about it, anyone with a sane mind will think that it's unfair.

Right after the class ended, we told S that we wanted to peer evaluate her. The only reason she could give us to convince us was, "I don't want to remod". WHO WANTS TO REMOD dumb shit. Our grades for the first assignment was pretty nasty, and we put in the effort to save our grades. What makes you think you can get a free ride from us? And further more, she even acknowledged that she contributed literally nothing for the assignment. I have the recording.

The only thing that's going on in her life is school. ONLY SCHOOL. Me and the 2 other girls has way more commitments than the other girl. I honestly have no idea what makes it so difficult for her to contribute to the assignment. Anyways, remember W? This is when she comes into the picture.

S started telling W that me and the 2 other girls wanted to peer evaluate her. So what did W do? Gossip and spread the word! People that we thought were friends with us since year 1, started messaging us - to guilt trip us for wanting to peer evaluate a friend.

Let's be honest, what's the definition of a friend? Apparently, S's definition of a friend is to freeload off them? I personally really feel like she needs to think back of her actions before claiming that she feels betrayed by us because she thought we were "friends". If a friend is one who freeloads for the entire semester and acts so self entitled, I do not need that friend. Heck, losing a friend isn't that hard for me. In fact, I lived my life solo for 5 whole years in my high school. It wasn't that hard. Moving on with the story...

Lets go back to the first assignment. Me and the 2 other girls spent the entire night completing the site for assignment 1. Damn, we didn't sleep the whole night. We literally did the damn site from 12pm to 5pm and 11pm to 9am. What did we get from it? S stirring shit up.

Me and the 2 other girls literally just submitted the assignment. I've been really stressed all semester. I've been vomiting real bad, like everyday. I've been sleeping at 3-4am for the past 1 month. I have really bad backache from my bad posture to complete my assignments. And my period never even came once during the entire semester (1 semester is roughly 14 weeks?)

Right after submitting, I ran to the toilet RIGHT AWAY to vomit. I was literally in the middle of vomiting, when my lecturer messaged me - saying that me and the 2 other girls needed to come down to the school to meet her. She stressed that it was urgent.

Mind you. We spent the whole night doing assignment. Heck, when we submitted the assignment, the sun had risen. We spent the whole night doing, we haven't even slept and we need to go to school???? ON A DAY THAT WE DON'T HAVE LESSONS?

Long story cut short, we went to meet the lecturers and we saw S acting all pitiful as always. I have to really acknowledge her ability to twist words and cry on cue.

The lecturer in charge of the assignment didn't really take sides, however our class advisor was clearly siding her and casually spitting her comments that no one really appreciated as me and one of the 2 other girls were saying. (Honestly, fuck our class advisor. You suck at your fucking job. You met us only once in the whole sem.) The other girl went to the hospital to get an IV drip, because she was feeling THAT SICK.

S said mainly:

1. Me and the 2 other girls do work late

2. She didn't have assess to the site

3. We didn't include her

Alright. Let's get a few facts straight with this fucktard.

1. We all have our personal schedules. Like I said earlier, we all have WAY MORE commitments than S - which only has school. We have school in the morning till afternoon. After that, we need to attend to our other commitments. And we have assignments due. Let's use our brains to think shall we? God gave us a brain for a reason after all. You have school from morning till late afternoon. From evening till night you are settling your other commitments. By logical thinking, when and what are you supposed to do to complete your assignments? Obvious answer: stay up till you complete your assignments! WOW THAT DIDNT USE MUCH BRAIN CELLS DID IT.

BUT WAIT, S DOESNT HAVE THE BRAIN CAPACITY TO THINK THAT FAR.

2. S CLEARLY HAD ASSESS TO THE SITE. The group created a group gmail account to assess the site. We had notified her that the site has been changed. By common sense, you should have been able to know that the site is still the same!

As long as you take the effort to simply log in, you would have been able to see the site! WELL, WASNT THAT SIMPLE.

3. We tried many ways to include her. I even played a fucking mobile game to talk to her. AND TALKED CRAP FOR 30 WHOLE MINUTES. JUST TO PROVIDE HER WITH AN OPPORTUNITY. I have mobile games. I hate it but I honestly had no idea how to talk to her. So I had to play it. The other 2 girls did try to include her too.

Every single time we tried, she would reject and brush off aside and say, "I'll Skype you guys"

Since we have gotten these 3 points clarified, let's move on to why the situation had escalated such that the lecturers demanded to see us.

First thing in the morning, S and her parents went to see the lecturers. S expertly twisted words and portrayed herself as the victim. And that wasn't all! S required MORE moral support!

So W brought down her group of friends to give her moral support. (Her group of friends are also the ones trying to guilt trip us) and God knows why this stupid dumb fuck, let's call her J is involved too. She has absolutely no connection to me and the 2 other girls. (Seriously, why are you joining side the fray for?)

Me and the 2 other girls talked about our point of view and shut S down for being such a fucktard. Apparently from what I heard, S's parents were very sad because the lecturer had said that it was S's fault. It was her personality fault for being timid and not courageous (I honestly have no idea who's timid and not courageous since she's able to twist stories and put so much MSG into her stories and tell so many people about it).

I don't feel guilty in the slightest really. I only feel bad for myself and the 2 other girls.

I feel bad for even allowing myself to know about S's very existence. Her very existence is a mistake and me knowing about her very existence is an error.

Honestly, fuck you S. (I hope that society trashes you so bad in life that you just fucking cry your guts out)

You have done nothing but made my anxiety hit the roof and made me bring out my bitch tactics. If I really want to, I can slowly fuck with you but your existence itself isn't that important to me. I'll let society deal with fucktards like you.